Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-27-21

Episode Date: May 27, 2021

Bill rambles with comedian and actor Jackie Flynn about the unhinged days of the Boston comedy scene.

All right, hey, what's going on is Bill Byrd. It's time for a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And usually I'm just checking in on you to see how your work week's going and that type of stuff, you know, to run my YAP. And every once in a while, I have a special guest. And this podcast is one of those special guest ones.

I have from a guy I started out with, well, I learned from when I started in Boston. He has gone on to tour the entire frigging world. He's been in like every Fairly Brother movie since something about Mary. And now he's landed a series regular role on, is it on Amazon? Amazon Prime.

Amazon Prime hit a louder milk starring Ron Livingston, Will Sasso, Brian Regan is in it. And the one and only Boston comedy legend, Jackie Flynn, everybody. Let me give me a big head, Bill. I am, no, I'm giving you a nice, you got a beautiful Hollywood head. I always felt you, you know, you got the jaw,

you had the head, you had everything, like actually this side by side, you got on one side what Hollywood was looking for, and then you got me. I'm more of the, I'm what's known as a character actor. Offbeat, good looks. That's the way I say, you're a weird fucker, but we'll find a place for you.

We'll fit you in. Dude, I gotta tell you, I watched the pilot of Louder Milk, Ron Livingston, who I worked with a long, long, long, long time ago. A lot of hair ago for me. I loved seeing him being the lead in anything. I always watched his stuff, so it was great to see him. And I watched the pilot, it's basically about a guy,

I don't know, how would you, a curmudgeon-y guy who? Yeah. He kinda, his first wife died. I don't wanna give away too much, but in a very tragic way that burdens him, right? Yeah, you're close, but there's a little bit of twist and stuff in there, but yeah, that's basically it.

Okay, all right, I only saw the first one. Yeah, I know. It was really, really tough afterwards, but yeah. And how many episodes did you guys do? We did three seasons of 10 each, so 30 episodes, and the hope is, is that it does well on Amazon Prime, and then they decide to make more seasons, because Peter Fairley produced and directed it

with Bobby Mort, they envisioned this being, eight, nine episodes, excuse me, eight, nine seasons long. So we're hoping we get the chance, because we've got so much stuff to delve into, it's just starting, it's just getting going really, and we've had a blast, and it builds every season. So you're already three seasons in a, how do you keep up with what the hell's going on?

How the hell, you've been a series regular on something for three seasons, and you haven't rubbed that in my face. Well, you know, I still wouldn't be able to come close to your, what you've been doing, but let me tell you, Bill, we shot it up in Canada, and it was on the Direct TV's audience channel, and nobody saw it, you know, forever, and then Direct TV kind of merged with HBO, or bought HBO,

and then now the HBO Max is there, so they made our channel, the audience channel, on Direct TV, a preview channel for HBO Max, and so we had no home, and then they've been shopping, you know, hopefully trying to find a home for it, and finally, they landed. Oh, so he's finally found a home. Yes, thank God.

Good deal, good deal, well, yeah, I'm excited. Well, now I'm gonna try to watch the whole thing, it's called Louder Milk, which I was like, what does that mean? Like, did you spike the milk? Is the milk gone bad? It's just the guy's last name. Yes.

Louder Milk. Sam Louder Milk, and not, you know. Louder Milk, you know, I worked in a movie one time, and the head bad guy's last name was Clap Hands. Clap Hands? His first name was Mr. his last name was Clap Hands. I had to be like, hey, I'm fucking working

for Mr. Clap Hands. Yeah, don't touch him. Stay away from him. Don't touch Mr. Clap Hands. It was a fun movie though, actually, you know, it's a good movie too, but like that, I like when they actually come up with some sort of, you know, offbeat name.

Yeah. I like that it's called Louder Milk because you go Louder Milk, what the fuck does that mean? And then you click on it. You know, it's funny too, there's actually a Congressman from like, I want to say North Carolina or something, that's Congressman Louder Milk. If you Google it, you'll see it comes up like

with a little underneath, like that's, I never heard that name Louder Milk. I actually didn't know it was the last name. How did Peter come up with that name? No idea. I don't know. I don't know if he even did. I think it might have been Bobby Moore,

I want to say for some reason, but I'm not sure they created the show together. And then, you know, we all right with me and Jimmy Dunn actually wrote with Pete, a couple episodes together in season two and three. Dude, you're all over this thing. I love it. And you got your plan, you're on here to promote

that you're going to be at Crackers in Indianapolis this weekend, right? Friday and Saturday, two shows, one at eight each night, just two shows, one Friday, one Saturday. So what's that, May 28th, May 29th? Yes, I'm out there for the Indy 500. Yeah, I told you, my daughter's boyfriend's an Indy car driver, which is the other craziest thing

in my life. Wait, is he driving in that race? Driving, he's in second place. He almost won the pole position by a 300th of a second. He lost it to Scott Dixon because he had some tape flapping on his car and it slowed him down. He should have taken the pole. Holy shit.

It's crazy. Yeah, I went over to Jackie's house, people watching this thing. I went over the other day, we watched a Bruins game before the playoffs started, smoke some cigars and all that type of stuff. And I met him briefly. I didn't know he was racing at that level.

I just, I don't know enough about racing. I just, I was like, all right. I didn't either. And now I'm like all in. I mean, I'm going to the, you know, I've been like, I'm watching, I know what kind of, whatever he means, qualifying, you know, laps, pit stops and there's a lot more

that goes into it than you have no idea. You know, growing up in Boston, I, you know, as a Boston, you know, fan of all, you know, just baseball, basketball, football, hockey and racing would be there and you kind of go, okay, you know, whatever. I just never really knew what it was. And now all of a sudden I'm a, I'm a fan.

Have you ever been to a Indy 500? Yes, a couple of years ago, I went the first time to see Colton and we're all excited and Colton's car shit the bed and he was five laps. He only lasted five laps out of 500. And so now we're hoping to God willing, he'll be better, you know, but it's also terrifying. The more I know the kid in the album,

it's terrifying watching. Yeah. Did you notice what's hilarious when I went to Indy 500 a long time ago, mid 90s, what was funny was the level of intelligence in the pits and then right across the track, when you went into the stand, all of us animals. Yeah.

You know that welcome race fans and back then you could bring your own cooler in and just get fucking blitzed. So there's just like, you know, there's not saying there's not some drunk gear heads in there, but for the most part it was a bunch of animals like me, you know, you just bet every car, like say there's 40 cars, you got five cars,

you got five cars, I got five. Everybody's like put money in your bed in like 50 different ways, just getting absolutely shit faced. And then literally sitting there, if one piece of whatever is out of alignment, they go from first place to second place or maybe back to fourth place.

So I always got kind of like, you don't see that in F1. F1 has a really snobby, sort of rich, richy, you know, fucking. Richy rich. Like crowd, but like the Indy 500. Yeah. That's a party man. I love it.

It's great. I'm really into it way more than I thought I'd be. And I, you know, of course I got a dog in the fight, you know, so, you know, I was on on fucking Michael Vick here, but no, I got a dog in the fight, you know, and I give a shit, you know? Well, tell me about, I started in Boston in 1992,

and you were just one of the guys that you're just like, this guy's fucking funny. This was back when, you know, we were all trying to get on like star search and comedy on the road and all of that shit. I can remember, go ahead. I'm sorry. Do you remember that showcase

when Ed McMahon came to the comedy connection in Boston and it was like, the deal was like he was, he was going out on the road this season to see the talent in person. And what I think what was really happening was the ratings were slipping. Yeah. So he had to go out,

he had to go out and go do a tour. And I remember he was there with this chick. He was over in the corner. So I never did the tonight show with Johnny Carson, but I performed in front of Ed McMahon. He sat way out stage left, you know, over in the corner. Sure. Yeah. We all went up trying to like,

took all our dick jokes out. We all tried to be like squeaky clean. Well, I didn't, I didn't do that because I had already prior to that a couple of years earlier lost on star search. So that's how long I was. It was like, I think I went on it like 90. I think I did star search and I lost a terrifying experience.

Yeah. What was that like? Did they shoot that during the day? Was it at night? It was like the late afternoon, it was down in Florida. We shot it. They used to shoot it in Hollywood. I think then they shot it in Florida,

like Treasure Island down there, you know, like a universal area there. And it was just crazy. And I lost, I lost a Catsey Chappelle who's a comic. I don't know if you ever heard of Catsey Chappelle and she literally had like a big, like wig thing on her. She like almost like pulled her head off at the end of the show.

Like that was her big thing. It was just the craziest thing. And I thought, did you have to go on after it? No, I did. I think I went up, I got, I got 3.4 star. You get four stars. I got 3.9 star, whatever I got, I got like as much as you can get without getting four stars

and she got four stars and beat me. And I was like, I wanted an investigation. It was like, were you in the money round at that point? No, I was just starting out, you know, I was just trying to, you know, whatever. But I mean, I did as good as I could do. You get two minutes, you know? I felt like a freaking egg, you know?

It's just ridiculous. Well, as people will notice, dude, you're the rapid fire guy. So like in those two minutes, what did you do, 40, 50 jokes? I probably did besides, I don't think there's anyone faster besides Gavin, maybe, you know?

I mean, Gavin, you know, makes me look slow. But I can remember, Billy, when you said you came around, I remember 90, I can remember like clear as day, you hanging out, we hanging out in the green room and the finial hall comedy connection, you know, with Frank, you know, when Frank used to run it and Frank or her in there and God bless him. And I remember you just as big, you shocker, right?

I just, yeah, this kid, you had like, you were so happy to go lucky. Yeah, if people knew you then, like I always have trouble, you know, reconciling the you of now with that, because you're just so, to me, I always have that in a view of you in my brain. And then I see you.

Oh yeah, I was little Billy Burr, I was just a kid. And I, it probably took another six years before I developed fully into an angry young man. You know, it all takes us six months. Which by the way, dude, we know what the hell you're doing, you know? I know, but I gotta tell you,

I in this year, I've been going to therapy and I just unburdened myself of all of that shit that made me angry. And now I'm in this weird place, dude, where like, not being angry, like it feels good, but it doesn't feel like home. So like, I don't know what to do with all this space in my chest now.

And I'm sitting there like. I know what happened to you too, you had, you had kids and kids, you know, you start to think differently, you know? That whole thing is a whole different life changing event, I think, and, but you know. Because you think like, I can't, I can't pass this on again.

