Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-21-23

Episode Date: April 21, 2023

Bill rambles about the Hollywood Bowl, storage units, and strip malls. Digital Experience Tickets for the Monday Morning Podcast Live 4/23 Helix: Helix is offering up to 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at www.HelixSleep.com/BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and Just checking in on you And I'm driving I'm driving because I'm a billy busy day. Oh, there's an Amazon Prime truck That's sort of like a UPS truck. I thought they only had the Sprinter vans, and I'll look to my right There's a Dodge Ram TRX in velocity Ford velocity blue. Look at that one out That that looks like their answer to the Raptor Like we can make a really loud truck that serves no fucking purpose Unless you take it out to the desert

And go Baja racing Whatever, maybe somebody likes a truck like that. I have no idea I think my truck showing up today the truck. I don't need I'm doing my part When it comes to capitalism, I went out and bought something I didn't need strictly for an image Now it isn't something something I always wanted I Always wanted a full-size fucking pickup truck even though I have a small-sized brain. There you go

All right, can I can I just have that like I just sitting on a bicycle staring at his phone? Just sitting there is he waiting for somebody else to ride his bike with I Mean I'm in a car on my phone this guy's on a bicycle like he's taking it to the next level He hits a pedestrian does he get sued? Or does he get a pass because he's you know, he did it in a green way. Oh Billy gonna make the light. Oh Billy gonna make the light. Yeah Yeah, there's a place that's gonna go out of business soon. Sometimes you can just see You just look at the paint on the outside of a store and you're like that fucking place does not

Have a prayer speaking about not having a prayer the fucking Bruins last night. Jesus Christ. We've got our goddamn ass is whipped by the Florida Panthers You know because it's the playoffs All of these people all excited They won the most regular season games than ever in the regular season It's like it's the regular season. I've been saying this Since everybody was talking about Peyton Manning You know was a better quarterback than Tom Brady and I just say I was like the playoffs is what counts

All right, you want 500 yards against the fucking Atlanta Falcons in November Or Do you want a fucking trophy in February? So Historically speaking whoever's won the president's trophy. I don't think they really win the cup So I don't understand what all the excitement's about you got to win 16 goddamn games And we are a a fast finesse team. So Florida's gonna get physical with us. God damn it. That's what they did

They got in the locker room Came up with the Olivia Newton John. Let's get physical physical. I actually miss most of the game I'm not gonna lie to you. I went to an event last night with my wife You know because you don't just go out with your wife you go to events I went to a fashion show Swear to God there's anything That's less don't you even fucking think about cutting back in here you fucking Tesla cunt you Fucking Tesla cunt. You just think you're just gonna drive around now. That's not how it works there lady

That's right. That's right looking over your shoulder like what is Chevrolet dead Chevrolet, however you say that word There's a guy who should have stopped jogging fucking three blocks ago Jogging is got to be like the dumbest thing you could ever do It's like hey, I'm young. I have good hips and knees and feet Wouldn't be great to have the hips knees Ankles and feet of a fucking 80 year old. I think I'll take up jogging. I Will say something about that guy at least he was jogging on the sidewalk

You know something happened during the pandemic where people like they walk and they jog now in the street and Like out in the street. Oh like they're daring you to fucking hit him Oh shit now. I'm in the wrong lane. Is the Tesla gonna get me back. Is the Tesla gonna get me back Do I need to go into sport mode here? Oh, dad's going into sport mode. What's gonna happen next has he gonna start singing along to Aerosmith? Um Yeah, so I went to a fashion show last night at the Hollywood Bowl This thing for this clothing line fear of God and I gotta tell you one of the coolest events I ever went to Because I was sitting there going like it's gonna be at the Hollywood Bowl

And like they're just gonna walk down the runway like how long could this thing last and they turned it into a whole frigging show It was like cinematic. There was social commentary. It was the history of the country the whole frigging thing It was all there the whole the entire gamut of a moment Oh, he was making a left and I get to go the entire gamut of emotions And What I loved was the clothes were actually something that you could wear. I was kind of joking with With the lovely Nia last night. I was like, you know who who might have been like Like disappointed the only people who could have been disappointed, you know those people that think they're like

They're into fashion and it's just like no you just threw a bunch of shit together that doesn't fucking match. I Have on one Chuck Taylor and one wingtip shoe commenting on, you know, classism. Oh, is that what you're doing? That you would just dress like a jerk off Whenever they do that then but if you're gonna go like that bolt, you know As I sat there totally looking at like somebody who shops at hot topic, you know No matter how much my wife tried to make it look like I was also into fashion. I'm not Which we all know. All right. I am like If I didn't have kids I would I would still shop at the mall. I go to the mall. I like the mall

It's got all the stores there. I Can look at stuff. I can hold it in my hand. It isn't this shit where I gotta like You know Figure out the European size, you know, and that's the thing I fucking hate about the internet You look at something you like, yeah, I think that fits or I think that's gonna look good And then it shows up and you look like an absolute fucking jerk off and then what do you do with it? That's what happened to me. I bought one of those Mitchell and Ness football jerseys I

bought a Fran Tarkington Minnesota Viking the all-purple one, right and I got it and I was excited. He was my favorite quarterback in the 70s and and I Put it on and I look like a fucking jerk off, you know And I had that thing for years until I finally gave it. I gave it away to somebody on the podcast. I think some poor bastard that's a Vikings fan How soon before they changed that name, excuse me Vikings, didn't they like rape and pillage?

Why is there a white man with beautiful blonde flowing hair, you know, I mean the Vikings hello rape culture Anyway That's fucking trash day look at the goddamn barrels are all out Less parking less parking more barrels we got the green ones for the for the clippings We got the black ones for trash and then we have the blue ones For recycling and three different trucks come by and pick them up and then all of them are dumped in the ocean You know what those things are like the trash barrels the different colors It's like when you watch one of those those how to cook shows

You know, and there's some fucking, you know upbeat Chick with their fucking white teeth today. We're gonna make one of our favorite dishes I just love the summertime because the summer times for me means Kiwis are in season, right? And they just fucking there's that stupid fucking piano of someone who just had a a trauma less Childhood every day they were encouraged they were told that they were loved and this is just you know major chords are being played right It's a little zippy little zippy fucking tune of this fucking, you know kitchen that gets a lot of light

Right and then she comes out there and she's hot but not in a hurry way But you know she swallows and not just food, right? Sorry. I'm just saying that's that's sort of like that's That's the recipe, right? So they always have the whole thing laid out You know a little bit of turmeric a little bit of paprika and they always have them in those little fucking bowls And they go you put this in Just fucking mix it up and they got the whole the whole thing like comes together in eight minutes And it makes it feel like you know like you can do this and it's not gonna take four hours those trash barrels

They're like the trash the garbage version of one of those fucking TV shows we got our cycling over here We have our clippings to add a little zest And here we have the straight-up trash and then they dump them all in the same bowl Look at this convicted drunk driver, you know, you know a drunk driver might be a you know, somebody can't afford a car You know what? Yeah, that guy looks like he's had a rough life anytime. I see a guy in street clothes You know riding a bicycle. It's like oh you got busted. You got a DUI. You got a D. Wee Dude you hear about fucking Fitzy He was driving Smitty home over the fucking Kelly's house

He was drinking Sambuca all fucking night. He got pulled out of the truck and he got pulled out of the truck and he got pulled out of the truck He got pulled over Fucking steady was like have you been drinking tonight? He goes, what are you shit me? I'm fucking shattered Kid blew a fucking three flat Was still standing they couldn't believe it they almost let him go Because they were so impressed Anyway, I'm working my way over here. I gotta do I gotta shoot something Oh Billy Thespian here. This is an easy one though. Oh

beardless Billy though You don't try to do something a little different on camera. Who is that? Who is that? Did the Michelin man lose some weight? Who is that bald clean-shaven man? Look at that fucking old guy just walking around with his hand in his pocket His whole I've seen some things I've seen some goddamn things you fucking think you got it bad This is what I'm doing doing today, I'm gonna handle this bullshit and then after I handle this bullshit I'm gonna go gonna go fly and chop

Beautiful clear day out here. I think that's gonna be my day Not hurting anybody. Maybe grab a taco along the way Celtics up two games to none two games to nil Beat down the fucking Atlantic Hawks Atlantic the Atlanta Hawks like we should be Bruins up fucking I don't know. I think that we're gonna learn. This is my prediction. We're gonna learn a lot from that loss Because you don't learn anything when you win. It's the losses where you learn stuff. I think we're gonna learn a lot from that and then We're gonna kick the shit out of them in game three. We're gonna give me all right there Fred Do you think anybody's gonna even show up for that game down in Florida?

