Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-4-19

Episode Date: April 4, 2019

Bill rambles about a charity gig, product jingles, and green smoothies.

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Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I'm checking in to see how, how's your week going? You're almost there, man.

It's fucking Thursday, man. If you're on the East Coast, it's almost lunchtime. All right, by the time this comes out at big lunchtime, what are you gonna get, huh? You gonna go out and get something heavy? Or are you gonna start the weekend right? Go out and get something healthy. Bring the stomach down a little bit.

You feel a little more comfortable, right? A little more confident. You go out to the clubs with your button-down shirt. Your belly's not pressing against it, right? Well, you used to do a bit of my act where your buttons are doing like the iron cross, hanging on the both sides of your shirt, and you're like, hey, yeah!

You don't need that. Make life a little easy. Why is this fucking thing only on one goddamn channel? Oh, I'll figure it out. That's it, you know what I'm saying? No, the elevator only goes to the fourth floor. That's where I am right now with my anger. No more going to the penthouse, okay?

I've downsized my anger life. I've moved down to a floor that I feel is just a little more affordable and everybody can relax around me. You know what it is? Is I don't have any time. I think that that's something. I feel like that triggers me.

Billing no time, billing no time. They call him billing no time, because he's got no time. You know, my wife knows I don't have any time. Don't shit near. You know I don't have any time. But what does she do? The fuck was that?

Was that yelling? Just set off one of my kid's toys? I like that, it's like a sound effects. Why don't I just yell? I'll see if I can make that. But you know, don't you, Nia? She's got this one friggin' toy. This fucking, it's fucking crazy.

I like it because there's all these different musical instruments and it teaches the kids about it. But I swear to God, the guy's energy. It's like Willie Ames and Charles in charge. You know, he's like, Charles! It's the same thing. It's like bop and rock, bop and rock, bop and rock. Pick four instruments.

Oh, that's a trumpet. It's like, buddy, relax. I don't wanna hear you play an instrument when you're all fucking wound up like that. Now that constipated fucking sound coming out of your instrument. Miles Davis turning around giving you that look on the bandstand.

Relax a little bit. Bop and rock, bop and rock. He's scootily boo boo, is that a trumpet? Right, you wanna live in there? I'm not a musical guy. Fuck you, I'm a goddamn comedian. Speaking of which, I wanna thank Madison Square Garden for a, and Rory Rose Garden for having me

on the Garden of Dreams. And it's this really great charity where they basically, you know, underprivileged kids, kids who are sick and all that, they got a dream and they come out and they make it come true. It was really nice. Funny is I was doing the press there. I was doing the press and Jeffrey Gurion was in.

I always fuck with him. I always have a great time with him. But one of the ladies in the line was like, do you know what this charity is about? And I'd just seen some kid, you know, in a wheelchair, kid on a walk or whatever. And it's just like, oh God, do you know what this charity is for?

I was like, no, no I don't, no I don't. So I'm gonna come off like an asshole. But the reason why I said that was because I really didn't feel like talking about it. You know, once you have like a kid, it just affects you. Like you could have something to apply it to. Where before I was like, oh my God, I felt bad for that. And I was like, I felt the whole fucking thing.

The parents, the whole thing. Tell us about the charity. Can you go through the emotion of it? No, no I won't be. I don't know what it is. It's Madison Square Garden. They asked me to come out here. So anyway, so I go out and I do this show.

Fucking monster lineup. Of comics, everybody fucking killed. Fortunately, I went on during the middle. Seinfeld had to close it out. John Stuart went on a second to last. And Michael Che, Jesus Christ, he came in fucking murdered. Came in from SNL, still at his jacket on. Just walked on stage, fucking murders.

Leaves, fucking joke assassin. Who else was on it? John Mulaney, fucking murdering. Liza Schlesinger murdered. Brian Regan, Brian was how big the show? Brian Regan opened. That's how fucking amazing the show was. So I was happy.

Sure, I forgot somebody. I know I did. I know there was more than that. Who else was on it? Come on, Bill. Think. I don't fucking know. Steve Sharipa, hosted the thing.

One of the crew guys at Madison Square Garden, his name was. You know what's cool? We were going through the bowels of the place, going over to the theater at Madison Square Garden where Eddie Murphy recorded raw. I always think about that when I was there. And when I'm there.

And we were going through, we had to go up the elevator. And they had all the Ottawa senators like hockey bags. They were loading them in because the Rangers were playing them the next night. And lo and behold, the next night I'm back in LA because I got up at 4 a.m. to get back to my lovely wife and kid. As you do as a dad.

Because it's not about you anymore. You've moved down the death chart. What do you think? You're going to get some sleep there, dad? Don't think so. Bill in no time, Bill in no time. I got on the fucking plane, flew back here. And I ended up watching a period and a half of the game.

And lo and behold, they cut to some highlights from the garden. They didn't show the show. Thank Christ. I was a little rusty. I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't much stand up. After I did my special, I was like,

I'm going to take some time for me. You know what I mean? Put my feet up and just sort of just, what was that fucking word those kinds of people use? That regroup. Just allow myself to just realign my synapses. No, I just didn't feel like going out or anything. And I was fucking wiped out.

And I felt like a fighter that didn't spar. Just be like, man, I'm the champ. I got the belt, right? I just knocked out. My last set was my stand up special. Fucking knocked that out. I'm a fucking champ over here. And I got the old right there, Fred.

The second I walked out there. So I meandered a little bit in the beginning. Then I got it going. And oh my God, I had this fucking hilarious moment my set where I was making fun of Michelle Obama because how do you not? You know what I mean? The level that she's been gassed up to,

she's the president's wife. All right, everybody relax. That was basically my angle. So you know, fucking, all the women are gonna fucking lose their minds, especially white women who also don't have jobs. You know, who are, you know, there's a lot of rich people there, right?

So I was, you know, I was pushing their buttons. Yeah, I mean, in fairness to the audience, I was being a cunt. And I was saying, you know, how being a first lady, it's not a job. I don't stand on what all the excitement's about. It's not a job, right? And I hear those, yes it is.

It is, yeah, it is, it is to a job. So I keep setting off that toy. So I say, and I just so, you know, I can't see into the crowd, right? So I just look into the blackness of like the 10th row, this voice that I just heard. I'm like, do you think it's a job? And he's like, yes.

I'm like, all right, man, do me a favor. You tell me how the fuck that's a job. And the woman goes, first of all, it's sir. Turned out it was a dude, right? So then immediately you feel like this fucking post me to tension, a gender neutral bathroom, all this fucking energy. And I just went like, well, you know,

can I tell you, you got a high pitched voice. You sound like a woman. You know, something I was really not enjoying this time. And now I've realized that this is one of the greatest times ever to be a fucking comedian. The amount of fun that you can have. And there was not, you know, you sound like a woman. And you know what, in the nowadays it's just like,

well, what does a woman sound like? You know what a woman sounds like. You know what a guy sounds like. You know the bass fucking thing. I hate when people do that. That was during the OJ trial, when that guy said it sounded like a black guy. And everybody's like, what does a black guy say?

You know what the fucking black, what does an Irish guy sound like? What does a German guy, what does a French guy sound like? This accents. Not saying everybody sounds like that. You know what I mean? But if you met a black guy going like, oh, how are you?

Top of the morning to you. I found a challenge. You'd be like, this guy is fucking with me. But because it's a trial. And somebody's freedom is all the lab. You have to take into consideration that this might be the anomaly. Now I understand that.

But to say that somebody's saying, you know, that sounded like an Asian dude. That there's something like fucking, I don't know, clannish about that. I guess there could be. Speaking of that, well, I have to tell you one time I was in San Francisco, right? Visiting the bathhouses.

And I got into a cab. And this Asian dude was driving. And he had the, he sounded like he was on fucking He-Ha. So there is always that exception. I swear to God, straight up Asian dude. And he was just going like, man, I'll tell you, this traffic out here is ridiculous. And I'm looking at the dude meal.

Is this guy fucking with me? Hey, how long y'all gonna be out here in San Francisco? And I was just like, dude, I got to ask where the fuck are you from? And he laughed. He's like, man, I grew up in Tennessee. I know it's fucked up to hear me talking like this, but where I grew up, everybody did.

Then he started telling me how he did all this extra work and now he was an extra in Clean Eastwood's, one of those dirty Harry movies. And I got his phone number. And back when I was back on Opie and Anthony, I was like, oh my God, we got to get this guy on the show. So there is an exception.

But I mean, but this also, that's not a reason to, what are the kids called now? You've been canceled. You sound Latino. Just exactly, what does that mean? Did I tell you that time I was going to Charlie Murphy's funeral? And I had packed hastily, you know what I mean?

Cause you never know when someone's gonna pass away. All of a sudden it's like, shit, we got to go. So I, and I forgot to pack my underwears there. So where I was staying in New York was had become a gay part of town, right? And cause it didn't used to be gay. It used to be fucking shady. And then all the gay guys moved in

and then you know what happens? All of a sudden there's nice restaurants, there's a nightlife, there's fucking mood lighting. It's awesome, right? So right across the street from where I was staying was this clothing store. And I'm not gonna lie to you, you know, in the fucking windows, they definitely had like the,

the mannequin with the leather underwear in the hat. But I mean, I had the ghost, but I saw they had other fucking t-shirts in there. So I went in there trying to find some underwear. So I figured that was just like an aisle, right? The dog collar gimp aisle, right? So I go into this fucking place and I'm trying to find underwear and all they got

is like the fucking under, like, I finally find an underwear cut that I can wear to a funeral, all right? Rather than wearing the Greg Luganus goes to Brazil fucking cut, right? So I finally find the cut. And then on, on, I know I've told this story before, but there's always new listeners, right?

