Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-11-17

Episode Date: May 11, 2017

Bill rambles about DC, teddy bears and the family back East.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Hey what's going on is bill Burr is time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday

Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. How the fuck are you I don't have time I don't have time for your fucking shit today I got people coming in town to see my daughter right so I got a bunch of shit I have to do you know you know when you got family the fucking family back east we're having problems we the family back east what movie we're having problems with the family back east the vaguest fucking mafioso line ever I'm not going to say you know because I don't want to shit on the fucking writers I'm like shit on people that I'm in this industry sort of there was a laziest fucking writing ever you see sort of a mob guy and they're having fam problems

with the family back east how far east you're in LA you're having problems with the family in Nevada having problems with the family back east I'm in construction oh it's not that movie alright anyways it's not the one you think it was more recent and they evidently from what I gathered from the writing was they were having problems with the family back east sorry I'm going to kill this thing here anyways you know when you got fucking relatives coming out you know what the deal is you got to fucking clean your house up you know you got to get all spiffy go out and get a haircut if you meet you shave it down right you're looking at him like huh I'm successful I'm doing well right you got to trick him to all

these fucking spots you got to try to impress people you know kind of hit me yesterday as I was scampering you know somebody don't do a lot scampering something usually a marsupial does up a tree I believe scamper around the house just trying to fucking make it look like I don't live in a world of clutter and at one point I'm just like I you know built nobody gives a shit about you nobody is coming out to see you nobody gives a fuck what you're doing it's all about your daughter and I was like I was great this is perfect she's the headliner I'm just hosting hey how's everybody doing you want a burger boom let's keep this show moving right along put the act you all came here to see my lovely daughter that's

all I got to do all you have to do is host the show host the show as long as she's cute which she can't help as long as she smiles which she can't help that's all she does is smile and laugh she's the fucking greatest kid ever I'll be fine so there you go why am I trying to do all the dishes you know it's funny all you really do whenever you have company over you have like that that one fucking closet you throw everything in or maybe one closet in every room you just take all of all of the clutter and you just throw it into the closet like for some reason there's this pressure that your house has to look like you know like a showroom at a furniture store like we don't have any knickknacks

we are living a minimalist lifestyle everything is neat and is in order everything is in its proper place harmony is what you're experiencing here we never fight there's never a look crossword yeah you can't live up to it so I just decided I got to a certain level of clean I'm like all right this is what it looks like you know what are you going to do oh god I'm still nervous anyways let's get down to the fucking tax that are brass here oh boy the city of Washington DC the district of Columbia oh they're mourning today Jesus Christ I actually went to a cigar bar with Josh Adam Myers and this is how big a hockey fan I am the Celtics were playing the Wizards yesterday game five I thought it was game six I got lost with all

the sleep deprivation from old cutie cakes downstairs right and I actually we went in the cigar bar and we were watching the game seven and in between periods we click in to the Celtics I know Bradley had a huge game I know that the Wizards went up like four to nothing and then that was it we gave him the old right there Fred and kept our foot on their neck right so that was the biggest night in Washington DC sports perhaps ever I had fun because I woke up because I was supposed to yesterday I woke up early by doodoo and I was supposed to call Regina Saskatchewan because I'm going up there for some shows I don't know where the fuck I'm going I think I'm in Winnipeg and then I'm driving all the

way up to fucking Saskatoon which is like an eight and a half hour drive and I'm doing it and everybody's like oh you're not going to fucking take us to a bunch of farms I don't give a shit I'm going to have a great time in Nick Craig we're going to go up there's got to be some sort of ice cream store or some fucking stupid tourist attraction along the way and even if there isn't who gives a shit I like driving that stuff seeing that it exists I did the drive one time from California to El Paso Texas and it's one of the great drives ever did especially I believe I don't know if it was in Arizona or in New Mexico when you just get into the badlands I always thought the badlands meant you know some you

know badass dudes live there and it's just bad as far as like you can't grow anything it's like scorched earth it's like basically the direction we're headed in if we keep fucking in I don't know if you believe fucking Al Gore I mean I tend to believe a man who invented the internet you know anyways so we're going to be doing that drive and so I had to call because they added they added another show in Regina because who the fuck ever goes to Saskatchewan you know nobody so people are excited like holy shit this guy's not my favorite but he fucking showed up let's go right I haven't bromed with the family big easy so they added a second show so now I gotta I gotta put on my top hat my tails and I gotta fucking

sell it so I'm waiting to call the radio this is such a long story so I'm thinking in my head right now I'm like wow this is the biggest day in Washington DC sports history I should call the fucking sports junkies I'm gonna do it I called in talked to lurch and everybody yet I thought the capitals were gonna win I just thought how badly they beat the penguins in in game six I just thought that they and they were shutting down their offense that the penguins were frustrated you know I knew the fucking flower there was gonna have was gonna have a good game but I just thought they just needed to break the seal they had to get that one give them a little bit of happy feet give them something to fucking think about so I called in

