Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-19-16

Episode Date: May 20, 2016

Bill rambles about dirty socks, red noses and the Waffle House.

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I'm out here in Nashville, Tennessee, Nashville, Tennessee, home of the Grand Ole Opry and that fucking river that overflows in the evil looking building downtown. Other than that, wonderful people, great food and all that type of shit. I'm out here for one day and one day only. I know you guys probably think, well, what the fuck, Bill? You didn't advertise it on your goddamn website. Are you doing a stand-up show? I am not. What I am doing is I'm doing a panel thing for F is for Family with the great Mike Price co-creator of the show from The Simpsons. We're doing like a live thing where they show an episode and then we answer some questions hosted by Russell Peters. And it's going to be on XM Sirius.

I don't know what channel, of course, because I'm a moron, but that's basically what I'm doing here. And then I go off to Calgary tomorrow morning, Calgary, Edmonton, and then Seattle. So, oh, do I got some stories for you? I hope these levels are okay. I did my best with them. This was my plane ride out to Nashville. So we rode all day and then I took the red eye out and the dude who sat next to me on the fucking plane. God bless him, but he's one of these guys, man. If he doesn't turn it around, he's not going to see 50 because he was one of those guys who was abusing his body so bad.

When I go to guess his age, he was either like 26 to 28 or like 37. I couldn't tell. But he looked as old as me. If he was my age, you're like, dude, you got another two years because if you fucking did that to yourself for close to 48 years, you would be done. This fucking guy, man, holy shit, he put on a display, all right? So, you know, it's late at night and take the red eye, like I said, 11 p.m. And I got the aisle, he's got the window, right? And fortunately, my sciatica is almost but gone away.

And I've just been, you know, taking it easy and it's just sort of naturally working itself out while doing all the stretches and all that shit. So anyways, he's got the fucking window seat. And I'm thinking I'm being smart. I did the aisle thing because, all right, if I need to stretch, I can just step out into the aisle and I won't have to step over anybody. Because I fucked up last time I went to St. Louis, I flew Southwest and I wasn't thinking I just went to the window seat. And then I was trapped, you know, on the other side of two other people. So this time I'm thinking I'm being smart. But it turns out my back feels great and now all I want to do is go to sleep.

And this fucking guy, man, holy shit. This guy was like crushing the fucking airport bar. I don't know how many fucking Jack and Cokes this guy drank, but he just kept going like, the guy would, he would just go, can I get another one? And then the guy would bring it over and he'd be like, my dude, thank you, right? Some reason he said my dude. And then he would just be sucking these things down. And he was one of these fucking guys that was so out of shape, like he snored while he was awake. You know what I mean?

The noises this guy makes, right? So after about, I don't know, like fucking five of these things were in the flight. I'm starting to nod off. He fucking goes to step over me. Mountain of a man goes to step over me, you know, which of course sort of wakes me up and he goes into the bathroom and I notice he's wearing his socks. Fucking animal. This guy is like trying to kill himself from all sides. You know what I mean?

Death comes from the mouth, but he's also trying to fucking speed it up. Try to go into the express lane by bringing a little in through the fucking pores of the bottom of his feet. People. It's not your fault that you weren't raised right, but you got to look around at life. Okay, you got to do the fucking math. I almost think, what do you think it is, is grosser. To be in your bare feet or in your socks. I know initially the bare feet is worse, but there's something about the socks just absorbing it.

And like, you know, the next day, if you put them on again after you took a shower, you still got the fucking shit in because it's going into your feet. No matter what. One of the grossest things. So the entire fucking flight. This guy is just pounding jack and coax. I mean, he had, he must have had like nine of them on like a, I don't know how long that flight is, like four fucking hours and I'm trying to sleep and I can't get to sleep because, you know, he's a big guy. He's a cool guy. He was trying to step over.

You know, at one point I did that Vietnamese gambler squat and he's like, he goes, what are you doing? You praying over there? You all right? I got a, I got a sciatic nervous and he goes, oh man, that sucks. So I couldn't get mad at him because he was friendly. But every time he went to step over me, he'd fucking wake me up and then I'd look and he'd be going into the bathroom just wearing his socks and it just was driving me fucking nuts. So finally, all I'm thinking is, oh my God, when this fucking mountain of a man goes down, like he is going to snore. Like, I mean, I've never had the displeasure of sleeping next to Terry Saragusa, whatever it is, Tony Saragusa.

But I imagined he was going to sound like whatever that guy sounds like at like two o'clock in the fucking morning, right? But it was the weirdest thing. He was snoring while he was awake. But when he was, when he went to sleep, he didn't make a fucking sound and oh, he kept dropping his fucking iPhone. He had his shoes off and just the noises he was trying to make to try to pick it up. It's like, why the fuck would you do that? Do that to yourself. These fucking people that treat their own bodies like a rental car, I just don't understand it. It's like, you can't return this fucking thing at the end of the weekend.

You got to keep, this is the vessel that's going to bring you around for your fucking life, you know? I mean, I should talk the way I fucking booze, but, you know, I still do my jumping jacks and I do a couple of cartwheels to keep the stomach down, you know? So anyways, the flight fucking ends. My travel is all fucked up for whatever reason. And I'm basically, by the time they booked my hotel, everything was sold out. So I had a hotel for the night, but I couldn't check in until three in the afternoon. So I go, you know, so they booked me at another hotel. And the person, you know, the travel person goes, so you got to check in at this hotel, you know, at 5.30 in the morning,

and then check out at 12 and then check in for the other places. It is like at 3pm. It's like, is that cool? And I'm like, no, it's not cool. Like, do you ever travel? Is that the way you set up your travel? You want to switch hotels, you know, in the same fucking city you're staying? But I mean, I don't have any choice, so it's going to have to be cool.