On the waistband, it said nasty pig. You know, and in the funeral, you know, the service is like fucking 90 minutes away. It's out in Jersey and the time has become an issue. So I walk up to the counter and there's this dude standing there talking to the person behind the register and I kind of interrupted. I was like, excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt.

I go, do you have any like, like mainstream underwear? That's what I said. Do you have any mainstream underwear? And the guy got offended. He's like, define mainstream. I just stayed in the park and I was like, oh, I don't know. It doesn't say nasty pig on the waistband.

And then he had nothing. He was trying to do that like, you know, trying to make me out to be like homophobic. I can't fucking come on to my wife off the road with underwear that says nasty pig on it. Honey, I swear to God, I was going to a funeral and I needed some underwear. It was a glitch.

The hatch just blew. Right? Oh, son, I'm Gus Grissom, a fucking underwear. Anyways, so that ended up being a lot of fun. And I finished my set and I said, thank you. God bless everybody, including you, sir, with your high-pitched voice. So I guess I was a bit of a cut.

But so last night, right? And I really did not like that feeling of being like Rusty or whatever. So, I mean, already look Rusty, hey. Remember Rusty Jones? Hello, goodbye Rusty, hello Rusty Jones. Goodbye Rusty, cars, shine on. You should be able to make a living doing that,

writing jingles, eight second songs. I'm a pepper, he's a pepper, she's a pepper, wear a pepper, wouldn't you like to be a pepper too? Be a pepper, drink Dr. Pepper, bam! House in the Hollywood Hills, horse by the pool, cocaine on the piano, stays are all gone. I send the second you make it, somebody takes it on the internet

and then they do a mashup, right? What the fucking, I don't know, the Coca-Cola song, I don't know how the fuck it works anymore. But that was a job when I was growing up. You'd have a party and there would be somebody at your house, one guy was a milkman and another person wrote jingles for commercials, right? Then there was always somebody in actuaries

just sizing everybody up, trying to figure out when you're gonna die. Oh, he's already got 22 pounds of weight as far as my visual estimate goes and that is his second helping of cream of spinach. Can't be good for the arteries. I'm gonna say that guy's gonna tap out around 57. That was a dangerous age when I was growing up, 57.

That's when you were in the red zone of having a heart attack. 57, fucking 63, 61, a lot of guys dropped at 61. Which didn't seem like a big deal when I was like five, six. You know, fucking guy was born in like the early 1900s. He had a great run, right? That guy was alive when Babe Roof, this was in shape. But when you all of a sudden you have 50, stare down the barrel of 51 in June.

Oh my God, oh my God. I was, I went, so I go to the airport, right? Like pick up 10 of fives is what it actually was, right? And I get to the airport like 530, cruised right out to fucking JFK. All right, I got my ticket on my cell phone. All right, I'm a modern man. I'm not checking any bags.

I'm a little fucking missed the technology. So I'm pre-checked TSA, right? I fucking go through that shit. And I got my ticket and I just fucking, I go, I just put my phone down on the thing and I set it down on the thing. And under my cell phone case, I got this cluster of pictures of me and my lovely daughter.

So I set it down. And, you know, there's a woman there. So, you know, they can't resist a kid. She sees it and she just goes, aw. I go, yeah, isn't she a beauty? And she goes, yeah, she goes, is that your granddaughter? Oh, did that hurt? And I laughed.

I said, no, it's my daughter. I go, I got a late start. Oh, and then I just limped through fucking security. I had such a fucking spring in my step. I'm like, I haven't boozed 130 days, right? My skin's clearing up. I'm drinking fucking smoothies. I'm looking younger than then my years and she,

oh my, she just sent, she sent me. She fucking, fucking strapped me in. Right on top of the rocket and just shot me right back to the reality of my fucking age, man. Oh man, that killed me. Fucking killed me. I'm like, Lottie, I thought I'd tell this story and then have a joke at the end of it.

But all I have is just the raw emotion of that. That really fucking hurt, you know? So see, there you go, ladies. There's a pressure. This is stigma when you're a bald, red-headed male. Granted, but the reality is I am old. If I had a kid at 25, my kid would be coming up on 26. And if my kid had a kid about the same time I did,

then fucking, I would be old enough to be a grandfather. So I'm not gonna get mad at her. I'm not gonna write TSA.com and be like, I was so triggered when somebody stated a fact about my age. You know what? I'm gonna take it, I'm gonna take it like a fucking man. What did I wanna talk about here? Oh, I got so much, not so much shit.

I got a couple emails from these fucking F1 snobs because I was talking about how rooting for Ferraris, like rooting for the Kansas City Chiefs, I was painting them as an underdog. Now, even though I clearly stated that I just started watching like fucking three, four years ago, Ferrari has not been doing well. All right, second place, yeah, you're the first loser.

So what I said was accurate. And they're sitting there talking down to this father who looks like a grandfather, talking down to me, this person who has difficulty reading out loud, talking down to me, the hero of this podcast. The greatest person on this podcast right now is me. And it's not because I'm the only voice. It's because I'm the only one who votes.

Yeah, giving me shit. Like I didn't understand that Ferrari is, I know what a Ferrari is, you fucking morons. Everybody knows what a Ferrari is. I know their history. I actually read this book called The Limit about the first American F1 champion. One of the great fucking books I ever read.

I wish I didn't give it away. I always give away the books. Absolutely fucking loved that book. And I understand, okay, I know where it's at. All right, I'm just saying the last couple of years, I mean, ever since I've been watching this sport, since like 2015, 2016, whatever the fuck I started, it's just been Mercedes.

All right, I'm getting sick of it. You know, the same way you guys are sick of the Patriots. I would like to see Ferrari make a run. Although since then, I did see that new guy, John, what's his face there? The new driver was not Kimmy Rakin, the new guy driving for Ferrari. He's like, ah man, you know, well, I guess we got lucky

that the safety car came out and he was really positive about it. And that made me, that gave me some hope. Gave me some hope. By the way, are we gonna have a fucking benefit for fucking Daniel Ricardo yet? You know, they're always doing standup benefits. I wanna do a standup benefit to get that guy

a fucking team that can give him a car that's gonna be able to finish the fucking race. That poor bastard. I swear to God, if they take the smile away from that man, you know, that's really gonna be a difficult fucking thing to watch. Somebody so young, so full of life, you know, twinkle in his eye.

How many fucking times can you just be driving, crushing it, and all of a sudden your car just shuts off? You know, or for some reason, somebody puts a mogul in the goddamn grass and you try not to get sideswiped. When you go over just a cunt hair under the grass in the front of your car, fucking explodes. I don't get it, the guy's fucking snake bitch.

Snake bitch, snake bit. Sorry. Oh, so I finally, I saw the, did I tell you guys, I saw the MotoGP from Argentina. I got a lot of questions, all right? Does that take a sip of a green smoothie? A green smoothie. You guys want a good recipe for a smoothie?

Green smoothie, here it is. Cup of ice. Cup of almond milk. Sorry, starting over again. Quarter cup of ice. Cup of almond milk. A banana. A cup of spinach.

A cup of all natural, I mean not a cup, a tablespoon of all natural honey. Two tablespoon of instant oatmeal, and one tablespoon of almond butter. Just try to get all natural everything. This is how I do it. I put the ice, the almond milk, and the spinach in first,

and then maybe like some of the honey. Cause what happens is, you know, the way you do it, like sometimes it can turn into like a shake if there's too much ice, but there's not enough ice in here. Then I blend that. Then I put the banana in there, first. And then I put in the, the peanut,

not the oats and then the peanut butter or whatever, and that way it stays on top of the banana and it doesn't sink all the way fucking down. Cause it's really the peanut butter and the honey. It's going to stick down to the bottom and it won't be part of the fucking mix. So however I just said that, don't put the honey in where I said that.

Flip the oats and the honey and mix it up that way. And you should be good. And I do like two separate mixes. There you go. Drink that fucker. Drink your breakfast. Be a champion. Be like a dad who looks like a grandfather.

Oh God, that fucking killed me. You know, I swear to God, if Jess for men actually gave a shit about men with red beards, I would have gone out and bought some. Like if they were selling it on the plane and I would have been quietly crying to myself as I combed in into my chin. All right.

Here's my question about the MotoGP. I don't get, what the fuck is with Mark Marquez's fucking motorcycle where it's just, they even called it, you know, he might just take off and this could be a boring race. And then the guy quickly corrects himself. Not saying that it's gonna be boring. The guy just fucking, he got a good start

and he got out front and he had like a fucking 15 second lead by the middle of the race or something, something crazy. I don't understand why his bike is so much faster. I thought that the Ducati's or the Ducati's were all on like the same level. But he just pulled away like, you know, he had the IROC Z and everybody else had the rally sport or the Berlinetta, you know?

The Firebird versus the Trans Am. It's the exact opposite of F1. So then the whole fucking race, the exciting part of the race was watching David Cioso and Valentino Rossi battling for second place. And Mark Marquez was so far out into the front. That they just had him in a little square on the upper right hand side of my computer screen here.

Well, we just watched everybody else battle. And I don't understand what happened to Jorge Lorenzo. Did he push the wrong button? Cause he's also driving a Honda. And then they were all bitching about David Cioso and his little aerodynamic thing that cooled off his back tire. They thought that was a ridiculous advantage.

And then the very next race, all of a sudden this guy, you know, Mark Marquez just takes off and David Cioso still has that thing cool in his back tire. I guess what they should have done because they were so busy fucking with each other, trying to pass each other racing, what they should have done is just accepted that David Cioso was in second.

