Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-7-16

Episode Date: April 7, 2016

Bill rambles about fat bosses, being brave and counting to seven.

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just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? How are you? How's your week going? Are you having a rough one? Well, it's okay. It's almost over. It's Thursday, you know. Don't you hate your boss a little less on Thursday? He comes in, hey, go over there and do what I say. And you're like, oh, chubby cheeks.

You know, would you love to say that to him? Just grab his muffin top. Oh, he wants me to do something. Can you technically get fired for that? All you have to do is just when you're going in for the disciplinary meeting, you just stay in the pocket. Just be like, I have no problem doing what this man says,

but I can't fight the fact that I think he's adorable. Let me look at him. Don't you want to go up there and give him a little, you know? We'll put on a tie today, you know? That's a fucking great way to get your ass fired. I don't know what, if everybody does it though, I don't know the strength in numbers. Is this like a Sally Field movie?

Should I be fucking standing up holding a sign? You know, Union, right? So brave. It was so brave what she did in the mind. Is there any word more overused in the entertainment, specifically the movie acting business than brave? Jesus fucking Christ. Has any actor ever looked up that fucking word?

The way you went out there with that bandana, it was such a brave performance. Jesus Christ, you know, just go over to craft service and get yourself something that has yogurt in it. You fucking stupid, you know, courageous, brave, important. This was a story that needed to be told. Oh my God, those fucking award shows. And it never dawns on them the irony that everything we're wearing,

including with the sweatpants and t-shirt I have on right now, is all made in a sweatshop by some crying child at fucking three in the morning and whatever, Honduras or some shit, right? And they're all up there acting like they give a fuck about people. It's like you don't. You want to go in there. You want fucking Ruth Buzzy or whatever fucking name is

to say what you're wearing looks good, you know? And then you want to win the shiny thing. And you want to cry and thank your mother and pretend you're down to earth and go back to your fucking infinity pool. That's what you really want to do, right? Do a little fucking, you know, have Jack Nicholson come over, do some blow off your titties.

You know, if you're a guy, you know, who knows what you want to do out here? I didn't know what I'm talking about. You know, I'm just having one of those scatterbrained days and I went to bed early last night, you know, as I always do. Whenever I go on tour with Verzi and Bartnick, I think all of us, like, for the next three days have to, like, dry out and try to get about,

oh, about 14 hours sleep. So, yeah, I'm off the booze. I'm off the cigars. You know, the usual fucking thing. I'm all over the goddamn place. And oh, fuck, you know what somebody told me yesterday? Here's a new thing, all right? How fucking in this fucking world

that just keeps getting more and more creepy. You know, that whole big brother thing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then people will say, well, big brother turns out it's actually us. And it is. It is, because we just keep going along with this shit. Listen, Bill, just tell the fucking story before you go on your stupid little rant here.

All right. So a buddy of mine tells me the other day, right, that a friend of his came over to do some work on his house because if you own a house, you're constantly trying to fix it so it doesn't fall down. That's what they don't tell you, you know, when they show the commercial and the real estate commercials, you know, a wide picket fence golden retriever.

Your wife had six kids and she's still hot, right? That's not the other song goes. Anyways, they're all running around. They're, you know, ridiculously green front yard playing frisbee. You know, the dog's not trying to eat anybody. The wife's laughing. The kids are all good looking, right? Everything's fine, right?

Nobody has a list. Nobody has, you know, fucking jealousy issues. You know, the guy doesn't have dad bought. He's basically crushing it. And you just look at it and you're like, you know what, if I buy a house, you know, I know I'm not going to look like that, but is that the mood I'm going to be in? It's like a drug, right?

So anyways, he fucking, he fucking has this guy's buddy come over to do some work. So he goes to pay him. And is it all good guys do? Ah, you don't need to pay me. You don't need to pay me. And he's like, no, come on. I want to pay you.

No, I'm telling you, I'm not going to accept it. Just take the fucking money, right? They had to do a sketch like that with two polite friends and it ends up in a knife fight. And one person finally kills the guy and then fucking stuffs the money in his mouth. Should they do a sketch like that? I think they should.

Anyway, so he goes, finally, the guy goes, you don't have to pay me. Just get me a case of beer. So the guy goes, fine. So the closest place to add a little bit of liquor was CVS. So he goes down to CVS. He buys the fucking case of beer and the lady behind the lady behind the counter goes, do you have an ID? And he's looking at it like bitch, I'm 50.

But he goes, do you really think I, you know, you don't think I'm of age? She goes, no, I need to swipe your license. And she goes, for what? She goes, oh, basically for health insurance purposes, they record, you know, if you drink or not, and if you drink, your premium goes up because you're a drinker. Now what the fuck does CVS give a shit about ratting everybody out who's a fucking booze face out there, right?

Because you know what it is? The money that they're going to fucking be able to knock up, you know, on your premium to pump it up, CVS gets a little kickback. That's how it fucking works. It's like when I drive you to fucking amazon.com, right? If you go through my website, they give me a little aid. Thanks for sending some business our way. Break you off a couple of honeys, right?

