Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-2-19

Episode Date: May 2, 2019

Bill rambles about the age of humanity, Endgame, and becoming Billy Birkenstock.

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difference. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and ah ha ha ha, I'm checking in on you. Sorry. How are you? I'm in Helsinki.

I'm in Helsinki. I just did Stockholm the other night. I did Copenhagen. I'm in Helsinki. I'm in Helsinki. I'm in Helsinki. I got, I just did Stockholm the other night. I did Copenhagen two shows the night before and fucking Iceland on Monday, but having

a great time. Joe Bartnick coming over here like he's always been over here. I actually asked him because he's been crushing so hard and so not like in his head, you know, about being over here thinking, oh, I'm going to do a joke about ducks. Do they have ducks? Do I need to say canard? He hasn't been doing any of that shit and he's been killing. So I asked him last night when we were in Stockholm, I was like, how many times you've

been over here? And he goes, Europe, like, yeah, and he goes, never. That's why people love Joe Bartnick because Joey B is Joey B, no matter where he is. Yeah, he's been killing and I've been, I've been having some good sets over here. Trying out the new shit, the race against time. You know, I heard Joe Rogan say the other day that he was, he put in six months of work and he's got a new hour that he's happy with, you know, because his special came out. And you know, I was, I don't know, I just get, I get like amped up when I hear shit

like that. But so I'm trying not to jump the gun. If you guys are, you know, if you want to hear my process, my process about building a new hour is I usually dump the shit I'm most sick of first, you know what I mean? And it's a weird time. It's a weird time for your act because what happens is you get really excited about the new stuff and then the old stuff still works and nobody's really seen it yet. But you know, you're getting rid of it.

So you feel like you ever go on a date with somebody, you know, and you know, you're going to break up with them and you're out to dinner and she's just like, you want dessert? You're like, no, no, let's wrap this up. That's how that's, that's what you have to fight with your jokes. Like you start trying to wrap them up and then jokes that were funny are now not funny because you're trying to rush through them. So I kind of figured that out the last couple of nights and had some great shows. And I don't know, I did Stockholm last night and some of the stuff people said to me in

the stage was making me a little nervous where I was like, you know, I said something. I'm not a big political guy, but I've been doing this joke over here was where I just go, you know, and as you all know, in America right now, we currently have our greatest president of all time, you know, and people usually laugh because generally speaking, they don't like him. And it was sort of quiet. There was a couple of people who just went like, yeah, I was just like, really? And I hung out with some people afterwards and they were kind of saying that, oh, and

I mentioned, I mentioned during the show, I was saying, this is nothing against people from Stockholm. They just let me know where people are kind of at. And they were saying, I go, can I ask you a question? I go, is this bullshit going to start up again over here? And they kind of got a little uncomfortable like and kind of said, yeah, I don't know if they were joking or what, the bullshit meaning another world war. I don't know.

It's weird. Then I kind of talked to some people afterwards and granted, I only talked to two people and it was their opinion, but they were saying that it's just kind of getting like racist or whatever. Now they get ever went away. I don't know. People are fucking awful. Two people I talked to a nice and, you know, something 90% of the fucking people that I

talked to were nice. And you know, the rest are like racist or like hardcore feminists, you know, just people you can't even have a fucking conversation with. Stoundingly ignorant to walk through the fucking world thinking that you have all the answers and you're going to be the one that solves it. How long have people been on this planet? I don't know. When did Jesus die?

Fucking 2020 years ago, then you had like 500 years before him. Is that what it was? I have no idea how long people have been on this planet. Hang on a second. Let me look that up. How long have people, this would be funny just to leave it there to see what they suggest that I should search here. How long have people, no suggestion, been, I can't say here, right?

That's even too stupid for Google. How long have people been on the earth? This will take me to Scientology. Well, before we were in a spaceship. How long have people been on earth? Do you imagine if Scientology is right, there was some spaceship, right? And then they just fucking dropped us down here with absolutely no fucking, what I mean, how fucking advanced would they be technologically, right?

Anybody? Can you hear me here? Can they just fucking leave you to start all over again? And then that would basically be, this would be a global survivor, like this big fucking reality show that they're watching. Here's a question. Any Scientologists listen to this? Here's my question that goes, this reminds me of this Joe Rogan bit he used to do about

Noah's Ark, where he was talking about how many species are on the planet and if he had two of each and he was like, how big is this fucking boat? Doesn't that kind of work with Scientology? Like do you guys have a finite number of members that you can have and at that point, like the spaceship's not going to be big enough or is it going to be a whole fleet? I don't know. I don't know why that religion has been interesting me. Interesting me?

Interesting? I think right there, I just got, yeah, we don't need this guy. All right, how long have humans been on Earth? Why can't they just answer the question? This is what I fucking hate about smart people. They got to go on and on and on. It starts off, while our ancestors have been around for about six million years, just give me a number.

What am I buying a fucking car here? While our ancestors have been around for about six million years, the modern form of humans only evolved about 200,000 years ago. Yeah, weren't there like two different kinds and one of them lived and the other ones didn't? There's somebody beat somebody else? I don't know. The only part, the only thing I know about that history is movies, not even documentaries. That's how not read I am.

I don't even watch documentaries. Civilization as we know it is only about 6,000 years old. What does that mean? Running water? That goes back to Roman times. They held the title for 4,000 years before they whacked Jesus. Was that their downfall? They killed Jesus?

Is that what happened? Or did they stretch it out too far like Hitler? Did they fight a war in two fronts? I mean, it all just fucking melts together after a while, doesn't it? All right, about 6,000 years old and industrialization started in earnest only in the 1800s. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, future generations are paying for that. I'll tell you what a fucking life we're living.

Flat screen TVs and fucking cell phones. Speaking of cell phones, Helsinki. I'm in Helsinki. This is where Nokia started. Angry Birds. What else are they known for here? Hockey? Bel-Terry Botos?

Huh? Who fucking won? I got to see that race. This is going to be like the first year I watched when Louis Hamilton went up against the other guy there, that little Ricky Schroeder looking dude, Nico Rosberg. And he fucking won, beat Louis Hamilton, and then his girlfriend was like, I don't want you to do it anymore. And he was like, all right, I don't think that's what happened because he still stayed

away. At some point he would have dumped her. He would have missed the sound of the engine, right? All right, so I guess we've been around for 6,000 years as we know it. We went 1,000 years ago, the first fucking humans. I'll tell you what's fucking amazing about all of this is I have no idea why I even fucking looked this up. I don't know.

This is my new thing, how I deal with my short-term memory when I can't remember stuff. I just think, if I can't remember, was it really that important? Anyway, plowing ahead here. Here's a great story. It's not a great story. It kind of is, though, all right? Why do they do that shit? We're going to make you watch this fucking ad.

I don't want to watch it. Close the fucking ad. I'm going to hit mute because they don't get paid. Is that what the fuck it is? Stop. Stop. Thank you. All right.

Avenger fans brutally beat man outside cinema after he loudly revealed the surprise ending to the blockbuster endgame movie. I love both sides of this story. I mean, that is just the ultimate, cunty thing to do. It's so fucking funny. And then I got to admit, you have to respect how much people care about this franchise. And if you're going to do something like that, I mean, he kind of got the ass kick and he deserved, right?

Like God, it was a mob of nerds who would be fucking dead. Do you realize what you have to do? I mean, nerds are supposed to be these nonviolent people who just kind of sit around and be awkward all the time. I love that they fucking tapped into their inner Chuck Norris. You found the breaking point. You go in and you fuck with their superhero franchise. Look at them.

They turn into their cavemen selves from 200,000 years ago. Look at me sounding smart all of a sudden. I mean, they surpassed modern civilization as we've known it for the last 6,000 years and went back to our earliest ancestors of 2,000 years. Listen to that, huh? The beginning of a Dennis Miller joke. I think I'm smart now. A man has reportedly been beaten up outside his cinema after loudly revealing the plot

of the new Avenger film to queuing fans, Q, U, E, U, I, N, G. There you go. There goes all my Dennis Miller. Now I'm a dummy again. Film queuing to queuing fans who hadn't seen it yet. So he walked out of a showing and they were all standing in line. And he went, the Hulk is green because he has gonorrhea or whatever the fuck he yelled out because they're all bang and wonder woman. Is this even the right franchise?

Someone was trying to tell me that they've made 23 of these movies, 23 of these fucking movies, just for all you other people who just watch sports like me. Just to give you a motive for how this guy turned a pack of fucking awkward nerds so you could probably walk up, slap them in the head and take their fucking popcorn and they wouldn't do anything as long as they held onto their movie ticket. This guy found out what it was. It reminded me of a long time ago. This guy ran for president that I voted for and I can't even remember his fucking name.

He was the guy that everybody blamed for the first George Bush for getting in. Because everybody made the assumption that if you voted for this guy then if you didn't vote for that guy you would have voted for fucking Al Gore. Getting the fact of how fucking horrific Al Gore was, all fucking sweaty Al. You didn't laugh enough in the last debate. You didn't smile and all of a sudden you're just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, looking like a fucking robot. Let me see.

Well, looking back that was a fucking era. We should, you know, I don't give a fuck if you're conservative. I think we should have gone Al Gore, you know, then maybe we don't go to Iraq and become bankrupt and have to give champions of sports fast food when they show up at the White House. I'm probably oversimplifying all of this, but, you know, I'm a man who just learned how long we've been on this planet. So why are you listening to me? All right, what the fuck am I talking about here?

