Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-13-21

Episode Date: May 13, 2021

Bill rambles about snapping, super stores, and self-checkout lines.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's.com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before

Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you just checking in to see how you're doing house life in your part of the world wherever you're at I hope your life is good with you I hope I hope things that you want to have happen are happening and when they happen it actually leaves you with a sense of happiness rather than getting it and being like I still feel the fucking same what was the point of that fruitless pursuit is an actual expression that I use that correctly fruitless pursuit fruitless pursuit means you go after so that's just like oh we went out we look for some fruit we didn't get it let's let's find the origin of that origin back in the day Quakers would go out and they would

pursue fruit fruitless fruit syndrome oh god there's so many jokes here I could be making that you can't make anymore but let's let's see a fruitless pursuit origins fruitless pursuit a gathering oh Jesus Christ what is this is this a fucking now how the fuck do I look up fruitless pursuit and I have a look of one of the worst-dressed couples I've ever seen in my fucking life I give up a fruitless pursuit I imagine means you went out to go gather some food and you came back afterwards right with nothing Jesus Christ you know what if I wasn't so fucking lazy I would delete all of this I apologize for whatever the hell I just said for the last 40 seconds I usually say dumb shit but like when I'm actually googling

something as I'm doing it like it becomes even dumber or is that dumber than what you actually listen to I don't know all I know is the Bruins lost to the capitals two to one but Taylor Hall scored an OT sweet goal three on three overtime against the Islanders the Bruins all of a sudden with the addition of Taylor Hall all of a sudden now having two legitimate lines all of a sudden now looking as though they could make a legitimate run to the Stanley Cup final I'm loving every second of that as I you know keep an eye on that and the Celtic says I'm studying for this freaking check right here which I don't even know what the fuck I'm gonna take this goddamn thing I just I just keep every day

I'm walking it down walking it down today I learned about ODPs and and and SIDs you down with the ODPs yeah you know me obstacle departure procedures and standard instrument departures that's where the SID yeah you know what I find if you just try and memorize it it just doesn't stick but if I actually look it up and I watch videos and I understand exactly what the fuck it is it makes sense so obstacle departure procedures is that but when you get to the departure end of the runway you need to be 35 feet at least 30 yeah you 35 feet the air or something like that and then you you you climbed to 400 feet before you make your first turn something like that I don't I don't know and if there's some sort of obstacle

that penetrates that zone there's another way you do it there's all of this shit so I just was looking at it watching it and it is as dry as it sounds yet also really fascinating really fascinating all at the same time what does was stand for wide area augmentation system um Jesus anyway but I've been doing all right man I I feel like you know I'm finally doing some fucking productive work on myself where I have not snapped I started to oh you know what I did I went over to this fucking you know mom and pop like computer place because I've needed to complete clean my computer screen for fucking ever and I have the I have the juice under the sink to do it I just don't have the proper towel or cloth so I go over to the mom

and pop place because I don't want to go into a superstore right I don't want to do it but so I go over there and for like the fourth or fifth time I've tried to go over there it's been closed and I got out of the car and I started to have a meltdown I walked up it says we're open but the gates across it and I was like you know my mask on like I read the hours they closed at whatever time you know it's after I got there and I was just like fucking talk and then I just stopped the old me would have been I mean fucking time people would be looking at me in the parking but I brought it down I was I literally said out loud I don't want to get mad about this I walked to my car I'm not gonna lie to you rather deliberately got in my car I counted to 10 I

said I have a beautiful wife I got two beautiful kids I got a splash about pool I'm not gonna say it's a pool you do a cannonball you're gonna break your tailbone all right but it is a pool not bragging I'm not ashamed I'm just not 100% satisfied with what it does all right it's a giant it's a big bathtub that's outside so I got in my car and I drove away I said you know what fuck it I've tried four or five times this place I'm going to the superstore okay so I go into the superstore and it is a superstore it is a store and it is super it's amazing you walk in there and there is so much shit you literally forget what you were gonna buy as you're just grabbing shit off the shelf like a fucking grizzly bear so I went in there got what if I you know I say

to the lady I go yeah hi I need one of those cloths you know you know those cloth things you know it's the worst when you don't know what the fuck the name of it is so you know like when your computer screen gets all dirty and then you spray this stuff on it there's a special cloth and she starts mm-hmm yep yeah what you want to do is go to the computer section so I go where I go she goes you go down there and you hang a left right and I look and it looked like it was at least a quarter of a mile like I was standing next to shirts and way at the end of this aisle I saw produce like that's how fucking big the store was and I said ma'am that's a long way down at what at what point what am I gonna see when I go to make my left here and she's like oh you're

gonna see the greeting cards I and she laughs she goes yeah go to the greeting cards and make a left I say fine so I go down I make a left go all the way down to the end of the store and then I get to the fucking computer section and there's just nobody there so I was like okay and I start looking around chargers headphones gaming systems iPad accessories and I can't fucking find it and there's nobody there and this is usually when I would start flipping out talking about skeleton crews and this has nothing to do with COVID it has to do with the fact that these fucking assholes have have one employee for every 10,000 feet a fucking square space and then I actually just thought like you know it'd be hilarious if I just started yelling like screaming like I was in

pain until somebody came over so it's matter oh nothing that just wasn't anybody here to help me listen you know what do we call those cloths you know just go right into it and not even address that I just did what I did so I decided not to do that and instead I ended up I came in the aisle and I saw somebody wearing the vest that was the same color as the sign so I'm like they got to work here right they had on the blue vest you know but it's LA I'm like wait is this a Crip what am I doing I don't say the wrong thing and disrespect this person right so I come up and right is I'm gonna do it some other lady comes walking in and does the excuse me like you know I was clearly closer like if this is a parking spot it was my parking spot she took my guy right another way

I would have been muttering behind my mask you know you know me is this what senator's want this is how feminist you a fucking fair world that all year because you're a fucking woman you can do this shit because you know there's nothing I can fucking do but I would have done that shit but I didn't I just went oh she's gonna ask questions and she's a female so there's gonna be a lot of them and I'm just gonna stand here until this is over and I stayed for about 90% of I said excuse me and the guy fucking you know he was done actually because he went over and he helped me out and I found the fucking thing I start wandering around you know I grabbed the dishwashing liquid that I needed and right there I was done you know but then I grabbed a couple

of t-shirts you know nondescript you know t-shirt right one of those ones that when it wears out you don't give a fuck because it doesn't say the thing you were doing when you got it you know that's why I'm really big on t-shirts that don't have anything on them because I am no emotional attachment to him whatsoever like I've for the longest time just wanted to go through life dressed like Malcolm Young it just seems like you know it's the rock version of Albert Einstein where he just wore the same thing every day like Malcolm Young just had a fucking jeans a colored t-shirt now nothing written on it and a jean jacket if there was a little bit of a breeze but that was it the guy did that for 40 fucking years on the road and he seemed to do pretty good right

so anyway I go all the way around and I end up seeing I end up in the kitchen area and I see this little waffle maker for like little to make little mini waffles and my daughter absolutely loves waffles and when I make them I make them all like I'll fucking make waffles I don't give a shit what time of day it is all right she comes in she asked me if you know we have them for dinner I'll have them in the afternoon obviously for breakfast so I see they make these little mini ones my daughter really likes you know when I do the mixer she likes doing it herself you know mixing them up and helping me out and bringing the stool over and all of that so I'm looking at this going like how adorable would it be if I bought one of these little

