Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-3-18

Episode Date: May 3, 2018

Bill rambles about the Hollywood sign, shitty news outlets and playoffs.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before

Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm checking in on you just checking in on you. How are you? Oh fucking Ebola Billy is back and he's feeling better than ever. No more cough and fits. No more night sweats no more sleeping under a mosquito net with my fucking malaria. I don't think malaria is a funny reference considering each year 42% of women on the planet suffer from this while the men are giving endless supplies of Nyquil. Oh here's something I started to talk about the other day on one of my podcasts one of

my many rambling non-sensical whatever the fuck you say podcast out here in Los Angeles Hollywood specifically there's a group of people that want to get the Hollywood sign taken down because they live near the Hollywood sign and there's too many fucking tourists. That has got to be one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard in my life like the whole city has to suffer you know when you take down this iconic sign because you were dumb enough to buy a house next to a tourist attraction you fucking moron. Why don't you just buy a house across from the fucking magic castle whatever the fuck they call it down there at Disneyland and then get upset you know we need to shut down

Disneyland there's too many people walking around with like Mickey Mouse ears on it's almost like I bought a house right across from fucking Disneyland I could see if it was a new like since you bought the house that you know all of a sudden they put this new fucking thing up and you're like whoa whoa hey hey wait a minute this was a quiet neighborhood when I bought the house that's why I bought the house and all of a sudden there's all these fucking people people that that that fucking sign it's like 80 something years old right the fucking sign is probably as old as your house I don't know what the problem is let me look this up here Hollywood sign history they used to be called Hollywood

land back of the day yeah it was Hollywood land I mean I think to actually think that the Native Americans put it up if I'm not it might probably say something else like Hayawatha or some Native American shit is that actually Native American shit or is that some white Hollywood shit the history of the Hollywood sign a sign born in 1923 that fucking thing has been around and then some asshole with a house that was built in fucking 1978 that they just bought in 2016 wants the fucking thing taken down alright nobody gives a shit about the history of the sign all the way maybe people do alright signs almost a hundred years old it's fitting that the Hollywood sign the worldwide symbol of the entertainment

industry was conceived as an outdoor ad campaign for a suburban housing development called Hollywood land after all despite the high profile of the film biz real estate has always been Hollywood's primary economic driver although the signs what the fuck they know it hasn't you needed the entertainment industry so it could make stars so they could afford all these fucking houses who the fuck would move out here just to live into a in a fucking house with all of this traffic alright although the signs appearance of purpose has evolved over the years it's basic it's aspirational message remains the same this is the place where magic is possible where dreams can come true and these fucking people that live near the sign

want to take this down huh back then the dream was beautiful was a beautiful home and lifestyle today the signs promise is more subtle and can only be described as the parade of images desires and ideas conjured by the word Hollywood I think they're they're fucking looking into this a little bit too much no Hollywood you come out here because you want to fucking star in movies or write movies or direct them you know then it take advantage of your position of power act like an animal and then have the whole fucking thing come crumbling down I mean that's that's that's what's that's what's been going on since we've been out here take down Hollywood sign search sees the Hollywood sign okay Christina O'Brien has decided I guess nobody in LA should get to

look at that fucking awesome sign anymore alright there's a woman who wants to get rid of the Hollywood sign I can't blame the impulse it looks so good attacked by tornadoes and aliens what there's such a rash such a rush in the slow Creek and the quick crunch of the corrugated letters peeled from the scaffolding and fly off from mountain whoa the fuck wrote all this shit the worldwide fame of the sign is bolted to that image of just of its destruction right Christina O'Brien those suggest taking the sign down and moving it to Universal Studios on the other side of the hill erecting the context less H at some sort of tourist trap in the flats of Hollywood she lives in the signs original namesake Hollywood land the sign once

read Hollywood land does that mean her house is where land used to be this person are they really smart or the English a second language she lives in the signs original namesake does that mean she lives in Hollywood a small steep disorienting neighborhood where big houses hug the streets in front and hang off into nothing in the back Hollywood lands nests of streets rise out from the top of Beachwood Jesus this fucking verbose cunt all right the strangest thing about the Hollywood sign is that everyone let a huge real estate advertisement slowly rot on one of the city's most prominent peaks for 55 years from when it was planted on the hillside by Hollywood land realty company in 1923 until it was dug up and replaced in 1978 slowly accruing meaning

