Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-23-20

Episode Date: April 23, 2020

Bill rambles about Kiss, 'The Five Chinese Brothers', and painters.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you to see how you're doing during these questionable times. You know, I was just thinking, if the coronavirus wasn't hitting New York City as hard as it is, would you, would you really, really, would you really even know about it? Because you know the deal.

I call it the Robinson Cano effect, right? Robinson Cano, he's, he's playing for the Yankees and my buddy Paul Verzi. All I hear is like, dude, I called it. This guy's the greatest, the hell is shit. And all of a sudden he fucking goes to Seattle. He goes to the Seattle fucking Mariners and it's like he retired. You never hear another fucking word about this guy until all of a sudden he was on his little Jamba Juice there and everybody's like, oh, Jesus, is that why he was so good?

Right? Do you think if the coronavirus was going as easy on New York City as it is in rural areas, it's like the San Antonio spurs. They won five fucking titles. No one's going to remember it. They didn't do it in New York. They didn't do it in Los Angeles. They didn't do it in a major media market.

I actually think the coronavirus, this is God's way of saying that the red states are right and that he approves of Donald Trump. The amount of people in red states listening to this go, that's right, I agree with it. That makes a lot of fucking sense. Tell you right now, if he was ice squinted and he was talking about Jesus, I'd give him some money. I'd give that freckled, devil looking, red son of a bitch money. Speaking of red son of a bitch, this freckled faced fucko, I finished the script.

Well, I should say, me and my right-nading partner finished it yesterday and I think it's great. Okay? It's called Ginger Genius. It's about the persecution of smart red-headed people during the 1800s. It's a period piece. It's going to be a big budget, all right? It's going to start me, no.

It's a cop buddy movie going cross-country, trying to lose their virginity with a transgendered partner. I'm just working on the pitch here, how we can sell this thing in fucking 2020. Anyway, finished the fucking thing. So guess what that means? Guess what that means? Oh, freckles has three hours to himself every day now, when my daughter goes to sleep. You know, she goes to sleep one to four, okay?

Guess what? That's my time. It's time for daddy to go out in the garage and live his dad rock dreams. That's where I'm going. I'm going to throw my pink and orange weights around. Those are the color of my weights, by the way. That's when you know you have shoulder problems. When your dumbbells are the pink one, I have blue ones, I have orange ones, baby blue,

of course. I figure what weight the two pounders are. I'm finally going to go pace it with my fucking shoulder, all right? I started off, I swear to God, with a can of clams, like I was supposed to be a can of tuna. That's what I started with. And then I had a bigger can of clams and I moved up to that. And I basically, you know, when you lay on the floor and you watch TV, you lay on your

side and then you bring your fucking hand up into sort of a little isosceles triangle there and you rest your head. You're kind of sitting like that. And then from the side, after I've warmed up my shoulder, I just bring my arm up and back down. And then on the side, you do the open the door, close the door when you lay on the side, right? So this is why my shoulder's been fucked up for so long because you have to literally

start with like a can of tuna before you even work your way up to the pink one pounder weight when you have a rotator cuff issue, right? So the biggest problem is when you get to the one pounder, this is where I keep failing when you, when you want to advance from one pounds to two pounds, which doesn't sound like a lot, but you're increasing the weight load by a hundred percent. It's like I've said this before, it's like going from benching a hundred pounds to 200 pounds to 200 to 400. We get Bill, we understand math.

So I finally figured out what I have to do is I have to, whatever weight my arm can handle, I have to get it up to the point where I'm doing like a set of 30. And then when I want to increase, I then only do like a set of four or five and then immediately ice it, take an anti-inflammatory, whatever. And then I wait two, three days to see if that fucked anything up. And if it didn't, it's like, all right, so now I've moved up to the one pounders, which is where I'm at. And then it's going to be one pound until I can get it up to 30.

And then I will one to two pounds and see if I can finally do this. It's like that video game, you know, the fuck was it, the Tyson knockout one, that bald guy do that little hop thing and then throw the fucking hook. And once you figure it out, what I loved about that game is when you slip that punch, not only did you do it with the controller, you did it with your whole fucking body. But then when you got the Tyson, you just could not beat him. That's what the one to two pounds rehab thing has been for me. So now that I can only focus on so many things, I had to get the fucking script done.

So I got the script done. Now it's like, all right, we're coming to the end of this fucking, whatever the quarantine, which I really think we are, because if you really, if you look at the numbers, okay, less than 1% of the people have this fucking thing. And there's no way you're going to let 60% of the population become homeless because less than 1% of the population has something. So I think what's going to need to happen. And this is what I don't understand, but you know, I'm also not a doctor and I'm a fucking

moron. All right, but why don't instead of sending out all of this money and stimulus packages, why don't you put that into masks and gloves and just give it to people and let them go to work with masks and gloves on? Can we do that on some level? You know? I don't know. There's got to be, there has to be a way like that, you know, because what's going to end

up happening is everybody just becomes, ends up becoming homeless. Then rich people are going to have to do the jobs they don't want to do, right? The homeless people then end up dying off because then you don't, you don't know how to live outside. You know, so it's a slippery slope out there, everybody. Anyway, I'm going to clean my fucking house up today. You know, I'm having one of those days, you know, when quarantine, you can kind of let shit go, right?

The first thing I did was I got up and I took care of me, showered, shaved my head, trimmed up the beard, have myself looking successful. And now I'm fucking, I'm not going to, you know, I'm doing the laundry, I'm going to vacuum up, going to clean up the counters. You know, I'm doing shit that broads used to do, but now they think they're too good to do it, you know, like, but they're still not bringing home the bacon. You know what I mean? I'm just kind of not doing shit.

That's your modern woman. Why do I have to cook and clean? I got to fucking, I got shit to do. What are you doing? Same thing. I'm doing nothing. Go wash a fucking dish. You're not special.

You eat, don't you? Yeah. You're still eating, right? Well, then fucking wash something. If you're new to this podcast, I have no respect for women or the women's movement whatsoever. I think one of the big problems is when we let them out of the kitchen, you know, I mean, look, look what's happened.

You let them out of the kitchen and the next thing you know, they want a voice and then they have a voice and then all of a sudden there's no due process. I mean, it's, it's a very, you start to see why it is. All right. Got to clean the fucking house. You know, I'm out of swifters, you know, for the hardwood floors, but I refuse to buy any right now because they're price gouging. And you know what's happening right now, and I'm going to shoot one across the bow for

the swifter company here is I'm realizing that I don't really need a swifter. I just became dependent on it. And now that I've gotten clean and sober from swifter, I'm sitting there going like, why did I waste all that money on this fucking thing? I mean, people meaning women back in the day, you know, when they earned their keep around the house instead of just fucking walking around saying, well, fucking warriors, they are, you know, still even fucking spaghetti stained fucking plates all over the place. So I don't, I get that's a hero.

They used to fucking clean the house. They didn't have a swifter, you know, they had a fucking broom made out of a goddamn horse's tail. They kept it clean, you know, you think that's why men beat women back then because they didn't have the swifter. They could only clean up as, you know, with a horse tail fucking broom, then guys would get frustrated. Christ, I'm out there standing behind a team of oxen fighting off wolves and those fucking

indigenous people. When I come home and I came come home to a clean dirt floor in a goddamn lab locked cabin. I'm sorry if, um, all right. On the last podcast, I had a great Al Jurgensen and then Les Claypool came in. All right. So we've, we've come back to reality where it's just the ramblings of a bald beyond middle age at this point, I'm going to be 52. So if I'd say I'm middle-aged, it means I actually think I'm going to live to 104, which

I do. I think I'm going to see the seventies again. That is my goal. All right. That's my, that is my overall fucking goal, um, to make the seventies again, just to see what the fuck's going to happen. Why didn't I eat the fucking breakfast? I always get to eat breakfast before I do this goddamn podcast, getting the grumbling

tumbleys in my stomach. Well, what are you going to do, Bill? What are you going to do? Nutriciously. When you first make that first step of the day, it's so important, um, I've actually been eating pretty good. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. People, I don't, I don't like, what do I talk about?

There's nothing to talk about. I'm not watching the fucking. I actually watched Vanderpump rules with my wife last night and I'm kind of into the show now, like that's, that's where I'm at. And I was watching on reels, breaking the band. I watched a bunch of those that then they were just totally fucking cheesy. The best one was probably the Van Halen one because they actually had two members of the group, Michael Anthony and Sammy Hager.

They actually had two members of the group, but like the kiss one was just like this, this. Well, wait, I think they had a little of some interviews, like with ace freely and shit. I was never into kiss. They looked cool to me, but I just didn't know where to get to the music. I lived a very isolated life. So I didn't know where, what station I had no idea. I just knew there was this buddy of mine who could really draw and he would draw these

sick ass pictures of kiss. And then by the time, you know, I was a little bit older and I could go to fucking good vibrations of strawberries, records and tapes, you know, the place back in the day where you got your music. I was just too old, like the same thing that happened with kiss happened with Star Wars for me where by the time I actually watched it, I was too fucking old. I was like 14. So by the time I got into kiss, I was too old for the whole makeup thing, glam thing,

which is hilarious because I was listening to hair metal and I'm like, why are these guys dressed up like it's Halloween? They should be dressing up like fucking soccer moms, like these guys over, these cool guys over here. But I actually watched their story and it was, I mean, obviously it was complete trash. The show I was watching, it wasn't, but it was really interesting as far as the dynamic of the band where you had two sober business minded people in Jean and Paul Stanley with 100% their shit together.

And then the other two guys, Ace Freely and then Catboy, Peter Chris, would just fucking you know, acting like they were in Spinal Tap, was really fucking fascinating. And I kind of had like empathy for everybody in there where I was kind of, you know, they're just having a good, but once you start fucking up the shows, then it's like, all right, you're gone too far. The best thing is they showed them when they were on the Tom Schneider show and fucking Ace Freely is just cackling like, like the Joker in Batman and Peter Chris is cracking up.

They're having a great time. Fucking Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley are just sitting there staring daggers at them. But this is the funny, like, oh my God, can these two guys grow up in there? But they're doing it while they're wearing this ridiculous makeup. It's fucking hilarious. But anyway, so it goes through this whole fucking thing. So then, you know, it gets to the point where Peter Chris, I guess, couldn't even fucking physically play drums anymore because he was fucking doing so many drugs.

And actually when they fired him, he had auditioned to get back in the fucking group and he couldn't make the audition. And he had to look at drum charts of shit that he'd fucking put according to this trashy show I watched. I don't know how much of the shit's true, right? So they end up booting him out. He says it actually saved his life if he stayed in kiss, he would have died, right? So he, of course, inevitably fucking bottoms out, right?

And then what's his face? The other guy there, Frehle, is that how you say it? Frehle? It's like when you always said Demi Moore and then Years Later, you find, it's actually Demi. It's like, well, how many fucking interviews have you done? You should have said that in the beginning. So anyway, he ends up doing Frehle's, Frehle's, Frehle's comment, Frehle's comment.

And that band actually sounded really good, some of the clips that they showed. And so he kind of did his thing. So long story short, they get some other guys to come in there. One guy is like the fox, you know, the other guy's like a bassid hound. I don't know what the fuck they are. These other guys in the band, right? So then, I want to say Vinnie Vincent was in there at some point, right? Before he had the Vinnie Vincent invasion.

So long story short, like 15 years later, they get into the rock and roll of all the fame. I'm kind of jumping around here. Anyway, they all get back to fucking together. They get back together and they're going to do the original lineup. But what happens is, you know, Gene and Paul are like, well, here's the deal. You come back, you come back, you come and back as hired guns. You're not coming back as full-fledged fucking members, all right?

And then they're like, well, what the fuck, man? And they're like, well, what do you mean, what the fuck? You were on drugs and you fucked the whole thing up. And we've been keeping this thing going for 15 fucking years. And they're like, well, hey, man, like you're playing bigger venues now, man, because we're here. So like, what the fuck, man? And I kind of understood both sides of that argument where I totally understood Gene and

Paul. It's like, yeah, dude, you guys fucking left and we kept the fucking business going. And now you're coming back and you want to fucking just pick up where you left off after having not done shit for this band for 15 fucking years. But then on the other side, they were playing bigger venues because it was the original lineup. So but 100% you got to bring them back as hired guns because you can't let them back in the band because then all of a sudden you got to go through legal horseshit to try to get them back out again when they inevitably start doing drugs and fucking up again.

You know what I mean? I mean, this is, this is getting, you're getting back into an abusive relationship. So what they should have done was just giving them a really generous hired gun amount of money, which I don't know that they did. I think they for some reason gave Paul Stanley more money than Peter Chris and then Paul Stanley got hammered one night and he was friends with Peter Chris and he had to tell him, Hey man, you know, they're giving me 10 grand more show and Peter Chris was, you know, was just like, well, what the fuck, man?

And then they had to give him 10 grand more show and then the whole fucking thing ends up falling apart. And then they get to the rock and roll hall of fame and then they don't want to fucking play with those guys and everybody's going like, come on, man, you couldn't just fucking, it's 15 minutes of your life. It's like, no, it isn't, no, it isn't, it's not 15 minutes of my life. We have to rehearse for fucking weeks. And then we also have to worry that this fucking guys are not going to be up to snuff when we

go to play. And then we're going to sound like shit, there's a whole fucking business to it. You know, I actually gained a tremendous depreciation for, for the whole band. And I was actually watching it realizing that I'm somewhere, my personality is I'm somewhere between the sober fucking business minded person and then the fucking idiot cackling on, you know, on the Tom Schneider show. Anyway, she should check it out. It's really, it's called, it's called breaking the band.

I mean, the Zeppelin one was so bad at no point that they ever even mentioned what a great drummer John Bonham was. They just keep going, you know, and then it's 73 yada, yada, yada, yada, seven years from the band breaking up. And then the way that they talked about the band breaking up, they made it seem like, I don't know, just the way they did it. They didn't never even remotely touched on that John Bonham was just such a force of nature that the band would have never sounded the same and they couldn't continue on

the way that they were like, they kind of left it open. It was an open ended. It's like, no, it wasn't, it was done. It was done just because they got together for, you know, for fucking live aid. And when the guy from Atlantic Records died, I don't know. What are you talking about, Bill? I don't know. What the fuck are you talking about?

I haven't, I got nothing. I got nothing. It's called breaking the band. It's on reels. I watched all of them. I watched the kiss. I watched the fucking, I got the journey ones this week. That's what I'm doing.

Give a fuck. What else am I, I've watched all the old sports I can watch at this point. I'm actually now looking up quarterbacks from the NFL before I even knew, you know, like I can name most of the starting quarterbacks in 1978, you know, around the league. But that it's that group right before them that I'm now fascinated with, which I only know a few like guys like Jim Hart and Craig Morton, guys who's in Frank Tarkin did who stuck around into the era that I knew. But you know, I was just, I was just looking, I was looking up the fucking Philadelphia Eagles.

Some of the fucking quarterbacks that they've had, they had Norm Van Broklin, Roman Gabriel. They had all these guys that like, they were like one championships elsewhere and then fucking came to the Eagles in 1960, somebody, I think Norm Van Broklin went with them in 1960. I'm not sure. It's just new information to me. I don't fucking kill me about this, but I was kind of like, well, who the fuck was quarterback before Ron Jaworski? Who the fuck did they have?

And they had some guy, because I was watching these highlights from like 1972 when I saw this guy like number 14 or something like, who the fuck is that? And I looked the guy up, I already forget his name, but like he did great in college. I think he tried to be in the NFL, didn't work, and then he did great in the CFL. And then he came back. He came back with the Eagles. When the Eagles had those great white helmets and the wings of the Eagle were green. And I was watching all those highlights and all of the fucking teams where they played

was amazing. They all played in just baseball stadiums. Like the Giants played in old Yankee Stadium, old, old, original Yankee Stadium, not after they redid it in the early 70s. The Giants played, I think Yankee Stadium, maybe Polo Grounds Yankee Stadium, Shea Stadium, and then Giants Stadium, and then the, this new fucking one or something like that. So I was watching all those old ones because the fucking, the lines are playing in Briggs Stadium.

