Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-30-15

Episode Date: April 30, 2015

Bill rambles about frosting, Baltimore gangs and the Mayweather fight.

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How are you everybody? It's Bill Burr. Just checking in are you? Here on a Thursday afternoon just before Friday for the Monday morning podcast on a Thursday just before Friday during the Thursday afternoon that I'm actually recording on a Wednesday up here in Chattanooga Chattanooga um we're on our way up to Lexington Lexington Lexington Kentucky and uh continuing along this long journey through the south through the fucking south I should last couple of days been yeah did you go to the gym did you eat some fucking

frosting did you hate yourself afterwards I hate myself I hate when I do that do you know last night I went over to an entomance cake not two not three four fingers swiped across the stop top of it and stuck it in my mouth you ever see a baby eat how they stick their whole hand in their mouth I was doing that and I was like why am I doing this next thing you know I had the frosting I was mousing my hair with it I was a mess but I woke up the next day and there was a song in my head I go to gym every day it just become I've actually been doing alright but I've been eating like an asshole today today like an asshole we uh picked up a lawhead's dad along the way out in Alabama and we stopped they

made us a homemade meal lawhead's mom made us a nice homemade meal of brats and right down the street you know was one of those uh barbecue places my favorite barbecue place in all of Alabama is uh saws barbecue stands for smart ass wilson's and they got this white barbecue sauce that they put on their chicken and it's just it's fucking amazing and of course I had to get that too so we got that we got on the bus and we're like well wait wait we get for dinner we get for dinner we just kept smelling it and we were like alright fuck it alright ate that stuff it was delicious couple of Mila highlifes and uh and there you go I just gave away like five days at the gym what a fucking dope huh do you know what

it's like to walk the earth is a freckled dope I do and it's all gonna be in my book that comes out never um anyways let's let's let's get on did I just make a noise I'd let let's dead let's get on the fucking uh you know if you knew to the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcasts you know I just checking you know and I do a little half hour thing just to get you over your little hump days here right you pay days you know I've been saying that you guys get paid on Thursday that's how it was back when I had a job when I had a real fucking job you know and I guess you guys get paid on Friday now and God knows the women don't make as much as the men um and men don't care why

would they they're winning in that scenario sorry I think it's a tragedy I think it's a tragedy that when you know you you're down at the subway sandwich store and you take out fucking five slices of that processed gray meat and put it on a goddamn piece of bread you don't make the same amount of money that is outrageous and uh good luck to you guys trying to turn that around because uh I got my own problems I'll do what everybody else does I'll be like oh that is him right and then I'll just get on with my life like all those douchebags who stood up during Oscar night when uh the chick from fucking true romance said whatever she said then everybody stood up and applauded and then everything remained

the same they went right back to it you know isn't that what always happens we need to clean up the rivers and everybody hip-hop right and everybody sits down promptly goes outside takes off their suspenders and what do they do they take a dump right in the river that's how it works anybody's a good shit when the TV camera's on um alright so here's the deal if you want to just have me go off on some shit you know you just just uh hashtag uh the MMP no that's not what you want to do I am the fucking worst don't listen to me here you hashtag TAMMP that's it I finally got it send it to at the MMPodcast and then hashtag TAMMP tango alpha mic mic papa alright there you go that's what I need

you to do and then I'll just go off on shit and uh as always let's check in this is what I'll do on Thursday so let's look into let's check in on the world of nothing what's going on this week all right evidently Bud Light you know they got that fucking thing where they uh somebody just comes in and they're like are you up for anything and the guy's like holy shit you're that guy from that thing the next thing you know he's at a concert and then he's shooting pool with uh Captain Kirk or whatever the fuck happens for the most brotastic fucking evening of their lives run for your lives right it's the greatest night of your fucking life thanks to Bud Light so they for some reason on their on their beer

