Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-29-16

Episode Date: April 28, 2016

Bill rambles about shoot matches, self driving cars andprotesters.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking it on you. I'm just checking it on you. I have no life. I don't know what to talk about. I got no fucking life, man. We're just writing this goddamn show, having a great time doing it, of course, but I just stay in a writer's room and I stare at a computer screen all day long, and my eyes were killing me yesterday, and I started looking around the room and I noticed I think I'm the only one in the room that doesn't wear glasses. That's like earning your stripes as a writer, as you actually wear glasses. That and you can do that thing where you spin the fucking

pen around your finger and you can catch it. A friend of mine always said math leads could always do that, but anyways, I'm going to do some stand up this weekend. We just did the table read for episode two. Dave Keckner came in and just crushed it as Bob Pogo. It was fucking awesome. That's probably my most favorite thing about the week is doing the table reads because it feels like doing stand up in front of a live crowd. For those of you not in the business, it's basically after you write the thing, you sit down and before you record it, you basically do it in front of a bunch of people who've invested in the show. They're hoping it's funny, but if it isn't funny, they're not going to laugh. If

you get them laughing, if you get industry people laughing, that's always a big thing. We had a great table read, so I'm very excited about that. Anyways, that's not what I want to talk about here today. I got to tell you something I found the other day when I was on YouTube. Any wrestling fans out there? Anybody old like me used to watch fucking Tony Garia and Larry Zabisco, Ivan Putzky and Bulldog Brower and Pat Patterson and Ted DeBiasi, the Intercontinental Champion, Dusty Rhodes, Mr. Fuji, Mr. Saeto, the Moondogs, George the Animal Steel, Superstar Billy Graham, Bob Backlund, Bruno San Martino, Greg the Hammer, Valentine. I can't remember how many of these fucking guys I still remember. Tony Atlas,

Jimmy, Superfly, Snooker. I still remember their finishing moves. Tony Atlas would just fucking basically do a military press with you. He'd just pick you up over his head and he'd fucking throw you. Andre the Giant would just put his giant fucking size, 48 foot, he'd throw you off the ropes and just stick it right in your face and he'd sit on you. Ivan Putzky had the Polish Hammer. Greg Valentine had the figure four leg lock. That's the first time I ever threw out my back. This kid when I was in fourth grade showed me how to do the figure four leg lock by putting me into it and was fucking killing my knee and I was trying to get up to get my free, my leg from putting pressure on my kneecap. And that's

the first time I fucked up my lower back. I've had a bad back since the lower, since the bad lower back since the fourth grade. Chief Jay Strombo would do the fucking rain dance. That wasn't too fucking racist, was it? Once he did that, he went into this crazy fucking, he couldn't feel pain anymore and then he kicked the shit out of you. All right, enough of that shit. So I was just looking up some of the old wrestling stuff that I used to watch. SD Jones, Special Delivery Jones. The guy never fucking won. He was the most coolest fucking guy ever. Anyways, Mr. Wonderful, Roddy Roddy Piper. I fucking love all those guys. So anyways, I was, I never heard of this before, but those of you who aren't fans

of wrestling, there's this thing called a shoot match, which is basically wrestling. It's sports entertainment. When I was a kid, they used to argue that it was real and then finally they said, no, it's fake, but what was great was once they said it was fake, they could actually talk about all the real pain that they go through. So I was kind of just watching some YouTube videos about that and I came across this stuff called a shoot match. So I was like, what the hell is a shoot match and a shoot match is basically a wrestling match where they're fake fighting and then somebody gets pissed at somebody else and it becomes a real fight. And what usually happens from the few that I saw is if the

person's just not a complete roid, roided up psycho. What it really is, is either somebody's not selling your moves, like I'm fake punching you and you're just acting like it's not hurting so you're making me look like an asshole or somebody, you know, you're allowing somebody to throw you and do a move and they botch it and fuck you up and hurt you and then you get mad. I saw one with this guy, this kid was new and he went to execute some fucking throw and this guy was just a psycho. He didn't look like he landed that bad and he got up and just beat the fuck out of this guy. Just threw him head first out of the ring. The guy landed on his fucking head and immediately had a concussion. Then he picked the guy up

and threw him into the metal stairs and this guy kept selling. I guess he didn't have to sell the moves at that point, but that one was fucking brutal, but the funniest one that you got to see and I'm having a link to it. It's the great Antonio versus Antonio. I hope I say it right so he doesn't come over and slap the shit out of me. I knocky a Japanese guy. So the great Antonio is this guy. I can't even describe what he looks like. He looks like a fucking troll with a page boy haircut and he's just ridiculously fat and he's wearing the ugliest mustard colored yellow like sweatpants with these military boots on. Just not a good looking person and he's wrestling this guy, Antonio Onaki, who's a Japanese guy who looks

