Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-24-18

Episode Date: May 24, 2018

Bill talks with professional race car driver Danica Patrick.

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It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Whose phone is that? Is that my phone? Believe it or not, I am at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway here in, what is it, Bloomington? No, Indianapolis, Indiana, and Speedway, Indiana, and I have a very special guest, the lovely lady coming to the podcast, the one and only Danica Patrick.

Thanks. What's going on? You know, just taking in the sights and sounds. Hey, I used to work in a dental office with my dad, by the way, lovely dentition. Oh, right out of the gate. Fantastic. I don't know why. I've been doing the Invisalign, by the way, which I think is a, it's a great thing, kind

of straight down my teeth down on the bottom, but they make it seem like they're like, you're just going to wear it for like three months, and then you have like this night guard thing, and I'm finding that it isn't, you kind of have to wear these things for the rest of time or else you go right back to having like snaggle teeth. So it's kind of annoying. So they basically get you, they're like, you get so happy with your new smile, and then they lock you in because they're like, well, it must be your fault that your teeth don't stay like this.

Guess you're going to have to wear them forever. Yeah. So I'm going to owe this guy money, money, money, money the whole time. I should have known. I screwed up. So anyway, it's a good thing you have probably some what straight teeth or money. Yeah. I got a little bit of money.

I go out there. I tell my shit jokes or whatever. We just went around the track in a, I was saying this, this, this Camaro, the color of my pubes. It was a little wimpy that it was a, a convertible, you know, did you feel like that was slowing you down? I'd rather put the top down. Should we?

Oh, that would be great. We could put on some jewel, you know. Yeah. That's Sarah McLaughlin and just roll around and be doing, you know, 40 miles an hour. Yeah. I've done that one of the time and I was really nervous with the other person, but you have like this steely calm where you were cruising around. You just sort of like, you know, I'm trying to make my stupid, you know, you know, I'm

a dancing monkey. I'm trying to make my clown jokes and you're just looking over like, yeah, distracting. What? Dating, distracting as in you were sort of finding yourself like feeling and seeing and anticipating and getting nervous at any point or were you just like rolling like there was a couple of times you came close to the wall and I was feeling my face getting pulled towards the wall that I was kind of like, all right, I just kept thinking, you know, she's done this a zillion times and she has to work on Sunday.

So she doesn't want to wreck this thing. And then I was, of course, also thinking there's really no roll bar. This is just sort of a helmet. Yeah. Very high quality seatbelts. Hey, how come in Indy car like I noticed this year in Formula One, they have that ridiculous thing that's now it looks like it's in their in their line of sight. That little halo thing that they have going around.

They're testing it. Yeah, they're testing the halo, just, you know, being exposed is dangerous, right? So they're, you know, there have been drivers killed through things hitting them. Yeah, as a crash in parts of the car. Yeah, you never think that you think, oh, I got a helmet. The cars have a little wicker on the front of the cockpit where it opens up right in front of the steering wheel. Obviously have to be able to get in.

So it's clear. It's like a plexiglass piece. And that's what I'm looking through, basically, when I'm looking down the front straightaway. Looking at cars just before I get into the corner, I'd say I maybe look a little past it to the to the left when I'm when I'm getting into the corner. But for the most part, I'm looking through it. And that that thing gets so many like chips and bugs and all kind of stuff. Like I feel like I'm, you know, drunk by the end.

I'm like, I can't see what's going on. What's the scariest thing like accident you've been in? And like, you must at this point, as long as you've been doing it, had like a wheel or like, I would just think of a lug nut going, you know, 2000, 200 miles an hour coming at you. I mean, that's got to be terrifying. Let's see. My first accident in IndyCar was really big.

I ended up going in an ambulance to the hospital, like, you know, full speed. And I kept asking the nurses how if it looked bad, apparently I was obsessed with the idea of like, I'm alive, but it looked really gruesome, cool. And they reminded me that I had asked them three times now. And so I didn't realize that because I was being a little forgetful. So when you said, did it look bad, you're saying like, did you look bad? Like, are you all caught up? No, the accident looked bad.

Like, what's happened to the car? Did it look like catastrophic? Was it exciting? Was it, you know, did it look bad on a good show? Are you shocked? I'm here. You know, I realized when I came here, I went to this race in 95 and 96 I was telling you.

And, you know, I'm not going to lie, you want to see an accident. You want to see it. You probably, it's probably really annoying. That's like somebody going to a comedy club and wanting to see somebody bomb. But what you don't realize is you think you want it to be right in front of you because you're not thinking of the physics that like, I saw a guy hit the wall right in front of me, just really know what this tires. But it's just like, he hit it there and when all the, all the action was like immediately

a quarter mile down the track. So you want it to happen like a half mile up the track or however far. If you're really going to see all the, all of the action, I feel bad saying that to you, but I did. I mean, you want to see an amazing race. You want to see some passing. When I'm watching a race, I want to see accidents too. It's exciting.

Um, you know, it's, uh, that's why I used to watch chips back in the day. It wasn't for the banter between Paunch and John. It was for like the, uh, that giant pileup. I'm probably dating myself. You probably don't even remember that show. I think that show came out probably before you were born. It is the little tool, but I have heard of it. You know what's great about that is they'd always have like these freeway pileups and

that would go on for like a minute. And then in the end, there was always the guy that somehow got air and went over the top of it. And if you listen to the sound effects, he was still on the gas pedal, which was the funniest. You think he'd hit the brakes at that point in the air? There he was in the air. You know, I had to end up learning with, um, stock car racing because I did that for seven

years was that the best thing to do if you were about to, if you were spinning out or anything was happening was just mad at keep the wheels straight and keep it floored. Is that what mad? It means. Oh, mad. Pedal to the metal. Yeah. What is that like when you're driving that fast, everybody's spinning out, all you see

is smoke and you just hope you're hitting the hole. Yeah. I mean, it's like poke and hope, you know, you're just hoping that they clear, they clear away in the right. They're like, you know, when they, when cars crash, especially stock cars and when there's lots of them, um, because the pileups in stock car racing tend to be a little bit bigger than an Indy car racing, um, but, but either way, generally the cars, you don't know where they're going to go.

They're like footballs bouncing. You throw it and it hits the ground and you're like, God, which way is it going to go? That's how it feels when you're like trying to decide where to go based on the car. Like there was a car that crashed in front of me in practice and it hit the right outside wall on the right. And then I wasn't sure if it was like going to cut across the track somehow right in front of me. So I just kind of waited, waited, waited, waited.