bottle put uh the perfect beer for removing no from your vocabulary for the night hashtag up for whatever now how they didn't realize that this was just gonna get the clam culture all fucking stirred up right there I mean it's fucking over and they flipped out and they were just like oh thanks a lot Bud Light thank you for promoting rape culture you know they're all sitting there oh no we were trying to get uh we were trying to get people to buy our booze we were not trying to advocate rape I love that did they really think that that that's what they were doing here these women think it capital letters this isn't okay uh no means no this ad perpetuates rape culture and we're hashtag not buying it I like how

women are acting like they buy Bud Light what was the last time you saw a woman go in you buy a fucking 12 pack of Bud Light Bud Light is for middle-aged white dudes who were button down shirts and are coming out the side of them right and they just ate a fucking brat and now they're trying to lighten up the real shit I'm talking about me there um what else they got here uh Bud Light sweetheart look people are criticizing Bud Light's new tag line claiming that it promotes rape culture uh this is not a good slogan I know that you want us to have fun but say yes to life I don't know it's one of these things that people get flipping out they're obviously not advocating rape but I mean how the fuck do you know with

when you're making booze how do you not see this shit storm coming I'm actually gonna side I'm not gonna say Bud Light's fucking morons for not seeing that shit storm coming you know what I mean I mean at this point if if uh if you leave the microwave door a jar in your home you're somehow advocating rape culture suggesting that women's legs like the the the microwave door should also be a jar right are you I don't know what all I know is it's a very strange climate love all those fucking words that they use um alright what else do we got here hey Bill you got to talk about this story not enough room to explain uh just more women needing apologies why don't more women write into this why do

you guys just listen to me and go this guy's a caveman I don't listen to him can we fucking balance this out uh perfume from dead people well how do you not click on this perfume from dead people okay company makes perfume that smells like deceased loved ones this isn't real does anything smell grosser than your fucking grandparents right before they die they they vote the decomposition is already it's already begun right having sake are you guys having trouble saying goodbye to a loved one who passed away and you're just bottling up your emotions bottle up their scent in perfume in perfume for for six hundred buck bucks Sean Dowling has more TV and more details on this wacky story now give me a fucking

break Jesus Christ let it go dude that is so fucking creepy it's funny when you're talking about grandparents everything else it's fucking creepy that's like some serial killer shit you want like a fucking trophy um alright this is this is rough dude we already got dead people and rape already this this isn't the direction I want to go to right alright best cigar you've ever had and was it a was it the cigar okay you know I'm really figuring out with all this shit this is just involving me having to read out loud even more alright we are collecting outrage let me scroll wait McDonald's hey do you guys see McDonald's is closing some McDonald's had to start closing some stores did I already talk about this I

can't fucking remember I was talking the other day how our food supplies basically become poison and I got a couple people sending me hey Bill care to send me some links to some of your research shit did I understand I'm worthy of that criticism but also if you're really gonna sit there and try to tell me that I'm not at least half right on how fucked up our food supply is right now alright I'll give you this right now here's my I'll cite this source when I was a kid a chicken was like maybe one or two weight classes above a fucking pigeon and I'm not talking about a Cornish head alright some little fucking partridge I'm talking about a full size adult chicken that lived a whole life accomplished

his dreams before it got its head fucking lopped off now like chickens look like Mark McGuire in 1998 they're fucking gigantic they're like turkey juniors so like what are what are the chickens doing now huh they hit in the gym sorry to doing dips drinking some protein shakes give me a fucking break give me a fucking break I don't trust anything and that does not make me somebody with a tinfoil hat on it makes me fucking smart I love how the cigarette people for years sat there and they're like I don't think nicotine is addicting then they passed another guy I do not think nicotine is addicting according to my studies nicotine is not addicting they all knew it was they didn't give a fuck alright but that's what

they hitched their wagons to so they continued to lie you look at the fucking bankers that lie at that level everybody lies at that fucking everybody lies in general right forget about when there's a bunch of money whores and power involved right food is no different why would you trust those cunts you know I don't know but you know what go ahead and do it have at it for as much as I sit here and bitch mode and complain about it I actually tried to eat like totally farmers market all of that stuff it was practically impossible first of all you go down to the farmers markets and the big farms they're already in there and they just can legally have like you know they're fucking products called you know home

