Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-26-22

Episode Date: May 26, 2022

Bill rambles about cookies, animal documentaries, and lunatics. HELIX is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders & two free pillows for our listeners at www.HelixSleep.com/burr  

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's.com Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking

in on you just seeing all your days going seeing how life's going for you and all of that type of shit I gotta be honest with you old freckles old freckles finally moving the fucking workout in the right direction after I tried that stupid intermittent fasting that just completely shuts down your metabolism so fucking stupid do you want to lose weight don't eat anything for 17 hours oh great then my body feasts on what little muscle I have then I'm walking around like fucking SpongeBob SquarePants but my stomach's flat what am I some kind of asshole who listens to someone you know it's really annoying I don't understand as a fucking out of shape personal trainer if I see one more fucking out of shape personal

trainer it's fucking working out I'm looking at this guy he's like telling this person what to do it's like dude you're not even in shape I'm gonna get you in shape by getting you to not do what I'm doing because if you do what I'm doing I mean I mean you as a personal trainer you shouldn't look like your clients right unless they're there towards the end of the journey all right give me 10 of these give me 10 of these are you ordering food are we still talking about working out you fucking man-titted tub of shit oh I'm going in I'm going out I'm fucking don't be controversial on this one I'm gonna solve the gun problem in the United States of America right now why don't you why don't you just do it like

a pilot's license you know what I mean like when you get a gun like when you get like a pilot's license you know you're flying Cessna's or whatever you can't just go fucking flying American Airlines jet you got to work your way up you got to get raided you know I don't think if you get like a fucking gun license I think the first thing you should get regardless of your fucking age is you get a little six shooter it's all they give you or maybe one of those little Saturday night specials that's you get a little one shot thing that's all the fuck you get right and then as you work your way up to more and more powerful guns that could potentially do way more fucking damage you have to pass

major major psychological evaluation and if you do the world is your oyster and you can have whatever fucking weapon you want how about that does that work out for everybody I wasn't saying take guns away I wasn't saying this I wasn't saying that I wasn't talking about fucking gender gender neutral glocks just saying you know fucking lunatics fucking lunatics at some point can you not make it easy for a fucking lunatic to do I don't want to talk about because it's just it's so fucking overwhelmed I can't fucking imagine all of those people what they what they what they're going through it's just and it just I don't know I don't know there's people still I don't know just and I think the left is fucking

stupid because then they start yelling at people on you know on the right not saying everybody on the right has a gun not saying everything the left doesn't like guns I'm just saying like that this fucking thing where you just start yelling at the other side how about you just go what if we do this what if we you know try to weed out the bad apples by doing this as long as you're not hey hey hey as long as you're not fucking crazy we'll give you a fucking bazooka right and you can take it outside of your backyard and go fucking shoot it something I don't give a fuck someone would have a problem with that oh that's a way to control people anyway let's get back to bread and circus let's get back to bread

and circus here how about this how about those fucking Boston Celtics they are one game away they are one game away the exact amount of games that I've watched during this fucking playoff series because I've been so fucking busy I watched a little bit of tonight's game and I watched it basically till about half time and I was loving watching Steven A. Smith trash and how bad the shooting was and it's just like Steven why don't you get out there and show him how it's done I always love sports analysts who never played the game at any sort of a fucking level it's there's just something hilarious about that I mean I'm not shitting on him specifically I'm just saying a lot of them do it and I was kidding who I fucking

do it too but it's just maybe because my team was involved and he's just sitting there it's like well you know they also have like the walking wounded are out there at this time of year so there's gonna be some problems I'll tell you what's funny I think everybody just thinks that golden stage just gonna fucking walk in there and take the whole goddamn thing that's what they think you wait if we get by the heat cause you never know the heat's been there a bunch of times I'm not saying the series is over I'll tell you right now we have a straggle hole it's only three to two it's not three to one three to two we'll see how it goes we went down three to two last fucking series and we came back at one

it's really really really what the fuck do I know nothing I know Jack fucking squad that's what I know my kids are now at the age where I bribed them that's the deal you know on little shit on big shit I just say hey listen alright I'm taller than you I'm paying for everything so the way I say it goes on on on like major things but on minor things I'm a big fucking softy and I've never thought I'd be the parent that does that you know I start telling like listen you can take the car down the driveway by yourself if you put your toys away you know I go big bribes no it's literally cookies I'll tell you right now as a parent you really appreciate Girl Scout cookies the mint ones you know that is basically that's like three

months of housework you can get your kids to do picking up their own fucking toys pick up your toys I'll give you a cookie cookie you get all excited cookie yeah come on let's go what is that fucking song there's a song now one of the one of those kids shows that they watch about putting shit away was it clean up clean people put your stuff away put your shit away when that's not shit what the fuck is it everybody clean up clean up put your stuff away I can't my bio goes but always put your stuff away and it's like really hard not to say shit I do know that speaking of shit that's how the Red Sox were playing for the first six weeks now they're on fire they're on fire they went again tonight they were up one and not the last I saw what

about Travis story who's become the story in Major League Baseball the Major League Baseball Player of the Week not just the American League as far as I know he's the player the goddamn week I was watching him the other day the guy fucking goes out there he what do you open the first inning had a three-run fucking Homer guy had no home runs about two weeks ago he now has like nine I'm telling you we're gonna catch up with the yeah I don't catch up with the Yankees the Yankees look great although they're starting up they're starting to play like shit it is what it is it is what it is let's see if the Red Sox won tonight let's see if the Red Sox won tonight oh by the way so I started losing weight again oh you cunt we scored one run on the top of the first

when did they get us the fifth inning when our status I'm got tired dude why didn't he fucking pull him dude I was saying pull the guy in the fucking third inning did they listen no they did not dude I could be a manager dude the second he fucking walked somebody I'll be okay buddy go hit the fucking showers all right hey and and guess what thanks for fucking nothing thanks for nothing you sucked kid you're going back down to pot tuck it all right I hope you like illiteracy because you're going back to Rhode Island you know when I was younger that was they were voted one of the most illiterate states one of the most I think the most illiterate state I don't know where it was it was like Rhode Island and then like Mississippi but Mississippi had you know

they had an excuse anybody down south has an excuse you lost the war and we never fucking treated you right we never treated you like equals ever since then it's a big major fuck up by the north you know what I mean it's kind of like when a president gets elected and once the president gets elected then everybody who's in that party acts like a cunt for four fucking years you know what I mean like I don't know when when George W was in office like 99% of the Republican people out there were just acting like cunts and then Obama got in and then all the lefty people were acting like cunts and then Trump gets in and oh Jesus it was like it was like Coachella for cunts when he was fucking running and then everybody got so excited that they got the guy out and now

we're left with this guy forgetful Freddy he's gonna go over and talk to China I don't know what I'm talking about right now I know he's doing something that Taiwan that fucking trying to go to Taiwan we're gonna try to be a hey could you guys like not do what we're doing could you not invade an innocent country could you not fucking do that for your own betterment your own needs yeah I'll get some fucking tweets on that one why don't you fucking move to Finland you're fucking calming freckled cunt because I calls them as I sees them anyway the fuck was I looking up here the other day I literally just saw it I was in there trying to plug this fucking thing and oh a cappuccino versus Machiato one of these ones has like fucking hot chocolate in it and I

had it I had a coffee with hot chocolate in it whatever that was because with an M and it was fucking disgusting it just didn't it didn't taste like good coffee and it didn't taste like good hot chocolate and I was thinking like you know what I need to try one of these again if I'm ever in Europe from like in Italy or in France which I don't know in the fuck that's gonna happen if I ever if I ever am again I'm gonna try it out there and I bet they do it right you know I can't like write off that whole thing but I had really high hopes for it and it just tasted like way too fucking sugary I wasn't into it and I realized like this is this is where I settled with coffee you just want an espresso so they say espresso that's the one you want you just want a shot of it you

