Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-5-18

Episode Date: April 6, 2018

Bill rambles about Dean Delray's bash, 80's rockers, and yoga.

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Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I am checking in on you. What's going on?

How's your week been going? Oh, Jesus, that's wonderful. That's fantastic. I'm out here in LA. It's overcast. It's gloomy. It's rainy, which is a good thing, which is a good thing, because we always need the fucking rain out here.

And I'm so pissed at whoever the, I don't know if it was the mayor, I don't know who it was, but last year it rained like it's never rained out here. And this fucking asshole goes, OK, you know, the drought's officially over. It's like it's never over. There was never supposed to be a city out here. OK, so whatever we got, we need to conserve

because who the fuck knows when it's going to rain again? So what do I see? What do I see the other day? I see this whole fucking thing, this video about how they put these giant black rubber balls. They just roll them into lakes, I think. And I believe that it's to try to prevent, you know, to slow down the evaporation of the water

in this searing heat out here. And once again, they're saying that we're in a drought. And does anybody go back to the stupid ass fucking mayor or the governor or the lieutenant, something, whatever? Whatever the fuck the person's position is, that makes the ignorant statement that the drought is over. So every stupid cunt out here goes back to fucking taking an extra long shower.

Of course not. Why would you do that? Why would you do that? It's not your job as a politician. Your job as a politician is not to tell people what's going on. It's to make people feel that everything is going to be OK. You make them feel like everything's going to be OK when everything isn't OK.

And then you make people scared shitless when there's really nothing to be afraid of. And that is my cynical fucking view on a cloudy fucking LA morning. Oh, these people, oh, they're coming to get you. Oh, there's plenty of water. Fucking take a nice long shower, you stupid cunt. Um, well, that's not it.

That's, you know, we're getting towards the end of the week. Well, why, why, why, why would I come at you so in this way? I'm a little grumpy today. I'm a little grumpy. Didn't get a lot of sleep last night. And then I got to I'm going out to Pittsburgh today. I got Pittsburgh and I got Cincinnati this weekend. Two fucking towns of people ain't afraid to work.

At least their dads weren't. And they're dad's dad. But these kids now sitting around playing video games, trying to fucking come up with an app. I ain't steel working, is it? I'm going out there, some of my great friends that I've met in this business live in Pittsburgh. And so I'm going to be doing tomorrow morning.

I'm going to be on the morning show, Randy Bauman and Bill Crawford, WDLE. So tune in. If you're in Pittsburgh, I always try to make sure that when I come back that I do their show. Because I remember back in the day when I would go there and I would play the fucking Pittsburgh Improv out at the stacks, it's this mall out there.

And they literally kept the stacks from when we used to fucking produce shit in this country. And from the old steel mills or whatever. And I used to go down there and I'd sell about 30, 35 tickets. I mean, it was a fucking hard ticket to sell. I can't explain it. That goddamn mall, first of all, there was one way in and one way out on this skinny bridge,

if I remember correctly. And it just took forever to get in and out of there. And if nobody knew who the fuck you were, it was very difficult to sell tickets. So Randy used to put me on the show. He'd be like, dude, just come in Tuesday. Do the fucking show every single day. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

I'd come in, I would do it, just sit in for almost the whole show all four days in a row. And then I finally started selling tickets. So, you know, now that I'm selling tickets, I don't want to come back to Pittsburgh like old Billy Big Shot, right? I got to go back there and kiss the fucking ring. That made me what I was in your steel shitty.

And of course, they're going to probably fucking give me shit. I already am willing to believe that they're going to give me shit about the last Patriot Steelers game. Those poor fucking people, I can't remember the last time the Steelers beat the Patriots. It's unbelievable. They used to beat the fuck out of us when we were kids. I'm just trying to enjoy the last fucking whatever Tom Brady

has left because I know it's going to be, it's like Dolphin fans. They're still waiting for the next day of Marina. They've been waiting since 99. An entire generation has grown up watching them lose to the Patriots. And my whole childhood, I watched us lose to the Dolphins. Bob fucking greasy, right? And then he finally retires like, oh, thank God, right?

And then somehow Don Shuler still got David Woodley and Don Strock to trade off at that position. And they went to another fucking Super Bowl. Granted, they lost. They still kicked our ass. And then they get damn Marina. So our lives were fucking miserable for a good 17 years. So you know, that's an interesting question.

I would love to see what is Patriots' lifetime record against the Miami Dolphins? Let's see here. Patriots, first Dolphins, all time, wait, what did I just say? I said it perfectly. Lifetime record. See if we get it here. This is why the internet's fucking great.

This is why it's fucking great. Wait, what do you mean the Patriots won 11? And 10 in the 80s against the Dolphins? That's not fucking possible. Wait a minute. OK. In the 60s, the Dolphins won. They won four out of seven.

They were four and three. In the 70s, they were 13 and seven. In the 80s, the Patriots were 11 and 10. I never would have known that. In the 90s, they were 14 and seven. Oh, we didn't even do that well against them. In 2000s, we were 11 and nine versus them. I didn't even know that it was that close.

I thought they destroyed us in the 80s, and we won one more game than them. And I thought we killed them in the 2000s. We were 11 and nine. And then this decade, we were 12 and four. All right, so who's winning here? Oh, Jesus, 12 and 11 is 23, everybody. I can't fucking do this.

This is going to take forever. You know what? I just realized I don't care. Can you do give me a total? Do I have to fucking think? I mean, this is the internet. The whole fucking reason to get on this is not to think. All right, let's see here.

Dolphins won 17 and 10 after two decades. Then they were 27 and 21. Oh, then they crushed us. 27 and 21. Then they were 35 and 28. My brain's going to explode here. 35 and 28. Then they were 44 and 39.

Then 48 and 51. I believe I just did the math correctly. They're 48 and 51. I'll type for the real even matchup. Swapping paper, they'll allow us four fucking decades. See that right there? Whenever I gamble on football, I always stay away from division rivalries

because it makes no fucking sense. But somehow, it's like the Jets. As much as the Jets suck, there still are the bills or whatever that you're still going to go like, you know, I don't know. One of them's going to get you. You're going to have a let down. They play it twice a year.

It's really hard to beat through it. There's two times the same thing with the same fucking season. All right, let's get down to what I really want to talk about. Dean Del Ray's 52nd birthday party slash tribute to Bond Scott at the Avalon might have been the most fun I've ever fucking had since I got into this business. It was a stand up show slash comedy show

if you didn't see the flyer. And the stand up show was Joey Diaz who should have been closing. And then Mark Marin and then myself. They should have flipped the fucking order. But we came out. We did. Dean, of course, hosted the show.

It was sold out. And then in the end, Dean went up in front of this all star band and sang the entire Powerage album. I got to see Mark Marin play lead guitar. And I got to sit in on three songs on drums. And it's the best I ever played. And I still had a train rector and fucking live wire. But other than that, it was fucking great.

And dude, I just want to thank everybody who played and let me be a part of that. Dean Del Ray for putting it together. Scotty and Nicky Six, Mike Devon, Rudy Sazo, Joss Z, Dave Kushner, Steve Gorman fucking murdered it on drums. Mark Marin, George Lynch. I know I probably forgot a couple of people. Whoever the one got, they got the same amps and guitars

in exact gear that ACDC used back then. So they had that crunch sound. I know that we've been posting clips on Instagram and everything around the internet. But it was fucking unbelievable. Unbelievable night. And I already knew that I loved Steve Gorman as a drummer. But just watching him fucking murdering

for an entire hour, it was incredible. I still cannot believe that that happened. Fucking playing drums. And I'm looking up in this fucking Nicky Six playing bass, Scotty, and on guitar. I don't think I'll ever get over that, people. That was another thing. And that the hardest thing about doing that

is sitting there going, what the fuck am I doing here? But Jesus Christ, Dean Delray, I've never heard him sing better. Because now he got himself in ridiculous shape. You know what's hilarious is if you can somehow find clips two years ago when we did it. And Dean sang the entire Highway to Hell album. And I believe the next day or two days later,

he went to the doctor trying to figure out while he was still tired. And his levels of something were off. And then that's when he went on this diet, his new diet, that fucking guy gets locked into something. And he's just into it. You know what I mean? You know, I just quit drinking.

And then eventually I come back to it. That dude quits. It's fucking over. It's past him. But if you look at the difference, he doesn't even look like the same person. Like a little over two years ago when we did the last one, he looked like a fucking, he looked

like he'd been on the police force with a desk job for like fucking 25 years. Did some undercover work. He got in a little too deep. And then they fucking, they pulled him out. And he got rid of whatever drug addiction he had. And he put it into fucking donuts and eating color for cereal.

That's what this fucking guy looked like. And like you look at him now, he doesn't even look like the same person. In fact, he told me the other day, he ran into somebody and started talking to him. And they were acting all weird. And he had to like reintroduce himself. Because they just thought he was some sort of weird fan.

So he already killed it a few years ago. And he was horrifically out of shape. And now this year he was in unbelievable shape. And he fucking, fucking murdered it. And I want to also give a shout out to this one dude, and the crowd was amazing. But this one fucking dude, he took me back to the 80s when I used to see shows at the Worcester Center, Worcester,

the Providence Civic Center. This guy, he had the long hair, not styled at all. Not the way after a while they learned. Back in the day, when you just grew your hair to piss off your parents, you just didn't cut it. If you look at like fucking Robert Plant's hair before he got the do in the 80s, you just let it go out. This guy had, I guess it was more of a 70s haircut.

He just parted it down the middle and let it fucking go. He had the black fingerless gloves, the jean jacket with the band patches on it and shit. And he was head banging, vintage head banging, like it was like 84 before Glam came in. And he wasn't just head banging with the beat. He was whatever the guitars were doing. Like my neck hurt watching him.

And I don't know if he noticed, but everybody that was on the show at some point noticed him and was pointing like laughing going like this fucking guy. I remember guys like this. And I actually ran into him at the end of the show and a feminist took a little bit of video. So hopefully it was just the coolest fucking crowd ever. Like somebody walked by the line and he's like, dude,

it looks like heavy metal parking lot meets the comedy store. It was perfect. So I mean, I don't know. I haven't heard if Dean's going to do it again, but I got a feeling it was so much fun. There's no fucking way he's not going to do it again. And you owe it to yourself. You got to come out here because people are going like,

dude, you got to take this show on the road. It's just too many fucking amazing people that have their own careers, all those musicians. I don't know how the fuck you would get that on the road somewhere. Maybe you could do a one-off somewhere in New York City or something. I have no idea.

But that's another great thing about living in LA is all these guys are out here in LA. And everybody's always shitting on LA, going like, oh, fucking bunch of phony, fucking bubba bubba. Yeah, and then that happens. That happens. And everyone was so generous. And I remember afterwards like, I don't know.

