Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-19

Episode Date: May 24, 2019

Bill talks with comedian Steve Sweeney about Boston, fighting, and success.

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He basically is on the Mount Rushmore of Boston comedy, started the whole scene there so someone like me could pursue this dream. No him, no me. Please welcome the legendary Steve Sweeney. Well, it's tough to live up to that, but I've got to show my respect, Steve. Come on. You know, this is amazing because I've done these shows with Joe, Joe Rogan, Mark Marin, and Greg Fitzsimmons, and you. And it's just you're all so successful. And I was saying to God today in my prayers, I said, so that's the key, huh? Open for me. I get to watch you guys go by me. But you know, I think I know. You know what it was as I think we learned from you guys. No, no, I think I know one of the keys to your success. You've probably heard this.

What is that? Your voice looking like Ron Howard? No, what? My voice? Oh, really? Have you heard that? No, you got a certain kind of voice. That there's a little thing where you sound a little like Nick Topolo, but you don't sound like him and you got this whole thing going. Not as good as him either. It's funny. Do you? Are you aware? Or do you think about how big you are right now? No and no. No, I don't. I don't. And that's the key. I know I'm doing really well. And but like, I don't feel any different. Okay. And the, you know, it's a you know what the deal when you go out, you're just listening to them. And it's do they need more? Do they need me to slow down? Do I need to change subjects? They spent their money. This is the night out. They got to sit up, put on a show. And I don't, you know, I don't. Alright, well, let me give you an example. I came up with you guys. If I was a fucking arrogant ass, you guys would have given me shit.

So you guys basically raised me right. We did. We raised. That's a funny way to put it. So right before I'm in your parking lot here, and I called one of the women that's in this movie. It's the first time I've ever heard you pronounce an R. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I know how to do it. As soon as I get out of here, back there, I'm like Bill Burr. You fucking cocksucker. Jesus, Bill Burr. He's an artist. Yeah. Anyway, so right before I came in here, Jordan Papalo, who's in my movie, our movie, she said, oh, she's gorgeous. She said, oh, I love Bill Burr. Now no woman has ever said that about me. Yeah, they did. No, we stop it. They did. You guys were like, dude, you guys were like, you know what, when you guys came up, it was also like, what was going on back then? You got to think when you guys came up, man, it was like, that was like D-Day, man. You guys stormed the beaches to establish that.

And then you combine the fact that cocaine was, doctors literally said cocaine is no more addictive than caffeine. That's the information you were given. If you got pulled over for drinking and driving, the cop would be like, where do you live? I'll write down the street. All right, just, you know, just go straight home. Like, there was none of that. There was no policing of behavior. Like, you know, back in the day, you look at a guy like John Barnum and Led Zeppelin. They would have been an intervention. They would have been like, okay, this guy is a raging alcoholic and we need to do something. It's just the information didn't exist. And we had to learn from your generation because you know what's fucking hilarious is when I started out, like, I felt like 80% of the headliners, their opening line was like, you know, so I've been sober for eight months. Yeah, that's right. Everyone was in a program. Everybody had cleaned. I got there right as the party fucking ended and everybody was sweeping up. And I felt like I missed it. But then I actually was kind of thankful for it because I'm a bit of a booze hound myself taking a little sabbatical here. You should be more than a little thankful. I did. I did a movie. I did a movie called Back to School. All right, Rodney Dangerfield, Sam Kennison.

I remember. Robert Downey and the director at the post party, the rap party or whatever party it was. Right. You know, there we were in a little room, you know, with the, what do you call it? The accoutrements of the day. The accoutrements, I like how you'd say that, but the Colombian marching powder or whatever you want to call it. A couple of library books. Yeah, it was library books. And I can remember another time I went to the William Morris agency and the guy said to me, do you want to do some coke?

I said, wow, Jesus Christ. Is this to start the meeting? By the way, do you just walk in? Like was it like Lou Grant when he would ask Mary Tyler Morey if you want to belt a scotch if she was having a tough day with somebody just break out an eight ball? Let me tell you something. You want to look at a portrait of life, right? Uh huh. Okay. So right now, here's my take on Los Angeles because I've been here a few times now this year with this movie, but I lived here. By the way, it's called Sweeney Killing Sweeney. It's on iTunes and it's on Amazon. Okay. So right now, here's my take on Los Angeles. The camping, it's amazing. This is the greatest place to camp out in the world because I see everybody's camping out wherever you go.

Every sidewalk is somebody's sleeping. Right. Right. You know what I'm saying? It's getting to be homeless as far as like the weather. Well, it's everybody's camping out. It's nice. They like the outdoors. And then in San Francisco, I'm at the Improv tonight, so I'm trying out some little material on you. San Francisco, I went there and, you know, I went to see all the Golden Gate Bridge and all the sites, Telegraph Avenue.

But then I said, let me, went in Rome, right? Right. Do as the, you know, people that live there did do. So I took a shit on the sidewalk and I got to tell you, it was very liberating. Anyway, so I can remember, I mean, you've been in the business a while now. 27 years, if you can believe it. So I'm going to be 51 next month. You look terrific.

Thank you. Even if you didn't, I would say that. That's how LA works. Yeah, that's right. There you go. Jesus, you look good. You look great. You want some Coke?

How about this one? How about the people you meet? Small for actors and comedians. Much more for actors and comedians. They're so positive that they've lost their personality. Oh, I know. You know what I mean? Oh, you just start saying yes too many times?

Well, it's like, how you doing? Great. You wouldn't believe how great I'm doing. I'm studying with this guy. I'm on food stamps. My teeth are falling out. A lot of stuff. I got a lot of irons in the fire.

That's a good one. I got a lot of irons in the fire. I'm feeling good about who I am. You know, that kind of shit. But anyway, I remember being at the William Morris Agency. It was this big building. And a guy in the lobby, like having a nervous breakdown, and he's saying, you tell him, I'm not doing.

He's not doing me the favor. I'm doing him the favor. He's not doing me the favor. You know, just the freaking despair of it. But I mean, you know, this is, it's a really, this is a hard place to get a handle on, if you will. No, it's a very... Can you put your mic down a little so I can see you?

Yeah, that's okay. Sorry. It's a very, like, I could also sit up straight for once in my life. Don't go crazy. It's a very, like, I don't, New York's a weird thing was all this crazy energy while it's super lonely. Where did you grow up? I grew up in the South Shore of Boston.

When I was younger, I was up on the North Shore. I was born... Where'd you live on the South Shore? In the North Shore, I was Peabody. Peabody's beautiful. Peabody. And then, of course, we moved right over to Linfield, which was a little nicer, but we didn't forget.

What did your dad do for a living? Dentist. Dentist. So he started in Peabody. Yep. And then we made the big move. We went to an apartment, then we moved to a house, and then we settled down in Canton, Randolph area.

And... Clubs Corner. Clubs Corner, yeah. Clubs Corner. Sharon Stoughton. Yeah. Fuckin' Canton. Canton Stoughton.

Mammoth Mott that used to be there with the big elephant. Hotland. Hotland. Hotland. Hotland. Don't forget about Hotland with the coupons. Coleman Sporting Goods. Yeah.

How about Ponca Park Golf Course, the longest day you'll ever have in your life? That was voted in Sports Illustrated, the worst public golf course in the country at one point. It's up there. It's up there. Yeah. It was just a bunch of people shit-faced in golf carts. That's right.

Doing burnouts in them. Yeah. And killing a 12-pack, playing nine holes, and then getting in a car and going back to fucking work. It was... And you know what's funny is that's when I used to caddy at Blue Hill Country Club. Wow. And, yeah, that was a nice course.

That was the private course, and then we would all go golfing up at Lake Ponke, and you know, I went to a caddy camp when I was a kid from the North End. I was grew up in Charleston, which was all high. But you grew up in the North End? No. My sister married a guy from the North End, a family from the North End. So I was from Charleston, and I went to caddy camp, and it was this place in New Hampshire with 48 Italians, one French kid and me.

So they used to take turns beating the shit out of me. I learned how to fight. I learned how to... Right. Oh, it was fun, actually. Well, you're not a small guy. I feel like, though, I feel like with the people that started Boston Comedy, there was like a height requirement, because you're tall, Lenny's tall, Frank's tall.

You guys are all well over six feet tall, Leary's tall. I remember standing... I'm like average height. I'm barely 5'10", which probably isn't average height anymore. Certainly not when you go overseas to, like, Sweden, yeah, I feel like a fucking shrimp over there. But you guys remember doing, like, comics come home, and I was there, Gavin. You guys are all, like, a foot taller than me.

I still felt like a little kid. Like a basketball team. What was... But you had the voice. You think that's what it is? The voice? Jesus. Well, no, you got the voice.

You got the material. You got the presence. What about my shit-chokes, man? Those... I always felt I had top-shelf shit-chokes. I danced around the fecal medal before I had finally hit you with it. Well, do you remember Jim Morris? Jim Morris was an impressionist.

Yeah, he's doing... Ronald Reagan was the big man. He did all of these wonderful impressions, but they would all end up taking a shit at the end of it. Ronald Reagan taking a shit. Here's this other guy taking a shit. So, no, you're good with this shit-chokes. You know when I first time I saw you, I was absolutely fucking hammered.

And I had snuck into Nick's, and I didn't even realize it was you, and I was so drunk I was there for a minute, and then they kicked me out. And then I decided I was going to be a comedian. This was like... I saw you in the late ages. I can't believe... I went into Nick's comedy stop in, like, 88 or 89. In the heyday, and I'm too shit-faced to fucking remember it.

This is the club that I started out in. And Noxy and all those guys were on the show, because years later, like in the drunken fog, I was in. I remembered the faces, but I saw you with the Knicks and Randolph. Do you... Go ahead. But do you actually... Did you ever have, like, a drinking problem?

I got a little out of hand. I was a binge drinker. And where I fucked up... I was like the binge on. Oh, I was bourbon and scotch and shit like that. And then I had... There was two... Are you Irish?

Two stupid things. Yeah. I'm a German, mainly German and Irish. I'm not doing that ancestry.com, because I'm not putting my fucking DNA on the internet. Those dumb fucks. They have a bald robot show up looking like me and come by and try and kill me. I brought it into my house, is what I did, and so then I didn't have to go out to get it.

So then it was there, so then rather than becoming a weekend thing, it started to become a nightly thing. And then being in the writer's room on this show, I'd come home fried. What show was that? A show called F is for Family. And I would come home and I started using it as a way to decompress. And then growing up where I grew up, I grew up where it was a big jock town, sports town. Which one, Ken?

Yeah, so it was like really competitive. So I started looking at bottles, like I can finish that in three nights. I don't know why I would think that. And I would just try to do a third, a third, and a third. And I felt like some sort of... I knew a Boston guy would be like, nice, good job. I felt it was like some sort of accomplishment. So it was kind of like, you know that deal, like what makes you successful can also take

you down. It depends on what you applied it to. And I was applying my drive to make it as a comedian with drinking. And the back of my head was like, dude, what are you doing here? So I just finally... I don't know what happened. It was funny. It was November of last year, and I literally looked at the guy I was drinking with going

dude, I'm never stopping. I fucking love this shit. Really? The next day I woke up and like, I'm not doing this anymore. I got a kid now. I just don't want her to see me. You know, I'll go out and get a drink with my wife at some point. I'm taking like a year off.

