Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-19-22
00:00Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon justbefore Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. What's goingon? How are you? You know, usually I start my podcast. You know what I mean? I juststart riffing. I fuck around or whatever. But this podcast is different. I've been givinginstructions. It says, Bill, please mention dates are going on sale Friday morning atthe top of the podcast. It is the top of the podcast. We've added a second leg of the BillBurr Slight Return Fall 2022 Tour. Tickets are on sale now or on Friday, I should say.You get your tickets at billburr.com slash tour. And we added a bunch of dates too. I
00:52got to be honest with you. Some of the cities that we've added here, I mean, these are justthe fun ones. It's a couple that I haven't been to in a long time. And one or a couplethat I've never, never even done stand-up in. So real quickly, starting September 8th,this is right through to December 17th. I'm going to read off all the cities. This islike back in the day. If you're old, when you'd be watching the news in the morning,right after your paper route, and they'd be announcing all the schools that didn't haveschool because of snow. All right. Tulsa, Oklahoma, Houston, Texas, Dallas, Texas,Washington, D.C., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Louisville, Kentucky, Bloomington, Indiana.
01:32Got to go to that one if you're anywhere near. I'm playing in the Hoosier Dome. I think it's,no, Hoosier Dome's where the Colts play, where the Indiana Hoosiers play, where I saw BobbyKnight in the Indiana Hoosiers, coached the Indiana Hoosiers against the soon-to-be NCAAchampions that year, Michigan State. It was amazing watching him coach and all that. Hemade me feel better about my temperament. I can tell you that because as big a temperI have, I got nothing on that guy. That guy was, he was impressive. He was impressive.Into October, I have Cincinnati, finally making up Windsor, Ontario, Minneapolis, Minnesota.I was just up there. I did a casino. There's another juicy Lucy there. And Des Moines,
02:16Iowa. I haven't been to Des Moines in forever. I'm a big fan of Iowa. I'm hoping that theIowa Hawkeyes got a game, so I can finally check that one off the list. Maybe the MinnesotaGolden Gophers. I can get something up there. I haven't been to a big 10 game out that way.And you know, being a drummer, loving Slipknot and all of that, it was funny when Joey Jordansonrested his soul. I remember, I never understood, I used to do a joke when I would, when I wouldgo to Iowa and I would talk about how, you know, I never understood the anger of Slipknotuntil I went to Iowa in February, you know, and it was fucking freezing out and all thecrops were cut down. The sky was overcast and it was just meeting that barren earth.
03:08I mean, it was literally like a lunar landscape. And I was just like, I would go out of myfucking mind out here. But it's beautiful in the summer.Into November, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Chicago, Illinois, Peoria, Illinois, the birthplaceof the greatest who ever did it, Richard Pryor, Madison, Wisconsin, Reading, Pennsylvania.And then I'm going to Florida, Jacksonville, Florida, Orlando, Florida and a place, I don'teven know where this is, Estero, Florida. Never been there. Boise, Idaho to start offDecember. Haven't been there in forever. Salt Lake City, Colorado Springs. Then I end theyear, New Orleans, New Orleans, Austin, Texas, San Antonio, Texas. So that is going to be
03:59fucking fun. There's not one city in there that I'm not excited to go to. All right.And I know people shit on fucking cities or whatever. I like going to all those, all thoseones, you know, people shit on Jacksonville, Florida. Last time I went down there, I wentto a fucking gun range. I ate alligator and I went to a fucking Jacksonville Jaguars gameagainst the Cincinnati Bengals. And I had a fucking blast. All right. I didn't go downthere and try to get some plant based fucking shit burger, you know, and then go take afucking liquid dump in a general neutral bathroom over there. I, that's something I do in Hollywood.But I'm Jacksonville. I'm like, give me a goddamn Gators fucking sandwich. And I would love
04:46to shoot that 50 caliber. Thank you very much. And then when I asked for earplugs, they knowI'm from fucking, I'm not from LA, but I got the LA vibe. You know what I mean? I got ona spray tan. I got my shirt fucking, you know, unbuttoned down to my, my pasty navel, youknow, bringing that producer vibe. That's what I do. I like going to those offbeat.cities people don't go to. I like to go there and look down on people and go to a nearbywatering hole and talk loudly about how great where I live is versus not. I don't do thatshit fucking with you. Anyways, so those tickets go on sale. And I am, I don't know, I'm reallyexcited to go out to all of those places and see how the new act comes together. You know,
05:38because I have a special coming out. So I have no pressure, especially hasn't even come out yet.So I don't have an other than to replace the old material. There's no pressure of like,when's the next one coming out, man? It's coming out. It's shot. It's ready to go. The powers thatbe have to decide when, but me, old freckles, I can just put my comedy fucking shoes up, right?And, you know, just have fun, have fun trying to put together the new thing. I'll tell you this,the shoes that I've seen over the years and stand up comedy. You know, when I first started,it was the tail end of the 80s, boom, fallout. So there was still mullets. There was still peoplewith sport coats, with the sleeves pulled up, still doing the Miami vice thing. This is seven
06:32years after Don Crockett and the other guy, whatever, whatever his character's name was,made that look famous. This is seven years later, they were still rocking that. And a lot of themwho still rocked that look, that jokes were still from 1985, right? So for some reason,if you dress like that, you stop writing jokes during the second season of Miami vice.If you had pigment, there was a lot of loafers with no socks.There was some silly socks. And the guys that were more hip, I swear to God,they kept, the star search look was in big. It was a big look when I first started thepaisley shirts, the puffy pants with like the fucking, what do you call it, pleated slacks
07:19that would fan out to show that, you know, that would hide the fact that you didn't do your fuckinglegs, no squats, and then they would taper down in around your legs, around your ankles,in case you decided to moonwalk, to close out your set. And then the more, the more rugged,I don't give a fuck bar hack guys, they had acid wash jeans. And then like all white,like Reebok, those fucking those Reebok said everybody had, it was weird, they were likechick shoes, but then like guys who knew how to fight and fuck cheerleaders somehow got awaywith wearing them. And you wanted to say that those sneakers are chick sneakers, but you didn'twant to take the ass kicking. So you didn't, you just kind of, you know, watch them go by like,
08:08hey, how you doing? And then they would walk by and then it'd be like, dude, he's got the samesneakers on his fucking Suzy fucking firm tits over there. What's going on with that?And that was an actual name of somebody I went to high school with Suzy firm tits.I think they were from Finland. Anyway, and then somewhere along the line, sneakers went fromwhite, that's not how long I've been doing it. They went from white to black. And now all theseyears later, they kind of coming back to white again. And it's sort of like, it's a real weirdtime right now, where I remember when baggy clothes came in. Yeah, that's right, grunge started.So there was all of that, you know, that flannel shit. All of that was coming out. And me and my
08:55friends were all laughing, going like, dude, we've been wearing fucking flannels for years.Now these are like in style. This is like shit you used to wear when you landscaped. All of asudden that was in that was in because so Seattle bands where they were men of the people.And they wanted to let you know. So they would go up there and they would act like they justgot done fucking, you know, edge in a driveway, right? Or a walkway, whatever you do. By the way,one of my guilty pleasures is I actually follow a guy on Instagram who power washes and edges,like walkways up to people's houses. I don't know why I love that shit so much. I just remembergrowing up. We never really had the nice, yeah, you know, when I was younger, we never did. First
09:45of all, nobody had a nice show. There was one family that had a nice yard when I was living up onthe North Shore. There was one family and I remember we used to look like they actually had a fuckingridiculously green and things. The only guy who gave a fuck about his yard in the neighborhoodand he had he had a brick on a house. What went up, right? And he had likethe greenest fucking lawn I had ever seen and it was edged perfectly, edged the way everybody'syard seems to be edged. But back I remember seeing that and we all thought like, oh my god,those people are fucking rich. Like look at that. Like everybody else's fucking grass just grew.There was all kinds of all kinds of that that that fucking crab grass in there. The shit grew
10:40over the walk. driveway was filthy acorns and pebbles and all of this shit, you know,snowplow would come in and fucking take a chunk out during the winterand it just stayed that way. But these people they're fucking law that their driveway wasblack top, which is hilarious. That's just you just basically coloring in old asphalt,but it was black topped. They had the perfect perfect fucking grass and the edge. I nevertold you guys back in the day I lived up on the North Shore. The North Shore says the North Shoreand the South Shore. We were up north when I was really young. And I remember there was these kidsup the street. This is pre X games. And they would take they'd still a piece of plywood
11:25because they were building houses was very over the edge. If you ever saw that movie like new housingproject was just being added down the street, they just blew out the woods and they just keptbuilding houses. And they would get like a piece of plywood. That's all it was. Piece of plywood.And then they would get some spare tires. They put like two down, they would lean it against it.And then they would ride down on their regular ass bikes. This is before BMX, just regular bikes.Shit, you got a child world. Child world pre Toys R Us. And they would fucking jump on thesethings and land. And what would happen inevitably was somebody would try to, you know, theybeing guys, they try to top each other and keep adding more tires, more tires, they added the
12:12more severe the angle was, the faster they would be riding. And then eventually the plywood wouldfucking snap and someone would get get fucked up. And I used to just sit on the hill and watchhim. You know, it was a big fucking hill. And it was a thing like back then where it was like,like big kids. This is like that. This was the beginning of like all of that shit forefforts for family. If you ever saw it, it was from that neighborhood. Andme, my, my, my best friend from back then, we would just sit on the hill and we would watch him.And we always made sure that we didn't get too close. Because if he got too close, they eitherbeat the shit out of you, or they'd make you get on a bike and go do it yourself. So you always
12:53knew with like big kids, you always knew that they were doing something cool, but you wanted to makesure you gave yourself enough of a head start or like be up a hill so you could get the fuck awayfrom them. Because they were assholes. They were fucking assholes. Let me tell you a story why Igot like, I got a cowboy outfit for my birthday. I couldn't have been more than like six years old.And my mother dressed me up in this thing, right? Cowboy hat with the little band-danishtied it around my neck. And then I had a holster, right? And they had this, and it came with onegun with the mother of pearl handle, right? A six shooter. It was all plastic, but I couldn'tbelieve it. I was so psyched. And she sent me outside dressed like that. And I didn't even
13:41make it to the end of the driveway because kids just fucking roamed around. They were just outthere, the whole neighborhood. They just like parenting back then was go outside. Just go out.You just went outside. They did the same thing with pets. There was no fucking leash laws.They just let their fucking dog out. And when the thing came home, they fed it. And that was it.So we were fucking, I don't know. So she sends me outside.And yeah, I basically made it to the end of the driveway. And then this one dude who was like,sometimes cool, sometimes not, dependent on who he was hanging out with. And then he was with hisother kid who's always a douche. Fucking hated that kid. Still hate that kid.