Like what percentage of people in Miami actually know You know that they have a hockey team, I know that they know they have a baseball team Because I think they're always going like no man, it's too fucking hot. I don't want to do that Or do they have an enclosed one? I Don't fucking know Anyway, this is this is one of the this is why I don't do podcasts while driving I'm trying to think of stuff to talk about while I'm like looking at shit all at the same time I'm on a very depressing street right now. This is one of these eyesore streets

They're pretty soon somebody's gonna come in now. There's a couple right there Fucking build new houses that are always like twice the goddamn size Underrated underrated out here one of those little bungalows You know, you don't have to buy as much shit Is everybody's fried chicken place world famous, you know, I've done a lot of traveling I don't think anybody have said hey if you haven't been to fucking Gus's I've always wanted to come to America. I actually like Gus's fried chicken. Why am I shitting on them? Look at this guy with his Ford truck. He's got some skulls and then he's got two pistons is the crossbones

10th generation step side Ford It's got the little cover in the back Jeans in the sweatshirt What the fucking I actually work for a living work boots not the Timberlands indicating that you have a new album about to drop back in the day He actually has actually not a fixed shit public storage There's a shit shell right there I Guarantee you there's nothing in there worth keeping

Getting my kitchen remodeled I put everything in storage. Oh, yeah, did you miss it? Did you miss any of that stuff? Oh, no, you know, it's just yeah the greater, you know what I missed the greater We're back to talking about cooking All right, here's a classic strip mall in Los Angeles you can get donuts vape massage dentist Or get insurance I mean, I think you can fucking handle your entire day I

Actually met somebody really cool last night and they were saying like you know what I don't like about LA you in New York You can stumble into a good meal You can't really stumble one into one out here in LA and I was like that's what I used to think just start going into these fucking strip malls these absolute eyesore strip malls and you will eventually You're gonna stumble into something like the best sushi ever had or the best Mexican food or the best auto insurance Maybe the best foot doctor Why are these fucking ambulance chasing lawyers always pointing at me?

Yeah, I'll get you your fucking money Have you been paralyzed from the neck down and you could make millions can I make money off of your paralysis? Hey you did you get rear-ended? Huh your buttocks in pain? I would like to make my fucking 15% off of your goddamn pain This actually one out here, I swear to God this this I gotta take a picture of it. It's a Cartoon of a lawyer and he's point First of all my first thought is like how unsightly is this guy that they couldn't even just take a picture of him they had a drum

you know and uh The first time I looked at it Hey first glance I thought it was Todd Barry He looks like Todd Barry if if he never did comedy I don't know I don't know what I'm talking about people. I'm just driving down the road I need to get a hands-free device like all these like this guy in this minivan next to me This guy seems to have it all figured out. What do I turn here my turn in here? You know, it's great about this

I don't have to listen to this that fucking lady going make a turn in three-quarters of a mile make a turn in 700 feet Make a turn in 300 feet turn right here It's like you don't think I heard you the first 17 times. I'm turning onto a fucking highway. Why can't you just say get on 10 West? Probably not her fault, you know, what does this say US Marine for combating for something or other? It's gotta be the spot to beg for money everybody who seems when you get on a highway out here It was a big conspiracy theory to know they're making like a hundred grand a year Somebody followed them home. He actually lives in a mansion It's true. Dude, there is just always traffic out here. Look at this shit

Where the fuck are all these people going? That's what the number one thing you say in LA Where the fuck are all of these people going? You know, not realizing that you're part of the problem Like why am I out here? I really was hoping that during The COVID That people all there you go. Look at that. There's a Ford F-250 regular Cab eighth generation not that four door stupid shit with the little three-foot bed. That's a fucking truck right there Beautiful I was hoping during COVID That

Everyone would realize how great the zoom meeting was Because no one had to get out on the road and there would be like less traffic You know, but it turned out it was more like A diet like I'm cutting out sugar. I'm done with it. I feel better the inflammation has gone down in my knees I've gotten back to running You know, I can swallow again Back to that. It's called the callback everybody But it wasn't

It wasn't What do you guys think of the mid-engine Corvette? I'm not I haven't still haven't bought into it yet What I like about the Corvette where I like the long fucking nose and it was our version of a super car now It just looks it looks European looks too fucking European to me and not only that it looks like a poor man's Like Ferrari where I thought before it had its own it had its own vibe Oh shit, I got to get off here. Excuse me. Thank you Thank you. All right Yeah, it's a little bit of a mess

Thank you. Thank you. All right Yeah, I thought it had its own vibe, you know, the nice long fucking nose Two seats, you know, basically has a back seat, but no, okay, you're not giving anybody a ride, right? The Corvette always said I need some me time. That's what I always liked about I was I feel like it's a shorter car now I don't know You know what some purists would probably say that we ripped off that old Jaguar that had that little fucking door in the back Is it the XJS is that what it is? Man, you know what I think the winter is over out here and it goes right this summer. It's already starting to look bleak

This is a weird time of year You know when it's cold out and everything this is such a beautiful city, but once once it gets hot You know what I mean? Look at that one guy one guy with a tent. It's got this whole fucking underpass to himself Maybe that's how they do it but one guy goes in if nobody fucks with them everybody else brings the rest of their tents I saw this great video the other day this guy went to Home Depot You know those guys that hang out looking for work He brought three of them to Disneyland

They had a great time and one of the guys actually said I never had a toy growing up. It's one of the saddest things I ever heard Then everybody was like right in it. Yeah, we gotta help people like that Be nice if there was more of that That's what you feel when you watch the video But then when you pull up at Home Depot you're like I don't know these fucking people I have no idea what this fucking guy did Has done he could be the greatest person in the world

Or he could have just fucking killed somebody I guess that's kind of what everybody anytime you let somebody in the house that guy needs to raise the seat on that fucking bicycle Jesus Christ he's gonna knee himself in the chin You know it's a pet peeve of mine someone who doesn't need a cane And fucking still has one anyway Look at that thing he's just like That's like someone who quit smoking and they still walk around with a cigarette because they got that fucking oral fixation Not a oral fixation in this this this week's Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast

Um Actually have no idea how much time I've done I did 14 minutes then I had to stop so I could get off the highway safely I've done 21 minutes. Well look at that look at me Look at me I'm multitasking Another thing I don't like I don't like people who just sort of have their arm hanging out the window The passenger side I feel like it's disrespectful to the driveway to the driver driveway to the driver I'm in the wrong lane hang on a second

Can I come over please Oh look at me I'm turning on Obama Boulevard He's already got a street named after him That's pretty fucking good They must have George Bush Boulevard in Houston they got to have that George Bush You know a senior and junior Like Santa Monica and Little Santa Monica

I'm gonna look that up you think there's a Bill Clinton Boulevard in fucking Little Rock, Arkansas There is there's got to be some titty bars on it that would be perfect they put it right down in the red light district He wouldn't even give a fuck he'd be like I'm surprised he didn't have it lead to an island Haven't lead to an island You know that is one of those fucked up things Bought that whole me to you fucking movement like It's like why don't they know

I guess because that was like world leaders and there's no way to crack that Because the claims people were making and God knows a lot of that shit just became accusations Like I saw people get canceled. They went on one bad date This guy goes to fucking Epstein Island allegedly like 30 fucking times and everybody's like And under seater hey played the saxophone on a talk show He wore sunglasses and he he played Fleetwood Mac, you know Come on it's Billy Oh Billy let him go

You know I've never been to a del taco I must have driven by 40,000 of those fucking things I always felt like del taco was like Like the Frank Stallone of Taco Plague it's Taco Bell like if you're gonna do like shit fast food Mexican cuisine you go to Taco Bell right at whatever Oh this is where the young kids go come at me Come at me Actually how about this educate me if I'm gonna get

A bastardized version of Mexican cuisine should I go to Del Taco or Taco Bell I'm not gonna go to either one of them Here's a person with a cane not using it also wearing a tuxedo shirt Another guy carrying a folding chair Kentucky Fried Chicken For some reason if it's cold I can eat it If it's actually heated up I feel like I'm gonna die

