Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-12-22

Episode Date: May 12, 2022

Bill rambles about dented cars, reverse cameras, and playoffs. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Night Moves - Feel Another Day -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtlvSLIgmBg

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? How are you? Oh, do I have a story to tell you? Oh, do I have a story to tell you? Hang on a second. Are you leaving? Yeah. Oh. All right. Bye.

Say goodbye. Huh? All right. I'll see you later. Sorry. Dad's going on the road. On the road again. Chicka-boom, chicka-boom, boom, boom.

Going up to fucking Sacktown again. You gave me the we're just friends. Hug? Well, I'm doing a podcast. Pat, pat, hug. I don't want to give the pat, pat. I was supposed to give you a hug and all this before you started.

Yeah, but you didn't. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye. Doing a podcast. All right. See you later.

Look good, Nene. Thank you. All right. So. Oh, Freckles. What does he do? What does he do? I fucking.

All right. I'll tell you what happened a few weeks ago, and then you'll guess what I'm about ready to tell you. So I fucking finally got my car fixed. All right. Because my beautiful son closed the frigging gate on it as I was backing out. You know, all of a sudden I just heard the gate hit my car. I'm like, how the hell did I hit the gate?

I've never hit the gate in my life. I looked, it wasn't there. And then I looked up and my son was just pressing down on the remote control with like every fiber of his being. It was hilarious with this crazy fiber of his being it was hilarious with this crazy look on his face as toddlers do when they're trying to you know do something that requires a little bit of effort right so all right so it fucks up my door my side view mirror whatever and i was shooting the movie so my car is fucked up the entire time i'm doing the movie

and i'm one of those guys some people get a dent in their car and they don't ever get it fixed. I'm not one of those people. I go down, I get it fucking fixed. I'm not riding around in a goddamn jalopy. I never understood why parents just let their cars go to shit. You know? And look, if you don't have the fucking money to fix it, I get that. But when you have the money to fix it, and you're just content to drive around with a big fucking dent in the side of your car, I just think it says something about you. You know?

That, you know, you're there to do the job, but if you don't quite do it great, you're all right with it. As long as it kind of gets done. I don't like it. You know what I mean? It's like someone who wears a short-sleeved dress shirt underneath a sport coat, and you're looking at their wrists, you know,

when they go to reach for something instead of their shirt. There's just a sloppiness to it. All right? And I think it reflects on how people see you, the way you present yourself. So anyway, I finally get my car fixed. I'm fucking psyched. I got it back two weeks ago.

Last night, I go down to the Avalon, drive all the way over there. It's a premiere for the George Carlin documentary done by the incredible Mike Bonfiglio. And they're having a premiere for it. It's old freckles. You know, ran his yap in that dock for a little bit. They asked me to come down to premiere, and I said, absolutely. It's George Carlin.

Know him. Know me. He's on the Mount Rushmore. Of course I'm going to go down there. So I go down there, my beautiful car with no dents, nice clear wrap on it to save the paint.

I fucking go over. I do the red carpet, you know, answering all the questions, standing there, doing the fucking step and repeat, the whole thing. Then all of a sudden, this guy comes up to me.

He goes, hey, you drive the blah, blah, blah? And I said, yeah. He said, oh, man. I go, why? He goes, somebody just backed into it. I go, you got to be fucking kidding me. You got to be fucking kidding me. I just got the fucking thing fixed.

And I'm going over there. You fucking got to be. And I walk over. I'm looking at the doors. Everything's fine. He goes, no, it's on the front. And I go around the front, there's all this white shit,

streak mark on the front, and he got the fucking, the cover to the front light. Fuck that up too. Right? And then this guy gets out, nice enough person, right?

Dressed like fucking Clark Kent. Sport coat and everything. He goes, oh, sorry. I'm like, what happened? He goes, I was backing in. I just want to be like, how the fuck did you hit it? How the fuck did you hit my car? There's backup cameras in cars, and they got the fucking sensor that beeps.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep beep beep beep beep stop you fucking moron and he still backs into my fucking car fucking talking what the fuck were you doing i just was like look i don't want to fucking do so i just like all right whatever he goes you want to exchange papers it's like I don't want to continue this relationship I've known you for fucking eight seconds and you backed into my car why do I want to know who you are I'm like no forget it and he's like oh it's gonna say I'm a big fan of your comedy oh I'm sure he's a nice enough guy but that fucking guy if you're listening you fucking at driving, and there is no excuse for that. You have a fucking backup camera. And it's not like he just dinged it.

He fucking banged into it. I don't know. I don't fucking know. I don't like. I have to tell you, it is better because back in the day when I first moved out here and i had my prius i couldn't keep the bumpers looking nice every time i get them fixed like fucking within a week somebody would would bump into them you know parking or whatever but since then since the backup camera is like that shit's not supposed to happen it's supposed to be fail safe so whatever whatever he did say let's exchange papers but i i'd never do that

it's like i don't want to get involved in all of that then my person has to call your person and then your person says this and then my person says that and then everybody has to circle back and then talk it's just like just fuck Fuck it. I'll go down there. I'll go down to those sons of bitches that fixed my fucking car. And, you know, and they tell me what it's going to be. And then I go down there with the credit card and they say, no, my friend, you said it was going to be cash. And I said, no, I didn't. And they said, my friend, this is what we have down there. First of all, we're not friends. We're not friends we're not friends you're what we're friends because you fixed my car you know this isn't mad max you know when we're in the middle of the desert then then we could do that fucking bro handshake where instead of shaking hands we fucking grab each

other's forearms all right but as long as society is still working and people still believe in the dollar you just provided a service so we're're not friends. Okay, my friend? Anyway, I love when you go to those places and they only want cash. Don't you always immediately just feel like you're looking over your shoulder, like somebody's going to come run in here and try to rob this place? You know, like the other day, we'll call it last night, we stopped off at the weed store. You know, I'm not a big weed guy but you know occasionally i partake i don't like smoking it's weird i'll smoke a cigar but i don't like taking it into my lungs coughing my fucking brains out so i'm a gummy you know little five i fucking you know

take one i could sit there and deal with you know the real housewives but i don't like doing it a lot because when i do it then i just start doing it every night and then it just you know gets out of control so i just you know i have one of those every once in a while so last night wasn't every once in a while right and um you know we go into the fucking weed store and and I tell you, it still blows my fucking mind that you can walk in there, and there's just all of this weed out in the open, like this shit was illegal for the first 50 years of my life or whatever, I just, it's insane to me, and but I've noticed when you go into those weed stores, it's just like a liquor store, where there's always that feeling, whenever I'm in a liquor store, back in the day when I drank,

whenever I go in a liquor store, there would always be this feeling, especially at night, that I had to do the transaction and get the fuck out of there because at any second, someone was coming in in a ski mask and was going to rob it. I don't like going into businesses that are just cash. And I don't like the weed store too because they fucking scan your driver's license. It's like, what the fuck are we doing here? Yeah, the guy wanted to scan my license last night.

I'm like, I'm not buying anything. He was cool, though. He's like, all right. They're usually like, oh, I can't go to the fucking store unless I know everything about you. It's like, why do you have to scan my driver's license? Like, what is that, what is that for?

You know what I mean? Who do you, what is that, what do they call that? Revenue stream. Where do you sell that to? Who do you have to fucking report to?

This shit's legal. It's fucking legal, but not at a federal level. Right? What are they going to come back and prosecute us after Texas makes weed illegal? After they roll that back? Oh, no fun, Texas. You know, you can't go down there fucking some chick in your goddamn cowboy boots and hat,

busting nut in her, and then get a do-over. Can't do that in Texas anymore. No fun in Texas. I'll tell you right now, if you're not paying state taxes, you're going to keep your baby you had with that fucking woman from the Waffle House. One of the dumbest things in the history of the fucking world

is they're going to roll back Roe v. Wade when there's over 7 billion people on the fucking planet and the whole ocean is full of plastic to the point i don't even eat fish anymore everybody's testing positive for plastic you're fucking literally eating the shit that you didn't need and you ended up throwing out i mean that should be a story on the news every fucking night of how we're going to clean that up. It should be a story on the news every night about how a select group of

fucking greedy cunts turned our entire food supply into poison and now they're trying to force it on the rest of the world. That should be stories. Nope. That's not a fucking story. That's not a story. They'd rather focus on fucking stand-up comedy. You know?