But I'm not costing you any more money. I'm the hero in this. I don't cost you any more money whether you go directly to Amazon. If you go through my website, it doesn't make any difference to me. And I'm also not ratting you out. What I'm trying to say here is I am a way better person than CVS. No, I'm fucking with you. Look, we're all trying to make money out here, but that's really,

it's fucking ridiculous. I actually, I was trying to look at from the insurance company side of it because you know goddamn well everybody goes in there and lies. Do you smoke? No. You drink? No. I mean, maybe I'll have a beer.

I don't know on the 4th of July to support the troops. Do you engage in any drug activity? Well, I mean, food's a drug so technically yes, but I mean that others. No, no, I wouldn't. Do you have unprotected sex with prostitutes? Listen, I got a phone call. Can I take this? You know, you know the deal you lie your fucking ass off.

You're going to get life insurance. You're going to lie your fucking ass off. Right? So on one side, I actually have empathy for insurance companies because I understand that aspect of it, provided they ever fucking paid out any goddamn money remotely like they said they were going to. You know the deal.

You pay for insurance. They say you're covered and you say to them, hey, if this happens, am I going to be covered? Hey, I got the old stub the toe insurance. So if I wake up in the morning, I stub my toe. Okay, I'm a man. I can take it. But if I break my fucking toe, okay.

You know, my job is to skip on stage every night. If I have to take a night off, can you, can you kick me, you know, the fucking $25 feature spot money? Can you kick that to me? They're like, absolutely. I go, all right. So if I break my toe, stub my toe in my house and cover. Absolutely.

You're covered, right? Now what happens? You stub your toe, you break it, you fucking call them up. They're like, okay, I got to send it through the, you're not getting paid quadrant, a quadrant of the fucking insurance company. Then they come back and what do they do? They'll give you like fucking 13 bucks instead of the 25.

Now I know 13 between 25 doesn't seem like a lot of money, right? But you just ratchet that up there, right? What if they owed you 250 and only gave you 130? What if they owed you 25 grand and they only gave you fucking six? That's what the fuck they do. They are in the business of taking your fucking money and buying themselves a yacht and fucking banging Victoria's secret models in the ass while looking at the next year's model of fucking yachts.

That's what they're in the business of. They are not in the business of fucking helping people. They're in the business of taking your money, telling you that you're going to be covered. Then when you go, dude, what the fuck, right? They go, yeah, go fuck yourself because we got more money. Take it or leave it, right? And what should happen is like, you know, when,

you remember the mighty heroes when they would send out that little signal and they'd all fucking turn diaper man and strong man. They'd all turn into something or is it Batman? I'll fucking remember what everybody was insured by that company should go at those cunts to be like, dude, what the fuck? I thought you said this guy was covered. This is what you're doing to him. You're going to do it to all of us, right?

I'm going back to the Sally Field thing. You know what the problem is is nobody likes their neighbor. You know, you look across at him, you look at the car he's driving, you look at his wife, either don't understand what he bought or you want it. There's never a middle ground like, yeah, you know, I'm pretty much on par with this guy and I get my ego can handle living across from him. You're either going to resent him or not understand him. So then when he gets fucked out of money, he's telling you the story.

You're sitting there nodding your head acting like you don't like it, but you hate to admit it, there's a part of your soul that's getting filled up, isn't it? Admit it. You know, like your neighbors, right? If it really came down to it, don't you want a house as big as your house and your neighbors? Wouldn't it be great if they just weren't there anymore? Somehow there wasn't any forensics and they could figure out that you hastened his demise and took over his house.

Just added a fucking hallway between your house and his, right? Then the whole other house is yours, right? Some of your wife and kids are driving you nuts. You just say, listen, daddy's going over to his other life. I'll be back when I can deal with you. And everybody just looks at you like that family in that real estate commercial, just smiling and waving, being like, yeah, it's fine. Don't worry about it, right?

Then you go in there, right? It's anything you want. You got booze, you got cigars, you know? You got a masseuse slash a fucking whore. They ought to have the timeout room for a married guy, you know? And I know what you ladies are thinking. Well, why don't they have a timeout room for women? And you know what I say?

Well, why don't you come up with it? The world doesn't owe you a round of drinks, okay? And God damn it, you got that multitasking brain. Why don't you sit down with a couple other broads? What would be in your room? You know, a bunch of shit that makes you live longer. See, if you notice with the guy, everything I said would slowly fucking kill me. The booze, the cigars, the whores, all of it just eats away at your soul and your fucking liver, right?

Women would go in there. The first, one of the first things they'd probably want is like the most beautiful fucking tub they ever could find so they could take a nice fucking bath, you know, with their crazy little fucking soaps, right? Have a whole spa day. And they'd have a friend that they could sit down and get all of that resentment out of their heart with someone who can actually listen to it. They download all of that shit.

You just totally clean up their soul before they go into the next room and get fucking banged by Brad Pitt, you know, or whoever the fucking Jake Gyllenhaal guy is nowadays. Who is it? Is it Justin Bieber? Hasn't he become a man yet? He's in his 20s, right? He's riding the wave out of teen idolism,

slowly becoming a man, right? As long as he doesn't remake Blue Lagoon, I think that kid's gonna be all right. Anyways, Jesus Christ, this is 12 minutes of your life. You'll never get back, huh? You know what, today is about everybody. Today's not about you. Today's not about me.