They all got in behind each other, like the Peloton and is that how you say it? In bike racing and eventually they would cut through the wind and catch up with the guy. And then once they caught up with them, then it could be like, all right, let's start racing again. Is that legal to do that, to actually become a team, to catch the fucking guy who was already eight seconds

in front of you? I don't know. And then lastly, Cal Crutchlow says his name, he got fucked on that race. He got fucked. All right, he had an incredible fucking start. To the naked eye, he didn't start too soon. And the fact that there's a goddamn computer now,

like people's brains are not as good as a fucking computer. Can't see that thing. So he doesn't know he's cheating. He just thought he got a good fucking start. Hey, oh man, they fucked that guy over. They fucked him over. All right, so there you go. There's my little motorcycle talk

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Well, isn't that a nice magazine? I'd like to be asked things, feel like I'm being heard. Ask Men said they feel like silk drenched in hand lotion. Gross! Silk drenched in hand, like I know hand lotion makes your hand soft, and I know silk is soft, so if you combine both those, but you also jerk off with lotion.

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That's for the conservative, you know? That's for the people who want to keep their meat separate. Once they will only take these, they are the highest cuts of the meat. My favorite cut of meat is the heritage breed pork. Oh man, I have a fucking recipe. I was at the airport there. Oh, grandfather Burr here and grandpa Burr.

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You dangle free bacon and sausage in their fucking face and you set a timer. Jesus Christ. The amount of fucking people in overalls right now that are like half hard listening to this. Overalls are like the onesies for rednecks, you know? That's when they know that they grew up. I ain't got no sleeves in my, hey buddy.

You don't know who you fucking with. I ain't got no sleeves or feet on my onesies. I walk outside my onesie. That's how I do it. All right. That's the podcast to everybody. Please enjoy the musical interlude and then there's gonna be another half hour bonus here

of a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, greatest hit. An episode from earlier. Oh, I didn't even mention last night. So I went out and I did two sets. That's right. Cause I didn't like feeling rusty. And I got this whole new chunk and it came last night.

And I had a great set and then Brian Callan probably said some of the nicest shit anybody said to me as a comedian. I think he's absolutely fucking brilliant. So I'm actually gonna call him today and thank him for the compliment. It put me on a stand up high. You know, which being the age that I am.

You know, I got called a grandfather nice and I have an AARP card and I've still never fucking used it. Okay. And if you're young and you don't know what it is, that's awesome. Enjoy the part of your life where you don't know what an AARP, you're not qualified yet for one of those fucking things. All right. That's the podcast.

Enjoy the music. Have a great weekend. Ya cunts and I will see you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrds, the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 4th, 2011, or 2011 as I saw it so succinctly put this weekend by the great comedian, Pat Nozwell. That's how he said it.

He was on stage. I was doing a show with him, the Kevin and Bean, April Foolishness show. And I noticed that some of the people at the Gibson Ampitheater, by the way, formerly known as the Universal Ampitheater, for Blues Brother fans, you might recognize that name, remember that?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Universal Ampitheater. Here it is, something, something going on 1985. So much of the music here today is pre-programmed electronic disco. That's where the fuck they did that. They were opening for Steve Martin at the height of Steve Martin's career

when he had the white suit with the bow and arrow going through it. So, I'm going to go ahead and show you that's the second year in a row. I've got to do that wonderful program, show, performance, whatever the fuck you call it. And it was an awesome night of comedy, but there was something learned

in all the filth and funnery that I saw that night was Pat and said 2011. So that's how I'm saying it for the rest of the year because I can't say 2011. I have to slow down, 2011, 2011. See, it runs together, 2011. All of a sudden, everybody in the room relaxes. Hey, we're with a friend.

We thought that that redheaded guy was, you know, who's left-handed some of the times was a spawn of the devil, you know? That's what they used to think about redheads and people who wrote with their left hand. So basically, if it was still the 1800s, I would be getting a shit slapped out of me. And one of those fucking schools, you know,

that they used to have on Little House in the Prairie where you had grades two through eight, we're all sitting in the same room. Tell me there wasn't inappropriate behavior going on there. You know, you're a senior in high school, right? All of a sudden, the freshman girls come in, there's always one pervert in your grade would descend onto someone who was basically

a fucking child at that point. You can't tell me back in the day, in the 1800s, when people got married at 14, so they could pool together their shillings so they could go buy a fucking plot of land and some oxen, huh? You're telling me some eighth grader wasn't rolling up on a fourth grader?

You know, like some Catholic fucking pre-ass, I'm gonna start that goddamn debating it. Speaking of which, hey, you know what? For some reason, the theme to Laverne and Shirley is in my head today. We're gonna do it! I think that's been in my head before. Maybe once in a while, TV that I watched

way too much back in the day pops into my head. But anyways, getting back to the Catholic church thing, somebody sent me a little Bible thing, said the dinosaurs are called behemoths in the Bible and about outer space, aliens, ships, space ships, abductions is talked about in Ezekiel one. And these are from in the King James Bible. Now, after all these years of trash in the Bible,

have I ever mentioned to you guys that I haven't even read the fucking thing? Oh, I've tried! I've tried to read the thing, but it's all, he said it under youeth. And then the fucking Polynesians said to the Persians, I mean, I can't get through it. It's like trying to reach Shakespeare.

But as far as I remember going to church, they said that, you know, earth was created in six days on the seventh day God rested, and I created Adam and Eve. And they were in eating, hanging out, right? Then all of a sudden, you know, he lays down some rules. He says, hey, listen, you guys are in paradise. I just don't want you to go over there

and eat an apple off of that fucking tree. You know, is that so goddamn hard to not eat a piece of fruit? Who gives a shit? It's fruit. No one wants to eat fruit. The only people who eat fruit are kids whose parents are making them eat them, okay?

Vegetarians and some 50-year-old Wall Street guy who just suffered his third heart attack. Then maybe he'll have a fucking apple so he doesn't die. But other than that, how easy is it not to eat an apple, right, but Eve, the stupid fucking whore that she is, you know, you're not gonna tell me I can't do something. And because she's abroad and you can't punch her in the face, what does she have to worry about?

Huh? Who the fuck is this God guy to tell me I can't go out and have an apple? So what does she do? She marches right over there with the pubic hair blowing in the fucking wind because there's no shame at this point because there's been no sin.

Everything's great. You can walk around and go pet a cheetah. It doesn't immediately, or a leopard, it doesn't immediately grab you by the throat, fucking snap your neck and then drag you up in a tree so the lions can't get to it or somebody else, maybe a fucking baboon. You know, with its psycho goddamn teeth.

Do you know, that's one of the fucking major adversaries for a leopard is a fucking baboon? I never knew that shit. They got those giant teeth. Who would have known? You know, very agile. Left to right sort of movement. Like a water bug.

These insane things. But hey, let's get back to the Bible as far as I remember it, right? So there goes Eve, you know? Walking up to the fucking apple tree like some one of those victorious secret whores walking down the first fucking runway. Although she's not wearing heels.

She's just walking and she never steps on a Brock, doesn't step on some glass from a broken mill, a light bottle, cause she's in paradise. She walks right over there and some snake starts, yeah, that's what happens. Some snake starts yapping in her ear, right? Like some douche on Facebook who finds your wife in her semi-hot pictures, starts emailing her, right?

Worming his way into the relationship, right? So this whore goes up and what does she do? She reaches up and she takes a bite of fruit. She eats an apple. As far as I've been told, part of this nutritious breakfast, part of a balanced diet. She eats a fucking apple.

Maybe she wanted to be regular, right? So she eats the apple and then God goes, what the bitch, what the fuck did I tell you? The one thing I say not to do and you gotta go do it. Go fuck yourself, that's the end of paradise. The next thing you know, she's putting a leaf over a fucking clam, all right? Adam's over there, he didn't do shit,

but evidently he gets punished too because it's religion, you know? The punishment never has to make sense. It just has to be really fucking scary. So now they're both fucked. Now all of a sudden the leopards wanna fucking take a bite out of their ass so they gotta get sharpened sticks

and all this type of shit, right? And according to the Bible, all of this that happened like fucking a couple hundred thousand years ago. And then one day, some nerd who's not getting pussy, he's so fucking hard up, he just starts digging in the ground, you know? He's got all that sexual frustration,

he just keeps digging in the ground and one day he finds these dinosaur bones that are way fucking older than the Adam and Eve story. So it kind of kills the whole goddamn thing. Now that, as far as I know, is the story in the Bible, how the Bible goes down. And that's why people on the science side question the Bible. Like I said, I haven't read it, all right?

So people who've read it, can you give me the cheat notes? So are you Bible thumpers out there who think the Bible is the best book ever fucking written? Aside from the fact that when it was written, they still thought the fucking world was flat. They thought if you were gay, you go to hell and all that other intolerant horseshit in there.

But you know, I never read the fucking thing, so let me know, because this guy's trying to acclaim, trying to acclaim, trying to claim that they address dinosaurs in the Bible, calling them behemoths, which is amazing considering we never discovered the fucking bones until after the book was written. So how does that work, huh?

Was that when God was a burning bush and all the fish was coming out of the basket and he just sort of muttered something about behemoths and nobody understood it, but it was God, so they just wrote it down anyways. Is that what you're gonna claim? Oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus. Who can turn their world on with her tits?

What did I wanna talk about this week? How about the Bruins? Bruins making the fucking playoffs? I'm predicting that the Bruins will once again make it to the Eastern Conference finals and then what's gonna happen? I'll tell you what's gonna happen is they're not gonna go any further.