And then as soon as you think you're clear, you just gun it and you just get by it. Oh my God. Yeah. Now, if they had you mic'd up, if I heard you on TV, you just, you just going, fuck. Exactly what I'm thinking before anything happens is, Hey, so, uh, what's the most? I'm going to just jump around here as far as like, I know you probably got a lot of shit for being a woman, you know, in this, you know, this is a guy's, I was with stock car was they, um, I'm just picturing them being more sexist because I'm a Northerner

probably. Yeah. Like when you showed up or they were like, what are you going to do here, darling? You going to ride around in the paced car? Did you get a lot of that? I did get people that said to me like, how are you going to handle these big cars? You know, and I'm like, a lot easier because they have power steering. Yeah.

Plus you're hot, but they're not harder to drive physically. They're much less physical to drive. Was it like one of those Hollywood movies? Did some guy like say a bunch of sexist stuff to you and then you beat him and then he had to walk up and be like, you know, if someone said a bunch of sexist stuff to me, I would beat him. You would. In some way.

Maybe verbally. Probably start verbally. And then I don't think it would escalate to anything physical, but I would verbally abuse them. Now, did that ever happen? Maybe. I don't want you to name names. Yeah.

I'm not going to talk about. Do you remember a quote? I'm just kidding. Do you remember a quote? What's what? What did you say? Well, I do remember there was a quote a long time back from you've got an F1 hat on. Bernie Eccleston said that women should be wearing like white like appliances and be

in the kitchen or something like that. Oh, he said that. Yeah. I was stupid. I wonder if he's happy. It's funny. It's always I think all that stuff's funny because then what it does is it creates drama or drama.

Then you go out and you beat the person and you prove them wrong. Right. I don't really take it that personally. I just don't. It's interesting. It creates some drama and something to talk about, but I don't take it personally. So now you're going to and I'm really jealous about this is you're going to retire. I think that's awesome.

Yes. I know. I think it's awesome, too. I'm super excited. I'm like, you know, I there I don't know how it feels for you when you walk out on stage or for you do this with me or I don't know how you feel when you interview somebody. But I'm just excited to be gone from that stress. Like I'm excited to have I'm excited for less polarizing sort of emotions of, you know,

so happy and so so scared or so mad or so sad. But you can die doing what you do like my job is the most fun job ever. It's just getting there because all I think is if I retired, I would be I would never go to LAX ever again. And that's amazing. Right. I would never have to connect through Heathrow, which is one of the worst experiences I ever had.

I had to get off, go get my bag that I checked and then like get on a bus. There was like three forms of transportation to get to a whole the whole other side of the airport. I just ever since then, I was just like, I'm never why do they kiss? Why do they kiss? We're standing right we're right on the finish line is these tourists. They're kissing. That's the thing you do after you win the race is kiss the bricks.

Oh, you do. I don't, you know, everybody's looking at them watch. He's going to walk across it. You know, he went to the men's room people autograph it to probably autographing it right now. Oh, you can sign it. I guess you guys just wear it off after like three laps. Yeah, really.

And they leave with the dream that it's still there. One day if you ever go to that race, you're going to see my name right down there. So yeah, she ran over my name. How often do you like beat yourself up after races? Would you I should say? Yeah, every one of them for the most part. Yeah. I mean, you're always thinking about what you could have done better.

I feel like that's the nature of a competitive mind of someone very driven. Like I'm not just what's what's the worst as far as like as far as racing goes. I would think you're leading with like two laps to go and then somebody gets around you. You run out of gas. Running out of gas is not your fault really. So I would say that's the lesser of them unless they told you where does the gas guy go when you run out of gas. Does he just leave the whole does he immediately get fired?

I mean, I feel like I could do that fuel and, you know, pulled the, pulled the fuel, fueling hose out too soon and didn't get it full, something like that. It would be him. Now, if it was your engineers not putting enough in or not taking into account what was going on and not telling you to save more than it was them. If they told you to save fuel and you didn't, then it was you. So it could be a series of, of understand what after the race is like. It's like, all right, there's a giant finger.

Where are we going to point it? A little bit. Yeah. A little bit. So, you know, given the fact that the driver has the most amount of decisions to make come race time with passing and restarts and nailing pit stops, getting into your pit box. Well, getting out of it, you know, all pit out, just you name it. Like there's so many different things.

The driver has the most amount of things that could be their fault. I would say that generally before the race, it's probably a little bit more on the team, you know, preparing the car and then of course working on it, engineering it and making sure the changes are good and getting the balance right for race day and anticipating the weather conditions and, you know, how that'll affect the car aerodynamically. So those, those decisions become theirs. But then in the race, you know, the driver has a little bit more weight on the shoulders. What would you have to do in the pit crew to get fired?

Like how many times can you screw up? So that guy short-fueled you, right? Well, you're probably not going to get fired till after the race. But actually that's not true. There are, there are times where pit crews, let's say somebody falls out of the race or sometimes it'll be the middle of the race. I think I've seen this before with like Jimmy Johnson or something, you know, they'll swap pit crews in the middle of the race and just be like, you know what?

We need your pit crew. You can take ours. Really? Yeah. Wait, they switch with different drivers? Different, different guys changing the tires for the, for a different driver. It doesn't matter. Tires or tires.

So if you, so anytime I watch a race, if I see somebody run out of gas, the fuel guys fire if it's his fault. Probably not. But you know, it's probably a little like baseball. Yeah, you can only, you can only give up so many home runs before you're going to go back down to the miners. Yeah, there's only so many strikes you get against yourself. All right.

So you're, you're going to retire after this race. And then you mentioned you have, you have your own line of wine. Is that how you say it? I have my own, I have my own label. I make my own wine. I make jungle juice. No. You're a big drinker.

I'm a big drinker. Slime a couple of bottles down before you get out there on the track. Just take the edge off. Yeah. Loosen up. I can't imagine. I don't even want to take like a Tylenol before I go out, let alone. It seems just going around in that rental car.

Who's kidding who? Glorified rental car. We just went around and like that, that would be, you know, you said you were going twice as fast as this, uh, you know. We're going half the speed of what I'm doing in a car. And there's some right on. Yes, it seems like it's a pretty terrifying sport. Yeah.

Probably don't want to be drunk. Yeah, I would think that. But yeah, I make wine. So I bought a, I bought a property in Napa Valley in 2009. Smart. And just dirt and then planted a vineyard. Oh, it wasn't a vineyard. You just started from scratch.

No, started from scratch. How do you figure out how to do that? I had a lot of help from who was my friend at that point in time, a wine maker. He is my wine maker now. So, um, you know, I met him at, uh, it really goes back to why I started it, which was. Was that a fall out or something? Did you not step on the grapes enough? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, he's still my wine maker.

