Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-28-15

Episode Date: May 29, 2015

Bill rambles about mansplaing, smiling after murder and The Jetsons.

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I hope you've enjoyed your last couple of days. I hope Tuesday and Wednesday was everything that you thought it was going to be. You know, when was the last time you looked forward to a Tuesday or a Wednesday? You never do. You never do unless you have the day off, which is why you have to go and kill your boss. Okay, and I think there's not a jury in the world that would convict you if you just said, listen, I just wanted for once in my life to be able to look forward to a Tuesday and a Wednesday. You know, and they would all put their heads to the side and they'd smile and be like, you know what? That person, did that man deserve to die? Okay? Not to be a chauvinist, but I just assumed the boss is a man, you know, with all the squawking from the feminists,

like, you know, how they're not fucking, I don't know, I don't know what their problem is. You know, there's not enough gumdrops in their fucking ice cream evidently. I think that's their basis. I'm not going to start that shit again. By the way, me and Nia had a great time on Monday. Most people thought it was a great time, enjoyed us having a good time, and then other people got a little sensitive. I thought you were a little bit too hard on her. Did you? Did you really think I was a little hard? You think she couldn't take it? She was fucking destroying me. You know, there's always one douche who just has to take everything too fucking seriously. And for some reason, in this day and age, then the whole world, the whole world will listen to one douchebag

and think that it's a tsunami of fucking human beings. A tsunami bill? I'm fucking riffing here. Every once in a while, the wrong fucking reference will come out. Ten people fucking complain and they'll act like it's all a china. It's a dumb as shit. Just like... I really think someone needs to look at these fucking groups and be like, hey, hey, hey! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

You fucking bullies! That's all you're doing, the exact fucking thing you don't want done to you. Now you're doing everybody else. They're such cons. Who Bill? Which groups? All of them, generally speaking, about the way they go about with their mission statement. They really are. They don't give a fuck who the fuck they destroy. As long as in the end result is their... You know, most of the time, you know what they want to do, I think is a good thing.

But the way they go about it, what the fuck is my computer talking about now? A script on this page may be busy or it may have stopped. I don't give a fuck. Telling me about it for. Alright. My computer's gonna be a pain in the ass to me this week. I can already tell because I'm trying to fucking upload some files to an external hard drive so I can have them on there so I can never look at them again. How many external hard drives do you fucking have? All these important pictures, all these selfies you took while you were shit-faced in a bar.

Gotta keep all of them, right? Some dumb thing somebody sent you that you saved for some reason to show somebody else and then that's there and then that's in your fucking hard drive. Alright, I get it. I get it. I get it, computer. Okay? Stop the script. Fuck it. Okay, I'll get on with my life. So anyways, yeah, like last... You remember a couple weeks ago when I told you that hilarious story of the white kid

fucking in the clean shirt and the beautiful glasses and the rope necklace was asking for money and how, you know, I was teasing about how good he looked so then he handed the money back so I took it and gave it back to my friends and then the guy in the wheelchair came and then they gave it to him and the fucking white kid flipped out and how funny it was. Right? Somebody got all pissed at me on Twitter about that and said, you know what? Yeah, that was great. You know, the only thing funny is that is me not going to your Amazon link

when I go to Amazon. It's like, alright. Yeah, do that. There you go. My entire fucking economy was based on you going to fucking Amazon. I don't give a fuck. I don't pressure anybody to do that. If you want to do it, I appreciate it. If you don't, don't. And you're going to have your fucking reasons. Stop fucking sending me tweets like that's going to, like I'm going to be brought to my knees.

Bill Burr will not be at the comedy store this weekend because one cunt decided not to use his Amazon link. Now what's he going to do? He can't afford the gas to get over here. Speaking of which, all freckles, I am sold on that fucking Tesla. A buddy of mine last night, a comic, he got one and he just got the S model. It was the sickest fucking car. He got it in blue. It was the shit. I woke up this morning thinking about that car smiling and that's usually a good thing. When you wake up thinking about something smiling, you know, unless you murdered somebody the night before and you're smiling about that, then I guess you'd be a psycho.

But I'm sold in that fucking car and I want to get the, I want to get the one that fucks with the Corvette. The P, the P series one where it's got two motors. I want to get one of those fucking things. And I was talking to another comedy and he goes, well, you know, what if there's a power outage? It's like, okay, you're never going to have to buy gas again and you're worried about a power outage. Power outage. Think about your cell phone. Think about your cell phone. When was the, okay, that thing needs electricity. When was the last time there was a power outage and you couldn't use your cell phone for some ridiculous period of time. Can you remember? Okay, now, now that you're off the ledge, go out and go buy the fucking car.

