Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-6-17

Episode Date: April 7, 2017

Bill rambles about applesauce money, ball tapping and robot visitors.

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie, in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you.

I'm just checking in on you. Sorry, I'm just checking in on you to see how your week's going. A little half hour checking in. How you doing? Are you doing okay? Fan fucking tastic. You know what's funny? I'm always a day late and a dollar short to shit. So I fucking got a YouTube page now. We're doing all this animation and fucking hiring people to do stuff, trying to get this fucking thing going. So someday I won't even have to leave my house. All I got to do is just sit here rambling about crazy shit as I slip into fucking senility. And I'll still be able to eat my applesauce. I'll still be able to pay for some fucking applesauce. All right. That is what the old age is all about.

You don't leave your house, but checks are still coming in. You got a cupboard full of fucking applesauce. Once you open them, you put them in the fridge, even though it hurts your teeth. Because you got a fucking nerve involvement in all your fucking teeth. You go back to eating the same shit you used to eat as a baby. It's like applesauce is Gerber food for fucking old people. So you got that. What else do you have? You mix a little mayonnaise in there. Anything you don't have to fucking chew.

So I'm getting the YouTube page going. And then you know what these fucking constant YouTube do now? I can't even tell you. They got this thing where they decide if what the fuck happened on your thing is a little too offensive. Like they fucking decide and then you don't get any of the ad money. And I'm like, but the ad's still there. Who gets the money? YouTube keeps it. Fucking unbelievable. I'll tell you right fucking now. The number one commandment broken. I'm telling you, it's stealing. And there's more stealing that goes on on the legal side of business. Everybody's always making fucking Scorsese. He's always doing that, you know, if I could fuck you forever, whatever that fucking song is. I could go from rags to riches. That's what the hell it is, right? All that good fella shit.

Fuck you pay me. Fuck you pay me. All of that. Like that doesn't exist in the legal world. It's even fucking worse and it's more overt. That is just straight up fucking stealing. So I don't know what I'm going to do with the YouTube page. I'm actually thinking, why don't I just move it to my fucking website, right? I'll reach out to fucking Mila. Mila High Life. You want to fucking just be on all my videos and I'll just do it on my page. And I can do say whatever the fuck I want and not worry about somebody taking my fucking retirement applesauce money. It's not like I'm making any fucking money anyways. You got to have like a billion hits, I think, to make $7. Well, you know, you got to curate. I mean, is there talking to you here like a cash machine going off in the fucking background? Whatever. Who gives a shit?

All right, you know what? I'm actually in a great mood here. I'm in a great mood and despite that highway robbery. YouTube, you should call it your tube. It's your fucking bullshit. You're keeping all the fucking money, you cunts. Who gives a shit, right? At the end of the fucking day. Well, obviously you do, Bill. You wouldn't have brought it up. I don't fucking mind. Just fuck me over. Why can't you just fuck me over? Why can't you just come out and just say, listen, we're going to fuck you over? Why do you got to lie? Why do you got to sit there and act like you're not going to do it and then you turn around and you do it? That's what upsets me. It's not that you're doing it. It's that you said you weren't going to do it. All right, anyways, Brad Marchand suspended for two games for stabbing Jake Dodson in the balls.

So he got one game for each ball. Each ball that he fucking stabbed him in. And it makes sense. You know, a lot of people like, well, why didn't Sidney Crosby? Because what Sidney did, don't you see, is he turned his fucking stick sideways and he gave him a little tap, a little tap of the ball bag. Like the same level that when, you know, the doctor, you go to get a physical, he has you cross your legs and, you know, he hits you and your knee goes up, right? Just like that. He was just testing the guy's reflexes. So he gets no suspension or a penalty. You know, plus he has those big pouty lips and everybody feels bad for him. That's the genius of Sidney Crosby. Sidney Crosby has a look on his face. You know, like right before you make your girlfriend cry. And then you're like, oh my God, she's going to cry. So you just abandon your argument. Like that's what his face looks like. So I think that's why he's able to get away with what he gets away with. Plus, you know, he's a superstar and he makes everybody a ton of money. So Brad Marshawn, you know, you live by the sword, you die by the sword. I remember Brandon Pross fucking stabbed him in the nuts when we were playing Vancouver a couple of years ago.

And then what's funny is to listen to Jack Edwards when he sees Marshawn, he's such a fucking homer. He's just sitting to go, oh, look at all that is blatantly out of the rules. That is a delicious video for the boys in New York. Hope you enjoy your day off. Talking about definitely a suspension. And then Marshawn, way, you know, fucking just, I mean, he uppercutted this dude's nuts. His stick was not on the flat side like he was giving it a backhander, you know, he did an uppercut with the stick to the guy's taint and ball area. And like, you know, your wife tells you to shovel the driveway and you're already pissed at you. You know how hard you throw those first two fucking scoops of snow over your shoulder. That's how hard he hit this guy in the fucking nuts. And I got to tell you, as a Bruins fan, I thought I was like, oh my God, he just fucked us over because he just got kicked out of the game. I think it was still zero to zero against the Tampa Bay Lightning. And we were waiting to, you know, see if we were going to make the playoffs and like, oh my God, he just got right at the end of the first period. I'm like, he's going to get kicked out. That's going to fucking, you know, give Tampa a little jump in their game. They're going to win this fucking game.

He's going to be out for the rest of the season. And, and then we're going to, you know, I catastrophize in my head. What if we fucking, you know, don't make the playoffs because of that playoff? But fortunately we ended up winning. I think four to one or four to nothing. And if we beat Ottawa tonight, we can actually, you know, we at the very least are going to be a wild card. But I mean, I don't, obviously I don't feel like playing fucking the capitals right now. They're looking like world beaters, but eventually you will have to play. But it'd be nice to maybe have a chance to win a playoff series. We'll see how we do though. You never know. All tenders can get, they get hot at the right time of year. There's no telling how far you could go in these Stanley Cup playoffs. I feel like for me, I just feel that that's actually become part of my vocabulary now because every time Nia watches those fucking reality shows, people always go for me or to me. I just feel and now I've done it so much. Now I'm doing it. So I am officially Bill Kardashian right now.

All right, I'm not thinking about transitioning. I'm not going to die. What's left of my fucking, I got my head shaved now. My beard, I'm not going to die fucking jet black, you know, but like a Kardashian, I did marry an African American. So I feel like I'm halfway there. I think I could actually say that I'm one of their cousins. I don't know. Oh, I see a Photoshop coming. Anyways, to get back to the hockey. So yeah, so we're in the playoffs for the first time in three fucking years. So it's great to be in there and hopefully we'll beat Ottawa tonight. And I bet Marshawn cost himself a little bit of fucking money there. You know, I would think in his contract that he gets a bonus if he gets 40 goals and the man was sitting on 39. We're going to play Ottawa tonight. Forget about the rest of the game that he could have played in Tampa playing Ottawa tonight. And according to the puck off podcast hosted by Joe Bartnick on the all things comedy network, he said that Ottawa's got a lot of injuries in their defense. Who knows who knows. So I guess what you take away from all of that is that if you're in the NHL, if you're going to fucking hit somebody's ball bag, you do it with the flat side of the stick.

