Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-21-22

Episode Date: April 21, 2022

Bill rambles about throwing out the first pitch, walking around Boston, and stretching.

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Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in. Checking in on you.

Just checking in on you. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Billy quiet face in his hotel room out on the fucking road, getting ready to do Pittsburgh and then Nashville and then Columbus and then Cleveland and then Chicago with Joe Bartnick for his special. So yeah, I got all of that shit to do.

And you know what? I'm in Boston right now. By the time you hear this, I'll be in Pittsburgh though. Flying out tonight there. What's it going to say? I was fucking walking around Boston today. Went to the Red Sox game the other night, right? And I wanted to get a couple of hats.

And I wanted the ones like the fitted ones, the stretchy fitted ones, right? So I go to the whatever the fucking store you go to that I've been going to since I was a little kid. And I got that marathon one and I got the regular one. You know, I'm trying on the sizes or whatever. And I get back to my fucking hotel room and neither one of them fits me.

One of them's too big. The other one's too small. It's like, what the fuck? I tried them out. And what I realized when I went back to the store is that people try them on and then they just, yeah, that doesn't fit and they just put it back anywhere because people don't give a fuck.

So I went all for two on those. So I had to go back today. And I ended up, you know, I always got to make a trip to the north end at some point. And, you know, I'm editing that movie from the road, so I didn't have a lot of time. So I was like, you know what? I get the gym out of the way as far as my walk.

So I walked from Fenway all the way, you know, Kenmore Square all the way down Com Ave, government center to the north end by the swan boats and all that. It was such a great walk. And I saw a bunch of college kids hanging out in the park having a good time. And then I saw parents with kids and stuff. It was really cool.

And I learned a lot on the walk, you know? I was sitting there. I learned that I'm not young anymore, which I already knew, but I always keep learning that. Then I saw this woman, I think she was on the Freedom Trail. And she had these kids who were under the age of 10. And she's just sitting there reading them all this shit about fucking Paul Revere.

And these poor kids could just give a fuck. And they're not retaining any of the information. And I'm just sitting there looking at her like, you know, you're doing a good thing. You're combating iPads and TVs and the screen. You're trying to combat that shit. But I've got to be honest. If this is the option that they go from a fucking flat screen

TV or an iPad to listen to you telling them where fucking Paul Revere wrote his goddamn horse and it took a shit or whatever the hell you do. These kids could not have given a fuck less. And she was just plowing through this information, looking at it on like a brochure. And I learned something. I was like, I'm not doing that with my kids.

We're not going on vacation to learn something. We're not. We're going on vacation to be on vacation. I'm not going to fucking take you to Seattle and then be like, and this is where fucking Kurt Cobain wrote a horse to get a fucking sandwich, you know, whatever the fuck they do out in Seattle. I'm not doing that.

I'm just going to chill out and we're going to have a good time. Like, I feel like teaching kids, you got to sneak it in. You know, you can't just come at them like, yeah, you're going to sit out. You're going to learn this shit. First of all, they already get that at school. So if you come home and you're going to do that,

I fucking hated that when I was a kid and some stupid adult would be telling me, I said, I have a second. I'm going to teach you something. And the whole time that they were talking, I would just, oh, are you, you fucking douche? That's all I was thinking. And they probably were telling me something I should have retained, but I don't know.

The older I get in this, just being a parent, I just realize that some of these fucking people, you can learn so much like, good shit too. But he goes and learn like, I'm not doing that. I'm never taking my kids on the fucking Freedom Trail in Massachusetts. I'm not doing that. There is no fucking, if they want to do that when they're

adults, they can do that or whatever. But there is no way. Oh, Bill, who's kidding who? You can't sit through it. I couldn't. There's no fucking way. I can't sit through it. There's certain historical events I can sit through.

There's something about that powdered wig shit. I just, I don't give a fuck. And I know it has a, it's an important part of the history of this country, but I just don't care. When people had buckles on their hats and on their shoes, I just, I can't, I don't know what it is. There has to be like a certain level of like, I don't give a fuck about World War One.

I don't give a fuck about the YEPI. Ah, I don't give a, sorry. I mean, obviously, you know, that's belittling the sacrifices and everything with me. I just don't, I can't like sit down. That's not true, because I read all quite on the Western front and that was amazing. You know what, I need planes.

I need machine guns and bombs. And I can fucking read about a war. It's weird. It's weird, but if it's just like, if there's like horses involved, like, I'm, I'm like, oh, unless it's like, you know, cowboys and Indian stuff when I was growing up, like the real story, not our story. Then I can get into this shit.

All right, you know, I realized in the last fucking seven minutes is I judged that mother because she was saying some shit that I didn't want to hear about. And then I just made it about her kids not wanting to hear about it. Maybe I should do it. I don't fucking know.

Anyway, this is the podcast. Listen to fuck that. I stand by the fact that those kids did not give a shit. They did not give a shit about what she was talking about. They look fucking miserable. Just get them an ice cream. They have their whole life to sit and listen to another person, fucking yammer in some shit that bores the hell out of them

that they have to retain in order to get to the next fucking step in life. Why do that to them when they're kids? Yeah, it's good training. That's good training. So anyway, yeah, oh, Billy big Billy, Billy ball. I'm going to be at Fenway Park. I can't believe it.

August 21st, and I got a whole bunch of tickets I need to sell. So if you were ever going to take a road trip to go see me, I could use you on this one. I went to the Red Sox Blue Jays game on Tuesday night. I got to throw out the first pitch and the amount of shit people were giving me like people texting me and they were like, oh, I'm going to be a big fan of you. Like people texting me out of the woodwork,

call me up, dude, don't fuck it up. Don't do it. All of this stuff. I couldn't believe it. And I just kept laughing, going like, I'm a fucking comedian. Whatever you do, don't bounce it or else what? Like what's going to happen?

Were they going to sign me and now they're not? So anyway, I show up at the ballpark and they walked me in and I'm getting butterflies a little bit like back in the day when I would do like Letterman or something. And I was like, wow, I haven't felt that in a minute. And I'm like, that's never good. That's never good.

I got to get control of that. So when they brought me down to the field, I just started shooting the shit with people down there. You know, talking so I wouldn't be thinking about what I had to do. And then I played catch with one of the ball girls down there who made a great catch on one that I got a little wild on.

And I almost hit this whole group of women down there. I didn't even know why they were there. And then I watched the news. I found out they won this like back to back hockey championships. I saw them, they had like this trophy. I didn't wish I talked to them, but I didn't end up talking to the choir that sang the national anthem.

So anyway, I threw a couple, two, three. I felt all right. And then they said, all right. You know, they announced the lineups and then they fucking brought me out there. And I got to tell you, the mound is, it's like, it's not even like, it's like no dirt I've ever stood on in my life.

It was like synthetic dirt. It was so perfect. You know, it was funny. My buddy asked me, he goes, what were you doing before? He goes, I saw you, you like reached down, like almost like you're reaching down for a rosin bag. Were you writing something in the dirt? And I was like, oh no, I was, I had a rapper

from a breath mint fell out of my pocket. I put my hand in my pocket and it came out and I didn't want to litter out there. So he thought I was doing some cool fucking, you know, Sammy Sosa shit. I was just picking up a breath mint wrapper from a lifesaver, a little clear plastic one if you wanted to know what that was.

And then I just went up there and I was gonna do this whole Louis T on thing. I only did a little bit of it. And I just fucking without thinking, I just fucking before I overthought it. And I just aimed at the guy's head. It was funny. My buddy said, it had a little action on it, man.

He goes, I, you know, kind of fucking the bottom dropped out of it. And I said, that was, that was it running out of velocity. Yeah. So it went all right. I threw a strike, thank God. And then when I threw the strike and it went good and the crowd clapped, I realized how much I gave a fuck

because I went up there and I did what I usually do. As I just downplay the whole thing. I give the fuck, just go up through all the stupid fucking thing, no one gives a shit. It bounces, nobody's gonna care who gives a shit. It's not like they're gonna add this to a compilation. It's not like people make compilations of the worst first pitches by people in the public eye,

which I found out they do. I just downplayed the whole thing. And then when I actually do it and it's over, then I feel great. And that's what happened. I wish I could have been Zen and been in the moment. I just fucking did it. And then when it was over, I felt like I was 100 feet tall

the rest of the fucking night. You know, oh God, the level of shit I would have got for that one. So thank God. And thank you to the Red Sox for hooking me up with that and letting me tell my shit jokes there in August. But that's what I was telling, you know, my family was there, obviously.