Yeah, so this guy found the fucking, so anyways, they've been made 23 of these fucking movies. So let's just say the average movie is 90 minutes, two hours long. Okay, these poor people standing in line had 46 hours invested into this. Well, wait, we'll say 44 hours, plus the trap, all the fucking money that they spent. And this was the final one. And that fucking asshole, I wonder if he was even a fan. If he just went in like this was like some sort of like, I mean, that's like something that an opiate Anthony would have come up with back in the day, like some brilliant fucking thing like that.

I don't know, this is one of these weird ones where I kind of see both sides of it. Like what that kid did was fucking hilarious, and it was also horrific. And he deserved the ass kick and I'm on both sides of the fence here. I would love to interview this kid and ask just ask him, why did you do that? Did you know you were going to do it? Do you have Tourette's or something like, why the fuck did you do that? And what were you thinking when they started to attack you? Do you regret doing it?

I don't know. I mean, if I'm sitting on that jury, I say that those fans had motive. If I'm arguing, I mean, that's like you got to think how young the average fucking fan is of this. I mean, they invested half their fucking lives into this. This guy just came in and told him what, I don't know, what chimney Santa Claus was coming down. I have, you know what? I have no, I don't know. There's so many of these fucking things that people are telling you, you got to why.

Have you seen Game of Thrones? Have you seen fucking, what is this one called? The Avengers and you just get so like fucking hopelessly behind it. Reminds me of my junior year in math club. You know, my senior year, junior year, I still tried. I tried until October and it just gets to this. There's like a point where you're just so far behind that you just give up hope. Like I'm not passing.

I can't, I'm just too far behind. Like, I don't think I'll ever see Game of Thrones, which is a sad thing because I know it's really good. I, you know, what is it, like 19 fucking seasons or something? You got to fucking, I remember Lost. Lost was the first one that I was just like, I was too far behind and I was just like, I'm not fucking watching this. And then they fucked everybody on the ending of that. So that one I feel good about. Maybe that's the way you do it.

What you do is you let other people go on point and you let them watch the show for you. And then they'll report back to you like, oh my God, that fucking ending sucked. What a waste of fucking time. And you go, all right, well fuck that then, right? All right. So Avenger fans, is it worth me sitting down for 46 hours? That should literally be like a fucking, you know, if anybody, you can stay awake for 46 straight hours and watch all Avenger movies right in a row. The last person to fall asleep, the last person to fall asleep, I don't know, wins two big green Hulk fists, whatever the fuck you people are into.

Ah, shit. Somebody just sent me a text. I was trying to think of the name of this fucking comedian who I just doesn't do it anymore. Probably is into producing or something like that, whatever. What are you the way I hope they're happy? You ever have somebody's fucking head that face pops into your head, you know? And you're like, what the fuck was that guy's name? I haven't seen him forever, you know?

So then you can look him up on Facebook and see where the fuck they're at. Then you see how much older they are. Then you realize that you look that much older than them. And you don't recognize any of the people that they're with. And it's like, did I ever even fucking know that person? You know? Then you just start thinking like, what is it all about? What the fuck am I doing out here?

Is this what my life is? Going to beautiful cities for 17 hours? Then getting on another plane and leaving? Then you look to see if they got a late night menu and you start ordering bad food and, you know, start spiraling down. No. I've been doing, I didn't do well in Iceland. I was on vacation when I was in Iceland. And then I, oh, Billy was getting the old belly coming back.

But I don't know, I had a couple of fucking moments there. I don't like going fishing. I like it, but then I don't like it. It's exciting and all of that, but like, I just don't like, it's weird because I've eaten so much fish in my life, but to actually fucking pull it out of the sea, see how beautiful it is, and then fucking kill the thing, you know? I mean, I felt bad. I didn't even eat the fucking head, too. It's like, Jesus Christ, dude, what the fuck, you know?

I don't know. We threw the rest of it into the fucking ocean, but it bugged me. The cows, I didn't know cows were that good looking. So this is what I'm doing now. You know what's funny is I know all you guys are cringing going, oh my God. Is he going to start wearing Bergen stocks and becoming Bill Bergen stocks, right? He's going to get a fucking, I'm going to scotch tape a man bun to the back of my bald head, and then I'm going to start preaching to you guys about fucking being a vegan.

Oh, dude, this is such a fucked up analogy, man. Because I got to tell you something like, you know how cruel they are to fucking animals as a carnivore, and you just don't want to watch it. If you have any sort of heart, you just don't want to watch it, and you just fucking block it out. I saw this thing where there's some conservative talk show host that got a fucking death threat. So I'm like, who the hell is this guy? I don't know who this guy is. So I looked him up, and he did this fucking thing, some rant on like abortion, and, you know,

he showed, I saw like 0.5 seconds. He showed a picture of an abortion. I was just like, dude, what the fuck? You know, I'm not going to get involved in my views on that thing. You know, whatever you want to do is whatever you want to do, but you might want to look at some photos. Jesus fucking Christ. It's one of the worst things I've ever seen. I probably shouldn't have said that because now his fans are going to say, I'm not going to get involved in that shit,

and I don't want to fucking sit there because I don't know shit. All right, so don't fuck. I'm not an ally of either side of that fucking argument. I think it's your own fucking, do whatever the fuck you want to do. Okay, but you should probably look at a slideshow first. That's all I can say. So I haven't said that. This is what I'm going to do now.

I think when I'm on the road, I'm going to be vegetarian for breakfast. Oh, no, I had eggs. Oh, that's still vegetarian, right? No, that's a meat. I already fucked it up. Whatever. I was going to try to go veggie for breakfast and then for lunch and then for dinner. I'll have something, you know?

And I'll see how that goes. I've been doing that for the last couple of days and it's good. I'm dropping fucking weight. You know, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm shitin' like a fucking racehorse. It's ridiculous. It's like, I mean, I'm going to the bathroom like a fucking cokehead. People looking at me waiting to sniff.

It's like, you're looking at the wrong end there. All right, abortions, shit jokes, dead animals. Where else do we go from here? World War III. I think we pretty much, I think it's time for some advertising. All right, let's do it here. What do we got here? We got, this is a long, long, hey, you know, write in about that.

Write in about fucking remembering faces but forgetting the names and then you remember them and then you go on Facebook and try to look them up and just see where the fuck they ended up, you know? Whenever I do that, I just, I pray to God they're happy. I want to see joy. That's what I want to see, you know? I'm not as big a cunt as everybody thinks. All right, here we go. Where am I? Where am I? Where am I? Jesus.

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I'm going to. This is what I'm going for in here in Helsinki. I'm getting fresh fresh seasonal salad that I'm getting the salmon soup. So whatever. I'm fucking trying. I'm trying in any vegetarians or vegans out there that, you know, you got some good meals that I can kind of toss in there. I'd love to do it because I'm feeling pretty good feeling light on my on my freckled toes here. My freckled pasty toes.

Just don't give me any of that tofu shit. All right. I don't like tofu. I don't know what tofu is. I don't know what it's trying to be. And I also don't like that shit where it's like, you know, they have like the fake meat. Like I like a black bean burger, you know, or if you make a lentil burgers, it's actually made from something. I don't like when they just mush a bunch of shit together and then try to make it look like meat.

It's just like, you know, it's like be yourself, you know, be who the fuck you are. I have a great recipe for a lentil burger where it's also like it's got beats in it. The cilantro and some other green shit that you put in there and a little bit of breadcrumbs. It's fucking tremendous, but it's hard to eat that when you're out here on the road. That was the one thing I did like about Iceland though. As much as I didn't order anything like that, they did have plenty of options. So anyways, I'll see how this goes. You know, I think I'm always going to eat meat, but I think I'm going to do it like once a day as opposed to like fucking three times a day.

And part of it's because of animals. I'll tell you what's weird about pigs is if you see a little piglet, they're fucking adorable. And then you think, I can't believe I eat that. Then you just see some fat pig and it's just like, I don't give a fuck. Give it two behind its pink ear. Let's fucking eat. Anyways, all right, that's it. Thank you to everybody who's been coming out on this tour, man.

I'm playing these fucking really impressively sized venues over here that have been absolutely beautiful. And it blows my mind that people are coming out here. So I do want to take the time to say thank you for that. And I'm really looking forward. I got two shows here tonight and in Helsinki and then it's on to Oslo, Norway, and then I'm in Amsterdam. And we got the next day off and I'm in Amsterdam. Although we are traveling to Tel Aviv, but you know, that's going to be fun. Put it that way.

But I'm not drinking, you know, I think I'm going to eat like a pot cookie or something like that. And just walk around the city, mildly tripping. I will not be getting on a bicycle. But yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I think that's what the fuck I'm going to do. You know, good clean fun. All right, that's it. Enjoy your weekend, your cunts.

Enjoy the music. And we've got another half hour of the greatest hits of a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcasts from a year ago or early this year. I always forget how he does it. All right, that's it. See you. I do believe it's taking some time. Slow chairs as wind slid on by. Oh yeah, on that cunt side. Stairs lying, standing lying.

