Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-28-22

Episode Date: April 28, 2022

Bill rambles about a medieval looking object, 'here to change the game', and donuts. Music Interlude:  CARRTOONS (feat. Nigel Hall) - Groceries

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all NS novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before

Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in just checking in on you what's going on how are you house things I just watched my Boston Red Sox finally beat the god damn blue jays Jesus Christ that fucking Springer that kid's killing us absolutely killing us and I gotta tell you you know I gotta admit I gotta admit they got a good squad god damn it it kills me and you know and who's kidding who boba shed love the highlights the highlights in his hair it's just you know it's not enough that he's a shortstop in the MLB it's not enough that he has long flowing hair he also has to get him highlighted I mean Jesus Christ what the fuck more do you need to do all jealousy and then I did enjoy Jordan Romano the look

on his face he looks like fucking Teen Wolf he was not fucking around I think we caught him in between growing a beard because I had to look him up to be like does he always look like that I just think it was the intensity that came because you see a photo of the guy he looks fine but when he's sitting there with his glove up to his face you know and he's doing the full metal jacket you know you kind of put your head down you look through the bottom of your eyebrows mildly unsettling for a baseball player anyway and how about your Boston Celtics oh freckles oh Billy bitch knees was like let's not get too confident after being up two games to none and seeing all those meathead Celtics fans walking not

saying all Celtics fans are meatheads I mean the drunks that walk up to the cameras after the games over going four in four guess what they were right what a surprise I'm always I used to be right up before I had kids and I got busy I used to be right about sports a lot I cannot remember oh wait a minute I beat the book this year against the spread in football so I did all right there but I did lose to Verzi Verzi did better than me but I remember after game two I was saying that you know I don't know we came out we had sunglasses on and for the fucking the after party there with the press and I just saw that look on Kevin Durant's face and he had he had that Marvin Gaye red knitted hat on and I was just

going like I just don't think that these guys think are thinking the way those Celtics fans are saying in four but it turns out those meathead Celtic fans were right and old man Billy was wrong once again once again I was wrong so I'm looking forward to the Celtics because you know beyond the fact obviously I want to see him win another championship I'm also looking forward to you know when we play the Bucks I'm assuming they closed out the bulls I didn't see this the score but I'm looking forward to the long awaited rematch the grudge match return from that that that Grayson Allen two flagrant fouls in the summer league game against one of the nicest guys in the NBA Grant Williams I mean that guy

can just cannot get a fucking call and that guy is just completely I don't know what all of a sudden he's hitting every three pointer he takes he's playing a great game and Grayson Allen has cleaned up his game but we'll see what happens you know everybody's going to be talking about the Greek freak on Tate the compo right and everybody's going to be talking about Jalen Jalen Rosen fucking Jason Williams right and all the Celtics smart but I'm going to be watching Grant Williams while you watch Jalen Brown as I almost call him Jalen Rose fuck you I got two kids under five I'm trying the fact that I know anybody's name is amazing I'm going to be watching the first time Grant Williams sets a screen on Grayson Allen to

see what happens does it reignite the fire you know it's one of the great NBA rivalries grudge matches that nobody talks about you know ESPN they don't have the nerve to talk about this type of stuff the way I do anyway I am back out here back out here in LA I'm so psyched to be back out here with my family and all that I'm literally sitting right I just reached out I have a pacifier in my pocket you know I'm living the dad life here I was sitting on for the ninth inning eighth and ninth inning my daughter was literally sitting on my chest not on my my lap she was sitting on my chest she thought it was funny that I couldn't see the game and she was looking at her little iPad which I don't like I don't

like the iPads and all of that shit you know they fucking sit there and they hold them like two feet away from them so we got a little stand and it's like all right you can do this the kids always like I don't want to do that you know I want to hold it like right up to my face and you sit there being like you're gonna need glasses and they just they they don't listen and it's the end of the day and they wear you out and you know I don't know I don't know what I don't know if my kids look at me as much as I'm a dad as I'm a jungle gym because then my son comes in and he's jumping on my shoulder and stuff of oh Billy shoulders oh Billy old shoulders all right my rehabs you know my rehabs coming back here

my rehabs coming back no my shoulders are coming back so I'm able to I bought this fucking thing on the internet I gotta give these guys a shout out but I don't know I don't know what the name is I'll do it on the Monday morning podcast I bought this thing where it almost looks like a medieval weapon that's the only my only knock against it is the fact that it looks like a medieval weapon I don't dare bring it to the airport because they're like what the fuck's that when you start swinging around and take over the plane no no I was I was born here I'm happy here I'm not trying to ruin here I just have old shoulders they'll just be like yeah whatever from Massachusetts man I got a rotator cuff issue tell it to

the TSA fuckface right I know they're gonna take it away from me so what it is is it's just a it's a handle with a little cord and then it comes with three different size balls ladies and some gentlemen and it works its way up in weight and all you do is you hold you stand you have a shoulder's down you hold it straight out you do 30 you just move in your wrist but somehow this helps the rotator cuff I can tell you my rotator cuffs feel great you do 30 clockwise with both hands straight arm straight up as if you were beginning to be a Nazi and then thought better of it you only go like you only goes you only go straight straight up okay you don't go you go see you don't get to the high all part you just do

a Sieg no the Siegs to the chest right if I got my hate group shit down right you just don't go up all right whoever has this product is so happy that I don't know the name of it as I'm tying the Nazis into this and then you go you rest and then you do the same position and then you go you go 30 clock a counterclockwise you rest again and then you do it at like a 45 degree angle same thing you know hand at the shoulder and then you do it all the way out to the side clockwise counterclockwise in each position so it's a total of like 12 reps three different positions on each side and I gotta tell you you do it 10 days with each one of the bulls there and each ball gets a little bigger there and a little heavier

and you gradually work your way up and I gotta tell you it's been helping me out I've been going to the gym I'm doing the lat pull downs everything's fine I'm doing that one that everybody does the exercise wrong you know the one where you lean forward it's almost like you're rowing a boat and you get those people they just grab onto it and just rocking back and forth like they're going up the Chow's River right all they're doing I don't know what they're working it's like they're lower back the amount of people that do that exercise wrong myself included you're supposed to feel it between your shoulder blades the bottom of your trapeze which I learned because I have 80 shoulders because all I did was bench curl and fucking tries for upper

body and shoulders we just did like the military press and my shoulders rotated forward and that's why I have the problem so I'm trying to get my shoulders to come back you know I mean so I'm not caving in on myself all right so the one-man thrill ride won't eat a bullet cereal out of my chest anyway and we I got another thing here that I want to bring to your guys attention if you can help out do you like helping out fellow Americans Steve Simone great comedian and one of the great just just people he's always helping people out well there's a family that was going through some stuff a year and a half ago and some comics got together and we were able to help them out you know and unfortunately one of their kids is going through something right now is suffering

from PLE which I was looking that up I don't know what it is they're trying to raise 15 grand to help this kid out they got five and a half grand at this point I'm gonna donate some money it's a go fund me from Monique Esparza is organizing this fundraiser so I imagine that's the mother somebody and the kid's name is Maceo so I'm gonna post the go fund me to my Twitter if you can throw a couple of shekels that way that would be awesome yeah you know help some people out instead of screaming at somebody on the internet tonight let's say we do that if we're in the mood if not if you're not in the mood you want to go on Facebook and argue politics you know what's fucking hilarious what I've been doing lately on Instagram is you know that's that's stupid self

helps shit you know what I mean like where they're just like you know the lion isn't the fastest animal he's not the strongest animal and he's not the smartest animal but when he walks into an area everybody shuts the fuck up right and everybody underneath in the comments is just like this amazing I need to remember this it's like first of all that just sounds like you know you're gonna live your life like a chug night type of guy you know what I mean and fucking put your cigar out on people's foreheads that doesn't sound like you're gonna be like a nice empathetic person anyway so these stupid self-help things somehow when I was in New York I was talking to Rachel Feinstein fucking hilarious comedian and we've been joking around so I've been sending