mini waffle maker things right I'm doing the classic thing you know what I mean it's funny as you move through one of those superstores it's like going from one neighborhood to another you know what I mean and it's not like the neighborhood you want to be oh it's bad neighborhood this is not what I'm looking for I'm looking for a waffle maker okay I'm seeing I'm seeing glad uh what am I seeing here I'm trying to think what I'm seeing bicycles I'm in the wrong the wrong part of the store um so I take a picture and I send it to my wife and she laughed she said I already bought it for and normally that would have pissed me off that's another thing I'm really not really that stupid how stupid I lived life I'd be like you know yeah yeah I would have been like

yeah of course you did of course you did right of course you're already fucking because because you're fucking fucking buy everything right now when he flipped out I just now not doing that not doing that okay it's adorable it's gonna get her into cooking and one of the nicest things you can do for somebody is cook for him right so it's fine I don't care so anyway I get all of this shit right that I buy some I bought some food didn't I yeah I bought a little thing of cookies I came in there to get this fucking cloth and some dishwashing liquid I bought two t-shirts I bought a bag of cookies I know there was other shit I bought some sponges because you can never have enough sponges um two t-shirts sponges it's like that fucking annoying Christmas song

and the fucking cloth to wipe my computer right so I go up there and they got the self check out I don't do that shit I'm like fuck you I don't work for you if I do you're gonna fucking pay me so I'm standing in line and uh I get behind this lady and she is a chatty fucking Kathy and the fucking dude working there is engaging it's like stop humoring her just get to the and I finally just say you know what fuck this this is upsetting me I don't want to get upset you know what I'm gonna go over to the self check out fuck it and I go over there I show up I just say fuck it and I start scanning shit and you know what I'm scanning shit and I hate to say this I enjoyed it I enjoyed it because

I no longer had to listen to that fucking idiot running her goddamn yap trying to show how much personality she has whatever the fuck it is she was doing trying to win the the the most gregarious customer of the day fucking award never turned around this is the shit that pisses me like lack of empathy that there's people behind you that don't give a fuck about your story what they give a fuck about is you shutting up taking your shit out of your dumb little plastic fucking basket putting it on the fucking counter at some point she was looking in her phone she goes well if I can get that for less you know I'm gonna what's the number like she was gonna make a phone call I didn't even know what was going on so I go over there and I'm scanning all of that

shit I put it in the thing it took two seconds it was a great experience after all these years of fucking shit on that thing I'm still not on upset soul because I know I'm working for freak but I never thought the upside is I don't have to stand behind some shithead running their yap not giving a fuck that there's now six people behind you right like you have a drive down a street and there's somebody just like they don't pull over to the side of the road they just stop and then you're behind them and they do like the wave around it's like you didn't even inch over you didn't put your blinker on you didn't put your hazard on you find then when you fucking beep at them they have the fucking nerd nerve to look at you like what what did I do

what did you do what didn't you do right so long story short I do all of this bullshit I didn't snap had a great fucking time new experience self-checkout it wasn't as bad as I thought it got me away from that broad it was gonna piss me off I get home I fucking unpack everything and as I'm unpacking it I'm like wait a minute where's the fucking computer cloth with the little spray bottle I put it in the basket I don't remember I fucked up I don't know if it was I don't know if it was in the bottom and I didn't see it I don't know what it was but the main fucking reason that I went to this goddamn superstore and ended up in a self-checkout everything that I hate I didn't fucking you know I didn't get

upset in the fucking store right I get home and I don't have the thing the main reason why I went out I don't have that thing and guess what I didn't give a shit I said oh you got to be kidding me really my mother-in-law was over I said do you believe I did that and she laughed and I just said oh well I guess I'll go back to tomorrow so there you go there's hope now what's where I'm fighting now is I tell the story where I didn't get angry angry I still have some I still had a lot of anger for that lady I would say you know I don't know it's not that she's telling the story it's just that it's socially unacceptable for me to be like lady for the love of god there's six people behind you are you hitting on the guy just get a number what are you doing the fucking you don't

you're single aren't you I bet you are I fucking bet you are who the fuck wants to stand around listen to that yep you better lock something down soon before you looks go lady I'll tell you that right now because nobody and I mean I actually I can't say that somebody does somebody's gonna look at her one day and have a little mini heart attack and just fall in love with her and they be what are you what are you what was it about her I just I don't she just never shuts the fuck up and I love everything the endless stream of shit that just comes out of her mouth it just it just it brings peace to my heart like somebody is going to fall in love with that and I need if I'm really going to grow as a person I need to respect that

so ironically I don't have a meltdown but I come home and my daughter was just fucking having all kinds of a meltdown right she's been watching you know a little bit too much of the fucking tv and shit so I come on let's go outside and ride bikes and she goes I don't want to I said come on let's ride bikes she goes okay can you take me to the park I'm like I can't it's rush hour but tell me get over there it's gonna have to come home feed you and put you to bed so she has a friggin meltdown she doesn't want to go outside takes like 10 minutes to get her shoes on and I'm thinking my head once she gets on the bike she'll be fine she just meltdown meltdown meltdown meltdown now we're down in the garage meltdown she won't she's just sitting there and I'm riding

the bike thinking okay I'll ride a bike and maybe she'll jump in doesn't jump in and finally I stop riding the bike and then she tells me that I owe her an apology I'm like I didn't do anything wrong I just asked you to play with me and ride bikes and she's like dad how come how come sometimes I have to do what you want me to do I I wanted I don't why are adults tell me what to do I don't want I'm like oh my god this is like me in that superstore not wanting to use the self-checkout why do I have to work for free so I kind of respected what she was saying I was like look because I'm your father and you know I've lived a little more life than you and I know I know what's good for you she goes why can't I watch TV I go because you're gonna get dumb and fat I mean I just

tell her how tell it like it is that's what's gonna happen you're gonna be a dumb fatty just sitting there watching TV and so finally we end up getting inside I just say to hell with it we don't ride bikes we get inside she's still having a meltdown and all that stuff and finally I go why don't you just go in your room and lay down because I asked her I go did you take a nap today she said yes but she laid down I go go in there and just lay down she goes I want you to come in there with me so I say fine so I go in you know I lay down she's laying in a bed I'm laying on the floor and I don't know like three minutes later she is like just passed out totally passed out and I was like all right and I waited until she was really asleep and then I just snuck out and I put on a

little movie called Thunderbolt and Lightfoot starring Clint Eastwood and Jeff Bridges and George Kennedy and I am I have not seen this movie in forever it's on Hulu with the Cinemax appendix that you get to get that attachment thrown on it too and I forgot how funny Clint Eastwood was you know he made a lot of funny movies when I was growing up but you know or somewhere and like after The Unforgiven when he went on yet another like Oscar Terre or whatever he was making you know Gone Baby Gone no not Gone Baby Gone a million dollar baby he was making all these those types of movies and you know when I was growing up he was either killing everybody or just making you laugh you know he was either he was either