do it it's fucking delicious there's no cream there's no sugar it's the same way I used to drink booze you know you start off you don't know what you're doing you add all of this shit to the booze and by the end of it you're like I just want the booze you want an ice cube no I don't I just the booze give me give me the booze remember that way back when on the fucking the fuck was that show intervention remember that show that was a guilty pleasure watching families fall apart as your entertainment to put you to sleep there's really a heartless thing to fucking late night TV they really is it's about people swindling people out of money people killing people people with like addictions it's like I don't know just like the fucking dregs a society and you just sit down

and you watch it people with wooden teeth on meth digging a well by hand they're like what are they doing and how come I haven't seen your mailman in a while next thing you know they find the guy they find his postal bag like floating in the fucking jacuzzi they're like well I don't know how that got there how do you know the wind didn't blow it off there and then they start digging around their yard they find that big ring of keys and then they he's here he's gonna be here they bring a fucking bloodhound into some shit like that on those drug sniffing dogs and then they find the guy and then you fall asleep you fall asleep to it fall asleep to a whole family reading fucking letters you know to some guy who can't stop sniffing glue like how did you first get into

sniffing glue well you know I always went down to hobby town you know I used to like making the models and after a while you know I liked buying the stuff to make a model more than the model itself and my parents you were going like you know you're buying more glue again you're more paint where's the mall what what are you working on you know it's a secret what am I working on what am I working on living at home till I'm 40 my wife fucking watches all of those damn shows just like that SNL sketch where they had say of the women they fall asleep watching murder shows my wife fucking watches all of that shit and I've just literally I had to give into it it was a quiet town things like this didn't happen around here I'll tell you the scariest ones

are when the fucking women are up killing people that's the one it's just like you're not supposed to do that shit it's always amazing when you see like women are just trying to be so equal to men that they even want to do the dumb shit that we do like commit murder it's like you know out of all of you could have left that one alone you know you're really taking this feminism thing to a whole new leg you know I'm very proud to be the first woman on death row in fucking Connecticut or whatever you know death row has been for a long time and all boys club you're so brave that'd be a weird thing to do just to be the first the first one of you to get on death row what would your final meal be or you know what mine would be I'd have a fucking pot roast pot roast

with no lumpy potatoes mashed potatoes with gravy and some stewed carrots a little bit ketchup on the side mixed in with the gravy and then a nice fresh loaf of bread right then I'd have an ice cold glass of ice water and then for dessert I would have not a fucking dessert guy anymore but I also don't want to die so I'd have to fucking have to order dessert to make it stretch out the meal you guys want appetizers yeah absolutely what would you like for an advertiser what takes the longest to make I would like I would like a breaded penguin wing you know then buy another fucking month to your life and in his last act of meanness he actually ate a penguin how could you do that they're so cute that's the worst thing about being a chicken

you're ugly and delicious there's just no reason for anybody to go out and save you I will tell you this though for all the fucking people out there that want to make carnivores like myself vegetarians just keep making documentaries about different animals because every time I see one about one I stop eating that animal you know I haven't fucked with lobster in forever because I just don't like how they can once I saw how they killed them like they didn't they just boiled them alive and they're like oh you know that doesn't feel it is that what it is or does it not communicate in a fucking way that you can understand did you are you fluent in lobster do you have that fucking Rosetta Stone on your bookshelf you fucking cunt I think the thing would understand it would be

have some sort of nervous system that would send a signal that you're getting into water that's gonna kill you I would think so I don't fuck with lobster and I used to eat octopus now I can't eat octopus because they made this fucking unbelievable documentary with this guy befriended a fucking octopus and in the end when the thing has reached the end of its life it's like the beginning of Bambi you're like almost fucking crying right and I was like I I'm never eaten another fucking octopus I really I like those things you know and now I'm seeing all these fucking scuba divers taking fish hooks out of sharks mouths they get them out of pain and then they somehow meet the shark again and the sharks all cool with them those ones I don't get it's like the fucking things

in the ocean you know I mean you can get lost in a mall and never see a fucking friend again back in the day before cell phones and shit right you guys would just have to go home and separate cars and call each other three days later do what happened to you I couldn't find you oh I thought you said the information booth at three o'clock I was there at 2 30 right like how the fuck do you do that you come back and the shark is still just still there I don't know I'll tell you what a problem in a disease human beings are when you really think of the vastness of the ocean and how deep it is and how unexplored it is yet everything in the ocean is dealing with the fact that this fucking human beings out there throwing out flat screen TVs I feel like that should have been

illegal you should never have been able to dump something into the ocean because we don't live there if you want to fuck up the land like where we're from like that they'll be like alright you're fucking up your own habitat that makes sense but to take your fucking shit oh it's old Billy cause button here at this weekend oh Jesus this episode what's he doing here I'll tell you what I've been doing to be playing fucking drums a little bit the end of the edit there I had a great argument with my wife the other day I wish she was here to talk about it was such a great argument where like she got so mad at me and I came upstairs you know to discuss it she started fucking laying into me I said hey you know what let's not yell alright I got what's the matter

and she fucking told me what I did I was like alright I did that and then she said the other thing I said alright I did that too alright so I'm sorry about that I understand why I made you feel that way and I feel bad I did that I won't do that anymore because I love you right and then I was able to say what she did that bugged me and we fucking just got to the other side of it I'm like alright are we good can we watch one of your murder shows now mudslides could it happen to you tonight at 12 a.m. fucking mudslide who dies in a mudslide Jesus Christ a mudslide I mean look this up what are the odds the odds of dying let's see what came while skydiving in a car crash in a plane crash on Mount Everest on your birthday on a roller coaster

in a motorcycle oh that's great in a motorcycle these old people buying motorcycles or they don't want somebody to what are the odds of dying in a mudslide how many deaths result from lands landslides sorry what do you guys think an average of 25 to 50 people are killed by landslides each year oh my god literally the earth just swallows you up 23 people were killed in at least 167 injured and more than 400 homes were damaged by a series of debris flows that impacted the California community and she's gonna make me do the fucking math here an average of 25 to 50 people how many people live in California 39 million yeah there's almost 40 million fucking people out here in each year 25 to 50 people somehow don't see the earth sneaking up behind them knock knock

who's there the earth what all right let's do a little read here oh look who it is everybody it's helix the best sleep I've ever had oh man depends on there's different kinds of sleep there's comfort sleep there's just being exhausted sleep there's peaceful sleep there's passing out there's getting knocked out you know the best sleep I've ever had is afternoon naps as an adult those are the best ones just laying on a couch waking up 20 minutes later cold isn't it amazing how cold your body gets the second you stop moving like you can lay on a couch for fucking four hours watching TV maybe once in a while just fidgeting moving around the second you fall asleep if you don't have a blanket on you you'll wake up with pneumonia all right helix sleep has a quiz that

