Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-17

Episode Date: April 28, 2017

Bill rambles about karma, MotoGP and living on Mars.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. How are you? How's it going? I'm actually doing great, despite that cough I just did. It wasn't a real cough. I just, you know, I've run out of unique ways to say I'm just checking in on you. I try to do it a little bit differently and I got nothing left. I don't know what you want from me. Anyway, so let's get on. Let's get on with the podcast here. You know, this is just a quick one. This isn't even an official podcast, despite the fact that I have fucking advertising on it. It's not an official one. This is me

just poking my head into your little office, into your little cubicle, into your living room if you're unemployed or maybe you're living off a trust. Yeah, it's a great big shout out to anybody just sitting around living off a trust. You know, what are you going to do today? I go down to the art store, get yourself an easel, you know, little canvas, start painting. That's what people do, you know, when you're like super fucking rich. There's no reason for you to go outside. There's no fucking reason. I really can't stand when people judge, you know, trust fund babies. I feel that's like one of the one of the biggest issues that this country is dealing with right now is the harsh judgment of trust fund babies.

You know, I mean, anybody can be fucking broke and be like, look at that rich cunt just sitting over there doing nothing. What a waste. What a waste of a fucking life. You know, let me tell you this, you subway sandwich eating judgmental fuck. Let me ask you this. If you were in that situation, what would you be doing? So I can tell you, I would be doing the exact same fucking thing and all you fucking people on your high horse going like, no, do it. I couldn't do it. You know, I'm one of those people, you know, people know this people know me. I have to wake up with a purpose. If I don't have a purpose in life, shut the fuck up. You have bills. All right. That's what you're doing. You're walking out the

door and you're chasing the fucking carrot and someday you're dreaming. You dream that that carrot's not going to be there. You want to be that easel guy. You know, look at George Bush, man. You ever see a guy enjoying not being president more than that guy? He's actually good at what he does. He's not a trust fund baby either. By the way, I'm just saying, you know, he's actually good at it. Just sits there. I wonder what he thinks about. Just there's no way to be present. When you leave as president, you have dead bodies on your conscience. Whether you made the right decision or the wrong decision, at some point you had to shoot off some missiles because who's kidding who America is the world's babysitter. Okay,

we know what we know what's best for you. Okay. And what is best for you is to do what we say and give us your natural resources as we pretend to care about your people. Okay. It's like a lifetime movie. Everybody's acting like something special is happening at the end of the day was wasn't that really just a bunch of shit so you could fucking make money? Isn't that what it was? I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm talking about trust fund babies and I'm sick of the judgment of who judges a baby. First of all, kind of a fucking person to you. Maybe that's why God didn't give you money. You ever think about that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's called karma. Isn't that the most overused fucking expression karma? This is my theory on

karma karma gets you unless you unless you don't give a fuck. If you don't give a fucking, you know, if you truly don't give a shit, you got to have like a level of guilt for karma to come back and bite you in the ass. But if you just some fucking entitled cunt, you know, those people, they skate through life. You know, you ever see him? You ever see an entitled cunt just walk across the room? It's like he has those little kid shoes on that have the wheels on them. You know, I take two steps, they just glide across the room. They don't care about breaking hearts. They don't care about evicting people. Right. They don't give a shit who's fucking sewed their shirt together. They don't. What is that endangered species thrown on the grill? They don't care.

You know, there's a genius to that. Just not giving a shit. You know what I mean? I'd love to see one of those people, you know, in the afterlife, if you have to get, if you actually get judged, just to see the fucking look in their face, you know what I mean? And then God at some point would have to feel some sort of shame being like, well, you know, at the end of the day, I assembled that. You know what I mean? That's what I've never understood about the judgment. It's just like, you know, especially like these fucking sociopaths, as opposed to the level headed saint that I am, these fucking, these fucking sociopaths out there. Like, where does, you know, shouldn't you, you know, shouldn't you be judging God on that one? Shouldn't you be

looking up like really? You know, what were you doing blow last night? You forgot to put the I give a shit about other people assembly into this one. Just fucking send it out there. I don't know. The more I vaguely pay attention to all that space shit, you know, I hate people who are into space, by the way, that we was talking about, you understand, man, just how insignificant fucking, it's like, yeah, I get it. I get it. You know what I'm saying? I understand as we fucking, we've seen how gigantic it is, yet we haven't found anything. So I still think this place is pretty amazing. It's fascinating as Mars is this, there's nothing to do there. I don't understand these fucking people that want to go to Mars and live there. And it's like,

and do what? Huh? Living some fucking strip mall for the rest of your life, some Star Trek looking strip mall fucking drinking tang. Just so you can say, Oh yeah, you know, that's your big fucking move that, you know, people want to live on Mars. That means they suck at everything else in life. Right? They got nothing, you know, you know what it is, you graduate high school, you want to come back someday, right? Smoking a big cigar, going, Hey, you know, yeah, I was that guy who used to push around the playground. But you know what I did, right? I went, I did things. I did things. And now I smoke this and I drive that and see that over there. That's fucking me admitted. I matter. So usually in this day and age, that means you're going to try to create an app.

Right? You're going to fucking, I don't know, get some sort of you start a website. When you curate videos and fucking news, I don't know what these fucking millennials do, but I think if you, if you suck at that, right, if you can't play an instrument and you ego could not just handle just being happy with what you have, I think at that point it's like, I can't just go back to my high school reunion, just being some regular Joe waking up in the morning, putting my coffee in my thermos, going into the shower and quietly crying was the water cascades over my face and my wife comes walking in going, you all right, just, yeah, it just, I just sneezed. I'm fine. Just washing my face. I think at some point, either you just fucking give in and just say,

hey, man, you know, being a regular guy is kind of fucking cool, you know, or you can't handle it. All right, this reminds me, I've never seen a few good men, you can't handle the truth, you know, there's too many, too much grit and a teeth in that movie. That's right, Iceman, I am dangerous, right, too much of that shit. So I never watched it, you know, bunch of people walking around dressed in fucking, then little navy suits. Anyways, if you can't fucking handle that, and you got to go back to your high school reunion, you got to do something. And I think at that point, that's when you just say, listen, I, I got to live on Mars. I mean, I can't go back with nothing. I got to have something to say. That's

like Lance Bass. He couldn't handle that Justin Timberlake walked away from, from in sync, right? I want it that way. Whatever the fuck they sang that song with the, or I liked it like puppets, right? He just fucking walked away, you know, and you got the one guy, the goatee guy, he's got a sense of humor about himself. He makes all these funny commercials, he'll do a thing, he doesn't give a fuck, right? You got the dreadlock guy, then he used to bang Jennifer Aniston, or was that the other guy? Who's some white guy with dreadlocks used to go out with Jennifer Aniston, you know? Every one of those beautiful celebrities always dates a guy, and you always have that,

that, that really, you got that moment like, wow, why didn't I learn how to write fucking, play the ukulele and wear flip flops? That's what I had to do. Fucking walking around with your goddamn mantits. Um, anyway, sorry. And I think Lance couldn't handle it. He's just like, what the fuck? You know, so then next thing you know, he's signing up to go out in space. Just somehow try and out do, uh, oh, would you put out future sexy songs? Uh, wait, wait, wait, right? I'm going to outer space. What?

Oh, what is it about wearing your pajamas in the middle of the day that just, it just fucking opens your mind up. You know what I mean? I swear to God, there is no freer feeling that being a white male heterosexual, still in your pajamas at 11 o'clock in the morning on a weekday, on a weekday. And you know what? Cause I'm a liberal cunt. I want everyone to experience that. You know, all the people in the Philippines. Um, anyways, uh, I'm actually, I'm in a giddy mood cause I did something yesterday that scared the living shit out of me and I didn't die, which is all, you know, obviously cause I'm doing this podcast. So, you know, I hadn't flown a helicopter, uh, since like October until this month and I flew

for the first time and I could not believe how fucking rusty I was. How much shit you forget. You're like, what? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's right. You know, turn it base, turn it final. I didn't even slow down. I was so busy trying to keep the fucking pad between the compass, you know, and the dashboard there. I can't even remember what the fuck you called the control panel that I forgot. I was still doing like 65 knots and I'm like, I fucking went right by it. Had to slam on the brakes, right? So, but you know, I flew around shook, shook off the rust. Oh, he's coming around. He's coming around. You know, so I went, I went again yesterday and went up with my instructor and he was like,