her those and we just sort of make fun of them and but because I keep sending them to her they think that Instagram thinks that I like this shit you know what I mean like if you click on guitars you click on fitness models air quote fitness models gym hoes um this is a good exercise for your abs oh yeah do you have to do it in a thong you're working your abs why are you bending over you know what the worst thing about that is you look at one of those things one of them the next fucking time you hit that magnifying glass there's gonna be like nothing but asses in your face and then your wife's looking at you like you said I clicked on one of them I mean what am I supposed to do here she's putting it in the camera so anyway I've been clicking on those stupid

self-help ones I bet I can find one right now I hope it won't click off my my my recording it probably will here no it still seems like it's on let me see if I can find one oh find one that I sent they're so fucking dumb half of them they're not even like self-help and of course nothing's loading where the hell okay here we go this is just gonna be all right let me see here usually other words oh I'm not here to compete I'm here to change the game and then they put that way again it's stupid fucking thing that they always play and then people like send that to other people I'm not here to compete I came here to change the game oh did you you know everybody fucking I don't know why are you posting that you're not Michael Jordan all right you're

just a regular fucking idiot like me all right just stop stop with the lions you know what they should do you know they do that thing if you were a famous person or something they do that face swap thing whatever that dumb shit is that people do they should really they should do a thing like a real an accurate one because I know that they have them were they like if I was an animal what I'd be and it's always like you're an eagle you're a bear you know what I mean you never like some vomit you know what I mean you know you're a fucking possum you sleep all day you don't do shit fucking hanging around right and then then what at night you come out you try to fucking scavenge you fucking bum off other people you know I know plenty of people like that especially now that weed is legal

you know what I mean you got that you got you got was it BPE big big possum energy sorry kids I'm trying to use the I'm trying to be hip here man trying to use the younger slogans yeah it's just like stop fucking telling everybody that they're lions and not to mention acting like lions are so goddamn smart all right although I did see one jump on a giraffe the other day so it freaked out and run away from its baby it's weird sometimes I root for lions and then other times I don't I root for him against hyenas hyenas are like the hecklers of fucking the jungle I know you think that they're the comedians because they're laughing but they're fucking cunts I don't like them I don't like baboons I root for I root for leopards this is where my my loyalty is

like first of all baboons are no joke all right I respect them the way I respect the Yankees okay but the other day I don't fucking like them okay every once in a while you know leopards usually are just like all right I understand that you have a mouthful of teeth like I do like baboons have insane fucking canines and I know some fucking animal douche is gonna write in and be like oh actually the the the the fucking bite pressure of a baboon is one and a half times that of a leopard so um yeah the leopard runs away um every once in a while like a leopard doesn't leave you know and you see the baboon's a bit of a punk right not a bit of a punk but the baboon is like

you know I I respect it okay the fucking leopard eats baboons so it's it's the baboons the baboon's basically the dad right he's got to be like all right there's an intro to here the moms are like okay go get him dad he has to fucking go over there and fuck with this leopard you know it's already intimidating I would think for the baboon because the leopard is way better looking right nobody has a baboon fur coat right nobody does leopard yes absolutely absolutely it's fucking beautiful at least a fake leopard one nowadays so some cunt doesn't fucking spray paint your coat after you bought it um by the way here's my question do these fucking peter cunts do they ever do that to a pimp I don't think I've ever seen a peter cunt throw paint on a pimp's coat they

usually wait for some fucking they go they're really big on going after socialites you know they kind of like baboons right well I guess a baboon fucks with a leopard I don't know who's kidding who I don't really even know what the fuck I'm talking about this point but that's what I look at when I'm on when I'm on Instagram I look at animals killing each other I look at old trucks drummers and what else and these self-help fucking things and I have to stop sending them to Rachel because I am just fucking inundated with these goddamn things yes I did just use that big word and I pronounced it correctly I think I'm sure if I didn't that's another thing the baboon guy's gonna come at me for right um it's a non-date for your own edification and there's no s at the end

of any way okay um so plowing ahead I ran into somebody today and they were like hey man I saw you threw the you threw a strike you know good for you blah blah blah we started talking about people who threw the ball out and we both agreed all right I'm gonna see if you guys can guess who non-baseball player had the greatest first pitch ever as far as I'm concerned there's only one answer as far as the level of pressure this person was dealing with the time with which they did it and where they did it and the fucking dude threw gas and threw a fucking strike who do you got liberals are not gonna like this answer George W. Bush right after 9 11 he's coming in there the country needed a strike

he's in Yankee stadium the house that Babe Ruth built right he's at basic he's basically ground zero of fucking baseball history what did they have they had 26 championships at that point and he came out on the mound they brought him in he had a flak jacket on they had a fucking eagle was gonna come in after him if he bounced that ball uh it would have been brutal the guy went up there not only throws a strike he throws fucking gas and he must have been like what in his 50th shit he was probably a couple years older than me that's my all-time greatest first pitch ever thrown out I gotta go with George W. Bush now I'm sure somebody you know is gonna pick somebody else but I remember that and I remember people talking about man he fucking threw that thing didn't he

it was a good it was a good thing it was a good thing um all right let me do some reads here for the week where the fuck am I all right we got a couple of reads here uh bowl and branch everybody you know bowl and branch sheets aren't just buttery breathable and impossibly comfortable they get softer with every wash uh you know what a lot of people don't know that so do I every shower I take I get a little dumber uh forget thread count bowl and branch gives you thread quality yeah that's a big thing and what's the thread count that's what everybody asks and they don't even they don't even know what the fuck it means myself included right but anyway because it doesn't matter how many threads your sheets have if they aren't the best

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miss the bowl and branch april sale don't worry about it buddy we got you my listeners get exclusive access to all to post wait my listeners get exclusive access to a post sale 20 site wide discount through the end of april with the promo code burr burr at bowl and branch dot com b o l l for all you bowlers out there b o l l and branch uh dot com that's bowl and branch b o l l a n d branch dot com promo code burr uh burr for 20 off through the end of april and next look who we got here oh it's simply safe you guys you guys know i love the break in protection that my simply safe home security system gives me yeah i love that and also watching the possums and raccoons on the footage running around my fucking trash barrels at night i knew

those weren't cat paw prints uh actually a possum doesn't have paws shut up uh but it's not always outside forces that you that you need simply saves protection from this is joshua's story a simply safe customer from indiana indiana oh jesus christ i'm guessing methhead or a crazy farmer with a sickle okay let's see what happened a few months ago he fell asleep with pizza rolls still in the oven the fuck kind of story is i thought this was a break in okay let's make sure we get the name right what is this guy's name joshua oh i think weed is legal in indiana man josh you know he swung by the store for some medicinal help to go to sleep man so he puts his pizza rolls in the oven man it was like far out i got a pepperoni and a sausage man this all could have been disastrous

he fell asleep thousands are passed out depending on whatever this lunatic was doing thousands of dollars in damage to his kitchen or home or worse could have happened luckily joshua has comprehensive simply safe system equipped with everything to print to prevent breakings and smoke detectors to sniff out fires he startled awake to the sound of a 95 decibel alarm hey harsh in the mellow man from his simply safe base station seconds later he got a call from a simply safe professional monitor are you smoking weed against sun you got pizza in the oven get off your ass and put out the fire protecting people anyways the pizza rolls didn't make it but joshua did that's great that's a great story that's a feel-good story he believes simply

safe probably saved his life that night you know i'm going to get an email from this guy talking about how he actually works 60 hours a week ends a member of the national guard and that's why he was tired uh protecting people when their guard is down is just one of the reasons more than four million people use and love simply safe with a comprehensive simply safe system in 24 7 professional monitoring you're all you always have someone looking out for you plans cost under one dollar a day it's a dollar a day to not die in a fucking pizza fire with no long-term contracts or hidden fees ever you can customize the perfect system for your home in just a few minutes at simplysafe.com slash burr go today and claim a free indoor security camera plus 20 off with interactive