grown eddies you know and that's just the name of some giant corporation that's got you know God knows what in their fucking food right and when I actually went to this farmers market I was like I wanted to buy a chicken that it was just a fucking chicken right I didn't want to buy who's that guy who fucking ran that race and beat Carl Lewis the Ben Johnson I didn't want the Ben Johnson fucking chicken you know and this guy had all these things they always say they were organic also they were natural and I pointed to each one of them I forget the question I was supposed to ask I learned it in this documentary and asked and the guy shook his head no went to the next one shook his head no I said where

is one that just was a fucking chicken and ate what chickens ate in the 1920s and he goes all the way down there and I looked at it and I was like that's a fucking chicken and he goes yeah that's what they look like when you don't fucking when they don't have the same workout program as Lyle Alzado right so whatever don't listen to me don't give a fuck laugh at me think I'm a fucking moron but just realize you're not a fucking scientist either okay I don't believe anything when I was watching those Baltimore riots and they came up with that we cite incredible sources that the gangs have all gone called each other up and have decided to attack the police as one collective unit I mean did you actually sit there and

go oh my god am I watching Warriors or is this really happening that reeked of horseshit either somebody just made that up or if I'm on the cop side I'm going like look we gotta crack some skulls here to get this fucking thing under control but God knows they're gonna be filming all of this and we're gonna have even more problems so let's try to get out in front of this thing anybody got any ideas you there in the back what if we say there's black zombies and they got a bola in their teeth all right that's you know it's a little out there but you know if you're on the right track when you got the fucking in a McMurtry right finally somebody goes what if you just say the gangs the gangs all

organized so incredible swarfless Jesus Christ what a shit show what a shit show was that deep was that deep enough for you my take on Baltimore Jesus Christ what a shit show says Bill Burr enough said topic over riot ended you know if they just had me say that from a hot air balloon so I seem neutral all right and I just yelled that through a bullhorn down at the people by just yelled down you know Jesus Christ what a shit show it would be over you know and they won't let me you know I cuz government doesn't want it sorry all right let's get to some other shit here where am I going here I like acting like a fucking moron on this because it makes people feel smart right you guys all get the

fucking give me shit G bill I thought I was fucking dumb but X Y and Z go fuck yourself you're just as stupid as I am all right Bill why do you think Tim Tebow still gets chances to play in the league is Jesus really looking out for him I think cuz he sells a ton of fucking jerseys he's a star without the stats he's a statless star but he's got all that other stuff and you know come on man there's not nothing sells fucking jerseys across America like a white guy that plays sports that's a virgin that's into Jesus I mean that's it's fucking over marketing teams are just jerking off it's just it's it's I guess that's what I guess that's why it would be but I would just think that the Patriots signed them

because they would try to get Aaron Hernandez out of control and I guess you know I don't know the rumor was that when they both played at Florida that Tim Tebow would would would I don't know he would like sing some Christian songs to Aaron Hernandez before games so you know keep in mind that Jesus Christ has died for us hey Aaron don't shoot anybody we're playing South Carolina keep your head on a swivel you know what I'm gonna do tonight is I'm actually gonna root for the fucking I got root for Tampa Bay to beat Detroit even though I like original six teams because they they fucking own the Canadians that's all I'm doing here I'm just rooting against the Canadians it's a very negative year for me

you know what I mean because my team didn't make it so now I'm just this fucking sad sack bitter cunt sitting on this right in the fucking front row frosting up the glass just hoping they're gonna fucking lose actually I've been torn so much I haven't time to watch anything I know there was some big hit in the last game that got a Detroit guy suspended I guess he came up off his skates is what I'm guessing he can't get mad at him because it was a fucking headshot the guy was bent over at the waist I mean what he's supposed to do I don't know I have no idea but I will be rooting for Tampa Bay and hopefully they'll fucking win and then immediately I'll start rooting against them because the Stanley Cup should not be