It's my dad calls old Tigers Stadium, Cleveland Browns playing in the municipal stadium. The fucking Colts are playing in Memorial Stadium. I think where the Orioles used to play. And I was just thinking like, wow, man, like at what point, you know, it was way cheaper back then to have four sports teams when they were, when the hockey and basketball teams were sharing bunk beds and so was the football and baseball team. And now it's like you need at least three arenas, you know, basketball and hockey seem to always have like their, they always share for the most part.

But like at some point, like the NFL is just like, Hey, like, who's kidding who? These are actually baseball stadiums. Could we have our own stadium? Yeah. Like I was looking up the fucking Raiders. The Raiders played in San Francisco initially, then they played in this little shit park. A lot of them are still around too. Some of these original, not the cookie cutter baseball football complex, but the ones that

they played in before that some of them are like still around. Like where the Bengals first played is where the University of Cincinnati plays, I believe. I don't know. This is just the dumb shit that I'm looking up and I'm into it and I'm not going to stop because I like Pat's summer home. All right. Let's, let's read some fucking some of these questions I didn't get to when I had Al on. I believe his, his album and everything comes out.

The new ministry album comes out tomorrow and then that would be April 24th. So download that, whatever you got to do, how have you kids digest your music these days? All right. Shoots and ladders slash Candyland. I was talking about, I've been playing that because all the time with my daughter and how just shoots and ladders can just go on forever. It's space 47 and 49. I just can't get past.

I think that's what they are. It's just both of them have fucking slides and I mean, I, I, I need four attempts before ever get by it. And I always hit that little ladder that takes you up to space 44, you know, I always hit that one. All right. When I was growing up, I too played shoots and ladders and Candyland with my folks. However, we also had a third one, which is no longer in stores, Uncle Wiggly.

Take a look at that one. It's neat and well with well dressed rabbits and old timey art style. Think small town soda shop. What I got to look that up right now. You know what book I want to buy my daughter that I keep telling my wife that it's a real book and she refuses to believe me is the five Chinese brothers. And if I remember correctly, it was, it was about this kid. I know I've talked about this before, but what the fuck do you want from me?

They had, uh, there was these five, five Chinese brothers, right? And each one of them had this, they were like the X men. They all had this supernatural fucking gift. So one of them could swallow the ocean. So he fucking, so one of the fishermen goes, Hey, can you do me favor? Can you, can you drink up all the ocean so I can walk out and pick up all the fish? And the kid goes, Yeah, no problem. All right.

But here's the thing. I can only hold it for so long. So when I start waving my arms, that means to come back in so I don't spit it out and you drown. And the guy's like, Yeah, no problem. So he fucking drinks the whole fucking thing up. His cheeks are all puffed out. I mean, you know, as far as physics goes, it makes no fucking sense.

He should be three quarters the size of the globe as far as I'm concerned, right? But they weren't. He just had them all puffed out like it took a big drink of water. So the fucking guy goes out there. He starts picking up the fish and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So the kid starts waving his arms and the guy gets greedy. He doesn't turn back. He's still looking at the fish and finally kid can't hold it.

He fucking spits the ocean back out and the guy drowns. This is a kid's book, by the way. He fucking drowns. So now they're like, Oh, you drowned that guy. And the kid's like, why can't I fucking told them, oh, you fucking, if I wave my own day, that's not an excuse, kid. We're putting you to death. So I think they were all, they were like twins, the five of them, whatever the word is, sick

of fans. What's, what's for five? Quinn tuplets is triplets, quintuplets. Hey, Nia, what, what do you call it when you have five babies at the same time? What are they called? Quinn tuplets. Thank you. Forever.

If I'm ever on who wants to be a millionaire, you're going to be one of my lifelines. Quinn tuplets, Quinn tuplets, right? So they can't tell them apart. So the first thing they're going to do is they're going to like burn the kid to death. Something crazy like that. So one of the kids, the X-Men kids, his brothers, he's like, Hey man, listen, I'd swell the ocean and drown this guy and they want to burn me to death. Fire doesn't hurt you.

You fucking show up for my execution tomorrow and they're like, all right. So he goes down there and they try to burn him to death and it doesn't fucking work. And then they try to do something else. I can't remember what stab him to death and the other kid can't get fucking stabbed. So he shows up long story short. They try to kill this kid fucking four or five times. They can't do it. And then the end of the book, they're like, well, I guess we can't kill him.

And that's how it ends. As far as I remember. So I'm ordering that book today. I got, I got to remember how that goes. All right. Wiggly Wiggly board game is a track board game based on characters in a series of children's books by American writer Howard Roger Garris. It's not a law firm.

That's a guy's name. Howard Roger Garris. The game is of the racing variety in the style of Europe, the European goose game. Racing is in quotes and I can, what is a goose game? Wiggly's advance along the track from Uncle Wiggly's bungalow to Dr. Possum's house. All right. I don't like the sound of that. There is no optimal strategy involved as playing entirely rest upon random drawing of cards.

The game was first published by Milton Bradley in 1916 and has several additions with minor modifications over the years. Uncle Wiggly remains one of the first and favorite games of childhood and with Candyland is considered a classic juvenile American board game. That's the goose game. Goose game, bunch of goddamn eggs. The goose game, the game of goose or the goose game. That's how you know how down to earth a person is.

What do they call it? You want to play the goose? Hey dude, you want to play the fucking goose game? Would you like to play the game of goose? Is a board game where two or more players move pieces around a track by rolling Diav gives a fuck. That one. Dude, that one looks like a Ouija board.

It looks scary to me. Uncle Wiggly is like, this is like when they didn't realize pedophiles existed, they just call them dirty old men. All right, let me see some images of the Uncle Wiggly game. Uncle Wiggly. All right, it's a hat, that's a rabbit with a top hat. High stepping down the fucking road. Oh wow.

I can see why I went out of style. It just kind of looks boring. I don't want to go all Tom Hanks and big, but I don't get it. All right, painters. Painters aren't all dopes. We got one from the painters. I was teasing them a few podcasts ago because I needed to piss somebody off so I could get some more emails.

Here we go. Hello Bill. Your recent podcast Trashing Painters was hilarious, but jokes aside, I am 23 years old and a licensed general contractor. Right there. I told you painters are dopes. I'm the fucking 23 years old, you're already a licensed general contractor to paint. You know, you can't be a 23 year old doctor, can you, Nia, unless you're a doogie houser.

I took over my dad's construction business and I am privileged much. I took over my dad's construction business and I am blessed to have learned many skills from him. I started learning a trade instead of, you know, not learning a trade. Started good. Your heart's in the right place. Our services include framing, siding, flooring, bathroom and kitchen remodeling, concrete work and yes, painting.

Yeah, you're trying to fucking do it all here, man. Painting was a crucial aspect of many jobs because almost every job where you build a remodel required it. I respect the trade and don't think they are all dopes and idiots because there's a surprising number of people that can't paint good to save their life. Yeah, 99% of them. You haven't go in a fucking room if your kids stand and then they're gonna fucking paint him too.

Remember all those fucking asshole, every goddamn house they got, they fucking, they go to paint a door. They paint all four sides of it. They over all the hardware, everything. There's your white door. Fucking dopes. Anyways, but there are professionals in paintings and it isn't a joke trade. If anybody knows a good painter, please let me know.

I do find it as the easier part of the job sometimes, but things can get complicated with spraying or texturing walls and ceilings. Yeah, this is the art form of it that seems to have died. You have to do a great job when you're working on huge, expensive homes. It isn't just a stroke with a brush sometimes. This young man gets it. This young man gets it. He does get it.

He gets it. This man gets it. We got great chemistry today, Nia. Also painting was a segue for me. Like that thing fat people do use who don't want to walk? You know what? What? You need to stop it with that.

He capitalized segue, S-E-G-W-A-Y. That's how you spell segue. It's a different kind of segue. Isn't that how you spell the one that fat people use because they don't want to walk? I don't think so. Why don't you read the rest of the sentence so you can get the context? Why did he capitalize segue? Like it's the fucking thing you write.

Stop reading in the middle of a sentence. See, this is what drives me crazy about you. You have so little patience and your ADD is on like fucking 25 that you can't even complete a sentence without like going off into some sort of tirade. Just read the fucking sentence. Good morning, Nini. This isn't how she usually talks to me, all right, because I slapped her early in the relationship.

No, you didn't. That's not funny. I let her know who was boss. No, I woke up a little earlier than she wanted to. So she's grumpy. You're fucking brushing your teeth this morning with your electric toothbrush. That had like a mini chainsaw and it was just going on forever. I'm like, what are you doing?

You're supposed to brush your teeth for two minutes. Oh, is that what it is? Because you were going for like four minutes. It was just going and going and going. I'm like, and you're just in the bathroom for like half an hour. Like, what are you doing in there? Where are you going? Nowhere.

I said at the top of the podcast that during a pandemic quarantine, I think it's hygiene is very important about how you feel about yourself. Okay. And you're sitting here because you took a fucking 20 minute shower and like a 10 minute tooth brushing session. You feel good. I feel great. Okay.

Good. You were just up a little bit earlier than I thought you would be. Clean as a whistle. All right. Well, I'm sorry, Neil. Let's get back to the segue that fat people use because they don't want to fucking walk. Oh, I'm jealous of fat people. They just fucking, you know, whatever they want to eat.

They just eat and they just say, fuck it. Would you like some pizza? Yes, I would. Oh, everybody wants pizza, but you have to be like, no, I can't. They just get to do it. They're like the rich kids. They're like rich kids who just keep getting shit bought for them except it's food. Do you think it is?

It's about resentment because you feel like you have to be on a diet all the time. Yeah. That's not fat people's fault. That's your own thing. Also, I can lash out at people the way you're fucking lashing out of me. Why can't I lash out of Fatty's by the way? And Fatty's ain't paying my rent. Sweetheart, as I've said before, you actually are a low key fat person.

You have absolutely no control when it comes over sweets. So again, you and your judgment and your whole issues like you really need to look internally at that shit. I have and I use fat shaming to keep myself in shape, but I just don't know how to turn it off. So when I drive down the street and I see somebody overweight, you know, I start to roll down the window. Fuck it, Fatty, Fatty!

And you roll it back up. No, you don't. All right, we got one quick read here. Oh, look who it is. But I'm, but I'm, but I'm beyondies, beyondies, Fatty's on the fucking segues, but I'm the beyondies, beyondies. They got there because they eat sundaes. They like hot fudge and banana splits too.

If they shit their pants, this is what they do. They take out a pair of beyondies cause it's nice and soft and it won't chafe up their asshole. Even if they ate some roughage, beyondies, everybody. It's officially spring, which means it's officially spring cleaning time. Yes. The thing that if you're not doing it, you should, especially with your underway drool, and your relationship with toxic old tattered undies and move on to a membership with the

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That's meundies.com slash burr. You would be a terrible person if you did that. I don't do that. And I root for fat people. I root for them to get skinny. Stop saying that. Stop saying that. What am I supposed to call them?

Plus size? What do you care about what people are doing with their bodies? Mind your own fucking business. I'm so sick of these words getting taken away. Fat existed. It is. It's not a bad word, but you keep saying it like it's like this. I'm not saying it's a bad word.

No, you are. You're such a fucking judgmental asshole. Mind your own business. Being a judgmental asshole has gotten us to be a very comfortable, paying the rent, a very comfortable living. Fair enough. All right. You watch.

You put on a couple of pounds. You see what I do? I'll fucking walk right away from you. Shaming you. No way. Shaming you. I'll be the size of a beluga whale. You're still gonna walk away.

Oh my God. What? I was walking around the house the other day, all right, and you know, I was getting ready to take a shower. I was just in my boxers and our lovely daughter has a book about all different kinds of whales. And one of them is the beluga whale, which is an all like ghost white fucking whale. And you started saying, talking about body shaming, saying that I look like a beluga whale.

And then my daughter was saying, dad, beluga whale, your head. Your head is like the head of a beluga whale. I mean, that's about as mean as that's pretty mean, Nia. And I can laugh at it. All right, let's get to this segue. I am a beluga whale because like, like a beluga whale, I can also swim backwards. All right. Also, see, I learned something in kids books.

Okay. Painting was a segue for me to the construction trade because I got really good at it and it taught me discipline, patience, responsibility in the work you do. Don't hate on painters. Painting can look like an easy, dopey job, but so does any trade where you watch a professional do it. Your assessment wasn't 100% wrong. See, he knows I'm right.

There's a lot of bad ones out there. Can you at least go with me with that? Can somebody to like, I, like, if somebody can recommend in Los Angeles, the George Carl and Richard Pryor of painters, I will bow down to his bucket of fucking paint and brushes and hire the person in a minute. You know, it's a man, right Nia? Brods aren't going to go out there doing that backbreaking work and neither are fatties. Your assessment wasn't 100% wrong.

I got what you were trying to say, but it takes serious skill to be a professional painter. Yes, I agree with that. I just need to be, where are they? Where are those painters? He goes, I respect the trade of painting. So do I. And you should too. I do.

Anyways. All right. And he gives me a ridiculous compliment. Thank you. Um, yeah, I do respect it. I just find that 99% of people don't want to pay painters. So they just hired like fucking hungover college kids who will literally, if you, if you don't say that's a flat screen TV, they literally paint over the fucking thing.

All right. Angry bill. Yo, Billy young guns. If this whole pandemic was going down when you were younger, angrier, I really think you'd be losing your mind. I actually wouldn't have because, uh, no, you know, something I, when I first moved to New York and I had my little nest egg of money, I would have been, I would have been scared.

He said, you're the guy who told me about the zeitgeist. I forget what that means. And depending one world government, and now I'm watching a lot of that crazy shit happen. And I can't tell if I'm glad you're able to detach yourself from it at all, from it all, or mad that you're not taking the ride with me. Yeah. I can't do it anymore. I just can't do it.

Nobody cares. Not enough people care it's, it's, I'm not going to spend my life screaming at people selling them the sky's going to fall and then I'm going to die. All right. Human beings are inherently flawed and, uh, we're all human beings. All right. So anyways, he says Epstein. I know that guy, Bob Lazar, Lazar Epstein, Theo Epstein, great guy, conspiracy theory.

What's your conspiracy theory, uh, Bob Lazar and aliens. I don't know who that other shit is. Uh, you must get that a lot though. People wanting you, your take on things and hearing information that gets filtered through your beautiful red head, uh, in the end, I'm glad you're not consumed by it, but we'll have you back anytime. Now the only part of me with this whole pandemic thing is in quarantine is the conspiracy theory that I would present is that, you know, our economy is just the Ponzi scheme and maybe

it just ran out of gas and they need a scapegoat. So it's going to be COVID-19 tank the economy, not these fucking greedy, fucking Federal Reserve cunts. All right. Mom thinks I'm fucking crazy. Wee-dee-dee. Hi, Bill. I love the podcast and I've been listening since the summer of 2019.

My favorite is when your daughter comes on the podcast. That's adorable. Uh, when are you coming back to Massachusetts, Rhode Island or Connecticut? Well, this pandemic, I mean, maybe never. Um, hopefully by the end of the year, hopefully. Uh, my mom thinks I'm crazy and old for not wanting to do banking online. Yeah, I'd say, well, the problem is, is they put all your information online anyway in case you want to do it.

Anyways, he goes, I feel like someone is going to intercept the transfer or somehow get in the way between me and the things that need to go to the bank. I still like going inside and physically handing over my paycheck. I don't even do direct deposit. I even do that. I still get it mailed in and take it to the bank myself. Do you think I'm crazy or I'm just being smart? By the way, I'm 19.