All right, you get yourself, you know, some collagen injections into your lips like a Kardashian. I don't know. Maybe they did it. I don't know. You know, so you look like you're about ready to cry like Cindy Crosby and you will not get suspended. All right. But I actually heard Crosby that I fucking slash somebody and almost took the end of his fucking like the guys end of the guys finger was hanging off. You know, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that guy, he's going to have a there's not really like any of the goons anymore. They used to have like that. That's like players like Crosby used to just have like security. Like back in the day in like the 80s, like the fucking tough guys back in the 80s were like they did everything but just have like blue blazers on in earpieces standing next to the goal scores. If you went anywhere near them, they fucking murder you. And I'm trying to think of who the penguins have. Penguins never really had a goon. They had a bunch of fucking kneebreakers. They were really into like, well, we're not going to fight you. We're just going to end your career.

Blow out your fucking knee, bored you and that type of shit. Filthy, filthy fucking franchise. But you know, the penguin is a dirty bird. Isn't it sort of the pigeon of the Antarctic? Isn't it? Did you guys hear they're building some luxury condos down there? Luxury condos in Antarctica. You know, the people in Silicon Valley, they don't know where else to spend their money. They already bought up San Francisco. They're starting to come down here to LA and for a summer place because San Francisco is so fucking cold that the next thing that they're going to do, they're going to be down in Antarctica. You can look it up. It's true. Luxury condos in Antarctica and LA to Antarctica. They're going to have the first direct flight in July. All of that is true. I'm not making this up at all because I have a half hour to fill up here and I'm only 10 minutes in. I would never do that to you guys. All right, let's talk about, oh, Billy Beefcake here. All right, fucking Dad, Bod, Magoo, who after his European run last summer was up to a fucking 190 pounds.

And then I kind of started working out, getting ready for my special. I got down like a buck 78, finished the special. Are they really specials anymore now that there's one coming out every week? It was just sort of Bill talks for an hour. I think since my special came out in January, there's been 97 other hour long specials. I think there's been out one out every day. Anyway, so I, I got down to a buck 78 79 ish. And, and then I was just like, all right, now I'm waiting to become a dad. You know, my wife was in the third trimester, so I'm going to try and mess them. So I'm going to fucking blame her a little bit. Even though I was just drinking too much of anything. So I got up to like a back up to like a buck 85 buck 86. So now last week, I got myself down to 180 pounds this week. I wanted to lose at least two pounds. All right, the weigh in is tomorrow, but I'll just start doing them on Thursday. So I wanted to get down to 178, maybe 177 got on the scale today.

One 77.6. All right, so I am. I got one day on a film coming up. Oh, aren't you fancy bill? Yes, I am. I got one day on a film. So ultimately, you know, I need to be to not get too much shit on Twitter about being a big booze headed fucking bald headed red cunt. You know, which always fucking happens. All these fucking actresses fucking bitch moment complaining like the internet is only mean to them. I swear to God, fucking self involves lunatics, right? I got to get down to like my fight and which usually about a buck 72 on camera. If I walk around a buck 75, you know, if you just see me coming down the street. I mean, I look radiant. Okay, you're going to look at me like Jesus, Bill. Are you expecting? Look at that. Look on your face. I'm fucking with you, but I got to get but on camera. I got to be down to a buck 72. All right, and every fucking actor knows what fucking weight you got to be at.

So, you know, and you'll all get all you just gauge it on social media feedback because you're just going to get a ton of shit the second you go a little power. Dude, you looked like Vince Vaughn and the end of fucking the breakup. You know, that was my favorite part of that fucking movie. I love that fucking movie. I loved how Vince did the fucking he had the not in a relationship fucking, you know, out there crushing ass. And then when he was in the relationship, he had that extra 10 to 15, you know, the Netflix wait, let's sit here and you know, make some mac and cheese and play footsie. I don't want to ruin the end of the movie, but that's one of the best, you know, and that was a chick flick to because it was about a relationship. And that's one of my favorite things about it was it played out in a real way right down to the, you know, when he's not in a relationship, he's fucking, you know, he's at his fighting weight, you know, I'm trying to attract somebody to fuck me again. Okay, you were a layup. So I had my layup extra 15 on. Right. That's what I'm trying to lose right now. Oh, Billy layup wait. So I'm down to 177 point six. So next week, the official weigh in is on Friday, but I'll do them on Thursday just to give just to add a little excitement in your life because I'm so self involved that I feel like you guys actually give a shit to do it with me.

Lose two pounds this week, at least if not three. So I want to be down to about a buck 74 by Friday and next week. And then we shoot the following week so I could actually be down to 173. You know, if I puke behind a dumpster, you know, take the old fucking, you know, you know what route, I guess you can't even say you can't even say believe me without people freaking out unless you're like it's one of the worst of these. You can't even use it as a comedy reference. Are you allowed to are you allowed to say, you know, use that as a reference like I'll go if I have to, if I have to I will make myself fucking yak for fucking a day to get down to the buck 72 to deliver my line and a half on this movie. Bill Burr, King of the line and a half, you got a line and a half that you need to fucking be delivered by a tertiary character that I use that word correctly. I am your fucking man. I will show up on time in shape ready to fucking work. I'll show up at my fighting weight of 172. I will deliver that line. I'll even give you a look. All right. If you give me like a special and special appearance by Bill Burr and the opening credits, whatever the fuck that's called, I will actually throw in, I'll give you, I'll give you the rock, you know, with one of my invisible eyebrows that you can't really see. Yeah, anyway, so I'm going to get down to that. I'm going to get down to hopefully like a buck, whatever. 70, whatever. Look at me. I sound like the fucking Rayman, but that's the only way to do it. And eventually I'd like to get down to about a buck 68. Okay. And then not do what I always do to be like, Oh, I'm a buck 68.

You know, who wants some fucking cookies? Let's get a fucking 12 pack, you know, and then I just I slowly but surely go right back up. And I have to make a lifestyle change. I just feel like for me, I'm going to be a lot happier if I cut out gluten and I still don't know what gluten is. It's some sort of chemical that's in wheat, I believe. And evidently, it's not good for you, even though wheat is from the earth. But you know, there are poisonous plants or is gluten like some shit that some fucking nerds made for psychopaths that have food companies that adds to the density or some shit and somehow they make more money. Is that what it is? They're always looking to do that shit. You know what I mean? You can't fucking satisfy him. These fucking lunatic, these fucking guys, the men at the top of these corporations, you know what they're like? They're like a bunch of fucking brats. You know what I mean? Like no matter what they have, they're never fucking happy. You know, you got straight hair. Now you want curly hair. Now you want short hair. Now you want to wear crop top. Now you want to fucking, you know, have clam diggers on. I don't know what the fucking issue is. Can you just put on a fucking pair of sweatpants and just sit down for five fucking minutes? You know how hard my wife would be laughing at this shit right now? Because I'm the one who, I fucking, this is supposed to be my relaxed energy right now and I'm still talking too fast. Whenever I listen back to my podcast, I'm like, why, why do I talk so fast? I thought, I thought I talked a lot slower. I need to have like cocktail party energy.

