Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-28-20

Episode Date: May 29, 2020

Bill rambles with Pete Davidson and Ricky Velez about The King of Staten Island, 'Up', and basketball at Disney World.

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I have some special guests this week from an upcoming Hollywood motion picture entitled The King of Staten Island. We have the great Ricky Velez, who I met while working on the film. And then the star of the film, the golden boy, who hates compliments, Pete Davidson. What's up guys? Hey man. How are you? Thank you so much for coming on. And we're basically, we're going to be the box office boys today.

We're going to promote the film. Peter, when does it come out? June 12th. It comes out June 12th on Video On Demand. Alright. Well, I gotta tell you, I've been getting, you know, anytime I've had one of these come out, you know, there's always, you know, I've been fortunate enough that most of them have gotten positive reviews. But then there's always some people being like, well, shouldn't it have done this?

I don't understand that. But this thing has been overwhelmingly positive. And I've gone on a couple of podcasts too where they kind of loved to shit on stuff. And even they were saying that they loved it. So I don't know guys, I'm kind of excited. That really wasn't a question. I just was stating my emotions. I've never done, by the way, I've never done the Zoom thing with more than one interviewee.

So I guess I have to just sit here and go back and forth. So Pete, I think people know who you are at this point. So Ricky, I gotta tell you, dude, I watched a cut of that man. I was fucking blown away by your acting chops, man. I thought you did a great job. You stood out in a very strong, strong cast. I was actually mad. I never got to act with you.

That was probably like the goal going into all of it. So just getting to work with you with writing was pretty sick. But I wanted to act alongside with Bill Burr. Yeah, you were with Pete's whole Staten Island crew of... Yeah, those guys. So you guys, I didn't even like... I saw you because you were writing on the thing, so I would see you then. But I only...

I ran into you guys at like the fitting and I feel like one other day and then that was kind of it. But I don't know, I think the whole thing kind of came together. So I don't know, you guys bummed out that it's not going to be... Didn't get to do a premiere and all of that shit? Yeah, I'm bummed out because I wanted to hang with everybody. I wanted to hang with Elzwit. We were just talking about, alright. I miss Elzwit so bad, man.

Yeah, for those listening, Robert Elzwit was the DP on it. Is that the right thing? The cinematographer? Cinematographer. There we go. And he's done everything from... There will be blood to that scene where Tom Cruise is like on the outside of the airplane. He shot all of that stuff and kind of became one of the...

I did that for months. Alright. Alright, alright. You stand over there, he's going to do this and then the plane comes in and we're going to shoot it. Alright. How casually Bob would hang off a car as they were driving was always hilarious to me. Like he was just so okay with hanging off the side of a car and filming something. Yeah, he was a...

I don't know, I hope I get to work with that guy again. But I have to ask you guys about Staten Island because I was just there obviously doing the acting gig and I left. So everybody's been asking me how I like Staten Island. I was saying I loved it. It reminded me sort of like Greater Boston and a lot of the places where I used to hang out when I was younger. And I was saying it seemed like a great place. And all I could hear was you guys sort of laughing and I, you know, it seemed like a nice suburb and stuff. And then I was thinking in my head sort of the storyline of what you guys were involved in.

I probably need to spend some more time there or am I a little, am I kind of right? Staten Island's like a beautiful piece of shit. It's like... Oh come on, what are you talking about? It's gorgeous. It is. No, it's a beautiful, like it has all the views of like everything beautiful. But it itself is like, it's just, I don't know, Ricky, what are you like, compared to like you grew up in Queens. Yeah, I grew up in Queens.

So I've only seen the part of Staten Island that... I thought you were the Staten Island bad boy. That's what I was calling you the whole film. Oh, Queens, sorry. All right. I only saw the parts that Pete had shown me. And then like the people I knew out of it were all like cops and whatnot. It's never like, before knowing Pete, I probably had been to the island like 10 times.

You just don't go there. Yeah, I drove through it one time. I was playing the stress factory and my flight was out of JFK. So I just sort of shot over the bridge, drove through it, over the Barizzano. And then that was it. But I was surprised. I thought it was going to look like Brooklyn. Like I didn't realize it was going to have such a suburb vibe.

I thought it was beautiful. My nuts... There are... No, there are parts of it that are stunning. Like some of the houses that we're... I mean, were you in the graduate? No, you weren't. But there's a part in the film where we filmed in one of the nicest houses I've ever been in.

Oh, the graduation scene where you could see the whole entire New York City skyline. The island of Manhattan. It was stunning. It was nuts. I mean, that seems like the move though. If you're going to live there, you can get a great house. You can... Like living in Manhattan is cool, but it sucks because you're paying so much and then you can't see the city.

You're just in it. It's like right up against your face. But if you're in Staten Island, you can have a yard. You're just a couple of bridges away. If you drive, you can jump on the little ferry. Am I overly simplifying this? I thought it was great. No, yeah.

I think growing up there and like you love where you grew up, Bill? Yes. Well, yeah, I guess it's just... Yeah, but there was also like... I grew up in Massachusetts, so it was all connected. So there was no sort of... The way you guys are broken off there as an island that I think that, you know, they used to send the trash out there, I guess, from the Manhattan.

So I guess there is sort of a stigma. But it's also cold cops and firefighters. It has to be a good percentage of the FDNY and NYPD. Oh, so it's like top land. Yeah. Yeah, it's very, very blue collar over here. The only thing is, people from Staten Island, I was going to explain, they don't go to the city.

It's like living in Jersey. So anytime you would go to the city, it would be like this big, ridiculous thing, you know? Yeah, and I would think nowadays there's probably less reason to go in there considering they just... They scrubbed it clean. It's just there's no vibe. It's very... I'm surprised COVID survived in Manhattan.

Once all those glass towers and the Bed Bath and Beyonds came in, I was kind of like, am I walking around New York, not worried about getting punched in the head for no reason? I mean, when I first moved down there, it was a... I mean, it wasn't the crack 80s, but there was somewhere along the line, it was a tipping point where... Yeah, it was fun in the beginning of the 90s. And then it kind of just took that turn of Disney World.

I love it. I love being able to skip and hold hands through New York City. But I'm from the part of Queens that as far away, as Pete is from... So it was always like anybody that went to Manhattan went in a limo. Oh, yeah. Well, how did you guys end up meeting each other? I was 20, 21. Pete was 16.

Yeah, we were doing prom shows at New York Comedy Club. Oh, yeah. Yeah. In the comedy club or were you on the boat? No, no, no. In the comedy club. And we were doing prom shows for our schools. And I would just eat it in front of like...

You had the balls to go in front of your own classmates? Yeah, it was a nightmare. And then I realized that I should just make fun of like the principals and just be like, yeah, you know, study hard. And then all of a sudden, it became easier. But I would just eat my dick in front of everybody I grew up with. Those are some of the worst shows I ever had. I wouldn't even want to talk about, oh, you know, that Philly show you got booed by $10,000.

That's nothing. Those fucking prom gigs. Stand Up New York had the ones where you were on a boat. It was actually a really cool prom for the kids until I started doing my comedy. But like they were on this boat going around Manhattan. I mean, it was gorgeous. I mean, what the school did to increase those kids' chances of getting laid was incredible. And then I came in like the big, you know, the big cock block,

hey, we got a comedy show. They just cut off the music. Have you walked out onto the dance floor? And it was just, it was just a fucking nightmare. Yeah, I felt like they never enjoyed the shows. I felt like they just were like, ah, another hour until I get home and try and like finger bang. Yeah, that was part of the overprotecting of kids when that began, when they started having comedy shows and knowing where they were all at. I did one where the freshmen from when I was seniors were, it was their graduation.

And I was hosting and they booed me every time I went up and even introduced somebody. So they just booed me back and forth the whole entire time. Were you even at a chance? No shot. I remember coming up to watch it happen. Like the comics were coming by to be like, I have to see this. I was getting booed up and down each way. 20 acts that night.

Yeah, next act. Yeah, we've all fucking been there. So can you guys let my listeners know because I'm going to fuck this up. Where can we go to see this movie? What is it going to be on? It'll be on Apple. It'll be on your cable. It'll be on Amazon, I believe.

It'll be anywhere that you can, you know, rent or buy a movie. It'll be like when they release trolls. We're trying to follow the trolls world tour format. I know because that crushed. I watched the movie the other night with my kid about this old guy and his wife dies. You know, it's Disney. Somebody always has to die, right? Is it up? Yes.

Yeah. It's sad movie. What are they trying to do to you? Like the fucking, you know, he finds love. He finds his way and then just to the cutest couple of 11, then all of a sudden they show it. They're painting like stuff on the wall like they're going to have a kid and then they just show her at the doctor crying and I'm like, did she have a miscarriage?

Is this like, is this a storyline in a fucking Disney movie, a miscarriage? I got to explain this. My daughter's like going, she's sad. And then I had my, Nia had to explain to me what happened. I go, did she have a miscarriage? Like, no, no, they just said she's barren. She can't have any kids. How come they don't have that ride at Disney?

They don't have that one. They don't have, they don't have remember the Titans. That was a, that was a Disney movie. They need to make those rides and I'll go. Yeah. So yes, we watched that thing and yeah, it got pretty intense, man. And all of a sudden that guy just, he started to try to kill him and there was the Asian kid there who was sort of a kidnapping that he maybe should have turned the house around

but he kind of kept going with this, that little Cub Scout kid. It was, I was, it was still a good movie, but there was a lot of things that I thought were a little beyond my three and a half year old. Cause she kept going, is that his daddy? Is that his dad? Like, oh no. No, no, it's just the old guy. The old guy.

I balloonsed to his house and I took the kid to South America. And not only that, he's up in the clouds. He gets into fucking IFR. That's my favorite thing ever, right? No gauges or anything, but it's also like he's not really staring at it. So he's going to be fine. But then the fucking kid is out on the front porch for like half the ride. And I got to be honest with you.

I'm not trying to be the fucking weekend warrior here, but he would have got hypoxia. He would have died. He can't fucking go up there without a, I forget the test. I think it's above 12, five. You got to have some sort of assisted oxygen. This little kid was fucking out on the porch. And he got down to like Nicaragua before he realized the fucking kid was hanging out there. I know it's just a movie, but Jesus Christ.

And he's going like, those are cumulonimbus. And then my head, I'm going, oh, you want to get away from that? That's like the worst shit ever on the test. Never bring down a fucking DC 10. Ricky, you had a kid, right? Yeah, man. I actually did watch that movie, but my kid's not old enough to like understand death. That was actually going to be my question for you.

Did your kid like understand someone died? Um, she understands that somebody's sad. And, and there was the initial, I remember the first time she sort of saw someone who was being a jerk, um, in a movie. And it was just confusing because everybody's been so like positive and loving her and all of that. So she was just like, she just kept going, why he do that? Why, why that man do that? And then she says, he not a good guy. And I'm like, no, he's not.