in Florida ever it just shouldn't be you don't deserve it first of all it's made out of ice I don't know if you guys know that down in Florida it's gonna melt okay just keep that in mind anyways what else do I got here Bill check this out to see how crazy smart crows are there has to be some gold here crows are smart well I guess we know what kind of bird I wouldn't be huh animal what the fuck is wrong with people animal I can't even say cognition crows understand water displacement oh I've seen this crow keeps putting water putting rocks in a cylinder to make the water come up so it can finally take a sip out of it evidently this is amazing have they tried this with other birds or is it just this one does a

seagull just sit there be like I can't fucking drink it man Jesus Christ this looks like a fucking science test I flunked all right I've had enough of these fucking hashtag things so I only do was making me feel dumb feeling like a goddamn dope all right so we we got we've done nine out of 11 ladies and gentlemen nine out of 11 stops on the Billy Bible Beltour and it's been amazing we were in Mobile and Alabama last night and I always thought Mobile was an English name you know I thought English settlers came up with that I didn't realize that it was a French colony and it was actually a French word and I don't know they lost some fucking war next note the English had it and then a Spanish had it and then we had it had no idea the only thing I knew about

Mobile Alabama was Ken Burns the war and some Martin Luther King thing I don't know if he got took a rock to the head or something like that was that that March we had the white shirt and he was bleeding and he had the fucking handkerchief everybody had handkerchiefs back then just how classy people dressed like how old was Martin Luther King when he died he's probably like 10 years younger than me maybe like 38 39 maybe 40 just the way everybody dressed walking around shirt and tie a suit fucking handkerchief nobody dresses like that anymore everybody look at me I dress like I'm sitting here right now I go to sweat pants and a t-shirt I could go to church like this you know people with some people older people would frown upon it but it'd be considered

okay I'm actually considering dressing up for the the Lexington Kentucky show might wear my derby outfit but I don't know if I can fucking handle having that goddamn sport coat on for my entire show you know I think sport coats are for people that know how to write jokes but guys like me you know where it's a lot of cursing and silly faces I mean I gotta flail the arms around right anyways I've been uh last night's show in Mobile might have been that one in the Memphis one New Orleans was great just was like uh they were all great Knoxville you know in Chattanooga when we played that place I didn't realize that it was an old hockey rink I had no idea it should be such an amazing tour but uh I'm not as young as I used to be people well who's kidding who nobody is Bill

you dumb fuck is somebody young younger than they used to be um I'm feeling my age on this one dude two weeks out is a long goddamn time right I can't fucking handle this shit anymore I'm gonna I'm not gonna do like fucking week long tours that's what I'm gonna do and I'm gonna wear slippers and come out on stage you know last night they actually had a little area rug down there and my rider for some reason says I need two stools I guess one is if I want to sit down the other one's for the fucking bottled water and I've been telling my agent for the longest time I go to take that out there I don't I don't need two stools we might do some couple of dips out there right um but last night I went out there and they had two chairs and a table in the middle with the

water on it with the tablecloth I felt like I was doing a little play and it actually really affected my stand-up and I was doing all these little like I immediately just acted like I was interviewing myself on some lifetime achievement thing and um like three or four times during my act it just made my bits go in different directions and just shit that I've been enjoying doing which is just doing a character where you only hear one side of the conversation and all of that and uh it really enhanced that so now after all this time of saying I didn't want the two stools I might now go I like two chairs with a table tablecloth a little area rug you know when I saw Cosby pre-rape allegations he had a setup like that he had a he had a little area rug he had a chair