So I fucking take a cab over there. I get to the place at like fucking 5.30 in the morning. This is like planes, trains and automobiles, right? I get there and they're like, what's it under? And I'm like, oh no. And I'm like, Bill Burr, they're like, yeah, I see you. I'm like, William, rumple fucking stills, we don't get it, right? And the guy keeps going, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm like, well, I know it's not your fault. So now it's like fucking 5 in the goddamn morning. I got no place to stay. And he goes, well, the bellhop could take you over to the fucking waffle house. Wait, sorry if I make mic noise here. I got to move this laptop around because I want you to fucking hear this thing. So yeah, I'm sorry if, you know, sorry about that.

So the fucking, so now at like fucking 5.20 in the morning, I got no place to stay till three in the afternoon. I'm fucking dead tired. I couldn't sleep because old fatty cakes over there was drinking the fucking Jack and Coke's all night, stepping over on me with his fucking piss and shit infested soaked socks. And now they don't have a room for me. And now I'm going to a waffle house, right?

So I get to the fucking waffle house. You know, at fucking quarter to six in the morning, half expecting to see Jay-Z finishing the end of that song, you know, that old fucking thing, go to the waffle house, then we're going to do it again. How the fuck is it? Well, I guess he'd be walking out with it, right? The banger and then kick around at seven while Beyonce sings Lemonade in the background. I don't know what the fuck it is that those two do.

I don't pretend to know. I'm an old man. Anyways. So I walk in there, a bunch of fucking characters and I'm bleary-eyed. I'm not even fucking hungry, but I know I can't just sit in there like some sort of vagrant. So there are some eggs in a fucking waffle and I'm sitting there and this is black guy in there wearing a suit. And he's, he's like an anomaly.

I don't know. He sees a black guy, but he isn't funny. It's very rare. It's like an obese agent. It's very rare to just, you know, obesity, you know, I don't know what they eat over an age, but I mean, whatever they're doing, they're doing it right. It's all the vegetables and the stir fries. There's a secret and phenomenal state.

And he was getting hooked, right? I mean, once, it's very rare you meet a black guy who isn't funny. And this fucking guy is not funny and he won't shut the fuck up. He keeps telling jokes and he's laughing at his own fucking jokes. And I just want to, I want to stab myself with my fucking waffle house fucking fork. So at one point he just won't shut up and then finally one of the waitresses makes a joke on the other waitress. The other waitress goes, you know, don't be walking up behind me.

You know, you don't want to, you know, you don't want to basically fuck with me. And then the lady goes, ah, no, she goes, I don't fight pregnant women and she wasn't pregnant. Okay. But admittedly it was a decent joke. The unfunny black dude in the suit, you know, high pitch lap stands up, runs out of the waffle house, goes out to the front and does like a fucking 360 turn. And immediately the fucking, you know, the road weary comedian in me going like, all right, dude, it was funny. It wasn't that fucking funny.

And he comes back in and then I don't, I didn't know what the fuck to do. I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do with myself? I can't go to sleep. My phone's running out of batteries. I'm charging it there. It was just a fucking nightmare. So I just start calling hotels. They're all fucking booked up.

I don't know what's going on here in Nashville. If there's some sort of fucking banjo festival, I have no fucking idea. But there's no way some Jesus shit, you know, or some, you know, Democratic or Republican convention. I have no fucking idea, but I cannot get a room. So, you know, I'm like, what do I do? So I called in the Opie and Jimmy show. I talked to them for a minute and then I was just like, what am I doing? So I finally called the cab and I just went over to the hotel that I was supposed to be at.

And they were like, and they were like, oh yeah, you know, somebody called said you, you know, fucking last night if we could get you in. Unfortunately, we cannot blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I at least checked my bags. You know, I felt like a fucking homeless person when I was in the Waffle House with the unfunny black dude. And I had my fucking bags on the inside of myself as I sat in the booth, made the two fucking people, but I was sitting there by myself, right? So I got to the hotel. I at least checked in my bags and they had a fucking like a couch in the lobby of this place. They go, we're already cleaning a room.

And at this point, it's six thirty in the morning and I'm like, great. Whenever you can get me in, if I got to pay extra, I just don't give a shit, right? So they say fine. So I go over and I just lay down on the couch, put my hat over my eyes and I just pass out. I'm talking like, I wasn't even trying to be a gentleman. I had both feet up on the fucking couch. I was like, this is my bed and I'm just sleeping there. And I just keep hearing people as they're getting waking up, getting on with their day.

Like, you want to get some smother? Oh, I heard they have such great eggs and all this shit. And then at one point, this guy walked by, you know, his fucking assholes who whistle. Fucking, you know, I think I tweeted, nobody likes a whistler at some point. This fucking guy just came by whistling, you know, just it's just some random song. It's not even, it's not even a fucking song. He's just whistling because that's what the fuck he does. And then I just completely, I was just zonked out.

And then all of a sudden I just feel somebody pushing me once, twice. And I fucking wake up and they go, hey, Mr. Burr, your room's ready. I'm thinking, oh, thank God. I thought it was like 7.30 in the morning. I looked, it was like 10, 15. I've been sleeping there like a bum for like four hours. So I finally ended up getting my fucking room. And fortunately, it was one of these rooms that has the great curtains.