I feel horrible I feel like I ate a fucking I feel like I ate the Colonel's shoe All right we're getting closer here people I might have to fucking I'm gonna do the ad reads a little bit after this why don't we I'm gonna do this in segments Is that a Toyota? It is a Toyota look at that 1970s Toyota What were those Jeeps called that they had back then I don't know whatever

It's been the Thursday afternoon This is like comedians and cars drinking coffee except I'm by myself And I already had a cup of coffee Cup of coffee in the Um all right I think that's it Lakers 1-1 Lakers 1-1

Against the Memphis Grizz Are they gonna go out in the first round and then everybody on the Lakers is gonna cry Be like we need more free agents Why don't can't we buy the people off the Grizzlies that beat us Buy the people off the Grizzlies that beat us That fucking franchise Jesus Christ You know what that franchise is like like they like those evil redheaded people not the shit on my own people The LA Lakers are like those evil fucking redheads in South Carolina

Where that fucking evil ginger killed those people on the boat That's what they like they just fucking buy their way out of every goddamn problem All right, I gotta I gotta make this light Jesus Christ buddy could you fucking car be any more lime green What is that scion Actually look like a nice person in it Carl's Jr. There's another one I don't fuck with You know why too much lettuce

Too much lettuce not enough dead animal Back in the day I would go to Jack in the box I would get the ultimate cheeseburger But I didn't like the fact that they didn't put it they didn't put any ketchup on it And also their ketchup stunk if I remember correctly All right, I've had enough of me too I'll be back in a second read some ads All right, it's time for the reads

It's time for the reads All right, what do we got here? Hey this Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday I'm doing a special live edition of the Monday morning podcast tickets Will be available for all Monday morning podcast listeners to take pot and the digital experience no matter where in the world you call home Where in the world do you call fucking home? I will be answering questions submitted by viewers on the live chat April type Jesus like those aren't gonna be insulting Will you always an ugly bastard April 23 at noon Pacific standard time get your tickets for the digital experience at

www.moment.co.com Sorry slash Bill Burr www.moment.co.com slash Bill Burr All right Helix everybody Helix Helix sleep is a premium mattress brand that provides tailored mattresses based on your unique sleep preferences The helix lineup includes 14 unique mattresses including a collection of luxury models. Ooh

Is that is that golden blazoned Handles on the side of the mattress a mattress for big and tall sleepers and even a mattress made just for kids ages 3 to 12 So how will you know which helix mattress works best for you? Take the helix sleep quiz and find your perfect mattress in under two minutes and Personalize your mattress and your personalized mattress is shipped straight to your door free of charge Helix knows there's no better way to test out a new mattress than by sleeping on it in your own on your in your own home Sorry, that's why they offer a hundred night trial and a 10 to 15 year warranty to try out your new helix mattress Gross

Try it out man. Do what you do on your mattress and after a hundred days you don't like it Plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night And if your spine needs some extra TLC, they got you every helix mattress has a hybrid design Combining individually wrapped steel coils in the base with premium foam layers on top It's the perfect combination of comfort and support plus helix mattresses are American made man And come with the 10 to 15 year warranty dependent on the model. I love that I love it. We make something here other than weed and meth You got shinola and you got helix

Helix don't want to take my word for it Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and wired magazine It's even recommended by multiple leading chiropractice and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving your sleep Helix is offering up to 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners Go to helix sleep comm slash burr. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long with helix sleep better sleep Stats now Speaking of starting right now, we're gonna listen to this is this has been the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning Box podcast. Thank you so much for listening while they've been driving. Sorry for multitasking

We got a little musical interlude picked out by the always brilliant always tasteful Always wonderful Andrew Feminist and then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast We'll be playing right after this. That's it. Have a great weekend your consco Bruins go Celtics go fuck yourself Oh Oh Oh Hey, what's going on? It's bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday April 20th April 20th How you doing? What's going on? Talking to you from the road?

Don't you know? Sorry I'm in the middle of nowhere, man. I'm in fucking Chattanooga, Tennessee and I haven't seen shit. I haven't seen shit here yet I ain't seen shit here yet I'm in the middle of the southern tour here Traveling on the bus Fueling up next to truckers The whole other world man whole other world those truck drivers, you know, but you know what I only saw one real fat one

I saw one fatty, you know, one big guy was just like dude, you need to you need to start jogging some laps around your truck, man That's gotta be the hardest fucking job to stay in shape. Holy shit So one guy is fucking sitting there. He's got a dog in there You know, how the fuck do you make any time when you got a dog? I mean, you got to fucking pull over every couple hours, right? I guess you got to get gas anyways Think gotta take a shit, you know It's like you can just fucking pull it over. It's a goddamn 18 wheeler. Oh 18 Um, anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast

This is gonna be a fucked up one because I'm in a silly ass mood and I have no idea what's going on in the world right now I know that there was some refugees that floated over on some little boat Not a little boat like 700 people up. God fucking hate those stories They always skip the part two where they go. There's some bodies being seen They never talk about all that quaint from Josh shit The amount that we're treading water and got eaten by sharks Dude, you know bad a country has to be for you to fucking Take your chances doing that

This you wouldn't get me out on a fucking lake I don't I do not fuck with I go into pools I'll only in a pool all goddamn day Fuck that I wouldn't go in a pond Fuck that These goddamn people trying to cross the Mediterranean Sea I don't even know where they were coming from Jesus Christ

Now, how do you as a dictator at that point? How do you not know at that point like hey, maybe I Maybe I should ease up a little bit on the people here They're fucking They're trying to cross the Mediterranean on a goddamn Hoopty People fucking boogie boards and shit at that point you got to know You know if even if you didn't give a shit about him, you'd have to be thinking like

I think there's gonna be an attempt made on my life pretty soon You know considering 700 people just died You figured they got to have a bunch of people that loved him right Say three people loved all those people There's 2100 people that want to fucking kill me extra today as a dictator You know probably help if actually look to see which one it was The only dictator I knew in that got beaten to death by shit from auto zone Remember that guy Gaddafi

He got beaten to death with like fucking Car batteries and antennas Walking around with half his fucking uniform on That was a travesty, you know what I mean That was like worse than seeing Emmett Smith playing for the Arizona Cardinals You know that you know like when you just see like Me and Verzi talk about that Patrick Ewing when he played for like Orlando Just seeing him in that uniform

Seeing Gaddafi walking around with half his Boy Scout uniform on Begging for his life Not like I was a fan but you know It's like you gotta know when to get out of show business And that includes being a dictator you gotta know you gotta be able to feel it You gotta be sitting there going all right People are leaving this country In shit boats just to get away from me

How much longer are they gonna put up with me How much longer can I keep the facade going That I can beat everybody's ass one on one here in this country You know what I mean? I don't know man Hang on a sec let me at least have the decency for the victims To know where that went You know that's terrible that's terrible that that happened to them

But I gotta tell you it's good for the baby seals You know what I mean because that's 700 less people eating fish now And they actually fed fish What they did was tremendous you know have you guys seen that story Like there's like baby seals washing up on the ocean I mean on the ocean washing up on the beach Just because they're starving to death because the oceans are so fished out This is probably a bad thing to bring up you know when you're sitting there reading this thing

All right London rescuers grabbed scrambled Why won't this fucking thing let me select it There we go all right where did this happen It's being reported from London Mediterranean Crossing Europe To Europe from Africa Okay all right

More than 17 vessels were searching for the survivors Oh my god 70 miles off the coast to Libya Now Libya doesn't that where Gaddafi used to fucking Cut all his hits And he used to record out there Old you know the fucking Teen idol sensation out there

I gotta look this up here Libya Libya Dictator Dictator Who do you got who do you got Anwar Sadat Momar Gaddafi How the fuck do you take shit from a guy named Momar

You have to do it Momar said now fuck him He never looked like he was a badass did he He just always looked like He just that was just bad casting I'm gonna vote that guy worst like most Unintimidating like fucking dictator ever He just look at his face I don't know what he looks He just looks like

You know he looked like to me was what's his face Oh Christ what's his name Bobby Ah fuck I'm the worst I gotta get off the road The fuck is his name Ah Jesus it's the perfect fucking analogy too

