Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-17-18

Episode Date: May 17, 2018

Bill rambles about San Francisco, keeping score, and Kyle Dunnigan's instagram page.

Welcome to the CPAP Games live from the Hayes bedroom. It's another eventful night, Bruce. It sure is, Ron. Steve has been struggling with this CPAP. His wife, Michelle, is trying to contain her rage. Michelle throws an elbow. She's leaving for the couch. Steve should get inspired.

Absolutely, Bruce. Inspire is a sleep apnea treatment that gives you comfortable, restful sleep with the click of a remote. There's no mask and no hose. Just sleep. Learn more at InspireSleep.com. Inspire is not for everyone.

Talk to your doctor to see if it's right for you and review important safety information at Inspiresleep.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I am just checking in on you. That's it.

As you might notice, my voice is a couple octaves lower. I've been doing shows all this week. And I was sick like a month ago, so I don't know that it's fucking recovered. But I don't have my usual mid-range voice. But this, I promise you, this is me. Anyways, I'm up here in San Francisco at the North's Theater with Nate Craig.

We've been having a great time all week. Last night, it was one of those nights, just had a great show. I was like, I didn't want to fucking go home. So we ended up going over to, we were just walking around. And ended up just at the Fillmore. So we walk over. So we go, fucking go over there.

I have a drink or something, right? Because Billy's off the wagon again, right? I guess when I get home, I'll get back on the fucking wagon. I'm the worst. I'm either on or I'm off. And I'm off. Yeah, baby. Sorry.

By the way, if you want to see arguably some of the funniest shit on the internet, Nate Craig told me about Kyle Dunnigan's Instagram page. And I guess Joe Rogan and Tom Segura, those guys have all hyped it. I've been completely out of the loop. That guy's one of the funniest fucking comedians. I've always been a huge fan of his stuff.

And I thought he was so fucking original. But his Instagram page, I can't even describe how fucking hilarious. Every morning for the last three days, I've been watching all of his videos for like an hour. Just laying in bed crying, laughing. His Instagram is at Kyle Dunnigan, K-Y-L-E-D-U-N-N-I-G-A-N. I hope I spelled that right.

And then number one. And he does like that face swap thing. And he does this fucking ridiculous impression of everybody. Bill Maher, Donald Trump, Caitlyn Jenner, all the Kardashians, just everything that he does as fuck. And Bill Maher is ridiculous. And then he's got all these different Trumps.

He's got tiny Trump, trans Trump, just Trump in general. It's fucking unbelievable. So check that out. So anyways, we ended up walking over to the, we ended up over at the Fillmore. So we go to walk in, and there's a band playing. So of course, the security's like, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

We're like, yeah, hey, we're just going in there to get a drink. And the guy goes, you can't, there's a show going on. This is a concert venue. You know, I taped a special there. It was kind of funny. I said, yeah, I know. I go, I've performed here.

He goes, oh, you've performed here? I've never done this. I just said, yeah, I'm a comedian. I just want to go in and have a drink. And then fortunately, he recognized me. I was able to pull that fucking card. I never pulled that card. It was pretty cool.

So then I went upstairs. And I just hear this fucking woman's voice. It's just incredible. Playing the guitar, incredible. And I poked my head into the seat. And you know, there was this big tour bus and this shit. But there wasn't a band on stage. It was just, you know, when the one person's up there

and they're playing to a loop, and then they loop it with something else, you know, she was doing that shit. I was like, ah, man, I miss seeing bands. I get it. All the fucking crowds stole the music and the fucking labels through the cross the board fucking deals where they even take a piece of your merch, you know, the greedy cunts.

So I get it. So I was just like, ah, so it's kind of bummed out. Even though her voice was fucking incredible. It's just like, I like watching a live band because I like when I want to bands like improvising and shit. I always love watching like Stevie Ray Vaughn because you'd see Tommy and Chris Layton, well, never stop looking at him because they're like, all right,

what's he doing? Is he going to go around again? Or is he going to fucking go into the verse? You know, when, you know, when start to come to the point where he would come out of the solo, is he going to keep soloing? What is he going to do? And when you just see that and then you see Stevie, just give him like this fucking little nod

as he's wailing on the guitar. And then they just seamlessly in that moment know that they're going to this next. That's what I fucking love. So it's just one person up there. It's, you know, but you're hearing a band. I get, you know, I'm a fucking old guy. I'm, where's the rest of the people?

Right. So I walked into the other room and I was sitting there with Nate, you know, and I'm just listening to this woman singing. I'm like, Oh my God, she's fucking unreal. I'm here a little Amy Winehouse. I just use incredible and had a drink or something. And then I go, man, that's I swear to God, that sounds like a band. And then I walk back out there and now there's a whole band on stage.

And I'm like, where the fuck did that woman go? Was she opening like what the fuck was going on? Long story short, I find out it wasn't a woman. It was a guy and his name is Alan Stone. And it was one of the fucking best voices I've ever heard in my life, incredible guitar player. Let me see the name of the band. It was funny.

We went in there was like, like all these hardcore fans of this band called Andrew, Andrew McMahon in the wilderness. Now, granted, this isn't like my necessarily my style of music that I would listen to. But like how well these people sang was just it was fucking incredible. The piano player was cracking me up because he was dressed like Kenny Loggins in like the early 80s. And like, if you looked at the guy, you're like, that guy is going

to have a major cocaine problem yet. Like the Kenny Loggins beard. And then he had the sweater tied around his neck. Like when I came up in the 80s, any time they were going to have like an asshole in a fucking coming of age movie in the 80s, they always had the sweater tied around him, you know, the fucking frat boy or whatever. But anyways, but it was a completely different vibe. And afterwards, all these nerdy chicks were going out, going, look at my faith.

Can you tell I was crying? They were crying. There was definitely, I don't know what was going on. But it was definitely sort of the crowd was those, you know, the kids who can't throw a ball, you know, and aren't good at fighting. It was that group of people. And they were fucking into this band. And this band was fucking amazing, fucking amazing. But what was hilarious was the bartenders were all bored as shit

because none of them were drinking. The Fillmore has this really long bar that goes all the way down the left side. And these fucking bartenders were just leaning with their backs against, you know, where the cash registers and shit where this looks on their face. It's like, how the fuck did I get this shift? Not going to make any fucking money tonight. But anyways, if you get a chance to see them live or ever get a chance to see that Alan Stone, I just was looking him up

and he was singing with Daryl Hall and stuff. Evidently, the guys are like fucking legendary. And I'm going like, who's this chick? Well, where's the rest of the band? And I just walk in the other room. So fucking stupid. But I'm glad that I was able to. Because I was talking with people afterwards when they were leaving. I go, well, where was that woman?

And they will laugh and go, and that wasn't a woman. That was a guy. I go, that was a guy. Thanks, Alan Stone, God. Anyways. So I went up when I saw that there was a whole band. Like, you know, I've only been to the film more a couple of times. And when you're upstairs, you get, you know, unless you have like the two old guys in the muppet show seats and those things,

it's very hard to see the band. But then there's this one area where it's straight on. So upstairs. So I walk and there was this woman's security sitting down. I go, is it OK to walk over there? And she goes, that section is private. And I wanted to be like, I only asked you once. You fucking cunt.

I don't know if she was yelling over the music, but I was just like, what the I felt like it was only a seven year relationship with her. And whatever the fuck it is that I do that bugs her, I just did it. That section is private. You know, I thought about, you know, who's that guy used to climb in to the ring like a spider, the guy who kicked the guy and broke his leg and a half, Anderson Silver. Remember that front kick he would do when you just didn't see it coming?

You know, that went into my head when she leaned forward, private. Just give the old right there, Fred, you know, and I would do that as an empowering move to a woman, you know, treating her as a woman. Treating her as an equal like, well, that's what you would do to a guy, right? How come women don't want that part of equal rights? That's all right. You want to make what we make then you, you know, you've got to take a mitt to the face every once in a while.

By the way, I have been such an asshole on stage this week. I've been having such a good time. I said some of the most ridiculous shit. Um, I don't know that I've said, I don't think ever I've just been like, it's a totally reaction to like what the, all this fucking crap out there. You know, I did this interview recently and I was talking to this guy. I'll probably get in trouble for the shit. I can't remember what the fuck we were talking about, but the guy goes, yeah,

but you can't say they can't say it's like, what the fuck are you? Yes, I can. You can't say why, why just people all of a sudden won't know their jokes. And then, then there'll be what's going to, what the fuck is going to happen? Um, so anyways, I've been up here all this week and, um, I got this thing in my rider, but if I spend more than one night someplace, they'll bring in some old drum kit or whatever. And I just play on it during the day.

So, uh, I'm up here and I don't know the, one of the guys who, uh, works at the theater is a drummer and they got me this sick fucking DW kid. That sounds amazing. I brought my double pedal up and I brought my fucking that, all that music that I wrote out on that, uh, Metallica song. She's been having like the best fucking time ever, although I'm missing my wife and my kid big time, but, um, this really is a, an amazing city. And I had a friend of mine come out last night, uh, who I hadn't seen in a while.

I kind of learned some shit though. I was glad that we hung out there rather than over at the punchline because I've really like how my brain works as far as when I get depressed is when I try to go into the past, you know, like if you go into a place that you haven't been in a long time, like you're all excited and then you walk in there and like nobody that, you know, you don't know anybody anymore. And you're like, nah, fuck, I'm old. The time came and it went.

Why didn't I enjoy it more? You know, so I was glad I met her over there, but, uh, you know, she just was one of the people, I don't know if this should have been a person like her in every comedy town, because she fucking her taste in comedians and how much she gave or still gives a shit about comedy is I think one of the major reasons why the standup scene here has always been so frigging strong. So anyways, let's, uh, let's plow ahead.

I went to the Giants game yesterday, the, uh, the baseball Giants. Uh, they had a day game fucking started at like one o'clock and, um, Nate was giving me all this shit because I was keeping score. When I go to baseball games, I like to keep score because if, if I don't, I don't know what the fuck is going on. You know, there's literally 18 people, you know, you don't know how much who's giving up hits. You literally make a pitching change.

You don't even hear it because there's so much fucking shit going on, you know, at the Giants, they have this woman doing the fucking announcements and like their voice just, it just doesn't carry. Like, I don't know what it is. Like you need the base to cut through. She's like, no, I've had you out of my house. I'm like, what the fuck did she say? Then I have to look at the number and then I got to look it up on my phone.