It's all good. I met him back in 2006 on a vacation there. And, um, he worked at quintessa at that point only. And, uh, he was, um, you know, he, he was just happened to be there that day. It was during sort of the end of crush period. So it was November time. And it was a cool, nice, beautiful morning. And, you know, the valley's got a little bit of fog in it.

And, you know, it's kind of, you know, pulling back down into, toward San Francisco, into the bay. And, you know, I'm sitting there on this beautiful grassy knoll, overlooking the vineyard, rose petals leading out to this place. Sounds like a romantic comedy. Oh yeah. It's, it's, uh, it's not going to get real funny though. Unfortunately, it's going to, going to get more serious and a lot more expensive.

High pressure system. So, yeah. So, um, I just stood there and I thought, man, this is just so cool. Like how amazing would it be to have something like this someday? And that I, in my mind thought this was 50 million dollars. I don't know. What do I need to do this? And I thought I don't have that kind of money yet.

And, um, and then I really believe that I was like, look, I'm, I'm, I might have 50 million dollars someday to be able to do this, but, um, but I, I started slow. So went back a couple of years later and looked at some properties and Aaron Pott is my winemaker's name. Aaron kind of helped pick it. Aaron Pott is your winemaker. Yeah. So you might want to grow something else too.

It's legal, isn't it? Yeah. Is it on a state level? It's weird on a state level. Okay. And then if too many people grow it in your state, then you have too much product and then you can't ship it out because then it becomes a federal offense. Once you go across state lines.

Why do you know so much about this? I don't know. I'm not really a pot smoker. I'll do it occasionally. Like when I'm not drinking, I just, I just get bored being me, you know? So I just don't, I, I, what I like about drinking is I feel like I earn getting buzzed where, you know, drinking whiskey. It's like, you got to get it down.

You know what I mean? Give me another one where just like a man at the end, you're like, I drink all that whiskey. Not even that. It's just like, I feel like, uh, like weed smoking. It's just like getting fucked up with like training wheels on. It's like, you don't have to work. You just a couple of puffs, especially now with the stuff there.

I mean, I don't know what the old stuff was like, because I never tried it to like, uh, my late thirties and, um, all it does, it just puts me, they take two puffs and then you just kind of like the two seconds, like, ah, this is kind of cool. And then I just fall asleep where booze, um, I don't know a little bit of a slower process. You can kind of enjoy the growing, the, the, the escalation of the buzz to, and I also know where it's going. I know, okay, if I have three of these, I know kind of where I'm going to be at. How fast I drink them.

And it's not like you take one sip and that's one. It's the whole drink. You have many, many sips of enjoyment. You can have a whole conversation instead of like puff, puff, pass. And then all of a sudden you're like, well, wait. Yeah. You're seeing stuff now. Like it's, it's two.

You just sit there. I remember from high school, basing out, right? Is that what it's called? I don't know what it's called. I thought basing was smoking like coke. All I know is I got a buddy of mine. I don't know anything about drugs. I've never done drugs.

Yeah, no, you can tell. You can tell you still got the glow. Look at me. I look like a little curmudgeon. I got a buddy of mine. He's like, uh, he's a year older than me. And he actually kind of stopped smoking weed because he's just like, dude, I miss the old stuff.

You know what I mean? You just sort of smoked it. You felt all right. He goes, now it's just like you take two hits. You're like tripping. And I think that's just because there's so many people growing it now. And they got to have theirs be like more intense and stronger than the next. Yeah, I know.

All I know is there's just a big thing with sativa. Somebody needs to make the Pinot Noir of weed then. You know, was that something a little lighter, something you can sort of smoke all evening, maybe or sporadically through the evening? I don't know. It's a lighter red wine. You just sold the hell out of that to me. You know what?

My wife wants to go up there. So like what's the difference between, uh, is it Cabernet Cabernet Cabernet and Merlot? Merlot. Well, you know who ruined Merlot was that guy who played pig vomit in, uh, in the Howard Stern. Well, I can never remember people's names. I don't remember. I felt like the same name as the guy who ran a league.

Can't remember his name. But remember, he said, remember, he was in that movie. He's like, I am not drinking Merlot sideways. Yeah. I don't remember their names. I, uh, there's Paul Giovanni. Paul Giovanni. Yeah.

So everybody who did no shit about wine like me, I was thinking like, Oh, Merlot is like this. That's like, I'm not drinking any fucking Merlot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So Merlot went down and literally affected sales of Merlot and Pinot Noir went up. Pinot Noir went up.

What is your favorite? You like a pinot? I make a cab. I make a cab. And then we decided last year, um, to use the cab to make a rosé, which turned out amazing. We sold out of that really fast. So luckily we're going to be able to make more next year than we did this year. And, um, then I have a Savignon Blanc coming out as well that, um, we,

I purchased scrapes for that one from Knights Valley. So. And what is, uh, what's the name of your wine? It's a Latin word. So every time I say it for the first time, people are like, what? But it's not that hard. It's, uh, the name of the wine is called Somnium, which means dream in Latin. Um, because I told you about my little dream about like having a owning of owning something

like Quintessa someday, right? Something like I'd love to have a winery and I'd love to be able to do this whole experience and own it and make it. And yeah, it was my dream. And so it's a Latin word for dream. So like insomnia or. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, you're making me want to buy a winery.

You can just pop by mine and, you know, be happy to ship to you whenever you like. Maybe I'll just do it in my backyard. I'll have a couple of bushes of grapes and I'll just make my own wine. I'll just say that I'll just podcast. I got to figure out how I got to figure out a way where I don't have to go to the fucking airport every six days. There's got to be some kind of technology where you can see someone somewhere else. I know and talk to them.

I know, but you can't do that. Well, we could never have ridden around Indianapolis Motor Speedway at half race pace if you weren't here. So yeah, if you want the experiences and you want the connection, I appreciate you going the extra weight. Mile. Then I did that. I'm horrible at math.

I don't know the extra 1200 miles. There you go. Oh, I'll from LA. Yeah, whatever. I took the red eye. I took the red. Still counts. Those miles still count.

What are they? They're punishing. What other sports? Do you sleep on a red eye? Can you sleep on airplanes? Yeah. Yeah, I can. I do.

But usually you want to get the window seat so you don't get that tap. You know, and you're like someone's got to go up and go to the bathroom. But I had the aisle seat. That'd be me, by the way. You got a weak bladder? I like I just drink a lot of water. Speaking of, it's a great idea. You drink a lot of water.

Why? Because it's really good for you. Okay. I wasn't challenging you. I was just asking. Yeah, you got this way. I wasn't trying to pass you. I work out a lot.