And then after that, you know, big... If I'm on the road and I'm going to a sporting event... You're taking a year off from drinking? Yeah. Okay. That's it. All right. Maybe go...

Definitely all of this year. I also want to go birthday to birthday. Like I'm turning 51. I didn't have one fucking drop when I was 51. I don't know if I'll be able to make that. That'll be like a year and a half. When's your birthday? June.

You can do it. How long have you been sober? June 9th will be 27 years. Dude, so you literally got sober right as I started in March of 92. But what were you like when you were drinking? I'm a fun drunk. You're a fun drunk. I'm fun and I tell people I love them and then I fall asleep.

I could see that. I could see that. I could see that. It all depends, but sometimes when I would get at a sporting event... You're going to be in my next movie. I got a movie about Ireland, about my bike trips in Ireland and you would be perfect with the red fucking beard and the whole fucking thing. You know what I mean?

Oh, Steve. You're fucking cunt. I don't know if I can't do that accent, I don't think. But here's what I found when I drank. When I drank champagne, I was like... I was cool, man. I was light. I was happy.

A little light and a loaf is there. Yeah. I was fucking beautiful. I was... There was people around the room. Yeah. You were eloquent. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. No, that was the cocaine. Beautiful thoughts. Profound shit. Cocaine didn't take you to a dark place. Oh, yeah. Of course it did. But it's just sounded like Jackie Mason.

Cocaine didn't take you to a dark place. But anyway... No, I did that. You know what would happen to me? Well, I'd do that shit and I'd write and I'd say, Bill, I'd say, this stuff is... I just wrote this thing and I've got to tell you, wow, I mean, I didn't know I was this deep. You know what I mean?

Right. This is a high concept. And then you look at it in the morning. It's the most obvious shit. Oh, the sky's blue, whatever. So that's where that took me. But the champagne, I was fun, but then when I took the whiskey, oh my God, I was a fucking... It's fucking...

I don't know what it is about the brown stuff. It makes a lot of people surly. Oh, Jesus, and you can smell yourself and you're fucking all of a sudden. You know what I always thought was a mean fucking liquor was gin. Oh, yeah. Gin is... I think gin... I was afraid to drink.

First of all, I don't like that floral taste to it, but I always just hear it as like, isn't this shit where you never committed a crime and then you drink a bottle of this and you stab someone in an alley or are you... Well, it's gin and tonic, you know? I mean, that makes you feel a little... Not so much tonic, more gin, you know what I mean? You grow up in Charlestown and can't know whatever, it's like, no one has gin and tonic. You know, they say, let me try this.

Now, Don Gavin, who you know, he was always angry at me because I never had my own drink. And he's very serious about his drinking, you know? Like I'd have a Bloody Mary and then a champagne and a beer and all that, and he'd say, choose a drink, Jesus Christ, it's a matter with you, he'd get so pissed off. I actually understand that, yeah, because you know what it is, is he's a pro. He's a professional drinker. Yeah, if you come in and you like know your drink... You've got to know your drink.

And that's what... There's a whole etiquette in a bar. If you come in during the day and you sit down and you're just low energy, yeah, yeah, you're doing it, you order a, it has to be a man's drink, too. And you order that fucking thing and you don't have to... In Boston, at least, you don't even have to talk to the guy. When you finished it, he was coming back, because he knew that you were putting your work in and also that you weren't going to be a problem.

It was people like yourself that come in, this guy, he just did a line of coke, now he's drinking champagne, is that a wine cooler? You're a wild card, like no one knows, what is this guy going to fucking do? That, well, a guy said to me, do you remember the combat zone? It's now known as the theater district, you know? People listening to combat zone used to be where all the drug pushers, the pimps, the prostitutes, strip joints, pussycat theater, there was a bar down there called Harry's, which I went into one night when I was underage to get served.

The naked eye. The naked eye. And now for our main room, it's Vanessa, you know, and then the girl would come... You couldn't scratch anywhere near your nose when you walked down there, you have ten guys coming up to you. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. So the girl would get off and say, it's Mercedes, and now from Las Vegas, it's Mercedes, and then you talk to her.

She's from Winthrop. Yeah, that's all. Milden. I go to Bunker Hill. I'm a single mother, then they start telling about you. Two credits shy. Two credits, and they start telling about their life, which I'm not here to hear about your life.

Anyway, so when they're at one of those joints at eight in the morning, and a guy who's just like that bar, and it's a wonderful life, you know, we don't like characters here, and it's a place where people come to drink. So the guy says to me, you start and I'm finishing, right, eight in the morning. Because the bartender's got good lines, and I said, eh, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. It sounded like Keith Richards, you know, oh, fuck it, fuck it, get the fuck out of here. I can remember that.

Oh, he told you to get the fuck out of here? Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. I love that if you were just starting, he was okay with giving you a drink at eight in the morning, but because you just, you couldn't answer the question, you know. Right. There was a great bartender at Nick's Comedy Stop named Gino, and he was serving drinks to this guy.

I'll never forget it. And the guy's drink was rum and coke, and Gino said, okay, so I'm going to give this guy a rum and coke. He's going to fall to the left off the stool, and he did. Isn't that amazing? Yeah. Well, that's always been your thing, your fascination with like characters, like how you, you pick up on that, like, do you remember Bobby Flank, Rest of Soul, Bobby Flank.

And I remember his big, his catchphrase was when you came in, hey, how you doing? Shut that fucking door. Shut the door. Shut that fucking door. Shut that fucking door. He never said shut the door. Billy, how you doing? Great.

Shut that fucking door. Every single time. You'd almost leave it open just to hear him say it. It was like, it was like you were on like his own little sitcom, and he was such a nice guy to like all the guys that I started out with, me, Dane, Patrice, Bobby Kelly, Bob Miley. All good guys, all good guys. You know, I, Al Del Benny, jeez, I'm getting so old, I'm trying to remember all the fucking

names now. But, but, you know, I, I'm kind of, language is interesting, and, and what it says is interesting about the person that, you know, speaks a certain kind of language. So I did the opening of the movie in Summerville, and it was great. I had all these mayors there. It was wonderful, right? And this guy from Charlestown, I see him outside, after the movie, right? It's one of the great nights of my life.

He says, what's new, nothing? You know, they ask you a question, and they answer it in the negative. What's new, nothing? That's fucking great. Yeah. Why is, what is it with Massachusetts in general, that there's that many, there's so many characters in, I hope it's still like that, but I know it's everything's getting homogenized. And that I remember, like that was a saying when I was coming up, oh, you know, Fitzie,

dude, that guy's a character. He's a fucking character. He's a character. And like, it didn't mean like, to me, that just meant like, you know, you know, he was a good shit, you know, whatever. But the older I got, I would see like, this guy literally is a character in like, unlike out here in LA, where everybody is so self aware, which you kind of have to be as a performer to kind of feed what it is that you're doing.

Those people back there have no idea the show that they're putting on. Yeah. I saw a guy out here actually, actually put on a nice show. I was, I was talking about my last podcast. I was sitting at a regular table with me, my wife, and my daughter. And these two guys want to sit at a high top bar table. Okay. And this guy was sort of like medium fat.

And there wasn't enough space for him to get his belly in between the chair. And he made like four different attempts to try to get up on the stool and he couldn't do it. And he stood back and he was kind of looking at the physics of it. And I was, it was literally like watching like a Chaplin movie. It was like a silent film. Because there was no, no lines. Oh, and I was joking.

All I was missing was like the old lady playing the piano and the guy finally gets in. And of course, there was no punch in the air where he like spills his drink. But I remember seeing that and it's just like, you don't see that enough out here with people that are in the business because I just think that there's this weird thing where you sort of eat yourself out here. Let me ask you something. Are you a good sleeper? Yeah.

Not that I'm not drinking. Yeah. Now that I'm not drinking, I am. So I went by the other day and I was meeting some friends for dinner, you know, old friends. So this guy is sleeping on the sidewalk and what I said to myself is how do they do that? How do they have that kind of inner security to just say, okay, could you sleep on a sidewalk? I mean, I'd be up every five minutes thinking something was going to happen. I'd have to be so hammered that I didn't care.

I did because I did that one time I slept on the parking lot of an IHOP waiting for it to open. It was my graduation night. Me and my friends all went out and got fucking blind drunk. Yeah. We were all driving, of course, because that's what you did back then. And we were those four of us and my buddy, 79 T-Bird, and we got to this fucking IHOP that was open 23 hours a day.

Is that the one in Brighton? I forget where it was. Yeah. It was off of Route 1. Oh, Sargas. And there was one where they, one hour they cleaned it up and we got there when they were cleaning it up. We were like, what the fuck?

And I was just so, I just wanted to lay down. I was so tired and I went out and I laid down like between the parked cars, his car. You did? Yeah. And I laid down. I remember I put my head on the asphalt and it hurt. So I took my wallet out and I used that as the pillow, like right on the back of my head.

I just crossed my arms and crossed my legs and the sun woke me up in the sound of a family going and I woke up and all the, like there was a two door coop and both doors were wide open and we were just hammered, my two buddies in the front seat passed out. You know what they look like in good fellas? When the two people get whacked in the pink caddy, they look like except they were drunk and then my other buddy was laying across in the back seat and I was laying on the ground. I had a lot of those. I remember passing out somewhere down on the cape on the side of a bluff leading down to

the ocean. Holy shit. Fucking hammered in this tall grass with like, you know, where they cut the grass until the grade got so steep, they weren't going to bring a lawn mower down there. We were just laying in the weeds and I just remember, I woke up to this woman being like, and then the pilgrims came in and I landed like right there. Yeah. And literally, and I heard this girl go like, Oh, mommy, why are they sleeping?

Now is this like, it was bad. What happened was we were drinking and driving and my buddy got a flat and we were so shit faced. We needed to sober up to get the jack and all of that shit. And then the tour woke us up. He had a VW Fox and I remember we we I put the jack and I put it. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't put it under the frame.

I put it under his is like the floorboard or whatever. And it just went like right through and I was like, all right, that's not it. Like like trying to find a stud in a wall and I finally got it on the frame and we were able to get the thing off, but I had to bring it back down because we didn't loosen the lug nuts. First, you know, you don't want to do that when it's in the air because the fucking wheel turns. Yeah, I got to be a great photo album, you know, me, all the places I passed out and

you passed out on what it led to, you know, but you know, it's funny what goes on in your mind. I remember I did Letterman two days later. I was passed out in the bushes fucking Ben's because Mark Parento had this party with a guy was saying that guy was on Letterman the other night and he said the other guy said and you know how when you passed out, you can still hear voices like you heard the pilgrims? Yeah.

He said that guy is a fucking whino. And so I get up. It was like humiliating if I was sober, but I was like, God. So no, any during any of those times during that whole time was it because everybody was doing it that there was no thought of like, I kind of need to slow down, so fix with doing it for Christ's sakes, you know. But I I don't yeah, there is that part of you that there's a part of you that says something not right about this shit, right?

But what about like paying taxes and shit? I remember all you guys got your wages, garnished just everybody. I know. Is it true they used to pay you and like give you the option cocaine or the money? No, that was in Florida. That was. That was in Florida. I did a gig down in Tampa.

Yeah, the guy and like a guy said, you know, and is that did you try it before you agree? I mean, I didn't like this. This doesn't feel like 250. I was I was just talking about not having a business sense. But a guy did a routine about a guy named Joey from Chicago. He says, oh, yeah, I'll say that to my landlord. I'm going to pay you any of the money or coke. What would you like?