It's like, you just announced it over a PA system. How the fuck did I not hear it? Um, I played drums. Maybe my ears are fucked up. I don't know. I don't know what, but, um, I got a $12 course at that fucking ballpark. And, uh, what's funny is when you get the scorecard, the scorecard is a dollar

and then they make you pay for the pencil. Now the pencil is a buck. It's like the cheapest thing in the park and got a bag of peanuts and had an ice cold beer. I sat there keeping score fucking great. The only thing I was missing was a cigar, would have been perfect. And, um, this fucking guy, Suarez got shelled in the first inning and then he settled down, but the Giants were never able to catch up.

It was, you know, it's a good game. It's definitely a good game. Beautiful ballpark. The Reds got some guy on there, on their, uh, their team, little fella, and he goes by scooter. So I, I'd be like, you know, at some point you got to call me by my name, but he still goes by scooter, right? So we're sitting, they go in like Nate's going, how tall do you think that guy is?

I'm like, that guy might be a couple inches shorter than me. And then he steps up to the plate and just fucking crushes one, crushes one all the way out to the fucking, I call it the ocean, McCovey's Bay, Cove, sorry, McCovey's Cove, whatever the fuck it is. Um, I think that's why he still goes by scooter. Cause that's got to really fuck with the other, the pitchers, you know, confidence. I mean, you just step up to the plate and your name's Mike and you go yard. He's not going to give a fuck.

But some guy named scooter hits the ball into the fuck, you know, your best pitch into the fucking ocean. That's good. You know, you got to be, you got to take a lap, you know, around the mound going like, it's just the end of my career. Some fucking make a wish kid just came up and just fucking crushed into the ocean. Um, anyways, how about those Boston Celtics? Once again, I'm working every fucking night this week.

I've missed every second of the last series in this series. I just keep watching the highlights and, um, and defense of the Cavaliers. Uh, I guess they have the worst team defense in the league. Um, but you know, Brad Stevens, I guess is out coaching them and all that stuff. But, uh, got to be honest with you, I really won't feel comfortable that we're going to beat the calves until we win the fourth game. Cause if the calves went tonight, I'm assuming they're playing tonight, then all of a sudden it's two, one, and it just gets scary again.

Like, ah, fuck, here comes LeBron, here comes LeBron. I mean, you're talking about a guy who has led his teams to the finals. How many years in a row? And I don't give a fuck that he was on a pile on team. Kobe was on a pile on team his entire fucking career. And he didn't go to the finals fucking, you know, seven years in a row, whatever the hell, um, LeBron is working on right now. So, uh, we shall see.

This is all, you know, It's all gravy, but they just keep winning in the fucking rocket speed. The goddamn warriors last night, I guess, which is incredible. Um, you just can't root for the warriors. Once Durant went to the warriors, you just can't fucking root. It's just stupid. It's so fucking stupid. It makes the Miami heat not look like a pile on team.

Oh yeah, Miami was a pile on team, but I'm just saying, you know what I mean? Was the NBA was so, I know I've said this a thousand times, but the NBA was so fucking great that warriors thunder series where thunder went up three games to one and then they fucked it up because they were too young. They didn't know how to win. And the warriors showed the championship heart that they had. And then that was the story. The next year was where the thunder going to fucking get over the hump.

Were they going to dig down deep and, and, and slay the fucking dragon. And what happens? Luke Skywalker goes, you know what? You are my father, I'll fucking join the dark side and fucking Kevin Durant just goes over there. And the second he went over there, everybody who watches NBA hoop goes, oh, the warriors are going to win the championship. And then they did.

It was fucking boring as shit. Um, the only thing I like about it is that Durant didn't go to the Lakers. And I have to watch them, you know, once again, free agent, their way to yet another fucking championship, which admittedly as a Celtics fan, we did in 2008. But the fucking, you know, I've watched the Lakers get five championships in the last like 20 years doing shit like that. And it's just, you know, it gets fucking tired after a while, you know, um, especially because, you know, according to them, they're one championship

behind us, which, you know, we all know through Bill Simmons, you know, we all know through Bill Simmons book, they're not the two. And we also know there was a mobbed up fucking ref that fixed that Sacramento series, so they got fucking two banners, you know, but what I do like about it is that's very LA to pad your resume, you know, to make Instagram videos and then call yourself a director. Anyways, so I am, uh, I don't know, we'll see what happens. I wish I could just watch one of these fucking games.

If we get by the Cavaliers and the Warriors, you know, of course, they're going to go to the fucking finals. How are they not going to win a championship when you have like every fucking good guy in the league is on your goddamn team? Um, I'm, I don't know, the Celtics actually could win one or two games against the fucking Warriors. I mean, I'm not looking ahead here. I mean, that'd be what I'm real.

Then we got Kyrie Irving, free agent guy right there, Bill fucking hypocrite. Um, yeah, but we're upstart too. Those are all fucking, everybody adds one free fucking agent, right? That's all I'm saying. It was just, it was just bad. I just don't understand why, you know, I fucking hate the Lakers, but I don't understand why that one guy couldn't go to the fucking Lakers. But Kevin Durant could go to the fucking Golden State.

Why did you kill the whole fucking story? It'd be like if when the Celtics beat the Lakers in 84, if magic said, fuck it, then you just joined the Celtics. I don't know, whatever. I'm an old guy. The Celtics signed free agents too, but I mean, I would, I would think if we went to make a move like that, um, someone was actually saying that, you know, Durant or somebody is up for free agency and he might go to the Celtics.

And I was thinking, I don't fucking want that guy. I don't want to become part of the problem. You're just going to bounce around the league now, picking up rings, you know, and this is from a guy who barely watches the NBA. Why am I this upset? I'll tell you why I'm this upset. Now that I asked the question for you guys, now I'm going to answer. I just remember when I was a, when you were, when you were a fucking kid and

you had outdoor recess and you were choosing up teams, even as little kids, if it got too lopsided, you'd be like, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. You didn't even it out because even then you knew like, where would the satisfaction be in winning kids? No kids. No, not to do what the fuck they're doing, but I mean, that is the way it's done. Now, I mean, free agency give, I should just accept the fact, okay, here's, okay. Here's the deal.

I accept the fact that there's free agents. Okay. And I admit the, the Celtics, you know, we bought a championship in 2008. And, uh, you know, and we also added Kyrie Irving this year, but you know, maybe, you know, him and LeBron could get along a little better. I mean, I don't, I don't fucking know, but they has to, shouldn't, that should be a line, you know, that, that Miami heat thing shouldn't have fucking happened. The, the, the, uh, what's his face trade?

Kevin Garnett with Kevin McHale in the front office gives his old team Kevin Garnett for nothing. That should have been blocked when power saw with Jerry West in the front office went to Lakers, that should have been blocked. Just shit like that. That's all I'm saying. See, so I took a little burden out there, you know, maybe, I don't fucking know. Anyway, who gives a fuck?

Um, so anyways, uh, what do I got here? I got two more goddamn show. You have no reads. I have no reads here on Thursday. Uh, and I'm trying desperately not to do my impression of Kyle Dunnigan's Donald Trump or fucking Bill Maher, dude, his Bill Maher is so fucking ridiculously on. Have you ever seen the one he does, um, where he, he has like Bill Maher reading

to children, he's reading, reading like nursery rhymes. He's like, Hey, diddle, diddle the cat in the fiddle. Okay. The cow jumped over the moon, really over the moon. This story is bullshit. And he just like makes the kids cry. I know I'm doing a shit version of you got to hear the guy stop listening. My podcast and go here's some real comedy at at Kyle Dunnigan one.

The guy's a fucking genius. I don't get how that guy is not on Saturday Night Live. I just don't. You know, I bet, you know, why, because they wouldn't do the Caitlyn Jenner shit. I don't know what happened. They, they're all fucking political over there now. They used to be rebellious.

You know, you got to see his Caitlyn Jenner shit, baby Trump all the, all right, I'm done hyping it. I don't want to fucking overhype it. I can't overhype it. It's fucking hilarious. All right. Plowing ahead here. So I got, what's tonight Thursday, I got two more shows up here and then that's

the end. I'm going to be just doing a bunch of sets around LA. Get ready for my, my big shows there in, in Europe. And then my big birthday, turn it 50 next fucking month, you know, I don't feel any different. My shoulder is fucking great. Here's the deal. Every year in my birthday, I got to do like the amount of push ups for whatever

year I am. And I have a lot of push ups. For whatever year I am. And I haven't done them the last couple of years because my shoulders been fucked up. So I think the last time I did them was when I turned 47. So, uh, I'm up to doing sets of 35. So I'm right on, right on pace here.

And maybe then turning 50 won't be as devastating, but I did 50 push ups. Does that make me immortal? Um, anyways, you know what? I think the podcast is going to be a little short. I mean, I don't think I have anything else to talk about me. How the fuck am I going to fill up these? I feel, I don't even know what, I mean, I'm self employed. Why do, why do I feel, what am I going to fire myself?

If I don't do a full half hour, is that what it's going to be? Hey, you know, the Red Sox are actually playing the Oakland ace. I was thinking of going over there like an asshole. You know what I did here in, uh, San Francisco was joking. I did the impossible. I actually got a fucking sunburn in San Francisco. Like the sun was out, but I was just like, it's San Francisco. It's always cold and shitty here.

Um, they just have miserable fucking weather here. Um, that, you know, they have the great white shark fucking weather, right? The water is freezing. No one ever made it off the rock, man. Right. It's just always like that. In fact, I used to always come here and every time I would come here, I'd get sick. Um, I don't know why it was like the flight from New York.

I was living in New York and every time I would come out to do the punchline. I would get sick because, uh, a, I wasn't taking care of myself. Then I had that extra long flight and then I would step off into this just cold, damp fucking awful weather. And like three times in a row, when I came here, I got sick. And, um, Molly at the punchline, I remember the last time I came out there, she sent me like fucking sent me all these vitamin C packages, just fucking drinking a zillion of them before I got out there.

