Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-25-17

Episode Date: May 26, 2017

Bill rambles robbing banks, custom underwear and slavery.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I am just checking in on you. Okay? No bells, no whistles on it this week. I'm just checking in on you.

See now everything's going, hoping you're having a nice week. I'm having a lovely week. I've been doing a bunch of, what do you call it there? Season for F is for family that comes out next Tuesday at midnight on Netflix. Season two, 10 episodes of the Murphy family on Netflix. Please tune in. If you enjoy it, please continue to watch all 10. If you enjoy all 10, please tell your friends and have them watch it so then we can do a

season three. Three, three, three, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll see what happens. It's been such a whirlwind of breath. What the fuck did I do yesterday or two nights ago? I was at something. I wore a sport coat. I do know that.

I have absolutely no recollection where I was two nights ago. Last night, we went over to Netflix's new building. They're taking over the world. The new building and, oh, I know what I did. I know what I did. It was for Emmy consideration. They had the thing there and you sat there on a panel and it was Judd Apatow, Chelsea Handler, the woman who created friends.

I can tell you right now, if I created friends, I wouldn't have come out of the house again. I'd have so much goddamn money. I would just be sitting in there with the biggest drum kit ever and I'd have a fucking helicopter. I don't know what. I'd be it. I'd be all fucking weird. I'd be like growing my nails, not cutting my nails.

You know, I'd be Howard fucking Hughes and it was me and then the guy from the Santa Clarita diet. It was pretty cool. You got to sit there and everybody's like, tell us, you know, when you're creating your show, what is it that you do when you're creating the show? Is there any other stuff in the show? Is it based on you? Is it made up or is it something else that we don't know altogether?

And he answered all the questions and you hope you get out of it unscathed, which I think I did. Sorry. So what's funny was I actually wore a sport coat and then Mike Price, co-creative of Ephesus of Family, the great Mike Price from The Simpsons, who I could not do Ephesus of Family without him. He was dressed casual. So last night when we went to the new Netflix building, they're taking over the world.

I said, all right, I'm not going to, I said to me, I go, you know what, I'm just going to wear a fucking button down, blah, blah, and as I pull in, Mike Price has a jacket on. I go, you want a fucking jacket? Now I'm the bum. So we were laughing about that and everybody else had on a jacket. So I just looked like the fucking artist showing up like, Hey, man, I just like roll out of bed, man.

And you know, whatever I'm feeling, I just put it on, man. But we sat through two episodes, the first two episodes, it was a friendly though. You know, everybody pretty much in the crowd was on the show and they were laughing, having a good time. So I hope you guys enjoy it. I was on Rich Eisen yesterday. I don't know if you can go to some richison.net and watch it. I had a great time.

So thank you to him. And then I did Bill Simmons had a great time on that one. And I got coming up next week. I know I'm doing Craig Ferguson was the greatest special I've ever seen. I'm doing his and there's something else. Let me look at my phone. I should, I'm trying to promote these things before I do one that would probably be good, right?

Rather than telling you after I did them. I mean, that would make sense, Bill. The whole thing about promotion is let people know something's coming, not that it came and went. Oh, I know. I actually, I have a gig for the California Highway Patrol boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo,

boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo boo, boo, boo, boo, boo boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo boo, boo boo, boo, boo boo, boo, boo, it's, you know, I've never been successful, but I've never gone to jail for it, it's because I am a white male, you know, and I might get in trouble for this, I might lose

some of my privileges if I let nonwhities know that I've actually on six, maybe seven, if you wanna get technical. First time it was, I made a joke. But on six, six and a half different occasions, I made an attempt to rob a bank, I was caught, but knew the cop when they were coming in, five out of six of those. Another time, the guy was like, Oh, you look just like me. Hey, let me go. Those were all true stories. And you can add those to the, to the non fake news in your life. I flew a fucking helicopter this morning, been getting back into it. I'm up over 120 hours. My auto rotations are looking okay. Last week they were fucking horrific. Put the collective down, fucking nose followed

it. And I didn't go aps cyclic. And it was like, Oh my God, am I gonna die getting good on the radio again? I got this great fucking app. If you want to listen to anybody else, there is into aviation or something. I just, you know, because you don't want to sound like a fucking moron when you're making your calls, which, you know, I do want a regular basis. There's an app called live ATC.net. It's really cool. And you just click and you can listen to whatever airport you want. I was listening, you know, when my flight's taken off, you know, I don't care about was it magnetic deviation or whatever the fuck it is. For my cell phone, or was it magnetic something or other? Reparation, I can't I

don't remember all I know is I'm going back and I'm going through all my ground school again trying to remember all the shit I'm reading about fucking weather. And I'm having a great time getting myself back to where my skill level was right before my lovely daughter was born. And I don't know, I'm totally into it. But the only thing I don't like about those Robinson's is that the mass bumping in the low G pushovers. And someone was telling me today that they had a fully articulated rotor system. We didn't have to fucking deal with that. And for those of you who don't fly a mass bumping is basically when the blades attack the mast and break off the helicopter. If they don't get bent and then slam into the

cockpit and cut your fucking legs off for you right in half, you know, that could happen. So that happened on those Bell helicopters, I guess that they had in Vietnam. And you can't, you know, when they would fly low to the ground, they'd go up the hill and, you know, because they were trying to stay at the tree line, so they wouldn't get shot at their way up in the air and they would just fly and they'd go up the hill. And then when they would dive down the backside, that's the thing when you push forward with the stick like that, you're not supposed to do that in a semi articulated rotor system. What happens, let's see if I can remember. Basically what happens is the main rotor is still

spinning, but it's no longer producing lift with the helicopter, right? It's sort of in this low G thing. So what happens is, is if it goes counterclockwise, your main rotor, your, your rear tail rotor is going to be on back behind you on the left. And so you're, it's still going to be compensating for the torque that the main rotor is no longer producing. So it's going to push you over and you're going to roll over to the right. And what's fucked up is as you roll over to the right, the way to get out of it is counterintuitive. You would think that you would move the stick left, you don't, you move it slightly back aft, you go aft to reload the main rotor to get back underneath it. So it's just fucking watching the ground coming up on the right. Like I don't want

to go there. You, you move the stick like you want to do a backwards somersault rather than roll back up. It's completely fucked up. You got one chance to do it. If you pull back too fast, I think he chopped your tail off. So there's that, which is why I don't fly. If there's any sort of wind, I don't fly. But you know, there's a danger with anything that you do. If you're not risking, are you really living? I have to get on Instagram and I have to become some sort of motivational comedian. That's what I want to do. I want to start giving you guys nauseating fucking life lessons you know, as I'm leaving a gym or a fucking juice bar. What is with all these fucking cunts on on Instagram acting like they're trying to inspire you? It's, you're not, you're trying to show me

what great shape you're in. Hashtag doing this one for you guys. The fuck out of here. Instagram whores, male and female. All right. So the Celtics, they won a game. Holy shit. Holy shit. So what we have game five tonight, which every Celtic fan knows that we are basically eight quarters away. If we can survive the next eight quarters, we are eight. No, actually not eight quarters. The next 11 quarters, we are 11 quarters away from Kelly Olinik taking over this fucking series and getting us to the finals. I know Isaiah Thomas is out. I know they got fucking LeBron. They got Kevin Love. They got all these motherfuckers. I understand. Okay. Do you know what Boston has? We got hot. That's what we always have. Never have explosive speed. We have a strict no explosiveness

with all our draft players. If he's got a quick first step and can dunk, we're like, no, pass that guy on. What can this guy do? Look like he's going to trip over his own feet and he's white. Give me that guy. You always happen. And then we got the, like the, the bruising black dudes, but we just never have those above the rim guys. We just don't have explosive guys. You know, Isaiah is, but you know, he's like five foot eight. So all I'm saying, okay, but you know, Crowder, he's going to get a say, you know, something younger kids though, brown Bradley, those guys, I love how Bradley keeps trying to dunk on LeBron. He keeps missing the fucking rim, though. That wouldn't, I like that guy. So anyways, I don't know what I'm talking about.

All I know is the remaining Celtics, just all you got to do is get us to the fourth quarter in game seven. All right. And then the garden's going to come alive, Cali, Cali, Cali, and he's going to hit a fucking zone. And I don't know what's going to happen. He's going to be so in the zone. He's not even going to need a headband anymore to keep his, his locks out of his face and he's just going to fight. I don't know. He's going to start draining threes and that's going to be all she wrote for the land. Okay. Anybody want to put money on it? I'll put money on it right now. If we can somehow survive the next 11 quarters, Kelly, that was not a fluke. Everybody thinks it's a fluke. I'm telling you that man has ice water in his veins. Arctic fucking polar bears

swimming around in his fucking veins, microscopic ones. I'm telling you the thing is he's just bored. He doesn't give a fuck about game five one through four or even game six or even the first fucking half. Actually, no, he had a good game game seven. We just have to get to game seven and the man that I've always been confused as to why he was on the team. I once again got hit with a cold bucket of reality of bill. You're just a standup comic. You don't know shit about sports. Let Danny Ainge make the calls. And if Danny Ainge says Kelly Olenek is the fucking man that I, I'm standing down. You wait Cleveland. I know you're fucking nervous. You are, you are so scared that we are somehow going to win game five and game six without Isaiah Thomas. Well, Kelly Olenek gets dunked on and

people go right around up. You fucking wait, man. We get to game seven. It's over. That man shows up to play. All right, I'm an idiot. Anyways, Kelly, Kelly. Let's let's move on to the predators. Holy shit. Hey, anybody in Montreal, the Montreal Canadian fans, did you notice that the guy that you traded for because he was too flashy? You know, you didn't like his personality, P.K. Subban. It was really your front office on this one, but I'm going to blame the fan base. Yet another former Canadian leading a team to the finals. Leading a team to the final was my front door. By the way, if you wonder what that beep was, I didn't leave the refrigerator open. I'm so hoping that the predators win the cup because

the Bruins will never catch the Montreal Canadians and the amount of Stanley cups they have. So all I can do is tease them about the guys that they got rid of and that then went on to win cups elsewhere. Is it petty? Oh, I think it's, I think it's very petty. Who do you like tonight? Game seven, game seven, Penguins. Penguins versus the fucking Ottawa Senators. Where is that game? Is it in Ottawa? If you're in Pittsburgh and you want to go to the game, you can probably just walk up to the gate and buy a ticket. God knows, it's a transient city. You know, it's a capital. People don't give a shit. They're from other places. They're Calgary fans that live there, Edmonton, Bluejackets. They don't give a fuck. They're not going to the goddamn game. What do you guys think?