14:29And I'm not gonna say any fucking names. They came up the street. They saw me and they justwalked right over. And I know there was three of them. I can't remember who the other kid was.I think he was that other rich kid down the street. They had the Apollo three speed withthe slick fucking tire on the back. I couldn't believe it. They had a fucking motorcycle,except it was a bicycle. That's how you would judge it back then in the early 70s,what your lawn looked like and the kind of bicycle you bought your son.Um, so anyway, I got to the end of the fucking driveway and I'm thinking I'm looking all cool.And I remember that on again, off again kid walked right up, took the gun out of my fucking
15:08holster and just fucking like Gronkowski spiked it into the street and it shattered into a millionpieces. The handle did. So I guess the rest of the gum must have been metal. And then him and hisfriends walked away laughing and I just picked it up and I walked inside and I handed it to mymother and she goes, what happened to your gun? And I just said, big kids. And that was it.She should have asked me who did it. I was young enough. Well, we've been all right. If I rattedthem out, I could have got another fucking gun, but I didn't. I just said big kids and she justsaid it on the counter and I sat down and I was all sad and she made me a sandwich and that was it.No cell phone video, no fucking Facebook, Twitter, fucking whatever the hell you guys are on now,
16:03TikTok classroom, coming to the stage, whatever that shit is that you guys are on.I like that social media is kind of slowed the fuck down where it was like my space and thenFacebook and then Twitter and then fucking Vine, then that other fucking thing and then fuckingInstagram and somewhere along the way. It was just like, all right, Twitter's not going away.Facebook's not going away. Instagram's not going away. All right. Everybody can keepfucking jumping around and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but at the end of the fucking day,you're coming back to these. I mean, what's wrong with Instagram? Who the fuck leaves Instagram?I mean, Instagram is the shit. I mean, what do you want to look at?
16:50Everything from ass and titties to old cars, guitars, fucking animals killing each other.I don't know. I don't know what else you need. So anyway,that same kid that was on again, off again, cool. I do remember when they were puttingthe pool in at his house, we were watching them and the guys had fucking put the concrete inand they were sitting there like with those things, smoothing it out and they were in like thedeep end, which makes me wonder how the fuck they would have got out. And one of the big kidsdared me to throw a rock into it and I wanted their approval. So I did it. I picked up thisrock and I just fucking threw it. It's a big fucking, but, you know, I want to say it was
17:38the size of a softball, but I was a little kid, but it was a significant size rock.I just threw it there. The guy just stopped and he looked up and he goes, you throw that?I just went, yes. And he goes, get the fuck out of here.And I walked away, but I achieved what I wanted to do. I made the big kids laughand the next couple of times they saw me, they didn't beat me up. So that was all right. Didn'tbreak any of my toys. COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVIDand no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our communitydeserves better, better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to
18:26our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted. Find out more we can do at covid-resources.orgor call 877-904-5097. Anyways, let's do some, let's do some of the reads here.Celtic's lost game one. If you're living under a rock like me, I missed all of that game. I mightmiss game two because I'm doing shows this weekend, but I'll definitely be in there for game three.I know my Amy's a tough team there. And who's the kid who? I think Golden State's the oddson favorite. Who the, I don't know who they're playing in the Western Conference finals. Allright, look at, look who it is everybody. It's masterclass. You know, with masterclass,you can learn from the world's best minds anytime, anywhere, and at your own pace. Learn to BBQ
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22:23care of it. Go to getroman.com slash burr today. Hey, off all these broads can go out and getBotox in their face. Why can't you fucking do a little smoothie smooth with one of them swipesthere to get your dick to salute the flag again? Go to getroman.com slash burr today. And if you'veprescribed and if you're prescribed to get $15 off your first month of erectile dysfunctiontreatment, make sure you're ready to have confidence and control this fall. Roman ready.Why this fall? You going to take the summer off? I mean, that's, that's big time bangin' time,isn't it? The summer? That's why there's so many goddamn kids born in like April.So everybody's running around with no fucking clothes on. Telling you keep running around like
23:07that. You're going to get pregnant. That's what they used to say. Is that battle still going on?These fucking idiots on the right. Jesus Christ. Who gives a shit if you think it's the taking of alife? How much harder does the world have to get? There's seven billion of us by all means. Don'tbring any more here. I understand if you think it's killing a baby. You know what I mean? I get it.How do you know that baby's going to be a good person? You ever think of that?Over there on the fucking, over there on the right. Or maybe on the left. There's a lot of people onthe left. That's another thing too. That's, that's the dirty secret, the dirty secret of the left.Is there's people on the left that they, you know, they're not going to say don't do it.
23:56All right. But they, they view it the same way people on the right do minus telling other peoplenot to do it. Okay. I view abortion the way I view heroin. Okay. It's not something I would do,but I'm not going to tell you not to do it. Okay. Listen, God put heroin on this planet for a reason.Okay. And maybe just maybe he put strip malls on this planet for another reason. Okay. I'm justsaying. All right. I'm fucking with you. I don't, I don't give a shit about any of that stuff as faras telling you what the fuck to do. All right. Someone shouldn't tell you to get a goddamn,I don't know what prostate exam or to wear a mask, whatever your fucking causes.I love everybody who fucking walks around. They don't want people telling them what to do,
24:49you know, but then whenever there's a fucking problem in society, they didn't look at governmentand they tell them to fix it. I mean, make up your mind. Do you want fucking parents or do youwant to move out? You know, you want to be fucking snake, Plisken? What do you want to live in 1984?That's my question. All right. Abortion. What should I look up here?Abortion clinic near me. Abortion news. Let's look up news. It's going to be some angry peoplescreaming. All right. Here we go. Democratic witness tells house committee, men can get pregnant,have abortions. All right. I don't even need to click on that. What do you mean men can getpregnant? What the fuck are they talking about? This is just, I don't know, as a lefty, I don't
25:41understand. Well, you know what? It is the extreme left. You know what I mean? It's like, I'm a fanof sports. I'm a big fan of sports, but I don't call in sports. Do I gotta tell you guys how muchI love and hate a fucking smartphone? I swear to God, it's got so many goddamn shortcuts,but you don't know what anything is. I barely touch the side of the thing and it stops thefucking recording. Now, what the hell was I talking about? Jesus Christ. I just, I was talking aboutabortion. Then I was talking about the extreme people on the left. Oh, sports fans. Yeah,like I would never call in sports talk radio. I mean, I guess I'm glad people do.I'm glad there's people that go before like the fucking Senate or whatever, a house committee,
26:31and tell them that a man can get pregnant. A man cannot get pregnant.We're not born with a womb over there unless, I will tell you this in the future, that's gonnahappen because they can already grow like an ear and a petri dish. The shit that they can do isfucking unbelievable. So basically, what, what, when, when modern medicine becomes, you know,gas monkey garage, and you could basically do a body off restoration and do a chipfoos thing where you're combining different errors, except you'd combine different genders.There's going to be like women pressuring them and used to be to get a vasectomy. Now, it'sgoing to be, why don't you get a woman? Why don't you carry this fucking thing around?
27:23You know what I mean? I love how women bitch about that all the fucking time. They bitch the guysabout it. It's like, don't talk to us. Talk to the good Lord. The good Lord made you that way. Ididn't. What the fuck are you yelling at me for? I mean, I agree with you. Sounds like it sucks.By the way, good luck with that. That's a, I just love how when women are going through shit,like men have to care about it too, as if they give a fuck what we're going. They don't give ashit. They really don't. They don't give a fuck. That's why, you know, I, you know, I love womenindividually, but as a group, when they start bitching, I just can't stop heckling them.It's just too much fun. I don't know what it, I bet it's not really a woman thing.
28:14You know, a bunch of Star Wars fans get together. How do you not say something bad?Yeah, why don't you grow up? You know,your childhood's over, man, right? Childhood's over as I'm still talking about Apollo three speeds.You know, yeah, I know people in the NBA playoffs, so I bitch about the fucking lack of defense. It'sjust, I'm a cunt. All right. I am a cunt. Wait a minute. Do I need to transition? All right.Anyway, that's the podcast here. I'm looking forward to watching the NBA playoffsand congratulations to the New York Rangers with that overtime win. I've been missing somuch of this, this playoff hockey condolences out to the fucking Toronto Maple Leaf fans once again.
28:58My God. Oh, he vey, oh, he vey, oh, he vey, but they are still not considered cursedbecause they live in Canada and they like to pretend they're nice to one another. Sothey don't, they don't comment people like that despite the fact that the Rangers were consideredcursed and they went 54 years. All right. The Toronto Maple Leafs have now gone 55 years,sank on sank, sank on sank on, right? Is that what you said? 55 fucking years without winning it.Lyndon Johnson was still president. It was before he said, I will not seek,nor I will, nor will I accept the Democratic nomination for president, right?It was before that, before we walked on the moon or pretended to walk on the moon.
30:01All right. I mean, before a whole bunch of assassinations,this is before, I mean, you think of the shit that's happened at 55 fucking years.Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter,Ronald Reagan, George Bush, Bill Clinton, George Bush Jr.,Obama, Trump, Jojo, Jojo Biden, Jojo, over here, over here. You're giving a speech. Come on, buddy.Come over here. Worst speech ever. Yeah, it's fucking bananas. So that's my thing. That's whyI root for them every fucking year. If the Bruins are out of it, or if the Bruins are playing them,I won't root for them. But other than that, I have to fucking root for those guys. All right,
30:51that's it. That's the end of this shit. Anyway, I'm on my way to Tampa, Tampa, Florida,which means I got to go down to Ebor City at some point, get myself a cigar,and then I go over to West Palm Beach or some shit after that. I'm going to have a good time,little bingo-bango in and out, gone, and then I fly back to bingo-bango. What's that? I wasto Rose's front with the fucking beer and the shot. Bingo-bango. Anyways, I go all the way. I go back to LA.And then that's it. Is this Memorial Day? No, Memorial Day is next weekend. Nice.Nice, nice baby. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. All right, Memorial Day weekend. That's right.We remember all the troops that fought in all the wars so we could buy flat screen TVs
31:42and drink like fish on Memorial Day weekend. Don't ever forget. All right, don't ask, don't tell.Go get yourself a womb and get pregnant so you can complain like a woman. All right,sorry, fucking around. All right, that's it. God bless you, especially all the women out there.You're so strong and brave. All right, that's it, everybody. Have a great weekend, your cunts,and listen to the music by the great Andrew Thamelis, and then there'll be a bonus episodeof the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. See ya.Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 19th,2014. Biometric pressure outside is about... Welcome. Welcome to another edition of this.