It's gonna tour I'll remember it I'll remember it by the end of this Anyways I'm just saying the guy's face he looks You know what it is he looks like this guy that I know That I can't remember his fucking name This is going off the rails over here Alright anyways so we're on the southern tour here

We did Savannah the first night And just a great crowd beautiful city And you know the usual shit Me and Ian fucking Lawhead We flew out on the 17th cause we're coming from the west coast And we show up you know we don't have a vehicle We're staying out by the airport So we're nowhere near downtown Savannah

I didn't see anything in Savannah I didn't see old town I didn't see shit I always wanted to go there I never even got to it Cause we were staying way out by the airport And the bus hadn't shown up yet right So we say to the lady downstairs right First of all they fucking check in she takes my driver's license And as always just starts typing shit in

I go what are you doing She goes I'm typing in your home address And it's just like for what Well just in case you leave something Well if I leave something of value I'll call you guys I'll notice and then I'll call you guys And then you guys of course will say

You couldn't find it because it was a value The housekeeper that you're not paying shit Is gonna keep it There's no reason for you to fucking take My home address You're just gonna sell it to somebody else And make a little bit of money So today I went to go check in the hotel

And she takes my fucking driver's license She goes type in I say what are you doing She goes I'm typing in your home address I don't want you to do that She goes you don't want me to do that I said yes I don't want you to do that She goes okay How about just a zip code

And I said no And she said okay So that's what I learned today It's fucking optional Fucking assholes Just fucking take your ID Just telling these people to just start fucking Typing your goddamn address in there

What the fuck are you doing I'm renting a room Here's my credit card Here's my ID saying that's my credit card Now fuck off and give me a room You gotta know where I live Huh You fucking weirdos

I'm telling you people don't do that Don't do that because they upload it onto their shit And then it's just out there The next thing you know I don't know what If you're lucky you're just getting spammed By a red roof in Getting shit sent to you directly

If you're really unlucky I don't know what happens Somehow they fucking steal your identity Somebody shows up at your fucking house Either way it's rude And it's completely fucking unnecessary And I'll tell you right now This freckled face cunt

Is against it 100% 100% So anyways We say to the lady Downstairs at the hotel We're like so uh We walk in right

I see lawhead, lawhead sees me We obviously know we're gonna start drinking immediately And I ask Is hotel bar still open She's like now, now it is and she has closed I'm sorry You want me to go make you some You're down south, we're really flat

And I was like no that's alright You don't have to make us some, is there a bar nearby And she goes yeah there's one on our Our hair straight Alright Can you walk there from there She's like oh no no y'all Y'all can't walk here from here

You can't walk all that's too far You can't why You gonna get attacked by a wild cat or something And I was just like alright Let me look this fucking thing up And I looked it up it was like It was like a fucking barely a mile away You know

It's like what do you mean you can't fucking walk So we fucking walk over there And the mile of the walk Was getting out of the goddamn Fucking hotel area And then we just looked down the streets We see lights, we see civilization Ah you can't walk down

I mean you could do it But I mean I don't know what would happen to you So we go all the way down She didn't even talk like that I just like the southern accent And fucking annoying people from where I'm touring So we fucking head all the way down there We end up walking to this bar

There's a little band in there A guy on guitar and a guy playing drums They're both killing it Singing all this shit from the 90's Fucking tremendous We're fucking drinking Right? The only thing that sucked was

They were giving us shots of Jameson and glasses That they had just taken out of the dishwasher So the glass was between warm And kind of hot It was gross it was making me sick to my stomach But I kept drinking And I don't know what happened We just sat there laughing our asses off

We were watching some game I don't even know what the fuck we were watching The next thing you know I looked up And we were the only two people left in the place And we were too drunk to fucking walk back We didn't want to So this dude At the bar

This gay dude who was wearing a kilt For whatever fucking reason I think it was an Irish bar he gave us a ride home So that's how it started He was a great guy He came walking over And he just took our fucking beers Put them in paper cups

And he just let us drink it That last little mile on the way home And then I walked in to the hotel And I said to the lady Can you still order room service Is there any way we can order some service Up to the room Some service room service stuff

This ketchup's already closed I'm sorry y'all You want me to go outside and go kill a pheasant for you I'll cook it up, I'll bread it, I'll deep fry I'll make you some dumplings We were like nah nah that's cool, that's cool And I went over and I bought a bag of fucking potato chips I went upstairs

And laid in bed drunk And ate a bag of chips and fell asleep That's how the tour started Remember I told you guys I was gonna try to not put on any weight That's how it started That's what set the fucking tone Right, then the next day the goddamn bus Pulls up

Right The bus pulls up and we see that thing And it's just, I don't know, we've actually been doing pretty good though As far as You know I went out and I got I got some cereal, I got corn checks Right, I got some bananas

That's my breakfast And then I got some turkey, did all of this in Walmart So God knows what level of quality This shit actually is, oh my god dude Go into a Walmart, holy shit You cannot believe the loss of hope In those fucking people's eyes This fucking lady

This fucking lady When I went up to the deli I mean I was just like hey how you doing Fucking turning on the charm, hey what's going on How are you, and she just fucking looking at me She's like what do you want Just like uh Can I get a pound of that smoked turkey please

She's like Is that it I was like uh, you know Come in, you're real high, hey how you doing Somebody just fucking hit you with your attitude And you immediately got to adjust all the way down to them You know, it's like the way I lost out on the negotiations Last week on the rug, you know

And um So I go from hey how's it going deli Yeah I'll have some uh, I'll have some turkey She's like that it That it, that's what she said That it, and I was like Uh Like you know, 15 slices of cheese

You know, white cheddar White American whatever you got She's like yep She fucking goes over and just cuts it up And like I can't even tell you The way she like handed it to me Just sort of looking off into the distance Down the aisles

You know, and uh Just, ugh You know, so now, you know I'm shaking it off, right I'm getting some fucking condiments For the sandwich I got pickles, I got my mustard And I get, I get down to the booze

I realize they don't have any hard stuff So I throw in a six of fucking blue moon whatever That's the best they got here And these fucking aisles Have the nerve on a Sunday To not let me buy a six pack of beer The lady took it away from me I had it on the little conveyor belt

And she's fucking, you know, boop boop Cornjacks, boop, right Half gallon of 2% milk, boop Everything's going fine, and then she goes She goes, I can't let you have this And took it away from me And set it on the other side of the register Like I was going to lunge after it or something

I can't let you have this It's before 12.30 on a Sunday And I was just, I It's like, are we fucking adults here? Y'all, dude, I was The way they fucking treat their employees there How bad, how poorly Walmart treats their fucking employees

They're going to have the nerve To not let people Drink before noon, they should be letting those people Drink on the job How fucking miserable they treat Those damn people How do I know they treat them miserably I don't know, I've just

Heard they have They won't give me my beer, so now I'm Trashing them, that's what I'm doing I'll tell you, they got some fucking clothes in there They got some decent clothes You know, if you just adjust your ego Down a little bit, they got some decent clothes In Walmart, like you could make it work

You know, if you, if you maybe If you just fucking spend a little more money On your pants, nah, nah, nah You know what you got to, this is what you got to do If you're going to fucking go Cheap on something You can't do anything near eye level You can't get away with a cheap shirt

You know what I mean, you just got to buy a real nice shirt Then the rest of it can look like shit But you have to be charismatic to keep people looking You in the eye, because the second you start losing Your, their attention, you know And they start looking down at the guy like Why am I looking at this motherfucker, why am I talking to him Right, they're going to see your shoes and it's going to be over

And they're going to be like, this motherfucker Shops at Walmart He goes down to Wally World Shit, we all do, we all go down there To buy fucking an eight pound box of fucking Wheaties, we all do that shit But this guy actually goes down there And buys the shirts

And I know what you're saying right now Bill, why are you making fun of people Who can't afford to shop any place else Other than Walmart And there's a simple answer to that They're not in the room with me right now Okay, they can't do me any harm And I am

Unbelievably tough on my podcast I'll fucking trash anybody You know, my dream is Is that people who wear Walmart clothes Climb over the walls of gated community someday And they just start murdering bankers And heads of corporations Okay, and then in the fight

Everybody dies So then you weed out your mouth breathing Racists Okay And they're spawned And then you get rid of the guys up top And then what you got in the middle is a bunch of regular fucking people Don't want to get fucked with

