Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-11-23

Episode Date: May 11, 2023

Bill rambles with comic legend Steven Wright about the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, making people laugh as a kid, and his new book 'HAROLD', available May 16th everywhere books are sold. From the outside, Harold is an average seven-year-old third grader growing up in the 1960s. Bored by school. Crushing on a girl. Likes movies and baseball—especially the hometown Boston Red Sox. Enjoys spending time with his grandfather. But inside Harold’s mind, things are a lot more complex and unusual. His thoughts come to him as birds flying through a small rectangle in the middle of his brain. He visits an outdoor cafe on the moon and is invited aboard a spaceship by famed astronomer Carl Sagan. He envisions his own funeral procession and wonders if the driver of the hearse has even been born yet.Harold documents the meandering, surreal, often hilarious, and always thought-provoking stream-of-consciousness ruminations of the title character during a single day in class. Saturated with the witticisms and profundities for which Wright’s groundbreaking stand-up has long been venerated, this novel will change the way you perceive your daily existence. To quote one of its many memorable lines: “Everything doesn’t have to make sense. Just look at the world and your life.”   SimpliSafe: Go today and claim a free indoor security camera plus 20% off your order with Interactive Monitoring at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR Stamps.com: Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage, and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts.  Just go to www.Stamps.com, click the microphone at the top of the page, and enter code BURR.

Rolling. Rolling. Alright. Hey, what's going on, everybody? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. And as you can see, it's video, which means I have a definitely a special guest. This is the only time I do these is if the guest is special. I don't mean mentally challenged the way that used to mean right back in the day that meant special. I don't mean special like that. I mean a special mind who wrote an incredible new book that is going to be out on May 16th called Harold. I actually read the whole thing. I feel like I should have a sticker on my forehead. The legendary Stephen Wright, everybody. Thank you. How

are you? Let me get you in towards the microphone. Yeah, there we go. I'm good. How are you? I'm good. That amplifies the sound really and gets you out to the never heard of such a thing. Thanks for having me. I appreciate you coming out to the podcast and I have to tell you this might come as a shocker. I'm not a big reader. You know, I'm not I'm a big watcher or somebody tells me something happens and I just go like, All right, that's easier than fact checking. I'll just agree with you. I sat down. I brought this. I was flying to Ottawa. And I started reading it waiting for my plane and I did not put it down until I landed and I loved it so much. Really? I actually started slowing down because

I didn't want it to end like I don't know if you ever finished like a video game and you visit that depression that you can't go out and kill anymore zombies. I got that feeling in a literary way. This book is called Harold. It's about a kid in the 1960s in third grade and the whole book takes place one day of his year as a third grader and I can't I can't even tell you. I can't wait. First of all, the fact that you couldn't stop reading it is like that's an incredible compliment. You know, I mean, people it's just only a few people were involved who worked, you know, the editor and stuff ready. You're like the first person. I couldn't put it back. Can I read anything that's in here? Sure. It opened

right up to this because I actually have read this so many times. He remembered his grandfather telling him that there is no time and time is moving slow and fast all at once. The kid is he has a real close relationship with his grandfather. So he sort of daydream a lot slash ADD during his entire day at school. Time is moving slow and fast all at once. He continued and the grandfather says a snail is taking tiny, tiny steps on the armrest of a seat, a seat that's on a 747 cruise speed 580 miles an hour or the Concord cruise speed 1,356 miles per hour. That's your life. You're a snail on a jet. He said some people don't respect the little time they have and wasted a lot of it throwing their time into a wood

shipper. They also destroy other people's time by being upset over meaningful fucking bullshit. Harold's mother did this all the time and it's just like I had to set the book down when I read that really because I was like, first of all, the idea of the two types of time like how long it's taking the snail to go across the armrest. While that thing, you know, which I think is a metaphor for being on earth flying through space. And then what killed me there was people wasting other people's time bitching about meaningful, meaningless bullshit. I'm just like, Oh my God, that's me. How much of my wife's time I wasted going like this fucking goddamn guy said he was going to be there at six and he gets there

at fucking 630 like nothing's wrong. You know, just an idiot. So like I really like and and the people that have wasted my time. But I kind of saw I was like, wow, I'm sort of both sides of the coin there. But like I really felt like this is the first book I've read since you know, the one that everybody had to regrown up catcher in the rye. This is like catcher in the rye on mushrooms is the only way for me to describe it. But I actually liked this character where I didn't like the character. Oh yeah, catcher right because he was kind of a hipster douche. Like when he like when he went when he went to go see that he went he snuck out he goes down to the village. And he goes to see that piano

player right. And he says he goes look and the guy was really he was great at piano and he goes but he knew he was great. Oh, so that ruined it. And it's just like, no, he was great at it. He was confident. And you knew he was going to get a bunch of pussy after it. And you weren't. So that bothered you. And rather you trying to tap into your own Bert Reynolds, you're going to resent this guy. And it also tapped into like your own. Yeah. And I feel like the beginning of like that sort of hipsters, nerds taking over where they tore down the idea of what a guy's guy was, you know, which needed to be lampooned after all of the action movies and shit in the 80s. It did need to be lampooned.

But they did it to such a fucking level that they acted like that guy didn't even exist. And it's like, no, that guy did exist. There was like everybody went to high school with some kid that was crushing it in sports or something. It was literally all was getting celebrity level pussy. Yeah, they're the famous people in the school. Yeah. And they were that they didn't have to like, you know, go on stage and do a dance or whatever. They just were that guy. And we all like when I was a kid, you didn't make fun of that guy. You looked up to that guy going, fuck, I wish I was that guy. I wish I had that guy's gift to gab and everything. And that that was the thing that, you know, and I also think that

the movie stars that I grew up with, the Charles Bronson's, the Clint's, the McQueen's and all of those guys were Lee Marvin. I mean, I loved Lee. Yeah. I mean, that guy actually, you know, fought in Korea, I believe everyone, but like three people in his platoon died. So when this guy was in a movie with a gun going, I'm going to fucking kill you like he had actually done that shit. So like that was my idea, the guy's guy. And I feel like they they they started making fun of like the action heroes of the 80s and they went all the way back to like Lee Marvin's like, these guys are like fucking war heroes. So anyway, what I like about this kid is I like that he had, you know, he's a crush on the girl,

Elizabeth, I believe his name is and he's afraid to talk to her and he and it's in so much of it is like ADD and you have like your worldview in it. Like this book like is like when you talk about the time how it's it's going fast and slow, it's going forwards backwards and sideways. This book like is doing the same thing. Wow. I feel like it's like he's in the class, but he's mentally he goes on these ADD trips, he comes back. And then there's all of this, you know, that that beginning of a comedian, we have all this funny shit that you want to say, but you don't have the balls to say it to the teacher. Yep. And the pretty girls can't see you. Yeah. And because you are whatever your beautiful peacock tail

is all in here where like the kid out on the field, you know, toss in the football is is just there's a no brainer that that's the guy that they should go bang instead of you or whatever. There's just so much of that in here. And I was wondering like, you know, how long did I read the forward and everything? It seems like you started to write this a long time ago and it gradually came together. Yeah, I took about seven years. Dude, I gotta be honest. I just I'm not sure. I think that's funny too. But I don't know because you are this book, dude, you you and I are in the same. We're living on the planet at the same time. All right, I'm going I'm on the 747 and you're this snail, you're just like, you know, it

took seven years. And like how like, and like how I feel like I was joking, like I feel like I'm in the matrix. And I'm just I just react to everything where you're outside the matrix looking at it with like, I said to my wife, like three times while I was reading this book on like, this guy is operating on such a higher mental plane than I could ever even hope to get to. And like, I love how you live your life. Because I I like how what you do is one of the greatest stand up comedians of all time. And you have earned that, dude, you have earned that. And but what you do is so public, but you are so private and quiet. And I found that the longer I've been in this business, and in the bigger things get the

balance is is then I just keep having like this this reoccurring fantasy of the middle of nowhere. And I'm just not even I'm not even on my front porch, because I don't even want to see somebody drive by. I am on my fucking back porch. And I am just sitting there. It's funny, I'm enjoying myself, and I'm slowly killing myself. Like, my wife isn't there, my kids aren't there. I'm smoking, I'm drinking, taking drugs. And I'm and but I'm also simultaneously enjoying nature. And I'm just sort of shutting the whole thing down. And like, I love like like, you know, everybody back east, it's either you go to Nantucket, or you go to Martha's Vineyard. No one goes to Block Island, right? And you're like, Oh, what's up with this block?

I want to go where nobody's going. So I wanted I was wondering, like, how did that? Is that something that like, because I mean, you had like this meteoric rise, those legendary Tonight Show appearances. Just to get people to quick backstory that this was been a hash of a zillion times, the Tonight Show people came out to the dingo, the first like real like official beginning of the Boston Comedy scene that all you guys started. And they went down there to see, you know, Gav Sweeney, Lenny and all of those guys. And then you went up, and they you ended up being the guy they picked. And you get plucked out of this Chinese restaurant to go on the Tonight Show that got like a 30 share, like had 30 million people watching

it, you go out, you absolutely destroy. He ends up talking to you on panel, you handle all of that. You blow up, you make the short film, you win a friggin Oscar. And then it's just like you just went into like the ether and then then you'd come back and you'd be like reservoir dogs, you're doing the DJ voice. And then you just like your ability to like disappear and then come back and it never dips. You like your ticket sales don't go down. It's just people have accepted that this guy is going to be like he's going to he's going to drop a bomb every seven years on us. And it's going to blow our minds. Yeah, that's amazing. You like the shot day of stand up. She comes out with an album like

every eight years. And it's still never been in a sentence. Thank you. No, the Beastie boys are like that. I feel like Chris Rock is good about, Hey, I'm out there. I'm out there and out there. Now you don't see me. And right was just right as you think. What what the fuck is Chris Rock doing? Bam. He made a movie. Like there's been no plan though. And none of this was planned. Like, I mean, you know, going on the tonight show and everything happening and everything. But then I would just write and do the specials and everything. But I didn't I never look at it like, Okay, I'll do this here. Then I'll do this here. Right. You know, it was all just like, Okay, it was all very fun. I never

felt like, like a big fresher in like a meeting after you destroyed and they all the Hollywood guys go, What are you doing this? And you're going to say, Come on, you're kind of like, All right. Like you exist on like your own time is as I think that's what I'm trying to say. What I I really find the most, you know, aside from just being such a huge fan of your work is I really envy like there's a strength to that. Where you just feel like, you know, you know, I finally took like three months off and I loved it. And but I was there was that thing kind of non at me going like, after 90 days, are they going to forget about me is 31 years of slamming my head against the rocks down the drain? You'd like. But

then what I do is I always think of guys, you know, like you and everybody that I just mentioned that that do take the time off. And they come back and there's like a, I mean, I mean, dude, you just this deep well. So the quality just keeps coming. And so I don't know, I think that when you're saying go in and out, I think you have to take care of yourself. You know, you're giving so much from your mind out to the audience. The audience is very at least for me is a very intense thing. I might look looks like I'm walking around just but it's intense. It's not a normal place to the stage. It's very, very intense in that intensity. It drain is draining to you, especially if you're a complete and total