like a fucking movie star. He's got the old school movie star Chin. He's got the Jack Lord Hawaii 50 fucking haircut. He's in great shape. So they start fucking wrestling and wrestling and the Japanese guy is being a fucking professional and the great Antonio, who I guess had a reputation for not selling people's moves and being selfish in the ring. The Japanese guy would punch him in his fat stomach and he wouldn't even move and then the fat dude would keep punching his stomach like it's hard as a rock and people would laugh in the crowd. The fucking guy, the Japanese guy throws him off the fucking ropes and the guy just sort of stops and doesn't sell the fucking move and the Japanese guys look at him

like what the fuck and the crowds laugh and you start seeing the Japanese looking at him like dude what the fuck. It's a long story short. They get a few minutes into the round. The Japanese guy has been selling everything the fat fucks do and the fat fucks making the Japanese guy look like an idiot. So fat fuck gets the Japanese guy against the ropes and he's punching almost like the back of this guy's neck super fucking hard and the guy takes like three of them before he finally like blocks the fourth one and then he just snaps like dude what the fuck this and he just stands up and just open hands slaps this fat fuck in the head as hard as you possibly and the fat page boy guy like turns his head it's fucking phenomenal and the Japanese guy's going

like making those like come on let's fucking fight and the fat fuck still kind of like thinking he's just going to take one he slaps him in the fucking head again then grabs his leg Japanese dude just snaps fucking throws him on his belly boots him in the fucking head right now the ref is going like whoa whoa hey whoa so the fat fuck's crawling around like a dog and the Japanese guy boots him in the head again now the fat guy is like fucking planking he's laying down on the ground on the Japanese guy boots him in the head like another fucking six times it's almost attempted murder the fucking dude is a bloody mess they finally just called a match and it was one of the great pieces of justice I ever saw I didn't feel bad for the guy at all when he was getting booted

in the head I was dying laughing if you saw how hard this this fat fuck was punching this poor Japanese guy in the back of his neck and he the guy was taking it like a pro and just finally he was just like what the because it was all it was like he was hitting him for real and he wasn't selling his moves so you got I'm gonna have a link for it if anybody else has some good ones up there I it's just a whole new part of YouTube that you know if you're at work if you're bored right now just look it up yourself shoot matches sh oot matches and there's just some legendary ones and you know as much as they talk to wrestlers and stuff like I never hear them you know I always hear you know about doing the road and these these great matches that they had and then of

course they talk about you know you know people getting the sickness you know getting addicted to painkillers and drugs and all that shit they do all that type of shit but nobody talks about all these fucking wrestling matches out there that suddenly that suddenly became real you know so I don't know I hope you enjoy it that's all I could say but anyways let's get back to let's get back to the podcast so basically everything that I'm going to be talking about over the next couple of months it's going to be whatever I look out the window and see while we're writing efforts for family so anyways the other day we're in the writer's room actually yesterday and all of a sudden we just hear like this fucking commotion right and we look out our

windows and there's all these protesters just walking down the fucking taking up like a street you know a lane of the street like you know like bike riders do now you know what I mean when they ride down the street if there's two of them rather than riding single file they ride side by side because they want to talk and you know fuck the 50 cars that are behind them oh and then by the way if they actually get hit it's this major fucking tragedy like oh my god can can you fucking believe that happened yes I can totally believe that happened completely a bicycle is simply a motorcycle without an engine that's what you're riding around on but I know you're dressed up like you're in the tour de France you know you're feeling a little European like that dude and breaking away maybe

you're speaking in Italian and you kind of forget that you're riding a bicycle out in the street in Los Angeles home to arguably some of the worst drivers on the planet all right and I've always gone off on technology and shit saying I don't like it saying like we had enough technology somewhere around the early 90s we should have stopped right about there you let people die off stop trying to cure fucking diseases stop making new technology that everybody has to go out and go by let's just stop right fucking here okay I mean can you remember the early 90s it was was fucking great it was fine cars were fast enough everything was fine you didn't have to go any further than that wasn't it better when everybody wasn't on the fucking internet I think it was even though

I'm sitting here on the internet right now I'd be willing to walk away from this shit it was a fucking great time everything you did wasn't filmed it wasn't fucking recorded there wasn't some satellite pointing at you tracking you down the streets you try to get to a dairy queen but also the Illuminati can fucking take you out because they probably own that satellite you know turn on some chip in your car make you drive into a fucking tree you know make what people these are very mainstream stories here anyways these fucking pro they must have had a permit because it was a cop in front of them and behind them and they're just walking down the street and I got to tell you something all right I'm all for the working man I'm all for that type of shit but the

second you go out in the fucking street and you start blocking traffic I don't give a shit if you're trying to save babies I hate you and I want to I want to rent a cement truck and run you over like I was sitting in an office they weren't causing me any trouble and just the empathy that I had for the people trying to drive around them made me want somebody to just fishtail into the fucking crowd so if you've ever been in a protest let me ask you this question isn't the objective to not only call attention to whatever it is you're complaining about but then don't you want people to listen and then be like oh wow I didn't know that was going on you know so why would you annoy the shit out of everybody by like clogging up traffic to me it's no different than fucking