Yeah, I was, you know, I did morning radio for five years at CLX and I talked to guys that lived through it all and we'd look at each other and say, you know, amazing was still alive, you know, but I got to tell you, did you lose a lot of people? Yeah. Coming up. There was there. No, not as bad now because I actually work in the field. You probably don't know that I work in jails.

I do substance abuse counseling, but there's an epidemic of the opioid stuff. Is that going on out here? It's going on all across the country. I I've actually I've had. I think three people either have lose somebody or have somebody, a kid, they had to do an intervention on just in like the last year and I lost a childhood friend to it from from back east or out here. He got off it and then he man, it was brutal.

He had a beautiful little five year old daughter. I was just thinking about her the other day that she's got to be close to graduating high school now. He died a while ago and and that guy, you know, was one of the funniest people I've ever met because that's a funny thing. When I go back and I run into like my friends from high school, they were all as funny as I was. A lot of them were funny like like just led like the balls they had the shit that they

did. Well, that's another thing. Like when you said character, yeah, that word, like in Charleston, if a guy was crazy that was a good thing. Yeah. Oh, he's a crazy bastard. He'll do anything. Yeah.

I always looked at it like there was people like when they come up to me like, dude, I was fucking funnier than you. What a fucking you blah, blah, blah. It's like, dude, you got to understand, man. Like I'm the guy that tells the story. You're the story. Okay. I, I, you know, I didn't, you know, pedestrian, stupid, juvenile shit, but these guys did

stuff where you were just like, what the fuck? Like to the point, I still don't tell, I tell them off air to you, but just some of the shit that I saw some of these guys do. I mean, there's one classic story when I'm not going to name any names of where the fuck we were, but we went to a college party. Okay. And two of my friends, you go to college. I'm not naming anything.

Okay. All right. So it wasn't the college that I went to because that's on my Wikipedia. If you heard the story, you know, it wasn't the college I went to. Okay. So anyway, uh, two of my friends decided to leave and it was like an off-campus apartment building and there was this party upstairs that they went to. Okay.

And they leave and I swear to God, like they came back 10 minutes later. One of them had a separated shoulder and a bloody lip. And the other one had a gash right on top of his head. He had a flat top. So you could see the blood, like a gash going from the, like the top of his head right down to his forehead. Oh my God. And we were like, dude, what the fuck happened?

Right. And, uh, they go, we just, we just walked in this party. Everybody beat the shit out of us. So we all fucking storm up there. Right. Oh, that's what that fighting words and the dude leading us, I swear to God, he was a bouncer and he had like a mouthpiece, like a mouth guard. And he would put this fucking, it was a funny thing.

Yeah. Cause he, cause he was exciting. I'm very excited. He would go to square off with people when he would put the mouth guard in and we would like psych him out. Right. So he's leading us up there. And so we, we march up the stairs and we hear the party and he knocks

on the door in the most innocent voice ever. He goes, excuse me, is there a party in there? And they open the door and like 12 angry men come in, right? And just start swinging. Dude, I'd never forget because it was on those old brown stones, just the sound of the wood floors of all that stomping around, just, okay. Goes down in about fucking 30 seconds, smoke clears. And I'm sizing this up as drunk as I am.

And there's like fucking four guys and four women in there. And like a board game that's been like tipped over and stuff. We're kind of like looking like, what do we do? We went to the wrong party. Oh, the real party. They were just like on like a date night and, and the real, yes. And the real party, we didn't put it together until cause we like, who fucking smashed the bottle?

We were idiots. And then the real party was all the way upstairs and is the funny thing. They were funny. We're, we're, okay. The ironic thing, they were rich kids and they sued both of my friends. They had like, you know, big time lawyer parents and they sued them. And, uh, oh, I remember we, I forgot part of the story. My buddy, we popped his shoulder back in and he went up there and he fucking

threw a punch with the same arm and missed, popped it out again. I'll never forget. I remember seeing him at my feet, flopping around like a fish. He was in so much pain. And afterwards we were like, dude, why the fuck did you, why the fuck didn't you throw with your left instead of your right? He goes, I wanted this arm to get its revenge. So fucking like, and that once again, that sounds like comedy, but he was

such a character, like he was, he was serious, like, and I just remember all my friends back then would just, um, looking back at them, what character that fucking kid with the mouthpiece, the fucking mouthpiece. I never heard of that ever. It wasn't like a full on one where he covered his teeth. It was something he like, he like bit down on. Like, so if someone gave him like an uppercut, his teeth wouldn't smash together.

See the way you're looking at me, I see you had a lot of fights. Like you, you were a fighter. Yeah. No, I, I enjoy these stories, but, but the, the, the part of the story when you went to the wrong party, it was like, Oh my God. But no, I, uh, I had a fantastic fascination with all of this. I got in my share of fights. I would say my record was maybe two wins and 23 losses.

Yeah. And then the break out 23 to know you, you weren't good at it. No, I, I, I was, I did okay. I wasn't formidable, but I did okay till about sixth grade. And then all of a sudden everybody hit their growth spurt and I hit puberty late and then all of a sudden I needed to get, what is the worst feeling? Then I needed, I needed to fucking get funny fast, you know, you know, what is there, what is a worse feeling than you're in the sixth grade?

That makes you what, 14, 15, 13, 13 guy offers you out the beginning of the day. So you're spending the whole day, and then the buzz builds. Oh my God. And I, I was like, it was the crowd that psyched me out more. I wasn't very good, but a weird thing happened to me. Then I, uh, I lost the fear of taking a beating and then I was good. But, well, how did, how does that happen? Well, if you, my father used to train fighters.

So anyway, and he never taught me anything, but I took boxing in high school with this guy, Yui Duffy, and we, it was Boston, English. So it was a funny thing because he'd always say, there's no such thing as a punch-slump fighter. He saw it sounded like Mick and Rocky. And then when the, the bell would ring to change class, anyway. So you get in the ring with this guy who was an old guy at the time and he would just pummel you, he would just pummel you.

And then you find out, okay, I can take it and you have the head gear. But, uh, I used to love to like be a spectator of those things. There were fights in Charlestown that were unbelievable. They were up there like, what, do you know the movie, the quiet man, John Wayne? He fights a fight from county to county and it goes on and on. So in Charlestown, there were fights from courtyard to courtyard, two kids like Jackie McDougal. He had a left hook that would just knock people out and the sick fight in this

guy Ronnie pool and then there was this kid, Paul Troy. He met on the bridge with this Italian kid. So that was North End versus Charlestown because for people not from Boston, you can just basically walk all the Italians and all the Irish. And I was telling this on one of the other podcasts. So there was a group fight. So you go over there and be an Irish. You know, part of being Irish is that you don't have any emotions.

Isn't that true? And usually, and you know that you got German and Irish. So, yeah, there's a, there's a joke in England is like, what's an English girl without a sense of humor or a German, you know, that just was nothing. So anyway, you're lined up with this kid from the North End and you're just looking at them and they're so fucking unbelievable, you know, with the voice and the gestures and then what they're going to do. I'm going to take your fucking hair.

I'm going to, what are you fucking dick of me? I'm going to rip your fucking Irish whiskey face fucking head, right? And you're just kind of watching, you know, when you're an actor, which you are, it's part of you doing and part of watching. And then you forget, shit, I'm in a fight. I'm supposed to fight, you know. So what are you thinking as you're going over that bridge? Cause this is just normal Charleston, you know what?

I'll tell you something. I'm going to be honest with you. Every time you're going into this, have you had Mike Tyson on your show? No, I think Rogan has. I'm not as big of him. No, he said the same thing. It's all fear. It's all fear, you know, and then what happens?

And then it starts and then you just survival. Cause I, cause that's, cause I admit, that's when I. I started like, when you, you played the Boston gardens, right? As I have, I did comics, come home and I did, uh, yeah. You had one of the best sets ever. So you're on your way up the stairs to the gardens, right? So the sphere, right? Did you feel afraid, nervous?

Um, what did I feel? I felt, uh, I didn't feel it on my show cause they came to see me, but on comics, come home, that's like Leary's thing and Neely's thing. So it's just like, and everybody's swinging for the fences. So the later you go, yeah, it's, yeah, I feel like pressure is what I feel. All right. So, well, let me make two points there. When I go on stage, it was like, this is unbelievable.

No one's looking at me. They're all look at the screens. Have you noticed that weird? Even the people down front will do that looking at the screens. So I said, no, I can relax. There's nobody fucking looking at me, even though there's 17,000 of them. But that's the feeling. You know what I mean?

But, uh, like, I don't know why we're talking about this, but cause it's interesting, but I think, I think it's that, I think it's that primal thing of like, you could get killed, you know, and that's real. You could get killed in a fight and that's, and that's when I lost my heart, when, when, when guys, when a guy's got, um, past a certain size, they got bigger and then like, I started seeing blood and teeth getting knocked out shit and just people getting pummeled and coming back with swollen faces. And I was just like, Hey, I don't want to do that.

I didn't want to do it. It's like sickening. And also I was an angry enough kid where it's like, I don't want to tap in. I don't want to become that. I don't, I, number one was fear. I don't want that done to me, but I also, I just didn't want to. Like, uh, you know, I just, these guys, I was just like, that was just playing fucking nerf football with this guy.

Here it is three years later. He's starting to be able to grow sideburns and he has a court case and it's just like, wow, like what the fuck happened? And like this guy, we were trading football cards. So can fucking eating on that fucking stale gum that they gave you. And then let's just, this guy, this guy has to go to court. Yeah. So it just became like, you know, it's funny.

The grade I was in though was really, we were like a cool grade where, where like the popular kids, by the end of it, the popular kids were hanging out with the burnouts and the athletes, everybody who just sort of just, we were fun. But the grade above me and the grade below me were fucking lunatics. Yeah. They were lunatics. That's what happened in Charleston. Yeah.

My generation, they were okay. Pretty much. Uh, well, not exactly okay by terms of like society because. But above Charleston, but above and below fucking bank robin, armored cars, the whole thing, but let me ask you something that I've never asked anyone else. Cause this is how my mind works. I'll think of an incident that happened many years ago. And I'll say to myself, I really should have given that guy a dope slap.

Do you ever think of that? Yeah. Like somebody insults you and you just sort of remember it. Yeah. Yeah. No, uh, but I've, I fortunately got to the, but I always, but it always comes out best. If you don't, if you don't. Yeah.

Well, I remember there was a guy who was a fucking asshole to me or my perception. In the business. Yeah. Cause there's a lot in this. So this, this was my, uh, son. And well, what he really did was he just made a wise ask comment and all I should have done was break his balls back. Yeah.

But I didn't know to, and I, I, I took it personal. Yeah. And, uh, he also fucking didn't pay me for a gig. So. What city was it? Uh, I don't, I, cause people. I'm going to figure out who the fuck it is. I'll tell you, I'll tell you off there.

All right. So I just remember, I was just like, you know what, fuck that motherfucker. Someday I'm going to fuck, I'm going to get, I'm going to get here and he's going to come up to me and act like he's my friend. I'm going to tell that guy to go fuck himself and blah, blah, blah. So anyway, the speech. Yeah, we all have a speech. Oh, I'm going to, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.