I actually, for some fucked up reason, I think, I think Ottawa's going to win only because, I don't know, the Penguins have had a little bit of gold tender issue there. That's the only reason why that's what I'm guessing. The 10 seconds that I paid attention. Why do I talk about sports right now? I'm too fucking busy running around doing podcasts. You know what, I was so busy last week, I forgot to read the questions. So let me read this. Here's another person giving me shit about Bill's fake news, Delta rant, Billy fake fucking news. I was listening to your podcast from last Monday as I was sitting on a Delta flight heading to Los Angeles from Austin, Texas. Was that pertinent to the fucking story? And one of your readers brought up the

Delta Airlines incident where a dad was threatened to get kicked off and jailed if he didn't stop complaining and fall in line. As I was listening to your useless fucking rant, still a huge fan, I noticed how uninformed both you and your reader were on the situation. All right, tell him out here. First of all, if you guys are going to come at me with uninformed and fake news, are you new to the podcast? I don't read. I just commented on four fucking series. I've probably watched three minutes in my job is to make you laugh. It's not to get facts. What the fuck you think you're listening to here, sir? I could have easily Googled that and figured out what I was talking about. Don't come at me like you're some sort of road scholar. Like I'm impressed that you're going from Los

Angeles to Austin, Texas. Are you going to keep it weird, man? When you get to Austin, Texas, Austin, Texas is one of the most overrated, overpopulated fucking cities in this goddamn country. You know why? Cause LA cunts like you keep moving there. Well, actually, if you did your research, you'd realize that I'm not from LA. You're am I from Austin? Let me tell you something, buddy. I'll give a fuck where you're from. The mere fact that you're dumb enough to try to get fucking accurate information from this podcast and you think that I'm uninformed, I used to do a radio show called uninformed with, with Better Call Saul's star breakout star, Joda Rosa, the teen idol sensation, sensation from the now defunct Opie and Anthony program.

That's what really broke up Opie, Anthony and Jimmy. It was the sheer star power of Joda Rosa coming in once every 16 weeks. They just all had to go their separate ways because when they came back into the studio, when they looked at one another, all they could be reminded of was, was the, the force of Joda Rosa's talent. All right. You want to look that one up there? Going one year flight from LA to Austin. He said, as I was listening and blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay. I know it's okay. First, the seat that, that, that the dad was bitching about being sold to another passenger was actually his 18 year old son seat. All right. Now, where did you get this at delta.com? Cause they're not, I don't trust these guys either. I don't trust you either. How

do I know you're not fucking Eddie Delta, son of Ulysses Delta, who fucking started the airline, who we put on an earlier flight by buying a separate ticket instead of notifying Delta that he was changing his son's flight to an earlier flight. Doing this, he thought he could magically have an open seat to him for his toddler who was under two, but that wasn't the case. Jesus, this guy's spreading the semen out, huh? He's got an 18 year old in the toddler. There you go, buddy. Keep banging away. You see, when you decide to put your son, don't fucking go, you see, like you're fucking talking down to me. You dumb cunt. All you did was research it. My job, sir, is to make people laugh. That's it. My job is not the fucking, I'm, I don't have fucking time to figure

shit out. What am I still in school? I got in this business to not have a job. I'm going to sit here and research your guys fucking emails. I don't care what you write to me unless it sounds totally ridiculous. I'm going to treat him as long. I've also flown a lot and I've noticed that they don't give a fuck about you. I remember one time I was on a flight and they had the intercom on so goddamn loud. You needed like earplugs and I said to the stewardess, I go, is there any way you can turn that down a little bit? And she just goes, no, I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing we can do about it. It's like, you're telling me that they installed an intercom system without a volume knob and it was at full blast. That's what you're telling me. Sir, why are you being difficult? I'm not being

difficult. All right, with your fucking crooked toes. All right, you see, when you decide to put your son on an earlier flight by buying another ticket while not telling Delta, they assume that the 18 year old son did not make it on his original flight because he didn't check in and they weren't notified that the dad bought a completely separate ticket. So they gave the seat away to a standby passenger per standard protocol. Also FAA regulation disallows a child under two to sit in a standard seat without the proper child seat and harness. So there's another thing that dad got wrong. You can't have a child with a different name sit in a seat that he sold to your 18 year old son. All right, fair enough. Imagine all the issues this would cause if we allowed for anyone to use any

ticket that was issued in someone else's name. His mistake was that he didn't check in and notify Delta and should have paid the change fee to send his son on an earlier flight with the same ticket and then buy another ticket for his toddler. If he had the proper safety harness for the toddler, tickets are not transferable to another passenger. I'm not defending the flight attendant who I thought said some things that were inappropriate by threatening jail, etc. That's really what I was commenting on, buddy. All right, that they're sitting there acting like he did something in the Pentagon. However, the dad was completely wrong to think he can somehow put his oldest son on an earlier flight home and then use his original ticket. Well, this guy,

he's got an 18 year old Natulia. He's too busy fucking without a condom to research all of this. How about having a little empathy for him, sir, on your Los Angeles to Austin flight? Fucking jackass. What is the oldest son's, which is, okay, put his, okay. However, the dad was completely wrong to think he can somehow put his oldest son on an earlier flight home and then use his original ticket, which is in his oldest son's name. How many times are you going to say the same thing on the two year old toddler? So he and she can, he or she can sit in that seat of Delta in a little while. Just wanted to clear up your fake news rant. You misinformed cunt. Good. Everything's fake news. It wasn't fake news, sir. It was just me trying to make you fucking laugh.

Okay. That's all it was. Okay. I'm glad you researched and cleared all of that up. At the end of the day, at the end of the day, I'm just here to make you laugh. Okay. So please, people, for the love of God, all right, and stop acting like, you know, I can't do what you just did. Okay. Girl stabs boyfriend and avoids jail time because it was damaged her career. Now, what am I supposed to do here, sir? Am I really supposed to fucking sit here and research this as if someone's going to go to jail with the jokes that I do? Or should I just take it at law so I can get on with my fucking life? Here's the deal. Why don't you got, why don't you be the fucking the fact police? All right, I'll do the rant the next week. You can correct me. That was

my uninformed show. I did with Joe DeRosa. We just pick a topic. We'd go off on it. We'd be completely wrong. And then we'd bring an expert in. That was literally the show. People would learn things. And there was laughs to be had. All right. Girl stabs boyfriend and avoids jail time because it would damage her career. Hey, there, Billy Beatz. I'm sure a million people tweeted and emailed you this article. I actually know they did. Or maybe they did. I don't know. This girl stabbed her boyfriend, but the judge agreed that any sentencing would damage her future career in medicine. Jesus Christ, go fuck yourself. All right, let me, let me read this here. Go to the page. Oh, here we go. Click here. Oh, this, this is UK news. God knows this probably happened in America.

I find the UK people love to fucking. Did you see this that happened in your country? You guys are all fat and stupid. All right, here we go. Oh, Jesus. Oh, well, I see what happened. She's got this little angel smirk on her face. Aspiring surgeon, Lovina Woodward admits attack, but judge deferred sentencing because of her extraordinary talent. What? He blew her back in his fucking chambers and Oxford University student who's whiter than my fucking legs stabbed her boyfriend with a bread knife. Okay, it's a bread knife. May not go to jail because it could damage her prospects of a medical career. A court has heard. Well, what's her training in? Maybe she could have stabbed them and sewed them up real quick.

Aspiring hat surgeon, Lovina Woodward 24 punched and stabbed her boyfriend during an alcohol drug field row at Christ church college. This isn't on the guardian.com. Is this credible? So she's on drugs and she's drunk and she punched and stabbed her boyfriend. She admitted unlawfully wounding the Cambridge University student who she met on the dating app Tinder. All right, well, not to blame the victim, but what did he do? You can do that with men. What did he do? Judge Ian, they're always named Ian over there. Ian Pringle, Nigel or Ian QC sitting at Oxford crown court. Oh, this is like the school court. Is that what it is? Did she go to trial at the fucking school that's taking her money? I don't know, said he

would take an exceptional course and deferred sentence for four months, hinting that Woodward would not be jailed because of her talent. It seems to me that this was a one off. Oh my God. This was a one off drunk, drugged up stabbing. Is that what goes on in England? If you go to Oxford, they give you one free pass as long as it's a bread knife and not a steak knife. A complete one off to prevent this extraordinary, extraordinary able young town young lady lady from not following her long held desire to enter the profession she wishes to would be a sentence, which would be a sentence, which would be too severe. There's some fucking judge speak to enter the profession she wishes to would be a sentence,

which would be too severe. He said, that's sounding fake. That sounds like somebody trying to sound like a judge. What you did will never, I know, leave you, but it was pretty awful, pretty awful. That's an understatement. And normally it would attract a custodial sentence. She's got to be a janitor, whether it's immediate or suspended. He said Woodward, who lives in Milan, Italy, but the mother stabbed her then boyfriend in the leg after punching him in the face. Oh, it was below the waist. So that's a Mr. Meener, right? She then hurled a laptop, glass and jam jarred him during the attack on the 30th of September last year. The court heard she was in court to hear the judge's comments. The court was told that

Christ Church would allow her to return in October because she is that bright and has had articles published in medical journals. Dude, do you realize if this is true how fucked up this is? That then they have the trap car that they drive down to impoverished areas and they leave it on with the keys in it and the door open. Why don't you fucking help somebody out down there? You got to be white as a ghost going to fucking Oxford and they know they're going to make a bunch of money off you, giving out prescription drugs someday. Well, all right. Anyways, Woodward will be sentenced on the 25th of September. She was given a restraining order and told to stay drug free and not to reoffend. Hey, if you don't mind, could you stay away from the person you

stabbed and lay off the fucking pills or whatever the hell he said she had taken a Spoken for Christ's church said, I'm afraid that Christ Church does not comment on the circumstances of individual students. I'm a little confused if that was a, I would think that that would make it to real court, not just she's a little thing to fucking lunatic. I bet she's an animal in the rack. Yeah, I mean, that's power for the course. I mean, women do not pay the same fucking price, you know, white guys get away with shit that black guys did. There's all fucking, there's all different. Before you do the crime, you really should just do the math and be like, what am I? Oh, what's up, sweetheart?