Everybody was just so fucking. Everybody was literally a fan of ACDC. And it was just the greatest night ever. So thank you to Dean Delray, the All Things Comedy Network, Let There Be Talk podcast, and amazing comedian now who gets sustained rounds of applause the last couple of dates I did with them. So happy for him.

It was just a fucking night of my life. Of his life, too, I should say. I'm fucking making it about myself. Anyways, I don't know. That's weird. That was all positive. Now that's kind of thrown me off my game here. I got to trash something now.

Oh, I actually am taking a connecting flight to Pittsburgh, because the only direct flight is on Southwest. And I just cannot fucking handle the stand-up comedy that they try to do on those things. It's excruciating. The jokes never work, at least when I'm on there. And then there's just this awkward pause, and everybody sort of laughs out of the awkwardness.

And I find it unbelievably fucking unprofessional. Considering we're all on a fucking plane, that's always the outside chance this thing could crash. As we're going down the tarmac, and the guy's doing a Darth Vader voice, make sure your seat belt is on. Doing this shit, and everybody's fucking laughing. It's like, what the fuck are you doing? Sorry.

I don't know why it bothers me as much as it does, because I actually, I told you last time, I went on the internet, and I tried to find people that agreed with me, and I couldn't find one post. I went through four pages of the internet when I searched flight attendants doing their comedy routines. And all it was was glowing reviews. So at some point, I guess I just have to admit that it's me.

That is me. But they have an incredible safety record over there. They really do. But I don't think it's because of those fucking jokes. I don't know. I almost made a fucking joke that I'm not going to do that joke, because we live in a time that you just can't make jokes like that. But just know that it involved Muhammad Ata.

How about those Boston Bruins, everybody? They are tied. We just got smoked by the Tampa Bay Lightning, four to nothing. We are tied for points. We got three games left. We're playing the Panthers, the Senators, and then the Panthers again to see who's going to have, I guess, home ice throughout the whole Eastern Conference fucking playoffs.

Congratulations to them. This amazing season, this amazing rebuild. You know, since we let all of those guys go from our 2011, essentially 2011 Stanley Cup team, the fact that they turned it around this quickly has been incredible. And the only thing that sucks right now is the Canadians suck. Because I would be really excited when we get this good.

You want to go play a good Canadian team, Montreal Canadians team, and have a great classic seven game series. And it's like if the Yankees suck and the Red Sox are good, or vice versa, it's not fun for the fans, unless you're just a douchebag and you like to see a one-sided event. But playoffs are coming up. Celtics is coming up. I haven't been able to watch any fucking games.

The amount of times I've had five or six games, Bruins games or Celtics games, just backlogged. And I can only watch the first period of one game, like I did the Lightning game. And then I got to erase all of them, because it takes up too much space. I just don't have the fucking time. You know, this should be yawning.

Yawning. Like the fucking parent I am right now. Proud to be a parent, but Jesus Christ, you're fucking. And I got all the packages. And I think I'm going to have to get rid of them. I don't even have fucking time to watch them. This is all good reasons why I don't have time to watch them. But the Red Sox came out.

I think we're like five and one. Everybody's excited about our pitching staff. The Red Sox, who are now the evil empire. And the Yankees are this little team that could that has 500 zillion fucking dollars. But the way the Yankees did it versus the way the Red Sox did it, we've literally become them. But it seems to be working for us.

And it's working for the Yankees. So I have a bet this year with Paul Versey, the pride of Trenton via Newark, New Jersey. Paul Versey, 50 bucks a game in the regular season. And I also have another 50 bucks a game with my agent who books me on the road. So I figure if I put some money on it, I'll be able to at least pay attention.

Because I don't want to miss all this shit. I don't become that dad that doesn't know any of the players' names. Starts talking about Omar Moreno and fucking Dave Foley. The fuck, Tim Foley. Dave Foley, some kids in the hall. Tim Foley and all these old guys. Whitley McGee.

It's like listening to that guy who doesn't know when I was a kid. Still talking about Stan Musial. All right, let me read some of the fucking advertising here. And then I got to get the fuck out of here. I got to pack my bags, go out to Burbank, get on a fucking plane. Where am I going here?

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What's the matter? Well, you know, you kind of got your stretchy pants all over the floor. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, I didn't do it on purpose. Freshen, where does that go? Where does it go? It goes nowhere.

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And they got to take them down to the fucking car wash, you know, the self-car wash, and take out that fucking scrubber that the soap shoots out of, you know? Tie the person to the fucking front fender like a goddamn, like a shunt and elk, and you just scrub them down. Clean up your bathroom and your morning routine with Dollar Shave Club's daily essential static kit. But just $5 with free shipping, you get the six blade

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now and get special savings when you enter burr at checkout legal zoom where life meets legal. Legalzoom.com, you sons of bitches. All right, what else do I have to say? Do I have anything else to say? Actually, I don't. Let's talk about how I know how to pack now. All right, one pair of jeans, two shirts, underwear, and socks,

and that's it. You slam it in a fucking bag. You never have to sit there at the fucking turnstile. I don't give a fuck. If I was going on the road for a year, that's exactly what I would bring. Never coming home again. I don't give a fuck.

And you wear black. That's why Johnny Cash wore black so they couldn't tell he was wearing the same fucking shirt every day, right? That's how you got to do it. You got to wear dark colors. You start walking around dressing all flashy. All of a sudden, you got to be like Mariah Carey bringing all this bedazzled shit out on the fucking road.

I always think that that's why she's always in such a mood. You know what I mean? She always seems to be talking, yet also thinking about something else at the same time. I think she's probably wondering, did I pack those bedazzled red-bottomed shoes that have my face and diamonds on them? Can we talk about divas for a minute?

Is there a reason why they're vetting all these men out here in Hollywood, yet they're leaving the divas alone? I mean, just think about how many phones they've thrown at fucking people that are probably working for free. You know, the amount of time they've slapped people in the face just said horrible things. At what point are we going to hold the Diana Ross's fucking high-heeled shoes to the fire?

That's what I want to know. That's your homework between now and Monday. I don't know how many people say that. That's your homework. I took a yoga class the other day. It was fucking awesome. I went there with my wife. And I actually found this fake mustaches.

They actually now have fake man buns. And I actually had a little fucking velcro strip that I glued to my head. And I stuck it on the back of my head, my bald head. And I went there, and it was great. I've noticed that yoga teachers, for some reason, they can't just take you through the fucking class. They always have to, for whatever reason,

they always have to tell you a fucking story about how they failed during their life. And then they remembered, oh, look who's here. Come busting through the door. Hey, buddy, do you got your AC DC high voltage rock and roll 1975 onesie on? OK, I guess I've got to put the mic down because somebody wants to hug.

How you doing? Do you have any idea how much I'm going to miss you over the next couple of days? Huh? You know that's why I take the earliest flight back so I can see you and sing you the itsy bitsy spider? How about I can sing you some AC DC this morning? Back in black, hit sack, I bet you know I'm glad to be back

because I'm getting loose from the noose. That was the song for Bond Scott. Back in black like they were at a funeral. All right, I'm done with the podcast. What are you guys having for breakfast? Hi. Can you say hi? Nothing?

There you go. Hi. All right, I'll be in there in a minute. Thanks for helping me get through the last 90 seconds of the podcast, QDPie. Oh, yeah. I got all this rock stuff that I always put around. Whenever I dress her, they got these things.

I got these Motley crew onesies. What is it called? Hey, what's the Motley crew one? Instead of shout at the devil, shout at your mama. They're fucking adorable. What the hell is it called? They're all these cute toddler puns. And the level of clothes that kids can wear now, even

as toddlers, they didn't have any of that shit. When I was a kid, we had choo-choo trains, some sort of cowboys and Indians that just completely ignored the genocide that happened. That's what the fuck we had. We didn't have all these cool rock onesies. Well, Tadies, they have kids that spoiled today. Well, I need to save this.

I signed up for global entry. The Illuminati, one step closer to building my fucking Robrot replacement when I answer all these fucking questions. But I just got to have it now, that I'm bringing my family. And I'm fucking proud. That makes me feel to say that I actually have a family. I have to just be in this isolated psycho.

It's the fucking greatest thing ever. I love going to the mall. I like going to the park, pushing my kid on the swing. I remember looking at people thinking, and I always knew having a kid was cool. But I used to think at some level, I was sad for those people. I had it totally fucking wrong.

So anyways, I'm doing a gig in Dublin and then over to London doing Royal Albert Hall, which was an absolute dream of mine. And I'm going to record that night. Hopefully, I'm going to do enough time. I'm going to make the double album that I'm only going to put out on vinyl after I made fun of people that listened to records only

on my last podcast. That's what I'm going to do. It's what I want to do with Madison Square Garden, and the recording got fucked up. So I'm going to make sure I get it done right. And I also am going to try to get a drum kit there so I can play during the day, and hopefully I find somebody to jam with over there.

But anyways, afterwards, I'm going to take a little week off over there in Europe, and I'm bringing the whole family over. So when you've got a little one flying that far, it's going to be a friggin' nightmare. So at the very least, we can at least blow through the security by giving up a ridiculous amount of privacy by answering all these questions.

I just had to do what's had to make a sacrifice there. So that's it. That's the podcast. Once again, thank you to everybody involved with Dean Delray's birthday celebration and all of that. I mean, that was just, I took some video during soundcheck. I got to put it up. You cannot fucking believe how good that band sounded.

They top-notch musicians playing out of all that gear from the late 70s. It was fucking, I was getting like goose bumps. I know I took a couple of, I walked out into where the crowd was going to be before they brought everybody in, and just listening to those, how fucking good they are. And I got to tell you, too, Steve Gorman, just watching a professional fucking drummer,

it's just my favorite goddamn, up that close is my favorite thing. It's just, it's like, how do they make it sound that good? He was incredible. So anyways, I'll try to post some of that. And after, I came down for the soundcheck as I was so nervous that I was going to inevitably fuck up the songs, which of course I did in a number of areas. But I plowed through, but I wanted to make sure

I had one more crack at it before the people came in. But after we were done with the soundcheck, it was me, Mike Devin, I think Josh Z, and we just, we just started playing some, I started playing some Bonham Beats and then they just jumped right in and Devin started singing. I put the immigrant song up there, and it was just, it was so much fucking fun. So I hope Dean continues to do that every other year,

whatever the fuck he wants to do. And anytime he wants to do it, if he'll have me on, I would be honored to be there because that really was, it was perfect. My dream of being a stand-up comedian and then my dream hobby that I was never good enough to do professionally playing drums was just fucking awesome. So a thousand thanks to him. All right?

