Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-21-15

Episode Date: May 22, 2015

Bill rambles about hipster barbershops, Kraft tapping out and video doorbells.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's.com Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and I'm just checking in on you just checking in on you on a Thursday Cleo get over there and lay

the fuck down you're driving me nuts today you're a maniac I still love you that's only because you're cute if you're an ugly dog like a put no get over there and lay down down down lay the fuck down the master is spoken what's going on how are you how are you welcome to another Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday afternoon fucking morning podcast whatever I call it they're just checking in on your podcast for short you know oh what a couple of days it's been oh what a couple of nights Baboo Jesus Christ I'm fucking believable alright I already had myself a hell of a goddamn day right if I got my goddamn truck back right brand new engine everything was going great and then you know I looked

cool for about six hours six fucking hours and then there's something going on with the clutch I don't know what's going on these guys I take it to do fucking phenomenal work they do some some of the sickest fucking hot rod trucks I've ever seen in my life and I think what fucked me over is one of the parts you know they make them in China now you know because they don't want to play Americans because they don't want to fuck with the unions and then it's not enough that they're going to underpay some poor Chinese guy over there because people always go to the Chinese they don't fucking make them right they'd make them right if you gave them the right fucking materials what's that Chinese guy supposed

to do fucking you know fucking I don't know pull a goddamn clutch out of his stomach like a chicken having a cesarean section whatever the fuck materials they give them that's what they're going to put together so anyways he's trying to say maybe it's maybe it's that thing so I'm back to driving some fucking car shape like a goddamn dinner roll so I got that going on right I went down took a helicopter you know fucking thing here I'm getting ready to do my check ride flew great everything was going good my autos were great nose was stepping down a little bit but you know I recovered and then all of a sudden my clutch was acting up so my god fuck right so freckles needs a haircut who's getting no all you do

is just buzz my head takes two fucking seconds so I'm driving up I usually have this lady do it but she's off today so I said you know I need it I'm taking my wife out fuck it man I'm just going to get my head buzzed right so I go by there's a barbershop little candy stripe fucking sign thing going so I pull over I walk in there's one dude sitting there there's no barbers right I'm looking around they got they got fucking they're selling combs right they got all these fucking vintage hot rod magazines that playing music from the 1950s all of this should have been a warning but it wasn't I was just like all right that's kind of cool whatever and this fucking guy comes walking out wearing this smock indicate

that he was a barber and I'm immediately thinking all right this guy next to me he's first right the guy goes he walks out sees me goes oh hey how are you sir I said I'm doing good how you doing he goes great he goes uh do you have an appointment I'm like do I have an appointment what do you mean an appointment he goes you gotta make an appointment I'm like dude this is a barbershop I think I said what is this a hair salon and he's going over to the book looking at it he goes oh you know I can get you I got to I just want to get my head buzzed take like five minutes there's nobody fucking here you could be damn this thing halfway done you jerk off right inside I was thinking that right and then he's fucking

look at his logbook I just said forget it forget it I'm out of your fucking assholes done with that place for life goddamn fucking hipsters man they've ruined everything you know I didn't realize that wasn't a barbershop that was an ironic barbershop that's why they had the old magazines that's why they had Frankie Valley in the Four Seasons playing and rather than some old guy come walking out this this fucking 30 year old guy walks out he can't cut my fucking hair this is what's funny I fucking drive away my truck with the fucked up clutch now now now I'm really losing my shit because I get in and I'm trying to push the clutch and it won't go all the way to the floor so I've got to push it a little

harder and he has some ungodly sound in my transmission so immediately I'm like alright I'm not I'm I'm gonna take this back to the place because when I'm driving it it's fine but when I would stop for whatever reason wouldn't go all the way to the floor so by all means all you fucking weekend warrior gear heads please tell me what it is oh I know what it is I know exactly what it is you fly wheels don't kick over the crankshaft shut up sorry so anyways so I go to fucking drive away and who's standing out in front of the fucking barbershop on his iPhone oh fucking the barbershop guy checking his tweets of some shit oh and I'll make out I just fucking drove away just like beside myself just going

like what the fucking goddamn hipsters they fucking ruined they haven't ruined anything it's just they're so fucking in this why can't you just be yourself you know why does everything have to be like mocking so why can't you just like I swear you know what it is because if you took off their facial hair and their glasses and their Robert Fulton fucking goddamn outfit you know what would you be left with they'd have to be themselves and you know what they're not fucking interesting Jesus fucking Christ really build you have to go this big yes I do it's a barbershop okay you fucking walk into a barbershop you sit down there's a bunch of old guys there with their balls going down to the floor wearing smelly

fucking old awful slacks with horrific shoes and all you start thinking is wow I guess that social security really isn't going to be there for me that's what you think when you go into a barbershop fucking dickheads they should have to take that fucking sign down or at least put it in quotes barbershop right is this a dumb thing to be mad at well fuck you I don't care this is this you know I didn't want to be this mad coming on the fucking podcast I'm getting over a goddamn summer cold what's the world coming to man you can't walk into a barbershop to get your fucking head buzzed there's nobody there and there's one guy standing there and he asked you if you have a fucking appointment it's like is

