Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-12-16

Episode Date: May 12, 2016

Bill rambles about glazed donuts, the Blues and jumping off a public structure.

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Tell people later you got to lay off the glazed donuts. Oh, come on Bill, that early in, Jesus Christ. You go with the jizz joke, that fucking early in, this does not show a lot of promise. That was an under a minute, the first jizz joke. You know what I mean? That's like when you watch one of the, you know, quickest knockouts. You know, and you're looking at the other guy like, why the fuck did you even show up? You know, I could have done that. I could have gone in there with no fucking training whatsoever, whatsoever. And I could have got my fucking ass knocked out in less than a minute.

You know, although I wouldn't have the balls to then go try to figure out what I did wrong and then come back to potentially have it again. And that's what separates the audience member from the professional fighter that gets knocked out in a minute. You know, whenever you see that, there's always that guy, dude, I could have fucking done that. Really? You could have gotten top physical condition, you tub of shit. Fucking sitting there, who eats fried dough at a boxing match? I didn't even know they sell it. They said, I didn't even know they sold that shit at a boxing match, you fat fuck. What did you find that, huh? He's like some fucking food whale. You know, like when the degenerate gamblers show up and they get flown in and they get this giant suite,

they're like, oh, fucking ballies, do you know, they roll out the red carpet. Fuckhead, you're already paid for it. They're looking for you to buy another jet. You know, they probably do that with people who are really fat, you know what I mean, when they show up. Hey, just to let you know, Fat Frank's showing up and he's going to the boxing match. So let's bring in some extra chefs and add to the menu. Who gives a fuck if no one else eats fried dough? This guy will eat enough fried dough to justify it, you know?

No? All right, whatever. You got to just joke, I'm making fun of fat people. This isn't good. Oh, this is what, you're probably thinking, jeez, Bill, your energy's a little bit high for a Thursday afternoon. Or maybe you're not thinking that. Maybe I'm saying you're thinking that and I'm getting in your fucking head, right? The way advertisers feel that they do, that they show one every five seconds, rather than just getting annoyed on the internet, you're going to be like, oh, you know what?

I think I will fucking, I never watch them. Which is really hypocritical because I have advertising on this podcast. But you guys also have the option of just fast-forwarding it, you know? Just still a pain in the ass. What I like about YouTube, it's like, you must watch this. So what I always do is I hit fucking mute and then I just scroll down to, and I read some of the comments, and I just, just at the top of the screen, I could see that thing sliding across, and then I know it's fucking over.

You know why? Because about 20 years ago, I was in a bar and this woman was in advertising that I met, and she kept telling me that it works. And we go, yeah, it doesn't work. Sometimes it annoys me, and it makes, she goes, no, but it's in there. It works. It totally works. She just kept saying, no, it works.

It's just like, and I was so young and dumb, it's like, Bill, this is the industry she's in. Okay? Why don't you just go tell somebody that their religion is wrong? You know, of course she's going to defend it. What's she going to do? Say, yeah, it doesn't work, and then she's going to go to work in the morning. But I was younger, you know? Full head of fucking orange, red hair.

Doing my best. Talking to the ladies down on Newbury Street. Right? What do you say there, fucking all black dressed there? Fucking goth looking chick. That's all I remember from back then. All those fucking goth looking chicks just fucking walking around down on Newbury Street. Dead Doc Martins and all that shit.

You go over to Daisy Buchanan's. That was the meat market, right? That was the chicks that went to the gym. Unlike the goth ones that were on Newbury Street. They were all fucking sad, you know, taking the weight of the world on their shoulders. Those whores and Daisy Buchanan's, they didn't give a fuck. They still don't give a fuck. You know what I mean?

Fucking starfish tattooed above their butt crack. Just walking around. They didn't give a fuck. I walk in there with my fucking waist length leather jacket, my driving gloves. Little did they know I stepped out of an 83 Ford fucking ranger. Two wheel drive, the extra long bed, vinyl seats, five speed. Had a radio, but somebody smashed the window and took it. Oh yeah, ladies.

That's what you're fucking. Your dream boat has arrived. Seinfeld like white sneakers, you know, the high tops coming in. You know, dad jeans that were considered cool back then. Maybe a sweatshirt that said a spirit or whatever the fucking spirit. I don't know. It's a bad fucking image, but it's a true one. I'll tell you what isn't a bad image.

Did you guys watch? Well, I guess it is. If you're a Dallas Stars fan, did you guys watch game seven, seven, seven, seven, seven? The St. Louis Blues. Oh, meet me in St. Louis. Louis. See you at the Western Conference finals. Don't tell me the blues are choking.

This is a different year. Fucking St. Louis Blues. I'm going to repeat this. The St. Louis Blues had a game seven in somebody else's building and not only did they win, they gave them the old right there, Fred. Right there. Five to one. They were up five to nothing at one point.

They were leading the series three to two and they got that fucking. They got their lunch served to them. They got their hats headed, whatever you want to say in game six. All right. Couldn't close them out and then they were going down to Dallas and I don't give a fuck how big of a St. Louis Blues fan you are. You know, goddamn well, you've been slapped in your, in your fucking sports fan face too many times by the St. Louis Blues is dick.