there then I called in Randy Bowman and Bill Crawford at WDVE and I wasn't a cunt on either one of them my team's out of it I'm not gonna try to be a killjoy you know I this is the deal I actually I don't know what happened I used to hate the fucking penguins I don't anymore it's a combination that they don't really have any like overtly cheap fucking kneebreakers anymore and I got a lot of friends that either live in Pittsburgh or you know out here that are from them fucking Bartnick I can't root against Bartnick so I will go to the cigar bar and I I'm watching it with fucking Josh Adam Myers and he's just like you know I said look dude I'm not gonna lie to you I hope you go one and one I want the Celtics to win and I'm gonna root for the capitals I'm

sitting here with you I'll fucking root for him you know secretly I'm like well if they don't win I'm happy for fucking Randy and Crawford and Bartnick and those guys what I care my fucking team's not in it so we sit there and Josh is fucking losing his shit and it was just unbelievable you know I call him the flower all the time I forget his fucking name already Mark Andre flurry what a fucking game he had they just oh my god fucking captain just snake but even when they had the guy beat even when they had him fucking beat they just couldn't get it on this they was wide open and I kicked the fucking thing and they couldn't do it they couldn't do it but I have to tell you right now game 7 NHL playoffs I will put that up against any

any sport out there the NHL playoffs you know and I actually I actually totally missed the Edmonton Ducks one because I had to go and I had to do a couple of shows and I thought I taped the game and I fucked up I didn't so I'm gonna have to go on the NHL app today and rewatch that game knowing full well that the Ducks one which I had a feeling they were gonna do I just thought they had a little more experience they'd been there and that type of shit so the fucking Josh Jesus Christ he was just like you know by the end of it he was just like you know what fuck this goes I'm just gonna stress eat a fucking large pizza and I'm gonna go home and watch cops um I don't know haven't said that I still don't have confidence you know with the Celtics in the

Wizards I have no idea like this is a weird series it kind of seems like the teams are gonna hold serve you know and hopefully that happens and we'll win a game seven I have no idea but just watching like a DC sports fan it reminds me I mean I always have empathy for all of those people because that was my life right up until basically 2004 I guess the Patriots had already won one at that point but yeah that was kind of my life as a sports fan for the longest fucking time um so my condolences to the city of Washington DC still got the wizard you're not out of it congratulations to Pittsburgh oh this is gonna kill me to say this congratulations to Anaheim whatever you are down there whatever that is orange county whatever the fuck that is down there

I don't even I don't know it's just one of the most soulless fucking places I've ever maybe you know what I'm judging the place I always drive down there you know to do the improv or whatever bought my hockey stuff down there they got the fucking Disney lands down there it's just I don't know what it is it just looks like a giant movie set it doesn't look like it's like when I went to San Jose and they had that little mall area where they had all that high-end shit they try to make it look vaguely fucking I don't know European and you're just like this is was clearly all built at the same time and there's no history here I don't know what happened because I read Steve Motton's book Born Standing Up I had the hardcover original version I loaned it to my neighbor and

I never got it back what a fucking asshole that still bugs me that I did that but he was talking about how he grew up in Orange County and riding his bicycle to Disneyland past all the orange groves and just the way he painted the picture was like wow that sounded like a beautiful place and now you go down there and it's just you know one fucking strip mall after another I mean who's kidding who I mean human beings have done a lot of you know a lot of fucking a lot unprotected sex since then and uh just kind of pushed the oranges out really Bill is that what happened I mean evidently evidently as far as I can surmise um anyway so I did two shows last night did a benefit at the Laugh Factory and I did uh and I did the All Things Comedy Network show

at the comedy store and I had also done a show Monday night where I ran the whole hour and at the risk of sounding like a fucking bald arrogant cunt the new hour is crushing them having a great time somewhere in the during those Cleveland shows it put me over the top and now I have confidence that uh people aren't going to feel like they're getting ripped off when they go to see me so um anyways I don't know I got a bunch of fucking shit on my mind because I got to go down to the fucking airport I gotta pick up something I gotta pick up the fee and we beg each oh by the way my apologies to MotoGP fans I didn't even know there was a race this past week and I went on to my my DVR whatever the hell you call it low and behold there it is you know in the way

my quaff just watches whatever the hell she wants and now deletes it I didn't feel like I had to include her not like she likes motorcycle racing or anything so um I believe they were in Spain I just sat there with my daughter and I watched all three races back to back the Moto2 the three in the fucking GP race and they were all fucking great races you know it's funny at first I didn't like Moto3 with their little skinny bicycle tires now I'm fucking into it all three of them were great races the Moto2 I think the Moto2 was the one where the guy the guy in the lead fucking just dumped the bike he fucked up coming out of a turn um and then the other guy was just up to him not to blow it and uh I don't know I loved all of it and I'm just watching the uh the MotoGP

race all of a sudden it goes up towards I got 1000 cc's Valentino Rossi having pro hey Nini what's up hi how are you I'm good how are you I'm flailing over here I got like another 16 minutes to go and I'm so stressed and I got to go to the fucking airport then I'm all I'm all over the map um Valentino Rossi that was so weird watching everybody pass him he had problems with like his tires this is why this guy's the shit he's been doing it for he's been doing it for so fucking long I even know who this guy is and he came in 10th place and he's still in first place that's pretty goddamn impressive this early into the season and uh I kind of became a fan of that Johan Zarko I like the bike all black and he just was

