Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-8-21

Episode Date: April 9, 2021

Bill rambles with drummer Benny Greb about his new book 'Effective Practicing for Musicians“.  'Effective Practice for Musicians' is available only at www.bennygreb.com   produced by Andrew Themeles & All Things Comedy

COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better. Better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted.

Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, everybody. Just a reminder, I got new tour dates this week. Oh, Jesus. Everything will be on sale tomorrow, Friday, April 9th at 10 a.m. local time. I guess that's Pacific time, my time.

I don't know what that means. Shows are starting to sell fast, evidently, in the pre-sale, so we added some more dates. Friday, October 15th at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, Friday, October 22nd at the Terrace Theater in Long Beach, California. Richard Pryor's home. Friday, November 5th, we got a late show

at the Grand Sierra Resort and Casino in one of my favorite cities, Rideau! Saturday, November 6th, the late show at San Jose Center for the Performing Arts. My shit jokes are gonna be in a Performing Arts Center. How funny is that? Friday, November 12th at the Fox Theater in Detroit. Tickets will be on sale at billburr.com slash tour.

Thank you, and God bless America. Hey, what's going on, everybody? And welcome to the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, where I, yours truly, checks in on you to see how your work week is going. And every once in a while, I have special guests only. And this right now, this is what I mean,

I've always excited for guests, but this is like crazy. We have the incredible drum, one of the greatest drummers, gonna embarrass you here. On the planet, Mr. Benny Greb, who has written a book, Effective Practicing for Musicians, which is green, so it's not gonna show up here. You got it here, Benny? There you go.

He's holding up. This book is so frigging amazing that I'm actually applying the tools on how to effectively practice drums to trying to get my instrument rating as a pilot. And it's paying dividends. And first of all, I just wanna say welcome to you, Benny. Oh man, thanks for having me, that's awesome, thanks.

Where are you right now? Are you in Germany? Yeah, Hamburg, Germany, where I live. All right, well, let's jump right in. I've only read the first like 40 pages because I have ADD and I'm all over the place. And all I've done is like, like even like, everything about it,

like the whole, like when you sit there and you think that you're practicing for an hour. Right. Like I'm gonna play drums for an hour every single day and blah, blah, blah. You always hit those guys, oh, I play for six hours. I practice six hours a day. Yeah.

Break it down where you actually like recorded yourself. Right. I mean that- You're in the practice room to see like how much you were practicing and you realized that in like, you had it for like 90 minutes or something that you realized that you only were actually practicing. It was some really small amount of time.

How much was it? Yeah, it was embarrassingly small, yeah. Thanks for pointing that out again. Listen, you'd get frustrated and do like angry fills, which was my favorite thing ever because I do that. I've been trying to get that John Bottom triplet thing down my whole life. And that's what I do for a little bit.

I'd get angry. I do some of this triplet thing and then I would move on to something else and then wonder why I could never catch up. So what started, how did this come about? And then I just wanna get into how you were nice enough to share it with everybody. So at what point did you hit a place with your drumming

where you were just like, I am just not moved. Was it, were you just feeling like I wasn't moving forward at the pace I wanted? Were you just frustrated with your playing? What was it? All of it. I mean, first of all, I think I found out when I started to go to music college

to really study music, I had to move away from home. And I was 17, I was the youngest there, had no life skills at all, which I then found out I couldn't cook past, so I couldn't wash my own clothes. I was like, oh my God, this is horrible. And then to make it even worse, found out like the one thing I thought I was kind of decent at because I was the,

I came there in terms of like, oh wow, I'm the best drummer in my village because I was the only one. And then I came to music college and all of a sudden I was the little guy and I realized, oh holy shit, I have to step my game up because of course, finally there were, everyone was as nerdy as me, where before I wasn't anomaly.

I listened to a lot of American and English music and blah, blah, blah. So I had all of that going on, that orientation. How did you push through that? Because I feel that's a critical point for anybody that is going after something when you are sort of the funniest guy in your class or the best drummer on your street or whatever.

And all of a sudden, you know, and that's your whole universe. And then you show up and the first time you meet somebody, oh my God, this guy's funnier. These guys haven't been in comedy longer than me. These guys have been playing drum along and like, that's a real blow to the ego. And I think it causes some people to quit.

Yeah, I mean, thankfully, and I think probably the comedy scene can be pretty harsh at times or something, but for me, it wasn't that kind of whiplash, horror scenario, it wasn't like a hardcore, like everyone was pretty much very friendly. And so the amount of like people also like helping me out and me being excited about being in this new environment

of like, oh my God, it was amazing. They had all these record books there. They had all the resources there. They had this huge library of all the stuff that I never could get before. I heard of it, but I never knew how, like that was before the internet, right? So again, I'm that old.

So you got excited about getting like, sort of humbled of like, oh, wow, man. I thought I would- I had access to all of this great stuff that I was interested in anyway. For the first time in my life before it was, it was like seemed already awkward, like in this little bit varying village

to try to become like whatever I saw in the musicians I liked. And so- Who are you listening to? Who would like you? Who are your favorite drum? Cause when I listen to you play, you have such like your own style. Yeah, I don't really necessarily be like,

oh, this guy's a Bonham guy, or this guy's a Tony Williams guy, or, you know, the little I know about drumming. You come in- Oh, you know a lot about drumming. Come on. For comedian I do, but not for like a drummer. I love Stuart Copeland.

Absolutely. My brother had an unusual music taste for that time and that area. And he listened to all this, a lot of 70s, like, I mean, he had Bee Gees records, and he had the Jimi Hendrix thing, and Tower of Power, James Brown, and the police, which I could get into easily

because the early albums were very punky. And I really liked that. And they were kind of responsible for me to grab me by the hand and gently lead me to all-time signatures and like all the Sting Pop kind of Vinny and all this kind of universe. And that was one of the things, yeah. No, were you blessed with an ear

where you could figure out, it's like some of those, with Stuart Copeland, I've always loved him, but I never even attempted, and maybe like Roxanne or whatever. And even then when they went to the Roxanne part, that whole weird, no, I think the verse was the part that would screw me up. Once he really started doing all that crazy stuff

with the hi-hats, and then he'd open them up real quick in weird times, and just his whole feel and everything was just so alien from it. So I would just listen to it be blown away. And I don't think I ever even attempted to try and play. So how did you like, was you just born with those ears? You could go down the record? Yeah, I listened to it a million times.

I had this CD changer thingy, and in the bass, my dad, that's why I also lived in the US for a while then. Back then he had something because he worked for this American company as well. And they introduced something that was very hip back then in Germany. No one has ever heard it before. Totally new concept.

It was called Home Office, which is a great idea, but not so great if you have a little punk drama at home. So every once in a while, although my parents, I have to say, were super, super supportive, but every once in a while, my dad just came home and said, like, are you fucking crazy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Completely, because he just couldn't get any work done

because I had these challenges, and I did that with the police, there is a CD set called Message in a Box where all the recordings of the police, like a CD set, like in the booklet thingy, and I had this CD changer, and one of my challenges was like, how many times in a row I can play through the whole program

like without like passing out or... And how long would that take? Hours? Yeah, it was a day or, you know, like, yeah, took a while. Your dad is a patient, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm very grateful for their support. I mean, God knows how they did it.

My mother was basically my backliner, so to speak. I had a cover band when I didn't play. During those times, did you have a... When you were in, just in your small town, and you were in your parents' basement or whatever, or in the house, wherever your little studio was, did you take lessons? Were you a lessons guy?

I wasn't a lessons guy, no. I was completely out of deduct, as they say, or self-taught, and because the first attempt was, oh, the kid is, you know, motivated, and he wants to bang on things. And I played trumpet and piano first with lessons, but the drums were always the sexiest to me. I always thought like, but this is it.

I don't want to do the... I want to do the... And then we had this Oompa band, this local Oompa band. Every village has one, right? And I later played trumpet in that band as well. But so we went to this drummer guy, which is the guy that runs around with the big drum like in front of his belly, right?

The symbol on top. And the October Fest is how we know that those types of bands. Yes, exactly. I mean, we lived like half an hour, or an hour from Munich, so that's the... And so my mom was like, ah, he's a drummer, so let's ask him for lessons.

So we went down to this community center thing. We're also the, oh, damn, I don't have the vocabulary for it. Like the guys that shoot animals, like the hunters. Hunter? Yeah. The guys that shoot animals. Yes. Very un-Vegan.

I'm blown away that you can speak languages. It's more than one. It's amazing. I'll help you wherever you need. So hunters, yeah. I need all the help I can get. You know, all the hunters were there. So there were all these like elk heads

like coming out of the wall, like on these wooden boards and stuff. But that was also the place where the local Umba band was rehearsing. And we had an appointment with the guy, and my mom came with me. Ah, she's so amazing. And only like a mom could, like the door opened,

and it looked like a fog machine was in there, like from the 80s or something, because the guy was chain smoking, like with yellow fingers and yellow beard. He had a white beard, but it was yellow around the... And my mom was so enthusiastic. And she said like, oh, so that's Benny. And when he listens to music,

he dances around, and he doesn't like the shit, like mallets and timpani. He doesn't like that shit, but he likes to play the drums. And we hoped you couldn't, and the guy was listening to it, chain smoking patiently, and then turned over to me and said,

the first three years, we will only play the snare drum. And I'm like, oh, God. And I said, Savos, which is the Bavarian for Sia. You said that right then? Or you thought that? No, I was so traumatized that I didn't want to have any lessons

for the next six years. So that was lessons out of the picture for me. So I only learned through CDs and my own thing, but to come back to your beginning question, that's why it also was completely messed up. I made some kind of progress, but I mean, to be honest, I later found out I called practicing,

quote unquote, the process of, or for me, it was practicing as soon as I was in the same room as the drums. Right. And so all the pizza eating and Star Trek next generation watching got thrown into the so-called practice time. So that was-

That's what's so incredible about this book is because one of the hardest things, you know, when you're trying something new or you're trying to get good at something, is you, what feeds you is improvement, progress, and what really just makes you give up hope and makes the light seem like it's disappearing. You're never gonna get to the end of the tunnel

is when you're just sort of like in like an eddy, you know, just spinning around and spinning around. I find it amazing that someone of your drumming abilities has basically written the book on like the secrets on like how you can apply this, just the stuff that you've had in this book as far as like recording yourself

and trying to figure out how much of this is actually practicing, and then also allowing part of your practice time to now you just get to play and have fun and who gives a shit if you screw it up. I've been able to like, you know, like really go in there like today. I was reading the part of your book

where you were saying like make it like your practice room, just like you wanna be in there. And everything's ready to go. And it's not like, oh, I gotta change the heads or I gotta put this thing back up. Like I walk into my drum room now, I sit down, put on headphones, and I'm playing. And it's just like, it's just, yeah, the friction thing,

where you're talking about getting rid of all of this friction. So I had these two podcasts to do today. And normally I was, I only had like a half hour to play. This is how much your book's helping me. I only had a half hour to play and I had these two podcasts in this Zoom meeting that I had to do before that.