terrorists a lot of times whatever terrorists are bitching about I'm like yeah I can I totally understand why you're upset about that but then go and blow up a bunch of innocent people I'm just like yeah well that's not the way you solve it right my hope is simplifying this it's like we don't fly over there and drop bombs and oops did that land on your baby yeah we were trying to get the bad guy sorry your baby was within a 30 mile radius I don't know um anyways do you guys have that do you have do you have like like I actually enjoy riding a bike but I am an old school bike rider like I ride up on the sidewalk I don't wear a helmet you know I don't ride 90 miles an hour down the sidewalk and I don't care when people who walk on the sidewalk give me a fucking dirty

look it's just like I'm not going out there I'm not going out there in traffic because I know everybody out there is like me and they're texting while they're driving or they're fucking air drumming you know God knows how many people are out there on prescription pills to go out there on a fucking motorcycle without an engine is is really fucking stupid you know and um I feel like this thing with like bike riders they have this thing where they feel like they're these victims and uh I find them way way more hostile considering the position that they're in and they have this whole fucking you will respect me and I have just as much as a right to be out here what should you do you do I mean even though

there is no bike lane they just painted a bicycle on the fucking street so they could get the federal grant that's the only reason why they do that shit right and then uh you know all right so you have a right to be out there but then you have to obey the rules of the road and 99% of you don't when's the last time you saw a guy in a bicycle actually stop at a fucking red light they never do they never do they fucking look both ways they fucking glide right through the fucking thing and then if they get hit then they frost the bicycle like oh well can you believe that happened what a poor baby um I don't know I have to tell you though people who ride bicycles out here in Los Angeles are out of their fucking minds and I am so anti those fucking cars that are gonna

drive themselves um until I go on the highways out here in Los Angeles I'm just like you know I really think it should be I think if you if you suck at driving they should just take your right to drive away you can still have a car but the car will drive for you because you suck at it you know what I mean but I think if you're actually a decent driver you should then be allowed to continue driving so I think if you got rid of people who sucked at driving right off the bat conservatively speaking I'd say that's at least 30% of drivers you know and then I think that middle you know 30 to 35% will just have the option because there's a lot of people that are actually decent at driving but they're like dude if I could just fucking take a nap and just sleep

on the way to work for 45 minutes and just wake up when I'm there I would rather do that so you figure it at least half of them are going to do it initially and then a half of those halves are going to be like well he has a self-driving car I you know grass is always green or I want one of those too and then I think you just basically get down to 18% of people that actually truly enjoy driving and we'll get our own lane look this is my my dream we get our own lane we get to drive as fast as we want and you guys are just all in robot cars you know and then everybody who actually still continues to drive those are the people that you know when they're the first guy to make a left they get way out into the intersection they feel a sense of responsibility

that two cars behind them will make it those types of people you know those people that realize the further left you go the faster you go and if somebody's on your bumper you don't slam on the brakes you get over that person's obviously in more of a hurry than you are you fucking let them go those well that's probably 18% of drivers wouldn't you say you like how I just painted myself as the fucking hero and all that oh yeah I'm one of the guys I'm one of the guys that knows how to do the things correctly um anyways I hope this hasn't been too quiet let's plow ahead here um I'm over oh by the way I'm over the whole fucking Tom Brady thing I actually have a buddy of mine that uh works in the I can't say where he works but just he basically broke it down said listen

this is not a personal thing against the Patriots what it is is this is a corporation thing versus the employees and if the corporation says this is what's going to happen and the employee is able to go around that then they get then you got the nuts running the nut house so basically Tom Brady was acquitted of any sort of cheating but this second trial yes he was look it up this second trial was or at very least he was never convicted of that um this second trial was was more about does a corporation have a right to discipline its employees so you know what happened to Tom Brady outside in the real world in the United States of America it wouldn't even have made it to trial all right but with the lack of fucking evidence that yeah they had okay the on the other side

um you have within a corporation a corporation operates the way a corporation operates so they should be allowed to run there but that's what it was about are we as a corporation allowed to discipline our employees are they able to go outside the corporation are we gonna have to fucking deal with that and it was a big deal for the suits in the nfl to win that because if Tom Brady wins that thing then every fucking suspension a player could simply take it outside of the nfl and it really um whittles down the level of power that they have so I gotta actually be honest with you I actually understand now understand why the nfl did that and you know if they gotta throw Tom Brady under the fucking bus then so be it now I know a lot of you guys out there think

I'm skirting the fucking issue as far as like oh he deflated I'm not saying he didn't deflate the fucking ball but that's not why the Colts lost by 35 fucking points I've said this a zillion fucking times you know Andrew Lux shouldn't even be on the Colts if the Colts actually tried the season before he was available in the draft but they tanked the whole fucking season and um I don't know just the amount of attention that Tom Brady gets versus you know you know have an HGH delivered to your fucking house in your wife's name and then you sit there in front of the Super Bowl media for two weeks and it's not even brought up and then you quote for his gump and right off into the fucking sunset and then everybody's cool with it um whatever that's all whatever what the fuck you're gonna do

so anyways plowing ahead here plowing ahead um let me do read a little bit of advertising here then I'm gonna get the fuck out of here and go stare at a computer screen oh god damn day on it everybody Joe Rogan's great company here alpha brain instant from on it is a delicious all-natural stimulant free drink mix that helps support memory focus and processing speed the Boston Center for Memory conducted a double blind study showing its effectiveness I don't know what a double blind study is but that sounds uh that sounds like all checks and balances Cleo it's a matter buddy it's a fucking itch and up a storm it's the secret weapon of pro athletes like uh Bode Miller Brian Cushing and Jonathan Taves but anyone can benefit from the effects of