riding with an orangutan I always thought it was a tang orangutan or fucking blowing somebody's brains out needless to say he's been one of my favorites forever so I put that movie in and I just watched that now I came out here to do my podcast and as far as I know my daughter is still sleeping poor thing she got all fucking overwhelmed or whatever she's a good kid though all right here we go let's do let's do some reads here if I can find out where this is oh listen to this this week's episode it's not up yet of anything better the podcast I do with Paul Verzi Paul Verzi tries to convince me to watch Netflix new true crime hit about the son of Sam and he he does his best to try to convince me because they have like

a new there's some new theories out there that he didn't act alone and blah blah blah blah and all of this shit and as much as I wanted to believe what he was saying this is also a man who when he watched Kurt and Courtney like for 10 days straight I could not convince that man that Courtney love did not murder Kurt Cobain he was convinced the man was convinced warm things up this spring with a trip to cerilas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties described as small but mighty the rose is 25 percent off this month at cerilas along with all ns novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop cerilas in

indianapolis with six area locations and in anderson or shop online anytime at cerilas.com it's all right let me do some reads here um all right look who it is everybody it's my bookie how the fuck you doing all right baseball and basketball season are long and went up to with up to 400 potential matches a month you can make each and everyone matter by having skin in the game with my bookie dot ag whether you're placing a wager on your favorite team player or just looking for kicks my bookie gives you the best odds and tons of options to make all your favorite sports a hell of a lot more exciting bet on uh it says preferred sport am i supposed to fill in the blank here i don't know bet on the upcoming nba playoffs nhl playoffs take advantage of odds on

upcoming match slash event i don't know boxing ufc the odds on me ever using uh self checkout again i kind of liked it i kind of liked it or hit up the my bookie casino for the full fledged experience uh i'm not i'm not going to do self checkout unless this is my new rule if you're running you're fucking you happen you're not shutting up and the goddamn person behind the counter is actually enjoying the conversation i'm getting the i'm i'm i'm fucking i'm using i am using the self checkout because at this point i hope you lose your job see how well i'm doing with my temper or hit up the my bookie casino for a full fledged experience where weekly blackjack's tournaments uh give you and your friends a crack at prize pools of up to 50 000 people i just realized

every time black people always say everything black is negative right blackjack blackjack you win money there you go look at me being uplifting bringing races together maybe kidding all right go to my bookie dot ag sign up now and use promo code burr to get your first deposit matched up to a thousand bucks let them know we sent you that's my bookie dot ag promo code burr burr to get that free deposit bonus and start your day off with a win bet anything anytime anywhere with my bookie all right oh headspace man headspace would it be great if there was a pocket size guide that helped you sleep focus act be better i could use that today in the superstore there is and if you have 10 minutes headspace can change your life headspace is your daily dose of mindfulness in

the form of guided meditation in an easy to use app headspace is the all is one of the only meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation through clinically validated research so whatever the situation headspace can really uh headspace really can help you feel better overwhelmed headspace has a three-minute sos meditation for you needs some help falling asleep headspace has wind down sessions their members swear by and for parents headspace even has morning meditation you can do with your kids really how the hell do you do that headspace don't touch me don't stop stop touching him it's the bill cosby bit headspace approach to mindfulness can reduce stress improve sleep boost focus and increase your overall sense of well

well-being improve sleep is huge people because if they're now finding i guess connections to possibly connections to dementia and um all simmers with uh i don't know how asleep helps to prevent that i should say i don't know headspace is back but i said that not headspace okay headspace is backed by 25 published studies on its benefits 600,005 star reviews and over 60 million downloads that's amazing right there you can tell how much people need to try and find a little bit of peace here headspace makes it easy for you to build a life-changing medic meditation practice with mindfulness that works for you on your schedule anytime anywhere you deserve to be happier to feel happier and headspace is a meditation is meditation made simple go to headspace.com

slash burr that's headspace.com slash burr for a free one month trial with access to headspace's full library of meditations for every situation this is the best deal offered right now heads headspace.com slash burr today jesus um anyway what the hell was i what the heck was i talking about there um all right look at me getting all these damn text messages just blowing up it's blowing up i'll tell you what i'm doing tonight i'm gonna fucking take an epsom salt bath that's it i'm gonna look at my flashcards how can i do that my hands will be wet oh well fuck their flashcards i'll look at them once like i'll fall asleep looking at my flashcards and um i don't know i got this weird i'm gonna be honest with you guys i have this weird thing where um i'm loving being like

totally sober but also am like terrified of the fact that i'm never gonna get fucked up again because you know i don't know because it's fun there i said it there's like a few times like i really want to like just i don't know i want to get fucked up because i'm stressed and i think i need a drink and that's usually that's the wrong reason to drink then there's other times it's like i don't have anything to do and i just think you know how fuck because you know i really said no to a lot of shit i'm starting to do that now so i can be more relaxed not be so fucking overwhelmed in fact i was just talking to somebody on the phone they said uh you sound uh not happier um you sound

relaxed more relaxed so i was like all right so something's working here um yeah i i would lie to you there's a few things that i really think about you know it's funny is i always think about them doing them alone too that's what's hilarious and you know they always say like um you know if you drink alone that's a bad thing if you do this shit alone it's a bad thing it's like there's other theories it's like or you know maybe you know you got fucked up as a kid and if you were alone you were safe so you kind of like being alone there is that you know i'm one time talking to my buddy duroza about drinking alone he goes i love drinking alone like i fucking love it too i love it i loved it i didn't feel any shame or anything like that i i could just

sit there and entertain myself i would think funny thoughts chuckle to myself miss granted this before i had kids and shit but i really enjoyed it but i am afraid the same way if i have a dessert then i'm gonna eat bad for like a week if i don't immediately have a fucking salad if there was a way for me to just like go out you know and just do it and then just not do it again for a while so what i'm thinking of i'm gonna i'm gonna experiment with that everybody's like don't do it don't do it not with drinking i just don't want to end the streak you know i think i'm coming up on like 900 days i believe in a few days right so i'm thinking of like you know i got my

buddies coming out here i haven't smoked a cigar since february i smoked cigars in january and february i didn't smoke in march in april so it's two to two i don't want to smoke this month so i'll be up three months to two and then june you know just for the excitement of it i'll tie it up you know keep everybody guessing um all right i know i'm out of my fucking mind i'm trying all right i'm trying what do you want for me okay um all right that's the podcast here just a little quick half hour how you like me are you trying to figure out why you're so fucked up that's what i'm doing um anyways have a great weekend you cunts we got a little bit of music here picked out by the great andrew themalus and afterward uh we have a bonus half hour special

of the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast and you know if you're in line in a superstore you know glance over your shoulder okay just see what's behind you and you know you don't have to but it'd be nice if you just shut the fuck up and make it happen the fucking yammering even when i pulled out of the superstore this fucking guy in front of me right he's got his card he sticks the card in and then he got it you gotta scan the sales slip to show that you paid for something so you know the parking's free and he's fucking sitting there like he's waving a flag like somebody like you know you ever see like when somebody like uh

you know the end of a drag race an illegal one there's somebody like oh it waves the flag to fucking get you going he's waving the receipt like that he can't pick it up and i'm just sitting there looking at his dumb hand connected to his stupid arm connected to that body that has that fucking hard drive sitting right on the top of his head i don't know how many gigabytes but the guy i'm not a computer guy but it just was you know remember how big and thick the old fucking laptops where that's what his fucking head was like and i'm just sitting there looking at this guy and he finally gets it to work and i'll tell you i pulled up the gate barely went down i stuck the card in i stuck the thing out