33:32I don't know what the fuck it is. It's a goddamn podcast. All right, what are you doing right now?Are you at the gym? That's what somebody told me recently. You always think we're at cubicles.We're not in cubicles. Some of us are on treadmills. So a lot of people on treadmills.You're running at this point. You're just starting. Are you just starting on your treadmills?On your treadmill, I should say, unless you're running on more than one. Are you that douche?Is the douche, the treadmill douche in the gym right now? You know that person who, for some reason,do you burn more calories when you go backwards? You know? Or is that some sort of mating ritualwhere you get your balls sent, fucking blown the other way, and that somehow attracts the women
34:15on the elliptical behind you? I don't know what it is. You ever see these fucking jerk-offs?They run backwards, then they go sideways, because they're going to have a lot of lateral movementin the fucking office. You never know when the boss is going to call an audible and start pointingto your side of the fucking cubes, right? Like you're turning around, yelling at a corner back,down in the fucking break room. What are you running sideways for? Why are you running backwards?You fucking douche, and then you fall and you break your tailbone. And who do you sue?Huh? Chicago fitness? Whatever the fuck you at? Whatever the fuck you at? Whatever the fuck you'reat? Sorry. All right. You know what? I have to admit something, and I have to apologize to the
35:01people of Chicago. When I pictured somebody in Chicago running backwards, I pictured, you know,a fat guy with a mustache and a bear's hat. You guys really have never outlived that sketch in my,I guess, in my world. You know, da bears, and I know nobody says that there. They might say aversion of it, but nobody says that. But for me, you guys are always going to be those guys.I mean, you probably shouldn't give a fuck what I think, but you know, somewhere,somewhere there's somebody in Chicago that does give a shit. You give a shit. You know what youguys need to do to lift just fucking self-esteem out there with that whole second city horseshit?The next generation of babies that are born and instead of telling them it's Lake Michigan,
35:44just tell them it's an ocean, Michigan ocean or some shit. And maybe you'll have the arroganceof someone who lives on the coast and people will start taking you seriously.What are you going to say right now, Chicago? Huh? Oh, what about our Chicago Blackhawks talking?You're not controlling finance like they are in New York City. How many old people are youstealing from in Chicago right now? The way they are in downtown Manhattan. I'm just fucking withyou. I know Chicago is one of the most corrupt fucking cities out there. You got to give itrespect. Overtly racist, fucking with the finance, home of some of the fucking top mob guys throughouthistory. And they got the Chicago Blackhawks who I will tell you, I don't think anybody's
36:31fucking stopping them, but I'll get to that later. If you're the banging downstairs,as you said, that's slowly, but surely I'm getting the fucking house repaired. I know what youthink about it. Jesus Christ, the fuck speaking of Lake Michigan, when did that water pour intoyour house? That was like over a year ago. Yes, it was. And it fixed the upstairs, but the downstairswas built like a fucking tree fort. So what I decided to do was rather than just rebuild whatthe fuck was there, I decided to knock it all out and start from scratch and build what thefuck should have been there. And if anybody knows me and they look at the dick jokes in my act,you can tell the level of quality that I expect from that job downstairs. Hey, is the podcast
37:17loud enough right now? Everybody complains, make my fucking ears hurt right now. How loud I havethis turned up. I think I have it down. I don't know what the fucking deal is. I hope it's notgoing to be overly loud, but every week somebody goes, dude, I can't even fucking hear the thing.So anyways, this was my week. I guess I got to talk about NHL first, because the first thingbefore all the bullshit is I watched my bot, my boss, you boys, absolutely fucking blow itagainst the Montreal Canadians. I'm just going to pause here for all the effeminate French guysclapping their hands together like they're playing patty cake with themselves, you know, with yourcolorful socks. Unbelievable that that was so fucking embarrassing to lose that series.
38:11It was so fucking like the way we lost it. It's not embarrassing to lose to the Canadians,it sucks, but that was the first time in a long time. I'm going to go back to the 80s that I feltthat it like embarrassed turning point in the series. I'm going to say Sean Thornton spraying thewater at fucking PK Subon. Why would you do that? Why would you fucking do that? For those of youdon't watch hockey, we were down two games to one and they won the first game. So immediately we losthome, home ice advantage, whatever the fuck that means, right? So we went game two. Now it's one,one, we go into their building, they win game two, they're holding serve. So we come in, we got towin game four. We fucking win it. Game five. Can we take control of the fucking series? We win game
38:58five. As Paul Verzi told me, Joe Tory said the two most important games to win in a seven game series,he felt was game two and game five, which totally makes sense because if you lost game one, youhave to win game two or else you got to win for the next five. You got to even that motherfucker,right? And then game five, you win game five. All you got to do is win one of two. You lose gamefive, you got to win six or seven. Bill, it's simple math. Well, believe it or not, some people don'tknow it. So we win game five. There's two and a half minutes to go. They're dejected. The Canadiansare dejected. They had the series by the fucking proverbial balls over there and they let theBruins right back in it and now they're on the verge of fucking elimination. So what do we do?
39:44What do we do? Fuckheads that we were. One of the people on our team decides to not onlyfor no fucking reason, spray water at not only somebody on the other team, their best fuckingplayer, the player that the other people probably rally around because he's fucking the best guyin the fucking team. We spray water in his goddamn face. The dumbest fucking thing. You ever rememberthose old Batman episodes in the 1960s where they'd have the guy off Batman and Robin? Is thisfor our K-procedures? But they will look like they were fucking dead and the bad guy always didfucked it up somehow. That was the moment right there. That was the fucking moment. He sprays itin there. So then you knew. You knew they were going to come out like gangbusters. I said it last
40:35week. I didn't think that they were going to win game six. I didn't think we'd get pummeled forgames, four goals to four to nothing. That's what happened. They completely dominated wire to fuckingwire, dominated that fucking game. So then we go down to game seven and I didn't have a vibe.Either way, are we going to win or are we going to lose? I didn't know. But it's not like the old dayswhen the Canadians fucking owned us. They don't. They haven't since fucking 1987, despite what thesefucking idiots will write because they're lazy sports writers. Not only has it been even, we'veactually had the better of it for the last fucking 30 years or so. So it was a 16 fucking leaguewith an expansion six. It was the tail end of that horseshit. All right, can we get over it already?
41:19Jesus, today I could share myself enough already. It's fucking over. He's dead and so is everybodyelse that watched him give that speech. Anyways, they're probably not, but it gives a fuck.So we go into game seven and it's the usual shit. I don't think I can remember a series where wemiss more fucking open nets, hit more crossbars. We were like, I don't know what happened.I don't know what the fuck happened. A couple of our guys couldn't at the side of a fucking barand I still love them. I don't think they need to shake up the team. I love that shit wheneveryou lose a series. Those, you know, some, some decisions have to be made. You got to make somelike, like, you don't have a, what happened? We had a bad fucking series. So anyways,
42:03the game ends and then in a handshake line, Lucic is telling a couple of, he told a couple,he's supposed to just go through the line and no matter what, grit your teeth, say good game,good game, congratulations. Good luck in the next round, whatever the, hey man, you know,you were great. You got the better of me, whatever the fuck you're supposed to say,but Lucic did that for a couple of players and then a couple of other players, he said,I'm going to fucking kill you, which you're not supposed to do. And I just, I just wasn't a goodlook. The whole thing, you know, it's funny. It's kind of ironic that I made fun of how the bad boys,the bad boy pistons, the fucking cheap shot artists, how they fucking went out and they ended
42:41up not being bad boys. They went out like punks when they didn't shake the bull's hands or whateverthe fuck they were playing. I don't want troupe. When they walked off, I thought we had elementsof that. Not saying everybody, Charo was a fucking warrior. He was obviously hurt. The guy lookedlike me on skates by game seven. He was literally falling down out there, but um, but whatever,I don't like that shit. I don't like the water bottle. I don't like that saying that shit inthe line. So it actually, in a weird way, ease the fucking pain because I'm not one of those fansthat fucking hates that behavior until people on my team do it. I just, I don't know. I didn'tfucking like it. And uh, even if it worked, I didn't like it. Let's say it worked and we won
43:22the series. I don't, I don't fucking like that shit. So anyways, uh, congratulations to theCanadians. Definitely deserved it. And as much as I hate people saying, yeah, real classy, theyactually won with class. And uh, you know, I didn't have a problem with the guy mockingblue cheats, his fucking pounding of his chest when he scored an empty net goal. I mean, you gotto think someone's going to give you shit for that and you don't let it get under your skin. And Ithink they got under his skin. I still love the guy. I'm not shitting on him, but they, they got thebetter of you and we lost. So there you go. And that's how it works. So now the blue Blanquerules are now playing the fucking Canadians and they got fucking smoked in the first one. But
44:04that doesn't mean shit. It's just one loss. How many coaches have you heard say, I tell you, I don'tcare. It's 72 72. It's only count for one loss. All we could do is try to learn something fromthis loss and go on in the second game and try to get about this one. Um, which is what I thinkthey're going to do. And, um, my apologies to ranger fans because, uh, there's just somethingabout you. I don't hear that banging. There you go. That's the guys downstairs. Um, I just, I don'tfucking, uh, I just, I don't believe in the Rangers. There I said it. Obviously I believe in your goaltender. I believe in the energy that Martin St. Martin St. Louis, however the fuck you say hisname. I believe in that shit. I just don't think you have enough weapons. And then also, I think
44:53you're very even with the Canadians. Despite that seven or two, I might eat crow. I did really wellin the first round when the high seeds play the low seeds. Oh, I was picking them right and left.There's just, I didn't watch a lot of the Rangers this year, but I'm going to gojust with the history of both teams. The exact thing I told you to ignore when I was talkingabout the Canadians and Bruins, I'm now going to bring up the Canadians history because I think itapplies in this one. So send you fucking hate mail to me. I don't give a shit. I think it applies wherethey evenly fucking matched and because the Canadians have their history and their historyand their history of winning, their fan base expects them to win. And I've seen it in other
45:48sports when you have a fan base that believes like that, they're able to sometime push a mediocre teamup to a higher level. I'm not saying they're mediocre, but I think that they're going to,it's just going to be a different vibe there tonight when they play.Like the fans will have that vibe. We're not going to tolerate you going down. Oh,too. They just don't do it. Yankee stadium, old Yankee stadium had that sound. I'm stillgetting used to the new Yankee stadium, but the fans know the fucking game. They know what's onthe line. They're the ones that's Yankee fans started that shit with two strikes. You startfucking clapping, right? They understand the fucking game. Canadian fans do the same.