I was able to close them and it felt like midnight. And then I just fucking crashed. Woke up, met some friends that I've met along the way on the road and took a drum lesson. I hate dropping names on this, but like they're one of my favorite bands out there right now. Mute Math is based out of here. And I got some lunch and Darren King actually gave me a little drum lesson. I still stink, but it was fucking like, I was beyond geeking out that I got to do it. So it was a bad day and I actually ended up turning it around.

And I'll tell you what's funny is if you notice in the story, I never flipped up. Bear with me. Watch your ears. I got to click and drag this thing over. Just hang on a second. I apologize. Here we go. Here we go.

It's almost over and it's over. I just realized I have no idea how much time I'm going here. What the fuck does this mean here? 447, 448. 448 what? Millimeters? Is this the metric system? Where the fuck's the timer?

How do I tell him how much time I'm doing? Alright, you're just going to have to fucking deal with this. I apologize. Anyways, I got this weird thing when like major shit happens, like I don't flip out. Like bigger shit like this, I don't flip out. Little shit bugs me. Like 20 minutes ago, I'm going down in the elevator and we just hit every fucking floor. And every fucking floor is another person coming on.

A fucking full grown adult wearing their name tag around their neck. Like it's their first day of preschool. And everybody knows everybody. Hey Carl, like the shorts. You're wearing those to the meeting. You're crazy, right? Down one more floor, every fucking floor. It's getting more and more packed.

And then I have to sit there and listen to office humor, right? I'll tell you right now. If you think every once in a while, a random black dude in a suit in a waffle house isn't funny. Wait till you're in a crowded elevator with a bunch of people that sit in cubicles all day. They have their fucking name tags around their neck. Listening to their jokes for eight fucking floors. By the time I got to the third floor, I was fucking livid. I was so fucking angry that the people around me could sense it.

That when I went to get off the elevator, even women got out of the way. So I'm not proud of that. But you would think I would have flipped out at the big dude stepping over me. Or I would have thought this anyways. Or I would have flipped out when my room wasn't ready. I would have flipped out, you know, even when I sent the text message to my travel person. I didn't curse. I didn't say that they fucked it up.

I know somebody fucked it up, but I've learned in the past to not just slice the head off of the first person. I just went very like, you know, I don't know what happened, but this is not acceptable. People knew I was coming here for two months. I don't understand. I've never had this problem before. This can't happen again. I'm now on my way to a Waffle House at 521 in the morning with all of my bags. And I just, you know, what else do you need to fucking say, right?

So anyways, it all ended up working out and I got some great food out here. And I ended up running into one of the cast members of Nashville, which is my wife's favorite fucking show. Unfortunately, it just got canceled. And I ran into the guy Charles Eston, and he was the coolest fucking guy ever. I was like, oh my God, my wife loves his show. Is there any way I could get a picture? And he goes, no, put it on video. He goes, watch this.

He goes, you do the intro. He was so fucking cool. So I just was like, hey, yeah, I'm in Nashville. I ran into one of the locals and it turns and it's his face. And he just goes, hey, yeah, thanks for watching the show. She freaked out and I got some good points. So thank you to Charles for making my fucking, making my married life a little easier. So there you go.

I don't know how much time that took up. According to GarageBand, I'm at 540 something. 540 fucking of these. Oh, they counting the little things was at 540 seconds. Am I really supposed to do that math? I'm not done 10 minutes yet. 600 seconds is 10 minutes. Oh, Jesus.

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I went into the drug store out here because I forgot my leaf to help my inflamed sciatica here. And sciatic nerve, I should say. And I went in there and there's this campaign that red nose fucking fun thing, whatever. And it's all these, it's some sort of charity. And it's all these fucking people, famous people wearing the red nose. So I'm going, what is this? I keep seeing this. So I start reading the box.

And it says, Walgreens will donate 100% of everything that they gain, collect or whatever, to this red nose camp, red nose fund. 100% is going to this red nose fund. So I'm like, all right, what is it? What is the fund? Nowhere on the box will it say what the fuck it is. It doesn't say what it's raising money for. Nowhere on the box. So I asked the lady behind the counter and I go, so what is this for?

If I buy one of these red noses, what is this for? She goes, oh, you get one of these. And it was like a little fucking gift certificate off a fucking chapstick or something. I go, no, no, no, no, I don't like what I get if I buy a red nose. Like, where does the money go? Who am I helping out? She goes, oh, I don't know. It's like my first day.

And I just laughed. I was like, well, I'm going to start the fucking green hat fund and everything's going to go to me. She's sort of like, I guess half ass laugh. I should have told her to the black guy in the suit in the fucking waffle house. He would have ran out of the place. I'm fifting cartwheels and come back in. Dude, it's not that funny.

I'm telling you, man, that's the new, I'm not saying the red nose thing is a scam, but it's pretty fucking shifty. Pretty shady that I'm sitting there looking at all these celebrities and it's just the red nose fund. And there's nothing on there saying where the money goes. Shouldn't that red nose thing bring up a couple of red flags there? I think that that's the new, there's two new things going on in this country that are actually generating income for people.

The legal selling of weed at the state level and nonprofits. Nonprofit is like the new hardware store. Like back in the day, you had to open a store and actually sell shit. Nowadays, you can just start fucking come up with a mirror, a mirror, no, a ribbon, a fucking wristband, a red fucking nose, have people dump ice water over their fucking head, whatever it is. You know, some of them are legit. I got this feeling most of them aren't.

