Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-25-19

Episode Date: April 25, 2019

Bill sits down with singer-songwriter and bassist Tal Wilkenfeld.

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How are ya? I am once again, this is like all of a sudden I never have fucking guests. And then all of a sudden they all come out of the woodwork almost at the same time on all musicians. And once again, we have a very special guest, Miss Tal Wilkenfeld. How are you? I'm good. You got a new album coming out. Yep. Right? It just came out on Friday.

I didn't even want to start with that, because I know you fucking been talking about all kinds of music. I had to ask you, because we're over your place right now, how are you liking the Vitamix? I love the Vitamix. Because I got into like, I'm an old man now, I don't know if you can tell. I use a lot of lotion. I might think I'm still in my 20s, but I'm about to turn 51 here in June. And I've started to do like for breakfast, I like to just have like a smoothie. As funny as that sounds, everybody doesn't live in it. It's the fucking greatest thing ever, right? You just drink it, you're full.

Yeah. You know, rather than doing the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast, you feel like a tub of shit, which makes you eat something else bad. So people have been telling me about the Vitamix. And this is where I am in my life right now. I'm like, that was the thing. You have all these amazing instruments and shit, and the thing that stuck out is like, oh, a Vitamix. I wonder if that one mashes up the fucking spinach and kale a little bit better. I have the best recipe too. You do?

Yeah. I got two really good ones that I stand by. What are they? They trade. I got one that I substitute the kale for spinach. Spinach tastes better. All of this is just that. I substitute for dandelion greens, just FYI. You with? I use dandelion greens.

Now, what do you do to sweeten that up so it's not bitter as shit? I use some honey, just a little bit of honey. Just a little bit? Yeah. One time my wife took me to some restaurant. We ended up eating like dandelions, like a dandelion. We were both trying it out like, hey, man, let's be healthy. We both looked at each other. It was one of the worst things I ever tasted. So when you grind that up, what do you have? Almond milk in there too or something?

No, no, no. It's actually a juice, really. It's not like a smoothie. But it's quite thick, which is why it's still cold, a smoothie. But mine has dandelion greens, cilantro, a little bit of black pepper. Oh my God. Some turmeric, ginger, like fresh ginger. Hey, watch what you call me. Wait, you stand by that? It's amazing.

This sounds a little bit of honey. What else do I put in there? Water. There's obviously water. And then I get hungry an hour and a half later. Where do you buy Danny's going in your backyard and yank him out of the fucking grass? Where do you get your dandelion? Any health foods store?

Health foods? I've never, I gotta be honest with you. I've been to a few of those little health food places. I've never, I've never seen that. I've never seen that, but all right. Mine is just simple. It's almond milk with some almonds. Just in case there's not enough almond in there.

Then some spinach. What the fuck? There's a banana, a little bit of ice. I know I'm forgetting something. Is there cinnamon in there? What about blueberries? Do you ever use blueberries? No, I got to get a couple of go-ins.

Because I basically have two go-to smoothies and I'm getting sick of them. And then I have like this Greek yogurt parfait. And I just sort of rotate that on a 3th. And I've just, I've had it, you know? Like when you've been jamming with people too long, you're like, we need some new blood or something. That's where I am. That's what I'm trying to steer it back to the music here.

So let's at least say the name of your incredible album that I only heard three tracks of, because I couldn't figure out how to download it. For those of you not familiar with Tal, she's basically played with everybody. And I promised her I wasn't going to bring up all the past. Like, hey man, what was it like playing with this person? But she's, you know, IMDb or she's played with literally everybody.

And you've basically been known as this monster bass player that can just play with anybody. And your hidden talent of an unbelievable singing voice is finally displayed. Like that's what killed me when I listened. You just played those three tracks for me. Aside from, of course, how upfront, you know, the bass is and all the mix which I'm loving.

Yeah, I had no idea you could sing like that. I kind of, I've kept it quiet for a while. Like I started as a singer-songwriter when I first picked up guitar. And then sort of started focusing just on guitar when I moved to America. Because I left home when I was 16. And I moved to America and I went to this music school for a little while. And I went from like only being... I hope you went to a nice place.

All this crap about the Michael Jackson documentary, which I refuse to fucking watch. Why would you do that? Why would you put all those horrible stories in your head? It's like, I get it. Alright, the guy was a creep and now he's dead, so... What are we doing? I guess you got a list.

Somebody's going, someone was telling me going, well, you have to watch it. So then you was a parent. It's like, I'm not going to let some fucking guy sleep with my kid behind nine doors. Anyway, so you got this album coming out. So I went to this school and I went from being allowed to play like half an hour a day to wanting to practice for like six hours a day. Was that torture for you, considering the way you took...

I remember you here, I watched that interview. You said the first time you actually played a chord, you got emotional, you cried. So you love something that much. And then all of a sudden you go into school in Australia. So they would teach you about Columbus and all the great stuff that happened here in America, of course, right? Whatever it was. How you guys, you got dropped off by the English.

Is that what happened? Something like that. We're a bunch of convicts, apparently. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So then all of a sudden, was that torture for you in school? It was hard because academia was the focus, especially with who I grew up with. My mom just really wanted me to do all my schoolwork and stuff.

I mean, she's probably just being a responsible parent, but I just was not into geography and history. I was into art. So did you ever just pick up the bass and be like, mom, listen to this. Listen to this, and then look at my grades in math, and you tell me which direction I'm supposed to go in. I was a guitarist at that point. I only switched to bass when I was 17,

and I already moved to America at that point. But yeah, I mean, she helped me play. I think that the music business is a tough place. And she probably just thought, maybe that's not the best thing for you to do, to be in the music industry. It's so uncertain. But I wasn't going to listen to what anyone was going to say. I knew that I had to be a musician,

and I didn't care if I was going to be homeless and be a musician. I knew that that's what I had to do. I never wonder how many musicians are out there, because that story is like you had that inner drive. And I always wondered how many Jimi Hendrix are working at Home Depot because their parents or something, they just didn't have that thing to be like, no, no, no, fuck that, I'm doing it. Went really important people that basically taught you how to walk and talk

and all of that stuff, start telling you you shouldn't go in that direction. Was that something that developed? Was it the love that you had when you started playing guitar, like no, I literally have to do this, or do you feel you always had that drive? Well, I actually think as a kid, especially as a teenager, if your parents tell you not to do something,

you're going to want to do it more, like 99% of teenagers. I dread those days. So it probably worked out in the right way that she didn't really want me to focus on music, because that just made me want to do it more. I wouldn't even say I was necessarily rebellious, but if you want something that bad and someone's telling you no, you're like, well, I'll prove to you that I really deserve this

and I'm going to work my ass off, and I did. I was so focused. My rebellion as a teenager was to succeed as a musician. It wasn't like to go off and do drugs or whatever else. That was my rebellion, was success. I was looking at schools to see which one to put my daughter in. All the public schools are shit out here, I guess, so you've got to send her to private school

and spend a zillion dollars by the time they're like eight. It's so fucking stupid. So he went to this one, and it was like a French-speaking one. So all the kids was amazing. The kids were super smart. It was a great school. But the lady, given the tour, she goes, the hell did she say?

I asked her. I said, hey, did the parents kind of learn French along the way? She's like, no, we encourage you to speak the perfect English at home and blah, blah. I said, well, what if I want to learn it too? And she looked at me and she goes, yes, it's too late for you. I was just like, god damn. I actually respected it.

But you know what? I'm so happy she said that to me, because now I got this thing. Like, all right, I'll show you. Yeah. And I got flashcards. I ordered flashcards, and I'm like looking at them, trying to put together phrases and stuff. Listen, the back of my head, I know she's probably right.

And I love the school. And I'm actually excited that the potential to go there. But I do relate to that as far as when somebody says that. But there was a period in my life where I wasn't that guy. Oh, yeah. Like if somebody said that to me, I'd be like, oh, OK, forget it. Oh, really? So yeah.

I think I've probably had that since I was really young, like just determination to do whatever I want to do. Because I remember being super focused on running before I was a guitar player. And I was obsessed with long distance running. Like, and in my head, I'm like, I have to be the best. I have to be the best runner. Gold for Australia. And there was this one girl that was better than me.

And it pissed me off so much. And I remember like, there was this one race that was, I don't know, it was like a 10 mile race. It was really long. And I just had to beat this girl. And I did beat the girl. You did. But I did this like celebratory dance afterwards,

because I was so excited and I threw my back out. Oh, no. Yeah. So then I kind of was like hobbling around for a little while and couldn't run like a couple of weeks. And then that's actually when I walked past that guitar and started playing guitar. Is that right?

Wow. Did she get mad when you did that dance? I mean, I don't think she saw it. She was that far behind me. Wow. That's like a feel good movie, except they always run credits before you blow out your back. Then you became like a musician.

So, you know, the few tracks that I heard in the three, the three that I listened to was definitely, you know, this is really like a very personal album as far as like, you know, talking about yourself. That one you just played, what was the name? The Haunted Heart? Haunted Love. Haunted Love.

The one that's just the bass and voice with the orchestra. Yeah. Yeah. That was some pretty heavy lyrics that made me start thinking about my parents. I went on a little trip there when I was, yeah, yeah, thinking about my whole life. And I, for people listening here,

I can't recommend like the level of quality of the music that you've done with other people. And now to actually hear, hey, these are my ideas with your voice on top of it. The second I heard a few of these, I was like, oh, this is one of these albums. I'm just going to put in, back in the day when you had a CD, just stick it in there until the thing just started skipping

on you. You mean how your iTunes is skipping on you right now? You're like at 30 seconds. I know. I am the worst. I'm the worst. People are like, oh, you can download it. You got Spotify.

I don't have Spotify. I'm this idiot who, I still buy music and then it fills up your computer. And then, because right now I need a new, I need a new laptop. I need a new phone. And I need an iPad. The whole thing is shit in the bed on me at the same time. And yeah, I miss, can I buy it on vinyl?

Yeah. I have a record player. You can. Yes. I'll even give it to you on vinyl. They don't need to do that. You're actually going to be on a big new extradition tour compared to last week's The Newell.

You're going to be a big headlining tour as well. Right, and you're going to be doing the burrito here from coming over, so I'll throw some money towards that. But what was I going to say? So you also mentioned that you're actually going to be doing a whole tour on this thing too, huh? Yeah. Now, are you headlining tour?

You open it. Yeah, headlining, headlining. Nice. I'm excited. Nice. I'm going to Boston. It's just your first big headlining tour because you've always been like the hired gun.

And we played the Boston Garden and some really cool, is it called the Boston Garden? They called the TD Bank North Star. TD Garden. How'd you like that? That was fun. Didn't you do that recently? Yeah, I did some stand-up there.

I did jam before with my brothers. That's so cool. Yeah, we definitely had, you know, it's so funny. No one was paying attention at all. We were playing or whatever. They thought it was kind of funny that we were doing it. And there's this comedian, Jim Brewer, who does this amazing bit on Slayer fans,

like how dedicated and crazy they are. Well, we actually played, I forget what song we played, we played a Slayer song. And literally, it was like no one was reacting to anything we were doing. We sucked, right? The second we started playing Slayer, some fucking security guide,

like, you know, halfway up the ring, he just goes, Slayer! That was hilarious. So, now, your style of music, like going, no, you're going to ask me something. No, I was going to say like, like, what does playing before a stand-up set do for you? It makes the venue not as intimidating.

I've only done it like, Why? Because, you know, stand-up in a place that big doesn't make sense. You're like, you know, I had all these feelings of like, why am I, like, how did I get here?

What am I doing here? What the fuck do I have to say that justifies all these people showing up? You know, the normal, if you're any sort of like, human being, that's what you have. If you're a psychopath, you're just like,

How come I'm not playing the football stadium or whatever? You know, I was playing the Roman Coliseum. But, yeah, I was sitting there, and that's what was going through my head. But the first time I ever did one, I did for the New York Comedy Festival, and I did Madison Square Garden, and we got together and jammed in there.

And I just did that because I love Led Zeppelin, and they did song remains the same. I could just play some drums there and make a little bit of noise, and what happened was we were having so much fun, and I invited so many people down there. You know, I didn't ever fully forget where I was. But next thing you know, you know, I was yelling,

Hey Josh, how does that Mollie Crew thing? You just yell in and you just kind of made it yours. So, that night, it just didn't, it didn't feel, I was able to kind of just like, I had already made a bunch of noise in there, and nothing bad happened, you know? The roof didn't collapse. So, I think that that's kind of like what it did for me.

Although, I fucked up at the forum because I played it like three hours, I almost fucked up because I was just like, I got off stage and I was like wiped out. I was just like, oh no, oh no. But then like the adrenaline is like, oh my God, what if I bomb in from all these fucking people? You know, that'll get you through a good 90 minutes.

But why do you not like play on stage for your audience? Because I respect them. You're a great drummer. I don't know why you say that. I'm good for a comedian. I'll give you that, but I am not a, because you know what, I like, like one of my favorite things to do is to watch a pro play.

Because it's just, you know, when they're just doing like a sound check a lot of times, they'll be physically playing something that I could play, but I could never make it sound like that. And there's always like a person, you know, if you listen to a really good drummer, you can hear like, you can hear them in the playing, which, you know, took me a while to be able to hear that.

But now I'm able to do, and I've seen, I don't know, there's just something cool about it. It's like watching a professional hockey player, like taping up their stick. There's just something, when you see a pro doing something, it's, and you're into it, especially if it's your hobby, it's fucking mesmerizing. So that's, that's why when a few times I've come over here,

like I'm always in there because I like sitting back and just watching all of you guys play. And my favorite thing about watching a live band is watching a band that doesn't play the same way every night. And even if you've never seen the band, you can tell because they're like looking at each other and everything. So that's when I get into like, oh man,

they're in the moment right now. This is like watching a comic riff, and somebody's going to do something, make somebody smile, and then they add something else. And I, and just as an audience member and a fan of music trying to pick up, like that thing going on. And like my, in turn, like I'm,

the bands I listen to growing up, like I remember Stevie Ray Vaughan, whenever he was playing a solo, it was like Chris Layton and Tommy Shannon and Reese were always looking right at him. Like, is he going to go back in again? Oh, we go, we're going back to, you know, him singing. And he just would fucking be wailing.

And he had this little thing. He just looked at him. He just gave him a little nod and how they all were like, okay. And they wouldn't fuck that up. Just having attempted to, you know, get together with friends and play and everything. I just, I have such an admiration for it.

So I, I mean, that's how I feel about comedy and great comedy. And that's why I like watching you perform. Oh yeah. When I do a great shit joke and I, I nod over to somebody who just did a dick joke. Yeah, man. It's amazing.

It's right on the same level. No, but like, because I just started, as you know, like getting really heavily into comedy the past like year or so. Yeah. And like the reason it appeals to me so much is because it like speaks to both parts of me as a musician. There's the, uh, the jazz musician in me,

which is like the improvisational musician, which like, like really enjoys watching you riff like, and just, and then there's like, slash bomb. And then there's like the composer, like the, the person that's like, you know, into writing songs and like, and then watching you create this amazing material.