46:24Ranger fans, great fans. I would actually say better fans than Canadians because they've putup with being a fucking Ranger fan. The thing about the Rangers and you got to own up to thisRanger fan, maybe you don't have to, but I feel, don't you fucking you, you are, if you're a trueRanger fan, you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is the legacy of the New York Rangers.So it's a series like this where they finally turn it around. I guess, well, I guess they gotto win another fucking cup because other than, you know, you know the deal, I don't need to bringup your past stats other than 1994. I'll do it for people who don't watch hockey other than 1994.I mean, you're talking like a fucking talking basically they've won one cup in 74 years. It's
47:09not a good look. Okay. The first, you know, 27 years of that, they were only competing withsix other fucking five other teams. Okay. So I just feel that the Canadians are going to be ableto power their way through and somehow win the series. I hope it's a great series to originalsix teams. You got to love that. And then out in the West, you got the fucking Blackhawks originalsix versus expansion six with the the LA Kings. And I feel that that is the Stanley Cup finalright there. Whoever wins that. I don't know how evenly matched they are. I think the Kings mighthave been a little tired in that first game was only three to one, but I don't know, I said ita while back to fucking it's the Blackhawks to lose. I think they have a little bit of a tough
48:01time with the Kings. And then they just fuck up either the Canadians or the Rangers. That'swhat I think. Now, if you're fans of the other teams, you should be real excited right now becauseI don't think I've been right since the first fucking round. Okay. All right. So there's my hockey,my hockey speak for the week. Oh, it rhymed. Holy shit. Hey, can I hype a couple of thingsright now? Well, you have no fucking choice. You got to listen to it. The all in comedy tour,the Monday morning podcast presents the all in comedy tour. They're going to be atHilarity's Comedy Club, one of my favorite comedy clubs, one of my favorite club owners,Nick Costas working there. And I did I say his name right? I know a Nick Costas and
48:46and then I know Nick is a Costas. One of them pronounces it the wrong fucking way. One doesthe real Greek way. So I'll say the real Greek ways and I just fucked the whole fucking thing up.Anyways, Hilarity's Comedy Club. I do not spell his name. How about that? Is that good enough?They're going to be there May 28th through June 1st for seven shows. Paul, dude, I called it Verzi.Paul, I'm not from New Jersey, Verzi. I had a fucking doorbells ringing. Hang on.All right, I'm back. You know what's funny? I was just somebody's fucking person coming to thedoor soliciting. Just sitting there going like, Hey, good evening, sir. Good afternoon, sir.I'm from the fucking blah, blah, blah, trying to raise money for underprivileged kids. But man,
49:33I guess I'm actually in the middle of a business call. I have to get back. I need to get through it.And he just goes, All right. What was that movie with that guy? Verzi was just talking about gamewhere the guy's actually a salesman and somebody calls his house. And he does basically the samething. And the guy gives up and he just goes, That's it. That's your pitch. This is how you'reselling it. And he fucking gets the guy all amped up to give him his pitch again. He goes,Dan, and that's a sales call. The guy's like, So do you want the paper? He's like, No,when he fucking hangs up on him. I know I've seen that movie. Anyways, I was hyping uphilarities May 28th through June 1st, the all in comedy tour. See them while you still can,
50:15all on the same stage. This is like when the temptations were actually the temptations.Paul, don't say I'm from New Jersey, Verzi, Joe, the fucking chairman of the board, Bartnick,Rosebo tailgate legend and Cook, Jason Lawhead, Cleveland native Jason Lawhead. Go down there.If you just want to see a great comedy show, these are the guys that open up for mewhen I'm out on the road and all of them are going to become headliners in their own right.And I don't know when they're all going to share the same stage again. This is like whenfucking Frank Dean and Sammy went out before they were famous, you know, they were in some supperclub going after some whaling whore. And they said, Hey, what if we all go up here and see what
51:01happens? That's what you're going to see there in Cleveland unless you stay home, unless youfucking stay home. I also have something else to promote. I'm doing a, I'm doing a very importantcharity event in New York city. All right, it's going to be Monday. Make sure I get this downright Monday, July 14th in Brooklyn, New York. All right, it's the give laugh grooveis I guess the foundation. It's the website. Sorry, give, give laughgroove.com and they'reraising money for having children. And I'm going to be doing, I'll be working with James Smith.James got a bunch of fans from Australia, international comedian. We're doing a littlefucking co-headline and thing at the green building in Brooklyn, New York with proceeds
51:52going to feed my starving children. Oh, for God's sakes. Can I get through a fucking promo?Speak of the devil. It's Paul Versey. Hold on one second.Hey, Paul, I'm doing my podcast and I'm actually right in the middle of hyping your day. I justgot done hyping your date. Let me call you back. I said I'm doing my podcast. I'll call you rightback. All right. Even he can't hear the fucking podcast. What's that? Anyways, it's going to beat the green building in Brooklyn, New York on Monday, July 14th. I'm working with James Smith andmeanwhile, two phenomenal musicians. Remember that band I told you about Drew or the Drew,where just everybody in there was unreal. All you guys sitting out there watching these fucking
52:39reality shows. Who's the next fucking American Idol? You just want to see musicians who arefucking making it by getting together with other great musicians and making great music.I highly recommend downloading the Drew or the Drew album, but Drew from Drew or the Drew and J.P.Bouvet, modern, not modern drum, but the Guitar Center, Drum Off, Winter, Berkeley,fucking Phenom, just an amazing drummer. Common thread tour drummer. They're going to be settinga record for the, I guess, longest time two musicians have played together. It's going tokind of be like a, you know, like a festival kind of thing. They're going to be doing that oneroom. You got a comedy show in another room. We're going to be feeding people. It's going to be
53:18fucking great. Go to givelaughgroove.com and come on out. Okay. And I'll you'll be seeing me bringingthe fucking lumber. Oh, and I'll also be feeding some people too, I guess. Whatever. It's a fuckingcharity. Whatever they need me to do, I'm going to do. What is this here? What am I doing here?Where is it? Where's the copy, Bill? Why do you suck so fucking bad at this?All right. It says, I got you and James signed up to do the last meal pack of each day,which is 430 to 630 p.m. on July 14th and four to six on six, okay, the next day,but we're performing only on the 14th. Still cool with this? Of course. Yeah. Fuck yeah.Absolutely. All right. So there you go. That's what the hell I'm doing. So check that shit out.
54:04Okay. Back to the podcast. All right. So this weekend, I had, I had a relativegraduated from law school. So I had to fly back to Boston, right? And every time I go back toBoston, they fucking built something else and tore something down that I loved and thenfucking put something else in place of it. And I go, what happened to it? This time I went backand hilltop steakhouse was fucking closed. I was on my way up to giggles comedy clubto, uh, I thought only do one show. I did two shows. I should have kept it at one.I went into the second room and I didn't realize that it was a church group.Swear to God, trying to raise money for something and ooh. Oh, did old billy boy munches,
54:53fucking balls on that one. Jesus Christ. It was a legitimate bomb, fucking wire to wire.It just was not a stellar moment in it. Like you ever see when a plane goes to take off andit just, it's just not at the right speed and just fucking just clips the trees that like,that's what happened. Then it disappears into them. You're like, oh, maybe they landed safely.Then there's the fireball. That was my set. Oh, but the other place it was worth it because thefirst one, it was magic. It was a great, do you believe in magic? In the fucking main room,that one was great. So I got to work with Tony V, one of my favorites and yada, yada, yada.The next fucking day I go to the, I go to the graduation and you know, you know, the deal
55:45with graduation. You're like, oh my God, this is going to fucking suck. All right. This is goingto be long. This is going to be hot. It's going to be hot and long. It's going to suck. Soundslike a fucking porno here. It's horrific. All right. And pleasant surprise. We show up. It'sindoors. It's fucking air conditioning. The Dean comes out. She starts fucking talking,crushes it, brings up some political guy. He goes up, fucking crushes it. Then they bring up theguest speaker. All right. This is like when a basketball team's going on a run and everybody'sstanding up freaking out. The fucking speakers are crushing it. Then they bring up the guy thatthey hired to speak and he comes fucking walk doctor, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever
56:35the fuck his name is. He comes walking up. This is how we started his speech. He goes,before I speak, I would like to say something.I swear to God, that's what he said. That's one of the greatest fucking lines I ever heard. BeforeI speak, I would like to say something. And immediately I'm just sitting there going like,oh God, this is going to be at least 47 to 52 fucking minutes of absolute fucking boredom.And fortunately I was wrong. Like most of my NHL picks, I was wrong. This guy crushed it.You know, started talking about being a little kid and born in fucking Nazi Poland,Nazi occupied Poland, excuse me, and how the fuck he got out of there. Survivors guilt.