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for free right you don't ever need to go to a mattress store again just go to helixsleep.com slash burr take their two-minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life they have a 10-year warranty and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free they'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it gross if I ran that company didn't like it all right throw it out we're not in the ocean bury it in the ground but you will helix even has financing options and flexible payment plans so a great night's sleep is never far away helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com burr that's helixsleep.com burr for up to 200 dollars off all mattress

orders and two free pillows well guess who needs a new fucking mattress this guy I need a new mattress dude uh dude uh I fucked up my neck I was climbing up a ladder to look at something inside this closet and I you know look at the top shelf I was trying to find my swimming goggles because I was gonna go jump in the pool I'm a big goggles guy I don't like going underwater with I want to be able to see you know I don't like open my eyes and get all that chlorine or whatever the fuck's in our pool right so I was looking for him and I set the I set the ladder up right underneath the door jam and I walked I wasn't even going fast and just the top of my fucking charlie brown head just hit it flush and there was nowhere for it to go like it wasn't a glancing

blow it was it was blunt just just like that ah and I just felt it in my neck I'm like all right that's gonna fuck with me that's gonna fucking so I've been sitting in a chair while editing the movie like with my hands on both sides of my head like I'm trying to lift my head up off my body hoping that that's gonna work and what I don't understand is if someone else were to do that for me it would really give me relief but for some reason if I do the exact same thing I feel nothing it's actually gotten a little bit better a little bit better um my son's learned how to swim my daughter almost has it down so that's a big relief big relief you know he can go like under the water and kind of and then he comes up goes underwater for like two

seconds it comes back up and he's all proud of himself he's such a great kid he really is I have two I have two of the best kids ever like the everybody says how happy my kids are I can't even tell you how proud I am of that they're super happy they know that they're loved they're funny as hell adorable kids and uh and every night around seven o'clock they go absolutely batshit crazy running around the living room and I don't even give a fuck you know I'm getting rid of all of that shit from when I grew up you know every every dad on my block if you had any sort of excitement hey hey hey hey call it hey knock it off you had to be all fucking quiet and shit it's like you're a kid your body's brand new you're trying it out you let them run around the fucking

track um no it's really really cool so hopefully we can just keep along doing this trend and I'm back studying my french on pimsler I'm getting all caught up I was up to I did the first 30 lessons about a year ago and I was trying to get my instrument rating and uh so I didn't become fluent french and I didn't fucking get my instrument rating because I ended up selling a script but I made a movie all right so I did do something um but anyway oh here's some free advertising you gotta get those fucking david Ortiz firecracker cigars man they're great like the size of a breakfast sausage I love it every night I sit down on my porch I fucking unwind you know listen to some fucking tunes and I smoke one of those things I think it's just it's fucking hilarious

to me that he's big poppy and then he has these little ass cigars you know it's probably because he lives such a cool life he doesn't have time to smoke a full one you know he's a time to take really quick and then duck back in and continue being david Ortiz um all right that's the podcast everybody congratulations to the Boston Celtics and everybody who's a Celtic fan that got to watch the games I am uh doing my best to watch him um and been peeking in here at the Red Sox but uh I don't know I got Vegas this weekend everybody I'm at the Cosmopolitan and I got a bunch of new shit and I can't wait to do it uh very excited about that and then that ends my three weekends in a row run and I've made up the dates that I canceled because of this shooting this thing

I think I got one other one I got one in in uh Windsor Canada that I had to reschedule and then one in like fucking Pennsylvania or something like that those are the two but those are on the books so um that is it that is all God bless you in the United States of America and uh gun people what if you get if you get instead of being yelled at by a non-gun person I like guns I'm not fucking shitting on them I just didn't grow up with them so I'm terrified of them but like what what is your solution what would work for you where you know how would you solve the right to bare arms okay keeping that while not having these these mass shootings and these just these fucking unspeakable fucking tragedies and the fucking pain

that it causes um I just can't even imagine you know it's it's it's really my problem with believing in a higher power to be honest with you that's shit like this happens by who's kidding who human beings that God made because I don't buy into that whole fucking devil scapegoat bullshit it's like no dude you made this person and this person was fucked up um I don't know but anyway it does anybody out there's gotta be somebody out there with a good solution you know there's a lot of people that are on drugs that have great solutions for how addicts should be treated so I'm not a gun guy so what the fuck do I know so I want to hear from gun people right in I want to hear how what you think how do you solve what do you think about my idea well you have to get raided like on a pilot's

license like just because you have a gun license doesn't mean you can go and just buy any fucking gun like which each the the capability of each gun and the amount of damage that you could do like the psychological test I mean everything else is like that you know you can't just be bad shit crazy and go fly a commercial fucking airline you can't fucking do that uh you know you can be bad shit crazy be president um all right whatever there's a lot of holes in my fucking ideas here but uh let's try to guess maybe you know try to let's see we'll see I would like I'd be interested to hear your solutions rather than people yelling at each other and typing in capital letters and all of that shit and uh you know and here's a test for you as an adult

can you present your opinion without insulting the other side can you do it I know I can't you cunts all right that's that's my podcast enjoy the music uh picked out by the uh the amazingly talented Andrew Thamelis you guys have listened to him play guitar and some of his music the fucking guy and he's a director very very talented guy and then afterwards we have a bonus episode of the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast all right have a great weekend your cuts and i'll see you on monday now hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday

may 26th uh 2014 happy memorial day happy memorial day go to a parade show your fucking respect and go eat a bunch of burgers um and then you'll get fucking shit-faced and say something that you shouldn't have fucking said maybe hit on your wife's sister get punched in your fucking head um anyways if you can you can hear the echo in the room there i'm back downstairs is the the project downstairs inches along um you know those of you who listen to this podcast you know from a year and a half ago not even a year and a half 14 months ago when i had that fucking water damage um i like to think it was a blessing in disguise because the part of the house upstairs was immaculate and i just redone that room so that sucked but below it was it was

it was a fucking tree for it it was shit it needed to be fucking replaced anyways it's a fucking animal i didn't want to get into it and now of course they get under the house and what i already knew was because i had somebody do some electrical on my house before he was cleaning up a little bit down there and he's in the crawl space which is right underneath my living room and i hear him down there every once in a while i was hearing this guy just going what the fuck so i knew it wasn't good i knew it wasn't good and he told me that there was a lot of shit work down there and i'm lucky i didn't have a fire and that he replaced most of it so

the foreman on this other job you know some of the stuff that they've taken out they actually you know accidentally disconnected the phone you know bullshit happens as these guys work on your house so you know he reiterated you know he didn't use the f-bomb but i could tell by what he was talking about that i had some issues in the electrical department in my house so um you know i'm gonna get that all taken care of which brings me to my question here solar power everybody can i take five minutes just to be a fucking hippy man um every once in a while i go in and out of my fucking you know i'm with the team and now and then and then i'm against the team you know kind of like a fucking uh like a randy moss you know you come into town you got your mind right

and after about a season and a half you start acting like a fucking maniac that's how i feel when i look at uh whatever the fucking express i'm really trying to avoid the expression the powers that be but um i don't know i can't help it every time when i land in los angeles and i look out at the basin as they call it um from the sand gabriel mountains all the way south of that which is fucking la and greater la all of that just what an absolute clusterfuck it is and um what happens when the shit hits the fan so i'm thinking about getting some solar panels and i know all you rednecks out there are saying the obvious thing the fuck good's a solar panel gonna do if you ain't got a gun what are you gonna keep the guy warm that fucking shoots you in the head

and steals your provisions i understand the fucking bearded wonder all right i get it but i one step at a time one step at a fucking time first thing i want to do i want to get you know it's ridiculous i live in a fucking desert the house bakes in the sun and i'm i still have i don't have solar power it's the dumbest shit ever so uh i'm gonna look into it and what i want to know is is you know is that two types of solar power there's one where you're still on the grid and then there's one where you're off the grid i like off the grid and if anybody's listening to my podcast if you're off the grid like what happens do they like it do they get mad at you i mean how do they know because all of a sudden your bill goes down does that like set off a light

you know and underneath the mountain that all those illuminati guys live in and then somebody pulls up to your house they noticed you uh haven't been making any toast lately and uh you know what's going on here how come you're not you're not watching what are you reading books in there fucking eating apples off a tree look i'm not using any electrical electricity there does that happen is it it's not illegal to be off the grid they just sort of fucking uh do they bully you at all like just let me know what i'm in for all right because what i would love to do is to continue spending my legal tender that really has nothing behind it other than the faith of every freckled face cunt over here um i would really love to continue