And I was just like, oh my God, I go, I can't believe how much I gave a shit. I had literally convinced myself that I didn't care. And then the second I threw it and it didn't bounce and the guy caught it, I was like, ah, thank God. I did everything but twirl around and throw my hat in the air like fucking Mary Tyler Moore. And then I got to go up in the booth.

On Nessun with David Yook, and I had a great time with them. I got to do WEEI before the game. I got to do PBS and do a little thing. And they said Fred Lynn was in the building. That was the only thing I didn't get to meet him. But other than that, it was awesome. I still can't, I'm like, I don't have anything funny to say about, I'm just fucking stunned that that even happened.

And then like seeing you know, I was like eating some food and the game's going. And I can tell you what's cool, the scorecards now, you don't even have to fill out the lineup anymore. That was the big pain in the ass. They'd be like batting first, so and so. Batting second, you get slow to fuck down. You know, I'm trying to fill this out.

Now you get it, it's already all filled out. The only thing is they still have the pencil without the eraser. And I always end up fucking up, you know, at the end of an inning, you know, I'll go like two or two batters, three batters, and realize that I'm filling it out for the other fucking team. That's the worst, which is what I did.

But the Red Sox won. I hope they're winning tonight. Obviously, I'm recording this on Wednesday. You know, the big bad Blue Jays who are talking smack like they're going to win the American League East. So I'm expecting they're going to try to avenge that loss tonight. We shall see.

We shall see. And I'm going to run my hour tonight before my flight. And other than that, I don't know what else I'm going to do. I got this whole tour. I'm going to go to Pittsburgh. Now this is going to be a tough tour for me to stay in shape, because not only am I going to these cities where I have friends, like I know their parents,

and their parents all cook. You know, you go to Pittsburgh, you're going to run into the Bartnicks, and Joe Bartnick's mother's going to throw down. I mean, Pittsburgh, you just, I mean, that's 3,000 calories a day. Then you go to Nashville. Not only is it Nashville, it's also the South.

So you got all of that going on. And then Columbus, I think I can do all right. And then Cleveland, you know, Cleveland is Cleveland. You know what, they have decent restaurants downtown now. I just always, that place always just feel like it's like sports arenas, hilarities, and a bunch of bars with like, you know, food you can eat when you're in your 20s.

But anyway, so speaking of Louis Tion, I actually, someone was telling me about this documentary, The Lost Son of Havana, that they made about Louis Tion when he was 67. And he had left Cuba in 1961, right before the Bay of Pigs. And they closed down the borders. And they told all, you know, Cuban baseball players that were playing in America, come back and play in Cuba,

or never come back. And he had yet to be back. And it was this really cool documentary about him going back for the first time. It's up on YouTube in about four or five different parts. And what I did love about it was every time they showed Louis Tion, he was smoking a cigar. And he's still alive.

He's like 82, I think, 81, 82 years old. And he was smoking these things like, that was no tomorrow. So it made me feel a little bit better about some of my life choices there. Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you guys. When I was down on the field, the mascot, Wally, came up. They do that weird mascot thing where they don't talk and shit. You're like, hey, how's it going?

And they got to do the whole shrug on the shoulders. Like, hey, you know, you win some, you lose some. He's like doing that little fucking shrug kind of thing. And then all of a sudden, I see the female version of him. And I'm like going like, oh, shit, you got yourself a girlfriend. Good for you, Wally, where'd you meet her? And they still start waving their hands. Like that time, that guy dressed like Bert for the Sesame

Street was waving his hands. I thought he was saying hello to me before he slammed the door in my face. They started waving their hands like that and covering their eyes. And I'm like, what did I say? And somebody goes, they're not boyfriend, girlfriend, they're brother and sister.

And I was like, oh, shit, I'm sorry. Didn't mean you grossed out, Wally. And he's sitting there shrugging his fucking shoulders and covering his eyes. It was fucking hilarious. But I suggested incest between two mascots. And then they had to play it off with mascot embarrassment and then forgive me all while miming.

Like, I was in this silent film, but I was the only guy talking. It was really weird. But I will tell you, one of my favorite parts of the night was being up in the booth, the Nessun booth. And that is really something like, in another life, I would have done that for a living. And I actually think baseball would be the coolest one to do it for, because that's the one that

has the most time to shoot the shit. One of my favorite things back in the day was listening to two people fucking during a rain delay, just having to talk for two fucking hours. They had the original podcasters just sitting there riffing for two fucking hours, waiting for the up. Like, dude, would you just call the game so we can all go drinking?

Oh, let's just fucking get a little wet and get six innings in it, five and a half innings, whatever the fuck we have to do here. But I had a, I think there's really something cool about being like a play-by-play person. Like, you just do, like, on the radio, I think is really cool. You know, people like know your voice and shit.

They don't really know what you look like, so you can kind of just walk around. You know, and if you don't want to get recognized, you just act like those mascots. You just cover your eyes and shrug your shoulders when anybody asks you, like, a question or something. Anyway, I was FaceTiming with my kids today, and my son has this new thing.

Like, he's into any sort of, like, truck or car. Like, you know, whenever he sees my car, he goes, he goes, that is cool car, cool car. That is cool car. He does, that's the best, right? And anything he sees, if he sees a truck, he goes, cool car, I go, it's a truck. He can't say, he can't make TR sounds yet.

But his thing now is he's, like, fascinated with how all of these things work. So all of his toys that he pushes around, toy trucks and stuff, scooters or whatever, he now, like, tips them over, and he really looks at them. He just sort of spins the wheels, and he's really, like, trying to figure out how they work. He's such a little smart guy.

Must have got it from his mother. I know God damn well he didn't get it from me. But anyway, why does this only say four minutes? I only record for four minutes. Is that what this is trying to say? Or did it start a new recording? I don't fuck, I think it started a new recording. Oh, wow.

All right, yeah, so I actually only hit stop, whatever. I'll just edit, I'll just edit the fucking thing together, dude. Anyway, so I had a great trip back here to Boston. I got to see all my nieces and nephews. I did the whole thing. And I am looking forward to coming back here this summer and, you know, doing my show here, which is gonna be crazy.

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Oh, what are you excited about there, freckles? What do you say there? I am excited about the fact that I got this thing to help fix my shoulders. I don't know what the hell you call it. Oh, Jesus, Bill, are you really going to do this? Oh, this is what happens when you do with the stream of consciousness.

You start talking about shit, and you don't have the stuff in front of your knee. I ordered these things. Orders, the only thing that gives orders. Let's see, shoulder is getting, this might be it. That's not it. Goddamn motherfucker. I don't know what the hell it is.

I bought this thing on the internet, right? It has a handle and it has like a little ball at the end of it, and you just spin it with your arms straight out. Clockwise, then counterclockwise. This angle, clockwise, counterclockwise, and then straight to the side of your body. You do it for 40 days, 10 days with each little weighted

ball, and each one gets a little heavier, and it's supposed to fix your shoulders, and it's done wonders for my shoulder. You know, that's why I was able to bring the 49 mile per hour heat last night from the fucking hill. Seriously, I was able to throw it and not hurt myself, and I'm in the gym, I'm fucking getting them.

I was hanging from a chin-up bar the other day, so tempted to try to do a rep, but I know that that would set me back months, so I'm just sticking with this shit while I'm on the road. Ba-da-da, freckled douche. I'm just gonna keep working out with this shit. Although the only thing that sucks about that thing

is I don't dare take it on the road unless you check it, because it's gonna look like a medieval weapon in your carry-on, so the thing ain't cheap. As far as ordering shit on the internet, I wanna say it was a couple hundred bucks, but to have shoulders that fucking work again is fantastic, and then I've been doing this stretch, where you reach your arm up behind your back

and have your hand between your shoulder blades, and then your other hand reaches over the top of your shoulders. To grab your other hand, you interlock your fingers, and I can do that with one side, with my left arm behind my back, my right arm, I have to give it a little bit of help to get it up there.

I'm not quite there, but I just do it every single day, and because I have to win this bet, I have with Verzi. See, he thinks it's over, like I should just give him the 200 bucks already, but I'm gonna be able to do 10 pull-ups by the time I'm 70. I'm not saying, I wanna forgive me the money if I do like a cycle, you know, like all these actors that do like the fucking HGH so they can run around

and they're underwear and be like a superhero. I should really stop teasing about that because you'll end up seeing me maybe one day. There's no red-headed superhero. Ha, ha, ha, ha, oh no, there isn't. What the fuck? All we got is the Joker. Sometimes he has red hair, he has like green hair.