To be there with you slowly flying. That's where you lie. That's where you lie. You can't let on anybody when you're left alone. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 2nd, 2011. How the hell are you? There's a landmark week for me in my career and in this podcast because for the first time ever, I'm actually, I have an advertiser.

No bullshit. I have an advertiser like a real live radio show on this podcast and I know what you guys are thinking. You're probably like, oh, Jesus. He's got advertising. So what does that mean, Bill? Does that mean you're not going to use the word cunt anymore? No, it does not. Does that mean you're going to tone it down?

No, it doesn't. All it means is that it continues to be fucking free for you cheap motherfuckers. No, I'm kidding, not cheap. Just financially challenged motherfuckers. You're still motherfuckers. You're still fuckers of mothers. But anyway, so this week, for the first time ever, I do have, I'm going to have some advertising and I'm actually working on some t-shirts and that type of thing. I'm trying to take this thing to the next level, maybe have a merch page, whatever the hell I got to do.

I appreciate everybody who's gone on to the MM podcast page and clicked on the donation button. I appreciate it. I really appreciate it. So with that, this week, my one and only advertiser, the first ever legend. This is one of these legendary moments in the podcast. Like when I switched from yapping on my phone as I drove down the street and I actually got a mixer, this is the first advertiser. And you're probably thinking, hey, Bill, what are you going to do? Are you going to advertise some booze?

Are you going to advertise some weed? No, I'm not. I'm actually going to give a lot of guys out there a little bit of a heads up. Mother's Day is coming up this Sunday, isn't it? I don't know. I didn't look it up. I think it is. See, this is what happens every Mother's Day, right? Who doesn't love their mother?

Serial killers, right? Serial killers don't love their mothers. Everybody else, you love your mother, right? But as much as you try every year, what happens? Mother's Day sneaks up on you and all of a sudden, Saturday night, you're out drinking a couple of beers, a couple of fucking pale ales, and all of a sudden, somebody mentions it. You know, the waitress with the fucking cleavage hanging out. She'll mention, oh, yeah, tomorrow.

You know, you're trying to pick her up. What are you doing tomorrow? Maybe we should hang out, go play fucking horseshoes or something, you know? My brother's got a cottage up in New Hampshire, dude. She come up there and then she's like, I can't. I'm spending time with my mother's tomorrow because it's Mother's Day. And then what do you do? You go, oh, fuck, it's Mother's Day.

So what do you do? You run down to CVS, you know? Any port in the storm. You run down to the local drugstore and you go and you try to find a fucking Mother's Day card. But by the time you get down there, there's only two left, right? What do you got? There's the fucking one that has like a fart joke on it, and then the one that's so affectionate, it's borderline incestuous, right?

So now what do you do? Now you got a shitty card. The fucking envelopes are all creased up. They're laying all over the fucking place. And your mother can see it. When you hand it to her, she can see it. It's not a good card. It's just like, you motherfucker, I carried you around in my fucking home for nine months.

I raised your brat ass the entire fucking life. And this is what you do. You get me the goddamn leftover card that nobody wanted at CVS. You couldn't even go to Walmart and get me a shacket to go along with it. All right. Well, I have the solution. This is a classic thing for guys. My sponsor this week is proflowers.com.

All right. So all you got to do is, you want me to read that copy rather than tell my silly little story? Hey, everybody, Mother's Day is around the corner, and ProFlowers always has great specials for radio listeners, exclamation point. At proflowers.com, you will find huge selections of gorgeous, gorgeous Mother's Day bouquet starting as low as $19.99. Plus, you'll get a free vase with any floral purchase. Isn't that great? You get a free vase, you know, just lay it in her lap like she just ran the fucking Kentucky Derby.

You know, at that rate, you can get flowers for all the moms in your life. Your mother, your grandmother, your sister's mother. That didn't make any sense. Your girlfriend's a mother, or anybody, any broad in your life. You want to send flowers? This is the website you go to. All right. If you want to call them up and you can get this shit out of the way so you can watch the games,

the playoff hockey, and the NBA, all that. Call 800-PRO-FLOWERS and mention the Monday morning podcast. Bill Burr, say my name so then I get credit. Or better yet, as they say, go to proflowers.com. Click on the microphone in the top right-hand corner. That's a big thing. When you go to the website, there's a microphone, right? When you go to ProFlowers and you just get the upper right-hand corner.

It says, hear about us on radio or TV. Just click right there. Then you type in the password, which is my last name, B-U-R-R. Pick out some flowers, bang, zoom. They fucking send it right to your house. You hand it to your mother. You take out a ukulele. You get down on one knee.

You sing or a song and you're done. The next thing you know, you guys are both drinking booze. Right. There you go. See, wasn't that painless? Told you a little funny story. I read the copy. I got it out of the way.

So seriously, guys, if you want to order those things, you know, if you want to do it, go to proflowers.com. There's a microphone right in the corner. You click on that. You type in the password, B-U-R-R. And I'll actually get the goddamn credit. All right. There you go. And with that, let's get home with the podcast.

All right. It was like old school. The host of the show was doing it like in the 1950s. You know, this is the Crest toothpaste hour. Hello, folks. Are your teeth falling out of your head? Did you not notice because you've been in a mind for the last 20 years and you don't belong to a union? Thank God for Crest.

It's got fluoride. Soon to be in your drinking water. So you're a lot more elacidase, lackadaisical, however you say the fucking word. And you're less likely to question authority. I am in New York City, people. You're probably like, why, Bill? Why are you in New York City? I'll tell you why.

Me and Joda Rosa and Robert Kelly, you heard last week. Our film debuted in the prestigious Tribeca Film Festival and I went to two of the screenings. I'm going to another screening tonight and I got to tell you something. That is the most nervous I've ever fucking been. I'd have to go back to the first time I did Letterman or maybe the first time I even did stand up. Just the feeling of like, what if this goes bad and I have absolutely no control if it does. And fortunately, it went well. And I got to tell you something.

I got to tell you something. I don't say this too often. I was really proud of it. I knew we didn't pull any punches, but when I saw it, watching it with the crowd was a whole different vibe. Plus watching it up against some of the other movies. I was really nervous because their movies, they were great. And some were really serious and I was just going, oh my god. What the hell is ours going to hold up against?

And fortunately, it did. And we've had a great festival and tonight is the last night. And I got to tell you people, I have never been more tempted to booze since I quit boozing than this goddamn week. But I got 200 days coming up. I didn't want to fuck that up. And then once I go over 200 days, that's it. I'm just going to fucking, I think I'm just going to pull myself out. Like Cal Ripken.

I'm just going to say, alright, tell what this shit. You know, fuck it. What more do I need to prove? It's not like I have a drinking problem. I just have a huge head problem. Do you guys know that that's really the real reason why I quit? Not because I was getting drunk, coming home, blaming my day on Nia, slapping around on a kitchen table. And then later taking out a fucking frozen box of peas and putting it on the side of her fucking left titty because I gave her a fucking uppercut.

Right? That's not why. It's because I already have a giant head, a pumpkin head, as some of the people on the internet have said. Which always makes me giggle. That's why I quit drinking. I just got sick. Something like, look, who's kidding who? You hit middle age and I don't give a fuck.

You just don't look as good. But there's no reason to help it along. You know what I mean? It's pure vanity. That's why I fucking stopped. And you know the deal. You know in the broads, they fucking hit middle age. They've squeezed out a couple of fucking kids.

Now they resent the fuck anybody who has free time. You know, because they made a decision to take a hot one right between the fucking legs. You know, that was your choice. I want one. I want to have a kid that's so cute. Then they have one. And then they're a bunch of fucking... It's Mother's Day this week, everybody. Let's not lose sight of that.

This is gonna go bad. Oh Jesus. Yeah, mothers are just, they're fucking pains in the head. There's no reason to go to pro flowers. Just give them a bouquet and shove it in their face. All right already, we got it. You regretted your decision and I'm a fucking reminder of it. So anyways, I'm already picturing pro followers, people listening to it.

That's just such, that's, you know, is this groundbreaking way of selling flowers? Because it seems weird to me. Anyway, I'm talking about how people age, right? So what do women do? Okay, then they have a couple of kids. And they're so fucking goddamn busy. All right, that not only do they not have time to do a sit-up, they don't even have time to fucking wash their hair anymore.

So they all go out and get that Wayne Gretzky haircut that he had when he got married. You know, all short on the side like Adolf Hitler. And then they poof it up on top. You know, the Katie Lang. They get that haircut. And they're like, oh my God, I love it. I love it. It's so easy to deal with, right? Not knowing that when their husband bends them over, they feel like they're fucking a dude.

You know? A dude with tits. Right? That's what you feel like. So that's how they age. You know, and then what happens with guys? Guys age like John Travolta and Alec Baldwin. It's very rare that a celebrity will actually just continue to fucking eat booze and do what regular people do and just allow themselves to age the way regular people do.

You know, that shit. You know that deal where you, I don't know, eat like a pig all summer and then it comes the winter time and you take out your button down shirt and you got a t-shirt on underneath it because you don't want to sweat your way through it because you're such a fat fucking booze bag at that point. And then you just, you don't even notice and all of a sudden for some reason, it used to be you can only see your t-shirt up top near your neck. Now you can see it in between like each button

because the fucking fabric of your button down is stretched so goddamn far. That's why, that's why I quit boozing. I had, you know, every year I buy like four or five button down shirts and those are my, I'm gonna headline for an hour doing comedy shirts, right? And they usually last me a year, but I had this one, I didn't even notice. You know, because you, you know, you put on a couple pounds a week, you don't fucking notice. All of a sudden I was taking pictures and the button that was right, you know, between my mantits, the fabric was just, it looked like the shirt was gonna explode.

