Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-26-18

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

Bill rambles about the super cold, creating controversy and Heritage pork.

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Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cirrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before

Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I'm checking in on you. But do do do the checking in on you. Fuck cold medicine. Who cares if your nose is fucking running? Get some fucking Kleenex and have some fun and sorry.

I'm so sick of being sick. Just when the fuck is this gonna end? I woke up boo-doo-loo-doo. I had a fucking coffin fit at like four in the morning. And, you know, I was upstairs. I've been banished upstairs, you know what I mean? Like back in the day when people had like

tuberculosis after the slumlord stuck them in some damp, dark fucking apartment for years and years and years. And then these poor fucking tenants would die a lonely death and then they'd build a statue to the fucking slumlord. I'll name a subway stop after him. You know, what was that one on off the six?

The fuck, I can't remember the name of the stop. I used to get off it all the time and walk over to the fucking... I remember everything I saw in New York, I just, anybody had a statue, I just started looking them up on the internet. It was all this shit that they did, but if you went to about page three or four, it was

the other stuff that they did. Oh, yeah. People, if I live long enough, I'm gonna do a weekend at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, Georgia. And then you know what I'm gonna do the following day? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm getting in a fucking rental car and I'm

driving over to fucking Talladego. I'm gonna go watch a bunch of fucking rednecks watching their dream cars going around the track one more time. One more fucking time. Hey, is stock car racing gonna change now that Ford is fucking phasing out all of their sedans?

Did you guys see that? They're not making any cars anymore. They're gonna still have the Mustang, you know, because what would a fucking tourist rent when they come to LA? You gotta get the red Mustang convertible and put the fucking top down and drive around like a douche.

Right, oh, do you know, you want to hear some self-involved shit? They're always talking about the millennials. You know what I mean? You ask a millennial, what's the top fucking social issue out there today and they'd say there's a lack of self-service, you know, in a tunnel.

No, actually they said climate change and they're determined to tackle the issue. That's what I just read today. Millennials think that climate change is the number one social issue. Of course it is and they are 100% right. God bless them and they're determined to tackle it. You know, wait till they get a little bit

of debt under their belts. Wait till those banker cuts, cunts get them under their fucking, you know, get them running on the wheel. You know, wait till they get married. Yeah, wait till that happens. You start getting fucking nagged. Then your priority becomes paying off my fucking house

and fucking redoing the garage so I got a place for myself. But until then, until then, all right, you save the polar bear. So I hope you do it. I hope you stick to it. I hope you keep it real, man. Like whenever you see an old hippie still rocking the long fucking, you know,

hair, even if you went bald, still has it all gathered in the back. You know. Um... Anyways, what the fuck was I got? I was, god damn it, built the attention. So it was something I was going to talk about there. What I brought was talking about

cold medicine, being sick, led me to the cars, tattled Daga. Ah, fuck if I know. I don't fucking know. All I know is that I've been sick too fucking long and I've been sick

I know is that I've been sick too fucking long and I've had this fucking thing started Wednesday or last week. These are these new super colds because everybody takes antibiotics and everything, right? And rather than killing the virus all you do is slap it around a little bit and it toughens up. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, that, you know?

It starts to know your tendencies. He leads with the left fucking jab. Always follows it with an overhand right. He doesn't like when you crowd him in the ring. Oh shit, somebody's calling me. Oh, it's my mother. Hey mom, I'm doing my podcast. Let me call you right back.

Anyways. Fuck, I don't even want to be talking about it anymore. Oh yes, oh no, so I woke up at like four in the morning just fucking hacking away upstairs in the guest room. That's where I've been

sent. My wife is also sick. But she gets to stay in the big bed. Do you see how that works? With the nice fucking master bath from right next door. She has a fucking humidifier going.

She's got her fucking Kleenex with the you won't get a sore noise, nose fucking missed on him. I'm up in the fucking guest room with all my old drum DVDs and shit. Blowing my nose with toilet paper.

That's how it works. What do you see, all you see is women just constantly complaining about the way men treat women and their position in society, right? This is a society, right? What about me? What about my existence? You know?

Where's my ribbon? Where's my hashtag? How come I can't get somebody fired? You know? I've actually been winning arguments lately with my wife. It's been good. It's caused her to kind of like, you know, do a couple things around the house that I've been

asking her to do. But I know it's going to go back the other way. Same way like she goes, you got to watch her temper. For a few days I walk around smiling like a lunatic before I go back to who I am. But you know, I accept it for who she is. That's what you have to do after a while. All you ladies out there, you think you're going to change her, man, you're not.

You're not going to change her. The best you can hope to do is break his spirit. Okay? If that's what gets you off. What about all of that shit, you know? How about a ribbon for all the broken men out there? I don't know why I'm talking about all of this shit. It just fucking, it always makes me laugh.

Anyways. How about those Bruins? Here we go, Bruins. Here we go. Bump, bump. Wow. Did I think we were going to lose that game? Seven. When we started our fourth fucking line and immediately gave up a goddamn goal.

I was like, wow, that reminds me of certain somebody not starting a game crying before the Super Bowl. What the fuck are we doing? Then we tie it up, then we go ahead. It was two to one and we scored right before the first fucking period ended or something.

I was like, oh boy, it's three to two. Look at that. That's what I was. It was one, nothing them, then one, one us and then they immediately fucking scored like they always did. And then we fucking, and we went up three to two and I'm like, okay, maybe, maybe, you know, whatever

and then they score two fucking goals. They're up five to three. This is one thing I've noticed about the Bruins. We don't hit anybody. Finally started hitting somebody in the third period of Jesus Christ when the other team is faster than you. You're supposed to hit them to try to slow them down.

Giving away too much fucking space. I thought, you know, I thought Anderson looks shaky in the first period. So I was like, let's pepper him with some shots there in the second and we barely got a shot on him, it felt. So I thought that allowed him to settle down

while Jesus Christ was I wrong. I tell you, you hate to see it. You hate to see it with a fellow ginger, you know, fucking as a game like that, you know, I guess Tori Kruger was a little bit screened, but he left, he let up a fucking softy that next one

with that goal number five was a softy and also one of the first three wasn't a good one either. Not to put it all on him. But anyways, my condolences to fucking Toronto Maple Leafs and Jesus Christ. You know, and you got to give it up to the ones that still have the heart

to fucking go down the Maple Leafs square, whatever the fuck they call it and stand there knowing that their joy is eventually going to turn to anger. And then they're just going to be part of a fucking reaction video. A bad one.

But you have to go, right? As a Leaf fan, you got to go because one of these times you're going to fucking win. I like what that one guy in the Leaf said. He said, obviously it sucks, but I think in the future we're going to be a team to be reckoned with. I always love that expression, team to be

reckoned with. I think they're going to be. You know, if old freckles settles down a little bit, they get a little more playoff experience. I'll tell you what the Bruins need, they need a physical presence in front of the net. Each day, you know, we still haven't made up

for fucking Lucic's departure. Gotcha. We always had that runaway fucking train that would just flatten people. Actually, we used to have like three of them. We just don't have that anymore. Now we're fucking fast as shit. At least I thought we were until we played the Maple Leafs.

Anyway, so now the Bruins move on. We got to Tampa Bay Lightning. Part of that hotbed of hockey fans down there. I went to a Tampa Bay Lightning game down there, right? I went with Four Shaw. We were sitting there and there was these

Florida, northern Florida rednecks behind us. Some of my favorite rednecks. I like rednecks, you know. There was not a thick shit. I'll fix it. It ain't going to fit. But it'll hang off nice. We were sitting there and they had on the Diamond Vision, they put this little baby

up there, right? You know, they had an infant up on the screen. The guy behind us goes, look at that little baby. I don't know why they just stuck with us. So the rest of the road trip. We were driving over to fucking Orlando, dead silence in the car in the forest. Just be like,

look at that little baby. Look at that little baby. It was hilarious and also scary. Just listen to the guy because he didn't sound real bright. And just the fact that, you know, his jizz can also make babies. I just wish that like your level of intelligence

made you also like, like your IQ should be the same level as your reproductive like potency. Is that the right word? Like if you're fucking moron, it should be a half court shot that you're going to get somebody knocked

up. You know, that's not how it works. Dumb people usually have like that super jizz. You know, they just stand next to somebody and they get fucking pregnant. Just shooting out fucking kids.

