Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-24-21

Episode Date: April 24, 2021

Bill rambles about Buffalo, selling tickets and the Pope Of Greenwich Village

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast head. I'm just checking in on you.

Just checking in on you. See you in a week's going. Sorry a couple days late. Yeah, sorry about that. If done fucked up, I know it's supposed to be here Thursday. Didn't get here till Saturday. But hey, I still made it in the same week, didn't it? Yes, I had an active gig this week and we were shooting a whole bunch of shit and shooting it in a short amount of time. One of those deals and it was, I had a great time. I think it was the first time I ever wasn't like counting down. I usually when I get to a set, you know, because it's fucking anxiety. This is not what I do. I'm a comedian, right? So I usually have this fucking anxiety and I look at the trailers and I immediately get this sense of sadness like, oh, fuck, here we go.

Oh, no, this is going to be fucking 90 million goddamn takes 90 million fucking hours and all this shit. And it was the exact opposite. We just were moving at a rapid, rapid pace, which I don't know if it's a comedian thing. Or just how I'm used to working. So I had such a great time at so many great people and it was fun to get back out there and do it. You know, I went to LAX for the first time in, I don't know, a long, long time. I don't think I'd been there since maybe February of last year. I don't even know. I can't say I missed it. You know, sometimes you break up with somebody and then you run into them years later and you're like, you know what I think is you went out bad with the fucking or you have that or it's just like, I can't believe I was ever that connected to that person. I don't feel anything anymore. And then there's the one that you you run into and you're like, oh yeah.

Made the right decision on that one. And that would be LAX. I guess they're building a train to get to LAX. It only took them fucking, I don't know, 60 years to figure that one out. They're doing it because the Olympics are here. And they want to make sure that, you know, you always put on your best face. You know, whenever you have a world event, you know, which I don't even know if that's possible anymore. A world event because there's just so many different platforms and places to watch it to try to get the eyes of everybody watching something is, it's very few things, very few things like maybe a presidential election when everybody's really into it. Like this last one, everyone was in the one before that, you know, say what you want about old Donnie Boy there. The guy sells tickets.

That lady when he won the first time screaming. Yeah, people definitely have a reaction. So anyway, that guy should have been a manager of wrestlers, man. He would have fucking emotion that he brought up either way. It would have been fucking a great addition to Saturday fucking wrestling Saturday morning wrestling wrestling that I used to watch. But anyway, yeah, did not miss LAX. So they're finally making a a train to go there because yeah, when you have like a world event, you got to make sure everybody. Oh, this is what our country's like. The city's clean.

It moves smoothly smoothly and everybody's in a good mood. Like I remember watching that thing the when we were kings about Muhammad Ali fighting George Foreman, the thriller and Manila, whatever the hell it was. And the guy running the country there because everyone was going to be there watching it rounded up every bad person he could find and took care of them. All the criminals, all the fucking pickpockets and everything. I don't know what he did to him. One of those deals. He sort of suggested that he killed a lot of them. But kind of makes you wonder like, well, why wouldn't you do that to begin with?

If it was that fucking easy. Because you know what it is because then you got to start killing people in the government. Oh, Jesus Christ. So, um, yeah, I don't even know what's going on in the world. I got some texts about the Bruins Sabers game. I guess they had a wild one of the fucking Sabers beat us. So now I know if I go on my Twitter feeds, people will say, see, we got the best in that trade. You know, never see.

Of course you got a good player. We got a great player too. So you got a good player in Bork who I really liked and I thought was he was really developing this year. But I get it. Um, we got to make a move now and the Bruins have been playing great. I think this is the first time we've lost and I don't think the Sabers are going to be a... Yeah, I'm going to say it. I don't think you guys are going to be a fucking problem come playoff time.

So you enjoy your regular season. Fucking victory. You enjoy. You got... This is how bad the fucking Sabers has been. I brought up the fucking Sabers. I was giving them shit and one of the Sabers fans brought up Josh Allen. You know, that's when it's bad when you have to jump sports.

I thought we were talking hockey here. But we're doing better in football. Are you? Okay, you made the playoffs. You won a fucking playoff game. We won the fucking division like two decades in a row and won six Super Bowl titles. All right there, you fucking cunt. I'm fucking rooting for you, Buffalo.

So you watch your tongue on my Twitter feed. Okay? You know what's going to be funny with global warming? What that's going to do to Buffalo? Well, all of a sudden it just becomes this gorgeous, you know, 70 degrees all year round lakefront property that they had and everybody will be flocking. Is Buffalo the new fucking Malibu? That's what's going to happen.

That's how we're going to handle global warming. Rather than actually doing something about it in the final minutes, we're just all going to be tired. You just got to, you know, LA's on fire. There's earthquakes. Miami's underwater. People, it's all about Buffalo, New York. Then all you fucking people in Buffalo who've toughed out all those goddamn winners. You're going to have some sort of fucking nickname for the new people that came moving in.

Then you're going to be sitting there like, I can't even go the anchor bar anymore. There's so many goddamn fucking LA transplants. Is that a Buffalo accent? Don't give a fuck. Was it Duffy's and anchor bar? I don't think I went to anchor bar like the couple times in their history they ever ran out of wings. Me and Verzi, we went to Duffy's or whatever the hell it was. We went to the one that wasn't downtown.

We went to the other one. They had wings and then we went to the one downtown to try and compare and they were all out. They were like, we're sorry. One of the first times in our history, we are out of wings. And I said, all right, whatever, what are you going to do? We just fucking had some and then we went to some Sabres game. And I remember I went in there and I saw Jeff Dunham was playing where the Sabres played. And I said, God damn it, that man is successful.

But I never got any fucking wings from anchor bar. So I guess that's still on, you know, when I relocate when I'll phony me. Oh my God, you guys will hate me times too when I move out there because of global warming, right? You'll hate me because I'm a Hollywood phony and on Patriots fan, right? Whatever. And then the last, I will not say, wide right the entire time I'm there. I wonder if there's a bar or anything like that name, but that's such a fucking overrated missed field goal. It's a 48 yarder.

People act like it was a fucking chip shot. You know, guy missed it by a couple of feet. Isn't the real thing is that Bill Belichick, the genius of Bill Belichick, haunting you guys forever, came in and shut down your running gun offense. That's what the fuck happened. And everybody blamed whatever his fucking name is. I'm not even gonna say his fucking name because he's living with enough shit about that. Do you think if he knew he was going to miss it, he would have added more fucking face bars on his helmet so his face wouldn't just be sitting there? I bet he never walks around Buffalo wearing one of those old school fucking winter hats with the ear flaps.

Oh my God, that's him. Oh, sports. It's fucking amazing. It's fucking amazing how you fuck up once in a big game and for the rest of your life, people, regular douchebags can give you shit. But if you work for a corporation and you pour shit into the water supply or turning our food supply into poison, nobody even knows who the fuck you are. You explain me that one. Anyway, so I came home last night after rapping on this acting gig that I really just fucking, I could not have had a better time. Could not have had a better time.

I came home and speaking of streaming services, I went and I watched the Pope of Greenwich Village, which is not on anything. I had to like go on to Hulu and then sign up for some fucking Cinemax shit. And I was, Cinemax, remember that? Remember that? There was HBO Showtime, Cinemax, and then there was something called the Movie Channel. And it was Cinemax, the movie channel on HBO when I first started, and then Showtime came along. Then the movie channel went away. And then Cinemax said, well, we can't compete with these guys.

Let's show Softcore porn. And then they became known as Cinemax. And I don't want to happen after that. But you know what? Cinemax rebranding themselves, I feel. I watched the Pope of Greenwich Village, which I had not seen. I don't know. I don't know when the last time I saw it, but I couldn't remember how many lines that I remember.

You woke. I remember that one. Tough. That mozzarella, tough like fucking shoe leather. Remember that one? Ain't no tough guy go to jail. Some guy ram it up your fucking ass. Fuck that shit.

I remember that one. Anyway, you know, anybody can watch it. Remember Charlie, they took my thumb, right? Just a really tight, tight movie. They just get right in. They establish the characters. They get right into it. The shit goes down.

The fallout happens. The resolution and you're out. Just a phenomenal movie. And this time when I watched it, you know, I love everybody in the movie, but Geraldine Page, who plays the mother of a police officer in the movie, I was watching her and I was like, oh my, who the hell is this? This woman is amazing. And then I went and I looked her up and she was one of the great actors of all time.

She had been nominated for seven Oscars and she won on her eighth or six Oscars and finally won on her seventh. So I wanted to find out what the movie was. And I clicked on it. And it was this big thing that was talking about how when she was up for the Oscar whoopie Goldberg was also up for the color purple. And how the color purple was nominated for like fucking, I don't know, like 72 Oscars and didn't win anything. And blah, blah, blah. The whole thing just, it just sucked. You know, it just, it just kind of took away the joy of being like, oh, who's this great fucking actor?

Oh, she finally won the Oscar. And then it's like, ah, but then they did all this fucking racist shit. But blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, the thing about the Oscars, they only give out one. So then they always have to give out like, like makeup Oscars. Like, oh, sorry, we didn't give it to you for the color purple. Here it is for ghost, right? Not saying she wasn't great in ghost, but they're always doing that.

Sorry, we didn't give it to you for fucking raging bull. Here it is for the departed. They're always, they're always behind. The whole thing is silly. The whole thing is just really fucking silly. And I just wanted to learn about this fucking actress. And then I had to delve into the fucking horrificness of all of that shit. And, but I'm still going to go back and watch all of her films.

And I also still wish whoopie Goldberg was still acting. I get why she isn't. It takes a long, a long fucking time on those gigs. But I don't know. I don't know. Huge fan of both of them though. But anyway, Geraldine Page. So I'm going to go, she was married to Rip Torn, did not know that. And just was the real deal.