No, even a cocktail party, you got to yell. You got to yell over people, right? I don't know. Cocktail party. Just call it what it is. We're getting away from our kids to get shitfaced for a few hours. All right. And somebody's going to try to dominate the conversation. Somebody's going to fucking bring up politics. Someone's going to get too drunk. Then there's going to be a fucking argument and there's going to be apologies afterwards. Why doesn't everybody just pick a fucking corner of the room? Okay, stare at the carpet and just, just start drinking. Okay, that's it. Why else are we here? Is this some swingers party? We're going to trade off here? Like what is going on? I don't, Maggie, I don't give a shit about your worldview. You don't hold public office. You do not have access to top secret documents in the Pentagon. So at the end of the day, what am I doing here? Aren't I really listening to like a nurse trying to tell me how to fix a car? Isn't that kind of the same thing? Would you like to hear what I think about fucking the Middle East? Of course you wouldn't. Well, I'll write that. Finish your fucking drink. Anyways, what else is going on this weekend? Oh, I'm going to be in San Antonio for not one show, for two, two shows at the Majestic Theater.

Oh my God, it's so majestic. They added a second show. I'm going to be doing some morning radio tomorrow to hype that second show. I'm doing not one show. I'm doing two shows like Brad Marchand. I'm not going to fucking stab you in one ball. I'm stabbing you in two. I'm not going to get suspended for one game. I'm going to do one show for every game Brad Marchand was suspended. Okay, was unfairly targeted because he, in a moment of emotion, he used the shoveling the snow fucking technique and he did not have the Sidney Crosby pouty lips for when he went to the board in New York. I think that's what Crosby does, you know, he just, he doesn't even have to go to New York. They just fucking put him on Skype. And he just sits there like, hi guys, I'm sorry. You know, it's just having a bad period. Oh, isn't it amazing how much I could talk without even knowing what the fuck. I didn't know what I'm talking about here. Hey, do you guys want to know how to change a shitty diaper properly? Are there any parents out there? Here's one to grow on. Here's one of my, here's a tip for you. All right.

What happens is, is when you have a little baby, say the word, say the goddamn fucking word, you're going to be okay. If you have a baby and you're breastfeeding it as opposed to giving it formula, I'm staying away from that shit. I just, I don't like that fucking name formula. That fucking name alone, I'm not giving my baby formula. You know, I would just picture like one of those Frankenstein movies with the graduated cylinder and the dry ice smoke coming out of the top of it. So anyway, so they, yeah, they got a liquid diet going on. So when, you know, when the fucking back door comes off the hinges, as they say, you know, this is the deal. The second you hear the fucking, you know, the rumblings and the grumblings, what you got to do is you got to get your kid not horizontal. You got to have them upright. All right. Now this is the problem. When you take them down to the changing table, when you lay them back down again, okay, and you're taking off the ones that you got to elevate them a little bit, you know, as they say, shit runs downhill. Okay. So what you want to do is you want to use gravity as a favor. It's a two person job. If you're going to save that fucking onesie. All right. What you got to do is you have to have the baby fucking standing up on the changing table. All right.

The other person undoes the onesie lifts the onesie up over the fucking diaper, and then you take the diaper off like you're taking the transmission out of a car that's up on a lift. All right. Then you use gravity. Everything drops down. I'm trying to be as not graphic as humanly possible. Okay. Then, you know, then you begin the fucking the restoration because I'm telling you right now, if you're home alone. All right. And you lay that kid down. Then what shit runs downhill. Now what's on the onesie. You got to take it off. You got to go over the kid's fucking head. And now you got shit on the fucking. I'm sorry. This is what it is. I don't want to put shit on the kid's head. I tell you, it's a rough one, you know, so fortunately, if that fucking happens, if somebody else around, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get that graphic. But you know, people who are parents, I'm telling you just one person holds it up, you undo the onesie, you drop the diaper out like a fucking transmission, you know, do a little cleanup, then you fucking set the kid down. And you finish the fucking cleanup. Bam, a new diaper. Actually, you don't even do that. You usually we just bring her into the fucking shower and start all over again with a brand new squeaky clean fucking kid.

And there you go. There's a little parent. That's my first unsolicited parental advice. Okay. I just felt like for me, I just felt like it needed to be said. Is anybody watching that reality show black ink? My wife watches it all the time. There is a woman on there that makes my temper look like a fucking summer breeze. Good Lord, does she lose her fucking shit? It's like she's possessed. I actually just literally have to walk out of the room, but you know, I keep forgetting this show. I started to watch. I watched the first three episodes and I absolutely fucking loved it. And I tweeted about it. It was a cartoon from Japan. I guess they're called anime, which I did know that, but I didn't realize it was such a divisive thing to say that you like to show that was anime. I feel like is anime like the emo of fucking cartoons?

Like I tweeted that I like this show called one punch man. All right. And the fucking responses that I got, I got, dude, are you fucking drunk? Oh my God, you're into anime. And then other people just like, this is like the greatest day ever. I just liked the show. I've watched enough for the same type of shit and I was scrolling through and I was like, what the fuck is this show? And I looked and it had five stars, four and a half, five stars, which is why I really hope Netflix doesn't go to thumbs up, thumbs down. Like I said, because it's so fucking, you know, stubbing your toe, thumbs down, Adolf Hitler, thumbs down. I mean, the thumbs down is just, there's a big gap between Hitler and, you know, stubbing your fucking toe. Anyway, so I put this thing on and what I loved about the show, aside from the fact that I really thought it was funny,

that you actually kind of got like a sense of what young people feel like in Japan as far as their view of going into the corporate world was very similar to the empty feeling, unless you're a fucking sociopath over here. I found like a very like common thread to that. And to basically give the overall thing, the superhero in it, he's not a soup. He doesn't want to be a superhero. All right. And he fucking trained really hard because he wanted to be the strongest guy in the world. And in his training, he lost all his hair, which is hilarious and he's really self conscious about it. But he ended up developing like this punch. And no matter what monster he runs into, he doesn't give a shit whether they kill him. He's just completely devoid of any like passion or emotion, like what happens to you when you get shoved into a fucking cubicle.

And he's got this one punch and he just fucking can punch so hard that no matter how fucking badass the monster is, he gives him one. Somebody said they should have called the show the right there, Fred. He gives him the fucking bam in the fucking in the face, as Eddie Murphy says in the face and their fucking head explodes. And the monsters that he fights, you also get more of an insight into where people's heads are at in Japan. And it was like, you know, one of the monsters he fought with some giant virus sent here by the earth to get rid of all the humans because of what we've done to the planet. So there was environmental thing. Then my favorite one was this guy was crab man. He was half like up top.