He's not a good guy. I read this old book, uh, the hell is one of those Robert McCloskey books. And, uh, it's about the kid who plays the harmonica. And there's some old guy in town who's just an asshole, old sneak. And whenever I grab the book lentils, the name of the book, she'll just be like, I'll read me lentil. I'll be like, all right. And as I pick up the book, she's looking at me. She's like, old sneak, not a good guy.

She's not a good guy. I'm like, no, it's not. It's not a good guy. So anyway, so, okay, so it's going to be up on all the platforms. I tell you, I think you guys got yourselves a, uh, this feels like it's going to be a really, uh, I think you got it. I'm not trying to jinx it or anything. You guys did a hell of a job. It was just fun to be a part of this was sick.

I mean, it was really good. Come on, Ricky, we got 45 minutes. You got to sell it harder than that. I'm so bad. I'm so bad at doing this press. I'm like, yeah, it's out. If you want to go see them, like 50 of them at this point. And after the Washington Post one, I mean, that guy did really in depth questions.

Yeah. It was like, when your dad died, did it make you sad? I was like, yeah, I was like, it actually did. And he goes, when you were watching the fires and stuff, did that make you sad as well? And it's like, yeah, it did miss the guy. The job is to try to bring the emotion out. I told you, my wife watches that when she watches those, those murder shows late at night. And they'll have like the reporter is interviewing the person who lost the loved one.

And you just watching the guy's job or the woman's job to pull the tears out. It's just, it's, it's horrific. Like, so do you miss them? Do you think about them every day? What was the last thing he said to you? He just said, Jesus Christ. Why don't you just hold the photo up? You can't hug him anymore.

Hey, did you guys see the NHL is going to come back? Oh, really? Yeah. They're going to do a playoff in two cities yet to be determined. Depending on your record, there's going to be a best three out of five in the first round, like the old days, which means, you know, the lower ranked team, all they got to do is win that game one. And then it becomes like, you know, the other team tightens up.

It's actually a great thing. I don't know if they're going to have fans or anything, but I'm kind of feeling like everybody's just ignoring the government now and just sort of unquarantining themselves. They're just like, I've had it. I can't be in the fucking house anymore. Yeah, I haven't seen many people with masks lately. Everybody's kind of dropping the whole mask thing.

Walking around Manhattan, people do not have masks on. There's numerous people not wearing masks in New York. It's crazy. I feel it's insane. Yeah. Well, I'm still a mask guy. I'm just like, until the CDC says don't wear one, I'm not going to listen to somebody who doesn't have a fucking medical degree.

But the CDC told you not to wear one. Oh, they did? Well, I also don't watch them. They were the original people of telling us not to wear them. They said, don't wear one? Originally, the CDC said not to wear them. What does that mean? Did they then change it?

They changed their minds on them. Yeah. When they'd all started, masks were dumb. It was a dumb move. All right, yeah, but that's old news. Now you should wear them. You're putting that out there. Why are you listening to the people that don't tell you the right?

I'm not listening to anybody. I'm picking my own rules and I'm sticking to them. Well, I mean, I don't know. All I know is whenever Asians get sick, they wear them. And they seem to be like the ones that know what's going on. They seem to know. If they just get a comment. I remember when they would be wearing masks on the plane.

I'm like, what are they doing? And then I realized, oh, it's because they have a cold. I'm like, that is like some of the most thoughtful, courteous shit I've ever seen in my life. That's where they live. They're like, you ain't gonna fucking tell me to wear a mask. You fucking socialist son of bitch. Listen, I get people who live in the middle of fucking nowhere.

You know, I was talking to a buddy of mine lives in Tennessee. He goes, it's not like the way it is in LA and New York. It's not like that out here. Our neighbors are not on top of us. So, you know, I get that, I guess. Are you guys going to do one of these comedy club gigs where they know 300 tables with like four people sitting there? No, I'm terrified.

That sounds so scary to do right now. What about you? Are you good thinking about doing any of those things? I would do. My kid coming in like two weeks. So, like, I can't really do it, but I would do it. I would just like lose money. They're like, hey, you know, they got a couple in Utah or Arizona or something.

And I'm just sitting there going like, all right, there's going to be how many people there and I have to fly all the way out there and do all of this shit. I don't know if I'm going to make any money, but I think I'm just going to use it. I think I'm going to do some local shit out here in LA. I'm going to find some random little theaters or whatever. Just go up, you know, work for free, let the theater charge whatever they want to charge so they can stay afloat. Like, I want to do one at the Troubadour.

I'd like to do one down there because I know they're kind of hurting. It's a famous music venue out here. So, I don't know. I guess stuff like that. But the great thing is if the quarantine stays, hey, it's something fucked up. What if everybody just unquarantines and says, fuck this, we're going out? Then what happens with you? Would you feel any responsibility if like a group of people got sick at your show?

Oh, that's a great question. And it's an easy answer. No, I wouldn't. I don't have to apologize to you anymore than I do. I have to do my jokes. You know we were in a pandemic. You decided to, so what am I? I was like so mesmerizing that you just had to walk down to the club.

I'm so sick of people not taking responsibility. Okay, we all know what the game is. We rolled the dice. You lost. You were in the crowd. I was far enough away. I would definitely perform at the back of the stage. I would walk out on stage like the door opens, like the old Miami improv.

Like the greatest, like the comedy clubs where you walk off stage and immediately go right to the green room were the greatest ever, especially for like the late shows. If you had a problem with drunk guy and you like, I really don't feel like getting sucker punched. You could just walk right in. Maybe I would do something like that, but Miami's one of the ones they just opened. Oh yeah, you're not paying those people. They're too good looking. They work out too hard.

They want to show it off. You know, they're going to open the restaurants in New York City on the streets. Oh, they are. Are you sort of sneeze out towards the street? I don't know. I have no idea, but I will tell you this. I had such a great time working on this movie with you guys and I am really, really bummed out that there is no sort of premiere because I was looking forward to getting together with all the firefighters again to have Mario tell me some more of his acting stories. Oh, dude.

That was a guy. I'm not going to say what the story was, but he just repeatedly kept telling these stories of these horrible characters that he played and what he did in these friggin movies, man. It was just like, all right, dude, I got it. I got it. And he was so proud of it. Like he couldn't. I was in a horror movie and I got to drown a baby. It's just like, okay.

I did it. It was like really convincing. Okay, Mario. Thank you so much for coming over here. Leave me alone. I'm going to stand over here. Do my lines and stay away from you for the rest of this film. Would you call him the red flag?

We had a nickname for him. I forgot what it was, but we had a nickname from every time we popped up. We would go up, red flags over here. I worked on the one with the guy. And when he would walk over to where we were sitting, we would just start chanting HR. Everything he said was just like, dude, I don't know. What do you think? It's the seventies?

Well, I'm just talking. I'm fucking. Man, he was hilarious. So when you guys think the comedy clubs are going to open back up again. What's that? When do you think the comedy clubs will open back up again in New York? Or like, I think in LA they'll open. I think New York will not open the longest.

Yeah, I think Christmas. I think August. You think August? Well, look at all these fucking lunatics. I love that whole wave of people that went down to the beach. God bless those people. God bless them. Like that's like when you see that old footage and those GIs are walking towards that A-bomb

they just set off so they could see what was going to happen. Poor bastards, right? I feel like those people did that for the COVID. They went down. Pioneers. Yeah, they twerked and snorkeled. Bro, they're fucking four wheelers past each other coughing all over each other. And you know, if they fucking survive, they think it's safe to come out.

I mean, George is not spiking. Oh, they're not. Oh, dude, fuck this. We're going to do a tour by September. We're going to be fine. The uncertainty is definitely sucks though. Just not knowing is really annoying. Not knowing.

The fact that it's going to come back and now that it's like hitting kids, that's what sucks. Yeah, I saw that. Is that like, is that becoming a thing? I mean, not enough number wise to be a big, big thing, but I mean, there are kids that are getting stuff that are COVID positive. Yeah. Yeah.

So there's probably not a lot of them, but it's enough to get people stirred up and scared. So our pediatrician here in New York hit us up and we're just telling us like the facts of it other than what the news was telling us. And it's like, it's bad, but it's definitely not the worst. It's not as bad as COVID. Pediatrician that he hit you up. You'd have to like talk to him or something like that.

And then your COVID text messages and shit. All right. So let's, let's talk more about the movie here. What's, uh, how do you talk about a movie that you don't want to give away? Favorite scenes. Oh, Dan, it's one of yours, Bill. Oh, all right. When you show up to the house.

Yeah. It's my favorite scene in the whole movie. Makes me fucking laugh so hard, dude. That's the, uh, that was the first, my first day on that. I remember I had to scream and yell at you and Marissa. Yeah. Really weird. Hey, Marissa, nice to meet you.

What the fuck is wrong? Jumping in with both feet. I think Judd did that on purpose in a good way. No. Yeah. Everything he does has a rhyme or reason. What was your favorite, uh, scene? Um, I liked the one where we were playing, uh, cards.

Although they only used it a real clip, a quick one. I just had that in like the baseball because I figured by then we had all like bonded. Right. So I was going to work and I just felt like I was just hanging out with friends and shit. So, um, yeah, there was a lot of stuff. There'll be a lot of extras, a lot of things that they cut that I was just like, man, that didn't make it. But then I saw the movies like two hours and 15 minutes long.

So I'm like, all right, well, like, yeah, you had to cut something at that point. Yeah. So the first cup was like two 47. I was like, what do you think? Oh yeah, we did. That's right. Over at, uh, over at Judd's offices. Did we smoke?

Yeah, we smoked cigars. I thought he told us not to smoke in his office. So I thought I didn't. I went outside. Didn't I? Yeah. We went outside. Yeah.

You, you, you complied. Those fucking sad bass at how nice I wasn't. I just pictured on the next day they smoked in here. It was even more slumped. He has like editing Bay posture, right? And I was just like, I don't want to make him any more folded over than he already is. Oh God. Um, go ahead.

Who was going on? I was just laughing. This is the hardest fucking interview ever because you guys are not here. And then the thing that we're supposed to talk about, you can't really talk about because you can't fucking give it away. Yeah. These zoom things are a nightmare. They have, have you, how many have you done, Bill?

I've done a lot. I like zoom as far as like not having to commute anywhere and not being another asshole going to an airport or being in the car. I like being out of the way of other people knowing that because I'm not there. There's another, there's a guy sitting at a red light who's at least the car length ahead. You know, so I'm hoping after the end of all this bullshit that we finally utilize, especially like all of these business meetings and shit.

Oh yeah. Like this, all these like, um, when I started doing the road youngsters, like that was the very beginning of just everybody started traveling. Like when I was a kid, if you travel, that was like a special thing. It was like, it was like one guy in every neighborhood who was a big, big fucking business guy who had to take a business trip. And it was like, wow, he gets a company car. He puts on a suit.