Fucking dope. You're not dope. Why do I do that? Anybody doesn't think what I think is then a dope? Yeah, he's just fucking, what was wrong with me? I don't know. So anyways, had a great time last night. I want to thank everybody that came down to the comedy store for the, the All Things Comedy Showcase last night. Everybody had a great time and Joe Rogan was nice enough to jump on. In the end, had a great time hanging out with him. Al Madrigal, Bert Freischer, Joe Bartnick, the Rose Bowl legend was there. Neil Brennan, Dean Delray, it was just a, it was just a fucking awesome time.

And you know what's the greatest thing about it? At no point did anybody periscope backstage that's becoming the new fucking thing. You know, the new desperate thing to try to sell your fucking love songs on. You know, hey, this is fucking loud. Love it on periscope. This is what my face looks like when I take a shit in my fucking bathroom. And by the way, this bathroom was done in a Victorian style. I fucking hate periscope. I don't, I, you know what I just, I haven't even seen it. It's just the people who have used it. It's so fucking intrusive. Somebody just comes walking in their own, I'm on periscope right now. It's just like, did I ask to be on this fucking thing? Don't I have to sign a release? Or am I just guilty of being out in public then? And now it's like everybody's becoming like TMZ.

I don't know. I'm not a, you know me, I'm not a fucking fan of that. The only thing I don't like about the Tesla is that giant super sized fucking iPad. I hate that thing. Everything else about the car I love, but so I'm already thinking about, I know this guy that does custom car shit, and I'll just have a window shade made for that thing and I'll just fucking pull it down. I don't want that thing, you know, glaring in my face like I opened that thing in Raiders of the Lost Ark every time I drive down the fucking street. You know, other than that, I think that car is, I think that car is pretty sick personally. Personally is what I'm thinking. So anyways, this is Thursday afternoon. And for all you hockey fans out there, all you fans of the game of hockey, you have to be unbelievably excited, huh?

Two game sevens. One tonight. The rages against the fucking lightning. And then tomorrow night, the Blackhawks got to go to Anaheim and play the Ducks, man. I can honestly tell you, I have no idea who's going to win either one of those series. But I do think whoever wins Blackhawks Ducks is going to take the, is going to win the cup. Unfortunately, the West has just been stronger than the East for fucking ever. And that's not bad. Bruins won in all 2011. Did I say 011? Did I almost say 011? Is that what I fucking did? I was trying to get onto this fucking website here.

I got it here. This is something people wanted me to talk about. If you want me to go off on something, just tweet at me with hashtag TAMMP, Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast. Just before Friday. This is feminist upset over statue of a man and a woman talking. Scene. Okay. This is scene. All right. This is in Washington, DC. You're a woman sitting on a bench reading a book. Your male friend sees you on the quad and comes over to say hello and talk. You put down your book, lean back against the bench and smile.

He doesn't sit next to you and steady puts his foot on the bench and leans over on his knee. So sexist, right? That scene is depicted in a statue at the University of Incarnate World in San Antonio, Texas. And despite no sign of distress or physical assertion, some women have decided it is a statue. Oh my God. This is of mansplaining. A term used to describe men condescendingly explaining something to a woman. Dude, how much do they fucking hate us? Like they never do that?

Jesus Christ. Every five seconds they're trying to fix you and change how you are. Why don't they see the balance in that? That's fucking nuts to me. Anyway, seriously, here's the actual statue and the claim of misogyny. Okay. Some woman wrote, a friend spotted this in Texas, hashtag mansplaining the statue. Oh my God, I have to start explaining shit to women. If this fucking annoys them, all you gotta do is just do it more. The tweet went viral over Memorial Day weekend. It all started when Ash Hernandez saw the statue on her way to a teacher's certification test.

She was so outraged that she ran back to her car to get her phone to snap a picture. The sculpture just screamed mansplaining. Let me just fucking try to be open and honest, which is really difficult for me because I'm such a cunt. When I look at this thing, I don't see her smiling. She actually looks like her lips are pursed like she's going really. But he seems like a nice guy. He's got a nice full head of hair. He's wearing a pair of slacks. He's got his shirt tucked in. He does seem like she seems annoyed by him. I will say that the way she's looking up at him.

What the fuck do we make this a little bigger? But I mean, if I saw this, I would be like this guy is striking out. She's not having it. I don't know. I don't know what the deal is. He definitely, I gotta admit, he definitely does look like he interrupted her. You know, she's got her legs crossed. She's got the book there she was reading and he came over. I don't know, this is mansplaining. I think the guy is kind of a douchebag and he's taking a fucking, you know, he's taking a swing. I think feminists have to understand that in order for us to get laid, we have to initiate the interaction. So, you know, maybe he didn't have to put his loafer up on the bench.