fucking passing everybody he ended up being in I don't know what he finished like fourth maybe he's a french guy I like the french you know I don't know but I'm totally into it I don't know any of the fucking names I know Mach Mach has right that's it I'm looking at all these other names I got them all a whole list here I could pretend like I know these guys off the top of my head I don't I have no idea who one of these guys are but I will tell you like I mean if you think racing is boring motorcycle racing is a good one to start with because uh you know if you're not into racing you want to see some crashes and uh you know motorcycle racing's this I mean literally the guy just imagine with every fucking stock car race every time there was an

accident the guy like flew out of the car I mean I'm not sitting there saying I want to see anybody get hurt but I mean it is riveting it's just fast like first of all the level of technology of the suit that they can be going like 150 miles an hour lay the bike down you know they lean too far they fucking hit their knee or some shit I don't know what happens the handlebar hits the ground they're so low and they cause the bike to slide out from underneath them and they're going like whatever 130 miles an hour just slide and and they pop right back up because the suits are made out of space age you know it's funny when I was uh when I had my brief motorcycle riding career right here in LA before I smartened up and realized that uh I'm not a motorcycle guy I am a fan but

I am I just I was riding scared and everybody's texting and something bad was going to happen man I uh I actually was going like trying to think of how to protect myself and I was thinking I was going to get either a Ducati or I was going to get that Harley uh that throwback 70s one and I was going to buy one of those Moto GP suits it was probably going to cost more than the bike I thought it would be hilarious just to be riding a Harley wearing a GP suit you look like the you're supposed to dress like you know you used to be in a biker gang there's something about being on a Harley you have to wear like jeans it's like not acceptable to have the leather on leather suit hello lovely hello handsome what's going on uh nothing I was just gonna say you know

what's even more boring than watching racing you just you just don't like it at all well listening to you talk about racing it's probably more boring wow like for hours it feels like just a swarm of killer bees that's what it sounds like this like how why you're just you're waiting to watch the crash right I was I was hearing you from the kitchen did you like that's literally what you're because it's so fucking boring like that's the level to which like the boredom you feel when you watch it like you're waiting for an accident like that's where your mind goes to the dark place because you're so bored you're like

what if just someone just like crash no no no no it's not boring god it's boring no no I was I was saying when you first sit down and watch it that's what you're hoping for because you don't understand what's going on but when you once you start on just hoping for that nobody's hoping for it when they watch it is that why people watch no I'm saying if you're not into it yeah that's why you would watch you'd be like well I'll see an accident I mean everybody likes an accident I mean everybody like when they see if somebody's changing a fucking tire will cause four lanes of you know traffic people going oh the car gonna fall in his head what's going on over there yeah the rubber necking the most interesting part of the racing though that I've watched with you is when

is it Lewis Hamilton he's the champion right he was no Nico Rosberg is the defending champion but his wife told him well now that you won the championship it's time for you to pay attention to me and he fucking retired or he was like I don't want to deal with Lewis again and he just left hmm well anyway um him was it him that iced out his teammate and they were like these two have been spoken at over six months yeah it was like a whole days of thunder thing last year you could cut the tension with a knife yeah there's all of that stuff goes on there's the pride of the country the Ferraris the Mercedes right all of that shit and then once you get into like the different tires when to pit the strategy of it and all of that it's amazing and this year

the adjustments that they've made on the cars there's way more passing I'll tell you last year was it was a little boring where it's like it was it was a race to the first turn we ever got to there first just held that position for the rest of the race because you couldn't pass him wow riveting well listen I'm gonna go all right she's crying she's crying go all right go get me I don't mean to trash your your interest I just thought it'd be funny to come in you don't find it interesting with those motorcycles going that fast like the balls that that takes the fucking balls I don't I don't find it interesting no doubt balls but not interesting all right so you'd rather watch a bunch of balloon-titted whores screaming at each other yeah Nia Renee Hill everybody

there you go that's why that's that right there that is the Fisher in our relationship that's the fault line right now you know what at some point we're gonna talk about the fact that you spend like hours watching people fight each other on world star and all these other kind of websites but then you want to come at me because I watch real housewives and people are arguing they never get to the fight every time they're about ready to fight a cameraman breaks it up if those women would beat the shit out of each other I'd watch it if you just sit there and say mean shit to one another well somebody dabs it their eyes with tissues it still bugs me to this day that that white woman spitting fucking miss new york's face and they owed it to her they owed it to her to

to give her a couple of fucking swings that's a good point oh the way she did the about face like that was the end of it after she spit in somebody's face that's true they should have let her beat her ass well there you go that's why I don't like reality tv pop off pop off all of them like she that just it drives me nuts it's like you know what reality tv is it's like fucking it's like blue balls the whole time here comes to fight here comes to fight that's starting to swing break it up break it up break it up the tension just keeps building it never happens it's like you know when there's a big fucking UFC fight coming up right imagine if they just kept running the promo and joe rogan just kept getting more and more amped up about how great the fight was