Okay. They do it to every fucking year. They get you excited. You go, oh my God. Here we go. The playoffs right in the face and then it's fucking over. You know it, right? So you probably thinking that they were going to fucking blow it against the black cocks

and holy shit, they came back and they, they did it. Right. So now they get another game seven against the Dallas stars and as much as you say and you're a fan and you believe and you got your little trinkets and you're sitting in your lucky chair in the back of your head. You know it. You're going, these are the blues. They're going to fucking blow this.

And Jesus Christ, did they give you guys an easy ride? Huh? Three to nothing after one, then four to nothing. And I know God damn well when you're rooting for a perennial fucking loser, right? That always breaks your heart. You need five goals. You need five goals to feel comfortable. You know, I remember all of this shit back before we started winning every champion that

championship that exists. Um, yeah, fucking Red Sox. I was comfortable with like a 12, 13 run lead, but not if we were playing the Yankees and it was only the eighth inning prior to 2004. I was not comfortable with it. So, um, what a fucking, they just, they just went down. They just fucking, just everything they threw at the net fucking went in. Even what terracingos that weirdest goal ever is trying to pass it.

He's almost parallel with the net and it did like the magic bullet JFK thing and somehow went into the fucking back of the net and they took that away. And I was like, Oh God, and the fucking stars were flying up and down the aisle. Stars at night, a big and bright deep in the heart of Dallas, right? They're fucking sorry. They're flying all over the fucking ice and I'm like, watch this. Here come the stars. They're going to get the fucking equalizer.

Right. And then it's going to change the whole fucking shape of the game. And then the fucking blues game, they all right there, Fred, two more fucking times. If I remember correctly, and then all of a sudden it was fucking three to nothing and then four to nothing, then five to nothing. And then the fucking stars scored a goal and I said, Oh, shit. Don't even tell me. But then I just started doing the math going like, all right, there's 10 minutes left.

They need four goals. They'd have to score one every two and a half fucking minutes. And then like two and a half minutes went by and then it's like, I'm not doing the math. This is this game is fucking over. And I said the game was over when it was five to nothing. But even though I said that, I wouldn't have left like most of the fucking douchebag fans that were along the boards. Did you see how many fucking fans left?

They're not even fans. Those are all the hookup cunts that just went out to some VIP place afterwards. They really made, they always make the fans of the team look bad because I know the upper deck was still packed. And when the stars lost five to one, everybody was left was standing on their feet applauding them. I'm just letting stars fan. No, I'm not judging your fan based by those fucking the hookup cunts. The ones who know the people at the radio station, the fucking whores that are then going to go to a steakhouse and try to bang some 90 year old guy and fucking get his ATM pin number. I'm not judging you guys by that, you know, when the game's over, they should pan up to the upper deck and see all the fucking die hearts.

But, um, sad to see the stars go. Obviously they got some net mind of problems and Sagan didn't play the whole fucking. He didn't play the whole playoffs. I'll tell you right now, that's why the Bruins, that's why the Bruins got rid of him. Gonna make myself feel better. That's why we got rid of him. We knew we'd all get your 30 40 goals during the regular season. Where is he in the playoffs?

What happened to him? What happened to him? Did he sprain one of his abs dancing with his shirt off and some fucking one of those coyote ugly bars? That's what the fuck he was doing when he was playing with us. I don't even know what that's true. That's what the rumor was. All right, here we go. Let me see here.

Tyler Sagan injury. What happened to him? Well, then if I can never gonna say he's got a lower body in the waist area injury injured stars Tyler Sagan's makes progress, but not enough. A lower body injury. They always say that it's always a lower body body injury. That means you fucked up your shoulder. You know, because if they say what it is, then these fucking animals will actually actually go after it. So yeah, Tyler Sagan was a fucking no show to you right now.

Mark Messier, he would have got his ass out on the ice. Oh yeah. You know, not Tyler Sagan, you know, he's just a little fucking underwear model. I'm fucking with you. Who am I kidding? I mean, one time I fucking blocked a wrist shot and pick up hockey and I was limping for like fucking 10 days. All right, that's the level of pussy I am. So I'm just fucking around with Dallas star fans here.

But congratulations to the Blues tonight. Predators San Jose. Game seven. And I don't know who I want to win. I like I love the predators because I don't know. I just like their fucking unis and squish them, whatever. Get the south into fucking hockey. And there's something about this is something funny about the sharks choking every year.

And I don't know why, but I just do not respect San Jose as a sports town. I just can't do it. You know, I don't respect it because none of you have the balls to live downtown. You all live outside. You know, when you're safe, little houses on the high and they're all made out of tiki tech. And we're afraid to go downtown. Oh my God, is that a trolley? You have a fucking trolley going through the center of town.