Right. So I remember a years later, I booked an acting gig and I was doing all right. And he came walking by and goes, Hey, I heard about love. He goes, congratulations. Seriously, man, fucking congratulations. I was just, oh yeah, thanks a lot. And he walked away and then it just dawned on me. I was just like, Oh wait, that was the moment.

He was going to come up to me. No, I actually thought like, huh, I don't even give a shit. Oh, and I learned something about life where I was just like, you know, I've had these moments where there's been this person. That's, you know, in my mind is in front of me and is blocking my way to get through the next door to move up. And I just realized after a while that like, I don't need to fight this guy. I just have to keep, I got to go inward and just keep getting better and keep

this guy, this guy is not in my way. Yeah, he's not in my way. I am doing my thing. Okay. And this guy's being a cunt, but he's not going to be, I just kept picture myself just going up and up and up and up and up like a balloon. And I'm just going to go right up and over this little guy. You know, I don't need to fucking sit here.

And cause I would watch guys and I did it too, but I would watch guys get derailed by that and all that energy that you could be using to build up what you're doing, you're plotting and scheming and, and, and bad mouth and, and doing all of this shit. And then that guy is in your way. But if you don't react to it, then he's fighting a, you know, what are they called a one way war, one sided war or something like that. Yeah, there was a, you know, there was all those fucking guys when you came

up, those guys that try to get you to be loyal just to their club. And if you worked at other club on that fucking, it's like, all right, well, then what are you paying me? Yeah, because this is my nut every month. Right. You know, I remember this, this fucking jerk off down at the, this I will say down at, down at the comedy connection. Uh, and the comedy connection had the place in Boston, which was the flagship.

And then they had the one down in Providence, the old bank, right? Which I think still exists new ownership too. So I'm not shitting on the people that are there. God bless them. I hope they sell out all their shows this year. Right. So this is back in the day. So I went down there and I was working with Rick Delea, right?

And Rick Delea hosts, I go up and I'm middle. Um, and then I forget who fucking Billy Martin or somebody closed. And, uh, so I go to get my check from them and I, they gave me hosting money. So for people listening, you know, if the host gets paid, this feature gets a little more and then the headline, it gets the lion's share. So that they gave me host money. And I, you know, as a feature, you do more time than the host. So you should get more money.

So I called the guy up. He's like, Hey, what's going on? I was like, yeah, I, uh, I featured on that show down in Providence. You gave me a host money. He goes, Oh, no, no, no, no. He goes, you co-hosted. He like invented this term. Yeah.

He said, I co-hosted. So I got, no, I didn't. Co-hosting would have been if me and Delea went on stage at the same time, like the Smothers Brothers, right? He fucking warmed him up and then brought me up and walked off. And I did my fucking 20 minutes. And so then after that, I never played the club again for a while because he kept calling me up, you available.

And of course I just kept saying, I'm not available. I'm not available. That was the passive aggressive way I did it. Cause I was still nervous cause he still booked Boston. But then he said to me, he goes out, what days are you available? I was like, all right, I got to bite the bullet. This is your opportunity. So I'm like, all right, I'm fucking available this Thursday.

All right, we're going to put you down in Providence. I said, what, what do you got it? Yeah, you got me. Co, this is my big line back then when I thought it was fun. I was like, what do you got me co-hosting for a Twinkie? And he kind of fucking laughed. And then, um, cause I talked to Patrice about it. I just stood my ground.

It's like, dude, I can't go down there. Yeah, I just, I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but. I can't as, as a, as a feature, I can't go down there and feature and then have you pay me host money. It's like you're managing a club. What if they gave you waitress money and said, oh, you co-waitresses. Exactly. But, but it's interesting too, because.

And then I didn't work the club for awhile. Yeah, there you go. There you go. But you know, I, I try to like not tell the stories cause I get upset and keeps it alive, but there's a guy who screwed me. Who's named rhymes with third Reich. And then there's first name rhymes, rhymes with groom. Okay.

Anyway, so, uh, I ended up suing them and I won and everything. And you know, I, uh, I'm like you though, because there's a tendency when I relive the story to get all pissed off. And I think that's what kept me down a lot. Is those stories that I would tell myself. And then one day, and I also, my drug of choice was telling people go fuck themselves. I, I, I fantasized about it. I love doing it.

I, it's so fun in the moment. The fallout sucks, but it's so fun. And you know, I, it's, uh, yeah, it is. It's, it's a wonderful thing. You know, like you get to do it, but my mind is so full of movies that it's always clean in a movie. It doesn't come out like, oh, my fuck you, you know. Because when I get angry, you were talking about fighting early.

I lose all control. It becomes white and crazy. And, and I did get to tell him to go fuck himself. As a matter of fact, and it, it didn't give me the satisfaction that I was hoping I would, you know, so now, like you, I say life, life is two things. Life is short and life's a gift, you know, and you wake up every day. You got to pinch yourself where you are right now. I mean, I mean, not the outside things.

You got a kid, you got a wife, you, you're healthy. I mean, that's the way I feel. I mean, look at me fucking, you shit me. I got to tell you something that I haven't told anybody. And I'm going to be, look at me, shit me. What the fuck? Look at me. What the fuck?

I'm alive, right? But I got to tell you something that I haven't told anybody until this trip with this movie and, uh, and with Joe too, you know, with everything with this movie, I really, I would have spent the rest of my days thinking, I just, you know, I did my thing in Boston and that was it. And then the reception I've gotten from guys like you and guys coming up that I meant something to them, but, but I never knew that. And, and I never thought about that.

And I never considered that. So it's been like, that's probably been the best part of this whole thing. It's like, like when I went to the improv, because agents are always going to they're going to find something about you that will keep you in your fucking place, you know, and that's all these regional. He's all this shit. And that's what this movie is about, by the way. Uh, but then when I see guys like yourself that are so successful, you

still even remember who I am. And I'm not being falsely modest, you know, but, but that's how I feel is like because this is what you mean to me. The fact, I can't believe that you're on my podcast that you talk to me like I'm a peer and this how big you are to me. And the fact that I actually have your cell phone number and that you called me the other day going like, so we still got the fucking noon on Wednesday. I was just like, I just talked to Steve Sweeney.

Well, you know what that is. It's just like, it's, it's the people that like, uh, cause you know, you don't just become a comedian. Like you can just end up working in a factory. You can end up working at a bank or something. Like, I mean, I'm not saying shit on those jobs, but I'm just saying this is like something, this is like a passion. So when you guys building the scene and all of that made it possible.

Cause I literally thought if I wanted to be a comedian before I knew anything that I had to move to LA or New York, like I, it just seemed like a million miles away and then somebody finally told me that you can just sign up for an open mic down the street and then I went in and then I got into this whole world of like, and, you know, and then the history, like who started this? And it's like, oh, he's fucking five guys started at the ding-ho with the Chinese restaurant. There were no clubs.

Yeah. And it's like, and they don't have day jobs. No, they just tell jokes. Dunnevin, Mike Dunnevin, all of those guys. And I was just like, brilliant, absolutely brilliant. But one of my favorite lines ever in anybody's act was a throwaway line that Dunnevin used and it was so specific to Boston when he was talking about some disgruntled guy at work and he was yelling.

He was giving his boss shit back. Give him, you know, the boss was like, ah, so he was giving it back to me. He goes, hey, I'll fucking blah, blah, blah. He goes, I'll take a fucking 20 minute shit on the clock. And I remember there was a guy worked in a warehouse and he did that every morning. He would go in and there would be like the, the roach crotch would show up and he would eat something and then like clockwork a half an hour later, he grabbed the Herald of the globe and he would slowly walk to the bathroom and he wasn't

even shit and dude, he would just be sitting there. How was it take to take a shit? He'd be in there for a fucking half hour every day. And that's why I still feel so thankful for this job because he, it's like the days have become mundane. He hated the job that the thing that he looked forward to was sitting. You do, you sit on a toilet that long, your legs fall asleep. He would fucking sit there and was like, what we would do is we would start going

in, we would go, we'd give him like 10 minutes. So the smell would go away. Yeah, this guy, Joe, Joe, he's still taking that shit there. And he'd be like, fuck it. His catchphrase was, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

Yeah. I don't give a fuck. I had a job in a factory, converse rubber. I'll never forget this. It was a factory and the fumes I'm sure my lungs were all screwed up from. Yeah. But I was on an assembly line literally in front of a clock. So you'd say to yourself, I'm not going to look up.

I'm not going to look up. I'm not going to look up. Then now I can look up because I've waited so long and you think it's two hours, it's like 10 minutes. But, you know, I, the way you feel about some of the guys that started, I, I met Al Pacino and I was like, because I'm an actor, you know, it's like, there's part of me talking to him than another part. I'm talking to fucking Al Pacino.

Well, like when I worked with George Carlin, you know, and they was that like, I never got to meet amazing, amazing because he let you relax. He helped you to relax. So you could, and then when he respects your work, it's like, are you kidding me? But I was, I could see him like with his style, liking your style. Brilliant, brilliant. Man, very, very light, very deep.

Same time. He, we took a car from Portland, Maine to Boston and he named all the constellations. He was always like curious, you know, and I just love, I would watch him go on stage, you know. You rode in a car with George fucking Carlin. Oh, yeah. And he rented the car and I kept it a week late.

My clock was saying, are you going to bring that car back? And I said, well, I'm still using it. It's like, you know what I mean? And he was paying for it? Yeah. And I know what's wrong with me. I was just, I was kind of out of it, you know. Oh, you were partying?

No, I was just sort of a flake, you know, and I wasn't focused. And, um, that goes a little beyond not returning a rental car. Flaken is being fucking an hour late for an appointment, keeping a rental car for a week. I know it was very inconsiderate. If I was in my right mind, I wouldn't do it, but, and I don't know what came over me. I couldn't get up.

I had a problem getting up. That's why I guess I'm depressed. You know, you know what I've been thinking lately, maybe I'm bipolar. Really? You don't strike me as that. Well, I can say that having no medical degree at all. You can say whatever you want. It's like an AA, you know, there's all kinds of people that give legal advice,

doctors advice, and they work as iron workers and fucking plumber. Yeah, dumpa, you know, council, family council. Yeah, dumpa, get rid of her. Yeah, something told me the other day. There's plenty, there's plenty of fish in the sea. Well, I want this fish. Well, fuck that. I never forget one time.

Get another wife. Get a fucking other. I remember one time I was on a retreat, yoga retreat, and I was feeling really open and connected. And I said to a friend, I said, I want to talk. And he said, not about that feeling shit, is it? So, well, you're fine. And then he says, you find yourself, you find anybody else the fuck.

Oh, yeah. No, it's so well, the attitude is like California sucks. You ever been there? No, I don't fucking have to go there. You know, dude, I have a friend of mine. Yeah, he calls me up. He's from back East and he calls me because he misses me. Oh, he wants to talk to me, but he's so East Coast, he can't say it.

So he has to gay bash me for the first minute of the phone call. Like I'll pick up the phone. Hey, man, what's going on? Yeah, what's up? Where are you? I'm like, yeah, I'm out here in LA. Oh, yeah, you sucking cock for a fucking pot. He still does that.

I'm like, I know, I'm just just just driving down the street. And for the whole first minute, it's just me rubbing somebody's balls or taking it in the ass to get somewhere. And I always just always say it sounds like you miss. It's almost become like this running joke that he's just going to gay bash me and then be like, yeah, go. Oh, so you're saying you miss me. Ah, dude, you know, I love you.