But I don't think that's a reason to take the whole fucking thing down. Like I wouldn't walk by that statue as a guy and be like, you know what? I'm gonna do that. Next time I see a lady reading a book, I'm gonna put my fucking foot on there. Mansplaining is hilarious. Just for the record, ladies, they do it to us too. There's always that fucking person. You know, that person, it's usually a person who's either they're not educated or they're overly impressed with their education. Like someone who didn't go to college is always trying to constantly throw out some information about something that they're well-read on, that they've read, you know, to overcompensate for the fact that they didn't fucking throw 100 grand into the goddamn toilet going away to school. Or you get those people that, you know, I went to undergrad here and then I matriculated over to fucking blah, blah, blah, for my graduate and my baccalaureate degree.

You know, those fucking people. And, you know, I'm not saying that they can't be cool. And I'm not saying someone that doesn't go to a fucking college, didn't go to college, can't be fucking cool. But I'm just saying generally fucking speaking, those are the two types of people. They over-explain shit. You know, I've had people who don't live in California tell me what California's like, you know. And then you're just sitting there going like, dude, I live there. They'll be like, dude, LA, it's just everybody's plastic. Everybody's got plastic surgery in Botox. It's like, no, no, there's a lot of unbelievably talented people. You know, all those fucking shows you love, all those shows that blow your mind, this golden age of TV.

Most of the people writing those and shooting those live in Los Angeles. So know that. All right, know that. Okay, you want to see a lot of plastic surgery, I'd go down to Orange County. All right, I'd go down there. Okay. They even got, you know, that, you know, I thought there was just going to be, you know, my wife watches the Real Housewives of Orange County. I thought it was bullshit. I was like, all right, they picked the six biggest freaks down here, you know, and then of course made this place look bad. And then I went down there and I did a couple of weekends down in Irvine and I was like, oh, oh, okay, I see. I see what's going on now. I see what's going on. 53 year old woman wearing spaghetti straps, you know, their freckled shoulders.

You can see they're still working out, but you know, your skin just loses the elasticity and it just, it doesn't look good. It doesn't look good. No one should wear a tank top man or woman over 50. You just shouldn't do it. You know, even Jake, Jacqueline had the decency to wear that Fonzie fucking onesie zip up. He was still in great shape, but he knew, he knew what was going on, you know. Farrakos vein here or there, you cover it up, you know, you keep yourself in shape and you wear a lot of clothes. Hey, by the way, all freckles is turning the ship around this big fucking tugboat of a belly that I've put on here. I was a buck 87 or something. I think I dropped a couple pounds. You know, when you first started diet, you can drop a couple pounds in a few days just by, just by eating healthy.

Just by going from the beginning of the day to the end of the day. So I've been doing the oatmeal in the morning with banana and then between breakfast and lunch, I have an orange and then for lunch. I've been just doing like, what did I have yesterday? I had a giant salad and then I had a little bit of steak in there. I wanted to have a little bit of tuna later. And then for dinner, I was running out the door and I had this celery already fucking chopped up at a big glob of peanut butter. And I just did that and do that's a game changer, man. If you have celery with a glob of peanut butter, if you can fucking tough your way through that and deal with people going like, what are you doing? A remake of fucking outcast or whatever that fucking movie Tom Hanks did where he talked to the ball. What's that called? Loan survivor? Oh Jesus Christ, I know this one.

It begins with an O, not outcast, shipwrecked, overcast. No, that's weather. The fuck was that called? God damn it. Anyways, did it begin with an O? Let me add the big beard. Well said, well said! Alright, you're on an island. Your shipwrecked. Castaway. Castaway? What is a castaway? Is that when they throw you overboard? Yeah, get out of here, matey! And they fucking throw you even castaway out to fucking sea? I'll tell you one of the worst things ever is getting keelhauled. Can you imagine that shit? Just fucking drag you underneath the boat until you pass out from sucking in water?

I mean, it's just a fact that that could be a punishment. The eggshells that I would be walking on. Whatever that fucking one-legged maniac told me to do that was fucking driving the boat, I would do. I'd fucking do anything. You're gonna fucking keelhaul me? And your friends are fucking sitting there strapping you up for that ride? You're sitting there going, come on guys, under your breath you're like mutiny, mutiny, mutiny. Oh my god, I could never live back then. I would have been, y'all the shit that I talk right now, you know I talk all this shit right now because there's none of that belly of the beast, no Iron Maidens left, none of that fucking shit, at least in this part of the world, at least where I live.