They're willing to get up Go down the street, you know Sell some apples, come home Right That's what I do in my dream world I have no idea what I'm talking about How much bullshit did I just throw at you That was good 18 minutes of your life

You're never getting that back How do you feel, you're getting through the traffic When are you listening to this I'm open the volume is fine, I know the last couple of weeks Every once in a while the volume gets bad It sounds fine to me Did I just spell Libya Libya

Who's that guy from Libya I don't know who he is, he ain't from here We should bomb him Alright, let's get this a little bit of advertising For this week Oh, by the way, I gotta talk to you guys about Blake Griffin I like Blake Griffin I enjoy watching the guy play basketball

But it is impossible for me to do that When I'm sitting next to fucking Paul Verzi Or Jason Lawhead, they fucking trashed it No matter what the guy does No matter what he does, he fucking dunks on somebody Ah, the guy got there late That was more the pass Ah, he did it on some second string guy

Chris Paul does something They're fucking jerking off I'm not saying Blake Griffin is as good as Chris Paul But I mean, you know The man is wildly entertaining He is electrifying He fucking has dunked on everybody in the goddamn league Get off his back

They're acting like he's Joe Barry Carroll out there Like they wasted a bunch of fucking money That guy, he's helping to put the clippers on the map You could fucking walk up to a clippers game Before that guy came I didn't give a shit about that Darius Miles guy doing the fucking antenna thing That's the closest they ever came

To anybody giving a fuck about him Right? Billy Crystal deserves a goddamn Sports Medal of Honor For the amount of games that he has sat through That guy said Fuck the Lakers And everybody else who goes there

The clippers The guy's going, he's contrarian By the way, did I mention Did you guys have been watching the comedians yet? Fucking great show And the pilot episode That pilot episode Where they're trying to get that show off the ground

The way they did that That's pretty much almost exactly Just the conversations Putting two guys together That don't want to be together Where their careers are at A half big fucking concept A bad fucking meeting

You're talking to your manager You end up fucking doing it The way they executed that In the pilot was just, it was off the charts 10 out of 10 As far as old freckles is concerned But anyways, Billy Crystal's been going To these clippers games

I went to a clippers games At the old LA sports arena He was there The black dude from a different world Remember the guy who wore the glasses Probably had some weird name For his character that fucking killed his career Like Cockroach

You know, anytime you get one of those names You're fucking done, right? Doogie, not Doogie, he actually got out of it Jesus Christ How the fuck do you pull out of the mud? Doogie Um Urkel You're fucked, Cockroach, you're fucked

It's another one Screech, you're done If anybody is getting into the acting game I will tell you this right now If you're fucking Turn it down If your character just has a nickname You're fucked

You're fucked unless you have the The talent to start Writing your own shit And producing your own shit Then you can get out of it But your whole fucking life, you're done Right? Am I out of my mind? Ow, go fuck yourself

I don't know what I'm saying here So anyway, so I go to the LA Sports Arena It was Alan Iverson's rookie year And I went down there To watch a game And Biggie Smalls was in the crowd And that was the trip Within like five days, he was dead

On that trip and I fucking walked right by him And he sort of had Like these security guys around him But he was just sort of standing there hanging out And I remember that thinking like, wow, I guess that whole east coast west thing is West coast thing is over But anyways, Billy Crystal was there What the fuck am I talking about?

I'm getting back so last night we're at the bar And I'm sitting there trying to enjoy the game And we got into this fucking We got into like three of the loudest Sports arguments. I just remember seeing the bartenders In Knoxville just sitting there laughing at us As we're screaming at each other About shit that they didn't even care about

I remember one point this guy came up He had a Red Sox shirt on And Verzi just goes, he goes, how are you a Red Sox man down here? And the guy goes, I'm from Boston And then, you know, fuck the Yankees And then they get in this big fight And then in the end, Verzi's going What the fuck are you guys yelling at me for?

It's like, Verzi, you started with the guy and he goes, no I didn't He walked up to me and said, hey, fuck the Yankees It's like, Paul, you're not wearing Anything that says Yankees on it You started with him, this guy's wearing a Red Sox T-shirt And he's going, nah, I didn't, you know, that level drunk You are, well you just fucking

You ignore everything, all types of logic So all I'm trying to do is enjoy it And these fucking assholes They won't get off Blake Griffin's back I mean, man, man, out of my mind They go, nah, we're not saying He's not a perennial all-star We're not saying that, you know,

He's not a good player We're just saying that he should be doing more It's like, I don't know, well you just listed It was pretty fucking impressive, wasn't it? I don't fucking know, all right, let's do a little bit of Let's get back to the shit, I'll tell you this right now, man One of the most depressing places I've ever been to Is the U.S. Airway terminal

Connecting out of Charlotte North Carolina I was taking the red eye in Oh my god, the fucking humanity That I saw Oh my god, people just sitting there You know You know

You know Guy comes in with the I've been smoking fucking cigarettes my whole life You know, with the tubes up his nose Carrying an oxygen tank Somebody else sitting there, you know With a plate of nachos Right in a lap

Beautiful girl, just sitting there Killing herself, just eating poison Everybody, just poisoning themselves It was like a fight, it was like this Like this mass Suicide That was going on as I sat there in the terminal Not nobody making a fucking quality choice

Everybody just choosing Misery in the future Don't even get me started with the fucking shoes I was really, that was like going Wow, man, this is flying to Savannah Then I realized like, nah, you know Some of them are going to other places It was really depressing

You know, that's how that day You know, was coming to a close But then, you know, the wonders of the road Next thing you know I'm going to a bar and I'm with Jay And I'm getting a ride home from a gay guy in a kilt I mean, you know, you always hold out hope That it's going to turn around

If he's listening, thank you for the ride And thank you for putting the beer in the fucking paper cups It was tremendous, what a night, right? Oh, so we ended up going We ended up going out To this speakeasy, right? You know, which is, you know, it's just a fame thing Right, out of the

Key, we met these two fucking women They worked for like the Savannah PD or whatever So we all fucking head over there And we're sitting in this bar They're making some good drinks and everything And I wish I had these two ladies on the podcast Cause I was just grilling them

I was like, what is the fucking Weirdest I go, don't tell me any of the sad ones When people are calling the cops, give me the weird ones The weirdest one, this one woman told me Was Somebody said that Their neighbor was jerking off

And they could smell the semen And she goes You know, okay, so what do you mean? Like, is he standing in the window Can you see him? She goes, no, I can't see him But I can smell it I can smell it through the walls

And they had to send somebody over there So when he goes, alright I can smell it, I gotta tell you Ma'am, I don't want to start an argument here But I cannot smell any jizz You know, I think you have a wonderful Home here and maybe you ought to get some Medication

But anyways So thank you to everybody Who came out to Savannah by the way And everybody who came out to Knoxville The fucking theater I played in Knoxville I think Ralph, I said Ralphie Made did a special there and I could see why It's one of the most beautiful theaters I've ever been to

It was The Tennessee Theater Built in 1927 or 28 You know, just this unbelievably Gorgeous place where you used to go down to watch movies You know I swear to God, if I could be alive Back in the day, like

I think I would go back to when They first built a lot of these theaters that I played in Just to watch movies Knowing everybody gets dressed up It's like a real big fucking deal They had this giant warlitzer organ I forgot to look for the thing To find out where it was

They got it refurbished Sent it out to some maniac in Reno That redid the whole goddamn thing He's like the guy, I guess If you're going to have your fucking Giant warlitzer organ redone And The crowd was phenomenal

You know what was hilarious Was we were fucking On the way there Law had such a big basketball fan He wanted to fucking He wanted to do He wanted to go see The Tennessee Volunteers trophy case

See Pat Summit's You know, trophies, like women's basketball That's like how Psycho went into fucking Basketball, he is And he ended up He ended up doing this Pat Summit joke On the bus That had us dying laughing, but

Like Verzi goes, dude, you got to do that on stage J, don't do that on stage Don't do that on stage, this is like They're fucking, this is like They're female Jesus, don't do that Don't do a dementia joke on there And then, what's this, Verzi goes

He should do it, so I said, alright, do it tonight Okay, and I go, and if it fucking bombs All you got to do To save it is just, it was basically You know, she's got dementia, it's like Well, if you saw that much women's basketball over the years You know, you'd want to forget about it too, right? A silly joke

