Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-18-17

Episode Date: May 19, 2017

Bill rambles about animals, Kelly Olynyk and Chris Cornell.

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Just checking in on you. However the fuck I used to do it. How are you? I am in Winnipeg, Canada. I didn't bring all my recording equipment so I gotta figure the level here that I can talk close to this thing without fucking up yours. I'm in Winnipeg, Canada and guess what? It's still cold. It's May 18th and it's like 42 degrees out, which is, it's annoying. Why does it keep making that noise? I'm not getting any closer to it. Oh, it's the wind. Ah, I see. Keep it steady.

If I just rest it on my chest, will that work? How's that? Okay, good. Anyways, it's like 43 fucking degrees out, you know, which isn't cold for the winter time, but for May, it's fucking annoying. You know, and I didn't dress properly. I came up here with a wind fucking breaker. And, you know, just walking around having to zip up my goddamn coats annoying. Oh, Bill, fuck you. Everything annoys you. Well, maybe you're right. Maybe it does. Maybe it does. I don't know where I'm just gonna hold this fucking recorder. I'll tell you, you know what's fucking overrated, by the way? Breakfast potatoes.

Breakfast potatoes, coleslaw, beans and rice. All right? All of them. Just taking up a fucking chair on the bench that someone else who wants to get in the fucking game could be, you know, you just... dump all, like, just rebuild, start over again, like the fucking capitals. You know? Plate fillers. That's all it is. Fuck breakfast potatoes. They never taste good, and they just make you fat. And you feel like you gotta eat them, because your mother was always like, well, if you don't fucking finish that, you're gonna sit there until the morning, and you just sat there, right? Watching the ketchup dry, turning that... it actually starts, you know, coagulating. Is that the right word? Anyways, I don't understand why this fucking recorder is gonna have to be like this.

Making all this racket. So I'm trying to be a grump here. So I'm in Winnipeg tonight for two shows. And then I go up to Saskatoon. Saskatchewan. Saskatchewan, right? Also known as the Paris of the Prairies, which to me is the greatest fucking nickname of a city. What do you get? The Big Apple? That stinks. Beantown? Horrific. The Berg? Terrible. Does LA even have a nickname? Trying to think of the elements.

The Land Cleveland? Ugh. That whole fucking thing where all of a sudden every goddamn city needed... I know I always talk about this, but I'll never get over that. The Ophelo? Is that what they call Buffalo? The Paris of the Prairies. How great is that? You know what I mean? See, you're going out there, it's the Prairies. It's gonna be a little mom-and-pop type of shit, but it's gonna be beautiful. Going there, and then we go down to Regina afterwards, which I believe... What's that nickname? Twat City? Is that what it is? Something like that. Is that the Golden State Warriors? I don't know. Speaking of which, the only way you can root for the Golden State Warriors is if you bet on them, or if you're from the Golden State Oakland area, and you're already a fan.

Jesus Christ, it was already bad enough Durant piled on there and killed the OKC Golden State rivalry, which is what we'll be watching right now. Instead, you're literally listening to announcers, like last time when the Celtics were playing, Reggie Miller's like going... Because they're trying to sell the series going like, oh, you know, they only lost like 10? I mean, some of that was garbage time points. And Reggie Miller goes, look, we both know there's two meteors heading at one another, and we're just gonna watch him collide. So I'm trying to do the last time I watched the Eastern and Western Conference Finals, and they felt like the first round of the playoffs. Fucking Warriors. Oh my God, they're filthy. Filthy. I love Popovich going off on that fucking goof. How many slide steps did he fucking take to make sure his foot was gonna be in the vicinity of where Leonard was gonna land? And for somebody out there who doesn't think that that's filthy, give me a fucking break. Give me a break. He's taking a shot, you know?

Why did he have to take that last little slide step? Skip, skip, skip, and then just have his fucking foot right there? And be one thing if they couldn't do like an entire highlight reel of him not only being a dirty bastard, but actually trying to fucking... Whatever, Pop, what's his face? Is Leonard's shoulder out or what the hell he was doing that time when he dragged him down to the ground? He's a piece of shit. The only thing worse than that fucking move that he made was that awful little, that three-skip and a hop thing that he did afterwards as he was holding onto his head like he couldn't fucking believe it. Listen, what the fuck do I know about Hoop? And I know Popovich knows a lot about Hoop, and I know he's gone through a lot of shit, and he's gone through a lot of playoff series. I never seen him go off like that, so I'm gonna go with what he said as opposed to when I was watching ESPN and the fucking sports anchor goes to Stephen A. Spitz. Hey Stephen, you know, we've both played the game. What do you think? And this fucking anchor's sitting there, you know, he's gonna question Popovich.

And Stephen A. Smith, who I love, was just like, he basically said what I'm saying, with Popovich says it's true, then yeah, you kind of got to go with that. But the biggest fucking story in Hoop, it already came and went because the fucking Cavalier series with the Celtics already started, and they fucking kicked our ass, was Io, a certain member of the Boston Celtics, a big apology, all of this time doubting him, you know, making fun of his choice of sneakers, making fun of the way he looked in those sneakers. Talking about how many times he was on the wrong side of the poster. Kelly, oh fucking Linux. What happened? The man simply took over the game in a fourth quarter of a game seven for the Boston Celtics, wearing the green and white shades of Cedric Maxwell. One game, he said, just get on my back, because I'm fucking taking this thing home, and that's exactly what he did. The guy scored 14 points in the fourth quarter. He took Isaiah's Thomas' watch off and put it on his own fucking wrist, and up and down the court he went, he was backing guys down, he was fucking dunking, he was layups, he was hitting trees.

It was unfucking believable. Now, having said that, he did it once. So, game one of the Cavalier series, he was right back to the Kelly, oh Linux that we knew, you know, I think that was a very special episode. You know, how they used to do that with sitcoms, a very special episode, they would always take on like pregnancy, abortion, racism or something like that, and then they would go right back to being an all white show. You know, that's how white people cared in the 80s, that's how we did it. We didn't have to do any more than that. That's all that there was. So whatever, Kelly, oh Linux, Jesus Christ, so I guess he's not going to do shit in this series until unless we get it to game seven. Celtics got the number one pick. I mean, it's just all, that's all we got, all we got to do now is just wait until LeBron gets old.

And I actually hate the fucking Warriors so much that I don't care if they, if the fucking Cavaliers sweep the Celtics, because I want them nice and rested when they play those fucking dirtbags out there. There's that other guy they got on the team where you go to guard him and he jumps up to take a jump shot and he accidentally kicks you in the balls. He's kicked like half the league in the balls. I'm going to buy half the league. I mean like three or four different guys. After a while it's like, dude, that's your move. I love how ESPN went to him to ask him if they thought that fucking Nazi guardhouse fucking guy they got there. You know, ask him if he thought he was dirty. The guy who accidentally kicks people in the balls. Do you think his teammates dirty? Well, what would you rather have? Would you have a twisted ankle?

Or have you fucking balls separated for the next nine years? Anyways, I don't know why, I don't know why Chris Paul couldn't go to the Lakers, but Kevin Durant could go to the fucking the Warriors. And now that the Warriors are filthy as shit, they took Leonard out of the series. It's just, it's a joke. I would rather watch the Real Housewives than the Western Conference Finals than the NBA. So anyways, enough about that shit. Type in my password here. Dude, what the fuck's going on with the Ottawa Senators? When are they going to start behaving like the Ottawa Senators? I don't get what's going on here. You know, I still think the Penguins are going to beat them. Every time like the Penguins get the fucking shit kicked out of them, then what happens?

They come back, they give you the O right there, Fred, and they fucking win the series. I still think that they're going to take the whole thing. Now here's something I wanted to talk to you guys about. I just flew up here to fucking Winnipeg, and I don't know what happened, but the fucking level of animal that was on my flight. Dude, this guy next to me, you know, I told you, I've right up front. I don't even call it first class, it's just human class. They treat you like a human being. That's all that happens up front if you ever wanted. They don't smash you all in the back and all that shit, right? So I'm waiting to get on, right? So they have people with wheelchairs, they get on first and, you know, fucking people with kids,

if you're in the military, you know, if you're wearing a red shirt, they got like a bunch of things, right? So people who are sitting in first class, they get all huffy, going, when's first class going to board, right? You know, that white guy with the loafers and no socks, like that fucking energy, right? So we're going to get on in this fucking fat fuck, you know, in his twenties, just completely blown out body, big, giant, fat boys, I'm a Hollywood producer, fucking glass, a stupid hat, wearing sweatpants and some big, comfy fucking shirt, you know, just giving into the fact, that's why he's fat. All these fat people that wear comfortable clothes, you're going to be fat forever, because you're, because you're never, you're not uncomfortable. You got to keep the clothes that you had when you were that weight. You don't go to the fucking dry cleaner or go to the goddamn Nike store and buy yourself a giant fucking sleeping bag with drawstrings on it,

because you're never going to really feel how fat you are until you go to get on a fucking airplane, right? So this guy's trying to cut the fucking line, right? And, you know, I sort of box him out and they scan my thing and I go to get on the flight and this fucking fat fuck comes down the thing and he literally, he gets on the plane, he goes, where am I sitting up front? Like really like, like weird, like you can't just look at the lady like looks at the ticket and he's fucking sitting right next to me. So I'm putting my shit in the overhead compartment. He just goes, excuse me, he fucking goes to brush right by me. I said, hey buddy, I go watch out for my bag. He's like, oh, sorry. He kind of backed back out again. You know, he wasn't going to hit my bag. I just didn't like how he fucking brushed right by me, right?