I don't know, I'm just gonna say that because hopefully they'll prove me wrong. Who knows, we got a great goalie. You know what's scaring me is fucking Carrie Price up in Montreal has been playing fantastic. All right, and for some reason, when the Bruins have a great goalie, it only gets us so far, but those sons of bitches

up there with Ken Dryden, Patrick Wah back in fucking 93 when they went on that implausible run, won like 19 overtime games, one of the great runs at winning the Stanley Cup of all fucking time. Who knows? I don't know, I think the Flyers will beat him.

The Flyers never seem to have problem with the Canadians. They don't give a fuck. All right, they're just gonna punch you in the face. Anyways, hey, listen to this shit. You know something, what happened to me twice this week is people just, they don't hear what the fuck I'm saying. This is the classic thing when you're doing standup comedy, you stand on stage and you tell a bunch of jokes

and everybody laughs. Everybody's having just a great time and then all of a sudden you come around to a subject that touches a little close to somebody's life and all of a sudden you're not telling jokes anymore, now you're making statements. Well, lo and behold, once again, this happens. I don't know if you guys are aware of this,

but my Let It Go special is now up on Netflix. The unedited version. The version that I wanted the world to see, but that dream was crushed because on Comedy Central, they have advertisers and that's how they make their money, which I respect. So then, you know, they gotta cut out some jokes, they gotta start doing the Morse code

because they say fuck every other word and then yada, yada, yada, but now it's on Netflix. Now it's on Netflix and you can watch that son of a bitch completely unedited. So please tell your friends, please tell your family, tell some of your enemies. So anyway, so some woman evidently watched this, watched my special, my stand-up comedy special,

the one where I go on and act like an ass and I'm telling jokes just to make you laugh, just to fucking appease my ego. That's all I'm doing. So anyways, this lady starts off and she says, offended by your stay-at-home mom bit. She starts off, hi. Obviously, I'm a stay-at-home mom.

Why is that obvious? Because you said you were offended by my stay-at-home mom bit. Why couldn't you be just a supporter of stay-at-home moms? Oh, I'm being a cunt right out of the gate. Let's read this, she starts off, hi. Obviously, I'm a stay-at-home mom and I love watching stand-up,

but I couldn't continue watching you based on your bit about stay-at-home moms. You know what I love about it? It's an hour-long special and I think I opened with that joke or it was literally within the first five minutes and she had to shut it off. She says, I'm really sorry you feel that way

about stay-at-home moms. That's one of my pet peeves, is when someone's about ready to take the piss out of me, I hate when they apologize. Okay, you're not sorry. You're not sorry that I feel that way. You fucking hate me because I feel that way, all right? Stop apologizing.

Oh, God, my voice is cracking. Stop apologizing, all right? Anyway, she goes and the, if it weren't for us, there would be no one to drill holes and to do all the other important jobs that you mentioned. All right, if it weren't for you, what do you just fucking meditate and you make a person?

You self-centered fucking whore. Can you believe she just took credit for the creation of babies? 100% credit. What about the guy who fucking sticks it in ya? Huh? I am getting close. What about that part of it?

There wasn't some hairy, sweaty man in a way that's your fucking womanhood. Two completion, I might add, a number of times during the course of a month, two months, possibly three months, if you got some sort of issue down there. For some reason, I don't know what the fuck, I never try to do it, but I know,

yeah, we're having a difficult time. We're trying to get pregnant, but we're having a difficult time. It's not the fucking part, it's the impregnation part. She's just totally taking away all of that. That evidently, that she just sits there and all of a sudden she's pregnant. Kinda like that chick in the Bible.

Hanging out with that fucking hippie bum, Joseph, right? He's sitting over in the corner with his vaporizer. Hey man, I noticed you look like you're putting on weight, man, you gotta lay it off the Doritos, man. Right, and all of a sudden she's fucking pregnant. So evidently, this broad, she's taking full credit. Full credit for getting pregnant,

completely ignoring the man's part of it. Ew, ew, ew, ew, I'm getting close. That's the noise I make when I climax, by the way. I make, I announce to the female in a really high-pitched voice, sort of a whiny voice, I'm getting close, and then I put my mouth right next to her ear and I go, ugh, that's how it goes down in my world. Some of the most sophomore humor I've ever done,

and right now there's a bunch of guys laughing. And there's a bunch of females with their nose all wrinkled out, this is what you listen to, this is what you think is funny. Yes, bitch, this is what I think is funny. I want you to go back out in the kitchen and finish making potato salad, all right? The 4th of July is coming up.

I made no sense, okay, and if it weren't for us, there would be no one drilling holes and do all the other important jobs that you mentioned. I didn't say they were important. I didn't say those jobs were important. You didn't even listen to the bit. Let me continue reading here. I said, Oprah said that being a mother

is the most difficult job on the planet. If she said it's the most important job, I would have gone with her, but she said it was the most difficult job. That right there was the seed of the bit that I created. Okay, just like you, creating the fucking kid. But I don't feel like I created the joke on my own. It took Oprah to plant the seed.

By saying that it was the most difficult job on the planet, all right? That was her climaxing into my joke pussy. That's disgusting. Anyways, so now I think everybody's wrinkling their nose. So here we go. So she continues after not even hearing what I'm saying. And she said, and the reason you stay

in your pajamas all day, that was a line I said, talking about women, is because you don't have one minute to change. Try taking a shower and putting on clothes on with children screaming and crying at the shower door. It's 24 seven. It never stops. You don't click a time card.

You never get off work. It's 24 seven. You have absolutely no idea until you're in it. I made a lot of money in my career before mother hurt. I earned my MBA and other degrees. I've lived and worked abroad. Motherhood is the hardest job I've ever done. I've never said it's not the hardest job

that you've ever done. Okay. All right, but I'm willing to bet that you've never done a job harder than working on a fucking oil rig in the middle of the ocean. All right, sweetheart. Being a mom is not more difficult

than working on an oil rig in the middle of the fucking ocean. How about that guy out there who worked on one and it fucking blew up? He's got second degree burns on his back. If they're gonna turn into third degree burns and then he's eventually gonna explode into flames. So his only option is to jump,

basically the equivalent of a three story building. He jumps off it with his raw burned up back into the salt water of the ocean. Also, now covered in oil. He's covered in oil with second degree burns in salt water. Okay, he can barely fucking breathe. The fucking ocean is catching on fire because of the oil that's on the surface of the water.

He has to swim out of that. Get out into the ocean, but not get too far away because he wants to get rescued. Now he's gotta sit there treading water hoping he doesn't get eaten alive by sharks or drown or die, I don't know what else,

while he waits for the Coast Guard to come and pick him up. Now you tell me, all the mothers out there, I want you to explain to me a day that was more difficult than that. And not only that, all this woman is doing is talking about the negative aspects of being a mother. She's not talking about how rewarding it is. You don't get unconditional love from a fucking oil rig.

It's not gonna be sitting there at your death bed holding your fucking hand, telling you that, you know, the oil rig is everything it is today because of you as a person. Give me a fucking break. All right, and also, you made the choice to become a mother

by letting that guy get on top of you and getting close, right? Typical fucking broad. It's your fucking idea. She goes, anyway, she continues. Your joke is so offensive and so totally wrong. It's disgusting. Another thing, this is precious time to me in the evening.

Well, I didn't fucking ask you to email me. Good Lord, what a fuck, gee. This is a mother. Look at her working with the guilt. This is precious time to me in the evening. You were watching a standup special. That was gonna take a whole fucking hour. You shut it off seven minutes into it.

That gives you an extra 53 minutes to write two paragraphs. That's so full of shit. So anyways, now she's trying to make me feel guilty. Like I'm taking away from her fucking day. Another thing, this is precious time to me in the evening when I can be taking a shower, read or watch a show and recharge for the next day.

Wait a minute. You just told me that being a mom was a 24-7 job. It never stops, it never ends. Here you are chilling out, wanting to take a shower, read or watch a show and recharge for the next day. Jesus Christ, she goes on maybe later tonight when one of my children get up.

I'm not on Facebook. I don't waste any time on the computer and I don't complain about things, but this was so offensive that I made time for this email. Oh, thank you. Thank you for taking time out of your day. You're unbelievably 24-7 day. And you just had to say something.

Then this is awesome. This is how she ends her email. She says, very disappointed. Jamie. Oh, actually I have a number of name names. Okay, so this is what I love about this. This woman is obviously gonna be a great mom. Okay, she's dedicated to it.

She's walked away from her MBA career and all that type of shit so she can focus on her career. Okay, but what you can see here is the resentment that's already building because she's already throwing out guilt onto everybody. That's what I love about mothers. All right, no one told you to become a mother.

You made that fucking choice and now you actually have like resentment for your fucking job. And you're starting to put it on your kids. I can tell you're already putting it on your kids because you're trying to put it on me. You try to make me feel guilty that you took the time to send me a fucking email.

I didn't ask you to send me a fucking email and then you ended with very disappointed like I'm looking for your approval. See, you're already getting your God complex because your fucking kids are looking at you like you know every goddamn answer on the planet, which you don't. Jesus Christ.

So there you go. There you go people, there it is in a nutshell. That's what it's like to be a stand-up comedian. You make one fucking joke, okay? About an overstatement that someone said that being a mother is the most difficult job on the planet. So what is that that makes me think

about all these other jobs? Digging for coal, being president of the United States and having to decide that we're gonna go to war and then you gotta lay in bed knowing that a bunch of people are now gonna die. Babies, women, 18 to 21 year old fucking people who signed up right out of goddamn high school to be in the army, Marines, Navy.

