Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-7-22

Episode Date: April 8, 2022

Bill rambles about dumb Presidents, the news, and parenting on one front.

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difference. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. Seeing how you're doing. Oh, Billy freckles, wrapped on the movie.

I am done. I got to edit the thing now, but the principal shooting, everybody is wrapped. It's done. It's in the can, as they say in the industry. Very excited, incredible experience. But, um, you know, I'm out on the road right now. I'm in Birmingham, Alabama, home of the University of Alabama, Birmingham. We're not in Tuscalooska.

Down here, Birmingham went on a nice little fucking hike with, uh, not a hike, sort of a city walk with Joe Bartnick went up to the, uh, what do they got there? They got this giant biking at the top of this hill. Beautiful, beautiful view and all of that when we were up there, Bartnick was like, this looks like the place where they like do the still shot when they talk about the weather, you know, 75 degree high, low of 59. So, uh, bring that windbreaker. Um, so anyways, I'm out here.

I'm doing my first headlining gig since I can't remember when end of January, beginning of February, and I was on the plane, man, the plane when I was on the way out here. Um, and I just looked at this set list that I have. I have 17 new bits that either I didn't do on my special, that should be coming out a couple of months and that I've written since, you know, I did, um, I tape my special. So fucks my water.

I have, um, they're about three minutes each. I would say on average, that's 51 minutes. So the ways I see it is I have another 19 minutes that I need to write. And when my special comes out, you will come and see me and I will have totally different material, um, and that's it. But until then, to fill in that extra 19 minutes, it'll be 19 minutes of shit that's going to be on my next special. So that's how the game works.

Everybody, right? And I'll gradually weed that out. You know what? That's the toughest thing for me on the writing a new hour is getting the right closer, um, figuring out which is the one that goes last. That's the hardest thing other than that. It's just me running my app, which I am good at doing. Speaking of running, the Boston Celtics are fucking running the table lately.

They play in the Milwaukee bucks tonight. Um, I've sort of been trying to keep an eye on them. Obviously it was a little busy there, but, uh, dare I say one of the hardest teams in the NBA right now at 50 and 30 playing the Milwaukee bucks tonight, 49 at 30. I'm going to be doing a show, but I'm going to try to keep an eye on that. Uh, Bruins have been playing well. I know they lost to the Red Wings, but they looks like they won like, like three, four in a row, a home and a home, get home and home against, uh, Columbus.

Getting all caught up here. We have this new guy. What's his name? Hampus Lindholm. I see he had a lower body injury, but people say he wasn't limping around. Poster knocks out. It's just good though. Get all the injuries out of the way right before the playoffs.

Everybody comes back a little rested. You watch Netflix. You stretch Jay Hammys. And then hopefully we go on a little bit of a run here. Um, but I gotta tell you, I'm, listen to me, I'm fucking, I'm talking a mile a minute here. I am so fucking excited to be doing standup, man. I am so, I miss this shit.

Like you, you cannot fucking believe. Um, it really is, it's the greatest job in entertainment. It just is, it's just is, you know, you have to do an hour. It takes an hour. There's no meetings. There's no circling backs. There's no pre-meeting before the meeting. There's no notes.

There's no nothing. Get on stage. Talk for an hour. You're done. Get out of the venue. It's perfect. It's fucking perfect. So, um, I have some really big gigs coming up.

Um, and I'm just going to be, you know, when I get back to LA, I'm just going to be doing standup anywhere I can do standup and just get this fucking thing together, editing the movie during the day, playing with my kids in the late afternoon. And then when I get them to bed, I'm going out, uh, to do standup. And that is it, baby. That's going to be my life over the next, uh, couple of months here. And, uh, I can't wait.

I can't wait. I feel like I'm a thousand pounds lighter today. No more responsibility. Um, at least for a week. And then I go into the editing room, but, uh, yeah, I've got to thank everybody that worked with that. We just had the coolest fucking set ever. Everybody was cool.

Everybody was mellow. Everybody had a fucking great time. The last day of the shoot, we brought in a cigar roller, a little trick I learned when I did Pete Davidson's movie. He brought somebody in and the cigars were delicious. Everybody had a good time. We had a little root beer. Um, yeah, man, it was fucking awesome.

So anyway, I got out here last night, connected through Dallas. We had this frigging airplane where, uh, you know, you know, the captain gets on. And first of all, you know, if the fucking planes, you get on the planes, they have the intercom on like full blast. And this was one was like extra full blast. And in the past, I've asked them to turn it down a little bit. And the stewardess always says, yeah, there's nothing we can do. It's like, what do you mean there's nothing we can do?

Are you honestly telling me that they installed an intercom on full fucking blast without a knob on it? Is that what you're telling me? The, what it really is, is they're lawyers. Just in case somebody's hard of hearing, we have to have it up full blast. So nobody can sue us. The guy next to me was literally blocking his ears. It was so fucking loud.

Um, that's what it's going to take. Some ambulance chaser to say they collapsed by eardrum. So, um, anyway, the guy gets on. Just like loud as shit. She captain speaking, right? And he's like, uh, we have a mechanical issue. It's not the plane. It's one of our mid cabin laboratories.

I guess it was sticking up the joint. And I don't know what happened, but like, I was, you know, listening to the people working at LAX talking to the, uh, the male stewardess guy there. And they were just like, yeah, you know, what do you want us to do about it? And the guy was just like, this is how you talk to us. It was really fucking unprofessional. You know, whoever that guy at LAX was, he sounded like a guy who had to go fix a public toilet.

So maybe it wasn't unprofessional. Maybe it was just normal human behavior of, I don't want to fucking do that shit. So eventually they got it. They got it done. And, uh, we had to connect through Dallas and I never sweat that shit. Whenever they're like, you know, I might miss my connecting flight. That's just like, I know people in Dallas. I'll call up Jeff Sewell, fucking one of my favorite little people in the business

is Peter Dinklage. And then there's Jeff Sewell and, uh, I fucking, I would just hang out with him. That's what I was thinking. Then I'll get a rental car and I'll drive across this great nation. I'll go through Texas, Tyler, Texas, home or Earl Campbell, childhood home. And then I'll fucking go through Louisiana, through Mississippi, right in there. I don't give a fuck. Me and partner could ride in there.

We're like, fuck it. We'll get a fucking rental car. It'll be fine. And because I didn't give a shit, if you believe in the universe, not only did I make my flight, they changed my gate to being right next door. You know, Dallas is probably the worst one I've ever had to connect in. I really think that they installed the train going the wrong way. Because every time I get there and I have to connect my connection, say if there's four

terminals and you know, the thing runs counterclockwise, the train, I'm always one terminal to the right. So I have to go through all of the terminals to get or you can run like a lunatic with your bag. I've never really figured out which one is quicker, but yeah, I don't give a fuck anymore. You get to a certain age, you're just too old to run for a plane. And it's just like, all right, either I make it or I'm going to find out what local sports team is playing and I'm going to that game.

Tell me, what brings you to town? I miss my connecting flight. And you came out here to a fucking Tuscaloosa Wahoo game? Yes, I did. I don't give a fuck. What division is this? 19? Well, shit, let's get after it.

Then you meet people. Next thing you know, you're shooting guns. You join a hate group and the next day you're at Hertz. You act like it never happened anymore and now you get back on your fucking plane. No, I shouldn't say a hate group just because we're down south. Doesn't mean that these white people down here hate anybody else anymore. Oh, shit, I'm going to talk about that tonight on stage. That's a good way to get in with these people from Alabama.

By the way, somebody was sending me clips of Donald Trump. And I have to tell you, he is one of my favorite accidental stand-up comedians or comedic actors of all fucking time. And I cannot take anybody seriously that voted for that guy. I just can't. Like, how many times can you look the other way with this guy? Somebody sent me this thing. He was talking about people throwing bags of soup at police office.

He's like, heavy bags of soup. He's just so full of shit that he just has to fuck. But, you know, they're all full of shit. Okay, I'm not saying, oh, forgetful Freddy there isn't full of shit. But like, there has to be a certain level of intelligence. You know, I mean, that's that's that's my fucking thing with sports fans, with with nationalistic people and then people who pick a political party where they just get so into it that they can't that they get to the point that they can't call

a dumb cunt a dumb cunt. Just because they're on your team, or they're wearing that the political colored tie you like, or they're from your country. I mean, that's one of the fucking flaws of human beings. And I've been guilty of it where you'd rather win than be right. You know, and you just be like, this guy's a fucking moron. And then they'll be like, whoa, fucking so and so said some dumb shit. It's like, all right, yeah, no, they're they're all dumb.

They're all dumb. Just say it with me to say they're they're all they Joe Biden is like that that guy shouldn't meet me. Thank God he became president. We got him off the road. He's not driving anymore. Anyway, let's let's not get into politics, but it's just like I there's nobody in the world that I love listening, try to convey an idea as much as like Don Trump should have a fucking

Netflix special. Like when that guy isn't president, he is one of the funniest human beings I've ever heard in my life. He's like such a character. But then when he becomes, you know, I don't like like Joe Biden would be fucking hilarious if he wasn't president. Like you start to wonder like it's like weekend at Bernie's. They just like wheeled the guy out with fucking sunglasses on.

I think it's what the kids call it a deep fake. They probably have somebody else that still has their marbles together talking for the guy. Anyway, what's going on with Russia and. Oh my God, I'm already. Why can't I ever remember the name of that country? Kiev. I can remember the name of the capital. I need like a fucking mental break is what I need.

Ukraine. Jesus Christ. The Ukraine. Is that how you say it? Kyiv. Kiev. I don't know how to say it. What's going on with that?

All of a sudden, like they're not reporting on it. I'm hearing that the underdogs are starting to win some fucking. They're starting to win some. Let me see. Like who's winning here? Could you give me this? He's got to be rooting for the Ukraine. Ukraine.

Here we go. UK versus Russia. Who's who's winning? Because I saw some great shit where they were fucking. I don't know. I feel like they're only showing us the highlights. Ukraine, Russia, war casually so far. Who's winning?

Who is winning in the Ukraine, Russian war? The war that has started between Russia. Why can't they just give you the answer? Why can't the West admit that the Ukraine is winning? I'm ready to admit that. I want that to happen. America is too accustomed to thinking of its side as stymied, ineffective, or incompetent.