Wait a minute, is there no fucking ginger fucking, there's no ginger man, there's ginger bread man, but he's not a fucking superhero, he's a goddamn cookie. Wait a second, ah, Jesus Christ. Ginger superhero. Get the fuck out, there isn't. There's a woman, wait, here's a guy. Ginger superhero.

No, that's just somebody being an asshole. Guy has like a fucking purple codpiece with like fishnet stockings. There isn't. There is not. Wait, red-headed males. Comic Vine, they just, they don't exist. Ah, that guy doesn't have red hair,

it's brownish, orange. Maybe this is why I never got into those Marvel movies. You know what it was? I just didn't see me on the screen. You guys, do you have any idea how difficult it is to go to a Marvel movie and not see yourself represented? I get my identity from superhero movies. Anyway.

You ever be in a hotel room and you just open the fucking window up, you know, and you just look across into another hotel room, you're like, you're just expecting to see two people fucking, it never happens. It never happens. You're just like, why do I do the road? What is the point?

You know what I do is I look out the window and I just look at the people walking by so I just know if I need a jacket or not. That's the level of excitement of being out on the road. Will you look at that fucking boat out there? Is that what they do the, do they still do the Boston Tea Party out here? Stupid ass fucking tourists, reenacting that shit.

Do you think that even happened? I think there's a better chance of Jesus being white than, is that been proven yet? Is Jesus white? I wonder if he is. I hope he isn't. Be good if he wasn't, because then we don't have to deal

with all of his fucking, you know. It'd be nice if his guilt trip was the responsibility of a different race. I died for you, man. We got it, we got it, you know. Thank you, appreciate it. Didn't really ask you to do it, but now that you did it, thank you.

Are you gonna bring it up the whole fucking time? Jesus Christ, race. There's gonna be a bunch of people dressed like Jesus running down the street. Color of Christ, a store. This isn't the body of Christ. This is the color of Christ. That's a fucking great name.

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about race and religion in America. Edward J. Blum and Paul Harvey explored that history in their new book, The Color of Christ, The Son of God and the Saga of Race in America. The book traces how different races and ethnic groups claimed Christ as their own. And our depictions of Jesus have both inspired civil right crusades and have been used to justify

the violence of white supremacists. The coup, Klex Klan, could not rely on Christian doctrine to justify their persecution of violence, so they had to turn to religious icons. The belief, the value that Jesus is white provides them an image in place of text. It gets them away from actually having to quote chapter and verse, which they can't really do to present their cause.

I sure they could. People do that all the fucking time. They just pick a chapter and they have their own fucking interpretation of it. All right, when slave owners try to Christianize their slaves, they bring Jesus in two forms. One is as a servant and that's to say, hey look, service is good, service is godly,

so your work service is good. But they also present Jesus as master. You have to follow his lead to not lie, not steal. I don't know about any of this shit. This is why I don't fucking go to church. All right, race and appearance of Jesus. Here we go. Let's see.

He's pretty much like a wood stock skateboard and looking dude. There was no scholarly agreement on the appearance of Jesus over the century. He's been depicted in many ways. Yeah, there's no picture of the guy. So like, how do you know what he looked like? Yeah, this dude, I hate to say guys, it's a fucking scam.

And he's not coming back. I am so sorry. Why would I end on that? Maybe he is. You know what, don't get mad at me. Jesus believers, pray for me. All right, that is it everybody. That's the Thursday afternoon,

just before Friday, Monday, morning podcast. I wanna thank, you know, I don't know. Everybody involved that got me to where I was at that I got to throw out that first pitch. That was truly the coolest thing I ever got to do. And I still cannot believe, I still can't believe it. It feels, it went by so fast.

It feels like a frigging dream. And I'm so happy I didn't bounce the goddamn ball cause I never would have heard the end of it from you fucking assholes. All right, that's the podcast. Enjoy your weekend, you cunts. There'll be a little bit of music. And then a bonus version, I'm sorry, a bonus episode

of a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday, morning podcast. All right, that's it. I'll see you. Have a great day, Celtics. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast

for Monday, April 21st, 2014, being recorded live on digital tape in the good old USAV in my fucking bedroom. Oh man, it's great to be back. Oh let me tell you, I'll tell you I had a crazy flight coming back, y'all. No, I am, I'm excited to be back. I'm happy to be back.

I didn't wanna leave, but you know, at some point you gotta grow up, right? Go back to work, you know, put some food in a fucking brown sack, get into some fucking car that has a hatchback, inch your way into traffic. Can I go? Can I go?

Thank you. Thank you. The person who cares, you know, put on Jack FM and sit there and cry as they call songs that you thought came out two weeks ago, classics. Girl, it's been a long time since we've been apart. That's the 40th anniversary, get the fuck out of here.

Some metalhead's gonna call, oh man, actually they came up 1981. Go fuck yourself, all right? Take off your Rob Helford leather studded gloves and go clean out the garbage disposal, right? Why don't I say garbage disposal? Cause that's what I think of when I think of those gloves, the ones that go all the way up to your elbows, you know?

Basically the glove form of superhero boots. Anyway, this is the Monday morning podcast. If you're new to the podcast, welcome. Thank you for listening. I know you have your choice between mine and nine zillion other fucking podcasts. I mean, at this point, I mean, you guys could all have a podcast,

but why would you do that? Why would you do that when you could just sit down and listen to someone else attempt to do it? I don't fucking know. Yes, so back in the United States and I had an unbelievable trip. You know what fucking story I kept trying, I kept forgetting to tell you guys

and I'm not still boring you with stories about France, but I did have a fucking great time over there, which is an understatement. Anyways, I know like two weeks ago I told you, or last week I told you the story going to Omaha Beach and the American Soldier Cemetery over there and all that type of stuff. And one of my podcast listeners sent me an email

a couple of months ago talking about how after he took the tour the next morning he woke up early and went down to Omaha Beach when there was nobody there. You know, maybe one guy with the dog and a frisbee, right? And he just sat there on the beach and smoked a cigar. And I was like, dude, I gotta fucking do that, right? I gotta fucking do that. So I got my cigar, I take the tour

and I got that big stupid Mercedes nine passenger bus that they rented me because I wanted a car one way. And as I've told you guys time and time again on this podcast, when you rent a car one way you are getting the fucking ugly duckling, the one that they can't rent out. You're getting the Griswold family truckster. And that's what they gave me.

But two fucking people, nine passenger, right? So I wake up the next morning, early, Nia's still sleeping and my phone is dead and I'm not gonna take her phone because I don't wanna be like, why did you take my phone? I was looking for it. I didn't wanna deal with that, right? So what I have is, I have this GPS

that was the shit in about 2002. I'm in another country, I don't speak the language. It's about eight o'clock in the morning and I go out and I get in this fucking nine passenger bus by myself and I start driving. And I already can't get it to say Omaha Beach. I can't read half the signs and I'm just laughing as I'm driving away going,

I'm gonna get lost. And I keep turning around. Every time I make a left turn around and rather than looking at a sign, I'm trying to look at something that stands out, a billboard or something and I'm trying to remember. Like, remember that fucking game, Simon, right? The little colors and it would go all around.

It's a fucking great game, great electronic game. One of the few that I was allowed to have, my parents never gave us video games, never let us do any of that shit because they thought it was gonna affect our studies. You know? My dad's like, you're not watching that shit. But dad, I wanna play Astro.

I said hit the fucking books. You know what's funny? Is I still flunked everything in high school. So maybe you should have let me play Miss Pac-Man. I didn't flunk it, but I was in the, you know. If my high school class was a batting lineup, I was batting eighth, right before the catcher. Anyways, so I get in this van and I'm fucking laughing

and I'm trying to feel my way back to where the tour guide drove us. And you know, every fucking 20 seconds is a goddamn rotary. Round and round and round you go and you spit out the van and I have no fucking idea where I'm at. So I'm just laughing.

I'm like, I don't give a fuck. I know where the beach, I know the beach is in this direction. I'm just going in this direction. And then I know I go left, gauche, as the French people say. I'm going left and then I'm just gonna drive until I see it and I'm gonna get there. I'm gonna smoke my cigar. I'm gonna complete this fucking mission, right?

And then I'll deal with the fact that I don't know how to get back and that I have a flight to catch, you know, early afternoon. So actually it wasn't even eight in the morning. I think it was like nine by the time I got up or whatever. So I kind of blew the early morning part of it,

but I still wanted to go smoke the cigar. So I'm driving and this fucking thing is just taking me, you know, I can't figure out how to input it. I can't, there's no enter button. I can't, I'm going Omaha Beach and I'm yelling at the fucking thing. I'm screaming at the, about the rental car people. How can you rent this fucking piece of shit out

and charge somebody fucking 20 francs a day for this goddamn thing or euros, whatever the fuck they're on. And I'm driving down the road and I got the radio on because I'm trying to immerse myself in the language. That's what you're supposed to do when you learn a new language. You just immerse yourself in it.