No, this has to die, this has to die with me. What did, yeah, like, I mean, that's why I quit drinking. Dude, I was like getting fucking like blitzed. My daughter would be upstairs and I'm like, oh my God, I'm gonna be the dad who drinks. And there were like nights, dude, not naming nights, there was months in a row where almost every night I would sit down

and I would watch me TV. I'd watch like a bunch of Adam 12s or something. And I would just get fucking like drink three big ones and just get fucking hammered. And I, and there was always that guilt going like, God forbid something happened and you had to take it to the hospital right now, you couldn't do it.

So it makes you sobering, no pun intended. You know, and it really is, it makes you a, it makes you rethink a lot of stuff and what's important and, you know, comedians, I mean, shit, I used to say that too, it's a Monday night and I'm at a club, you know, Tuesday night, say, call it. And I'm drinking six beers.

And I'm like, you know, now they thought you should have six beers a week, you know? And I'm like a Tuesday going, what the fuck, you know? Like, and I'm not, I really never found, I don't feel like I'm an alcohol, you know, I definitely, you know, drink more than the average, but I'm saying, I'm saying, they're going, jeez, you know, I'm drinking six beers on a Tuesday night,

you know, two beers before going on stage, one on stage, someone sends you a fucking shot, you know, God forbid the three show Saturday nights. I remember like, yeah, every comic has one show that you just kind of were repeating jokes and shit, you know, man, I'll never do that again, you know? Weren't you, you were a beer on stage guy, I think. I think you used to go up, what was your drink?

Was it a butt or a butt light? I used to have butt light and then I went to, Mick Ultra, you know, always trying to watch my girlish figure, you know, and still get drunk. So when you go back and watch your tapes, you guess what, you're not by the outfit, but by what beer you're drinking? Well, beer I'm drinking, yeah.

And Corona, that was about, I'm about 94, a rolling rock is really, would really date, yeah, I would think. Yeah, I just, you know, I just remember, I remember one year, the owner of the comedy connection started charging us for beers. I remember, I was so fucking outraged, and I made my own little protest, you know?

I said like, you gotta make money on your headliner? I mean, really, you know, I mean, so I ended up bringing my own butt light into the green room. I left the butt light cans all because I didn't sell cans obviously, so I just made my little protestation, you know? Well, I mean, to be fair to the club owner,

I mean, guys- Yeah, Noxie. Yeah, guys as hard as they kill could drink just as hard, like Kevin Knox. Could put him away, rest his soul. Man, I remember when Noxie, like, right after he would finish a triathlete, this guy with this guy, Kevin Knox, right? Boston comedy legend for people not familiar with him,

had this big lion's mane of like hair, right? This mullet. Oh, you were in tennis outfit. Yeah, and he always came in in a track suit. And it just, and it wasn't like, you know, like a hipster thing, like he was, he was the guy hipsters dressed like, like the Royal Tenon Bombs were dressing like him,

how he really dressed, and he would come up there and just absolutely fucking murder. And then, and he would party afterwards, but then he always was getting ready for a triathlon. And when he would get ready for a triathlon, he would be totally fucking clean and sober. But then the second he finished the thing, he would immediately pick up,

but I can't imagine how the strain in your heart doing that. And I saw him one night down at the comedy connection, he was so shit-faced, he couldn't remember his jokes. And I remember, he used to do some quick little joke between comics, cause he would always host the show. And he was making fun of that beer commercial, like, like, hey, I'll, I'll, I'll raise you to the bottom for a Mikalov light.

Remember that ski commercial? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he was just like, fuck you, I'll buy one. You know, it was just a stupid joke. And he went like that, he was so shit-faced, he just goes, all right, she's in the bottom of a Mikalov light. And he just goes, huh, made like this noise and gave the crowd the finger.

And they're like, looking at him like, what the fuck? He just got it out. No, and then he was like going for the laugh. Dude, he looked like he was on everything. And that was like, I actually loved that set because I felt like all of that shit happened all the time. Like, right, I showed up right as the party ended. I showed up in 92, the 80s boom was over.

Every comic was opening with like, you know, so I've been sober for three months. I've been sober for fucking a year. Everybody, like the whole fucking thing. That's happened a lot in my career, by the way. You know, he used to always do that. He used to have those woo-woos. Remember those shots, the red, like,

vodka and cranberry, it was called a woo-woo. And he'd be doing that woo-woo. And everybody would be lined up and he'd have all those fucking minions. You know, he'd be giving everybody their shots, like Jim Jones and fucking, you know, Diana. I was afraid to drink with them. I actually didn't, there was a period where I didn't drink

because I saw how it affected all of those people's careers. Wasn't really, that was more the blow. And all those guys had like, you know, the IRS was garnishing their wages and they couldn't leave the state. I'm telling you, there's a fucking show in there somewhere. Absolutely. Yeah, but then I showed up and I started out

with Dane Patrice and Bobby Kelly and they were all, like Dane never drank, Bobby was sober and Patrice just wasn't into drinking. So I hung with them, thank God. Cause dude, I would have been, I would have been a, I would have fell in with you, lunatics. I'll tell you, I always, for some, I always just, I don't know why I just always had that shut off switch.

Thank God, you know, obviously a couple of times now, but to the most part in my life, I always just, I don't know, I just couldn't do it. I didn't have that, I didn't have the addictive personality. I mean, people can hang around with me for a whole weekend and then never give me another fucking thought. Good night everybody. No, but I seriously, I never had that fucking type of,

you know, addictive, you know, type thing, but I do remember Patrice, I remember Patrice, fuck, he was a doorman when I was headlining there. I used to come in and he'd be like, Jackie, and he was the fucking most fun. And, you know, never have a dream and that he'd be per piece eventually someday. You know what I mean?

And all of a sudden he started doing open, I remember seeing him go fucking Patrice. All right. You know, and all of a sudden, you know, again, God bless him, but Jesus, that was just surreal to me, you know? Yeah, no, I'm kind of thankful that that whole time existed. You know what was great back then too was like,

I mean, George Carlin had an opener, but other than that, first of all, everyone was working clubs. So you couldn't really afford to bring a guy on the road with you. No. So we all got to work with open for all of these huge acts, they'd come to town

and remember like the club would call you up? I remember I got to do a weekend with David Allen Greer. Remember that, that chickapee run or whatever the hell it was that Hukilao? Yeah, the Chinese joint. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, comedy and Chinese places in Boston.

Yeah, cool, cool. The Hukilao, the Hong Kong's. Yeah, like they're just, they Asian people like are as responsible for the Boston comedy scene as the comedians, because they were all about it. They were like, yeah, get your friends in there. We're getting poo poo platters. Yeah.

It's not a shit joke. That's what they call them back there. And you know what, Bill, the Akua Ku in Cambridge, I grew up in Arlington. We used to go there at night, you know, after drinking at a place called Faces, right on route two there. We go to Akua Ku for like prom night and stuff.

And years later, I'm doing standup in there. It was the most surreal thing in the world. I think Dick Darty was booking it, right? I always try to find that place. Like, what is that today? They probably just bury it. It's called the Summershack. No, it's Summershack.

It's like a Boston, like a fish joint, like kind of. Is it still the same structure? I think they changed it. I've spent a long time since I've been by there too. But just right there, you know, as you go over Fresh Pond Bridge right there, you know. Yeah, because I remember that was like, yeah, Dane was from Arlington too.

So that was right around the corner from his house. Yeah. Dane overtook me. I was the Arlington guy, and then all of a sudden Dane came. I'm like, what the fuck? How many guys could be from Arlington? They got Alder, Lenny, they got Michael Pryor. I'm like, what the fuck?

I started to fucking just, you know, it's sterical to me. Who did you, when I came up, I opened for David Allen. Everyone from David Allen Greer to like Wendy Liedman. Yeah. I used to do gigs with Wendy. We used to do gigs all the time, or road gigs. Like Barry Katz would send us in these hellholes. But you know who I did open for that?

I was most excited about it. I'm still waiting for the money? Yeah, yeah, yeah, right? So I think Billy Don still owes me a couple hundred bucks. But anyway, I was working, for me, my dad was a big fan, and I ended up, like the Tonight Show and stuff, but I got to open for Steve Allen, which is crazy. I mean, I mean, talk about a Renaissance guy.

My dad used to say Steve Allen, my dad had the greatest sense of humor anyone I knew. And he would just howl, my dad would have tears in his eyes, you know, Steve Allen on whatever, but you know, when he used to run the night show, way before I was even born. But then I got, my other dad's favorite comedian was Pat Cooper. And I get to open for Pat Cooper,

and life was always so bittersweet. You know, the only guy you want to impress is your old man. Of course, my dad's dead, and I'm opening for Pat Cooper. I'm eating in Federal Hill in Rhode Island, you know, Providence Seaton, Italian dinner with him, and then, you know, driving him to the club, and he's telling me shows, stories. It's just incredible, just incredible.

Matt Cooper is arguably the most underrated comedian, as far as, like, how funny he is, how long he's been that funny. Yes, and how much energy he had. I opened for a bill, I was like in my 30s, maybe, and he was 60-something. And I'm telling you, he had more energy than me. I never seen anything like it,

and nonstop for an hour on stage, just killing it. Yeah, I will tell you, unresolved anger is like rocket fuel for the comedian, which is what I'm worried about. I'm going to end up being like a fucking yoga instructor, but I had to do it because... Unfortunately for Pat, he should have been a big, big star, and I also commend him for this, because he spoke his mind,

and he never took any shit, and unfortunately, to his demise, you know, it hurt him. But he told me some stories by heart. I look at him like he saw it was the white version of Patrice, where it was just like, I mean, I don't know, I shouldn't speak for Pat Cooper like that, but like, I remember Patrice was one of these people where it was just like, if you just didn't say that last thing,

it was there, you had it. Everybody's got to make a little bit of a compromise. Yeah, to play nice with the sandbox. He couldn't do it. He couldn't do it. The last second they were going to give it to him. I wish I wasn't such a pussy sometimes, and I wish I could say some stuff,

or do say some stuff, you know? Dude, you know how many times I thought that? You know how many times to this day, sometimes I just do shit and just accept it, and I just think like, oh, God, I just wish I had that Patrice thing. Yeah, we all do. It's almost like the same way

when you're driving down the road and some guy does something, and you start thinking about what you fucking should have done. I should have stopped and pulled that guy out of his car. Yeah. Shit that you should have done, and it aggravates you for the next thing. It's better not to do it because there's no... No upside.

Yeah, you know, that whole, that Sinatra song, I remember Patrice used to play that thing. I did it my way. Yeah, yeah. And not the words of one who kneels, and he'd be singing this shit going like, dude, this is like great advice if you know how to apply it. Yeah, yeah.