introvert who shouldn't even be. I shouldn't even I'm really good at something I shouldn't even be doing against my introvert person. Oh, 100%. But I was talking to Michael O'Brien. He was telling me how like a loner guy you are. And like, I'm a major loner. And I just think that you're gushing out of your all this stuff, your imagination out to the audience. It's so extreme. And then you got to like replenish by being away from it. What do you think that like I actually had the thought today about being a loner? And I was thinking I was like, is that a way that you're wired before you even come out? Or if you have experienced enough trauma as a kid? Because I feel a lot of my loner stuff became like,

hey, you know what the advantage of being all by yourself? No one can hurt me. No one can fuck with me. The bullshit ends. And I can actually let all put all defense things down. And I can just sit here. And and you know, what's funny is I would do a lot of this Harold shit, where I would like I lived most of my life in fantasy. Wow, really? Yes. And the lot of the fantasies became real, where I fantasized about doing stand up. I fantasized about, you know, acting and you know, making the camera crew laugh and stuff. And I remember when I was doing, I did this sketch show, and we were doing one of these remote shoots. And I was just riffing and blah, blah, blah. And the whole time I was

thinking like, All right, you know, there's that knowing like, Oh, my God, just don't get fired off of this gig. And when we were done shooting and everybody came up to me, I remember walking away thinking like, Oh, fuck, that was that thing that I used to fantasize. I wish I could do that. That just happened. But the fantasies don't just stop there. I have like, defeated ISIS. I have solved world peace. I've been the front man to every major rock band in my head. I know how to rap. I mean, it just it I'm an astronaut. I'm a Navy SEAL like it never fucking ends. But that all relates to I think self loathing on some level of like, like, you know, you just, you know, I mean, you just don't think you're

good enough. You don't think like it's like maybe if I was, if I defeated terrorism. Yeah, Jesus was my was my best friend. Yeah. I would that fucking, I mean, he did get a hooker so I think I could hang out with him. But if he if he was just 100% a good guy, I would just be like the entire time you just be reminded what a piece of shit you are. And I'd be like, Listen, Jesus, it's not you. It's me. I can't I can't be I can't be around you. Unbelievable. Well, I think a lot. I think I don't know. Are you born as a loner or do you become a loner? I think it's maybe a combination. I think even being a loner, I think is the opposite of when you're on the stage and it's so intense that you're giving out. But when

you're growing up, you're bombarded by what all this, what is this, the school, your parents, all this, you bombarded so much that I think as a safety, you, at least how I see you driven deep into your own mind, is that's your area, my area, my privacy, you know, growing up is my inside of my head, because the world be pushed me there, you know, and then you're in deep. I don't know why this is just how did you like how did you relate when you were a kid? How did you relate to the world? We you don't seem to me like, Hey, I'll collect baseball cards like everybody else and get like a Mickey man. I know you're a big baseball fan, but like you seem like we always a little left or a little right of what I was very

Norman Rockwell ish growing up in Burlington, Mass Little League. I had some baseball cards. Everything was was was really normal where I was what I was doing. Speaking of those kids who were famous in the school of athletes who were the stars, you know, they were my school in Burlington. There was a long car and then there was another one gone perpendicular. So it was a T was a T and in between classes when the bell would go off, those big famous guys would stand right at the end like they're so cool, you know, and you had to go by there maybe if your class was down here or down here and I slowly develop. I was so nervous to walk by them that I eventually started saying weird shit saying funny stuff to them

to make them laugh. And I didn't know it till thinking back on it, but I was diffusing the tension by making these giant people laugh, you know, and I think that was a beginning of of comedy in a way as a as a defense. But when you like, I just think you're in your you're deep in your head. I didn't you're probably asking me when did I see that it wasn't actually completely normal? Like what was this or that you your I don't know what it is. It's like at some point, like I think I was always secretly kind of like that because I gravitated towards any sort of rebellion, any sort of class clown. Like if I had a job, I didn't want to work in the carpeted cubicle area where everybody just seemed like they

were like the goodie goodies. I wanted to work out in the warehouse where people were having like fun and and it's there was a freedom to it. And there was also a I don't I don't know what to how to put it like you weren't trying to get a fucking cubicle like he didn't give a shit like it's like I'm doing this job because I need beer money. And I want I want to get like tickets to the patch or something like that and everybody out there either played in a band or was a lot of creative people out there or were like drug addicts and shit. And I just would I don't know I always wanted to hang out with them more so than some guy with the shirt and tie, you know, talking about the whatever the fuck

those people talked about. All right, what's up, everybody? It's time for simply safe and immediately you should be like, Bill, what's with the creepy fucking voice? Well, I finally got my son to go to bed. So I don't want to wake him up. All right, that's the deal. This obviously didn't happen during the Stephen Wright interview. My son goes to bed in all my hours. All right, simply safe, everybody. You know, spring is in bloom. What the fuck is with this echo? Spring is in bloom. And you know what comes out next vacation season. But before you pack your bags, be sure to secure your home with simply safe security. With simply safe, enjoy peace of mind knowing your home is monitored around the clock by

trained agents. You like this soothing tone I'm doing? Ready to act to defend against breakings, fires and other threats. Fast protect technology for fast response. Monitoring agents to visually verify the threat is real and conveys eyewitness evidence to 911 dispatch for fast police or fire rescue in control from anywhere, anytime. Hey, with this stuff, with this system, with this top rated simply safe app, stay connected from anywhere, anytime arm or disarm your system remotely, check your cameras to make sure everything is okay. Even unlock the front door to let in a guest. It's like some Star Trek shit. Easy to set up or choose. When would he ever unlock the front door to the spaceship bill? All right,

wrong show. You're right. Easy to set up or choose professional installation. Simply not to be confused with the back door of the spaceship. Simply safe, ships to your door and is easy for you to set up yourself in about 30 minutes or you know, minus the meltdown or have simply safe certified technicians install it to you, install it for you. I go with that personally. No reason to wait with financing though. Through a firm, sorry, secure your home today and pay overtime and installments to fit your budget. Customize the perfect system for your home in just a few minutes. It's simply safe.com slash burr. That's S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E dot com. Go today and claim your free indoor security camera plus 20% off your order with

interacting interactive monitoring. That's simply safe. S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E dot com slash burr. There's no safe like simply safe. All right. Next up is stamps.com. You know, when every person moment and penny counts in your business, you can't afford to take any of them for granted. Stamps.com gets it because for the last 25 years, they've been helping businesses like yours save time and money. So, you can focus on your business knowing stamps.com has all the postage needs covered with premium discounts and great rates. A post office in your office with stamps.com. All you need is a computer or a printer. They even send you a free scale so you'll have everything you need to get started. If you

need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it through your stamps.com dashboard. And if you sell products online, stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart. Premium discounts. All right. Running a business isn't cheap, especially when it comes to fulfilling orders for customers. Luckily, stamps.com has a huge carrier discounts up to 84% off all USPS and UPS rates. Plus stamps.com automatically tells you your cheapest and fastest shipping options. Your postage partner for the last 25 years. For 25 years, stamps.com has been indispensable for over 1 million businesses. Get to the United States Post Office or the United Parcel Service. Oh, get access to it. The services you need

right from your computer, anytime, day or night, no biggie, no lines, no traffic, no waiting. What are you waiting for? This stuff's great. Set your business up for success when you get started with stamps.com today. Sign up with the promo code BRBURR for a special order that includes a four-week trial plus a free postage and a free digital scale. No long-term contracts or commitments. Just go to stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and select BRBURR. So the people you wanted to be with are outside of what was supposedly you're supposed to be doing. Yeah, the first time I hung out with a group of people, I was just like, yeah, this is the group of people. I still remember

I was on my second gig ever. I was at Stitches and I was at the open mic. It was the first time I felt like I was around the same kind of weird. These guys are the same kind of fucked up that I am and I didn't have to, because I always had to like, you know, because I hung out with musicians while I was playing drums and I was trying to be that. I just always would look to them to see what they were doing, to try to like, and how I fit in was I would make them laugh, both playing and joking. That wasn't that good a drummer. But comedy was the only thing I ever did where I didn't feel like I had to look at, okay, the people that are doing, like, what are they doing? I mean, I definitely learned from

watching people, but it was the first thing I think I ever did that I felt like I could just sort of like start walking. I didn't have to look like, how do you stand up doing this? And then what do I do, you know, if you found you're like niche, yeah, a thing. Yeah, there's two things when you went to Emerson, I went to Emerson, people who wanted to go to Emerson that were automatically the fact you wanted to go there, you weren't normal. You were off. Yeah. So just just filling out desire to go to the application that already meant that you were a little bit off. So then you get it's an accidental screening process. So now you have all these people who are off already, and they didn't even start yet.

And now all your friends are weird in that. Yeah, it's accentuating. Now you're getting weird because you're feeding off. And the same thing with the comedians, all those guys that stitches you relate, they all decided like to do that because they're outsiders and describing the world what the hell is this and all that. So then that you feel a connection, I think that don't you know, feel a connection. I just thought like, these guys don't have to get up in the morning and go to work. That's what I was thinking. Then they come down here, they fuck around, they get a free beer. I was just like, this is unbelievable. Like this is legal. This is fucking legal. This is legal. Like I just couldn't believe

that like, I could never get over the fact that if you were a comedian and you didn't have a day job that you get to get up when you want to. And my whole life up into that point, I had to get up when somebody else told me to my parents, come on, it's time for school. I had a job. Whatever the fuck I was doing, there was just oh, and then for like two days a week, Saturday and Sunday, like you got to feel like what it felt like to have control of your life. And even then, you know, my dad only needed like four hours to come on, get up. I don't believe in that. Like he didn't believe in it. So he would just fucking wake you up like I also had like a paper route. I had a paper right up until

like so I always had to get up like on the weekends, the paper didn't have to be there until eight in the morning. So I could actually get up at seven during the week was like six. So when I finally didn't have like a day job. And I was hanging out with all of these other people that didn't have day jobs. And it would be like a Tuesday and they would be like, Hey, man, you want to go see dead presidents or whatever it was, you know, when I moved into New York, like 95 or something, want to go see that tomorrow, like, you know, two o'clock show. Yeah. Well, let's go do that. And like, I don't know, I just feel like I've been that comedy was the way to get out of whatever the fuck that other thing was that I did not

relate to. Yeah, there's this whole thing of what's supposed to be happening, what you're supposed to be in when you're committing all that you describe is like you escaped. It's like you got out of some kind of not jail, but you got out of this thing and all the rules are different. All the requirements are different. And it's all because of our imaginations have allowed us to have a whole other thing of time when you do this, when you do that, you know, I just feel very grateful that my this whole career, my whole life is because of making things up. It's unbelievable. Yeah, it comes down to your imagination. And it's just like so lucky. It's just so lucky to be doing all this and having a career of it. Like it's, it's, it's fun. It's

playful. I making stuff up to me is like finger painting with with words. It's like kid make believe not that it's not hard, but it's, it's just a joy. I also feel lucky that people connected to the humor went right in the beginning, because if they didn't, I don't have another way of doing it. You know, it was like, they didn't like that. It's like, Oh, no, I couldn't like think of another way. I always love it. You didn't even need a joke. Like you would just wait, you just, you just walked up and got a laugh. Like they would be like screaming, you just go. Thanks. And then huge laugh. And then also they immediately knew who you were like, Oh, this guy is going to be like super, super dry. But before I'm just going to take a major left

turn here, right? Because I don't want to sit here and talk about call me the whole time. You were also a huge Red Sox fan, which I am season is just started here. And I got I was asked people is what, when did you? What year did you go to the first time you went to Fenway? Let's see, probably was born in 55, probably 65, 67. Tony, Clint Conigliaro. Yeah, you just started. Yeah, you just jump ski. Yeah, Rico, Petricelli, Jim Longbore. You know, Rico Petricelli used to live right up the street from me when I was a little kid. While he was playing. Yeah, I lived in, I lived in Linfield. It was right towards the end of his career. I think he played until yeah, Kenny Hodge lived down the street. Well, and yeah, Petricelli. That must have been great to

view mine to think they were right there. I mean, I never saw him or anything, but it just like blew my mind. And yeah, and everything was like, it was weird. Everything was so much smaller with just like local TV and local sports. But also so any sort of celebrity was so frigging huge. But when I was really little, I lived in like Peabody, Linfield, we bounced around a little bit before I ended up in Canton. But he was yeah, he was like right down the street. So George Scott's Cecil Cooper, maybe? Yeah, Joe Foy. Yeah. Jerry A. Deere. That's one of my second basement. One of my favorite, like if I, you know, every year we go back to Boston for a couple weeks. And I always try to take it at least one, if not two games. And it's one of my, because one of my dreams when

