Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-24

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

Bill rambles with Fahim Anwar about Boeing, Seattle, and Rambo III. (00:00)- Thursday Afternoon Podcast  (57:18) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Mitch Murder - Shores of Orion Fahim Anwar - House Money  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbQczAcZb_0

Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Yes I am look at me I wore my little my little black t-shirt for you. You know I've just decided to become a minimalist you guys and I'm just in a life coach. It's my next thing that I'm this the next layer of the onion that I'm peeling back. No, I have a special guest, that's why this is being filmed. He has a new special coming out called House Money. His name is Fahib Anwar. Guy's one of the funniest fucks out there right now.

He's making a lot of older fellas like me nervous. He doesn't know it yet, but there's a conservative effort to stop his meteoric rise to the top of the stand-up. No, seriously, you're one of the best out there. I like 22 years meteoric rise. You've been doing it 22 years? You still got hair like that, you son of a bitch? I started when I was 18, but like, yeah. Just the fact that you like will text me stuff. We have a real weird relationship.

Like the fact that you like me, you kind of give love like a middle Eastern dad. Like you don't, like I'll hear rumblings of it, but I don't believe it, you know? Well, all right, well I'll work harder on that. No, no, no, no, just like. Jesus Christ, you know, you fucking had some kid on here. No, no, but like. You're 40?

I'm 40, dude. Yeah, I just turned 40. That's fucking, that's impressive. You got the Mediterranean skid there. Or is it the Middle Eastern? Whatever you got. The sun is easy on you. Yeah, Afghan, Afghan is the skin.

You're Afghanistan-y? Afghan, Afghan, yeah. Afghan, is that what he said? Yeah. That's, you know, that's a blanket. It is, it's also a dog. All right, well is that from your country? I don't know, I don't know that one.

I should know more Afghan stuff. So who are you rooting for after 9-11? Oh, you're kidding. I'm kidding. Anyway, tell me about this special, it's called House Money, and people were assuming What? Yeah? That this is because you put your own money

Oh, that's the same That's the same Was it run through Saudi Arabia? Yeah, yeah, yeah A lot of Saudi-backed And into Israel? Is that what happened? Saudi-backed money?

And why we shot it in Nashville The whole yin and yang Oh, where did you shoot in Nashville? Zanies Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah, yeah I kind of messed up, I was talking to Ari Sch? Zanies. Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of messed up. I was talking to Arshad here about it.

With Brian Dorsman, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when I toured, I did all my great cities, all my great markets, and I'm like, oh, I gotta shoot this thing. But I didn't want to hit the same city twice. So I was like, where should I shoot? And then my people were like,

oh, Nashville's a pretty good market. But I had never done it before, so I was kind of scared to play a market for the first time and then shoot it too. Because you don't know how the- But I feel like the special is better if you perform it to people that aren't you. Like, if it's too much, look, you don't want to be like,

you know, like a complete 180 and they hate you before you get to the stage. But there should be a little pushback against everything you're saying or else it just becomes like this fucking applause. I hate those specials. Like a pep assembly or something. Yeah, it was just like, I mean,

what's going on in the country, man, right? Ah, everybody's just like, just, you know, like one of those shows that women watch around 4 p.m. You know those shows? Like, you know when there's like an audience and everybody's just fucking being positive. Like the view or?

Yeah, talking about food and this new dish that you can make, like I feel like, like stand up, there has to be a little bit of a, that doesn't have to be, you can be totally totally silly whatever but I love that push and pull I like that Yeah, yeah, like just sort of No, but you don't do it in like literally going like this You just what I always do I just act like an idiot like so if I went to Nashville I would just talk to all of them like they were farmers

I mean, I can't play into the trail. I put in your sense. So you're out there, you know, see we, you know, you're out here trying to get your pigs back in the barn and they just, you know, and they're fucking dressed like you. I know they're working on an app or something. But I just sit there and I act like, you know, that's what I do. I mean, you guys, I mean, I know it's hard.

You guys, where I'm from, like all the streets are paved. Right, right. Even the side streets and I know you guys out here. Yeah, he's got electricity. how's that going for you? Yeah, a lot of you guys don't even have shoes. And then they, through doing that, you're kind of showing that you do know something about him by being that fucking stupid or whatever,

and also you're kind of making fun of, I feel like some of these idiots on these award shows out here, the way that they talk down to these states, and half of them are just like, where are you from? You're from a flyover state. And then you're gonna come out here and act like you're not from there anymore.

Oh, I know, yeah. How do you choose where to shoot a special? Like, how do you do it? It's a combination of the venue and then like the crowd. So my next one I think I'm gonna be doing in Seattle. Oh, I'm from there, wow. All right, so I'm doing it to Moore Theater. So you know, you guys got like

disgustingly liberal people there. And then you have like meathead lumberjacks right outside the city. So then they come in and they balance each other out. And then I just say shit to piss both of them off and just wait for their reactions. And then it becomes. You just light a fuse pretty much

and then let them fight when you leave? No, you go Colombo. You act like you don't realize you're doing it and then somebody, like, eventually takes the bait or it's just a great crowd and they're laughing because they know that you're doing it and then it's sort of a way to, like, okay, these people are cool, they can laugh at, like, you know, I don't know, my whole thing is, like, I don't have any answers, I have a few but at like, you know, I don't know. My whole thing is like, I don't have any answers. I have a few, but like, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So if I can meet other people that can be like,

all right, I lean to the right, I lean to the left, but I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, I'm just making a guess. Like, those people are, you know, I like being around that type of thing as opposed to like, you know, some of the twats. Now some of the like, the people on both sides that are just like, I don't know,

they get so patriotic. I don't know what it is. They get so patriotic, they join like a racist group or they get so patriotic that they're on the left and they're like literally like like backing censorship. Like I always thought it was funny like how we went from like, hey, maybe we should get rapists out of this business to like, I don't like what you're talking about in your stand-up act.

It was just like, well, the fuck, wait, wait, how did we get here? Crazy, like my special that I put out, it got hit with limited ads. Like it was totally fine. I did all the things you're supposed to do. There was a guy at YouTube who's like, he's like a liaison between stand-ups who are putting out YouTube specials I was doing all the things are supposed to Ari Shafir was helping me out because he did it on his own too and did YouTube Now how did Ari get around that because those fucking guys, you know how that works at YouTube is basically You know, they'll sell advertisement on it. But if it gets flagged

Yes, so I'm if he gets flagged, if it gets flagged, this thing, and I said, okay, so if it gets flagged, so the advertisement doesn't run, and they go, no, it still runs, I go, who gets the money? YouTube keeps it. So what's to stop them from just going around flagging a bunch of fucking content

and taking the money? Yeah. Every single one of your podcasts is limited monetization. Yeah, mine got hit with limited ads. And the limited is just me. It's not them. So they basically steal from me every fucking week.

All of these guys, this whole fucking, when I love this world too, where they're talking about these guys, these tech bros, like they're these frat guys with their hats turned around backwards. These are fucking nerds, and they're lying, thieving pieces of shit. That's what the fuck they are,

and nobody's going after them because they got all of this fucking, all these idiots out there who like, you know, if we get a bunch of Republicans and we get a bunch of Democrats in there, it's like, you're not, you're not. Look at the Senate, look, and look at the Congress, how fucking corrupt those people are.

How much money they make a year versus what their portfolios are worth. And if you're literally gonna keep going, thank you Joe Biden, or you can blame Trump for that, I mean you're a fucking moron. The president is basically standing at the kiosk telling you that your flight is canceled and then you're like, you motherfucker fuck, you know, the flight would have gone if you had a different colored tie. It's like, it's a little deeper than that. So sorry. So that's where color tie. It's like, it's a little deeper than that. So, sorry.

So that's where I am. So I like, my thing right now is I am trying to like, I'm trying to get people like to be, like if we keep going at each other, all right? Like if I came at you and said, you Afghani so and so, I don't trust you, even though you're dressed like Jay Leno, right? Yeah, come on, come on Bill. What kind of car are you driving today?

No, I gotta look at people like, you know, wherever they sit, I look at them like they are dealing with what I'm dealing with right now, which is a select few group of people up on the corporate structure that are shrinking everything and they're keeping all the money and that's why people are living under bridges. Yeah, but it's easy just to point. I figured it all out. You figured it out. Without reading anything. Yeah, all I want is my special that they might not be hit

with limited ads but I'm screwed. That's not gonna happen. Once they hit you with the stink you can't get it off and so your reach is suppressed and stuff. Why? What? No, what? I said a word, I said a word. What did you say? I don't want that word to influence this, but it rhymes with baguette. It rhymes with baguette. What would that be? Snack, snaguette.

It starts with a F. Oh. Yeah. But here's the context of it. So I was told it would be okay, because it's in the context of the Stand Up Special. Here's the contest, God hates the queers. And I say, you know, I get, I get. That's my famous joke, the God hates the queers joke. No. And then Ari, I was like, can I say that in this? I'm worried about it. He's

like, oh no, no, you can say that. Like, I say it in my special, like I scream. Ari is always a good person to go to. I know, in hindsight I'm like, I'm taking advice from this guy. Oh, you know, absolutely. But he's a sweetheart, people don't know that he's a real sweetheart and stuff. No, he's a lovely man. Yeah, so he was kind of holding my hand through the whole YouTube self-release process and I thought I did all the things and you... Ari Shaffir is a man of the people. He is a man of the people.

He is. He is a man of the people. And you upload the special 10 days prior to your premiere, it goes through all its checks, YouTube, it said it was all good, no limited ads, and then a few hours after it, then it gets dinged and you're like, ugh. Because I did Rogan and you can see the hockey stick on the growth because that's how I do it. I timed to put the... I timed out... They used to flag all his stuff too, right? Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Taking all his money.

Oh. When they announced that he was going to leave, they were like, well, we gotta make some money, and then they just started cooking. Yeah, he was saying that when Joe said, fuck this, I'm leaving YouTube, then they unflagged all of his stuff to get more. Oh, wow. Yeah, no, it's just that they're selective, huh? They are straight up fucking criminals,

but it's white collar crime, and you forget about you don't go to jail, they don't even investigate it. Like through, since about started a little more than 40 years ago, these corporate people, they, whatever watchdog groups that they had in the government, they infiltrated them. They put their own people in there.

Then they had the lobbyists going, and then they were paying off these things. So now nobody is watching them. Like I don't think this country is nearly as bad as everybody is saying it is if you could just get those people under control. Because I have no problem with people controlling me, telling me what to do, telling me what the laws are, but I don't like seeing a sizable portion of my countrymen living under bridges, being blamed for living under these fucking bridges.

I think that's kind of like the classic abuser, where after their abuse leaves you fucking under a cardboard box, they call you lazy or you're not fucking doing anything. And then there's amazing thing going on in this country. People living under bridges and then simultaneously watching these real estate videos of these impossible properties. Look at all this fucking front door.

They flew this all the way in from Madagascar and it's like bigger than the house you grew up in, just the front door. This thing has an infinity pool that leads to an infinity pool, right? And it's just like you fucking take enough people's salaries for your bonus, you get a house like that and people, eventually the other end, they end up underneath a fucking bridge. Bridge. Oh, I went to the game, you know, from Seattle, so it was UW Michigan. And we were walking around the city in Houston and you walk under the-

Who's UW? University of Washington. Oh, all right. We got panics, man. Relax. Okay, all right. We got some first of Washington. Oh, all right. We got PENIX, man. Relax. Okay, all right. We got some first draft guys. UW, all right. Oh, W. Yeah, UW.