It's, it's very satisfying. Is that a requirement for people in your band? Cause I mean, like when you go and do this tour, I just know doing the same jokes over and over and over again. It's like you have to like do something to break out of it. Do you, um, on this tour? I mean, you're selling the album. You got to go out and, and, and, you know,

play it and sell the music to them. Like how, uh, how much like messing around do you do? I do, I do a lot and then is a requirement. And that's why it's been really tricky to find band members. And I have found like the perfect, um, guitarist and drummer to play with me because. You know, my music is, uh, compositionally, um, like lyrically, for instance,

very influenced by folk music or just songwriter music. But then musically it's, um, it's influenced from anything from rock to folk to jazz to whatever, it just goes all over the place. That's what I was loving, but there's, there's some sort of through line. Maybe it's you. I don't know what it is on them.

Cause I was just listening to it and sound is so great. And then I really started listening to the mix of it. I'm like, wow, she's the whole bottom end of this song. And then it felt, I don't know how to say it technically, but I felt like the guitars and keys were like up here. Yeah. And, but you were the sort of the meat and potatoes of the whole thing, driving the whole song,

but like the, uh, the different tones and stuff. Um, there was one, I'm, I'm the worst. I don't know the names of the cornerpainter. The first one. Yeah. And then you go back to that bridge. It was all, it was out. So what the sections call that middle section is just like,

what the fuck is that? And then you go right back to that part that really rocks. That's why I looked at you. I was just like, that's when the crowd's going to go nuts. Cause you taking them on this ride where you're coming out and you're just, you know, blowing their wig back in the beginning. And then it goes to this other place.

It's like, well, what the fuck is this? This is this mood thing. Well, that's where it's like, Hey, if people start taking their drugs in the crowd, I would feel. And look at, I went, I went, that's what you'll be doing. Oh, that's, I grew up going to heavy metal concerts.

Somebody's like sparked up a fucking J as we used to say. And then all of a sudden, like, I don't know where you just punch him in the face again. And then the fucking song is over. It's just like, yeah. I think that the cohesiveness on the record comes from like having the same band play all of these songs, even though they're, they're very different.

Like some are, you know, just vocal and bass and some are acoustic guitar and, and very little behind me. There's like these full rockers, but it's the same band. And I just think that that's really important. Like for how long does it take you to put that together? Well, it took me a few years to sort of search for the sound of the record and like figure out who was going to play on it and who, who, like what was the, the, the best sound for these songs.

And then I finally went into the studio with Blake Mills and Jeremy Mills, Stacy, and we cut corner painter, which is the first song I played units, the first song on the record. And that when I heard that back on the speakers, and this was no bass. It was just, I was playing acoustic baritone guitar. Blake was playing guitar and Jeremy was playing drums. And the sound was so full.

I didn't even want to play bass on it. There's no bass on that song at all. I just played it on an organ and then Bermont Tench overdubbed organ as well, like a pump organ. But I heard that song. I was like, this is the Lynch pin for the record. And so then I went home and I like wrote a bunch of other songs that I felt would fit with that vibe or compliment it.

And, and then once I'd done that, we went back in the studio for, it was like anywhere from like eight to 10 days and cut the whole thing at once. And so I think that that's part of the, the cohesiveness is that we just, we cut it all together. Hey, when you put together a band, if you ever had been like, okay, I know these two people are right. And then a third person comes in and so takes it into another

direction. You got to fire one of those other two people. They just, but the other, cause the other person's such a beast. I mean, it's all, it's all about. Notice how I pointed at the drums when I said that. No, it's, it's all about chemistry. It's like casting for a movie too. Like sometimes it's the most important thing is the casting.

All right. How do you like LA by the way? Do you miss Australia? I don't miss Australia. Um, some of my best friends are there. I definitely miss them, you know, but, and I miss the beach. I don't really think that the beach in LA is that cool. No, I get me.

I'm terrified of the ocean and, but every time I go to Australia, it's like, I, if I was ever, you know, there's a place to get eaten by a shark. It is definitely the coast of your country. It's so beautiful. You'd be at least, at least I was, you know, at least you'd die beautifully. Yeah.

No, I remember it was, we were there and like, uh, I don't know when we were. It was your, your weird winter down there, which is just a different time. And it was too, it was too cold and windy. Um, it's not weird. It's just weird to me cause I'm in the Northern hemisphere, but so we were down there and I was expecting it to be fucking

hot and all of a sudden it was like freezing. And, uh, but even then I was looking at it and I was like, if it wasn't so rough and it wasn't so cold, I think I would maybe, I did actually go into the water when I was in Perth because I just wanted to say that I stood in the Indian Ocean. I literally went up to my ankles and then I got back in and then I got in the car and I was listening to the radio and

there was a helicopter following in like an 18 foot tiger shark along the beach just to let the surfers and everybody know that the thing was there. And you guys had the creepiest terminology ever for when someone gets eaten by a shark. You say he was taken. That's what I heard. Oh yeah.

It was something blah, blah. He got taken. I'm like, oh my God. I'd rather been eaten than taken. Eating to me is, it's over. I mean, it's fucking horrific. And then I, you bleed out and it's over taken means I, you took me somewhere.

I just started taking a chainsaw massacre when that fucking guy just grabbed that woman and yanked her and slammed the door. Taken almost sounds slightly more polite though. No. Taken. No. Well, I guess what the next word is taken to the movies. Right.

Exactly. Taken to the fucking. I've been taken to the movies by some sharks. Oh yeah. I was going to say, you know, it seems, you know what I liked? There's fair play on this album. Yeah. As far as there was a few where it was the other person and

there was a few that was you. Right. So that's a, that's a, that's an important milestone in your life when you, at least for me, it was when I was able to be like, all right, you know, I was going through that, dude, chicks are fucking psychos. You know, I did that till I was about 35 and I was just like, all right, Phil.

You know, at what point are you going to fucking, is it maybe you, maybe who you're picking, maybe what you're bringing to the table. And then once I was able to do that, I finally ended up meeting Nia. That's kind of why I called the album love remains because love remains as in the remnants of love, like the aftermath of, of a love gone bad or love remains.

Like love still exists through it all. Oh, I thought you meant there was still pieces of other relationships in you. It's, it's both. It's like the remnants and then love still, you know, continues. There's always love. Well, this is theory among my guy friends that women are able to cry it out because you're allowed to cry that you're able

to get past shit. And then it's just like fucking gone where guys like hang on to shit. I mean, I was reading this book on Bob Coosie. He's one of the great Celtics and Bill Russell, right? One of the greatest players of all time. And Bob Coosie's wife passed away and he still has a picture on the wall and he still talks to her.

I guess they didn't break up. So maybe it was that. But like, you know, I still always joke with my wife going, you know, if I died within three weeks, she'd have all my clothes down at Goodwill. You keep maybe a DVD in the back of a fucking closet, which she's like, no, I would never do that. But I just feel like women are better at either how you're

wired. And then I also think it's more it's one of the great emotions crying when the great healing emotions is not acceptable for guys. And you just shut it off. So not only do you not get to heal, you actually make yourself, I think, worse by fucking holding it in. It's bad enough.

You know, I don't know. It's a really weird thing. So that's that's actually, I don't, I don't know what the word is, but to hear you say that, that you actually, some of it stays in there. I don't know. That makes me feel not as fucked up. Well, also, like I feel like when, when you're in love or when

you love someone like it, people often like project it outwards as if it's the other person that's making you in love. Whereas like love is actually just always in you. And that that person is maybe igniting it or showing you that it's there, but it is always there. And knowing that keeps me centered. Yeah. It's it's it's that's not something that you can.

It's hard to remember that. You know, I would, I would say, I don't know. I'm actually literally getting uncomfortable just even talking about it helps. I was walled off for a long fucking time. And then I had like this massive amount of love in me. And it would just come out in these weird ways, like about like, like animals being abused or any sort of person being hurt.

I could feel it. But like if I was just with somebody going to the movies, like I didn't even know what the fuck to do. I'd just be sitting there like this fucking robot. Like, did you enjoy that? Now we're getting on the subway. And it was just like, and I was meeting people. I just, oh, I don't know.

I'm embarrassed at where the kind of person I was back in the day as far as like trying to get through stuff like that. But how did you break through that? I met somebody I couldn't break up with. I would in my head fantasize during tough times of breaking up with my now wife. And in my head, we were living in this place where there was there was first place was in elevating the place had stairs.

And when she was going to get on the elevator, even in the fantasy of being single again before the door closed, I would run out and go get her or when she would walk down the stairs and I come back and I couldn't even and for years I did that. And it never dawned on me. Like I've always been so fucking like not in touch with like, hey, Bill, you know, this is the 20,000 fucking signal. Like I used to write around, I had a paper route back in the day

and I used to write around in the morning and I had memorized comedy routines of my favorite comedians and I would fantasize that I was doing them in front of the school and it didn't dawn on me at that point. Hey, Bill, maybe you want to be a comedian. It didn't. It was just I had no connection to it whatsoever. It was just me.

I think at that point it was all about, you know, getting people to like me. So I wouldn't get the shit kicked out of me or I wouldn't have to deal with some, you know, you know, it was it was before all this caring on social media is just like the whole every day at school is just like, am I going to get it today? Or how can I get it off of me and get it onto the next week as kid? It was a very weird, I don't know, some of it was good, but a lot of it wasn't necessarily probably the way kids should grow up.

Now we're probably like overly doing it. I don't know. You don't make me feel good when you came when I came into your place here and you were like, oh, there's my phone. I lose my phone all the time. Oh my gosh. You have massive ADD. I also unfortunately get phone anxiety, which I hate.

Oh, you don't have it, right? Yeah. If I don't have it, I start to like feel like, oh shit, where's the phone? Or like if I don't look at it for too long, I start to feel that. And so I have to work really hard at like disciplining myself so that I can like keep it away from me for a certain amount of hours to be like creative and productive. Because it's just like, I feel so sorry for like, for kids that are like

teenagers right now. Like they're just like so attached to their phones. And I see what it does to my brain. Teenager, I am. That was brutal. Yeah. No, it like gives you the shortest attention span. It like everything's just immediate.

And so I'm just so glad that like it kind of came a little bit later. Well, you realize we're like lab rats because we're like sort of the first wave of like, well, let's see what this does to people. I actually saw, you know, I went and I got gas today and I saw this after the burrito. No, that's going to be later. That's why this podcast will not be a full hour. Whatever.

You'll know what's hitting me. What the fuck is on the microphone? Is that a hair? It's going to drive me nuts. Piece of fuzz. So I went up to it. It's still there. See, this is the podcast people are used to get them.

So I pulled up to get, I was getting pumping gas and, you know, this LA couple pulls up LA meaning beautiful. I'm not judging them like their assholes. They're fucking beautiful. Right. So they pull up and the guy gets out to pump the gas. The woman's driving the second she barely pressed park, you know, the immediately the phone and was just sitting there and I was watching her

and I was just like, that's me. That is literally me. I do that when I'm driving like a lot. It's everyone. Yeah. I called a friend up one time. This was maybe about three months ago when I was trying to do like an intense period of writing.

And I said, Hey, could you just cause I'm, you know, it takes like, I think apparently 28 days to break a habit. I was like, could you come over for, you know, 28 days? Apparently. I was like, can I give you my phone and then just go away and then I'll meet you back here. And I did that for a few days and it actually like helped me like reprogram myself.

Yeah. And like once you do that, then it's like, ah, you feel like you can finally relax. It's weird. This is something that I learned going overseas and I can't get texts from anybody. This is what happens if you don't text anybody, nobody texts you. Like I would come back thinking, Oh my God, I haven't checked my text messages

in 10 days. I'm going to have five million fucking texts and I had like maybe six, seven. Yeah. I don't want to my loser. Nobody like it's like, I don't text people. No, I come back to a zillion of them. Now I feel like an asshole.

No, I came back and it's just like you, it's, it's like, you know, like once you want something in your life not to happen and you don't realize how much of it you're creating. Yeah. Okay. Well, so much of the phone shit. I realize I am creating all of the texting that I'm doing. Like I'm in traffic.

Traffic sucks. I just start calling people. Right. I'm just like, Hey man, what's going on? I'm stuck on the phone. Like I literally have a friend of mine that we like we are friendship because she's married with kids and I'm married and have a kid. And it's just like our whole relationship.

I don't think I've seen her in a year and a half. Our whole relationship that we have the deal, the unwritten deal is that we call each other when we're stuck in traffic. Yeah. And the big joke is, Hey, I'm on the 134. Hey, I'm on the 101. Yeah. And then that's in or the other person picks up.

All right. Where are you? How long a drive do you have? And it's just like you're sort of almost like a suicide hotline. I get talking them to get home. I do like all of my phone calls in the car too, or really, really late at night. Like while I'm getting ready for bed, like, like my friends in Australia just know that I'm going to call like three a.m.

My time like face timing them while I'm like brushing my teeth and shit. And now it's like a ritual like, Oh, we ready for teeth brushing time. And what is it? Like seven the next day there, right? Seven at night, 14 hours or even slightly. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah.

Around about then it's great. I was in Australia at that time when I'm getting ready for bed. Like I don't have much time. What was the last time you heard some music that that made you like whenever I listen to like amazing music, I always fantasize that it's me doing it. Oh yeah. Yeah, I do that. No, run all the way through the song.

If the drums are awesome, I'm playing drums. Someone's singing great. Then all of a sudden I'm doing that. I'm very self involved. When was the last time you as a musician listened to something and you were just like, Ah, fuck, I wish that was me. Does that happen? No, it doesn't happen.

But strike two with the texting and now the fantasy, the fantasizing. I don't do that. But I listen and admire a lot of people. Who'd you listen to coming up? I didn't want to ask you any of these questions. I know you've been asked this. Fuck, I listened to Miles Davis. And then of course there was the Bee Gees jazz disco.

I just, you know what I'm really obsessed with is, is Indian classical music. Do you remember that time we were like driving back from one of your shows and I played you some Indian Indian classical music? I played a Bob Dylan song to you, which you really didn't like, or you were making fun of, but Bob Dylan is like one of my favorites of all time. I love Bob Dylan. Okay. But like you were like joking around, like changing the lyrics and stuff.

I was just being an ass. I was being just to comedians. We do that all the time. But you made me laugh so much. Okay. And then I played you an Indian classical piece, but maybe you don't remember that. No, I remember you played me that blues song. Yeah.

That was Blind Willie Johnson. Yes. Also one of my faves. Yes. Okay. Yeah. That I remember. Yeah.

I love old blues. Like it's so raw and real. Right. And I also like, like cause if you, you'll notice like on my album, like I switch in and out of like time signatures a lot and, but it doesn't sound like I'm switching time signatures. At least that's what I've been told. But I, I was, I didn't really notice that.

But that's what I'm saying. Like because I kind of, I let the music, like the melody or the story guide the time as opposed to like the other way around. Like sometimes people will write the music first and then that lay the melody and stuff on top. Oh, I saw an interview with somebody said that said, every time I come on with a riff, it's in a weird time signature. And then the drummer fixes it.

And I remember thinking like, you should have fucking kept it. Right. In that. I know what I'm just saying. That's, that's what I, that's what I would think. Yeah. I was joking around like with, with Bob Weir because like basically he played with light in Hopkins.

Bob Weir. Yeah. Grateful dead. Right. Yeah. Now he played with lightning Hopkins is one of my favorite like blues players. And I know when he started, like those guys were all like in their 40s. Right.