You watching the fucking Bruins, dude. It's fucking crazy, right, kid? I think they're going to do it. I got a buddy knows the Bruins. We're going to drink out of the fucking cup, kid. You know, it just it just kind of goes into this thing. But like, so now it's this weird thing that when he does that. Yeah, this is a kid you grew up with.

Yeah. Yeah. So when he does that now, it's like, as he's saying it, I'm just laughing and I get this warm feeling like this is his way of saying I love you when I miss you by saying you suck and dick out there to get to where the fuck you want to be. I know that this yeah, yeah, there's there's moments. I remember at my mother's funeral, this kid, Teddy Ryan was there

and Stevie Tech, Sarah and Stevie Tech said, this is my mother's funeral. Right now, 40 years earlier, Teddy Ryan had fumbled on the one yard line and Stevie Tech, Sarah said to him, you didn't hold the ball the right way. You know how you hold the ball and football. He said, I said, I said, I thought that was so funny, you know, my friend Richie said, who I grew up with, every time he sees me, he calls me cheap. I'm anybody knows, but when we were like 12, he paid for something.

Hey, can I go? Oh, it's over. Can I go to the bathroom and then we can continue? Yeah, we got to wrap it up. Oh, I'm so sorry. No, we got to right here in an hour. All right. Leave him wanting more.

Leave him wanting more. Well, I could talk to you for like doing like a nine part episode. So the film is called. Yes. Sweeney Killing Sweeney. It's on Amazon and it's on iTunes. And you're really going to like this. I'm watching it tonight.

All right. I'm watching it tonight. Now that I get your phone number, I'll actually get the text to you about it. Dude, I listen, I'm going to spend a thrill. I'm going to embarrass you. Okay. Oh, Jesus. No compliments.

What are you talking about feelings? You fucking cocksucker. You're fucking cocksucker. There's only two feelings. Anger and rage. That's it. I'm very proud of you. You've done you've done great.

Good for you. And not just because of your success, because of your life. You know, you got a wife. You got a kid. You're doing what you love to do. And that's why guys like that call you, you know, they, they're proud of you. And so when they say something, it means more than, you know, somebody who's just met you says, oh, yeah, you're great, Billy.

Jesus, Billy. Well, that means the world to me doing this was an absolute thrill to have you on. And this is not the only time because I want to, I want to hear great. Yeah. How about Charleston? All right. Sweeney killing Sweeney, the great, the king of Boston comedy, Steve Sweeney. Thank you for listening.

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Uh, you're going to love it as much as I do. Get your status set for just five bucks at dollars, shave club.com. slash, bur, the stowa, shave club dot com slash burr. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, May 23rd, 2011. Oh, Jesus, as you can tell, I'm sick. I got sick.

Huh? You like that shit? Do you feel better about your life in a little fucking area that you've carved out in it? Huh? Does that make you look at Mr. Snuggle Bear that you have hanging from your fucking cubicle and make you feel better?

Well, I hope it does. I feel like, I didn't feel like shit. I, I just feel like my fucking throat is just all raspy. I did eight shows at Caroline's Comedy Club. You probably wonder why, Bill? Why would one man do eight hours of comedy? Well, I'll tell you why. Because we fucking put them up for sale and everybody bought tickets and we started

adding more and those all sold out. I felt like a big shot. It was a fucking big shot. But, you know, this is going to be a rough one, people. I've been flying all over the, I've had six flights in the last 15 fucking days. This last one was my final one. I'm going on vacation next, vacation, vacation next week. Five fucking glorious days, glorious days.

I'm going to go to Hampton Beach and fucking New Hampshire. Got to get myself some fried dough. I'm going to pick a tattoo off of the wall. I'm going to slap my girl around and I'm going to do what you do on Hampton Beach. Five fucking glorious days. I'm sticking my toes in the water. And that's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to keep repeating shit on this podcast so I can somehow make it be a fucking hour long. I'll just sing everything I just said, you know? So I can make it an hour long. I'm just going to sing everything I just said. Ah, fuck. Ah, Jesus.

This is these are the days I wish I had an assistant. Hey, you know, what's been going on in your week? Mike? Oh, fucking tell ya. I'm the married guy on this show and then he throws it back to me. Oh, dude, I don't know how you do it. Oh, look at him. They're opposites.

Just like Mike and Mike. One guy's in the bleachers. The other guy. Oh, he's fucking right near the action. And then the bleacher guy's always more real. You know? Oh, look at me. I'm so fucking real.

Really? Like you're not fucking taking your dick out and jerking it to pour in your fat fuck. I'm not buying it for a second. You're not more real. You just have poorer dietary choices. All right? You tub of shit. I had nothing to do with those two guys.

This had to do with the fact that I need to get my fucking energy going. If I'm going to do a podcast. I got one more show, people. I had eight of Carolines. I got one right now. Let me plow through this crap. What are we going to talk about this week? What?

In God's name, we're going to talk about this week. I have no fucking idea. How about Lance Armstrong? Why don't we talk about that? You know? What the fuck did Lance do? The guy passed 500 drug tests like 10 fucking years ago. It's over.

How are you going to catch him now? You know how you're going to catch him? Douchebag of the week. He's fucking teammate. It goes on 60 minutes. And he's fucking ratting them out. You know how much pussy that guy's gotten in his lifetime? Because he knows Lance Armstrong.

And now all of a sudden, the pussy train's over. Pussy train is fucking over. So now what he's doing? He's playing the last card he has to play. Just like the fucking chick on the side. Who knows you're married. Thinks you're going to leave your wife. And then that one faithful day when she realizes,

not only are you not going to leave, you're not going to give her any money to go pay for her fucking shoes. So she plays her last goddamn card. She goes on TV and she goes, oh, I've been sucking his dick for the last 10 fucking years. It becomes a best-selling author. You know?

Gets her name etched in right next to fucking Ernest Hemingway. Like she's anywhere near that guy's level. Probably sells even more books. All the dumb cunts in this fucking society. Can I use that word? I don't want to shit on this country. Yeah. What the fuck is with this asshole?

I only saw the beginning of the interview. They're saying that, you know, because he was forced under oath. Under oath. He's been forced to some shit. I don't know what it is. That he has to tell the truth. No, you don't. They weren't there.

I didn't see. I never saw him do it. Sergeant, that's it. What do you want me to do? I'm not making up anything. What a fucking asshole that guy is. That guy's a fucking asshole. All right?

This has nothing to do with Lance Armstrong. This has to do with France not liking our foreign policy. That's what it has to do with. It has to do with them in general not liking Americans. It has to do with them in general being rude cunts to anybody who goes over to the Paris to buy a fucking croissant. They got to be assholes. You know? Been going after this guy forever because he's over there winning the Tour de France.

They can't fucking handle it. That our drugged up guy is beating your drugged up guy. What are you going to do? Are you going to take his fucking titles away? And who are you going to give them to? You know, you can't ride a bike 30 miles an hour up a fucking mountain without being on something. For a month straight. I could see if you had to get medicine for somebody that you loved and they were going to die.

I think you could have a burst of adrenaline and you could fucking do that. All right, but you can't do it for a month. Look, all these fucking guys are taking something in every goddamn sport. All right? All you need to do is just go stretch, work out a little bit and go and go play some touch football. All right? In your 20s and your 30s. And let me know how you feel the next fucking day.

You're going to feel absolutely fucking horrific. All right? These guys play it at a professional level. How do you play NFL football? How do you play that for fucking 15 goddamn? You're playing tackle football? Really? How about you youngsters out there?

Have you done that? Have you done that dumb move yet in your early 20s? You still think you're in your teens or whatever and you're thinking you're going to go out and go play tackle football? You can't fucking do it. These guys play it at a professional level. They get hit by guys like Ray Lewis. Then they got to get up off the ground and continue to play. And then they got to fucking practice on Tuesday and do it again.

15 more fucking times. What are you going to take? A Fred Flintstone vitamin and an aspirin? They're all on drugs. They're sacrificing their bodies to entertain us. It's fucking ridiculous. I can't believe his fucking team. I would never do that shit.

I would never fucking do that to somebody. You're under oath. Am I? Okay. What do you want to know? He's the greatest guy ever. Thanks to him, I got to be on a championship fucking team. He put shit in his body.

He didn't even know what the fuck it was. Also, we could win. Oh, the French pussy we got. Oh, cool. Lance Armstrong going on 60 minutes. I always saw the first two minutes of a typical me. I haven't watched the whole thing. But was he acting like it was a struggle to rat him out?

I really don't want to do this, but I have to. You know what probably happened? They probably confiscated his hard drive, right? And they found some sort of freaky shit. They got something. Well, they sent some whore around the way, you know? And he's in the fucking fruit section in the goddamn grocery store. And she comes over, starts rubbing his balls, right?

Bags them in some fucking hotel room in her apartment. They got all the video. They got him. All right. What's it going to be? Your family and your marriage? Are you going to throw Lance under the bus? Come on.

I know it's hard. That's okay if you cry. Do the right thing. We're booking you on 60 minutes next week. Go out there and go fucking rat out your friend. Rat out your friend. Your friend. Guy got you all that pussy, you know?

People who in seven years are winning the Tour de France. Okay. Tour de France, right? Tour de France. Okay. The people in his little fucking pack, they probably got more pussy than goddamn American soldiers who liberated that country and got Hitler the fuck out of there. Okay.

You understand that? Because the American soldiers, they were probably there, you know, the bike race that was seven years of dominance, seven years of pussy, right? The American soldiers on the other hand, they kicked those motherfuckers out. That was it. They didn't do it seven years in a row. God knows they were probably there seven days before some big fucking meat-handed douchebag said something stupid in one of those French broads grabbed a tits or whatever and then

the whole fucking thing was over. He ruined it. He ruined it for everyone else. Douchebag of the week. That fucking cunt on Lance Armstrong. He went on 60 minutes and ratted him out. You know, psyched I was all these years watching the goddamn frogs over there trying to prove that this guy was a bad guy and they just couldn't fucking do it and then he retires

and I'm like, it's over. The door is closed. It's fucking over. You know what? I will give the French people this. You are some persistent sons of bitches. You know? Is it all the time you save every morning not putting deodorant on that you actually focused

on this case that you were finally able to get this guy to fucking roll over on his friend? Is there anything more fucking tragic than watching a friend tell on another friend? This fucking kid wasn't raised right. All right? I swear to God, if that was my son, I don't know what I would do. I don't know what I would do. I would just why are you doing this to him? He did it.

I don't give a fuck if he did it. That's not what this is about. You think those other pricks weren't doing it? Do the Germans run it right a bike in that race? They do, don't they? Yeah. What is their fucking track record? Half the fucking women in East Germany could bench press the entire fucking USA cycling team.

You motherfucker. Do you know what happened to me and your mother when we went to Paris that time? We were all excited. We wanted to see the Mona Lisa. They treated us like dirt. Get out of my sight. You've shamed me. You've shamed our name.

Oh, don't give me that. You went on TV like a bitch running your fucking mouth. Get out of here. Honey, fuck. I knew there was something wrong with you. I was sick of riding a bicycle when I was eight. The first time I fucking saw a peek up that chick's dress. That was it.