monitoring go to simplysafe.com slash burr s i m p l i s a f e dot com slash burr man um all right you know when i was a kid speaking of pizza they used to have these frozen pizzas before frozen pizzas they had these little ones they were little bite-sized pizzas and there was like either nine or 12 to like a sheet right and you take out a sheet and maybe it's just a box that's you just had the one right there were these little circle ones they were probably i don't know i'd say a little more than half the size of a hockey puck in in like circumference right and one whole row was sausage the other whole row was pepperoni and the other whole row was cheese okay and i come from the latchkey generation your parents both were at work they shared a car

you lived in a duplex you know what i mean it's one of those deals you want to have fun christ you went outside you climbed a tree how old do i sound um anyway so we used to come home and we used to turn on the oven because that's what you do i just realized that your parents aren't home they gave you a key and now you're turning on the oven and there was no simply safe back then man you were on your own that's what's wrong with these millennials man um we're all like 40 now aren't they um isn't it time to blame another generation for shit that older generations created the millennials let me give you let me give you a little little forecast here you're gonna do the same thing um it's what you do unless you become

one of the rare the rarest thing on the planet a cool old guy a cool old guy who lived the life he wanted to live found the woman he wanted to be with and therefore is happy or happy for young people man encourages them rather than telling them everything that doing is wrong i tell you what i did was wrong is i ate chinese food too fast now i have the hiccups anyway so we turn the stove on as you do and we throw those fuckers in there and we would sit down and we would just fucking chow those things and it was either that or they had these things called steakhumps which i know i've brought up a zillion times so i won't bore you with it again but those were the big ones or you just came home and you ate donuts and back in the day you didn't buy donuts at a donut place unless it

was after church other than that you had donuts that god knows when they were made somebody made these fucking things and they put them on a truck and they were driven states across states all right and then you're fucking they just stuck them in a goddamn supermarket now i know they still have donuts in supermarkets and i got to be honest with you you know there's something really cool about having donuts in your house if you just don't give a fuck right that's always been like the big thing for me if you're eating donuts you don't give a fuck i know the expression is cake eater but you know you got to be honest dude you keep there's not a lot of places to get cake but fucking donuts especially out here in LA for a city that is so goddamn vain well at least

Hollywood is let's not blame all of LA by the way all right there's plenty of people that like guns four-wheelers and fucking you know reality show tv stars with long ties there's plenty of those people out there they're just not right in Hollywood but anyway i used to buy these fucking donuts and they had three rows they had powdered they had cinnamon and they had the fucking plain ones and the plain ones was for the weakest of the herd all right all the siblings came home all right the oldest ate high on the hog ate the cinnamon and the powdered and then the fucking the weak ones would just get the plain ones and every once in a while they'd try to sneak a powdered one and then they'd get beat down and that was the 70s everybody and that is the podcast sorry

that was a sad story of children getting beaten over powdered sugar donuts you know and i'll tell you right now i think that's why this country so fucked up the way it is today it ain't social media it's them powdered donuts from supermarket back in 1975 um all right that is the uh that is the podcast oh by the way i'm getting my fucking car fixed i told you my son closed the fucking gate on it it was hilarious i was like how the fuck did i hit i never i never hit the gate in my fucking life how did i side swipe that thing and i looked up and he was just fucking standing in the window he somehow got the controller and he's just fucking pressing on the floor with all his might so what are you gonna do what are you gonna do all right that is the podcast congratulations to my

boston bread socks hey blue jay fans congratulations to you guys you got a hell of a fucking squad jesus christ you know if they're half as good as their hair is that tilapia guy whatever the fuck his name is fucking walking around looking like he's about ready to drop a hit album who has fucking white extensions nobody you know i like about that guy he doesn't he doesn't give a fuck about a cutoff man he always throws to the plate all right that's it the Bruins tonight i think this is their final home season uh regular season game it's gotta be they're playing the buffalo sabus and then it's playoff time it's playoff time you got the basketball and the hockey playoff and in the middle the connective tissues you watch a little bit of baseball this is fucking

fun it's one of the great times of the year it's just it's reverse october we're october you have the baseball playoffs you got fucking football and you got basketball and hockey start i don't know i like this time of year we got you got because you only have baseball playoffs everything else is just sort of starting this time of year baseball's starting and you got two other four sports are going in the playoffs we get it bill all right whatever i'm excited all right listen to the uh a little bit of music here a little interlude and then we're going to play a bonus half hour thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast that is it have a great weekend you cunts oh by that i didn't talk f1 dude formula one if you're gonna jump in this is the

fucking year to jump in all right max for stappin and red bull i believe they went one and two i had the sound down i was on the road fucking edit in this damn movie and uh but i was watching the thing i don't know what happened with ferrari on this one but i think ferrari they're still in the lead as the driver and i also believe is the team red bull not only do they finally finish a goddamn race they went one and two and then uh mercedes other driver whatever his name is came in fourth so they're hanging in there for whatever reason uh louis hamilton was in 14th place and i would have loved to have the volume out and live with hamilton is in 14th place um i would have loved to listen to that but what i'm loving about this is finally there's people that can compete against

mercedes and the best part is do you think mercedes is gonna suck all year do you think louis hamilton is not fucking sitting there right now being like guys i am not gonna be driving a car that's gonna come in 14th fucking place he's gonna fucking snap on all of those guys in a good way in a leadership way and they're gonna get his car where it needs to be and the best thing in formula one there's nothing like watching louis hamilton have to play catch up and all these years all it was was just hoping he didn't get pole position and didn't win the first turn and then you got to see a little bit of racing now it's phenomenal and shout out to whoever that poor woman is on espn who has to

announce that we're going to commercial but you won't miss any race i feel like she's probably getting cursed out by race fans um because if you've been watching it over here i don't know this is like the second year in a row that they do this shit over here where now that espn has it they have to have their fucking commercials um and that's why you tape it to fast forward through but don't take it out on her people it's not her fault it's espn's espn the same people who are too afraid to talk about the grace and allen grant williams collision that is coming all right in the next round okay i'll talk to you guys later me

hey what's going on it's bill burrow and it's the monday morning podcast for monday april 28th 2014 what's going on how are you i am recording this at uh i'm actually recording sunday night i just finished doing my show here in albany um at this beautiful theater i don't even fucking know the name of well look at that would you look at that and you're probably like why bill you arrogant ass everybody came down to the fucking show you don't even know the name of the place well the reason for that is is uh i've been on vacation and uh i felt like i was shaking rust off this weekend i had good shows and everything but i was more trying to remember the order of things how i kind of did shit and what connected to what and uh whenever i do that

i'm in my head too much and that i don't it doesn't flow as well um you know only i noticed but i noticed so uh either way i want to thank everybody who came out in burlington vermont um people who came out in portland main and people came out here in albany new york it was great to come back to this part of the country i did a lot of my early stand-up especially up in main i used to do all the bob molly gigs up there and uh the old comedy connection up there i used to do and um i didn't do too much shit in vermont you know vermont is a uh i don't know that's like it was just a little i was south of boston so you know you drove up 93 a root three you fucking went to hampshire then you shot right into main that was basically at that little corner of it that i i went to

and um so this time when i came back i'm burlington vermont to portland i could have i could have driven the fast way but i decided to go the scenic route i'm gonna go to the scenic route and see what the country looks like and i fucking went there and it was amazing to look at but i like i kept getting stuck behind people in like minivans or trucks and i'm driving like a psycho and after a while there's only so many furniture stores and barns and old places with signs that you can look at before you want to get the fuck out of there but um we had a great time at vermont i didn't realize they had the heroin problem they did you know i didn't bring it up during the show because it was so not funny but jesus christ how the fuck is there heroin like that level of a problem in

