Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-20-17

Episode Date: April 21, 2017

Bill rambles about crack, buying socks and nasty pigs.

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What are you talking about? You don't even throw that out there. I'm throwing it out there right now. I'm gonna get a post-married prenuptial, post-nuptial agreement. Too late. No, I'm gonna get, alright. It's mine, all mine. You know, I don't even give a shit. You want all this stuff? I don't care, it's a fucking headache. So I'll take enough for a sandwich, I'm good.

I want every color of Izod's shirt. Yeah, seriously though, I will leave you. There's a certain level that if you, ow, if you drop below, I'm walking. His bald, pasty, red-headed male pushing 50. Yeah, good luck. Okay? Don't look at me like I don't have options, woman. I've been out to the strip malls, I've seen the looks. Okay?

You put me in a strip mall near that has a dentist and a place where they do your taxes, okay? Fucking head just whipping around. Yeah. She could at least pretend that I'm still kind of good looking, right? Alright, anyways, what's up everybody? How are you? How's your week going? Is it going bad? Well, it's almost over. At least the bad part of it is, huh?

How about a moment of silence? How about a fucking moment of silence for everybody who's sitting in a fucking place? They don't want to be right now, huh? There was your moment. And you know what? That's all you deserve. Why are you still there? Stand up, push that plastic wheelchair away from that fucking, I know. Well, what do I want you to do, right?

Don't do that. You need a plan. Come up with a fucking plan. My stomachs can be ground like crazy. I just got off of the plane, had a 7 a.m. flight, came back from New York. I went to the, it's just an amazing memorial service for Charlie Murphy yesterday. And I got to tell you this. It's a private ceremony, so I'm not going to give any details. But I will tell you this, you know, comedians, a lot of us may die young,

but I will tell you this, we have great funerals. It was fucking unbelievable. It was unbelievable. The New York legend was sent off by legends. It was, it was incredible. It was really incredible. So, yeah, still sad though. Obviously still sad, but he would have been very happy.

I don't want to speak from anything, but like, I hope I get sent off that well. It was, yeah, it was definitely something else. Well, that's great, Bill. Bring up something that you're not going to really give any details of. Well, you know, whatever. I just, I just, so anyways, so everybody hung out afterwards to like 2.30 in the morning. And I had like a, you know, 7 a.m. flight. And the only way to, there's two ways to handle a 7 a.m. flight, which is going to involve like a fucking 4.30 a.m. pickup.

There's only two ways to do it. You either go to bed, you know, you drink some hot cocoa at 7 p.m. And you figure out how you're going to get your fucking eight hours, whatever you do. What do you people do with your pills? Is that what you do? Well, you sit fucking Indian style and foot of your bed going, oh, whatever, whatever that meditation shit is. All right, which I have not done. And I'll tell you the ramifications of that here in a minute.

You either do that, or you just stay out drinking with your friends till like 2.30 in the morning. And then you come home, you get about an hour and a half, two hours sleep. You stagger to the fucking airport, whatever, out to the cab. You go in there and you just, the biggest thing is not to not off at the gate. You got to stay awake, but the lights are on and that type of shit. And then once you get to your seat, that's it. Then you're out, you're out. And that's a great way to do it because then you don't have to sit there bored out of your mind on the flight.

By the way, thanks to the person that sent me that fucking creepy video of that plane crash, which for some dumb reason I'm sitting there watching it about the tail section coming off this plane, these pilots trying to figure out a fucking way to try to land it, which of course you can at that point. I wasn't surprised that they didn't invert. That's always a fun thing, half asleep to be watching, because you know, you have to sleep going like, wait, am I on this flight or is this a, should I be feeling that feeling? You know, they sent me this video and I'm not getting on this plane. Well, you know what I got on that goddamn plane and I went right to sleep and woke up like, you know,

five hours later, five hours later on a six hour flight, it's perfect. You know, they come over, sir, would you like anything? Would you guys? I go, yeah, what do you got? Well, we got a mushroom, we got a portobello mushroom sandwich. Yeah, that sounds gross. What else you got? I didn't even know what the other thing was.

I thought when she said the mushroom thing with the other thing, I thought it was all the same thing. I go, is that all one thing or is that two things? She goes, that's two things. And I went, all right, I don't want anything. I got a new thing. I don't eat on planes. I'm not fucking doing it. I'm not fucking doing it.

It's just, it's fucking shit food, empty cow. What are you going to do? You're like, I'm fucking five miles up from the surface of the earth. You know, the only thing you should be eating up there is shit that you shouldn't be eating, like Pringles, potato chips and stuff. Why would you eat those? And you're just sitting there, just becoming a fat fuck. So I sort of been doing this thing this year as I'm trying to fucking drop some weight here.

You know, even though I'm a dad, I'm not going to have the fuck. I'm not having the fucking dad bot. Not having that thing, you know, the thing when you go to lift up your arms, your shirt comes up and there's just that fucking pork shoulder spilling out on the side. That ain't happening to me. I was speaking to it. So, you know, I packed hastily because I went to Boston first and then to New York. And so I grabbed a suit and everything in my shoes.

So I have them for the memorial service and I forgot to bring dark socks. All right. And also I was working out and doing the elliptical and all that type of stuff. So I thought I brought enough boxes and I didn't. So I was like, fuck. So I landed in New York. I get to the hotel and it's, you know, we're like in midtown and shit. We meaning me and all my fucking personalities.

And so I called me up. I tell her where I'm at. I was like, fuck, you know, the car's coming to get me to take me over to the service. You know, I need some underwear. Where should I go? This is New York. There's no fucking gaps anywhere. They're all like downtown or way uptown.

I'm right in the middle. I don't have time. And she asked me where I was at. She goes, oh, I know that. It was like a gay neighborhood. She goes, go around the corner. There's one of those fucking stores. So I go across the store, right?

Street, right? It's like, you know, the second you see the mannequins, you know what I mean? You know that it's, yeah, this is like a, it's a gay store. It's for gay men. So I don't give a fuck. I need underwear, right? Gay men still wear underwear. So I walk in there and it was just like, Jesus Christ.

It was like cock rings on the fucking wall, which by the way, I thought that was the same. It's like a, like when people get their dick pierced, which I still don't know where they do that. It's like a naval ring, but it's on your dick. It's got a cock ring, you know? I thought that that was the same thing, but it wasn't. It was like a, it looked like something you'd use in plumbing, like a gasket. Evidently you put that around your dick for some reason. Then what?

You swivel your hips and it's like a, it's like a hula hoop for your dick evidently, right? So I fucking go in the back and the underwear, it's like ridiculous. It was like all these Fred Flintstone prints, you know what I mean? There was like assless shit. And then I finally find a pair that was just all black and on the waistband. It said nasty pig. So finally just yell over to the dude by an account. I go, Hey, you got any like normal, like mainstream underwear here?

And he's like to find normal or mainstream. And I was like, well, I don't know. It doesn't say nasty pig on the, on the waistband. It has material around the ass. And when it does, it doesn't say fuck my whole on the back, you know, regular, just underwear. It's like, hang on. And he fucking comes over there and he ended up finding some that were just all black, you know, Greg Lugana style. But they were the only size they had was small, which was fucking hilarious to me because I was just like, yeah, why would you have a medium?

This is like gay guys. They want to see their, their boyfriend's junk spilling out the side. Oh, you nasty pig. So I had to leave there and the closest place was fucking TJ max. Oh my God, the fucking animals. Half of it was the way they had the store, like the way they had the store set up. It's just like, it was so fucked up. It's like, it was like, I was in Manhattan, the crown jewel of fucking cities in the United States.

Right. And the second I walked into fucking TJ max, I mean, I might as well been at a fucking Walmart in the middle of nowhere. And I am talking down to middle America and their Walmarts. I am talking down to it, although I'm not up there. Actually, you know, those walmarts aren't that bad other than on black Friday. Black Friday is the day you don't want to fucking go down there because that's like white people, Bloods and Crips. You know, that's our version of it. Flannels and fucking flip flops.

That's, that's our Bloods and Crips. And you don't still want to be there on that day, you know, when they have one Atari for $3 way in the back of the store. And everybody's just basically going to trample people like they're going to the fucking who concert Cincinnati way back in the day there. I mean, other than that, you know, it's not, it's not that bad a store. You know, it's got all kinds of food, giant selections. I've gone in there a bunch of times. I don't know why I brought that up. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about this point.

Oh, TJ max, you get the max for the minimum at TJ max. So I go in there and it's, you know, typical Manhattan fucking store where it's like half the stores downstairs and the others is on the ground floor and the others is like upstairs. You know, because they slam this little fucking store in there. And I finally find some underwears. And I'm like, fuck, I got to stay in this goddamn like Disneyland level line and like, all right, they got 12 fucking registers open. So even though there's like 24 people, you know, roughly each one of these cashiers just knocks out two people and then it's my turn. All right, this shouldn't be this bad. And it was this woman in front of me.

I don't know what kind of soap she used, but like I would divorce her. I swear to God, even if she made my heart stop, I'd be like, I love you. I wish nothing for you, but this fucking soap. It's a specific soap. I've smelt it before it wasn't she didn't smell bad. She smelled of this soap. I don't know what the fuck it is, but it just, I can't be around it, but I had to be or someone was going to cut me. And then they just walked you through, you know, the Disneyland thing where you walk all the way to the right.

Then you go back to the left, you know, zigzagging all the way up and just the shit that they had, you know, the impulse buys and everybody, if they weren't staring at their fucking phones, we're just picking up these things. And the more I saw people picking up this shit, looking at it like the angrier I was getting, like, why are you picking that up? You don't need that. Let me find you the names of these fucking things. Okay, they had this one thing. It said, I would thank you from the bottom of my heart, but for you, my heart has no bottom. And it was just framed in this piece of shit would frame and on a white piece of paper with just regular font.

Like, please don't walk away with the bathroom key, like the same kind of font you would use at that at the gas station. They wrote that fucking cheesy heartfelt message. And what the fuck was the next one? I was just some sort of like coconut almond yummy clusters or something was called that. I don't know. That's how it was. This is like, this is the demographic I'm in. Let's become fat fucks and talk about how we love each other.

I don't want to talk about so I get the underwear and I fucking get back to the hotel room and I realize in my looking down at everybody in TJ Maxx, I forgot to get socks. So I had to go back to the gay store, you know. And, you know, I come walking into the store and the same dudes behind the counter and I was just like, dude, you got to you sell socks here. You know, because all I had was white socks. I was going to sit down at church and they were going to come up and they were like ankles like Nike socks. I was going to wear like fucking wingtips. I wasn't going to do that.

So they actually had regular socks. So that's what I learned at the gay store. They just had regular Nike socks. But for some reason, the tag on them took a picture of it. I got to send this. You know what? I'm going to tweet this out or whatever. The tag on the socks just said bitch police.

That's just some, I guess, woman or maybe a guy in drag with his face all twisted up. I got on bitch police socks by Nike, you know, and they feel normal. These are made for gay feet. But for some reason they seem to fit mine just just fine. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I mentioned earlier that I hadn't been meditating and it came to a head, so to speak. And remember when I was bitching about updating my fucking phone and then trying to update my laptop and there's no one to call. And I'm typing in the right passwords and the two are not in sync and I don't know how to do it.

I finally had a meltdown and my laptop was closed. And I took my phone and I just fucking slammed it down like corner first onto my laptop, you know, somewhere between a jab and an overhand right. But it was a stabbing motion and I don't know what. Then I fucking open my laptop and the screen was broken. So my question I have for you guys is not do I need anger management? I know I do. My question is, can people just fix a fucking screen? You can do that.

It's not the hard drive. There was no water. Can they just take that out? It's like I got a broken windshield on my laptop. Can they do that? I'm going to find out. I'm going to find out because once again I didn't back up anything there. And I was just really thinking like I didn't back anything up and I didn't back anything up my phone when I dropped it in the toilet.

But do I miss any of that data, data, whatever the fuck you say. And the reality is I don't. I mean, most of my pictures is taking pictures of shit that I hate, you know. People's dirty feet and fucking heartfelt photos and gay socks that say bitch please. I mean, do I really need to save these somewhere? I just love the idea that these exist somewhere in a cloud and there's these fucking people trying to figure out with the shit that I take a picture of. Like what can they sell me next? Okay, gay socks, coconut clusters.

I would thank you from the bottom of my heart, but for you, my heart has no problem. Okay, this is a fat gay male with a sugar addiction and a foot fetish. Anyway, so I got to read. Oh, by the way, my daughter laughed for the first time yesterday twice and I was on the road and I didn't get to see I didn't get to hear it. But I'm hanging out with her all all day today, other than the benefit I have to do tonight. And I'm really like psyched like I came home and of course dropped everything and picked her up. And she just smiled for like three minutes straight, which was amazing. And I could tell she was getting sleepy and I can read her body language.