the the the the thing for my shit and i left half it in the goddamn basket is i'm calling this guy a moron it went right back up again and i can't even tell you how superior i felt in that moment all right peoples i'll talk to you on monday oh and it's given don't know all i know is that we gotta get it we gotta make it oh hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast from monday

may 13th 2013 how are you how's it going uh oh may 13th 2013 a lot of 13s are you superstitious do you think 13 is an unlucky number let me ask you this why why do you think it's unlucky because you were told that from the day you were born you know stay away from that 13 it's a fucking bad egg really yeah it's a it's a number you know about 13 you can't get to 14 you know you raise how fucking childish that is like all these hotels where they they they call the 13th floor the 14th floor you know it's like dude we're on the 13th floor i don't give a shit what you call it you start calling an apple in orange i bite into it it's still a

fucking apple you know i i don't understand like the thing that i will never get past is how fucking childish adults are that you know these hot these fucking hotels had to not have a 13th floor because there's so many fucking people that believe in that horseshit that they literally will they won't i don't want to stay on the 13th floor why because you're worried the 14th floor is going to collapse onto it you stupid fucks you know and you know what kills me no bill what kills you well i'll tell you god damn it what kills me is how because of the dollar these fucking people they they they pander to them do you i want to get a room in the hotel okay we got 1306 i can't stay on the 13th floor i i i can't stay i need another floor 13th unlucky

and what do they do they give them another floor you know right there they should be like well listen why don't you fucking grow up what do you think we use a less great of quality concrete when we made that floor you asshole you know what fuck you we don't want you staying at this hotel i don't know you know it's like that guy up in toronto right may police fan who made the toronto stronger sign and they take the amount of outrage on that it's like how old are people you know you're gonna get upset by that don't make fun of our sign you know and then you're looking at the guy like what you think he actually supports the terrorists like how fucking old are people drives me up the fucking wall i saw that i

actually i didn't see the sign somebody tweeted to me that you know that someone made that sign and it made me laugh because i knew what he meant i know he doesn't support the fucking terrorists you know what happened was that boston strong came about because of those attacks and then the Bruins started wearing it and after you see enough pictures i'd like marshan and those guys which says boston strong it kind of also morphs into we're saying that our team stronger than your team that's all it is i'm not i'm not gonna lie to you the ribbon was a little far all right but what the fuck can we just be adults and stop getting guys stop getting fucking outraged oh i'm saying we i gotta stop doing that this the most annoying thing ever can a number of you become adults

okay and stop having outrage over absolute fucking bullshit and maybe have it about something that affects your fucking life like these banker cunts you know the ones you get to check to every week every week who are robbing you fucking blind can you have outrage about that how about that instead of a fucking sign or pink socks you know you're not wearing pink you don't support i'll just go fuck yourself sorry jesus what the hell did that all come from you know why because it's may 13th and then seven seven's lucky can somebody for the love of fucking god tell me why seven's lucky and don't even tell me because it wins on the first rolling craps because after that if you don't roll it then you fucking crap out on it more time than they're not

why is seven lucky because of burt jones what the fuck number was joe thysman wasn't he number seven and he got his leg fucking shattered dude got it fucking shattered joe thysman with that fucking that one goddamn bar across you know i don't know all right it's not an unlucky day and it friday the 13th bad things coming threes how old are you when are you gonna fucking grow up and grab this steering wheel you know and just stop letting the car float around and you live in your whole life through fate you know i fucking hate when people hate when people are going for something and they don't get it and then they just oh you know i

guess it wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be he just fucking you know he just fucking throw it up in the air like a bunch of fucking confetti that's your life how about if you didn't fuck it up it wouldn't would have been uh meant to be you know uh i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about here um anyways i am in boston massachusetts right now and um i'm gonna go to the game tonight game seven the only happy thing about that it's gone seven games um but i've i've learned to be i've learned that this is how the bruins do it this year they take the first two periods off and then they decide to start playing oh no no no earlier this year they play the first two periods they'd score two goals and then the other team would gradually tie it up and then

we'd lose an overtime it's been one of the most frustrating years as a fan i still love them i still support them but um you know i i i fucking knew it i sound like verzi but i called it after game four i know yesterday i tweeted that thing you know i was trying to have to give the bruins something positive where i said the toronto sun was going to say blue jay sore leafs fall but if you really look at my tweet after game four yeah four we went up three games to one where i said this series isn't over i don't want to go back to toronto toronto doesn't deserve to be down three games to one and i got all that shit from fucking bruins fans do you know what i'm talking about now why were you ignoring that that series couldn't have easily been two to two if not three

one the other way you know and not to take anything away from toronto but when you don't fucking show up ready to play in the in the playoff playoffs you know what do you think's gonna happen if you don't fucking turn it up a notch until the final 10 minutes of the game and what fucking kills me is whenever they do that then then they go out and they score a goal i don't know what it is i love the bruins too much to ever say that i don't think that they have what it takes this year but um that's what they keep doing you know i feel like toronto was played more consistently they shit the bed game one without a doubt but uh other than that they played great game two game three we kind of got them but they didn't play

bad and game four was a fucking classic and then i don't know what we've been doing the last two games just skating around like we're out there the icica page like oh maybe this is the game we can close them out so um but i have faith i think we're gonna do it tonight i think they're actually gonna fucking maybe come out with the same intensity that they had in the final 10 minutes of the last two games i hope they do or else we're gonna lose and you know what we're gonna we're gonna 100% deserve it and uh i don't hate toronto or their fans there's always a couple of conti people on twitter but i in general i like them and i actually went to a bruins toronto game a few years ago i liked them up there and uh congratulations and thank you to the auto with senators for

knocking out the hated habs i actually watched the replay of the game wanting to totally enjoy watching all the canadian fans filing out of the building and you know what they didn't some of them did but there's always fair weather fans but i gotta tell you i would actually uh was impressed like 80 to 85 percent of the habs fans stayed there and in the end even though they were losing like six to one they all got up gave the team a standing ovation saying that stupid oh lay oh lay oh lay song and i was like you know what those are awesome fans you know in toronto if you lose tonight i want to tell you you have to blame the canadians the canadian fans all right because you guys were already in a bad way until they put that fucking patrick walk hex on all of canada

what they did to arguably the greatest goaltender who ever played the game the way they fucking humiliated him and they haven't learned a thing they haven't learned a thing they still do that sarcastic cheer when they're fucking goaltenders getting shelled they're just always gonna be these fucking croissant eaten cunts spoiled fucking brats the most spoiled fans i've ever seen in my fucking life the way that they treat their own players is is is horrific all right what they did to patrick walk not only fuck them for god knows how long put a hex on their team what they did was so disrespectful to the game of hockey that was created in canada not only have the montreal canadians never won another cup since that moment

no other team in canada has won it look at the vancouver canucks they were up two games to none they had the bruins right where they wanted them and then what boros got fucking possessed decides to bite who the fuck did he bite on the bruins they woke up the bear and they proceeded to lose four of the next five games and lord stanley stayed down in a lower 48 sorry sorry for all the hockey talk to all the ladies out there and for all the guys out there who don't watch fucking hockey because you'd rather watch what baseball is that what you'd rather watch great day for a ball game it's uh zero zero here the uh fourth inning uh lovely mother's day afternoon there's a ball outside and uh this is the 79th pitch and this is bad i'll tell you