That's because they're too dumb to plan. You know, they're just laying on the back, but it feels good. Feels good. Feels good. Why is my belly sticking out? Why is my belly moving? Does anybody else feel weird after that meal and then they just

fucking shit the kid out on a sofa? I mean, that happens. That still happens in America out there on the Appalachian Trail. God knows Hollywood will go out there and put some cameras on it and turn it into a fucking reality show. The next thing you know, we're buying it and there's fucking little kids sewing

together t-shirts with these fucking dope faces on it. All right, and that's what's wrong with this goddamn country. Um, Jesus Christ, I love all these people taking the bait on that fucking Kanye West shit.

He obviously has an album coming out. You fucking morons, relax. Has he lost his mind? Didn't you learn anything with that Beyonce album? Well, she was acting like she was all annoyed with Jay-Z

and that there were all these problems that, oh, what the fuck and everybody just starts gossiping and everybody buys the fucking album and they're still together. How many fucking times are you going to jump on the hook? He's obviously

recording a fucking album. There's no more MTV. Billboard's are a lot of fucking money. Why don't you just start saying some crazy shit that makes no fucking sense? You know, and then people will listen to your next album. I'm going to fucking do that.

Get my podcast numbers up. What the fucking night? I'm going to just start saying positive shit about women. You know, I think the real problem beyond global warming and that swirl

of trash out in the Pacific Ocean, even worse than ISIS. Oh, I got a text message. Ah, I dropped the phone. Jesus Christ. Tiki Barber. Pick it up, Bill, for Christ's sake.

Shut this fucking thing up. I think the biggest problem beyond ISIS and ISIS is a major problem. I mean, they're just like the Third Reich. If the Third Reich had no planes or

boats or really any technology. His white male heterosexuals and their microaggression which is why I have decided

I can't even do this because you guys are going to fucking retweet this thing. And next thing you know, it'll be some fucking I don't want to get involved in that. I was going to say that I've decided that I can't say it because everyone's going to get all fucking upset. It rhymes with

manzition. That would be the ultimate, right? If you did that. It'd be funny if you did that as a sign of solidarity with all the pain that women have been through, that you actually

went through with the sex change operation. And then everybody called you a hero and then Diane Sawyer interviewed you and they made you Woman of the Year and then after all that cleared, all these women came forward and said you were grabbing ass titties all through the 90s and 2000s

and then you'd be like well I didn't do that. That was Frank, I'm Francis and I just feel like for me right? And then you're on the other side of the issue. And they'd be like well isn't Frank still in there?

And you could be like well I left Frank on that fucking operating table. I never was Frank. Frank is my white slave name given to me by my white parents. Jesus Christ, how much more time do I have in this fucking podcast? I usually like doing these things man but when my

fucking head is all clogged like this you know when I lay down in my slippers having to podcast with a head cold then that's a day's work people. Now I know you guys are out there doing construction. What the fuck do people do nowadays? Everybody air quote

works from home now which means they're out driving around on the highways during the day causing fucking rush hour traffic. You know what I mean? Because they saw something on Pinterest that they have to go pick up to add to their fucking wardrobe for their party that night. We should go back

to making our own clothes. We should go back to that. You make your own clothes you grow your own burgers. You want a fucking burger and go slaughter that cow and then you figure out how to freeze the rest of that meter. You're going to starve this winter there pilgrim. I think there's something like that's going to

happen. We're either going to regress to that after this shit hits the fan or this Illuminati stuff is true and the robots will kill all of us and that'd be amazing in the future right? It's this Illuminati city. Everybody's

dead except for the Illuminati people and the other people that they keep making they kept enough people with good genes that they make fuck each other so they keep making babies and stuff that they can use to fucking as almost like a parts car

for organs when they reach maturity. I know this is fucked up right? Sort of like Westworld meets a guy with a head cold doing a podcast on a Thursday. That's how I pitched this in Hollywood. I come in and say hello everybody. We do all this

small talk I read the fucking room try to figure out see where the laughs are going to be try to block out the ice cold person that douche was just sitting there fidgeting with their fucking pen

and I would just pitch the hell out of it. So then you have an Illuminati city and they feel like they've won actually prisoners because the robots have the city surrounded and they still have some robots

the older versions that are good that still work with the people but the latest update of the one went fucking rogue and killed a couple it was like the first people that died other than the parts people in like hundreds of years so they hit the fucking shield

and they got this big bubble like the Simpsons that one time they got this big bubble over the fucking city and they stay in there with the older version of the robots and they're the ones that have to try to protect them as the fucking higher level ones are trying to figure out how to get into the bubble

and that's what it is and this weird thing you'd have to root for these pieces shit humans so then obviously what would happen is you'd have a really good looking parts person like Ryan Gosling and he hi Nia

hi and he would somehow he'd bang like the hottest Illuminati person and she'd believe in him and then him and one of the lesser robots would then fucking defeat the next level robots

while freeing all the parts people and then killing the Illuminati people there you go and you could finish the story all the way through it and then get everybody to go to the second one and then all you have to do is just show up down at Comic Con wearing an Obi Wan Kenobi robe

and I think you got a billion dollar franchise what do you think Nia you like that movie? I love it what would you name that movie? Bill's great idea for a movie oh Jesus what are you doing on my phone?

I wasn't listening I'm texting myself those pictures the pictures you took of me earlier maybe that's it oh that's right forgot we had a kid come on you guys you know

somebody puts 10,000 hours into that idea you got yourself a good fucking movie movie movie there's a lot of hacky shit in there you know it's like Westworld meets fucking Joker with a dash of happy days

you know because at some point oh fucking Ron Howard directs Ryan Gosling stars he probably wouldn't do it because he already did Blade Runner do you guys see that one the 2048 Blade Runner that movie was the shit I just noticed I probably have been caught

in like every five fucking seconds on this I apologize I'm not gonna take a cough drop cough drops are for socialists alright anyways so you know when you do an interview when you got a fucking show coming up

they go Bill so what can people expect from you what are you gonna be talking about when you come to town well I can't fucking tell you that because then the jokes are gonna be over everybody's gonna know what I'm gonna be talking about one question is that you sound like you're still angry

what angers you these days I'm not angry it's just my my default emotion I walk around relaxed and then when anything happens good or bad I get it it's good I don't get angry I don't know

hey we got a new advertiser okay we somehow convinced somebody else to get on this sinking ship let's see here from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli I will type my fucking password

alright oh butchers box butchers box and we're not talking about his wife alright butchers box now these guys actually sent me a bag of fucking butchered meat and I had a steak the other day and my wife cooked it tell me I'm not running shit in my house

I was actually sick and she's a sweetheart and she cooked it and it was fucking delicious it was a giant portion so much that I've actually saved it for a little bit of steak and eggs later on this week butchers box delivers healthy 100% grass fed and finished beef