so what do you want to do? I said, all right, let's do the pattern. Let's fly the traffic pattern. Let's do some autos. That's where they simulate, uh, main rotor failure. That's the big fan above your head. Like, what if all of a sudden the engine cuts up, you know, and the nose kicks left? What do you do? You slam the collective down, you add right pedal, right? Trim airspeed RPM. Here come the RPMs coming up, you pull the collective up, you catch the fucking things, you pick up your spot. So we were doing those. And at some point I was just like, all right, fuck this. I have to fly this thing by myself or as solo as they say in the business, but I'm just a novice. So I said, all right, he goes, well, okay, we did a couple of those. He goes,

what do you want to do now? I said, all right, can, can you just step out and let me just fly this thing around one time by myself just to do it again? And he goes, yeah, absolutely. So he steps out and up to that point, it'd been a great day, you know, not a lot of traffic over there. Everything's fucking fine. So he gets out, roll it back up, you know, lights are out, RPMs are in the green gauges, the road, green carburetor heats up, I fucking lift up light on the skids, bring it up, boom, holding a hover. Here we go. Here we go. Cyclic way forward, way forward, less weight in the fucking thing, you know, fucking palms are sweating. You know, there's always that done. I can't believe I actually fucking know how to do this thing,

right? So immediately there's a fucking crosswind. So I'm looking at the wind socket, you fucking cut them, fight it. Left pedal. Now I'm facing the wind. So everything's fine. And next thing you know, like fucking like three jet blues, I've taken off at Southwest is landing. You know, I made my call and the guy's like, you know, whatever, fucking six Victor hotels six Victor hotels stand by and stand by means shut the fuck up. I always forget that because then I always go six fixed hotel standing by. So I'm fucking sitting there. I felt like I was in a hover for 20 minutes. What I really wanted to have happen was just like one of those things was like, all right, fuck this, I'm feeling this rolled out, have him step out, I fucking roll back

up, lift it off, ask for clearance. He gives it to me and I just take it for a lap around the airport. That's all I wanted to do. So now I'm fucking sitting in this hover just going, Jesus Christ. Now I'm thinking, what the fuck am I doing? So finally he called. Yeah, guy fucking goes six Victor hotel, left closed traffic, clear for take off, clear for take off six Victor hotel. And then I fucking, you know, took off, brought it around. And when I was turning crosswind, you know, I'm looking for traffic to join the downwind, make sure I don't have any problems. I was actually thinking like, you know, last night I did stand up dressed as Steven Adler at the goddamn comedy jam. I tried out a new fucking bit about blow up dolls that was killing

so hard. I looked over and Josh Adam Myers was fucking dying laughing on the side of the stage. It's oh, as much as you make people laugh, when you look over and you see a fellow comedian dying laughing, you know you're onto something. So then I went back and I got to play Rhinosaur, dressed as Steven Adler, the sound guard. I would have dressed up as Matt Cameron, but he's just, you know, he doesn't have any unique facial hair. He's got that sort of that Luke Skywalker haircut. I just would have looked like me with a stupid wig on, you know. And then I got to play the encore, Paradise City. And I was thinking, I fucking did that. I did stand up and play drums live last night. And right now I am flying a helicopter by myself. And I flunked so much

shit in high school. Terrible at math. Fucking flunked French, all of that shit. It was a great feeling. And I was like, oh yeah, that's right. I'm flying a helicopter. So I get to the downwind, you know, right? You go across three, zero, you bring your fucking carburetor heat up. So if your fucking carburetor doesn't freeze over and the engine doesn't cut out, as you're slowing down, came around still pulling power kept my 60 knots as I turned the fucking base into file. Okay, right in landed, set the thing down nicely. And that my instructor came back in and just, you know, plugs his headphones in, he goes, he goes, how did that feel? I said, ah, you know, I said, it was like riding a bike, except you could kill yourself.

He started laughing. And what I found with instructors is they're all badass guys, every one of them checks, they're all fucking badasses, you know. But the second you admit that you're actually scared, they always laugh. And then they usually tell you a story of how fucking nervous that they were. But if you're some fucking cocky cunt, you don't want to do that. Because then what they're going to do is they're going to chop throttle on you as you're fucking doing some stuff. Yeah, I don't need that. Even though it's good training. I've never had anybody do that to me. But anyway, so I did it and it made me feel fucking amazing, man. Just like the sickest goddamn feeling. And I swear to God, all I need to do

is make like another $40 million. And I think I could actually afford to truly engage in that hobby. I in LA, it's just super expensive. I think if you live more in the middle of nowhere, the big fucking thing is like just storing the goddamn whatever you get the plane or the helicopter. I don't know if anybody knows like a cheap way to do it. I would absolutely I'd absolutely do it. But until then, I'm just treating it like the way I treat cars, like I just go on the road, you know, I go to budget. And then that's it. I just whatever fucking car they give me, I get it. And I gotta be honest with you. I that's the one thing that bugs me about renting helicopters that every time you fucking go in there, something's a little

different. You know, just be nice to know your fucking tail number, not have to fucking constantly be looking on the control panel, know where everything is, know how everything works, every radio seems to be a little bit different. It's just like a fucking, it's just that extra thing you got to like deal with that I wish I didn't. And I'd love to just buy one of those fucking R22s. You know, they're fun as hell. They're just a little fucking two seater, right? And you're really flying it. It's like if you had a car that just had drum brakes and no power steering, like you really fucking, you know, are holding up. This is just what I've heard from other pilots because I've never flown anything fancy, nothing fancy like, but I really fucking enjoyed

it. And just even doing that, I mean, that how long it takes to fly the pattern. I mean, that couldn't have been more than like, felt like 90 seconds. It probably maybe was a little bit longer. I don't know. But I don't know, it's just fucking definitely left the place yesterday. You know, that's one of those things where you did something great and you're driving away and you got the window down, just driving right on. So anyways, you guys been watching the playoffs? I'd say for first round playoffs, I tell you the series I'm watching, obviously, and I'll say, I'll tell you again, I'm just going to keep saying, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'm watching those Celtics in the bulls. Celtics are now up three games to two

after being down. Oh, two after looking like we had no fucking answers. Right. And which is why my nod for MVP of the series is Rondo without a doubt. Because the second he went down, the series just completely changed. And I thought all of the bulls had us figured out. But evidently, it was Rondo, he knew what the fuck was going on. I'm giving him full fucking credit because it's just been a tale of two cities. You know, it looked like they were going to sweep us. And now it looks like we're going to run the table on them. However, however, I think Rondo's coming back. He took his cast off. His suits have long sleeves again. And I can't wait to watch game six. I want to see, like, is this guy as good as it appears in this in this series? And last night, admittedly,

the officiating was a little subpar and it definitely went in the Celtics favor. And I loved when Lopez was applauding the fucking ref. Sometimes it's worth getting a fucking technical. I love that guy, man. That guy comes out every night wants to play. He's a little fucking weird. He's on his own vibe. He just I really liked that guy. I love when he fucking started clapping. It's like my favorite thing. And then they go to I think it actually worked. Because then we went down, they called the ticky tack file on the other end. And you saw Dwayne Wade was whatever the Celtics said to him, I think it might have been Isaiah, he just started smiling and laughing. I swear to God, man, I just think the NBA is so fucking controlled.

I really do just for the simple fact that you can do it. I've said this a zillion times. There is no easier game to control or fix than basketball, because it's the only fucking game where you can sit down as a ref, you can take people out of the game. You know, I mean, I guess all the games you can eject somebody, but they, you know, in baseball, football, hockey, you really have to do something. You just can't point at a guy and be like, Hey, go sit on the fucking bench. I guess you can in hockey, right? I don't know. You know what? That's one of those things where you think you have a good theory, and then you fucking explore all the options. You're like, Oh, maybe it doesn't work.

Whatever. No, but you only sit him down for like fucking two minutes and they come back out and it's not like, well, fucking Wayne Gretzi's got three penalties, two more and he's out of the game. Right? There you go. I'm back on track with my theory. There you go. You can't sit Tom Brady down. All you got to like, this is what kills me about basketball. I don't give a fuck how many points you're up. You're up like 20 points. You just like, Oh, this game's a rep. There's one quarter to go. You know, most teams are lucky if they score like 27 and a quarter. That's like a fucking great quarter. We're up by 20. All we really need to do is score eight points and we're fine. And then next thing you know, it's just like the fucking Jerk officer on a 27 to run every fucking time.

That whole thing, it's a game of runs. I don't think it is. I think it's a game of fucking ratings. And if a team gets up too high, they just start fucking calling files, the other, ah, that's stupid. That's a stupid fucking theory, but it just appears that way. Maybe it is the nature of the game that nobody can just blow somebody out. They always come back. Like, I would say like 85% of the time, of course I didn't do any research, but it seems like 85% of the time you fucking go, you go up like 30 points in the first half, you know, somehow by the end of the game, 108, 106, unbelievable, improbable, come back.