Or talk about the Russians and act like, you know, when they invade a country, they don't do it the right way. But when others, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, invade a country, we do it the right way and no innocent people die. Fuck out of here. Oh, I'm invade a country. We do it the right way and no innocent people die. Fuck out of here. Oh, I'm in a mood. Why, Bill? Because you care about society

or because some fucking four-eyed cunt backed into your fucking car despite having every piece of technology to not make that happen? You know that thing that your parents used to say? You just can't have anything nice. We just can't have anything nice. You just can't have anything nice. That's what I feel like right now.

Whatever. I'll get the car fixed and I'll forget about it. I just don't want to go back to my friends. My friend, my friend, they're going to think that I did it. I'm going to be like, I didn't do it. And they're going to be like, okay, my friend. My friend, it's okay. Did you not have the sensor turned on?

You know I can put on a better sensor, my friend. All right, is it okay if I use my credit card? Of course, my friend. Ten days later when it's done. Okay, you said cash. No, my friend. We said cash. Oh, you know, you paid the card.

It's going to be more money, my friend. my friend we said oh you know you paid the card it's going to be more money my friend um i love my friend because nobody says that you know it's not like you uh you know you go to france bonjour they actually say that i just love how a group of people comes over here and they latch on to shit that is English. And they create these expressions that nobody fucking uses. Like Paul Verzi created. You know? End of the day, you got to find out what that dog has in his...

What is it? You got to see what that dog has in its fucking mouth. And I am determined to turn that into an expression. My friend. Where do I go from here? Red Sox hit a grand slam a couple nights back, right? Rafi Deaver hit a grand slam. We got the bats going.

Everything's looking great. Fucking last night, I'm watching the Red Sox. Trevor Story Trevor finally gets his first fucking home run two run fucking shot dude I think we had a single

and he hits a two run shot to fucking left field or left center or something like that then we get a double we get a single score a run. The guy in the throw to the plate goes to

second base. They end the inning. We're up 3-0. Valdi's fucking killing it. Basically throwing a perfect game through like, you know, three innings and then fourth inning lets up a single

on a quick pitch and then the very next one, guy hits a two-run fucking shot. Then he lets up back-to-back doubles. Then it's fucking 3-3. And here we are again. And here we are again. We end up losing the game 6-3. I can't remember the last time we won two games in a row. And I was really hoping that all of a sudden we were going to turn it around.

We can still win this series, but Jesus Christ. What is our record? We're like 10 and 19 or something. Let's see. What do we got here? The standings. Here they are. I'm enjoying these standings despite the fact that we are in last place.

We're two games behind the Baltimore Orioles. We're playing 355 ball. We're 11 and 20. All right. And as much as I can't stand, I can't stand that the Yankees are in first place, 22 and eight, just tearing through the league. What I do enjoy most about looking at the American League East is the Toronto Blue Jays. Oh, look at them, all their fucking yapping. Last year was the trailer, this year's the movie, and they came out like gangbusters, But they were playing the Red Sox, who we suck so far this year.

They were playing the Orioles. All of a sudden they came, started playing some teams that are going to compete. Where are they now? 17 and 15. 5-31 went 3-7 on their last 10. There you go. Right in the middle of the pack.

Right where you belong. I don't root for the Toronto Blue Jays. I'm not gonna lie to you. I did enjoy that they were talking shit. It did make it fun. But I actually, I'm a Maple Leafs fan. Let's see how they're doing in this series. Last I saw, they were up two games to one. Come on, Maple Leafs. Win a series. They're up three games to two against the defending back-to-back Stanley Cup champions, the ones who stole their colors. The Tampa Bay Lightning are to the Toronto Maple Leafs what the Pittsburgh Penguins are to the Boston Bruins. They're a team that came after, that came in and just took colors that were already taken. They didn't even like change the blue.

It's almost like the same blue. Same thing with the Penguins with this dumb black and gold. You know? And then their argument was like, well, we originally had black and gold with our first fucking team. Yeah, but it didn't make it through the Depression. And then the Bruins came along and they had those colors for like fucking 40 years, you cunts.

Anyway, I'm rooting for the Toronto Maple Leafs. My Boston Celtics lost and we were in the situation I didn't want to be in. Okay? Because I knew at some point we were going to have to beat the Milwaukee Bucks two games in a row. And I said to my buddy, I says to the guy, I says, if we're going to do it,

we have to win game five. So we would have won game four and game five and then split six and seven. I don't see the Milwaukee Bucks losing game six and game seven. I see us winning game six, but we got to do it in their fucking building. Oh, man. I don't know, but the Celtics have a lot of heart, so I think that we can do it. But we had that game and we just sort of let it slip away in the fourth quarter. I got to tell you, by the way, man, I knew Giannis Antetokounmpo was fucking amazing, but something about this series, just watching him play when other guys are hurt,

when he puts the team on his back or whatever, I mean, the guy's got his first step as fast as, as fast as a lot of the point guards in the league. I mean, the guy's fucking unbelievable. I'm not going to lie to you. I actually like that team. And I love that city. And then the Bruins also lose.

The Bruins, after going down 0-2, came back, won the next two in Boston, and then lose pretty soundly down in Carolina. I will say the thing that's been depressing is that the games that Carolina has won, they just look like just head and shoulders a better team than we are. But I'm not giving up on them because we have the perfection line, man. And I've seen them come back time and time again. So all we got to do is win the next one and then it's anybody's fucking game.

And that's what the situation the Celtics are in. So I'm going to age like 400 years over the next like four days as I watch these fucking games six and seven. Well, not four days. NBA will probably drag it out to seven days. But other than that, oh, Billy fucking Red Face is going to be

up in Sacramento, Oakland, and Fresno. And you know what that means? That means quick flights. It's going to be a good time. I feel like I haven't been up there since the pandemic, so I'm kind of excited to go up there. I used to always do the Punchline in Sacramento. There was never a gig in Oakland. I used to always do, at least for a white guy, I used to do the Punchline in San Francisco. And then Fresno.

I haven't done Fresno in a couple years. Fresno is always fun. So I'm looking forward to that. And with that, let's read a little bit of the some advertising here. People, by the way, if you have a backup camera and you have the sensor, just, you know, go on YouTube and learn how to use it. What does it mean when the beeps get faster? What does it mean when the beeps get faster? What does it mean when the beep's going beep? What does that mean? Fucking idiot.

All right, SimpliSafe. You guys know I love the break-in protection that my SimpliSafe home security system gives me. But it's not always outside forces that you need SimpliSafe's protection from. This is Joshua's story. A SimpliSafe customer from Indiana. A few months ago, he fell asleep with pizza rolls still in the oven. Oh, this guy. This guy definitely hit the weed store. This could have been disastrous. Thousands of dollars of damage to his kitchen and

home or worse luckily joshua has a comprehensive simply safe system equipped with everything to prevent break-ins and smoke detectors to snip off sniff out fires i mean that's huge he startled awake to the sound of a 95 decibel alarm from his SimpliSafe base station. Seconds later, he got a call from SimpliSafe professional monitoring. The pizza rolls didn't make it, but Joshua did. That's funny, they call you up. Is there a fire? Yeah, I'm trying to put it out. He believes SimpliSafe probably saved his life that night. Do you have time to take a survey? Once again, I'm trying to put out of protecting people when their guard is down is just one of the reasons more than four million people use and

love simply safe i mean this is it right here guys i mean you you don't want some creep coming into your house you don't want to fucking die of smoke uh in the inhalation is that is it intervention and you know uh you don't want to burn to death. Wouldn't it be great if you could fucking get something like that to protect you from that for under a dollar a day? Well, with the comprehensive SimpliSafe system and 24-7 professional monitoring, you always have someone looking out for you. Plans cost under a dollar a day

with no long-term contracts or hidden fees ever. You can customize the perfect system for your home in just a few minutes at simplpliSafe.com slash BRRRR. Go today and claim a free indoor security camera. Plus 20% off with interactive monitoring. Go to SimpliSafe.com slash BRRRR. That's S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E dot com slash BRRRR. All right.

Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's Solo Stove. There's nothing quite like the feeling of gathering around a warm fire on a cool evening. And a smokeless fire pit from Solo Stove makes your outdoor moments even more memorable. Because instead of having to constantly dodge campfire fumes, you can sit back, relax, and actually enjoy the fire. And right now, you can get a great deal on a Solo Stove Fire Pit. Upgrade your backyard with the Solo Stove Fire Pit. It's the perfect catalyst for getting outside

and spending more time with family and friends. Solo Stove Fire Pits are brilliantly engineered, made with premium-grade 304 stainless steel. 304, people, not that 303 shit. And a 360 degree airflow system that maximizes efficiency while minimizing smoke. Basically, it's clean, it's sleek, it's portable. You get all the wonderful advantage of a nice warm fire without the smoke. It's the perfect outdoor campfire. Easy to light with a few bits of starter. Your fire is blazing in minutes. Perfectly portable.

Shop now and get 30% off fire pits all month long and use the promo code BURR, B-U-R-R, at checkout to get an extra $10 off, plus a lifetime warranty and free 30-day returns. off plus a lifetime warranty and free 30-day returns just go to solo stove solo stove.com s-o-l-o-s-t-o-v-e let's see if that works s-o-l-o-s-t-o-v-e damn it it didn't work and remember you get ten dollars off when you use the promo code burr all right lastly but certainly not leastly because everybody has a story to tell in advertising. Allbirds, everyone. Allbirds creates shoes and clothing that are better for you and better for the planet

using a revolutionary roster of premium natural materials like their popular Tree Runner sneaker. Why is it called the Tree Runner, runner you ask because it's made from eucalyptus tree fiber a lightweight breathable and silky soft material making the tree runner the perfect everyday shoe for the uh for getting the most out of sunny days made with premium natural materials like eucalyptus fiber this is great someday for when your sneaker ends up in the friggin ocean you know the fact that it's mostly made out of a tree. Designed with a breathable knit that keeps your feet cool while you're soaking up the sun,

and they're super lightweight, making them the perfect pair to take along on any adventure. And God bless this country, God bless this company for actually taking the time to give a shit about the environment. I'm feeling like young people's companies more and more are going to be like this, showing us old people what we were doing wrong.

And I am all for it. Minimal and versatile. For effortless, everyday style, thoughtfully designed without any unnecessary frills or logos to go with every outfit. Find your new favorite shoes for sunny days and upcoming travel at allbirds.com. That's A-L-L-B-I-R-D-S dot com. All right. So anyway. It really blows my mind that they're going to roll back.

I understand people that think that abortion is killing a baby. I mean, yeah, that totally makes sense to me but you know you got to kill some right we have too many fucking people um jesus clearly isn't coming back he's not coming back the guy the guy we're sitting here like a bunch of fucking not coming back the guy the guy we're sitting here like a bunch of fucking ladies on a widow walk every night looking out to sea wait for this guy to come back he's he's not coming but he wouldn't come back like this there's that theory with religious people that when we finally just do that final awful thing to one another that he's going to show up and it's just like okay there's been slavery, holocaust

human trafficking invasions of countries kids getting killed schools bombed and all that he's yet to make an appearance so my question is what the fuck's he waiting for

I don't think he's coming back. You know? Any more than I think he was actually the son of God or a white person. No, I'm fucking with you. Yeah, at some point, guys. What are we doing here?

I mean, I don't have the solutions. It's not going to stop me from talking about it though right sorry i just realized i think i caught my son's cold god damn it right before this old billy nasal nose um by the way one of the places i'm playing i think on this one is uh the cow palace and the cow palace is like whenever i used to hear about van halen starting out and all the bands i liked at some point they all played the cow palace so i got dean del rey on the show which is cool because he went to a zillion concerts there we're gonna have a fucking great time um i have edited together some drum video clips of when I was playing in the forum before the show just to hear, just for you guys to hear how good, for other drummers to hear how good the sound is.

I know I suck. I don't need to fucking listen to it. I know. My foot was sloppy. I hadn't played in a couple of months because I had the acting gig. All right? And not only that, I'm not a pro drummer and I'm a fucking dad. So, you know, take it with a grain of salt.

But I had a fucking blast doing it. And, you know, if I had the time and the bullshit and all of that, that's something I would do in every one of these fucking arenas because it was that much fun. Maybe not on this one. Maybe on the next one. Because who knows? Who knows?

You know, do I ever get to do this shit again? I don't know. Hopefully I do. But if I don't, I can knows? You know? Do I ever get to do this shit again? I don't know. Hopefully I do. But if I don't, I can say, you know what? I got all of it. He got all of that one. All right. Well, that's the podcast here for Thursday.

Thank you guys so much for listening. I forgive that fucking Clark Kent bastard for backing into my car. I'm trying to anyway. My intermittent fasting seems to be working i'm i still have a nice fucking pooch covid pooch the sea pooch is that an omicron a delta or a covid 19 pooch i know kind of all three an amalgam sort of like a smorgasbord of ice cream sandwiches late at night wondering if the world was ever going to come back. All right.

No more abortions. No more abortions. No vaccines. Breathe on the babies. That's how we'll kill them. Maybe that's how they do it. Don't vaccinate me. I'll breathe on the baby.

That way nobody killed the baby, and it's more like uh the bat did it all right I get it now you know what I want to apologize to Texas I think you guys actually understand what's going on I'm going to tell you right now if that's implemented or when it's implemented I guarantee you there's going to be a lot of shiny four-door pickup trucks driving across the border into Arkansas um or wherever the fuck abortions are legal. All right. That's it, everybody.

Enjoy the music and the bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Monday morning podcast from a year ago or however Andrew Thelmalis figures it out. Okay. See you. Feel another day Won't you do me like that With the same old way It'll be a while now Before I can feel it Again

Run in my mind you once again Out of my mind you once again Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 13th, 2013. How are ya? How's it going? Uh-oh, May 13th, 2013. A lot of 13s. Are you superstitious? Do you think 13's an unlucky number? Let me ask you this. Why? Why do you think it's unlucky? Because you were told that from the day you were born you know stay away from that 13 it's a bad egg really yeah it's a it's a number you know about 13 you can't get to 14. you know you realize how childish that is like all these hotels

where they they they call the 13th floor the 14th floor you know it's like dude we're on the 13th floor I don't give a shit what you call it you start calling

an apple an orange I bite into it it's still a fucking apple you know I don't understand like the thing that I will never get past

is how fucking childish adults are. That you know these fucking hotels had to not have a 13th floor because there's so many fucking people that believe in that horseshit that they literally won't. I don't want to stay on the 13th floor. Why? Because you're worried the 14th floor is going to collapse onto it? You stupid fucks. You know? And you know what kills me?

No, Bill. What kills you? Well, I'll tell you, God damn it. What kills me is how because of the dollar, these fucking people,

they pander to them. I want to get a room in the hotel. Okay, we got 1306. I can't stay on the 13th floor. I can't stay. I need another floor. 13's unlucky. And what do they do?

They give him another floor. You know? Right there they should be like, well, listen, why don't you fucking grow up? What do you think, we use a less great of quality concrete when we made that floor, you asshole? You know what? Fuck you.

We don't want you staying at this hotel. I don't know. You know, it's like that guy up in Toronto, right? Maple Leafs fan. Who made the Toronto stronger sign. And the amount of outrage on that. It's like, how old are people? You know?

You're going to get upset by that? Don't make fun of our sign! You know? And then you're looking at the guy like, what, you think he actually supports the terrorists? Like how fucking old are people? Drives me up the fucking wall. I saw that. Actually, I didn't see the sign.