And so we're walking under the bridge and then they're piping classical music under the overpass, because I guess that's supposed to be like a homeless deterrent, that like they hear classical music and they're like, oh, let's get out of here. Or are they trying to calm them? I mean, I did a joke where I'm like, what if you have a refined homeless person now? Where they're like, Clarence passed the fentanyl. Now they're all hoity-toity, they're drinking tea and shit. Or they start going clockwork orange

because they use that. But it's just so preposterous. They walk around with these long fucking noses. Like that's the solution is just piping classical music. Don't you wish that you could be in a meeting like that when that decision is made? Or like spikes on a bus bench, you know what I mean? There's all these kind of, not a solution to the problem, just a late stage solution. It's hiding it. Let's just make it go away, get it out of our territory.

That's a solution for pigeons. You know what I mean? Spikes on shit. I know and it didn't work with pigeons. It didn't work, it's not working with homeless people either. Yeah, if we could just get the homeless and the pigeons out of this country.

Just imagine, there'd be plenty of money for everybody. Yeah, that's when you like couch something in another bill. It's at the pigeon's homeless bill and then it gets passed. That's another thing that I don't understand is why they're allowed to attach all this. You should just be voting on what you're voting on because then what happens is a politician to have some empathy for them. It's like this guy voted against free ice cream for toddlers on Wednesday and it's like

because this fucking Nazi shit was attached to it and they don't have that. It's yeah, it's horribly corrupt. That's why I don't watch the news anymore and I just try to be nice to people and I try to have like a good interaction. I don't know what to fucking, it's certainly not gonna get solved by politicians. It's not gonna be solved by corporations with their fucking, you know, this is fancy free Fridays

and you get to wear your regular clothes. It's not gonna be solved by them. We kinda have to do it ourselves. It would be nice. It would be nice. I worked at a place where, well yeah, and then St. Louis, Boeing Aerospace, yeah. Before all this stuff. Oh, and didn't they have any like whack, they've like whacked people. I know two of them. I worked at a place where you well yeah, but I and then say all we bowing aerospace

Yeah before I didn't have any like whack. They've like whack no people and it's not even a story however Yeah, your special gets dinged. Yeah, what's that about? Is bowling did any of their shit get dinged are they not getting full or do they have minimal advertising on their websites? Yeah, I don't know how. Is screws are falling off the plane as they take off or whatever they're suggesting? They're like, we listen to your complaints and we're not killing whistleblowers anymore. This is the new Boeing.

That's the new commercial, the new Boeing. They hire a new guy. This isn't your father's Boeing. Uh-huh. Our plane's staying in the sky. Yeah, I was there before all this stuff. No more dead bodies, just people that can keep

their mouths shut. But it's just funny. I wanna get on a Boeing airplane that says Omerta on the side of it. What is Omerta? Omerta was the oath you took of silence in the mob, that if you get pinched, you're not gonna give anybody's name.

What brought them down, I was watching this thing, what brought them down was the phone tapping. And then they really got them and then all of these guys, I don't know what happened, they started to get them to start rolling over on each other. It was sort of like in the mafia, it was like when they went from giant shoulder pads to the smaller ones in football. It was like when they went from giant shoulder pads to like the smaller ones in football

It was like it's completely different errors Where people were just like hey, you know back in the day that you'd get caught and they would just be like look You do what you do. I do what I do if you catch me good You know, I'm not saying shit to you and that's when you just would take your sentence allegedly This is what happened. But then once they started tapping their phone numbers, their phones, I'm sorry, their home phones, they got them like dead to rights on it and they came up with those, was it those RICO laws that brought it down?

Yeah, the racketeering and all that. Is that how Giuliani got big? That was his claim to fame? Yeah, and what they did was they took out the mob and then they took all of their scams for themselves. Like the numbers. And then they applied it to limited ass. The numbers the mob took from black community,

then they took it and then the states took it as fucking the lottery. Now they're into gambling. Used to get shut down for gambling. Now gambling is all right. The sports leagues are into that. That player just got kicked out of the league for like, how short sighted was that?

You know what I'm talking about? He was gambling on a few games, an NBA player, and now he's banned from the league, obviously. I know, because they don't care if you gamble and ruin your life, you're not gonna, what it really is watching sports leagues getting involved with legalized gambling, it's that corporate mentality

where you just can't have enough money. Like say what they did to the food supply. So it's like I'm not going to a grocery store, I'm gonna go to a farmer's market. And then they fucking infiltrate that because it's just God for fucking bid. God for fucking bid, you know, you don't get your cut of a Purdue chicken,

you know, or whatever. Like they're just fucking maniacs. So I think that sports leagues have always looked with jealousy at Vegas and stuff like that, that this is another pot, hey, they're gambling on our leagues, shouldn't we get a fucking taste of that? It's really, like, I don't know, it's a shameless thing, but it's always been shameless.

I mean, they made money off of booze, you know? I mean, that was ruining people's lives. You know, it's a shameless thing, but it's always been shameless. I mean, they made money off of booze, you know? I mean, that was ruining people's lives. You know, it's all how you do it. If you gamble with what you can afford or whatever, but I don't know. I will say as a Patriots fan, just watching that whole fiasco with the Dodgers and watch that come and go as fast as it did,

I'm just going, and what the fuck did we get accused of? How much money did 17 million dollars? How does that happen? How does your interpreter get your banking information? I? Mean all right that all fucking checks out play ball. It's just like All right, I yeah, okay. Do you think if he wasn't as big of a player 100%? 100% he would be out of the fucking league because that's perfect. He would be a perfect person to make it look like they were actually policing this thing.

You're not going to kick out Asian Babe Ruth. You're not doing that. The international money that that guy is bringing in. And then for even some fucking guy like me, who for years made fun of Babe Ruth, going like, dude, he played in an all white league, he won a Cy Young and the home run thing, it was a fucking beer league,

and then to see a guy 100 years later doing it, it's like, all right, gives me a new perspective on Babe. So seeing it now, you're like, maybe that was possible back then. Well, I always thought Babe could play in any era, but I'm just saying, I mean, come on, I mean, what are we doing here? He's also the only player that ever had a ballpark built to his

fucking specifications if you see the original house that Ruth built the fucking right field wall was like a like a fucking two and a half foot chain-link fence that if you backed up you would have felt to catch a fly ball you would have fell over it. But whatever, you know. You see the roast? What'd you think of that? I don't watch roasts. Oh yeah?

I don't watch specials, I don't watch any of that shit. I watch sports. As you can tell, the way I broke down the mafia was shoulder pads, the NFL, that's like my only reference. And people are like, wow man, he's tying shit together. It's like, no, I just steer it all into the only thing that I kinda know about. You haven't talked at all because I've had a second fucking coffee I apologize no not at all

man so tell us about I take your lead bro tell us about starting at the funny bone in Afghanistan you know it's hard to get stage time um no I started in Seattle um yeah communist city sure yeah you know let's see do you know Afghanistan's not a, yeah. Communist city, sure. Yeah, you know. Let's see, do you know? Afghanistan's not a communist country, but it just goes good with the rhetoric. I feel like it's Taliban run right now, yeah. People are always like, do you go back? Well, first of all, I've never been there.

Right. But they go, have you gone? And I'm like, it's never a good time to go. Like, I'm not gonna get a summer home in Kabul or something, you know? I think the rates are probably pretty good. Probably great rates. Yeah, but the rates aren't what's you know

He's funny brought some woman over there and just listen I'm gonna be a dick for a week Just you just got a row with it so you don't get killed She's got to wrap herself up. You just like you got it man feet ten feet behind Yeah, I Was always thinking like the burka is an over engineered solution. You know because like women always complain about catcalling and all that stuff and you go well the burka is a solution. I love the burka. It's not the best solution. I love it. Have them pay for their own drinks. Have it now, let's see what you got now. Let's see an interesting conversation. I think they should even have to wear fucking the god the glasses. He can't even see their eyes

Well wear the glasses over it. Yeah, and then it's like if you're you impress me with your conversation I'm just keeping with the massage sure sure sure you won't press me then I go Okay, you've earned the right to take off your sunglasses If I don't like your eyes put him back on and take a hike. That's the America. I remember If I don't like your eyes, put them back on and take a hike. That's the America I remember. No. Did you ever do Comedy Underground in Seattle? I was going to ask you.

I worked with that guy Terry. Oh, that's Giggles. Yeah, where he used to. He did everything. He would be the waiter. He would be the bartender. He would be. He would trash up and coming comics.

Yeah, dude. Oh, yeah, he was literally in front of me. He'd be like, this guy's not going to make it. He would say that. the bartender he would be he would trash up-and-coming comics yeah dude oh yeah he was like this guy's not gonna make it he would say that's so funny there was this thing called the giggles laugh-off and I was I was a guy I was performing at this other place called laughs so he kind of had animosity if you weren't a laugh a giggles guy mm-hmm so he had his guy that he thought he's gonna win and then I ended up winning the Giggles laugh-off and you're supposed to get Sonics tickets. And then he gave them away.

I'm like, hey, can I have my Sonics tickets? And he's like, I gave them away to so-and-so. And I'm like, oh, okay. So he would just do shit like that. He's deceased now. It's sad. He died? He died, yeah.

Like with all his... Well, how did he die? Heart attack's like it's he died. He died. Yeah like with all his why did he die heart attack, I forget how he died, but he had his things his quirks, but I still respect the guy for giving me stage time and I cut my teeth there Are you just saying that he's dead? Or did you really know even when he was alive, but I still love that he gave them my Sonic's tickets away He tried to pay me you remember what baseballs used to come in a big box and they would have the pictures of the baseball on them, you get like 10 or 12 and one in a box? Yeah, at the end of the weekend,

he had a box full of cash and it was fives, ones, twenties, tens, all fucking mushed up, saying that's your money. I go, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I'm supposed to walk through the airport with that? I go, go write me a check. And if it doesn't clear, my agent's gonna talk to you. He goes, oh no, I do, I do, I do.

I go, yeah, I know, you're not paying taxes. I do, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this, all right? What the fuck are we doing here? I remember just supposed to come walking through. Give me a sawed-off shotgun while you're at it. I'm sure I won't get flagged at the airport. But I love the club and I love the room.

And I thought he was funny. And I thought he was trashing all of these comics. And I would then, which I would just trash him. I'd go, no, listen to this guy, look at him. Look how old he is and look where he is. This is what he's gotta do. Get nowhere, Terry. And he would laugh.

He had a sense of humor about it if he did it. He would do comedy sometimes before the show. He would do like five minutes up top. A lot of these club owners sometimes they do a little. Vinnie Brand. I don't know Vinnie Brand. Oh Vinnie Brand used to do the prank phone call because he was doing his club every weekend.

He couldn't write material fast enough. So he would have everybody pass these things and he would do like a prank phone call which would just encourage people from the audience to start screaming at the stage. And we used to talk, oh no, no, this is fine. It's like, no dude, it's like, this is not a good idea. But I got to respect him, Vinny, you stayed with that dumb idea.

You did, that's part of your brand now. I remember Patrice used to just be like, he used to talk to him every time he went out there, he talked to him for an hour. Vinny, stop doing it. It ruins the fucking show. What it was is he didn't want to pay another comedian. That's what it was. He was saving fucking money.

He was going Terry on that. We had East Coast Terrys too. Well yeah. Yeah, he made so much money. No, I get along with Vinny. He's one of my favorite people. We get into it all the time. Because he likes to act like he's broke. I'm not making made so much money. No, I get along with Vinny. He's one of my favorite people. We get into it all the time. Cause he likes to act like he's broke.