Movies, TV, Broadway, whatever you wanted, she could do it. And I read a little thing when she passed away, the caliber of actor that showed up to pay their respects was just, was beyond a list. It was also like actors, actors were all there. So I think I'm going to go back and start watching all of her stuff to see why, you know, see all these movies she got nominated for. And then I'll learn about more actors and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Cause I'm on the road. That's what I'm doing out here. I'm missing my family. But I get back today by the time you hear this, I'll already be back. And I can't wait to see my kids. I had like the best FaceTime call ever with my baby boy. He was so excited to see me and I just started, you know, he's at that age where he's, you know, making noises and stuff, just going,

doing that. So I started doing that, doing all of that type of shit. And he was just dying laughing. And my wife took a screenshot of me and I look like, I don't know what, like I was on, I don't know, some sort of whatever the happiest drug is ever, which is basically making your, your, your baby laugh. It's the greatest feeling ever. I was killing.

I did it tight, like three and a half, four minutes. And I was killing this kid was dying laughing and then trying to reach to the phone, you know, to touch my face because obviously they don't understand the technology at that point. Or maybe your kid does. Maybe you have some genius kid who already understands this is a cell phone. Google Gaga. He's in another state.

And, and then my, my daughter's been telling like knock, knock jokes just makes up knock, knock jokes and that make no sense, but are absolutely silly and stupid. And she laughs her ass off, which cracks me up. So, yeah, I can't wait to get back and hang out with them. Yeah, it's just awesome. You know, I go bike riding with my kid every day, every day we ride bikes in the driveway.

And it's really cool now because she's so good at a bike, riding a bike. I just love watching. She goes into the garage. She just walks up to it. Like that's her ride, you know, little foot putting up kickstand can take off on our own. We play all these games, follow the leader and stuff. I was telling you this stuff.

I keep trying to get her to go clockwise around the circle in the driveway because she only goes, she only goes the other way. She goes counterclockwise. And now she's into that. She goes, she's always like, dad, I don't, I don't like going the other way. My other ways, the other way is my favorite. And I'm just like, all right. So I, whenever I do the follow the leader thing, I always go the other way.

And I don't know, maybe 30% of the times she'll follow me. She'll get it though. So anyway, what else did I do? I watched a little bit of this pistol Pete documentary, sort of fascinated by that. And of course, once you watch the documentary, it stops being about the game and it starts to be about the person at which point, you know, they can never just fucking be like, this guy was great at basketball and this is all the fun shit he did. You know, they're always trying to go for the award or tell the complete story.

So then they got to get into the pain and it's just like, you know, I'm going to stop watching this. I was watching it and it was all going good. And then it's just like, but behind all of that, like he lived moment for moment when the ball would go through the hoop. That was his happiness. And it was the crowd's happiness too, but the crowd took that happiness home. But when Pete walked off the court, it's like, Jesus Christ, I'm watching this shit

because I'm not happy. I don't want to get dragged down by somebody else's depression. I'm going to watch the rest of it, but I was just, you know, it's not the kind of documentary you want to watch by yourself when you're on the road missing your family. It's just, you know, like, all right, I need to watch something like silly. So anyway, I had to kill a day today. Yeah, I had to kill a day today and, you know, I was actually considering going to a, to a museum.

How hilarious is that? My new sober life here. Oh, Jesus. But this one actually interests me. Sort of an old West, Native American type of thing, which I find that way more interesting. Then, uh, I don't know, sometimes when you go, I'm actually, I can't even say that some of the shit my wife is into art. Ah, dude, she's into fucking that.

Look at the colors. Why do you think he smeared that shit over there as opposed to down in the corner? But I'm actually starting to, I guess, appreciate it. There's a few things that I never understood that I'm starting to be okay. I can kind of see that. One of which is Ginger Baker. Ginger Baker forever. People have said to me, what an unbelievable fucking drummer that guy is.

And, you know, I know this is sacrilegious, but I would listen and I like cream. I like all that stuff, but I never quite got, I knew they were an amazing band and I love their music, but I never understood like what makes this guy so much better than the next guy, right? And I remember when I watched that documentary, Beware of Mr. Baker, and when they asked him about John Bonham and he goes, John Bonham couldn't swing a sack of shit. I almost fell out of my fucking chair when he said that because I've never heard anybody. Yeah, I've heard people say, you know, I like him, but I like this guy.

I like Copeland. I like this guy better. I told him, Williams, you know, Elvin Jones, like, you know, different guys, everybody's got their guy, right? But I never heard anybody just say that he basically stunk. And Ginger Baker said that and I fucking was, I just, it hit me like a fucking cold bucket of water and then I just burst it out laughing. It was just so fucking, it was like watching a comic on stage go after something that everybody's

loving and just shitting all over. It's just the fact that you're doing it is funny. It's like, I got a couple of close friends of mine that just think the Beatles are overrated and it's just, it's fucking hilarious because, you know, they're held in such high esteem. You know, I don't agree with that at all on any level. And then, you know, they always go after their weaker shit, you know, Maxwell's silver hammer and we all live in a yellow submarine and they completely ignore all the other groundbreaking shit that they did, right?

So I always find that shit funny. So I just sort of stumbled upon this drum solo that Ginger Baker did when Cream reunited and did that tour. I cannot fucking believe I didn't see him. But they were playing at Royal Albert Hall, one of the most incredible venues in the world. And there's a clip of him playing a drum solo. And I just sat there and I watched and he just took me on a fucking 10 minute ride that was incredible. All poly rhythms and all of this shit and starting out with the theme and just lead.

I just just gradually drifted away from it to the point that I forgot it. And when he finally comes back to it in the end, it's just like, Holy shit. How the fuck did he go from that all the way, all the way, all the way over to here? Playing, you know, the jazz swing thing on the ride and doing this and then building that up and doing this sick ass fill and just stopping after that, having the crowd go nuts. He's working the crowd too. And then he just goes back to that first theme again. And then as he's doing that, you know, Clapton and Jack Bruce come walking out and then play

the original theme that they played and then they ended. It was just, it was a thing of fucking beauty. So I think that's maybe, and I always have to tell you, like, I never really liked the drum sound on a lot of those cream albums. Like I just thought it could have been way more up in the mix. I didn't think they sounded as good as some of the other stuff that came out during that time. I don't know. It's probably sacrilegious to say that.

So maybe that's why I didn't quite connect with it. But yeah, I don't know. So I'm going to try to watch some more of his, I'm going to watch that whole concert is what I'm going to do. And so I don't know. I feel kind of stupid now. I was just like, oh shit, now I get it. Now I get it. You know what?

I'm going to have that written on my tombstone. Now I get it out. I'm not getting cremated. Fucking get rid of me. All right. Liquid Death. There's a new brand out there that looks just like Tall Boys of Beer. Dude, I stand behind this product more so than anything that I read about on my podcast.

Liquid Death. They're dealing with the fact that, I mean, I think I finally get the name. I finally get it. It's like Liquid Death. Why the fuck would you call bottled water Liquid Death? It's because they put them in those plastic bottles that are going to be floating in the ocean 800 years after you're dead, after you're done drinking it. So these guys have put the bottled water in aluminum cans, which you can recycle. Can you imagine just if we just, if just our bottled water was in aluminum cans and we recycled them?

Can you imagine how much better that would be for the fucking planet? Well, thank God there's companies like this doing this. These are the kinds of people I want to have on my podcast who are actually, you know, this is something you need. Water. Everybody needs water and they're putting it in a package that is recyclable as opposed to a lot of the other shit, which is just like, hey, here's how to buy shit you don't fucking need and you'll eventually throw it out. Alright, Liquid Death. There's a new brand out there that looks just like Tall Boys of Beer, but it's actually just mountain spring water from the Alps. Perfect for if you want to stay hydrated and look cool and save the environment.

Time for a drinking game. Hey, pass me that Liquid Death. Let's go. Yeah, it's kind of a cool way to actually just be like, you know, I'm sitting there drinking a bottle of water, feeling like a tool. Like, I actually drank one under the weight of the airport and I was worried the guy was going to think that I was drinking like a mill or light or something. Anyway, give me that ice cold aluminum can with the skull. We're getting crazy tonight, drinking water. This water is giving me life. Why do they call it Liquid Death? Because Liquid Death will brutally murder your thirst, murder.

And these aluminum Tall Boys are infinitely recyclable, so they're bringing death to plastic bottles. Alright, so that's how they work it out. That's right, Death to Plastic. Liquid Death also donates 10% of profits to help kill plastic pollution forever. Yeah, I can get behind that. There's a way to do that. This is what we need to do. We need to go back having shit made out of wood and metal and we got to bring repairmen back.

And you buy a TV and they just keep fucking repairing it like they did in the old days. You bought it when you were, you know, as a wedding gift, you got one and then you just kept putting a new tube in it. I know there's going to be some sort of waste. I know people like, well, what about all the trees? We got to just plant them. Plant them and fucking, I don't know what, but there's something we got to do. Something has to happen. So thank God there's a company out here trying to do something about it.

Anyway, try to think of something more hardcore than that spoiler. You can't murder your thirst and kill plastic pollution. Save the earth with liquid death. It takes up a 2,000 years. I thought it was 800 years for a plastic bottle to decompose. Your plastic will outlive. Yeah, they're finding babies now that already have plastic born with plastic in their bodies because the mother is eating fish and the fish are in the ocean. And that's where your plastic bottles are going.

This is all fucking real shit, man. You know, do you guys want to move to Buffalo? I don't want to move to Buffalo. You'll see these cans popping up everywhere. Liquid death is available at your local Whole Foods or 7-Eleven. I went out and I bought some and then they were nice enough to send me some. I got my fridge in the office stocked up with them. I love them cracking them open.