How much more quaint do they have to make it? I'm just fucking with you downtown San Jose is no joke. In fact, I remember the comedy club that somebody got shot and killed. It was fucking hilarious. And then the comedians like I forget who the fuck it was that week, but it was. They took the picture and they had like the whole improv like marquee out front with the name of the comedian. You know, probably had some wacky photo there and then they just have a body with like a, you know, goddamn blanket over it. So I understand that.

But then I was thinking what would be cool is if the sharks and the blues play each other, then somebody will finally sort of break their curse to get to the finals. I don't know if the sharks have ever made a final. And I don't know if the blues, I don't, I can't remember the last time the blues did. The last one I remember was they was against the fucking Boston Bruins and I wasn't even really old enough to even have watched that. They might have done it sometime in the 90s or in the 2000s, but I was doing so much standup. I missed a lot of hockey back then. So let's look this up. St. Louis Blues.

Last finals. Yeah, I don't think they've been in it in forever. Last finals appearances. All right. St. Louis Blues. Financial problems and playoff streak. 1970, 1987. Let's see.

List of blues seasons. I don't need this shit. It's too much here. Stanley Cup Champions. That's a big goose egg conference champion. I think that's a goose egg too. No, it isn't because they've been to the finals. Conference Champions.

Stanley Cup Champions. They won't have it. Come on. You know what? Somebody just texted me this because I don't want to fucking... This is year by fucking year. Somebody actually looks at this shit. Well, actually aren't you looking at...

Well, this isn't what the fuck I wanted to look at. Season was shortened due to the strike in 94, 95, 2000. I thought I answered to ask the question pretty fucking clearly. St. Louis Blues, Blues History. Do I have to hit pause? Does so-and-so got to smack a bitch? Remember that from fucking... Stanley Cup Finals record.

Here we go. St. Louis Blues. Stanley Cup. You know, I'd go fuck yourself. Fuck you, internet. Every once in a while. I thought you had all the answers. At least somebody making an attempt to give me one.

Isn't that how it works? So whatever. I think... I think I almost want the sharks to win tonight because... I don't know. Just stand out there. Dude with the fucking crazy beard, you know? That could be fun to watch.

Back and forth there. Blues Predators, you know? I don't know. That's almost like a subway series of southern cities. St. Louis is a southern city. They try to act like they're fucking from the Midwest. Yeah, go there and talk to some people. Jesus Christ.

Everybody there's got overalls. It's fucking unbelievable, you know? And they got a Budweiser right in that little fucking pocket. I'm kidding they don't. All right. Oh, by the way. Tomorrow. Boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. My gym is done tomorrow. My gym is done tomorrow. And Old Freckles is going to turn into Joe fucking Weta. No, I'm going to get my fucking ass in shape here. Because I am in writer's room shape right now. And I'm dealing with sciatica. Sciatica, oh, oh, oh.

Which is almost gone. I've been taking my anti-inflammatory drugs and doing all these fucking stretches. I didn't even have to go to a chiropractor. But maybe I'll go. I don't know. Nia keeps telling me to go. So maybe I'll go.

But anyways, I got my fucking, I got my fucking atomic holds, you know? I got my pegboard. I got a speed bag for Nia. And then I got a bench. I got a fucking squat rack. I got a pull-up bar. I got a dip thing.

And then I also got my climbing rope. So there we go. And all I got to do is take my dog for a walk around the block from my cardio. Nothing fucking crazy. Not beating up the knees or the feet. You know, eat a salad every day like some fucking yoga instructor, right?

Lay off the booze. That ain't happening. Lay off the cigars. That might happen. I have, I'm smoking two in June. And then I think I'm done until October. And if I do that, then I'll only have smoked 10 for the year.

And I even think that's too many. I just think it's too many. I'd like to be, I'd like to smoke six a year. This is what I'm going to do next year. All right. It's going to be, I'm smoking New Year's Day at the Rose Bowl. I'm going to smoke at the Super Bowl.

Then I'm not smoking until my birthday in June. And then I'm going to smoke once a year. I go to a big college football game. I'm going to smoke then. And then that's it. I smoke four a year. I fucking enjoy the shit out of it, but I don't blow out my jaw, my tongue,

my throat or any of that stuff. I don't need that. I don't need that in my fucking life. So, speaking of which, you should probably ask yourselves at this point. So Bill, what is the big college football game you're going to this year? I'll tell you right now,

we're going to get sideways down the games field. Florida Gators taking on the LSU Tigers with their brand new head coach, Willie fucking Wonka, whoever the fuck he is. I don't know who he is. I'm beyond excited to go down there to the swamp. I actually really like love both those programs.

I mean, I liked the Florida Gators way back. I would always thought that orange helmet with the blue shirt was just fucking was the shit. Somewhere along the line, moving out to Los Angeles, college football coming on so early and I had the time to watch it instead of driving at gigs on Saturday.

I got into LSU with the mad hatter as coach and I don't know, that's going to be a tough one. I don't know who to root for in that one. I want to go LSU, but I don't want to be that cunt that goes to somebody's stadium and fucking roots against the home team. I mean, it's not like I'm that fucking emotionally invested

to be a douchebag. You know, I'm just going to go there and just hope it's a good game. Anyway, so I don't know where I'm going to be performing, but somewhere in that area, that area and really fucking looking forward to that. So I don't know, so two more cigars in June and then I'm going to be done for a while.