going to be and then it never happened right as they went to fight dana white comes out hey that'll be enough for that that'll be enough for that and then you had to deal with the two fighters fucking talking to the camera i just felt like for me i wanted to have a fight to decide it but you know for me all right i'm sorry let's let's read a little bit at that stead is the number one fucking expression in reality tv i know i say it all the time i just feel like for me for me i just feel like for me that for me i need to like i need to just do that but i i'm not doing it for her i'm doing it for me um all right let's uh let's do a little bit of the uh the reads here for the week all right give me the loot loot crate everybody on a quest for epic gear well all of a sudden

this just seemed really loud i think i actually moved the button there are you on the quest for epic gear housewares and collectibles loot crate has it the best surprise you know is coming loot crate offers an epic range of pop culture items for less than 20 a month if you're a if you're more of a fanatical fashionista then try loot where i'd never know what any of this shit is what's a fanatical fashionista somebody into fashion is that a litteration or is fanatical a type of fashion shut the fuck up and read a bill okay monthly wearables and accessories with cult classics and your favorite franchises if you want to get fancy it's fucking layers it's hey you want to get fucking fancy huh come on here get fancy you'll have a problem with the very biggie get a

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flare if i do say so myself look at me getting all curt low right and i've been telling you guys that they were a great band i've been telling you guys that i saw him live and have you been listening to me i don't know maybe you have maybe you have not but guess who just got one of the opening splots slots i would say slots on fucking uh john mayors uh world tour uh the night game i fucking called it i told you so here you go uh i believe andrew told me he's going to be playing the night games i think this is outfield this song is um we slide into the second half of this podcast which would be i don't know a thursday from podcast gone by i have no idea this is right here's why i got out of radio i just cannot intro a song to save my fucking life anyways what i'm

trying to say is the out um the night game outfield's coming up next and then after that's going to be some greatest hits a half hour of me running my yap when i was a little bit younger all right have a great weekend you cunts i'll talk to you later you let me wait you let me wait out in the i know you try so hard to be so hard again i can hear the way you talk under your breath i want to love i want to love i can't so i see a picture i see a picture with other boys

the only one the only one that gives me a hand sometimes you feel like i'm just talking to my friend far away he got me standing in the outfield by the way sometimes it's almost like you're not real i wish i could always get to you someday i'm getting closer but i'm still so far away you got me standing in the outfield uh podcast got me in trouble with fiancé's family uh hey there billarie burham clinton um i fucked up man she can probably guess from the subject line

cue the old jay jay as a little background i'm getting married next month to my fiancé who was wonderful love of my life and all that we were visiting her family last night and playing board games which we often do oh jesus uh oh what happened were you drinking did you get competitive huh did you accuse her mom of cheating uh he goes i'll spare you the details but we were playing a card game with a bunch of characters everyone gets the same people but when you use them is really the key to the game there was a particularly powerful card i had held on to until the very last stage of the game the character's name was granny wata pronounce gary wata i gave you the pronunciation and accent so you wouldn't fuck it up well it is

spelled w a t a granny wata now it's the last round of the game and everyone's going around revealing their card i was last and my plan had worked perfectly as i went to reveal it my inner bill burr took over and i really got excited i flipped it over oh you did it he goes oh no oh no he goes i said it's granny fucking wata dude you dropped the f bomb oh my god i wish i had podcast t-shirts i'd send one to you no you didn't he goes silence followed as it echoed through the house my fiance's family were stunned they're not super uptight people but people just don't just don't throw fucks around during a board game you know from there it only got worse my

fiance has listened to your podcast so she knows i was imitating you she tried to stammer out an explanation oh no she had to explain away your behavior oh dude he goes but it didn't really do anything i also tried to apologize sheepishly then on top of that that move gave me enough points to win the game over everyone so i had to awkwardly mark my score which made me the winner wow dude oh when you're getting married next month so the fucking taste of this is still gonna be in their mouth he goes we left almost immediately after and of course i got yelled at all the way home i knew i deserved it so i didn't even put up much of a fight that's your first good move in this story oh wow he goes my question is do i try and go out of my way to remedy the situation

or do i just hope everyone forgets about it and moves on we're getting married in six weeks so it's not like i can avoid them for very long i'm pissed because i fucking crushed the impression too thanks and go fuck yourself sorry for the hillary clinton reference in the opener i think she's a cunt too i don't think she's a cunt i just don't think she's an honest person and i don't think just because of the fact that we've never had a woman for president that that's reason enough to elect someone as dishonest and as phony as her anyways though you know what i would i would actually without your wife i would just drive over there and just say listen i got to apologize i listened to this podcast i'm a big fan of the guy

i was making a joke and in the moment i didn't realize that you guys didn't listen to the podcast if you want and just queue up a clip where you have it which might be a bad thing to do but like just have me like saying something else dr cavies easy shave butter but then you might be fucked because i don't say fuck um just say just tell him you're really embarrassed or whatever i think if you went over there by yourself i think uh especially her dad because i think that's the big one there i think there's there's something extra when it's you know it's always extra you know when when you're getting married like uh you know if you're a guy you know the the dad's going to be looking at you twice as hard and the mom's going to be always nice relax you know and