I watch a game. They feel like you got a beer can, you know, in your hand. You're drinking water. You're not fucking ruining the environment and you stay in sober. There's a bunch of, I can't say enough about it. I love it. All right, moving on to the next one here. All right, Roman.

You know, most guys have tried different ways to last longer, but counting down from 100 doesn't always work, especially if you're bad with math. The folks at Roman and online men's health company are changing the game with Roman Swipes, the secret to longer lasting sex. Roman Swipes are clinically proven, is a clinically proven way to last longer in bed. They're effective, easy to use and fast acting, but don't require a prescription. They're basically some sort of topical anesthetic that you're putting on your dick. So your dick isn't quite as sensitive, so you can fucking just keep going. You know what I mean? It's like steroids for your dick.

You know, you still feel like it's the first game of the year. Roman can ship Swipes to you in discreet, unmarked packaging, and each Swipe packet is small enough to hide in your wallet whenever you need it. Swipes are great. They will not transfer to your partner, so you can last longer without worrying. They're super easy to use. Just take the Swipes out of the packet, swipe it on, let it dry, and you're good to go. That's it. Get Roman, r-o-m-a-n dot com slash bar, and get $10 off your first order of Swipes plus free two-day shipping.

That's get Roman dot com slash bar r-o-m-a-n for your $10 off your first order of Swipes and free two-day shipping. All right, stamps dot com. Let's face it, taking trips to the post office is probably not how you want to spend your time. That's why I recommend mailing and shipping online at stamps.com. Stamps.com allows you to mail and ship anytime, anywhere, right from your computer. Send letters, ship packages, and pay a lot less with discounted rates from USPS, UPS, and more. You've heard me talk about stamps.com. They've been sponsoring the show for over nine years now, and if you haven't tried it, what are you waiting for?

Stamps.com brings the service of the post office and UPS right to your computer. Stamps.com is a must-have for any business. Whether you're a small office sending out invoices and online sellers shipping out orders, or even a giant warehouse sending thousands of packages a day, stamps.com can handle it all with ease. Simply use your computer to print official US Postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send. Once your mail is ready, just schedule a pickup or drop it off.

It's that simple. With Stamps.com, you get discounts of up to 40% off post office rates and up to 62% off UPS shipping rates. Stop wasting your time and go to the post office and go to Stamps.com instead. Oh, stop wasting your time going to the post office and go to Stamps.com instead. There's no risk with my promo code. And with my promo code BR, you get a special offer that includes a four-week trial, plus free postage and a digital scale, no long-term commitments.

Just go to Stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in BR. That's Stamps.com. Promo code BR. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. All right. That is it.

I was out here. I ate pretty good when I was out here. Nothing too crazy, but I had a few of the delicacies where I was shooting. I had, this place was known for, I guess, chicken fried steaks. I tried chicken fried steak and chicken fried chicken. I tried an Indian taco, Native American taco, basically, what it was, but they still call it Indian tacos. That was definitely filling.

That definitely sticks to your ribs. They had one on set one day. You're out here. You got to try it. Whenever you fucking go out to these places, there's always some fucking food that's going to give you a heart attack. I remember still, way back in the day, being in Springfield, Illinois, I did a gig out there and someone was just like,

you ever try a horseshoe? Oh, you're in Springfield. You got to have a horseshoe. And I was like, what's a horseshoe? And it's basically, it's a horseshoe-shaped bun. And then they have three hamburger patties with cheese, all the fixing, lettuce, tomato pickle, whatever you want. And then they put the fries on top of that, season those things,

and then they put another horseshoe bun on top of that. You're basically having three cheeseburgers that are all in one bun. It's like that Guy Fieri shit. No, was he one of those? No, no, no, it wasn't really his. Not his show. It was more that a man versus food type of thing. You know, and you probably have to eat like the Clydesdale horseshoe one,

you know, three of those or something to get your fucking name on the wall or some shit like that. But anyway, I'm psyched to be back out here in Los Angeles. I'm psyched to be traveling as of tomorrow, Sunday. I am fully vaccinated, both shots, two weeks out. They say you still wear the mask, you know, freak people out or whatever, but it's just kind of nice to know that I fucking somehow got through all this shit and didn't catch that fucking awful virus.

You don't want to get it. And I just hope, you know, like I said, from the people who cured polio comes the cure and every other disease in plague comes this shit, you know. I stand with doctors. I'm Bill Burr, and I stand by this message. All right. So that's it, everybody. That's the podcast.

Thank you for being patient. I'll tell you, have a great rest of your weekend, and I will talk to you on Monday. What you need is what they sell it. Make you think that fine is for selling. From the theaters tomorrow to every show. The thin line between an attempt at a war. The front line is everywhere. Every no shelter here.

Still a part of the nightmare works. So push it forward. I'm a stopper to win the truth. Better to talk. Memories are raised upon this car. Training history for a PCR. Cinema, simulator, night, no drama. Fuck right culture.

Americana. Trainers and trainers got you searching for the thin line between an attempt at a war. Every no shelter here. The front line is everywhere. Every no shelter here. The front line is everywhere. Every no shelter here. Well, that's good.

What a week. It's amazing how much the world can change in a week. This week had everything. Sadness, fear, triumph, and conspiracy theory. What else do you need? And by conspiracy theory, of course, talking about how the fucking Los Angeles Lakers made it into the NBA playoffs. Dude, the NBA is the most manipulated. It's almost like they're trying to get caught.

You know what I mean? I'm going to sound like this fucking guy who made this conspiracy theory about the bombings in Boston. But to steal his fucking line, how much more proof do you need? All you got to look at is fucking, who would you rather see in the playoffs? Who's going to make him more fucking money, huh? The fucking Utah Jazz of the Los Angeles Lakers. Jesus Christ. It was fucking ridiculous.

And now they're in the playoffs and they suck. People are going to watch because they hate them just to watch them suck and watch them get pounded. It's just fucking out of them. It's the easiest fucking league to fix. Nobody has more power than a fucking NBA official. I could fix a game. I don't even understand the game. You know?

All I got to do is just fucking, I've said this before, all you have to do is a fucking NBA ref. Who's their best player? Give them two quick ones. Foul. And then another foul, right? Then as he's sitting there, looking over his shoulder with his fucking eyebrows down, you know, some guy is worth 300 million fucking more than I am in my stupid athlete's foot shirt. I just look at him like, yeah, keep looking, I'll give you a T.

I'll fucking tee you up. Right? So now he's out of the fucking game. He comes back into the game the second quarter. I give him another one. That's three. Say in the third quarter, buddy. There's no other fucking sport.

You can't do that in NFL football. You know, I can't call intentional grounding fucking two times on Tom Brady and get him out of the game until the second quarter. I can't call three strikes on a fucking, you know what I'm saying? It is the most manipulate, obviously, and obviously, brutally, obviously, manipulated game. This is what kills me. What fucking kills me about the mouth breathing fucking morons that you walk into that you bump into that you walk into? I'm a fucking mouth breathing moron. I can't even express my views.

I'm actually taking a class on that. How to express your views. How to call other people dumb without sounding dumb yourself. Have you found yourself on your podcast with no guests? No, um, this is what kills me about these fucking mouth breathing morons. If you start telling that the NBA is fixed or it's fucking manipulated, they roll their eyes at you like you're a moron. And what fucking kills me is they had a mobbed up ref. They had a fucking mobbed up ref.

And then they do that shit. I was just one. It was just one. Yeah, just one bad seat. Like the NBA, it's boxing. It's basically boxing, but it's just as fucking corrupt. I love that shit how it was just one, how there was a mobbed up ref and none of the other referees on the officiating crew could figure out that this guy was throwing games or shaving points. I mean, what are they doing?

They don't notice. Give me a fucking break is all I'm saying. All right. And then another thing is I, there's no other fucking sport where the star players get the level of preferential treatment. I don't want to hear from you fucking NFL fans with how they protect quarterbacks. Okay, they do that straight across the fucking, they do that straight across the fucking league because those guys are their breadwinners. And obviously a paint manning a Brady is going to get where the star players always get more preferential treatment. Okay.

In all sports, I'll throw that out there. But none, none like the fucking NBA. All right. If you go near Kobe Bryant, you're getting a fucking foul. If it doesn't go in, he looks at the ref like it didn't go in. Obviously I was fouled and he gets the fucking call. It's annoying. Haven't said all that as much as I hate the Lakers.

That was the fucking worst thing I've seen in sports in a long time. Other than that kid's leg fallen off for Louisville was Kobe snappers snapping his fucking Achilles. But luckily they're in an age now where they, he's going to be back the way that they can operate on. Like one of my try to say the level of technology that they had like back in the day you were fucked. It was over. My buddy Jason Lawhead who's got a great podcast himself was saying Dominique Wilkins came, took a year off after that injury and actually came back and became NBA player of the year, but he was never the same guy.

But it's different now, you know, which of course they won't take into consideration. So when he does come back, they're going to be the most unbelievable, improbable, you know. Isn't it ridiculous? My level of fucking, it's not even the Lakers. It's their fucking fans. Their lack of knowledge on the game. Well, they have one of the most selfish, self-centered fucking players of all time. And how the team actually plays as a team when he's not on the fucking court and they still chant MVP when that fucking cancer comes back out on the court.

It just blows my fucking mind. You know why? Because everybody's in a fantasy league and it's all about, well, he had fucking 38 and this guy had 22 there, 40, 16 points better. All right. Let me take my tampon out here and let's get on with the podcast. You're listening to the Monday Morning Podcast and it's not brought to you by anybody this week. It's brought to you by me and my fucking heart. All right.