Allegedly. Yeah, right, Bill. Like you're going to go to fucking Europe. They're going to just have any Cuban cigar you want. You're not going to go in and smoke one. But if I'm over there for 10 days and I just smoke one, that's okay, right? All right, let's read a little bit of advertising here.

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That's ScoreBig.com promo code BR. ScoreBig.com promo code BR. All right, let's talk attempted suicides here, shall we? Yesterday, a man in a green Celtics sweatshirt climbed up the KTLA TV tower. And interestingly enough, we're riding Ephis for family not too far away. So we saw all of the helicopters but couldn't see the guy. And so out here, you know, in LA, they show everything live on the news, except now when they think somebody's going to die.

So, you know, because a long time ago, they showed this guy was trying to kill himself and he tried to light himself on fire and like his Suzuki Samurai, it didn't work. And then he got out of the fucking car. He had a fucking 12 gauge shotgun. He got on his knees, put it under his fucking chin and blew his fucking head off on TV and like kids were home from school. It happened like 3.30 in the afternoon. So like we can't do that shit anymore, right?

So what do we do? We put on periscope and God knows there's people fucking filming the shit. And the dude's up there. So immediately, by the way, he doesn't die. I wouldn't be doing this if the guy died. He's fucking up there, right? And which I think is all a big sign saying that Kevin Durant is going to come to the Celtics. He's leaving Oklahoma, all right?

He's had enough of you wholesome racist people out there. He would like to perform in front of some unwholesome racist people in Boston. That's what I feel. Anyways, so the guys climbed up the KTLA tower. They're trying to get him down. They got a couple of fucking air mattresses or whatever the fuck they put down there. And he climbs up and over the five. And it was amazing.

The guy was up there for three fucking hours. And I got to tell you, I'd be lying to you if I didn't start thinking about survivor because it really seemed like one of their challenges where you always have to stand on like a fucking, I don't know, like a bamboo pole with one foot, you know, balancing a teacup on your head. It kind of seemed like that after a while, like how the fuck would somebody stay up there that long? And he was up there smoking cigarettes and taking phone calls and shit. And all I could think was if I was going to kill myself, I would never jump off something. You know what I mean?

There's too much time to think about what you just did on the way down, right? This just and it's just no way. I even know it's right the old right there, Fred. It's just immediately fucking over. It's just the fucking mess. You know, it's like, come on, man, you know, not somebody's got to clean it. That's the last thing you do. Everybody said that you're dead and then you leave a giant fucking mess.

Somebody's got to come over there with a fucking wet vac and try to clean up the goddamn scene. And God knows, you know, when you jump off of something, it's usually not your house. You know, it's nobody really has a house big enough to jump off of and die. They usually land in the grass, right? So all you do is just break your fucking legs or some shit and separate your fucking shoulder. That's saying you can't jump off a house and die. But I'm just saying, you know, you want to make sure you die, which means you're going to go to some place. That's a little higher up some sort of public structure with concrete and there's people walking by, right?

It's just such a selfish fucking way to do it, right? People coming up the goddamn street, you know, hey, I'm so excited to go see everybody wants some. I wasn't alive in the 80s, but I'd like to see Hollywood's version of it, right? It's just like these last two weeks, it's just been so wonderful. It's just all over the fucking place. So anyway, I just, you know, and then the worst part is if you jump and you actually fucking live, you know what I mean? And then your feet appointed in every fucking direction except the way they're supposed to, you know, and then you got to go around being the inspirational speaker, you know, with a specially designed fucking wheelchair,

you know, for somebody who has feet, you know, that point in every fucking direction. I don't know, some sort of, I think at that point they just have you, they wheel you in like Hannibal Lecter. And then you got to be like, just standing there, you know, with your custom sneakers talking to some fucking group of people about, you know, why you have so much to, what a fucking way to find out that you got so much to live for. It's never the fucking answer. You know what I mean? Because it's bad. Think about somebody depressed in St. Louis. As bad as their fucking life is, the St. Louis Blues made the Western Conference fucking finals. I mean, yeah, if you killed yourself, you wouldn't have seen that, you know, and then you can't go down to the bar.

Everybody's in a good mood and all of a sudden some hot chick with the St. Louis Blues t-shirt tied off at the fucking naval comes over, gives you a hug. You're like, oh wow, that's what life's all about. Getting a hug from a hot chick and going home and rubbing one out to her. Ah, I can't believe I almost jumped off that fucking distillery. You know, what I'm trying to say is don't fuck, I can always, don't kill yourself. All right, this has been a public service announcement. I'm going to lie to you if I didn't fucking look up worse ways to kill yourself. I found this fucking website and the unfortunate thing was the person tried to be funny rather than just presenting them.