So he sits down, right? This giant fucking snowman looking douchebag, right? Sits down and he's so fat. I mean, first class, he's still spilling into my seat, fucking elbowing me and all that type of shit. That's just like, this is not what I'm spending my sky miles on, you know? So the lady, the stewardess comes over, she goes, you know, can I get you guys something to drink, right? I order a drink and the guy goes, can I have a blanket? She goes, yeah. So when she comes out with the blanket, she holds it out to him. He just fucking rips it out of her hand and like opened it up. Just the way he was so choppy and like aggressive yet couldn't find his seat.

I was like, this guy, I don't know what this is. I don't know what the fuck this is. This guy on drugs, is he autistic? Is it Asperger? I don't fucking know because I don't really know what the symptoms of any of that shit is. You know, I saw the Rain Man and, you know, I don't know what else. I fucking went on a podcast one time with somebody at Asperger. I can't fucking tell. I just don't know that they act a little off. Alright, and I'm not going to be yet another douchebag who doesn't have a psychology degree, let alone practicing in that profession to start analyzing somebody's mental situation. So then he fucking sits there, okay?

And he rips the blanket open because somehow this tub of shit is going to get fucking cold. And he starts doing the, what's that thing, the restless leg syndrome. Except his leg weighs as much as my entire body, so it's like actually shaking the plane. And fortunately it was a red eye. Oh my god, you know, let this fucking guy just go to sleep. But then is he going to have sleep apnea? I don't know what. Long story short, we finally ended up, I connected in Minneapolis, okay? And when I got up, I deliberately stood in a way where he couldn't get out of his seat because I knew he was going to brush by me once again and be fucking rude, whatever fuck his deal is.

So I passive aggressively stand there. So I get off the plane, I'm like great, I don't have to fucking deal with this guy anymore, right? So I get off the plane and as I'm standing there trying to figure out where my connecting flight gate is, this fucking jerk off comes walking off the plane and he's still wearing the blanket. He's got it wrapped around him. Oh, by the way, he was also, of course, wearing sandals, you know, like all animals do. They just, they have to have their feet out, you know, like animals. Animals are all barefoot. They don't have shoes, right? So these guys have sandals because they're half an animal.

You know what I mean? If you're in a hot climate or you're fucking at the beach or whatever, going down to the pool, the spa, that's sandals. Anyways, so he comes walking off the plane and then just walks up to the, you know, those little fucking cars that they drive fat people around and old people, blind people and stuff, you know? And he walks up to one of those guys and goes, excuse me, sir. He goes, what do I do for the next five hours while I wait for my flight? And that's how I was like, all right, this guy's, this guy's fucked up. The guy's like, ah, it's a food court. So then he walks up to the ticket lady.

Now I'm just standing there watching him because I got enough time because now it's entertaining. Watching him meet people and watching them doing the math on their face, you know? You see it on their face like, what the fuck am I dealing with? So he talks to the ticket agent, freaks her out, then comes walking back and he walks up to the car and he just goes, he goes, sir, where are you taking me? And he pops psychologist. The guy finally just goes, there's a food court down there and he just wandered off still wearing the blanket. Now my buddy that I'm working with this week, he was trying to say that he thought the guy was on pills. I have no idea what the fuck it was, but it was hilarious.

But anyways, the level of fucking animal. So that guy was there. There was another guy on my flight. He was wearing pajama bottoms and he had a neck pillow. I mean, I don't even know where to go from there. There was another guy who had the worst hat I've ever seen and he was carrying a hard shell case for the hat. You know what I mean? That was his good hat.

He was wearing his bad hat on the flight. I don't know. It's like, what are you running for president in 1905 and some shit? You're riding on a goddamn... Who has a fucking hat box? What kind of a man has a hat box? It was a solid plastic one, like a snare drum case, but it was for a fucking hat. So for whatever reason, I get here to the hotel and I'm reading about this plane crash.

Air Canada Flight 624. They say the timeline of the crash, right? 1005, the plane leaves. 1056, Air Canada tells flight crew that an Air Canada flight had landed on Halifax runway 05 after a missed approach due to insufficient visibility because of weather conditions. The controller tells the crew to hold at 9,000 feet, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? The fucking crew asked to confirm that the lights are on, setting five. The controller says they're on four. They'll eventually be on five.

They remain on four. Long story short, this fucking guy flying this thing, he ends up hitting like a snow bank, some lights. He's fucking hitting shit off the plane. They go slide down the runway and they come to a stop. This aircraft comes to a rest about 1,900 feet beyond the threshold. Okay. This is like how scary this was. Captain disconnects the autopilot and plane makes automated calls.

They are 100 and then 50 feet above the land. Copilot says to pull up. The AC, the Air Canada 624 severs an electric power line, cutting power to the airport terminal. Captain advances thrust levers to the takeoff, go around and pulls side stick to the full nose-up position. A left main tire hits an approach light, 861 feet from the runway threshold. The main landing gear after lower fuselage and left engine cowling strike the snow-covered ground on an embankment sloping towards the runway. The plane strikes the localizer antenna and continues airborne before striking the ground twice more and sliding along the runway. This is what people are dealing with.

You guys ever see a Louis CK episode where they were coming in for a landing and everyone was screaming bloody murder? That's what I picture. And I picture Louis on this flight for whatever reason. Aircraft comes to arrest 1900 feet beyond the threshold. It is completely lost power. Tower control activates crash alarm as passengers complete evacuation. Firefighters arrive at the accident site. Now listen to this.

Listen to this. This is at 1236 when the firefighters show up. This is what they see when the passengers are out on the runway. Now this is a fucking snowstorm that they flew into. Passengers, many wearing open-toed shoes, shorts and t-shirts and carrying baggages. Baggage are grouped about 200 meters behind the aircraft in frigid temperatures. Occupants with more severe injuries sit in the emergency vehicles. I mean, what kind of a fucking asshole gets on a goddamn flight in the middle of a snowstorm wearing open-toed fucking shoes, sandals, shorts?

You know, next time I get on a flight and I see those people getting on, all I'm going to be thinking is when we go down in the fucking Himalayas, these are going to be the first people to get eaten. You know, or they're going to be the first people that you're going to have to kill because they're going to be fighting you for your fucking shoes. I don't even know what the point of all of that was. All I'm just saying is just the level of animal that is at the fucking airport. And you know what's funny too, like, is just the way when you're walking through an airport, you can't really see, you don't really see it, you know? Like, the demographic that you're in, you don't see it until you get to your gate. Like, I didn't get the level of animal that was going to fucking Winnipeg until I got to the gate that was flying to Winnipeg. Because it's like, you know what I mean? It's like a mixed drink. You can't taste the fucking alcohol, right?

But then when you get to the gate, when you get to your gate, wherever the fuck you're going, barring a few tourists who are just going to visit, that is a straight shot of what the fuck you're about ready to walk into. Pajama bottoms with a neck pillow. It's like whenever I'm in New York and I'm going to LA, it's like you look at the airport, it's like these people all look like New Yorkers. And then all of a sudden you get to the gate that's going to LA and you see the chick with the Botox, you know? You see the guy with the fake tan, you start seeing the God of your way of dressing. It's like, alright, these are LA people, you know? And then all of a sudden when you get off in LA, they totally blend in with people at the fucking airport. I don't know. I always found that interesting.

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M-V-M-T dot com slash burr. Join the goddamn movement. Like I said, I hate doing fucking podcast on days that I travel. What am I up to here? All right, let's talk about it, everybody. Rest in peace, Chris Cornell. Holy shit. Unbelievable, man.

Unbelievable. It's one of the best fucking singers in rock history. And I hope what they're saying, I mean, I guess if you die, you die, but I just, I don't know. I hope they're not going to do a whole bunch of, you know, you know, they do that. They got to kill you again after you die. Jesus Christ. What a fucking band. What an artist. Just their music just holds up.