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used by over 800 000 businesses and right now listeners can try zip for free by going to zip recruiter dot com slash burr that's zip recruiter slash dot com slash burr one more time hey zip recruiter dot com slash burr all right what do i got left here how many how many all right i'll read these last two later oh i'll tell you i'll read them later you know um oh congratulations to the meet me in st louis louis meet me at the fair st louis blues got the job done um what a fucking huge win for that city um that's always great to see that but it was instantly also depressing not to see chicago win it because uh then you don't get to watch you know all the great players that they have

taves kane dunking keith and all those guys um it's weird to see the black hawks and the kings out in the first round and look who's coming up on the outside and down the stretch they come san jose shacks the fucking i mean their logo should literally be somebody choking on a piece of fucking steak you know i don't know why steak but just choking on something i don't think you could find a team that's one more hockey games and left in the first round or just not won a cup and i don't know what it is about the san jose sharks i just don't have any sympathy for them or their fucking fans i don't know why i think it has to do with that teal color that they have you know maybe it's because the kings got rid of their their fucking you know royal colors

the laker colors that they had and they took basically black white and gray because you know you think the sharks would have like a gray looking uniform you'd think if you had like if you if you came up with a killer name like the sharks like that animal that fish there was just sitting there on the table because you know you know the deal with sports teams there's there's only so many ferocious fucking animals to pick from you know and then once that goes out the window then you kind of got to talk about like the jobs people do like uh we're the packers yeah everybody packs stuff up here and we're the fucking these guys are those guys you know and then when you're really out of names that's when you start naming teams after like weather right the

hurricanes the heat the thunder right the misties whatever the fuck you call them flurries the florida flurries that wouldn't make sense it doesn't snow down there um florida sun showers it's just really gonna be bad that's why you can't go beyond 30 teams in each fucking league you know or 32 i guess that's what we're up to but sharks was just sitting there we're just sitting there on the table and i remember thinking like oh wow the sharks that's a great name i can't wait to see that uniform and it was like boom boom boom boom boom it's a shark and he's biting a hockey stick in half well yeah then you're gonna get a penalty for for slashing in today's NHL right second the stick breaks automatically um i'm sorry i don't know i don't know what it is i just don't uh this is where i

have sympathy for the shark fans i know what it's like to root for a fucking team year in and year out and they fucking blow it i don't know what it's like for the last 15 years all of a sudden my hell turned into a fucking paradise because everybody started fucking winning but before then you know i was a red socks fan living in new york city with all that curse of the babe shit going on you know boston sports were in the fucking shitter basically when i was growing up we had the boston Celtics and then up to 86 and then once len bias died um and then reggie lewis died i mean the whole thing just it just the wheels fell off for like 20 fucking years but um fortunately nowadays you can go out and buy a championship which we did in 2007

anyways so i'm just trying to say congratulations to st louis now my two favorite teams out west the stars and the blues are playing each other and i think i'm going to stick with the blues just because i don't know i just worked st louis i saw how excited they were and you know i like the stars because i used to like the minnesota north stars and i like the people on the stars but i'm not into their fans either you know dallas fans at the end of the fucking day you don't give a fuck about the stars there's only one star in dallas and that's the one on the side of the cowboys helmet you know it's fucking true you know that's all you give a fuck about those beautiful ladies coming out in their little hoary charlie charlie's angel outfits

that's what you give a fuck about that you give a fuck about that your shiny four-door pickup truck that's never seen dirt right coming there with your fake titted fucking botox dolly parton fucking hair chick going down the street looking like a couple of televangelists that's what you do out there in dallas and the big d isn't that what you do i don't know i'm just fucking with you um the one great thing though i do like you know something i can't say i'm totally anti-technology because uh i do love tivo but back in the day i also had a vcr so i could have taken games right i'm saying like the one great thing the exciting thing that i have in the writers room as we're doing all the work know is is the excitement is right around five

o'clock i know we only got a couple hours left and that whatever game i want to watch is currently being taping and being taped and i don't go on twitter i don't look at my phone or anything that i had to shut it off and uh i'm able to come home and watch all these fucking great series and it's just the best you know i actually retweeted there was a big you guys see that thing on uh twitter of that dude becoming a hockey fan his fucking black dude was hilarious like he goes you know what i'm going to give this hockey shit a try and he just starts live tweeting game seven of the blues and uh the black cox i guess he decided to root for the blues he was just tweeting this hilarious shit like what the fuck is a power play i don't know who this cane guy is but we gotta