He goes to the airport, gets on fucking Eastern Airlines or whatever the hell he did. But everybody else, it was like maybe, um, the rich family in your neighborhood, like took them to like fucking Disneyland and like the Disney world in the summertime and they'd come back. Everybody was all tanned up and shit and they had all their Mickey Mouse stuff. And you just was, I remember asking my friend when I was a kid, I was just asking, I didn't know what it looked like. I knew there was a castle.

That was it. I was like, what? And he was telling me, he was exaggerating all this shit. So he went to a haunted house and there was a trap door and he fell through it. And I was fucking. And there was no way to go on the internet and fact check it. I was like, really? And then I was coming home to my mom and go, we need to go to Disney world.

There's a haunted house with a trap door and you fall through it. It's like, I don't think that that happened. I don't think that that, when you get a little older, when you get a little older, when you get a little older, we'll do something like that. Yeah. Yeah. I would go on vacation once every like two, three years. That was, that was my big thing.

Ricky, do you have to go on vacation? We camped a lot. We did a lot of camping. There was a lot of camping, a lot of cabins, the shit like that. I went to the Bahamas once. Yeah. That's a big one. We went to a Disney world.

When I was like 15, we finally took a family. Oh, no, maybe a little before that. I went to young. I barely remember. I went to Washington DC. We did that. And I remember one of my, my little brother got lost. Like we were looking at the White House when you could like walk up to the gate and like

wave to the president before fucking 9 11. And so on more sedate, give, give a speech. And then my brother was just gone. I mean, gone, gone to the point. I was having a panic attack. I thought he was gone. I'm going to find him. I still remember it was the early eighties and he had his white socks pulled up to his

knees with the Larry Bird short shorts without line going down the side. He was just running. Yeah. I was so fucking relieved and just ran away. Well, I mean, there was no cell phones and shit. So if you just drifted away, it was like you were on the Sarin Getty and alligator came up out of the water and you were just gone. It was like the amount of kids that I'm, I don't know that just, and I'm telling you,

you could have been like fucking 10 feet away from your family, but that there was a crowd and then they panic and the herd just start stampeding looking for the kid and you go in different directions and you had a fucking problem. That's crazy. But back to the uplifting movie that we're all in. You know, you said something really cool in that, that DC thing where you was saying how you're feeling like you're going to be able to put all of this behind you. Finally, I was really happy for you as far as that went.

And I'm hoping that people will, you got to come up with a great line after this. Anytime they, if they try to steer you back into that shit, something about how, you know, I made a movie about it. Everything I wanted to say is in that movie and I would really appreciate it if you took the time to check it out because that's, that's rather than answer this question. The whole entire zoom thing has been really difficult for me because I can't sit still. I'm like horrible. I like to pace.

So I've had a horrible time doing like all these like interviews on this one's fun. But all the other ones have been a nightmare. Thank you. I thought you were all comfortable there in your commissioner Gordon leather chair that you have. That is a man's fucking chair right there. That is a guy that is making decisions. Thank you.

I feel like I should have a big button over here. Oh, underneath the desk. Yeah. I guess those jokes aren't funny anymore in this story. That really kind of slowed that all down, right? I wonder if that, does that come, does that come right back? Cause there's a weird time right now where you had the whole me too thing, right? You had all of that shit and then COVID comes along, knocks them off the front page.

And now you've had these horrible, you know, stories about people of color and cops and all of that type of things. And, you know, people telling, you know, white women to put their dogs on leashes. So that Karen thing has now gone. It's gone viral and white women are now aware of what that is. There was white women in there was Karen's and that type of shit. So now what I'm wondering is now their next move is going to be to show how woke they now they're actually white women are on the defensive.

I feel like right now for the first time in about five years, they had a great run. You know, the team's old. It's like the last dance, you know, now they will be, you know, so and so his last year complaining. I love the last dance. How great was that? Just watching Dennis Rodman go wrestle in the middle of the finals. It just seems so sick.

What about Jordan? Jordan like literally goes to go get him. Like how bad this guy wants to win. He's knocking on the door and Carmen Electra's pulling the covers up over a head. It's so sick. Just like, I thought, you know, there's been a number of sports writers. I don't like a documentary that the guy is a good guy the whole time. I think that says a lot about you, Ricky.

I'm fucking with you, but that's what a lot of like people who criticize. We're like, well, he had final edit. It was a fluff piece. It's like, buddy, you guys have been telling his story for 40 fucking years. You want to be great to hear his version? Yeah. You tried to make like his dad's murder about his gambling, which was beyond. He should have been able to sue them for libel or whatever the fuck you'd sue.

Blast for me or pandemic sees or whatever the fuck you call it, right? He should have been able to sue for something. There's actually some guy is really whining about it, but he also has that he wasn't in it, but he also has a book coming out. So I think he's trying to use whatever momentum of that thing to sell his book. But I think, I don't know. I think sports writers had their opportunity. They told his story in real time.

And now he's like, no, this is the story. And I just loved Isaiah Thomas going on and doing that whole damage control press thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All that bullshit where he threw the Celtics under the bus and all that. He's like, yeah, people didn't shake hands. You know, it's like, well, Jordan did two years in a row. And when you finally beat the Celtics, because you didn't have a, a stupid inbound pass that Larry Bird took stole.

You were running over to shake Kevin McHale's hand. So you, you obviously shake hands if you win. So they decide if they're doing the NBA in Disney. What is that? I heard they're bringing the NBA back at Disney world. Really? Yeah. That would be insane.

Yeah. Mickey Mouse doing backflips at halftime. No dude. It's going to be nobody but the teams there. And they're saying the Knicks might not even get to go because their record was so bad. It'll just be the teams that are qualifying for the playoffs. Wait a minute. They're going to play the playoffs in Disney world?

Possibly. Yeah. It's a small world after all. They're going to clear out the ride. What are they doing? The stadium that they have there, dude. Hold on. The stadium?

Yeah. Disney world? Yeah. I thought they were going to be playing like out in this, like Main Street. No. No, they're going to play, uh, they, they, the decision was like last week, I believe, tying NBA their Walt Disney world hotel accommodations. Yeah.

They're going to be playing Disney. It's your favorite teams mask and show up. Complimentary vitamin D as you enter the arena. How many, are they going to let people go in or no? No. No, no, no, no. All right. They're just going to finish off the season.

Yeah. It says NBA for July return at Disney world. So the Lakers will win the finals. Well, they should just go right to the playoffs because if they play the rest of the regular season, I mean, and then they start next year's regular season, they're going to be playing like a fucking year and a half straight, although they did have a nice off season right now, but like, are you going to like end who the, like the guy's going to win the championship and like the end of fucking August and then start playing like preseason

games mid September? Yeah. All playoffs. Huh? All playoffs. It's going to be all playoffs. That's going to be fun. It's going to be making its return under this format.

Instead, the NBA will effectively end its regular season in favor of the post season. Format will be similar to any other NBA playoff. The top eight teams from the conference will go against each other in a tournament with the Eastern and Western conferences facing the NBA finals. All right. Now, what are the odds? Who's, who's, who's that? Half court.

Who's the guy from Toronto? The rapper, the fan. Drake. Drake. What are the odds? He still gets in because I got to be honest with you. I fucking, I've really enjoyed a lot of sports without crowds. Even that, that Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson thing, the fact

that you could hear him talking and they were mic'd up was way cooler than listening to some fat fuck is Tiger T's off. Tiger, you the man are in the hole. I can hear the guy works at the waffle house, but I can't hear like the greatest golfer of all time. I like, I kind of, like the UFC with no crowd was fucking killer just hearing the sound of those leg kicks and the punches. I mean, I want the crowd to come back because that's obviously-

I miss the crowd of UFC. I like that crowd. I didn't, I mean golf, I don't watch, but the UFC crowd watching that kind of just felt weird without the crowd. Didn't you feel though that the hits would, it just, just to hear them? It's, it sounded even more, because I'll sit there and watch a guy check. I couldn't stop looking at the seats. I kept looking at the empty seats, the whole fucking fight.

That's what you young guys all do. Like you post, you post any picture on the internet. It's never about the fucking subject. It's like, hey, great picture, but what's up with the fucking hinge up here? I don't know. Home Depot much. It's just like, geez, fucking Christ sitting there nitpicking like a fucking apparently there's 10,000 people missing.

It's not nitpicking. It's 10,000. Fair enough, but like there's two guys trying to beat the shit out of you and you're sitting there going, look at those empty seats. I mean, if you saw two guys fighting on the street, are you looking at the store that they're fighting in front of? When are they going to repair that awning? I'm looking around like, who else is seeing this shit?

That's what you do. You just look around. I'm not going to lie to you. I, when I watched old boxing matches, I was watching that guy. Who's the dude? Oh, you're not going to remember the Prince in the Seam or something like that. That guy was a piece of shit. Yeah.

Was he? Didn't he like come in on a magic carpet? Yeah. He was selling the fight. He was an incredible showman. He was an incredible showman. He was an incredible showman. He's a song and dance man.

You got to sell the fight. I mean, being a fucking asshole makes people want to see you get knocked out. And that dude, people just could not fucking hit him until finally, you know, he, he, he found that the Barrera guy was just not having it, was just not fucking having it. So, and then of course. Oh, so, so you loved Tyson Fury's entrance into the ring when he did the whole King thing and all the, when he fought Wilder. I think it's ridiculous, but I respect the business side of it.

I mean, first of all, the guy's going to go in there. He's going to get hit in the head. Even if he wins like a fucking a hundred times and he's going to pay for that later on in life, he needs to be bigger than life so we can get like, you know, some advertising gig, selling Cheerios or something so he can pad his bank account and maybe quit before he runs into his Antonio Tarver, who's just younger and faster. Like, like the fight game is such a cruel game as far as how the crowd like judges you on your last fight.

When you're like 38, you're like old enough to have like a 15 year old, you know, and if you, you know, the average 38 year old, if he came walking on the front lawn with his fucking wife beater and his spare tire hanging over his gut, these guys are still fighting at that level. And then they got to fight some 22 year old kid. I mean, yeah, you want to see Tyson fight again? Do I want to see Mike Tyson fight again? Um, I, you know, I don't, you know, getting, it seems like if you get hit, the older you

are, the more damage you can do. I've enjoyed Tyson's post fight career. His one man show was killer is, uh, you know, some of his podcast when Joe Rogan has had him on, he's a really fascinating guy. So I don't know, I don't, I don't want to see that guy get knocked around. I'm not saying he's going to get knocked around, but just, you know, fighting. You got to take a few to give a few. I mean, he's got to be like 50, right?

Yeah, he is. He's like 53 or four, but that training video that came out recently was fucking wild. Oh, yeah. But, oh, he's unbelievable. Nobody ever had that movement that he has at the heavyweight division and the speed. Um, and the minute he trains, he just puts on the shortest pair of pants he has. It's insane. He's very like Jay-Z Duke swinging.

It's amazing. That's the old school boxing shorts. They used to go right up to your dick. Dude. And he was a historian. I remember when he, when he first was a champion, he was showing all these, those Jack Johnson fights and all of that shit back then. Jack Johnson, before he became a white folk singer or whatever.