She's coming in here. Yeah, I can't be funny without cursing. You can't bring my lovely daughter. Is that my daughter in there? My daughter? Um, am I watching her now? Is that what's going on? No. Oh, you're coming to hang out? Oh, you want to be on the podcast? Hey, listen to this shit. Some woman punched, stabbed and threw a laptop through a window and a drug and alcohol fuel rage. And they gave her a suspended sentence because of her extraordinary talent in the metal or pretend it could damage her career in the future. She's stabbed in the laptop. No, she stabbed her boyfriend in the leg. Oh, get over here with a bread knife. It was a bread knife. You know what the fuck? Nia Renee Hill, you know, you want to make a bumper sticker. You know what? That's good. You

can't go around stabbing people. That's right. You can't go around stabbing people even if it's with a butter knife. So what is it? They let her off. Why? I'll show you what it is. That's what it is, Nia. Oh, because she's white. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Damage her career. Oh, go fuck yourself. With her little, the little, a little blondie white girl in a moto jacket. That says innocent in this world. Yeah, exactly. Okay. When she actually kills somebody next time, we'll see. You can't kill some of the butter knife. She'll use it. She'll use this fucking steak knife next. She's crazy. Is a butter knife a gateway to a steak knife? I believe so. I believe if you're willing to pick up a butter knife, you're willing to pick up just about anything.

You conclude your case? Yeah. Can I, can I hear your closing arguments for this white lady? If you were talking to the jury, all right, you're in England. See, wearing a powdered wig. So it's even more creepily white for you. Go ahead. I have to wear the, I think everybody has to wear one over there. They're begging to dress up over there. I'm a king. I'm a queen. Ooh, I'm the Duchess. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I know that, what's her name? LaVinia. I know LaVinia, LaVinia Woodward looks innocent, but you're staring into the eyes of a psychopathic would be killer. That's all I got. Ah, man, I thought you were going to trash her. This wispy, wafy little white bitch. Yeah, can you break? If I tried to handle a nail file,

all right, from an airline mechanic to complete with, uh, to compete with cheapo airlines like Southwest or JetBlue, the majors need to oversell seats in the case a passenger misses their flight. When passengers miss flights, they essentially buy two seats for one, the one they missed and the one the airline rebooked them on. They do this to maximize revenue per flight. I'm against what United did because they could have paid someone one million for their seat and still not lost as much as they did. Unfortunately, entitled people want to pay for an Uber and sit first class. It's hard to balance enough profit to operate an A321 cross country, keep prices low and still try to run the airline like it did in the seventies. Flying isn't as prestigious as it used to be,

and everyone is looking for a way to save a buck. Love the show and go fuck yourself. All right, so evidently passengers are also, um, to blame. Well, let me ask, well, what was going on in the seventies that isn't going on now? Is there way more people flying? Did you guys go after bottom feeders so you have more airplanes, so you have more overhead? I don't understand why it was so prestigious back in the Ron Burgundy days and they treated you way better and now they just jam everybody, you know, in the back of the plane and try to put the seats closer together so they can get more rows. Did you say Ron Burgundy? Yeah, that's not a real person. No, but the error was like in the seventies. Okay. The Ron Burgundy seventies. What's the matter with that? What's the matter

with that, man? Um, I would say, uh, I want, why is that? I, this is really interesting to hear from people who actually work in the field. Like what happened? Um, what happened? Did the price of fuel go up so high? I don't get it. Why won't they just raise ticket prices because on the average person couldn't afford it. Well, good. Then get them the f out of there, right? Wait, what? Sorry, I don't know why I came in here. I'm really kind of checked out. All right. Well, you got, we got, you've been dealing with the kid all day who puked on me right before I did this. She didn't puke. It was spit up and it was just a little bit. You act like you're witnessing someone getting executed in front of you. Every time she spits up, you're like,

Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Like, oh, the humanity. I was sitting there and she was smiling and out of nowhere she went, yeah, it just fucking all came out. It's all warm. It's like somebody poured clam chowder on me and I was laying down. So when on my shirt, my belt, my pants, and it's just like, yeah, I think I had the normal reaction to somebody puking on you no matter how cute they are. How cute are you? All right. I hope that wasn't a bunch of silence there. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. I don't know. I see someone wrote you something about an article that I read. Oh, my family slaves article. Yeah. Yeah. That was an intense article. I want to, what does this person say? Can you read the

question? Yeah. That's what I was going to do. Can you not sit on the recorder again? All right. My family slaves article. Hey, Bill Bow Baggins, longtime listener, first time email. I read an article written by Alex Tizon. He's dead now. Okay. That shocked me, but didn't really necessarily surprise me and I love your cultural, your cultural perspective on it. Oh my God. This is so fucking long. In this article, this guy talks about his family owned a slave for 50 years, even after immigrating to America. They smuggled her with them and all that. They treated her like shit, never paying her, forcing her to sleep on top of laundry. I imagine it's the dirty laundry. Why would you want to have somebody and constantly beating her for the tiniest of errors? Only when

the writer grew up with an American identity that he realized with what they were doing to the poor woman, wasn't right. Did he and his sibling confront their parents over this? Hey, mom, you know, you've been being this lady who sleeps on her clothes. According to my teacher, that's not right. As a guy of Chinese descent raised in the Americas, raised in America, I've witnessed poor people like this firsthand growing up, visiting family back in Hong Kong. I'd see my cousin, their millennials, by the way, being tended to by a young Filipino girl, no older than her twenties. I never thought much of this back then. Looking back, it seems pretty fucked up. I asked my mother about these kinds of people and she simply said, that's just the way things are. These girls are poor, they

need to support their family and that's the only kind of shitty employment that they can get. Once my grandfather took me past City Hall in Hong Kong on a Sunday and I saw hundreds of young Filipino girls just sitting on the ground doing absolutely nothing. I asked him, what was that all about? He said that Sunday was their day off and they had nothing better to do than loiter. They sent all their money back home to their family so it's not like they could shop or go to a restaurant or anything. They ate and slept with their employers. I never seen my grandfather turn his nose up at a group of people like that ever before. My grandfather, whose parents were murdered by the Japanese during World War II. Oh wow, yeah, I've read about that shit. The

Rapinand King ever read that shit? They fucking Japanese went off and had to walk to the orphanage after finding out, Jesus Christ, I've had an easy life. One of the kindest, most empathetic old farts I know loved randomly huggling white people. He called them hellos because that's what they'd say to him. One of these people out. Here's the article. I'm just curious what someone like you raised with purely Western centric ideologies would say about something like this. Well, I mean, this country was kind of built on that. Yeah, I was going to say. This country was built on slavery. Yeah, I can't really step away to, well, we don't do it anymore. But yeah, obviously, I think it's, I mean, not now, but you should read the article. It's pretty powerful, that whole

thing, because this woman was given to his mother by her father and their Filipino and that's just, yeah, they were just like, here, this person is going to take care of you. So she kept this woman throughout her life. And it became her children's carekeeper. Yeah, because she didn't want to do any fucking work. And then she moved to America and be like, Oh my God, I got to take these kids out for a Sunday. No, no, that's again, that's just like the culture like this person is your nanny. And now like you inherit them or something like that. So it wasn't even as if she had, it's just part of their tradition. I have to be like all of that. This guy grew up. And then he realized that this woman wasn't getting paid and all this other stuff. And he didn't realize until

it dawned on him like she is a slave. And so he tried to make things better for her and her later life after his parents died and all this kind of stuff. Back rub. Yeah. No, but by that time she, you know, didn't know any other life. So she didn't really, she wasn't like, yeah, I've been waiting to go shopping at the mall like this whole time. This is so fucking sad. That's like when it's very like Dubai, Dubai, they tell all those people in East of there that, Hey, man, come on here and help us build all these beautiful buildings. You make all this money and get out of poverty. Then they get them there and then they confiscate their passports. And that's just slave labor that builds those fucking places. And then they like the number one, the only way to get out of it is

they like commit suicide. It's fucking brutal. Then you watch your shows and the big balloon titted horse go over there to buy a fucking bag. Not a fan. Not a fan of Dubai. Not a fan of Dubai. Why can't they be sinless like the United States of America? No, that's all horribly depressing. And I don't know what to tell you about that as far as like, I don't know how you do that to somebody. There you go. And there goes the comedy right out the window. I wonder why he, I'm just curious of why this person asked like, I'm curious what someone like you raised with purely Western centric ideologies would say about something like this. Again, it's like, are you forgetting that this is America that was built on?

Yeah, but I didn't grow up with that. So what he wants to do is get an outside perspective. It's actually an intelligent thing. You mean like, Hey, I'm not from here. I grew up here. But you know, I also have connections, you know, back there. So what do you think about this? And blah, blah, blah. You know what? I think, I think it's terrible. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that that's fucking terrible. I have so much more shit to read. You have to get out of here because you're just going to, you're going to prolong it. Oh, I thought you were only doing half an hour. I thought we were to get going. All right. Sorry. All right, real quick. Let's, let me, let me read this. Cool cars. Hey,

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Truth is our community deserves better, better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted. Find out more we can do at COVID-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. All right. Here we go. Here's some fucking advertisement before we play a little music and then play a greatest hits thing. All right. Five foe mention the importance of feeling good in your clothes. Oh my God, when I walk around in jeans, I want my fucking legs to feel great. Looking good doesn't need to cost a fortune. Five four club is revolutionizing the way men shop, not the ladies, the way the men do it.

