Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-9-15

Episode Date: April 10, 2015

Bill rambles about people who drive white cars, power of attorney, spreadable butter and old clips about Judge Judy and a drag queen brunch.

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And I'm here this week with a very special guest, me! And I'm here to talk to you. What's going on? How's your week been? Huh? You fucking baby? You made it through Tuesday and Wednesday, alright? Quit your whining. Okay, you got your shillings for the week, didn't you? You know what's funny? I told you guys when this recorder that I use, this fucking recorder that I use, I have to talk for 30 seconds for it to get the proper levels, the levels that are made in order to have a good audio experience. So, you know, what do I do? I run out of shit to do, so I just sing the National Anthem.

And I just fucked it up. Why is that such a hard song to sing by yourself? If everybody else is singing it, you know it. You always end up going through the perilous fight. But so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming. Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the peril, you always go back that through the peril. You're stuck in this fucking groundhog day of patriotism. So, you know what? All you guys who have ever made fun of anybody who tried to sing the National Anthem, I challenge you right now. Start singing it to yourself at your desk.

Just whisper it. Oh, say can you hear? I don't know. See how far you get? See how far you get? And we'll see how much you support the troops. We'll see how much you love America. We'll see whether or not you live or die in a work camp. Coming up. You know what? The other day I was talking to somebody about finance. And he had heard that, you know, I don't let anybody fucking handle my money. You know, because I watch behind the music. And that's the first thing.

The first thing you do if you want people to fucking steal from you is let them handle your money. The second thing you do is you give them power of attorney, which means they can sign your name, which means they're essentially you. They can legally sign your name. Hi, my name's Frank Gifford. I'm also Frank Gifford. I don't remember you being on the Giants. Well, fuck you. I got a piece of paper says I did. Well, at least on the check. Why did I pick Frank Gifford? I don't know.

So whatever. I was talking to this guy about all my theories. You ever, like, talk to somebody and you just see them sort of half smiling and you just like, ah, this guy thinks I'm a fucking moron. I should have just stopped. I should have just been like, dude, you're giving me this guy's a fucking moron smile, which I might be. But I don't think I am. You know, I still remember the Billy Joel one. Shit, I got friends I know got fucked over, fucked over already.

And what's the number one thing that happens? They, they, these people could go in, they could infiltrate. What the fuck do you spell Miami? Sorry, ADD kicking in here. Um, they could go into your fucking account. You're out of your fucking mind. No, dude, these guys are great. I've been working with them forever. Oh, have you?

People change. You know, people go through a divorce. You know, a lot of that mental shit if you're, if you, if you got mental problems. You know what I mean? When's the last time you met a schizophrenic eight year old? It never happens. Okay, somewhere around 30 all of a sudden, you know, the person's over in the corner talking to other people. It happens later in life.

Okay, and you, and you can take that to the bank because I am not in the medical field. I'm just repeating shit that I heard. You don't know what's going to happen. They go through a divorce. They go to a check. They go to a fucking rave. You know, they do ecstasy. They bank some chick way out of their fucking league.

Next thing you know, they're doing that, right? This is fucked up. I don't trust anybody who drives a white car. Not like a fucking Camry. Anybody who drives a white Mercedes Benz, a white BMW, like it's a nice car in the car is white scumbag. Straight across the fucking board scumbag. All right. When was the last time you saw a class act getting out of a white Mercedes, a white Ferrari?

You know what I mean? Well, Ferrari, I guess you're a little fine. Whatever I mean. You know what I'm saying. It's fucking tacky. All right. People have, oh, anybody has a white leather couch. You know, just fucking, just be like, you know, I forgot something in my car and just leave scumbag.

All right. I'm, you know, I'm actually creating new stereotypes on this one. I kind of like it. Well, Bill, then what, what color car do you trust? Somebody has a brown car. They're never going to steal from you, but they're not going to make you any money either. You know, that's a lunch pail Louis, right? It's got in a brown sack fucking grease armpit stain of the fucking greasy sandwich coming through the side of it.

That guy's just accepted his lot in life. He's going to put his head down and one day he's going to look up and he's 60. Right. It's going to hit him. What the fuck did I do with my life? And right there you dropped dead, usually with hedge clippers or something. You know, because you didn't make enough money to fucking, you know, buy the electric pair or maybe even get a gardener. Right.

All right. So what has happened over the last couple of days since I last talked to you? Well, I lost, I lost money by betting on Wisconsin. I bet it. I bet a steak dinner with Keith Robinson. But either way, I get to have dinner with Keith Robinson. So it was really, it was really a win-win. You know what I mean?