She was on the floor and she started doing this thing like she's trying to sit up and like, all right, she wants to get up. And I just put her on my lap and we were watching these people in Maine rebuilding cabins or some shit. And I felt her start to slump slump to the right and I knew that she was falling asleep. And she was asleep, which I was like, this is a perfect time to do the podcast, but it felt so awesome. Her just laying there that I stayed there for like another 20 minutes. And I'm kind of breaking down parenting into just like sections where I know like I was like, all right, I got 18 years with her before she goes off to college. God willing. So how many months is that?

I just did three of them. And then the other big countdown is the first three years. So the first three years, all I have to do is just fill her up with love, support. And when I do lose my temper, because I'm going to, I'm going to do apologize to her and ask her to help me work on it. So she's not like necessarily afraid, you know, I just, I got to kill this, this aspect of my family tree because everything else is pretty, you know, acceptable. But I don't want to be the guy stabbing his fucking laptop with his phone, freaking his kid out. Do I, you know, who wants to be that person? And you're laying on your deathbed one day and they come walking in, you know, peeking in still nervous to be around you.

Just be like, yes, sorry. Sorry, I stabbed my laptop with my phone back in 1882. I don't want to have that. So yeah, I'm hanging out with her all day today reading books and the whole thing. So I've also decided like, all right, so I still got to do my two weekends a month. So those would be like six days. I won't see her, but I'll actually see her more than if I had like a nine to five because then I can come home and just totally focus on her. You know, for the next 10 days before I go out on the road.

So, you know, and every person that's apparently I'll say it goes by so fast. It goes by so fast. So I just keep thinking that every fucking time every day. So hopefully, hopefully, you know, hopefully I don't fuck this up, but I'm not going to lie to you. I know I'm a mess. So I'm definitely, you know, the jury's out. Hey, people walking home, a great dad. I'm a great dad.

Shut the fuck up. That's not for you to say. Somebody says that to you. You're cunt. You know who's awesome. You know who's awesome? Me. You know why?

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Okay. Here we go. I got some reads here. This is the advertising audible. Audible. Okay. Louis Black's new book, the great Louis Black. Louis Black, the rant is due is the new original comedy series from audible channels.

Oh, I thought it was a book. They said it was a book. Louis Black's new book. You can hear the latest episode for free right now at audible.com slash Louis Black. Now who the fuck wouldn't want to hear a book written and read by Louis Black? I'm doing this. This show is written by the fans. You can't.

You can rant about everything from politics to relationships to anything that's driving you mad. By submitting your rant to Louis Black right now and listening to the rant is due for free at audible.com slash Louis Black. For anyone that doesn't know Louis Black, he's a comedy hero, a regular on the daily show. He's got stand up specials on HBO and Comedy Central. He's the voice of anger and inside out. And he's got over a million fans connecting every day on social media. I remember the first time I saw Louis Black. I saw him at the comedy cellar right before he blew up.

He was about my age, maybe a little young, about 45, 46. And it was one of those fucking hot, brutally hot summer days in LA. And he came in still wearing his sport coat and all that. And he was just like miserable. Okay. He already walks around with a certain level of agitation, which I could totally relate to. Remember I said I walk around at a six. So going up to 10 isn't that quick of a ride.

So Louis came in and there was like nobody in the fucking club. It was like the mid 90s, like 95, 96 and comedy was still dealing with the 80s hangover. Still waiting to make another comeback. And so he goes in there in front of like three fucking people, I don't know, three tables of people, whatever. And I had never seen him and he got in there and he was legit upset about how fucking hot it was outside. And then you combine that with his material in his stage persona and he got that finger going. And it was like, I'll never forget that. I was fucking dying.

This guy was in front of like 11 people murdering like he was at Carnegie Hall. And that was just one of those great just moved to New York and it was just one of those great. Oh my God, who the fuck is this guy? How have I never seen this guy? How doesn't everybody know who this guy is? And within like that was like 95, 96. And I want to say he hit around like 99. It was quick within like by 1999.

I think he went out on the road and he did that that classic comedy tour lineup. It was him, Mitch Hedberg and David tell. Can you believe that? That was a fucking tour. Hey, we're going to go out and go see comedy tonight. Oh yeah, who you seeing? I don't know this guy. Lewis Black, this up and coming guy, Mitch Hedberg.

I'm trying to think if a David tell had his show yet. And so I think he had insomniac. Maybe Mitch had his half hour out, but I didn't even get to see that fucking talk because I was too busy slugging it out my fucking hell rooms. I would have loved to have seen that. So anyways, some sitting here babbling. I'm supposed to be reading advertising. I'm telling stories. I frame bridge everybody.

That's so weird. I just shot one day on a movie in Framingham. Framingham, Massachusetts out there on fucking off of route nine. I believe I used to do the Nixon framing him out there a long time ago over 20 years way to go. All right, frame bridge. Everybody give your personal experience using frame bridge.com if applicable. I've never used it. It sounds like a great idea, but I stabbed my fucking laptop in the face stabbed it in the face.

I always have to say in the face. You know what that's from? That's from the great performance given by that cop in the bathroom in reservoir dogs. The way he, the rhythm of the way he speaks is so like perfect cop. I said, buddy, I am going to shoot you in the face. You don't put your fucking hands in that dashboard. That's one of those movies when you've seen it that many times, like all the usual good lines that everybody quotes. Out of the fucking blue, you know, I'm trying to be a fucking professional.

You always got me killed. Asshole. All those ones that everybody knows. Yeah, yeah, yeah, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Look if they haven't done what I told them not to do. Everybody knows those lines, but then once you want, once you get up to like, you know, three, 400 viewings of it, which you really can do in a summer if you fucking put your mind to it and you have no social life like me. Yeah, that's when you start going, who the fuck is this guy playing this cop?

The way he's killing this monologue. I don't know. I don't know why it just reminded me of this comedian Denny live from Philly. And I remember when he was, he was doing this white guy, Denny's a black dude. So he's doing this white guy and the way he was doing the cadence and the way the way the guy was talking was, you know, that was like sort of at the height of the fallout of the hacky white guy. Like, oh geez, I gotta go do my taxes like that fucking thing, but he was actually legitimately doing a white guy. Like an impression that I couldn't even fucking do, but I could see the dude that he was doing.

I don't know. Those are the nerd things that I like when I'm watching shit. But anyways, frame bridge. No, no experience with it. Go to framebridge.com. Choose your frame or let their designers help you choose. Upload your photo from your computer or directly from Instagram preview your photo online in the frame you choose exclamation point. This is where it's getting exciting.

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I don't think I've ever been 100% satisfied about anything. Well, that kind of goes against our team spirit awards. All right. I'll lie to you. I'm 100% satisfied with my fucking photo of, you know, impulse items at TJ max. Their team gives each item personal care and attention because meeting your expectation is as important as meeting their own. Yeah, somebody's cracking the whip over there. Don't get stuck searching for a last minute gift.

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Everybody speaking and getting rid of your man tits. This is a good way to do it. And ladies, you'll be able to keep your tits and get rid of your CB, which is right below. If you know what it means between you and your titties, the old CB there. Sorry. Blue apron, everybody. See, remember that fucking movie that was just upon the CB? It was just about fucking truckers.

Chris Christofferson was in it. And Ernest Borgnein was the state trooper up there in the helicopter convoy. And I remember that they were trying to get this fucking convoy trucks to just stop driving. It was like vanishing point with like 70, 72,000 fucking 18 wheelers. They just weren't, they weren't stopping for nothing, man. They were just out there and they were just going to keep on driving. So these cops were trying to stop them and they for some reason couldn't. So now Ernest Borgnein, you know, sort of the go between, between truckers and cops,

like he understands them. So there's some cunt up in the elevator going, hey, you fucking truckers. This is, this is the police. We're up here at a helicopter. We really don't have a gun turret or anything, but we're watching you. So you better be nervous. You know, he's trying to make threats up there in this fucking helicopter. So Ernest Borgnein, it just shakes his head.

He goes, yeah, they can listen to that. And he grabs the CB goes these truckers. He goes, they got a language all their own. And then he goes to talk to them down there. And he goes, this is the bear in the air. Never forget how he delivered that line. I even fucked it up. This is the bear in the air.

Like smokey the bear, you know, smokey the cop. Do I have to break it down? You know, that's one of the things that I can't fucking stand. I hate when obvious slang people feel that they have to break it down to you. You know what I mean? I mean, one time I saw this one man show and the guy goes, we were going into Maddie Hattie. He goes, that's Manhattan for all you white people.

I want to be like, oh, thank you. I couldn't figure that one out. It was so, it was so slick and clever. I mean, you're almost saying Manhattan. And of course they got a laugh. White people, they don't understand things. All right, let's get, what am I, am I technically in the middle of a read here?

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Blue Apron, a better way to cook. I love that. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. There's just so many different ways you can do that line read. Blue Apron, a better way to cook, right? Like fucking Ving Reims. We have the meats. How great is that fucking advertising campaign?

I've never had a desire to eat there ever. It's like I don't want fast food roast beef. Does anything fucking die quicker than fucking roast beef? I mean I know it's dead already. You know, rotting flesh is all you fucking stupid fucking vegetarians talk about like your plants not dead already too. They're such dopes. They really are.

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I just picture Big J sitting there on the stool. Just looking around at your fucking deal. What do you do? Filling you up. With CISO you get unlimited access to CISO original series. Next day, late night, hilarious stand up specials. Here are the classics including 42 seasons of Saturday Night Live. That's crazy.

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And the new season of Big J. Oakerson's What's Your Fucking Deal. Or what's your favorite sets from comedians like Faheem Anwar. Pronounced Faheem Anwar. Dude, you know what? Does everybody have to start on Big J. Oakerson's show? Do you have to say what's your fucking deal? You got to say it. I mean it's almost like a game show.

Right? All of it higher. You know? Certain things that you have to say. I can't think of a catchphrase from a game show. Anyways. Hey Bill, the show's already a hit. It's in its second season.

They don't need you fucking retooling it. It's like some ghost producer. Fair enough. All right. Access CISO content from anywhere at any time. Using iOS, Android, Roku, Apple TV, Amazon Fire. Amazon Fire TV. That sounds like a bad fucking.

I don't know. Vodka or Cologne or some shit. Windows on or Xbox. One ready for the punch. Xbox one. Sorry. Ready for the punchline? I thought one ready was the name of one of those things.

Ready for the punchline? Yes, Bill. We are. CISO is just $3.99 per month. No joke. $3.99 per month for all the comedy you want. Anytime. Anywhere.

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CISO.com. Promo code BRR. All right. Not the nitpick. But I would have spelled it S-E-E-S-O-O. So when you spell it out. You know, two E's, two S's, two E's, two O's. CISO.

CISO. All right. Let's plow ahead here. All right. Okay. Oh, Jesus. Boston sports. Let's talk Boston sports.

Da-da-da-da-da-da. Jesus. What a couple of fucking games those were. All right. Let's start with the Boston Bruins. We've lost three games straight. To the Ottawa. S-E-E-S-O.com.

I missed the... I missed yesterday night's game. Because I was at the memorial service. But I definitely watched game two and game three. And although we had a furious comeback in game three. It was not enough. I was actually in the north end. In the cigar bar.

Smoking a stogie. Hoping it was going to be a good thing. What a fucking... That was a great goal though in overtime. That'll give and go. Got to admit. And I don't know. I don't know.

They've just been out playing us. And they deserve it now. Granted, it was a shit call. But there's going to be shit calls. It's just going to happen. But, you know... I don't know. Shit call or no shit call.

We've lost three games in a row. So, I mean, you can only look in the mirror. So, we'll see what happens. The excitement of the Bruins making the playoffs is quickly subsiding here. I would like to see them win a series. And now they got their fucking backs up against the wall. So, we'll see when game five comes up.

I imagine tomorrow. All right. And then the Celtics. Oh, Jesus. Celtics have been completely exposed. I know that that's probably been said a thousand times. You know what's funny is when I first got back into the NBA, which I got back into it because Paul Verzi was coming out here.

And he loves the NBA. And he was staying with me, him and his lovely wife. Staying with me and my lovely wife for like four or five days. And I'm a hell of a host. Oh, what a host. What a host, right? So, I'm just like, all right. Well, you know, Verzi's coming to town.

I got to get some Johnny Blue. I got to get the NBA package so he can watch his Knicks. And I just got into the Celtics. So, I've been watching him since December of 2015. And my first thought when I was watching him, I was like, where are we going to go with this game plan? We have this superstar point guard. We live and die by the three and we don't get any fucking rebounds.

Like, I don't understand how you can win anything playing basketball like that. But then here's what happened. They did. And they just kept winning. And everybody else, it just became socially acceptable on the hard court to fucking run down the court with the ball. Three people from the other team are under the net. Nobody on your team or maybe one guy.

It was totally acceptable to say, I'm not waiting for my other teammates and I'm just going to launch a fucking three, you know, and we're up by one with like fucking eight minutes to go. Like, what are you doing? But that just, you know, the same way after Jordan, people were just like, well, I guess we don't need to feed it to a big man. Do we even need a big man? So, I was like, all right, I guess this is the new game.