Is that what we're used to? When I visited Iraq during the 2007 surge, I discovered that the conventional wisdom in Washington usually lagged the view from the field two to four weeks. Something similar applies today. Analysts and commentators have grudgingly declared that the Russian invasion of Ukraine has been blocked and that the war is stalemated.

Look at that. Shout out to the Ukraine. But with the goal line defense. I mean, you just, you have to vote for the underdog. That's why I don't get mad at people when they fucking root for people that we're fighting. I mean, well, that's what I would be doing if I didn't live here, right?

You always have to vote the underdog. I think if you vote for the favorite, that just says something about you, right? Which is why when I became a college football fan, I didn't, you know, I didn't jump on the Alabama fucking wagon. I went LSU, I like fucking Auburn, Georgia, Tennessee, I like. University of Kentucky, I just can't get into. They're just always going to be a basketball school for me.

Oh, speaking of which, how about a shout out to the Kansas J-hawks. I missed that game because I was working. I did, I had a break at one point and I saw they were down by 15 points at the half. And they just right out of the locker room. They just came out there and just they fucking took it to him. Fucking Carolina couldn't hit a bucket, but I heard Carolina came back

and then one of the big men got hurt. And once he got hurt, that was it. But this is something else that I didn't know. I thought like, you know, if you asked me like how many titles like North Carolina had, I think they had like 10 or 12 or whatever. I didn't realize I wasn't really thinking that I knew UCLA had the most, but I thought they had more than 11.

But when you think about it, when you have a one in 64 chance, that there's 64 teams making the playoffs, playoffs, it's one of the harder championships to win as far as odds go. So it's UCLA has 11, Kentucky has eight, I think. Is it Kentucky? Then UNC has six, Duke has five. Like everybody's in single digits except UCLA. I found that pretty amazing.

As amazing as I want to see what happens to the Duke program, now that Coach K is gone. You know, this is such a critical fucking time where the next guy has to win. You got to keep it going, even though they won for 40 straight fucking years, 42 straight years with Coach K. It's like how University of North Carolina,

it was critical that when Dean Smith stepped down that they continued to win. And I want to say in the early nineties, that Montrose team was he coaching that one? I wanted to say by then that was already his son or something like that, but they were able to keep it going because watching like what happened with the University of Michigan football, where you go from winning and being a destination school, it only takes like five, six years of losing.

And then kids don't view the school as like, you know, a winning program. Like seven, eight years, you got to figure an incoming freshman. You've been losing since he was 10 years old. You know, I don't think he's really paying attention to college history, but he's been watching the last eight years as he was moving up the ranks in football. And all he does is see you lose to Ohio State every fucking year. Like that was why it was so huge today this past year when Michigan finally beat Ohio State. You got it at some point, you got to get like that big victory.

Or what you do is what Oregon did. You never win shit, but you come out with those disco ball fucking helmets and there's enough good players out there like, man, I want to wear that uniform. Which is one of the most interesting ways I've ever seen a program built is that they came out with these space age Buck Roger fucking uniforms and it literally turned the program around for a little while. I think they kind of settled back down though. Am I crazy?

I have no idea. I'll tell you what I got right now. Crazy free time over the next week. Yeah, you know what I did before I got on my flight? You know what the fuck I did? Well, of course I played with my kids and I took them to school and all of that shit. But after that, after that, I actually went and I played drums for like a second. Played five minutes.

I just 10 minutes or whatever time I had. I have gotten into a bad habit as a parent where I bribed my son with cookies. You know, because he's like super strong and really strong willed. And like, if you start, if you're carrying him like, okay, we're going inside. You go to pick him up. He just like grabs two handfuls of your t-shirt. And he, and he started, nah, he says point in the other way. So the other day there was some people over and they were, you know, trimming the trees.

Let me get fires out here. You're going to make sure you don't have all this shit touching your house, right? So they're trimming the trees and my son was just fascinated by it. And he was going, hi, hi, saying hello to everybody because he's a little sweetheart. And every time I would go to go inside, he would just grab me like I owed him money, just two handfuls of t-shirt. And he would start flipping out. And then finally I was like, oh, you want to keep watching him?

He's like, yeah. And I'm like, all right. And then finally I was like, dude, we have to go inside because I got to go to the airport and everything. And he starts, you know, flipping out again. And finally I just go, I go, you want to cook? And then he just looks at the workers in the tree and he waves. He goes, bye-bye.

We started walking in the house. I go, cookie? He goes, cookie. So I gave him half a Girl Scout cookie. It's kind of funny. You know what? I'm finding like, you know, the good cop, bad cop thing in my relationship. With my lovely wife is, sorry, I'm yawning here.

I'm still fucking wiped out. I'm finding is she's more of a disciplinarian, which is good. Like she calls him out on their shit. And I'm just too much of a softy. So what I really have to do, but I'm smart enough that I know I cannot undermine. You got, you got to be a unified front as a couple with your kids or else they'll just start, you know, going around. They'll just, they'll just go to the person that's going to say yes in that situation.

But I have to admit, it's like really, it's really hard for me because I have to admit, like when, when a kid has a meltdown, I just think it's, it's fucking funny to me. It's funny. Or I just go, what are we doing here? What are we doing here? But it's like funny to me. But like my wife is so good at seeing what that behavior is going to lead to. I think I have too much of like, you know, I got yelled at as a kid.

I didn't like that. So I'm going to be, you know, I'm going to take a different approach. And I think my kids, both of them already know that I'm, I'm the softy that they can kind of get over on. So I got to kind of like, you know, I got to come on my wife's way because you know, she knows all the tricks. She goes, no, what she does is when she doesn't like her dinner, she just says she's full and then her stomach hurts.

And then we throw it out. And then like an hour later, she says she's hungry and then ask for what she really wants. I mean, that sounds like a really simple caper, right? But she was getting me on it all the time. And I was like, oh, I don't want you to go to bed hungry. What do you want? You want some, you want some cereal? My wife is looking at me like, this is why she's not eating her vegetables.

She's doing this. And then I, and I'm like, oh yeah, you're right. Like I'm a more, I really am a fucking moron when it comes to that shit. So, and I'll tell you, one of my favorite things in the world is watching my wife be a mother because she is amazing at it. She has everything. It's like perfectly balanced. She's silly.

She's fun. She's affectionate. And, but then she knows when to drop the hammer. Like, all right, that's enough. That's enough. That's enough. And I know what you're doing. You know, I feel like I'm Sergeant Schultz on fucking.

What was it? Michael's Navy on not Kelly's heroes. The fuck was that called? Yeah, Jesus Christ. I see nothing. Hogan's heroes. There we go. All right.

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So I'm in Birmingham tonight. I'm in Macon, Georgia tomorrow. And then I'm going to the Masters. And I'm going to put on the TV right now because I know Tiger Woods probably about halfway through his round. Hoping he's making the cut. And I'll get to see that legend one more time. And with that, please listen to a little bit of anything better clip. And after that, we'll have a little bit of music interlude unless we don't have an anything better clip.

I can't remember which. And then you'll get a bonus half hour of a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Um, after. All right. That's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April fucking seventh.

What's going on? How are you? I apologize for the bad sound on the recording. I am right now. I am overseas. I am in gay patty. I don't mean that in a homophobic way. And it's just what they call it.

I think gay still means happy over here. It used to mean happy in the United States of America before gay people stole that word. You know, and then started telling people how they can use it, how they can't use it. It doesn't make any sense to me. You don't know their word. Anyways, um, I mean, how come stupid, you know, how come dope and stupid can actually mean something good? Right.

But you can't, you can't mean that's lame. I guess because it's, it's, it's coming from gay meaning, uh, same sex. I don't know. I've never understood it. I can say like, you know, that, that fucking band is dead gay, meaning lame and still not care of gay people get married. Like why, why does everybody have to be a fucking parent right now and just say what you can say and what you can't say?

It doesn't make a difference what the fuck you say. It's what's in your fucking heart. Right. All you're doing is you just given a roadmap for psychos on how to get through the minefield without showing their hand, you know, and that's how you end up with another Hitler. I'm joking. Maybe a Mussolini though. I'm sorry.

I'm going to try not to move the computer here. The reason why I'm recording this way is because, uh, I finally figured it out after two times being over here or overseas. I think I was in Australia one time and I blown out my fucking mixer mixer. What I figured out over here for you, you people, my countrymen in the States, uh, do not plug anything with two, only two prongs into a fucking wall over here. My experience is it, it either blows out the plug. That's the best case scenario or just completely damages and, uh, fucks over whatever device

you were trying to put in. I've lost two mixers. I tried to plug my iPhone in and I'm saying this is with an adapter too. I didn't just stick it in a wall. I actually used an adapter and, uh, I did that with my, uh, my iPhone charger for the 4S. Something fucking blew up. I should have known because I was charging it earlier and it was working fine. And when I pulled it out of the wall, it was really hot.

Now I don't understand electricity. To me, it's still magic. And you somehow trapped lightning and put it in the wall. That's what electricity is to me. It's lightning. You know, because my only education about it was when ol' Fatso with his male pattern baldness and his fucking glasses flew the kite down there in Philly. You know, and he went out there and he was all hammered because, uh, he was making excuses

for his alcoholism. Isn't that what he did? He said, yeah, beer is, uh, proof that God loves us. You know, what a filthy old man he must have been coming down the street with his giant mug. I bet Ben Franklin was the first one to have like a personalized mug at a bar or something. Like the first norm from Cheers is he comes stumbling in his stupid, slurring witty sisms, witty sisms, witticisms, however the fuck you say it.

I don't know. Anyways, so yeah, I'm over here on vacation. Finally took a vacation. I've always wanted to come here and why the fuck not, right? What else am I going to do? Huh? Go to fucking Santa Fe. Um, no, I've always wanted to come here and it has been absolutely incredible and I did not

brush up on my French whatsoever. I mean, that wasn't really anything to brush up on. I like how I just said that as if I was at one point semi fluent in the language. I wasn't. I will tell you that I took it from sixth grade to 12th grade and I never progressed past French one. And, um, actually I did. I got to French two-way and I did so poorly.

My dad suggested why don't you go back to French one and start over again and get the basics. And I was like, all right, that sounds like a good idea. And in theory it was a good idea because I still had my junior and senior years to get through French two and have my two years of a language. You know, because that was the big thing when I went to high school. You have to have two years of a language. If you don't have two years of a language, you're not going to be able to get into any college worth anything in the United States of America.