Today's not even about America. You know what today is about? Today's about the Boston Bruins versus the Detroit Red Winks. That's what it's all about, okay? It's funny that they play all these fucking games and they can come down to one goddamn game. For those of you who don't watch hockey, all right, which is kind of me,

I just pay attention to it because I've been, oh, you fucking cunt. Can my past whatever worked the first fucking time? You know, they're always like, you know, that's not secure enough. Well, it's like it's so fucking secure. I can't do it on one time while I'm still in a fucking podcast. Jesus fucking Christ.

Anyways, they play all these goddamn games. Let me get back into the nice soothing tone that I had earlier. They play all these fucking games, 80 goddamn games, whatever the hell it is. And you would think that, you know, by now everything would be all sorted out, right? Let's go to the playoff picture. The playoff picture.

Here we go. I didn't need a picture. I need a bra. How about a playoff bracket? I can't read that shit. Bracket challenge. The fucking standings. That's how that's how old I am.

I think I feel like if I just yell at a website it'll do what I want. All right. So the fucking red wings have 93 points. Oh, they got 93? That's right. That's right. Because they beat the fucking filthy flyers.

Oh, the flyers needed that one. The flyers needed that one. For some reason I root for the Philadelphia Flyers. I like them. You know what I mean? I know that they've been dirty and fought and all that shit, but you can't tell me it wasn't entertaining. You know?

Ron Hextall coming flying out of the net because he's pissed that he lost the Stanley Cup finals. I've always enjoyed that shit. I don't like their fans, but I really like their team. But you know, Philly fans work it. You're not liking making you not like them. So they did the job with me. I don't like them.

So anyways, so Detroit beat them. So as of right now, Detroit has 93 points. Philadelphia has 91. The Bruins have 91. But for whatever fucking reason, I guess head to head. Maybe we have a game at hand. I don't know what we're still under the fucking bar line. So basically tonight, tonight, the Red Wings,

I think could solidify. Let's say I have two more games. Look, Detroit, Detroit wins tonight. They're either in or they have totally fucking, you know, they'd have to basically put me in net to not make the playoffs. But if the Bruins win, we will go up two points on the Philadelphia Flyers. And this is the biggest fucking game.

They're all big games this week, but this is a... This is a big one this week. And I know the Red Wings haven't been the greatest in the past few years, but they've got enough guys left. Oh, and by the way, I want to say a shout out to that fucking Twitter cunt that fucking laughed at me when I said, you know, Carolina fucking, I feel like they always get the best of us. And he was saying like, oh, well, the Bruins are 6-0 and 2 the last fucking time.

Well, you know something? I never forgot that game seven. In 2009, when they came back and they fucking beat us. And just times every time there's a big game like that, you know, something, they always beat us. And what happens? We played those cunts and what happened? What happened?

They ended up beating us in a shootout, but we did get one point. Thank Christ. I think you do, right? Don't you get one point? I don't. Every time I turn it on, they fucking change the rule. Now they're doing three on three in the overtime, which I like, but you know, it makes me feel like I blacked out for five years.

So anyways, we got to win that game tonight. And I was hoping Detroit would look a little more tired than they did last night, but they totally looked like they were on their fucking game. The one thing we got going is it's back to back, which usually during the season, you'd have a let down, but there's too much at stake. So I think this is going to be a tough game. And I don't know. My heart says we're going to win, but I don't know.

We'll see. It's been tough for us lately. All right, let's. Oh, and by the way, the amount of people that hate the fucking Bruins, I, it's like, for what? We've won one cup in 40 years. The fuck is your problem? You know, I love when all fucking teams sit there and they act like, you know,

this team's dirty and this team has excuses, but our team's fucking squeaky clean. You know, I see the pieces of shit on my team just the way I see them on your team. You know, I see your fucking coaches screaming and yelling. Anytime anybody touches your players. And then when your players touch somebody else, they don't give a fuck. Everybody does that. It's called being an immature cunt. You know, welcome to the party.

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You guys want some drum nerd shit before I get off the podcast. Wind it down here. You guys know that song by sting love is stronger than justice. A lot of people sleep on sting, you know, because it comes out all yoga up still looking like he could bang a 22 year old never he's like, Oh man, that's fucking baby boomer elevator music. Well, I like it. I like it.

Is this song on what is that 10 summers tales is a song love is stronger than justice. This is some drum nerd shit. Now I've listened to that song at least a thousand fucking times. And I thought it was like, I don't know if it's bar a measure, I don't know how to say it. I thought you counted seven twice. Then you counted four, four, then three, four, and then seven. Right.

Can I actually play this here? Why don't I play the fucking song? I'll show you this. So this is some fucking, this is the dumbest shit I think I'm going to do. Oh, that's right. I can't play it on my fucking laptop for whatever fucking reason. Yeah, because I have too many things signed into fucking iTunes and then my old shit. I can't.