That guy. I had a banana pancakes guy. Oh, isn't there a guy? There's a, there's a musician. Some barefoot guy with a guitar named Jack Johnson. Yep. And all the women love him and he fucking lives in Hawaii. I remember reading about him in Rolling Stone.

I'm like, look at this guy. We all bought guitars, but this guy figured it out. Anybody can tickle the Ivory's book and you write a hit song there. Anyway, well, the movie comes out June 12th, as I mentioned, and as much as I want this quarantine to end, it'd be great if everyone was still inside and watched it. How's that? Yeah. That's beautiful, Bill.

I loved it. All right. What is next for you? Oh, I'm just sitting in my mom's house until this ends. That's about it. I got, I got nothing. I got nothing. I'm playing video games and hoping that the world gets better.

Do you got, you guys tour together? You guys work together? Stand up? Yeah. We work a lot together. And this has been, I think this is the longest I haven't seen Pete in 10 years. It's crazy. Are you quarantining in Queens?

No, I'm in Manhattan. I actually, I, pardon? I just realized you're wearing a hat that said Queens. And I said before, yeah, you're from Staten Island. I'm a fucking idiot. Sorry. And I talked over you like I always do. So go ahead.

No, that's why I actually took off to Michigan. I was in Michigan for a while. My wife's from there. So we stayed out there for like 55 days. And then we recently came back within the last three weeks. And just being back in the city, it's just weird here. So I've just been in Manhattan and then I'm going to make a move in a bit. There's one of the best gigs in the country is in Michigan.

I think it's outside of Grand Rapids. There's a church that's still functioning. But on Saturday night, they just, I don't know what religious denomination they are, but it's definitely a cool religion because they let us come in. Either that or they're hurting for money, but they let us come in and just say whatever we want. We're up there on the altar going, Hey, what the fuck's up with? And then the next day there's somebody up there going like Jesus or Muhammad,

whatever they're into, said this and said that. What the hell's the name of that gig? It's amazing. It has like an upper deck going around the whole top. That's what I love to buy. I'm like, wow, these, these preachers are a draw out here. Just fucking packing a mini became a theater act. Right.

That's awesome. Sounds terrible. That's terrible. All right. With that low, I think we've reached the end here. Three guys can sit here and fucking talk about something you're not allowed to talk about. All right. Well, before we get out of here, I want to thank, I want to thank you guys for coming

on. Pete, thanks so much for getting me in the movie. You're the fucking man, dude. Thank you for having me. You're awesome. Yeah. You're the shit. And I'm looking.

Yeah. You guys are going to this big, big shit's going to happen for both of you guys. You guys got to watch Ricky Velez in this thing. Fucking total natural, man. Fucking you crush those scenes. I was watching my wife fucking act like you've been doing it for 20 years. I see a lot of work for you guys in the future. So just having me play the uncle, the angry old guy.

I love being typecast because it means I'm working. All right. That's it. I got to go. I got to go fucking. I got to do like another 91 of these things. So that's the podcast here. Andrew, do I have to stay on and do the read, right?

All right. Here we go. Okay. And here, okay. Today's Thursday's podcast was brought to you by honey. Are we still quarantining? With all shop on, we all shop online a lot. But did you know you can make online shopping even better?

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Get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash burr. That's joinhoney.com slash burr. All right. That's it, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. Once again, the King of Staten Island starring Pete Davidson, Marissa Tomei, Steve Buscemi, and introducing the wonderful Ricky Velez. It's going to be streaming everywhere.

Enjoy the music and listen to a bonus half hour episode of the previous Greatest Hits Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 28th, 2012. How's it going? How are you? Happy Memorial Day. Huh?

Thanks to all the troops. You know, that's what you're supposed to do today, right? Anybody? And you're still recovering from the cookout? You're a cookout for the troops? You're 12-packed to the head for the fucking heroes? I don't give a shit what a holiday is. I don't give a fuck what it's for.

Eventually enough years goes by, and it's just an excuse to become a tub of shit and drink a 12-pack, you know, and get all your feelings off your chest, you know, all that shit that you've been harboring about the person that you're with. You know, a few weeks ago, somebody was asking me, ah, you know, they wanted to break up with somebody, and I was saying, listen, you got to listen, you know, the person who has it down, how to do the breakup, was Minivan Men Podcast's own celebrity star, Al Madrigal. But if you don't have time to email Al Madrigal, just listen to LL Cool J, big ol' butt.

I don't know why I never really listened to him when I was growing up. You know, mama said knock you out. Oh, did she? Is that what she said LL Cool J? I don't care. You know, I just wasn't into it in his deodorant, in his armpits, when he was jamming with those white guys. I just, I never got into it.

But lately, lately, I don't know. I don't know what happened. I just just come onto my YouTube shit. I don't know what it is, but I was listening to some of his stuff. Well, I know why. Yesterday, I was trying to remember, like, what was that song he used to have, that I'm the type of guy, and you're the type of guy, but what the fuck was that?

And then I listened to it, and I kind of liked it, but I hated that. Oh, part of it really annoyed me. I'm like, oh, that's why I never downloaded this shit. But then on the side, they had LL Cool J, big ol' butt. You know, I played drums. I'm like, well, let me hear what this track sounds like. And I put it on and he basically teaches you how to break up with a girl in that song. Or that rap, or that rhyme, however you're supposed to say it.

He breaks it down, and just in, like, fucking, 11 seconds, he sits his girls down. He's basically hanging out in, like, some sunglass hut or some shit, and some girl comes in with an insane ass, and he does what every guy does. He stares at it and he thinks, I want to fuck that, but oh shit, I have a girlfriend. So what does he do? Does he sneak around on her? No, he goes home and he sits her down. He says, listen, I met this girl named Tina, okay?

Tina's got a big ol' butt. I know that I said I'd be true. I'm really whiting this up. But Tina got a big ol' butt. So I'm leaving you. I mean, that's just fucking airtight. You can't fuck with that. He was 100 percent.

I don't even know if she could get mad. I think women so expect guys to be lying, weasel-y pieces of shit that if you actually hit them with that level of honesty, I think they would just be stunned. Just like the chick in the video. Like, I didn't think that that was bad acting. I think that they would absolutely be stunned. If you just came home and said, listen, I met this girl.

I know that I said I'd be faithful to you, but she's better looking than you. So I'm breaking up with you. What is the comeback? There's nothing. They'd be like if your girl came home and said, listen, I know we're together, but this guy, you know, I met him at the mall. His dick is twice the size of yours and he's got a better car.

So it's kind of a no-brainer. I'm out of here. What are you going to do? What are you going to do with your little dick and your fucking Domino's pizza? It's over. You just got to fucking be like, you know, you only go around once. So, uh, yeah, I, I, I, I get it. So anyway, so if you don't have time to email Al Madrigal,

which you should, which you should just listen to LL Cool J big old butt. You got to see his face because so I'm leaving you. It's, it's, I don't can't explain it. It's way meaner than it has to be. That's what it makes it funny because there's a way to read that. Well, you kind of let them down easily, you know, but he didn't. He just did it like, yeah, this is how it works. So there you go.

Look at that on a holiday. As you're shaking off your fucking keystone lights that you drank for the troops, you know, your fucking bong hits for the men and women in the Marine Corps that you took, right? Flag day is coming up everybody. Well, we respect and honor all the flags of the world. Come on down and get your bushlight for fucking $12 a fucking case. What the fuck would have, what would the world be like if there was no way to get fucked up? Get high, couldn't get drunk.

Jesus, how long would marriages last then? They'd probably be even shorter. Would they just be rage? Just sitting around fucking stone sober eating strawberry shortcake. It'd be horrific. Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. It is the end of May, everybody. All right.

How many days are in May? 30 days has September. So does April and November. All the rest have a bunch of other dates except for February. Go fuck yourself with your song. So I got 30, 31. Ah fuck, what is it? April has 30.

June has 30. May's 31. Well, I got the little thing I can click right here. Oh, I have a computer. I don't need to think. All right. It has. Why is it in September?

Ah, for Christ's sake. Do I have to click another button? It has 31 days. All right. So you guys have until Thursday midnight to make something of May 2012. All right. Are you in a fucking relationship you don't want to be in? Do you want to be in this relationship you don't want to be in in June?

Why don't you celebrate the end of May by getting out of your fucking relationship and sitting down and basically just go with the LL Cool JVod, hold her hand and just go straight honesty. And then what's she going to do? What's he going to do? They're going to flip the fuck out, but the die has been cast. The ship is set sail. The ball is already rolling.

The sun is setting. The rain is falling. Whatever the fuck you want to call it. It's out there. Just put it out there. Let them scream and yell and in your head as much as it sucks, you're going to be like, okay, I did it. I did it.

Now I just got to sit there and get yelled at. And how long could somebody really yell before they lose their voice? An hour, 90 minutes and an hour and a half. I'm going to be in the car listening to LL Cool J driving away from that thing I didn't want to be in. All right. I don't know about this shit a lot, but I think a lot of people are in situations like this.

They don't know how to sit somebody down. It just says, so I'm leaving you. You know, if I was LL Cool J and I stopped selling tickets and all that type of shit, that would be a side business that I would have. I would take that little fucking rhyme that he had and I would custom do it for everybody in their life. And then people could just write you, all right? And you charge him 100 bucks and he would write you a, you know, four bars, it all rhymes

and you just get out exactly what you're saying, you know? Just be like, you eat with your mouth open. I know I said that I'd be true. You eat with your mouth open. So I'm leaving you. You just get right, you just get right down to it. Your mom is a fucking cunt. I know I said that I'd be true, but she's fucking always coming over here and something

rhymes with cunt. You know, you got the idea. All right, Jesus Christ. What do I have to be LL? Hang on a second. What the fuck just happened? Did I knock this out? All right, 10 minutes in.

Look at that. That was an easy 10. That was a fucking easy 10. I actually, uh, I actually bought a, uh, I bought a new grill. I didn't get a grill. You know what I bought? I bought that fucking egg thing, the big ceramics was like a giant fucking avocado. You know what sucks is I can't even talk about the shit that I bought because I feel like

now it feels like it's a commercial on this thing. They're not paying me to advertise. So what? So what I feel now you can't talk about them and see what happens. It's a catch 22 speaking of looking like a giant avocado. How about those Boston Celtics? What up, Philly? I would just think, did you really think that that was going to happen again?

That you were going to go into Boston for a game seven on the fucking parquet? And that, uh, and that that, that wasn't going to happen. I almost went parquet butter at that point. If I ever made that joke, you guys should have just fucking just what he would unsubscribe unsubscribe. Is that how you say it? Um, Celtics beat Philly. I actually watched, uh, most of the game and then I had to go do my gig over it flappers.