He's such a sharp dresser, you know, man of the world, Renaissance man. He can discuss everything from earth, wind and fire to the gap band. Now we were talking shit the entire time and I don't know. I don't know shit about basketball, but I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you why I would not draft Oka for in the first round. I think that guy is a classic waste of a first round draft pick. I think he's a freshman. He's probably a sophomore, but I'm telling you, he should have been destroying that fucking jam band guy on fucking Wisconsin. Number 44, you know, with his Kevin McHale 2.0 fucking moves.

I don't know why everybody just, if you're a big man, all right? If you're a man who's big and you play the game of basketball, as Michael Jordan used to say. He never used to say basketball. It was always the game of basketball. Kind of like that Mike and Mike guy always goes, yeah, you know, football league. I tell you right now, you're going to have a lot of problems covering somebody in the national football league. Um, the fuck was I saying? Yeah, I don't know why every big man just doesn't go out.

Like Dwight Howard just went out and stole five fucking moves from Kevin McHale and five fucking moves from, uh, uh, Akeem Elijah won. The fucking guy would be unstoppable. He just did that, right? And he stole a heart and stuck it in his chest. I think that guy, I think that guy could be dominant. The fucking guy's a superhero. The guy's goddamn bicep is bigger than his head. It's fucking unbelievable.

You couldn't draw a guy in better shape than him. Um, what is he doing? He goes on Ellen and he dances around right then as a Celtic fan. I'm like the leg is not winning the championship. Kobe's not going to pass the ball to this guy. Um, he would have had to come on screaming like fucking power salt punching his chest, freaking out Ellen. Um, I don't know what I'm talking about. Yeah, okay for I'll tell you why I wouldn't draft him.

If I had to go back and if I was working for like the Bobcats or wherever the whoever the fuck is going to draft him because you know he's going to go early. All right. This is what I would say. I would just say, yeah, listen, I don't think I don't think we should draft this guy in the first round. I think it's a waste of money and they would say why you uncoordinated, unathletic balding fuck. I'd be like, you know, that's a little harsh. Okay. You know, you fucking asked me to do the goddamn job.

Excuse my French. Okay. And I'm doing the job and you're coming in. What's the deal? If I don't agree with you, you're going to insult me. I'd never say that because I'd be fucking, I'd be, I'd be working for this guy. So I'd be like, yeah, you know, I am, I am a balding fucking loser. Right.

Take the paycheck, get in my car and scream at the windshield the whole way home saying all this shit. I really wished I had the balls to say that I'd walk in the door and my wife would see that beaten man. You know, next thing you know, she's looking at the fucking neighbors getting bent over a hedge there. Um, this is what I would say. I would say don't draft him and they would say why look at his stats. Look what he did. Look at all this stuff. All the spreadsheets across the table.

Why wouldn't you draft this guy in the first round? I'd say it's simple. The man breathes through his mouth over. Guy breathes through his mouth. I don't give a fuck what he does on the court. All right. An old jam band there was fucking going up and under all the time, even before he got into foul trouble. And he sat on the goddamn bench breathing through his mouth while two freshmen, one who looked like he was in Lord of the Rings,

little Elfin looking dude, Eddie Munster looking guy, right? Just fucking draining him. Then that number three, whatever he was, that guy, I swear to God, he hits like a fucking three pointer. And I think he screamed for like a minute. Comes down, hits a three pointer. What is wrong with you? You would have thought he wanted Kia or something with that shot. I don't fucking get it.

Did he bet the game? I mean, I know it was for a championship, but even that reaction, it's like the middle of the fucking game. He's screaming like he just won it. That's that new shit. That's that shit that makes me feel old. I literally watched the game going like, what are these guys screaming about? You just hit a bucket to go up 58-54. Stop yelling and get back on D.

Or they dunk the ball and then they stare at the crowd. Like, oh my God, can you believe what I just did? Yes! You did it in other games. That's why I bought a fucking ticket. I came here to watch you do that. By the way, you see that guy who just scored? That was your fucking guy.

Just negating what the fuck you did. Because no matter how hard you throw it down, you're still just getting two points. Get the fuck back on differential, cunt. Oh, who's tough on his podcast? I am. I'm tough on my podcast. Bill Burr, tough on the podcast. Fucking sweetheart in public.

How are you, everybody? Give him a microphone. Instant cunt. I was singing... I was singing Beatles songs today with domestic violence lyrics. And that'll put you in a great mood. You know? I punch you in the face, bitch.