existing in this but i would like to have the backup that if the shit does hit the fan before i'm overrun by a mob you know because mine's the only light on the top of the hill see that's i used to do a bit about that that's the thing like if if you actually have if you're off the grid all right and everything just goes fucking haywire you immediately you got to cut your lights out quick okay because the first thing when everybody loses power they're standing go oh you gotta be fucking shitting me i was watching two broke girls over here right that's the first thing you flip the switches is it and then this you know within 30 seconds you're like is it just our house and you look out the window so you basically you have 30 fucking seconds to cut

all your lights off tell your wife to shut the fuck up and get downstairs in that little corner room all right you put your hand on her shoulder firmly you don't hurt her but you're not affectionate you place your hand on her shoulder so she knows that's important that fucking information is on the way and you say honey we're the only ones left we're the only ones left look at me stop crying we're the only one we're the only ones left with power and i need you to hold it together cry it out now i want you to cry every ounce of bitch you have in you out of you in this corner of this house okay when you come upstairs i want you to sit here and act like we do not have power okay so when the celibans come across the fucking street

and see if we don't have power you lie to their fucking faces shh honey forget about the celibans they're not gonna make it you understand you know i don't want that to happen i don't want that to happen to anybody but i don't want to be the celibans you know what i mean i want a shot just give me a fucking shot that's all i need i just need some solar panels and a fucking helicopter and i will get the fuck out of here that's what you need you fucking it it's with your guns huh what are you schwarzenegger how long is that gonna last um anyway so i'm thinking about it does anybody is anybody live in the la area does anybody have solar panels anywhere in the fucking world can you recommend are there two different kinds because i actually looked up solar

panels off the grid and uh i came to this place uh blue pacific solar it says off grid packages um then there's another one that just says get solar power sun power off grid systems off grid system backwood solar electric systems yeah i can install that shit well what we're gonna do is we're gonna bring it in and we'll just run it over the outhouse well what cabana what's that a cigar um sorry i'm in a stupid fucking mode this week um yeah oh then there's one for australia i don't mind paying the grid but i would like to have if the grid fails to have the then off the grid switch how about that can we just have that those of you who've been on the internet this week you know the direction that i'm working in

oh yes you do to stop being modest you know the direction i'm going in i'm talking about solar fucking roads has anybody seen this this youtube video it's fucking amazing if if what they're saying is true about these solar roads um and i apologize for the narrator i get what he's doing he's trying to keep it interesting but he kept it interesting too long and then he brings it down to an interlude which should have come a minute earlier and then he goes back to screaming so it's a little bit annoying but uh just try to listen to the information and then try not to get sucked into a george bush obama debate because uh i don't know i don't know if these things what the fuck do i know right but it just they were basically saying if we replaced all our roads with these solar fucking

things that literally makes it look like lego land and it's all lit up and there'd be sensors to let you know a deer's going around the corner and then it would just light up in the turn hey there's a fucking deer around the corner you know enjoy your barley pancakes or whatever right some fucking full on hippie shit and that basically the amount of energy that it would create would be three times what this country even needed which immediately we can just leave the middle east right we don't have to be over there pissing them off by getting in the middle of their bullshit all right we don't have to deal with oil and oil money is what funds the terrorist as far as my limited reading goes right the the the family's over there that fuck hang on she's scratching i just gave you a bath what's

wrong oh cleo um anyways uh yeah like the fucking the the oil people over the people who make all the money over there they then donate to mosques and then in the mosque they fucking you know kind of fucking hey you know send it over to these fucking people over here that end up coming back at us shooting shit at us as far as you know like i said i don't know shit cleo would you stop fucking you're gonna have to go to the other room here come here buddy what's up sweetie we went on a nice hike today didn't we huh this was good all right get out of here um so anyways yeah and then that whole fucking thing is just null and void we have all this extra power actually did we create a bunch of jobs the only thing i don't know

is the way it looks it doesn't seem like it's a smooth ride it just seems like the whole time you'd be going like over these fucking things i have no idea but just check it out and i swear to god because this is something that i don't know if it if it is if it does work if it does fucking work it could benefit everybody conservatives liberals independence everyone who wouldn't benefit from all of this energy oh that's right the people in power oh how could i forget that that's right how do you think that they're gonna derail this if this actually becomes a movement how will they somehow tie in terrorism 9 11 liberals fucking right wing conservatives and just get this the pot fucking stirring so everybody's screaming and yelling it's gonna be

profoundly expensive and the babies will starve they're gonna do all of that shit um the only way this thing gets off the ground if it works if it works is if people don't get sucked into those arguments and we all become one and we all pick up a hatchet and we start marching towards the bankers gated communities okay because the asphalt streets will have to run red with blue blood money before something wonderful like this will ever fucking happen because you are fucking with a century and a half of cash flow going to a small amount of people that's what you're fucking with and when you're fucking with something like that that level of money basically the money that gives the dollar power like the only thing gives the us dollar powers

that oil barrels of oil are still measured in us dollars other than that it's a fucking shit show so these guys are the guys behind all of that it's them and the fucking bankers and that's it all right the insurance companies like the ted kennedy or that fucking family all right but fucking bobby and jack all right actually the banks of fucking joe kennedy all right they'll shut up with the kennedy shit all right so anyways that's my my thing like this is a great fucking idea if it works if it works it's a fucking great idea even if you just did a few roads if you just did a few of them each state just did like their main highway or whatever if you just did that i can't imagine the amount of money it would save and on the less than oh man it was incredible

the possibilities of it are incredible i don't know if it works but it is fucking incredible but the sad thing is um the fact that whenever new stuff like this comes up it all just turns into uh obama bush republican democrat blah blah everybody's just yelling at each other and then it just fucking goes away and then everybody turns on sports and that's what happens so there you go there's all off the grid billy 15 minutes of crazy talk but that makes sense to me makes sense to me man fuck you know we get this done if everybody wasn't so so so fucking liberal all them liberals out there in hollywood right i gotta tell you i'm i'm i'm not just making fun of a stereotypical southern guy all right because i haven't lived out here in hollywood these people

are out of their fucking minds they they're fox news to the left they're out of their fucking minds they're they're just such fucking hypocrites where it's just like you can say the most uh i guess racist isn't the word because you can make fun of white people rich white people you can basically you can be uh you can use the exact fucking thing that they don't like seeing used on poor people against rich people and they fucking love it you know you can suggest that people from the south are all fucking their sisters and they're slapping their knees and they're doing the wave and the crowd all right but if you suggest any homeless guy needs to get off his fucking ass stop boozing and get a fucking job then you're the devil so i mean i don't know does that make any sense well

it shouldn't isn't that why you listen to this podcast you cunts all righty then let's uh let's do a little bit of advertisements i'd like to average any solar people want to advertise in this fucking podcast how much does it cost all right e voice everybody e voice e voice why don't you get this shit um e voice everyone you're a business owner but automated phone systems and secretaries are secretaries are not in your budget just yet and juggling incoming calls can make you seem like you're not even professional well here's something that will dramatically affect your ability to make more money in 2014 what is it it's e voice everybody whether you're a business of one or 100 e voice will help you manage all of your incoming calls

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that's e voice promo code bill okay oh here they are our old friends dollar shave club dollar shave club everybody there are so many things that piss me off not having solar roads the fact that i rented a Chevy Impala this week because my truck's getting fixed and it's supposed to be the flagship one with the v8 that when i'm on the slightest little billet bit of a hill and i go to put it in reverse it rolls forward a little bit like some hunk of crap from the 70s come on chevy you can do better than that those are a few things that piss me off and you know what else pisses me off oh he's coming around again everybody paying way too much to shave my freckled face is definitely up there ah nothing feels better than shaving with the fresh new blade

everybody but new razors are so ridiculously expensive that you can't afford to change your blade more than once every six months so you end up scalping your face with an old blade come on we've all been there dollar shave you change your blade as much as you change you got to buy new deodorant that's basically the deal unless you're with uh donald trump you know and then you pretend you have money for blades you drive around your dumb helicopter with your name on the back dollar shave club delivers top quality raises for a few bucks a month dollar shave club members always shave with the fresh blade because they get a fresh pack in the mail every month talk candidly about your experiences with the program well you just explained it all right don't tell