Um, so I had to listen to the rest on, uh, on the radio as I went over there. I got to tell you something, you know, I'm not expecting the Celtics to win the championship. I know we're old, you know, but, uh, the officiating in the fucking NBA. I don't think in any other sport, I swear to God, do the refs just dictate the fucking pace and all that. And I know that I've had a fucking tampon in my ass about this for a long time, but it's ridiculous. Paul, let me ask you a question.

Put in the ever, in any game ever, forget about a game seven of an NBA playoff to go to the conference finals. Let's just say a regular season game in the middle of fucking December. Does Kobe Bryant ever get called for a, does he ever foul out on a fucking charge? Is that call ever going to be made against that guy? I'm going to go with never, right? Paul Pierce got five fouls, Tiki tack foul. They, they foul the guy out on a fucking charge.

It's un fucking believable. And just three days before I watched hope, Kobe, I watched Kobe fucking hack a guy across both forearms, but that would have been his third foul in the second quarter. And they would have had to sit the guy and what do they do? They have a meeting, the ref seven meeting, and they give it to some bum standing next to him. And it's, you tell me the difference between the NBA officiating and the officiating and fucking wrestling.

Okay. If you can do that, Jesus Christ, sorry, did I just lose you guys on that one? Why don't you set the fucking recorder where it's supposed to be there right down on the floor? Let's just bring everything down here. There we go. Bill, seriously, if you can do that, I will fucking, I will go to your town and I will do karaoke and I'll sing whatever song you want me to sing.

I'll do that LL Cool J song and I'll white it up. I know that I said that I would be true. That's what, that's what kills me about the NBA. Okay. I fucking have really been watching it because of the hangover and the devastation of seeing the Bruins get knocked out and I got into it again. And it's just like basketball is a fucking phenomenal game. It's a pure game, you know, fucking ball in a hoop.

Loving it. If those fucking striped cunts would just get out of the way and stop taking out their fucking frustration that there's some 23 year old kid who's getting more pussy and it's worth millions of more dollars than you and your fucking footlocker outfit. So now you got to go around and just fucking dictate, I have power. I'm going to do what I want to do. I don't know if it's that shit or if it's fucking David Stern in their rear with the Bluetooth, whatever, whatever.

So hey, New Jersey zone, Paul Versey, he's been talking a lot of trash, you know, talking about Oklahoma city, you know, that's who he's, that's who he's picking. And I actually picked the spurs, you know, cause my whole theory that the spurs play, they play basketball the way your dad fights, you know, and I think that that was evident in last night's game. You know, Oklahoma came out all fucking, you know, all young, full of piss and vinegar running up and down the court and what are they doing? They just sort of jogged after them.

All right, keep running. Keep running. It's like that movie colors, that, that, that street joke with a pop of bull in the, in the, in his son, the son bull, father and son bull standing on the hill and they're looking down at a bunch of cows and the son goes, Hey, let's run down the hill and go fuck one of those cows. And the dad goes, no, let's walk down and fuck them all. All right.

That's the spurs. Let's walk down, pick and roll and fuck them all. That's what they're going to do all the way to another NBA championship. And they're still not going to get respect because they play in a city that nobody cares about. Okay. Mexicans don't even care about San Antonio. They don't.

All right. That's just a little stop off that they have when they cross the border before they go to like fucking, I don't know, El Paso. All right. It was a bad, that was a bad example. El Paso. That, uh, where do illegal immigrants usually end up Denver, come right up through Albuquerque, through Santa Fe, you know, run past Columbine and they go right to Denver, don't they?

What is that? Is that the 35 North or is that now the 35 goes to Austin. That's how much fucking road drive, road drive and road traveling I've done goes to 10 is the eight, then there's the 10, then there's a 40, and there's the 70, then there's the 80, then there's the 90. That's going East West. Those are evens. Odds go North South.

Ah, fuck, I can't fucking remember anymore. That gives a shit. Anyways, so what do you guys think? Can the Celtics limp through another round? Can they beat? I like how they act like because Chris Bosch is out of it, like they don't still have LeBron James and that guy with the little mouth, what's, Dwayne Wade, what is with his fish lips?

I don't understand. He looks like a fucking tuna that can dunk. All right. What the fuck am I right? Oh, I know. I got to do some advertising. Sorry, people. I'm doing like, you know, one of these days, I'm actually going to get, I'm not even going

to lie to you. I was going to say, you know, one of these days, I'm going to get this thing into a studio and you know, there's going to be the guy, the fucking Baba Bui guy who comes in or the fucking this guy. It's just, it's not happening. All right. It isn't. This is what it is.

All right. It's just like ACDC's first album. Okay. Do you think that they were going to do something else? No. This is what we're doing. Three chords, kick you in the cunt and a guitar solo. And that's it.

Go fuck yourself with done until the next one comes out. That's what I'm doing with this. All right. I don't have time. Yes, I do. I have time. All right. I'm lazy.

All right. Well, fuck you. You put shit off in your life. Don't you? All right. Here's one for you. Man great, everybody. And I just received my first man great.

They just sent me a free one. This father's day, there's only one perfect gift. You guys all grilled this weekend on your little Hibachi's with those anorexic little greats that you have and all the grease drips down and lights your egg McMuffin on fire. Isn't that annoying? You know, because that's one of the things that you really, you get judged as a guy. You know what I mean? What your woman looks like, what kind of car you drive, and then your skills on the grill.

Okay. That's how you judge. And I'm sure that this will be made fun of someday on a show like the office. They will somehow try and just they'll show a guy who's good on the grill, right? And then somehow they'll say, but, you know, underneath he has an underlying insecurity, right? Because no one could just be the fucking man anymore. The man great, everybody.

This is the deal. It's a grill enhancement system. You don't have to go buy a new grill. Do you already have a grill? Are you nodding your head? Yes. All right. Wouldn't you like to fucking put a supercharger on it?

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Um, all right, let's get back to the podcast. Where the hell is it? All right. Let's get back to this stuff here. Um, you know, lately I've been asking, I've been asking some of the ladies to write in and, uh, finally, I haven't even read this yet, but this already seems like gold. This is, this is the, the, and the subject line of this email. Uh, it says, I think the guy I'm dating is a pussy.

Hello bill. I am a 21 year old student. I began listening to your podcast recently and I heard you complaining about how women have not written in on a while and being a woman myself decided to do so and ask you for advice. Well, God bless you. Uh, I live at home with my mom and go to college. I recently found a very nice guy, uh, they were at college and was really into him, but

then I started suspecting something strange. I started suspecting that maybe he was a pussy. At first I thought it was pretty harmless, but then one night we had a house party and everyone was pretty drunk and a friend of mine who I haven't seen in a while was there and when everyone was way, way, way past drunk, she tried to get into a fight with me and eventually pushed me down the wall, then stole my iPhone and he was there and did nothing. Jesus Christ. I was so scared that I called my ex to come get me and he did.

Wow. Uh, you think you're dating a pussy? I mean that right there. Gee, and he just stood there and let this other guy who used to hook up with you come in riding in on his white horse. Anyways, my ex was more of a man than the guy I was dating. Now even though the guy I'm dating was drunk, I felt like he should have protected me or done something, anything.

He did nothing. And later he even confessed to me that he was scared of my drunk friend and even scared of me. What the fuck, right? Even though he says this will never happen again, I have enough knowledge to know that people do, do not usually change like that. You know, that's really wise, that you're really wise for your age at 21, if you, if you're already not buying into the, I'm going to change, that's, uh, your, your wise beyond

your years, you know, they say that you're basically your psychological makeup is done by the time you're three. So if you see some little toddler standing there while somebody's taking his blocks, that kid's going to be a pussy anyway. So should I be upset or give him another chance? Is this a deal breaker? Is there no way to change a guy from a pussy to a real man? Should I just break things off with him?

And if so, should I remain friends with him? Thanks Bill. I hope you read this. I love you and Nia. Oh, that's nice. All right. This is the deal. You asking a question.

Is there no way to change a guy from a pussy to a real man? No, I don't think, I think that that happens. I think it happens way more in movies where somebody has a life changing moment. And then they just decide, I'm not going to take shit anymore. But even then that just begins the journey of not being a pussy. You don't just say, I'm not going to be a pussy and then bam, you're not a pussy anymore. You have to, you got to work your way up. It's like if you were a hundred pounds overweight and you're like this, I'm done.

I'm not eating fucking ice cream anymore. The next day you don't have a six pack, you know, takes a fucking year or something. You really got to turn it around. So I don't know, what are you looking for in a guy? I mean, I think the fact that you're writing me and you're saying, I think the guy I'm dating is a pussy. I mean, that, that actually hurts me on some level. Just because I insert myself into this story and the person I'm dating would be calling

me a pussy or I could be the X, I guess, I don't know. This isn't about me. This is about you. Come on, Bill. Stop being selfish. All right. Um, I think you've totally lost, lost respect for this guy. And if you don't respect the person you're with, eventually you're going to blow somebody

else. You know, if you don't break up with this guy, that's what I'm predicting. If you don't break up with this guy, you're just going to cheat on him just to facilitate getting out of the relationship because, uh, you know, to get to that LL cool J moment, we can just be fucking honest, but I don't think you like that. I was something about you knowing that people don't change at your age. And the fact that you like, you know, this guy's a pussy. He's not sticking up for me.

And the fact that he didn't stick up for you and then you took charge and say, well, I'm going to fucking call somebody who will. I mean, technically you should have fucked your ex-boyfriend that night and he shouldn't have been mad. He should have been like, and he probably wouldn't have been because he's a pussy. I understand. I mean, you know, when you needed a big swing and dick, I mean, God knows it wasn't me. So, uh, yeah, um, I think if you don't break up with this guy, you're actually fighting

nature. All right. And you guys are wired to, to, I know you guys aren't wired to just have kids with pussies. You know what I mean? You want a strong son, right? You know what, you know what that pussy DNA in your kid, right? Oh, that's going to kill you.

Imagine that you have a kid with this guy and you want this kid to be like, uh, like your ex-boyfriend and it comes out and it's like this fucking little wormy worm guy. Ah, it'll be awful walking down the aisle to marry this guy with that sheepish, I don't deserve you. Like, you know what, dad, you want this guy to be the man standing down there and a white tuxedo like fucking Roger Moore and James Bond. I think, I think, uh, look, I don't know if this just happened and you're really upset. So, uh, you know, and like in three days, you're not going to care and you're going

to go back to having a picnic with this guy. Because for all I know, your ex who came coming back, maybe you broke up with him because he cheated on you. Maybe he was too much of a guy, if you know what I mean. So then you said, well, all right, I'm going to, maybe I'm this next time I'm dating a nice guy. So now you dated a nice guy. The thing about is sometimes you date a nice guy.

They can be so nice that they're pussies. All right. And look, I'm not, I'm not sitting here acting like, you know, if I'm out with my girl and some fucking 200 pound, 300 pound jacked fucking 25 year old comes up and starts doing shit that I'm going to start swinging because I'm not, I'm not, I'm not getting my fucking head kicked in just for the fuck of it. No. You know what I mean?