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that is the podcast for this month. And I get, no, for this, for this Thursday, I'm all over the map here. Thank you for everybody writing in. And I like everybody writing in from aviation, defending the aviation land, defending your side of it. That's good. Fair and balanced, uninformed shit is what I'm all about. All right, that's the podcast. Have a great weekend. I can't say the C word. I've said every other damn word here in front of my daughter. Is that my daughter in there? Hey, I can't say, hey, sweetie. Give me a smile. Okay, there it is. Do you know only Nia can make her laugh? I'm bombing with my own daughter. It's devastating. This is what I do for a living. All right, enjoy the song

and enjoy greatest hits from a podcast gone in a Thursday from a long time ago. I'll see you on Monday. All right, let's read some of the, uh, the questions here for this week. Oh, we got an update. I love when there's an update. Remember last week, the, uh, the granny fucking water. Remember that story? All right. Here we got an update. Hey there, old Billy fucking water. I got an update for you on this one. Uh, the story has good news and bad news. All right. So last, last week, for those of you who didn't listen, I'll give you a little recap. There was some kid, uh, you know, he was, he's basically, he's engaged. He's getting married in six weeks. So he's over his fiance's house as his future in law's house or fucking parents.

That's all I'm trying to say, right? So they're playing some card game and evidently they're down to the final hand and he has, uh, the cards called granny water. I don't know what the game is or whatever. Some people sent me pictures of the card. The game does exist, but it's a really high point card or whatever. And he was laying down. Fuck. I'm yawning. Sorry. He was laying down his card last. And basically when he laid it down, he was going to do the old fucking right there fret. I won the game and, uh, he had the granny water card. And I guess in the end of the game, it's probably, you get it, you hold onto it and you played at a crucial point. So everybody's sitting there as everybody's laying the cards down, waiting to see who's going to fucking lay it down. So this

kid fucking finally his turn. He lays it down to be like, you know, like hitting the last second three. I just won. And because he listens to the podcast instead of saying, I got the granny water card, he goes, he goes, look, he goes, it's old fucking grant. Now he goes, it's granny fucking water and just screamed it to his in-laws. Okay. Who never heard this guy curse before and do not listen to this podcast. So they just stared at him like, what, what was that? What is my daughter marrying? Like he just completely screwed the whole fucking thing up. So he's asking me for advice. Should he bring it up? Should he not bring it up? All right. Now you guys are caught up. Here you go. He says the story has good news and bad news. The good news is my fiance's parents

were super cool about the whole thing. I bit the bullet and waited until we went over for game night again last night. I apologized, of course, and they said they initially just thought, why am I yelling like this? Fuck. They initially thought it was really odd for me to yell like that without knowing without them knowing the context. But once it was explained, my fiance texted them about it. It was no big deal. It was a huge relief. We played the game again. And every time someone played that card, they did the whole granny water thing minus the fucking in the middle. Okay, cool. He goes, so my embarrassment will be immortalized. The bad news is that I mentioned that you read the letter on the podcast. Oh, no.

You know what? You're one of those guys, dude, you just like, you just like stepping and shit. He goes naturally. They wanted to listen to it. I thought it wasn't a big deal because they lived through the story and your commentary was hilarious. I warned them about the explicit nature of your podcast and that there were plenty of fucks throughout. The fact that you did the granny water thing before it was even brought up was perfect. Everyone thought the story was hilarious. That is until the PS. If you recall, I may or may have not called Hillary Clinton a cunt. Oh, Jesus, that's right. You did. He goes, yeah, I know I'm a dumbass bill. My fiance just turned to me and said, did you write that? He said, my fiance turned to me and said, did you write that

with that look on her face? I knew I was fucked. So freckles, I did the only thing I could. I said, oh, sorry about that. I didn't write it. Bill's email screener guy did. Andrew did. He picks the emails each week, then writes the little opening line pun, and then sometimes throws in a PS to make them more entertaining. Why would you write this? Because if they listen to this, you're fucked. You know what, dude, I have no sympathy for you. So here we go. He goes, they bought it, so he just listened to the rest and we're laughing again by the end. So I threw Andrew under the bus on that one. I'm going to repeat my only good move from the last story and just shut the fuck up about it forever. In the end, all is well. Thanks for reading it on the podcast. It seemed to

help smooth it over. No worries. Just tell him not to listen to this one. He goes, by the way, I just bought tickets to your show, and I'm not going to say where the show is in case anybody's figuring out who the fuck this is. It's the week after my wedding and my fiancee slash wife by that point is coming to I'd love to meet you in person. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right, well, you know, I'll be hanging out after in Iowa. Just scream out. Oh, I just said where it was. Oh, well, you fucked granny water. Scream it out and I'll fucking say a low to you. All right, now everybody's going to do that. Hey, what's up? This is Bill Burr for some reason. The podcast that I

did on Memorial Day. I don't know. It hasn't been able to upload. So now what I've done is I've turned it into two parts because I think it's been, I think it was too long. So here is part one of the 54 minute Memorial Day Monday morning podcast. At the end of this one, you'll listen to part two. Huh? Yeah. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 25th, 2009. Happy Memorial Day to one and all. You like that? Is that one of the most happiest Chris Kringle ways I've ever started a fucking podcast? Yeah, happy Memorial Day. Thank you to all the all the troops out there who are serving who have ever served. And yeah, get yourself a burger today or whatever the fuck you're supposed to do on this holiday. What are you supposed to

do? Are you supposed to go to a parade? Isn't that what you're supposed to do? You know, I'm not going to a parade. I, uh, I'm not big on parades. I don't like them. I find them boring. Once I've seen the first band, I get it. All right. You're all basically playing the same song. It all sounds like the same song. And I hate when a big fucking college band starts playing top 40 hits like it's going to sound good. You know, like, oh, that's the way Beyonce should have done that song. She should have had 58 guys on a tuba and 26 guys on trumpets all playing that fucking, uh, if you like it, then you better put a rig on it with the fucking trumpet. You know, 28 fucking guys doing that shit. And then you're all fucking walking with the same feet. Hey, we're all taking a left at the

same time. Ah, go fuck yourselves. You know, I just like the drum line. That's all I like. Other than that, you know, parade music sucks. There's a couple of them. That's great. Watch everybody prance around and their red jackets with the gold buttons. That's fine. I'm all over that. But that's it. Once it's done, all right, let's drink now. Let's fucking fire up the grill. I don't need to see another one of those. Jesus Christ. How many more coming on next? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the girls choir with their little twiddle sticks. Whatever the fucking batons. You know, just standing there. My big forehead just burning in the fucking sun.

And what comes in the end? It's either Santa Claus or a fire engine. That's the end of the fucking parade. All those firemen sitting on the truck, fresh after banging a hooker, you know, or stealing the cash out of somebody's button down in a closet when there was a fire in the basement. You know, I love talking shit about firemen. Not because I don't respect them. I just love how they just have this fucking Dudley do right. People love firemen. They hate cops. They love firemen. You know, your house is on fire. They show up, right? You can't get stuck in a tree. Who comes running down the street in a raincoat with a fucking ladder? The goddamn firemen, they get a call, you know, they're not like cops polishing off a donut. They stay fucking slide down that stripper

pole and they get on the big red phone. Who the fuck doesn't like a fire engine? You know, I saw a fire engine fucking yesterday. I was coming out of the dog park with my dog and there was like three of them lined up and I guess they were doing some CPR core. I don't know what the fuck they were doing. They had one of the firemen, you know, he was, he was strapped down to a gurney. This isn't some gay shit. They were like, they were, they were, they were learning some sort of procedure, probably how to move someone who has got a spinal cord injury or whatever, but they all the fire engines lined up and I gotta admit, there's something, there's a little kid and everybody's, you get near a fire engine. It's fucking great. Big red fire engine with all that fucking chrome.

You know, I mean, who is a kid? Didn't want to be that guy at the back of the fire engine, driving the thing down the fucking street. You know what I mean? That's what I'm going to do someday when I get super famous. That's the perk that I'm calling in is I'm going to be, I want to fucking drive that thing down the street. You know, they take you on a straight way. You realize how much those fucking trucks cost? Yeah, well, I don't either. I have no fucking idea how much they cost. They got to cost a lot, right? You know, dude, you got to figure a fucking win a bagel. If you get a nice one, cost you 150 grand. Now, what if you had a win a bagel that could actually put out fires, you know, or save someone with the spinal cord injury? You know what I'm

saying? Like that, that would be, that'd be at least two under grand, right? You know, I wonder if I can fucking Google that right now. You don't realize today, if you click on F4, you get a, on your computer, at least on the MacBook, you get the calculator, you get the weather for the week, you get a calendar, and you get a clock, you know? I know that's basic computer shit. That's something I do here on the podcast. You know what? I'm not Googling that shit. There's got to be a fireman or two who fucking listen to this podcast, right? And I'm not trashing cops, by the way, either. I'm not. I'm just saying how everybody doesn't like cops because when cops show up, you know, either just got beat down by your husband, or you're getting a fucking speeding

ticket. You know, that's when cops show up. You know, firemen show up like, you know, they, they stick a ladder. It's like very romantic. They put a ladder up to your bedroom, and they just take you away from it all. You know what? Maybe I'll start that. Let's, let's start a new segment on this podcast where you actually, you got to tell a bad story about a group of people that only gets good press, like either firemen, what about the troops? You know, straight, you know, on Memorial Day, straight across the board, support the troops. Do you support the troops? Do you support the troops? You know, because I'm such a cunt, I've actually broken down supporting the troops, you know? I actually have so much free time that I actually sat there and I was like,

really? I just have to straight across the board support the troops. Every single one of them, you know, every single one, like there's not one asshole in the Navy that even his fellow fucking people in the Navy can't fucking stand. You know, there's some cunt right now on a fucking aircraft carrier who's just not pulling his weight. He's always fucking off, and he know, but he knows exactly when to fucking pop to attention when, when some, when some officer comes by, you know, there's not one douchebag in the Navy that his other Navy buddies aren't thinking of just pushing overboard. Give me a fucking break, okay? So I support the troops, but not the douchebags. How about that? I'm actually going to make that into a bumper sticker,

and I'll just have a camouflage background so no one will question it. Wait, wait, let me, let me break it down here. Where is the guy saying he supports the troops but not the douchebags? Well, I guess the douchebags must believe the people who don't support the troops. No, dude. The douchebags are the guys who are troops but happen to be douchebags. Okay? Let's not speak in absolutes here. Why the fuck would I say shit like that on the goddamn memorial day? You know what? I support all the troops, even the douchebags today, but on any other day, I don't, I, you know, I live in, I live in the real world here. I'm not, I don't live in a real world. Look at me. I'm fucking sitting here with an orange microphone talking shit to fucking