So that's basically why I, that's why I quit the boozing. So I recommend it, I recommend going off the sauce for a minute. So now what I want to experiment with as far as my boozing and I want to know if there's anybody tried this. I'm gonna drink one day a month and when I do, it's gonna be fucking epic. I'm gonna get it all out of the way in one day. Beer and whiskey all at the same time, giant chalices of fucking booze

and then I'm gonna hate myself for like a day or two and then I'm just gonna get on with my month. Has anybody been able to do that? Cause I tried doing that last time and then it became twice a month, three times a month. And next thing you know, I'm doing a fucking keg stand and my face has turned red and I'm just like, what am I doing? You know? But I don't think I'm an alcoholic.

I just have a job where I can booze. You know? What's the worst that happens? I show up hungover and I bitch about how I'm a fucking loser and then everybody laughs cause they feel better about their lives. Like he's doing worse than us. This guy's awesome. So let me know if you guys out there, do you have any sort of...

Do you have any sort of, I don't know, like... Has anybody been able to do that? Like just say, I only drink Saturdays. Or I drink one Thursday a month. Has anybody been able to stick with that? I don't know. That's my thing. I'm afraid to go back to it cause I was really...

I was looking like, well I don't look like a Baldwin but my torso did. You know, I had the Baldwin torso. I had the John Travolta torso. You know? A Ted Kennedy body. That's why the fuck I was... You know who said that shit by the way?

Bill Maher was in Rolling Stone this past week and I read it and he said how, you know, he just sticks to weed and they say he not like alcohol and he basically... I'm paraphrasing here. He said he loves it. He said, but as a guy after a while you just have to stop drinking or you end up looking like Ted Kennedy and it's fucking true.

Especially as a white dude. You get that W.C. Fields nose. Hey, my little chickadee. You don't want to look like that. Alright, you get the yellow eyes. You get that fucking jaundice. Oh God, but I miss it. Anyways, let's plow ahead here.

So anyways, I was talking about my... Can I say anyways any more fucking times in this podcast? Another thing that went on this week is we had the second anti-social comedy network show that we did up at Foxwood's in a 4,000 seat theater and we actually sold the thing out. I was absolutely blown away by not only the amount of people showed up but how great the crowd was.

Everybody was talking about it. For those of you who are on the outside, the anti-social network tour is put together by Jim Norton. Little Jimmy from the wonderful, Opie and Anthony radio program. He put together this tour. It's me, Jim Brewer, David Tell and obviously Jim Norton. We've been selling a ton of tickets and it's been great.

Everybody does 20 minutes. We come out, we hit you with our best stuff and we kicked the shit out of that crowd and they were just a great crowd. They laughed. You could bring them up, you could bring them down. They were just a phenomenal crowd and then we just do a little question and answering afterwards.

Five minutes and then we whore ourselves out afterwards taking pictures, signing shit and everybody goes back to gambling. It was just this amazing theater. I was actually talking to Brewer because I had this fucking upper deck and we immediately started talking about playing wiffle ball and about whether or not we could hit the upper deck from the stage, man. It was just close enough where it was a nice fucking poke but Jesus, that would have been a great time

except the people who run the theater would have thought it was obnoxious. Look at these guys. They get to tell jokes and play wiffle ball. What the fuck? What next? They can drink every night. But I want to thank everybody who came down there and if that tour interests you,

we've been selling a ton of tickets down there in Washington, DC. We're playing there on May 13th. So get your fucking asses down there, alright? Look at this, it's a goddamn recession. You get four comics for the fucking price of one. I am just whoring myself out on this podcast. ProFlowers.com, now I'm hyping the tour before I've even brought you an hour's worth of comedy.

How fucking dare I? Look at me, I'm becoming a corporate cunt. Everything. What would you guys do if I just totally fucking sell out on this podcast? I stop saying cunt. I actually build a cubicle around my bed. I changed the name of the podcast. This is brought to you by the Halliburton Monday Morning podcast

that we do every day now because the higher ups are making us. Hey, do you know Halliburton actually changed their fucking name? That was a weird way of saying um. I was working down in Houston, Texas and that's where they have at least their United States headquarters and they used to have this giant sign as you went to George Bush International. Go fuck yourself.

I love the Illuminati Airport down there. And they had this giant sign down there that would say Halliburton and they had such a bad public image that they actually made the sign a lot smaller and they kept making it smaller and then now they've just finally changed their names to like, you know, grandma's cupcakes or something like that. Something just completely pedestrian.

You know, it's funny. I don't even know what they do. Isn't that typical? Isn't that just typical of some whiny fucking cunt? I have no idea what they even do. What do they do? What are they? As far as I know, this is my layman's understanding of what they do

is basically they say to the Pentagon, well, you guys blow it up and then we'll rebuild it. We'll get our contractors in there, you know, and we'll build a little strip mall, we'll stick a Starbucks in there and everybody's going to want to be American. Everybody's going to want, you know how fucking fat I feel right now? I just went to a steakhouse

and there was these fucking real housewives chicks sitting up at the bar. These four white ladies, you know, just dressed like whores. I'll tell you right now, if you're a mom and you still dress like you're out there trying to get fucked, you're just a terrible mother, you know, and they should really, they should repossess your fucking kids. This is just going to all be about mothers this week as I try to get you to buy flowers.

You know, what are you doing with your tight fucking jeans? You know, your fucking goddamn hip-hugger jeans, goddamn C-section scar just above your bedazzled belt. For fuck's sakes, put some clothes on, you're a mother, it's over. You know, do you know I worked with someone recently, right? And they were fucking, you know, they mentioned that they had a kid, so I'm always asking about kids because I'm seriously thinking about having one. You know, sticking them in the corner next to a vase, you know.

Just adding it to like my possessions. I'll have my guitars. I've got a couple of guitars. What else do I have? I don't know a lot of shit. I got a desk. I'll stick them between the guitars and the desk. Just have them under there. And like, you know, when you have like those cakes that they have under glass at diners, I'll just have a fucking baby in there every once in a while.

I'll lift the lid off. I'll just fucking put it back over. Give it a bottle. Knock it off. Hey, knock it off. Is it awake? And I'll just tap on the glass. That's really creepy.

No, I've been thinking about having a kid, right? So, um, I ran into this mother after a show and she was talking about her son. And she looked young, right? She was like 30, 31 years old. And I go, uh, I go, how old is your son? She goes 11. And then she mentioned she had a daughter. How was your daughter?

She goes 13. So I do the math. She had him at 18 and 20. And I was just like, Jesus Christ. You started young, huh? And she said to me, she goes, yeah, got it out of the way. She goes, now it's me time. I'm just thinking in my head, what do you mean me time?

They're 11 and 13. The fuck are you two, you know, that's why I really think it's a good thing that I haven't had kids yet because I'm a selfish cunt. And I'm really into doing shit for myself. And there's just a lot of people out there. I don't know. I think they just have kids. And then they, I don't know, they stick them in front of the TV, watch a little teletubby, you know, and they're just bad parents. And then every once in a while you see a great fucking parent who's really involved with this kid, like this YouTube video that somebody sent me this week.

This guy sent me a YouTube video of his seven year old son as a drummer. This kid is the shit. Not only can he play it because I've seen kids play before, but he actually sings along with the song and he has a look of passion on his face. It's fucking awesome. You can watch all these videos, by the way, on the mmpodcast.com. The only thing I will say to this to the dad is you got to get that kid some sort of, you got to get him earplugs. You got to get him those, those Vic first earphones that you just put. It looks like the kid's going to use a weed whack.

I just have him wear those. It'll seem weird for the first couple of days, but I'm telling you that the kids ears are going to be fucking junk if you let him play without earplugs. Take it from me. I suffer from tinnitus or tetanus, however the fuck you say it, and that's that ringing in the ear. But, you know, there's nothing better than when you actually see good parents and I get nervous that I'm not going to be a good dad. And whenever I see, you know, whenever I see a bunch of fucking women who are mothers just dressed like they're out there looking to get banged, it's just like there's no way you're a good mom. You can't be a good mom. You dress too nicely. You know, moms look. They wear comfortable clothes.

They have that fucking look on their face like, Jesus Christ, what did I do with my life? That's a mom. You're not sitting down there with Ed Hardy panties on and then going, oh yeah, my daughter just graduated the seventh grade. Really? The fuck are you doing? What are you out here riding on the back of the Harley with your goddamn ass crack showing? You're not a mom. Right there. You ought to get a warning. You know, you should get a warning. Dress like a mom. Get the fuck out of here.

Sitting here drinking your goddamn booze in the middle of the day. With your bra strap showing. The fuck is wrong with you, lady? Am I wrong thinking that? Am I just being selfish because, you know, when I become a dad, I still want to have a cool car. I don't want to have that fucking van. I want to have a car that's cool and my kids aren't allowed in it. And when they ask me why, I'm going to say, because at your age, you're still a fucking animal.

