Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-9-20

Episode Date: April 10, 2020

Bill rambles about animal fights, price gouging, and the great indoors.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking it on you. Sorry, I've been on YouTube watching videos. Teach yourself how to sing. I've lost count was is week five week five. All right.

This is the only way out of this shit. Okay. I think we they either need to come up with a vaccine or a fucking test everybody can take. That's it. That's it because this fucking self quarantine shit. It's just, it's just not working. It's just not working.

People, people, you know, you got too many mouth breathers. There's too many homeless people. There's too many conspiracy theorists. It's just, how do you hurt them? There's only one way to do it. And that's how this country was conquered. It's done with the gun. Anyway, trying to enjoy this time off people, try to enjoy it as much as you can, as much

as you can. Oh, by the way, Lady Gaga is doing a concert to help out. Fucking brilliant, brilliant marketing, marketing, marketing, brilliant marketing. You know that we're all in this together. We somehow twist that into an economic thing. Fucking brilliant. I have all these people going, the celebrities are going like, yeah, you know, we're all in this together.

Everybody just fucking, you know, fucking pull in the same direction. Imagine there is no heaven, right? So that she comes out, she goes, you know, fucking saying we're all in this together. It's a nice sentiment. But the reality is, is if you're a billionaire, you're not in the same situation as someone who's a single mom was getting the shit kicked out of her over reform and grill. Fucking brilliant. She turned it into an economic thing rather than being like, it doesn't make a difference

if you got a billion dollars or no money. If you're out there breathing on people, this thing ain't going to fucking end. She turned it into an economic thing, right? Said the most obvious thing ever, because I have to be honest with you, I had no idea that someone who had a billion dollars had it easier to fucking hang in their house than someone with no fucking money. You know, it's like lady, you know, who had it easier, you know, who, who had it worse than, you know, who's fucking laughing at all of this shit, all this complaining and

Frank spent three years behind a fucking wall. You know, it didn't, you know, did they stop making that required reading? How long was Anne Frank behind that fucking wall? Can you imagine standing behind a fucking wall with your whole family for like three years waiting, so hoping the Nazis aren't going to get you. And then people, oh my God, I'm losing my mind in my studio apartment with my fucking PlayStation. But brilliant marketing, because then everybody started arguing, you know, and then speaking

in sound bites about people being tone deaf. All right, wait, let me do one here. How long was Anne Frank behind the wall? All right, here we go. The Anne Frank. How long was Anne Frank? How long is it? Who snitched on Anne Frank?

See, it's getting, it's getting crazy with the Anne Frank stuff. Anne Frank. Okay, behind the wall gave me nothing hiding. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Why can't you just give me an answer? Like, you know, I hate to, you know, not to belittle Anne Frank here, but when you go, how long should I bake a potato? You know, you just, you used to just pop up and there was an answer and then now it's

all these fucking like super fancy fucking cooking sites. So you just click on one thing and it's going to be typed out somewhere and it isn't. It's just, you know, ever since I was a kid, I loved baked potatoes. I liked them with bacon. I liked them with broccoli. I like them with broccoli and cheese and you have to go through like fucking nine pages of them just stretching out this horseshit so you can scroll past these ads that they get in credit for.

All right, Anne Frank. All right. Jesus Christ. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. 1942 when our family went into hiding. Frankster discovered in 1944, she spent two years, two years worrying that the most evil people on the earth who were hunting her people down, she had a fucking deal with that. And what do we got?

We got a glorified cold here. Lady Gaga, I got to tell you that was masterful, masterful, because then everybody underneath started arguing about it, but then meanwhile they're reading about her concert. It's fucking brilliant. Then you also frame yourself as I'm the person that has money, but still understands you and your ramen noodles. Can't you tell I'm down to earth? I don't wear pants, whatever, I'm just being fucking, I'm being a fucking idiot.

There's nothing to talk about. Do I really give a shit about what Lady Gaga said? No, I don't. I don't. It's one of the worst fights in my relationship was the time I went to her concert because my wife wanted to go and the New England Patriots happened to lose a playoff game to the Ravens that afternoon, and I was a good six, seven peers in. That didn't end well.

That did not end well. That was the next day, my wharf was not talking to me, and I couldn't figure out why, and I finally had to ask her because I continued drinking at the concert because what else was I going to do? Look at that poor horse that she had parading around the fucking thing. I got in my head. I'm like, what's with the horse? Did they take it on the road?

Is that fucking thing on the road right now? Is it making as little money as the band is? That's inside a castle that I can't even fucking see because God forbid people fucking look at the band for two seconds? She said, I said, Jesus fucking Christ, which I remembered saying, but I said it once. She said, you said it like nine times, and I was just like, all right, fair enough. That was the last time she ever went to a pop star concert with me. I've been trying to repair the damage in the relationship, but I think the damage is done.

I hate having to fucking do this, but this always happens now, I guess, at my fucking age. Rest in peace, Vic Henley, man. This doesn't even fucking make sense, man. I can't even, I think the shock of this one, Vic died, I think, I don't know, a couple of days ago. I don't want to fucking get into it, but what a fucking great guy. I was reading a lot of stuff that other commerce were writing, and they were like, never had

a bad word to say about anybody. And I never even noticed that he was just such a fun guy to be around, and it was true. And I actually did a gig with him when I first came to New York. I didn't remember where the fuck we were at. I wanted to say we were at that catch a rising star that was out in New Jersey. Something like that. I think that's where it was, and he was just the nicest fucking guy we wrote out together. I think he drove too, which was really cool.

Asked if I wanted to ride out there and just shot the shit. I remember he talked to me like I was a peer, you know, rather than some young kid on the way up, you know, he'd been doing it longer than I had, and, you know, all kinds of life advice, just a really, really sweet heart of a guy, unfortunately, died over the last week here of a pulmonary embolism, I guess. So Vic Henley, rest in peace. Thank you for being such a great guy, cool guy, and all of that, and gone way, way, way too soon at 57.

All right. And now how do you follow that up? You talk about what the dumb shit you watched on fucking YouTube. I don't know why, but I've got into watching animals kill other animals. I don't know why it just fascinates me. Like my mini series is watching the Hatfields in the McCoys of the Serengeti, the fucking Lions in Hyenas. And I'm just fascinated with how they fucking hate each other so much that if they find one

or the other by themselves, they have the numbers, they just jump them, just straight up kill them. They don't even eat them. They just kill them. And which makes me wonder how the fuck you as a hyena or you as a lion gets separated from the pride when you know that that shit's out there. I saw another one one time, somehow a whole herd of this fucking buffalo had this lion like surrounded.

And he was up on this high ground and they just fucked them up, sent them flying in the air, ass over fucking tea kettle. And I'm just sitting there, when a fucker all his friends, did he take a nap up on that little hill? I'll catch up with you later. And they just fuck this thing up. The worst one I saw, you know, I saw this wild boar fucking kill a baboon. Like it was just an old fucking baboon.

And the boar kind of comes up to the thing like, Hey, what's up with this fucking thing? And then his friend kind of comes up from behind and you know, those fucking wild boar, you know, they got those big goofy fucking tusk, you don't really don't think anything about them. They don't look that sharp. They kind of look dull on the end, rounded off like a fucking butter knife, right? So his friend comes up behind and fucking nice that dude in the back and then fucking takes off because I think he's used to these fucking baboons that baboons are weird, man.

You know, they look like monkeys, but when they open their mouth, they look like fucking lions, right? They got these crazy fucking canines there. And you know, they get they get respect like when lions in fucking leopards and shit when they go after baboons, they make sure that they're not past a certain age. You know, they get these baboons where they still got their braces on basically, right? The leopard ones are fucking amazing, man. They fucking just run up a goddamn tree.

Just run up the fucking thing that baboons trying to get on the smaller part of the fucking branch fucking leopard knocks the baboon off. And then literally just as the baboon falls, the thing leaps down in the air. I'm talking like fucking 25, 30 feet in the air. No problem. Baboon lens takes a half step and a half to run the leopards already on the ground and it's fucking over. Hang on a second.

All right, I'm back. Sorry. Fucking tickle in my nose that was driving me nuts. Is it a corona tickle? All right. So anyway, so this fucking maybe it was in the front of the baboon. He fucking knifes the thing. The guy does a flips in the air and then the fucking pig takes off like a like a like

it's scared because it's probably like, you're the fucking baboon. I know he's got these crazy teeth in there, right? And the fucking thing takes off. And the other one was behind it was just like, wait a minute. This thing was sort of limping away. So this was fucking unreal. The fucking second one. He knifes this baboon like two, three times up against the tree, guys, guys, guys, like

a fucking gang hit inside of a prison. And then he does the last one. He did like a fucking swoop with his tusk and at the same time as he does it, pulls out the fucking things like, I don't know what small intestine and fucking starts chowing down on it immediately horrific, horrific, but I gotta tell you, these fucking baboons got to come and they eat everything they have alive. I'll tell you a great one, man, if you're, if, if like, if you just want to see like how amazing these fucking baboons are, which I really don't like these goddamn things.

All right. I don't like any animal that doesn't have the decency to fucking kill the thing that it's going to eat first. You know, I get it with reptiles, you know, they got that little ass brain, like bears, baboons, those fucking wild dogs. They just started, it's just, I don't know. I don't get it. Um, anyway, plowing ahead here, I, uh, I don't know, I don't know why I started watching

that shit. And then anytime I see an animal eat another animal alive, then I have to watch a video of that species of animals getting killed. No, I good. Fuck you. That's free. That's for your buddy. They're eating that fucking impala alive.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore, people. I'm not watching the news. There's nothing to fucking talk about. And I thought I had the genius podcast with no goddamn guests. You know, I don't have any fucking guests. This isn't going to change. I guess I have to start watching the fucking news because all of them, I'm watching animals kill each other.

I'm watching NFL highlights from the 1970s, you know, I learned about a new England. I can find this guy's fucking name. I learned about a new England Patriots quarterback that was between Babe Pirelli and fucking Jim Plunkett. I just lost everybody under the age of fucking 60. Um, the fuck was this guy's name, which got me into finding the oldest living NFL players. Here we go. This guy, I'm going to make sure I say his name right, uh, Mike, Mike Tollifer, spelled

T A L I T A L L T A L I I kept my as a fucking shot a F E R R O Mike Tollifer. He played for like, uh, I don't know, like four or five years with the Patriots was the starting quarterback between Babe Pirelli and fucking, um, Jim Plunkett. And I didn't know that Joe Cap finished his career with the Patriots 1970s. Like, uh, when Mike Tollifer wasn't working out, they went back and forth with Joe Cap. And then, um, we had Jim Plunkett came in 71, 72, 73, 74 got blamed because we stunk. And then we got Steve Grogan at a Kent state or whatever, 75. He sort of got the starting job from Jim Plunkett.

And then Grogan had the job till 80. Then Matt Kavanaugh kind of took it from him, then Grogan took it back in 82, 83. And Tony Easton had three years. And then Grogan took it back from him. I don't know if Easton ever recovered from that fucking Super Bowl 20 loss or the NFL recovered from, uh, the Patriots or something, their confidence in him. I don't know what. And then Doug Flutey, this is the year I had season tickets.

Um, oh no, I had him at 89, 88 was Doug Flutey, Steve Grogan. And then Steve Grogan got it back again in 89. That was the year I had season tickets. It was Steve Grogan, Mark Wilson from the Raiders, Tony Easton and Doug Flutey. Um, then 1990, Mark Wilson, Tommy Hudson, Steve Grogan went to third in the depth chart and then he retired and we had Hugh Millen and Tommy Hudson, then Hugh Millen, Scott Zolak. Remember the Zolak attack?