So, we ended up not only doing great this year. Once we added Al Horford, yeah, we fucking got the number one seed. And at that point, I completely forgot about my initial reaction to the way that they were playing. And I was like, all right, I guess, yeah, we're the number one seed. We get an eight seed. All right. And after the first two games, it's like, you know, it seems like the opposite. It seems like they're the number one seed and we're the eight seed.

And I kind of knew we were in trouble. I guess, well, when Charles Barclay just basically broke our team down after the first half of the first game, going, yeah, you just basically, you double team, Isaiah, try to make him beat the double. And then if these guys don't hit their threes, you know, they're not getting any fuck. I don't know what the hell he said, but it's just like, all right, this guy's already figured us out. Basically, what I'm saying is, I think this is the first real test for Brad Stevens, this next game, where he has to make a drastic adjustment with the players that he has because they figured us out before the opening tipoff. And that has led to two losses and we have not been able to make any adjustment.

And what's fascinating about the bulls is even though they're an eighth seed, they got Rondo and they got Dwayne Wade and Rondo's got a ring and I think Dwayne Wade, he's got what, three rings, four rings? He won one with Shaq and then two with LeBron, three with LeBron. I can't remember. I'm not a big NBA guy. He's got at least three rings. So there's four rings right there. Those guys have been through it numerous times. So they're not afraid of the ebbs and flows of the game. They're not afraid of playing on the road.

They're just totally chill. And I think that affects the rest of the team. And then you got Butler and Lopez who have just fucking animals just hitting, you know, 12 foot jump shots, 15 footers while getting all these rebounds. And then that fucking white dude from Europe, Vladivac Jr. He's fucking started hitting threes and, you know, we're getting our asses kicked. So I'll see what happens. I mean, you know, but Jesus Christ.

I mean, we were down three to one and hockey and went down O2 going out to Chicago. So I'm hoping, I'm hoping, yeah, Jesus, so we don't get fucking swept. I mean, I don't know, brutal, brutal, brutal, but you know, what are you going to do? And it's just a fucking game. I realized that after the first one when I'm watching, you know, Isaiah Thomas crying about losing his sister was really a brutal week for that type of shit. Huh? And Aaron Hernandez hung himself, man.

That was fucking brutal. The whole thing was brutal. And then all those fucking jokes that people were making. Like, oh, yeah, he got hung up. He's got an upper body injury to the fucking neck. Oh, all this dumb shit. That that shit to me is always weird where you're going to sell that guy's a murderer. He's a fucking piece of shit.

And, and then everybody acts like a fucking animal when he kills himself. Of course, there's people out there that don't think, you know, something else happened. It's like, all right, you got just got acquitted on those other two murders. And then you had a good chance for an appeal. You know, you had some hope. But I don't know who the fuck knows. I don't know what the fuck happened. I don't necessarily agree with that or disagree.

I have no fucking idea. But I do know was I think if you're any sort of a fucking human being, the whole thing was just sad. It's just like, you know, it's every just all these lives just fucking thrown away over nothing. Granted, you know, obviously he pulled the fucking trigger and everything like that. But still, I don't take any sort of, I don't know, I just, I didn't get that. I was just like, it was just, yeah, it's one of those things. It's just from front to back. You just wish it didn't happen.

And everybody's like, Hey, here's my fucking obvious joke. So anyway, out. God, am I really going to be talking about fucking him killing himself? Is that how I'm going to end this podcast? How long has this podcast been 43 minutes? Well, you know what? I'm in overtime. All right, let's end up on something positive tonight.

Of course, I'm working tonight. And this fucking band that I've been wanting to see because the drummer is amazing. I don't have his name in front of me. I should have it, but I don't. This band called Russian Circles is playing is playing at the, uh, for fuck's sakes. What's the name of the fucking team? I mean, goddamn theater begins with a P out here. Hang on.

I got to hit pause. I got to make sure you have this information. Hold on. Hang on. The Palladium. Fuck. Taking Paramount, the pompadour, the fucking Palladium. Actually, that's where Richard Pryor tape, uh, live on the sunset strip.

So I was introduced to this band. They played this song Harper Lewis live and, uh, their drummer absolutely fucking blew me away with his, um, just how solid his, his, his beats were. And then his use of dynamics is just on a whole other fucking level, which I really think is a lost art. Um, but they're playing tonight, um, says six 30 p.m. And I wish I could go, but I got a fucking goddamn benefit. So I can't make it, but I'll post that clip of the band playing that song Harper Lewis.

It's the live version and just the way, you know, it just starts off with the drum beat that he's playing and he's playing it, you know, it gradually builds in intensity, gets louder and louder. And then, uh, then when they go into that, I don't, it's an instrumental band. I don't know how to say versus course. I don't know what the fuck they're doing, but just absolutely blew me away. If you got nothing to do tonight, you want to see a killer band, go down, get a couple of tickets to that.

I guarantee you have a great time. Um, all right, that is the podcast. Um, I guess cause it's four 20, like weed man. I guess, uh, Andrew is going to be giving you guys some extra clips. It's going to be a little bit longer and, uh, and that is it. And it was an honor to be at Charlie Murphy's memorial service. It was an honor to know that guy. And I want to thank, uh, everybody who spoke that night last night, the way that they sent

that guy off, it was just like it was, it just was a level of greatness in the performances that I saw from the comedians that went up and spoke. And, um, Charlie was one of the greats, you know, and it was just, it was such a perfect send off. And I'm really glad that I was able to be there and witness it. So that's it. I'll, uh, you fucking cunts have a great weekend and, uh, enjoy this music and some, uh, some clips from a podcast recorded in a Monday or a Thursday gone by

and I sure would like a hit. Don't fogart that joint, my friend. Pass it over to me. Pass it over to me. Don't fogart that joint, my friend. Pass it over to me. Roll another one. Roll it just like the other one.

Roll it like the other one. You've been holding on to it. And I sure would like a hit. Don't fogart that joint, my friend. Pass it over to me. Pass it over to me. Don't fogart that joint, my friend. Pass it over to me.

Pass it over to me. So I take my dog around the block and, uh, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I come back in and Nia's like, Hey, you know what? You want to have a pot cookie? And I was like, no, I don't. I got the podcast to do. I got some bills, mail and shit I have to do. She's like, come on.

It's fucking raining. We're not going anywhere. This is a perfect day to have a pot cookie. It's like, I don't like that shit. Gets me too fucked up. I feel like I'm hallucinating. I don't want to do it. And she goes, no, these are really mild.

These are really mild. I know everybody out there who fucking consumes those things right now is laughing. They're really mild. It's like, all right, fine. So I fucking eat this thing. Right. And it comes on really slow. It's mellow.

And I'm like, all right, I can deal with this. Just sort of just be chilling out and be relaxed. And then all of a sudden just fucking to the moon Alice. Right. It's like fucking tripping. Not like literally, but it was just like, you know, I closed my eyes and my feet would feel like they were nine miles away from me, you know, and that was it. I took it in the afternoon, like around four o'clock by five o'clock.

That was it. The day was over. So now here I am. I got a bunch of shit to do and I'm trying to cram this crap in there. I really don't like it. Pothead's idea of what mild is, is not, you know, now I'm sure I'm going to get a bunch of fucking get a bunch of fucking emails from people going like this. You want this sativa fucking Asian infused strain of weed, man.

I don't give a fuck. Right. I mean, I was like just, I was watching TV just dying, laughing at everything that fucking came on there. My wife made some cornbread with the chili and I started doing like a cornbread commercial. You know, hey guys, what's better than a, than a bowl of chili? That's right. A nice piece of cornbread.

Hi. Do you know me? Sure, we all do. I was just doing that shit and I was the funniest shit ever to me and Neil was looking at me like, what the fuck's wrong with you? I'm like, what do you mean what's wrong with me? You fucking drugged me. I swear to God, you know what I think it was?

I think the horror of me being around for 24 hours with that weather. She got like capped fever and she literally drugged me because she was able to handle it fine, which is making me think she took less and she was just sitting there watching TV and I'm saying all this shit that's making me laugh and she just sitting there totally quiet. I like, I got my bombing over here. She was just like, no, no, no. I hear what you're saying.

I'm just watching the show and I'm like, how are you that fucking like I'm still a little fucked up right now. 24 hours later. I don't know. So anyway, that's why I like alcohol. It slowly comes on. I know where it's going. Isn't like you grab a beer and you say, I wonder what this does.

What's the end? No, this is a mellow drunk. And then all of a sudden you get like fucking 20 times drunker than you wanted to be. I mean, that can start that can happen. I guess with hard stuff, I don't know. I just feel like the amount of fucking edibles you have to have to start to understand what they do to you. It's just not fucking worth it.

So that was my one pot cookie for the year. I have dry mouth from that fucking cookie last night. Hey, when they legalize like pot at a federal level, do you think that they'll actually have Girl Scout like pot cookies? You know, Jesus Christ, that'll be a field day. What is happening to this country? I mean, they sound like drugs. You have been selected as the first astronaut to explore the planet Mars.

The countdown is progressing and your spaceship is about to blast off on its voyage of discovery. Because of the incredible speed of your rocket, your trip is short. Your trip is short. Your trip, your trip is short. Your trip, your trip is short. Did you see that 12 year old girl or whatever from Canada breaking down the banks? No, I haven't seen one. Oh my God.

Oh, we got to see that. A Canadian? Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was great. No, she's breaking down Canadian banks. There's no reason to get nationalistic or anything. Right. People get very nationalistic about the Canadians commenting on our side of the border.

It brings up, it says like a mortgage. They considered it a death note. Like your basic, we got you for life. Yeah. How long is this? You know, it's probably going to, what do you say? We'll just catch a little bore. Yeah, we'll watch a minute.

Make it big Sam, so we can see this youngster. Yeah, where's the youngster? Breaking down the banks. Do your thing. Here she comes. Yeah. Have you ever wondered why Canada is in debt? Have you ever wondered why the government forces Canadians to pay so many taxes?

Have you ever wondered why the bankers from the largest private banks are becoming wealthier and the rest of us are not? Have you ever wondered why the gross national debt is over 800 billion dollars? That's it. Or why we are spending 160 million dollars a day on the interest of the national debt? That's 60 billion dollars a year. It's nothing compared to us, by the way. Have you ever wondered who receives the 60 billion dollars?

What I have discovered is the banks and the government have colluded to financially enslave the people of Canada. He's dead before 15. I will share with you three important points of reference, which will hopefully spark enough interest and concern for you to continue the research on your own and to engage your family with the stock coming under 4 billion dollars before Canada. First, we will briefly examine the bank of Canada. Second, we will see how our banking system works today.

And lastly, I will offer a viable solution that we can petition our government to implement. A very little-known figure in Canadian history is J. O'Grady McGeer. Who? He was a lawyer, member of parliament, and mayor of Vancouver. His contribution to Canada is probably the greatest in our history. He championed the creation of the National Bank of Canada. She must be a chore. This is their federal reserve.

Yeah. It was formed on July 3rd, 1934, and owned by all Canadians. In the 1970s, because of the Bank of Canada, Canada's national debt was held at a constant manageable level. Until the government decided to implement what we now have as our modern-day banking system that is robbing the Canadian people. So how are they robbing us? How does a 12-year-old do this?

We can explain how our private banks and government work today. First, the Canadian government borrows money from the private banks. They then let the sepia's money to Canada with common interest. The government then continues to increase the taxation of Canadians year after year in order to pay back the interest on the exponentially growing national debt. What results is inflation, less real money for Canadians suspended to our economy, and the real money being used to pad the pockets of the banks. Oh boy.

This is any American conversation. Yeah, I'm sure. This is the game. This is the game. That doesn't exist in the form of loans. This is obviously... When a bank gives you a mortgage, which literally means a debt pledge, or a loan, they don't actually give you money.

They click a key on a computer and generate the fake money out of thin air. They don't actually have it in their bank vaults. Presently, the bank's only of $4 billion on reserve. But they have loaned over $1.5 trillion. Loaned out. To program towers, each and every time a bank makes a loan, a new bank credit is created, new deposits, brand new money. Broadly speaking, all new money comes out of a bank in the form of loans.

As loans are debt, then under the present system, all money is debt. I don't know how much we would listen to Thomas. It's great. She's nailing it though. Obviously, it's an adult who figured, look, there's less chance they're going to kill a 12-year-old girl. Right. So you say this.

Right. For us. Say it for us. Wow. Please. Yeah, yeah. No, that's it. I was thinking about like, I hit the loan from my house.

It's like, I never had the money. You never had the money. All of a sudden, I just get this statement with this number on it. Yeah. Like you always this. They never had the money. Dude, this is how nuts it is. I had water damage on my house and I had insurance.

So when the check came, it was made out to me, my girl, and the mortgage company. I'm like, why is it also made out to these guys? So I'm like, I got to get them to sign the back of this thing. Where are they? Who do I go to? Right. So I call them up and they go, oh no, you guys sign the check over to us and we hold on to the money.