Uh, yes, I think you're smart, but you also have to go to your bank and tell them to take your information off their website and then pray to God that they do it. But now, like, you can't even, you can't do that right now. Go to the bank and hand it in. You'll have to, if anything, you drive, if you have a, your bank does one of those drive-through ATM type things, you have to deposit it that way. But maybe they still like it doing that. I don't know.

I'm all about the convenience, man. I mean, I know no one else, my opinion, just sitting here. What, that was actually listening. But what about the ATM? I mean, that's like, you know, you're touching where everybody else is touching now, where if you go to the bank, you had like a one in four chance. The COVID guy touched the teller window where you're going up. Now the COVID person, and you know, it's a fatty, right?

I'm kidding. Um, you gotta wear your gloves, you gotta wear your gloves there, baby. Yeah. I like everybody has to have the surgical gloves on. You could wear gardener gloves, snowball fight gloves, the gloves. Hey, Nia, maybe I'm too hot for this podcast with my new beach body. My beach body.

Um, I, um, I think you're doing the right thing. I would always look at his abs every day. Huh? Bill wants me to look at his abs every day. Coming in. Every day it's like, look at me, look at me. It's coming back, right? It's coming back.

I look good. I look good, right? Yeah. I'm insecure and you're here compliments. Like your opinion means a lot to me. I think you look amazing. See what I did there. Advice everybody.

Dear. He walked right into that. You got too big a hot. Hey, uh, don't make me watch some documentary about what went down on the my three sun set or whatever. Oh man, you were a trooper last night. Nia sat with me on reels.

We watched behind the scenes of the Brady much and nothing, nothing really happened. So boring, but I did learn things, but I also fell asleep twice. Yeah. There was nothing really scandalous about the whole thing other than Robert Reed was just like, come on guys, can we work a little harder on the script? He thought it was corny and some storylines were ridiculous.

Other than that, nothing. The kids were growing up. I did love the point that somebody made where he was, he, he didn't even show up for the last episode. He's like, but then when they do the Brady, this is too ridiculous. But then when they do the fucking, what was it? The Brady bunch variety hour where they came out in, in character as themselves to do a variety show.

He was just like, yeah, yeah. He liked, he liked the, if it was a camp thing, he could get behind that. But if he's like, this is like a serious storyline, I loved it. All right. Advice, dear Billy biohazard, I need some advice on my girlfriend. We've been dating for seven months and I love this girl. Everything is awesome except one thing. She hasn't told her parents we are dating.

She is scared to tell them, um, tell them because a few years back, she came out as a lesbian to them. This was back in freshman year and she didn't realize she was bisexual at the time. She is scared that she would be in trouble if she says she's dating me a boy. I told her that they may have listened. If they had problems with you being a lesbian, maybe, you know, if you're coming back and I had a resexual thing that she's back, she must have prayed to Jesus, you can maybe get him, you know, you can come home for the holidays again.

She is scared that she will be in trouble if she says she is dating me a boy. I told it that she is 18 and it's her life, man. Why would she get in trouble? But every time I bring it up to her, she brushes it off and says she doesn't want to talk about it. I want some of your advice on what she should do about this. And maybe the lovely Nia could chime in with other perspectives. Love the podcast and as always go fuck yourself.

Nia. Um, well, I am neither a lesbian nor bisexual, but from what I understand, the bisexual thing is particularly hard for people to wrap their minds around. And I can't imagine how it must be for the person who is actually bisexual because you taught your whole life. You're either attracted to one sex or the other, but what if you're attracted to both? So I think that's probably a harder pill to swallow for some people.

The idea than just to say I'm a lesbian because now she feels like she comes home with you. It's like, wait a minute. I thought you were a lesbian. I guess you're not a lesbian and she doesn't know she hasn't quite figured out her own bisexuality and accepted that enough to be like, actually, it turns out I'm attracted to both sexes and this is who I'm with right now. Period point blank.

So I don't, she, you need to give her time with that one because that's, that's, that's difficult. So just let her figure it out on her own. Just be there for her. Be the best boyfriend you can be. That's what I'm doing. Be there for her. Be the best boyfriend you can be and just give her time.

All right. I, I disagree with that a hundred percent. All right. Cause I watched this video on a hippo the other night. Yes. I watched a video on a hippo. Now a hippo, everybody for throughout time has thought it was a vegetarian that it didn't eat meat.

See what I'm going with this? Yeah. That there, it was vegetarian V like vag. All right. It was only into the vagitarians, right? And it didn't like the meat. Cock hammer over there. So what they ended up discovering is that every once in a while when, you

know, the pickings get slim, you know, he swings his little stubby legs over the fence and gets a little cock and feather there. Right. He wants meat. He wants some fucking meat, but generally speaking, it's a vegetarian, but every once in a while, you know, it needs, you know, well, it kind of waits for lions to kill something. And when they're full and it knows it's not going to attack them, it just

basically comes over and opens its mouth. Like, look how big my fucking mouth is and you, all of you guys can kill me, but one of you is going to die. All right. Well, it just kind of slides in there and fucking, you know, finish this off. So this is the deal. This is what I would think. She's actually more lesbian than she is bisexual.

So the thing about it is that she's hedging a bet. She's having fun riding your dick right now, but in the end, she's going to go back to, I had a lettuce there, right? She's going to go back to the, she's going to go back to the vegetables. Don't say that. He loves her. Um, I would listen. Try to get the threesome while you still can.

Because I think it's going south. That's what my gut tells me. And I have to, I have to go with my gut. Your gut is telling you that to get a threesome in. Get that threesome. Get it going. No, um, I have no idea. This, because he, listen to these, I'm not a fucking psychologist.

I don't know what's going on. But my job is to keep the laughs coming. All right. There you go. The old hippo, the old bisexual hippo. Is it my advice? Cause my advice was the best advice, but is it your advice? Yeah, I would say your advice was the real advice.

And mine was just the silly, stupid one. We're playing a smart cop, dumb cop. All right. Music recommendations. Billy, check out the church. You always say you missed all the eighties music that wasn't hair metal. Oh, Jesus. How about the fact that he made me sit through a two hour documentary

about kiss as well? Oh, it was interesting. You know, it's funny for once I get the fucking TV and you bitch moaned and complain it. We also watch Vanderpump rules. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Real housewives, the fucking Kardashians, the fucking tattoo parlor show.

I thought you were asleep when I was watching the real housewives last night. I didn't realize you were awake when you woke up in the middle of your sleep and said something about the show. And I'm like, oh, shit. As I was screaming, as always, there was no screaming going on yesterday's episode. Oh, there wasn't. There was something that was loud. Something woke me up.

For someone who literally screams for a living, you certainly are sensitive to like the volume of people's voices. Yeah, I don't scream in the middle of the night with somebody sleeping next to me on a fucking bed. In the middle of the day, like you're when everybody's awake, you're doing a podcast in the basement and I can hear you from the sidewalk. That's how loud you are. You're just a loud talker.

It's an old house, Nia. The three stooges put the fucking installation in here. I can hear our daughter run down the fucking hall from outside. All right, that's true. Bam. Fucking crushing these arguments today. The hippo. I got the compliment I wanted.

All right. The hippo, man, the old hippo, bisexual analogy. It's as old as time itself. Music recommendations at the church. All right. You always said you missed all the music, 80s music that wasn't hair metal. They have tons of great tracks besides their big hit under the Milky Way. I know that song under the Milky Way.

You know, when somebody just gives you the name of the song, you just invent a fucking melody. A random melody. Wait a second. Let's look this up. The church under the Milky Way. I know, I know this. I know this song.

I know this fucking song. Oh my gosh, it's a fucking commercial. Can you believe it, Nia? What is this? It's a product that you're going to buy. Oh, yeah. Under the Milky Way. Wish I knew what I was looking for.

I know this song. Yeah, quit your whining. Yeah, he's actually really good. That's a good band. Oh, do you approve? I mean, yeah, I mean. That's it. Not everybody can have this shirt fucking licking their lips with a veil over one eye.

Okay. Prince. Yeah, stepping out of a bathtub with his junk barely behind the porcelain. You into that guy like that? You just. Oh, God, it was he was like a hairy eight year old. I couldn't stand that patch of hair in the middle of his fucking chest. I fucking hated it.

You know, the anniversary of his death was not too long ago. I'm not fucking with him as a musician. He's he's one of the greatest anything anybody's ever been. All right. But I did not need to see that guy walking around with assless chaps. I did not need to see that. Oh, I did. Oh my God, that guy was just like.

What's that thing where a baby looks like he's 80? He had the opposite of that where he looked like he looked like he was like nine years old. A man should never be described as petite. He was pretty. That's where he wore heels. He was he was a small man, but he was a mighty man. If if to all you young guys out there that are fucking, you know, you still got your lives ahead of you.

If you want to get as many women as you possibly can, the more effeminate you are. I swear to God, where the fuck was that information when I was a kid? Oh, God, here comes the Photoshop of me getting out of a tub with my orange patch of hair. Um, all right. Hey, Bill, check out Dave Matthews first EP titled recently. I think if you listen to how raw the band was and how experiential, what? It's a ex P. E. R. I. E. N. T. I. A. L. It was to not only have that lineup of musician with that guy singing and appeal to a bunch

of strangers. What then listen to live at Red Rocks to hear them in their prime. Everyone always talks about that album. That's the like everyone. Whatever you talk about, Dave Matthews band, you have to bring up live at Red Rocks. I used to be into Dave Matthews like pretty, pretty big time. Like in high school, like I used to make mixtapes off of the radio because I was, I would listen to two stations.

I would listen to V 103, which was like the black station in Atlanta. And then the other, I don't know, the white alternative one. It's kind of like think K rock for LA. So I have one side would be all my like R and B and hip hop wraps up and then all the other side. Black radio station. Yeah. And then all the other side. We got a lot of traffic y'all.

And then, um, shut up. And then on the other side, there's a traffic jam. This is the white radio station. Welcome to Atlanta. Yeah, basically. And then on the other side was Dave Matthews band. Fucking who was he? It's up in the morning.

Oh, pumpkin. Yeah. Guys. I love smashing pumpkins and like Alanis and Nirvana and that type of shit. But no, isn't it ironic? Dave Matthews band pretty heavy. Did you like when he was when he combined an Irish jig with the running man? Yeah, whatever he was doing on stage.

I thought it was so fun. He just seemed like he was having a great time up there. The drummer is incredible. He's like the dad of that fucking Yodeling fucking dude in the supermarket. The Yodeling kid who's on, uh, Crosstown train or whatever the fucking No, that kid is like country. I mean, I know Dave Matthews is from the south. Isn't he from like North Carolina or South Carolina?

And then I moved to Virginia. I don't know. I don't know where he's from. I don't mind Dave Matthews. At some point they became like the dead though with people following them around. There was just a bunch of people that followed the dead around too long. And then the dead dude died. And then they were just like, well, now what the fuck do I do?

I can't get a job. Well, you got a gap here in your resume. What have you been doing for the last 40 years? Going to concerts, man. You're tired of margaritas. Yeah. That's a really colorful tie you have on there. Yes, it is, man.

I got this on the tour in 74, man. Can I fucking, can I do your books, man? I think I was good at math before I took this trip, man. And they're like, you know, we can't fucking hire you. And then all of a sudden down the street, they just heard this man. And they're like, hey, man, it ain't the dead man, but it ain't a cubicle. I heard that. And then they just started following him around.

All right, Radiohead. I've always wanted to get into this band. Yeah. I had the one where he was trashing George Bush, the one after OK Computer. Radiohead. And I also remembered, I really like her, but I don't like myself. Why won't she go out with me? Why am I fucking here?

Because I am ugly. You know what? This is reminding me that I want to listen to an album that just came out. Well, first of all, everyone should download and stream Chelsea Peretti's EP. New EP. See, Chelsea, I'm plugging for you. And Mike Dean is this producer, and he released an album. And I want to listen to it.

All right, that was NPR, Nia. NPR energy, Nia. Radiohead. Bill, have you ever listened to an entire Radiohead album? I think I did. That's one of those bands I just don't think I'm smart enough to listen to. I think now is the time. OK Computer is the biggest album.

I'm going to do this, goddamn it. I also always wanted to get into that band. The Armenian guys. Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. System of a down. System of a down. I never knew the word, so I would just yell shut up the entire time it was on. Those guys, those guys fucking rock.

How are these fucking all like? He always, that guy always sings like he should have been holding a chalice leading you into battle. Bill, if you would, OK, whatever. I think you'd appreciate the drumming. Even though I know nothing about drums. No, I would fucking love that shit. I don't think you trust in my self-righteous suicide.

01:03:34,660 --> 01:03:42,660 I cry when angels deserve to die. Yeah, yeah, sorry. I didn't want to be that close to the microphone. I apologize. Uh, can you imagine if that was your son in the ends of singing like that? I'd just be like, what did I do to this kid as a child?

I know someone and that was her boyfriend for a very long time. Oh, well, aren't you in the mix? Waka, waka, waka. All right, overrated. That was me doing DJ scratching. Overrated, underrated, underrated, jazz. Jazz is one of the most. Jazz ever been underrated.

People who love jazz like act like it's the only music form that ever existed. Nobody underrates jazz. No, a lot of people who don't understand jazz think it stinks. Do you know I actually follow this jazz account on Instagram? No, Nia, but I now know that you're actually an interesting person because you follow a jazz account on fucking Instagram. Wow, Nia.

You're really reaching out, aren't you? Fucking sitting there talking like you went to a museum. All right, jazz. I know everybody's gonna be like, oh my god, you still have a home phone? Yes, I do still have a home phone. You know why? Because I never throw that. I throw my cell phone and sometimes I break it.

But the home phone I have respect for. Jazz. Jazz is one of the most influential types of music and popularized, complex, improv solos. Lots of people blow it off like it's an old style that doesn't even matter. Those are the people who don't understand complex rhythms, melodies, and harmonies. Well, let's be honest with it. It's not exactly, you know,

once it evolved into like bebop and all that, like you really had to have your shit together musically to understand a lot of what the fuck was going on. I mean, those guys, I mean, to this day, there's still people trying to break down some of that shit, isn't it? I always thought jazz after a while was music from fellow musicians, which I always thought was the genius of Miles Davis because no matter how complex his stuff got,

for whatever reason, it was still accessible to a dummy like me. Bill, you're into Miles Davis. Well, what are some of your favorite albums? In a silent way is my favorite one. And then four and more are my two favorites. I can listen to both of those albums on a fucking loop, driving across country, but I don't know. There's a lot of them I like.

I also like On the Corner. Sketch is a Spain and a lot of that shit, obvious stuff, bitches, Bruin stuff. Those are the more popular ones, but like the power rage of Miles Davis for me is four and more and in a silent way. All right, overrated, modern pop and rap. I swear every song is a trap, high hat with a clap or snare on either one in three or two and four,

not even singing, just kind of mumbling and people think it's great. Makes me so fucking mad to see people appraise their music like it's something when you need two people to make a track. A producer for the drum track and a singer. In a big band, you needed almost 20 actual musicians internalizing a beat and making music with each other. Let me know what you think of this. Love your daughter saying hi, reminds me of my niece.

Thank you and go fuck yourself, Billy Blowjob. I think part of being older. All right, I just ran out of batteries. I got to get off. The podcast is officially over because I'm out of batteries here. Yeah, I just think like that guy when he's 80, it's going to be effortless to do that rap part. The other people are going to have to be singing kind of thing.

They'll be like winded and he's going to be sitting in a wheelchair. All right, that's it. That's the podcast everybody for Thursday afternoon. Just checking in on you. I don't know what to tell you. Hopefully they'll open the economy again soon. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves.

Have a great weekend. I'll see you. Love's daughter is high and whispers near. A new season passes here. It says Rick gets to welcome circumstances. It's strange and wilder than ages. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 23rd, 2012.