I'm not just, you know, straight across the board as a guy, you have to fucking go and get your goddamn head kicked in, but this was a fucking woman. This was a lady. I mean, Jesus, it's, it is a weird situation in defense of him where how do you get the fucking iPhone back? You start wrestling with her. Now you're kind of fucking throwing a girl around. So you're looking at that possible assault charge because God knows that's how the world

worked, works right now. Your honor, I was trying to steal a phone and he, that this guy assaulted me and you're going to be sending the gun. She was stealing a phone and they're not going to be able to get past. You're a guy and she's a girl, but, um, you know, he should have just, he should have just held her by the back of her pants so she couldn't leave and just stayed out of reach of her swinging. That's what you do if you're in that situation as a guy, you just reach down, you grab by

the back of the pants and you just start running in a circle until cops get there. So they can't swing at you. They're running backwards. I mean, I don't know what you, you got to fucking do something and he didn't do anything. That's the big thing. If you told, honestly, if you told me that this was some giant guy who could kick the shit out of him, uh, I wouldn't say that the guy's a pussy. You know what I mean?

I mean, what is the point of going in and getting a concussion, getting your tooth driven up through your fucking nose? The guy's still going to leave with your phone. You know, that's that old, uh, Richard Pryor bit macho man, I'll take that knife and stick it up your ass. Macho man. It's like, no, you're going to get the shit kicked out of you. But this was a woman.

All right. So the fuck's sake, squint, you have goddamn rambling. Wrap it up. Um, I think you know what you want to do when you should do it. Um, you are dating a pussy. The fact that when he was sober, he said that he was scared of her and of you. Um, he seems like he's a little friclimbed and, uh, I just can't imagine. There's going to be a stereotype, but a guy like that actually put it on you in the bedroom.

I really don't. There's that you in the eye. Am I hurting you? Is everything okay? God, you're so beautiful. I mean, come on. All right. Flip her over.

Mush her face in the pillows. Um, oh, she says in PS, don't worry, uh, that cunt I used to call a friend who pushed me and took my phone is no longer in my life. Did you get your phone back? Well, what happened with you guys? Now wait a minute. What like, can I hear the follow up here? There's so many different ways that this could be going.

Was that like a girl? Like when you thought that maybe you were, uh, swinging another way and all of a sudden you broke up with her and, uh, probably not. It's just my own red shoe diary kind of fucking thing. So anyways, um, what are we 30 minutes in in the Monday morning podcast? Um, I got to, I got to give a little, uh, shout out here to a flappers comedy club in Burbank, California, the city that Johnny Carson made famous. Um, I had a fucking unbelievably great time this weekend.

I did four shows out there Friday, Saturday night. It's the perfect size club. They couldn't have been more friendly that all the shows were packed. I was working out my new hour and, um, it was great. I was working with, uh, Chelsea Paredi, Sacramento zone, Chelsea Paredi. She was hella funny as they say up there, um, yeah, she was fucking great. She sang some ridiculous line about Michael Bolton backstage, like just fucking around. And I said to her, you got to do that on stage.

You got to do that on stage, right? So most people go, I can't do it. I just, I just came up with it. I'm not good. Can't fucking do it. I just came up and she did it and closed with it. And it was just one of those, one of those weekends and just, I don't know, you'd have to be a comedian to understand how much that like gets you going to be like, all right,

I'm going to go up and go try some shit. If she's just going to go fucking sing some fucked up line about Michael Bolton, what I'm going to go up there and push the out of my jokes, but the new things that I want to try. So, um, I was psyched. I feel like I already got, I have a solid 25 minutes towards my new hour where I can actually, you know, run my mouth and not do anything on the special that's coming up. Cause that's basically the game.

You take the special, the second it's done, you then have from whenever you finish taping to when the new one comes out to somehow come up with an hour of shit that you can say to a crowd and they won't demand their money back. So I have until October and I figured, I feel like I'm already halfway there. You know, this time next week, I'm actually going to go out with a buddy of mine. Uh, you know, I never wrote a motorcycle in my life. He's going to teach me how to do it. I know what you guys are thinking, oh, motorcycle, oh, fucking just go buy the coffin with it.

I'm not a dirt bikes. I'm just going to ride a fucking dirt bike just cause I want to learn how to fucking ride one. You know what I mean? Just for that, uh, MacGyver moment, there's two, there's a couple of things I want to learn how to do. I want to fucking learn how to ride a motorcycle and maybe fly a helicopter just so I have my, you know, just in case if I'm ever in some Jason Bourne kind of situation, everything

about that shit was great about action fucking heroes is I don't give a fuck what vehicle it is. I don't care if it can fly, if it's on the water, if it's a fucking dump truck, if it's a goddamn tank, it's a, it's a fucking hovercraft. Those sons of bitches, not only did they have time to be trained in every form of martial arts, swords, weaponry, guns, anything. They know how all that works and they can drive every fucking vehicle known to man. You know, you got to do that.

You got to, as a guy, you got to make your or a woman, right? As a girl, remember that when he used to spell it G R R L because you guys weren't taking no more shit, baby. Um, you got to make that fucking your, your action hero list. You know, your Jason Bourne list. Have you ever seen an action movie where the fucking guy jumps into some vehicle or plane or anything is like, I just, uh, how does this work? Does anybody know how to drive a fucking helicopter, fly it or whatever?

I want to be able to do that shit, you know, what's his face? Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise has a pilot's license. He can ride a motorcycle, remember top gun when he was fucking riding with the, without his helmet on, right? He can ride him. Uh, he can drive a sports car. I want to have the helicopter though. That's probably the wild card.

Everybody's got that. It's like a great picture. He's got his, he's got his four pitches or whatever, but not everybody has the cut fastball. I think the helicopter is the cut fastball for a, uh, maybe it's a knuckleball for an action hero, whatever, whatever. I never learned how to ride a motorcycle because my parents would not allow it. They just wouldn't allow it. And, uh, you know, the fuck was I going to do?

I didn't have the money to buy one. I wanted to get one, which required them. I was like, can you buy me this? They're like, no, we could afford it. We wouldn't, and I was like, why not? They're like, cause you're going to fucking die. All right. And it's as annoying as you are as a child.

We don't want that to happen. So no, we're not, we're not getting you that. And then I remember I got old enough and I was going to buy this. The motorcycle came out. It was called the Honda rebel and it was only 1200 bucks. This was the eighties. And I still remember the commercial. It was something like, uh, look at my watch.

It was 951. So I called up my girl said, let's have some fun and we rolled riding on a rebel. Bebe, bebe, bebe, bebe, get this fucking bike, something like that. Right. And, um, I was going to buy it. And the girl I was seeing at the time said, if you buy that, you might as well buy the coffin to go with it. And I don't know, I talked to a couple of other people and people working

in emergency rooms, they, they call people who ride motorcycles. They just call them organ donors and, uh, and I was under the impression of, yeah, but what if you got really good at riding a bike, you know, people suck at riding bikes, maybe if you got really good at it. And I basically eventually, probably somebody told me, it's like, listen, stupid, it doesn't matter how good you are. If somebody sucks at driving a car, they're in a fucking car. You're in a motorcycle.

That's it, you know, there's no fender benders as they say on those things. So I was just like, all right, you know what, that's probably a good idea. Oh, fucking action heroes can also ride a horse. There's just nothing, there's nothing they can, they can't fucking do and climb up the side of a building. So what you got to do, you got to get a chin up bar and then you got to start knocking down all these modes of transportation. Cause that's, that's as big a part of fucking Armageddon as, you know,

growing your own food and having your own water supply. You have to be able to drive every mode of transportation. I care and fucking to you. If you go on YouTube, there's going to be a video. I've never looked this up, but how to drive a tank. I bet somewhere on the internet, somewhere on the internet, I bet that there's a video that will teach you how to do that shit. Um, so anyways, what the hell was I talking about?

I just totally lost my goddamn train of thought. Um, oh yeah. So I'm going to be, uh, oh, I know what I'm talking about. Coming up with this new hour material. So how I do it, this is how I do it is, um, obviously I throw out all my other shit and I only go back to the old hour if I have to. Um, and I just keep talking new shit. I take all rules of hack.

I throw them out the window. I will just, I will write down to a Michael Jackson impression. If I could do it, I would do it on stage. I wouldn't give a fucking, I just, just to be saying something new, they'll just get me thinking that way. And then in my personal life, I go out and I try and do some shit that I never did before because I know goddamn. Well, I'm going to make an ass of myself trying to ride that bike.

I'll stall it out. I'll do a face plan. I'll do something fucking stupid. Um, or whatever. I don't even even that fucking shit. I just said there about the fucking action heroes how they can drive something, something will come out of it. So that is my, uh, that is what I'm going to be working on coming up.

And I got a bunch of actually standup gigs. It starts to get crazy again in, um, in June, I'm going to be at the San Jose improv, uh, Chelsea Paredi is on that one. Also, I had to give her that one. It's so close to her hometown of Sacramento. All her peeps are going to come down be hella excited. Um, that's on June 15th and 16th. And then I'm doing the aunt and on the 17th, I'm at the Chicago theater.

Uh, that's a Vince Vaughn show, Vince Vaughn Wild West show. It's going to be me, obviously Vince Vaughn, Steve Byrne, I got to get you guys that lineup. That's going to be insane. And, uh, the Chicago theater is the shit. I actually got to work at one time previously when I was working with the great Jimmy Norton on his tour, uh, the anti-social tour was me, Norton, a tell and Brewer.

That was such an unbelievable show. And the Bruins won the Stanley cup that night. So, um, this is my triumphant return to the Chicago theater. That's going to be Sunday, June 17th. All right. So all you mustachioed, uh, stereotypical Chicago people bring fucking 6,000 of your closest friends down to that gig and Ontario improv, the inland empire, June 29th, 30th and July 1st.

And then the next gig I got after that is Hampton beach in New Hampshire on July 14th and Newport, Rhode Island. I'm doing the, uh, Newport yachting center, which sounds really, like I said, snooty, but it's a tent that they put up in the parking lot in Newport, Rhode Island, uh, July 15th. And that's actually one of my favorite gigs, um, cause I get to go back and see all kinds of friends and family and that's it. And by then I'm guaranteeing you by that July 15th, I'm going to

have my 45 fucking minutes down. That's my goal by July 15th to have a new 45 minutes and then I can coast through, you know, August and September, get that next 15. And then my special comes out, right? Hopefully everybody likes it. Then they come out to see me and he's like, Oh fuck, we saw him. He's got a whole new fucking hour. And that is how you do it.

Um, all right, dilemma bill, would you rather lose your driver's driver's license forever or spend the rest of your life as a vegan? Oh man, that is a great one. And I obviously can't cheat on the diet. Oh, what a hell of a dilemma. Drive around is a grumpy, skinny douche for the rest of my life. No, no, no, no, what? Yeah.