this a Maserati dealership what the fuck are we doing here right just have me sit down put the fucking apron around my neck and just at what he usually do I usually go down to the skin then the half and then one and a half on top of what there you go big bang boom yeah yeah yeah I'm done here's your 20 bucks God bless you right I have an appointment and he walks over he looks at the fucking book Jesus they should have been somebody getting their nails done over in the corner I don't fucking you call yourself a barbershop when you take appointments you never have appointments you just show up right I went to a barbershop when I when I was fucking back in back in Massachusetts I went in the

house right just fucking walked in sat down some fucking old guy are you doing yeah fucking sat down gave me the same haircut he gives to a fucking stay true in and out I did it on the way to the gym one of the great things one of the few great things about having a shaved head as far as you'll never get lice again is it takes you two seconds right you just go in they zoom zoom zoom you don't give a fuck who does it done over and then you fucking leave another great thing is whenever you're going out you know you can just throw a shirt on no one knows you didn't take a shower because you know you'll never have bedhead again so I guess there's two positive things but you know what one of those positive

things was taking away from me today and I'm really sad about you guys Jesus Christ so people have told me a bunch of shit to go off on I got one thing I want to go off on was fucking Robert Kraft for some reason just rolling over and tapping out what happened to the other owners get together and just say listen we know Jim or say he's a pain in the ass but you know this is just going to bring negative publicity the NFL in the last 24 fucking months fucking on so now as a fan I have to sit back and take the fact that a league that didn't pay taxes since 1942 this is the first fucking year they're paying taxes right how funny is that I want to go in a rant I have a fucking stuffed up nose

hang on one second because I have a summer cold because I'm a drunk who can't go home at night hang on a second or I'm back the NFL did not pay taxes from 1942 until last year 2014 this is the first year they're paying taxes you know meanwhile whenever the military goes out on the field does a display they have to pay the NFL and the NFL sits back and acts like they support the troops they don't support the troops they charge the troops right and then on top of that according to the internet so you know it's true you know it's true that whole pink campaign the NFL keeps 97 or some 95 97% of all the money from the pink hats the pink mugs the pink jerseys then they give it to the pink fucking lady

and she keeps like 90% of that so they raise like a billion dollars the NFL keeps like 970 million gives 30 million to the pink lady right she keeps 90% of that and then she peels off two million dollars for breast cancer and all these fucking scumbags are sailing around in a giant pink yacht these are the fucking people that are gonna judge my Tom Brady they're gonna call him a cheater because of fucking air pressure you know what I mean I have to sit back I guess I gotta sit back and take it as a fan Tom Brady's a cheater because he went up against the Colts and Andrew Luck how did the Colts get Andrew Luck by the way oh no no big deal they just tanked an entire season bilking every fucking

NFL fan completely against the rules lost on purpose they did it every fucking week for 16 games was there an investigation where the suspensions was their fines now they're from Indiana it was a good down home folks out there man they put their pants on one leg at a time they sit down when they ring the dinner bell they got one of the highest clan memberships north of the Mason Dixon line this is Indiana they couldn't do anything wrong out there we shouldn't even been facing Andrew Luck do you know ESPN they did that study and they showed that the deflated ball was actually a disadvantage ESPN took it down within 30 minutes because it was gonna end the story because it was in their best interest

to have it be an advantage they took that fucking thing down so I gotta sit here and sit back with the guy who sits on a fucking rules committee and changes rules for the Colts so they can finally beat the pages win a Super Bowl no suspension no fine no investigation right hey here's the funniest thing first game Brady comes back who they play in the Indianapolis Colts this is like this is like promoting a summertime blockbuster it's complete fucking horse shit from top to bottom but you know what Kraft tapped out so that's it for me I tap out you know unless at some point I go on I am Rappaport and I school that sad ass Nick's fan you listen to me Rappaport you've been ducking me on this podcast oh I'm talking

to you Michael huh I'm not talking to your IMDB page I respect the shit out of that but as far as you as a sports fan telling you right now you owe me an apology all right and I will go on IM Rappaport and I will get my apology huh I'm just doing this shit cuz at some point I know I'm gonna go on this podcast that guy gets amped up he gets you guys ever listen to IM Rappaport if you want to listen to the only sports fan I know that's more uninformed than me and talks more from his heart than I do he did a fucking he did this unbelievable documentary on the early 70s nicks when the garden was eaten four stars four out of four right the front my favorite part of it other than watching what's his face beat

up the entire Los Angeles Lakers was when Rappaport was trying to get one of the nicks to say that Celtic fans were animals he goes they're animals right and the guys go no man no no and you hear Rappaport off camera go come on man come on they're animals they're animals up there right it was fucking great so anyways so there you go so that's it I know you guys were sick of it but I don't give a shit I don't give a shit so you know what I don't know fuck the NFL for the first four games I ain't gonna watch I'll watch college football instead where I know it's crooked give me a goddamn break how long do you think the Patriots could have a stadium like Seattle Seahawks before the entire league demanded we took it down you know I mean Christ somebody clears their

throat in that stadium the opposing team has to go in the fucking silent count it's such a fucking ridiculous that whole franchise is filthy their owner was fucking their own fan base over with the small beers and the large beers you ever watch that YouTube video they had a tall glass for the fucking large one a little short fat one and somebody finally they had ordered both sucked down the short one poured the tall one in there was the same amount of beer oh they're filled that's like some dukes of hazard shit you might as well be putting fake fire hydrant next to people's cars right then they got dirty filthy sneaky fucking Pete Carroll as a goddamn coach right Jesus Christ I loved how he rebuilt that fucking program down there in USC that program was so

fucking filthy they got stripped of a championship and a and a heisman trophy and he snuck out the back door when the wolves were at the front but now that he's at the pro level I'm sure he's on I'm sure he's on the up and up by all means let's just keep focusing on the Patriots they're the only guys land of Falcons got caught fucking pumping sound noise and nobody's calling them fucking cheaters no no it's just a glitch the hatch just blew right that's it total fucking this is how weird the fucking world is somebody just wrote hey somebody wrote me please put today's barbershop walkout in your next bit it's the fucking only other guy that was in the barbershop the fucking customer you know somebody showed me something my phone today it was tracking everywhere

