Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-21-16

Episode Date: April 21, 2016

Bill rambles about Hot Sauce Hillary, the sciatic nerve and Germany.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. I'm officially out of ways to say that. There's a hole in the wall in this fucking room. These guys fixed the pipes because there was galvanized piping in here and I never

got this hole fixed. Just fucking realized that. That's how fucked up my house is. You know what I realized? I talk about my house so much that there's somebody sitting there going like, eventually he's going to run out of money probably right when the house is 98% fixed and I'm going to swoop in and buy it and he's gone in and redone everything, redid everything. Speaking of which, I got the epoxy floor put in on my gym.

I went downstairs to look at it. I was like, oh boy, oh boy, would you look at that floor you can eat off of? Oh boy, oh boy, and I went in there, boom, boom, boom, boom, it was bubbles. So they got to add another layer because you know, my floor is not level, it's all this fucking shit. We've got to float the floor. That's going to cost you all this money, maybe we just fill in the cracks. The grand out the window, I don't even care anymore.

I just laughed now when contractors come up to me, I, well, what do you want? What do you want? It's like that old Robin Williams story that if you just walked up to him at some point, you said, Hey man, Robin, I'm a comedian. He would just write you a check for a hundred bucks. Hey, sorry, sorry if I rift on some of your shit. My apologies. This is what I do now when contractors show up.

Yeah, what? Yeah, I know. Well, how much this time? Can I just go into my pocket or do I need the checkbook? Do I got to write numbers on a piece of paper? Just never ends. It never ends. And meanwhile, meanwhile, as I wait for the gym to be made, I am sitting in the writer's

room doing efforts for family and two things have happened. I'm putting on writer's room wait. My gym isn't fucking made and, you know, I'm fucking, I feel like the last, I don't know if I'm talking to you guys about my fucking left leg, my hamstrings like tightened up, you know, you ever see the guy run down the first baseline and all of a sudden, hey, hey, he starts fucking hopping or that guy in the Celtics in game one, you're running up the court and he just fucking collapses. I was like, oh, did I, did I literally pull a hamstring doing standup?

Because God knows I haven't been working out and, um, and you know what, I ended up figuring it out. What it was is it's from sitting down in the fucking writer's room, like, I guess sitting is not healthy. It's one of the most unhealthy things you could do. I guess your body's not designed the way that we sit, the way that we've made chairs. Just plop your ass down, whatever it is, blood flow. I don't know what the fuck it is.

So all fucking Billy butt cheeks here. Now I got a problem with my fucking sciatic nerve on my left side. So I literally had to have my lovely wife buy one of those foam rollers, right? This is how old I am. It's from sitting. All right. And you literally, I looked up some lady on the fucking internet who had like, I looked up the proper way to do it before I did it because I know that you can fuck your body

up. Like people get these things and they just start rolling around on them and I immediately learned first thing, you don't want to roll over joints. There's all this shit and there's all this proper form. So I went through about two or three videos till I got to somebody who all the comments were like, oh my God, your form is perfect and all that. So I was, I was watching this woman. So basically what I do is I sit down on the thing and then cross my legs as she says cowboy

style, not lady like cowboy style, which is basically like if I was wearing a skirt, my balls would be hanging out, right? Sorry for the visual. You sit like that and then you sort of put your weight on one side and you, and I got to tell you, dude, the fucking pain that I was in, it isn't like a, uh, it, it isn't like a, like a severe pain. It was like, if you had an older brother and you know, when he would be fucking with you and I sort of start twisting your arm, you'd be like, ah, like that, that type of a fucking

pain. And, um, I got to tell you, the, the foam roller is a goddamn game changer, but if I didn't have to go in, but the thing is I kind of work it out and it's fine. Hey, you work it out, you know, but then I go and I, I'm in a writer's room all day. So I keep trying to stand up in that type of shit and I'm feeling like it's two steps forward and one step back, but I'm at least moving in the right direction. So I just putting that out there. If you do, um, have any of those types of problems, uh, get one of those, this has been working

for me, I should say, I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on TV, but this has been working for me. And if you're young, uh, I would start doing yoga as soon as you can. It's, um, I'm telling you, I, I've known this forever, but I just get bored with shit. I'll do yoga and be like, I'm just gonna do yoga like every fucking day and then I just get burned out. And then I'm like, you know what? Fuck yoga.

You know, I get mad at yoga rather than myself for being totally fucking obsessed with shit for like 10 days until I just, you know, I did that with Chipotle a long time ago when I lived in New York city, you know, if you ever moved to New York city, which I hope you do, everybody should try and fucking live there. It's great, you know, until you get into your thirties and it's like, oh, am I going to be one of those cat people? I got to get out of here. Right.

I want some space. You know, um, but when you live there, you know, you start ordering out, this is how it works. You move there, you're fucking terrified like how the fuck am I going to afford to live here and you fucking eat spaghetti every fucking night. Right. And then you start making a little more money and every once in a while you take a cab and you're like, oh my God, I'm taking a cab.

This is fucking amazing. And then you get back to your apartment and you have all this guilt because you blew all that money and you could have just spent, you know, whatever the fuck it was back in the day was like a dollar 25 to take the subway. Yeah, I know. That's how old I am. And then you start making a little more money than all of a sudden you start ordering out. Right.

You start to get to know all the restaurants and all that type of shit. And then once you have the money to order out, what immediately happens is it's just a radius within which that they'll deliver and you burn out every fucking restaurant around you. And then you become, then you're officially a New Yorker when you're living in Manhattan and you're bitching that there's no good restaurants in your neighborhood. Um, there's no good Italian, you can't get good Italian. I don't know why.