57:26And now if you become a lawyer, you don't have to be a fucking content. You can actually workpro bono and help change the world for a better play. It was great speech. Crushed it, right?Now all of a sudden they handle out diplomas. I'm like, holy shit, they're going to get thisfucking thing done in two and a half hours. This is going to be great. Fucking great.And then we're out to the fucking beers and the food. And everything's great. They hand them allout and that's it. And then the dean comes back and inexplicably starts fucking talking.Keeps talking. Ten minutes later, still fucking talking. And I'm feeling everybody getting restless.And it's just like, what the fuck? What the fuck is this person doing? And then like 15 minutes in,
58:11it was so bad, it just started to become funny.I mean, everybody was ready for her to wrap it up in 30 seconds and 15 minutes and she goes,I'm going to tell this, this is just an aside. And she told a fucking side story,then there's nothing to do with the other story. And all the shit she was saying was basicallywhat everybody else had said. 20 minutes in, 25 minutes in, 30 minutes in. And I swear to God,dude, I like, I started, I started getting angry because I was all the way in up against the wall.I was starting to feel trapped. And I started thinking, she's doing this on purpose. Thisis a fucking power trip. And then mercifully, it fucking finally ended like 35 minutes later,
58:5535 fucking minutes later. And she didn't have a cluehow much she was annoying the shit out of everybody. The only thing that was keeping megoing was looking around at people. People were doing everything. People were,were just sort of sitting there like looking out the side of their head at the person next to them.A couple other people had done that. What's known as the confessional pose where you're seated andyou got your elbows on your knees and your head is hanging and your hands are clasped.There was a lot of that going on. There was other people not even trying to hide it,looking around behind them like you fucking shit me that look,
59:32not just over the right shoulder, left shoulder to right fucking double threat with that.There was people, I was right near the section. I wasn't near the walls near the railing. Andthen that was like an exit right next to me. And this one fuck guy, he walked in, walked out,walked in, walked out, walked in the third time. And he literally put his hands out,like, you know, like when the reps make a fucked up call itself fucked up, even the head coachdoesn't even know what it is. And then they're talking about it, trying to get it right. Andthey've come to a decision and they don't inform the coach and he just kind of puts his hands outlike the fuck happened. What's, what's going, am I getting fucked? Am I, am I, am I going to come
01:00:12on all right in this? So literally just doing that. And then finally she wrapped it up. Itwas still a good time. It was still a good graduation, but I don't know that Dean, I swearto God, it was just like my performance at giggles. I should have stopped at the first littleperformance. I should have ended at that. It was just, it was horrific. Okay, so anyways,the next day I ended up going down to Nashville. I just realized I haven't read any of my fuckingadvertising yet for this week. God damn it. I went down to Nashville for the Vince Vaughn Wild Westcomedy festival. The first one, hopefully not the last time because it was such a great time.And I got to play the rhyming theater and I didn't realize that was the original Grand Ole
01:00:55Lopri. And I'm going to tell you about that right after these messages from our sponsor.I know. Fuck you too. Fuck you. Go fuck yourself. I got to do these. All right. Dollar Shave Club.Dollar, Dollar Shave Club everybody. You know, there are so many things that piss me off. Talkabout a few things that piss you off, Bill. Okay, let's talk about how the fucking Dean shouldhave wrapped it up the first time and instead goes on for 35 minutes. That pisses me off.You know? There. Did I reach my contractual obligation there? All right. And paying waytoo much to shave my face is definitely up there too. Right up there with somebody doing 35 minuteswhen I was done with you with your first seven. Okay? Nothing feels better than shaving with a
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01:04:03code bill. All right, one more legal zoom. Legal zoom everybody. Modern technology is phenomenal.Smart phones, iPads and other gadgets make it easy to do so many things. But why is it that ourlives seem to get busier at the same time? Well, when it comes to getting the legal help you need,legal zoom provides a great solution that works with your busy schedule. Let's face it, the legalsystem is complicated. There are better things you can do with your time. Thankfully, thank Christ,legal zoom is there for you. So if you're thinking about starting a business, forming an LLC orgetting a trademark, well, will or a living trust, legal zoom gets the job done right. You'll get thepersonal attention you need. And they'll help you take care of all the details. Legal zoom has
01:04:49been helping families and small business owners for 14 years. And they received an A plus fromthe Better Business Bureau. Call or visit legal zoom today for an extra discount. Enter burrB U R R in the referral code at checkout. That's legal zoom.com slash burr legal zoom provideslegal help through independent attorneys and self help services. But it is not a law firm.Go to legal zoom.com, enter discount code burr B U R R. All right, back to the damn podcast. SoI mentioned I played the rhyming theater, which isn't in downtown. It's in what I consider thedowntown. It's right with a Nashville predators play. They got all the honky tonks there and theygot all the play and I don't know if they call them that anymore, whatever all this other fucking
01:05:36country music and all that shit. And, and right around the corner, right off this little streetis the rhyming theater. And that's where the original Grand Ole Opry was at from like 1930something to 1974. And basically anybody who was anybody got to perform even before then beforeit was even the Grand Ole Opry. It was a vaudeville space. So all these other guys, you know,I imagine Charlie Chaplin, I mean, he was doing the rounds, he was working the road,Buster Keaton, WC Fields, they had his, his head shot hanging in there. So that's how muchhistory this place, even when the people that I'm freaking out about the Hank Williams, you know,Patsy Klein and all them, even when they performed there, that place was already legendary. And
01:06:32they actually had a couple strips of wood from the original stage. So everybody, you know,who came out to perform had to go and step on them and just think that, you know,you know, all these unbelievable performers had been there. And I'm not gonna lie to you,it was one of the best shows I've had in my entire career. I don't know what happened.I went out there and usually takes me a second to get a little warmed up, get a vibe for the room.But I walked out there and it used to be a church. So they have all the original pews. It was madein like 1898. So they still had all the original pews. I'm telling you right now, if you go toNashville, you got to go, you got to go see a fucking show there. There's a bunch of other
01:07:16great venues there and stuff, but you got to go. Like I heard Neil Young played there.Recently, I mean, that's one that I would just stop what I was doing, get on a planeto go to the Ryman Theater and just sit in a fucking pew from 1898 and watch Neil Young.I mean, it's just incredible. So somehow a shit head like me told enough dick jokes.The next thing you know, I'm the next guy on the show. So I walk out there and the sun's goingdown and up in the upper deck. It's really small, a lot smaller than I thought it was gonna be,because people were smaller back then and they packed them in. And there wasn't all this extracrap luxury boxes and everything. So whatever, it was like a 2000 seater, 1800 seater, and it was
01:08:02the size of like, I swear to God, like a lot of 500 seat theaters. It's unbelievable. We're literallytripled the fucking size of these people, I guess. So anyways, up top, they had these stained glasswindows. So the sun was going down. All right. The sunlight's coming through the stained glasswindows. It's like the fucking Blues Brothers moment. And I went out there and it was a greatcrowd. And I was on. I started talking, they started laughing. And I swear to God, I almost didlike two hours. I did like an hour and 45 minutes and I left out like three huge bits that I'm gonnado on my special. You know, you got to have your blocks. When I put together a new hour and I feellike I got the, I got it together is you need that big opener. You got to have the big closer.
01:08:55And then you got to have like, you got to have three or four big ones in the middle, you know,and then you got your little ones, you give them the rest, then you go back to a big one,give them a little rest, little game, take them on a little ride. But you got to have like,you got to have the four corners there to build the structure is how I view it. I don't know. Idon't know why I don't have a good science background, but that's how I fucking view the thing. AndI don't know. I've had so much fun. I'm having more fun than I ever had to in stand-up. So Ihave more than enough at this point. And that's the only concern I have when I go to tape thisthing is I don't want it to be overly long. But I also want to document those jokes. So
01:09:40I don't know what I'm going to do, either do all of them and then cut the special and then havethose as extras. I have no fucking clue how I'm going to do it. But you know what? It's a greatfucking problem to have. So anyways, backstage and you can take a tour of this is they have on theup on the third floor, they have the Johnny Cash room and they have the Hank Williams room.And then you go down the floor beneath it. They have second floor. They have that's where allthe women's are because men are better. We're above on floor number three. And then on floornumber two, they had like the Patsy Klein, the Patsy Klein room and then what else? Who thefuck? I'm just so bad at country stars. This is really bad. I have no fucking idea who they have.
01:10:30I'm sorry. I just painted the whole picture and then just dropped the brush. Just let you guysfall right off the fucking canvas. I'm sorry. I don't remember, but it was fucking amazing.I actually went, I actually came out to Patsy Klein when I was there. I know it's hacking,it's touristy, but it was cool. I've always liked her and there's actually rumors that she stayedon the street that I live in out, live on out here in LA. There's rumors that she actuallyrented a house on the block that I live on. And that's one of the really cool thingsto completely make a left turn here about living in Los Angeles is if you are in an area with abunch of old houses, there's going to be somebody fucking lived in it. At this point, Hollywood
01:11:19and people trying to make movies is coming up on 100 years, aren't we? As far as it actuallygetting going, Hollywood land and all that type of shit, there's, you know, that there's a houseI actually read about when it was for salesomewhere here in Hollywood or maybe it's, I don't know what the fuck it is, but basicallythe person who owned the house, they owned it during a prohibitionand then had a pool and a cabana. So it's during prohibition and you know the deal.What if they outlawed booze? I mean, how quickly would there be a black market andyou'd be fucking drinking in somebody's cellar? You know, knocking.
01:12:03You know, what's the password? The password is, you know, 23 Skidoo or whatever and youfucking get in, right? So this person made a bar. They turned their cabana into like a bar and theyjust built this little bar and they don't know if they either made their beer in the bathtub orthey had some sort of hook up who knows what and all these famous people from way back in the day,Louis Armstrong, Humphrey Bogart, all these people or whatever went over there and drankand they all carved their names into the bar and it's still there.So when you went to go look at the house, you could actually go look at this piece of historyand it's actually protected. Like they make sure if you buy the house, like you can't tear it down
01:12:46or sell it or any of that type of shit. So all of these fucking, you know, all these icons,they had to fucking live somewhere. So anyways, the rumor is the urban myth on the street thatI live on is that she either on this street or the next street overstayed in a house rented itwhile she was doing, I don't know what. So it's kind of cool anyways to come back out to come outwith, can you tell I flew today? I'm always out of my fucking mind when I fly. My brain's all overthe place. I've had a fucking brutal day. I apologize. You know, when I went to the airportthis morning, Nashville, and it was this extra long line and, you know, just stand there and Ileft enough time where I could get through it. And I'm coming up right till we begin disrobing
01:13:33and all that shit, right? And they end up the lovely Nia. What's going on? How are you?I'm telling my, my airport story from this morning.So, uh, no, not even that one. Here's, here's the story. So I'm standing in line,this long fucking security line. Jesus, Bill, get to the point. I know. So I'm getting ready to,it's becoming my turn where I get to fucking take off the belt and the sneakers and fucking getthrough the damn thing. And all of a sudden I hear this person behind going, excuse me, excuse me,excuse me, thank you, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me,excuse me, excuse me, I turn around and it's this guy and he's pushing this African American woman
01:14:20who's in her fifties in a wheelchair. So, you know, I step aside, she goes by and then the dude behindme goes, he said, he goes, I gotta say that exactly, he said, he goes, they should have to wait inline like everybody else. That's what he said. He went with they, he went with they. So they,they meaning people in wheelchairs or black people? I think, no, I think he meant wheelchairsbecause there was other black people, um, uh, uh, standing in line, right? So, so I turn aroundand I, I don't talk to fucking people. And he just, it was just so cray. I just tried, I said,come on, man, I mean, she's in a wheelchair. I go, would you rather be standing up or sitting inthat chair? And then there was a pause and he goes, they should wait in line like everybody else.