So I started off with something silly and over the top. I don't, I don't like talking about heavier shit on this podcast, but obviously I got to acknowledge what happened at the Boston Marathon. You know, I'm not going to say anything that everybody else hasn't already said. I just don't know how somebody could, how do you fucking do that? Just walk up and you're setting it down and you're looking at people's legs and kids and shit and you're just walking away knowing that in whatever, seven minutes, eight minutes, whatever the fuck it is. I mean, just, how do you do something like that? You know, fucking unbelievable. It's goddamn nerds, man.

I got to tell you something. Nerds are some of the most dangerous fucking people on the planet. Those two were a couple of nerds. Nerds! Fucking MIT fucking nerds. You sent me in a goddamn hobby store to cannibalize some fucking toys. You think I'm coming out with a bomb? I'm not. I'm coming out with the fucking ugliest toy you've ever seen in your life.

All fucking taped together with duct tape. I didn't know what, what is in a fucking hobby store? What is in there? What did they, what did they, what did they, some glue? What did they took? It is another thing that fucking annoys me. You know, and then everything's nerds. They make all these fucking movies like they're these great goddamn people.

They aren't. They aren't. All the weaponry that you see across the fucking globe for as much as some sociopath thinks of the shit, it takes a nerd to make that psycho thought a fucking reality. Fucking goddamn nerds. The world, the secrets of the world, and this is what they do with it. You know? Well, they come up with something and then somebody else uses it for fucking evil.

I don't know what the fucking thing is, but here's my thing. Any terrorists listening to this podcast? Are you, are you in a fucking cave right now? Jerking off to your fucking 72 virgins or whatever the hell they're promising you. All right. First of all, they're not there. You go in the ground. Okay.

That's where you're going. So what you want to do is you want to try and stay alive. You know, meet yourself a cute fucking lady. You know, have a cookout. Ride a bicycle, fill the wind in your fucking hair or in your beard. You know? What are you doing? When is your district manager going to go fucking do something instead of sending all you cunts over here?

Here's another thing too. How about you switch it up every once in a while and you go to a gated community? You know, doesn't always have to be regular people. Why don't you actually fucking go after the cunts that are making your life miserable? And you know who I'm talking about? I'm talking about the fucking bankers. You know, let me tell you something about these banker cunts. They fucking own everything.

You understand me? They own everything. And if they don't own it, it's just temporary because somebody's going to fucking die or need a kidney and then they're going to lose whatever the fuck that they own. Every fucking house, every fucking building, every fucking piece of property, every fucking blade of grass, these fucking banker cunts own. And they look at it that way. That's our stuff, okay? And then you go on it, you air quote, buy it from us, and then we bend you over that fence and fuck you in the ass for 30 years. And by the time you come out the other side, you're too fucking old to take care of whatever you bought.

I can't go up the stairs anymore, too old. And then you sell it and then they get another 30, 35 year old cut in there and they fucking bend him over. Fucking have at it for 30 goddamn years. That's what they do. Yeah. So I don't know what those people were trying to fucking achieve. All they did was just, you know, make a bunch of regular people. Just, there's no way to hear whatever your whatever your fucking causes.

I don't give a fuck. You could actually have agree with me on everything that I think about the fucking world. The second you walk into a crowd and just fucking do something like that. I don't want to hear it. But you know what was fucking amazing was how they just shut the whole fucking city down. I mean, that's just unbelievable. Everybody just stay inside and then you just got the only person running up the street is the guy you're looking for. A couple of crack heads, you know.

Crack heads don't have radios. Plus they live outside. Where the fuck am I supposed to go in my box? You know, get your feet up on that park bench. Your fucking feet come off the park bench. You're officially considered outside. It can shoot two in your fucking neck. That kid.

How funny was the news coverage? Listen to all those fucking Boston accents. Yeah, we ascertain that there's no suspect. Some more C Boulevard. Um, and the I actually didn't watch most of it. Once the bullshit was going, it's like, I'm not going to sit here for eight. I'm not going to sit here for eight hours and watch a goddamn standoff. Watching these fucking news reporters grabbing anything with a mouth to start talking to him.

You know, we got a we got a gentleman here who works at. He works at Edmunds bakery. You said that you actually knew one of the suspects. Actually, no, but both of them had brown hair and my mother's got brown hair. So there's like, you know, it's like Erie, you know, then one time they actually got a guy. Who were one of the suspects dropped off the car. You know, and he had all this fucking unbelievable information and he's just spewing it out on television. And they're also filming the cops where they're at their location.

I just wanted something like fucking 20 year vet to come up to one of these reporters, stick a pistol right underneath his fucking chin and just be like, who's fucking sider you are. They're sitting there showing what they're doing. I don't know. But anyways, I was really amazed at how quickly and efficiently that whole thing went down and how quickly they got those guys. It was unreal. And then I was happy that when I found out I'm sitting there going, please, please don't be from North Korea. Please don't be from the Middle fucking East. Please don't be from one of those fucking places because these fucking assholes are going to beat us because if we keep bombing every fucking and go into war with every country that they're from, I mean, we're going to go bankrupt.

I mean, we just spent like fucking out. How many billions of dollars did we just spend to catch like 35 people? I don't know why we just don't send the drones over there. What are they going to do? The worst thing to do is they shoot one down. It gives a fuck. You just make another one. Have a fucking nerd make another one.

And you just fly around over there. Right? Damn, I know I'm overly simplifying it. But then I found out they were from Chetnia. And I went, Chetnia, how the fuck you say it? And how many people were like me who said that? They're from Chetnia. You can't even say it and let alone even know where it is.

I thought that was near like Yugoslavia or like Czechoslovakia. And today when I went to look it up before the podcast, so I wouldn't even sound dumb. I just wrote in Chetnia and I spelt it so bad. Oh my God, I spelt it so bad that I'm not even saying I still can't fucking say it right. And I've heard them say it like nine million times in the news. Like, my computer didn't even know what I was typing in. So I had to take my shot at spelling Chetnia and then I would rush her after it. And then I was like, oh, you made this.

Evidently, it's just north of Georgia in Armenia and Azerbaijan. It's basically to the right to the north of Turkey. You know, I don't fucking know. And you know what the worst thing about the bombing other than the tragic loss of life? You know, and there's so many, so much other stuff like just, I would imagine people with hearing loss, loss, you know, vision or partial loss of vision and just, I don't know, just the psychological all of that damage that was done. Right up there, not right up there, but a distant third to death and injury and psychological. So put it forth is the fact that I really felt that I was that in my own little way I was starting to turn the tide.

And I was starting to turn Red Sox fans against that fucking Neil Diamond song. But now now it's over because now everybody's all patriotic, you know, about Boston. They played the fucking song. They played it at Yankee Stadium. I'm getting douche chills just talking about it. And then Neil Diamond himself, the devil himself comes to fucking Fenway and everybody reaching out. Touching me touching the fucking joy in these people's faces as they sing along with this man who wrote a song about an eight year old girl. I don't understand it.

But it's over now. I give up. I'm throwing in the fucking towel. It's over because now it now it is it's it's now associated with the triumph of feeling of getting the two cunts that, you know, that started the whole fucking on whatever. This is why I'm not a news correspondent. I can't even explain it without saying cunts who are responsible for the bombings of Boston. There we go. That's what I'm trying to say.

And now it's associated with that. So it's fucking over. And anyways, bright side of all of this is that they got the two guys and the two guys were trained in a fucking country that's too fucking big for us to attack at this point. They got too many too much shit themselves. So maybe we won't go. We won't have to spend a billion dollars. You know, have a more loss of life on our side and have like kill a million civilians over there trying to find fucking 35 assholes. So so I guess that part of it is good.

Then I love that we got him. And I think it's fucking hilarious that people there's already conspiracy theories that that that these aren't the two guys. And it's the YouTube video of the week. You got to hear this fucking guy. He basically he pieces together a bunch of video and cell phone pictures and he finds another guy with the backpack and and then that's it. Completely ignores. You know, they say innocent men don't run yet. They also don't kidnap people and throw grenades and shoot guns at fucking police.

You know, that's not what you do. Like, wait, I'm being accused by something I didn't do and then he just grabbed a grenade out of your fucking back pocket. You know, but this guy is absolutely convinced that from his computer, he doesn't need to go down to the scene. He doesn't need to interview anybody. He doesn't need to be anywhere near the evidence. He just needs to be on his computer looking at cell phone pictures and video. And so he finds another guy with the backpack that he says matches the one that was exploded afterwards. And then he goes, there it is, folks.

He goes, how much more proof do you need? Then he goes, he goes, smoked it folks game over. He's talking shit like Verzi. I love the guy when I have time. I'm going to go back to his channel. I'm going to watch all of his fucking videos because if he's going to end every half ass half baked fucking idea with smoked it folks game over. I mean, I don't know about you guys, but that's easily four hours of entertainment in my world. You know, anyways, so here we go.

Let's get this is the Monday morning podcast and I am your ignorant fucking host and I'll make you feel better over the next 60 minutes about your level of intellect. Because no matter how dumb you think you are, there's no way you're going to come off. Is it stupider than I have? What are we up to, huh? How many fucking minutes is it time to do the one and only read this week with 20 minutes in reaching out touching me pedophile fucking creepy old do get away from our damn kids. Fuck you. Fuck you. All right, here we go.

I just hate when everybody goes bump bump bump, you know, do the world a favor and kill yourself. Kill that song. Wait a minute. Where the fuck is where the fuck is the the ads for this week? Everybody I did my little do diligence here. Downloads there it is stamps.com everybody stamps.com. You know the drill. Small businesses know from experience that going to the post office is a waste of time, but at least and but leasing an expensive postage meter is out of the question.