stop this motherfucker and then towards the end of the game he goes what so like the goalie just leaves and then the best question he ever asked i've ever heard a hockey he goes for real why don't why doesn't the whole other team just stand in front of that net you know when you're up by one and they're just shooting like why don't you do that that's fucking hilarious um that's just someone who's never gotten hit in the foot with the fucking puck it's like you really i whenever i watch somebody block a shot like i just the fucking balls that that takes you do that and pick up hockey you're going to be limping for the rest of the fucking week to watch these guys block an nhl shot they're out of their minds but um anyways i'm up to 30 minutes here i gotta kind of cut this thing short

i know i usually do a little bit more time than this but i gotta i gotta go i gotta go to work oh billy goes to work every day they eat a fucking salad every day at lunch that's what i do they eat like a big fucking pussy every fucking day um and i'm actually doing okay and i tried to lose two pounds this week which i think i did but i had a burrito last night so i only lost like a fucking pound so next week i have to be down to 176 i'm gonna buckle down over this weekend and fucking work out and um get myself back down to about a buck 70 um by the way i think the Celtics are playing tonight i think game six that's obviously a must-win we're winning at home but we're getting pounded we got fucking pounded that last game second joke was almost we almost losing by fucking 30 but you

know we're a young team we'll see hopefully next year with all our draft picks maybe we'll get kevin durant or that unibrow guy from fucking new Orleans although i don't think either one of those are good you know as far as for the league i think durant should stay in oklahoma and i think unibrow guys should stay in new orleans doesn't that make sense my out of my fucking mind to think that that if you come in with the team you ought to fuck unless they're fucking you're over like shack shack should have stayed with the magic you know shouldn't have came out and just piled on with the fucking lakers look what happened he wins a couple championships and then he threw out his neck celebrating as he went down the court and he was never the same all right let me do a couple

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on the sidewalk if you're riding a bicycle please be careful and ride single file and have some fucking courtesy for the people behind you and if there's a red light why don't you fucking stop at the thing okay and stop wearing aerodynamic shit all right it doesn't make you any faster and there's nothing at stake all right ah what it does all right enjoy the music and the uh the highlights from podcasts from from a year gone by the hey what's going on bill burr the monday morning podcast that i'm doing at 7 30 at night pacific coast time so it's still 10 30 on the east coast so it's still monday uh it's going on with me i'm

cooking fish that's what i'm doing right now cooking fish and i'm steaming some broccoli because i have to be in shape next week why you ask it because on november 10th i'm taping my one hour for comedy special for a dvd now you like that segue right out of the fish in broccoli right into the god damn comedy jeez is quite some a professional um and this is the deal man i just if you guys want to go the tickets are free yes they are free all right and i sent out a bulletin and uh one of the problems i'm having is um all you have to do you just go to bill burr at broadway video and just write bill burr is in capitals bill burr at broadway video just request your tickets leave your name and your phone number it's all in the bulletin but you know people don't

like to read so what they're doing is they're reading the first quarter of it and then they're sending me the email with their name with their request and their phone numbers so being a comedian i'm going to have to call them and say some stupid shit no i don't have those 10 minutes on my phone who the fuck am i kidding i think i have the worst plan ever i probably made like seven phone calls last month and i got a three hundred eighty dollar cell phone bill screen blink a bitch echoed in my fucking living room um yeah so that's the deal so uh anybody in the new york city area that wants to come out or i don't know if you're going to be in new york and you want to come down um i'm paid for my special and i i obviously don't want to pay my

special in front of 40 people uh it's a nice big theater nice and cushy and um i want to make you laugh so seriously go to bill burr at broadwayvideo.com to get your tickets and with that i think i'm done um i think i'm done whoring out my stuff is that it i don't know i think i got one other thing here god damn it i'm never organized for these things really not uh my cd is available on uh oh god listen to the lulls right now this is fucking brutal oh here we go yeah people who want to get the extra um the extra uh the bonus material on my my cd just go to uh whatarerecords.com what is that backslash i can't speak this computer shit whatarerecords.com backslash bill burr backslash discog discography discog how the fuck you said disco and then graphy how about that dis

disco g r a ph y dot ht ml is anybody out there scrolling that down like fucking radar o riley right now um all right yeah so that's the deal so i got my dvd taping is on december november 10th November 10th this is i am the worst at this shit i am the worst at this shit if you know what just go on my page if you click down what it's going to do is it's going to take you to my website it's going to take you on a little journey to a place i call bill burr.com and you just click on upcoming shows and then just click on november 17th and then you don't have to listen to me anymore in fact just hit stop and just do that right now and there won't be any more confusion just read the whole email though and bill burr at broadway video all right there i said it 98 times

that i just make my fucking broccoli all soggy i did who steams broccoli and does a podcast you know who does i do i do you think rodney dangerfield ever did some shit like that i mean probably did some blow but it was the 80s okay i would have been on blow if it was the 80s now i'm just on crystal all right hey and uh oh last uh last time i did a podcast also people i said you know 50 things i just sort of meander you know i cook foot i cook fish i steam shit i drive my car and you know i got into people i'm running out of stuff to talk about you know i really thought that my life was interesting enough that once a week i could babble about it for 10 minutes and you know what i realized nobody's that interesting nobody is that fucking interesting you know like