I mean, there's so many people here. The foot traffic alone. Why don't they put in an Italian fucking restaurant? You start flipping out like whatever your favorite food is, you're bitching that it's not there. Um, so whatever. So this Chipotle ends up opening up after I tried every fucking restaurant 15 times at my little fucking three block radius.

And I went to that fucking thing. Like I swear to God, I went there like, I don't know, maybe 11 days in a month and I'll never forget how I felt that last time. I felt like I was at the end of like a food eating contest where you were just telling your jaw to keep moving up and down where the rest of your body was like, uh, can we just, uh, puke now? And um, I don't think I've ever, I don't think I've been there since Chipotle and Thai food. It was a Thai food restaurant down the street.

And I remember I ordered it and it was delicious. And then it sat in my fridge for two, three days and I said, Hey, you know what I think I do? I'll do. I'm going to eat that three day old Thai food. See how that does. And I got food poisoning and, um, rather than being the mature person and taking the responsibility on my end, I blame Thai food.

I was like, fuck Thai food. I'm never eaten Thai food again. I didn't eat that for like 10 years. And then, uh, you know, eventually we came back. We were, uh, we were able to smooth things over, you know, like guns and roses. You know what I mean? It was exact same thing. The same trajectory I had with Thai food, um, band members and guns and roses had with

Axl Rose. And now they're all back together. And evidently the fucking shows have been great. Um, they played in Mexico city the other night and, uh, I would have loved to have gone down to that, gone to that show, had a great time and get kidnapped. You know, wouldn't that be great? Mexico city scares the shit out of me. Any Mexico people, Mexicans, uh, real ones, real ones.

I don't mean the ones here in LA. I mean the real fucking deal. You're in Mexico. You know what I mean? Like I'm German Irish, but I don't live in Deutschland or fucking the, the Emerald Isle. You know what I mean? I lived in Massachusetts. Uh, I went to friendlies, you know, I'm not a crowd, right?

So let me, let, let me ask you this because it's right there. It's fucking a quick plane ride away. There's all these beautiful places to go and then there's all these other fucked up places to go. I don't know where to go. I don't know where to go. Um, and, uh, you know, all they show about you guys is the fucking drug cartels peeling people's faces back, you know, and I know there's no fucking way all of Mexico, everybody's

just walking around peeling off each other's faces. I know there's no fucking way that that's happening. I know there's, it's like here, I bet people outside of this country think everybody walks down the street with a fucking gun on their hip, you know, when they don't have money for a toll, they shoot the guy in the toll booth and then some stagecoach comes in. I don't know what the fuck they think, right? Or they think we're, and, and we're all 300 pounds and we're on fucking meth, right? We don't know where England is.

Oh, that's shit. I like that snobby European shit where they just think they're so fucking cultured. You know what I mean? With their little ass fucking countries over there, that's driving, they might go over to fucking Europe. I love when they say shit like that, you know, you guys don't know about the fucking world. It's like, neither do you. You don't know what the fuck's going on over in Asia.

You know what's going on right in your little fucking area, but your little area for me would just be the East Coast, but for you, it's like 15 different fucking countries. Belgium and fucking Luxembourg. I mean, you can walk through those two countries. You can sleepwalk through those two countries from fucking Amsterdam and end up in France and be like, well, shit, I got to go to work and then jog back. Having said that, I'd love to go to both places. Oh, the big phony cover in his fucking tracks.

I was going to go to your show in Belgium, but after you talked about how small we were, now I'm not going. Controversy on social media today when one person in Belgium took offense. So anyways, they're redoing the fucking floors again. So I end up getting bubbles. B is for bubbles. Remember that Sesame Street bubbles, bubbles, bubbles. It pays for brother who bought you something.

There was that fucking guy with the puberty voice harmonizing. I think it was supposed to sound like a beach boy type thing, but it didn't. It was just fucking used to make me like angry when I was a kid. See if I can find that for you guys and I'll start playing it. So anyways, as always, I never let myself get too out of shape and I need to drop about 10 pounds. So oh, fucking freckles here, despite the fact that Jim isn't made yet. And I got to go to work every day.

I'm going to try to lose two pounds a week. I'm back up to 180 everybody and I've been eating well the last couple of days. And always the first couple of days, the fact that if you just eat well, you drop a couple. So I got on the scale yesterday, said 177. So I must have ate like a fucking tub of shit the night before when I got on it. So I'm about 178. So I'm just going to go back down to 168. Be right around the time for my birthday and, you know, two pounds.

That's easy, right? A couple of push ups, you know, I mean, I'll go on my stupid foam roller. Oh, my God, you know, I'm so fucking old. I think I have to bring it to work. How fucking hilarious is that? I'm going to walk in with that thing at work and I'm going to walk in to a room full of comedy writers. You can understand the pounding that I'm going to fucking take.

I'm going to get that's going to actually fuck up our work for today because they're going to spend the first two hours trashing me. And what am I going to do other than fucking take it? That's it. There's nothing I can fucking do. Oh, by the way, by the ways, I'm all over the fucking map here. Did you fucking see that shameless fucking Hillary Clinton? Trying to pander to get the African American vote.

She's on some radio show. I just watched the clip. I had to shut it off. Forgive me. I don't know what radio show it is, but she's sitting there. She goes and she's trying to get the black vote and she they ask you, what's something you always carry around with you? And she said, hot sauce.