myself. I'm, I'm a realist. Okay? You know what I mean? Look at, uh, look at all, what's his face there? George Bush. You know what I mean? I bet people didn't think he was a douchebag. I bet he was a hot shit when he was in the fucking National Guard. You know? Taking weekends off when he's supposed to be there. He probably took you out on his boat. No, no, he didn't have a boat. He lived in Texas. Probably had a horse or some shit. Isn't it amazing how that, that guy just, he just fucking disappeared. You know, I didn't, I didn't agree with George Bush's policies, but there was just something about that guy that I just really fucking related to. You know what I mean? Like if I, if I stop being president, the amount of stress that has to be involved with that fucking

job, I got to tell you something, dude. The day that job was over, that's, that yeah, I'd be like him. You'd never see me again. Or the very least, I would take like, uh, God, you'd have to, you'd have to take at least five fucking years off. I know they told stories about how much that job ages you. And if you don't believe it, look at like younger pictures of George Bush, like how quickly you go gray. Same thing happened to, uh, to Bill Clinton, you know, or maybe they just stopped using Grecian formula because they, they got elected and they're like, well, I don't have to do this fucking beauty parlor shit anyways. I got the fucking job. You know, I'm taking my dick out, bringing an intern. One of the easiest impressions ever. Bill little Bill Clinton

for you. You like that? And in the end of this, I'll do a Vinny Barberino. Actually, you know, that's one of the things that I wish I knew how to do. I wish I knew how to do, uh, impressions. I wish, I wish I could do it. I can more sort of imitate people who I hang out with, but I, I can't, uh, imitate famous people unless somebody famous already does the impression, then I can do an impression of their impression. That's basically it. You know, that's, that's, I'm sort of a hacky impression guy. And, uh, and then if you do something really obscure, which I think I've talked to before in this podcast, like, uh, Jay Moore's Colin Quinn, if you guys seen that, I'm going to cross promote right now, not only Jay Moore,

but the opiate Anthony show. Go on YouTube and, uh, search Jay Moore, opiate Anthony, and, uh, he calls in, he does a series of unbelievable fucking impressions. And the most amazing one is he does Colin Quinn. And if, you know, who the fuck does that guy? Like I've known Colin forever and I've never noticed any like tick in the way he talks. And this guy, you know what I mean? I was like, one time I saw somebody do, uh, the first person I saw do Tom Cruise. The fuck show was I watching? I was watching. It wasn't 30 rock. Excuse me, had to clear my throat. It wasn't 30 rock. What was that other show that that dude from friends was on that was like 30 rock, except they were taking it seriously. What the fuck was

that one called? Like 60 degrees? I can never remember these. I wasn't there a number in it. You know, Jesus Christ, we have to do a sketch show. Is that what it's called? I know it was a drama, but whatever. But there was some kid in there who did impressions and he was fucking unreal. He did a Ben Stiller and a, uh, and a Tom Cruise that would dead on. And I, I've scoured the internet trying to fight scoured. Is that, is that really a fucking, is that the right word? Doesn't that mean you got burned? No, scalded is burned. Scoured? That's not a fucking word. Whatever. I searched high and low, near and far, all over the internet. I can't fucking find it, but it's, it's definitely worth, uh, it's definitely worth checking out.

And, uh, there you go. I've talked myself into a corner. I don't know what the fuck to say now. I just realized that usually I just, you know, I get ahead of steam going. This is how I do these podcasts. I get a fucking head of steam going and I just start running until I'm out of breath. And then I go back to the screen and, and, and I read like questions or whatever. But you know what? I'm not going to read a question this week. I'm going to start off with a couple of stories about dogs. All right? One funny one and one feel good one for the Memorial Day holiday. All right, here we go. Uh, this comes from, uh, some fucking dude. I don't name names on this. All right? I'm old school. All right. Uh, hey Bill, I have a dog story for you. Uh, whenever I visit my parents who

live at the Jersey Shore, I always take my dog who lives with them to the beach. Uh, personally, I love that sentence. Listen to this. Whenever I visit my parents who live in the Jersey Shore, I always take my dog who lives with them to the beach. Dude, if your dog lives with your parents, that's not your dog. All right? That's like, you know, that's like you banged, you fucking knocked up your 16 year old girlfriend and you left the baby with your parents and they raised it. You know, you ever run to one of those douchebags in a bar at fucking two in the morning on a Wednesday? He starts saying he's got a kid. Yeah, he wants to see my kid. I fucking love his kid. He takes out a picture of it. You know? And it's like, dude, it's fucking 2am on a Wednesday. Shouldn't you be

home with your kid? Uh, I don't have her right now. She's with my parents. Well then it's not your fucking kid. All right? You're like, uh, you're like it's brother. It's older brother. Who's like Chuck on happy days? Anybody remember that? How many people out there realize that Richie Cunningham actually had an older brother during the first season named Chuck and they didn't know what the fuck to do with them. So they just had him go off to college and then they just never used him again. And then after a while, they literally started just saying that they had two kids and they never addressed that kid anymore. You know? Ever again. That's what your fucking dog's like, sir. It's like Chuck on happy days. But anyways, let's read the rest of the story

because this is actually a funny story. My dog is a 110 pound golden retriever who basically looks like a furry keg with legs. God damn it. I can't fucking read. So anyway, so I had my dog at the beach and his favorite thing to do at the beach is to go in the water and swim after tennis balls. So one day I'm at the beach and there's this school trip of what seems to be fourth graders or fifth graders and they're looking at sea life in a jetty. Sir, I like how you wrote jetty like everybody knows what the fuck a jetty is. What is a jetty? Is that a little pool of water that gathers during high tide and then remains during low tide? Is that what a jetty is? I don't know. I know it's not a lagoon because I watch Gilligan's Island.

All right. So a few of the kids came up to me and asked me if it was okay if they could play with my dog. So I told them no problem. And the kids are getting a kick out of watching my dog run into the water and fetch the tennis ball. So one of the kids yells over to his friend who's busy looking in the jetty. He's like, Hey, dude, you got to come over here and check out how cool this dog is. At which point the kid in the, looking in the jetty says, no way, you guys are missing out. There's a whole bunch of crustaceans over here. So the kid who's standing next to me just sort of turns and looks at me and goes, what a faggot. And I just burst it out laughing because I was thinking the exact same thing. That's a fucking hilarious story right there, people. I don't

know if it went by you, but that was a funny goddamn story. That's a funny thing about being an adult. If you're younger, I guess you think that, you know, you're going to get mature and you're not going to think that shit that you would have thought in fourth grade. And that's not what being an adult is. Being adult is, I guess, still thinking the same shit that a fourth grader thinks, but you got to act like you're not thinking it, you know, like I'd like to think if I was there, I would have said, uh, you know, you shouldn't use that word. It's very offensive, blah, blah, blah, gone down that politically correct route, but I probably would have laughed too. You know what I mean? And that was just funny on a lot of levels where the kid was being

a little pussy. And the fact that a fourth grader would say that, and the fact that it's coming out of a fourth grader's mouth, you know what I mean? I would challenge one of those politically correct people. You know, I don't, I don't, you know what? I just talked myself into a fucking corner again. I don't know what to say. This is one of these deals. You know what it is really, people, I had a big argument with my girlfriend and she's walking the dog right now. I know she's coming back in a half hour and she's, well, she's going to come in and she's not going to argue with me. Okay. So you douchebags who think you're going to get a little behind the scenes here in my relationship, but she's definitely going to give me the silent treatment. And as much as I'm

going to try to block her out, it's, I'm not going to be able to do it because her silence is just going to be fucking washing over me. You know, so whatever. Um, I had one of those arguments you have to have in a relationship every once in a while. You got to blow the air out of the pipes and that's what I did. And I'm going to be paying for it today. So I hope your guys Memorial Day is working out a little better than mine. What do you think about that? Okay. And how about a little pat on the back for me on a nice fucking holiday actually doing this goddamn podcast, huh? 17 fucking free minutes so far. I got to tell you, I'm not doing 50 minutes. I know I always say that, but I'm not doing it this week. Okay. I got shit to do. I got laundry going. All right.

I got a whole bunch of shit I got to do before I can then go to a goddamn barbecue, show off my pasty white legs and have a burger because that's what the fuck I'm doing. Um, so anyways, you know, before I get too far down the road, that is a new, that is a new segment here where you have to tell a bad story about a group of people that just consistently always gets good press and don't fucking make one up either. Okay. If you have one, send one in. If you don't, please don't waste my time. People always try to do that. Like I don't read a lot of the shit that people send me because it just, you know, some of the revenge stories, that's why I kind of stopped doing them because they really got like ridiculous, you know, they started getting like James Bond-esque. And I'm

like, dude, the overhead of this revenge is six figures. Okay. This didn't happen. So anyways, yeah, if you knew, you know, a nun who was being a little cunty one day, who else gets good press? Kids get great press, you know, like they can do no wrong, like they have been unaware that they're doing wrong, you know? I don't know. If you don't hate kids on some level, you just not being honest with yourself. All right. What do we got here? Let's go with the questions for the week. All right. Question number one. Bill, if you had the choice to resurrect either Bon Scott, Jimi Hendrix, or John Bonham for one night, who would you want to see in concert? Oh, you son of a bitch. That's a hard one.