I had been I didn't even know it was on there it's called this locator thing if you want to shut it off see if I remember how to do it as you go on your phone you go to the settings click on settings then you go to notification center and then you scroll down to something that I don't remember what it is I don't remember I can get you to there today's summary now you fucking cut notifications views that ain't it sort by time oh fuck you man now this is unbelievable this is why I always suck at that game Simon remember that Parker Brothers game was it Parker Brothers I don't fucking know government alerts amber alerts what the fuck is this thing emergency alert what a government alerts can somebody let me know why I need to alert the government as a fucking 46

year old man oh Jesus Christ I have been fucking ragging today oh let me tell you this guy's been bitching you know alright so here's some of the things that people wanted me to go off on this week they wanted me to talk about oh I forgot to mention hey I'm gonna be doing an all things comedy live we'll do it live fuck it we'll do it live we're doing it down at the comedy store next Wednesday May 27th alright I'm coming off 19 shows and I'm bringing my fucking a game alright mister no I got I got some I got some new bits that are funny shit to do and whatever we're gonna go down there we're gonna we're gonna sell the fucking place out it's in the main room at the comedy store Louis CK just did a special there so the already famous room has now become even more

famous with the release of his special so we're riding on his coattails down there so come on down May 27th the all things comedy live show it's sponsored by some fucking beer I can't remember who whatever I'm the worst when it comes to this shit but anyways I'll be down there I'll be there so people wanted me to talk about some of these Cleo get over there and lay down you fucking maniac don't ever let your dog sleep in the bed with you at that point they think they're a person and they just look at you like they look at you like they're paying rent now you know it's fucking ridiculous so anyways they were speaking of that whole fucking thing about like the pink lady the pink ladies people wanted me to talk about this to go off on this shit but I mean didn't

you already know that this was I don't even know if this is illegal government says four cancer charities are shams all right well in Washington a rare joint action with attorneys attorney generals from each of the 50 states the federal trade commission says four cancer charities a raw shut up oh my god what did I do why is it talking to me how do you hit mute on this fucking thing oh god I know this is just gonna come back and on me oh here it is that's one of these fucking commercials you can't shut off right there you go why can't I shut you off why can't I shut you off don't I have a say I turn it down right I do mute I have the power and then I scroll you down so I don't watch your fucking message anyways in a rare joint action with attorney Bob

about I just said four cancer charities run by extended members of the same family condowners out of $187 million from 2008 to 2012 these guys were making like Derek G or salary between the four of them and spent almost nothing to help actual cancer patients each of the charities charged with the subject of extensive reporting what were charged in the word the subject of extensive reporting by CNN in 2013 and in an instant I'll CNN patent themselves on the back and in an instant none of the four charities in each instance none of the four charities would comment we were ordered out of the building at the cancer fund of America in Knoxville Tennessee I love Knoxville and were the object of an obscene gesture by the CEO of the breast cancer

society in Mesa Arizona how funny is that you're fucking running a charity to raise money for breast cancer you're taking most of the money and then you have no comment to the press and when they show up you flip them the bird good lord ah it's always good to see somebody that you know is going to be a little further down and held in you are you know what I mean gives you a little bit of hope like I'm not that bad God can only be so mad at me when this guy's coming down the pike right then he luck he'll die right before me I might sneak by you know what's funny is that the level of stealing that these guys had to do before they got caught the fact that they were taking like 97 percent because I feel like the NFL is so fucking big and so fucking powerful that they

can continue to do this pink shit if it's true this is all alleged by the way you know if they're taking the level that people are saying in the 90 percentile and all their pink horseshit you know what I mean I mean I don't know that they that fells right just below a bank as far as they're not gonna they're not gonna take these guys down that's the bread and circus that's what keeps everybody fucking occupied while these banker cunts do whatever they want right anyway so I don't know I know st. jude is a good one I know the jimmy fund is a good one I know Cam Neely Dennis Leary that cancer house is a great one um I'm just sticking with those I'm just sticking with another than that you know what I mean if I want to fucking

you know give money to veterans I'll walk up to a veteran I think that's the best way to make sure they actually get the fucking money how about that everybody how about we do it that way how about rather than the fucking NFL charging these people to come out on the field and fucking yammer on about their bullshit and then knowing that they're gonna take their skim out right they're like casino right they're getting their taste charlie fucking him you maybe popped your fucking eye out for charlie fucking him that's what they're doing right skimming off the top just fucking walk right up I don't know how it does gotta be a way to do it can you just walk into a veterans hospital just come walking in with a bad catch all right who needs it go cut out the middle

