Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-14-20

Episode Date: May 14, 2020

Bill rambles about America the great, hit producers, and heroes.

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You know, I used to just check in on you to see how your work week was going. Now I'm just checking in on you to help remind you that today is Thursday. If you're confused, did you take out the trash Murray? Alright, it has begun. It has begun. The thing that makes America great. Are you listening people who listen in other countries? Is this way too loud or is it me? I think it's way too loud here. Are you listening other countries? This is what separates my country from your country. Okay, aside from all the great things that all you other countries around the world have stolen from us. Movies, airplanes, automobiles, air conditioning, the wheel.

Okay, we came up with all of that stuff. Alright? And what do you guys do? We get a little fat and you shit all over us. Alright? Well, maybe if we weren't so busy making up all this great transportation, we could walk down some medieval cow paths like all you fucking people. This is what makes this country great. Is, within the country, there are 50 states. Okay? And the 50 states, as much as they're a part of America, they feel that in their own way, they're their own little country. And not only are they their own little country, they're the best little country out of all the other 49 fucking countries in the United States.

We're supposed to be united. We're not united. We're united in the way that we all think that we're the shit. Our state's the best. Your state fucking stinks. And we are united in that. We're not going to let the feds tell us what the fuck to do. Dude, I don't give a fuck what the fucking president is. I don't give a fuck, right? So, it has begun. The government and CDC is still saying that we should not be going out and about. And you know what? Guess who had the balls to step up with no medical background whatsoever? The Supreme Court of Wisconsin. They're not doctors.

They don't work on fucking cures for diseases. Yeah, a bunch of fucking, I'm guessing, old white guys in long black robes. They're the deciders. It's George W. I'm the decider. All right? These are the deciders. They decided that they're just going to open up their fucking state. All right? Like that, you know, we're just going to do it here and you know, if you don't like it, don't fucking come here. Well, there's truckers coming in there bringing you guys your fucking food.

What are you going to do up there in Wisconsin? I live on your cheese. So, they decided that they're just going to open this fucking thing up. All right? So, we're going to see how this goes. It said, after the Wisconsin Supreme Court, holy fuck, not the Wisconsin Supreme Court, struck down the state's stay at home order, which immediately lifted restrictions on businesses and gatherings. Some bars opened their doors and taps Wednesday night as patrons began trickling in. You know what the bottom line is? I'm just fucking breaking balls here. The reality is, is because there's so many people not quarantining, so many people not,

because if everybody did what the fucking CDC said, I mean, I don't have a fucking medical degree here, but I would think this thing would have been over in like six weeks, worst case scenario. All right? It would just have burned itself out, but it's still going, you know, pretty steady. I don't watch the fucking news. So, I think the only way to do it is, I guess you just fucking open it up and people are going to get sick. And hopefully you can fight it off. But, you know, they're making the tough decisions out there in Wisconsin, you know? And if some old people have to die and people with asthma, they have to, that's their fault for being old.

Hey, Bob, maybe if you have asthma, you should stay inside of your house. I don't know what the fuck they're thinking out there. This is fucking wild, but I gotta say this. Good for Wisconsin. Jumping on the bullet. I don't know, man. There's a lot of fat people in Wisconsin, man. And I'm looking at this fucking picture right now that they're using, and there's some husky, husky fucking bees. There's some thickums up there. All right?

We shall see. We shall see. I hope it works. I hope it works. Whatever. What are you going to do? So anyways, they immediately lifted this shit. The ruling applied to Governor Tony Evers' statewide order to lock down Wisconsin amid the public health emergency of the coronavirus, the coronavirus pandemic. So they went around the governor of their state. They just de-balled their own governor. Oh, man. God bless Mrs. Tony Evers this morning.

She's got to sit there as he's sitting in his jam jams with the sad puppy dog look on his face and she has to cheer him up. You know, I'm still going to quarantine. When you say things, I still listen. Evers intended to keep the order. Why do they keep showing this chiropractors baffled 30-second stretch relieves years of back pain? And it's just a chick in the doggy style position with fucking short shorts on. Are you trying to help my back pain or are you trying to give somebody something to jerk off? Maybe if we make their dick hard, we can get them to click on this fucking thing and then they'll figure out how to not have back pain.

Sorry. Getting back to Governor Tony Evers or Evers. The ruling applied to Evers intended to keep the order in place until May 26. Oh, and these fat fucking booze bags could not stay at home for another 12 days. Well, you know, if it's a financial reason, I get it. I get the bars wanting to open up because they have to make their money. Now the people trickling in there who haven't worked in two months to get shitfaced, you know, it's your money. You can do what you want with it. However, localities are still imposing and extending their own stay-at-home orders,

meaning not all businesses in the state may immediately open. Photos showed small gatherings of Wisconsinites out at bars and restaurants shortly after the ruling came down. While some establishments posted on social media, they were staying closed. What bars in Wisconsin were like on Wednesday? It looks like a fucking Wednesday. You got some barb there. I'll tell you what you got is you got some happy goddamn people in there. More than a dozen people had flocked to the stand.

Now, wait a minute. You can't have only a dozen people and say they flocked. More than a dozen people trickled in to State Street Pub in Green Bay. There you go. By 7 p.m. It's too cold for Corona up there, right? Owner Tara Hansen chose to open as soon as she could and people started dropping in without any kind of announcement on social media. At Lenny's.

Say fucking Lenny. Lenny's tap about a mile and a half away. Four employees wearing masks served about 20 patrons who stopped by for a drink. Owner, am I nuts? This is making me feel. This is a feel-good story. Owner Marty Leonhard said the bar's beer distributor had already delivered two shipments by 8 p.m. It takes a bar in Plateville posted a photo and video on Twitter of two dozen or so patrons at the bar.

All right, so here's the deal. So most people are cowards. It takes very few heroes that are going to saddle up to the bar the first night. So what everybody else is going to do is they're going to wait and they're going to wait to see if these people get sick. And by wait, I mean they're going to wait about five days. All right, because their their desire to get out of the fucking house and go booze is going to overtake whatever time you're supposed to wait, which I would imagine would be at least, you know, 14 days. And we're going to see what happens. Fucking Wisconsin, everybody.

Yeah, you think you're going to keep those big fucking pasty offensive linemen at home and ain't happening. Good for them. All right, who else has the balls to open up? I want to know, do you have the balls? Well, I mean, what else the fuck are you going to do? I know I was making fun of Wisconsin, but at the end of the fucking day, I mean, less than 1% of people have this fucking thing and you can't have all these other people going homeless. They need to make some goddamn money. And what about the alcoholics?

Who are social alcoholics? The best kind of alcoholic there is. Although it is it is fun to sit at home. You know what I mean? Just fucking boozing. I saw a great bar the other day. I went on a fucking drive, you know, with my family baggy. I went for a fucking drive and, you know, I saw this fucking.

It just looked like a goddamn one of those back East Chinese restaurants slash killer fucking day drunk fucking bar. It was the golden something or other second I see gold or golden in it. And I'm like, oh my God, they got a fucking poo poo platter in there. I've said this before and I don't understand why why Massachusetts has the best fucking Chinese, the best bastardized version of Chinese food. In the country. The best. We're trying to fucking kill you Chinese food that you'll ever fucking have. You know, there's hints of it out here, which I don't understand because I would think that most Chinese people initially emigrated to the West Coast.

You know, rather than taking the fucking long way around, right? So the best shit would be out here. Probably I would say the probably the most authentic shit I would think would be out here. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. And all I know is Wisconsin is open. So guess what? You know what I should do? I should book myself and one of those bars.

I need to get back to work too. I'll go out there and tell some jokes to the fatties. You know, it's funny about Wisconsin, all those fatties out there. They probably look like, you know, all the, you know, when some of the fat gets on survivor. And then they start losing all that fucking weight, but they're not really lifting weights. So they're just, they're like skinny and fat. That's why I picture a lot of Wisconsin people looking like, although I know that's not true, because they probably went down to fucking one of their super stores, right?

And got a whole fucking whiskey barrel full of cheese curds. I'm sorry. Why do I keep acting like everybody in Wisconsin? You know what I mean? Each cheese, they don't. I mean, Boston's called Beantown. Over in my fucking 27 years of living in Boston ever went into a place and they were serving Boston baked beans. I never saw a was it called a hearth or a hearth that fire and they were just cooking beans over it.

Nobody I knew liked beans. Nobody was into beans. That's one of those weird touristy things that I think we were known for it. Back when you could build a state economy on fucking baking beans. I don't know. I never saw any beans. Never saw any beans. I didn't know anybody who lived in a lighthouse.

I didn't know any lobster fishermen. I didn't know anybody who got into a perfect storm. I knew a lot of people wearing Levi Kodoroys. Everybody was into sports. That was about it. That was about it. The fucking shit. Paul Revere, the fucking freedom trail.

That was all just shit for the goddamn tourists. The USS Constitution. Do you know how many times I drove by Bunker Hill? I never went to that fucking thing. We have our own Washington, but I went to fucking DC. I went to the Washington Monument, which is the exact same fucking thing except it's a little bit bigger and named after a more famous president. Everybody always forgets president Bunker Hill. Is there somebody named Bunker Hill?

Hang on a second. I gotta look this fucking shit up. Bunker Hill history. Oh, they have one in fucking Los Angeles too. It's a chain. It's a chain fucking tourist attraction. The battle of Bunker Hill was fought on June 17, 1775 during the siege of Boston in the earlier stages of the American Revolution. The battle is named after Bunker Hill in Charlestown, Massachusetts, which was peripherally involved in the battle.