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oh geez all right let's talk sports here all right let's start with the nba something i never watch but you know it's the conference finals i've had some downtime so basically what i've been doing is um it's the the hockey conference finals and the bnba conference final so what i do is i tape the nba game as i watch the nhl game live and then the following morning i watched the nba game and i gotta tell you it's been a slice of heaven it's been a slice of heaven um and you know what i got back into nba hoop and i got back into the simplicity and the beauty of just coming out there with a ball trying to put it through a hoop it's a fucking pure game it is a wonderful game if those fucking refs would just got with it they would just relax classic example i don't even know who won

this game yet and i'm gonna go watch it as i upload i've only watched the first quarter of the last okc uh san antonio spurs game all right now as far as i understand the job of the referee is to keep the game under control keep the game under control and let the players decide who's gonna win the fucking game all right i watched the first quarter of the game all right okc's already in trouble because that surge a baka guy is that how you say his name the big man is hurt all right so he's on the elliptical so they got kendrick perkins in there and what is the fucking ref do gives him three fucking bulls two definite bullshit fucking calls and puts the guy in the bench they already got one guy in the elliptical you know they need kendrick perkins and you give him two bulls the

guy had fucking three fouls in the first quarter the last two i swear to god he was standing there scratching his ass and they gave him a foul then i watched him with uh who's who's the guy there who you know uh what the fuck's his name their point guard who sometimes turns into an eight-year old because with a w why do i keep thinking witherspoon because i'm old you know what i'm talking about that fucking guy right manu jenobley whatever his name is that guy who refuses to shave his fucking head steals the ball from him all right so you see the fucking guy he turns into the eight year old he runs right up and tries to slap it away from takes a file and he's you know when he's sitting there he doesn't even look at the ref he says something like that's fucking bullshit and the

ref is standing there staring at him how do i know he's staring at him because even the guy announcing the game reggie miller i think it was was going that ref should have fucking given him the file and walked away he stands there not only stands there stands there staring at him waiting for him to say something now i know i know this guy probably has a fucking reputation for doing that but it's just like that it's a complete fucking abuse of power and these guys their job is to to keep the game under control not control the pace of the game and that's what i fucking hate about the nba all right there okay there sorry i got my fucking tampon mentality this week but it's the fucking thing that i cannot stand about the nba the goddamn officiating whether it's

fixed or not i don't fucking know but those guys they need to relax cleo what is the problem what is the problem i just gave you a bath i rinsed you good fucking thing i feel you know it's such a ridiculous level how much i love that dog you know i think it drives me nuts drives me nuts um anyways but it's still great what a great series uh even a okc is down at this point two games than that i don't know if it's three at this point it's just i don't know spurs are fun to watch okc's fun to watch and uh you know as much i imagine pacer fans are frustrated with their team you know they just don't know how to win yet they you know what they like they like the little brother that's big enough at this point

to finally win a fight against this older brother but the the the older brother has the psychological advantage because he's been kicking their ass their entire fucking life you know oh hang on she's scratching again um that's their problem you know i don't know jason lawhead knows the game better than me he also says that coach stinks and larry bird should literally walk down and fire the guy during the game and just take over because he's getting brutally outcoached i have no idea i'm just actually happy that i'm watching the nba again i just wish these fucking refs would just put their fucking whistles away or at least just be consistent i i they had the fucking worst and i know in every sport you

can have bad officiating and you can have shit calls but like the nba is is at the top of the fucking list because it goes beyond bad calls it goes because with their power they can put guys on the bench it's just fucking drives me nuts relax bill okay i will um let's talk to some hockey here how about those fucking rages i have never i can't i think the last time i was just wrong about somebody the the fucking patriots traded blue drew blood so to the buffalo bills and i was like that guy's gonna come back to haunt us and i forgot that the poor bastard was playing for the fucking bills and it isn't his fault but i thought they were gonna come back and kill us um and i also thought that tom brady got lucky his first year that's what i thought see so i don't know

shit and i also just have not been believing in the rangers and here they are one game away ladies and gentlemen the new york fucking rangers who's tortured their fans every fucking year except 1994 since 1940 they've been torturing those motherfuckers they are one game away from going to the stanley cup finals um it's been a great see what a fucking game that was i mean it could easily be two two um just an incredible game yesterday and um i really enjoyed uh i've really been enjoying that series because um i know the canadiens aren't gonna quit i think they're gonna win the next one and uh then it'll be game six it's gonna fucking you know add pressure to the rangers like fuck we can't lose this one because we don't want to game seven with these guys

i'm basically praying for both series both the kings hawks and the rangers canadians to go seven games same thing with the basketball even though it doesn't look like it's going to um i want more hockey more hoop okay to bridge the gap between the end of those series and the beginning of nfl football but then again why am i shitting on the national pastime why don't i just fucking embrace that too that's what i should do i don't fucking know but um and then then the hawks king series it's just been fucking ridiculous um the hawks came out game one it they just look like what everybody thought they were just this this i guess they if they win it this year they are considered a dynasty

well you know what's funny is the level the amount of teams and how hard it is to win a championship has increased over the years that when i was a kid you had to win three in a row to be a dynasty and then three and four years like they gave it to the patriots where we won one buccaneers won and then we won we won we won three and four years and they said that was a dynasty and now hockey chicago won 2010 2013 and then if they win again this year they were gonna give them a dynasty um whatever you want to call it it's fucking impressive what they're doing because they lose guys every year but they're somehow able to to not um dip in quality like the way we did you know we made some moves got rid of tyler sagan some of those guys got a little bit older

a little little more inexperienced at the same time and i think that hurt us in the end what the hawks are doing amazing but then the fucking kings come roaring back was it six to two just kick their ass and then the hawks come back game three i think and it is just that was just like a heavyweight battle them just going at it and uh i can't can't wait if you listen to this podcast before game tonight jump on the fucking bandwagon if you just want to watch hockey at its highest level watch the kings hawk series it's fucking insane um actually try to get tickets for tonight didn't work out i don't think it's gonna work out called up my connection and it ain't fucking happening there but uh i'm definitely gonna be watching that series dry do you guys know

i'm one day away from 40 days without a drop of booze fucking brutal you know i swear to god if anyone's in a meeting right now and they try to give me one of those chips i throw it at them you know fucking throw it at them just start screaming i'm not enjoying this um i like that i've lost some weight but uh i'm getting ready to do a special everybody and tickets are on sale if you want to be at the live taping of my next special so you can say to your loved ones i was there when that hour of filth was recorded um i will have the link up tickets are going fast thank god i'm gonna be at the tabernacle in um it lana georgia and i can't wait to come back it's one of my favorite theaters and uh i'm really hoping um

i don't know i'm nervous about this one man i gotta try to top my last one which is the only thing you can really do is just try to top your last one and um i don't know yeah i gotta get myself in the mindset i'm not in the mindset yet that mindset has to be where you don't give a fuck but you do and you're having fun and you're improv and like i would during a normal show which so i basically have to block out that's the thing you block out that the cameras are there and then you also don't start thinking like oh fuck i missed a tag who gives a fuck nobody's gonna know okay you're not documenting the joke you're documenting like that night's performance of the joke and that's the way it came out once you do that then you can fucking free yourself up so