And you know it's true. You make you laugh as you drive down the street. Does that mean you advocate that behavior? When we return, controversy on the Thursday afternoon podcast, my name's Tripp Tripper, and you're watching the Thursday edition. Um, sorry.

What the fuck am I talking about? Yeah, so congratulations to the Duke Blue Devils. First of all, congratulations with being in the South and being able to keep the name Blue Devil. I'm surprised considering the Devil Rays had to change that. I mean, how many fucking pussies live in Tampa? Or how strong are the fucking, uh,

pussies that live in fucking Tampa, I should say? How big is that group? How many people do you need in a group to really affect change like that? How many fucking whining cunts do you need to change the name of a baseball team? You know what I mean? Actually, well, you know what the reality is, how bad is your attendance that you're trying to get those 40 cunts

that, you know, I don't know, what are they doing? You know what I mean? I think if you can't handle devil in a name, I don't think you're going to go to a baseball game because you're not going to want to sit there amongst all those sinners, right? Abusing the devil alcohol, using the Lord's name in vain, abusing and swearing and other words that mean the same thing, right?

You're not going to the game. I fucking understand it. So congratulations to them. Duke on tobacco rude. Big game of basketball. We take it seriously down there. We take it seriously. We take basketball seriously down here.

North Carolina. North Kalkalaki. We take it so seriously. We didn't even notice we won a Stanley Cup. What is that thing? Why would you have a spit tune so fucking high? Am I supposed to stand on the table and spit in that fucking thing? Get it out of here.

Speaking of the south, I got my southern tour coming up. Southern tour coming up. The Billy Bible Belt tour coming to a city near you. And ticket sales have been, this is the first time I've been to a lot of these places, so a couple of them have been a little rough, you know? So I'm trying to have been hyping the shit out of it, you know? Hoping that it's going to fill up.

But I've been told in Savannah there's a lot of walk-up traffic. That's what they always say, so the performer doesn't kill himself. But actually, we've been doing good there. If anybody can get the word out, anybody remotely in New Orleans, if you can try to fucking rally some troops to come see me in... What the fuck am I going to be? What dumb am I?

Once I say Savannah, I was going to say Savannah fucking New Orleans. I know it's not that. Maybe that's why they're not coming out, because you don't know where the fuck you're going to be. Hey, hey, what's fucking side of you on here? You know? What the hell am I going to be here? Well, this weekend, I'm going to be in Miami at the Fillmore,

Jackie Gleason, and then I'm going to be up in Tampa, if I just called 40 people up there pussies. I'm at the Ruth Eckerd Hall, Devil Hall in Tampa. Used to be the Devil Hall. It's not Savannah. Knoxville, Chattanooga, and that business. Shreveport! Shreveport, Louisiana.

I need some help there. All right? If anybody, anybody at all, knows anybody. Who knows anybody at all that can come out to that show? I'd really appreciate it. I'm playing this legendary theater that's a big fucking theater, but it's the only game in town. And it's this theater that, like, an unknown Elvis performed at,

and unknown Jerry Lee Lewis. It's fucking coolest shit they got there. You know, of course, a bunch of black performers that fucking they stole from. So whose statue is out in front of the thing? Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis. Of course, white people! The other ones are going pretty good.

I cannot fucking wait to get on that bus and go to all these towns that I haven't been to, man. It's going to be sick. And I am so upset that it's not football season because we're going to a bunch of SEC. You know, we're going to Miss Chippen, going to Knoxville, Tennessee. I mean, we're just going to buy all these fucking schools.

It's going to be killing me. But I'm hoping I sell tickets here so the next time I come back, I do even better. And then the next time I do the tour, I can do it during football season. Really, Bill? Is that your plan? Yes, it is.

All right. What else do I need to talk about? All right. I talked a bunch of shit a couple of days ago. I shit on the Ottawa senator fans. The fucking senators. And I was saying, you're not making the fucking playoffs. All right.

Because I'm like, dude, we won six in a row. I wasn't even looking at the stats. I had no idea. I thought Ottawa was fading. So I said all this horrible shit about him, you know. And now here it is four days later, we lose to the capitals, you know, which isn't good. It's not good when you can't even, you know,

score a fucking goal. You know what I mean? It's driving me nuts. Anyways. So a lot of you probably think, so Bill, are you going to apologize? Are you going to back down from what you say? All right.

What's my name? Fuck you. Yeah, I'm staying with it. I'm going Alec Baldwin and Glen Gary Glen Ross. Fuck you. All right. Fuck you. The Bruins are making the playoffs.