And I'm doing it on April 24th. And I apologize for being late. I've just been a little busy. You know what I mean? That's not a conty thing to say. You know what I mean? I could have just said, you know, I apologize and now I got to say I'm busy. So what?

So I make you feel bad. You probably didn't feel bad, did you, you assholes? Anyways, this is the podcast and this week I have another special guest. Cheating again this week, making it easy on myself all the way from New Jersey. Ladies and gentlemen, the legendary. We brought you up a zillion times on this podcast. Paul Verzi. Oh, it's good to be here, man.

Paul, Vinnie, Michael, Anthony Verzi. What's going on? From fucking New Jersey. From New York. From New New York. And big time Jets and Giants fan, depending on who's winning. You know what's funny about that? People actually come up to me now and they were like, oh yeah.

Like some guy saw my name on a list to do a show and he goes, oh yeah. He goes, oh dude, Bill Burr was just saying that guy just listed like, you know, likes any team in New York who's winning and stuff. And he goes, yeah, he's right here. And I turn and he goes, oh, you're a poet. He goes, yeah, man, Bill Burr was trashy today. And I go, I go, what? What do you say?

He goes, well, you're from Jersey. I don't know. I'm from New York and I'm a Giants fan. He goes, no, he said you were a Jets fan too. I go, no, he didn't. He goes, yeah, he did. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I know you did.

I didn't. That's the exact reason why I did it. I did it so people would just be coming up to you. Yeah, she do it on your podcast. Just make up some shit about me. And then I'll have to deal with it. I did that with DeRosa. DeRosa, uh, when, when I, when I moved out to LA

and he slid into my spot in the opiate Anthony program, the running gag was that I was upset that he stole my thunder. That's the show that missed me. So I started calling him the teen idol sensation from the opiate Anthony program. And people started calling him that except he loved it. So now we just call him the sensation, which I think is one of the great fucking nicknames out there.

Joey roses. Joey roses is a great nickname. Nia came up with that. That's a great one. Joey roses. Like he should be called that. That's what he should be called. Yes, it's fucking old school.

So that makes me thrilled, thrilled that people are bothering you. The jersey thing is sticking, man. You're getting me with that. Dude, you look like a guy from New Jersey. I gotta be honest with you. Listen to this, to give people a background here on, uh, on, on Paul, Michael, Anthony, Verzi,

whatever, whatever Italian middle name you fucking. It's Thomas. My nickname is Thomas. My middle name is Thomas. All right. Paul Thomas Verzi is like, I can't tell you, he's, he's been going off on how fucking awful New Jersey is like a typical New Yorker.

What he does is he goes through the Lincoln tunnel and he drives to Newark airport. He sees Ikea and some of those awful chemical things. And then you, you start thinking that Jersey is less chemical things. Like they're not going down the whole term pike is less than the air is horrible. The traffic is terrible.

And the people with stupid, right? And what, and, and, and the, the, the people are stupid, right? No, no, I never said that. He said they're dumb. I never said the people are stupid. I said the crowds are a little dumb. You're going to pull back on the podcast.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The crowds are a little dumber in Jersey. There, just fucking say what you have to say. It's not even that they're a little dumber. They're just more like animals. Like, you know what I mean? They're animals. They're just like, you know, I gotta tell you,

you get more of that in Jersey. All right. I am not biased. Okay. As a fucking outsider. Yeah, you are. You, there's a party that I can tell you. Oh, I definitely hate New York, but I hate New Jersey too.

Just as far as like their sports teams, I hate them. I wish misery on all you guys because you're a bunch of cunts. And the only reason I'm saying that is because I've been behind enemy lines, but anybody from Jersey or New York who went to be you or came up and, and, and it's the same thing. When you're behind enemy lines, you, you hate, you thought you hate the Red Sox until you moved to Boston. Then you really fucking hate them.

And that's what happened to me. I lived in New York during that whole curse of the babe thing. And then we fucking finally beat you guys. And now you, you, you run and hide. His fucking Pete Corrielli says, y'all ran and hid. Oh no, I'm happy for you. I'm happy for you. See you later.

And everybody fucking ran out. Right. So, but I'm saying, but I equally hate all of that. So being unbiased, dude, I cannot tell the difference between New Jersey, a New Jersey crowd, a fucking upstate New York guy, like you and fucking Long Island out in governors. It's all the same. No, no, no.

No, I think the crowds, I think the crowds can be both good, but I think they're smarter in New York. I do. I remember one time Mike, these two finals on stage and he go, he did a joke and it didn't go, it, something happened in Jersey. He goes, right over the fucking bridge. That's okay. He was just comparing.

That's right over the bridge. I know. I'm not saying that they're not more suburban. Absolutely. But Paul, if you think that you're somehow smarter than those fucking jackasses in New Jersey, just from where I'm standing, I don't see the difference. I really don't.

That's ridiculous. You guys all do the same thing. Oh, whenever you eat into a sandwich and you like it, you fucking drop it for half a second. You look down the street like, oh, taste the fucking book in that thing. It's all the same fucking guy to me. Oh my God. I'm breaking you, but you can tell me you don't go to Boston.

It's not a bunch of fucking freckled face guys with clatterings. Oh my God. That accent fucking socks, dude. Oh my God. Terrific. Yeah, my friend, I'm not defending it. I'm not defending it. I'm not.

We're angry fucking psychopaths. We are. You have deep rooted hatred for New York because you were hurt by the Yankees. Here's a problem with you. You hate the Yankees more than we've had great discussions about sports. Yeah, I absolutely hate the Yankees. And as soon as the Yankees come up, I've seen a sport. I've seen you go from a fun, loving sports conversation to a Yanke,

and all of a sudden you just get evil. Because you guys, you just buy your way out of every fucking problem. Right, but that's not my problem as a fan, Bill. I'm not saying it is your problem. I'm saying why I hate it. Stop making it about you. It's about my hatred of the fucking Yankees. And all those stupid fucking songs if I can wake up and all the losers in New York,

walking around, eating fucking pizza, slice of pizza next to the Met, and your fucking sweatpants, you know, a fucking piece of work in there. But they think they're a part of it. That's what kills me. They think they're a part of it. The amount of people in New York live like fucking animals. And I know, dude, I live there. I fucking live there.

I was sleeping on a futon at fucking 34 paying 1,400 bucks a month in a fucking studio apartment that they slammed a wall into. And fucking told me it was a one bedroom until the night I went upstairs. I met the girl upstairs, right? Yeah. And I fucking went up to her apartment and she had the exact same unit right above me. And it was a fucking studio and she was paying way less than me. In a city that doesn't sleep.

I love New York. You got to a man. New York's great. It's the Paris. It's the Paris of the United States without a fucking doubt. I think it is our best city, but the amount of people who are in New York and who just think that they're winning just because they're there and they're not. And if they would just move across the fucking river into Jersey and not live like a fucking animal, they could just be as dumb.

They could still wear their sweatpants. There's good pizza out there, but they don't. They got to be like near all these things that other people are making money on so that they can feel like, you know, come on, dude, you walked. If you walked into one of those Trump towers, they spit on you. They throw you right out on the street. That's hilarious. They brainwash you after every fucking Yankees game.

Win or lose. You guys walk out. I see you walk out on air. You're feeling good about yourself. Yeah, I mean, listen, I'm happy. I'm happy I lived there. What do you want me to tell you? No, no, no, absolutely.

I know I'm not saying no and I'm saying it's awesome. I love it. I just hate the fucking Yankees. I don't even hate the Rangers and I love the Rangers coach. I actually really like the Rangers. I like the Rangers. I like the Islanders. I like the Knicks.

I like the Mets and you like the Giants and actually like the Giants. I like Giants. I love the Giants. I love how their defense first. I love, you know, I like the uniforms. I love how they went back to the old Frank Gifford. No, the Yankees ruined you. That's the one thing that I noticed.

No, it wasn't the Yankees. It was how it was also reading the sports page and just the fucking potshots they'd be taking. Because I was reading the Dan Shaughnessy's of New York, just taking these stupid shots and, you know, because they're just trying to sell papers because they're fucking lazy and all they got to do is trash the Red Sox, right?

Was that you who said Dan Shaughnessy brings baseball into everything, no matter what he's talking about? Oh, that's what I love about that guy. That guy, that guy, he has his hustle and he sticks with it. If he was talking about the Bruins last year and he's just everybody, like everything was a Red Sox reference. Milan Lucic, like the Grady Little of the Boston Bruins. Yeah, I was on the train with him once.

It was after you guys won it. I was just sitting there drunk. It was funny. It was drunk New Yorkers. You guys won Game 1 of, it was 0-3 or 0-4. Mike Messina lost the game. Oh, it was 0-4. We lost.

We lost the first three. Let me just remind you, we lost the first three and then somehow you guys lost four in a row. Biggest choke ever. Biggest choke ever. As far as like, you know, four or five first bell at Hall of Famers. Two and a 15 million dollars. I have to take that responsibility.

That was the worst. I know you do. That's like when you fuck up in a game and then afterwards you talk to the meeting going, I take full responsibility. We know you fucked up. Just sit there and listen to me say it. Yeah, could you have it?

It was funny watching Dan Shaughnessy's face on a subway in New York City with drunk Yankee fans who just saw their team lose Game 1 of a big playoff series and I was sitting there next to somebody and I'm going, oh, fuck this, dude. We're going to, and he was just sitting there kind of just like looking around with his eyes

and his froey hair and he's got that, you know, that little boy Irish. He's got to watch out now because he's on ESPN. Now he's not, he wasn't as well known back then. So yeah, he was down there covering it. His whole angle was the misery of Red Sox fans. So when they finally won, like his hustle was over, he didn't know what to do.

And I remember in 05, the Red Sox were in first place and we started to fade in September. This is 05, right? And he wrote some article. Is the curse back? And it was like the curse of what? Fucking 11 months ago? Oh yeah, because you guys got a thing with,

you guys got a thing with fade in September. How'd last year end up? Worst collapse ever. How'd that work out? Well, if we didn't win fucking nine championships in all sports, that would bug me. Yeah. You know what's great though?

That's all you got. You used to go back to 1918. You had to go back. You're giving me shit about September in 2011. Listen, Paul, this is what I realized. And this is what the Red Sox failed to realize. That in life, there are ups and downs. No matter how much money you spend,

because I'll tell you, I abandoned the Red Sox sometime in 2007. I didn't even watch that World Series because at that point we became you guys. We're just trying to buy it every fucking year. It's disgusting. Major League Baseball. It's fucking awful.

You guys at Walmart, we're fucking like CVS. You know what I mean? It's just, I don't give a fuck anymore. I honestly don't give a shit. And I remember I went to a Padres game, beautiful stadium down there, and there was nobody there. And I went there to the game with my mother

and she was looking, nobody in the stands. She goes, oh my God, she goes, this is a sin. This beautiful ballpark, it's not filled. And I was trying to explain to her. It is a sin. I was trying to explain to her though. Dude, we took the only fucking reason to go to the game, that whatever their first baseman is.

I don't watch baseball anymore. But he was the guy. He was their fucking cheater. And we bought him. Now there was no reason to go. So I was at that Gonzalez guy you got? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I don't watch baseball. I am way more interested in my New York Knicks. I am way more interested in other sports because I mean, I can't watch a... Well, I'm... ...Sherra, Jeter, Cano. You know, it really is. It did get ridiculous.

You can watch Cano. No, but... Cano is your boyfriend. No, no, no. Cano is my favorite baseball player of all time. For those of you guys who never listen to this podcast, Verzi has a fucking man crush. No.

I just love how you hate that because you're fucking so homophobic. No, the word man crush is so ridiculous. It is ridiculous. And you know what happens? Your eyes always get squinty and you get upset. And that's why I say it. This is why I like Robinson Cano

because dude, I fucking called it. That's why. I fucking called it, dude. Yeah, there's a classic Paul Verzi call. Classic Paul Verzi call. You call blue chip prospect and the Yankees system. He wasn't a blue chip. I'll tell you, I got a hunch on this kid.

You're telling me he sucked all the way through fucking baseball. He sucked, right? And that's why the Yankees brought him up. He came up and they're like, Hey, you know who else Paul called this year? Cam Newton, the Heisman Trophy winner. Dude, I got a feeling about this guy. Yeah, but every Heisman Trophy winner...

You're the worst. That's all I'm saying. No, no, no. I call... Paul, you call everybody. You call blue chips and then... No, no, no. Robinson, I'm never going to give you.

I'm never going to give it to you because I... Well, I'm not accepting it. They were like, oh, they're going to trade him to the twins. All my friends are like, this guy's just coming up because, you know, he's just coming up because we need a second base right now. All these guys that you can't bring in here is evidence. They all disagree with you. He's a Hall of Famer.

Paul, I never looked at the guy like he was a bum. I never did. I don't understand why you... This is the worst thing. Like Paul does that shit where he starts a sentence three fucking times. So anytime he'll call me up, like he made me hate this guy and I don't even watch baseball. He calls me anytime he does anything,

like a fucking eight-year-old still collecting cards. It'll be like, Bill, you watch the Yankee Game tonight? Oh, God, you missed it. Dude, Robinson Cano. Robinson Cano... Dude, Robinson Cano came up, laced the double, brings in Jeter. Oh, you always do that. That fucking joy in your voice and it just drives me...

I made you hate it. Yeah, you made me hate it. I know. But I will tell you this. You know what's funny? I was like, when we first started arguing Yankees, I would go, Bill, you're crazy. I would go, the payroll doesn't mean shit.

You know, it doesn't mean... Other players want to go. And all of a sudden we got, like, to share. And then we got, like... You already had A-Rod at that point. It was ridiculous. No, we were... And then after a while, I go, you know what?

I gotta... Look, this is how I look at baseball. You cannot buy a championship. All right, but you can turn making the playoffs into a layup. And this is the deal. You can miss a layup like the Red Sox last year. Anybody can miss a layup.

And like the Brewers, you can hit a half court shot. But generally fucking speaking, if you look at the American League East, it's been Yankees Red Sox every year to the point unburned out. Like, dude, I used to get so fucking amped up for those games. And part of it is because we won a World Series. But I gotta be honest, dude, when you haven't played each other 50 times a fucking year,

and they're always in first place, always in second place, it's like watching a comic who's on 10, the second they get on stage. And they're screaming like they're doing their closing bit. For the first 12 minutes, you're exhausted. You're like, all right, I got it, I got it. I got to listen to the 50 minutes of this. I can't listen to that anymore.

I actually think the baseball season is just long and drawn out. Like, I could really give a shit until August, September. I think it's too long. I'm bored to tears with it. I think baseball... The older I get, the more I think baseball sucks. Oh, really? Yeah, I still think it's a great game.

I watched Kansas City of Against the A's the other day, and it was like a rain delay, and there was nobody in the stands. And I loved it. I'm a grumpy old man. Dude, I gotta tell you something. When we were at that Laker game and we were watching that, I just said to myself, this is fucking awesome. Basketball is fast-paced, you know, good passes.

The flow... It's the shit until the end. Until the end. Until the end. Well, you don't like the bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb. Oh, anytime. You know, during the whole game. Are you ready?

Ready! Yeah, they do that. That's just to get the crowd pumped up and stuff, but... Yeah, but what kind of fucking loser fans do you have that you have to have a hype man the whole show? That's true. That's true. Bomb, bomb, defense, bomb, bomb, defense.

Dude, back in the day, you used to judge the fans by what they chanted. You can still kind of do it like the way Flyer fans chanted when they went up three games to none against the Penguins. They just spontaneously started chanting, You Can't Beat Us. It was fucking great.

Now, that says a lot about your fans. There's like a personality. There's a character to that. But like, you go to a fucking Laker game and they have like a DJ. They even have like a, they have a fucking nightclub. I sat up there for like a King's game. It's the stupidest shit.