I know a better way and I've been telling you about this for over a year stamps.com stamps.com will save you valuable time. You get 24 seven access to all services of the post office right from your desk, whether you're sending envelopes or packages, first class or priority, domestic or international, however you want to send it. Get the postage you need using your own computer printer and stamps.com. You stand in there in your underwear at two in the morning and you can get all your mailing done. You can get a jump on your day. You never have to leave your house. It's fantastic. It's the Howard Hughes style post office.

You can sit there, grow your nails and your hair. You can have a great time. It's quick. It's easy and it's really convenient and you'll never have to go to the post office again. I use stamps.com to send out all my DVDs. I don't have any problems. It's tremendous. And I'm a moron and I can figure out how to use it right now.

Use my last name Burr BURR for this special offer. No risk trial plus $110 bonus offer includes a digital scale and up to $55 and free postage. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr BURR that stamps.com enter Burr. There you go. That right there, ladies and gentlemen is all the advertising for this week. So all you whiny cunts out there who want your free shit.

And I love how the whiny cunts want free shit and they want no advertising. Work for me for nothing. All right, before I get on to some of the other shit that I want to talk about, I'm going to read this first email that I got from somebody and it's titled Anger Not Hitting. It said, dear Bill, I watched two of your specials recently on Netflix while you are a very funny guy. Now, this is when you know some criticism is coming your way. Anytime somebody, now, you know, I'm not saying you're not a good guy. While you are a very funny guy and most of the stuff is great,

I really need to point out your bit about violence against women has a major flaw. Well, thank you person who never did stand up. Please, by all means, help me fix my jokes. There's no doubt there are plenty of reasons a man could be angry with the woman. So there is a reason for that, but there really is no reason and no excuse for hitting. My ex nearly murdered me because I didn't want to be with him anymore and told him he needed to move out of my house. I paid for entirely mine alone.

I never laid a hand on him nor even thought of it. I spent a week in intensive care so you can see how I might think that you could amend that bit to say there are reasons for anger not hitting. All right. Now, for those of you who aren't stand up comedians, this right here is a reoccurring email that will go on throughout your entire fucking career. And this is what I find. First of all, at no point did I say anybody should hit a woman.

I never said that. I said when they say there's no reasons to hit a woman, I presented scenario. I just said, look, there's plenty of reasons to do it. You just don't do it. That was the joke. Repeat the joke. Capital J dash oak joke. And this is what I find about people who get offended.

And she was cool or whatever. Obviously, you know, um, this is what I find about people who send me emails like this. All right. Obese people get offended by jokes about obesity. You know, women who've been fucking beaten by some piece of shit guy get offended about the hitting women joke. All right. Fucking I don't know people who fly pilots get offended by my shit about talking shit about pilots, but this is what I find. Pilots never get offended by the obese material.

Obese people never get offended by the hitting women thing. The dog lovers who get offended by the dog, the adopted dog rescue dog bit, never get offended by the starving child jokes. See what I'm saying? Well, I understand if you don't let me try to explain a little better. I'm just saying this fucking lady sat through two of my specials. So the first special, okay, she watches. I don't fucking talk about hitting women. So that's an hour right there.

She sat through laughter fucking tits off at a great time. And then she sits through about 40, 45 minutes of the next one and everything's fucking fine. And everything's funny and everything's just a joke as I'm just going through one topic after another that's offending the fuck out of everybody who's in that group. And then it comes around to some shit that's in her neighborhood. And then all of a sudden I have to start making like amends to bits. I need to tweak it a little bit because of her fucking personal experience. I have to tweak it because of her personal experience. And then all of a sudden what I'm saying is not a joke anymore.

It's more of a statement. And I'm more like, you know, I mean, early in this podcast, I advocated these terrorists go into a fucking gated community. Do you think I really want them to do that? Yeah. No, I don't. I don't. But just maybe like some firecrackers off underneath their limo, just something, some sort of small payback. How easy would it be for them to get in the fucking those gated communities?

They're already driving the town cars. Dude, if I was a banker, and I was a piece of shit banker, I would be so fucking paranoid that someone was going to whack me for all the misery and suffering that I fucking, you know, that I've been causing. The fact that I turned a fucking pond into my own jacuzzi, right? I can park my yacht in my fucking jacuzzi. And I just sitting there, you know, eating fucking crab legs and caviar every fucking day, standing on fucking dead babies' heads. There's no fucking way I would ever get in a fucking town car. There's no way.

There's no way. I would have whoever my Frado of my litter of kids, whoever the Frado was, that was to be the guy that I had driving the car. Although in the Godfather, he was looking out for Marlon Brando and then he got shot, right? So I don't fucking know. Anyways, oh, you know, I read some actually some really interesting shit about how Iceland beat the bankers. When Iceland went bankrupt and then the bankers tried to pull this shit where, yeah, we were greedy cuts and now we're putting the debt on you and your taxpayers. They said, you know what, fuck you. This isn't our debt.

This isn't our mess. It's yours. And then all these fucking sell out cunts like fucking Amsterdam and Britain put all this pressure on fucking Iceland because they pussied out with the bankers. They've been on their knees sucking that banker cock for fucking ever. They tried to fucking get them to come along. They've tried to pressure them and I, you know, or else we'll turn you into the Cuba of the North and they said, fuck you. We're not doing it. And you know what?

That's what this country should have done. This country should have told those banker fucking cunts. I just, I'm beside myself that it isn't brought up more. You know, it's the whole thing. Like I have water damaged to my house. My insurance company sends a check that's made out to me, Nia, and then my mortgage company. And I have to, we have to sign the check over to them so they keep the money. And you know why that is?

Because they fucked so many people so fucking hard in the ass. So many people are upside down in houses because of the bullshit that they created by making people who aren't qualified for loans qualified. So instead of having five people bid on a house, you got 10 people bidding on it and it goes up like Super Bowl tickets, right? And all of a sudden a house that's really worth a buck 80 sells for 270. So you got these cunts. Everybody's fucking upside down in the house. They're like, well, fucking, I'm keeping this money. And then when they foreclose on it, they fucking come in and they're like, fuck, they never fixed the roof.

So now I have to sign over my goddamn money. It's my money. It's my insurance. That's my insurance money. I have to send it into them. You know why? Because people, it's not my house. It's their fucking house.

It's theirs. All right. And if I ever pay this fucker off, which you know I'm gonna, I drive a six year old hybrid. All right. I don't give a fuck. I fucking, I dress like Malcolm Young because I'm getting these cunts out of my life. And this is what's going to happen. I'm going to pay off this fucking house.

And you think when I die, I can, I can just give it to somebody else. It's my house, right? If I can fucking give away all my other shit, why can't I give the house? The house is going to have all taxes and all these penalties and all this bullshit. And whoever I fucking leave it to is going to make, you know what? It's just going to be easy to sell it. And then they sell it and whatever money they make, they get the shit taxed out of them. They get half a dick in their ass and then somebody else buys this thing.

And then the bank goes balls deep in them for another fucking 30 years. You know what? Halfway through that, I realized, am I sounding crazy or am I making sense? I don't know. I talked to a banker in a titty bar. He agreed with everything I said. All right. Special thanks this week to everybody I did at the Tampa, who came out to the Tampa improv,

who came out to Florida State University in Tallahassee. I'd never been there and came out to Miami. The Fillmore Jackie Gleason Theater had a great time in all cities. That was the end of the bus tour when it was just me and Verzi. Jason Lawhead and his dad had gone home at that point. So it was just us on the bus. I got it. I have a fucking unbelievable video of being on the bus and this fucking.

RV is just completely engulfed in flames. So that'll be a video that I'll be sending out to you guys this week if you want to check it out. Tallahassee, Florida. We played Florida State. We went over to their Bobby Bowden. We went over to the stadium. Did I tell you that last week? I can't remember.

No, I wouldn't because that would have been on a Tuesday. Yeah. So we fucking, it was one of these great stadiums where they just leave it out. They just leave it open and the students can go in there and run the stairs and just, you know, it's kind of how like it used to be. Stadiums, even pro stadiums used to be like that. I remember a long time ago, my family was vacationing down in Florida and we were in Tampa and somehow we ended up the original Tampa Bay Buccaneer stadiums, like the John McKay one, right? And I just, I wanted to see it so I got out of the car with my mother and we just walked right into the stadium and I stood on the corner of one of the end zones. It was just, it was wide open.

I mean, what are you going to steal? It's grass chairs. It's just a big fucking circle with chairs. But now I guess because they got all this other crap in there with the luxury boxes, people think you're going to, I don't know, steal a fucking recliner. I don't know, whatever. So Florida State University, we went there. I mean, Verzi actually, we ran up the stairs once, one time and it was one of the great workouts I've ever had just doing it once. Of course, me, I have fucking OCD is like, oh, you know what?

I do one for three days in a row. Then I do two and I fucking work my way up. It's just my brain just starts fucking going. But great crowds there, great crowds in Tampa, smoke some amazing fucking cigars in Tampa. And then we went down to the Fillmore Miami in South Beach. And South Beach is so fucking beautiful with the, they have all the, like I'm a big fan of Art Deco and they have all these Art Deco style hotels and the theater itself was that Art Deco style crowd was amazing. I'm not going to lie to you, dude. That tour I just went through, through the South, I was on my fucking game.

I had some of the best shows I've ever had. And I think it was because it took me so long to sell tickets down in the South. Like, like the first place I sold tickets obviously was East Coast. That's where I'm from. You know, my HBO special came out and then I got on the Opie and Anthony show at the same time because Norton was doing Lucky Louis. So those two things kind of hit at the same time. And once they hit, I kind of was able to sell tickets from Boston down to like DC, which is a big ONA market and then maybe to about Cleveland. But I didn't have Pittsburgh though.

And then I think I had like San Francisco. That's what I had. And then gradually I got the middle of the country and the last one to fall was the South. I just couldn't get in down there from fucking Nashville all the way down, even to like Miami. Miami, Miami used to do the improv. They're like, yeah, you know, white comics don't sell well down here. It's a really big Latino community and they weren't lying. I showed up.