then the other way around is if you know they have a son and he brings a woman around like the mother's going to be fucking looking at her to see if she's a fucking you know an evil little whore you know the dad's going to be looking at you like is this guy going to be overbearing and slap my fucking daughter or whatever you know what i mean see a piece of shit right um oh my god dude wow you said it's granny fucking water oh god dude if you film that oh my god jesus christ dude i gotta give you i gotta my tip of the cap for you there man for doing that holy shit i'm getting uncomfortable just thinking about that well can i i'll apologize can i apologize to your fiance for being a bad fucking uh a bad um influence hey you know what play this to uh play

this to your your future in-laws dear future in-laws hello i'm bill burr i'm the one who says granny death and water i say this type of stuff i've been the bad influence don't be mad at him i'm sure he's a wonderful human being i'm sorry he messed up he messed up your little god game there um yeah he's got to make a great son-in-law you know why because he uses dr cavie's easy shake water don't play that to them that's not going to get you anything i'm just gonna say he listens to morons he must be a moron are they gonna have half a moron kid i've done so sometimes you feel like walking up to your front door hey i'm so

he got me standing in the outfield sometimes it's almost like you're not real you i'm getting closer but i'm still so far away you got me standing in the outfield me hey what's going on it's bill burr and uh this is not the monday morning podcast this is the replacement for the podcast that i fucking made yesterday that uh uh you know i can believe this i already tried to fucking do this and i just been talking for

fucking 20 minutes and i looked down and i wasn't recording so this is actually the third fucking time i'm trying to do this so i'm gonna get right to the point on what the fuck is going on in my life right now uh kind of like you know when you break your arm remember the first time you tell the story you got every fucking detail right then the next time you tell it there's a little less detail and then by the fifth time you just pissed and you want to smash your cast over the fucking person who asked you how'd you break your arm dude yeah what'd you do that for did it hurt all right this is what happened i recorded a podcast on monday all right and um i was actually really excited because somebody sent me this really cool mp3 that they had made where it was an amalgam

of uh all the podcasts i'd done in the background you know in the past i mean you know just made this really cool like 90 second thing so i was like you know that's awesome this is going to be a great new thing that i can add to the podcast right started off with my little 16 year old chick flip phone you know cell phone those awful podcasts then i bought the olympus ls10 then i got a mixer and a microphone you know and you guys are probably sitting there going how the fuck can he take this to a to an even higher level there's no way and i was about ready to go like yeah there is a way you mother fuckers i'm gonna fucking have mp3 of the week and start having people send me in these mp3s and i fucking put it into garage band i edited the whole thing in and i turned

it into a fucking mp3 and for some reason gcast is not taking it i don't know what's going on but uh you know i'm sure it's me it's always ends up being me so i'm gonna figure out how to do that and uh in the meantime i will tell you a quick story this is only going to be like a 20 minute podcast um of what i'm dealing with in my life right now i uh i got a dog i'm just pausing right now waiting for all the animal lovers out there to stop going oh my god that's so awesome that's gonna be so good for him that's gonna be so good for him um yeah it has been good um except for you know a number of things uh one i didn't pick out the dog i was on the road this was a typical female thing you know her heart was in a good place she's like you know he wants to get a dog

he just doesn't know how to do it because he wasn't hugged or loved as a child so i know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna go i'm gonna go get a little fuzzy wuzzy dog and i'm just gonna have it here and i'm gonna surprise or whatever the fuck she was thinking right so basically i'm on the road and it's typical how women do shit like this okay i don't know what they call it like you know uh finagling manipulation whatever the it's whatever the euphemism is it's they lie to you you know and they tell you in bits and pieces what the fuck is really going on this is this is how she did it she left a message and she said hey honey it's me um i did something and it involves both of us um but don't worry i think you're gonna like it actually you're

gonna love it you're gonna love it just call me i'll tell you what it is okay bye click right call her up and she says listen a friend of a friend of mine has a dog and she needs us to watch it for a week and i was like perfect that is awesome i'm a commitment phobe one week you know that works perfectly for me so uh i go yeah fuck it let's get it right and she goes great awesome great only be here for a week you know i'm like cool next phone call yeah so anyways i got the dog she's so cute buh buh buh buh buh yeah and we keep it for a week and at the end of the week if we want to keep it we can have it and if not they take it to a shelter and it gets put down and i'm like what what wait wait what you just got us a dog right she got a rescue dog the exact

thing i've been making fun of in my act that the joke i did on conan that got me all that mail from all the dog lovers and uh not only that it's a pit bull isn't that great huh i'm just waiting for everybody like dude what are you out of your fucking mind you already fucking my fucking those fucking dogs do i'm telling the fucking loyal dude but i'm telling you one day you look the other way they they they just fucking snap dude one time i heard about this guy there was this guy right dude there was this guy and and he had a pit bull right there was this guy and he had a pit bull shut up so anyways we got this fucking pit bull and evidently they found it down by the la river and uh it's a fucking awesome dog i can't even i can't even lie to you it's a