I don't know, I'm making a lot of money. It's like, dude, I've seen your house. You literally took me out in a boat. It was always cool when guys like you and I remember Louis would come through Comedy Underground, Tosh early on, Birbiglia, Gaffigan taped a special there, like an audio special. So it was kind of like glimpses of like

where you want to be, these guys passing through. No, but those, and those rooms were like, everybody used to talk about where a great town, Seattle was to do comedy in, because you would get out there. It was funny, my idea of Portland was weird, because I used to work that place, Harveys. Harveys, oh, okay.

Yeah, that guy Barry, did he die too? I don't know, but I would hear about Harveys from Seattle, but I never played. Well he used to just paper the room. So I never really got Portland people, it was just more like tables of people that all knew each other. So you would go there and just Tuesday,

Tuesday through Sunday, it was two Friday, three Saturday, and it would just be fucking packed with a bunch of people that felt they were playing with house money, and they would just get fucking loaded. And from Tuesday on, you were just up there with a whip and a chair, it was just everybody knew each other.

Like, oh, that's like Mikey, yeah, fucking, just doing that, I was just like, oh my God. And then you'd go up there and then they would, there was like one of those clubs they were counting the amount of times you said fuck. Oh. You know, try not to say, you know. Well, when they pay for it.

Fuck too much, it's like, well, dude, try not to over serve people. There's an over serve to fuck ratio here that you're not, you know. Yeah, no, yeah, that guy was funny. He used to bring you around town like his girlfriend. He'd bring you, this is my headliner for the week, and he would sit there and talk about his house

in Palm Desert. I had this house out in Palm Desert. He'd sit there all week talking about how much money he was making as he wasn't paying you shit. I'm just like, you really don't have, you don't really have any filters, do you, buddy? When was that shift when you were just playing papered rooms and stuff like that,

to when people were coming for you? Cause that's a different experience. I did a half hour on HBO and I started sitting in for Jim Norton cause he was doing Louis' show on HBO and I was on the ONA show. So it was like, it was always like, by the time I got somewhere in this business, by 2005 it was already becoming,

you know, you have to have this and this. It used to be like, dude, if you get on, you know, the myth was if you get on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and you killed on that, then all of a sudden you were like selling out and blah, blah, blah, blah. But then I heard guys that actually did the show said, no, you had to do it a lot of times, you know,

before you really saw like the bumps. So I don't know, but I will say the one show that was like that was Def Comedy Jam. If you went out, Def Comedy Jam, I talked to some of the guys that did that show, I said, man, if you went out there and you had a fucking set, like it was, it was, you know, it was a thing

because that was the only show for black comics, so everybody was watching it. So when they killed, everyone would come out, I talked to a couple of those guys, I was like, dude, right after I did that, my set aired, Wednesday night, I had a line around the block, who are those people waiting for? I was like, dude, they're waiting for you,

and you're like, oh fuck, it was like, sort of like that overnight thing. So by the time I got to starting to try and sell tickets, it was like I had to get on one of the biggest radio shows out there, I had to get on HBO, I had my own podcast, my own touring, I had like three or four, there was one other thing in there. Oh, and then that got me like clubs initially. The HBO and the ONA thing got me ONA markets

and then some, the HBO thing got me kind of West Coast stuff like Seattle I started doing all right, San Francisco I did all right. But in the middle of the country and the south, I wasn't doing well. And then I did the, yeah, I did the HPL thing and then I went over to Netflix and then that, I think it was that, no, HPL was a half hour. No, then I did, why do I do this? And one of the few good decisions I made in this business is I saw Netflix for what it was gonna be,

where I was just like, oh, they're going to all these countries, I can become an international. And I wanted to start doing that, so it was probably that. And then getting on Netflix and then putting it out, and there was like no competition, dude. When I got on that in 2008, I remember I used to hang out with this other comic when they were really early on

and we used to watch the specials they had in like 2006 or seven, they were fucking horrible. Oh, on Netflix you mean? Oh yeah, the shit that was on them, we used to just watch them to just laugh going like, who the fuck is this person? Oh my God, this is, and very rapidly, you know how quickly that company grew,

but I got on early, so that was what got me sort of the middle of the country. And I think the South, I had to do like two or three specials before I finally got the South. And then, yeah, it just sort of, like, yeah, it just sort of slowly went like that. So I kind of like, but what I do like about how it worked out for me is I did have to touch

all the bases, you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't know if you know, but this business isn't looking for a bald ginger. So there wasn't like this. But also- There he is. Like you're kind of my North Star,

like you're one of my top guys. I don't know how you're a compliment to stuff. Nah, you are man. Because of, you know, like you say, like no one's looking for a bald ginger and stuff and you just being really, really good, methodical, touching all the bases and just chopping wood like that. Like I have a similar thing where I think some of these people think like, oh, you're a diversity, they're always looking for that, but I don't really talk about being Afghan

or Muslim or it's not my, I talk about everything, I'm very observational and like they don't want that. That's why I like Tony Chang. They don't want Chang. I love Ronnie, Ronnie's great, yeah. That was the thing that I loved about Ronnie Chang was when I saw him on a, I just saw a clip of him, I was on a plane, and this Asian dude, he had an accent, so I knew he spoke another language, right? And English was his second language or whatever,

and he was just talking about his life. And instead of him just being up there, so I'm Asian, and I'm Asian, and I'm Asian, and white people do this, and Asians do that, he was just up there talking about his life. He was being Ronnie, and I was like, I fucking love this guy, and he was based in Australia, and I did this run of dates out there.

I had him come on, you know, he was, he's a very respectful, very nice kid, and it was just like, I remember we ended that tour, I said, dude, just keep doing what you're doing, you gotta do that, like a week later, he's on the fucking Daily Show, and went right by me in this business, I was just like, Jesus Christ, and I remember saying to my wife, I go,

huh, did I fucking? You called it. Yeah, I was right, there's a few people that I've seen, like you were one of those guys, I'm like, this I fucking? You called it. Yeah, I was right. There's a few people that I've seen, like you were one of those guys, I'm like, this guy's gonna fucking crush it. I remember seeing, I saw John Mulaney, he middled for me in, where the hell was it?

It was at Zany's downtown, downtown Chicago, one looks like a big walk-in closet, it's a fucking great room. And I have never seen anybody, like he was on stage as like, he was new. And he already looked like he had been hosting a talk show. Like he was, I never saw a guy like, I was like, this guy is like.

Fully formed. Fully formed was, I mean, obviously he's gotten funny but the level of fucking polished and funny it was like it was just like you would have to be like there was no there wasn't even a manager dumb enough to realize that this guy wasn't gonna make it was like he was just yeah I was looking at him going like why isn't this guy headlining He has more fucking charisma and poise than I do. Fortune, Femster was another one. Was another one that I saw.

I was just going like, she, Steph Tollive. And just, you just tell me once in a while, you just see somebody and you're like, like that is a no brainer. Gerard Carmichael was another one where you're like, all right, this guy's gonna fucking blow up. I don't know, but I like seeing that though. I'm not one of those people,

because when I started out, it was the 80s dip, you know, the party was over, so if you worked with a bitter headliner, they would try and fucking discourage you like, oh man, I'm telling you, if I was you I'd get out now. It's a horror movie. Yeah, it was funny, I was like a 23 year old kid and I had no idea how to block that out. I was just like, really? Oh, is that what I should do? There's still time to get out? Yeah. There's this quote, you know, I've heard you say

when Chappelle gave you some advice or whatever, it's gonna be longer for you. Yep. What was the specific thing? He looked at my hairline, he's just like, hey, it's not gonna happen. No. No, he was just sitting on the stairs waiting to go on

and he listened, he heard my set and what I was doing and whatever he heard he really liked, he said your angle is, he's like, I remember he's like, man it's so fucking dope. He goes, well I'm gonna tell you, it's gonna take you longer to get there but when you get there you're gonna hit hard and dude believe me, I fucking held onto that

for like years when I would be like going, like you know, laying in a fucking comedy condo Tuesday through Sunday, two Friday, three Saturday, 1500 all-inclusive minus taxes. I think I made 300 bucks. I used to make 300 bucks unloading trucks fucking 20 years ago. Like what am I doing?

I'm sleeping on a futon. What the fuck am I doing here? I would just, Dave Spell thinks I'm funny. Dave thinks I'm funny, blah, I'm funny, blah blah blah blah blah. And then certain people would come up to you and they would just say something, I've been coming to this comedy club for a long time, you're the funniest guy,

you keep, something's gonna happen for you. And those people had no idea what that means to a comedian to hear that, because it is a fucking grind. And if you're simultaneously and you're out there, dude, oh man, I worked with some people like, do you ever work with the fucking guy that's semi-living in his car? And they would have like that coat rack in the back seat with all of their fucking clothes. And then they would try to say, oh, it's great, man.

I just, all I got to worry about is Monday, Tuesday, and then, or Monday night. A lot of times, you know, the comedy club, they're cleaning the comedy condo and if I just vacate, they're cool with me staying there. And then, you know, I just do like a 15 hour drive to Salt Lake City and then, you know, just. I don't even have a house.

I just have somebody that collects, like, my, I don't have an address. They were like, back when you could not have an address, they would have a PO box, and I just remember, I would be listening to these guys, and those were the guys where it was like, that was more like past the Midwest, and you got to the Northern,

those guys that would, I forget who the guy was, would book these runs, but they were like, you'd get off stage and get in your car and have to start driving to make the next one because your gigs were in like Montana into like North Dakota, South Dakota. Those guys, like there's a run of fucking dates up there that like you could have like,

that show could have gone on right after Ice Road Truckers and would have totally done fine. I remember like listening, I, there's a buddy of mine from Boston did some of those gigs and I was just, just sitting there listening to them and it was, it put a lot of things into perspective. When I was sitting there, you know,

having to drive all the way up to the top of New York or fucking Vermont or something and bitching about that. It's like, these guys are driving twice that to go play a bar. And I was like, yeah, those. How long was it from when you got that little pep talk from Chappelle to like when you started noticing like, oh shit, it's coming true or like he was right?

Everything in my life was, everything in my business was always incremental. It was like, you know, probably three years after. Well, I got on his show. Oh yeah. Did a few of those things. And then I did the tour with rest of soul Charlie Murphy and Don L. Rawlings, and even then people looking at me like, you know, do you write on the show?

Are you from Des Moines? They just thought I was some local white guy that they threw up there, or they just assumed that I was the writer on the show, and I was like, no, I'm in Sketch is the U.N. And they would always go, the mad real world? Were you that guy? I said, no, that was Christian Finnegan. That wasn't me. That was the other white guy.

I did a Montreal Comedy Festival, got a deal, didn't go anywhere. But off the deal, I was able to buy an apartment. So that was my first sort of like, you know, still had the futon, but I had my priority straight. I was like, you gotta get an apartment. Gives a fuck what you're sleeping on. And then ONA, HBO, and then Why Do I Do This?

And the Netflix thing. So I would say probably around 2008 or nine I started and I started in 92. So it was like 17 years. And then since then it's been this slow kind of thing. Yeah, a little acting thing in this, a little acting thing in that. It's pretty great.

Like your career is a great, I love the way you little acting thing in that. It's pretty great. Your career is great. I love the way you say just parachuting into some cool Hollywood shit. Paratrooping, yeah. Paratrooping, yeah. That's the best way to do it. Stand up to your base and you get to be in The Mandalorian. You get to taste all these little things. Chappelle's show, a couple of sketches, a couple episodes of Breaking Bad, a couple

episodes of Mandalorian. The best. And then people start looking at you like you know what you're doing. And it's just like, I don't know why those things happen, but I am forever indebted to Dave and Neil, Vince Gilligan, Jon Favreau, and all of those people that like, like off of Breaking Bad, all of a sudden I get a cool part with Fisher Stevens.