He was all a crab and then the bottom he was he was half a guy and he was in but the bottom half he's in his bare feet and tidy whiteies. And the guy's like, oh, I ate so much crab meat that I became a fucking crab. And to me, he represented the upper 1% corporate guys, you know, on some power lunch, just eating all the fucking sushi and just take, take, take, take, take nothing spiritual about him. So he gave him the old right there, Fred. And then he fought this fucking lady and she had command of all the mosquitoes and she'd sick the mosquitoes on everybody suck all the blood out of you and all your fucking energy and then it would make her stronger. And to me, it's like, oh, this is a gold digging blood sucking whore. 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:47,000 And then when she got it to do it to all the animals and everybody there, she didn't need the mosquitoes anymore.

She told all the mosquitoes to go fuck themselves. And I'm like, slash, this is also somebody who becomes successful and forgets where they come from. And they look at everybody where they used to be is like a bunch of fucking peons, a bunch of little insignificant little mosquitoes. 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:03,000 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:08,000 You can just get high and watch this bald head of dude fucking punch half a crab in the head and watch it explode. I enjoyed it. All right, let's do a little fucking advertising here before I wrap up and I talk about MotoGP and the F1 Chinese Grand Prix and my glutes.

All right, Luke, great everybody. Give me the loot. Are you on a quest for an epic gear, housewares and collectibles? Oh, do you have a one punch man t-shirt? This is finally going to fucking make sense to me. Loot Crate has it. The best surprise you know is coming. Loot Crate offers an epic range of pop culture items for less than $20 a month.

If you're more of a fanatical fashionista than try loot wear monthly wearables and accessories with cult classics and your favorite franchises. If you want to get fancy, get a bigger box with even bigger loot with Loot Crate DX. Want to geek out your pet? Try loot pets. Offer expires April 19th at 9 p.m. Pacific. For April, join us as we salute one of our favorite mystery solvers with items from Stranger Things, Batman, the X-Files and Marvel's Jessica Jones. Dude, get some one man punch shit in there. One lucky subscriber.

We'll also win a mega crate including signed copies of Jessica Jones. Alias volumes one through four. Oh, Jessica Jones alias volumes one through four. I might as well be reading a different language. I have no idea what any of this shit is other than Stranger Things. And I know Batman. And I used to know this chick named Jessica. You have until the 19th at 9 p.m. Pacific.

You just said this to subscribe and receive that month's crate. And when the cutoff happens, that's it. It's over. Go to lootcrate.com slash burn and enter my code burp. B-U-R-R to save $3 off any new subscription today. All right, here we go. How many of these fucking things I got to read? All right, lift everybody.

L to the motherfucking Y-F-T. You know about lift, right? Walk down here. It's the app that gets you a ride in minutes. On demand 24-7 for less than the cost of a cab. Please include all of the falling points during your read. It takes too long. I'm not.

If you tried lift, you know what I mean. With lift, you just download the app, request a driver, and they show up in three and a half minutes on average. That's really fast. Unless there's a fucking guy chasing you with an ax, and that probably takes forever. Every lift driver is fully vetted through their 10-point safety standard, including criminal and DMV background checks.

You know you'll get around quickly and safely other than that. Other one, huh? That rhymes with moober. Lift drivers are rated after every ride, so they only the best stick around. You don't have to worry about getting into a filthy car with some creepy dude. With lift, you can tip in the app,

which obviously leads to happier drivers. I mean 9 out of 10 lift rides get a perfect 5-star rating from the passenger. It's just a better all-around experience. Bigger isn't always better. Lift isn't the biggest ride-sharing app, but it's the fastest growing and the highest rated one. I'm talking about quality over quantity.

Thanks to lift, it's an easy way to avoid drunk driving. You never have to bum a ride. You never have to worry about parking. A lot of people are actually getting rid of their cars and relying on lift to get around, and you know what? I don't blame them, evidently.

Right now, lift is offering our listeners a special offer deal. Get three rides, up to $10 each. There's up to a $30 fucking dollar value when you enter promo code Bill Burr. People don't want to listen to this fucking law. That's promo code Bill Burr. Enter promo code Bill Burr. Cut to the fucking chase.

21 to less. Alright, Helix everybody. It's a one-punch fucking reference. Alright, Helix, I don't know. You're unique. You're a special little snowflake. Take a bath and reconnect with yourself. You don't walk like anyone else,

talk like anyone else, or sleep like anyone else. So why is your mattress one size fits all? I don't know, because there's an average height of a human being. Because a truly customized mattress is five to 10,000 bucks. Ooh, I didn't know that.

Until now. Go to helixhelixsleep.com, answer a few simple questions, and they'll run a 3D biomechanical model of your body. Through their proprietary algorithms, they've developed with the help of the world's leading ergonomics and biomechanics experts.

The results, there's a fucking robot that looks like you walking around blowing Donald Trump. And eventually they get rid of you. But in the meantime, you're sleeping in movement and overall sleep quality. How do you tell? How do you tell?

I guess when you wake up in the morning, how much better you feel? And for customers, you know what happens is when you're sleeping, right? When you're going to do the survey, that robot that they made of you comes in and fucking jerks you off while you're sleeping and you wake up

like, oh my God, I'm so fucking relaxed. And then once you give the approval rating, that robot leaves. That's it. So anyway, everyone from GQ magazine, 00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:50,000 Helix Sleep Helix. You have 100 nights to try it out

and if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for free and give you 100% refund. No questions asked. Go to helixsleep.com slash burr and get $50 off your order. That's helixsleep.com slash burr, helixsleep.com

slash burr. All right, lastly, but not leastly. Oh, this is great. I'm trying to lose weight. You want to have cash, high quality ingredients and make a real difference. So it's important to know where your food comes from. Talk about your personal,

I'm going to do this in the corporate world. Talk about your personal experience with the weight. Dimmil, you'll cook the ingredients of law how it tastes and how it's not cooked. If you don't do this, we will not give you any fucking money. This is my experience. Every time I read it, I want to try it.

I've never done it. They sent me a gift card. I used the gift card, and at some point some quinoa will show up wrapped in a blue apron. That's my experience. Additional points featured as desired. Feature as desired.

Oh, I like this. I get choices here. For less than $10 per person per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. Choose from a variety of new set recipes each week or let Blue Apron's culinary team surprise you.

Recipes are not repeated within a year, so you'll never get bored. Customize your fucking recipes each week based on your preferences. Blue Apron has several delivery options, so you can choose the one that fits your needs. Maybe you can have your fucking Helix robot show up and give you your goddamn couscous.

And there's no weekly commitment, so you get deliveries whenever you want them. Each meal comes with step-by-step. They'll show you how to cook it. You're going to have it done in 40 minutes or less. They're fucking healthy. You're going to get your abs. People will be able to see your abs. Everybody has abs.

All right, check out to watch your robot just running out the door. Did I just dream that? Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash burr. You will love how good it feels and taste

to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron, so do not wait unless you want to. That's blueapron.com slash burr. Blue Apron, Blue Apron, a better way to cook. That's the only way to deliver that line. That's where they have the comma. You have to pause.

That's old-school advertising. You can't say, Blue Apron, a better way to cook. You've got to be like, Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Okay, Bill, on this take, on this take, could you discover the word Blue Apron? Like, ooh, I didn't know that was there.