fucking great dog it's a scary looking dog i'm not gonna lie to you it looks like it wasn't by the la river it was more by the fucking river hades it's definitely looks like a hellhound but it is a fucking sweetheart and uh you know by the second day i love the thing i'm like fuck this we're keeping it i loved it i walk it down the street people cross the street it's great it's fucking great it's like having a gun that that you can pet it's a fucking awesome dog and uh you know if other dogs have charged it it hasn't freaked out yet you know it's gonna freak out it's a fucking time bomb i'm out of my mind i should give this dog back i'm out of my fucking mind this you just know there's a lawsuit at the end of that's the

only way it ends with a pitbull it ends with a lawsuit in a missing limb and a second cousin that never talks to you again and the only time you see him is when he drives down the street in his fucking custom el camino that he bought with the 50 grand you gave him and he gives you the finger he takes his one arm off the steering wheel gives you the fucking finger and continues on down the street in his lime green fucking el dorado um anyways so this dog is the shit i love having an around i fucking love this dog she's awesome and i want to keep it but this is the problem um when we leave it fucks up the apartment or it has twice it scratched the door and it's scratched something else in the back and it's like dude i don't own this place okay i have a

deposit do you understand that and one day the landlord's gonna come over to me and be like what the fuck is that and then i'm gonna point at you and you don't have a wallet and not only do you not have a wallet you don't have you don't have any money you don't have any money all right you dumb fuck which means it's coming out of my deposit and that's what i've dealt with on the last week is literally watching my deposit slowly disappearing you know you haven't been up like two grand playing blackjack you know and you're just sitting there like it's never gonna end you know and your buddy's like dude dude do walk away dude i'm telling you kid you have two grand kid walk away dude it's free money it's free money right and you keep fucking sitting there

and the whore is coming over there with the whiskey and you keep drinking right then some vacuum cleaner salesman sits down and starts hitting on 17 and you start doing that dumb shit going dude that was my car this guy's taking all my cards you know like if that fuck wasn't there you would continue to win you wouldn't all right do the fucking math how do you think they keep the lights on all day long with the air conditioning on and the fucking doors open in the middle of a desert and they still can afford to do it because dumb fucks like you sit there and the longer you sit there it's simple fucking math dude i got a system um so anyways so i was like listen i'll keep the dog but we got to put this thing in a fucking cage when we go to

leave okay so i go over to petco okay and um i didn't want to go there there's a local pet store you know me i want to go to the mom and pop store but my girl's just like oh it's right around the corner of where i work you know they got all this stuff you know they start doing that shit and you just feel all the fucking you literally feel the fucking energy draining out of your legs you just like all right we'll go where you want to go right and then they do this shit what i just said if you don't want to go there we'll go no forget it we'll go there i don't know why you have to get mad i'm well if you just fucking why do you ask me where i want to go if you already know where we want to go and you were going to go there anyways

why do you put me through that fucking test it's like fucking verbal waterboarding it's brutal so anyways so we go to fucking petco and it's a typical corporation it's 90 000 square feet and they got two people on the floor all right and there's literally like people are gathered around the one person with the fucking apron that's the same color as the sign outside so you like obviously they work here because they have a fucking apron that matches it's the same color blue as the fucking sign and there's literally people gathered around this person like they're famous like they're waiting for an autograph when the reality is is they're trying to find a fucking flea collar in this fucking goddamn mega church that they have for fucking dogs right jesus christ i must

fucking spun out of control with all the references there anyways let me plow ahead here was that even remotely funny anyways let's go so anyways get to the point bill so i'm fucking they say guys like all right go listen i need i gotta i gotta i gotta fucking pitbull evidently it's a pitbull mix but i think it's mixed with another pitbull because it fucking looks like a pitbull to me the guys like all right sir don't worry i'm gonna i'm gonna be over there just about 10 minutes don't worry about it so i say fine and i stand over there for about seven minutes and i'm like you know what this dude's not fucking showing up he's not fucking showing up so i just grabbed the biggest fucking cage i can find because i want it to be nice and roomy you know be a responsible

pet owner i don't want to be cruel i don't want to act like a fucking puppy mill you know fucking things huge you could fit a fucking jacuzzi in the corner all right it's a big cage so i bring the thing home and lo and behold a buddy of mine calls me up says tells me he's got a gig back east for the whole summer directing a bunch of actors and some bullshit so he's he's having a gig he wants me to come by and say goodbye so i say absolutely my girl's not around so i go i fucking stick the dog in the cage all right and i feel awful the dog's standing there shaking like a leaf i literally get the thing to go in the cage it's facing the back of the cage and it's not moving it's just standing there shaking like it you know like it knows a fucking earthquake is coming or

something okay so i'm sitting there trying to convey to the dog like dude i know you're scared right now you know i know you were abandoned but i'm not going to abandon you do you understand you're just fucking up my apartment and i can't have that so how do you say that and how do how would the dog whisper convey that you know i don't know how to do it all right dude i'm coming back notice i'm leaving and i'm not bringing you with me in the cage i could see if i was doing that i could see then you for fucking dude just stop shaking right you know that if you feel awful stop please please stop shaking so i leave i go to the party the party for two fucking hours all i can think about is the goddamn dog being scared in the cage and it's killing me it's ripping my heart