You gotta make that, you gotta lay in bed, try and get fucking eight hours sleep with that shit weighing on your head, you know? That was a joke. It's not the most difficult job on the planet. If you said it's the most important, I would have gone with that. All right, I said, I was arguing

that it wasn't the most difficult, okay? And this is what happens. People, they don't hear what you're saying. And then they go off on another tangent like this other fucking cunt. This is a guy, all right? This guy, what the fuck did he talk? Where the hell is it?

Oh, Jesus, Bill. Oh, Jesus, look what you did. You just slowed the whole fucking thing down. Oh, I disagree. He said, Bill, love the podcast, but I disagree with you on the whole music downloading thing. Most of my music that I have is not bought for good reason. First of all, the last two CDs I bought brand new

from the store skipped in multiple CD players right out of the box. Secondly, artists only get about five to 10 cents per CD, which in the grand scheme of things doesn't add up too much compared to the money they get from t-shirts and gigs. Now, don't get me wrong. The people that just download thousands of CDs worth of stuff and never go to shows,

they're the douchebags. I try to go to at least five shows a year. Wow. And I go to Lollapalooza in Chicago once every three years. So am I a loser to you, Bill? No, you're not a loser. You're just stealing music. You're stealing fucking music

and you're trying to shine it all up like, hey man, the artist doesn't make any fucking money. You bought two CDs from the store and they skipped in multiple places. Dude, you can go to iTunes and you can download music in a digital form and that doesn't skip, all right? You're trying to justify the fact

that you steal thousands and thousands of dollars worth of fucking music and then you spend, you know, a couple hundred bucks on concert tickets and t-shirts and shit and then there you go. I didn't steal 100% from you. I completely disagree with you. I'm not saying you're a loser. I'm saying you're a thief.

You're stealing and you know you're stealing, all right? I'm not a musician, dude. I bought CDs, I bought those things. I know they start to skip but if I buy them, I fucking upload them onto my computer but I do all of my shit through iTunes but I don't steal music and when I did steal it, I addressed the fact that I was stealing music.

I wasn't saying that I wasn't part of the fucking problem. Back in the day when it first came out, my eyes fucking dropped out of my head to free music and I went to Lime Wire and I downloaded a couple hundred fucking songs but in the end, when people presented the argument, dude, you're stealing, I couldn't get around it. I was like, yeah, you're right, I am, so I stopped.

So I'm not saying I'm better than you and I'm not saying you're a fucking loser. What I'm saying is you're stealing fucking music. However you frame it and go into a couple of concerts, doesn't make up for the fact that you stole the music. You know, it's like concert tickets cost money. It's like a concert ticket was free and you made a donation.

You still got something out of your money. You got a T-shirt, you got a fucking concert ticket. So you're acting like those monies make up for the fact that you stole music. Like you didn't get anything out of the concert ticket and putting down money for a T-shirt. You got a fucking rock show or hip hop show, whatever the fuck you went to and you got a T-shirt.

That doesn't make up for the fact that you stole the fucking music, it doesn't. All right, so like I said, I'm not saying you're a loser, you're a fucking thief. Oh, I'm on my goddamn high horse here. Let's get to underrated, overrated here, people. A topic that I thought was dying that I'm actually pleased to say is making a comeback.

Oh, before I do that, I mentioned a few weeks ago that the short film Cheat that me, Joe DeRosa and Robert Kelly, wrote and acted in and Joe DeRosa did a phenomenal job directing this movie. The short film, we got it into the Tribeca Film Festival, which is one of the biggest film festivals out there. It's right up there with Sundance and all that type of stuff.

And I wanted to give you guys the screening times if you're actually in the New York area and you wanna come down and support our film. We would love to see you down there. We're gonna try to hang out as many screenings as we possibly can. There's a couple of them that we're not allowed to go to just because there's gonna be industry there

and they wanna review the film and we can't be breathing down there next, making them uncomfortable. So here are the screening times. Saturday, April 23rd at 7 p.m. Is the first screening. Of course, I don't have where they're screening. I'm such a fucking idiot.

I'll give you this information. I'll just tell you when they are. The Saturday at 7 p.m. Wednesday at 5.30 p.m. That's April 27th. And Saturday, April 30th at 4 p.m. And Sunday, May 1st at 7.30 p.m. I believe I'm calling in the Opie and Anthony show this week.

I believe Thursday this week, DeRosa and Bobby Kelly are gonna be on there and we're gonna have all the rest of the information. So I'm, what an idiot I am. Why am I such a fucking moron? You know, go to themmpodcast.com. We'll have the actual, that's the official fan page, by the way.

And he gets all the shit right. I'm such a fucking moron. I was so excited to tell you guys all that type of shit. And what did I do? What did I do? I fucked the whole thing up. All right. Feel that?

Do you hear that silence? The podcast is just screeched to a grinding halt and it's 100% my fault. All right, underrated overrated for this week. All right, underrated. This guy says, ice cream sandwiches. They are made from the cheapest ice cream and the crappiest cookies,

but they are fucking delicious and I can eat like five. I actually had a debate with Nia on this one. I thought he was literally talking about ice cream sandwiches, but she's saying because he said cookies, he means those ones that have like the chocolate chip cookies and with that generic ice cream in the middle. It's basically, you know, the filling that they put in hot dogs.

It's the ice cream version of that. And he said he can eat like five. And I am right there with you. I'm right there with you. I think I could eat six, but I would get sick. But I could eat five just like you and I would not be sick and my body at no point would be acting

like what I was doing was incorrect until about 15 minutes later when I suddenly would have to take a nap. You ever eat really bad food and you have to take a nap? You get all sleepy or as black people call it, the itis. You get the itis. I told you that story a long time ago, didn't I?

I'll tell it to you again. The fuck, I got an hour to kill here. I know I got some new listeners. Right now, back in the day when I was on the Chappelle show tour and it was me, Charlie Murphy and Don L. Rawlings who played Ashie Larry. We went out in 2004, mid-2004 and toured.

I stayed on the tour until about the end of February, 2005. These guys used to break my balls about my shirts, all my clothes and all that type of shit. That actually turned into a bit when I did my half hour special. That whole bit, this motherfucker only has five shirts. That came from hanging out with those guys, doing talent shows back in the day,

Drew Frazier and all those guys. Rob Stapleton, who other room did I used to do? Capone's rooms, all those things. When I used to jump back and forth between the black rooms, white rooms, mainstream rooms, the uptown rooms as I used to call them. But anyways, so these guys used to, you know, they used to just give me shit and that type of stuff.

So we had gone out drinking, or I had gone out drinking. I was brutally fucking hungover and I just didn't want to listen to that shit. And we were driving from Chicago up to Vernon Hills to do the Zanies up there. And it was a good hour, hour and a half drive. I don't know what, but it was gonna seem like five hours. And I could tell that they were just gonna be fucking

on my shit because I was really hungover. So what I did was I asked the, I don't know, somehow I walked out to try to get some fresh air. And I saw that there was a Popeyes chicken like fucking two blocks up. So I ran up there and got like a fucking, I don't know, a 17 piece of that shit with biscuits and all of that shit.

We were leaving right around 11. We go and we get in the fucking limo to go up there and I bring, hey guys, I got us some food. And I ate one piece and watched them devour like another five, six pieces, a couple of biscuits, right? And they were already giving me shit. And within fucking 15 minutes, they were fucking sound asleep.

And I just sat there with a smile on my face with some of that greasy food in my stomach, but not enough to make me fall asleep. Just enough to feel comfort, comforted, right? And I had my sunglasses on and I cruised all the way up there and they slept the whole fucking way. It's one of the brilliant moves in my stand-up career. So anyways, oh, speaking of that shit,

I'm actually getting myself into great shape here. You wanna know how I've been doing it? Well, I don't give a fuck, I'm gonna tell you anyway. I mentioned it back in the day, I got a juicer. And like most things, when you get something new, you're all about it. You're all about it, feel like I don't know what, right? A week, two weeks, maybe a month.

And then one day, you just blow it off. You just fucking blow it off. And then it starts gathering dust. And then every once in a while, you just look at whatever you bought, your iPad, your fucking, I don't know what, your whatever gadget you had. It's just over there collecting dust.

And you just have that feeling like, God, I used to be so fucking into that thing. You know, it's kind of like a relationship. You know, you meet some hot girl, you're telling your friends, dude, this is one of the hottest fucking chicks that I've ever been with. She's got like the perfect tits.

You ever do that? You start describing a body to all your fucking animal guy friends. And then all of a sudden, it turns into a relationship. You know, and now it's your girlfriend. And now you know, I described a tits to my friends or the fucking crazy things she did in bed. You know?

And then what happens? You're totally into her. You're banging, you're banging, you're banging. And then just one day, you don't even notice. You're just not into it anymore. Yeah, well, then one day you're walking by and you looked in and there's your pussy. You're just gathering dust

like your fucking laser display and you're wondering what the fuck happened. You know, and that's the moment where you realize if you're with the right person or not. Because if you decide that you're gonna work at the relationship and get the sparks going again, you're with the right person. But if you're just looking at it like a fucking old VCR,

you know, it's time to move on. That's what I think. So anyways, let's get back to the juicer, everybody. So the juicer evidently is my fucking gadget soulmate because I looked at it and I was getting sad going, you know what, I gotta fucking, I gotta get this thing back in my life. I gotta find where did we lose the magic?

So I went to the health food store and I went in there like a little fucking, you know, vegan, I fucking go in there, right? Oh, you know what's funny? This place right around the corner from where I live sells that coconut water that I absolutely love that I drank on Joe Rogan's show. And then they told me they got on amazon.com

and I ordered it on amazon.com. You know me, I'm totally fucking, I got the OCD, like whatever, when I get into shit, I get into shit. And it was like 20 something bucks to get like, 12 of these things. So it was already expensive. And then, you know, if you just do five to six business days, who gives a fuck, they charge you like three bucks.