01:15:18Like this whole Mississippi burning vibe and we know it's killing me. I came up, I came, I cameup with the fucking line that I should have said after I got on the plane. I should have said,oh, what the fuck was it? And I already forget it. I gotta have the proper wording. My brain isjust not working today. Um, oh, so I'm like, oh, now you believe in equality. It's not equality.What is the word? Now you believe in, uh, Jesus, I just blew it. No, I'm completelystruggling. No, I'm completely fucking out of it. Yeah. What the fuck? Cause he's basically,you know, this guy, he doesn't want shit to be equal. But now that she's going by him,now he wants the shit to be equal. But you know, if she went to live in his fucking neighborhood,
01:16:06he wouldn't want it to be. So he wants equality. Oh, that was going to say, oh,now you believe in equality. That's what I was going to say. Jesus. Okay. You just looked upand you get what I'm saying? That's always a great joke when you have to overly explain it tosomeone who's known you for fucking years. Ah, Jesus. All right. So you see how that just bombedeverybody? Maybe it's a good thing. I didn't say it. Um, that's basically what my second setat giggles was like. I didn't tell you that. And yeah, I fucking ate my balls. No, I didwire to fire. There was one woman was so disgusted. She wouldn't look at me and I just kept saying,I'm not going to tell another joke to you. Look at me and she, she wouldn't look and I kept going,
01:16:50I'm not going to tell another joke to you. Look at me and she just goes,and continued to look down at the floor and she was like, you know, 65, 70.Well, that's not exactly your demographic. They were, they were, they were a church grouptrying to raise money and nobody told me anything. So is that true? Yeah, that's,that was my out. That's my out. That's the story I'm telling. So anyways,so here was my morning, right? So I get a car service to pick me upat LAX when I go to land. Now the whole fucking purpose of a car service when you get off theplane, the fucking jerk off is standing there. So you just leave. You want to leave, you're paying
01:17:30a ridiculous amount of money, not for the ride. You're paying the money to leave, to leave thecluster fuck that is LAX. So I go down there and there's 10 people standing there with namesand I'm all excited. Where's my name? Where's my name? Did I get picked? Right? Am I going to makevarsity? You know, and of course my name isn't fucking there. So I'm an entitled jackass at thispoint. So I'm like, you know what? Fuck that. I just walk out and I go right to the cab line.There's no line. There's also no cabs, but I see a cab coming and the fucking guy pulls up and thenright then I get the text about the guy and he's like, you know, trying to explain to methat he's in the parking lot and he's on his way, but his English is as good as my French. So it
01:18:17takes a second. So I walk away from the cab. Then I'm standing in a mutter and going, he's fuckinggoddamn sons of bitches. You know what the fuck? I want to get out of here. I want to go home. Igot to record the podcast. I'm being a big baby basically, right? And then all of a sudden twoseconds later, the fucking towncar pulls up. He looks at me. I look at him. I nod. He nods andI fucking get in the car. I'm like, all right, see, once again, Bill, you lost your shit for noreason. That didn't take long at all. So we're driving away. We're driving away and I'm in agreat fucking mood. I get out of LAX. I'm feeling great. And then all of a sudden his phone fuckingrings and he's like, hello, what? Oh my God. I'm so sorry. And he goes, I picked up the wrong
01:18:58passenger. So I'm thinking like, well, you know, top too bad for that other guy. So the guy slowsdown and he goes, we have to go back and do we would like 10 minutes away from the airport.Right? I'm like, we're not going back. We can't go back. And he goes, no, he goes, we have togo back. I got to go back and get him. You're in the wrong car. And I'm like, well, that's not myfault. You picked me up, right? And then he's literally starting to turn around. I feel likesome little kid, I want to go to the toy store, right? He's taking me to go see the dentist.So I'm like, dude, you can't just drive me back. He can't do that. And then he starts going, youknow, stop yelling at me. And I'm like, I'm not yelling at you. Like he thought this was yelling.
01:19:42That's not yelling. Is it? Well, you know what? You guys need to up your yelling game becausethat's not fucking yelling. So I he apologizes. The other guy doesn't fucking apologize to me.And he goes, I had to sign and he chose to sign with like fucking guys. Last name was like RanchoCucamonga. There's really fucking long name. And I'm like, I didn't you didn't fucking show me that.And he goes, yes, I did. I go, dude, are you literally telling me I don't know what my nameis? And he's like, stop yelling at me. I go, I'm not yelling and you're sitting next acting likeI don't know what my fucking name is. I didn't curse though. So then I finally just go, you knowwhat, just pull over, let me out here. So he pulls over and like Sepulveda leaves me off.
01:20:23And he's just sitting there in the fucking driver's seat. As I as I go to get out,pops the trunk and it's just sitting there. So I leave the passenger side door open and the trunkopen and I walk out like a total foot such a chick fucking move like that's not a man move.But I did that. Then I went I got my nails done. It is dude. That's that that's a pussy move.It is a pussy move. But there you go. Who has a pussy chicks. Thank you. You know,the whole thing about that scenario is is like his job is to say, are you Mr Rancho Cucamonga?Yes, I am. Are you and you were going to this place, right? That's normally what they're supposedto do. They've made sure you got the name right. I had my headphones on. Okay, I took my 50% of it.
01:21:15All right. Yeah, because the guy the driver who the actual person who I it was at least 50% ofmy fault. Definitely was 50% of your fault because there was a guy inside holding a sign with yourname on it. No, there wasn't not at the time. But then he called you or whatever. And he waslike, I'm coming around and this and that either way, did you hear what you just said?Either way, did you hear what you just said? Why? You said there was a guy in there holdinga sign with my name on it. I said no, there wasn't. And you said not at the time.Well, they called me. It was the thing. Well, I called. Okay. So if the fire department shows upthe day before the house is on fire and sprays water on it, isn't his job supposed to have
01:21:55a little bit of timing? That's why he is. He's supposed to have time and he should have beenthere. You should have seen him right away. That's the whole point of it. And that other jackassshould have confirmed that you were Mr. Rancho Cucamonga and you were going to the right place.Stop saying Rancho Cucamonga. You said it in the beginning and I thought it was a point.Go with something different like Walla Walla. Walla Walla or Chevy Chase. I'm joking. But theso no, he should have checked. He fucked up and then you got all I fucked up the way you did.And then I fucked up. I'm a dick. He probably told the story to the next passenger and they bothlaugh and the next passenger was easy going and was was a better person than I was and gave him
01:22:31a nice, but he met, but he messed up. He had, he's supposed to check to make sure if you'venever met the person before, you double. He should have assumed I was that dumb. That's basicallyI should have closed the door on the trunk. I'm a cunt.It was a bit of a bitch move. Totally. Well, there you go. So you agree with me? No, but a bitchmeaning like pussy, but not a female necessarily. Well, it's not fair. It's not fair. A punk move,maybe. This no, and a bitch, this fitty, like having a fit or throwing a tantrum, like a babyishmove. Oh, definitely. Immature. Let's, let's just go and mature. We'll go and mature. It was animmature move of you to be like, fine. I'm not closing the door or the trunk. Take that. You're
01:23:17both being like unnecessary because he should have been like, you know what, sir, you're absolutelyright. I should have double checked with you. I'm so sorry. I got 20 bucks on me. Can I at leastgive you $20 for the next? No, he doesn't do all that. Look, this, and this, I think this is whyit's called a chick move, a pussy move, a bitch move is because guys aggressive because you guysdon't fight for the most part. You guys don't solve shit physically. So you guys, you solve it thatway because you're more evolved as a man. You're supposed to flake. I was literally supposed totake off my fucking headphones and we were supposed to duke it out right there on the sidewalk andwhoever won that was the direction the car was going to go in. Every Clint Eastwood movie I ever
01:24:00watched. That's how it was supposed to be done. And I didn't. All right. I was like tootsie.That's what the movie was like. But you still understand that he did have to go back to getthe person who actually paid for his car. He screwed up, but he has to go back and get theperson that paid for the car. He can't call another car. Well, I don't know what their wholesituation is. I don't think you know anything about the situation because you don't work in thatindustry. Well, I just know that. Isn't it enough that I just said I was 100% wrong and that I wasa bitch and I threw a tantrum? Okay. You're just going to fucking countersink it and fuckingspackle over it? I got it. I'm fine. I know you had a hard morning. I'm not going to come in here.