And normally I'd be like, oh God, I mean, by the time I get out there, da, da, da, da, da. What I did was I set up all my podcast shit first. I had, I turned my car around because in between I was gonna have time to run out and get a fucking sandwich. So I had everything ready to go. And then I made another thing too

that kills my practice is if I don't stretch before I get in there. Because all of these years of like riding in cars and sitting on my ass and everything, I left circulation problems with my legs unless I stretch. So if I stretch out, you know, and then, you know, if I don't stretch,

sometimes one of my feet might get a little tingly. And then I don't play as well. And then I get frustrated and then I stop. So I did all of that and I went downstairs and even after the stretching, I still had 20 minutes and it was 20 killer minutes. Right, wow. And I felt like I picked up the big rock

and I moved it a little bit closer and I walked out of there. My mood, I was in a great mood. I had a great meeting. I like to think I'm having good podcasts. And I found effective practicing for musicians. I'm applying this now to the instrument thing, which is total egghead, genius shit.

And I'm a dope. So I really have to like, now I have it like, you know, like my flashcards, I got everything all like laid out. So I can just literally, you could like wheel me in, like Hannibal Lecter, sit down, I hit the button and then I'm on my simulator, doing it. So, so let's-

Because it's all the same stuff, isn't it? Like, like, I mean, the body has a certain, the body and the brain, I mean, has a certain programming language that either works and there are certain things we can do that definitely won't work. Yeah. Because, I mean, one of the things with the book was,

although there is a big part where we try to find out like where we try to really specifically find out, okay, what is the right thing to do? What is the next thing to do? And that automatically means all the other things I don't have to do now. So that increases focus and gives you also something to accomplish, because if you're always thinking like,

oh my God, there is so much stuff. But, but- It also keeps you, if you have that focus, you're not stressed. And then when you're relaxed, you play better and you sound better. And one of the things that, it took me so long, Dave Elich, my drum teacher out here.

Yeah, shout out to Dave. Yeah, he taught me, like, I remember growing up, all of us were trying to have that big, bottom sound and we were swinging, like, thinking you had to do that. Even though we had sound remains the same and you watched him and he was never doing that. He was down here. It was just, he was totally relaxed.

He was hitting the drum and he was getting out of the way and letting the things sing. And get back to the helicopter thing. It's like, when you fly an instrument, you have to be so precise. You're like, if they tell you to hold an altitude, you can't be off by more than 100 feet. You know, when there's like turbulence and stuff,

a helicopter is inherently unstable. It's not like flying a plane. So I'm like, was holding on like this. And the guy goes, you don't want to do that. You want to be like fingertips. Just like with drumsticks. Oh, wow. And you want to be barely holding on,

almost feeling like it's going to fall out of your hand. It sounded like when I was talking to Dave, when he was telling me how to hold drumsticks, hit the drum, get out of the way. So what it is, you- Yeah, it's counterintuitive because you think like you have more control when you grip tight and you have it and but-

Yeah, and what it becomes is, yeah, then any movement in your shoulder is yanking that thing over and now you're off course. So it's like literally broke it down where he was saying like, this thing, like the corrections are minuscule. And what you're doing is just sort of just little things like that.

And it all flying is, it's just little corrections. And when he broke it down like that, like, and it was one lesson in the whole way I fly now, I used to just, you know, and I had like nothing with like my legs and stuff. I think it was because flying, you're thinking like, don't die, don't die when you're soloing or whatever it's doing shit.

Like it got me all like tensed up and I had to get like a masseuse and everything to work this shit out. And it was all from being like tense. And this book has helped me get, even after the stuff Dave taught me, this book has helped me to get even like more relaxed. So I wanted to talk about when you got to this,

when you got to the school and you're realizing like, hey man, I was the big fish. I was the best Oompa drummer in my little town and you got there. That sounds so depressing. It's very accurate. Yeah. Well, I wasn't even the funniest kid in most of my classes.

So there's hope for everybody when I was growing up. But like when you were first, you know, after six years of playing for hours and hours and hours and hours, driving your dad crazy occasionally. Like you had all of this muscle memory that you now had to undo. So even with your inefficient way of playing and you're still feeling like you're not as good

as everybody else, you're gonna have to take an even more step back. Yeah. And so-called get worse. What was that like for you at that age to be like, oh man, so even my little bag of tricks that I'm bringing here, I have to unlearn and then relearn that just to get to the level

of feeling like I'm at the bottom of this barrel here. It kind of fit in a way because I realized that I came a certain way with my abilities, but I also hit certain walls and certain plateaus where I'm like, it's obviously not working. I can't do this. I have to change something.

And then of course you think, oh, there will be a next step and the next step will be something like amazing and blah. And then you get confronted with fundamentals again. And that feels always like a step back. I think Joe Jomea once put it best when I think he talked about like this, you build a skyscraper or a house.

So you have a fundament that you built that's kind of solid. It has a certain area that it is. Then you build on top of it, you build on top of it. So the fundament and then skills on top of it, if you build higher and higher and higher, and that is your game to be like, oh, something new, something flashy here,

something nice there, at some point, the building or your abilities and skills become so high that it kind of becomes unstable. It kind of begins to wobble a little bit. Then what you have to do is to climb all the way down, make the fundament broader and stronger, then you can build up again till the point becomes wobbly again,

then you have to go down again and you build the fundament stronger. So to understand that this is a constant thing when you get higher and higher, and it's not a failure, it's actually progress to say like, oh, wow, I'm at this point already where my skill level now becomes shaky and I have to work on the fundament again.

But now with different knowledge, a different background, different scope, new abilities, of course, and I think I was confronted with that as well. And it was a good thing. And of course, what you're talking about is this frustrating feeling of when you attack something new

or you go to the fundament and you really do open hot surgery there, then you enter this in-between zone where the old stuff doesn't work anymore and the new stuff doesn't work yet. And you feel like you play with like gloves or something. It's like, oh my God, what have I done? When you're in one of those periods

and you have a live gig. Yeah, horrible. You're horrible. I was gonna say, can you just like forget about it and then go play already or do you just have to kind of go out and not be as good? Yeah. You try to do the best.

But sometimes it also helps you to put the focus on something else. So if you're really struggling with or you're working on your technique or on certain things and you maybe have been drilling down and focusing on that, sometimes gigs can also help you then to be like,

but then I had to listen to the songs and the song form and I'm sure a book that Dave also told you about this inner game of tennis which works about, there's this tennis coach that basically teaches movement without letting his students focus on the movement because the body kind of does it itself. So he kind of distracts them

and says like, listen to the ball, blah, blah, blah, the rhythm that the ball takes and then move sideways to it. And then kind of the body also does a couple of things then by itself. Although in my experience, for me it was very, very helpful with the recordings, with the journaling

to really take a look at what I'm doing because I didn't do that for so, so long before I studied music that then it was a shock to me that what I thought I was doing and what I was actually doing was miles apart. And, but- It's like the first time you hear your voice recorded

and played back to you, you're like, that's what I sound like. Yeah. Yeah, Dave forever was trying to get me to start regularly videotaping myself which I'm still not the best at because it's just so, it's just so disappointing. It's all, it's never like,

oh, I thought I was here and I'm here. It's like, I thought I was here and I'm down on the floor. I, fascinates me as far as like, you know, doing shows myself is nights when I'm off. I, like I go on stage and I'm just, I'm just fucking like, it's like in your world, it's like you're just a little in front

of that you're rushing or you're dragging. Right. I mean, there's a lot of similarities to that. Well, you just, you know, you're not in this zone, you know, and it's, it's like the nights when you're on and you hit a zone, it's effortless. You barely have to do your act. You feel like you've been on stage for 10 minutes

and an hour went by. What happened? My God, it was like a walk in the park. And then there's other nights when you're tired, you know, or just, it's just some weird energy in the room and you give into it. It's, you start feeling like you're shoveling wet snow. And so I learned, there's a couple of tricks that I do

to get, to trick myself into being present in the room and then getting like lined up with the crowd so I can have the best show possible. So they won't feel like they got like ripped off. And, you know, a lot of it is, I'll start improvising on all of my jokes because then it's new. I'm taking a chance.

Even if you're insecure in it, or maybe you're not insecure, but if you realize it doesn't really kind of go the way you want, you are fearless enough to, to just be like, okay, let's break this shit up. It's not fearless. The feeling of not having fun doing stand-up comedy is one of the worst feelings you're ever gonna have. I can't, like, cause you are miserable.

You're boring yourself almost. Well, cause you're miserable and your jobs, they make everybody laugh. And it's exact opposite of what you're feeling. It's like, it's, it's really like messes with your mind. So what, what I did was I will overly act out stuff. I'll act sillier and more stupid. And usually what happens is if it doesn't make me laugh,

it's gonna hit somebody in the crowd, my silliness, and it makes them laugh. And their laugh literally is like battery power. And then it just sort of, I can't think about it too much or I screw it up, but it gets it back to where now I'm, I'm, I'm moving along here. And I was wondering as like a, a drummer.

Can I ask you something first about that? Yes, yes. But, but did you also had experiences where you thought like, oh my God, this is hard work today. It's nothing works and blah, blah, blah. And then maybe you recorded yourself and you realized afterwards, well, it wasn't that, wasn't that bad. Or the other way around where you felt like, man,

tonight is amazing. And then you listen to it. I've never thought it was amazing. And it wasn't, I grew up Catholic. So you never give yourself credit for anything. I've definitely had shows where I've just been like, man, that was fucking terrible. And they were like, what are you talking about?