They tried to put their own funny spin on it like I'm about to, right? All right, seven most unusual ways to kill yourself. All right, number one, this guy tried to kill himself by eating a Bible. The doctor said I was not strong enough to pull the object out of the guy's throat. I don't believe that that's true. I don't believe somebody ate a Bible. I think that's one of those, not the creationist, the other fucking people. What's the other people there? I don't fucking know. If you don't believe in creationism, you believe in what? A big bang-ism person?

I don't fucking know. Anyway, it's the next one. Guy killed himself in prison by stuffing toilet paper down his throat. That's how bad prison is, you know what I mean? And, you know, if you ever saw a Shawshank Redemption, that seems like the better way to go and a more pleasing thing to have in an orifice. Sorry. Number five, this guy in Singapore worked at the zoo, wanted to kill himself. Natural way to do it. Why take a bunch of sleeping pills and go peacefully

when you can walk into the tiger cage? I bet that's nice and quick too. You know, I've always wanted a pet a tiger too, so I think you can get one quick pedant before you fucking grab you by your throat, give you a nice shake. You just go to sleep. It's like getting put into the sleeper hole by one of the UFC guys, except they would do it with their mouth. Number four, this woman drank Drano and that's disgusting. That's not a funny one. Here's the one, a guy decapitated himself. He got into an Austin Martin tied a rope around his neck, you know, did a burnout.

That's it. I guess he was trying to get revenge on his wife. I don't know how that works. You know what I mean? Because there was a lot of the cleaners today. They could literally bleed out in a car like that and they can get, you know. You ever see that Pimp My Ride? They could take that Austin Martin down there in a fucking day. They had all the materials. They could take that interior out, put it back in, and no one would ever know that you ripped your fucking head off. Although I wonder what happened to the car. Sort of just kept going.

That's another one. Now what if someone was coming up the street doing their fucking paper route? No one does a paper route anymore. It's an adult job. All right. It's one guy tried to kill himself. He had to shoot himself three fucking times. That's not funny. Then another guy went out into the woods. He handcuffed himself to a tree and then threw the fucking key away. And then they could tell that he struggled to try to free himself. See, that's why you never do it. Nobody ever fucking killed themselves except for a guy in jail. Where you just like, I mean, I might spend the rest of my life fighting off fucking people trying to stab me or fuck me.

I mean, that's when you got it. That's when God's like, all right, I get it. I get it. No worries. No, you don't got to explain it. Come on in. Come on in. You did your time. All right, I can't end on suicide. All right, let's go with the prediction here. All right. Tonight, having watched zero predators or San Jose sharks games this year, having watched maybe three minutes of that entire series, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, I can't pay. I'm not seeing that. You know, I'm trying to close my eyes and see the winner

that I believe that the winner of tonight's game is going to be I'm going to say the predators. And the only reason why I'm saying the president predators is because the St. Louis Blues were the away team and they won and our two home teams going to lose a game seven on back to back nights. Okay. And that's the type of philosophy right there. Why Vegas always wins because there's not an ounce of intelligence in what I just said. All right, I'm picking the predators. That's it. All right. Oh, freckles has to go to the has to go to work and my gym's going to be finished tomorrow. So starting Saturday.

Oh, Billy beefcake will be coming to a, coming to a town near you with my overdeveloped freckled pecs. Right. All of that type of shit. My sciatic is going to be cured by then. I just don't sit down anymore. You know, of course, that's going to lead to some sort of feet problem. But anyways, thank you for listening as always and thank you for all the great emails I got on Monday. I'm glad you guys enjoy when my wife comes on and fucking shits on me, you know, I actually like it too. It makes me laugh. I enjoy it even though she's a pain in the ass. All right, that's it. So please enjoy the music and we're going to give you another half hour of a classic podcast from from a year going by in a place I can't remember. Hey.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast that I am doing on Tuesday. At 11, 20 in the morning, East Coast time. I can believe that we're going to be slipping. You know, no excuse. Actually, I do have an excuse. It was my girlfriend's birthday yesterday. So I was being a great boyfriend, paying attention to her and someone had to suffer. You know what I mean? It's like a threesome. Someone always feels left out. No matter how much you try to pay attention. Oh, my kid. And I never had threesome before. I could have had one once. I think twice. The first time I didn't realize that it was going down. I was so young and stupid. I was actually sitting there and I was thinking, why won't her roommate leave? You know, the fuck. And it wasn't until like literally seven years later, I went, oh, wait a minute. She wasn't leaving because fuck. And then the other time I was right there on the table and one girl was absolutely gorgeous and the other one was not gorgeous.

Let's put it that way. It was so not gorgeous that she eclipsed the beauty of the other one. You know? So there you go. Hey, you learned something about me right off the damn bat? Okay. Well, this is what we're going to do this week on the podcast. If you guys are new to this shit, new to my page, I do one of these every goddamn week and people ask me questions and I try to answer them. And other than that, I babble. I give you information about my life and that's it. I'm fucking out of it. All right? I drank last night. Okay, I was celebrating. I actually went to this goddamn restaurant in New York and went to Bobbo and a big fan of Mario Batali, but I like Looper better. Bobbo was just too, it was too, my palate was not sophisticated enough. All right, I'll take the blame. Jesus Christ, it was like regular dishes with shit you'd never eat. I had beef cheek ravioli. Yeah, why don't you fucking take that in for a minute. All right? And they had, you know, they had like pheasant face fucking lasagna, you know what I mean? It was always like half what you would have heard of.