vermont vermont's like one of those states where you know you finally knock up your woman you're like you know what why don't we give this kid a great childhood and where should we move this kid where no one can hurt him and he can fucking run around with horses and all of that shit right and uh you you know vermont's one of those places oh that's right they had it in rolling stone the new face of heroin the explosion of drugs like oxygotin has given way to the heroin epidemic ravaging the least likely corners of america jesus christ like vermont what does it say how do you pronounce b-u-c-o-l-i-c b-u-c-o-l-i-c bucolic bucacchi vermont which has just woken up to a full blown crisis

you know ever since aids came out not a lot of people say full blown anymore so i want to give i want to give rolling stone a good nod there you know i was talking to you about a while ago i was looking at theaters to do a new special in and inside on old theaters the only time you used the word ornate and another example is full blown full blown is only used with aids i mean what did they say i'm trying to think pre-age do i fucking remember full blown we got a full blown epidemic i'll tell you last night i went to the bathroom after that Mexican food i took a full blown shit i don't know what people used to say but ever since i can remember since the mid 80s full blown has always been followed with aids

look how much progress we've made with that disease not only can people live longer with hchiv virus you can actually now save full blown crisis that's a major that's a major movement you know um anyways i gotta read this whole thing i gotta read this whole thing it was it was terrible to see because it's such a beautiful freaking place oh bill shut up with your stupid travel tips yeah well you know go fuck yourself what do you want from me i went i went to three places where you go either skiing or antiquing all right there was no snow so what else was i supposed to do i went up there with versey and i brought some cubans out that way i gotta lay off this habit i really gotta i'm i'm done with it i'm not done

with it who's kidding who but i i gotta i gotta knock it down all right i smoked enough cigars this month to uh i don't know what kill a fucking grizzly bear i like him but i i'm i'm finishing the cubans i got left and then i'm going to be done for a while at least that's what i'm telling myself all right let's talk hl playoffs people i apologize to if the if the energy isn't what you're used to on this podcast uh like i said i'm in this hotel room and you remember what happened to me when jersey when i was screaming cunt at the top of my lungs i'm trying to avoid that trying to avoid that uh hey you know something i was giving myself shit about all my stanley cup picks and all of a sudden every all the series is other that they're turning around here

you know chicago comes back and beats the blues man that what that was amazing and devastating to watch you know amazing for black hawk fans but that's all they've seen for the last few years so uh i feel less good for them and more bad for st louis jesus christ how many times they're going to break your heart that team is aptly named the blues jesus christ what are you what are you gonna you got to come up with a new name for that fucking team they just keep doing that to their fans how many times and then they keep coming back great fans why do they keep blowing series minnesota actually tied up the series with uh the avalanche before they went back up three to two and i felt really good about it till mac cook blew out somebody else's knee once again

or as he calls it finishing his check i saw his apology not his apology just talking about he has he has cleaned up his game he actually won an award for being the most improved player but i just don't get sticking your fucking i don't get it i don't get how that's finishing your fucking check i don't why that the the reason that you would do that i mean he still could have brought his stick up maybe and hit the guy in his shoulder or something like that you don't fucking do that but nothing i don't understand is why the guy who decides to do a knee to knee check how come both their knees don't blow out or how come sometimes the other guys who who's doing the dirty move like his knee doesn't blow up i gotta tell you i think stefan can tell

i think he's he's going uh he's going really lenient he only gave him a seven game suspension and he only gave lucic a five thousand dollar fine for stabbing somebody right between the balls i don't know this guy's like a player's coach who the fuck knows anyways the ducks all right so minnesota could still win that series but that wouldn't make me happy because you know what the fuck they did or matt cook did but i called the chicago series the ducks are probably on right now they're up three to two i picked the ducks in that one i did pick the kings over the shacks that one's three to two who the fuck knows they are the sharks sort of the west coast saint louis blues where they just put there they just torture their fans they get them all excited hey we might

do something go fuck yourself go watch a baseball game sorry about that come back in october you know there's certain fans they just like like san diego charger fans it's just like what the fuck did they do to deserve what that team does to them every god damn yeah philadelphia eagle fans well actually you know what they did you know what they did you can't feel bad for philadelphia eagle fans you just can't not all if some of them you can't the ones who actually go to the game and are human beings but that that core fan base of fucking animals i mean you're surprised you're surprised to even know what the score is they just hose them down every game that's their bath give them eight baths a year eight home games right now canadiens they've wrapped theirs up

four games to done the penguins are coming back there three to two god help you if you don't like hockey and i picked the flyers they actually tied it up to two now it's three two rangers so who knows i still make my picks might all come in and what would that mean bill i don't know i don't fucking know so now the broons get to play the uh the blue blanket cunts though i actually like the canadiens and i like their uniforms but i just can't stand their fans ah Jesus they're so fucking there's such fucking pussies i just the way the way they throw up their fucking hands when they think they got robbed on a call they're so god damn dramatic why don't you just take a little fucking hanky out of your front pocket and fucking wave it at the ref with three of your fingers in

the air you know i actually went to a game there early this year and i found they're either like that or they're absolute animals that's that's those are canadian fans they're either the stereotypical french person minus the bio i will give them that or they they look like absolute animals they look like they came in from some northern fucking province but anyways i'm just breaking that balls all right i think this obviously it's a broons canadian series i know we've swept each other in the past but i just think that i don't know we're even enough it's just never easy it's it's gonna go there's i don't think that they could beat us in under seven games and i don't think that we could beat them in in under six and the sixth game would be

in montreal it's it's gotta go seven right it's gotta go seven when we both have competitive teams it goes seven it's gonna be a classic and i'll tell you right now if you're not in the hockey and you want to get into it why don't you check out the broons canadian series all right so so there's that uh jesus christ why do i try to do a podcast after a fucking show huh i just want to wind down and add to my fucking pasty belly that's what i want to do i want to go down to the hotel kiosk and go get some fucking Oreo cookies and then some of those nuclear orange crackers and you eat the orange crackers first you get the salt going like yeah yeah yeah right and then you fucking throw the sugar down your throat

and you wake up the next day and your your teeth look like a fucking fruit punch thing i don't know what anyways i haven't been boozing out here and i'm out of sorts and so now like i guess i'm gonna smoke cigars like can i just fucking try and do something healthy i watched this whole thing online that creeped me the fuck out about the bacteria in your gut you know it was funny as hell i actually clicked on this thing and they got me and i thought it was like that one of these conspiracy theory uh videos but it was actually an advertisement thing because for like the first 10 minutes like an asshole i'm watching this and this guy's talking about food in this country being the united states and he's going just like he's going like the video

they don't want you to see and he kept going they they this and they that and all this fucking bullshit and and he was just talking about how in your gut you're basically you have 80 80% good bacteria and 20% bad bacteria and if you keep it at that balance you won't be lethargic you'll have energy and you'll basically be a healthy person and you know for the most part they think that that's the the best balance to have to not get uh cancer and that type of shit so i'm watching this shit and they're talking about probiotics foods with uh probiotics like yogurt and fucking uh what's that what's that fucking shit that looks like onions but it isn't sauerkraut all right looks like caramelized onions that never turned brown it looks like me as a caramelized

onion right sauerkraut right olives pickles that type of shit has probiotics that's the good bacteria in your gut and the 20% shit um that stuff is actually believe it or not this is really fucked up and when you talk about your your mortality the 20 20% of the bacteria the what they call the bad bacteria is its job is to basically eat you when you die i know i don't know that's what the video said i'm not a doctor don't take this you can do the fucking research so basically because the food in our country is such fucking poison i guess what is happening to a lot of people is that the 20% is getting too high and the 80 is dropping the good versus the bad and it reaches a tipping point where the the the bad bacteria

outweighs the good bacteria and it starts taking over and it starts fucking eating away at you like you're dead and it can get all the way up into your fucking brain and you start craving the sugars and the salts this is why i'm talking about this stuff now i don't know if this is true because in the end of it they of course had a pill that was going to solve all of this and god knows i didn't go to medical school not like you needed me to tell you that shit you could just tell that by the way i try and read out loud right but anyways i think the core of what they were saying was true because it sounded good i'll be totally honest i didn't look up any of this shit so i'm like you know what yogurt