It's like all those contradicting sayings. So let me ask you this, during like this whole pandemic, you know, you got this weekend coming up at Crackers in Indianapolis, how have you been working out your stuff? You know, I've only, this will be my third or fourth time on stage since the pandemic started. I was, I went from March, I came home March 16th.

I was doing, I was supposed to do the same Patties, they giggled down in Naples, Florida, and they canceled it. And then so I flew home the 16th of March, and then I didn't do anything, and then November, I had a gig down in Florida, a corporate gig, and I needed too much money, and I couldn't say, I needed to do it. I hadn't worked in frigging nine months.

So I go and do the gig in Florida at this like private golf club type thing, was outdoors in a tent, but still like nearing a mask and sight, you know, and it was like, I actually almost opened with, you know, nice to be here. I never played at Trump rally before, but I figured that would lose half the crowd or all the crowd.

So I, instead I opted for the less offensive, nice to be here at Camp COVID. So I do that, and then I do all right, but it was great. I tell you what, bro, I always go too fast. So this made me go slow, because I was literally trying to remember my shit, so it was actually kind of good,

and it also gave me a new fond love for comedy again, because I wasn't just phoning it in. You know, sometimes you get into the routine, you know? Oh yeah, no, that's the kiss of death. Let me ask you this, what is the, why do you think your style, like go in that fast? Where like, you ever just like look at, like when I look at early tapes of me,

I'm going really fast, and I am pacing the stage, and for me, it was, I realized it was a confidence, it was nervous energy, but like you've been doing this for fucking ever, and you smooth the silk on stage ever since I've known you, and are you one of those guys where when you lay down at night, like your brain is torturing you with thoughts,

is it just talking around? Not so much, I do have a lot of thoughts, and I wish I was a better editor. Like, you know- I have a lot of thoughts, I think about stuff. No, I mean, like, let's put it this way, first of all, I think it was a Boston thing, because God forbid, I used to call it,

like you have to kill the silence, God forbid there's any silence, you know, you have to like, you can't, you know, you have to get, there can't be silence, you have to be laughing at all time, or you're talking, you know, nothing, can never be fucking a pause. And I learned from Gavin, and you know, although guys, I think guys I learned from didn't do that,

like Kenny Rogers, and you know, was another mentor of mine, you know, but anyway, my personality just fit more like with Gavin's, and I was always, and I think it was a nervous thing, you didn't want to have any fucking silence, or confidence thing, you know, you had to make sure, God forbid there's a pause, you know what I mean, so,

but to answer your other question, at night, you know, I do have like, you know, jokes and stuff, but I don't have a, I don't edit well, my biggest problem is that, if I could edit better, I could be a lot more effective, I think too. When you, what was your childhood like? Did you have a big family? Did you have to fight, get words in?

Me and my two sisters, I was the oldest, and I had two sisters that are, you know, younger, one 11 months younger, and one like six years younger, but my dad was a maniac, my dad like, you know, my dad, I love my dad, but he was like, you know, I was always walking around with pins and needles, you know, if my dad was in a good mood, everything was good, but God forbid he was in a bad mood,

you know, I was always walking around on eggshells, you know? That was everybody's dad. Yeah, my dad's a maniac, I love the guy, he's a fucking maniac. Well, I come over, Bill, I lived on a big street, at Big Hill, and literally when report cards came, I remember like being nervous wrecking,

I come over the hill, and if his car was in the fucking driveway, I'd have a fucking pit in my stomach going, oh, you know, cause he'd make a big dramatic thing about it, you know, one time, you know, just, I sure he was winking at my mom afterwards, you know, and he'd take my report card and throw it, you know, and you know, and I'd be like sitting there fucking, you know, terrified, and I mean, you know,

and I don't want to paint the wrong picture, cause my dad, he had the greatest heart, great guy, but if he could do over, I'm sure he would do something different. I know, but they didn't have the tools, the information wasn't out there, dude. No, they didn't know they were out there. You lived in the bubble of your neighborhood,

yours is smart as the people on your street, there wasn't this, like now where, you know, like the fucking access people have with the internet, you know, it's a good and a bad thing, but like, you know, I always equate it to like learning an instrument. Like back in the day, he had to like slow the wreck down, figure it out, but now you can go on fucking YouTube and you could literally have the guy who played it,

show you how to play it and just, it's like, your teacher is the whole fucking universe. Well, we just grew up on like, wherever you grew up, dude, you could, there was like a different kind of ignorance in each town, cause it was, you were all just in living in these pods, feeding off of each other. I remember, Bill, I remember one night, I was telling my buddy this, my dad and his buddies

were drinking, you know, and they're outside. You remember the bats, like, you know, and, you know, an hourly through the summer, we looked in the woods, kind of like this bats, my dad and his buddies had a 12-gauge shotgun, they were fucking shooting the bats out of the sky in the middle of the fucking night in the neighborhood, like 10 at night. I mean, where the fuck would that ever fly, you know?

Just like, you're kidding me. No, there's so much stuff, if there was, if there was video and all of that stuff, you would definitely be, you'd definitely be in trouble. But anyway, let's talk, let's talk a little Boston sports, dude, like what, what would it, two Boston guys, what would a Massachusetts guys, what would it be like if we didn't talk sports here?

So we got to have and to have knots with the Bruins and the Celtics. The Celtics are just up against. Yeah, too much. Whatever the NBA is now, where everybody just sort of, you know, jumps on two or three different teams, we're not one of the teams everybody's jumping on right now. So we're getting a fucking asses handed to us.

Well, I tell you what, I've been, I've not as, it's funny. Basketball, I don't follow it like I used to, like in the Celtics, you know, the playoffs, I watch and stuff, but I'm not a big, big basketball guy anymore, I used to with Larry Bird and Magic, those that era, I loved it. You know, I was younger and more into it, I guess. But you didn't watch right through Jordan?

I thought it was great right through Jordan and watching those Spurs teams. But I felt like the Kobe Shaq Lakers was sort of foreshadowing what was gonna happen where it became, I mean, it seems to be like it's really good for their business model because it's not like it only works in LA. Like a bunch of people, I think,

watched when Golden State, you know, when Kevin Durant was on there and like, so I think people, I feel like they create like mini dream teams now. And they just sort of play each other and you're gonna, like, I don't know, you just gotta hope that your teams, one of those teams that does it, I guess, I don't know. I guess for me too, it's always been what bothered me.

First of all, I got really annoyed with the whole refs, the cheating scandal. I was betting on Sacramento in that fucking game and I called it, I said, this is a fucking bag job. I'll never forget it. I saw the whole thing, like Kobe like literally trampled Vladdy at the following line and like ran over him to get the ball

and they called the follow on Vladdy and I'm like, are you kidding? It was the most, and sure enough, that's the fucking game they were talking about being in the bag. I went to Celtics Utah Jazz game. And I watched that officiating crew because they put it on that Donahue guy.

They put it on like one guy. Yeah, yeah. Like, first of all, if you and I were on an officiating crew and I'm shaving points, how many games are you officiating with me before you figure it out? Yeah, exactly. Like what the fuck is Bill doing over there, right? And I was watching the Utah Jazz play

at the Boston Celtics in Utah. And I watched them like change how they were calling the game like four times during that game. Where it was like, oh, they're letting them play tonight. Oh, no way. And now they're calling everything. Now they're letting them play again. It was like they were switching out officiating

because it was like, it was always the tone was set. And I remember going down the cell and just saying, the fucking NBA is fixed and it didn't help it. I was also talking about the Bilderberg group and the fucking, you know, the Federal Reserve. So they just thought I was a nut job. So when that ref finally got busted, I was so like felt so vindicated.

Yeah. And I was like, you see, and then they did the Oswald thing. Ah, he acted alone. It was just him. Well, I'll tell you, in that same game, Chris Weber, it comes driving down the lane for a layup and the guy gets tries to get in for an offensive foul.

And he doesn't even get fucking anywhere close to an offensive foul. And they call the offensive on fucking Weber. And I'll never forget Weber, they showed it almost in slow motion. He hands the ball to the ref like this with his face like this. Yeah.

It was unbelievable. It's such a bad job. I went, oh my God. I know. And that's another thing too. Cause I got to listen to the Laker fans say they have just as many as us and they count one from the BAA.

Before there was an NBA, they count that NBA title. They got one that's a fucking, you know, a mobbed up ref helped them get. And then they got all these pylon championships where free agents come in. Cause like I look, dude, I'll admit it's a Celtics fan. 2008 was a pylon.

Yeah. We built a team there. But other than that, we fucking Kevin McHale was in the front office of the Timberwolves. He gave his garnet for nothing. Yeah. I mean, like I'm not going to sit here and act like we're innocent and all of this. I'm just saying as a fan of professional fucking who,

but let's talk, let's talk hockey. Let's talk, let's hope that fucking the penguins and Islanders go to game seven and beat the brains in. So we get another couple of days of rest and then we'll fucking take off. Yeah. So Miller can come back, right? Yeah. I'm telling you, man.

I think, uh, how about pasta? How fucking, how much in an animal is he? No, they've all been, I, you know, I've been with the kids and stuff. So I caught most of the series. One of the games I caught like only the third period, the one where Miller got hurt. I only caught the third period of that one.

But we got to watch the next, next series. We got to come up and watch. We'll get the guys. Definitely. But I really think that like Taylor Hall, just the threat of him, even though he's only scored like a couple of goals or whatever, just the threat of that guy and giving us two legit lines,

took the pressure off our top line. And it also caused the other team to have to adjust their lines where it's like, you couldn't just front end load our top line like you did. And also, I think our fourth line with Wagner and those guys have been playing fucking great this year. Yeah. They're all, I mean, telling me we're hitting on all cylinders.

And, you know, I think, I tell you what, getting by the capitals as much as, you know, some people don't think they were as good. I think, you know, that's great that we got by him so quickly too. It's going to give us, you know, going forward. Penguins and Islanders both make me nervous. Islanders, I feel like, you know,

once we got Taylor Hall, we've been beating them. But I feel like they kind of had our number all this year. And then Pittsburgh, I think historically. Yeah. Historically speaking, because they've had people like Mario Lemieux and Yonder, Crosby, Malkin. I mean, like that fucking franchise dude

with like the one-two superstar punch that they, not only did you, you get lucky, maybe you do it one time. The fact that they did that twice within 20 years is, I love shit like that. Like seeing like, like how the Green Bay Packers went from Brett Farr immediately to Aaron Rodgers. Yeah. Yeah. Because like, if you look at the Dolphins, you know,

they went Bob Greasy to Dan Marino, and then just nothing. Shit. Still waiting. It's why I'm hoping this kid from Alabama with the Patriots fucking works out because it's like Brady's gone. Yeah.