So I wouldn't get sick. I'm starting to think I was allergic to this down. So when I, uh, looked, you know, I looked up the fucking weather coming up here. As I was waiting for it to pop up, I just said cold and shitty. And I looked at it and it was every day there was clouds with a little bit of sun and then rain and I don't know what happened. Something changed. So yesterday we, uh, we walked over to the ballpark and, um, I'm like, God,

this is going to burn off. This is going to burn off. I bought a couple of really good seats and, uh, I was just sitting in the sun the whole fucking time wearing a North face jacket, sweating my ass off. But I was like, well, I can't take this off cause I got on short sleeves underneath that I'm going to fucking burn up. So I sat there in a winter coat and like 75 degree weather, keeping score. I look like a fucking, you know, the only thing I was missing was those

giant headphones with like the AM radio antenna sticking out of it. Um, those are the fucking lunatics though. Like I wasn't that bad of a nerd, you know, those guys who actually listened to the ball game while they're watching it and they're keeping score. Um, but I'll tell you, they know everything that's going on. They know when they make a pitching change, when there's a pinch hitter and all of that shit, like trying to keep score. Like when you're out in the outfield, the only way I was able to do it was

because I was, uh, at, um, right behind home plate. So when somebody came up on, on deck, I would just check the number to make sure they didn't switch somebody out. Um, and that's my exciting story about keeping score. All right. I'm finished. I'm starving. I'm going to go.

I've been eating good, even though I've been drinking again, which I don't fucking like, but I just get, I get fucking bored when I'm out here. What am I going to do? You don't want to fuck me up was I brought my Rosetta stone up here. I brought the little external fucking disc thing that you stick it in. I plug it in and I left the fucking disc at home. So now what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to get some coloring book?

My shows are at seven every night. I'm done by nine. I'm all wound up. You know, I've seen more goddamn couples arguing in public up here. The city is more expensive, I guess, than even New York city for rent or to buy something. And you can really see the stress on the people just screaming at each other. Saw that three times yesterday.

And I'll tell you, the woman was winning all three. And each one of the relationships, I was like, she's a lot smarter than that guy. Why is she with this person? Cause like the guy was like trying to come back, you know, you know, like the Rocky Balboa, who, what about you? What about you? And the woman was just rattling off all the things that this guy was fucking up. And granted, I was just walking by, you know,

I experienced their relationship for five seconds. And my immediate thought other than these two people need to break up was, you know, she's got you there, buddy. She's making a lot of good points. And I've been joking about this on stage too. San Francisco has the most homeless, homeless people I've ever seen in my life. It's almost like they're not real. They're so fucking homeless.

They're skid row. It's just fucking, it's unbelievable. We walked by this woman, she was literally passed out and her hand was on the ground and there was an empty bottle of booze that like so artistically had just rolled like two and a half inches away from her hand. It looked like you were on the set of a movie about homeless people. Like that's just such a perfect shot, you know, about alcoholism and addiction and all of that type of shit.

But it's like real. You know, we were like walking home from the park trying to avoid the hills, you know, as much as we could. And we just got into this, it was like, you know, everybody's got this skid row. They have a neighborhood, just a fucking neighborhood, just walking through. You know, I saw this fucking guy, he's in a wheelchair. When he's guys in a wheelchair, but his legs work, whatever the fuck that deal is, you know? And he just had like his shirt pulled up over his face and then his hands like covering his face

like he was the saddest person on the planet. You know, I was walking over the Fillmore and there's this blind guy just asking people, somebody can help him cross the street. So I was like, all right, I'm going that way, you know, and then he grabs my arm and then I immediately put my hand on my wallet because it's like, all right, I know I'm a gullible white guy, but I'm not that fucking dumb. All right. So I go to step off the curb and he goes, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

And I was like, oh, yeah, you're right. It's fucking green. And then I'm looking at him like, I start laughing. Like, how the fuck did you know that that light was green? And he started laughing. I forget what the fuck. I guess that makes a noise or some shit like that. But I almost walked a blind guy.

He goes, you got to watch out for the buses. I almost walked a blind guy right into the fucking bus. So I'm a fucking liberal sap, you know, this woman says to me, can you give me a blah, blah, blah? She look all sad and, you know, something the way she fucking asked me. I was like, I'll give her some money. I said, Nate. You think she's drinking and he goes, yeah.

And I was, I was like, all right, forget it. I won't fucking, and he goes, look if you want to go buy her a sandwich, I'll fucking do that. I was like, all right, all right, you know, maybe she needs some fucking booze. Oh, I got a phone call. Oh, look who it is. Look who it is. An old friend of the podcast, Joe DeRosa. Joe, I got you on speaker.

You're recording right now? I'm recording. Wrapping up, Joe. Joe, remember we used to do uninformed? No. Remember we used to- When are you wrapping up your dick there? When are we ever going to do another episode of anything?

Joe, I gotta tell you, fans across the country have asked the same question. Was that plural or was it just, was that one fan or did you actually say fans? There was a fan. At least, at least one guy in every city asked the same question. After I opened, people asked me all the time, no bullshit. After I opened for you in Atlanta, a shitload of people came up to me after the show outside. They were like, what are you doing uninformed? I was like, dude, we want to.

I just, sorry, you know, everybody- You know what's fucking hilarious about all of this shit? Joe, if I jumped in my car, how quickly would I get to your apartment? With no traffic. With no traffic. I got a whole setup over here. Let's just do one. Joe, I gotta be honest with you.

I have the weirdest relationship with you out of all of my friends, because we never had a falling out, but how little we see each other and how close we live together, it's like we had a falling out. I don't know what happened. What happened to us, Joe? Yeah, we tran- I'll tell you what happened. Nothing happened.

We transcended into family territory. I consider you family at this point. And, you know, you see, you don't see your family that much. I mean, honestly, you know, look at you as a family. I'm like, yeah, you know, we're good. Hey, the family back east. All right. Well, I think there's a reason why you're called.

So I guess we gotta do something. We got it. We got it. At least I gotta have you on the podcast as a guest. Is there anything you want to promote, Joe? Uh, Bill, I have a podcast of my own, but we'll see you with Al. The hard movie. Ah, Joe.

Oh, it's okay. It's about that. I was like, Jesus, Joe. He said it's about horror movies. Sorry, I talked over him. The hard movie. So you can check that out. And I'm at the old San Jose Rooster Teeth Feathers at the end of the month here,

the last week of May. You're going to shake your ass up there in Northern California? Yeah, shaking my fucking tail feathers. I'm making you money. All right. Let me end this fucking podcast. Hang on one second. All right.

And I'll talk to you about what other bullshit you want to talk about. All right. Hey, by the way, no, no, wait, no, stay on for a second. Hey, have you gone to Kyle Dunnigan? Have you been on Kyle Dunnigan's Instagram page? Kyle Dunnigan? No, dude, it's it's the funniest shit. You have to go on it.

It's some of the funniest shit I've seen on the fucking Internet. I'm not threatening you, Joe. I'm just saying you got to do it. All right. Let me wrap up this podcast. Don't fucking hang up because you won't pick up, you know, you never pick up unless it's abroad there. All right.

That's that's the Thursday afternoon podcast. I got to talk to my my fucking stepbrother, Joe DeRosa here. Enjoy the music and the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, greatest hits that will follow here. All right. I'll check in on you on Monday, you cunts. I'm out of my fucking mind, dude. Like when I'm out here, I literally had to make a rule

about just relaxing when I drive. And one thing that I helped is very therapeutic for me is letting people go. Right. If you're really like, and I get so frustrated with the quality of the driving out here, the inability to fucking make turns at a decent speed. And dude, when they go buy shit out here,

the second they pass it, it's it. They don't even remember it. They have no, there's no fucking clue for what's behind you. Like, you know what they do out here that fucking drives me. Now you'll be sitting behind some guy at a red light, you know, and you're up on his bumper, you know, like you're supposed to be nothing crazy. And it's the light turns green.

He then puts his left fucking directional on. It's absolute enraging and it's self centered. And yeah, it's, it's, it's I'm with you. It's wrong that I fantasize about pushing him into traffic. And no, it's wrong that you don't have the moral courage to do it. I think that's totally right. And whenever you hear about someone getting shot and killed for road rage, everyone first goes, Oh my God,

that maniac that shot that person. And I honest to God, the first thing I think is I'm glad. And until I find out the guy with the gun was the dick, who fucked up first. I love that you have to find out that the guy with the gun was the dick. I know. To find out that. Until I find out the guy with the gun overreacted a little. But it's just there's something about, because people are so

self centered and narcissistic when they drive. It's a reflection of who they really are. So that's why we take it so fucking personally, man. Like you let people go. If the guy, if a guy doesn't wave thank you to me. They don't do that out here. Partinal sin. They don't do that out here.

And I go from like being this fucking mother Teresa person. I turn into the devil. It starts. I try to stay calm as such with a couple of realies in my car. I just go really, really, really. You're not going to fuck these fucking people out here. I don't know what the fuck I even moved down here for. I end up turning into that just because some douche.

Dude, do you see the look on their face? They're like, please, please, please let me go and you go to let them go. And you think like, Oh, hey, thumbs up something, nothing. They immediately, I just back into their own. I don't know. I find sometimes I wave at people out here and they look at me like weird. Like, what do you know me? Like I maybe, you know, I did move 2,500 miles away from where I learned,

you know, societal rules. So maybe, but you know, you just think if, you know, if you're waving to another white guy, I mean, we're pretty fucking generic. Yeah. You know, there's not a lot of depth to the culture here. Yeah, there's, there's no gang signs on our way. I can see black guys get a little freaked out, watching which way your fingers are turned.

Well, plus East Coast, though, is, is so aggressive. And I hate to do like an LA thing. But out here, maybe that courtesy, like, you know, in Boston or New York, if someone lets you cut it, it's like, Hey, motherfucker, I did you a courtesy. And you're like, Hey, thank you for the courtesy. Yeah, you're a good shit, though. Welcome, you're welcome. But here it's like, well, that what's this expected,

because they might do that for each other more out here. And so it's not a big deal. That's the only way I can think of. I was in the Pennsylvania Turnpike one time driving to a gig. And I know I'm popping all over. I'm very self conscious talking. No, you're doing, you're doing much better. But I don't have, I don't have anybody to help us out with this.

Okay. I was driving to a gig and a guy cut into my lane. I was doing about 70. It was raining and he had a trail. Which is normal. And I'm like, I'm hydroplaning. You know, it was a real little drive to my Mustang. Real hunk of shit, fucking hydroplaning car.