And then 93. It all turns around. We get Drew Bledsoe, the great Drew Bledsoe there until 2000 when he got hit. Then Tom Brady until now. And then I don't even know who the fuck our quarterback is now. Who is it? Do they even have anybody listed? Jesus Christ.

Who the fuck is our quarterback? Who is the Patriots new quarterback? Jared Stidham. Who the fuck is Jared Stidham? Oh brother, this poor bastard. Could Jared Stidham bring out the best in the Patriots young targets, New England Patriots? I'm going to say yes. I got a roof for him now.

All right. Good for him. Welcome. Jared Stidham. Jared Stidham, ladies and gentlemen. All right. So I haven't been doing shit. You know what else?

I've been playing like fucking Candyland and shoots and ladders every single day with my daughter because it's been like raining out here and Candyland was hilarious. We first started playing. If I got some of the candy, you know what I mean? If I turned it over and it said, you know, peanut brittle. I love it. So like all these old people, candy, you know, peanut brittle, those little hearts, candy canes and shit.

Like it's just super old school candy because it came out like fucking 60, 70 years ago. Right. So my daughter would cry if I got like the ice cream float. So we had to play like this. I said, so I finally had to be like, all right, well, if I get it, just call me up and then I'll share it with you. So then, you know, I would get it and then she just go wing, wing, wing, wing, you know, sad look on her face.

I'd be like, hello. And she's like, hi, Dada, can't come over and have some ice cream floats. I'd be like, sure, when can you be here? And she'd be like five minutes. All right. Bye bye. I love you. She'd be like, I love you.

And then she'd stand up. We'd hug each other. Hey, how are you doing? Just have like a tea party with the ice cream floats and give each other the thumbs up in the end. And she does like a high five, like you have to touch thumbs. So then that worked. So there was no meltdowns or anything like that while we were playing Candyland.

And then yesterday she finally understood the concept of winning and losing. And then when I would win, and I'm sitting there praying that she's going to win, right? Which of course you would track what you fear. And then I won like two games in a row and we literally had to shut the game down. But I now got her, when somebody wins, she goes, oh, you won. Congratulations. It's really sweet. So that was my big day yesterday.

And I swear to God, shoots and ladders never ends. Never fucking ends. And for our ACDC fans, it's called, I think ladders and snakes. Snakes and ladders or something like that down in Australia, which is why, yeah, snakes and ladders. That is why in the ACDC songs, he says ladders and snakes. So I can't remember if I've already talked about this on the podcast. So that's why, you know, he, uh, Bond Scott says that in that song because it never made

sense to me. So somebody said, you know, I guess in, um, in fucking Australia, they were going, yeah, the board game started here and it was called snakes and ladders. But like snakes was too, uh, scary for you Americans. So they changed it to shoots. And then my head, I'm thinking like, yeah, and you also can't slide down a snake. But I wouldn't put it past, you know, this country, you know, with the religious background that they didn't want the snake that tempted Eve on the board.

I got to be honest with you. God damn it. This is cooler with the snakes. This is fucking cooler and you get more of a punishment with the longest snake. You go all the way, you go from the second to last row to all the way back. You go from 87 down to six with shoots and ladders. I think you go from like 87 down to like 16 or 17 or 17 or 18 or something like that. I don't know fucking no Jesus Christ to my board.

What do you guys think's going to happen first? Do you think they're going to come up with the cure? Do you think they're going to start shooting people in the street? The martial law. Are you okay with martial law? What's going on in the news? Let's look up the news people and I'll wrap this thing up. I apologize, man.

I just, I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do here? Uh, Google, Google news, Google news. What's going on in the news? Up, up, up, up, uh, Senate adjourns until Monday after Democrats blocked McConnell's bid to add 215 and 250 million dollars in small business aid. What the fuck? I thought the Democrats like to help out the little man. Doc Fokouche says he's hopeful we'll be on our way towards normalization by summer.

Jesus Christ. CNN poll, Biden lead, you know what this is starting to feel like with them saying when this thing's going to be over? You know when your flight's delayed and rather than just saying, yeah, we don't have a plane. You guys are fucked for the next six hours ago. The flight has been delayed for 20 minutes and then 20 minutes goes by. It's been delayed another 40 minutes. Now it's an hour and they just keep pushing it back.

CNN poll, Biden leads Trump in national head to head matchup. Oh, Jesus Christ. Give me a fucking break. He's not going to beat Trump. He's not as good at being old as Donald Trump is. He's got to start dying his hair. USC's another spike in coronavirus death toll. All right.

Well, that's fucking depressing. Struggle to apply for unemployment continues across the country. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's unprecedented unemployment. Essential workers exposed to coronavirus can return to work if showing no symptoms. CDC says, oh boy, we have many more questions about Jimmy Fallon's house slide after learning its origin story. Oh, this is a bad one.

Edmonton Oilers, Colby Cave remains in a coma. He had a brain bleed. Ah, fuck man. See, this is why I don't watch the fucking news. All right. The Led Zeppelin song, Jimmy Page calls his favorite. All right. Here we go.

Here's a happy thing. Fucking news. Yeah. It's fucking terrible. And people are turning on one another. Do not do that. Do not turn on one another. Do not start arguing with one another.

Fucking hang in there. All right. Just fucking hang in there. Stay positive. Do what you got to do. Am I being toned deaf by suggesting that people get and try to get along with each other during this? All right.

It must be hard to pick your favorite child. And we imagine that Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page has the same difficulty when picking his favorite song. But in an interview, that's exactly what he did. The huge plethora, or plethora, plethora, I don't know, of rocking Led Zeppelin tracks. How the fuck do you say that word? Plethora pronunciation. All right.

Plethora, plethora. Say it again. Say it loud. Plethora. All right. It is plethora. Plethora. All right.

We can close the end frame window. Cigar shapes. Looking up cigar shapes, everybody. All right. That's how bored I am. How they classify him. Different leaves. Still haven't smoked.

All right. The huge plethora of rocking Led Zeppelin tracks means that Jimmy Page has got a lot of songs to pick from when selecting his favorite. You could just pick one. All right. The huge plethora of rocking Led Zeppelin tracks means that Jimmy Page has got a lot of songs to pick from when selecting his favorite. You could just fucking say what he said.

This is just like the big potato article. Now, we know what you're thinking. There are literally hundreds of songs. Listen to how this is fucking genius, how much this person drags us out. The guitarist's incredible catalog may make choosing difficult, but Jimmy Page managed to pick the ultimate Led Zeppelin track. Now, don't you think right here you would say he picked this song? No, we keep going.

Now, we know what you're thinking, like Bad 80s comic, I know what you're thinking. When did Ron Howard get cancer? All right. They are literally hundreds of songs that could be put down here. That's what I would say if I was my look, if I got on stage in 1989. I know what you're thinking. Who gave Ron Howard cancer? There are literally hundreds of songs that could be put down here as some of Led Zeppelin's best.

A whole lot of love may have been one of the most influential riffs of all time. Something Page commented on in the 2004 saying we felt into in 2014 saying we felt the riff was addictive like a forbidden thing. A similar case can be made for Black Dog too, but it's not his favorite. Now, right here you would be like, his favorite happens to be, he was asked by Rolling Stone in 2012, which song he felt contained the greatest Led Zeppelin riff and his response may well not be what you're expecting. So this is eight years old and the person's still drawing this out.

Page, famed for his evolving blues rock sound instead, picked his Eastern influence gem from physical graffiti. The brilliant cashmere has to be the one. There we go. There we go. 200 fucking words. He knows that while the riff may well be the biggest moment on some of Zeppelin's songs, without the rest of the band's input, Zeppelin would never have reached the heights they did.

It's difficult to be asked what's your favorite Zeppelin track. They were all, they all were. Page told Freaky of Rolling Stone, they were all intended to be on those out, but he decided to narrow it down soon after, I suppose cashmere has to be the one. There you go. Now you know. All right, I got to do an ad read here, everybody. An ad read, an ad read.

They say such things and they do strange things. It's an ad read, an ad. So let me get this straight. So people are having difficulty applying for fucking unemployment, but the cheesecake factory after eight days can be like, fuck you, we're not paying our rent and everybody's okay with that. You know, the fucking guy, the hand sanitizer guy gets all kinds of shit for price gouging on that, but I go on Amazon to try to get some more Swifters

and they want 59 bucks for a box of them. How come they're not shitting all over the fucking the Amazon people? Maybe they are. Let's see if they are. Amazon price gouging, price gouging on PlayStation. Texas lawmakers demand Amazons and other stuff. Price gouging by Amazon. Texas lawmakers demand Amazons and other stuff.

Price gouging by vendors. Amazon Walmart. Do you realize the level, I just want to be in the fucking meeting. I just want to be in the meeting. How does it go down at those corporate offices where they're sitting there going like, you know, we live in America. We are Americans. These are our countrymen and they're struggling.

How can we take advantage of this? How much do you think they can afford to pay? What if we made a Swifter, a box of Swiftings, a luxury item? Jesus Christ. Remember back in the day when Publishers Clearing House would come up to your house with that giant fucking check and people would lose their minds? First of all, you realize I was dumb enough. Well into my 20s that I thought that that was the actual check that because it was so much money,

they wrote it on a big check and I actually thought you took that check down to the fucking bank. And then a security had to walk out and get it because you couldn't slide it underneath the teller window. I swear to God, I'm not fucking bullshitting you. I thought that for the longest fucking, that that was the actual check. So anyway, with this price gouging, you know, the Publishers Clearing House people, they're going to start fucking coming up with a box full of Swiftings. Amazon Coronavirus Prouse Gouging leads to removal of... I love how they fucking get to blame the vendors when you know they're getting a piece of the action.

3,900 seller accounts from U.S. store due to coronavirus base price gouging. Amazon announced Monday that it has removed more than 3,900 selling accounts voting for fair pricing. Well, they're not doing a good enough job. It gives a fucking... I don't know. Let me just get to the ad read here. The ad read, the ad read. They say such things and they do strange things. It's the ad read, the ad read.

I'll never go there anymore. All right, live read. All right. I think they asked... Okay, one read. They asked to avoid mentioning the virus. All right, I'll play ball. All right, policy genius, everybody.

These are things we each look back on and think, how did I get it so wrong? It might be wearing multiple polo shirts. Oh my God, you remember that? Multiple polo shirts and popping all the collars. Wow. That was a thing for like three weeks. Donating to Kony 2012. I don't know who that is.

Or dating that one person that one time. You know the one. We're always going to get things wrong. That's just life. But there are also things we can get right on the first try. Like shopping for home insurance. That's where policy genius comes in. Motivate your audience.

First head to... First head to... Why do they say that? First head to policygenius.com and answer a few questions about yourself and your property. Then policy genius will compare your policy against options from top insurers to make sure you're getting the right home insurance coverage at the best possible price. You know what? The one great thing about this, seriously, is like back in the day,

they never had stuff like this and you would just pay. And you just buy something. And so how much you pay for them things? Oh dude, I could have got it for like 12 bucks no matter what you paid. And I never realized it was just a passive aggressive thing that the person was mad that you had something new. Then policy genius will compare your policy against other options from top insurance to make sure you're getting the right home insurance coverage at the best possible price. They save their customers an average of $690 per year doing just that.

If policy genius finds you a better rate than what you're currently paying, they'll do all the work to get you switched. Own a car too. Policy genius will compare your home and auto insurance across different insurers and even mix and match to find you savings. So even if you look back on your triple denim days in distress, you'll never be distressed about home insurance with policy genius. In just a few minutes you can find your best price and apply at policygenius.com.