It was one of your best sets I've seen. And then what I used to think is like, oh, they don't know what they're talking. It's cause they don't know comedy or whatever. But then I kind of realized that sometimes when I was frustrated, especially when I was younger, the frustration caused me to slow down. And like, if you watch me early on in most of my standup

that's recorded, I am going just a little too fast. Just every song, the tempo would be just a little too. If the jokes that were songs, they would be just a little too fast. And it took me a long time to really like, I mean, the first eight years I was on stage, so much of my movement was just nervous energy. Right.

So not only did it have, yeah, it was like a distraction. And like, I'd be out of breath. Like you guys, like you blow yourself out in two songs. You're like, fuck, I got a whole set to play here. The same thing would happen with like Joe, I would be out of breath. I'd be doing a guest, like a guest spot, like a 12 minute spot, I'd be eight minutes in,

like winded, like I was on like a Stairmaster or something. And it was just all. Oh, adrenaline is a hell of a drug. Yeah. Adrenaline is. So how do you, on nights when it just sounds like you're, to you, it sounds like you're falling down the stairs with your drum kit.

Is there a, like what I was talking about, how, okay, I can improvise, you know, act out the punch lines more, get stillier or whatever, lock in on an audience member's laugh. What do you do as a musician? It's always fascinated me how you get out of something like that. Maybe it sounds stupid, but a lot of experience helps me.

Where I, when I'm on a tour, it's actually the, it's probably the same with you. It's the best thing to learn because you can, from one evening to the next, see little changes and be like, oh, yesterday, I will never do that again. And you kind of like adjust a little bit. And then when you record,

but it's the same when you record or journal with your practicing, you collect all these pieces of information, all this experience of data where you're like, oh gosh, I thought I'll make it. I mean, a classic for drummers is, oh, I'll make it, I'll make it nice and intense. And I'll go to the China and I'll just back the shit out of this thing.

The lead singer already has- I think the China is drumming version of a shit joke for us. All right, I'll go bodily fluid here. This will get him. Yes. And the lead singer is already bleeding out of his ears and you're like, oh, this is so intense. And then on the, on the recording, it sounds small.

Just sounds small because it's only high frequency. There is nothing like, and you sing like, oh no. And then you realize the hi-hat has much more power. That's why all these punk bands are like, hi-hat. Like there's so much bark, so much, and you do that and you think, ah, and when you, when you had received this pain once where this shame of like listening to a recording

and thing like, oh my God, it's like acting out like being drunk or something, and you can't connect to how it actually comes out anymore. You think you're maybe amazing and you're super funny. And then afterwards you realize, oh gosh, like I'm making a fool out of myself. And it feels the same way because it's,

it's expression as well. When you play a musical instrument, it's even worse with singing, but it's with drumming the same where it feels like you're expressing yourself. And if you don't have a certain effect, you feel ineffective and stupid. And in that pain, if you then can be like,

oh wow, that hurt, then you will find yourself on stage again, and then it comes up again and you feel like, okay, I'm gonna give more energy. And then you think like, oh no, I know this. It feels right now, it feels right now, but it won't come out like it feels now. I know this from experience, although it's counterintuitive. So this helps me a lot to be like, okay,

I now wanna do this Phil, but I know that this is too much. I just know it, this will get me fired. I will not do it. I'll keep playing the high hand. Have you ever gotten fired? That's a no, you would have remembered. I mean, never blatantly no,

but of course like there are shows where or there are maybe bands where then someone else plays afterwards or something and you think like, oh, but no, not, yeah, but of course I had phases where like, when I had my Stuart Copeland phase, when I started music, God knows how many ballads I destroyed by trying to be Stuart Copeland, you know,

with splashes like, and like a loud backbeat and the poor singers were like, oh geez. All right, I have a question for you as far as something that really fascinates me about high level musicians, which you are, is how you go about learning how to play what you hear or play what you feel versus, oh, here's a lick, right, right, left, kick, kick, blah, blah, blah,

and just do that a thousand times. Because there is a difference between going around voicing the same lick all around the kit and sounding like you're doing, you know, to someone like my ears, I'm like, did he just play every Rooniman out there? It's like, no, it's the same thing. I just voiced it all around the kit

and that is like just going bicycle, bicycle, bicycle, bicycle, bicycle, they're just saying the same thing all over, right? To being able to, especially on the drums, to be like, I'm sad today or I'm frustrated today because with comedy, like last night, I went on stage and I was in a dark mood. I was just in a dark mood and it just came out,

it was still funny, but it came out dark and I said to people, I said, sorry, man, I'm in a dark mood, this is gonna be a little weird, which is something that I learned early on, is you address the situation. Don't let them sit there all uncomfortable, like what the fuck, unless that's what you're going for, like a Sam King, really just work that uncomfortableness.

So like, how like when you're on a tour and you're just sick of being out there and you're feeling this, can you use that the way a comedian can be like, I am so sick of being on tour, I'm just gonna fucking roast this town that I'm in and talk about how bad I wanna go home and everybody's gonna laugh,

as long as you're good-natured about it, like how are you able to do that? Or hear somebody in the band play something that inspires you, like, oh, not over here, that color or whatever is over here and to just be and just not overthink it and just sort of let your body do it. Like, how does that, is there a way to work on,

because I've been doing a thing with Dave where it's just like he goes sing a fill, which is the most embarrassing thing you ever do. You can do it. I know, but to do it with another human being, like in a room like that who's an exceptional drummer, it just, you feel, and he says, he goes, don't you gonna feel stupid?

And you're like, okay, you're like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. He's like, all right, start with that. You're like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. And you feel like, all of a sudden you go from like, man, I'm getting some of this really good shit and then you merely just feel like one of those clapping monkeys with the cymbals.

But that's my job, actually. Like, it's a good job description. I'm a clapping monkey with, like, I'm hitting things. I saw this BBC documentary recently where there was this document, this gorilla, and he was like in a certain mood and he took a piece of wood and like banged it on the ground.

And my girlfriend's like, look, that's you. It's like, that's what gets me on. Well, is it just jamming with other? Like, I've always been like just so envious when I see like one of those things where you see just a bunch of drummers around, they're playing, they're trading fours or whatever, or some of those kids that gossip.

I think it's all of that. I mean, it's, you mentioned a couple of different things. The first thing is, of course, you can adjust to the feelings of the room, but no one knows that and can't do that better than you. And you can do it verbally. When I'm a band leader in my band moving parts, I do, like, I am silly and I do stupid jokes

and I say like, oh gosh, like, what's going on today? And you connect with the audience that way. And especially when you play music that is like jazz or that some people might fear high brow, it is very powerful to be a silly bastard in between. It's amazing. Dizzy Gillespie always did that. I mean, it's just amazing.

Like, if you have great stuff, not that I'm saying that I'm an example of it, but if you have great, great, great musicians doing neck breaking things, and then there is this looseness about it. Oh, it's amazing. Because my favorite comedians, my favorite comedians are super smart comedians

that are silly. Yeah. Jim Norton, Patrice, Rest of the Soul, there's all of these guys that I've seen that like, they just like, like, like Jim Norton has one of the quickest minds of anybody I've ever been around. And he is one of the silliest human beings. Yeah.

Self-deprecating and all of that. So that's amazing. Norm MacDonald, who like, like playing the dumb guy kind of stuff. Oh yeah, playing the live, yeah. And then he does that grin, that bletch if you get what he's doing. All right, so I don't drive people nuts

because I always sort of plow forward and I don't let a lot of guests answer enough questions. So then how do you, how do you like the next thing start to be able to learn how to play ideas that you're hearing as you're doing? I mean, what do you set the metronome to? For me, it's like minus 10.

It's not the metronome, it's not the metronome. So when you play, yeah, anyway. It's like language, I love to compare that to language and it is language because you have building blocks of things that you of course can focus on and maybe have to look at and get a feel for it, like letters or words. I mean, English is not my first language.

So I had to kind of be like house, house, H-O-U-S, uh, okay. But of course, I will not be able to express myself properly until I see a house and I feel house. I feel that that is the thing. I don't have to say the word, this is a house, right? So you connect the emotion of what you're seeing, smartphone, blah, blah, blah, and that's what it is. And it's the same with where certain sounds

and maybe like certain movements that I think get put into like little categories that fit certain emotions or certain intensities, right? Where it's like, you know, it's like, I now wanna scream kind of on the drums. Now I need, I need high energy and then you have certain stuff for that. That's the-

Yeah, that's sick ass floor tom sound that you have. Yeah, exactly. Or you have like a big crash. That's the best floor tom sound I've ever heard. Oh, thanks. I love it. What do you say? We wanna sound like, you want your floor toms

to sound like you just slapped a dead pig? What is it? Yes, yeah, yeah. But I want it to feel like- You sound gigantic. Yeah. When you were at Guitar Center on 14th Street or something in New York

and I happened to be in town and you were gonna do a clinic and I went down and I got to watch you tune drums. Right. And like, I just remember, when you started hitting that floor tom, every drummer that worked in there came in, and what was funny was they were saying,

can I buy that drum off of you? Yeah. Which the real question is, like, can you teach me how to do that? Right. So my tom can sound, I think, I mean, I wanna take your sound, but I wanna get that like,

I mean, that is just, that face, that is there. Yeah, the stank face. Stank face is, yeah, that is where that is at. Yeah. Yeah, I can see it super, super low. So in this book, I guess if I apply things in this book because I always felt like,

I get obsessed with shit. And I wanted to be like, I would want to be just at this point, I would just love to be able to play with somebody, they played some fours, and I was able to just one time, just be relaxed and not have something already memorized. Like, no matter what you say, I'm saying that,

I'm saying bicycle. That's what the fuck I'm doing, right? And it's just that so fascinates me. And I think that it really separates the same thing with comedians. Like, I think there is a, there is doing your act, and then there's this other level where you are present in the room.

And like, like when I go on, I don't have a set list. It's even if I write one down. Wow. I walk out and that thing is out the, it's mostly I'm just writing it down so I can look at it and I, those are my jokes. And then I go out there

and I want to walk out thinking nothing. Right. Which is impossible, just walking out. Sometimes I'll sing a stupid song to myself. I'm just trying to just, just whatever you do. I heard Vinnie call you to say it one time, thinking is the enemy. And I never forgot he said that.

And that's literally if you want to perform at the height of your abilities, the last thing you want to be is between your ears, which to use your expression counterintuitive, it makes no sense because you think like, I need to perform my best. So I must be thinking out everything that I'm doing. And my favorite thing is to watch musicians or comedians

who they're like, this person, they're just flowing. You're coming at me this way. I'm going to move this way. And then I'm going to come back around here. It's not like, well, you're pushing me this way, but I'm just going to lean in because no matter what I am, I'm doing this. Right. And I'm not flexible.