Of course, it turned out to be complete horseship. All you have to do if you fuck up in high school is go to any college that you want to go to and just say, listen, can I just start taking courses to prove that I can exist at this academic level? And then the head is they just think, yeah, we'll take your money, stupid. We'll take it. Go ahead. Pay for a couple of classes, flunk out, and we got your money.

You dumb fuck. But if you actually hang in there, eventually they have to accept you. That's the other way to get into a big school. You know, I mean, personally, I think what you should really do if you want to save some fucking money and you weren't born to daddy war bucks. I didn't know if that's the right reference. I've never seen Annie. I thought the whole thing was offensive.

I didn't like how Annie looked exactly how I looked when I was a child in the seventies and that they then made her a woman. I took it as a personal attack, but that's a whole other fucking story. Anyways, if you weren't born into a rich family, what you really want to do is go to a community college for your first two years. What's that, like 700 bucks a year or a semester, whatever the fuck it is? You knock that out. There's half your fucking college education.

Bing bang boom. You haven't had to pay shit. And then you get, then you transfer to a bigger school in the better school. And then you only have to pay two years. And you know, at the end of it, you've got the same degree hanging on the fucking walls as the other jerk off. But anyways, anyways, met and all, back to being here in France. So what I've been doing is I've been going on to this duo lingo.

Website and I gotta tell you, it's been phenomenal. And I've been over here in Paris having conversations, you know, basic conversations in French with these Parisians who I told were unbelievably rude. And to just speak English to them because they hate when you try and speak French. And they'll roll their eyes and you'll try to talk to them in English and they'll either stomp away or they'll just speak to you in English, condescending, condescending, condescending, all of that shit. I have to tell you, my experience, nothing could be further from the truth.

These people have been ridiculously polite. They're really fucking nice. And if you're making an effort to speak their language, they're actually cool with it. If you just sit there and you're like, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever you go, do I say that right? And they'll laugh and they'll just kind of help you along with it. That's what I find. I've found a couple of impatient people, but you know what the fuck?

I don't know. I think it kind of goes back to that same thing, like with New Yorkers. I always heard New Yorkers were rude and pushy. And when I moved there, I didn't find that. I found it to be really friendly. So either people are making up shit or I'm fucked up one or the other. There's probably a little bit of both. But I've been here for about five days and I can't say enough about the people, man.

I think they're great. And the lovely Mia. She's unbelievable when it comes to speaking other languages. She just like, I swear to God, I was telling her the other day, like she could be like a spy because she'll sit there and she'll start speaking in French. And her French is so good that they just roll with it here. And then they start saying shit. And I know Mia doesn't know what they're talking about, but she doesn't betray that on her face.

She just sits in the pocket and she watches their body language and their mannerisms. And she picks up on what they're saying and then she responds to it with the French that she knows. Or if she doesn't, she gives them a smile and then asks them in English is that what you're talking about. And they absolutely fucking love her. Mia, on the other hand, I've been able to get to, I had one cab ride that was entirely in French, which like made my whole fucking trip.

I figured this is how you learn the language if you ever lived over here. How to get, you know, have a cab ride in ordering food seems to be the way to go the first time. So I've been trying to learn all these different, you know, words for food and that type of shit over here, but it's been, it's been tremendous. I've always wanted to come here and I got to tell you the limited amount of places that I've been to over here or around the world, I should say, this is visually the most unbelievable city I've ever been to. I mean, these sons of bitches knew what they were doing when they were laying this thing out.

It's incredible. Absolutely incredible. Like I've been to like, I think three parks here or two, two giant parks here that could fuck with Central Park. Well, and then I was big as Central Park. They have another one that's as big as Central Park. I haven't been to that one yet. You know what's funny is I looked it up on the internet and I guess at night that's where the

hookers are. And you know what? I got to tell you, their hookers are pretty fucking gorgeous. That's another thing too. Best looking fucking women as far as a country I've ever gone to. And that includes, I mean, this just might be personal taste. This includes Sweden and Norway where the women were drop dead gorgeous and Iceland too. Like the French women are fucking unbelievable.

Plus they're speaking French, you know? Who the hell doesn't like a gorgeous woman speaking French, you know? I don't, maybe you don't. This is just all my own personal opinions here. But anyways, these other two parks that I've gone to, the way that they do it, it's like you walk into the park and it's sort of, you're covered like just trees all around you. And that's beautiful enough with park benches and all that. And then you basically walk, I don't know how far, I don't know how many meters,

how many yards, but you get all the way in, whatever, about four or five football fields. And once you get in, all of a sudden it just comes to this like giant open area. And then you have these 365 degree views of like museums, old governmental buildings, or like the Eiffel Tower, all of a sudden we'll just be there like a goddamn mountain in the distance. It's literally breathtaking, you know? And I know you guys are going to trash me for saying that, but I swear to God it's, it's, I can't say enough about it. And if I was ever going to live, I think somewhere else, I mean, first of all,

I always wanted to speak another language. And also this place is incredible. And I've only seen a little bit of it. And I'll tell you about it after these messages here. I got to do a little bit of advertising here. I apologize for the clicking sound if this is like extra loud, but like I said, my fucking mixer only has the two prongs and I'm not sticking that in the wall because, you know, I buy like $90 mixer.

So that's another thing too about your devices over here. If you got something that cost you about a hundred bucks and some sort of elect piece of electronic, do not plug it into the fucking wall with or without an adapter. It's probably going to blow up as opposed to just getting shorted out the other way. Okay, here we go. Stamps.com everybody. The post office is always crowded. Now it'll be even more crowded with people mailing in their taxes,

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Oh, legal zoom, everyone. Modern technology is great. Smartphones, iPads, and other gadgets make it easy to do so many things. But why is it that our lives seem busier at the same time? Well, I got theories on that, but I don't have time to tell you about them. But when it comes to getting to the legal help you need,

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That's legalzoom.com, discount code Burr. Legal zoom provides legal help to independent attorneys and self-help services, but it is not a law firm. Go to legalzoom.com, enter discount code Burr. And what do we got here? One more. Dollar Shave Club, everyone.

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with dollarshaveclub.com. I'm one of them, and I'm loving it. Now it's your turn. Shave time, shave money, dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. All right, back to the podcast here. Oh, and I also forgot to mention, I did have a couple of things that I wanted to bring up

before I get going too far. The all-in comedy tour kicked off at Jesus Christ. Now where the fuck is it? Is it right here? Yeah, there we go. The all-things comedy tour kicked off down at Largo last Monday, hosted by yours truly. All right, kicking all my buddies out of the nest here

so they can go out on the road and headline themselves, headline their own tour. It's the all-in comedy tour starring Rose Bowl, Tailgate Legends, Joe Bartnick, Jason Lawhead, and my good friend Paul Verzi. I actually got some great feedback on the tour. They did their first date alone down in San Diego. And here's a review.

Here's an email I got. Dear William, I might be your biggest West Coast fan. I saw you on New Year's Eve and just checked out the all-in show in San Diego last week. Wow, those guys were hilarious. Joe, Jason, and Andrew. Andrew Thamelis, who helps me on the podcast here, actually came down for the show.

We're just as awesome as they were at the Wiltern. Joe Bartnick is an animal. There's never been a truer thing said. He says, if that's the way he does comedy, I hate to see him drunk. Actually, you'd love to see him drunk. Lawhead is a spitfire. He did a great impersonation of the guy from Bar Rescue

by request of the other guys on the show. Oh, by the way, we got a video of that. We got some video of that. Jason Lawhead does a fucking hilarious impression of the Bar Rescue guy. We're going to have that up here on the podcast page. And he said, I was quoting Andrew Thamelis to my co-workers the next day.

And now on to Verzi. Holy shit, Paul Verzi. He's hilarious. He's the only one of your four horsemen I'd never seen perform. You don't keep any slouches around. I highly recommend your podcast listeners check out their other shows. I'd be the water boy on this tour too. I was hoping you were actually a guy in the audience in disguise

and you were going to stand up and rip off your fake mustache and jump up on stage. Thanks for the podcast and go fuck yourself. There's actually a chance that I might pop in on a show or possibly two on this tour. You never know. But just let you know tonight, they're at Helium Comedy Club, great comedy club in Portland, Oregon.

Tomorrow, Tuesday, they're at the Punchline in San Francisco. Actually, Tuesday and Wednesday, they're at the Punchline in San Francisco. And Thursday, they're at the Punchline in Sacramento. All great clubs. It's an amazing show. They're all my buddies. I'd love if you had time to go out and support these guys. The show starts at 8 p.m.

See them all in the same bill. You're going to get to be able to tell your friends that someday. And oh, and also, Tom Segora, one of my favorite. I call him New Comedians because I'm an old guy. And he's also one of the members here on the All Things Comedy Network. He has a new comedy special out, his first hour special called Completely Normal. It's available if you want to purchase it on iTunes.

If you just want to check it out and get him some views on Netflix, you can obviously check it out on Netflix. All right, I've done one on my mouth here. So back to the tour here. I just realized I'm wearing headphones and I can't even hear myself. Not the tour. Back to the trip up here in France. So yeah, we got here on Wednesday of last week.

And I got to admit, I haven't seen, I haven't really done any touristy shit. I just kind of been sitting in cafes, watching people going by, you know, eating some great food and riding a bicycle, riding around like a twinkle toes, having a good time doing that, walked along the River Seine. If you ever get a chance to do that, you're going to see these stairs that go down. We can get really close to the river. Do not, I repeat, do not do that. I think that's where everyone in Paris, when they can't make it to the bathroom,

takes a piss because it literally smells like the Ford Authority down there. If you stay up a pie along the road, it's incredible. And I don't know, we've just been having a great time here. I'm trying to get Mia to come down here to the podcast. She's still sleeping. She's got a little bit of jet lag. I don't know, you know, I'll hit pause here in a few minutes and I'll actually go into the other room and see if I can get her.

I apologize if this is too quiet. We're actually staying in a very quiet building here. We rented an apartment here, which is definitely more expensive, but it's kind of, you save money by basically, you know, because then you have a kitchen. So what you do is you just go down the road, you know, you walk outside and you're fucking. And maybe you learn some French words on food. You go in and you go try to have a, try to go buy your groceries. All speaking only French.