We all get things wrong from time to time. At least we can get home insurance right with policy genius. There you go. See that? All done. It reminds me when I was a kid, when I was in junior high school, when I was in elementary school, it was all about Adidas. It was Adidas Dragon, Adidas Varsity.

I remember Adidas Dragons was cool because Hatch on Starsky and Hatch had them. I liked the Adidas Country, the green ones. I still have a pair of those because they reissued them in the early 2000s and they've never reissued them again with the same quality leather. Let me look these fucking things up. Adidas Country Green. Let's see what we got here. Ah, there they are.

Those were the best. Those were my favorite sneakers I had as a kid. Look how fucking ugly they look now. Oh, they actually, those look all right. Like they did a good job reissuing them. Oh, you can only get them in the fucking UK. So anyway, then Nike came along with the Nike Cortez and then that was it. They just fucking took over.

I remember my brother had the blue nylon ones with the yellowed swish and then he had the black and gray ones and I stuck with the Adidas. And then Converse All-Star was the shit for a second in the early 80s when people first started wearing like basketball sneakers and you didn't play basketball. And I had the low top red ones like Curly Neal and everybody had the red ones and it was only a couple of people in my grade that actually had the blue ones and I actually thought the blue ones were cooler.

They were white with the blue and then somewhere like the next year all of a sudden it was all about running sneakers and new balance took over, right? So there was all these different pairs and then they had, there was these black ones, black and gray ones and those were the ones that I wanted. I didn't want the red with the gray end. I wanted the gray ones with the black end and they were $60. And my mother was like, I am not paying $60 for a pair of sneakers. This was the early 80s.

So I don't know what that is in today's money, right? So I had to pay per roots. So I had to agree. I had to pay I think $20 bucks or $25. Like she wouldn't go above 30, 35 bucks. So I ended up paying the other $25 of it, which was a big fucking investment. All right, my new balance and I bought a Univaga Nuovo Sport. That was another big, which I still have.

I don't understand throwing out a bicycle. I don't get it. There's no motor on it. It's all made out of metal. All the parts exist. It's fine. I do not understand getting a new fucking bicycle. So I still have that thing.

I have the fucking in my, in my garage. I actually ride on that thing while my daughter rides her tricycle. I ride on a bicycle that I got when I was, I don't know, 14, I think. I remember it was a big deal because it was a 12 speed. Other kids had a 10 speed. I had a 12 speed. I had two extra gears. I still couldn't beat them in a race, but it was nice to know.

You know, and I upgraded because I had a Raleigh Beach Rambler. That was my paper route bike. A big fucking Pee Wee Herman looking bike in Massachusetts had white wall tires on it. And I remember me and my brother pointed at it and laughed. And then my dad saw it and he's from the 1950s white wall tires. He loved it. Oh, that's great. You should get it.

I didn't get it. I was so afraid of my dad. I bought it and I didn't even want it. And then I rode around the neighborhood and everybody fucking laughed at me. It was like if a pimp lost all his horse, but still wanted to have some style. So we had to sell his car, but so he still he bought a bicycle with fucking white wall tires. And everybody thought it was they just laughed at it.

And then one day my older brother got on it and he wrote it down the driveway and slammed on the brakes. And the tire was so fucking thick that it sounded like a car went and everybody thought it was cool. Yep. That was old Billy Burr little kid. Orange Afro a beach rambler bike with fucking white wall tires. Hey, ladies, where you going?

Um, yeah. So anyway, so I got these fucking new balance fucking sneakers, right? And I paid full price for him. Wherever the fuck I got him back. I mean, athletes for it was still around back there. It's still around now, but I think it was around even back then. And I remember coming into school and everybody's like, Oh shit, because those they would like the best ones.

Right. And I just remember everybody, how much you pay for them things? How much pay for them things? I just though during the day, I just kept lying, kept dropping $55. Oh, dude, I could have got them things and Hermans for fucking 48. And I just kept dropping the number. No matter what fucking number I said, somebody said they could have got a better deal. You know, and I think I dropped it too much.

And then they said where and then I had to make up a store. And then they said I was lying. And I just going back, why don't I just say I paid full price. My mother wouldn't go higher than 30, 35 bucks. So I had to pay the final 25, but I have a paper route. So I agreed to do it. And I spent $25 of my own money because I wanted to wear these and come to school and be a cool kid. And maybe people wouldn't fucking give me shit.

And you guys are doing it anyway. So I'm out 25 bucks because you're still giving me shit and I'm really disappointed right now. Imagine if you came with that kind of honesty at that age. I imagine you still get the shit kicked out of you. All right. So how much time have I done here? All right. I think that's enough for one day.

I don't know. I don't know what to say at this point. Just fucking hang in there. Fucking keep wearing your mask and your bandanas and stuff. Evidently this is peak week. I think that they were going to get through it by the summer positive bill positive pop. We're going to get through this everybody. We're going to get through this in the government.

Fucking help people out with the goddamn unemployment. You already take too much of their fucking checks anyways. All right. That's it. Tax the fucking rich more. Make them pay for more. Right. Fucking do that.

Everybody helps everybody out. That's it. What is the fucking problem? You know what? This is a great opportunity. I think to just take down the banks. It just fucking start over again. Everybody's fucking working now anyways.

Just fucking start over again. Walk up to the Federal Reserve and say, hey pencil pushers. Guess what? We're printing the money now. We don't owe you any fucking money. Go fuck yourself. All right. And the dollar still has nothing behind it,

but it still means something because we said so. Because if you come over here and you give somebody some money, you can get something and fucking return. All right. So fuck all this inflation shit. It has value because we say so because we have nuclear weapons. Right. Then we switched to solar power.

Everybody learns how to make bread. We get vegetables growing in the backyard. That's it. You only go to mom and pop. Hey, you only go to mom and pop stores. There we go. No. You know, we did a benefit last weekend to help out some people that were

you know, in the comedy community, you know, comedians and wait staff that weren't making any money. So that felt good to do that. And we got to, I got to maybe something with all things comedy. You can figure out, try to help out some of the listeners of our podcast because, because that's what you do. You know, that's what you do when shit like this fucking happens. You don't fucking start price gouging.

And I don't, I don't believe in trying to say fucking divisive shit. You should try to be fucking bringing people together. I don't believe in fucking blaming, you know, this party or that party or the standing president or all that. Like you really, everybody's just got to be like, like fucking relax. And so fucking funny with this country, how everybody immediately goes to, I need to get a fucking gun because something's going to happen. And I know other countries look at us like,

what the fuck is wrong with you guys? And you have to look at it. This country is like one giant, like, you know, we're not all one people. And we, we didn't get off on the best foot with each other. So I think we go back to that when shit fucking starts. I don't go on down. I don't know what, but I'm hoping that people will use this as a way to come together and help out other people, you know, so maybe we can do something.

I don't fucking know. All right. Stride it. Oh, you know what I saw? I saw a old movie shampoo with Shirley McClain's brother, the fuck Warren Beatty. Warren Beatty. And it was a really interesting movie as far as like the development of the script where, you know, there's like a formula with movies and like in the first 10 pages,

like in page 10, something has to happen to set the movie into action. And then on page 25, 26, 27 or whatever, then it moves into the second act. And then somewhere in like page 70 is supposed to go, you know, into whatever the third act. And this sort of threw that out the window. And you were kind of just watching the characters lives unfold for like 20 minutes. And you're like, what the fuck is going to happen in this movie? But I thought it was really interesting and Warren Beatty was great in it. And I don't know, that's what I've kind of been doing that with my wife.

It's kind of been cool. Like we have not been fighting. Thank God. It's funny when we, when shit is regular, we fucking argue a lot. But now I guess that there's nothing to do. We're just fucking hanging out watching old movies. So I hope you guys have been able to do that. I don't know.

I don't know what, I don't know what, but I'm going to stay positive through all this. I think they're going to fucking figure something out. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourself. Check out some old NFL highlights and maybe watch some animals eating each other. Learn how to make bread or something. I'd like to do that.

But I imagine yeast. Let's see how much yeast cost at this point. How do you spell yeast? I'm a spelt at Y E S T Y E S T yeast. $48 and fucking 48 cents on wish. You fucking cunts. Safe instant yeast. 1350 on eBay.

Is it 799? I was actually watching some, I'll go a little longer. Who gives a fuck, right? I was actually watching some videos on how to make bread. It looked fun as shit, man. Fucking slapping that fucking dough around. Can't find yeast or flour. These days, 9 DC area spots are still baking killer bread.

What is baker's yeast and where can I find it? Fucking assholes. Fucking assholes, man. There was plenty of fucking yeast a month ago. What happened? Did one douche buy a whole garage full of it? All right. Okay.

There's in the Washington post.com. Set your fucking politics. Washingtonian. Sorry. Washingtonian.com. There's a thing. Can't find yeast or flour. These 9 DC area spots are still baking killer bread.

Just in case you want to leave the sourdough to the pros. I don't know what this is. If this means you can do it without that. That gives a shit. Look at this yeast. And then they got the fucking don't sneeze on anybody fucking. Bing Crosby hat with the fucking Sidney Crosby face shield. Look at that.

All right. Maybe that's what I can do. Maybe all things comedy can go out and pay top dollar for some yeast. And then just give it away for free. Crazy time people. Hang in there. Stay positive. Try to help people out.

I don't know what I guess that's what I got. Fucking stay inside. A broken record here. All right. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend. And I'll see you on Monday. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast Monday, April 9th, 2012. And we're going to do something a little different this week rather than me just sitting here in my pajamas. Ranting. Ranting and raving. I decided that I would get clothed this week and have a friend of mine come by. The one and only Dom I Rara, everybody. Thank you, everybody. Do you mind if I get undressed?

I would feel more comfortable doing this show. I like in the nude. In the nude. In the nude. Not just naked. In the nude. I think it's very fitting that I'm with Diego Bastard like you when we're sitting here drinking the vino. Ain't nothing, nothing.

You're Mick Brick. But let me tell you something. It is funny, isn't it? That I bring red wine over with a little glass, a little. You're doing. I was embarrassed that I only had one red wine glass. And the fact that the only thing I've had here is some stuff I brought over and you had a delicious sushi dinner. Okay, let me tell you this.

I thought I told Dom to come here at 730. So me and Nia ordered some sushi and evidently I said seven and this guy's Johnny on the spot. Seven o'clock right as the sushi comes in. Professional. Professional. I delivered it, didn't I? I know. And then you showed up.

The only thing I could offer you was the fucking wine that you brought. Do you want some edamame with your wine? You said to me. Well, listen, let's quit fucking around here. Let's get serious about comedy. We know. Yeah, let's sit down. I want to know about your process.

When you sit down, Dom, when we're going to talk about comedy here. You're talking about my instrument. How I tune my instrument. Yeah, we're going to talk about two comedians. We're going to sit here for an hour and talk about the logistics. Is that the right word? You can use that word. When you put the pen to the paper.

Did you see the... You got a little heavy now, though. Did you see the Masters today? I did. And were you happy that Bubba Watson won it? You know, I like seeing different people. The thing that's amazing to me is the nerves it takes. You know, a friend of mine is a scratch golfer.

One guy goes, why don't you turn pro? He goes, you have no idea the difference between me being alone out on a course, you know, hitting a 70 when compared to, you know, with millions of people looking at you. Yeah. You know what always blows my mind at those PGA things is when those guys go to tee off and they hit it like 300 miles an hour, all those people standing just off to the right and the left, sitting in their face just like... They really trust it.

They're looking for a subway to come. Yeah, yeah. Like what Bubba shot there when he was in the pine needles. I mean, everyone was standing there. There was a guy sitting there like a camera, like the level of faith that they had. One guy did get hit today. Did you see that? No, I saw him get hit yesterday.