he's never an heck of a bat there's a ground ball the second base slips it over to first two outs here the fourth inning i'll tell you when you look at this boston skyline you know it's just it's just really wonderful i like uh some of my favorite buildings to stare at while i watch this game that's called the sport um i'm sorry i just can't i cannot get into fucking baseball i tried blanching the red i've watched the red socks in so long like i didn't even i i pop he's the only guy left on the team that i even know it's just been so fucking long since i watched it you know it's just everybody was testing positive for steroids and i was just like look either legalize them or get them out of the goddamn game all right but stop telling me

getting me all excited about shit and then four years later telling me it didn't really count you know what i mean i still love baseball but uh i don't know how do i watch that when playoff hockey's going on you know what i mean how about those la kinks uh now right there that's that's as a sports fan that's what i like to see they go down two games to none and then they just kind of look around like oh are we gonna stop fucking around here and then they just immediately turn it on that's very impressive considering they won the cup last year and usually you have the little hangover there so uh all right i'm done fucking yapping about hockey let's let's get on with the podcast here um so i'm gonna go to the game here tonight now i'm still talking about hockey

and i got a good feeling that we're actually gonna try and uh we're actually gonna try tonight that's what i would just like at this point if we could just maybe try for fucking three periods actually play up to our potential we still might not win but can we go down swinging can we just fucking do that um anyways here's something that somebody set me um they're working on this microchip that will save your memory scientists set the implant device to preserve experiences into brains a group of us researchers believe that a microchip that will help create memories in damaged brains could be implemented into human volunteers in the next two years the scientists from the University of Southern California Wake

Forest University and others have been looking into the what is that the hippocampus the part of the brain that is vital in forming long-term memories for around a decade okay they've been doing this so this is this is their way in so these wonderful researchers at USC and Wake Forest as always their hearts are in the right place but what kills me is it's like as they're creating this thing i always wondered do they sit around when they create something like this and did they ever go good lord what if this falls into the wrong hands what if somebody like Dick Chady or Donald Rumsfeld or any one of those other guys that looks like they don't even have a fucking heartbeat what if it falls into their hands what are they

gonna do with this shit i'm telling you we're all gonna be i'm where i i might not be microchipped in my lifetime but i will tell you this at some point in my lifetime and i figured they're gonna do it through some sort of like they're gonna scare the fuck out of people that their babies are gonna get kidnapped all right and that what they're gonna do is eventually they're gonna pass a law that all babies born from this day on for their own safety and their own protection will be microchipped all right it's gonna creep out a guy like me who isn't microchipped but i'm gonna die off and then what's gonna happen is just people from day one are gonna have a microchip in them and they're not gonna question it and occasionally somebody will question it and then they'll just

be like what are you a fucking conspiracy theorist do you realize that if every human being was microchipped do you realize the ability to revolt how limited it is if you ever were to be suddenly under an oppressive power if everybody was microchipped you know and this is what kills me is i know you this most of you are rolling your eyes going this sounds like crazy talk you know why because you would never do something like that you know i don't fucking know anyways let's get into some advertising that's a nice setup it's a nice setup from advertising all right everybody right out of the gate all right i've been telling you this for years you don't have to go to the post office anymore there's nothing okay stamps dot com here we go there's

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here strap yourselves in personal capital personal capital two things suck about managing your money it's hard to keep track of you got stocks bonds 401k ira bank accounts etc all on different sites with their own username and password then you pay someone to management and you uh to manage it and you're probably paying too much that's why you got to go to personal capital it takes under a minute to set up just go to the podcast page on bill burr dot com and click on personal capital banner on the personal capital banner excuse me then you can see your whole net worth and how each asset is performing on one screen on your computer or through their app on your phone or tablet tablet what the hell's a tablet is that like an ipad it sounds very biblical

just pictured myself in a long row with a white beard holding my tablet um then it shows you how much you're paying money managers and brokers and fees and how much you can do those fees and even gives you specific areas where you can improve your investment strategy basically what what should have been done all the entire time is now finally being done all right this thing is really is a really smart way to make your uh your money grow quicker it's run by a former CEO of paypal and it's totally free totally free everybody to sign up for free go to the podcast page on bill burr dot com and click on the personal capital banner there you are all right so anyways back to the damn podcast here um as mentioned before i'm here in boston and uh

you know what i didn't realize that i missed i i missed the chinese food here in boston all right and i ate so much of that shit i left boston massachusetts in 1995 in 1995 and uh at that point i'd gotten drunk so many times and ended up in a chinese food restaurant that to even smell chinese food made me i almost got sick all right so now every time i've come back to boston i've always avoided it and i remember one night being at the laugh factory talking to dane cook and he told me he'd just come back from boston and the first thing he did was he went out and got a poo poo platter and ate all this fucking chinese food and i almost got sick as i was listening to him chicken fingers crab rangoon all this east coast chinese i was so

fucking sick of it and i was and i was actually laughing to myself as he was telling me the story like thinking to myself that this guy must really love chinese food you know and then i realized that he doesn't drink like me so he probably didn't od on it like an asshole at three in the morning for 20 years straight like i did not 20 years more like eight but it was but it felt like 20 you know so anyways the other night um i had an amazing night i went to my alma mater and uh oh billy redface got himself an award and uh it was a very overwhelming night actually i couldn't even get through my freaking speech i had to like cut it short because i was getting all emotional like a little little fucking school girl there um what i meant to say that night by the way for anybody

was there was that emerson college it really changed my life because i was absolutely flailing in my life at that point i was a 22 year old i just finished my freshman year of college at 22 and i didn't take any time off i was going to college from the time i graduated until the time i was 22 all right basically three and a half four years at that point um and i i had just finished my freshman year i was a convicted drunk driver i had a giant orange afro i didn't have anything i had nothing going on and uh i transferred to emerson college and then immediately i don't know i i i those kids were the same kind of weird that i was some more weird some less weird but in general

and i got there with this the sole purpose of getting over the fear of standing in front of a crowd so every class basically at that school you could somehow ham it up and get out in front of the class and that's what i did and i got involved in radio because i felt like if i i could just i could talk on a mic to people that i couldn't see and uh i don't know within a year there was a talent contest the next thing you know i'm doing stand-up comedy so uh that's what i wanted to say so thank you to emerson college and thank you for giving me the award it was unreal unreal night steven right former emerson uh student actually presented the award set a bunch of nice things and it was uh it was it was too much too much i gotta tell you that

so anyway so later on that night um no i was literally i gotta go back to that i was literally blown away you know this is a guy that i saw make johnny carson like laugh like i'd never seen him laugh like you could tell that he knew that he this just wasn't another comic that this was one of those guys that comes along once every 15 20 25 years and um to have him present the award it was just it was amazing so definitely a big thanks to him so anyway so later on that night i woke up with some of my family i'm having a couple of beers and i you know and it's like the next thing no it's two in the morning i'm in the outskirts of boston everybody's getting hungry there's only one fucking thing left to do let's go get some chinese food and i'm thinking i don't want to get