And I kind of feel like if you're old like me and you remember the late 80s when all those televangelists were on TV and they went to like this national fucking level and they just made hundreds of millions of dollars before it all just came out that it was just this giant fucking cash grab. I feel like all those fucking nonprofits, it has to be going in that direction. And how all these sporting sports leagues get in bed with all of these fucking people. I don't know, maybe they have enough money. Maybe they have enough money to keep it silent, but I don't know.

I'm kind of done. I give money to St. Jude's Hospital. That's it. Everything else. I just, I don't have the fucking time to figure out whether or not you're a fucking scam or not because I gave to that wounded warrior shit. I gave so many, I gave so much fucking money. I used to donate like 10% of the shit I made on the advertising to those fucking people.

And then people started sending me these, these articles and the next, you know, they're getting investigated and all that type of shit. And I don't even, I didn't, I just stopped following the story and I just stopped giving them money because I don't, I don't know. I don't know if it's true or not. I don't even fucking want to know. But like, I just feel like the future of helping people out is literally walking up to a wounded warrior, like finding out where the fuck they live and be like, what do you need?

Go out and get it or you raise the money and then you give it to them. But then if I raise it, then do I become one of those people and be like, oh, we have a little bit of overhead. And all of a sudden I have some sick ass drum room and I just bring a fucking box of Band-Aids to a fucking veteran. I mean, that's what seems what all these, I don't know, I'm a cynical son of a bitch. But my new shit is I want to just, I still love doing charities. I love doing benefits.

I did one the other night for like a fucking, it was for like a private school. It's like it's a fucking private school. Like you guys don't need money. It's like, oh, it's for the people who can't afford it. It's like, is it? Who knows what it is? You're just saying what it is and then what? Then all of a sudden they, who gets the money?

Where does it go? Where does that person go? Are they in Tahiti? Are they helping somebody out? Nobody fucking knows. It's brilliant. It's fucking brilliant. I hope that red nose thing is on the label.

It's on the label. It's on the level. Sorry. I didn't get a good night's sleep. You know, those hotel couches, I mean, what they fucking used to be there. I honestly have no idea how much time I've done here. I'm up to like 838 of these seconds here. I'm just going to say there's seconds, right?

Well, let's see here. There's 600 seconds in 10 minutes. So that means there'd be 1800 seconds and a half. There's no fucking way that's only a second. What if it's two seconds? I got to be coming up. I'm going to say it's two seconds. Fuck it.

It's two seconds. So all I got to do is just make it up to 900 and I got another 49 to go. Oh, it's fucking easy. Let's talk a little play up hockey, everybody. Anybody watch, I keep missing just how busy I am. I keep missing that Tampa Bay Pittsburgh series. I caught the end of Game 3 where the Penguins were up and then a game, a couple of right there friends to put it out of reach.

And I fucking sent a buddy of mine in Pittsburgh a text congratulating them because as much as I don't like what the Penguins, cheap shot artists have done to the Bruins, I don't take it to the level that I don't want my friends' teams to win. So I said congratulations. And the second I sent the Tampa Bay scored one, I felt like I jinxed them for half a second, but I've been watching the Blues in San Jose Shacks.

And this is fucking huge tonight for the Blues because San Jose obviously adjusted to whatever the fuck the Blues were doing in Game 1. And so now Blues have to adjust to whatever San Jose was doing because San Jose dominated pretty much wire to wire the last game. And I don't know, it's making me nervous as a total bandwagon Blues band. They obviously got to win this one. That's such a stupid thing to say. Is this one a big one, Bill?

Should they not go down three games to one? You fucking dope. Big shout out to all the soccer fans over there in Europe that got so fucking annoyed at everything that I said and think I shouldn't talk about sports over in Europe. You guys all make a great point because I don't watch them and I don't know anything about them, but what you fail to understand is how much I enjoy irritating the shit

out of people that I'd never met before. So I stand by what the fuck I said. You guys should have some sort of, in the Premier League, you should have a fucking playoff. Playoff? The fact that somebody can win a fucking championship because another team came to it like a tie and like that's it. Just imagine, every fucking movie about soccer is always,

there's the big fucking game, right? And then somebody comes down and scores a goal. It's not like the stars of the movie standing around, waiting for somebody to fucking have a 1-1 tie with somebody. Is this sitting there in fucking street clothes or sitting in an apartment doing jello shots with each other? I don't know, I'm just fucking with you. I don't remember that Sylvester Stallone movie.

Victory ended them with them walking away from the game. Oh no, no, they were gonna do it. They wanted to escape and then they came back because they wanted to beat the guys. And if that was actually based on anything real, the game would have ended and then they would have won. They would have been brought back to the prison camp and they would have been beaten to death.

But instead, what ended up happening was they came back and they beat the Nazis, these prisoners, allied prisoners of war, and then they fucking, they just walked out with the crowd that stormed onto the field and gave them extra clothes and shit. I don't know, I'm sure it was based on a true story but I've seen enough of the Germans and their respect for life outside of their own country.

For people who are non-German, I think that they would have just opened up on the crowd. So I'm calling bullshit. That movie was called Victory, by the way. By the way, it was a great, I actually really enjoyed that movie. But it was when I first got Cable, so who knows. Anyways, is that a half hour? I'm up to 962 seconds or 1800.

I have no fucking idea. You know what? I'm going to find out here because I'm going to have to do the Monday morning podcast like this one also. And my timing will be a little bit better on the next one because I'll know exactly how much time I'm doing. I just don't understand why this fucking thing didn't tell me

how much time. But I'm not going to start hitting buttons, because it's going to be irritating to you if you listen to it on the fucking headphones. So anyways, that's it for the Thursday afternoon podcast. Just checking in on you. Hope you guys have a great weekend. And here's a little bit of music.