What a fuck they the Clintons are the fucking I swear to God. Can't you just see both of them on a used car lot doing one of those cheesy local commercials to they are the fucking devil. I remember when Hillary Clinton ran for fucking Senate after eight years of being in the White House, the fucking Yankees had won four World Series. She never showed up, never said a fucking thing. And then all of a sudden she's running for fucking Senate in New York shows up with a brand new Yankee hat.

And goes, I've always been a Yankee fan at this big grin like I said it. Now they're going to like me. This is how out of touch she is. She literally thinks that she just has to say, I carry around hot sauce. And all black people are going to be like, oh, oh, shit. Oh, I can relate to that. What's she going to do next? She going to go to fucking Chinatown?

What's I always carry around soy sauce? You go down south, you know, I love guns and my cousins. Sorry, sorry, I should have said that. Hot rods, I've always liked hot rods, fucking shameless. This is the thing about like when you're at her level of fucking wealth, which is really I don't know how you explain it, you know, when her husband, you know, had the highest office in public office and you only is president. You only make four, five hundred grand a year.

Somehow they threw their daughter a three million dollar wedding. I mean, how does the math work there? They had the fucking, she is the fucking devil. I'm telling you, you know, oh my God, what a fucking selection this year. Can you fucking believe this shit? A reality show star. You know, who's sitting there with that fucking, I don't know what the other guy's name is, they're talking about the size of their hands.

They haven't had the size of your dick debate running for office. You got Hillary, you fucking write it, I'll say it, she doesn't give a fuck. This is what I gotta be honest with you. Why I like Republicans better than Democrats because Republicans at least have the decency to just sort of openly show you that they don't give a fuck about you. And Democrats, they actually try to act like they give a fuck about people who work for a fucking living. They don't.

They're the same fucking people. They just lie about it. You know, I swear to God, if Bernie Sanders would just fucking go the whole way. You know what I mean? Don't stop and cool. Wait, you got to go all the way to Baghdad with these fucking bankers. Okay, that's what you got to do. You got to tip over the statue and you got to have all those top level bankers

swinging at the end of a rope. That's the only way to see. You got to start over again. That's my candidate. None of them are saying that. So it's over. And I know you're thinking, Bill, you don't know shit and you read conspiracy theory. And you know what I say to that?

You're absolutely right. Okay, all right, let's move on. That was that was that was political comedy right there. If you if you're wondering what that was supposed to be. She goes to little Italy. What do you always have in your purse? A jar of marinara sauce. Who's your favorite singer?

Dean Martin. Oh my God, did you see the host? She looked like she rolled her eyes. She looked like she rolled her eyes. Did you see the host? She looked like she rolled her eyes. I don't want to put like shit on her that that's what she fucking did. That's how out of touch she is.

Hillary Clinton thinks all black people walk around with hot sauce in their purse because white people don't know how to season food. I'm not saying there aren't some black people to do that. You know what I mean? But you know, that would also be people who aren't white who look at white people and think we're all in the upper one percent standing on a yacht shooting the shit with one of the Kennedys. And they're fucking weird inbred inbred dentition.

I never understood the Kennedys. They're from like the nose up. They're really good looking people. Great hair, you know, nice fucking big five head. You know, looks great on TV. Decent eyes, you know, and then you just get to that. You get to those those. I mean, he was kidding.

Oh, they look like from the nose down. They look like Clint Howard. I don't know what it is. There's something going on with that family. You can't. You know, what it is, is they still look ethnic. If you look at if you look at like like white people from like, like, look at Joe DiMaggio, you know, he's probably considered a good looking guy.

That guy is fucking like. I don't know what happened. Once everybody got all mixed up, like all the fucking nationals got mixed up, like, you know, started streamlining the looks and people are way better looking now, don't you think? Then when you look back in the day, I mean, Jesus Christ, Babe Ruth, everyone's Lou Gehrig was a good looking guy, you know what I mean? But Babe Ruth, that guy was a mess, Joe DiMaggio, mess.

I guess they weren't all bad looking. I don't know. I'm just saying, when you look at the shit back then, like an Italian guy looked a hundred percent fucking Italian, you know, something when I went to Italy, they were better looking than back then. I don't know what the fuck it was. We allegedly had better food back then. People were shorter.

I don't know what it was. You never noticed that when you look back and when you really look at those old pictures, I love looking at old pictures and it's like that George Carlin bit when you look at an old picture and you're like, everybody in that picture is dead and for some reason in a morbid way, it's like fascinating. When I look at those old pictures, I just, that's what I think. Like, God damn it, there was some fucking ugly ass people. You know, and you know, as a game changer was three things.

Polio, vaccine, penicillin and braces. Those three fucking things could just hide so many fucking imperfections. You know what I mean? I want you to get braces. Jesus Christ, if you just brush your fucking teeth and remotely keep yourself in shape, you know, you throw on some nice clothes. People have no idea where you came from, you know, back in the day, people, they saw it on your teeth, told the whole fucking story.

You'd smile and be like, I can see you're going to have tuberculosis. You live in a damp, dang fucking apartment with no fucking windows. You saw it in their fucking teeth, right? I don't know, but I heard what's his face. J.P. Morgan had like rosacea though. Is that how you say it? They had it all over his face.

He was just all fucking angry. Those old school rich guys, you know, used to walk around with top hats, like the penguin walking down the street. Um, is this a podcast anymore? I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. Let me, let me do some advertising here and then I'll, uh, I'll get to more babbling here in a moment. All right.

Hot sauce. Oh, shameless, fucking shameless. She looks inbred. Her fucking teeth. There's something going on with her and there's something going with you. See how Bill Clinton claps now? It's like he's a, like a marionette puppet. He has his mouth open.