Gave me a real cool part in this movie called Stand Up Guys. And you know, it was because of Vince Gilligan that they actually, I was kind of able to do this stuff that I knew I could do that I would do in acting class, but they just were so like, oh you're, oh, you're a comedian, you're a comedian, he's gonna put on the red nose and stuff. And which I always thought was funny because it was kind of like, are you really listening to comedians

talking about their lives? Because there's all of this drama that they're talking about. They're just making it funny, but like they're now making it funny, but he or she experienced that. So there's plenty to draw on there, enough at least to give like a comedian a shot, I would think, but that's not how this business works.

So for the longest, I used to say I was in the redhead drawer. So it was just basically if they needed, in the redhead in Hollywood, like everybody's like a box, like you know. Yeah, like in a filing cabinet, like okay, how about Bill Burr? You're a terrorist, right? And I'm like the guy. I'm trying to do less of those, you know, that is my bread and butter

But yeah, and I'm I'm the redhead so I don't get the girl or the gun I help out the cool guy like that's what it was and it was you know, and I was well, you know I don't know shit, you know, I'm fucking pasty right so through them On Breaking Bad getting me to play this guy and just the superior writing, editing, and all of that. The music, yeah, it was such an efficiently run show that as long as you came in there with some solid choices,

like all of those shows that I mentioned, you're gonna look like Like a champ like you know as people You know when they oh my god, you know when you did this thing and that thing It's like dude you realize that that was I didn't improv that like that was like yeah So all I got to do is just perform it and then they you know Rick Fannie all these amazing people that I've worked with they shoot it and they make you look like a champ. Yeah, I definitely, yeah, I definitely, I don't,

I'm really lucky, really lucky, with so much shit that I don't know how it ended up happening. So, yeah. Yeah, the slow drip is the best. Yeah, knockout, it is up happening. So, yeah. Yeah, the slow drip is the best. Yeah, knock, it is. It is, because when I look at like, like I have empathy, like say that, like that Matt Reif kid who I've never met,

but like to get that big, that fucking quick, that's a precarious thing. Like I always look at them, like I could never have handled that. That- Well luckily he'd been doing it for, he put his time in the standup, so it's not like he just put a TikTok out in one year

and was just fucking huge. Even, how old is he? He's young, 25 or 26, I don't know. Yeah, there's no way in my 20s I could handle, just coming from where I was mentally. So I'm always amazed, like Kevin Hart, Dane, all of them, where it happened in their 20s or maybe just into their 30s,

like fast, like fast. Like Dane was a little bit longer, but like Kevin was super fast in how quickly he learned. Because I remember reading a script with him and he had no clue with acting. He took like one class and then came back, was way better, and then like two months after that

was testing for a pilot. I'm like, you wanna run the lines? And he just goes, nah man, I feel pretty confident. And I was just like, wow, I wish I had that. I would be like muttering the whole time. And then he booked it. And then after that, you know, I mean, he did, what did he, he booked that, then he did

40 of Virgin, which still I think is the fucking, one of the funniest scenes in there. And then he did the Soul Plane, and then after that, it was just, and the way he handled it there was never any like it didn't seem like any sort of like how I would have to be a okay now I'm at this level it's pretty getting pretty you know how are you with that cuz like obviously as you ascend it and stand up and stuff you get these opportunities to audition how are you in the audition?

Are you pretty chill? Are you nervous? Or like, how do you handle it? I was a fucking wreck when I was first doing it. And then I wanted, and then, because I sucked at it, I started hating auditioning and everything. And I was just like, you know, I would just be, fuck this, I'm just gonna do stand up.

I don't like the, you know, you know, I get all mad. Just really, because I was embarrassed at how bad I was doing. But I always stayed in acting classes. I always stayed in them, because I knew eventually this leads to that. And I know that at some point I was gonna get a big at bat and I didn't wanna swing it a miss,

but I would watch guys like Chris Rock bring the pain was a huge thing to see where I was like, here's a fucking guy who got on SNL, it didn't happen for him the way other, then he wanted to get on in living color, he got in right as it was going down. And there was like a period there where that's the thing where you just slide back down the other side, then he does Bring the Pain, and next thing you know, I'm looking at him, he's like second lead in a Morgan Freeman movie.

And I was just like, this stand-up thing has a lot of power, right? I mean, Brandon, you had to do a special that hit as hard as Bring the Pain did, which I don't know, I don't know if you can do that anymore just with the sheer amount of stuff out there, but I remember the buzz off of that thing, and then he did the Chris Rock show,

and then he was doing these movies and stuff, so that was like a huge thing to see. Like, all right, if I keep taking these acting classes so I know what the fuck I'm doing in a scene, but like, if I'm just gonna stand in the actor line. So hard, I don't know how to do it. That's not my thing, but if I'm just gonna stand in the actor line. So hard, I don't know how to do it. That's not my thing, but if I can just keep the acting thing going and my stand up keeps growing,

eventually I'm gonna, I was hanging onto that. Not gonna lie to you, I thought it was gonna happen way quicker than it did, you know? But it all kinda worked out, you know, the way it was supposed to. But I don't know. I don't have any answers. Yeah.

That's interesting, you know. I feel like I'm on your podcast. Well, I never have a chance to like ask you these questions and talk in length and in depth about these things. You can say I'm standoffish. Me or you? No, I am. Yeah, I mean, you're nice though. You say hello when you come in, but you're about these things. You can say I'm standoffish. Me or you? No, I am. Yeah, I mean, you're nice though.

You say hello when you come in, but you're about the business. So that's why I mentioned that thing up top. No, what I am is I'm trying to get in and out of there before somebody, you know, like. Talks your ear off. Yeah, with a sweaty hand or somebody that is trying to get me to do their,

I also produce shows. Oh, I get it. So you're gonna have me go in there and you're not gonna pay me any money and you're gonna take all the money? Is that how it's gonna work? That's the longer version, but yes. Yeah, I got a thousand seeder.

I can pay you $100 if you come down. You know, you won't be advertised. It's like, well then how are you gonna sell it out? Like, what are you gonna, like, and then there's always some sort of bullshit going on. So I try to avoid that. I see. But yeah, this is stuff I've always wanted to ask.

So when you had me do your Roxy show, that was fun to do, but I was more excited just to chat with you in the green room, because that was the longest conversation that we've had. Because I know you mentioned, when you said- Is this like a guilt trip all of a sudden? No, no, no, no, no, not at all. I'm saying like, I enjoy this, you know?

All right. Like for me, it was like cool to chop it up with you, because I'm a big fan. And yeah, and I would have no idea. Look at that, I'm selling tickets in Afghanistan. I wouldn't go that far but. Is there a little Afghanistan in Seattle? Maybe I'll do a coffee house there.

You think the Chaz, they should bring that back. Remember the Chaz? During that whole like George Floyd thing, they like set up a few blocks and they're like, we're the Chaz. What is that? Like we're our own government and and stuff it was like super Seattle yeah yeah yeah it lasted maybe like a week and then they're like all right this was fun

why do they always come up with the worst fucking names the Chas yeah I don't know I'll say like white privilege the first time I heard that I was just like I didn't grow up rich it's like that's not what it means. It's like why would you word it that way? But what is the point if you know if the people you're directing it at don't understand it. Right. Or like defund the police. Like that's what white privilege is. White privilege means you can start your own government and the FBI doesn't come in and infiltrate it. They're like, ah yeah, they're white, I'm not, we don't have to worry about that. That's fine. You can have your own militia group with your own American flag, whatever color

you want, and get semi-automatic weapons and nobody tries to break that up. That's crazy. I like those militia groups. They're just, they're mad at the wrong people. They should be going after CEOs, but for some reason they seem to be going after people who get intimidated at the voter booth, like they're the ones, that's the reason the country's messed up. But I, you know, it's almost like a golf swing,

you know what I mean? You're just slicing it a little to the right. If you come back to the left and get these fucking CEOs, you'd be doing us all a favor, buddy. That's when they would go in and shut them down. You watch, if they go out and they do something against a minority, it's gonna be like, well, you know, it's a first, second amendment issue.

If they were to go out CEO hunting, there you go. So anyways, we're at the Roxy. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're chopping it up. Chopping it up, so that was just fun for me, you know? It's cool. All right. Well, you know if I wasn't so fucked up I guess maybe you could have more of those moments. You don't need to do this for me But I you know, I take there's a novelty in it, you know What me in a good mood? Well the positive affirmation that I mean that but like I think you're fucking

I know I know thanks. Thanks man. Totally original. Yeah, like you're the Chappelle. You're the kind of fucking comedian I could watch your act because you're so much different than I am that I don't have to worry about like your jokes floating around in my head and like seven years later one of your tags or premises or setups comes out

because that's what I'm trying to avoid, especially now where there's like. So much content. Yeah. Yeah. But like. Netflix alone is doing 168 this year. I think, are they doing three a week?

I don't know. But like Chappelle saying that thing to you, like you've done it to me, you know? So like that has held me for a bit. Like. Well that's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to, you're supposed to help out the youngsters coming up. Good Lord, how old am I?

You're 40 and I'm going, you're a youngster. So where can, I didn't say, where can people see this? Oh, YouTube, just my YouTube channel. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, youtube.com slash. All right, and buy some tickets to his show because YouTube's gonna steal all his money. Yeah.

His Instagram's funny, his clips are the best. Oh, thanks man. Yeah, Instagram too, so just Fahim Anwar and everything. The new special's called House Money. I have another YouTube special that I did before this one at the Comedy Store called Hat Trick. I love that one. Oh, cool man.

See, I watched that one too. Ah, you actually watch it, damn. Yeah, I don't have any hacks on this podcast. These are all, you know, no cupcakes. Yeah. Oh my God. All right, so are you a sports fan? You watch cricket?

Cursory a little bit, you know? You watch cricket as an Afghan? Do we have a cricket team? I don't know. Horse racing, what is your country into? What are we into? Soccer, I guess. The horse game, right?

And Rambo 3. Oh my God, yo, it's so funny. My dad took me and my brother to go see Rambo 3 when we were way too young, just because it was set in Afghanistan. Like this was a history lesson for us or something, like Rambo's in Afghanistan. Or it was sort of a prequel.

Yeah. To what? To what? What's gonna happen? For things that were. But that's how devoid of like any Afghan culture in Americana that there is. That, like, he's taking us to a hard R movie when we're way too young to go see Rambo and they're playing...

To watch an Italian guy kill half your country. No, he helps us out. I think he helps us out. Oh, he does? He helps us out. Wait, I saw Rambo 3. Is that the one where he has the bow and arrow that has the explosives on it? And he shoots it. Oh, dude, that was, as far as action movies, I don't know that ever got surpassed.

Dude, we were all in the movie theater just going, ah, what the fuck? Just vaporize that guy. Yeah. So he was playing Buskashi where it's like polo with a dead sheep's carcass or something? Yeah. I couldn't be getting the animal wrong. He's a really good polo with a dead sheep's carcass or something. Yeah, I could be getting the animal wrong. He's a really good polo player. A sly? Yeah. Did you see the Netflix documentary on him? Dude, when his dad fucking went Claude Lemieux on him,

that was one of those heartbreaking things. In polo, right? And then he's literally in the, dude, you knock him off the horse, you could have broke his fucking neck. Can you imagine doing that to your own son? I know, I know. Yeah, what is that? Usually you have to be like into the Bible to do some dumb shit like that, right?