Good call. And I'm driving and this guy's coming into my lane. And I immediately, your mind when you think you're going to die goes very quickly. And I'm like, okay, you got to slam on the brakes. You're going to have an accident. Hit the wall. Like it tried to, it's smart. Slow, slow yourself down.

Hit the wall. So I jam on the brake. I hit the horn and he veers out and we don't have the accident. So then I'm, I'm not afraid. I'm in a rage at this fucking guy. Right. And I pull up next to him and it's a, it's a, you know, a fat black dude, like, you know, a family mopey guy.

And I'm, I'm ready to really, you know, It's Cleveland from Family Guy. Actually, yes. And he looks at me and he gives me the like, oops, I fucked up wave. Like, sorry. And he gives me that. And every bit of anger. You can't cause he just owned up to it.

I'm sorry. And sorry. Yeah. Wave back. No problem. Yeah. That was it. In a second, my rage was gone.

You know what's funny? I sometimes when somebody acts on the rage, even though I know it's wrong, I sort of live through the fucking ecstasy that that must be like, do you remember when Russell Crowe through the phone as that guy, I just can't imagine like when you're in a hotel and you're not getting the customer service you want on whatever it is that the fact that you actually take the machine that they won't help you with

and fucking hurt somebody, the person who's not helping you, you fucking hurt him with it. Yeah. Completely wrong thing to do. But I can't imagine. I always was wondering like when he's letting that phone go. Just just fucking all that rage going at him.

I think it was, it was good for him. It was bad for the guy behind the behind the counter. Fine account was bad. Two people learned a lesson that day. Russell Crowe learned not to do it. The other guy probably learned better fucking customer service next time because I remember when that happened, I was in the Greenwich Hotel and it was DeNiro owns.

And I remember like, Oh my God, that's a really nice place. It's beautiful. Like he would stay at a dive. What a stupid comment. But I remember thinking the satisfaction it must have felt when the phone hit the guy. Like how good that must have felt to throw that phone at that motherfucker.

And again, he got in big trouble for that. But yeah, that was a story that I did. Do you know how mad you are you're pulling the wires out of the wall and that voice is still not going? Okay, what are you doing there? What are you doing? And then you wrap it up. You leave your hotel.

You're walking down the hall. You leave your room. You get into the fucking elevator and your brain's still going. Yeah, throw it at him. Yeah, throw it at what happened. Well, I mean, he went downstairs to the front. I mean, I don't know. I was assuming you picked the phone up off the desk

and just threw it on him. Oh, I thought he was upstairs in his room. Maybe he was. But I thought that I didn't, I didn't, I thought he just picked the phone up and threw it at the guy. That makes way more sense. And if I find out that he actually wrapped the cord and took the phone from downstairs, that makes me love him more.

I was, I loved him just for picking it up. I probably fucked it up. I fucked up everything. I don't know. Do you know the other day I actually called the periodic chart? I called it the periodical. That's, yeah, but that's understandable. I mean, once I was mad at you.

I was on break in bed. There's no excuse. That's like, you're on a, you're on a Western and you call it a cowboy hat. How do you not fucking know? It shows you the amount of fucking research I did. Yeah. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and this is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 17th, 2010. How the hell are you? How are you doing? How's your work week going? I just, this is one of these days, right, where I should, I should, you know something, I'm going to start having tap out days where I don't do the fucking podcast because I just got off a goddamn flight and I am fucking exhausted. Once again, I flew across this goddamn country and once again, it was the usual shit.

You know, and I don't want to make fun of people who are out of shape because I got a really heartfelt letter from somebody who was obese saying, what the fuck? Why are you always trash and fat people? Which I'm not. That's all you're hearing because that's the one that pulls on your heartstrings, you know, and he writes the whole fucking thing about how blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all this fucking shit, you know, you know, everybody feels, everybody, whatever group they're in, they feel like they get it the worst, you know, we get it

the worst, you know, even blah, blah, blah, when they blub, blub, blub, people at least say cagada here, right? But when they say fuck, no, please, all right? Everybody thinks they got it the worst and only one person is right, okay? So you got like a fucking 85% chance of being wrong, you know? Nobody says, you know, I'm going to beat you like an obese stepchild, do they? They don't. They say I'm going to beat you like a redheaded stepchild.

They don't have kick a fat guy day, do they? They have kick a fucking redhead day, a ginger day, right? That's what they have. And my A didn't make a fucking video about the fucking genocide of obese people, did she? No, she didn't. She made it a redhead. And it was funny, even to me, I've been so beaten down as a fucking redhead, all right?

So quit your fucking whining. You know, it's a fucking podcast, I trash everybody. Everybody's going down, including myself. Everybody goes down this week, okay? My Bruins are going to lose four games in a fucking row, and I got to listen to Keith Robinson, okay? A guy who my entire time of knowing him, every time I try to bring up hockey, he goes, ah, hockey stinks.

I don't like it. Nobody cares about hockey. All of a sudden, he gives a fuck. You know what's funny about that fucking ignorant jackass? He wouldn't even have known that the Bruins had a historical collapse of, you know, I'm so stupid, of historical proportions. He wouldn't even have known. It's just that ESPN finally showed some fucking hockey.

Jesus Christ, I was in Boston when it happened, and I really want to tell Philly people that everybody was devastated. But I got to be honest with you, I think maybe 11% of the city gave a shit. And I'll tell you why, because we haven't won in 38 fucking years, and we've pretty much sucked. The Bruins kind of jumped the shark when Ray Bork had to leave the team so he'd have an opportunity to win. And then he went out to Colorado, won the cup, and then, I know he meant this in a good

way. He brought the cup to the city to remind everybody in Boston what it looked like. And that was a low point, you know? That was a low point. And then we were up three games to one against the Canadians, and then we couldn't close them out. We lost that fucking series. Then they blew up the team, and they traded away, gone, shot, and fucking Joe Thornton,

dude. Fuck them, the couple of queers, they ain't leaders, dude. So we traded away our best fucking guys for what? Who did we get? We got fucking Babyface Magoo who we ended up trading to fucking Toronto. That's the only thing I got. I got right now. We got the number one pick for Phil fucking Kessel.

That's all I got right now. But anyways, I don't know what happened in that series. All of a sudden they just, they just fucking sucked. It wasn't like they weren't even trying. They weren't even fucking trying. They were just standing there, going, wow, look at the flyers. Jesus Christ, can that guy skate? Oh, hang on a second.

I'm going to try to clear it out of the zone. And the guy would take a slap shot, and he couldn't even get out. He couldn't even clear it out of the fucking zone. It would go like sideways into the boards. Jesus Christ. And now, my God, that fucking Mac Davis looking jackass, Hartnell, whatever the fuck his name is. You know what's funny about Hartnell is after the game when he's not, when he's not wearing

a helmet, he looks like a scary son of a bitch. Like Jesus Christ, did that guy just come out of the woods? You know? Does, does, does, you know, he fucking, he just, he just looks like, I don't know what he looks like. He looks like a mountain man. He puts that, that helmet on, all of a sudden he looks like he's in Blades of Glory. You know, any fucking guy can't even skate every, every time he goes to make a pass,

he falls down. But the fucker's there though, tapping it in. Danny Brear, all those fucking assholes. Congratulations, Philly. You guys totally deserve it. You know, unlike the Bruins, you didn't quit. You kept playing the game. And I don't know what happened.

Actually, the Bruins played the game right through game four, and they played the first period of game seven, and a little bit of the third period. You know? And I know this sounds like I'm taking away from the Flyers, but dude, they were just standing there. And they had one line that would actually go out and start checking some of the Flyers. And when they did, all of a sudden we were getting, we were getting opportunities. And it's like, why wouldn't you continue doing that?

Is that Craig, when not yet another job Craigie had on the bench? Did he also sit on the bench and go, oh yeah, guys, by the way, don't forget to play hockey when you're out there. And when they're around our net and they have the puck, it's usually a good thing to try to, you know, disrupt them trying to put it into the net rather than just standing there and waiting for them to shoot it into the net so you then can whack your stick on the ice and frustrate them. Oh, Jeepers, they did it again.

Golly, gee. Gee whiz. Oh, it's fucking brutal. It was bad enough I had to sit there and watch the Bruins lose, but I was in Boston, which means, and this is a great thing about fucking being in Boston is you guys know how I feel about Dan Shaughnessy, okay? The guy, he knows baseball. I'll give, you know, I will give him that.

But other than that, he has made a fucking career on misery. The guy loves misery. There's any fucking misery to be found. I don't give a fuck if somebody's playing Highlight or Stickball. He's going to be there to write a fucking story. And the great thing is, is he doesn't even have the decency to know a goddamn thing about the sport. All he's got to do is just talk about this misery that's about ready to happen or is

happening and then somehow tie it in to fucking Game Six of the 1986 Red Sox Mets series. That's what the fuck he did with hockey. If anybody who lives in Boston still has, I was going to grab one of the Globes, Boston Globes. It's fucking hilarious. I was saying at the night when we lost, and I was in a bar with like eight other people, was more fucking flat screens on than there were fucking Bruins fans at that point, right? Typical of all cities.

Dude, I've been diehard. I've been diehard. Everybody's fucking diehard when they win a championship. All of a sudden, they shit the bed four games in a row, you know, dude, I'm cutting into the Celtics. Cutting into the Celtics. Of course you are. You're like a winner, don't you?

But I was literally standing there going, you watch this guy, he'll somehow, you know, bring it around to the curse of the babe, which of course he does. And the great thing is, is he does not know shit about hockey. All he did was he looked at the box score to see who scored when. Just so he could be. And at 1748 of the second period, when fucking Hartnell shot the puck in the net, then he could then be like, it was quieter in the garden than it was in Fenway back in fucking the bit with Mookie Wilson.

He guys the worst. He's the fucking worst and he's got, he just, I don't know. I just don't understand how that guy still has a job and why people in Boston continue to buy his books about fucking misery. You know, he's such a pussy. Anytime anything remotely bad starts to happen in Boston sports, he always got, oh my God, what's going to happen? It's really, is that how you fucking approach, you know, whatever the fucking word is for

adversity, adversity. That's the word. That's how you approach it. It isn't. You wouldn't have got to the level that you're at as a sports writer and being on ESPN, if that's how you approach adversity. So stop to, you don't use your fucking lazy, learn about the goddamn game before you write another one you lazy ass fucking articles, Dan Shaughnessy.