I had no idea Bunker Hill was in Charlestown. I had no fucking clue. I gotta tell you this though. If I keep watching that though, flipping Boston, I'm gonna sell my house out here and I'm just gonna fucking move back. And I'm just gonna fucking do my shows. The way to do it is the way Bob Costas did it. Bob Costas lived in the middle of the country in St. Louis, Missouri. I don't know if he still lives there.

And then that way he was never more than a two and a half hour flight from any game he had to cover, which is fucking brilliant. You know what I mean? But the bad thing then is then you have to live in Missouri. You know, that's a tough one. Missouri is a tough one. It's just, you know, there's so many fucking bars. Everybody smokes there. I mean, Missouri is a shit show.

Those people could give a fuck about the Surgeon General. And God bless them too. I bet Corona fucking either ran wild in that state or barely had an effect. Why do you bet that bill? I don't know, because I have to fill up another 30 fucking minutes of a fucking podcast and there's nothing going on. There's no sports. There's nothing. Look at this.

Look at Google News. What the fuck do I got in Google News? Some fucking fatties are going to a bar in Wisconsin. HHS whistleblower Rick Bright is a disgruntled employee, Trump says, ahead of the house coronavirus hearing. Fucking guy. Anybody does anything? Wow. He sees a fucking lunatic.

He's a fucking jerk off. Why Trump is taking his Fosse complaints public? He doesn't like the musical. FBI serves warrant on Senator in an investigation of stock sales linked to coronavirus. Oh boy. Oh boy. You knew that was common. I don't understand why I just don't get that shit, that insider trading thing.

I don't understand that. Your buddy gives you the heads up. We all do that in all forms of whatever business you're in. If you're in the business, you get the fucking heads up, right? All right. The song that kept David Lee Roth in Van Halen. Let's do some light news here. How about some light news?

The song that kept David Lee Roth in Van Halen. Fans are aware that producer Ted Templeman wasn't sold on David Lee Roth's role in Van Halen when he helped sign the ban in 1977. The fuck out of here. I didn't know that. That's unbelievable. He's one of the great front men of all time. In fact, after the second show he attended, he started thinking about finding another

singer and considering calling his friend Sammy Hagar in. Get the fuck out of here. This story. But in his recent memoir, Ted Templeman, a platinum producer's life in music. Well, Jesus Christ, that's all you need to know right there with the fucking... There's a fucking guy proud of his achievements. What the fuck? A platinum producer's life in music.

Well, do I even need to read the book at this point? He recalled how he began to warm to Roth's talents, especially as Van Halen worked on the song Ain't Talking About Love. As a performer and vocalist, he underwhelmed me. As a performer? Jesus. All right. He said about watching Roth the night he secured their record deal with Warner Brothers.

Uh, boss, Mo Austin. His stage presence was awkward and his singing wasn't great. I was actually a bit nervous that Mo was going to be turned off by the singer's antics and perhaps might pass on Van Halen. Truthfully, Roth made me nervous too. I thought, what am I going to do with this group if we sign them and the singer can't hold up his end of the bargain? I could make the guitar player a solo artist if the worst came to pass.

I found myself mulling over dumping the singer for a strong vocalist like Montrose's lead singer, Sammy Hagar. I thought, hell, he might be the perfect singer for Van Halen. Doesn't that all just seem like a huge coincidence? Out of all the fucking people he could have picked. When studio work started, Templeman said he feared Roth was the band's biggest issue to fix. He couldn't fix it.

To be sure he was distinctive as a singer. His train whistle screams were identifiable in a good way, he explained. But every time I heard him get pitchy or completely miss a note, I worried that the public was going to be turned off by his band because of his limitations. Despite being tempted to pick up the phone on a number of occasions, Templeman never quite got there and then Ain't Talking About Love came up. When he took breaks, I talked at length with him, said the producer. That's when I came to appreciate his astounding intellect.

He quote a line from Tom Sawyer and then a comic book. I still don't know anybody who can keep that kind of stream of consciousness wraps going like he can. The more I read his lyrics, especially Ain't Talking About Love, the more impressed I became. His line in that song about bleeding for something, you really desire just stuck with me. He was extremely well read and smart and that showed up in his whole approach to fronting Van Halen. But Jesus, it took him a while to get there. Eventually the producer concluded that Roth wasn't a conventional singer but his rare

gifts outweighed his flaws. I hung in there with Dave thinking I'd find a way in the studio to accentuate his strength and minimize his weaknesses. Well, he is Ted Templeman, a platinum producer. Bill Burr, my life is a headliner in chuckle huts. A chuckle hut closer. The more I read his lyrics. That's why I decided against calling Sammy.

If I tried to put him in Van Halen in 1977, I'd have made the biggest mistake in rock's history because Van Halen never would have made it without Dave fronting the band. All right, you know what that is right there, people? That's just great writing. The whole thing. Because he took me so far to the fucking left that I'm like, what the fuck? And then I read the whole goddamn thing and then he landed me on a nice little throw pillow. And now I'm sitting here happy that I read that.

And goddammit, guess what book I'm going to buy, everybody? Guess what book I can't recommend more during this fucking pandemic? I suggest that you go out and buy Ted Templeman, a platinum producer's life in music. Oh, I got to read that. Man, that's going to be fun. Who else did he fucking produce? As far as I know, that's all Ted Templeman. All right, Ted Templeman, 77 fucking years old.

Jesus Christ. So that means he was 35 when he was working with Dave. They were like 24. Huh. All right. Who is this guy produced? The Dubey Brothers. Van Morrison.

Beefheart. Little feet. Montrose. There's a connection. Dubey. All the Dubey Brothers shit. All the Montrose shit. Carly Simon.

More little feet. Van Halen. That might be my favorite Van Halen album other than the first one. 1984 is great too. I really wish Dave would have stuck around for the new direction that they were going in. Because you know what was great about Eddie getting on the keyboards was it brought Alex's drumming more to the front, I thought, because I never thought that that guy got the credit

he deserved. If you listen to that song, jump, everybody. And you listen to that part, we go, can't you see me standing there? I got my back against the record machine. That drum part that he comes up with. The fills that he does, total fucking original. He had his own sign, his own sound. Sorry.

He worked with Phil Collins here. Aerosmith. Bullet Boys. Steve Stevens. Underrated fucking guitar player. Steve Stevens. Atomic Playboys. 1989.

Man, he worked with Van Halen right through 1991. Cheap Trick. Bette Midler. There you go. There's a nice fucking left turn for you. Joan Jett in the black hearts. You know what? I'm going to read this fucking book.

Ted Templeman. A Platinum Producers. Fucking a day in a life of a Platinum producer. All right. Let's continue on. I've been cleaning up my garage slash my office. And I realized something about myself that when I first started my stand-up career, I saved a lot of shit.

And then I didn't fucking take one picture. Maybe I did take a lot of pictures, but they're all on fucking laptops that I don't even know where the fuck they are anymore. I save all the laptops. I don't throw them out. I still have them. It's funny. The first one's as thick as a phone book, right?

And then the next one's like half a phone book or whatever. It's almost like if there was a plague that was killing everybody, what the phone book would look like each year as the plague was burning through. All these businesses and all these people were dying and all that shit. All right. I got the reads here. They were drinking in a bar in Wisconsin. They finally showed up.

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And I just want to congratulate Judd Apatow and Pete Davidson for doing such a great job in the movie. And thank you so much for putting me in it. Once again, it comes out on June 12th. All right? It's going to be streaming. I'll have all of that information coming up, but check it out. It's a funny movie.

It's got a lot of heart. And I hope you guys enjoy it. And other than that, this is usually the part where I would do a fucking read, but I don't think I have any fucking advertising. You know, when nothing's open. I mean, who the fuck's going to advertise? Maybe I could do an advertisement for one of those fucking bars up there in Wisconsin. You know what?

I'll do this. I never do this. This is a shout-out. Somebody, hey, not sure if you actually will see this, but I was wondering if you do video shout-outs. It is my husband, Chris's birthday next week, and he's one of your biggest fans. But for real, he is.

Your comedy has gotten him through a lot, not to throw out the military card, but he's in the army. Oh, he's one of the heroes. Right up there with the nurses changing bedpans and ventilators. So listening to you and watching your specials on deployment really helped. You are hilarious. And even if you can't help me, we are still big fans of you.

Thanks. All right. Well, happy birthday, Chris. All right. Get home soon. But maybe it's good that you're out there. You know? I bet they don't have a fucking COVID problem in the military

because somebody with more stripes said, you know, fucking get in there and stay in there. And then they just go, oh, okay. I mean, normally I would say no. If you just had a regular shirt and I had a regular shirt, I'd open my bar, but you have a shirt that has more lines on it, more stripes on it than mine does. So I will listen to you.

All right. Happy birthday, Chris. And then here's a question. I used to read these all the time about people starting stand-up. What's up, Bill? Big fan of yours. Thank you. I recently got out of the Navy in the Navy.

As you can stay on the fucking boat in the Navy. Nobody's going to slit your throat because you're in the Navy. The people we're fighting don't have fucking boats. And I'm trying to figure out my next move. I'm an aspiring stand-up comedian from, I'm not going to say where, and while looking at your resume, I saw you went to Berkeley. Did you look up Raymond Burr or Bill Burr? I did not go to Berkeley.