But if you say it in Knoxville, it's going to be a problem Or if there's some cunt Who blogs They'll fucking flip out about it And where my grandfather has dementia And you made me sad Monday morning podcast t-shirt, right? And then all of a sudden, there'll be a controversy

Right? Fucking baby seals starving to death Washing up on the fucking sand They're going to fucking give a shit About a joke somebody told in Knoxville So anyways, so he was supposed to go out He was supposed to go out there and just do the fucking joke And if it bombed, I'd go just say

Hey, I got to be honest with you You know, Verzi said don't do it Verzi said do it, Burr said don't do it I learned something here, next time listen to the headliner Something cute like that So he gets to go doing it And he does that shit first Going, I don't know

I'd said this joke on the bus And I don't know I don't know if I should say it The crowd's like, come on, say it Like he totally got him into it And it bugged me Because then it ended up working and then he said Verzi's right, it's like now, well once you did

The fucking UNICEF speech before the joke You know You're almost questioning their goddamn Comedy manhood About whether they're going to laugh about it or not But anyways, I'm just breaking their balls We're having a good time out here So, hey Chattanooga people, if you listen to this today

Let us know what there is to do out here I've never been here I'm just fucking cool this tour Because I've only ever been to Nashville And we actually drove up from Savannah On the bus And it was so beautiful one point going through some of these National parks

I was actually sitting up front Felt like John Madden on my way to Green Bay For a game or something I was sitting up there, absolutely Eastern Tennessee Southeast of Knoxville Fucking God's country I'm telling you

If you can just deal with them fucking hillbillies out there And you know every once in a while Somebody's going to be coming for you You know? I don't know what goes on out there I could never get needed to live out there She's a city girl, you know what I mean The way I get nervous on a subway

She gets nervous when she sees the woods So you know the deal You know, who's going to make who more miserable She's going to make me more miserable She wins so we stay in the fucking city Stay in a city in a state where we're going to be out of water In a year How funny is it that I just put

In an immaculate bathroom At my house Spent all my fucking money on it Didn't spare any expense Was already probably Not going to make my money back Because they're just going to look at it as square footage anyways And I added no square footage to my fucking house

Um But at least I had this great fucking shower You know And now we're going to be out of water And once again Nobody seems to be Alarmed by it Nobody seems to be talking about it

Like what exactly is going on You know Population Seals washing up Fucking running out of water Everybody just stay in the course I think that's the game plan I think that is the game plan

You just fucking act like everything Is fine And then one day you just take that Asteroid to the face and it's over Maybe that's the way to do it I'm starting to give in to it Fuck it You know y'all can't do anything about it

What the fuck are you going to do You're not going to do it You're going to kill yourself pig Put it on a spit You won't dig a hole We're going to cook a pig today I want to go to a fucking pig picking down here When we go to New Orleans

The pelicans are playing the fucking warriors Come out and play I think we're going to try to go to the game We've got a day off down there How fucking cool is that But anyways I absolutely love Knoxville Man And I have to get back there again

The crowd was awesome I have got to get back there for a game And I was asking them what game to go to And everybody was like go to the Tennessee Georgia game Next year that will be a good game And then this fucking old timer came up to me And he's like game you want to go to is the Alabama game

And I was just like right there Alright that's the game we're going to go to Why wouldn't I go to it That might be my goal I'm going to go to every SEC team When they play Alabama and root against Alabama Because it's just so much fun To root against those fucking guys

And scream the dream ends tonight You know why Bill Why do you give a shit about it I'm just like being a cunt I'm telling you guys I'm going to retire And I'm going to buy a house in Alabama That's my game plan, that is my exit strategy You know God willing

We still have water when I retire Somehow in LA And my house is actually worth something And it hasn't turned to dust I am then going to go out I'm going to buy me a spread Maybe eastern Tennessee You know it'll be far enough inland

That those fucking hurricanes will slow down Maybe once in a while there's a microburst And the trees lay down, but I'm inside I have a nice brick house Brick house Alright let's get to some of the questions here For this week Oh by the way

For the Thursday Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast just before Friday If you would like stuff that you want me to talk about Articles for me to read, videos, questions Any of that shit And have the hashtag T-A-M-M-P

Tango, Alpha, Mike, Mike, Papa Sorry Anyways Just hashtag it as that And I'll fucking scroll through it two seconds before I start And you'll get to listen to me read out loud Alright factory made diamonds Okay Bill this is a follow up

From Thursday clip Where you answered a question about real diamonds Verses fake ones And whether or not women should be cool with the factory made ones Please ask listeners to go back And check it out if they haven't already Alright well go back and listen to that I guess it was last week

I don't even remember talking about this shit A Big Billy dildo I was listening to your clip You replayed on the just checking Oh well from last week Oh that's why because it was a throwback clip From last Thursdays

Just checking in on your Thursday afternoon Just before Friday Monday morning podcast He said I know what this magical stone is Alright I'll tell you the name but you can choose To skip over it if you want If you don't want the secret to get out

It's called a I can't even say Moisanaite M-O-I-S-S-A-N-I-T-E It's not actually An exact diamond replica But it looks identical to everyone That isn't trained

To know the difference The good news is that your secret Amongst dudes can be safe The only way to tell the difference Is if you take it to a jeweler to figure it out If it's a dude They're not going to fucking rat you out If it's a chick well then you got a wild cut

On your hands but there's nothing you can do At that point Men who work in jewelry stores are also Cunts Because they're going to want You fake one because they know That the woman's going to go home And fucking lose her shit and the guy's going to come back

With his tail between his legs Bringing a goddamn bag of cash to buy a real one I'm going to say I can't even pronounce it Moisanaite He wrote it all basically In lower case letters so I don't know Where to accent that word

It's M-O-I-S-S-A-N-I-T-E For guys who need to buy Their woman an engagement ring For money on diamonds Just get them one of this and they'll never know That's actually a great thing too To see if you got a gold diggin' whore She actually goes down and checks it out

Like immediately to see what it's worth It's like are you already fucking leaving me What are you doing here, right? Um, alright I just bought one for my girl last week actually I looked up the exact diamond equivalent And it was between 6,500 to 7 grand just for the diamond

I paid 750 bucks The best news is that My girl is totally on board with this idea And her idea was To pocket the extra To go on a badass honeymoon Yeah absolutely and then if somebody fucking goes You know, give me a fucking diamond ring

Of your life, you just give it to him There you go It's Christ That's fucking brilliant You know what You should have counterfeit cash in your wallet too Just walk around everything fake I love this

By the way, you know made up that thing About spending 3 months salary on a ring The fucking diamond companies Of course they did, they had a whole marketing campaign Around it, so they're really Fucking you over on top of the fact That they have a fucking monopoly So they can charge whatever the fuck they want

For real diamonds, it's a total sham Anyways, just wanted to spread the word And let other dudes know That there is an alternative that makes both the girl And your bank account happy Go fuck yourself The more I hear about all of this stuff The best thing ever

Is gotta be real estate You know what I mean, you can walk up to it You can touch it, you can live in it Obviously if you got a building on it That's just gotta be the way to go You know, fucking stock market I have shares in this, oh yeah Where are they?