You know what I mean? But we don't fucking set you on fire or do all that fucking horrific shit that we've done to people throughout the years. Alright, let's get off this subject. It's kind of creepy, huh? Alright, what do we got here? Other shit people wanted me to talk about. Battlerapper holds nothing back on the fat jokes. I'll post that video. I started to watch it, but he was going so goddamn slow. It was annoying me. Ah shit, I gotta hit pause here. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Alright, sorry about that. I just had to make sure that somebody called me about something I have later on in the day, and I gotta make sure I'm not gonna be late over there. There's something else somebody wanted me to go off on. Cancer Charities allegedly misused $187 million for concerts and dating sites, luxury cars. For Cancer Charities, I think I already talked about this. Use more than $187 million to buy luxury cars, luxury cruises, concert tickets, and even dating memberships for families and friends. It's one of the largest charity frauds accusations ever leveled in the U.S.

Well, I gotta be honest with you, so many of them, if you dig a little bit, it seems like, I can't say, like say like five hour energy. They just got a thing now that every time you buy something five hour energy, they're gonna donate to this fucking cause. Alright, and basically what they're gonna do is they, but they have it on the screen. They say we're gonna give at least $200 grand, and we're gonna give five cents on every five hour energy thing that we sell. And I gotta be honest, like I don't think that that's bad,

cause they're being up front about it. Jesus Christ, you blocked me in jerk face. Close the driveway gates and lock the front door. I had to move your rental car. That's nice. Blocked my way from the driveway like an asshole. Anyways, I don't think that that's bad. But you just have to pay attention to a portion of the proceeds is the big thing,

and it becomes like what portion of the proceeds, and then it becomes like, well, what charity can I give to that the most amount is going to go to the actual people that are suffering? Now you have to have some sort of infrastructure, and the people, if they're donating 100% of their time to the charity, they have to make a living where they can pay a mortgage. So I get all of that, but there is a thing where it becomes like, well, how much are you making a year?

Like if you're taking in $10 million and you're paying yourself a fucking million dollars a year, then that's when it starts getting weird, where it's just like, alright, so you're a fucking millionaire right now because people have rickets or whatever. You know, I don't fucking know. Who the fuck knows? All I can tell you is that my charity, okay, the ol' freckles. Alright, to raise awareness on skin cancer is going to be, I'm going to get that in motion for 20, what do you mean, 2015, 2016. I'm going to set it up.

Alright, and every time you guys go, oh jeez, I'm going to, I can't do that, I'm going to go broke. If I, I don't know, I'll come up with some horseshit where I can fuck you guys out of money. Make it seem like you guys are doing a good thing and I'm doing a good thing. And then one day you'll find out that I've completely fucked you over and then I'll have like no comment. As I get out of my, you guys find out that you bought my Tesla, can you imagine that? I said, you know what kills me about people who do shit like that is, it's funny to me like if they can sleep at night or if, if they can't, if they're out, or if it's the other way and they're just fucking wide awake at night, go to Jesus Christ.

Like, hey man, are those alligator shoes? Those things are like Tom Ford, like 12 fucking grand, yeah. How did you get those? Ah, raising awareness for kidney stones, you know? Well, we raised a ton of money and I just take a percentage, 90%. And I, you know, I do, I'm doing God's work. God bless you. You're doing God's work. You're doing God's work. I run a non-profit. Oh yeah? Then how do you pay your bills? Balls in your court, sweetheart. I just asked you a question. Don't stare at me like, how do you run a non-profit and fucking put fruit loops on the table?

I want to know at some point, well, I draw a salary. There you go. You are profiting. You're profiting, but whatever. I guess I'm starting to think like I'm overly critical of a lot of these charities that, you know, people do have to make a living, you know what I mean? But then there's that weird thing where it's like the bigger the event, they feel like the more money that they're going to make, I guess, and then they got to start renting out these sick ass fucking places. And that's when I think it starts getting weird.

I don't know. There's a good movie in that somewhere. Somewhere in there, there's a good movie script about something that starts a fucking non-profit for the right reasons. And then in the end, you know, the money's coming in, they get a nicer car, all of a sudden they're driving around, you ain't gold digging a horse, start showing up, you make a statue of it, some broad walk into class doesn't like it, she fucking tweets about it, nine people lose their minds, so 15 people lose their jobs. Isn't that how it works? Oh, Bill, you're such a douche. Shut up. All right, fuck you.

All right, let me, let me... Oh, by the way, the extra posters that I had left over from the Billy Bible Belt tour, they're all autographed and they went on sale yesterday. And much to my happiness, they're going really fast. So if you want to get one there, I made sure I autographed all of them. And I don't know, we got a, I don't know what we got left, 150 left or something like that. So if you'd like to get one, you know, if you can't make it to my shows or somebody you know, you know the deal, if you'd like it, get it, if you don't, I fucking get it, all right?

