Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-6-23

Episode Date: April 7, 2023

Bill rambles about the Patrice O'Neal benefit, boots, and idiots who need helicopter rescues. Digital Experience Tickets for the Monday Morning Podcast Live 4/23 Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Yussef Dayes ft. Rocco Palladino & Charlie Stacey ~ Yesterday Princess (Stanley Clarke X Curren$y) https://youtu.be/O_IZI7YQLsU Stamps.com:   Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage, and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts.  

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on Yoo-hoo. I am in New York City. Bum-bum-bum-bum. Hanging out an extra day after the 10th annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. It was a smashing success. I'm hanging out for an extra day because I'm going to go see Youssef Dave's at the Blue Note tonight. I've never seen a show there. This guy's an incredible drummer and he's always playing with amazing musicians. And I was like, you know what? I'm always fucking leaving or I'm always getting there a day later. I'm going to stay an extra day. Fuck it. I've been home three months with the family. Dad can spend

one more day out on the road to go see this amazing drummer and then I'll be home for most of April, which will be cool. So I'm very excited to be going over there. I got my old man earplugs. Probably going to swing by the cellar and do a spot. You know, I dropped by the stand in New York Comedy Club the other night. Sort of been staying downtown here. So I've been doing that. I visited some friends. You know, didn't quite stick with my, well, I didn't stick with my first 10 days of the month. I had coffee yesterday and today. I mean, what the fuck? I'm in New York. What am I not going to do that? And then I smoked a cigar on two different occasions with a friend of mine. So I owe the till two days.

So now I have to go until April 12. It's just how it works, whatever. It'll still be the same amount of days. But anyway, just had an amazing time being out here and fucking psyched. I did my laundry. There's nothing better than after you, but you're on the road for like a week. Go that fucking dirty laundry and underwear and socks and shit. I fucking hate stuffing it back in the bag. So I just went to a laundromat and did it fucking old school style because I waited till the last day and you can't do wash and fold on the same day. I think you can. I'm not sure. I just wasn't sure. So I said, fucking, I just went and did it and knocked that out. So I have all everything's clean going back into

the bag. I got this show to see. And then last night was just incredible. I want to thank everybody at the stand as always for the incredible after party, but see if I can remember the whole freaking night. The lineup was, let's see. Cipher started out DJ and Rich Voss, of course. Shane Gillis open fucking smashed. Eleanor Kerrigan went next. She fucking killed it. I'm going to fuck this up. My old man brain. Then it was Mo Amirk went up. He destroyed. That's three. Then I want to say Keith Robinson, Jim Norton, and then David Tell dropped in. Andrew Dice Clay dropped in. Then Ricky Velez went on after that. He can believe that fucking destroyed. And then John Stewart dropped by. He fucking destroyed. And then I went up. I

think that that was the night and everybody in their own way in their own style killed. Oh, Cypher went up to Cypher did five minutes. Oh, it's fucking hilarious. So I'm sitting there going like, wait, Cypher's DJing. How the fuck is he going to? And Voss intros him. So Cypher's playing music for him to walk on. And Rich is supposed to go back to his turntables and shut it off. And all I'm thinking is as I'm watching it, I'm like, there's no way Rich isn't going to fuck this up. So, you know, he's playing some sort of, you know, H to the Izzo or ba ba ba ba ba that there's some JZ shit. So Cypher walks up to the mic, fucking dumbass rich boss walks back to turntables. And of course, Rich is pushing buttons and

the fucking music is still going. And Cypher's just looking back like what the fuck. And he keeps pushing the buttons and the music he's playing. And then Cypher's finally like, it's the big silver button. You know, Voss is like almost fucking 90. He can't see it. And he just starts Cypher just starts shitting on him. And he crowds laugh and he finally gets the fucking music off. When they brought Keith Robinson out, you know, Keith has had two strokes and he has the cane and it takes him a second to get there. So Cypher was playing walk this way by Aerosmith. And when that ended, on my suggestion, he then played the Jeopardy. And the crowd is looking like what the fuck are they doing? And we were just all laughing. I told him to play

him off to the the fucking Hulk music. You know, the end, if you're old, you know, when David Banner would have to leave another town because he got angry and green and beat the fuck out of everybody, you need to go hitchhike away. And they used to play this sad fucking piano music. But I don't know, Rich was talking so he didn't get a chance to do that. So Norton went up and did like fucking eight minutes on the Queen Diane that had me fucking rolling. And then then Dice went out. That's right. Dice went out before a tell dice goes out. And it's like, this is the legend. This is the fucking king. Crowd fucking loses it. He fucking goes out there. The leather vest on the Brooklyn fucking, you know, tank top, it's fucking dice. And he goes out there does not

hold back. Just fucking is full on fucking dice. And all I'm thinking is I fucking saw this guy. You know, I saw him in 89 at the Worcester Centrum. And I'm now sharing a stage with this fucking legend. And just it was a man and he had this brilliant bit. I'm not I can't say what it was about because it gives away the bit was absolutely fucking brilliant. It's leading you all the way to the left and you think it's this way and then bam, he comes back to the right to a big fucking laugh. He was amazing. Amazing. And then David tell goes out and it just is fucking David tell. David tell another king, you know, he goes out, he fucking kills. And wait, Mo went on. When the fuck did he go on? He went on? No, Mo went on before Keith. That's

right. He came straight from a writer's room. There's so much people love Patrice. He came straight from a writer's room. You know, David tell and dice just dropped in. And then Ricky, the les had to follow them. He walked out there like it was nothing absolutely killed. I already respected him. You know, I worked with him on King of Staten Island. And we did a stand up show for Pete Davidson firefighter thing in Staten Island. And I remember seeing that light. I was like, man, he's fucking good. And he's gone to a whole other level. And and then what happened? And then John Stuart, who I knew was coming down, he showed up and he went out there just fucking, you know, he went out there spitting flames, like the passion of

like a fucking 23 year old comedian. It was funny. He was the only guy who got heckled. He pissed off some woman in the crowd was fucking hilarious. She got, you know, upset about something. And the second she yelled out, the whole crowd just went, ah, I was like, it was such a good night. Now what the fuck, right? So and and then I had to go out in the end. I swear to God, I think I wore out my fucking shoes, pacing back and forth, trying to wonder wondering how I was going to follow all of these people. So fortunately, for whatever reason, Cypher brought me out to this fucking that stupid Irish music. I was like, I was a fucking leprechaun. So I started trashing him. I thought he was Latino.

Every day only he's Filipino. So I didn't even make sense what I was saying to him. But nobody knew, you know, because most of the crowd was white and they're like me and they're looking at me. He's kind of tan. He must be Latino. So anyway, and all we did was just fucking break each other's balls. Like Rich Foss brought up Keith Robinson by saying this next guy coming to the stage is probably going to be our next benefit. And then, you know, Jim and Rich like give each other a dirty look. They refused to shake hands. It was fucking great. It was just a perfect mix of Patrice's friends. Comics that Patrice was, you know, looking up to when he started and young comics that loved Patrice and influenced by him. So just when the night couldn't get any

better, we end the show, do the curtain call, everybody comes walking out. And dumbass Rich Foss, you can just fucking count on him to do something stupid, comes through in the clutch where he has Maureen Tarran who puts the whole thing together, by the way, has her phone and he says to the crowd, he goes, because Patrice's mom couldn't make it because her arthritis was acting up in her knees. So she couldn't make it this year. So he goes, hey, he goes, we're all going to say hello to Patrice's mom. He goes on the count of three. He goes, everybody say, hi, Georgine. I'm thinking, Georgine, like her name is Georgia. And like for half as I'm doing the math, I'm thinking, wait a second, is Georgine the real name, like, you know, Bill and William?

And as I'm thinking that, the crowd goes, hi, Georgine. And then I just take the mic, I'm like, dude, her name is Georgia, you fucking idiot. And the whole crowd loses it. And I just start trashing Voss for being stupid. We got a video with the whole thing. I think I'm going to post it. If I can figure out how to do it, I'll have Andrew do it. The crowd died laughing. And here's the greatest thing. We sent Georgia that video of him saying her name wrong. And she died laughing. She thought it was the funniest thing ever, which of course is like, you know, such like a Patrice thing or whatever. And I love talking to her. And when I do talk to her, I always, because, you know, we all love her, but it's also, you know, most of us know her name.

But like when I talk to her, I hear like Patrice's cadence and I hear, you know, elements of him in her, of course, because it's his mom. So she was definitely missed that she couldn't be there. But the night was amazing. Then afterwards, the stand has always comes through their own pocket. They feed everybody, give people drinks and all of that type of stuff. And I got to hang out with everybody was hanging out, you know, talking to Dice and he was telling me all of these fucking amazing stories about, you know, throughout his career and all that type of stuff. And you know, what's funny is Eleanor, you know, came from a big Philly family and she told me a long time ago that she used to have to finish one of her little brother's fights.