as probiotics and i'll start eating yogurt like a fucking twinkle toes there so i'm like fucking i'm gonna start i'm gonna what are you gonna do bill i'm gonna fucking i'm gonna eat some yogurt right so what i wanted but i want to get the good yogurt all right i don't want to get the yogurt that just says all natural or says 100 healthy for you no trans fats and all that shit because you know those those those big-time corporate fucking food makers they found a way to get around all of that shit basically what they did was they got their own people in the FDA whatever the fuck it is they they find loopholes where they can you know they they draw a picture of a farm with the sun the sun behind it 100 natural organic and all that and it isn't you know they're

down there beating the chickens right cutting their beaks off that big fucking breast and they're tipping over and shit that's that's basically still what you're eating and they can write 100 organic and all that crap they they figure out a way around so i'm sitting there trying to find like i looked up all natural yogurt i'll do it right now just bear with me here all right just the amount of you can't find it i or at least i don't know how to find it i don't know how to find a reputable reputable website that i can trust that will tell me basically where where i where the the the thing that says 100 organic that actually is organic so i just looked up organic yogurt and uh and this is this is the stonyfield.com that's the one that comes up i don't know what

their deal is so i click on these guys like wallaby yogurt Strauss family creamery.com now that's a great name for a corporate fucking farm as they'll call it the Strauss family creamery all right family was fucking whacked they are buried underneath the farm but what killed me is like i go on these these websites and i click on them and then they have like big like corporate fucking advertisement in the side so it's just like you guys you guys are in bed with the devil here i mean maybe these guys are real i maybe i actually finally this shit looks real now i don't fucking know it's like when you go to like edmunds blue book or edmunds and you're trying to find the actual price of a car when you go to buy it and then you look

in the side and like chevrolet is paying for advertising on there and like that it's like a major red flag it's like if you're underlying every car salesman at chevrolet letting them know what a fucking lumina actually cost you if they still make that fucking thing the lumina guy the lumina right why would they advertise does any of this make any sense just can you guys tell me where do i go where is there a website that can actually tell me where the good food is where the food is that's that says it's organic and actually is organic now Jesus did i just open up a fucking can of worms with that one all these fucking people are just gonna the amount of shit that's going to be written to me and the amount of it that's going to have liberal or obama i don't know

you know like what the fuck i retweeted something the other day about how they're trying to get rid of a lot of the freedom of speech on the internet you know the amount of racist on there i don't know how bad an idea that would be sometimes but generally speaking they're trying to sew it up right so it's this really creepy article about how they're going about doing it and pushing it through congress and all this shit so i retweet it because it's interesting and i figure maybe somebody smart will look at it and maybe they can do something about it because i'm too fucking stupid so i retweet it and then somebody writes back right so you're surprised that obama lied that's what they write and it's just i swear to god those kinds of comments i actually feel like

those people who write those are fake i don't believe that they're actual citizens i think they work for the government and they do that just to start that stupid republican democrat arguing with each other so nothing gets done you know what i mean it's just the assumption that like it's like i didn't vote for the guy the guy doesn't control the fucking internet you didn't do anything the guy fucking makes four in a grand a fucking year makes four in a grand a year he's set up to be bribed that's why i don't vote democrat or republican at that level it's bullshit it's fucking over okay this is just really interesting this is gonna happen i'm just trying to get it out there and you're gonna rather than having people read this and if it is true

and they want to change it rather than going down that road you're gonna try to knock it off fucking course with that bullshit so uh i don't know i gotta pat myself on the back because i actually didn't take the bait probably because i only have 18 characters to call this guy a cunt or whatever the fuck they give you on on twitter but um i don't know can you do me a favor can somebody just for the full love of god start a fucking movement where people stop doing that stop fucking war because the republican stuff forget it it's over right your argument's over um anyway i don't know i'm talking about either guys all right i'm fucking wiped out here uh let's let's do a little bit of advertising oh Jesus look who's back it's our old friends yes you guessed it

what the hell is it there it is our old friends sherry's berries they came back our good friends at sherry's berries are back what the hell holiday is coming up easter already went away oh you're gonna get this for your mother um order giant freshly covered strawberries from sherry's berries starting at 1999 and over 40 savings or the or double the berries for just ten dollars more click on the mic in the upper right hand corner you just need my code burp urr when you order um after all she went through hours of labor to push you out of her gross kept you alive and fed you for years go to berries.com and get your mom freshly dipped berries this is so gross for 1999 when you enter my code burr make your mom proud with this sweetness

they're doing this on purpose i just this is an enormous fresh juicy mouth watering berries white milk and dark chocolate covered goodness topped with chocolate chips decorative swizzle or nuts order your mom some sherry's berries today go to berries.com enter the code burr and show your brothers and sisters why you are mom's favorite child this deal expires friday at midnight make sure you order now do you realize the amount of fucking what is that an edible con concept what the fuck is it what's that thing when you want to fuck your mom that was just too creepy anyways pro flowers bill here at pro flowers we get it you have a show to do you don't want to think up the content for the advertisers that's our is this not what i'm not supposed to be reading

out loud we're on your show this week to remind you that your fans oh i guess this is supposed to be them okay i'm sorry we're on your show this week to remind you and your fans that mother's day is next week you're reminding me too it's it's fucking april uh you got to admit the woman who brought us into the world just please don't bring up her veg and put up with all of our shenanigans is one heck of a lady and ought to get some special stuff this mother's day we're talking we're taking a guess that you gave your mom a few gray hairs along the way so now's the time mother's day is on may 11th in case anyone needs a clue fill her special day with one dozen assorted colored roses with a free glass vase from pro flowers dot com just for 1999 if mom has a green thumb

upgrade sorry upgrade i gotta stop doing this all right dude you guys really need to you really need to proofread some of this stuff because it can be taken so many different ways all right upgrade to the pink potted rose or yellow potted rose plant for just 999 more your listeners can get this special mother's day deal using your code burr burr order now while supplies last besides the longer you wait

the price will go up jesus happens every time pro flowers are guaranteed to last a full week or get your money back the only way to get this amazing mother's day deal is to go to pro flowers dot com click on the blue microphone in the top right hand corner and type in burr that's pro flowers dot com click the blue microphone and type in burr this deal expires friday at midnight make sure you order them today all right that's enough of that good lord um maybe it wasn't that maybe was the the copy before that that got me thinking the way i was just thinking that was weird all right um let's get back to the podcast oh oh oh jesus um 24 fucking minutes in all right what did i talk oh i gotta tell you this story uh me and versi um new jersey's own paul versi the pride of

of uh what do we say the pride pride of red bank now he's too dumb to be in red bank we'll say trenton um we were working in uh portland oregon and we're staying at this fucking hotel right and uh there was some sort of uh glee club convention of people like 50 years you know 40 50 years old like they called themselves harmony incorporated and they were having like this regional um they were having like this this regional i don't know what this this sing-off thing between these different acapella bands not bands they just sing acapella and every year they have a different theme so that this year was superhero so there's all these old ladies and guys walking around with superman capes and they're harmonizing in the fucking lobby right so me and versi are standing

outside smoking these cigars right that's fucking freezing out and shit but you can't smoke anywhere anymore so we're standing outside smoking these things and all of a sudden we see this guy come walking out he's got like a wife beater on a beer belly and these mutton shops and his jet black hair slick back and a big medallion i'm thinking he's coming he's an Elvis impersonator right and he comes walking out turns out he's like a he's wolverine from uh from x-men he didn't have mutton chops it went up and around like he had died his beard i guess i don't know what whatever and he's got like fucking he's got this gardener glove with like three butter knives coming out of it and he's got this giant cigar and i'm like please come out