You want to see what this guy looks like? I'll tell you right now. Just go, go to fucking, themmpodcast.com, got a nice fucking photo put up of him this week, that noodle hair looking jackass. Do you know, I remember a year after the Red Sox, after they came back, being down four games to none, you know? Not against some sad sack fucking team that barely made the goddamn playoffs, it doesn't have a fucking score.

They came back against a $200 million fucking team with like four or five first ballot hall of famers. We go on and win the goddamn World Series. The very next year, in September, we got a couple of injuries. We had like a six or seven game lead against the Yankees. And all of a sudden the Yankees come on and we start to lose a little bit. And this fucking idiot writes, the curse is back. You can feel it.

It's back. It's in the water. You know, it's the curse of what, Dan, the curse of what? 2004, the what, the fucking 11 month curse? The curse of what? That no one wants to buy you a stupid fucking book about misery? Is that what it is? I don't know.

I gotta admit, I think that was the worst part about the Bruins losing four games in a row because for the fucking life of me, I still don't hate the Flyers. I actually like Carcillo. I really like him and I hate the fucking Canadians. I hate the Canadians. You know, if a Flyer fan gave me shit, I mean, I'd sit there and take it. Canadian fan gave me shit. I'm not going to take it because I'll tell you, at the end of the fucking day, that

Flyer fan, he's from the United States. That's a fellow countryman. So all he's going to do is trash the Bruins. He's not going to trash the good old USA. That's why I don't like the Canadian. That's why I hate the Canadians fans the most. They fucking trashed my team and my country. I'll tell you right now, I won't stand for it with their little pointy little French

noses. They have pointy little French noses, huh? Talking about yesteryear, all walking around with their high school fucking Letterman jackets about how they used to dominate the league 30 fucking years ago. Let me tell you something right now, Canadians, you guys can fucking slide all over the ice blocking as many shots as you like because your goaltender actually sucks if he's any fucking good. You guys flopping around like a bunch of goddamn flounders every time someone takes a fucking

wrist shot. Oh my God. Whatever. Am I really trashing teams that are still in it? I'm going to shut the fuck up now. What am I going to do? Okay. What goes around comes around.

I've talked a lot of shit. My teams have won a bunch of championships. We deserve some sort of, you know, it's the balance, Dan Shaughnessy. It's the balance. Okay. You can't win all those fucking championships in five years and not expect to get kicked in the seeds as a sports fan. All right.

But do me a fucking favor. Don't write any more articles about hockey because you don't know a fucking thing about it with you glancing at the box score curse of the babe, horseshit that you wrote. They should surround this. You know what they should do with all those globes, though, that piece of shit article he wrote, they should snip it all out and tie him to a stake and use that as stuff that you use to start a fire, whatever that word is. What is that word?

Come on. Help me out here. That word to use when you stoke a fire with something gives with a K doesn't it? Kittle in a Kittle in a cunt, something I don't know what the fuck it is. Jesus Christ. I don't, you know, if you gave me a three games to none lead with like fucking six of my friends I used to play pond hockey with, we could have won one fucking game. Jesus Christ.

Just fucking standing around, standing around, then they went up three games, three goals to none in game seven and then all of a sudden they score, the flyer scored one goal and then they go back to that pussy hockey again. Oh my God. They scored a goal. Do you think they're going to score another one? It was, it was pathetic and I don't know. I am ashamed.

I am ashamed. I'm ashamed of my team, but I still love them and I'm still wearing my brewing shit. I don't give a fuck. You know, who gives a fuck lose three games in a row, four games in a row. Yeah. Why would you give a shit? You know, you know, I know I like how these idiots are sitting there talking about hockey right now going like, you know, and it's wide open this year, it's fucking wide open.

You know, the number one seed, two seed, three seed and four seed is fucking going, yeah, that's because the two teams that are left beat those teams. Stupid. All right. Well, actually, you know, the Bruins beat the fucking third seed, whatever. I'm just saying. And all of a sudden people looking at the Canadians, like they're still an eighth seed team. They are still an eighth seed team, but you know, they beat the Capitals and the Penguins.

So I would have to think that they are odds on favorites to win it. And I know this is boring, the shit out of everybody. I've literally talked about hockey for 15 fucking minutes. Have I? Fuck you guys. I don't give a shit. All right. In this next round, I am for the Blackhawks and I am for and I am for the Flyers.

My nightmare finals obviously is the Canadians for San Jose because I hate both of those teams. I respect San Jose. I went there. They're actually, it's a hockey town. They fucking loved that team, even, even though they fucking choke every year, but I got tired. I just don't like how they, you know, they annoy me San Jose and they annoy me because they remind me of how annoying my French or how my franchise never fucking signs anybody.

They somehow sign everybody and they're under the fucking cap. But I got to go for the Blackhawks because they haven't won it since 61 and so I'm pulling for that team and then I got to pull for the Flyers because I don't know, I actually always have liked the Flyers. I have to admit it. I always liked them. I like the fights back in the fucking day. Oh, and speaking of that, I remember that shit before this series started, they got this

new show on the Versus Network, this round table of like four regular dudes and they'll have like some big sports star come on. I'm not saying if it's a good show or a bad show, but I saw somebody, I believe it was that show going like Bruins vs. Flyers, oh god, this is going to be a bloodbath, okay? Just for the fucking record, for people who don't fucking watch hockey, it's not 1979 anymore, all right? And the Bruins and Flyers just played seven games, seven games, I believe two of which that went into overtime.

I'm already trying to block the whole memory of that series out. And there wasn't one fucking fight. There wasn't even at any cheap shot. There wasn't, I can't remember, I mean, I wasn't really paying attention with the Bruins then, but at one point, Mac Davis there got a stick to his face, but that's because the dude was trying to lift his stick up and he missed it, you know, he got a couple of fucking stitches. Oh, fuck it, all right, that's it, there, I addressed it.

So, I don't know, whatever. I heard there's a really good guy in the draft next year, Taylor Hawkins, is that his name or is that the drummer from the Foo Fighters? I can't fucking remember, I don't know any of that shit. I'm just hoping, look, this is all I wanted. All I wanted was us to fucking, after we beat the fucking savers, just to have a good showing in the next round, even if we fucking lose, I don't care. I know we're rebuilding, but did you have to shit the bed to that fucking level?

All right, whatever. This is the Monday Morning Podcast, this is a special hockey edition of the Monday Morning Podcast. All right, I don't even know where the fuck to go from here. How about a YouTube video, I might have even hyped this thing last week. This is one of these things, just search this, don't fall asleep at a baseball game, just watch that, and for all you women out there, you'll realize how much fun it is to be a guy when you watch this video.

We can have fun when there's absolutely nothing going on, and not only that, it's fucking hilarious. Are you saying that we can't have fun? Actually, I think I kind of am, but I think the reality is, is I just don't understand your fun. So this is for all you, all the ladies out there, why don't you watch that video, okay? And I challenge you not to fucking laugh, well, I guess you won't. You won't laugh.

You guys are great liars and you're great at controlling your fucking emotions, so you won't. But I'm just telling you, it's a funny fucking video, all right? And if you want to show me how women have fun, you show me a video of women doing like absolutely nothing is going on, but it's still fucking hilarious. Find one of those on YouTube, and I'll have a little more respect for whatever it is that you do, because my references are, I guess, sex in the city, you know? Is that even a reference?

I don't know, just the women I've dated have always watched that fucking show, you know? Can you believe they're making another fucking one of those movies? They're making another sex in the city movie, and now they're going to Egypt. At what point are they just going to let that fucking thing die? Why don't they just have the cast of the Drew Carey show show up, and that's what they should do. Somebody gets fisted, and then just fucking end it. Can somebody just end?

This really has nothing to do with either one of those franchises. It has to do with my fucking jet lag, and the Bruins complete fucking collapse. Oh, fuck it hurts. Oh, Jesus. All right. You know, I drank a lot this past week. I didn't realize something. This is a big test in a relationship.

I don't give a fuck how beautiful you think a woman is, how much you love her, how much she makes her heart go pitter-patter, your heart go pitter-patter. The true test of whether or not you can stand, you're going to be able to stand the woman that you think you're going to spend the rest of your life with is if you can handle what her voice sounds like when she's trying to yell over the noise in a bar. If you can handle what that sounds like. And you just fill in your funny punchline right there, because evidently I don't have the fucking energy to do it.

Whatever. I just talked to a hockey for 17 minutes to my fucking self. I trashed Aunt Shaughnessy. I told the fat guy to stand down. You know, fucking people want sympathy because they always eat the last cookie. Only selfish sons of bitches. Um, alright. You know what I'm going to do this week?

I'm going to tap out by reading some fucking emails from some of my listeners. Oh, here's something I learned this week. Did you know that the natural color of rubber is white? Did you know that? I didn't know that. I went by this guy's place. He had this collection of fucking cars and old motorcycles, and I love that shit, because I wish I was good at working on cars.

You know what I mean? I wish I had a set of wrenches. And I'm working on a car, you know? Greasy rag in my back pocket. I could fucking, you know, find that right spot in the jukebox and make it play a song. You know? But I can't. You know what?

Fuck you. I could. I could. If I took some time, I watched a couple of YouTube videos, and he gave me a regular old engine. I could do some shit. I could figure out some stuff, maybe in another life. I don't know what.

So anyways, this guy had an old motorcycle, like, oh, I like how it's got all white tires on it. And he goes, that's actually, because it was like one of the original motorcycles, I guess, where you couldn't even fucking stop the thing. It just had to run out of gas. You just turned it on, and it just went full on. And I guess the way to slow it down was you had to reach down and put your hand over the carburetor or something, whatever the fuck.

Yeah, where the air goes in. Is that what happens? It's oxygen and gas mixture. You just put it over there. You sort of smothered it, and that's how you slowed it down. But anyways, these tires, I know that's completely wrong, so you fucking gear heads can trash me. I don't give a fuck.

You doing a podcast? You got a podcast on how the original motorcycles run? I didn't think you did. So go fuck yourself. All right? Why don't you clean out under your nails so your wife doesn't get another fucking infection? Oh, that was brutal. Anyways, when you finger blaster, just to spell it out to the fucking nerds in the cubicles,

how do I know that? I forget how I know that. I overheard a fucking dirty broad talking about that in a bar one night. Anyways, yeah, I guess the original color of rubber, and its natural color is white. I didn't know that. So all these years when I was looking at white wall tires, I thought that they just took like a strip of white paint or whatever, and they painted in white, and the natural color of rubber was black.