Since last night's fucking slew of NBA games that did the exact same thing. Anyways, I don't want to talk about all I'm saying is that I think Rondo really showed, I mean, just, I mean, it's fucking unbelievable, like how much the series changed. One guy is gone and the whole thing turns around. So I'm excited to watch game six, even if they win. I mean, I'd like seeing greatness. I don't give a shit. I mean, I hope it's on my team, but if it isn't, I can't, I can't just sit back and appreciate it, right? I try to be a good guy. For right now, I don't know why I have this fucking, this pillow that wraps around you, this little half circle pillow. You know, when you have a baby, it's

perfect. You set him down, you give him that bottle of Jack, you know, and then that's it, you know, but if you try to do it with regular pillows, it doesn't work. But for some reason, I have it around me right now. I don't know. It feels right. Like I don't wait to have a kid to buy one of these fucking semi-circle pillows. All right, what else did I want to talk about? I've been watching, you know, I've been watching the hockey. Okay, gotten over the fact that my Bruins have been knocked out by the quietest fan-based team in the league, right? The team that cheering forgot until April, then all of a sudden they all show up like they give a shit. Oh man, that was fucking hard watching that. Anyways, the predators are looking great,

but I still think, I don't even know if I already talked about this. I started this podcast twice. I forget if I brought this shit up. I still, I'm still going with the penguins. I think the penguins repeat. And I missed Anaheim Edmonton. I bet that's a great fucking series too. It's so crazy. They're already down to just two series in each conference. So I have to make sure that I'm watching. For those people last week, you're like, Hey, how come you didn't talk about MotoGP, the race in Austin? You know what? I didn't see it. And then I realized I recorded it. And this is what you learn if you're new to MotoGP and you go to record the race and you got to fucking do it. It might, it might be better than formula one, just because of the sheer amount

of like passing and lead changes and all that. It's fucking insane. And then the fact you just watch these guys falling off motorcycles. I watched one of the races. Well, let me explain it first. You're going to go to record it. If you novice like me, you go to record it and you'll be watching like the first race and it will say Moto two and they're on these little skinny bicycle tires. And you're like, those don't look like the fucking, you know, those badass bikes that I saw. What's going on here? Then there's Moto three. And you're like, what is the real one? Who is that Ross? Valentino Rossi guy, whatever the fuck his name is. Mike and the mechanics, whatever that other guy's name is. I don't know any of the fucking name

shit. So there's three different classes. This is what I learned. All right. On MotoGP, as they say. And there's Moto two, there's Moto three, and there's MotoGP. And that's basically like being in double A triple A and then being in the majors. Now, for whatever reason, Moto three is the lowest level. So I guess they're going three, two, one. I guess that's how they do it. And they don't say one. They just say GP, which I believe stands for Grand Prix. I don't fucking know. So Moto three is 250 CC. According to this thing on Reddit here, to 250 CC bike, you know, so that's basically cubic centimeters. So it's a smaller engine. It's not as fast, you know, it's still fast as shit the way they're doing it. But you know, that's the one like, okay,

all right, grasshopper, we'll, we'll, you know, we'll see how you do at this level. And then if you succeed at that level, then they move you up to Moto two, which is 600 CCs, evidently four strokes. And all the engines are made by Honda, which I find interesting. So ha, they're all Honda based. Everybody's working with the exact same shit. That's probably so they can truly get an idea of who, who is the best rider who's going to get called up to the show Moto GP. And according to this person, a lot of times in Moto, Moto two, the race is better because they all just have basically the exact same engine. So this guy was saying you usually can throw a blanket over the top three people in that race. And then the big show is

Moto GP, which is 1000 CCs. And those things are just fucking rockets. And I watched this whole thing on how they build them, their hand built, guess how much those motorcycles cost a piece, take a wild guess. Like if for some reason you went down, they said, Hey, you want to take it for a lap, but if you fucking trash this thing, you got to pay for it. Okay. And they give you that fucking suit with the airbag. And fortunately you don't high side it, you slide off the bike and you get up and you're like, Oh, shit, what's that going to cost me? I would have thought anywhere between 100 and 250 grand, you know, and I understand that it's a fucking racing bike and all that. But you know, they're a little last things. You know what I mean? You go to do a

build on a car. There's like fucking people working on it on the other side, you can't even see them. A motorcycle. I mean, it's right there. Everything is right fucking there. You and another guy can lift up the engine. I mean, the shit is small. It throws like 100 to 250 grand is what I would have guessed. 375 tops. Right. This is like I'm at the showcase showdown on the price is right. And I horrifically underbid is what happens. Those bikes cost two million dollars each to million dollars each their handmade all this space age stuff. I watched this whole thing on how they built them. The gas tank is actually underneath the seat. What's where the gas tank usually is is the fuel injector. There's an airport right in front of

that right with a fucking front light. Usually I just want to watch the whole goddamn thing was absolutely fascinating. And I'm totally in on that sport watching that sport and I'm watching the F1. I don't know when the next races, but if you want to watch, dude, I think it was a Moto 2 race. The last one, this fucking guy came out of a turn, his back end started fishtailing. He went like right up and over the handlebars doing. I don't know how fast I don't, I don't get how they get up because he landed on like his foot. He limped for a second and then he just kind of just shakes it off. They're like, Hey, he said foot problems said foot problems in the pair. I'd imagine he had everything problems. You fall off a bike. You know, it's funny when I was

thinking about getting a motorcycle out here, the stupidest thing you could ever do. You know, riding a fucking motorcycle. I know a lot of guys think we just fucking flew a helicopter. It's way safer, way safer. There's nobody up there. I was actually driving back. I was did Mark Marin's podcast promoting season two of F is for family. I don't know when that's coming out. Thank you to Mark Marin for getting me on his podcast. I had a great time. We talked about anger, meditation. We talked music and he helped me promote the show. I was on my way back. It was the middle of the day and all of a sudden there was just all this horrific traffic and this big fucking accident. This truck had jumped the medium strip. I don't know if the guy at medium

strip, I don't know if the guy fucking fell asleep or whatever. About 10 people went to the hospital. One person died and a dog died. You know, so I don't know. I just think the highway is way, way, way more dangerous. I've said it before, you're flying in formation. It's like you're in the fucking Blue Angels. Everybody's doing 80 miles an hour. There's no radio contact. Nobody knows where anybody's fucking going. There's people texting. There's people on meds. You have no idea. And then forget it. And then right on the other side is another group of fucking people, you know, this never ending parade of fucking people flying on the other side. You don't know what they're going to do.

That fucking guy was driving a truck, fell asleep, had a heart attack, whatever the fuck he did, jumped the medium strip, went right up and over into oncoming fucking traffic. It was like 12 in the afternoon. Look it up. It was on the five right near Colorado Boulevard. So anyway, so I was thinking about getting a motorcycle. When I was, I was looking up those MotoGP suits, which are like 2,500 bucks a whack, but they got a little airbag in them. And I'm like, well, that's what the fuck I would want. You're gonna be hilarious to buy one of those and then buy like a fucking Harley Davidson. It just looked like the biggest fucking asshole ever. You just ride that thing and somebody cuts

in front of you. You just lay, but there's another thing too is on those, when they're racing, you can lay it down and slide and fucking all that stuff and you're fine. You're fine. It's not like you can slide into oncoming traffic and there's a good goddamn garbage truck coming at you. I don't know, but I miss riding motorcycles. So I'm thinking it's just nothing safe about them. I was thinking, all right, well, I'll just get a dirt bike. I won't go over jumps or anything. I'll just ride some trails. But then every every like fucking, I don't know, seems like every six weeks, you hear a story about somebody riding on a trail. It's usually a mountain bike though, but if you're riding like a dirt bike, it's a mountain

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love that guy. He's still a Celtic to me. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll talk to you on Monday. Oh I ain't what the fuck I'm talking about. We decided to have a fucking party for a new place. You know, you think that was my idea? Do you think it was my idea to have a bunch of strangers come into the fucking house? I'll have people over. That's what I do. Hey, you want to come over and watch the game? Nine people that I know, right? Have all your fucking phone numbers. You know, Nia is a more open person. So she's like, let's have a party.