man fucking go directly to them they wouldn't want that wouldn't want it that way then they can't track the fucking money and tax the shit out of it oh goodness you know it's been a while that since I've been this negative you know probably since the last thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast possibly um that's gotta be fucking I mean jesus christ I wonder if those people are like such psychos that they can actually sleep at night you know what I mean I've done a lot of fucked up shit in my life but it keeps me up at night that's that's my one saving grace I will sit there I'll talk in my sleep I'll grind my teeth if I fuck up you know what I mean you know it bugs me these people I mean I can't imagine just

sitting there because if you do it if you're raising the kind of money that they were raising you know what I mean you know and one of them was like a father-son combination two different fucking charities so he taught his son the ropes right like Marlon Brando down to fucking Al Pacino godfather one godfather two right you know they got to be just sitting there going like jesus christ at night after they accepted yet another award or had one of those tom cruise buck rogers things put around their fucking neck you know tirelessly working against the fight against cancer then at some point you know you got to stand up there to give them a speech to people going you know each year hundreds of thousands of people I don't know how much it is I don't

really research it because I'm keeping all the money get diagnosed with some form of cancer that I'm not familiar with each year you guys give me money and I go out and get a cigar boat but most of the money that's left after I buy that boat goes towards fighting in-step cancer very rare form of cancer that affects a couple of feet every year in Laos and we want to stop it thank you for helping us and believe me I appreciate this reward thank you and god bless America um I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here uh how far into this fucking thing am I this this was just a dumb idea I should have gotten a better mood before I did this it's probably what I should have done right you know I was kidding oh all right so I'm back in fucking uh

LA I gotta tell you something you know what needs to stop does anybody flown virgin lately and dude they made like a fucking 22 minute music video about putting your seat belt on there's a part where they start they're singing and then there's rapping and then there's a robot part and then the robot goes this robot rap is over and you're thinking oh god thank god it's over and then they just go I'm ready to go is that a today put your fucking seat belt all right and there's all that Christina Aguilera over singing doing all of that fucking shit pointing at notes it's it's so fucking loud you know those fucking douches who have those bows headphones I just never could fucking buy one of those things that's the first time I was like I really need to get a

pair of those I need a pair of earplugs and well I actually sit I fucking put my elbows on my knees and I jam my fingers into my ears and I hum for five minutes waiting for it to stop yeah I don't know you know it kills me as I was sitting next to my wife and she loved it she thought it was great and I was like there you go right there there's the balance the balance of this relationship I fucking hate everything you know like me if she went down then she'd be like oh it's cool it's like a barbershop 2.0 I will make an appointment what is your name well it's very nice to meet you what do I do I fucking storm out go was this a fucking hair salon and I storm out all right and in the end I still need a haircut

so who won bill who won again lost your temper again who won and who lost you think that fuck oh down the street gives a shit this guy's making he's taking reservations down there like he's got a fucking a pork chop to die for right like he's some fucking unbelievable restaurant um all right whatever the fuck what are you what are you gonna fucking do you know oh by the way you know what I why don't I have anything here hey Nia can you grab my wallet um I'm gonna take a video of this goalie mask I just I that this kid made Jesse custom I know I keep talking about him but uh I got this right in my office now I gotta take the video of it's fucking unbelievable I wanted my wallet if you didn't mind it's where we

keep all the keys and stuff like that Cleo get over here get over here Cleo hey get over here lay down you you know your name Cleo Cleo hey what the fuck is wrong with this fucking dog Cleo get in here oh this is embarrassing right on the podcast she just fucking walked away hold on a second Cleo all right see that she just goes oh she just wants to go outside I'm sitting there flipping out I don't buy it that's why she jumps up and down all over company because she has to take a piss um anyways oh here's a good day I mentioned this restaurant here Broad Street Riot speaking of a pork chop to die for in Boston Massachusetts 131 Broad Street Boston Massachusetts head chef

Andrew go in there check it out tell him I sent tell him the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast that's just check it in on you it set you all right um so anyways well we're winding down here uh have you guys been watching any of the hockey playoffs I finally got back into him now that my uh my run there in Boston finally uh came to an end um what did I watch last night oh I watched Tampa versus the Rangers and I turned it on in the uh the end halfway through the third period and I saw Tampa score to go up five to four and I thought they had him and then the Rangers came back with his fucking goal well like a minute left playoffs have been sick right and then uh over time I fucking flipped out when Tampa scored you know I don't

know why I gotta root for somebody I gotta go for the end of dawn but I also like the Rangers I wouldn't mind seeing the Rangers win it although that might make Rappaport happy so I don't know he doesn't watch hockey look at Rappaport you know what I mean does that guy look like he even remotely gives a fuck about hockey um he would talk shit about though I can imagine um anyways what else uh and then I've been watching uh Chicago and Anaheim dude if Anaheim if Anaheim won game two I say they win the Stanley Cup that's how big that game was what did they hit four or five posts in those those uh three over times um hey you know something did you guys see when Shaw head butted the puck in that's one of the few times I was right

on a controversial thing I was able to figure it out I was like well wait a minute if you can't kick it in there's no way you can use your fucking head um but then I'd never seen anybody use their head other than Dominic Koshick um so anyway so I'm still sticking with it I think uh I think the ducks are gonna beat Chicago only because Chicago hasn't been scoring a bunch of goals on them um the fact that they've been hanging with them they've been close games and that type of shit I just I don't know why I just feel like Chicago might be getting a little old who the fuck is getting who I I was so busy I barely watched any hockey I'm just going with my guts I still say the ducks and then the calves the Cavaliers are gonna fucking win Cavaliers are gonna win