In between periods, they start playing like music and there's like chicks dancing. It's the stupidest fucking thing ever. But like basketball, I like, the only thing I don't like is in the end, I just don't like how it's this war. And then in the end, I watch them take unguarded shots to win the game. It's like anti-climatic and then timeout, timeout TV.

Oh, they got, that was a good foul. They had a foul to give. And then they stopped the clock. And then the worst is when the other team has already lost the game and just to be cunts, they call timeout again. And you're just delaying the inevitable. And you feel like a landlord

trying to get some piece of shit out of the apartment. Yeah, I make sense. But they got, but they got to hit the shots. That's the one thing about it. You got to hit the foul shots. You know, I know, but it turns into golf balls. It's like a guy lining up a putt now. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It gets drawn out. It gets drawn out. But I'm such a sports. I'm so nuts with sports. I don't get how, like, I, you know, there are some people like, I like it. Quick, it's in and out.

I'm like, why? I gotta tell you, hockey's starting to do that. Hockey, this is the thing about hockey. You get one timeout a game. I think you do because I've watched it for 30 years. They never used them. Every once in a while, they'd call a timeout. And the coach would just be sitting there

with a rolled up program screaming at guys. Just people would just take a timeout because he couldn't wait to the end of the game to tell the team how fucking disappointed he was with the way they were playing. And that was the timeout. Now I'm finding at the end of the game, they're starting to call timeouts at the end of the game

and it sucks because that's what I like about hockey. I like how it just keeps moving. And people, they get involved in like the scoring and everything. And I totally understand that hockey's a very difficult game if you didn't grow up with it to get into. It's a very difficult game to watch on TV. But once you fucking understand it, it's the best.

Dude, that Flyers Penguin series was the shit. Dude, you want to talk about fucking animals? Okay, you know I'm not a big hockey guy. I love the three major sports. Maybe it's because I grew up in New York. I'm not a hockey guy. Never was. My uncle took me to...

It's a fast game, Paul. It takes a certain level intellect. My uncle took me to an Islanders game years ago. But this shit, this playoffs, it's like fucking MMA on skates. These guys are fucking barbaric. That shit, that highlight game I saw against up, it was New York and Ottawa when the guy just came up

and it wasn't like, you know the typical fight where they wait, they look at each other. The officials know it's going to go down. Gloves come off and they get... It wasn't that. This dude just came up and basically you could tell, you could watch as he skated. He mentally just tapped out of the game

and said it's fucking... It's Don fighting this guy. He came over, he just started fucking teeing off and this guy benches cleared and I just saw blood and guys just looking to hurt somebody. And I've never seen that. It's almost hilarious to me. But that's what kills hockey is because

those are the highlights they show. Like you know what What's His Face Did There? Metta world peace in the game we went to where he threw the elbow. It was the word, it's so stupid. I love that name. No, but the fact that people actually call him that and like correct themselves, oh I mean meta.

You got it, you got to go Coach Sell on that. Like how Coach Sell would say Ali and everyone was going Cassius Clay. You got to go Metta world peace. It's just, he's such a nut job that... It's fucking beautiful. You know what it takes me back to when I first started watching the NBA

and that guy World B Free was in the league. I think of, I don't want to slander the guy, but I think he had some issues and then he came around and then he changed his name to World B Free. It was great. He went bald the way old school people went bald where he didn't shave the sides, you know.

Black guy, he had the John Amos thing going on. And he played for the Cavaliers by the time I was watching him. I forget who he played for before that, but he was a guy who, I may be confusing him with Maurice Lucas as far as like his background. I can't remember if he had the same recreational issues. But like, dude, the NBA in the late 70s, right before Bird and Magic came in,

was this weird time when they basically, they'd merged with the ABA. Ratings were so fucking low. First of all, they had a major drug problem because that's when Coq came around and they came up with the brilliant thing saying that Coq came was no more addictive than caffeine. It was kind of a rich person drug.

Oh, I remember you were going to say that. Yeah, and everybody got like, everyone football, Hollywood Henderson, all these guys. So there was a bunch of guys who had fucking Coq came problems were in the league and white people were still getting used to the fact that black people own the sport and that it wasn't coming back, you know, anytime soon. It was fucking over.

All of a sudden, Dr. J brought the game above the rim. Once it was above the rim, it was over. All you could be was set shot Johnny or a good fucking passer as far as a white guy, which is something I think I've talked about in this podcast is how whenever we go to an NBA game, we have that inside joke. When the white guys screws up,

we just look at each other and we go, fucking white guy, the best fucking white guy. The best was when we went to Portland, we went to Portland and the guy did it and in unison at the same time. Yeah, you said what did he do? He missed a dunk like he was like a wide open layup. It was just something that was absolutely so horrible and just such bad and he looked horrible doing it.

He looked horrible doing it. And you said you mentioned this once before, but we looked at each other and it was in exact center. We just go fucking white guy, fucking white guy. Get him out. Get him out of there. Get him a clipboard and some fucking long slack set of suit or something. He looked bad. It was something easy.

It was something that should have been terrible. Oh, it's terrible. We're off. We don't even look good. Even the good guys don't look good. Does Dirk Nowitzki, does he look good? No, we were talking about if we did a... Larry Bird, did he look good when he did the things he did? He didn't. It just went in.

Well, no, but Dirk's like, there are certain guys with unacceptable faces. That's why I was thinking about the website. UnexceptibleFacesInSports.com or WorstFacesInSports.com, which we were talking about. And yours, who are the ones you hate the most? Oh, Scott Brosch is Sonny Yankees. Third baseman Yankees is one of the worst.

Who did you hate on the Red Sox? We just trade him to the Phillies. Oh, my God. There was nothing worse in sports, nothing, than that fake, like, hardcore, intense look-in that Jonathan Papel brought back. I love how you had to say, say, fake. Because you knew he was striking out your player.

He made his lips kind of come together and he looked in like he... Yeah, his lips came together and he had the thing and his eyes came down. And he just stared and then he did the thing and it was just almost like, okay, the big, the big dramatic. Oh, it was the absolute worst. Pedroia's face is a little unacceptable, but he actually tries hard, so I like that guy. But what do you think about Reggie Miller's face?

Tries hard. The MVP? There's something Cano's never done. It's kind of easy to be the MVP when you're fucking nestled in there between Jeter and Tashara and A-Rod. Gee, you're seeing a lot of pitches. Dude, Robinson Cano. Robinson Cano.

Dude, Robinson Cano. Oh, you're the single. No, do you think we were talking today about Reggie Miller's face? Does Reggie Miller have an unacceptable face? No, mine would be Tashara. Tashara's got a definitely... Tashara? I don't know what it is.

When he's in an interview, he looks intelligent. When he's out in the field, he looks intelligent. The second that bat goes above his head, I don't... He looks like some extra on fucking the Andy Griffith show. No, he does. He looks like he's having a hard time thinking. He looks like he's going to puke.

Zero IQ is what he looks like. I don't know if he shuts his brain down and just be the ball. See the ball, be the ball. I don't know what he's doing, but he just looks like dirt. I think Dirk Nowitzki's got an unacceptable face in sports. He would be on the list. I don't know how high he would be, but he's got an unacceptable face. Who did you say was worst and brocious?

You said somebody... Oh, you said somebody was worst and brocious. Oh, going through the years as far as awful faces. Danny Ainge, as far as his... Oh, Pau Gasol. Oh, Pau Gasol. When Pau Gasol, when they call a foul on Pau Gasol, oh, that's the worst thing.

Oh. He's got an unacceptable face too. Nothing worse. You would think that somebody just said, yeah, listen, Pau, your career's over. You're not making any more money. That's the face he makes. Like, nothing's worse than an athlete that is good and just ugly.

And every time you see me like, Larry Bird wasn't a good looking man, Bill. Yeah. Notice you hate all Boston guys. No, no, no, I'm just saying. Because they crush you guys. No, I just think a lot of their faces are unacceptable. I never found any of the next faces unacceptable. I love their look of defeat every time we played them in any major game.

Dude, are they ever going to win a championship? This is one thing I got to give you shit about. You got to admit at this point, you could say at the very least, New York definitely has a problem with crowning people king and giving them ridiculous nicknames before they've done. They have like five. Like Lynn Sanity. You can add that to Sanchez man genius Godzilla.

Godzilla was great though. I like, I like the name Godzilla. But Godzilla Godzilla because he dominated the Japanese League, which at this point I'm starting to think I could play over there. The fact that Valentine won the World Series, all those Japanese players who've come over there and all of them at best, they're fundamentally sound except for Ichiro. And they all come over here like, like Dice K, the gyro ball.

What's his face? Matsui coming over Godzilla. He's going to hit 800 home runs. You know what dude? They don't know. Okay. They're trying to ask to know you go to the Dominican Republic, Republican, Republican, the Dominican Republic.

That's where you go. That's where it starts. That's where Robert's a connoisseur from. That's where. Yeah. Exactly. And you called him. It's amazing.

I can't believe that. That and Cam Newton, dude. I don't know how you figured that one out. No, no, no. But the Cam Newton thing, all I was saying was that. Who'd you disagree with? That guy with the game show host hair on ESPN?

01:34:19,540 --> 01:34:22,980 A lot of, a lot of Heisman trophy winners coming to the NFL and they're busts. And you know that they're fucking busts. And everybody. I do. I do know that, Paul. But I also know that you, you, you first of all, every year you call 20 things. You like the guy who, who you bet you bet show place to win. You fucking bet everything.

You go everything straight across the board. And then at some point you're going to have a winner. No, no, no. No, no, no. See, this is what this is. Paul, I'm standing up right now because you're really fucking bugging me. You're the one, you were with all those clowns on ESPN telling me that fucking, that fucking, uh, that Peyton Manning was better than Tom Brady.

When, when Peyton had zero rings and fucking Brady. I was, I was, I was definitely wrong about that. Okay. You talked me out of that. But since then, I'm admittedly way too harsh on that guy. But the unbelievable level of fucking disrespect Tom Brady got. He had three fucking rings and they were still going, but dude, I got to tell you, you know, I got to tell you if I got to start at fucking guy, but blah, blah, blah.

And all these stupid cult fans this year who said the cults go and look fucking oh and 14 is a testament as to how good Peyton Manning is. It's, it dude, it's partly that and it's partly how awful your fucking franchise was. How zero, you had zero depth at the quarterback position because the guy had never missed a start and he lulled you into this false sense of security where you went from fucking Peyton Manning to some guy you got off a cot. Well, that's just it. Without him, they were nothing and you can't have that.

That's and they were also already on their way out and they weren't going to win 13 games this year with him. They weren't, they were all, they were on their way down. Double digit wins. I think they'd have with him this year. I think that I think he did get to the playoffs. Ten and six, maybe 10 and six, maybe 11 and five, but they weren't going to be 13 and three. Dude, they couldn't even beat the fucking Jets last year.

They had the game one and they still blew it. That's another thing too. Too many first round losses with that guy, but I have a feeling I don't think he's got enough guys out there, but I mean, look, I have admittedly, you know, this is the real thing of my hatred of Peyton Manning. My hatred of Peyton Manning stemmed out of the complete disrespect of Tom Brady. And then I blamed it on Peyton Manning as if he said it. I mean, the guys obviously first ballot fucking Hall of Famer, but I gotta tell you,

dude, he's got too many first round playoff losses against too many mediocre fucking teams. I've talked about this many times. Tom terrific. And he doesn't deserve to be called anything else besides Tom. Tom terrific is the fucking, I think I've made it. We've gotten too many arguments. I think if he gets one more, it solidifies it. I think that that man has played the position as good, if not better than anybody else ever.

And Peyton Manning shows you can't throw a pick six in a Super Bowl. Can't do it. Throw a pick six in a Super Bowl to lose it. To lose it. Yeah, to lose it. That's bad. That's bad. But I'll guarantee you this.

I'll guarantee you this though. If, if he wins the second one, if he wins another one with the Broncos, you'll never hear Tom Brady's name. It'll all be about, it'll all be about him. He just, he has that thing because you know what I think? He had the advantage of when he went outside in his backyard to play catch. He was playing catch with the fucking professional quarterback. So the guy, the guy's like, mechanically, he's fucking flawless.

Oh yeah. And he's flawless. He is the anti Tim Tebow. He might be one of the best. But I'll tell you, brother, his brother, if you could insert Tim Tebow's heart into that giant 10 man Frankenstein, you would have the ultimate quarterback. I think Eli Manning.

I think his brother Eli Manning has a lot more balls and is, is, you got balls. I don't get mad at that. No, Eli's a fucking winner. Dude, he's got ice in his veins. He's a, he taught. Absolutely. You don't need to tell me that.

He fucking stuck me in the heart twice. He's another face guy though. He's another guy. You look at his face and it's, it's, it's just, you know, you don't think he's got the heart that he's got when you look at his face. Yeah, both of them. I don't know what it is about their faces. They, you know, that old joke.

He doesn't quite look done yet. Put them back in the oven. They both have that. They have, they have cookie dough faces. Yeah, but I think, I think Peyton is, I think Peyton is definitely. No, Peyton's the, Peyton's the man. Eli's the fucking man. I, I look, I just get people going on the podcast,

but I obviously don't fucking disrespect those guys. And I obviously know that the Broncos are going to be a way better team. And I respect the fact that, that this is what actually made me like Peyton Manning now. I actually kind of switched because he could have gone with the 49ers. And, and that, and that when he did, and he said, I don't want to, I don't want to be like, like thinking that I just piled on. So right then that's, that's it. Because that, that Clemens shit, when I watched Clemens win those two rings,

when he jumped in the limo, when you guys fucking were already winning championships, and he slid his fat, roided ass through the sunroof. And you know, it was worse than that. He said before that he would never want to play in New York. Like that's another thing about that guy. I think that that guy is just a bad human being. I really don't like that guy. There's nothing likable about him.

And you know what the funny thing is? Every time I saw Roger, Daddy can beat the shit out of both of us. Every time, yeah. Every time I saw Roger Clemens. One of these days I'm going to run into one of these people I'm talking about. I'm being fucking trouble. Every time I saw Roger Clemens pitch live, he got shelled.

Every time. Just shit the bed every time I saw him. And you go, I don't like him. Yeah. You can see that, that Roy thing coming though. Because he was fucking gigantic. And I swear to God, living in New York City, I think like six times a year they would do some sort of insider story

about his workout. And everybody was walking around going, dude, you see this guy's workout? It's like that's exactly what they want you to say. So anyways, let's get back to fucking meta world peace here. Dude, there's not one woman still listening to this podcast. We've talked sports nonstop for a half. I haven't done a fucking commercial yet, Paul.

Let me do a commercial. When we come back, a little meta world peace. You're listening to the fan. With the fucking password, I got a type in here. Paul, how'd you like riding around on my truck? Oh man, that was awesome. By the way, I mentioned that you're crashing out here. You like that tree in the tree?

How fucking badass is that? That's a badass truck. Dude, that truck looks like you have a rightful in it and you're just about to go do something really, really bad. That's what I like about it. It looks like I know how to fight. That's what somebody told me. Said, dude, that truck's like the kind of truck

you get into after you just beat up everybody in the bar. Now you said the funniest shit, you go, I go, that truck looks like a bad motherfucker is in it. You just go, you had to like it out. Dude, the difference of the looks that I get between driving my truck and driving the Prius is fucking hilarious. Oh yeah, dude, the fucking eight-year-old

staring me down when I get out of my place. No, the front grill of your truck looks like you just something like bad happened in your past. All right, wait a second here. Where the fuck is the, all the goddamn advertising? See, this is what happens, Paul. This is when it slows down. This is when it slows down.

Paul, what do you got to hype? Why don't we try and do something with you here? What do you got to hype, Paul? Where can people see you next? I got a couple of shows. Out in Jersey, I know that. Going out, going grocery shopping. Right?

No, I'm actually gonna be at the, I got a big show coming up. You got a big show. Where you gonna be? So I'm gonna be in the- You got a really big shoe. In the back of this deli in Jersey. It's a guy's giving me 10 minutes. No, what the fuck is all the game fly stuff?