I don't know what finished means it means they butchered it free range organic chicken and heritage bread pork directly to your door on a monthly basis eat like you're in the Illuminati all their

products are humanely raised excuse me could you come over here if you wouldn't mind before I butcher you and never ever given antibiotics or hormones there you go if you don't want your kids to hit puberty at 8 butcher blocks butcher

blocks butcher box high quality healthy protein you can trust you can shake hands with these cows 100% grass fed and finished beef free range organic chicken we've said this heritage bread pork

what is rick flair out there that's old world pork before they bread out all of the fat and flavored to make it the other white meat a.k.a. this is pigs the way they were meant to be I gotta look up heritage bread pork that's fascinating

unbelievable taste like an old car with matching numbers unbelievable taste there's a huge different taste between animals raised on pasture and those fed in grain constant in concentration animal feed lot operations butcher box is changing that this is great there's more and more

these types of people gotta love it and they offer free shipping anywhere in this in the 48 states the lower 48 Alaska who's kidding who right you're fucking trapping your own meat in Hawaii you pineapples over 20% off plus free

bacon by going free bacon by going to butcherbox.com slash burr and using the discount code burr B U R R I tried this shit I ate this shit I love this shit I back this shit butcherbox.com slash burr

you know got time to go to the butcher sure use these guys I have to look up heritage bread pork you know every former president's always eating this shit right

here we go heritage bread pork heritage swine definition it's funny when somebody uses the word swine and it's not an insult I fucking love pigs there's certain animals that I you know I like

all animals but I fucking love pigs cooler than a little piglet running around definitely like ducks I like piglets he moves freak me out dogs are awesome cats I respect but you know what I mean

there's never any like sort of like every once in a while you meet a really cool fucking cat all right definitely but they got that Freddy Kruger claws and shit you know you turn around real quick and they're like practicing killing you you know you catch them stalking you and shit they're fucking weird

you wake up they're on your chest staring at you like that chicken misery all right purpose swine have been a part of the American agricultural landscape since the arrival of the New World colonists why do they have to go that fucking far back

this is why I don't read books Moby Dick get to the fucking whale sorry swine indigenous to Europe were brought with immigrants during the colonization of America can you imagine those fucking things on the wooden ship freaking the fuck out

riding over there with us hairless monkeys knowing they're gonna get killed and the many different types of swine they brought have provided pork lard pest control and land improvement services for centuries how to pork how to

pigs help with pest control because they fucking eat everything I have something else to look up this is how you lose a day on the internet because there's always an answer doesn't mean it's right but there's someone someone will have a page is what I think there's why there's what they do with bar mitz

modern bread associations contain pedigree registries of purebred animals for each breed that descends from these colonial these are like the fucking the blue bloods of pigs as well as later introductions

registration of animals destined to become breeding stock is essential to the long term security of the breeds registration validates purebred status of the animals and assures their availability for conservation by future generations many swines

many swines breed swine breeds that were once core components of regional cultures are now in danger of extinction as cultures of homogenized homogenized homogenized god I'm stupid

and historic agricultural traditions abandoned the flavors and food traditions that revolved around check out Monsanto for that one fucking lunatics definition of heritage swine I don't even know if it's Monsanto they're always the default people you blame

who knows allegedly Monsanto heritage swine must adhere to all of the following uno uh one ain't uh true genetic bread

the breed is a true genetic breed of swine that is when mated together it reproduces the breed type all right I guess this is from Europe uh 2 2

what is it I can't do the German endangered breed the breed is or has been endangered as defined by the livestock cons conservancy and appears on or is recovered from the cons

conservation priority list and the critically threatened Jesus Christ long history in the U.S pure bread I get it it's pure bread I like it they're fucking endangered and I'm eating them I'm eating the fucking pig version of a fucking bald eagle what the fuck I just I just shut that

off and I I wanted to what else did I want to look up what was it how do pigs control pests population eat bugs

not how how not how to bill how do okay here we go the information was forbidden practical feral pig control because feral pig population was the wild pigs anyways fuck this shit

how are there wild pigs by the way well those are farmers that got scalp by the Native Americans and they just their pigs just ran off continue to fuck for centuries you know I don't know I don't have the answers to these questions but I do have some bullshit

I have to do it 10 o'clock alright that is the podcast this was a weird one alright but we came up with a good movie idea we learned about heritage pigs and fucking swine from Europe

and goproans and Celtics about those Celtics and I try to wrap up these pesky fucking Milwaukee bucks you know I like that one guy on Milwaukee he looks like a fucking like a mid-size

minute bull really dark-skinned guy he had some fucking layup or some shit to go up by four in the second quarter and he shushed the crowd like he just hit a game winning three there's a second quarter and then they go on to lose the game

I just don't I don't understand these kids today alright everybody have a great weekend you cunts and I'll see everybody in Atlanta and I'll see you listen to the music and enjoy another half hour of greatest hits from a Thursday

just before Friday Monday morning podcast Thursday earlier this year possibly this decade alright I'll see ya I hey what's going on it's bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast from Monday April

26 April April 26 2010 how the hell are you I'm a little late today with the podcast doing it 343 Los Angeles time you probably want to like do what the fuck you're supposed to be doing these Monday morning

that's why you call it the Monday morning podcast so when I come to work on Monday morning I have something to listen to rather than focusing on the fucking job that I hate well you're right I am late this week but you know what I was busy fucking busy this week

I was doing shit this morning you know what I mean and also not to mention I am filming this podcast for the first time ever I am allowing somebody else into the Monday morning podcast bunker until now people just had to use their imagination

to wonder what the fuck does bill look like while he does this podcast is he wearing a tuxedo maybe a dinner jacket is he sitting there you know I'm not I'm in pajamas in my t-shirt with my little radio check headphones on just the exact way that you pictured me

but I am filming it this week because my DVD is just about complete and now we are working on extras and I think my last DVD I did the I did a little short history a bunch of clubs that I loved in New York

so you kind of got that whole background and I figured maybe I'll do this maybe I'll film the podcast edit out the hours and hours of unfunny moments right see you're gonna actually hear the whole fucking podcast these idiots who bought my DVD who are gonna watch it just be like oh my god

this is the greatest fucking thing I've ever seen because of the wonderful world of editing so you're probably thinking like what are you doing bill and you're gonna edit it that's not consistent with the moron that I'm used to listening to well you're right I'm not I have the wonderfully talented Brian Spitz

is working the camera yep that was him right there he actually shot my failed pilot last year on Comedy Central remember that one? that was fun and we got excited didn't we we were like it's gonna happen honestly it was a great fucking show wasn't it

probably one of the best pilots ever made in the history in the history of failed pilots I would say we yeah we weren't we just failed as opposed to just a complete failure it'd be like if a passing grade

was 60 I think we got about 58 on that you know the weird thing is it's actually up on my IMDb page that's what I love I don't know who put it up there but you're not supposed to put shit on there that isn't on TV at least in cinema

or whatever I don't know how to take it down you'll take it care okay thank you can you actually call IMDb? I don't know that sounded good I'm gonna call that website

and get those guys on the phone to see what's up so if you're ever wondering what the burr effect was that was just a working title that we gave it to him it never aired and it won't air unless I'm hugely famous or infamous that's basically it

if I become a huge movie star or television star you'll probably end up seeing it in some form or if I go to a mall and I just start fucking killing puppies at the local pet store or whatever the fuck you do I wouldn't say shooting because everybody's done the shooting thing

isn't that like hacky at this point you know what I mean it's like if I was a comedian and I started talking about airline food basically walking in to a mall massacring people I think it's hacky at this point you know? yawn

if I can be so bold to say I'm fucking bored with that shit but anyways let's get to me in my big fucking week do you guys have a big week? well if you didn't let me fucking tell you about my big week first of all I don't know if I've been talking about this on the podcast as I settle into my sofa

basically everything that identified me as the person that I am a month ago either it was expiring or I didn't have it you know I basically could not prove

that I existed with any sort of paper you know? my passport was expiring, my driver's license I needed to get that thing for about fucking 2 years I'm not gonna lie to you when you first move out to Los Angeles I think they give you about 6 weeks to get it and I've almost been out here for 3 fucking years so

and my New York license was expiring I didn't have a Social Security card that I could produce I had the number the Illuminati gave me a fucking number when I was 8 years old let's get him on the wheel let's get him on the wheel, let's get him in debt

are you in college? are you making 200 bucks a week? hey, here's a Visa card we'll give you a $3,000 limit don't worry, don't worry give us 25 bucks a week and just get it up to you and we'll fucking own your ass alright? so I didn't have that what else didn't I have?