So anyways, what are we up to here? 23, 24 minutes. Let me do a little read here, a little advertising read. Blue Apron. How the fuck is this? Blue Apron? It's okay, you can admit. The last thing anybody wants to do after work is wait in line at a grocery store, schlep home and cook a complicated meal. I agree with that. I agree with this copy so far. An expensive, unhealthy take-off, take-out is hardly better. Oh, but it is delicious. That's where the new service, Blue Apron, comes in.

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Well, they're not on me, they're on you guys. They always try to do that. They always try to put words in your mouth. These people, you know what I mean? I just put on my blue apron and I feel like a million bucks. My dick is standing at attention. Bombas, everybody. Chances are, if you have feet, you wear socks and face it. Socks haven't changed since they were invented. Yeah, they are. They're fucking mass produced by crying Asians or people down in El Salvador. It's disgusting. It's changed a lot. Back in the day, your mom made them, sat down and knitted them.

Hey, bombas, why don't you fucking, you know, read a little bit of history before you start throwing on crazy shit like that. They were all, they fall down, they wear out and there's always that toe seam that's never in the right place. Our new sponsor, Bombas, has changed all of that. Bombas dedicated two years to engineering socks that stay up, last forever and feel amazing on your feet. Evidently, I have a pair of bombas. I probably don't give a fuck. New socks are awesome and these guys are going to set them to you. Let's cut to the chase here. They're so comfortable, the honeycomb stitching. Oh, I'm a big fan of honeycomb stitching.

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You need to really try a pair for yourself. But listen, bombas don't stop with your comfort. With every pair of socks, bombas sell as a pair is donated to someone in need. Yeah, the person who had to fucking sew them together. A two cents an hour. Because socks, as it turns out, are the number one requested thing at the homeless shelters. Right now, for a limited time, bombas is offering my listeners 20% off their first order in free shipping. Just go to bombas.com slash birds, b-o-m-b-a-s dot com slash burr.

Do it now for 20% off the most comfortable socks on the planet and a pair for someone in need. Go to bombas.com slash burr. That's b-o-b-a, b-o-m-b-a-s dot com slash burr, b-u-r-r. Jesus Christ, how fucking hard are people working these days? They don't have time to shop. They don't have time to get food. It's fucking unreal. Do you guys remember that cartoon, the Jetsons?

You know, me, George Jetson. Ba-da-da-bo-da-da ba-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da-da. Ba-da-da-da-do, his boy, L. Roy. Boo, daughter, Judy. Jane, his wife, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-do-doo. In his fucking car folded up into a briefcase. That was supposed to be in the future.

And the whole premise was, who's getting it? It was the Flintstones, flipped on its ear. It's just like the Flintstones, but it's in the future. No Dino, you got Astro, right? No Bam Bam, you got L. Roy. Whatever the fuck I'm talking about. So anyways, the big premise about that was technology, technology was gonna be so fucking insane

that we were gonna have three-day work weeks. And that was a running joke on that. George Jetson would always say, oh my god, these three-day work weeks are murder. And I guess that hasn't happened. People are working more than they ever fucking worked. And to the point they don't have time to go to a goddamn grocery store, grow some fucking vegetables,

or pick up a pair of socks, you know, or afford a pair of razor blades down at CVS. Look at all the shit that I'm fucking, all these people that advertise. You don't have time to go to the post office, you don't have time to fucking do anything anymore. Why is that? Did we not understand that the technology

was now gonna own us? Like look at all this shit. I'm fucking sitting there uploading all these fucking photos that I'm never gonna look at, and it's making my computer freeze. What the fuck am I doing? I've been dealing with this thing. I don't even know what the problem is.

It started last night, and it still hasn't uploaded. It won't let me stop the process. It doesn't give me an option, or probably it does, and I don't know how to fucking do it. You know, and it just becomes something else that I gotta fucking deal with. So, I don't know. Would you guys ever have the balls

to go back to a flip phone like some of these kids are doing? Actually, I heard this comic did that. He just got sick of fucking being on his iPhone or his fucking, whatever the other ones are. What are the other ones? You know, Hitachi. Who else makes a...

Who else makes a phone? This is the other one. The really big one. I don't fucking know. All I know is I don't talk on mine anymore. I used the speaker. I'm big on the speaker, man. I don't hold it up to my fucking head

after that kid Mobile Alabama told me his dad died of a brain tumor on the side of his head that he's talking on his cell phone all the fucking time, and he's convinced that that's what it was. And I remember hearing Roger Ebert say that about Gene Siskel, the same fucking thing. So, I hope I didn't wait too long, because God knows I can't remember shit.