I'm the worst. Oh, go ahead, Paul. How are the lovely people looking? No, no, no. Do what you got to do. No, I can't, Paul, because then the podcast stops. All right, I already got this shit memorized. Hey, everybody.

Do you like playing video games? Sure, we all do. Check this out, Paul. You're a big video game guy, right? No. You're not a big video game? No, no, I just- You're supposed to roll with it.

Oh, okay. Yeah, no. Holy shit. Do I love giving you? No, no, no. I got to start over. I got to start over. No, no, no.

Because my ad guy cuts these things up. No, no, no. I can't say any of that. Just shut up. I'm going to start over again. All right. Hey, who likes playing video games? Sure, we all do.

Paul Verzi, do you like playing video games? Love them. You love them. Absolutely. You know, if you had to choose between that and a loved one, you're going video games, right? All day. Absolutely.

All day. Absolutely. Dude, you called it. Yep. If you're into video games, gamefly.com is the place to be. If you go there as a friend of mine, gamefly.com slash Bill Burr, you click on the microphone in the corner,

you're going to get a 15 day free trial. Wow. 8,000 games, Paul. That's awesome. 8,000 games to choose from. Why do you need a girlfriend? Why do you need a wife? Why did he even need to be a parent at that point?

Just lock yourself in the room. You get 15 days. That means you can play those games, Paul, for two weeks in a day. I know you're from Jersey, so you don't understand that. But two weeks in a day, 15 straight days, you can play 8,000 games. And at the end, if you want to walk,

you walk just like De Niro in heat. Okay. 30 seconds or less. That's right. You can't do any better than that. All right, gamefly.com. I recommend it. You should recommend it.

And someday your mom will too. There we go. All right, back to the podcast. Met a world peace. Dude, you know what's funny about that guy? Like he had no intentions of elbowing that guy in the head. No, he was just so in the moment. But this is the thing.

He's like that. You know that kid that wasn't special needs, but almost was. And he had like that Olympic weight lifter kind of strength. That's fucking world peace. That's how he is. And in those kids, whenever they got angry or excited, somebody got hurt.

Somebody got hurt or something got ripped out of the wall. He's fucking nuts. There's no way you don't have to. That's what happened with him. He, he went in and he scored. He started thumping his chair. Somebody came near him and he just fucking threw an elbow. We're talking about a man who jumped in the stands

and grabbed a civilian by the neck and started teeing off on him. I'll give you this. He grabbed the wrong guy, but he was fucking right. In a perfect world, he's right. That's like build it, but, but you know, in a perfect world, where in this fucking world can you throw a drink in the face of a guy who's twice the size of you and not get the living shit kicked out of you?

I'll tell you where had a fucking NBA basketball game where there's no protection. They don't even have a helmet, the helmet, they don't even have a fucking hat on. This guy throws a drink in his face. That guy, did you see the guy through it? How many, how many, how many N word jokes do you think that guy told and laughed about in his life?

And they were in Indiana. Give me a break. He probably had his fucking clan hood underneath the seat. Fuck him. He should have got the shit kicked out of him. And I feel bad for the web designer that actually got grabbed by the throat. That kid had never been in a fight in his life.

He didn't even know enough to run. He didn't even know enough to run. The look of fear. He didn't even know what happened. He just had horrified fear in his eyes and then Ron Artes just, his feet were moving, but he wasn't going anywhere. And then he was trying to explain,

trying to explain the situation. Look at it like this. If you're not, if you're at a comedy club and you're on stage and somebody throws something at you, you're not going to do. As a matter of fact, somebody threw something at you. Right? I know somebody.

I know somebody else. I think somebody said they were flicking stuff. I saw this woman, she goes really, and she kind of just called the crowd an animal. But as a professional, you can't fucking. Paul, I'm going to tell you right now, if you were doing a bit and for some reason, or let me get, no, because this was a different,

because it was a bullshit call. And that's why he laid down on the table. So let's just say you're playing some fucking hell gig. All right. The crowd sucks. The microphone's not working. So you're like, you got to give me a fucking. I can't even, I can't even get the show going.

I can't even speak into this microphone. This is my lightsaber. It's not even working. And then you just make a joke and you lay down until you get the, until you get the proper microphone. And while you're laying there, some drunk douche takes a full drink and throws it in your face. You're telling me you're not going into the crowd.

It'll be tough. It would be tough. You know, I, I, yeah, it would be really, I mean, that, that's gotta be. Look, dude, that, that's what I hated about that whole thing with like, well, not excusing the fan behavior, but as a professional basketball player, you have to blah, blah, blah.

No, you don't. You don't. You have a fucking, you have a responsibility for your own safety in the world. Okay. And part of that responsibility is that you don't walk around throwing drinks and faces of people that you cannot beat the shit out of.

Right. Right. So you do that and then somebody else gets their fucking ass kicked because of it. I mean, I was a coward. He was a fucking coward. So when he ran in the stands, though, that was like unbelievable.

He's a coward. He should play. Uh, she played for the penguins. Oh, I just like fucking with the penguins. I was so happy that they look. I mean, I had this weird thing where I like most of the people on the team, but then they always, they always just have a couple of those,

those fucking guys going for the knees. I still like them. No, I can't. Then they, then they always get like upset, like penguin fans. When penguin fans talk about other teams being dirty, you know what that's like? That's like that chick with the big tits who goes to a party

and has her tits hanging out and then says like, you know, what are you looking at? Right. That's what penguin fans are to me. I think, I think they're all dirty. They're like that Greg Williams thing. You heard that, right? The Greg Williams.

You heard the Greg Williams on the Saints, like the, the, the, what he was saying to them. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And when he was like, kill the head, kill Frank Gore's head. I want that. That's where across the line. Dude, when he said I wanted his head fucking sideways. Yeah, but that, that's, that's where across the line.

And what, what I hated about how all the players were going like, I mean, that just sounded like standard locker room talk until they named guys. It's like, yes. No, no, no, he said, obviously. No, he said rip his AC up. No, but I'm telling you, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, no, but the point I'm making,

the point I'm making was every player kept saying, I've heard that stuff in locker rooms my entire life, but the part where he made it like, where he went over the line, right? Personally named guys. That's where I went too far and it was driving me nuts. It's like, yeah, dude, that's what we're freaking out about. I, dude, you, when I was in Little League,

the fucking coach is sitting there going like, we've got to kick their fucking asses. You know, they're a bunch of fucks, but they, it's always saying that. But when you literally go like the shortstop, I don't like his face. I want his fucking nose bump. Yeah, right.

Yeah. I already got an ACL problem. Why don't you go out there and deliberately blow out his ACL? When you start literally naming it, that's where it crossed the fucking line. We got to see, we got to see. But this is my thing. It seems straight across the board

that none of the players had a problem with it. So now I don't feel bad that they have the concussion problems that they have at the end, because if you actually, if you participate in that, then you know, but then that's kind of like the chicken or the egg. It's like, if you don't do that, then you're not on the team.

But I actually agreed with everything that the penalties that they got. And I think that this happens all over. This happens all over. You know, I don't think guys like Tony Dunge do it. I don't think certain guys do it. But I think, I think, you know, they'll say go fucking get like you said.

No, I think it's, but once, this is my, my deal, like go out, kill him, rip his head off, have his head going the other way. But when you specifically name a player and you say what their injury is, and all the players is like, we already know what their injuries are. So we're definitely going to try to exploit that.

Dude, you know what all of that is, Paul? That is, it all has to do with millions of dollars being at stake, which brings in the horse. And there's a level pussy and it's all there. And then it's like, dude, you're, you're getting to the top of the mountain and it just becomes by hook or by crook. And they're just going to do that type of shit.

It's just really shit that as fans, you didn't want to see. You don't want to hear, but do you? And now they're making an example out of that guy because everybody's livelihood, including ESPN's is on the line that if there's too much of that negative shit, people aren't going to watch it because that's,

that's the only guy in sports I don't like is I don't like the guy who deliberately goes out who can't beat the other team. So he deliberately goes out and tries to injure a fucking player because I feel like that requires no skill whatsoever on any given play. You know, people are watching the guy with the ball.

I know, keep your head on the swivel as what's his face? Remember that time you said that 80 fucking times, Warren Sapp, keep your head on a swivel. I understand. You're supposed, you're supposed to be looking around. Isn't it amazing how fucking out of shape he was yet still was that fast? How fast would have that guy been if he dropped 40 pounds?

Dude, he had that line on the side, you know, and you got that love handle that just like puts a divot. His whole fucking career, it looks fucking eight months pregnant, his whole career and he fucking could run. And was fast as hell. And was faster than anyone. All right, here's a good one.

Worst sports bodies yet for some reason. Phil Mickelson, just close to mine first. Okay, I'll get one. Paul Pierce. Paul Pierce's arms are unacceptable. Unacceptable. You're okay, you're an athlete and you're a black guy. You should be fucking chiseled.

You should be ripped. I think actually. He doesn't even have white guy arms. He has like middle-aged accountant. How does he do? He's got 60-year-old arms. I think Peyton Manning's body is weird. He's still got that little pot belly, the way he walks.

Yeah, he has got a pot belly. You ever see Peyton Manning without his pants? He's got that gut. Yeah, he's got sitting on a tractor body. Phil Mickelson, definitely. Phil Mickelson, he's been better though lately. He was all, dude, golfers, I told you, golf is not a fucking sport.

It's a skill. It's a skill, dude. The amount of guys I know that suck at real sports like this, somebody trying to prevent you from scoring and you have to be able to throw and catch or whatever, skate, stick handle. They absolutely suck. But then you put them on a golf course

and they can hit it straight because it's like this mechanics. It's just a mechanical thing. Yeah, yeah. And it's all like, dude, it's you against yourself. It's not, dude. It's like pool. But pool, you're also playing some, I don't know.

Bowling. But golf, bowling. Golf, you're also playing something. They have bowling, bowling, pool, golf. They're tier two sports, I would say. Although pool is cool as hell. What do you think about NASCAR? You never see a fat fuck driving a car around 200 miles an hour?

Once again, once again, though. Yeah, well, you got to be in shape for that unless you can drive like a van. Yeah, but there's not one fat NASCAR driver really. Yeah, but that just means they're in shape. You know what I mean? Look at everybody in China. Everybody in China is fucking in ridiculously good shape

compared to this country. That doesn't mean they can all catch a ball. Right. You're just saying somebody's in shape. You know, they're eating well. But no, but I once again, I have a friend of mine. Same thing. Can't catch can't throw throws like a fucking girl.

Anything with wheels, forget about it. The guy becomes he's one with it. Yeah, drives like a maniac. He had a BMW five series and he took me out on the highway, dude. And I swear to God, I almost fucking threw up. It was like I was in an F 16. I had my foot up on the dashboard going, dude, dude, I got it. I got it.

And he's just sitting there laughing at me. And then you get him out on the court or you throw a ball at him. I swear to God. It's like a toddler. Those guys that go fast like that, man, that's so funny that you were going, dude, dude, one time I was in college and we were driving and me and my friend was raining and my friends trying to show off and me and my other friend didn't want to look like, you know, we don't look like pussies.

Right. But we got genuinely scared and like, I don't know. And the dude was just going and the rain's coming down. All me and my friend were doing with that. We go, dude, dude, it's not worth it. Like we were just trying to slow down. So yeah, trying to come. Yeah, trying to become like, no, dude, listen, I think there's a cop.

There's a cop up there. But those guys that get that, those are like those motorcycle guys that need that speed. They fucking that that's scary. Shit. Yeah, that's that's one of those. Yeah, you're going so fast. You're going to be like, I'm going to dance, Bill.

You're going to wake up ejected from the car. If you're lucky, if you're lucky, you're going to fucking wake up. It's brutal. Fucking garbage. It's a joke. Verzi's got me addicted to Florentine's podcast. And now Verzi does like he does a pretty good Florentine. The Florentine is the funniest motherfucker ever.

I'm listening to Florentine complain about anything. Oh my God. That robot, that robot. You're fucking kidding me. Fucking garbage. Fucking joke. Fucking Fox News robot. Fucking.

You got that right. Robot. The way he goes like up already like drags the word out. It's fucking half time. It's fucking. That's really good, man. Oh, he's fucking funny, man. Listen to that guy complain.

Really? Really? Like we never seen a beautiful woman before. Fucking god, but like commercials. Fucking ridiculous. Um, all right. What do we got here? This is, uh, okay.

Sunglasses. There's some really, uh, some weird ones this week. People like this guy says, uh, hey, Bill, I need, I need, uh, my listeners sending like questions and shit. And I read it just to let you know. Billiam, I need to ask you a very important question. My wife makes fun of my choice of sunglasses. She thinks they're not hip enough.

Um, I told her I was wearing brown tinted sunburst aviators since college before the whole aviator hype. Is there aviator hype? I don't even remember. Top Gun came out. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Back then, those people who in 1980s.

Yeah. Who wanted to be like Tom Cruise. You know, my neighbor, when I was growing up, any movie that Tom Cruise was in, he got into that, like whatever it was, like, uh, Top Gun. He joined like the fucking, uh, no, no. He joined like the, the, the, the Air Force reserves. No.

He alligator armed it. He joined that. And then, um, days of thunder, he started racing cars. No cocktail. He became like a bartender. His rich dad got him out of the fucking, uh, reserves. Yeah. He started getting into that.

And what else did he do? There was like three things. So it kind of became this running joke, like whatever fucking Tom Cruise movie was coming out. And then eventually he moved out to LA finally just, well, why don't I just be a fucking actor? You know, son off to actually join the fucking Air Force. That's, uh, don't know whatever happened to him.

So anyway, aviator glasses, which were, yeah, the Tom Cruise fan slash date rapist. Remember that fucking kid I was talking about him? Do you remember that kid who he had the rough sex with the girl in the central park and she died? No. You're too young for that. Yeah.

This guy, yeah, this fucking psycho. No, he killed her. He tried to, he tried to, he tried to say that they, that she wanted rough sex. It was consensual and I don't know what it, it, it, he accidentally killed her or whatever. That puts a whole other meaning to it. We're killing it.

Yeah. Jesus Christ, Paul. How you doing with the ladies? Oh, I'm killing it. Crushed it. Fucking crushed it. Um, so anyways, dude, that's fucking brutal. So anyway, but this guy, you know what,

it actually made me mad when he got out of prison, not only that, that, that he got out of, on two levels of maybe mad. First of all, the guy got out of prison, but, uh, the idiots on the news going off on the guy, were saying, because when he got out, he wasn't on parole because he did all his time because he didn't get time off for good behavior

because they were just like, you know, he had fights in prison. He was selling drugs and blah, blah, blah. It's like, yeah, all the, all that that says in there is he didn't get raped. He did what he had to do in there to survive. So on some level, you have to respect that because that's, that's the big fear as a guy.

Did he rape the girl or it was just rough sex? I don't know what he did. I don't know what happened. That's such a big difference though. Well, I don't know if he went like, run our tests, like it was going good and he was excited and then he fucking elbowed her. Why are we joking about this?

He just sunk and then he fucking started to pound in his chest. And then they didn't show the replay because it was a home game. No, he, he fucking, uh, I don't know. So how long did he do? They let him out of jail. Yeah.

He did like all 15 or 16 years because they couldn't get him on murder because he said it was like, I know, like on, on rape trials, like they, what they always do, like the hardest thing to get them on is when they say it was consensual. So then all DNA is out the fucking window. Then you have to like, it's, it's, it's,

it's still worse fucking thing. If somebody does that to a woman, they, they should be, honestly, they should, they should just, they should have like a flamethrower and they should just have it pointed at the defendant. And Jerry, would you like to rate the verdict? On the count of, uh, rape. We find him guilty in the first degree and just,

just light him on fire right in front of the family. Yeah. Right in front of, right in front of the family. That, that's how I would run it. The same, same thing with, uh, Chow molesters. Oh, that's the worst. Chow molesters, that's it.