Look at you. You got Cheerios all over your face. You got ice cream on your fingers. I don't even remember you having ice cream. What is that shit? You think you're going to get my dodge fucking challenge? I'm just going to have one nice car. That's going to be for me and Nia. When we go out and we get a sitter, right? That's, that's the, uh, let's pretend we don't have responsibility car. And we'll go out and have a dinner and come back in a couple hours.

And then we'll just have some shit fucking van. A shit van with those fucking NASCAR formula one seat belts that crisscross in front of you. Both for safety and also so those little bastards can't get up. You know, I still think I'm going to be a good dad despite the horrific shit I'm saying right now. Um, somebody sent me a grade. Oh, by the way, my, my special is still showing, still streaming on Netflix, by the way. I want you guys opinion. I'm thinking the next time I do a special, I'm sending my special directly to Netflix. Because I think when I send it to channels where they have commercials and they censor it, you're not getting the full on ignorant bill Burr experience.

Are you, you know, it just, you know, if you really want to see the level of moron that I am, you have to have the uncensored version. So I'm thinking that that's the future. I'm loving it because people who watch Netflix are, they seem like they're getting the real special to me. Which means they either absolutely love it or they think I'm the dumbest person on the planet. With that, let's get into advice for this week. This podcast is going to be a little shorter than the recently I've been doing like an hour and 20, I think they're too fucking long. So I'm going to try to do about an hour, come right in at about an hour. You know, that's just long enough for your commute.

Oh, before I read the advice that I tell you guys I'm working, I'm trying to work on my temper. Now that I got the booze under control, now I'm going to work on my temper. See, this is me slowly giving into the fact that I'm going to get married at some point. I can't even say that I'm going to get married, that I'm going to get married at some point. I'm going to have kids. All right. First thing I had to do is I had to stop drinking like I was pledging a frat. That was the first fucking thing I had to do.

You know, although when I have kids, I'm going to be really tempted at the end of my long work day doing absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing as a comedian, you know, not to just pour that scotch with the one fucking ice cube in it. I don't want to do that in front of kids. Maybe I'll have a shed out back. And that's where I'll do all my boozing, right? And then eventually, you know, I'll think that I'm fooling everybody and then I'll have a bottle in the back of the fucking half bathroom in the basement, you know, in the back of the toilet. And then everybody will know I'm boozing. And then eventually, when they have the intervention, they'll be out there in that shed.

Bill thinks he's doing a documentary and I'm going to be fucking sitting there walking. This is why I do most of my drinking. And I'll be all noble about it. I never do it in front of my kids. You know, my kids mean everything to me. You know, eventually I'm going to stop, right? And then I come walking in there. My whole disappointed family is going to be sitting there next to a bandsaw.

And I'm a stubborn Irish motherfucker. I'm not going to rehab. Go fuck yourselves. You go to rehab or we're all walking out. God, more booze money for me. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about right now. Have you guys been watching the Playoff Hockey? Congratulations to everybody's team who moved on.

The San Jose Sharks. The Detroit Red Wings. The Nashville Predators. Who would have thought? Who would have fucking thought? Who the hell are they playing out there? Kings are out. Ducks are out.

Oh, Vancouver. Vancouver. And then over in the East. Who won? Geez, I don't know. Who won series last week? Tampa Bay Lightning. Washington Capitals.

Philadelphia Flyers. And I think that's it. I think that's the, those are, oh, wait a minute. Oh, Jesus, I almost forgot. The Boston Bruins beat the fucking, fuck, fucking, fucking Montreal Canadians. Oh, is that enjoyable? What a tremendous series. Round of applause for Playoff Hockey.

It went seven games like you knew it was gonna. And I thought it was a tremendous series. Although I was a little disappointed with certain members of the Montreal Canadians with that bitch level of hockey. That fucking hammer lick. Jesus Christ. I thought he was in some fucking slapstick movie. What was he doing out there?

He went, move, fucking skate. The wind of you skating by the guy would just fall down. How funny was it when what's his face? The Bruins announcer. I can never remember his name. John, whatever. When he fucking, he goes, hammer lick goes down like he was shot. Get up.

I'm not a fan of that over the top sort of fucking announcing, but that was so fucking called for when he said that it was fucking ridiculous. But it was a phenomenal series. And I knew it was going seven games. And I was hoping we were gonna win. I'm not even gonna talk shit. I'm not even gonna talk shit. Whenever you play the Canadians, their fans, even if their team sucks,

they take them to the next level. It was a fucking awesome series. And that fucking Subon guy, man, is the shit. That guy's a star. And I love the way he plays the game. I even love that annoying shit he does. I love it. He's a gamer.

He's just trying to knock you off your fucking game by being a cunt. I love it. And he can play the game. And that fucking goal that he scored to send it into overtime, that was just a fucking laser beam. But I gotta tell you, there is some sort of unwritten NHL rule that if the Montreal Canadians are down by a goal in a deciding game, I don't give a fuck whether you committed a penalty or not.

You're gonna be short of man. I mean, how many fucking years in a row can they do that for that team? It's ridiculous. Wasn't it enough that for all those fucking decades they got first shot at every French-born Canadian player? Wasn't that enough that they had their own draft pool in a six-team league? They're so fucking overrated with their goddamn history. And I love that when Bruins fans talk to them now,

all Canadian fans have is their history. What's the historical playoff series record? Yeah, that's right. Go back a quarter of a fucking century since the last time you dominated us. You fucking French cunts. You got nothing. You haven't dominated us since 1987. It's over.

It's fucking over. Now, if you wanted trashes for not winning a cup, I don't have a dog in that fight. We're fucking horrific. It's pathetic. We haven't won in one in almost 40 years. You're 100% in the right. But if you're gonna try and sit there and act like you're in the way,

you're not. Go do your fucking homework. They are Frenchy. All right. We've played you guys 11 times since 1988. We've beaten you seven fucking times. You have four and seven against us. We beat you in a seven-game series.

We beat you all three overtime games. And last time we played you, we swept you. Won the last two games at home. So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. And Dan Shaughnessy, you lazy motherfucker. If you're not gonna watch hockey, stop writing about it. You know that son of a bitch when we won in game seven, he still figured out a way to shoehorn in the curse of the babe,

horseshit that he always writes about. There's nothing funnier than watching Dan Shaughnessy write about hockey. He knows nothing about it. He started bringing up Johnny Pesky, you know, Ted Williams, Bucky Dent. The man can only write one fucking story. If there's not a ghost, a goblin, or a specter in it, he doesn't have to write the fucking article.

You know, it's fucking ridiculous. Why don't you address the real problems, Dan Shaughnessy, like how the Bruins resented free agency. Not only didn't play the game, they fucking resented it. They didn't want to fucking pay anybody. Why don't you talk about that? Well, the Canadians drafting the first pick of every French-born Canadian player.

Why don't you bring shit up like that, as opposed to sounding like you're pitching a show to go on after ghost hunters? Oh, somebody get that guy a hot comb and a fucking book on goddamn hockey. All right, let's plow ahead here. Advice, advice for the week. Oh, wait, I promised these guys I was going to read...

Now that I've said cunt 20 times, I promised that I was going to read this thing three times during the podcast. So we're at the halfway point, everybody. Open yourself up a beer. Go sharpen a fucking pencil at your cubicle or whatever the hell it is you do there. Once again, people, Mother's Day is this Sunday.

All right, don't be a douche. Just go to proflowers.com. Click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner. When you type in the code, right, B-U-R-R, so I get credit on my podcast, and just order some flowers. You'll get a vase, you'll get the whole damn thing. And then all you got to do is take her out to the IHOP.

You know, you get her some pancakes. What is she like? Eggs Benedict? You know, just do something like that, or have you fucking broad do it. But this is the thing. Look, if you're a lazy bastard and you want to look like a good shit this year,

you could bang it all out. You go right to proflowers, buy some for your mother, buy some for your girlfriend's mother, and buy some for your grandmother, all right? Then everybody in your life with a vagina can shut the fuck up for a fucking... Seriously, you know what I mean.

Guys, we don't like to shop. I should really stick to the copier. Mother's Day is right around the corner, everybody, and proflowers has Mother's Day bouquets starting in 1999. Visit proflowers.com, click on the microphone in the top right-hand corner, and type in my password,

B-U-R-R. Get her a bouquet of flowers, get her a goddamn vase. Hand it to her, tell her you love her. She's only going to be around for so goddamn long. You know it, I know it. You should be doing this every damn year. Every fucking year. All right? You go there,

you take her out to Denny's. You know, pour a pour a bowl of cornflakes at that point. If you got the fucking flowers and the vase, don't be a cheap bastard on this one. You got to get the vase, too. Like I said, don't lay it in a lap like she just rode a fucking horse, okay? You get a vase.

You know? Women love shit. All right? And vase is just another thing. Oh, my God, he got a vase with it. He really does love me. All right, that's the commercial at the half hour. See? Look at this. Look at this.

Get the information in. I'm keeping it funny. I'm still saying cunt. This is phenomenal. All right, advice for this week. Dearest Bill, my entire life, I've jumped from one long relationship to another. Oh, Jesus. At the ripe age of 30, I've started to see a pattern.

Good for you. There you go. That's right. You've seen a pattern. Now, see people, this is how you improve your life. Rather than blaming others, it's like being a comedian. And saying, this crowd sucks. At some point, you've got to look at yourself.