am I birth certificate? I had nothing I had nothing so I was like fuck I gotta handle this shit cause all of a sudden now I'm doing gigs in Europe I think I'm going to Japan to perform for the troops I need pieces of paper saying I am who I am

and I have not done anything fucked up so in one month I got my passport renewed I went down to the Social Security office I got that fucking thing I found my birth certificate and the last thing I needed was my driver's license so you figure alright the driver's license

I mean that's a pain in the ass to take the fucking test you know? you ever notice like what a pussy you become as an adult when it comes to tests? like I think once you don't take a test for what you're used to it as a kid people are always testing you we're having a spelling test

we're having a vocabulary test we're testing you you know? are you going to be a fucking man? you know? you Charles Bronson at age 12 or are you fucking Richie Cunningham who I was

and got bullied and sees no reason to go back to a fucking reunion now it wasn't that bad you know what I'll be honest with you when was it bad? maybe elementary school beginning of middle school that wasn't a good look

that wasn't the look you wanted to rock as the youth says so anyways I have to take my driver's test out here and I brought it up with a couple other Los Angelinos and straight across the board everybody was telling me

like they had horror in their eyes at how difficult this fucking test was going oh my god dude dude it's fucking hard it's fucking hard they kept saying that dude it's fucking hard and I had this girl at this party have you been to the DMV out here?

oh my god it's not like the DMV anyway else LA it's just like it's own deal and I kept saying well I've been to the DMV I've been to it I know it's crowded and she just kept going no no you don't understand and there's nothing worse than somebody just tells you

like you don't understand it's like somebody from Chicago when you try to tell them it was a cold winter you don't know what cold is until you're standing there rubbing your balls next to fucking Lake Michigan you know like it's fucking minus 20 degrees in Boston but still

my family all came from fucking the Midwest anytime I had a paper and I bitch about the cold let me tell you you don't know cold go to Chicago let me tell you go to Chicago all those fucking idiots had some good barbecue oh dude you don't know barbecue go to fucking Texas that's where they got the like

they're the only people who know that shit alright I got a little upset there don't hold it against me so anyways uh so everybody's telling me I don't know what the fucking DMV is you know what all this does this just motivates me to pass this fucking test in the first time so I can just so I can justify me judging

all these LA douchebags like they're just mentally weak fucking people so I start studying the test get the book and it's like 90 pages I was like fuck alright whatever break it down gonna do 30 pages a day I outline this book

what are you doing right now sitting in your cubicle instead of working looking at your spreadsheets what are you doing I hear what I fucking outlined the book I outlined the book 30 pages had a fucking time meticulously like Tom Hanks in that movie when he was chasing Leonardo DiCaprio

catch me if you can I was like that that level of shit and I was I I just you know fucking broke the whole book down and then I sat there every day for 45 minutes an hour and I went over all this shit and two days before the test Saturday I actually took the sections out

that I that I still was having problem with and I just fucking went hardcore on that section memorized that and went through my all my outline I knew the whole fucking thing you want to ask me some questions you want to talk about parking near railroad tracks I got a fucking answer for you seven and a half feet

if you're inside a seven and a half feet you're fucked 18 inches from the curb three feet from a fucking handicap ramp you know one of these fucking guys rolling by asking you for a quarter those guys can't get like three feet close to those guys 15 feet from a hydrant you got to start signaling

100 feet before you make a turn you get in the turning lane you can only drive in it for 200 feet you can't use it as a passing lane I had this shit down so I'm like fuck all these people I walked in there confident I'm talking Kobe Bryant eight seconds left give me the fucking ball alright I ironed my shirt

I knew I was getting a picture that day for my license it could be nothing but success so I walk in there I don't know what happened immediately I start getting fucking nervous you know like the first time I did Letterman alright like the first fucking time you do anything I'm fucking getting nervous I've taken this fucking test

four different times took it in Boston passed it New York passed it came out of LA 10 years ago I passed it moved back to New York passed the thing why am I fucking nervous because these fucking LA assholes their voices are in my head dude dude fucking hard dude I fucking failed you know I forgot to mention

they all said the same shit why they failed it it's because they didn't study the first time because I thought it was going to be easy because they drive every day do you realize how just think of how stupid that statement is dude I drive every day I know how to do it it's those little things

you know like what does a white curb mean you know you come up and it's painted white what does that mean loading and unloading of passengers are picking up mail yellow curb what does that mean loading and unloading of freight if you're not in a commercial vehicle the driver has to stay with the car I study for the shit

give me the rock it's fucking going in and we're going to the next round of the playoffs I was ready for that shit and I went in there and I maybe there was just the overall anxiety the fucking place but I do the whole shit first of all I do what I always do

at the DMV is I just blow off the line and I act like I didn't see it and then I'm some sort of like you know royalty like I'm actually staying at the embassy for some fucking country you never heard of I'm that guy you know when you stand in line and you follow

the rules and then you get up to the fucking cashier lady and then there's that douche she was just standing there to the side respectively half an inch just behind your peripheral but you know he's there and you can't have a pause in your conversation because you know that asshole is going to jump in that's who the fuck I was I said hey I'm sorry buddy

sorry and I wasn't sorry that was me really being like dude I'm interrupting you right now and I said I gotta take this you know I had a previous you know a schedule appointment where do I go like oh you go around the corner whatever so thank the guy I wasn't saying thank you I don't know what the fuck I was doing I was just trying to prevent the guy from

punching me in the face because I deserved it and I went over to go take the fucking test and I'm standing there and they only got like this walled off area okay and this how confident I was I didn't even I didn't even brush up out in the parking lot I was just like bring this shit on

you want me to take LeBron I fucking got him right so I walk in there right and and you gotta wait to like they only allow like five people in there at a time so the first dude walks out and you know they got the black dude behind the counter like the host scared straight you need to get your shit

together kind of dude you know and I'm just sitting there going oh fuck here we go here we go this fucking guy this guy's breaking hearts all day and he doesn't even give a fuck look at a look on his face he doesn't give a fuck that Bill Parcell's look on his face right so this fucking Indian dude comes up and he and he hands him a thing

and the guy just fucking puts red all over it and the guy fails and then I'm like oh fuck the Indian guy these guys are fucking smart right Indian guys are smart they fucking answer our phones over here I can't answer phones if somebody from India called me you know give myself a fake Indian name these fucking people are smart

these people were running shit until the English fucked them over right this guy fucking passed then I calm myself down like wait a minute this is a second language this is his second language if I went to France could I pass the drivers test fuck no alright don't compare yourself to that guy then

the next dude came up and it was a slacker this white kid who had like tight jeans yet they were hanging off his ass and I just wanted to boot him right in this fucking taint he passes so it gave me hope and I went in there I got the test okay I get eight hours sleep I took a deep breath

and I'm like here we go I have the test right in front of me the first one was some bullshit about what is the legal alcohol level you know that you can drive and I'm like this is a fucking joke I'm gonna ace this test and dude I'm gonna tell you right now

after the first question it just went down fucking hill listen to these questions I'm studying all this shit about how close to park to a curve a curve and all that shit you must notify the DMV within five days if you sell or transfer your vehicle are cited for a traffic

violation that's eat that's obviously no paint your vehicle a different color so my god fuck I didn't read that part I don't remember that part sell or transfer your vehicle painted a different color five days sell or transfer your vehicle don't you have to