I'm a huge AC DC fan, and I've always hated the fact that I never got to see Bon Scott. But Jimi Hendrix, that would be like being able to see fucking, I can't even say Jordan because I got to see him play. I'll tell you that story when I saw Michael Jordan play. I saw him in North Carolina and not when he played with the Tar Heels. This is a story for people who live in North Carolina because in the place was not packed. I might have told this story before. I can't even fucking remember. I talk on my cell phone so much. My brain's mush. Basically, I was living in North Carolina in 87, 88, and it was the year before the Charlotte Hornets were going to start in the NBA. So to get people excited about NBA hoop, you know, because

obviously down there, they got to Bag O Road and all that fucking shit. They're really big into college ball. To get people excited, what they did was they had two scrimmages at the Dean Dome, at the University of North Carolina. And what they did was they had basically two games of professional hoop, like scrimmage hoop, and each team had a former Tar Heel on it. And one of the games was the Chicago Bulls versus, I want to say, the Cleveland Cavaliers. So you had Michael Jordan, former Tar Heel, and then you had Brad Doherty on the Cavaliers. So I got to see Michael Jordan back when he was skinny and he had hair and he only had one dunk, but it was cool. It was so early. Oh, I told this story before. I remember that. I told this story before, didn't I? Or did I

tell it in a bar? I can't fucking remember. But I remember it was so early in Jordan's career, I was nudging my mom going, this, watch that guy, that guy's good. You know, that guy's good. Can you fucking believe that? And then the other game was the Los Angeles Lakers because they had James Worthy, former Tar Heel, and I want to say they played the Seattle Super Sonics, and it was Sam Perkins. But I can't fucking remember. So if anybody from North Carolina, or if you can Google it and somehow it was in the Dean Dome, I remember that. I do remember that. And it wasn't nearly, it was probably three quarters full, not even, maybe 60% fucking full. Jesus Christ, can I get back to the fucking question here? All right, Bonsk, Jimmy Hendricks,

man, or John Bonham? Oh, fuck. You know, I can't, I can't fucking answer that. John Bonham. Move it, dick, dick, dick, dick. Jimmy Hendricks. Well, I'll tell you this, if I was going to see, you know what, I would have to flip a coin, which doesn't even work out mathematically because there's three fucking people. I'd have to throw a dart. All right, I gotta admit, Bonsk, God is out. God damn it. I never thought I'd say that. Okay? But the thing about Jimmy Hendricks and John Bonham is they, they changed. Jimmy Hendricks changed fucking what you thought was, what you could do on the guitar. And John Bonham, you know, basically, he brought rock drumming into the modern era. So fucking cunt. What a question. All right,

this is all I can tell you. I would throw a dart between Jimmy Hendricks and John Bonham. And when I would see Jimmy Hendricks, it would be with Band of Gypsies, not with the experience. All right, because that live album he has, we play his machine gun and all that shit. That one with Bob, was it Buddy Miles on drums and Billy Cox, whatever his fucking name is, on bass, that I would, that's what I want. I would want to see him at that, wherever they take that. Was it in San Francisco at the Fillmore? Remember that shit? And I would see John Bonham at Royal Albert Hall. And I would be backstage, and I would be able to see his fucking bass drum foot to figure out what the fuck he was doing.

Do you guys ever listen to old live albums? Or you ever watch old concert footage of how polite rock shows were? Like the promoter would literally come out. And they would like announce the band, like on that Jimmy Hendricks one. It's really cool, like this promoter comes out, and people have this little polite applause. And you hear this promoter going, ah, you know, welcome to the Fillmore West. Tonight we have a wonderful new band, blah, blah, blah, blah, all this type of shit. And in the background, Jimmy's already playing. He says, and the fucking promoter is talking over it. It gives me chill in the second he's done and then they just fucking go into the song. You know, maybe because I'm old now, I would love to

go see a great band and be able to sit down and just fucking enjoy them as musicians. I hate the fact that I have to fucking stand up, you know, and look around that douchebag who puts his fucking girlfriend on his shoulders. You want to talk about a fucking pussy whipped individual. It's already bad enough that you probably had to buy the fucking tickets. You had to pay for parking. You're already fucking whatever, two, 300 bucks in the hole, you know, and then on top of that, you got to put your fucking chick on your shoulders, right? So you're literally your spinal cord is crunching down so she can get up there and make eyes over there with the fucking lead singer and possibly even flash her tits that she'll then fucking blame on whatever the weed was

fucking laced with. You're actually helping her to maybe bang another guy at that point, you know, because if the lead singer likes her, he just gives the nod to the fucking the, his go gather some pussy guy. And then when he comes down there and he taps your girlfriend on the shoulder says he wants to meet him, you know, you're sitting there going like, you want to say no, you can't do that, but you know, you're never going to hear the end of it, because that was a dream to go see fucking Eddie fucking douchebag, whatever his fucking name is, Eddie Vedder, right? I, you know, I totally lost control of that story because my washing machine just started beeping to let me know that the load of clothes is done. This is what I'm doing

with my fucking my Memorial Day. Oh, listen to the sirens. You know, it'd be funny if I could actually do this, this podcast live. And that was a bunch of firemen coming over here to kick my ass, you know, and just to be traditional, they didn't break down the door with an axe, they actually put the ladder up just to confuse me. Jesus Christ, is my house on fire? Here it comes. You ever have that moment? And there it goes. All right. He's winding down. Okay, keep going. Jesus Christ. Thought my place was on fire there for a second. Um, anyways, so that's what I would do. I would pick between Jimi Hendrix and Bond Scott, and I would, I would throw a dart and I have to admit, I think I would see Jimi Hendrix in the end of it. There,

I'm in my decision. I would see Jimi Hendrix. Dude, that was a great fucking question. That really was a great question. Here comes another goddamn truck. You know what this is? Some douchebag on Memorial Day already burned down their fucking backyard with their, with their hibachi. Jesus Christ, there's the one where you got a steer in the back. Holy shit, they're stopping on my street. What would you do if in the middle of this fucking podcast, all of a sudden somebody came on over, like a megaphone? And retention points. Everybody on the street needs to evacuate. Do you know that happened to me when I was a kid? Jesus Christ, there's four fucking fire trucks right outside my window. I feel like one of those guys, I feel like Jimmy Olsen, like I'm getting

a scoop right now. You know what, now I have to go over and I have to investigate. Let me bring my little fucking podcast station over here. You know, it'd be great if there was one right below the window and I could actually stick my head out with, I actually wear headphones and I got this microphone with the orange screen on it. And I just started talking like it was the 1920s. Excuse me, Si, what's going on down there? I'm trying to get the scoop. Why can't I open my fucking windows? You know what's funny? You haven't noticed like whenever like some fucking old lady twists her goddamn ankle, like 17 fire trucks show up, it's like, is it really necessary? Why don't you put all the old lady broker fucking hip shit on one truck? Dude, there's no smoke. There's nothing.

There's four fucking fire trucks. Four fire trucks. Oh my God. Is that a woman? Oh, that is a woman. I thought that was a guy. Jesus Christ, somebody just came walking by looking like they were in one of those, you know, those 80s bands that just, they all just had like, you know, the one hit wonders, but there was, there was, there was that whole scene, like they weren't like Duran Duran. They actually thought that they were like artistic. What the fuck kind of bands were those? They weren't, it wasn't like heavy metal. It wasn't rock, new wave. That's right. I thought it was some guy dressed like he was front in a new wave band and ended up just being, I did, you know, you know, when girls like put their ponytail, you know, and they wrap it around

the front and you can't fucking see it. Dude, there's no sense of urgency. Now they're backing the fire truck up. This is, this is one of these times when I just wish I was old, so I could go out there and just start yelling at him, you know, about taxpayers money and shit. Dude, how fucked up is that? I was making fun of firemen. You know, at the beginning of this podcast, and four fucking fire trucks show up. You know what? This is the thing. I have to close the window because my voice really carries and I say fuck a lot, not to mention the word cunt. So I'm going to have to, you know, and they always leave the fire engines running. You know, who do you think pays for that gas? Huh? We do.

See, this is great. This is the new segment right here. I can trash firemen. If there's a fireman listening right now, is it a fireman or a fireman? You know, one of you motherfuckers is listening right now. Can you answer that? Why when there's no smoke? There's no fire. Why do 18 trucks show up? You guys all just bored? Are you trying to get away from that, get that fat fuck down the firehouse who's making the chili? You know, isn't that, isn't there like always, there's always a cook down there, isn't there? He's got one of those big mustaches. Hey, what are you making today there, Freddy? Oh, I'm making some fucking chili. Really? You're going to make some of your famous fucking red hot chili and then I'm going to have

that in my mouth and I'm going to go fight a fucking fire, you asshole. How about some Kool-Aid? Now I'm fascinated. Can you hear the rumble of those engines? You know, a lot of chicks like firemen. They do. There's something about them. You know, they rescue people. You know, they got that raincoat sort of perverted. It's like, you know, are they naked under there? Is he going to show me his hose? Look, there's a bunch of them walking around in their fucking raincoats. Jesus Christ, you know something? I got to admit, you know what? I wouldn't. I would walk out on my balcony. I actually have a little fucking balcony I could be standing on right now. I could figure out what the fuck's going on. I can't even do the rest of this podcast. This is

ridiculous. Was that really me talking? I just went to some accent there. I usually say this is ridiculous. This is ridiculous. All right, I'm going to try to fucking answer the rest of these questions. It's four fire trucks sit outside and people walk around. Is it a chemical spill? All right, that concludes part one and I have no idea why there's such a huge echo on this. I'm using the recorder from my fucking laptop. So that ends part one. Now just go listen to part two just in case you're a complete moron and you didn't know that that's what you were supposed to do. Okay. Hey, what's up? This is Bill Burr and this is part two of the Monday morning podcast for May 25th, 2009. And for the life of me, I don't know what that fucking echo is all about.

Oh yeah, I started to tell the story. Yeah, when I was a kid, this fucking guy's barn burned down and evidently he ran this big business and he had toxic waste in these big oil drums. So evidently they went around to every house in the neighborhood knocking on the door telling everybody to get the fuck out of their house. And I don't know if they forgot to go to our house or what, but we didn't know. We didn't know. So me and my brother went out to do our paper routes in the morning. That's how white my childhood was, you know, right after I had a piece of toast with that little square piece of butter on it, I went out. Part of this complete breakfast after I had my complete breakfast, I went out to do my paper route and there was all this smoke in the air

and there was nobody we lived on a busy street and there were no cars and there was just this fire hose going all the way up right down the middle of the street. So we were literally like, oh wow, that's cool, right? We didn't give a fuck. So I ride my bike down the street to do my first customer which is in the direction of the fire. So I drove down there on my bicycle and there's a fireman standing there and he's got, you know, the fucking oxygen mask on and he literally looks at me and he did literally the cartoon double take like yadda da yadda da, you know, like what the, like he couldn't believe what he was saying. There's all this smoke in the air. Here I come up, my little howdy-duty face comes up the street riding on my little bicycle and he comes and he starts screaming

at me through that mask going like, I don't know what the fuck are you doing here. You don't know what the fuck are you doing here, you're fucking trying to say. Just dropping the F-bomb and I'm like, I have a paper root. I had no idea. So you're playing through it? You're going to have to get the fuck out of it. So we ended up, you know, maybe that's why my memory sucks because I sat there breathing in, breathing in all that shit. Allegedly the guy who's who, whose barn it was, started Radio Shack. That was, that was the, that was the rumor. So anyways, here we go. Question number two. Hey Bill, I want to know what you think of old people going, going to the gym. Every time I see this 60 year old guy doing sit-ups at the gym, I feel sorry for him.