And like I said, we're going to play the Montreal Canadians and not only are we going to upset them in the first round, we're going to sweep them. Okay. Which will be fine. Montreal Canadian fans will be able to, they'll be able to survive because they have that little pocket square, right?

In the front pocket of that blue blazer, which is great for wiping away tears and snot when you fucking lose. No, who's kidding? I'm just hoping we're going to make the, I hope make the playoffs. I mean, shit, that's our fucking Stanley Cup, it seems this year.

But you know what's funny? I watched like the first period of half before I had to go to work, if you want to call it telling jokes work, which it isn't. And I thought we were playing great. You know what I mean? It looked like we were competing with them.

We just couldn't score a fucking goal. I don't know what we need to do. Who the hell knows? I mean, what are they? They're nice. I saw the first two goals. You know, the first one was a great goal. The second one, you know, deflection,

what are you going to do? But I've actually become sort of a Capitals fan because, you know, just watching a Vetskin scoring all those goals, it takes me back to the 80s, man. Like that shit used to happen all the time. You know, like goaltenders were like my size in the 80s, and they wore pads, you know, that weren't like gigantic. Did you see, you know, I saw it thing the other day,

they're saying how the fucking the goalie's glove now doesn't even close, which is weird to me. I think it closes a little bit, but they figured out, like, you know what? Why have it closed? Because the goaltender will just have it closed. And if he can't open it in time, it might just slip by. So just have this giant fucking fishnet thing,

you know, like you're scooping a largemouth bass out of the fucking lake or something. Just have it open like that. It's like, really? Do we need to take away more than that? You know? I don't know. But I actually learned some shit about hockey.

You know, they always say five hole is between the legs. And then there's one, two, three, four, which is the fucking corners starting down the lower left. I believe it goes like this. Lower left corner is one. Lower right corner is two. And then you go straight up. That's three.

And then back over to the left is four, I believe. I might have fucked that up. And then five hole was between the legs. That's all there was. So the other day, somebody goes, he went seven hole. And then I heard there's a six hole. I had no idea. And that six hole and seven hole is fucking,

is glove side between the arm and the body. And then blocker side between the arm and the body. One, six, one, seven. I don't even know. I never even fucking heard of that shit. And it just struck me as funny that they're now talking about two more holes in the gold tender when they're fucking gigantic people.

You know, they look like refrigerators. Like the padding that they have is unreal. I saw Tuco Rasp one time. I did comics come home and some of the Bruins were down there. Actually a bunch of them were down. It's fucking awesome. But, you know, I thought that guy was like, I don't know.

I thought he weighed like 240 or something like that. He's very like, he's tall, but he's like lanky. But you look him with the pads on. You gotta look like a monster. So there you go. If you get mugged in the subway, just get yourself some goalie pads, right? If you get mugged every day, you know,

go to big and tall, get yourself a suit. You put it over there. Obviously you don't wear the mask or the gloves. All right. Then you do that weird little run that you do when you're wearing goalie pads. You sit down on the train. Nobody fucks with you.

And if they do, you got on all the padding. They'll just think you're fat. You know, is it hitting you? That's a stupid plan. What do you want from me? Go fuck yourself. Okay. I'm trying to help you out.

You know. All right. Here's another being married story. All right. Just this shit that will fucking, that will really drive you up the fucking wall unless you can figure out a cute way to bring it up. All right.

I'm coming home from the gym. All right. I don't have any food in the house. I don't know why. Probably because we ate it all and didn't go to the supermarket. That's usually how you run out of food. But who knows, you know, might have a fucking mouse.

I don't know. No. Jesus fucking podcast is going off the rails here. Let's get to the thing here. So I fucking come home to make some toast. Right. We don't have any lunch. Me.

We got nothing. So I'm like, all right, fuck this shit. I'm just going to make a fucking piece of toast. Right. Peanut butter and jelly on top of it. That'll fill me up. Bola cereal. Who gives a fuck?

Okay. I have to work out. Great after work out fucking meal. So I show up. I put the piece of bread to crust all the way down to the end. It sounds like a fucking. Well, it's fairy tales. Like I should be scrubbing the floor with the toothbrush.

The level of lack of food here. So it's the crust. The last piece they put it in the toaster. I get the peanut butter, the peanut butter. And I get the jelly. And now I'm looking for the fucking table butter. Where is it? Where the fuck is it?