I was almost able to do it. I can always fool them for the first couple of words and they kind of figure it out and they slowly start speaking English, but I kind of just stick with the French like I'm trying to learn it. At that point, I just say, I'll say the English word and then try to say the French word and then just say, is that how you say it? And then they usually correct me or whatever. Whatever.

Then you can just bring it back, load up your fridge. And I can save a ton of cash that way. I don't know. It's just been amazing. It's been amazing. I haven't been able to get up early enough to get a fresh baguette. And I will, I can tell you that that's something else that I learned here is nothing. Nothing goes faster than a fucking baguette in the morning.

These people, like that's one of the true stereotypes. Like when you see them walking down the street or riding a bicycle with the baguette, these fucking people are into those goddamn things and they try to be the first person in line. I mean, dude, they, they, they had gone. They fucking gone by like, by the time I get up at like 1130, it's probably the earliest I've been getting up around 10 o'clock, 1130 or whatever. They're just fucking gone. There's like two or three left and I don't know.

So, uh, I already forget the name of bakery. How do you say bakery out here? Ah, shit. I don't know. But, uh, Neil will know. I keep thinking I learned words like Lishen and she'll go, no, Lishian. It's like, ah, you know what? Fuck you.

You know, just, it's kind of annoying because you know what? I actually kind of got pissed a couple of times when she did that to me because I felt like I was back in French class. It's like, am I ever going to get this shit down? Um, so anyways, as I mentioned, uh, we haven't seen the only touristy things that I've seen is I've just stood and looked at them like the Notre Dame. I basically, uh, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. I basically, uh, one day, this is a great city to get lost in too because you just use the river as your guide. Um, I just kind of go in about five, 10, 20 blocks.

Although you can get lost because the river sort of want, river send kind of winds down the middle of it. But it's, it's been a pretty good way to try to figure out where the hell you're at. Um, but like I walked by the Notre Dame. And it was beautiful and everything, but I'm not a big religious guy. And then I saw the line of people outside of it. And I just laughed like, why the fuck? I understand if you have kids and you're trying to teach them something, but if you're a fucking adult and you're on vacation, there's no reason to ever stand in line.

You're on vacation. Why would you do that to yourself? You know, like we were sitting there, I was trying to find the arctic triumph. And I, I, I couldn't figure out where the fucking thing was. And we were on these great moments, just wandering around Paris. And then I saw this beautiful park and I was just like, Nia, let's go in there. It's just walking there. She was like, all right.

So we start walking in and I started to take in the view and I turned around and I looked over my shoulder. And I was looking right up the Champs d'Élysée, whoever the fuck you say it. And basically at the end of that street is the arctic triumph all the way in the back. And I literally got goosebumps because all I've ever seen of that monument is two video footage. One, when Hitler, when the Germans had defeated France and they were driving up that fucking street. And then two, when England and the Americans came in and we helped France get the Germans out of that fucking country. All of them, you know, all the French women and everybody going fucking crazy.

It really gave me chills. And I kept saying that to Nia, I know I was freaking around. There's no way to say Hitler drove up this street in an excited way without freaking out the person that you're with. And I had to, you know, I like that history shit, you know what I mean? It's like one of the most evil guys ever who was well on his way to taking over the world. And possibly, you know, the height of him taking over his quest was him driving up that famous street. And I don't know, somebody got fun.

I was on the road in Canada. Somebody gave me this book, The Guns of August. And it's about World War I and it's phenomenal. And I knew that France had lost to Germany in World War I and World War II initially. Both wars, but I didn't realize that in like 1870 they had had another war and Germany won that one. Ah, why didn't I bring the book down here? I'll read the quote next week. And basically France lost, France straight up lost that war.

It wasn't like World War I, World War II where they got occupied and eventually got them out of there. At least I think that's what happened to World War I because I don't know much about that world. But in 1870 they fucking lost and aside from having to give up some land, one of the things part of the treaty in the end is they had to let the Germans drive up that street, the Champs-Élysées, right? And not one French person showed up. It was just one of the darkest days in their history. I mean, talk about absolute fucking humiliation, right?

So these sons of bitches drove up the street and then they had to pay like some ridiculous amount of fronks as a punishment. I want to say five billion, but there's no way anybody could afford that back in fucking 1870. It was supposed to take an entire generation for them to pay it back to the Germans, which would obviously keep France weak. And these motherfuckers, so one of these guys off their back, they paid it off in three years. I'm going to go out on the limb and say that nobody ate a baguette for fucking three years here in France and they got the Germans off their backs.

And so once they did, there was this expression over here, I guess, according to the book anyways, where basically that moment in their history when the Germans drove up Champs-Élysées, which I'm sure I'm saying it wrong, it would basically said, yeah, it was something like to never be spoken of, but always thought about, basically never forget, but don't bring it up. That's how much it hurt them for that to happen. And it was referred to, what was it referred to? I can't remember, I can't remember, I'm the worst.

Basically, I didn't realize that that had happened. So the fact that fucking Hitler did it again, I don't know if it happened again in World War One, I have no fucking idea. I don't know shit about World War One, but it happened again at World War Two. So it actually happened again. And as far as I've gotten into that book, The Guns of August, basically the fucking reason why Germany started the first one, kind of England and France and everybody else, they were being cunts to the Germans.

They just wanted to be acknowledged, they just wanted to be included. So I guess whenever these diplomats would go around Europe and they would visit, everybody always went to Paris, everybody went to fucking Paris because Paris is the shit, all right? And people would go to London, I don't know where the, maybe they'd go to fucking Rome, but no one ever went to Berlin. And I guess they started getting this inferiority complex. Plus there was a couple of treaties going on where just logistically,

German felt that they were going to have to fight a war on two fronts and they were going to get fucked. So unless they made a move first, they were going to be in trouble. And France and England were playing a good, the great game of what? We're not going to invade you. We're not going to try to fucking take over your shit. Why would we do that with France and England? We don't have a record of doing that around the fucking world for centuries.

They kind of had an argument. I'm not talking about World War One here. I'm not talking about the fucking maniac there of World War Two. I'm just saying, I actually kind of understood like, oh, so that's kind of, that was their logic. I'm not saying it was the right move, but it was very interesting. So anyways, this is basically what I've been doing here. And now today I'm trying to knock the podcast out early because like I said,

we haven't done anything touristy. We walked up the Champs Elysees with that street to go see the Octetrails. And it was funny, it was a breathtaking street, but the closer you got to the monument, the more I felt like I was in Times Square. You know, there's like a Forever 21 and shit like that. Very disappointing that there was that. Although I did use a public bathroom that cost me two euros. That was the cleanest thing I had ever been to.

But I didn't realize that, you know, you can actually go to the top of that monument. I had no idea. And I also still have no idea how you actually get to the monument because it's in the middle of a fucking rotary. And there are subway stairs on the other side. And we went down into the subway and followed the sign. And all it did was spit us out on the same side. I couldn't figure it out.

And at the end of the day, I have to stand in a fucking line to stand up on something where I can probably get a taller view. A higher view at a fucking restaurant at the top of a hotel where there's no line. And I can actually look at the monument rather than stand on the monument and look at a fucking hotel. It doesn't make any sense. If you want to stand behind fat fucks and jean shorts, then go to a monument and try to go to the top of it.

I can tell you that. Anyways, so then finally me and Nia were like three, four days here. I said, hey, do you want to look at the Eiffel Tower now? And she's like, yeah, we're both exhausted because it's a long fucking walk. Oh, and by the way, the way they have this, their city laid out. There's like the Louvre, their famous museum where the Mona Lisa is, which I've yet to go see. I'm going to do that today.

All right. Which I don't like the whole setup of it. How you have, you have to go in. You got to go in to see her because, you know, because that bitch ain't coming outside. No, you got to, you got to go in and see the fucking thing. I already know I heard it's really small and, you know, she's got that Ryan Gosling smile.

I'm going to go do it just to fucking do it. But every day you walk by that there's just boss loads of fucking kids getting dragged in by their French teachers from around the fucking world. And, you know, I don't know. That's why I'm going there on a Monday. I figured the weekends are going to be worse. So I'm going to go there and Nia's just like me. When it comes to museums.

She likes them for a finite period. Museums just make me feel dumb. I'm going to be honest with you. I go in there and I try. Treesome Nia used to have this great bit about. It was some disaster. Now she's like giant disaster that happened. And they were showing all the sad people and he was talking about

how we sat there and he tried so hard to give a fuck. Which I'm butchering at his delivery of it, of course, was perfect. But that's how I feel when I go into a museum. The Patrice O'Neill bit where I'm trying so hard to give a fuck. I just don't care about old stuff. I respect it. I would rather hear a scientist. I'd rather watch a scientist on television tell me why what I'm looking at is so fucking important.

Rather than going up there and have to read the index card. It's not even an index card. It's like a fucking notebook paper size thing. Of all this shit. There's just too much shit to know. Then I go in there and I'm going to look at the knickknacks of all the fucking. Or the bric-a-brac of the fucking. It's just it's too much.

All right. I like going to car museums. Stuff like that. I can deal with that. So I'm not saying museums are bad. I'm just saying that I am not refined enough as a human being to actually appreciate what's going to be in that thing. We'll see.

I'll talk to you about it next week. So anyways, we had gone to the Arctic Trials. And then I finally go, all right, you want to go see the Eiffel Tower? I mean, we saw it. We saw basically a third of it all the way to about a half of it from those parks. The amazing views. So we're both tired from walking up the street. So we got one of those little bike rickshaw fucking things.

It was the greatest. So we got jumped in that thing. We're going on the rotary around the fucking arc. And then we're just riding along, riding along, riding along. And then once again, because the French know how to make a city, you go around this roundabout. And then all of a sudden, there's all these buildings. And then there's just this giant gap.

And literally, I was looking down because I was videoing as we were riding. And I just heard me a gasp. And I looked up and there was like a fucking Tyrannosaurus Rex. Like a giant had just taken a step right toward you. It was unbelievable. The greatest tourist attraction I've ever fucking seen. And I didn't even go up. We never went up in it.

We just stood there and looked at it. Essentially from across the river, but it's right on the river. And it's so goddamn big. It was incredible. And then we just went across the way and we sat in a cafe and just looked at it. And what's great about the cafes here in France is they, I've never been to anything like it. All the chairs are faced out at the street.