Somebody tweeted to me that, you know, that someone made that sign. And it made me laugh. Because I knew what he meant i know he doesn't support the fucking terrorists you know what happened was that boston strong came about because of those attacks and then the bruins started wearing it and after you see enough pictures i'd like marshall and those guys which says Boston strong. It kind of also morphs into we're saying that our team's stronger than your team. That's all it is. I'm not going to lie to you.

The ribbon was a little far. All right. But what the fuck? Can we just be adults and stop getting fucking outraged? Oh, I'm saying we. I got to stop doing that. That's the most annoying thing ever. Can a number of you become adults okay and stop having outrage over absolute fucking bullshit and maybe have it about

something that affects your fucking life like these banker cunts you know the ones you give your check to every every week who are robbing you fucking blind can you have outrage about that how about that instead of a fucking sign or pink socks you know you're not wearing pink you don't support ah just go fuck yourself sorry jesus where the hell did that all come from, you know why, because it's May 13th, and then seven, seven's lucky, can somebody for the love of fucking God, tell me why seven's lucky, and don't even tell me because it wins on the first roll in craps, because after that, if you don't roll it then, you fucking crap out on it more time than not,

why is seven lucky? Because of Burt Jones? What the fuck number was Joe Theismann? Wasn't he number seven? And he got his leg fucking shattered, dude. Got it fucking shattered. Joe Theismann with that fucking... That one goddamn bar across, you know?

I don't know. All right? It's not an unlucky day. And Friday the 13th, bad things come in threes. How old are you? When are you going to fucking grow up and grab the steering wheel, you know, and just stop letting the car float around? And you're living your whole life through fate. You know, I fucking hate when people hate when people are going for something and they don't get it.

And then they just, oh, you know, I guess it wasn't meant to be. It wasn't meant to be he just fucking you know you just fucking throw it up in the air like a bunch of fucking confetti that's your life how about if you didn't fuck it up it would have would have been uh meant to be you know i don't know i don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here. Anyways, I am in Boston, Massachusetts right now, and I'm going to go to the game tonight, game seven. The only happy thing about that it's gone seven games. But I've learned to be –

I've learned that this is how the Bruins do it this year. They take the first two periods off, and then they decide to start playing Oh, no, no, no. Earlier this year, they play the first two periods. They'd score two goals and then the other team would gradually tie it up

and then we'd lose in overtime. It's been one of the most frustrating years as a fan. I still love him. I still support him, but you know I fucking knew it I sound like Verzi but I called it after game four

I know yesterday I tweeted that thing you know I was trying to give the Bruins something positive where I said the Toronto Sun was going to say Blue Jays sore, Leafs fall but if you really look at my tweet after game four, yeah, four, we went up three games to one, where I said this series isn't over.

I don't want to go back to Toronto. Toronto doesn't deserve to be down three games to one. And I got all that shit from fucking Bruins fans. Do you know what I'm talking about now? Why were you ignoring that that series couldn't have easily been 2-2 if not 3-1 the other way? You know, and not to take anything away from Toronto, but when you don't fucking show up ready to play in the playoffs, you know, what do you think's going to happen? If you don't fucking turn it up a notch until the final 10 minutes of

the game and what fucking kills me is whenever they do that then they go out and they score a goal i don't know what it is i love the bruins too much to ever say that i don't think that they have what it takes this year but um that's what they keep doing you know I feel like Toronto has played more consistently they shit the bed game one without a doubt but uh other than that

they played great game two game three we kind of got them but they didn't play bad and game four was a fucking classic and then i don't know what we've been doing the last two games just skating around like we're out there the ice capades like oh maybe this is the game we can close them out so um but i have faith i think we're gonna do it tonight i think they're actually gonna fucking maybe come out with the same intensity that they had in the final 10 minutes of the

last two games i hope they do or else we're going to lose and you know what we're going to we're going to 100 deserve it and uh i don't hate toronto or their fans there's always a couple of country people on twitter but i in general i like them and i actually went to a bruins toronto game a few years ago i liked them up there. And congratulations and thank you to the Ottawa Senators for knocking out the hated Habs. I actually watched the replay of the game, wanting to totally enjoy watching all the Canadian fans

filing out of the building. And you know what? They didn't. Some of them did. But there's always fair weather fans. But I gotta tell you, I actually was impressed. Like 80-85% of the Habs fans stayed there. And in the end, even though they were losing like six to one, they all got up, gave their team a standing ovation,

sang that stupid Olé, Olé, Olé song. And I was like, you know what? Those are awesome fans. You know? In Toronto, if you lose tonight, I want to tell you, you have to blame the Canadians, the Canadian fans. All right?

Because you guys were already in a bad way until they put that fucking Patrick Walk hex on all of Canada. What they did to arguably the greatest goaltender who ever played the game, the way they fucking humiliated him. And they haven't learned a thing. They still do that sarcastic cheer when their fucking goaltenders get shelled. They're just always going to be these fucking croissant-eating cunts. Spoiled fucking brats.

The most spoiled fans I've ever seen in my fucking life the way that they treat their own players is is horrific all right what they did to patrick watt not only fuck them for god knows how long put a hex on their team what they did was so disrespectful to the game of hockey that was created in canada Not only have the Montreal Canadiens never won another cup since that moment, no other team in Canada has won it. Look at the Vancouver Canucks. They were up two games to none. They had the Bruins right where they wanted them.

And then what? Burroughs got fucking possessed, decides to bite. Who the fuck did he bite on the Bruins? They woke up the bear and they proceeded to lose four of the next five games and lord stanley stayed down in the lower 48 sorry sorry for all the hockey talk to all the ladies out there and for all the guys out there who don't watch fucking hockey because you'd rather watch what? Baseball? Is that what you'd rather watch? Great day for a ball game. It's 0-0 here

in the fourth inning. Lovely Mother's Day afternoon. There's a ball outside and this is the 79th pitch and this hit bad. I'll tell you he's never the heck of a bat. There's a ground ball to second base. Slips it over to first.

Two outs here in the fourth inning. I'll tell you, when you look at this Boston skyline, you know, it's just really wonderful. I like some of my favorite buildings to stare at while I watch this game that's called a sport um i'm sorry i just can't i cannot get into fucking baseball i tried watching the red i haven't watched the red sox in so long like i didn't even i poppy's the only guy left on the team that i even know it's just been so fucking long since i

watched it you know it's just everybody was testing positive for steroids and i was just like look either legalize them or get them out of the goddamn game all right but stop telling me getting me all excited about shit and then four years later telling me it didn't really count you know what i mean i still love baseball but uh i don't know how do i watch that when playoff hockey's going on you know what i mean? I still love baseball. But I don't know. How do I watch that when playoff hockey is going on? You know what I mean? How about those L.A. Kings? Huh?

Now, right there, that's, as a sports fan, that's what I like to see. They go down two games to none, and then they just kind of look around like, oh, are we going to stop fucking around here? And then they just immediately turn it on. That's very impressive considering they won the cup last year, and usually you have the little hangover there. So, all right, I'm done fucking yapping about hockey. Let's get on with the podcast here.

So I'm going to go to the game here tonight. Now I'm still talking about hockey. And I got a good feeling that we're actually going to try tonight. That's what I would just like at this point. If we could just maybe try for fucking three periods. Actually play up to our potential. We still might not win.

But can we go down swinging? Can we just fucking do that? Anyways, here's something that somebody sent me. They're working on this microchip that will save your memory scientists set to implant device to preserve experiences into brains a group of u.s researchers believe that a microchip that will help create memories in damaged brains could be implemented into human volunteers in the next two years. The scientists from the University of Southern California, Wake Forest University, and others

have been looking into the hippocampus, the part of the brain that is vital in forming long-term memories for around a decade. Okay, they've been doing this so this is this is their way in so these wonderful researchers at usc and wake forest as always their hearts are in the right place but what kills me is it's like as they're creating this thing i always wondered do they sit around when they create something like this? And do they ever go, good Lord, what if this falls into the wrong hands?