and he had a he had a table I like the extra chair because the extra chair makes it feel you can pretend like there's somebody there talking you know like I've been doing this stupid bit about how uh Bruce Jenner you know god bless him and everything he wants to do I don't have a fucking problem with it but the fact that it's national news and uh there was just something about sitting there pretending to read the news and talking about whether or not Bruce was or was not going to keep his dick as national news meanwhile like you know baby seals are washing up onto the fucking shores nobody gives a fuck right nobody talks about it anyways um I don't know I think that might be my new setup you know my new thing in my fucking rider um anyways I don't even

know what happened since the last time I talked to you guys I'm so fucking out of it did the uh did the jam band guy fucking yank the other guy's arm out of his socket you see that filthy play oh I talked about that I actually talked to that's right I talked about that already um but anyways who do you like you know I'm such a fucking moron when I was sitting that trash in the clippers I was saying the blues are like the they're like the clippers on ice where they just never get out of the first round I had no idea that the clippers won game three at that point were they up to one or is it two two all I know is they're going to like uh what was it game six now spur spurs spurs one last two man they're up what three games to two I fucking hate that I know what's going on in hoop

and I don't know what's going on in hockey it's because I'm fucking traveling with Versey and Lawhead and their uh you know their big time fucking hoop guys and um you know I'm not gonna be a cunt I'm not gonna I'm not gonna play the headliner card and say hey guys come on who's kidding who who's telling the most shit jokes tonight me are you exactly now god damn it give up the fucking television um I am tonight I am gonna watch that game seven I'm gonna watch that game seven it's probably gonna come on here in a few minutes um like I said I am recording this on Wednesday so uh I guess as you listen this year I know who won so Bill why don't you give us your predictions and tell you what I'll give you my prediction for uh for game seven Detroit Tampa

and I'll give you the Pacquiao Mayweather all right I think Detroit wins I don't know why they went their best defenseman is out I still think they fucking win because uh because they're Detroit and because they got a great group of youngsters they always seem to know like who the next fucking that suit guy is they always seem to get him Bruins we never get him we get those hardworking guys those blue collar guys going into the corners um and I just think that they're gonna step up I'm assuming it's a home game for Detroit I'm assuming it's in Detroit that's if it's in Detroit I think that they win and even if it's in Florida I still think they lose because it's Florida and it's hockey and that's how it goes so I'm picking Detroit in game seven I'm picking

the Spurs to finish off the Clippers in game six even though it's going to be back home right it does go back home I don't fucking know and then uh Mayweather this is what I think is going to happen Pacquiao is going to come out and he basically has about three and a half fucking rounds to knock Mayweather on his ass before Mayweather figures out what the fuck you know he just basically has Pacquiao's entire style figured out and then he he's just a lucid for the rest of the fight and wins a split decision on points that's what I I think he survives whatever Pacquiao is going to do and uh I think he wins on points and I think fans will be disappointed as they always are because nobody got knocked out Nabilia is fucking lame um that's

what I think I think that some what might even be more upset than uh Skintag Nation was when they showed was it Jared Leto Jared Jared Jerry Larry I don't know what his fucking name is that guy from Dallas Buyers Club that won won uh won an Oscar and also was in a successful band right he walks around with uh that James Taylor look that's singer songwriter I've seen fire and I've seen rain I've seen sunny days and I thought we're never in I fucking hate that song it's like hey dude you know I'm sorry your friend died but mine didn't so why don't you fucking pick up the tempo and put a little sunshine in your music or at very least let us know that you're going to sing about your dead friend but I always thought that I'd see you

one more time Jesus what's his name James Taylor Jesus Christ whenever I see think of James Taylor whenever he's singing all I do is picture Hillary and Bill Clinton in the balcony standing up dancing really bad that's all I think of when I hear his music I'm sorry I think of that and I picture James Taylor on rollerblades before the concert you know they did a whole story on him one time and they had him rollerblading he said I love it I can't stop can't stop rollerblading I really enjoy it he embraced it granted this is when when it was through the fucking roof rollerblading was the shit I enjoyed it played rollerblade hockey you know what I mean and I gotta tell you after a