I have my set ways. I've planned it this way. And, but that's why when I, when I see your perform, when I see you perform, it, I get the same feeling like when I see a great jazz musician perform because it's, it's like you say, it's this difference of when I'm worried and not off and fall off the stage in an old shirt. No, that's not what I mean.

No, what I mean, it's the difference. The crowd's ready to not off. Sorry. I'm not good with compliments. I appreciate it. You have to take it. I'm sorry. But, but I think it's that difference of doing versus being more a kind of like here, here I am. That's just who I am instead of like, okay, let me do this one thing and then the next thing and, and yeah.

That's what I said to Dave. I, I, after four years of intermittently taking lessons within five years, I finally came to the epiphany that I didn't play drums. I do drums. And I was just like, I have to stop doing drums. And, and, and I was able to apply that, you know, in other areas, but like, I just, I don't know. So, but my thing was, is I would always say, you know,

I just don't have the time. I just don't have the time. I just don't have time, which is why I love this book because I have 20 minutes a day. Yeah. Get out there. And it also, it puts me in a good mood. So I'll be a better dad and a husband makes my life less friction and all of that. So I had this the quickest hour of my, of my week here.

We're coming up on here. So I just want to, I want to promote this before we start to wrap up here. It's effective practicing for musicians written by Benny Greb. It's the ultimate guide for how to become better at your instruments. So this is not just drums. This is whatever you're doing or whatever your instrument is, I'm getting an instrument rating, hopefully, and I am using this.

And it's, it's so commendable of you where, you know, a lot of people get to your level that becomes an insecurity and you don't want to share your secrets. And I think it says a lot about you that you would sit there and be like, this is exactly how I got to where I am right now because I'm telling you, man, like you, like for the listeners, how I got to know about you was just, you know, I am a drum nerd and I was just went down this rabbit hole.

I can't remember where I first saw you if it was on one of those modern drummer things or whatever, but, or maybe you put out a DVD because back then I bought all of them. The language of drumming maybe. Yeah, drumming. Yeah, I definitely had that. I don't, I think maybe I saw you on YouTube and then I bought it.

And I first was like, this guy's from Europe and he's playing a sonar kit. These guys are always good. These guys that play these drum kits always seem to be good. And it was also like, there's only two other drum like, like a Steve Smith is only like the really like only American drummer that I really know that played sonar. Of course, Phil Rudd, but he's a Australian guy.

But I just knew, no, wait, did, who's who? Jack D. Jeanette. Jack D. Jeanette did. But I saw him at the, the amount of drummers, great drummers that I've seen, that I had no idea what they were doing. I saw Jack D. Jeanette at the half shell in Massachusetts, right on Sterrow Drive. I saw him in 1990.

I saw Tony Williams. Oh man. I saw Tony. You should have been there. Your ears should have heard it, not mine. I just knew he was awesome, but I saw him at this place, the regatta bar that held maybe 125 people. And during his breaks, you could just walk up and be peaking

behind that yellow drum kit with the Gretsch kit with the three floor toms and the black dots. And like, and since then, I've become such a Tony Williams freak and mostly like his solos are like solid. His, his, his composition, he has one solo, I feel like it's a drum lesson where he just starts and he's on the snare forever. Yeah.

And you're like, is this what this is going to be? And then he just incorporates the first rack tom. And then he's kind of going back and forth, little mingle in there, and then he does the two. And then he brings the whole thing in and right as you blow, he's blowing your mind. Then he brings in the cymbals. It was just like just an absolute master.

And I'm telling you, man, you're like, this is like the way you perform is a very rare, you're in rare air. And I just, I just want to thank you for coming on the podcast, doing what you do. Like, like, you literally, like, I'm a weird guy. Like, I, I've become a better comedian watching a great drummer. I don't know why that is. It gets inspiring.

Like, I, like, because I always try to equate it to that because I'm a failed musician. Remember talking to a buddy of mine a long time ago saying, like, you know what, I really wish I could just have somebody come over and play guitar at the level I'm doing comedy. Because it's so hard to understand where you are as like a comedian, like, because, you know, you go down the club, everybody's killing, people are dying, laughing.

And then like, they come up to you like, like, Oh my God, you were so funny. And then they start telling you somebody else's joke. Like, that's like, that wasn't me. That was the other guy. So it's really hard to kind of gauge where you're at. So anyways, I'm going to talk to you forever. It's effective practicing for musicians written by Benny Greb.

This book will change your life, man. Thank you so much for writing this and thank you so much for coming on the podcast. And I don't know what time it is over there. I imagine it's extremely late or early night now. Oh, midnight. That's not too bad. That's not too bad.

You'll be right. Hey, thank you so much. It's very generous of you. Thank you so much for letting me come on. Don't worry. All right, everybody, the great Benny Greb. Check it out. Effective practicing for musicians.

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Mack Weldon, reinventing men's basics. You know what's crazy? I just realized, remember when you were nice enough to invite, I brought my band over in Vancouver when you played that show in Vancouver last year, February? That was my last gig. That was my last gig. That was like my last inside gig.

Oh, I wish we remembered to say that. Is it still recording? You can put this on as an apple lock. Yeah, dude, my last gig that I did that was like in the normal world. Yeah, I was in Vancouver. And I was so thrilled that you guys, and for some reason, just the way my show lined up,

I couldn't go and see you guys. Because you know what's crazy? All these years I've known you, I've never seen you play live. How nuts is that? Hey, when this whole crap is over, when your heart calms down a little bit, I'll come to your house and tune your drums. I promise.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, April 8th, 2013. How you doing? How are you? Today's podcast, episode, is brought to you by Ting. Please visit bill.ting.com for a $25 service credit

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So please visit bill.ting.com for a $25 service credit and device discount. There we go. I almost got through it without stuttering. All right, so here we go. This is the Monday Morning Podcast, everybody, and I am in Atlanta. Hot Lanna, baby.

How you doing? I got here last night. I'm a day early before my big showdown in Athens, Georgia. And you're probably wondering, Bill, why did you come in a day and a half early? Well, I'll tell you why, because tonight I'm going to the basketball game, Michigan versus Louisville. All right, the NCAA championship game.

Why wouldn't you? You're in town. There's still tickets to be had. Can you believe it? There's still tickets to be had. Dude, Atlanta has to be the worst fucking sports town on the face of the United States. I didn't say the earth.

I'm not going to be arrogant and act like I know sports fans from here to Timbuktu. I don't even know where Timbuktu is. I don't even know if that's a real fucking place. I don't know if that's an expression. I don't know who's shot. I don't know who's not. But they fucking suck here in Atlanta.

In Atlanta, they suck. George Bulldogs? That's a whole different story. Hey, wait. You get me to one of them dogs? I'm in there. I'm between the hedges. OK, I'm not talking about the SEC College fucking sports

fan down here. Those people are fucking lunatics. All right, they're out there making moonshine before the game. They're out of their fucking minds. They're either full-on fucking redneck, or they're like that old Belvedere. Come here, boy.

You know, they have that fucking plantation vibe, one or the other. Just talking about the white people down here. All right? So, and the drug addicts are all in the Waffle House. If you want to score some meth and get a delicious breakfast, and you're in the South, I have to recommend the fucking Waffle House.

That's the place to go. If you'd like to maybe get into a fight, if you didn't even know that you wanted to get into a fight, that's where you want to fucking go. The Waffle House is basically, that would be the Souths. That's kind of there, man. What the fuck is the equivalent to that up in the

North? Just someplace we could go out and get some food, and maybe get the shit kicked out of you. Maybe get a prostitute. Maybe have a heart attack. What is that, the Cheesecake Factory? You know what, I'll have to get back to you on that one. Anyway, so I'm here, and I'm going to be going to the

basketball game tonight. What the fuck is with this chair? It's one of these fucking chairs. Oh, I keep hitting the adjuster thing with my calf. Sorry, it's not the chair's fault. It's my fault. All right, you know what's great about this chair? Is it's not a live person, so I don't really have to

apologize to it, even though I just did. If this was a woman, I have to be like, right now she would have her arms crossed looking out the window. I understand that you have a lot of pressure because you've been traveling a lot lately. But this snapping and just immediately going to the anger, no, no, let me finish, OK? I think you've said enough for the morning.

They just say that should just get you fucking going. I'd have to apologize to it and buy it some flowers, buy it some stuff, sorry chair. My meaty calf actually was hitting the adjustment thing, so it wasn't your fault. It wasn't a design fall flaw, whatever the fuck I'm trying to say. What am I trying to say?

I'm trying to say that I'm going to the NCAA championship game tonight here in Atlanta, and it's not even fucking sold out. How fucking hilarious is that? What is wrong with the city of Atlanta? You know what it is? There's too much pussy in the city that people just don't go to the fucking, too much pussy and too much Jesus, both

sides of the fucking rainbow. And they just don't go to the goddamn games. When was the last time a Braves game sold out? You know, if I ran the Braves, you know what I would do? I'd put a fucking stripper pole out there in the goddamn bullpen, so the people out here could make it rain in between innings. And then I think maybe I could get the stadium half fucking

full. Oh, fuck you. What the fuck is this? South Carolina? Is this like a fucking phone or I got to do? Why are you doing that? The hell was I told? Oh, the stripper pole.

Yeah, dude. You know what kills me about the fucking Atlanta Braves? Is they still do that Tomahawk chop that shit? And there's no passion behind it. It's just, what kind of a fucking asshole does that? How many tribes have said how fucking offensive that is? You know what I mean?

That's when I really fucking hate people when they're just like, you know, whoa, what? He ain't got nothing to do with that. You know, that's stupid. Just, you know, it's like people who are under the Confederate flag. You know, they try to say that it has nothing to do with fucking slavery and just has to do with Southern pride.

Give me a fucking break. You know, just be a fucking racist. Just man up and be a racist. Just get a nice fucking swastika tattoo right on your forehead. Stop being passive aggressive. Probably going to get kicked out of this hotel for saying this.

Oh, fuck you, Steve Jobs, with your fucking noises. I heard it. I heard it. I grabbed the phone. I fucking reacted to it. You cunt. From the grave, he's still a cunt. I wonder whose idea he stole for that fucking thing.