I work out so I can stay healthy and live to see old age. Once I see old age, it's mission accomplished, right? I think one, uh, when I see these old people, I think one of two things is going on. Either he doesn't know he's old, which is pathetic, or he wants to grow older, which is even more pathetic. I mean, how selfish can you be? Do you want your family to be wiping your ass at 90? The big question is at what age will you stop working out? I'm done at 50. I got 18 more years to go. Uh, thanks for the podcast. Uh, they help my three hour daily commute make it much easier. Well, thank you, sir. I'm glad you like them. Um, don't you hate when somebody calls you serve, by the way, or ma'am? Isn't that the worst the first day that that fucking happens?

You're just like, Jesus, I really am old. Okay. When am I going to stop working out? Uh, I gotta admit, dude, I'm never going to stop working out, but I won't be going to the gym. Maybe I will be. You know what? I've just, I just sort of, I've adjusted my workouts to, uh, to, with my age. Like I used to, I used to, you know, I used to throw the weights around over there. Oh, right. And, uh, you know, I used to play full court hoop running up and down, but I, my body just can't take that. I can still lift weights and shit. I just get bored doing that. But, uh, as I grow older, I, I, I, I've told myself that I'm gradually going to morph into yoga and Pilates. I just pause there waiting for everybody who was doing yoga. Were you fucking gay or something?

Were you stretching yourself out so you can get fucking banged in the ass? Guys are so fucking dumb. You know, and there's just something about any time you do something smart, immediately it's considered feminine. You know, if you do something dumb, you're a man. If you don't work out and you keep drinking red beer, shoving half a fucking cow's head into your colon, then, then, then you're a guy. But yeah, that's what I'm going to do. And no, I'm not going to, no, I'm never, I'm going to stop working out. I'm never going to stop trying new things and trying to learn shit because when you do that shit, dude, you die. You die. And it's very easy to be 32. I've done the math. You're 32 years old. It's very easy to say that, you know,

you're going to say, fuck it at 50. You're not, dude, because at 32, if you're still working out, that means you still look good, which means women are still kind of checking you out. But I'm going to tell you, dude, it starts dropping off. And when it starts fucking dropping off, you know, you're like, Jesus Christ, don't even fucking look at me anymore. And it's, it's going to motivate you or you'll just go into a depression and you will spoon with that depression and you'll eat yourself into an early grave before you're 50. So those are your options. All right. Hang in there, dude. Keep working out. You know, you want to come that, do you want to come that, that fat fuck? You know what I'm saying? We got that big bulge of fat right above your dick.

You don't want to be that guy. You know, you just, you know, you get that old person, I'm going to die soon smell. It's just bad. You don't, you don't want to be that guy. All right. You know, just out of curiosity, who, I wonder who the oldest person is who actually listens to this fucking podcast. You know, that's another thing I always want to stay up on music and that type of shit. I think that's easy to do when you don't have children. But I don't fucking know. Bill, just shut up and move on with the questions. All right. Question number three, Bill, I'm from Cleveland. And I've really, and I'm really psyched about the Cavalier, Orlando's Wednesday game. It was amazing. You had a bit of this pressing at

the same time. Fortunately, the Cavs lost 107 106. The whole way through. Do you think LeBron will lead the Cavaliers to victory against the magic and who do you anticipate to win the championship? I have to admit, I don't know shit about basketball and I've started to watch now that the Bruins and the Celtics are knocked out. You know, I wasn't really even watching the Celtics. I'm just not in the hoop. And I gotta admit, you know, Cleveland, Orlando, I don't think you could ask for a better series. But Lakers Denver, that series has sucked. It's like neither team has won a game yet. Denver blew the first game, the Lakers blew the second game and Denver blew the third game. And what's killing me is that I don't see a dominant

fucking team in the four remaining teams. So I think this is kind of, it's kind of a weak year. I think LeBron is the shit. And I think that fucking superhero dude there, Howard for Orlando is ridiculous and Kobe is ridiculous. And what's his face? Carmelo Anthony is ridiculous. And everyone else is regular. They're just regular standing around watching those guys doing shit. You know, there we go. That'll get me a lot of fucking emails. All these fucking hoop heads. Dude, all the fucking you say that's that fucking jamique, whatever, fucking whatever some black guy name is fucking regular. He had he had 22 rebounds, 76. I don't give a fuck. Pro hoop is fucking boring. The referees control the tempo of the game. And the final three minutes takes an hour.

Fuck that game. Okay. What is that? What is that thing that that the commercial that they have wins the next time great will happen? I'll tell you when the ref stops blowing his fucking whistle every five seconds. Dude, the second one team goes into the penalty, just kiss the rest of your day. Goodbye. It is the most boring fucking hundred points you're ever going to see in your life. Kobe Bryant shooting the front end of a one and one. He's 38 of 39 from the line tonight. 39 38 39. Let's fucking divide that by two. That's fucking what 18 19. That would be 19. That'd be his 20th fucking time. He's gone to the line 20 fucking times at that point. And missed oh no 18. Wait, can you be 38 39? Yeah, because you could you could go for a three

point place. So whatever, the guy's going to line like fucking anywhere from 16 to 20 fucking times. 20 fucking times they blown the whistle with one fucking guy. All right, I know 38 is a high number. Okay, but there's nights where he's, you know, 20 or 22 from the line. One guy one guy has stopped the game 10 fucking times. It's the worst. And I got to admit, I think pro football really gets boring. You know, there's nothing worse than a pro football game against two teams that are mediocre. It's just terrible. And it's one of the reasons why I love hockey. Because at the very least, if two teams suck, maybe there'll be a fight. You know, any other sport, if there's a fight, that is the lead fucking story on sports center. Holy

shit, the bench is emptied, or this guy charged the mound of fucking whatever and hockey is whatever that can happen in any game. It's a goddamn great sport. If you like the movie Mad Max, and you don't like hockey, you're very inconsistent human being. All right, let's get on with computer tips. We've been doing very basic computer tips, helping people like myself limp along. And just to get the shit moving here, I have to admit this person brought in some computer tips this week. One, two, three, four, five of them in the first four I knew. So if you guys, you know, all you guys who are really into computer, if you guys can can go to the next level here, where we can talk about preferences, you know, where you know, they click on the apple and then

click on preferences, go into the applications. And if you can break down that shit, that would really help me out because I'm really getting good at computers right now, or much better than I was, because of you guys. So I appreciate it. So here's the girl friends back now, it's going to get awkward, it's going to get awkward. All right, here are some of the questions here. Question number, or some of the computer tips. Computer tip number one. Hold the apple command and the letter X to cut. I mean, people know this shit, apple command and the letter C to copy, apple command and the letter V to paste. And this is the one I didn't know, apple command and the letter Z to undo. I didn't know that one.

And that one basically, this guy so eloquently puts, when you just fucked up any document, email or typing that you just did, if you delete something by accident and then hit the, just hit apple Z and you get it back. And he goes, God, I know you have to know the F3 button to separate the screens by now, but I just want to make sure, since that shit is on the Mac. You know what, dude, I didn't know that one. F3, you hit that and that separates all your windows, which, at which point I said, what does F4 do? And that's when I found the calculator, the date, my forecast for the week and the time. So that's pretty fucking cool. I'll actually have to start the podcast with that so I won't know the dates. But, and for anyone, you know, I'm

kind of being an arrogant ass here because I am a moron. So if you don't know shit like that, that Apple command in the letter X is basically, when you just highlight whatever you just did, if you hit the command button in the letter X, that will just delete the sentence, you know. Apple C, that will copy it, and then Apple V, you paste it to somewhere else. It's very easy to figure out, but I think at this point, everybody's caught up. So if you guys do computer tips, if you want to take them to the next level, that would be greatly appreciated. And all you fucking douchebags out there who are good at computers just be like, oh my god, they're so fucking basic. This shit that you suck at, all right? Okay, look at me getting all

defensive. All right, you want to hear a heartwarming dog story? And I'll end the podcast here. And actually I want, I'm going to blow through some underrated, overrated, because a lot of people sent some shit in. Okay, heartwarming dog story. Oh, and also I got to have douchebag of the week. I forgot about that one. Heartwarming dog story. All right, Bill, you've probably gotten a lot of emails, we're going, I have a dog that we found five years ago. I was driving home after work, and I saw a yellow lab mix in the middle of the road. She was running across a busy street with an E-collar on one of those things the vets put on a dog. And I don't know, it's fucking dog, this is a really long story. So she's running across the street and nobody was stopping.