Wait, would you rather, I just got lost in that lose your driver's license forever or spend the rest of your license? Oh, I'd have to walk around as a meat eating jackass spend the rest of my life as a vegan. I'd, I'd have to be a vegan. I'd have to be a vegan. What am I going to be? I just sit around eating burgers, walking around the block asking people to

drive me places. I wonder if you could get used to that though. I lost my license for drinking a drive in a long time ago and that was back when you only lost it for 45 days on a first offense and they didn't count the first two weeks while I was waiting to get arraigned. Um, so it was probably more like 45. I probably lost it for, I don't think it was two weeks either. I lost it for like 50 something days.

And I remember towards the end of it, I almost, I forgot what it was like to drive. Just after that amount of time, you know, if I lost my driver's license forever, I would just live, I would live in New York city. That's what I would do. Now, you know, I'd be like one of those fucking people. You know, when you live in New York, Jesus Christ, New York city, man. I, you know what the smartest thing I've ever, I left New York city at 39. That was the smartest thing I ever did.

New York city is such a city for young people. You know, I know I've said this shit before, but like if you, this is the thing, I really feel that you got to live there at some point in your life. It's fucking awesome. You have to live there, but don't stay there too long. You stay there too long. There's just something happens. You become agoraphobic.

You know, you have some unhealthy relationship with the fucking animal. And I'm not saying bestiality, but like, you know, instead of having a kid, you have like a cat and all you do is sit around bitching that there's no fucking good restaurants in your neighborhood. And it's just, it just, you get all hunched over. You start looking like you have osteoporosis, even if you don't. This, that, that city is for young people and go there, have a good time. And then you got to get out.

Don't hang there too long because you end up, it's like Matthew McConaughey and days and confused. You're just hanging around and, uh, it's, it's not a good thing. Um, oh, and speaking of which, how about the New Jersey devils, the New Jersey devils and the LA Kings? Who do you like? Who do you like? And the Rangers lose the Rangers lose my condolences to all Rangers fans and my

condolences to the world's most famous arena slash food court. Once again, another year goes by no NBA title, no Stanley cup, but for some reason it's the world's most famous arena because of music, because of Frankie Sinatra, because of Led Zeppelin, because of Muhammad Ali, not because of the Rangers or the Knicks. Okay. And I know that's a bitter pill for you. New York sports fans to swallow.

And that's exactly why I'm handing it to you on a nice fucking pill. Swallow it because it's all you, um, Celtics, by the way, are still in it going for their 18th NBA world championship, all championships, one in the NBA in the national basketball association, as opposed to that other team out West that counts that BAA title. We won an NBA title before there was even an NBA, um, anyways, by the way, I got to get the rangers props though, the ranger fans. Everybody stole your let's go rangers.

Everybody stole that from you guys in 1994. You guys were the only guys doing it. It became fucking iconic. And now everybody does it. You know, let's go Bruins. No one ever did that. It was here we go. Here we go.

That's what the fuck it was. Now you have people go, let's go Bruins and it bugs me. Um, I actually looked up the history of, uh, the beat LA Chan. And, uh, cause some jackass was trying to be like, Oh, this is fucking, uh, the San Francisco giant fans used to say that to the Dodgers back in the six, I'll go fuck yourself. No, they didn't. All right.

According to my fucking internet research, uh, the history of the beat LA chant was actually when the 76ers beat the Celtics in game seven in 1982. And they were going, and we hated the fucking Lakers. That's how much we hated the Lakers. The sell the 76ers beat us in our own goddamn building. We knew it was over and the fans chanted beat LA. Actually, they chanted it to the 76ers. All right.

That's how much we fucking hated LA. You know, we weren't going fuck you, 76ers, yada, yada, yada, all that bullshit. We were just like, all right, you beat us. You know, as much as we fucking hate that, we hate the Lakers more. And then the beat LA chant was born. All right. And if that isn't a fucking phenomenal story, I don't know what is, and I got to tell you something, I hated the 76ers back then, but when I look back and I

remember those teams, I fuck, I love them now. Maurice cheeks, Andrew Tony, Bobby Jones, Dr. J. Oh, and then when they brought in Moses Malone, it was just phenomenal. And I love their uniforms back then. I don't know why they just don't go back to those. I don't know why every fucking uniform has to be so goddamn discoed up. I just don't get it. They were just simple back then.

I don't know. Although I got to say, I like the new Atlanta Hawks uniforms. I like those better though. The ones they had back in the day during Dominique's, they were, uh, they were definitely, uh, I don't know what the fuck was going on with that. Um, all right, please beat the dead horse. Bill, you've received this email a million times. All right.

Can you please beat the dead horse and make, make it clear one more time. That she should not be wasting any more time with him anymore. Sincerely pronouns. What? I don't even get that. I know you're trashing me. Can you please beat the dead horse and make it clear one more time that she should not be wasting any more time with him anymore.

I don't know what the fuck that is. You got me, you got me, sir, or ma'am, or whatever you beat me. I don't even know what that means. Uh, weird signals from a sort of a creepy friend. Hey, Bill, uh, I'm a girl that has a lot of guy friends. I'd say about 70% of my friends are guys. Uh, half are gay, half aren't, you know what? I can't fucking stand.

I hate women who have gay friends and they refer to them. Oh, that's my gay. He's my gay. I fucking, uh, those women are the fucking worst. And then there's stupid gay friend comes around cockblocking you, you know, with his sassy fucking bullshit coming in and out. That's when he just like, why don't the two of you go fucking finger blast each other?

No, it's really, it's really fucking annoying. It's really annoying. It's, and then I always feel like the gay guy is gay in it up. He's acting, he's just like acting extra gay. Uh, like sitcom gay, not like real life gay. And it's the whole fucking thing is just annoying. So anyways, he, she goes, uh, and lately I've been noticing a lot of my male friends have started staring at me.

It's a little weird because I've known them for a while and no one ever looked at me twice, but over the last two months, I keep catching them looking. Particularly my friend so-and-so. All right. Well, what's going on with you? Did you hit the gym? Were you late developing? Are you dressing differently?

Um, uh, so-and-so is my age and sort. And sort of kind of has a girlfriend, but not really. Oh, Jesus. Are you that kind of girl? Nia went off on back in the day. Girl has all guy friends. Uh, anyways, she just turned 15. Oh, wait a minute.

Are you underage? I don't want to read this. She just turned 15 and he's determined to wait around for two years until she's legal in the eyes of the state we live in to officially date and get with her since all they've done is kiss creepy. I think yes. Uh, I would say definitely yes. If you're sitting there floating around, just going, let me tell you something,

man, the second my law allows me to take my dick out. I'm going to do it. That's fucking creepy. Anyways, now, even though he's allegedly in love with this child, he gets super flirty with me when we hang out, even going so far as to cop feels, make jokes about us hooking up and give me long hugs. Yeah, stay away from this guy. This guy's a creep.

She goes, I'm friends with this dude, but this whole situation weirds me out as it should. I'm not sure if he really wants to stay with his girlfriend or try to get or try his hand at dating someone age appropriate, but there's a fucking ton of mixed signals going on here and any outside insight would be awesome. Thanks in advance. Um, I think you got to go with he got on this one. I think the reason why you're getting creeped out is because this guy's creepy.

That's fucking creepy. That's fucking creepy. All right. A 22 year old guy with a 15. That's Chris Hansen. Can you, can you kiss a girl who's 15 at 22? What are you doing? You're in the prime of your life.

There's plenty of fucking, uh, you're 22 years old. That's it. You're a fucking rock star. There's a zillion women that you can get with. Yeah. This guy is a creep. He's beyond a fucking creep. I remember when I was 22, an 18 year old girl felt like a child at that point.

It was just weird. Like that, that's a huge jump. They're still living at home. You know, you're of legal drinking age. You're going to titty bars. You're getting arrested for fucking drinking and driving. You flunked out of college. I mean, you're eons away from where they, they were at 18.

That's how I felt. Um, I remember as, as a senior in college, like freshmen seem like, like children. That's fucking weird. Yeah, I would stay away from that guy and, um, and as far as guys looking at you, it sounds like you're, uh, you've, you're turning into a swan there, cutie pie. So why don't you go get a guy you deserve? Stay away from, uh, the future sex offender, you know, because you're just going to have to testify in his trial because you're friends that he's actually,

uh, a good guy rather than a bad guy that is beyond fucked up a 22 year old guy making out with a 15 year old girl to be on fucked up. That's beyond fucked up. All right. Yeah, that's like, to the point, I wish I didn't even read it. They're like ruins, takes all the fucking comedy out of this shit. All right. 53 minutes in.

What do we got to do here? Uh, hey, how about some advertising? That's a nice set up on a little Chris Hansen story. And now let me tell you some stuff you got to buy. Um, all right, what do we got here? Stamps.com. Everybody, you know what? I've been talking about it forever.

I've been using it now for like, what? Since like February shipping all of my DVDs in my BVDs in my own apartment. Um, then serious, man, I got it. I got the scale. I still haven't bought my little, uh, I'm a postman hat yet, you know, a little visor, like, is he going to ship a package or when the US open? Nobody knows. Um, look, there's a few things that are a bigger waste of time.

They go into the post office when something like stamps.com exists. All right. You can basically bring the post office into your house. You can print legal stamps. All right. Right off their website, right out of your printer, right onto your envelope, or onto a box. You got a little scale.

If you need like, uh, whatever you call that one, the postage, I guess you can, you can do the whole thing. You can do everything that you can do at the post office, except waste time in your life. All right. Stamps.com will not only save you time, you can buy and print out. Like I just said, the official US postage on your computer printer. You can print exact postage on any other pocket package right from your desk.

Um, stamps.com will also save you money. It's a fraction of the cost of a postage meter. Plus you get discounts. You can't even find it at the post office. Um, right now, if you use my last name Burr, B, U, R, R for this special offer, you get a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to 55, uh, free dollars and postage. All right.

Don't wait. Go to stamps.com now before you do anything else, click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B, U, R, R that stamps.com and enter Burr, B, U, R, R. And, um, also I have other exciting news. If that wasn't exciting enough that you can bring this, the post office into your apartment, wouldn't it be great if you could bring the titty bar into your apartment?

Are you sick of going there and paying those high ATM fees for a woman who's not going to bang you? Wouldn't it be nice if somebody came and shook their titties right in your own apartment at titties.com? Um, I was telling you guys how, uh, if you go to Amazon.com through my website, on the podcast page, you just click on it. And if you're going to buy something, you just buy it that way. You don't have to do anything else.

Once you get to Amazon.com that, uh, they kick me back some money and 10% of the proceeds go to the wounded warriors. Well, I got my first check from Amazon.com. So I, I can't do it today because they don't do the, they don't pick up the mail tomorrow. I get to write a nice check, um, courtesy of you guys for taking the time to go through bill burr.com, go to the podcast page and click it on the Amazon banner. And I want to thank all you guys for doing that because, uh, you know,

this is really perfect for Memorial Day weekend to be bringing this up. That we get to actually, uh, you know, help out the wounded warriors project through, uh, buy in flobis on Amazon.com. So I actually use it. I'm rebuilding this caberator and I'll just go on my own damn podcast, click on that, you know, rebuilding the Holly 41 60 dude. And, um, I know that that sounds impressive. It definitely has that man great vibe to it, doesn't it?