Uh, uh, that's how he made it with that smile and with his mouth open. Oh, I'm going to fix it. I'm going to fix everything. How you doing? Call me later. Oh, um, all right. On it, everybody on it, this company, the great Joe Rogan. This is his company here.

Speaking of getting into shape, a lot of people when they get in shape, what do they do? They do sit ups, right? They do fucking, they do, uh, pull ups. They do push ups. They do all the upper body stuff and they walk around with their fucking chicken legs, but still you're always working on the outside of your body. What about the inside man?

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Oh, simply mix a stick. Oh my God, I need this shit. You know what I should do? I should start taking this shit and then you can hear how much better I read the copy that you guys would fast forward to it through it, because there would be no reason to listen to me fucking this up. Simply mix a stick packet of alpha brain instant into a water bottle and start feeling the effects immediately.

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I think I got to do that. I'm worried that that would fuck up everything that makes me funny. You know, I mean, who's kidding who? Most of the reason why you laugh makes them a fucking dope. But what if I just take it? I'm smart for a few weeks and then you guys see that it works and then I just stop taking it and I go back to being stupid again. Then you guys could send me emails like, Hey, Bill, remember when you were fucking

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Let's go back to here. Um, the fucking, how about the St. Louis Blues meet me in St. Louis, Louis meet me at the fair. Um, I miss game three. I was convinced that, uh, once they blew game two, that that was fucking it. Um, but I was actually able to watch game four. And, um, I went, I actually turned it on mid second, mid second period.

And, um, I gotta tell you, these are not your fucking dad's St. Louis Blues. You know, they were down, they came back, they went ahead. They did just, they just, it's actually watching Chicago losing their composure. Chicago trying to draw them into fights and stuff like that. It's unbelievable. Now I'm not counting. I kind of am counting Chicago out.

I don't think that they're going to come back from this one. I think, uh, St. Louis Blues are, uh, got the right on the prize or whatever. I think they got this series and, um, just the way they're playing, just all the shit that they've, I've seen them go through all these years and never answer the bell and just fucking implode and lose the fucking series. They're, this team does not do that. And, uh, it's fucking great to see, but it's also great watching the Blackhawks too.

Like, you know what I love about them? As you can see, like they're, they're, um, you know, like Patrick Kane, and you can just see the guy gives a fuck. That's the, you can win one championship and then be like, yeah, you know, fucking whatever, but the guys who give a fuck and they want to win as many as they can, he can't put a price on those guys. So as much as it's kind of bizarre watching Chicago being down three to one after their success over the last five, six years.

Um, watching how much they give a fuck. Who was that? I mean, I'm so bad with the names now. I'm so out of the fucking loop. Who's the guy, uh, not Patrick Sharp, you get fucking traded. Who was the guy who was fucking cross-checking everybody at the end of the game and everybody said, go, that guy's a dirty piece of shit. It's like, no, he isn't.

He gives a fuck. He gives a fuck, you know, going into the penalty box. He's fucking screaming at people, dropping the F bomb. I loved every second of it. Um, oh man, you know what, I shouldn't even say the Blackhawks are out of it because you know, the fucking Blackhawks right now are like this, no fucking way these guys are going to beat us next game. You know that that's what they're saying.

Fuck this shit. All we need to do is win this next one, get it back into our building, and then the pressure will be on them that, oh fuck, if we don't, if we don't win this one, then now we're looking at a game seven. That's how fucked up three to one is. You always think like, oh man, we're, we're sitting pretty and it's just like, no, we're not, we're not, we have to win this next game. If we lose this next game, then all of a sudden, all of the fucking pressure

is dumped on us for the next, for the rest of the series. Um, it's, I don't know, it's fucking, uh, I don't know. I actually believe it or not, as bad as I am at math, like seven game series numbers like fascinate me. Like if you go down, oh, two, like the Boston Celtics, and it's this weird thing where if you just think, look, we're just down two games to none, it doesn't seem that bad a hole to crawl out of. But when you do the math and be like, we have to win four of the remaining five

games, you're like, what the fuck, how the, how the fuck do you do that? And you know what I say? The 86 Mets because I remember that we won the first two games in New York city and I was just like, oh my God, all we got to do is win two out of the next four, they got to win four out of the next, I'm sorry, we got to win two out of the next five. That's all we had to do. All we had to do was with two out of the next five, they had to

win four out of five and they fucking did it. They came back and they won game three and four in Fenway. If I remember this correctly, the first two games, wasn't it down there? I don't, you know what? I can't remember that. I just remember we won the first two games and I want to say they came here. And then what, that would, if they were here, then we were down there. No, game six and seven were down there.

Game six certainly was and seven was. Wait, they went, how the fuck does it go? It goes home, home, away, away, home, away, home. No, maybe it was this three in a row in Boston. Maybe it was three in a row in Boston. He might have gone two, three, two. Oh God, what a shit. Oh God, what a shit.

So we won game five. We're like, finally, we had game six, one. We blew that and then we were up three, nothing. Game seven, it can be over. Just like fucking that. So I really shouldn't say this is over. All I'm saying is you got to watch game five and you watch how the fucking Blackhawks come out.

I know that they've lost a lot of guys, but they still got tapes. They still got fucking Dunkin' Key. They still got fucking the other guy and the other fucking guy. They got enough guys left that are like, we're not losing this fucking game. Blues, you know what, I think it's a must win. After me just saying this is how fucking wishy-washy I am. After I just say, I think the blues got this one. I'm not thinking like they got, they got to close them out.