It's all booze and pussy. Well, it was, honey. It was until I met you. Stay out of this. This is man stuff. You fucking went and get out. You went on TV and you ratted out your friend. What the fuck did I do?

All those times I sat you down. And I told you, no matter what happens, you never tell on your friend. All right? Handle that shit yourself. All right, now go grab your fucking bike with your goddamn bitch ass training wheels and get the fuck out of my sight.

Don't call me till the Super Bowl. That's how I handle that one. I don't know why I give a shit. Why do I give a fuck about a goddamn bike race? I root for fucking people who do dumb shit. What the fuck is with my computer? There we go. All right.

So anyways, oh, by the way, people, you're probably wondering how the hell I got so goddamn sick. You know? Who gets a fucking head cold in the middle of May? I'll tell you who. Somebody out there busting their ass. All right, that's when you know you're working hard. When you still get colds in the summer.

Or is it the spring? I think it's still the spring, right? With global warming, does it bump it up a little bit? Um, no, I fucking, I've been flying all around. I taped that episode of Glee out there in fucking New Mexico. And I knew I was going to get sick. This fucking guy, you, on the amount of shit I'm going to get when you see the fucking outfit they had me in.

I swear to God, they had me in this half shirt thing. All right, it's a comedy. It's a, I'm just bracing you for it. But it was windy. We were outside doing this whole fucking routine. And I was getting the chills. And I knew I was going to get sick. And then I jumped on another plane of flew to New York

to do the fucking, uh, Carolites, right? So I'm on West Coast time. I land. I got to get up at six in the morning, which is three o'clock my fucking body clock time. I run my mouth on the radio. I go back, quick nap or whatever, whatever the fuck I got to do.

And then I do the shows. Then you wake up the next day, you do it again. Then you do two more shows. And then you go to bed. And then you wake up and you're fucking sick. Happens every goddamn time. I was taking my vitamins or vitamins. Is that, was that what they say in England?

Oregano, oregano. Um, all right. All right. What are we going to talk about this week? Let's, let's get into some advice. People, this is definitely going to be a short one. All right. Thank God for that fucking douche of the week.

I think I would have wrapped it up by now. Oh, let's talk fucking hockey, man. Two, two, Bruins Lightning. I hope you guys are watching this series. It's been fucking awesome. Um, big shout out to all my friends on Twitter who are from Tampa. You guys seem to enjoy a lot of the things

that I was sending out last week. Fuck. Um, yeah. Tampa has an awesome team. So the only card I have, I can play is just a shit on Tampa. And for some reason, these goddamn idiots on Twitter are taking the bait.

You know, Bill hates Tampa. He really fucking hates it. I don't give a fuck about Tampa. I just want to annoy you. You know, because you annoy me. The fact that you are such a non-hockey fucking city and you have such a great team. Honestly, how many had to look up Steve Eisenman

when he came to town? You know, are you rednecks down there? What's the hell's that goddamn Jew coming down here? What the fucks he knew about hockey? Shit, you might as well fuck. Well, he's a former NHL player, Hall of Fame. Oh, all right. I thought he was, uh, I'm sorry.

Now, what is that Stanley Cup? Was that originally a spit tune? Is that what it was? I know what a lot of you guys are probably thinking. You're probably thinking, why is he doing a redneck southern accent? This is Florida. Yeah, that's what most of Florida is.

There's Miami, and then there's the rest of it. And the rest of it is a fucking hellhole other than nature. Everglades are beautiful. Beaches are gorgeous. You know, trees, the animals, the birds, all that shit down there. Absolutely gorgeous.

But I'll tell you, if you're not in Miami, man, all right? I've never been out of the Florida Keys. From what I heard, it's all gay guys and people running from the law, you know? People living on houseboats and shit. Right? Isn't that why they found that guy who shot that Versace dude?

Wasn't he down there? He combined both people. He was gay and a- and a felon. Um, fucking, uh, yeah, tap it. It's just a, uh... You know, I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about.

But anyways, the series has been fucking tremendous. It's making me age or whatever. And every time I think Tampa is way better than we are, all of a sudden we look unstoppable and then we go, holy shit. We're up through three... We're gonna be up three games to one here. We can just score three fucking goals.

And that's the magic number for the Bruins. Anytime they go up three games, three goals or whatever, I don't know what they do. They just fucking rest. Sit back on that. Let's chill for a while. This is boring.

Let's make it exciting. They fucking blew the goddamn league. I can tell you this right now. I feel good, though. They're gonna come back to Boston. All right, today... All right, we're gonna kick them right in the cunt. That's what we're gonna do,

just like we did in game three that actually missed because I was working. That's my prediction. We're gonna win another one of those two-to-one games. One of those games, all right? That's what's happening. Then we'll go down to Tampa and then they're gonna win it, right?

They're gonna win that game after we go up a couple of goals. Oh, shit. Are we gonna close them out down in that strip mall that they play in? Nope. They're gonna come back. Then for game seven,

it's gonna be anybody's... I'm gonna guess first goal wins that one. Unless it's the Bruins. I have no faith in our ability to hold the fucking league. Lead, I just don't. And since last week, my prediction was San Jose and Tampa in the finals,

and I thought Tampa was gonna win the whole fucking thing. All of a sudden, Vancouver woke up and they're playing to their potential. So now I'm gonna call Vancouver. Look at me. I'm just like one of those guys on ESPN. Every other time you see me, I'm picking somebody else

so that I could be like, dude, what I say? What I... Dude, I fucking called it. I totally fucking called it. All right. So, let's plow ahead. Let's get to the advice.

I hope my voice isn't as annoying as it sounds to me. Advice. Oh, man, this is a fucking brutal one. Oh, by the way, for all you Jesus freaks out there, he fucking blew you off again. How does that feel?

Huh? Once again. Once again. They sent out the flyers. Everybody was ready. You know? And what happened? He just...

He fucking blew it off again. How many times? This is like fucking watching Charlie Brown try and kick the football. How many times can fucking Lucy pull it out and he lands on his goddamn back? How many times are you guys gonna sit there and think this dude is coming back?

You know, what's wrong with you? He's not coming back. I gotta admit, I get a little scared every time. Like, what is he gonna be... I just don't fucking believe in any of that. I don't believe that there's this guy who's fucking mad at me.

For what? For what? I've been going to therapy and that type of shit. I'm starting to realize the stuff that I did. A lot of it was cause some shit that some fucking cunt did to me when I was a kid. So that fucked my brain up. That's my fault.

So now you gotta get mad cause I went to a fucking titty bar and a bunch of horser in there that you made. You made him. That's where the whole thing breaks down for me. Where I gotta be this fucking unbelievable great person. Like...

If you wanted us to be fucking great people, why didn't you make us great people? I think he's fucking bored. He wanted to see... He wants, like, choice. Alright, I'll give him the choice to do the right thing and the wrong thing and then I'm gonna sit there and watch it.

Because if I don't, if I just make everybody great, everybody's gonna be standing around like those little fucking weirdo things at the end of the Grinch. Holding hands around a Christmas tree and going, Wahoo, ho-dee, wahoo, ho-dee,

Christmas, whatever the fuck they say. Who the hell would want to live like that? You know, I like the Grinch. I wouldn't go and... I wouldn't be in business with the guy. Couldn't trust a fucker like that. Don't you know how to hang out with them in a bar?

You know, it'd be like, Grinch, look at that chick over there. What do you think about her? And just listen to him go off on her. You just sit there and laugh, you know? As he just disappears into hate. Then you look over at one of your friends, you know, you shoot him that look where you put your eyebrows up, like...

It's getting good. It's getting good. So, once again, he didn't show up. He didn't fucking show up and then what, all the Bible thumpers got to run around and start adjusting their speeches. Well, see what I was saying? What the fuck?

Eugh! Grr! You know, most of the times having a beard is fucking awesome because you don't have to fucking shave every day. That's the great thing about having a beard. The bad time is when you're going to blow your fucking nose. It just ends in your mustache. It's fucking disgusting.

All right, what am I talking about? Yeah, what are all... Hey, does anybody go to one of those churches where they got... Yeah, if you do, you're not listening to this. You're not allowed to, right? Because I'm the devil! Did you fucking grow up? Anyways, let's plow ahead here.

He didn't show up. You know he wasn't going to show. You know, it's weird. Do you want to get saved? The only way I want to get saved is if I actually get to... Once I get saved and brought up on a cloud, is if I get to look down and watch Jesus just fucking...

You know? Just taking people out. He's going to kill all of us? Is that how they're going to do it? I don't know these stories. I don't read that book. Isn't that what he's going to do? He's going to come back.

He's coming back like a thief in the night. Thief in the night. Let me see if I can piece this together. Some of the expressions I've heard people say. He's coming back like a thief in the night, okay? And that's when he's going to sneak and take your loved ones and leave you behind. Right?

Jesus Christ. It's so fucking childish. They're praying on your goddamn fear as a kid of being left alone at the mall. Mall? Dad? Jesus? I don't buy it.

I don't buy anything when they sell it to me out of fear. Unless we're talking condoms. Alright, here we go. Advice for this week. Dear Bill. Dear Billy Boy, I'm 34 years old and I've been married. We'll call her Melinda.

My wife, for about five years, we met on an online dating website and immediately felt a special bond. We dated for three years, but I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with after the first week. Anyway, we have two kids, twins, who are both girls.

Well, congratulations. It's a great story so far. Where could this go wrong? While my sister was watching them for us one night, my wife decided to take me to my favorite steakhouse. She seemed like she really wanted me to have a great time and thought I was going to get, oh, and I thought I was going to get lucky afterwards.

Little did I know that she was going to tell me her biggest secret. Near the end of our meal, she looked at me and said, Jim, I'm going to tell you something that's not a joke and something that may anger you. I thought she was going to tell me that she had, tell me something about the bills or some shit about,

Jesus, I lost my space. I thought she was going to tell me, what did you think, Bill? What did you think? I thought she was going to tell me something about the bills or something about the, or some shit about the kids. Nope.

She looks at me and right after she said that, she goes, I'm gay with Mandy, our neighbor. Oh my God. And what happened then? Did your fancy, heavy fork slam down onto the plate when you dropped it? Then everybody turned around and looked at you.

Bill, I have no idea what to do because of the kids and because of what everyone will say if I tell them. I had a gay wife. I'm thinking about packing up and going to Iceland or some shit, but no, that won't work. Melinda told me she wanted to stay married, but on certain nights, we could just bang around with other people.

She's afraid of what others will think. I would never even consider that and I'm really confused on what to do. Help me? All right, dude. I'm going to try to help you out here. Okay. What she's doing is she's gradually ending the marriage.

Okay. She's not ready to just fucking come out and say she's gay and go live a gay lifestyle. So she's telling you first and now she wants you to keep it a secret and allow her to go outside the relationship to go fuck around with the girl next door. Now you didn't even mention,

is she married to somebody else? You know, I don't know. So you got to look out for yourself here. This isn't what you want. I'm going to guess, right? You don't want to have a wife who's gay twice a month. She's gay. Let her go fucking be gay.

You know? But you don't have to be involved in that. You don't want, you know, that's not what the fuck you're looking for here. That's what, you know, so you got to tell us, she's got to walk. It's over. I think you got, and I know there's kids

and all that type of stuff, but what the fuck are you supposed to do? They might not get it right now. They're going to get it at some point. When they get old enough, they're going to understand the adult choice that you had to make, because I understand it's their mom,

so it's going to be painful. What you guys could do is be like, all right, why don't we just live in the same town or the same area, so you can still be involved with the kids. There's no big deal. You know, try to make it as easy as possible, and then respect her wishes to keep it quiet.