Like goose liver fucking souffle. So I don't know. It was, it was good, but Looper is the shit. That's the one that I like. That's got like fucking, you know, regular animal body parts that you eat mixed in with fucking rigatoni. Oh, what the fuck are you going to do? You know, you try shit. You know, she wanted to go there fucking took it there and that's what happened. I ate two cupcakes for breakfast. What do you think about that? It was sitting there left over from the party. And I said, that's a great way to start my day. Let me give myself 9000 calories of straight sugar. It was unreal. It was like I did an eight ball. That's where I ate the two cupcakes for 20 minutes. I was just sitting there thinking how fucking great I was. I'm like, I'm fucking awesome. I could do anything I want. I'm fucking the greatest. And 20 minutes later when the sugar started wearing off, oh my God, I started pulling the drapes closed, laying in here like, I don't know.

I don't know. Don't ever start your day with fucking two cupcakes after you had a beef cheek, fucking ravioli, beef cheek. I was like, cheek like the ass? You being cute there? Like, no. They actually know what I didn't have the fucking balls to ask them. I didn't want to know I was eating somebody's face, eating a yak face. Yeah, let me get the yak taint ragoon. All right, let's continue with the continuing story of American Airlines. If you listened to my podcast last week, these cheap ass motherfuckers at American Airlines, you know, they alligator armed the fucking food up in first class. You know what I mean? They had 20 people in first class and they made five omelets. The next thing you know, I was eating a bowl of total over in Nebraska. Actually, no, that's not what happened. Just to give you the quick synopsis, I said, fuck you and your honeycomb cereal. This is first class.

If I don't get a goddamn omelet, I don't want anything. I said all of that with a little less anger and no curses. So a few seconds later, the guy came back. All of a sudden, magically, he has an omelet and I'm like, wait, did you get that? And he informs me that the pilot said he already ate so I could have his omelet. And I was like, I don't want his fucking omelet. I want my omelet. All right. I don't want a starving pilot, you know, passing out up there, seeing bogeys leaning forward on the goddamn yolk. Whatever you call it. All right. So I sent them a letter and this is the letter that they sent back to me. And I swear to God, you know, back in the day, if something like this ever happened and you actually wrote a letter, you could, at the very least, they give you a free airline ticket. And when I say back in the day, I mean like 2005, 2006, now they don't give a shit. They just keep apologizing profusely. This is the dumb ass letter they sent back to me. I'm only going to read you part of it because they just keep saying the same thing over and over again.

Okay. I'm going to get the hiccups. I think I have sugar hiccups. I'm starving down two cupcakes. Hang on a second. Hello. Yeah, I'm going to check out about like 15 minutes. Okay. Thank you. Jesus, I didn't say anything. She said, hello. I said, yeah, I'm going to check out 15 minutes at which point she could have said, okay, or Odele, you know, but no, she just closes the door. All right. Okay. Here's the fucking, what do we got here? This is the letter that American Airlines sent me. Okay. Dear Mr. Burr, thank you for contacting American Airlines. It's our privilege to respond to your message. Okay. First of all, right there, they already pissed me off. Okay. Don't, don't start with off with your fucking stock line like your Jackie Gleason, you know. Thank you for writing us in a way we go, you know, a little shemin' off the buffalo. Okay. I'm very sorry to hear of your disappointment with us and regret that you did not receive your preferred entree when you traveled with us in the first class cabin.

See how soulless this is? Because we want your travel experience or improving premium cabins to be truly something special. We do our best to cater our entrees to elections so that we can serve each customer the entree they prefer. This is the part which is just complete bullshit. Okay. They want to make sure that they serve the entree that I prefer. You know, you know, you can do that, bring enough fucking eggs on the flight. This is what they write. To do so, we determine which entrees are selected most often and provision accordingly. That's such fucking bullshit. I mean, didn't they watch Jurassic Park when Jeff Goldblum did his little rant about chaos theory? You think you take ten flights or a hundred flights and you figure out, oh, you know, seven people want the omelette and, you know, nine people want something else. That's such bullshit. First of all, nobody wants the fucking cereal. No one wants cereal in first class. Okay. You fucking drop $1,500 or whatever the hell it is. $850 on ticket. You want something of substance.

I'm sick of bitching about this. All I know is in the end of it, I end up flying fucking in middle seat to fucking Dallas and all I got was a $150 voucher, which will pay for one-third. They didn't give me anything. Mr. Barrow, we are not unmindful of the inconvenience of you. Well, how the fuck would you be unmindful? I wrote you a goddamn letter. As hard as we are trying to deliver on respecting your time by operating our flights as scheduled, it just wasn't possible this time. Again, we apologize for the disruption of your travel plans. We're not giving you shit. Please fly with us again soon. We'll do our best to get you to your destination as planned. Really, you're going to do your best. That's what you can give me, American Airlines. Well, gee, you know, we're going to try. That's a comforting attitude to have when they're going to be flying the fucking 36,000 feet off the goddamn ground. Oh, do I sound like a cunt this week? That's basically it. That's the next level that they've taken it to, where it used to be like, okay, we fuck you over and the stewardess gives you a handjob.