You got them in your pocket You know, I am a firm believer Of Investing shit That you can just end shit That you can walk up and touch But now with the diamonds, I don't know The whole diamond game

Now, if you buy into the diamond game Now, you have to hope That the people at the top The evil doers actually Keep that monopoly Cause if they don't And you get free enterprise going on there Then what do you have? You get like sprint

Starts digging for diamonds No Kia and all these other cunts And then what happens? You got a shitstorm On your hands. I swear to God People, I'm gonna buy an apartment building I'm gonna become a slumlord, that's what I'm doing I'm gonna buy apartment buildings Fix them up, rent them out to people

And then I'm gonna slowly Back out of this business I want to retire the way Sinatra did The first time. That's my goal I don't know if I'll be able to do it But I would love the way he did it He's singing this song and he just goes Tell me while I disappear

Was the final long line of the sign Jesus Christ, the final line Of the song The final long of the sign The final line of the song There we go. And it's for that Pat's so much joke. Look at me I'm already losing my mind here

And he just stepped out Of the spotlight If he fucking left That way That's even better than if Jordan left And he hit that shot against Utah I know I've already talked about this But I am obsessed with how to get out

Of this business now As I've hit the middle part of my career I feel. 23 years ago it was 23 Almost 24, 23 years So now I'm gonna be 70 Just like that. Boom. Fucking over What am I gonna be doing, huh? 70 years old

You're either a legend at that point And they put you out to pasture In fucking Vegas Or on cruise ships. But either way Either way, they're like You just stay right here there, Grandpa And we'll bring the people to you Fuck that

Fuck that I'm gonna buy I'm gonna become a slumlord I'm gonna buy A bunch of fucking apartment buildings In the middle of nowhere And I'm gonna buy A white on white suit

Put on some weight and just look like A red-headed fucking boss And I'm gonna walk around a white hat You know? And a big cigar that I never light That's what I'm gonna do There's actually some people Who had a great fucking retirement out of this business

The Smothers Brothers And what they told me about the Orleans casino Both of those guys They started their own winery And They have their own vineyard and all that type of stuff And they got that thing going up where It was making enough money

Dude, you know what's so cool about them? When they retired, they didn't even tell people they were retiring They just did their last show and they just left Total fucking class act No begging, no hat in the hand No fucking crying, no being broke They had their money They had a good fucking time

They were done with it, they left And now they're sitting on a fucking vineyard Jesus Christ, you fucking tell somebody Let me ask you this What's your guys' game plan? What's your fantasy? My fantasy is that I somehow Fucking, I don't know

Have enough money in real estate Rental properties or something I don't know, I'm just spitballing here Right? That you're actually making as much in rent As you were doing your job So then you can quit your job And just seamlessly walk over to that

You can just be like, yeah, I'm not working anymore You know, you got all your buildings paid for You got all your things rented Everybody's cool, I know this isn't gonna happen This is a fantasy And then the check just comes in, right? You fucking, you go live In the middle of fucking nowhere

Where it's cheap as hell, no property tax No nothing Get a giant ass fucking TV All the sports packages, right? Get yourself a fucking Book on how to eat Vegan or some shit, so you stay in shape I'm telling you

And then every night You just get shitfaced Be fucking tremendous Tremendous It's what I want to do, I gotta do it like that I can't be like these athletes that I see That go around acting like jerk-offs Their whole career and they're like, oh fuck

I'm in my final contract What do I do? And then they just keep playing And playing and playing Fucking try on half the fucking Jerseys in the league That ain't gonna be me You know, just like Paulie And good fellas, that guy's gonna die in jail

Okay, that ain't gonna be me That ain't gonna be me, hey, smart enough, right? I hope that didn't hurt you as I could just did mine All right, let me get on to the next thing here All right, ditched by a lady All right Dear old Billy Freckles I had a date tonight with a lady

And the plan was to go get dinner And then see a concert She was really cool and we went out to a good restaurant near my apartment Dinner went well I was making her laugh, etc And after I paid the check, I told her I had to use the bathroom She said she would She'd wait right outside the restaurant

So I went in and did my thing But when I came out, I couldn't find her I had only taken a piss So it's not like I was taking a long time Taking a long time in the bathroom I called her And it went straight to voicemail Then I waited around and texted her

And she said that she had to leave Because her friend's boyfriend Had just broken up with her And that she needed to go back to the apartment right away Oh Jesus Christ, really? She couldn't wait to say goodbye to you I asked her if she couldn't have at least told me Before she left

And she said she was sorry To go see a concert next week Which we had planned before We planned tonight, but I think it's just going to be really awkward And I don't want to And I don't know what to do Because I'm pretty sure she just ditched me I would love to hear

Your Boston accent, give me some advice Thanks and go fuck yourself Yeah, you either got ditched Or she's unbelievably fucking rude But you can't hit your wagon to this There's no way you're putting a baby in that The fuck, you have a baby And all of a sudden she squirts it out

And you're like, oh my god, look at it honey Honey Honey! She fucking takes off again Yeah, you can't have that I don't know what her fucking deal is But all I need to do right now Right now, okay, you and this woman

It's fucking over, okay And your best hope If you still want to bang her Is to stick by your guns That you don't put up with this shit And just be a matter of fact Just say no, that was really rude And it was also very immature

If you weren't having a good time You should have just said something No, no, no, my girlfriend And then on top of that, you lied to me I'm actually glad that all of this happened Because I was able to see That you're not the kind of person That I would want to be in a relationship with

You know? That fucks with them Wait a minute Alright Next thing you know, she's riding you These are all just fantasies people I don't know if this shit's true Alright, so wait, does she have one ticket

And you have one ticket? I don't know what the math is on the ticket You said we both have tickets to go to the show Well, here's the deal, if you have both the tickets Then you just take somebody else Yeah, and I don't even think you're over A phone call either, do you? Or maybe you do

Yeah, maybe you do, I would just call And say, listen, I'm taking somebody Don't do that If she has the tickets Keep them Keep them Yeah, I don't This thing is over dude

You don't need me You know what the deal is, it's fucking over I gotta be honest, it's fucking hilarious That she just left, I've done that When I was young and immature I did that one time I met this woman and she wanted to go out And go see this band

And so we went out there And next thing you know She was up on the stage dancing While the band was playing Pointing at the crowd as if she was in the band And I didn't have the emotional Maturity to wait until she got off

The stage to be like Yeah, I don't know what that was It seemed like you weren't joining it But You know I'm gonna go And you know I just left and I'll tell you this

I regret doing that because I think it was really mean Of me to do that to her If that's how she likes having a good time And likes going up there And dancing in front of a band That she's in, you know In front of a group that she's not in Pointing at the crowd as if she wrote the song

That's what the fuck she likes to do Then you know I guess, you know, I should have let her do that I was At the very least, I should have been a man Enough to fucking walk away So Trying to think

I've had a woman do that to me too I had a woman one time, was totally into me It was over, it was a layup She was gonna bang me and I went up And I had a bad set and I got off And she was gone I bombed So bad

That a woman who was willing To have sex with me Thought better of it and this is the best part It was a festival and it was only A 15 minute set In 15 minutes 15 And I have to think that halfway through my set

Because I got off stage she was gone So about 7 minutes in She did a 180 and just fucking walked out So Back to me, it always comes back to you Alright, crime that pays Bill, if you could get away with any With a major crime

Which would Which would you be more proud of A bank heist, an art robbery, an assassination Of an evil world leader Ah, assassination all day long That was the first thing I thought of That was the first thing I thought of That if you went to like the last supper

Of every douche making people's lives miserable You know Pretending like they don't have Those people who buy up patents So we can't get Energy Electricity and gas and all that shit Easier people who just fucking get in the way

Of that progress, rape the environment Fuck over poor people, all of those They all go to the same meal Alright And you just fucking I don't know You're behind like some photo or some shit With one of those

Guns that they have on like a fucking I don't know You ever see that one in Argo when they went down The runway and they had that machine gun on that fucking Jeep, whatever, an M60 Southern people are tearing their fucking hair Right now because they know exactly what it was An M68, man, an M60 in years

It's an M68 at this point, buddy Um And you just fucking mow them down You just mow them down and it's over And then all of a sudden And then what, Bill, then who's gonna run us No, it's not gonna be me, then somehow Decent people all take those jobs

And make the right decisions And everybody's fucking chill and there's enough for everybody And everybody can relax Right That's what I would do Um, I would never do an art robbery because Uh I don't have an appreciation for a lot of it

Especially if it's just a bunch of scribbles You know, if it looks like a sleeve tattoo Or yeah, somebody kinda Cull it in your arm there, buddy And kinda see a bird Spider web, I don't know what else is there Um, a bank heist I don't wanna do that because

That fucks with regular people's money You know, art robbery Then you know, next thing you know, a butler's out of a job Yeah I probably shouldn't have said that I assassinated an evil world leader Probably put me on some fucking list You know Just added to the fucking audio

That they have in the fucking basement of the Pentagon Um, yeah It all ends up, you know You just end up in a worker camp I think that's how it goes from here on out Alright, roll the dice, dear Bill My wife has a friend who we've known for a long time And it happens to be very attractive

Let me read this again My wife's My wife's, you have more than one wife here, buddy My wife has a friend Who we've known for a long time And it happens to be very attractive Okay, so you've already rubbed one out to her Possibly thought about her while you're banging your wife

Okay, the other day Over a couple of drinks with my wife She admits that she wants to experience a threesome And she wants it to be with us Oh Jesus Oh Jesus