And then passed it off as his own as he goes out and tries to fucking levitate with one of those cheesy fucking magicians. Goddamn fucking phone. I hate this fucking thing. You know what kills me too? You put it on vibrate. I mean, there's no way to shut it up.

I'm sure there is if I read the fucking manual. You know, but I don't have time for that. I'm going to read a fucking cell phone manual, finally figure the thing out, and then what? It's obsolete in eight months. Bill, quit yelling. You're just lazy. All right.

Maybe I shouldn't be going off on the dead guy. You know that douchebag's on the cover of fucking Time Magazine with like Albert Einstein, as far as people who changed and shaped the world? It worked. They're stupid advertising where they lined themselves up with Gandhi, has actually fucking worked. Because now the dude's dead.

And on the cover of Life Magazine, Jesus didn't even make the fucking cover. Or maybe he did. I don't know. But what the fuck? You know, they actually had a really good picture of Albert Einstein. They had a younger version of him,

where his hair wasn't all fucking gray. And he didn't have that sad look on his face. You know that look he had on his face after he fucking showed those psychos how to blow up all of Japan? All right, this is the cover. The cover is Abraham Lincoln, Jesus, Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, The Beatles, Hitler,

some old broad with fucked up teeth, Mother Teresa, fucking Gandhi, Jesus, what the fuck's the name of that guy who spent all those years in prison for an apartheid or whatever the fuck his name is? Was it William H. Macy? The fuck is that guy's name? He finally got out and his wife stuck by him, and then he fucking dumped her.

And then the guy who came up with the phone, that angry look on his face, what the fuck? Edison, what the fuck is that guy's name here? Sidney Poitier? I'm the worst. I don't fucking know who anybody is. And anyways, they got Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs rubbing elbows with all those fucking people.

Fucking stupid ass goddamn nerds, because he did what? He invented a phone. Did he even invent it? Haven't I already talked about this on stage? Up on the silver screen? So anyways, I'm out here in fucking Atlanta, and I'm going to that goddamn game tonight.

These stupid cunts, they don't even fucking sell the thing out. They're still doing that Tomahawk chop. It's like, why would you do that? Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, and they got the fucking drum. Bum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum. I was just talking about this on the regular guy's morning show. My brother took a tour one time somewhere in Arizona,

and they were talking about how Native Americans played their drums, and they would be like, they play it like this? They play it like that? But at no point did they ever go bum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum. That's just some fucking Hollywood shit, where they hired a white guy with the tan, maybe even a little bit of a sunburn, to give him the reddish tinge that they

thought the fucking Indians had, which I've never understood. You ever see a real Native American? There's nothing red about their skin. You know? You know who's a fucking red skin? I am. Goddamn fucking redhead. You put me out in the sun.

I will fuck with any Native American. Apache, I don't give a fuck who you are. My skin will be redder than yours. I should be offended by the Washington Redskins. They're making fun of me, not you. All right? Just the fact that your face is on the side of the helmet, that's just a misdirection.

All right? It's just another group of people coming at us fucking redheads. And you know what? I want to get sick of it. All right? I'm sick of cunts coming up to me, telling me that I'm going to be extinct,

like I'm some sort of fucking white rhino. You know? You guys are going to be gone by 2040. It's like I'm going to be 72 in 2040. I'm still going to be here. You cunt. You know why? You know why?

I'll tell you why, because I go out to these hotels. All right? Oh, there's another plane. Where are those people going? God, I always wished I was on a plane going to someplace exciting. Sorry, that was the inner monologue of a woman who got married at 22.

Anyways, plowing ahead here. This is why I'm going to live to be 72, because I don't stay in motels. I don't fucking make speeches about how to change the world, at least on my podcast, maybe I do, OK? But I'm not standing in front of fucking a zillion people. All right? So no one's going to whack me.

All right? I got good jeans. And you know what? Today, I go downstairs. They got the fucking continental breakfast down there. They got the breakfast buffet, and they also got the whole thing you can order from the menu. All right?

And what do I see down there? I see all the man-titted, fat fucks who got the corner office in it down there, getting themselves an all-American breakfast. Two, three eggs, any style, the fucking bacon, the potatoes, just, you know what they're doing? They're fucking grabbing their heart by the lapels. Grabbing it, just go, hey, motherfucker, right?

And then just kneading it right. If your heart had balls, that's what you're doing with that breakfast, the all-American. You know what I did? I went down there like a little fucking twinkle-toes. All right? I was up on my tiptoes. And I did a little dance move, and I slid into the booth.

And the lady, you know, the lady came over. You know, it's a waitress. Like, I think all waitresses should be female. Even the waiters, that's just a broad job. I'm a hungry man. I want food to be brought to me. There should be a woman involved in that. OK?

I'm traditional. I'm old school. I pay for the movie. I want my sandwich made by a woman. That's a man in a fancy hat. Some pork skews for a fucking pope hat. Dude, how far down has the fucking Catholic religion fallen now that we're all, they're all the way down.

They're in, they're in like south. They had to leave this country. They're gradually moving to the third world, just because that's the last place that people still believe that some bearded dude walked on water, talked to a fucking bush, and then, you know, died and then came back three days later, you know? Oh shit, the fire engines are coming out.

I think there's a plane on fire. That is my big fear. My big fear is not dying in a plane crash, it's surviving the plane crash, and then being soaked in jet fuel and burning up, you know, for a nice four second death of, and then that's it. You know, you're probably even much higher pitched. I wonder how many decibels you can actually create

if you're burning in jet fuel. It's so fucking terrifying. When you go to take off, you're literally just, you're in a tube of gasoline. Yeah, Bill, we get it. We understand that you need a lot of gas. Gee, Bill, do you need a lot of gas to fly across the country? Wow, your podcast is so informative.

Oh, so anyway, so I'm down there and I get the fucking breakfast. Okay, and I could have got the fucking three eggs any style. I could have got the pancakes or the waffles. You know how they do that shit when they turn it into a dessert. They got everything but fucking chocolate frosting on them now. I said, fuck all that.

And I said to the lady, I said, you know what? Let me get the cold cereal. Cold, like fucking Margaret Thatcher's knees. And I'm not saying that because she's dead, okay? That fucking shape-shifting reptile, you know? I actually think that she's George Bush. Like that, that's like his alter ego is he's actually, actually, ego.

He's actually also Margaret Thatcher, you know? Just the theory, just something to kick around in a bar. I think they're all the same person, you know? And they shoot all the world leaders all in the same living room. And maybe it's, maybe he's not a shape-shifter, but he's got some excellent like Hollywood makeup, you know? And then like when he was supposed to be in America,

he's like, nah, I can't do it. And then, you know, then when they cut to him over and fucking being Margaret Thatcher, and he's like, oh, Charlie, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He just fucking just changes his voice. He's like the Mel Blank of like the Illuminati. That's what I think. And I actually voted for the motherfucker.

I liked him. Who's they supposed to vote for that fucking squinny pollock fucking riding around in the goddamn tank? Or was he a Greek? Dude, did you guys know Copernicus? The guy who figured out that the fucking earth didn't go, you know, was going around the sun that the sun was the center of the universe.

That guy was a pollock. All these Polish jokes, you know? Copernicus, that doesn't sound like a Polish name to me. That sounds Greek. But I digress. So I go down there. What do I get? I get the fucking raisin brand with the 2% milk there.

All right. I get the milk from that cow that was probably fed another cow. So God knows what kind of fucking poisons are in me right now, but there's only 2% of it as opposed to 4%. You understand that, right? 2% of what?

I have no fucking idea. I actually read something one time on how they do the fat count. It's bullshit. It's kind of like how they do the gas mileage on the cars where they drive the car at like two miles an hour with like a fucking hurricane wind behind you. It gets 60 miles a gallon.

And then you get it and you only get 20 and you're like, what the fuck? They're like, well, you're stepping on the gas pedal too much. Well, how do I make it go without doing that? Sir, why are you being hostile? Because you're a cunt. That's why. And then you're out of the showroom.

And that's it. That's it. You ever go into a showroom and you see the fingerprints on the glass and you see one set where they're really indented in the window and then they kind of slide to the right. That's the guy who used the C word. He said cunt in the showroom and then was dragged out.

Yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about. So yeah, so I went with raising brand. Then I got a banana, put it on top. And you know what? I'm fucking full, you know, filled up the fucking stomach and I didn't go down there and just, you know, just starting your day with fucking 1200 calories to your ass and now you're down to 800.

And you know, you're going to do that at lunch. And then you're done. And then the rest of the day, all it is is just fucking overflow, spillage for your fucking arteries and your goddamn muffin top. All right. Why am I yelling at you guys this week?

I don't know. I'm in a great mood. I'm going to go to this fucking game tonight. It's going to be tremendous. I'm going to have the whole road of myself. Why? Because it's a sporting event in Atlanta. Telling you, if they put stripper poles down there,

they would have fucking sold it out and what it cost me like nine grand a ticket. So actually I have an amazing week. I'm going to the basketball game tonight and then I do a run of theaters. I'm in Athens, Georgia on Tuesday. I'm in Alabama, which Georgia actually looks down on, which is fucking hilarious if you're not from this region.

You know, it's like you fuckers are all the same to me. You know, and I don't mean that in a bad way, but I don't mean it in a good way either. Alabama at the Stardome on Wednesday and then Thursday I'm over in South Carolina, South Kaka Laki and then, no, Tuesday, Athens, Wednesday, Stardome, Thursday, South Carolina,

and then Friday I got two shows in Atlanta and then Saturday I go to the Masters. You see that people? You too can live the dream when you never get married and don't have any kids. You can live selfishly like I do, you know? And go to all these wonderful things and brag about it on your own podcast

and then go to bed at night and cry yourself to sleep. What the fuck, I keep hitting this goddamn thing in this fucking chair, it's driving me nuts. You know what, it's almost like the chair knows my ego's completely out of control and just keeps, let's bring him down a little bit. A little closer to the floor, a little closer to the regular people.

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and up to $55 in free postage. Don't wait, go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. B-U-R-R, that's stamps.com, enter Burr. All right, back to the podcast. Ah, dumb ways to die. So many dumb ways to die.

The fucking song's in my head. I'm gonna kick you guys up with a YouTube video. And I know it already has 40 something million hits. And people will be like, Way to be on the cutting edge of a YouTube. For all you dumb fucks out there, 40 million hits. 40 million people is not even 1% of the world population. Okay?