What if somebody like Dick Cheney or Donald Rumsfeld or any one of those other guys that looks like they don't even have a fucking heartbeat. What if it falls into their hands? What are they going to do with this shit i'm telling you we're all going to be i might not be microchipped in my lifetime but i will tell you this at some point in my lifetime and i figure they're going to do it through some sort of, like, they're going to scare the fuck out of people that their babies are going to get kidnapped, all right? And that what they're going to do is eventually they're going to pass a law that all babies born from this day on for their own safety and their own protection will be microchipped

all right it's going to creep out a guy like me who isn't microchipped but i'm going to die off and then what's going to happen is just people from day one are going to have a microchip in them and they're not going to question it and occasionally somebody will question it and then they'll just be like what are you a fucking conspiracy theorist do you realize that if every human being was microchipped do you realize the ability to revolt how limited it is if you ever were to be suddenly under an oppressive power if everybody was microchipped you know and this is what kills me is i know you this most of you are rolling your eyes going this sounds like crazy talk you know why because you would never do

something like that you know i don't fucking know anyways let's get into some advertising that's a nice setup it's a nice setup from advertising all right everybody right out of the gate all right i've been telling you this for years you don't have to go to the post office anymore there's nothing okay stamps.com here we go there's nothing instant about getting postage from the post office driving there parking there it's a waste of time so use stamps.com instead instantly get postage for any letter or package right from your desk. Stamps.com is so quick and easy to use that even a moron like me can use it. I send out all my DVDs, every last one of them, to all my stand-up gigs.

And I do it whenever I want. Two in the morning, two in the afternoon. While I'm eating cereal. While I'm not eating cereal. Buy and print official U.S postage using your own computer and printer stamps.com will send you a digital scale that automatically calculates the exact postage you need they'll even help you decide the best class of mail based on your needs no guesswork plus it's convenient take care of your mailing and

shipping whenever you need to 24 7 right from your desk you'll never have to go to the post office again just breathe that in everybody isn't that wonderful um endorsement here we go i use stamps i already did that i already told him i did it what am i going to say it again uh right now use my last name burr b-u-r-r for this special offer no risk trial plus 110 bonus awful that offer that that includes a digital scale and up to 55 free postage sorry about saying bonus awful that was this freudian slip when i was thinking about this read um do it right now don't wait go to stamps.com before you do anything else click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in burr b-u-r-r that's stamps.com enter burr

all right one more here strap yourselves in personal capital personal capital two things suck about managing your money it's hard to keep track of you got stocks bonds 401k ira bank accounts etc all on different sites with their own username and password. Then you pay someone to manage it, and you're probably paying too much. That's why you got to go to Personal Capital. It takes under a minute to set up. Just go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click on Personal Capital banner, on the Personal Capital banner, excuse me.

Then you can see your whole net worth and how each asset is performing on one screen on your computer or through their app on your phone or tablet tablet what the hell is a tablet is that like an ipad it sounds very biblical just pictured myself in a long robe with a white beard holding my tablet um then it shows you how much you're paying money managers and brokers and fees and how much you can reduce those fees and even gives you specific areas where you can improve your investment strategy basically what what should have been done all the entire time is now finally being done all right this thing is really there's a really smart way to make your uh your money grow quicker it's run

by a former ceo of paypal and it's totally free totally free everybody to sign up for free go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click on the personal capital banner there you are all right so anyways back to the damn podcast here as mentioned before I'm here in Boston and You know what I didn't realize that I missed I Missed the Chinese food here in Boston. All right, and I ate so much of that shit. I left Boston, Massachusetts in 1995 In 1995 and in 1995 and uh at that point i had gotten drunk so many times and ended up in a chinese food restaurant that to even smell chinese food made me i almost got sick all right so now every time i've come back to boston i've always avoided it and I remember one night being at the

laugh factory talking to Dane Cook and he told me he'd just come back from Boston and the first thing he did was he went out and got a poo poo platter and ate all this fucking Chinese food and I almost got sick as I was listening to him chicken fingers crab rangoon all this east coast chinese i was so fucking sick of it and i and i was actually laughing to myself as he was telling me the story like thinking to myself that this guy must really love chinese food you know and then i realized that he doesn't drink like me so he probably didn't od on it like an asshole at three in the morning for 20 years straight like i did not 20 years more like eight but it was but it felt like 20 you know so anyways the other night um i had an amazing night i went to my alma mater and uh old billy redface got himself an award

and uh it was a very overwhelming night actually i couldn't even get through my freaking speech i had to like cut it short because i was getting all emotional like a little little fucking school girl there uh what i meant to say that night by the way for anybody who was there was that emerson college it really changed my life because I was absolutely flailing in my life at that point. I was a 22-year-old. I had just finished my freshman year of college at 22, and I didn't take any time off. I was going to college from the time I graduated until the time I was 22. All right. Basically three and a half, four years at that point.

And I had just finished my freshman year. I was a convicted drunk driver. I had a giant orange Afro. I didn't have anything. I had nothing going on. I had a giant orange afro. I didn't have anything. I had nothing going on. And I transferred to Emerson College. And then immediately, I don't know, those kids were the same kind of weird that I was. Some more weird, some less weird, but in general.

And I got there with the sole purpose of getting over the fear of standing in front of a crowd. So every class, basically at that school, you could somehow ham it up and get out in front of the class. And that's what I did. And I got involved in radio because I felt like if I could just, I could talk on a mic to people that I couldn't see. And I don't know, within a year there was a talent contest the next thing you know i'm doing stand-up comedy so uh that's what i wanted to say so thank you to emerson college and thank you for giving me the award it was unreal unreal night stephen wright former emerson uh student actually presented the award said a bunch of nice things and it was uh it was it was too much too much i gotta tell you that so anyway so later on that night um no i was literally i gotta

go back to that i was literally blown away you know this is a guy that i saw make johnny carson like laugh like i'd never seen him laugh like you could tell that he knew that he this just wasn't another comic that this was one of those guys that comes along once every 15 20 25 years and um to have him present in the ward it was just it was amazing so definitely a big thanks to him so anyway so later on that night i hook up with some of my family i'm having a couple of beers and i you know and it's like the next thing you know it's two in the morning i'm in the outskirts of boston everybody's getting hungry there's only one fucking thing left to do let's go get some chinese food and i'm thinking i don't want to get chinese i didn't

think really think one way or the other and we sat down at this place the fucking tahiti out in deadham massachusetts and sat down we got crab rangoon we got that those gelatinous fucking ribs i got some egg rolls some fried rice and i have to tell you, it was fucking delicious. The greatest meals I've had since I can remember. And I know it all went straight to my artery, and it's still sitting in there, and I'm amazed that I don't have chest pains right now. I'm smart enough to not go get it again. But that's how good it was.

Because then I'll OD on it again. But I'm fucking pissed that I didn't get chicken. Chicken fingers are fucking gross though. It's basically... It looks like... Like Dikembe Mutombo's finger. Except lighter. But just as long. Do you remember in Living Color

when they used to make fun of Arsenio putting that one finger in the air and they made it like extra long? That's the shape of it. I don't know what part of the chicken is shaped like that. That was the big joke. Chickens don't have fingers.

What the fuck is this? It's basically like nine million chickens. They all mash together and then they just start chopping them up in the shape of a giant fucking index finger then they bread the shit and they deep fry it then they give you some duck sauce and then you eat it at 2 30 in the morning and it goes right to your fucking heart um so anyways i don't know what the point of that story is. Was I, I mean, am I literally giving a shout out to food at this point? Why not? Anyways.

Oh, by the way, I'm doing, I'm going to be in Las Vegas this, this weekend coming up at the Mirage Casino. I think there are a couple of tickets left. This is my big, you know,

first time I've ever headlined Las Vegas. At one of the major casinos. I've done some of the smaller ones, but this is the first time. So I feel like this is my first official one. So I'm basically going to be coming out on stage the way the Bruins play in the final 10 minutes of a playoff game. Except I'm going to do it from the beginning to the end. Hopefully. Hopefully I don't have a letdown. So anyways,

whoever's going to be out there, I hope to see you guys. And with that, with that, let's get to let's get to some emails for this week. Been some phenomenal emails over the last couple of weeks and i think this week's going to be no different so let's delve in shall we um oh before i do that shit

by the way somebody told me about i think i was on the bob and tom show and they told me about this daily mail website and it's one of the most depressing websites i've ever been to in my life. Terror at the Mother's Day parade. This is the headlines. Horrific moment. Three gunmen opened fire in broad daylight during street festival, leaving 19 people, including two young children, injured. Judge bans girl 14 from every school in county after she films herself mercilessly beating another student as a gang of 30 classmates watch so they're already depressing you and then they try to fucking lighten it up by a little bit by saying a braless jennifer aniston is steered around by justin i don't know who Justin is. I guess that that's her boyfriend.

But even then, it's kind of negative. He's steering her around like, what, Jennifer can't go where she... I want to go into Amber Crummy. Get over here, bitch. I got a couple. Are these the worst passengers of all time? Bloggers expose the rudest, most disgusting commuters in New York one of them's just a girl eating food

I don't think that that's bad another one's a fucking out of shape transvestite or cross dresser with his fucking sports bra on his big belly hanging out somebody doing a split I don't know. Look at Richard Nixon's fucking grandson and heiress.

Jesus Christ, look at the fucking gigantic rack on her. You know what is funny, though? The Church of Scientology got busted for Photoshopping and more people at an event in Portland to make it seem like a huge crowd when in reality only 750 people were there. Or the Catholic Church is fucking trying to ruin Scientology and claiming that they photoshopped people in when they didn't. You know, kind of like how the NFL tried to stop the AFL.

Who knows? But I can tell you what, you can take both those religions and toss them in the AFL. Who knows? But I can tell you what, you can take both those religions and toss them in the fucking trash. You know? How old are you people? Nobody knows what's out there after you die.

All right? Stop getting up early on Sunday. There's really no point to it. Sleep in. Real age. What's up, Bill? This is so-and-so in such so in such and such city me and my fiancee are getting married soon and her fucking wookiee of a mother or the rest of her family

still don't know how old i am well that's great sir that's a great way to start a relationship for the rest of your life uh She is 23 and I'm 37. We've been making each other cum for three years now. Any advice on how to break this info to these cunts? Yeah, I have some advice. Why don't you call off the fucking marriage? Why don't you do that? All right.

Considering this is the woman that you love and the way you describe your relationship is that they make each other come for the last three years you're describing the mother of this woman you allegedly love as a fucking wookiee um yeah but considering she's probably going to age like her i guess she's eventually going to turn into a Wookiee too. I don't know, dude. You don't sound like you're mature enough. But you could also just be trying to make me laugh.

So I have no idea. Wow. It's a little late for this, sir. You know, this is actually ruined because I went to a wedding this is why back here in boston i actually went to a wedding one of the great weddings i ever is there anything fucking better than going to a wedding where the two people look like they should be getting married you just see it you feel the spark between the two of them there's nothing better you combine that with great food and an open bar and a great live band i'll tell you you got yourself a hell of an evening i went to an awesome wedding this weekend me and the lovely nia we had a great time

and uh now i gotta read this shit um any advice on how to break this info to these cunts? Yeah, I'd write a poem. I'd figure out what rhymes with 37. Maybe you could sing it to them. I love your daughter. When I'm with her, it's heaven. Oh, by the way, I got great pubes because i'm 37 yeah sorry about that you fucking wookie how about that why don't you do something like that i don't know how to do that sir

i've never been involved in a lie that deep that's that's some deep shit there sir listen you you're gonna have to fucking tell them soon or the only way out of this is there's gonna be a couple of body bags all right what's wrong with you why didn't you tell them out of the gate you know why because you feel like a creep don't you sir you feel like a creep you know when you make references to britney spears and she doesn't even know who that is that's actually me you know the other night i used that reference because i needed a reference for a floozy and i threw out britney spears and like this younger crowd just sat there staring at me and i actually did the math in my head and i had

to be like wait a minute britney Spears is now a 31 32 year old divorced mother of two and I was just like Jesus Christ I'm fucking old who is the floozy reference of the moment you know you can't even say Lady Gaga at this point she's so fucking old now she had to get a hip replacement you You know, like your grandmother. Taylor Swift, right? Maybe it's her. Taylor Swift looks like one of those cats that just fucking creeps you out. You know that voodoo shit?

Like they sit on your chest and they suck the soul out of you? She is that. Like, you could never snuggle with her and not feel that she was slowly killing you. You know, do you think she sleeps in a pod? Doesn't she have like that? That webbed toe look about her. That's really mean, but I don't know. I saw this thing on her 60 minutes one time and the crowd was cheering.

She looked up in the upper deck and she just did the creepiest look to the upper deck deck and just went oh my god like really like this totally phony like i can't believe you guys are cheering at me like that i don't know oh christ i don't even know what i'm saying anymore uh past is prime prime question mark hello william i need some advice by the way you guys you all realize i'm a moron right i flunked everything in high school okay this is on you if you take my advice and it doesn't work you know you should go talk to somebody who actually professionally gives out advice and part of your therapy session should be why you take advice from somebody who doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. Oh, Bill, shut up and just read it.

Okay, all right. Hi, Bill. I need some advice. My fiance and I used to have an insane sex life, two to three times a day, crazy marathon sex sessions. We used to celebrate sexter day what does that mean what is that when you reminisce about how much you fucked yesterday ah you kids i don't even know what you're talking about sexter day

boo boo oh my fucking seems so far away. I put it in your ass and not because I'm gay. I just fucked your vag. Enough fucking times. Ooh, your fucking vag. You know, it's like I woke up and the lyrics just came to me to the point I thought, did someone else talk about this? Somebody else already write this song? Not for lack of trying on my part i love giving him blow jobs oh what a champ she says she loves giving blow jobs and now he always says not right now when i try

uh we welcomed our first baby six months ago i am now in better shape than I was before I got pregnant. I do yoga and run every day and feel sexier than ever. I am 22 and he is 40. Has he passed his prime? He's been stressed out lately. Does that keep men from getting it up? He was my first, so the only thing I know about male sexuality is what I know about him. Usually he can't keep his hands off me.

Help, Bill. It's hard not to take this personally. Thank you. Well, aren't you a sweetheart? You like giving blowjobs, and you're very polite. And you know how to write a letter. God damn it, you're a keeper. And you were a virgin at 22 you saved yourself and here this guy comes along the grizzled vet in the final year of a three-year contract

you know once you sign the contract he stops producing well i for one i feel for you um did he watch you give birth you know that that that new thing that they do over the last 20, 30 years? Back in the day, he used to just stand out in the waiting room with the big stogie. Just standing out there. How's she doing? Is her blood pressure dropping? Oh, she passed away on the table? Ah, fucking $120 in cigars out the window.

He used to stand out there in the waiting room you know and you let the doctors be doctors i don't understand why the guy has to be in there i i don't this is a big fucking debate between me and the lovely nia like i don't understand why this why you have to fucking be in there you know when i go down to minus muffler do i fucking stand underneath it as he's sitting there and the sparks are flying i don't know how to weld you know hey you got a busted aspirator tube i don't know where that is i don't know what it is why am i there you know i should be out in the fucking waiting room so anyways what did he stand there and then just watch something alive come out of your vagina and maybe it's it's kind of because i hear that guys have like maybe performance issues after that you know there's a whole bunch

of things that could be going on here so i don don't want to put too many. How are you guys doing financially? How is his job security? You know, does he spend a lot of money? Is the other shoe about ready to drop? Are you one of those couples that I see on those reality shows? You know, does he wear like a lot of t-shirts or like button-down shirts that have a lot of designs on them a lot of drawing you know does he fake tan is he one of those guys

because if he's one of those guys then i would guess that you're actually broke and have been broke for eight months and he doesn't know how to tell you um but if he's a regular guy all right i'm joking around too much about this. This is actually a serious thing. All right, help me, Bill. It's hard not to take this personally. I would bring it up to him.