Yeah, I could do that. Can I give you three different reads? Yeah, that would be great. Okay, here we go. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Blue Apron, a better way to cook.

How was that? That was great, Bill, we got it. Okay, we'll see you next week. All right, thank you. Yeah, hang on a second, Bill. This is Susan Blumstein, colleague. Anyways, let me get back to, sorry. I was just giving you guys a little behind-the-scenes

on voiceovers. Did you like that? Did you feel like you were there? MotoGP race. I believe it's in Argentina. It's somewhere down south. Oh, yeah, I'm all shook up. No, further south than that.

Oh, it's going a little samba action. Who the fuck am I getting texts from right now? Oh my God. I don't remember that person in a minute. All right, anyways, MotoGP and then the Chinese Grand Prix. This is a very great weekend before the NFL and NBA playoff start.

If you would like to watch some alternative sports. Sports that are not as big as the big four here in the United States of America. Who's kidding who? Our country matters the most. Therefore, our sports matter the most. All right.

People know our star athletes around the world. Nobody knows people in the Premier League. You know, the only reason why we knew that one fed Beckham guys because they made a movie about it and one of the spice girls. All right. If he wasn't fucking some chicken and girl band,

nobody knew who that guy was. Okay, we matter the most. All right, let's try to have a little more empathy as Americans here. Let's watch some fucking great sports from around the world. MotoGP. If you want to watch a bunch of lunatics

driving about 180 miles an hour right next to each other, taking turns fucking maniacs and also the technology in that sport. They run off the bike. And before he hits the pavement, pavement ideally, like the suit that they wear has like an airbag

that just fucking immediately inflates and protects all their vitals in theory. You know, obviously, I don't know, if you fucking slam into a wall, I don't know what happens then. And then the Chinese Grand Prix, the second race,

the second of 20 races. There's only 20 races. It's very easy to watch this and you can watch it. And the Ferrari's won. The first one was Sebastian Vettel, I believe. And, you know, I'm sure fucking,

what the fuck's his name? Lewis Hamilton is not happy about that shit. And I was actually going to go to that TT race this year in the Isle of Man and ended up fucking falling apart. So I got to go next year. I got to go next year before they make it fucking safe. I have to go.

And if you've never seen that race, more people have died than years that they've had it. People have. It's like fucking real life Mad Max type shit, except there's still running water and all that stuff. Anyways, all right, let me talk about my glutes. Give me my glutes, give me my glutes. This is something I realized.

As I'm rehabbing all these injuries in my body is that through years of sitting on planes and sitting on cars, like I fucking, I have like no glute muscles whatsoever. Like beyond the usual fucking white guy, no ass type of shit. It's just like my fucking thighs do all the work.

And I've been doing these squats, where you kind of push them from your heels. And when I'm coming down and I'm trying to have most of my weight on my squat, on my squats, on my heels, with my torso like straight up and down, not leaning forward to counterbalance the lack of glute muscle that I have.

I start to come down into a seating position. I have to do it like over my workout bench because if I just try to go, you know, mainly depending on my glutes, I will literally fall down like the first 30 degrees. I'm okay. I just fall down to the bench. So I got to get that going.

So that's what I've been doing. I just went on and I looked up the top 10 glute things. So I'm doing alternative leg lunges. I got an exercise ball up against the wall that I put on my back and I go all the way down to a deep squat, pushing up through my heels. Then I do the one where you lay on your back,

your feet are planted on the ground and then you lift your hips up, you know, with your glutes that way. It's almost like you're sort of thrusting up as if you were fucking somebody. You know what I mean? But way up. Like they were lighter than air

and you could actually possibly do that. So I do those and then I do the alternative fucking leg lunges. That's what I'm doing so far. So hopefully, I don't know. I had no idea my body was so goddamn fucked up, but evidently it is, but I am 177.6. So I'm very excited about that.

And do it with me, everybody. Fuck and drink waters. Sign up for that blue apron. Shit, you know, have a robot come and delivered it to your house. Be done eating by five, six o'clock at night. And even if you get home later, just, I always try to go like fucking at least 12 hours

without eating when I'm trying to lose weight for like the last day. Like if I finish eating around seven, I'm not going to have breakfast till like fucking nine. If you do have a day job, just have like, I don't know, have like a lighter breakfast or something like that. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. All I can tell you is what works for me.

You know what else is on this weekend? The fucking masters. The one golf tournament that I really try to watch every year. It starts today. So just, you know, if you don't want to watch the last couple of fucking games of hockey, you know, I know baseball is going

and that type of stuff, but I don't know, there's racing stuff is pretty fucking goddamn cool. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll see you on Monday. So I'm standing there with my hands in the air. I can't help remembering

just where she touched me. There's been a face here in a place so cool. She was dancing someday. You did. I had seen and she just knew away.

So Fersi is completely addicted to skating now and he wants to get better at it. And so we're fucking in Edmonton. The next morning we got to drive down to Calgary and Fersi is going like, I think it's a little bit of a mess here to skate. So we find out they have, they have a skating rink at the mall

and not only is it a mall, it's one of the most giant malls in North America. North America, yeah. West Edmonton mall. Yeah, rivaling. What's that one in Minnesota? Mall of America. Mall of America, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So which I've been to that one too. So we go to that one. We're walking through there with our fucking skates. Two middle-aged guys walking through this thing like you could sail the fucking ocean with this fucking thing. Yeah, it was a fucking official. And I look on the other side, it was really deep water

and it took all this time to make it look like there was a shipwreck and I'm like, Jesus Christ. I mean, like you could fucking, yeah, it was monstrous, man. Yeah, like Shaq could drown in this water. That's how fucking deep it was. And then we look on the other side and I'm like, Paul, is that a fucking sea lion? They had sea lions at this thing

and they're like throwing it fish and shit. They're throwing it fish and it was catching it. They're throwing shit from the food court. It was a trainer throwing it. And so we're just walking through the mall, walking through the mall, endless fucking mall. They had a water park there. Yeah, it was inside.

I didn't look at any stores. I was too distracted by the shit in the middle. And then we finally get all the way to the ice. Ice palace. They called it ice palace and we got all excited. And we're the only people with skates just walking through, holding our fucking dumb skates and we get all the way to the other side.

Verzi's all excited. They were calling it right now. I'm going to be fucking skating backwards. You're going to be like, what the fuck happened, Verzi? And then we show up and there's a big judo tournament where the ice rink is and they'd fucking put all this flooring all over it.

I was in denial. I'm like, maybe this isn't the rink. Dude, it says ice palace, Paul. This is it. They covered it up. This is it. I got upset though at the mall, man. Remember that girl, man?

Great gyro at this place. Yeah, great gyro at this place called Jimmy the Greek. The one complaint and you agreed, a little too much white sauce and it was pasty. It was a little pasty. He should have gone one scoop he went to. One scoop less and a little hot sauce and it would have been fucking.

He got excited. It would have been epic, yeah. He got excited. So then I said to Bill, I like a little dessert after I eat. I like a little candy bar. Bill, man, it was a frozen yoga place. I go, yeah, a pink berry or something.