Chow molested. I would actually have them get chased by rabid dogs first. And then dude, this Sandusky guy, and then get fucking, this Sandusky guy should get fucking drawn and courted in the courtroom. Just put his fucking body parts in a bag. He should be underneath an oil tanker. And then they should drive it to fucking,

uh, is that, do you drive a boat? Drive it to like fucking, uh. Man, that's walking this earth. That's what I would do with that guy. What I would do with that guy, well, I would go into shark infested waters and I would give him a bunch of paper cuts and I'd tie him to the front of a boat.

Oh my God. I never heard of like that. Well, that's, that's a good one, man. Well, Paul, you gotta understand, when, when you do something like that to somebody, you didn't just, you, you ended that kid's life. And then you affected generations of people because who they're going to marry,

how they're going to treat the person they marry, how they're going to treat their kids. And then the, the treatment of the kids, how they're going to act in society. Society, it just, it, it creates, it's like that, that little Confucius thing when you drop the pebble in the still pond and the ripples just go like that.

So you got a little poetic on you. It's like that. No. See, that's what I say. Time to the front of a boat, paper cuts, shark infested waters. And that's it. And you know what's funny? And this is the thing about it.

That's funny. That'd be awesome. And it still won't stop them. It's still won't stop it from happening, but you should just, you should start weeding them out. That's like, that's a sickness, man, from young, that's fucking crazy, man. Yeah.

That's just a, and it ruins the lives of everybody, but put the kid forever. Yeah, it's over. Why are you saying what I just said, Paul? Oh, did you say it? Yeah, you won't even listen to a typical comedian. You were thinking about what you were going to say. That's literally exactly what I just said.

No, I was thinking about the, I was thinking about him actually, like hitting the thing like a Bowie. Oh, that's right. You got, you got that, you got that weird fucking shit where you, every once in a while, you think about doing crazy stuff,

01:59:30,740 --> 01:59:31,300 Horrible things sometimes. Yeah. I was getting nervous about admitting this type of stuff. Like someday, if you're like on trial, like, you know, I'm going to get put in contempt of court because I'd still never rat you out. But it'd be like, we talking about, you guys talked about this on the podcast,

but it kid me it was a joke. What's, what's the last fucked up thought you had? Well, it's tough, man, because like when my son was born, I would think about, I loved him so much. So when I would hold him, all you think about was, what if I, what if I heard, I have the power to hurt him, but you love him so much and it freaked me out. And now my daughter's coming Monday, you know,

and, and I'm just kind of like, I just, all you want to do is block it out. And the more you try to block it out, bad things happen. But no, I've, you know, I'll sit down with somebody and talk. What do you mean the more you try to block it out, like bad things happen? The more, the more you think the fucked up us. The more you try to block it out and say, man,

I don't want to think about that because it's crazy and fucked up. What happens is it just magnifies him to multiply some thoughts in your head and it keeps going. So what are you like stoically walking with your kid towards your wife and just hand it off to her? No, no, no, I just keep telling myself that you would never do it, but it's fucked up.

Like it's painful, but I've been dealing with it for so long. So it's more like a fear. You have like a fear like, oh my God, what if I did this? It's not like obviously an urge. No, no, no, it's actually, it's a, it's a urge that you won't act on. It's, but you're not going to do it, you know, but it's a fear and an urge and it's fucked up.

Verzi has inexplicably one of the smartest kids I've ever seen. The kid is ridiculously smart. And when I hang out with you, Paul, I just think that you must have married one of the smartest women on the planet because that kid is a genius. I've been sitting with somebody and really thinking about if I just would take a vase

and fucking smash it over their face. And the funny thing is you just, sometimes you just have to like smile and laugh and you could never tell the person what you're thinking, but it's OCD is what it is. Do you know what I actually woke up thinking today? And I was just laughing my ass off. I was thinking about what if you just,

you videotaped a game called shut your goddamn mouth. And the thing was, you just, you and a friend walk around and you just randomly scream that it's strangers who are having a conversation. And the first guy that gets somebody mad enough to hit him, you can't hit him back. The first guy to get some mad enough to hit him wins whatever.

And I was just picturing all the different scenarios and just the amount of people who don't fight and the amount of people who have too much to lose. The amount of people who would be, would be like startled. And then you get like the whole like race thing going on. Where like as a white guy, you think if I ran up to a black guy and did that,

this automatically is going to beat the shit out of me. But like, there's something about when you do that to somebody black as a white person, they think like, well, he knows I'm going to kick the shit out of him. He's got to be crazy. And then I think people just think that in general, because I'm one time, long time ago, I was on a subway. I was on a subway.

I was on the downtown six. And this fucking white dude junkie gets on. I don't know what this guy was on, but he was in the beginnings of being a junkie because his clothes were still nice, but he was clearly fucked up. And he was dropping the N word, singing this song. He was hammered out of his whatever.

He's high out of his mind. And he gets on the subway and he was, he was singing this song going, going, I'm a crazy N word. Yes, I am. I'm a crazy N word. Doing the best I can. And then we go, he would punch the side of the train, right?

Inside the train. So all the white people immediately, we're looking at all the black people going like, Oh, here it comes. Here comes the beat down. How can I position myself so they know I'm not with him? That I don't condone that any of that shit. And he just kept fucking doing it.

And I saw on their faces the look of what the fuck did he just say? And then going like, Oh, that guy's crazy. And then, then the, then the social awkwardness of them knowing that we're thinking, Wait, I thought that was an automatic fucking beat down. That's when I, that's when I first learned about crazy was when I first moved into New York. So what was the game?

The game that you thought shut your, shut your. So it's called shut your goddamn mouth. And that's, you just, I, for some reason, I woke up this morning. I woke up this morning. And I just was fucking, just the first thing I thought of, and I just started laughing my ass off and Nia came out of the bathroom and she saw the bed shaking like I was under the covers,

just laughing, laying on my side. She probably thought I was jerking off or something. She was like, what are you doing? And I just started, I was like crying, laughing, going, I got a great idea for a game. It's called shut your goddamn mouth. And she just starts laughing. Good one.

I would love to watch that. Oh yeah, either that or hey, just people like talking. Just walking, as loud as you can. You're quiet. You know, I had whisper like a psycho. Back in the day, I had a game idea called reactions. And it was just real.

Everything was coming up, but you would just go to the counter at a supermarket and you would just say the fucking craziest thing with a dead straight face and just see how people react. You know, it's funny like that. Now we're actually pitching a TV show. I mean, that's sort of like jackass meets the beginning of what's, what's, what's that?

What's that movie with where they fought? Patrice says it was white people's Scarface. What's the one with the soap fight club? Oh, fight club. Fight club. Yeah, it's hilarious. Patrice said on opiate Anthony that that was white people's Scarface because he's watched it a zillion times

and cannot understand the connection. And I'm not one of those white people that connects to that movie. I watched, I saw it one time. I watched it. I liked it. I thought it was a little, I thought it was okay, but everybody that like loves it. You know what I didn't like doesn't meet loaf take his shirt off

at some point in the movie. And he looks like I could never see that again. Was that to balance out how shredded Brad Pitt was? You know what I mean? That movie was fucking weird. And I didn't understand when the guy died, when he put the gun in his mouth at the end and shot himself, it was supposed to kill the one personality,

but he put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Well, he was crazy, right? I don't even remember that part. I just remember when he beat up the one kid saying, I wanted to, I wanted to wreck something beautiful. Like that, that just made me, that was like that, that same thing going out for somebody's ACL for no fucking reason. I didn't, I didn't stand by that movie.

No, no, I didn't. Anyways, all right, cartoons. Dear Bill, this is, oh, we didn't ask the fucking guys question here. We were talking about aviaries. He said, what's the breakdown of douchey sunglasses versus acceptable ones? What kind of sunglasses do you wear? And does Nia have any say in the matter? I imagine you wear very non-threatening, low profile shades.

I can't tell if that's an insult or if he's, sounds like an insult, right? No, I don't think it's an insult. I think this guy genuinely wants to know what he could wear to make his girl stop trashing him. Well, this is what you have to do. First of all, depending on where you are in your relationship is, if you feel secure in your relationship, maybe she's just doing you a solid and telling you that you look like a douche. But if she's always telling you everything, what to do,

then you have to continue wearing those glasses and you have to wear them over to her mother's house. Defiance. Yes, and wear them into the house and don't take them off when her mom's talking to you. That's like a buddy, a buddy of mine, right? Dude, women though, women just, I just want me to say something real quick. Oh God, more women trashing, I hope you're going to be nice though. No, it's just like, it's just like, could you, like a guy's really thinking about that.

And this happens all the time. This guy's got a genuine concern here. But like, for like, I've heard of guys going, yeah, my girl just looked over at me and looked at that shirt and goes, ugh, it's such a turn off, take it off. And I want to be, it's in my mind. I'm just like, I want to be like, dude, shut the, are you out of your mind? Yeah, but those guys deserve it.

They fucking deserve it, Paul. If you, if you let the woman in your life talk to you like that. They fucking deserve it the same way a woman deserves it. If that guy is a fucking asshole, minus them beating the shit out of you. But I got to, yeah, minus them beating the shit out of you. But if they beat you up and that's just complete bullshit. But if they're walking around being a fucking asshole, disrespecting you, that's on you.

Okay. Break up with them. But what if the guy says they're shut, you're shut up. You know, I'm wearing the shirt, shut up. Yeah. Is he a dick? No. Right.

But then it's like, oh my God. That's a total turn off to discuss. We take that off. Just flip it around. What if you ever said that to your girl? Exactly. That's disgusting. It makes you look fat.

Come on. You'd never do that. Even if you said that disgust me, that would be it. Listen, here's my answer to you. They would pout through the fucking dessert that night at the meal. Well, here's my answer to your, to your, uh, your listeners question here. If you like them, dude, and you look in the mirror and you go, you know something I like to, I like the glare.

I like if it's orange tint or whatever you like it, fucking wear it. Paul, you know something? That's why you and your wife are so comfortable to hang around. Because how many times you guys tell each other to go fuck you. You say, go fuck yourself, right? You do that. Right? No, we'll just be like, oh, you know something?

Like, yeah, not in a, but right in a loving way. Like, uh, yeah, but you have to, you have to keep, you got to keep them off you. The same was she has to keep you off her. You know, she didn't keep you in check. You'd golf fucking nine times a week. Right. Right. No, no, no, absolutely.

There's a fine line and what's like, you know, yes, exactly. Dude, I had a buddy of mine, right? He fucking, we went fishing, right? We were done fishing. Well, you know, we drank a bunch of booze or whatever. And we were smoking cigars and his wife pulls up and, you know, they told their kid about the dangers of smoking, right? So the kid starts fucking crying and blah, and there's all this big fucking thing.

And the kid, the guy was literally in the doghouse. And I guess maybe because the kid was crying, I kind of saw her point, but he's one of those fucking guys. I wanted to say to him, like, dude, you know what really help your relationship? Next time you drop your kid off in the car, take out a big fat fucking Cuban and just light it up. Yeah. And again, what are you doing? I'm smoking a cigar because I enjoy it.

When I come home, I'm going to watch your game. And I'm smoking this fucking cigar. And when she says why, you say, because you can go fuck yourself. And that, and I'm telling you, it's a little blunt. You can, you can round off the edges. Yeah, you might not want to, yeah, you might not want to say you could go fuck yourself. But I'm just saying, that would help your relationship. It's like that movie.

Remember the movie there with Kevin Spacey when she comes home? What is that in the driveway? He's like, that is a 1969 Firebird. And he just, I went out and bought it because I wanted it. Go fuck yourself. And like, and you saw the look on her face. There was a shift for the better in that relationship. But doesn't he die in the end?

Doesn't he get killed? Oh, I don't know. Was that, was that a weird one? He wanted to fuck that 12 year old. Oh, yeah, yeah. Fuck that movie sitting there with rose petals falling all over him. So we're saying, you know what? You wear the, you wear the goddamn sunglasses you want to, sir.

That's right. Jesus, we're an hour and we got to blow through this here. Cartoons, dear Bill, this isn't so much a request for, for advice, but an offer of one. Everyone needs to watch more cartoons. The old school one for kids, Looney Tunes, et cetera. I used to be a nice guy. Then I started watching MTV and thinking I was too cool for cartoons. Recently I watched my son watch cartoons as I realized,

and I realized he's in a great mood because of it. When I changed the channel, he got mad, but here's the catch. So did I. When I changed the channel to news, sports, or even a show like Breaking Bad. Hey, I'm on that show. He said, I get mad. Something's, something gets my adrenaline going. Oh, you get like all amped up.

This guy, a lot of little, a lot of metal world peace going on here. I would say metal, like metal arc, meta. Is it me or can I watch a little yellow bird talk like a wise ass? Oh, is it me or can watching a little yellow bird talk like a wise ass help with blood pressure situations? Dude, if it works for you, absolutely. I went to the gun range the other day, right? Squeezed off a few fucking rounds.

Dude, I can't, it was so, such a stress reliever. Really? It's phenomenal. I don't, I, it's inexplicable. You think if you were doing something like that and the violence associated with it, that you would be like, well, I guess you hit a heavy bag. You feel better. Can we do that?

Can we do that? Yeah. You know what's weird is you have to go over there with somebody else out here because somebody went in there and say, can I have a gun? All right. Thanks a lot. And they fucking blew their brains out. No.

Are you serious? Yeah. But how would you stop me? I got a loaded gun. Get away from me. Then I just fucking put it to my head. I think they just don't want the responsibility. I don't even know if that's true.

Somebody just told me that. That's one of those classic things at a bar. Somebody told me. All right, Paul, you know what a Kegorator is? Yes. A Kegorator, right? Yes. He's a guy.

All right. First things first. Hey, did you hype any shows you have coming up? No, not yet. Yeah. What do you have coming up before I get through all this bullshit? Oh, okay. What are you going to be, Paul?

You could check me out. I'm going to be a Wise Guys Comedy Club in Syracuse, New York, May 10th through the 13th. And then I got a big one at the beautiful New Levity Live Comedy Club in Westniac, New York. I'm headlining. It's my night. It's a Thursday night. Tickets are already selling. It's in my neck of the woods.

So please come out and... And is that the one with the sign incorporated di Stefano? No, no, no. That's going to be the new one coming out in New York. Did I just ruin the surprise? No, no, no, no. The new one. That's the new one that I'll definitely announce that one.

But Levity Live is the new one that Mozzilli, the owner, has got. Paul Verzi has my stamp of approval. All right. Thank you. And also sorry. I'm Bill Burr and I support this comedian. And Twitter at Paul Verzi. Jesus Christ.

02:12:18,340 --> 02:12:18,820 Okay. Good Lord. Social security number. I know. You fucking horn yourself out here. All right. Kegorator.

First thing first. I'm over 21 years of age, so no worries about giving advice to a minor. Recently, my wife approached me and asked why we don't have a Kegorator. He's got a good one here. He goes, needless to say, within minutes of that statement, we now are the proud owners of a new Kegorator. And seeing as how I've been married for eight years,

and this is the first time she's ever given approval for a purchase prior to me buying it, I'm pretty excited about this. How do guys get themselves in that situation? Unless she's making all the money, and you got to go to her for cash, right? Yeah. I mean, she seems cool unless she's got a drinking problem,

but that's awesome. I know. You know, I didn't even think of that. Anyways, however, I really need some advice as to what kind of beer I should keep at stock with. Choosing the right beer is key to the process. I'm afraid if I buy something like Amstel Light, all my friends will know my wife wears the pants in the family.

That's hilarious because he gets less calories here. If I buy a stronger, thicker, more manly beer like Newcastle or Guinness, I may also have to buy a wheelbarrow to wheel my friends out of the basement on weekends. And I really don't need that level of responsibility. I can't do anything like Miller Light or Coors Light because I might as well hook the tap up to the faucet.