So I do a lot and then you work out a lot. Is that what you do? What else do you do? I sweat and race cars. And just generally a sweaty person. You're not one of those people that you don't do that. What is that stupid thing? Beak rum yoga?

No, the people where they got to run down the street so you know that they're working out. What do you call that fit bit? What do you call that shit? It's a new kind of working out. Where you run down the street? It's usually like a garage door. They have it open and they're making all kinds of noise and then crossfit. I do that.

Can you say why do you get a run down? Judge, judge. Why do you get a run down the street? Well, because you needed to accomplish your 400 meter run. That's part of your workout. Don't you just try to run by people sitting down eating brunch to make them feel guilty? Because every time I sit down, I get a little extra quarantine. If you had gotten done with your workout already and we're at breakfast,

you'd be thinking to yourself, I've already done that. But instead you're feeling guilty. Yeah, but I would want the person to know that as they ran by me. It's a little self reflection moment. You see somebody working out and it reflects back to you that you're not. I think you blame the victim. One of us is blaming the victim. One of us is being a jerk here right now.

And I have too much video to think it's me. I feel guilty when I see somebody working out thinking to myself, I could do a two a day, right? I do two a days as often as I can. But I'm like, man, wish I had more time to work out. What is your workout? Crossfit, mostly. I do crossfit.

What is crossfit? I mean, it's basically. Scream and jump and jacks. You know, the way that the classes are usually structured. They're an hour and the beginning is some kind of a warm up. Some kind of to shake it out. Some kind of maybe a gymnastics move. And there's a pike position.

I already can't do this workout. Then there's usually an Olympic lift that you work on. So deadlift. Wait, wait, is that what you got to like squat all the way down and put it back squat? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just understand your professional driver.

So I get that. And then there's the actual workout part. And the workout is between. Oh, geez. Anywhere from like five or seven minutes to 25 minutes. That's pretty much what the workouts are in crossfit. They usually range around the 12 to 15. Why would a regular person like me ever want to put that kind of weight up over my head,

squatting down, blowing out my knees and then trying to blast up? Like, what is that going to do for me? As don't you want to kind of like take it easy on your body? Well, I mean, I mean, I get your professional athlete. You know, weights and impact on some level does actually strengthen your bones. Who said that? The people who make the weights? Because you got to look to see where it comes from.

Because like in my lifetime, eggs have been good for you, bad for you. And then good for you. Yeah. So I feel like cigarettes. I did you watch what the health? No. God, I watched that and I'm like, I'm just going to die tomorrow. Oh, yeah.

As far as everything that's in our food, right? 00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:15,200 Oh, God. And they told you sugar wasn't bad in that one. They're like now eggs are like smoking and, you know, sugar is just fine. I'm like, I'm so confused. Who is putting this shit out there that's confusing me? That's why you have to read both sides.

There's no way sugar is good for you. No way. If eggs are bad for you, I would have died 10 years ago. I eat two eggs every morning. I love eggs. Yeah, they taste too good to be bad. But Cinnabon tastes good too. And I feel too good when I have animal meat.

So I can't imagine how that's bad. It's a byproduct of the sun. If it's not made by the sun, you shouldn't eat it. I do stand by that. It sounds good to me. I'd have to sit down and work that out. Like, I mean, an animal is a byproduct of the sun. They eat the grass that's grown by the sun.

Vegetables made by the sun. Right. Fruits. Now, is your, is your, you know, by the, for the most part, is your, are your Cheerios made by the sun? I love Cheerios, but then refined. But I put, I put bananas on top of it made by the sun. That's better.

Maybe go for the whole banana and maybe some almond butter with it. Oh boy. I just literally felt you in my kitchen. So we, yesterday, critiquing what I was. Oh, it's that I would definitely do that. You might want to add a little almond butter to that. You pasty fat fuck.

So weird. You're not. You are pasty, but you're not. You're not the other one. Oh, because I'm turning 50 next month. So I said, at least I got, I got to, I got to get myself in good shape here. You look good.

You look, you look like you're in shape. So don't, don't, don't. You said you look good and then you looked away. You went, you look good. You just sort of looked down. You don't have to look down. And I was like, you look good. So I get on the airplane tomorrow with a bunch of people

headed to New York to do media day for the Indy 500. You have to leave here and then come back. Yeah. Well, actually that was Monday night. Gosh, sorry. That was Monday night after practice. We, we went and so there's food on the airplane. And so we're kind of like handing it out, you know, here.

Why can't those lazy bastards come out here? I mean, football, they don't have to leave where the Super Bowl is. Right. Actually, every driver went, there, there were like one or two drivers in each location, but there was like 34 drivers out in America doing media, spread it out. Because if you put it on TV, you know, it's not going to leave the state here, right?

Yeah, that's true. You got to go where they're at. Well, yeah, there was a lot of local TV done, I'm sure. So anyway, I get on, we get on the plane, we're handing the food out and then they're handing out like the dressings and the bread rolls. And they're like, anyone want bread? And I'm like, I look back and I'm like, you know, there's

absolutely nothing in that, the, the nothing in that food that's going to help you. There's zero. It's like no nutrition. It's nothing. You told the other drivers? No, I told that. Well, there was, they weren't, there weren't any other drivers.

They were just, it was a few guys, a few girls on the plane. No, it's just people from NASCAR or people from IndyCar, my people, whatever. So anyway, um, yeah. So anyway, I told the girls that they're getting their bread rolls. I was like, there's nothing in that that's going to help you. Nothing is going to, so you were talking about coming into your kitchen and critiquing your food and whatever else.

This is, this is what I would do. So anyway, I told them, I went on a long diatribe of all the things that I, all my opinions and thoughts and feelings and well, I got to admit, and you know what? They didn't eat it. They didn't eat it. There you go. And we started talking about chia pudding and somebody had it

for breakfast the next day and they were very excited. And I was like, I'm so proud of you. What is chia pudding? Well, it's chia seeds mixed with some kind of a milk of some sort. What are chia seeds? So chia seeds are the little tiny little balls. And when they, when they come in contact with the liquid, the outs, they puff up almost like a chia pet, like chia pet.

But like a, like a tapioca kind of thing where they, they get like a little gel membrane around the outside of the seed. And so it becomes more like pudding. I just felt like I was on the $10,000 pyramid and you give me all these clues and I wasn't going to guess. Okay, this thing, it, it kind of makes itself bigger. You just add, is it a grain? Liquid and it, it's not a grain.