how i did that rather than just taking it myself and just say you know what i'm really not that interesting a guy i dragged everybody down with me including you listen to this i even said that you're not that interesting you realize that what a dick right all right so people sent me some questions i'm going to try to answer these things as honestly as i can so you can get to know me a little better all right what does this guy write this guy brad the fuck names a kid brad you know i mean that's like you don't even give a shit it's not you it's like you don't want to be popular you don't want to get this shit kicked out of him you just it was just like you know you want fries yeah yeah i'll get fries what do you want what do you want to call a kid hey i don't know brad

yeah brad it is brad wants to know do you ever feel like you have time off wait a second i can't read out loud that well do you ever feel like you have time off or does everyone you meet expect you to make them laugh on call brad you know what that fucking sentence goes in three different directions it's like when a plane's doing an s pattern because there's too many goddamn people in the world and they don't want to go into a holding pattern that's what you're fucking you just did the the the i don't know the sentence version of my fucking flight into newark do you ever feel like you have time off i think it's going to be about going on vacation or does everyone you meet expect you to make them laugh on call you mean on cue brad

brad i got a question for you where the fuck did you go to school and learn how to communicate thought through sentences is that a run on i know it isn't i don't think it is do you ever feel like you have time off or does everyone you meet expect you to make them laugh on call on call like what i'm a nurse do you ask me if i do like uh like benefits for sick people yeah i do i do those i know what he's saying you have you ever feel like you can just relax and not be a zany douche bag yeah offstage uh yeah i i don't i don't walk around with a lampshade on my head if that's what you're asking me um i actually know what i do find i find people try to make me laugh and they come up to me and they tell me horrific jokes and then when they're done with

them if i can even guess when they're done that's the worst part is when somebody tells you a joke and it's so bad you still think they're in the middle of it so you're still sitting there with your eyebrows up you know when you do that when you're when you're you're trying like when you know somebody sucks whatever they're doing sucks but you don't have the balls to just stare at them like your story sucks but you can't fake like it's interesting so the only way to do you just put your eyebrows up like uh huh yeah uh huh and then he's just staring at you and it's over and you're sitting there with your eyebrows up by your fucking hairline and you realize that your moment to laugh was uh it has come gone that's what i have that people tell me they tell me awful

awful jokes and then they tell me about some guy they work with and be and they're like oh my god you you got to put this in your act i work with this guy mock right and every day he eats chicken salad and then pictures picture fucking 20 minutes of that as you're standing in an airport trying to hear when they're boarding zone seven however the fuck they work it out that's when it's happening so no i don't feel like i have to be on offstage i just try to chill out and uh i certainly don't do it around my family because anytime i'm even remotely funny around my family they break my balls they don't even laugh they just go oh really that's good bill you're gonna put that in your act huh the cunt um okay that was question number one and i guess that's how i'm

going to do them i'm going to make fun of how people ask me questions i'm going to shit on their lives because i'm not happy with my own on some fucked up level oh fuck 755 how long has that fish been in there uh what kind of fish uh i think it's called talia i don't know let's get some women's zest on it or some i don't know what the fuck it is i'm eating like a an asian in a communist country these people are in great god damn shape unless i'm yourself fat asian honestly the only time you see a fat asian they're hanging out with other white people and they're walking out of mcdonald's so if anybody asian is listening stop hanging out with us because uh you know nine out of ten of us are going to a fucking cuckoo room um all right uh okay this brings me to my question

here's this guy what is this what is your worst slash funniest experience in dealing with the comedy club owner also have you ever broken the news to a comedian that he just isn't that funny if not how often do you want to that's a great question um as far as the club owners the the worst and funniest experiences too many too many of them uh the most recently is i i work for this psycho up in seattle who uh he brings me into town he's going to pay me a disgusting amount of money right so i need to sell tickets and this guy doesn't advertise the show at all so i don't sell any tickets so then he yells at my management company you know i mean even if you had jesus christ playing at your club you know you couldn't just put his name out on the marquee and have somebody

well you know you at least have to have somebody with a fucking sandwich board walking up and down the street to let let you know that the son of god is down the street jesus christ would have a difficult time selling out a club without advertising he'd have to be doing miracles on the corner like one of those fucking david blaine guys hanging upside down in a cuba ice or some shit trying to get people to come down there okay that's the son of god that's what he would have to do okay now you're talking about little olie right but thank god this guy marty reamer up there put me on the radio and then we sold a bunch of tickets and then the guy you know he does like a 180 and all of a sudden he loves me and he's one of these guys he's such a psycho i don't even care if he

fucking hears this because he's a psycho and psychos have they they don't they don't remember anything he'll be mad and he'll throw a stapler at his assistant that he's underpaying and then he'll come to like when david banner comes back from being the hulk and he won't even remember that i said this shit all right so if you are listening all that shit you said to my management company it got back to me okay fucking fucking psycho got the psycho he had a comb over too god those are the worst who do you think you're fooling um all right oh the other one have you ever broken the news to a comedian that he just isn't that funny if not how often do you want to i'll tell you right now i would never do that to somebody i would never do that to somebody i uh if i don't