And enjoy the clips from podcasts from years gone by. And of course, like fucking can't hear where there it is. So, yeah, that's it for this week's podcast. Thank you so much for watching. I hope you guys enjoyed it. And I'll see you guys next time. Bye. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast. And a gloomy, rainy, depressing Monday morning here in Los Angeles. Probably days are extra depressing out here, because it's usually sunny. And it's what you expect out here. I feel like I'm going to go into a Karen Carpenter song.

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. Really? Is that a reason to stop eating? I don't think it is. Wow. Wow. I just started off real mean, didn't I? Oh, well, shit.

Well, who gives a fuck? It's a gloomy Monday, and I attacked a dead anorexic. How do you like that? That's how I start the Monday morning podcast. So there you go. If you're new to my page, I do one of these every Monday morning. Did I say Monday? Or did I say Monday?

Every Monday morning I do a podcast, and evidently I attack some defenseless dead person. That's how I started off. Only if it's overcast. If it was sunny, I would have a completely different thought. But basically, I do one of these every Monday, and I answer questions that some of my 14 listeners send in. Lately, I've been giving out advice.

People have been asking me advice, and sometimes I ask questions. And hopefully, in the end of it, nobody learns anything, and you know, you've wasted 15 minutes of your life. That's what I'm trying to do. And speaking of wasting 15 minutes of your life, I am actually sitting in my apartment, my little villa, and it really made me sound like I had a pool boy, didn't it? My little villa here, and I'm waiting for a plumber.

And, you know, I don't want to judge a guy, because I never met him, but this motherfucker. This guy was supposed to be here at 9 o'clock in the goddamn morning, all right? It's two minutes past the hour of 10 o'clock. Now, I don't know what time zone you live in, what world you're in, but in my little neck of the woods, 10.02, now it's 10.03.

It just turned on my cable box. It's fucking 10.03. 10.03 is not 9 o'clock. God damn it, I want some answers. I'm going to read a ball, my hand up into a fist, and fucking pound it on my coffee table, like that guy in the Spider-Man comic books. Who's the guy at the Daily Planet?

Jameson, huh? With his fucking... He had such a weird way of going gray, didn't he? Just the side of his head turned white, all the way around, and then on top it was jet black, and he'd always be chomping on a fucking cigar. You know, just... I don't want to tax Stan Lee, but, you know, it's really,

you know, I got it. He's the boss. All right, what am I doing? Okay, all right, let's fucking get back to this. Let's get down to brass tax here, okay? Why am I waiting for a plumber? I'll tell you why I'm waiting for a plumber, because for some reason my sink,

when the water comes out lately, it smells like swamp ass. I don't know what it is. There's definitely a funk coming out of my sink, and it's not coming out of the kitchen sink, so I've ruled out some sort of outside source. Obviously, you know, because it was coming from the street, the main water line, I think it'd be fucking everything.

It'd be coming out of everything, right? Do I have any plumber listeners out there? Can you help me out? Because, evidently, this fuck is not showing up. It's 10-04, and he's still not here. See, you know, this is why the United States of America is starting to lag behind China and all that. I bet in China, when you call a plumber,

48 of them show up at fucking 8.58 begging you. Then you have a wrench. You know what I mean? Somebody just fucking bites down the pipe, and three other guys just start spinning the guy around. You know? But not in America. I gotta wait for this motherfucker to show up.

I'll tell you what sucks, too. I don't know if they act stupid, but that makes it hurt even more. You can't figure out how to fix a sink, and then some guy comes up, you know, with his fucking ass hanging out. He knows how to fix it. That's why I started to become handy, okay?

Because I actually sat down and I analyzed it the other day, and, you know, fixing a sink is not a gift. You know what I'm saying? It's a skill. It's something you learn. Inventing the sink, okay? Or the toilet. Like that guy, Eddie Crapper, or whatever his fucking name was.

He knows his last name was Crapper. Okay? And because of him, we don't have to shit outside. And what thanks does he get? His last name becomes Slaying for taking a dump. Tell me he didn't die a bitter, rich man. Jesus Christ. You know, some people, man, they do such good,

and what do they get out of it, huh? Jesus Christ. I mean, I bet your last name was Crapper. A female in that family could not wait to get married and just get away from that goddamn last name. I mean, they probably took the first thing that came down the pike. That'd be a great thing to Google and go check out.

The amount of women with the last name Crapper that married the first trucker that fucking fingered them on a fucking Tuesday night. Jesus Christ. Just because they were shameful of their maiden name. Which probably led to some sort of child abuse and alcoholism. And that's probably another reason why it's 10-06 and the fucking plumber still isn't here.

I really hope he shows up halfway through this, okay? Because you guys have watched me give this guy a piece in my fucking mind. And I won't curse either, so he can't leave. What is he doing? What's he doing, huh? He's driving. You know, he's got a van.

If you're a carpenter, you've got to pick up. If you're a plumber, you've got a van. You know, because in case it rains, you can't have it going in the pipes and they get all rusted. I don't know why. What is he doing? He's at the Army Navy store buying some more dickies. You know?

What do they do? What do they trade their underwear for their dickies so they're fucking crack at their asses hanging out? 10-07. Okay. Anyways, yeah, so that's the deal. I started to learn how to fix shit, okay? I fixed the leaky faucet the other day,

which is unbelievably easy, but it makes no goddamn sense. You fucking take the handle off, and there's this little rubber stopper with this spring in there. And that's all there is. You take it out and you stick the motherfucker back. You stick a new one in there, and magically, it stops leaking.