So any sort of recommendation for a goddamn video is fine. All right? So go fuck yourselves. Hey, what do you guys think is worse? The Atlanta Braves fans doing that Tomahawk Chop or Red Sox fans singing Sweet Caroline. I'll let you think it over. I have to be honest with you,

just because it's offending a fucking group of people that were victims of genocide, I gotta go with Tomahawk Chop. But I have to say, Sweet Caroline is a close second. I mean, that's literally stopped me from watching fucking home games of the Boston Red Sox. That and the whole steroid era. I stopped watching it in 2010,

once like fucking half the Red Sox tested positive. Was it really half bill or was it two or three key guys? Two or three key guys, you know? And one guy I think escaped town via Chicago and never fucking got caught for anything. That's just, you know, just speculation, pure speculation people. But yeah, so I was kind of at that point,

I was like, all right, they either need to make steroids legal or get it out of the game because I'm sick of getting excited about shit. And then a four years lady had told me that it doesn't really count, you know? I don't fucking know. This is how long it's been

since I've watched the Red Sox game. I'm looking at the USA Today Sports page and it's got a picture of a Boston Red Sox who I don't even recognize. And it said, middle Brooks shows clout with three home run day. Evidently there's a guy in the Red Sox called Will Middle Brooks who was four for five

with three home runs and four RBIs Sunday and he's batting 320 for the season. I have that guy could fucking, he could be sitting down next to me in a fucking restaurant. I'd have no idea who he was. Who's that really in shape tire salesman? He's not a tire salesman.

Why, that's fucking Will Middle Brooks. Middle Brooks. It's not Middle Brook, Middle Brooks. The Middle Brooks, the Middle Brooks family, everybody. Evidently we got a guy named Will Middle Brooks. I'll tell you right now, if y'all, you know, I gotta tell you if I'm the Yankees right now, I gotta be worried about that Will Middle Brooks.

I don't even know what's, I have no idea what's going on. What is going on at baseball right now? Are they finally done building all new stadiums and singing dumb ass fucking songs? Just make the Royds legal. Okay. Just let everybody take them and then it'll be all right. And then we'll all take them.

Everybody takes them. Everybody's jacked. Everybody's got a short fucking temper. You know, I guess that would suck, but no, you don't, do you really get that anymore? Well, Billy, who knows you? It's not like you fucking read about it. Let's get it, let's talk about a sport

that maybe I know a little bit about. Let's talk about hockey. I'm telling you fucking cunts right now. Who roll your eyes at hockey? First of all, if you don't want to be a fat fuck, take up the game of hockey. It's the, I'm telling you, I say this weekend and week out, it is the greatest old man sport there is.

All these fucking old white dudes go out there and they're still playing fucking hoop. What happens? They come in Monday, they blew out their fucking Achilles, you know, constantly fucking up your knees, your hips, your feet, because you're running up the court, right? And you got on your fucking Steve Jobs new balance, you know, that the official old white guy sneakers,

which I just bought a new pair of them with the inserts. That's when you know you're old. Constantly getting fucking hurt, right? Baseball, nobody plays baseball. You play softball and that's just really an excuse to get absolutely fucking hammered and eat hot dogs. You actually, softball leagues, you actually fucking gain weight playing the fucking game.

So that's no good. Now you're walking around with this big fucking gut, you know, with your coaching shorts, one size fits all, you look like you're in your third trimester, that's fucking out. You sure as hell not gonna play football in any sort of capacity and that leaves hockey. Hockey's great because you're running around,

but you're gliding, you know? I'm telling you, you fucking work up an unbelievable sweat. It's great hand-eye coordination. And I'm completely 100% so I don't even go to the fucking gym anymore. I just go out and I get involved in a pickup game. I'm actually to the point, I'm at the upper level of sucking. I can actually stick hand a little bit

and keep my head up before somebody takes the puck away from me, but I'm getting a good sweat. And it's a beautiful game. You know what's funny? They have all these different drills and I've been skating with this comic on Nate Craig who I fucking brought out on tour when we went through Wisconsin in fucking Michigan

and he was showing me a couple of drills. We went to one of these stick time things and it's just, there's no hockey drill that isn't absolutely fucking exhausting. Every fucking one of them, it's like you do three reps of it and you feel like you're gonna die. You know? You ever see baseball players before a fucking game?

Just sort of limbering up, you know? Just tossing the ball, flicking the wrist. That's the fucking sport you wanna play, I think. But then you gotta do it 162 fucking times. I would love to get a professional baseball player on this podcast and just talk to him about July and August and how much, even though you're making millions of dollars, how much you wanna kill yourself, how many fucking times?

At that point, you've heard the song take me out to the ball game 125 fucking times. Take me out to the ball game. You just sit there like, I'm gonna fucking kill myself and you're standing out there in the goddamn sun, right? And now you gotta try to figure out who this fucking guy is on the mound and what the hell he's putting on the goddamn ball.

Like baseball, to me, is literally, it's like going to math class every fucking day. I just, I wouldn't have the, there's no fucking way I could ever get smart enough to play that game at any sort of fucking level. I just can't, like when you played football, you just fucking walk up and you just play, right? I don't, I guess you have to figure out the guy

across the line from you, but not to the level that these guys have to. You know what I mean? Like maybe you figure the guy out for part of the game, they don't come in and all of a sudden bring in a fucking new cornerback out of nowhere. They do that with these hitters. All of a sudden you got a new fucking pitcher.

What the fuck's this guy doing? What's his deal? What's his release point? Can I pick it up as it's coming off his fingers? There's no fucking way. There's no fucking way. The only way I would ever make it in professional baseball is if I, if I was a really good third base coach,

if I really knew how to give the fucking signs, that's the only way I could ever make it. Even if I had the God given ability, I don't have the mental stamina to give a fuck when another guy comes. Like I just fucking did this. I just figured out a guy. Now you're bringing in another guy?

Fuck this game. Fuck this. I'm gonna be an announcer. You know, I'm gonna, I stole this story from this morning because they didn't get to it on the wonderful program, the regular guys here in Atlanta. Some fucking asshole spent over 200 grand on a Star Trek ray gun.

All right, 200 fucking grand. Over 200 grand from some rare ray gun, I guess used on the Star Trek episode. And this is what I wanna know. How much crooked shit has the baby boom generation done that they can afford to throw their money around like that? You ever watch those Barrett Jackson auctions and like a Mustang will come up

and this is an actual Shelby. This is the real deal. We're gonna start the bidding at $180,000. Who the fuck has 180 grand to buy a Mustang? You know, they're sitting there fucking bidding on, those fucking Ferraris come up, that one from Ferris Bueller's Day Off comes up or whatever and they could spend like nine million bucks on it too.

Right there. You should be fucking thrown in a black van and fucking taken down underneath the Pentagon. And they figure out what the fuck you did. Where did you get your money? Huh? They probably know, you know what's something, if you got, if you have enough money,

well you can blow nine million bucks on a goddamn Ferrari that you're not even gonna drive because it's worth so much fucking money. Your wife doesn't give you shit. At that point, you know people at the Pentagon, right? You walk into the Federal Reserve and they shout out your name like you're fucking Norm on chairs.

That's all I think of when I watch those auctions. I'm like, this is all filthy fucking money. Nobody has this kind of money. Barrett Jackson, do you ever see A-Rod there? A-Rod doesn't even have that kind of money. A-Rod, my favorite Yankee of all fucking time. I don't know about any other Red Sox fans. I'm sort of a former Red Sox fan.

I think eventually I'll get back into them. I kind of liked last year where they sucked and everybody just kind of burned off all the pink hats. But now I guess they're good. So everybody's jumping back on the bandwagon. I gotta figure out when's a good time to jump back in with those guys, you know? Anyways, you know what?

I probably do it this year. At this point, it makes me feel bad as a fan that I don't know who fucking Will Middlebrooks. Dude, did you just get the new Will Middlebrooks jersey? I have no fucking idea who he is. This is terrible. Anyways, what the fuck was I just talking about? Just talking about no one people in the Pentagon.

Oh, my favorite Yankee of all time, Alex Rodriguez. Watching the Yankees trying to shame A-Rod into demanding a trade has been, and him not taking the bait, you know, sitting him in the ninth inning of the playoffs and he just still is just like, no, you know, I mean, whatever's good for the team. Hey, New York Yankees front office, just settle in.

You're gonna have to pay him every fucking dime. I bet that they have his contract out on their fucking giant walnut tables. Every fuck is walnut expensive, I don't know. Every goddamn day, just pouring. They probably have a team of lawyers just specifically designed to pour over that guy's contract to try and figure out

how the fuck they can get out of this. I swear to God, if A-Rod was abroad and fucking the Yankees, where is husband? All right, this story, we're already been on the first 48 because A-Rod would have got whacked. That's the type of financial fucking situation there. You know, the guy just is like, there's no way out of this, I just have to kill her.

You know, which is always the dumbest fucking move ever. You know what I mean? You're gonna go to hell forever. If that shit's true, something's gonna happen. Something has to happen, I think. You know what I mean? Cause some people get away with murder, so there has to be some sort of fucking something, right?

In another world. Or did they just put that in your head? Because if there really was no ramifications, they didn't make that shit up that people would just be walking around killing people. Can you imagine if you just had no fucking conscience and you just did that? Anybody who was just annoying you, you just fucking killed them

and you were so good at it, you never got caught. What that could, could you have still enjoy life? I guess if you don't have a conscience, I'm trying to think how many people I would actually like seriously would have killed. I don't think I ever would have killed anybody. It's an interesting question. No, I don't think I could.

Oh, there's been a few I wanted to. All right, let's get to the questions this week before I fucking start incriminating myself. When it rains, it pours. Hey, you redheaded bastard. So I know this is gonna be a horrible email, but I listen to your podcast every fucking Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or whenever you get it up here.

Will you guys stop saying fucking Wednesday? It's not even Tuesday, it's late Monday, you fucking whining cunts. For the last fucking time, I tape it Monday morning, my time. It's not about you, it's about me. So go fuck yourselves. Fucking bitching about a free goddamn podcast.

You guys, the internet is a bunch of whiny cunts, whiny, unoriginal cunts, by the way. All right, you people out there, you gotta set up, you gotta fucking step up your Twitter game. Stop using stock fucking lines. I want the last three minutes and 28 seconds of my life back. It's just like, isn't that the most unoriginal

fucking thing ever? I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Like, you've read that a million fucking times on fucking Twitter, and you're gonna write it again, like you're gonna get a laugh. You know, has anybody ever come up to you, told you a fucking street joke, and then right after that, told it to you again?