You've got to go to the mirror and look at your fucking booze bag freckled face like me a few months ago. And say, listen, I've got to lay off the booze. I've got to work on my act here. Um... So this is what this guy's doing. Exactly. You keep pulling fish out of the same poison pond

and you're getting tired of it. Good for you, sir. Here's the pattern. He goes, I start... When I start dating a woman, she's dolled up. She's in great shape. She's fun to be around. She's always willing to go the extra mile by doing little things to show you she cares.

And she's willing to explore, enjoy, and share my interests. Alright, starting off a little myopic. She dresses nice and likes to do the shit I do. Alright, after a few months, or to one year,

she dolls up about 50% of the time. She's still in good shape. She's willing to be around. She's willing to explore and share my interests. One year on. Little by little, things start to disappear. She dolls up 10% of the time. She's an average to pudgy shape.

She's fun about half the time. And she's only willing to share interests that are already developed. Oh, so she doesn't want to do any new things. Each girl seems to stray further and further away from their month one personalities at different

rates. Yet it seems to always stray away into the negative zone. Oh, it never gets better. I again find myself in a new relationship. Things, okay, so he gets out of that one, one year in. He goes, I again find myself in a new relationship. Things are fan-fucking-tastic.

I'm living the dream. Yet I find myself terrified. Oh, so I guess he's in a new relationship. When will she stop dolling up? When will she stop being easygoing? When will that little pouch start to grow above her belt? I'm jaded and scared,

Bill. Does the month one girl ever stick around? Am I doing something to turn these perfect girls into comfortable couch potatoes? I don't want to see another one transform. What do I do? I know it's human nature to get comfortable sooner or later to be able to function

as a normal human being. It's impossible to keep that one month girl around. But can't they just stay in the one month a category? Do they have to go beyond the one year? Oh, it's far. And he said, okay, am I ready to get Bill burned?

People like that one. I forget what the other one was. It was, wait, I got it here at the top of the page. Oh, ginger. Oh, ginger snap. Those are my catchphrases, everybody. Alright, let's plow ahead here. Uh, what am I up to?

Oh, by the way, I'm probably going to forget this. So if my web guy is listening, please remind me to put up the YouTube videos of that redheaded kid. There's some poor bastard. This kid, I don't know how old he is.

He's like 12, 13 years old, and he makes these videos. And he's just, he doesn't know any better. He lives in the middle of nowhere. He's just making a total mess of himself. So every time he, and he's a redhead, you know, he's already at an awkward age,

and he's a redhead, and he's a redhead male. So, you know, that's just a fucking hailstorm. I lived through it. It's not a pretty sight. Score! San Jose Sharks go up to nothing. Sorry, I got the game on in the background. Um, so anyways,

yeah, that's not a fun time. It's not a fun time for fucking anybody, unless, you know, you're just one of the popular kids. This kid keeps making these videos. So what happened was, was people started trashing them. Because that's what happens. You know, you put yourself out there. You basically, the second you get on a stage,

or you film yourself, you basically, you put yourself on a Dunkin' Stool, and given the world a bunch of baseballs. That's basically what you've done. This kid didn't realize it. So they start fucking trashing them. And rather than ignoring it, he's been responding to it.

And he's yelling into the camera. This is a message for all you haters out there. I can make as many videos as I want. But I'm going to continue making videos. So fuck you! He's doing that. And his face is all fucking freckled and red. He looks like a young Malachi

from Children of the Corn. He sings songs. Um, actually, I got a name and name here. Uh, Aziz from Parks and Recreation was down there. I got to give him, I got to give him credit.

Uh, Aziz, and sorry, he poked me up with these videos. He goes, you got to check these out. Because I was telling him, you got to watch that guy at the Del Taco, who gets knocked out three fucking times in this battle royal. Um, so whatever. See,

I'm hyping that video and I hope that I remember to tell my web guy about it. If not, I hope he's listening to this podcast and they put it up because it's fucking hilarious. So anyways, let's get back to this guy. Um, he basically asked me, how do I, how does somebody stay in the one month thing? Well, let me ask

you this, sir, how do you do over the year? Do you put on any weight? What do you do? You know, this is the thing about relationships that I learned is that they're fucking work. And it's what you're discovering is that what happens is you meet somebody and yeah, it's exciting. It's new. It's like, uh,

I don't know, you go on vacation. Say you never been to Miami. You go to Miami Beach, it's going to be fucking exciting. All right. You got another vacation. You go to Miami Beach again. It's still exciting, but it's not quite as you keep fucking doing the same thing. It's just natural

that you start taking things for granted and it works on both sides. Um, what I would do is if you want your girl to stay in shape is I would keep myself in shape. And, uh, I, if you're into a girl

that stays in shape and there's nothing wrong with that, by the way, there's always on those women shows that that's superficial and blah, blah, blah, and guys should look beyond and fuck you. You're lazy and you want to eat ice cream and you still want to get the same amount of love like

you, like you have an hourglass figure. You know, that's just women pimping guys. Okay. If you want a woman who's in shape, why don't you fucking date someone who likes to work out? That's what I would do. Who's into that type of shit who, who considers that type of thing important. That's what I would

do. And then you kept saying shit like she's willing to explore and joy and share my interests. Well, that's all well and good as long as you're willing to do it with her. And also I would say that, you know, you know what's a great thing to do in a relationship

is to have interest outside of the other person and the two of you fuck off for, for an hour or two every day. You know, like I can tell you, if I'm in a relationship. All right. And I join a gym. I don't

want my, I don't, I don't want my girl joining the same fucking gym. I don't. I want two hours by myself. Who's kidding? 20 minutes in the treadmill and be, I'll lift weights tomorrow. Whatever. Stay like an hour to myself. I listen to my music.

You know, I'm looking at the fucking ass and titties of other girls, right? That's legal. You know, they're walking around in their sports bras. I can do that, you know. Listen to my AC DC fucking get pumped, lie to myself, like, dude

and in the summer I'm putting up 225 kid fucking two plates on both sides, dude. I can lie to myself. You know, but I definitely think look I would just say, you know, the next time you're

you're, you're tell, tell me girl, that's, that's, that's your fear. Said, you know, look, I just keep being in these relationships and everything just sort of winds down. Everybody, you know, people are in good shape. I wouldn't, you know, I don't know, that's kind of a tough thing to say. To be like, are you going to become a fatty in a year?

I don't do, do you ever thought about just being single and just tagging a bunch of chicks who are in shape? And every night will be exciting and new. Come aboard. I'm expecting you to ride my

single fucking goddamn cock. Um, evidently, the way you can get herpes while still wearing a condom is, is, I guess that the uh, the part of your dick that's behind the marginal line there, basically the part, you know,

you put a condom on, you roll it down, you always have it at fucking three quarters mass, don't you? Even if you stretch it all the way down, it doesn't fucking cover your whole dick. There's always gonna be the goddamn uh, you know, eighth of an inch of shaft,

unless you got a huge fucking dick and you bought the wrong condoms and half your dick's hanging out, hanging out, right? And the condoms on top of your head and your dick looks like fucking Arnold from Happy Days, remember that hat he used to wear? Or Big Al? Um,

I guess that's how you can get it. I don't fucking know. I don't want to hear about STDs, it just makes me happy, I'm in a fucking relationship, you know? Um, anyways, let's plow ahead here. Next, next question here. Next fucking question. Uh, Bill, big fan of your comedy podcast, listen to it every

Tuesday on the way home while I'm stuck in traffic. Anyway, here's my deal. I moved to Austin. You know what, I just realized I forgot to tell you guys how I'm working on my temper. I decided to break it up into chunks. Rather than just trying not to lose my shit, I just realized

I gotta, I just gotta attack it in chunks. So this is how I'm trying to do it. I'm just working on my temper in the car. That's it. And I've been meaning to get a post it and I'm just gonna draw a smiley face on it and just stick it on the dashboard. Ha ha ha ha

Ha ha ha ha That's what I'm trying to do. And I did it this morning, I was able to do it. I was returning a rental car and, uh, you know, it's Sunday morning, I get up, I jump in the car,

Ford Fusion, great fucking car, too, man, getting this car. And I, uh, there should be no traffic. I should just shoot right up, get the car back by 9.30 so I don't have to pay for the extra day. And what happens? There's all this construction. And I gotta admit,

it took me a while to lose my shit, but when the fucking douche cut into my lane, that was it. I just fucking, without even thinking, just just just pushing down on the horn

and, uh, when I stopped, I was like, ah, fuck it, lost my temper. I gotta, I gotta stop and then somebody else did something when I fucking laid on the horn twice, so so I failed, you know, the fuck that's off sides! Dude, the officiating has just sucked

in the NHL. This whole fucking place, how bad were the fucking calls first game, uh, on both sides, by the way. On both sides. At least that first period is what I really watched. Um, of the, uh, Bruins flyers,

by the way, which is, by the time I, uh, you listen to this podcast, let's do it on Tuesday. That series is gonna be 1-1 going back to Boston. I think this is gonna be a great series, uh, and I think it's gonna be one of those series where I don't know,

it's weird. The Bruins are weird. They're just on their game right now, but when they're not on their game, they, they just, I don't know, it's like they're playing the fucking ice, out in the ice capades, so I don't know. I'm nervous about that happening, and I also, what the flyers did to us last year,

but the thing is, is the flyers have no fucking goaltending, as of right now. So, uh, and Tim Thomas is just fucking ridiculous, so I think we're gonna win the series. I actually think we might take it in six games. We win game two. We win it in six.