And she had one of her brothers there and she kept calling him my stupid brother the whole night, just calling. She said, hey, can you take a picture with my stupid brother's girlfriend? Like, like she couldn't say brother. She always said stupid and I'm dying laughing. And I say to him, I go, I go, are you the one she had to finish the fights for? And they both in unison at the same time said, no, that was Billy. And I was like, oh my God, it's fucking true. So anyway, it was a great night. It was a great night. We all fucking hung out. And I left at the perfect time because I had to do Jim and Sam this morning. I was so great to, you know, hang out with those guys. I had a really good time. As you can tell,

I'm also tired because I'm fucking old. You know, and with that, you know, another year goes by. I've been walking around New York trying to get exercise that way. You know, I brought these stupid ass fucking boots with me because stupid club soda, Kenny told me it was, he scared the shit out of me. He sent me this text before I went to Ottawa. And he told me like it was like fucking, you know, I don't know, I'm an idiot. I read it like it was freezing out and it was going to be snowing out. So I got these giant stupid boots that I bought when I did a gig in Iceland and they're fucking amazing boots when it's freezing cold out and it's wet out because they keep your feet dry. But it's been like balmy this entire trip. I mean,

it's snowed a couple of times up in Canada, but it was really close to almost being rain. And I've just been walking around with those dumb shoes for the last three fucking days in New York. Like they're good shoes. If you're walking up a mountain, not walking along fucking asphalt and they're hot, they make your feet hot as fuck unless it's like, you know, 20 degrees or lower evidently. So aside from seeing my lovely wife and kids, I'm really looking forward to getting home so I can take these goddamn boots off because I can't fit them in my fucking carry-on. Oh, and they got the stupid metal things around the laces. So they always set off the alarm at the fucking airport. So I got to take them on. It's a whole scene. And then also when you fucking tie

them up, you know, the top three lace things don't have a hole. They just have like a hook, you know, and just inevitably it comes undone like a bow tie. And just all you're doing is just the whole, it's good for your hammies. Every day, all you're doing is bending over and re-tying your fucking shoes. Maybe that's how all those, that's how all those fucking people die on Mount Everest, you know, they go up with those boots, you know, they keep coming undone. They got to have a better system than that. Fucking nuts is it that people still do that? Climb on, like how boring a person are you that you have to do that so you have a fucking story? You know what I mean? It's like those idiots that like film themselves, they climb up like a cell

phone tower and they're hanging off of it. It's like, or you could learn how to tell a story. You could learn how to approach a woman and say hello. Like why do you have to like risk your fucking life? I do find it amazing Mount Everest that they just like, yeah, we're not getting those bodies. You know, I sometimes feel like that with like, like the Coast Guard when there's like some crazy storm coming and they warn every fucking jerk off with the boat. This is a big one. We're telling you don't fucking go out there and there's always some fucking asshole, weekend warrior, dumb motherfucker. He's got to take his stupid ass fucking 20 footer out there with a couple of dumb broads, whatever the fuck

he's doing, you know, try to get his kilo of cocaine from fucking San Diego up to fucking San Francisco, whatever the fuck. I always feel like there's just a bunch of illegal activity going on out at sea, you know, and what do they do? They go out there and they get themselves in trouble and then these poor bastards, the men and women of the fucking Coast Guard got to go out there. You ever see that shit when these idiots get fucking washed overboard? You know, and then they fucking like these guys fly out with in helicopters in that fucking weather with the goddamn wipers on like that helps, right? Going out there and somebody will literally jump out of the helicopter into the fucking water. Look, they're not all fucking

idiots. Some of them just get caught in shit. But I'm just saying, like, I just, I just feel like you know, if I was in the Coast Guard, I think the number one thing that I would be suggesting in meetings, it's like, Hey, you ever see those bodies that they just sort of leave up on Mount Everest? You know, I think every once in a while, maybe we should do that. Like, you know, we fucking look, I get it if some shit happens, unexpected ship, but when they tell you not to fucking go out there and you go out there anyway, you know, you still got to go get him. I mean, I did to this fucking day. What would you rather do? I mean, personally, I mean, I 100% will choose a land death

over and out at sea death any fucking day of the year. I mean, the fucking emptiness and the loneliness of just being out there floating by yourself, you might as well be on another planet. It's just like, and then just sitting there hoping that hypothermia is going to take you because your only other two options are drowning or getting fucking eaten by a goddamn shark. By the way, why don't killer whales kill people? You know what I mean? You know, it's fucked up. Maybe if they went around and they killed more people, they wouldn't stop getting hired at fucking SeaWorld. Do you ever think of that? Like no one ever tries to fucking like water ski behind a shark or have, you know,

try to make a great white shark do like fucking, you know, those dolphin tricks. Why, that's a really weird thing. Are sharks just, they don't have as big a brain? It's funny. They're not as smart, but they're smart enough not to have to do tricks at SeaWorld. It's kind of like the difference between men and women. Oh my god, am I doing like fucking 80 stand up right now? I think I am. You know, like sharks are just dumb enough to not be smart enough to have to do tricks at SeaWorld. That's kind of like a guy. You know, we're just dumb enough to be able to sit there with a fucking sandwich and a game on and understand that like this is fucking great, right? Where a woman is more complex, evidently

has a bigger brain like a dolphin or a fucking killer whale and then how do you equate them? They don't jump through hoops. What's the difference between that? Is the land women make the guy jump through the hoop? So I guess we're dumb and then sharks. I'm really in like over my head on this one. I don't even know what the fuck I'm going with this, but that's kind of funny, huh? Like if a killer whale comes up, people don't get scared and they don't eat us. Where a shark comes up, you know, fucking dumbass shark is like, what is that? That's sort of weird looking scales. You know, you're just sitting there in your fucking pants, because you got washed overboard off of some fucking pontoon boat.

After the Coast Guard told you not to fucking go out there, you jerk off. And they got to come up and they got to take a bite out of you to see what you are, to be like, oh, all right, I don't want to fuck with that, right? What, can killer whales just know you're wearing pants and that's going to get stuck in their teeth so they're like, I'm not fucking dealing with, I don't know. There's a lot of things I don't know people and I think I just talked about them for a good 21 minutes. What do you think about that? I'd say there's some advertising, but I haven't gotten the email yet, because I'm trying to knock this fucking thing out. I did a good job this trip as far as like not getting other stuff,

like extra shit. A buddy of mine turned 50. One of the guys I was like smoking a cigar with, and he gave me a stack, one, two, three, four, five. Are they called koozies? You know those things you put around a drink? I always thought koozies were fucking pussies. It's like, oh, it keeps the drink warm, so it doesn't, I mean cold, so it doesn't warm up in your hand. It's like, yeah, or you could fucking drink faster, you know? I just feel like these are like training wheels. Maybe it's for people that actually know how to drink. Anyway, so I got five of these. They're light, they're small, they're compact. It's almost like the size of two wallets, so that's not a bad thing to bring back. You know, people always like,

that's sort of something people never think of, like when they go to give you something, right? And you travel to see them. Like just remember that they have to try to get this in their luggage. Like you don't want to give them a job. Like, oh my god, Jesus Christ, a painting, thank you. I know exactly where I'm going to put this in my house. I mean, listen, I think if somebody gives you something that's just too big to fit in your luggage or get on the plane, that's when you just stick it under the bed at the hotel. You just leave it there. It's for whoever finds it. You know what I mean? You just call them, you know, the cleaning lady gets it and she can fucking flip it on eBay or maybe, you know,

re-gift it to somebody. Oh no, you shouldn't have. I mean, seriously, you should not have. How the fuck am I going to get this in the overhead compartment? But you can't say that because then you're an asshole because somebody gave you something. It's also a great way to fucking sort of prank somebody. You know, just give them some ridiculous gift that they can't get on the fucking plane. You just sort of film that like fucking look on their faces. They're smiling because they know they're supposed to say thank you as they're doing the math in the head. Look how the fuck am I going to get this home? Oh, Bill, shut up. All right. Well, I imagine if we have some advertising, I'll record it later and we will insert it here. So I'm just going to announce it

like it's happening. All right, everybody, here's a little advertising for this week. Oh, geez, I'm standing out in a parking lot here. All right, Stamps.com, a little time travel here. Stamps.com. All right, when every person, moment, and penny counts in your business, you can't afford to take any of them for granted. Stamps.com gets it because for the last 25 years, they've been helping businesses like yours save time and money. So you can focus on your business knowing Stamps.com has all your postage needs covered with premium discounts and great rates. A post office in your office with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer. They even send you a free scale. Jesus, branch out your business with that free scale there.

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Sign up with the promo code BRR for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and enter the code BRR. Announcing the Monday morning podcast live. That's right. I'm doing a live podcast. And if you can't get to LA to be there in person, you can watch it online. Oh, Billy Freckles, live in the flesh. One click over from the porn stars. The Monday morning podcast live. Tickets will be available for all Monday morning podcast listeners to take part in the digital experience. No matter where in the world you call home. This is it. Digital experience. After you've

done banging your fucking robot sex doll, you can get up and watch me digitally. Oh, there's an aperteef. April 23rd at noon Pacific Standard Time, 3pm Eastern Standard Time, 8pm British Standard Time, or 5am Australian Eastern Standard Time. Right when you're coming home from the pub out there, right? From headbuttonsome, contented teeth, whatever they do over there. Tickets at 10 bucks at www.moment.co slash bill burr, m-o-m-e-n-t dot c-o slash bill burr. All right, check it out if you can, if you can't, no big deal. And there we go. That was the advertising. If there was some, if there wasn't, there was like a fucking three second, four second pause in this thing. With that, let's talk a little

bit of baseball here. Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Sorry, don't say, Tampa Bay, don't say Devil Rays are off to a great start. Your New York Yankees are off to a great start by Boston Red Sox with two and two. The last I checked, we are sort of picking up where we left off last year, where we're scoring a lot of runs while letting up a lot of runs. So fuck, I got the hiccups. Um, I'm hoping that we will, our pitching will come around this year. Um, I think we're back on the Chris Sale watch. I have no idea. I haven't been able to watch, watch a game yet. Oh, you know what these hiccups are? These are a, I wolfed down two slices of pizza before I did a podcast. You can't do that. And then you sit down,

something about that. You're kind of folding your body. Oh, I didn't even talk about Donald Trump. I was in here when they, they, they, uh, arraigned the guy, whatever the fuck they did with them. Um, all right, you guys know I'm not a big politics guy, but I am a fucking, uh, sports guy. And I got to tell you, I think that was the dumbest fucking move. You know, I just, I was just stupid. Why would they do that? Like this guy was like dead in the fucking water. Nobody was talking about them. And they just put them on the front page of every newspaper. He has the money to beat this. And then when he beats it, I'm calling it right now. The New York post is going to have the cover of their paper.