Oh my god, here we go Here we go Jesus, we should have closed with this question This is a closing bit right here When my wife first tells me this You can imagine my excitement But then she adds the kicker Her friend

While confessing Her desire for a threesome Adds that she has gentle little herpes Bum-bum, ba-dum Bum Wow I did not see that left turn coming But she swears

That it is dormant And we're not at risk Well, how do you think she got it? Oh, that's such a stupid thing to say Maybe she fucked some guy You always have to fucking look out for the women in these Maybe she fucked some douchebag Scumbag guy, have you seen that fucking

They got a billboard out in LA It says, do you trust him? And there's a guy laying there with this shifty look On his face with this woman looking at him HIV positive You know type of thing They would never have a billboard, do you trust her? It's unfucking believable

Like you know I saw one time one of these magazines Right? It says Reasons women cheat Top 10 reasons women cheat And the top 8 out of 10 were because It was something the guy was doing It's fucking unbelievable

Blowing ahead I am close to your age so I ask you Do you roll the dice and go for it Knowing that this may be your last shot of the threesome Or do you play it safe and politely decline the offer? Thanks and go fuck yourself In parentheses With protection

You can't do that You cannot do that Because right now you're gonna have a fucking threesome Even if you did that it's gonna make it weird Between you and your wife As much as you're gonna try to be cool You'll be cool with it She won't be

On some level she won't be You fucking moaned a little too much With the other one it's gonna be a fucking shit show Alright and then on top of that You're gonna be reminded once a goddamn month That you did it Fuck all of that Alright

This is the deal If your wife is willing to fucking do it Why don't you do it with somebody who's You know what I mean Who doesn't have any prior convictions here Get somebody with a clean slate But I don't know

I'm sort of a firm believer that you can't do that with your wife You do that with somebody That you're not gonna be married to I just think You know I don't know You ever see that shit when people like fucking drink too much water And they die Because like the walls of their cells

Like burst open like that's what I think happens When you have a threesome With your wife and somebody else And it's basically the Lining to your relationship it's fucking It's split it's done It's over right and then it becomes Then her next thing's gonna be like

Well let's do it again this time Can we do it with a guy And now I'm gonna do it with a fucking guy Because there's nothing in it for me You know what I mean What the fuck Well there was nothing to fuck you You enjoy it, women can enjoy other women

You know Then you get into that Well that's a double fucking standard Ah go suck a dick already Leave me out of it I'll be downstairs You know you're just walking into that whole fucking world Jesus Christ But you know you gotta give it up to this woman

For just being totally up front Look there's something going on The fact that you're excited by this And not shocked and that your wife Is willing to do it You guys all seem like This is all pretty loosey goosey here I don't know dude even with protection

They say you can still get it Dude fuck that I don't know I wouldn't do it I would politely decline And then ask for references If she has anybody she knows That doesn't have her pieces wants to do it I don't know what to tell you everybody

I would say don't listen to your dick What would you tell a friend of yours If they were in that position Oh my god I guess the question I haven't asked Is how hot is this woman Is it worth the risk I don't know you know what it is

I just I can't get beyond like What is the conversation afterwards Okay You guys bang First of all do not bang In your own fucking house Okay you want to walk away from that crime scene You understand alright

But then you gotta be thinking like Okay then you get in the car Now fuck that you gotta have that You know That awkward goodbye Like oh yeah that was That was fun hopefully it went well Hopefully you don't get so excited sir

That you fucking you know You get a false start there right Let's just hope the whole fucking thing goes well And then you got that ride home In the car You know you both get in there You're both trying to make you don't want to You don't know what to say so you're just making noises

Like sitting down like Putting on the radio You look like you got a new Cross go down here huh You know God knows where the fuck Her head's at I'll tell you this right now There's no fucking way she's not going to ask some questions

So you know like What are you thinking right now Ugh You know what I'm thinking I'm thinking fuck you Don't even start this shit Listen thing I think you have to have that conversation Beforehand If you're gonna do it you gotta say to your wife

Alright here's the deal we're gonna do this shit But no being fucking weird afterwards Alright None of this did you like it Did you enjoy her more than me None of that That's all off the table Alright

Then what are you then Then she's sitting on it Then she'll start crying I know I know that doesn't say anything But you know I'm just presenting The worst case scenario Or even worse

She fucking loves it And wants to do it all the time And then that just leads to Ah it's just gonna lead to other shit It's gonna lead to other shit I don't know Who knows it could be fun Could be fun I just presented

All the hazards that could possibly happen Who knows man you could fucking go do it Bang bang boom you guys never fucking talk about it again You get to check that off the list You know you stare at your dick for a good 30 to 60 days Nothing looks funny down there And you know what you got away with it Just like Woody Allen

And crime and punishment right You just sort of get away with it Who knows maybe it happens I don't know Alright and with that Stamps.com everybody Alright Let's wrap this thing up here With the final question

I know you guys have you been watching hockey Yes I have I've been watching the Ottawa Montreal series Of course rooting against Montreal Ottawa giving them a way Tough for series then I thought they were gonna They played great Montreal is just fucking

Relentless I can't even talk I'm so fucking out of it Goddamn late nights They've just been so fucking relentless And I don't know man They had to win Obviously they had to win the last game

3-0 I don't see Montreal losing four straight Although if they do I don't know What can I do next week on the podcast If they somehow lose four games in a row I don't know what I'd do It would just be the greatest thing ever I would truly enjoy it but then I would get nervous

Because we did that we blew a three games Against the Flyers And then the next very next year We won the Stanley Cup So I hope that doesn't happen I hope they don't lose four in a row Do I? I don't fucking know Mother herb

Dear Billy Bong Monday is 4.20 and I know the Thursday Podcast is now designated towards Good vibes man Well the Monday morning remains your Bleak outlook on humanity It really does however in the spirit of the holiday

Can you please tell us something Crunchy about yourself Perhaps a time when you connected With nature or saw the human race As one or in the Least tell about a song Or movie you saw High that was awesome

Love you love Nia This guy wrote this when he was high Love you guys man I always seen The human race as one I've always seen it that's why it's so fucking depressing To watch the concert the top do what they're doing That's why my fantasies to take

All of them out and then people who are Actually responsible going and do the job And they fix the world and I don't have to do anything After I'm done pulling the trigger and my life Is totally easy maybe that's selfish I don't know what it is Maybe I'm an idealist You want me to tell you something crunchy

About myself it's not enough That you know that I make pies Huh From scratch Alright you know what I have a lemon And lime tree in my front yard Alright And I get excited

When I walk out there and I get to pick Them off the tree And then I bring them in the house and I go You know what I'm going to make a key lime pie out of this And then I come back later And I realize that I forgot to tell my wife And she's fucking used the limes that I needed Say it's still going to go back to something

Bleak you know because that's what life is It's there's the balance man You know what I mean man it's like You know when life gives you lemons Your wife's going to eat them man You just got to be alright with that man You just got to look down at your toes Wiggle them in your sandals and just kind of

Wait for the other ones to grow man You know How was that was that fine Was that okay Even something crunchy about me How about the fact that I'm going out to all these Tertiary cities yes I just did use that word Did I pronounce it correctly I don't think so

How about that how about I like going out And fucking hanging out with the people afterwards I actually enjoy people on a one to one Basis if they're not cunts Right you know what you got me sir I think you stumped me I don't know that I have anything crunchy No

Sorry I tried What do you want from me Baby seals washing up on the fucking Beaches killed me this week is that crunchy Enough for you It's made me not eat fish the whole fucking week I think I might be done with fish I'm done eating animals that we can't grow

You know breed Whatever even then I think it's I don't know I go back and forth with if it makes me a Piece of shit if I eat fucking animals Or if you know They would have gotten eaten anyway and what the fuck Would a cow be doing

If we didn't have a fence around it It would be walking around like a big slow Dope and it would get you know There'd be a fucking mountain lying around his neck Within two seconds Just hanging there slowly Suffocating the thing but we got the decency To have that ceiling gun hover over its head

And knock them out So you can get yourself a prime goddamn rib I know there's a lot of questions I like that angle man Try to draw out the crunchy side of me That made me really uncomfortable That was a nice feeling Every once in a while you gotta get out of your comfort zone

Alright that's the podcast for this week Like yourselves, I'll check in on you on Thursday