I think she just came in. All the chairs are just faced out at the street because you just, you don't want to miss anything that's going by all these fucking beautiful women all dressed unbelievably. And then you got the Eiffel Tower in the background and we got there just before dusk and in dusk, they turn the lights on. Oh, there she is. Bonjour, madame.

Bonjour, monsieur. Come on in. Come on in. I was smart enough this time to not plug my mixer in. Right before I stuck it in the wall with the adapter I saw, I saw the two pronged things. I'm like, wait, this is what happened to me the last time with my $99 fucking mixer. Well, come on over here near the microphone.

That means okay, everybody. She got told that she's good at it. So anyways, I was just telling them, what are you talking about? You just cleared your, oh sorry. See that big blip there? You just clear it right near the microphone.

Oh, excuse me. So I was just telling them about taking that rickshaw bike over to the Eiffel Tower and just how they have the city laid out where you don't see it, you don't see it, you don't see it, and then it's just boom between the two buildings and how he was sitting in that cafe. Yeah. That was amazing. That drinking wine and I'm smoking my little pretentious cigar cigarette thing.

That's another thing too, like everybody fucking smokes over here. It's hilarious. Oh, that's great. There's no, there's no surgeon general here whatsoever. But I was mentioning that we're going to go see the Mona Lisa today and I'm not a big museum person and I've kind of been speaking for you. On a scale of the one to 10, your feelings about museums?

You know what? I would say I'm at a seven. You're at a seven. I'm not a full on, I'm not a full on 10 because I don't, I'm not the kind of person that's like, wants to spend an entire day in a museum. I want to go in, see the shit that I want to see and then get out because it's exhausting. But there are certain things I love.

I do love museums, but I just don't want to go there and like, like when we're in New York and I go to the MoMA, I just want to go in, see some things and leave. I don't want to spend the day at the MoMA. Some people do that and they love it. I can't, I can't do that. I literally get sick to my stomach when I hear you say go to the MoMA. What do you mean?

It's just like, I feel like I'm back in school and it's the class I hate and I have to sit there until the bell rings. Do you know when I was a single man in New York, the amount of time people go, oh, take her to a museum, take her to a museum and it would always be the worst fucking date. And it was, and I would do it because people say that, you know, that's where you take these New York ladies. So, right.

And I would take them there like I was culture, I'm not culture, and I would go there and I would be bored shitless. And then they would feel it. Like I'm telling like 20 minutes, 15, 20 minutes in, depending on how good looking she was, 15, 20 minutes in, I would be, I would just be bored shitless and I would be looking for a place to buy a hot dog. But the thing is, there's certain,

there'd be certain exhibits at museums that you would like. Remember when we went to the car museum? I said, I like the car museum. You like that? I like, I like there was like a stand up comedy exhibit. Yeah, that's not a museum. That's just cool shit or like a bunch of cool photographs I could get into. Right.

But the, the artifacts, like when we went to, we went to the fucking thing there. I was just going to say. Like the guy who grew on the ceiling. That shit was just. Yeah, the Sistine Chapel. You were like, like walking through there, like you were walking through an airport trying to get to your gate.

You were like walking so fast, barely looking at anything. You were just like, I'm just walking through this because I have to, because it's the Sistine Chapel. It was one vestemol, one vestment after another. It was beautiful though. What are you talking about? I know we have this whole, I can't even believe that you would say that it's not beautiful in there.

It was absolutely gorgeous. It was a lot to take in. But you're, you're like, you're like a 13 year old boy. You're like, this is boring. You know, it did. It looked like it looked like an Italian's living room. You know that hacky joke that they do where they talk about that room that's all covered in plastic that no one can go into.

Yeah, that's what it looks like. It's just ornate. I'm going to use the word ornate. Ornate, but don't you? It was just so fucking over. It was so gaudy. Every, look, you know how you love how the Parisians dress where it's basically all dark color, all dark color,

and then like the splash of color with the scarf or the shoes or the hat and everything else is sort of, was it muted, matted, neutral, neutral, whatever the fucking word is. That was the exact opposite. Yeah, that was the epitome of, oh, I got this over here. I know, but there's so much time and skill that, you know, goes into putting all those frescoes up. It was absolutely incredible, though.

You got to appreciate that part of it. You got to appreciate the artistry that goes into something like this. Absolutely, the same way I can appreciate an older movie, but also realize that the dialogue's a little dated. Like the way they decorated it is a little dated. Oh, I got to get, what is it? What do you mean dated? I mean, it's Rome.

It's one of the oldest cities ever. I loved Rome. I loved Rome. I loved everything about it, other than that fucking, the only fucking museum I went to was that stupid Sistine Chapel and it sucked. When you go there, make a right and go right to the ceiling painting. Yeah, that's the best thing to do.

And then get the fuck out of here. Don't go to the left and see every chalice they ever fucking drank out of for like the next, and it wasn't even crowded that day. God forbid if it was fucking crowded, you're going to, you're going to, it's what it got. You're going to think about abandoning your family for good if you're wired like me. So by the way, I would now say, having been here, that Paris, as far as Europe goes, Paris is like New York City.

I'd say London is like a smart Chicago. I love saying that, just to piss off people in Chicago. And then Rome is sort of like a Boston Philly kind of thing. You know what? I really feel like it's a complete like travesty, that you would try to compare these amazing European cities to cities in the United States. Oh, give me a fucking break. No, no, no, no, these cities, New York, Chicago and Boston are awesome.

Time out, time out. But like to try to compare them to like Europe, like that's stupid. Well, most of my listeners, most of my listeners are from the United States of America. They need, they need a frame of reference. No, they don't. You don't need to give them some sort of like watered down frame of reference. Like, no, Paris is like Paris, London is like London, and Rome is like Rome. Ah, Jesus.

Yeah, you're going to do that person who comes over here and now fucking just says that everything over here is like, it's paid with gold. No, I'm not saying that. Did you see all those fish and chip eating jackasses in England? I mean, you can't tell me that that's not Chicago. Like the Monahartites. I've only been to Chicago once and I had an awesome time. So I honestly, I don't know that much about Chicago.

I love Chicago. I love Chicago. And I gave London props where I said that it's like a smarter Chicago. Plus I like. Wow, insulting Chicago. That's what I got to do. Somebody has to go down in the scenario. Sorry, Chicago.

Oh, fuck you. I love Chicago. And you know me. I'm a moron. I thought that's all I've been doing is talking about how dumb I am on this. I can't even go to a fucking museum and enjoy myself. Oh, so also out here. Oh, you know what you missed yesterday?

You missed these two, uh, I was going to say French people. Like, like what else are they out here? These two French guys. Oh, that's another thing too. Just like in, in what I love about traveling, just about, just like in Philly, our cheesesteak is just called the cheesesteak. They don't go, can I get a Philly cheesesteak? They're in Philly.

Just like over here, French toast is not French toast. Pan du, pan purdu. The pan purdu. That's what it is. There's no French in it. They are French. They don't need to say it. So that's my travel tip.

And it's delicious. It's, wasn't it really good with that customer? Although in Boston, it's still a Boston cream pie. That's because it's Boston. Yeah, we're morons. Is that where we are? I would have a fucking framing ham, whatever over there. They identify everything in Boston, just to say that it's Boston related.

Oh, shut up. It's not like we're going- I'm from Boston. I love my city, but come on. Boston is, if you want to talk about dumb, let's talk about Boston. What are you talking about? Harvard. No, God.

We have Harvard, Boston University. There's, I went to college and asked at university. MIT. It's a wonderful mecca of universities. Mecca of university of people who come from other places. To continue their education in a very beautiful brisk fall setting. Otherwise, it's a bunch of friendlies eating jackasses, as you say. I would be offended by that if I didn't fit into that fucking stereotype.

Believe it or not, people, I did not get accepted to Harvard. I got accepted to Wentworth. Where's that? Wentworth was a construction school. What? This is like fucking breakfast club. When I'm dumb, because I know how to make a lamp. No, you're not.

No, you're a genius, because you know how to make a lamp. That's what you're supposed to say. And I had no construction skills whatsoever. The reason why I picked it was because it just looked like it was a fun job, because I was working in warehousing. And I noticed when you worked with a bunch of other guys, and the boss was sort of there, but not really there, you could just stand around breaking balls all day.

So that's why I picked the school. Right. Okay. I get accepted there. And then I also got semi-accepted to Northeastern. Like, all right, we'll let you take a couple of classes. Mostly how you do. We'll see how you do.

And yeah, it was a fucking nightmare. I didn't get accepted. And then I went to neither place. I got rejected from Harvard, of course, because I wasn't smart enough. My dad went to Harvard. So I felt like, well, let me apply to Harvard. I feel like I should have pushed harder to get into Harvard,

but I didn't. And I went to Emerson, and it was awesome. So. There's my college story. And that's my college story. Yeah, it was great. We're coming up on an hour here. What are you talking about here?

I talked about everything. Oh, you know something else? I've been trying every friggin' cigar that you can try out here because their selection is incredible. But this is what I have learned. Even in Paris, if you want to buy a cigar, go to a cigar store. What's the one that I went to down the street? Enroute Saint-Honoré.

I don't know. But yeah, you got to go to a specialty place, just like with the Boulangerie. You go to the Boulangerie. That's bakery. Boulangerie. Yeah, to get the croissant and the baguettes. And I guess you go to a pâtisserie to get the little cakes

and the macaroons and things like that. Yeah, because other than that, you're just going to get ripped off. Like, it's weird because they got all these places. It just was a T-A-B-A-C. Tabac. Tabac, yeah. You just see those signs. You're like, oh, there's Cuban cigars in there.

And you walk in there, but they don't know what the fuck they're doing. Like, I walked in to one yesterday, and I bought two different sized, like, cojivas. These smaller ones and real thin ones. And you're supposed to, like, basically what you do is you squeeze the end of it. You're supposed to go in about 50% and then it's supposed to come back out.

I like watching you squeeze your imaginary cigar. The rest of the cigar, regardless of how hard it is, it doesn't make a difference. It's that right there. That'll give you a good draw. But the whole thing was squishy. And I noticed that they seemed almost a little wet. They had the fucking humidifier up too high.

And I'm sitting there smoking it last night. It was like, you know, it's like I'm smoking wet leaves. It just, and it was a Cuban. It was, I had to finish the thing. How funny was it when I stuck the Q-tip in the end of it to the side? So I get down there again. It was still, you know, better than any cigar that I usually get in the US. That's like when you're, like, in college or whatever,

and you're trying to smoke, like, the very, the smallest part of the joint. You can use a pair of tweezers to smoke out of it. Well, it's good, yeah. Yeah, exactly. There's a famous story. Because I've only heard it once in my life. I'm not going to say it's famous. Castro, when he was at the UN,

he actually lit up during the whole meeting of the minds of people around the world. And as he's sitting there listening, he's smoking a Cuban, which I think is a big fuck you to the US. Like, yeah, you guys wish you could be smoking these. And in the end, he, what he used as a roach clip was some part of his glasses. He stuck it in there and he was holding his glasses, like hitting it like a roach at the end.

Really? Yeah. Dressed like he was on M.A.S.H. I got you a croissant from Nebu, lingerie. Okay, what flavor? Plain, the butter one. How do you say it? Beer.

Beer, beer. Bill, beer. Yeah, beer. Okay, let's read a couple of these things here. Fake sports enthusiasm. Dear Billy Balls, between the Final Four and the Super Bowl, which one do you think attracts the most fake female sports fans? All just running out the door in whatever color they're rooting for.

Never watched any regular season games. Which is it I say the Final Four? First of all, I don't think that you got to just say that it's women. Yeah, fuck you. Oh, Jesus. I'm not saying that because Ne is here, either. Although I might subconsciously because we have to spend the day in New Zealand. The most fake female sports fans.

There's only fake female sports fans? I would say, oh, the Super Bowl is brutal for the fake female sports fan. It's fucking brutal because- It's brutal for everybody. Because most people pretend like they give a shit about the Super Bowl. When they don't, they just want to watch the goddamn commercials. That's a very ignorant point of view. What you're doing right now is because you're looking out your own head and saying,

this is the view of the world. Thing isn't it, you're part- I think a lot of people are, I didn't say- You're part of the problem. You're the woman who shows up that doesn't give a fuck and talks during the game. I don't show up. I don't show up. You know I don't go to games or any of that kind of shit with you because I usually don't care.

No, no, Bumpsman, but the Super Bowl, you do show up. You go to a Super Bowl party, you eat the food, you talk during the game, and you shut up during the commercial. And then when the game comes back on, you go, oh my god, haven't you think that one cost? That one wasn't that good. That is not what I do at all. You are lying right now.

I don't ever do that. I'm never more embarrassed of you than on Super Bowl Sunday. Since so many Super Bowl parties with you and I've never done that. I usually dip out during the game or I'm sort of sitting there watching it and not really paying attention on my phone. You're over in the corner giggling with your friends during the game. All I hear is, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I would actually say the Super Bowl because the Super Bowl has become like a national holiday

and it's the fact that it is one day, it is on the weekend, it's only just for one fucking day and the fact that there's going to be food and all of that stuff for non-sports fans to still enjoy and then all the other extra fucking hyping like, oh, we need to turn the channel and watch the puppy bowl or whatever the fuck it is or, oh, yeah, oh my god. I do like the puppy bowl. That's cute. Yeah, fucking Bruno Mars is going to be playing at halftime.

He killed it. He did kill it. Oh, he's awesome. He killed it. He's awesome. I'm not saying he didn't, but I'm just saying better than Tom Petty. Tom Petty. You know when Tom Petty came out looking like the guy in the nickels?

Oh, yeah, yeah, the blonde. Let's dance with Mary, that guy. Yeah, he looked literally, who's the guy in the nickels? Is that Thomas Jefferson or is that of Thomas Jefferson or Tom Petty? Of Tom Petty. All right, girlfriend cheating on her diet. What up, Billy Redknob? I already don't like this person.

Why? You don't like that delivery? No, that's actually pretty funny. Girlfriend cheating dot, dot, dot on her diet. On her diet. That sounds like a gay guy wrote that. On her diet. That's ridiculous.

Scandalous. I'm 27 years old and have a girlfriend of six years whom I live with. When we first got together, she had a sexy athletic body. That all changed last year when she got promoted and started working long hours in a high stress position. She began smoking weed almost every night, claiming it helped her relax after a hard day's work. Yeah, man. She also started eating like shit, lots of fast food, larger portions, etc. She's probably 60 to 70 pounds heavier than when we first met.

And on her five, three frame, it fucking shows, man. After ignoring my subtle, that would show on a six foot frame. After my, after ignoring my, probably 60 to 70 pounds heavier. After ignoring my subtle hints for the last year, I finally sat her down last month and said enough is enough. She needs to make an effort to get healthier. I did everything to support her in losing weight. I paid for an expensive supplement program that her coworkers recommended. I started making her healthy lunches every day to take to work.

When she'd get home from work, I'd have a healthy dinner ready for her on the table. I even paid for a new gym membership and bought her a new bicycle. Today, I found a hidden cache of fast food wrappers in the garage. This led me to believe, to look at her bank statements from the last month. She's been picking up fast food on her way home from work nearly every day since we talked. It sounds like a biggest loser story. Not only that, she'd also buy fast food at lunches sometimes too. Suggesting that she was tossing the lunches I made her in the trash.

This really pissed me off. I'm a guy who takes care of my body and want a woman who does the same. She's only 24 and hasn't had children. She shouldn't have a beer gut, jowls, and saggy tits. Oh, you were so in the pocket. You were so in the pocket. I want to fucking take your computer and throw it out the goddamn window. Can you please finish the rest of this so I can go off on this asshole?

Please, just finish it. Because I swear to fucking God. I swear to God. I think he's making a lot of good points. Oh my God. The fact that I... Oh my God. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. And don't scream too close to the computer. I can't use a mixer this week. The fact that I spent all this money and effort on her, only to have her sabotage it and hide it from me, makes me seriously call our relationship into question. What would you do in my situation? Oh my God.

Nia's taking off her shoes. Oh my God. You know what? You know what? You shallow... Hey, hey, we have to be quiet. I know, I know, I know. And you know what?

You shallow, just bullshit fucking asshole guy who wrote this letter. Let me explain something to you right now. You think you care about her health. You don't care about her health. You certainly don't care about her state of mind. All you care about is whether or not your girlfriend's hot enough. What, for you, for your friends, for society? You don't give a shit.

You said yourself she's got this job, she's stressed out, and so she's stress eating. That's what a lot of people do, okay? And you're sitting here, you seem like you were well-intentioned, right? But now it seems like you're just being fucking shallow, because you don't care. You don't care about anything that's going on inside of her, physically or or mentally or emotionally.

All you care about is what she looks like. And now you're mad because she's like hiding it from you and you're calling the question of her relationship. You've been with her for six years, and you're going to call into her question, her relationship, how she feels about you, because she's going through something emotional. Why don't you talk to her about how she feels,

instead of trying to put a band-aid on the problem and making it seem like you care when you obviously don't give a shit. Okay? You're a shallow, superficial douchebag, and she should dump your ass and get even hotter than when, and she's 20, 40 minutes. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Time out. Time out. Time out. Now, how would she go about getting even hotter? By losing 60 to 70 pounds? No.

You know what? She could get hotter by finding a guy who's making more money and who's nicer and just a better person. So she should become a gold-digging fat whore? No. No. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Now, listen. Listen. Here's the deal. We're going to hurt you. Time out. You're being too hot. I'm going to tell you right now. She's just dumpy.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No. Yeah. You're being- You mean she had a better body when she was a teenager than she was when she started to get into like her- Time out. What a surprise.

Time out. Unbelievable. Time out. That's what happens when people get older and have like grown-up responsibilities. That's really crazy how that happens. Sir, you hit the- And you got what?

Like a six-pack and a full head of hair and you're just like the hottest guy ever, right? And that's not going to change for you maybe in 10 years. If you go through something and you're having a hard time and the person that you are supposedly love and cares about you and has been with you for six years just decides to what toss you aside because you gained some weight.

Fuck you. 01:28:10,920 --> 01:28:11,720 Wait a minute. Okay. Time out. Okay. Can I defend this guy a little bit here? Of course.

Sure. That's what you do. You defend the assholes who write into you. So go ahead. Well, yeah, I can't bite the hand of feet. No, I'm not defending this guy just to defend this guy. Okay. First of all, you're ignoring the fact that

this guy, he sat down with her in a nice way. Okay. In a caring way. Nia, to be five foot three and put on 60 to 70 pounds, you're setting yourself up for heart disease and you're going to die. And this guy, she hasn't even had kids yet. Okay.

Time out. Time out. And she has to go through all of that, which you know, Nia, okay. That's already hard enough is it? She's only 24 years old. You should not be 60 to 70 pounds. Nia, 30 pounds overweight is obese.

This girl is, is two times on her way to three times at 24. She's blowing out her body and she's, she's never going to be in shape again. And she's going to live a miserable fucking life because a very difficult life because of it. She's going to blow out our knees. I'm telling you, all of this shit is going to come. And this guy, he did not sit down and say,

Hey, you used to be hot and now you're not. He said time out. No, he isn't. No, we have time out. Time out. He sat down with her like an adult and said that basically I'm concerned about you. You know, we say, I love you.

I'm concerned about you. I want to help you get healthier. This guy is making lunches for her. He's paying for a gym. He's doing all of this stuff. And in the end, when he's trying to help her out, and then she's going behind his, her, his back. Eating, which she's doing it out of a shame thing.

He felt betrayed. And then the anger comes out. And then that's when he says beer gut jowls. And saggy tits. Okay. Now this is the thing there. Like it's unnecessary for him to like put it like, I understand what you're saying.

Well, he has to, because he can't say that to her and he can't get, he has to get his anger out or he has to make a fucking joke. He has to do something. And yeah, this guy's also 27 years old. He says he keeps himself in fucking shape, which you know, something that's not fair to your partner. It's not fair to your partner to go out

and put on that kind of weight. Okay. She's 24 years old though. She can bounce back. It's not like she's 44. She's 24. Okay. Like it's, it's, it's hard to lose that kind of weight,

of course, but she can do it. But I'm just saying like, I'm not, I didn't say he's doing all the stuff where you like do all like the physical stuff. But he seems like he's incapable of being like emotionally supportive. That's not what he's talking about. He was, he was in the beginning. He was in the beginning.

He did this. What he's doing in the end is he's talking to me, guy to guy. She's 24 years old, hasn't he had kids? She shouldn't have a beer gut jowls and saggy tits. You know what he's, he's coming out of like a football coach. Well, she doesn't need a football coach. He didn't say it to her.

He didn't say it to her. He said it to me. Suggesting she was tossing the lunches I made her in the trash. Yeah. Who knows if she might have, she might have just. He's probably eating them both. She's probably eating them both. Right.

What would you do in my situation to help this fucking guy out? He seems like he's keeping himself in shape. He's, he's actually a great boyfriend. If he was a dick, he would have said, I'm breaking up with you because you have a beer gut and jowls. He didn't. He tried to help her with the fucking problem.

Guys, problem solved. Okay. Help this guy connect with her emotionally. So I mean, look, she's got this high stress fucking job, but like at some point, you know, you got to settle into the stress of your job or you have to get a new fucking job. But this is what it's doing to you.

All right. And yeah, I gotta tell you, you get 60 to 70 pounds of weight at 24 fucking years of age. What's going to happen at 34? And yeah, that is a legitimate question. It's a legitimate question because that weight thing is, you know, it starts happening. People died.

Nia, not to bring up a bad fucking subject. Yeah, you're really like, you're kind of like taking it to the extreme though. I mean. But Nia, if you're going to think about being with somebody for the rest of their life, you're going to have kids with this person. They're already this much overweight.

They're not going to be there. They're not going to fucking be there. All right. Fine. Maybe I went too far when I was calling him an asshole and all that kind of stuff. I think you went a normal reaction. Yeah, it's that last, it's that last thing.

You know what I mean? Because you know what? You're right. Everything that he says he's doing in terms of making healthy meals and buying her a bike and the gym membership, that's all well and good. And maybe that's, this is the part about men and women that's difficult.

Because yes, you guys try to problem solve. You don't try to connect on an emotional level and say, like. You bury the emotions. Right. You go to the gym. Exactly. Where like, where it sounds like what she needs,

she needs to blow off steam. And a lot of people do. They eat, they drink, they smoke weed, they do other drugs. This is how they cope. These are how people cope. That's another thing. She starts using fucking, I can't, I mean alcohol is a drug,

but now she's. No weed. And that increases your hunger for most people like, like you wouldn't believe. So yeah. And you don't want a salad when you're high. You want pizza and cheeseburger and nachos. Let me ask you this, Nia.

Let me ask you this. Let's just say you're dating me. All right. You know, we've been going out for two years. I'm in great shape. And then all of a sudden the stress of the road, I put on 60 to seven pounds and start smoking weed. Now you're going to tell me that you're not going to entertain

breaking up with me. You're not going to sit there and be like, this is going to be the father of my kids. This is the person I'm going to spend my life with. This guy, he was acting like he's in fucking Wayne's World. And Uncle Buck all at the same time. You know what? I honestly can't say that I would.

If you all of a sudden that's all you were doing with yourself and whenever you weren't on the road, you were just sitting around smoking weed and eating. You know what? You're full of shit. If I came home, imagine my pasty freckled torso with mantits. Right. My fucking navel the size of a half dollar now.

Yeah. Smoking weed and just sitting there fucking, you know, that's going to affect my sex drive. And now I'm getting on top of you. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Sweating all over me.

Yeah. You've got to get on top of me. I look like I'm pregnant. Let me give you a fucking break. Right. And then you're walking down the street and you're seeing all these other guys going to the gym. I would like.

And you're in the prime of your fucking life. Yeah. And you're going to pick a mate for the rest of your fucking life. And I'm already looking like I've worked on Wall Street for 30 fucking years. You're not going to sit there and have any second thoughts. Come on here. I mean, I might not be as sexually attracted to you.

That's for sure. But I would stop. Can you just tear the band-aid off and just say what you're going to say? But I wouldn't be like I need to. That's the other thing that I have. How would you approach me? How would you approach me?

No, but listen, this is the problem that I have, especially with this whole letter. The fact that I spent all this money and effort on her, only to have her sabotage it and hide it from me, makes me seriously call our relationship into question. Why does that call your relationship into question? Because she's being deceptive. Yeah, because she's going through some emotional shit,

but she's being deceptive about food. It's not like she's like cheating on. She's like, you know what I mean? I know she is. For him to take it to make it to seem like, you know, oh, do you really not love me now? Because, you know, you're not following this diet that we agree that you would fall.

Like, that's not a fair comparison to make on somebody. Like, that's not, it's really not fair to do that. No, is it fair to do what she's doing? Well, she's not doing it against, like, against him as a way to hurt him. I know she isn't. So you can't say, is it fair for her to be doing that to him? You know, something, this is not what I like.

But this is this classic fucking female thing. Where you guys are right when you're right and you're right when you're wrong. Like, you're acting like, you know. Do you think she's doing this to hurt him? Well, why can't she be a little more mature and just say, like, listen, why can't she sit down with him and just level with him and let him know, just say,

listen, I gotta be honest with you. I know that you care about me. I know that you sat down and you had this conversation with me and I know that I said I was gonna do this and this and this but I'm actually doing that and I'm actually, you know, not going to the gym and I feel bad that you're wasting your money and all that and you're taking all this time to make a lunch every morning.

How loving is that that he's doing that? She should, she should do that. Yeah, all right then. She's not 100% free of guilt. The thing about it is, Nia, is that guys are guys and we talk like guys and guys just get to the fucking heart of the matter. I don't like the fact that Wendy said that he looked at our bank statements

from last month. She's been picking up fast. We don't wanna wait home for like nearly every day. I gotta tell you, Nia, that's a chick thing to do. Go through somebody's email and snoop. He snooped. It is, it's all like that. Snoop and now you don't like that.

Now what if a woman did it? You probably wouldn't like that. I'm like, no, I don't like it. She wouldn't be here. She had a hunch. No, I don't like it. Because that's both. I have friends who check for it and I don't,

I don't think it's smart to do. I think it's ridiculous and also it's like, don't look because you more than likely you're gonna see something that you don't want to say. Well, I'll be checking your emails later on today. I have nothing to hide. You can check with all my emails. All right, so what should he do in his situation?

Well, first of all, I should probably apologize for saying fuck you and calling you an asshole. But yeah, you should just have, sit down and have a talk with her and just say, I'm concerned about you and what's going on with you emotionally. Like, tell me what's going on. How does he deal with when- Maybe we can like go for a walk after work

and you can tell me about your day. When he brings up, when he brings up the fact that he snooped and looked at her backstage. He does not need to do that. Well, let's just say he does. Because at this point now, his girlfriend can get-

Because she's gonna freak out. And she can get a lot of weight behind those punches now. You're such a dick. No, you should just say I'm worried about you because I feel like you're going through some stuff and I tried to help you, but maybe it's not enough. Do you want to talk to me?

Do you want to talk to somebody else? How do you, how are you feeling? Because she probably feels shitty about herself. She probably feels terrible about herself. She's gained that much weight, none of her clothes fit anymore. She knows how she looks. She probably feels absolutely terrible.

And her one solid way is that she's got this boyfriend who's home and he cares about her and he loves her. And she's abusive. That's not, you don't throw that word. That's a strong word. She's taking advantage of that love. She's not, you're making it. That's what I don't,

that's what I'm trying to get you to understand. She's not trying to hurt him by doing this. She's hurting herself. You don't know her. You don't know her. And you don't know him. Exactly. So why are you right and I'm wrong?

I'm not, I'm not saying I'm right. I'm giving you my opinion. Isn't that why I'm here? You really have a beautiful profile. You know that? Don't try to throw me like that. I appreciate that. But don't try to throw me off.

All right. That wasn't a legitimate thought, but I was trying to throw you off. No, listen, if I understand the fuck I was going to say. If you gain 60 or 70 pounds, I would be very, it would be very hard for me. Go back what we were just talking about. We were saying.

No, no, she probably feels bad for herself. She probably felt about, hey, here's something. What if she doesn't? What if she doesn't give a fuck? Because there are those people. How do you know? There are those people just don't give a fuck.

Because she's a woman and she's five, three, and she's put on more than like 10 pounds, which is, it's just devastating for us. I'm five, four. And I've been what? About 25 pounds heavier. I understand. Still look good though.

You liked me when I was a little bit heavier. Yeah, I don't know why, I don't like it. You said you liked it when I was a little bit thicker. So listen, I understand. It does show. It shows like nobody's business. You are right, sir. It shows.

And it does suck to have your formally tight, hot body girlfriend all of a sudden not be that way. I know, and if she looks like she's a retired athlete in her fifties at 24, I mean, what is he supposed to do? He is 27. So he is still at that shallow age where he's like, you know, calling into question his relationship based on your partner's weight gain?

No, that's the level of maturity that he's at. Nia, listen, that's a very serious fucking thing to be that overweight at that age. I mean, if you do that to your body and you stay that way for 20 years, I mean, your body can only take that for so long. And when you're thinking about starting a family with somebody, they have to be around. They've got to be involved.

They can't be over in the corner, you know, with no energy, lethargic, and then having on top of that all kinds of fucking health. That's another thing too, Nia. You're not going to be able to get fucking health insurance. I mean, what she's doing is really is effective, both of them. I'm not trying to be a dick here, but like... They're not even engaged, though.

This is just his girlfriend. That's how you're going to lose weight. You should propose. She'll lose weight with the quickness. Trust me, I know. Yeah, but then once they get married, she's going to go right back to Doritos. Well, then that just means that there is a significant emotional thing

that needs to be addressed. So all that stuff that you did, while you got this great bike and a gym membership and all that stuff to support, first of all, that should tell you that a person is only going to change their lifestyle if they want to. Number one, that's the first lesson. That's with drugs or food or anything.

Number two, that means you need to go deeper. Then just the kind of like these are the things they need to get healthy. I got the answer right here. That means you're either talking or you're suggesting therapy, or you go to therapy to talk about it or something. She probably needs to.

She's got like some sort of like eating addiction. I have the answer. Food addiction or something. I got the answer. She's probably just fucking depressed. And when you're depressed, you smoke weed and you gain weight. Like, she's depressed. He needs...

She's stressed out. He needs to sit down and decide if it's worth it. If this is... Does he love this person enough to ride through this fucking storm? If you're not, if you don't feel that way, then you should just walk, okay? And then breaking her heart is better

than marrying her when you don't love her. So just break her heart. The stress of that and the sadness of that, she won't even be able to eat that big king every day. And she'll probably drop like 15. Has he stopped loving her? Because if that's the case, then I... He's calling their relationship into question.

And that's what I ever wanted to know. I don't know. Why? Because he's being honest? Why can't you fucking be honest? Why can't guys be these... Who we are? We are visually...

You know what I love about women? Is you fucking want to use that shit where visually attractive gets you a fucking drink or gets you an odd assumption. What do you mean, ugh? Like that doesn't fucking work. You want to use it when it works for you and then you want to use that weakness

when it's to your fucking advantage. And then when it's the other way, you want us to be these fucking understanding goddamn people. You want us to be guys when it gets you a free fucking drink. We want guys to love us, whether we're like the hot body or we gain some weight.

That's what we want. We want to not... Yeah, you want your cake and eat it literally. No, we want... We want to not be... We want to live in a world where we don't have to even fucking have this conversation. That's what we want.

Exactly. Yeah, I want to be rude and fat and shellfish. No, that's you. That's you guys. And shop and do whatever I want to do and I want you to still rub me. You guys are already rude and fat and disgusting and ridiculous and you get to do that.

But women can't do that. As you want to rub me. I'm rude. We have to be like the hot body, otherwise you call our relationship into question. Oh, so this one guy is everybody now? He's not everybody, but we're just...

We're talking about just a general... You know what, you're so... You just said women like to do this, and women like to do that. Like, it's all women. That's what I do. That's what I do. Yeah, but I'm a moron.

You're supposed to be a higher being. You're a female. We are higher beings. You're not. Trust us. You're not. We are. You're just as dumb as we are,

just in different areas. No. You don't think so? No, being an emotional person makes you tuned into things that you as a male with your basic fucking basicness can't understand. So we already are high,

and we can like carry children. We've got some spiritual level shit that you'll never understand. Exactly. And you know what we also have? We have some plow through some shit that you don't understand. That you don't understand.

Don't you think you need plow through some shit and emotional shit? Can I finish a fucking thought? No. Can you have... Can you be a plow through shit and an emotional... You need both of those things,

don't you think? Yeah, it's called the yin and the yang. But for some reason, you think your yang is better than my yin. And that's the fucking problem. And there's 50,000 shows on fucking TV as much as you ladies complain about the images on TV.

There's a zillion fucking things on TV that are telling you that you guys are right and guys are morons. Start with 90% of the fucking advertising when they show a man and a fucking woman in a relationship. Like that ridiculous one from a few years ago that I'll never fucking believe

that they were actually... Where she's sitting at the computer and the guy's outside finds a beehive and literally sticks a broom handle up into the fucking thing and is getting stung by bees because he's a dumb guy

and she has to sit down and handle the family business at the fucking computer. Okay? Please do the female, the chauvinistic version of that fucking commercial. What do you mean?

Do the chauvinistic version of that? When the woman's done... Have the guy... Have the guy figuring out the family business on a fucking computer as she's sitting there looking through a fashion magazine or...

That's not even at the same level of ridiculousness. What is the female version of sticking a broom handle into a fucking beehive? They're assuming that the woman is taking care of the day-to-day run-the-household stuff

that the man is too busy working to figure out. So they're trying to... So they're trying to appeal to a woman's sensibility so that she'll like the product and then she'll buy it. And what about...

That's all marketing. It's not like... What about the metaphor that's going on there? That he's such a moron he's trying to stick his fucking poll into any goddamn hole he can find? That's what the question is.

Not knowing he can get stung at any moment. Yeah. Always came getting herpes. Dear Billy Bounce, what music are you listening to these days? What's on your iPod? What's the lovely Neil listening to?

What do you listen to when you work out that shizzled Lee Marvin's body? It's as old as Lee Marvin's body. What am I listening to these days? I don't fucking know. I usually listen to shit that makes me want to play drums or learn some drum shit.

So I have no idea. What's... Last night when we actually watched... We were watching Comedy Central because we were on their website. We were jet lagged. Yeah, couldn't sleep. And when I watched Key and Peel

and I watched The Workaholics and Broad City, you know what it is? When I watched it, all that did was make me feel fucking old. It made me feel fucking old. Like, uh... I mean, no, let me go back a second.

They're all fucking hilarious. Like, I was legitimately laughing through all of that, right? Yeah. Okay. But I didn't get... I didn't get so much of the shit not like I didn't get it.

Like, what was that thing? That Hannibal Burris thing that he said? I didn't even get it. Oh, yeah. He was talking about Childish Gambino, Donald Lover. It was an interview with Nerve.com that Hannibal Burris did.

It was like we asked Hannibal Burris for sex advice. And in the end, they were asking him if he would want to do like a mixtape and if he raps. And now he's like, yeah, I thought about it, but I'm not gonna, you know, go full like Childish Gambino and this and that and the other.

And then he made a reference to like, you know... Oh, we figured out like Childish Gambino is really like Bill Burr and that's it. Or like when he does stand up, it's Bill Burr. And you just could not understand no matter how many times I tried to explain to you. I know, is he making fun of me?

Is that a compliment? I didn't even get... I knew he wasn't. That Donald Lover is also Childish Gambino. You just didn't... You didn't seem to... And the whole time I heard Donald Lover, all I was picturing was Danny Glover.

No. And it's... Donald Lover. Yeah. Oh my God. And then the crawl show? Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Everything on the crawl show is hilarious.

I mean, God. What am I listening to? Since they were asking, what is the lovely Nia listening to? I actually downloaded Sam Smith's album based on his performance when Louis CK did SNL. Actually, it was another recent appearance

that Louis did. It wasn't the first time around. So Sam Smith is awesome, just has a beautiful voice. I've actually been making a lot of mixes of old stuff, a lot of old hip-hop I've been listening to. A lot like 90s.

What makes hip-hop hip-hop? What makes hip-hop hip-hop? But I love... What's the latest... Like, maybe Pusha T's album is something that I listen to a lot. Oh, he's one of them. I have no idea who it is.

I played it for you. You liked a couple of his verses, but overall, I don't think you were into it because you're not really into hip-rap music right now. Right? Would you say? You know, I can't listen to... If you're going to fucking walk around your house

or your apartment talking about all the stuff that you have in there, it's just boring as shit to me. I like storytellers. I will never... Those guys that tell stories about guns and selling drugs, if it's actually real,

it sounds real, like they actually did. That's why I love Jay-Z and Biggie because they actually did that shit and then they talked about it and it was like... Nas is like that too. It was like listening to a movie.

Yeah, Nas is like that too, right? I like that stuff. You know. But you don't like Kanye West, I don't. Kanye West is so far up his own ass. That is true. Yeah, I never... Who walks around calling themselves a genius?

Who does that? I mean, right there, you're not a genius. You're an idiot. And I don't understand what I hate when he also stretches out the words. It's like, what are you trying to dumb it down for me? You either don't have enough material for this fucking song to finish it.

Oh, it's a style. It's like, you know... What do you call it? Is that your Kanye West impression? Whatever that fucking... That one that I listened to because I like... Oh my god. So I thought about being apropos.

I believe it's called N-Words in Paris. Yes. N-Words in Paris. Yeah, there's a part in the middle where he stretches out the... Like Jay-Z kills it and then he comes on and he starts... Jay-K and we get married at the mall.

They do it. And it just keeps going and going and going. And I just feel like... It's showing me why you deserve to have it all. Yeah, and it stinks. It's not clever. And he's slowing it down like I'm supposed to be on the other end like, oh, shit.

Well, whatever. I'm sure a zillion Kanye fans can't be wrong. St. Vincent is a genius. St. Vincent is another one that I'm listening to. I guess the most contemporary thing I've listened to in the past couple of years is probably mute math. And that's only because Andrew, who does the podcast, told me to check them out because they draw me

this fucking awesome. Andrew Themless has wonderful taste in music. Can we just say that on the podcast? I guess we can say that. All right. We've got to wrap this up because we've got to go look at that arrogant broad down in the middle. Mold only stuff.

Oh, before I end, I got to just unbelievable sad day in comedy yesterday. The great John Panette passed away. And I got to tell you a great John Panette story. He was just an unbelievable guy. I only got to meet him a handful of times. But he's one of those guys. You met him the first time.

It's like, you know, I cliche. Like, you knew him forever. First time I ever saw him. All I had heard was the legend of John Panette, where basically he started doing comedy. And like within six months was headlining. Because he didn't have the material yet because he'd only been doing it six months.

But his charisma and how hard he was killing. And he was just such a natural that in Boston, where it was just such, headlining was so solidified. Like we always said, by the time we came around, you had to leave Boston to headline Boston. Because the Boston comedy gods weren't leaving. And you weren't going to get funnier than them. So you had to go out and get TV credits

to just do a headlining set at the fucking comedy vault. But John Panette was so funny. He plowed through all of that in six months. So the first time I see the guy, to hearing the legend of the guy, I'm at Nick's Comedy Star on Kevin Knox's show. And this was after the stand-up boom ended, the 80s ended in the early 90s when I started out.

So, and they didn't learn how to promote a club because they never had to. Because people just went to comedy clubs. So now for the first time ever, they had to learn how to promote it. They were still learning. So the long story short, it was a Tuesday night at Nick's. There was maybe 28 people in the crowd.

And John Panette comes in and just says, hey, can I get up and do some time? And they put him on and I watched him. And he did 12 minutes. And he made those 28 people. It sounded like a fucking jet was landing. He had them dying laughing. And he got a standing ovation.

Like he had done like a 90 minute blistering set, just doing 12 minutes. Just, it was one of those things I had never seen anybody get a standing ovation. But I knew at the end they were going to stand up. And I remember he just went, ah, and he just kind of like sit down, sit down. I just remember going like, what the fuck was that?

And fortunately, I never had to try to follow him. I did one show with him. I can't remember where the hell we were. It was me, him, Kathleen Madigan. It was just a fucking great line up of people. And like he closed it and Jesus Christ. He was one of those guys that, and it's that Boston style. It's like, I got you and I'm not letting you go.

And I'm not letting you get up. And like nobody was the epitome of that. So I'm going to miss you, buddy. And that's it. That's the podcast for this week. We're going to talk about how genesite can play an important role in gaining insight on how a person may respond to various medications.

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