It's going to say the new Teflon Don because remember they had John Gotti. Um, I think there's a really bad fuck. I haven't been paying attention, but like you shouldn't, this is just going to cause well, they've already been doing it. Every president has been getting attacked since fucking Bill Clinton lied about a blowjob under oath. You know, the Republicans went after them. You know, not cause they gave a fuck that he fucking lied under oath about a fucking blowjob. It's cause he was a Democrat douche to them, right? So then what do they do? Then they go after fucking George W. Well, he didn't really win the election. And then George W has got to fucking deal with that bullshit while he's trying to run the country. And then because the Democrats did that,

then the Republicans like, well, Obama's not really from this country. Then Obama has to deal with that. And then Trump becomes president and everything he fucking did, they were jumping all over. I just don't, I don't think, and then that, you know, like they're not going to go after Joe Biden, all the bullshit that that guy's done. Um, yeah, they're all filthy, but I don't think it helps the country if the standing president has to constantly fucking be fighting some sort of legal battle. I don't think that helps anybody out. And, uh, I think this was a dumb move by liberals to go after this guy. I was joking on Jim and Sam today. It was like, he was like a one hit wonder, right? He was there for one term. So now he was on like the casino circuit,

singing his one hit, right? Shoot that poison arrow through my heart, right? And then they just, they just wrote him a hit song. They got him back in the fucking papers. I don't, I don't like they're doing this. Not, I feel like they're doing this not because they give a fuck that he broke any law. I just think they're doing this because they want them to get convicted of something so he can't run for president. This is really not a unique thing, but like, don't they understand what like, what do they think conservatives are going to do? Just sit back and let them do this? Like they're not going to then go do it. Like they just opened a fucking can of worms.

And this is bad for everybody. We got to like, everybody's got to fucking settle the fuck down. And when you lose the white house, just be like, Hey, man, you know, you win some, you lose some, let's try to work with this person, as opposed to trying to get everybody fucking impeached the entire time. I know it was kind of funny. They had like all these helicopters flying around and they were all worried like something was going to happen and like nothing happened and nobody really cared. As far as I know, I'm kind of out of the loop, but what do you guys think? I think that was not a good move. That reminds me of like, you know, when you're in a playoff series and you're winning

and you're going to win a game and right at the end of the game, your team does something stupid to rub it in the other team's face. And they were sitting there, the other team, right before you did that, their shoulders were slumped you know, they kind of given into the fact that they were going to lose the series. And then you just, you do something stupid, right? Like bite somebody's finger, like that guy in fucking boroughs on the Vancouver Canucks, poke the bear and the Bruins wake up and then all of a sudden we win a game seven and we're hoisting the cup instead of them. You know, the Bruins have done it. I remember we sprayed water at PK Subon. That was not a good fucking move.

I feel like that's what the left is doing here. I don't think that that was a smart move. We shall see. This is like wrestling. This is like wrestling, like he was down for the cover. One, two, and then all of a sudden he's got the fucking, he put his fucking wing tip on the bottom rope. Oh God, here we go again. This should be interesting. Anyway, that's my dumb take on it. So it's still bugging me that guy. You fucking centrist. What a fucking moron. What does that even mean? You fucking asshole who tries to listen to both sides before he makes a decision and doesn't just make a decision on the color of a tie. You fucking jerk off. I mean,

I am a jerk off. Like I'll take stupid all day long. Jesus Christ, did you just listen to me talking about fish earlier? Those weren't dolphins or mammals. Hey, I mean nature's gonna do what like nature does. You know what's a new kind of graffiti in New York? Self-help graffiti. I'm walking on the sidewalk and there's like people like writing graffiti that's like advice. You know, don't lose your soul to sell your shingles or something. I can't remember some sort of alliteration. It's just like, you know, all right. Well, what are you doing? Fucking writing all over the sidewalks? Um, all right. I've overstayed my welcome. Okay, this is the podcast. God bless all of you. Yet, go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll talk to you on Monday.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 6, 2014. Well, some of you probably wondering, hey, Bill, you're a you're a full-blooded fucking American. Right? What are you? What are you coming in with this week's podcast singing the Canadian National Anthem? Oh, Canada. You know why? Because my stupid fucking recorder, for some reason, I got to talk for 30 seconds for it to get the proper, the proper levels. So what am I going to do? Huh? You're singing National Anthem is what you do. I was singing about the walls in my house. Why do people put shit on the walls? All it does is crack the fucking plaster there. But if you don't have pictures on the wall, people think you have bodies in the basement.

Speaking of, oh, Canada, how about those Boston Bruins turning it on when they needed to turn it on? All you fucking fans up there in Ottawa skating down the river on your way to work. What'd you think was going to happen? Did you think that you were going to catch the big bad Bruins? Huh? One of the original six. How dare you, Ottawa? You stand down. You stand down, and you watch that river melt. You watch the water run like the tears going down your fucking frostbitten cheeks because you ain't making the playoffs. Playoffs, the fucking playoffs. The Bruins are. And I'm calling it right now. We're going to play the Montreal Canadians in the first round. And we're game one. We're getting our first win against those fucking silly sock

French fucks. Oh, French people love their silly socks in their little pocket squares. Going to the game with their blue blazer, thinking that they know more than the fucking coach. Those cunts, right? We're beating them in game one. That's what we're doing. What's going to happen in game two? I don't know. I didn't think that far. But if you would like a prediction, I just heard the door slam. I think my wife just woke up. She's pissed at me already. If you would like a prediction, I say that we come out there and we win again. Yep. Then we go down to Boston, right? Oh, shit. We're going to sweep them. We're not going to sweep them. I don't know if we're going to fucking get out of the first round, but I can tell you right now,

if we actually, if I'm a fucking, I'll tell you right now, if I'm a Montreal Canadian fan, I got to be thinking if I'm playing the fucking Bruins, if we lose, if you guys fucking lose to us after the season we had, after the domination that you guys fucking had, you can't tell me that's not creeping in the back. Your little French fucking brain there is, you know, your little wannabe French brain. You're not French. You're Canadian. That's right. You're part of North America. You're part of, you're attached to us. This obesity, it goes right up over the fucking borders, right up to your Timmy hoes with you guys sitting there eating your fucking donuts. What do you think you're better than us? Cause you got you Canadians, you eat

your fucking donuts with your little pinky sticking out, huh? With your loafers and you know socks, your little fucking pocket squares, huh? Is that what you think? I'll tell you right now. The playoff star, I'm going to go a total cliche here. The playoff star, it's a whole new season, everybody zeroes out, they got none to lose. They're playing all the Bruins, they're playing, they're playing desperate. I'll tell you the desperate team was dangerous. Did you guys watch any sports this weekend? Can somebody explain to me how Wisconsin beat Kentucky? Somebody explained to me how a team playing the game of basketball, a team that is wider than my thighs somehow beat the Kentucky Wildcats. See that? That's why you can never be prejudiced. You

can't be racist because it is always going to prove you wrong. I don't know shit about hoop. I don't know shit about college basketball. I don't know shit about a lot of things. And I sat down to watch that game and I'm looking at that number 44 in Wisconsin. I'm like, this guy is a mess. Look at him. He looks like he's in a jam band. This guy does not look like a basketball player. And all of a sudden he's doing all this Kevin McHale stretching around. I don't know, it was a hell of a game. And I actually, I've become a Wisconsin fan just because of, I told you guys this, a couple guys developed a show with and I went on tour with Nate Craig, who's a big Wisconsin guy. And so I like those guys, so I root for that team. But however,

I'm also a big Kentucky fan. So it was this weird thing. I didn't know. I love John Calipari and hey, John fucking Calipari over there. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go with the fucking Caliparis. We'll give you a fuck. I'm going in with a little clam shorts. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I fucking love Italians and I love Italian food. So here's this guy. And then I also like how Calipari is a little shady. You know what I mean? How did he turn that program around in Memphis? Somebody explained to me how I never even knew that Memphis even had a school. Forget about a fucking basketball team the next thing you know, he brings them to the final four. Maybe he didn't. I don't know. I'm just repeating shit I heard other people say.

I'm just repeating shit I heard Bobby Knight pitch about. Huh? That fucking drunk with power maniac. Good Lord. You ever see anybody needs more of a swift kick in the ass than that guy? Jesus Christ, writing his fucking khakis. My hope when they bury with me, they bury with me face down so my critics can kiss my ass. Hey, Bob, whatever you want us to do. That's when he fucking went off the rails. There were some rails and he went off on people speaking of going off the rails. I would like to I'd like to commend a certain channel out there right now that is not responding to a bunch of horseshit that's come in their way.

That's the exact way you handle this this new era of of offended over nothing. This guy tweeted something in 1840. I don't know about this. You got to go back six fucking years to find something bad that somebody tweeted about. Jesus fucking Christ. Even what do you break out of an old borscht belt joke? You know what I mean? Fucking people. Jesus Christ and other comedians getting involved. What the fuck? What is going on? Everybody acting like a bunch of goddamn babies. Fucking grow up. There you go. Bill Burst speaking out vaguely, vaguely at best. So I didn't do shit last night. Oh, I know I did last night. I got absolutely fucking hammered.