long day's work putting on a pair of boy shorts and and skating down the street I thought it was I thought it was very refreshing you know I can only imagine if I had a pair of me undies I want to apologize to all of you for putting that image in your goddamn heads um so anyways all these comic book nerds right comic con fucking people flipped out flipped out when they saw the new one said he looked like he was from hot topic and all that type of shit let me can I ask you guys you know I always trash the comic book people because I'm not into it so obviously it's got to be stupid if it didn't appeal to me right there's an enlightened way to go through life I don't like that that must be stupid um why do you guys get so goddamn upset all the time you know like has

there ever been a time where they revealed you know what the new bat bat jet ski was going to look like that you actually thought it looked good you didn't think it looked lame you know the sweat under your mantits didn't start to grow why do you guys always you know I don't have they ever picked anybody to pick bat to play Batman that you liked who was a good Batman was Adam West that campy shit I actually like that show sorry um Michael Keaton I didn't like Michael Keaton when he played Batman I like him now I like him as an old curmudgeony guy when he said I you know what is he saying that movie he says that's right Iceman I am Batman and then he goes he chomps down on his teeth right and then they played volleyball

and he had to keep his mask on and he defeated the Russians and he was in the bat plane upside down and then Robin Robin watch out for the canopy you know then Meg Ryan cried because Robin died who was that Burt Ward junior I don't fucking remember why are you guys always upset like who who do you think should play Batman what's wrong with Ben Affleck he's got the perfect jaw to have like most of his face covered by a mask you know you don't be a good Batman Jay Leno Jay Leno's got a great jaw Ben Affleck Woody Harrelson the way he was making his jaw and true detective would you like any of those guys or would that get you all aren't you aren't you cartoon comic book reading people aren't you just mad that they didn't pick you isn't that what it really

comes down to nothing can live up to what you've built it up to be oh god I'm such a cunt why do I do why can't I just let people enjoy shit anyways well there you go there's your little podcast for the week I'm sitting here doing my laundry this is life on the road the most exciting part of my day was there was a washer and dryer one like I have the hotel room right at the very end and right around the corner there's a washer and a dryer I am so psyched that I'm washing my socks and me undies me undies no fucking dirty shit in my luggage I hate dirty I dirty laundry in the luggage skis me out and whenever I've I'm on the road like this I always make sure like right before like this tour ends Saturday right say I'm knocking it out so whatever I have like two days

two days worth that's acceptable as versi says unacceptable as well as the versi effect podcast says on the all things comedy network a week's worth of fucking laundry in your bag and you're shutting that thing tight to fucking take it out of the belly of a plane five hours later in a desert climate can't have that can't have that on any fucking level all right so that's the uh that's the Thursday afternoon podcast I hope I gave you some chuckles I want to thank everybody that came out in Mobile Alabama and Jackson Mississippi was the shit was the shit had such a good time there and I really enjoyed the city from what I saw we kind of rolled in I didn't see too much of it but you know obviously you know they're still flying the confederate flag underneath the American flag

at the uh the state house which is a hell of a thing to see but um you know everybody I met down there was nice you know I had a good time and everybody fucking hung out afterwards they're buying the posters I'm coming out I'm meeting the people I'm shaking their hands and uh I'll tell you underrated Mobile Alabama man it didn't nice if you can't afford to fly somewhere you just want to jump in your car and go hang out in a cool city that's got a bunch of great places to drink and uh oh by the way apologies accepted for that crazy lady went to this place and we were shooting pool and um this lady was just you know she was that level drunk that as she was walking up to talk to me her friends were already apologizing for her and uh you know so I

took a picture we did the whole fucking thing and then it was finally like all right beat it beat it and then of course she's getting mad and then she's yelling at me going you know I used to be your fan now I don't like you you know so fuck you and go fuck you you freckled right you know saying that I was the jerk and I just yelled over I just said you're blaming the victim go sober up tomorrow if you're any sort of a human being you're all apologized you know when did you know she did it what a good shit right we've all been there we've all gotten boosted up and said something we didn't mean to say right leaned in for a kiss that wasn't there we've all done it