That sounds absolutely discussed. Pudding is gross in general. Chia seeds. I hate pudding. It's just like, it's like, it was going to be something and it quit. Halfway before it got there, it just feels like. It is kind of boring until you put stuff with it, like fruits and, you know, grinola and crunchy things.

I'm a whole, I'm a big fan of the, obviously my life is filled with just dualities of, you know, super stressful, super relaxed. Like there's me meditating and then there's me going 235 miles an hour. And then like food wise, I like sweet and salty combined, crunchy, creamy combined. I hate that. Yeah. You hate that? That's salt and the ice cream fucking drives me nuts.

You know the, I was in, I was telling the story out there. You wouldn't want like a salted caramel ice cream. What's wrong with you? No, and I don't want like a candy bar. Survey says who would want a salted ice cream? Salted caramel ice cream. Yeah. Exactly.

It's just because they like you. Well, now you notice it's because I'm going to give them salted ice cream, salted caramel ice cream. It's part of, it's, that's like a generation gap thing. Like I went in to get a, an ice cream the other day. I was in San Francisco and it's one of these artisan places. Oh, sure. Like pistachio goat cheese, whatever.

Yeah. They had, they had chocolate rose petal or something. I was like, what happened to just chocolate? What, what is that? There's no way they put rose petals in there. That's gotta be something. Yeah, they do. They have rose water mists and all kinds of things.

You can extract the oil from rose petals. It's very expensive. So I bet it was the most expensive one. Did you pick it? No, I ordered mint chocolate chip. I go, do you just have mint chocolate chip? And they go, no, it's not in season. It's like you, it's not in season.

Yeah, you make an ice cream here. You're killing people. Anybody that's ever grown mint knows that that never dies. Oh, so it's always in season. It's a weed. It might as well be a weed. It might as well be a weed. I went over to Walgreens.

And I'm pretty sure chocolate chips don't ever go. I don't even have a season other than all the time. See, I needed you there for your knowledge. I need a little earpiece to say that to them. So I just went to Walgreens and I walked in and they had a pint of the mint stuff and I just bought that. And the thing would kill me was I didn't want to eat the whole pint. But now I had to because I bought it, you know.

And I was taught not to waste by my mama. I'm with you. I don't like to waste food either. It was really killing me to leave food on the airplane last night. And I was like, maybe I'll eat the salad. Never mind. I'll just leave it. You just give it to the drug dogs as you walk out of the airport.

That's what I do. Oh, I pet them. That's what I do. They still scare the shit out of me. I don't have any drugs on me. So I'm confident that I can go pet them. I don't either. But what if the dog's having a bad day?

What if it was just a just, you know, it messed up. Then all of a sudden it starts staring at you. Whatever the hell it does. Well, when it's really mad, it won't stare at you. Have you ever raced in Singapore? No. All right. I did a gig in Singapore.

And that's where like they, you know, they put people to death all the time. I have never been so terrified walking through customs. Like I made sure I looked through my bag like a thousand. I don't even do drugs. But like you get like the death penalty over there. I think if you have like a chance. Something abroad, like where you get locked,

locked up abroad. Yeah, that made me not want to travel. Seriously? Yeah. But people kept doing such dumb shit. What thing scare you the most? What do you get the most? The ocean.

Really? Is it the fish? Sharing my feelings. No. The ocean. Um, let's dive deeper. I would say, yeah, the ocean. The ocean is my number one fear.

Falling overboard and just sitting there without a sharp object where I could just stab myself in the neck before the sharks get there. And then kind of go under and bleed out real fast. Well, yeah, because I was sitting there looking at like saltwood sting at Hawaii. Well, I mean, I don't think it would sting as much as a tiger shark because they come up and they take a bite out of you to see if you're edible because they're like, what the fuck kind of fish is that? Then they take a bite.

I wasn't that bad kind of out here in the middle of nowhere. All right. I think I'll go back in for the second and you just sitting there and your head's above the water. It takes three bites to know if you don't want to eat something. So it does. I can see what you're saying here. Yeah.

No, it's just it's absolutely. So you're scared of sharks. I'm scared of sharks. I'm scared of that aloneness of just being out there. So when you try, so do you not like being alone period? Like, are you one of those people who's always got to have a buddy around? No, I'm a total loner. I love being alone.

I like drinking alone. That's cool. Yeah. Cool, I guess. No? I actually drink alone. You know what? I drank alone by myself after qualifying.

I had a good qualifying weekend. You know, come back. It's been seven years. I qualified seventh. Like, I was just pretty good. So I go home and everybody wanted to go out doing stuff. And I'm like, I just, you know, like, no. And I try to see if somebody wanted to go and then they didn't text me back.

So I was like, you know what? So I sat by myself and drank a glass of my own Somnium wine. Yeah. Because then I said to my parents afterwards because I'm staying at my parents' house. So, which is just funny. I said, hey, I took some of your wine, but I did one that I took one at least that I could replace for you. So I drank alone.

I know the feeling. Sometimes it's just relaxing. It's nice. It gets a little weird when you go to the second glass. I'm not going to lie to you. Yeah, you're kind of like, wait, what am I doing this for? Stuff like you're in barfly. My buddy DeRosa was telling me that he goes, I love drinking alone.

Joe DeRosa made it okay. So if he's listening, I want to thank him. But, oh, getting back to my diet, I didn't get to tell you. This guy, Dean Delray, you've just seen him like maybe three years ago. He looked like he had been like the stereotypical like a cop. That's what he looked like. Like he'd been, you know, just sitting in a cruiser, eating bad food, tacos and donuts and all of that.

And he got diagnosed is having like the diabetes that you can get rid of, whatever type that is. A good one. Yeah, he went on like this. He actually listened to the doctor. He read up on nutrition and he lost all of this weight. He doesn't even look like the same person. He went from like almost 200 pounds.

And he's a little shorter than I am. I'm almost five, 10. Sometimes I lie. I lie on my driver's license because I'm five, nine and three quarters. I got to bump it up, right? That's okay. I'm five, one and a half and I'd write that if I could. Yeah.

So what do you say to your driver's license? I have one, I think it says. I'd rather be, if I'm going to be short, might as well be real short. Go ahead. All right. I'll say five. So he looks better.

He lost a bunch of weight. He looks amazing. And then now he's gotten a bunch of us comics on the diet. So what every morning I basically I'll have like steel cut oats and then a couple of eggs over easy, which evidently are going to kill me. Then in between I'll have like Ezekiel toast, which is the devil is the way it tastes.

But you just put almond butter. And that's all right. And then Keenawah. Keenawah is the shit. Keenawah. Yeah, I say Keenawah. Keenawah. I also say nuclear.