They got to close them out. Jesus Christ. I hope to a new Gingrich looking coach fucking gives them that speech. Speaking of which, the Boston Celtics. I'm calling it right now, Hotland. Before you get too fucking excited, I'm going Joe Willie Namath right now. I guarantee you the Boston Celtics. You're going to go into the garden.

There's going to be all those championship banners hanging from the fucking rafters. Right. All of a sudden, you're not going to have that cool breeze blowing over your head like you feel down in your Omni Center, whatever the fuck the Hawks play. Right. From your lack of goddamn championships down there. The Boston Celtics. I am me who doesn't play hoop, who isn't a professional athlete. Who cannot read out loud is Garin fucking team.

The Boston Celtics are going to win game three. I'm calling it right fucking now. I don't understand why I have to wait till fucking Friday. I'm actually going to be on the road. Where are you going to be, Bill? I'm going to be in St. Louis, the original home of the Atlanta Hawks, the St. Louis Hawks and who beat him in 1958 for the NBA championship. The Boston Celtics.

You like that? The synergy is all going to be there. They're going back to Boston, where all those championship banners are. Oh, Billy Redface is going to be in St. Louis, the original home of the Hawks, where he beat him in 1958. And I'm telling you right now, you take all your money, you steal from your mother, you put it on the Celtics,

and I guarantee you you're going to come away a winner. And if you lose, I don't want to hear you crying to me because I take no responsibility for this. All right, you're responsible for your own fucking actions. I had the most fucked up thought. I had the most fucking fucked up thought the other night. And you have to have like a fucked up thought and then you go to Google it. And you're thinking like a bunch of people are going to agree with you.

And then you're just like, no, you know what, I'm just a fucking moron. You know that postpartum depression? You know, women have a baby and then they just fucking have this unbelievable level of depression. I, whatever, for whatever reason, was hearing a story about it. And I was listening and listening and I was thinking like, you know what? As much as that is a thing, I bet 17 percent. I don't know why I came to that number, but in my head, 17 percent of women

that get postpartum depression, they're just selfish. That's what I was thinking. Like it's a real thing for 83 percent of them, but 17 percent of them are just mad now that they have a kid and they can't go out and go do jello shots, whatever they want to. And then they're just being a bunch of fucking babies about it. That's what old, not Dr. Burr here was thinking.

And then I looked it up and there was all this fucking shit about dumb men like me that think shit like that. So, you know, what's great is I only thought that thought for about three minutes. And then I went and looked it up and I was like, oh, all right, I'm a moron. I'm a moron. I wonder if there's any male. If there's male, if male can males have that shit? They'll even bother doing studies.

They don't give a fuck about us. They just we don't we die eight years before women on average. And they nobody really cares. They why does this keep happening? They don't give a fuck. Yeah, it's a guy. You make another one. All right.

Male postpartum. Oh, my God, there is this. The facts about men's depression. Oh, give me a fucking break. You didn't go through any fucking sort of physical thing. I can't have guys over to watch the game anymore. Men's depression. Research is only beginning to understand men's unique experiences of depression.

Yeah, why? Why do you think that is? Because we're told to shut the fuck up and plow through it. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Research is lagging even further, as for PPND, whatever that is. I don't know what that is, postpartum, Notre Dame. I have no idea. In terms of depression in general, if you're a man, you're more likely

than a woman to try and hide your depression or to withdraw from others. This only worsens your system. Oh, paternal post postnatal depression. Oh, my God, you see the pictures of these fucking people. This guy's sitting there. He's clearly an actor and he's just looking down, holding us, like pinching his nose between his eyes. OK, in this picture, we want you to look depressed.

All right, you know that statue of the thinker? OK, I want you to do the same pose, but don't think I want you to pinch the top of your nose. That's it. That's it. Close your eyes. Think of something painful and all right, that's it. Here's 50 bucks. Go get yourself some donuts. Classic symptoms of depression, depressed, sad mood. All right, let's I'm going to take this test. Uh, depressed, sad mood.

No, I don't have that loss of interest or pleasure. I don't have that either. Significant waste loss or gain. Fuck, I'm putting on weight. I have this shit. Trouble sleeping and over sleeping. Oh, no, I thought it was the booze. Restless feeling and inability to sit still or slow down. Yeah, I definitely got that.

Fatigue, loss of energy, tired all the time. Absolutely. I thought that was because I drink every night and you only get four hours sleep, worthless or guilty feelings. Check impaired concentration and difficulty making decisions. I got half of that recurrent thoughts of death or suicide. Yep. The suicide option is always right there. Right. It's such an easy one. You're just like, you know, or I could just kill myself.

Yeah, but then, you know, what if one of the Bruins rebuild and I miss it? You know what, I think I'll stick around. All right, let me let me read a little more of this. The the advertising here. No, gracefully get the fuck out of here. I have to go to the right. All right. Oh, Jesus, but up, up, up beyond these beyond these.

You had a motherfucking kid, but do, do, do beyond these beyond these. Blew it in her. That's what you did. And now you feel bad because your fucking man cave's got a baby crib. And you want to booze every time you see that kid, no matter how much you fucking love it, you still want to booze. Thank God your fucking balls are dry. We really made it. All right, me on these, whether you're wearing a suit or sweats,

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reviews with 100% satisfaction guarantee. Make the smart choice for your businesses at legal zoom.com today. And don't forget to enter burr at checkout to save even more at legal zoom.com. There you go. All right. And you know what? That's the first half of the podcast here. And, uh, I want to thank all the African Americans who are listening to this.