But I was like, no, I want that shit in two days. So my shipping cost was as much as the goddamn price of the coconut. I paid like 40 bucks for 12 of them. And then I go down the street when I reintroduced myself to my juicer going, hey baby, what happened to us, man? Let's watch a movie tonight, right? I go over to the fucking vegetable place.

Oh, you know what that creepy little analogy just reminded me of? I guess there's some fucking show out there where people are in love with inanimate objects. Like they actually like fuck a fence or a bridge or they want to like marry the Eiffel Tower. Can somebody please tell me what that show is? I really want to watch that

because I saw that one that was fatal, fatal attractions where people have wild animals that they try to turn, they try to turn into, they try to turn into pets. And those people were just so fucking stupid of me that I couldn't watch the show. But I ended up hearing that that show was good because they get into the psychology

of why somebody gets into that. All I saw, when I saw that guy with the buffalo walking around his house and every time he walked by him, that buffalo would slam him into the wall and he looked like Wayne Gretzky getting fucking checked. By any sort of fucking normal-sized hockey player and he'd just be like, as he would walk by. Nah, she just playin', she just playin'.

It was so fucking stupid, I couldn't watch it. So if anybody can tell me what the name of that show is where people are like in love with like a door. You know, dude, how much alone time are you spending? I mean, I haven't even heard that in jail. Well, in solitary confinement, do you get in love with the walls? I bet you do, at some point.

At some point, you just from just lack of human contact. You know, that man-brain kicks in where you get visually stimulated. You gotta get visually stimulated by something. And they would just be like, I bet it's like at some point during the day when the sun starts going down, right? And the shadow just hits the wall a certain way.

And you just, there you are. There you are, you sweet little naughty piece of plaster. Well, you've been for the last 23 hours. I shh, I don't wanna hear it, you know? Ha ha ha, so fucking creepy. Actually, somebody who's probably in jail or has been in jail is gonna be, oh, I'm actually, when you're in solitary confinement,

there's no sunlight. All right, whatever, whatever the fuck it is. You fuck the floor. You know, there you go. Is that in any prison book? I think I hit my low point when I was consistently fucking the floor. All right, let's continue on here.

So anyway, so I got my juicer back in my life. That's what the fuck I'm trying to tell you. So I go to the goddamn health food store, right? And you know what's great about going to the health food stores, even though the aisles are really much skinnier than one of the grocery stores, those fucking, you know, people who actually eat healthy are just waif human beings.

They do yoga, little wispy, little, you know those dogs, little whippets. They're just like them, you know, walking up and down the aisles with their fucking tail between their legs, trying to pick out zucchini. So I'm going in there, right? Suddenly feeling like I'm on roids because I look so much bigger, full of shit.

There was a couple of decent sized people in there, but whatever. So I go in there, I pick out all this fucking fruits and vegetables to juice. So that's how I've been starting my day, people. Start my day. I fucking juice. Then I go get my fucking pit bull.

We go for a walk. We go for a hike for like an hour. I come back and then I have a bowl of oatmeal with some, a handful of raisins thrown in there. That's how I start my day. And it's been fucking great for me. I'm not trying to preach to you people. I'm not trying to be a fucking breakfast Nazi here,

but this is what I realized with me. This is how I get out of whack, is if I start my day either with, I can't even just say toast and eggs, but if I throw the bacon in there, then it's really extra salty. Then I got to throw a little jam on my toast, to try to level myself off, just like a fucking coquette.

Drinking alcohol to bring me down a little bit. I got the salt, the salt's making me sleepy, so I put the jelly on the toast to bring me back up. Right there, I'm out of fucking whack. Or if I have French toast or anything you put syrup on, then my sugar goes through the roof. Next thing you know, I'm grabbing a handful of fucking potato chips,

like an hour later and then like for the rest of the day, my blood sugar, I don't know what it is. It probably looks like a, what do you got? One of those things with the heart thing. Sonogram, whatever the fuck you call it. Not a telegraph, what do you call that fucking thing? You know, when you're lay there in the hospital. And they're looking at your heart rate.

That's what it looks like. Salt, sugar, salt, sugar. That's what I do for the rest of the fucking day. Then at the end of the day, I take a big piece of cake and I shove it right down my fucking pie hole. And that's my day. And then gradually, my white doughy stomach starts to hang over my belt and then I hate myself.

And then I start lashing out of people in the crowd. So, there you go. That's what's been working for me. So why don't you guys give it a shot? If you want to, if you don't, I don't give a fuck. Oh, by the way, 170 days without booze and I actually fucked it up yesterday. I was at a barbecue yesterday

and I accidentally twice had two sips of beer. Okay, so technically, in my world, my streak is still going because it was an accident, but I've had booze within the last 24 hours. And this is what I've noticed, which is really fascinating about the human brain. And I didn't realize this till I went to Stockholm, Sweden when I did that gig over there.

Remember I told you that story? And I went over there and everybody, you know, and I forgot that, you know, I didn't speak a word of Swedish, and everyone's going, Friesen, Friesen, Friesen, Friesen. And I was, you know, the fucking, the comedian in front of me, who was speaking English backstage,

went out there and did his whole act in Swedish and was killing. Friesen, Friesen, he was Friesen. I was a Harish, he was a Harish. And the crowd's like, wow. And I'm freaking out going, are they even gonna fucking understand me? This is what I learned when I was in Sweden,

was I took for granted how much I don't read when I'm in the States. Because you just like, I think when you look at a stop sign, you don't read stop. You just, you're just visually looking at it. And I didn't realize that shit until I went over to Sweden and the amount of extra thinking that I had to do

where I would be looking at like a car and just be like, okay, is that a taxi or is that a police car? You know, or I'd have to look at a storefront and just sort of try to, because I can't read the word. It's in Swedish and it's like 97 fucking letters. I'd have to just really sit there looking. Is that clothes?

Is there food in there? Is that, what the fuck is that? That's what happened to me at the party. I opened the refrigerator door and I saw this green can. And I immediately equated it with soda and then my brain told me it was a sprite. Turned out it was seven up.

And right next to it was a red and white can. So I think I actually think it was just red. So in my world, that was Coke. So I reached for the Coke, opened it up, took a sip of it, thinking I was drinking Coca-Cola and it was a Mexican beer. And I drank it and I didn't even reckon, I don't know, it was a weird tasting beer.

I thought it was like iced tea and I looked down and I'm reading it. You know, and actually I'm just looking for Coke and I'm looking all over the words and finally I see beer. I'm like, did I just drink a beer? I was like, fuck, there goes my goddamn streak. So of course, Nia's laughing at me.

So then I go over and grab what I thought was a sprite, was actually seven up, I started drinking that. And then later on, at the party, you grabbed the wrong thing. Once again, I thought I was drinking Coke and I reached over and I grabbed another thing, another fucking swig of beer. So I want you guys to know, it was my streak over.

You know, all you addicts out there, what does that mean? If you do that, if you're in AA, do you have to turn in your chip and start all over again? And go up there and cry at the podium because you actually had a sip of beer? Do I get any credit with the fact that I opened the beer, took the sip of the beer

and just said, oh fuck, this is, you know, I thought this was Coke, it's a beer and I just set it down, I didn't have any more? Anybody, can you help me out here? This is when I wish I took collars. I'm glad I don't take collars because I think collars really slow down the fucking show. You know, half of them are fucking prank phone calls

and then half the people, it just takes them two goddamn long. Plus, I like talking. All right, you haven't noticed the fact that I rarely have a guest on this show and I could somehow keep it going for a fucking hour? You know, that's not an amazing ability. That is an incredible personality flaw.

All right, more underrated, overrated. Unpaid internships, overrated. I graduated from college less than a year ago and I've been looking for a job in my area of studies for more than a year with no success. Dude, my heart goes out to these fucking kids just getting out of college right now and they're one of the worst economies ever.

It's just fucking ridiculous. They already overcharged you for your fucking education and these goddamn bankers screwed the whole fucking economy up. Anyways, plowing your head. He says, while looking for a job, I encountered numerous agencies that offer internships but none for pay.

It seems, how is that legal, by the way? You don't pay him anything? It seems like many places take advantages of the bad economy and the desperate job seekers to lure them into doing work for free. Unfortunately, I'm one of them. Dude, what kind of a fucking scumbag? This is what, you know, I wanna go undercover

into corporate America and I wanna see how that goes down. How that, like, is it just like the mob where you're like, hey, it's not fucking personal, it's business, oh! You know? Well, if you check out the market, what the market will bear now is it's advantageous if you're the employer to take advantage

of the human resources and offer them a negative cash flow contract. However they fucking deal, they never just come out and say, hey, let's take advantage of the future and pay them absolutely nothing. So we can drive, we can put rims on our flashy fucking cars. Anyways, he says, what do these agencies offer in exchange?

Experience, building your resume, making connections with other employees, promises of hiring after a short period and other bullshit like that. He says, fuck that in capital letters. You mentioned in Joe Rogan's podcast how comedians should not offer their material for free in exchange for exposure and I completely agree.

These unpaid internships that are so popular right now need to stop. I'm more efficient than some of my full-time coworkers at my internships, which are not a surprise, which are not a surprise, are part of a worker's union. And I work, here comes my bad reading skills. I got totally confused with his parentheses. He says, and I work there only two days out of the week.

If it wasn't funny, it would be sad. So he's basically saying in those two days he does more work than the people who are members of the union. You know, that's something that unions have to address here is I'm all about unions, but you know, just because you now have the power to lean on a shovel doesn't mean you should.

And that's what's really fucked over unions. Unions were a great idea, and people died, had their heads kicked in, got shot at by our own fucking army. When guys like Andrew Carnegie had the connections to bring them in, like he did there in the fucking Banks of the Allegheny out there in Pittsburgh, where the fuck it was at?

That's now a mall. All right, they needed those unions so we could avoid sweatshop, the sweatshop labor conditions that existed in this country. And then what happened? Aside from the map, the mob taken over those things, what happened is guys used the unions, the power of unions as a way to get over fucking paid

and not to bust their ass at work anymore. So then they became the exact fucking thing that they were rebelling against. So I understand why corporations move their fucking companies out of this country. I also understand why that there had to be unions. You know, this is what it always comes down to is people are people.

Rich people aren't the only greedy fucking assholes out there. Middle class and poor people, if you put them in a position where they can be greedy, the sad thing is most people will take advantage of this situation. And these are not unique theories. This is the overall theory, harsh theory, that most people learn when they get out of their house

and they get into the real world. You realize that most people are cunts. There's very few good people out there. Poor, middle class or fucking rich. There's very few people that'll actually do the right thing. So I 100% agree with that. It would be, you know, speaking of unions, it would be great if you could somehow start one.

You know, that's what you need to do is you need to get everybody on the same page and say, listen, we're not saying you gotta give us all of us, but this fucking working for free is ridiculous. Yeah, they totally take an advantage of you because of the market. But I guess if it's a good market, you guys can take advantage of them.

I don't know, man, it's just, I don't know. Who the fuck knows? But I definitely, there's just something wrong with having kids work for fucking free, all right? And I will say to people who are in unions, which I am 100 in support of, you motherfuckers need to work harder. And you'll have a better public image.

Now I'm not saying everybody in unions don't, they all of them lean on shovels, but you know why you got that reputation, okay? I'm Irish. I know we got, why we got the reputation for being a bunch of drunk motherfuckers because so many of us are, or at least enough of us got so fucking drunk

that we completely wiped out any sort of good Irishman out there, all right? So there you go. Another one, documentaries, underrated. In the last few months, I've become a big fan of documentaries, especially about our corrupted economy, our fucked up culture,

and our dying planet and environment. I have to say, these films put a really gray picture as far as our civilization goes. Yeah, I know, that's why I kind of stopped watching them. I just try to do the right thing in my own life. If I watched too many of those, they'd really depress the shit out of me. The present is already looking bad,

and I do not see a way we can dig ourselves out of this hole that we've created. I just don't understand why people dismiss these types of films. Are they trying to avoid the painful truth? Absolutely. I just said I was. Are they in denial?

Absolutely. There are ways and solutions to fix it, but as long as we have Democrats versus Republicans, white versus blacks versus Hispanics, coal and oil energy versus clean energy, and most importantly, fucking paper money in stock markets, nothing's gonna change. Yeah, this guy, this is the exact conclusion

that I came to, although I don't agree that a lot of the clean energy they say is clean energy. Like, as much as I drive a hybrid, which is really a scam, it's only an electric car when it's going five miles an hour under, other than that, it's just an underpowered gas car, but it does burn clean, and it does get great gas mileage. But, you know, electric cars, I mean, those batteries,

eventually you have to dispose of those, and those things wreak havoc. Basically, human beings in general wreak havoc on the environment, so I think the solution is you have to have some sort of population control, and they should do it sooner rather than later, because if they did it sooner, we could avoid some sort of Stalin-esque slash Hitler

solution, because that's what the fuck they're gonna do. I think the problem with human beings is we treat global problems the same way a college kid treats doing a term paper. We do it the night before. You know, remember Y2K? We knew that shit was coming, and it ended up not being a fucking problem,

but everybody panicked in the final two months. They were talking about it for 10 years that we were gonna have this, possibly have this fucking problem, and we waited until the last fucking second, and I think that the population problem is gonna be the same thing. The problem, there's too many fucking people.

There's nothing wrong with chopping down trees. There's nothing wrong with using coal. There's nothing wrong with driving a big car. There's nothing wrong with any of that. The problem is that there's seven billion people on the fucking planet. That's a problem. All right, we need to get that number way the fuck down.

Way the fuck down. I would say under a billion. Under a billion people, you need to do that. So I think that you should just implement laws, the amount of people, the kids that you can have, and I also think that, you know, you should offer people money to not have kids, adopt kids, recycle.

I think that they should do all of that type of stuff while they try to have cleaner burning cars and that type of shit, just gradually let people kind of die off, you know? I, that's what I feel, you know? Cause if you don't do that, then eventually I think that we're gonna run out of food, run out of clean water, and you're gonna have the rich in their gated communities

and they're gonna be guarded by the black water people and they're just gonna be shooting out the rest of us in their fucking heads, in our heads. That's what I think's gonna happen, personally. If mother nature doesn't get us first. All right, that was uplifting. All right, let's get to advice for the week. Bill, year and a half ago,

where the hell am I? A year and a half ago, me and this girl that I used to work with were hanging out a lot and fooling around all summer, very nice. It was pretty casual, there you go. That's how you set it up, it's pretty casual. Wonderful, now if he can just, the art is trying to keep it there.

And as I've told you before, what that is, it's the time between you're hooking up, okay? When you're keeping it casual and that type of shit, if you wanna hang out and have drinks, that's fine. But when you get back to your place, you do the deed and that's it, she's gotta go. You can't hang out and watch a movie, that's when they start getting feelings,

it's not fair to the female, you know? That's what you gotta do. Don't call them all the fucking time, you gotta keep it fucking casual. All right, continuing, which is kinda hard to do when you work with them. But anyways, he goes, it was pretty casual, but that was only because we both knew

I had to leave in August, so we made a point to not get too serious, beautiful. Once the summer ended, I had to go back to school in Miami, so our situation kinda ended, but we stayed in touch. Then recently, this last spring break, I went home for 10 days. When I let her know I was gonna be in town,

she said that we had to hang out, but only his friends because she had a boyfriend, which I was fine with. All right, dude, now, I haven't read this one yet, but I gotta tell you, right here, don't hang out with her more than once. All right, this is what you should do in that situation. She's got a boyfriend, it's over.

All right, so if she wants to hang out, hang out in a public place, and at the end of the night, you say you gotta go. Don't bring up sex, don't fucking do anything like what you used to do. She's got a boyfriend, you gotta walk away from that situation. Not to mention, if the two of you

were just hanging out at any moment, her boyfriend could walk in and you could get the old fucking clattering to the side of the fucking head. Anyways, so the first day I was there, she came over to my house to hang out. Okay, that's a red flag right there. She's got a boyfriend, you come to town, she immediately drops her boyfriend

and comes to hang out with you. All right, after a half hour of that awkward catching up conversation, we went up to my room to watch a movie. Oh, Jesus. Once the movie started, she made sure to drive home the fact that I shouldn't make a move on her because she's with someone else.

Yeah, see right here, dude, she's playing with your dick. She's slapping it around, making it go up, and then she's going, hey, hey, hey, hey, we gotta take it easy, and then it goes back down again. She's fucking with you, she's fucking with you. She's playing the up and down game from the Open Anthony show with your dick. If you guys haven't seen that yet, I'm telling you,

look that up on YouTube, the Open Anthony up and down game. It's one of the most genius bits I've ever seen. Fucking hilarious. Anyways, I completely disregarded this. Oh, so she tells you, yeah, yeah, yeah, let me go back here. I really have to drop my commentary here. Why don't I just read the rest here?

So the movie starts and she drives home the point that he shouldn't make a move on her because she is with somebody else. So he says, I completely disregard this and I put my arm around her anyways. 10 minutes into the movie. You know what, I respect that move, by the way. 10 minutes into the movie, we're in a full-on cuddle,

and she's doing that shit where she's running her finger up and down my arm. Then out of nowhere, she flips around and climbs on top of me with that fuck me look in her eyes. Dude, this is a great story. She's even doing that pre-sex, slightly heavy breathing. Dude, I haven't read this, I'm telling you, she's gonna pull the emergency shoot.

This is the Richard Pryor bit, where they wait till your dick is hard enough to cut diamonds, I believe is how Richard put it. Or Mr. Pryor, let me have some fucking respect here. Saying Richard like I know the guy. She drops in to start kissing me, but stops an inch from my mouth and stays there for a second or two.

Then she climbs off and goes back to cuddling. Oh. You know what, dude? You're young, you didn't know any better, but if you were older, you set yourself up for this. After recollecting myself, I started to say something, but the second I started talking, she flipped over and did it again.

But for a bit longer this time. This time, I asked her what the fuck she was doing, and she giggled, cunt. Yeah, dude. Right there, man, this is the thing. You gotta take charge of the situation. You gotta tell your dick to stand down and be like, look, either we're gonna do this

or we're not gonna do this. I actually think at that point, you should have just bounced her out of there and rubbed one out. That's the power move right there, man. That's the move that's gonna make you feel better than if you even fucked her, because she's still gonna get something out of it.

She got to get laid, right? So fuck that. You should have kicked her out right then, just been like, you know what, this was a bad idea, shut this up, you have to go. You shouldn't be doing this, you have a boyfriend. See, you flip it around, you put the guilt on her. She leaves, you fucking rub one out, right?

Then you don't give a shit that you didn't bang her, and then you fucking go out to the local watering hole. You know, you gotta run into some chick you went to fucking high school with, you're a little older, you're a little more manly, you get the scruff going, and you fucking tag her. And fuck this girl. She is a cunt, she is a boyfriend,

she shouldn't be doing this shit. All right, let's continue. Where the hell was I? This time though, she stayed, she did it for about full 30 seconds. Okay, so we went back to cuddling for the next five minutes, until she did it for a third time.