whatever i just want to fucking do it already i was supposed to be doing it the first week and i was gonna do it in san francisco but uh the fucking union's up there jeez is christ fucking beat i'm pro-unit beating the shit out of me you've got a fucking higher 15 guys to uh bring the mic stand out on the fucking stage and i'm like well fuck this place don't go across the street yeah it's gonna be 16 guys all right you know what all the leaves are brown fuck this town i went to atlanta i'm definitely coming back now i'm just gonna do i'm just gonna do san francisco i'm just not gonna do san francisco i'm just not gonna fucking film there it's not real you know bad i wanted to

i wanted to what those wacky unions um anyways what else am i talking about here um Jesus christ did i did i do all my topics already am i already into the questions well i am 30 minutes in um i'm actually supposed to be going to a uh to a blabber queue um i had the guy actually all my buddies over on uh on saturday and we watched game three of the king's game dude it was fucking great and um you know grilled up some steaks i'm one of those guys too i don't give a fuck i'll let somebody if somebody's like man let me grill those up go ahead and grill them up i don't give a fuck you know i was upstairs making the fucking garlic mashed potatoes like a fucking lady i don't care i really don't give a fuck i know that really fucks with my man card

that i have another guy come over here and jump on my grill i don't give a shit i really don't i just want to make sure people have drinks you know i'm up here wearing my apron i'm really in touch with my feminine side when i turn on my grill lawhead's cooked on it now court mccown fucking made the steaks on it you know it's not like i don't cook on it but i just i don't know the steaks look so good i actually got some anxiety is like i don't want to fuck these up court threw them on he handled them and i was up there i was up here and i made potatoes what a pussy uh jesus christ i'm like i hope my dad doesn't listen to this um i got a couple of the frozen ones up there i'll throw them on they'll make them for me and my wife what a pussy

anyways uh sorry this is making me fucking laugh i really am dude i'm either a fucking type a alpha male or i'm wearing an apron i really am a gemini it all depends on the situation i will either not take an ounce of shit or i will let you roll right the fuck over me as i hand you my wallet it all depends on the situation um yeah but it's called being a skit so i go fuck yourself um all right all right the big thing in my life is uh yesterday i went out and i bought a new snare drum and i can't wait because i bought this old Ludwig kit and i know i've been threatening a long time to be doing these drum covers but i'm getting close i got my drum kit and uh i bought an early 70s green sparkle all fucking bottom sizes and i'm like and of course they never come with

the snare i don't know what happens with the snare people just want to keep the fucking snare they break up the kit so i went out you know i was looking on the internet trying to find a fucking 1971 Ludwig six and a half by 14 fucking snare and i just can't find i was just like you know what why don't you just go buy a new one and then you know one comes along and you whatever you add it to the fucking kit who gives a shit but uh i bought it and now does it sound sweet it sounds sweet and i've been practicing a lot i've been on the practice pad big time and what i learned yesterday when i got behind a kit is the practice pad is not a drum kit and i sounded like shit and then what was funny was i went over to go buy a snare drum afterwards and when they were trying to see

if they had a hodgel case for it i was uh i got down i sat on one of those the v drums the electronic kits and um those things sound so unbelievable like i was joking with the buddy now dean del re from the uh let there be talk podcast and the all things comedy network you know we went over there together and uh i was joking with the most with those electronic drums like you sit behind a real kit you're like oh my god i suck thank god nobody's here to listen to this you get behind the electronic kits and you just like how come i'm not in a band i'm fucking awesome like they sound so unbelievable and they're so forgiving um i sat down on those uh those v drums i'll tell you right now if you ever wanted to play drums and you're worried about how loud they're gonna be and you

just want to have fun you gotta get get the fucking v drums and this is not a commercial just get this is just me saying this just get the fucking v drums because you can actually control the volume of them you can play them with headphones you can be downstairs your wife can't even hear it whatever your roommates or whatever if you live in an apartment all you do is you go out and you get you know those little i think i've talked about this before you know those things those overly protective parents get in the playroom those interlocking like little rubber spongy floor things so if your kid falls down he doesn't hurt himself you just get those and you get two layers of it and you put it underneath the kit and then you go downstairs

to your downstairs neighbor you say hey my name's so-and-so this is my phone number all right if i'm ever playing and you're at home call me up and i will stop immediately if anybody has a problem with that they're a cunt and then you should play it two in the morning all right there you go so that's what's going on in my life let me read the last of the advertising here and we'll get into your questions there oh by the way the all things comedy once a month we do a show we do a stand-up show and the little money that we make goes to help paying the rent at our studio we do it at the bootleg theater tomorrow night listen to this fucking lineup all right we got we got dave kekner david kekner from uh anchorman we got dana gould dana gould one of the greatest

stand-up comics ever that's what we got we got al madrigal and we got that we got the muscle from the rose ball tailgate legend joe bartnick that's just four we got tom papa tom papa it's a it's a it's a killer line there's not a better fucking show in los angeles tomorrow night you got to go out you got to go check it out help support the all things comedy network um i i would appreciate it as would everybody else over here at all things comedy all right hulu plus everybody hulu plus you've probably tried hulu on your computer hulu plus is so much more with hulu plus you can watch current season episodes of your favorite shows like modern family the daily show and scandal and watch every episode of shows like nashville

my wife loves that show lost and dr who you get ad-free movies and kids show too kids shows too sorry now more than ever there is so much to watch take total control with hulu plus to stream these shows and thousands more as much as you want wherever you want hulu plus works on your computer smartphone oh smart tv rocu apple tv xbox playstation pretty much any streaming device you already own you can even watch on your i on your phone or your ipad while on the train at work at the dentist or in the bathroom you can even block off a data bent to binge dude i got to start doing this man the way i'm on the road this is fucking great it's fucking great man i love it you'll also get access to originals all two originals that you can get anywhere else check out

the new show deadbeat a comedy about a pot smoking guy who talks to ghost binge on all 10 episodes starting april ninth uh for only 799 a month you get your shows anytime anywhere that's like a quarter a day come on people right now sign up at hulu plus dot com slash bill or click on the banner on my website and get two weeks full access completely free that's a whole extra week more with this special offer when you sign up at hulu plus dot com slash bill so get with it and start streaming tv now with hulu plus and last mercifully the last read of this week sorry guys i'm extra bad this week uh legal zoom everyone america was built by innovators and dreamers jesus that's a rosy picture innovators dreamers and homicidal maniacs uh people like thomas eddison oh what a

swell guy he was and henry ford oh yeah that anti-semite laid the foundations for our country i don't know if he was i don't know if i'm confusing henry ford walled disney these days it's the if you know what that's not even their fault it's just because of when they were born that was acceptable these days it's the inventors and the entrepreneurs all around us like you that keep our country running by fueling the job market and the economy this month legal zoom celebrates innovation by helping you launch your dream apply for a patent to secure your invention exactly this is exactly if you're out there inventing stuff you need legal zoom to to get a patent before those corporate you know what's steal it from you all right and if they

want to buy your idea don't ever give them ownership of it ever you never give up ownership all right i was kidding if you don't give them part ownership they'll just steal it from you and be like what go ahead and sue us i'm telling you people we need to march up that solar road sorry apply for a patent to secure your invention register your trademark to protect your products and services incorporate or form an llc and launch your business this is how you do it people this is how you protect yourself visit legal zoom dot com and use the discount code burr burr they'll provide the personal attention you need and help take care of all the details they've helped over one million businesses get started and get started right and they received an a plus from the better

business bureau these are the guys everybody celebrate innovation with legal zoom today and get a special price on trademark copyright or provisional patent applications by using the discount code burr burr check out once again legal zoom provides legal help through independent attorneys and self-help but they are not a law firm legal zoom dot com discount code burr that's the way you set it up everybody if you got a great idea you have to protect yourself from day one because they will try and steal it from you all right every business is the same my business is no difference all right you write the show you bring it to them we love it we own it and then we're going to pay you this and then in during residuals that gets cut in half and it gets cut