and Jason Lawhead is gonna cry like a baby and he will have every he'll have Cavaliers championship pajamas you know those Cleveland guys they've been waiting their whole fucking lives run for your lives um all right this is the Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast whatever the fuck you call it just checking on you on you uh we're now gonna play a couple of classics couple of classics from uh podcasting days gone by I want to thank you all you guys for listening once again thanks to everybody and that amazing run up there in Boston thank you to Bill Blumenreich his daughter Taylor and uh everybody down there at the um at the Wilbur theater everybody I just had I had such a fucking great time uh Raul Johnny all of you guys down there thank you guys for

just a wonderful week and uh I know I said I'd never do that run again but uh I'm already thinking hey who knows maybe every couple of years make it a little tradition who knows I would schedule a day off or two the next time I do it but uh but it was still fun all right so I'm sticking with it I'm sticking with the ducks I'm sticking with the Cavaliers and uh fuck it you want to have a hipster barbershop we got to make appointments wasn't I really just mad because they wouldn't do what I wanted them to do I still did this you should have a different colored barbershop sign then with that little fucking red white and blue stripe thing going up it should be something different something hipstery little mustaches in there you cunts all right you guys have a great

fucking weekend all right see you hey wait a second I forgot to read a couple of fucking advertisements here I didn't realize I had a couple of ads I got to read here you know it's fucking funny I'm just sitting there going like why is my day going so fucking started off to go good and that's just because I'm allowing everything to affect me so I need to fucking relax so I was sitting there it's like all right do just relax take a deep breath and then you know what this fucking that's stupid fucking song I don't know if it's Peter Paul and Mary I don't know if it's fucking uh Paul Simon and the guy with the hair all right the bridge over 12 water guy what's his fucking name there fucking Robbie Craggers cousin they had the same fucking hair it was like pubic

hair but it was on their heads what's his name there Simon and Garfunkel no yeah I was thinking Garfunkel and oh that was fucking me up anyway so I'm sitting here trying to relax and all I just start hearing that stupid fucking song in my head you know slow down you're going too fast you got to make that morning laugh I mean is there any reason why so many folkies got the fucking guitar smashed over the head maybe it just happened an animal house but you'd like to think that it happened a lot well why should it happen Bill why because you're angry they can't be fucking maybe they're they're more advanced beings than you are I don't know maybe they just ate some fucking weed all right video doorbell everybody I know this sounds creepy this is a new one it will insert

dinging sound this is the sound of a package oh what someone else is going to insert the ding dong sound or is this ding dong song is that what the sound I was supposed to fucking do that video doorbell bing bong this is the sound of a package being delivered or friends coming over for dinner but also it's the sound of someone planning to rob you blind what what kind of a cat burglar rings the doorbell I don't you want people to not know you out these people aren't going to last long in this fucking thing over 95 percent of home breakings happened during the day after someone rings the doorbell and burglars almost always start by ringing your doorbell oh really isn't that convenient people selling doorbells to see

if anyone oh someone's home oh okay I'm sorry you know what maybe I need is already laughing at me yeah come in here and help me save this this is just I'm sorry doorbell people video doorbell guys I should I should hear you out before I judge you right I'm having the worst day hang on hang on this is classic you and burglars not reading things over in the beginning I know you don't read it first so you get a handle on it you just start reading it and you know you're not good just reading cold first of all second of all you have no patience so you can't even just be bothered to know what you're supposed to come in and help me out not read me the riot act I and burglars I don't know if you knew this read line by line I didn't know this and burglars almost

always start by ringing the doorbell to see if someone's home before pillaging your possessions yes because if you come to the door they oh I'm sorry I thought you were at home because I was going to rob you lucky for you sucks for your neighbor um when the ring video doorbell uh with the ring video doorbell you can see and talk to anyone at your door from anywhere in the world using your smartphone oh so I guess you can pretend you're home rings advanced motion detection shut up alert you even if someone doesn't ring the doorbell it's like caller id for your home please share a personal story or how this could help someone you love well I uh one time my uncle uh he was living in a shack and he didn't have fucking uh whatever

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mind with ring go to ring.com slash burn for 25 dollars off that's ring.com slash burn how do you have peace of mind so somebody rings the doorbell and you put it on video and he has an axe and you just go I can see you I see what you look like and I'm in here calling the cops no but that and he hangs his head and drags the axe down the fucking wall no but it's not like it used to be no but that makes sense that they would ring to make sure if and if nobody's home they're like I'll great I can you know break in so if you yeah thanks okay near and a hill everybody uber hey you like making money great money right well here's a really cool opportunity I had to share with you driving with uber uber's that popular smartphone app that connects riders