You know, let her tell people. That's, I really believe that. Like, you know, as upset as you are, don't go around fucking telling that, because that's, I don't know, people are assholes when it comes to that shit, so,

but you got to look out for yourself here, dude, so you got to get out of that. You got to get out of that, because what's going to happen is she's gradually going to become more and more gay and less and less the chick you're fucking married, and then one day you're going to be sitting there, and she's going to be dressed like fucking Archie Bunker.

You know, oh, I thought it'd be all right to bring fucking Mrs. Hoosier-Whatza over here. You know, and they're going to be sitting there watching some show on choppers, right? And then what the fuck are you going to do? What if you happen to come home with one of your buddies

and just be like, he's going to be like, why does your fucking wife, when did she start dressing like squiggy on Laverne and Shirley? I'm sorry. I'm just fucking around. I had to make it funny.

This is a depressing thing here. All right. So, good thing you're only 34 years old. Let's get some positive here. All right. Another good thing. She didn't wait till you were 50 fucking four, and you realized your whole marriage was a lie.

You only lost a few years of your life here. You still got two great kids. All right. You got a story to tell. All right. That could actually get you some pussy as you're getting back on your feet. They'll feel bad for you, you know?

Maybe they'll even try and prove how heterosexual they are and give you an extra good fucking blow job. And something else good in there. Oh, then another good thing is the girl, she's fucking around with hot. And does she occasionally like some dick? Maybe you could get a fucking threesome for the road.

Threesome for the road. Sounds like a fucking, an old country song. Trailer for sailor rent. My fucking wife is gay, I think. I'm gonna fuck her, friend. As I make her lick my balls. Come on in, kids.

I've got something to tell you. Your mom is gay. And she's licking my balls. Whatever, I can't fucking sing. Dude, that sucks. You gotta get out of it, all right? You gotta get out of it. She's gradually breaking up with you.

She doesn't have the courage yet to tell people that she's gay, all right? And you gotta respect her timetable, but you can't let her use you, all right? She's already been using you. She's been fucking around behind your back, all right? You're walking. Just come up with some sort of story, you know?

And then you guys both stick with it. And don't be like fucking that cunt who's ratting out Lance Armstrong right now. Just keep your mouth shut. And when she wants to come out and say it, look, and if people are judging you like, oh, wow, I can't believe, you know, you guys are breaking up.

What about the kids, blah, blah, blah? Let them judge you or whatever. They'll owe you a big apology. A big fucking apology when she finally comes out and says what the secret is, so whatever. Then you'll look like the martyr, right? I don't know, dude. My heart goes out to you.

That sucks. That really fucking sucks. But you gotta get out of that. You gotta get out of that, all right? Good luck to you, sir. All right, next one. Bill, dearest William. My son is a good kid.

Respectful and thoughtful. And never in trouble at school. You sound like a parent of somebody kid who just did something really bad. My kid's a good kid. He's respectful and thoughtful. He never gets in trouble. I don't know where he got that oozy.

He never gets in trouble at school or on the playground. He plays Little League Baseball and is 11 years old. Is he best friends with a dolphin? This sounds like an all-American kid. Last year, I had a disagreement with his baseball coach who brought in a ringer from another league to play in a local tournament.

Wow, this took a left turn. The coach used the ringer in all the key positions for every inning while many of the other kids spent most of the game resting. After a few games, I spoke to the coach and let him know that I thought it was unfair how the house league kids were being passed over for the ringer.

His reply was, that's the way I do things. And lineups are my decision. In the subsequent tournament games, my kid was punished for my outspoken complaint by becoming the unofficial bench warmer. Obviously, this was upsetting to my kid. Dude, what is wrong with fucking adults

that you do that to a kid? I could see going, hey, this is my team, this is how I'm running it. But to then take it out on his kid who didn't say anything, what a douche. You know what is head? He thinks he's the next fucking Chuck Tanner. I'm sorry.

Earl Weaver, I have no idea. I brought a complaint forward to our league's president, saying that I felt this coach was unfair. Oh, so now we're making it worse if he's friends with that guy you bitched to. I suggested that he was unfit for coaching and the league should reconsider his placement. Unfortunately, the president quit before the ruling

on the matter and the new president chose to sweep it under the rug. The new baseball season began a month ago and new teams were formed. My boy's first game back was against his last year's coach. At the end of the game during the handshake, my son shook everyone's hands except for the old coach's hand. When my son told me about this,

I did not tell him that his decision was right or wrong, but I understood it and I supported it. Was this bad parenting? Is this bad sportsmanship? No. No, it isn't. It's not, it's not. You know why?

Maybe one thing, if everybody's an adult, you're not, you're talking about a kid here. This guy's fucking with kids for his own goddamn ego trip and he punished your kid who didn't do anything. So fuck him. Your kid's only going to be a kid once, you know? Those exciting moments during the games when there's pressure, that builds character, you know?

And also, you know, if it goes wrong, it ruins the childhood, so maybe it did help you. I'm just saying. That's why sports is the shit. It's fucking great. It's great. And he robbed him of that. You paid the fee.

Fuck this guy. No, it's not bad sportsmanship, but I think you're a hell of a dad that you're actually questioning it and you also didn't say it was right or wrong, you say understood why you did it. Nah, dude, you're fucking solid. Don't even worry about it. Alright, two weeks later I was approached by two members

of the executive board of our league who asked me to speak to my son about shaking everyone's hand at the end of every game. Dude, this is classic sports. They never see the first hit. They always see the retaliation, so he's getting caught for retaliating. Obviously, his old coach had complained.

Yeah, dude, I bet if you yank down his sport, like bike pants, the coaches still wear those. Remember those, the bike shorts? Not bicycle shorts. There was these shorts that all coach wore. They were made by a company called Bike. I bet if you yank those down, he's got a fucking vagina. This guy's a cunt.

He really is. What an element. I said, obviously, the coach had complained. I was shocked but said that I would give it some thought. The two teams will meet again soon. What should I do? Should I tell my son to shake his old coach's hand or should I tell the executive board to piss off

and worry about parenting their own kids? It is possible for the league to suspend my son. They have not threatened this, but I consider it. But I need to consider the possible repercussions. I'm a big fan. I don't know why, but I respect your opinion. All right, dude, you know what you're dealing with? You're dealing with a guy who's a fucking power happy.

He's a psycho. You know, he gets off on this shit. He gets off on the power of telling you, this is my lineup. Sit down. And now I'm going to sit, you kid. You kid doesn't fucking shake my hand. He feels like you got one up on him.

So now he's going to go down there. And he's going to get off. He's not about sportsmanship. He's going to get off on the fact that he's going to make your seed reach out and shake his fucking hand. He'll probably fill up a little bit the fucking pervert. You know what? Fuck this guy.

That's what my gut says. But that's not how the world works. Out in the world, cunts like this win. So there's only one solution here. You got to go fuck with his car. No, kid. I'm totally against that. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I really don't. You know what? Tell him to shake his hand like he's a lady. Like he, your son's the man. But he goes to shake it out just fucking.

Just fucking. Just either have him the way he shakes it or he'll just say, just have him say something. Does that make you happy, sweetheart? Just something. Well, you kind of call it a fucking, just something. You get, there you go. All right.

And every time he goes back to complain or whatever. You got to, yeah, that's it. That's what you got to do is the guy, is the guy fat? Maybe he could say something. Hey, great game there, fatty. Hey there, fudgy. Yeah, fatty is just too mean.

I don't know what. There's something, have him do the handshake so you don't piss off the board. Go play his fucking game. All right. And you just have him say something or shake it, grab the guy's hand, hold it like he's a dainty lady.

Grab the guy's hand, hold it like he's a dainty, like he's a dainty fucking pussy that he is. That really annoys me. You know what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking about that fucking, that guy, who they always bring back on Survivor. Who ended up crying when he finally got taken off. Anybody watch it this past season?

I actually got sucked into it. That dude, Boston Ron, played the best fucking game I've ever seen. Manipulated the whole fucking game and he gave people the choice of a fucking lunatic and an absolute airhead. And even though they all fucking hated him, the other two people were so goddamn unworthy of it.

They had to give it to him when he won. It was fucking brilliant. I'm sure a lot of people could think to do something like that, but to actually pull it off was ridiculous. And the fucking airhead chick was the linchpin. That was the whole thing. That's why he made it because they should have all turned on Rob

on the last fucking round and they didn't. Oh, it was fucking great. It was great. Boston Rob, dude. He's not fucking around, kid, you know? His fucking wife won it. He won it. It's fucking two million dollars, dude.

You know? But does he go down and get us a fucking Boston cover? No, no, dude. He's keeping it all for himself. Selfish fuck, dude. All right, YouTube videos for the week. What am I? I'm 40 minutes in.

Guys, this is just going to be a short one. It's going to be short just like the fucking dick on that douche fucking with that kid in the little league. What an asshole. What a fucking asshole. When's this game? Maybe some of my listeners can come up with something. Hey, guys.

What say you fucking contribute to the podcast? You want to do that? Why don't you do that? Give this poor bastard. You can tell the way he wrote it. You can tell. My fucking voice is junk. You can tell the way he wrote that.

That guy's a good dad. He's also a good person. He's actually looking at this shit from 360 degrees. Like, am I a bad guy or what? Give this guy some suggestions on what his kid can do. He's got to shake his fucking hand. I don't want the kid to get suspended. All right.

I don't know what else to tell him. It'd help if you could send me a description of what this guy looks like. There's something you got to do. There's got to be something. You know, you got to go passive aggressive here, even though I can't stand passive aggressiveness. But this guy's being a bitch, so maybe this is the time you got to fight fire with fire.

I don't know what. All right, underrated, overrated for the week. All right. Underrated. Captain Kirk of the Roots, Questlove and Jack White are the three most underrated musicians of this generation. I'd go with Captain Kirk and Questlove, but what's his face?

Jack White gets plenty of accolades. They did a goddamn documentary with Jimmy Page the Edge and now him. Aren't they saying he's basically the Jimmy Page or the Edge of this era if they do that? No? I don't fucking know. Anyway, so it's too bad pop stars get all the attention because most people don't appreciate how fucking great Jack White is.

All right. You know what? I need to dispel this fucking myth, or at least what I feel is a myth. People, if you like quote unquote good music, stop paying attention to pop music and going, oh God, what is wrong with this country? What is wrong with the culture?

It's 13, 14, 15 year old girls are buying Justin Bieber albums. Okay. There's really no reason to sit there, tearing your fucking hair out, acting like 30, 35 year old people are buying this shit. They're not. They are. They're buying it for their kids.

All right. There's always going to be pop culture. Pop culture is not destroying music. It just gives you something to bitch about and makes your band look cooler. So quit your fucking whining. God, I'm so fucking sick of that. I mean, what happened to music?

It's always been like that. Oh yeah, the 60s. It was so real with the monkeys and the Partridge family. Telly Savales put out a fucking album in the 70s. All right. It's always been awful and unbelievable. So listen to the unbelievable shit. But, you know, just know that kids are listening to that.