think somebody's funny i just i keep it to myself because there's been a lot of people who really sucked for a long time and then all of a sudden they figure out how to be funny and uh i don't know i look at everybody like they're like me when i started out who when i started out i had no confidence and uh you know i if one person if some established comedian came up to me and said that they didn't wait a minute somebody did that somebody did come up to me that's right look at this vietnam comedy flashback i was working in uh the comedy connection in boston massachusetts this is how long ago it was i had a big red afro i was wearing a striped shirt with a vest remember in the mid 90s he's right his grunge was starting to die but it was

before in sync and the boy band thing it's sort of a veteran like the sublime era i mean that people like for half a second were wearing vests it's just one of those that's like when black people try to make uh pink that color remember they were the thugs were wearing pink for like a week and a half i remember seeing that thinking if black people pull this off that's that's it that's game set and match there is nothing that they cannot make cool and that shit went away real quick well the white version of that was vests okay i know a lot of people fucking laughing at you but if there's other people my age out there late 30s sliding into 40 you remember it you had it on and uh you know

it's right after dark martin's it was the bridge the vest all right get to the fucking point of the story Jesus christ all right so anyway so that's what i'm wearing i go on stage and i kill and i get off stage and then this other comedian comes up and he's like he's a redhead too but he's like 60 years old he's basically me in 40 years at the time when he came up to me and uh he just came up to me and he just like you know you know everything you just set up there and then that was all bullshit you know you just up there you're jumping around and blah blah blah and he just shit all over my act you know you ever watch the discovery channel with some sort of fucking wildebeest trying to mark its territory that's what he did to my act and uh everything

he was saying was like a punch through my chest past my heart and into my soul and uh it was fucking brutal and i still had a day job so i had to go back to work for like three days before my next show and all i'm hearing in my head is this guy's voice telling me that i suck and like back then i had such little confidence i just took what anybody said to me as law so if they said i sucked then i sucked i didn't have the brains to be like well it's just an old bitter comic he used to be a young redhead and now you know he's not so young anymore and uh you know he's a little drunk and he's being a douche this has nothing to do with me i i didn't know how to do that back then i was like oh my god somebody with tv credits thinks i suck so therefore i must suck so whatever fast

forward that's why i'd never do it to somebody i would never do that i wouldn't want to make somebody feel like that now if you heckle me that you know all bets are up i don't give a shit i want to make you uh just short of suicidal i'm sure that's kind of childish but uh that's it so to answer your question no i don't say that and uh i gotta be honest with you i hate watching people bomb unless it's my friends it's a friend of mine and who's funny and i watch them go up there and try a new joke especially if it's a high energy joke and they end with this big tada look on their face and they get nothing i can tell you that nothing makes a comedian the civilian version of that is watching uh a good friend of yours fall down a flight of stairs i mean it's just fucking hilarious

no matter even if they dislocate their shoulder or whatever you know at some point as you're driving them to the hospital you're going to have to turn and look out the driver's side window and you you got to kind of laugh you know just you know you do it subtly because you like him he's your friend right jesus christ could i take longer to answer a fucking question let's try to get quicker uh where do we go here what do we got next what do we got next don't answer a couple more of these all right um what's your most embarrassing moment on stage or in life jesus christ i i don't know i'd block him out at this point had somebody throw a dinner roll at me does that count that dental floss thrown at me if you look on my website i get fucking somebody

who would donate at me i mean i don't know somebody's throwing ice at me uh i you know it's probably the first time i'd bombed in front of an all-black crowd maybe that was the fucking that was the worst bombing in front of a white crowd sucks enough but like you just feel like you suck but when you bomb when you're the only white guy in the room and you bomb and you really feel like you're bombing for the entire white race and you're also reinforcing the stereotype that white people are funny and it was just the worst and i was standing up there first joke bombed i ran to the second joke the next joke bombed at this point i have like dry mouth like i can't even explain it just you know when like concrete i don't know when it gets so dry you can you can

break it off and you know that little powdered mist just imagine if you just took a whole handful of that and stuck it in your mouth that's how dry my mouth was and for some reason no one was heckling they would just sort of sing there just looking around as if the show hadn't even started which it had been it'd been going great for like an hour and i went into my third joke in total panic mode trapped in my act just blah blah blah just blabbing on and then all of a sudden in the back this big black girl she had one of those voices she didn't she wasn't even saying it loud but it was just a hot summer day and it just carried throughout the club as i'm up there babbling on in dead silence i just hear her clear as day just go i ain't last yet and the whole place

just started laughing it was like a whole another show was going on while i was still up there in my act and i was so green i didn't know what to do what i should have done was address it but i didn't i continued doing my act which made them laugh at me even more it was it was absolutely humiliating but i got to admit i didn't really think about it so he asked me that fucking question so either i'm over it or i'm just uh i'm in complete denial okay why are you still single because i'm a psycho and if you don't know that listen to my podcast listen to this one right oh fuck you keep forgetting to take the goddamn fish out um anyways all right i think it's time for me to eat like an asian in a communist country that's how if you want to get shredded man that's