I saw a guy get hit yesterday. Oh dude, it was like a delayed reaction. He hit the head? No, he got hit like center mass. You couldn't see because those people, but it was low enough where it wasn't his head. And it looked like he was walking around looking for the ball and all of a sudden he just sort of collapsed by his tree. And then the announcer just goes, oh dear.

One down. Somebody got hurt and just whispered it. I wonder what happened if somebody got killed, like I got hit in the temple. You think they'd stop the match after they took the ambulance, took the body away? No, I think that they would keep going, but... And not say that he was dead. It would ruin... It doesn't look good.

Yeah, it would ruin the spectator part of it. We'd then have to all be wearing helmets and stuff like that. Years later, people... Goggles. Yeah, years later, people would watch it on YouTube the way you watch like a goalie back in the day that didn't wear a mask. This guy's out of his fucking mind. Look at them standing there in the fairway.

Do you play golf? No, I don't. I appreciate the game, but I'm just being a no-pigment Irishman. I mean, by the fourth hole, I don't give a fuck. It sounds great. You go out there with your friends. Sounds great, yeah. You get a 12-pack and you just...

And we could make a lot of money because they had these celebrity things that you could go on. You've gotten offers to golf with people, right? Yeah, maybe carrying somebody's bags. I mean, you got those kind of things. I mean... Celebrity golf, no. I'm out of that loop.

Well... I'd have to go out there with some big like Hannibal Lecter Sun Hat that he wore, like at the end of the movie. If they had nighttime golfing, I would do it. I have friends that golf a lot and I just don't want to suck at something else at this age. You know what I mean? So I stick...

I'm close to the vest. I shoot pool and I play ping pong because I love ending up where I started. You know what I mean? There's no big thing. People go, you play ping pong? Like... What are you, a half of a fag with the ping pong? My thing is...

I don't play like standing there with a beer in my hand. I play like, you know... You put some spin on it. I put some spin on Mother. You know who you gotta play is Jimmy Dore. Is he good? Jimmy Dore. Jimmy Dore invites you over.

You know? The hilarious Jimmy Dore. He invites you over. You think you're just going over there to have some burgers at his lovely place and really he's just sick of beating everybody in his neighborhood and he talks shit. Where's he at? Like Silverlake or something? I don't want to out where he's at.

This is about as far as I'll go. Only because I love you. This is as far as I'll go. Is that a moth? These fucking goddamn fucking moths. You know you're old when you have to buy a cedar chest? Take a chest of drawers because they're eating at your old man's sweaters. I wear the v-neck sweaters now on stage.

I go with that with the t-shirt underneath. With the casual look? Yeah, I'm trying to disguise how much I dropped the F-bomb in my act. I figure if I dress... How many do you have for every 15 minutes? Well, I usually do four days when I go outside. I got four different colors. Maybe I'll switch it up with a button down just so the wait staff doesn't start snickering

at me. Off the record, I always thought you were a sharp dresser. Off the record, I'll take that. I mean, even that maroon goes good with your eyes. Well, you know, I mean, I knew you were coming over, Dom. I appreciate that. I appreciate the look. Listen, that fucking guy today who won that thing, okay?

I'm sitting there, the fucking golf thing. I watch it every year. I think it's awesome, right? But I'm looking at the guy and I'm texting back and forth my buddy Paul Verzi back east. And when he hit it off, that pine needle thing. That was amazing. Yeah, and it curved. Oh yeah, insane.

And went right to, you know, landed right there and then he goes in two putts and wins it. He said that that was the equivalent to when Eli threw that pass to Manningham. And I was just like, dude. To Manningham? Oh, this year. Yeah. I don't compare like real sports to golf. Golf is just like a giant pool table.

Yeah, it's a three hour mind fuck. I will give you that. But it's just like Eli had a 300 pound guy in his face taken, you know, shot to the head. It's it's not. This is what kills. This is what the thing about golf. First of all, did you saw a bubble? What do you want?

He's got that double chin. Yeah, yeah, seventh greater arms. He ever took a lesson in his life and Tiger Woods is on the course and so Phil Mickelson. So that's like Gretzky and fucking Mario Lemieux are out there and he beat him. Yeah. So it's like, I know guys who suck at sports like really bad, like you throw in the ball and they like tense up. Right.

There's one guy I know, like when he goes to shoot hoop, it's the fucking it's like the greatest like a physical comedy ever seen. He bites his bottom lip and he holds the ball right in front of his face so he can't even see the rim and at the last second he bends both his wrist so he can see it for half a second and then throws a line drive and it hits the under part of the rim. That's how bad this guy is. He gets on a golf course. He can compete.

He can hit it straight and I'm saying he kills guys and wins money out there. But to watch him hit a golf ball, you'd have no idea that if you like going to play softball, hey, let's see you hit a golf ball. Let's get this guy out there. This guy struck out. He I worked with him. He struck out slow pitch softball with a girl underhanded struck out to the point. He was so embarrassed.

I remember later on that night. This is how long ago it was. He got me wine coolers. It was the 80s. Disgusting. Oh, they were horrible. But you was psyched a few underage. He was like and I was like, this sounds like a getting molested story, but I swear to God,

it was I had to go back and I threw him pitches until it was dark out. I think it was the next night. The next night I did it. He was so fucking embarrassed. He struck out three times and everyone was giving him shit at work, but this guy can go to the golf course. I think bowling golf pool. I know people have said this before, but after watching that guy win today, I you know, I

totally respect the game. I think it's definitely one of the things about golf is you can also be a normal person. And I mean, like a basketball, you can't be normal. You're how many 610 guys did you see today? You know, yeah, when you go to the mall, how many 610 guys you see none because it's so it's such a freak game. The guys that are small or even freaks because their quickness is beyond belief like John Stockton, his hands were twice as big as ours.

There's always something freaky about that. Right. Something special. Yeah. But in golf, you can be like pretty much a normal guy for some reason. You got that. You can whack that ball, whatever it is, the torque, the physics behind it. All golfers, they're all like almost in shape.

Right. I mean, they got a little bit of packs, but they got a little bit of a belly. Dude, if you can kill that fucking moth, man, I've been killing him every goddamn week. Oh, shit. How did you miss that? I didn't miss it. I hit it. I stunned them.

I didn't miss it. The bell rang. He looked at me. Did you see him? Look at me. How much of a dick am I? I got you over here. You brought the wine.

I haven't offered you any nourishment. I got moths now, eating at my clothing. And I'm giving you shit about it. And I was always good to you, Bill. I took care of you and back in the day. No, early on, you were really mean to me. Get the fuck out of here. You were.

You used to bully me. Yeah, right. You did. Yeah. When I was in the comedy locker room and you came in, snapping towels. Way back in the day. Yeah, that was just horseplay. When we had some horseplay.

It was horseplay. Yeah. Well, nowadays it's considered hazing. You know, I have a friend who's prosecuting that Sandusky case. Oh, yeah. He went off the other day. He went on television. He went off on, uh, on the Sandusky and his lawyer.

By the way, not to be egotistical. This is pretty funny about Sandusky's lawyer. I said, what an idiot that guy is. He goes, I say, he's such a moron. And he goes, and my friend Joe goes, I got to tell you something, Dom. He's a big fan of yours. If they say what an idiot he is, I'm not finished. He does have good taste in comedy.

How many times does that's a great thing to bring up though? How many times have you made fun of somebody in your act? They're like a cartoon to you. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, you know, five, six years later, you're standing in the room with them. Oh, yeah. And then you just, then you're just going, oh my God, did they hear what I said?

Well, one of my first jokes, uh, uh, that was a closer joke in my act was before I did the Tonight Show, I did star search. Right. Now when you did the Tonight Show, was it Leno or? Oh, no, it was Carson. Carson. So, but I did the station. But before I did the Tonight Show, after I had done star search, I had a joke about

Ed McMahon. The joke was kind of like, uh, I said, I meet Ed McMahon. I said, I'm thrilled. 35 years in the business. What do I say to him? They're called Ed. I call him Mr. Ed. They're called Mr. E. Mr. Eddie McMahon.

I missed you. Big fat, lucky, talentless home. Kissing Johnny's ass for the last 30 years. You Budweiser sucked an outpost slinging. Nothing. What do you do? I don't mean that in a bad way. That was the joke.

And, uh, he comes up to me right before I go on to say hi to me. Now I didn't know that he thought the joke was funny, that he had seen me, that he knew who I was. And he pulls me towards it. I'm thinking, oh shit, Ed McMahon's going to slide me. Big guy too, right? Real big. Yeah.

Sixth floor, you know? And he was strong then. This was, this was before he got kind of shrunken and older. And I thought, man, Ed McMahon's going to sucker me and I got to go unstunned my first Tonight Show set. Right. You know? But I'm sorry.

He just said he'd have a great set and, you know, he was just very nice, you know, but Oh, no, he had, he heard the bitter. He had, but I didn't know he had, then his daughter told me he had, and then we worked together at the Philadelphia Academy of Music doing some benefit and he told me he loved a bit. You know, he thought it was funny. So see, yeah, we got to love a guy who's like comfortable with, uh, yeah, with where he's at.

I mean, he's big enough that you, that he's famous enough that it's funny. So in that sense, you don't do jokes about not to talk about comedy, but how fucking nerve wracking was it to do the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson? Because there was that whole thing that you couldn't just go out and have a good set. No, you had to get, you had to get the OK sign or the thumbs. OK, it was like you did good thumbs up. It was the imprimatur of comedy. I mean, it was like, and you know, most of the time you got called over either because

he wanted you over there or because of timing. And you know, that guy, uh, was that comedian that really alcoholic comedian from Boston, Teddy Bergeron? Yeah. No offense to Teddy, but you got it. You got it. I get it. I get it.

I can't open my hand. I can't open my hand because I got it. Well, just keep squeezing your hand. Was he there? He got fucking crawled away again. Sorry. I tell you, he's indestructible. He looked at me like you got to bring more to the table, more to the table and that baby.

But Teddy apparently did too long. So they brought him over to the thing, you know, but what we were asking before is an interesting thing because there was no fun in it. There was no joy in it. All it was was a passing. And through some, some worm tunnel, it was like the white Apollo in a way. But rather than the crowd, it was like he was going to boo you by just not bringing you over.

Yeah. And I remember looking out into the hills in Burbank thinking, I'm going to run away. I'll start a new life up in the woods. I really did because I couldn't. It was so there was no fun. My fucking head was panning. You love the curse? Yeah.

My head was pounding. My, my, I, I never get headaches. My pounding headache. My heart was beating like a rabbit's, you know. And then I got off. He gave me the thumbs. He told me, we got to have you back. And that was it.

And then how many like hours of just absolute relief is that that must have just been unreal. That's what I always, I hope the amount of times I think that like, why do I do this? Is you're standing there before you're going out like kids? I'm really actually a really introverted person before I started doing this shit. So now I'm just sort of a loudmouth asshole, kind of grew into, you know, just being on stage. But like the first, I would say like eight, nine years of doing this shit, the amount of times I was just standing and waiting to go on in some fucking impossible situation.

Oh yeah. Like Nick's third show or something. Yeah. We were out for those days at all, the Knicks. Knicks Comedy South Boston. I started at Knicks. Yeah. That was, I mean, luckily the guys, the Boston comics were good to me, but that was a tough

place. Oh, it's brutal. That was tough. If you were from Boston, third show Friday. Yeah. And then they would put like 10 fucking Boston headliners. Yeah. But see, they took care of me, you know, like Gavin and Sweeney, they all looked out for

me and they didn't try and bury me, you know, for whatever reason, you know, we always got along. So it was different for me. Like, like I heard Richard Lewis was so upset because somebody's Sweeney goes, follow that. Right. Follow that. All my stuff, my esoteric stuff, Boston stuff. And Richard apparently hid under the seats to hit under the stage till everybody left.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why they used to do that, but I guess they used to get territorial. It's really kind of a funny thing considering I didn't have to go through it and I wasn't from out of town. Yeah.