chinese i didn't think really think one way or the other and we sat down at this place to fucking tahiti out in dead of massachusetts and sat down we got crab rangu we got that those gelatinous fucking ribs i got some egg rolls some fried rice and i have to tell you it was fucking delicious the greatest things i've had the greatest meals i've had since i can remember and i know it all went straight to my artery and it's still sitting in there and i'm amazed that i don't have chest pains right now um i i i i'm smart enough to not go get it again but that's how good it was because then i'll od on it again but i'm i'm fucking pissed that i didn't get chicken chicken fingers are fucking gross though it's basically it looks like uh like the kenby matumbo's

finger except lighter but just as long you remember in living color when they used to make fun of arsineo putting that one finger in the air and they made it like extra long that's the shape of it i don't know what part of the chicken is shaped like that that was the big joke chickens don't have fingers what the fuck is this it's basically like nine million chickens they all mash together and then they just start chopping them up in the shape of a giant fucking index finger then they bread the shit and they deep fry it then they give you some duck sauce and then you eat it at two thirty in the morning and it goes right to you fucking hot um so anyways i don't even know what the point of that story is was i i'm literally giving a shout out to food at this point why not

anyways oh by the way i'm doing uh i'm gonna be in las vegas this this weekend coming up at the mirage casino i think there were a couple of tickets left this is my big you know first time i've ever headlined las vegas um at one of the major casinos i've done some of the smaller ones but this is the first time so i feel like this is my first official one so uh i'm basically going to be coming out on stage the way the bruins play in the final 10 minutes of a playoff game except i'm gonna do it from the beginning to the end hopefully hopefully i don't have a letdown um so anyways uh whoever's gonna be out there i hope to see you guys and with that with that let's get to uh let's get to some uh let's get to some emails for this week

uh but some phenomenal emails over the last couple of weeks and i think this week's gonna be no different so let's delve in shall we um oh before i do that shit by the way somebody told me about i think i was on the bob and tom show and they told me about this daily mail website and it's one of the most depressing websites i've ever been to in my life terror at the mother's day parade this is this is the headlines horrific moment three gunmen opened fire in broad daylight during street festival leaving 19 people including two young children injured uh judge bans girl 14 from every school in county after she films herself mercilessly beating another student as a gang of 30 classmates watch so they're already depressing you

and then they try to fucking lighten it up by a little bit by saying a brahless jennifer aniston is steered around by justin i don't know who justin is i guess that that's her boyfriend but even then it's kind of negative he's staring her around like what jennifer can't go with she i want to go into amber crummy get over here bitch um i got a couple are these the worst passengers of all time bloggers expose the rudest most disgusting commuters in new york one of them's just a girl eating food i don't think that that's bad another one's a fucking out of shape transvestite or cross dresser with his fucking sports bra on his big belly hanging out somebody doing a split

i don't know look at richard nixon's fucking grandson and eris jesus christ look at the fucking gigantic rack on her you know what is funny though the church of Scientology got busted for photoshopping and more people at an event in portland to make it seem like a huge crowd when in reality only 750 people were there or the catholic church is fucking trying to to ruin Scientology and claiming that they photoshopped people in when they didn't you know kind of like how the nfl tried to stop the afl who knows but i can tell you what you can take both those religions toss them in the fucking trash you know how old are you people nobody knows what's out there after you die

all right stop getting up early on sunday there's really no point to it sleep in real age what's up bill this is uh so-and-so in such-and-such city me and my fiance are getting married soon and her fucking wookie of a mother or the rest of her family still don't know how old i am well that's great sir that's a great way to start a relationship for the rest of your life she is 23 and i'm 37 we've been making each other come for three years now any advice on how to break this info to these cunts yeah i have some advice why don't you call off the fucking marriage why don't you do that all right considering this is the woman that you love and the way you describe your relationship is that they make each other come for the last three years you're

describing the mother of this woman you allegedly love as a fucking wookie um yeah we're considering she's probably gonna age like her i guess she's eventually gonna turn into a wookie too i don't know dude you don't sound like you're mature enough i got it but you could also just be trying to make me laugh so i have no idea um wow it's a little late for this sir you know this is actually wrong because i went to a wedding this is why back here in Boston i actually went to a wedding one of the great weddings i have but yeah isn't is there anything fucking better than going to a wedding where the two people look like they should be getting married you just see it you feel the spot between the two of them there's nothing better

you combine that with great food in an open bar in a great live band i'll tell you you got yourself a hell of an evening i went to an awesome wedding this weekend me and the lovely nia we had a great time and uh now i gotta read this shit um any advice on how to break this info to these cunts yeah i'd write a poem i'd figure out what rhymes with 37 maybe you could sing it to him i love your daughter when i'm with her it's heaven oh by the way i got great pubes because i'm 37 yeah sorry about that you fucking wookie how about that why don't you do something like that i don't know how to do that sir i've never been involved in a lie that deep that's that's some deep shit there sir listen you you're gonna have to

fucking tell them soon or the only way out of this is there's gonna be a couple of body bags all right what's wrong with you why didn't you tell them out of the gate you know why because you feel like a creep don't you sir you feel like a creep you know when you make references to britney spears and she doesn't even know who that is that's actually me you know the other night i used that reference because i needed a reference for a flusy and i threw up britney spears and like this younger crowd just sat there staring at me and i actually did the math in my head and i had to be like wait a minute britney spears is now a 31 32 year old divorced mother of two and i was just like jesus christ i'm fucking old

who is the flusy reference of the moment you know you can't even say lady god got this point she's so fucking old now she had to get a hip replacement you know like your grandmother Taylor swift right maybe it's her Taylor swift looks like one of those cats that just fucking creeps you out you know that voodoo shit like they sit on your chest and they suck the soul out of you she is that like you could never snuggle with her and not feel that she was slowly killing you you know do you think she sleeps in a pod and she have like that that webtoe look about her that's really mean but i don't know i saw this

thing on her 60 minutes one time and the crowd was cheering and she looked up in the upper deck and she just did the creepiest look to the upper deck deck and just went oh my god like really like this totally phony like i can't believe you guys are cheering at me like that i don't know oh christ i don't even know what i'm saying anymore uh past this prime prime question mark hello william i need some advice by the way you guys you all realize i'm a moron right i flunked everything in high school okay this is on you if you take my advice and it doesn't work you know you should go talk to somebody who actually professionally gives out advice and part of your therapy session should be why you take advice from somebody

doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about oh bill shut up and just read it okay all right hi bill i need some advice my fiance and i used to have in an insane sex life two to three times a day crazy marathon sex sessions we used to celebrate sexter day what does that mean what is that when you reminisce about how much you fucked yesterday ah you kids i don't know what you're talking about sex today boo boo oh my fucking seems so far away i put it in your ass and not because i'm gay i just fucked your veg enough fucking times ooh you're fucking veg you know it's like i woke up and the lyrics just came to me to the point i thought did someone else talk about this somebody else are we right this song um not for lack of

trying on my part i love giving him blowjobs oh what a champ she says she loves giving blowjobs and now he always says not right now when i try uh we welcomed our first baby six months ago i am now in better shape than i was before i got pregnant i do yoga and run every day and feel sexier than ever i am 22 and he is 40 as he passed his prime he's been stressed out lately does that keep men from getting it up um he was my first so the only thing i know about male sexuality is what i know about him usually he can't keep his hands off me help bill it's hard not to take this personally thank you well aren't you a sweetheart um you like giving blowjobs and you're very polite and you know how to write a letter god damn it you're a keeper and you are

virgin at 22 you saved yourself and here this guy comes along the grizzled vet in the final year of a three-year contract you know once you sign the contract he stops producing well i for one i feel for you um did he watch you give birth you know that that that new thing that they do over the last 20 30 years back in the day he used to just stand out in the waiting room with a big stogie just stand out how's she doing is there blood pressure dropping oh she passed away on the table ah fucking 120 dollars in cigars out the window he used to stand out there in the waiting room you know and you let the doctors be doctors i don't understand why the guy has to be in there i i don't this is a big fucking debate between me and the lovely nia like i don't understand why

this why you have to fucking be in there you know when i go down to minus muffler do i fucking stand underneath it as he's sitting there and the sparks are flying i don't know how to weld you know hey you got a busted aspirated tube i don't know where that is i don't know what it is why am i there you know i should be out in the fucking waiting room so anyways what did he stand there and then just watch something alive come out of your vagina maybe it's it's kind of because i hear that guys have like maybe performance issues after that you know there's a whole bunch of things that could be going on here so i don't want to put too many how are you guys doing financially how is his job security you know does he spend a lot of money this is the other shoe

about ready to drop are you one of those one of those couples that i see on those reality shows you know does he wear like a lot of t-shirts or like button down shirts that have a lot of designs on them a lot of drawing you know does he fake tan is he one of those guys because if he's one of those guys then i would guess that you're actually broke and have been broke for eight months and he does not tell you um but if he's a regular guy all right i'm i'm joking around too much about this this is actually a serious thing all right help me build it's hard not to take this personally i would bring it up to him you got to sit down and hopefully he's not a walled off emotional psycho like most guys if you bring it up and hopefully you can bring it up to him without

him getting mad but um i that's what i would do i bring it up and just be like hey uh you know you haven't been banging me lately and i know i'm looking pretty good and you do it all the time but what's the deal you know just that's the essence of it just stretch that out into about eight minutes and say a lot of loving things um do that thing when you put your hand on the you know the women they put their hand on your their forearm on the dude's forearm and they and they move you move your thumb side to side and just be like hey how come we're not fucking anymore i don't know how to do it that's what i would do i think you need to talk to him rather than make uh i would not take it personally you know you're you're a fucking champ you love giving blowjobs you're in the prime of

your life you had a kid what did you do you got yourself right back in shape you're in the best shape of your life it's not on you so i wouldn't take it personally so there's obviously something going on with him and you love the guy so try to help him bring it out you know oh Jesus all right there you go there's that i hope that helped i don't fucking know let's let's take a break from my ignorant my ignorant fucking advice to talk to you about this everybody e-voice e-voice is the reason you're gonna make more money in 2013 well actually it's your great idea combined with e-voice all right e-voice don't take all the credit you know all right when your customers call you'll have your own toll-free number professional greeting dial by name directory and more you'll sound more like a

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what i'm talking about it's a great way to support my podcast and it's an easy way to make money this year go to evoist.com promo code bill that's evoist.com promo code bill or just go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click on the evoist banner ad right now okay now you know when i bring this stuff up you know you know that father's day is coming up i was speaking of which yesterday i took my mother out for an ice cream for mother's day and i got up to the window and i realized i didn't have any money and then she had to pay for it i did hit an ATM on the way home but it really kind of killed a lot of the vibe but anyways i was happy to be home for mother's day so after mother's day what comes next everybody

memorial day what comes after that flag day what comes after that father's day actually i think father's day is before flag day and what do i sell you every year the man great system the man great system everybody this father's day think the man great what is the man great you ask what is the man great you think of as you rub your chin this is what they are these are actually great i wish they had these when i was a kid when i was growing up on my little hibachi they're a hundred percent made in america made in america cast iron grilling grates that are revolutionizing the way people grill heavy-duty grilling grates deliver exactly what you need to achieve that perfect steakhouse flavor chicken steak or veggies will never

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day special or click the man great banner on the show website uh hundred percent made in america hundred percent cast iron hundred percent steakhouse quality in your backyard all right remember each monday morning podcast order comes with a heavy-duty grilling brush again that's the man great grill enhancement system order today man great dot com and at the coupon code burr burr at the checkout all right there you have it so back to the back to the questions back to the questions here what the hell am i all right can we find it there we go all right this one's titled oh jesus uh dear billy goat fuckface there's a new one there's a new one i am a 23 year old man from paduca kentucky now why would you tell me that i didn't want to read that there's probably 18 people

in your your town right needless to say there isn't much to do about five months ago i met a girl who's two years younger than me and moved into town from fucking east kanga manga uh we hit it off almost instantly it was great you know what i'm gonna have somebody bleep out this city all right i gotta have him bleep out the city in the state he goes we hit it off almost instantly it was great she is beautiful educated and has a great ass sorry a little al Pacino for you uh we took things slow and i found that to be something unique in today's time most girls give it up within a day or two but she wanted to take things slow and i appreciated that i found myself falling head over heels for this girl i hadn't been with anyone in over two years and i felt that if she was wait and i felt

as if she was a sign that maybe there was a bit of hope in this world to be happy and she communicated with me that she felt the same way okay so about two weeks ago we went out to a bar and we had some drinks played some pool and had a great time and ended up getting a little frisky with each other i drove her home totally expecting that tonight would be the night i was going to bang this beautiful woman when we reached her driveway we started making out in the car and asked if she wanted to come in she got real quiet and said under her breath yes but and of course i said but what and that's when she told me she is a transsexual i literally yelled i was so shocked by what i heard i could hardly keep myself together and i told her him whatever that i wasn't going to go upstairs with

her and i would call it tomorrow and she got out of the car crying and said i was born this way like some lady gaga shit wait a minute trans what is what is what is transsexual like a hermaphrodite wait a second oh Jesus bill you're too you're too fucking dumb why do you guys why do you guys write me is this is this the fun is this the fun part of it just finding out how fucking dumb i am transsexual this is hilarious now i have this on my search engine transsexual and nia will use my computer and look up like transcontinental and transsexual is going to come off bill is there something we need to talk about um transsexual here we go a person

who's undergone a sex change operation a person whose sexual identification is entirely with the opposite sex all right well that just may be even more confused so if you had an operation how were you born this way or she's or the person saying i just identified with being a female oh i said because so they had a set there so the dude had a sex change operation okay he goes i haven't spoke to her since it's s i n c e not s e n c s e um that night besides a few text messages she's going on about how much she loves me and she is sorry she didn't tell me sooner it's even gone as far as me having to turn off my phone because she won't stop calling i've never been pursued like this before what do i do part of me actually

feels bad but i can't see myself banging an ass every night while my sweaty balls slap against her sweaty balls now wait a minute i thought the person had the operation don't they remove that you know i don't fucking know regardless of how gay this may sound i still think she's incredibly hot i knew it was too good to be true should i tell her that i'm just not interested anymore and completely cut her off or should i be her friend or should i go bang her ass it's weird the thought of banging her ass excites me but the thought of her junk swinging around makes me want to throw up just thinking about it thanks bill and come do a show in such and such states sometime you fuck um

what should you do i don't know i honestly don't know what's funny is you're literally just like you're mentally where she is sexually you know i don't know like you got it you got a it's like you're standing on the state line and you got a foot in either state just like her you know so i think your your emotions are normal and i hate when fucking people get offended by this shit and they go dead dead fucking you you know they get all offended like that dude is now a woman it's like no that is a dude that fucking uh is a different kind of dude now

you know it's that's not a woman it's still a dude it's just a different kind of dude you know what it's like you ever see when somebody does uh buys an old car and they take all the chrome off it they want that nice clean look yeah that's what they do to their their their their crotch but you know that's a dude that took the chrome off you know i don't know what to tell you other than uh i don't i don't know do do like that that's fucking i don't know do do whatever the fuck you want to do is what i i would say let me go back and read what you said should i tell him i'm not just anymore completely cut her off

all right part of me actually feels bad because i can see myself because i can't see myself banging an ass every night while my sweaty balls slap against her sweaty balls well if it makes you feel better i don't think the balls are there anymore although they might have kept them like a hood ornament i have no idea yeah Jesus i really am a moron uh regard regardless of how gay this may sound i still think she's incredibly hot you know why don't you just split the difference to get a blowjob i don't know what to tell you that's so funny i knew it was too good to be true this poor bastard um i i would say this i'd say you'd want to sit on that decision don't be like the baltimore colts in the 1983 draft did you guys just watch that 30 for 30 where they

immediately walked up two seconds in and they selected john elway you know rather than fucking wait in the full two minutes or whatever to see if anybody gave him an offer and then they ended up with nothing i would i'd sit on this one for a minute um and i think that this person's actually pursuing you the way that they are because they're in a desperate situation which is that the whole thing is in reality the whole thing is unfortunate you know people should be able to be who they are you should be able to like who you like and that person should be able to from day one say that they're transsexual without getting judged the reason why they didn't say it was because they were worried about this fucking moment here which once again is another sad

depressing thing about humanity um i would say follow your heart sir you know and not your balls if you really want to find love there you go balls in your court no pun intended all right advice for a young lady hey billington um very very original ones this this this week people coming up with different ways to butcher my name i'm i'm i'm joining these i am in need of some advice for a young lady i love and i love that some women are actually piping in despite the fact how much i talk about hockey on this podcast what do you say women don't like hockey yes this is what i'm saying um i'm an 18 year old high school senior entering my freshman year of college i got into my dream school with the scholarship

ah do you know how bad i wish that i did that which i studied in high school anyways and i'm moving out of my shithole town and everything finally finally seems to be making up for all the shit that i went through in high school one of my really good friends is going to the same university as i am and we're renting an apartment together however my friend is an 18 year old straight guy and i am a straight girl uh-oh the gender thing could add a whole other level of difficulty on top of adjusting to living with a new person in a new city away from everything i grew up around we've been friends practically since we were in diapers we can talk jam out to 70s rock and watch the chapel show for hours and we've never had issues with weirdness before but i do

understand that college introduces a lot of firsts and i'm not going to lie i'm a little nervous that a few too many oh i haven't a few too many drinks during a welcome weekend could lead to some inappropriateness weirded things weirded things have happened um i don't want to do anything to jeopardize our nearly two decade long friendship so this kind of sounds like you're a little attracted to this guy if you're this worried that something's going to happen or maybe you are you're 18 you're going from your parents house to all of a sudden living with the guy maybe that's what it is i'm going to guess that that's what it is so anyway so my question what tips do you have to stop anyone from stepping over the line with the male slash female roommate also in general

what tips do you have for living with a roommate nia's opinion on this would be epic thanks and fuck you yeah that was nia's great fuck you last week um you know what maybe this wednesday i will do another neolog and i'll read this one but right now i'll just give you my own ignorant um thought on it oh wait wait by the way there's there's a ps to this everybody there's an epilogue just like the streets of san francisco ps might i add that we've both been in various relationships while friends he often asked me for girl advice and i asked him for guy advice he currently has a girlfriend who i really like and i'm friends with but they are breaking up in june when she leaves to study abroad i am currently single oh yeah you guys are gonna bang within fucking eight minutes

within eight minutes of your of your your college career um all right so basically what you want to do you're not asking me should you or should you not move in with this guy you're gonna move in with this guy so um what you're really saying is basically how do i not fuck this guy well i can only do it from the male perspective which is what i would do is every morning before i ever even walked out into the living room was i would rub one out to try to get that fucking you know urge out of me i think what you need to do is sit down and talk with the guy and just say listen we have a great friendship but i don't want to ruin this

i know we're moving in together and everything but um you know obviously we're going to be in close quarters you know sharing a bathroom and blah blah blah blah you you know what you have to do you have to lay down the law if that's what you really want to do but if you actually like this guy like i think you might um if you actually like him like him and think you could actually did i just say that if you like like i mean like like him like him like him you know what i mean do you i mean god you guys this could be the one um if you actually like this dude like that then you should not move in with him

you should be in a separate apartment and uh that way if you start dating him you don't immediately start by living with one another you know that's just too far down the road so what i would do if i was you is i would sit down and talk to okay if you don't like this guy like this and you really want to preserve your friendship i would sit down and have a talk to him a talk with him and just say listen we cannot get drunk and make out and in fucking round second base slide into third we can't we can't do this shit all right okay i'm telling you that right now it's not happening or whatever you gotta say or if you actually really like this guy um you gotta tell him that just say i think ah maybe i like you a

little more than just friends i don't know i don't know if this is just a little phase i have no idea but if that's the case i don't want to move in with you you know does that make sense you know what you're right there's gonna be a neolog this week everybody fuck this i'm too dumb to answer this one this one involves uh feelings that i don't understand all right so basically that's the podcast for this week everybody um once again i want to thank emerson college for giving me uh that award and i want to thank steven right for bringing me up and saying all those nice things that he did and uh lastly but not leastly i'm gonna be uh i'm gonna be at the mirage casino in las vegas this friday and saturday night then i have a week off and then i'm going to do a nice tour

through jersey uh maryland and uh baltimore i'll be at the count basie theater on may 29th with the tean idle sensation fresh off his hit half hour special on comedy central um we're going to be the count basie theater in red bank new jersey on june 30th i will be in baltimore maryland sorry don't have my the name of the theater in front of me on the 31st of june of may also known as june 1st or is there 34 there is 31st may 31st i will be in eastern pennsylvania and then on june 1st i'll be in atlantic city for two shows so if you enter around that area area why don't you come on out you know come out to some shows and uh hopefully i'll make you laugh your a show off there oh hey i gotta thank that crowd that came out to the bottle rock uh bottle rocket uh music festival

i did a show at four in the afternoon while a band was playing right next door and uh i fought through that bass line that was crushing all of my jokes and the level of patience that crowd showed was was phenomenal um all right so here we go that's the podcast for this week don't fuck yourselves don't take any shit from anybody oh too hot to handle too cold to hold they called it those buses at the end control had a throwing party for a bunch of children well all the while the sun was under the building so they packed up the room got a grip came a quick grab the proton packs off the back

so they split run out of our ego the master eagle trying to battle my boys the south eagle the engine troll you know it oh we've got to stand well if it's up to us we've got to take it home gotta got to take it home gotta got to take it home you

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