You know what I mean? There's a lot of music that I listened to when I went back, you know, and the shit that I used to listen to as a kid. I was like, oh my God, this is horrible. This is like embarrassing. I still listen to it because of the, you know, it reminds me of a time in my life. But when I come up to the red light, I got to turn it down. Nothing Chris Cornell ever did. Did you have to turn down?

You could, you could fucking have it cranked and never be embarrassed. Such a huge, huge fucking loss. And once again, someone I should have gone to see never did too busy doing this comedy fucking thing. I was going to go see Temple of the Dog and I had some other show I couldn't go. I think Dean Delray had tickets to that. He was like, dude, it was fucking unbelievable. And it's just fucking awful. Just awful.

I was a huge fan of that band. And so now what happens? I know they're in the middle of a tour. You know, you know what they do now is they just find some fucking guy on the internet that does like an impression of him. And then all of a sudden the guy has to fucking go up there and be like a rock star. Like I've never seen a band like that. I've never gone to see a band like that. Although I heard the guy from Allison Chains fucking murders it.

So who knows? I don't know. How do you get out of this? See, that's why I fucking hate talking about sad shit like that. I saw a fucking way out of this and now I don't know what the fuck it is. So anyways, plowing ahead, fucking plowing ahead here. Oh, I know what I was going to say. You know what?

I went back and I downloaded Skid Rose Slave to the Grind. And that album, that album marked the end of my musical youth. That album came out in like the summer of like 91. And then in September fucking, you know, all of a sudden Nirvana's album came out and then that was just it. All of my bands got wiped the fuck off at MTV, you know? And so I went back and I downloaded Slave to the Grind, Monkey Business and all that, which then made me go watch, you know, a bunch of Skid Row fucking videos. And there's a video, man.

You got to see this shit. It's from 1991, I believe, 91 or 92. It's Skid Row on SNL and Sebastian Bach in the whole band just fucking murdering Monkey Business. And I don't know, man. To me, that was like the, for me, I just feel like I'm doing it now. I've said it so much that I actually say for me now. I say for me and to me because I keep doing it. It's like when I met me and me, I used to make fun of this guy.

He said, yeah, you liked it. That you liked it at that. And I still, I kept and we just kept doing it to each other. And I was in a meeting one time pitching a show and I was talking about a comic that I liked. And I said, yeah, I saw a special. Yeah, I liked it at that. And I went, oh my God. And it was actually liked it.

And we started going, liked it at it to make it even more ridiculous. And I literally said, liked it at it. And I saw the person's face like, look at me like, like, does he have a stutter? I can't put this guy in a fucking camera. Anyways. So I'm watching this fucking video and it was the end of like aggressive, fun fucking bands. Like they were just fucking killing it. Just it, they were like rock stars and they were enjoying it before the grunge came in and everybody's like, I wish I was like you easily amused.

I always hated that fucking line. I said, you don't fucking know me. You condescending cunt. I'm not easily amused. I don't find what the fuck you're trying to suggest about me even remotely amusing. Can somebody please make a video of that? Kurt Cobain singing that line and then you cut to Joe Pesci. So what?

I'm like a clown. I like, I amuse you. Anyways, yeah. And then all the sad guys came in. Kurt Cobain fucking. Who's the Pearl Jam guy? Eddie Vedder. That fucking interview that Kurt Loder does with them.

And he's literally like, he looks like Superman sitting next to fucking Kryptonite. Like that's how much he's like folded over himself. Like he didn't want to answer any of the questions. Like he was literally having a physical reaction to somebody asking him questions like, Hey man, you're selling a bunch of albums. That's got to feel good. Right. And he was like, I don't even know how to fucking, you know what I mean? All of a sudden he had like the fucking posture of Fiona Apple.

They were a bunch of fragile people, but in the middle of all of that, in the middle of all of that was fucking Chris Cornell still belt it out like a fucking, I don't know, my version of what a rock star is. Didn't go out there wearing a granny sweater, trying to act like he was somebody in the crowd. It's like, no, you're better than me. Be better than me. I don't want to see me up there. Do you fucking God? I don't know. I just thought Chris Cornell had the goods when it came to that.

And it made me go, I don't know. I just been listening to a lot of music right around that, that era. And I've always known I make fun of Nirvana. I know they're a great band and shit. I know they are. It's just fun. They're fun to make fun of because everyone's always like, and then when that album came out, I knew that music as I knew it had now changed, which is complete horseshit. There was a few people that knew it.

Most of us didn't like, who's this new band? And then all of a sudden there was this other new band. And then it was just like all of a sudden MTV decided that they were going to just like this was the new shit. And they just started spooning it into our mouths and we fucking ate it. I mean, that's basically what happened. I was more than willing to watch all those same bands I had been listening to keep, continue to put out albums. I didn't have a fucking problem. You know what it was?

MTV was done with me. And that was the first time I really felt old. I was 23 years old and I was just like, yeah, that's they, they don't, I'm done as far in their head. I'm already married with two fucking kids and they can't squeeze a dime out of my pockets. So fuck this guy. Right. And then it was smashing pumpkins. You know, I don't know, but Soundgarden was always one where I didn't have to make the leap of like, okay, this is this new shit.

It kind of sounds a little different. Like I absolutely fucking love that band and love all the odd time stuff. I love all of that shit. And it's just a fucking shame. It's a fucking shame. But you know something, if you want to watch something uplifting, I'm going to post Skid Row with Sebastian Bach. Absolutely fucking murdering monkey business. And I love two in the end when he after he just fucking destroys one of the greatest live voices underrated of all fucking time.

Then he was like funny in the end. After like doing those high fucking heavy metal screams all the way down to the growl. And then in the end, he's just like, oh, thank you very much. Thank you. He's just like this weird voice. That was awesome. So anyways, rest in peace, Chris Cornell. I don't know what else to say.

I'm so fucking sick of having to say that, but I guess that's a part of getting old, which is something I have to actually talk to you about that. Talk to you guys about that, you know, like that thing where you just want to be, I don't live to be a hundred. It's like part of living to be a hundred is you're going to bury all your friends, you know. And if you really start looking at your friends and if you're remotely taking care of yourself, you know which ones are going to go. I hate to say it, but you do that fucking guy eating the burgers and the fries and the fucking just putting on another 10 every year. Every year, the Christmas sweater gets a little bit bigger, right? Until next day, you're wandering around, ordering people around, wearing the fucking airplane blanket through the fucking terminal area. Yeah, like that guy, that guy I saw, that guy's not going to be around long.

It's not going to be around long. You know what I mean? I think that restless leg syndrome that he had going on, that was his heart screaming for help. You know, I've given him enough chest pains. He's not listening to me. Can somebody for the love of God slap the fucking Twinkie out of this guy's mouth? Oh, Jesus, Bill, why did he got to be me? All right, so anyways, I got Winnipeg tonight, then Saskatoon, the Paris of the Prairies, and then I got fucking Regina.

And I would not do one vagina joke. I did one in the podcast just because, you know, you got to do one. Twat City. You have Rip City, you got the Twin City, and you got Twat City. And that's it. So now, this is going to be some nerdy shit. This isn't even the podcast right now. Here we go.

Hang on one second. Let me get a fucking map of Canada. Map of Canada. Oh, did I ever give the Edmonton fans a shout out for singing the National Anthem? Oh, come on. Why does it always go to Wikipedia now? I don't need to know what a map of Canada is. I need to fucking see one.

Map of Canada. Our home and native land. True patriot love. All our sons command. All right. There we go. Visit page. Now I got to go to the page.

And now I got to try to make the fucking map bigger. I want to see a map of Canada. Is this it? All right, yeah. I have been to, with this fucking trip, as far as the southern portion, I think I've been to every major city. I got Vancouver, Calgary Edmonton, Saskatoon, Regina, Winnipeg, Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal. Then I've been to like Moncton.

I went to the Maritimes. I came in with a fuck I went. Something in Nova Scotia, something in New Brunswick. I know I went to New Brunswick, maybe not Nova Scotia. I don't know. I've been to fucking Hammertown. I've been to London, Ontario. I mean, I think Yellowknife is next.

That's where I got to go next. I'll start in Alaska. I'll do something in the Yukon territory. What the fuck's the name of that place up there? I can't see. It's all blurry. It's just a white snake. Is that where the band's from?

I don't know. I'll put it together, but I'm knocking this out, man. This is the last province that I needed to go on the southern hemisphere. What the fuck is it called? Saskatchewan, yeah. I had Saskatoon in my head. All right. That was complete filler.

I don't know why I just did that. That was your breakfast potatoes here on the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. All right. We're going to play a little music here. Obviously, we're going to do some sound garden, and then you can listen to another half hour of some greatest hits from a Thursday, gone by in another time or a podcast on Monday. I don't know what the fuck it is.

All right. That's it. You guys have a great weekend. You cunts, and I will talk to you on Monday. And once again, rest in peace to the great Chris Cornell. All right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Hey, what's up, Bill Burr?

It's the Monday morning podcast. Hey, what's going on? This is Bill Burr, the Monday morning podcast. And this is the third attempt at trying to be even remotely amusing on this thing. Just like the sixth time I've tried to start doing this podcast. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr doing the Monday morning podcast. I do one of these every goddamn week, every week, every Monday, and let this Christmas

with some shit. And I want to take this day off. All right. And I work for myself. Why decide? What's up? It's Bill Burr. Yeah.

Hey, what's going on? This is Bill Burr. What's going on? It's Bill Burr. Yeah. Isn't that exciting? Every Monday I do a fucking podcast. All right.

What do you want from me? You know? Hey, what's going on? This is Bill Burr. And this is not the Monday morning podcast. Hey, what's up, man? It's Bill Burr. And it is the Monday morning podcast.

And I'm going to be multi-tasking this week. Hey, what's going on? It is Bill Burr. And this is the Monday morning podcast. Welcome. Welcome if you're new to it. I do one of these every single Monday. I answer questions.

People email me questions. That fucking answer. People send me in their underrated, overrated lists. Things that they feel are underrated. Things that they feel are overrated. Hey, what's going on? This is Bill Burr. And this is the Monday morning podcast.

This is the official one. You see, you see, that's what I was trying to do last week. That's what I was trying to do. I was trying to slip in the MP3 of the week there. That's what I was trying to do there. Did you enjoy it? Was it a little bit long? Did my edits suck?

I'm sure it did. And I'm sure I'll get emails from people, because that's what the web is really all about. It's not about connecting with other people. It's about having the ability to tell somebody that they fucking suck when they're just sitting there in their underwear, eating a bowl of fucking wheat checks. You know, that's how my day starts.

Every fucking day, every day, I get up and, I take my dog for a walk now, which is fucking awesome. I do that. But then, wait a minute, I probably do go on MySpace first. That's how pathetic I am. That's how pathetic I am. I will literally get on MySpace and I check out a couple emails, a couple comments on whatever, shows I've done,

something you saw me on, some fucking picture I put up, and there's always somebody breaking my balls over there. And that's what the internet is. It's a bunch of punks being able to heckle people without being able to get trashed back, you know? But I'm guilty of it too, so what the fuck am I gonna do? All right, it's Bill Burr. It's the Monday Morning Podcast.

If you didn't know that from the beginning, the opening there, that's a new thing I'm gonna try to be doing is MP3 of the week. I don't know if I'm gonna do it every week, because I really, you know, I already deal with all the questions you guys send me, which really clogs up my email folders. But, you know, every once in a while, if you've got a cool idea, send it in. If it's something I can use on the podcast, I'll definitely do it.

But I gotta admit, I'm kind of nervous about getting a fucking virus, you know? Listening to all that audio, you know? You're not supposed to open shit, so I don't wanna do that, you know? So I don't even know what I just fucking told you there. And I'm sure there's people out there right now, oh, you're worried about getting the virus open in an audio, but not somebody's email? Are you that fucking stupid?

That's another thing I like about the internet, is when you just ask people for fucking help, that nobody can, you know, some people can help you out, but so many people on the internet, their way of helping you out is to give you information while calling you a fucking moron, which is why this week, on the Monday morning podcast, if you are fans of this, you know that I have douchebag of the week,

but there were so many douchebags this week, I almost have to, I almost was like, cunt of the week. I almost had to bump it up, you know what I mean? But I stopped short of that, out of respect for some of the female listeners out there, so I'm going with douchebags of the week. That's plural, alright? This is it. It's the last week, if you listened, I did get a dog, and I've never had a dog before,

and I was having issues, because whatever. Listen to last week's podcast, I don't have time to fucking get into it, but we had a specialist come over here to find out what the dog's problem was, and evidently it has separation anxiety, because it's a perfect fucking dog, it doesn't lunge after other dogs, doesn't go lunge after people. It's fucking mellow, it just chills out, but if you leave it alone, it like freaks, you know?

Or if it anticipates that you're leaving it alone, it starts like shaking uncontrollably, and it starts drooling, which are all signs, I guess, of this separation anxiety, so evidently it's this four-week fucking process that I have to go through, but I totally love the dog now, so I don't give a fuck. I literally cancel gigs to make sure this dog is cool, and it's a long story. If you want to know what you've got to do is basically,

what I've learned is there's certain triggers that the dog has that sets it off to freaking out, like you're grabbing your keys, and here's the sound of your keys, or maybe you turn the shower on, or your girlfriend starts blow-drying her hair, or whatever, just things like that, starts looking at you, and then you put your shoes on, you put your coat on, and all it associates that shit with is, oh fuck, being abandoned again,

and you know, I don't fucking know, I don't write the books, I don't have the ability to actually know what a dog's thinking, but I'm imagining, considering that this dog was just left by the LA River, can you believe that? Someone didn't even bring it to the shelter, they just opened their car door or whatever, and just left it out there, you know, like I don't know what the fuck it ate, kills me, kills me every time I think that someone would do that,

but so I guess that that's where this dog's mind goes mentally, so we have to fucking decondition, you gotta figure out what the very first trigger is, and then you work your way through all of them, and you just do one trigger, like pick up your keys, sort of walk around with them as you're giving it this food, I just read the fucking book, it's a long goddamn process, but I'm gonna work through it,

so that's basically what you're supposed to do in a nutshell, you know what I mean, you ever just read something on the internet, and then you try to fucking talk about it like you know what you're talking about, that's what that last couple of minutes was, but it's, you know, I'm fucking, I'm learning about this stuff, and I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna do what I gotta do, but basically I have been held captive with this dog, and I've been with this fucking dog for the last five days in a row,

other than when I go out to do sets, but then my girl's here, and we just make sure we don't leave it alone, so it doesn't freak out as we learn how to diffuse its problem, okay? So, last week I was asking people if they have any ideas, because I went to put the thing in a cage, which was a stupid fucking thing to do, I just didn't, I was ignorant, I didn't know, I didn't know what the dog's problem was,

I didn't know how to introduce a cage to a dog, it's gone through the stuff that my dog's gone through, so, you know, I made a rookie mistake, so I was reaching out to my podcast listeners, and these are some of the emails I got. Bill, I've always been in a household with dogs since I was born, and I've never had any of those fucking small female dogs, like a Chihuahua, I mean, I had big male dogs,

German shepherds, Husky, labs, that type of stuff, and one of my dogs has broken out of his cage before, however, you must not know how to train a dog, because mine never fucked up the house, even when he was young. Dogs are so rowdy, and hard to handle when they are young, they are hyper, and they need lots of attention. By the way, you really shouldn't have a dog

if someone can't be home with it most of the day. Now, I don't know about you guys, I'm stopping halfway through, but that was just packed with information that I didn't know. Really, I shouldn't have a dog if someone can't be home with it most of the day. I had no idea. You know, I thought I could just get a dog,

stick them on the roof of my fucking apartment, and leave for seven days. I figured maybe it'll rain, you know, and they can just... Don't they store water in their bodies like fucking camels? I have no idea. What a fucking douchebag. He's already a douchebag,

and then he has the balls, the fucking ego, wrapped around his balls to write another paragraph of obvious shit. Here we go, everybody. Here we go. I've got a three-year-old out there. Maybe they want to listen to the rest of this for this fucking information. Here's what this fucking Einstein says the rest of this.

You have to give it affection. It's like a baby. Except you don't have to send it to college. No, he didn't say that part. All right, she just wants attention. She needs to be walked and petted and played with every day. That's right, petted.

This is the guy who thinks I'm a fucking moron. How often do you walk her and pet her daily? Were you drunk when you typed this? You already said petted in the other thing. Anyways, he says, guess what? You do have to fucking build up the trust of... or the dog isn't going to obey you.

That's right there in a nutshell is how people give advice on the Internet. Guess what? Hey, fuckhead, like that whole vibe. It just blows my mind why someone can't be like, oh, hey, I got a dog. This is the stuff I went through and this is kind of what I tried.

Hope it works. Everybody's got to... not everybody, but so many people came at me like, I couldn't believe it. So anyways, he says, guess what? You do have to fucking build up trust or the dog isn't going to obey you. Really?

Really? I had no idea. I thought I was like fucking Tarzan. I could just start communicating. I was fucking Dr. Doolittle. What an asshole. You're asshole, douchebag and cunt of the week and I haven't even finished your fucking email.

Alright, I'm continuing. Alright, what the fuck? Can't even get through this sentence. Guess what? And she's going to find every way she can to break loose when she's confined and you're not home. My lab is 13 years old

but he still needs to play and be petted. Is it petted? It needs to be pet, you dumb fuck. That's not even a word. Hey, fuckhead. Now I'm doing it. I'm just pissed because you're coming at me like this, you cunt.

I just asked you for advice, you know? Thank God you don't teach kids. Anyways, if yours is whimpering at night, it's most likely she didn't get much interaction. Feels lonely. Three E's and feels, by the way. I don't think you should have a dog, Bill. Really?

I don't think you should have a computer. What do you think about that? How about that, fuckhead? I don't think you should have a fucking computer screen but not a keyboard. Or maybe a secretary. I learned nothing in that. Alright?

First of all, douchebag of the week, why would you think that you could even begin to analyze what is wrong with this dog without ever meeting it? You're basically superimposing the dogs you had in your life over this dog. Did any of the dogs you have get left by a fucking river for God knows how many fucking days? Now you know he's just gonna make it up.

Well yes, yet my Labrador was left by a fountain. Do dogs need attention? Do you understand? I mean, I guess because I didn't explain it, you gotta understand, I've been giving this dog so much attention, it's affecting my relationship with my girlfriend. Okay? She has all she can do to get me to cuddle with her,

but I've literally been laying, I can't walk to the fridge without laying down on the floor with that fucking dog and telling it how awesome it is for like 20 minutes every time. I'm not getting anything done, alright? You fucking moron. I've had dogs. I also grew up with dogs.

I was just asking for help, alright? You cunt. Stop acting like everyone in my family. Jesus Christ. You know what? I feel so much better about my family, some of these fucking emails. I don't want to be angry.

Look at this. What is this doing to me? Alright, here's the second douchebag of the week. He'll have a contest. Which one of these two people do you think is a bigger douchebag this week? Or are they both cunts? Alright, here we go. Here's the second email.

First off, I really enjoy your comedy and your Monday morning podcast. When you don't tarred out and post it on time. That part doesn't even make sense. So you enjoy it when I don't tarred out and post it on time. I don't get to, oh, when I don't tarred out, when I'm not a moron and I post it on time. Okay, maybe that's me. Alright.

Second, so he starts off nice. Or she, I don't even know who the fuck wrote this. Second, try not using a fucking cage. A duh. I swear to God. An adult wrote that. Second, try not using a fucking cage. A duh.

Now, why would you think the reader at this point would remotely give a... You could be telling me how to win a million dollars in this paragraph. The second you come at me this condescendingly. I don't give a fuck what you have to say. But for the sake of my listeners, I'm going to read the rest of this. Alright? You fucking... I need a new quote for cunt.

There's so many cunts this week. Alright. Let's start over again with that sentence. Second, try not using a fucking cage. A duh. As long as you keep small objects and your trash away from the dog's reach, you can get the dog to pass out most of the time you're away. Once again, here's a guy who has no idea what I'm dealing with.

And he completely writes off cages. You know, all these people you see at the airport where the dog's in one of those fucking cages and they don't have a problem with it because they introduce the cage in a proper way rather than the stupid way that I did it at the pet store where I tried to figure out if the dog could fit into it by pushing it by head first and then I'm pushing its ass as it's using all its pitbull muscle on the linoleum to be like, ah, I don't feel like going in there, you know? Whatever.

I'm not good with spatial relation. I did what I had to do. Okay. Let's continue. As we... The first week of trying to figure out the new section, who's a bigger douchebag? Alright, let me read the rest of this here. Finding a proper dog toy is necessary, but avoid anything that can be eaten and salivated on

dash raw hides. Now, there's almost some information. So I know I don't need raw hides. I don't know why. He hasn't really told me why, but I guess I just avoid those. This is like getting sex education in like the 40s, you know? When no one could fucking talk about it. This is brutal.

Instead of all that time, you wasted teaching the dog to be comfortable in an uncomfortable place, an uncomfortable place. He's talking about the cage. You could have been teaching it to behave in the household. Really? Oh, I had no idea. It's not like I walked it into the fucking apartment and just shoved it into a cage. You fucking idiot.

I had it on the leash. I walked it all around the house. Everything was going great. Everything was going great. And then it had some bad experiences with the cages and then it won't go in the room where the cage was because it had a bad experience in there. Jesus fuck. I'm sick of these dog whisperer people watch fucking 10 episodes and then they think they

can like fucking put their hand on top of your dog and cure it. I don't know. Not that you care, but my friend of 10 years has had two pit bulls in a house area smaller than my one bedroom apartment and it doesn't destroy anything that you don't allow it to destroy. For every failed attempt of taking a dog in a dog, there is a flunky of an owner. Evidently, that's me. You don't even have kids.

You can definitely do this bill. See, that's positive. Have patience and understanding and that dog will give you unconditional love for many years. All right. You know, this guy is like, this is like a battered wife fucking email. He starts off nice, sucks me in. First off, I really enjoy your comedy Monday morning podcast.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, really? As I'm sticking my chin out, then he gives me a fucking uppercut. Try not using a fucking cage, a duh. Right. And then he trashes me. Basically, it alludes to the fact that I'm a flunky, maybe a flunky owner. I don't know. And then he starts stroking my head when I'm like, you know what?

I'm out of this relationship. I'm going back home to my father. I don't need this anymore. And then he says, no, Bill, have patience and understanding the dog. You know, you look beautiful in your little dicky shorts. Anyways, you know something? You animal lovers, you're out of your fucking minds. That's all I can say.

You got more goddamn passion for animals than you do for losing your fucking conveniences in this country. You know what I mean? They'll fucking stand there and continue to pay $15 for their first fucking bag. Even though the price of gas has come down. You could never get them to sign a fucking petition. But Jesus Christ, if somebody throws an errant frisbee and it hits a fucking shawawa on the side of its fucking leg, they'll be fucking making...

I'll probably have people with signs. If somebody from the goddamn animal shelter ever heard my last podcast, I'd probably have protesters outside my next funny bone gig. So anyways, I want to thank everyone who actually sent me advice trying to help me out. I'm not a bad dog owner. I just didn't understand what the dog was going through. And it's had three really traumatic events since I've had it, just out of my own ignorance. I put it in two different cages because I didn't understand why it was clawing up my apartment.

I just thought it was doing what dogs do. And once again, I didn't fucking decide to get a dog. My girlfriend just brought this thing home. So we had our lives to lead. So that was a horrific experience. And one day when we left, we left the door to our balcony open. And this kills me to say this. It walked out on the balcony and the wind blew the door shut.

And it was stuck out there for like 40 minutes. And when we got there, it was standing there trembling and drooling. It was fucking, it was horrific. And I, you know, I felt like I didn't deserve a dog. So since then, no, I take it for hikes every day. It should make you fucking dog lovers. Relax. Okay.

I swear to God. All right. I just watched, I was, you know, I'm actually doing this, this podcast, by the way, on a Sunday evening here. Because I want to make sure I was able to edit that thing in the front and do everything right. So people on the East coast wouldn't have to wait till the end of the fucking day to listen to this thing. But, you know, I want to go play drums. I've wanted to play drums for three fucking days, but I refuse to leave this dog alone. I refuse for this dog to have another bad experience due to me on my watch.

So all you guys can relax. And if you want to give me advice, give me advice. But I don't need advice that begins with, hey, shit, dick, or whatever that, you know, because that really, as you can tell, all it does is fucking annoy me. You know, and I combined, you know, I thought I had a great week. You know, I gave you guys a podcast. I put a new video up on my MySpace page and on my YouTube page, by the way, which I don't have the fucking name for. I forget the name of it, but I put it up there. I put up like fucking 30 new photos.

What else did I do? So that was a video. I gave you a podcast. I gave you new pictures. And I've been, I blogged all week for the NHL. You know, by the way, congratulations to the Carolina Hurricanes. Your sons of bitches. Best for checking I've seen on a hockey team in a long fucking time.

You guys were phenomenal. You deserve to win it. And good lucks against the penguins. You sons of bitches. And anybody who took my blog seriously, you can go fuck yourself because it says in the thing that I'm a comedian. So if you take my joke seriously, I can't, I can't help you. You know, you know, I mean, I'm trying to fucking come up with an analogy here. You know, I don't expect the weatherman to be funny.

You know, and I don't expect the comedian to be seriously serious. So if they write something fucked up that obviously they're joking. So all those references I made to you guys not having shoes. And And playing washboards and tubs in the stands and fucking, you know, not being real hockey fans because you're from down south. If you took any of that seriously, then you really are the moron that I was jokingly saying that you were. Okay, you know why I was referring to you as the Hartford whalers. All right, I was having fun.

I was just talking shit, you know, unless I say it about Montreal Canadian fans. That's the only time I mean it. You know, but even then I'll give it up. They got a beautiful city with gorgeous women. All right, so there you go. So on to the podcast here and I'm basically going to be reading a bunch of shit that I read last week but wasn't able to to update and Where the fuck am I? What are we going to do here?

When I get to some of the things that I asked on my my podcast a couple of weeks ago, I had mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was. I was flying from New York to back out here to LA at the height of the swine flu epidemic. Remember that one? You know, the devastation bring out your dead, you know, nothing fucking happened. But anyways, I get on the plane or I'm waiting to get on the plane. I sit in the terminal and I noticed that, you know, there's a couple hundred people there waiting to get on the plane and 15 people are wearing those surgical masks. And all 15 were Asian and there was no nobody else of any race was wearing the mask. So I was like, what the fuck?

Why are they the only ones wearing masks and somebody actually sent me an interesting observation? I don't know if this is true or not. But they said, Hey, Bill, you asked about the Asians wearing the mask. I may have an answer. As person says, I was over in Japan last year and noticed that I would see people wearing those masks everywhere I went. So I asked somebody of mine who lives there and he said that because everyone is so jam packed up to their eyeballs and people basically they're in close proximity. They wear they wear masks because they wear them. What does it say?

I just lost my place. They wear them even when they just have a cold. I'm assuming it's just a way of life to wear the mask when you're sick or something. Hope this helps. So I guess over there, everybody's so jam packed that I imagine a the common cold would spread like wildfire. So they put those things on. I guess that kind of makes sense. What does that mean?

All 15 of them had had the common cold or they all had the bird flu. Yeah, I don't fucking know. Or maybe they're more educated. Evidently their technology is better over there somehow. What happened to America? You know what I mean? We were the shit. We still are the shit.

We're just a bunch of fucking people now sitting around in cubicles. You know, do you guys see some of the pictures of the great American cars that I put up there? Just, you know, I only put up like three. I want to put up a bunch more. But that period, man, I'm telling you from the 1940s right through the 60s, you know, where it was just the heyday of American cars and the steel industry and all that type of shit. How the fuck, what happened? You know, what happened where we can't, well, we don't make the best cell phone. That should really bother us.

Shouldn't it? It's fucking, I don't know. It's really bug. It's really bothering me. So I don't know. I really don't have anything to say about it. But if you listen to these last fucking, if you listen to that pathetic attempt at social commentary, maybe you understand why we can't make a good cell phone or the best one out there. And speaking of that, let's talk about computer stuff.

You know, this is the new segment. I wish I had a little bit of theme music out there. You know, if somebody could write me some, you're going to learn something, theme music and send it as an mp3. I'll play it for this part because this is a new segment here where you guys are basically teaching me how not to be a moron with my computer. And this is something, last week, you know, I was bitching about how people always send me these emails and the font is really small. And I already suck at reading out loud if you haven't noticed yet. So I was wishing that people would send it bigger. So someone goes, well, actually this is what you can do if somebody sends us an email and you can't really read it because the font's too small.

All you have to do is hit the Apple command button and the plus sign, like, you know, two plus two. And you can make the font get bigger or the apple and the minus sign and you can make it get smaller. And it even works on the internet, you know, for like old people, you know, that are trying to find two eight, you know, trying to find two girls, one cup. And I can't see what it says, I can't see it. So they hit Apple fucking plus. Wow. How big are old people's keyboards? You ever seen that?

Like, you ever see like old people's phones? You ever seen that? And like the fucking, it's like literally the number pad is as big as like a toddler's hopscotch fucking board. You know, you ever see some shit like that? It just really scares you. You know, dying doesn't really scare me because I really have this belief. Like, I really believe in that whole thing that like death is a release. And I'm looking forward to becoming a fossil fuel.

You know, like I don't really need to continue this. You know, I just, you know, I think, you know, live in light, if you live a full life, that's enough. That should be enough. And then I should just become, yeah, fuel. I can't think of anything. I don't know. Moondust, whatever the fuck, you know, just become part of some shit that other things that are alive look at. What do I got to keep living?

Do you realize the fucking how ego maniacal that is? To feel that you like God like that you just continue living in this other state. I don't understand that. It's really, it's either that or you just can't wrap your head around not existing, which I definitely can't fucking do. But the beauty of not existing is you don't exist. So you can't sit there thinking like, fuck, I don't exist anymore. You just don't exist. That's it.

You know, God, I wish I was deep. I was pathetic just skimming the surface of a bunch of cool shit. And I just have nothing to say because I don't read anyways, but you ever see that shit? You ever see some shit where that just reminds you of like, you know, I guess maybe to enjoy living. I was in a hardware store and no, I wasn't. I was in CVS and I saw a booster seat for the toilet and I was just like, wow, you know, like that, that is an option. Like that could possibly happen to me where I could get so fucking old that I have the ability to lower myself down onto a regulation height toilet. But I lack the quad strength to get my in my legs to get myself back up.

You know, I mean, how do you figure that? Does that just happen one day you sit down and then you just can't fucking get up again. And then you just have to fucking, what do you do? You got to fucking just sort of lean over to one side and fall off the toilet. Hope there's not a vanity there. Then you just lay in there on the tiles. Your balls are still in the toilet water. See what I'm saying?

People, this is my inspirational speech. You got to live life. You got to live life. Get a fucking dog. I'm telling you, shut down emotional psychopath. I cannot tell you how much having a dog has helped me in fucking two weeks of having this thing. I absolutely unconditionally fucking love this dog. I absolutely fucking love this dog.

And to the point and take it in, you know, in the exact thing that I was running from, the reason why I never got a dog like the responsibility of having one and having to walk the fucking thing and give it water. And if it takes a shit, I got to pick it up in a Fritos bag, you know, and act like I'm walking to my trash barrel when I'm really going to my neighbors, you know, going through all that bullshit. That's the thing I think I love the most. I actually like that I have a reason to walk away from having fucking four scotches. You know, now I only have three, you know, and then I come home half in the bag

and I start screaming at the dog about my childhood. You know, it's a great thing. I don't, I don't scream at him like it's, it's fault. I just yell at it about my childhood. You know, I don't do that shit. I just like getting you animal lovers up in a fucking, get your panties in a bunch. Do you really do that? Why would you do it?

It's just a dog. It doesn't understand. I know. No, but it's, it's, it's been a, it's been a great thing to the point. I'm literally, I took it to the beach today and it's fucking hilarious. Took it down to the water and this thing is so goddamn like muscular. It's ridiculous. Like, you remember those that, you know, you ever see pumping iron?

Do you ever see that when those guys, you know, that, that, that fucking, the Hulk Hogan flex? Where they, I don't know how to do it. How the fuck do you, without visually, all right, you bring it up, right? Like in the wrestler, bring it up. You know that show up the V and then you bring it back down. You got your two fists meeting right above your fucking pubes. That shot, right? You know, fucking all the muscles pop up.

That's what this fucking dog looks like when it's running. And it was absolutely terrified of the water in the ocean. You know, like I was trying to get it to go out where it was just above its neck. You know, you know where it's paws weren't touching the ground. The tide was really strong and shit. So it was kind of, but we kind of offset in each other, like counter balancing each other with like the weight of the dog and me. You know, a couple of times like the waves were like washing over and he was doing like somersaults and shit. And the thing got so fucking scared.

I'm looking at it like, dude, you're a pit bull. This is pathetic. We're on Venice Beach. People are watching, you know. You know what's funny is people who are really into animals actually just believe that fucking story. They actually believe that. I went out into the ocean with the fucking dog. I'm terrified of the fucking ocean.

Don't you guys listen to my act? Haven't you seen any of my past specials? I am absolutely fucking terrified of the ocean. I will not go in it. The only way I'll go in it is if my boat sinks. Okay. Or if I'm on fire. And even then, even then, even then, what the fuck is that?

Even then, I'll just stay in the shallow, shallow water. Can't fucking talk all of a sudden. I used to do a bit in my act, right? I love how I just throw these jokes out because I'm never going to put them on albums or anything like that. I used to do this bit in my act where I was talking about being terrified of the ocean, you know, because I'm scared of sharks. I'm scared of getting eaten alive and drowning at the same time, you know, combining, you know, like splitting aces in a bad way. Like horrific deaths, you know. So this guy one time, this is the joke, right?

He used to, this guy says to me, trying to make me more relaxed. Wait a minute. Here's my phone ringing so I can break in my balls with the Celtics lost. Oh, this is Joe DeRosa. He doesn't give a shit. He doesn't. You guys want to hear? Oh, I got my first phone call.

Joe DeRosa. Hang on a second. I'll put them on speaker. Joe DeRosa. Joe. Hey, dude. Hey. Hey, shut up.