And I want you to know that, um, you know, my favorite guilty pleasure is soul food. Um, any Asians listening? Um, I don't know. I, uh, I really respect mixed martial arts. I'm gonna try to appeal to everybody. Germans, I don't hold you responsible. You picked one bad guy, you know, you had a bad fucking couple of years. All of a sudden the wrong guy got in there and it happens.

Eventually it happens to every country. I mean, I think at this point, hasn't there been a mass murdering maniac ever, you know, haven't the Germans made enough unbelievable sports sedans, porches, you know, no, you don't think so. They got nice clothes though. Don't they? I don't fucking know. Anyways, I don't know what to do.

Thank you, Jeremy. I will feel you guys during the world cup. How about that? It's just funny to me. I like listening like there's something funny to me of a bunch of Germans in public, in a stadium, you know, singing along and shit. There's no, there's no way that's never not going to be creepy anymore. So there's just something hilarious about it.

So I always root for you guys to get to the later rounds, you know, and as you like when Germany, whatever they're playing like Brazil, it's impossible to not picture the ghost of fucking Adolf Hitler sitting up there hoping for a do-over and when Jesse Owens embarrassed them. And you know, you think he's not up there? Best two out of three. Um, all right, please enjoy this music and we're going to start, we're going to play some greatest hits from a Monday morning podcast gone by.

Thank you, everybody. You have a great weekend, you cunts. And once again, thank you to everybody who's been watching Effes for family. We're having a great time writing these things. And last night we had a great event with Netflix, Netflix, Keep It Weird. They did this thing. They hijacked that hippy fucking thing. Yeah, they're a corporation.

You know what I mean? They do what Hillary Clinton does, you know? What's the one thing you have on you at all times? Netflix. Oh, I always have a bag of weed in my purse, man. Everybody's running for office. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll talk to you on Monday. Hello, what's going on? It's still a Monday morning podcast and as you can tell by the sound of my voice, I got about two hours of sleep last night. I am sitting in the Continental Terminal and Newark Airport. I just had an omelet, a fucking three cheese and a goddamn piece of toast. And I was trying not to get mad at the guy making the fucking eggs, but I did order toast with it.

You know? And I don't know if this has been your experience, but my experience is when I go into a breakfast establishment. Every time you order something, hang on a second. I'll go with this. Okay. Yeah. We know, we know, we know we have to get on the airplane.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up, please. Uh, all old people who would have a limp and get on first, we know how it works. Shut up. Okay. Anyway, so when I order, uh, anytime I go out to a breakfast place, right, I order toast, you gotta get toast with your eggs.

You know, if you don't, you're a fucking communist. Okay. But for some fucking reason, they always make the goddamn eggs first and then they go, Oh shit, I didn't make the toast. So then either they give you the eggs and you eat the fucking eggs without the toast, which once again is un-American eat the toast with the fucking eggs. They're supposed to arrive at the same time. Okay.

So either just give you the goddamn eggs and eat the fucking eggs and then they go, Oh, by the way, here's your toast. You know, everybody, if you ordered like a hot fudge Sunday and they gave you the fucking ice cream and then once you're done eating the ice cream, then they came over with the, with the fuck, with the shot of a hot fudge. You know, and you hold your nose and you get a fucking throw it down like Yega muster, you know, so this fucking douchebag makes the goddamn eggs. All right.

And then realize, Oh, you had toast with that. Yeah, I had toast with that. If you read the next line on the fucking horse lip, you would have seen it. You know, it's not like it's, it's, it's a lot of reading. It's not war and peace. It says three cheese omelet and underneath it, it said white toast. Right. So what does this guy do?

He opts to keep the fucking eggs with him while he waits for the toast to be done. And he's making some sort of turkey sandwich and needless to say, I get, I get the eggs. Oh, is this loud fucking moment going to be screaming on our cell phone near me? You know, I tried to pick a fucking part of the airport where no one would come. Okay. She got on a track suit. Got a lot of no person in a track suit. Um, you know what I mean?

What are you doing? The reunion up in 1940 Olympics. Anyways, yes, that's what this fucking guy does. Right. He gives me my long story short. I get my eggs, my eggs are fucking cold and now my post is, is hot as hell. And, you know, that's an omen. You know what I mean?

It's a goddamn omen of how the fucking day is going to go. You know, when you can't get your breakfast to coincide on a temperature, it's just really annoying. Um, but, you know, oh, Jesus Christ. What did she even say? Paging two people with really foreign sounding names. I like how she said that last name too, as if there's another guy named Barack. In the fucking airport. Um, oh, Jesus, I'm in a mood.

Uh, oh, God, it's not a special announcement when you have an announcement every three seconds. Oh, should I keep my bag with me? Oh, I was going to leave it down the fucking street. You cannot take a pistol onto the plane, even if you're in first class. This is what I can't stand. This is these fucking announcements like I'm some goddamn child. Every five seconds, tell me what I can and can't do. No, just tell me what I can't do.

That's what I don't like. You know, that little hot stewardess sitting over there playing so do cool. Uh, trying to attract a man to show that she's the classy flight attendant. She's not a sky whore and she's in the puzzle. Probably means she doesn't drink, but you'd be surprised. I bet she gives a good blow job. Oh, look at me. Give doing a little sex joke.

I usually stay away from that material. Cause it's too easy to get a laugh. Are you chuckling in your cubicle right now, people? All right, your collective cubicle. Anyways, that's my fucking three cheese on with the delayed white toast story. Slash Tourette's over the fucking announcements. If you're new to my page, this is the Monday morning podcast. Hosted by me next week.