This is getting really fucking depressing. All right, we're up to a half hour here. All right, so, hey, I didn't talk about any basketball. Let me talk about that real quick. The basketball, man. Who do you like? Who do you like? I love that the Golden State Warriors

are back in it for the first time since, what, 75? And I love that they play in that old-ass fucking arena. There's a lot to like about them, but for some reason, you know, LeBron going back after they hated him and they burned all his jerseys and shit, him going back and becoming a champion, showing that he didn't have to be part of a fucking pile-on team with all the injuries they got.

I don't know. I can tell you this. I'm going to be happy with either team that wins. But I think LeBron is going to get... He's just such a fucking force. But I will say, and I don't know shit about basketball, that fucking... What's his name?

Stefan Curry? Is that how you say his name? Steve Ann Curry? Stefan Curry? I don't know his fucking name. I've never seen a guy shoot threes like that in my life. He's like Larry Bird level unconscious every fucking game. Even if he starts bad, all of a sudden, he just starts...

I haven't seen anybody... The greatest three-point shooters I've seen in my life is Larry Bird, Reggie Miller, and just for degree of difficulty, the amount of times I saw Kobe take a turnaround jumper with two guys hanging on him, and he fucking hits it. I mean, they'll run away.

Ray Allen, I guess. I never watched him when he was playing. What do you play with? The Bucks? The Sonics? I don't fucking know. I'm not a basketball guy. All I know is this guy is...

The way he shoots every fucking game is like a career game. He's the greatest three-point shooter I've ever seen. I would say Reggie Miller's second, and then Larry Bird. I've never seen anything like this, kid, but I don't think that that's going to be enough. Him just fucking flicking that wrist

and it going right through the net to compensate for the domination of LeBron. I just think that that guy is... I don't know. He's just on another level, just another level. And I think, according to Lawhead, Cleveland has a fucking amazing defense. Defense wins championship,

so with that little tidbit of information from Lawhead. There you go. That's my prediction. I'm saying the Cavaliers win a championship. All right. And LeBron goes down with Cleveland legends. It's funny. You've got to go all the way back to Jim Brown

and Bob Feller. And then LeBron. Right? That's going to be there. Bobby or Ted Williams, Larry Bird, Tom Brady. Right? Those are ours. Those are our four.

You've got to throw Bill Russell in there, though. 11 championships. Who's getting it? We've got so many fucking champions. We're so many fucking champions. So many champions that they have to suspend one of the great quarterbacks of all time over absolutely fucking nothing.

You guys read up on Jim Marseille how he had a, you know, is his mistress there? He bought her a house and she fucking home-deadened it. You know, he's a great guy. That guy is a solid fucking dude. You should be listening to that guy.

Bill, are you really going to whine about it again? You're right. You're right. It's over. It's done. It's going to happen. So anyways, thank you for listening. Enjoy the throwback clip here. Have yourselves a wonderful weekend. You cunts.

And I will talk to you on Monday over there. All right. Next question. All right. Hey, Bill. Huge fan. Not sure if this is where we ask podcast questions or what, but what are some of the things that you want to hear from our fans on the show? Huge fan. Not sure if this is where we ask podcast questions or what, but what are some of your guilty pleasures?

My guilty pleasures. Desperate housewives, a pint of Haagen-Dazs, Ryan Seacrest, guilty pleasure. You know what? I got to give it up to this guy. He did call himself out for asking kind of a faggy question. What are some of my guilty pleasures? Jesus Christ. I don't know. You know what? This looks like a job for iTunes. Let's look at my iPod.

I'm going to scroll down here and let's look at Kate, Alice in Chains. This is the last few things I downloaded. Alice in Chains, Jarrah Flies, the new Foo Fighters. That's all respectable. Somebody's walking by staring at me. I'm doing this podcast in my car, by the way. Oh, there's one. Rosanna by Toto.

Fuck you. I like the drum beat. I want to learn how to play it. God damn it. I want to do whatever it could be. That's a gay song. That's a guilty pleasure. Now I know I'm going to get a bunch of comments. Everybody with fucking Toto pictures. Just make sure Jeff Baccaro's in it. The who won't get fooled again. That's kind of hacky.

I'm ready. The Allman Brothers one way out. Kanye West. I don't know. Some people don't like him. Gym class heroes. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's one. Poison. Every rose has its thorn. Oh, you know what's funny? I love that song. I can't listen to it without...