I don't remember the password for. Now, I thought the big brother was looking at me through the camera. Can't they fucking see? Can't they see that it's that it's me? Let me see if I can fucking play this for you. All right. So I always thought that this is how you counted it. Right.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, one, right. It finally dawned on me today that when I was counting four, four, and then three, four, four plus three is seven, so you can count the whole fucking thing in seven. That ain't the one. Here we go. One, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, three, two, three, four, five, six, seven, four, two, three, four, five, six, seven, one.

So it's really four fucking measures of seven. And I was like, oh, they're playing in fucking seven twice, then they go four, four, then it's three, four, then it's back to seven. All right. It's like, no, stupid, they're just making it sound like it's in four, four. And then all of a sudden they lop off one beat and you're like, oh, what the fuck? We're back to one again. Which really is the layman's term for still being in seven.

I learned that while walking at Pitbull picking up dog shit this morning. What the fuck have you been doing? So anyways, how the fuck do I get out of this, you know, in defense of me, as much as I also loved that album, that fucking out of all the new shit that I listened to, you know, I watched the Grammys and I was like, I am downloading everything that wins some Grammys here, right? Not everything, but, you know, so I basically I downloaded, I can't remember, Alabama shakes the weekend, Leonardo DiCaprio, what's the fuck's that guy's that rapper who won everything?

I can never remember Kendrick Lamar, right? I downloaded all all this shit that I like all of this stuff. I got to tell you, like, the one that actually I like the best is the weekend. I just think it's a fucking it's an unbelievable album. Unbelievable guys got amazing voice and some of the songs that he really does sound a lot like Michael Jackson, but not even in a bad way, just like influenced by the guy. So this morning when I walked when I was walking around the block, I listened to rat round and round, starting the day off with the little Bobby, right?

Then I listened to that Sting song. And I was thinking like, ah, and that's what I figured out, wait a minute, four and three is seven and what the fuck literally picking up dog shit with a big goofy grin on my face and this fucking beautiful woman jog by looking at me like, is this guy excited about dog shit? Is he listening to a podcast about dog shit? Just one of those moments, you know, he's like, yeah, whatever, you know, anyways. And then I was just like, all right.

I keep as much as I keep trying to listen to new music, I keep going back to the shit I listened to when I was growing up. So out of all the ones that I keep coming back to that guy's fucking album, I just think it's the shit. So I'm not, I'm not a hundred percent over the hill. You know what I mean? And I actually have unbeknownst to me, I have a college gig coming up, which I'm very excited about.

I rarely do college gigs anymore. I don't know why, you know, I have to keep doing college kids because I got to keep my fan base being, you know, I got to keep getting the next generation of people. It's how it works. You know, you can't, you don't want to grow old with your crowd and then just reminding you how old you are. It's like, I should only think that, you know, twice a day when I'm brushing my teeth, you know, put the toothpaste on, you start brushing your look up.

Ah, Jesus. What the fuck? Oh, oh, it's me. You know, I only want to feel that twice and a day. Um, but, uh, what happens is, is if you just kind of stay, you know, with your fan base, you know, they get married and they have kids and even if they want to come out, they're so fucking tired, they just want to sleep if they actually get a moment. You know what I mean?

So, uh, you got to keep the young kids coming out. The young kids, they can't feel their face, but they love it. Oh, Jesus. All right. That's the, uh, the just checking in for you on your podcast. I will talk to you guys on Monday. I hope you have a great weekend. You're constant.

Please enjoy this music and we will say what music it is, uh, on the Twitter, the MM, at the MMP Twitter account and, um, and, uh, whatever. And then you guys can all bitch about this fucking music. You want to play this? Yeah. We'll have your own fucking podcast. You fucking. All right.

See you. I. I would say your law. To. Jesus. Baby. I'm. Because.

I. I. I. I would say your law. To. Jesus. Baby. Oh.

Cause. Baby. Oh. Baby. Oh. Baby. Oh. Baby.

Oh. A. Billy Cunt. Exclamation point. I've been listening. I've been listening to your podcast for years. D 힘들iding psychopathic perspective reminds me I'm not the only one. Shaking letters.

I don't know what that means. Is this guy from Boston? I've been listening to the podcast for years. You direct psychopathic perspective. Reminds me I'm not the only one shaking lettuce. Kids. Alright, still this time, even if may accent, shaken ladders. I don't know what that means.

Anyways, I got a problem. I was in Boston all last week, so the Boston accent kind of came back, the whole, you know, I got a problem. It says get a job, get a job. Dude, it means you get a job. And for those of you working on your Boston accents, J-O-B, just say like jaw, like I'm going to punch you in the jaw, and then B, jaw. You've got to get a fucking jaw.

You know what kills me right now is like fucking 200 you right now, just muttering to yourself, get a fucking job in your cubicle. Freaking out your coworkers just mumbling, get a fucking job, you fucking cocksucker. I got a problem. For years now, I've been trapped in my KFC and wet wipes. Okay, that's disgusting. I used to be a bodybuilder, an actor and a comedian with fucking prospects right in front of me.