Do you think that was an important piece to your success? Or could you have skipped that? Well, I did skip it because I never went to it. Hope this message finds you. Hope this message finds you. This is what you, if you want to be a stand-up comic, this is what you do. You fucking write down five minutes of shit that you think's funny. You sign up for an open mic.

You go to the open mic. When they call your name, you go up there. You hang on for dear life. You say as much as you can remember, and then you just fucking wave goodbye. Thank you very much. And you get off the fucking stage and then just keep doing that and you will figure it out. It's the weirdest job in the world where the only way to learn how to do it is you have to go, you have to go and do it by yourself in front of customers from the very moment you start.

You know, there's no like apprenticeship or I guess you could take a comedy class. Fuck that, man. I mean, I took a stand-up comedy class. I did when I was younger, 36. No. Yeah, just get up there and fucking do it. And do it sooner rather than later. Obviously, you can't do it now.

You've got plenty of time to fucking write some jokes. I can't tell you that, but where the fuck did it say I went to Berkeley? You mean Emerson? I went to Emerson College. Maybe you got confused with that. I don't fucking know. Oh, wait a minute. Was I supposed to do something for Emerson?

I can't fucking remember. No, I did it. I did do it. Jesus Christ. Fucking losing my shit here, man. I don't even know what fucking day of the week it is here. You know what? God bless Wisconsin.

I hope they fucking open that thing up, okay? Everybody coughs all over everybody and they build up fucking antibodies. You know, it'd be amazing if everybody else, all the other states just fucking pussied out and didn't do anything in Wisconsin. Then just became like this super state. You know? And then you know that they wouldn't be able to handle that. The ego, the temptation, the temptation to just fucking, where do you go? Where's your next move?

I want to say that going into Minnesota is what you do next. That's what I would do. I know that Chicago is tempting just south in Illinois, but you can't do that. That's the Hitler move, all right? Hitler could have driven the Allied forces right into the fucking ocean, the English Channel or whatever, and he couldn't resist fucking Paris. And he made a fucking left turn and he let us off the fucking hook. And we regrouped and we came back and we beat his ass. That's what the fuck happened, all right?

And by we, I mean America, okay? England, they grabbed onto our coattails, held on for dear life. I'm fucking kidding. Yeah, the move is you go into Minnesota. You take them out real quick, right? Like France, right over their fucking marginal line, you just take them out real fucking quick, all right? Bang, bang, boom, okay? And then you reeducate those people.

And then all you pasty, thick-thied fucking linemen descend down and you take Chicago. And when Chicago falls, all right? I mean, St. Louis is a fucking layup. You're still going to be fighting a war on two fucking fronts, all right? But what do you got? What do you got fucking west of Minnesota? You got the Dakotas. I mean, there's like 40 people in both of those states, so you're fine.

I mean, the big thing to do in the Dakotas is to drive to Minnesota to go to the Mall of America and ride the roller coaster, okay? That's a weekend. So you don't even have to go to those people. You just wait for them to come to you, all right? You go further west, you're just in a den of meth and fetamines, okay? So those people are killing themselves, okay? Not to say that there's not some great wide-open spaces to ride a motorcycle or maybe find a rusted-out cab over engine truck that you could redo, okay? But that's the spoils of victory.

Right now, what you need to do is you need to move east after Chicago. St. Louis is quaking in their boots, but what do you do? You go to Indiana. Indiana, they're super white. They're into the Klan, you know? Bunch of fucking pasty white people coming down trying to take over the country. They're going to fall in line, all right? Michigan's a bit of a wild card.

You go into Detroit, you're going to lose some people, okay? No one's ever gone into Detroit and come back out with their full crew. That's just, you know, you're going to take some fucking losses there, all right? But if you can survive that, all right? You know, you drop some pamphlets in Kentucky as long as they're red and they say, you know, fucking make America great, they're going to jump on board. And by the time you get to fucking Pittsburgh and you've burned your way through fucking Ohio, Ohio's going to be a fight, though.

There's a lot of tough people in fucking Ohio, all right? You get to Pittsburgh, they're a little softer, okay? The steel fucking factories left a long time ago. It's more like building apps and shit like that. And they all said they've won way too many championships to really have a nice fucking, you know, they can't make it past the fourth round at this point, you know? You burn through them and then you take New York City, then that's it. We'll see, that's what I'm predicting.

I'm predicting that Wisconsin is going to start the second Civil War, but this time they're going to be successful. That's the first half of this Ken Burns documentary from platinum recording comedian Bill Burr. All right, that's the podcast everybody. Thank God Wisconsin's open enough. I don't even give a shit at this point. I've given up on people quarantining and letting this fucking thing burn out. It's just like people are going to do what they're going to do.

They got to go out fucking sunbathing and all of that fucking shit. And, you know, what the fuck are you going to do? What are you going to do? Young people are going to do what young people do. When I was young, I would be doing what they're doing too. I don't give a fuck. I haven't even started to make my dream come true. What do I give a shit if other people's dreams don't come true?

I don't give a fuck. I'm about myself. Old people are all about themselves, right? They don't want to lose their dream. They don't give a fuck about me and my college debt. So fuck you. I'm going to go out and go drink. I'm going to go drink and go down on some fucking COVID poontang.

Right? That's what the fuck. That's what the fuck young people are doing. Um, that's it. Okay, people, I talked for a half an hour. I don't know what I said. I don't know what it's about. Um, but you know, I think that with all of these people being called heroes,

I want to say, what about the podcaster? What about the person that continues to podcast without a guest and no advertising? You know, I didn't have to do this. Okay. I didn't have to put myself in harm's way, but I did. Um, all right, that is it. I will be doing some, I'm going to become press boy here in the next couple of weeks, I'm promoting the next season of F's for family and the Judd Apatow Pete Davidson movie,

the King of Staten Island. Um, and then after that, I'm going to go underground, but I will be keeping my eye on Wisconsin. All right, I'm pulling for you fucking fatties up there. All right. And I've also been reading up on the Green Bay Packers. All right, Bob Jeter and Herb Adderley and all of those fucking guys. Very interesting. Um, and that's it.

Uh-oh. Kids up. All right. I got to go. All right. God bless all of us. Stay safe during these uncertain times. Um, you know, somebody sent me a tweet said, Bill, I love the fact that you don't know what adulting is.

Um, I don't know what adulting is, but, um, I think I can guess what adulting is. I think that's what an adult says something. And then somebody young goes, Oh God. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend. You can say Wisconsin. Have a couple of drinks for me.

Get out there and fucking breathe all over each other. Get shit face. Go out. You know, you fucking fatties, man. You want to go out and go tip a cow? Of course you do. You're not afraid of that thing. You're just as fucking big as it is.

You got to get low. That's why so many fucking offensive linemen come from Wisconsin because they understand leverage because they've been trying to tip over fucking goddamn livestock since they've been eight years old. You know, and if you get fucking trampled by a goddamn, uh, adolescent cow, do you think your dad gives a shit? He's up there. I don't give a, you know, well, Bob, get yourself out of the mud and dust yourself off. You think this is a bad day? My aunt got made into a fucking lamp by Ed Gein. You don't know what tough is.

I can't do a Wisconsin accent. Oh, cursing in front of the kid. Ed Gein, the serial killers, serial killer. All right. If you think Ted Templeman's a platinum recording fucking, uh, a producer, Ed Gein is the fucking Ted Templeman of serial killers. They made like five different Hollywood movies. They, they, they made five separate serial killers out of all the shit that he was doing. Is it because Hollywood's greedy or because no one would believe that one guy would do all of that shit?

Um, all right. That's it. All I can say is if you want to go to Wisconsin and if you're fucking going to go into one of those bars, if you're from Minnesota, I would just say be very careful around gaunt Wisconsin people that have those fucking hats with the, with the furry ear flap going down. All right. I think that's what Ed Gein used to wear. So it might be Ed Gein, Jr. I wouldn't insinuate that that guy could actually perform normally in some sort of sexual way and would have had descendants.

Does he have descendants? Do I need to look that up? Oh, gives a shit, Bill. Who cares how fucking long this podcast is? People got all fucking day. Ed Gein. Relatives. Okay.

Here we go. Edward Theodore Gein. Ed Gein. He's buried next to his family in the Plainfield Cemetery in a now unmarked grave. Jesus Christ. You know what's funny about him? He looks like a fucking character actor on the honeymooners. Um, let's see.

Early life childhood. All right. He was buried next to him on the farm. Was he in a slaughterhouse? Ed Gein was born in La Crosse County, Wisconsin on August 27th, 1906. The second of two boys of George and Augusta Gein. Gein had an elder brother, Harry. Augusta hated her husband, an alcoholic who was unable to keep a job.

He had worked at various times as a carpenter, a tanner. Oh boy. Working with dead animals right there and an insurance salesman. George owned a local grocery shop for a few years, but sold the business and the family left the city to live in isolation on a 155 acre farm in the town of Plainville. In Washashara County, uh, Washashara County, Wisconsin and became the Gein family's permanent residents. Augusta took advantage of the family's isolation by turning away outsiders who could have influenced her sons. Edward left the farm only to attend school outside of school. He spent most of his time doing chores in the farm.