and sentiment over the same decades Los Angeles was earning its reputation as a place that was happy to demolish its own brief past dude is this the weirdest right person writing ever it's like it's just like counter-dix itself I can't even read this shit all right let's let me just go back here Hollywood sign hiking to the sign Hollywood sign Hollywood sign knocked down here's the best way Hollywood sign trail closure is long overdue I hang on a second here I'm sorry this is just all fucking interesting to me they got somebody with this selfie stick that's not a really that's not a good argument for the other side I just don't get people that fucking bought houses up there like what did you think

was going to fucking happen and like how much money do you fucking have and how much of a cunt are you just move it to the other side I actually think to be honest with you the fact that someone would want to take that side down is a clear example of the of the disappearing middle class they don't want these animals going up there these lower class people walking around they're fucking god damn walled off house all right why is it long overdue it was a great hike all right in a span of about 10 minutes so and so can hike from a paved road in the Hollywood Hills Beachwood Canyon neighborhood to take a breathtaking view of breath Griffith Park the city skyline and of course the Hollywood side when I have the free time I always like

to come here nobody gives a shit but after this weekend she will lose her quick quick escape to urban life starting Tuesday the beachwood drive gate will be closed to public because of court action hikers and tourists will be directed away from the trail entrance the soon to be closed trailhead is popular among Angelenos as well as tourists wanting a selfie with the world's most famous sign blah blah blah some residents welcome the closure even though they along with other visitors will no longer be able to access the trail it's long overdue says Jim Krantz 60 stopping yeah I'm an old angry guy get out of here like you didn't go up there and you fucking 23 schedule with some fucking chick back in the day and now you're the fucking old legs are too old to go

up the trail so everyone else can't go everybody get my fucking suck my dick he did that back in the fucking well that would make him too old the Vietnam era I don't know okay gate while walking through I I'm always walking my dog we come up here every night we're going to miss our little hikes up here still while the closure is a bummer it's worth that he said there's a classic fucking LA guy 60 years old still saying bummer would you interview the fucking dude I prefer to have it locked and lose all the people and all the noise and all the sound and all the litter and everything else that goes along with it it's not a legal challenge by resonance but one from the sunset ranch a horse stabler and tour company okay so it's the horse people

that is putting an end to public access to the trail road all right fuck it I don't know what I'm talking about I thought it was the people with the houses now it turns out it's a fucking rancher it's a matter all those selfie people are spooking your horses is that what's going on did I just waste 10 minutes talking about that fucking sign why Bill why did you waste 10 minutes because your fucking team lost again last night yes they did the finesse Bruins the goal scoring Bruins once again lost to the the pretending to be tough Tampa Bay lightning I've been watching the Bruins for 40 years and it's been a long time since I've seen us get pushed around the way we're getting pushed around and I think we've got too many Rick Middleton's and not enough Jay Miller's

we need we need somebody I don't know we're just letting people waltz into the fucking zone and I kind of feel like after the first two games in Toronto Toronto made an adjustment and kind of showed how to beat the Bruins and I think we caught Tampa a little flat because they lay off and we beat him in game one and they're basically just doing the same fucking thing that Toronto did to us which is you know we're kind of a one-line team right now I don't know maybe we just had a couple of games that were bad but it's not the Tampa scoring goals it's that they're fucking all this face washing and all this shit that they're doing and now they're starting to fucking act like they're this tough team and then not I mean I could beat up half the people

Tampa that's a true story I don't know it's just weird I've never seen the Bruins not saying it's happening a lot it's they're just taking a little too many fucking liberties and the calls haven't been going our way the last two games so I gotta feel like we'll do this game you know I don't want to sit here and bitch about the officiating because some nights you get the call some nights you don't and it's just been kind of back to back I don't know how you miss a stick hitting an eight-foot guy in the face I don't know how you miss that and then you turn around and call a penalty on his retaliation and you know I don't know I don't know it's been a but generally speaking I don't think the officiating I think I don't know if they're overthinking