But then adulthood raped me in the eyes. Oh, Jesus, could you be more dramatic? It sounds like that fucking chick from Sex in the City. Crazy broad broke my heart. I had, this is the guy again, crazy broad broke my heart. I had to cut away old friends and family shutting me out of their smiles. All right, dude, this is like getting creepier with each sentence. If you don't bring this around in like two sentences, I'm going to abandon this.

I had to cut away from old friends and family shutting me out of their smiles. Dude, what did you do that your friends and family decided they didn't want to be around you? Anyways, I don't feel sorry for myself or want any pity. I just, you're not going to get any. So good. I'm glad you don't. He goes, I just want to know how to get out of this never ending routine of demise.

Well, first of all, I would stop using those goth death metal words. You know, demise. What else you got in here? Adult raped me in the eyes. These are like song lyrics, you know, to press dude. What would be the name of this trap in my KFC and wet wipes, right? That sounds like I can't sing like that. This routine of demise, at least fucking kids getting like wet fucking whiplash.

I worked too much in a job that was supposed to pay for my comedy career. When I don't work, I was supposed to pay for my comedy career when I when I don't work. I sleep or when I don't work, I sleep or watch endless DVDs. I'm 24 years old. What the fuck? This reads like you're 56 dude. He goes, I'm tired all the time from all the hating of the world and my body just won't listen to the screaming frustration in my soul.

Dude, you listen to like, you listen to progressive metal, I'm guessing by the words you use here. Either way, you play Dungeons and Dragons. I'm really not helping into oppression by shitting on you through all of this. Don't worry, I'm going to give you some sunshine here in the end here. So I sometimes get a spark of motivation to get back in shape and to start writing a script, but it only lasts for a day or two at the most. Yeah, exactly. And then the work comes and you have to keep going.

And that's what separates the people in life who fucking work and make it and those who don't. You know, everything's fun for a couple of fucking days. I'm going to get shredded. I'm going to join a boxing gym. I'm going to look like I'm going to fight in a title fight. You go down there, you skip rope, I'm going to get abs, you're doing all the fucking shit and two days in, you know, after two days, you get tired.

All right. And that's where you need the discipline to get up and go over there, even though you don't want to, you know, people who've written Oscar winning scripts. I bet they don't like fucking doing it on a certain level, but they keep going. So I would just tell you to keep fucking going. Anyways, let me read the rest of this overly dramatic shit. I've lost all faith in the world, have nothing to fight for anymore. I respect your go fuck yourself attitude and want and want to know what you did to finally

pick yourself up from your daughter's inflicted depression. Sorry, it's not the funniest emails, but I can really do with you. I know, dude, I'm fucking with you. I know you're going through some shit. So here we go. I'm going to help you out here. First thing I would do, get rid of the KFC and wet wipes. All right.

If you're already kind of a depressed dude, if you eat bad food, that's just going to add because I'm just speaking personally. Once again, not a licensed guy here in case you throw yourself off the fucking roof. All right. Yeah. Number one. This is what I do. Go out and get something healthy to eat, drink some water, get eight hours sleep, wake up

and eat something healthy, then go to the grocery store when you're full and go buy a bunch of healthy shit. Okay. Chop up the veggies, chop up the lettuce, get a fucking salad already made in there. So you don't have to think about it. All right. Cook up some fucking chicken, chop that shit up, make some chicken salad. You got that in there too.

Get yourself some fucking lunch meat and get yourself some real bread from a fucking bakery. Start with that bullshit. You start eating right and then just start working out. You're automatically going to feel good about yourself and fucking stick with that. As far as that other shit goes, dude, you're 24 years old. All right. I started comedy when I was 24. You sound like you've already been doing it and quit.

So you're ahead of where, where I was at at your age. So there's no reason to be depressed. All right. This is how I got beyond my depression was I just started observing it. I looked at it as a spectator rather than feeling a thought and just accepting it and then being dragged to the bottom of the fucking ocean with it. I just started to pay attention. I just sat there and listened to what my brain was telling me and it was a bunch of

negative, oh my God, I'm going to fail. I'm going to have to go back and move in with my parents and they're going to die. I'm not going to be able to afford to pay for the house and then I'm going to be homeless and then I'm just going to die and, uh, you know, nothing's ever going to work out for me. You know, those were the thoughts I was having. So I just sat back and observed them and I just started going, I don't want to think that I want to think that and I would just as I felt them coming, I would just replace it with like a positive thought.

I know this is really corny and simple, but I kind of started doing that. And the more I did that, because it didn't quite work. I actually didn't work in the beginning at all, but like I just kept doing it more and more and then I just became conscious of when my brain was going in that direction. And, um, working out helps me. Eating right helps me going down to comedy club, telling jokes, helps me out playing drums, wrestling with my dog, you know, taking Nia out to dinner. Just go do something like it's just a choice.

You know, July 30th is only going to happen once. Am I going to fucking be a miserable cunt on this? Or I said July 30th, 2012 is only going to happen once. It's just, it's just a fucking choice, dude. So, you know, if, if what you're dealing with is clinical, then it will obviously wait me on me. So I don't need, you know, and then I'm going to fucking apologize. Like Fred Willard, um, I'm sorry that you didn't go to a psychiatrist and you went

to a hacky comedian instead. Evidently, that's my fault. The face says in the car. But all that good in me is because of you. It's true. I, I prefer your love to Jesus. Um, all right. Why don't we end with this segment?