You know, that was 1975. Then in the 80s, it was, you know, we'll give you a free ticket and a skinny Michael J. Fox tie. Remember those things, you know, when you had a little spiked out mullet? And they had LASA for a good 20 years. And somewhere in the last four or five years, it became, we're going to fuck you over and go fuck yourself. What do you think about that? Go fuck yourself. It was 299 other people on the plane that didn't complain. What are you going to do? Take the train? It's going to take you nine days to get to New York. Go fuck yourself. You know you're coming back. It's just eggs. Get over yourself. And you know what? They got me over goddamn barrel, sons of bitches. What am I going to do? Flight ATA? You know, mean a fucking, I don't know what, in a goddamn chicken. Actually, I think ATA recently went out of business. You have a flying airline and then, you know, you're like, eh, you know, it's kind of weird flight. You know, there was a crack in the inner window. Actually, that happened to me on ATA, one of the windows. You know, they got like the double pane of glass. They got the one on the outside, the outside of the plane, and then they have the one on the inside, the extra level one. And that one was cracked. And I believe there was a little bit of water in there. And I said to the stewardess, I was like, woman, there's a fucking crack in the goddamn window over here. I'm afraid I'm going to get sucked out once we get above 6,000 feet. She said, it's like, no, it's okay. It's still in the glass.

You know, so I didn't feel bad when they went out of business. Now I kind of feel bad because now there's no other option. I guess that's my other option. You know, I sit there and I take it on American Airlines and they go, go fuck yourself. All right? We're going to give you a brand muffin. I hope you brought some water. Or I fly another airline when their inner window is cracked and no one thinks it's a concern. The inner window is cracked. Well, that's why we got two of them. All right. This podcast is just a clusterfuck. Let's get to some podcast questions that I didn't even have the time to fucking look at this week. Actually, that's not true. I went to look at them and somebody, I don't know what's going on with my MySpace page. I don't know if anybody else has had this problem, but I ended up being able to really add anybody for about a year. You know, every couple of days I'll get about 45 requests. I'll accept them. And then a day later, I have 47 people taking off my page.

And it's like, really? Were all those people spammers? I don't know what's going on. So I'm having somebody look at my account. The only question I can remember, I can't even remember, was something about fucking, you know, what movies do I find scary? Well, you know what? If you turned my flight on American Airlines into a movie, I would have found that fucking scary. What movies do I find scary? Anything that involves a crazy woman? I think the scariest movie is when I first got cable in the early 80s, when I had tight jeans and pony high tops that just met the bottom of my jeans and no one complained. Because somehow you could get away with that back then. I remember the first Friday the 13th when Jason came up out of the lake. That scared the shit out of me. And there was another one. Here's one for you. Okay, I got a podcast question for you guys.

There was a movie I saw, Late Night Cable. And I can't remember what the fuck it was. But somehow there was somebody skating across a pond in slow motion with an axe. And I believe, for some reason, the monster I'm picturing is from that, I know this isn't it, but the picture in my mind is, what is that monster book? Where the wild things are. You remember what those monsters look like? In my memory, that's what the monster looked like skating across the fucking lake. And I know it isn't that, but I know somebody. One of my 14 listeners out there has to be a fucking horror film, whatever the fuck. What do you call someone who's really into horror films? A geek. Yeah, exactly. A horror film fucking geek. There was that one and there was another one I was just thinking of and I just sat up and I can't remember it.

I'm getting to that fucking age. I literally just moved my brain a little bit and the thought just went away. Wait a second, what the fuck was I just thinking? Let me lay back down, let me see it'll come back to me. Okay, I was talking about, okay, we got to go back in time. I was talking, okay, the lake, the wild things are. See, this is how my brain works. It works linear. Once I go past the moment, I can't go back. It's like a fucking traffic jam. What the fuck was I trying to think of? Ah, shit. I don't know. Oh, I got it. Bam. There we go. Dark Knight of the Scarecrow. I like the old horror movies. Okay, this is what, you know what I don't like about new horror movies? With that CGI shit, they can do so much insane stuff with computers that they forgot how to build suspense.

The old ones, they used to build it up. They used to build up the moment where the monster was going to jump out at you because they had to because it was just a guy in a rubber fucking suit. You know what I mean? But now that they can make it look like Godzilla is stepping on New York, they forgot how to build suspense. That's what I don't like about fucking horror movies now. And that's, I think Japanese, I don't know. Everybody over in Asia seems to know how to fucking do that, but nobody over here does. Even like thrillers, whatever the fuck, whatever a goddamn thriller is. Take that movie, A Perfect Storm. They had that goddamn big wave. That's all they showed in the trailer, so everybody goes out to run out and see it, and then they don't develop any of the goddamn characters.