The blues guys. And he was joking around like saying that like lightning played like the 12 and a half bar blues because, you know, if he has to add a beat to finish the story, he's telling that he's going to add a beat. Like it's not about like just this rigid thing. And like I was, I've been composing like that too. Like if the melody wants to go on a few beats longer or, you know, then make it a bar of seven, like, and it will feel natural if, if it goes with the melody.

But if you try to fit a melody over the top of a time signature, then sometimes it can feel a little bit more choppy. Yeah. I get that. Yeah. Because then it's because to the lay person, they're not listening what time it's in. No, they're just following the melody and the story. And it's the same with like all that old folk music too.

Like you listen to some of that old folk, like you hear like bars of five and seven because they're just adding beats to like finish the phrase. I know. I never noticed. And that's sometimes why like, you know, there won't be drums on it. Like if there was drums, it probably would sound kind of strange, but it's just like an acoustic guitar and a voice. Like that song I played for you, that Bob Dylan song, it's called It's a Right Mama

and He Blading. Like there's some bars of like five and shit in there that he just like adds some beats and you wouldn't, you wouldn't know it. But if you counted it, it's odd because he's just trying to fit the lyric in. Oh. Yeah. It's genius. I love it.

You're so talented in that area. Like when, when did, when do you notice that shit? Like I would just be like, I'm just psyched if I listen to a song, I know all the words. I wouldn't be like, oh, that was just in seven. When I first like moved to America and I was playing guitar, I, and I was like starting to play like six hours a day and I like gave myself a tendonitis and I had to stop playing for a minute. And then I started like, like messing around like with drums with one hand or like bass

with one hand. And people started coming up to me being like, yeah, mini Vinny, mini Vinny. I'm like, what the fuck is mini Vinny? Like, you know, Vinny Coliuda. Okay. Okay. So I went and like listened to Vinny Coliuda. This was me at, I guess, like 17 now.

And, and everyone was passing around tapes of Vinny Coliuda, like all like the stuff with charisma and just a bunch of other stuff. And, and actually Vinny was then one of the first people I met when, when I moved to America because he came to my school and I'd been playing for two and a half months at the same time. And like one of the, the, these drum clinicians was friends with him. Wait a minute. You don't even play in two and a half months and somebody told you to move to.

No bass, bass, because I've been playing guitar for a couple years. Okay, okay. Yeah. Yeah. What was that like? And he was like, oh, we should play sometime. I said, yeah. And I was so shy, like, because I'd listened to all this stuff.

And obviously he's, he's one of the best in the world. And I was, but I kept it in my head. I'm like, okay, okay. I moved to New York and I'm like, I just want to be a jazz musician. I want to like play in clubs like five times a night and like Charlie Parker and Monk and all the guys did. And, and I did that for a few years. And then that's when I like, I played with the almond brothers and like made a record.

You played with the almond brothers. That was my first gig when I was a teenager. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah. Like that's where it all started. And then I came back to LA and I like played Vinny this stuff with the almond brothers and my, my solo project.

And, and then the weeks later he got the call from Jeff Beck that like, or Jeff Beck's management that they needed a bass player. And then he, he told them about me and then they called me and they asked me to send in tapes. I sent in the tapes. And the next thing I knew I was flying to England to audition for Jeff. So, and then everything like, you know, Prince and her. How old are you? I think I was 21 when I started playing with Jeff.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. That's the first time I saw you was on that live at Ronnie Scott's, which I've still never been in there. The couple of times I've gone to London, I received it's always like packed. I'm like, oh, I fucking want to go in there and just have a drink and actually listen to some music for like two seconds. That's the first time I saw you.

So were you nervous when you went into the audition? Well, I was food poisoned. I just got enough a plane like where me and Vinny went to the airport and I ate some barbecue chicken pizza and I got on the plane and Vinny is like raving on about politics because he's obsessed with politics. And I'm like, Vinny, I'm feeling kind of sick. And he's like, yeah, yeah. So then this happened.

I mean, he kind of reminds me of you and you remind me of him. I think he was from, he's from like Pennsylvania. Oh, is he? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pittsburgh. Yeah. He was a Pittsburgh guy.

Oh, but he went to Berkeley. That's why. I knew there was some sort of Massachusetts connection there. Right, right. Yeah. But anyway, he's going on about politics. And then meanwhile, I just like throw up in a bag and I'm like, there it is. He's like, there what is?

I'm like, I'll see you in 10 hours. And I was so sick that like then I had to like get rushed to the hospital when we landed and like be on a drip. And then the next day I auditioned for Jeff. And so I was feeling really weird. Talk about the worst fucking place to get food poisoning. Oh my God. But the audition went well because at that point I was so like woozy that I was just

like, okay, let's get through this. Yeah. And then that was the point where like Jeff pointed to me and said solo on cause we've ended as lovers. And like he ended up loving that so much that he like kept it in the set. And that's how he was like featuring me every night. Oh, wow. Which is so like cool of him considering who he is and all of that stuff to like, I love

when people do stuff like that. There's a lot of comedians that I, you know, that I'm a fan of, but what really makes me, you know, over the top is when I see them like encouraging and helping out, you know, comics that are coming up cause I hate that fucking thing of, you know, that behavior. People get to a certain level and then they start treating, you know, I'm here and you're there. It's all stupid. It's just like, you know,

You're great like that, like the way that you kind of mentor younger comedians. I mean, I try not to be in it. I mean, I remember most people were nice, but I definitely remember the people who weren't not necessarily the names, but I just remember how that made me feel. So it's, it's sort of the same thing to with being like a parent and stuff. I remember the good days at school and I remember the bad days. I remember how much fun it was playing with the other kids at school. And then I also remember how bad it was if, you know, you wore the wrong shirt or whatever.

And it was just, it was just your day to take the pounding and just like how you could just literally begin. And that was literally like your world. And that's something that I'm hoping I'm going to be able to remember, which I think I will as my kids going through school, as far as knowing that though, I mean, those days, I mean, who the hell knows with all the fucking cameras out there. I don't know if anything, my buddy was just telling me, you know, some key told this story where there was some kid, everybody picked on that day.

And then the kids who picked on them, they found out who all of them were and they had to go see the fucking psychologist and shit. And I was really thinking about that. I was just like, wow, man, like nobody like, there was none of that at all. Like the guidance council was just some weirdo down the hall. And he would just, he just would talk to, he would only really talk to kids who had no hope of going to college. Right.

And he'd just be down there like, well, hey man, you know, like maybe you get into construction, you know? I mean, I never even talked to him. I just, I don't know what he talked to him about. Maybe their home lives and shit. Maybe it was like a therapy thing, but like only the fucked up kids got guidance. Right. It was weird.

Everybody else was just like, all right, you're following the cattle right over the fucking cliff, go to school, two years of language, get into college, pick a major. Decide what the fuck you want to do at 18. And then it, yeah, it was one of those things. And I remember when I was 15, there was like this like woman that came to the school that was supposedly like a career counselor. And she came with this huge book that looked like yellow pages or something. Right.

And everyone had to have an appointment and you'd go in and she'd be like, okay, so now what do you want to do? And like someone would be like, I want to be a doctor. Get the fuck out of here. Open up the book and she looked under doctor. And so I walked in and she's like, so what do you want to do? I'm like, I want to be a musician. And she's like, sorry, there's no musician here.

What else would you like to do? I just walked out. Oh, you walked out? What did she do? I don't know. That was it. I would have been, yeah, I would have had like an epiphany being like, wow, I mean, how many of these fucking kids wanted to do something that's not in this book?

Right. Yeah. I'm like, there's no way that was her dream in life to have a yellow book and talk to people half your age. What do you want to do? I want to be a zookeeper. All right, let's get to disease. All right.

Do you have any khaki shorts? So you literally have somebody who didn't follow a dream talking you out of yours and you had the strength to fucking walk away from that. That's very, very commendable. So those are the moments in life then haunt me that I think back into my life when somebody said something negative and thank God, you know, I didn't latch onto it totally in somebody else's life. Because I have like, there's like three moments in my life, you know, like climbing up a fucking

cliff that if I went to go this way, I would have fell back down and just the luck of it sometimes when I think of it like, God, what if I didn't meet this person? You know, and I mean, I worked with this guy in a warehouse and I finally found something that was in the comedy the way I was. And he understood that you could become it. You know what I mean? Like he was going like, dude, these guys on TV and not funny man. One of these days I'm going to take a shot at Jack Daniels and just go on stage and do

it. And all of a sudden, like, because it just, you know, it was on TV that was like a million miles away. No fucking internet or anything. And we had nobody had video cameras, nothing. So it just seemed impossible. It was so impossible. It didn't even seem impossible.

I didn't even enter my brain be like fucking going in the moon. And all of a sudden he was just next to me going, I'm going to fucking do it. And I was just thinking like, well, shit, if he can try it, I'm going to try it. So if I don't run into him, and if he doesn't have the balls to say I'm going to try it, then I'm just fucking hanging out with other knuckleheads like me drinking. Then, then all of a sudden I'm 30 and where the fuck am I, you know? So. But do you believe like in like a destiny?

Like do you believe that if that wouldn't have happened, something else would have happened? Or do you believe like it was? I don't believe in destiny because of tragedy. Right. I don't think that anybody's destiny is there the, hey, thank God you're not this person. I just think you get lucky. You get lucky. It's like a half court shot.

I would say in a lot of weight. Well, maybe it's not that it's, it's. Do you think it's like partly luck and partly manifestation? Like if you really want something, you're going to create the path for it and it can, and it can go in many directions. Yeah, but I also feel like. And there's also tragedy, which is unavoidable and unpredictable. The tragedy of where you're born.

Right. What you look like, what race you are, what part of the world you're in, like how lucky I was to be a white guy born in USA. You know what I mean? And how lucky I was to be born outside of Boston. Had this crazy insane scene. There's like a lot of. Like, you know, hurdles that were like this big for, and even then, even then, because

of all the bullshit. That even just, even if you get that much of a head start, all of this other shit that can emotionally fuck you up can. You know, I mean, I think by the time I was like nine, I had already just sort of like, I had that. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I just didn't give a shit.

But I did. You know what I mean? And then that's all your work to get back to that person who did care and did one stuff. You just, this is a defense mechanism. You're just like, yeah, I don't give a fuck. Oh really? Is that going to happen? And then that's supposed to what make me cry.

Fuck you. And that person, which is, it's, it works as far as to get through that shit. But as far as getting anything that you fucking want in life, we have to be open and warm and attract stuff to you that you want. And you're over there with your whole, yeah, I don't give a fuck. Fuck you. Really? 400 pounds in my chest.

Put 500. I don't give a fuck doing that dumb guy shit. Yeah, there's like, yeah, it's just, yeah. That's the thing when you're sitting there at fucking Boston garden going, how to fuck. If I didn't meet this guy, if that guy didn't say that, if I went out that night and went with those people and did that, you just think of all of that fucking what if shit. And there's somebody who went out that night and went with those people and then they're fucking sitting in a cubicle or a jail cell or in a fucking loveless marriage or something.

And then just like, why the, that's somebody's destiny to be in a loveless marriage. I just, I don't, yeah. And karma is another one I don't buy into. I think karma works if you believe in it. How do you define karma? That basically if you're a good person, good things happen to you. But if you're a bad person. No, that's not what karma is though.

But in my world it is. But karma just, like karma simply means cause and effect. So. Okay. Well, if you do good things then. No, it's not a bad good or bad. Jesus. I feel like I'm in school again.

No, no, but you do it. Can you just give me the F and I'll go to summer school. This F? Not like you do an action and it causes a result. It's as simple as that. That's all karma means. That's like being a Satanist. People think that you believe in the devil and people who are into like Satanism or whatever.

They don't even believe in a heaven or hell or a devil. It's just, they're just living for themselves. And everybody's like, oh, they're into the devil. So I always thought karma was like, if you're fucking asshole, then bad shit happens to you. And then in my business I'd watch these fucking people stealing and doing all this shit and just look at them and be like, well, you know, good, you know, nothing's bad is happening to them. And I've done a bunch of bad shit and like overall my life is good. But I, you know, I've heard a lot of people and shit.

So. No, and, and karma. So what is it then? It just, it just simply means that you do an action and it creates a result. So all these people are using that term incorrectly. Yes. I just put it in a script incorrectly. Well, it's for family.

Well, it's correct in that because like a lot of people think that that's what it, what it is. But like when you go to the roots of what karma is, it just simply means like you do an action that's cause and effect. I saw somebody, somebody I follow on Instagram. They had a picture of a boomerang and it said karma on it. So that's actually wrong. Oh my God, I wish I knew the real definition that I could have been that pompous ass on the internet being like actually none of you guys. That's like one time I saw this guy talking about how he didn't have white privilege and his idea that he didn't have white privileges because he wasn't born rich and he had to work for the things that he had. So his idea is that white privileges means you're born on a yacht and all of this fucking shit.

It's like, no, that's not what that means. That means at no point were you with, because you didn't just get pulled over for being white, get the shit kicked out of you, you know, and all of these other things that would have happened to you. You just, you basically because you had to work for things, you feel you're not privileged. So literally his definition was privilege. That's funny. I can't give you any more details of it. I'll tell you afterwards. How do you deal with like internet trolley type people?

Like, have you ever struggled with that or wanted to interact with people like that? Early on I did, but now it has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do. The amount of shit that I hate that really just has to do with me in my day that I do and other people do that too. I don't think, you know, any different than they are, but like, yeah, I don't give a fuck. I don't. It had to be a specific thing that I did and I thought it was bad too. And then everybody said, you shouldn't have done that, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I don't think, I don't know what, but if it's just like, you know, you know, so much of whatever you post isn't about what you posted. It's about what's in the background. So you could do some gravy. Oh my God, that's fucking great. But what's up with that fucking picture on the wall laughing my ass off? Like that's like, but what I learned after a while is like, that's their moment on the thread. Right. Like I'm going to be the guy that notices the thing that starts and then everybody's talking about what I wanted to talk about.

And then it's this weird thing where you feel good, but like I, I do the same thing. If I send out a tweet and it gets a bunch of retweets and likes, I'm like, all right, people thought that was funny. So I'm just on the other end of it. So I just learned like, I can't get upset that somebody is noticing something in this and now they're doing that little show. Like who the fuck am I? It's like, you don't want someone to do that. Don't post something on there. And I just look at like, listen, you don't want people saying a bunch of bad shit about you.

Don't put your face on the internet. It's like, you're literally asking for it. You're sticking your chin out and they're winding up and punching you and then you're acting like a victim. It's like, well, you fucking don't post shit. Just sit there like this or, you know, post it, take a few shots and continue on, I guess. As a musician, like, well, firstly, like as an instrumental musician, there's nothing anybody can say about like what I'm saying. I'm not expressing an opinion. I'm just playing notes, right?

But then now I've just put out an album of songs with lyrics and there's only been out there for a while. No, what I'm saying is that in the context of a song and I'm very much expressing like stories that are personal, but like to go out there as a comedian and like express really strong opinions. Like I kind of imagine like the difference in like the kind of feedback that you get. Well, what people do is you have to understand that what they do is they don't like, I've always said that you can do 80 jokes in a row and someone will sit there laughing and enjoying your set. And then the 81st one has to do something about them. If it's a fat joke and they're fat, if it's about women and they're a woman or it's about this state and they're from there.