I'm sure I can do another 10 minutes on this to give you at least 45 minutes for the week. Let's end with this, this segment. Oh, Jesus, which is really taking on a, a life of its own. I thought it was going to die, but it is somehow risen. Um, okay. Here we go and get ready for bill is the dumbest person on the planet. All right, Bill, for what it's worth, I think you're fucking crazy and irresponsible

exclamation point. I can never say that exclic, exclic, exclaim, exclamation. There we go. Exclamation point. That's one of those, you know, those words that you kind of know how to say, but you just sort of fly through them. That's a laser point. Um, what kind of person talks about God like that?

And I love this shit. This is what they all do. You should, and I believe deep down inside you are, be ashamed of yourself, dude. This is what I love about these fucking maniacs is they're so wrapped up into what they believe that they listen to how much this person just keeps fucking, including other invisible people and then superimposing what he believes into what, you know, he thinks I truly believe, because he's so wrapped up in his own fucking world that he can't possibly even fathom that somebody has a

difference of opinion on this subject. So he goes, uh, you should, and I believe deep down inside you are, be ashamed of yourself, dude. Are your mom and dad still alive? What exactly does that have to do with any? Your shtick with respect to God is hurtful, offensive, offensive and despicable. Um, three things. It always has to be three things.

It can't be hurtful and despicable or offensive and hurtful. It has to be hurtful, offensive and despicable. Just like comedy has to come in threes. Um, how difficult it must be to spew hatred and vulgarities for shock value laughs. No talent in that, my friend. That's the classic place that people go, um, whenever you, you, whenever you, this is the classic guy where everything is funny until it comes around to the

subject that they take seriously 100% and no one can even joke it, joke about it or even question it on any level. And then they always say that you're just doing it for shock because they find it shocking. It's like really my views on women, women haven't been, you know, that didn't offend you all the shit that I've said over the two fucking years. None of that has offended you. And now all of a sudden this does anyway.

So he goes, enjoy your success air quotes and all the money you are making on the backs of hardworking, decent people that understand what it means to follow the rules and be the best they can be without putting other people and God down, the rest of us are watching and we are not laughing. Dude, how many people are in your bedroom as you're, do you have a group podcast listening party every week? All right, let's get back to that. Oh, evidently I am making, uh, money on the backs of hardworking, decent people.

So let me get this straight because I'm standing on a stage. Evidently what I'm doing is not hard work. And if people are sitting in the audience, automatically they are all decent, hardworking people. And not only that, I'm making money on the backs of them. Really? Do I have some sort of comedy sweatshop, you know, comedy factory with sweatshop labor?

What I do is actually, uh, takes advantage of no one. I stand on a stage and I, I, I tell jokes. And if you like what I say, you, you sit and listen. And if you don't, you walk out, right? Where, where, you know, and I love how just because you're in the crowd, that means you're a decent human being. Do you know the amount of fucking freaks and scumbags that come up to me? This is what I found in a comedy show for the most part.

Decent people, they leave after the show. I don't want to bug them. And then they walk out and then maniacs come up to me, you know, let's do some Yeager and they fucking spit in your face and shit. You know, believe me. All right. But I know I made fun of God. So now, uh, you know, uh, now all of a sudden I'm now all of us, you want to

talk about people making, making money off of decent, hardworking people. Take a look at fucking organized religion. All right. Those guys, those guys are living pretty good scaring the fucking shit out of you every goddamn week. All right. And I'm entitled to an opinion and I never was cramming my opinion down your throat.

I wasn't okay. You believe in what you believe in. And I 100% respect that, but I have the right to question it. You know, and you shouldn't find it shocking that I question it. You should, shouldn't you just be what Jesus would do? Wouldn't Jesus just start praying for me? Anyways, let's, let's continue this. Just in case you're interested, I was raised Catholic, married and raised my

children Catholic and definitely have my doubts about the whole organized religion thing. Great. So you agree with me. Not even sure that I believe in God. Once again, there's another point that we agree on. I lost my father three years ago and never would have uttered these words in his presence.

Neither would I. Why did my voice go up so high? Neither would I do it. I did it on a podcast. All right. I'm sorry your father passed away, but you know, that has nothing to do with me. Do you understand what you're doing here? Now, all of a sudden you're making it seem like I'm walking in with my

Mr. microphone into the intensive care saying there's no God, you know, whispering into somebody's ear in a coma, you just go into the ground. We're all like, dear, I'm not doing that. I'm doing a podcast and I'm fucking around. All right. If you want to take it seriously, that's your problem. Okay.

And if you want to bring up your, your father passing away as some way to try to guilt me in to feeling like I mean, you know, what I'm saying in a hateful, hurtful, fucking way, dude, those are all your issues. They have nothing to do with me. All right. Then he goes on to say that his dad believed that there is something out there responsible for all the beauty in the world, uh, in our world and for our lives as human beings.