If they win game two, uh, this fucker's going seven. That's my prediction, everybody. For those of you who don't watch hockey, you probably don't give a shit, do you? Alright, Bill, big fan of your comedy podcast. Let's do it every Tuesday in the way to work. Anyway, here's my deal. I moved to Austin, Texas about three fucking years ago,

because of a job. I had just broken up with a long time, on again, off again, girlfriend, and was finally done with the relationship. I made the decision to be single for a while, and enjoy the single life in Austin. Worked out well. But I soon met a lady.

She turned out to be the girl for me, and I was soon shopping for rings. So we're getting married in the fall. Congratulations. And I moved in about six months ago. You see, my girl is a real hard worker, as am I. Uh, Jesus. Crisis is fucking long.

Settle in, everybody. No one has ever given us anything in life, and we both worked hard to earn what we have. And because of our hard work, we both have successful careers. My Boston accent just came out this. Successful careers. So she's busted her ass through college,

got a job, and bought a house on her own. Impressive, because she was only 24 at the time. Goddamnit, I wish I lived in Texas and could buy a house at 24. Middle of fucking nowhere. Anyways. And since then, we have worked hard to make it a home together. All sounds good, right?

Yeah, it sounds great. Well, there is a catch. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. She has this friend who she's known since childhood. And they grew up together. This sounds like a fucking romantic comedy. They are like sisters, blah, blah, blah.

She let her friend move into the house before we met. Oh, no. And was barely charging the girl rent at all. She also had her sister move in, but as soon as we decided to live together, her sister moved out like a normal fucking person.

Anyway, so this friend of hers is still living in the house even six months after we got engaged and moved in together. Not only did she stay, she also had her loser boyfriend move in while living there. And while living there, she bought

a cat and a dog. Well, I mean, what the fuck, dude? How come you're not saying anything? Oh, whoa. Here's the next sentence. I had a million talks with my girl about it and how it's wildly appropriate to have these people and animals living in our house when we're trying to start a family, but she feels

responsible for the well-being of her friend and doesn't want to throw her out on her ass. Oh, no. Holy shit, dude. How big is this house? Anyways, eventually I talked my girl into sitting down with her friend and her boyfriend and kindly tell them

it's time to start looking for another place to live. They agreed and everything was all good. So three months later, the friend still doesn't have a job and her boyfriend is only working part-time. As far as I can tell, they haven't started looking for jobs or a place to live.

I've heard her complaining to my girl about not wanting to sign a lease on a dump because she's planning on getting a job and will be able to afford a nicer place soon. Yeah, she's stringing you along. It's bullshit. She's the laziest bitch I ever met. Sounds like it, dude.

The way you're describing it, I already hate her. I'm coming home every work day. I'm coming home from work every day and her and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch playing video games. Oh, my god. I also recently found out that my girl is not charging her friend

any rent at all and that boyfriend only pays 200 a month, which is nothing compared to what he could be making with the fucking, what we could be making with the roommate and he's a fucking loser as well. 30 years old and never had a full-time job in his life. He brags about

not having any debt all the time, but it's because he's a loser and he's been living off his girlfriend's student loans and my girl's kindness for the past two years. Do I have to read the rest of this? Let me blow through the last two paragraphs immersively and this thing. People try to

keep these short. I suck at reading here. I would be constantly bitching about these people to my girl, but it kills her to know that I'm not happy. She spends a lot of time trying to make my life better and I really can't stand

to see her sad or frustrated. She's stuck in a tight spot. Yeah, dude, the same thing she's doing with you that she hates to see you not happy and she wants to keep you happy, she's doing that with her friends. She has to make a stand here. So he says, so to make a point, I've been leaving

my stuff out in the kitchen in the living room not cleaning up after myself and in front of everybody I tell my girlfriend to leave it that they should have to clean it up because we're doing them a favor for letting them live there. I've pretty much been a cocksucker openly to them every day for the last three months

but they haven't gotten a hint. Yeah, they have. They're fucking dead beats. They're just ignoring it. So anyways, but me behaving like that makes my girlfriend uncomfortable too so I backed off a bit. So the latest is that they finally are starting to pick up on the fact we want them out and are making provisions to move out

but I've recently found out that they are planning on moving in with my girl's mom just down the street. Her mom thinks of their friends as a daughter or a good family friend and is allowing this. This pisses me off because I know they're just going to mooch off her mom just like they did

my girl. So now I know I'm planning on having another talk. No, don't do that. Don't do that. So now I am planning another talk with them about starting their own life separate from my girl or family but I know they wouldn't get the message unless

I came out and became a complete dick which would totally kill my girlfriend. What should I do? This is what you do. Alright? Let them move into your girlfriend's mom's house. Let them fucking do it. Get it out of your house. Alright? Eventually

they will wear out their welcome at your mom's house and then they're gone. But the thing is right now is if you tell her mom that they're fucking deadbeats and that type of shit if you'll either come off like a dick

or she'll say well then the hell with it they're not moving in and then they'll be like well we can't move out of your place and now you're stuck with them. Alright? You have the things that wouldn't leave in your fucking house and they're leaving. Let them leave. Let them go down to your sister's

mom's house. This is probably where your girlfriend's mom's house. This is probably where she learned that fucking behavior from. You know? So that's her house. Right now what it is is you personally

hate these motherfuckers and you want them to live in the shithole that they so rightfully deserve to live in. So what you're doing right now is you're letting your personal hatred of them get in the way of your ultimate goal which is to get them the fuck out of the house

which is happening. Okay? If her mother wants to take them in let her do it and eventually she will discover that they're fucking moochers. Now I know what you're thinking like what kind of a fucking future son-in-law am I if I don't give her the heads up

and I'm telling you just judging by the way your future bride is this is just how they are. Giving people who get taken advantage of by moochers and the same way your

fiance is learning this lesson your mother is going to learn the lesson. So these people are actually great that they came into your life because hopefully you'll be able to use them as an example all throughout your marriage. Whatever their fucking names are you're going to be like well look we're going to end up

another situation like Kathy and Michael fuckface. Remember that goddamn couch playing Atari for three fucking years? Yeah dude. Listen you don't want to fight both those fights you'll end up like America. You're going to have two wars going on at once you're going to go bankrupt. Don't do that shit.

Alright? Iraq is your house let them go to fucking Afghanistan don't fucking worry about it or vice versa we're going to Afghanistan first I don't know how to fucking say it. I don't read I don't give a shit douche bag of the week by the way is hammerlick from fucking the Canadians

that guy's an all star man he knows better than that flopping around out there like he's on fucking I love Lucy or something doing a caribou net show doing a goddamn sketch get up alright last one I'm going to read here everybody coming up on an hour

keeping this one nice and tight hey Bill I love your stand up comedy and your podcasts are freaking hilarious thank you very much I love what you're doing and I hope you keep doing it for a long time thank you I'm a junior in high school and I really have a problem with my mom's boyfriend uh...

yeah I would think so for the obvious reason but we're not going to get into that because you're too young to talk about it I don't know what to do because my mom used to be really cool and she would really listen to me when her boyfriend wasn't around now when he comes over she makes

she makes me cook my own dinner which isn't that bad to do but the fact that she ignores me more than she does to me is what really gets to me this guy can be a real asshole to me and my mom

Jesus Christ and the thing is that they fight all the time and yet they're still together after five years you can tell a douche bag when you see one and this guy really takes the trophy of number one douche bag in the country alright you know what fuck that douche bag of the week is the dude dating this kid's mom

he even yells at my mom sometimes and I felt the urge to confront him one time and my mom is the one who gets mad at me for trying to defend her I feel like this guy has changed my mom from a nice cool mom to one of those reality show moms

who don't really give a shit about their kids yeah see this is why you gotta be careful who you let into your life this guy has kids and he treats them way worse than he treats my mom I feel really bad for his kids for having such a bad father figure in their lives yeah this guy is horrific

he's never gotten violent with my mom I think but I think my mom has gotten dependent on him for some fucked up reason yeah cause he's probably doing that he's working on her self esteem he probably criticizes the shit out of her he's turned a nice positive great mom

into a negative person who's not paying attention to her kid yeah she's gotta dump this guy and I'm pretty sure it's taking a toll on what my mom is like as a person I have no idea what my mom sees in him because they have practically nothing in common and he's a total asshole to her

and to me what I really need is advice on how I can handle this situation what I can do to make this situation better for me and my mom besides choking this guy in the middle of the night I would really appreciate some sound advice from you even though you don't have kids hahahaha

hahahaha I would also like to know if you were doing any gigs or any shows around Southern California because I really like to see in person thanks Bill, alright this is what you gotta do alright this is very tricky one of the hardest things to do

is when somebody you love is dating an asshole to approach them and say hey I think the person you're dating is an asshole because they're gonna get unbelievably defensive alright so I would leave that part out of it what I would do is when that douchebag isn't around