But I think this was just pure narcissism. I don't know what it was. Or jealousy? I was just like, I that was one of the, yeah, that was fucking heartbreaking to watch. Yeah, that was a good documentary, I liked that. No, because when you see it, you still see Sly as successful as he is, you see this son looking at his dad like, why is it so hard to just, you know, to be happy for me?

Yeah. What is that? And that, oh my God, that'll, yeah, that'll give you the drive you need to make it in this business. Yeah, I guess so. All right, so that was sad. What, I didn't even get into, what's your score?

Oh yeah, I mean, I loved the Sonics when I was a kid growing up, but then they took our team, they went to OKC, so we've been devoid of a team for a long time. I know, but now you got the Kraken. That's true. They love the Kraken. And it's doing great, which should bring the NBA back. We're gonna get a new team soon, right?

I thought we were close to getting the Kings, and then that kind of got squashed. So I think when they do another expansion round, we'll get one. Dude, if the Kings move again. Like the Kings, I swear to God, were the Rochester Royals, then the Cincinnati Royals, then the Kansas City Kings, and then the Sacramento Kings. I think that's what they were. They're on their fourth, they're on their fourth thing.

They go, maybe it's you. At that point, maybe it's you. A lot of teams have passed through Kansas City. Like the Philadelphia A's became the Kansas City A's, became the Oakland A's, which now might be the Las Vegas A's. Oh yeah. And then the last one.

Rochester Seagrams. Oh, the Rochester Seagrams, I'm sorry. To the Rochester Royals. To the Rochester Royals. To the Kansas City Omaha Kings. Kansas City Omaha Kings, yep. And then Kansas City Kings and then... Kansas City Kings and then Sacramento Kings.

Alright, then the last one. The Kansas City Scouts then became the Colorado Rockies who then became the New Jersey Devils in hockey. Even the Colts started in New England. The Colts started in New England. The cult started in New England? The Yankees started in Indianapolis, yeah, like the club itself. Yeah there's a lot of weird shit like that.

There's a lot of weird shit like that where like the Yankees started in St. Louis and then moved and became, oh no no, they started in Baltimore, were the first version of the Orioles, and then they moved up New York Highlanders, then became the Yankees. And then the St. Louis Browns moved to Baltimore and became the second Baltimore Orioles. Yeah, I don't know any of this stuff. Yeah.

I just take it for what it is. I guess Seahawks, I don't like the Seahawks. That's easy. One Sunday a week, I can watch that. Baseball, so many games. Basketball, there's just a ton of games. But I could do one Sunday. Yeah, I can watch that. Baseball, so many games. Basketball, there's just a ton of games. But I could do one Sunday. Yeah, you can do a Sunday.

Throw your mortgage on it. Like the NFL wants. Okay, alright. Well, it's been wonderful to chat with you. Thanks, man, for having me. I hope I've been open and honest with you. This has been Disneyland for me. For real.

He goes, what does this make a wish? Yeah, when he's like, hey do you want to come by for a month of specials? I go, are you fucking for real? Yeah, the special is called House Money. You can see it on YouTube. He's not going to make any money off it because it's going to get flagged. So what you guys should go do, I am giving this, I am saying, I am vouching for this man. You go see him, you're gonna see top shelf A-level material.

You better have a killer new hour. Oh yeah man, I'm working on it, yeah. Where you gonna be? I'm doing Mothership at the end of the show, 24th to the 26th. Mother! Yeah, and then I'm off for a bit till I kick up the tour again in the fall.

So heemanuar.com for dates. Okay, so when is the Rogan one? May 24th to the 26th. There you go. May 24th, May 26th. The best new comedy club out there. Joe Rogan's Mothership in Austin, Texas. You can go see Fahim Anwar. Anwar.

Amwar. All the things. Amwar. All of those things. So nice to have you on man. Same dude, thanks so much. I'm a huge huge fan. Same same, I'll see you next time. Thank you guys, enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Thamelis and we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday Morning Podcast. Have a great weekend, ya cunts. So... Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 22nd, 2016.

What's going on? How are you? Once again, I got computer issues here that I got to get fixed when I get back to Los Hangales. I am in Seattle, Seattle, Washington right now which I got to tell you man, if you come to Seattle in May or June when the sun is out it's like you'll want to live here. It really is one of the most beautiful cities in the United States if you can just deal with overcast skies from like October through April. And these people pay the price, but when the sun comes out it's fucking unbelievable.

So I'm here with Nate Craig who's been crushing at this whole fucking tour and we just went out to get some eats. Like a couple of tourists, we go, you want to go down to the fisherman place where they're throwing the fish and everything so we're like yes We start walking down there And of course it's mobbed and I say to him ago you realize that nobody from Seattle fucking goes down here You know unless they're on like a first date or you know your dad and mom are taking you down there to go see it But I would think that you would avoid it so We didn't go all the way down and we just kind of kept walking. We got a little bit

You know we walked along that main drag. We just got a little bit away from it and After wading into that sea of fucking humanity I was literally like dude I will eat mediocre food if I don't have to stand in a line that can actually sit down like a human being I I will eat mediocre food if I don't have to stand in a line that can actually sit down like a human being. I know the food is good, but I just don't understand. You're standing in like a fucking bread line, like it's the middle of a war or some shit. Alright? You live in the United States of America. We don't stand in fucking line for food. We waddle our fat asses up.

You just hand it to me. So I'm not going to name the place, but I went to this place. It was halfway. The bread fucking stunk. You know what I mean? How do you make fucking king crab only taste okay? You know how you have shitty bread? Other than that, it was definitely a good time. And such a beautiful city. Despite all the dirty white people up here.

There's a major fucking, you know, I want to avoid using the word grunge. I think that was just a nice way of just, there are some dirty fucking white people up here. I don't understand it. Just there in Denver, those are the two filthiest white people that actually have money. You have too much money to be that filthy. When you go to Denver, those fucking dreadlocked man sandal wearing, always looking like you just got off one of those blow up tubes you know smoking your

fucking weed whatever the whatever they're doing out there you know hairy armpit type of shit worse than San Francisco I don't mind any of those styles if you if you bathe I mean it's 2016 Jesus Christ um up here and it's like they're like this is probably just me being an old man. I can't honestly say none of them smelled but they just they look like you know You wouldn't want to borrow anything that they used Why am I starting off this me I started off so nice I was saying how beautiful it is it's such a the layout of the city is fucking perfect and beautiful it is. It's such a... the layout of the city is fucking perfect and they even with their new stadiums that they made like I actually am old school as

far as I loved it back when they just had the Kingdom you know and they had that great like when this Seattle Supersonics had like you know that the skyline I know that they had the Space Needle and I believe they had the Kingdom there unless it was supposed to be Key Arena. I have no idea. But those two arenas were and are two of the coolest places ever. I saw a Seattle Super Sonics game there the last year they were there and it was Kevin Durant's first year. Somewhere, I don't know, I have a picture of him in the Seattle Seahawks, Seattle Seahawks, Seattle Supers, Seattle Sonics, I should say, um, uniform.

And then back in the day when I was just doing college gigs, traveling the road by myself, um, driving a Chrysler, Chrysler K car there. Um, I went to a game, a game Seattle Mariners game at the Kingdom and Ken Griffey jr. were still on the team. It's how long ago it was. This was like the late 90s possibly early 2000s. I forget when he went to the Reds but I deliberately I bought us one single centerfield seat and I got almost at the front row. I think I was the second row and this is some sports fan geek shit. I sat there cause not only do I want to watch Griffey play,

but I also wanted to like every night on sports center, whenever they showed a game at the kingdom and somebody hit a home run, there was like this weird little runway like I'll wait and you'd see people chasing after the ball. And I wanted the opportunity to to do that which I did all by myself I didn't get the fucking ball and so whatever but having said all that if you ever visit Seattle in May or June and it's all sunny and you're like oh my god I could live here make sure you come back in like January or December or some one of those fucking, you know, I understand Kurt Cobain now. One

of those months. But anyways, we're, we're performing there tonight. I'm recording this podcast Sunday afternoon because I got to get back and go back to the writer's room. Working on episode five, everybody. Five out of number 10. And once we get this one done, it's all downhill from there. Really excited about this episode. And I don't know,

I'm hoping you guys are gonna like it. But anyways, so big thank you to everybody who came out to Edmonton last night and who went out to Calgary. Calgary might have been the best sound I've ever heard at a show. I was standing backstage and Nate Craig was on stage. I mean, the backstage area. And usually in most venues, when you're standing to the side of the

stage you can barely understand the person just the way the sound is bouncing around I'm sure it's fine in the house but like you know so many times I'll be with Bartnik or Verzi or something they'll literally just be like dude you hear that new bit I did about blah blah blah I was like you know I was trying to but I couldn't quite hear it because of the sound. I was standing almost directly behind and behind a curtain where Nate was on stage and I could hear the guy absolutely perfectly. It was just fucking awesome.

It was just a great gig, both of the gigs. Then the next day we drove up to Edmonton, which believe it or not, I've done that drive like three times and just beautiful, beautiful country up in Canada. Absolutely gorgeous. I would go out of my fucking mind. I think if I did the road enough though, if I just flew to other places, then I could come back.

That's how I really view all these places You know that are considered the middle of nowhere. They're like these paradises But I think I would lose my mind if all I did was live out there like I understand the people when they come Up to you. They're like, oh my god. I want to get out of here You know, this is the middle of fucking nowhere and i'm always you know coming from la where everybody's living on top of each other And we have no water and shit. I'm like, dude, you are living in the Garden of Eden. This is as good as it gets as far as natural resources, four seasons and that type of shit. Although it was cold as fuck when we were up there.

It's for May anyways. I mean, the last night in Edmonton, it was actually sleeting. Fucking crazy. But we ended up driving obviously up to Edmonton It was actually sleeting. Fucking crazy. But um We ended up driving obviously up to Edmonton and that night at the gig. This might have been the weirdest fucking venue I've played in a long time. It was Essentially I took a picture of it. It was essentially a giant tent that had a little bit of an upper deck in the back and

There was no carpeting. Like behind me they didn't, they had all this fucking equipment for the lights and everything and they usually they dress it up. They put a curtain there so people don't have to look at it but they didn't. It was like this giant eyesore behind me and I was standing on like this concrete slab that had no carpeting, no nothing. The floor was all concrete. They just had chairs. The sides of the walls, I don't know what they were made of.

All I know was I was on stage. I felt like I was like screaming in a giant garage. Like I, it seemed loud to me, but I couldn't tell if it was loud. I didn't see anybody complaining. But like my ears are kind of ringing today and I got a couple of tweets people were saying like Like dude, you sounded like you were yelling into a megaphone into a microphone. So my apologies. I wish somebody Mentioned something on one of the shows I would have toned it down but sometimes when you up there you can't hear yourself, but I ended up I

sent a picture to Nia and I should have had the tweet other to the message she sent me the text that she sent me she said that looks like a venue where one of those those fake televangelists you know have plants in the crowd and they go to like curam and shit and I'll post a picture of it and as always I always say I'll fucking do it then I never do but I'll try to do it this time. You know what? Whatever. If you follow the MMP on fucking on Twitter maybe it'll be up there. I have no idea. But before I go any further I forgot to mention the All Things Comedy Network is really doing well. Because I'm a terrible businessman, I never bring it up.