Although I'm sitting there speaking English, which I shouldn't be doing. I should be going mad, zoot, whatever the fuck I'm supposed to be yelling. But I wasn't, I was speaking in English. So anyways, I had on, this is the point of the story. I had on French talk radio and it was fucking hilarious.

First of all, they're speaking 90 miles an hour and I'm just by the way they're talking. You can tell basically, I don't know what they're talking about, but you can kind of figure out like what's going on. And somebody's like, you know, you're jibba jibba jibba jibba jibba jibba. And then some other guy goes like,

the other guy's like, the other guy's like, so it says the guy said something and the other guy goes, you know, what the fuck's that? And the other guy goes, no, no, no, no. I'm not saying, I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm just, you know, I'm just saying,

oh, Cleo, what's up buddy? You haven't been on the podcast in a while. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Get off the bed, get off the bed. Get off the bed, sorry. Get a fucking hit stop on the record button. So anyways, these guys are going back. Jibba jibba jibba jibba jibba jibba jibba jibba jibba.

But no, but no, eh, jibba jibba jibba. So anyways, I'm listening to this shit and now I'm driving into fog. I'm completely fucking lost and I'm listening to these guys. And what's funny over there is when people talk and they're searching for a word, they don't go, ah, because that's actually a word.

Like elah, so you'd be like have. So you'd be going have. You wouldn't do that. So what they do, they say is, this is my, I think this is what's going on. So rather than going ah or um, they go ew. Like e, e, you are almost ew. So they kept doing that going ew.

As I'm driving through the fucking fog and I'm laughing just going ew, imitating the shit as I'm trying to find this beach. And then, you know, like when you try to make a point in any language, you're like, you know, this guy is, is, is, is, or you know, these people, what they try to do, whatever. You say like the fucking word like 15 times in a row.

So that's what they kept going. They kept going like eh, eh, eh, ew, do, do, do, ew. And I'm driving in the fog, going, going, eh, eh, eh, ew, do, do, do, ew. Stupid fucking French people. I'm screaming about them and the stupid thing. And long story short, this fucking,

this fucking Atari map quest, whatever the fuck you call it, makes me go left. I'm going down these farm roads. All right. And now it literally feels like it's 1944 and some Germans are gonna come around the corner with a motorcycle and a sidecar. I'm driving by the, the hedge roads.

I'm getting to like dirt roads. And I'm just laughing. I have no fucking idea where I'm at. It's foggy. I'm on a road that's so fucking small. Like I literally have to pull this bus over to let somebody else go by. They give the wave over there, by the way.

And I'm just driving, eh, eh, eh, ew, do, do, do, do, ew. Driving my way through this fucking thing. And I finally make it to the road, like an hour later. And my flight is leaving in two and a half hours and I have no fucking idea how to get back. And I get to the place where I'm gonna make the left to drive up to the beach and it says road closed. You know?

And you gotta be sitting there going, Bill. You know, 3,000 people died that way, that day. I mean, on that beach, they saw their mission through. They just kept coming and coming and coming until they fucking met their objective. Are you gonna let one little French police barricade that says erect or stop, whatever the fuck it says. Are you gonna let that stop you?

Or are you just gonna drive this nine-passenger van around it and use the fact that you don't speak the language as a goddamn excuse? Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. Right? I pussied out. I was just like, I gotta go to the fucking airport. I don't even know where I'm at and I fucking turned around,

like the coward that cries in the Foxhole. So now I'm driving back into the fog. Driving back into this fucking fog. And dude, it took me like fucking, it took me like fucking two hours. We almost missed our goddamn flight. I'm driving around Rotary after fucking Rotary and I can't find this place.

And then finally I came in Bayou. They have like this old part of town. You know, they got all these, you know, strip malls and not strip malls, but just like just regular shit. Plays to get on Sand Beach. Um. They got all that bullshit, right? But then in the center of town,

they have like the old school, like, like the old part of town, like old Montreal, old Vegas, whatever the fuck you want to call it. So I see this church and I'm like, I remember that fucking church. My hotel is somewhere near that church and there's a little brook near it. So I drive back and it was the most frustrating

half hour of my life. Cause I knew that I was near my fucking hotel, but I just couldn't find the fucking thing. And finally I found the brook. And what I had to do, I had to just, I just got out of the van and started walking around. And then I finally, and I'm walking up to people and I'm going, excuse me,

I was doing that, I was going, so I was actually going, excuse me, so I was going, excuse me, have, or has whatever I'm saying. I was like, excuse me, who a Winston Churchill hotel, hotel day Winston Churchill, cause that wasn't even named my hotel,

but my hotel was right next to it. And then it would be like, uh, jeunesse, go, God damn it. Fuck. And it took me like five people walking up to him. And I finally was able to find the brook. And then I found it and I saw him, there's my fucking hotel.

And then I just took this, I had to run back to the van and weave my way around it. I'm freaking out. No one, my wife's going to be pissed at me. And I finally get to the hotel and we got enough time to get to the airport. And I fucking go in the hotel room and she's still sleeping.

She's still sleeping. She's like, hey baby, did you make it to the beach? And I was like, no, I couldn't find it that stupid piece of shit. MapQuest fucking thing from 1982, took me down a country road. And she just goes, oh, why didn't you just take my phone, honey?

And that's the story. Do, do, do. But anyways, I'm keeping up with my French shit. I'm going to try to, I don't know, I gave up on the Spanish stuff. I just, there's something about the French language where I flunked it for three years in high school and it's familiar.

And I feel like maybe through learning French, I can somehow learn Spanish. I don't know, a lot of you guys are sitting there going, fuck you, Bill, you're never going to learn this shit. And you know what? I thrive off of that. Go fuck yourselves. I'm going to learn how to speak it.

And when I do, I'm going to do an entire podcast in French. All for all sake. All right, let's do some advertising for this week. Evoise, everybody, want your business to make more money? Evoise can help. Here's how. When your customers call, you'll have your own toll free number,

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Go to legalzoom.com, enter discount code Burr, B-U-R-R. There you are. Hey, that was pretty good reading for this week. Oh, by the way, I've been obsessed with German cars ever since I went on that D-Day trip, you know? And I looked at one of our tanks, you know? Our tank basically, if a Chevy Chevette was a tank, that's what the fuck we were rolling out.

Which once again, is I'm really starting to understand why Tom Brokaw called them the greatest generation because I couldn't even make it to Omaha Beach in a fucking Mercedes-Benz 9-passenger with fucking satellite help. These tanks, compared to what the Germans had, it's unfucking believable. So I actually, you guys got to see this video

that I watched this week. If you're into cars, they basically show them putting together the engine that they stick in one of their unbelievable cars. And this guy hand builds the entire thing with the help of some actually some really cool robots. And you know that I'm not into robots. But what I like about these robots

is they're doing the pain in the ass job that you don't want to do. Like, you know, when you squeeze that fucking glue, I guess to basically, I don't know if you're sealing the head to the block, I thought there was a gasket there. I have no idea. It was one of those deals. I own one of those deals, but this fucking robot thing,

just it's got the sealer. And it fucking goes right around the edge. And then when you get to a screw, it goes like around the rotary, like me in the bus. And then just fucking continues on. And it's perfect. And then you line up. So basically, the guy puts the whole glorious engine

together. And then in the end, he has his own seal with his name. He puts his fucking name on the engine. And I was like, oh my god, I got to get a Mercedes someday. And then I looked up how much they cost. And I was like, oh my god, I got to rent a Mercedes someday. I know you can get some of the smaller ones, but the one you fucking want, you know, the Mercedes,

you don't want to get those fucking the lower end ones. Fuck those ones. You want the one that you're walking up to. Somebody opens the door for you when you have a briefcase handcuffed to your fucking wrist. That's the model you want. Like the one I looked up, I'm like, well, fuck this. What's the best one they got?

So basically, BMW's got the M series, the M5, the M6, the M3, and all that. With Mercedes, they have the AMG. So I'm like, oh, let me check out. It was a fucking four door sedan. They wanted $237,000 for this fucking thing. You know? And I was just like, all right.