Got hammered. When I get drunk, I call the people I love and I leave long rambling messages about how great I think they are. But I'm that guy. So you get mad at me because I call you three in the morning, then you wake up and you just laugh. That was nice. That was nice. He was thinking of me. I actually I have one thing in my office that is hanging on the wall and it's a calendar. It's a pit bull calendar. I don't know why I forget where I got it. I think isn't it called for the love of pit bulls? Isn't that what it's called? I think that's what my calendar is called. It's great. You just look at this adorable pit bull for a whole month, right? Then all of a sudden the month changes like I just changed it this morning from March to April.

And I literally turned the thing and I just went, oh, look at me in the bone. I just laughed at myself, how pathetic I am. You know, even my dog right now, my dog's laying on the floor in its bed. It's got its back to me. It's embarrassed. It's embarrassed by its fucking master. Master. Fucking man, I think give me a fucking break. I'm not as things master. It's running the goddamn house. Shit's whatever it wants to and then I pick it up. I'm the master around. I think so. Does the master walk around? Huh? Then again, the dog is on a leash. I don't know. Sounds like a bad 80s stand up. Why am I the master? I'm gonna pick up the shit. That's a good fucking character, huh? Filthy Seinfeld.

Bad impression of Seinfeld while being completely filthy. I'll work on that. Why? When you put your dick in her eyes? Don't you always grab? Who are these whores? Sorry. I'll go fuck yourself. You fill an hour every week. Anyway, so the Bruins are making the playoffs. I don't even know if they're in yet. I think they're in. I have no idea. We got to play the capitals tonight. Nobody gives a shit. So whatever. So Wisconsin, the fucking whitest team since the Washington Generals is playing Duke. All right? The Duke. The Duke. Sorry. They're playing Duke tonight and I don't know shit about either team. All I know is that Coach K always seems to fucking win these games. So what

do you think is gonna happen, huh? Do you think these cheese eating, yogurt making, ice cream sandwich scarfing down fat fuck of a state is gonna go down? Where are they playing? Are they playing Lucas Oil? You know, they actually annoyed me that they sold it out there at Lucas Oil Field and I was thinking about Jim Ursay making all that fucking money, you know? And it's just like, what is he gonna do now to try to attack the Patriots? Because that fucking jackass can't beat us. Oh, you're cheating. You're a fucking ball. Oh, you fucking cunt. You're such a cunt. You know, you stole our offense. And then you won a Super Bowl. Isn't that enough for you, Jimmy?

Jimmy! So ridiculous. It's the only owner's name that I know. Him and old Bobby Kraft who made all that money with the cheese, didn't he? Which brings us back to Wisconsin. So anyways, I'm gonna watch that game tonight. And I think that's it. I think that's all I got. I don't know what else I'm gonna do. I'm going to, I gotta stop drinking, dude. I drank way too much this fucking week, you know? I have nobody, you know what it is? I have nobody to answer to. All right? You can sit there and say that, you know, you're one of these people, right? Oh, I'm one of these people. I just, you know, everything in moderation. Fuck you. Shut your face. All right? You're wearing too much makeup, first of all. And shut your face.

Okay? First of all, the reason why you don't drink is because you have a fucking boss, which is like having a parent. All right? So I don't want to fucking hear it. You have somebody to answer to. Anybody can be fucking responsible and not drink when they have a child, when they have a boss, when they have somewhere they have to be the next day. All right? When you really find your willpower and what you're made of is when you have none of those things, when you have no children, you have no boss, you have nobody to answer to. Your wife's cool, you know? You snore, she just sends you into the guest room, right? That's when you find whether or not you're an alcoholic or not. That's when you see if you're really gonna pass the

fucking test. And I'll tell you right now, old freckles, old freckles is failing miserably. Oh my God. I was drinking, his buddy of mine was fucking leaving town. So we go out and we fucking drink. He's got a buddy of his. And at one point the guy comes over with like, I don't know what it was. It was some sort of fucking, it was like Red Bull with a Jaeger shot in it. And I have to commend myself for the, everybody fucking drank it, but me, I was like, I'm drinking scotch over. I'm not fucking drinking that. Jesus Christ, fucking my Jesus Christ, fucking mouthwash and a monster drink. What the fuck is wrong with you? What are you homeless? I could literally go out to the dumpster and find something better to get drunk off of.

What the fuck? What if we're Red Bull in a Y, whatever the fuck it was. I was giving all of them shit. Like, why don't you just fucking, you know, do a shot of shampoo and some fucking licorice? Is that what you said, Bill? Well, you know, I don't really remember. I don't really remember. I just remember being smart enough not to drive. I don't do Uber though. I'm old school, man. I get a taxi, but everybody, I'll do it, I'll fucking Uber you home. It's just weird to me, man. I don't like just getting in a stranger's fucking car, you know, without that fucking partition there, some sort of writing on the side of the car, you know, a phone number, somebody you can call when the guy takes out an axe.

I just, I don't understand, like, how lazy are serial killers that they, they can't even fucking muster up? Well, I guess that makes them more. They can't even muster up to fucking wear with all just to become an Uber driver. Why don't you make your life easier? Quit fucking pulling over and dragging people in the car. Why don't you just become an Uber driver? Just let him get in the fucking car. Why don't you just do that? Is there any checks and balances on that? Just fucking show up and there's a guy. Hey, how you doing? Hey, person. I don't know what the company that I don't even know what it is. Does it even exist? Is it in the air? Is it a digital company? I don't understand any of this

shit works. Speaking of that, you know, what's the dumbest fucking thing I've seen in a while is the fucking I watch. I really hope that that thing bombs. Are you really going to sit there watching video like you're fucking, you can't figure out what time it is and you're just staring at your wrist? Is that what you're going to do? All those stupid features? I think they're out of ideas over there. That's what happened. Oh, Steve Jobs died. Right? He's not cracking the whip and those scientists over there, they're getting lazy. What are you going to make next? Huh? Earrings that you can watch YouTube videos on. It's over. Everything that needs to be invented is invented. And that's why all these scientists are, that's

the real reason all these scientists are dying. Have you seen all this shit? Yet another dead scientist. Right? Alberto Behar was a robotics expert for NASA at the JPL. And everybody in science knows that that's the real reason all these scientists are dying. Have you seen all this was a robotics expert for NASA at the JPL. And everybody in science knows that that stands for the jerk plane longitude, whatever the fuck it is. He died instantly. When his single engine plane nose dive is fucking scientists. God damn scientists, right? Nose dive shortly after take off Friday morning from Van Nys airport. He worked on two Mars missions and spent years researching how robots work in harsh environments like volcanoes and underwater.

Well, I can tell you they work in volcanoes. They fucking melt. You had to do research on that. As part of NASA's team exploring Mars with the Curiosity rover. Maybe that's why he killed himself. He had to keep, what project are you working on? Just mumbling curiosity. The what? The Curiosity rover. Awkward silence at the dinner table. And then somebody with the GED starts snickering. Curiosity rover. Let me get, because it's curious. Fucking egg heads, it's the best you can come up with. Behar was responsible for a device that detected hydrogen on the planet's surface as the rover moved. Curiously over the surface, over the surface. 47 year old NASA. Oh, fuck it. All that sounds to me. 47. I'm going to be 47 in June. Does that

mean I'm going to die? 47 year old NASA scientist, Alberto Behar helped to prove that there had once been water on Mars, according to the sad daily mail. Oh, shit. Daily mail is a credible source published to announce his recent death in a plane crash that happened on Friday in Los Angeles, California. While plane crashes do, this is where you go into conspiracy theory right here. While plane crashes do happen, and scientists do die. Do they? Behar's name has now been added to a very long list of scientists and astronomers who've met their untimely ends prematurely, leading us to ask, did Behar know something that they, that they, in quotes, don't want the rest of society to find out? What the fuck could this guy possibly know? I don't understand what people

are saying. Was global warming so overwhelming to him, and he knows that the seas were going to rise, so he just pushed the fucking yoke forward, and that was it. Is that what you're saying? This guy worked on robots. He designed a device that discovered fucking hydrogen existed on Mars. How could that hurt? I remember I used to be in conspiracy theory. I still think that there are conspiracies, and I do think that, you know, I mean, I'm conspiring right now to try to somehow do some fucking hour, and act like this is entertaining, so you guys will listen to this shit, so you'll come out to my shows. This whole fucking thing doesn't even exist. Hey, you are listening to it, thinking you're hearing some sort of truth, right? Right there. I'm going to debunk

all of these things. Why did he die? Because scientists are underpaid, and he didn't have a so he couldn't afford a twin engine. So when this first one, the first one cut out, you know, he was kind of, kind of fucked. Sorry, I don't know. John Rogers, tropic disease expert. Well, maybe he got too close to the disease. And if you see the size of his glasses, I think this is why he, you know what these fucking scientists' problems are, is they read too much, and they ruin their eyes, and then they get, then they start flying planes, and they drive cars, and they hit shit. You know what I mean? It's got to suck. You know what I mean? Is your life is flashing before you in that split second, and then you know the exact way you're going to fucking die, because

you're an egghead scientist. So rather than me just flying towards a tree, doing the Magrubber, no, no, no. They're actually going to think, my brain is going to slam against the front of the cradle vortex. I can do all of that. I wonder if they're going to be brain dead. I mean, this is fucking morbid. All right, Glenn Thomas, AIDS and Ebola expert. Why don't you just work with poisonous snakes while you're at it? Guy's sitting there juggling plagues while he's eating a subway sandwich. No wonder he, let me guess, did he die of Ebola? And a spokesperson for the World Health Organization. Well, isn't that the trifecta? This guy just shuts everybody down at the dinner table. Maybe people were sick of him dominating the conversation. This is my husband,