I said, let's go frozen yoga. So we're walking by. Let's paint the picture. So two middle-aged men with skates. I don't like how you keep saying I'm middle-aged. You are middle-aged. I just turned 35. 35 times 2 is 70.

Most guys fucking drop. Well, I call it like that. What would you call it? No, I guess you're right. I always just when I thought of it as a kid, I don't know. I would say 40. 40s.

40s. Dude, people live long, man. Dude, I'm fucking 46. 46 times 2 is 92. I can't really sit there and say I'm middle-aged. I'll tell you the way I'm eating and smoking, you know. No. So we walk through and we're like,

where was that frozen yoga place? Let's go to that frozen yoga place. So we see two young women walk by and we figure, hey. I looked at them and I'm like, these ladies, they're going to know where a pink berry is. They're going to know where a pink berry is. So we walk up and you go first.

You say to the friend, you go, hey, you guys know where. Oh, they're good looking too, by the way. Yeah, good looking girls. And you go up first and you go, hey, you guys know where the frozen yoga place is? She did like a double take. She did a double take. So fucking rude, right?

And she just was like, what? And then I looked at the other one and I go, yeah, like a pink berry. She did. She did the classic pretty girl. You're clearly just asking me this because you want to talk to me thing. And I'm like, no bitch, I want some fucking yoga.

Okay, I want fucking, I want a fucking treat. You know, I just had lunch and it really bothered me, dude. And we were walking around and I wanted to find her. I wanted to find her. They walked past us again. They did the loop on the food court. I didn't know that, but I said to Bill when we got to the car, I go, I wanted to find her

because I would have just went up to her and go, you know something, I found it and you're a mean jerk. Well, don't call her anything. If you're going to go with mean jerk, I mean, you know, I hate that girl mentality. That pretty girl. You're a mean or you're a jerk if you want to stay clean. But if you go, you're a mean jerk.

No, you're not, you're not, you're not pretty inside. You're not pretty inside. She doesn't give a fuck. She's the hot girl at the mall. Paul, put yourself in her fucking pumps. All right. With two fucking. Jack asked to stand in there with ice skates

when there's a judo tournament down the way. The ice cream store is. They looked at us the way they were supposed to. You know what, dude? I like a sweetheart. I don't care how you look. I would love to hear them tell the story. And they come and then there's just creepy guy comes up.

You know what they are. That's the way they're going to hear it, Paul. Paul, you ever watched those fucking prison shows? Which ones? Like the Scared Straight? No, not those ones where they talk about the worst prisons in the country and that type of shit. Watching it going.

How the fuck would I go in there and not get raped? What would my game plan? He gets scared watching it in your bedroom. Women have to walk out of the house. Worried about that. That somebody's going to, you know. Dude, just imagine if. Dude, I had a winter hat on with a puffy ball

on top of it holding ice skates. Asking for yogurt. If anything, she probably thought I was fucking gay. You don't look gay, Paul. I know, but you're not. You're beard's too terroristy. You need to get a little more metrosexual if you're going to do that. We had sweat pants on.

Dude, we were a mess. Everybody on the fucking ground. My beard actually fucking says everybody on the fucking ground. No, but dude, I don't like the pretty girl who can't be approached with a question because, oh, this guy's hitting on me. It's awful. And you know something?

Especially the blonde one who went like shook her head like what? She's going to be a nightmare. She's a fucking nightmare for some future guy. I'm telling you, she's a nightmare. She's already selfish. It's over. What if she just knows what she wants and we're not it? Well, this is the thing, dude.

You actually allowed. Like how old do you think they were? Probably 21, 22. Yeah, you let a 21, 22 year old. That's a girl at my age. Not even a woman. The way she shook it off. She had a ruin like, dude, we're driving down the Calgary.

Yeah, she ruined like a half hour. We got the Rocky Mountains on the right hand side of the car and you're just still calling. You're calling her a cunt the whole way down. It bothered the shit out of me. It was like, why would you ask me? How would I know? Dude, you realize how funny that is that they did that to us?

Like what? Like, yeah, they really made us feel like shit. That's fucking hilarious if you look at it. And the whole time is because you wanted to get frozen yogurt. Dude, how funny would it be if we chased him down? Dude, you got frozen yogurt with sugar-free gummy bears on it. It was all natural. No, organic gummy bears.

How great would it be if we chased him down and I just walked up to her and I go, you know something? You hurt my feelings. And I just fucking broke down. You know, you hurt my feelings. I just wanted yogurt. Oh, by the way, the people listening here, this is last week, you know, just trying to kill,

just trying to make jokes. Do not go out of your mind being on tour this fucking long. Yeah. You know what I feel? I'll tell you, I got a friend of mine who loves yogurt, you know? So we were doing that. And once that went away, that got old somewhere along the line. You started doing it.

You started saying really sentimental shit to me and then pretending like you were crying and then that just became like the running joke. And then you started laughing and then you were just like, you got to do that on stage. Do that crying thing. So now we'll just go up and like, if we'll be like, hey man, I'm tired, but dude, you know what?

Hang what you on the road has been great. Yeah. And then Bill would come and tag it. That's the best thing. Bill would come and tag it. I was hoping you were going to say that. But it's been, it's been fucking wonderful for my anger. I'm going to try to do that when I get home.

Just pretend like I'm crying, man. It's fucking hilarious. So two stories. We go into eat and we have this Filipino waiter, right? By the way, I like to play the games where I said, What the hell were we? I was like Calgary. I was Edmonton.

Yeah, it was Edmonton. So I like to do this thing where sometimes I like to fuck with people. So I'll just get on a phone and I'll be like, Bill, go along with it and we'll be in an elevator. And I'll go, what? No, that's horseshit. And like Bill just like, what happened? So like I said, like he had a parole officer called

and he said, and Bill goes, oh, they worked it up. And then instantly Burgos. Yeah, but what about that video tape? I go, no, no, they said it's insubmissible. And like, and like the guy, I think we do it to like, this has been great. Right. We turn that into doing it in public.

So we have this Filipino waiter, right? And the whole guy, guy was great. And he was talking to us. And at the end I just go, he goes, here's your bill. And I go, I just want to say so. And I kept the dead straight face. And I go, you've been a great waiter, man. And I put my hand on his fucking arm.

And I go, you know, you're bringing the waters. He just, and Bill just looks at him goes, he gets a little, he gets a little emotional. You know what I mean? But the guy had no, because he was so fucking polite. And he was actually from the Philippines. So you jumped right in perfectly. My friend, he gets a little emotional.

No, but Billy, he'd bring the waters. Oh dude, he was freaked out though. No, that's the new game on the road. But you had the best one. I got to say the best one was at the airport yesterday. We got to the airport yesterday and Bill starts busting my balls about my laundry. And he goes, Verzi fucking 16 days and you're carrying,

you know, dirty socks and underwear. And I go, dude, I go, I bought new ones. Dirty ones are tied up tight in a plastic bag. And Bill just goes, just look at your emotions. And dude, I fucking could not walk. I couldn't walk. And I had to stop pulling my fucking, the bag I checked because we were laughing so hard.