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picked up a couple hundred bucks this is the best way right you get to meet people hand out your resume students you can make some extra money between classes now's the prime time to cash in with drive uber you can thank you'll thank me for telling you how to how to get paid every week you won't thank me for reading this though I could be getting into your car when you drive with uber that's a selling point call to action you got to get you have to you got to get a car and a license you lazy bastard put a bolt to work you would start earning serious do they really need to say that you want to be a butcher you need one of them knife things and some dead meat right uh life changing money today sign up with uber visit drive with uber.com that's drive with uber

uber.com drive with uber.com all right give it a shot give it a shot there you go all right how was that uh yeah that was that was good that was all right hey uh i might uh might need to do that one a couple more times but that's pretty good these kids today they don't like excitement back in the day you were like you're like who is it i hear you're breathing who is it are you trying to rob me you know what i found like sometimes we get food speaking to the mic when they when we get food delivered they'll they'll call food what we get food what delivered we'll get uh they'll call my cell phone and be like hi i'm here and i say did you ring the doorbell and they're like no i'm like what oh these kids today yeah just ring the doorbell like that's how you

that's how you uh oh that was sweet i just find it weird that they would call and not just ring the doorbell when they're here you have so much to think about that's weird though right yeah just well whatever all students making me sound old you don't sound old with me yeah well that's true do you know i went to a barbershop and i couldn't really if you didn't hear me screaming about it to get my head buzzed i definitely heard you screaming and the guy said i didn't have a fucking appointment and he goes you have an appointment it's a barbershop you don't need a fucking appointment yeah but you know some of these highfalutin places they you know they work on appointment it's not like you know then you're not a barbershop you're right you're a hair salon

right yeah you're a salon that does hair yeah did you go into an actual barbershop though was it just one of these like it was a fucking barbershop that gave the little swirly sign and it said barbershop oh yeah so you should be able to walk in there and be like let me get a haircut and they'd be like yeah have a seat grab a paper nice justified on one number two should have tom brady been suspended i have no idea is it's about deflate gate how do you know about you didn't watch sports well deflate gate has been all over the internet what happened something about the football being deflated and that messed other people up and the patriots are being accused of being behind it bill bella check that's good no you had it that was great you pretty much had it why was he

suspended though who tom brady yeah because he's you know because he looks like a war hero an astronaut and a quarterback and a movie star all in one that's why are you are you blaming this on haters yeah well i don't understand how fucking uh an organization that never fucking paid taxes for the first fucking 60 80 years of their existence all of a sudden is going to start wagging their fingers or people keeping all the pink cancer money for their goddamn yachts why are they saying that tom brady is suspended you still didn't answer that because jimmer says a fucking baby and he weighed the balls do you ever play a board game with somebody you ever play a board game with somebody and then you win and in the end they they gotta fucking find out some

reason why that they lost and it has something to do with you cheated and they'll say like oh you tom brady like secretly deflated the ball beforehand they don't know he did they just have circumstance that maybe he possibly could have known it was basically like like in baseball some guys shaved the handle down some people put pine time it was literally that level of shit yeah they lost by 38 fucking points this reminds me of uh uh what's that jim carrey movie where he was like the uh liar liar no no the one the one ace ventura wasn't that the one where there's a no somebody kidnapped dan marino right and then like shon young the actress or what laces out laces out that's what that reminds me of yeah that was like a fundamentally she was claiming

that it was sabotage because they're supposed to have the laces out yeah it's a fucking pony and dog show and it's over and now dog and pony show is that what it's funny not pony and dog show dog and pony show dude the pony's the headliner it's but this the saying is dog and pony not pony and dog it's a dog and look that up i don't have to look it up i'm telling you it's correct i don't fucking believe it not pony and dog show all right you know what thank you thank you you're always in thank you thank you for stopping by bye bye all right you guys have a great weekend you're fucking cunts you

fill advice um so for the last five years i've been teaching guitar lessons full time at a very large music school in chicago um there are over a hundred music teachers at this school with about five thousand students every session half of those students are under 18 the school has been around for over 50 years and is globally recognized let's see if i can figure that out oh chicago i don't know that one i was gonna guess berkeley now i get an email from the new director of the school saying all of the staff are required to get their thumbs scanned by some company called biometric what biometric scans your thumbs into their watch system we all already had uh background checks done when we were hired but now they argue that we need to have this done

apparently all of the public school teachers in their entire city are being forced to do this as well basically anyone who is around any younger who is around any younger please people please proof read your shit you make me sound dumb i'm already dumb enough basically anyone who is around any younger people oh for a profession is now mandated by their employee to get in this creepy biometric system you see this shit if you guys notice this all this fucking screaming and yelling we do during every single election that comes around to pick the democrat or the other republican it doesn't make a difference because when the real shit goes down like approving giving biometrics the right to do this we don't get to vote on this they don't even tell us about us they just go

it's a law it's mandatory you have to do this anyways he says i don't have anything to hide but the mental picture of all of us harmless musicians lining up like fucking cattle having some storm trooper asshole scanning my thumbprint into some supercomputer where it will stay forever is really depressing obviously this is all done in the name of air quote protecting the children but at what cost here's my question for you i feel like this is my moment to take a stand should i make a deal big deal about this and try to rally all the other teachers to fight this or will i just look like i have something to hide it is really really hard to get a job at this school so i'm scared to make waves do you feel like this protects kids from creeps i should mention that in the school's