I'm doing my podcast right now. Can you tell me something really quick, please? I got you on speakers. I don't say anything fucked up. You're going to be on my podcast. Joe DeRosa from the Uninformed show, everybody. Hello, everybody. How you doing?

No, I've been drinking for quite some time now with my good friend Scott here. Okay. And I kept talking about that drum clip where the guy played like the 64 notes with his foot. What is that guy's name? I got to show it to him. Oh, Joe Joe Mayer. Joe Joe Mayer? Yeah.

Like John Mayer, except Joe Joe? No. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know, Joe. I don't listen to John Mayer. Joe Joe Mayer, like, like Britney Spears? No.

I think it's either with an, yeah, Joe, just, just look it up. You'll find it. Just write Joe Joe Mayer bass drum and just, just watch what he does. All right. I'm going to watch what he does until all your fans, I love all of you and keep listening to the Bill Byrne podcast. Hey Joe, why don't you hype your next gig, you fucking drunk? I'll be in Indianapolis this weekend.

At Crackers? At Crackers, yes, if you come see me and I appreciate it. Okay. All right, Joseph. Well, you have a good night of drinking. I'll talk to you later. Thank you, Bill. See you later.

All right. That's Uninformed's Joe DeRosa, everybody. And I completely forgot what the fuck I was talking about. Oh, I was talking to him. I was going to do that first joke. See that? See what he's doing? He's just drinking.

He's out drinking on a Sunday night. Why you guys all don't become comedians? Oh fuck. Earthquake. Earthquake. Earthquake. Fuck. Hang on.

Hang on. Hang on. That was a little one. That was a little one. Okay. How about that? A phone in and a fucking earthquake. And a fucking MP3 at the beginning of this.

This is the best goddamn podcast ever. Jesus Christ, is that scary? Huh? You know what you do in the earthquake? You just sort of stand there and you put your fucking hands out. Like you can somehow stop the energy. You know? Like all of a sudden you're, I don't know, some superhero that knows how to stop the

fuck. That's what I did. I said, okay. Okay. Normally I would actually run into the door jam. Wait a fucking minute. Wait a minute. I got a dog.

Hey, Cleo. Aren't you supposed to give me a warning about that shit? I thought you fucking dogs knew stuff about that. We just disproved the fucking myth right there. Hang on a second. I got to make sure my dogs are right. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Cleo. Cleo. You okay, baby? Get chilling. All right. Get chilling. All right.

The dog's chilling. The dog's chilling. It's probably just a truck driving by. I'm such a fan. All right. You know what's funny? Look at me working on my memory. Thank you, everybody, for all your tips out there that I can't

remember what the fuck they were. And I haven't even used them. I'm lying. But I'm going to use them. I'm going to use them. What is it? Pictionary? What the fuck am I supposed to use?

I actually remember what I was talking about. The fuck is I doing? Oh, yeah. That's right. I was doing one of my jokes I used to do about seven, eight years ago if you saw me down the comedy cellar. You might recognize this one. It goes a little something like this.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. So this guy was trying to get me to not be freaked out about going into the ocean and sharks. And he goes, uh, he goes, well, you know some bill. A lot of people don't realize this, but 90% of shark attacks actually happen in the shallow water. And my punchline was like, yeah, that's where the people are.

It's called the beach stupid. All right. Stupid little attitude. I wore a leather jacket. I was dangerous back then. What the fuck was the tag to that? I literally have to go back to the beginning to remember it. Yeah.

It's where the people are. It's called the beach stupid. You know, it's like there's some guy, yeah, let's, you know, I used to mind swimming. Let's come on. Let's go to Europe. You fucking pussies. That was a joke.

Oh, and the people, they would laugh. They would laugh and I would get myself a free falafel. That's what I would do when I worked at the comedy cellar. I used to do food spots, food spots back in the day, which meant you literally were working for food. That's how much fun my fucking job is. I used to drive from Boston all the way down to New York City. And I used to sign up for late night at the comedy cellar.

And late night was at between one and two in the morning or 2 30 in the morning. And back then you would simply sign up. Now I know there's a lot of young comics right now. I think that that was really easy. And they're actually right because now they make them fucking, they got to do pre shows and they got to bring 20 fucking people and blow somebody. It's, it's, they got a bark outside standing with flyers as brutal back back in the day. You just go down and you'd sign up, but I would drive three and a half hours down,

sign up three and a half hours back. I knew I had to do that one time. That was how fucking dumb I was. This is my big way that I was going to get in, in, like at me in New York or whatever. Just my whole way. Like I had to take baby steps when I went to New York because I was so intimidated when I went down to New York because all I had performed to was a bunch of angry white dudes in Boston. And I wasn't angry white dude.

I fucking grew up around angry white dude. So was no, wasn't a problem. Then when I went down to New York, everybody's there. There was, you know, Puerto Ricans, black people fucking Puerto Ricans. You know, all right, blanked out, whatever. There's a bunch of other people there, right? The second I saw it do rag, I'd get like, I'd feel myself. I literally just, I'd get back on my heels and then there's nothing worse.

Bombing sucks, but when you bomb because you, you were a fucking pussy, that's the worst kind of bombing. If you stand there, right? And you're fucking giving it right back to them and they're just giving you shit and you lose. But at least you told them to go fuck themselves. There's something, it still sucks. I'm not going to lie. I still like a nice fucking liver shot, but I'm telling you, it hurts so much more when you act like Ned Beatty. All right.

Anyways, what am I doing? What am I doing here? How far into this podcast are we? Okay, we've had phone calls, we've had fucking earthquakes. I talked to my dog. All right, we're 39 minutes in. Oh, coming up this week. Let's for once, let me hype.

Let me hype what the fuck I got going on. I'm going to be at the improv out here in Hollywood, California. I know a lot of people out out west are always asking me when are you going to be performing in LA? Well, there you go. You sons of bitches. I'm going to be at the improv on Melrose on May 22nd and May 23rd. That's a Friday and a Saturday. Friday is at eight o'clock and Saturday, two shows, 7.30 and 9.30.

And we break it out a bunch of new material. We're talking about my dog and what a fucking moron I am. I don't know what I'm going to say, but I'm imagining it's going to be hilarious. At least I'm hoping it is. And maybe that's what I'll do. Maybe I'll just become that guy who fucking... That's not, you know, that's going to be an extra career move. I'm just going to just talk about dogs and be that guy.

You know, the dog guy. He just talks about dogs. I saw that guy. That's the quickest way to blow up. You know, I saw the other day that there was a... You know, I don't begrudge anybody who sells tickets here. Let me preface it with that. But I saw that there was a ventriloquist who was booked to play in like this basketball arena,

like a professional basketball arena, like where the fucking Atlanta Hawks play or some shit. All right. And God bless that guy. He deserves every fucking dime he gets. But this is the question I have for you. What kind of a fucking moron sits in the upper deck of a goddamn arena to watch a fucking ventriloquist? You understand what I'm saying? I mean, what do you say on the car right home? You couldn't even... I couldn't even see...

I couldn't even see his lips move. Yeah. Even when he was talking, you couldn't see it. You dumb cunt. You fucking 20 rows away. It was unbelievable. It was amazing. And the way he could throw his voice, it was almost like they had invented some sort of apparatus that amplified what he was saying. Because it was so loud and it was so far away and I couldn't see his lips moving. Can you imagine being that dumb? How much fun you have.

Like, how good does ice cream taste when you're that fucking stupid? You could have vanilla ice cream and enjoy a bowl of that. Just having the time of your life. Too dumb to stop eating it. Just wondering why you keep getting headaches. Oh, great. Another untimely headache. Just when I was going to enjoy the rest of this ice cream. Why do these untimely headaches always have to come when I'm enjoying what I love to do most? Eating a whole bowl of vanilla ice cream.

God, that would be great. Just to be that fucking stupid. You know, that's stupid. I've talked about this before. You know, that's stupid where your fucking mouth is open even when you're not talking. You know those people? They just sit there. And for some reason, their tongue never dries out. Even a bulldog, that tip of its tongue will dry out after a while. But morons, I don't know what it is, their tongue never dries out. So you got to just sit there and look at it.

You know, it's annoying. If it dried out, it would at least make you feel good that they were suffering. Alright, that was a tangent. Let's get back to the podcast here. Alright, there was actually some great questions here. This is why I actually saved these. This is a great, if you guys want to have a blueprint for a great question. And I'm actually, you know, I got to tell you guys have really stepped up in general. I'm going to give you all a pat on the back. You guys are really, you're writing really funny shit and they're great questions like this one here.