Augusta was fervently religious and nominally Lutheran. So now they're all going to get fucking thrown under the bus. Um, all right. She preached to her boys about the innate and more immortality of the world, the evil of drinking and her belief that all women except herself were naturally promiscuous and instruments of the devil. She received time every, she reserved time every afternoon to read to them from the Bible, usually selecting verses from the Old Testament concerning death, murder and divine retribution. Edward was shy and classmates and teachers remembered him having strange mannerisms such as random laughter as if you were laughing at his own personal jokes. Oh Jesus, I know what that's like. Fuck to make matters worse.

This is why I don't read about serial killers right there. You know, this guy's out of his fucking mind. This guy's fucking whacked and there's always that one detail like, oh shit, I do that. All right, that's it everybody. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, your cunts. Drink up with cunts tonight. I'll see you on Monday.

I've been thinking about my time. Priorities don't lose the mind. Happiness won't stay behind. This inner peace I've yet to find. Never slow into the sea. And even the sea's not so full of me. If I'm not that right, can't I see? A circle can't fit in where a square should be.

There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you. And this hole in my heart can't be filled with the things I do. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, May 14th, 2012. I'm Rony. I am so Rony. I got the house all by myself.

Nia's out of town. Comes back tomorrow and my dog's out getting a tune-up. So I'm sitting in my house all by myself, all by my lonesome. I'd like to sit here and tell you that the reason why I'm sitting here by myself is because I told the bitches in my life to get the fuck out, right? Like some pimp shit. And now I'm just sitting here in some giant leather chair, the head of an animal above me in my study with a bunch of books surrounding me

that I never read. Some creepy toy for my childhood. No, I don't know what the fuck's going on. There's nobody here and I'm slowly losing my mind. I'm eating like shit. I had waffles like three days in a row. You know, because I don't know how to make them just for one. I don't have the recipe.

I usually make them for two people and then there's a couple extra. So, you know, I just made the fucking batch because the recipe I have says one egg. So, you know, if I cut it in half, why don't I put half a fucking egg in there? Okay, I don't know how to do that. So I'm making all the waffles. And I'm using all the syrup. And I'm fucking, I'm out of whack. I'm full of sugar and dough.

I went to the grocery store. I'm like a single man. I went to the grocery store and they, you know, rather than buy something to cook, I go and I buy like, you know, parts of a chicken that were already cooked. God knows when, you know, somebody hit it with a truck and then they threw it on a fucking grill. So for the first time in my life, second time, actually, I actually had for lunch, I had chicken and waffles, a staple in the African American community. And I have never understood that dish.

I love waffles. I love chicken, but not together. To me, that was toothpaste and orange juice. Both great ideas, just not together. Right? And I had it and I got to tell you, I still don't get it. I don't get it. It's, it's like, uh, it's like the sun and the moon at the same time.

It just, it just freaks me out. You know, is it breakfast or have we gotten on with that day? Should I be in my fucking pajamas or should I be telling you about my dad? Just, you know, I don't know. I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm losing my mind. And then tomorrow I leave. I leave to go do, um, doing an episode of, um, or what the fuck is this show called?

That's embarrassing. I don't even know what the show's called. What's that one with that? Did the check from a party of five is on and she gives the hand jobs, but she's, she's a good person. What's it called? Uh, the fucking, uh, the hand job whisperer. What the fuck's the name?

I'm doing that show doing that show this week. I'm on the hand job whisperer and I play one of the clients and, uh, she's going to rub one out. You know, it was a long talk I had to have with Nia in order to be due to, to do this episode, but she understands that it's just art. Jennifer Love Hewitt's, she plays the, uh, the hand, hand jobbist with the heart of gold. You know, it's a wonderful show. She gives people hand jobs at the end of, of masseusing them and then gives advice to their upset.

Um, what would you call it? Our dating wives and girlfriends come in like, how could you jerk off my husband? And then she goes like, she doesn't love you. He doesn't love you anymore. That's why he's coming to me. And then somehow they pour their heart out to her cause she's such a good, she's such a good fucking person that she can jerk off their boyfriends and husbands and these people on the show don't have a problem with it.

And from the second I saw that show, it was just like, you know what? I have to be a part of it. And, um, so this week, uh, yeah, I'm going to be, uh, taping an episode of, uh, the hand job whisperer. I think Jennifer Love Hewitt said that I might have the wrong fucking show. You know what's funny on my cable box, not the cable box, whatever the fuck you call it, the screen, when you go through the guide, um, right above the versus network, you know, scrolling up, trying to find a game and you go three channels up and then it goes to the porno channel. And, uh, you know, it's the weirdest thing ever.

You just see a soccer game, a baseball game, a basketball game, and then it'll be like fistfuck part five. You know, and I don't think that was by accident because if you watch enough sports, they got basically for guys, they got two things. They don't want to go bald and they want to fuck something. And, uh, I don't know. I guess it's true on both those, both counts. Wouldn't you say there, huh? Speaking of lonely, I was just watching television by myself speaking to it as if it was another live human being.

And I saw this commercial for this, this, this new website called farmers only.com. This is not a commercial people. This is actually an observation. Um, it was basically showing, uh, you know, some couple of ranchers, a couple of farm girls, and they just walk in the fields by themselves. You know, playing with their face finger, playing with each other. You know, you do that when you were a little kid, you do that little thing where you put your thumb and index finger together on both hands. And you kind of do the little, almost like there's an invisible tiny screw, you know, there's some poor woman walking through like these, uh, a bunch of corn. You know, and the cows are all concerned to the point they're actually speaking English to one, one another.

You know, about each of them going, how the hell are they going to meet each other? And then all of a sudden this whale and whore comes over the top and just starts singing, you'll never be lonely at farmers only.com. So it's basically their Facebook. And you should go and look at it on YouTube. That's what you should do. You shouldn't work. You know, where do you work? What are you doing?

Is it your dream or somebody else's? You're just a cog in the wheel. You know, are they really going to notice if you stop working? Everybody else is working. Why don't you just fucking, you know, tour to France, just sort of draft behind a couple of people's today, you know, take a fucking Monday off. So anyways, check out this video. And you know what's the funniest thing about it is the comments underneath it is the amount of people who shit on, you know, just immediately thinking how dumb people are. It's like these people grow our fucking food.

Do you understand that? I'm sure they don't know where the rave is, you know, for who the most popular bands are or how to get from fucking Brooklyn over to Staten Island. Oh, right. They don't know how to do that shit. They don't know how to put on a fucking shiny shirt, right, and go jump on the subway and go down to Wall Street and make sure old people eat dog food for the rest of their fucking lives. Yeah, they don't know how to do that. You know what they know how to do? They ought to make corn, right?

Or plant it so it grows. They don't make it. God makes it. And he makes that fertile fucking country. You know, it's got to be really hard to catch herpes out there. You know what I mean? I mean, it must spread really fucking slowly. Jesus Christ.

I mean, you must fucking rub them at least two loads out by the time you get to our house just sitting there driving and driving. Fucking tornado, man. You pull over, rub another one out, and by then you'll, I don't know what the fuck I'm going over there for anyways. Shit, I got more teeth than her. That's a deal breaker. Look, now I'm making fun of them. I like how that they're called the flyover states. Yeah, no reason to go there.

Yeah, no reason to check in on the food supply. Uh, like you're gonna, that'd be a good thing to fucking freak them out with. Just show up with like a clipboard. What the fuck are you doing, silly boy? Well, they actually, you know, something they make themselves kind of separatist because at the end of it, is that even a word? Um, they actually say this. Silly folks, don't understand. What don't we understand?

Loneliness? Is that what it is? Come to New York and be alone with everybody? You never heard that? You fucking, you know what? Fuck them. God damn farmers. Jesus Christ.

What, you don't have your cousin's phone number? Is that why you're sick of fucking your sister? So now you gotta get your own Facebook and see the jokes are just too easy here, people? You know? Sick of fucking a pig. Um, I want some farm animals. That'd be great if I just had space. How many goats would you need to fucking drink enough, you know, make your own milk?

A couple of chickens, you got your own eggs. Right? So you got that bullshit, but then you got a milk, which I know I'm not going to do. I couldn't do it without laughing and then I'd fucking creep out the goat. Oh, Jesus. I need some people in my life. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. You know, last week I made an ass up myself as always, as always, and I was talking about

the, uh, the sewage in the drain. And, um, oh, by the way, you know something? I'm sitting here watching the fucking LA Kings and the Phoenix Coyotes playing each other. All right? It's in Phoenix and they're having a whiteout. Everybody's wearing the same t-shirt. Don't you just realize that the second you do that, you're just showing the fact that you have a shitty fucking franchise?

Oh, my account this week. Um, I hate that. That's all cool. We're the same shirt. It'll be a whiteout. That'll intimidate them. They're going to be afraid of the crowd. I will tell you this, what was amazing is I'm watching this fucking game and the crowd

in Phoenix is chanting beat LA, beat LA, beat LA, the iconic cheer from the Boston garden. It's actually spread all the way west and jumped sports, you know? So I had to immediately text Paul Versey and let him know that because, you know, he's so fucking enamored with the food court known as Madison Square Garden. Talk, I was talking to somebody the other day. We were trying to think of like when we think of Madison Square Garden, what do we think of? You know?

Boxing. Lanard, Skeiner, you just think of rock shows. Nobody thinks about the Knicks or the fucking Rangers other than Knicks and Rangers fans. I just, it's just another fucking, that's another one to add to that list of overrated nicknames. The world's most famous arena. You can throw that right in with Lynn Sanity. Sanchez, we got it, Bill.