all right hey that's it that's it I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend this is all positive Billy on Thursday I hope you have a wonderful weekend hit the fucking gym the very least eat right you know don't eat yourself into a bad situation summer's coming up you want to walk down the beach showing off the guns huh or maybe you're fucking either way get after it have a great weekend and uh that's it I don't want to end it I normally tell you to go fuck yourselves what I'm not going to do that have a wonderful weekend your cunts and enjoy these clips from the years gone by me

friend of mine who actually runs the uh the mm podcast page the uh the fan page the official and only fan page of the Monday morning podcast who gets exclusive uh whatever you know what I do is I do the podcast now because I want I want to take this podcast to the next level so what I do is I do the podcast then I I I you know I upload it and I send it to the dude who runs that page and he puts all the fucking you know all the references up all the youtube videos and everything then we try to sync it where we we both fucking put it on at the same time you know taking it to the next level totally lost just lost my fucking train of thought here um oh that's right he sent me this

article this is the classic just dumbin down just pussy way that we're running this country right now these there's people actually I guess the uh the nationwide uh the national spelling bee is coming up you know and everybody laughs at these these kids who go up there they're right at their fucking awkward years you know what I mean where they have the nose of the adult and like the fucking teeth of a fucking two-year-old you know 12-year-old so um they have in the national spelling bee in washington dc they celebrate these uh these brainiac fucking kids that eventually will work for a corporation and without really knowing it will probably work on some device that'll someday kill millions of people you know in other words the future so there's people actually

there picketing the spelling bee all right I had I had to fucking read this to actually believe it okay it says not all spellers headed for washington dc for the national spelling bee spelling bee on june 1st through the 3rd think english spelling is a good thing that should be celebrated with spectators and judges inside the grand hiate hotel uh a while while spectators and judges inside the grand hiate hotel will be pondering the spellings of obscure words and admiring the efforts of contestants outside on the street some members of the american literacy council and the simplified spelling society aka the sss will be trying to convince passerbys that the english spelling is a problem that needs fixing

why are people so fucking dumb okay now that's something if you want to get support simplified spelling society you don't go to the fucking nationwide spelling bee whether the kids just learned how to spell fucking rheumatoid arthritis so whatever the fuck they're gonna ask them can you use it in a sentence your grandmother has rheumatoid arthritis okay that was me rheumatoid arthritis isn't that two words um why won't you just go to a bar you want to get names on that fucking petition that's who you're doing it for the dumb fucks this is the point these people have it said like those in size side they may admire the efforts of the contestants but they will have signs and sandwich boards with slogans such as i'm through with through in other words

t h r u and t h r o u g h i'm through with through and enough is enough spelt en u f en u f and enough is too much spelt en o u g h their aim is to alert parents educators politicians business people and others concerned about the unacceptable level of illiteracy illiteracy among english speakers to the fact that a prime cause for this is english spelling do you get it the reason why there's such a high level of illiteracy is not because we constantly cut funding to the public schools not because spelling is something that's even fucking stressed by most people anymore it's because the words are too difficult to spell one of the pickers pickers one of the picketers this is hilarious and i can't even fucking read

i'm part of the problem i might sign these people's petition one of the picketers at the ALC chair in the sss member alan mole from bolder colorado put it this way our odd spelling retains words like cough bow through and though this increases illiteracy and crime fix it and you fix a host of problems we want to fix it so this guy's basically saying that the reason why there's serial killers there's people holding up fucking mcdonald's there's purse snatchers and all this type of shit is because cat is not spelled with a k you know i mean on one side i fucking respect this guy because he actually has a cause he actually got off his couch and said you know what i'm going to do something about this this