out so i'm finally like dude i gotta get out of here i got this dog i can't i can't fucking leave it alone it's killing me so i fucking drive back and i'm taking all this dogs and be so psyched to see me you know that's the best thing when you come home when you have a dog the dog's fucking psyched to see it right so i come home and i open the door and who's fucking sitting on the other side of the door is the goddamn dog just sitting there wagging its tail dumping it on the floor you know completely you know normal look on its face like hey bell what's going on you want an egg you know let's think about making a late breakfast what'd you get into tonight hi and you get some pussy what's going on with you you know i'm just fucking regular and i'm looking at

the dog like did i dream that i did i not put you in a fucking cage the fuck is you know what the fuck is going on here right so i walk out to the kitchen and i don't know how to describe this without pictures the only thing i can describe it is it looked like the cage got raped and then thrown in front of a locomotive the fucking thing was like it was lopsided it was there was a big chunk taken out of the side and then there was these all this blood on the floor and i'm i was beside myself i was i couldn't believe it and i i want to say that the cage door was still closed she just she just fucked this thing up and now i'm sitting there freaking out going oh my god she hurt herself there's blood all over the goddamn floor the amount of blood on the floor

i would have thought that she'd be laying there unconscious and she's just sitting there looking at me wagging his fucking tail on the goddamn linoleum now so i you know i'm looking in its mouth and there's nothing in there there's a little bit it's like one of the fucking x-men what's that x-men you know you cut it and just automatically heals that's what it looks like it's just completely fine so i didn't i don't know i was like i was like half you know it's definitely bummed because i was out a couple hundred bucks especially with all the fucking fuzzy let's make this cage a home shit that i bought to put in it but uh part of me respected it i was like goddamn this is a fucking dog you know and uh i was like all right evidently i bought the wrong fucking cage so

jesus christ i don't even know anymore i fucking two days later right i haven't left the house we haven't left the house and left her alone we keep bringing her in the in the goddamn car and that's another thing bringing the car she fucking stands there she's shaking like oh fuck what did i do this time man i'm getting abandoned again what the fuck man you know well i do we're not abandoning you will you just fucking relax and stick your face out the fucking window like a regular dog jesus christ you know you're making me nervous you know so finally we're like look we need to have a life okay you know i have to go out and do stand up you have to be able to go work i have to have you know we got to get another cage so i finally go to petco again and i find one of

those douchebags with the blue apron or whatever and i go listen dude i actually brought the dog i'm like this is what i have this is what i bought and this is what the fuck it did to it do you have anything to help me and the guy's like oh yeah no problem no problem i uh it was what we do well uh we got one of those wire cages and we'll get it a muzzle because that was a big thing with me i was like i don't want the dog to get hurt trying to get out of the cage i want a cage that i can't break out of and i want to leave the dog in a situation where it can't get hurt so it gives me that it gives me this muzzle to put on the dog where it can still drink relax you fucking animal loving jackasses it can still drink okay it could vomit if it had to so it's not gonna die like

john bonham you know a lot of people don't know that not only did he have 32 shots of vodka he they actually found him slumped over in a doggie cage all right um face down in a fucking water dish all right i can't believe i just said that about one of the guys i love the most anyways um so we get all the shit i get the fucking cage all right and this time we're doing like dog whisper a shit so literally an hour last night we worked with this dog we walked the dog by the cage we walked it back past the cage you know and it's freaking out looking at the cage and the cage has two doors so i got my girls got both doors open so she's got half her body in the cage going come here cleo come here cleo good girl and she would sort of come close to the cage and put her head down

and wouldn't go in it and then we'd walk away and we just over and over and over and then one half hour into it nothing but positive reinforcement all of a sudden it was like magic it's like a fucking after school special she just crawled walked you know like a little fucking marine trying to go underneath barb wire went into the cage and we were like that's a good girl we were petting it and you know my girl rubbed its head till it fell asleep a little bit and then when it got up and it wanted to get out of the cage we let it get out of the cage just so it had that vibe you know like this is your home this is you're not being punished so then we do that exercise a number of times another five six seven fucking times kept walking it into the cage praising it telling it

was a good girl scratching it and then when it wanted to get out of the cage we let it out of the cage right down the fucking dog whispering numbers on how to do this shit so the end of the night comes we slide this big motherfucking cage okay at the foot of the bed she likes to sleep on the foot of the bed we take the two pillows that she likes to sleep on we put them in the cage we put her in there and we close the cage and she's sitting there and we put out the lights and then she just she whined sort of panted and whined for like two hours just going just like that I couldn't believe it didn't pass out that's how quickly it was breathing literally is that annoying to listen to if you're in a plane right now that's what the