You got to sit down and hopefully, he's not a walled-off emotional psycho like most guys. If you bring it up, and hopefully you can bring it up to him without him getting mad but that's what I would do I bring it up and just be like hey you know you haven't been banging me lately and I know I'm looking pretty good and used to it all the time but what's the deal you know just that's the essence of it just stretch that out into about eight minutes and say a lot of loving things um do that thing

where you put your hand on the you know the women they put their hand on your their forearm on the dude's forearm and they and they move you move your thumb side to side and just be like hey how come we're not fucking anymore i don't know how to do it that's what i would do i think you need to talk to him rather than me uh i would not take it personally you know you're you're a fucking champ you love giving blow jobs you're in the prime of your life you had a kid what did you do you got yourself right back in shape you're in the the prime of your life. You had a kid. What did you do? You got yourself right back in shape. You're in the best shape of your life.

It's not on you. So I wouldn't take it personally. So there's obviously something going on with him. And you love the guy. So try to help him bring it out. You know? Oh, Jesus. All right.

There you go. There's that. I hope that helped. I don't fucking know. Let's that. I hope that helped. I don't fucking know. Let's take a break from my ignorant fucking advice to talk to you about this, everybody. E-voice. E-voice is the reason you're going to make more money in 2013. Well, actually, it's your great idea combined with E-voice.

All right, E-voice? Don't take all the credit, you know. All right, when your customers call, you'll have your own toll-free number, professional greeting, dial-by-name directory, and more. You'll sound more like a Fortune 500 company, and you'll blow away your competitors. E-voice lets you give out one number that rings wherever you are, the beach, the bar, doesn't matter.

You'll sound like you're at the office. You got to go to evoice.com and use the promo code Bill. eVoice even takes all your voicemails, transcribes them, and sends them to you instantly as a text or email. So you can check your voicemails before the meeting ends, not to even look rude. You know, you won't even look rude. eVoice is only $10 a month.

$10 a month so your new little company can sound like a Fortune 500 company. It's an absolute bargain. Right now, listeners to my podcast get a free trial of E-voice for 30 days. Stop what you're doing right now. Hit pause. Set up your E-voice trial and see what I'm talking about. It's a great way to support my podcast, and it's an easy way to make money this year. Go to E-voice.com, promo code Bill. this year go to evoice.com promo code bill that's evoice.com promo code bill or just go to the

podcast page on billbird.com and click on the evoice banner ad right now okay now you know when i bring this stuff up you know you know that father's day is coming up i was speaking of which yesterday i took my mother out for an ice cream for mother's day and i got up to the window and i realized i didn't have any money and then she had to pay for it i did hit an atm on the way home but it really kind of killed a lot of the vibe um but anyways i was happy to be home for mother's day so after mother's day what comes next everybody memorial day what comes after that flag day what comes after that father's day actually i think father's day is before flag day and what do i sell you every year the man man grate system. The man grate system, everybody.

This Father's Day, think the man grate. What is the man grate, you ask? What is the man grate you think of as you rub your chin? This is what they are. These are actually great. I wish they had these when I was a kid, when I was growing up on my little hibachi. They're 100% made in America. Made in America? Cast iron grilling grates that are revolutionizing the way people grill. Heavy duty grilling grates deliver exactly what you need to achieve

that perfect steakhouse flavor. Chicken, steak, or veggies will never have tasted so good. No more flare-ups, no more dry meat, guaranteed. Name one of 2012's best grilling accessories by men's health magazine basically what they are is you know when you buy you buy some cheap ass grill and they give you those little aluminum you know that grilling grate this gives you the big steel ones just like at the steakhouse so it's basically like you went

out you bought some hatchback with the four-cylinder all right the man great system make allows you the ability to rip that four cylinder out of the car and put a good old-fashioned american v8 on top it's phenomenal uh man greats are perfect the perfect gift for father's day come on every man loves to grill go to man great.com and enter the coupon code BURR, B-U-R-R for their 1999 Father's Day special or click the Mangrate banner on the show website.

100% made in America, 100% cast iron, 100% steakhouse quality in your backyard. Alright? Remember, each Monday morning podcast order comes with a heavy duty grilling brush. Again, that's the Mangrate Grill Enhancement System. Order today, Mangrate.com, and at the coupon code BURR, B-U-R-R, at the checkout.

All right, there you have it. So back to the questions. Back to the questions here. Where the hell am I? All right. Can we find it? There we go. All right, this we find it? There we go. All right.

This one's titled, oh, Jesus. Dear Billy Goat Fuckface. There's a new one. There's a new one. I am a 23-year-old man from Paducah, Kentucky. Now, why would you tell me that? I didn't want to read that. There's probably 18

people in your your town right needless to say there isn't much to do about five months ago i met a girl who's two years younger than me and moved into town from fucking east kongamunga uh we hit it off almost instantly it was great you know what i'm gonna have somebody bleep out this city all right i gotta have bleep out the city in the state he goes we hit it off almost instantly it was great she is beautiful educated and has a great ass sorry little al pacino for you uh we took things slow and i found that to be something unique in today's time most girls give it up within a day or two but she wanted to take things slow and i appreciated that i found myself falling head over heels for this girl i hadn't been with anyone in over two years and i

felt that it if she was wait and i felt as if she was a sign that maybe there was a bit of hope in this world to be happy and she communicated with me that she felt the same way okay so about two weeks ago we went out to a bar and we had some drinks played some pool and had a great time and ended up getting a little frisky with each other i drove her home totally expecting that tonight would be the night i was going to bang this beautiful woman. When we reached the driveway, we started making out in the car and asked if she wanted to come in. She got real quiet and said under her breath, yes, but, and of course I said, but what? And that's when she told me she is a transsexual. And that's when she told me she is a transsexual.

I literally yelled. I was so shocked by what I heard, I could hardly keep myself together. And I told her, him, whatever, that I wasn't going to go upstairs with her, and I would call her tomorrow. And she got out of the car crying and said, I was born this way like some Lady Gaga shit. Wait a minute. Trans? What is transsexual?

Like a hermaphrodite? Wait a second. Oh, Jesus, Bill. You're too fucking dumb. Why do you guys write me? Is this the fun part of it? Just finding out how fucking dumb why do you guys why do you guys write me is this is this the fun is this the fun part of it just finding out how fucking dumb i am transsexual this is hilarious now i have this on my search engine transsexual

and neil will use my computer and look up like transcontinental and transsexual is going to come up bill is there something we need to talk about um transsexual here we go a person who's undergone a sex change operation a person whose sexual identification is entirely with the opposite sex all right well that just made me even more confused. So if you had an operation, how were you born this way? Or the person's saying, I just identified with being a female. Oh, so the dude had a sex change operation.

Okay. He goes, I haven't spoke to her since it's s-i-n-c-e not s-e-n-c-s-e um that night besides a few text messages she's going on about how much she loves me and she is sorry she didn't tell me sooner it's even gone as far as me having to turn off my phone because she won't stop calling i've never been pursued like this before what do i do part of me actually feels bad but i can't see myself banging an ass every night while my sweaty balls slap against her sweaty balls now wait a minute i thought the person had the operation don't they remove that you know i don't fucking know regardless of how

gay this may sound i still think she is incredibly hot i knew it was too good to be true should i tell her that i'm just not interested anymore and completely cut her off or should i be her friend or should i go bang her ass it's. The thought of banging her ass excites me, but the thought of her junk swinging around makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. Thanks, Bill, and come do a show in such and such state sometime, you fuck. What should you do? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

What's funny is you're literally just like, you're mentally where she is sexually. You know? I don't know. You gotta, it's like you're standing on the state line and you got a foot in either state.

Just like her. You know? So, I think your emotions are normal. And I hate when fucking people get offended by this shit. And they go, that's fucking you.