There was nobody there. So I think I was fucking excited and felt like I had something to prove. I don't know what, but it was kind of like the first show went well and it was like you hit your first jump shot, you know, and then it just, it just was fucking amazing, man. Just amazing. So I really want to thank everybody who came out to all those shows. One thing that did bum me out though was, you know, I'm a huge Jackie Gleason fan. I used to watch his, obviously watched all the Honeymooners episodes and then I used to watch his variety show, which I also loved. You know, Joe the bartender.

What was it? Crazy. Crazy. I can't remember. It's been so long. I forget. That's when I say Lou Holtz sounds like, hey, Joe. Hey, you meet the guy.

That guy. Remember that? He sounds just like Lou Holtz. Hey, you preach. Look into your goat cheese. Um, excuse me. Um, oh, fuck me. God damn it.

I swear to fucking Christ. Are you guys like me? Ah, fuck. I spill a fucking glass of water every goddamn day. Went right on my Rolling Stone, which I have a subscription to. Fucking Louis CK is on the cover. You know, this is one I'm obviously going to say knock it off fucking wet and I got to go down to the new stand by another one. But you know what?

That'll be good for him because they'll think, oh, well, everybody's buying it because he's on the cover. They won't realize it's a bunch of morons spilling glasses of water on it. By the way, if you get a chance, fucking unreal article on Louis CK fucking killer article, killer article. So anyways, going back to the Jackie Gleason theater, so I performed there and then I leave. And after I left, somebody goes like, yeah, how amazing is that theater? You know, I was insane. Yeah, Jackie Gleason performed there and blah, blah, blah. I know, I know.

And they go, did you see his dressing room? And I was like, what? They go, yeah, upstairs. They have his dressing room. They've kept it pretty much like the way he had it after he was finally here. I mean, it's amazing. It's like walking back in time. And I was like, what the fuck?

Why didn't you tell me? How do I know I'll ever be back there again? That was the only bad part. But then it was quickly made up because Verzi at the end of the show is, he met this chef out of New Hampshire, Tim Andriola. And he had this, he was like, I guess he has three restaurants down there. Celebrity chef, long story short, he invites us out, keeps the restaurant open. And we basically, to use Verzi's expression, we dined like gods.

It was insane. Now forgive me, Tim, because I don't fucking remember the name of the restaurant. And so you don't think I'm being disrespectful. I don't remember the names of any restaurants. All right. Like I have, I just have nicknames for all the ones that we go to out here. One of them is called Pancake Circus. That's because I walked in there the first time I saw it.

It has giant like manhole sized pancake with a bunch of fucking whipped cream on it. And all I could think of was like, that looks like clown food. So I don't know, I'm on moron, but I think it's Timo. But this is the thing. The first thing we go there, the first thing they bring out is crab legs. I fucking hate crab legs. I've never been into them. It's so much goddamn work to get a mouthful of fucking meat.

And then it just tastes like the goddamn ocean. All right. I have been converted. These fucking crab legs, not only were the best crab legs I ever ate. They were some of, it was some of the best food I've ever had. Even the melted butter tasted better than anybody else's melted butter. I was sitting there. I look like a fucking.

I look like a toddler eating birthday cake. Except for cake all over my face. It was just fucking crab legs and butter. I must have ate like fucking three or four of those legs. Then he brought over pizzas. Who does pizza well in fucking outside of New York and the fucking East Coast? This guy, Tim Andriola fucking pizzas. Unbelievable, unbelievable.

And then we had a, is it ceviche? Is that how you fucking chat? I don't know how to fucking say it. Run fucking believable food in the restaurant. It's spelled T-I-M-O. I know I'm saying it wrong because there's a little fancy accent thing over the O. I don't know how to say it, but it's right on the beach. All right.

If you ever go down to South breach and you bring your fucking lady, then I can't say it. T-I-M-O with the fucking, it's not the Motley crew, two dots. It's one of those little accent things. So thank you to Tim, his whole staff. Everybody was insane. And we came over there. It was like eight of us. And you know, I swear to God, they would have still been bringing out food if we didn't leave.

It was one of the greatest I've ever been treated on the road. And you know, it was fucking insane. So what else? What else am I going to talk about? I don't have any smooth transition from that to the next thing here. I've been watching a bunch of shit on Netflix. I'm big on the, I like documentaries, you know, and I watched one and a half last night before I fell asleep. I watched this thing called the Queen of Versailles, which you have to see.

And it's basically about this guy, 75 years old, 75 years old. He married Miss Florida in 1993. So he's fucking ball and has seven kids with her. Right. And he's got this, he sells time shares, you know, which, you know, is really a shady fucking business. You know, hey, I mean, I don't, I don't, what is a fucking time share? It's, it's, it's a fucking overpriced hotel room, isn't it? I mean, I don't, what am I buying?

If I spend all that money, I don't want to be laying in a bed that somebody else has been fucking in. I want a brand new bed. Okay. That's, that's deal number one. Cause other than that, I can go lay in a bed that everybody else fucked in all year long. It's called the hotel. Right. But this guy had basically had, was the biggest time share company in the world, according to him.

And, and he was in the middle of building the biggest house in America and it had 10 kitchens. There's fucking nine people in their family. They have one more kitchen than they have people in their family. All right. You have to watch just to see them. I mean, it's not finished yet because in 2008 they got caught up in all the banker shit. And, but you just have to see when his wife walks in with her friend and when they walk up these stairs. I'm telling you, these fucking stairs are, are wider than the stairs at Grand Central Station in New York City.

They go upstairs and the fucking friend of the Miss, Miss 1993 Florida goes is like, you know, cause they haven't like put the walls up. It's just the, the framing of it. She goes, oh my God. She goes, is that your bedroom? And she goes, no, it's my closet. It's, but if you really want to say, okay, now a lot of people will watch the queen of Versailles and go, look at these two selfish fucking people and all the waste and all that apps. The fucking Luffy Lutely, that's on the fucking surface. But underneath all of it, you, you see a guy who doesn't want to declare bankruptcy and put that money on the American people and wants to fight his way out of it.

And the bankers won't do it. Like he had a building out in fucking Vegas. He put 350 million of his own fucking money in and now we can't make the payments. So he wants the bankers to try and, you know, give him some of the bailout money and they kept all of it because this is the thing. If he fucking, if they get him to default on that, they get to keep his 350 million and sell the fucking building all over again. Um, you know, and obviously this guy, he got overextended. He made the mistake of not realizing, you know, what bankers are and what it is that they do. They're not your friends.

They're not trying to help you grow your fucking business. They're trying to make every fucking dime off you as they can. And when it's over, you bust the joint out. I just started thinking about the fucking good fellas. Well, they start burning it down, but rather than burning the place down, they fucking did you. You know, the, the raliota and fucking Joe Pessi are fucking tying those little candle things to you. Trying to bang this fucking juper out over here. You can't help me out. What's the world coming to?

And then you burn to the ground. That's it. But the building's still standing and then they get some other group to go in there and then they fuck them in the ass. I'm telling you, we should all as civilians, you remember the ending of Scarface when they were coming over the wall? What we should be doing right now in gated community is going to bankers fucking houses. We should be dragging them out by the tassels of their fucking wingtips. All right. Anyways, so I watched that phenomenal. And it was sad.

It was also sad because you saw a guy that was really into his business. But granted, I think also, you know, you have to find a through line when you're filming something because I think they initially started the documentary. I think it was going to be look how successful this guy is. And then that shit happened and then it turned into something else. So I heard he sued the makers of the documentary, but phenomenal and the music is incredible. All right. And then I watched another one about the serial killer Carl Pansram. The spirit of hatred and vengeance.

You got to fucking see this. He, he writes a this guard befriends him and he writes a fucking book in jail. And I forget how off I fuck it. I had it in my head how he said it. They have the voiceover actor going, my name is Carl Pansram. I have killed over 22 people and committed over a thousand acts of sodomy. His book starts. I got to buy the fucking book.

I mean, let me look this up. I'll read you a little bit about this guy in Wikipedia. For some reason, like, you know, a bunch of other people, Ted Bundy speaking of Florida State. Dude, you know Florida State where Ted Bundy killed those three sorority girls. They still use that house as a sorority house. That just fucking blew me away. Fucking blew me away. Like how, how in God's name.

Now I'm not into ghosts. I don't believe in that shit. But I do draw a line. I don't think that I could sleep in that fucking house knowing that all that shit like happened. All right, here we go. Let's just read Carl Pansram here was an American serial killer, rapist, arsonist and burglar. Here we go. He's known for his confessions to his only friend, prison guard, Henry Lesser.

Let's get this killing spree. What the fuck is it? He basically, he used to have, he had a boat and he would get sailors drunk and he would bring these guys back to the boat. He'd fucking sodomize them and then shoot them in the head and throw them overboard. One of the most evil fucking things that was basically that happened when he was a kid. He got fucking raped and then he was like, all right, well, I'm fucking raping everybody else. I mean, the guy was just fucking. Yeah, let me look up some quotes.

I don't want to creep you guys out. This would be turned into a creepy podcast, but I just never heard of this guy. Carl Pansram. What the fuck is it? All right, there's some website, the 11 most badass words ever uttered. I hate when I do this to you guys when I just start surfing the fucking net. All right. Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard.

I could kill 10 men while you're fooling around. I don't know. You know, it kind of helps if you have the context. Oh, was that when they went to kill him? Everyone hopes to leave a legacy to be remembered after our passing. Some people try to pull off immortality with the lifetime of achievement and noble acts, but why piss away all that energy when you can simply spot one badass quote before you take a dirt nap and live on through eternity known as a guy who needed a second casket for his balls.