Keenawah. I say all the words. A mother of grains. It has a lot of protein and fiber in it. It's actually a seed. It's not a grain. You want to five bucks? Because I bred it on.

Let's look it up. What do you say? Look it up. Tell me. I want to know because I think it's a seed. In my diet. I'm dairy-free, grain-free, gluten-free, bean-free.

And so if this turns out to be a seed and not a grain. I don't know. Even though it's called the mother of grains. Oh, it is? Yeah. Listen, once a podcast. Do you just want to give me the $5 now? Once a podcast, I make a complete ass of myself.

And I think that this is going to be it. Okay. Well, we've got like six people in here. They can probably look up whether or not Keenawah is a grain or a seed. What's the verdict? It's a seed? Bam!

Oh my god. Five bucks, Danica Patrick. I'll take that in crisp singles. I swear to God, somebody give me some milk here that I can drink for that victory. Look at that. No way. I just blew your mind.

I wish you guys could see the look on her face right now. I love it. I need to see it. I love it. What the hell? Hey, the proof's in the pudding. That's a callback, sweetheart. Keenawah, seed or grain.

Keenawah is a seed that harvested from the species of a plant called goosefoot. It's officially a seed and part of a group of pseudoserials making it neither a grain, neither a cereal nor a grain, and more closely related to spinach and beets than to cereals or grains. Holy shit. There you go.

That's it. I'm going to have mine blown. I'm back on the train. I mean, look. I think you need a glass of wine right now. Oh my god, I do. I need a glass of wine and some, you know, the Pinot Noir of marijuana, apparently.

I got to be honest with you. I think this, I've been doing this podcast for coming up on 11 years. I think this is the first time anybody's ever learned anything. This is like a legendary moment. I know you have. When before this airs, can you like lay in some triumphant music in the background and make?

There's no production quality. This is all this is. Well, listen, I know you have to get back to racing. I cannot even begin to tell you what, as far as like a fan of racing, like what a thrill that was. Every time we went down the straightaway and I saw whatever you call that thing when they show the leaders and all at the tree there.

I mean, this is incredible. Thank you so much for doing that. I'm definitely going to get some of your wine. Can people, you got a website where they can order it? Yeah. Somniumwine.com. Yep. You got to spell it for my listeners.

S-O-M-N-I-U-M. It's phonetic. It's just a weird word. Somni. He really didn't spell it for them. In fact, actually, on the front of the bottle, on the front of the bottle, there is the breakdown, like syllable by syllable,

is underneath the word so that people can pronounce it. I'm definitely going to get some of that. And what should I go with? What do you think? Get the pinot? It's cab. No, I don't make a pinot. I don't really like pinot, actually.

Okay. I'll get the cab and I'll get the rosé, because I love a rosé. Yeah, and the Savignon Blanc. Round it all off. We've got summer, spring, and fall, and winter covered. I'll drink them all by myself in my hotel room tonight. All right, Danica Patrick, everybody,

about to retire driving her last race. I'm so happy for you that you're doing what you want to do. Thank you. Yeah, that's awesome. I got relaxed listening to your retirement plan. Don't forget, hosting the Espeys, and I'm scared. I'll host in the Espeys. You're telling me all the keys to the kingdom for that one.

Yeah, having never hosted an award show. You said, make sure you drink before you go out there. Take a shot. But not for camera, for yourself. Yeah, take a shot of Jameson. If I fall or if I just completely lose my train of thought, basically, if I end up saying boom goes the dynamite, it's because I'm drunk.

There you go. Just relax, smile, have a good time, make funny yourself. If a joke bombs, make fun of the fact that it bombs. Just be in the moment. You're going to be great. You're going to be great. And at some point, I hope me and my wife can get up. What is the name of the wine?

I'm a booze guy. Where's the wine place? Somnium. No, no, no, no. Napa Valley. Napa Valley. That's where the wine is, everybody. All right.

Thank you for listening to the podcast. Hang in there. We've got a little music here. And then we'll have a half hour greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, earlier in my life. So anyways, I go to the airport and I'm taking the red eye, taking this 1055 flight non-fucking stop

because that's how I do it. All right. I'm on a good plane. Why would I want to get off it and switch and roll the dice and get on another one? You know, let's just fucking get there. When I drive up to San Francisco, I don't pull over and fucking Burbank

and then get in another car. We get it, Bill. All right. So I get on the fucking plane, right? I use my miles, bump myself up like a fancy person. You know, maybe I invented the cheesecake factory people are thinking. And then they see how I'm dressed and they go,

oh no, he didn't invent the cheesecake factory. And I go to go to sit down on my seat and I go to set my bag down. I was going to set it down right in front of me and the nice fella sitting next to me goes, why don't you stick it in the middle of this room? And he moved his bag out of the way. I'm like, all right, this guy's a solid dude or whatever.

And then all of a sudden the waitress comes by, stewardess, whatever, she comes by, flight attendant, whatever the fuck you're supposed to call him. She comes up and she, could I get you a drink? And I was like, yeah, can I get out? Let me get a water, please. Ice or no ice? What?

However you make it. Stop acting like it's a fucking martini. It's all right, just give me a water with ice. Thank you. And the guy next to me, he orders a doers, neat, no ice, no nothing. Just put it in there. So they bring our drinks, all right?

And I'm really thirsty. So I start sucking mine down and he just throws his back like it's nothing. Like fucking John Wayne, right? Before he's going to turn around and beat up three guys, three mustachioed guys in the 1930s, right? So I'm just sitting there and everybody's getting on the flight, you know, and I'm looking around at the passengers,

you know, fucking doing whatever I'm doing. And all of a sudden the guy next to me, Mr. Doers goes to me, he goes, excuse me, he goes, are you afraid to fly? And I looked at him and I was like, what? He goes, are you afraid to fly? And I go, no, no, I'm not. And he goes, he goes, all right.

But you know, he goes, it's okay, you know, it's okay to tell me if you're afraid to fly. And it's immediately getting weird. And I'm like, no, I'm not afraid to fly. And then I'm thinking in my head, wait, is he afraid to fly? And that's why he's drinking the way he just drank. And now he's hoping that I'm going to be afraid to fly. So he, you know, he just wants to open up.

That's what I'm thinking. And I go, I'm like, yeah, no, I'm not afraid to fly. And he won't leave it alone. He goes, all right, because you know, you're, you're, you're fidgeting, you're looking around at other passengers. And I'm sitting there looking at like, is this guy fucking serious? And I go, no, I go, I'm not afraid to fly. So now I'm like, fuck this guy.