The fact that they'd be like, you know, what do you need headliners for? We're here. We can close these shows. Yeah. And that you would, because so many comics do, when you go on the road, try to bury you, but they never have the audacity to just say like, follow that, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

They always watched my back. They were always good to me. But then you ended up stealing from the club. What happened there? I stole from the club. Yeah. You don't remember that? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I saw some cash. Blackouts. Do you know, did your audience know that you were the one, I was part of the, I'm sorry. That's all right. We got to do a commercial here anyways. Hang on one second. I'm going to fucking type in this stupid password.

All right. Here we go. Stamps.com everybody. I don't know if you've heard about this. Do you hate going to the post office? I hate it. I absolutely can't stand it. Why do you have a suggestion?

Oh, you know, wouldn't it be great, Donald, somehow you could have the post office within your own apartment. Great. It'd be unbelievable. It'd be unbelievable. What if you can, you know, somebody that could do that. This guy, stamps.com. You can print out.

What's his name? Stamps.com. Oh, stamps. I think his name is Stamps.com. Yeah. Stamps.com. Stamps.com. I'm actually using this product.

You print out stamps. They give you a scale. You have to shout. I sent out my, this is the excitement. Yeah. This is the hype. Oh. They give you a scale.

Stamps.com. Yeah. You can weigh your packages or maybe the lady is seeing, you know, have a little foreplay with it. You can weigh them in your house. Yeah. You can weigh them right now. You put, you put on a little visor.

Dude, it's awesome. It sounds like a great idea. It is awesome because every time, every time I go down there. There's always some, you know, I can't say the way. I can't curse during these ads. I got in trouble last week because I dropped the C note. You're right. See, I don't go to the post office because I have a business manager, you know, but,

you know, at your level, I guess you still would. Oh, you want that behind the music stuff where they steal all your money? That's good. Did you sign away your power of attorney? Stamps.com everybody, if you, if you act now and use my last name, Burr, you can get a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a free scale and $55 of free postage. Are you serious? I swear to God.

Wait, Dom, go to Stamps.com before you do anything else before I can't finish the show. I can't. I gotta go out there. I have to do is click the microphone on the top of the homepage and you type in my last name Burr. B U R R for the special offer for my listeners. How much you get back? Sick and tired.

I get a flat free. They give me fresh microphones for every show I'm going to kill that moth like dead. You get a scale. Dead. You get a scale. Tell me what you get again. Just so I can scale the way the package is. Okay.

You get $55 of free postage. Wow. That's actually, that's a hell of a deal. That's a very good deal. Yeah. And people are. Stamps.com. It's a hell of a deal.

Yeah. That should be in that bumper sticker. Yeah. Stamps.com. It's a hell of a deal. All right. Back to the podcast here. Now, does your audience know that you were the one that I mean, I was the one that kind

of sparked, not sparked, but kind of set you up a little and then when you did that brilliant rant in Camden. Oh, the Philly thing, Bill. Oh, yeah, you went, you went on before, yeah, you went on, you were one of the other ones who went to the, uh, and you also, they started booing you and you didn't leave, but for some reason they didn't put that on YouTube. No, I told them that I make $12,000 in 10 minutes. Fuck you.

No, I remember you standing there going like, why, why would you think you guys could make me leave? And they actually paused from booing you for half a second. But it was only the people in the back. But the thing I loved about you was you were like sticking up for me and I thought that was really cool. And you went, they booed Don Marara like, like, you're one of my heroes. Well, come on.

I remember when I was in Boston and somebody knew you a headliner and was saying that, uh, yeah, you know, the other night Dom was in town and we were shooting pool and I remember thinking that that was the most, he knows Dom I rara. So I was psyched to be working with you and not to mention, do you remember that lineup that night? Yeah. The way that they would be, because everyone went out there and there was that dance motherfucker vibe.

Dude, as far as I can remember, it was Rich Voss, Tracy Morgan. Yeah, I remember Tracy. So Neil, you, Bobby Kelly, me, Jimmy Schubert, Jimmy Schubert, they booed Jimmy Schubert. They didn't let him say a word. He says, I bomb it. See, you can't bomb if they don't let you talk. You can't bomb when it's still light and you're standing outside and half the crowd is sitting down.

Right. That poor bastard brought half his family there. But the funniest, I know, you know, Jim Norton, Ralphie May, that was the show, dude. I can tell you when 20 years, people are going to look back at that lineup and be like, why were people getting booed? But they were drinking all day. It was crazy. It's outside.

So can I tell you something? My karma I deserved it because like in 1988, I went to go see Dice Clay at the Worcester Centrum at the height of that of the Dice stuff and an unknown Eddie Griffin was opening for him. Worcester is a great town for comedy. Yeah. We were all booing and I was booing too. Eddie Griffin.

Yeah, Eddie. You were booing Eddie Griffin. He wasn't famous. I was in a comic and I was doing that moron audience thing like, yeah, Dice is going to love us because we're doing this, you know, because we want Dice to come on and Eddie Griffin stood there going, fuck you, motherfuckers. I'm not getting off stage and people kind of like, whoa, oh, we thought you were just going to run off and then he ended up killing doing that Michael Jackson thing that he did

or something. He killed. He ended up turning it around and killed. So that's the thing about that Philly thing. Why don't make such a big deal? Because I was like, guys, a bunch of guys have done that. They just was no YouTube. Well, you told me that they expect you to do it after that, but I got to tell you the

funniest line for some reason. Fuck the Liberty Bell. I don't know why, but that made me cry laughing like, what does the Liberty Bell ever do? Fuck the Liberty Bell. I hope he gets an ACL. I was running out of shit. The Flyers haven't won since Gerald Ford was president, but then fuck the Liberty Bell. You know what?

That's like, that's like somebody in Boston yelling at somebody going, hey, fuck Paul Revere. Like we give a shit. Right. Fuck Sam Adams. Hey, don't talk about our bell. Hey, don't talk about our tourist attractions like that. Fuck the duck boats, buddy.

Yeah. That was one of another happy night on another happy night on the road when you got anything and not a rumor has it that you're going to be starting up your own. Your own podcast. Rumor has it that I might be on a short list of guests that you're trying. Well, yeah, you said that you don't want to do it right away because we're talking now, but I want you to do it as soon as you want to do it. It's going to be a Dom Rarer live at the lab factory.

I'll come down and do it. Mike, because you're a conversational guy. I just don't like when I go and I do somebody's podcast and for an hour, we tell all our stories to each other, blah, blah, blah. And then, hey, come and do my podcast next week. And then it always feels like what I did for VH1 where I wasn't on I love the 80s. I was on I love the 80s strikes back. So they had already talked about all the A level shit.

Right. So when I came through, it was like, do you remember what would you do for a Klondike bar? All the Eddie Murphy raw back to the future. All that shit was gone. And it was like the really, do you remember a show called Square pegs? No, short live show. You got any comedy on that?

It was really like so that that's that would be the reason why I don't do that, though. If you're wondering, I want to tell you, I really appreciate you breaking out your new shoes for this. These aren't new. I just don't wear them much because they look like bowling shoes. These are Todd's. I was going to say three 85 a shoe, three 85 a shoe. That's how expensive they are.

You have to be camp by a pair. You can't find me the visual. I bought the first one and then the other one. I'm going to come back and get later. Now, how do you how do you write, Bill? What's your process? Well, you know what it is? Is I try and go out and live a life.

Okay. And it writes itself. You know, and as a comedian, you always have to be observing things, you know, the newspaper. I read like 17 newspapers a day, Don. That's what I do. It's just because I want to see it from every angle. So you're more of an informative person than an actual comedian. You don't even go for laughs.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Well, you've seen my sets down there, Don. Yeah. Well, that's what I always loved about watching you on stage. I didn't go for a laugh. I didn't stand it to the crowd. Your ability to just stand there and have them stare at me and just not walk off stage was amazing.

I want the crowd thinking this is I'm more of a motivational speaker when they leave my show. I want them to think, fuck, I could do that. That's what I'm about. Absolutely. You with the laughs and the killing. Yeah. It's old.

It's old school. I like the teaching. You know what I love with comedians, say, true story, like that makes a difference. Like like they're going to leave. It's a good saver. Yeah. That was a true story. Yeah.

But like, like you're going out the end and go, you know, a second guy, I didn't think he was funny, but we'll talk about integrity. My God. He was honest. I think those other guys made that shit up. That really funny shit. No, but you know what I love is you still you still come down to work out and I always work out.

I feel like there's just a handful of us who once you start selling tickets on the roads, we'll still go down. I don't know why guys take off nights like that. I mean, I understand it like if you're married and like I'm single right now, but even when I wasn't, my girlfriend didn't understand. I go, well, I'm trying to get better. Right. What do you think?

I said, you know, like you can't say like you like when I did the tonight show that was 1987. Right. You know, a long time ago that, you know, I could, I mean, I have to practice. I can't let go. Like if you play basketball, you can't say to somebody, you know, I usually score 25 points a game. He's going, well, you know what, pal, you scored four tonight.

So, you know, I, you want to be good. I mean, I know you have the same motivation that I have to keep improving. You're not, you're not really competing against anybody else. Just compete with yourself. Hey, I am competing with a lot of people. Who are you jealous of? Who really makes you angry? Success?

You. There's just something about, you know what it is? You, you like my, my lack of height, my, my tough guy to know about you is your, your, your arm wrestling abilities. Hmm. We were talking about that last night. Not to be a name drop. Renee Zellweger.

Cute. You ever see her live? Beautiful. No, I've only seen her in the movies with that, that fucking guy who looks like Phil Mickelson, but he's from England. You gotta go with the hooker. Oh, oh yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It should be like the $20,000. Yeah. The one that he was that hooker's name. He's like Philip North. What the fuck was his name? No, I forget. I'm Harry Harrington.

No. It's something Bobby Bittman. Yeah. It was like a film Rosenthal. It was like something. It was a film Rosenthal. He's the producer. It was Raymond.

No. What the fuck was his name? Harry Crumb. No. No. And I'm terrible at names. Harry. You're really terrible.

It's not even close. You grant. You grant. I thought it was an H. Harry Harrington. Hugh Grant. I knew something like that. That would be a great memory.

That'd be a great recall. It was like Destiny or Divine Brown. Holy shit. You're good. I thought she was hot. You have to ask her what a question. I thought she was hot. She was hot.

She was hot. She, you know, and that's, you know, that's one of the great things about being a hooker here in LA. Just like everybody. At any moment. You don't know who you're going to run into. What exposure? A movie star.

It was great exposure. How about the Eddie Murphy thing with the transvestite? Was that ever proven though? Well, he, I think, I think it was proven that he, you know, nobody could ever prove that he didn't know it was a, that he knew it was a man. But you don't go to Santa Monica Boulevard and pick up regular hookers. What if you're going just going to swing it by yum yum donuts? He just happened to meet.

Hey, look, Eddie Murphy is a brilliant actor. But I mean, the thing is. By the way, what is with all the, what, what's the deal? What's the deal? What's the deal? What's up with? What's the deal with all the donut places out here? Why are these people and why do they eat so many donuts?

I don't know. I don't have. I've never seen so many, not only so many fucking donut shops out here, but they're all like seem to be independently owned and everyone has a different name. There's yum yum donuts. Go go. I know there are. Oh boy.

I got some donuts and everybody out here works out. Who? Paste you with a hole. He knows. He's done it. Paste you to hole in the middle. Ben Renee Zellewer. Eat a dozen and then fucking yak him up.