Money. And I go, wait a minute. I go, it's my insurance. Why are you guys holding on to the money? And they go, well, because we have a vested interest in the property. So do I. And I sort of said, I go, so do I. I live there.

And then they basically just kept going off. It's over $10,000 in damage. It's our policy that we hold on to the money. And I go, I kept saying why. And she goes, it's our policy. And I go, I know why. She goes, I just told you why. I go, no, you didn't.

I know it's your policy. I'm saying, why does that policy exist? And I basically broke her down to the point. This is what happened. They fucked over so many people by loading them 250 grand for a house that's only worth $1.80 now. And people were so fucked and they were going to lose their houses that when they had $10 grand worth of damage and they got the check, they got like, I'm not putting it into this

hole. And they kept the money and bought like a Dodge Challenger and had a keg party or whatever the fuck they did, right? But some Air Jordans. So then the banks would get the houses back with the hole in the fucking roof that they had to fix. So they don't trust me because they fucked people so bad. They don't trust me that I'm going to do the right thing on my own house.

So they literally treating me like a child. So I have to give them the money and I have to do a third of the job, have the workers stop, and then they have to have a worker come over to check the quality to make sure you're not just on the cheap, patching it up and pocketing it up. So this is why this is all I do is I just knock down the principal because I hate having people having that level of control over me. Let me ask you a question about this though because I did the same thing with my loan. I got a loan from the bank for X amount to pay off this to buy this place.

So but when they gave me that loan, 10% of equity and the other 80% of fucking regular rate, it went to the guy who I bought the place from. But then he had the money. And when she's saying that the money doesn't exist, like, but like if that guy wanted to withdraw all that money, he could have and it came from my bank. Like, you know, this is the thing, but through taxes and penalties, you can do whatever you want with your money, but they're going to ask rape you. They basically through the taxes and penalties, they funnel you down this same shoot.

Like it's unbelievable. Like the money that I foolishly put into the stock market, like I don't even look at it like I'm ever going to get it back. Like I get it back when I'm like 70. Yeah. It's like, oh, you can take it out now, but we're going to get charged. We're going to ask rape you. Yeah.

We're going to charges or you can just leave it. Leave it. Just leave it in there. So I don't know. Like, but this is the thing though. So say whatever. Say like, if you have, if you ever go to like, you know, if you sold a house for 800 grand and then you go to the bank, you know, I want that 800 grand in cash.

You're like, oh, that's gonna take a couple of days because they don't have it. No, it's not there. They don't have like vault full of golden cash. There's nothing. I don't know. There's just like the bullshit that they stick into ATMs. I would think. Yeah.

Yeah. Just to keep the other because other than that, now it's great as everybody uses the debit cards and checks. So now again, now we don't even have to have the phony stuff. Just numbers. Numbers. It's all numbers. You work all week.

You get a number on this piece of paper. You stick it in the thing and there's the number goes there. That number goes there. Yeah. I know what Jim's saying, but here's the deal, Jim. Yeah. You buy a place. You get a loan from the bank and it, you know, money goes to the guy that, uh, that that

and for the most part, again, it's just numbers transferred from account to account. If every single seller of the house wanted cash, there wouldn't be a problem. Right. So much loans out. They don't have that money. Right. No. And they can legal when you, when you, if you deposited a thousand bucks, they could

legally loan off that thousand, $1,000 to each one of us. So they like counterfeit another four grand that doesn't exist. And if you got your 800 grand, what are you going to do? Stick it in the mattress. You're going to go stick it in the bank and they got it back. Yeah. Yeah. That's the fear of being armed is you just, you put it in the bank just so nobody can break

into your place and steal it. To get no interest at this point. Nothing. I was in the bank yesterday opening an account for a new corporation or a new LLC. What are they offering? She's like, well, we can open a savings account. And she was nice. And I'm like, I'm so disgusted with the bank of America.

They, they incorporate, they did my corporate or my company through this bank. So I'm opening a checking account there. But I'm like, I've done, I've put all my money in this one place to invest it. You guys, I said, not you personally, but are reprehensible. The computer records and the fact that you've messed up my final mortgage payment. And I had to go through it with the bank. They just, they fucking stink. All of them.

They stink. Yeah. They, they try to get me every time when I'm depositing or taking something out of my, my checking account. And I have, you know, I have enough in there to fuck around by some dinosaurs from my yard and whatnot. So, so they always go like, Oh yeah, I see your balance here. Do you want to, you know, talk about an account this is like, really?

What are you going to give me? Like, what could they possibly offer me? Half a percent? That's what they're offering my savings. That's not it. They'll call me up and be like, you know, you're eligible to refinance your mortgage and, you know, get the lower interest rate. It's like, yeah, but then I, I start off at payment number one.

You're sending me all the way back to the start line again for 30 years. And it's just like, do you think I'm an idiot? And the guy's going, no, well, this would be a lower mortgage. I go, dude, there's no way you're sitting at a bank going, how can I make less money off this guy? I can't intellectually break down what you're doing. But I know what your job is. Less payments for me.

Yeah. Less money for me to pay you every month. It's like, oh, I'm paying less. It's not like I can call him up and I figured it out. Well, wait, I can refine it. He's calling me. He's fucking guys calling me like a psycho, like six times. I finally picked up.

I'm just like, why, why do you keep calling me about this? Right. Why do you do that? Oh, you just want to make sure that you get the bloop, the bloop. No, you can't. It's got to be in their favor. You could be paying less every month. Yeah.

That's like those, goes back to that thing I've talked about with those savings, the credit cards at those things. It's just like people. It's like, do you think that CVS and these people are going, how can we make less fucking money off of these goddamn people? Bill breaks it down perfectly. Do you have a CVS card? No, no.

Do you want one? And that's who I love too. And then when you pay with the credit card, then you just watch them. They'll just grab a random one and swipe it there for you. Yes. And it's like, why the fuck did you just, I just said I want to pay more money for this. And you did that because you're taking my personal information. They just, I think they like sell it to other companies.

He's like, he loves this toothpaste. Absolutely. He loves the toothpaste. Absolutely. What can we get for that? You want to know what kind of toothpaste this guy likes? Dude, end up so fucking loot-ly. Don't give them your number ever.

Don't give them the information. They get it, though. They've always swiped their own. Right. When they go like, you got a CVS card? No. Oh, we happen to have one right here. I'll just do this for you.

I'll just do this for you. And it goes out on the fucking, you know, your credit card info's got everything. So then you're getting junk mail. You're getting fucking shit. So this is what I do. I pay cash, but it's like Texas hold them, like, or whatever, like, you don't show the credit card or the cash. They're like, oh, I don't have it, and then you act like you're going to fucking swipe

a card. And then they do a little boop with the CVS thing. Now you've got the money. And then bam, I slap them. I'm a ghost. Good one. You don't know me. You lost a grin.

You lost a grin. Ah, fuck it. And that right there, guys, now you get the discount on the fucking deodorant. Fucking bill. I love it. You are greeted by a hungry, welcome good man. It's been a while playing the Count Basie Theater tonight in Red Bank, New Jersey, billbur.com for all his tour dates.

For all your comedy needs. Yeah. You're pretty much away all summer, huh, Bill? Yeah, I got to pay off my death note. Holy shit. No, I am, dude. I'm trying. Like that's my retirement.

I just, I'm going to just pay that thing off. And then someday, you know, when this business is done with me, I'll just sell it. And I don't know what, just go live off the land. Well, live on one of those silver trailers. Yeah, at this point, if I'm not, you know, we're not in a police state and I'm required to live in a mega city. I can't stand the fact that you're never done. You're never done with this shit.

Like when you say, oh, I'm retiring or I'm doing this, you're still filling out your paperwork and fucking taxes and things. You're still, you're still accountable to the government for your property tax. Oh, I paid my house off. Oh, you did? How about if you don't pay your property tax? Still just take your fucking house that you paid off, that you bought, that is your house. No, the reason why it's so fucking long too is it's so brilliant because by the time you

get it finished, you're so fucking old. It's just like the kids are out of the houses. I can't go up the stairs anymore. And then you sell it for some, you know, and you get out, your liver fails or whatever and you're out and then they get another 30, 35 year old and they fucking put that death note in it. Dude, if it just freaks you out, like you drive, everything you look at, they own. And even if they don't own it, they're getting it back when whoever owns it dies.

So however much it costs, it took so fucking long to pay it off. What kills me is it's just, it's what fucking killed. It'd be one thing if they were like these, these fucking gangsters and they look like they don't tell UFC guys with the shave and it's just like, that guy's going to snap my neck. I'm not going to say shit. I got it. Just walk into a bank and look at these cunts on the other side of the desk.

A little pencil. Not saying some of them don't go down to a dojo, not saying, but I'm just saying to have this level of, of, of power is just it, it kills you. But I don't think the level of power is on the people that you or me see on the daily basis. They're just slobs like we are trying to eke a living by. It's a, it's the unnamed people. It's the people that, it's the person that was written on that check of yours.

Who is that? What a consortium of fucking building. But this is the thing. I always came in and talked about that shit. You guys were always saying that I was going down the fucking rabbit hole and I was nuts. And I'm not telling you, I remember when I tweeted you Rolling Stone actually did. I mean, they're fucking so left. It's ridiculous.

Yeah. But they were saying like apology to conspiracy as far as that went, right? You know, not the lunar landing and all that shit because they would, they were kind of breaking down how all of this stuff works. And like, I actually went one point. I was sitting, um, talking to a banker at my bank and we started talking about that shit and he was like lowering in his voice. He's just going like, he's literally going like, yeah, man, you know, it's insane.

Have you ever seen like that, that zeitgeist thing? Like, you know, like, no, that was the 9-11-1. I don't know what the fuck it was, but he started talking about it too. And it's like, this guy, this guy, he, and it's like, how can you be in this thing? He's in the machine, but you don't even, he's just a fucking, no, he's a wingnut on the back panel. The reason why he stays in it is he's, his money is stuck in it too. He has a death note and he's literally sitting there like shining Darth Vader's shoes every

day. That's, that's how he fucking makes his money and he's sitting there like, I almost got nervous. Like, you know, somebody's going to step out of a wall and both of us, you know, chloroform rag and we're going to disappear. It's like, dude, not here. Not here. I was supposed to be doing the Joe Pessie with a hand over our mouth, sitting in a garage

with the radio on. It's like, I am, I am with you. We used to fucking sit here and go, oh, Bill, oh, Bill. I think everyone's all in now. So obvious and out there now. I'll say one of the greatest things you'll ever do too is have Joe Rogan talk to you for maybe 43 seconds about why the lunar landing didn't happen and you're just 100% convinced. It's the greatest thing.

He was going, he goes, Bill, all the technology we have, we had three stage rockets to get us out of this. He goes, so how the fuck did that thing get back off of the mood? Just that little, the top part that's just left. How the fuck did it? Well, you have barely the gravity that we have of earth and no, no atmosphere to speak of for friction with the air. Yeah.

So, yeah. Oh yeah. That's the bill I love. Oh yeah. All right. I agree with the banks, but now you're talking crazy. Well, who filmed it when it takes off from the fucking moon and that camera pans up? Yeah, they set a camera there with a remote.

Is that what they did? Yeah. That's what they did. What did that camera look like? Because I remember what that fucking camera looked like in 1988. What exactly did that fucking camera look like? It was a big boxy-looking camera. Big giant typewriter-looking thing that covered in silver, mild-moldy.

Yeah, it was. Yeah. From what? From the lunar module. It was able to track the lunar module as it took off. Jesus, with this Star Trek horse shit. You know what should be going on right now as you tell this story? That sound effect of when the doors opened on the Star Trek.

No, I completely believe it. And I don't even know what I'm talking about. He starts talking about solar flares in this shit, whether it's just like, I don't know, these blasts of fire just go through space. Can we find this? It's not. The next time Joke comes in, I don't want to put him on the spot, but I sat there and people, he really believes it didn't happen.

It's standard. But unlike me, he actually, he's probably wanting to punch me in the face because he's actually right up on it. We had Buzz Aldrin in just, what, last week? Buzz Aldrin had to punch the guy in the face saying that it didn't happen. No, no, no, no. He punched him in the face because he called him a coward. And he's from that generation where them's fighting words.

Them's fighting words. I gotta tell you this right now. I gotta commend that doughy jackass that he, because if I took that punch, I would have gone down. He fucking nailed that, dude. That's what I love. You see that dude's back fat ripples. Yeah, yeah.

He just took that. I was right. I almost think because he caught him so flush in the face, it's almost like taking a bump at wrestling where you have it go all across your back somehow, across his face. Yes, Sam. No, that would have been it from Mark's generation. I think Joe Rogan, it's the same shit I've heard for years. It's nothing new.

It's the same, we didn't land on the moon stuff. And it's all been refuted by, not just NASA, by other scientists that have absolutely viable solutions as to why we were on the moon and why every one of these reasons that we weren't has been. No, but I don't want to hear it from them. That's like somebody's accused of murder and he'll tell you why he didn't do it. I want to hear somebody outside of that, you know, I'm full of shit. I don't even want to talk to him.