And then all of a sudden, yeah, it's funny. Then they go, that statement you made about fucking Arkansas. And it's just like, no, no, no, no, they were all so they are all jokes except for the one. Right. You know what I mean? So there's just that, you know, there's just that thing. I just, I don't pay it any mind. And yeah, if there was ever any sort of big dust up about something I said,

if I actually looked at it and thought I said something wrong, I'd be like, all right, well, maybe I'll phrase it a different way. But like, I do think it's absolutely ridiculous that people get offended about a joke that was told at a show that they weren't at. Because it's taken so out of context. No, you want it to show. Yeah. And you chose to click on that thing. And here's another thing too, if the comedian didn't film it and post it. Yeah.

If just some fucking asshole in the crowd, they'd get mad at them. And it's just like, well, what the fuck are you doing? If you're this easily offended about stand up comedy, what are you doing watching stand up comedy? The whole thing is so like, I just saw, I think was in Australia, like the first mammal went extinct due to human global warming and barely, barely a word about it. But like all of this shit, you know, fucking, you know, it's more difficult to be a comedian if you're a woman, fucking me too. It's all about us and what we're going through and blah, blah, blah, blah and all of this shit. And just meanwhile, all of that pales in comparison to, you know, if this fucking place isn't here, you're not going to have to worry about any of that. Right.

That's why I think that the cell phones are super destructive, like because they are making everything about me, me, me. Look what I'm doing. Look like where I am. Look what I'm eating. And we're on it constantly. And it's like, well, did you see Chris? Do you follow? Did you see his thing that he did?

The the unfollowing? No. Oh my God. It's one of my favorite things ever. He's talking about just making fun of Instagram models. I mean, I can do it. I don't feel like I'm doing this joke because he put it out there. He goes, look, he goes, if you're on Instagram, he goes in your posts and stuff, you just taken a picture of your booty and your titties.

He goes, make no mistake. You're hooking. And he just starts calling them hookers. And then, you know, and then he just starts really like something, some of these people, I didn't even know fucking existed. I guess this is the thing that pretty girls do where they bite into a sandwich and they kind of look up like that. All right. Saying like, yeah, that I'm going to start this thing called the unfollowing. And what I love about it is, first of all, I'm seeing him turning the corner as a comedian because he was always just, he just had that.

This guy is like a fucking closer, you know, and now he's getting, he's like finding his like, like this razor because he was always kind of fun and energetic and stuff. And but now it's, it's like, it's like, it's becoming this, you're seeing this force going in this direction. Like I was fucking crying, laughing like that. Very few things along those lines make me laugh. And it just really fucking was making me laugh. But the funniest thing about that is that would really bother somebody like that. Because they're living, not that I would want to hurt those people because it's very easy to hate beautiful people. You know what I mean?

It just is. They're very hateable as you're staring at them because you hate yourself. Like, why am I this fucking obsessed with like this beauty and all of this stuff? Like, like, look at that. You got like, I got to fucking do nine hours of fucking specials to get half as many followings as you do because you wore a fucking half shirt. You know, so I just, there was just something funny to just finally see a movement to make their numbers go down. I don't know. The more I'm saying this out loud, I'm actually realizing that it kind of says more about me than about those people that take those pictures.

I don't know. I just thought it was that shit is funny. So I'm actually watching that girl at the gas station. I'm going to try to take a like this morning. I didn't have my phone, you know, when I spent the entire like two and a half hours ahead with my daughter this morning, chased her around. We played with the puzzles. I read the books. What else did we do?

I was teaching her how to play catch. And I think she's going to throw with the left hand, which would be really cool. Although she's really big, but the Daryl Dawkins over the top sort of two handed slam. I know you're not going to know that reference. He played for the 76ers before you were born. So I'm trying to get her not to be into stuff like that. But the weird thing is, is because they're so hyper with their energy and all you want to do is just hold them and hug them. The best way to do that is if you put on their favorite cartoon and then they,

they just totally snuggle up next to you. But then there's no interaction other than the physical because then you just, you literally saying like, hey, hey, hey, you know, give me a kiss, give me a kiss. And they'll go like, they'll just sort of lean into you and not even look at you. Just give you the cheek and they just sort of lasered into that. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. I watched a lot of TV.

I did all right in life. The fuck are you going to do? I wasn't even allowed to watch TV. Yeah. And look at you. Look how fucking talented you are. And I'm up there just screaming young like a lunatic. Where can people get this album?

Um, anyway, you listen to music. Um, can they download it on iTunes? Yeah. Spotify. I mean, you can't. I know. I don't think a true thing is going to be said on this podcast and that. Yeah, I can't because my fucking computer's filled up and I forget my password all the time.

Well, I just want to, uh, congratulate you because I know you worked so hard on this. Yeah. Just assembling a band and all of that type of stuff. Like there's so much more work to this where I just like, I need to write a new hour. I don't have to find a mic stand guy and all of this shit. I just have to go out and just go do it. But, um, whatever you did, the three songs that I listened to, I mean, it is just, it's on such a high level creativity and everything.

Um, I'm really happy for you. And, uh, everybody watching, listening, because there are going to be some clips of this, uh, on video, please download. And it is called Love Remains. Love Remains. All right. Thank you for coming on. I was going to ask you, um, how do you stop doing ums and us and your nose and shit like

that? How do I? Yeah. No, I don't. I do it all the time. You do it all the time. Why? Because like it's something that you do it.

I do it so much. Oh, I do it too. I don't know if I don't give a fuck. Do you listen to, uh, Keith Richards? Yeah. People can't understand him. He doesn't give a shit. But like, what about when you're doing material?

I guess because you've written the material is going to be less of that because you know what you're about to say as opposed to if you're just doing a podcast. If I was to actually try to work on something like that, then I would be up here, which is not where I want to be. Right. Yeah. I want to be just coming down the rain spout and out my fucking mouth. Like considered technique for a comedian to like at some point work on that.

Yes. It would. Whereas like with like, um, I learned when I started, uh, taking drum lessons from Dave Elich, um, how many, like how much, you know, of the way I was playing was getting in the way of me getting to where I wanted to be with whatever, because my, my technique, I was like sitting like this and I was grabbing the sticks, like I was getting blisters. And, and, uh, like I wasn't making gravity, anything that had to do with physics work for me.

So I was literally fighting the drum kit. And then he taught me all of this stuff. I haven't seen him in a couple of months and I'm going back to my bad old habits. But, um, there is that thing. I think that like, uh, what we'll say with like a musician, it's like, I don't want to learn how to read, man. I just want to, you know, I just want to fucking be this, you know, free fucking thing, right? And just, there is merit in that because you do have those people who only can play

if there's sheet music in front of them. But if you can somehow marry both of those where you actually have technique, but you can still play from here and not be up there, I think that that's like the promised land. And I always kind of felt is a committee. If you could somehow combine Richard Pryor that specially did live and concert on Long Beach, if you could combine that with George Carlin, um, where his stuff was just like, I feel like he knew every fucking word that he was going to say. And it was like, you just like the whole time where Pryor, you know, on that special came

walking out. It was like a hell gig. There was people walking around and shit, and he just started making fun of people. And I think the way he was wired, that helped him, that helped him better than if everyone was just sitting there staring at him like, okay, begin your, your standup special. I think that he came out and, you know, sit your ass down, you know, sit your fucking ugly ass down with all that stuff that he was saying. And everyone was just walking around.

He's riffing. And then he just, just got in a zone. And what's amazing, you know, is if you begin to his own, usually that will last for like six minutes, because what happens up to six minutes of that is you're like, you'd start worrying going, well, what happens when this ends and I have to go into my act, I'm going to be fucked. And you, you can't think that because that it's almost like when you, you haven't tried like meditating.

Yeah. You know, like when you start to feel like you're floating and like leaving your body, if you start thinking, oh my God, this is great. I'm leaving. And then you just go right back down. So that's the same way with like, like catching his own. So like what I've learned a little, I know about technique with like drums is you just practice a little bit every day.

And then when it starts to become this thing you don't have to think about, then all those skills you learned about sort of leaving your body and just like, just like, I mean, your body's there, but you're, you're listening to what you're playing. That's making you do that next thing. If you can exist, you can go back there with all this technique. Now you're not going to get hurt. You're not going to get tired. I mean, I mean, eventually we'll, but like, so I think with a comedian, if, if I was to

try to do that, like, okay, maybe I won't curse as much or something like that. Like I, there would definitely be a few steps backwards, but I think maybe it would help me. I don't know. I honestly don't think, I don't think, okay? Cause if I go up there and I start doing that, it's all about not being here. I mean, I saw, I'm obviously thinking like, okay, I'm going to, it's more like, okay, you like, I just walk out, I just start talking and then this joke comes out.

And then I said this joke, which made me think that, oh yeah, I have this joke and look at this fucking guy. And then it just sort of just, oh, now we're over here and just, you just, do you have like a set list of jokes? Like you want to do it in this order or this order? Yeah, but that is all out the fucking window the second I go up there and so, well some nights it goes like that. And then other nights, like I definitely have like sections, but there's some nights I just

go out there and all of a sudden I tell the last joke first and I'm switching everything around. And then the guy I tore with is this, you know, waiting to go on stage going like, dude, I didn't know what the fuck was going on. Or you did your clothes and bit in the middle. I was like, wait, he's only doing 35 minutes. And then you went on, you did like another, you know, whatever, another 25 after that or something.

I have like the main set list, you know, so that's the, you know, this is the plan, the general fucking plan. And then you go out there and shit happens. You're in a weird mood. Somebody says something as you look at something in the back of the room that makes you think of something. And then it goes in that direction. And I am a full believer of doing that because then it doesn't become this grind because

I used to, I used to have, I start with this and then that leads to this and I have my segues and it just became like, you know, it's rigid. Yeah. And then I would be on stage and my mouth would be talking and I would find myself thinking about going like, well, the second show, if the headliner lets me not close it out, I could probably be home by and then I was just like, and then I was just like, wait, I'm talking right now and people are laughing and I am thinking about other shit. What the fuck am I doing right now?

And I, it's weird. I learned how to free myself up through more through watching musicians. I've always equated it to music because that's something that I sort of started with. So I always thought, I remember talking to a long time ago, late great Patrice O'Neill and I said, I was telling him, I was like, you know, I always wish I could see someone because you couldn't gauge how good you were, you know, you can't see how good you are or how much you're improving because you're you, you know what I mean? You're just in there.

So I always said, I always wanted to, I wish I could just have somebody sit down and play guitar at the level of comic that I am right now. It's like, could they change chords? Could they play without looking? Could they solo? Like where am I on that trajectory? And it was one of the few times he didn't give me any shit. He was just like, huh, because that's actually interesting.

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Get your status set for just five dollars right now at dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. And now for Bill Burr's theme song. Oh, I get a theme song out of this. I would have thought it would have been like a ukulele, some sort of Irish jigsong. Do they play ukuleles out there? I don't know. You have to play though.

Seriously. I have to play? Yeah. Why do I have to play? Because I'm going to sing you a theme song. Well, then you have to tell a joke. I have to tell a joke? Well, why do I have to do my hobby?

Oh. You know what I mean? What am I playing? Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. I don't have any earplugs.

My ears are fucking junk. Okay. So play it really softly. Is that piano or forte? Can you just make sure you do the retard? Huh? The retard? Yeah.

I learned how. We're going to retard in the end. All right. You ready? Yeah. All right. Bill Burr, Bill Bill Burr, Bill Burr, Bill Bill Burr, Bill Bill Burr, Bill Bill Burr, welcome to Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast on a Thursday afternoon.

That's how it has to end. That's the retard. Bye. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 25th, 2011. How the fuck are you? Yeah. Well, that's good.

I'm in a good mood here. I just did the levels this week. Let me know how you guys have, if this is too loud, because some truckers, some truckers, some truckers wrote me in, hey man, I'm driving across this fucking country bringing bacon and beard, all these fat fucks out here. And when my, when my, when my rig gets rumbling, I can't hear your podcast there. Come on, good buddy. Can you turn it up for me?

You got your ears on? Remember that whole fucking phenomenon back in the 70s? You guys old enough to remember that shit when having a CB and being a fucking redneck trucker was actually in for half a second. And I'm not talking about that Ashton Kutcher horse shit when he walked around with this fucking greasy trucker hat, right? Before he started banging that fucking hot mom up there in Wyoming with their big fake fucking tits.

I'm not talking about that. His trucker hat that actually said Von Dutch on it. You guys even know what the fuck that was? I didn't, till I moved out to LA and realized that that was the guy who did all the custom paint on the hot rods. Isn't that what the fuck it was? I'm talking about before that. I'm talking about when there were shows on TV with guys who hung out with monkeys and

it was all, Clint Eastwood was making movies with monkeys. That was like, those were like the vampire movies of the late 70s. He had any which way but loose, any which way you can. Why the fuck am I doing a trilogy with an orangutan? I think was the last one that he did. And they even had a TV show. It's my voice cracks. They even had a TV show called BJ and the Bear.

And the bear was had a hat on like Paul Bear Bryant who was the old coach of the fucking Alabama Crimson Tide. And I didn't get that, you know, because what were they saying about him? You know, they're calling him a monkey. Is that racist? They call a white man a monkey. Oh Jesus. This is the podcast for this week, ladies and gentlemen.

So this is going to be the levels. I adjusted the bass. Somebody said the bass was too fucking low. Like I have all these buttons on these goddamn thing. I don't even know how to work it. So I just realized that there's a high, a mid, and a low range. So gradually, eventually, this podcast will become professional. Look at me.

I'm pacing around. I'm pacing around my old fucking bedroom. That's what I'm doing here on Easter. Fucking Easter Sunday. Did you guys go to church? Holy, holy, holy. Eat this fucking wafer. It's the body of a guy who came out of womb.

That was never fucked. Is that what you guys did? Did you give your little colored eggs for the fucking weed smokers, man? I'm fucking tired. I'm just I'm trying to go on energy this week, people. I just that was just, you know, I was like, you know, remember back in the day when you get into a fight with somebody and you knew you were going to lose? So you just had that first spastic eight seconds of the fight.

We were like, just swinging before he just started punching in the head and you started crying. Then the girl you had a crush on. That's the first person when you looked up. That's the one you always saw the dirt in the side of your face and the fucking pebbles stuck in your skin. And she just, you know, you know what killed you is she didn't look away. She was walking away, but she was making eye contact.

And she didn't know what she was thinking because she was so young. But it was just her inner DNA was clicking in already. That was just letting her know was just giving her innocent little stay away from that. You know, when she gets older, it gets more sophisticated with you cannot breed with that. When you're young, it's just sort of he looks icky. Anyways, the fuck was I talking about? I was talking about truckers. Let's let's work our way back here. BJ and McKay, BJ McKay and his best friend, Bear.