I'll have a guest host. I'll be sick and let some feature. I call up this myself and he'll complain about the bagel he bought. So anyways, I do one of these every week. I answer questions and I, you know, people send me questions. And oh, speaking of that, I want to apologize to the person that I trashed last week for asking me where exactly they send the questions to. Evidently, somebody hacked my account and got rid of the place where it says add friends,

send a message. So I imagine that would be confusing, even though you did still send me an email. But I want to thank the two or three people who gave me the heads up. I'm trying to think who the fuck would hack my account so I couldn't add friends. Shortlist would probably be other comedians. Oh, hang on a second. Hang down. I was telling the Asian people what they can and can't do when they get on the flight.

No shopping, chopstick allowed in the common area. You know, that was not only racist, it was also hacky. Chopsticks bill. You couldn't come up with a more original fucking artifact from the Orient. You know what? I can't, I'm actually at a loss. I got chopsticks. These are the hacky references I have from the Far East.

Chopsticks, sushi, but you're kind of the same thing. They go hand in hand. Kabuki. And then that one guy who stood in front of that tank in Tiananmen Square. Oh, Buddhist monks protesting. Whatever the fuck it is, China's doing to him. You know what China's doing to Tibet? They're doing the same thing with these fucking people in the airport.

They're doing over the announcements. That's what it's like living at Tibet. Constant announcements over your head. There is no praying, no Tibetan monk, no Gregorian chant from 1230 to 130. All right, was that offensive enough? I hope so. Okay. Anyway, so people send me whatever they send me questions and I answer them to the best of my ability.

People send me conspiracy theory. Some of you sent me a great link, but I'm sitting here in the airport. And I can't open that shit without having to pay for fucking internet, which is I refused to do because I'm already doing it. I'm already doing it on my goddamn fucking place out in California. But whoever it was that sent me that thing, I really wish I could say an interview. That conspiracy theory thing was hilarious. It had all this stuff about 9-11, Hitler.

And what I loved about it was the usual, the usual categories of conspiracy theory, but somehow everything came back to blaming Jewish people. Literally to the point that this website was actually trying to suggest that Jewish people were actually financially backing Hitler and his whole movement. I mean, I don't know. It was just fucking, it was hilarious. Oh shit, yeah, another announcement. How do people get lost in the airport?

You know what I mean? How do you get separated? It's not like this place is on fire and everybody's fucking running. Everybody has cell phones. I don't understand the need to still pay somebody. Tension in the concourse and Philip Rivers. Who the fuck is Philip? Oh, he's a quarterback from fucking San Diego.

Look at that. I can't even talk with a fake name. I said Philip, I was thinking that was a good fake name and then I panicked. I went with Rivers, Philip Rivers, the hot-headed quarterback. Oh no, no, no, that's not the hot-headed quarterback. That's his, that's the braggadocious one. Who is the original? Who is that fucking quarterback for the charges?

Who's screaming at that reporter? Fuck was his name? Number one draft, Ryan Leaf. We tell you something, any of you broads out there who listen to this podcast and you're not into sports, you still should go on Google. Google Ryan Leaf, R-Y-A-N-L-E-A-F. I'll wait. Google it and, you know, if you thought your husband was an asshole

and had a shit, you know, and sort of would berate you, you got to see him when he yells at this reporter. It's awesome. No one gave off the date rate by better than Ryan Leaf. One of the great characters, one of the great busts in NFL history. Huh, anybody else? One was Tony Manderich. Is that his fucking name?

Who's the guy, the incredible Boke, that 400-pound guy on Royce who the Packers picked up? He showed up with his muscles and his acne and I don't know what happened. Dexter Manley gave him an uppercut and just ended his career. I don't know, he never really did shit. Oh, okay. Todd Morinovich, that's the other guy. That's the guy that I confused with.

The guy from USC who's dad was making him run 440s as a toddler. I was at least timing him in the 40. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about this point. I'm not asleep. So anyways, let's get on with the podcast questions. Oh, but before I do, fans of my radio show that I do with Joe DeRosa, who's in my top 46 on MySpace, if you look, he's the second one over. We do a radio show in XM202 once a month.

Comes out on a Saturday. The next one we have is going to be on Saturday, May the 24th. We just prerecorded it. We had a great show. Me and Joe both have incredible tempers and we screamed at each other. And that's the show. And actually, the show is a guest. We had an anger management therapist come on to analyze our

anger and try to figure out why we were a couple of psychos. And I got a mitt man. She got right around my defenses. She got in real close. She was like right in my grill emotionally. And I was fucking uncomfortable, but I think it made for some good radio. So please check that out. And what else?

I'm going to be at Zanies in Chicago on May 14th through that Sunday. I think I don't have my calendar in front of me. It's going to be real sketchy. But the date should be right there. You can click on it and find out where I'm going to be in case you don't understand how fucking computers work. All right. What else?

I got Caroline's. Caroline's Comedy Club in New York City. I'm going to be there from May 29th to June 1st. And Joe Narosa will be featuring. And in June, I'm going to be in the fuck of my act. Good night's Comedy Club, Raleigh, North Carolina. And I'll be at the punchline in Atlanta, Georgia. Hotland, as the brothers call it.

Wouldn't the hell am I going to be there? Something like fucking June 19th or something. I don't know. I don't have the stuff in front of me. Okay. All right. I'm in a bad mood. All right.

A cold eggs and fucking hot toast. It's enough to make anybody fucking irritable. God, I can't wait to get old and dressed like that. Look at that fucking mess. She's got on a pink hoodie with lime green slacks, Capri slacks, that cover all the varicose veins down to her calves. And no socks. And then some sort of Michael Jackson loafers.