But I got to tell you, it's not that difficult taking it apart and then putting it back together. It really isn't that difficult. Uh, what is difficult though is, uh, I haven't got to the part where you got to use a little measure and make sure the float is at the right level and then adjusting the carburetors. But I got to be honest with you. I don't think that that is going to get is going to be that hard either.

Once you've taken something apart, you know what I mean? I don't, and then put it back together. It's not as scary anymore, which is why surgeons are so goddamn arrogant. You know, when they cut you open and move around your frigging ovaries or your goddamn liver and then sew you back up and you don't die. I mean, do you really think that they think they're buying the next round? I think, you know, as arrogant as professional athletes are, I think that like surgeons should be twice as fucking arrogant really to just split the

D and dunk from the foul line. I cut open a guy's skull, fucking played patty cake with his brain, put it back together and he can still talk. All right, go fuck yourself, Kobe. Um, and then he steps on you. All right, let's get back to the podcast here. What the hell is it? What's the rest of the stuff here?

Uh, oh my God, here's one for you guys. My boyfriend wants to have his foreskin restored. By the way, how fresh and new are these, uh, these emails here? Just because it's coming from the female perspective, I love this shit. All right. That's saying I want guys to email in, but I would like to have a nice balance here. I already say enough shit trash and women, so it helps if women come in trash and guys because, uh, you know, it'll be a nice balance here.

All right, my boyfriend wants to have his foreskin restored. Dear Bill, I wanted to get your take on a situation, um, in with my current boyfriend, uh, I'm a girl. All right. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend of two years told me that he's become totally upset. That he circumcised and wants to restore his foreskin via taping and stretching methods. What? And basically why he wants to do this is because everybody, they say that, um,

intercourse you, you lose like, I don't know, some percentage of sensitivity, um, when you have your foreskin removed and, um, all I can say is no guy can tell the difference, whether he has a foreskin or whether he doesn't, because unless you got laid, when you were fucking six weeks old, you don't know what you're gaining or what you're missing. So I don't understand why you would do this. So by restore his foreskin via taping and stretching methods, she goes, I know, I know, it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it.

I wanted to tell him, I think he's out of his mind, uh, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. The thing is I'm totally grossed out by the idea of foreskin. Penises are gross enough already. There's no need to make it even grosser. Uh, you know what? Am I the only guy that totally agrees with that? Is there anything more fucking disgusting than a fucking flaccid foreskin

covered dick? I don't even know what it looks like. It looks like a, like a fucking, I don't know what it looks like. I, it's just, just fucking disgusting. I don't even have like a reference. Looks like an elephant dick. Again, I don't even know what that's just gross. It's fucking disgusting.

Um, she goes, obviously I can't tell him how I feel. He's clearly having a really hard time with this. He tells me that he feels violated and disfigured. This guy's a pussy distro just throw this guy into the fucking pussy bin and get on with your life. He also claims that foreskins has a lot of advantage for both partners, but it's hard for me to totally buy that considering the fact I have slept with a couple uncircumcised guy and I didn't notice any extra pleasure.

Although I did use a condom with both guys. Yeah. He's full of shit. He's full of shit. It may be more pleasure for him. I don't know what I mean. I think it's amazing that women will put a dick in their mouths. You know, the least you can do is try and tidy up down there.

You know, how about have a little fucking empathy. I mean, that's just disgusting. It's just fucking extra skin. Yeah. Nothing more sexier than extra skin. Yeah. Yeah. It's like your dick used to be obese and then lost a ton of weight, but

didn't have enough money to have that surgery to get rid of the extra. Ah, that's gross. There's another two paragraphs people just, just preparing you for another two paragraphs of having an uncircumcised stretch taped dick in your head. Anyway, I think it's absolutely disgusting and totally weird that he wants to do this and I'm starting to get really turned off by the idea of sleeping with him while he's stretching out his foreskin. He told me he's going to tape it to an elastic strap, which he's going to tie

around his leg. I know what the fuck. Is he just coming up with this shit on his own? I told him that he should see a doctor before he starts to do this, but he doesn't want, but he doesn't think that doctors know much about this sort of thing. Oh, so he's just going to take it in his own hands. Congratulations, sweetheart. You're dating a fucking moron.

That, come on. This is the father of your children. Coming up with, you know, taking an erector set to his fucking dick. Do I have to finish reading this? I'm thinking of breaking it off with them. Really? Of course you are. I thought he was a normal guy, but I had no idea he had all this freaky shit going

on underneath the surface. Anyways, what do you think about all of this? You got to go LL Cool J. He's got to do what he did. You're stretching out your fucking dick. I know I said I'd be true. You're stretching out your fucking dick. So I'm leaving you.

Go fuck yourself. It's over. Yeah, fucking gross. Anyway, what do you think of all this? Am I just fine dumping him away or would that make me an insensitive cunt? No, it would make you a strong person. All right. You go with your gut on this one.

This guy is trying to, to do the impossible. Like, uh, like he said, fucking scientist in that Michael J. Fox movie, back to the future. He's basically, you know, doing the DeLorean bullshit with his dick. And he doesn't want to go see a doctor. Any doctor would tell him you can't do that. You know, it'd be funny. That was if you dumped this guy, right?

And it actually works. And then he starts screaming like Billy Mays on TV with his, his dick stretcher. Then he sells it for 1995. It makes a zillion dollars. I'm just playing devil's advocate here. You know, there's a 99% chance you're doing the right thing, but there is a 1% chance you could be walking away from, uh, a potential millionaire. Cause I gotta be honest with you.

If, if that guy actually pulls this off, no pun intended, he pulls this off and he's able to do it with some household material and then he, you know, people, they already make millions of dollars with those, those pills that say they're going to make your dick bigger, which we all know it doesn't work because if it fucking worked, that would be an international story. And, um, and then it still wouldn't work because then what would happen was everybody would take big dick pills, even guys with big dicks because they don't want everybody else catching up with them.

So then having a little dick would then be like having a six inch dick as opposed to a three inch, four inch dick, right? Is the math work out on that or get bumped up? You've got a six, seven inch dick. You just, you just regular. No, you're not actually not regularly, you'd have a little dick. So if this guy actually fucking is able to pull this, that doesn't even make sense. He's going, he, if he thought he was disfigured now, wait till he tries to

fucking do this. I mean, his dick is going to look like, you know, when those people put that shit in their ear lobes, they put those fucking, um, those circular, circular things. You could shoot a goddamn fucking bow and arrow through somebody's ear lobe and not draw any blood. He's going to do that to his dick, except he's not going to have that thing in there and it's just going to be hanging. All right, Bill, we got it.

It's disgusting. All right. Overrated, underrated, underrated a steakhouse dinner with your bullies. There's nothing better than stuffing your fat face with your friends devouring filet mignon prime rib and porter house and leaving nothing on your plate at the end. Recently, my two buddies and I went to Morton steakhouse and we each spent 115 bucks despite having a hundred dollar gift card. We each got our own steak, side shrimp cocktails to start and drinks to keep us

twisted. We ate like royal royalty, despite being low level pieces of shit. He could not even, we could not have been that gluttonous with the ladies. Why not? No offense to any wives or girlfriends, but nothing beats pinging out on quality food and not giving a shit about how you look in the process. You and your girl just can't do that sort of steakhouse thing, but you can do it with your boys apps of fucking Lutely.

You know what, dude? You sound like a chick. You're not going to pick out in front of your girl. You know what? Come see me in San Jose when fucking Paredi opens up for me. She actually talks about eating a lot of women don't want to fucking throw down. All right, but I know what you mean. I thought just to hang out with guys,

it just makes you feel like you're running your own corporation when you have a steak dinner with you, with, with just hanging out with the guys, right? You're smoking a cigar, you're drinking a scotch and everybody feels like they're fucking, you know, HD buttercup. Um, overrated fake tits that too stiff. The, uh, they look silly to me and uncomfortable for her. I don't know why women keep doing this. It isn't better. Thank you. That's one of the truest things ever. You know,

they're fucking, they're, they're horrific and they don't feel good. And I think natural titties look better always, regardless of the size. It's just, it's just not that big a deal. It really isn't that you would do that, that you would take a bag of chemicals and have it inserted into your body. It's just fucking insane. I think, uh, it was a bad idea and I think it's over fake titties. It's like bell bottoms. It's over. All right. Just let it go.

It was a bad idea. Uh, underrated the natural boob, both jiggly and eco friendly. Absolutely. Um, all right, that's the podcast for this week. I think I had everything I had to talk about, except, uh, I guess game fly.com. I didn't bring that up all you video gamers out there. You guys seen the new grand theft auto that's coming out? Well, why don't you go to fucking game fly.com? Why am I cursing? Why don't you go to game fly.com? Huh? Why don't you?

Where the hell is it? Where the hell is man grade stamps.com? Advertising schedule. Here we go. Stay at a game fly.com. Everybody go to game fly.com slash burr and you'll immediately, you get a 15 day free trial to all my listeners. All right. You'll have access to 8,000 video games at your fingertips. They can be delivered to your door or straight to your PC. www.gamefly.com slash burr 15 days after 15 days of playing a 8,000 video games. If that's even possible, you can be like, yeah, you know what?

I don't want it. Go to hell. Why wouldn't you do that? Huh? You know why? Because you're self sabotage and you have to stop. And it begins today with game fly.com slash burr. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Um, congratulations to everybody's team who won in the playoffs and, uh, my condolences even to the Rangers, man. I just break you guys balls. Okay. Um, that's it. That's the podcast. Let's go Celtics. Fuck the Miami heat.

And, uh, it's going to crush me to see the spurs win the championship again this year. Because I always felt Tim Duncan should have been a Celtic. He was, he's the perfect Celtic fundamentally sound, not flashy. The anti showtime Laker, it's what made the Celtics Lakers rivalry so great. They were both awesome teams who did it two different ways. And we were always the, uh, we're going to bore you to death and still score 108 points. That's how we always were. And, uh, just, I forget what there was some bullshit

that happened that year in the lottery. We had like two lottery balls and we still didn't fucking get them. I don't know who the fuck we went and wound up with like Joe Barry Carroll or some bullshit. So it kills me. And, uh, you know what, it's, I, you know what, I think, do you think maybe San Antonio will finally get some fucking respect if they win it again? Would this be Tim Duncan's fourth or fifth title? I can't remember. He won in 99. Then they won in like 04. Then they won like,

they won like every other year for a couple of years. I have no, I gotta look that up. I got no idea. And I should know that shit. He was one at least three. Oh, Bill, shut the fuck up. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.