But it is white. And you would think I would have noticed, you know, all the years of looking at cars that side-swipe curbs, you know, and hacking up their tires, it was always white underneath. You'd think that I would have noticed, but I never did. So here's my question for all you gearheads out there, why do they paint it black? You know? Anybody? I don't know.

Where am I going with this shit? You know what that actually reminds me of? You ever see like when somebody dies on a bicycle, and then they have that entire ghost white bicycle that they have there, that creepy one with the flowers. I saw another one. It absolutely gives me fucking chills. It's my closest six cents moment that I'll ever have in my life when they do that. I don't for the fucking life of me understand why they have to put the bike there too.

You just can't put a reef down. Why do they have to do the whole bike? Who started that? I know I talked about this on the Opie and Anthony show a couple of years ago, but what the fuck? It still bugs me. It just creeps me out that, you know, he was on a bike and he died. They don't have like drunk drivers, you know, they smash into trees or you get hit by a

drunk driver, do they frost out a fucking car, you know, with a mannequin underneath it? That's a brutal joke. You know what I mean? It's just fucking creepy. Stop it. Some of you know, gets hit on a bicycle, leave a wreath there like a normal person, fucking sit there. Why don't you just put the bike he got hit on with the bent up tires and shit.

I knew it was going to be mean this week. I'm tired and I'm fucking my Bruins lost four in a row. All right, let me try to get something positive here. I'm literally in May Day, May Day right now. All right. Hi Bill. My fiance and a couple of our friends saw you in Atlantic City this past Saturday. You were beyond hysterical.

I got a picture with you. I recently quit my job as a photo retoucher for this high-end retouching company. My job was to make models thinner and more beautiful, but also sit on my ass 10 to 12 hours per day like a robot. It was brutal, but what could help me through it was listening to your Monday morning podcast. I would sit there in a silent room hysterically laughing, often needing to throw my headphones off because I was crying. I was laughing so hard.

In fact, I got in trouble once for laughing so much. People told me I needed to be more serious about my job, so thanks for doing what you do. Well, thank you. I don't know why I saved that podcast. That email made me feel good. You know what? I saved that before the Bruins lost four games in a fucking row, so I was in a better mood.

All right, let's read another one. See if I can get out of this. I'm really, really bombing right now. Bill, hi. I love your work. I don't know if you've covered this before. As I found out about you, what do you views on celebrity adoption? I think I saw Sandra Bullocks has just done this, but to be honest, she doesn't have the

profile or indeed now the father figure to really pull off this adoption. Seriously, though, I think it's sick. They find the most fashionably deprived countries, countries, oh my God, I can't even read this week too. All right, Bill, come on. Come on, get your shit together. All right, they find the most fashionably deprived countries. That doesn't even make sense.

You mean the most popular ones to give a fuck about? Is that what you mean? They take the prettiest kid in the orphanage and then dress them up at the baby gap and carry them around like a fucking chihuahua. It's like by absorbing them into this plastic LA bullshit lifestyle, they pretend they're actually doing something about the root cause of global poverty. When Angelina Jolie adopts a 56-year-old Serbian war widow with a drinking problem, takes her to Disney World and lets her fuck Brad Pitt, I might then buy it.

All right, that's all hilarious, even though I didn't read it correctly. But this is just this classic thing where, do you ever notice when you do something good if people find out about it, they have to trash it on some level? I mean, I get what you say, I've actually done bits about that. I actually did something about Paris Hilton, something bedazzling, some African kid making the kid match her phone or something like that and she left it behind in a club. It's one of those topical jokes I don't think I ever did on TV, but she is kind of doing something about it.

How can you say she's not doing something about poverty? She just took a kid who was in poverty, all right? I'm gonna play the devil's advocate, okay, and put him in a fucking house with running water and is now gonna feed him. You know, I think a lot of times when people do good shit like this, it annoys people because it reminds us that we're not doing shit about it. Maybe that's why I make fun of him. Or maybe it's that thing, you know, heathens pray in public so everybody can see how fucking

holy they are. I don't understand why they can't just adopt a kid personally and just fucking do it. And then that's it. You don't hold it up on the cover of People Magazine. Look, now I'm agreeing with you, I'm gonna go a little schizo on this one. Yes, Sandra, why do you gotta hold the fucking thing up? You know? I don't fucking know.

But she is doing something about poverty, that kid was fucking broke. And I'm really sick of all you people who don't live in Los Angeles talking about how plastic LA is and then you're acting like nobody lies and nobody's full of shit in your fucking hometown. Just be honest, they're better looking than you, they have more money than you, okay? And they're living the life that you fantasize about, all right? I'm man enough to admit that. I was actually man enough to move out here and have the audacity to think that I could

live that life on some level. That's how fucking pathetic I am. Look, I gotta be honest with you, if I ever did something like that, I think it's a great thing to do. You know? And considering the world is fucking overpopulated and we're headed towards major food shortages that nobody wants to deal with because everybody's, you know, I haven't had a boy yet so I'm gonna try to have another kid or I haven't had a girl yet so I'm gonna try to have another

kid. You know? I read something about this guy in Rolling Stone today, I didn't know his fucking name but he's some legendary soul singer that I've never heard of so I don't think he's that legendary because I think it would have heard about him. I think when you're like seriously, well I guess if he was an icon it would have heard about him. Whatever, I'll give it to him, he's legendary.

The fucking guy had 21 kids who then spawned 90 grandchildren. And you know, I'm gonna fucking call it first. In the future, that's gonna be fucking considered illegal. Like what that guy did is basically, he had his own major fucking oil spill into the ocean but rather than into the ocean, it was on land. You know? His fucking semen was just fucking leaking out, 5,000 gallons a fucking day just like that goddamn crater at the bottom of the ocean.

You think he didn't jizz on a couple of ducks making 21 fucking kids? He did. That guy should be in fucking jail for that. 21 fucking kids. I mean you guys don't work. Can you name 21 people you work with? Can you imagine if that was your fucking kid? 21 kids, he has 90 grandchildren.

There's no, do you understand? He doesn't know the names of all of his grandchildren? Well, maybe he does. But in order to make room for that you'd have to forget half your friend's names. I know the names of 90 people, what the fuck, I probably know the names of 90 professional athletes. I'm really underestimating the power of the human brain, but what the fuck? One fucking guy's dick with two balls, as far as we know, created that fucking ecological

disaster. And you know what I love about Rolling Stone? They actually got in this week's issue where they have Keith Richards on the cover yet again. You gotta love Rolling Stone every fucking three weeks if they're not to have some teeny bopper on there. They're still mining the 60s. The exile on Main Street reissue.

I love this shit where like the original artists were like back in the day were just like, do you want to release this song? No, it sucks compared to the rest of the shit. And then 40 fucking years later when you want to buy another yacht, you start putting out shit that you didn't feel was worthy of releasing when you were at your peak. You know, I don't fucking know that Tupac shit, that Jimi Hendrix shit, the fucking, I don't know, there's very few that I can think of that they actually reissued that were actually worth listening to.

I'll tell you one in recent years this past decade was Led Zeppelin when they came out with that concert film of them at Royal Albert Hall. And you know, all that concert footage, that shit was great. That actually was great stuff, but they also weren't, well I guess Led Zeppelin is repackaged. They act, what the fuck am I talking about? Every two years they, whatever, ten years they do the new digital remaster of whole lot of love. You know what I mean?

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm talking about Rolling Stone. Okay. So getting back to that shit, they actually do a story on this guy who's like, he goes into like war torn countries and he buys up land and he makes deals with basically war criminals or whatever to buy up land because he knows that this unbelievable food crisis is coming. It's fucking scary.

And this guy's out there having 21 goddamn kids who then go on to have 90 fucking grandchildren. And you know, that's the kind of shit that, you know, like that's morning talk show stuff. You know, like nobody would even sit there and talk about how fucking reprehensible that is. I don't know. Look, I think I should get a tax break at my fucking age, all right? I had to be able to drive a full size fucking Hummer with no muffler down the goddamn street, the fact that I have not procreated.

And just basically, you know, right now, I'm basically doing what people related to Hitler are doing. I'm letting my bloodline die off. Have you guys ever heard of that shit? That evidently the relatives of, you know, like his fucking great, great grand nephews or whatever, or whatever the fuck they are, there's evidently like two or three more left. They live in Long Island and they all made a pact not to get married and just let the bloodline die off because they're so afraid that whatever made Hitler so fucked up will

lie. I mean, they're talking like some Omen shit, you know, like you'd be pushing your little baby Hitler on a swing and all of a sudden your nanny's standing on a rooftop, you know, because like subliminally this little fucking kid told him to with his fucked up prepubescent mustache. Yeah, I fucking hate this podcast. I really would erase this thing if I wasn't 35 fucking minutes in. I really would.

I really would, but I can't because I can't go through this fucking shit again. I can't read this stuff. All right. Anyway, you know what? I can't remember what my fucking point was. Look, I think Sandra Bullock did a good thing, okay? Why she did it? I don't fucking know.

Okay, but I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she did a good thing, but just notice anytime anybody does something, even remotely consider it, like how fucked up that makes people around them. At no point did Sandra Bullock go, I did this, you should do this too. Look what a great person I am. Granted, she's holding a fucking kid up like a goddamn bowling trophy on People Magazine. You know what? You're fucking right.

But I kind of relate to her because like when people find out I, when I first bought my Prius, I got a ton of shit from people. What'd you do that for? What do you think? You think you're actually making a difference? You know, like they got all fucking defensive. I'm like, dude, I'm not saying you can't drive with the fuck you drive. I bought it for me.

I fly every other fucking weekend. I put my own hole in the fucking ozone layer. I'm trying to do something, something, you know, to not be a total douche, right? That's all I'm doing here. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong. I'm not saying you can't drive a fucking car with a V8. I don't give a fuck what you do getting your car and get away from me. Fucking asshole.

I don't know. So that's what I have to say about that. I don't know if it made any sense. I don't know. I got no idea. All right. Here we go. Bill Burr.

What do you want to ask me? Ask Bill. Oh, here's one for you. I got it right here. This is the one that's going to pull this fucking podcast out of the goddamn mud. Bill, I'm 21 years old and attend a big 10 university. I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but I think what I lack in that department is made up with high amounts of intelligence and charm.