Like, when does this happen again? Belichick's almost 70. Yeah. Hey, you know what? I always say, don't cry for us. We've had a good run. I hope they can keep going, you know what I mean? But you know, I remember the years and you do too. I remember people are sick of the Patriots winning.

I go, we went like 20-some-odd years without a playoff game. I'm not sick of them winning, you know? Miami would have come to town. It was just how bad they would fucking beat us. Now, uh... Yeah, no, I remember that. We never went that long, but we didn't go deep.

We had like, we had that great run in 76, and then that roughing-the-passer call against the Raiders, which is why I don't have sympathy on the Tuck rule. That was the payback. Yeah. Yeah. You know? They gave you the game, and then they gave us the game the other fucking way.

But, and then what else did we go? How about Jacksonville's got that kid, what's his name now, Lawrence? So, uh... They got him? I liked the guy they had there with the mustache. What the fuck's his name? The second the season's over,

I forget everybody's fucking name, but I... Gardner Minshew? Yeah, Gardner Minshew, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gardner Minshew, that kid, I like that kid, man. I just like the way he looks, too. He looks like a fucking quarterback. Like, back in the day, all of those guys,

Ken Stable and all that, I had the beards and the mustaches and shit. They just all looked like fucking porn stars back then. So, well, before we get out of here, dude, I'm here in the avalanche, man. I'm here in the avalanche, or the team to beat according to Joe Bartnick, yeah, so... Yeah, the west, the west is tough.

I did enjoy seeing St. Louis get swept. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's no love lost there. No, there isn't, there isn't. That fucking asshole, like fucking NHL, Jesus Christ. Letting them play late 90s, early 2000s hockey. I will never get, they beat the Bruins playing Bruins hockey. Fun in our gold tender, and we, you know,

Lucic was gone, Thornton was gone, and we're just standing around. But, you know, I feel good for their fans, though. Speaking of which, before we get out of here, you know what I haven't watched? The fucking Maple Leafs versus the Canadians. They're up three games to one. They're killing them, I know.

The last time they beat the Canadians in a playoff game was in 1967, the year before I was born, was the last time they won the cup. Jesus. And they, yeah, but here's the thing. They hadn't played them in the playoff since 1980. They weren't at a different conference for like almost 20 years.

So I've been kind of watching that thing. So they're always my second team. I root for the Bruins, and then I root for the Leafs, which is hilarious, because the Leaf fans fucking hate the Bruins, because of that time we came back and beat them. Yeah, they don't hate us as much as the Habs hate us, so. But I tell you what, then you get the Vegas Golden Knights,

or just don't know enough to not fucking win, you know? It's just, it's crazy, you know? Is that kid Reeve still on that team? I don't even know. That big guy, 75 man. I was watching highlights of that guy. Have you been doing those games? Huh?

No, I was gonna go to one right before the whole pandemic shit happened. I was gonna go, well, when they first came out, I think the first month they were playing the Bruins, and I was gonna go, but I had a gig, so I couldn't make it. And I was like, oh, I'll catch the Bruins. We should do that, too. We could do it.

You know, Brian Regan's got tickets. We can go with Brian. He's got great seats there. He's got like a little mini-sweet thing, and what a production. You know, it's Vegas, so they do. You wouldn't believe the show before the show. Yeah, I saw it.

At first I didn't like it. Then I, there's like, no, man, it's Vegas. It's gotta be a show, so it's like, all right, get it. I wish it had a little more Viva Las Vegas Elvis to it. Yes. To me, it looked like a minor league hockey team trying to shoot t-shirts into the crowd and stuff, you know?

But it was like, you know, I got it. Like the same thing, I kind of asked and go, all right, it's Vegas, you know, whatever, they're gonna do something big, you know? Absolutely. Well, listen, dude, I can't tell you, dude, how much I learned from you as a comedian coming up, and how happy I am.

And not only do you got an acting role on Loudermilk, you actually wrote a couple of episodes with Jimmy Dunn. Yeah, yeah. Talked to Jimmy Dunn the time we did that fucking high school gig for Matt Malley. He told us it was a fucking high school gig. We showed up, it was a fucking junior high. The kids' voices hadn't even changed.

They were all in the crowd like, hey, hey, hey, hey. Fuck it. I remember the principal did the intro. This is how he did the intro. He just came walking out, he just goes, and we are quiet, please. And he just started fucking yelling at him. He's gonna give him detention or something.

I've never gone out in front of a crowd and had absolutely nothing to talk about. But anyway, I'm really happy for you, brother. Loudermilk, it's on Amazon Prime. Jackie is gonna be at Crackers in Indianapolis this Friday and Saturday, May 28th, 29th. Come out and see him. Watch him down a few Bud Lights

as he makes you laugh your ass off. Hey, Billy, if I could just tell my, if they, I'm Jay Flynn comedy on Twitter and Instagram, if I could get that out there too. Is it the letter J or J-A-Y? It's just Jay Flynn comedy on Instagram and Twitter. I got a Jackie Flynn fan page on Facebook and all that shit.

So once again, it's just the letter J. Yeah, J, just the letter J Flynn comedy. Okay, we got it. All right, Jackie. Hey, I love you. I'm so happy for your success and I'm very, very proud of you, man. And thank you for all right.

Hey, let's, let's smoke some sticks and watch some Bruins hockey soon. I look forward to it, buddy, be good. All right, brother. All right, all birds, all birds, everybody. You know, it's finally getting warm out and we're starting to feel more hopeful about the rest of the year.

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Do it today, live a better life. Have a great weekend. Once again, the great Jackie Flynn. Please enjoy the music picked out this week by the amazing Andrew Thamelis and we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. All right, let's do this.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast. For Monday, May 27th, 2013. I don't like the way I just said. Monday, you ever get yourself sounding like a douche there? Happy Memorial Day. Happy Memorial Day. A beautiful time to thank the troops

and stuff your motherfucking face with shit. All right, isn't that what you're doing? Let's all have a moment of silence for everyone who made a sacrifice for this country. All right, let's go stuff our faces, right? Isn't that what every fucking holiday is? Flag day, today is a day to remember, remember, remember. All the flags that have waved all over this country,

country, country, and now let's stuff our faces, faces, faces. Let's get drunk and have a fight with our mothers, mothers, mothers, mothers. You know, isn't that what it is? How many people are actually gonna go to a fucking parade today? From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Triple D. Huh?

Who can sing beyond that fucking two lines other than a goddamn X Marine or a current Marine? One or the other? Is that what they do when you join the Marines, by the way, do you have to sing that song as some drill sergeant is in your face? I don't hear you. You fucking scream it out from the halls of...

Bullshit, you're singing like one of them queers, right? I commend anybody who's in the military service simply for the ability to get through boot camp and having somebody screaming in your face and just pushing down every ounce of your being to not like just punch that guy right in the fucking face. This is the thing, I've thought about that shit, right? Like let's say things get really fucked up

and all of a sudden they wanna draft soon to be 45-year-old balding redheads like myself and I've actually thought about, for some reason, I think I think about it whenever I do pull-ups because whenever I do pull-ups I always climb the rope, I always think, you think I could make it through fucking maybe three obstacles, three obstacles in one of those boot camp things?

I could get up the fucking rope. I probably couldn't do the required amount of pull-ups, but I wonder if I could just get out of the drill sergeant, you know? I still think you're a queer, but I'm impressed with your upper body strike and you're right, you get the fuck out of my face. Right?

Good, at least get one of those. But my thing is if someone was screaming in my ear like that, like I got tinnitus or tetanus, however the fuck you say, I have it in one of my ears. So if the guy's screaming in my ears, I'd have to be like, yeah, excuse me, I just, you know, I'm not trying to not be marine-like, but I just wanna let you know that I played a lot of drums

and my ears, they're very sensitive, if you could just, you know, you can continue with the insults, I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, but if you could just somehow bring the volume down, you know, then immediately I'm piled because everybody else has to start doing push-ups. Is this quiet enough for you, Private Burr?

Look at the rest of your put-tune. Sitting here doing push-ups because you don't want me to yell too loud. Just exactly how quiet do you think war is? You red-headed, freckled fucking faggot, right? Isn't that what they want to say to you? It's always the homophobic shit, doesn't know what they come at you with.

Huh? I bet you're a sucking dick, right? You know what? I actually shouldn't say any of this because I have no idea what they say to you other than what I've watched in movies, you know? So anyways, happy Memorial Day, beautiful time to thank the troops and stuff you fucking face with some shit.

That should be the official Memorial Day. I think the only people who truly appreciate it are people who have actually served and no people who have served, you know? That would be my really built. You really think that the people who are closest to it appreciate it the most. What other groundbreaking things

are you gonna say on this podcast? Oh, I know, I know I'm a moron. All right, can you just let me have my moment? Can you? Well, all right then. I'm in New York City right now. I'm in my old apartment. Lonely as shit.

I don't know how I used to do this as a single man, you know? Although I have to tell you, it's, you guys know the comedian Ted Alexandro? If you don't, you should. One of the best fucking comics out there. He used to have this great joke. I'll just do the gist of it because I don't wanna fucking burn, Joe.

He used to say that basically, if it was essentially that, you know, being single, it sucked at night because you were lonely, but it was great for the rest of the day. I can't say I'm feeling that, but I do have to concur with that joke that at nighttime when you fucking go home by yourself, that's when it gets to you.

I think when you wake up in the morning, you have errands to run, you gotta have to go to the gym, you know, there's hope. That's what it is. There's hope that you're gonna find somebody, you know, when at night, all that hope is gone. And it's just you, a pint of ice cream and a slice of pizza, you know?

Slowly crying as you're, crying softly as you're chewing, getting down to the crust. Mwah. Actually, you know, I've made a rule that this time when I go through New York, I'm not having any pizza and I'm not having any ice cream. And I know what you're thinking.

Bill, you're in New York City, you have to have the pizza, okay? Well, I'm gonna tell you what, I've had enough New York pizza to last me a fucking lifetime. First of all, 90% of New York pizza sucks a giant pizza cock because it doesn't make any sense. Doesn't make sense.

Simply because there's so many people living off the fucking reputation that New York has great pizza, you know? That's the problem. New York does have great pizza, but there's no laws prohibiting anybody from opening a pizza shop, saying the best pizza in New York City, you know?