in half again and then one day we're sending you checks for six cents and we're still collecting millions and then if you audit us we're going to label you as difficult that's how it works everybody so go to legal zoom all right okay here we go um let's what does this say good mail good emails also mentioned the monday morning podcast oh yeah the monday morning podcast we have our own twitter account finally if you'd like to follow the mm podcast and get the links for all the uh videos and all the stuff that i talk about follow us here at the mm podcast um our twitter handle is at the mmp uh podcast at the mm podcast and mmp is all capitalized all right okay here we go uh first one Bruins bill why didn't the Bruins just take out kerry price ranger figured this out in game one

um ah come on man you don't want to do that shit you don't want to deliberately hurt somebody but i will say that i don't think kerry price is quite as good as people say is if you go up top you got the guy unless you miss it every fucking time the way we did we really uh we really screwed the fucking pooch but um i definitely think he's one of the elite goldies in the league but i wouldn't i think i'd say the king's my quick is the best is it my quick are my is that the fucking guy from the eagles i'm so fucking old i just combine generations of people i gotta look this up now jonathan quick my quick yeah my quick play for the eagles i knew that didn't sound right

i've watched people i've watched all three fucking games and they've said jonathan quick a zillion times and i still sit my quick i my fucking brain stopped retaining information somewhere around the late 80s early 90s my apologies to jonathan quick i think he's the best i'll tell you i don't think is as fucking good as his num his numbers is uh the black hawks crawford i just think he has an incredible group of people in front of him and uh he plays with the lead a lot so people can get back on deep but i've noticed you know all of a sudden they start chasing it a little bit they gotta take their chances i'll tell you that five holes looking pretty tasty there um sorry anyways whatever uh i gotta be honest with you if we took out carry price i mean i don't

think it would have made a difference the canadiens they were just better than us and they're moving in the right direction and i hope that we do so uh there you go all right all right dilemma the dilemma here for the week bill i haven't heard you read a dilemma in a while here's one would you rather fight three rabid dogs with the thirst for blood with a sword oh yeah i could fucking take them out or take your chances with one bullet and a bear coming at you from a hundred yards away keep in mind the dogs can kill you and that it can take more than one bullet to kill a bear absolute fucking lulely i know that hey i don't know that i've just watched enough youtube videos

um i saw actually saw youtube videos wanting watching one of those fail wind videos and why do they always have to put a picture of some hot chick bending over and then she's never in it it's like i'm gonna watch it anyways what do you get my hopes up for watching people fail and and succeed is compelling it's compelling enough you don't have to put some chick with the fucking you know bikini covered clam fucking winking at me in the beginning of it and then it's not there that's false advertising your cunts you know what i'm doing is i'm starting to just click on the ones that don't have that fucking pussies stand on the merit of the footage you stole but anyways i was watching one of those fail wind videos and uh it was this guy he was

hunting wild boar and he fucking shoots at the thing he misses and the fucking thing turns around and just starts running at him he misses again and then he fucking ran away dude you just got your best what are you gonna outrun a fucking wild boar you're not unless your truck's right there i'm telling you you got to just stand there if i had to shoot a fucking bear in the head you got to shoot him in the fucking head you got to wait to the absolute last second i'm talking about urinating down both sides of your pant leg just stand there like and just waiting so you can almost feel his breath and you better have a fucking 50 caliber and you just fire that fucker um

100 yards away fuck that fuck that oh my god and you know you can feel the earth shaking is that things coming at you i mean i'm just telling you you're that's just come all organs fail at that point uh fuck that uh uh rabbit dogs fuck yeah absolutely with the sword the great thing about a sword is that gives me a little bit of distance all right how do i meet these rabbit dogs am i lowered into a pit is this seeing me are they running at me fall three are running at me i stand there and right as they the first one starts to leap i do a little sidestep a little sachet if you will and i fucking just come right down

whatever whatever meat i can hit and at that what i'm going to do is i'm actually going to alligator arm it because the last thing i want to have happen is for that sword to get stuck and that thing's flesh is the other two take take it oh i'm really getting into this i'd fucking give him a nice fucking right there fred right little chop to him set him to the side then the other fuckers even if one of them's bite me my move is i'm hacking your leg i'm hacking your fucking dog and the people right now are like oh my god i love dog shut up it's hypothetical and they're rabid they got to be put down anyways and they're trying to kill me oh billy red face who the fuck side you on here so that that would be my big move

that would be my my big move like i've always thought if i was ever hiking and somebody i came upon somebody getting mauled by a a mountain lion if ever i was actually i mean i mean i know what i would do in real life i'd be like well sucks for him didn't see that sorry what am i supposed to do get mauled to so i can get on the news fuck that um but if for some reason if was somebody i gave a shit about and they were gonna die i would i would run like a native american really fucking softly and i would leap in the air and i would fucking matt cook that mountain lion one of his back legs i would just fucking land on its leg and try to blow out you know and its and its lateral fucking movement and it would just fucking you know

the great thing about wild animals the great thing about animals in general is they don't have a fucking ego okay so they're just kind of like you know when something like that happens they're just like okay i need to go lay down and heal even though that's not going to fucking heal that's that's i don't know so whatever that's that's how i would take the three dogs i would give a nice jab with the sword to the first one that came to me i'd take the bite of the second one i'd hack the leg of the third one and then i'd fucking start finishing them off that's what i would do and then i would go to the hospital uh with all three carcasses and i would say uh i got bit by two out of three of these they're all fucking rabid and uh go ahead stick those needles

in my stomach let's get it over with and chain me little radiator let's see if i go mad or something you know shit all right i like the dilemmas let's bring the dilemmas back i also like youtube videos of the week that was a lot of that was a lot of fucking things out there oh remember back then we used to have topics all right corporate bullies dear bill i used to be a bully not a terrible one but the harmless eddy haskell type um all right see more just you're just like a just an asshole all right harmless as i may have been i'm sure i hurt some feelings it made some experiences less fun for those at the other end my question to you is how can i make this right um i know i can't trace down the kids i grew up with but i see people being dicks in corporate

america and want to call them out without losing my job do i tease them in the same style we did as children or take a serious route and give a denzel speech all right first of all why can't you track down the kids you grew up with it happens all the time on facebook i bet you can find a lot of them you can go to a high school reunion um you could do it that way i think that would be a great thing to make you feel better and say hey i'm an adult now i shouldn't have done that sorry that i uh i dumped your books and gave you a fucking wedgie whatever the fuck you did um um i don't know how that works in corporate america i wouldn't give a denzel speech uh that those speeches only work in the movies um do i tease them in the same style we did is children

well you know what you need to elaborate they're bullying people um i don't know you know in the job place if somebody's getting bullied that's really just on them you know and then just the amount of shit that they've decided that they want to take in life you know it'd be one thing you know if someone was like you know putting his secretary in a headlock and was giving her noogies you know what i mean there was a bunch of fucking former athletes beating on some former athlete you know hanging outside his cubicle waiting for him to go over to the water bubbler they push him in a broom closet and fucking rough him up yeah then you got to do something but if it's just like mental torture um what i would do is i would walk up to the person getting bullied

when you get a chance and just say listen man you got to stick up for yourself stop taking that shit what's the guy gonna do throw his cuff links at you what are you afraid of fuck him um but i know in the work environment you can't say hey fuck you you have to come more you have to sit down just say can i talk to you for a second and then they'll listen to you and then you gotta be like yeah listen i just noticed you've been uh you know coming at me in a manner that that sort of indicates to me that you're not pleased with something about me and i was just wondering what that was you know and just leave it that see what that is and then you know if they want to sit you know if they want to sit there and try and make your life miserable at that point