The last words of Carl Pansram when they were, he said, hurry up, you Hoosier bastard. I could kill 10 men while you're fooling around. Who's your summary from Indiana? Carl Pansram did make an interesting point about the Meyer of bureaucracy versus individual enterprise. If you guys are executing. Oh, but yeah, basically thought they were taking too long. Wow, this is great. This is all people's last words.

Last words of chief sitting bull. I'm not going. Do with me what you like. I'm not going. Then exclamation point. Come on, come on, take action. Let's go. I guess that was back.

You want to fucking do this? Let's do this. That was that's how they said it in the 1800s. And he's also speaking a second language. That's how much balls he had. He still sounded tough in another language. Another guy before he got hang the last words of George Engel, union activists and founder of the socialist labor party. He's standing with the fucking rope around his neck.

He said, hooray for anarchy. This is the happiest moment of my life. All right. Yeah, I got to read them all now. Just when you thought you had a fucking pair. Here we go. Gills Corey. Last words of a farmer accused of being a witch while being crushed with stones.

He said more weight. James French convicted murderer, putting to death in the electric chair. Oh, his name is James French. He goes, hey, fellas, how about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? Surprise. I'm sorry. I'm enjoying this. I hope you are too.

Last words of the hipster hero. How do you say his name? Che Guevara. The one everybody has on the t-shirt. I don't know what he did. He was friends with fucking the bearded bastard down there. And then all of a sudden he went down. He was going to play baseball.

All those Cuban rebels at some point they were going to play baseball. They fucking love the game. I believe what's his face? Castro pitched in the farm league of the Colt 45s. All right. This was Che Guevara. His last words were, I know you're going to kill me. Shoot.

You're only going to kill a man. Jesus. I hope that they don't have, if I'm going out like that, they better not have my last words because I'm going to sound like the biggest pussy ever. Come on. Don't do it. I'm sorry. You know, just thinking of what's his face.

I can't remember anybody's fucking names. I got to get this one right. I got to get this name right or I can't do this. Ah, fucking. I'm a moron. Let's go back to the podcast. I'm thinking of the, who's the guy who plays McGroober? Will, there's too many wills.

Well, Farrell will earn that. It's not that. It's fucking, ah, I'm the worst. How he would always do that thing when he would get into a jam and just be like, I will suck your dick. I would have some awful fucking quote like that. I would. I don't want to die.

Don't kill me. Please do not kill me. All right. Here we go. Some fucking, um, I got to look, I'm going to look up his fucking name. Okay. Dicted to whores. Um, hey, Bill, love the podcast.

I could use a bit of advice. I'm a 30 year old man and have a bit of a problem over the past few years. I've become addicted to horse, not just typical bar sluts, but full blown professionals. Oh, Jesus. Um, it's gotten so bad that I researched the girls that I see and the majority of my time consists of going through message boards and underground communities filled with other pervs like myself who review working girls. All right, dude, you're going down a dark fucking hole.

I fortunately never went down. Um, I'm already in over my head here, but you know, whatever you wrote in. So I'm going to fucking try and answer it knowing full well that I am not a professional, sir. Because my problem is that I have become so addicted to this lifestyle that I cannot see myself having a traditional relationship with the woman. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

You open Pandora's box, you know, dude, you have a woman who will do whatever you want and you don't have to be emotionally there for, you don't have to wipe your feet off. You can just, you know, talk to her wherever you want, give her some money and then she leaves. You don't have to cuddle. You have zero emotional responsibility. You know, that's like somebody rich who's been fucking flying around in their own jet. And then all of a sudden, you know, this shit goes down like in that queen of Versailles

and all of a sudden they have to get on a commercial flight and their kids are looking around going, why are all these people on a plane? You're in the same place. Your dick is like a billionaire. You know, and if you get into a fucking relationship at this point, that's like the 2008 collapse collapse. You know, I make any sense. All right.

After experiencing this lifestyle for so long, I just cannot force myself to sit a bar trying to convince some chick whose best years are behind her to give me a half hearted BJ. I consider myself a decent looking guy. I think you consider yourself a lot more than that, sir. I think you stand in front of the mirror with your hands on your sides like Superman, not hands on your hips, hands on your hips. That's effeminate. But if you stand there with your two fists like that, then all of a sudden you look like

you should have a cape flapping behind you. I think you do that. You stand there and you're naked, you know, with like the same distance between your feet that a state trooper has when he comes up going, you know how fast you were going. And then you look to the side with your dick flapping in the wing because of the oscillating fan. And then you'd every morning just go, I am the shit. That's how I think you feel about yourself.

I would just guess anyways, I think I'm a decent looking guy and I do get attention from the women, but I often find that they are not worth the effort because I get bored so quickly. Yeah, I know. Actually having to converse rather than just being like, hey, how much for you to suck my dick? Oh yeah, I'll give you a half that. Come on, work with me.

I'll meet you in the middle. I'll give you an extra five because it's cold out. All right, get in the car. My problem is that I get bored with women immediately after I sleep with them. I do not fear diseases as I always use condoms. Dude, that's not 100% by the way. I don't know why, but it is. I don't know how you can have a raincoat on your dick and still get herpes.

I think because your balls are fucking hanging out of the back of the chopper, you know? And safety, I always use condoms and safety and safety wise. I love when you guys like rewrite your fucking emails and then you delete half a sentence and then you fucking don't notice and then you put it in here and you make me look even dumber than I am. Anyways, I guess he uses condoms. He said it would be just as dangerous sleeping with a random bar slut who doesn't force their partners to use condoms.

No, it wouldn't, sir. No, it wouldn't, because it's a numbers thing, all right? Some bar slut who doesn't use condoms versus some woman who fucks professionally, okay? That's like you throwing the football around in the backyard saying you're just like Tom Brady, okay? It's not the same thing, but I know you're saying that to make yourself feel better. He said, I fear never being able to have a normal relationship with the woman down the road.

I feel like my internal wiring got crossed somewhere and I need a wide variety of women to keep me sane. I really want to fuck every woman I see, but unfortunately I can cannot swing a golf club, so I got to pay for it anyway out of this. Love the podcast. Yeah, you need to go to therapy. I got to tell you though, once you, once you, I don't know, you need to go seek professional help, sir.

I would, I would, I would say that because you've gone down a road for so long and you keep coming around the track the same way you've worn this grooving and it's very hard to get out of and you have to sit down and want to do the work and you, you have to work with professional and figure out if you have a sex addiction, addiction or whatever one of the Dr. Drew, you know, if he can't afford it, I would call Dr. Drew, but even then he's only going to talk to you for a minute. Have him guide you in the right direction though, because that guy is, is he kind of gets right to it.

I've done a show a couple of times, he's fucking unreal. So that would be my suggestion. I would say at first and foremost, stop fucking prostitutes because you are going to catch something and every, and not only that, every, every one that you bang or have blow you or whatever, it's just another step further down a direction you don't want to go. And also it's a terrible thing to do, you know, to solicit a prostitute. You're basically, you know, something horrible happened to her and then you take an advantage of it.

It's fucking horrific. So there you go. I hope I helped you. I know I gave you a lot of shit throughout that, but I hope I helped you out because that is a serious problem. Okay. New house. Dearest Billy Boy, keeping it short and sweet due to your undying hatred for reading out

loud. I actually don't mind it. I just, I hate sounding stupid. My fiance and I are moving into our first house on Friday. Any last minute advice? Yes. Um, well, it's too late. You already bought a fucking house.

My first thing would be drive less of a car, wear less clothes, everything less and start knocking out the principal. All right. You got to start knocking that fucking thing down. Um, and when they, then once you knock it down to a certain point, then they're going to come at you and be like, Hey, do you want to refinance? You want to refinance? Look your mortgage payment will go from 1500 down to 1200.

That'll save you 300 bucks a month. That's all the fucking scam. Okay. Do you really think there's somebody who works at the bank and his job and he's sitting there going, how can this bank make less money? Oh, I know what, I mean, how long would that guy work there before he gets fired? This scam, because what happens is if you're like four, five years into your mortgage, they're going to refinance it and your payment doesn't go down 300 bucks and you're still

five years in. It starts back at zero. All right. Now you have that payment for 30 years and you're starting all fucking over again. So the 300 bucks that you're saving each month, they're making more in the fucking interest in the long run because they sent you back to square one. It's all the fucking scam. I'm telling you, go to the gated communities and go over the fucking wall.

Don't really do that. All right. I don't want to be held responsible for that. These are all jokes. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. All right. Any other advice? Yeah.

Don't let your fucking lady, let your woman have the fucking dining room. Let her have the fucking living room. All right. But you, you have to stake your fucking claim in there. Don't let her turn it into a fucking dollhouse. The same way she wouldn't want to be living in some fucking, you know, house that looks like a sports bar, you know, and you got some fucking deer head and a keg on tap and all that shit.

You know what I mean? But just like I would say stake your fucking claim in the house and just say, listen, I want this house to be a representative representation of both of us. All right. And if it goes too far one way or the other, I don't think the other person's going to be happy and just say, listen, I don't care what you do with this. I don't care what you do with this room. Just pick yourself a room or two.

Because this sort of unwritten rule is that the guy gets one room and it's the darkest caviest fucking place. It's the basement. It's the fucking garage. And it's bullshit. It's bullshit. Okay. So that's what I would say.

Make sure that when people walk in, they can immediately see that you live there too. That something with a set of balls is actually in that fucking house. All right. And that's it. Good luck with your marriage. Then your new house. Congratulations. Pay down the fucking principal, sir.

Get the shackles off you. All right. Crazy ass mom. Hey, oh, there, Bill. What's up? My name is Hector. I'm from, I'm a full-time college student. My life is fairly well.