I don't even disagree with that. I just know human beings have no idea what it is until they fucking die. So I'm not going to sit there and listen to another human being who tries to scare the shit out of me and who's living in a fucking palace telling me that if I become rich, I'm not going to heaven. I'm not out of my mind to think that that reeks of a fucking scam the same way late at night when they have those fucking gold coins that evidently are with 50 bucks and they're selling them for $19.99 that that doesn't wreak of a scam.

Somebody actually sent me a, uh, an email. Of course I didn't save it. Evidently it's sprayed with like a dollar something worth the gold. Okay. So they're making, what is that a 2000% profit? All right. Believe it or not, just because you're walking around talking about religion and the afterlife and, and doing unto others and you're talking this great game,

it doesn't mean that you can't be full of shit. All right. Okay. And I'm not saying that I'm right about what I feel, but this is just, it reeks of, of, of, of a scam. I really believe that there is some sort of thing out there and I wouldn't be surprised if there is something after this, I wouldn't be surprised if you just go into the ground and you decay and you give life to the next fucking thing.

I wouldn't be surprised if earth is punishment for something that I did in a, in a different solar system. That's another thing about religion. Forget about the dinosaurs. This, it doesn't even bring up space. Okay. Let's say there is this all powerful being, okay. Okay.

And I'm just trying to question this right now. So I'm not trying to be shocking or I'm just questioning this. Let's say there is this all powerful being, being that created the everything that there is, okay. The entire solar system. Why would you do all of that and just put people on this one planet? That's like you created and, and, uh, uh, you built this house that has in, in infinity, basically.

Amount of rooms, bedrooms, and you just put everybody, you're only using one room in the house. It doesn't make any fucking sense whatsoever. And that's one thing about Scientology for as much shit as people give Scientology. At least it has the brains to incorporate outer space. You know, I don't know if that's a really good point or if that's really fucking stupid, but you know, I don't fucking know. So anyways, yeah, dude, I wasn't trying to offend you or anything that you fucking,

I was just trying to be funny and I'm just fucking around. And if you want to take this shit seriously, that, that is totally your fucking choice. Um, you know, that's it. All right. I'm fucking done with that. All right. Let's move on to the next person. Trashing me.

Um, what the fuck? Where the fuck is it? Ah, Jesus Christ. I think I only, I only put one of them. I thought I had another one. I'm really disorganized this week. That's cause you don't have Jesus in your life. You don't have Jesus.

Another guy said, I love how you pick on it, on it, on a, on a, uh, a punching bag of religion, basically saying like it's very easy to make fun of Christians, but I don't dare make fun of Muslims because if you make fun of them, oh shit, look what's going to happen, you know, which I thought was fucking hilarious because the person was sitting there talking about how insensitive I am. And then basically in a roundabout way, we're alluding to the fact that people who are Muslim means that you're a, you're a fucking, uh, uh, you know, you're going to blow up, like they're all going to blow up planes and that type of shit.

You know, I went to a wedding one time, this girl was Pakistani and they actually addressed that, that what they fucking hated was that all, you know, Christians thought that all of them just wanted to walk around blowing up shit. And, uh, and I also thought it was funny that this guy's fucking sitting there suggesting that, uh, people just because they're Christian, that they're peaceful. When, you know, what is it? Once every 18 months, some Jesus freak fucking kills an abortion doctor. That's pretty much par for the course, isn't it?

Um, no, and it's, it's not safe to make fun of Jesus freaks. It really isn't, it really fucking isn't. And I think Bill Maher is out of his fucking mind to say what he says and like, or actually has balls the size of the Grand Canyon to say what the fuck he says and then just walk out and wade into those people and just, uh, I would never do that shit. Anyways, I got to admit the level with which that people take this shit. Seriously, it actually kind of creeps me out to continue talking about this shit.

So, uh, this might be the last fucking week of it because I've definitely made my fucking points and at this point we're just going to go around in circles and I'm just going to piss people off. So, uh, let's move on to this last guy. We actually brought up some great points. Um, all right, he said a bunch of nice stuff and then he said, all right, enough with the dick sucking, I was going to trick, I was going to criticize religion, but to describe those beliefs is, is to mock them.

Yeah. And you know what dude? That's what I learned. Um, yeah, if you describe them, then you start making fun of them and then everybody gets mad or as you're saying, they're just so ridiculous. You just have to, you know, anyways, let's fly ahead here. Yeah. He said, you mentioned needing a code in the absence of religion to live by.

Um, I'm not sure how much, uh, of the, I don't read thing as a shtick, but I recommend an excellent text used in an intro to undergrad and undergrad ethics course called the elements of moral philosophy by James. I don't know if that's Rock Hells or Rachel's. Um, everybody goes on and on about Jesus, but Socrates, who defined morality as how we ought to live, let a compelling life as you probably know. Actually, I don't, I just know him as a party reference. Um, what are you fucking Socrates?