I would basically tell your mom what you told me minus the bad shit about him just say listen you know I just feel like you know you're not listening to me as much as you used to tell your lover, tell her she's the greatest mom

and just tell her that you felt like you used to be closer and that you're feeling like you're not as close as you used to be and that you know you realize that your time with their boyfriend is important but I'd like to have whatever some hang time with you guys

and you know what when you guys are out there having a good time maybe she can you know slowly turn into that person she used to be and then eventually kind of trick her into talking about that guy and let her be the first one this is down the road let her once you guys

have your hang day and I'll tell you right now if that guy gets in the way which he probably will try to cause he sounds like an insecure douchebag because they're actually hanging out you know there's a lot of like little Mussolini's running around the world

they just don't have the fucking charisma and the right cataclysmic moment in history to take power so what they do is rather than ruining countries they just ruin families everyone that they come in contact with so that's what this cunt is like and he'll probably try and take that time away from you guys

because he'll be convinced because in the back of his head I bet he knows he's a fucking asshole and he thinks everybody's talking about him anyways which of course you attract what you fear in life so I think just keep it about you and her

tell her how great she is mother's day is coming up it's perfect and just say listen you know I'm getting older these next few years are gonna fly by you know I'd like to take advantage of this time let's spend time together you know just you and me like we used to just one day a week I respect your time with your boyfriend

but you know one day a week I'm your son for Christ's sake and like I said during that time um that douche won't be around it'll be just the two of you I bet the old her comes out a little bit if you do it once a week it's like therapy and like I said eventually you let

you let her bring it up let her bring up with that guy as an asshole you know he's kind of been a dick you know what I mean you just kind of sit there like yeah yeah I do know what you mean and just respectfully call the guy an asshole and as far as choking that guy in the middle of the night don't do that now

don't do that wait till you like high school years you know wait till you hit your gross spurt you know you start filling out you start throwing the weights around that's when you do it you know take a nice karate class go with the submission hold that's what I would do you know you choke them out they just

go to sleep you know there's no concussion there's nothing like he just takes a little nap hahahaha I'm not advocating violence wink wink alright youtube videos a week that's going to be the podcast for this week

here's the youtube videos for this week I already hyped that amazing 7 year old drummer fucking awesome these are all going to be on the mmpodcast.com the official fan page of the Monday morning podcast if you'd like to donate alright

to the podcast is a donate button right on the right hand side of the homepage right underneath the facebook twitter and all those logos you just click on donate whatever you want to give me I don't give a fuck one dollar one thousand I don't give a shit I'll fucking take any

of it and anyways all these youtube videos will be up there next one greatest dance number ever filmed according to Fred Astaire who was considered the greatest dancer of that time but he was a phenomenal dancer but he was

also a white dude so he had an advantage like the Montreal canadiens getting first pick of every french born canadian fucking player that's what white people were in hollywood back then but during this time and this is this I think this is really cool that Fred Astaire said this shows you what a cool

guy this was this guy was that he gave he gave a shout out to the Jesus Christ where the fuck's the video now what did I do oh Christ what did I do that's not the right one

that's not the right one there's a hang on a second what the hell did I do here alright greatest the nicolas brothers hope I'm saying that right you gotta watch this video even if you don't like

all those fucking so you think you can dance so you think you can do a split and have you a twat stick to the floor you know well be the judge of that if you don't like those fucking shows you gotta watch these guys these guys are unbelievable it's called the greatest dance number ever filmed

in the beginning you're probably not gonna like it cap calloway's in there scat singing I fucking hate scats singing I just don't like it I don't think it's a talent scuba da beba boo abba doba da be shut your fucking face

learn how to play the trumpeter shut the fuck up I can't stand it but once he's done and he does his little fucking head bopping I never liked that fucking guy I used to like him and one time I read Miles Davis autobiography and he trash-capped Calloway saying that when he ratted somebody out

for fucking having drugs on him you know which was basically the jazz musician version of those fucking assholes who ratted out actors for being potentially members of the communist party in the 50s to Joe McCarthy so fuck him but once he's out of it

alright with this stupid conch when he gets the fuck out of the goddamn video watch these two guys it's unfucking believable man just the the level of talent that these guys have is insane alright and then you know last week I hyped those videos about

the new plan of the apes movie coming out um people send in some smart chimp videos these things are fucking awesome uh one is of a chimp uh they stick a peanut in the bottom of this giant graduated cylinder

and I gotta be honest with you I couldn't figure out how to get this fucking thing out of there and this chimp figures it out um I think we're actually gonna facilitate them taking over the planet if we keep teaching them this shit at the very least being smarter than half the people in shop class

then there's another video another smart chimp trying to get them to work together human beings are so fucking stupid this scientist out there trying to get chimps trying to get them to help like move a heavy piece this heavy rock to get them to learn how

to pull all in the same direction teach them that fucking skill you know so right there they can get into your bomb shelter back in the day if you if you had oh my god they're the fucking chimpanzees they're gonna rip my my god damn nuts off

in my face off you could go into your bomb shelter and close that fucking metal are they gonna teach them how to open it up and then there's the last one Steve Vai acoustic I know you're here and this is uh I totally respect Steve Vai he's one of those guys who he was a hired gun

during the hair metal days and he survived he carved out his own niche he never stopped creating and he goes around he sells out theaters he's making his money I told you guys that my favorite behind the music of all time was vanilla ice because he still had his money to seeing all those broke I mean most of

guys a lot of guys still had their money I like that one um Arrowsmiths was great because they still had their money I just hated seeing the guy hate I hate seeing people fail I hate it you know unless it's the Canadians the Yankees the Jets

or the Lakers dude if anybody can tell me how the Lakers aren't gonna win the championship this year with the fucking old ass Celtics trading away Kendrick Perkins and the Spurs losing to the the fucking Grizzlies it's over there is no fucking way the Lakers

aren't going to win the championship score Detroit redwinks I'm trying to jinx the Lakers by saying that because other than that I don't think there's anything stopping them um so anyways what the fuck was I just talking about I totally lost my frame of thought my train of thought

or my frame of reference or in my world my frame of thought I'm a fucking moron um what the fuck was I talking about well it's gone people it's gone forever that's how my brain works all right in the end of the podcast let's uh

let's hype my dates what do I got here uh coming up oh by the way I told you guys I was doing David Letterman um that is not gonna be happening because believe it or not guess who got called back for another episode of Glee speaking of dancing

see what you guys don't realize is when I sing on the podcast I'm just fucking around I actually have a wonderful voice and I am a triple threat I can deliver the jokes I can sing the songs and I can fucking

I can do a little shim sham I can dance hahahaha um yeah that bringing me back to Glee and I'm actually doing a singing and dance number with uh that androgynous kid who hangs out with that fucking

angry blonde chick we're gonna be singing uh I want a new drug but we're doing the club version so it's gonna be really really sexy um and we're one of those v-neck t-shirts that shows man cleavage it's gonna be awesome

so look for that so I won't be doing Letterman because of that and also I'm gonna be at the anti-social comedy tour February May 13th and uh in Washington DC go to antisocialcomedy.com

uh for all your tickets and all the links like I said these tickets are selling very fast I don't know how long we're gonna be doing this tour or how long we're uh I don't know that's hilarious I basically said what I wanted to say I wanted to say how long this tour is gonna last

or how long we're gonna be doing this tour and I got right to the second one and my brain just shuts off because it works in a straight line yeah I don't know how long we're gonna be doing this tour and how long this lineup is gonna last and uh I gotta tell you it's been a long fucking time since I've been on a show where I just stand and I watch the entire show

I'm a comedian nothing makes me fucking laugh and I am working with three fucking beasts on this and uh it's worth every goddamn cent I guarantee you so make sure you get your ass down there um and other than that I'm gonna be

doing Caroline's Comedy Club May 19th through the 22nd and uh and then the Chicago Theater another antisocial network tour we added Seattle last week and we're also doing Las Vegas

all those dates are up on antisocialcomedy.com and that's it and one last plug I gotta do Mother's Day coming up guys come on do it for your mother go to proflowers.com click on the uh the microphone in the upper right hand corner when it asks you for the code

and uh and shop away they'll deliver them right to your house it's perfect you know don't get yourself into that situation where you are that's fucking off sides thank you Jesus Christ take your fucking whistle out

so anyways go to proflowers pro pro proflowers.com click on the microphone in the upper right hand corner type in B U R R is the code get your mother some flowers get your girlfriend's mother some flowers get your grandmother some flowers for once be a swell guy

you know it's gonna be all set then you write something nice in the card you're all set you don't even have to leave your fucking house how great is that you know if you one of these people are you scared of the internet are you like me you know if that's what you like

then you can just call uh there's a one eight hundred number where the fuck is it one eight hundred pro flowers and mention the Monday morning podcast in my name bill burrow or the fucking flowers and that's it that's the odd Jesus hour and eleven minutes I still went over all right but I also did ten minutes

of commercials that's it that's it for this week thank you to everybody who came out and saw our film cheat I think we're gonna be doing a film festival in Chicago I will have more information about that next week or in the upcoming

weeks we shall be in more film festivals and podcast listeners will get a chance to check out the film we're currently writing a book and when that comes out in the beginning of next year the full short of the film cheat will be available in the

back of the book and we're gonna do a little tour hopefully me Bobby and Joe will be selling the books signing them taking pictures smiling and waving in 2012 trying to sell as many books as we can before old Jesus comes back and tells us what a bunch of cunts we are all right that's

it that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves don't take any shit I'll talk to you next week I'm I I I I

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