50 year history no incident of a teacher student misconduct has been recorded everyone knows that pedophiles can't play an instrument lol uh and do you think um they are making priests get thumb scans i fucking bet not all joking aside i'm really bothered by this situation what should i do bill i don't know i the first thing i would do is i would talk to other teachers and see how they feel about it i think that's complete horseshit dude they they have been basically working their way towards this since they first came up with photo ids and social security numbers and all of that shit it's all done under the whole guise of organization in your own fucking safety and it's complete horseshit it has to do with them eventually trying to have a very few people be able to make

the decisions for all of us that's basically what's going on okay and the more information they have about you the easier it is to be able to find you i mean think about that shit they're gonna have your thumbprint they know what your fucking fingerprint looks like all right they're gonna have an ability to freeze your fucking bank account and your cell phone has a goddamn microchip in it okay so the second day i mean this is like end of day shit and they got these fucking robots that they've been working on that can outperform human beings i'm telling you our days are fucking numbered they had on jeopardy the other day they had two human beings playing against a fucking computer those two people they're helping human beings get phased out you should see i'm

not competing against a fucking computer so you can figure out how it does against me and you can figure the computer's weaknesses and strong points so it can come back with even more game and you can pump it back with more fucking information so eventually i become fucking useless unless of course i know how to build a robot or know how to grease its fucking joints yeah dude i think yeah i think it would be a very uh noble thing if you complained about that i think people need to complain more i'm guilty of it i fucking rant here on this podcast but i've never been to a protest but i don't think that it's right that they that they pass a lot like whether you agree with that or not that's not something that they should be able to pass without the voice of the people

we should be able to vote on something like that it's fucking ridiculous i just found out from my account the other day after years of saying i'm not doing my shit online because i don't want to put all that information online i now have no option i have to do it online you know i i don't want to put all my fucking information online my tax id numbers my social security numbers you're out of your fucking mind you're letting people in to your entire financial history you're letting to your whole fucking god knows what they can do with that and they can ruin you all right all i'm doing is bitching here but i don't know that's shit really that's fucking creepy as hell um i would talk to other people be like dude hey you know what do you think about this you know sort of

get it going you know just like how they started the revolution in this country hey what do you think about those redcoats you know they're kind of uh yeah dicks right the kind of dicks yeah i don't like it either uh sent me this email here that was uh inspired by the fact i was talking about this shit and uh here we go ask bill um bill i am currently engaged but i'm kind of over it oh jesus wow i am let me read that again let's let's all just take a deep breath and let's take that take when it's time to change um let's take that one in again uh i am bill i am currently engaged

but i'm kind of over it um you know what i might need the help of a female on this one hey nia nino you want to help me on this one i got a relationship question you ever get the feeling your girlfriend's mad at you and you haven't even done anything i think i just heard it exhale what's that you can't talk as your voice you're making lunch oh okay okay yeah i'm recording right now yeah and you hit me with this attitude i'm sorry she how what i want i i just had a jesus this is getting really awkward yeah all right my girlfriend's under the weather and i actually forgot she told me she was under the weather like 20 minutes ago and that's how self-absorbed i am cleo get down all right

just listen to this okay because i think i also need like female help on this one could you take your hands off your hips and stop staring at me like that come on do you not want to do this if you don't want to do it okay okay bill i am currently engaged but i'm kind of over it she just laughed huh this is a female this is why i have you in here can you just talk to the people with your voice here hi how are you sound like to me more i like that you know what i already talked about andrew mccartney right brought up rob law i got the whole bread pack here why don't you don't trust me you gotta look on your face like you not trust me like i'm gonna make you look stupid i'm not i generally want your help on this the low budget

podcast we only have one microphone all right i'm currently engaged but i'm kind of over it i love him but our relationship isn't working anymore i keep making excuses like my schedule has changed i'm working and going to school so i'm just stressed etc etc but uh honestly the excuses aren't working anymore i want us to get back to when we were having fun and sex and not arguing he gets frustrated he gets frustrated with me when i don't want to cuddle with him at night or fuck him at four a.m when i when i have to get up at seven in the morning to go to work uh then come home at five and cook him dinner and get to sleep by 11 and then she writes okay pause in the email um why does he want to fuck or cuddle at four a.m when i'm sleeping is this

like a guy thing i don't understand what he's thinking this is my argument it's four in the morning number two he's half asleep which means i'll have to wake up and get on top and do all the work what the fuck number three if i don't sleep i'll be cranking in the morning then i'll be mad at me because i'm being a total bitch and four i'm being uh i like being alone i love sleeping by myself granted in the beginning it was fun to sleep next to him but now i want my own bed back i don't understand what it is that he's thinking okay continuing i guess she was digressing here i'm almost done here all right are you enjoying this here you okay she's shaking it in she's got a very serious look in her face this is why i brought her in an expert this is like opera our relationship

expert okay here we go um we are planning to move in together but it's not a good idea because i'm not really in the relationship anymore i'd rather be alone in addition is there an axe murderer outside in addition i just really realized that that was yeah all right in addition um come close to the mic sweetie here we go sit down take a load off you're not feeling well um in addition he's the first man i've ever had sex with don't read this because you read way faster than me just listen to my the soothing tones of my awful voice you just snored it when you laughed that's adorable she's the first he's the only person she's ever had yeah now don't don't comment yet okay we're building it up we got the listeners riveted

at this point okay someone's being hacked to death outside um in addition he's the first man i've ever had sex with um i am faithful to him but when we have days like these i think is this really as good as it gets i'm sure he's thinking the same thing when i'm being an asshole that's the femur right there that's you really got to give the chain saw a full fucking force there um oh are they taking out that tree over there okay yeah the sick tree we had a sick tree tree had aids on our block and just keeled over it's very sad we we stood out there with candles it had tree aids it had tree it it was hiv positive i'm not making light of aids i'm making Jesus jesus i don't know who to get more offended let your trash and jim norner you're saying that i'm