This time though, she stayed there for about 30 seconds, and she wouldn't pull, and she would pull back every time I actually kissed her, so that she kept the inch between us. Once she got off, she started that giggling again, which by then had gone from cute to annoying as hell, and then slipped her shoes on, and said she had to go. See dude, if you took charge in one of those,

you could have bounced her out. We didn't hang out again after that, and now I'm back in Miami. I guess my question is, what should I have done? I guess I already answered it, and what the fuck was she doing? Any answer would be great, or even a rant about those annoying tees and cunts.

Thanks, well you know what dude, I hadn't read this one. I was busy this week, and the guy who helps me with my podcast, who will remain nameless, because that's how I do it, sent me this thing, and I'm a little late today, so it's the first time I read it. Yeah, that's what she was doing.

She just, I don't know. You'd almost have to ask a female to get into the psychology of it, but I guess, I think that, I don't know, does she wanna just see that you still wanna fuck her, and that like, I can tell you this right now, that her relationship with this other guy

isn't gonna work, and she has major fucking, not major, she's either really immature, or eventually she has major issues, and she'll fuck up every relationship by doing shit like this, and eventually she's gonna be that old hottie hanging out at the wine bar,

you know, with the crow's feet around her eyes, you know that chick, she'll just end up being that girl, and then we'll look back in regret at all the good guys that she fucking dick teased as she was playing the fucking field, but this is what you do in the future. The second a girl is doing some shit like that,

the second she said, listen, just so you know, I have a boyfriend, we can't be doing this, you should've said, you know what, you're right, let's not watch a movie, and right then you kick her out, so you have some sort of power, all right, and if you wanna fuck a girl like that, you should've been the one saying no,

you should've been the one pushing her off, all right, because it sounds like she has that fucking thing where, you know, she gets off on the fact that you want her, but can't have her, all right, so if you're acting like you don't want her, that fucks with her head, like wait a minute, what am I losing my pussy power,

and you just literally back your way into the fucking boat, then you clobber over the head, and then there you go, you got your fish in the boat, all right, that's how you do that, but I gotta tell you, in the future, dude, chicks like that are just a complete fucking waste of time, you're already banged her, so you already dotted all the eyes,

crossed all the T's, what the fuck are you still doing? You're there because it's an easy, you thought it was an easy fucking lay when you got back, which is understandable, okay, but the problem is, is you don't have your dick in check, your dick is running your fucking life, you gotta make the decisions, all right, and when you fucking do that,

you start winning those a lot more, see, women have their pussies in check, that's why they always win those battles, 90% of the fucking time, so there you go, that's the little information that I can help you with, but like I said, don't ever be afraid to fucking ask a female for advice on stuff like that, not only will they give you advice,

they actually enjoy doing it, and they'll have way better advice than I do, because they're a fucking woman, you know what I mean? It's like you're calling me, you're asking a plumber about fucking carpentry, go to a carpenter, all right, that is the podcast for this week, I hope you guys enjoyed it,

seemed like a fairly smooth one, right? Let me, can I whore out some dates here, people? Can you hang with me this long enough, huh? Or maybe you're gonna hang with me, because you're on final approach. Oh, you know what, I can't stand, this is what happened to me the other day, I went out to go buy my fucking water cooler

that I wanna have, just in case a tsunami hits out here, cause I live on a fault line, and I always wanna have at least five to 10 gallons of water, you know? I'm already inland enough with a tsunami's not gonna hit. If a tsunami hits me here, I'm telling you, Utah's in trouble, all right? So I go to Lowe's Hardware, I go there online,

I look up to see if they have the one that I want, and then, you know, and Lowe's has it. So, rather than just saying they only have it online, I'm assuming it's at the fucking store. So I jump in my car and I drive over there, and they don't fucking have it. They don't fucking have it, and it's just, you know, just fucking drove me nuts.

So then I stop off at a sporting goods store to buy a pump, because my football doesn't have any air in it, and this is what you do at 42, when you don't have any fucking kids, you know? You actually, you're still acting like you're fucking 14, so I don't know. I just had that moment when I went into the sporting goods store, you know?

I hate when they can't fucking help me. I'm asking a simple question, and then I start to flip out, and then they just call me sir a million fucking times. You know? Sir, I'm sorry, sir, but sir, could you, sir, could you please not sir in this, sir, please, sir? Thank you, sir.

That fucking shit. That's what reminds me of flying on the plane, if you do anything, if you have your seat back. Sir, could you please put your seat back up, sir? Thank you, sir. Sir, in order to expedite this, sir, sir, could you please, sir? I fucking hate that, and you know what I do?

Then I threw gritted teeth, just say ma'am back a hundred times. I'm sorry ma'am, yes ma'am, thank you ma'am. Ma'am, could you stop mamming me, ma'am? You fucking cunt, ma'am. Sorry, that was a little bit of fucking, half an ounce of rage I had to get out there. Let me get back to hyping my dates here.

So anyways, this week, oh, what a week I have. I'm gonna be at the record theater for two shows. I believe the second show is already sold out. So if you wanna get tickets, you better fucking hustle there. For you fucking cunt, is the goddamn internet not working in this room? You know, I really need to step my life up.

I'm at the record theater this Friday, April 8th for two shows. I believe they're like eight and 10 or eight and 1030. I don't know what the fuck they are. My goddamn website won't come up. That's outside of Baltimore, Maryland. And on Friday night, I'm at the Tower Theater in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Later on this month, I got two more shows. One is in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, April 22nd at the PAPS Theater. Unbelievable response, by the way. I wanna thank everybody beforehand in Milwaukee. Maybe that's why I had the Laverne and Shirley song in my head. Isn't that where that show was based at?

And they also worked at a beer factory. It's all coming full circle. And on the 23rd, I'll be at the Royal Oak Theater in Detroit, Michigan. Both of those dates are selling unbelievably well. Both of them are gonna sell out. So get your tickets as soon as you can. And I wanna thank everybody there for it.

Like, I have not, I've never played Milwaukee and I have not played Detroit since I did the Rich Bitch Tour, the Chappelle Show Tour. Back in, I think I did that in an 04. I've done like kickers and that type of stuff outside of Detroit, but I haven't been in Detroit. So I guess it's Royal Oak, I have no idea. And then the last one is actually sold out.

It's one of those anti-social comedy, comedy tour dates. And that one is Jim Norton put the tour together. Jim Norton from Little Jimmy from the Open Anthony Show, best radio show out there for my money. Jim Norton, Jim Brewer, David Tell and myself are all doing a comedy tour. We just added some dates.

We have a date in Washington, DC on May 13th. We have one in June, I believe it's at the Chicago Theater. These are all at antisocialcomedy.com. I believe that one is June 15th, I think. I don't know. All of that is on antisocialcomedy.com. Just click on tour dates. Those dates are all on sale.

You know, please come down. You get four comics for the price of one. We're playing some of the most beautiful venues in the country, more dates are gonna follow because the turnout has been unbelievable. Ticket sales have been fantastic. So that's the podcast for this week. Oh, real quick, Jay Miller.

One of my favorite enforcers of the Boston Bruins is in the hospital recovering from pneumonia. Just wanna send him Get Well Soon wishes. One of my favorites. And we're gonna send a link YouTube video. We got some great YouTube videos this week. I almost forgot about those. We're gonna have one of Jay Miller holding his own

against the greatest of all time for my money, Bob Probert. And what are the YouTube videos for this week? Oh, we got some good ones. I got one from that show Cheaters. You know, that show Cheaters where they got, you know, they basically, somebody thinks that somebody's cheating on them. So then what do they do?

They get, they hire this company and they start spying on the boyfriend and girlfriend. And when they confirm that they are in fact cheating, they show up and confront them. And this is one of the greatest ones I've ever seen. They confront this kid at an ice rink after he just played a hockey game. And you know, usually the person who's cheating,

you know, the dude is absolutely stunned. This guy handles it absolutely perfectly. He fucking breaks up with her. She shows up, she's like, you know, cause the chick he's cheating with is at the ice rink. She's just, yeah, who the fuck is that? You know, what the fuck are you doing here? And he just goes, he just breaks up with her

right on the spot. He's leaning on his stick, wiping the snow. I mean, the sweat off of his fucking nose. He looks like a hockey player in between periods going like, yeah, we got to work on our four checking. I hope we can get that goal back in the second period. He wasn't even sweating it. He just breaks up with her.

She's like, yeah, who the fuck is that? What the fuck are you doing? He just goes, he goes, yeah, we're done. She goes, what do you mean we're done? Just like that? He goes, yeah, it's over. She goes, that girl, cause the other girl was uglier. She goes, you're going to dump me for that girl.

And he goes, what can I say? She does it right. And he didn't, he didn't give a fuck. He was barely looking at her. He was just sitting there leaning on his stick. He wasn't nervous that there was cameras there. And he just fucking breaks up with her. And then his girlfriend doesn't know what to do.

So she ends up getting into a fist fight with the chick he's cheating on. And he just sort of walks away into the locker room. It's fucking phenomenal. What else do we got? We have some hippy chick trying to give a presentation to a bunch of corporate people. What the hell are these YouTube videos?

We got Paul Orndoff hyping the Hulkamania workout thing. That's one of my favorites. And we got a couple others. They're all going to be up at themmpodcast.com. And like I stated earlier, if you want to send emails to this podcast, the new email address is billatthemmpodcast.com. Please keep them coming.

You guys' emails, they get better each week. That's it, you guys all. Have a great weekend. Great weekend, great week. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. I'll talk to you next week. I'll talk to you next week.

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