All right. So she goes, invite your friends. So I'm all right. So you know, I got, you know, I'm a guy. I don't have a bunch of friends. Okay. I got six good friends, four that I could really trust. You know, it's about it. At least out here. Then over here, Nia talking to her mom about all excited about the party. And she's like, yeah, I sent it on a foot Facebook. And I was just like, oh my God, did I just invite 110 people? And my heart literally sank going, please tell me, you didn't just invite 110 fucking people. She's like, don't worry, they're not all gonna show up. It's like, yeah, but like a third will. And then they're gonna bring people that you don't even fucking know. And that's exactly what happened. It was a fucking great party. I'm not going to lie

to you. But I got to admit, like I got to learn how to, I mean, I thought I was going to be a good host. I wasn't, I wasn't. I was all right with the people I knew, but the people I didn't know. Actually, most of them were all right, but there were a couple of them that I just found that just said there's something fucking annoying about somebody you don't know, sitting on your goddamn couch. You know, eating your food, drinking your booze. And you're like, who the fuck are you? Had somebody else was laying down on the floor. I felt like the kid's dad. I want to get him get a fucking job. All right, it's over. You're 26, you fucking bum. So anyway, so the party's going great. And I'm basically the whole time, you know, not drinking too much, but I'm standing by the front

door because that's the only way out. All right. And nobody's walking out with any of my shit. Right. I'm acting basically like psycho in fucking stripes. That's how I am. It's how I'm wired. All right. So, uh, fucking three quarters away through the party, everything's going great. And I'm like, well, this is, you know what I forgot? I forgot I'm not 21 anymore. I'm fucking 43. All my friends are adults and everybody's drinking responsibly. And no one's really hammered. Nothing got broken. Everything's cool. So start just as I was starting to relax. Some kid comes up to me. He's like, uh, yeah, you own the house. And I'm like, well, the bank owns it. I'm fucking paying it off. What can I do for you? And he's like, uh, yeah, it's kind of

embarrassing, but I use the bathroom downstairs and it's clogged now. And I was wondering if you had a plunger and I was like, yeah, I do have a plunger. I got a plunger right here. The upstairs bathroom. So I give it to the guy and I, and I say, man, I appreciate your honesty. He goes, no problem. He goes downstairs. He takes care of it, comes back once again. He goes, he goes, sorry about that. I said, not at all. Not at all. What the fuck? It's a toilet, you know, clogs up every once in a while, but I appreciate your, appreciate your honesty, you know, because that would have been nasty. Good for you. Right? So, uh, another couple hours goes by, the party ends and there's like one straggler left and I tell the story to me. I'm like, you know, what a good, what a good

guy. What a good shit. No pun intended. You know, we could have left it in there and then the other party I come walking in my fucking bathroom looks like a goddamn port authority bus station toilet. You know, so I was psyched. So one of the stragglers at the party goes, yeah, he goes, I saw that whole thing go down. That's not exactly how it went down. I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, he goes, it wasn't him that was in the bathroom. And I go, who was it? Because it was his girlfriend. Some lady took a dump of a magnitude that it wouldn't go down the toilet. So now she's in there panicking. And this is when today's technology kicks in. She can, back in the day, she would have had to crawl out the fucking window and hope nobody

saw her and just left the door locked. Everybody would have panicked. Holy fuck, who's in there? Did somebody pass out? Is somebody, is somebody committing suicide? Someone would have kicked in the door, right? Knocked it off the fucking goddamn hinges and you go in there. There'd be nobody in there. You'd feel the air from outside and then look down and everyone would see a giant shit and be like, ah, and the party would be over. And the owner of the house would be walking around going, who did it? Which one of you motherfucking, Jerry? Did you clog up my toilet, you motherfucker? You better drive away, right? That's how it would have ended. But because of today's technology, I'm not saying she didn't panic. You know, it's even worse as a lady,

because they're not even supposed to do stuff like that, right? And she was able to text her boyfriend and I would fucking pay at least $400 to read those texts, the panic in those texts. And to his credit, he fucking, he stepped it up. He took the hit. He came up to me. VH ones, I love the 80s own Bill Burr and said, I took a dump in your toilet to a magnitude it didn't go down and I need the tools required to alleviate this situation. So anti douchebag of the week, that guy right there said, taking a fucking bullet for the team. That, that right there is the reverse Peyton Manning award. He didn't fucking go. We had protection issues, right? Now he took one. He took one for the fucking team went upstairs like a

goddamn gentleman, asked for a plunger, gave it to him. It was all fine. And I went down there at the end of the party. You never would have known anything, anything happened. You know what I mean? Like, you know, three hours after the Kennedy assassination, I bet it was, it was all I'm saying, you know, marked it all up and everything was all figured out. I bet it was a nice road again. Mopped up the brains. What am I talking about? What's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast from Monday, April 20 something 2009. I don't know what the fuck it is. You know, I really don't. I really don't. All right. I feel like shit. I had a really rough weekend in Columbus, Ohio. But before I get into

the details, I want to thank everyone who came out on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I had a great time. I had too good of a time. Let's put it that way. Yeah, too good a time. Too good a fucking time. And I'm paying for it right now. You know, I don't know why I keep doing this. I don't know why I just can't learn. You know, you know, I always do overrated, underrated on this shit. You know, it's fucking underrated eight hours sleep. You know, you know, it's fucking underrated going, hey, you want another shot at Jameson? You know what? No. I think I've had enough. You know what I would like? I would like a water. That's underrated. You know, not going to fucking steak and shake at three in the morning. That's underrated. Get one of those fucking double burgers. I never

even ate at that place before. It didn't even look like meat. Like a patty. You know what a patty looks like. Sure, we all do. You've all had a fucking burger. Even you little veggie cunts out there. You know what it looks like. There's a little burned up wig. And there was two of them. You know what kind of a 40 year old fucking guy going to be 41 and fucking June goes to steak and shake at three in the fucking morning when he's got a goddamn fucking 840 in the morning flight. Why would you do that? Sure, Bill, you suck at math. We all know that, but you can tell time. I know there's numbers involved of Jesus Christ. What a fucking idiot. This whole fucking day. I just started thinking about that boogie nights. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm a fucking idiot. Idiot.

I'm a fucking idiot. I'm a fucking idiot. Twice. Friday night ended up at steak and shake at three in the morning. You know, fucking Sunday night. It was, I'm surprised I didn't walk in. They weren't like, norm. Like on chairs. Here he is again. All shit faced. Jesus Christ. What a fucking motley crew. You want to see a motley crew? Go to a fucking steak and shake at three in the fucking morning. Good God almighty. I'll tell you, I was part of the problem. Oh, you know what? I bet I was doing what everybody else was doing. They were all sitting in their shit face, looking around at everybody else going, Jesus Christ. Look at that fucking guy. Oh my God. Look at her. Jesus. She wearing slippers? Jesus Christ. You know, you don't even realize they're doing it to you

too. Look at that fucking guy. Oh, look at that. Look at his fucking eyes. It's almost like he's been drinking Jameson all night. Why wouldn't you get a water after a while? What a fucking idiot. Yeah, let me have one of your burnt up wig fucking burgers. Why is shit food so good when you're, when you're shit faced, you know? Is that what it is? Shit face, shit food. It's just all shit, shit fucking decisions. I didn't want to do that, man. I was doing well. You know, I went to Trader Joe's, you know, dodged a bunch of fucking Bergenstock hippies and I, you know, I went in there and I got the fridge put in my room. Fuck global warming. I want to be in shape. I had a fridge put in my room. I got all this healthy food. And what do I do? What do I do? I go out,

I go drinking two out of four nights, like a fucking more. Oh my God, I went to this one. You know what? I had a slice of pizza last night too. That's how fucked up I was. This is like all coming. It's like a slide show, you know? You can't remember the shit that happened in between, but you just, you just have pictures. Good God almighty, was that a bad looking pizza? Is there anything fucking worse than that? Just a bad looking, it just, you know, when someone makes a pizza, right? And it even sucks when it's hot, but then it just sits there for a while and it just gets that cold case file look to it. You know what I mean? Like it should have a fucking toe tag hanging off the crust. They brought over a whole pie that looked like that,

you know? They look like some five year old made it in like an easy baked oven, you know? And you're their parents and now you have to eat it and say, oh my, oh Susie, yeah, it's delicious, you know? Just begin, begin her little life of people lying to her and not being fucking honest saying, no, don't wear that. You look fat in that. No, you just go, oh Susie, you look beautiful. That's an excellent pizza you made. You know what Susie? It fucking sucks, all right? I'm not saying to give it your dream about being a cook, but you definitely don't fucking have any talent at this point in your life. You know, maybe we can send you to some sort of Jesus Christ. What are those chef schools called, huh? What is that art called? You know? Come on,

you know what it is. Begins with a C. It's not custodial. It's not Commiseric. He plays for fucking the Canadians. Oh, Canadians. I want to say bonjour to all my friends up there in Montreal. You know, it's just breaking your balls. I've been blogging for the Bruins and this is basically how it went down. I was blogging for the Bruins during the playoffs, which I'm going to continue to do because they swept the Montreal Canadians. And basically, you know, I have to blog for the Bruins. They're playing the Canadians. I mean, what am I going to say? Canadians have won 24 cups. We've only won five. We haven't won since 1972. All I can do is just try to piss you off. That's all I was doing. Montreal fans got really, really fucking mad. You know, I made fun of their coach.