things it's just been weird not as much bad just kind of weird officiating so maybe who knows tonight we're due next tomorrow night maybe I guess we play we're due to get some calls however I will say this the rebuild has been a success the fact we already want to fucking play off series and we could win this one we can actually get to the Eastern Conference finals this quickly after blowing up the team so I am happy about that I just wish we would we had a little more teeth you know I mean Tampa I don't look at Tampa they don't have any giant fucking goon they're basically a bunch of goal scorers and a couple of fucking punks and I don't know I don't know what the fucking deal is I'd like to see Nash use his size a little more and fucking lay somebody out

even if you gotta take a pen is that is that game gone now in hockey I mean we had our first fight last night it's fucking unheard of fucking 10 games in to the playoffs we had our first fight but you know all these people that watch to limp a cocky this is the hockey that they wanted so they can now sit down and watch it which they're not doing the cunts you know I think the people that tried to get fighting out of hockey are also people that want to take the Hollywood sign down those kinds of people oh by the way you guys keep asking me about this Michelle wolf thing I haven't seen it I don't pay attention to the news but evidently she did the White House correspondence dinner and everybody's all up in arms because she told some jokes which I can

totally understand I mean she's telling jokes people I mean that's that's how fucking dangerous is that you know it's just unbelievable to me that it's okay to genetically alter our food supply that's okay you can take all the fucking principles of heroin and and and create them in the synthetic form and create a fucking nationwide heroin epidemic that's fine not a word from cnn a fucking fox on that shit not a fucking peep right you can totally cook the economy leave millions of Americans upside down in their own fucking houses the rest of their life they're gonna own more they're gonna own more than what their house is worth and then you give the houses right back to the bankers so they can do it all over again all of that is fine all of that is fine but evidently

if you're a comedian and you tell some fucking jokes people are gonna debate it for 10 fucking days while they're feeding kids they're their own fucking kids this poison food that's gonna make you a nine-year-old have a fucking mustache this fucking nuts are gonna drop before he learns how to ride a bike it's so full of fucking hormones and all this other fucking shit evidently that is fine poisoning your own food supply something ISIS jerks off to doing to us i mean are those not terrorist acts against your own fucking people the people that did that shit should literally be hanging from their toes but there's not a fucking word that's said about it not a fucking word is said about it because they advertise on cnn and fox and they donate to fucking politicians

so they don't say a fucking word you know all of these fucking presidents they leave the office worth tens of millions of dollars despite the fact that they only made 500 grand a year as president you tell me how that math works out why isn't that ever talked about the level that they do now when a comedian tells a fucking joke it's ridiculous i'm off my soapbox jesus fucking christ i've this is just this is literally the era of just getting outraged about something that really doesn't fucking matter while meanwhile two feet away there's a raging fucking inferno can you believe the joke she told at that fucking place where she was hired to tell jokes can you believe she went in there and did her fucking job that my god that's outrageous

let's talk about that for 10 days and ignore the fact that the ford motor company is phasing out cars because no one buys them anymore because everybody needs an suv because their cars are full of shit that they don't need that they're eventually going to take down to goodwill and it's going to end up in the fucking ocean in that swirl of fucking trash did you hear that katelyn jenner joke did you hear what so and so said about donald trump this is why i don't watch the news this is why i just sit alone by myself and think things and agree with them and then spew them out as though they're fact maybe why not why can't i have my own little news network why can't i behave like cnn and fox

and curate my fucking news and spin my own fucking angle on it and then just have americans yelling at each other i don't know i don't understand why people like the the level of mouth breathing more on you have to be to be on facebook right now screaming at somebody about politics or social issues you know and even worse the people that totally buy into it and then start using all that fucking corporate speak like that was micro aggressive you know walking around like you're this informed person ah they can all go suck a dick good for her she went there and told some jokes and she ruffled some feathers good for her all right now they're gonna treat her like she's in fucking ices classic classic journalism in the modern era all right um i got a couple of um

so that's what i think about that okay i don't need to fucking watch any of the jokes i know she's fucking hilarious and i know that it's completely blown out of proportion and everybody's running around like fucking chicken little people with blue ties yelling at people with red fucking ties or the blue type people like it because the red type people got it worse or vice versa um all right plowing your head here meanwhile there's gonna be a fucking polar bear swimming up to my fucking house and warm things up this spring with a trip to sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties described as small but mighty the rose is 25 off this month at sarila's along with all