fucking tell them right then I want they automatically know with the satellites they won't see that transaction go down on the fucking driveway dude and then this is panic just like and I and I was like oh my god what the fuck and I got like six questions

in and I literally put the number two pencil down and I whispered yell I went really as I looked at the black dude when he wasn't looking at me of course totally passive aggressive and dude I'm not gonna lie to you this fucking test was brutal it's a fucking brutal

like you know usually we take a multiple choice test it's like this the obvious the half right and then the fucking ridiculous like when you drink a glass of water should you a make sure you have enough air in your lungs

before sucking down the entire glass and if you do run out of air stop drinking and inhale you know be smash the glass against your head you know obvious shit right this shit was like when is it legal to use a cell phone I have the test right here

without a hands-free device while driving okay when is it legal to use a cell phone without using a hands-free device huh you got an answer when making a call while stopped at a red light that's obviously no but here's the two close ones when making a call for

emergency assistance or never when is it legal to use a cell phone hands-free people hands-free hands-free device and there's all this shit on TV going if you use your cell phone it's as bad as fucking drinking and driving

in the book it said never and it said you could use it to make an emergency call after you fucking pulled over and all that bullshit look for somebody riding a bike you know looking for an old guy in one of those tricycles

all of that shit so this just said when making a call for emergency assistant it didn't say you pulled over it didn't say you didn't pull over so I fucking panicked and I wrote never got it wrong alright this is that's fucking stories taken 10 times long

and how long it took me to study for the fucking test long story short out of 18 questions I got 15 right 3 wrong I fucking passed the test but I owe an apology to all you Los Angelinos this was a hard ass fucking test

it was difficult you guys are all talking shit cause you're relaxed right now right you find another difficult one here highways are typically most slippery this is a desert question cause it doesn't rain out here and what happens is when it doesn't rain for a while oil, transmission

fluid and gas all starts to coagulate and when it rains it's like I can't say it's like ice but god knows people drive like it out here but this is the question it says what the fuck was it highways are typically most slippery during a heavy rain storm in the middle of

in the middle of summer alright middle of summer it's fucking dry out you know maybe that's it then it says when it first starts to rain after a dry spell well yeah yeah after a dry spell absolutely

but the summers dry what the fuck right so at this point my fucking heart rate is going like 9000 beats a second and then it says after it's been raining for a long time if it's been raining for a long time the roads are wet it's gonna still be fucking slippery but I know it has to do with it being dry

out here so I fucking broke that one down I'm like alright it's the middle of summer it's a heavy fucking rain storm who's to say it didn't fucking rain heavily the day before and already washed all the gas off so then I so I guessed when it first starts to rain

after a dry spell and I was fucking right but that's the level you had to break this shit down alright so I passed that's it they took my thumbprint the fucking Illuminati you know sent that right to the Rothschild's fucking house do you know those sons of bitches actually have the audacity

the Rothschilds to have a book about the giant fucking house they bought in England off of all their fucking Shylock money from the rest of us do you believe you believe the fucking balls of that evidently there's something beyond a mansion it's called a manor

that's when you take like fucking 12 mansions and you put them together and like people don't even know how to get to your house like I can guarantee you something right fucking now oh this is a great way to see if they're running shit you know when you google maps

like if you google map where the fuck I live not only can you see my place you can probably see my brand new social security card no one gives a fuck about me but if you google map the Rothschild's house I guarantee you it doesn't fucking show up in a goddamn white house because they're running shit

and you know what they have my thumbprint on their fucking wall of their fucking nine mile wine cellar does that make any sense well it shouldn't because I don't read alright I don't fucking read anyways what else do I got going on here

that wasn't bad huh for being filmed I didn't seem too self-conscious look at that got a big nod eyebrows up I think it's going good the first filmed Monday morning podcast this is what I do if you've been listening to this I'm talking to the camera right now not to you go back to work you've been fucking off already for 19 minutes and 40 seconds

this is what I do every week I sit here in my in my pajamas in my little footlocker t-shirt you know is this footlocker I don't know what the fuck this is footlocker like 87 t-shirts for like nine dollars if you ever wondered

if you ever wondered hey did a three year old put this shirt together or was the person at least 16 you can never be more sure than when you go to footlocker and you buy those fucking t-shirts when you get like nine of them for eight bucks that's guaranteed that that's not even child that's like

toddler toddler fucking labor be funny if I could fucking say it so this is what I do every week okay this is what I do so if you want to listen to the podcast go to billbird.com click on Monday morning podcast you hate your fucking job hopefully they'll be on iTunes at this point they will be

I'm gonna talk shit they're gonna be on iTunes you know I have like 14 listeners I'm trying to get it up to 15 whatever whatever the fuck you want from me alright let's plow okay I'm back I'm back doing the podcast alright let's get to the stories this week I uh that was the first

story I'm just gonna tell some stories this week I got another one for you I'm at this point do you want me to pause Brian and go into another room to give people something visually different to look at should I do that alright let's try to hit pause here this is gonna be really quick for you people listening at home

I'm gonna pause and then we're back so I'm pausing right now so we'll put some bookshelves in there alright yeah we'll put bookshelves in there okay we're back we decided you know what we already tried to do this and I fucking lost the whole podcast so we're not doing it I'm recording right now you don't need to record this

you're not gonna use this on a DVD this is just for the poor bastards at home listening I actually so that's my deal everybody I'm moving shit around my apartment right now this is exciting it's exciting to auto in an audio way to hear that it isn't I know it's not dude you know what

is there any doctors that listen to this how fucking arrogant is that like they have time between surgery to listen to a moron like me well a lot of doctors are arrogant anyways they save people's lives they get that God complex just let you know dude that's my water alright that's yours over there okay just let you know

I mean I like you and everything alright you did a great job on the pilot but let's let's keep it there um I fucked up the archer my foot I did it years ago from playing drums trying to get my foot as fast as John Bonham's having no fucking technique

and not having stretch so that that tendon that runs from the ball of your fucking foot to your heel every once in a while I fuck it up and it just takes forever to heal I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it alright I stretch I got the tennis ball rubbing underneath it

I know I'm not supposed to walk around but that's what I do okay I use my feet a lot of people don't you know if you walk into a McDonald's and you see those people that's what they use their feet for to walk to their car to sit in

their car and then they don't even go in anymore they just drive right up so I want to know what else can I be doing is there any sort of aspirin that I can be taking to get the fucking inflammation down and you probably wondered okay you're probably asking me this Bill because not being

able to use your foot is fucking annoying it goes beyond that doctor so and so I'll tell you what my problem is my problem is I'm going back east for a friend of mine's daughter is graduating college and I have to

go to the graduation and I'm getting together with some people I used to play drums with we used to jam with back in the day when we all thought we were going to get on MTV and be the latest hair metal band the fact that you had a red head and a hair metal band and

then he could only grow a fucking afro right there should have let you know that you weren't going to make it so long story short we're getting together and rather than going back and playing the music we played in the 80s because that would just be too sad to go back and play my Michelle

or whatever the fuck we used to play let's do something more contemporary I've always played single bass drum and I became a huge fan of Pantera and shit so I go let's do Cowboys from Hell and it's got this insane double bass part and the second I said that shit I fucked up my foot and I haven't been able to practice

and meanwhile the guitar player, the bass player they're all shredding ignoring their children so and here I am going to be the foundation of the band and my foot's fucked up so I need a quick leave I need something

I need something fucking quickly here that is there anything that I can take that that will just you know I don't want to take roids from my foot coming there with my right foot twice as big as my left foot I don't need that I have one big Jason, Giammi, Roger Clemens foot

and the other one's walking around like Willie McGee I don't need that shit tell me what do I take aspirin come on podcast fucking free can you email me a prescription or that just

literally end your fucking days as a doctor let's continue on with the podcast as I sit here rolling a tennis ball underneath my foot the next thing oh here's a great story for you Brian you might like this do you know I was a hero this week I was actually