You hate New York. All right, I've made my fucking point. Anyways, sewage. Last week, this guy tried to tell me that I should just piss in the shower because, hey, it all goes down the same fucking drain anyway. What the fuck do you care? What do I care? I don't want urine in my toes.

I also fucking am concerned with the fact that someone else has to use the shower. How about that? You know? So, um, but I was also thinking that they went down two different drains. I would think that they would try and keep that separately, separate. And everybody was like, everybody writes me, you know, whenever I say something wrong, everybody, you know, it's always like, hey shit, right? So everybody told me that it actually goes down the same drain and that the reason why

you can't smell the shit is because they have vents, you know, which I still don't fucking understand, you know? Then why don't I smell shit outside my house? Where is the, where is the, the air that was surrounding the shit? Where does that go? You know? And please, by all means, talk to me like I'm the biggest fucking moron ever because I got to tell you, I only got like 20 emails about it and I know how many listeners I have.

So there's a lot of people right now going, really? I didn't realize that. Um, but still, let me read this bill. It says, Bill, about your questioning on sewage handling from your May 7th podcast on whether toilet water is handled in the same system as your shower water. The answer is it depends. Oh, wait a minute. I think this guy knows what he's talking about because he didn't start it off with, hey shit fuck.

Um, he says sewage water that has no human waste in it. Uh, this would be considered shower water, water for me, dish water and sinks, et cetera. Thank you for explaining where I don't shit and piss. Um, is called gray water. What, uh, what that can, does contain human waste is called black water. All right. Uh, in most modern urban sewage system, gray water and black water are treated and moved within the same system. Gross.

See, yet another reason to live on a farm at farmer's only.com. That's going to be embarrassing. You and your fucking neighbor are going to join. You'll be the only ones on the site. Hey, I thought you wanted to fuck me. I just was too long a walk. You know what I'm saying? Plus it's tornado season.

You never know what's going to happen. Um, in sewage system, anyways, uh, in sewage systems that aren't as complex or are more remote, gray water is treated in one system. Black water is put into another and usually come composite it. Oh, wait a minute. I mean, okay, so it's not as complex, meaning what you can't move those all down the same pipe and somehow separate them again. You know, sometimes you should stick with simplicity. I think on this one, I don't think that mother stuff that goes into my hair and on my body should ever have touched somebody else's shit personally.

I don't care how much you treat it. It's fucking gross. I got to run for office. And if elected, I would keep the gray water away from the black water. Bring it back to the old system where you're sitting in an outhouse and you never wash your hair with shit. Ask not why there's piss in my hair, but why there's shit in the drain. The reason why you do not get sewer smells in your house is through the use of an S curve in the toilet. Sink and shower drain pipe.

If you take the letter S and turn it on its side, that's what shape the drain pipe makes. You know, I deserve, I deserve to be talked to like a child. Is that what an S looks like on its side? All right. Take the letter O and turn it on its side. You're still with me. When you drain water through this shape, some water is always left behind inside the S. Wonderful.

This forms a seal or block through which sewage gases can't get through. Oh, that's brilliant. They should have those on like subways. You know what I mean? Just have it just have it missing in between people. Early sewage systems didn't employ this shape and it was indeed the case that sewer gases could enter the home. As far as recycling, isn't that amazing how simple that was to fix so? As far as recycled water, sewage that is taken from your home and sent to treatment plant is usually released back into nature after it is cleaned.

Mother nature does the last of the cleaning process with microbes, etc. You know what? That's one of those things. That's like a hot dog. You know what I mean? You just don't know. You don't want to know what's in it. That's fucking gross.

Yet brilliant. I'm finding all of this shit. Why don't I just say that three times? I'm finding all of this shit. You guys think I'm a fucking moron. You know what it is? I have the balls to bring up the shit that I don't understand. Yeah, Bill.

Every week and it spans the entire spectrum of humanity. Go fuck yourselves. I actually began disassembling that carburetor. I took apart the primary fuel bowl. Took out the floater and all that. It isn't that fucking hard. I knew it wasn't. I knew it wasn't.

Inventing. Inventing the carburetor. That is the genius. Okay? Taking one apart. I mean, that's no big fucking deal. And I imagine once you take it apart, you can put it back together again.

Right? And after a while, I imagine you can figure out how it fucking works. It doesn't seem that complex to me. I'm a fucking idiot. No, I'm doing the whole thing. I got the whole chemical. I bought myself a little... No, I didn't.

I'm lying. I'm gonna buy this turkey thing to put it in. A little roast of turkey. And you put that on the side with the solution to clean off all the parts. And I'm gonna build that motherfucker. I should take a before and after picture with a look. And then I'll give you guys a nice go fuck yourself underneath it.

For all you people who trash me, because I didn't realize that, you know, it's the same pipe that the shit and piss goes down. Why would I know that? I'm not a plumber. You know? Why can't you guys show the kind of empathy for others that I do on this podcast every week?

Um, yeah, I know. Would you guys like to learn about an element? That's my nighttime reading. I'm really freaking Nia out. She can't tell if I'm going crazy or if I'm starting... I'm trying to build a bomb. Hold on one sec.

All right. We here at the Bill Burr podcast, the Monday morning podcast, I'm gonna try to make you guys either smarter or bring it down to my level of stupidity. So, considering I can like, I know like everybody's name and number

from every football team in the 70s, for the most part, Wilbert Montgomery, 31. Fred Bolitnikov. What the fuck number was he? That was before my time. Doug Flutie was 22. Roger Starbeck was 12.

Frank Tarkington was 10. Craig Morton was 7. Dan Pastorini was 7. Bert Jones was 7. I'll do all the quarterbacks. Terry Bradshaw was 12. Brian Sype. What the fuck was he?

Was he 17? All right, all I'm saying is if I can fucking memorize that shit, I can't memorize the periodic chart. This is yet another thing, that pseudo-intelligent thing. You know? If you can just memorize this shit

and then you go to a cocktail party like we all do, right? Doesn't everybody own one of those Roger Moore tuxedos like me? And every once in a while, you just go out to a cocktail party with other socialites? You know, this is a good thing to know.

If you memorize the periodic chart, just out of nowhere, anytime you say something dumb, you can just go, hydrogen is the first element number one on the periodic chart. I'm going to memorize this shit. And I'm going to fucking try and understand it.

And then, I can't even say what I'm going to do with this knowledge. What'd you guys do if you gradually were listening to me learning all this shit and then I accidentally blew myself up in my garage? How compelling would this podcast be? You'd listen to the first four and a half years, who's kidding who,

the first four and three quarter years listening to how dumb I was, and then you're going to hear that crucial podcast where I said that I'm going to buy a book on this shit. By the way, has anybody seen on Spike that fucking thousand ways to die? You guys seen that shit? What a fucking creepy ass show that is.

Despite the awful jokes that they have on top of it. They just show all these different ways that people have figured out how to die. And they just sort of trash people and say how stupid they are. And they fucking just, they don't try to tone down that somebody was dead. It's weird because they're making these really bad jokes.

And by bad, I don't mean insensitive. By bad, I mean not funny over the top of it. But then when they show the person dead, it's really fucking creepy. They show these two girls who kept filming each other on YouTube doing practical jokes, wearing silly masks and scaring each other. So one of the girls' brothers was a mechanic or something.

So they got that airbag thing and they stuck it underneath this cushion. I sound like an old lady right now telling a death story. And they didn't know it was there. So she sticks it there. She tries to get her roommate to sit on it. She's tugging on it. Her roommate pulls away.

The girl who put it there lands on it. It shoots her up in the air over the banister and she fucking breaks her neck and dies. And they go through the whole thing, the graphics of her breaking your neck and then they just show her there with her head all twisted up. It's creepy. A really creepy fucking show.

And then they have bad jokes over the top of it. Maybe the bad jokes are on purpose. Why don't I shit on another show and just burn every fucking bridge I can out here? Hey, you know what? It's time for some advertising. Here we go. Let's do it.

We do it every week. Stamps.com, everybody. If you're new to my podcast, if you're new to my podcast, Stamps.com, do you like going to the podcast, to the post office? No. Maybe you do.

Well, if you do, then keep going. God bless you. But if you don't and you were thinking like, you know, I wish there was a way I could handle all this business within my own apartment, within my own house, within my own cardboard box as a homeless person that I live in, but for some reason have some sort of internet connection. All you need to do is go to Stamps.com.

Okay? I use Stamps.com. It's great. I send out all my DVDs this way. They give you a scale. You can weigh out your stuff and you can use your computer and you can print out legal stamps. Bang, bang, boom.

Plus, after you do it a couple of times, you got it down. You got it down. You can fly through it. All right? So you go to Stamps.com, a special offer for my listeners. Use my last name, Burr. B-U-R-R for a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer. This includes the digital scale and $55 of free postage.

All right? Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage, type in Burr. B-U-R-R. That's Stamps.com and enter Burr. There you go. All right. Where the hell am I?

Back to the damn. You know what? I finally figured out how to use this computer. I didn't realize when I bought this computer, I then had to download everything else. I thought with the amount of money that I spent on it, they would have given me some sort of program that I could have written in. But I can't.

I got to go download that. You know? There's another $20. Let's siphon that out of his fucking wallet. You know? I can't even say it. I was just going to say, you know, come see my act. I have a nice little new chunk.

Come see my act. Don't see me. Just come by and go see my act. Car repair. Bill, you're right. Fixing your car is a good feeling. I had to go with the passenger side window for months. It finally went out on me a couple of Fridays ago,

and it was stuck all the way down in the door with the forecast showing three days of rain. Anyway, I ordered the part, took my door apart, tools everywhere, dirty hands, had some music going, feeling like a man, baby. I had just found out a couple hours before my wife and I are having a boy. Congratulations!

Dude, that's awesome. He goes, I didn't really know what I was doing, but I did a YouTube search, replacing Nissan power window motor. Boom, it was there, and it took me through it. Yeah, that's all I've been doing. That's how I fix my blender. YouTube is the shit.

The fucking internet is the shit. People spend so much time writing racist stuff and jerking off the porn. You could go on YouTube and you could teach yourself anything. You could learn how to play guitar, you could learn how to play drums, play guitar, anything you want to do. All I can tell you is stay away from expert village.

Their videos are short, they're not informative, they suck, and they are like this fucking plague. Because once you get into their expert village fucking vortex, you can't get out of it. You gotta like literally shut your whole fucking computer down and start over again. I don't know, I'm 100% for that. I fucked up the mirror on the side of my car.

I just have to have enough time in my schedule to just pop that thing off. I watched a guy do it. It's simple, there's two screws, then you pop the thing off, then there's two more. You unplug the fucking thing, pull it out, you stick the next one, plug the thing. Jesus, I can't even fucking explain it.

Whatever, I don't fucking know, hang on a second. Sorry, I had to adjust my fucking weight there. Yeah, I've actually, since Nia's been out of town, she doesn't even know, I've gone out and I've fucking blown like, I think 300 bucks on tools. You know, all over the map, some shit for cars, some shit for fixing stuff around the house. And you know what's funny, she just looks at me

and smiles at me like she thinks it's cute and it's really fucking annoying me. It's just motivating me to want to fix something. Like, you know, I fixed a fucking blender and I didn't get any credit. She's just like, yeah, you know, yeah, it's cool. Bill, I said what? I said, I said, I said I was happy for you.

You know, like it doesn't remember, it's like you wanted to throw the fucking thing out that was gonna cost me a couple hundred bucks. I fixed it for seven bucks, right? You know what it's like to go on stage and have a great set and then you come home and you're bombing your own house. That's my life, people.

That is my fucking life. Somebody sent me a douchey thing on Twitter giving me shit about something that I said. You know, and I really gotta learn to stop taking the bait. I didn't write the person back. I don't even know if I can even fucking talk about this. They were calling me out on something, which technically they were right.

Hey, you said this in your act and now you're promoting that. You know, it's a typical fucking thing where it's like this person isn't offended by anything I fucking say, but then all of a sudden it comes around to them, they have fucking world and now they're offended and sitting there giving me shit

saying I'm a piece of shit. When I know goddamn well you're on fucking YouTube watching all my fucking videos for free, watching all these other comedians' videos for free, putting other people out of work, go fuck yourself. All right? See that, that was all in code.

That's for the person who wrote me. Go fuck yourself, you fucking cunt. Why don't you pay for music? Why don't you pay for something? You're not putting people out of work, go fuck yourself. The podcast is for free, it's still for free. So why don't you go skip down the street

and fucking tweet to somebody who gives a fuck? There we go. Got that out of my fucking system. Do you know what's the worst thing about me? Aside from my general contempt for humanity is I have a complete fucking inability to not insult and curse people

when I feel that I've been wronged. You know? So then, I've said this in my act, even when I'm right I become wrong. You know, a buddy of mine pissed me off. I haven't fucking talked to him for three weeks, finally calls me up.

He's like, hey bitch, finally calls me up. He's like, hey bro, I haven't talked to you well. Is everything cool? He knows everything's not cool. He knows he was a cunt. And I said, no, everything's cool. No, I've just been busy. Because I don't have the fucking ability

at this point. I don't have the ability to be like, listen, I just want to say that the other day I felt that there were a few things that were said that I didn't appreciate and

I'm not sure if you meant them in that way but I just can't do that. You haven't called me a couple weeks. Yeah, it's because you're a cunt. Because of the fucking shit you said the other day and you know what you were doing and don't even fucking act like you weren't, go fuck yourself. That's how it goes down.

You know? Ah, it gives a shit. You know where I really fucking can't stand is that fucking guy he does those Ford commercials that creepy fucking guy with that, you know what makes him so creepy is he's fucking pleasant.

He's got this pleasant tone. I think he used to do the dirty jobs thing. I don't know if he still does it. He wears that fucking hat with no logo on it so you can't describe what he really looked like you know, after he gets done feeling up your fucking daughter. He's always hanging out with people younger than him.

You know? He's on the street and yeah, they make my girlfriend says it makes my butt look better and then this fucking girl's like hey, nice ass and he's like that's not my girlfriend. That fucking guy. I don't trust people like that.

That guy with his pleasant that whole pleasant just even keeled just sitting there with his hands in his pockets just fucking 100% flat line non-threatening. That guy I swear to God will pour nuclear waste

into the water supply for a corner office. I'm not saying him literally but just people like whatever that fucking image is I don't trust pleasant people. Is that my issue? I just don't trust people

like all those Tibetan monks you know? When was the last time you saw them losing their shit because they got a parking ticket standing there in their orange robe down at some overweight woman before she gets back on her fucking goddamn moped. You know? I don't trust him.

You know what it is? I don't like people who pray in public. I don't like they sit around like you know they're doing that shit, right? You know what's funny? I bet they fucking steal flat screens. All those Tibetan monks that's why they wear those long, that's why they wear drapes. Just stealing all this swag out of your

fucking house as one of them sits there just calmly smiling at you. You know? That's why they all dress the same. Just like the drug dealers on the wire. Those Tibetan monks are the same fucking thing. You can't describe them. They all just start running. It's like a school of fish. You can't figure out what the fuck's going on.

You know? They'll fuck that in up trash and monks. Oh whatever. This is all just self-hatred. I got it. When is this anger going to go away? I'm already past the halfway point. I've already played at least 10 holes in my life. I had to have. I'm going to be 44 years old.

Times 2 is 88. 88, Eric Lindros. Hey, wait a minute. Let's see what element that is. Let's see what old 88 is. You guys interested? Is there an 88? 81, 89, 88, radium.

Radium. Evidently it's what makes your watches glow. Radium. Was the titanium of the early 1900s. It was the brilliant, shiny, powerful element everyone wanted to associate their products with.

And sell it to whites only. They never have that part in. You know? They always keep that racist part like separate. You guys ever notice that shit? Like whenever they talk about the good old days about baseball. You know? Boy oh boy, go see Mickey Mantle.

Whatever they take me out through the ball game. They tell the Jackie Robinson story. It's just the Jackie Robinson story. And it's just about race. They never tell both those stories at the same time. Boy oh boy, when I saw Duke Schneider. Buy me some peanuts

and cracker jacks. And they keep all of that ugliness away from the game. Then they tell the racist part separately. You know? And these fucking people with the goddamn periodical book, there's no difference. Radium. Was the titanium of the early 1900s.

The Klan used to shoe their horses with it. I'm just going to fill in the shit that these they leave out of it. Just as many titanium products today contain no actual titanium. Many radium products of a century ago

such as radium furniture polish and radium toothpaste contained no radium. Interesting. I wonder if the knobs of J.P. Morgan, that piece of shit's fucking walking sticks had any radium in them. You know, as he pushed

Woodrow Wilson into office. Why isn't that in here? You know, I fucked this book. I am going to memorize it though. Alright, you know what? Like I said, I'm doing the handjob whisper this week and then next week I'm going to be at Flappers out in Burbank, California. The 25th and 26th.

Okay? And for some reason you ever wanted to see Ralph Malfe put together an hour of comedy but he never did stand up. I am a wonderful substitute. I will be out there. I'm going to be at the mall people on May 25th and 26th

doing my jokes or some semblance of them. I'm actually having a really good time putting together this hour because I don't know I don't know where it's going to come from because usually I just talk about my life and as you can tell

talking about fixing carburetors is not exactly a mainstream topic. Can't put together the next 5 minutes for late night television talking about carburetors can I? How the fuck do you make that mainstream? Oh Jesus what the hell am I talking about here? Let's get to some more

advertising here. Oh we have a new advertiser this week everybody. The man great. The what? Yeah, the man great. What the fuck is the coffee? The fucking worst. Where is it?

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aluminum or whatever they are. Stainless steel pieces of junk off. You drop these ones right on. You get it for your dad. You get it for yourself. And you make yourself some great burgers just in time for the summer. Just in time for the summer. Alright

there you go. So there's that part. You know what if I actually was doing this live I would take a caller at this point. You know. We're talking to Mike. Mike out in Ohio. Mike what's going on. But you know I just want to say I'm a big fan

of the show and uh you know go fuck yourself. I never like taking callers. Back in the day when I used to do uninformed there we go car report. Alright advertising request. Hey Bill you've been asking your listeners. Whoa what the fuck just happened. Face time

podcast. This computer freaks me out. Um advertising request. Bill you've been asking your listeners for advertisement and discount suggestion. How about a Snapple? Kiwi, Strawberry, Snapple is my all time favorite

drink. Is this serious? You want me to advertise Snapple? Cause you like Kiwi Strawberry? How much are they? You need a break on that? It's my all time favorite. If I could find a way to get your listeners a discount on that

you would be even more awesome than you already are. Please please please look into this. Kiwi Strawberry Snapple. Um You know what dude I'm going to go out on a limb. I don't think that's ever going to happen. You know

I don't drink Snapple. I don't even know what it is. What is it? Is it supposed to be like juice? I don't buy any of that shit. You go to a real juice house don't you? One of those places where fucking hippies hanging around. If you want real juice you got to go to hippies

or go to farmers. You know? Other than that I mean isn't it like made out of like corn and black matter and grey matter or some shit? It's all like fucking sugar isn't it? Snapple? I have no idea. Dude I'm not

advertising Kiwi Strawberry Snapple. Hahaha Yeah that's something I would I wouldn't even have drank that in the seventh grade. Something about Kiwi just doesn't sound good. Strawberry Snapple maybe? Blueberry? I'd be down with that. Kiwi Strawberry?

I don't know. Isn't that like the uh what is that big cartoon movie everybody's going to see that has like every superhero in it? Is that any good by the way? Cause I'm going on the road again. I might want to go see a couple of movies. Can anybody suggest one?

What the fuck is the name of that? I'm going out of my fucking mind. You know what it is this week people? I got so much shit on my fucking mind. I gotta leave the goddamn house again. I gotta make sure it's all fucking Let's play a game called what Bill should have done with his life. I should have been a teacher.

You know, just tapped out. Just done that, right? You work from fucking September to June. You get two months off. You get a week off in February. April vacation. Christmas vacation. You out the door at three.

Right? All you gotta do is just have a bunch of pens in your front pocket and everybody thinks you're working. Once you teach it the first year, you got it down. Then you just keep coming in there, right? Nine to three. No extra help. But I don't get it. Nah, you'll get it. You'll get it. Just keep coming to class.

You'll figure it out by November, you know? Start banging the fucking hot math teacher or some shit. That's what I should have done. Just had some fucking little shit car. Little one bedroom apartment. Just fucking grown food out on the balcony. Be that guy. You know, like I would die and people don't know for like three weeks. Did you hear about him? By the time they found him

his parakeet ate half his face. It'd be a sad existence, wouldn't it? Well, wouldn't it? I don't know what to tell you. You know what? Every time I do this podcast I sit over here and I look at my guitar and my wah-wah pedal. I'm trying to get the balls to fucking play something for you guys.

But the thing is, I need to get warmed up just to suck. Forget about just being straight up awful. But I'm telling you, I'm growing by leaps and bounds on that thing. There's somebody having a wah-wah pedal. That's like... Makes you actually sound like you know what the fuck you're doing. You know?

I was going to watch one of those Rock and Roll Hall of Fame things. They had like Guns N' Roses and a couple other bands that I liked in it. And it was like fucking three hours long. And at that point it's just like, dude, go fuck yourself. You know? I don't want to watch it for fucking nine hours. I actually put it on and I think it was that guy

Dunovan who sang that song. You remember that? When fucking Joe Pesci fucking kills Billy Bats, that song that they play. So they like, they inducted this guy Dunovan. And he was talking about this poetic

bullshit. But I couldn't understand what the fuck he was... I just turned it on. I hope he doesn't have something wrong with him mentally. Because I don't look like a douche. I thought it was Brian May. Have any of my thoughts over the last 20 minutes even been like even remotely connected?

Alright. Advice. You know what it is? I also have the stress that I have to learn my lines for the handjob whisperer. And I gotta get on that shit too. Alright. Advice. Contestory of her best friend. Hey Bill, big fan of yours from Canada.

And listen to the podcast every week. That's awesome. Alright. I've been with my girlfriend for over four years now. Dumber. House together. Jesus. And have the usual relationship ups and downs. I like your advice on how she talks about me to this lady

she calls her best friend. The friend talks relentless shit about how terrible I am. And how she'd be so much happier with one of her guy friends. What? I just got lost. The friend talks relentless shit. What, to your girlfriend?

Dumber. And how she'd be much happier with one of her guy friends. Oh, she's trying to fix her up with one of her friends. Even going so far as to invite them both to the same party knowing full well I won't be there. I've approached my lady about it

and she says I'm being paranoid. I've seen messages exchanged between the two ladies so I know I'm not crazy. My question is how do I tell her that her best friend is a miserable lonely cunt and they get her to stay out of our relationship. Love the podcast.

Keep up the great work and go fuck yourself. Dude, I don't know about that whole thing. Like, why do you want, why do you want to at this point get this girl out of your, like the other girl trying to like hook your girl up with guys

you know, to meet instead of you. Is your secondary problem at this point? Your first problem is that you saw evidence of that and the woman you're with lied and said it isn't happening and tried to say that you're being paranoid.

I don't know, I don't know what to tell you here. If I was in that situation and I saw those I would have, I don't know, I would have taken and be like, well yeah, what the fuck is this? Once again, of course cursing. Stop yelling at me. Stop being a cunt.

And acting like you're not. You're being a fucking cunt. All right, do you not want to be in this? Let's sell this fucking house and we'll end it. I don't understand why every time we try and talk about so fuck you. That's how I'd handle it.

Right, why is she doing that shit behind your back? This is what she's doing, dude. I think she might be out there trying to fucking, you know, treat it like monkey bars, where she's going to swing right out of your relationship into another one. Why else would she be doing that?

You've seen the messages exchanged between the two ladies, so you know you're not, did you say that to her? I'm not being paranoid. I've read your phone, all right, and then you come off like you're, that's a weird thing. When you start doing some J. Edgar Hoover shit on the person you're

with and you feel like a piece of shit is snooping, then when you actually find the evidence, there's no way to bring up the evidence without them being like, why are you snooping? You know, women can be like, I just had a feeling. Maybe guys can say that too.

I had a feeling, I had a feeling that something weird was going on. You were acting weird. And my gut told me to check your phone and I did and I found exactly what I was feeling. All right? Why are you mad at me for snooping?

I was right. You know, would I have to get a fucking search warrant? This isn't a cop show. Go fuck yourself. I was right. See, that's what I do and then it just becomes about me cursing. All right, well let's say for whatever reason you want to stay with this girl.

So your question is, how do I tell her that her friend is a miserable, lonely cunt and to get her to stay out of the relationship? That's a tough one because it's her friend. You know what you have to do? Everything, all the way that

I talk, don't talk that way. What you got to do is you have to go out and you have to buy a sweater. Just ride with me on this one, all right? You got to buy a sweater and maybe like some penny loafers and some dockers. You put the whole thing together.

Part your hair on the side like Mr. Rogers and then you just sit down at the kitchen table with your hands folded in front of you like somebody trying to be the teacher's pet and you just wait for her to come home. It's going to totally catch

her off guard. But you're going to be dressed so pleasantly like that douche in all those commercials that she's not going to feel threatened. She's just going to be a little creeped out. Honey, why are you sitting here by yourself dressed like Mr. Rogers? Just be like, uh, I just

there's something we need to talk about. And you just sit her down and you just tell her that you know see, I don't know how to do it without getting mad and cursing. I just don't understand why you're hanging out with this person.

She keeps trying to get in the middle of our relationship. She's just friends who are doing that and I feel like you're choosing your friendship I feel like your friendship with her is more important than your relationship with me. Alright? And if that's the case, then we need to sell the house

now you don't say that next. I don't know what the fuck to tell you dude. I don't want to tell you dude because I wouldn't do this. I mean, you said how do I tell her tell her that a friend is a miserable lonely cunt to stay out of the relationship? That's what I would say. You know? Listen

your friend is a miserable lonely cunt alright? I'm sick of her buttoning into our relationship then every night she'd go out and be like oh you're hanging out with a miserable lonely cunt and I want to say can you hang out with that miserable chick tell her I said what's up how many bad things is she going to say about me tonight

I don't know dude, well I don't know that's fucked. That whole thing is fucked up I don't know if you can't do that you know what I would do if I was you I'd start finding some good looking women to hang out with you know just in case she's getting ready to jump ship

you'll have something nice to land on to right? I don't know. Do women even listen to this podcast anymore? I can't remember the last time one wrote in I'm just such an off-putting douche overrated underrated for this week overrated getting into a four car pile

up in Boston while listening to the podcast ah see it Hampton Beach get out of here you got into a four car pile up you said go fuck yourself you know what you didn't even say but it was overrated, oh overrated it is overrated well I said to listen to it in your cubicle

ah I'm sorry dude what happened what happened to your car a four car pile up you going to blame my podcast for that ah shit ah anyways that's the podcast for this week everybody ah

no it isn't wait a minute I got a couple of things I got to talk about I got a couple more advertising things and I got to tell you where I'm going to be what do you want to hear first you want to get the homework out of the way first you want to hear where I'm going to be well you hold the power you have the fast forward buttons you can do whatever you want here ah

where is it where is it where is it busy schedule buh buh buh man great advertising alright ah game fly we still got game fly hangin strong gamefly.com everybody I'm sorry gamefly.com

slash burr alright you get a 15 day free trial ah um typically it's only 10 days but you get an extra 5 days if you go through the link on the podcast page there's no late fees new titles netflix for video games ah www.gamefly.com

slash burr for a 15 day free special trial free trial 8000 video games delivered right to your house or to your apartment or right to your pc can you beat that I don't think you can alright so oh billy fatigan

billy fatigan he's got to take off some fucking weight and I'm going to be starting in June when I go on my whirlwind tour of this lovely country um and I'm hitting a lot of cities that I don't think either I haven't been to in a while or I've never been to

ah in the history of me running my yap in history um this is the deal I got san jose coming up June 15th and 16th then I'm at the chicago theater June 17th with uh vince von steve burned and ah I don't know what else is on

it's gonna be a huge show then June 29th 30th and July 1st I am in at the Ontario improv inland empire Ontario California and I fucking hate that gig