I don't get it. It's not like it's in the pipe. I have no idea why it works, but it works. And I went on the Internet. Within three seconds, I learned how to do it, okay? My ass wasn't hanging out of the back of my pants, and I didn't charge somebody fucking $200. And I was on time.

Damn, motherfucker. Okay. So anyways, I do one of these things every single week, and people ask me questions, and I hype up coming gigs, like the fact that I'm gonna be. This week, I'm gonna be at Zanies in Chicago. Actually, downtown Chicago on the 14th and 15th,

on the 16th, I'll be in St. Charles, and on the 17th, I'll be in Vernon Hills, Illinois. And I gotta tell you something. I really, really enjoy doing this gig, especially the downtown Chicago. It's this nice, small... I mean, it looks like a walk-in closet. The place is so small, and I don't know, man.

It's like an old-school comedy club, and all these old comedy photos. They just left them up, like, so take a fucking museum. I love the place, and I always have great shows there. And I'm going to the Cubs game on the 15th, baby! This is like my third or fourth time going to Wrigley Field. You know?

And here I am bitching about a plumber. I really ought to count my blessings here. I'm going to a fucking Cubs game this week. Okay, and continuing on. On the 29th, May 29th through June 1st, I'm making my triumphant return to New York City, Caroline's Comedy Club. I got a whole brand new hour.

Last time I was out there, I taped my one-hour comedy special, which I have information about that I will be giving out later on in this podcast. Huh? Look at me. Look at me teasing it a little bit, making you stick around, huh?

Don't roll your eyes at me. I know what I'm doing. I'm playing the fucking game. Let's see. And what else we got here? And then you go into June, and I actually forgot about this date. I thought I had a couple of weeks off after Caroline's,

but evidently not. I'm going right back out to Raleigh, North Carolina. Good Nights Comedy Club. How the fuck did I have a date there, man? I'm turning 40 on the 10th. I planned on coming home on the 2nd, getting into the fetal position, doing some crunches,

and not eating any carbs until June 10th when I turned 40 goddamn years old. But no, I have to fly across this country and go to Raleigh, North Carolina, the desolate, the frightening Raleigh, North Carolina, the what the fuck happened to the downtown area. You know, it's a beautiful part of the state during the day, Raleigh, North Carolina, downtown.

I'm not talking about NC State. NC State, that place is nice. I actually went there for two semesters in 87 and 88, and I just wanted to know why I only went there for two semesters, go online and Google Bill Burr's fucking NC State fucking transcript, and you'll figure out why I left after that. But the downtown area, that's one of those downtowns

where, you know, you could tell at some point in the past, the history, it was a place, it was hopping, it was jumping. They were making their own moonshine down there, right? And then, you know what happened? You know what, I bet the dreaded Walmart, that's what happened. They built a Walmart,

then they made a mall, the Crabtree Mall. Is that where you guys go? And the whole downtown area, it's a fucking ghost town past 6.01 in the evening, and I'm just left down there. By myself, downtown in the fucking hotel, I hate it. I need people around me, I'm a city person. Goddamn people all fucking leave,

and then I'm down there, and I gotta go out and hail the cab, and all it's left is just homeless people. It's like that fucking, what is that movie? 28 Days, that's what I feel like I'm in. I feel like I'm in a zombie movie. So, if you're working downtown Raleigh and you're gonna go to one of my shows, why don't you hang out at work?

Just hang out at work, and go straight to the club. So when I walk out to get a cab, I can actually see another fucking human being that looks like they don't have hepatitis. All right, and the next gig I have coming up is June 19th through the 21st. I'm gonna be at the Punchline in Atlanta. That's another one of my favorite comedy clubs.

Look at that. Zanies, Carolines, Good Nights, Punchline, Atlanta. I like all of those clubs. I like all of them. They're just good clubs, good, clean, fun, and I'm gonna come in there with my party mouth. June 19th through the 21st, and I don't know, I've been to Atlanta a lot lately, so I'm hoping I'm gonna start to build

the following out there. I always seem to get a good turnout, and I'm gonna be in there for a while before you use sons of bitches. And then after that, you guys, you're on your own. Just go to my website. You can click on it right there. If you're looking at my MySpace page,

I imagine most of you are secretly listening to this in your cubicle, and you've probably reduced the window. Is that what you did? And now you're sitting there looking at... What do you look at in a cubicle, huh? What do you look at in a spreadsheet? Is that some liabilities?

And you're rubbing your chin, as if you're not listening to me? Huh? Well, that's good. You know what? I think that's a good thing. You know what you should do today? You should take a magnet

and run it right down the back of your boss's hardware. Not his hardware, his fucking hard drive. That's what you do. And if he walks into the office, right in the middle of you doing that, what you do is you smile, big open smile, which causes his defenses to go down,

and then you fling that magnet at him like a fucking Chinese star, and you hit him right in the forehead. Now, the great thing about knocking somebody out is as far as I know, as far as my experience with getting knocked out, is you forget the previous three minutes. So as long as you fire that fucking magnet at him,

before the three minutes are up, he won't even remember what happened. But the key is to do it in a manner before he can be like, you know, yell your name and say, what are you doing in this office? You know? Jennifer, fucking whatever,

I'm so bad at coming up with fucking funny names. God damn it, Jennifer, we'll go with Sullivan. There's a fucking basic name. That's why I can't write scripts. The stories are always good, but my fucking name, you know, the hero's name, Joe Smith,

really I'm the worst. So I can never commit crime. Never come up with a good alias. What's your name? Bob. Bob what? Avenue. All right, Robert,

why don't you get in the back of the fucking car? But I didn't do anything. All right, let's get on to the... Have I ever been arrested? Yes, yes I have, yes I have. I have been arrested. Drinking and driving. Back in December of 1989.