She was really scared and confused, running all over the street. Everyone was honking their horns and she was just running back and forth, not sure where to go. Basically she was freaking out. So I saw her in the middle, in the midsection of the street waiting to turn when I saw her. I called for her to come over, which she did, and I opened my car door and yanked her in the car. Dude, you got more balls than me. I would definitely feel bad for the dog, but I saw old Yeller at the wrong age, and I've never, just like Jaws. I saw Jaws when I was young, and I will not go into the ocean. And if there's a fucking stray dog freaking out, I'm not going to yank it in my car for fear of getting rabies. I quickly noticed she had

a surgical scar on her stomach. This dog was scared, and she had the most desperate look in her eyes. It really shook me. So I brought her home and I put her in the yard while I got our dogs put in place where they wouldn't see each other, since I didn't know how this dog would behave. See, this guy really knows about dogs here. I quickly found that she was terrified and would not leave my sight. She would come over to me and sit on my feet and follow me everywhere I went. So we put her in a different room away from our other dog. My wife and I got a plan together to find her owner. She was so sweet and terrified, she must need to get back to her house with her owners, right? So we put up signs and went around to neighbors house, house to house,

door to door to see if we could find the owner. No luck. The next day, my wife went to the nearest vet office because we figured that's where she had her surgery done. Well, they had never seen her before, but said the vet said he wanted to scan her for a microchip. Turns out she had one, and she was from a no kill shelter. So we called the shelter she was from. Turns out they kept her at a veterinarian's house down the street. And they said that they would come over and pick her up. But by this time, I was having second thoughts after only two days or other dog had taken to her as well. This dog loved me after only two days and I can't explain it because my other dog could care less about me. It's my wife's dog and don't get me wrong. I love him,

but this was different. This dog somehow got into my heart. See, this is what happened with Cleo. I got the dog and after two days, I fucking love the dog. So anyways, the vet told us her story, which was verified later on by the shelter rep who came to approve us to adopt her for a home. Turns out she was given up. I'm really fucking flaking here. Turns out she was given up by everyone in the families that adopted her. She was adopted five times. Dude, that's not a red light flashing. She was adopted five times and they keep getting rid of her. Anyways, over the years, she's developed some minor behavioral issues such as digging and getting out of the yard. She was placed in when left alone. But whatever, her name's Bella. And while she was a pain in

the ass at the time, she is, as you said, what I come home to. And basically, the dude actually loves the dog and the rest of the dog and says, congrats on Cleo. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. You know, I don't know. There is something really cool, I guess, about rescuing a dog, but there are a lot of, if you're a realist, there's a lot of red flags there. Dog have been adopted five fucking times. You know? I don't know. It's a great thing. God bless you if you adopt a dog. All right, let's get on the douchebag of the week. All right, here's douchebag of the week. Some reason this person sends me this email right in the middle of my day. Hey, Bill, nice move, assuming I'm a female.

I guess I read one of this, this person's questions and I assumed that they were a female. So they got all upset going, nice move, assuming I'm a female since I never signed my name. And when you read my comments on your podcast and always refer to me as a male, it's just interesting how people will determine if a person is male or female without ever meeting them and just reading what they write. Why can't a woman write something about baseball or hockey? Say, saying something true, saying some true overrated shit without being assumed a male. And this is after the first email she wrote. She wrote, Bill, fuck you. And then I wrote, hey, sweetie, happy Monday to you. Okay, so then she sends me this other email. You know, it's just really interesting how

and people send emails without ever meeting them. They assume they're male or female. So I just wrote back, really, you know, that's it. That's all I deserved, really. You know what I mean? First of all, sweetheart, I don't know if you realize it. But in the subject area up top, it has your full name, which is a female name. And I don't know if you realize this, but I get a ton of fucking emails and I don't say people's names. So I delete the names and I just read them. Okay. And at that point, I don't know whether it's male or female. It's not a fucking sexist thing. You fucking psychopath. I keep referring to my dog as a male because I fucking always had male dogs. My girlfriend keeps giving me shit. I go, I gotta

take him out and she's like, her, you know, but it's not like, you know, I wouldn't hire you if you had the right. What a fucking, you're a douchebag. All right, you're a big fucking douchebag. You know, you're such a big douchebag that literally 12 other douchebags could climb in your douchebag. That's how big a fucking douchebag you are. Okay. I'm not assuming anything. I get a ton of fucking emails. And if somebody writes about hockey, yeah, I do assume that they're fucking male. The same way if somebody wrote about crocheting a fucking Afghan, I would assume that they're a female. I wouldn't be trying to insult the rosy, greer fucking guy who's into knitting. Just generally speaking, that's a fucking, uh, that's a female thing to do. All right. Doesn't

mean I don't respect you and your vagina and your knowledge about hockey. You know, you know what, from now on, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna fucking, uh, I'm gonna say the gender of everybody. All right. Like here's an email from someone who has a dick. Just a quick notes in regards to the caveman killer. Remember last week, the serial killer thing, uh, using a sharpen stick as a weapon and then burning it is, uh, so there would be no evidence. There's a bit of a problem here. Although it's genius and inventive, an inventive way to do it, he would get caught. Um, when the autopsy was performed, they would come across the fibers, dirt and residue left behind by said stick. They would then do an analysis on the residue to find out what, what, what it was composed of

and what type of tree was used to make Swiss cheese of the victim. Now having that information, the authorities would then plot out a map of every single area within the state or vicinity of the victim to narrow down where the stick could have come from. They would then, Jesus Christ, this is long, they would then narrow down that further based on the composition of the dirt and any traces of nutrients and figure out exactly where the, what area the stick came from. A mass search would then take place and set area and more likely they would be able to pinpoint the spot where the earth was disturbed or the branch that was broken within a 24 to 48 hour window concluding that this is the spot where the weapon was obtained. They would then probably find fibers from the clothing of the

perpetrator so they would match that later. After putting out a new story with the evidence they had, someone would come forward saying they saw a car, a person in the area that seemed to be out of place. Sketch, sketch drawing would be done and released and the caveman killer would be located and arrested. Putting a nice tight bow on the case would be their ability to match the dirt from the spot where the weapon was found in the, to the dirt found on the bottom of the shoes that were in the garage of said caveman killer. Further investigation in the vehicle would find more traces of that dirt on the floor mats from the shoes and on the seat where the weapon was placed on the way to the off, the offing. Sorry to say Mr. Cave, sorry to say Mr. Caveman game over. Have

fun playing hide the stick in prison over the next 50 years to life. Jesus Christ, you got to give it up to that guy for breaking it down. I know he's kind of, he was only semi serious there. He's talking about like those fucking A and E murder things because that's literally how people get caught. Like I saw one with this guy suffocated somebody with a, with a trash bag and somehow they figured it out that that's how they did it and they were able to find the impression of the woman's face in the bag. It was one of the creepiest things ever. And, but I got to tell you something, you know, I know you just half joking around, but most of that shit's just circumstantial evidence. And if you don't have the weapon, all you have is all that guys to say, what, I like to go hiking in

that area. Yes, I hiked in that area. Yes, my fibers were that you, you know, it's still all circumstantial at that point. If you have no priors or anything like that, that's a whole bunch of circumstantial evidence. And I don't, you know, if you get a good lawyer, you're going to get off. You're going to get off. And I think that's it for the Monday morning podcast this week. Look at up to 54 minutes. It happened again. And I didn't, you know, why? Cause the goddamn fire trucks. And I didn't even get a chance to get to the underrated, overrated yet. But you know, these things are really building up. So I got to blow through these. Okay, overrated, driving fast. Not many things make me angrier on the road than when I'm driving 75 miles per hour,

and I'm getting tailgated. Really? Is 75 not fucking fast enough for you people? You know something? I, you know, that really annoys this shit out of me too. Sometimes I'll bump it up to 80 and people are still riding my ass. What the fuck? I can understand and appreciate the need to get somewhere quickly. But does that, that doesn't mean that wherever you need to go is more important than my need to arrive at my destination in one fucking piece. Well, that is true. But you know something, I got to argue for the other guy here that if somebody is riding your ass, you really should get out of the way, you know? But I know that's that whole guy thing. Then you feel like a bitch, you know? So what do you got to do? You got to stomp on the brakes and be a fucking asshole.

But really, I got to admit though, if you are doing 75, 80 in the left lane, somebody's still riding your ass. I don't know. When you get a little older and more relaxed, you don't give a fuck. You do, you do go over to the right like I do now. And I'll say one out of 40 times you do that, you actually get to see the guy get a speeding ticket a little further down the road. But the other 39 times, the other 39 times, you feel like a bitch. I got to admit, underrated, quiet time. Remember when we used to have quiet time in grade school? I wish that was still around. I work at a TV station and I like the guys I work with, but sometimes I just need everyone to shut the fuck up. Do we have to be running our mouths every goddamn second for the next eight hours?

Just sit there and do your work for a bit. We'll talk later. Jesus. You know what, dude? I totally fucking relate to that, exactly. Some people just don't like fucking silence, you know? They find it awkward and they got to keep running their mouths. Kind of like me for the last fucking hour. Jesus Christ. All right, underrated TV show, the deadliest warrior on Spike TV. Just look the shit up. It pits two different warriors together from different time eras and they see who would win. Dude, that really sounds like some nerdy fucking shit. Isn't that like, who do you think would win? An alligator or a shark? I don't know. Who do you think would win? Chewbacca or Spock? I don't get into that shit, but you know what? God bless you, sir. There's people out there

who went to it, so I guess, you know, go check it out. Real quick, overrated. Women's intuition. I've always heard educated, intelligent women say that women's intuition is always correct. Sorry, you're wrong. If that were true, why do women repeatedly date abusive twisted guys? Wouldn't their intuition tell them that the guy, what the guy is like? Yet another reason of women patting themselves on the back for no reason. All right, sir, you know what? Fuck that chick, okay? Whoever dumped you, just fuck her, man. You know, there's going to be another good girl coming around. Don't give into the bitterness. Don't give into the bitterness. Or maybe that's just from dating for a while because there's a lot of, there's a major part

of me that really liked that email. Yet another example of women patting themselves on the back for no reason. Jesus Christ, if that sentence doesn't describe the Oprah Winfrey show, I don't know what does. Great, great one. All right, here we go. And women, if you're sitting there getting mad, you can always fucking trash guys because I'll read them. I'll definitely read them. And I know we deserve it. All right, number two, Disney movies. Okay, I'm 35 years old now, but even as a kid, I thought those sugary shit movies sucked bloody balls. All right, dude, fucking wait and let me know how you feel. Overrated, interlocking lives, interlocking lives movies like Crash and Fast Food Nation. Get it? We're all connected. This shit is getting old.

That movie Crash was so fucking overrated. So fucking. That's one of those movies just because it was about race. People thought that it was saying something. Question number four, the movie Stir Crazy. I love Richard Pryor. He was one of the best ever, but this movie is average. His talent is pretty much wasted on this film. Yeah, I would have to say that. Is that the one way they walk into the jail? You know, that's right. Uh-huh. We bad. We bad. That's like the funniest part of the movie. I don't know. I would have to agree with you. That's it though, guys. I'm actually coming up on a fucking hour here. 59 minutes, 25 seconds. Listen, that's the podcast. You guys all have a great Memorial Day and I really should have made this one short so you could actually

enjoy your Memorial Day, but you know what? You got the whole week to listen to it. And if you listen to this on Tuesday, that means you're back at that fucking job you hate and I just killed an hour for you. So God bless. All right. Have a great week. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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