Is there any truckers listening to this shit? And that's why you became a trucker. You know, you flunking math. You sucked in English class history didn't interest you. And then one day there was a show that let you know that your dream of someday driving a truck with the chimpanzee could come true. You're like, dude, that's what the fuck I'm going to do. Dude, speaking of dude,

I mentioned this week that I was going to have a couple of guests on the Monday morning podcast. Not one guest, not two guests, but two guests. Sorry, it's got to be three, right? You always got to say, not this, not this, but this, which is a hard thing to do when the numbers two, but I plowed through it. I'm going to have two guests and I was thinking of doing it on this podcast. And I was like, you know what? Well, why don't I do two podcasts this week?

Why don't I overindulge like all the kids running around with their fucking candy? Not really learning the story of Jesus. Isn't this story? This is the day about the conquering of life over death, right? I read a little bit. Everybody was thinking Jesus was dead. They were like, I can't believe it.

He was the number one draft pick, dude. We were supposed to get the championship. But what does he do? He fucking shits the bed on Friday. Where is he? Where the fuck is he? Last I heard he was in a cave hiding behind a rock. He's fucking dead.

His career's over. It's it. We need to go to another motivational speaker. And then what happens? All of a sudden, some nosy prick walked in, right? He started rolling the rock back, probably the original Geraldo Rivera, you know, with some just fucking amazing medieval mustache. And he came walking in there and Jesus was just laying there, right?

If I can overuse this reference for the 500th time in two weeks, laying there like fucking Bert Reynolds with that leaf over his cock. Why do I talk about that so much? Do I have a crush on Bert Reynolds? Oh, do you a fucking queer? Sorry, and adjusting like that. No, it's just fucking, it's just hilarious to me. I love the 70s.

I love what you could get away with, you know? So anyway, so Jesus is laying there, right? And his playgirl fucking spread. His hippy hair laying down, you know? And then let me see if I can remember this from church. And then these like, there was like at least three guys came walking in and they were the guys who hung out with them at his last supper, right? Before Judas betrayed him.

Do you know Jesus? Nah, dude, I don't know that motherfucker. What do you think he's going to say? You just nailed him to a fucking piece of wood. Give a fuck who it is up on that. I don't know that guy. Yeah, good for you. Way to go.

Jesus, let's get the fuck out of here. I really think, I think Judas gets a bad rap. Look, I think you should always stick by your friends. But Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you supposed to do in that? It's over. You know, do you realize the nerve damage you're going to get if somebody drives the nails? I have our different things through the hands or through the forearms.

You know, in between the radius and all the fucking nerve damage you're going to get at that point, right? You're not coming back from that. You can't continue being a carpenter. But wait a minute, he's the son of God. Why didn't he just hover off that thing and just go heal? And then he was better. Why didn't he do that?

You know why he didn't do that? Because then he couldn't guilt shift for your entire life. Look at me. Look what I did. Happy Easter, everybody. So anyways, they fucking, so yeah. So the guy dies, right? He dies and everybody's like, oh, God, what do we do?

Then it started raining really bad. And then Steve Carell put a bunch of animals on a boat, right? He saved them. No, wait, then those three guys would find them in the cave would have been dead because they weren't on the boat. All right, let's back up. Let's back up to 12 AS, no, no, BS, before Steve, before Steve Carell, BSC.

All right, what the fuck am I? Three fucking guys walking in the damn cave. And then they go, hey, are you sleeping? Are you awake? And Jesus, nah, I'm up. You're not Jesus. We saw you. You died.

And they go, it is me. And then they didn't believe it was him. And then they were in trouble. Then they were sitting next to Judas at the fucking bench outside the principal's office, waiting to go in and see God. Why did you say you didn't know my son? You know my son.

You've been over my house. What is your story, Judas? Why did you deny him? Hey, listen, man, I didn't want to trouble the guy. I was coming to get you. Judas is basically that fucking guy. Was it Bobby and Saturday Night Fever? Remember that shit when he drove away and he didn't fight?

That's who Judas is. Is he built? Yeah, I think he is, according to my version. My new version of the Old Testament. Is this the Old Testament or the new one? Whatever. So these fucking guys walk in and then basically how they figure out it's Jesus is he takes one of their hands

and he puts it in the wound on the side of him. And then they go, oh yeah, it is you. It was weird because I hung out with you and I know what your face looks like. But unless I stuck my hand inside your fucking chest cavity, I wasn't really convinced. Wait a minute. Yeah, yeah, feel that liver.

Tell me that's not Jesus. That's him. It's fucking him. So yeah, that's the history of the Jesus part of it. Dude, it is hot as fuck in this room. I'm in my old apartment. I have to have the doors closed. Oh, so anyways, yeah, so I decided

I was going to do two podcasts this week. I'm going to do the regular one. The regular one where I ramble and I piss off fucking Jesus freaks and talk to truckers. Talking to truckers. What are you guys doing your trucks? You got the Confederate flags. Do you go yee-haw when you change lanes?

You like when liberals do shit like that? That's one thing I've noticed about liberals. They're as fucked up to the left as the people all the way on the right. There is intolerant. Am I preaching? Jesus, it's hot in here. This isn't me.

I don't preach. Do I? No, Jesus. I'm just trying to get my bearings here, people. The fuck was I talking? Oh, then you got the Easter buddy. And according to Wikipedia, the Easter bunny came from Germany.

So all you people out there think Germans are the most evil motherfuckers on the planet just because they started two world wars and tried to wipe an entire group of people off the face of the earth by sticking them in ovens. You know? Yeah, all right. You got them.

They're a little evil there. But you know what? They got a soft side. They got a soft side. And his name is Peter Cottontail, right? Here comes Peter Cottontail. Up and down the buddy trail, hippity, hoppity, fuck you, motherfucker, right?

One of the few Easter songs I ever knew. He's got jelly beans for Bobby, colored eggs for Sister Sue. So anyways, I guess they brought that tradition over here. And people have always asked the Seinfeldian question, why do they have eggs coming out of a rabbit? Because evidently, there was a sign of fertility, I guess, according to Wikipedia. Basically, birds, they lay a bunch of eggs, very fertile.

And bunny rabbits, when they get fucking knocked up, when some fucking hare starts pulling the back of their ears as he's fucking jackhammering in the back of that little rabbit pussy, what comes out, right? Like fucking 48 rabbits every goddamn time. That's why snakes are so fat. There's just plenty of rabbits to feast on, right? I don't fucking know.

People, like, glance at this shit right before I started the podcast. So basically, they combine the two of those. I don't know why. The whole fucking thing is weird. And it has to do with life, I guess. And Jesus coming back from the dead, coming back to life. The eggs, I don't fucking know.

It makes no goddamn sense to me. I mean, you know what it is? I think the story of those guys walking into the cave and somebody getting nailed to a goddamn cross and then somebody having to stick their hand in the side of a human being like they're reaching into a giant wallet was just too creepy to say to kids, so you've got to come up with this shit, right?

You know, it was pre-TV. What do you do? Just give them a basket full of fucking colored eggs and some candy. Do you know when I was a kid, I thought those Cadbury eggs were chocolate fucking eggs? Remember that commercial? Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck,

buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck. Remember that? And the fucking rabbit was sitting there? I thought that that, and I thought they were disgusting. And I have a sweet tooth and I never got them, because when they broke them open, it looked like a fucking egg yolk inside of it. And I was like, there's no way.

I don't want a chocolate-covered egg. I don't want a chocolate-covered egg. Let's get on with the podcast for this week. I have a couple announcements. So what I was trying to say, I don't even know if I've said it at this point. This is why I never do podcasts when I travel, but I had a quick trip.

Came in from Detroit. So rather than just do the one podcast and have Bobby, Bobby, Bobby Kelly, my old roommate, we're going to tell stories about how we used to live together and we almost beat the shit out of each other. And that time, he threw the racquetball when I had the Conan O'Brien audition. And it ricocheted off the wall, went into the bathroom,

and hit me in the mouth, and cut my fucking lip right before I had to go down and showcase for the Conan people as he was riding on this bootleg Stairmaster that he fucking took off the sidewalk because he grew up in a fucking junkyard. All right, that's one of the stories we'll be telling. And then we're also going to be lucky enough to have the Teen Idol sensation from the Open Anthony

program. Joe DeRosa, everybody. Joe DeRosa is also going to be on. The Monday Morning Podcast, the special edition, the limit, the Shelby GT500 edition of this motherfucking podcast. Oh, speaking of which, last week, we added a donation button.

A bunch of people donated. I really appreciate it. I'm able to fucking pay my web guy a few more fucking dollars. And eventually, I'm going to be able to hire somebody to help me with this mixer so it sounds OK. I'm going to have a whole little fucking radio station. I'm taking this thing to the next level, people. But some of you guys were actually

having difficulty finding the podcast donation button. If you just go on themmp.com, the official fan page of the Monday Morning Podcast. If you just go on there, if you look under the icons on the right, you'll see the Twitter, Facebook, and something else over there. Those icons, right underneath that, you'll see Donate. And there's a big Donate button.

You just click on that. Whatever you want to give, people have been given like $10, $20. The average has been about $20. I've had a couple of ridiculous donations from people. And I tried to write back as many as I could to say thanks. I'm going to write back some more today after I do this. I really appreciate you guys kicking in

and all the positive feedback I got. I really appreciate you guys kicking in for this thing. And I'm going to take the money and reinvest into this fucking thing. And I realized I got myself a little radio show here. I'm kind of excited. Kind of excited about this. And I want to take it to another level.

And speaking of another level, the Tribeca Film Festival has begun. And cheat the film that we did. Our film Cheat, as I should say, debuted last night. And they put us on at the end of eight different films. And evidently, I wasn't there. Joe DeRosa, fresh off his fucking cover shoot of Teen Beat Magazine, was there.

And once he got done signing autographs for all the kids he went in, and evidently, according to him, I got a text, he said, the film fucking killed. And I can't even tell you last time I was that excited. I was really nervous. And I got to give him kudos, because I wouldn't have had the balls to sit there. Just the unbelievable lack of power

that you'd have in that situation. Like as a comedian, I'm standing. It's live. If it's not funny, I can do something about it in the moment. Even if I'm doing like the podcast, I can feel. And it's not funny, I can do something. But film is done, and you're just sitting there. And if it's not working, you can't stop it.

You can't improv. You can't feed the crowd. You're just sitting there. It's done. But evidently, he sat there, and I guess it fucking killed. And we're hoping all the other screens are going to go that way. Pretty much all the shows are sold out. So I want to thank everybody once again.

It's a big love fest here. I want to thank everybody for coming out and supporting the film. I hope you guys enjoyed. So as you get tickets, those who aren't going to be able to see it, we will definitely figure out a way to get it out there to you guys so you will be able to see it.

And with that, you want to hear something to sum up a media exports fan I am, though. However, despite the fact that I got off stage, sold out show at the Royal Oak Theater, Royal Oak, Michigan, I want to thank everyone who came out for that fucking thing. I get off stage, all right? And I am well aware that the Bruins and the Canadians

are in double overtime. Now, last week, if you remember, the Bruins lost the first to all the Montreal fans are walking away from their MP fucking three players right now, aren't you? Where you going? Where you get over here, get over here, come back, sit down. Sit down and take it a little bit. All right, you motherfuckers.

You sent me a lot of you snooty little French-Canadian fucking emails talking about how Boston Bruins were done. Because we lost the first two at home, didn't you? Didn't look at me. Come on, Jacques, up here, I'm up here, I'm up here. Yeah, you sent me a bunch of fucking emails saying that we were finished. All right, and what did I say?

I said last week, ask not. No, I said last week that we weren't finished. And I said that we were going to fucking kill them in game three. We didn't kill them, but we beat them. All right, for those of you who aren't hockey fans, we beat them in their fucking building. They could have gone up 3-0.

Now it's 2-1. Ah, no big deal, just win game four. They're up 3-1. They got another home game. No way the Bruins are going to win again it in their fucking building. This is the fucking Montreal Canadians, right? I saw a video on YouTube that was hyping this series.

And all they showed was the Canadians kicking the shit out of the Bruins, even like modern day footage. Them winning fights, everything, and the narrator goes to close it out. I said pretty much own the Bruins forever, right? Oh, did that get my blood going? It's like they haven't owned the Bruins since pre-1988, OK? Up to 1987, they fucking owned our asses.

We couldn't beat them. But since then, they've been a non-factor. We've met them 10 times in the playoffs. We've beaten them six times. The last time we played them, we beat them four games in a fucking row. The last two in their building. I don't get it.

They're not in the way of us or anybody else winning a cup. They're not who they used to be. They dominated a six team league. That's it. It's over. And then the hangover of the expansion six, until everybody got on their fucking feet. Then they added the Edmonton Oilers and the 70s were over.

They haven't dominated since, all right? Enough already with that bullshit. So anyways, all they got to do is win game four. What happens? The fucking Bruins win it in overtime. Now it's 2-2. We're going back to Boston, all right? Last night, double overtime fucking game.

I'm on stage missing every fucking second of it. Having the time of my life, though. Having a great time. All these people showed up in fucking Detroit. Absolutely beautiful fucking town that just needs a coat of paint and evidently some windows. And they really need to, like, Detroit looks like a hurricane came.

And everybody boarded up their fucking windows, and they never bothered to take it off. That's what it really looks like. It's sad because they have these beautiful brick houses. There's a few cities that I go to, and it makes me sad how beautiful they are. And they've just been run down. Detroit, Cleveland, Upper Darby.

When I went there in the last couple weeks ago to Tower Theater and Philly, it's just awful. It's like, you're looking at, like, 200 seasons of this old house. You could just have a never-ending of people coming in and fixing up these awesome houses and making them great again. But anyways, so I get off stage.

This is how much of a fucking psycho sports fan I am. I know that our film is debuting at the Tribeca Film Festival. It's the first film I've ever done like this where I was involved at this level, okay? And I open, I look at my phone, and I get a text from Joe DeRosa, right? And it says the film fucking killed

with, like, 20 exclamation points behind it. So I'm totally psyched. Now, wouldn't you think that that would be my first phone call to find it at now? The first thing I'm doing is I'm looking for text from fellow Bruins fans, and I'm not getting anything that's letting me know what happened.

I got a couple of texts saying, can you fucking believe this? Because it was this unbelievable game. And, but nothing's saying whether they won or lost. And my fucking heart sunk, and it reminded me of the time I was working in the improv in DC, and the fucking Patriots were playing the Colts

in the AFC Championship game, and we were up, like, 20 to nothing or something at the half. And I got a bunch of calls from Pat's fans, going, ah, Peyton Manning's choking again. Can you fucking believe this? And when all these Pat's fans were already calling me, and when I got off stage,

when the show was over 90 fucking minutes later, after I sold DVDs, probably about two hours later, I got off and I had no text and no messages, and I was like, uh-oh. Called up, found out the fucking Colts actually came back to win. So I get off stage, and all I have is people reacting to the overtime,

and then I don't get any fucking text, so I assumed the worst that the Canadians won. And I called up somebody, I said, what happened? Eyes fucking squinting. Made this call before I found out about the film. And what did I find out? What did I find out the fucking Bruins wanted? Now we're up three games to two.

Okay, against this team that's pretty much owned us forever. Give me a fucking break. You guys owned us, and I fucking owned the fact that you owned us, but you have not owned us since 1988. You have not. Stand the fuck down. It's been a whole different era since then.