And it works though. It makes it, it makes it's fucking great. It's driving our tour manager nuts. Oh yeah, that's the one thing we got. Well, because women don't want to see a guy getting emotional like that. Well, no, because once somebody cries, it's over. Like when I go out afterwards and I'm taking pictures with people

and stuff, I always come back. I was just saying, I gotta tell you, you know, I've seen a lot of people do that, you know, doing the picture thing, but you gotta be one of the best. Dude, our wives, she's going, would you stop fucking doing that? Our wives are going to go nuts. Cause you know, the first thing I want, I see stays and you see your wife, we're just going to go,

it's been so long. I missed you so much. No, you got to set it up with talking like you said. You got to start off normal. You're almost crying and then you cry, which ruins their crying. And I swear to God, you get slugged in the shoulder, which is all you really want. Oh shit, 20 minutes in.

I'll tell you, Paul, you know, time really flies with you on the podcast. It's been so fun. This is probably only funny to us, but I don't give a shit. Try it with your friends. Oh fuck that. The game is called, he gets emotional and just walk into a bar,

just have one of your friends start hitting on a woman and then the other friends got to go along. Yeah. And then just starts welling up and then the other guy goes, I'm sorry, he just gets emotional and he just got to let the other person deal with it. Dude, you're one at the fucking airport where you walked up to that lady at the little fucking,

I sell gum, whatever the hell it is. Excuse me, do you have the, what are the biggest, no, I broke out. I go, hey man, what are the biggest condoms you got? What's the biggest size condoms you have? I turned around and walked away. And you turned around and walked away and I'm just staring at her and I'm biting my tongue as hard as I can to not laugh

and then I just burst out laughing. And then when you went to repeat it, you just started to try to point to it and I lost it. You lost it and it had to walk away. Paul, we're punch drunk out here. You know, one of my favorite things in this business was OPI from the OPI and Anthony show was he had this thing that he would do

when guys would start crying, when they would play audio. Yeah. Oh my God. His timing was perfect every time. Someone would be talking like retiring from a sport, like when Mike Schmidt retired, which is, you know, it's very difficult to watch.

28 years ago, a little boy began a journey to play the wonderful game of baseball and then OPI would always go, oh boy. One of my favorite and always, oh boy. It always meant, like nobody wants to see a man just completely.

You know what it is? I can watch a guy cry if something terrible is happening. Just don't try to talk while you're crying. No, that's the thing, the talking and then bursting out into crying. Just let your shoulders go. Yeah. But don't for the love of God.

A man needs to cry in private. Yeah, you do that in the shower. You do it in the shower like when my son was born. Everyone's like, did you cry yet? And I'm like, no, what are you talking about? And then when my son was born, it all hit me later and I went home to go get stuff from my wife in the hospital

and I sat on the couch and I didn't like weep, but I just got. I'm just fixing to sit on the couch by yourself and just use your stupid face. It's just completely unacceptable. Do you use your thing from your podcast? It's unacceptable. It's unacceptable, dude.

No, you're right. The talk into it, right? The talk into it. That's what the funny thing about crying is. You always do this to me. You always do this to me and I'm trying my best and it's fucking over. Whenever my friends die,

I've had so many fucking died. I just cry in the shower. That's what I do. I asked a girl, we asked a girl, right? Because you don't feel like you're crying because there's all that water on your face anyway. No, we asked a girl, we go, what would you do if your dude started crying?

Like if it wasn't, if nobody died, if a dude and you were just arguing. He just had a bad day and he just had a bad day and you got into it and he broke down and cry and she goes, yeah, no, over. You don't want to see that part of you. They don't. What that is to them is that's their total conquest.

Like, you know, when you bang a girl in the ass and you're just like, yeah, I got this shit. I'm fucking with you. Their version of that. I was just like, Jesus, Bill. No, I'm fucking with you. Their version of that is if they can get you to be so vulnerable around them that you cry

and then it's one of those things. It's almost like when the crowd screams out a joke they already heard, they think they want to hear it again and then you tell it's like, it's the same thing as that. Yeah, and you said something. You said something about like, if a burglar comes in, if you cry in front of a woman,

all in her mind is like, what if the burglar comes in? This fucking guy? Yeah, no, it's over. You can't cry. You strip a woman of security if you cry in front of her, I think. I don't think I've cried in front of her. I think my wife saw that. Yeah, that's what it is.

Yeah, you strip her of her security because now she's like, well, I got this fucking crisis. I got this baby sleeping next to me every night. You know, walking around. And then she mocks you. What are you going to cry, bitch? You're so mean. Yeah, it's fucking over, dude.

You can't have that. Have you ever cried alone listening to a song or like not cried, but have you ever been like, Oh, no, I've completely broken down and I've totaled three cars, just weeping uncontrollably. No, have I? Yeah.

I totally cry. No, no, I've definitely teared up. Listen, as an artist at some point, you're going to have to go to those emotions. You need to be in tune with your instrument. No, I have. What was the one? I had this weird thing where

I stopped crying at some point. I don't know when. I stopped crying and got mad more when I got hurt and my brother beat the shit out of me. You know, most of the crying I beat was just like, fuck you at the end of it. But I wasn't crying. And then I didn't cry.

I remember one time, dude. I remember one time, my brother's bigger than me. My little brother's bigger than me, right? Big, though, like, and I remember he, I said, if you fucking take my clothes again, if you take my clothes again, he did it every day.

He would go into my room, he would take my belt, he would take my clothes and I'd come home and I'd have to go. And if he does it again, I'm fucking hitting him. My mom would be like, you know, and one time I really needed a shirt and I'm fucking throwing shit through the house

and he gets out of his friend's car and he starts walking up and he's got it on. And I fucking snapped and my grandmother was there and I jumped on him and I started punching him and he stood up and he just goes, fuck you.

Wait, you made your older brother cry? I didn't know what to do. He got so upset that he just, and he looked around, he was so angry that something needed to come out and he just goes, fuck you. What did you feel bad? Did you start laughing?

No, I kind of just walked away and we left about it afterwards but now he's a fuck, he's a big kid, but you know, my mom had the opposite. I got a little brother and he's an animal, you know? No, my mom said she went to a funeral once and everybody was there and everybody was crying

and I had to drag her out. She said she had one of the most embarrassing things happened to her where she said she uncontrollably laughed because they said that that could happen sometimes so she's sitting there and everybody's crying and she went up and she could not stop laughing

and I said, why? And she was like, Paul, I just don't know. She goes, I could not stop laughing and I had to walk me out and she just said because the emotions were so much that they said that that could happen sometimes and she didn't know what to do so

instead of just breaking down she went the other way and just couldn't control herself. Yeah, you know, like humans will protect you and that's what they don't get sometimes when comics make fucking horrific jokes about some bad event, make good jokes but it's about a horrific event

so they go, that's so fucking me. It's a defense mechanism. No, my mom is a sweetheart who felt bad and her emotions just went the other way and she goes, Paul, I felt so bad I couldn't control myself. Oh, my God. Oh, so I was saying, so I somewhere around,

I don't know, 10 or 11, I didn't cry for years, years and years and years and I didn't cry until a friend of mine killed himself and even then I was sad and then just, I went, I was in the bathroom once again and it was in there and I remember I started to cry

and then I started thinking like, wow, I'm crying, I haven't cried in a long time and then I stopped because I was out of it because I stopped thinking about and I was like, yeah, I went 10 years without a cry and then I had one. And what was it over? Yogurt.