Well, that was a fun fantasy. I mean, they'll go buy a used one from somebody getting a goddamn divorce or some shit. I don't know what, but I definitely got to hopefully I'll remember. Maybe I'll make a note right now. I'll do that because I always say, I'm going to put that video up.

Hey, everybody. I'm putting a video up. And guess what? It's going to be up on the website. And it never is. If you guys just saw how I just typed Mercedes with my right hand, I'm left-handed. M-E-R-C-E-S.

Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes. Wait a minute. I put the damn, I swear to God. Do I have also dyslexia? M-E-R-C-E-D. Yes, that looks right, right?

Mercedes video. Stupid. Why do you have to insult yourself? Why can't you love yourself and just tie his string around your finger? Anyways, yes, so I am back in the United States of America. And I'm getting back to watching American sports. And Jesus Christ, my picks last week.

I swear to God, and the NHL, what a fucking train wreck that was. That was like some Paul Versey shit. I went on there, and I only picked one upset. I really hope he hears that. Can you guys please send that link to him? Please send this entire section if you can. Paul, you listening to this?

I did what you did. I went with all the fucking favorites. And I'm going to give you my results right now if you're listening. New Jersey zone. Dude, I called it Paul Versey. All right. Flyers versus the Rangers.

I picked the fucking Flyers. That series is actually 1-1. Boston, Detroit, I picked the Bruins. That series is 1-1. Montreal, I actually picked Montreal. Jesus Christ, where the fuck are all my losses? Oh, yeah, San Jose, Los Angeles. I picked Los Angeles.

I guess they're not the favorites. But I looked, ah, San Jose fucking. They like win the president's trophy every year, and then they fucking, they lose. Usually in the first goddamn round. I'm not shitting on the San Jose shacks. Come on down, MVP sports. We got all the jerseys.

We got the shacks, the Steelers, the Chargers, and more. I'll never forget that read. Every time I say San Jose shacks, I always think about MVP sports in Boston. Yeah, so they do it every year. I'm stating a fact, all right? Pittsburgh, Columbus. I picked the Penguins.

That's 1-1. Colorado, Minnesota. I picked Minnesota. They're down 0-2. Chicago, St. Louis. I picked the Blues. I mean, I'm sorry, I picked Chicago. They're down 0-2.

I don't know, but anyways, it's been a hell of a fucking, actually, well, wait a minute. Let's go back here. Was I that bad? Maybe I'm giving Verzi a compliment. All right, Minnesota Wild. I picked them. They're down 0-2.

Blackhawks, they're down 0-2. I did pick the Ducks. I picked the Kings. They're down 0-2. I picked, I think I'm doing all right. Look, if the Bruins win this series, and the fucking Penguins win that series, and the Flyers win, then I think I'm all right.

And then you know what, I would owe Paul Verzi an apology. Anyways, how great is the Playhouse Man? I swear to God, if you're still watching NBA Hoop, I understand it. It's a great game to watch, but come on. Why don't you watch a real fucking league instead of the NBA? Who's kidding who? If you really watch the NBA, I mean,

that is the most manipulated fucking sport. I mean, I know all of them are a goddamn business. I would say the NFL is the least manipulated. Now, I know a lot of people don't like the new rules, but everybody's got to play by them. But like, I've said this a zillion times, but everybody's got to fucking Seahawks. Goddamn Seahawks.

They just want a fucking Super Bowl. That's great. What in the fuck are the Mariners going to be in a position where they can spend enough money to compete with the Red Sox and the Yankees? Give me a break. It ain't fucking happening, although they just blew a bunch of money on Robinson Cano, Paul Verzi's man crush.

They had to fuck. What a bunch of idiots they were. Didn't they learn anything from the Texas fucking rages? You know, blow $200 million on a shortstop, and you have no money for pitching. So you didn't blow $200 million. Oh, what if it's on the other side of second base? What's the fucking blow $200 million on this guy?

So anyways, yeah, the NBA is basically, I feel like the NBA is like, it's like wrestling two years before they admitted that it's just was, all right, we're fake fighting, but we're really hurting each other. And then everybody was just like, all right, cool. We'll go with this. That's what they should do in the NBA. Just go look.

They really play in the games, but we got to make sure certain teams get to a certain point in the playoffs so we can get the ratings we need so we can all make our money. And we refuse to pay the referees anything more than we're giving them, despite the fact that an NBA official has more power than any other official in the four major sports.

Now, I just paused there because I'm waiting for all the fucking moron sports fans to be like, you're fucking bullshit. It's true. No other sport can you just sit a fucking guy down, a star player. You can sit him down in the first quarter, give him two quick ones, second quarter,

give him the, I've said this a zillion fucking times. You can keep him on the bench, the whole goddamn game. You can't keep Tom Brady on the bench. You'd have to kick him out for something. What is Tom Brady going to do? That's going to make you kick him out, huh? What are you going to penalize him for? His dimple being too deep, right?

You're going to take out some measuring things, stick like when somebody has like a two-curved stick in hockey, you're not throwing them out. Anyways, I'm not saying you can't manipulate the game, but nowhere can you manipulate it more than the fucking NBA. So I'm just saying, come on over and watch the fucking hockey. It's been unbelievable so far. And the Bruins Detroit series is shaping up to go seven games.

It's been fucking great. The game won. I mean, they just made us look old and slow. Detroit is so goddamn fast. And let me ask you this. When was the last time you saw a Detroit Red Wings team where every pass wasn't tape to tape? Like what, 1994?

I mean, they're going on like fucking 17 years. The puck movement on that team is fucking unbelievable. And Datsuk is from another planet. That goal that he scored to win game one, it was so fucking good, I couldn't even get mad. I mean, it definitely took the wind out of my sails, but I was just like, Jesus Christ, that was the thing of fucking beauty.

That backhand pass he had in game two, he's fucking incredible. So what, anyways, they basically, for those of you who weren't watching, they were just flying all around the ice. And we looked like we were like a division two hockey team trying to keep up with them. So you knew what was going to happen. All right, game two, we're going to get physical.

And that's what we were able to do. So now game three is coming up. Now they're going to adjust to us getting physical with them. It's always hard after you won a fucking game to win that next game in the playoffs, because you won the game. So you're like, I guess we keep doing what we're doing. You basically have to wait to see the other team's adjustments.

That's why I love playoff series and that type of stuff. So I know there's a bunch of Detroit Redwind fans and haters of the Bruins fans right now. You probably have your face like a centimeter away from your, Jesus Christ, how long was I in Europe? Like an inch away from your fucking millimeter, away from your recording device right now going, is he going to bring up Milan Lucic in his piece of shit?

Yes, move, absolutely. Somebody said, I would love to hear you defend Milan Lucic. He basically spared this guy. Like I think he got half taint, half ball bag. Hopefully the guy's balls, hopefully Milan's stick, he basically, he hit the sweet spot of the ball bag that causes both of your fucking balls to go sideways. Like those side impact airbags, just fucking to the side.

And then his stick came down before they clang back together, which still would definitely hurt, but when they're gonna clang back together, you'd rather be ball to ball, rather than both balls hitting the fucking wood, or whatever the fuck a stick's made out of now. That's the second time he's done that in three fucking weeks. And I can't defend it.

I think he should have got suspended. I think it's a fucking joke that that was a $5,000 fine. $5,000 fine, so basically what you're telling me, NHL, is you're telling me that Danny DeKaiser's balls are worth no more than $2,500 each. Is that what you're telling me? I mean, you're basically fucking with the man's ability

to start a family. This goes beyond the game of hockey. Look, and you know what it is? It's a new move. I haven't seen anybody do that consistently. I've seen somebody while somebody's looking at them. And it's the shaft of the stick. And they'll kind of fucking bring it up like that.

Oh, he acted it out. You like that? They'll fucking bring it up. But to have a guy skating up the fucking ice, not even looking at you, and you come there and you turn your stick in the blade up and give the guy a fucking wood uppercut to his taint and ball area.

I mean, Jesus Christ. I'll tell you, that's some new forensic shit right there. You know? Actually, that's actually the only person who knows what that bruises looks like is a guy in forensics. Actually, I got a bruised ball bag and taint one time. I don't know if I ever told you guys this story.

I was working in a warehouse, and we had a softball team. It was basically an excuse for people to drink fucking Coors Light and wine coolers. It was the 80s. The ladies did drink the wine coolers. And when I played in the league, it was right before wine coolers had just come out.