I was a kid, this is how it was when my dreams were, was I was going to live in Boston. And I was going to have season tickets to the Patriots, the Celtics, the Red Sox and the Bruins. And I was going to go to somehow I was going to have the money to do that and the time to go and I was going to go to all the fucking games. And, and it was funny, you know, I, and when I thought about it, I didn't even think about doing it with anybody else. Like in my mind, it was just like, and then everybody was going to think I was awesome because I could do that like that. That was like everyone, everyone of my fantasies. You have more going on than his. Oh no, I thought it was like this kid, everything that was going on and it always, you know, like whatever the equation was,

it always equaled. And then everybody thought it was awesome. So they stopped fucking with me. Oh my God, that's great. Yeah. So I often like when I take time off, I actually think of you sometimes really because I'll be watching a game and I go, I bet fucking Stevens, whatever the fuck he lives is sitting right now, watching every single pitch. He's not recording it. He's not fast forwarding through the commercials. He's just sitting there watching the game. I just picture you alone like keeping score. I love keeping score. I love keeping score. Even now, not now. No, no. I mean, I did it when I was 12, 13, 14. No, if I go to a game, I will keep score. You really? I have to fight not being that old guy with the AM radio. So you know,

like exactly like what's, what's. Do they still sell with the program to keep score in it? They sell it now. They used to give it to you when you walked in. That's how it's still in there. People do. Yeah. No, you can't. So actually, I got last year, I got when the Red Sox came down to Anaheim to play a game down there. They asked me to come down because I had a show coming up in Boston. I had to promote. So I went down there and I was keeping score. Oh, maybe that was when I was at Fenway. I can't remember. But I went up there and, you know, you was up there and everything. And he keeps, he's keeping score because it's also if you're announcing a game, like it's a way that you can be like, yeah, he's single to left the last time, but blah, blah,

blah. You know, you get like 18 hitters going during a game. I mean, you can't really remember like what happened to the numbers eight or nine hitter. So I kind of got to kick out of the fact that they, they, they keep score. I was in Fenway last Wednesday. Of course you were. How do we think of that team? The thing is, I don't, I don't know, 85% of the names I don't know. You know, but the cone of the, I wanted to go half of, more than half of going is going into the place, I think. I wanted to fix like a drug addict. I wanted to be in there. I watched three innings and then I left because that was, that was like, that was enough. That was enough. You know what I miss? I miss when it was like mostly empty. Well, it was empty. Oh, I forgot

to tell you. It was more than half empty. It was in the day. It was 45 degrees. Oh yeah. Last week. And there was seats all around. And it was like, oh yeah, this is like before 2004. That's all great. It's all fantastic. Yeah. But this other version before is almost nostalgic. It's like, oh, you know, dude, we used to drive by it and all of a sudden there'd be a game my dad like, Hey, you want to go? Be like, yeah, just walk in, you know, just buy four, five tickets. No problem. You know, we'd always say like blue seats or whatever, but like the stadium was so small, they were always like, they were always like great seats. But and you did a show there, right? How did it feel like you grow up as a Red Sox fan your whole life

and then you're in there doing a show? I mean, how was that? Oh, that was, well, I mean, obviously nerve wracking. But once I realized, you know, I was kind of walking around Boston leading up to it. It was during our vacation back there. I just kept running into people and they would just be like, Hey, man, hey, good luck. And da, da, da, da, da. They were just it was really nice. And I kind of felt like the city was behind me. Excellent. And when I got up there, it took about, you know, 20 minutes. And I realized, Oh, this is just going to be a show. This is crazy. And I just kept looking. I just kept seeing it said, you know, I was like, I was playing center field like left center. And I was facing it. I just kept looking up and every once in a while, I would just say Fenway

Park. And I would think the first time I ever went, we sat in the blue seats in right field. And then it was like, I couldn't believe it. I was like, that's Dwight Evans right there. And I was so hoping that a ball got in the corner and somebody tried to stretch a double into a triple so I could see that arm. Yeah, just watch it no bounce all the way probably to Butch Hopson was probably playing third at the time. So I thought about that. While you're on the show, you thinking about that? Yeah, well, you get a laughing kind of look over. Yeah. Like, how to help what I ever tell the young me, the little Billy Burr that this is that this was going to happen. All those things that you've talked about making fantasizing up growing up

and everything. That's what that is. You said some of them are real. That has to be a real. I don't even know if you haven't thought of that. But that's as real. That's as amazing as any fantasy. Don't you think playing? And you know what's weird, though, is then when it happens, do you ever have that thing where you dream about something, you dream about something, and then it then you actually do it. There's something about it that it now it doesn't feel like it was real. Or it doesn't mean as much like, like you dream about being in a movie, right? Yeah. And it just feels like it's this gigantic fucking thing, like being in a movie. And then you get there and we're shooting in a room like this. And there's just this little camera crew.

And it's like, no, what is big is where how many people can possibly see it. But when you're doing it, it's this really little thing. Like I remember I was doing, I think I was doing Seth Meyer's show. And Michael O'Brien said to me, he goes, Hey, you know, the SNL stages right next door, you want to look at it and like SNL is most intimidating thing ever to me. So I was like, Yeah, I would love to go there. Maybe just stand on that stage and kind of do something to try to feel comfortable. And I walked in and I just like, and I saw like the bleachers and like how small it is. This huge thing. Like I remember the first time I went to a taping of Letterman, I just started doing stand up and my brother got me tickets

for my birthday. And we drove down, I was still living in Boston. And I went to it. And I remember thinking like Dave's desk is way over there and Paul's shaving way over there in the middle. And it was just this little ass stage. And I couldn't believe it. I'm like, this big thing, this giant thing is just from there to there. Like it was unreal. And even Fenway prayer. Yeah, when you see that, it's much smaller than you had it in your mind. Yeah, that was that was just beyond that that was. Yeah, that never, that never quite made sense in my head. And it's funny, I'm upset with my agent and happy with him at the same time because he booked me in Toronto. You know, like two days later. And so, you know, my my tour guy Kenny is always like, you know,

don't you know, don't travel day of God knows something can happen. So I literally did the gig, smoked a cigar with Tony V out in right field, hung with my family and everything had a great time and all these friends and like, Oh my God, guys, people I went to high school with like there was a mini high school reunion that I got to go, which I only the only thing that bummed me out was I didn't get to stay there long because I really I loved my grade and all the kids I went to school with everyone was just a good shit, right? And then and like, it just happened and it was over and I was so relieved. And it was the same feeling I had after SNL where I was just like that could not have gone any better. You know, even the little mistakes you made who gives a

shit, it was just that was awesome. The pressure is gone. And I remember being like giddy at Logan. And then we landed in Toronto. And then it was just sort of back to the grind. And I saw the I kind of saw the humor in it. Rose just going like, Oh, isn't that amazing? I mean, I get back on the horse. You know, it's surreal. It's such an extreme situation. So everything's turned way up. And then then you're, you know, going you're in line buying mints. Yeah. But I love that. Yeah. And I actually feel bad for people that that that have that thing where they need it to keep going because I always feel like, Oh, man, they have like, stage five stand up comedian disease where I'm only I'm only a step like literally like stage three. Like this guy's terminal. Like I remember those I would do

the role with these guys, where you do like two shows, you fucking killed and all I wanted was quiet. Let's go find a dive bar or whatever. And they wanted to go to like the dance club with a DJs playing like all loud and get bottle service and shit. I'm like, I feel like I'm in a fucking motley crew video right now. This is too much. Like I just want to go, go sit somewhere. And I do several shows and then it's over. And then I wake up the next day and I go to the airport. When I go into the airport and I know there's no more shows. No, I like doing the show. It's just very intense. And I walk in and it's like, Oh, just well, okay, here's a ticket. Okay. Yeah, wait it now. Okay, go over there and look at some magazines because to make up for the intensity. Yeah. It's like a

balancing thing. No, my, my, my favorite thing is just, just sitting down doing nothing, which it took me forever. It took me like, say I took 12 weeks off, it took me 10 weeks out of to figure out how to do that. And then I finally figured it out. My fucking vacation was over. Nothing is an incredible thing. Because the word, but no, the word nothing has a negative connotation, you know, nothing. But if you're doing nothing, it's very helpful, because your mind slowly starts to send up, you know, ideas and everything. So doing nothing is almost, it's almost like, you know, rather than okay, I got to write more, I got to write something else. Do it. I've read about, I've read, I've read about doing nothing.

And it's, it's true, though. I was saying that to, what's his name? Jeff? No, what's his name? Mike? Jake. Jake. I don't know why it came up, but that's when I, and I know that it's, it's a good thing. I don't put it down like, oh, doing nothing. I know, I discovered a long time ago, that at least for creativity, that's where your mind can grow, send you something from the subconscious, because there's no pressure, you're not pressuring yourself. You're just like this. I got a buddy of mine, Paul Versey, great comedian, like he is great about that. Like I remember he came out here to visit, he was promoting something, and he had all of this stuff. And then we went over another one of our buddies' places, and we went over there, and he goes, hey, he goes, I, because

he'd just done a podcast, he finished, he goes, he goes, guess what I have for the rest of the day? I said, what? He goes, nothing. I got nothing. Like, I can just sit here and do fucking nothing. And I remember like, I kind of had nothing, but I still had to go pick up my daughter, and I was like envious. It's like, this guy can just sit here and do nothing on like a Thursday for the rest of the fucking day. And I forget what we were going to do. But we just sat there like smoking cigars in the afternoon on a Thursday. And, and I just kept thinking like, I was almost like looking at him, like, this guy has, it's Thursday, and he has nothing to do. That's fucking amazing. I want to do that. You said I kind of had nothing. Yeah. That's your world. I kind of had

nothing. I kind of had nothing for like a couple hours. But like when you got kids, you always, you always have something. But if you sit in there smoking cigars with that guy, and you're not even doing it, that's an amazing, it appears to be nothing, but your time with him doing nothing, smoking, that's as heightened as that's a fantastic thing. Yeah. This is becoming like George Carlin where something is actually nothing. And nothing is something like everybody else's stuff is shit and all your shit is stuff. It's sort of in that world. Because that's what it is. Like, I have stuff that I have something to do, which is usually at the end of your life in your death bed, you look back on it, it equates it equates to nothing. And what I think I really on my death

bed, what I'm going to think about other than my family and loved ones is that time I sat with my buddy smoking a cigar on a Thursday, or went to go see the movies on on like a like a Tuesday, because it's fun. And I think that's how I ended up getting into this business was it was just like, I so much of it was not fun. Math was not fun. Read this book, because I said so not fun. And I was just I just I don't know, I was like a cat on a leash, like this is fucking awful. I don't want to do this shit. So okay, I do have to ask, like, how did it take seven years to write this? And how did you allow yourself without beating yourself up that you still hadn't finished it where? Well, I wrote a story for Rolling Stone magazine in 1986. It was a fantasy fairy tale

about how the beach was invented. Dude, you were just I would never need to take if I just hide out with you. There's no reason to take mushrooms. It's just like just talking how there's just something I never thought all right. Okay, well, they were signed. They gave out they called 10 people and they said we have some subjects. By the time they called me, there was only two left to choose from the beach and another one. I don't even know what the other so I chose the beach. And I ended up writing this thing about how it became bathing suits and coolers and why the lifeguard chairs high up and all like in every few years I would read it because I liked it. And I read it and then I thought I should write I should write another things. I shouldn't. So then

I started writing. I was on Twitter actually just briefly I got they got me this Twitter thing and I was like, I don't want to put jokes on there. I'm going to start writing my next book on Twitter. So I was writing two sentences at a time of that tweeting it out. Yeah, two sentences and then the next day two sentences and then people leaving messages saying, doesn't he know this is perfect for his style of comedy? This is perfect for his jokes. What's what is he doing and other people? Oh my god, he's writing a novel on Twitter. This is fantastic. And then I stopped writing it on then that and I just just kept writing it. But I didn't have any known was waiting for it. I didn't have a deal with the company or anything. I was just writing it. And I got into this rhythm

where I would try to write like a little bit every day 200 words a day. And I then I really got it enjoying it. You see how it's another world like yeah. So I was in this other world, but I didn't have any pressure. It's taken too long. What no one even knew I was doing it may be a couple of friends. But so then it was like it's actually a really smart way to create something. I could never if they someone said here's this amount of money now give us the the gears would stop. I could never write it on purpose. You know, I got now we paid you now come up with it. It was funny. I'm doing something next month. This is a goof. Something I'm going to shoot. And because it's my own money, there's no deadline or anything. It's like, well, we can kind of maybe

this would be a long day. I go, why don't we shoot an extra day? Why don't we just be human beings and have an hour for lunch? We'll have a coffee truck. Why don't we just actually have fun for four days and shoot this thing. And like everybody on the zoom was just like, oh, yeah, I've been waiting for a gig like this forever. It's funny. Like this this grind that they do like there's never enough time. There's never enough money. It's always too late. Yeah, one minute left. And when we when I have a friend, Dean Paris, so he's a director, and he he we have this term called the treehouse that we came up with. And that term means when you when you're creating, like you're a kid, like you're 12, you're making up a movie or something without that pressure

of show business, the term treehouse is like, it's just it's fun fun. There's no no knowns waiting. There's no rules. You know, when you make a treehouse when you're a kid or make stuff up, there's none of and that's kind of you're saying that sounds like that's a little bit like that. You're taking all that stuff off the pressure off and you're creating this environment where it's a fun thing. Yeah, because that's what that's the thing that I kept running into is these things that I dreamed about doing you end up doing. I mean, they end up not being fun and I'm like, why isn't this fun? I'm fucking around. I'm doing all this stuff. Oh, I know why it isn't funny is because people are telling me when the fun ends and how much money they have for the fun

and all of that type of stuff. So it's it's it's been shoved into this thing of, you know, it's been monetized, basically. And then the second is money involved, like all the fun goes away. And and that's what I just like, I, you know, the things that I've worked on, I've always just going like, why is there never enough time? Yeah, it's like, they always go, ideally, this would be, you know, this amount of time for this budget, but we don't seem to blah, blah, blah. It's like, what do you it's like, if I see one more motherfucker buy a $20 million house, knock it down to then build another house, like, I just like, how does that dude not immediately get audited? It's like, you just spent 20 million on some and you just somebody bought Betty White's house,

10 million bucks, and just knocked it down. Wow. And it's kind of like, like, who the fuck has the money to buy a house and knock it down? Like, I'm going to buy a car, blow it up and then build a car where that car just was. It's just like, what the fuck. So I, you know, I do get on one side, like the business side of this where if they didn't put the squeeze on us, that, that, you know, we would sit there staring at our navels too long and they would lose their shirts and go out of business. So I'm trying to find the, you know, the, the happy medium, like balance of that. But now, you know, I'm going to be 55 in June, you know what I mean? So I've, I've at this point, you know, I just, I just literally, if it's fun,

I'm going to do it. And I like helping out the younger comics. And yeah, I kind of like, I've discovered coffee. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Did you see that the back of the book, the acknowledgments? Oh, yeah. The last thing is coffee. Yeah. I know. And I thought whenever you came, when I was talking about all the different layers of this book was I thought when you would start talking, you don't have to answer this question either, because I like not knowing is that when you would start talking about coffee, because I knew this kid wasn't drinking coffee. I thought that now I am in Stephen's head writing the book. Yes. I wrote most, I wrote that book on coffee. I wrote when I, coffee hits me like a drug, like cocaine. Coffee makes my mind go crazy. I have

this routine. I ride my bike guy, ride a bike. So I would ride an hour in the morning. And then I would go somewhere with a big thermos and a half of coffee. And I write, I start drinking the coffee. And my mind starts going like this. And I wrote, by the way, I wrote the book on my phone. Did I tell you that? No. I wrote it, of course. Why would you do anything normal? I wrote it in the notes section. While looking through a telescope. What? While looking through a telescope. Yes. Because I could take, I could never sit in a room in a typewriter computer and I need to move different locations in the phone. I could write it anywhere I wanted, in the car, on the beach, anywhere. But anyway, my mind would get jazzed up on coffee. I knew I had like a two hour window

where I was just great. Does coffee affect you? Optimal Steven Wright. Does coffee affect you like that? I'm a ginger, dude. We're weird with anesthetic and coffee. Like I can literally drink like back to back double espressos and then take a nap. But then every once in a while, I'll have a cappuccino in an espresso. And then I start getting like all every once in a while, it affects me like regular people. But most times it kind of doesn't. Okay. Unfortunately, we're gonna have to because you don't have to start wrapping this up. But like I felt like when I was reading this book, I was in the classroom. I saw on three planes, I was in the classroom. I was going off into the world in this kid's head. And then every once in a while,

you were pulling me back. And I was sitting I was over your shoulder watching you writing it. Really? Yeah, when you would whenever you would bring up coffee, I'm like, Oh, now it's Steven. Steven. Now back to Harold. Now we're in the classroom. Now we're on the mushrooms trip. I'm in outer space. I'm on this planet. I'm in a lighthouse. I mean, it's dude, this thing was a fucking ride. Wow. Thank you so much. Incredible. Thank you, dude. I think you're you are seriously, I don't say genius a lot, dude. You are a fucking straight up genius, dude. Nobody thinks like you. And I am so happy to know you. And I'm so glad that I had the privilege of reading this book before anybody else. It's called Harold. Read this goddamn book, man. It is it is it's a masterpiece.

Absolutely loved it. Thank you, Bill. And I also think you're amazing and you're brilliant. And I'm blown away by what you do and how much you come up with. I mean, not only is a high level the volume is mind blowing to me. Well, you know what else is is I said all that nice shit about you just so you would do that. No kidding. No, that means that means the world to me because I have to say your whole all you ding home guys. If you guys didn't exist, I wouldn't have a career. You guys like I always the amount of times I thought the luck I had that you know, my parents are Midwest people and they ended up just, you know, long story move to Massachusetts and one of the odds they moved to the state that literally had the best comedy scene and you guys created it,

you know, Leno, you know, had the machete going through the strip clubs and you guys started like you know what what I love that your generation started and has never ended is the the marriage of Chinese food and stand up comedy is such a uniquely Massachusetts New England type of thing like the Dick Doherty rest his souls with those ding hoes, nothing. Sorry, the the Aku Aku's, the ding ho. I mean, I play yeah, like, like part of doing stand up comedy for me when I started with smelling Chinese food being cooked. But anyways, dude, I thank you so much for coming on this. I hope this is this is a huge success. And I look forward to the next one in 30 years or whenever you write. Thank you. Thanks for having me on your show. All right. Thank you very much.

The one and only Steven Wright. Thank you guys so much for watching. Hey, what's going on is Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 11th, 2015. What's going on? How are you? I'm out here in Boston and I am four shows into my 19 show run here at the Wilbur Theatre. Having a good time so far running into a bunch of people I went to high school with worked with I had a math teacher from ninth grade. He showed up, you know, algebra knows it algebra, my algebra teacher. You know, and I remember that year you're supposed to get a. Well, shit, you needed a 70. That's what you needed. You needed a fucking 70 just like my helicopter test. You needed a 70 to pass in order to go on to geometry,

more math that I was never going to use in my life because I was not going to be an engineer. I had no idea what geometry was when I took it. Nobody ever told me they just fucking you just showed up and they just started, you know, you had to memorize paragraphs about shapes. The book Pythagorean theorem or some shit like that, right? Opposite angles are congruent. Remember all of that? I don't even know if it's like that for you youngsters out there, you fucking youngsters. But the way that they go into math, and you can tell right now that I didn't get the 70, um, the way that they go into math in fucking high school, it's absolutely ridiculous because up until then, you know, it's one plus one is two, two times two is four, four

divided by two is two, it's all fucking numbers. Right. And then all of a sudden you get to your freshman. At least I did. I got to my freshman year. I'm, you know, sure if you're from Asia, you got to this in the fourth grade, but I'm a white guy. I got to it in the ninth grade. Okay. I got a regular old fucking meat and potatoes, little stewed carrot fucking brain. I can't help it. All right. My ancestors boiled the food. There was no nutrients in it. And as a result, I'm five years behind an entire continent, evidently, everything upgraded is that we have nuclear weapons so we can actually bully people into actually thinking that we're an intellectual factor. You know what I mean? I mean, seriously, if we actually, if the world was like a fucking

SAT test, we really would not be doing well. Oh yeah, I'm dragging my whole country down with my stupidity. That's how fucking arrogant I am. It can't just be like, Hey, Bill, you ever think that maybe you're a fucking moron? Who should I hit the books a little bit harder? No, no, I don't think that I think I think I'll blame my whole country. I'll blame the whole school system. That's what you do, right? That's what you do as a parent. Now, when you have a little country kid who needs a swift kick in his little Oshkosh, but gosh fucking stupid. Oh, aren't those adorable overalls? Oh, the overalls are adorable. That little fucking monster in them, you know, who's never been told he's wrong his entire life. And then he's special. Right. That fucker right there

needs the pacifier slapped out of his fucking face. Sorry. I'm losing my voice already. Hey, I'm losing my voice already. You know, I got another fucking 20 shows to do. That's a bit funny thing to say to some parent. Excuse me, miss, if you don't get that kid under control, I'm going to slap the pacifier right out of his mouth. It's not illegal to say that. That's what's funny. It's just not everybody has like a cell phone camera and then they would fill you like fill you, film you while you did it. And then they would do the provocative to try to get you to watch the video. I was sitting on a park bench having a great time with my toddler. And I never expected that or then, and you won't believe what happened next.

Then they would just cut to me. Hey, lady, if you don't shut that kid up, I'm going to slap the pacifier out of his mouth. And then everybody would come at me, right? They come at me. Like I was the next Mussolini, you know, never, never once just going like, Hey, wait a minute, the video kind of started with him threatening that child. You know what I mean? Threatening the mother, uh, you know, to do fucking violence to the kid. That's where it started. Like what happened before that? You know, that's what they never, they never have that part in the video. They never had what happened before. It's always escalated. Just starts with somebody slapping a pacifier out of somebody's mouth, you know, and admittedly I watched those videos and I go,

Hey, come on, man, you know, at least wait till the kids like four, right? But these fucking videos, it's always starts like right there. It's like, what happened right before then? You know, for all you know, that's like a video shoot and the person's reading off like a cue card. Oh, you hear that hammering? I've been hearing that since seven in the fucking morning. Yep. There you go. Because I'm fucking staying with the beautiful mind right now. Fucking ADD out the fucking up the goddamn trees. You know, there's one thing that's funny, people really talk about that fucking bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. I've been hearing that since seven in the morning. You hear that fucking just laying here seven in the morning

and I'm fucking as one here, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, right? And it's making me have all these fucking weird dreams. I had this one dream, you know, because that hammering that fucking hammering woke me up at seven in the morning. My first words, my first words today were, are you, are you fucking serious? That's how I woke up. Now, you know, it's going to be a rough one when that's the first fucking thing. And I just, you know, I was going to wait till the fucking, you know, you know, the newspapers on the fucking deck were done and, you know, reading it and trying to figure it out. But I figured, you know, fuck that. I'm just going to do the podcast while the hammering is going on. I got other

shit to do fucking. So I got to deal with it means you got to deal with it. Do you get that one in? Oh, good. Now he's got to go cut another one. So we got a nice fucking 10. There it is, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back. Jesus fucking Christ. You fucking times you got to hit it before it's it. Anyway, so it was causing me to have all these fucked up dreams. I had this fucking dream that me and Nia split up. I didn't realize it in the dream. I knew I, I don't know, and I was out drinking with some other comics who I don't even know who they are in the dream. And I woke up the next day, they like, dude, what, you know, what the fuck happened to you last

night? I was like, what do you mean? What do you mean? It's like you were doing the chicken dance with that chick. And I was like, I don't remember I vaguely remember doing it and I was embarrassed. I don't know what the chicken dance is either. That's the weird part about this dream. And then all of a sudden I was just in this relationship with this fucking woman who I didn't want to be with. And she had this weird look on her face and she was walking weird. She had like blonde hair. She had a weird look on her face. And it was like she was walking the whole fucking thing. I was going, what am I, what did I do? I broke up with me and I got with this. She's walking weird and we're doing the chicken dance. I want to get out of here. Now all of that came from that

fucking hammering. I had that thing. And then I had another dream. I was pulling up to some department store in the hood for some fucking reason because I wanted to shop. All right. And these guys going, Hey, man, why don't you just park right here? Why don't you park, you know, I parked in this spot. And then they came up, they said, Oh, this, this spot's for our church. Why don't you go park down the street? Oh, we'll do it. We'll park it for you. I was like, dude, I'm not giving you my keys. And the next thing you know, one of them was in the car and I was outside the car. I'm like, Hey, you know, give me the fucking keys back, right? So I go into this bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. So then I fucking go into the department store.

No, Jesus Christ. It's the same fucking nail. That's what kills me. Funny if I go down there and he's banging his head against the wall, trying to get all the voices out of there. So I fucking, I go into the department store and it's just this shitty ass place and there's like washes and dryers and stuff. And then all of a sudden, like five of them come in and they go, Hey, you know, you know, we got to move your car or something like that, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, give me the keys and I'll go, I'm not giving you the keys. And they go, why? I go, cause I'm not the white guy from Def Jam. Like, Oh, okay, here you go.

Here's my fucking keys. Go move the car. I'm not moving the fucking car. And then I saw this whole part of the store that, and they go, you're not going to buy anything here. And I go, no, I got no, this fucking store sucks. And then they showed the, where all the good clothes were. I was like, Oh, this shows this fucking store is actually good. I know it's a fucked up dream, but I got hammering in my head. It's just as I'm dreaming here. So I ended up going out and my car's gone. I walked down the street to where it is, and they'd fucked up the fender. Now I'm driving away. No, I got in it and somebody came up with a gun and was trying to rob me. I remember, I just said, go fuck yourself. And now now I was

walking away and there was like this Asian cop. I swear to God, we're like the Baltimore riots playing on a TV or something. I don't know why I had this dream, right? I'm fucking walking out and this Asian cop, I'm going, you see these guys, they're going to fucking shoot me. And he said something. He's eating like this fish sandwich. And he was just like, yeah, you know, I can't fucking help you. You know, he had the white shirt on, you know, the fucking police chief. He was just like, yeah, you know, I can't help you. And then they were saying they were going to follow me. And I said, I said that I didn't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself. And then I was on Sunset Boulevard and I drove home to a different house. And then I woke up, I woke up and I had

a fantasy about having ridiculous security. And I popped up on that GPS screen and all their fucking phones as they were pulling up the street. I just yelled at them with this goat's head on said I was in the Illuminati. And they got scared and they left. That's my morning. That's what happens when you wake up to hammering. I don't know what any of that means, but I gotta tell you it's fucked up as the second dream was the first one was scarier. Jesus Christ. Even in my dream, why don't I just say, Hey, you know, I'm sure you're a lovely person to somebody else, but not to me. I don't want to be in this anymore. All right. It is you. And it's me. And that's my new one instead. It's not you. It's me. It's not me. It's you. It is me and it's

you. All right. It's fucking everybody. Thanks to you. It's not working for all of us. The Ununited Way. So anyways, you know, I mean, think about this fucking ADD shit coming from a family where everybody sort of has it a little bit to different degrees. You know what I mean? Which just causes you to constantly be going in like a different direction every five seconds and all that type of stuff. I've actually made peace with it. And I don't think I don't think it's really a big deal. When I just really sat down and I thought about it, you know, is it trying to put you on medication in my wife one time? I was just going like, you know, they got stuff, you know, kind of takes the edge off fucking chills you out a little bit.

And I was like, you want to your fucking mind? I'm not taking that stuff. The fucking FDA doesn't even exist anymore. It's full of a bunch of people who used to work for drug companies. You got the nuts running the nut house. I'm not sticking anything in my fucking body other than aspirin. Anything that wasn't made pre 1960s, I'm not sticking it in there unless I have a terminal disease. And at that point, who gives a fuck, I'll try anything. So I actually had this conversation with that. I go, do you ever think that having ADD is actually natural? I mean, I was born that way. You know, for you to sit there and like the way that they demonize that, oh, people, they have problems focusing and they can't do well in school gives a fuck.

I didn't do well in school. I did great in life though. You know what I mean? They're with the fucking schools in most jobs is what they want you to do. They want you to not be thinking, don't be fucking going all over the place. They went, oh, focus on this job. Focus on what job is mind numbing fucking horseshit that's not fulfilling me on any goddamn level stack of spreadsheets. Do you think I fucking laid in bed as a child? And that's what I thought about when I dreamed someday. Oh, someday. What are you going to be Billy? You're going to be an astronaut. You want to play baseball? No, no. I want I want to stack of spreadsheets. Here's the thing. There's some people that are fucking into that and it gets their juices going. Those are

the people who should be doing that job. I got to admit with this fucking pilot shit. I had no idea how much I was into reading charts and graph and stuff. And like the temperature, do point that whole fucking formula, right? Subtract the temp that do point from the temperature divide by 4.4 and then multiply by 1000. I thought I'd hate that shit. I fucking loved it. Once I got it down, I started getting the right answers and I really started thinking about the genius of how somebody actually came up with that. Got my fucking brain going and I loved it. You know what I mean? Which brings me back to fucking math in high school. Right? Math in high school, how all of that shit is fucking unbelievable. They're basically beginning

to make you the math that you learn in high school, at least in my fucking country, is they're making you like a junior member of the Freemasons. You know, you're starting to learn the secrets of the universe with that math. Now, if they fucking said that to start it out, you know, fucking motivated I would have been. This math that you're now going to embark on, that shit that we fucking taught you for the first eight years, okay? That's just, you know, that's just when you go down the street, you buy a loaf of bread, you make sure they give you the right amount of change. Okay, now this shit, I should have been up there wearing like some fucking, you know, secret society robe, dimming the lights with a flashlight under his chin,

right? Just to kick it off and just be like these, these formulas we are about to show you, showing like a video of like the fucking big bang in the solar system and all that shit being made, the math you're about to embark on, all the mysteries of the world up until this point, the mysteries that we have unraveled. The answers to all of these mysteries will now be at your fingertips. They'll be in your mind. They'll be in your soul, right? I would have fucking ace that class. If you just fucking walk in day one, and you write your name on the board, and you start throwing the alphabet in words and with numbers, you know, old freckles in the back of the class, I just shut down. I was like, I don't know what the

fuck is this? What is this? I don't get this. I feel stupid. I know I'm going to make the people around me laugh. So I needed a 70. I needed a 70 to get through this motherfucker, right? And I ended up getting like a 68 and I was a douche to the teacher all year, bad move, bad move when I'm coming up there with my lack of a hat in my freckled hands. And I'd like to 68 or 69. I was right there and he didn't give it to me. And I went to summer school. And I was just like, Oh, man, the summer is going to suck. I had two weeks off. And then immediately I was fucking back into into summer school. And then I got to summer school and immediately it was the best time I ever fucking had my life, because summer school is filled with a

bunch of class clowns, musicians, artistic people, people with fucking ADD and people who fucking hate authority. It was it was one of the great classes I had ever been in. They just I met, you know, I thought I was funny. I got to those classes. I was I wasn't even I kept my mouth shut. I couldn't even keep up with the level of funny that was in those fucking classes. And and then just the balls that the kids had truly found kids that didn't give a fuck. It's probably the bad crowd. But you know, something if you take what what you learn in that with that attitude, if you apply it to the right areas of life, it actually can work for you. If you apply it to the wrong areas, you end up in jail. So,

you know, you got to kind of navigate those fucking waters. You know, if you know if your natural reaction to somebody coming in going, okay, can settle down, could I have your attention, please? If your natural reaction is fuck this guy, that's not exactly a bad thing. You know what I mean? It's not actually a good thing either. You just got to know when you got to know when to say fuck this guy. Oh, who is this guy? Or why am I listening to this guy? I think you should always think why am I listening to this person? Unless, you know, you're on some hike through the forest and you were some goddamn ranger and there's a grizzly bear. And he turns around and be like, okay, listen, this is really critical. You know, then you listen,

you know, be like, who the fuck are you to tell me? Dude, I know it's a fucking bear. So anyways, that fucking ADD shit, if you have ADD, don't let him put you on fucking medicine. I'm really going like, was it Suzanne Summers that got in trouble? It was one of those blondies. It was the chick from the MTV thing, right? She said a bunch of stuff where she, you know, didn't really do her homework. What was it on? Autistic kids, right? Or was it Tom Cruise talking about psychology? I think I'm doing this right now. You know, what's that? Is that the phone ringing? Oh, Jesus, there's the phone, phone's ringing once the hammer stops, then the phone goes

thousand, one, one, one thousand, two, one thousand, three, one thousand rings. Come on, give me four. Over or under, I say six before it's picked up. Come on, five is five. It comes a push ties, lose ties, lose is six, seven for the win. Come on, seven. Come on, you seven. We got a winner. I'm going to wait till this is done. There's somebody downstairs sitting right next to the phone too. That's the funny thing. Anyways, um, yeah, that whole fucking ADD thing where it's just like, all right, you got to look, you got to, you know, you need to calm down. We, you know, you need to focus. Maybe you're a different kind

of person. You don't need two years of a fucking language and go through all of that bullshit. Hammer, hammer, hammer, hammer, hammer, hammer. Unbelievable. Unfucking believable. Constantly fucking places under construction. I don't think I've ever been here where it's not under construction. It's a beautiful mind and it needs to be occupied. Let me go build some shit. Hello. Do you know me? Sure, we all do. I'm that person hammering at fucking seven in the morning. How the fuck do I get out of this? Sorry, hold on a second, close, close and save, close and discard. These fucking Apple products, they always got all these questions. All right, let's read a couple of ads here for this week. All right, so here we go,

back to the fucking Monday morning podcast here. All right, so when we last, when I last talked to you, when I checked in on you on the Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast just before Thursday, by the way, if you would like me to read or rant about something, and I'm talking about anything on the podcast, you'd like to try to get it on, just tweet me with the hashtag TAMMP, basically Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Anyways, if you'd like to do that, that's what you can do. All right, and then the fuck else was I talking about? What the hell was I going with this? Oh, yeah,

on the Thursday afternoon podcast, Monday morning podcast just before Thursday, I was ranting about the Tom Brady thing, which I cannot believe they're actually going to, the rumor is he's going to get suspended for two games for pure speculation. I love all you guys too that show those text messages like that's damning information. I can't tell what they're talking about definitively and neither can you. All of this would be laughed at a court, but the thing is this isn't a court, it's a corporation. And what they really, what corporations really give a shit about is the opinion of the base level mouth, breathe and fucking moron, because that's the guy you get the most fucking money out of.

That's the dope that shows up to the game, dressed wearing everything but helmets and cleats, goes down to the pro shop and buys all the stuff and paints his fucking face. Moron, fucking mom, the fucking biggest fan. Oh, look at me. I'm a fireman. Put me on your shoulders. Even he fucking woke up. Even he woke up after a while. So this is fucking stupid. It's not worth it. But those are the people, those are the same people that call in sports, talk, radio and all that. The fucking NFL is going to base maybe he could have probably, but we can't prove it report is they're going to base the suspension on the crowd's reaction. The base level mouth, breathe and moron. So basically if you make enough fucking noise,

they're going to suspend this guy for absolutely fucking nothing. You know, I don't know if he knew. I don't know if he didn't know. And that's to say, everybody can say the same thing, but I can tell you this, what he, what he did, if he even fucking knew is, is the equivalent of fucking, he played with a hockey stick with too big a curve on it for about a period and a half. And then after that, with a regulation stick scored 50 fucking goals, but you're going to be like, Oh no, no, fuck his whole career. And all that comes down to was you fucking cunts hate the Patriots and you hate the fact that they're fucking winning. It's the dumbest shit ever. And I'll tell you this though, but this is what you're going to do.

If this is the standard that you want, okay, I will go with it and you can call Brady a cheater and the Patriots a cheater, but then we're going to go through the whole fucking league. And this is just the shit that I know because I got shit from some fucking Stealer fan. Right. And I'm like, really? Well, if we're just going to go on Circumstantial evidence, you have a sex offender at, at the QB procedure, two times sex offender that we know of at the QB position. And also Terry Bradshaw admitted to doing steroids along with a bunch of other Steelers in the 70s. So you're no longer six Berg, you're fucking two times, two times sex offender, two times Super Bowl champion Berg. You want that? What about Jerry Rice, who admitted

after his career that he used to stick them. That wasn't quite legal. It wasn't fucking legal. So there you go. What did he went three titles with the 49ers? Those are out and the 49ers are all cheaters. You can go around the fucking league. This, this shit in the league that you don't even fucking, there's been no evidence. You know why there's no evidence is because the other team that lost was never such a fucking pussy like Jim Ursay that they launched an investigation. Do you think that you can't do this to every fucking team on every game? If you looked under every fucking jockstrap, you wouldn't find something. Let's look at the Dallas Cowboys in the early nineties. The head coach was Jimmy Johnson. Bank bank bank bank bank bank

Jimmy Johnson from the university of fucking Miami. Okay. Basically a low security federal fucking prison. That's what their football program was when he was running it. Then he goes to dad, the Dallas Cowboys, AKA a coke den slash whorehouse of a fucking franchise. Their owner has a facelift. His face is a lie. His face is cheating right out of the gate. The first thing you fucking you're telling me if you didn't look under a couple of those cheerleaders skirts, you wouldn't have found something. Give me a fucking break. I'll tell you, right? If this guy gets fucking suspended, this is an absolute goddamn fucking travesty that you're going to do this tar and feather, one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and arguably the greatest head

coach of all time with this cunty fucking pussy shit. I can't, I, I don't even, I think I won't watch professional football. I'm just going to watch college football this year. If this is what happens if because of a bunch of fucking sore losers and mouth, breathe and fucking morons complain enough. I swear to God, I really think it's because of all that Ray Rice shit. You know what I mean? Oh, they didn't get it right. We got to get it right. Ray Rice knocks out his fiance and they go, all right, two, two games, two games, suspension. Why don't you cool it out there? You know, you know, come on, man, we can't have this. We can't, you know, they, they fucking talk to him like Henry Hill when he had his goomar, you know, they came over. Come on,

you got to go back to your wife. Okay, we can't have this. This is ridiculous. All right, come on, you can't be staying over here. You got to go back to Karen. That's how they treated him, right? Then all of a sudden the video came out and they were like, Oh, wait a minute, we, uh, we meant, uh, we don't tolerate that and, uh, get out of the league, get out of the league because we're so fucking pure, right? It's all fucking bullshit. It's all bullshit, right? And then fucking, uh, then what happens is goddamn fiance who should have left the guy, you know, that's probably, that's probably grounds to be like, you know, it's really isn't what I'm looking for in a relationship. She goes, but she forgives the guy. Why does she forgive him? Because he gave the apology of

the fucking universe because he makes a zillion dollars a fucking year. Do you think of Ray Rice was working at Midas muffler? The forgiveness happens. I don't think it does come in home every day smelling like fucking exhaust. I don't think it does. It's all bullshit. That stupid pink shit that they're making a zillion dollars off of. You guys go out and buy that fucking, those pink jerseys. You need to think you're helping out cause your grandmother died of fucking breast cancer and you find like one half or one half or one fucking percent actually goes to the cause to raise awareness, not even to fight the disease. And the rest goes into these fucking owners pockets. Do you see that shit about the troops? Whenever they advertise

with the fucking, uh, the flag and all that, you're thinking, wow, the NFL supporting the troops, the military's got to pay for that. You guys are talking about a cunt hair out of a fucking ball. Somebody said this weekend said, if he actually did it, he should have just said like, yeah, man, I like that's what the fuck I like him at gives me a little better feel. You know, I didn't think it was that big a deal. And then you combine that with the fact that ESPN did the study and showed it was actually a disadvantage. And you combine it with the fact that when he had the regulation fucking ball, he scored. He fucking killed him even worse. It's a fucking witch hunt. You tar and feather in this guy. And you know what? Go ahead and fucking do it. Because

that's what sports fans do. It's like New York sports fans, New York sports fans, you know, all they bring up when they talk to Boston fans are the two giant victories over the Patriots. So you couldn't beat the Giants, though. They're still bringing that shit up. You know, it's like, I don't even bring up the fucking 04 Yankees. Do I do that? Do I bring up, uh, you know, oh, the fucking Celtics got 17 championships? Do I fucking, the only time I ever do that is if a Nick fan comes out to me and gives me fucking shit fucking New York fans sitting there ignoring, hanging their hats on two fucking wins and fucking ignoring the absolute carnage, the roadkill, the sports roadkill of the other fucking eight teams, the other eight teams in

your fucking state roadkill, fucking roadkill to the point they shouldn't even be the in a fucking league. Horrific. Absolutely fucking horrific. And even your crown jewel, the Yankees, they blew a three games to none league. So even they got a fucking big splooch of mud in their face. Fucking unreal. Not fucking real. Gotta listen to Verzi all fucking week this week talking about how telling Boston fans how the fucking Giants beat the fucking Patriots. It's just like, really? Are we still talking about the fucking whatever? Hey, you know what? Good for you. Good on you. Did you win two? Well, we won four while winning three World Series, the Stanley Cup and an NBA championship with four teams. I will take that. I'll take those

two losses all fucking day long, all day long. But anyway, so this past Thursday, so I was fucking ragging about this Brady shit as I just, as I just did. And I don't want to hear anybody giving me any shit about that. I continued to talk about this because you cunts are continuing to talk about it on the other side, towering feather in my fucking guy. So I'm going to stick up for him here. Um, so anyways, other than the Brady thing, last Thursday, the fucking lightning were up three games to none against the Canadians and the fucking capitals were up three games to one against the New York Rangers. And all I was thinking was, well, at least before that was thinking, all right, well, if the Rangers and Canadians win,

they play each other. So they're going to knock one of them out. So now I'm down to just one. You know, and then hopefully the ducks or the Blackhawks will finish them off, right? But all of a sudden it looked like Tampa Bay was going to win and the capitals were going to fucking win, you know, and they were going to get done away within the semis. Oh, that would have made me feel great. And then what happens? Canadians win game four. All right, to the Canadians. They got that fucking pride. They got that tradition. You think you're going to sweep us? Go fuck yourself. All right, come on, Tampa. Finish them off in five. They fucking win game five. Well, they have to game six right now. So game six is tonight. Game six is tonight. And I'm going

to tell you right now, Tampa, I swear to God, Eisenman's got to be down there. He's got to be down there. He's got to give him a speech because if they lose this one, it's fucking over. You can never say it's over, but it is fucking over. And I actually think I think I'm rooting for the capitals, but I think the ranger series is over. I think it's fucking over the fucking goddamn capitals, man. They just can't get over the hump. You know, you know, it's funny was I really agreed when they got rid of their fucking coach there. I didn't think he was the right guy. I can't remember his name because of the B. Now he's with the ducks. Guess I was wrong, huh? They're looking like the favorites. So anyways, it's actually going to be,

I think we're probably going to be looking at two game sevens. You know, as much as I root against the fucking Canadians in the ranges, it's actually exciting to watch a team come back like that. And then also it's fucking extra hockey. You know, so it's kind of a win-win. They either fucking dispose of them quickly or I get to watch more playoff games. You know, God knows I got the time as a Bruins fan. God knows I got the fucking time. So anyways, I'm in the middle of this run here in Boston, which is really a fucking amazing thing. And I want to thank everybody who has come out so far. I'm really not taking this week lightly. You know, this means a lot to me that all these shows were added and everybody

comes out. And it's really cool that I started my career 23 years ago right across the street. Oh, actually right across the street now is the W Hotel, but it used to be an empty parking lot. And you could actually see Nick's comedy stop. It was great. They had this. They still have the sign and it lights up. It's just blocked by the hotel now. So you can't fucking see it. And they're actually down to only two shows a week, which kind of makes me sad. But I got to tell you, I'm like one of the few guys I know that the original place where I started to actually still exists and is doing comedy. That's pretty good 23 years in. And I did so much stand up in this fucking state. You know, it was Mother's Day yesterday.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and took my mom out to brunch and all that and met some of my other relatives and stuff. We all met at this restaurant and I went in there and I was just like, Jesus Christ, I did stand up in this, this space. It wasn't this restaurant, but it was something else like fucking 20 years ago. And then the place right next to it used to be like a ground round or a spaghetti freddies or something like that. And I used to stand up in the basement of that. All these fucking memories coming back. You know, great memories, some sad, you know, I always think about Patrice when I come back here. He's always fucking, I used to swing by you know, I'd go a Blue Hill Ave and I would turn he lived down on

where do they live on Seaver Street in West Roxbury. I used to go down there and I'd pick him up. We drive over. No, did I used to pick him? No, he used to go into the clubs and then I'd meet him in the clubs and at night I'd give him a ride home. And so just thinking about all of that shit and all the fucking, I don't know, man, it's been, it's been one of those things. And I've just a bunch of people that I went to high school with and I've been showing up, which is always great. You know, and fortunately, I had a really, you know, some people, you know, dude, I hated high school. I hated my fucking grade. I didn't. I loved high school. I hated the academic part, but I came a really good, cool grade. And fortunately, everybody I've run into is doing

really well and they're happy. And what's really cool too is they seem the exact same. I ran to a couple of kids the other night, not even kids now, shit, we're fucking mid 40s. And it's crazy. Everyone they run into for my grade, it was just like, you know, 25, 27 years in some cases have gone by, you just pick up right where you left off talking about, you know, they got kids or whatever they're doing. And then you just start talking about all the dumb shit that we did. Had a couple buddies of mine come in last night. And I'm not going to name the name of the school, but he had this, I'll tell the quick version of the story. All right, it's the late 80s. Appetite for destruction is just catching on people are playing the fucking cassette tape.

We're at this party, two of my psycho friends, one of them's gone now, rest his soul. They go to go upstairs, you know, to go to a different party. All right, they both leave fucking 10 minutes later, they come back, one of them had a flat top, he had a fucking gash going like almost like someone tried to part his hair by splitting his scalp. He's got this fucking four inch gash on top of his head. And the other guy's got a separated shoulder and a fat lip and we're like, what the fuck happened? They're like, Oh, you know, we just walked into this party, we said, Hey, is this a party? And they just started beating us up, right? So this fucking mob goes up the goddamn stairs, right? And we, you know, we're going up the stairs,

all drunk. And we hear the party. And the biggest psycho out of all of us knocked on the door. And, and the person in the side goes, Hello, and he goes, Hey, excuse me, is there a party in here? And the fucking dude opened the door and then it just fucking bedlam. I'll never forget the sound of that because it was all hardwood floors. It was like fucking would appear to be 20 on 20. Everybody throwing fucking haymakers and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Long story short, the fucking smoke clears. And I'm kind of looking over at the people we were fighting. And it's like six guys and six women. And there's a board game that's fucking all over the place. We went to the wrong party. They were in there playing like risk or something. And then 20 drunks came in.

Just wasn't 20. It was like, I don't know, it was like eight of us. And I don't know, the real party was upstairs. It was funny was the kids upstairs. They actually sued my friends because what they said happened didn't really fucking happen. So we were talking about just all of those days. There's so many funny details of some of my friends. And I don't want to share them all with you because I'm afraid someone else is going to steal it and put it in the script because there's a couple of details in these guys. Verzi's always like, dude, that's fucking hilarious. You got to put that in something. But so we were just talking about all those old days. And oh my God, this guy got mad at the other guy and he threw a keg

right through his fucking windshield. I got arrested for drinking and driving because I was trying to get home to the fucking Patriots Rams game. That was when I got pulled over. I remember the cop pulled me over and he said, where you coming from? I said, ah, fucking Boston. He goes fucking Boston. You want to get out of the car please? And I'm like, what a shit show. I remember when that fucking was trying to put my finger to my nose, it from fucking eight to 12 went good, as far as the arm movement. But when I went 12 to six, it felt like somebody else's hand just came down and slapped me in the head. And he goes, you want to turn around and face the car and put your arms out and try to stand on one. He was just trying to get me to end the position. He just

fucking cuffed me. That was bad. It was bad. I blew a one nine, you know, thought I had the two thought I had the two. All right, let's do a little more advertising here. That's good. Fucking convicted drunk driver. Here we go. Let's do some advertising here. And he's not even talking about the dangers of it. All right, legal zoom, everyone. Are you the next world famous entrepreneur? Or maybe you don't care about fame. You just want to help people, whatever your motivation. If you're an innovator, it's easy to launch your dream this month with legal zoom, incorporate or form an LLC to start your business, register your trademark to protect your products and services, apply for a patent to secure your

invention. Or over the, over the past decade, a legal zoom has helped more than a million people just like you turn their ideas into reality. So what's special about this month? Well, for a limited time, you can get a, you can get special savings on any trademark, copyright, a provisional patent application, go to legal zoom.com today to get started. They even can help you if you have a great idea, but you're not sure where to begin. Since they're not a law firm, you can get advice from legal zooms network of independent attorneys in most states. That means you can get the guidance you need to get your idea off of the ground. Don't forget to enter Burr in the referral box at checkout this month for your special discount, legal zoom.com promo code Burr,

legal help is here. All right, stamps.com, everyone. Lastly, but not leastly, most of us are trying to find more time every day to get, every day to get things done. So you can't let trips to the post office slow you down. Now you, now you don't have to. Thanks to stamps.com. With stamps.com, you can buy and print official US postage right from your own computer and printer. Stamps.com will send you a digital scale that automatically calculates the exact postage you need for any letter or package, any class of mail. You'll never waste valuable time going to the post office again. Do everything right from your desk with stamps.com, print the postage you need, put it on your letter or package and then just hand it to your mail carrier. And you know what,

you're all done. I use stamps.com to send out all my posters like the little fucking one I'm selling this week at the Wilbur autograph poster, by the way, if you're coming down right now, use my last name Burr for this special offer, no risk trial, plus $110 bonus offer that includes the digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait, go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that's stamps.com enter Burr. All right, mercifully, the reading out loud portion of the program is over. Oh, for fuck's sakes, what happened? I, you know something, I absolutely fucking 100% hate computers. I had all my questions. What happened? What does it mean when you click on it? Oh,

there it is. There it is. I like how I was just going to ask you that like you could answer me on a recording. All right, fed up. Hey Bill, saw a great documentary called Fed Up. A few things they talked about sounded like stuff you'd mentioned on the podcast. I was wondering if you've seen it. It focuses on the dangers of sugar and the addiction that most Americans have. Definitely check it out if you haven't. No, I've read enough. I read. I even read. I mean, read a little bit, but I mostly watched a bunch of documentaries and I've pretty much found that they're, they are, they're right on. They're very accurate. But I tell you, it's very difficult to try to eat food now that has not been tampered with on some level. And I try to be empathetic to the

people that grow the food thinking like, well, you know, if you got to feed seven billion goddamn people or whatever, 300, whatever there is in this country, though, 300 something million, 400 million, you know, you're going to need some pesticides. But, you know, I'm trying not to talk on my cell phone anymore with it up to my head. I don't go through that airport security where they fucking use that, you know, x-ray light thing that they're using. I don't go through that thing. I just, I don't fuck with any of that stuff. I try to avoid that as much as I can while all the time drinking way too much and occasionally smoking a cigar. So I'm the typical fucking hypocrite where in this room, I am talking holier than now and then in the other room,

I'm a fucking devil. So I don't know. I, I, I recommend that people watch that stuff. You just take what you can from it. Maybe you think it's total bullshit and you keep on eating twix bars and fucking, you know, whatever the fuck else you want to eat, you know, have at it, whatever, it's your body, put in it, whatever you want to do, but I'm not going to be that person wagon your finger going, we need to stop these people. They're poisoning fucking people. You know, I let somebody else do that. Somebody else wants to fucking lead the march down the goddamn road. I'll, I'll be there. Well, I, I don't know. I have no idea. Oh God, Henry Jackson would fucking slap me in the face with this powdered wig. All right, girl with no name. Hey, big balls, Billy. I was

in New Orleans for jazz fest last weekend, man. And I met an absolutely gorgeous girl. Wow, that's already a great story. Went to a music festival and one of the great music cities, probably the best music city in the goddamn country. Relax Nashville. You met a beautiful woman. That's awesome. I like this already. This is a movie. I'm watching first 10 pages. I'm in. We immediately hit it off last Saturday and had a phenomenal night together in the French quarter. The next day, we exchanged numbers and said our goodbyes as she lives in California and I'm in Florida. Uh-oh. This entire, this entire last week, we've been texting nonstop to each other and I'm beginning to fall into the first stages of love with this gal. The problem is, I do not remember her name,

but she has used mine repeatedly. Oh fuck, dude. We both enjoy jobs where we have, where we travel quite a bit. So we are planning on having a George Clooney slash Vera for Miga, I don't know, in up in the air type relationship. We were planning on meeting up in New York on Memorial Day week. My problem is, I don't know the best way to figure out what her name is. I feel like straight up asking her name at this point would make me come across as a total douchebag and risk jeopardizing the relationship. Dude, if that means at some point in the French quarter, you've already forgot her fucking name. Oh God fucking. Oh my God. This is making me feel nervous. Also, I am afraid that continuing using pronouns as I have him will get me in trouble sooner

than later. When this happened in the past, I would just tell the girl to add me on Facebook to get her name that way. However, I was forced to delete my Facebook account in my previous relationship, a move I am regretting more and more each day and any help on a suave way I can attain this girl's name without coming across as a chauvinistic asshole, wouldn't be much appreciated. As always, go fuck yourself. Well, there's nothing chauvinistic about forgetting the name. Um, and why did you have to delete your account? What happened? Hell, that's no fury. What did you do? Did you do something? Because I would just say, well, why don't you just add your account back up again?

This is what you should study. I already talked about it on Facebook. Just text her and say, oh, no, you can't say where where's your account should be. It's under my name. Um, this is what I would do. Oh, Jesus, I would add. This is what you fucking do. This is what you do. Just create an account under a different name, like your nickname or something stupid, you know, and you can just say like, ah, you know, I just think sometimes these social network things are a little evasion of like a, you know,

an invasion of privacy and just, oh man, I don't know. This is tricky. Should be like, well, just add me. It's under my name. Do you know what my fucking name is? Oh boy. Um, all right guys, we're going to need some fucking help on this one because I'm failing miserably. The only thing I can think is get back on fucking Facebook. Um, but when you get back on Facebook, she's gonna be like, well, why don't you just go over and fucking add me? Is she on Twitter? Ask her what a Twitter handle is. There's got to be a way to do it through social media. I really feel at this point that I don't know that you can fucking ask her what her name is. It's too fucking long at this point to ask her what her name is. And also to be honest with you, the fact that you had to delete your

account, you know, and you've done this before in the past, you sounded me like you're kind of out there crushing it. So I really don't feel too, too bad for you. Um, and also you probably, just from a couple of details in that, whatever the fuck you did. Um, I don't know, dude. I mean, who the fuck did you date? Glenn Close in fucking, you know, you got cheese on your nose, whatever the fucking movie's called, the attraction, fatal attraction, right? Um, who's getting who dude, you fucked around on the other girl and then she just was saying you're a cheating piece of shit. That's what I'm guessing. And then you had to get off Facebook. That's what I'm guessing. Right. So you did that, you fucked her friend.

Dude, fuck this other girl. What did you do? I want to know, I want, I want the second installment of this. What did you do to get kicked off of Facebook? No, you had to take out for your account because of a previous relationship. I can tell you right now, dude, I don't know what the fuck you did, but you're never going to be able to run for political office until you address this part of your life right now, sir. All right. But other than that, I would try to maybe somehow through fucking, oh Jesus Christ. How do you do it? It's gonna be fucking drunk rummaging through a purse when she goes into use the bathroom. Oh God, you know, I would judge you if I hadn't done all of that. You know, all right, best athletes. Billy boy. I tried that boxing workout that you talked

about on the show. Run for three minutes, then rest for a minute. Oh now run for three minutes. I said skip rope for three minutes and rest for a minute for 12 rounds. Kick my ass. Thanks for the tip. In your opinion, what sport has the best all around athletes? Best all around athletes? You know, I don't know. I think they're all fucking. I mean, I'll tell you, as far as physical condition, hockey players are, have you ever seen, we were talking about that comics come home. I forget who said it. I want to give it the comic credit. I can't remember what it was, but it wasn't me. It was another comic who said that says you never see a fat hockey player and it's fucking true. And if you ever played the sport, you know why you just don't. It's just it's one of those

sports where it's just you just burning so much calories. You have to be in such unbelievable physical condition that you, what does that sound? Was that a bird? It was a fucking bird outside making this weird noise. Every time I inhaled, I thought I had a problem with my chest. No, I hear that again. What is that? Is it the bed? Are you guys hearing it? Is it in my head? What am I losing my mind? Anyways, the, I don't know, those UFC guys are fucking unbelievable. Boxes are unreal. I have no idea. Jesus Christ, what a shit show that fucking Pacquiao Mayweather fight was, huh? Everybody's flipping the fuck out about that thing. Verzi's convinced it's fixed. Listen to the Verzi effect this week. He sits there going like, dude, you can see it like when

Pacquiao puts his head down. I'm sitting there going, well, you don't think he put his head down during the press conference because everyone was bitching that they, they got fucked over on the fight and he was embarrassed. I don't think that automatically means that that was fixed. But hey, I like a conspiracy like anybody. So anyways, all right, how the fuck do I get out of this? Let's just fucking go on to the next goddamn question. I'll read this thing. I swear to God, I think I'm making that noise when I breathe in. All right, in love with the lesbian. Oh, you fucking romantic fool. Hey, Bill, saw your show in Memphis and I just wanted to say you fucking killed it. Thank you. I drove all the way from Arkansas and was stoked to meet you and get

an autographed poster. Well, thank you. Anyways, I just wanted to get your take on my weird situation. This is a girl I've liked since I started grad school and we've known each other for four years. She's fun, intelligent, kind and in my eyes, at least beautiful. Well, why'd you have to fucking qualify it there? Thing is, I found out early on she didn't play for the team. I thought she didn't play for the team. I thought she did. I was devastated. Soon after that, the woman she loved died. And she's still case taking care of said woman's kids from a previous relationship. Since then, I've moved away. I've tried a bunch of things to try and get over, you know, the usual shit, Jim, bury yourself and work, go after other ladies. I visited her intermittently in the

past four years. Well, that's not good for you. And I can't seem to stop caring for her would love to hear what you would do if you were in my situation. Thanks again and go fuck yourself. I think you just have to deal with the fact that you're in love with someone that's not going to love you and you need to move on and just keep doing what you're doing. Keep going to the gym, bury yourself in your work. I wouldn't bury yourself and work who the fuck wants to work all the time. But yeah, instead of going after other ladies, why don't you try to go find one that you have something in common with? All right, I keep you at a make a list right now of somebody you would looking for to spend the rest of your life with. I don't think being a lesbian would be on that list

because she's not going to get with you. Unless I don't know, she feels like living a lie, right? But at some point, you know what I mean? She's going to go get her hair done. What would I do? I would have faith in the fact that you're the right person is going to come into your life. I would stop with the visits because that's just you know, that's like going back and hitting the crack pipe. You know, you're fucking Charlie Brown trying to kick the football again, you fucking land on your back and you get back up. And what are you doing? You know, I would just, you know, I think if you want to fucking meet somebody nice, you have to start living a nice life yourself. You know what I mean? Like what's funny is, you know, you see these dance clubs, baby,

be, be, be, be, be, be. Nobody meets their wife or husband in there. You know, fucking roofie central, you know, everybody on fucking drugs and glow sticks. I mean, just got a bunch of fucking, you know, either immature or damaged people in there. You don't put a baby in that. They don't accept somebody's fucking goddamn baby batter. That's disgusting. You just get the fuck out of there. Okay. You don't meet your wife, you know, in black light. I would, um, I don't know, there's a lot of stuff that you can do in your twenties to actually meet a great person that you never really think of doing because you think you got to go out, you want to go out to bars, you want to do all that crazy shit, get it out of your fucking system.

But if you actually, you know, I don't know, join like some sort of league play sports or do some volunteer work or something like that, you're going to meet a great person, you know, or a fun person, stay out of those stupid ass fucking clubs that every guy, every mouth breath that goes to, you know, the kind of people that are going to get Brady a two game suspension for a cunt hair of a fucking unbelievable who the fuck weighs the balls. Can you guys just set aside your hatred for the Patriots? Can you just set us that aside and then just sit there and on any fucking level as a fucking man, admit to what the level of cry baby horseshit that that is. Unfucking believable. Unfucking believable. I'm trying to think of anybody that throws a ball that doesn't

doctor it. Every fucking picture does every quarterback does. They scuff them up. They do all kinds of fucking shit to get them where they like it. Little fucking little English on the goddamn ball. They all fucking do it. Every goddamn one of them has got a fucking ritual of how they like their football. Do you honestly think that the reason why you didn't make it to the NFL was because the ball wasn't fully inflated? The next time you play a pickup game, why don't you let a little bit of air out of the ball and all of a sudden it'll magically go everywhere where you fucking wanted to go. You'll be throwing like Tom Brady. It doesn't even fucking make any sense. Jesus fucking Christ. Oh my god. This will make you guys non-patriot fans fun happy. I will never

get over this if they fucking tar and feather him over this fucking horseshit. And then I want all of you cunts who support it rather than being pussies on the fucking internet. Come out to my show or whatever. You don't have to go to the show just afterwards. I really want you to look me in the eye and present your argument as to why you really fucking feel that that like gave him an advantage. I really want to fucking know why like what fucking advantage and you'd be going against an impartial scientist because ESPN hired the person and God knows ESPN is in the game of sensationalism. They didn't want that guy to fucking come up with a study that said it wasn't an advantage. They wanted it to say it wasn't an advantage. And you know why I know that is because

they're completely ignoring the fact that they had that study done in their own fucking network. Oh I'll tell you it books me you know. All right. Dilemma. Your podcast and all right. So here's a dilemma for you. Would you rather spend a year in jail? No. Having to sleep in the same cell cell with a gay fellow named Mandingo Jones. Jesus is that the most hackiest fucking thing ever. Well I tell you I'd rather have a gay cellmate than a fucking angry straight one that wants to fucking you know you just feel like the gay guy would be a little more gentle. You know he's been there before he's got some technique gross. All right. Or would you rather become a piece of shit banker. Dude that's not it. That's not a dilemma.

Well I'd fucking become a banker. Then I'd be a mole and I'd fucking rat everybody out. Even then I couldn't I couldn't fucking rat people out. I'd just be going like guys you know. Remember that day. You remember David Spades bit when he used when he was imitating Michael J. Fox and come on let's not rape this girl in Vietnam whatever the fucking movie was called. It was like guys you know what are we doing here Sarge like that's what I would be that guy. I mean although there's a part of me that would like to be sitting in on those meetings just to hear what the fucking just to hear what they said. You know what I mean. How they present. Do they literally present it like let's do something illegal or do they use other words

where everybody just realizes what they're presenting is not exactly within the boundaries and a little game and ship gamesmanship and banking. I wonder how they feel it feel like you know. Although I got to tell you 2008 was definitely spy gate when it was fucking you know when it was fucking you know whatever the fuck they did there when they artificially overinflated the prices of the house. This $40,000 house is worth fucking 90 grand and you know what you make nine dollars a month and you're qualified for a loan. Anyways whatever patriot anti-patriot fans you want to give a shit for spy gate I'll take that all day long they shouldn't have done it it was it was cheating they should not have done that.

All right the league wide memo telling everybody to stop doing it and the arrogant cunt continued to do it. I think he was guilty of arrogance I think he was actually cheating I think he would have used something a little smaller than some giant news TV thing fucking standing right there on the goddamn sideline but if you want to say it's that then you know fine if you fucking guys want to act like your team does not do stuff to get a competitive fucking edge think about all the guys who are barely in the fucking NFL barely in the fucking NFL and if they fucking get cut they're going to go to bag and goddamn groceries at a fucking gelsons you know or even worse of Vaughn's or a roach brothers right or or you know they could maybe do a

little something maybe grab a jersey here maybe put a little sticky stuff on the gloves little I'm not talking about Royds here I'm not talking about Royds all right Brady got busted for doing steroids fine yes you're cheating all right absolutely but if you're talking about little a little fucking let's do a little this do a little of that each fucking play if you're gonna fucking call that cheating I mean you're really gonna you're gonna fuck you're gonna fucking kill everybody in the league I would say that's what I was