But we've got some people to invest in it. We're going to start creating some more content and that type of stuff. And really try to join forces with other comics and hopefully make some comics and money off of that thing. And get you guys some good comedy. Everybody works. We keep the big fuckos out of the way you know or at very least you know keep them from taking the rights of everybody's fucking shows you know that always seems to be like the the business plan like okay yeah we'll

invest all right we own everything you work for us you go fuck yourself we'll sleep in bed and make mailbox money and you'll be on the road when you're 90 sound good No, it doesn't well. It's gonna be good exposure That's what they always say Any young comics out there anytime anybody tries to pay you an exposure anytime they say it's good exposure that means you're getting fucked All right also this Thursday, I'm doing a charity show This Thursday 8 p.m. at the Comedy Store.

100% of the money goes towards helping children who are fighting cancer to have as normal of childhood as possible while they're going through the treatment and all that. The tickets are available at the Comedy Store. After the show, we'll put up a link for anyone who can't make it if they want to donate. Steve Simone puts the thing together and he's been doing great things. He's been having comics go to hospitals and stuff like that. This is a charity that I can get behind, which brings me back to the mysterious Red Nose campaign.

So a bunch of people were looking into that, found it very vague, and now I guess it helps out poor children. That's why you have the clown noses, which is hilarious to me because I think it's pretty much mainstream knowledge that clowns kind of scare the shit out of most children and a lot of adults. I just don't understand why you got to have the stupid clown nose. What are you going to do with that fucking thing? Other than just throw it out, and it's gonna be, you know, it's gonna end up in the fucking ocean and then back in the fish that you eat. It's so fucking dumb.

Like, it's not enough to just say, listen, we are helping out poor children. Do people still say, nah, I don't want to do that? You gotta be like, well, what if we give you a little red nosy nose? You're like, oh, OK, that sounds like a good idea. That's such like a fucking I don't know. I think it's like a hacky cherry thing. It all started with the thing was the AIDS ribbon was the first thing.

Or was it the quilt? And then came the Lance Armstrong, Livestrong things, right? And I don't know, somewhere in there was the Superfinger. I have no fucking idea. I don't, I don't pretend to know these things. Anyways, what am I, what the hell am I on? This is fucking new thing is driving me nuts. I'm so used to not having to look at these fucking This garage band shit. Oh Here's a nice creepy thing. It's really not a nice creepy thing It's just sort of a fucking creepy thing so we rented this car when we drove up from Calgary to drove up to Edmonton from Calgary and we had the thing and

actually picked it up at the airport and And we had the thing, actually we picked it up at the airport and yeah, we were driving over to the casino, that's what it was, driving over to the casino and I just look on the dashboard and I'm like, what the fuck is that? What is that on the deck? I'm like, is that a camera? I think it was a camera and I think it was pointed at us because there was nothing in the front. I don't know if it was the GPS antenna, I don't know what the fuck it was, but it was really creepy

so I of course threw a fucking newspaper over the goddamn thing and When I got back to the hotel I looked up about cars and cameras and I found this article here It says is your rental car company spying on you and you're driving Here's how they do it All right Rental car giant Hertz has admitted it is it has cameras installed in about One in eight of its cars in the United States, but those cameras built into Hertz has never lost dashboard

Assistant that offers routing help and local city guides have never been turned on. Give me a fuck. Really? You spent all that money and you never turned them on, you lion cunts? Hertz has said loudly and repeatedly they've never turned them on. Understand that Neverlost 6 was launched by Hertz in early 2014. The product has been out there for over a year and only now is it causing flap, probably because most renters began noticing a creepy camera pointed at them. Understand too there are excellent reasons to worry about car rental companies spying

on drivers but very probably never lost. Six is not one of them. Hertz said it lacked the bandwidth to use the cameras anyway, but it has been so scorched, but it scorched so severely in the media flap of the past week said industry experts indicated that Hertz now would be just about the last company to spy on its customers.

Does any of that make any sense that you put a camera in there and then you wouldn't use it? You'd install a camera and oh, we're just a little mom and pop place. We don't have the fucking bandwidth for it. Some of this shit's funny. They actually find some people, like hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars using this shit,

and basically, you know when you rent a car, and they go, okay, you gotta stay in the tri-state area, or you're not leaving California, right? Some fucking guy, he ended up, up he left California went to Nevada and then Arizona and then they gave him a uh I don't know where the fuck it was he was slapped with a bill of three thousand four hundred five dollars and five cents by adding one dollar per mile to each of the 28 74 miles he had driven because he had cracked across the California state line into Nevada to me. That's funny Okay, cuz that guy's a piece of shit. He lied to the car company. All right

I'm not just saying hurts is a piece of shit people who buy rental cars and they treat them like shit are also pieces of shit but I don't but To sit there and film people and then you know, they're gonna start recording conversations. Do you understand like in the future? Okay, you go to run for president like what could like Bring you down is some fucked up thing you said some argument you had in the car with some girlfriend You're not even with 20 years earlier And they just bring that up in the middle of the debate like I think in the future Like they're little like once you become a public figure. They will just have on a disc

You know and it's all gonna be logged Anything you ever fucking did like questionable shit Good shit that you did all the balance. You know they'll probably just have like a pie chart. Okay. Here's his life disc You know and the good stuff is in whatever green or yellow man right all the nice friendly fucking colors and then the bad shit will be all in like red I don't know if you're prone to depression there'll be like some blue in there and they'll just look at the big pie chart and try to judge it then overall what kind of a

fucking person you are It's just it's I know it's really creepy. This is another one that was funny to me. It says in in Florida Rental car companies are notorious for literally shutting off engines of cars that cross straight state lines The cars may be restarted upon agreement to pay the new fees The cars may be restarted upon agreement to pay the new fees That's fucking hilarious Here's my question How do you know they're not in the left lane doing 90 miles an hour with somebody on that bumper? You're just gonna shut off their car that you have to wait until the car stops. I would like to think that but

I Don't know part of me I Don't mind if they track you with the GPS As far as that and if you leave the state lines I mean, that's only fair you fucking lying to them and the technology exists, but that shit to start recording conversations and Videotaping you is like I don don't know man, that really crosses a line. I don't know, some people say, well what about all these assholes texting and driving? They're killing people and that type of shit.

There has to be a better way. What do you guys think? There's got to be a better way to keep... I mean, I don't even know how safe you have to make the world. I mean, there's too many fucking people. Can you let some people die? I mean, I know that's really morbid to say that shit, but, um... I don't know, I'm kind of a fucked up person, so why would you listen to me? Why would you listen to this podcast? Oh, I know, I... You're on your way to work, you're at the gym, you whatever the fuck you're doing. So...

Let's, uh... Should we do... Oh, man, I had a really bad... A bad little social faux pas. After the Calgary thing, I was walking over to the hotel and I was trying to get into the elevator because I was in the lobby. Sometimes you go through the lobby, people want pictures and shit like that, which is cool, but daddy wants to drink.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So I was trying to get through there as fast as I could and one of the guys you know was that you know one of the the guys who worked there sort of you know this elevator door opened and I fucking he just sort of told me to come in I just stepped in front of these people and walked on me and Nate and the promoter and the doors closed as we were going up Nate goes did we just step in front of a woman in a wheelchair waiting for an elevator? And then it dawned on me, because I did see her,

but I was in such a selfish moment of, I don't want to take any pictures or anything, I just want to get back down, because the bar was closing, that's right. And we had a great night, and there's nothing better after a show. You're all fucking amped up from the excitement of doing it and it went well that you can't just go back to your hotel room go to sleep You want to sit down shoot the shit or whatever?

So we that's right. We were making a mad dash to get down to the bar before the fort closed now That's a lie. They were actually keeping it open for us There was really no reason for me to do it other than my own selfish things. I didn't feel like taking a picture so I ran in there and That has been bugging me for the last 48 fucking hours. Nate heard her say something sad of like, said something, well, I guess we're not getting on this one,

you know, classic polite Canadian. So I don't know, for whatever fucking reason, if you're the person pushing the person in the wheelchair, my apologies. Oh, Freckles was a selfish cunt there. I'm literally getting embarrassed telling the story right now, but that legitimately happened. And it was me. I don't know if my rental car company has video or audio of it, you know. I'm getting out in front of the story is what I'm doing. Alright, enough of that Big Brother shit.

Let's read some advertising here for the week. There you go. Alright, let me get rid of all of this fucking copy here. Let's read some advertising here for the week. There you go. All right, let me get rid of all of this fucking copy here so I can get onto the questions and all of that shit. By the way, did anybody watch Game Four of the St. Louis Louis meet me at the fair? They gave the fucking shacks, the old right there Fred. I'm not gonna lie to you, as a complete bandwagon fan,

this is one of the biggest examples of bandwagon fan shit you'll ever see is me becoming a blues fan, you know, just picking a team right, and I, after they lost game two and game three and how great the Sharks look, I was just like... I was talking to my buddy going like, these guys look like they're dialed in. I think the Sharks are gonna win the whole fucking thing. And this has just been such a weird series. Like game two, three, and four, you know? Like Sharks dominated two and three,

and then it's like they didn't even fucking show. And it's like the Blues didn't even show up, games two and three. And I'm thinking like, ah, the Sharks got them figured out. They're gonna make quick work of them. And then the Blues show up. Last night it was like, fucking game two and three never happened, so I can't figure it out.

Somebody on Twitter sent me something saying these games have sucked because they've been so one-sided. And I wouldn't argue, I wouldn't argue that. They haven't been actually the most compelling games. They've just been like three out of four games. It's just been a little fucking kick to the balls there. So, so we'll see, we'll see. I actually have no fucking clue anymore.

I thought after two and three, I was like, not only are the Sharks gonna beat the Blues, they're gonna win the whole fucking thing because I'm not impressed With I mean, I like the lightning but they lost their fucking goaltender and I thought that they were done I thought they were fucking done and now all of a sudden, you know The fucking penguins won two in a row and then fucking Tampa can't now Jesus it both two to two. I Swear to God if I didn't know better that fucking piece of shit David Stern is running the goddamn NHL right now

Seems like he wants both of the series to go seven games. Everybody makes their fucking money, right? They would never do something like that What are they the NFL? Jesus I'm being such a cunt such a goddamn cunt And I'm sort of paying attention to the basketball. I just don't have time. And I was really hoping that the Cleveland Cavaliers were gonna go 16-0 and win a title on two different levels.

One, Cleveland would win a title. And all those sad sad Cleveland fans could quit with their stupid basset hound faces. You know what I mean? Cleveland fans are so fucking sad and so many people just don't even give a shit. I mean, they just have the loneliest look on their face. At least when Boston couldn't win a World Series,

New York had the decency to give a fuck enough to trash us, which was always funny to me when you really thought about it. It's like, why are you wasting your time? They were like Walmart, getting mad at the one mom and pop store up the fucking street because we were also trying to sell rakes, right? Like, why do you give a shit? But no one cares about, I don't know, Ohio. It's amazing the amount of musicians, fighters, football coaches, entertainers.

The list of famous people from Ohio might be the most impressive out of all the 50 states. And they don't get any respect, but you go out there, it's just, I don't know, it's just kind of boring. It's a boring ass state to fucking drive through. I don't know, but they're nice people, but I don't know but they're nice people but I don't know I don't know if I have sympathy for Cleveland fans as much as they love Cleveland it's like yeah well why don't you live there nobody lives there it's like a fucking ghost town I guess gradually it's coming back you know who

gives a fuck I just like shitting on people anyway so I wanted to see them go 16 and 0 because it would be great to see LeBron come back, you know, after all the Cleveland fans were burning his jersey when he left. You know, that is just the stupidest fucking thing ever, just to go out and burn somebody's jersey as the news cameras are filming you. It's like, how fucking old are you? Are you really this emotionally invested in your fucking team? I mean, I love sports as much as anybody. I remember when What's-his-face left.