So there was actually a few guys having some out of a four pack. And it was at maybe that three week window before it closed where your entire manhood was judged if you ever had a fucking wine cooler. But there was when they first came out, Bartles and James, these two fucking cute old guys doing these silly commercials that it was actually,

yeah, let me try this, you know, that was like the Zima version of wine. So anyways, anyways, whatever, I'm on base. I'm trying to go first to third on some fucking single to right. And my boss is on third base and the ball comes in. Oh, it came in from left field. So I must have been on second base.

I never had any wheels, so there's no fucking way I was trying to go first to third on something that's left. So I'm running into second and I come in standing up and they threw the ball was maybe it was the center field because they threw it to the outside of third base. So he's basically, he's reaching over on the, into foul territory and he backhanded, backhanded. How did he do it?

He backhanded it and then swooped up to try to tag me. And I came in standing up and he fucking with the ball in the web of his glove went fucking for whap to my fucking undercarriage. And I remember standing on third base, waiting for the paint. You know, like it didn't happen at first. And then immediately I'm thinking of that Eddie Murphy bit that he did on one of his specials

where when you get hit in the balls so bad, there's that delay and then the, yeah. That's usually a medium hit. If you get hit in the balls really bad, you just go and you go down. But if there's that, there's that light to medium hit where you get hit and there's a delay in the panel, the penalty, the pain.

I don't know, Eddie Murphy did a fucking phenomenal bit on it. So anyways, and it never came. And I'm standing there and I'm sitting there waiting for people to start giving me shit to be like, dude, you just got hit in the balls and you didn't feel any pain. How small are they, right?

And it wasn't until like fucking like two, three days later, I'm in the shower, right? And I'm cleaning myself and all of a sudden I just fucking, I don't know how I, you know, how the fuck do you look at your taint? I don't know, I was washing my ball bag and I saw a little bit of color, right? I looked down and I swear to God,

the back half of my sack right to the taint was like popsicle purple. All right. And I didn't even feel that. So I can't even imagine what fucking poor Danny Dakar's his ball bag and fucking taint look when he took a piece of lumber. I mean, it's just completely, and I'm gonna say this,

Milan Lucic, he had up until this point, other than just the haters that don't like him because he's a classic power forward that can score goals and beat the fuck out of anybody on your team if he chooses, right? And I don't want to hear any of you guys going like, oh boy, he backed down, he backed down the fucking, who the fuck was the goon the Canadians had back in the day?

He was actually one of the, I shouldn't say goon, he was one of the, he made it in our form. Charles, George LaRocque. He's like, why doesn't he fight that guy? And it's just like, well, okay, we're trying to win a hockey game here, stupid. So we're supposed to have a fucking all star square off with the goon, okay?

Keep calling him a goon. Square off with the goddamn artist of fighting, fighting a martial artist on skates. He's supposed to fight this guy, all right? I'm not saying he would have won, but he could have held his own. He's a fucking big guy, but he's risking injury and he's gonna be sitting in the penalty box.

We don't have him for five fucking minutes and you don't have George LaRocque, it's stupid. It's fucking stupid. That's like people yesterday will give me shit on Twitter asking why Charer didn't fight that guy that he was a foot taller than. That guy was trying to goad him into dropping the gloves so he sits in the penalty box.

And anybody who fucking says that Charer's a pussy because he didn't fight that guy, you're a fucking moron and you don't understand the game. I don't have to care how many fucking games you watched. So Daniel Charer, arguably, still the best defenseman in the league. If not, he's top two or three.

So he's gonna drop the gloves with a forward and then go sit down and maybe get an extra two. We're an entirely different team when that guy's in the box. You're a fucking moron. You saw him laughing at the guy going, all right, you drop him first. Even then, that would have been stupid.

So anyways, Lou Cheech, he only had one bad incident as far. And granted, I'm also prejudiced because I'm a Bruins fan, was when he fucking took a run at Ryan Miller. I hope I'm getting these names right, dude. I'm still a little jet-like. That didn't sound right when I said it.

Reggie Miller, Ryan Miller. So he had that one. Everybody has their one. I got pissed and I got far stated, blah, blah, blah. But now he's got that and he's got two sparrings of the undercarriage. So I think for Milan to get his rep back, he's gonna have to be like Lady Bing

for the next seven years. But I think that those two are gonna, they're gonna haunt him for a while. You can't fucking do that. You can't do that. And that's a goddamn shame that the NHL said that poor Danny DeKaiser's fucking balls are only worth $2,500 each.

I mean, come on. Those guys at pawn shop would have given you more fucking money for those. And those guys don't pay shit. Hey, can I get 2,500 for my balls? And then that bald-headed guy would be like, he'd be like, how much do you really want? 2,500 each, you cunt.

I hate that everybody's a pussy on that fucking show. When he comes walking in, you come in with whatever you got and he's like, oh yeah, that looks great. What do you want for it? No matter what you say. Can I get one cent for this? He's like, how much do you really want?

He's fucking joke. That's what I want. Fuck oh, now it's two cents. Anyways, that's why I stopped watching that show. There's something about the way that they do that that I don't enjoy. Yet, I can watch fast and loud and I think it's absolutely fucking hilarious

watching Richard Rawlings bust those people down. There's just something, I don't know, the way he does it, it's so goddamn funny. Have you guys watched any of the new episodes where he went up and he met some guy named So-and-So, Six Pack, Magoo, whatever his fucking name in the middle of Minnesota? And the guy's shit-faced and he gets Richard's buddy,

literally a jar of moonshine that that guy starts drinking. I forget what the fuck they were, what were they trying to buy? Oh, a 57 Chevy. Is that what it was? Was that the one with the dent in it? I think he got it from that guy. So he's trying to bust the guy down to like 1,500 bucks

for this and it is a hunk of shit but it's a 57 Chevy so he knows that he can flip this thing. And this guy's hammered and he wants 1,800 bucks and Richard won't go above 1,500 so the guy breaks out some dice and they roll the dice on the hood of the car. I mean, right there, I mean, it's just, come on. That's fucking America right there.

By the way, he lost and he had to pay him 1,800 bucks but still he got a 57 for 1,800 bucks. It was a good, I'm totally on a tangent here. So anyway, so there you go, Detroit Red Wing fans and everybody else. And I want you to remember this. All right, you myopic cunts. When somebody on your team does something filthy,

don't be that douche in the sports bar who just blindly defends your fucking team. If somebody on your team does a piece of shit move, you gotta call them. You gotta call it out and say it's a piece of shit move and that was an unbelievable fucking piece of shit move. He should have got suspended and like, come on. My balls are worth more than 2,500 bucks each

and I'm not in the playoffs, I'm not even in the league. I play pickup hockey, okay? And if you fucking hit me in the nuts, hard enough. All right, when I go to sue you, I'm not suing you for five grand. All right, so there we go, there we go. We are well into the podcast here, the podcast. Oh, oh, hey, Billy Redface.

He's got to do some stand up comedy here because I have not done any stand up comedy since I, I did the, the all in, I hosted the all in tour down it. And so I'm going to shake the rust off. I got a bunch of shit I want to talk about because I'm doing some gigs this week in Portland, Oregon. Mont, not Oregon, Portland, Maine, sorry. Mont Pillier, Vermont, and Albany, New York.

I believe that those are the three gigs I'm doing this week and I could probably go to my podcast, my website, maybe get that information for you. I could probably do something like that and be organized but then again, then if I did that, it would not be the Monday morning podcast. Now would it? Speaking of podcast, the wonderful all things comedy

podcast network that me, Al Madrigal and some friends of ours have started. We actually, we got some new people that are coming aboard. Doug Stanhope's going to be coming aboard. We got the, and we got Dean Edwards hosting the, the Father Muckin, the Father Muckin protocol. How do you not listen to that podcast? The Father Muckin protocol where he talks about the do's

and don'ts and what's been done. All right, if Dean Edwards name sounds familiar, that's because you've seen him on Colin Ferguson, SNL, cast member and now an MTV twos hit the guy code. He also does spot on impressions. He does Eddie Murphy, Bernie Mac, Don Cheadle, Chris Rock. He does a good impression of me. Check it out at the all things comedy network,

the Father Muckin protocol. Actually, I don't know if I was supposed to announce Doug Stanhope yet. I probably just fucked that up. But there's rumors that he's coming aboard. How about that? Little teaser. All right, let's read a little more advertising

then we'll get into the question for this week. Oh, also check out all things comedy. Tom Sigoura's new special, completely normal. It's fucking hilarious. And on, and for those of you who live out in LA, the next all things comedy, comedy show out here, the thing that we do every month so we can pay for our studios

is gonna be at the Bootleg Theater. And yours truly will be on it along with Neil Brennan and a host of other all things comedy people. And we're bringing the lumber that night. So come on down. I think the tickets are like 15 bucks. Help us pay for the studio so we can keep, we'll make you laugh.