It's fucking horrific. Maybe if I do Danger Fields, I'll go over to that Sutton Pizza there over on First Avenue. I always liked that pizza. Had a nice fucking zip over there, and I zipped to the sauce there, and nice little tang there,

and nice little, what the fuck was that there? In their pizza slices, you know? I don't know, pizza's always that shit. You're like stumbling home after a couple, two, three fucking whiskies, right? And then you fucking, I don't know what, I don't even know what to say. You know what I realized?

I have to get a fucking appointment book because I just realized how much shit I just planned for tomorrow, you know? I'm gonna get a steak fucking dinner with Joey Rosas and Keith Robinson. Somebody over at the Stan Comedy Club, the head chef over there is gonna teach me how to make a fucking pizza pie over there

because I got the big green egg, and I can heat that fucker up to 700 degrees. Do you guys even know what I'm talking about? Just realize that? I bought this big green egg, this barbecue where we're at a smoker, and they give you this book showing you all the wonderful shit that you can make on it,

and all I've made on it is burgers, hot dog, and fucking chicken. So I wanna take it to the next level, I wanna be able to make a pizza, but you gotta know how to make your own fucking dough, you know? Which I don't know how to do, so I'm gonna have this person show me how to do it

because I'm a fucking seeker, right? I'm always trying something new. Oh, what's that bill up to fucking today? Anyways, how about those Bruins, huh? Here we go, Bruins, here we go. That's how it used to be. That's the chant that used to get going back in the days in the old Boston gun.

Now they go, let's go Bruins, and I'm telling you, that's the Ranger chant. It was here we go, Bruins, here we go, and let's go Rangers, all right? Well, you know where the Rangers are going now? Out to the fucking golf course, because yes, the Bruins in one short week went to the fucking Mecca,

Madison Square Garden, and in five games. It was actually a five game sweep, who's kidding who? You know, not to take anything away from the Rangers, but I'm gonna, all right? When the whole rally on your side gets going, because our goalie fell down. I wonder if you have a goalie, he just falls down, like some kid playing Pee Wee Hockey,

and then he tried to go, oh, there was a rut in the ice. Ah, you fell down too. It's okay, it happens to the best of us. Go down to a public rink, you see it all the time. My favorite thing in a public rink is watching that guy when it takes like 12 seconds for him to fall. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,

oh, right? The fucking six going backwards, six going forwards, right? And then the fucking, that whee, bam. And it's usually the back hits first, and then the fucking whiplash, and then the head makes that nice hollow coconut poop right off the fucking ice. That unmistakable sound of somebody squash

hitting a sheet of ice. That's a fuck, that's an incredible sound. You know what, and I don't think that that can be reproduced by Hollywood, unless you actually had somebody slam their head on it, that's incredible. Not even with one of those Casio keyboards that has access to over a thousand sound effects. They never have, do you ever notice that?

They never have the sound effect of a head hitting the asphalt, or a sheet of ice. So there's one few nerds. Why isn't somebody out there, you know, one of you Photoshop cunts out there, try to get me up the perfect sound effect, and send it to me, and I'll have my first sound effect on the podcast.

You know, and I'll turn this into a wacky morning show, and every time I say something dumb, I go, oh, what was I thinking? And then I'll click the button, and then you'll hear it, and then you'll laugh, and then you'll be in the parking lot of your job, holding onto the steering wheel, 10 and two, just staring at that front door that you don't want to walk through.

Just having those last few moments to yourself. Thinking about all the decisions you made over the last 12 years. Why did I break up with her? Why did I major in this? Why did I buy this car? Why can't I feel feelings anymore? There's your eyes well up with tears.

You just look up at the heavens, wondering if there's some old guy up there that gives a fuck. You cry softly. And then for some unexplained reason, you look over to the left, and there's your boss staring at you. With this weird look on his face,

like, is that Mike crying in his fucking car? She quickly tried to play it off like a sneeze. You take a big deep breath, and you push all those fucking feelings down. You're like, can you get out of the car? Hey boss, how you doing? And I allergies, allergies. Oh yeah, I'll see you in there, yep, can't wait.

Sorry. Anyways, so the Bruins are now gonna go play the most confusing franchise in the NHL. I don't know how to feel about the fucking penguins. I totally respect them, and I'm fucking blown away by their ability to somehow always get the guy that's the next guy. I mean, it's insane.

Like in the last 20 years, 25 years, I would actually put them beyond the Yankees. Yeah, wait a minute. Or I would, no, I would compare them to the Yankees when the Yankees got Babe Ruth, then Lou Gehrig, then Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle. I would actually, this is the closest thing you've seen. Well, the penguins, Mario Lemieux, Yaramir Yaga,

Sydney Crosby, and fucking Gino Malkin. I don't know how to say this. And Denny, I don't know how to fucking say these hockey names nowadays. I used to be Jacques, all these French fucking names. That was easy, right? Michel Goulet, oh, oh, oh, shoot these goals, en deux trois.

Fucking four absolute snipers. I mean, unbelievable fucking top notch goddamn players. It's incredible, right? They have that, and then on the other side, right? And then whenever they get hit, they're like, you know, Mario Lemieux's like, you know, if people don't stop cheating, I'm not gonna play anymore, right?

Yager was always like, oh, he's got a mullet, and he just loves those Kit Kats. He eats them all the time. Some people say that's why, you know, he's scored all those goals. I'll tell you, I wish I knew that when I played. All right, Sydney Crosby. Big pouty lipped fucking Cub Scout that he is, you know?

What's the hate about that guy? Other than the fact that, you know, he doesn't do anything wrong in life. Helping old people cross the street, even with the skates on, runs out of the arena. Is that an old person trying to cross the street? Just a fucking Wheaties cereal box cover looking son of a bitch.

Why is he a son of a bitch? Because you know he's better than you. Head and shoulders, the best fucking guy in the league. Then he got mulled, guy who could be a fucking cunt, and be like, hey, what about me? He doesn't give a shit. He just plays this goddamn game, and it's tremendous. All right, it's a great fucking hockey town.

They had one of the great last arenas, that Mellon arena, Carnegie Mellon, Heinz, whatever the fuck they called it. God damn Pittsburgh people, they got three names for everything. See the Heinz, Carnegie, Carnegie Mellon, or just Mellon. I guess that's four, but it was really just Carnegie Mellon, just all fucking remix, like P. Diddy's in there.

By the way, the more years that goes by, that Biggie has been dead, and his legend just keeps growing and growing with the fact that nobody's ever matched that guy's ability with humor, storytelling, and being able to paint a fucking picture. Forget about his charisma. It's the last time you saw a guy even remotely

with the fucking charisma of that guy. All right, as the years go by, and you keep going back, frustrated with the new shit, and you just keep going back to that. That mumbling fucking shit that Puffy does on every fucking track. It's like, can somebody out there send me some fucking Biggie tracks

where you removed Puffy, if you're going, that's right. Uh-huh, okay. And the fucking background, whatever the fuck he says, or just repeats every God, the last word of every line that Biggie says, it's like, we heard it. Wasn't it enough for you to be in there with the fucking faders pushing those up and down?

I gotta listen to your mumbling jackass. I'll tell you one of the worst fucking rap songs ever was when he and that other mumbling jacket, Mace, tell me who's hot, who's nice, tell me who's hot, who's hot. Do you know what, tell me which one he was fucking rapping, because I can't tell the, why am I this upset? Anyways, let's dial it down.

Let's dial it down. Let's get back to the fucking, to the, that's right. Okay, uh-huh. I'm agreeing with him. Ah, fuck. So that's one side of the penguins. And then on the other side, other penguins, and you know, Crosby, bitch moaning and complaining,

Mario and you bitch moaning and complaining about the thuggery, the cheating and all that fucking shit. And then like, right in their own goddamn locker room, they have had the exact same thing where you had the Ruth DiMaggio, Mickey Mano, Lou Gehrig, they've had that of the fucking biggest goddamn knee breakers, cheating sons of bitches ever. You know, I have this love hate with the penguins.

You know, I love them because I respect the franchise and I hate them because, not because they have these cheating cunts that fucking just go out there and try and end people's careers, it's the fact that they then have the balls to bitch. You know, if that's the kind of hockey the islanders are gonna play,

I mean, I don't even know why we're even in this league. Be well, you got fucking Matt Cook. In 35 years of watching people play hockey, I've never seen a guy check somebody in the boards and accidentally completely sever the guy's fucking Achilles tendon. How does that happen? I don't know.

They say it was a fucking accident and if it was anybody else, I would have believed it. You know what the sad thing about Matt Cook is? He's the guy can actually play. He's a fucking great player and he's definitely toned down his shit but I mean, I can't ever forgive the guy because he ended Savard's career.

Guys on a follow-through of a fucking shot could not be more vulnerable and you come by at 30 miles an hour. And hit him with that plastic shoulder blade pad which is like hitting somebody across the jaw with a fucking wrench and you end his goddamn career. Unbelievable, I'm fucking. So this is gonna be a brutal series.

The only fucking weak part I can see on the penguins is they have shaky gold tending. You know, but just their offensive power. I just, I don't know. My heart says Bruins, but if I was putting money on it, I mean, I would say penguins at six. I know there's a lot of Bruins who have doing what the fuck, what are you fucking saying, kid?

What are you, you fucking getting all weird now that you're living out fucking LA, dude? No, I just watch enough hockey and I've seen what the fuck they're capable of. Like, Cindy Crosby is literally unstoppable. You know, un-fucking-stop-able. And if they just had one guy like that, you know, like the Capitals,

and no Vechkin's nowhere near Crosby, although he had a great year. Now I'm gonna have those guys fucking whine into me. Oh, but yeah, he won the score title. If he just fucking had him, but the fact that you have all those other guys, you know, Malkin and all those guys, it's not, it's gonna be fucking,

I don't know how you, you know what? I'm calling it right now. We're gonna play the trap. We're gonna try and play that boring ass fucking hockey and it's gonna kill me. I'm gonna have to watch, cause it's my team, but I want, before anybody sends me the emails, no, I don't enjoy watching it, even if we win a game.

I don't like it because I really enjoyed watching the Penguin Senators series, even though that one last game was a, that seventh goal game was a fucking, was a blowout. Oh, by the way, once again, you know, a lot of people explained to me why there was such hatred towards Maple Leaf fans,

Toronto in general and all that type of thing. And everybody was saying that basically, that that's the biggest city in Canada. And that's where like all the media is. So because all the media is there, it's like everybody in Toronto then thinks the whole fucking country or the whole world revolves around them.