With that, here's some music picked out by Andrew Thelmuss before we give you another half hour from a Thursday afternoon. Podcasts from earlier this year are a year gone by. I don't know what, but that's it. Have a great weekend. I'll talk to you on Monday. Thank you. This YouTube video of this week, you really have to watch it.

Okay, it's one of those shows. It's basically, it's a rip-off of the view. It's four broads sitting around, and they got, you know, the same thing. You know, they got the older one. They got the sexy one. They got the one who was fat and then got her fucking stomach tied up like a goddamn balloon knot. Now she's dropping weight faster than a junkie, right?

I didn't know if that's true. I just looked around, you know, they got the racially mixed chick and they all got on their fucking shoes, right? They're little outfits. Hang on a second. Hang on a second. Somebody's knocking. I'll let you know what this is.

All right, you guys aren't going to believe this shit. That was security. And they just said that they had a noise complaint. Anyways, you know what? Some rich cunts on the other side of the door with the fucking piece. One of those really fancy glasses that they think came from France but actually came from a fucking pottery barn. If you can hear me, go fuck yourself.

This is what you get for nuke in the economy. Anyway, so these four fucking broads are on TV, right? And they ended up, they're talking about that guy. They're doing that story, you know? That story where that dude got his dick cut off. Men, out there, brace yourselves because we're about to go there because... This woman.

We're about to go there because this woman allegedly did. According to the Orange County DA's office, Catherine Kubecker is accused of cutting off her husband's penis with a knife, taking his penis and throwing it into the garbage disposal. So they're talking about that guy who got his dick cut off. His wife drugged him, tied him to a bed, cut his dick off, threw it in a garbage disposal and turned it on.

And it was basically because he wanted to get a divorce from her. Police say Becker attacked him because he filed for divorce. She mutilated him. She ended the guy's fucking life. And he saw quality life is over. And these women are talking about it. And lo and behold, it's fucking hilarious to him. She is being held in California. They had all they could do to keep a straight face

during the first minute of setting up the story, and then all the jokes come and they're laughing their fucking asses off. I do think it's quite fabulous. I mean... Can you just imagine that thing whizzing around the disposal? It's like hysterical. I would have just thrown it in the dog's bowl. Why does the dog have to suffer?

Are they chewing on an old bone? It's the funniest fucking thing ever. And this right here, it's because of that type of shit that I don't feel that I am misogynistic. I just don't. I think that I am just like women. I trash women the way they trash guys. It's just nobody pays attention to the broads.

They don't. Do you think if a guy mutilated a woman in any shape or form that four guys on a pregame NFL show would be laughing about it? And we'll hear more of that talk a little bit later as well. Sharon Osborn was the guest and she goes... Somebody asked, do you think the guy deserved it? And she goes, well, it depends on what he did. I think I would have just depending on why she cut it off.

I mean, it does depend on the reasons why. Does it? Yo, yeah. Yeah, it's time to... It's just one reason. I'll think of one. You know, I mean, that thought is totally overlaps the thought of those morons in the Middle East who cut women's clits off.

You know, it's fucking medieval thought and it's just considered silly. I don't know what it is. I don't know, but it maintains what I've always fucking said that women will do to you exactly what they don't want you to do to them if you let them. And I think why so many guys are miserable in marriages is they get married too fucking young before they really know how to stick up for themselves in a relationship.

And that's why before you know it, you're married and all your shit is either in the basement or the garage and she's barely touching it and you're wondering what the fuck happened to your life. You know? I don't know. The video is going to be up on themmpodcast.com. You know something?

This is actually, I like this, talking like this. This is very challenging to try and be funny with a late night DJ voice. All right, this next chunk of the podcast goes out to the ladies. Ladies, if you're out there in your single, hang in there. There's a date rapist on the horizon. Hey, what's going on? It is Bill Burr and this is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday.

I'm going to go with April 4th. I have no fucking idea what day it is because I'm doing something unique this week where people have asked me, saying, Bill, you know, every week, you know, you do your podcast. It's just you babbling. Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it isn't. Why don't you have a fucking guest on there every once in a while?

How about a comedian that people want to know about or already know about, want to hear his views on other shit? So this week, this is a very special episode of the Monday Morning Podcast where I will be doing it with the one and only Mark Marin. Mark, what's going on? Thank you for having me, Bill. I didn't realize that I was actually one of the first guests. You've never had a guest?

I've had Joe DeRosa who I do a show with once every, I think, leap year. We do an episode of this show, Uninformed. We used to do it on XM. It's a long fucking story. So you have to have him on because he lives in your apartment. Yeah, there you go. It's part of the contract. It's in his lease.

That's basically it. He lets me crash when I come back to New York to do Caroline's. He sees the mixer. I feel bad. I'm like, all right, grab a microphone. Here we go. But yeah, you're the first one outside of the family. You know what you are?

You're Tim Roth and Reservoir Dogs. You're the only one I'm not sure of. So I end up with a gut shot? Yeah. You're going to be laying there in the garage the whole fucking movie? You're going to tell me you're a cop or something towards the end of this? Oh, I'm not going to tell you that. I wish I had that biggest secret.

No, but basically, you know what the funny thing is, is if the audio sounds different, which means clearer this week is actually, this is how I have guests. This is the only way I do guests on the Monday morning podcast is if they already have microphones and a mixer. And then I, yeah, I invited Mark onto my podcast and I'm like, I got to rescue Pitbull. I don't want to get sued. So half hour into it. So I'm literally sitting in Mark's compound out here.

Yeah. And you brought your own equipment, which I thought was very polite. I just automatically assume we just jump on my mics. You don't think I'm a gentleman? No. I brought my own mixer. I brought my own mics. And then when we sit there and I'm sitting there with my little stupid fucking travel

radio show and I'm like, I got a mixer and all that. And then Mark's finally, well, you know, I kind of got that already set up. You want to use mine? All right. I got the travel bag. I got the bag right there for when I have to, you know, talk to people on the road in hotel rooms and make them feel awkward. Look, Mark, I'm not going to lie to you.

My relationship's on the rocks and I've officially moved in. You don't realize it. Oh my God. I'm fucking with you. I got my shit in the car. Okay. That's all right, buddy. If you can just sleep in here and if you know how to run a mixer, you could help me out.

There we go. Can I be your assistant? Yeah. Absolutely. A lot of people try to move up in this business. I'm going to try to go backwards. Can I ask you a question? Absolutely.

All right. So I'm in, I'm in Scotland for the Glasgow festival for five days and I'm playing pub basements. And I did my one man show to put in not in a pub basement, but in a pub attic and I see posters of you. Yeah. They're betting the big money on Bill Byrd. I talking to the promoter there.

He's like, does he have a big draw out here? She's like, I don't know. We're going to see how to go. Yeah. I drew like 200 and then they, they papered another 400 drunk Scots to get them in there at the, at the King's Theatre. But it went great. You know, hopefully, you know, I'll come back again.

I mean, how'd you feel? I loved it over there. I had, I actually, you know, I talked about on my podcast, I had a great time because I had a resentment of the, the Scots and of the UK in general only because the last time I went there, I had a bad experience and I, and I chose to blame them other than myself. What happened? Well, I was in, I was in Edinburgh for 30 days doing that fringe festival and I, you know, I was literally three months since my wife left me.

I was miserable. I was broken and I was on a double bill with Kirk Fox that we were brought out there, which is the best part of it because they paid for our lodging and everything else. Usually you have to pay for your own shit and I couldn't give it away. I mean, we were drawing audiences of nine and you know, after two weeks of that, you're like, holy crap. You want to kill yourself? Yeah.

It's like, it's like open mic every night. It's like doing a show in Denim. Yeah. It's like, it's like doing a show at a bar in Denim. You know what's funny, dude? That's why I never did Edinburgh. I always wanted to go over there, but it's a fucking month. Same thing with Australia.

There's some sort of Australia comedy festival and it's like, well, can I go there for 10 days? They're like, no, you got to be over here for 30 days and it's like, well, you know, well, the way they, what am I supposed to do with my fucking life back here? Yeah. You just, you put it on hold. You watch your dog and you hope your girlfriend doesn't run away. Yeah.

That's that tiger wood shit. I was talking about last week when I went off on his wife fucking these fucking women who they get like, uh, I don't get it where they had, they, they marry these rich fucking guys. Yeah. They don't have a job. Right. And then they have kids and they still get help.

They get like a fucking nanny. There's somebody clipping the hedges. They don't do. There's somebody clipping the kid. Yeah. Everything. Yeah. So I said, so it's jokingly just fucking around.

I'm saying the reason why he messed around on us because she's lazy. Oh yeah. Because that's very, I don't know about you, that's very unattractive, uh, quality, messy, lazy. Yeah. The same shit they don't like. Well, who knows? I mean, if you want to talk about entitlement, you know, I just found, you know, because

I've had to process this over and over again in terms of, in terms of what the whole spousal support thing. I mean, my wife did not, you know, she wrote a book, she didn't have a job or whatever. And then after it's done, you think you're equals, but then they're like, you know, I want support. I want this and they can exploit that. That's the saddest thing about fucking divorce is that it's set up so the woman can break you, no matter what.

And the reason that was put into place might have been in earnest. I mean, if you think about people, when they first put spousal support, I'm talking without kids, not alimony, spousal support. So granted, if you're married to a woman for 20 years and she's been doing nothing but making you feel better for your miserable life, and then all of a sudden it's done because you went and fucked somebody and did whatever and she's got to enter the world again with nothing. I understand.

You're over a little payment to get yourself started. But if you're married fucking 10 minutes and the chick is perfectly capable of doing whatever the fuck she needs to do to make a living, and then she still busts you and takes half your shit. Well, that's that shit where it's like when it's a good, when it's, when there's something good on the table, they're just as good as you and they're equals and they want their 50%. But when it's something bad, oh, I'm just the girl, I'm a kid, I'm a fucking kid.

And they get it coming and going because guys want to fuck them. That was worse. And that's why the judge, the judge, half the time when he's judging against you was thinking he's going to fucking get some action with your ex-wife. Maybe if I judge towards, he throws her a little look, a little wink, you're sitting there like, am I not fucking sitting here? Well, right. So I'm married to this woman, she's a comic, she's an equal.

I didn't say she's a cunt. I was like, wow, you're really going to fucking... Yo, yo, no, no, no, I mean, I'm not going to do that. Look, I will take my, I will own my shit there. I had an anger problem. You know, it took me a long time to learn that, you know, but I did learn that if you're an angry guy, that means you're probably with somebody married to or living with or involved in a relationship with someone who's a pain sponge that will absorb your bile and

bullshit until they can't take anymore and then they'll want to be wrung out by somebody else. But, you know, as an angry guy, I knew that what I learned is that, you know, when you're angry, you compensate for it in other ways, you know, like I used to make her breakfast, you know, espresso, waffles, pancakes, you know. No impediment. Is she softly weeped in the corner? That's right.