I'm not talking to this guy for the rest of the flight. This guy's weird, man. It's like 30, just get paint the picture. He's like 32 year old, wiry in shape, but like wiry white dude. He's got a scully cap on with fucking glasses. You know, and he goes, like, there's like a minute of silence and people still getting on the plane. And then he goes, hey, sorry about that.

Sorry, we just, we just got off on the wrong foot. He's like, my name's so-and-so. He goes, what's your name? And then I'm thinking in my head, like, what's my name? My name's Frank. I wanted to give him like a, but I just, somebody's, I just wanted, it's Bill. And he goes, oh, hey, Bill. And he goes, nice to meet you.

So we shake hands and I'm just looking at, I don't have any poker face. I'm looking at the guy like, what the fuck is your problem? I'm not even trying to not, I'm not trying to be pleasant. I'm already done with this guy. So then the guy goes, oh, hey, Bill. He goes, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? Right? Like he's fucking interrogating me.

And I, I'm like, is this guy fucking serious? And I start doing the math in my head going, wait, is this guy like an air marshal or something? And I'm like, no, he's not. He's fucking slamming booze over here. Fuck this guy. So I just go, I go, look, I don't, I don't have to answer your questions. That's it. And I just looked straight forward.

He goes, okay, now I'm concerned. Okay. I am concerned. And I'm looking at him like, concerned about what? He goes, you're fidgeting. You're, you, you have issues with other passengers and blah, blah, blah. He starts painting like, like this, like he's been, I don't know what the fuck, like psychologically breaking me down.

All right. So now just by this point, they've closed the fucking the door to the fuselage and we're starting to taxi. And I just finally look at the guy. And I, and I go, I go, you know, I came up with the fight. At one point I literally stick my hand out because he kept saying I was nervous. And I stick my hand right in front of his face and I hold it level. Oh, that's what I did the first time.

Yeah. I, I hold it level. I go, I'm not nervous. And he goes, well, anybody can do that. And that's when I was like, fuck this guy. I'm not talking to the guy. Sorry, I fucked the story up. Then, then he, then he came back, got my name.

Now he's going, why are you going to Indianapolis? And I finally look at him. I say, listen, pal, I'm drinking waters. You're drinking doers. Okay. There's no issue over here. And then he goes, it wasn't doers. What she gave me wasn't doers.

Really? What was it? Some sort of spy juice? You fucking jerk off. This point I want to punch him right through his fucking stupid, wiry glasses. Right. So he's going like you look around hostile and I said something that just ticked

him off. I was just, yeah, dude, I go, I don't have to answer your questions. All right. Leave me alone. And then he goes, he goes, he goes, he starts going like, okay, now I am really concerned right now. He goes, why are you going to Indianapolis? And I just look at him.

You know where I start doing? I start doing like this Ryan Gosling. You know, that little smirk that fucking Mona Lisa smile he has as he smirks his way through all this fucking movies. I do go, I go full on Ryan Gosling. Now I'm not talking to this guy and I just keep looking at him. And I give him that little half of smirk and I just shake my head. That's my game now.

That's, this is my, it's like, if you're going to be a dick right now with your fucking delusional authority, right, that you're going to say like, we're in fucking Guantanamo and you're going to waterboard me. There's no water. There's no board. Go fuck yourself. Here's my smirk and I'm just going to shake my head at you like you're a fucking pathetic human being.

This is what I'm doing. All right. And this is the funny thing. I'm such a dick. All I have to say to the guys, I'm a comedian. I'm going to do a sold out show there and that would make them back off. But I'm a dick. I'm like, fuck this guy.

I want to see where this is going. So now he's all fucking amped up and he starts dropping. You know, he's saying the F word. He's sitting there going, if you don't, he goes, if you don't fucking answer my question, right fucking now, I'm going to hit that call button. We're sitting there taxiing down the fucking, getting in the line. I'm going to fucking hit this fucking button if you blah, blah, blah, blah, and I'm just fucking Mona Lisa smile smirking, just shaking my head like you

are a fucking retard, right? So now he's, he's saying the F word so much. The lady who's sitting in front of me, diagonally in front, right in front of him, turns around and looks at us and now my heart's racing. I'm like, where's this going? This is going to be great. I am a hundred percent fucking innocent. This guy's drunk and I think he's going to hit that button.

Oh, I got a feeling he's going to hit that button. What's going to happen, right? I want to see what the pilot looks like. Let's see where the fuck this is going, right? So he goes, if you don't fuck, he starts, he starts bringing his hand up to the button, going, I'm going to hit that button. You don't think I'll fucking do it? I'll hit that button and I'm sitting there smirking at him, thinking in my

head, go ahead and hit the fucking button. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens, right? So finally, now he wants to hit the button and he can't fucking find it. And it's in, in defense of him, I couldn't find it either. I was looking up there. I half wanted to hit it myself. Then he finally, he finally finds it and he hits it, right?

And now I'm just like, holy shit, what's going to happen? And he's sitting there going, yeah, huh? You want to fucking play this game? You want to fucking play this game? And I was surprised. I mean, it took like fucking like 30 seconds before a flight attendant, the one who gave him the booze, which evidently wasn't booze, comes over. And at this point, we're like doing that shit where we're behind a plane.

We're almost ready to take off. Like we're pulling up and then stopping, pulling up and then stopping as planes are taken off. So she goes, yeah, what's the problem over here? And he goes, I'm not comfortable to fly with this guy. This guy, he's fidgeting. He's looking around at other fucking people, blah, blah, blah. He's doing all this thing, right? And then the stewardess looks at me and I'm just sitting there fucking, my little smirk

just shaking my head. And I just looking at this dude just shaking my head like this guy's out of his fucking mind. I don't say a word. And this guy goes on and on and on about his fucking psycho babble about how I'm this security risk. So she goes to, so she goes, okay. Any other passengers? Have you noticed anything? She's talking to everybody first class at this point.

Has anybody noticed anything odd about this guy? And the lady who was sitting right in front of the dude diagonally from me turns around. She goes, yeah, I've been listening to this guy berating this other passenger. She's on my side and I haven't said a fucking word. This is great. And I'm just sitting there smirking. Then the little stewardess looks at me and I shrugged my shoulders like, I don't know what to tell you.

So finally she said, sir, do you have anything to add to this? And I just said, look, I'm just a guy trying to go to Indianapolis. This guy over here, he starts slamming his doors. I kind of felt like a rat when I said that. I go slamming his doors next thing you know, he's dropping the F bomb to me. Then I'm thinking, oh fuck, I just said bomb, right? Fortunately, nothing happens. So now another fucking, the male stewardess comes over right now.