I'm not saying it's true. I'm an outsider, but that's what they say, but it reminded me kind of like New Yorkers. You know what I mean? Like they just think everything begins and fucking ends. You know, with like, man, the only reason I'm Madison Square Garden is this Mecca is because it's in the middle of the biggest fucking city

with all this media here. You know, and a lot of New Yorkers, they really confuse that it's a Mecca. That's just a gathering place. People come and play hoop there because that's where they can make the most amount of fucking money and get the most amount of media exposure.

But that has nothing to do with the Knicks or how good, or the legendary, the Knicks are not legendary. They're not. All right. With Spike Lee sitting court side, your fucking low rent Jack Nicholson. Oh, Woody Allen with his awful hat. Jesus Christ.

You know, at least LA, they have the decency to get their faces laminated. If you're going to be the celebrity sitting on the side, just fucking with you. Anyway, so the Knicks are out, the Rangers are out, because of the Boston Bruins. And once again, the garden is silent and it's ready for the circus.

The Mecca. Ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, that's their fucking, that's what happens every goddamn year. Do you realize the Rangers have won one Stanley Cup in the last 73 fucking years? You understand that? Do you realize that in like the fucking 60 something years that the NBA has been around,

the New York Knicks have won only two titles, two titles. Last one they won was in 1973. Oh, let's do the math on that one. That was 40 fucking years ago. That's why Versey kills me. Dude, the garden was rocking last night. He's always telling me how loud the garden is. I'm fucking believable.

Really? Okay. Louder than the fucking piece of shit. TDF, XYZ, Garden, whatever the fuck they call the Boston Garden now. When the Bruins came back down fucking three goals in a game seven, was it louder than that, Paul Versey? I'm asking you.

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You know? I'm hoping you leave me behind. Someday I'll be reading an ad for your company there. Hey, let's keep talking with the sports here. All right, who's kidding who? I don't watch that much NBA hoop. I don't, I really, I like it. I know I shit on it a lot,

but I gotta tell you that Dwayne Wade flying fucking elbow. All right, now it did look like he was trying to leap over the guy. But at the last second, there was no fucking reason to do what he did. It was like a wrestling move. And I know it's debatable,

but what killed me was Reggie Miller and the other commentator, or Steve Kurt, immediately. The first reviewing of it, just go, yeah, that wasn't intentional at all. That's that, you know, it's part of the natural bodily movement when you leap into the air, like one of your elbows just sticks out like that

to give somebody a forearm shiver. He fucking gave the guy an impromptu flying elbow. That's what I think. He leapt in the air, you know, cause they were kind of crossing over each other in a weird way. He jumped over the guy and was like, oh, there's his head.

Man, how about I ain't no fucking right there, Fred. How do you like to get one of those? The guy collapses in a fucking heat. Although I heard he's known for flopping, but it just killed me. That just automatically does not, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. Look at that elbow.

Oh, wait, that's one of the superstars in the league. You know, I don't think that there was anything premeditated. There was no malicious act. Just, it's ridiculous. If that happened to Dwayne Wade and he went down, I swear to God, both of them would have been like, see, now that right there, that's the kind of thing

that just does not belong in this game at this level or at any level for that matter, you know? I mean, there's kids at home watching this game. I mean, that's just, look at that. Let's watch this again. I mean, oh, that's just disgraceful. That's just, I mean, just premeditated. I'll tell you, the league's gotta take a look at this

that I would be really surprised if that gentleman was playing the next contest. Fucking superstar, does it? Ah, you know, he didn't mean anything by that. You know, he's kind of, I mean, he was in the area. He had to flap his wings like a bird, you know? He doesn't have any feathers, so he's gotta tuck his hands back towards his torso.

It's very normal, very normal right there. That's it. That's all I know about Hoop this week. Other than I'm pulling for the paces. Who else is playing? Who's out in the West? Oh, I love, you know what I love? I love the Spurs and their white guy basketball

that they play. I absolutely love, they have fundamentally sound, pick and roll, fucking kiss it off the glass. I can't jump either. Game that they play, it's tremendous. There's not a lot of white guys out there doing it, but when I watch the Spurs play, that's, it looks like five white guys playing

pick up at the Y. And it's effective. I don't know how they do it. So who are they playing? They're playing the Grizzlies. I don't give a shit. I'm just so elated that the Lakers aren't in it. So fucking elated.

Absolutely love it. And I hope Dwight Howard stays with the Lakers the same way I've enjoyed, what's his face? Alex Rodriguez staying with the New York Yankees. Alex Rodriguez is my most favorite Yankee of all fucking time, you know? As they try to shame him out of town. And he's just like, yeah, you know,

you want me to sit down in a playoff game? I don't give a fuck. I'm not leaving that contract. Go fuck yourselves. I'm staying. I love it. I absolutely love it. Actually what's a really disturbing YouTube video

last night, I'm trying to think of how the hell I got there. I was watching animals and I was watching these two little fucking weird things. They can't see that well. Their heartbeat when they're nervous can go up to like 1300 beats per minute, you know? Like somebody trying to win one of those fastest hand single stroke roll drum contests.

They fucking, they can beat them with their heart. They can't see that well. And I don't know. They basically, they have to live meal to meal. Their heart beats so fucking fast that if they miss a meal, they could actually die. The sleuth, the sloth, I don't know what the fuck this thing was,

but all I know, they don't see that well. And they, two of them don't see each other until they literally run into each other. I gotta find this fucking video. And they just had this sickest fight I've ever seen in my life. Like they had to slow it down. Like when they was showing it, they go,

this is not sped up footage. This is how fast these guys, it was like watching two fly weights times like, you know, to the fifth power. So I'm watching that shit, which leads to more shit. And then I see like these bloodhounds getting fed. Doing all that shit.

Next thing, you know, you just keep looking to the right and it's more, you know, eagles killing snakes, snakes killing fucking this, a mongoose killing a fucking black mamba. And then next thing you know, I'm watching these rednecks going bear hunting. All right? And they got all these dogs in these metal cages

and they can stick their fucking heads out. And it's hilarious. They stick their heads out and they're going, boop, boop, boop, boop. Right? And all the P to people are of course like, they're saying I want to get out of this cage. They're really excited cause they want to go fucking hunting

is what I'm thinking they're doing. So am I thinking of hunt these bears with dogs? What the fuck is this? I mean, a bear could just swat one of them, kill them. But what it is is they have so many of them. And basically the dogs go, they chase the bear. The bear goes up a tree and then like 10 rednecks walk up to the tree and then one of them decides,

all right, I'll fucking shoot it. And they shoot it and it falls out of the fucking tree. It's just the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Just as far as like, listen, going bear hunting takes unbelievable fucking balls. If it's you and a buddy, you know? And you're in bear country and you could stumble upon a grizzly bear that she's walking with their cubs

and then she immediately comes over and tries to rip your fucking face off. And even though you got a gun, that still takes an unbelievable amount of balls. But I gotta tell you this, hunting black bear with like fucking 10 dogs, five dogs, and they chase it up a tree and then you show up, watch this, I'm gonna shoot that thing

that's the size of my garage. Fucking nailed it, man. It was fucking disgusting. It was really disgusting. I respect it on one level because you have an ability to live off the land. The dollar crashes, you're like, well, we didn't have anything in the stock market.

Fuck it, let's go bear hunting, you know? Because those people really are the ones who are gonna survive. So I have such a tremendous respect for anybody who hunts and has the ability to go out and basically go get some food. Unlike me, he's a total pussy. He just goes down to the fucking grocery store.

Yeah, can I get a pound of, no, make it three quarters of a pound of the turkey. Do you have the smoke? Let me get the smoked turkey. Some Havarte cheese with that, I'd like that, right? That's me hunting. And I get frustrated when I can't find the cereal aisle. So I'm basically one of the guys who,

when the shit hits the fan, you know, and I'm in a city and I just get fucking herded into some goddamn FEMA camp, I'm done. Avenge me. I'm done, right? Those rednecks will just fucking back slowly back off of their property, like that dude who tuck his package

between his legs in that movie with that chick who was in the fucking pinball movie, right? Silence of the lambs. And just slowly fucking back out right into the woods and you'll never see him again. They're gonna be able to live off the land and fucking ride it out. And they'll create a new clan, you know?

And they'll be the ones that eventually topple over the bankers after they exterminate everybody and they take all the land and they'll laugh at those rednecks, you know? And just call them a pesky problem. They'll try to hunt them down with drones from their fucking villas. Those fucking rednecks, they're gonna be out there

covered in mud like Rambo, a little bit of deer urine behind their necks, you know? And eventually they're gonna come back like fucking a till of the hunt at all empires fall. And it's gonna be those motherfucking rednecks who do it. Tremendous respect for them, okay? Now, I haven't said all of that.

Chasing a fucking bear up a tree with a bunch of goddamn dogs. Did you just see the bear up there? Like, the thing's just up there like, dude, are you fucking kidding me? You know, it's not like chilling, but it's not totally upset. It's like, all right, I'm up a tree.

I don't really know what those things are. They're very loud, there's a lot of them, but they don't seem to be able to climb up the tree. So eventually they'll get tired, they'll get thirsty, they'll leave, I'll climb down, you know? Crack open a keystone and have a paw full of honey, and I'll just, you know, that'll be my day. Then all of a sudden these fucking, you know,

just to get home, boy, these fucking guys just come walking up and I'm telling you, they're literally standing like maybe 20 yards from the tree, and this giant furry beanbag is right up there and they've just shoot it in the neck, and then it just falls, and they always, they don't need edit out, it's falling out of the fucking tree. Yeah, it's just, it was just a, I don't know,

any rednecks out here listening to this where you can defend, I don't know, that just seems like the tiddlywinks of fucking hunting. You know, checkers, not chess, you know what I mean? To quote Denzel in one of his movies where he screams at the fucking white guy from the suburbs. Doesn't quite, you know, was in over his head, right? Teaching him the slang.

All right, so like I mentioned, I'm here in New York City and had a great time last night. I went down to the comedy cellar and did like three shows down there. It reminded me of the old days when I used to do all the shows here in New York and fucking jumping calves and sit back and forth between the clubs.