And I immediately start muttering to myself. Did she put it in the fucking fridge? Why does she always put it in the fucking fridge? You know, there's fucking hard butter in the fridge. You know, you, you, you. I don't know about you guys, but I like soft spreadable butter. For my toast. I don't want fucking hard as a rock.

And then I'm going through the bread. So the old me. The old me would have flipped out. Like why the fuck do you. Like, you know, yeah, why the fuck do you keep putting the fucking, you know, I would have been an idiot about it. But I did not. I wrote our note instead.

I wrote Nia. I think it's time we talked about soft spreadable butter. I like soft spreadable butter. It's great for toast, waffles, and I imagine pancakes too. There's already hard butter in the fridge. So there's no reason to add to it and eliminate all options for soft spreadable butter. It's not the summer. So don't be a bummer.

Say yes to soft spreadable butter. Bill came in laughing her ass off. She still didn't understand my point. I explained it to her. She laughed and she said, okay, and she left. So there you go. And that's one to grow on. Always use sense of humor when you can.

If you get the fucking broads laughing, once that Teddy start jiggling your fucking home free. Oh, what a douche, you know, there was such a cute little story there and I had to ruin it with my fucking. My my my biggest behavior. Look, and by the way, for all you butter cunts out there, I realized in the summertime, if it gets really hot, I can totally melt. Okay. That's why I threw in the summer thing because I was trying to think, well, how is she going to fucking argue this? So I think she understands it now. All right.

I am a waffle making motherfucker. I don't know if you guys know that man. I fucking got that shit down. I make them all the time. I enjoy them. All right, Dave Grohl gets spooked when he looks at Francis being Cobain. I'm looking at news today. What's in the news?

Oh, by the way, I got a couple of leads here. What do we got here? A couple of quick leads, one with a bunch of instructions, getting a bad reputation for screaming cuts and stuff during copy. Yeah, whatever. Okay, here we go. Zip recruiter, everybody. Zip recruiter. Are you hiring but not sure where to find the best candidates?

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I have a pair of Bombas. No, I don't. Oh, yes, I do. Yes, I do. Now I have them. And I try them on. Oh, shit, they feel great. They do. I gotta tell you, all this shit, all this stuff that people send me, they're really smart. You know what I mean? They know the two areas that you really want to have comfort in is your balls and your feet. If your balls and feet feel good, or your fucking hoo-ha, and your twinkle toes, you know, you can put that day in the wind column. Anyways, the Prima cotton they use is so soft, it's amazing. To know what I'm talking about, you really need to try a pair for yourself.

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Alright, no fuck was I reading there. Something about Francis Bean Cobain. Today, Rolling Stone published excerpts from its forthcoming interview with Francis Bean Cobain. The daughter of Kurt, an executive producer on the new documentary of his life. Montage of Heck. And unlike some sections of the Nirvana Die Hard fan base, Francis isn't so quick to lionize her father. Speaking about the potential awkwardness of preferring oasis to Nirvana, Francis said, I would have felt more awkward if I'd been a fan.

I was around 15 when I realized he was inescapable. Even if I was in a car and had the radio on, there's my dad. He's larger than life and our culture is obsessed with dead musicians. That's true. We love to put them on pedestals. Kurt had just been another guy who abandoned his family in the most awful way possible. What? But he wasn't.

He inspired people to put them on a pedestal to become St. Kurt. Yeah, well, you know, if you fucking kill yourself, your kids are gonna be mad. Did I oversimplify it? Dave Grohl. Man, this is some fucking, yeah, this is like gossip. I didn't know it was gonna be like this. Jesus Christ. I can fucking read that shit.

I love Dave Grohl. So anyways, there you go. It's coming out rolling stones, so you know it's true. Oops. These people raped her. No, they didn't. Sorry. We only talked to one person.

That's how you do journalism. All right. Are we done here for the week? This is just me fucking checking in on you. So I'm only required to do a half hour and we're at 2845, which means I only got a minute 15 left. But if I was playing basketball at a professional level, this podcast would go on for like another nine hours.

All right. Diddy is making Sean John clothes for tween girls now. This is like when I looked up Google News. This is what they suggested for me. All right. All right. They got that awful story of that police officer shooting the dude in South Carolina. That's just fucking.

Jesus Christ. Fucking guys running away. You know what I mean? I know they're trained to shoot center mass, but how about, you know, fucking shooting your leg. Dude, one shot to the, give me a fuck dude. If somebody had a slingshot and shot me in the ass with it, I'd go down.