fuck the thing did for two hours to the point I was like Jesus christ nia let's just let the thing out of the fucking cage and she's like no if we do that then it's gonna learn that that's all it has to do is that annoying sound which I won't do again to fucking make you guys fucking teeth hurt you know so anyways she finally ends up going to sleep we go to sleep the next morning she wakes up we let her out of the cage she's all excited and I've been doing what I've been doing with this dog I fucking run it up a goddamn mountain and I've run it right back down you know the fucking thing is all muscle it's the shit right this fucking dog is awesome um so anyways no roids either this is all natural so anyways so today I get up and uh my beautiful girl's

got to go to work and I had a meeting you know trying to come up with a show idea trying to get a show on the air trying to come up with a better idea so I won't get squashed like a bug like my last fucking idea did right at the last second when I thought I was home free you know gliding along free as a bird then smash right into fucking windshield that's what I have my last idea but we that's a whole nother podcast we won't get into that shit so anyways we uh bring the dog into the cage she's definitely you know we put the muzzle on it so it won't hurt itself if it tries to get out which we know it's gonna try to I put its water in there we close the door we tell it so just tell her she's a good girl and uh we sort of you know I went out did you know

had my breakfast out in the kitchen and I kind of peeked in the bedroom and it was laying down the muzzle on the thing was totally cool and I thought I thought everything's great this is awesome we have our lives back you know I like to I got to be able to do stand up and I like to play drums and that type of shit I like doing that shit during the day when I fucking can't stare at the walls anymore so uh off we go into the uh wild blue yonder I dropped my girl off at work I go and I you know hanging out with this other comic we're trying to come up with the tv show idea and I actually brought my shit along with me because I'm feeling free I can go play drums the dog is cool and I was actually thinking halfway through right just like when I was at the party

I was like ah man I gotta get home man I feel bad the dog's in the cage I fucking love that dog fucking love that dog I gotta let the dog out of the cage I'll hang out you know I'll play some guitar instead right then I'll watch the Bruins hopefully beat the fucking hurricanes tonight in game six right that's that was my game plan and so I come home like this dog's gonna be so fucking psyched when I you know when I show up let it out of the cage it's gonna be flipping out jumping all around it's awesome it's awesome when you come home you got a dog right so I come home I open the back door and then we have this other door that's got this big glass window and I go to put the key in and I look down and who the fuck is sitting there right on the other side

of the door just sitting there wagging its tail the fucking goddamn Cleo and I'm looking at the dog going are you fucking shitting me and I look at its face it's got a little bit of dried blood on its muzzle and right by its eye and it's happy as shit it doesn't give a fuck it's just wagging its tail hey bell how was your meeting you know did you come up with any ideas you know don't give up man I'm telling you you're gonna get a tv show idea you want to go for a jog right and I'm sitting there looking at this fucking thing like dude you got to be shitting me you got to be fucking kidding me and I walk into the bedroom and here is this fucking cage that this douchebag down at petco said I would be fine oh by the way the the fucking thing still has the

muzzle but it's off it got it off and it's hanging down around its fucking neck like a bandana like some douchebag in prince's band way back in the day remember that guy who played the fucking guitar keyboard the guy in the revolution prince in the revolution right that's the way the muzzle is all he needed to be was like some sort of fucking neon leopard print and that thing was good to go right so I come walking in and I can't even describe to you how fucked up this cage was and there is blood all over the fucking floor and once again I'm checking her mouth I'm checking her paws there are areas where there's sort of dried blood on her fur but she's not bleeding this this dog is is not from this planet and this but this cage is and you know I took a

fucking picture of it I should put it up on my on my myspace page this I don't know what it did I don't if it just fucking started jumping up and down and slamming into the sides of it but this I'm looking at it right now I can't there's like metal it's just twisted around it's it's wreckage that's what the fuck I have it looks like the rest of the cage is fine it looks like this the front of the cage had a front end fucking collision with another car so I don't know what I'm going to do people I have I have a situation because you know I'm all for rescuing a dog but I didn't sign up for this shit and I have blown over $300 in cages and I've used both of them once and this dog fucks them up and you know I'm telling you can't talk to animal lovers because

they're fucking crazy because they will tell you anything just to get you to keep the fucking dog you know oh it's just because it's scared it's scared that it's going to be abandoned you have to build up the trust and it's like you know that's not my fucking problem I want to keep this dog but what the what the fuck am I supposed to do okay so there's my this isn't a podcast this is just me telling you why well I guess this has no reason to do why there was no podcast there's no podcast because I couldn't figure out how to go from garage band to g-cast to make it work so if you can help me with that and if somebody out there has rescued a fucking pit bull and has gone through this shit and they somehow figured out how to get the dog to to be cool in a cage

because not only is it cost me a lot of money this dog is injuring itself and it's fucking killing me so if you can help me out I would appreciate it and that is it that is this is a very special Monday morning podcast done on a Tuesday I actually have a cause okay oh by the way if you got any new mp3s or any type of shit that you want to send me uh you know go ahead and send them I don't you know what don't send them to me yet just wait till I get my first one up there that I understand how to fucking know if you know how to do it please let me know that is it I hope all you guys have a good week and hope I have some good news for you next week all right did I say dude all right yeah see you to me beside myself all right

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