Ray Allen went to the heat and all these Celtics fans were mad. It's like, dude, that's how we got him. You know, he started with the Bucks and then he... once there's somebody... a player's a free agent, don't ever give your heart to the person. I'm telling you. You can't go 100% in because they really you know They got that fucking they got that wandering I Sometimes they stay like big poppy, but most times you know they come they come through town They pile on the team they win a championship They start acting like they're fucking magic Johnson and the Lakers or some shit

Larry Bird you know when they're really just, you know, they're window chopping throughout the fucking league. Um, but anyways, one of the cool things, if they actually went 16 and 0, it would be so fucked up that the Golden State Warriors, right? I'm assuming they make it to the finals, would go 73 and 9, beating the 96 Bulls and having the greatest regular season of all time and then losing the championship game to me would have been, you know, it's like the fucking 2008 Patriots. It's like they went 16 and 0 and like, I don't, nobody gives a fuck. Nobody's ever going to give a fuck about that because all 16 and 0 does is well, they went, see, did they win this next thing is did they go go Did they run the table now and then they lost the last one? You know something actually having lived through that why would I root that for that for Golden State?

I don't know. You know, it is there's something about LeBron that I actually feel bad about the guy. I feel bad for the guy I don't know what is You know, he never seems to be on strong footing with the crowd. They always seem to somehow not like the guy. And he's out there like Superman every night. Who's getting who? He brought her on. His agent brought her on him with that stupid fucking press conference, you know, doing

his whole fucking life story. And then he just, I decided to take Mark Talents to South Beach. He didn't even say, he didn whole fucking life story. And then he just decided to take my talents to South Beach. He didn't even say he didn't even say Miami. It was one of the worst worded fucking statements ever. I've decided to take my talents to South Beach. It's like you're going to leave these pound puppy looking sad sacks in Cleveland, freezing their fucking balls off. You're going to talk about your talent and then you're telling them that you're

going to the beach. You know what? I don't feel bad for him. I don't know. I really like LeBron. So I would like to see LeBron win one in Cleveland. It's great. He gets it for the city. But when he does win it, if he does, I will really miss seeing those sad, sad Cleveland fans. They're just funny to me. I don't know what it is about them. I don't feel bad for them. And when they complain, I just laugh. I usually have empathy. It's just something about them. I don't. It's like Cubs fans, some of them out there are still mad at me for that time when I said

the White Sox fans were real fans. And I was just taking a stab in the dark. I was just fucking around because this guy was talking about when the Bears beat the fuck out of the Patriots and the Super Bowl. So I just did the oldest trick in the book. I just went divide and conquer. And I just said that White Sox fans

were better than Cubs fans. And worked you know what I mean years later somebody's going oh you know they're in first place but they have the fucking one of the worst attendances in the league say go whatever just go to your stupid game and take your fucking shirt off and act like you're in the big chill chill. Anyways, the Cubs actually win it. That's the Theo Epstein fucking saga. You know what I mean? Like what happened to the Red Sox after 2004 was then all of a sudden it was like, you know when your favorite band is just moving up the ladder, right? They're gradually playing clubs, local areas, and they start going a little national, then they play bigger, then they get all the way up to their best selling album ever. What always happens when a band that's been together for fucking 10 years, they make it

to the mountaintop, what happens? The whole thing implodes. Everybody goes their separate ways. Next thing you know fucking David Lee Roth is singing just a gigolo, right? And Van Halen is singing about dreams with the fucking Blue Angels. Whatever happened. I don't remember. I tried to block it out.

That fucking crushed me when they when they broke up He was the perfect front man for that fucking band I love Sammy Hagar and everything but come on Anyways You guys are gonna kill me, but I completely forget what I was fucking tough what the fuck was my point I Literally have to sway me scroll back up. What the fuck was I just talking about? Oh, Theo Epstein, Jesus Christ. Theo Epstein after like 2004, I think everybody wanted the credit.

I think the fucking ownership was like, no, we're the reason the 86 years curse ended. And Theo's like, well, what about me? And then there was that weird thing where he kind of went, he like left for like a week and I remember thinking like, fuck, why couldn't they just get along? Here we go again. And then he came back and then I don't know, when everything imploded, whatever the fuck

it did, he ends up leaving. He goes to the Cubs. I thought he left then decided to stay for a couple of years. I might be wrong. But he went with the Cubs and I think that that was his ego thing. And then the Red Sox won at 07 in 2013 I believe. And that was our fuck you Theo, we can do it without you. So now I think for his ego, he's trying to become the guy who ended the curse of the babe and the curse of the goat. And if he does that, I mean, you'd have to say he's one of the greatest whatever the fuck his position is.

Is he that a GM? I don't know what he is. Curse of the Goat is so fucking stupid. You know what I mean? Get your livestock off of the fucking field. You know? Curse of the Babe was dumb enough. It's just like, no, we made a bad fucking move.

We're not a good franchise. And we weren't a good franchise. We didn't make good decisions. The Yawkes, God bless them, did not make good decisions. The guy was a major fucking racist and just refused until the last, I think we were the last team to, to finally admit, you know, I guess people from other races are worthy of looking at and by then we Even then I mean we suck when it was just all white people. I mean, I don't know what are you gonna do? Um, So anyways, let's read some of the other questions here. I know I'm babbling this week

This is I'm a little outside my comfort zone without the microphone in the fucking headset. So This will all be fixed by Thursday, okay vinyl headset so this will all be fixed by Thursday. Okay, vinyl. Hey Billy, I was at your Madison Square Garden show and I seem to remember you mentioning releasing it on vinyl. Is that still happening? Interesting you should say that. I have the audio and I'm going through pictures right now and I am telling you right now I am going for big air on this one. I am releasing the entire fucking show.

I'm not editing anything out. I was happy from the second I got on to the second I left. It was one of the greatest nights of my standup life. I'm so happy that I have an audio recording of it. Corey Angelo, one of the greatest photographers I've met in this business, the greatest I should say, he took all the pictures and if I do this right, it's going to be a sick ass fucking record and I'm very excited to do it. I just have to do it the right way. What happens is if you

want to get into the bullshit of the business is this happened with the one that I did at Carnegie Hall. What happens is is when you put out a stand-up special you get in business with somebody like Comedy Central or Netflix or HBO or whatever you know usually built into the contract is that you won't release any similar material that's on the special for a specific period of time and You know, I'm probably gonna do another special in November Which you know, I did Madison Square Garden November of last year So there's gonna be enough overlap where I'm gonna have to wait I believe I'll have to wait a little bit I'll try

to get around that because I haven't negotiated yet it would be nice if I could get around and be like look it's vinyl it's for fucking total comedy nerds this isn't gonna really but then of course you cunts end up uploading it everyone because everything has to be fucking uploaded and then be free I'm gonna lose my fucking shirt on this, but I don't give a shit because I know there's people out there that appreciate the vinyl and that type of stuff and it's a really cool fucking thing to have and oh Man, I'm gonna spend some money on this. I'm really gonna spend some money on this I really want to do this as first fucking class as I can

and I was actually talking to somebody about it the other night. Somebody who makes records and he was showing me some of the shit that he's done and I was really impressed so I'm literally getting excited talking about it. So that's definitely happening. When I can actually release the fucking thing is a completely different story So alright basic training Billy bloom You mentioned in a throwback clip that you would only perform for the troops in the Middle East if you went through basic training

And was taught how to kill a man. Well at least how to shoot a fucking gun that's like my fear. I'm going into a fucking war zone and God forbid it gets overrun by a bunch of lunatics and my bodyguard takes one for me and he's laying on the ground and there's his weapon and I'm like, I don't know how to work this. Ha ha ha.

Standing there like Bob Hope with a fucking putter. You know, I just, you know, I know, and they always say this shit too. We've never lost anyone in all the wars that we fought. We've never lost anyone. It's just like, dude, that's just like saying my, you know what, my car's running great. You don't say shit like that. Anyways, he said, was wondering if that's as true as it was when you said it in 2008

I believe you're in better shape these days and perhaps so is the Middle East Love you. Love me Nah, yeah, I think at this point, you know Look to when I saw over there like what I was first thinking that that was back You know when shit was really bad and contractors had a rock in their shoe and they would stop for half a second to get it out and then they just disappeared.

And then the next thing you know, they're getting their heads sawed off. I mean, what a fucking way to go. I mean, Jesus Christ. You know what I mean? And I've also, one thing, one of the reasons why I've been any success that I've had in life is I've always understood what I suck at. Okay? And I know I am not a Marine. You can give me the camouflage shit, you know

the dumb shit when people go out and go fucking do shows for the troops and they take pictures of you sitting in a jet or like in a fucking tank and you're wearing a helmet you know for half a second your ego's I could do this no you can't do that takes a special person to be able to do that and I know that's not me they were actually truly be honest with you I wouldn't want to go through basic training because I am a fucking lunatic to begin with and the last thing I need to do is dehumanize any more people in my fucked up brain. Yes, I am afraid of, you know, to go down that rabbit hole of how fucking, how nuts

am I, okay? I like to feel that I'm a mainstream psycho You know, it's kind of like my drinking like I know I drink way too much, but I have it under control but I know a Couple of circumstance. Well, I'm too I'm too vain to drink myself to death, but I could I could definitely You know, I know enough not I knew enough not to fuck with hard drugs Because I saw what they did to you know, like everybody I think everybody In my country at this point for I

Hate to say it at this point. You've you've lost somebody to that. I've lost two people two friends of mine outside of comedy and then obviously a number of comedians to that type of shit and both friends of mine and then comics that I was fans of and that type of shit so I always knew not to fuck with that stuff but as far as going over there yeah I would definitely do that I would definitely do something like that but you know when it was really fucking crazy over there and then you then comics were telling me

they would have, they had to do those military landings where you're like at 38,000 feet and a minute later you're on the ground. You know? I mean, it's scary enough landing in San Diego. I don't need somebody possibly shooting at me. Yeah, and I'm just being fucking honest, you know what I mean? So, but at this point, yeah, no, I wouldn't have a problem. Jesus. If I ever fucking go over there and something happens to me and they play this fucking audio, you know they're going to do it and all those fucking things.

Yeah, you know, going to war is, is, it's, no, that's the real deal. And I know I don't have that in me. Fucking go over there with a Hawaiian shirt. Hey, ain't that something? Going over there with whoever the Marilyn Monroe is of the day. And she's out there singing, you know, Happy birthday, Mr. General. Or whatever the fuck goes on. I have no idea what happens on those shows.