No, because it's only funny once, but you fucking Twitter hacks the same fuck, that feeling when, wait, what? That's like the fucking hacky tag. Same fucking people will then bitch that there's no fucking original TV shit out there, and then they're just these unoriginal cunts. And you know what's funny?

They're all, they're just repeating shit that they've heard, and then they're all laughing at fucking asses off, at their own shit. It's fucking annoying. Oh, I forgot to bring up the hockey thing, but I was gonna say, you know what's killing me right now? Is I think because of the injuries that the penguins have, and the fact that the fucking Bruins

can't score more than two goals a fucking game, I actually think that the Canadians are the team to beat right now in the East, and it fucking kills me that those cunts are looking like they actually have a shot at winning a cup this year. Because there's nothing I enjoy more than the fact that the Montreal Canadians

are just not a factor anymore. But they're never gonna be a factor ever again. The way that they were. I mean, it's a fucking 30 team league now. I mean, dominating a fucking 16 league is really, of all like, they look back at the Yankee Dynasty, the Celtics, the fucking Packers and Steelers,

and then the Canadians. The Canadians is the most, that one has the most fucking holes in it. You know what I mean? You dominated a 16 fucking league. You had to beat five other fucking teams. Okay, four of which were in the United States of America. A country that could give a flying fuck about hockey.

Nobody wanted to be the next Rocket Richard down here. They wanted to be the next Mickey Mantle. Nobody gave a fuck. So four out of the five teams, all you had to beat was the Maple Leafs. And in fact, up until 1967, as far as Stanley Cups went, the Canadians and the Maple Leafs

were going blow for blow. They didn't win. This is how much hockey didn't mean shit in this country. I saw a story one time on the NHL channel, the radio, morning radio program, where they were talking about how the Rangers finally made it to the Stanley Cup Finals. And Madison Square Garden

so didn't give a fuck about hockey every year, they booked the circus in Madison Square Garden during the time when the Stanley Cup Finals was. So the fucking Rangers make it and they're like, fuck you, we already have the circus. And they're like, but wait a minute, we're in the Stanley Cup Finals. And they go, yeah, but we got elephants.

Go fuck yourself. So the Rangers had to play their home games. They put them in Toronto because they were playing Detroit and they figured Toronto was the closest, you know, I guess, I don't know, to fucking Detroit. So maybe you'd get some Toronto fans that hated Detroit. I don't know why they just didn't send them to Chicago.

Who the fuck knows? That's how much hockey meant, you know? So that's what I'm saying. I look at that dynasty like it's fucking bullshit. Not bullshit. I respect it, but it's kind of like, eesh, you know. Okay, five other fucking teams. Wow, did you go on a run?

That's amazing. You had a one in five fucking chance of winning it. How did you do it? So anyways, Bill, hey, your red-headed bastard. So I know, but anyways, I've been riding on a high point for the first time this month and I wanted to get your opinion on this matter.

I was on a low point when it came to the ladies and I couldn't bag a 300 pound baldy for the life of me. Baldy, you're talking about a woman here. Same with a fatty with a shaved pussy. What are you talking about? All of a sudden I've been landing every hot broad I've been interested in for the last past six months and I just don't fucking get it.

Well, dude, don't overthink it. It's like golf. Don't get in your head. Just fucking swing away. How does it work that nothing about me has really changed besides I bought a new shirt and maybe did a few more pull-ups than normal, but it just seems like when it's raining,

it's pouring pussy. Do women smell it on you or what? I'm not exaggerating this, man. I've landed two of the hottest girls I've ever met in my entire life this past two weeks. I just wanted to ask the age-old question, why in the fuck does this all happen at once? Why can't life space this out

so I can ride the wave for a year or two and be happy instead of having it all happen at once and life sucks eight out of 12 months of the year? Because getting pussies, it's like playing golf. It's a fucking mental game. All right, and if you have a bad shot, you gotta block the last one out. It's like a relief picture.

You let up a home run, fuck it, give me another ball and you just block, you gotta block it out. But what happens is you start to feel like you're in a slump and then you get desperate and fucking women just, they smell it on you. You're coming in there, you're trying too hard, extra splash of cologne, you're fucking, you're right in that grill.

Like Louisville, full court fucking press, you're right up on that fucking pussy and then that's it, it's over. They get all nervous and they pick up their ball and they go home. You can't give a fuck. I've only golfed a few times, but I don't keep score. I refuse to give a shit about that sport

and I have a great time and everybody else is fucking throwing their clubs and getting all pissed off. I don't give a fuck. I'm having a great time. You know what, I'm going for the hole. I'm going for the pin. You know, I fucking miss and I suck, but I'm having a good time.

That's all you gotta do. You gotta go fill Mickelson on these bitches, all right? Don't fucking try and two putt and get par. Go for the birdie. You know what, if you miss it, who gives a fuck? You gotta stay in that zone and not giving a shit, sir. And even then you're still gonna, there's gonna be feast of famine.

That's just how it is. If I knew the answer to that, you know, I would have done much better in my pathetic trying to get some career. All right, book of Job. God is the glory of Vegas. Okay, hey, hey, Bill, listening to the podcast and religious, the religious douche giving his douchey

impression of the story of Job pissed me off. First of all, the phrase he got jobbed is actually derived from the story of Job. Oh, we just pronounced it, right? Is it Job or Jobbed? I don't fucking know. Here's why. First of all, Christians condemn gambling

and yet hold bingo parties in the church parlors every week, but the book of Job actually reveals that God is all for gambling, because not only did God make the very first wager, God was also the first pit boss and heaven was the first casino. I like where this guy's going. The Bible's story is that Job was so devastated

to vote it to God, sorry, that there was no way he would ever curse God's name. The devil went to heaven and said to God, no shit, he won't curse you. He's rich as fuck. He's got a hot wife, seven no non-gay sons and three great looking daughters who don't date. Give me five minutes with that piece of shit

and I'll get him to curse you upside down till next Tuesday. And God said, yeah, you wanna make a fucking wager? See, God knew Job. God made Job, God knew 100% for certain that he would win this. This bet, bingo, God is now the first casino boss because God has an inside knowledge of the game.

God even gave the devil the odds. So they shook on it and the devil goes out, fucking over Job, something fierce. Rape and killed his kids, holy shit, kids. Rape and killed his kids, really? Burned all his house and crops, killed all his livestock, but the worst, the devil essentially gave Job herpes,

but not just to Job's wife. What the fuck, herpes, but not to Job's wife. Try explaining that to your wife without at least cursing God a little under your breath. But Job never caved, so God won the bet. Of course God won, it's God. God did give Job all his stuff back, but now, but how stupid was the devil

that he bet against God? The same as all of us when we go to Vegas and come out saying I got Jobbed. Ah, Jesus Christ, that was so fucking clever, it made my fucking head burst. I think you're absolutely right. But I just, I got halfway through that story and it's like there's no way

that someone wouldn't freak the fuck out. Rape his fucking kids. Why is the Bible just so fucking violent like that? And you just have to sit there and like, you know why? Because they want you to be just completely 100% devoted to the bullshit that they're giving you that the invisible guy is saying.

Their version of what the invisible guy is saying. To the point that someone can come and rape your kids, burn down your houses and your crops, kill all your livestock, and at no point you're not supposed to be like, God damn it! At any point, you're not supposed to fucking say that. And if you don't, God's gonna give you everything back.

He isn't. Horrible shit happened to people's families like that. And God doesn't come back and make it fucking better. But fucking idiots, we'll go to church and they'll hear that fucking story and they will believe it. Sorry, sir, you made a great, that almost seemed like a very

Carl and S kind of bit there. Sorry, it's just my fucking opinion on a organized religion. I get a little flustered. I get a little hot under the collar. Law school or bust? Hey, Bill, love the podcast, nobody, blah, blah, blah. So my question has to do with the law school.

Oh, with law school. My brain is not fucking working today. I'm gonna be done my first year of law school in three weeks and I hated it. I have never found anything I like to do in my life other than the usual underachievable things like my love for hockey and football. I hate every job I have ever had

and I thought law school might be the answer. But it's not, well, but it's not been. I cannot stand law school and I cannot stand the thought of the career in law. These professors always talk about all the rules, all the restrictions, all the dealing face to face with people's problems. It sounds exhausting.

It sounds not fun at all. And I have zero enjoyment from it. I already know the answer to your problems here, sir. Or at least I feel I do. So my question is this, my friends and family all say this is just part of life. Nobody loves their job, nobody likes school, et cetera. But I see these people who love their jobs.

I see people in my class that love their law school stuff. I don't know whether I should stick it out in school and just pray it grows on me. The debts from law school are insane. Hope it grows on me like everyone says it might. Or should I take the plunge and change direction completely look for something else that pulls my excitement?

I do not know what to do and it weighs on me daily. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Dude, you're ignoring your inner voice, which is saying I don't like this shit. Okay, and what you're gonna, but it's a safe way to go. You get a law degree, you become a partner, right? And all of a sudden you're making money and you fucking hate your life.

And you know what? You're gonna bring that home to your wife and your kids and you're gonna be an asshole husband and father and because you hate your fucking job. All right, oh, you could possibly do that. Who knows, you could come home and just fucking leave it at the front door. Look dude, all right.

You said you have a love for hockey and football. Do you know how many fucking jobs there are? Why don't you go into that? You know, if you're gonna stick with law school, I become a sports agent. So you at least around it. But if I was into hockey or football, I don't know. I would try to get into broadcasting,

get into journalism, maybe become a sports trainer, something, there's all kinds of jobs at the high school, work your way up to college and all that type of shit. You know, I would go that route. If you like sports and you're into that, you know, there's this philosophy by a lot of people who don't go after their fucking dreams that if you, that those aren't real jobs,

like getting in any sort of entertainment or having any sort of an exciting fucking job, I don't know, be one of those white water rafting guides, those fucking people, you know, who get all kinds of fucking pussy because you got these people who, this is their one week vacation from the job they hate and they see this person who's totally free,

loving life, you didn't know women. Oh my God, that looks fun. I need it inside me, right? You see, they're getting banged up against some rock right next to the Kors fucking factory. That's what I would do, sir. You sound absolutely fucking miserable. It seems like you love hockey and football.