I'm so happy. What do you got on this, Sam? Yeah, I don't fucking care. Sam's got something. I don't believe, I think everything's bullshit. I think everything is. I'm gonna say now that moon landing was probably real. Oh, Rogan?

Yeah. He went back on it. They got to him. Yeah. They got to him. Well, you listen to somebody give an argument as to why it didn't happen. It makes me like, wow, that guy, that's fucking right. It never happened.

Yeah. And then you hear somebody who knows what they're talking about, refuted, you go, oh, I guess it did. Yeah. That's how I felt when I first, I watched one about why it didn't happen, I'm like, fuck, that's very compelling. Well, Jimmy's a JFK, one guy did it. Oswald guy, yeah.

But I wasn't for many years. Right. The current, you've changed your, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're complete opinion. In favor of conspiracy, forever, hard, forever, now you're convinced it was just Oswald. Yes. This is coming from Dr. Steve, by the way, amateur, astronomer, physician, buff, amateur physician, pederast, creep.

The current Mars orbit, it took pictures of the Sirius, S-I-R-I-U-S Apollo landing sites. I, I suppose those are fake too though. No, no, I'm asking. Sorry, not the Mars orbit. Of course, the moon orbit. Yes. Did they have the car? Did they take a, just take a picture of the car, just to shut me up.

They took a picture of the lunar landing site. They have pictures of the car. They do. They, they, they were able to actually take pictures of those things. And the, the lunar orbiter did take pictures. There are pictures online. Okay. But the banks.

Yeah. Let's see the pictures online. The banks. Find pictures of lunar landing sites. Yeah. Find lunar landing site. Okay. What is that story?

Bieber accused of reckless driving XNFL star Kishan Johnson. He lives in Kishan Johnson's neighborhood. Yeah. Yeah. Bieber's been, one of his sports cars just fucking darting up and down the, the streets. Yeah. Oh. Justin Bieber.

So Kishan Johnson chased him down and then held him until the cops showed up. He held him? Yeah, he held him. He held him or just stand in front of his car? Not sure exactly, but he basically made sure Bieber's didn't leave till the cops showed up. So they could discuss it. No fight there.

Oh my God. No fucking little brawl there. Isn't that great? Oh, come on. Now it looks silly because there's nothing there. Sam, I can't. Astronaut footprints, scientific instruments. What?

Limbshadow. You can't see it. A lunar module. That's the back of a Nestle crunch shadow. That's the back of a Nestle crunch shadow. They just shot it in black and white. I could see the lunar platform right there, the lunar module platform. No, you can't.

Why? Because there's a thing that says lunar module and there's an arrow pointing to it. That is true. It's hard to tell. That is very hard to tell. It's the Apollo 14 site. Oh, there's the scientific instruments. I like how...

I like how... We need better pictures. Yeah. A little clearer. Hey, Dr. Steve, stand down. That's an old picture. There shouldn't be a new picture. That has to be an old photo.

It looks like an older photo. Oh, that's in the Apollo 14. All right. No, no, no. Sorry. No, that was... That's the Apollo 14 site as taken by something else. I don't know what, though.

Yeah. That's a horrible picture. Or perhaps it was from the command module. I didn't know it was from Apollo 14. Charlie Chaplin's flip phone. Right. The old flip phone that the guys were walking around with in the old days. They have a few of those now online.

They found more? That video of something, a film taken back in the 20s and 30s and stuff. And it's like, look at those persons on their cell phone. They're not. They wouldn't be walking around in front of everybody else. Yeah. I told you not to call me in this fucking era. I've been in the 1920s.

Yeah. What are you doing? Dude, can I call you back? Can I call you back? I'm dealing with prohibition. Yeah. We got a guy that has a little more on the Rogan thing. Robert, go ahead, buddy.

Yeah, I hope. Yeah. Neil DeGrasse Tyson or Neil Tyson DeGrasse or whatever that astrophysicist was on Rogan show. And he's the one that convinced Rogan. Rogan was talking about the film and how he believed that the different film clips were faked up on the moon. And the physicists pointed out that to fake the video, to make everything in that environment

react the way it would in a weightless environment, actually took more science to do that than it would have actually taken to have gotten to the moon in time. Yeah, I just, a conspiracy of that magnitude. And then- That's how it always falls apart of me when it gets to the point of how many people would have to be involved and everybody keeps their mouth shut. One person talks. Again, why do it six times also?

I'm an idiot. All right, I'm an idiot. Like if you got away with it once with Apollo 11, wouldn't you be like, all right, that's it for the lunar program? You don't do it again six more fucking times and fake it and no one talks all of those times. It's so ludicrous to think. I know, but the banks.

The banks. I agree with the banks. What was the soda can? They said a lot of the moon people say there was a soda can in the original clip. You could see it in the foreground. Oh, my God. Oh, they have the most nonsensical shit. Did you see that kid from Philly?

I retweeted the video when he was talking about how he found the real bombers in Boston and he just took like a, he just had a picture of a guy with the backpack and he ends it like talking shit. What did he say? He said something like, something like, boom, nailed it or I can't remember what he said. Was it one of those like the amateur investigators that were all over the fucking internet during the bombing? It was like they took crowd shots and like, that's what I love because I'm not, I'm an

idiot, but I'm not a complete idiot. Like I'm not going to sit there and listen to somebody who's, who's compiling news footage versus experts who are actually at the site. I was like, yeah, but you feel that this clip from fucking CNN. Yeah, yeah. Look at this guy here. His backpack is, uh, it looks very heavy. His mannerisms are not indicative of somebody.

Yeah. Yeah. Look, now he doesn't have the backpack on. Well, you can't see it. It's behind somebody. Yeah. Hey, what's going on, it's Phil Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast and as you hear in the background, that's the Canadian

national anthem. Yeah. Yeah. Keep the land. You know what? I'm watching the beginning of the Bruins. Let me hit mute here. It's motherfuckers.

I usually don't disrespect another country's national anthem like that, but they just booed them. The, the, the national anthem, those motherfuckers, you know, you know, it's funny. Americans over there. We always get shit for being fat. We always get shit for being ignorant and all this type of stuff. And I'm telling you, you motherfuckers are just as stupid and ignorant and drunk and fat and not fucking going after your dreams and every other fucking country the same way

we are here. So get off your fucking high horses. All right. You assholes. Jesus Christ. You ever go up to Montreal? Gorgeous. Gorgeous.

Fucking city. Beautiful. Fucking women. You know, granted there's a bunch of fucking drug addicts. Like I've never, like I haven't seen in this country in a long time did that Montreal comedy festival. Jesus Christ. You stand in the back of the fucking other theater.

You take your life in your hands. You ever see a crackhead on a bicycle? I don't think there's anything scarier than that. You don't know what the fuck he's going to do. This guy just came by flying by in a bike, trying to get my head together so I can make these fucking assholes up there who act like they're from France, you know, can fucking drive there. Right?

You're not in Europe. What a bunch of cunts. Anyways, this is the Monday Morning Podcast and I'm doing it as I'm watching, I'm multi-tasking this week, which somebody actually mentioned was overrated and because he says the quality suffers of both things that you're trying to do. And you know, we might be right. Patrice Bergeron taps it in. Sorry.

So anyways, yeah, this is the Monday Morning Podcast. If you're new to my website, billbird.com, welcome. If you're new to my MySpace page, welcome there. And if you listen to this on iTunes, what the fuck's going on? Sorry, I ran out of greetings. I do one of these every single week and this is my brand new contraption, the stereo, which is probably picking up the fan here. Let me shut that shit off.

There we go. I had to shut it off. I'm actually sitting in my living room area. And as you can tell, it's sparsely furnished by the echo in the room. Ah, Jesus Christ. Get him. Get him. Get the fucking thing out of there.

Ah, Christ. You know what? The last thing I need to see is the fucking Canadian score early. You know what I mean? Do you know Lou Cheech got suspended? He got suspended at the end of the game basically because he retaliated because somebody smashed him in the mouth with a stick. Nice fucking save, Tim Thomas is on his game.

Is that Kovalev? Jesus Christ, that guy's good. You know what I mean? I swear to God. And this is, you know, in my most paranoid moment, and you guys know I'm always in a conspiracy theory, I swear to God, it's almost like the people at the top of the NHL are Canadian fans. And you know, and we've been, you know, dominating them the first two games and they couldn't

handle it so they had to give them a fucking advantage. But then again, I gotta be honest, game two, they had a ton of penalties called against the Canadians so I can't complain. Get it out of there. There we go. There we go. Jesus Christ, change lines. All right.

Anyways, the fuck was I talking about? Oh, you wouldn't believe this shit, right? I just, I went over and I had this audition of some shit, right? And I went over and I, you know, it's kind of brutal out here as you're driving down the street trying to find the address of, you know, the building you find because there's so much congestion and shit that, you know, there's always somebody right on your ass. It's like golfing, you know, you have a, you know, if you suck at golf, there's always that force and right behind you, you can just feel them waiting.

That's what's like driving in LA is, is like, right? So I've been trying to get it the fuck out of there. Oh, this is going to drive me nuts. Come on, guys. Here we go. Just play your fucking game. That's all they got to do is just be a little physical with these guys. We're better than them.

There's nothing more I want to see than them to score the first goal and just take the crowd out of the game. Because I got to admit Montreal, that's, that's a legendary, they got legendary fans. You know what I mean? There's only a few buildings in sports that really just have, they got that sound, man, that just gives you goosebumps. Even if you hate the team, you just, you got to respect the sound. Even the new place.

I know it's not the forum, but they got a great sound. Old Yankee Stadium had a great sound to it. You know, in October, you know, that sound of basically a crowd that's used to success, which Fenway Park now has, they got, they got a great sound to it. But anyways, so anyway, so I'm on this fucking audition. Yeah, this is how the podcast is going to be. I'm going to be going back and forth. Look at George Leroc getting all the ice time.

Who, incidentally, is a really good hockey player if you let him fucking play. It's very hard to move out front. He's always passing it out from behind the net. That motherfucker. Oh, Jesus. I got to get out of here. If he fucking scores a goal, he's got the puck. He's bringing it around.

That's why I could never be a fucking, oh, he just got knocked on his ass. Who is that? Chara. Come on, Chara. Get him, you big fucking goof. Ah, Christ. I mean, you know what? I'm going to have to leave the room.

I got this fucking T-Vote. Do I? No, I don't. I don't have this fucking thing recorded. I'm sorry, guys. This is really fucking lame on me. You know, this is really proving that to the kid's point about multitasking. You can't fucking do it here.

Has the puck been in there and the whole fucking game? All right, here we go. Ah, Jesus, with the dumping it in. Yeah, I really fucking can't stand it. Well, I guess it worked. That's why I don't play hockey. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. All right, I'm going to walk out.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to walk in at the end of this podcast. I'm going to see what the fucking score is. Anyways, let's pull out the, oh, shit, I need my computer. This is what you need to get into here now. This isn't the exciting podcast. Let's let me walk through my apartment. Anyway, so I go to park, right?

Did he just call fucking elbowing on who? Who do you call it on? Oh, it's on the Canadians. That's right. Oh, he called the slash. I love it. I love it. There you go.

Oh, it's kind of a weak call. All right, let's get on with it here. All right, I'm in the other room. I'm in the official podcast room here, so it's going to be smooth after this. That was a rough seven minutes, but you know, what do you want from me? What do we want from you, Bill? We want undivided attention. How about that?

All right. All right, relax. So anyway, so I go to pull in, you know, to the parking garage, to park for my audition, and as I pull in this Mexican dude standing there, you know, he's handing out the cards or whatever the fuck he's doing, and I pull up, but I'm like, hey, what's going on? He goes, ah, the garage is full, but you can drive around for seven minutes and look for a spot. And I'm like, what do we mean the garage is full?

He goes, there's no spots, but you can drive around for free for seven minutes. I go, well, why didn't you, because there was literally a parking garage across the street, but it was to a different building. So I go, well, why don't you put a sign up and say that the garage is full? And he goes, well, you can just drive around and come back out. What is the difference? I'm like, the difference is that I could already been parked. You wasted my time.

You should make a sign. And then he goes sarcastic on me. He goes, yeah, okay, okay, bro, I'll make a sign, right? And then I'm flipping out. You're not going to make a fucking sign acting like a complete fucking psycho. And it's a classic, it's that classic corporate mentality. You know what I mean? The fucking parking lot is full.

Put up a sign that says it's fucking full. And they're thinking, oh, well, God forbid somebody pulls out and for half a second we lose one fucking customer in this goddamn parking garage. No one ever thinks, what about all these other shitheads? And I'm telling you, man, like when I was sitting there, literally there was two lanes of people being let in. And as I argued with this guy, like another eight cars fucking went in there and we're all going to be driving around for seven fucking minutes, like we have nothing better

to do. And it's a classic corporate situation where the guy I end up yelling at, he didn't make the decision. You know what I mean? And I end up giving him shit because I can't give the real guy shit who came up with the fucking idea. You know? I mean, how fucked up is that?

The garage is full. Just put a sign up that says full. You have some fucking guy. Yeah, it's full. Yeah, just drive around for seven minutes, yeah, you walk into a place to get a sandwich. Yeah, we're all out of sandwiches. It's bad. Just sort of meander around the restaurant for seven minutes.

Maybe a truck will pull up with some more lunch meat. And there's a fucking perfectly good restaurant right across the fucking street. Oh, let me tell you, that really burns me up. All right, let's get out of this, you know, I really feel bad that I yelled at the guy and I just, you know, I just fucking, I really got to work on my temper. I've been getting better at it. You know, I try to laugh at myself, but it doesn't work out. You know, I did the other day, I actually meet my girlfriend, we went and started looking

at some houses just for the fuck of it because the economy is so bad that they have an open house every five feet. So of course, the first house we look at is this shit. Right. And I'll tell you a funny thing about LA houses from the outside, they look horrible, most of them. They look like these dilapidated ranches that were built during like the Brady Bunch era. But a lot of them, they're built into like the side of a hill.

They're very deceiving. It looks like there's maybe like two rooms in there and you walk in, it's actually three stories. It just goes down the fucking hill, which is great during an earthquake or a mudslide, but that's beside the point. So we walk in there and it just has this fucking unbelievable view of like the mountains looking down over a highway. You got to have a little bit of city in there, right?

And you know, I had like this grill and like literally like two walls of it were just all glass that you could open wide open. So you had that totally inside, outside thing going on. And even like the bedroom, it had like these, these electric blinds. So if you worked at night, I guess the guy worked at night and being a comedian, this is great. You could just totally black out the room and take a nap during the day. The fucking place was this shit, right?

It just, you know, it's just like my dream sort of house. You know, if you ever seen that movie, Sexy Beast, just how they live in their life in the beginning. We just got a couple couples that are a little bit older and they're just grilling and they're drinking and they got money and they don't give a fuck. You know, they're just having a great fucking time that, you know what it is, dude, they're off the wheel. That's what I love about it, you know, they don't, they don't got to worry about money.

They don't have to worry about shit. And this, this was the place. Now of course I couldn't afford this place. So this is the downside to going out and looking at, at, at houses is you start off and you look at shit that you can afford. And you know, when it's an open house, I mean, I looked at a house that was like fucking two million dollars, right? What the fuck?

First of all, what do you got to fucking put down on that? 20% of two million is like 200 fucking grand. So you're financing 1.8 million. I mean, what's your mortgage payment? We've been paying 11 grand a month in interest. It's like, it's just not, you know what I'm saying? I had no business. Look, this is what I'm saying.

So you end up going out there and you end up looking at these fucking houses that are way beyond anything you can afford. And it's awesome. And you fantasize and what if, what if we lived here and all this shit? But then in the end comes the big wave of reality when you go back to your fucking one bedroom apartment. And you know what you just, you know, you feel, you feel like a sap. You know, I thought I was doing all right.

I am doing all right. But you know, I didn't need to know that my level of all right wasn't as high as I thought it was. You know what I felt like when I walked into my apartment? I felt like Lee Harvey Oswald when they walked him in to get booked in Dallas when he's got that big shiner and he's, and he's starting to put it all together. He's just going, oh, I get it. I'm the Patsy.

I'm the Patsy. Right. That's what I am. That's what I felt like fucking sitting here, living on top of other people next to people, people on top of me, you know, I'm living like a rat. All these motherfuckers living in the Hollywood Hills. They're looking down on me now. I can feel it.

I never felt that before. I used to just gaze up there and go, oh, isn't that a beautiful hill? Look at that house right there. I never knew that the owner was looking out his big bay fucking window down at me. You know, go look at that fucker, sitting in his big empty living room and he has to leave it because the fan is ruining his fucking podcast. I didn't know he was doing that shit. Ah, Christ.

Why did I do that? You know, you know, I am, you know, I'm like obsessive. Compulsive. Do you know why fucking? I keep saying how we're going to start doing the Uninformed radio show again, me and Joe DeRosa. And that is true. And Joe is going to be working with me this week out in the Columbus funny, funny bone

in Columbus, Ohio is going to be featuring for me out there. And with this device here, I went out and I bought a couple of microphones. That's all I was going to do. And I'll go up, go buy a couple of microphones, we'll record the Uninformed show on it. And that'll be it. And I'll just email it to Danny Boy on the ONA show and we'll be good to go. But of course I get in there and I'm fucking obsessive, compulsive, right? So I get in there and like salesmen love me, you know, because I'm the guy, I go in there

like, I'm one of those guys, I would go in to buy like a push mower and by the time I left, I would have the fucking biggest John Deere with a fucking snow plow on the front of it and like a John Deere leather jacket. I just buy everything, right? So I go in to fucking guitar center and all you tech people, I really don't need to have you fucking tell me how much, what a waste of money because I went to guitar center. I know, I know I don't know what I'm doing. Just please let me be ignorant, okay?

Just wait a while until you give me the information like, dude, you know, you should have gone, you should have gone to Melly Mel's fucking microphone store on fucking Beverly and LeBrayer. Dude, you haven't heard of that any time, that's never tell people how much you paid for something. Sorry man, this is my fucking blinds banging against the window there. Never tell people how much you paid for, you know what the fucking worst, even if you buy like sneakers or some shit like that, people always come up and they're just jealous, right? So they just want to make you feel like a douchebag because you got a nice pair of sneakers

and they'll be like, oh yeah, nice sneakers and they always go, how much did you pay for them, right? So in your head, you're thinking like, okay, you fucking knock down the price in your head, right? Say you paid 120, you go, I got them for 95, knocking like fucking almost 30% off, right? And no matter what number you say the douchebag you're talking to is always like, dude, you paid fucking 95 for them, what the fuck man? You should have said something, that's what they always say, ah, you should have said

something. Yeah, my brother, he works at Foot Locker, he could have got you those for $18, you know? I used to do a bit about that a long fucking time ago, it was one of my first bits I did as a comedian, you know? And I forget the examples I use, but in the very end, the last example was, you know, I was eating breakfast, dude, how much did you pay for those eggs, ah fuck, my cousin has a chicken, that's how I ended it, you know? I just took it to that level of absurdity, and they laughed at it at the Caloon back

in 1994, and I was like, you know, I think I can bake it in this business, and who knew fucking 15 years later I'd be talking to myself in my apartment that has no fucking air conditioning. Um, why does it have no air conditioning? Because I went with style over comfort, fucking moron, alright, anyways, you know what, I literally forgot what the fuck I was talking about right before I went into that story. God damn it, my fucking linear thinking, that's it, it's gone, it's gone for good, I don't even know what the hell I was talking about, but I feel like I've had good energy through this podcast, so I'm gonna fucking move on.

Um, alright, let's get to some of the topics here, oh I know, I know, the microphones, that's right, so I walk into Guitar Center and I tell the guy, this is all I want to do, I just want to buy two microphones, and some, and like a cord, and whatever sort of like branch off thing I need so I can plug it into this fucking thing, right? And by the time I left, I had bought two microphones, a mixer, um, the cord, and then I had bought a series of the, you know, the windscreens that go on top of the microphones, and I didn't just buy two black ones, you know, which would have cost me like 99 cents a piece, so like three bucks a piece, whatever the fuck they were, this guy had on the wall these multicolored

ones that really reminded me of like, you know, not to use that Guns N' Roses reference again, but you remember when like Axl Rose had like the white fucking, you know, microphone with the white cover on top, and then the other ones were like orange, which reminded me of the 70s, when I used to watch like game shows and shit, and I'm like those are fucking ridiculous, I have to buy them, and he's like they're ten bucks, I could have got the others for like whatever, four bucks, and I'm like you know what, yeah, fuck it. I just lit up my credit card, so I'm literally bringing a portable fucking radio station with me to Columbus, Ohio next week, and we're going to be uploading uninformed shows, radio shows,

and if you don't know what the uninformed show is, um, I don't know what happened, but in the last 30 seconds I lost the energy to try to even explain it to you, maybe it's because I'm trying to eat better, I've been eating vegetarian shit a lot lately, I just had a cucumber salad, and a brown rice and lentil burger, and I'm just waiting for you guys to be like oh my god, what are you a fake, huh, what are you sucking dick out there in LA now Bill, you know, because I'm eating fucking brown rice and lentil bean, let me tell you something man, you feel fucking great afterwards, I'm not like, believe me dude, I am beyond a carnivore, like I'm one of those guys, I like the shit medium rare, and uh,

but I'm kind of doing a little bit of this veggie thing, just because I haven't been working out that much lately, and you know, why make it even more difficult on myself, you know, and this is what I've learned about vegetarian food, um, a lot of it is good, but there's a third of it that is really either just doesn't taste good or it is just, I don't know, philosophically if that's the wrong word, it's just fucking, the food is wrong, like this is what I've learned, if you're gonna eat vegetarian style, you still have to eat real food, like that was brown rice and lentil beans, both those things fucking exist, okay, in our reality, and then they just mush them together, you know, and then it's on real bread with real lettuce

and all that type of shit, what you have to watch out for is that fucking tofu, when they, they, you walk into a place and they'll say it's vegan, and then you look on the menu, and they're like, it's, it's, you know, see like chicken, you'll see a chicken sandwich, or a cheeseburger, and you're like, I thought it was vegetarian, like oh it's tofu, and they make the tofu somehow taste like chicken, but it doesn't quite taste like chicken, and the texture of it just, it's like, it was making my fucking teeth hurt, like, and only that, they fucking deep fried it, how do you get tofu to taste like a chicken, you know what I mean, what do you put like a chicken on a treadmill above it and with a strainer

underneath it, so when it sweats, it sort of drips down into the fucking pot, that's really disgusting, I'm sorry, I'm just saying, do you drop it in chicken broth? Is that how you do it? Because even then, you know what I mean, that's disgusting in like a vegan way, like I would never eat another human being, right, so if I ever got a human being burger and they had put it in a fucking, some sort of human broth, I would never fucking eat it, that would be disgusting, did that make any sense? You know where I was going with that, you know what I'm saying, I'm saying if you're

a vegetarian, right, just go with me on this, shut the fuck up, go with me, right, if you're a vegetarian, you know, a vegan, right, you don't want to fuck with animals on any level, the fact that you would have a broth of chicken broth, that would be disgusting and you wouldn't want to have your food dipped in it, that was my point, I don't want to eat another human being, so don't dip my tofu, or don't even dip my fucking chicken patty in human broth, there we go, Jesus Christ, that was a long way, that was a long fucking way to go for that, all right, we're 21 minutes in, 21 minutes in, let me take a peek to see what the score is, god damn it, I can't wait, please, please, please, please, please, fuck, all right, okay,

all right, so judging by that response, you know, I hope I didn't say it too close, god damn those fucking motherfuckers, what the fuck, they got to suspend loot sheets, that's such bullshit, fucking guy gets smashed in the face with a stick, so he hits the guy back, and as always, they always catch the guy who retaliates, you pussy ass Canadians, let me tell you something, you Montreal fucking assholes, you're going to lose this one, because we're a better god damn team, and you can sing, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, all you fuck you want, all right, you're going down this year with a better fucking team, all right, so you know what, the NHL gave you this game, if you even win this game, we're still going

to fucking beat you, but if you even win this fucking game, the NHL gave it to you, you bunch of punks, you're playing a pussy ass fucking game, this whole series, what do you think about that, huh, did that affect the fact, did that make the Bruins tie it up at 1-1, what an idiot I am, god damn it, all right, why do I watch sports, why do I watch sports, it's not enjoyable, it's not enjoyable, fucking makes me lose my mind, makes me lose my fucking mind, speaking of which, let's talk about annoying things in sports, this is a new topic, this here is a new topic that, I don't know, I made fun of the Red Sox last week about, just that sweet Caroline song and everybody goes bop,

bop, bop, during the seventh inning, it's one of the worst fucking things I've ever seen in my life, and somebody actually sent me an email this week and said that they actually remixed that song, sweet Caroline, and during the bop, bop, bop parts, they took the audio from a game at Fenway Park and it's just like, you know what just amazes me about that, it's like, you got people who come to the game, before the game, it's like, they listen into the Foo Fighters, they listen into ACDC, they listen into real fucking music, okay, they're not listening to Neil Diamond, and then you get into the game, and then this fucking herd mentality just takes over, you know, it's the same way, like Hitler or Stalin or any

of those fucking guys gets people to do horrific shit, and yes, I am comparing genocide to singing sweet Caroline during the seventh inning stretch of a baseball game, yes I am doing that, okay, just in case you wanted to get on your high horse and be like, you know man, I really think that comparison was a little out of line, it's fucking ridiculous, alright, so let's talk about things that annoy you in sports, alright, here we go, what does this person have, this is more like a comment on sports, it says, hey Bill, I'm not sure if you've paid attention to the first couple of games in Yankee Stadium, which were against the Cleveland Indians, but it's been a fucking awesome weekend for Indian fans like me, Thursday

we won 10-2 and Saturday we whooped their asses, 22-4, and we didn't just win, I mean we smashed them, we scored 14 runs in the second inning alone, 7 doubles, 6 homers, it was fucking amazing, though all those New Yorkers must be pissed, those seats in the new stadium were about $2,500 a pop, that's just down around home plate, but that's still ridiculous, he goes, I sort of feel bad for them, but fuck them, those arrogant assholes have had enough glory time, yeah man, they're in a bad way, I know it's early on in the season, but there's a car going by, my busy street, yeah, they're in a dilemma, like how do you spend all that money and you buy that stadium and you fucking lose the way they've been

losing, I know they don't have a bullpen, but that's not a good thing, that's the understatement of the year, that's not a good thing, but I gotta be honest with you, you know something as much as I fucking hate the Yankees, and I don't like their fans and everything, I feel bad that they gotta pay that much fucking money, because even though the Yankees, their players and the owners are rich, their fans aren't, at least in the upper deck, and I don't know if you notice, there's a lot of empty seats around there, and $2,500 for a fucking seat is, that's not right, that's not right, and that's not right to pass it on to the fans like that, and I know they live in a big market and there's a big media

market and all that type of shit, but if for some reason the Yankees somehow all of a sudden announced that they were bankrupt, it really wouldn't surprise me, because they've been living their lives for the past 10 years, like, you ever see like when some white trash dude wins the lottery, you know what I'm saying, and they just go out and they buy like a gold plated fucking bass boat and just retarded shit, you know what I mean, they buy like 58 fucking George Foreman grills, like I want one every five feet in my house, so if any moment I want to have a fucking burger, I can just make it, I don't even have to get up, I don't even have to fucking get up, right, like they just do like, I don't know, you

know what I'm saying, they just buy dumb shit, and that's how they've been running their fucking team, and you know, I eat one Yankee fans, I know there's a couple Yankee fans out there, what the fuck was wrong with the other stadium? Not to mention all your mojo is there, I'm not saying the new stadium isn't beautiful, because it's fucking, it's unbelievable, and I love that they got, what do they call it, the facade, whatever they fucking, that shit that was in center field that they put it back around the infield again, it looks amazing, but you know, I don't know what the fuck you guys are doing, all your real talent has always come under your farm system, I don't know

why the hell, I don't know, whatever man, whatever, you're the fucking Yankees, everything you do has got to be fucking bigger than life, you know, you're doing everything but concentrating on winning the games, I don't know, whatever, the fuck am I trying to help them for, alright, here we go, now just to be fair, you know, I try to be fair and balanced on here, just like Fox News, here's one trash in the Red Sox, Bill, is that Fenway? During last year's ALCS Game 7, I got caught up in the excitement and mumbled a few lines of Neil Diamond, by the time I got to the bump bump bump part, I realized how faggy it was, then I was thinking the only reason men at the park allow this shit to go on is

because it's cool to hear 35,000 people yell something in unison, but I wish we had a better song to sing, anything, anything's better than that song, oh I'm sorry, I wish they had a better song to sing at any Boston sporting event, he said British soccer teams have songs they sing, the crowd really gets into it and it sounds fucking awesome, in America we have Gary Glitter and Neil Diamond, men who have strange interests in young children, Neil Diamond's like that, I know Gary Glitter was like that, dude I have to totally agree with you, even if you're not into soccer, if anything will get you into soccer, if you watch that British Premier League, it's fucking awesome, and their fans are this shit, and they're

singing songs, the whole fucking game, it's insane, even if you go to a bar around here and you see them all show up with their fucking Arnold Horschach scarves all the way down to the fucking floor, I really respect that stuff, I do want to go to a game if I ever fucking get over there, where are we going here anyways, he said the Europeans can sing a song and vibrate the steel that's holding up the building, what do we do is get excited and we do the fucking wave when it goes around the bleachers, what's better, I guess this is his question, what's better being the asshole who says fuck you to the wave, I'm not getting up for this bullshit, or the assholes who stand up and yell, that's what you yell too by the way,

hey what it goes around, and he asked to all the ballparks, do the waves, do they still do it anymore, you know what, I don't know, but I haven't gotten up for the wave, the only time I've gotten up to do the wave in recent years was to just sort of like make somebody sitting next to me laugh, and then I usually yell something obnoxious, like I'll go hey and I still stay standing up as everybody sits down, I'm like hey, it never gets old, you know, just something cunty, makes me laugh, but yeah, the other wave is over, I don't know, this guy makes a bunch of good points and I don't feel like I'm making any right now, so why don't I finish reading his fucking email, he goes the trouble is I think we're

too stupid to actually remember a whole song, we need things chopped up into three or four syllable parts for the crowd, like with Sweet Caroline or that song about shipping up to Boston, I think the longest chant in Boston, longest chant of crowd in Boston can sing together is that na na na na hey hey hey, goodbye song, yeah that's shipping up to Boston, I never understood why people like that song, hey, I lost my leg and I'm shipping up to Boston, alright, well you know, I have a good time doing that, I don't know, just sounds like some psycho in a bar, you know what I mean, like he's never really dealt with the pain of losing an appendage, is that the word, losing a limb, what's an appendage, a

digits of finger, is an appendage also a limb, I have no idea, you know what, I just got to feel the Bruins score, because their ability to always answer back and rise to the occasion, what do we got here, the Montreal fans looking very stoic, very stoic, Bruins looking how they always look, Ernest, they're going down the bench, ever so slowly, it's still one to nothing, 246 left, okay, they settled down, alright, we're going to get them, we're going to get these motherfuckers, oh also by the way, I've been blogging for the Bruins, or at least I've been trying to blog for the Bruins, most of the stuff that I say, they sort of edit out, which I understand, I wrote a whole long blog about how Montreal fans

come down and they wear their jerseys, and I don't understand why they're not getting tossed out into the ice, you know, you never used to be able to, I mean it's not that they're just wearing their jerseys, because you know, you want to wear your jersey, I don't give a fuck, when you score a goal and you start holding your jersey out, taunting other fans around you, you know, I guess technically nobody deserves to get the shit kicked out of them, but there's things that you do where at some point, you know, you have a responsibility for your body, you know, if there's sharks in the water, you don't fucking slit your wrist and jump into the water, you know, that classic example that I always end up using,

you know, you don't walk through Central Park dressed like Liberace at two in the morning singing out in the money, okay, if you get mugged, yeah, you feel bad for you, but it's like, dude, what the fuck are you doing, so these fucking idiots, they're holding up their jerseys and they're taunting people, and you know, I was just sort of questioning how come there wasn't at least a, I mean how much does a hot dog to the head hurt, I mean it hurts your fucking feelings, but it doesn't hurt, right, so the accidental spillage of beer from 20 rows back, so they edited all that's part out, but they did keep the part where I said Bob Ganey looks like he works for the Federal Reserve, they did keep that

part in, so I'm learning my parameters, anyways, here's some quick annoying things that the same guy had about sports, great, great email by the way, he says, there's something annoying about sports, the t-shirt rocket launcher at basketball games, yes, that is definitely annoying, you know what's, I don't know what's more annoying is the silly little skip that those guys do, as they try to get the crowd going, I don't know if that's more annoying or the fact that people lose their fucking mind over winning a free $8 t-shirt, which probably cost them 50 cents to make, and a sweatshop in fucking Malaysia, you know what I mean, it's like have some fucking dignity, people are reaching out, fucking kids are

sitting there watching, it's ridiculous, anyways, alright the next one, Anne is another one that's annoying, he said, do they really need to throw a bag of peanuts 20 rows away, you still have to walk over and get the money, don't you, actually no, they throw the peanuts and then you pass them down, I kind of like that, I like when they throw the peanuts, but I understand why you think it's annoying, you know what would be great is if you fucking swatted it halfway through and you hit it off the back of some old guy's head, you know, that would be great, be even better if he was actually an old time baseball player, somebody, a treasure of the MLB, that would just add to the comedy, oh this is a classic one that

he finds annoying, he says, right after Tiger Woods has a tee shot, the guy who yells, get in the hole, you know, and he writes, shut the fuck up asshole, it's a par five, it's not going in the hole, yeah I really hate when people do that, I'm new to watching the sport of golf and if you listened to my podcast last week, I don't think I'm ever going to watch it again, because I really like Kenny Perry and just watching him fucking choke in front of his whole fucking family, man this shit was brutal, and here's another thing he says, sports victory riots should be stopped too, yeah that gets, I've never understood that and I really want to make fun of the Montreal Canadian fans for having that, but

the Red Sox got a little out of control after beating the Yankees one time and somebody ended up dying, it was really fucking bad, so yeah, I don't know how that happens, how your team wins and then like you hate your wife and your job and you got beat up every day as a child, so somehow, it's alcohol, the joy suddenly then eventually turns into rage, the next thing you know, you and eight other formerly abused children are tipping over a fucking yougo and lighting it on fire, yeah I don't understand that, alright so here we go, here's the next topic for this week, I'm already up to 35 minutes, so I really gotta get moving here, music, the worst and people doing the top three worst songs of

all time, counting down from three to one, this guy says number three, Lenny Kravitz's American Woman, that's a good one, that's a really good pick, I think you know why you don't like it either, because it's not a bad song but it's just, he didn't do anything to it and he just had all this extra fucking energy and excitement about like, I don't know, it was weird, I don't know, it's kinda like when I watch Bruce Springsteen, he slides across the stage on his knees and it's just like, I'm glad you're having a good time because I'm really not feeling it, alright number two, Blind Melons No Rain, yeah it's kinda hard to hate on those guys because that guy accidentally overdosed and he had a kid but

if he lived, I think he'd be really annoying, you know, he did that stupid sort of weird shake-in when he sang, that sort of contrived him, I'm crazy that that lead singer from the Vines did and Eddie Vedder used to do way back in the day when he rolled his eyes up into his head and I was supposed to actually believe that he was going into a trance rather than trying to be artistic on purpose, alright Jesus Christ Bill, you know what's funny, I never liked that album, Pearl Jam's album 10, I never got into it, I never bought those guys and over the years they've worn me down, I think I like the Vitalogy album on. Bill you know what, no one really gives a fuck what you like, what do you think about that?

Alright, here's another guy's list of bad, oh I said I didn't even get to number one, number one he said was Van Halen's Jump, okay, really, I mean yeah that was kinda lame for Van Halen, you know what the worst part of that video was, was when they did the keyboard breakdown and David Lee Roth mined playing keyboards, the only thing that saved that video is you could tell that they were all just completely absolutely fucking blind drunk and that's what has always saved Van Halen, aside from that they're fucking one of the, you know, you gotta stand, those guys came out when Disco was at that height so you gotta respect that shit and this guy also added his three top favorites, Judas Priest, Desert

Plains, is there any other old fucking metalhead out there that remembers that one? Huh? Let me see, I got it right here, you remember this song? Come on. Huh, you remember that? That's back when nobody knew Rob Halford was gay, right here. Oh yeah, and then you'd be like, yeah this guy rocks and then you always get a hint that he was gay when he would start singing like this, when he was, you're like, yeah jeez fucking awesome man, this guy rocks, this guy's the man, you know what I'm saying? Okay, that was kinda weird, fuck that, I don't give a shit what he's doing man, I think Rob Halfords, he's still the shit, you know, and honestly, I wonder if it was people's

problem with gay people anyways. You know, I really don't see the problem, I'll tell you something, I really learned the advantage of staying single and not having any children, this is the advantage is you end up having the disposable income of a gay man and you still get pussy, huh? So why don't you think about that, anybody in their 20s thinking about getting married, I might tell you it's lonely, it's definitely fucking lonely to hold out as long as I did before I started to commit to a relationship, but I'm telling you man, I'm telling you, you know what I mean? It's like I quit playing drums, went into the fucking real world, got out of the real world, was able to become a comedian, didn't get married

and was able to start playing drums again, like I was 14 again, because I never got married, because I never had any kids, I'm telling you, and I know there's people out there who are married, especially women will be like, what I wouldn't mind if all of a sudden my husband started playing the drums? Yes you would, you would, you would, you would feel threatened, the same way I would feel threatened if all of a sudden you got in shape and you started wearing little skimpy outfits to work, I'd start getting threatened, that's what happens when people love each other, they love them so much that they fucking suffocate them and they end up presenting each other, and then you want to leave but you can't

because you've got a couple little midgets running around that half look like the both of you, and then you're fucked, and then you're fucked. Alright, number two, he said Black Sabbath's Hard Road and his number one favorite song of all time is Ronnie James Dio Last in Line, Jesus Christ, you've got to be watching that metal show with Jim Florentine, which is a great fucking show by the way, I don't know if you guys watch that, and aside from the fact that Florentine's great on it, Eddie Trunk, those guys are fucking great, but I just love when they pan to the crowd and you just see all those old metal heads, it's just one of my favorites, I don't know, that's when I grew up, it makes me