That's true. That's very true. I said that a long time ago that Coors Light, that's like vitamin water for alcoholics. Like all my friends. Yeah, yeah. Just, you know, I'm on the wagon. I'm on the wagon.

You're like, dude, you're fucking drinking. Yeah, that's Coors Light. I narrowed it down to Doseckis or LeBat Blue. The only thing with LeBat Blue would be if any French Canadians find out I'm fucked because, you know, those bastards would be knocking on my door seven days a week. What do you think, Paul? If you had to get a Kegorator.

If you had to get a Kegorator. It sounds like this guy doesn't want to go domestic, but he also doesn't want to go really fattening. Sam? Killings? Sam Ann? Yeah, Sam Killings. Maybe a nice pailail.

I would go, I would go, I would just go classic. It's a keg. It's a fucking keg. I would go Budweiser. Isn't that such a weird thing for your wife to just purchase, like to be like, yeah, you know what, I got that. Like that's, that's pretty fucking cool. That's beyond cool.

That's weird almost. Like if Stacy came home, I would just be like, yeah, I got this big wine rack. I'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah, she starts doing like little Kegorators headstands. You know, like, you know, like, you know, they have girl pushups. She does like the girl version. What fucking keg stand?

What beer would you put in there? I get, I get Budweiser because that's like a classic. Like, like, who's going to come home? Dude, what are you going to come home like norm on chairs? And you're just going to start pouring yourself a big mug of beer. You're going to be a tub of shit. So I figured the only time you're really going to be pouring like that is if you have guys over for the game.

Budweiser is a nice middle of the road that everybody's going to like. You drink bud at the game. Yeah. It's not, it's not one of the light beers. Don't you feel like shit now? Like now that I'm like, you know, 33 years old and stuff. So my metabolism is obviously slowing down, but I got to be honest with you, man.

When I drink three beers, I feel like a fucking fat bloated. I could feel my tits getting bigger. Yeah, you're about ready to enter your whiskey and Scotch ears. Yeah, I think so. I think so because beer just gives me that blood. And then you get tired whiskey. If I drink a whiskey on the rocks now, which is kind of dangerous with whiskey. Yeah.

Yeah. Scotch, that's like a vaporizer for alcoholics. Like, you know, vaporizer, you have like vaporizer. If you're going to smoke weed is the way to do it. I would think because it filters out everything except the shit that gets you high. You take a hit off it, there's no burning sensation. It's almost like a mist. And I swear to God, if you get high with a vaporizer versus drinking three or four beers,

like just the fatty tissue you're going to build on your liver, like I would think that a vaporizer is. I mean, obviously no research here because I'm an idiot, but I just by looking at it, that's arguably the healthiest way to get fucked up. You know what I mean? What's the most healthy to drink? What's more healthy? I have no idea.

For fat. Well, I would say for not being fat. Look, if you get like, you just drink hard stuff and you drink it on the rocks, well, you just drink it neat. And what people get fucked up is, you know, they drink like jack and coax. You're drinking sodas all night. So I don't know all those fucking like alcoholic words like neat. I would just give it to me regular.

Yeah. Neat is no, no ice. That's just straight. Okay. And then rocks is obviously with some ice, but you don't want to mix it with anything like, you know, I guess, you know, twist the lime. The older you get, you just, you just want to go right to the fucking,

you get right to the point. It's like how old people fight. If they're going to fight, they're not going to sit there and try and, you know, who used to do that bit, like Richard Pryor or somebody, they're not going to look cool. The thing is immediately try to blow out your knee and just end the shit. They'll kick you in the balls. They don't give a fuck.

That's the way old people drink. Like I've heard so many times I was a bartender said, when somebody comes in, if they order a beer, I think, okay, this guy could be a problem. But if somebody just comes in and they order like a whiskey or whatever, and, and then it's just sitting there, you know, and they know how they want to think like this guy's a pro. He can handle himself.

This guy's a rookie. Yeah. He's going to get ugly. Oh yeah. It's coming in. Let me get a, you know, give me, get a shot of Zambuca couple. Yeah. You guys want to do shots?

You want to round up the shots? Those guys, yeah, that's going to be. It's like a car bomb. As soon as you start. Dude, there's a car bomb, the dumbest thing, the Irish car bomb. It's cool because you drop amaretto into a beer. What is it? It's, it's, it's a, isn't it?

It's a Guinness and it's a shot up. No, not a Guinness. It's a, maybe there's a bunch of alcohol. I'm not going to lie to the end of this podcast. Get me thirsty. Oh yeah, dude. I'm ready to drink. Yeah.

Me too. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, we're boozing after this. Yeah. So sir, I would go with, but okay. So he says Doseki's a LeBat blue. You know what I would do?

I wouldn't do Doseki's just because the most interesting man in the world. It's a little overhyped. I go LeBat blue. I think that's cool. I have, I can't remember what LeBat blue tastes like. It's Canadian, right? Yeah. But does it have the extra alcohol?

No, when it, once it comes in, once it comes into the country, it doesn't. It's the most triple X has the extra alcohol. Is Doseki's good? I heard Doseki's kind of. Dude, that's another reason to fucking get into hockey. When you go up to Canada, when you drink their beer, it's, it has twice the alcohol content. You know what the funny thing about Canadians are?

Other than the fact they say they're peaceful and neutral. They're peaceful and neutral with everything, but their sport is fucking barbaric and they drink like fucking maniac. They do. And they're not peaceful either. They're not. That's just Michael Moore's version of what they are because it worked for his documentary.

Dude, they lost a hockey game and they burned down their city. Talk about an unacceptable face. Exactly. Michael Moore is on the head of that. I got, I got, I got fucking two words for Canada grow up. All right. Here's another two. Act your fucking age.

I'll be in Edmonton at the, uh, no, I'm kidding. All right. Here's, here's another one. One of the last ones here. Do Jesus. Bill, I'm a 23 year old guy from the Netherlands. I'm a long time listener and always look forward to listening to your podcast. Uh, I always have a blast listening to your podcast.

He said listening three times, but I'm not giving him shit because this is a second language. So this is very impressive to me. But every time you talk about religion, I start cringing. I don't mind a Jesus joke or two, but this time it felt really personal and angry. Well, I'm an angry guy, dude. I could talk about ice cream and you'd be like, Jesus, somebody get him another one. Um, I might be exaggerating since she, uh, you had a hangover last week.

That week. Oh anyways, last week you gave an illustration about why beings from another dimension, dimension would be interested in us, which made me think, uh, which made me think, well, I'll play along with your illustration and explain why a powerful intelligent being from another dimension would be interested in us and in you. He's trying to explain to me why he thinks God exists. Uh, yeah. First of all, do you, are you a believer?

I believe I put that microphone down and get the fuck out of here. I believe in something. I'm not friends with you anymore. I thought you were intelligent. No, I'm kidding. I, I respect the fact that you believe in something to fuck yourself. Uh, well, first of all, this, this being, this being God made our universe, made our universe, also our dimensions, either you believe that or not.

Uh, so it would make total sense for him to be interested in us. You see what he just did there? He said, well, first of all, God made everything, either you believe it or not. All right. And then he goes, so that makes total sense for him to be interested in us. Like he just proved that he exists. There's a grand canyon in between what the fuck you started saying. And then the logic you just came to anyways, he says, the Bible speaks that God made the

earth in a living space in seven days. The planet itself already existed or excited. I can't read what he wrote here. God simply made it into, oh, it already existed. God simply made it into a living place for us humans. When translated to Hebrew, seven days doesn't literally mean a of 24 hours, but periods that could have lasted thousands of years. Oh, so now it totally makes sense that this invisible being that nobody's seen could have

made this. Why don't you say thousands of years? You know, you know what's crazy about this too? It's like, um, what's comedian Willie Barcena was telling me that he went to perform for the troops and he said they had a tent of Bibles, right? For all the different, and he said it totally put into perspective what, you know, religion because he went into the tent and he said, you couldn't even count the amount of Bibles, the amount of different Bibles for different soldiers for different beliefs is

so much. And my older brother made a good point. My older brother goes, what's wrong with people just saying you don't know? Yeah. Why can't you just say that? Why can't you just say, listen, I believe in something and I'll tell you, it's the fear of dying. I believe in higher powers. It's the fear of dying.

It's a fear and dying. And then they also have to just the fear of dying, but they also have to, then it's also control. They have to keep you. They have to, in a way, it's good because if it wasn't this fear of eternal damnation, you know, just, you know, rape pillage and all kinds of shit could be going down. Like you have to keep human beings like under control. So we don't, so we don't act like a bunch of fucking savages because we wouldn't act like a bunch of savages.

Paul, you are three days without food and water away from fucking eating my foot right now. I'm telling you, okay. The only reason why we're civilized, you know, it's like, it's like when you're you're the fan of a team that wins a bunch of championships and you, of course, you're going to go to the state and be classy. Your team's winning. All right. But all of a sudden your team starts losing.

That's when you decide whether you got class or not, you know, they start littering the field with shit. So what do you believe in? Bill, do you believe in God? Well, let me finish what's, what's going on here. I believe in, I don't know what the fuck happens and everybody finds out what happens when you die. So don't fucking be telling me definitively what's going, what happens when you die. If you do that, you automatically lose points with me because you don't, because it's,

it's written down by guys and become enough already and stop getting mad at people because their version of it isn't like that. People make the mistake that I'm mad at people because they believe this stuff. I don't, what I don't like is that they fucking the, all the murder and all the shit that comes out of it. And there's this whole like, uh, like everybody, like a Jewish people with the whole, with the chosen ones, right? It's like, why, why would you have that fucking written in?

Don't they have that in there? I don't even know. Like every, every fucking group or like Baptist, you know, you're going to go to hell because you don't fucking spend 20 hours in church. I'm getting in trouble by every fucking group here. Catholics think they're the chosen one. Every fucking group says, you know, God loves everybody. He created all of us, but he loves us the best.

It's like you're trying to be the favorite son. It's fucking childish. And it's that thought right there. It's arrogant too. Yeah. It's that, yeah, that he gives a fuck. Yeah. Look, if there's a higher power, why would he make sociopaths just to keep it interesting?

You know, just to do it. That's, that's like the wildcat offense when you just throw the fucking, uh, throw that sociopath in there. So anyways, he goes, yes, Bill, it's true that you didn't ask Jesus to die for your sin, but just like God, he was interested in the human race and wanted to save them from death and sin. And yes, that includes you. Also, I understand you have a beef with religion since those responsible.

Seemed to guide people with God's words and become greedy and perverted pigs. And in no way should they carry God's name. Make fun of them all you want, but please leave Jesus himself out of this. All he wanted to do was help the human race. I actually think he's right about that. What did Jesus do? I was just some hippie walking around. Hey man, like, you know, can't we all get along?

He's right. So I'll just attack religions from here on out. Yeah, I don't really know much about the Bible. Did I read the sports page? I can't get through it. He said it under you. I can't even read it. You know what's a good one?

No, Solomon. Just those quotes. The guy was like John Wooden of then. He just, he just says, you know, wisdom, this, this is good shit. I've refused. There's nobody mad at me. Okay. Other than me.

Okay. I'm mad at myself. Nia gets mad at me, but God doesn't care. Somebody told me is my son baptized and I said, no, we're going to do a double when my daughter's born. And they go, you got to get your son baptized because, you know, you want him to go to like, and it just kind of, they assume that like my beautiful intelligence and God would throw him into a pit of fire.

It's like, I just, that is the most fucking and look and I look and who came up with that who came up with the fucking church goes. If you don't get this kid fucking zombified in with what we're doing, then they're going to take this beautiful boy and throw him into a burning pit of hell forever. I just looked at my son going and I want to get some Swedish fish. And I'm just like, and this kid, this fucking beautiful boy, is it because he didn't get baptized? It's like, it's such and then they want money, dude.

And then these priests live in these houses. Listen, I don't want to sit here and trash. Listen, and I'll say this now, I believe in something. I believe in a higher power and I believe in a God and I believe it. You know, I believe that there's something that you cannot say that this is what it is. And you're wrong and crazy. I find arrogant. I find ridiculous and to even insinuate the fact that my son may not go to heaven because

we didn't do anything yet. So because of me and my wife being lazy or that's ridiculous. I don't need to go and do a house of worship. They hijacked what's in me. That's what I don't like because if I do something good, I feel good. If I do something bad, I feel bad and it's that feeling of doing the right thing. That's your connection to some sort of higher thing and they hijack it and they flip it all around and they make this guy mad at me and then his kid did something for me and got tortured

for fucking days and days and days from and they just dump all this guilt on me. It's like, oh, fuck you. So what are you? You're fucking idiot. You sound like a guy who's trying to sell me some piece of shit car right now. You, I honestly, this is just my opinion that I feel that like you, you are fucking you have you're weak if you buy into that. That is the pimp game.

That's the same thing you get. You get me in this insecure. I'm not worthy. Let me bow down. Let's make the ceilings as high as fucking hell and have these giant fucking doors that a goddamn parade of elephants could go through three, three high to just make me feel all small and insignificant. And then you, you're going to stand up there as a fellow human being and sit there and talk

down to me and your little fancy fucking Elvis robe. Come on. Yeah. How old am I? And you know what, if I'm not saying I'm a good person and I'm not saying that if there's a bad place that you go to, I'm not even saying that I'm not going there. But I can tell you right now, all of my friends are going to and I want to hang out with them. So I don't give a fuck.

Actually, all my buddies dying recently, like made me less afraid of dying because I know I'm going where they're going. So yeah, I don't want to not want them. I'm not going to see them forever because they went to one less titty. I went to one less titty bar than they did. Right. Then I'm going to hang out with fucking Jesus going, you know, I did all that stuff for you. Why the fuck would I want to be there?

Hey, buddy, go fuck yourself. Jesus, huh? All right. I'm just fucking around, sir, from the Netherlands. All right. You can love Jesus all you want. I don't have a problem with them because just like you, I never met him. And don't send me one next week.

Well, maybe that's what you need to do. You need to meet him. You need to bring him into your life. No, dude, it's cultish. It's cultish. It is cultish, dude. What a fucking way to end this. Let's let's end it on something positive.

Paul, do you go to amazon.com? I have. Jesus, Paul, you're the worst hype guy ever. Yeah, absolutely. I do. Yeah, of course. I said I have. Let's start over again.

Okay. Okay. Take two. Paul Verzi. Paul Verzi acts like he's interested in this advertising. Take two. Hey, Paul, do you ever go to amazon.com? Always. It's great, right?

It's unbelievable. Best website on the internet, right? Only place I shop. All right. Well, here's something. Next time you go to amazon.com, if you like to donate to my podcast, just make a little detour. Go to billbird.com.

You click on the podcast on the right hand side of the play page. I got a little window. Is that what you call it? A little link. You click on it. Banner amazon.com. You go there. You don't have to do anything else after that.

And if you buy anything, not saying you have to. If you buy anything, I get a kickback from whatever you buy. Donates to the podcast. And then 10% of that I give to the wounded warriors. So you support me and you support the troops all at once. And what do you do? You bought yourself a flowbie at the same time. Awesome.

You can't beat it. Can't beat it. You can't beat it. Paul Verzi supports this message. All right. You know what? That's the podcast for this week. I'm going to be at the University of Concord in Concord, New Hampshire.

There's limited tickets left. It is open to the public. Bring your ass down there. I'm building my new hour. I don't believe I did my old hour in New Hampshire. No, I didn't. I didn't. So it's going to be all new stuff.

So get your ass out there and go see some live performances. And Paul Verzi, once again, where are you going to be in May? I will be at Wise Guys Comedy Club in Syracuse, May 10 through 13. And the big one, Levity Live, May 17th in Westniac, New York. There you go. There you go, guys. Go out and see some live comedy. That's it.

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