01:24:42No, the whole weekend. I swear to God, like I was a fucking idiot this weekend. I got on,I returned a rental car at Logan airport and I missed my fucking, I missed my terminal becauseI assumed that something in Boston with the sign was going to make sense, which it never does.This is the deal. I'm waiting to go to terminal E Southwest Airlines, right? So they go to thefirst one. There's two buses. One goes to B and C. One goes to DNA. So I don't fuck that up. I actuallyget on the right bus. They go to the first one. They're like terminal D fucking whatever UnitedAirlines, American Airlines, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I'm like, all right, well, that's notit D. I know it's not D. And I was, I was tweeting once again, being a fucking idiot. So while you
01:25:28were driving? No, while I was riding, but here's the thing in between terminals that was in betweenterminals. So we get to the next terminal. Okay, I'm in a bus. I couldn't see what the letter was.And it says, uh, it says next, you know, next terminal, he starts, all I hear is the airlines,Japanese air, Iraqi air, Turkish air, United Arab Emirates. I'm like, all right, internationalterminal, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then all of a sudden we're going back to where the fuck Iwas going to go. What happened to terminal E? The guy goes, I went to terminal E Southwest was inthe international. Does that make any fucking sense? Japanese air, Turkish air, Iraqi air Southwest.Didn't somebody buy Southwest though, didn't a bigger airline buy Southwest? Is that having
01:26:12anything to do with it? I thought I heard that I thought Southwest got bought by somebigger airline. What are you hanging out with pilots? No, fuck, do you know that? I don't know,because I read things. I don't know. I really could have sworn that that happened.You know, it's funny about you, you don't want to get a fuck anyway, I want to bring this up howyou don't want to get a TV in the bedroom, because you said it affects the connection between thetwo people and keeping it clean here. And meanwhile, every fucking night, you know,you're on your laptop. So what's the point? Why can't I watch the the end of a game layinghere in bed, rubbing my balls, watching a game? First of all, there's nowhere in here to hang
01:26:55the television. Well, they used to have these things back in the day called TV stands. Andwhen you bought a TV, that's not going to be that. No, there's not going to be a TV stand in here.Oh, that's hilarious. I thought I had 50% of this room. Can it be on my side of the room then?No, I literally blocked the door to my closet with the TV. If I could just do that, you want tolike mount it right there and have the door closed so we can like see it on an angle. I mean,that could work. That's not a crazy idea. It's not crazy idea. It's one of the best ideas you'veever had. Thank you. I'll get rid of that closet door. You're not going to get rid of the closetdoor. I'll fucking open that God. Let's close the door. Let's be serious here. I'll play another man
01:27:34who knows how to fix things to open that wall up, turn my entire closet into a fucking TV.That whole wall is a TV. Most people make it in an aquarium, right? You are like obsessed withlying down while watching TV. I'm tired. I'm fucking tired. My brain doesn't work anymore.I have traveled more in the last fucking year and a half and I'm old now. Okay. I'm fucking old.I forgot. I lost another pair of sunglasses. I just, I left my car charger. I just dropped offrent a car. I just get out of the car. I should be wearing those hospital loaferscarrying an IV. I told you to that all it would take is a phone call. If they were like, no,we don't see it, then fine, you move on. But if they're like, actually, yeah, I just went out to
01:28:25the glove compartment and there they were working. Yeah, I left my sunglasses in a vegan restaurantand the dude stole them. Okay, still said about that, huh? There's something about a vegan restaurant.I don't know why you keep tying veganism to like there's something more pure to you. No,they're like sufferable people out there. No offense, vegans, but you know, you guys canbe too much with that. Oh, shit. Hey, you know what? People wanted me to talk about Jay-Z andSolange or Oh, the elevator fight, whatever the hell are fucking names. I'm sick of Jay-Zwearing that Roger Moore tuxedo. We get it. You're fucking cool enough already. Tom Ford. Oh,is that what that is? Always. I always be at this point, Jay-Z so famous, you forget he's from Brooklyn
01:29:14and he fucking grew up in a street corner can still beat the shit out of you. You know,although him with his shirt off, you know, I don't know. He's definitely a businessman. Yeah,exactly. He's fine dining. He's eating like steak and wine and like croissants and shit. He is notP90X and I can tell you that. He doesn't need to do all that. He's got the gift to gab. He doesn'tneed to do all that. He doesn't. He doesn't. You know what? I've had enough arguments with people.God bless him and his Roger Moore tuxedo. Did you talk about the elevator fight? Have you come?I'll talk about it. Oh, I'll talk about it all day.I thought Jay-Z regardless of whatever the fuck he said that set her off showed unbelievable
01:30:02restraint. Okay. Getting kicked by a woman in high heel shoes. I've been there. Okay. It fuckinghurts. And he kept taking it to the hands and there was a moment at one. I only watched it once.There was a time like one of the last times she hit him. She even flinched because she was like,yeah, at this point, he just I deserve to get punched in the face. You see her flinch. She spitat him. That was what was really awful. That's what I forgot to do to that driver this morning.That would have been the crowning bitch move. No, I never do that. No, no, no. But, you know,their family has problems like anybody else's family. I feel like if anything, it just, you know,it just goes to show you that you shouldn't feel bad when, you know, your uncles or whatever
01:30:49start screaming at each other over Thanksgiving. That is funny though. When you really think abouthow many people are to are judging them, actually there's footage that exists somewhere of theirfamily fighting in an elevator. It's just they're not famous and nobody cares. It just gets tapedover. Yeah, I feel like a lot of, there are a lot more like physical fights that happen in familiesbetween siblings and stuff that most people wouldn't want to admit, you know. So it's, I really don'tthink it's that big of a deal. I was watching it like salon, stop. No, he definitely said somethingfucked up because Beyonce didn't do anything. She was, she was staying with her sister. She wasprobably like, well, that's what happens when you say X, Y and Z. That was her vibe.
01:31:37Yeah. So, but that's not that big of a deal. I don't feel like, you know,no, that's kind of a big, no, that's a, that's, that's, that's, it's over. Their relationship isfucking over. And if money wasn't involved, who's relationship jaysies and the fuckingYeah. No sidekick there. She's not a sidekick. Yes, she is. Come on. She's, she's frank, frankStallone. No, no, she has a really good album. I love her music and she has great style. No,she's not as famous as Beyonce, obviously, and all these dumbass internet people on Twitter. Like,I've never even heard her until now. She should be thankful. She got any kind of press. This is,this is my, my theory. Just because you don't know music beyond what's on your top 40 radio
01:32:22stations that they play in the morning while you're going to work doesn't mean that this personisn't talented. No, I just get annoyed with that. First the vegans, now the music lovers.This is the deal. The only way she can make it is if she's in the same group as Beyonce,because that's the way it fucking works. There's no way, never in the historyof two people in the same family trying to be a solo artist. Have they ever made it? They always,you gotta be together. The Everly brothers, the Jackson five, the Ausmans. And then what happensis somebody breaks out of it and then the rest of them go back to the dinner table going, I havean album out too. Whenever he's like, yeah, we don't care. I know I'm your mother. I don't care.
01:33:08Michael is special. Donnie and Marie are the best. They're younger than you. They're cuter than you.And Jesus likes them better. And that's what happens. And you're fucked.So the only move she had was when Beyonce was on the way up, she should have been in Destiny'sChild. Look at me. Look at me on the other side of the fence, just calling off groups here.Bill, she was, well, maybe she was in that group. She was like a backup. I thought it was Kim Cole'sand that chick from Kim Cole, from the one of the roller skates, Tutie. Wasn't she in that?They're just naming black people now. Yeah. No, she was like a backup dancer. She went ontour with them when she was younger. She had an album when she was younger. She got pregnant. She
01:33:55moved to like Oklahoma or something. I was a backup dancer. I was. Remember that ACDC,that ACDC video Who Made Who when I had all the Anguses up there? I was one of the Anguses.She also, she also, I didn't really people. I did. I wish I did. She also wrote quite a fewof Beyonce's songs and like co-wrote some of Destiny's Child songs too. So, you know, she'sgot other talents and things, you know? She doesn't need to be as famous as her sister though.She's like that chick. And I say, Hey, yeah, yeah. Linda Perry? No. What's going on? Her name isLinda Perry. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. She's the lead singer. It isn't. It's like Jessica orsomething. It's not. You know I'm right. I don't know what her name is. Four non blondes. Yeah.
01:34:41Lead singer Linda Perry recently married to Sarah Gilbert from Roseanne. Did you know that? Who playeddarling? They're married. The last time I saw Linda Perry, not the last time like I see her,but I saw her at the restaurant. Wait, isn't that four non blondes chick? Isn't she like,fuck, she's got to be my age. Probably. What's she going around with that little girl for? What areyou talking about? Sarah Gilbert's older than I am. I saw the show the other day. She's like 12.That's because she looks great. No, she's joking. Like I was watching the fucking TV show.I'm just bombing all over the place. But no, I saw Linda Perry at the rest, the vegan restaurantin question. Oh yeah? I hope she didn't leave her fucking sunglasses or a top hat.
01:35:25Do you not, do you like her? Linda Perry? Oh, because I have a problem with white people withdreadlocks. Damn it! You fucking snuffed that right out. You're too smart for your own fucking good.She doesn't have them anymore. Yeah, but she had them. She had them. Nia doesn't like white peoplewith dreads. Weds. I just feel like, she doesn't like weds. Weds. I just feel like, I don't know,dreadlocks are a very particular cult. I don't know. Maybe they don't, that style doesn't belongto anyone anymore. Would you consider it an offshoot of blackface? No. I think it's like, you know,white people that don't want to do their hair and like think they're super um, like tapped into likeRasta Reggae music and like half and half his sack. What if they really, really, really, really
01:36:25love weed? That, yeah, that doesn't mean anything. They actually normally do really,really, really love weed with their goddamn hemp necklaces and whatnot. So isn't that a commitmentto the lifestyle? That's not all Rastafarianism is though. It's a religion. No, it isn't. Yes,it is. Google it. Not in this country. Well, it's one of their holidays and how come we don't getthe day off? Because it's not, it's not an American thing. You said it's not, not in this country.Exactly. No, it's joking. I was just being an idiot. But no, it's not like an American or whateverreligion. No, it isn't. No, but this, aren't there enough Rastas over here that they could startcomplaining and we could get another day off? Yo man, how come the Jews got all their days off
01:37:12in September? Sorry, worse fucking Jamaican acts than ever. Is that where Rastafarians come from?I don't know. All I know is I wouldn't fuck with any of them. I don't believe in magic. Do youbelieve in magic? But I do with fucking those people. I wouldn't fuck with them. It's not,it's not. I saw enough magic. Are you thinking of voodoo? Yeah, because that's not the same thingat all. Listen, it's all Raiders of the Lost Ark to me. It's not the same thing at all. Listen,they, they still, they still use foreign and weird to you, aren't they? Yeah, I went there. Yeah,yeah, I'm threatening you. Yeah, I'm threatening you. Stamps.com everybody. You want to do whateverit takes to make sure your business runs efficiently. Course you do, but constant trips to the post
01:37:57office can definitely get in the way. Eats up valuable time that you could be spending on growingyour business instead. So bring the post office right back to your desk with Stamps.com. You don'thave to be a postal expert. Stamps.com makes it easy. Buy and print official US postage for anyletter or any package using what you already have, your own computer and printer. Then just hand itto your mailman or mail person. It's just that easy. Join over, join the five. It's doing so great.Join the 500,000 small businesses that use Stamps.com and never have to go to the post office again.I use Stamps.com to send out all my DVDs and my posters for all the stuff that I pour myself outwith at the end of the show. I'm a moron. If I can use it, so can you right now use my last name
01:38:45Burr for this special offer, no risk trial, plus $110 bonus offer includes a digital scale and upto $55 free postage. Don't wait. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphoneat the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com enter Burr. That wasn't bad,was it? Very good. Hey, you know what I forgot to mention? Mail carrier I think is now the ultimatePC. We've covered it all. Mail carrier. I know, but that job is not going to exist in a couple ofyears. The phase and the whole frigging thing out. Back in the day to add on mail, man. All right,wait a second. I needed to promote something here. Oh, people, oh, I haven't got to the fucking questionsthis week. Oh, people always ask, where can I email the podcast? This is where you can do it
01:39:36at bill, sorry, bill at the mmpodcast.com. Once again, bill at the mmpodcast.com.Okay, there you go. And on Twitter, you can also, if you want to look up some of the clips and shitat the MM podcast and MMP in both things is capitalized. Now they have to rewind both whateverthe fuck it is. All right, stanhope. Tons of emails about the stanhope episode, lots of kindwords from listeners, insane amounts of requests for him to come back. You know, I tweeted him tosay thank you for the flowers, but he never tweeted me back, but he has also a gazillion followers,so he probably didn't even see it. Yes, he did. He brought you that the nice, it's not a bouquet,he bought you a potted plant. Yeah, he bought you the flowers that keep giving. Yeah, the little
01:40:27floor arrangement. I put it out on my little balcony. For some reason, he thought that youweren't going to like him. Like he was going to be, I don't know what, like a bad influence. Hewould have loved him, came in absolutely killing this fucking leisure suit. He looked great. Hewas wearing a leisure suit. I missed him in a leisure suit. I've never met him, but he soundscool. And he's really funny. So I'll meet him. Really funny is an understatement. He's been like,you know, anybody who says that's the funniest guy in the country for the last at least eightyears. I would never, I would just say you have great taste in comedy. Now get out of my way.I'm trying to find my car. Oh, entitled bill this week. All right, dear Billy Faithful,
01:41:09you and Nia seem to have a great relationship from the listener's point of view.Couples always play that if you could cheat with anyone who would have, why did you have to showup for this? Who would it be game? I'm asking you this, if you could have one woman from all ofhistory. I don't want people say that. Like you have any idea. What, what, like Joan of Arc looklike? You just, what the way she, she was painted women were fucking ugly back in the day and theguys were, everybody was shaped like a refrigerator. That's why I hate those old photos when youpictures the paintings when you go there. All those fucking rump roasts. Everybody just fucking,how many wars did you win? How are you like, get on, just go walk around the castle a couple
01:41:56of times. You know about fine art or what? And plus those people were just there. Yeah,live in the life, eating good food and being serviced and they just sat around all day.Just a bunch of pasty, fat thighs and asses. They didn't have to do anything. It's the people outin the field. Those were the people who had great bodies, but the aristocrats, they're just kind of,they're turned into mush as you like to say. Yeah. Well, they should have painted the poor peoplebecause the fucking fat asses in the castle, they were a mess. Now wonder they wore robes,you know, everybody else is walking around with a fucking leaf over their junk.All right, I'm asking you this. If you could have one woman from all of history be absolutely
01:42:39in love with Billy twinkle toes. Oh, this is for you. Who would it be? No, it's for you.Oh, they're right. It's okay. Assuming Nia isn't in the picture for nonviolent reasons,who would be your girl? Imagine you have 60 seconds to give your answer and it's going to stickfor all and eternity. Thanks and go fuck yourself. 60 seconds is on the clock. I know what'sfucked up is it's just what's great about this is it isn't just who do you want to bang. I'm goingto have to live with this person when the looks go and that you want them to be in love with youand you have all of history to choose from. All right. All of history for me is every hot womanI've seen since the 70s. One choice. One choice. There are some 70s women that you bring up. I feel
01:43:29like you might still. Well, I liked all the Charlie. You know what? I liked all the Charlie's angels,but I could I live with them? Kate Jackson was I think the cutest one. I loved Kate Jackson withthat smoky voice. And when she was on the rookies, how much time I got left? You think about 30seconds? 35. Who else did I like? Another smoky voice with some curves was the chick in the beginningof Cheers. And she was on Fat Actress and she looked like a pig. Oh, Kirsty Alley? Yeah. She'sreally beautiful. She's gorgeous. She is a beautiful woman. Very beautiful. Fuck. So,Kirsty Alley, Circa Cheers, Kate Jackson, Circa Charlie's Angels, but you only get one. I knowthere's got to be somebody else. I know somebody else. This is too fucking quick.