nostalgic, so anyways, Bill, here's six songs that annoy the fuck out of me, I like this guy, he gets right down to it. Story of a girl by nine days, I'm too old to even know what that is, tomorrow, oh, tomorrow from the musical Annie, you know what, if there was more people here I would have just stopped the podcast right now and given you an applause break, yeah that song is really, that's really horrific, and just the way it keeps building and keeps building and it gives all those losers in the crowd hope that their life isn't gonna suck, you know, I don't like that song because it gives people false hope and then also rewards procrastination, tomorrow, tomorrow, yeah, yeah that's when

you should get to it, yep, that's when you should get to it, that's why you're always a day away, isn't that clever, you know, why don't you fucking do it, how about today, today, get your fucking shit together, I wish I could sing, I could really make this shit funny, alright, his number three worst song ever, Bop by Hanson, yeah, that's definitely annoying hook, but you gotta give it up, that dude could actually sing, he could sing as opposed to a lot of those boy bands, Barbie Girl by Aqua, I don't know any of this shit, what if God was one of us by Joan Osborne, that's classic, that's a classic, horrific song, it just causes the mainstream to sort of stop and scratch their head and think,

like they think like that's a deep fucking song because they're too busy going to TGI Fridays, you know what I'm saying, and if they're not playing some fucking mindless tune in the background, all of a sudden this thing makes it through to pop radio and then that, you know, that's the only time they stop and think, because if they did stop and ah, fuck it, I'm not gonna fucking do that, that's gonna hurt too many people if I say that, alright, number one, Ironic by Alanis Morissette, you know what annoys me about that song, is not when she says, isn't it ironic, it's when she says, don't you think, I hate when people say that, I hate when they make a point and they go, don't you think,

because they always kind of cock their head to the side like a confused dog, well I don't know Alanis, you fucking wrote the song, you know, why don't you tell me what you think, you need me to agree with you, don't get fucking codependent in the middle of your song, I'm fucking listening to your music because I'm a loser, I'm trying to fill the void, don't try to fill the void with me, Jesus Christ, alright, let's get to overrated, underrated, overrated, local sports announcers, I live near Detroit so I get Fox Sports Detroit on cable here and the Pistons basketball game commenting duo is just brutal, I can't recall the white guy's name but his little quips and phrases that trademark his broadcast make

me want to punch him in the throat, it seems like they try too hard to make a name for themselves that it ruins the viewers experience so I don't watch the Pistons games anymore, I actually like the local announcers but it definitely can go, it can kind of go one way or the other, you know what's funny about the local announcers, you usually have the nerdy guy from broadcast school and then you have the former jock who's just there because he's got a championship ring and they're not always great, like Nick fans, I know you love Walt fucking Frazier but come on, you know, oh and Patrick you ain't that weird fucking high pitch voice that he has, he sounds like he's high on something and it really took all his

cool away, when you look at that guy, you know, for you youngsters out there, go Google Walt Frazier and just hit images and you, you know, basically I think the Beastie Boys when they did Paul's boutique, they said they were trying to look like the nicks, the 1972 nicks when they were on the road and I think he was like, I'm serious man, they just all like that super fly shit and just to hear that guy talk and hear the way he sounds really took away a lot of his coolness and also the Boston Celtics when they had Bob Coosie, I don't know if they still do, I haven't lived there since 95, you know, I love Bob Coosie but Jesus Christ, one of my favorite things that he ever said was there was a guy who

played on the Utah Jazz, this is a really beefy and butt head moment but they had a guy in the Utah Jazz called Mark Eaton and I don't understand the logistics of a lot of basketball but somehow Kevin McHale did something and Mark Eaton was guarding him and Bob Coosie literally said, McHale gets eaten out and there was like a half second pause in the living room where I was watching it and we all fucking died laughing and that was the day before T-Vote so you couldn't rewind it and listen to it and put it up on fucking T-Vote or whatever, YouTube so I'm sure he said McHale got eaten out man, right on TV and we thought it was hilarious because we were young, was that one of those stories where

you had to be there, I don't know, I was so busy trying to remember the names of those fucking guys, I really, you know, momentum is a big thing with stories and I really don't think I had any there. Alright, let's move on here, underrated, John Madden after retiring, I really don't feel he got his due from younger people, they seem to, they see him as a big dumb football guy with annoying voice in a football video game but he did a lot for the game of football itself coaching and commentating, yeah, he's one of the, that's really the end of an error man, I was really sad when I found out about that and I loved him because he never

got caught up in that whole being silly, like I've noticed Bob costs this, he never used to try to be funny and then all of a sudden once all those ESPN guys started dropping all their references to movies, then he started to try to be funny and I just, I don't know, I liked how John Madden never tried that and one of my favorite things is when John Madden, when ESPN got like the Monday Night Football sort of, there's so many channels now, I don't even know what fucking channel Monday Night Football is on but I know ESPN somehow, oh that's right, they have it because Tony Kornheiser does it now, yeah they had it so somehow John Madden is on ESPN and he's talking to those hip younger guys and he's just totally,

he was almost like watching like a real comedian talking to like one of those catchphrase silly hat wearing comics, you know what I mean, who just made it on a gimmick and I don't know, I'm gonna miss that dude man, that was one of the classics, John Madden and what's his face, Pat Summerall, any old school football fans out there, was it anything better than fucking Pat Summerall doing a Cowboys game, when you say like Preston Pearson and Billy Joe Dupree and all those fucking great names, alright listen this podcast is at 48 minutes, I have a hockey game I have to go watch and I don't have time for the revenge stories this week, okay you fucks, I'll read one of them really quickly but the guys came back very

strongly and some of these, I mean I'm starting to believe people are just making these up just to get them on here because this one here is like, let me ask you guys a question, do you think that this thing is, that this is true, alright, Bill I think I have a revenge story that you'd like, back when I was in the 7th grade about 12 years ago there was this kid who used to bother the shit out of me every day, day in and day out, the problem was that I couldn't fight him because he would have easily beat the shit out of me and beat dad, the kid was huge but the kid also never did that well in school and he also had a real hard ass father, so when final exams rolled around the kid used to always bug me,

told me that he needed help with his science final and I guess for some reason he says we were allowed to use a note card that if done right could become a cheat sheet, so I agreed to help him and made a note card for him for the exam, a note card that was full of bullshit, the kid ended up getting like a 14 on the test, ended up failing the class for a year which led him to be left back, which here's where the best part came in, his hard ass father decided that public school education wasn't tough enough so he sent him to military school the next year, I never saw the kid again but a few years ago I heard he eventually became a reckless cokehead who actually did a few months in jail after getting three DWIs,

what do you think? Was it fucked up what I did? That's why I don't think it's real, why would you say do you think it's fucked up what you did? That you sent him off on a road that kind of ruined his life? Cause that's the way that reads. I guess he could have gone to military school and gotten his shit together. Dude, did you really get that bad? Is this a fantasy? I'm just asking, I'm not trying to be a dick because that's fucking hardcore. I would feel horrible if I did something like that to somebody. I think it's funny as hell that you gave him a note card with a bunch of shit on it and he ended up getting a 14.

A 14 for a grade is fucking hilarious. I used to get that on math tests. I hated getting like 58s, that was depressing, or 56, that was depressing. That just meant you were going to summer school but when you got like a 12, it was so bad you couldn't even get upset. All I had to do, remember I was just holding it up to my buddy and he would see it and he would just start laughing and then I would start laughing and it just made me feel good, which is why I became a comedian. That's how it happens, getting 12s on math tests. Evidently, I'm not going to be a scientist. Alright, let's go, let's go. Now I'm fucking waist deep here in these revenge things. I'll read one more.

Bill, can't let the women be the only ones that come off like they're absolutely evil while not fucking with the car. This might be a prank because no one really knows it happened, but it could also be considered revenge. Oh, this is a good one. I like what this guy did. He said recently I started talking to someone I go to high school with again. I haven't talked to this asshole in almost 10 years and I'm almost 39 now. Is this the one I wanted to read? Well, I'm going to read it now. Oh, this is good too. I thought it was another one.

Alright, the last time I spoke to him was a few years after high school and I built him a computer that should have cost around 400 bucks, but I was being a nice guy so I sold it to him for $100. It was his first computer and he fucked up the Window 98s and he called me up in a drunken rage one night telling me I ripped him off and I was an asshole. That was when I knew I was going to get my revenge. Flash forward to five years from then. My roommate, this guy and his wife at the time went out drinking. This was the first time I had this guy in my house since then and I wasn't even awake.

I don't get that sentence anyways. Not only did he walk into my room twice looking for the bathroom. Oh, I get it. You're sleeping in this same asshole from five years before it comes home. He's drunk. He comes walking into your bedroom twice looking for the bathroom. But he says, but when I woke up I saw my bathroom in disbelief. My bathroom sink was filled with puke and the only way I could describe this part is it was almost like he took a shower outside of the shower. The whole room was completely covered in water. Even the carpet outside the bathroom was soaked and had that squishy thing when you stepped on it.

Flash forward another five years. This old friend messaged me out of the blue on my space. I had malice in my mind. I had nothing malicious in my mind at the time, but he passed out on a couch, I guess, at your friend's house after a long night of drinking. He's like, I knew I had to do something and this picture should explain it all. All right, and then you know what he sent me a picture of? This kid took a shit on a plastic plate and just set it next to this kid's nose as he slept for the rest of the night. He said, at least I didn't fuck with somebody's car.

It's kind of funny and it actually shows some sort of restraint that you didn't mush it into his face. But dude, please don't send me pictures of your revenge, man. I'm not into scat film and shit like that. That was pretty fucking nasty. Now that one I definitely know is true, or they went a long way to fucking fake that one. Here's the last one I'm going to read. Bill, I don't know if this is revenge, but I kind of think I taught somebody a lesson. I'm good with computers and if you like the screenshot story from last week, you'll like this one.

Many years ago, I worked at a company that handled staffing for hospitals. When I was there, I worked with a guy who was the vice president and he was a royal pain in the ass. Oh, this is a good one. This guy sounds like right out of office space. He goes every morning, he would come into the office and go to his computer and play a stupid rap song from his computer and turn up the speaker so you could hear it throughout the whole office. He would stand outside his office door and bounce around thinking that he was pumping everyone up for the work day when in reality he was just annoying everyone in the entire office. He was a white guy in a suit trying to act like he grew up in the hood.

It was ridiculous. I asked him on several mornings to stop playing that shit and then it was annoying everyone in the office. But he said that he thought that it helped and he thought that people liked it so he would do whatever he wanted and told me tough shit. Alright, take notes now because you are going to like this one and I recommend this trick to everyone. One morning I went to his office early and went to his computer to teach him a lesson. Now, all the icons on your desktop point to a directory in your computer. Though it may say DMX on the icon, you can point it to any file you want.

I added a sound byte of that stupid song Rock Me Amadeus. Rock Me Amadeus that played just the girl screaming ooh ah. I don't know the song that was. Amadeus, Amadeus, Rock Me, Amadeus. I don't know the ooh ah part but I guess if you know the song he put it to just that part and he goes in and I set the sound to a loop so it just played that over and over and over again. I then pointed his DMX song file to this file and waited. Oh yeah, I also made it that the song did not start for a good seven seconds.

I went back to my office and I waited. He came in an hour later and just like clockwork he went into his computer in his office and he turned his speakers up, clicked on the icon that he thought was DMX. I made it have a seven second delay so he would be able to get all the way to the door and not be at his desk when it started. He goes, it played just like a porno screaming over and over again and just like a nine year old that did something wrong he was running back to his desk trying to click on the song to stop it from playing.

The damage was done. He never played another song throughout the office again. You know what dude, I think you did it right. I totally, that's a good one because you didn't really hurt the guy. You just fucking embarrassed him. You made the point and you probably had a pretty good idea who did it and he also really sent the point that he was annoying everybody. One to one, one to one, Bruins Canadians.

What did I say in the beginning? I said that they've answered back the entire fucking year. Just answered back the entire fucking year. God damn it, you know. I think this is going to be a great period though coming up, you know. I know I'm trash and Montreal Canadians but like I totally respect that team and I think you know that hopefully they'll beat the Canadians but then you know the Canadians keep getting better or whatever

and we can get this whole Bruins Canadians thing going on again because it's been a while since they've both been good at the same time, you know. It was the early 90s when the Canadians sucked and the Bruins would always beat them and then we sucked and the Canadians kind of sucked throughout the late 90s but it's kind of gotten going again. But anyways, oh my god, 57 fucking minutes. I'll never do this again while trying to watch a game. So I want to thank you guys everybody for listening.

I'm going to upload this motherfucker and please come out and see me at the Columbus Funny Bone this week or see me at Caroline's in New York City the following week and this week I'm going to be adding a Los Angeles date at the Improv on Melrose and I should have the date up in the next couple of days so please look for that. And if you live in LA please come down and see me because I'm going to be doing a lot of time with a bunch of new jokes, alright? That's it. Everybody have a good week. Bye man, take it easy.

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