Listen to this question. Bill, if you were a serial killer, how would you kill your victims? And what would be your serial killer name? For my job, I have a lot of time to think about stuff. And I was listening to your story about the Green River Killer. And it got me to thinking, if I was a serial killer, how would I do it? He's alluding to my podcast a couple of weeks ago. I was talking about how they always give like serial killers nicknames,

like they're playing in the fucking Rose Bowl, you know? So anyway, so he's actually actually, you know what, that's what I did last week. That's what the fuck I did. I looked up a bunch of serial killer nicknames. You know, I noticed a lot of guys had great nicknames, but there was actually a surprising amount of female serial killers, but not enough of them got cool nicknames except for this one lady who was known as the Giggling Grandmother. And I can't remember, it was a couple of weeks ago, but she literally killed like four husbands,

both her sisters, a second cousin or whatever. And they finally, you know, figured out what the fuck was going on. The amount of shit you could get away with back in the day. You know, nowadays you got to kill like 22 complete strangers. Back in the day before they knew how to dust for fingerprints and they didn't have all this fucking DNA investigation, you could literally kill everybody at work. You know, you work with 40 people and 40 weekends in a row,

somebody could be disappearing and you could literally just keep shrugging your shoulders going, I don't know either. I mean, yeah, what are the odds? So anyways, when they finally picked up this old lady and they interrogated her, I guess she would just laugh when they were, did you kill him? And she would just sort of laugh and say, yeah, I did. And they couldn't tell if she was just trying to mask her embarrassment or if she was just that shut down or whatever.

But she got the nickname, the Giggling Grandmother. That's a great one. That's a great one. The Giggling Grandma. Literation. Grandmother. She's supposed to be making cookies and she's out killing people. Gives you a chill.

It's fucking beautiful. So anyways, let's get back to this. So this guy says he sat around thinking about it at work. And okay, here's his deal. He said, not to sound too crazy, but I did give it to some, did give it some thought as how I would kill somebody. He said, I figured I would use a stick. I found in the forest and sharpen it, use it and then burn the evidence.

I would be the caveman killer. And dude, I gotta tell you, that's just fucking great. That's just really well thought out. How fucking awesome is that? All these guys for years in the mob, you know, they tape up the gun with duct tape, and then they shoot the dude and then they throw it in the fucking river. And then some fucking nerd who never gets any pussy, who's got time to use a metal detector at the bottom of the river,

finds the fucking thing. And next thing you know, you get busted at your 30 year fucking high school graduation, right? Happens all the time. This is perfect. This is perfect. If you kill somebody you don't even know what the sharpen stick, you burn the fucking stick. This is so good.

I don't even want to fucking, I don't even want to like, like, like talk about it. I'm afraid I'm giving somebody a great idea. So let's get to me. How would I do it? And what my serial killer name would be? Well, if you know me, I'm, I'm a big fan of yesteryear. I'm not looking forward to the future. So I would go old school, you know, I would go old school.

I try to bring back the sickle, you know, I would use a sickle and, and I would definitely get into the placement of the body. Okay. It would just be me because I learned from a cop that the more people you involve in a crime, the higher chance you have of getting caught because somebody is going to be that fucking moron like that kid. I mean, that fucking kid in, uh, was a Saturday night fever. I mean, he doesn't jump in on the fight. Where were you guys?

Oh, I was looking for you. There's always one of those guys, you know, and you know, they just start crying. He's fucking working the fucking improv next weekend. Um, so I would definitely do it alone and I would bring back the sickle. I would wear the hood and I would do all that type and I wouldn't wear the hood. Just make me all sweaty. I'm going to kill him. Who cares if they see my face.

And basically what I would do is I would just fucking chop their heads off and I would leave the head in their bed and I'd leave their body in the bathtub. And I would be known as the, uh, bed, bath and beheader. Can I, can I just apologize for that? I really knew that that was going to stink as I was starting to say it. I knew that that was going to be awful, but I don't know. I was just, I was trying to fucking, I hate corporations. And if there was just a way that you could go around killing people and to have it kind of sound like Best Buy or Bed Bath and Beyond, just so some fucking douchebag would have to actually stand behind a podium and actually read some letter of detraction going,

we don't condone, we here at Bed Bath and Beyond do not condone what the Bed Bath and Beheader does. Um, we don't condone, um, even just assaulting people. Once again, we are Bed Bath and Beyond. We, there's no beheading that happens here. And, um, I know he's still on the loose, but I think it's safe to say that he does not work for us. And, uh, we are cooperating with the, uh, local authorities have answered all their questions. And that's all we have to say on the matter. And we would just like to get back to selling pillowcases, you know, just to make them fucking do that.

All right, there you go. This is a podcast for the week. I hope you guys enjoyed it. A lot of thrills, a lot of spills, huh? A little earthquake, a little, a little, a little bit of everything. I hope I was able to edit that MP3 in the front of this because I recorded this fucking thing first, you know? So, uh, that's it. Please come out and see me at the, uh, the improv this week. And, um, trying to put together another Monday show up at the, uh, Punchline in San Francisco. Uh, I had so much fun last March doing that.

And, uh, that's what I got going on. And, uh, congratulations to the people down there in Orlando. Uh, you got a great basketball team. You beat my Celtics. Congratulations to you guys. You know, you got something better to do than fucking put steel balls underneath your fucking pickup truck and drive over to Epcot Center, you know? Or have a wild weekend down there in Tampa, huh? You know, or just sit around watching your mullets grow, you know? You got, you're going to the fucking Eastern Conference finals. Who do you guys like? Who do you like?

I gotta tell you, I'm rooting for the fucking Nuggets. And, um, living out here in LA, I really, I really, you know, I don't hate, I don't hate Laker fans because it's like they live here. So obviously they're fucking into Lakers. But what I do hate is how they're acting like they're anywhere near the amount of championships that the Celtics have. It's like, dude, you have nine, the Los Angeles Lakers have nine championships. Okay. Stop with this 14. The Minneapolis Lakers won five. Okay. Your franchise has won 14. I'll give you that.

If you take two cities and you glue them together, they have won, you've won three less championships than the one city of Boston has won. Don't ever fucking forget that, all right? Because if the Lakers ever moved to fucking Las Vegas and they won a championship, how would you think if some douchebag in Vegas was like, yeah, we got 15 bitches? It's like, no, you don't. No, you know, you got one, you got one. All right, so you fuckers, you're still in single digits and you're going to lose to the Nuggets. At least I hope you do. I hope you don't show up.

I hope you don't. I don't know why the Lakers aren't showing up. This is easy for them. Kevin Garnett's out. Bam. It's wide open. You're good to go. The Cavaliers do not have enough guys on their team to beat you guys. The Nuggets don't have enough guys, but you know what? The Nuggets and the Cavaliers have that the Lakers don't have. They have heart. They got fucking heart.

I'm telling you, who the fuck takes, who takes games off in the playoffs? Who does that? You know, who does that? The fucking Los Angeles Lakers. It's almost like they're so fucking good. They just say, let's fuck around. I don't know. I don't fucking know. I'm just, you know, I don't know. I'm bummed my team lost, but you know something? Can somebody in the NBA just call traveling?

I don't give a fuck, even if it's on my own. I saw, I saw fucking, what's his face there tonight? What the fuck am I trying to think? I'm already thinking, I just suck with names. Just pause, Bill, think. Not Ray Lewis. He plays for the fucking Ray Allen. Jesus Christ, I'm getting old here. I'm getting seen out. Ray Allen literally catches a ball. He runs three steps. Clearly runs three steps and takes the three-pointer and hits it.

The amount of times I just sit there and scream, traveling, as I watch an NBA game, is, it's ridiculous. You know what's ridiculous is that I continue this podcast even though it was over. It's over. All right, you guys, get on with your lives, your lives, your lives. What a fucking moron. All right, you guys have a good week. God bless. And the long-winded kisses I hear in my head Words never listen And teachers all never learn My war from the kindle

Though I feel too cold to burn It came from hiding Letting it die from the stream And it hurts so bad I can't celebrate again But it never said nothing to me But said, Lord, heaven, heaven, heaven Said, Lord, heaven, heaven, heaven You like a baby

Lost like a prayer The sky was your playground But the cold girl was your bed Ooh, simple, stargazing She's got no tears in her eyes Looks real like a whisper But the mirror peels on over time And I seem like too much love is

Never enough Yeah, you better Think of another world Cause this one has ended up wrong Oh, said, Lord, heaven, heaven, heaven Said, Lord, heaven, heaven, heaven Oh, said, Lord, heaven, heaven, heaven, heaven Ah, I've never wanted to wrap these words down with you

With the pages of friends that we'll all face and never do Yes, I blow out of the candle And I put you to bed But you can't say to me now How the dogs broke your bones They just won't be left to be seen Said, Lord, heaven, heaven, heaven, heaven, heaven Said, Lord, heaven, heaven, heaven, heaven, heaven

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