01:44:24No, no, no, I got 10 seconds. You got to count down.10, 9, 8, 7, 6, What?Mary and Ross. Who's Mary and Ross? She played the mom on Happy Days. I had nothing. I had to gowith something funny. Do I get to choose? Nope. Here, but I'm here. I know you're here, but thequestion wasn't for you. Let it go. Summer, baby, summer, baby, sunny, sunny, baby, sunny, baby,dear, dear, Billy. I can admit that's a fucking.No, that's actually good. He has abs and he can sing, you know, so you get the movie star andthe rock star. Jesus Christ. All right, summer, baby, dear, Billy, SPF 1000. You get it because
01:45:10I'm pasty. You know some cunt wrote me on Twitter saying like, hey, Bill, I want to take a pictureat the Ryman, but you're so pasty. It just looked like a bunch of clothes and which is true. I'mdefinitely pasty, but here's a little tip for you people out there. I want to take a picture duringa show. Why don't you use a fucking camera? You know, I love how it's always me and my pigmentsfault rather than you and your phone. You're taking a picture with a phone. It's a phone.It's a camcorder. It's a texting device. It's something you can watch porno on. Oh, and it'salso a camera. It's trying to do too many things. It's wearing too many hats. You bring a fuckingcamera in there. It can capture me in all my lack of pigment. All right, so quit blaming me. It's
01:45:54your fucking phone. All right. Big plans for this summer. I know you live out there in theperfect climate. No, I don't. I don't. It gets hot as hell here in the summertime and it catcheson fire. He said for people, not soil. He said, well, that's funny, but what's on tap in themonths of June, July and August? You ever think about getting a jet ski and hunting sharks on thecoast? Do you have a pool? What are you excited for? I am excited to not kill sharks. I think it'sdisgusting that people do that shit and I think it's disgusting that people swim in the fuckingocean. I think you shouldn't do that shit. That's disgusting. It's reckless. I don't have a pool.What am I excited for? I'm doing Mike Johnston's another one of his workouts and I'm leading
01:46:45with the left hand. One of his drum exercises. I'm leading with the left hand and it's gettingfucking stronger every day and I'm having a hell of a time playing drums. I'm excited to ride somemotorcycles this summer. I'm excited to take my dog on a hike. I'm excited to not fucking work fora couple of months after I take my special, other than doing the local clubs out here to build up mynext hour. And of course, I'm also doing the, I'm doing that benefit on July 14th at the GreenBuilding in Brooklyn, New York with Jimmy Smith. James Smith, sorry. And it was Jimmy Smith.Jimmy Smith's fucking NYPD blue. All right, last thing. Girlfriend constantly gets hit on.Jesus Christ. Hey, Nia. Come in here for this one. Jesus Christ. All right.
01:47:46The landscaper. They're not the landscaper. These are the people who actually plant the fuckingtomatoes. As you can tell, all I do is tell jokes. I don't fucking know how to do anythingelse. I can't even drive myself back from the fucking airport. I lose my sunglasses like anold man. I have caretakers at this point. Dear Billy Redballs, I've been with my girlfriend foraround a year and I've noticed that lots of other men hit on her. I mean a lot. Now this happensalmost never, oh, this almost never happens when I'm around. Oh, that's respectful. But she tellsme at least a few times a week about a creepy stranger who approaches her or cat calls her.I have to say, it makes me pretty uncomfortable but proud at the same time. The weird part of all
01:48:27this is that while my girlfriend is Asian, it's only older black men that hit on her.Wow, that's weird. She must have a fucking fat ass or something. No disrespect. Now we're both incollege and I just got back from four months studying abroad in France. While I was there,she told me about a guy in a parking garage that came up behind her and groped her. I told you,she's got a fat ass. A guy who stopped traffic in the middle of downtown Atlanta just to saywhat's up. And a tutor who flat out asked if she's single and started to insult me withoutever having met me. Oh my god, that's fucking awesome. I'm sorry, but that's hilarious. He'shitting on one of his students, finds out he has a boyfriend. Hey, he sounds like a douche.
01:49:18How soon before that guy gets fired? Anyways, cashiers at Starbucks drop comments too and shesays they always stare at my chest. Is she trying to make me jealous? Well, have you conveyed to herhow that makes you feel? You know, just say, hey, not for nothing. You are gorgeous. I understandwhy people look at you. I mean, I looked at you. I didn't look at you like a creep.You know, I just thought you was stunningly beautiful and I had to talk to you. And nowhere we are in this relationship, but I don't know. I don't know why she's doing that.Do you not tell us she's beautiful all the time? Are you not giving her something that she needs?So she's saying, look at all these other people who want me. Or is she just out of her fucking
01:50:03mind? I don't know. Let's keep reading. Now for the summer, she's also in a study. She's alsoin a study abroad program, but in Barcelona. Jesus Christ. Who is this right now? Is this likeyou guys are living a hell of a life here? While they were out in a little group exploring the city,one guy with her tried to hold her hand and tried to play it off as just a joke. Jesus,I can't get mad at that. We've all had a big swing and a miss. What are you doing? Oh,no, no, I was just kidding. I was just kidding. Anyways, I don't know why she tells me aboutthese things, but she knows, oh, she knows it makes you feel uncomfortable. If I was ever therewith her, I doubt this would ever happen, but we're unfortunately long distance until July.
01:50:52I'm kind of worried because she's under 21, but now she's in Europe. She's able to drink and I'mscared someone is going to try and take advantage of her and there's nothing I can do. Am I crazyfor having this bother me so much? I don't know what I can do to stop it or even if,or even if it would stop when I'm with her, how do I keep them away?Let me ask you a question, sir. Do you love this woman?You know, is this the woman that you think you're going to be with?If you have a definite answer, yes, then you need to talk to her about this.Okay. And just say, listen, you're a beautiful woman and I'm just going to have to accept the fact
01:51:35that when I'm not around, guys are going to ask you out the same way I did. Okay. But for my ownsanity, I would really appreciate it if he didn't tell me about it. Okay. Unless obviously somebodygropes you, then I want to find the guy and kill him. If your answer is no, you're studying abroadin France. I just came back from there. The most beautiful women I've ever seen in my lifeper capita are over there. You're going to be foreign. You're going to have a fucking sexy accentto them. Cut your fucking losses, go down and buy some fucking condoms and have at it.All right. That's that's my suggestion. I hope I didn't go too quickly with that.But how do you keep them away? You can't keep them away. And when you date a beautiful woman,
01:52:24you just, you have to accept on some level that guys are going to hit on him, hit on him,hit on her and you can't get mad at that. They're beautiful. You did the same fucking thing.You can't tell me before you didn't get to know her as a person. If you really do love her,that when you looked at her, you didn't, she went, God, you didn't something.You didn't say something like that. So, um, yeah, you know, I don't know what to tell you.You're going to have, you're going to have to find a middle ground. If you're going to staywith this woman, you either have to fucking, uh, yeah, you got to convey that it's bugging youand then make peace with the fact that it's still going to fucking happen on some level.
01:53:03All right. But, uh, she's really young and you must be really young too. And you're both going tocountries where they fuck because, you know, that's what's to do over there. I'm such an idiot, butI'm just saying, you know, what are you going to do? Oh, that was awful. Sorry. I just got offa fucking plane. I tried, I tried. Um, that's my advice. If you know what, I'm jet lagged here.If I fucking somebody has some better advice, just write it into the, uh, bill at the mmpodcast.comand, uh, I'll try to maybe do a better job next week. That's the podcast for this week.Sorry. Now I got the hiccups. That's it. Everybody go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful, uh,wonderful week. And, uh, I'm going to go watch the fucking rangers play the Canadians. See you.
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