They didn't have gummy bears. No, I think, yeah, it might have been when my son was born, you know, it might have been when my son was born. That's acceptable, I guess it's acceptable. Back in the day you just stood on the waiting room and smoked a cigar. I had a great time in Vegas,

other than when I went down to the pool, because I go down to the pool, I'm down there, it's me, it's fucking Jay Lawhead who's been killing it in front of me, and the lovely Nia and her cousins, and we're hanging out down the pool, and they're doing the usual shit, you know, if you're a redhead and you go down to the pool, like, you just ask it for it. People all, you know, look how white you are, you know, like I never noticed, it's like, I'm fucking around myself, I've been around myself since the 60s, the late 60s, I know how white I am, and if I ever forget how white I am, there's always somebody there to remind me. So I don't know if you've noticed your skin tone, what am I meditating, floating up out of my body, alright, so these people I'm with go, come on, come on in the pool, I'm like, I don't want to go in the pool, I don't want to go in the fucking pool, you know, they're like, why not, why don't you want to go in the pool, you know why, because they're fucking, look at these people, look at them, look at them, and you're getting, you know, would you take a bath with any one of the people that you see here? These fucking, just messes of human beings, there's not enough chlorine in a fucking pool to kill whatever the fuck they're dragging in the pool, you know, so I finally ended up going to the pool, then everybody made fun on how white my fucking alabaster chest was, and then I had to stay in the shade of the fucking, the lifeguards chair, you know. I had a show to do, I'm being a professional, I can't come out stage later, half in the bag looking like a lobster, right, I got to do my little song and dance later on that night, so anyway, so I ended up getting in the fucking pool against what I wanted to do, you know, and then I get out of the pool. First of all, for my age, I am in absolutely phenomenal top shelf shape. Alright, I got to tell you, the fucking, just the, the, the fuck the humanity that I saw poolside in Las Vegas, the fucking humanity. Keyword, manatee. Not to step on Jim Gaffigan, I just realized he used to use that reference, and I'm pretty sure he used it. I can't remember how the fuck he used it, but if he used it to describe a fat pale torso, not really pale, but whatever, whatever the fucking shit I saw, the side of the, he was dead on that. Oh my God. Is there anything worse than seeing a tattoo come of age? You know, Jesus Christ, if you get a tattoo, you better, you better just make the mental decision that you're going to P 90 X for the rest of your fucking life, because when you don't do, I saw this guy down at the pool.

All right. He had like, not only the worst tattoos you've ever seen in your life, like the worst placement. You know what I mean? Like you get one like on the side of your arm up by your shoulder. That looks good. Right on the bicep. That looks good. You know, show somebody gets one right over their voice box. Like I don't give a fuck what you have surrounding that that leads into that part of the of the work or the piece, whatever they call it. It looks fucking horrible. Leg tattoos, horrific, horrific. So this fucking jerk off, he has basically the exact sort of like tribal thing that the rock has except he doesn't look tribal. He looks like an accountant, you know, and he doesn't work out. So just imagine if the rock was as pasty as I was and it never worked out in his life. But he has that same tattoo that starts at the elbow, goes up the arm over the shoulder and covers one whole pack. But the way this guy had it done was it didn't cover his whole pack. It came swinging in and went right above his mann nipple. So now all of that all of that is like colored in. So because of the pastiness of his torso, your eye is just drawn to his right nipple. Is he standing in the fucking pool? My neck was sore from shaking my head at people. It was it was absolutely fucking horrific, right? So so anyways, I go back up to the I go back up to the hotel room, right? You know, going to make sure that I'm all ship shaped for my goddamn show. And I put on the news. And what do they end up doing a story about? They start doing a story about the amount of fecal matter found in public pools. Right after I just got out of a goddamn pool, you know, and I know what people always think. Stay away from where the kids are. Stay away from the kiddie pool, right? Stay away from that. They always blame the fucking kids. Well, you know, something after seeing what I saw pools. You know, there weren't a lot of kids in there.

But I guarantee you, somebody got a coli. I know this is fucking disgusting, but people you're basically bathing. You don't see even more fucked up is Vegas is just like, you know, people flying from all over the world. You're taking a fucking AIDS bath, you know, with a shot of fucking. What the hell is that shit that came out, but it killed people so fast that it just burned out. Everybody just ran into the woods. The fuck was that shit called? Ah, Christ, I can't remember. Ebola. That's it with the shot of Ebola. Oh, whatever. Food poisoning. I don't know what it is. A Salmonella shower, whatever the fuck you want to call it. I'm done with public pools. The only pool that I will ever swim in again is my pool. If I ever get one or the pool of some hot chick that I want to fucking bang because I have Nia's permission. That's the only way it's going to go down. Other than that, you know, I'll just go. I'll just go take a bath. That way I'm out of the sun. You know, I'll take a couple of vitamin E pills, whatever the fuck it is you get from the sun. Other than skin cancer, I'm done with it. You know what America needs to implement after years and years of calling the French people smelly? You know, that's kind of like the thing when we went over to France and saved their ass for the second time last century. Oh, wait, did we do it once? We did it one time, right? I can't fucking remember. So anyways, we've always made fun of the French file. They smell. If you ever watched Bugs Bunny growing up, man, you saw Peppy Lapu.

If you noticed he had a French accent, you know, that's the kind of shit you couldn't get away with today because of political correctness, I guess they were basically saying that, you know, that they stunk. But I'll tell you one thing that the French have when it comes to hygiene over Americans. All right, is the bidet. All right, I can guarantee you if I ever go swimming in a public pool again, it's going to be in France. Unless there's a bunch of Americans. I know I've been over to England. I never saw a bidet over there. You know, bidet is basically a car wash for your asshole. And, you know, it leaves you feeling refreshed, puts a fucking smile on your face. And evidently, in France, you're so fucking happy you forget to put on deodorant. But I'll tell you right now, you can jump in that pool. I bet they're not talking about that shit over there. No, it can't be that warm with the wind in her arms. All I've made, all I've made, all I've made, all I've made, all I've made, all I've made, and seen, be safe on these boys. So good, she was not, cause on a Sunday, music. I asked him, that he just blew away.

Cause he can't be that warm, with the wind in her arms. All I've made, all I've made, all I've made, all I've made, and seen, be safe on these boys. I'm the same boy used to be. Warm things up this spring, with a trip to Cirrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cirrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling, with a huge selection of lingerie, in petite to plus size. Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis, with six area locations and in Anderson.

Or shop online anytime at Cirrillas.com.