here i gotta talk to this guy so he come out there and he tells us the whole fucking story in in the middle of us telling the story his wife is bringing the car around and i swear to god i said something and i made him laugh and he farted and he didn't address it okay he's standing there dressed like wolverine with these butter knives coming out and he laughed as he was telling this story and it wasn't just like a quick one it went like swear to god i thought he should himself and he didn't address it and he's sort of like at one point he just sort of he gave one swat behind his ass like to make it go away and i think i thought he did it with his regular hand versi insists that he did it with his butter knife hand either way he he didn't address it

and i was sitting there going like did he just fart was that versi who farted and i fucking looked at versi and versi's looking at me he just had this look on his face like this dude just farted and i had my hoodie up because it was cold out i buzzed down my head so my head was fucking cold so i put my hoodie up i had my hoodie up when i was smoking when i saw versi's face i just turned around and would not i couldn't look at either one of them and i was laughing my ass off unfortunately his wife pulled up and i basically i left versi by himself versi had to look at this guy and keep the conversation going after this he basically sickly sharded right in front of us and never addressed it and so versi tried to say there's your wife pulling up with a

car but he was laughing it made no sense he just said oh there's your wife but you'd never laugh at that but because he just farted he's like oh there's your wife so suddenly he was laughing at his wife like how fucked up she looked but she didn't she was beautiful and he's like all right guys see later and he waves with his his butter knives and he just fucking got in the car and drove away looking like wolf like a fat retired wolverine oh my god we fucking laughed our asses off and we just kept imitating that far they looked like it fucking came around a corner um anyways that's gross what are we doing here on this fucking podcast let's um oh you know what i just did one of those city tours here in albany uh i had my good friend tom louis come down and he filmed me

i did a tour of this city and it's one of these these cities like buffalo like cleven like detroit where you see the beautiful city there's just no money here to get it going there's like abandoned buildings and that type of shit you get a couple blocks over it looks like you're in uh baltimore you know another great city it's fucking unbelievable how that happened so i guess i'll out here though they're starting to make more money because they're working on something called uh i don't nano something or i figure what the fuck it is it's basically shit that they're gonna maybe start putting in food to make it last even longer like preservatives don't already make it last fucking longer i don't i don't fucking know either way it'll get pushed through people will say it's

good and then you'll try it and then someday you'll fucking i don't know one of your feet will fall off which is why i'm just trying to find some fucking yogurt okay i just find some yogurt that now can i get some probiotics in me and watch the advertisement they got me they hooked me all right but i'm not buying their pill fuck them all right i want to buy just some yogurt can i just get some for somebody for the love of fucking gorge and somebody helped me find where the fucking food is that doesn't kill you can somebody do that as i said there's smoke and cigars what a fucking hypocrite um all right let's let's read some uh some letters for this week here we go podcasts podcast helps me fall asleep um dear bill i've been a fan of us for years

when you played cleveland about six years back i met you and you were so personable are you sure this was me um anyways i had sleeping issues for years i discovered your monday morning podcast in your old podcast uh uninformed with joe de rosa i listen to them every night and laugh while your boston accent and yelling helps me fall asleep that's hilarious it takes my mind off my day i just wanted to say thank you and keep it up oh that was from a lady that might have been like passive aggressive what she's saying like you're so fucking boring i fall asleep well uh you know either that or you grew up in a household like mine where everyone was fucking screaming at each other i don't know oh i forgot i went to the uh i went to the red socks

take me out to the ball game i went to that red socks game the day after the uh the day after the pintar incident which was so fucking stupid i mean you know what's funny is they all know that they do it and i guess it's just to get a better grip on the baseball so i mean it's cheating because they don't allow it but it's not really cheating it's actually smart i mean you're throwing an object like close to a hundred miles an hour you could kill somebody if you're having problems gripping it because it's so fucking cold uh i mean everybody in baseball is saying pintar does not it doesn't change the action on the ball so uh i guess that's why they have the rosin bag which is just powder and powder doesn't work in cold weather so everybody puts a little

glob of it somewhere i don't fucking know um and i gotta be honest with you i finally just watched the video and everybody's like oh my god dude it was so obvious no it wasn't it was obvious after they said it and then everybody's like dude we could fucking see it from right field now you couldn't and what after it happened um didn't didn't we all cheer when mark maguire was hitting the home runs we all thought it was great we thought he was doing some extra curls then all of a sudden he gets busted or admits to it and then everybody knew go fuck yourself i was caught up in it i went down there with christmas in my eyes i thought him and say i thought if he did i thought no way sammy sosa did and then once i found both of them broke my heart then i thought everybody did um so anyway

we went to the uh we went to the redsox game um i went down there with my mom took my mom to the game and had a great time we got pounded it was fucking hilarious it was like uh i think it was seven to nothing after three innings we'd already committed two or three errors committed five for the game by the end of the game like some utility outfielder came in and pitched for us and uh uh yeah it was a shit show it was like a four hour four hour fucking game and four on five minute or something like that and uh it was freezing cold but um i didn't leave you know and i learned that from my mom and i was there with my mom so we stayed to the end and um it was unreal we ended up walking out and uh the Bruins game was still going because it was uh it was an over time that's

right critical game too we didn't want to let detroit back into the series you know and tie it up two to two this was to go up three to one and we were walking back to the car and we walked by a bar and the Bruins game was on in there and i said my mom hey you almost want to dip in there and watch a little bit of the Bruins and she's like sure so we walked in there we were literally in there for like 90 seconds that's all i saw of the game the final 90 seconds and uh dougie hamilton came down took the shot gilna tipped it in and everybody went fucking nuts and i gotta tell you i really missed living back here just how uh sports crazy it is and it's the teams that i love like you're literally you're at the red socks game and out there they you know they got the

the old-time scoreboard and they still put the Bruins up there you know instead of first inning it's first period second period third period they got to the old the overtime and they left it there for a minute they like well we don't have OT and somebody finally was like well just put the four up there they'll get it and um that was a fucking great time hey like an animal back here all the fucking places i used to eat at when i was in my late teens early 20s where i could eat that shit and still wake up with a flat stomach as opposed to now looking like a fucking tub of shit you know and uh uh fuck i'm driving back from albany and i'm going to hit another spot before i go to the airport tomorrow i'm just loading up on it and then i'm lying to myself that i'm

going to eat this fucking yogurt this probiotic shit and i'm going to beat down the the bad guys i'd love to know where i'm at right now with those fucking things i'll tell you right now if boos if boos kills the bad bacteria in your gut i will never decompose how about that anyways well listen i'm glad my podcast helps you fall asleep i guess don't tell the advertisers that um yeah me and jarosa we got to get that uninformed thing going again he's uh he's a big fancy guy right now he's been writing on the wonderful peat home show and i think they're wrapping their series um their season i should say this week so maybe me and joe will uh maybe we'll sit down and maybe we'll crank an uninformed out who knows i don't

want to keep raising up your hopes because i keep saying that you know like that fucking team that makes the playoffs every year and then blows it in the first round i don't be that i kind of have been that way though with the uninformed shit though so i apologize anyways um all right here's another one bill can i make it you guys remember that early 80s sitcom that didn't last for too long making it making it to with blah blah blah we something something we did that and we blah we're making it this time in life i'm taking it this is a failed sitcom people no more no more faking it i watched every episode you ever do that you ever watched like every episode of a failed sitcom and when it fails you kind of feel like you failed like i'm the only idiot

that was watching this shit i watched hello larry every episode of that and i loved it they fucking took that off i watched every episode of making it my two dads that's actually an interesting one joni loves cha chi i watched every episode of that and they just fucking they they just made me feel dumb then i lost all my tv watching self-esteem and i just waited till find out what the hits were then i would just bandwagon on like chairs moon lighting and that type of shit back in the day how awful was bruce willis's haircut in fucking moon lighting he was doing all he could fucking do so he was starting to lose it he had like the fonsi duck tail duck tail the da in the back and then on top i don't know what the fuck he was doing he

was poofing it up um you look like a balding vampire okay anyways bill can i make it it was like a fucking disco ball and shit in the beginning of it did somebody find that i've actually tried to find it on youtube i want to say i found it one time but i've i've looked it up on imdb i can't find it i know that the theme song was making it i think it was and i want to say the star of the show actually sang the song so he would have got fucking paid that that's a showbiz thing you might not know showbiz you might not know that if you write the song like the theme song to the show like you get paid every time they fucking play it how awesome is that that's why merv griffin you know not only did he write those games that you know create all those game shows

like wheel of fortune and jeopardy he actually wrote like you know when you're thinking of shit that song do that fucking thing he wrote that so every time they played it he got paid again do you think you do you think you have enough musical ability to come up with something like that do do do do do do do how far into it could you get were you actually good enough to come up with do do do do do do do do do do do right do that's that's that's that's what makes everybody that's the hook do do do do do and then you go oh i remember that part from the beginning and then you're fucking in there it's genius what a giant had that guy had no wonder we were so smart you know he must have a huge fucking brain i bet the bad bacteria is still munching away on that one

huh jesus that's awful um can i make it hi there bill my name is ben and i'm from israel no you're not there's nobody named ben from israel ben's will visit israel i thought that was like an american name like ben franklin you know sometimes i notice how dumb i am that was one of those moments sorry ben from israel all right i'm 33 years old a father and i've recently decided my dream is to work in comedy i've written a lot of funny bits but sadly the stand-up scene isn't very developed here i'm also not a funny guy he put in quotes so i feel it might not be for me to uh might not be uh i'm going to try to correct this it's not might not be basically my path to perform even though i write

some funny shit how do you recommend i approach this uh practice the only open mic in israel filled with weirdos and only once a week uh get a funny actor friend to do my material find amateur nights i don't want to waste any more time i want to make some sort of career from comedy um all right well unfortunately sir you can't rush these kinds of things i would do all of that but you the the advantage that you have because i know you want to do this quickly because you feel like you're 33 years old and you gotta you got a kid you gotta you gotta make make something happen here um you're you're you're actually advanced in that you you understand your strengths and your weaknesses and you're trying to see if you can work on your weaknesses to maybe perform

or go to your strength and have somebody else perform it for you i would try um look the open mic is only once a week so what the fuck what does that take that's one night out of the week all right the rest of the time you can try other stuff you can try um making youtube videos you can try writing scripts you can try all of that shit now the great thing about show business is uh you just start doing it and then you're in the business and if you don't stop eventually you will start making money if you write something that people that appeals to people but you're never going to know unless you do it um my biggest advice i would give you is quit thinking about the fact that you're 33 years old and focus more on the fact that it's a dream that you want to that

you know that you want to achieve and um you got to go after that stuff in life or else you're going to have regret um what you don't want you know so i would just i would focus on that don't quit your day job as they say just keep doing that so everything's good and then as you start making more money in comedy eventually you transition over that's all there is to it so all i got to really say is congratulations ben welcome to the world of comedy have a good fucking time and don't be too hard on yourself all right stay away from the cunts negative people and uh you know i don't know whether there's no comedy scene over there so you can create one how about that there you go jesus christ there's got to be plenty of shit to talk about there

with all that stuff going on huh you know what you should do why don't you start a fucking in israeli palestinian comedy night you know you guys all hang out and get along then they can do a local piece going you know maybe politically these two sides don't get along but when it comes to laughing they all speak the same language my name is susie sunquist here's my cleavage and i'm standing in front of the first comedy club in israel let's go over and talk to ben ben how did you come up with doing comedy with your mortal enemy you know fucking things right there it's wide open it's wide open it's like when vegas first starts they're waiting for you to open the casino bet all right there you go all right what do we got here girlfriends

withdrawal she's withdrawing dear bill nye the illiterate guy you know it's funny that's a funny joke and i blew it because i can't read out loud because i'm kind of illiterate dear bill nye the illiterate guy uh big fan of your podcast looking forward to others i'll get right to it my girlfriend and i have a very active sex life we've been trying to see we've been trying to stay sorry i'm still thinking of why that green thumb made me laugh and i'm not going to fucking tell you why big fan of your specials looking forward to others i'll get right to it my girlfriend and i have a very active sex life and we've been trying to stay safe during and she recently suggested during what and she recently suggested that we withhold from sex until she obtains birth control well jesus christ yes

my issue is that the apartment is a month and a half away oh jesus christ dude fucking rub one out said my bs meter is going crazy on this all of a sudden we can't use a condom anymore do you think this is caused for more concern or am i just being paranoid thanks in advance and go fuck yourself wait a minute wait a minute that's interesting i didn't even look at it that way let me reread this read this my girlfriend and i have a very active sex life we've been trying to stay safe during this time she recently suggested that we withhold from sex until she obtains birth control all right and it's a month and a half away my bs meter is going crazy all of a sudden we can't even use a condom anymore no i don't think that's cause for concern what do you think what do you think she's doing

that's not cause for concern that's uh you know you were getting the cookie and now she took the cookies away and you're kind of upset about it um i don't know you're a young guy so you want to fuck every day and i imagine a month and a half seems like a million miles away i'm an older guy so i'm like yeah i'll give a shit jerk off like twice i can do six weeks easy um no i wouldn't she might have maybe one of her friends had an issue and it scared the shit out of her and i don't know what but um what i would do is i would sit down and talk to her about it without being accusatory and i would just say listen i just want to talk to you about uh the whole birth control thing if we could and there's nothing women enjoy better than that guy actually saying i would like to sit down

and discuss something in a relationship they love doing that at least the ones that you know unless they're wired like a guy and if they are they're like oh my god shut up um and just say listen you know we've been obviously we've had a great sex life yeah and you know i love you you got to do that bullshit that's like the beginning of a speech you're like welcome everybody thank you for coming because it's an honor to be up here that's what you're doing you know i love you you're beautiful and then you get to the fucking point just say listen we had a very active sex life we've been using a condom nothing's ever happened and all of a sudden i understand you want to be on birth control which is cool i'm just making sure if there's no other issue um you know because

you know i find you really attractive and six weeks is a long ways away and i was just wondering why we couldn't continue to use a condom i'm not pressuring you i'm just asking because i really want to fuck you no don't say that last part that's what i would do you scots to sit down and talk to your bitch motherfucker um i'm married i'm not dead dare bill bill the beguiling i don't even know what that means you know what's funny you guys all the time are writing and saying how good i am at giving out advice i'm the classic person that's good at giving out advice in that i give out great advice and then continue to walk around and being a complete fucking idiot you know i gotta i got like everything that i just said to that

fucking guy i should be saying to myself why don't i do that why don't i sit down and just say hey you know i love you you know i think you go i just want to thank you for being here coming here there's anything and then just be able to calmly i don't know i gotta get rid of this fucking anger man it's it's i gotta get rid of this shit like you know i don't have to get rid of it but it can't be the default fucking emotion like when i was driving across from modern new hampshire down to portland man going across route two the amount of times i had a a a mild heart attack is i'm flipping out about the douchebag driving in front of me only to finally you know when it becomes two lanes go past them and see it's a cute little old lady and that's why they're

driving slow you think i would learn the lesson like oh you know there's some old people out here bill why don't you relax this is syrup country they do things a little slower up here you know i did i just kept making the same mistake over and fucking over again driving like a maniac you know i made the decision to get off the fucking highway you know what happens you know you're going to end up behind some pickup truck pulling a couple of fucking horses for a good hour and i still got i'm an idiot i really have to conquer that if anybody knows how to fucking i go through ebbs and flows where i'll be my anger issues will be way way better and they're still completely unacceptable as versi likes to say um but then then they start ramping up again and it's just a

fucking embarrassing all right anyways i'm married i'm not dead dear bill the beguiling what the fuck does that mean look at that like right there what the fuck does that mean why couldn't i been like oh i wonder what that means oh a new world new word new world new word this is this is just a wonderful opportunity to learn something here in my own podcast and you know and i learned a lot i learned just as much from my English isn't it why can i do that all right beguile charm or enhance parentheses someone sometime in a deceptive way okay so this is sort of a compliment but not really okay here we go now recently i've been talking to a friend that i haven't heard from in a while via facebook oh jesus here we go we continue to talk and catch up and i found out

he is married and as a two-year-old while that's fucking hilarious that should come out immediately all right while away someone he asked me to wait while away somewhere oh when he was on the internet he asked me to send him some sexy pictures see right there the fact that you had to we went back and forth a number of times before he said he's married and has a two-year-old that's not a good that should be immediately boom he's supposed to do that immediately i'm married boom done all right so this doesn't go in a weird fucking way because we used to fuck right isn't that what's supposed to happen um he said i said i said no and responded aren't you married he replied i'm married i'm not dead oh god he's also been flirting with me a lot i think it's disrespectful to his wife

and to ask me for something like that when i'm sure it would it would help his marriage by making her feel attractive if he asked her what this was such an interesting email did i read it wrong i think it is disrespectful to his wife to ask me for something like that when i'm sure it would i'm just gonna say wouldn't it wouldn't help his marriage by making her feel attractive i'm sure would help his oh help his marriage if he asked her to send him some pictures uh okay some sexy pictures see she said i also think the flirting is disrespectful i'm a lady by the way what do you think um well yeah you're obviously right but i i'm also wondering why do you continue to talk to this guy you reached out to him you

didn't know he was married okay he doesn't say he's married so it starts to obviously it started to go down no no no no no and then he's then you find out he was married had a two-year-old all right so he keeps it going and then when he's away he asks you to send him some sexy pictures and you responded and he said no and you said aren't you married you knew he was married he said he was married why did you keep hanging around and now he's continuing to flirt with you why are you still talking to this guy what's going on with you yeah why why are you why are you continuing to talk to this guy this is a no-brainer yeah he shouldn't be doing this this is completely uh not what you're supposed to be doing if you are married all right i'm not judging anybody in this

fucking thing i'm just saying that he shouldn't be doing that and if you are offended by it you shouldn't continue to talk to the guy so okay so i guess okay so wait so he doesn't you don't send him the pictures but you continue to talk to him then he's been flirting with you and you think it's disrespectful uh yeah i mean i don't yeah yeah it's it's disrespectful because he already said the sexy pictures thing so it already brought it into a bad fucking this guy would bang you if you'd let him basically so he already brought it into a bad area do i think flirting is disrespectful online absolutely if you're at work i mean i don't give a shit you know what i mean jesus christ where it work

i don't know it depends on the level of it but you know what are you supposed to fucking do like i'm not one of those guys if i drive down the street okay like i gotta tell you when i was in la i was at a stoplight by myself and this dude jogging by i swear to god he he looked like like marvel comics couldn't draw a more jacked guy like i looked at him and i went jesus christ his back was shredded the guy had no fat on him whatsoever and he's jogging down the street no shirt on no nothing i mean this guy must be fucking everything in hollywood even i'm sitting there going jesus christ now if my wife was there i what am i gonna do he wins i'll tell you right now if i ran down the street with my shirt off that would be the end of my career

so what am i gonna do i'm gonna get mad that she's looking at this fucking statue was goddamn greek god running down the fucking street greek god via africa you know what am i gonna hey what the fuck i don't give a shit i i really don't give a shit i don't i don't know you don't want to talk to me when it comes to this type of it's one of these when i look at that stuff like i always look at it like it shouldn't be done it's a chris rock bit you shouldn't do it but i understand it's fucking uh that that's why the internet it's terrible it's terrible when it comes to that shit because back in the day you wouldn't be able to get in touch tom green has this fucking unbelievable bit on this watch is special i hope he did his bit on facebook he he does this fucking

unbelievable bit on it where it's just it's just there it's just fucking there it's it's harder than ever not to fuck around i guess i don't know but is he doing something wrong yeah but you're kind i don't understand why you i would ask yourself why you're still uh you're still talking to the person i mean you reached out that's what i'm guessing you reached out to him because you're single right now is what i'm guessing this is somebody maybe you had a fling with back in the day or uh you know maybe you always wanted to when you reached out maybe that's what you're doing and then all of a sudden you know you find out he's marrying as a kid and then all of a sudden he shows that he would fuck around on his wife and you're like wow this isn't the guy i thought he was

so you're continuing to do more follow-up questions just so you in your own way you can get this guy out of your head because you're seeing what a dirt bag he is i gotta tell you this i'm married i'm not dead is a fucking terrible line that's the line you say to your guy friend in the bar you know and she fucking says blah blah blah blah i'm like i'm you know can you believe she said that i mean i'm fucking married i'm not dead that's something you say to a gay don't say that's a woman jesus christ that's terrible that's just blunt force trauma of truth it's a one-two punch he shouldn't have done that all right whatever i don't know what to tell you i would just say stop talking to him does that work does that work for you i don't fucking know

all right so somehow i've limped my way through this podcast oh jesus christ i have more fucking advertising to read i forgot hang on a second hang on hang on hang on all right here we go um and then i'll tell you another story how about that all right hulu plus everybody now you've probably tried hulu on your computer hulu plus is so much more with hulu plus you can watch current season episodes of your favorite shows like modern family the daily show and scandal and watch every episodes of shows like nashville lost and dr who swap with any red slash green color coded shows listed you get ad-free movies and kid shows too now more than ever there's so much to watch take total control with hulu plus to stream those shows and thousands more

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legal zoom dot com enter the discount code burr all right there we go all right that was it that was a park yeah okay well good um okay i got a youtube video of the week remember i used to do that shit the youtube videos of the week um this is the one i got you guys got to look at this one six-year-old boxer this kid is fucking incredible his dad is an amazing trainer and he has this kid the guy's hilarious he's like he's basically teaching everybody else in the neighborhood how to box and he's like well great so now what they're all gonna beat the shit out of my kid i don't think so so he's been training his kid how to box and i'm telling you this kid is throwing man punches at six years of age he's popping you know those you know the pads that these guys put on

god help a six-year-old that fucks with this kid they are gonna be in trouble he's slipping punches he's throwing combination and then jump it back all that shit that i still suck at i swear to god if this kid just wound up and punched me in the face i would be in trouble if he caught me in the perfect spot he'd probably knock me up i got it you got to see this this kid is absolutely adorable it's funny because like he's into like six-year-old stuff like he likes mike tyson mike tyson's his favorite and he basically likes him because mike had a tiger and he wants to get a tiger like how adorable is that like oh my god this kid's fucking adorable he's missing one front tooth cute little kid and then he puts on the

box and gloves you're like god damn jesus christ this kid would fuck me up so you definitely got to check that out and um i think that's it that's going to be the podcast for this week hey if you guys seriously i know i was fucking around but if you guys know any way that i can figure out what is really organic shit and what isn't because i even know at those farmers markets that a lot of that stuff is from corporate farms and they just write a bunch of horseshit on it so you know you might as well just go to the grocery store i don't understand why i'm against money why they're so hell bent on fucking doing that to the food but whatever you know the older i get the harder it is for me to stay in shape so i i gotta try to make sure plus with all the cigar

smoking and that i gotta try to do something all right so if he can help me out i would appreciate anyways i'm going to keep watching the um the nhl playoffs i know it's hard in the nba versi told me i was full of shit he said the memphis grizzlies and uh i almost said oklahoma sooners it's how little i watch basketball the uh oklahoma uh thunder right oklahoma city thunder the tulsa turbulence whatever i heard that that series is fucking amazing i actually really like oklahoma uh kevin durant he's my favorite player in the nba when i when i actually watch all right there maybe i'll put on some nba now maybe i'll watch the late game who the fuck knows that's it that's a podcast for this week go fuck yourselves i apologize that it took

me so long to upload this thing hopefully tomorrow i can find a goddamn radio shack or some shit and i can find the connecting wire here that i need to upload this fucking thing all right that's it go fuck yourselves we'll talk to you next week you