I did something heroic I have never done anything heroic in my life okay and believe me I've walked by house fires and saw people screaming saying there's a ladder right there just put it up and I walked away

I walked away sounded like I didn't hear him I'm not kind of a fucking guy um no this is the deal it was uh Sunday and you know people go to brunch on Sunday I'm like alright fuck it I'll go to brunch I'll go to brunch right remember that bit huh $18

is that asbestos how did that bit go I thought it was pesto it's asparagus I can't even remember so we go to brunch and uh you know it's usual shit do you want to sit inside you want to sit outside as a redhead I'm always going inside let's fucking sit inside

I've got enough freckles I've had enough fucking pain in my life please let's sit inside but you know I'm always with broads cause they always want to go to brunch let's sit outside it's so nice it's always fucking nice when they go to brunch it's never raining is it right

so alright let's sit outside so we sit outside and because I'm the gentleman I have to sit with my back to the road so I can brace you know and protect my girlfriend and her mom in case a bread truck comes flying in cause the guy's text messaging or something right so

I'm sitting there and uh all of a sudden I just feel it I just feel like something's fucking wrong and something my caveman DNA like when you're getting stalked by a saber tooth tiger just kicks in and something just tells me to fucking look left and I look left

and here comes this crazy fucking lady and I'm talking crazy I'm talking Shutter Island you remember that chick that shushed Leonardo DiCaprio is that the second Leonardo DiCaprio fucking reference there you go you remember that chick who shushed him in Shutter Island

that's what this girl looked like except with sort of brownish red hair okay it's basically one of these people who should be getting professional help is straight up batshit crazy and uh this just this state is bankrupt so they just let him go

they just let these fucking people go you know see Sarah McLaughlin whining about these people come out and rescue these fucking these people who are talking to telephone poles it's all about the dogs with her her priorities are so fucked up it's ridiculous I hope she sees this

I am so disappointed in you Sarah McLaughlin huh when are you gonna grow up and stop whining about those little pussy ass fucking dogs alright that was mean alright let's get back to it so she starts coming down the street and she's like she looks like she's gonna start fucking crying okay like

and it's just one of those things you know you just feel this fucking person is gonna do something and I have a feeling they're gonna do it to me so I'm working out my shit I'm like fortunately the chairs with these really light wicker sort of kind of douchey brunchy chairs so I was just gonna grab the fucking chair

and I was gonna smash her in the face if I didn't have time or if I had time I was gonna leap to my feet on my bad fucking foot and out like a lion tamer get back crazy person right start whipping her with the fucking tulips on the nice beautiful

brunch table that's what I was gonna do so she doesn't lunge at me but she walks by me and is that awful moment the blind spot you know what I mean where she's not to my left she's not to my right she's right behind me and she fucking goes by me and I'm like thank god like I was seriously fucking nervous

and I look left again just to you know I don't know why I look left again and then I see this fucking sad looking woman slowly following the crazy person with this look on her face like she had been wronged next thing I know

next thing I fucking know she's talking to the table next to us and talking to us talking about how that crazy woman had just walked up to her reached up to her sweater and just fucking ripped I know she had a brooch she just

fucking took it off her chest and walked away with it and I'm looking at the lady and she has the lady and she has this fucking hole in her sweater where something had clearly been ripped off and for the life of me I don't know why I immediately just got up

I don't know why I have no fucking idea why I don't do this shit I get up and now I'm going down the street following the shutter island lady with no training whatsoever in this situation I'm literally walking and now I couldn't sit down

I couldn't get sit down like I have this this fucking Lee Marvin I'm gonna make shit right moment and then I go you know what maybe I'll sit down I look at the biggest pussy ever and not only my girlfriend there my mother's there so I had to keep going so now I'm following this girl and I'm literally

I've never been so fucking nervous in my life because it would have been bad enough if it was like a crazy dude a crazy guy is scary but at least you know if it gets physical I mean what are the rules in that do you know Brian you know you can't hit a woman but what if she's

crazy and she just stole a brooch how about a jab just kind of get her mitt in the face like Larry Holmes so she doesn't see the overhand right anyways I don't know what to do so but I can't go back to the table I'm gonna look like a bitch in front of my girlfriend and my mom so I'm like

fuck why did I get up why did I get up why didn't I why didn't I say sit inside I wanted to sit inside but I didn't want to seem like a rude prick in front of my girlfriend's mom like I tell her what to do like she's this kept fucking woman so now I'm in this situation so I'm walking down the street and this is what I

do she's on the sidewalk I'm literally in the street okay I'm like is that circumnavigation I'm doing some police shit where I'm staying outside of whatever she can throw at me scratching it's one of these people you got to get like a tetanus shot if you roll around the ground or hepatitis or some

shit so I'm like what am I gonna do what do I do so I don't know what happened I just said I I basically I just started going hey hey sweetheart hey sweetie I basically I think I started calling her affectionate names from like the 1940s

hey fucking tall drink of water and I finally got her attention and she turns around and looks at me with this crazy look with tears in her eyes and I just say I think you have something that doesn't belong to you and meanwhile there's a

fucking pathetic lady who just let her walk up to her to begin with it's like he didn't see that she was crazy that's why I'm in this situation right she fucking she ends up walking up to the girl and when I said I think you have something that doesn't belong to you she just sort of looked at me like in slow motion lifted up her left arm

and she had this green pea soup looking sweater on and she had the brooch pinned to like just right around her wrist and she just held it up so at this point I'm like I'm not touching this bitch hahaha so I let

the fucking victim lady with the sad puppy dog eyes she comes in and I'm basically sitting there like an NHL ref with respect for two goons that are about ready to go at it right and I'm just going to jump in when I see that I can

jump in to stop this this fight that's going to happen without getting hit myself and so anyways the lady starts unpinning the brooch and the whole time she basically followed my lead by being nice she just kept going thank you I really appreciate it

I really appreciate this and she couldn't get the fucking thing off it was like one of those action movies with like the clocks going down for the bomb and I'm sitting there going lady in my head I'm like would you get that fucking brooch off this crazy bitch's arm and I just kept looking at her right hand because I knew at some point she was either going to gouge her eye out

just do some crazy shit right like you know the scrap metal that these people pick up and floss their teeth which she was just going to stick her right in the jugular so finally long story short she gets the fucking brooch off and then we back away

it was like a exchange like we gave some money briefcase and we got the abducted kid back and we fucking walk away and I'm like oh fuck thank god thank god that worked out and I actually walked back to the brunch alright walk back to the brunch and I got a fucking applause break

from like all these people eating eggs benedict and eggs florentine it was fucking awesome I was a god damn hero this week people a scared nervous fucking hero dude I'm telling you Brian I didn't come within

seven feet of this woman I was literally you know you know fucking the avenue out there I'm not going to say where because I don't need psychos knowing where the fuck I live you know like I'm anywhere near that level of notoriety I was literally fucking like she's where that wall is over there I'm going hey hey sweetheart

do people who didn't know what was going on they probably thought it was some construction worker hitting on her look at the fucking gams on her so uh yeah that was my week that was my week people I got my past my fucking drivers test and I was a god damn hero

huh what did you do this week you know what that reminds me of what was that shitty action movie that ended that way that starred that emaciated bitch that fucking uh I was going to say Brian Johnson Brad Pitt stating what's her name Natasha Roboninsky she's got one of those I'm a hot girl names

what's her name Angelina you ever seen a fucking ugly girl named Angelina Natasha Brooke that's like a hell of a gamble you just know your daughter is is fucking is gonna be hot right and she's gonna go

for the money she's going for the gold so uh yeah what was that movie she did where she was the assassin the whole movie was kind of okay and then the movie ends with blah blah blah and then it ends he goes what the fuck did you do today yeah no no not mrs mr smith

it was the one after that morgan freeman was in it and they they they'd shoot the gun and the fucking bullet would would go this is driving everybody on the podcast nuts cause they know the name of it well the movie basically ends he goes what the fuck did you do today I mean they got pissed I watched a mediocre movie did I say

meteoric mediocre alright whatever go fuck yourselves okay this is what 35 minutes in 35 minutes in this is gonna be like I said it's gonna be a DVD extra and if you're watching this I probably should have said this earlier maybe we'll do it in the wraparounds not to talk shop