There you go. All right, stamps.com everybody. When you think about the, oh, and by the way, that shows April 29th. Oh, my dog's dreaming. Listen, my dog's dreaming. Did you hear that? Oh no, she's not gonna do it.

She just went, I wonder what they fucking have nightmares about. I think they're just like us. Like they just know what they know and they just fucking, they just have nightmares. That fucking thing sleeps all goddamn day. My dog's been jet lagged since I got it.

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I use stamps.com to send out all my t-shirts, all my posters, all my DVDs that for some reason I'm still trying to sell after shows. And if I can use it, anybody can because I'm a moron. Right now, use my last name Burr for this special offer, no risk trial, plus a $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale

and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait, go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that stamps.com enter Burr. All right, and lastly, but not leastly, Dollar Shave Club, everyone. Nothing feels better than that first shave

with a fresh blade, right? Well, some things do, but they involve lubricant. Other than that, it's smooth, it's closed, and the blade is as sharp as it's ever going to be. It feels fantastic. But thanks to the big-shaves companies, ridiculous prices, you can't afford to use a fresh blade every week.

Listen, I wanna get involved in your money, but a lot of you can't. So you drag that dull-ass blade across your face for two, three, 10 weeks? Who knows, depends on how broke you are. Why do you do that to yourself? Jesus Christ, Bill, is there a solution? Maybe because the only thing more painful

than shaving with an old blade is shelling out 30 bucks for a pack of new ones. It's a complete ripoff. Well, if you wanna enjoy a fresh blade, fresh pack of blades every week, but you don't wanna take out a second mortgage on your house there, you gotta join dollarshaveclub.com

for just a couple bucks a month. Dollarshaveclub.com ships the highest quality blades you can get right to your goddamn door, all right? Seriously, only six bucks for the best quality blades you can get, so every week, yours truly, I can pop in a fresh blade and treat myself to an amazing shave. It's incredible, it's long overdue.

Thank God for dollarshaveclub.com. You get amazing quality blades in the mail for a couple of bucks and you treat yourself to a brand new blade every single week. Aren't you worth that? Isn't your face worth that? That guy's balls are only worth 2,500 a whack.

Can't you treat your face to a little bit of luxury? Hundreds of thousands of guys have upgraded their shaving with dollarshaveclub.com, and you know what, I'm one of them and I'm loving it. Now it's your turn, shave time, shave money, dollarshaveclub.com slash burr, that's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr, okay. All right, let's get into some of the emails

here for this week. All right, caught cheating. Hey, they have freckles to clown. I'm a married guy in my mid-30s. I don't want to bore everyone with the details, but I recently got caught cheating on my wife with a 25-year-old lady. The affair went on for about four months,

and the truth is I really started to like this girl. After getting caught and spending a few nights in a hotel, my wife graciously suggests that we work on our marriage and try to put this mess behind us. We have two small children, so all logic points to me agreeing to get the help we need and to move on with our marriage. The only problem is that I can't get this other girl

out of my mind. These women are two polar opposites of each other. My wife, a professional, more conservative woman, and the other girl is a 25-year-old party girl. I know what the clear answer is, but how do I snap out of this and put this other girl out of my mind? All right, this is a very simple one, sir.

First of all, your wife is a saint. All right, that she's gonna take you back. And I'm not judging you. All right, I am a man, we've all been there. All right, she's a saint that she's gonna fucking take you back. All right, so you gotta treat her like that one. And secondly, what do you do?

How do you get this girl out of your mind? Easy, you wake up in the morning, you walk into a bathroom, you close the door, and you'll rub one out to her, and then you get on with your fucking day. All right, go in there, close the door, rub one out. When you're done rubbing one out, it's just gonna hit you. What am I, out of my fucking mind?

Listen to how you describe, you know, these women, they're two polar opposites. My wife is a professional, more conservative woman, and the other girl's a 25-year-old party girl. Why don't you just say it? Your wife is the kind of girl you marry, and this other girl's a fucking whore. All right?

Dude, it ain't, it's not worth it. Just fucking, just get it out of your, I'm telling you. If you're any sort of an intelligent human being, the second you rub one out, you're gonna be thinking, I don't wanna call that other girl, what am I, a fucking idiot? You're gonna look at your kids. What the hell was I thinking?

All right? Other than that, if you don't, you're an idiot. All right? Because this is what's gonna happen, sir. You're gonna lose your wife, your kids are gonna hate you, you're gonna lose your house, you're gonna end up on a futon in a studio apartment, and that 25-year-old party girl's gonna move on

to somebody else, and you're gonna be left there with your dick in your hand. So, both scenarios, you end up with your dick in your hand. Would you like to do it in a four-bedroom house, or a fucking studio apartment with empty Chinese food containers all around as you cry yourself to sleep, wondering what the fuck happened? Jesus.

I gave him the lumber there, didn't I? Those little loot sheets there. I gave him the fucking stick between the balls there. Um, all right, next one. I am a hideous human being. Dear Bill, I'll be straight to the point. I am 25 years old, and I have been a closet homosexual for as long as I can remember.

Well, dude, you're gay, so you were gay if the second you were born. That's like me being, I'm a straight as long as I can remember. I guess you've been in the closet, is what you're trying to say. I don't know, you confuse me. Maybe you're right.

Maybe this is another example of me being dumb. Maybe I've read the sentence wrong. Who knows? Who cares? Let's continue. Sentence number three. I come from a strict Asian immigrant family, and my parents would commit suicide

if they found out about my orientation. You know, I got scared when I saw the first, you basic, you know, orientation, if you take off the shun and put the L there, that was the word that I thought Oriental was coming on, and I was gonna get in trouble here. Therefore, I've been committing petty crimes for the past few years to get into jail

so I could pursue and nurture my homosexuality. Fuck you. Fuck you, I'm calling bullshit. I'll answer this, but I'm calling bullshit on this one. But there is something for, I gotta tell you though, this is a very unique lie. So this could actually be true. You know what, I'm gonna go with this like it's true,

just in case it is true, and I don't wanna be yet another person turning my back on this person. All right, so here we go. Recently, I was locked up after I took three tabs of acid, and I don't really remember how I got into the can when I became sober. During my trip, I saw 1,000 dog bites.

Oh, when you were tripping, you saw 1,000 dog bites at me from every direction, and it was the worst drug experience of my life. That's why I wasn't surprised when I woke up in jail. Anyway, I was quite relieved to be away from society until eight hours later, I was released by my parents. The cops called them while I was tripping in jail. My question is, if it's better to be in jail happy

and away from society, or an unhappy individual that satisfies his parents and social... Oh, if it's better. Dude, what are you doing? If this is actually true, come on, man. You gotta be who you are, all right? And I think every day, I don't know where you live in the world,

but every single day, I just feel like it scales at tipping in the more enlightened, favorable direction. And you know what? You can become a part of that tipping of the scale. Seeing that kid who's going into the NFL, when he talked about, I read that story how when he finally came out to his teammates

and he felt like a cinder block came off his chest, I know the feeling of carrying something around. I don't know to that fucking level. So, I don't think you're gonna regret it, all right? Your parents aren't gonna fucking kill themselves. It might take them a while to come around, all right? But if they don't, you know what, fuck them, okay? I think they will,

because at the end of the day, you're their kid, all right? But what the fuck do I know? But at the end of the day, every kid at the end of the day has to make a break with their parents on some level where your philosophies do not line up with theirs. And if you're truly gonna pursue what's gonna make you happy in life,

there has to be the cutting, the metaphorical cutting of the umbilical cord. And you have to be like, you know what, fuck them. I know when I was a little kid, to me they were gods and I wanted their approval. And at the end of the day, I now realized that they're human beings and they have their flaws.

And what they want me to do does not fit in with what I wanna do. And if you're not hurting anybody, which you're not, dude, what do you think? You think you're gonna go to jail and find love? I mean, you're not exactly going with some healthy fucking people. That's like, that would be like,

if a woman wanted to find a good boyfriend and she fucking went to a place where guys were locked up for abusing women. You know what I mean? Those are some, yeah. You can find a better boyfriend than that. Just go to a gay bar, I would say. You know, or whatever.

I don't pretend to know what the fuck, that's bad. That's like me saying to a woman, hey, you wanna meet a good guy, go to a bar. Whatever, we've reached the end of my intelligence on this topic. We probably did about five minutes ago, but I'm too dumb to realize it. But dude, if this is real, I'm treating it real.