He's going like, what's going on? And the captain of the fucking, now at this point we've pulled over and the plane has stopped. 250 people trying to get to Indianapolis and jerk off over here can't hold his fucking alcohol. Who just watched Person of Interest every, every, I guess, evidently, I have no fucking idea. Now the plane is stopped. This fucking jerk off has stopped the plane interrogating a goddamn comedian. Like I'm in the fucking Taliban and like he works for the CIA, right? So now we're just sitting.

And the captain is up front in the plane like saying to the stewardess is going, basically relaying, do I really have to fucking come back there? This is the last flight of the night. Is there really a goddamn problem? And that was the VOD. And they finally said to the douche sitting next to me, are you going to be okay to fly with him? And at that point it appeased his fucking ego that he was somehow in control.

And he goes like, you know what? Okay, it's fine. It's fine. And it'll be fine. It'll be fine. So they go, okay. So now the plane's going again. And now we're, now we fucking come around and he's sitting there fucking.

He's in my ear. And at this point I am lap like the fucking laugh you hear me doing the podcast. That's what I'm doing. And he's sitting there going, oh, he goes, you know what? I'm glad. I'm glad. I hope you fucking do. I hope you fucking try something.

I hope you fucking try something when we're up there. I really hope you fucking try something. And I'm just fucking like, gut busting, laughing, shaking. Like, what are you going to fucking do to me? What are you going to do to me? How are you going to punch me in the face? You fucking wiry jackass.

What do you have fucking glasses on? You know, that's a federal offense. You're going to go to jail if you do that or something. I don't know what, right? So I'm just sitting there fucking laughing at the guy going, I actually at one point I put my fucking little eye pill thing on, you know, like I'm going to sleep. Oh, I had that out too.

When the stewardess was talking to me, I was like putting it on as this total mind fuck. Like, I don't know what this guy is. I'm just trying to go to Minneapolis. I'm going to sleep. And so I got, I got my fucking eye thing on, right? As he's sitting there threatening me, just, I was going with total passive aggressive.

It's like, dude, I'm so not concerned with you. I'm literally putting a blindfold on. All right. So this fucking guy, he starts going, he goes, hey, he goes, you think you fucking won this? You think you fucking won this? He goes, my, you know, my dad is, my dad, he started saying his dad's some major CEO in Indianapolis.

Doesn't sound like a fucking made up story. I swear to God, this is all true. He goes, my dad is some, a major CEO in Indianapolis. And I will have you fucking arrested. And the lady turns around again. I will have you fucking arrested the second we get on the ground. I'm thinking like, for what, for what? Sitting here, you fucking loser.

Learn how to hold your alcohol. All right. And he starts describing the view that I'm going to have when I go to jail, like some fucking law and order episode. Oh, you're going to love it. You'll be able to see Lucas oil field and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just sitting there cracking up laughing. And then there's this pause, right?

And I'm thinking, finally, he finally shut the fuck up. It's like a three, four minute pause. He finally just gave up because I wasn't giving him anything. I was just laughing and shaking my head. I was being a dick to him. I was because I was enjoying it. And then there was like a three minute pause. And then all of a sudden he just goes, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?

So we're like 20 minutes into the flight. And I gotta be honest with you, my adrenaline was so going during all of that. Because I knew I didn't do anything wrong, but I thought we were literally going to go back. And there was going to be fucking cops there. And if like, if, if, if the fucking stewardess or the pilot asked me who I am and where I'm going, I'm going to tell him, I respect your authority. You're just some jet. I don't, you don't have any fucking authority.

I don't have to answer your questions. It was pro was one of the most. Fun experiences I've ever had with another human being. Like when somebody thinks that they have power and you know, they don't, and all they can do is try to just keep bluffing and raising their voice and start cursing at you. And if you just start laughing at them, the look on their face is fucking priceless. So the last thing he said, he said, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? Right?

And I fucking started howling, just fucking holding my stomach, shaking my head and with my fucking eye pillow thing on, right? And I know I'm going to get a ton of shit that I wear one of those. I, they're fucking underrated. Get the one at Brookstone where it's literally a pillow. I'm telling you, you could fall asleep 12 noon facing the sun. It's awesome. So anyways, like after he asked me what, what, you know, where you're going to go,

you're like, there was like a 10 minute, like probably 10 minutes had gone by and I can't fucking sleep because it's so funny to me. And I can't wait to tell the story to every comic I know. I can't wait to try it on stage to see if it's funny or whatever. So finally I just like, ah, fuck it. Maybe I'll just get on my computer and I bring up my eye pillow and I like, I got to look at the guy because I know he's fucking staring at me waiting for me to do something, right?

So I lift it up. I get my fucking Mona Lisa's smile going and I look over at the guy and dude, he is fucking passed out. He looked like he got shot. He was sitting there like his head was just hanging straight down. And anytime the plane moved, like his head was, I mean, he looked like he got knocked out. And for the rest of the fucking flight. Oh, what's Matt Damon's character? Jack Ryan, old fucking Jack Ryan over here is just, you know, the sky marshal.

The fucking booze bag and God knows what else he was on. He was just completely out, passed out for the rest of the fucking flight. And this is why I'm a bunch of dick I am. I was having so much fun with this guy. I start, I can't sleep. So I start slamming waters because I want to have to get up and take a piss just to see if this guy's going to freak out because this security risk is getting up. And this, the joke was on me. He never regained consciousness and then I really had to take a piss, but I'm such a stubborn fuck.

I was holding it because I wanted to make sure he was awake when I got up because I was going to give him a little smirk. And then I was going to get up, see if he hit the call button again. Um, but he didn't, he didn't wake up till we hit the ground and, um, and then it's funny. Then he woke up and it was like four hours later. So now he had kind of slept off, whatever the fuck this guy was on. And I'm sitting there smirking, waiting for the guy to start talking. And he won't look at me. And I, and I think at that point he kind of fucking realized that maybe he got a little, uh, a little extra little too patriotic.

So we stop, we stop at the gate and everything and we're going to get up. So I grabbed my shit, I get up and I'm just kind of looking at him and he won't look at me. And then the lady who was sitting in front of me had this big smile on her face. She goes, how you, she goes, how are you doing? And I went, good, I go, that, I go, that was an interesting one. And I said it really loud. So the guy heard and he didn't say anything. And this is what he did to try to save face.

His pillow was kind of stuck behind, was kind of stuck behind his shoulder in like a weird place. So he was frustrated with it. So he, he ripped it out from behind him and kind of threw it down on the floor. And went like, try to do some caveman grunt to try to still have some sort of, uh, I don't know what. So, so that was my flight to Indianapolis people. You know what, how far into the fucking podcast are we? That was a long, that was a long fucking story. You

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