I just did what I, you know, I just made fun of how they looked. How they booed their fucking players. I don't even know what I said. I was just trying to be a jerk and these people got all, this kind of noise is what hockey, you know, this guy calls himself a comedian. I don't think this is very funny. Whatever. You know, it's fucking funny. I heard Celine Dion is thinking about buying the Montreal Canadians. He's probably going to move to Vegas and be a fucking mascot on ice. That would be, that would be a crime. That would be a goddamn crime. All right. This is the Monday morning podcast. This is the hungover episode of the Monday morning podcast. I am sitting in a hotel in Manhattan, New York. Why are you doing

that, Bill? Huh? You're laying low after your weekend of boozing. No, I got a week at Caroline's and I'm working with Joe DeRosa. Once again, my partner in crime. Two codependent fucking alcoholics. Do you know what time? I don't think I might have told this story on ONA, Opie and Anthony's show for you people who live in, I don't know, fucking North Dakota. I remember one night I was in Caroline's, Caroline's Comedy Club on Broadway where I will be Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday for a fucking 22 shows, 22 fucking shows. I can't even do one show at this point. I'm laying low, man. I'm laying low. But anyways, one night I was, I was standing there at the bar and I decided, I didn't know if I decided I wasn't going to drink,

but I just wasn't drinking, you know? And all of a sudden, who comes walking down the stairs, you know, like some starlet in the 1950s making her big fucking debut, Joe DeRosa. Everything he was missing was the fucking the evening gown. He comes fucking waltzing down the stairs, you know, all dainty-like. And the second I saw him, I was like, ah, fuck. Now I gotta drink, right? And you know what? He was thinking the exact same thing. That was a funny thing. Neither one of us wanted to drink. You got any friends like that? You just, you've just been fuck ups for so long that neither one of you can just pull you out of the tailspin. I'm sure anybody who's in AA could tell me what, what exactly that that's called,

what kind of friendship that is. I don't fucking know. I really, I really, really feel like shit right now. And so I'm sitting in the room and if you notice the quality might be a little bit better. I actually got a microphone now and I have a little mixer and I have my headphones on and I'm sitting here in the fucking dark. That's not true. I got the one little desk light on. Basically talking to myself, you know, technically once you start listening, this whole thing makes sense. But right now, before I upload this thing, this is really, you know, this is why they don't give everybody handguns. Because if one was laying around, I'm fucking with you. You know what I would do? I'd probably point it out the window. I wouldn't

shoot anybody. Just try to scare someone. Maybe make me laugh and I could get a little oxygen or something into my fucking head. What do you guys, what do you guys use for hangovers? Huh? Other than the smart thing, not drink anymore. God damn, it's just so much fun though, you know. I was having a great time, you know, there was broads, you know, just having a good fucking time. Just a good time, you know, other fucking people who like to drink. I met a couple of hunters. I met a couple of dancers. I met, you know, I met a, you know, nice mix of people. That's my fucking weird dude, man. I don't like people before I get on stage. Like I don't want to see him. I don't see anybody in the fucking crowd. But the second the show's over, if somebody's

cool, that's the part of the show I enjoy. And I become like this fucking Charlie Rose and I just start interviewing people. You know, what's it like to shoot a pheasant in the face? Huh? What's that like? You know, do you got a little fucking couple of pieces of wood that you rub together and somehow it sounds like a pheasant going, hey, Eddie, come on over here. You know, or whatever fucking pheasant's names are. If you had a pheasant, what would you name it? Huh? Larry. That'd be a great name for a pheasant. This would be funny if you had it, right? People looking at it. Oh my god, is that a pheasant? Like Larry, get the fuck off of that. The thing actually got off of it. You know, and then you got on a light night talk show and then you went out

there and then it didn't work. And then the host sort of mugged about how it didn't work. And then maybe it takes a turd on his fucking wingtip shoe. And 50 years later, it's part of the greatest hits DVD. You know, and little did you know that that was a pinnacle of your life as a fucking zookeeper. That one moment. You thought it was going to keep happening. Nope. One episode. One episode. You never asked back because you're animal shit on the fucking host shoe. Wasn't supposed to do that. It didn't do it. They didn't do it in the rehearsals. All right. How the fuck am I going to maneuver this? You hear all the rattling in the background? I'm going to move my mixer. Are you know what I feel right now? I feel like the fucking unabomber. All this goddamn. Was he

anti-technology though? I don't know if he was anti or pro at all. I know he was definitely fucking alone and was a paranoid son of a bitch. Am I back? There we go. Did you guys get nervous there for a second? What the fuck? There's too many fucking chords here. I'm going to go back to this cell phone. I'm not holding my fucking laptop like a goddamn. You know like servants used to hand shit to kings. Would they put something on a pillow and then they had their little hands underneath it? That's the way I'm holding it. I'll tell you what. Can I paint a fucking picture or can I paint a goddamn picture? Let me adjust the microphone. I want to tell you about my microphone by the way.

Do you remember back in the 1970s? You know nowadays whenever somebody has a mic and they have like a little filter on, not a filter, whatever. I don't know the technology. You know a little spongy thing that you stick on there so it doesn't pop or if there's some sort of wind. You know nowadays they're just black and it just looks like a you know fucking giant cock just sitting there right? Something that they can put on TV you know. But back in the day man, the 70s. You know when people were buying weed by the fucking garbage bag full and you know the 70s were colorful man. Your fucking day just started off you know. They had that crazy cereal that they used to have. Somebody brought a blueberry or Count Chocula and Frankenberry and I was in the

cereal aisle you know the other day when I went to Trader Joe's when I was gonna have a healthy week before I downed five bottles of whiskey. I'm the worst drunk too. I'm one of those guys I fucking call up people and start telling them I love them you know. One of those guys you know. I do everything but end up in the drunk tank on the fucking Andy Griffith show. I'm such an old school drunk but I'm not an angry guy when I get drunk. I'm really not. I'm actually pleasant and I'm able to emote. Is that why you do it Bill? I don't fucking know. All I know is it makes me feel like shit. What the fuck was I just talking about? Oh how colorful the 70s were. Yeah you'd start off with that fucking cereal that they had and it was one of the worst sentences ever.

Yeah he started off with that cereal that they had. Oh there you go Bill that's a great way to fucking start it off right if you pat yourself on the back about how you could paint a visual. You know what's funny I have headphones on right now. I have no idea how loud I'm talking and I'm sure that there is somebody on the other side of this wall that is contemplating calling the front desk but what they're listening to is so fucking bizarre they haven't been able to tap out yet. Well that's arrogant Bill. Maybe they're listening and you sound fucking annoying. All right whatever stop heckling yourself get to the point. Yeah you start off when you eat tricks or you eat blueberry the shit literally change the color of your milk which is some really hacky

comedy from fucking the 80s but I'm telling you you had that shit going on honeycomb you know the fucking people were wearing polyester I mean shit was loud in the 70s you know those plaid slacks people had slacks you had boots that zipped up the side they were all fucking shiny women had like those those plastic looking purses it was fucking freaky it was weird everything was like done subtly I think the advertiser was just like look everybody's on drugs so we really need to enhance their trip so much shit in the 70s was like really done to like even like the fucking monkeys which I guess you know was that the that was the late 60s I think it went to the early 70s remember when they used to fucking you know pretend to sing and pretend to play instruments at the

end of the show there and they would they would cut to their little musical montages and they'd always do like half the time they would do like those they'd put it in like a kaleidoscope so you had them actually in the middle and then like six of them like going around like a fucking like a fucking revolver a song I don't know what it was and you're eating that cereal you're just watching this shit anyways this all comes around in my microphone back then you couldn't even watch like a sport show without sort of tripping you know what I mean like they had ABC's Wide World of Sport and they had these fucking bright yellow sport coats on and they used to have these microphones and when they stood outside the little spongy thing that they stuck on top wasn't black it didn't