Enough already. How, you know what it is? It's just lazy sports journalism. You just dusting off that same fucking stupid story. Enough already. You ought to be ashamed of yourself whoever wrote that piece. All right, two thumbs down from this Bruins fan.

So that's the deal, dude. It's fucking three to two, and now we're going up to Montreal with once again with an opportunity to close out the series in fucking Montreal. And not to mention, I also Twittered, I don't tweet, I Twitter. I said a few days ago, what did I say?

I'm gonna be that guy, dude, I called it this week. I fucking said this series is going seven and Tim Thomas is gonna be the difference. Gary Price is not there yet. I'm telling you, we're gonna beat these motherfuckers. You hear me, Montreal? We're gonna fucking beat you, sons of bitches. All right, and then what?

Then what? Then we're gonna be going on 25 years, a quarter of a century of you guys not owning us. Are you still gonna dust that fucking story off? It's over. It's over, you guys are over, and this fucking series is over because we're closing it out and games,

I'm fucking with you. You know what I really think's gonna happen? I think, I don't think that the Montreal fans are gonna allow their team to lose this series in their building. You know, this is the one thing I gotta give, I gotta give a couple of things to the fucking Canadians. Aside from having one of the best uniforms in sports,

despite the fact that when I look at it, it makes me fucking rage. I gotta admit, it's a great fucking uniform. Number two, your fans are fucking ridiculous. They're just awesome fans. You're obnoxious, you're snooty, whatever. But I mean, the way that you guys push your team, that's why I think you guys are gonna win Game Six

because of that shit. And also, I really hope that Subban is gonna be a fucking free agent, and we can sign him, because I think that guy's the shit, and he's gonna be a star. Other than that, go fuck yourselves. Go eat a fucking croissant or whatever,

and get ready to start golfing people, because this series is fucking over. I'm fucking with you, I never talk shit like this, and I'm not confident that it's over. This thing changed on a dime, and it can change back again. When the fuck am I gonna get a job on one of these sports channels

and put on a sport coat and sit there with my little pen, tapping it, waiting to chime in, as the straight-lice guy, you know? Yo, they always got the straight-lice guy going up in Montreal. The blue-blanket rouge or a bub-dub-dub-dub-dub-dub. What are you gonna say about that, Bill? Then I'm the fucking moron

who wears like a short-sleeve shirt under a blazer. Well, I tell ya, I gotta tell ya, if I'm Cary Price, I gotta be thinking. All right, I know what people are saying. Way too much sports talk. Well, why don't you go fucking read a book, then? What do you want me to get back to my amazing talks about history?

I don't know, shit. All right, you listen to me. You hear me itching that fucking beard? All right, I have another announcement to make this week. Seattle, the anti-social network tour, the brilliant comedic fucking brainchild, whatever, whatever, what is that expression? Whatever, the line-up.

God damn it, I'm trying to hype this. What is the fucking word? Ah, it gives a shit, I'm too stupid. Look, Jim Norton came up with this great idea. He said, you know what? I got a show down in Atlantic City, New Jersey. I do it every year. What if I brought down a couple of pals,

a couple of buddies, brought down David Tell, Jim Brewer, and myself. We had a great time. People showed up. We had to add shows. We were like, holy shit, this could be something. So now we're adding cities. The next city that we are adding is Seattle.

I am officially announcing Seattle, and I am officially announcing it without the fucking date, of course. I am the fucking worst. I had everything laid out. There it is. Here it is, I got it, right? No, I don't.

Here's a new button I hit. Here's the fucking Easter egg shit. Is this it? You're such a dumb fuck. Oh, here we go, all right. Seattle should be announced on Monday, April 25th. Check, I am doing that. It goes on sale Friday, April 29th,

at www.tickets.com. The show is on July 1st at the beautiful, the lovely Paramount Theater in Seattle, Washington. You can go to antisocialcomedy.com and facebook.com slash antisocialcomedy. We'll have direct ticket links and all other show information. And I am gonna announce, it says,

please make sure you announce this first thing Monday. Well, I think the Monday morning podcast is the first perfect vehicle. So there you go, people. Seattle, Washington, July 1st. Tickets go on sale next Friday, April 29th. Go to tickets.com, antisocialcomedy.com or facebook.com slash antisocialcomedy.

Come on out and check out three amazing fucking comedians and myself. Mopping up. Not even mopping up, I'm coming out of the gate. Anyways, what was I just gonna say about Seattle? Did I have anything else to hype about that? Oh, I know. We got that same tour, if you like that lineup

and you live in different parts of the country. That's a West Coast date. If you want a Midwest date, June 15th, we're at the Chicago Theater in Chicago, Illinois. One of the most underrated cities in this goddamn country. And if you live on the East Coast, May 13th, we're gonna be at Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C. I can't wait to do that gig

because fans of stand-up comedy, I might be a little wrong on a couple of these specials, but I know Eddie Murphy taped Delirious there. I believe Martin Lawrence taped the special there and Chris Rock did. I don't know which Chris Rock one. So I think it's fitting that four white guys are now gonna come in and hold hands

and do one giant show. All right, to take that venue back. No, I'm kidding. What the fuck was that all about? I think that was one for the truckers. All right, let's plow ahead with the podcast here, people. Enough with the announcements. Enough with the bullshit.

Let's get to Jesus Christ, Bill. Why don't I have this fucking laid out? Oh, I know, last week I asked you guys, I said, can you guys help me out, you know, by giving me a little bit of feedback on last week's podcast to help me keep the fucking ball in the air here for an hour. And here's something, last week we were talking about STDs.

Somebody wrote in and was talking about they met this wonderful lady. Okay, then he goes to the zoo and they're not looking at the ostriches, they're not looking at the gorillas, they're fucking looking into each other's eyes. And they're just totally connecting. You like juggling?

I like juggling, right? Totally headed off. Then it finds out, the dude finds out she's got herpes. What do I do? Wow, that just reminds me of that old Sesame Street song. No left turn, no right turn, boom. What do you do? Remember that one?

Every once in a while, an old Sesame Street song pops into my head. And you know what I was thinking of the one the other day? Do you remember Bob? So-called white man. You remember him from Sesame Street? Bob was one of the whitest guys ever. And they sang a song, I think it was teaching you

about your fucking the shit on your face. And everybody's singing, I got a nose, I got a mouth, I got two ears, I got two eyes. They're singing this little diddy. I remember Susan, the black girl on there, right? She sang about the ears right before Bob, and she totally sasses it up, which made Bob sound even whiter.

I forget how the whole song went, but Susan, the black chick went first, and then Bob, who made fucking John Denver look like a fucking, like he was in the goddamn crypts. So she sings about the ears, and then he comes on. The song basically, I don't think I remember it, she goes, I got two ears to help me hear. And he goes, I've got two eyes,

and they're both the same size. And I even remember being like five or six years old, thinking there was something wrong with Bob, that he shouldn't have sung it that way. Can anybody send me a link to that? I've got two eyes. Oh, Bob, what happened? What happened to you, huh?

Did you grow up in the 50s, isolated? Did you have a bomb shelter? Did you put your fucking white head between your white knees out there in the white cul-de-sac? Is that what happened? Then you found out you had a love of music, but you couldn't sing rock and roll, so everybody called you a queer.

And then what happened? You got into sock puppets, the next thing you know, you meet a guy named Jim Henson. He makes a pass at you, he grabs your ass, you start, you shove your face into his beard, you guys are making out. Right? Disgusting.

That's good. Is nobody with the beard safe on this podcast? First, Jesus, and now Jim Henson. You know what's funny? Jim Henson's bird, his fucking beard kind of looks like one of those Easter egg baskets. Fucking things, right? You know what, you guys can go fuck yourself right now.

I know it's off the rails. I know this whole thing has just gone, just went down an alley that has no exit. I'm in here sweating. I shouldn't be sweating while doing this. You know what's funny? I'm in my old bedroom. All right, back in the day when I was a single man

and I used to bring back the broods. Oh God, the nightmares I used to be. You know what really fucked me up was Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, like if I met Dr. Drew, I've done his show a couple of times, right? His love line thing. If I did his show 10 fucking years ago, I swear to God, there's a good eight or nine girls

I never would have hooked up with. Just, it's fucking unreal. You gotta listen to that guy's show. I realize the reason why, probably a third of the women that I fucking hooked up was I was damaged and I was going out hooking up with other damaged people. And that was the connection.

And then we had this fucking crazy, ah, I'm not even gonna get into it. You gotta listen to his show. He's fucking unreal. They sit there and they, people call in like the girls that have those little mousy voices, you know? Those voices that turn guys on. Those creepy little girl voices today.

Yeah, hi Dr. Drew, me and my boyfriend. And he just immediately goes, what happened to you when you were five? Then you find out they got molested when they were five and then there was some sort of fucking like, I don't know what you call it. They just stopped growing mentally and they kept talking that way.

It just fucking blows my mind. I remember back in the day when a girl came up talking like that, I got you, you're like, this girl's easy, right? I got you, you're talking like pebbles on the goddamn Flintstones? What happened in your dick take? So is an easy one to fucking knock out of the park?

I didn't realize it. I feel like some sort of fucking pervert. Jesus, that wasn't funny at all. It was always on my chest. I had to get it off. All right, so let's plow ahead. So last week, this person was sitting there talking about, so he met some lady and she had the fucking,

she's got the blisters on her thing there, right? She of course tells an innocent story of it was one guy and he went down on me and he had a cold sore and that was it. That's when somebody has an STD, that's always how they tell the story. They never say, listen, I was an absolute fucking whore and I was fucking everything that moved

and I really have no idea when I got it, where I got it or who I gave it to. All I know is I got it and if you want some of it, I got it, I got it right fucking here. No one says that, man or woman. They always just go, I was on my way to Bible study and somebody said, would you like a drink? I didn't know what was in it.

Oh God, I feel so foolish. I feel like you're judging me. And you're like, no, no, I'm not judging you, right? No one was getting banged in a fucking jacuzzi. No one got it that way, did they, right? No one went down to, what is that? Freak Nick or what do they call that? Heatnism, where everybody goes down to that fucking,

like Haiti and fucks, you know, before the earthquake. I guess they gotta move it now. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Jamaica, is that where you go? It's just fucking crazy. You know, or they go down to Brazil and everybody says I went to Brazil and banged a bunch of whores

and I don't even know what I have. I got south of the border fucking gonorrhea. You know, no one says that. No one says that there was a mariachi band and I was banging this girl in the dirt outside some fucking bar in Tijuana. And that's how I got syphilis. No one says that.

It's always an innocent fucking story. And they always look down and of course, cause there's shame involved, but no one will own up to it. No one will just say, listen, you know, I banged a lot of broads and I went in raw. All right, no vest, no fucking rubber, no nothing. I stuck it in there, moved it around.

I got all up in that disease and now it's on my dick and I just thought you should know. I had my time, I had a good fucking time and now I'm paying for it. All right, you want to help me limp across the fucking finish line of life with my blistered cock? Is that what you want to do?

If you're up for it, I'm just trying to be up front. What did you order, by the way? Did you start with a, did you get the muscles? No one says that shit. Jesus, Bill, we got it. So last week I was talking about saying, you know what, they ought to have a fucking website for people with STDs.

So they don't got to go through this shit and lo and behold, they got one. They got a fucking site here, people. Let me see what we got here. Somebody, they got, dude, they pretty much got a fucking website for everything. And I remember there was a guy a few weeks ago, this fucking dude over there, he fucking called me up.

He fucking sent me an email and he was telling me that the 10 most bizarre dating websites. Oh, I know what I was going to say. I can't read and think at the same time. How fucked up is that? Or think about something else. I can't multitask. This guy sent me this email and he was saying

that Jesus, what the fuck was my point? See, now my brain is looking at this shit. My brain, it works in a straight line and just shit gets erased immediately. What the fuck did he say? This is unbelievable. Is this how Reagan started? All right, fuck it.

I don't know what the fuck he said. Oh, I remember, I got it now. He was talking about how he didn't want to do the online dating thing because he thought it was like this host stigma and that type of shit and he felt like a loser or kind of guy can't go out and get laid or on his own and go meet a girl.

Fuck that. If I was a young dude and my goddamn prime as opposed to a fucking approaching the end of his middle age, which I gotta be because he mult 42 times two is 84, right? You think I'm making 85? I got news for you, I am. I'm making 101.

I'm gonna see the 70s again. 2070, I'm checking out. I'm calling it right here, that's my prediction. Nostradamus on my own fucking life. Did he ever do that with himself? That arrogant prick? Dude, Nostradamus is so fucking overrated. It's ridiculous.

In the future, bad shit's gonna happen, really? There's gonna be a guy with a beard saying something to a bald guy. Oh my God, dude, that's Saddam, that's Gorbachev. No, you know what that is? That's like when you get your horoscope read. When you say a bunch of vague shit, believers, believers, dumb people,

kind of people who sit in a pulpit, you know? And just listen to another human being tell stories about three-headed fucking dogs, you know? The whole thing's a dog and pony show. Why are those ceilings so high? They're trying to intimidate you. Why are you sitting on a piece of wood? Huh?

They can't have sofas? They don't want you lounging. They don't want you sitting upright, all nervous. Like what? What's gonna happen to me? Just tell me what I need to do. You know? Then they walk up those stairs made out of marble.

Right? Stand up there when they preach. Was that so they can see? You can see them? No, so they can be a little bit higher and fucking talk down to you. As you sit on your fucking wooden bench with no cushion. Sit up straight.

I'm channeling a higher power right now. All right? Anyway, so this fucking guy writes me and he says it's a stigma. Dude, they got a website for fucking everything. If I was in my prime, if I could do it over, I would be all over the fucking internet. So they have a website.

Okay, first of all, they have a website for people with STDs, which I think is a great thing. You know, let's keep it in-house. No awkward conversation. Huh? Fucking, you know. And then you can be honest about how you got it. Where'd you get yours?

I got mine in fucking chili. Where'd you get yours? Dude, I was in the combat zone getting blown on a flight of stairs, right? I got one fucking, I don't know, she fucking bit my ball bag. I was into it. Never did at least she had rabies

on one of her incisors. All right, so they got all these different fucking websites here, 10 most bizarre dating websites. I feel like I should have Anton Fig here right now to do a little drum roll. They have a website for look-alikes. People who look like each other, which I think is awesome.

You know, a couple of narcissists just get together and they don't have a, you know, neither one of them has a problem with the other person saying I need a little me time. They can have me time together, just looking at each other, how they look alike. This one basically says look-alike dating websites because that's what we're all looking for, right?

The founder of findyourfacemake.com says she says that she was inspired to build a website after people kept telling her that she and her ex-husband look a lot alike. It's really not a compliment. Then they have a website for ugly people. I swear to God. Britain's first dating agency.

Who would have guessed Britain would have a dating website for ugly people? You know, it's not that people in Britain are fucking ugly. It's that they, the country is the size of Michigan. And you know, Americans are good looking people because we got everybody. Everybody's fucking everybody. We're mulching it over.

You got fresh soil over here. God damn English people. They've been fucking in the same soil for years. God damn teeth are all fucked up. You wanna see the worst of them. Look at the royal family. Is there one good looking person? Fergie?