Although it's so fucking crazy, I don't, I don't, I don't know. Don't do that, all right? If this is actually true, I'm choosing to believe it. Don't fucking do that, all right? For the love of God. Just sit him down. I don't know how you would do it.

All right, you just gotta sit him down, just say it. Just get it out there. And then you said it, and then it's out there. Yeah, you know, I don't, I don't want to do it after that. You know what, why don't you go meet a gay guy? I'm sure he can fucking give you some advice. Why are you asking me? Why am I yelling at you?

I got frustrated, because I don't have the answers. I feel bad for you, if it's true. All right, I hope it works out. Don't fucking go to jail, all right? Being gay is great. You're fucking in great shape. You got all this disposable income. And wherever you're living,

you're making the fucking property value go up. It's a lot of advantages. You know? Anyways, let's plow ahead. Where are we, 54 minutes, okay? X won't sell house. Dear Bill, big fan, met you and Jacksonville a while back. I have a quick question for you.

My ex-fiancé and I were together for four and a half years. Why the fuck did you buy a house with somebody you're not married to? All right, that doesn't help you. But for anybody listening, do not buy a house. Do not live with somebody. You're not gonna marry. Do not buy a house with somebody.

You're not gonna, if you're not married, don't do that shit. Anyways, during the relationship, she remained loyal while I was deployed to the Middle East. And upon my return, I used my saved up money to buy a house with her near the beach. Oh my God, if this fucking woman is gonna somehow make a claim to your house

that you bought with your serving for our country, putting your life on the line money, this would be a new level of whoredom. Is that a new word, I think? Whoredom. All right. That might not even be, I know it's a new word, but that might not be the proper usage of it already,

which would be very apropos for the type of fucking moron I am. All right, hang on a second. What the hell am I? Okay, it was her dream house. And I felt that if the deployment didn't ruin us, that nothing would. Well, I was wrong.

We decided to split and I tried to be amicable. Did I say that right? And let her keep the house? If she could pay me the closing cost of about eight grand. This is what guys do. They just wanna cut bait and fucking leave. Women got that fucking, they burrow in. She agreed.

All right. Why did you do that? She agreed and I moved. You bought the fucking house? Did she kick in for it? Maybe I'm being too hard on her. I don't know. She agreed and I moved back home to New Jersey

to start a new life. It's been nearly a year and she has stalled every effort to get this resolved. When a contract was finally in place, she decided it needed some amendments to protect herself that basically left me with less money than we agreed and getting her a house worth 150 grand for 8,000 bucks. Dude, I swear to fucking God.

If I read one more of these fucking stories, all right, if you're some fucking woman, all right, and you host one of these shows where you're always talking about the shit that men do, how about you balance it out? The way I balanced it out, saying that Lucic did a piece of shit fucking move. Why don't you bring this shit up?

This is ridiculous. He goes, I threw out the contract and contacted a realtor to list the house. There you go. She's refused to sell and her name is on the title because I'm a fucking idiot. Long story short, after I threatened a lawsuit, a mysterious man who called himself a family friend

emailed me and asked to act as the facilitator for the deal between the two of us. My ex, dude, don't give into that. My ex has not been involved since, and this guy is a real cunt who is only out for her. My cousin who's a lawyer is guiding me through the process, but I need some advice from you on how to resolve this issue.

I just found out that the family friend is my new ex's new boyfriend. I could have told you that. My question is, how do I let them know that I know? I'm like a serial killer who needs to be caught, what? I'm like a serial killer who needs to be caught her man. Caught here, man, what? Typo there.

I can't resist them thinking I don't, I guess no anymore. I thought a nice joke about her having herpes would be a good start. I joked that she was too selfish to even give me that. Any feedback or advice on the podcast would really be appreciated. I usually say cut bait, but fuck that.

Fuck that. Fuck that. You have two options here, and I don't wanna tell you what the second one is. The first one is, well, you have three. Fight this, which I would walk away from it, which I wouldn't. And number three would involve a convenient accident

that happened to the house. But even then, then she'd probably fight you for the, ah, okay, they'd figure out you started the fire. Don't, don't, I shouldn't even brought that up. Listen, this is what you gotta do. You just gotta accept the fact that you're in for a long fight here and that lawyers are gonna get most of the money,

but that bitch is not gonna get the house. Now, to go that route. Oh, God, I don't wanna tell you to quit. But my world, I would just be like, look, you want 150,000 fucking dollar houses, take the fucking house, free and clear. It cost you 150 grand to get rid of this fucking devil woman that's gonna take that new guy down.

She's gonna take that guy down. This, I mean, granted, I only heard your side of the story. All right, and I'm taking this as the truth. And if this is the truth, that that's not the, that's not, you don't want that devil woman in your fucking life. That is some evil fucking shit. Okay, I gotta walk away from the story

because it's actually making me fucking mad and I don't have a dog in the fight here. What I'm doing is I am inserting myself into the story, who I would be in this fucking story. Oh, Jesus, dude, you're young, you're young. Getting to the best shape of your life, hit on women out of your fucking league and then treat her like a fucking queen,

marry her and then walk by this bitch someday on the street. That's what I would do. All right, oh, you fucking cunt. How long to wait for sex? Short and simple. Eight off hit burr. I don't know what that means. I'm 26 and I started dating a girl.

A lady, we got to talking about doing the dirty. Oh, Jesus. And she said she doesn't want to be sexual for a while. Probably because you say, hey, what do you say we do the dirty? I mean, man, I got my fucking balls over here with a stick attached to it. And I like to, you see, per se, man was out.

My question is, how long is too long to wait? I don't want to pressure her. I want her to feel comfortable, but at the same time I'm 26, what do you think? Also, side note, what do you think about the luchis cup, I already went on that. All right, I don't want to pressure her. Dude, you don't give a fuck about this woman.

Get out of the relationship. You just want to bang her. You want to fuck her. 26, I got my fucking balls there full over here. What am I supposed to do? Oh, by the way, what'd you think about that thing that guy getting the hockey game? I'm supposed to give a fuck.

You couldn't even get through this goddamn question. Don't fucking sidetrack. This is what I do. I'd break up with her. All right, she doesn't want to have sex with you. No means no. Don't pressure her. Jesus Christ, do you want to have sex with her

while she's sobbing, you fucking weirdo? Look, you don't give a shit. That's a goddamn phone buzz in there. You don't give a fuck about this woman, okay? You don't. Break up with her, okay? And go find some woman that's going to jump on your dick because that's what you want right now in your life

because you're 26, all right? There you go. He says thanks and go fuck yourself. Same to you, sir. Same to you. Jesus, that phone never stopped ringing. Wee. Why won't it stop ringing?

It's actually my wife's phone. Hey, Nia, your phone is buzzing and it's not going to stop. It's just like the Illuminati calling where they fucking go around your, what is it doing? It's buzzing. Oh, it's your alarm. Oh, all right.

How are you doing? I heard you, Christian. Huh? I'm actually wrapping up the podcast right now. All right. There you go. That's the kind of interaction you live for. You know what that, you have to,

while you get to know the person you live with, that means I'm watching something interesting. You douche. All right. Well, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope I made you laugh at the beginning part of the week. I am going to be, why don't we look it up here?

Why don't we look this shit up here? See what the fuck I'm going to be? Where am I going to be? Oh, Billy Freckles, billburr.com. Oh, by the way, everybody, if you're thinking about buying something on amazon.com and you would also like to donate to this podcast, go to the podcast page on billburr.com

and click on the amazon banner, right? It'll take you right to amazon. It doesn't cost you any extra money. They kicked me a little, don't rain me there for sending you there. If you don't want to do it, I understand. You know, your fingers got better things to do than do it extra two clicks.

All right, let's get on with the shows here. William Burr here is going to be at the Flynn Theater, in, oh, I'm not in Montpelier, in Burlington, Vermont. Burlington Coat Factory. Come on down and get yourself a windbreaker. I'm going to be at the Burlington, the Flynn Theater in Burlington, Vermont on April 25th. April 26th, I'm going to be at the State Theater

in Portland, Maine for two shows. They added a late show, I guess. And then on April 27th, I'm going to be at the Palace Theater in Albany, New York. There you go. So please come out to the show. That's the end of the podcast. Oh, Cleo.

Get up here, buddy. Come on up here. Come on. Jesus Christ, now you won't get up on the bed. Come here. Come on, come on. There you go. What's up, buddy?

Fucking pee. Making me want to work out. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Au revoir. Something else in French. I'll talk to you next week. Go fuck yourselves.

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