blend in with the microphone there was these crazy colors and one that I always remember was it was always like bright orange it made no fucking sense but as a kid I liked it so whatever I bought a microphone and the guy goes what kind of windscreen do you want you know you want the standard black one I said fuck that I want that one Keith Jackson used to use when he do Monday night football way back in the day or he do the college games you remember Keith Jackson huh hello again everybody this is Keith Jackson remember that guy Alabama Crimson Tide and the fucking Wolverines of Michigan they're gonna be swapping paint um anyways yeah so that's what I got here that was a really long fucking way to go to explain that I put an orange spongy thing on the end of my

fucking mic and I'm gonna I know I'm cursing a lot right now and I'm cursing I'm not cursing at you guys okay sometimes people get confused stop cursing at me I'm not cursing you I'm cursing at my hangover because I described shit to you all right Jesus Christ look at this fucking fake wood in this desk this is the kind of desk that you sit you know that you sit at when you're like confessing to a murder you know what I mean and you're just sitting there and they're trying to wear you down they bring you in some food acting like they're your friends I was just watching those fucking cold case files man god damn those things are creepy they're just fucking creepy just watching the people when they come in and they and they and they

they're getting questioned for the murder and they just sound like you know regular regular guys where were you that night ah you know I was home you know watching a basketball game you know just chilling out had a pizza find out he fucking hacks up 23 people then when they when they when they admit it they're like oh yeah yeah I did it you know they found this one guy that that uh who's that fucking guy the the green river I don't know they always got to give him nicknames the fucking news so they can sell more papers they give them nicknames like they're going to the Rose Bowl or some shit you know crazy leg Johnson he's killed 48 fucking people they call him the ice man um anyways so there there's one guy up in Seattle right he killed all

these all these women it was brutal and uh they picked the guy up he's never been arrested before they they they meet him outside of his job because they put together a case okay he has no idea that they're on to him they got they the cops come up to the guy and they say listen buddy uh we're you know fucking whatever the police officers I choose I got a headache I don't want the fuck they say you know they say hi we're cops and we're here to arrest you for the murder of four women now if you've never been arrested before when your heart dropped the guy just is like yeah I gave evidently he just went oh okay then they brought him down there he confessed to that and he confessed to like fucking 60 other women that he had killed so they bring this guy into uh another room to talk to a

to a psychologist you know because he wants to try to break him down so he can figure out so he can stop these maniacs right and they asked the guy this question they said uh you know if you could um if you could pick out one thing about your personality that you feel is different from the average person walking down the street what would that be and without missing a beat the guy said uh that that whole caring thing wow you know when you think you don't give a fuck Jesus Christ just regular yeah the whole caring that whole caring thing yeah I just don't seem to give a fuck it's weird you know I don't know I hate watching that I don't know why I watch that show the show literally gives me

nightmares you know what I mean you start thinking about what this is not funny the fuck am I talking about see this is what happens this is what happens when you go out boozing you know what the sad thing is is I know at some point at some point this weekend I'm probably gonna do this again but fortunately I'm in New York City so I won't end up at a stake and shake I've never eaten there I think I've made fun of that fucking place on these podcasts how would you rate how would you guys out there huh all my listeners out there please tell me you're listening please tell me I'm not I'm not just sitting here baking under this fucking hotel lamp for nothing how would you rate the worst your worst like uh fast food you know what I mean everybody you know no one wants to eat it but

we all eat it because you know it tastes good fucking tastes good but then there's there's certain ones either you had either you had a bad experience or you uh just the look of it you know like I gotta say for me like Taco Bell I just can't go in there there's just something about the colors on the sign they just makes my stomach hurt you know you just get that awful feeling in your stomach you know I feel the same way about like Arby's you'd never fuck with Arby's I'm a McDonald's guy I'm old school I like McDonald's in and out as the shit but you know I got a lot of memories as a kid at McDonald's so I think that one still wins even though in and out is even better but there's just certain ones I won't even

go into you know all right guys I'm fucking fading fast Jesus Christ I need a fucking water or something the hell did I do with that water didn't I have water around here hang on a second ah Jesus Christ the fucking water I should have had last night all right let's let's get on with the questions here um if you're new to my page you probably think I'm out of my fucking mind and you would be right I am out of my mind but you know what you know what I don't have anything to say to that I am guilty as charged what are you fucking perfect why don't you go to sit to fucking www I'm fucking perfect dot com and go listen to that podcast I bet there's a lot of fucking laughs on that one

you know do they got a mixer I got a fucking mixer bitch you like that shit I'm learning a lot of computer stuff you know what how about you guys make me computer literate can you do that for me I'll start off with something really easy something that really fucking annoys me on my computer and you know what maybe someone else does this maybe this annoys someone else who has a computer who also has a drinking problem okay and then uh you know I'll read how to do it maybe I can help some another drunk out there all right this is one of my problems that I have when I go to you when I go into Apple works right the text is so fucking small I don't understand it it's set I know how to change it but I got to change it

every time all right right now it's stuck on 12 okay which is basically squint size and you know when I copy and paste you guys emails into my fucking thing it's it it makes it smaller I don't know what it's doing I want it at 18 I want the default set at 18 how the fuck do I do that in Apple works I got a brand new MacBook I want to learn how to do that okay I want to learn some shit you know I know how to upload I know how to do this now look at me I know how to upload shit I'll turn it into a fucking mp3 I'll send it right to you I know how to do that now I feel great it's my new open in line when I hit on checks on the road you know what's up sweetie how you doing you like to show you know I can also upload audio files

and turn them into an mp3 huh put it on the desktop I'll fucking drag it right over there so anyway I'm gonna drag you across the fucking carpet in my hotel what the fuck was that all right can somebody teach me how to do that please okay and let's get on with the podcast here you know what the problem is is there's not enough fucking room here oh I got it why don't I just move this dude I even have a little stand here for my microphone I have a little fucking stand this is like I don't know this is one of these like really nerdy things that if you start when you're 18 by the time you're 30 you're famous and you're not a nerd anymore like chicks want to fuck you it's it's unreal but when you start this at 40 it's just pathetic and sad okay here we go

we're gonna go to uh I already did the underrated so why don't I do overrated um I know this is really this is really coming off grumpy I understand but whatever you know last week I was pissed this week I'm grumpy you know what I'm doing for a happy one but next week next week I'll be all bubbly no I won't be because I'll be flying across this country oh man that's gonna suck let's not think about that do you know like I literally fall asleep on the plane I've flown across this country so many fucking times that I can literally look down and pretty much guess what state I'm over you know as a passenger I can do that why these levels so low what the fuck is going on there we go am I not talking into this thing hello test there we go you know what I mean I can look out I can

tell you know pretty good I mean Rick I don't know wait a minute what the fuck am I bragging about what southwest is a desert you get into Colorado you got the mountains starts getting flat you're like all right this is Nebraska Kansas maybe we're into Iowa you start seeing more lights you're moving towards fucking into Illinois right that how it works I don't fucking know like I actually like I recognize like lakes now you know I can look down on my watch oh you know what it's taken this long we're right about here and we should be seeing Cleveland coming by there it is there it is I look down sometimes and look at fucking stadiums is that what my fucking life is now if I could be outside the plane and look at my stupid round head looking out of that little oval fucking window

this is what I signed up for this is how fucking hungover I am I'm actually bitching that I'm a comedian something that I wanted to do something that I decided to do all right Jesus Christ there was a way for you guys to email me a fucking tampon I think I get like nine million this week all right here we go let's read the uh overrated all right let's get into your thoughts I think you've heard enough from me for one week all right overrated bill all right bill I think this is overrated a lot of people don't talk about this this is coming from a woman she says male strippers are overrated she said especially when they are hired for a bachelorette party is it me or does uh oh Jesus Christ I can't read when I'm fucking not hungover she goes is it me or does anyone

else think this is the stupidest waste of 125 bucks they've ever seen you guys get strippers for 125 bucks Jesus is there anything that sucks about being a woman yeah given birth periods all right you're right you're right sorry um yeah okay anyways let me get back to this yeah the guys are all the guys were all muscled up and everything but to be honest when you see women looking at male strippers and they are hooding and hollering and laughing and laughing it up with their girlfriends they're actually laughing at the stripper yes it is true that they are likely some women who enjoy it and thinking this guy would probably be awesome in bed but 95 percent of women are hysterically laughing at the ridiculous man all oiled up in his g-string with his stupid little boombox playing

in excess what you need jesus christ yeah she just there you go she's painting a picture there that's what you need in a good story and you need a narrator who's not fucking grumpy and hungover anyways playing what you need gyrating around the living room and dry humping dad's lazy boy you know what jesus christ uh blah blah blah blah this is really fucking long let me get to the point here she says women what women want is women want a man who is a man kill spiders drink beer etc none of us would picture a man acting like a sex machine with a wax chest dancing in front of a group of housewives a man will offer my girl a man will offer my girlfriend is a stripper and he knows his buddies will congratulate him like god dude your girlfriend's a stripper that's awesome

a woman would never offer the same information why because she knows the response to mother woman would be a snicker and a yikes gee i'm so sorry look is that true the women really not like don't just like cougars don't they like male strippers you know if you want to know what it's like to be a guy be a woman in your as far as like our sex drive you know i i think maybe a woman once you're in your 40s or that i don't even know what the fuck point i'm trying to make there i just know that like older women act like the same level of retarded that guys act like our entire fucking wise when they start to get older i don't know what it is i guess it's they finally don't give a shit and they could admit that they like cock or they like sex you know because

before they have to be like well you know it's just for procreation all right just like my boyfriend's cock i don't have any other fucking fantasies you know whereas guys we just get we just get to be pigs we just get to be the goddamn pigs that we are but you know what you get to cry at movies and get that shit out i gotta hold it in you know i think it was a rough one was that harvey milk movie the amount of shit i had to think about so i wouldn't tear up during that movie just so i wouldn't be feeling you know as a guy you can't fucking cry so i gotta sit there be like you know as he's going through some shit oh i know everyone was getting all sad when uh you know when he gets whacked there you know so in order not to get emotional myself i just thought you

know what if someone just came home just kicked him right in the balls and i just start laughing you know that's what it is that's what comedy is it's to stop from crying all right um number two oh this is oh oh my god this some new yorkers aren't gonna like this one this is another thing that she says is uh overrated is underrated actually a two-run homer in the bottom of the ninth ninth after marie off of mariana revera and i could have fucking read that better yeah the red socks swept the yankees man it's fucking unbelievable they'll be back this shit always happens one team always jumps out in front of the other team right and then we do we fucking own you guys we fucking own you guys and then they literally almost like it's fixed now the

yankees will sweep us down there and we'll play each other like 12 times or 13 times and someone will win that win it fucking seven to six it's a goddamn business people okay there's no fucking Santa Claus i don't i don't buy it um and we stole home plate and how the fuck does that happen 200 million dollar team you know something you realize the red socks you know they're only they're number four this year as far as money spent oh yeah a lot of you fuckers didn't know that did you yankees spent 200 million then it's the Mets then i believe the Cubs and then us we're 122 million isn't that great now we can act like we're some little fucking starving panty little pansy fucking team yankies they're ruining baseball um who gives a fuck i'll tell you what's funny is of

the the the fuck did i just do there mess it up my computer all right let's you know i'm really starting to feel like i'm losing the momentum of this 31 minutes 31 hung over minutes dude i'm going to tell you right now this is feeling like four hours i feel like i'm doing a fucking telethon right now uh let's get to the questions for the week i got uh i got one here um am i the only one who thinks terry francona's glasses make him look like a cancer stricken mrs claus he's the he's the manager of the rent sucks i did see him yeah those they they're definitely uh yeah he looks like he should be at the very least uh you know going out caroling or something reading the night before christmas i don't fucking know i don't know you know i talked a lot about sports last week and a

couple people really got pissed just talking about how dumb they are some guy sense this this huge fucking rant about saying how you know being into a sports team is almost as dumb as patriotism i know the point you're trying to make you know what i mean i get it you know i know what you're saying but you know what the fuck dude i mean i've done like almost two years of these things eventually sports was gonna come up do we always have to talk about what you want to talk about this guy was really i don't know sometimes i don't know if people are going for douchebag of the week i don't know what do i have anything else here i don't think i have anything else oh bill i need some advice all right here's another guy obviously had some jameson listen to this shit

this is his question hey bill big fan bombed right now i didn't get that for a second i thought like he said big fan and he meant like that line bomb but evidently means he's shitfaced or he's the worst speller anyway uh in the world here we go it starts off it says anyways i need some objective viewpoint me and this hot chick i'm a big old ugly rugby player recently started hanging out he misspelled that and we like no e he put the e at the beginning of each we like each a lot jesus christ dude recently started hanging out we like each other a lot my problem she used to date a black guy i have black friends my buddies will tear me apart thoughts advice thanks john well john um my thoughts are you're pretty fucking shitfaced when you uh when you

sent that email that that's my thoughts because the rest of it makes no sense she used to date a black guy okay you have black friends is that supposed to establish that you're not racist my buddies will tear me apart like what they're gonna in a good natured way review that your dick isn't gonna be as big i don't know what you're trying to say here tell you what why don't you fucking you know don't email me now because i know you're feeling the way i'm feeling but you know sober up try to clean that up you know i think maybe you got something there send me a second draft i don't know what the fuck that means she used to date a black guy how the fuck would they know you have black friends my buddy will tell you you have

black friends do they know this guy did she used to date one of the one of your friends who's black that's just a weird statement i have black friends do you have black friends sure we all do like you're trying to loan yourself some sort of credit credibility the fuck does that mean anyways you know how many friends do i have geodorosia he's half egyptian so that takes care of the uh does that take care of arabs or egyptians considered air i know what the fuck arabs are i don't even know i don't fucking know i can't you know i don't know i don't is is being in this one question i boys is being jewish is that i know it's a religion is it a is it a race it's not a race right i haven't wanted a long

time ago i i i was in high school and one of my friends was jewish right and uh i i said to him i said what are you italian he goes no i'm jewish and i i could tell i offended him so i didn't do a follow-up question but in my head i'm going okay italian is a race i thought jewish was a religion i know jewish is a religion you know did that make any fucking sense i don't fucking know let's let's read a revenge story let's read a revenge story and let's fucking wrap up this podcast this is going to be a shorter one this is the hungover version oh here's something else i came up with this i'm actually contributing underrated you know it's underrated free internet in the hotels god damn it i like that i wrote all that other shit in anger so let's not read that all

right here's a here's a big long revenge story to end the podcast this week and uh let me know what you guys think about this sound i know i've kind of been turning my head a little bit and i got this mic like stationery is that affecting the sound because god knows i'm not going to go back and listen to all this shit i usually listen to him but not this week man not this week it's been a rough fucking week i don't want to tell you you know this one these times so it's great i don't have a kid you know because i would have no patience for him you know it's a new bit i've been working on in my act talking about how much i like uh i like kids when they're i like kids the same way like i like dogs i like i like them when they're puppies and they're full of life you know

once they get a little bit older and stubborn they think they know shit it's just it's fucking they're annoying you know i like kids like uh you know it fucking cracks me up i saw this kid the other day this kid was like two years old right you know it's funny about toddlers right how they did i i talked about this already how they got their little fucking they got they already have a beer belly and they never even drank they look you know they look these little fucking truckers it always just fucking makes me toddlers fucking beer bellies just fucking make me laugh every time i see them you know it's because they're not self-conscious about their bodies they don't give a fuck so they just got it hanging out there like some fucking drunken slob at a barbecue

you know they just it's just funny to me they look like they've already they fucked up in life you know like they're gambling they're eating the wrong food i don't know why do they have those fat bellies jesus christ you're eating mush and milk you're the first i don't know when i just admit i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about sometimes i'm literally sweating right now because of a lamp that's how fucking hungover i am okay here we go you know something else i hate i mean this is something i've been doing i've been i've been trying to eat you know one just veggie meal a day you know so then i can make up for the fucking oxen that i'm gonna eat later on that night or evidently the fucking steak and shake that i'm gonna eat and uh you know i can't stand about

those fucking veggie meals i ordered this veggie meal right i ordered uh uh uh some sort of fucking horrific veggie uh wrap which really sucked because they grilled the vegetables you know what like when you you go beyond where they start becoming mushy it's just uh i can't even say what it sounds like what it what it tasted like because it's gonna make me fucking gag here but you know it just i'm gonna do it you know what if you're squeamish cover your fucking ears right now you know what it tastes like when when you they over steam vegetables or they fucking uh over grill i don't know what it gets all squishy and mushy it tastes like it's pre chewed just pausing right now waiting for the groans people throwing their headphones off all you people on ellipticals huh did you just

groan did the hat the fat hairy fuck next to you start looking at you wondering what you're listening to um this is what i hate you order you order a veggie wrap all right they go one veggie wrap i ordered some soup like an old fucking jewish man in manhattan right and then what happens they bring it to me and this they got french fries on the side it's like can't you see i'm trying i'm trying to get in shape i understand it's a french fry it's a potato it's a it's a vegetable i get it what the fuck it's like when you go to the cheesecake factory order salad and then they go would you like dessert it's like do you not get the fucking theme here lady do you not see what i'm trying to do do you see my bloated alcohol infused face do you understand what i'm trying

to do here actually you know it's not even fair because i actually talked to one of those uh cheesecake i think i was making fun of the cheesecake factory in my act and um they actually was there was a waitress in the crowd as always i always end up shitting on something and then someone from the crowd is like hey i do that what the fuck so it was this cheesecake factory waitress and she came up to me and she said uh she goes actually they make us do that we have to do that if we don't do it we get fired really is that what it's come down to that's that's where the decisions in your life led you that you have a job that if you don't ask people for cake which is usually a nice fucking thing to do if you don't do it

you get fired they have a gun to your fucking head to basically have your job to try to make people become diabetics is that what's going on is that what happened in your life because you sucked at something in school you know i don't fucking know all right let's get on with the revenge story i'm fucking oh i know why shut off the air conditioner does anybody else just hate air conditioning i don't mind air conditioning when it's 9 000 degrees out but when it's fucking you know it's like i don't know what it is it's like 65 degrees out 70 72 and they got the air conditioning on it's like are you trying to give me pneumonia huh is that what the fuck you're trying to do jesus christ am i in a mood hey what do you guys think about that swine flu

you know this might be a little com controversial but i'm kind of all for it but i think this is another time where we're we're getting in the way of nature running its course nature is trying to kill off us not all of us but some of us so that you know there's no traffic you know what i mean it's it's like the forest fire it's a rebirth you know you burn it down some animals die some trees die you get rid of all the brush it's like a spring cleaning that's all a plague is it's just that we you know you don't want any loved ones to die plagues them i'll tell you man plagues that they're really uh they're fascinating like they're putting out all these stats you know what the fuck this revenge story let me go on the internet here

let me let me uh let me restart firefox now what is your fucking problem i never stopped it i'm in the middle of a podcast god damn these fucking computers what do they do this shit to me come on let's go anyways yeah they were they were giving up all all these uh all these statistics on uh plagues and that type of stuff evidently did you know like like 675,000 people died in the united states in 1918 because of like an i i influenza whatever the fuck that is i don't know what the fuck that is but everybody got it and a whole bunch of people died and you know what's fucking you know what's fucked up about that was thank god they did you know because if they didn't they all would have fucked and they would have made more fucking

people we might have been where we're at right now we might have been there you know 15 years earlier i love i just throw numbers out i'm acting like i'm a fucking scientist here i don't know what i'm talking about hang on a second let's look up plagues it's gonna give me on some sort of fbi list you know all i need to do now is google fucking anthrax and there'll be a knock at my door and i really will be confessing at this fucking table here great plagues in history okay that should be a great game show that'd be a fucking great game show okay is you try to you start googling shit and whoever gets the fbi to come to your place first wins and you can't do like easy shit like uh like obviously any sort of creepy pedophile stuff

because that's just fucking horrific and it's it's never funny is it even though i joke about it on stage sometime all right list of historical plagues let's go to wikipedia god knows they're always number one all right in human history the term plague refers to an epidemic disease causing a high rate of mortality a pestilence an academic dash shut the fuck up i want to i want stats okay what i got to go to mlb got to go to cbssports.com so i got to go ongoing danger great plagues of athens let's get to some recent ones here you know what do we got here great plague of iceland see what i'm saying everybody everybody had a plague in a thin the herd great plague of portugal great plague of russia great plague of ireland

scotland london plague just attacked a fucking city for two years 1592 to 1594 the italian plague everybody's fucking had one this last time we had a plague you know you just they they you just can nip it in the butt with with with fucking with the media they just they get it out there before it gets a chance to to to help with the traffic you know so i'm in new york city right now and they they have a number of uh number of cases out in queens and uh you know they're telling people how oh you know it's funny as hell they tell people to use common sense if you feel like you're getting the flu go to the hospital right so they say you know if you sneeze

or if you cough just cover your mouth right so a half hour later i'm walking down the street walking down whatever fucking avenue here in new york and i see this kid on a bicycle and he proceeds to sneeze and he just turns his head and it looked like a fucking spit take and i just burst it out laughing burst it out laughing you know rather than being i'm like the exact opposite of a uh i was gonna say a hemophiliac that's not what i'm trying to say one of those fucking people that always nervous that they got something a hysterectomy what is it i know it begins with an h this always happens to me it's what happens to my fucking brain as i knew the word and then my brain panics and all i'm left with is a letter uh fucking hemophiliac i can't get that word out of my head

you know what i gotta talk about something else let's talk about the jonas brothers comedy show huh i think i speak for the group when i say it's about time you know because their music is fucking hilarious and uh i i just you know fucking cunts this fucking business you know what i mean really is is that what i should that's that what i should have done i should have gotten this business with fucking three three of my other brothers you know i'll play the drums you get a ukulele and then you do this and then you'll get your own fucking sketch show son some bitches oh yeah i am bitter i'm bitter about the fucking jonas brothers i want some goddamn stats here on dead people all right i don't feel good so i want to read about dead people

make all the black death here we go here we go the black death was one of the deadliest pandemics the fuck is a pandemic there's an epidemic and a pandemic a pandemic is an epidemic of infectious disease that spreads through pop populations across their large region for instance a continent or even worldwide thank you wikipedia so what the fuck is an epidemic this is what happens and you just start fucking searching everything and then you forget what the hell an epidemic occurs when new cases of a certain disease occur in a given human population during a given period isn't that the same fucking thing is that not the same fucking thing or close enough all right you guys want to hear about the black death huh when you're sitting there in your

cubicle at work well god damn it i'm going to read you some shit god knows you could do this yourself it's right there in wikipedia the black death was according to chronicles characterized by boobos a swelling in the lymph nodes i don't even know where the lymph nodes are i think they're in your neck a hypochondriac bam i got it all right see that's what i got to do just start talking about all this shit then i don't know where i yell out the word and now i can't remember what i was talking about oh i know i'm the exact opposite of a hypochondriac where uh no that doesn't make sense hypochondriac is nervous i had to keep my i eat apples scientists and historians at the beginning of the 20th century assumed that the black death

was an outbreak of the same disease caused by the bacterium who gives a fuck and spread by fleas with the help of of animals like the black rat however this view has recently been give me some stats for christ sake how many fucking people died what wait wait a minute the origins of the plague the total number of deaths worldwide is estimated at 75 million people approximately 25 to 50 million of which occurred in europe the black death is estimated to have killed 30 to 60 percent of europe's population just think about that people six out of 10 automobiles that you'll see in front of you tonight as you try and drive home would not fucking be there and we already built the highways

to hold you know a ton of fucking car you know what i'm saying you know it's america man you want to fucking drive put the top down they're not making paniacs anymore how fucking sad is that let's think about some great paniacs that's where we're going to close out after we talked about the epidemic we talked about death let's talk about how sad it is that there's no more paniacs anymore there's just no more the paniac trans am uh kind of drops off after that but you know the sunbird the t-1000 you guys remember the paniac t-1000 that's when you're really fucked up when you bought a bootleg chivette that's when you

really were saying that you were an extra level of white trash okay you ate macaroni and cheese five times a fucking week you know you know i can't even know what the fuck i've even said today that i was i riffing about sharing a tray of macaroni cheese with another man looking into his eyes was that this podcast was that another podcast was that at some point a show last night i don't know what but this has been the monday morning podcast for uh april fucking 20 something i don't know what it is i don't know this is we're into garbage time they still have their as well their official site is still up what i want to paniacs are they have the bonneville

you know what they were a one-trick pony anybody drive a paniac i don't know well let's talk about that next week okay this is the monday morning podcast i'm gonna be at carolines this week and then i'm taking a break here for uh may and june i'm gonna recharge my fucking batteries and i'm coming out swinging in july i started the comedy works in denver and then i go to uh eddie's fist fuck in uh fucking uh yuma i'm just gonna make up shit now and then i'm gonna be at uh wallpaper freddy's at the uh limelight beautiful theater where uh cirque du sole performed just reading the awful brochures here what is cirque du sole i'm really impressed with the the strength that those guys have

not so much on the costumes all right you guys that's the podcast for this week i hope you guys all have a tremendous week and i apologize if i was a little bit grumpy this week but uh you know i'm sorry all right that's not me i'm just gonna i'm sorry so i don't know what you expect with me is

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