Fergie could scare a fucking pug. She could. She looks like a, I don't know what. You know, if a poodle fucked Helen Keller. That's what, that's fucking me. That's what you get. You get Fergie. And look at fucking, look at Prince Charles.

Jesus Christ. You know why his wife was 20 years younger than him? Because that's how much further along he had to be intellectually to talk a fucking pretty woman into bed, even with a goddamn castle. Prince William. I mean, they just knocked their teeth at just horrific.

Harry with those beady little eyes. You know? He looks like one of the guys in Dillinger's gang from fucking, he looked like, they have so just been fucking each other for so goddamn long. Like, if you ever look at pictures of people like from 50 years ago,

you know, that probably doesn't work in England. They probably look exactly the fucking same. Cause God knows you guys are still fucking trying to empty that keg of DNA over there, right? But over here in America, people look different. Cause we had all these different ethnicities came in and then everybody, like people look really ethnic. Like if you look at pictures of Americans in like the 20s,

Italian people looked Italian. French people looked French. You could tell what country people were from. And then by the 60s, right? After World War II, everybody came back and just started fucking banging away. Okay? The greatest generation basically from their balls

came the douche generation known as the baby boomers. The whining, crying, patting yourself on the back. Contiest, most selfish, self-righteous generation we've ever fucking had. They take credit for all the good shit and completely ignore that they're all a bunch of banker cunts now driving fucking convertible BMWs right through the 80s, right?

Right into AIG, all those fucking people. They all claim they were at Woodstock and they protested the fucking war, fuck all of them. All right, this is a lot of generalities here. So anyways, but if you notice those people, they look different, you know? I can't even remember what my fucking point was. I know a point was it's fitting

that England started uglypeople.com. What is it called? It's called the uglybugball.com, a dating website. All right, you know what's funny? The last time I said English people were ugly, you know who they sent over is one of their good-looking people was that chick from the Spice Girls, you know? Who in this country would just be the real housewife

of Orange County with that awful facelift. She looks like a good-looking mouse. That's the best thing I'll give her. All right, they got a sea captain website for sea captains, for women who like guys who fucking wear that Ted Knight, fucking I have a yacht hat. They got that, let me just blow through these. They got a dating website for a mother's single son.

Mothers playing matchmakers for their children is probably as old as humanity itself. Ladies, you can't tell me that's not a major red flag. Okay, if there's some mother, like the kid's got some sort of fucked up relationship that his mother's picking out the pussy that he's gonna bang for the rest of his fucking life. Do you think you're ever gonna be dressed nice enough?

Do you think the house is ever gonna be neat enough? Do you think your s'mores are ever gonna taste as good as the wrinkled cunt that this guy came out of? I don't think they are, so stay away from that website. That's my advice for the ladies this week. Website number five. Are you okay? This one is for superheroes and super villains.

Are you lonely looking for a special someone? Are you also okay with tights wearing crime fighters? These fucking comic book people, they're a bunch of freaks. I think that that's what you start off doing when you start off dressing up like a superhero, eventually you get into that porn where you wanna fuck a mascot. Dating website for beautiful people.

That's a great one. I think that's great. I think beautiful people should fuck each other and just make more beautiful people. Give the rest of us something to jerk off to. You know, or maybe something to claim if you go out and make your million. Wouldn't that be great?

Dating website for pot smokers. Tired of smoking weed alone? Tried joining 420 dating and packed that bowl for two. And of course they have some super hot chick with a flat stomach like she smokes weed. She's not smoking weed, she's doing coke. That's how she keeps the fucking weight off. Can't have a stomach that flat

when you're fucking eating a whole bag of jacks. Dating website for women behind bars. Dating website for married people. Oh, Jesus. Every 20 seconds, somebody new joins Ashley Madison's looking to have a discreet affair. Life is short, have an affair. With a trademark greeting like that on the homepage,

you can't say that the Ashley Madison agency are shy when it comes to the fact that they're dating websites catered specifically to married people with a roving eye. There's even the option to quickly visit a fake home renovation website at any moment by pressing a panic button. Wow.

Wow. And then number 10, the drum roll from Anton Fig is a dating website for people with STDs. It's a picture of two happy people that they're psyched, that they both have, I think I'm out of funny STDs. Connect with singles who share your STD. That's the slogan from stdmatch.net. Whether you're living with herpes, HPV or anything else.

Notice how they take two, one scary one, one kind of mainstream one, or anything else. There's something, there's someone there for you. So there you go. There you go people, I think I just helped to make a love connection for a lot of you guys out there. Those are all the people, you know? There's somebody for people who smoke weed.

How about you should have an alcoholics one. If you're sick of somebody fucking ragging on you to put down the goddamn bottle. Not for straight up alcoholics because if you're straight up alcoholic, right, you wanna end the problem. But just for somebody who fucking nags you all the time, right, you don't give a fuck that you have a beer belly.

All right, you live for sports and you live for whatever seasonal ale Sam Adams puts out. All right, and you want a giant glass and you wanna just suck down like fucking 20 of them and you just wanna be able to do that without somebody judging you. That'd be a great website. That really would.

I would enjoy that one. God damn it, I miss beer. I really fucking miss that shit. People, I'm coming up on 200 days. You know, vanity-wise, I'm loving it, you know? I'm in shape again. And Jesus, I was out in fucking Milwaukee and I was working the Pap's Theater

and this theater was from like the mid 1800s. Like Duke Ellington's band. The original band played there. Liberace, who's from Wisconsin, he played there. All these amazing, amazing fucking entertainers had played there and I'm sitting there doing my show and it went phenomenal. By the way, I'm gonna tell you right now,

Milwaukee and Detroit are now in the rotation. Without a doubt, I was blown away by how many people showed up. I was really nervous when my guy booked both of those cities. I didn't know how many people were gonna show up. I've never done stand-up in Milwaukee and I hadn't done the Royal Oak Theater in seven years. Last time I did there, I was on the Rich Bitch Tour

with the Chappelle Show Tour with Charlie Murphy and Don L. Rawlings. I was the first guy out of the gate. Nobody knew who I was. Everybody thought I was a writer on Chappelle Show, which I wasn't. And, or they thought I was from the Detroit Metro area. I was just some local white guy that they put on there.

And they went, you know. But anyways, a ton of people fucking showed up. And basically, I forgot my point. Oh, I remember, I was in Milwaukee and they had some beer that was some local beer. And I noticed there was a bunch of people from Milwaukee sucking them down and they were all saying how good they are. And that's one of the things I like to do

is check out the local breweries and now, man, that was a fucking rough one to not be able to do that. At some point, I'm gonna end this streak though. Like when Brett Farve finally decided, all right, fuck it. Well, I guess he really didn't. Somebody threw him on the ground like a rag doll and he said, I can't do it. Oh no, that's how his career ended.

Like Cal Ripken, Cal Ripken took himself out of the lineup. I'm gonna do that at some point. But anyways, let's plow ahead here. Let's get, let's get to some of the questions and some of the comments from last week's podcast. Somebody, some lady wrote in, I was talking about always wear a condom. And you can't believe the information this lady sends in

without anything else. She goes, I'm a nurse and you can actually still get herpes using a condom. Just an FYI, that's it. No telling you how you can get herpes by using, how can you get herpes using a condom? If you take a condom, you unroll that motherfucker all the way down the shaft of your cock,

get it all the way down to the base and it doesn't break and you never dip your dick in past where the fucking condom is. She never rides you and nothing, drips down on you and nothing. How does it, does it eat through the rubber? Okay, you're teasing me here lady. You got me, I'm on the hook.

I'm signed up for the sequel, for the love of God. Tell me how the fuck you can get herpes wearing a goddamn condom, that's frightening. They didn't say that in health class. That sounds like some shit, I never took a health class. Who am I kidding? You know what's staggering is I don't know anything about the vagina, I don't know anything about it.

Somebody said cervix the other day and they kept talking about their cervix and I don't even know what it was. And evidently that's like the swinging saloon door that the baby comes out on. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I don't know what ovaries are. Aren't there like two of them?

And that's they spit out a couple of eggs? I don't know anything about them. There's a tube in there, the eggs come down the tube and one egg comes down the tube and if you don't knock it up, then it kind of just withers up and then just it's a bloody mess once a month. Isn't that how it works?

I don't know. Yeah. Like if you're ever in an elevator and we're stuck and you start having a kid, you're in trouble. Cause I don't know anything. I don't know anything about anything when it comes to that shit. I never took a fucking health class.

And for some reason, the amount of stuff that fascinates me, the reproductive aspects of a vagina don't fascinate me. I was just more interested in the clitoris and what do I have to do on the inside to try to make the same reaction happen? Other than that, I was good with the other stuff. It's kind of like me with cars. You know, I can change the oil, change an air filter.

I can take up the radiator out and replace the pumps. But you know, you start getting in with the pistons and I don't know shit. I don't know anything about it. Taking that to somebody else. Hey doc, she's holding her stomach here. I'll be in the waiting room. I would tell you guys that I have no plans

if I ever have a kid to be in the fucking delivery room. I'm not gonna go in there and get yelled at. You know, having some woman break my fucking finger as I'm standing there doing what? What am I doing? Except adding to the heat in the room just by my body temperature and I can't do anything. Standing there dressed like a fucking surgeon.

Like I know, I don't know anything. God damn pussy guys, man. Just getting talked into one fucking thing after another. Back in the day, you stood out in the waiting room where you belonged. Yeah, let's bring somebody else in here. Somebody else in here who has germs. You know, to breathe on the goddamn kid.

I don't wanna see it when it comes out when it's not ready yet. Hose it off, slap it around, make sure everything's fine. Then bring it out. Hey, how you doing there? I sport, pat it on its soft head, hand out some cigars, and then go up there and wipe the sweat off my wife's brow.

That's why I wanted to do it. Old school. Evidently, if you do that, you're the worst first person on the planet. I can't wait for that to swing back. Kind of like with like eggs. You know, when I was a kid, eggs were healthy. Then all of a sudden everybody said,

oh, you gotta eat as the white stuff. You eat the yolk, and then all of a sudden that that, it gives you a heart attack. And then it fucking swung back again. Oh, wait, the yolk's okay. That's what I'm hoping for. It's gonna swing back again. That's when I'll have a kid.

When I could stand out smoking a fucking cigar. You know? Just sitting there with a fucking cigar in my mouth and the duck comes out. Ah, ah, what do you have? What? Oh, there's a girl. Oh, there's a girl.

It's quite everybody. Everybody smoke it out. Smoke it out, tell me, tell me. That's how I wanna do it. I know there's a lot of women like, you should never be a parent. Whatever, probably shouldn't. Okay, Bill, you should come back

and check out the Clinton Museum here in Little Rock. Oh yeah, last week I talked about the Reagan Library and how we had a great time. He said, Arkansas sucks. Our only bragging rights are Clinton and Walmart. And the Razorbacks, SEC football. What are you talking about? So the Clinton Museum has to be decked out

to overcompensate. Oh, I see. Whenever you come down, I'll tell you some more old redneck sayings that my friends can take you out hunting. There's a funny bone down here. To that can be your ticket. So that can be your ticket, little typo there.

You know, a lot of people are gonna take me up on that hunting thing. I just gotta figure out who's not a psycho. I mean, that was pretty well written, but you're also from Arkansas. I guess that's gonna be par for the course, right? I don't wanna go hunting in Rhode Island. I want the real deal.

Arkansas is a good state. I wonder what do I wanna shoot? I wanna shoot a vomit. Let me start small. I don't wanna shoot like a badger or a Wolverine. How about a raccoon? Shoot it right in its belly. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Possum, something fucking ugly. Number three, hey Bill. As a woman, I fucking hate to hear bitches. Oh, wait a minute. I'm supposed to be doing my catchphrases this week. People gave me some catchphrases. Let me try out a couple of these catchphrases. You guys tell me if you like them or not.

Where the fuck are they? All right, instead of saying get her done, you could say got a Prius. Comically insane. That's a catchphrase. Ginger and loving it. Securing my perimeter. You know what, that could be the name of a special

in the late 80s if I was already a dad and I was talking about having a man cave. If I could have come out with that before Tim Allen came out with that pegboard and did tool time, I think I could have made a zillion. I don't read, no research necessary. Some of these are actually doable. Oh, if I finished a joke after every joke, I could go,

ah, ginger. How would you guys like that? These are fucking horrific. These are all end your career catchphrases. You just got Bill burned. All right, I'm gonna puke if I read any more of these. All right, let's plow ahead here. Bill is a woman, I fucking hate to hear bitches complain

about being stay at home, a stay at home mom. Are you kidding me? It'll be the greatest gig ever. I get to garden, cook, go shopping, watch Netflix all day, but mostly, I can't believe this is written by a woman, but mostly not have to get up and work at 7 a.m. every fucking day and work with a bunch of bitches

that I can't stand. Even the goddamn gym has a babysitter to watch you spawn while you work out. Great point. Then you go meet your girlfriends for three martini lunch, then run by Whole Foods, Foods in the liquor store and go home and fix a gin and tonic while you get dinner ready.

And then give your man some hot, steamy sex when he gets home. Is it that hard to push a baby carriage around and then let that thing suck on your tit every once in a while? No, it can't be. I am not a mom, but I have a dog. That's hilarious. I was gonna say, this sounds like a guy.

I can't believe a woman wrote this. I just completely agree with you on this subject. Quit whining and learn how to keep your legs shut if you can't handle it. Anyways, I love the podcast. Thanks for doing it. Come to Louisiana soon, please. I'm planning on it in the fall for an LSU game.

So there you go, ladies. That's coming from one of your own. A sell out, you might say. All right, let's get to advice here. And then I gotta wrap this shit up really quickly. Wait, can you please keep track? Oh, by the way, you guys. Why don't you guys vote on your catchphrase?

And I'll say it once next week when I do the whatever funny joke. You want me to say, got a Prius like get her done? Got a Prius. Would you like that? Do you want me to say ginger and loving it? Securing my perimeter. Or what was the last one?

Oh, ginger! Vote on themmpodcast.com. I could have sold those a lot better. I know, I always promise my web guy that I'm gonna sell this shit better. And I just, you know what it is? This podcast is stream of consciousness. So if I try and plan shit, it ends up not being funny.

Let's get to the advice here. But please go there and please go to themmpodcast.com. Check out the YouTube videos for the week. If you wanna email me questions, please send it at something, something off. I kinda know what the hell it is. What is the email? It's on themmpodcast.com.

What the fuck is, ah, Jesus Christ. Why do I try? Why do I, my web guy right now is just throwing his hands up in the fucking air. And that's what he's saying. Why do I try to help this guy? This is pointless. Thank God for the donation button.

Anyways, advice for the week. I haven't read any of these. Whatever, I flew today, people. Go fuck yourselves. I haven't read any of these. So let me blow through this. Advice. You know what I should've done?

I should've got a joke book and just read bad jokes and then tried out the fucking catchphrases. That's what I should've done. God damn it. Alright, advice. Bill, since you've given great advice on relationships in the past, I'm wondering if you can do it for me.

I've been with this girl, this lady of mine for years and we're planning on getting married. Oh, geez. We're both only 20 years old. I'm a college dropout since I'm certainly a more blue-collar individual. She is going to college to work with children. We both work full-time jobs.