Every time I listen to it, I always picture people I know watching me, catching me listening to that song. I always get embarrassed during the breakdown part. You know where he just sort of strums the guitar. That part. Yeah, I actually get embarrassed. And a lot of times I say 30% of the time I have to shut off the fucking song. I don't know what that says about me. Ben Harper.

Does that make me a douche? I don't know. Lovin' spoonful Maya. I got some weird ones here. Kind of makes me a hipster douche. Deion Warwick. Walk on by. I didn't download that, did I? How the fuck did that end up on my...

Jesus. Not the only one I use is this. Wow, I'm really exposing myself here. Ah, what else do I got here? Beastie boys, men at work. Overkill. Oh, you know why I downloaded that? What is that movie? What's that show with scrubs? The guy plays the doctor.

The guy with that fucking show there with the black dude. It's actually a funny show and they had that one time the guy came on. You know, you have a song like, you don't think you like it. Or maybe you don't even like it and then it's in a movie. Then all of a sudden everybody likes it. It's kind of like black people all of a sudden liking Sweet Home Alabama. Was that because they played that in... What was it? Con Air.

Was that the first time? And then that guy rapped over it. Anybody black listening to that? What you should really do is you should look at the words to that song. I don't think you'd like that song. Especially the second verse. That in Birmingham they love the governor. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

They're talking about Governor Wallace who was pro-segregation. So think of that next time you're walking it out down there in Hot Lanna. That's not a... I don't think that's a pro-black song. It's got a nice beat and you can dance to it though. I will give them that. Does that pretty much answer the question? I got to redeem myself.

What do I got here? Tool. You can tell I'm blowing by a bunch. I don't know what to tell you. I'm just scrolling down here. Grace Jones, demolition man. Yeah, yeah, yes. Some of these I just took a chance on. Temptation. I got a whole bunch of ACDC.

Oh my God. I actually have that pink song. That's been on there forever though. I'm coming out so you better get the party started. I'm coming out, I'm coming. I downloaded that. There was a moment in my life where I actually wanted to hear that song again. It's kind of like Nickelback.

I have one of those songs, that song Photograph. Nickelback is amazing to me where it's like the first time you hear the song, you're like, eh, eh, it's not that bad. Why do they get so much shit? Then the second time you hear it, you're like, eh, I kind of like that. Maybe I'll download it. Then the third time you hear it, you're like, I want to find that group, hunt them down, kill them.

You know, like a deer. I have some ravens over my back waiting for me to fucking gut them so the meat doesn't go bad and then they kind of fly in. They eat the entrails. You ever watch that? You ever watch something on ravens? I just watched something on ravens the other day. Alright, let's move on to the next question. Here's my guilty pleasures.

So what happens then is that we, you know, we audition at the comedy connection. We go to do it live. We've done it in a room and they said we want to see you live and we bombed. Bombed. It's just like a sucking silence. Now what do you think? So the, wait a minute. Wait, so the first time you ever did it?

On comedy stage. And I've always said the first time, if I bombed the first time, I don't know if I would ever have the courage to go back and do it again. Well, that's the difference between people that are hooked on it and people, people who are born comics and people who are just, you know, dabbling. Is that like, really, if you bombed, you would have done it again. It would have taken me a minute. I would have had it been like, just the sheer fucking embarrassment of taking a hit.

Well, I mean, you can still, there's a deal with stand-up, but you can still eat it today. I'm 18 years in. Oh, yeah, you can eat it. Yeah, you can bombed, but this is the thing. You have years of good shows to be like, well, you know, I know I don't suck at this. I had a bad night, but, you know, right out of the gate. Oh, yeah.

The bad night thing is hard to really get around your head because it still hurts me if I bombed. But when you're up there and you know, you know, this whole idea that, you know, it's never the audience is bullshit. I mean, sometimes it's the audience. Right. But you know, like you can tell, you know, you've done your shit and you can see where they're peeking laughter wise.

And you know, after a certain point that you're not going to go any further than that. So I'm going to have to, I'm just going to have to realize this is the best I'm going to do in this situation and either eat it, you know, and take the hit or make light of the fact. Yeah, I've learned like there's nothing worse than being angry on stage. But I heard, I actually heard a funny story last night. I was doing a gig in this, this book or Jeff Wills from the punchline. Yeah, he was telling a story. One night said Bill Hicks did an entire show with his back to the audience.

It was like a bachelorette party. There was every fucking thing you do. Yeah, those, you know, those bookers, they love to talk about those stories, you know. But if anyone else did that now, they would never fucking work in that club again. All these guys pretend like, you know, like Bill Hicks was the guy and he went on stage and angrily tanked in a brilliant inspired way almost all the time. But if someone existed like that now, he wouldn't have a fucking shot. Do you think so?