She's beautiful. Oh yeah. What I was going to say. At any point when you were talking to her, did she do some sort of touching of your arm or maybe tapped your knee and just made you feel like a little boy again? Well, she has. She's very, very like her, her whole aura is really positive at her. Yes.

She is right in the middle of her chest. She has a centrally located she. But you know how I met her. Talk about a name dropping thing. First on a Sunday night, I'm in Cleveland, it's snowing sideways. It was so bad out next day. Folks, it was snowing. I'm telling you, it was snowing.

Talk about snowing. I'll tell you. It's coming right off the lake. It's a lake effect snow. It's not real snow. It's like effect. You see the difference? But I'm sitting in Cleveland looking out the window.

I'm not even going to get out of here tomorrow. I had to go to a reading. Ready for this? Name drop city. Sean Penn had called me up. Jesus Christ, Dom. I know. Wait, there's more.

So why are you jealous of you? To read with Chaz Pimentieri, De Niro, Renee Zellweger. Oh, go fuck yourself. For what? For a movie, a comedy movie about that. I was supposed to play De Niro's brother now. Bullets Over Broadway? Yeah, Bullets Over Row.

No, this is just last year. As a matter of fact, they called me a month ago to come in and read the rewrites with them. But I couldn't make it. I had bronchitis. But I'm sitting there and I've really turned into Woody Allen. Because at the end of the thing, I just got kind of a crush on Renee Zellweger. And she's so pretty and such a good actress. And she says, you're really good.

Because I hope I get to work with you, Babe. And she said, Babe. And I was walking down the steps alone. I'm going, she called me Babe. Oh, yeah. Babe. It's not unreal. Yeah, yeah.

The power of a beautiful one. Forget about if they're famous. Yeah. I did a show one time and down Irvine down at the mall there. And at the end of the show, this woman came up and just really quickly shook my hand and then said really funny and then left. I'm telling you, it was like fucking electricity. Yeah, yeah.

Was in our hand. And it was the chick from the white snake videos who walked around in the white dress. Still looking good. But I had no idea who she was, but she just had like that. There was no way she wasn't going to become famous. I'm telling you, dude, she shook my hand and it was like lightning bolt went through it. There's definitely energy to that. And she's like, I don't know, pushing 50.

And there was all these other 27 year old hotties and I'm watching her go out the door like who the fuck was that? Yeah. Well, you know who was hot like that? You know, you ever wish that you had that sort of electricity, Tom? You ever wish that you had that sort of? I never, you know, even when I was good looking, I wasn't that good looking. Yeah.

The it factor. You know what? I loved it. Oh, man, I can't forget his name. Guy passed away. It was one of my favorite. Richard Jenny. No.

W.C. Fields. He used to. He used to do. Ava. Ava Goddard. Ava Costello. He used to. He was a former teacher and he used to do that.

Oh, welcome back, Carter. Nope. Nope. He passed away. Fuck, man. It's now it's becoming really stressful. Redhead with the mustache. Dennis Wolfberg.

Dennis Wolfberg when he used to do that. Why did you say that? Because I'm bad with names. And then I totally love the guy. Then I panicked and then I just forget it. Yeah. This is why I do this. I sucked it.

You're blocking. You're blocking yourself. I'm putting too much pressure. That's why I don't golf. I don't golf with these bubbles. These self-taught guys who beat the Gretzky's and the Mario Muse. He used to do this bit about the it factor, having it with women.

No. Remember that joke? No. I don't know what it is. I don't think I ever had it. He goes away. But whatever it is, I have the antidote, ladies and gentlemen. And he would stick his tongue out.

Yeah. Fucking love that guy. I probably just butchered his goddamn joke and I was probably going to say this is funny, but I think it is. No. He lugged a lot, but he was funny. Oh, it's just jokes. I mean, his whole act was mugging.

He went out to the Comedy Connection of Providence right in the end when he was sick and he sat down destroyed and got a standing ovation. I heard he did that and I heard he did Boston when it was still open. Yeah. Comedy Connection. Absolutely destroyed. You know, I heard one time. I heard you one time you did a set half sitting half standing simultaneously and you fucking

destroyed. You know, it cracks me up as like I see like better kids, you know, was he like 39? Good shape. Whatever you start looking guy. Yeah. And he sits down after about two minutes on stage. We don't 15 minutes to Comedy Store all day long. We don't look who don't work and he sits down doing takes a break after two minutes.

Oh boy. Anybody else tired? He looks like he could do like 40 pull-ups just when he wakes up. He could do it. I'm sure he could. Yeah. Well, I'm glad we finally got to that about 40 minutes in. We finally know 30 minutes in that we realized that Brent Ernst is one of the more lazier guys

out here. He's a lazy funny comedian. This is the kind of things. I mean, I can't believe you got me to admit certain things on the show or you're about to. I want to make your cry is what I want to do. I think somehow Brent Ernst killing while sitting down and being better looking and better shaped than both of us. I think this is going to lead you to crying.

Well, I realized now, you know, look, look how much weight I've gained. Right. Now, you know, I've gained since I've known you with 30 pounds. Right. And I know that. I can't tell. Well, you don't really look. You don't really check me out.

I know what it is. Oh, look at my head. My head is bigger. Well, you're wearing that slimming black t-shirt. I've got a very bonds head. But it's interesting because now and I don't even know if this is a bit yet, Bill, but I think there's something in it. I have to look.

I don't like women my own age. Right. I mean, I can't I can't fake that I could get aroused by them. I always wanted that. No, I always wanted. I mean, I wish I had that kind of love or something, but I need like a hot young chick. But the only hot young chick I'm going to get has to be flawed. Right.

She's got to be daddy issues. Inside or outside. Yeah. She's got to be messed up in some way. But that's what I'm looking for. How many how many strippers have you have you dated? Only a couple. I was in love with one.

How old were you when you did when you made that move? Two years ago. You fell in love with the strip. I fell in love with it. Yeah. First of all, this is a country song. She was I fell in love. She was not stripping at the time.

She was bartending and just give him an occasional lap dance and really beautiful girl. And fun. But I'll tell you, OxyCot and an alcohol really mess you up. Yeah. I don't know if you knew that. Yeah. I got some. I still love the girl, but she's I don't think I don't think we're getting back together

because her husband and her two kids keep blocking us. Oh, Jesus, Dom, you're making me feel good. Making me feel good. Some of the choices I made back in the day. Dude, Oxy is that's terrible. Yeah. That's one of those things like even when you get off it, you're I don't know that you're ever depending on how long you do it the same.

I lost a buddy. I got another one. He's not doing so well. Did you grow up in a neighborhood that was a lot of drugs? Not like that. Not like that. It was I grew up, you know, it was cul-de-sac bullshit. It was weed.

There was the weed guy. There was the bookie. And then and then there was, you know, booze, obviously, but, you know, and some coke when you got older. But nobody was doing like heroin and crack was like, you're out of your fucking mind. Because everybody thought if you smoke crack, that was it. You were done. Well, they say you get addicted the first time.

That's what they said. But I got friends of mine who did and they're like, okay, it was all right. Oh, really? Yeah. Maybe they're addicted to other things. They didn't have time to be. Maybe they're just better people. Better stronger.

You have good friends. Let me ask you this. If you had one drug that you think you would like, what would it be? I know what mine is. If I could do a drug that I've never tried. You've never tried and you think that it's not going to have any repercussions. You just want to the feeling. What feeling would it be?

I have a tie. I have a tie. What is I want to know? I want to know what it feels like, like that train spotting where you sink into the rug. The first time you do heroin. That's exactly that's exactly what I want that. But I got to admit the hallucinating thing tripping. Yeah.

But I'll but that doesn't somebody told me like he said wake when you trip in. It's not like you don't know that you're tripping. You see the door fucking melting. You're like, Oh, it's because I'm on acid. It's not like those high school films where you'd be like you thought you could fly and like that. Jump out the window. No.

I think what was that movie with that old guy? Was it somebody? Timothy Larry. Alan Arkin did a part where he played an old guy and he fucking he just got addicted to heroin like his 70s. He's just like, What the fuck? I'm 70. That's actually a good idea.

Just to try it at 70. I mean, I'd rather go out shooting drugs and go out taking, you know, dick in the ass. Dick in the ass. Yeah. That must hurt, man. That's the thing. You ever think about that seriously, Bill? Well, taking one.

Yeah. Accepting one of things. Taking one for the team. Taking one for the team. All right, Dom. Your number came up. Sorry. You're not gonna like this.

I don't think so. We worked this out. No, I've actually thought about it. Are you really a priest? How I want to go out. Yeah. Eating by wolves. Shredded by animals.

Yeah. I either want to live to be like 105. Like you live so long that there's like nobody at your funeral because you outlived everyone. Yeah. Who gives a shit. Or, you know, because that is a funny image. Because that's one of the things. If you live long enough.

I'm sure he had people that cared about. Oh yeah. People doing the eulogy. I met him when he was 87. And, you know, he was old. He liked playing cards. He always wore those slippers. He always wore those slippers.

But if you die, like, you know, like all my friends, you know, who have died tragically fucking young, it seems. I mean, you pack the house and everybody's up there. Yeah. That's the only good thing about dying young is everybody gives a fuck. There's articles written about you. There's nothing worse. I mean, there's nothing worse than dying young. But dying old also is, you know, you're sitting there and you got that fucking old terrified picture.

My uncle Tony, when he died, he really was very prejudiced and very angry. But he also loved his children. He loved God. He loved mountains. And then when he died, it was so funny. Does that make up for the racist side? Yeah. Yeah.

But I'm saying he was that balance. Crosses on people in the nature. Love birds. It's true, though. He was like all that. And he and what we're standing around the coffin. You see that mountain? It's for us.

That's for us. Not these other people. This is God's country. But when we're around the coffin, we're standing there. You know, people lie about people after they die. And this guy, Lee Fidelli, who was the first Italian character ever did, like I got down a little. He said, we're standing there. Me, a friend of mine, is a priest.

And like a couple of my cousins, and we're standing there over the body. And he goes, he never had a bad word to say about anybody. And we went from crying to fucking laughing. And I'm thinking, I said, oh, he did always have bad words to say about everybody. And then he goes, this is a really old reference. He goes, he never hated anybody except Larry Boa. Right? Larry Boa, the old, for the Phillies.

And he goes, and he looks up. He goes, he hated that motherfucker with a vengeance, huh? Was he a gambler? No. He didn't gamble. He just hated him. He hated Larry Boa because he hit 175, but he was a great fielder. But I mean, what an obscure reference to make at a funeral.

So in general, back in the day, he probably just didn't like second basements straight across the board. But I love that everybody laughed. I've had a couple of those at like funerals. We were crying. We went from crying crying to crying laughing. I did that one time. Buddy of mine, his dad died. And it was just one of those fucking, you know, tragic, you know, we were young and he died

on the nowhere and the kid had already lost his mom. It was fucking horrible. And so it was pouring raining to make it even worse. Fucking like the movie seven, it was raining like that. Okay. Yeah. We, you know, go, you know, go through the service and now they're going to, you know, put the guy in the ground and the guy was so popular.

I mean, there was just a zillion people there. So they had like one of these, you know, one of those pop tents with no sides to it. So there's so many fucking people. Everybody's jamming in there. Me and my buddy can't get in, you know, we're on the outer ring. We're just getting rained on and shit. And my other asshole friend is just inside the tent and he's sitting there. We're all crying and stuff and they're bringing the body down.