um i because i know there's all that passive aggressive horseshit that goes on in an office um but i have not fortunately never worked in that arena tell you what you know what i need a little help on this one everybody um can you guys write in some not really corporate bullies things can you write in uh some passive aggressive shit that's been happening like they do they want you to quit so they keep doing stuff to you you guys got any stories out there i think those are interesting i think those would help me fill up a fucking hour here on the block at um all right so yeah i i i would go to high school reunion i'd go to a high school reunion i think it'd be weird to reach out to somebody on facebook hey sorry for being a dick go to a high school reunion

say to their face you know i would do that i wouldn't reach out on facebook facebook is just fucking weird um anyways all right kid kid movies uh dear billy the kidless uh just when you think there's not an original one left that's a fucking great one he said i'm a father of two little girls congratulations congratulations um all my free time is spent with them and there's a lot of kids programming's happening in my life i was wondering the other day does bill like any kids movies classics like the goonies or disney animation don't worry even if you don't like any now you will enjoy them when your own child is getting all giggly and bubbly over the sight of a little mermaid um of course i do i mean i didn't the goonies i was too old when

that came out i was already a teenager so i was watching more quality cinema like young blood and uh roadhouse um let me see here what do i oh yeah i like all the disney stuff um i never liked mickey mouse's voice though i liked goofy i liked pluto donald duck was fucking hilarious why did they always make the duck be the dick you know did warner brothers rip off donald duck with daffy duck i hate and i hated daffy duck by the way i couldn't stand that fucking dude and after a while i didn't like bugs bunny either bugs bunny always won so he was fucking annoying and daffy duck was just kind of this piece of shit you know he just you know he just would do shit to fuck himself over you're not flying south for the winter and now i'm supposed to feel bad for you

you clio i gotta give you another bath what's wrong with you do you need a flea treatment daff clio dio huh you know what's funny about her when she's anticipating me either saying if she wants to oh she's already i can't even say want go to a play basically outside or go for a ride her ears she's staring at me right now perk up that she looks like bat ears her eyes like her eyes she just locks in on me the psycho pit bull look your ears come up and she just stares at me with all senses like did he just say what i said thought he said i would actually get her riled up but it's a mean thing to do you want me to do it fine i'll do it you want to hear her howl she does this every once in a while clio

clio do you want to go for a ride huh clio clio do you all right we'll go in a second we'll go in a second go lay down go lay down sorry got y'all excited you know what i just did i just did like those fail win videos i put the hot chick in the beginning didn't i i'm sorry buddy good girl we'll go in a minute okay um yeah i like um i didn't like the little mermaid i'm not into fish women it's just fucking weird and then there's always some sort of like the guy ends up fucking the fish woman

it's just it's fucking creepy like splash you know i mean this is really crude but i you just always think you know you just think the downstairs is going to be a little ripe if you know what i mean how do you tell do you look in her eye for eyes cloudy you don't go down there oh Jesus that's a fish joke everybody now that's how you pick out fresh fish hey you know what i actually looked up this recipe this is my favorite thing on youtube it's for garlic garlic mashed potatoes and this is how the guy the way the guy ends this video is so fucking priceless let me see if i can bring this up this is this is the youtube video of the week ah jesus with the advertising don't they know everybody hits fucking mute and then scrolls

down and you just look at the yellow bar that's what i do eight more seconds six more seconds three two one pan all right so basically uh this guy makes delicious side dish the parallel with meats poultry i just want you to hear this glad you did whoa whoa whoa shut up shut up shut all right here we go so he basically i just said shut up to a video it's how dumb i am he basically uh makes these garlic mashed potatoes you know in the end then they got to try it and tell you how fucking delicious it is this is it right here listen to what this guy says this is this fucking this made my week here we go recipe you'll be glad you did thanks for tubing in man that's good man that's good just a such fucking guy you could not get mad at that guy

i played that for nia right before we went to bed last night and she she almost fell out of the bed laughing he goes thanks for you tubing he goes that's the garlic mashed potatoes thanks for youtube and see you next time and then he puts the garlic mashed potatoes in his mouth and then he just goes man that's good you know what in his videos we'll get better because i've actually seen outtakes where he's actually more relaxed more like who he is he's just been doing him i don't know what's this from a few years ago whatever i always believe that people are gonna get better all right so here we go why'd we got one more read here all right first time dear billy go lucky

i'm gonna lose my v card next weekend jesus christ i always that always surprises me when people know when they're gonna lose their virginity doesn't just happen like it did for me you know like that's never gonna happen and then somebody just grabs your dick and you're like oh shit here we go whoo then you're driving home yeah i didn't know people planned it right i like i just said somebody just grabs your dick like it could be anybody like some fucking 60 year old man gross um what was i gonna say like you guys actually plan this shit out it's going down next sunday um i'm gonna lose my v card next weekend me and the girl are corny high school lovebirds and it couldn't be more right i think i know the answer to this question but i'll ask you anyways

should i blow it in her face oh no should i blow it in her face to commemorate the occasion then he says kidding real question should i think about mixing up positions or just keep it i i love making um yeah i i gotta be honest with you i i never i never hooked up with a virgin okay the woman it was a woman she was a woman that and and she had been around the block all right so there was no uh yeah i don't know i didn't have that experience uh i would probably say the first time you do it you don't want to flip her over um yeah this is a big responsibility i would try to keep it as loving and as nice as you can and uh i would probably do that the first half dozen to dozen times and then you know you know let her get comfortable there buddy

before you start fucking trying to you know what it is about your kids is the amount of porn you've probably watched the access that you have to it you know i wonder if if kids that's a fucking creepy thought sorry strike that we want to if i shouldn't even say kids teenagers of age i mean they gotta be better at it than we were we had no idea all you had was rumors when i was a kid you didn't know what the fuck you were doing you had to figure ages you just walked into the bush no fucking trail no nothing you guys are walking you guys are walking right down the open highway just do you know something i i didn't even the the thought of blowing it in some woman's face like i i didn't even you didn't even think who even thought of shit like that

i'm i'm trying to think when the facial came arrived when i was in high school like the two pornos i think i ever saw the big thing was when the vcr came out and then all of a sudden you know and then it was somebody had to have the balls to go into through those fucking saloon doors at the back of the video shop and you just fucking went in there he just grabbed one really quick what'd you get i don't know it had tits and then you fucking went out like nobody did that right nobody fucking i'm trying to think the first time i even saw that first time i saw that i thought it was fucking gross like a lot of porn you're like oh my god that's disgusting and then you're like oh my god that's the only thing that gets me off then you move to the next

level which is the danger of porn right you just keep going further and further down the fucking abyss the next thing you know you could work on a vice squad without getting sick while you're eating a fucking mayonnaise sandwich over there sorry this is getting gross but it's true and if elected no child under the age of 18 will be allowed to watch somebody bust it in somebody's face ask not whose face you can bust it in um yeah wow Jesus Christ i mean even like your question like how fucking uh advanced you already are if you never fucking did anything because when i like i said there was no video we had no game film when i was a kid that you guys can sit there and go over and over and over like fucking bill bellichick we had no there was no game

film and then because there was so little information you had to act like you knew everything and someone would bring something up and you and you'd be sitting there on the outside just total fucking world series of poker face and on the inside you were panicking going what the fuck are they talking about what is that i don't know what that is you know and i don't know if my dad knows what it is but i'm certainly not talking about it up to him because that's fucking gross just talking to him about it would be fucking gross and then a whole other levels he doing that to my mom i don't fuck does he know that right so i don't know so like i said just keep it i love making i would leave it at that all right and with that everybody that is the monday morning

podcast here for memorial day all right thank you to all the troops anybody who's ever served and for giving me the wonderful life that i have protecting my life and on and it means a lot more to me now that i actually you know got that chance to go over there to Omaha beach and everything added a whole nother level of reality to it so that is it so thank you to all the troops the rest of you guys go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you next week get your solar panels get your idea patented and if you're making love to a version this week let's try to keep an eye on guys all right see you you you