All right. All right. All right. Obama set the test engagement doctrine with Cuba in Panama. This is annoying that like Cuba is just going to be open to everybody. I always want to just fucking go there, right? Because you're not supposed to. Why are you going to be able to go there?

I'm calling this right now. All right. Within 15 years, you're going to see why Cuba did kicked us out. You're going to see it. You watch, you watch what happens to that fucking place. How soon before Citibank and Chase have skyscrapers there, you know, and once they're there, they need some place to eat, right? It comes Papa John's and fucking cheesecake factory.

The next thing you know, right? You got your fucking biggest losers on TV, the Cuba edition. Jesus Christ. They can be sitting there eating cheesecake, smoking cigars. I mean, we're going to big. You know how many people were going to cause the diet on there? Just with our diet. Coming down there with Fritos and Coca Cola.

This is what I'm predicting. And yeah, we're going to ruin that place and the kids are going to be eating our poisonous food and they're going to stop playing baseball. And there's going to be no more Sammy solstice. Oh, wait, was he Dominican Republic? I can't remember. Gloom and doom. And the cigars aren't going to taste as good because every fucking jerk

off now will just do it to do it. Is there anything good about it, Bill? They'll get a roller coaster. There you go. Why I'm not buying an Apple watch. This person says, oh man, you're an idiot. I shouldn't say you're an idiot. Why would you buy an Apple watch?

Why would you do that? Okay, you got a fucking, you got a clock right on your phone. Your phone can do all the shit the fucking watch can do. What are you doing? What is a tween? Do I want to know that? The last thing you want to do is search tween girls. Fucking FBI guy will come through your screen.

I swear to God, I was doing research. I was doing a podcast. All right. Guns and roses new album underway. Steven Adler questions actual rose for not. Ah, here we go. Now I know them. Okay, we'll end on this gossip here.

Do you guys listen to this podcast a lot? You know, I'm a big fan of Steven Adler. And what am I working on with drums right now? I'm working on a little molar technique. It's coming together. So when I play awfully, I can do it without getting carpal tunnel. Guns and Rose. Oh, good.

A pop up ad. I think I'll click on it and buy whatever they're selling me. Has anybody ever done that? Maybe an 80 year old woman. I just, I don't know. I just fucking close them, right? Anyways, guns and roses new album underway. Steven Adler questions actual rose for not trying to set up a reunion tour.

Yeah, I don't understand why he's still doing that. You know why? Because people keep going to see him with his band. Like if you're a true fan, well, I don't want to fuck with somebody's tickets, but you know, that's the deal. Guns and roses have been making some noise this year as a new album is confirmed and a tour is well on its way. The resurgent vocalist Axel Rose is being urged by bandmates to do a reunion tour, but he won't do it for money's sake. Drummer Steven Adler, however, contradicts Axel's statement. Guns and Rose's guitarist Richard Fortis answered questions about Axel Rose's willingness to do a reunion tour.

Here's what he said. I've never met anybody that has so much genuine musical integrity. He won't whore himself out. He won't do anything for business or money. It's just about the music. Well, this is a company man. What else is he going to say? He won't whore himself out.

He's got a band that isn't guns and roses. He's calling guns and roses. We're going to file this under row. Well, he's a fellow redhead. I got to back him here. Right. Here we go. Let's keep going. You guys think I should have done that when I went bald?

I fucking got cornrows instead, sewed it into whatever was still left. Could somebody please Photoshop Axel's cornrows on my head so I can retweet it? All right. And he won't defend himself from the press because he doesn't think it matters. It's just about the music. That's all he cares about. I've worked with a lot of people in this business that I've never seen or met anybody that has motivated, was motivated purely by the desire to make art. Well, you know what?

I don't fucking know the guy. The only reason why I trash him for what he's doing is because I want to see, because I'm being selfish. No fuck. It's his career. He can do whatever he wants. Right. There you go. See that? That is an enlightened man in his fucking late 40s.

Oh God, I'm going to be 47 this year. Dude, it is fucking over. I got to pass the torch. I got to find somebody to pass the torch to. Let's see. Who the fuck is on their way up? I don't fucking know. What torch do I have?

Fucking big lighter. All right. Well, there you go. Well, now with the for those who are new to the just checking in on your Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast just before Friday podcast. We always I always do like a half hour or whatever. Maybe interview a guest, but we try to put in some classic clips from back in the day back in the day. I've been doing this podcast since 2007. So I don't even know what we're going to have this week.