You know, that's one of those references that even morons can use and get away with. And I'm sad to say I'm one of those people. Um, he said, I didn't know this shit. He was found guilty of corrupting the youth. He thought Zeus, Venus, Aries, et cetera, smacked of bullshit. All right, think about that right there. Corrupting the youth. Now every Christians, Muslims and everybody today would say that, yeah, that

is bullshit, that those people do not exist because now we've evolved to, there's only one God, there's only one bank, there's one world power. Um, and let's see. And as punishment, he was forced to take his own life by drinking hemlock poison. Once again, another death because of organized religion. You know, these Jesus freaks, these, these people who are into fucking, I didn't want to reason why I don't make a fun of, uh, the Muslim religion is really because I don't know anything about it.

And the reason why I make fun of Christianity is because that's what I was brought up in those are the stories that, that I, that I hear. And all I know about Muslims is basically, uh, you know, the couple wars with Iraq. So I basically don't know shit. I just think what you, you wrap, you wrap your women up in bounty paper towels and then cut their clits off. Am I wrong?

Am I wrong on that one? They're not allowed to show their fucking thongs because, uh, you're going to get an erection and because you wear that bedsheet, everybody's going to fucking see it. I don't know anything about it, but I would definitely make fun of it if I knew something about it, but I don't. All right. And I reserve the right to make fun of the fucking religion that I was brought

up in. Um, so anyways, he says, um, Socrates was a humble man famously announcing, all I know is my ignorance. Um, he sought when I loved people who would take that at face value. See, he said he was a fucking moron right there, right there. You know, Jesus is a solution. Um, he sought answers to questions. Whereas religion prohibits questioning answers.

I'm fucking brilliant at this guy's really smart. You should do a podcast instead of me. I'm a fucking idiot. Listen to that. He sought answers to questions. Whereas religion prohibits questioning answers. And if anything fucking proves that it's the 50 emails I got this week. Uh, I like how I'm actually asking like I'm questioning religion on any sort

of intelligent level. Um, I think actually, I think I am. Just cause I say cut and fuck doesn't mean I'm not, uh, bringing up some good questions. All right, let's finish this for, uh, for Socrates, the unexamined life is not worth living. Um, his sentiments on marriage and nagging women are remarkably, remarkably similar to your own.

So underrated Socrates overrated Jesus. Uh, yeah, that's, you know, that's that is the one thing. And I'm not being a dick here that I don't understand about people who, like I respect people who, who, you know, are raising religion or, or find a religion that speaks to them and then they decide to commit their lives to what, and what I don't understand is, you know, and it brings you this piece, right? Am I wrong there? All right.

So it brings you this piece, but then if anybody questions that belief that you have, how quickly it turns violent, like the amount of people who died because they question these, um, holy people is this, you don't find that fucking like hilarious and ridiculous on any level. Like they're sitting there calling the other person, the devil, because they're questioning their beliefs and they're saying that that other person is going to hell and then they turn around and kill the person because they don't believe in the holy pure way that they live their life.

I mean, I just, I can't get behind that. I can't get behind that. The same way is the same way. It's just because you're a Red Sox fan. You can't recognize the talent of Derek Jeter. And I got to be like, dude, fuck him. He's a fig. No, he's the shit.

I don't know. I don't fucking know. Why, why do I continue with this shit? Um, I don't know. I don't fucking know. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. And once again, I'm not disrespecting your religions. Okay.

But this is my podcast and when I bring shit up, I fucking go off on it and I, and I definitely go over the top saying that somebody was playing the upright base with Jesus is jugular is fucking hilarious because it's over the top. And I believe the God in my world thinks it's funny. He's God. Why would he be intimidated? I, there's another thing too. I don't understand why God would make all this stuff.

Okay. And then just be so don't angry all the time. Jesus Christ. Here I go. I'm back in it again. I got a lot of questions. Fuck you. It's my podcast.

That's why I don't understand. You know, I, it's more like, you know, when you, when you build a bookshelf and you're standing back and miring your work and then it falls down on the floor and you're like, God damn fucking piece of shit. And you start blaming the bookshelf. Even though you made it. You're the one who put it up there. You know, I guess technically God didn't make, uh, he didn't make titty bars.

I guess those are man made, but, uh, you know, the broads in them are, are, are, wow, I'm really fucking, I was just going to say made in his image. Isn't that, isn't that what you guys say? They found a devil. That's the devil. They got the devil in them. Um, all right. What have all I'm saying is cause it really got serious this week.

People really got fucking, they took it a little too seriously. All right. So back the fuck off, stop taking it so God damn seriously. And you know, why don't you actually practice what your preacher preaches? And why don't you go pray for me? Why don't you do that instead of coming on here, telling me, you know, he given me your wrath. Isn't that one of the seven deadly sins you fucking maniacs.

You just as fucked up as I am and you don't know shit either. All right. All right. I'm sorry. God bless all of you. Okay. I hope you find what works for you. And seriously, if I'm bugging you, don't listen to the podcast.

God knows I'm not making any money off it. I don't give a fuck. Um, that's it. You guys all have a great week and, uh, I tell you where I was going to be this week, but I'm worried some Jesus freak is going to show up. So, uh, that's it. That's it. Have a great week and, uh, I'll talk to you next Monday, hopefully.

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