So I would try and find a job in hockey and football. And I know that sounds fucking insane, but you know, so is telling jokes for a living. I wasn't the funniest guy in high school. I was funny, but I wasn't the funniest. I just went to a fucking open mic and I turned everything that I used to get in trouble for into now I make money.

And now I'm here in Atlanta, two feet from a fucking airport, breathing in jet fuel, gonna go to the NCAA championship game because I tell jokes for a fucking living. You too, sir, can live your dream. If a dumb fuck like me could do it, you can do it too. It sounds like you absolutely fucking hate being in law school, all right?

It's gonna be terrible, dude. Then you become a lawyer and then because you hate it, you're gonna be looking for a big score, you know, and you're gonna do some, you know, some sort of corruptible fucking thing to get your fucking money so you can parachute your way out of there. You can be sitting in your stupid office

with your cufflinks and your little tie-tack just counting down the days, you know, to when you fucking have a vacation. Dude, you're gonna be a trial lawyer and somebody's freedom is gonna be on the line and you're not gonna have any fucking passion for it. You're gonna be sitting across them and going, oh my God, if I listen to them, listen to one more person

tell me that drugs were planted on them. You mean, I'm telling you, don't fucking do it. All right, you can have a fun job and make money. It's one of the biggest fucking lies that's told by the generation and, you know, if your parents are fucking miserable and they hate their job, they don't know. They don't know.

So they're telling you what they know, that, you know what, life's tough and you go and you sit there and you hit the books. You have this fucking miserable fucking existence. You don't have to do it. Look at all these fucking people writing blogs. These fucking people out there who like, they're into food.

I'm a foodie and they go around. Oh my God, the Apple had a little too much cinnamon on it. They take pictures of it. Makes you know they got advertising and then they're making money. Sitting there in the fucking pajamas, eating fruit loops, reviewing it, making money. You can't make money in fucking hockey and football.

I, you're out of your fucking mind, sir. I felt the weight of your fucking life reading that thing. All right, so please, for the love of God, for all the innocent men that you're gonna defend half-heartedly in the future, please, tap out of that fucking industry and go someplace that you give a fuck, all right? And that's it, sir.

And you know what, that's one to grow on. Meet and greets. Hey Bill, I'm curious what you think about the meet and greet, taking pictures, et cetera, with people who attend your shows. Is it completely awkward? I fucking hate that word. Stop using that word.

Such a fucking overly used goddamn word. The whole fucking generation. The sun is shining, awkward, laughing my ass off, shaking my head, tweet. Do you enjoy it? Is it nice to hear people tell you how funny you are or does it just become ridiculous? I see pictures that fans take with artists

and always wonder if the artists are thinking kill me now or if they appreciate someone wanting to take a picture with them in that setting. Have a great day and go fuck yourself. The meet and greet is like doing a whole other show. If you're tired, it's a fucking pain in the ass. But if you go out there, you put a fucking smile on your face

and you take pictures with people. It's really what it is. What makes it exhausting is 15% of the people. 85% of fucking cool. It's the 15% that are fucking hammered and they're slapping you on the back and they're fucking sweaty. There's a bunch of like,

I understand why Howie Mandel does the fist bump. But generally speaking, I like going out there. I like going out there and having people say, hey, I had a bad day and I listened to the podcast. I've had people come up to me and say, their mom has cancer and she watched all three of your specials and put a smile on her face. I mean, that's worth going out there

and dealing with when, one of my pet peeves is when somebody's much taller than me as a guy and they put their arm around me and their sweaty fucking warm armpit is resting on one of my shoulders. I fucking hate that. It makes it worth it when you hear stories like that or you got people who are going off to war

or came back or whatever and they say they listen to your joke so there's always a couple of cool conversations that makes it worth it. What makes it annoying is when people don't have their cell phones ready or they hand them to somebody they don't even know and then they don't know how to use the phone and then they get upset because this complete stranger

doesn't know how to use this phone that's not even theirs. And at that point you already have your arms around these complete strangers and then that gets a little weird. But you know, it's a part of it. You know, you don't like fucking doing that and you know, don't don't don't jump on stage. You know, that's how I look at it.

I mean, sometimes I don't go out there if I'm fucking exhausted and I feel like I'm getting sick. I won't go out there because you know, I'm gonna go out there shaking all these fucking hands and I'm gonna get everybody's germs all over me then I'm gonna get sick. And then my next show is gonna suck because I'm gonna be sick.

And you know, I have that's my first obligation is you paid a ticket to see me give you a great fucking show. And if I don't do that, you know, what's the point? All right, so there you go. All right, single man advice. Oh, also, I gotta be honest with you too. When I first used to go out there, you mean it's a skill to know how to actually talk

and interact. It's like a whole new skill you have to learn. So I wasn't good at it at first. I just feel like, hey, how are you? Did you like the show? You know, I was really bad at it. And through watching certain people who were just naturally good at it,

like I always thought Dane was really good at it. Kevin Hart, I thought was really just naturally good at it. And I would just kind of watch how they interacted with people and tried to use that as a, I don't know, it was a guideline on how to fucking do it, you know? So anyways, but I have to admit, like people never used to do that.

The interaction that you guys have now with people that you see at shows is fucking insane. You know, I went to a no doubt concert and she was like taking pictures, like grabbing people's cell phones and taking like fucking selfies, I guess is what they call them, with people in the fucking crowd.

And I actually found that annoying. It's like, I came here to see you guys, all right? You know, I know now you have to kiss the crowds ass to like some fucking unbelievable level, but I just think it like knocks down. It's like you're a fucking rock star, be a rock star. You should be that accessible, you know? I don't fucking know, whatever.

Here we go, single man advice. Hi Bill, okay, maybe just Bill, maybe a little more than that. No, just Bill, I'm keeping the intro simple. I'm single and need advice. I don't know what soup to choose. I'm really fond of clam chowder. Are these euphemisms for different kinds of women?

Really fond of clam chowder, right? So you're like a pasty redhead, but know that chicken noodle soup would be better paint the picture of the classic bachelor role. What? You guys, why do you guys leave out like four words in a row and just make me sound even dumber than I am? Which soup would look better spilled

on the plain white t-shirt? Also, I just cleaned my apartment after letting the dust build for a while. Is this a problem? Thanks for the advice. Thanks for any advice. It worked. Single man advice.

Do I really have to answer this fucking thing? What you look better do? Clam chowder is like crustacean jizz. Clam chowder is fucking disgusting. It's fucking gross. It's like lobster puke. Ah, it's just warm with that chunks of shit and all the women are turning this off,

but it's fucking clam chowder is octopus jizz. Okay, an octopus that's taking propicia and is having a reaction to it. And that's what those chunks are. Chicken noodle soup. Come on, man, that's hardy. That's good stuff. That broth is barely gonna show up.

Dude, if you fucking, you know, if you get clam chowder on your t-shirt, people are gonna think you took a fucking hot one to the face dribbled off your goddamn chin. Wow, disgusting. Lobster puke, octopus jizz, and then a fucking male on male facial to end the fucking podcast.

How do you like that? Huh, right there. Fucking two point, minus two points for the dismount. I think that that is, are we gonna end with that? Let's hype some of my shows here, everybody. Oh, by the way, by the way, I almost forgot to bring up the hard copy version of You People Are All The Same for all the old school media consumption sumers,

whatever the fuck you say out there. If you're old school like me, and if you really like something, you just don't wanna download it, I don't like doing that, because if I can't fucking hold on to it, you know, it's in the air, man. I don't fucking like that stuff,

where it's on my iTunes, and it's on my fucking, my phone or my iPod or whatever. I don't like that shit, because those things all die. And back in the day, when your stereo died, you didn't lose your whole record collection too. So I am a big fan. If you like to have, it's like having the gold behind you money.

All right, if you'd like a hard copy version, either come out and see me live, or buy one off of the website. It's right underneath where, you can either download it for five bucks for the kids. That's the snowboarders. And if you're still ski, if you're old school, and you want the hard copy,

it's available at billbird.com right on the merch page. And slowly but surely, I am working on some podcast t-shirts. And that is it. That's the podcast for this week. Let's quickly go to billbird.com here. Who do you guys like in the game tonight? Who do you like?

I have family from the Midwest, so I'm kinda pulling from Michigan, but Louisville has got the whole broken leg story. So I don't know who to vote for here. Who to root for. But I have to tell you that Michigan seems to win on talent. Like how the fuck they beat Syracuse was beyond me. Cause Syracuse had this insane fucking zone defense,

and they were all the way out by the three point line. So immediately I'm thinking, well just fucking fast break. Don't let them get set up. Don't let the ball touch the fucking court. Do some magic Johnson Showtime Lakers shit. Get it up there and get some easy fucking layups and make them adjust to your fucking game.

And they didn't. They would just dribble it up the court and let these fucking guys get set up. They couldn't beat the double team. Like I feel like Michigan is getting like, cause they're so young, they're just kids. I really feel that they're just kinda getting away on raw talent.

And now they're going up against Rick Petino, who's just a monster coach. I think Louisville is going to take it. That's what I think. But my hat, I'll be rooting for Michigan. Hail to the victors valiant. Hail to the victor. Bap, bap, bap, bap, boop, boop, bap.

Do you know why I also like Ohio State? That's cause I come from Massachusetts and we don't really have any pro shit other than Doug Flutey. Fucking stupid chair went down again. Ugh, fucking cunt. All right, so this is the deal. I'm going to be at the Georgia Theater in Athens, Georgia, April 9th.

I'll be at the Comedy Club at the Stardome, Hoover, Alabama, April 10th. I'll be in Charleston Music Hall, April 11th. I'll be at the Tabernacle for not one, but two shows Friday night in Atlanta, Georgia, April 12th. And then I got two shows at the Improv and Tampa on Monday. I think those are already sold out. April 16th, I have two shows at Florida State University.

In April 17th, I'm at the Jackie Gleason Fillmore Theater in Miami, Florida. Later on this month, I'll be in Dallas, Austin, Texas, Kansas City. I got a gig in Las Vegas. Anybody wants to escape an unhappy marriage and see me at the Mirage? I'll be there on May 17th and 18th.

All my dates are up on billbird.com. Thank you to everybody who's been listening to the podcast. Our numbers have been growing. Thanks to the Joe Rogan Experience podcast for always giving shout-outs and links to my podcast. And if you listen to the Jay Moore Sports Show, I'm going to be calling that in today at 11.30 AM Pacific Standard Time.

That is it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.