And all of a sudden, just from the way to the rain, like this little like canal started pouring down and just missing my friend and my buddy in the middle of crying, just reached up and adjusted it. So it went all over his coat, but he had like this wool kind of coat on so he couldn't feel it at first. And dude, I'm talking crying, laughing, just crying. Cause it was so sad. And that's the thing too that I never thought people ever understand about comics when they

have a distasteful joke, like if a boat sinks, there's a plane crash and you have a joke. They always think it's because you're insensitive and they sometimes don't understand that it's a defense mechanism. Twisting the pain. Yeah. I'm feeling something bad. I don't want to feel it. And then you make a fucking joke and then you're laughing because you don't want to feel that.

So you're actually doing it because it's kind of a, I think I think it's a dysfunction. It's kind of a form of dysfunction. Well, like the pedophile jokes, we all know how terrible that is. You know, I think there's instances, but you could twist it around. I usually bring it back on myself, you know, like one joke that says, you know, what about me, father? I wasn't hot enough for you. You know what I mean?

Like that kind of thing to make it me. I wouldn't want to hurt a kid, but there's a good example of something that's caused so many people so much pain. I'm not just talking about the physical pain, but you know, we do. You end somebody's life when you, that's why that, that Sandusky guy, yeah, you know, like they shouldn't put those good, they should automatically get the death penalty just immediately. Yeah. It's all, they take them out.

Dude, if you got a rabid dog in your neighborhood, you fucking put it down. Those sex offender guys, that's it because all those people that that dude fucked with. Yeah. It's like that's going to now affect, you want to talk about dating strippers, like how that's going to affect who they pick, you know, who they pick as a wife, how they treat their kids. There's a chance that they could, you know, sometimes I don't know if it happened. I'm going to go beyond my intelligence on this, which isn't too hard to do, but I,

all I know is that, that's generations of therapy because of the abuse of the, they, they repeat the whoever, they don't get therapy. You can't put that guy in jail and like, I mean, how long, like you're attracted to what you're attracted to and no amount on a cell. Well, especially if they stuck in a cell, how long before you wouldn't like big titted strippers? You'd come out 80 years later. I'm dumb. I won't bring me to some big titted stripper.

Those guys like eight year olds. You stick them in a cell and you talk to them. You try to undo it and show them an adult that they're wired that way. That's it. I'm fucking sick. Is that put in, put them down. It's, it's horrific. It's why I don't believe in a higher power that gives a fuck.

Well, that's a whole different subject, but I understand that. Do you hear that pedophile joke about, uh, you might have a little joke joke. No, no, no, no. It's two guys sitting on a bench. I see an 11 year old boy walk by one guy. Pedophile says that the other one goes, boy, he must have been hot back in the day. He must have been something back in the day. Oh, that's fucking twisted.

Yeah. And with that, a little more advertising. Tom, you have a better. I still, I still like the stamp. The stamp.com is tremendous. Yeah. What do you got for me, Bill? Amazon.com.

Oh, okay. I got a thing now. You mind telling me about it? Oh geez, Tom, I would love to. I'm so glad you said that. I was worried that you were going to say, Hey Bill, don't tell me about that. No, I wouldn't know. Cause I hear great things about Amazon.com, but I don't know enough.

Talk to me, man. This is the deal. I'm not saying you have to buy something, but the next time you buy something on Amazon.com, if you want to contribute to the podcast, go to billbar.com, click on podcasts and on the right hand side under the iTunes window, you'll see the little banner for Amazon. If you click on that, you know, buy whatever you want to buy a pen and pencil set, go buy some used truck. I don't care.

Whatever you do, just go through my website, click on the Amazon.com. No, no, no, no people are listening to you and supporting Amazon Amazon.com actually does is they, they kick me a little bit of money and then I take 10% of that and give it to the wounded warriors project. So you can contribute to everybody wins everybody wins and you, you get something in the mail like it's Christmas. That's one of the great things about ordering something offline. Because a lot of times you forgot you ordered it and you had a bad day and you come home.

There's like a little, it's like a present. That's nice. You know, and you forget the, your body. I had great things about that company. In fact, I was talking to a friend of mine from Cleveland. Oh, by the way, I'm playing Hilarities this week in Cleveland. Oh, let's hype it. Wow.

Yeah. What days? Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Only. Four days only. Dude. How great is Nick Costas? Oh, he's great.

Yeah. The nervous, nervous Nelly of club owners. One of my feet and can still knock out a 20 year old at whatever. What is he like? 65? Oh, at least still, still love. I was giving him a break there. He's still like, oh, I didn't mean it.

That was amazing. He's incredible shape. Yeah. Last time I was there. He rides motorcycles. Allegedly. Allegedly. Someone who looked like him, uh, yank somebody out of a car and, uh, yeah, tuned him up a

little bit as they say back East. Really? Yeah. The guy kept blowing his horn. You know, you know, Nick's, Nick gets worked out. Yeah. Nick's no joke. He's a truly is a tough guy because he didn't tell, he didn't tell me he did it.

Somebody else did. You know, somebody doesn't fight. Oh, I grabbed this guy. Nick didn't say shit. Somebody else told me the story. I was laughing my ass off and I went, I said, Hey, you know, I heard some guy was beeping the horn. What happened?

Cause I wanted to hear the story from him and the way he told the story was, oh, that's right. No, he told me the story first. He said, you know, how's business going? And he tells me the story. Like, you know, it's been good. You know, I kind of had a problem with this guy, you know, the guy, you know, he kind of, you know, I just had to kind of sort some stuff out or whatever.

Just the way he told it. It would be great in a movie, like some real tough guy telling the story and then you smash cut to like what's really going down in his head against the clear. No, like, yeah, he seemed like he went into one of those rages where you don't even remember what you did. I wanted to work things out with him. You know, yeah. Greatest guy ever.

And I absolutely love that club and I'm hope I'm trying to work on a date there right now. But Don Myrera, the legendary, the one and only the guy with the swagger swagger swagger who has table reads with Renee Zellweger. She calls him sweetie as a jealous Robert De Niro stairs bullets at you. He was Robert De Niro broke character, right? He starts laughing, which I thought was great, one of the greatest American actors. And I say to this guy who wrote the script, I go, it's so fun for me to see Robert De

Niro getting the giggles and breaking character goes, Well, you know, he doesn't really put everything into that. And I said, Oh, you don't have to defend Robert De Niro to me. You know, I was in Puss in Boots and Children's Theater. He's doing Raging Bull and I'm in Puss in Boots, you know, a great actor. Yeah, it's just a table read. You know, I like, I like that he said that to you as if you didn't realize that that's one of the great actors of all time because I was going to say what was it all smoke and

mirrors. Anybody can get lucky with the deer hunter taxi driver, Raging Bull, good fellas, anybody can get luck. Casino. Yeah. Mean streets. What was it? Let's go back and forth.

What was the one that he played Rupert Pumpkin, the comedian King of Comedy? That was great. Wasn't it phenomenal? I can't believe I like I don't own that. That's like it. That's a sin. I know as a comedian that I don't I don't own that. All right.

Let me ask you. Let me ask you a favorite actor of all time. Oh, geez. Comedy or let's go drama drama something they don't let a lot of comedians do even though our lives are so crazy. Like acting compared to movie stars. Just make sure you have the mic up there. Don't oh shit.

Sorry. I would say maybe Pacino. Maybe Pacino because of a dog day afternoon, but the Nero's right there. I mean, those two guys are not because they're Italian, you know, I mean, like that baby's a great actor because they've made the greatest movies of the last 40 years. Yeah. I mean, you know, you know, I was joking with some of you. Who's yours before?

I'll tell you that I always talk about this greatest IMDB page flawless is what is John Cazale. Oh, John Cazale's IMDB. He has five movies all were nominated for Best Picture. Godfather. Then he was in the conversation. It was a dog day afternoon. Godfather to dog day afternoon and then the deer hunter.

Wow. He doesn't have one, you know, boat trip. He doesn't have one. I'll do it. Yeah. He had one bad news bears part three, like what's a bad room? Those orangutan movies Clint Eastwood was doing, he didn't show up in any of those things. I fucking love those.

That's a really sweet short resume, five of those five movies. I took a train with him just by coincidence from really from New York to Boston. Him and his girlfriend were sitting next to me and we talked the whole time. Meryl Streep. No, I don't think so. We said it's good. Towards the end. Yeah, I didn't know.

I didn't know. That's how good he was. He was giving her tips. I'm not joking. I watched this thing. Well, it's what's the famous Fredo, I knew it was you. You broke my heart. Godfather to I knew it was you in the boat.

So there's a documentary that was on HBO called I knew it was you and it was about John Cazale and like, and it dude, it's just it's De Niro Pacino, Meryl Streep. All these just he was so great and dog day afternoon, the way he played that psychotic guy. Yeah. You know, I remember he didn't even know what Montana was. There was a country or something just that innocent stupidity. Yeah, never been out of Brooklyn.

All right. The whole way that they did the whole thing. So here's your favorite. Oh, I have the hackiest lit. I like I like I'm going to launch Livier. Those guys are great too. You know, all right, well, I'll I'll give you the the when I was young. I was I liked leave me out of this.

I like I was Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Charles Bronson. I just watched one of his old movies called The Big House in 1955. He had a small partner. And I'm telling you, as far as like physiques, he's the original like, yeah, he's a rock. He was dude. He was fucking shredded before people knew how to do P 90 X is used to work in mines in Poland. Like back then, like what I love about the 40s and 50s, and even in the 60s, like, like

being in shape just meant you weren't fat. Right. You know what I mean? Like when those guys like when you watch, let's you were hercules or one of those guys. But even some of them back in the back way early, they didn't have the muscularity. Yeah, like you watch like Ben Huron. They're all just like white smell. They're all sucking their guts in.

Right. And they always had like some sort of like it looked like some sort of wrestling championship belt that they would put almost like a cummerbund that they would always have over their gut. And they would just sort of have their sort of sort of pecs, right? Everything was just like they just showed up with what they had. Christopher, not Christopher Reeves. Who was the guy who played Superman? Christopher Reeves.

No, the other the older Superman on television. Yeah, he wasn't in shape. No, it was his shape at all. He looked like a leotard on the guy who played Batman wasn't a giant utility belt. But his brother was Hercules. Oh, Steve Reeves. And his name was Reeves, too, even though, but and he he was really in shape. He was, excuse me, bless you.

He was one of those guys that really looked like a look like Hercules. And they both they both both the Superman died tragically. Isn't that weird? I remember I used to do a bit on Christopher Reeves and it was it was it was after, you know, you got paralyzed, which might seem insensitive. But I was like, but it was no, because I was actually talking about what a pussy I was. Oh, yeah, people had like those horrific fucking injuries like that. And then they always go, I, you know, I consider a blessing.

I'm just going to every day I'm alive and blah, blah, blah. And like, oh, yeah. And then they always go like, well, God picked them because he knew that he could handle this challenge. My bit was don't ever fucking pick me because I'll be in that wheelchair. Kill me fucking kill me. Just being a head fucking kill me. And I was saying I would steer the fucking wheelchair.

I'd zoom myself down the stairs. There's no fucking way I could handle the only thing I could handle is somebody what flipping me over and fucking wipe in my ass. And I would just be going. I would just have to be joking around. I shouldn't be saying great to be alive. That's there's a few things I never make fun. I was when I was younger.

I never make I don't make fun of handicapped. I don't like I should there are some things that don't make fun. I don't make fun of special needs kids. It's just shit. I don't do I just make fun of it. Adult retarded kids retarded people rather once they get to a certain age. You can make you want to hear one one story that I tell that that I only usually tell offstage I was at a I was at a Red Sox game Fenway plaque right and I'm

sitting in the bleachers and there was this family of like the father with three sons two of them were just regular old people and the other one was special needs but he was a monster. He was like fucking six to and we were sitting out in center field and we were almost behind the bullpen and so this you know the weird configurations of Fenway it's like our row went to a wall and then the wall went up and then there was like left field no right field sort of like center field I guess yeah center right and then there's the center field bleachers with the garage doors.