Wow. You just really sound like a sweaty, fat guy with a lampshade on his head. But I'm not going to judge. That's another fat guy joke. Maybe I do have something with... I don't know. You know what it is? Because I'm constantly in contact with those fucking people.

It's a goddamn epidemic out there. You know? I had the aisle seat and I was back towards the back of the plane today. And you know, the aisle seat's great. Watch out a little bit. When you want to get up and take a leak, you don't have to step over people. There's a lot of fucking advantages to having it. But when you start getting towards the back of the plane and it becomes that moment

where everybody has to go to the bathroom and a line develops, the problem is as these round people are trying to get past each other, there's not enough room. So what ends up happening is one of these douchebags, stomach slash unit ends up on your shoulder as they lean a little bit into your fucking airspace so the other fatty can get by him. This fucking guy was enormous on the goddamn plane.

To the point I felt like heat coming off of him. Do you want to stand like how out of shape that is? It was like, you know, you could, like Earth, the planet fucking Earth, how its core is still on fire. All right. I really didn't want to attack fat people. I know I'm going to lay off. I'm going to lay off for the rest of the podcast.

That's it. That's it. God bless you. I know it's a problem. Oh, yeah. Do the right thing. Have a salad. I got my problems.

Look at me. You know? Whatever. All right. Here we go. Anyways, let me fucking try to get through this. All right. I'm not the best looking guy, but oh boy, can I tell a joke?

I'm not just patting myself on the back there. There is a reason I'm stating it. All right. For the past two years, I've been doing horribly in school. Oh, Jesus. Now I just trash this guy. He's going to fucking kill himself. I've been doing horribly in school dealing with things that are pretty depressing.

But because of this, I've had to come up with clever ways of trying to pass classes in an effort to not get dropped from school. As such, my strategy has been to pick teaching assistants that are females in order to try and charm my way into passing the classes while putting in as little work as possible as I possibly could. Dude, you have a future. I'm going to tell you this right now, son. Don't give up on yourself.

You have a fucking future. If you've figured out a way to pass classes by doing that, charming people while doing little or no work, I'm telling you, there is a corner office waiting for you. So don't give up on yourself. All right. Here we go. What the fuck am I? Little work is possible.

Granted, I am well aware that manipulating slash charming women into giving me good grades is fucked up and not the most practical way of going about doing things. But it fucking works. Hey, dude, they do that to get a free drink out of you. You don't. There's no shame in that. Fight fire with fire. I'm totally with this guy.

However, my lack of foresight is very much evident now as something you probably saw coming happen. I fell hard from my TA, the teaching assistant, this semester. From day one, I was attracted to her. This is a good story so far. How could this go off the rails? Let's continue. And while I do try and charm her every chance I get in an odd way, me being so attracted

to her has fueled my motivation to study and show off the fact that I can easily ace her class. I go every week to her office hours. I go to what? I go every week to her office hours she holds for students, which are about two hours and nobody ever goes. It ends up just being her and me flirting with one another the entire time. However, maybe it's because I'm a male or maybe it's because I'm so attracted to her,

but I didn't notice the huge wedding ring on her finger. Oh, jeez. Here we go, everybody. It's going this way again. A lot of guys out there if I can do it on the wrong turn. All right, but I didn't notice her huge wedding ring on her finger up until about a month ago. I've been in her class now for about four months.

I brought it up to her saying, holy shit, you're married? And her response is what holds my hopes. Okay, before I get into her response, dude, you're full of shit. There's no way for four fucking months you didn't notice her fucking wedding ring. This is you toning down the fact that you knew right out of the gate she was fucking married. She had a huge wedding ring and you didn't notice? Okay, maybe you're young, maybe you don't look, but how do you miss that? And then you said, holy shit, you're married?

That sounds like a great setup line to get the response that you got. So a guy says, holy shit, you're married? Huh? And she goes, and her response is what holds up my hopes in an astonish, almost forgetful way. She replies, oh, yeah. Wow. Okay, dude, you're in. All right, I'm not saying you should do it, but if your question is am I in, you are in.

Since this revelation, I've been continuing to bring up as much as I can about our husband. If nothing else for comparison, all right, this is getting twisted, dude, don't bring up our husband. Just go in. If you're going to banger, just fucking banger, you know? Does he look better in a jacket than I do? Or do I look better? The more I bring it up, though, the more it seems like she regrets getting married at such a young age. She got married at 23, and now she's 25.

This is my predicament. My parents got divorced when I was six because my bald, childish, fat piece of shit father cheated on my mother with her best friend. So I have reservations about dating a married woman. It doesn't sound that horrible while I'm trying to justify... It doesn't sound that horrible while I'm trying to justify attempting to date a married woman. But it's like you said. What is it? 75% of marriages go right down the shitter, right? Now, I have no problem with waiting it out, but I'll ask my question in two forms.

One, what would you suggest doing to try and feel out the likelihood of this marriage lasting? And two, if it's clear that it's not, which with not much prying done on my part is clear to see it won't, what can I do to perhaps bring about the breakup as soon as possible? All right, dude. These are the questions of a 21-year-old. Okay, first of all, you don't date a married woman. All right, you want to banger, go ahead and banger. She actually wants you to banger because she needs some sort of spark to get up her courage to get out of that fucking marriage

that she clearly didn't want to be in. I'm telling you right now, as she was walking down the aisle, her brain was screaming, what the fuck are you doing? She got married at 23. I don't know what her dating experience was before that. Maybe she doesn't know how to get out of it. She seems like someone who does not know how to get out of a relationship. Now, what kind of relationship she has, it doesn't sound like an abusive one.

It sounds like, I don't know, she just got involved in something and then she just got in too deep, didn't know how to get out of it. The dude had met her family. When are you getting married? And she just fucking went down that fucking water slide. She did not get off and now this is her deal. So this is the deal, dude. You're going about this the wrong way.

All right, first of all, you shouldn't fucking do it. All right, you shouldn't do it because you're dealing with a married fucking woman here. There's somebody who wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. All right, and you're delving into that shit. So, you know, and I'll tell you right now, dude, you don't know what this girl's going to do. Okay, she could be using you for the courage, right? Go out and fucking bang you. All right, and a goddamn rainstorm.

Come home like a drowned fucking rat just so he can start the conversation. Be like, honey, where the fuck are you been so she can just flip out and be like, I just fucked one of my students. You know, just so she can just get out whatever how many fucking years she's been sitting on. I don't want to be with you anymore. All right, and I'm telling you, if you if you meet a psycho fucking woman, they have a really bad fucking habit of doing something really fucked up with the person that they're in a relationship with. And then they feel guilty afterwards, so they have to confess.

And then, you know, the guy can't hit the woman. So guess who he's going to come and hit, you know, that you just blew up his fucking life. So you shouldn't fuck this girl. But I'm telling you right now, dude, if you're going to banger, just fucking banger. But you wanting to date a married fucking woman is completely the wrong fucking thing to do. I think I just gave you the green light to go ahead and banger if you want, you know. I mean, I'm not telling you to do that, but I'm telling you, if you're going to choose one or the other, if you got three choices, don't fuck her.

That's what I'm telling you to do. All right, but if you're going to go with if you're going to go to the dark side, there's Darth Vader and there's Darth Vader light here. Okay, and I'm saying to take the less calories of evil here. What you should do is just try to banger. Do not try to date this girl. Okay, this girl isn't ready to date. She doesn't know what the fuck she wants.

She so doesn't know what she wants and she so has an inability to communicate what it is that she wants that she actually married somebody she doesn't want to be married to. She's just sitting there with it screaming inside. I don't want to maybe marry you. I don't want to be married. I don't want to be married at this point in my life. I don't want to have kids. I'm not ready for this.

I want to get the fuck out of here. You know what she needs to do? She needs to break up with this guy and go get an apartment and live by herself for a good year and a half, two fucking years. You know? And not really date anybody for a good six fucking months. Cry this shit out. Go to therapy.

Figure out what's wrong with her. Make a fucking list of what she wants in life. She's got to do shit. She needs to do that kind of work. And you're trying to date this woman, this fucking mess while she's still married. Don't do it. All right? Go charm the shit out of somebody else and try and bang them.

I'm telling you right now, dude, don't fucking do it. Don't do it. All right? That's my advice to you. That's it. That's it. That's all I got to say on that. Don't fucking bang her.

And if you do decide to bang her, I mean, you do decide to get with a do not fucking date her. Okay? And even if I'm telling you, dude, you're going to fucking probably make the wrong decision because you're young. You're probably going to try and date her because you actually got feelings for her. All right? And then what she's going to do is she's just going to use you to get over this other guy

before she dumps you and fucking rips your heart out of your goddamn chest. That's what the, you're going to be roadkill. All right? Fortunately, you haven't banged her yet. You know, all you got is feelings for her. So get out now. Dial it down. Ace her class.

Get on with your fucking life. There's plenty of other fucking teacher's assistants out there that you can bang. All right? But that's, that's not the move to make. Good luck to you. It's your life. You make your decisions. But I'm telling you, over and over again, evidently, I'm going to keep saying the same

thing over and over again. Do not cease and desist. Fuck that. Walk away. Walk. Dude, you don't want that on your resume. You just don't. All right?

All right. Trust me. Okay. Here we go. This story is a little bit long. It was out the close. Oh, Jesus. Here's another one.

Oh, Jesus. This story is a bit long, but in the end of your podcast, but in the end, oh, this is actually an interesting one here. Okay, Bill, this story is a bit long, but in the end, your podcast makes a girl cry. Okay. Somehow my podcast made a girl cry. Okay. Here we go.

I was out with a close friend and his girlfriend and his girlfriend having some drinks and five bottles of wine later, my friend's girl brings up a point about how pro athletes are overpaid. I said, yes, it is dumb to pay someone $8 million to catch a football, but if you think about everything else, it is deserved. First off, millions of people plan their every Sunday around watching these athletes. And since the industry is a goldmine for the owners, the talent gets paid a pretty fair portion.

Secondly, virtually every man in America has played organized sports at some point in their lives. I think it's fair that you are, if you are the absolute best at something that every man has tried to do in their lives, you should get paid. This isn't the high score on that arcade game in your favorite pub. Every man in America has put some quarters in this one. I don't know. I think there was some of that left out or did I just read that bad?