I don't know what they pulled up. They pulled up, but enjoy the last 25, 30 minutes of some classic clips here. Thank you guys for listening and Shreveport, New Orleans, Shreveport, Louisiana. Jesus Christ. Try to get the word out. You know what I mean? I, you know, it's such a legendary theater. If I go then there's nobody there.

I'm still going to give a fucking. Obviously, I'm still going to give a great show, but I just, I don't know. I don't, I just don't want to fucking, I don't want to disrespect that legendary place by standing there in front of five fucking people. All right. That's it. Okay. Fuck you, Ottawa senators. The Bruins are making the playoffs.

I'm calling it right now. All right. Jesus. All right. I'll talk to you on Monday. I fucking hate Judge Judy. I hate Judge Carol. I hate all those motherfuckers.

Okay. This one is some ladies screaming at this guy going, you know, you don't come in here and disrespect this court like that. Disrespect what court? It's a fucking TV show, you dumb cunt. You're not a fucking judge. I'm so sick of these fucking people who get TV shows about a job and they think that their fucking job now is still the job that they're showing. No, you're a TV star. It's not a fucking court of law.

Even though it has the authority of a court of law, how many courts do you know out there? Okay. That cease to exist if they get bad ratings. You know what I mean? I actually left that comment on one of those fucking YouTube video things, man. It's fucking girl showboat. They're always showboating, slamming down the hammers, screaming and yelling. And then, you know, they go to the commercial and then the producer comes up and whispers in their ear like, yeah, that was great television.

That was great television. Hey, do more yelling. Yell more. ESPN is making a killing with the yelling. I fuck, you know, maybe it's my hatred of women. I don't know what it is, but those fucking women judges. That's my nightmare of what being married is. You know, because you're legally bound to them and they can take half your shit.

So now they can fucking yell at you like that, banging a hammer, hammer on some fucking coffee table. Oh, I'll tell you right now, you can take half my shit. I'll fucking walk just to get away from you and your fucking goddamn menopause chicken neck fucking screaming at me. Go fuck yourself, Judge Judy. There's no fucking way I would stand there. Okay. And get yelled at like that because a third of my swing set is on my neighbor's property. You're going to fucking yell at me like that.

Because why are you yelling at me like that? You don't even feel it, Judge Judy. All you all you want to do is get good ratings. You're fucking grandstanding. Go fuck yourself. Please tell me you're not naked under that robe. You emaciated old whore. I got, I got an overrated for you, overrated.

Picking up a fucking magazine that lists 10 great places to go to breakfast and then believing that no one else read the magazine. There's not going to be a line three miles long the next fucking morning when you show up to get your pancakes. That's exactly what happened. We pull up and I see this fucking, looks like a goddamn bread line during the depression. And I'm with Nia and her mom and I immediately just go, hey, you guys want to go somewhere else? And then somebody in the car goes, well, there's probably going to be a line everywhere, right? So we fucking stand in line for 40 minutes. And that's the point.

I'm crouching down like a, my back is killing my lower back. Like I'm so old, I can't stand for longer than like 20 minutes without my lower back killing me. So I'm standing there 40 minutes in. I'm crouching down like you ever see Asians when they have a conversation in China, how they just fucking, they, they can crouch down like that. Or people in India, you know, they crouch down like that. They've been doing it their whole lives. So their hamstrings are all stretched out. I was down like that.

My big head turning all red. I'm trying to stand in a little bit of the shade and I don't know. Finally, I was like, let's get the fuck out of here. Right. So everybody agreed. We leave and we end up going, I mean, we stood in line for breakfast. So long. It was now time to get lunch.

So we end up going down. We're on Santa Monica and we go down into West Hollywood and there's a place down there. It's called Burger Harries. They have great fucking, they got great burgers and it's one of, but it's also one of the gayest places you'll ever go to in your life. I didn't realize how gay it was. And I went there and the waiter was like really gay or whatever, but I didn't really think about it. Right. So I drop off the ladies and I go over and I parked the car.

I get out of the car and I come walking in and I'm starving. And as I'm walking in, all of a sudden this guy pushes me in the back. Like gave me a nice little shove and I turn around and he goes, do you need a table? This fucking gay dude pushed me in the back. He pushed me like fucked in, like not hard enough to make me stumble, but hard enough to fuck up the gate of my walk. And I immediately, you know, felt the feelings you feel when somebody fucking pushes you. When I turn around, like what the fuck? And the guy's just down there, do you need a table?