You'd have a new joke and you get to try it three times in one night. You just can't, you can't put a price tag on that. I ran into Ari Shafir, who was living in LA, he's now in New York City, and he's working his way into the club. He told me last night he's gonna start being leaving a veil so you can check out Ari Shafir,

hopefully, on some upcoming shows. And I'm psyched to watch him grow by leaps and bounds by getting all that extra stage time. So it's been a wonderful thing out here. Oh, I know what, you know, I forgot to bring up the Toronto Mayor. Can you guys give me some more information on that guy? They're trying to say that he was smoking crack

and he goes, there's a video of him smoking crack. He said it doesn't exist. Then he called the media a bunch of maggots. So immediately, I'm loving this guy. He's talking all this shit, but then I kind of read up on him and he's got a lot of sketchy shit in the background. I was wondering what you people in Toronto

think about the guy. Or in neighboring cities. Do you think he is a piece of shit? Do you think the media is a bunch of maggots? I don't fucking know, let me know. Anyways, here we go. Bill, as a Penguins fan, I have to ask, do you endorse the Bruins PA announcer going,

whoo, after goals? If so, what is wrong with you? I have to admit, I hated it when I first heard it. I hated it. Absolutely fucking hated it. And, but I've come to an acceptance but that the Bruins aren't mine anymore. I'm an old man now.

And it's on to the younger generation and this is how they're doing it. And I got to admit, now when I watch the games, it's the playoffs and they score. I'm so fucking excited that when the guy goes, whoo, I fucking do it too. And I feel like fucking Ric Flair and it's, you can call me a douche all day long

and you'd be a hundred percent right. It's, I can't even defend it. And if it wasn't my team, I would be trashing the shit out of it too. I really would. All right. Let me ask you this. You guys have Alf Samuelsing,

Alf Samuelsing in your ring of honor. Okay. Let me ask you what's worse. All right. And I know what you're going to say. You're going to say the woo because you don't give a fuck. You don't give a fuck

because he's not fucking blowing out the knees of Sidney Crosby. But I can guarantee you cried like a fucking bitch when Crosby was out for a year and a half because that guy gave him a concussion, right? Or when Mario Lemieux was bitching about the fucking Islanders, you probably like, yeah, that's right, Mario.

That's exactly right. You know? So here I am. Trashing something that my own fucking team does. Why don't you grow up and have the ability to do the same? If not, go fuck yourself. Okay.

A few weeks ago, I asked, you know, when you go to a casino, you know, what's the deal with the fucking carpets? Like why they have the ugliest carpets on the planet? My theory has always been, a casino is so goddamn big, the amount of money that you will save by buying the ugliest fucking carpet on the cheap.

You know, that's why you do it. When you literally, I mean, how many square feet is like, you know, the mirage? How many square feet is the fucking Bellagio and all that? I mean, I mean, it has to be, I have no idea. I have no fucking idea. A million square feet? I have no fuck.

How many trucks have to pull up with that goddamn carpeting? So that's why I thought that it was the ugly, it was always ugly carpeting. So here's some theories that people have said to me. Hey Bill, wanted to let you know in response to your May 20th podcast, from having worked in the casino industry,

I've heard the reason the carpets in the casino are so vomit inducingly ugly is so people will avoid looking at them and instead look up at all the slot machines, restaurants, signage, merchandise and whatnot. It's a psychological manipulation to focus your attention where they want it. There's also usually a confusing pattern to the carpet.

To the pattern, oh wait. There's also usually a confusing pattern to the carpet design and overall structural layout to the place to make you subconsciously wander around and put your money into something rather than having any clue where an exit might be or how much time has passed.

I agree with that. I would agree with the second half. The first half, I don't know. How long would you stare at carpet? Like, God, look at the fiber. Look how beautiful that carpet is. I would actually think at this point if you had a beautiful carpet,

like a nice fucking electric blue, but people feel like, oh my God, something exciting's gonna happen here. Maybe something peaceful, maybe you can be a little more relaxed when you fucking walked in there and you could look around at the whores. I don't know.

But as far as like having a confusing pattern and a weird structural layout, I mean, if you've never been lost in a casino, you've never been in a casino. What you end up having to do is you gotta pick like a, you gotta start memorizing where the restaurants are. Like this is where the sports book is so I know the elevator is to the right.

But if you start cutting through slots and you're like fucking, oh, another Jack Nicholson reference, him in the shining in the end, wonder as you're going through all those hedges, you're not, like I'm surprised you don't see somebody sitting on the ground like dead with an ax in their hand,

not frozen, but you know, you're frozen like those people you pass when you're trying to get to the top of that mountain there, Mount Everest, right? Over there in the Himalayas. Is it in the Himalayas? I have no idea. Here's another theory somebody has.

The strange pattern of the carpeting on casino floors is so if you drop a chip, you don't hear it hit the floor and the crazy colors hide the chips if you're looking for them. I don't buy that one either. That just seems like a fucking long way to go to try and make some money.

You're already playing a game where the odds is so in favor of the casino, they don't need to be crawling around the floor afterwards, vacuuming up chips. I wouldn't go with that. Somebody else said that the reason that they have it is because it's easy to clean up puke stains. I don't know what it is,

but please, please bring me more theories to that because I find it fascinating. There has to, out of everything that I, that was just, I just read there, I believe it's a confusing pattern and it adds to the confusion of trying to get the fuck out of there and then you just next thing you know,

you're playing a game. That one seems to make the most sense to me. All right. Here's the next one here. What the fuck am I here? All right, dear Bill Bow Faggins. I have recently discovered my lifelong friend is in fact an asshole.

First, let me give you some backstory. I've been friends with this kid since car seats and baby teeth. So last year when I'm looking to move into a new place, I naturally turned to him. Oh, that's not a good thing to do. Living, you know, one of the quickest ways to end a lifelong friendship is to go and live with somebody.

Just think of all the people who've fallen in love. You're my soulmate, they get married and within five years, you know, one of them goes mysteriously missing, you know? By the way, that's a bad thing to do. If you're gonna kill your wife or your husband, you should really go practice on some homeless people in prostitutes first, you know?

Get your murdering game up to par. You know, to really try and get away with the murder, with your first murder, when you have everything to gain with that person being gone. It's no wonder everybody gets caught, you know? You gotta suck it up. You gotta push your ego down and go to the miners first.

Get some at bats down there with the fucking, the fucking Newark Bears. Take a couple of pokes, you know? Get out there, shake the rust off. Sorry. Anyways. So he goes, last year I decided to move into a new place. I naturally, so when I'm looking to do that,

I naturally turned to him. He was living on his own with his cousin and was happy to move in with me. Now, since I have known him so long, I know his tendency to be a slub. I discuss with this with him before we moved in and let him know I could only tolerate so much uncleanness.

He responded back in kind and agreed. Now, flash forward to after I move in. I wake up in the middle of the night to snoring that can wake the dead. I do what any normal person would do and go out and ask him to do something since it was keeping me up. The kicker is, he wasn't even in his room.

He's laying on the floor in the living room. So I wake him up and ask him if he could either A, stop snoring, or B, go to his room. This elicits no response from the beast. He attempts confrontation and finally relinquishes to his room. Yeah, this guy's, he sleeps pretty hard. He goes, this has happened on and off now

for the past year. Usually, he just gives me the finger now. Just gives me the finger now when I wake him up for snoring. Clearly, I get the impression that he only cares about himself and gives two shits about anybody else. There's other things like him not cleaning up after himself, not caring for his pet

and some smoking habits that are less than appealing. I'm willing to compromise though, but he just makes no effort. He refuses to address any of it. He always says he thinks of me as family, but I don't imagine anybody treating their family like this. Actually, that's exactly how you treat family because you know they're not gonna leave you.

So he goes, so now, so now I'm moving out and I haven't told him this is the reason. So what do I, so Bill, what do I do? Do I tell him he's an asshole and tell him to kick rocks or just forget about it and let bygones be bygones? You just forget about it, dude, all right? Because this guy was your best friend until you lived with him.

Just like, just feel bad for his future wife and this is the deal. One of these days, you know, he'll bring up you guys living together and you'll just laugh about it. And just be like, dude, I left because I swear to God I was fantasizing about going out into the living room and chopping your fucking head off, you know?

Or just fucking stuffing a chloroform rag in your goddamn mouth, you know? And you can just laugh about it. But to right now, with how upset you are at him, it's gonna affect your friendship, you know? If you're done being friends with the guy, I would bring it up now. But if you're not, then I would just,

I would use that story to get laid. That's what I would do. Because it'll be a funny story. And as you're telling the funny story, the woman's gonna be listening, being like, oh my God, this guy's considerate. He picks up after himself. I have this unbelievable urge to suck his dick now.

What is that? Why do I do that, guys? That's how I would use it, all right? And then whenever he brings it up, just laugh about it. That's like, I live with Bobby, Robert Kelly, one of my best friends in the whole wide world. We almost killed each other when we lived together. But oh, but oh, but oh.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, dude. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. I lived with him. And he was a fucking slob. And I was the fucking, I mean, I'm not even that neat. That's the thing. I'm not even that neat. Like, I don't make the fucking bed every day.

You know, I always have three, four days of clothes, but I get it to that point, three, four days, and then I pick up. I'm pretty good about doing the dishes. But he was just like, I'd come back from the road and there would be like, dishwater, like six days old or something, and then be like noodles from like the Chinese food

floating in there. It was like, we didn't have any rubber gloves and I'd have to stick my hand, reach for that plug. Oh, it was fucking nasty. We lived in such a shit hole. I gotta talk to him about that someday. If he remembers, we had this fucking kitchen.

The countertop was this, was plastic. I don't, I don't know what it was, like this hard plastic and it was yellow and it was dirty. It was, it was so fucking gross. Like you couldn't even cook in there. It had this fucking stove. I swear to God that if you just, you could rock it back and forth two, three times.

It would literally come down like an old shack. It was such a piece of shit. And then the guy who actually his name was on the lease used to keep his smelly hockey stuff out there in the kitchen. It was the most disgusting fucking thing. And then there was three guys living there and like assholes,

we had like a bathroom basket out in the kitchen. Not a big like kitchen size, a bathroom one. So it was always, always overflowing with whatever the fucking you ate. It was fucking, it was nasty. That really just took me back to a bad period in my life. Although it's funny now. It's funny.

I was over with Bobby and his lovely wife eating some dinner. She cooked a fucking tremendous meal and we started laughing about the old days living together, right? And I'm still friends with them, you know? And you know what I did? I addressed what a slob he was while we were living together

and we went like six months without even speaking to each other after we moved out. And you know what? You don't want to go through that type of shit. But we were both young and immature. Maybe that's where you're at. Maybe you got to go through it. I don't fucking know.

Anyway, success story. Hey, Billy Redface. I'll keep this short, but you gave me spot on advice a few months ago about my cheating ex-wife so I sincerely thank you. Well, you're welcome, sir. And if anybody's listening to this, know that I'm a fucking moron.