Kids, you know, that they're allowed to have music. They're allowed to have Leaf Garrett, Sean Cassidy, fucking Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, all of them. They're not for you. They're not saying you have to listen to them. All these fucking cunts on YouTube who go to these great musician sites, they always have to bring up Justin Bieber.

Isn't it sad that Justin Bieber is selling 100 million records and this guy's only selling fucking publicity? No, it isn't. It isn't sad. It's not sad. All right? He's fucking 18 years old. All right?

And he's appealing to 13-year-old chicks. Good for him. You know? He made a zillion bucks. Good for him. He's not affecting your fucking music. And if they took him away, they wouldn't go and listen to your fucking jam band.

They're 13-year-old girls. They're not going to do it. They're just going to look for the next fucking guy. All right? Anyways, what really ruined music was fucking downloading shit for free. That's what ruined it, I think. The internet and all that shit,

it just, it splintered the whole thing and there's no more superstars anymore. I'm not saying the old system was great. It used to get raped in a lot of ways. Steela Music was justification for them charging us $18 for a fucking CD. When it only cost them a dollar to make it. They made a ton of fucking money and they raped all of us for two generations.

All right? For two decades. So, I don't know. But without judging downloading, either way, the whole advent of downloading shit for free is really what I think destroyed it. But anyways, let's plow ahead. Take your pick between any of the six White Stripe albums,

two Ray-Con tour albums, I don't know how to say that, or the two Dead Weather albums. And you'll see the guy belongs in the conversation with the all-time greats. Well, dude, I don't know how you missed it. There's a documentary out there called It Might Get Loud

and he gets just about as many props as you could possibly get in that. Anyways, my dad grew up on the Beatles and Zeppelin swears that Jack White is better than all of them. All right, well, I would swear that your dad took LSD a little too much if he thinks that Jack White is better than the fucking Beatles.

All right, or even Zeppelin for that matter. Although Zeppelin, you know, they got a lot of covers in their fucking catalog, so I don't know, Jack White, he's writing his own songs, isn't he? Oh, Jesus. Two Bad Maroon 5, Green Day, Nickelback, and Coldplay will always outsell him.

See, this is where it always goes. Because they cater their music to the radio. Well, that's their prerogative. Green Day's a fucking great band, by the way. It's a fucking great band. Nickelback, yeah. Coldplay, yeah, I get that. I get that, you know.

They write those songs you hear at one time. You're like, oh, that wasn't bad. And then you hear it again. And you're like, oh, my God, I want to kill everyone who made that song. Although Coldplay is not nearly as bad as Nickelback. But all I can say is get used to it because those bands are always going to be around

and those bands will always outsell the better bands. And there's no reason to get mad at it because, you know, most of the people who buy fucking music are in their teens, aren't they? So that's what the fuck they listen to. All right, Jesus. Let me come down off of my fucking

goddamn soapbox here. But I will go, I will say, I saw that dude, Captain Kirk, play live. He's fucking unbelievable. And Questlove is obviously the shit. And I think Jack White's awesome. So everybody that you pick there, I obviously agree with.

All right. And now, what are we up to? 47 minutes. 47 minutes, people. I don't know what else to talk about. Oh, I know what I'm going to talk about. What the fuck is my newspaper here? This is at the risk of burning some potential material.

This is something you can look forward to watching me go off. I'm going in the future on stage. All right, hang on a second. I got blown my goddamn nose again. Hold on, hold on. Let's go. Eat a pastry. Fuck.

Yeah, we had to get out of the mustache. Anyways, so everybody saw what happened on Schwarzenegger this week, right? So Time Magazine has an article out there. It says, sex lies arrogance. What makes powerful men act like pigs? Okay. So I look at who wrote it.

It's written by a lady. How fucking funny is that? Sex lies arrogance. What makes powerful men act like pigs? A woman is going to tell the world why guys act the way they act. Do you realize how fucked up? At what point are men going to make a fucking stand here with this, okay, I don't want to come off like a chauvinistic pig here,

and you're just giving away everything. A guy should have wrote this article. He could have had so much more fucking insight. What the fuck does a woman know? She doesn't know, and the whole thing is just a thing. The whole thing is written by, in the female's point of view, which is the only thing you understand is being that woman who got cheated on. So there's this woman's scorned vibe under the whole article,

but there's no information in here. I learned nothing. In the beginning, I learned nothing as a guy, and she's fucking wrong on most of her points. One of the great things they like to say is that men of power, the reason why they cheat is because they feel entitled. They feel they're entitled. I'm not going to burn the bit, but that's so not even true.

And what kills me is some fucking broad like this. Nancy Gibbs would sit there and argue with me. Being a lady. A lady, do you understand what you're doing there? You're basically telling me that you know how my brain works better than I do. The reason why I bought this fucking article, because I was watching it on television, I saw the art, and obviously, like a fucking magnet,

I'm drawn to this, I'm like, I like this topic. I want to hear about this. Nancy Gibbs comes on, and she's talking to a guy. And he's going, really? Oh, is that what it is? Oh, okay. It's just fucking horrific. That would be like me, like, here's something for you.

Here's like women, you're never going to know what it's like to have a dick, all right? So stop it. Stop trying to write articles. Stop trying to act like you're in our heads, and you know what we're thinking. You don't. You're not going to be an observer. You're going to be an observer. You're sitting on the grassy knoll. Where did the shots come from? You have no fucking idea. You're just coming up with your theories.

The nerve of you to get to cover a fucking time magazine with this horseshit. Just a bunch of horseshit. They got one over there. Listen to this shit. The turning points. This is from another lady. They had two people write about this shit. Elaine, I can't even read her fucking last name. Ceolino, whatever. France is having its Anita Hill moment.

When the law professor testified before the senate committee in 1991 that a former boss, Clarence Thomas, had sexually harassed her, he denied everything and was elevated to the supreme court. Notice how the fucking angry cunt leaves out the fact that he was acquitted. The guy was acquitted. She makes it seem like he was accused of that stuff, and because of that, because of that attention, he was elevated to the supreme court.

But anyways, hearings were a turning point, but hearings were a turning point. Women suddenly said that the madmen's style of behavior they had been putting up with at work for so long, the leering, the inappropriate touching, the sexual banter, was not acceptable. Do you understand that she's not talking about the 1960s there? She's talking about 1991. I'm not saying that that shit wasn't happening, but you know, I was in the workforce there, all right?

People weren't walking around going, hey, toots grabbing people's asses at work in 1989, 1990, 1991. They weren't, I mean, generally speaking, weren't. But this lady just fucking goes, the madmen's style, which is from the 1960s, Madison Avenue. Hey, sweetie, go make me a fucking sandwich, that era. Completely ignoring all the bullshit that happened in the late 60s, 70s, right through the fucking 80s.

In the 80s, they were talking about women wearing their fucking little power suits and power ties and all that fucking horseshit. This is all just one of these classic things where you just, you just, you have your angle and then you just, you just write the whole fucking articles, complete horseshit. What the hell is that quote in here I wanted to read? I don't even know. All right, let me tell you something, Nancy.

Let me tell you something, Elaine. Those guys don't do that shit because they feel entitled. They don't. All right? They don't. And if you want to know why, come out to a comedy club because I'm not burning the fucking material. I'll talk about it a little bit.

I'll talk about it real quick, all right? What it is, is women don't understand what it's like to have a dick. They just don't get it. Okay? The fucking thing tells us what to do. You know? And right now, they're rolling their eyes

because they don't understand the sex drive that we have. How could they? They got a veg. All right? And the thing is, there's no information out there to help people, to help guys out. Nothing. All guys, there's no information about being a guy in general.

Hey, keep it in your pants. That's the sexual advice we get. That's what we get. Fucking, you got Cosmo. There's reams of shit talking about all the folds in your vagina every goddamn month. We get, hey, keep it in your pants. That's the kind of advice guys get.

You go to jail. Hey, don't drop the soap. That's it. That's all you get. We get little fucking four sentences and that's how we're supposed to fucking navigate through life. So, you're born with a dick. You got this ridiculous fucking sex drive.

The only thing that fucking keeps it in check is the fact that women won't fuck you. You got to figure out, you got to talk them into it. You go through dry spells. That's the only thing that prevents a guy from fucking 24 hours a day is other women making it difficult for us to get laid. But then what happens is when you become in a position of power, these cunts flip the fucking table

and will suck your dick under your fucking goddamn desk while your wife sits across from you. So now the governor is taken off. You've never had to control your sexual urges because it was always done for you. You're like a spoiled kid. Now you're fucking famous. You got all these broads coming at you.

You don't know what to do. Because you never really notice how much you've been being let around by your dick. Now I'm not saying every powerful guy out there is an angel. There's not. There's definitely some pigs out there. There's definitely some guys out there who do feel entitled. But you just paint it with that broad fucking stroke of a brush

and have a fucking woman sitting there telling me, you don't know what you're talking about, lady. All right? It just fucking blows my mind. It blows my fucking mind that they put two people on this assignment and they were both women. Was that some political correct fucking thing

because they were worried that guys were going to say what the fuck I'm saying? That basically their husbands would be out fucking everything that moved if women wanted to fuck the way we wanted to. I don't know. And not to mention, most people can't handle power and that includes broads. Okay?

So you get some guy in a powerful position and he goes already going to go through the fucking roof. And then you combine that with the fact that basically half of the free world will now fuck him and he's supposed to somehow reign that in and his only piece of advice is keep it in your pants. You know? I mean, I don't know.

It's really embarrassing that Time Magazine went this fucking superficial. That they just basically... I mean, it was like Psych 101. How they broke it down. Even their shit on Arnold Schwarzenegger about how he likes fucking around with girls that aren't beautiful. You know?

They said it was because he was intimidated by beautiful women and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. See, they're women. They don't get the difference between hooking up with the hottie and hooking up with the plain Jane girl who's going to try harder. Okay? As opposed to the fucking chick who's got 0% body fat

and just thinks she's God's goddamn gift. You've seen that, right? You go to a titty bar, the hottest one there. Does she try as hard as that fucking one in the middle? She doesn't. And after a while, you know what? You start looking at those hotties going, you know what?

They're fucking more trouble than they're worth. All right? I want my dick sucked to completion. Who am I going with? The supermodel looking chick? Or the chick who's just happy to be there? Fucking morons. I don't know.

All right, so I'm how I made an hour. Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. What are we doing here? You guys want to hear that I did my dates last week, right? Did I have those up there? What do I got?

You know what? I'm actually, I got a couple of weeks off here. I got a couple of weeks off here, and I'm not doing goddamn shit. I'm not going to them. I'm not going to the airport. I'm not doing shit. My fucking nose is running.

I usually end up doing another rant here, but I got nothing. All right, guys, you got to help me out here. I'm drinking goddamn day quit. What do you want from me? Well, we'd like another 10 minutes. Well, go fuck yourselves. It's not happening, all right?

This has been the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, May 23rd, 2011, I hope you guys enjoyed it. I like to think it was a decent one. A little bit raspy. Fuck. You know something? Did I buy the wrong tissues?

My nose is going to be all fucking raw. It's going to be redder than my goddamn beard. Anyways, hopefully coming up soon, I will have the schedule for when my episodes of Glee are going to air. So sharpen your fucking fingers, because I know I'm going to get trashed for those, but they're coming up.

And that's it. That's the podcast for this week. God bless all of you. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Thank you. Warm Things Up This Spring with a trip to Cirrillas, where romance finds fantasy.

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