Mine being the night shift in a warehouse selecting orders to go to individual stores, stressful and physically challenging. Here's being, her as being a phone answering day job from eight to five, working with customers in a graphic design shop, boring and easy. Okay.

He's to find his job is stressful and physically challenging and her job is boring and easy. Never underestimate how tedious a boring job can be. I'd rather do your job. Walking around breaking balls. Look at his fucking shirt, dude. Fucking queer.

Drive by on the fucking forklift. Right? Guys start a softball league. You have a great time. Rather than sitting there having your ass fall asleep in a cubicle, listening to people bitch because they can't figure out how to work there, set it and forget it.

Grass is always greener, my friend. Why don't I shut my fucking pie hole and read the rest of this? All right. Since we started dating, she seemed to do everything to keep me interested. Make me breakfast in the mornings on some days, go to concerts with me

when she didn't necessarily like the music. The whole works. But I've noticed that she's without question just been lacking in the care department. She just sits and watches TV every night and eats and complains about gaining weight. I come home in the morning to do dirty dishes, to do the dirty dishes that piled up in the sink

from her having friends over while I'm at work for the night and get yelled at for not cleaning them when I saw them sitting there, but I had no part in making them dirty. Dude, what the fuck you can't have that? She leaves clothes laying around every room in the house and that's not even how she is with me. She has seemed to develop some kind of self-righteousness

where everything that she, where everything that she, yeah, dude, I really gotta prove for you these people. So many spelling mistakes. She has seemed to develop some kind of self-righteousness where everything that she says throughout the day should be my main concern and I should go out of my way to make her life easier.

I do her college homework. I take care of the $2,000 dog I bought for her. I work on her car when she nearly runs the damn wheels off the thing and I do chores for her family she volunteers me for. Dude, she has your balls in a little, that, you know that little engagement ring you bought her? If you bought her, yet your balls are in there too.

The next part is the icing on the cake. She goes as far as to dictate what time I have to go to bed and wake up in the morning. Evening, since I work at night. What I can and can't spend money on, who I can hang out with, what days I can see friends and require me to call her every time I arrive at work

and text her in the middle of the night when I get off work and request her, and I request her to do nothing outside of what she does on her day-to-day routine. To sum all that up, I feel like she's forcing me into a cookie mold guy when I actually let her make her own decisions like some strange thing called an adult.

All right, I'm gonna stop right here, dude, cause this is just gonna be more fucking misery. All right. This is what I've said this before on the podcast. You have to, I don't give a fuck how good the woman is that you're with. You really have to be careful, because all this shit you see on TV

where women are just constantly, there's all this fucking information out there about how guys are assholes to women. There's just reams of it. And there needs to be, because guys are assholes to women. So women, I think, are more aware, or at least they should be more aware

because they got all these fucking goddamn shows with either, from one to four twats sitting around, bitching about guys, and all this shit that we do. But there's no show on TV where you have four guys just sitting around a coffee table, you know, drinking some hot cocoa with some pillows and wearing sweaters and their favorite shoes,

talking about, you know, not losing yourself in a relationship. That's what you've done here. All this shit that she's doing is your fault, okay? And what's great about being a guy is you can blame the victim, which is why we're better problem solvers, all right? This is your fault.

This is all on you. You don't like any of this shit. You have to sit down and talk to her, okay? You're not required to call her. You can go to bed when you fucking want to go to bed and you can just sit there and tell it, you did those dishes, you clean it up. Okay, now here's the point.

This is the key with... Broads! This is what you gotta do. You can't be mean. There's no reason to be mean here. There's no reason to yell. There's no reason to be angry, okay? All three of those things is what she wants you to do

because she's gonna know she's fucking wrong. If you made the dishes dirty and every day you're telling me to clean them up, you treat me like I'm fucking Alice on the goddamn Brady Bunch. Everybody knows that that's fucking wrong. So what women do when they're fucking wrong is they try to make the argument about something else, all right?

So she's gonna do that anyways. So, but you're gonna make it easy if you're angry and you yell at her and you call her fucking names. So what you gotta do is you gotta keep your fucking cool. That's what you gotta do. Keep your fucking cool and say, listen, I worked all night. I don't think it's fair that you tell me to come home

and I have to do these dishes when you made these dishes dirty yourself. I don't think it's fair to me to come home in the morning and have a sink full of dirty dishes that not only you, you and your friends made dirty. That's unacceptable to me that you want me to wash those. That's unacceptable. I'm not doing it.

You have to wash those. I'll wash my dirty dishes. I'm not doing that. All right, and then let her flip out. Let her pout, let her slam the fucking cabinets. Let her not fuck you. Just don't back down. Rub one out.

Who gives a fuck? It's just an urge. You've already banged her. You're not missing anything. Who gives a fuck? But don't get angry, all right? And then just do to her what she did to you. Just reclaim that territory.

You're not doing that. You're not doing that anymore. All right, start with the fucking dishes and then start with this, you can actually tag that argument. And just say, now that we're on this topic of discussing things, I'm gonna go to bed when I want to go to bed.

I just, it makes me feel like a child when you're telling me when to go to bed. I know when to go to bed. All right, now that I've aired two complaints, how about you give me a couple of, you got anything you want to say to me? And just stay cool. Then when she hits you with some shit,

if you don't like it, tell her, you know, I was gonna say to go fuck herself, you know, I don't know what, whatever. You know what, fuck that last advice. Just go with the dishes thing first. It's unacceptable. That's it. If you bring up something else,

then it looks like you have all this resentful shit and then she'll try and spin it like, well, if you're feeling all this, why didn't you fucking say anything? Cause you're a cunt. That's what's gonna happen. And then you're gonna lose the argument. And then next thing you know, to make up for it,

you're not gonna be getting any pussy from her. And you're gonna be doing a whole sink full of fucking dishes that you didn't dirty. All right, moving on. But sir, you have all the power there. Just keep your fucking cool. All right, next one. And then I gotta wrap this up.

This podcast is getting way too fucking long lately. Subject, who's dick do I have to suck to be a stay-at-home mom, Bill? Jesus, here's another one. Bill, I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half now. I love her to death. We have a fundamental problem.

I'm a sports nut. I watch every single Bill's game and almost every Saber's game. I played high school hockey, college hockey, and now that I'm in the real world, beer league hockey, twice a week. My girlfriend, who has a good family life with both parents, grew up with an older brother

that played hockey with an entire family that is just as ridiculous of sports fans as I am. She is a super girly girl that never got into it. And since she was dragged to all of her brother's hockey games and hated it, she now absolutely hates sports and any kinds of sports viewing activity. All right, that's understandable.

This is causing an unbelievable amount of friction lately now that the honeymoon stage of our relationship is over. She used to come along to my hockey games, come with me to my Super Bowl parties and group outings at sports bars on Sundays during the football game. Now she absolutely refuses to do anything related to sports whatsoever.

I wouldn't really care that much, but I hang out with a ton of other couples and I'm always alone now whenever I want to watch a game. Bill, you're a sports fan. It's a lot more fun to watch a game with other Buffalo fans than to watch it alone. Oh God, my brain's tired. I'm sorry guys.

Who is there to hear all that shit you spew at the TV when you're watching it alone? Nobody in my, Nia hates sports. You know, she likes going to basketball games. She likes going to football games and looking at the field and then she's not into it. So I, you know, all right, dude, I already know where you're going with this.

I love this girl. He says I want to work with it. We are perfect fit. Every other, I talked to her about the sports thing that's really becoming increasingly a big deal, but she would not budge on this whole sports vendetta. What does a sports fan do when he finds himself in this situation?

All right, well, this is what you got to do. This is the great thing. Okay, when you're in a relationship, you do have to have areas that you're into and the other person isn't, so you can get the fuck away from each other. Absence makes the heart fonder. All right, so what I would do right now

is you're basically doing to her what her family already did, which is you're not as bad, but you're trying to force her into this shit. She doesn't want to do it. She wants to have her own life, so let her have her own life. All right, and you do your fucking sports thing.

All right, and she does her thing, you do your thing. And then when there's a big game coming up, you got to do something that's going to make it fun for her. Either agree to do some other activity with her if she comes to the sports thing, or you can fucking turn it into like a date night thing as gay as that sounds. You just have it built around

rather than some awful fucking romantic comedy movie. You have it built around the Saber's Game. You got to do something to make it fun for her. But right now, you know what she needs to do? She needs the detox from sports. You just don't force it on her. And just find some other activity that you guys like doing. Going to the gym or some other shit,

looking at the fucking ducks, I don't know what. Find something you guys can do together, and then you watch your sports, and she goes to her needle point fucking class, whatever the hell she wants to do. Maybe that's what you do. I can tell you right now, all your buddies whose broads are going to them

with the fucking games, eventually are going to be envious of the fact that you can go to a goddamn sports bar by yourself, and they don't have their ball in chain. Because eventually, most of their relationships are going to suck, and they're going to want to get a divorce, and they're just going to be miserable, you know?

And then they won't communicate, and they'll gradually keep getting fatter and fatter, because they're just going to be drowning themselves in appetizers and beers. That's basically what's going to happen. So you actually have a decent situation. I'm a total sports nut. Nia hates sports.

She doesn't give a fuck. So when she watches reality TV, I go out and do standup, and when I watch sports, she goes out, works out, or goes out and fucking, it goes, hangs with her friends, or goes in the other room.

That's it, and I watch it with my dog, and it's worked out. So there you go. And I think that's it. That's the podcast for this week. Got a couple of YouTube videos, how they make the ice rink. They got a couple of good videos like this.

This will send you to some links, how to make a backyard ice rink, which is something I've always dreamed of doing. You know, back in the day, when I thought I was going to be a dad and have four fucking kids, you know, three boys and a girl, I wouldn't let the girl play hockey though,

you know what I mean? I wouldn't let them do that, you know? I just wouldn't. It's just too, you know? If I had a girl, I'd send her like to, how to make a grilled cheese sandwich like class, you know? I really want to bring back the America that I've read about, you know?

The chauvinistic, I'm fucking with you guys. Here's another one, eating fish alive. I don't even know what this one is. Eating fish alive. Is this something about Asia? Okay, there is a fish on a plate, and it looks like it's waving like please, please pull me back in the water,

and there's chopsticks. What a surprise. Those little dishes that you put the thing, that is the fucking worst thing I've ever seen. Stab it with the fucking stick, you asshole. They're just eating the ginger around it. You know what? What is with the continent of Asia

when it comes to animals? You know, I know we do cruel shit in this country, but they just fucking go above and beyond. Do you guys ever see that movie, The Cove? I never had the balls to watch it. It's basically about Japanese people clubbing dolphins to death, not all of them, but just some people.

I'm not saying that Asia's a bad place, you know? Look at us with our guns. There's a lot of shit that we do that's probably fucking stupid, but how do you do that? Fucking think it's just sitting there moving its fin? I don't know. By the way, somebody sent me an email that went above and beyond.

This is some extra time here in the podcast. This one is beyond my advice, by the way. This guy basically sent me an email. He said, I was good friends with this female. We've known each other since my freshman year at the university of blah, blah, blah, in the year 2000. We keep in contact.

She's like my kid's sister. I thought this was gonna be like, she's like my kid's sister, but he really had like a crush on her. It's funny, but it isn't. Goes, takes a total left turn. He says, we all keep in contact. My whole crew of college friends,

we all keep in contact and we meet as much as possible. The girl who's my kid's sister, she went to the Peace Corps in 2008 and she got a boyfriend who left the Peace Corps early to be with her. And this guy says, I don't like this guy to put it tersely. He's done nothing to warrant any antagonism,

but he's just never set well with me. I've kept it to myself because they love, quote, each other and he has never set a foot wrong with me or even my friends. In fact, he is overly attentive to her. I have never seen my kid's sister friend there so attached to a boyfriend. Last holiday, we all got together

and some of us noticed a marked change in my girlfriend, I'm trying not to name her name. Let's just call her Lisa, Lisa's demeanor. She's usually very bright, bubbly and vivacious girl, type of girl who wasn't the prettiest in the room but could catch any man's attention with her charm and personality. Now she has an insecure, negative,

mopey, introverted attitude. She marked it down to her, she tried to say it was her graduate school stress, but this was, but she was this way for an entire week. This past Sunday, another friend in the group will call her Susie and I were arranging plans in late May to go to Moeb. I don't know what the fuck that is.

And they stated that Lisa and her boyfriend might not go. Then the bomb came. She let it slip that the real reason her boyfriend left the Peace Corps was because he was a teacher and beat up a six year old kid in school. He didn't leave the Peace Corps because of Lisa, he left because he was asked to leave. Lisa specifically told the rest not to mention it

because of how I, oh, to me because how I would react since the incident was a misunderstanding. I lived with an abusive father and she know the story would put him in a bad light. And I realized immediately why I didn't like this, why this douche didn't sit well with me, reminded me of my father. So it goes on to continue, it gets really dark here

where basically they think that this guy thinks that she's being physically abused or whatever. Dude, this is a Dr. Drew question, all right? This is my advice, call Dr. Drew. Call Love Line, he will know exactly what the fuck to do if not to send you in the right direction. The name of the show is Love Line. You can find it, the guy's super famous.

I don't have the link here, but yeah guys, don't ask me questions like that because that is, I'll ask the silly ones. I like sports and she doesn't like, but that is above and beyond this podcast and my ability to answer questions like that. I feel fucking horrific. You know, I mean, I say a lot of fucking horrific shit

about women on here, but I'm obviously just fucking around. This is all comedy and stuff. Like I have no idea how I would approach that, but all I can tell you is that I've known somebody that was in a situation like that and it's hard when they're in the denial and protecting the douche of a fucking boyfriend and they won't fucking own up to it.

It's kind of an impossible situation until they finally admit that they got a fucking problem. So I don't know, it's above and beyond me. What a fucked up way to end the podcast, but I wanted to at least try to send this guy in the right direction because that's, it was just a creepy fucking email. So yeah, so don't send me the creepy emails, everybody.

I'm flattered that someone would think that I could possibly know what the fuck to do there. Calling the love line for the serious ones. The silly, stupid ones, you know? I love it, but a clam stinks, you know? Those are the ones for me. So that's the podcast for this week. I hope you guys enjoyed it.

We're gonna have another podcast this week. I'm gonna put it up possibly Tuesday or Wednesday. I'll announce it on the MM podcast this week where I actually, I'll put it up on Wednesday. Let's have it defined. Wednesday will be a special edition of the Monday morning podcast and I'll have special guests, Robert Kelly and Joe DeRosa

and we're gonna be talking about a film in the Tribeca Film Festival, the film called Cheat. We're gonna talk about how we all know each other. We're gonna tell old stories. We're gonna break each other's balls, probably trash each other and it might hurt our friendships but it's gonna be hilarious to you guys.

I hope you enjoy it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great week and I actually know I'll talk to you on Wednesday. See ya. You've painted yourself into a corner and now you say you wish you met me before her every time I walk away

you pull me back in the game and this goes on and on and off and on and off and on and off and off and off and off and off and off and off just after you met her you said I changed your life but that ain't stopping you from making her your lovely wife

what's the point in knowing where you're at if you don't want to change what good is that so you've painted yourself into a corner and you want me hanging on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off again

and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and on... Almost like a soldier thrown into war Caught between desire and all he's fighting for you