So every once in a while, like, you know, you play darts long enough, you're gonna hit a bullseye. All right? But you guys listen to me and my advice at your own fucking risk, all right? So anyways, he goes, I couldn't be happier. My real question is, how long were you single before you met Nia?

And would you care to share any of your bad dating stories? Thanks and fuck said the kid in the pussy penguins, Bruins and Six. All right, Bruins fans. How long was I single? I was single for quite a while. I don't remember. So fucking long ago.

I don't know, a couple of years. A couple of years, but I was never good at being single, doing that whole fucking playboy thing, you know? Talking girls into bed and all that type. I always felt like shit afterwards, unless the girl was like fucking smoking hot. And then you had like, can't believe she slept with me, man.

You know, kind of vibe. I never, I don't know. You know this, by the time I figured out how to talk a woman in bed, by then I was like in my early 30s. And there was always something that, you know, you fucking talking to somebody like, you know, 22, 23. And they're just fresh out of college.

I literally, it was like the pussy verges of watching those rednecks hunting bear with dogs. You know, I just didn't feel the sense of accomplishment after a while. You know, I'm a big softy. What can I tell you? Anyways, the man great system, everybody. Father's Day, it's right around the corner, everybody.

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All right. All right. Last advertising of the week, week, week, week, week. Legal zoom, everybody. America was built by innovators and dreamers. People like Edison, Henry Ford, and then they write, feel free to add your own example of an innovator slash dreamer.

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Okay, so if you got that great idea. Okay, the first step towards your dream is go into LegalZoom.com and making sure that you're incorporated so nobody can sue you and the next one is you got to get a patent so nobody can steal your idea, all right? Then you're off to the races and I hope all you guys make a zillion dollars

and it all starts with LegalZoom.com. All right, let's get back to the questions here. I really do want that for all of you guys. You know, if you're happy in a cubicle, I know I break your balls about that, but if you're happy, you don't give a fuck then, you know. Happiness, I'd like for you to achieve happiness. So anyways, off to join the army.

Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-do. All right, this is a good Memorial Day email. Hey Bill, thanks for all the funny. Well, you're welcome. He said, I've come to a point in life where decisions have to be made. For the past seven years, I've been working within an industry

that has thrown me so many curve balls and fuck yous that it just doesn't seem normal. The brief roundup of what I've been through. Shit can, three weeks after buying a house. Oh my God. You know, I've never had to deal with stress that level. I can't imagine that one. Number two, business closed two weeks before my wedding.

Oh my God. So not only you're not making money, you now have to be even more involved in the wedding planning because you don't have the, I gotta go to work, excuse. All right, number three, numerous dead-end jobs and whatnot leading up to today. Although I have had the pleasure

of listening to the wise words of Burr. I don't know about that, dude. You're listening to a moron that you can relate to. He said, I have decided enough is enough. I'm off to join the army, going to do a trade, throwing away eight years within the tech industry to become a chef. So be a chef in the army.

There you go. You just hang back and peel potatoes. That's what I, no, you're not even that. You'd fucking make that shitty army food taste unbelievable. You know? Then you got it, then you get fans within the army. Then you come out. Don't blow all your money on hookers

and all of that bullshit. Save all your fucking money. Be a chef in the goddamn army. And then when you get out, you know, start your own restaurant. I'd experiment with food and find out what the average American likes. You know, you have a total demographic right there,

running the gamut. You got people from all 50 states. All right, and some of them know how to cook. Maybe the Southern guy can teach you how to make some of that fucking barbecue. You know, somebody out in Buffalo could show you how to make some wings that are juicy on the inside, crunchy on the outside.

This is a tremendous opportunity. You can go see the fucking world. And I know there's other people in the army. See the fucking world over the middle of this fucking shit hole. I know, I'm sorry. I'm trying to put a positive spin on this. Yeah, it is what you put into it. So he goes, there's a lot of hard work ahead.

Yeah, that guy yelling in your ear. What kind of chef do you know can go through an obstacle course? I hope you're gonna do some pushups, buddy. And he goes, it'll be well worth it in the end. If all goes to plan, I'll be away from home and the wife for eight months. Nobody said I'd get a holiday to LOL.

Anyways, just wanted to say thanks and I'll be sure to listen always, even when I'm living on some base far away from my friends and family. All right, dude. Well, good luck for you, man. Do you feel like that's the right way to go? I hope you come back to being a chef though, man.

You know, if that's actually in your heart. Do you know what's funny? That story just reminded me of something and I was laying down and then I just sat up and now I can't even fucking remember. The fuck, I gotta go back and reread some of this shit. The chef, the hard work will be worth it. Fuck.

What happened to my brain? What happened to it, everybody? All right, we're almost, oh, I know what it was. Getting into shape. I gotta show you this YouTube video. By the way, I love YouTube more than anything on the fucking planet. It's one of the things that I always go to.

But this whole thing where they're not letting you say I don't want to use my real name. You know, I don't want to use my real name. I don't, not because I write cunt-y shit, just because I don't want people knowing who the fuck I am. You know, I don't even really leave that many comments on YouTube.

But you know what it is? I just don't like how they're not giving me the option to say no. So you keep hitting the refresh button and you know, it's getting to the point. You know, well, you know what I would do? If I had any sort of computer savvy, I would just start a total ripoff of YouTube

where you could remain anonymous. And you just have the exact same fucking videos. And anyways, I don't know how, I've tried to find this YouTube video. We're gonna have it up there. This guy has this fucking plank position, five minute fucking workout that I'm gonna start doing. You know, the plank position where you basically,

it's like you're in the pushup position, but you're on your forearms. So he does each one of these positions for 15 seconds. All right? This is basically the workout as far as I can remember it. All right? So you're doing the original plank position, you're on your forearms, 15 seconds, all right?

Next 15 seconds, you just have your left arm pointed straight ahead like you're doing Sieg Heil, Heil Hitler, right? You do that. And then after 15 seconds, you put that down. Now the right hand, Heil Hitler, all right? This is by no means pro-Nazi. I'm just trying to give you a visual here.

Oh, you can just watch the fucking video. All right, then the next 15 seconds, you left leg straight out, put that down, then your right leg straight out, right? And then you go left leg, right hand, right arm. That's like a balance of thing. And then the opposite of that, then you go to your side, you go to your side.

It's fucking insane. Like the longest I've ever been able to do the plank position when I was in really good shape was like two minutes. So I'm on this shit. I'm on this shit. All right, so do it with me. I'm gonna put a link up to the podcast page, the YouTube video, and hopefully you don't have to go

through that rigmarow of having to leave your real name. If you do, just hit the refresh button. But I found lately, if you hit the refresh button too much, it just keeps going back to it. And then you just have to shut it off and then just click on YouTube again. It's a pain in the ass. I don't know why they're doing it if anybody knows why.

I mean, one of it, I pointed the kind of, would be great if people who write all that racist shit actually had to leave their real names. Maybe they wouldn't. But what does that really solve? There's still gonna be racists, you know? They just know not to say it out loud so they won't lose their jobs, right?

Isn't that right? I don't fucking know. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I still had a couple of good ones to read here. Can you remind me, what else you got to do? It's Memorial Day, right? Let's read a couple more. Horses.

Hey, Bill, thanks for your relationship. Think of your relationship with your dog. This is what you can have with a horse, but it's more. Oh yeah, because I said if I had a horse, I'd love to have a horse that I never rode. I hate that whole breaking the horse. He goes, dogs are kind of like happy-go-lucky buddies. They have a likeness.

Horses are like noble dogs. They are a little smarter and can be even more emotional than a dog. So they can be even more loyal than a dog. They have to be one over. Oh, you left out the beat. They have to be one over with respect. And once you do this,

they consider it a pleasure to have you ride them. It's a two-way thing that's hard to describe. Watch the movie, Black Beauty, the one with Alan Cummings as the voice and go fuck yourself. All right, I don't know that they, would you ever find it a pleasure to have 150 to 200 pounds on your back?

Imagine if you had a backpack that weighed, we'll just say 180 pounds. And not only was it on your back, it was fucking slapping your ass, telling you to go faster. And which way to go. Would you enjoy that? I don't know, more horse stuff.

I wanna know. I wanna know, cause I love horses, but I just can't, I could never break one. That would kill me. That really would. That would hurt my fucking hat. Underrated. Uncle Billiam.

This could be the underrated of the century. Keeping your dick in check, flipping the script on the ladies and refusing your woman's sex. I just told my girl no sex till she goes and applies for 10 jobs today. And the look on her face was priceless. Like she just had no clue what just happened.

Looked like a little kid that had just been, just had its teddy bear stolen. Love the podcast and go fuck yourself, you redheaded bastard. Yeah, no, it's a great one. That's a great one. I mean, you're fucking with that. That's, you know what?

You having your dick in check is like your woman fucking bench pressing more than you. That's basically it. I mean, the core thing that a guy has over a woman is that he's physically stronger. Okay, core thing a woman has is that we're run by our dicks. Well, I mean, they're also smarter. I think they're just,

I do think women are smarter in a lot of areas just because they have to be. It's a nature thing, you know? We're stronger, so we don't, I think we just didn't use our brains as much back when you could fucking drag a woman around by her hair and beat her with a branch. I said, you have to fuck up, you know?

You didn't have to grow as a human being. They had to sit there and be like, how do I get that big dumb oaf to do exactly what I want him to do? I can't grab him by the fucking throat. How can I make him do it and actually make him feel like it's his decision? You know?

Anyways, whatever. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I'm touring with the Teen Idol sensation. We're gonna be at the Count Basie Theater this Wednesday. You know? One o'clock jump, Count Basie fucking theater out in Red Bank, New Jersey.

And then we're going down to some fucking theater in Baltimore. I don't have the names of these on Friday and then Saturday, I don't know. I'm in some place in, no, Thursday I'm in Baltimore, Friday I'm in Pennsylvania. And then Saturday I wind it up with two shows down there and what do you call it?

In fucking Atlantic City. And tickets have been selling unbelievable. The best I've ever sold in my career. And I wanna thank all you guys. It means the world to me that you guys are coming out to my shows and I get to continue living my dream here. All right, so thank you for that.

That's the podcast. Like I said, go fuck yourselves. Have a great Memorial Day and I'll talk to you next week. It's time to meet Honey, I ain't impressed with those material things. It ain't the trip to Brazil. It ain't the weekends in Rome.

It ain't the French Riviera. You know I'd rather stay home. It's a Bahamas, it ain't mine to go. Honey, I ain't impressed with all the places we go. I'm waiting to love me. It ain't the money. I'm waiting to love me for the diamond.