That's right. This will make up for it. You know, after, uh, after nine years, there's no number of pancakes or raisins. Shut the fuck up. Shut your fucking mouth. Well, listen, before we get too deep, why don't we, uh, why don't you back up here for a second? I know just because I've known you so long, you know, some of my listeners here cross

pollinate here, just so they know, you know, uh, how long you've been doing stand up or where you started out, uh, let's, let's get in a little, uh, stand up inside the actor studio. I think that the first time, uh, you know, I did stand up, I was in, uh, I was in college, you know, I did an open mic. I was in a team with another guy, uh, I met in college guy, Steve Brill, went on to do a big thing. You went on stage with, with, with another.

Yeah. Originally we put the, we put, I put my first stand up together, always wanted to do it, but I met this guy in college who, uh, we auditioned for something, catch a rising star at that time. It must have been 80, 83, 82, 83. And that's the one in Cambridge in Boston. No, no, this was the original one. That one didn't exist then.

It was the original catch a rising star that was still up on the Upper East Side in, uh, in New York City. The original catch. Near the green kitchen, right? Right. Okay. So, uh, so they posted all these signs around my college, uh, you know, uh, catch a rising star live on campus.

They were putting together a show, like a showcase of college acts, like new acts. So, so we put together this team bit and we auditioned for them, you know, in a room and they liked it. And then we, we, uh, auditioned for them, uh, what was, what was the name of it? Marin in something? I don't remember if we had a name. I think it was just Marin and Brill, uh, and, you know, it was a series of sketches. It wasn't even real team, it wasn't like team comedy.

It wasn't like a straight guy and a goofy guy. We actually had several different sketches that we did. I kind of remember them. The one sketch was, uh, you know, where the word, um, nigger came from. Oh, it's Jesus. You came right out of both barrels. Well, no, it was like, and I, you know, I hate to say that word even, you know, even in the context of, uh, of, uh, you know, casual conversation, even though I, because

I get in trouble for that once. When what? Well, I was trying to have a conversation about that word with a couple of black comics and I said the word as I just did now and, and a woman in my audience said, just the fact that you said it, I'm, I'm done with you. See, that's retarded. That's another word you're not supposed to fucking say. It's just how like you can't even like that.

That's when you're, uh, people who do stuff like that, it's like, they're not even listening to you. They just have lists of words like these words are good, these words are bad. There's no like, uh, right, but I can't negate the feelings that she had. I mean, you know, if that word, no matter what context it is, makes her horrendously upset, then there's nothing I can do about that. Whether it's right or wrong, I, you know, I can't, uh, account for her feelings. So we did that sketch, which was these two, uh, these two guys that were like, you know,

white guys who were working and they were trying to name the, you know, to figure out a nickname for the people and it was like diggers and it was stupid. And then we did another one. We did Neil Armstrong's, if Neil Armstrong were on the moon, the first moonwalk, if you were on acid. So my buddy played ground control and I play, and I was doing the bit where I was on the moon. I must have crushed.

Yeah. I would do well. And then we did another one that, uh, uh, a Japs funeral, like we did these two Jewish girls who were at a funeral of a friend, you know, and they're like, Oh my gosh, you look so thin. You know, that kind of shit. There you go. You kind of got everybody.

Yeah. Yeah. We knew. Blacks, Jews, and astronauts. Yeah. So what happens then is that, uh, we, uh, you know, they, we, we auditioned at the comedy connection. We go to do it live.

We've done it in a room. So we want to see you live and we bomb, bomb. It's just like a sucking silence. Now what do you think? So the, wait a minute. Wait. So the first time you ever did it on comedy stage, now I've always said the first time if, if I bomb the first time, I don't know if I would ever have the courage to go back

and do it again. Well, well that, that would see that's the difference between people that are, are, are hooked on it and people, you know, people who are born comics and people who are just, you know, dabbling. Is that like really if you bombed, you would have done it again. It would have, it would have taken me a minute. I would have had it been like the, just the sheer fucking embarrassment of, uh, because well, I mean, you can still, there's a deal with stand-up, but you can still eat it today.

I'm 18 years in, I can, I can bomb, but this is the thing. You have years of good shows to be like, well, you know, I know I don't suck at this. I had a bad night, but you know, right out of the gate. Oh yeah. The bad night thing is hard to really get around your head because it still hurts me if I bomb. You're up there and you know, you have this whole idea that, you know, uh, it's, it's never the audience is bullshit.

I mean, sometimes it's the audience, right? And you know, like you, you can tell, you know, you've done your shit and you can see where they're peeking laughter wise. And you know, after a certain point that you're not going to go any further than that. So I'm going to have to, I'm just going to have to realize this is the best I'm going to do in this situation and either eat it, you know, and take the hit or, or make light of the fact. Yeah.

I've learned like there's nothing worse than being angry on stage, but I heard, I actually heard a funny story last night. I was doing a gig in, uh, this, uh, this book or Jeff wills from the punch line. Yeah. Yeah. He was telling a story. He saw one night, uh, said Bill Hicks did an entire show with his back to the audience. It was like a bachelorette party.

There was every fucking thing you do. Yeah. Those, you know, those bookers, they love to talk about those stories, you know, but if anyone else did that now, they would never fucking work in that club again. All these guys pretend like, you know, like, uh, Bill Hicks was the guy and he went on stage and angrily tanked in a brilliant inspired way almost all the time. But if someone existed like that now, he wouldn't have a fucking shot. You think so?

Absolutely. Well, I bet, I bet he was still selling tickets at that point because you, you can't, you can't, you can't turn your back on a fucking crowd and, and everything that you're going to work. I don't think that's true. I think that the reason he got booked in this country primarily was to, to make club owners feel like they were, you know, they were at least championing something terrific. Really?

I think they innately knew this guy was special. There was no one like him. And even the fact that he didn't sell tickets or alienated the audience every time, they were going to have him twice a year to keep their conscience straight. Also they could be dicks to everybody else basically. Well, kind of, but just to sort of like to, to at least support, at least they knew well enough that he was an inspired guy. But I've gotten angry on stage.

I did it the other night too, and it would have been a long time because I used to snap all the time. I was going to say that's kind of an understatement coming from you. Yeah, but, but that's like me saying I've snapped. No, but I, but you know, I'm pretty accessible now. No, no. Yeah, you're way, you're way, uh, but I happened at the store, dude. It happened at this.

How long ago? Two nights ago. And I, I, I. You're doing this whole thing. Yeah, much better now. Much better now. But I snapped one time. What was it?

About 48 hours ago. I couldn't believe I did it. I was such a different person. But you know that place brings it out of you. Come on. The comedy store brings it out of you sometimes. That's what I love it though. Me too.

It's so fucking evil. So on one stage, it is evil. It is. It feeds on, on hate. You know, you feel the walls wanting you to lose it. You know, it's just in the place. So I'm on stage. There's like 40 people in the room and like, I'm already like, just right when I get in

there, you know, some kid, that kid, David Taylor, you know, that kid, he's a tall guy. He used to do comedy. He's very cynical and negative. And I just, I wasn't in the mood for it. I hadn't seen him in months. And then I said hi to him and he goes, I'm staying around just to see you. You better be good. And so right away I'm like, I haven't seen you in a fucking long time.

We have no right to fucking talk like that to me enough with a negative shit. You know, and I walked, I stormed off, getting angry again, I'm already angry for it. And I walk back and they make me feel really good about myself, by the way, because usually I sound like the angry psycho. I can be like the happy person. Yeah. Take a break. Yeah.

There you go. Go ahead. You go. All right. So, so I get on stage magical one on who I think is just terrific. I love Al. Oh yeah. I think he's fucking hilarious.

Totally original. Unique stylist, real storyteller. He does good. You know, and then he brings me up. I'm getting laughs. There's only like 30 or 40 people in the OR. And it's going fine. There's an old couple up front, you know, maybe in their mid 50s, early 60s, and they,

someone talked to them and they asked them about religion. I think Neil Brennan did. They said they were Jews. I'm like fine. So I'm doing my show and they're not laughing at nothing. And I looked at them and I said, I'm sorry, am I too filthy? You want me to talk some political stuff? You know, is that what it is?

And then the old man looks at me and goes, you're not funny. And I just had this moment where I'm like, all right, dude, all right. And I said, you know what? I am funny. I know I'm funny. I'm doing well with the rest of the audience. All right. And I understand what you're saying.

And then like for some reason, I just looked at him. I said, but the fact that that's what you had to pull out of your guts to say to me in this situation makes me fucking hate you. And there's no real punchline there. So now you lose the rest of the crowd. That's right. There's this quiet in the room. I'm like, what?

That wasn't funny. Now you turn on the rest of them. Right. Then I turn on the rest of them and then he goes, you know, you asked and I said, well, you could have qualified it. Like how about you're not funny to me all of a sudden, you're the god of this fucking room. You're the almighty.

You're the one that has the last word. Fuck that. Right. So then and then like, you want a bad move before you got there because you're a little because I got to say the reed of this guy saying you're not funny sounds to me like you said some shit that he didn't want to hear. It was more of a subject thing. No, I just it was a general thing.

So then I in the rest of the act, I'm doing my act and everyone's laughing every time everyone else laughed. I looked at him and I went, huh, huh? And then like, you know, at the end of my set, I'm bringing up Bren is easy and he stands up with his wife and they walk out and while I'm still on stage, bringing up Steve and I go, very powerful statement. Very powerful. I'll see you later, dad.

Oh, Jesus, Mark, because that's what I said to him. I said, you know, it's like every fucking Jewish guy that has that kind of judgment that's your age is just some surrogate for my father. And I understand I'm trans, I'm transposing some contempt on you, but you could have fucking chose a different way. All right. All right. Anyway, Mark Marin here on the Monday morning podcast.

Well, that's not funny. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just letting people know I'm acting in order that I just did there. I acted like this was a live show. I like it. You want to take some calls? Yeah. Like when it takes.

We're actually doing this on Easter Sunday and I Mark asked me what I want to do. I said, I will do it Sunday. And he goes, you do realize it's Easter. And I was like, yeah, I'm really not into that shit. But I actually went to church this morning with my girlfriend and her mom because her mom goes. So I went with her and dude, you should have heard the homily. The guy was up there.

The homily is basically after they tell one of those Jewish, right? Yeah. So after they tell like the little Jesus diddy, they have like an opener. Yeah. It tells a couple of little ones. Then the priest brings it home. Yeah. It's all dressed up.

The headliner comes in. Is it Catholic or Catholic? No kidding. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Raping kids, the whole thing. Oh yeah. How has anyone adhered to that religion after this?

You can't. I even was talking to some older people. They were saying the same thing. Like when the collection thing went around, I wanted to give money for the fucking car wash or whatever. But I'm thinking like, yeah, but isn't this going to go towards a defense attorney for somebody who diddle the fucking deaf kid? I'm not giving you any more money.

Sort that out first. That's right. I mean, and now it's like it's not an American thing. It's also in Europe and the numbers and this has been going on for generations. It's almost like it was a contest with these guys. It doesn't count if you do the same kid twice. I'm winning. You want to be a cardinal.

You got to diddle at least fucking three. I have a theory about it. I think I know why that there are so many gay or pedophile priests because I think that these communities going back hundreds of years, certainly in this country, and I imagine other countries that when a mother or a community saw that one of their male kids was going the way of the cock, they started to pick up that they were feminine. I mean, communities are stupid. No, no, no, no, no.

Wait, let me go this way. I know what you no, no. What I'm saying is that when they saw that happening, they muscled these kids into the priesthood. They said that as opposed to live a life of sin as a homosexual will probably go that way. Let's push them towards the priesthood. Now, and I'm not saying this will offset the dick Talking.

That's right. And I think what happens is that they couldn't do that in the priesthood. So I think a lot of them, you know, I'm not saying that they're homosexual. I know that they're pedophiles, but I think that the guilt compounded with the idea that they may have been homosexual, and then that actually made them more evil, because then they would prey upon these kids that couldn't say anything that, you know, they could terrify and completely control with this horrendous urge they have. I gotta be honest with you.

I have no idea because it fascinates me because like, um, I think there's a lot of people out there, they confuse, uh, being gay with being a pedophile because it is a guy and a boy. It's completely different because it's like, all right, you know, you could stick me in that place and say that I can't hook up with anybody. And I'm still not going to fuck a little girl. You know what I mean? But I think that they that's absolutely true.

But I'm saying that I bet you a lot of them were probably on the on the on the train. If they weren't abused by priests themselves on the train, that's the thing about those guys is what they've 16,000. It's like, not only you ruin, you ruin someone's life the second you do that, that childhood is fucking over. You ruin them. You blow a hole in their soul. It's over.

And then this is the thing. And then they go on to have kids. And even if they even if they don't do anything to them, it's just a detachment, you generations. And you're talking 16,000 people like that old pro commercial. They have five kids. They have five kids. They're all affected by that. Oh, absolutely.

And you know what? They're all troubled and lost. So there are more candidates for the, for, for the church. Yeah. Or they become comedians. That's right. They're actually creating new lost people in hopes that they will come back to the Catholic church.

Yeah. So I think this, this priest because of mandated a ball of that shit was kind of open this week. This priest, I guess this guy's kind of like, he's like the, the, the, instead of the comics comic, this guy's like the priest, priest like the back of the room. Yeah. Yeah. The deacons in the back.

This guy's great. This guy's great. Nobody. He like, he's actually admitted that he actually thought about leaving the priesthood for a while. He didn't say why, but today during his homily, when he's surmising the Jesus story, he said something. He goes, you know, um, a lot of people look at this religion, you know, look at our religion like we do.

We say the, uh, the, the, the wafer is the body of Christ and the wine is his blood. And they think that's nonsense. A lot of people think that because we think that Jesus dwells in all of us, that that's nonsense. And he kept going, kept talking about major cornerstones of religion and people thinking it was nonsense. And I was sitting there going, oh my God, this is like the fucking Domino's pizza moment where they finally admit that their pizza sucks.

Remember that? Yeah. Dude, I think I fucked up. We're not recording. No, we are recording, but I thought, I think this is why we should have used it. Hang on. Hang on. Okay, we're okay.

We're okay. We're okay. Yeah. There was a little jump there. I apologize. I think we're okay. I thought I had the metric completely freaked on me. We just actually literally for the first time in the two and a half years of the Monday

morning podcast, it came, it stopped. It never stops. It's a live, it's a live goddamn show. I just wanted to make sure that wasn't it. Oh yeah. He thought he thought the metronome was on. That would be bad. My bad.

My bad. Yeah. So he was basically Christ. And he's sitting there. He's having like the Domino's pizza moment. You know, they, they admit that their pizza sucked after all these years and then they still try to put out a fucking large pizza for five bucks. What do you think it's gonna taste like idiots?

But he somehow spun it around where it was, it was the close. You know what he's doing? He's actually telling the truth, the way he can tell the truth without having it be a national scandal. Just going, I can't explain the way he did. The guy, he's fucking good. I gotta admit it. I gotta admit it.

David Tell was a priest. Yeah. He got you. I was like, this guy, this guy is good. And I got into it this week with like, I used to do this, this, this section on, on the podcast called Oh Jesus. And I would talk about a religion and, you know, for the most part, you know, I was saying that they, they, I don't know, I can't even get into it.

But every once in a while, people listen to the old podcast where I was kind of trash and organized religion and they come at me and they drive me fucking nuts because they, they just make grand statements. Like you're like, like I said, you know, I went to like, I went to church for the first time in 15 years, like a month, like two months ago, right? And when I went, it was like, I didn't like what they were saying, but there was a feeling I had. I liked the sense of community.

And then what they do is they go, yeah, feeling you were feeling that was Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They own that fucking feeling. So then I'm sitting there going like talking about their fucking stories that don't even make sense. Adam and Eve, forget about how, you know, their kids would then have to fuck and then we'd be all descendants of retarded children, right? They, they, they don't even address the dinosaurs.

I'm like, what about the dinosaurs and all that? Never address that. They always just, they never, when the emails back and forth, they will never address the fucking points you make. They just spin it all off into others. It's okay. Jesus is waiting for you and all this type of shit. And it just, it drives me fucking nuts.

And then I show them where science, like this is what I can't stand. They'll attack scientists and say what they're saying is wrong until they can't fucking deny it anymore. Like the fact that the, that the sun doesn't go around the earth and after they've tortured and killed fucking people, then what they do is then they embrace it and then they act like it's theirs. And then they're like, well, who made the scientist? Jesus made the scientists.

And it's like, it's just a spin thing and they just hold onto their beliefs until it becomes irrefutable. And then they, it's sort of like those people like, well, how I, what I always saw it was fascinating is that these cults, you remember years ago, there was more of them where you'd have this cult where the leader would say, the world is going to end on this date tomorrow's the day. And they get these, these followers frothing mad and like ready, prepared, they're underground, they're in bunkers, they're going to go, they're all strapped in.

And then the day comes and it passes and it doesn't happen. I would love to be at that sermon because then it's sort of like, well, you know, it doesn't mean it's not going to happen. And now that we've got all this underground infrastructure, He's testing us. That's right. He's testing us. Let's start a mushroom farm.

Let's use this. Yeah. Now that we're in the basement, I just don't understand how they rebut that. I'll tell you why, because you got people are so fucking stupid. They're stupid. That's true. Yeah. You got it.

But you're seeing that now, even outside of religion, even in politics, that because there's so much information out there, people, here's, here's what really fascinates me is they will believe what they believe and you can't shake their beliefs even with facts because now, because there's so much information because the internet, they can just go, well, that's your version. That's the spin. The truth. Yeah.

The facts are the spin and that they, you know, that you can believe that, but you're wrong. No, dude. It drives me. It drives me nuts. And then I'll just, like, at one point, I want to go like, you guys have persecuted science. Like, basically, my theory is that science is religion for intelligent people, forward

thinking people, and religion is science for morons because whatever they can't explain, they just invent fucking bushes talking to people and albatrosses or whatever the fuck they have. Conspiracy theory is the same way. And this is what they ended up saying. She ends up writing back, well, actually, science has proven the Bible correct over and over again. So I'm like, okay, what's the, where's the follow up statement to support that?

Nothing. Yeah. There's nothing. There's nothing. There's no follow up statement whatsoever. Is they just, they, they, they, they, like, I can actually sit here and prove to you that the fucking earth goes around the sun because of scientists. I'm too fucking stupid to prove it, but it actually on paper makes sense.

None of this shit can be proven on paper. And then when, when you show stuff that can be proven on paper that disproves their shit, then they do that shit. Well, God created the scientist. He created the paper that they wrote it. Yeah. They just sort of short circuit. I actually find, I tapped out in that moment.

I was like, you know what? I get it now. No matter what I say are going to believe what you're going to say, and I'm never going to convince you of the way that I think so fuck it. So I'm done with it. Believe is a funny thing. I'm done with it. Yeah.

You can't, you can't go to it. There's no reason to go to war with those people because belief is impenetrable. No matter how delusional they are, it's based in complete ignorance and it's something, it's something outside of, of intelligence. Yeah. But this is what I don't care because I bought into it when I was a kid. Well, you were scared. And I was, I was listening to us scared and then also thinking like, all right, and some

of this is good. It's my fucking house. It's like my life. Some of it was good. Some of it was bad. But then it just got to a point where it's like, this shit doesn't make sense and it's so loud in your head. You can't ignore it.

And I don't understand. I, that's a real fucking arrogant statement. I'm going to say only you got to be a moron to just continue to, to, to, to, to block it out. Well, that's the difference between free thinking and thinking based in fear. You know, because like the way it works in my mind is, look, the world is a scary place. Everything is, is serendipitous. Who the hell knows when you're going to get hit by a truck?

Who knows when the earth is going to fall into the sea or start shaking? No one knows anything. There's very little, there's very few things we have control over in our life. It just is. I mean, you know, this, this garage could slide down the hill at any set. Who the hell knows? Very few things out of our, are in our control. Almost nothing.

Right. How frightening that is, even if you understand everything in, in, uh, uh, you know, proportionately like, you know, the, the possibility of this happening versus that having, even if you're scientific about the, how, how, how, how much fate has to do with our everyday life. That is not completely comforting. So depending on how overwhelmed you are, right, I taught, I, yeah. So I believe on some level, the need to believe or feel like you're part of something bigger than you, to, to sort of justify your existence or make you feel comfortable in the world

is probably almost genetic. I just feel that, that the way communities function or whatever, but you know, you can make it your community, you can make it your television, you can make it sports, whatever the hell it is. There's part of our brain that wants to be part of a bigger thing in order to feel that we're significant. I think you just go in the ground and I'm comfortable with that because I'm not going to exist. That's a whole different thing.

I'm not going to exist. I'm not going to exist. I'm just, I'm going to be. Right. You're going to be able to grow unbelievable potatoes with my Irish DNA in the soil. But I think that the people that whose wives are so fucking miserable that they can't even fathom it. As opposed to us, happy, go lucky, sons of bitches.

Well, we've got a lot to be grateful for. We do. Doesn't mean we appreciate it. That's true. That's true. But, but there, I think there's some people that can't handle it and, and the idea of heaven to them, which I agree with you is ridiculous and, and frankly boring. I mean, the idea that we live forever, I, you know, I can barely get through this one.

And, and, and the, and the idea that, and the idea that like it's going to be better because of the fucking boredom. Oh my God. And it doesn't even make sense. Like if, if it's absolute fucking euphoria forever, it would get boring. Oh my God. It would get boring. And that's like, at some point you'd be like, can I get a day past a hell?

I want to fucking have a good time. They'd be the hell would be like Vegas in heaven. Tijuana. Where are you going? I'm going to hell for three weeks. I got some time off from this tedious fucking happy bullshit that I want to be able to feel happiness again. Let me on fire for fucking three weeks so I can appreciate this.

You got to go. Have you been to the fifth ring? Awesome. Awesome. Oh, it's great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We went there, the wife and I went. It was tremendous. They had great performers. You know, all the comics went to hell. So they're all there. You got to go to the fifth ring. It's tremendous. Great shows.

Great show. Only the hacks, not even the hacks. You can see Houdini there. It's amazing. Dude, speaking of that, you know, I did a, like, I did a theater, uh, was it the San Jose Improv recently and, uh, he allegedly performed there and all these guys. It was fun. It was a classic old theater.

Yeah. That had, had gone through that hundred year of history of like the most beautiful thing ever and people flocked right in an opulent place and then slowly deteriorated to like a porn, porno movie and people jerking off and somebody like Jackie Wenassis put some money together and they fucking revive it. It's got a colorful history of corruption and filth. Oh yeah. Great.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Just like show business should. Yeah. The Gibson Ampitheater last night for, uh, that Kevin and Bean show, uh, radio show out of this cancer. I remember when, uh, Bean was in, uh, what was the name of the comedy team, Stephen Bean and Chris Zito and Bean from Boston.

Is that right? Yeah. Fuck. I didn't know that. Yeah. Chris Bean or Steve. Chris Zito. I always heard about it.

Yeah. Those guys used to kill. That's that. That's them. Okay. Jew up, Jew up, Jew up, Jew up, Jew up. They used to open with, I'm a Jew. He's a wop.

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was he. All right. Yeah. That was the fucking eighties, man. That was before, uh, when, when, when did you start?

Well, getting back to me, uh, after I did the team thing, I was more thinking how Jew wop a dude, wop a dude would actually get a laugh. Well, no, no. I ignored to think that shit. We were talking about the, at the other night, we were looking at a particular committee and going, you know, if it was the fucking eighties, this guy would be famous by now because it just seemed everybody back then completely subjective. If you have like, if you had any sort of a character, the glasses you're wearing, if

you always wore those on stage, if you did three, three evening at the impromptu. That's the guy with the glasses. Yeah. But you can't even get a pair of glasses. It doesn't look like this now. Believe me, I don't want to surrender to the horn rims, but you really, you really have to, you know, struggle and fight to find something different right now. The Buddy Hollies?

They're everywhere. I mean, some version of them. I used to wear round glasses. Remember? And, uh, and I can't find them. You know, it's funny about you. Yeah. You got that whole rock star look.

So when you wore the round ones, you had the John Lennon look and now, now you're looking a little Buddy Holly in the crickets. That's all right. I'd rather be Peggy Sue than, uh, than, uh, no, that's not true. They're both good. I'm not going to take anything away from John Lennon. But speaking of the eighties, just quickly, because I feel like I left it hanging is that after I did the team thing, you know, he graduated and went on to direct Adam Sandler movies.

I, you know, I wrote a whatever Steve Brill did. But I stayed in Boston and I started on my own. I started, uh, played against Sam's in the basement doing open mics with Kenny Rodgers and everybody else. My last year of college, I was doing open mics that summer and I drank myself almost to death and was waiting, you know, all night long to have those stories when you bring up Kenny. Yeah.

Well, I, I mean, I'm not with him, but I used to just wait. I mean, back then you had to wait to go on till everyone else was done for three people. I couldn't take it. And then when I graduated college and moved to Hollywood, I became a doorman at the comedy store. I was there for a year and then I hit the wall on drugs and I went back to Boston started over. Oh, wait a minute.

Let's do the, uh, behind the music here. Mark Marin. A lot of people know that story already. No, you don't want to put it out there again. Oh, no, I don't care. But I, I mean, people who know me know it. Why I came out to, after I graduated college, I already had a pretty good, uh, Coke monkey on my back.

So I drove out here. I moved in. I was in Culver City living with Steve. Just out of curiosity, did you start before the ad campaign cocaine, the big lie? Oh, of course I started. I started when the ad campaign was a Coke. It's good for you. Yeah.

Yeah. It was no more addicted than a caffeine. Good times. So I come out here and I move into a place in Culver City with Steve Brill, that guy. We wrote a screenplay and then I never wanted to talk to him again because we're, is unbearable. And then I auditioned at the store, uh, to, you know, to, to see if I could start doing comedy. And Mitzi said, you're funny.

You can be a doorman. So, uh, so I immediately moved into Crest Hill and I was a doorman in 1987, you know, when Kenison was, uh, was just starting to come to break. And I met. Wow. You suck. Carl was Sam's best friend and he, uh, he gave me a watch and said, you're good people. When Sam comes back, I want you to meet him and you don't know the story.

No. I'll tell it to you. So, uh, you can fly through it. I can tell you sick of telling. No, no, I'm not. I haven't done it that much. And certainly people on your podcast might not know it, the people that don't listen to both of ours.

Yeah. But they know, they know Sam Kenison. Oh, of course. Sam's one of my favorites. This is a selfish fucking moment. I want to hear it. It's a great story. All right.

Uh, so like, I, you know, I didn't really know that much about Kenison when I got there. I'd seen him once or twice, but I really dismissed him as this novelty act, you know, this screaming guy. And I, I, I wasn't here nor there with him. So when Carl said, I'll meet, I'll introduce you to Sam. I didn't know what that meant. So Sam comes and, you know, and Carl's like, does that guy is talking to you? He's talking about it.

He's the new head doorman. And Sam was like, I was a doorman. So you're, you're the new guy, you know, I'm like, yeah, and he's like, yeah, we should hang out and talk. And I'm like, all right. So, so I'm living in Crestill. So he knows that place too, right? So the first night I ever hang out with Sam Kenison, you know, he comes up to Crestill,

which is that house Mitzi used to own, and I'm staying there, you know, and guys used to live there. A lot of people. So that, yeah, that's that classic house. Just a lot of listeners know when comics like you would move out to LA, if, if Mitzi tapped you on the shoulder and knighted you, you then moved into this house, right? Where you had to pay rent and also drive the fucking Jeep and take, you know, get her chicken salad.

Yeah, totally. Totally. But like the amount of comedians who live there. Oh yeah. Dice with there. The Todd with there. Tamayo. Who used to date Sam was a Japanese comic.

I don't know what happened to her, but she lived upstairs. You know, I lived in Dice's old room. Todd wasn't moved in yet. I'm trying to think who Todd Lemesh, he, he later went on to have, he used to call himself the Todd and he eventually had some sort of aneurysm and, and you know, showed up at the club saying, you know, years after Sam died saying Sam's coming and you know, he was sent to Florida. But I, but it's that's a super live there for a while.

See that place is evil. Yeah. Oh, definitely. Definitely. So I went up there and, and Sam says, you know, let's go up to the house. You know, and this is the way it worked back then is Monday night in the late 80s was no cover night and all the rooms were free. So all the freaks from Hollywood and everywhere came to the store on Monday night and that

was Sam's night. He would show up at about 1130, 12 o'clock on Monday, take over the stage in the main room, which was just filled with rock and roll drug freaks and just say, this is like hair metal. Hair metal. All different kinds. Yeah. Hair metal, the end of towards the end of hair metal.

So like, you know, the people that would come to the club were, it was pretty spectacular. You know, and I was a doorman and at that time, the people you'd see on stage were people like Dice, Damon Wayans, Kenison, prior was still coming by occasionally Christ, you know. So I was just, I just entered this world, right? So Sam says, let's hang out. So we go up to the house. It's just me and Sam were doing coke.

He pulls out all this coke and we're just sitting there and he's like, you're the new guy, you know, I'm doing this and he's looking right in my face. He's like, look me in the eyes, Marin. I like a man who can look me in the eyes and I'm like, holy shit. All right, I'm looking. Right. So we're sitting there doing coke and I thought I was Mr. Rock and Roll. I can handle coke.

So I'm doing coke with Sam and he's laying out the world, you know, as Sam, you know, he's doing the thing. Like, you know, I'll tell you how it works here, Marin, you know. And then like, you know, I had to know where he goes, Hey, Marin, you ever, you ever burn money? And I'm like, no. And he's like, let's burn some money. So Sam pulls out these hundred dollar bills and we start burning money at Sam's.

I'm figuring fuck it. Yeah. Okay. So we're sitting there burning money and we're getting fucked up and it's about three thirty four in the morning. And we're at a Coke and Sam's wasted and I'm kind of wasting. He's like, when are you out of money too? No, he shouldn't have done that to me because I called that back later and he wasn't that

happy about it. I mean, I made him do it like the way this, I'll tell you what happens. This is the first night. So he's like, we're out of coke. Let's go get some more coke. And I'm like, all right. I don't know where we're going. So we get in my car.

I'm driving like pretty much one of the biggest stars in comedy through the Hollywood Hills at like three thirty in the fucking morning. He's half passed out in my car. Like and I'm driving like, where are we going? Where are we going? He like, he like wakes up and he goes, I don't even know you. You could kill me. And I'm like, where are we going, dude?

So we end up at this guy's house. At this point, is he stopped being Sam Kinnison and has become some annoying guy that you're partying with? No, he was really good at staying in Sam. He's still Sam. Okay. Even when he was like swapping, you know, when it got pathetic, he's still held on to that thing.

And it was always sort of menacing. He ever burned money, dude. I started to fucking late in this business. All the fun was gone. So we get to this guy's house. This guy, who as time went on, I grew to know was a hairdresser by day, but was Sam's coke dealer at the time. And it was down on Crescent Heights, it wasn't that far from the store.

So we knock on this door. This guy shows up at the door in his bathroom, clearly woke him up from sleeping. I got Sam. He's like, we need some coke. And we barrel into this guy's house and we're in this guy's bedroom and Sam just sits on the floor, crashes on the floor, he goes, you got any booze? And this guy was like, I just got these miniatures I got in the plane. So now Sam is sitting there with these like Smirnoff bottles of vodka, drinking these

Smirnoff. He looked like a giant. Like he should have been surrounded by little rock and roll people going Sam. And then like, you know, he passes out on this guy's floor and you know, the guy gives me the coke, you know, I end up paying for it. And then I go, is there an Asian guy throwing fireworks in the background? There should have been. So I'm like, well, I don't know what the hell to tell you.

I'm going to take off. He'll deal with him. He's like, you're not fucking leaving him here. I don't want him to pull a Belushi on me. And I'm like, what? And I'm like, oh, fuck. So now I got to like, you know, get him up and walk him out and throw him in the car. And he was big and I get him back to the house.

We go in. He doesn't even do the coke. He ends up crawling on the floor in the living room, just laying on the floor and passing out, which is something he did a lot because that house became the party house. Was he draped in the scarves and 12 fucking head wraps? Not yet. I mean, this is early Sam. So it was still just a trench coat and a cap, dude.

This is pre-rock and roll, Sam. Geez. I don't have any story that can match this. I'm riveted. Well, the story, the falling out was the better story. I mean, because like that year. Well, how does that night end? He just passes out.

He passes out and then, you know, he wakes up and then, you know, we build this bond. I get sucked into the Kenneson entourage and I'm now like, you know, doing my graduate work and cutting coke for Sam Kenneson. And it was my job at that point to organize the party like Sam would do this every Monday night. And I was like, you know, I don't know what to do with taxing because I knew he was coming. And what would happen is he'd show up and the fucking party would start and like he'd show up at the store.

He'd give me a couple hundred bucks and I'd go buy all the booze and cigarettes and mixers that everyone needed to bring up to the house. So I would get into this pattern. After a while, I knew how long the party could go on for. It could go on for two or three days. I thought you 15 years. I didn't, I had no idea you did this stuff. Yeah.

So like, so I used to, you know, get this shit. So I'd go buy all this booze, but I know what would happen is that he'd show up with 20 people and then come day two or three, it'd just be me and Sam and some freaks. Like you know, it ended up like eight people. So I would hide liquor all around the house. Now are you up for the three days or is it that hard for? How the fuck did you write any jokes? Well, I was only working in the belly room and you know, we were all in the, we were

on the, in the comedy store school in the Sam school, which is like, you know, you lived your life as hard as possible and you got up there and you fucking did the work. Well, did other newer comedians resent you that you, you got into the Sam? No, because like at that time, you know, it was like, who the fuck would want to be in that entourage? I mean, at that time, you know, the guy who used to be Mitzi's assistant was like, you know, he used to call us the Manson family because, you know, Sam was like this weird charismatic freak that dwelled in the underworld.

And most of the comics there were, you know, were sort of like, you know, just working comics. I mean, he was one of a kind. That's what always blew my mind. If I could just stop this for just half a second was where did guys like Seinfeld fit in? Cause he was around during that time. Like I just can't imagine like that universe where there was like that level of party and what he would just come in.

But he was singular in that, you know, he, he, you know, he, uh, you know, he celebrated it. I mean, there's a lot of comics, as you know, and as we all know, that had their abuse and substance of problems, but, you know, they were trying to hide it and just do their job. There were plenty of hacky comics that were fucked up on drugs, but the fact that Sam had to live the life as the beast, like I'm the beast. He had to honor it. So he was the first one that was shameless about it.

And then you'd see all these other comics that you, I don't need to drop names or mention names where they'd come around and, you know, they'd hang out and do some blow, but they wouldn't want to be tagged with it. You know, there was a lot of guys that would hang out and do coke and be like, you know, don't tell nobody. You know, I mean, I saw a lot of that. I mean, there were certain people that would come up and party with us and we weren't allowed to do drugs.

Like one time Ted Nugent was hanging around and Sam was like, no drugs because Ted's clean. So we had to sit there and all behave ourselves for the three hours that Nugent sat there and talked to Sam. Right. Well, Sam used to hold court at this house. So I'd go out and stock up the place and set up the party and then he'd come up with all his freaks.

And then it just, a lot of times it would end up just me and him and two or three people. And eventually I started to lose my mind and I wasn't progressing as a comic. I was losing a lot of weight. I was sleep deprived. I was driving poor fuckers to the airport in Mitzies when they had to go play the dunes because that was part of my job to work at the store was to drive the guys to the airport. I remember one time I was driving Mendoza and Campanera to the Burbank airport because they had to go play the comedy store that was at the dunes at that time.

And I'd been up all night and there was no gas and I could have killed those fucking guys. Jesus Christ. So what ultimately started to happen, I started to lose my mind. You get too sleep deprived, too much drugs. You start to hear voices. Yeah. You start hearing voices in your head.

And you're a conspiracy guy. I had a mystical conspiracy organized around Sam and Hollywood and how I used to do this bit about how I thought I was special. I didn't think it was a sickness because when you hear voices in your head, it's never one, it's always many and you spend a lot of time trying to get them to pick a fucking leader. Someone's got something to say. Step to the front of the head.

I need instructions. So I'm losing my mind. And thank fucking God, the shit hit the fan. Ultimately after almost a year of this, living like this, Sam had... Every week for a year, you were up for three days straight. Yeah, unless I got out, unless I went out. Now two days, but you'd have to take breaks. He'd go on the road.

It wasn't that steady, but it was part of a cycle because even when he was gone, we were all hopped up. He'd do weird shit. One time, there was this chick, I remember one night at the table, there was some girl sitting at the table. You never knew who showed up there. And I started to get that creepy feeling like someone's going to die and it might be me because there was just too much weirdness going on up there.

And I remember one night, some chick was at the table and she had a bandaged wrist. And I didn't know when she was all wasted. So I said, why is your wrist bandaged? And she goes, well, I tried to kill myself and I said, well, why didn't you do the other wrist? And she goes, because I didn't want to fuck up my watch. And I'm like, what? And then she goes, I just remember, so she goes into the other room and passes out and

a couple hours later, a sparky comes out to me and goes, I think Sam pissed on that girl. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And she was laying in Todd's bed and there was piss all over the place. And Sam had this weird thing where occasionally he'd piss on things. It was just, he was weird. So she's really killing my Sam, killing us. All right, go ahead. Well, here's the story, though.

I didn't know he did the drugs. I just don't need to know the peeing. Well, this is the punch line of the story. And I apologize if people have heard this story, but it is sort of comedy lore that interests you. Okay. There used to be this guy that hung around the comedy store. He was a Satanist.

His name was Dave London. And I should fictionalize his name. His name was Dave. I don't know. Whatever. It's too late. Whatever. So this guy had like a pentagram tattoo.

I like how you said his whole name and then he goes, I'm going to fictionalize it. And he just said just his real first name. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm just trying to help out. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or get myself in trouble. So this guy had a pentagram tattooed on his heart. He had 666 on his arm. He had the mark of the Illuminati on the other arm.

He looked like Christopher Walk and he was a dope fiend and he used to hang around the store and we couldn't get rid of him. You know how the story is. The taxi is fucking people and they're there. Well, because there's no, there's just that open hallway where people just, there's no questions. It's a psychic drain for fucking dark, weird people. It's a home.

Right. It's for the people who don't fit in, fit in at the store, which is why I love it so much. But this guy used to hang around and Sam hated him. I never knew really why. So one night, a couple of nights, I can't remember if it was a couple of days before his HBO special premiered. He brought all his guitars and shit.

He played guitar up to the house and we had this big jam session out on the patio. It was great. Sam brought him up with the Satanist. Sam did. I'm just setting up the story and he took off and I'd put all the equipment in my bedroom because Sam didn't want to take it home. So a couple of nights after that, we have a party at the house. Sam's up there and this guy, Dave, the Satanist shows up and we're all doing drugs and it's

getting weird and they're sitting at the table and everyone, he's holding court. Sam is and Dave's there and a few other people. And Dave, the Satanist says, you know, like they're getting into it about Satanism. Like, you know, it's like the beast versus the mini beast. It was ridiculous. And Dave goes, I'm going to tell Anton LeVe about you. You're not a real Satanist. And Sam just like stands up and this was a common tactic he used in fighting.

He stands up. He throws a drink in this guy's face and pops him. Oh, that's good. That's like the old throw salt in the guy's mouth. Is it sand? Yeah. And there's a fight and there's a scuffle and then, you know, and then I'm like, you know, I break it up and Dave's all fucked up and all the other people in the room are

freaked out and Dave, the Satanist, his shirts all ripped up and I'm like, you got to get out of here, man. You just got to get out of here. You got to get out of his face. He's like, I'm not fucking leaving. Fuck that. And I'm like, well, I got to leave because I got to pick up a buddy of mine at the airport. I don't know what the hell to do with you.

So I lock him in my room, all right? I lock him in my room with the guitars. That sounded like a good idea to me, right? So I have to leave because my buddy's flying in and I told him I'd been hanging out with Sam and this guy. And you're high right now. Of course. So I got to go pick my buddy up at the airport and I'd been telling him all about Sam, you

know, and this guy was in Boston and he's like, you know, I used to do coke with him too and he was excited to come out. So I pick him up at the airport. We go to his hotel and I'm like, I want to stay out of there. I don't want to go back tonight. I'm going to crash at the hotel. So I crash at the hotel, all right? And then we drive back to the house, you know, me and my buddy in the morning, all right?

And we walk in and it's like, you know, I walk into my room and it's been, you know, the door had been kicked in, the bed's all fucked up. All the equipment's gone. I'm like, oh fuck, what happened? Now walk into the living room and there's Sam sitting with two or three other people, a weird mix of people and they've been at it all night. You know, and I walk in and I'm with my friend and I'm like, this is my buddy Bill and Sam just sitting there.

He goes, Marin, I pissed on your bed. You want to know why? And I go, yeah, I do want to know why, Sam. He goes, because you let that idiot sleep with my guitars. And then apparently I turned to my friend Bill and I said, I told you I knew him. That was the last time I ever slept in that bed and then that was, did the guy fuck up his guitars and everything like that? No, he didn't do anything.

Sam just had his fucking freak out. You know, it's manic, psychotic, cocaine freak. I don't know what the hell transpired, but I never, I knew him. I never slept in that bed again and a couple of days later I snapped at the store and lost my shit and I packed up everything. I went up to the coke dealer who was not the hairdresser at this point. It was this Palestinian dude who was kind of scary. I said, don't get it, man.

I'm kicked out of the group, man. What the fuck am I going to do? And the coke dealer said, you got to get out of here, man. You got to start your own thing. And when the drug dealer is telling you to leave, you got to leave. So I pack up my car. I gave away everything. You need to go find Jesus, son.

Pack up my car and I think I'm hearing voices and I leave. I leave. I call my brother in Tucson. I said, I'm fucked up. I'm coming to stay with you for a few days until I get straight and then I got to go clean up. Jesus Christ, you sound like Slash. He's fucking unbelievable.

I was 21 years old too. I was 21 years old. Can I just pause for one second? All you guys who know and listen to this podcast a lot and I talk about my early days of stand up, I swear to God, Mark. When I started stand up in Boston, Massachusetts. I started there too. Well, the amount of headliners, I would say like 65% of the headliners that I worked with

in my first three years, their opening line to their set was, so been sober for six months. Everybody was in fucking AA. Everybody had cleaned up and half of those guys were, what's your gum dude on the mic there? Half of those guys were like, their wages were getting garnished by the IRS because they were making like four grand. I know those guys like Sweeney and, you know. Yeah, I don't want to name names here.

That's one of the things on the podcast. We don't name names. I forgot to tell you that shit. So they basically, yeah, like these guys had fucking, you know, they'd been making four grand cash every fucking weekend for 10 years and didn't pay a diamond taxes. And then all of them basically couldn't leave Massachusetts unless they got a written note from the IRS. Or some shit.

So by the time I came in, the rebellious thing to do was to go on stage sober. Or if it was kind of, or I should even say rebellious, it was the norm. So when I came in and the guys I started out with, and I'll mention names here just because I'm not saying anything bad, but I started up with Dane and Patrice and like those guys just didn't drink. And I came from like me and my friends, we were a bunch of booze bags. And when I came in, they didn't drink and I saw how fucked up these guys were, you know, who messed up.

Yeah. And, you know, and some of them had some regret, not all of them, but some of them, I should have done that shit. So I immediately equated with, oh, getting fucked up is stupid. And so I started my whole career. I started off, you know, work totally clean. And I was, and I was totally sober. And then fucking this year, I had to actually go on the wagon for like two and a half months.

I don't know what happened. Touring. Touring did it to me. No, it breaks you down. You know, I mean, I always wanted to be that. I mean, I, you know, before I got to LA, I always wanted to be, you know, I, all my heroes were fucked up. We were fucked up.

You know, all my heroes, all, you know, all the comics, you know, everyone I respected. Why is it so romantic that that whole fucking, because I'm sitting there, because I'm sitting there going like, even as fucked up as that story is, I'm sitting there like feeling like I'm like show business light because I don't have any stories of being up for fucking three days. And I'm old enough to know I don't want those fucking stories, but you just don't want to have a boring autobiography. You know, when you do that, when the comedians, when you finally hit and they give you the

book deal and you got to have your head on your hand, like my take on life. The truth of the matter is, is that, you know, it doesn't help you and you, you know, and if you stay doing that, it will kill you. There's no way around it that night. But you want to have a couple of fucking stories. That's a great story. Oh, there's another story. When I was hanging out with Sam Tommy Lee, I'm going to AA meetings just to fucking listen

to. Yeah. Oh, he should. Tommy Lee. I mean, I've been sober over 10 years. Over 10 years. Anything. No, I, you know, I got, I got straight, got into the program, you know, you know, learned

how to rewire my brain. I've done nothing. I'm a sober guy. 10 years. Yeah. But, you know, whatever. Yeah. But you know what?

You're a cool sober guy because I didn't even know that about you. I mentioned to somebody last night at the gig going, yeah, you know, I was, I, you know, I didn't drink for two and a half months and then I went to England. I was like, I got to try these beers and beers and now I'm like bummed when I go three fucking days and I was like, fuck, I was up to like 75. And then all of a sudden he just got real seriously because you want to get sober? Like really like looking into my soul and like, Jesus Christ, dude, no, I'm not like that.

No, the only question is, is like, look, you know, I don't care what anyone does, you know, and I certainly appreciate the process of drinking and boozing and doing drugs. I loved it. But you know, it really just comes down to if you get to that point, the only time you need to get sober really is if you all of a sudden, you know, try to stop and you can't or your life becomes unmanageable. That's it. You know, and then that's when you need help.

That's it. All right. Well, this is where I'm at. I'm stuck. I have stopped and done, you know, but like, I don't want to stop. It's not that I can't. I like it. Like last night I'm sitting there doing the gig.

It was a place I always wanted to perform at. I fucking destroyed. I even yelled out a Blues Brothers line. Yeah. That John Belushi said on stage and no one got it, but I did it for me. I just had a fucking great time, you know, and afterwards I got this big ice chest of fucking Heineken's just staring at me. And I didn't drink one because I knew that, you know, I didn't want one.

I wanted wanted to drink all of them and then stuff my face into the ice when I was done. So I, I, I like it the way I like cookies. I want to eat the whole fucking bag. All right. So then you know what that's called? What's that? Alcoholism. No, it isn't.

No kidding. No, don't tell me that. I'm in denial. I'm not an alcoholic. No, no, no, no. Look, the bottom line is you can do it however you want. You know, it's like a lot of people, you have to understand something about people in the program is that most of them, you know, who are especially gung-ho about it, it saved

their fucking life and it does every fucking day. That's it. You know, and it's, you know, that's really interesting. So now I'll be more forgiving of somebody who, you know, they're like fanatics of any kind, but they're not trying to push Jesus on you. I mean, part of the program is really it's based on helping other alcoholics. So they actually, when they do that, it's, it's in a way, you know, you know, in terms of the way the program works, it's helping them.

You see, it teaches pathologically self-centered people who can't control themselves to behave like, like regular people by helping other people in a very specific way. So you know, that's it. You know, I mean, it's not, usually they don't, it's not a hard line thing and no one's ever going to come up to you like an adventure. You know, you know why I've actually really though monitored my drinkings because I'm so fucking vain. I like the, the, the, my face looks a lot better.

When you drink? When I don't. Oh, because you. When I, I don't. Because it doesn't upload it. Whatever you want. And then, you know, the thing is, it's like, if it's not destroying your life, so be it. And if you want to go up and down and quit here and there, and if it's not destroying

your life, that's it. Yeah. Like after I go do this, my Easter dinner is going to be, I'm going to go to some buddy's house and we're going to watch the Red Sox Yankees. It's great. Now how to fuck? No, no, no, but no one's telling you not to. The thing is, it really comes down to, in, in, in, in light of what you're talking about,

if you've tried to stop with all your heart over and over again, because you want to stop drinking. Oh, but you can't. And you can't. It's something to be addressed. If you want to take a break, but you like to drink, but it's not ruining your life. And you're just a weird kind of controlling guy in your mind. And you're like, fuck, I had two months, you know, but if it's not a plague, fuck it.

This is, this is what's killing me. I had a buddy of mine, uh, he, he quit for a minute. And I swear to God, like, he's one of these guys who quit. I'm like, dude, what the fuck are you quitting for? You don't have a problem. Okay. This guy quit for like, maybe 17 days. And I think he lost about 30 pounds.

And I was like, Jesus Christ. Oh yeah. He was a fucking booze and, and he looked great. Yeah. He used to, you know, he looked like, he looked like an Oscar, but that's, he used to say, shit, he execs. I can't wait to hit him with that one. If you, if you knew this guy, he looked literally like his body, the silhouette of an Oscar.

And, uh, and then one day call me up and say, ah, you know, I started drinking and I realized I didn't have a problem. I just was drinking too much and blah, blah. So now he's back on to drinking. Okay. I saw him again and dude, he looked like fucking hell. He looked like he got run over by a bus man. Tricky business.

It's a tricky shit man. Yeah. Like he just look, uh, he, you know what he looked like when he, he stopped drinking for three weeks. You know those fucking shows where they do a makeover. Yeah. We're going to give you a new hip haircut. We're going to give you a shiny shirt and all of a sudden you come walking in.

Yeah. And then all of a sudden the women start paying that's, that's what he looked like. He came down to the club and my girlfriend was like, Jesus, look at you. Wow. And there's the thing about him. He didn't even go to the fucking gym. He just stopped drinking. Yeah.

So, uh, that is the one aspect of it is my face looked better and then one girl told me that my skin looked great. Yeah. So that's, you know, I'm so fucking insecure and so fucking vain. I'm like, I can't drink my, my skin's looking great right now. Yeah. Oh yeah. I, I'm with you on that.

I mean, I used to talk, I talk about it a lot, you know, in the sense on stage and how it is. I mean, like I said, it's just, I'm, I'm happy I lived through it because there's, there's periods there, you know, whatever anyone thinks, you know, either that's your life and that's the lifestyle you want to live, or, or you're going to make a drastic change or you just deal with the ups and downs of it. But I used to say when I got sober, I used to say, you know, the great thing about sobriety is how clearly you can see your disappointment, you know, and the thing I was joking about

is how fucking long a year is when you're sober. It's like, I remember every second of this, other than when I was sleeping, it's like, it was like February. I was like, I can't believe it's not May yet. It's just fucking insane. I like that though. You know, as I get older, I'd much rather time just drip by than rush by. That's brutal.

I don't even know what happened those last fucking decade. Well, I think, I think we're getting closer. What are we up to there on your computer? How many minutes? I don't know. I don't know. We have no idea. No.

It's 3.20. What time did we start? About 2.15? Yeah. We might be a little bit over an hour. You want to do it? Yeah. Well, let me, let me, let me, let me give a chance here.

You listen to Mark Maron and just for the future when I do these interviews. So it's always uncomfortable given other comedians compliments where we were such self-loathing people. But I think, seriously, Mark, for my, for my money, you've always been one of the, one of the fucking best comics in the country. So if Mark is coming to your area, definitely go see him. He's, he does not pander to the audience. He says what the fuck he wants to say.

I think you're fucking awesome. And every comic from here on out, if they're on my show, they fit that bill. I don't know if they'll be able to follow your stories, but every once in a while we're going to do this on the podcast. I'm going to have a comedian that I really admire and I admired your work for a long time. So how about let me know some of the gigs or my listeners know where you're going to be?

You got anything coming up? Well, yeah, this week I'm going to be in Tempe, Arizona at the Madcap theaters. You can go to madcaptheaters.com. That's this weekend. If you're dropping this today, this is Monday. And I'll be with Eddie Pepitone, madcaptheaters.com Friday and Saturday. I'll be at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland, Portland, Oregon. And then in April, the end of April, I'll be at comics in New York with Garofalo.

Oh, that's a huge show. Good deal, man. And also Hype Your Podcast. Podcast WTF with Mark Marin. You can get it WTFpod.com or you can just go to iTunes and look up WTF and there's a Bill Burr episode on there and a lot of your favorite comics on there. All of them are on there. Well, there you go, man.

All right. That's been the Monday Morning Podcast, a very special Monday Morning Podcast from the Mark Marin Bunker out here in LA. Hope you guys all had a nice Easter and enjoy your week.