So from that, it quickly turned into an argument about the fact that pro women don't get paid that much. And that's where I bowed out. I stopped and said, oh, you're one of those girls. I'm sorry, but this conversation never goes well. Oh, Jesus, dude, you're totally baiting her for a fight. I love this guy. Okay.

She snapped back and said, no, no, no, no, no, say what you're going to say. No, come on, you brought it up, fucking say it. She didn't say all that, but I know she did. So he goes, honestly, I tried to avoid the issue. No, you didn't. You baited her into it by saying, oh, you're one of those girls. I'm sorry, but this conversation never goes well. Classic.

What do they call that? You fucking, you do the reverse sell. Yeah, you don't want a car like this. The guy actually sells it himself. Oh, there's my dog, Cleo. Come over here. Cleo, what's going on? I just picked her up.

She was staying down at the doggy super eight. Look at you. They gave you a little high top fade, didn't you? Trimmed underneath the belly, huh? What's up, buddy? Got anything to say this week? Little exhale into the microphone. All right.

Here we go. I fucking hate when the dog does that. It's lit my fucking toe. It's weird. It's a creepy fucking moment that should not happen between an animal and a human being. All right. I'm continuing on. Yeah.

So basically you baited this one into a fight, dude. You know you did. I know you did. And I love you for it. I think it's great. I love arguing with women like this too. So anyways, let's continue on and I'm not buying your shit. Honestly, I tried to back out, but she said, say what you're going to say.

So he goes, honestly, I tried to avoid the issue. I did. I will say that I am a bit of a misogynist. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, dude. Okay. I had no idea.

I know what not to get into with feminists, plus she's my friend's girl. Ugh. This is getting ugly and you're drinking. This cannot end well. But she forced me into the argument after she heard me say, after she heard me say to my friend, why am I arguing with a girl about sports? Dude, you're being totally passive aggressive. That's hilarious.

Let me guess. You said it like three feet from her ear. Why am I arguing with a girl about sports? I mean, they don't know shit about sports. You know, how did they just make me a sandwich? And then they fucking, they come back at you and you, and you act like, you know, I tried to avoid it. Okay.

Here we go. So it began. It began. Here's the argument. Uh, she told me, um, I played high school soccer, so I know sports. This made me snap because she was bringing up high school credits to me, which people really don't do around me. People don't do that around me.

I guess for good reason. In high school, I was ranked number one in the state for three different sports ranked nationally in football. I was inducted into the high school football hall of fame at the age of 21, played division one ball on a full scholarship and was projected to go seventh in the draft until I blew me knee out. I got to ask you a question, dude. Blew me knee out.

Are you from like England? Were you playing footy? We talking soccer over there? At this point, I thought you were like, maybe that that guy that fucking running back there that went to Buffalo from Ohio state, um, no, but he did, he did go number one in the first round. Didn't he? When he pretended to talk on his cell phone to a team, but he was really talking to his

agent. The fuck was that guy's name? Anyways, um, I don't, um, Willis McGay, he, all right, continue, Bill. Fine. Um, I don't bring this stuff up ever. So she, uh, she might not have known, but she baited me and I felt like putting her in her place. I was starting to get arrogant, but still making my point.

So you were basically telling her that you would rank number one in three different sports and you would have been seventh in the draft, but you blew out your knee. Dude, I wish I was there to see that. That's a great one. I bet that shut her down. Um, but she baited me and I felt like putting her in a place. I was starting to get arrogant. No, not you, dude, you're down to earth.

Um, but still making my point of why sports are such a money grabber. I said over 60,000 people come out every Saturday to, uh, every, every, over 60,000 people came out every Saturday to watch what me and my friends do athletically. And we weren't even getting paid. She interrupted with, I don't care. Um, then she started talking about women's soccer again. So I interrupted her by saying, I have never played soccer in my life, but I can guarantee you that I am better at it than you are.

Dude, will you, will you like leaning over a table of coronas pointing in her face at this, at this point? And are you much bigger than her, than her fucking boyfriend that he didn't try to step in? Oh God, I wish you fucking made this would have been a great YouTube video. Um, anyways, now what I meant by that was I was probably twice as fast, five times stronger and have enough natural coordination to pick up soccer and be as good, if not better at it than you, because I'm a pretty high level athlete.

What she heard was all men are better at sports than every woman. She got emotional, but her anger held back the tears while I was just trying to figure out, while I was just trying to figure out how the conversation got to this point. Well, if you want to figure out how it got to that point, let's start with your opening line of like, Oh, you're one of those women. Uh, I know enough not to get into argument with the, with the fucking woman like you, you know, come on, dude, you baited her into it. You baited her into it.

You wanted to have the argument because you love yelling at women and I relate. I'm not judging you. Um, you know, it's not like you're on People magazine holding up the woman that you were yelling at because you just adopted her like Sandra Bullock. Look what I did. Awesome. Yay. Um, she got emotional, but her anger will help back on tears while, uh, but, but, uh, finally

my friend stepped in and I settled down. Uh, she just, she got silent for a bit, but she sparked back up when I brought up Ed Hardy shirts, the ones that are so colorful and bedazzled and worn a couple of sizes too small by dudes. Uh, she said, I don't got, I don't get why guys wear stuff like that. Girls don't like it. Girls don't like it. I came back as I came back and said, as before, I agree that the shirts are dumb, but girls

actually do love that shit. Dude, you just love fucking pissing off women. That's what you do. You just arguing with this woman on every fucking point. That's what you're doing. Um, and I think it's fucking hilarious cause I've done this. I am this guy. Did I write this?

Did I get drunk and send myself a fucking email? Guys, she replied with, are you going to tell me that you know more about girls than I do too? Than I do also basically he said, to which I said yes. And he finally admits, I think I was trying to fight at this point. We were on bottle seven of wine. Uh, I said, you obviously know more about what it's like to be a woman. Um, sorry, my screen just went blank.

You obviously know what it's more like to be a woman than me. Yeah, but figuring out what girls want in a man is our job as guys. Since I was 14, I've been studying this shit. I spent more time learning about girls in college than I did about my, about my degree. She made some more dumb points, mostly just angry at me saying, well, I don't like the shirts and I'm, I'm a girl. So there you go. Anyways, uh, you know how when you're drunk, you get better at arguing, but worse at making,

uh, coming up with solid points. I couldn't think of how to explain this to her, but a classic bill bill Burr line came into my head. I told her, you don't get it. Men literally have to develop a skill to get women to like them. Uh, and then he writes, which is a great line by the way, but I may have taken it too far. And he goes on to say it's not love at first sight and all that soulmate shit. Women have to purposely take steps to get you separate, like to separate yourself from

the crowd. The feelings part, the feelings part might be out of your, our hands, but to set up those things isn't easy unless you're wearing some sparkly shirt. Most of my closest friends wear those shirts and trust me, it works. I'm not saying you're stupid. I may, I may have said that part a little sarcastically, of course you were, um, but let's pretend that me and my friends have only, let's pretend that me and my friends have only slept with 50 girls each.

That means I personally witnessed why over 300 girls have slept with guys, plus add up all the times we all stuck, we all struck out and why I think I'm pretty experienced in knowing what girls like, um, how many girls have, have you convinced to fuck you? Um, this is when she cried. What I didn't know was she used to be a lesbian. She quit being a lesbian to be with my friend and she is sensitive about it. Yeah. I think she would be sensitive about it considering you can't quit being a lesbian.

You either are one or you aren't one. Yeah. You know, I kind of blew a couple of guys, but I quit. Yeah. I didn't like it. Made me paranoid. Went back to vet, Chinese, um, anyways, he said I became the, I've, at that point I became the asshole.

I left the bar thinking two things, one, why did half the shit I said come out with a Boston fucking accent? And after realizing this, uh, after realizing the reason why I thought, fuck, I got to stop listening to the goddamn podcast. Can you believe this fucking guy? I mean, there must have been 22 off ramps he could have taken as that thing developed into a major fight and he chose to stay on the highway. And then in the end he comes around and he tries to fucking blame me.

Dude, the reason why you listen to this podcast is because you're just like me, not because I've created a me inside of you. All right. The fuck dude. Come on. Admit it. You like doing it. I like doing it.

I love when women go in there and they make some stupid fucking statement. I love at that point, I love trash in them because so many guys just stand there and they just sit there and agree and they let them say stupid fucking things with no points behind it because they're still in that adolescent, keep it happy, maybe it'll fuck me. And it gets annoying and you just sit there and you watch one guy after another getting played for free fucking drinks, you know, carrying shit for them, helping them to move and it makes you fucking annoyed after a while, makes you annoyed. And then what you do is you get involved in shit like that and you absolutely bury

them. Let me ask you this dude, how many times have you fucking standing up pointing at her? Huh? Be honest. You know, you even alluded to it yourself where you're just sitting there going like maybe I said that a little sarcastically, of course you did, of course you did. You know, whatever dude, you know, you fucking, you got issues with women, so do I. Fucking join the goddamn club, but don't blame me.

Don't fucking blame me. Go find out where the meeting is and then tell me where I can go. We'll be like a couple of guys with drinking problems. So if you find out, I don't even think what you did was that bad. And I don't think it justifies fucking crying either. I think that whole thing is annoying. You know what, I'm gonna stop this podcast here because it's already been over a fucking hour and I know by the end of this I'm gonna end up agreeing with this fucking guy, which

I don't want to do because this guy is me, I'd say about 18 months ago. I've actually made some strides. Haven't I, Cleo? Right? I got a female dog, didn't I? I got a bitch laying at my feet. All right, whatever. There you go.

Another Jet Leg podcast, everybody. Congratulations to the Philadelphia Flyers. I'm fucking pulling for you guys. It'd be great to see you guys win a championship or even the fucking Eastern Conference Finals. God knows you'd be. You'd be more better behaved than those assholes up in Montreal who burn down their fucking city every time they win. And then they look down on us because we're fat fucks.

At least we don't light shit on fire, you fucking pyromaniacs. Granted, we don't because so many of us are so flammable because of all that fucking lard we have inside of us. I'm gonna end with that. I'm gonna end with a fat joke. How do you like that? People get hurt this week. All right.

That's the podcast. God bless all of you. I'll talk to you next week. Thanks, guys. That was a good one. I'll see you guys next week. 01:49:31,080 --> 01:49:33,080 I'll see you guys next week.

I'll see you guys next week. I'll see you guys next week. I'll see you guys next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye.