Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-23-15

Episode Date: April 24, 2015

Bill rambles about whores, ozone guy and dating a UFC champion.

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On a Thursday here, whatever the fuck it is, what the hell's the goddamn date here, man? You know what, it's fuckin' April 23rd down here in Louisiana. Down here in the Big Easy. We just rolled into town today and I'm just gonna do my little half hour bullshit here before I play a couple of classic clips from the Monday Morning Podcast back in yesteryear. Back in yesteryear. Back when baby seals had enough fish in the ocean to eat. Right? Back when apples would turn brown when they went bad. I still think we were making our own salmon at that point. Man-made salmon just stirring it up in a Petri dish. Would you care for a bite?

Anyways, so the tour's been going fantastic. All these jokes, man. This is how you put together a stand-up act, alright? You get on a goddamn fucking bus and you just do shows every night for two weeks and it's over. One weekend. One weekend, I'm telling you. It's like going to the gym. You go to the gym the first day and you're like, oh my god, I don't wanna do this. Then a weekend, you feel like a monster unless you're like me. You bitch about it for months because you're almost 47 years of age, right?

But it's a different thing, alright? I really hit the high note there. I wasn't even trying to. It's gonna be like, hey, you know, that's different. But I went, hey, that's a different thing. So anyways, what's going on in the world of nothing? We have another controversy, everybody. What is it? What is it? Is it that the oceans are fished out? Is it that our food supply is slowly being turned into poison? Is it that there was this maybe like, what, three fucking banks left?

Is that what it is? No, it isn't. Some fucking guy who plays Captain America and another guy who plays a fucking electric man or whatever the hell they play. I don't watch these fucking movies. These superhero movies. They were asked to describe some character, the black widow, and they jokingly said, she's a slut, she's a whore, right? And everybody's all fucking up in arms about it, and they have to apologize. Nobody has to apologize for fucking drilling for oil and actually accidentally ruining the fucking water supply.

They don't even have to answer questions during the town meetings. They just sent somebody down there to stare at the person who's now fucking glowing green because they had the nerve to take a shower in their own fucking house. There's no apology coming from there. But these guys here who walk around fucking under loose and make some stupid ass joke, right? At the end of a press conference. Listen to these fucking morons. Somebody wrote, well, it's nice of Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner to let us know they're super gross. Oh, can you imagine driving across country with somebody who says super gross?

And misogynistic. Way to go, bros. Another one. Oh, dear. Now that Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans are making tasteless jokes. No, now Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans are making tasteless jokes about the only woman in the franchise. Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner, recent comments on the black widow were beyond, beyond disturbing. And misogynistic. Unreal. So then they both had to issue apologies. The guys who walk around and under loose, right, and eat fucking proteins and salads.

So they can, they can tuck their guts into these fucking tight suits after wishing to apology about making fun of a fictitious woman. Yesterday they were asked about the rumors, blah, blah, blah, blah. Here we go. Here's the apologies. Yesterday we were asked about the rumors that black widow wanted to be in a relationship with both Hawkeye and Captain America. Can you believe this is a natural apology? As the actor who portrays Hawkeye, I'd like to apologize to the character black widow for suggesting she was a whore. You know what I mean? You know what I love? I love that they're acting like there are no whores. That word exists for a reason. You know? There's whores. I'm in Louisiana, fucking New Orleans. I'll show you the whole fucking street of them.

Does that make me misogynistic? This is the dummish. Anyways, I liked Renner's apology. He goes, I'm sorry for that tasteless joke about a fictional character. I'm sorry that it was, I'm sorry that this tasteless joke about a fictional character offended anyone. Can you read between the lines? You fucking morons. That's what he's, I feel like he's saying. It was not to be serious in any way, just poking fun during exhausting and tedious press tour. These guys were asked the same five questions for like nine hours in a row. And then they called the woman who doesn't exist a fucking widow, a widow, a fucking whore in a slot. And now they have to apologize as real people. They have to apologize to real women about the fictitious woman that they labeled as a whore.

You know what I mean? You know what's funny is that if there was actually a real woman walking around doing half the, I don't even know what black widow does. But let's just, you know, if they live up to the photo, what does a black widow spider do, right? It fucking bangs a guy, gets his juices in him, and then fucking kills him. You know what I mean? You know what that sounds like to me? That sounds like that movie monster, right? And what is she got an Oscar for that? I want to see that. I want to see a guy who plays a jiggalo and goes around and murders fucking hard-up housewives. I want to hear that be called a fucking brave performance. It was so brave he didn't wear any aftershave during that performance.

Have you ever seen that movie? That movie's one of the funniest fucking movies ever. They literally turned her into a victim. You know what I mean? And in the end, like this love story, she's sitting there crying, and I'm supposed to cry with her because she didn't find love. This murderous sociopath. You know, but she wasn't wearing makeup, and she was killing men, so evidently, that's a brave, it's a wonderful thing. Anyways, finally, somebody rational. This woman wrote, If you're offended by that joke that Renner and Evans made about a fictional character, please reevaluate your life and relax. Exactly, someone else wrote, Renner did not sound sincere at all.

Does he really? Oh, you want apology? Huh? Are you a superhero? You know, being a superhero and a female has always been difficult for me. First of all, I possess no superpowers to speak of. And I don't know if there's a second, but if it is, I'm sure it's harder than whatever guys go through. Can someone apologize to me, please? Anyways, who gives a shit? I mean, come on, they're actors, they're all horse, right? Do you think anyone wants to walk around in those fucking suits? You know, you fucking package all fucking, you know, snuggled up there?

I don't know. Who the fuck knows? I'm waiting for them to somehow then do something on white males. I actually read one thing was saying, look, sure, they were both joking, but considering their white males, and then it just becomes, let's take the thing that we know is a joke and now take it seriously, which is going to bring up, I'm sure, the whole argument that if a guy sleeps around, you know, he's called a stud, if a woman sleeps around, she's called a whore. And that totally makes sense to me.

And I'm allowed to have this opinion without you fucking having your hair fucking curlers go flying across the goddamn room. All right, fucking relax. My opinion does not affect anything. All right, I go along with that because there's no skill level involved in a woman getting laid, is there? I'm not saying you can fuck anybody you want, but you can go out and get laid. I don't think it's that goddamn difficult, you know, unless, you know, I don't know what your deal is. Unless you're so fucking annoying you would have to be, guys will fuck anything. Why is that? I don't know why, but all I know is as a guy to get laid is a fucking skill.

You got to learn how to do it. You got to have like a fucking, you got to have a good thousand of bats under your fucking belt, just to, just to that point, if you're lucky, you're hitting about a buck 40. If you look like Ron Howard, like I did, I mean, you've already been sent down to AAA. Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm fucking believable. What a fucking way. I actually, I'm wasting time on the podcast talking about this. This has become like an every week thing. Like, I don't understand who the fuck they're even apologizing to. The people that comment, that's just ridiculous. You know, I'm never going to see another one of his movies until the next person offends me and then I'll forget what they said and then I'll go see their movies anyways.

Anyways, let's, let's get off this stupid subject. When was the last time I talked to you? I talked to you on Monday, so I believe I was heading into fucking Knoxville. Who dares to call me during the fucking podcast? I have the most generic fucking ring. Hold on a second. Jesus Christ. Alright, so here we go. Here we go back to the podcast. I don't know what that is. I hope that's not business related. I am not a good businessman. Alright, so last I talked to you, we were heading into Knoxville. Knoxville was an amazing, amazing show.

Dude, Chattanooga. Jesus Christ. Don't sleep on that fucking place. We went there and had great food, unbelievable show, and then we ended up hanging out at this place, which of course I already can't remember the fucking name of it. I tweeted about it. Dude, I have the memory of a fucking insect. Unreal. Now, I literally have to look up what I tweeted about at a place that I went to and had a great time when I was in Chattanooga. I'll tell you all about it other than that. Alright, I know I heard the ring. Steve Jobs, you fucking cunt. I bet you came up with that, right? They have a fucking ring and ring and ring. If they don't pick up, it will continue to ring. Alright, where the hell is it? Do I really fucking retweet this much? What an asshole.

Oh, Jesus. Where is it? Dude, you guys have been watching ESPN, by the way, trying to fill the hours during baseball season. I was watching them sitting there eating breakfast and they had the thing, and they had a bit on there called, is it gangsta or is it wanksta? It's just like, you know, I think ESPN should do, I think they should fucking have a sports center in the morning, and then while they're waiting for more games to start in the afternoon, they should just take a nap. They should just, you know, turn the fucking thing off, show some old sports bloopers, and they should all, you know, take off their suits and ties, you know, put their dress socks and their wingtips, and they should just all just take a fucking nap and stop pretending things are happening between the hours of 11am and 5pm. Nothing is going on. Alright, go out, go get yourself a fucking taco.

You know, they're sitting there talking about that, what's his face, that Jameson, what's his face? They're doing this thing about him, did he or did he not steal those stupid fucking crab legs? I actually tweeted about that and somebody fucking took me seriously. I wrote, can you build a franchise around a man who may or may not have stolen some crab legs? I thought if I'm Tampa Bay, I'm seriously reconsidering, Jameson Winston is my first pick. One only needs to look at the Hernandez situation in New England. How ridiculous is that? Somebody actually wrote back to me like, oh, first degree murder was a little more, a little worse than fucking stealing crab legs.

You know, Jesus, you know what, I'm not going to be able to find the name of this fucking place. I went to a place in Chattanooga where you could smoke a cigar, play, you could fucking bowl. I'm the worst. I swear to God I tweeted about it. I can't find it. I had a great time there. I can tell you that. Good food and all that shit and last night we were in Shreveport. I thought I was playing at that place that Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis did, I didn't. I played at another place like the Strand right down the street, which was awesome. Elvis was never there, but I did learn when I was in Shreveport, they have some sort of convention center there.

And that's the first place where somebody announced Elvis has left the building. That's the first time that was ever uttered. And if you're a nerd like me, that was a cool thing to learn about, you know. So anyways, I'm here in the big easy, the big sleazy as they call it. And I got a show here tonight. Literally looking forward to it and hanging out here over the next couple of days. Somehow trying to figure out how to stay in shape in this God forsaken place. I swear to God, they fry everything down here.

This is the thing about the South Tooth. It's such cheap fucking living down here. Do you know when I was in Chattanooga, they had a sign that said 1-800-DIVORCE. And underneath it, it said basic divorce, 350 bucks. Can you believe? I mean, I know that that's just the lawyer's fee. But you figure, that is like one of the, that would be like if Honey Boo Boo, you know, someone from her family got divorced, you know. I mean, what are you breaking up at that point? Can I get that last chocolate frosted donut or are you going to have it?

All right, if you're taking that, then I'm going to get that face cloth, right? Fucking lawyer's just sitting there, you know, staring down at his shoes. You know, he's dressed like Colonel Sanders. He's got some weird mustache. You guys about done? You settle it up? No, no, no. Wait, wait. I got to change up Southern voices here. I got a couple more here. Let's see. Do you want that, uh, do you want that, that was, uh, teased tank top? Uh, you want that or okay, you have, okay. If you have that, then I'm getting to keep on trucking apron.

And that'll be it. You know, the guys just like, all right, there you go. Signed seal divorce done. That'll be 350 bucks. Man, I thought you said $3.50. I had no fucking idea. I'm going to have to go across the street and get myself alone. That's the place to get divorced. Everybody chatting Nougat, Tennessee. I can't believe I can't remember the name of that fucking place I went to. Dude, you went in, you smoke cigars. It's right across the street from the college that, uh, Tarell Owens went to, which of course I can't remember the name of that either.

And, uh, they had out back, I got to look this fucking place up out back. They had a, uh, what do you call those things that white people who don't have any money living, a trailer. They had a trailer, an Airstream trailer that they had hollowed out and they made like a smoking room out of it. And we sat in that fucking thing, been watching a bunch of NBA playoffs. It's killing me. Versey and fucking Lawhead, but they're goddamn basketball Jones. They just so fucking into it. And it's just like, do you realize that the Stanley Cup playoffs are going on? The greatest playoffs that exists. These fucking guys flipping out about three pointers and layups.

They put on fucking hockey. These guys are taking a stick to the head skating off the spitting out teeth. And then they come back five minutes later. That shit on the Knicks, when he comes out with his fucking broken leg, that happens like every other game in hockey playoffs. Back in the day, pre like HIV and that shit, they used to stitch guys up right on the bench and the guy'd be getting stitched up. And as the dude who hit him skates by the guy getting stitched up would talk shit to him. And they got Willis Reed. Obviously, Willis Reed beat up the whole fucking Lakers at the same time. I'm not saying the guy, but I'm saying. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just so sick of fucking watching Hoop. It just bores me to tears.

I do like watching the guys from Oakland there, Golden State. I do like watching them, but I've had enough, man. It's like I just watch March Madness. I'm all fucking hooped out. And, you know, I'm sitting there just flipping back and forth. I caught the end of the ducks. I know that they swept. Look at me. I don't even know they swept Winnipeg. And I know that Ottawa beat the Canadians last night. You know, be amazing if they went tonight in Montreal, then all of a sudden all those Frenchies would get really fucking nervous.

Oh, fuck. We're going to drop four in a row. We can drop four in a row to the cunts down the street that are actually the capital of this country. As we're up here walking around acting like we're the capital when they're actually the capital. Are they really going to come back and do this? And if they do, when do we boo Carrie Price out of town? Because that's what we do is Canadian fans. Those fucking spoiled brats. But they're not spoiled anymore. You know what I love about them is this like fucking 20, 25 year olds with no recollection of ever winning a cup.

It's happening right now. Up there. All of those, all that shit talking about all their fucking cups. It's going away because now there's competition and they can't run the table anymore. It's fucking phenomenal. And I really hope they go the rest of my life and never win one. I really don't wish that on anybody other than Canadian fans. I don't know why they're just fun to hate. You know what's funny too is they actually get upset that I fucking talk shit. It's like, why would you get upset? My team's not even in the playoffs playoffs.

You know, but you know what? We have wanted fucking Stanley Cup at least in the last 20 fucking years. I know that you guys want a bunch. Yeah. I want to three o'clock. That's what they should play when they show Canadians highlights. They should show Bill Haley in the comments and they should go all the way back to like boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo. You know, maybe a little three stooges music. Sorry. All right, Chattanooga. Here we go. Chattanooga, cigar, bowling, bar.

Let's see if I can find this thing. I'm actually doing like a fucking 10 minute commercial on it now because I can't find the goddamn thing. Come on. Oh yeah. I'll tell you everything slow down here in the south, even the internet, even that fucking internet. Southside social. That's where I went. If you're ever in Chattanooga, you can smoke a cigar outside in this fucking air stream while you're watching a goddamn game. They got they got horseshoes, they got bowling, they got pool. They got games I never even heard of.

They got Midwest games, Southern games, any fucking thing you want to do. They had whiskey slushies. What more do I got to say? Whatever fucking, I'll tell you this right. If whatever college Trent and Resner went to, whatever the fuck his name is, Terrell Owens, just take us to a game. Go down, right? Right across the street. Southside social.

Go in there before the game, smoke a stogie, drink a beer, and then go across the street, watch the game. You can actually walk up to the fence and watch it. Like it's the the depression era and we had a great time there. And anyways, then we went on to went on to Memphis. A bunch of people were in town. I can't drop names here, but there was somebody in town for the Memphis Grizzly game. And he hung out with us talking hoop and fucking Verzing Lawhead will losing this shit. And I was too just a sports fan, but they on a whole other level because they just fucking, you know, crazy hoop fans.

They were acting like both. What was it like to play defense against Michael Jordan and all that shit. So we had an amazing time and it's been it's been phenomenal to really to go through all of these fucking towns that I've never been to. Shreveport was the shit. And then waking up today, pulling into New Orleans and after New Orleans just let you know the only place I need help. Anybody came out to a show so far on this tour that has enjoyed it. Could you if you know anybody in Mississippi, could you please let him know about the show in Jackson? He's the only fucking one.

I'm really trying to get some inroads in there. Mississippi just seems like it's it's it's it's complete own deal. More so than even Texas. Texas walks around and they talk a bunch of shit. You know, why do you exist? You ain't America anymore. You fucking Texas. Right.

You fuck you. All right. What's your goddamn baby gap stores and all of that shit and all those whores walking around with their makeup. Oh God, do I have to apologize to Dallas now? What? Because the woman puts on clown makeup. She's a whore. The man does.

He's a clown. Somebody owes me an apology. All right. Can I say this to people in general? Fucking grow up. Why don't you goddamn babies give a fuck about something that matters. All right. That fruit causes cancer now.

Right. How about that? Can I say this to the fruit industry? No, when you say fruit, what are you saying? Are you actually talking about it? Are you making fun of a group of people? I want an apology. I'd love to find who these fucking people are.

Go out and just interview them. I just think why? Why were you offended personally? And then go into their apps. They're fucking bullshit rhetoric. And then I just would gradually break them down. What's going on in your life right now? Are you happy at work?

Are you happy in your relationship? Yeah, you're not. Are you? Yeah, great. So rather than deal with that, you're going to fucking talk about these two guys that, you know, they dress up like fucking Aquaman and the ozone layer guy. Right. You're going to get fucking upset about them.

Ozone layer guy. That's a good new fucking superhero. Right. Ozone layer guy. He's got a hole in his heart. Right. That's the hole in the ozone layer. Just can't give into love.

And how he stops the criminals is he just sucks out the fucking atmosphere. Everybody in the whole planet faints and then he revives everybody at the same time except for the bad guy. And then people, you know, you know, society never understands the superheroes and be like, you know, I understand that he has to stop crime, but does he have to deprive all of our brains of oxygen? I mean, at the end of the day, you know, despite the fact your, your, your, your, um, oh gee, I don't know.

Your, your mission, I guess is, is a noble one. I mean, don't get me wrong. I want to clean up the streets too, but I really don't like need to pass out every 20 minutes. So ozone guy, if you are listening, right? And of course he's like, he likes, he's like the weatherman on that show. Right. But he parts his hair in a different side so nobody can see it except for some broad. Right.

She fucking figures it out. And she starts blowing them. You know, in the hall of justice and like a broom closet. And she's just like, you know, when, when are we going to, when are you going to introduce me to all your other fucking superhero friends? And, uh, he's all insecure because he's not as cool as Superman. Right. Oh, the green lantern.

What does a green lantern do? Does it, does he, does he actually have a lantern? Does it shoot out green lights? Huh. Come on, you fucking nerd. Somebody with skin tags knows the answer to that one. Oh, that was mean. That was really mean.

I go to the gym every day. It's just become a part of my life. And if you don't want to be fatty, well, you go to the gym every day, you cunt. That's what I'm doing after this, everybody. I'm going to the goddamn gym. I'm going to the gym. I'm going to a fucking, a gym down south, which means they have a fucking, they have a stair master that somebody won on card sharks a long time ago.

And after Katrina had floated by and these people sprayed some rust olium on it. I got to take a picture of this goddamn gym they have in there. They do actually have some, they have some dumbbells. So, uh, I could do some damage in there. They do have a treadmill, but it's like that. Uh, remember those old school treadmills when they first came out where it felt like the tread on the mill set the proper terminology. It was just a little bit loose.

And you almost like do a face plant like every like fifth step. Um, they got one of those in there. One of the ones like if somebody who weighed too much leaned against it, the entire front of it would just fucking break off. That's, that's what I'm working with. Um, so anyways, I got to read, I got one fucking advertisement on this. Okay. Which God knows you guys know this is entertaining.

Oh, good. We get to listen to Bill try to read out loud. I'm going to try to slow down the pace here. And see if I can actually, uh, read this correctly. Zip recruiter. Everyone. Are you hiring, but not sure where to find the best candidate as a business owner? I can tell you that your company is not only as fuck.

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All right. See, that was pretty painless, wasn't it? Not really. So anyways, I got New Orleans tonight. And we're here for actually going to stay here for a couple of days and we were actually thinking of going to the Pelicans Golden State game on say, but we have to make our way up to Huntsville. So everybody, your mission, all right?

If you live down south, maybe you live up north and you have those cousins you never talked to. If they're down there in Mississippi, if you know how to somehow get in touch with these people and get people to come out to a show, also I want to thank everybody who's been buying the Billy Bible Belt tour poster, which is basically me preaching to people 80 years ago. It's basically a preacher's head body. They took the head off and put my head on it and people really seem to be loving that.

And a lot of people have seen pictures of the poster and they would like to get one. I have, I can't sell them yet. If I have any leftover, I will. And the bonuses, they will all be autographed. So whatever I have left over after the tour, immediately I'll put it up on billbird.com. I'm not fucking you here. It's a high quality piece of paper. I forget how big it is, but it's pretty impressive.

And if I do have any left, I will autograph all of them. And if you guys want to get them, you'd be doing me a solid, because if not, they're just going to sit in my fucking garage and my wife's going to give me shit, all right? That's the deal. That's what happens. In the garage, everything ends up in the garage unless you get rid of it. And then what happens? You don't have any room for your fucking car to go into the garage.

And if you live in LA, what most people do is they turn their garage into another room because they just look at it like, well, hey, you know, it never fucking rains out here. Speaking of that shit, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, can somebody do a rain dance for California? You know? I thought I was being right, smart, investing into fucking real estate. And even though I knew California, I mean, Los Angeles was a desert, I mean, you know. Jesus. I'm actually thinking about selling my house and going back to renting.

So when the shit hits the fan, when that last drop of water comes out, I can just walk away from a lease. I'll tell you what's so amazing that I saw when we're driving from Memphis down to Shreveport. South of Little Rock, Arkansas, it killed me to drive through that city and not do stand up there fucking kill me. I'm going to have to add that if I do, if I do a tour, starting Little Rock, maybe cut through Oklahoma and do some shit like that, I'll figure something out. But that whole fucking you can't believe I actually understand why people in like some

of these states in the middle of the country don't believe in global warming. If you see the fucking land they're living on, that shit, I mean, granted, I was just zipping down the highway. But all I saw was nothing but trees and you knew in them trees with them wild pigs. That's good eating. I'll tell you, they'll fuck up a farm, but that is some good fucking eating. That's all my bucket list. I want to, I want to shoot a pig.

I want to shoot a wild pig right in the fucking ass, picking out buckshot out of a pork shoulder. Come on. We've all dreamed of doing that, haven't we? All right. Anyways, I didn't even get to any of this shit. You know, I couldn't find the stuff that you guys, you guys sent me on, I almost said on the Twitter. That's how fucking old I am.

I couldn't find what you guys sent me on the Twitter, the shit that you wanted me to rant about. Oh, you know what one person wanted me to talk about was the WNBA couple that got into the fight. What the hell is it? Come on, Bill. Don't blow it. Don't be a fucking moron like always.

Where is it? Where is it? Come on. Oh, I don't know what the fuck happened. I guess there's two women that play on the team in Phoenix and they're in a relationship and they're actually engaged and Brittany's something or other and they fucking threw down in their house and they just, they couldn't break them up. They couldn't bring me talking about two fucking athletes competing at the top of their game.

All right. You don't get there by quitting, do you? So these two fucking type A people, I guess, go at it and they just kick the shit out of each other. And then even their relatives finally had the called cops and this is the coolest part in the end of it. They neither one of them pressed charges. So all they got booked on was suspicion of beating the shit out of somebody else.

That's a solid move right there. I think it in the end, I think there's still love there, right? Neither one of them pressed charges. So you figure if I'm the cops, I got to look at that like that's like offsetting penalties. You know, we got multiple files on the play, personal file, Brittany, what's her face for punching to Lula so-and-so right in the mouth. She said she had a tooth mark on her on her fist and we got another personal file on the other side.

Kick to the clan by to Lula. What's her face? Those penalties offset replay the down. That's how I look at it. I think it's fine. Obviously, they're going to have to find a more mature way to settle their problems. Why can't you just do that? You know what I mean?

If you're in a relationship, if you're in a same-sex relationship, shouldn't they be allowed if they want to? To just, you know, because now you're talking essentially, well, I guess you'd have to be in the same weight class. All right. I'm lobbying for this right now just so we can keep the jails not as overcrowded. How about it? If you're in a same-sex relationship, if your partner is in the same weight class as you,

all right? If you guys throw down, none of one beats the shit out of the other. But if you both just say, you know, you want to fucking do this, right? They fucking go at it. And if they're just fine, you just settle it the way you did with your older brother, right? You just fought. And then that was it.

You fought until you're tired. You were done. And the cops don't have to show up. There's no problems. You know, that'd be, that'd be, uh, that'd be a nice thing, right? Oh, Jesus, I wonder if I could do that. You know what I mean? What if, what if your wife is a UFC champion, okay?

And you don't have any training like me, right? All you have is, uh, I'm going to get you in a headlock while you get me in a headlock who never squeeze hard of wins, okay? If you were in a relationship, you didn't know how to fight, but your wife was a, a, uh, UFC champion. I mean, it's such a stupid thing because you're going to lose instantly. You guys watched any of those videos where, uh, what's her face, Rhonda Rousey, there's always some dumb, goofy guy that'll be like, Hey, Rhonda, you know, put me in a fucking

chokehold. Oh, hey, Rhonda, do that little fucking, that judo flip. I watched one. This guy has her do this. Like, why would you do that? She's a champion at beating the shit out of people. You think he, she never kind of fight some broad the size that you are. You sitting there with your man tits.

You should be wearing a sports bra, sir. She fucking grabbed this dude, threw him over a, I say, I got to give it up to the guy. She did that to me. I think I would have died. I definitely wouldn't have got it. Remember back in the day when you played football, when the ground was frozen and when you were a little kid, remember the first time you discovered that you could actually get the wind knocked out of you by getting hit in the back.

That's what she did to this guy. She fucking flipped the dude. He was trying to be wacky. Hey, let me, you know, let me go up here and, uh, you know, fuck with this judo champion slash you up mixed martial arts champion. She fucking threw him over his hip and he's laying on the ground and he's making all these noises and she's laughing thinking he's fucking around. And he starts going, I felt my rib and she's going, Oh no, and he goes, I heard it crack.

Fucking over a fucking over, man. That would be the funniest shit ever if, if you were in a relationship with, with a woman's UFC champion, just to just flip that dynamic. I guess they already made a movie. They made Norbert was like that, but it would be funnier if she actually had like judo skills. Like, honey, I don't want to go to the mall and she looks at you like, all right, I'm getting my jacket and nobody would have sympathy for you. Come on, you pussy, go down to the fucking strip mall.

Start taking some classes, you know, you start taking, you have to take some classes, you know, on the slide without a knowing when she comes home, she thinks you're cheating on her and she's fucking got you. I don't know. She's got in a triangle. I said, I don't know anything, right? And then what would happen is either then you tell her that you're, you're taking the classes or what happens is, is the next time you play fight and you try a couple of fucking

moves that you learned, you know, except you're throwing them like, I just learned this punch down at a strip mall where she's fought for real, you know, and maybe it just sets her off like she can't get, you know, when she turns, when she flips that switch, she can't shut it off, right? You wake up 40 minutes later, she's crying, holding both sides of your head. I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry. You did that spinning back fist and I just, I, I went somewhere else.

I'm sorry. Don't want to work the next day. Hey, did your wife knock you out again? Yes. Taking all that shit. Would it be worth it? I think it would be. I think it would be.

I'd be looking. You got to teach me some shit. Right? Yeah. Oh my God. I don't know. Anyways, that's the Monday morning. The Thursday, the Thursday afternoon, uh, Monday morning podcast just before Friday.

This is what it's been. Uh, now we're going to go take you back to a classic clip from, from way back when, from uh, the end of the Bush years, or maybe Obama was already in office. I don't know. Were they really a different president? I don't think they are. I think it's the same guy. I think it's a fucking mannequin and they take it out and this time they decided to stick

a little fucking, uh, a little Afro one, a little Ben Vereen Afro, you know, maybe throw a little salt and pepper in there, give them a distinguished look. That's it. There's a different voice recorder in there. Right? Oh, go fuck yourself. I got theories. Send me yours.

All right. I hope you enjoy these classic clips and thank you for listening. I'll talk to you on Monday. Question number seven, um, since you've been traveling across the country for the past decade or so, what's the best urban legend you ever heard of? Okay. Urban legends. Uh, I've heard so many good ones.

Um, I, well, I grew up in the eighties. So there was a lot of fear about AIDS during that time. And um, I remember there was an urban legend about a guy, he's in a bar, he meets his chick. She's totally smoking, looks like a fucking supermodel. They go back to her place, you know, whatever her hotel, she gives them the best blow job ever that bang and I would buy the greatest fucking night ever. He wakes up the next morning, she's gone and he walks into the bathroom and then on the mirror is written in lipstick.

Congratulations. Now we both have AIDS because evidently he didn't use a condom. And I remember being in a, in a warehouse believing every word going really do what we do. Where did that happen? I don't know, dude. I think it was in Rhode Island. Yeah.

I was a moron. I liked that one. And I liked, uh, there was another one out there about a guy. He meets a girl in a bar and, uh, she says, Hey, and she's totally smoking and she says, Hey, this is the deal. You can come back to my place. You can do whatever you want to me, but in the end I get to do whatever I want to you. The guy's like, yeah, sure.

Fuck it. Let's go. So, you know, he does everything you could possibly do with the woman, you know, has an orgasm. Everything's great. And she goes, okay, now it's my turn and she ties him down to the bed. So he's like, okay, she's into this freaky dominator shit, whatever. She walks out of the room, you know, closes the door and all of a sudden the door fucking

kicks open and there's a black dude dressed like Batman and he comes in and he fucks the guy in the ass. And I actually believed it. Like that totally made sense to me. I was like, once again, 18, 19, really, where did that happen? I don't know. I think it was in Chelsea. Um, yeah, probably that one.

And then anyone, any of the firecracker urban legends, you know, somebody put an M80 in somebody's back pocket and blew half his ass off. I always liked that one. Um, yeah, I would say that. All right. And it's the second part of the question. Also, do you believe in spooky supernatural shit? Yes and no.

I believe in outer body experiences. I believe in some sort of, uh, I don't know, I don't know, afterlife, but just some shit that we don't, we don't understand and we can't tap into. I definitely believe in that, but I don't believe in ghosts. Like they're, they're, you know, that they're going to haunt me. I just don't get what a ghost can do. You know, it's invisible. I can't see it.

Okay. And it rattles a lamp and goes boo, all right, man, that I get used to that. And then I'm, you know, the worst he can just be is a pain in the ass. Just knock shit off my dresser and I speak really, and I can just fuck with him mentally. Just torture him. Just like, really? Maybe that's why, maybe that's why you're a ghost. You ever think about that?

Maybe you're just a cunt in life and your punishment is you don't get to go anywhere. And now you're trapped in my awful apartment. You know, kind of a fucking loser ghost or you, why, why aren't you out there looking up women's skirts? Huh? What are you, a gay ghost? Why don't you go fucking float over to West, uh, West Hollywood? There's plenty of dudes over there, you know, look at their balls.

I don't know what I'm talking about here. All right. Um, anyways, he said, my girlfriend is obsessed with that show Ghost Hunter, Hunters, Hunters. And I find it ridiculous. Uh, yeah, I find that shows. It's fucking stupid. It's all in the editing and they act like they're going to find something and they don't. And they never quite get like a good angle on the ghost.

You know, it's like if you had a good angle on the ghost, you would have kept the footage and you would have just, could have sold it to any network out there for millions of dollars. We finally have proof that ghosts exist, but they never do. It's always shaky, handheld, Blair Witch, all right. Oh, this, this is something that I think a lot of white people need because not because we're more racist than anybody else. We just get just the, the consequences of us fucking up is so much harsher than other people because, uh, you know, we, we are the gold standard when it comes to racists.

We are in the driver's seat right now. We have been in the driver's seat for a while, basically meaning that if we are ignorant assholes, it has way more effect than when other people are, you know, back in the day, when other people were running shit, that's the thing, whoever's on top, if you're thinking ignorant, uh, that's, that's why, you know, if you're on top and you're thinking ignorant shit, you have to be called on it because, uh, just cause the, cause the effect that you can have, you know what I mean? Like if somebody from Bangladesh fucking hates me, that's such a stupid example.

Okay. That's not a race of people. I don't even know where Bangladesh is and I gotta be honest with you. I don't even know if that's a city or a country, Bangladesh. Have ever seen that on, uh, the prices, right? You know, in showcase showdown, we're selling you to Bangladesh and some white trash person like myself just sit with the confused look on their face like, I don't know where that is.

Is that where the terrorists are? I don't want to go there. Whatever. Like if Filipino people fucking hate me, that doesn't affect my life. It doesn't. I'm not going to go and do a job interview at, at, you know, Walmart is not run by Filipinos. You know what I mean? You know, not saying there's anything wrong with Filipinos.

All right. See, we'll see what I have to do right there as a white person, but say I'm saying I do bad about Filipinos. Just be clear here. I've never had issues. I've never had issues. I've never had problems. I've never had problems.

I've fucking all that shit. You gotta go into the Jerry Lewis voice there. Lady. Um, so yeah, people have questions. So here we go. I think all races should chime in. The questions that you have, if you have feelings about a different race of people and you just think that you're thinking something funny, there's nothing malicious, but is this offensive?

Is it racist? This is, this is the new topic. Okay. And if you feel that I answer these questions, like the ignorant white man that I am, call me out on it. Um, here. So here we go. This first one.

Um, Bill, isn't racist to call Indians Dibba Dabboos? And I'm talking about the Asian ones, not Native Americans. I'm guessing by Dibba Dabboos, you mean Dibba Dabbo, a Dibba Dabba Dibba Dibba Dibba. You're saying like that, Dibba Dabbo. Um, isn't racist probably, but it's fucking funny. So that knocks it down a little bit. This is what I feel that makes something like racist. It's like, like the reason why, uh, that one isn't as offensive is because we haven't,

we never enslaved them. That's the reason why white and black shit is so sensitive is because of the shit that we did to them, but we haven't really fucked with those people, you know? So if the black version of that was, is it, is it offensive to call black people, hey man motherfucker or whatever? Yes. That would be offensive. If you did some sort of mocking of the way they spoke, yes, that would be, that would

be offensive. If some CEO was giving a speech and I was driving, uh, actually I was having someone else drive my town car and we drove by a group of, uh, yo motherfuckers and, uh, they proceeded to walk towards, yeah, you'd have to apologize. So I guess, yeah, I guess technically like that would be, that would be offensive. Is it racist? Um, this is what I really, I really, it's hard for me to say because it had, it's what's in your heart, you know, because I make fuck, I really, I make fun of, of everybody, you

know? I mean, I play a game out here, uh, when someone is making, let me ask you, I got a question for you. Is this racist? I have a game out here when I ride around with Nia and she does not approve of this to keep her in the clear. She does not approve of this. When somebody makes a moronic move in front of me, you know, driving, you know, just makes

a fucking horrific move. I play a game called old or Asian and you have to guess when, cause I'm going to pass the person cause I got to see what they look like. You know, whenever somebody does something fucked up, some comedians do a great joke about that. You just want to see what the fuck they look like, right? Uh, that's the game, old or Asian. So as I speed up my little hybrid to try to pull parallel to them, I always say, what

do you say Nia? What are you going with? Old or Asian? What do you got? Old or Asian? She goes, I'm not playing this game. That's mean. And then I was going, I'm going to go with old and then I pull up.

Oh, it's fucking Asian. You know, or, oh, I nailed it. It was an old guy. So, um, is that racist? I'm sure it's offensive, but within the context of my own car, you know, I'm not yelling at anybody and I got to admit, you know, there's a lot of truth in the fucking game. Cheezus, I'm going to have to apologize next week on the podcast. So I would say that.

Uh, uh, um, uh, uh, you know, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Um, is it racist? Let me see if I can use it in a sentence here. Hey, uh, you know, I, I called up customer service and, uh, you know, one of those Dibba Dabba's answered and tried to tell me that his name was Steve and act like he was in, uh, Kentucky.

But I, I, I know that he was actually in India because what he talked to him was going, Dibba Dabba, what, how could I help you? Um, is it racist? Probably, you know what? Something bad has to happen between white culture and, uh, or Western culture in, uh, Indians. So, you know what I mean? It's like, uh, it's like you're playing a team and there's no rivalry.

Like Patriots versus Jets this year was like, uh, whites and blacks. It was bad. It was a lot of hate, you know? But like Patriots versus like the fucking lions. You know, yeah, there's going to be some shit talking. It's, it's knocked out, but it still hurts. If somebody says something mean, I don't, I really don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

All right, let's move to the next one. The next one on the new controversial topic on the Monday morning podcast is it racist? All right. Here we go. Um, Bill, I had an interesting experience today. Apparently involving me as a racist. I was walking with two of my coworkers who are both black. Oh, geez.

Here we go. Um, we were going to go get some lunch. One of my coworkers who are most of friends with, uh, did a little high five fist bump shuffle with one of the female security guards at the front desk, knowing both of them and how they interact with one another. I kind of made a in passing comment to the tune of man, you guys in your handshakes while obviously laughing laughing while obviously laughing at just how choreographed it was and more or less picturing them in a studio or something working out the logistics

to get the fucking handshake perfect. Anyways, we all laughed and moved on and we got our lunch. All right. So nothing wrong yet. So you're cool with these people. You made a joke and everybody laughed. No problems. No problems so far.

Um, however, after coming back through secure, uh, back through security, I noticed the security guard stopped me and kind of had a scowl on her face. I thought she was mad at me for something, but it turned out she was mad at this other lady who was black because she overheard my comment and was telling, uh, that security guard that she couldn't believe I had the nerve to say something like that and I should be ashamed also to the point where she could, um, almost to the point where she could actually go complain to the human resource people because she was offended. Um, et cetera, without even considering that maybe just maybe I was talking about

the security guard and my coworker and not all black people. Now it being corporate America and all, I'm sure rather than even face the past possibility of any bad press, they'd rather just sweep me out the door and completely ruin my any reputation I may or may not hold at the company just to save their own asses. I feel I did nothing wrong and had no intentions of ever doing anything wrong. Anything wrong. I'm not going to go on and on about how I kiss black babies and trying to rehabilitate inner city schools because I don't, but I'm certainly not some corn fed rebel flag waving

ignorant product of what might be incest. I guess my question is, do we really have to walk on eggshells when we are just making casual conversation? That just any that just any cunt can pick apart, select the context that they might think it is in and then start crying foul. Basically, I would have liked to call that woman a cunt and told her to go fuck herself, but let's just say I was already kind of worried about my job. All right.

See, um, yeah, I think this is, this is the classic one where you were fucking around the other two people knew you were fucking around, but then one person just decides to get offended and then you have to go on TV and apologize, which personally I think is the wrong move because when you apologize, now it's like you're, you're admitting that you meant it in a bad way. I mean, the apology I would do there and say, look, you know, I'm sorry that you didn't understand that I was joking, but I'm not going to sit here and apologize like I have any, any sort of ill will come in your way.

You know, but I, but just to avoid the problem in the future, uh, white people do not use the expression you guys or you people when talking about black people. That's just, it's just not going to, you're, you're setting yourself up for someone to get offended and, um, there's a weird sort of, uh, push pole going on with that whole, uh, you guys and you people thing where, um, when somebody white says that, there becomes this concern of, um, that you're separating. You're separating like, yeah, you know, you people over there without you live your lives and we're over here.

Black people have that weird relationship with white people where they're like, you know, can you stop stealing our fucking music and our culture? And, but then like if something, you know, Hey, let's pave the streets. You know, well, make sure you do it in our neighborhood. We're all in this together, right? All of us together, you know what I mean? So that's that weird sort of fucking push pole thing going on. So yeah, just avoid, uh, avoid the whole fucking, um, yeah, you fucked up.

You didn't fuck up, but you left yourself open for a sucker punch by saying you guys, you know, uh, that's, I guess that that's what it is. I don't know, that's, that's, that's my, I'm basically a white guy telling a white guy how he fucked up. So black people, if you listen to this thing, uh, please, please help me out here. Did I basically get it right? Is that essentially it? And I know most people wouldn't get offended.

All right. So there you go. That's the new, that's the new topic. Is it racist? And I would love to hear, um, some honest comments from, uh, non-white people about their thoughts, you know, the fucked up ones too. Okay. Cause I've watched enough Spike Lee movies to think that

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