I'm not even gonna lie to you it's not the gig I hate that fucking drive that drive is the worst I don't give a shit what time you drive out there it's nine hours of fucking traffic no traffic you know I could get out there in 45 minutes with traffic you know it's

gonna be like three hours and ah I'm actually contemplating getting a hotel sitting in a hotel 45 minute drive from my house um but whatever the shows are gonna be great July 14th to be at the Hampton beach uh casino ballroom

Newport Yachting Center July 15th carolines on Broadway 26th through the 29th of July there you come the weird ones Orlando Florida Orlando Florida September 7th 8th and 9th

I'm gonna be at the Braille improv on the 21st 22nd and 23rd of September and I also know I have a date in uh in uh North Carolina let me see if I can find that date for you

hang on a second alright there it is I'm gonna be at the comedy zone in Charlotte North Carolina September 13th 14th and 15th um hanging around for that Panthers game

on Sunday and then also I am gonna be at the comedy zone in Jacksonville Florida on September 27th 28th and 29th hanging out to see the Jaguars playing the Bengals I'm knocking off all the football teams I haven't seen

um this year while whilst building my new hour and right about then my new hour will be coming out so there you go a couple of uh down home ones Orlando Jacksonville and uh Charlotte North Carolina

I know people in Orlando do you think you hit because Shaq lives there as does Tiger Woods you know I don't know you know what I don't know anything about I don't know anything about Orlando Florida what do you guys do there you got that the fucking

old ass uh Disney world is that what it is the Epcot center that was actually built when Rubik's Cube was still fascinating is that still good down there Disney world I haven't been there since I was when last time I was there

um last time I was there the fucking Epcot center looked like the Death Star and one of those when they were just building it one of those Star Wars movies that those nerds like to watch you know I can tell you guys how much I fucking hate Star Wars

I hate Star Wars so much that I only like Empire Strikes Back because he almost kills Han Solo and he chops his hand off right um no wait that was Luke Skywalker right

all the nerds just freaked out how could you confuse him um yeah it just wasn't into it and I also thought Chewbacca was fucking useless and fucking useless I mean Chewbacca was basically Bigfoot

they just gave it a different name typical Hollywood movie you know steal an idea give it a different name and then stand there being like what what I don't know you any money you know that Chewbacca like fought the six million dollar man

like six years earlier on television do do do do do do do do do do you saw him with his bionic eye right and they fought each other and then a few years later he's in space no wait that was the Bigfoot was Andre the Giant

yeah and all he did was fill in his face and then he had Chewbacca I just didn't fucking get I didn't understand Chewbacca it was a fucking uh it was like an orangutan or something

orangutan I would say orangutan like the drink orangutan that's what it was right why are you shooting a gun did Han Solo go run up to Darth Vader and try to bite his neck like a fucking

tiger I didn't get it I didn't like I didn't like Chewbacca I didn't like how he sat up right you know what I mean I didn't I didn't like that hole I didn't I just didn't like it and I hated the fucking robots you know

I thought C3PO was just to rip off of that dude from Lost in Space the gay guy running around um how the fuck did that guy ever end up on a space trip I mean he just didn't have the he just didn't have the

he didn't have the uh I don't know what's the word I'm looking for he just didn't have the chemical makeup to do I was like absolutely scared of his own fucking shadow why in God's name would he get on a spaceship and travel through space when he has stayed home

you know well shit Bill you don't understand how planes fly yet you get you get on one every fucking week don't you um the hell was I talking about let's try to work our way back here $6 million man fucking Bigfoot Sasquatch

oh Epcot's oh the fucking Disneyland I mean it's gotta look like the goddamn projects at this point doesn't it did they keep it up did they work on it um I mean what can they really offer you at this point did they make the rides bigger for all the fatties people weren't

nearly as fat the last time I went there when I went down there the big thing to do is when you went to Florida was you got one of those mesh shirts that had the number on it and it said Florida 78 79 or what 80 that was like a big deal and um

you pulled your tube socks up to your knees you had little Larry bird shorts on and you were probably wearing Adidas dragons or either Nike Cortez or the the the nylon ones the blue ones with the yellow stripe

or swoosh I think that was about it and then the broke kids were wearing Tom McCants you know and their socks and the elastic thing was fucked up up top that was it that's the last time I went there oh no wait

I went there about a year ago didn't I two years ago I don't fucking know Florida is a weird state you know they got all that money down there in Miami and other than that you got a bunch of people living with mosquitoes trying to act like they got money

you know even the mansions down there in Florida they all look like the fucking cheesecake factory don't they you look some like Americanized version of like a Mexican restaurant and they have like those man-made like fake lagoons they put people out there and like every other day like somebody gets like murdered

or a hurricane hits their house it's just a horrible fucking state and I'm going to be performing there on September oh shit you know what I got into I got into the fucking NBA playoffs I finally got into it and um I'm loving it like into basketball I got no choice

the Bruins were knocked out but I got to tell you I fucking hate the I hate the officiating the officiating is the fucking worst you can't even like bump into anybody you can't go near anybody there's any sort of touching of human beings those fucking

jerk-offs blow the whistle and they just they kill the drama just let them play the fucking game you know it's the worst yesterday was I was watching um the Lakers playing Denver and uh Pau Gasol the worst thing that ever happened was

Pau Gasol got called out for being soft they called him the Tin Man after the they lost to the Celtics in the finals so now he's like trying to be this hard-ass guy so anytime like he'll like he's trying to tip the ball he tips it up again tips it up again then it finally goes in

then he tries to do the Kevin Garnett you know primal scream he's like ahhh and he tries to act like he's this fucking badass but anytime he gets called for a foul you see the real him he'll tip it in

he'll dunk, he'll do all this stuff and stand there going ahhh punching his chest and then like the second they call a foul on him then he's just like what are you doing oh my god he's just sitting with his fucking mouth

hanging open and just shaking his head you know he just seems like he'd really like soft handshake you know he's probably good at playing the piano I'm just not buying it so what do you guys think the next round look at me talking basketball

I don't know shit about it I still only know four Celtics I know the big four that's it I don't know anybody else I haven't watched I haven't watched one fucking game this year I went to one basketball game went to the Lakers Oklahoma game when meta world peace

threw an elbow and I love how everybody judged him about that oh well his name is meta world peace buddy fucking elbow somebody in the head that's not too peaceful is it right what about God you know

he's supposed to be you know the king of peace and all I hear is how he's mad at me and his son's gonna come down here and murder a bunch of people throwing lightning bolts on the back of some fucking seven-headed horse you know what would you do if meta world peace

was the second coming of Christ wouldn't that be fucking awesome I would love to go to some Aryan meeting after that if they just proved it without a fucking doubt that that was the son of God do you know how much I pray for shit like that

or like for the toughest guy in the NFL to just come out of the closet and say he's gay and then continuing to kick the shit out of people those are the kinds of things that I want to see you know at this point I mean what the fuck else are you gonna do right

they got cars that are gonna start parking themselves do you see that the ditzy broad they had in the car that Ford Focus commercial with that douche with the hat with no label on it you know she's just saying like oh my God the car's like parking itself

what was that movie with that stupid little robot the cartoon and they had people in the future and they were so fat that they couldn't fucking move they just sort of sloshed around didn't they have like remote control wheelbarrels you remember that there was a little robot

that looked like a blender and of course it had some sort of relationship with like a fucking I don't know nail gun I don't remember movies there's gotta be a love story there's gotta be heart

I don't know what the fucking movie was you know what it was it's called iPod Wally wasn't there some Wally in there I don't know whatever but they said everyone was gonna be so fat in the fucking future

that they we didn't have legs anymore and all these people got fucking offended and yeah they're making all this shit you don't even have to think anymore does that even make sense you do have to think don't you you know this is one of these podcasts

I should have ended ten minutes ago because every you know what I sound like right now I sound like somebody who says they didn't commit the murder and I keep hanging around talking just further

convicting myself I keep saying I'm not dumb and I just keep doing things just to say otherwise alright here's the deal I'm doing the hand job whisperer this week and then I'm performing it flappers

that's my may are you jealous in June then I'm doing some other stuff and just come on out and see me and send me some some movies that I should go see that I'll then forget

and splice together with other movies and you guys can laugh at me that's it hey keep going to Amazon.com through my website go to billbird.com click on the podcast page and click on the banner for Amazon

if you want to go buy something if you do buy something they'll kick me back a percentage it doesn't cost you anymore money and ten percent of that goes to the wounded warrior project if Amazon.com ever gives me any money oh that's how business is

anyways that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves my predictions I want to say the kings are going to beat phoenix this point that game should be over I want to say it but there's just something about I don't want to jinx them

LA's never won a Stanley cup neither is phoenix but they haven't been waiting that long so I got a roof for LA and then you got the New York Rangers versus the the county New Jersey Denver

Denver New Jersey Devils I don't know I think the Devils are going to win just because they play that fucking goddamn defense and you can't get around it then you got to dump it in and chase it and I'll have fucking bullshit

who knows that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves I will see you next week God bless and that's it If I made a satisfying I made a way before I died We must go into the sea

Yeah, even the sea is not so full of me If I'm not like why can't I see All that circle is just in where I swear to be There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you And this hole in my heart can't be filled with the things I do There's a hole in my heart

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