So the kid who had the mental problems was like up against the wall or whatever and he was I don't know what his deal was he was getting worked up and his dad was telling him to calm down he's like fuck you he's like cursing and he was like retarded or whatever and then his dad finally goes come on calm down I think when the crowd was like he was getting like amped up and then the kid got too fucking amped up dad's like come on sit down he was like no I'm not sitting down his dad wound up and as hard as he could slug this kid in the chest but the dad was like 65 and this kid was like 28 and he was a monster and he hit him in the

chest and the kid just goes fuck you dude it was one of those things like you daddy when no one wanted to laugh right but it was fucking dude it was like right out of like I don't know we're out of a fucking like over-the-top comedy and then you were also terrified because you're like yeah get that dude settled down because he's big enough to kill all of us what am I doing I'm talking about people wheelchairs I don't talk about I got a Charles Bronson story that I was doing a roast for Mickey Rooney right and I'm there with Martin Landau George Siegel me Charles Bronson this is the half of the day of someone right and

Charles Bronson I go I just turned to him and he was very quiet you know I said am I gonna tell you it's really cool to meet you and he goes without even like inflecting any making the emotion he goes pass me that napkin where I go yeah how fucking cool is that Bronson he's so rude I love it right so I go up on stage and I'm like roasting not only Mickey Rooney but like other people in the dais and I tell the story about Bronson I go how cool that he's like you know this is Charles this guy this death wish guy and all right and he's so cold that he doesn't even accept a compliment he just asked me for a napkin and then I

come I sit down he goes hey man I'm sorry I can't hear out of this year I wanted you to be mean you know I loved all those guys and I was wondering the other day like I was talking to somebody going like why did the stars back then the Lee Marvin's the Bronson's and all them yeah why did they seem to those guys were like 130 140 pounds but you just had they had that vibe like I was like I would never fuck with that guy and then you look at the stars today look at Brad Pitt ah you know fuck him or whatever that guy's like six two six three shredded right it's the highlights in his hair I don't know what it is but

fucking I finally was reading something about Lee Marvin Lee Marvin fought in World War two and like his entire he was like one of two people who survived his entire platoon he's got a purple heart and all that and it's like no wonder he seemed like such a fucking badass yeah he was remember him in the wild one one up while in Brando you should check that out I think the big red one was Lee Marvin the wild one was that the one with the motorcycle one yeah I saw that but you know it's the worst the cringe-worthy moment moment in that movie is when they start singing those two actors and you can clearly see that

they're actors playing tough guys they start singing like some sort of do up at the end of the bar and they're supposed to be shocking the bartender dude it's such a douche chills moment where I remember that that was in why one that's when he's got the Harley in the coming of time yeah yeah it's one where he goes that's calm ball style one of the brand that had that one do you know what you know when you play the Wilbur theater in yeah in Boston that green room Brando lived there right oh really yeah I heard that he was tell the story like he when he was a broke actor he was doing three doing theater

and that was like some sort of dressing room you so broke he actually stayed there I'm afraid of that place when there's people in there I can't imagine going to bed that places haunted oh you think it is do you believe in ghosts oh yeah okay I don't believe him although when I come down here I kind of I heard one one time I heard one so clearly and here's I'm in my next day boo no a cough just kept coughing was it good I don't get any sort of laugh on that the ghost real clear he had broadcaster speech sorry no no I hear I'm in bed it was I had a studio apartment just moved out for my wife and I hear a cough I

got you know guys got a club I go guys got a club who's in here it's only a studio so I go and I look and I walk through a field of energy that my hair stood up in the back I got the chills but like a chilling feeling and I go oh shit this was during the day too so I get down to the office and I tell wait now when you walk through that energy the person like like take over your body and you start to make it like some pottery I started I started moonwalking around the apartment but anyway I said the department manager so this is weird she goes oh that's the ghost with the smoking cough right that there was a

regular ghost there that is this one I understand so what the fuck is with that stupid show ghost hunters they can't find a ghost to save their goddamn life that show is the funniest fucking show on TV don't they find like anything and then they always know the name of the ghost and they're like what I'm here forever I don't understand I I I don't know about that shit I don't know that I you don't believe a guy I believe that there's something beyond all the questions we have there's I believe in all that stuff that's beyond us but we don't know what it is and religion is a guess and it just doesn't it just doesn't do it for

me it just doesn't that whole fucking hey you gotta have faith it's like no you don't have the fucking answers to me religion is science okay science gives me fucking answers and if they don't have answers they go well we gotta work on and then they gradually figure out more shit but then then there's the spiritual side where you do something good you feel good you do something bad you feel bad unless you're a psychopath yeah unless you're a psychopath yeah I believe in that and that's that that feeling I feel is in everybody unless you're a psychopath and I feel that religion exploits that and they turn

it into this they turn it into a science they turn it into this formula business yeah and then they turn it into this punishment thing and then there's this fucking guy who's mad at me because I got a lap dance and it's like when you really just start reading about space and how fucking gigantic the goddamn universe is the fact that you know you're staring at me it's like me looking at a fucking an amoeba and getting upset about what the fuck it's doing with other amoebas yeah right it doesn't make any sense to me the fact that God would need to be praised and sung to would seem like he's insecure big time but how could

it be God you know but that's where I don't get you know yeah and it's like if I'm a fuck up it's like it's like you made me like where is your responsibility that's like if I build a car and it doesn't go and I get mad at the car yeah you know I mean hey you're fucking this car this car is evil it needs me thrown into a pit of fire I think I look I think if you're a piece of shit you you I actually have a philosophy another philosophy in this if you're a piece of shit you basically get yours in life you do unless you're the brilliance of a sociopath is you don't karma doesn't affect you I don't think unless you

believe in it if you don't believe in it then you don't feel like you did anything bad and you just don't attract anything bad to you but if you actually feel guilty you bring it to you because there's guys I'm not gonna name guys because I've seen guys in this fucking business just do like you know people who they just such a piece of shit it gets to the point yeah you're not even mad Collins it's like funny I don't know Bobby like that but like it's it becomes like funny you know you don't get mad this like what like yeah I don't name names I remember there was a guy this dude this dude I knew he borrowed

somebody's workout bench and he said yeah I'll give it back to you in a week and he's the dude came back in a week and he sold it he sold it like for I forget what for like some drugs or something and what I loved about it was just that in the moment of it of like yeah eventually in six days this guy is gonna come back but for these next six days I don't have to deal with that guy in that moment I want drugs so fuck you so like that's that type of shit that that's such a dirtbag move but that that thing like if he had done it to me I would be mad but the joy I would get out of retelling the story right going

fucking believe it's kind of a laughing like like the joy that I would get out of it was the bench I yeah I could only get like I could only get so mad at him but when you speaking of that like who yeah I never named names I try not to name names unlike the podcast or something like that but I guess it's there's always there's always people that you know not that I'm co-signing on whoever the hell you just said that because I don't I don't know the guy like that but I don't know really an hour and done how easy with this hour floor seamless with you bill seamless terrific listen you know I say that you

one of the best comedians around may I say that without the risk of it's turning into the Sammy more than show well Tom I learned from stealing from you I stole all my stuff from you I just I just turned it into the I made it better man I steal it back he makes it better and I still back now that it's getting tighter let me just just give me another six months with it hey you know what I learned today you cannot get a breakfast burrito on Easter Sunday and any of these Mexican taco stands speaking of Jesus they are Mexicans are down with Jesus I went to three different places to get a breakfast burrito

and when I get a breakfast burrito I don't want it made by white people who looked over some Mexican guy's shoulder I wanted I want the real fucking deal but once you once you go to two don't you think it's time to give up I thought it was a flu actually went to three is kind of sad no I went to the first one people think of you as a celebrity it's kind of sad seeing you driving around Hollywood in a Prius no burrito it's Easter man it's Easter oh man one of them just had a big picture of Jesus in the window I don't know if it's there every time old J-Star hey Tom do you play video games I do Bill oh yeah well

what do you want to do asteroids Pac-Man you old school like me I'd love to asteroids he had hyperspace I like miss Pac-Man miss Pac-Man I got addicted to that so badly that I would see it in my sleep or when I closed my eyes I'd see like that's when you know that's when you know you love video games I used to play some sort of sniper game I remember one day I played it like eight hours a day and then I walked out on the street and they had this thing like when you get somebody in the scope like the scope would just fit right over this oh yeah that cross the X and I was walking on the street I was just looking at people

across the street and I was seeing the X on their head blow them away it was awesome all right game fly dot com Dom I rare that this is the best way to rent video games slow down a second game fly dot com game fly dot com like like basketball is a game yeah and could you please zip up your fly fly now it's not if it was I wouldn't tell you don't think you're adorable the best way to rent video games over 8,000 console games there's no late fees you can cancel anytime they're introducing unlimited PC play look if you don't have a PC they'll just deliver the games to you you get a 15-day free trial Dom 8,000

games at your fingertips use up all your vacation time sit there like Howard Hughes growing your nails in your hair ordering pizzas play every game you ever wanted to play for free for 15 days and then you can call them up after 15 days be like yeah you know what I got to get home with my life or you can accept how awesome this is and you can keep going to and using it this is what I this is what I would do if I if if I had the time to get back into video games which I would love to do because I haven't played them in five years are you serious well that addicted that you got you had the oh dude I played the Grand Theft Auto

3 it just took over my life and then I I loved it so much I played it for another year after where I would just use the cheats and I would go on a rampage and I would and I didn't like when the army showed up I like those secret service cars that they would show up it kind of looked like the Caprice classics but they were like hooked up I used to try to see how long I don't know they even start your wife think of it a little obsessive a little bit a little bit a little bit of a little bit of obsessiveness wait a minute I got typed this back did you ever do Captain Brian's and Marco Island captain

Brian's and Marco Island no I didn't I got to finish this though go to game fly.com slash burr burr to activate this special offer look at me hooking you guys up you listen to this damn thing and you can support the troops you can have the post office in your own apartment and now you can have 8,000 video games at your fingertips and on top of that I give you an hour of Dom I rara and we barely scratch the surface that's right so what do you say Captain Morgan's Captain Morgan Captain Brian's in Marco Island I think I wonder if you're over there I'm there in a couple weeks dude by all means hype

everything you got we're an hour and six in you know we're gonna do Dom we're gonna leave him wanting more that old show business thing Atlantic City June 30th Trappercannon I'm not saying right now I know bullshit and I'm not just saying it cuz he's sitting here staring at me like please compliment me so needy with a needy dumb dumb dog look on his face Dom I rara always funny always funny straight on through I've never seen you in front of any fucking crowd any situation where you're not hilarious no bullshit no hacky lines goes on stage assesses the crowd and you're one of the funniest fucking ballbreakers ever

man I love you dog love you too great great great to have you on here drink you know this is the Monday morning podcast go fuck yourselves don't take any shit I hope you guys I had a good time listen to this and not down thank you so much for honoring me by coming by pleasure man it's fun to be here and I hope you enjoyed the wine that you brought that I gave you I think I'll go buy another bottle and bring it back here you did everything I drank some of it you did everything but bring the glasses I owe you man all right brother you didn't even know depends on how far out you go channel numbers change

this guy and sometimes wish your own head room for two so come on, I've got the door and I find my mind I hear it fall it seems a great loss a great loss I hear it fall

check your post, it's proof that you're not listening to the call your life's been issuing you the rhythm of a line of idle days of idle days