I was gonna say where the fuck you can go see this get this podcast but here's something new for some of you who've actually found my podcast which I love at this point to actually find my podcast it's like a fucking test really weeding out the computer illiterate of which I probably couldn't even find

my own podcast unless I if I didn't do it anyways we have a new fan page it's www.themmpodcast.com www.capitalletters mmp and then I'll lowercasepodcast.com I explain that bad

the mmp are all capital letters alright fuck you www.themmpodcast.com go there I definitely think there'll be some pictures of Lee and I are de Caprio I make references to shit sometimes people don't know what it is the movie that I could remember the name of if it's driving you nuts that'll be up there

and whatever else I fucking talked about and there's YouTube videos and all that type of shit of which this week you know what I don't have any YouTube videos I gotta admit I was hardcore studying for this impossibly difficult test

what else do I got you want me to move again so we can have something different what else would I go I went from the the sofa well I was gonna go into another room but I'm so paranoid then I'm gonna uh I gotta stand up here for a second

maybe I'll be standing up here can you get that can you get that with the camera is this interesting to you people at all oh here's one for you the conspiracy theory somebody sent me something from uh from England alright cause the 14 listeners of my podcast I'm going

to be national with my failure was saying that in England they're actually experimenting with um using satellite to catch speeders satellite technology to catch speeders can you fucking believe that

somewhere in the middle of that I just lost all outrage I knew I was fucking pissed I stood up and I just realized I was really hungry that's that's one of those things that you got to understand you're starving to death if you sit down it doesn't feel as bad you know you ever watch those things when Sally Struthers back in the day

used to be next to those starving kids and what would you see they were always sitting down or laying down and you think it's because they're weak it isn't they could stand up if they wanted to but you just feel hungry there's something about your pancreas sort of fills up that spot I'll fuck you I know

I don't know what I'm talking about um alright let's get back to conspiracy theories here's a conspiracy theory somebody sent me this week somebody sent me this this week as I put my podcast in my lap low level of radiation going into my nuts right now you know what they should they should make the bottom of that give you some sort of

optional lead suit with these things you know I think that would be a great thing if Billy Mills was still alive if you could make like some sort of cell phone lead helmet that comes in like three different colors a manly color color a womanly color and then uh

pattern there you go and then when it becomes huge then you start putting sport logos on it didn't they do that with the snuggie then you can get like a red skin snuggie for all those people who get cold while watching football dude I'm telling you man that's how

I'm gonna parachute out of this fucking business I gotta come up with some bullshit and just you know I scream all the time when I do my jokes I don't know if you ever know this is prime but I don't know how to write a joke so what I do is I say fuck a lot and then I just scream it you know and then the

the reverb of me yelling you can't hear that there was no laughter afterwards so I already know how to do the Billy Mays thing so all we can do is just come up with some hunk of shit old people old people that's where you gotta go like you ever go and kill me when I went to fucking Dwayne Reed one time and I saw that booster chair for the toilet seat

I was just like fuck that's brilliant 20 million later yeah 20 million later you start in a booster chair and you end in a booster chair if you're lucky if you don't end in a booster chair that means you got hit by a bus and what would you rather do

there's a question for you would you rather get hit by a bus at 42 banging some of the hot ass hottest ass on the planet you know or would you rather live to be 70 booster chair in the toilet I've talked about this before right your old balls

hanging in the toilet water hahahaha that's why they have the booster chairs so your nuts won't hit the water oh my god is it the 80s again what's the deal what fucking booster chairs um yeah this is the podcast let's get on to the next thing

alright that was me giving you a little button there this is the podcast and we're out alright conspiracy of the week Bill you often talk about conspiracies yes I do this may or may not fall into that category but it definitely pisses me off I love this guy already I don't know if this is a conspiracy

but it fucking pisses me off eyeball the eyeball with you so far buddy alright I get my cable and internet service bundled together from time Warner last month with my bill I got an insert stating that they were modifying their privacy

policy basically it states time Warner reserves the right to distribute my internet content with or without my consent from my understanding this could mean anything from the searches I requested from Google to the websites I have been

to what rights do we have in this country anymore just venting alright dude yeah absolutely basically what they've been doing the entire fucking time since the beginning of the internet is now becoming legal

so for all you people out there who always thought like I love when you watch like those those talk shows and they talk about um sexting like your text messaging you know I want to fuck you from behind whatever why that's sexy I have no idea

you know do you think that thumbs tremble but whatever I'm not going to judge or like they talk about skype sex and they'll be like why do these people do this why would somebody who would never and they always bring a psychologist on right they always have a beard so you know

that they majored in psychology right then they go they always say the same shit and they'll be just like well it's the anonymity of it they feel anonymous and in that situation they they do things that they normally wouldn't

done well first of all people it's not anonymous you dumb fucks it isn't they just saying it's anonymous they just said it we don't think that they're building a file on you it's all these fucking morons who've lived the life of this straight and narrow get on skype

and they stick their junk right in the camera you're an idiot you're done you're already done because they're building robots right now to fucking replace all of us and what did you but they're going to keep some of us because somebody's got to oil their fucking robot

joints and what did you do you stuck your dick in the camera your processed it's over it's over you got to take the driver's test I wouldn't even do that you're gonna get processed just like those people in that fucking movie with that guy

who just died I can never remember the name what's the name of Patrick Swayze was in it Blood Force Thunder New America what the fuck was it called here come the Russians pissing the radiator all that hatred's gonna

gonna eat you up keeps me warm remember that he was in it the kid who was in Soul Man was in it and he shot his friend avenge me come on red dawn Jesus Christ Brian you're a fucking

director do you get that man would you get let you let that panic that brain panic okay you just got it okay good I thought it was only me yeah absolutely know this people if you want to watch porn like porn the porn industry is fucking is going through what the music

industry is going through right now where all of a sudden the shit just became free alright so now everybody's fucking whacking off on the internet thinking nobody's watching what you're fucking rubbing your shit out to they're all watching and they're building a fucking file alright you think alright haven't you

noticed why the presidents keep getting worse and worse and they keep fucking getting on their knees and blowing the banks more and more it's because of the internet all they gotta do is break out their internet file and show them some of this shit that they know that they jerked off to and it's

over it's fucking over you gotta do everything that they're gonna say they're gonna expose you they don't even need to take it to Dallas anymore that's old school that's why Kennedy got shot in the head if there was an internet he'd still be walking around talking right now cutting the ribbon at his fucking library shit in his pants

he would give the eulogy at fathead Ted's fucking funeral um yeah so that's that's what I'm saying okay if you want to if you want to jerk off to something freaky I would say go to a porn store and just deal with the fact that the guy behind the counter is gonna know what you got

pay cash and walk away it's a done deal but if you're gonna go on the internet hahahaha and do some of this shit that you're doing all you can hope now is that you're gonna get lost in the shuffle actually you can continue

to do what you're doing as long as you never try to affect if you never try to effectively change you know what I mean that's that's when they break out your internet file other than that it just goes on a fucking database but the second you start a movement going you know what dude