ripping them off you do not why is my voice cracking you do that all right let's get back this i don't know i could totally be seeing this from a fucked up spot actually i think i am because he's great now she's going back this way she must have her period this week she's all over the map ow did you really have to punch me right fucking there all right he gives me whatever i want and as far as material things go typical broad he buys me stuff he's great i don't want to fuck him anymore but look at all this stuff um he listens to me sir i'm taking this one seriously because i think this girl's in a serious situation here um that's why i keep saying serious as many times as i can in the sentence seriously um he listens to me whenever i whine and he has

conversations with me that show me life from a different perspective and he's willing to work at our relationship and is committed to me those are the things that i love about him right to me those are the things that i love about him right i am getting through it i gotta do fifth she just gave me the sign wrap it up all right fine you're speaking for the listeners i'm going uh but i can't live like this anymore this girl is all over the map i told them once that i wanted some space like i wanted to wake up alone some days and he blew it out of proportion and says okay i'll give you plenty of space let's break up he did that shit um and then she said i asked if that's what he wanted because that wasn't

because that wasn't looking like the worst option in the world oh Jesus but his voice cracked and he said no that's not what i want so long story short i'm still waking up to him he's still asked why we can't fuck at 4 a.m. and we're still engaged i'm willing to say if we can make a few adjustments in our relationship i'm willing to stay if we could uh if we can make a few adjustments in our relationship otherwise how do i get out and hurt him the least what all right here we go i brought in a female for this one because i know i know what you want me to tell you what i'm thinking first no okay no i don't um she needs to break up with him okay and why because she doesn't love him anymore she's not in love with him she recognizes all his good traits and stuff but that's not a reason

to stay with someone if she can't give him what he needs because at no point did she say well no she talks about him wanting to cuddle and that's another other i think the 4 a.m. doesn't mean anything i think he just wants to be close to her and that's the one time that maybe she slows down and is in bed and that's where he can wrap his arms around her and and do all that sort of thing because it sounds like she's super busy all the time so he wants to spend that time with her so let's stay on track here so why why do you feel like she should break up with him because she's not in love with him anymore clearly she's not in love with him anymore she loves him he's a great guy um but she's not in love with him yeah no she isn't yeah i think that she's bringing up the

good traits is she's trying to convince herself to stay in the relationship because she doesn't want to hurt him yes she wants to be alone she's not ready to get married and that's fine he's going to be heartbroken no matter what because obviously he is in love with her he wants to work it out but it's cliche but it's like if she really loves him then she will let him go so that he can find somebody okay that wants to do all that kind of stuff that she's not because she's a bad okay wait a minute wait a minute before we get going before we get going let's what what's the what's the uh what this is a great topic for the podcast breaking up with somebody sucks because you get you know they're gonna start whimpering you know and you're gonna drive their tears with

the dirty pages of a tv guide and uh i don't know i was thinking about a coffee table what would be on the i always break up girls near a coffee table well yeah well you're not gonna be sitting on the bed you're on the bed you're gonna want to fuck no um sorry i just sometimes say dumb shit on this um what what is what is the best way what is the best way to break up with someone to hurt in the least do you have a technique no there's no way well could you try to be funny on this thing and just try to come up come up with the technique i i i got one for you send an send a send him a card that is actually for like a good occasion so it'll have like balloons and like silly animals on it congratulations yeah and then it says i'm breaking up yeah exactly you just

you cross out all the good stuff you are you add words yeah you aren't the love of my life but there's gonna be all this there's these cool pictures you have a new life congratulations she could find um a girl to oh she could be like oh let's have a threesome and find like a really hot sexy funny amazing girl and they all have like dinner and drinks and all have a good time go back to the bedroom and they all start doing it and she could slowly slip out and she's got her bags packed already yeah it's like you know what that's like she drives away well the two of them are having like probably amazing sex that's fucking awesome but he's loving this really awesome yeah and you know what's funny you know what's funny is he would

get no sympathy went to the bar he's like my girlfriend broke up with me oh god dude how she did it how did she do it was she fucking we had a threesome and i start this unbelievably hot girl i start banging she just slipped out of the window be like wait a minute that's like you know what that's like that's like as a comedian if you have to cancel a gig but you do the effort to give them a replacement comedian so there's there's no pain yeah that's what she should do ladies and gentlemen how about a round of applause i knew there was a reason i brought you and that was fucking awesome fucking niya there you go good for you good for you all right thank you thank you for being on the podcast this is you know what this is this weird thing like when you do panel on a talk show and

no matter what when the person wraps it up you feel you still feel slighted like i was just killing them we're going to commercial well listen thanks a lot good luck on your movie we're gonna be right back with the monday morning podcast that was fucking awesome high five there you go go make me a sandwich all right huh how fucking cool is she jesus christ there's no reason to even to even try and top that one i was i thought that was gonna be a new uh a new segment on the podcast wow if she ever breaks up with me she better fucking do it that way because that would uh i wonder how long into the threesome before you actually fucking discovered it you know and is that technically a threesome you know because if you didn't bang the other person

you know what that's like that's like you get a base hit but you fall down in the way of first base and then the right fielder throws you out is it bill is that what it's like i don't think it is all right you