what i'm telling you man you don't want to fucking fuck all these stupid other diets what are you about this the south beach manhattan beach it's always like a beach right all that bullshit you don't need to do that that's what you do you eat like somebody in asia just squatting down on the side of the road in some zen like you know those buddhist monks you know you've ever seen a fat monk you just don't see it a buddhist monk okay but you got those fryer tuck white ones they're fat man it's just i don't know what it is it's it's uh we got that double cheeseburger thing going on you know but uh i don't know i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about this point all right so i'm going to wrap this up uh i want to thank everybody who uh listened and called in to uh the

uninformed show uh the the radio show i do with joe de rosa and uh that's quickly becoming one of the most fun things that i do here in uh in the entertainment world we did a halloween show and real quick so we had on a uh a real live witch and a couple of people from the church of satan because we wanted to learn about that shit and i think it was unbelievable they were the most boring fucking people i've i mean people in the church of satan evidently don't believe in the devil they they're just all like nah the church of satan's just given into the desires you want to be and do and yeah you know i stop at red lights and uh i yield to pedestrians it was the most excruciating hour of radio i think i've ever done but but we did have the drum battle

me and joe de rosa uh go to uninformed radio dot com later on this week we'll have the uh the video up joe won the uh playing through the song part and i won the freestyle so you can vote and see which one of us is better you know it's i know it's kind of fucking gay but we had a good time um so that's it i'm going to be in las vegas on november 17th doing at seizes palace jeez it's so beautiful in here isn't it i wish i had a toga and fucking hate casinos they have the ugliest goddamn rugs i mean the this what they must pay for square footage for a casino rug it's it's just fucking it's it's mind-boggling how ugly it is you know god forbid you drink it you know what i don't why didn't i buy those mitts to help you take a hot play out you guys

want to listen to me take a hot plate out with a couple of dish rags maybe i can burn myself and end the fucking podcast here let's see if this thing is done oh fuck oh oh oh oh this is shit done you know the worst thing about cooking a white fish you have no fucking idea one is done all right you know what i think i i'm really crashing white people on this made fun of asians a little bit i'm talking about how fucking fat white people are and uh wait a second is that done oh shit that's done look at that oh would you look at that if i was emerald right now emerald lugasi i would i would fucking i would take some chocolate chips and throw them on top and go bam and start screaming just to get the crowd going i fucking hate that show

all right if you want to watch emerald lugasi you watch the essence of emerald because then he's just sitting there cooking if you watch emerald live or whatever his show is the dude he's like he's got to entertain people once you have a studio audience you haven't noticed that then all of a sudden you just got to dumb it down you can't cook anymore now you got to be like i got some sugar and everybody starts applauding like they can't afford it you know it's sugar okay you get it for free at a diner all right you're not kicking it up a notch you're making people fatter and you're contributing to the diabetes in this goddamn country all right emerald so why don't you fucking take it down a few notches and uh what about the

musicians he actually has musicians on that show jesus christ you know when you start out to be a musician you think you know i don't know you're gonna fucking play arenas well if you're gonna do the tv thing maybe you'll be in the the conan band or the tonight's show band you really don't think you're gonna be you know playing your flute while you know in between some guy teaching somebody how to make lasagna why does it make me feel better about myself and my career anyways that's it go to bill burr at broadwayvideo.com for the tickets uh please come out to the show i gotta let a new stuff i haven't been in new york for a minute and uh come on down 745 november 10th come down an hour early i will make you laugh that is what i do so that's it guys all right keep the questions coming

oh wait a minute congratulations to the boston red sox we won it again and uh i want to apologize to every other team in the league that isn't the red sox of the yankees because that's all that espn seems to talk about i mean it's ridiculous i mean we won it last night and i just sit through 20 minutes of shit of what that means to the goddamn yankees who gives a fuck what does it mean to the indians what does it mean to the angels what does it mean to the fucking other people ah they don't count they don't count you know that's how espn treats the rest of the league they treat the red sox and the yankees like they're they're real kids and they treat treat everybody else like step children it's like you ever see that family that that adopted those kids and they kept the check

and they didn't feed the kids and they they fed their regular kids you know if espn adopted children that that's what they do it doesn't even fucking make sense oh god my broccoli's all soggy anything worse than that now when you do that what you've done is you've you've boiled all the new nutrients out of it so what i'm doing here is i'm just eating green soggy shit that's disgusting the fish is great though fish is great all right there's a lesson for you never seen broccoli when you're doing a podcast all right come on down to my taping if you can't make that come out to vegas you can't make that i'll probably end up in your area please send me more questions thank you everybody for listening and giving a shit about what i do means a lot to me

have a great week all right guys take it easy hey To make the same, it's only over being alright Should I stay the part? Oh, oh, oh, oh Do you try to win? I won't be able to pull it off All the other parts

And I love that I was a liar I love that I was a liar I love that I was a liar I love that I was a liar Say one more time around like you were One more time around like you were One more time around like you were One more time around like you were

I'll try to bow And bow just like you Just like you One more time around One more time around One more time around One more time around