I'm sick of paying 25 bucks to my first bag when I get on a plane if you get enough people behind you united will now go to Time Warner be like yeah Russell Johnson yeah open his file what is he jerk what's the most fucked up thing he's jerked off to

hahahaha that is the end of the movement because then fucks news will get it and they'll just be turns out Russell Johnson jerked off to a tranny in a midget last week this is the guy who's gonna lead us don't get me wrong I'm doing Glenn Beck

that fucking guy Jesus Christ I respect those guys because they're in show business I just wish maybe they can't admit that they're in show business it's like wrestling for the longest time they couldn't say that it was fake but now you know at some point come on just say look we're doing fake news we know we know who's gonna win in the end of this shit

it's all horrible alright how much time are we up to him 46 fucking minutes for those of you at home I do 50 minutes every week it's a free fucking podcast admit it you don't like your job maybe you don't like your wife maybe you don't like yourself you need a laugh on a Monday I do this

for free out of the goodness of my heart see that Brian I've been a hero every fucking Monday maybe that's what inspired me hahahaha you know what takes it away that you can tell that I'm an out I'm a piece of shit because if I was a true fucking hero I wouldn't have told

you that story I wouldn't have brought it up on the podcast it's like a heathen I'm praying in public right now I should have just done some heroic shit and walked away that's when your bad ass right explosion you don't even look at it that's what I should have done and I didn't you know why because I'm a fucking

coward and I'm I'm fucking blown away by the fact that I you know Bill it was a chick you know what's funny is she weighed like 70 pounds that's the funny thing but she was crazy that's that's mental steroids when you're crazy they can all of a sudden pick you up do the airplane spin like sergeant

slaughter did he do that he didn't do that did he hear the fucking cobra clutch all right let's wrap this podcast up with the overrated underrated segment and this segment is people send in stuff that they feel is overrated or underrated they make a list I comment

on it and hopefully hopefully it's hilarious I will tell you what is fucking overrated is buying a goddamn shoe rack are you like me are you to the point where your feet have stopped growing you don't throw out your fucking sneakers and you got 58 of them

and you got shoes and you got boots and all that type of crap I got all of that shit and they were filling up my fucking closet I'm like all right I gotta get one of those shoe racks okay but I need one that can hold a bunch of shoes don't look at the picture on the outside of the box because they put fucking doll shoes

on those goddamn racks and it looks like you can easily fit three four pairs of breast and then you come home one pair of Timberlands and a fucking flip-flop and that's a whole level then you can't take it back it's this whole fucking thing annoyed me that's overrated overrated is doing that

just leave your sneakers on the fucking floor you know what when you go down to fucking I was gonna say Grossman's go down to Home Depot and build your own shoe rack for a fucking adult I'm literally sweating in my own apartment here make me am I gonna be sweaty on the podcast look at me

who is that who's this guy for those people at home huh who is that guy remember that coach I don't remember his coach either but he coached the team out in Vegas someone with a T it was like an old Elmer Fudd like if Elmer Fudd fucked on Zimmer that's what he looked like Jesus that was insulting all right

his one from somebody underrated Quincy the show Quincy the Fonz and Sam Malone get all the credit for getting the ladies but Quincy got just as much ass as any of them it seemed like he had a different chick on his on his houseboat every episode he was basically

a silent assassin the best part of it is that he used the word broad to refer to the ladies those were different times they really were they really were Jack Klugman is Quincy that was like that was the end of an era remember that Brian you ever like you

when we were growing up the casting couch when guys ran this fucking business and now look you know what's funny is they thought if the ladies if they ran it it would be it would be better but it isn't it's just is unbalanced

the other fucking direction now you got a bunch of pussies on TV who are afraid of their wives you know Ralph Cramby used to threaten every week that's what I loved about that show because they still have one but he's still physically intimidator you know like Larry Johnson

he had that power forward respect on that show that's all I'm looking for just show a guy in a relationship who's getting a little bit of fucking respect you know alright I'm going over my time here the last thing we're going to talk about is bad covers I talked last week somebody Mary J Blige did a cover of

Stairway to Heaven and a whole lot of love it wasn't bad but you know what I mean I don't know it's just one of those things where this some some music it's just sacred you know it's sacred to you so no matter how talented somebody is you're like what the fuck

so I was talking the last really bad cover that I heard that it just really just annoyed the shit out of me well actually I was in a gym and somebody had remixed aw shit did the remix of sympathy for the devil by the Rolling Stones

you know and I'm going to go on a limb I think Mick Keith and the guy I think they got it right the first fucking time these fucking assholes first of all the first thing they do is they edit out the guitar solo okay take Keith guitar solo out and then at one point literally dropped out everything

other than Mick Mick Jagger's voice and then had some new updated like Casio drumbeat underneath it it was just it's just a fucking worst goddamn song I've ever heard Jesus Christ Bill

how did I not make that funny I really bombed with that like I started off it was decent I got lost in the middle of it you know I got freaked out I was like what if Mary J actually buys this fucking DVD I went to that arrogant space you know what it was you know what happened there Brian I cared I cared and the whole fucking

thing went away alright let's see here the last bad cover this here's one from somebody and I know this this this actually this segment is starting to blow up I just didn't have time to put everybody so don't everybody's bad covers on there I want to read these because you guys really came

up with some great ones this week um here's one that he says alright this the cover the cover song that pissed me off the most has to be Slash and Fergie's Slash and Fergie from the black eyed peas

featuring that dude from Cypress Hill they actually redid Paradise City and uh right there I was immediately going oh no oh no and he says all that energy and swagger on the of the original everything that made that song a bonafide

classic is ruined in this version anyone that really holds up Slash as a god and trashes Axl cannot honestly sit there and tell me that this song does more to ruin Guns N' Roses name than the Chinese democracy what a horrible

infuriating idea please please give this song that's the treatment it deserves on your podcast I gotta admit I am a fucking huge this is how big a fan I am of Slash like I was right with him Slash's snake pit I saw Velvet Revolver

anything he does I will go fucking see I remember I saw Joe Perry project and he showed up and he played with the band it was fucking awesome I love Slash but I gotta tell you this one and I'm not trashin Slash here because even Da Nero has made some bad fucking movies but

here it is you guys want to hear a little I'll play just a little bit of this I'm actually not worried about Slash seeing this because we won't have the rights to play this on the DVD so here you go I think it's been a really nice podcast this week and you should appreciate it especially a free podcast from a hero

such as myself I just like saying that it's so fucking annoying hey what do you do well I'm a comedian and also I'm a hero I'm a fucking hero as long as they're crazy women and they weigh less than 70 pounds I am

right there to do my duty as a stand-up citizen so here it is everybody everybody have a great week thanks for listening to the podcast and we're gonna close out with the Paradise City 2.0 I'll play a little bit of this shit this is Slash Fergie from the Black Eyed

Pee's and that guy from Cypress Hill you know the fucking trio that we've all been waiting for for years they finally came together and here's what it sounds like dude what the fuck already what the fuck already what the fuck

right here you go okay maybe they're gonna save it maybe they're gonna save it enough oh my god oh my god oh my god dude you ever get like fucking embarrassed for somebody else what the fuck you know I hate I can't

why do rappers always have to let you know who the fuck is in the building I can read the liner notes we got Slash in the hell I know he wrote it the Duchess Fergie that is yeah that one didn't bug me as much as Led Zeppelin

I have to admit like because when guns and roses when they came out I was like 1920 I already realized I could see myself becoming a loser it's that music that you love when you had hope you know speaking of which is one for my my childhood hope for a speedy recover for Brett Michaels

man seriously man I know a lot of people may or may not like fucking poison whatever you gotta hand it to the guy that's stuck around for 25 fucking years he's in the hospital right now so I hope that guy comes out better than fucking ever and that's it see that's what a hero does

he brings it around to a nice moment that's the podcast for this week please tune in next week please keep all the questions comments and all that stuff coming I really appreciate it have a great week and that's it take it easy you

you you you