But, um, I know like fucking Artie Lang Lang went to like Artie Lang went into this shit and like Afghanistan like fucking like crazy you would never catch me doing that that guy's got more balls than than I would ever have no but yeah I'll go to the big base that already has a Best Buy on it I'll go to that one whatever military base over there that already has a on it. I'll go to that one. Whatever military base over there that already has a monorail, I'll go to that one. Maybe like an Orange Julius. I'll check that one out. But I would definitely do it without a doubt. All right. Name dropping. Hey Bill, I listen to the podcast every week, which means my wife does as well. Oh geez,

not another one of these. I know women hate me, okay? I watched in the hotel today and this guy goes, I didn't know you were in town. I said, yeah, you know, I'm playing at the theater down the street and he goes, uh, he goes, oh, he goes, you know, I'm definitely gonna go. He goes, you know, I'm gonna go. He goes, my girlfriend hates you, but I'm gonna go. It's just like, I get it. I get it. I get it. I'm not gonna change what the fuck I do though, but I understand it. Here we go. Alright, so, okay, here it comes. How long before I get it. I'm not going to change what the fuck I do though, but I understand it. Here we go. All right So, okay here here it comes. How long before I get how? How much do I have to read before I find out that she hates me? All right

Last week you said you didn't want to write you didn't want to name drop your friend's name in a band Um, this started my wife down a path of questioning And thought I'll quote her, who is Bill scared of? You would think he's still on a playground and waiting to get beat up if he acts out of order. He's Bill Burr who's going to give him shit. She has a good point. I totally understand why you do that but you'd have to drop a dozen big names that didn't even matter. But what? But you have to drop a dozen big names that didn't even matter into a story every week for a year for anyone to think of you as a name dropper.

You're the best, come back to Rhode Island. You know why I don't do it? Because people who are in the public eye a there's an unwritten fucking rule that when you're hanging out with them you're hanging out with them and then it doesn't become a fucking podcast story you don't fucking tweet about it you know you know and you don't ask for a picture because that's what their life is and I know people that have fucked that up. I got a buddy of mine all right he was golfing and

He got put in this foursome with one of his favorite actors And it turned out the actor was a fan of his and they were having a great fucking time All right, just shooting the shit being normal and in the end the guy goes yeah, that's great, man. I'd love to come out to a show and Instead of saying all right. Give me a number Y'all text you next time I'm in town. He goes great he goes is it hey is it is it cool if I get a photo and he said the guy's face just fucking dropped and was just like

Yeah, man. Yeah, okay. Yeah, let's do it. I Don't want to do it. I don't wanna do that, look, like I don't mind, unless I'm trying to get to a bar before it closes, those are only the times that I bug, if it bothers me that somebody wants a picture. It's way better if somebody wants a picture than nobody gives a fuck, but I'm also at a cool level of just being known.

I'm known enough that I can sell tickets on the road, but like I can walk down the street, nobody fucks with me, right? But those people that are at that other level, you know what I mean? Where they can't leave the fucking house. You know, if you hang out with them, you don't go blabbing about it on a podcast. It's a, it's to put it it bluntly it's really fucking tacky and it's not professional and not to mention you come off like a name-dropping cunt you know I actually had somebody do that to me one time I fucking annoyed this

shit on me and you know somebody I was having this debate with somebody and then they ended up fucking writing something about it afterwards I'm just like oh you know I thought we were just a couple of comics hanging out you know I was just like and just I Don't know I just Gross is all I thought Like that was fucking gross because now I thought that you know we actually were talking human being to human being and now you're trying to get

Turning into something You know I don't know it's gross. You know, I don't know. It's gross. That's why I don't do it. All right? All right. Wedding song. Dear Billy Cockring Bearer.

Ha ha ha. Ah, Jesus. He said, I'm getting married this summer. And my fiance and I are trying to figure out songs for the wedding You dig music. What would you and the lovely Mia? Mia it's Nia with an N like Nancy the lovely Nia suggests for our entrance and first dance We appreciate your insight. Oh

My god, I can't write what the person just wrote Jesus Christ Easy with the homophobia there said go fuck yourself. Um, I Don't fuck dude, I listen to hair metal man, you don't listen to me, you know something from great white About white lion One of those white bands because it was White Snake, White Lion, and Great White. That's like when they had all the number bands, right? Mary 3 and 4, 3-11, Sum 41. I don't know what the fuck they are.

What song should you come up with? I would think the song that both of you guys like. I have no idea. Your wedding starts. Alright, you coming in? I don't know. I'd say something from Lou Rawls. Lady Love. You know, although he's kind of suggesting an open relationship a little bit if you really listen to it. Anyways, I don't fucking know. That's a weird one. I have no idea. I don't know

what kind of music you're into. How about something from Cinderella? Speaking of which, from my generation, I just found out the drummer from Megadeth died last night. Was it Nick Menza? That his name? Yeah. X mega death drummer Nick Menza collapses and dies on stage. 51 fucking years old. That's it. Was like three songs in. He was at that place the baked potato which I have never been to. It's a legendary music venue. Like if you ever come out to LA and you want to go Was like three songs in he was at that place to bake potato, which I have never been to It's a legendary music venue Like if you ever come out to LA and you want to go to a cool music venue and possibly see some huge fucking musician Just basically jamming with a bunch of people from other bands or studio musicians. That's the place to go to I've never been I don't know why I just always end up being busy having to do a stand-up show, but um

fortunately he died 51 gonna be 52 years old which is uh is Way too young in general, but when you're gonna be 48 next month is pretty fucking scary Lay off the fucking chicken quesadillas All right here we go French music recommendation. Hey Guillaume Le Rouge I know you're working on your French skills and you're always looking for music so I thought I'd give you a twofer. Check out an artist named Stramayor. That's how you say it Stramayor. That's how you say it, stromeir.

No. My god, I'm an idiot. Oh My god, I'm a fucking idiot. It's stromei and then it was dash you're welcome. I thought the your was part of it And it was stromeir, but it's stromei you're welcome. Oh my god. What a fucking dope Every time I think I find the bottom of my stupidity, there's a whole nother floor. Anyways, he's from Belgium, and his stuff has a really diverse set of influences, but besides that, the music is amazing,

even if you have no idea what the fuck he's saying. I'm not a native French speaker. Wait, he's from Belgium, but he sings in French? Anyways, he goes, but my family spent some time in Belgium when I was a kid. I've forgotten a lot of my French over the years and listening to this is bringing it all back to me. It says, Bonchamps-Kennard. It's double N. I know Kennard is duck, so C-O-N-N-A-R-D. I don't know what that is.

It probably says good luck. Fuckface, I have no idea, dick or something, I don't know. Come back to New York City soon. That makes no sense to me that you were in Belgium and you learned how to speak French. I thought you'd be able to talk to Jean-Claude Van Damme. The muscles from Brussels, right? Alright, girl. Wow, this guy tried to write girl is fucking with my head, and she's so fucking with his head He wrote girl girls if fucking with my head

Dear Billy Bats A few months ago my waitress at a Mexican restaurant Caught my eye with her cute smile and warm personality I asked her out and things are going great after two dates We were having sex and I love spending time with her and making her laugh She's also joining the Air Force and she used to ask me advice because I'm in the Marine Reserves I didn't see her during her final week and late on Saturday during my drill weekend She was texting that she was a terrible person and she was never going to amount to anything

Sounds like she fucked around with it on you Sorry, that's just my paranoia. I consoled her and she sent a two-page text while I was asleep At 6 a.m. The next morning I woke up to the text that read This has been eating away at me and I had a few glasses of wine and can't hold it in. Oh, here it comes. On Wednesday, I had lunch with my old friend with benefits and I ended up blowing him. I'm so sorry, I like you so much and I feel horrible.

The next day, I asked a few details about the incidents. We are using your hand to cranking the incidents. Oh my god. We are using your hand too, cranking the shaft. I asked a few questions about the incident and said she had a strange way of showing affection towards me. I told her I didn't want to see her anymore

and deleted all of her contact info from my phone and blocked her number. Perfect. Am I being too hard? Is it really so hard to not suck a dick? I've never had the urge. She even told me not to cheat on her and then does this. I probably should have seen it coming because apparently she'd also had a threesome with two guys.

She seems so nice though. This is the first time I've been cheated on in this fucking with my head I'm 23. This shouldn't be that big of a deal, but my confidence took a serious blow here. No pun intended Hey, dude, you know That it that happened to me at least three times in my life that I'm aware of women fucking she too. All right I mean, everybody knows that guys are dogs, but women do it fucking too, alright? And how many fucking ... I don't want to get it. It's just... Dude, the only reason right now where you're questioning

am I being so hard on her, that's just your feelings talking because you miss her. But dude, you did the right thing. You deleted her shit. You told the fuck off it's a big-time self-esteem move and You're only 23 years old you got a bunch of great women in your future I'm not saying fuck her as far as her as a person but just forget her as far as like someone that you can have a relationship with but you know, she's obviously working out some stuff and You know She you know she's on her path. You're on your path, and you're not looking for that sounds like And yeah, you just just move on you did the right fucking thing you know

Allow yourself to be sad and go through the shit and all that You know don't do the dumb guy thing where you just try to shut off your feelings. Go through the feelings, fucking cry it out of you when no one's around. Don't make it awkward for other fucking people. And then, uh, you know, just don't fuck with anybody for a while. You know? Figure out what the fuck you want to do next. But don't go back to her. You can't go back to her

Yeah, I wouldn't do that plus you know she's joining the fucking Air Force you're going to Marines anyways, you know You can't tell me this you go you're gonna probably go around the fucking world You're gonna meet all kinds of beautiful women. She actually made a long way. She probably did you a favor And I'll tell you right now that is as positive as I can spin that because I know it sucks It sucks, you know What are you gonna do? All right? Um Something I wanted where the hell was it before I wrap this up here People keep asking me about the the European tour. Now. Here's the thing, I am not allowed to say what the dates

are. It's definitely happening, but I can be vague about it at this point. I heard a rumor that it might start the end of July, like the very end of July, like maybe the last day of July. And I heard that it might go through, I don't know, mid August. Like, well, actually August 8th, maybe to the 10th, it all fucking depends. All right? And the rumor is that it might start in a city that, in country that rhymes with Mublin Fireland

and then it might go to a city that rhymes with uh Hellcast. Oh and then there's another one uh Hallway, one. Hallway. Maryland. I'm not allowed to release any of this information. Then I might go to Pistol. Fingland. Canfester, England. Mundon, England. hamster cam, featherlands, and what the fuck kind of routing is that? Then I go up to Fedenborough, Hotland, possibly. That might be it. I'm not allowed to say, but I don don't know when we're gonna do this thing But I will tell you that I thought I was going to Belgium and as of right now if that's not on the list Which is really bugging me because I really wanted to go there. So I'm hoping that maybe I can

We'll see I mean the amount of cities that we got offers from If I'm still gonna remain married, I have to break it up into three tours. So I think I'm going to do this one and then maybe I'll do the Scandinavian one with Belgium on that one and then an Eastern European one. I don't know how long it's going to take me to do all of those, but I definitely plan on doing them and I'm extremely excited about getting over there. There's a lot of cities there that I've never played to and I don't know I can't wait to get over there. Plus you know it's going to be great for me it's going to feel like a summer vacation because we'll be done writing all 10 episodes of F is for Family.

So anyways that's um that is the podcast for this week. Once again, thank you to everybody who came out in Calgary, Edmonton and Seattle tonight. This has been a great three-day run and um, to argue with you, I gotta tell you Seattle's in all these areas up here. Once you live out in a fucking desert man, it's just, I always look down as the planes landing going, what if I lived in that house right fucking there, you know Somehow I was able to fucking Exist and show business and not live out in LA which I eventually maybe will be able to do but then what am I gonna Do I got to be in the writers room?

Eventually, I'll be that guy. I'm gonna be that guy eventually. I'm gonna be living next to a fucking lake in the middle of nowhere and next to a fucking lake in the middle of nowhere and staring at a wall drinking myself to death. Alright that's it everybody. That's the podcast. I'm gonna watch the the blues game. We'll see what happens here and go fuck yourselves and I will check in on you on Thursday. Alright, see you. Music So So So So you