Absolutely. I bet, I bet he was still selling tickets at that point because you can't, you can't, you can't turn your back on a fucking crowd and everything that you're going to work. I don't think that's true. I think that the reason he got booked in this country primarily was to make club owners feel like they were, you know, they were at least championing something terrific. Really? Like I think they innately knew this guy was special.

There was no one like him. And even the fact that he didn't sell tickets or alienated the audience every time, they were going to have him twice a year to keep their conscience straight. Also, they could be dicks to everybody else basically. Well, kind of, but just to sort of like to at least support, at least they knew well enough that he was an inspired guy. But I've gotten angry on stage. I did it the other night, dude.

And it would have been a long time because I used to snap all the time. I was going to say that's kind of an understatement coming from you. Yeah, but that's like me saying I've snapped. No, but you know, I'm pretty accessible now. No, no. Yeah, you're way, you're way... But I happened at the store, dude. It happened at this...

How long ago? Two nights ago. He was doing this whole thing. Yeah, how much better now? How much better now? But I snapped one time. What was it? About 48 hours ago.

I couldn't believe I did it. I was such a different person. But you know that place brings it out of you. Come on, the comedy store brings it out of you sometimes. That's what I love it, though. Me too. It's so fucking evil. So I'm on stage.

It is evil. It is. It's just painted black. It feeds on hate. You know, you feel the walls wanting you to lose it. You know, it's just in the place. So I'm on stage. There's like 40 people in the room.

And like, I'm already like... Just right when I get in there. You know, some kid, that kid, David Taylor. You know that kid? He's a tall guy. He used to do comedy. He's very cynical and negative. And I just...

I wasn't in the mood for it. I hadn't seen him in months. And then I said hi to him. And he goes, I'm staying around just to see you. You better be good. And so right away, I'm like, I haven't seen you in a fucking long time.

You have no right to fucking talk like that to me. Enough with the negative shit. That's just a no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, when I walked, I stormed off. I walked back. You make me feel really good about myself, by the way. Because usually I sound like the angry psycho.

I can be like the happy person this week. Take a break. Yeah, there you go. Go ahead. You go. All right. So I get on stage. Magical one on who I think is just terrific.

I love Al. Oh yeah. I think he's fucking hilarious. Totally original. Unique stylist. Real storyteller. He does good, you know, and then he brings me up.

And then, you know, I'm getting laughs. There's only like 30 or 40 people in the OR. And it's going fine. There's an old couple up front. They may be in their mid 50s, early 60s. And someone talked to them. And they asked him about religion.

I think Neil Brennan did. And they said they were Jews. I'm like, fine. So I'm doing my show. And they're not laughing at nothing. And I looked at them. And I said, I'm sorry. Am I too filthy?

You want me to talk some political stuff? You know, is that what it is? And then the old man looks at me and goes, you're not funny. And I just had this moment where I'm like, all right, dude. All right. And I said, you know what?

I am funny. I know I'm funny. I'm doing well with the rest of the audience. All right. I understand what you're saying. And then like for some reason, I just looked at him. I said, but the fact that that's what you had to pull out of your guts to say to me in this situation makes me fucking hate you.

And there's no real punchline there, Mark. So now you lose the rest of the crowd. That's right. There's this quiet in the room. I'm like, what? That wasn't funny? What did I say? Did it not come out funny?

Now you turn on the rest of them. Okay. Then I turn on the rest of them. And then he goes, you know, you asked. And I said, well, you could have qualified it. Like, how about you're not funny to me? All of a sudden, you're the god of this fucking room. You're the almighty.

You're the one that has the last word. Fuck that. Right. So then, and then like, you went a bad move before you got there because you're little because I got to say the read of this guy saying, you're not funny. Sounds to me like you said some shit that he didn't want to hear. It was more of a subject thing. No, I just it was a general thing.

So then in the rest of the act, I'm doing my act and everyone's laughing. Every time everyone else laughed, I looked at him and I went, huh? And then like, you know, at the end of my set, I'm bringing up Brenda's easy and he he stands up with his wife and they walk out. And while I'm still on stage, bringing up Steve and I go, very powerful statement. Very powerful. I'll see you later, dad. Oh, Jesus, Mark.

Because that's what I said to him. I said, you know, it's like every fucking Jewish guy that has that kind of judgment that's your age is just some surrogate for my father. And I understand I'm translate. I'm transposing some contempt on you, but you could have fucking chose a different way. All right. Anyway, Mark Marin here on the Monday morning podcast. Well, that's not funny.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm just letting people know. I'm acting normally. I just did there. I acted like this was a live show. I like it. You want to take some calls? Yeah, like when it takes you.

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