So the guy over here looks like, the guy looks like he murdered his wife. You know, he's probably got a bottle of peroxide. Even though somebody murdered his wife, they was going with the peroxide. Did I talk about that last week? You know what I mean? Like that's going to help you fucking blend in. This lady over here with the pants suit. You know, I should talk right now.

I have on track sneakers. Track sneakers. Is that actually a fucking brand of sneakers? I don't know what it is. They're silver with a red Nike swoosh. That was probably sewn on by a fucking three-year-old in Bangladesh. And I have on jeans and a suede leather coat. Yeah, I guess I'm looking like an asshole too.

But there's another person sitting here, some up-and-coming comedian, doing a podcast and they're actually making fun of me. Oh, look at that fucking Aryan looking psycho over there. Why would you wear a fucking suede jacket with some track sneakers? Unless you stole the jacket and you had to get the fuck out of there quickly. But enough about theories. All right, let's get on with the podcast questions of the week. Okay, Bill, you said you love shit that is not meant to be funny.

But you find it to be that way. Let me try to read that sentence in a pace that will actually make sense. I had really awkward pauses in it, you know what I mean? Like if you take the most basic sentence and you pause in a weird area, people don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. And I think I just, all right, try to read it at an even tempo. I want to, I want to, Bill, you said you love shit that is not meant to be funny, but you find it to be that way.

See, now it makes sense. It even made sense to me. I got lost the first time I read it, which is why I don't read. Because I just get confused and it just really holds in the mirror up to my stupidity. And if I'm alone, it's a very scary moment. Okay, so what is your favorite movie that you find funny that is not meant to be funny? There's so much shit I can't even start. You know what, this is really the little stewardess Haven over here.

Now there's three stewardesses sitting there. This looks like the beginning of a porno, you know, like all I need to do is just walk into frame and next thing you know, it's going to be on, baby. Okay, what is my favorite movie that I find funny that's meant to be funny? There's too many of them. You know, Roadhouse, if you've never seen Roadhouse, some of you youngsters out there, you gotta see it, that was Patrick Swayze. I believe that's why I have his picture there.

Roadhouse is basically about a, a, a buff. Fuck myself I'm going to die. God damn it. Let me get quickly here. Roadhouse is about a rough and tumble bar and they can't seem to get control over it. So they hire this bouncer from, I don't know where, but he basically has a reputation on the bouncer circuit. That's what I love about it.

Like there's this bouncer circuit, like comedians, you know what I mean? Like people are out there like going, oh, did you hear Chris Rock's new hour and 45? Like there's like the Chris Rock of bouncers out there. You know, like who's your favorite bouncer? Like up and coming bouncers have a favorite fucking bouncers. So anyway, they bring in, they bring in Patrick Swayze, all 138 pounds of him with his feathered mullet to come in and clean this fucking bar up. And two of my favorite scenes in there is when after he gets hired, he gets into his

Mercedes Benz and they're playing this music and then, and then, and then, and then. And they show him like I'm putting on the Ray Bond glasses. Oh, shit. At one point he slides, they could set tape it. Like that was some fucking amazing. I guess it was an amazing option at that point. And there's that moment and the moment when he leans against the bar and this really bad white blues music is playing and he's doing this weird sort of fucking headnod to the

music that's supposed to imply that he's tough. I don't know, my cell phone's going to die. I can't explain it, but a roadhouse, any movie that has Clint Howard in it. And I find Fox News to be fucking absolutely hilarious. Just the fact that people actually look at it like it's an actual news. And these people are journalists and, and, you know, Bill O'Reilly is always fucking hilarious, screaming at people and, and then just making over the top comments. Like the second amendment is the most important amendment out there.

The right to bear arms. If anything taught us that, it was Hurricane Katrina. He actually fucking said that and then a nice drum. And then started talking about hooligans that kind of cover his tracks, but he got the message out there. All right, let me answer this next question really quickly before my cell phone dies. I was wondering if you're into comic books or you fucking whore. Nobody cares. Your announcement.

Jeez, right. And you're on the con course. OK, why don't you repeat it a third time? All right, I was wondering if you're into comic books and if you were at all. Bop, bop, bop, blah, who are your favorite ones? I was in the Spider-Man and there was actually one of my favorite comic books as a kid. There was a comic book with Spider-Man and this guy, Power Man. There's black, there's black superhero and he had, you know, this yellow shirt.

You know, they were stressed very flamboyantly. And somehow there was a fire in a building and he saved the fire, burned the fireman. It was just a really cool one. And this dude, I like the movies they make about comics and it's no I don't because most of them end up being chick flicks. You know what? You should ask that question to Keith Robinson because he's the one who really fucking called that.

Oh, it's not special. It's not a special announcement every five fucking seconds. No one's going to abandon their luggage. Okay, all right. It's time to wrap this fucking podcast up. All right. And I'm going to go over there and go hit on these steward assistants and see if I can make that fantasy come true.

Can you even hear me? Anyways, I want to thank everybody for listening to the Monday Morning Podcast and sending in the questions. Please keep sending me the conspiracy theory and all that type of stuff. And I just want to thank everybody who came out to Helium Comedy Club out in Philadelphia. I had a had a great time down there and no buoy nothing. It was actually a great crowd. They're actually really crowds too.

Who knew, right? I had a great time. So thanks to everybody who came out and sorry, this podcast is so short, short and sweet, but I'm going to run out of batteries here. So I'll talk to all you guys next week. The link is back up. So please keep sending me the questions. All right, everybody have a good week.

Thanks, man. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Findings suitable mental health medications can be a challenge. The gene site test may help.

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