There's a point that I don't give a fuck about anybody in the movie, so by the end of the movie, I'm actually praying for the wave. I can't wait for them to kill George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg and all those other guys because I don't give a fuck about their characters because they haven't done anything to make me give a fuck. They just had a couple people speak in Boston accent and you stick them on a tugboat and I'm supposed to give a shit. They're gonna die trying to get lobster. I'm just in a bad mood. I'm in a bad fucking mood today. You know what it is? It's a goddamn, don't ever start your day with two fucking cupcakes. It seems like such a great idea, you know, like, oh, I'm eight years old.

This is what you'd want to do, but your parents never let you, you know? And now I'm 39 in 51 weeks. And finally, the dream that I thought was gonna happen, you know? Oh, it did happen and it just doesn't play out right. Oh my god, how did I forget this shit? I know I forgot it because I have fucking two cupcakes worth of sugar in my brain. I actually had a crazy week. How crazy was it, Bill?

I flew into New York on Wednesday. I did Opie and Anthony show Thursday morning. Then I did my show at Caroline's in New York Thursday night. I got up Friday morning, got on a plane, flew back to LA. I did the guy's choice awards on my TV. I met all these famous people. They were all cool. I had a great time. I met Nikki Six. I was way more thrilled.

And the after party was at the fucking Playboy mansion. And I know what you're thinking, oh my god, Playboy fucking mansion. That must have been unbelievable. I quickly realized when I got there, there's two kinds of parties at the Playboy mansion. There's the You're Famous, and you can come by Wednesday afternoon and actually meet the broads that are in the magazine. And then there's the one that I went to where it's like, yeah, why don't you guys all just stand in my backyard?

I literally thought I was going to show up to the mansion. It was going to be like me and eight other people. And just four Playboy bunnies each, just rubbing on my chest. Hey there, big boy. I heard you're a comedian. Now, they just had the... It was definitely the B team of Playboy bunnies. Those little bunny suits on in the rabbit ears, let me tell you something. They were grade A hooter girls.

And you could tell there was three of them who were clearly being paid to frolic in the pool. And any girl with bunny ears had like nine guys around her. It was a fucking sausage fest. And this is a funny thing. Nobody was hitting on them. They were standing there with their fucking cameras out, taking pictures. Like they were Disneyland and they ran into Donald Duck or something. It was pathetic.

And Hugh Hefner was roped off with his three fucking girlfriends, 83 years old, man. That was the only thing I wanted to do. I just wanted to go in there and shake his hand and then immediately stick my hand in bleach to get the unbelievable smell of 50 years of pussy off of my hand. And then fly back. But he was busy, I understand.

He had to meet famous fucking people. But still, it was shit. And then I flew back the next day, six in the fucking morning. I landed in New York at about 4.30. I got my bag. I went over to Caroline's and I did three fucking shows. And then I went out drinking afterwards. And that's the kind of thing that leads you to be in a country mood on a Tuesday morning.

I did all of that and then I ate two cupcakes. So I don't even question my fucking mood. All right, so there you go. That was my week. Went to a party at the Playboy Mansion. I could stand up on my first award show. When is it going to be yet, you ask? Why, I'll tell you.

It's going to be on June 22nd. And I had a great time doing the set, even though most of the crowd was a pay crowd. You know, good looking people, hot chicks texting each other. Oh my God, when is this going to be over? This is ridiculous. I want to blow Jeremy Pippin. It's going to be on June 22nd.

And this week, coming up this week, I'm going to be at Good Nights Comedy Club in Raleigh, North Carolina. You can go to billburr.com and get all the fucking information. And later on this month, I'm going to be at the punchline in Atlanta. Hot Lana, the brothers call it. And I think that date is June 19th or something like that. I don't fucking know. I can't get on this hotel internet.

And I have to check out 19 fucking minutes. So I got to go apologize for the podcast being a day late and forgive my countenance on this podcast. I'm going to blame it on the sugar from the two cupcakes. What a fucking half a fag. It starts the day with two cupcakes. So they call me Billy Two Cupcakes. Billy Cupcake.

All right, you guys have a good week. Please keep the podcast questions coming. Sorry about this week, man. I don't know what's going on with my fucking page, but please keep them coming and let people know about my podcast. And thanks to everybody who came out to my shows in May, in Philadelphia, Chicago, and New York City. All right, you guys all have a good week.

I'll talk to you later. Bye. I feel more so breaking the beat. Waiting for something meaningful. Something that's in between. Well, I feel it's been gone so long. Don't seem to take. Wander and roll and suit as the moments that come.

Are with you. Oh, Grace. Oh, Grace. You're lying. We don't get along. Get along. So I can die. Really, I'm just a man and bone.

Try and die in your cage. Baby, you're something beautiful. You're something that's in between. Get along. Get along and die. You just ask my blues. Well, they don't mean you lose. I don't want to lose.

I don't want to lose. I don't want to lose.