And if you'd like to hear more of the story, tune in next week. Oh, wait a minute, what did I say? Oh, I know, that's right. I'm going to tell you guys when my DVD is coming out. But first, we're going to answer some of the questions

that people have asked me. Here's a question. I might have answered it before. Okay, podcast question number 1A. This is how many I have. Actually went into some old emails and I found a bunch of other ones so that I didn't get to.

So who knows? Here we go. Question 1A. Bill, have you ever thought about going to Iraq to entertain the military? I've served in the Gulf War and we like having entertainers come see us. If you have already gone,

what was it like for you? You would fucking kill. No, I have not. I have not gone over there for the simple... You know, the only way I would go over there is if I went through six weeks of boot camp first, like you did, and they taught me how to fucking kill somebody.

You know what I'm saying? That's like not knowing how to swim and then doing a fucking... you know, entertain some people on a tugboat during choppy water. You know what I mean? To be honest with you, I would love to go to Iraq,

but I'd love to go over there when it was fucking peaceful and experience the culture over there when there are no insurgents. Yeah, that's the thing. I know they fly into the fucking base and I'm surrounded by a bunch of Marines and that type of shit,

but I've just watched too many Will Smith movies where he's the only guy left. I don't know how to fire a gun, so I don't have that kind of balls. Like Bob Hope went all over Vietnam with a fucking golf bag in an umbrella. I guess he never died, right? Maybe that should be...

I know a chaos theory. I don't think you get killed on the base, but I'd be one of those guys, yeah. Fucking, you know, the plane I was in would get shot. In some way, even the plane would survive, but I'd fall at the bottom through the goddamn...

Look, I'll entertain the troops, okay? I've done it a bunch of times, but I've done it over here. I don't do away games. I'm like Roger Clements when he played for the Astros, okay? I'm on steroids, I'm cheating on my wife,

and I don't fucking pitch in Iraq. I'll be honest with you, I'm terrified to go over there. There you go, okay? That's why you're a fucking Marine, and I'm a civilian, and I respect you, and you know, I'll fucking...

You can listen to these podcasts in Iraq. You know what I mean? What are my fucking Chuck Norris? Look at me getting all the fences, because I don't have the balls to go over. Yeah, that's basically it. Yeah, I don't want to go over there, and then somehow get kidnapped

and end up being, you know, walking back and forth gently in an orange jumpsuit. Is there, you know, is there a reading shit about Allah, and then they saw my fucking head off, and I'm really sitting there going like, you know, why did I come over here?

Okay, moving on. Question number one, that was 1A, okay? Did you do a voice on Grand Theft Auto 4? There was a biker dude that sounds just like you. If it wasn't you, you got to check it out.

Actually, yes, I did. I did do a voiceover on that, and it was a big thrill to do that, and I got to give a big thanks to Lazlo for hooking me up, and Jimmy Norton for hooking me up with the Opie and Anthony show, because that's how I met Lazlo,

and that's how I got in there to do the voiceover. Yeah, that works. Question number two, I noticed you have Strike Force MMA in your top friends. I was wondering, who are a couple of your favorite MMA fighters?

That's just a friend I accepted, and then I guess they switched their picture. Mixed martial arts. I don't know, I do watch the... I watch... What do I watch? I watch the UFC fights. I watch their reality show,

which of course I can't remember the name of, The Ultimate Fighter, this season where they have to fight their way just to get into the house, and what the fuck's his name there? The Junkyard Dog. I'm getting them fucking confused

with old-time wrestlers. Who's the guy who knocked out Chuck Lydell? The fucking guy who goes, oh, and then kicks the shit out of you. Where's the chain and shit, beats the fuck out of people? Randy Jackson? Yeah, and then the other guy with the fucking

you don't want to fuck with me, cauliflower ears. You know, I actually have a theory that if you don't even need to get the black belt, if you just have somebody box your ears and you get those cauliflower ears, no one's gonna fuck with you in a box. Because they just look at those fucked up ears,

those exploded vegetable ears, and they're just like, that guy could fucking snap my neck, choke me out, and give me the Superman punch with a flying knee all at the same fucking time. Did I even answer the question? Who are some of my favorite ones?

I liked Matt Sarah. I love the shit he talked about. What's the space? What's St. Pierre? That's the kind of shape I would like to be in for my 40th birthday, that evidently I'll be contemplating in downtown Raleigh, North Carolina.

All right, you know what? This podcast is starting to seem long, so let me blow through these next fucking questions. All right, number three. Bill, did you hook up with any of the stewardesses at the airport from last week's podcast? Oh, yeah, yeah, I hooked up with all three of them, and we had to fucking force them right out in the open.

You know? And that didn't violate any new fucking Patriot Act. No, I didn't, and thanks for bringing that up, okay? I don't know. I was gonna go up and say what's up to them, but there was something about their blue pantyhose that just I really found it intimidating.