And I went, no, I'm just meeting them over there. And then he kind of had a weird look on his face and he walked away and I sit down and he's like, hey, how's it going? Like, how's it going? I go, that fucking gay guy just pushed me. So I tell her the story and I'm all, I go, what the fuck? Is it some gay thing? You just fucking go around pushing people. And then Nia goes, he was probably hitting on you.

Right? So now my ego kicks in. I'm like, fuck, I still am in shape. So for any of my fucking twinkle toed listeners out there, is that how you guys hit on each other? Was that just like, hey, silly, do you want a table? Is that what he was doing? It was fucking annoying, whatever it was. Then I felt bad.

Like, like that look on his face when I went, no, I'm sitting over here. Like then he thought that I, I don't know what that I was saying. Get out of here. You're queer, you know, because that's a whole big fucking thing. Now you got to be nice to those guys. What the fuck I'm saying? So anyways, so we sit down. All right.

And immediately the dude comes over. Hi, can I take your order? We fucking order and we're getting our food immediately. The way you should, when you go out to eat. So now, despite the fact that the fucking, the waiter pushed me like that dude who pushed Zdeno Chara after he scored the goal. That's basically how he pushed me. And then I turned around and looked at him like I was going to run him into the boards basically, right? So they fucking bring the food over.

It's delicious. Everything's going great. And then all of a sudden this fucking dude gets on the mic and you can't see him. He's like, okay, everybody show starting in 10 minutes. Right. And I say to me, I go, what's going on? She goes evidently. They're going to have a show.

So it's fucking broad daylight out. I guess they're going to come out and drag and they're going to do a show like this. This is how gay this place is that they're going to have a brunch slash transvestite lip sync fucking show. And I got to tell you, it was absolutely fucking hilarious. We were sitting there and the guy on the mic, it's like 1130 in the morning and he said cunt on the mic. He goes, come on bitches, drink up. We're having a show. Don't be a bunch of something.

He goes, sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just feeling a little cunty. With Nia's mom and this guy starts saying cunt like every other fucking word in broad daylight. And as a comedian, I had to respect the guy. All right. I've never said cunt on stage when the sun's out. I'm not going to lie to you. I barely say it on stage.

I say it a ton of times here because it's ridiculous, but I really don't say it that much on a comedy club stage. And this dude slash half a lady is saying cunt every other word at brunch. And, uh, so anyway, so they come down like three of them. The host sucked. Right. He had this giant head with this huge fucking, uh, I don't know what blonde wig on. And he, he was like doing jokes that should have been funny, but weren't at some point. He said something about a bloody pussy and was sitting here eating brunch and he makes a bloody pussy joke.

So just as a comedian, this, this should have been hilarious, but timing was awful. He'd say the setup and then he mumbled the punchline and he was annoying me. The next one came out was all right. The dude looked like Nancy Grace. So that was cracking me up. And then, uh, the next one looked like a soccer mom. If, if she was in Battlestar Galactica, you know, you know, when they have those, uh, you know, they get that Woodstock Ellen DeGeneres haircut kind of had that, but spiked up. And that was hilarious.

And then the last one freaked me out. There's always one that's going to freak you out because it's going to almost look like a fucking chick. So it had like acid plants and it's like I'm trying to eat. And I got, I got to get out of here. So I go up, I walk out of the restaurant because, you know, it's one of those deals. You, it's like when in Rome, you went into their place, you got to tolerate. Then it becomes this, that point where you just like, all right, this is, this is too fucking creepy. I got to get out of here.

You know, so I walk out and I'm standing on the corner out in front of this place. That turned into the gayest place I've ever been in. And I got to tell you, I walk down the street all the time in LA. Nobody ever tells me that they saw me. Nobody's ever seen me. Nothing. I come walking out of this place, right? And this behind me is some, the transvestite that almost looks like a chick with acid plants and is dancing to salt and pepper.

Push it. I swear to God. So I'm standing out front of that place. And it's that part of the song is going, push it. And this guy pulls up from the comedy store, stopping the red light. He's like, Hey, Bill, how you doing? And I'm just like, Hey, how's it going? And the fucking background and my face literally turned red with embarrassment.

But fortunately, fortunately, the guy owned a restaurant across the way. So then he ended up coming out, coming over to me, coming out. How fucking funny is that? He comes over to me and he goes, you know, to shoot the shit because I've been telling him I was going to go to his restaurant. And that just then fortunately, Nia and her mom walked out and I've never been so relieved to be like, this is my girlfriend. And this is mom. I didn't know that there was going to be a fucking, it was like a, well, I got a mid 80s. I don't know what a mid 80s sitcom, you know, where there's a situation.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.