Glenn Thomas. He's an Ebola and AIDS expert. And when he's not doing that, he's a spokesperson for the World Health Organization. What do you do? I tell shit jokes in a strip mall. Ebola expert, Glenn Thomas, who looks surprisingly like Chris Elliott, was among the 298 people who were killed when a Malaysian Airlines flight MH 17 was shot down and crashed in the UK. Well, what the fuck? Yeah. He got, yeah, I mean, what about all the other people that died on that? But there was some plumbers, a couple of teachers. How come everybody's paying attention to the scientists? You know what this all this shit comes from? It's the fact that everybody knows, everybody knows everybody's got, everybody's got some secrets, right? And you know, there's people

up there, just the excitement they must have, you know, having the cures for diseases or whatever, the just the shit that they know. Like say they, you know, they're talking about this giant fucking iceberg that's going to melt an Antarctica that's going to raise the entire fucking ocean eight feet, which I don't get. It's like how fucking big is at what point is it stop being a glacier? It's just all of Antarctica is melting. You know what I mean? And I don't understand how Antarctica, right? It's just all fucking ice basically is sitting there floating in the fucking drink. You know, if you put, if you put ice cubes in your, in your, this is what I'm really going to sound dumb here. If you put ice cubes in a glass of water, the water goes up. So isn't that ice

already in the fucking water? I don't know what's going on. No bill. It's on land. Is it, is there land underneath there? I don't know what it is. I just thought it was a bunch of frozen water. And the reason for this is the sun is hitting the tops. I used to, you know, for my whole life, everybody told me the reason why I'll ask you guys this, do you know why it's hotter at the equator than it is at the poles? Do you know why? For my whole life, everybody said, well, it's because, you know, it's closer to the sun, you know, because it kind of puffs out, right? Like when you had too many donuts, it's got, you know, or it's got a little muffin top, you know, it's got a lot of water weight down there. Like, so all of a sudden you're whatever,

you're like this close, much closer to the sun. That's actually not the case. Just wait a few guys to fucking yell at me. What's basically is, is it's getting direct sunlight. And as the curvature of the earth goes up, that sunlight angle, it becomes more angled and you're not taking a, it's basically, let's just put it in terms everybody can understand. The equator is getting a facial from the sun. Okay. It's not wearing glasses either. Okay. It's just, it's just taking it right in the face. All right. The poles are kind of looking away and in like falling out of the way, right? That's basically what it is. So it's a glancing blow. They still got a little jizz in their hair, but it's a lot easier to wash off.

And that's why it's harder at the equator than it is in the North Pole. You see that everybody? I'm smart. I know things now like everybody says. So anyways, let's get on. So how did this, how did Glenn Thomas die? He's understood he was one of the, one of more than a hundred researchers who were aboard the flight on their way to an international AIDS conference in Australia. Oh, Jesus Christ. Wasn't it because there was some moron on the ground who couldn't tell the difference between an F16 and a 747? Maybe you had a quota, you know, like those meter maids that just got to start writing tickets and it was getting towards the end of the month. He hadn't shot anything

down yet. And he was just like, fuck it. I don't give a fuck. It's fucking up there moving. I don't give a shit. It's a fucking drone or a goddamn parakeet. I'm shooting that fucking down. And all of a sudden they come flying over. All right. Mark Ferry. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, grope. Hey, you fucking fairy. You had to deal with that. His whole life is poor bastard. 59 years old, nuclear engineer, a renowned American engineer was found dead in his hotel room in Salford after his heart suddenly stopped working. Isn't that mysterious? Isn't that weird that somebody could have a heart attack at 50 died? This is the dumbest conspiracy ever. Mark Ferry, 59 from Tennessee. Well, there you go. He's from Tennessee, grew up on fried food. Jesus Christ, they barely even have books in that state.

The fact that this guy became a nuclear engineer growing up, you know, we didn't have shoes, right? And he just sat there. He was just this fucking anomaly on his crickety front porch, watching his whole fucking family playing instruments they made out of the fucking junk they had in their front yard. And he's just sitting there going, I'm better than this. God damn it. I'm going to start reading. And he did start reading like Johnny Apple seat, except instead of walking, he was fucking letting his eyes walk, walking all over those books, turning them into applesauce. And that's what Mark Ferry did. I'm going to eulogize this guy.

Mark Ferry wasn't dumb like the rest of us in this state. That motherfucker, I know I'm in church. I'm sorry. All right. I'm speaking from the heart here. Okay. Jesus understands that motherfucker. He said, I'm getting out of this state. All right. I'm going to read. I'm going to find me a book. First of all, you know, he had to go to least Georgia to discover he was walking the wrong fucking way. You thought I was going to say something good about Georgia, didn't you? Fuck them. Fuck them bulldogs, right? Go Vols. Go Vols. So this fucker said, wait a minute, I need to go up north. That's where they keep all the books, right?

Because we lost one fucking war and they got to take away all the books. I get it. I get it. So he walks up to Ohio and he found himself a fucking book. And next, you know, he became him. He became a nuclear nuclear engineer. I don't really know what that means. And I don't know what that does, but he did it. You're not going to believe what the fuck just happened. My stupid recorder got full. I fucking eulogize that guy for like another five minutes. God damn it. See, it's a conspiracy. They shut off your little recording thing. Let me finish this.

I got to go back to this guy. Mark Ferry. So he walks up to fucking Ohio, gets himself a goddamn book and he becomes a nuclear engineer. And as I mentioned before, before the fucking Illuminati shut off my fucking recorder, I don't really know what a nuclear engineer is. I just know it takes a long time to say it. So that's some smart shit. But I'll tell you, this is Mark Ferry. All right. And I beat him up. I called him a fairy. I did all that. I never really even liked the guy. Okay. Who the fuck's kidding? Who? I'm sorry, Martha. I had to say it. I'm in God's house. Got to tell the truth. Commandment number seven. Whatever it is. Fucking bitch. She deserves that.

Don't see me outside. Anyways, this Mark Ferry. All right. Despite him leaving Tennessee, he never forgot who the fuck he was. I'll tell you right now. Ain't nobody up north dies of a heart attack at 59. That is some southern shit. All right. You know why that is. You know why that is because I don't give a fuck how far you leave Tennessee. You ain't leaving that diet. You ain't leaving that diet. Them briskets, them ham, hawk, them pig air sandwiches. He probably had, he probably had barbecue grease all over that lab coat. That's right, man. A real southern man. He only met southern man that makes it to 60. If you make it to 60 is the southern man. I hate you. You're laying down with another man. I'm sorry to bring the homophobia into it.

Well, that's true. According to the Bible. So there you go. There you go. Evidently Mark Ferry was not a fairy because he died at 59. I blew somebody once at a truck stop, but I didn't do it in this state. So don't make it gay. Anyways, Mark Ferry. He's dead now. And I'll tell you right now. I don't think you're ever going to see another nuclear engineer coming from this state. You ain't going to see another one like that guy in a long, long fucking time. All right. So everybody raise up your jars. Let's do a shot of shine for Mark Ferry. I record it's still going. It is still going. So basically what you guys missed is as I continue to read these fucking like any conspiracy theory. It's

like the more you start reading, you start believing. Professor Carol Ambruster. Okay. She's 69 years old. 69. You think she had a good run? She was found by her roommate in a kitchen. All right. With a knife in her neck and she'd already been stabbed in the chest. So it's just like, that's usually not what's, you know, this other one had been hogtied and burned to death. It's like, what are these scientists fucking gangbanging now? You know what I mean? I'm starting to believe this shit. His one I actually believe Shane Todd 31 PhD in electrical engineering with an expertise with gals, gallium nitrate nitride. Shane Todd, the man with two first names. All right. Here's the mystery. Dr. Todd felt

increasingly uncomfortable with the work he was doing with the Chinese company. Who, who are we? Who, who are we? Who the fuck are you? No, sorry. I can't. I'm sorry. I can't do that. Maybe if I did in a bad Chinese accent, it would work. Who are we? What the fuck are you? To the point, Shane told his family, sweaty God, who are we? H U A W E I. Man, that must be cheesy commercials. Anyways, to the point, Shane told his family that he was being asked to compromise U S security and he feared for his life. Now this guy got whacked. Of course he did. What the fuck are you doing, dude? You'll be over your fucking, you're wearing the wrong fucking lab coat here. Melissa Canoody. Scientists have weird names. She was hogtied and burned. Now I'm starting to believe

this shit. This guy 58 died of a heart attack. Zachary died of a fucking boating accident. That happens, right? Potomac. Everybody's hammered on the fucking Potomac. Another heart attacks. Heart attacks are dismissed. Here's a weird one. Fan John Mang and Chung Yang Zhang, sweaty God. Chung Yang Zhang. Table for two for Chung Yang Zhang drowned in a Branson hotel swimming pool. Both were in China. Both were from China and were working. Dude, how the fuck does two people drown, two adults drown in a fucking hotel swimming pool? They don't even have deep ends anymore. Right? All you got to do is stand up. I mean, I'm going to go up. Maybe they got drunk. It's like fucking two bouncy steps into the side. You got something to hang on to.

Ah, Jesus Christ. I'm starting to believe this shit. Gregory Stone, 54 from an unknown illness. Well, that happens. Bradley, 56 died in a car crash. Well, you know, they're reading, then they don't have good eyes. Dr. Masood Ali Mahamedi, 50 was assassinated January 11th, when a remote controlled bomb inside of his motorcycle near his car was detonated. I mean, that happens. That happened to a buddy of mine the other day. The professor of nuclear physics at Tehran University was politically active. Oh yeah. Yeah, he this guy got whacked. You should see his picture too. It's like he knows it's coming. Yep. Got a couple more days left for this shit. Jack P. Wheeler, the third 66 last seen December 30th, found dead in Delaware,

a Delaware landfill. Yeah, he got whacked. Anytime you end up in a landfill, fought to get the Vietnam Memorial built and was served and served in two Bush administrations. His death has been ruled a homicide. Yeah, of course it has. Christ, that guy's a fucking hero. That's a terrible one. This is a horrible website. I can't stop reading it. Mark A. Smith, 45. Dude, this guy looks like he's 90. That's 45. I'm a year older than that guy. Renowned Alzheimer's disease researcher has died after being hit by a car in Ohio. Is that suspicious? I don't know. I'm not even gonna try to say this woman's name. She was dead of an apparent suicide by cyanide at a temple terrace hotel. She left a suicide note saying she used cyanide. Hazmat team officials said the cyanide

was found only in a granular form, meaning it was not considered dangerous. Outside of the room, it was founded. The chemicals considered more dangerous in a liquid or gas form. Potassium cyanide, the apparent cause of death is a commonly commonly used by, well, I don't understand what the fuck that is. I mean, she said she used cyanide. It's fucking right there. Another woman died of the hand to Amy Bishop. Her background was in, Jesus, who would have thought it's so fucked? These guys are dying like bloods and crypts here. Anyways, let's get to the enough of that shit. I don't even know what to believe anymore. I don't even know what to say anymore. What's going on? All right, let's get to some of the questions here for the week. No,

no, no, what am I doing? I'm gonna get to some of the advertising. There you go. Let's get back to the bullshit here. Do you guys have a nice Easter? I had an awesome Easter. My mother-in-law came over, right? And she actually wanted to go to brunch. Okay? And I was just like, oh, I was like, oh, Jesus. Oh my God, I thought this was a day of celebration. Why would you drag us into the hell of brunch on fucking Easter? Are you out of your mind? Right? That's how cool my wife is. I just say to myself, she goes, do you want to go to brunch with me and my mother on Easter? I was like, no, I don't. I don't want to do that. Why don't we go drinking on St. Patrick's Day? Why don't we go out on New Year's and go to Times Square? The fuck are we doing here? She's like, I know.

That's right. I go, why don't we just have brunch at home? I'll make some eggs. I'll throw in some fucking waffles. Whatever you want. I'll cook it, right? She goes, I got one better for you. Why don't we just order some fucking Chinese food? That's what we did. Chinese food on Easter. Don't Jewish people eat Chinese food on Christmas? I gotta tell you, I loved it on Easter. Why stop on Christmas? Those Jews, I'm telling you, they're on to something. This fucking Chinese food on Christian holidays, I'm all about it, dude. It was awesome. We had, what do we have there? We had, we had, we had, I don't know what the fuck, we had crab, rangu, all that deep fried shit that's fucking sloshing around on my belly right now was tremendous. And then she showed up with

a lemon meringue pie. And that was my Easter. No bunny, right? No fucking going down to church and you got to listen to the Jesus story over and fucking over again. You know what I mean? It's such an amazing story. You think that they could make a good movie about it. You know what I mean? I mean, technically it should be better than all of those born identities, but it isn't. I don't know what they need. They should make just, you know, if I look the Catholic Church, who's kidding who? It's sliding down a grease pole. You know, nobody's buying, nobody's going anymore. All right. It's like, it's like the Jacksonville Jaguars of the fucking religions. As far as, you know, old stadium, nobody's showing up, plenty of seats. What do you want to sit down

front? Get it. You got it. It's all you can hang out with the fucking players afterwards. So what I would do is I would, I would invent like the I Catholic Church, you know, just rip off Apple to get these kids, you get flat screens in there, right? You do, you get Tupac, whatever they did to him where he became the homogenized version. What the fuck is it? The Holiograph? What the hell is it because of the H? A holograph? Uh, a little cue? Whatever the fuck it is. You do that, but you just do it with the priest. You have some of the best priests of all time, the Tupacs, the fucking biggie smalls of priests, and you bring them back to life just like, even fuck it, you just bring Jesus back.

That's what you do. You have them up there, right? He comes down from the fucking all pixelated, coming down from the ceiling. You know what I mean? And people don't believe it's him at first. Oh, what are you? Did you fucking make that? You shoot that with a potato laughing my ass off on the floor over here, shaking my head. That guy, you know, you got to take a little shit from the Twitter Ratsi, right? And then all of a sudden you just, you just keep saying, no, that's actually Jesus, right? And if you watch that thing on Scientology like I did, you know what I mean? What you learn other than the fact that it just takes 2,600 lawsuits at the same time and the IRS will cave. That's the only thing I learned. Other than that is that, you know,

is that they all they dress like they're in Buck Rogers, which is, you know, it's kind of cool, right? I'm into space movies now. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. You get some flat screens, right? You get some Chinese food. You go easy with the guilt. And you bring them back, you know? And you try as hard as you can to not fuck any more children. And I think you could turn this business around. This is like that's, what is that? What is that show where the guy comes in and he tries to fix your bar? What's it called? Bar fixer, huh? Dive doctor, whatever the fuck there's some stupid name, right? He comes in, your fucking beer tap smell like my wife's vagina on July when she gets off an elliptical, right? Just screaming at people about their dumb ass bars.

You just got to do that with the Catholic church. You just go in there screaming. Why is that guy fucking a child? Right? And you turn the whole fucking thing around. What would it be? It's got to be a little iteration like Christ fixer, but it's got to be with another C cry. Christ crier. Jesus jamming. I don't know what the fuck you call it. Christian mingle. How bad is that? Christian mingle. How fucking creepy is mingle? Let's get on here and mingle. I really want to see your tits. It just seems like you just be mumbling a bunch of shit. I want to see your tits in a fucking three way. Sorry. All right, here we go. Let's read some of the, let's read some of the fucking questions here for this week, shall we? Well, I don't give a

shit. I'm running shit. Okay. By the way, if you'd like to email me, if you'd like to hear me read out loud something that you wrote and butcher it, emails can be sent to bill at the mmpodcast.com. If you would like to follow us on Twitter, you can go to at the mmpodcast. All right, here we go. Here we are. Okay, some real rough one here. Okay. All right. Is my husband too cheap? Dear Bill, I'm a 34 year old fucking lady and have been married for six years. I'm hoping you can help me with some advice on my marriage. For the most part, my husband and I are pretty similar, but we have completely different outlooks on finances. Already, already, I'm already thinking sexist shit here. So I got to stop. All right. I'm picturing you just buying

a bunch of dumb shit that and you're fucking you're driving them to an early grave. But let's see. Maybe maybe maybe this guy is a cunt. Be open minded here. All right. Open mind. All right. My husband works full time and I work part time myself and I'm and I start up my husband works full time and I work part time myself and am a housewife. I swear to God, that's how she wrote the sentence. Should be and I am a housewife and am a housewife. You never have fucking three short words that begin with a in a row. Myself and am a housewife and Emma and Emma housewife. That sounds like my husband works full time and I work part time myself and I'm a housewife. I get it. You fucking spoke this into a speaker, right? That little magic device in your phone.

Early in our marriage, we both work full time, but it became difficult for me when I would clean the house on days off and he would not be helpful in sharing those duties. Oh, this guy's old school, lifting his feet up as you come by with the fucking swifter. He would pause. He would just play video games and I'm not a clean freak or anything. I just don't like living in a shit show of a house. Oh my God. I fucking love this woman. You're right up my alley. Before we were married, he would let dirty laundry pile up for weeks before he washed Jesus Christ. This guy's an animal. I probably should have spoke to him about it. Spoke to him about that before we got married or lived together first, but I did not see it as a huge issue at a time. Oh, you were

young. What did you know? Anyways, after a year of marriage, we decided that the best way would be for me to do the housework and work part time and make dinners while he worked full time. Jesus Christ, this fucking guy is crushing it. You know, he's got an old school wife here. Listen, listen, you quit your dream. I'll live mine when I come home. You better have this place tidy with the fucking steak on the table. All right. Here's the issue. Here is the issue with our marriage and I would love your opinion. This is where if I was her girlfriend, we'd be clasping both hands, both of our hands across the table. This is what I need you. Okay. Oh, I'm here for you, Karen. I'm here for you. Just get it out. My husband is very,

is very conservative with our money. This guy doesn't have one redeeming fucking thing. He's a slob. He's a fucking tight ward. I hate this guy. He will save and keep our 20 grand in our finances for any. Well, that's smart though. I don't know. He is kind of smart. He will save and keep our $20,000 in our finances for anything that could happen. I admire it and think it's very smart. However, he loses sleep over it and we rarely will go out and do anything together as a couple. Yeah, this guy's he's taking it too far. All right. We make enough money between the two of us to pay our bills and save mind you. Hey, you don't get a fucking reprimand me. Um, he gives me a some amount allowance every month to buy groceries and other personal items.

If I use another card, he will confront me and tell me not to use the other debit card. And if I am low on funds for groceries, we need to buy ramen for the rest of the month. All of our arguments are about money. I believe in saving money, but at the same time, I think it's great to live a little and buy items for enjoyment from time to time. I love to go out somewhere fun. I'd love to go out somewhere fun on a date. Oh my God, dude, this is sad. With my husband without him worrying about money the whole time, I can't buy concert tickets without asking him first to surprise him. Likewise, he never surprises me with anything either. If this thing ends with you on your fucking hands and knees scrubbing the floorboards because he

wouldn't even buy you a fucking Swiftie. Um, what should I do? I've confronted him about how I think his fear is unhealthy. Am I wrong? I'm telling you, she goes, I'm telling you it's a rough one. Okay. I love it. I love that you threw that in there. She's got a sense of humor. This I think this woman's cool. Thanks. I love your comedy. Listen to the podcast every week. Uh, go fuck yourself. Um, all right. Yeah, this, this woman's a fucking champ. The amount of shit she's putting up with. All right. She's got a sense of humor. She's listening to the podcast. I, I, you know, I, I, oh, maybe she's snowing me. I think, I think, I think you're totally cool. Yeah, this guy needs to fucking, he needs to relax. Um,

I don't know. What would you do here? Just say, look, something's got to change here. All right. Cause I haven't been to a fucking cheesecake factory in like nine years. All right. You gotta take me. This guy, this guy, you know what it is? He doesn't understand. He doesn't understand women. He doesn't, he doesn't, he doesn't get it. You guys like to go out. All right. And I think you're cool enough that, you know, what the fuck doesn't like to go out. That's such a dumb thing I just said. I, you know, I'm too stupid to explain it, but I totally get what you're at. This guy needs to take you out. All right. He needs to remind you why you guys fell in love. He needs to, you know, just go every once in a while. Just say,

you know what, fuck it. Let's go out and just blow fucking a couple hundred bucks on a meal. All right. That's it. And then we just, Jesus Christ, if you spend too much money, it's ramen noodles. I mean, this guy, it's like, this guy sounds like he grew up during, during the depression. I, and you, and you're nice enough to admire that he thinks about fucking money. You got 20 grand saved up, which is better than most people. He could just loosen the purse strings, let a couple of nuggets fall out once every six weeks for Christ's sake. What do you do there? How do you go about that? I don't know, a tight ward. That's a tough one, man. A cheap guy is just,

just a cheap person. They just fucking cheap. That's like, you're not even going to enjoy life for Christ's sake. Um, I think you got to start roofing in him. I hate to say it, but you know, every once in a while, the date rape drug is, uh, it's called for. I think you need to fucking, this is what I would do. No, you can't do that. So you can't do that. That's fucking, I'd say I would just fucking give him the date rape drug, let him pass out at the table, and I would just go out and booze it up and then I'd come home and it'd be like, and he'd just be like, did I fall asleep at the kitchen table again last night? Yeah, you did. It was weird.

It was like you were eating the ramen noodles. It just, you went face down in it. I'll tell you, thank God you're too cheap to boil water and that water was at fucking room temperature. You might have burned your face. Um, I, you either got a rufium or as in go out, or you got to, or you got to just say, listen, I need to go out. Okay. I can't keep living like some fucking broad and a fucking miserable fairy tale that's waiting for his for a fucking prince charming to show up. All right. Here's the deal. Fuck. Oh, once a month you're taking me out. All right. You're making me feel like a fucking lady. You're making me feel attractive. All right. Or I'm going to start fucking working again. I'm sitting here watching your sweaty balls

fucking underwear and you can't even take me to a goddamn Chuckie cheese. Huh? You cheap cunt. I don't know how to do it. You know what? Maybe he's listening to this dude. Take her out for Christ's sake. All right. Listen, the dollar is going to collapse anyway. See a 20 grand isn't going to be worth shit. So why don't you go out and fucking buy a pork chop with it while you still can. There you go. All right. Here we go. Fear of damnation. Dear Bill growing up Catholic. Oh, Jesus. My parents instilled me instilled me with a healthy fear of damnation. Like so many others as I got older, I grew away from the church, but the fear of going to hell was never far from my mind. This is why it's funny that everybody made fun of the fucking Scientology movie. Just

saying it's a cult. Those people are fucking crazy as opposed to what the shit we're doing. I love Scientology for the simple fact that they sued the fucking IRS and they went, all right, all right, all right, Jesus Christ, these people are crazy. They beat the IRS. That goes a long fucking way. All right, a couple of kids die every year due to the common cold. But other than that, I think it's a good religion. Over the course of my life, I've had many opportunities to wrong others. Some were out of necessity and some due to my own greed or poor judgment. Jesus, this took a fucking left turn. Did I miss a paragraph? I lie awake at night with the details of each sin running through my mind. How it affected

those people I hurt and what their lives would be like had I never altered it with my own destructive presence. What the fuck did you do to these people? This guy sounds like a worse person than me. The sins weigh on me as they should. And I wondered if I'm going to burn in hell for the things I've done or if I could possibly turn it all around. The Bible provides some details about the afterlife, but doesn't get too specific about how each person is, but it doesn't get too specific about how each person is tormented when they reach hell. Well, don't ever read Dante's Inferno. You don't want to read that. My biggest fear is that after I die, I would arrive and while burning in the internal fire, your podcast would be playing on a loop.

That's fucking hilarious. Please help me. I'll do anything. Give the charity, save a puppy, whatever it takes. I have to redeem myself somehow, so I won't have to hear your voice yammering on about the NFL and cackling at your own jokes forever. You got me, you son of a bitch. That's fucking hilarious. All right, icebreaker. Bill, I'm terrible at starting a conversation with the girl. I'm good in an actual conversation. I'm wondering why that guy, why don't you just not listen to the podcast? You know what I mean? Maybe he listened to one and I was so fucking annoying or you know, it's even better. Maybe he works with somebody and they played in like the warehouse.

Dude, I'm sorry. I know I'm annoying. I can't argue with anything you said. Icebreaker. Bill, I'm terrible at starting a conversation with the girl. I'm good in an actual conversation. What does that mean? Oh, okay, so you can just like if somebody says, hey, welcome to fucking Denny's. Can I help you? You're like, yeah, I'd like pigs in a blanket. Dude, I'm crushing, crushing that shit. Anyways, but I rarely get, anyways, I'm good in an actual conversation, but I rarely get there because it starts off bad. What advice can you offer? Do you have any lines or topics that would work? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Dude, you're just going to have to learn to have a sense of humor about yourself. You're going to have to fucking bomb. You're just going to have to go up

and bump you. There's no fucking, Hey, baby, what's your sign line that works? You got to just come up. Here's the thing. Don't if you're not good at hitting on women, don't go to a fucking meat market. All right. What you got to do is you got to chat them up while you're just doing Jesus, dude, it's been so long since I've been fucking singing. I was never good in the meat market bars. I was always better. Like I met women on the train. I met them in like the fucking gym. I met them like, uh, like when we were doing, like we're both riding on a fucking train. You know what I mean? And there's no, they don't, they have that guard up. I guess you're not going to be a mugger. What the fuck would I do? Why would I talk to him on a train? I would just wait for

someone. If I saw someone that I liked on a train, the only way I could start up a fucking conversation is if some crazy homeless guy got on the fucking, you know, some crazy person got on the subway and everybody's got that, oh shit. And then you make eye contact with them. And then I always had a joke about the fucking homeless guy. That's right. I took the piss out of somebody who didn't have a house and that would break the ice. And then maybe, you know, you know, you're on the subway. It's like speed data. You got to try to get the fucking number before they get off. But if you're not good at conversation, you got to, you got to get good at it. And I would say that Jim, Jim's kind of creepy. Hey, what are you working on? You know, she's fucking bent over,

doing bent over rows, whatever the fuck it is. The only advice I have you, it's just like doing standup. You just have to get on stage and you just, you have to figure it out. So that's what I would do. I would get over your fear of bombing by getting out there and just bombing and have a sense of humor about how fucking bad it's going. Laugh at yourself and just keep swinging away. Just keep swinging away. I don't know. Just go go run burgundy. Just be like overly arrogant about yourself. How fucking awesome you are and just say that you know that she's thinking all this awesome shit about you. You know, if you're an average looking guy, she'll think it's fucking hilarious. And you kind of taking the piss out of yourself. There's

that angle. You know what I mean? I mean, I don't, I don't fucking know. Can I ask a married guy? I have no fucking idea anymore. Somebody help this guy. You know what? Why don't you guys, why don't you guys send me in your best icebreaker lines? The only one I think I ever had a good opening fucking line was when I wanted to hit on this woman who was, I already told you this, I wanted to hit on this woman who was with this woman who was a redhead. And I walked up my, what did I say? I said, oh, I go, oh, hey, another redhead. I go, you going to the meeting? And then a friend left. And then the redhead thought I was into her and I had to do like, you know, that swim move that rushers do when they're trying to get to the

quarterback, I had to fucking push her out of the way and talk to the brunette. And then she was like fucking annoyed that I was hitting on her. And then her friend, I think caved to the pressure of her country friend, or maybe she just looked at me like, I don't want to fucking talk to you. I made her laugh though. I got one laugh. I think I got one laugh in all my years in those meat market bars. Fucking horrible. Fucking horrible. You know what, dude? I don't know. You're asking another person that's stunk at it. I can't help you. So how about, how about listeners, give me your best and your worst fucking opening lines, your best and your worst results. And I'll read those next week or whatever. And with any luck,

that guy who hates me, someone will be playing it in the fucking background. Neighborhood bully. Hey, Billy bag of donuts. Hey, Bill, I am 15 years old. And I want to know how to deal with the kid who was bullying my six year old brother. You go fuck them up. Step on his head. We live in a cul-de-sac and all the neighborhood kids know each other. They often play at the end of the cul-de-sac in somebody's backyard. I just recently learned that my friend's brother sometimes brings over a friend who's seven years old and this kid goes over to the backyard at the end of the cul-de-sac without the person who brought him and starts playing with the kids who belong to the neighborhood. Jesus Christ. Isn't that just called kids playing with each other?

Now it's all supervised. The problem is that the kid is an asshole. It calls my brother's names, calls my brother names for no reason. I know my younger brother isn't lying based on his body language. Now I need your advice on what I should do. I told my brother to come get me so I could come over and talk to him. I was going to be as intimidating as possible without yelling or being threatening by completely keeping my calm and emotional and emotionless as he tried. Wait a minute. What the fuck just happened to this sentence? I was going to be as intimidating as possible without yelling or being threatening by keeping completely calm and emotionless as he tried to bust my balls. Wait, what the fuck happened with that sentence? That was in the

past and in the present. You tried to do that and then he bust your balls? I don't know what's going on here. I don't necessarily know if this is a good idea. I was looking for advice. Should I tell my friend's mom so this little shit can never come back? Thanks and go fuck yourself. PS, if you are reading this on Friday, April 3rd, it's my birthday. I'm not reading it Friday, April 3rd, but happy belated birthday. All right, that fucking email was in like 12 different time zones. So what should you do? I don't know. Just walk up to him. You're 15, he's 7. Hey, you. You know what's great about that age? If you catch him off guard with a hey, they might piss themselves a little bit. You just walk up right behind him. You just go, hey, like that. You fucking peas

himself. Hey, can I talk to you? Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, that's my little brother over there. He's telling me you keep calling him bad names. What's what's going on with that? I mean, just let him sit in the awkward silence. And then when he tells you why he's doing it, just say, look, you keep doing that to my brother. I don't know. I'm just, I don't know what I'm going to do, but I just keep picturing my entire hand covering your face and then me throwing your whole body like a baseball over that fucking fence. You don't want me to do that because you weigh enough where you might land on top of the fence and that could, uh, that could poke into your innards there.

Do you want me to do that? Because I don't want to do that. All right, well then stop fucking with my brother, you little shit. That's what you do. I don't know. Don't do that. You have to be an adult. You have to go over to that fucking kid's awful mom and say, Hey, can you fucking, you know, you're awful fucking kid? I know you're a single parent. That's why your kid stinks. All right, legal zone, everybody, but you are are. All right, that is it for that. Mercifully, reading out loud portion is fucking over. All right, don't save. Let's click over here. Let's read the last, the last couple here. Oh, the last one. 20 year old blonde female request. All right, that's already annoying because you feel like what? Why, why do I need to know you're

a blonde female and how old you are? Huh? You're trying to get preferential treatment here, lady? No. Okay, Bill, my boyfriend and I absolutely love your podcast. You're our favorite comedian. Yada, yada, yada. Could you ask? I'm not going to say the name in your next podcast to marry me, and I'm not saying your name. Go fuck yourself. Love this person. P.S. When are you coming to Portland, Oregon? I'm going to be coming to Portland in June. I'm putting together another little bus run that will include it's going to be Portland, Oregon, Eugene, no, Eureka. Sorry. Oh, sorry. Sorry to people in Oregon. I just fucked up. Portland, Oregon, Eureka, California. Where else? Fresno. Why don't I just fucking look it up here?

It's all going to tie into that Vegas tour. And then I think we end up somewhere in Tucson. It's going to be great. It's going to be me and Joe Bartnick. And I think I'm going to get lawhead on a couple of those fuckers too. It's going to be a great time. So anyways, as far as me, will I ask your boyfriend to marry you? No. Why would I ever do that to another man? First of all, you're only 20 years old. You're too young to get married. All right. And as a guy, like the amount of guy code I would be breaking to put this guy in that fucking position, there's no fucking way I would ever do that. You know what I mean? And since I've been married, I've never been that person that said to a couple that isn't married.

You know what I mean? How are you guys going to get married? We have kids. When are you having kids when you shut the fuck up? That's when we're having kids. All right. That is the podcast for this week, everybody. Congratulations to the Wisconsin Badgers and the Duke Blue Devils. I'm hoping for a great game tonight. And my condolences to the fans of Kentucky and Michigan State. I watch both of those games. You know me, I'm a fucking, I love college hoop, but I'm a fair weather fan, man. I watch a lot of hockey. And then this time of year, I always jump in and I jump in. I just watched the final four games and then I watched the final. That's all I do. So I don't know what to tell you. All right.

I'm a bandwagon guy. I am showing up with a brand new final four fucking hat tonight. I'm going to watch it over a buddy. My house is actually a Duke Blue Devil fan. So I don't know who I want to win this one. I like coach K winning another one just so he can become more of a legend. But I'm trying. Let me look this up. This last time Wisconsin won a fucking championship. Wisconsin. How do you spell it? Wisconsin. How do you smell it? Wisconsin. Stop eating fucking cheese. Uh, bass. Last basketball. Why don't I put the fucking microphone down so I can type faster. Last basketball. You guys can get on with your day at this point. This is just for me, championship. There's some fat guy driving a Chevy love somewhere in fucking Rhinelander right now

with a big red jacket on screaming. Um, college basketball, badgers men's basketball. All right. Here we go. Here it is. Here at Wikipedia. We're going to go on Wikipedia. I'm going to guess that they won it in the 1950s. Let me see. Let me see. Let me see. All right. What do you got here? NCAA tournament champions. They won in 1941. They made it to the final four in 1941, 2000, 2014 and 2015. They're crushing it this century. The elite eight, 41, 47, 2000, 2005. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. They haven't won it since fucking Hitler was still alive the last time these guys won. I got a root for them. I got a root for the underdogs. All right. So I'm going to root for the badgers tonight. Although I like both teams. I don't

give a fuck. I have weird allegiance. You know, I'm one of those people I like Ohio State and Michigan all at the same time. Cause you know, I'm not from either state. I don't give a fuck. I just want to see a good game. And I'm really happy that, um, that that fucking guy with Bill Clinton hips is now coaching fucking, um, Michigan, the fuck's his name. Captain come back there. John Wesley Harding. I can't remember anybody's name. His brother coaches the Ravens and thinks there's not enough air in the balls. And that's why he fucking loses. Jim Fassel. I don't fuck it. Jerry Tarkanian. I have no idea. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you everybody for listening. Uh, this week, all freckles is coming to Florida. Florida is not

part of the South. Don't ever forget that. Florida is Florida. Texas is Texas. The South is the South. I am going to be, um, I'm going to be, uh, April 10th. I'm doing two shows at the Fillmore in Miami beach and I'm doing two shows April 11th at Ruth Eckerd Hall in Tampa. Um, and there you go. And then I come back for a couple of days and then the, uh, the Bible Belt tour starts kicking it off. Can't fucking wait. Oh, this is going to be a fun month. April 18th, Savannah, Georgia, right? Savannah, Georgia, 19th. We go up to Johnny Knoxville, Tennessee, April 20th, Chattanooga, Tennessee, April 21st, Memphis, Tennessee, right? April 22nd, Shreveport, Louisiana, April 23rd, New Orleans. We hang there for a couple of days, get shitty,

get sideways. We get back on the bus, April 26th, Huntsville, Alabama. Fuck are you looking at? Then we drive back April 27th to Jackson, Mississippi, April 28th. We go to Mobile, Alabama. Get the fuck out of here. I didn't know I was going there. Holy shit. Holy shit. Um, the fuck song is that? I don't know what the hell it is. Um, who's that fucking guy? If you want to, you know something, I actually feel bad for that guy that doesn't like that I laugh at my jokes because there's that rapper who laughs at his shit and he drives me up the fucking wall too. Who's that guy where he's like, and I agree. That fucking idiot. He does that shit, but I'm still looking at him titties. It's just like, okay, dude, look at her titties. Like, I don't know what you're snickering about.

Mobile, Alabama, man, they built all those fucking ships in World War two. I learned that watching that Kent Burns documentary. Wow. Mobile, Alabama. That's fucking legendary. Then we're driving up to Lexington, Kentucky. Oh my God, this is going to be the sickest fucking tour ever. And then we go to Evansville, Indiana. And then May 2nd, we go to the Kentucky Derby. All right, go fuck yourselves. Come on. It's tremendous. Um, so anyways, that is the, uh, the podcast and, uh, you know what? I'll do a little, uh, I'll do a little preview here, a little preview of my other tour in June. You guys don't listen to the podcast. It's over, man. You're just listening to me fucking talking to myself in my apartment

at this point. Um, all right, none of these are confirmed except for the Vegas state. All right, but rumor has it. All right. I heard a rumor that, that bill is going to be in Portland, Oregon. Uh, going to be in, uh, Eureka, California. I got a Reno date, possibly Santa Rosa, San Jose, Fresno, Bakersfield, Highland. And, uh, then I'm definitely doing two nights in, uh, Vegas at the Mirage Casino and then Tucson, Arizona. This is, this is the idea that we're trying to put this fucking thing together. And, uh, I go on there with Joe Bartnick and then he's going to have to jump off the bus, go do a couple of dates with Percy, and then, uh, I'm going to get a lot ahead on a couple of those. That's, that is the, that is the gameplay as this

comes together. Um, so anyways, I'm babbling. So you