Question number four. I was wondering since you're such a big, such a bug sports fan, a big sports fan, what is your best sports memory from your childhood? Well, fuck that. Let's go with something funnier then. How about, here's my best,

my best, well, okay, here's a good sports memory. When the New England Patriots beat the Los Angeles Raiders, what was it, 1985? The year we got destroyed in the Super Bowl. We were a wild card, and that's why we beat the Jets, and then the next week we beat, look at me with the memory,

we beat the Jets, and then we beat the Raiders, and I went down to the airport in Providence, Rhode Island, and it was like me, and like only 70 other people at this point, you know, and we met up all the players as they got off the plane. All the old school guys, Julius Adams, I remember somebody reaching over

and slamming him really hard on his shoulder, like hitting him way too hard, and he fucking looked at me like I did it, and I was like, oh, it wasn't me, it was the guy behind me, but that was the first time I saw a bunch of athletes up close. Tony Eason, completely expressionless, I remember he was wearing a Butterscotch members-only jacket, I swear to God,

and he looked like he was on his way to Home Depot, and right then I should have known that he was gonna get crushed in the Super Bowl, but I would say that, you know what, Bruins games, the first Bruins games I went to, the Boston Garden, I used to always go to Bruins Canadians, I actually went to that bench clearing brawl.

If you go on YouTube, it's the one where Chris Nyland, was that the game where he hit Rick Middleton in the teeth with the stick, and then as he was walking off, that's right, he walked off the ice, and then he pushed Ken Linsman, who chased him down, and next thing you know, there was a bench clearing brawl, and Terry O'Reilly and his suit was grabbing onto somebody

and never in our court, that was good time. All right, I'm just babbling here. I'm just waiting for my plumber. 10-23, motherfucker's still down here. Okay, wow, I'm getting bored with myself here. Number five, what do you think of the comedy genre anti-humor? Like the type by Neil Hamburger and Ted, I don't know those guys, I watched them,

and they seem funny to me, you know? I don't know, it's not anti-humor, is it? I don't know, who gives a fuck, all right. I was watching one of these, and who's throwing food at you? I already answered that, that's a donut. It's a donut hole. You see the video on my page, it was a group of people, they were advertisers,

they all worked at the same place, I started trashing them, and they threw a donut hole at me, and evidently I didn't give a fuck. Number seven, when you have these horrible thoughts about people, are you able to keep your face stoic? Mine wrinkles up, and I don't notice until the person looks at me. If so, how do you play it off? No, I'm usually cursing, like what I think is under my breath,

but out loud, and then they look right at me. I literally walk through like an airport go, and look at this fucking guy, what kind of shirt is that? I think I'm kind of doing it in my head or whispering, but I'm saying it loud enough that they look right at me, and then I look away, which is pretty pathetic. Okay, which is, you know what, this podcast is getting pathetic, too long, let's get to the thing.

Okay, my DVD, the big announcement, is going to be coming out in September of 2008, and my DVD, my one hour special, will also be shown on Comedy Central in September of 2008. So I have all summer to write some new jokes, which I already have, I already got a whole new hour. So all right, this podcast, how many minutes is this? Yeah, this podcast is really fucking long,

and I didn't even get to half the shit I wanted to talk about. I want to tell you guys how I was back to drinking Budweiser. I've come full circle. Actually, I started off with Micoloblite, then it quickly went to Budweiser, and then throughout the years I switched to vodka, then I ended up with fucking Johnny Walker Black, and now I'm right back to Budweiser again,

and I guess that was the moment after Johnny Walker Black where I was supposed to admit that I had a problem and stopped cold turkey, but evidently I'm going to run the cycle all over again, and go back and start dating some of the same psychos that I dated. You know what, next week I'll tell you the story about me getting a wretza for drinking and driving. Back in fucking June, no, December of 1989,

I was on my way back from Boston College to go watch the Patriots play fucking the Los Angeles Rams. As I had season tickets, who knew they were going to be 5 and 11? Anyways, so that's the podcast. You know what, it started off fucking, it started off strong. I was thrashing the art of plumbing and a dead Karen Carpenter, and then it just sort of tapered off, you know, and I don't want to happen.

I should have fucking quit while I was ahead. But anyways, thanks to everyone who listens to these podcasts. I really appreciate it, and if you would actually, you know something, if you enjoy my podcast, would you please let people know about them? Because, you know, I burn up a lot of minutes every week on my fucking cell phone. I'm getting brain cancer, and I'm talking to like 15 people.

And I'd like to break 20. If I could get it up to 20 people before June 10th when I turned 40, that would make me feel a whole lot better. All right, so thanks to everybody who has been listening, and sorry to all the Karen Carpenter fans. I'm sorry to people who are plumbers. Actually, you know what? I'm not sorry. Okay, I'm not fucking sorry, because one of your...

I'll be sorry when some of you guys from the Plumbers Union have a little talk in two. It's 10-20 fucking seven. I started this podcast at 10-03, so there's a 24-minute podcast. I was hoping that the guy was going to walk in during the middle of it. We could have a little reality show moment,

but he didn't. You know what probably happened. He walked up halfway through the stairs and heard me bitching about fucking plumbers on my podcast, and didn't hear me talking to anybody, so he thought I was crazy, or I was berating my wife, my non-existent wife. Oh, God, look at the gloom.

Look at the fucking gloom out the window. All right, that's it. So please come out and see me in Chicago with Zaneys this week, or Caroline's in New York City at the end of the month, or at Good Nights in Raleigh, North Carolina, or Punchline in Atlanta, Georgia next month. All right, you motherfuckers. I have a CD up on iTunes called Emotionally Unavailable,

the Expanded Edition. Why don't you go there, buy it, buy it for a friend, buy it for a plumber. Fucking break the CD in half, stab him in his jugular, he's late, and that's it. That's the Monday Morning Podcast. I'll talk to you next week. I'll see you then.

I'll see you then. I'll see you then. I'll see you then. I'll see you then. I'll see you then. I'll see you then. I'll see you then. I'll see you then.

I'll see you then.