You know, they get all offended. Like that dude is now a woman. It's like, no, that is a dude. That fucking, uh, is a different kind of dude now. You know, it's, that's not a woman. It's still a dude. It's just a different kind of dude.

You know what it's like? You ever see when somebody buys an old car and they take all the chrome off it? They want that nice clean look? Yeah, that's what they do to their crotch. You know? That's a dude that took the chrome off. You know?

I don't know what to tell you. Other than... I don't know. That fucking... I don't know. Do, like, that fucking... I don't know. Do whatever the fuck you want to do. Is what I would say. Let me go back and read what you said.

Should I tell him I'm not interested anymore? Completely cut her off. All right. Part of me actually feels bad because I can see myself... Because I can't see myself banging an ass every night while my sweaty balls slap against her sweaty balls. Well, if it makes you feel better, I don't think the balls are there anymore.

Although they might have kept them like a hood ornament. I have no idea. Oh, Jesus. I really am a moron. Regardless of how gay this may sound, I still think she's incredibly hot. You know, why don't you just split the difference and get a blowjob?

I don't know what to tell you. That's so funny. I knew it was too good to be true, this poor bastard. I would say this. I'd say you'd want to sit on that decision. Don't be like the Baltimore Colts in the 1983 draft. Did you guys just watch that 30 for 30 where they immediately walked up two seconds in

and they selected John Elway? You know, rather than fucking waiting the full two minutes or whatever to see if anybody gave him an offer. And then they ended up with nothing. I would sit on this one for a minute um and i think that this person's actually pursuing you the way that they are because they're in a desperate situation which is that the whole thing is in reality the whole thing is unfortunate you know people should be able to be who they are you should be able to like who you like and that person should be able to from day one say that they're transsexual

without getting judged the reason why they didn't say it was because they were worried about this fucking moment here which once again is another sad depressing thing about humanity um i would say follow your heart, sir. You know? And not your balls. If you really want to find love. There you go. Balls in your court.

No pun intended. All right. Advice for a young lady. Hey, Billington. Very, very original ones this week. People coming up with different ways to butcher my name. I'm enjoying these. I am in need of some advice for a young lady. And I love that some women are actually piping in,

despite the fact how much I talk about hockey on this podcast. What are you saying? Women don't like hockey? Yes. This is what I'm saying. I'm an 18 year old high school senior entering my freshman year of college i got into my dream school with the scholarship ah do you know how bad i wish that i did that wish i studied in high school anyways and i'm moving out of my shithole town and everything finally finally seems to be making up for all the shit that I went through in high school.

One of my really good friends is going to the same university as I am and we're renting an apartment together. However, my friend is an 18-year-old straight guy and I am a straight girl. Uh-oh. The gender thing could add a whole other level of difficulty on top of adjusting to living with a new person in a new city uh away from everything i grew up around we've been

friends practically since we were in diapers we can talk jam out to 70s rock and watch the chappelle show for hours and we've never had issues with weirdness before but i do understand that college introduces a lot of firsts and i'm not gonna lie i'm a little nervous that a few too many oh having a few too many drinks during a welcome weekend could lead to some inappropriateness weirder, weirder things have happened. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our nearly two-decade-long friendship. So this kind of sounds like

you're a little attracted to this guy, that you're this worried that something's going to happen. Or maybe you're 18, you're going from your parents' house to all of a sudden living with the guy.

Maybe that's what it is. I'm going to guess that that's what it is. So anyway going to guess that that's what it is. So anyway, so my question. What tips do you have to stop anyone from stepping over the line with the male slash female roommate? Also, in general, what tips do you have

for living with a roommate? Nia's opinion on this would be epic. Thanks and fuck you. Yeah, that was Nia's great fuck you last week um you know what maybe this wednesday i will do another neolog and i'll read this one but right now i'll just give you my own ignorant um thought on it oh wait wait by the way there's there's a ps to this everybody there's an epilogue just like the streets of san francisco p.S. Might I add that we've both been in various relationships while friends.

He often asks me for girl advice and I ask him for guy advice. He currently has a girlfriend who I really like and am friends with but they are breaking up in June when she leaves to study abroad. I am currently single. Oh yeah, you guys are going to bang

within fucking eight minutes within eight minutes of your of your your college career um all right so basically what you want to do you're not asking me should you or should you not move in with this guy you're gonna move in with this guy so um what you're really saying is basically how do I not fuck this guy well I can only do it from the male perspective

which is what I would do is every morning before I ever even walked out into the living room was I would rub one out to try to get that fucking you know urge out of me I think what you need to do is sit down and talk with the guy

and just say listen we have a great friendship but I don't want to ruin this I know we're moving in together and everything but you know obviously great friendship but I don't want to ruin this. I know we're moving in together and everything but you know, obviously we're going to be in close quarters you know, sharing a bathroom and blah blah blah blah blah

you know what you have to do? You have to lay down the law. If that's what you really want to do. But if you actually like this guy, like I think you might, if you actually like him, like him, and think you could actually,

did I just say that? If you like, I mean like, like him, like him, like him, you know what I mean? Do you? I mean, God, you guys, this could be the one. If you actually like this dude like that, then you should not move in with him. You should be in a separate apartment. And that way, if you start dating him, you don't immediately start by living with one another.

You know, that's just too far down the road so what i would do if i was you is i would sit down and talk to him okay if you don't like this guy like this and you really want to preserve your friendship i would sit down and have a talk to him or talk with him and just say listen we cannot get drunk and make out and and fucking round second base slide into third we can't We can't do this shit. All right? Okay? I'm telling you that right now.

It's not happening. Or whatever you got to say. Or if you actually really like this guy, you got to tell him that. Just say, I think maybe I like you a little more than just friends. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if this is just a little phase. I have no idea. But if that's the case, I don't want to move in with you.

You know? Does that make sense? You know what? You're right. There's going to be a neolog this week, everybody. Fuck this. I'm too dumb to answer this one. This one involves feelings that I don't understand.

All right? So basically, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. Once again, I want to thank Emerson College for giving me that award. And I want to thank Stephen Wright for bringing me up and saying all those nice things that he did. And lastly, but not leastly, I'm going to be at the Mirage Casino in Las Vegas this Friday and Saturday night. Then I have a week off, and then I'm going to do a nice tour through Jersey, Maryland, and Baltimore. I'll be at the Count Basie Theater on May 29th with the Teen Idol Sensation. Fresh off his hit half-hour special on Comedy Central.

We're going to be at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, New Jersey on June 30th. I will be in Baltimore, Maryland. Sorry, I don't have the name of the theater in front of me. On the 31st of June, of May, also known as June 1st. Or is there a 31st? There is a 31st, May 31st. I will be at Easton, Pennsylvania. And then on June 1st, I'll be in Atlantic City for two shows.

So if you're in or around that area, why don't you come on out? You know, come out to some shows. And hopefully I'll make you laugh your ass off there oh hey i gotta thank that crowd that came out to the bottle rock uh bottle rocket music festival i did a show at four in the afternoon while a band was playing right next door and uh i fought through that bass baseline that was crushing all of my jokes and the level of patience that that crowd showed was was phenomenal um all right so here we go that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves don't take any shit from anybody and uh and the last little bit of advertising here ladies and gentlemen now that the show is over

go sign up for your free account with Personal Capital so you can see all of your assets on one screen, pay less in broker fees, and make all your investments grow faster. Go to the podcast page

on billbird.com, click on the Personal Capital banners. That's the podcast page on billbird.com to click on the Personal Capital banner and set up your free account and also now that the show is over go also go set up your free trial of e-voice so you can start making more money go to e-voice.com and use your promo code bill that's e-voice.com promo code

bill or just go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click the e-voice banner right now all right have a wonderful week and uh i'll talk to you about vegas next week all right go bruins uh i have no hate towards toronto all right okay so i don't care when you send me your obnoxious stuff i know you guys are just excited because you haven't won anything since 1967 you know which is rough does anybody deserve that no except for montreal canadian fans all right see you