is the reverse of what i was trying maybe that's why let's get smart america bombed on my podcast you know you guys are waiting for this sss guy to come in here you know i mean not not to be the classic person who goes what's going to happen next but what is going to happen next two plus two is like four five three you know as long as you within one we'll give it to you round it off to the nearest right answer learn how to fucking spell you lazy fucks that's pathetic i also like how to like the illiteracy the illiteracy problem is you know that's the reason why there's fucking crime you know i i bet those fucking bankers you know those bankers are literate and they're great at math they're great at fucking math where it always works

out for them the fucking cunts they went to a fucking ivy league school what did i do what did i taper off ivy league schools ivy league schools they went to ivy league fucking schools they went to brown they went to cornell went worth i don't know that's one for you that that did some party fucking uh you know something that's you know what killed it what killed it was uh was cable that's what that's what that's what really made people dumb cable in the internet 800 fucking channels you know people used to do back in the day they used to load up a something called a station wagon all right first of all everybody had like five fucking kids back in the day all right which was a great thing to do you know because you know a couple of them are going to be

fuck ups okay and you can let it go you can let it go that's why parents who have only one kid are so fucking over protective but protective is because they went all in world series of poker they pushed all their chips and this is their one fucking hope that kid can't be a fucking serial killer you have seven eight fucking kids you know one of them you know you can handle it you can fucking handle it if one of them's a phase the black sheep what are you going to do you know what the fuck are you going to do i mean the guy he's uh transvestite and sometimes pyromaniac huh anybody remember that line there he met a transvestite and sometimes pyromaniac the greatest line ever uttered on the fucking a and e channel

possibly in television history when they were talking about these these this this serial killer tandem that's how they described one of the guys one of the guys was just killing somebody on his own and then he had to leave town because the heat was getting too high and he went to a new town hangs out in some shady bar and that's where he meets his his his his serial killer partner you know kind of like when bill gates met that other fucking nerd they made the first laptop these two serial killers came together and to describe his partner the the fucking that bill curtis guy goes there he met a transvestite and sometimes pyromaniac back in the day people we had station wagons and there was a whole bunch of fucking kid you didn't have to have a fucking

spelling bee okay you have a spelling bee because you only have one kid and the kid can't compete against himself you got to go with a bunch of other fucking kids back in the day we had station wagons and they were full of fucking kids all right and you just you drove somewhere and on the way there you know you listened to mitch miller up the lazy river right and you're fucking you said shit like um do you your parents would quiz you what are ivy league schools name the capitals of states you know that's what the fuck you did and you stopped in a rest area and your dad sent you in there by yourself there was no problem there was no worries and you walked in there and some guy exposes himself to you it did not a deal with it you just you buried it you got back

in the fucking car next thing you know you're at a dairy queen sort of enjoying the ice cream but sort of not that's when america was intelligent back when we used to have like five six kids and you threw them in a fucking station wagon and then you quizzed them as you drove to some poor excuse for a tourist attraction you know you go out to go look at fucking wild bill cody's fucking log cabin you know your dad be sitting there seething with anger left arm all sunburned from heaven and hanging out the side fucking window the rest of them ghost white and that was it spelling test quizzes and dairy queen somewhere along the line it became omg laughing my fucking ass off all this abbreviation these

people want to turn it into that fuck that man up your pussies learn how to spell goddamn words i did it for a month i'm a better speller because it because of it because it i'm not i've already forgot i finally conquered the word restaurant though forever i couldn't remember where the u went it's rest and then a u r a n t i couldn't remember if the u came which which a the u came after is it restaurant or restaurant restaurant it's a restaurant these fucking people would spell it r est r a n t restaurant no that would still be fucked up how do you spell ront douche you know that's restaurant how do i spell that phonetically r est o n t

no r est r o n t restaurant let's go to the fucking restaurant i look i'm getting so worked up like these guys are actually going to succeed um you know it's like listening to people down the south when they they talk about the south gonna rise again is it are you gonna secede from the union how did that work out the first time um wow look at me what is wrong with me yes we'll make great best we'll make great best we'll make great best we'll make great best warm things up this spring with a trip to cirrillas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy

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