I get good grades and shit. Big family, one of seven play refinance with some new pudding. Started back to square one. When was I, when I was little, she was basically trying to steal me from my father and taking all of his money in the process. Hell hath no fury, sir. Also, she used to beat me like a red-headed stepchild. I find that offensive.

All right, you want my advice, don't insult me. All right, Hector. You know what? I almost got childish and made some joke about your chain steering wheel because your name is Hector. But then I realized that that would insult other Mexicans. And I'm not like you, sir. I'm going to take the high road here and just say that I wish you would chosen your words

a little more carefully. All right, and tell me, OK, beat me like a red-headed stepchild. And tell me my dad did not love me, so I would stop asking for him. Wow. Yeah, that's something that parents do during divorce on both sides. They use the kids. I'm so glad that never happened to me. And I got fucked up in other ways.

This fucker left my father with so little money that he had no money to pay the light bill and other shit. My mom's stupid ass brother held a gun up to my father's head and said he would blow his head off because he got my mom pregnant with me. My mother's dad was also an ultra cunt. Yeah, so he was familiar with cunts and he went out and married it. Hopefully, he fucking corrected the problem. Jesus, you give me the whole family tree here, sir.

Since then, she had gotten remarried and then divorced a fucking gen, he says. The problem is, after all that shit, I can't stand to even look at my mom. How do I tell her to basically fuck off? This fucking podcast is the fucking shit. Don't stop, you red-headed maniac. All right, daddy made it up with something positive towards redheads. Thanks for being important. No, yeah, go fuck yourself.

Look, this is very touchy because, you know, as much as you consider your biological mother, your mother, this is your mother. So, I don't know how that works because I've never been in this situation. So, I wouldn't tell your first mother to fuck off. What I would do is I would have... She is your mom, so I would have just a very controlled relationship with her. Like, I would meet her at restaurants. I'd meet her in public and have lunch with her and be like,

okay, I got to get off my week and that way, you know, that way, so when she dies someday, you don't have this regret that, you know, I hated my own mother. What does it mean? And then I would just do happy mom shit with your non-biological mother, you know? Just smile and wave, go through the motions with her, but I don't know. I'd say maybe therapy. Call your mama cunt in therapy rather than to her face because it's not going to get you anywhere.

And as you get older and she gets older, it's just not going to be a good fucking thing. But I totally have empathy for the situation that you're in. I would just treat my biological mother as my real mother and I would have a respectful relationship with my original mother. And when she started talking crazy and everything, just be like, listen, you know, you said that stuff to me when I was a kid. It caused a lot of damage to me and I don't want to hear you trash my dad anymore. I respect how you feel about him, but I don't want to hear about it

because you have to understand that that's my father, all right? And if she has a problem with that, you just go check, please. And there you go. She wants to make a scene and throw some bread around. Then you got to be like, listen, you know, I can't hang out with you. You're crazy. Trashing my dad, you're throwing appetizers around the room, okay? I will have dinner with you again when you can show to me that you can act like an adult

and you just lay the ground rules. This is how it's going to be. You're sitting at restaurants and you're going to behave like an adult and you are not going to trash my father, okay? We're going to sit here. We're going to talk about the weather and what's going on in our lives right now. We're not talking about the past anymore. That's, that's what I need from you.

If you can't give me that, then I'm not going to the Olive Garden. There you go, sir. I hope that works for you. All right. Relationship advice. I'm pregnant. Oh, okay. Hey, Mr. Bill.

This is a 21 year old pregnant girl who lives in shit town, Illinois. I moved here a little over a year ago to be with my boyfriend who I met on match.com. This is your prince. You meet him on match.com. Match.com led you to shit town, Illinois. There's a fucking one for everybody. Do not go on match.com. Those stupid commercials, they show everybody happy.

Everybody playing frisbee. Women jumping into guys arms. You see some 20 year old girl got knocked up by some cunt in fucking shit town, Illinois. I don't think so. Hey, sweetheart, you know what? You're already a great person because you let us know what happens at match.com. Everything was great at first. Then I realized how much I fucking hate this place.

This town is such a cunt and that includes the people in it. I've been telling him that and I'm unhappy for at least six months, but he doesn't seem to care. Oh, so you don't really have a problem with him. Yeah, great. Now I have a slander case with fucking match.com. He said, now I'm pregnant with his child and have the opportunity to move to Arizona to be with my parents. I told him that I'm going to go, but he said that he would absolutely would not follow me there. He said he loves this place because it has a lot of outdoor activities and he loves his job.

This is not his hometown. He makes $9 an hour being a bicycle mechanic. I told him there are bike shops all around the country and he can find another fucking job, especially since he is former military. He doesn't care. He's a stubborn ass. What the fuck do I do? This place has turned me into a depressed bitch and I hate myself for it and I don't want to bring the baby into that kind of a world.

Hopefully you can shed some wisdom on this for me. I don't know. This is a rough one. So you're basically going to move to where you want to live and then he's going to become you. That's what I'm worried about. Do you have some sort of job opportunities in Arizona? Because along with having bike shops all around the country, they also have outdoors. You can go outdoors anywhere in the country.

That's one of the greatest things about the United States. In Russia, they can't go outdoors wherever they go. You get sent to Siberian shit. You are fucking indoors. All right. Getting fucking raped in the ass and all you can feel is somebody's mittens on your hips. Oh, that's one of the fucking most evil jokes I've ever made. All right.

What am I talking about? What do you do, sweetheart? I don't know. The guy is fucking that level of stubborn. Honestly, you know what? You stump me. I know you're fucking punching your fucking iPod right now. Whatever you listen to the song, what would I do if I was a pregnant lady?

Well, here's the question. How do you feel about this guy? Do you love this guy? Is this the guy you're going to marry? If that's the deal, then I don't know. You've got to try and work something out because you guys are together and you've got to do what's best for the kid. But if this guy isn't the guy, then I don't know what to tell you there either. Here's some great advice.

Don't get fucking pregnant by your boyfriend at 21. I mean, I don't know what to tell you here. You really painted yourself into a corner. I think what you have to do is you have to, you've got to man up and make a decision here. You have to make a decision what's best for your baby because now you're in this situation. I know a baby needs a mom and a dad, but if you guys don't really love each other, whether you live in Arizona or you live in Illinois, it's eventually going to fucking blow up. So I would just, at this point you're having a baby, so your needs are out the window.

It's got to be about the kid, which you did mention in there. Well, I guess it took me a second to try to figure this one out. I guess if I was in your situation, I would do what was best for the baby. So whatever that answer is, I would go with that, all right? But I don't think that that's just a one-sided talk. Like you really have to sit down with your boyfriend there and try and together figure out what's best for the kid. And then I would do that. All righty? I hope that helped you out.

All right, this is a long podcast today. Is this the last one? All right, hang in there everybody. Advice for a big presentation. I, Bill, I saw you special on Netflix and I laughed my face off. A few days later, I started a new job at the sort of place where my coworkers don't really speak to each other during work hours. You can hear the wiring, you can hear the whirring of the fan overhead and desk drawers being open and shut. Jesus Christ. So thank Christ for your podcast. What a relief.

Thank you for making my day. All right, I'm presenting at Ted at a Ted X event. Is that like Ted.com where all those eggheads talk about robots and scuba diving in like a wheelchair? And I'm wondering what sort of tips you might have for speaking to large crowds. Try to make them laugh off the top or save it until I'm further into the speech or what? You poke fun about bringing a joke full circle at the end of the set. Is that lame? I do this where whenever I write something, I can't read it once.

It's published because it all sounds so cheesy to me. Oh, if you write it down, you because you're in your head. Okay, I see what you mean. He says like I end up hating what I just put out there. I just want to cringe every time I think about my speech. You know, what do you think? I think you have the classic mentality of the performer. You want to be in front of everybody.

You have self-hatred and you want the crowd to clap and be like, no, but seriously, you're a good guy. I would say this. Just talk to him like you're talking to your buddies in a bar. That's what I would do. If you don't like what you wrote down, what I would do is I would have talking points in front of me. Like I'm starting with this point and then talk off the top of your head. If you're good at this, by the way.

All right. Now, if this is one of your first times doing this, you're going to be a little nervous. It might be good to have something a little more prepared. But if you're good at talking in front of people, I would just have bullet points. You know, like I'm going to talk about how I ended up in a wheelchair. I'm going to talk about how I used to love the ocean. And then I'm going to talk about having all of that taken away from me. And then I'm going to talk about the apparatus and then I'm in the ocean.

Then I'm going to show them the pictures and then I get all teared up. And then I'm going to wheel myself off with one hand while waving. But then I'll be in a circle and then realize that I'm doing a circular waving thing in my chair. And then I'll just sort of back up off the stage. You know, that's just one example. But I think, you know, the good thing is your competition isn't that stiff. There's going to be a bunch of monotone jackasses just sitting there going, back in 1970, the first fuel injecting engine.

You're going to, you know, you're going to have to go on after that. So it might not be that difficult. So that's basically what I would do. All right, people, that's the podcast this week. Thank you for listening. Please, all of you, if you're going to buy something on Amazon.com, if you'd like to donate to this podcast and the Wounded Warriors project, please, for the love of God, go to billbird.com, click on the podcast page,

and then click on the Amazon link. It'll take you right to Amazon. Nothing's going to cost you any more money. It's just Amazon kicks me a little bit of money for sending traffic their way. And then I take 10% of that and I throw it to the Wounded Warriors project. And also, if you'd like to download my special, you people are all the same. You can do it digitally, you know, $5. Or you can buy the hard copy version that has some extras on it, some tours of cities.

And both of those are available on the merch page. That is it. Go fuck yourselves, have a wonderful week, and I'll talk to you next Monday. Okay, buh-bye. May I be no shelter here? May I be no shelter here? May I be no shelter here?