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i don't know they need to have like uh they need to have stricter rules on hacking information you know what i mean we got to act like the way they do in like southeast asia when bankers step out of line they put them to death you know i'm not saying we got to kill these fucking people but like you know we can bring back the stockade right no you can't do that we'd be like we would sit there and be like well what does that make us we can't do things like that we're not supposed to be like that we just waterboard people waterboard them doesn't water waterboarding sounds that sounds like a fucking sounds like a game that you a toy that you would have before like the fucking internet and all the cool shit came along you know remember all that bad those awful the fucking

games that we had at least we got outside we weren't fat fucks do you guys remember trackball see if i can find that commercial it was like basically i think we actually bought that trackball commercial see if i can find this thing trackball by wamo oh my god this takes me back this takes me wamo whatever happened to those guys the internet video games ah this is somebody fucking playing trackball i want the fucking commercial you know i don't understand these people that like you know their kids about to bump their head and rather than preventing it they let them do it so they can fucking get a youtube video out of it 20 pictures that hillary clinton wish wishes would go away

that's what that i look up trackball and then that's what i get the night ted newgent this is what you guys can i'm gonna i'm gonna give up my information here by the videos that just came up here you guys will understand what i look for on youtube all right michael angelo 2018 rock and roll led zeppelin tribute the night ted newgent challenged lennard skinner jonathan moffat plays michael jackson's billy jean he's a drummer 20 pictures that hillary clinton wishes would go away family never believed their grandpa's crazy stories until and there's a picture of an old trunk the dragon takes its toll in blood this is a motorcycle video i do watch people wipe out our motorcycles you guys do that shit i don't like watching like knockouts i used to like

watching that shit but there's just too many fucking sucker punches and shit like that but i do like watching these fucking people on motorcycles driving like goddamn lunatics i like when they run from the cops and they get away and i like watching them wipe out i don't know what that says about me brutal motorcycle crashes part three part three four million eight hundred thousand fucking video look at this guy oh bam he was going too fast he rode right into the fat guy and the fat guy didn't even fall down now the guy the guy doing the front fucking this is my favorite one you know when they do the front wheelie then at some point you have to let go and do the face plant

dude i swear to god people on motorcycles they're just a different breed there's a level of balls there's a lot of fat guys on motorcycles right now you know that has to affect the center of gravity of the bike it's got to bring it up higher right that's probably why this guy just went down here's another guy going into a turn everything's going good there's snow on the ground what could go wrong this is the last one i'll do because i know this is getting boring here anything i can do to avoid talking about how miserable i was watching the last two fucking Bruins games um what's gonna happen is a deer gonna come running out this guy seems to be riding very responsibly he's checking out all the beautiful uh areas is he gonna get

hit by a Santa Claus sleigh oh we hit the ice and he goes down oh that sucks well what the fuck were you thinking well here's a guy on a track here's a smart guy why don't more people go out to a track there's no branches or fucking suvs out there um all right i'm done with that shit um speaking of which i gotta get my truck tuned up get that fucker ready for the summer out here get that fucker ready for the summer out um oh by the way i'm having a very special guest coming out to the podcast next week uh very special guest to promote their new show barry on HBO it's going down next week a very special guest will be coming on to my repeat very special guest so you can look forward to that i have a week of shows coming up out in san

francisco monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday there was another show that i was announced on some sort of benefit i saw on twitter i don't even know what the fuck that is my agent called me up asking me if i knew what the fuck it was nobody knew what the fuck it was i'm not going to be doing that benefit why would i schedule a competing show in a fucking all right ah christ i gotta call this person back all right well listen that that was the thursday fucking podcast jesus christ you know something i literally literally phoned this one in i spent ten minutes talking about a fucking sign that i thought the neighbors were bitching about it turned out it was a fucking horse farm um was there anything accomplished i defended michelle wolf

okay how about that without ever seeing what the fuck she said i i don't even give a fuck you you told jokes it's like getting mad at a plumber because they came over to your house and and and plumbed you get offended by the way they snake out a fucking toilet um i think that's all i did really is that all i did well you know what do you want from me you know what's cool was seeing Pedro Martinez at the Bruins game i wish the Bruins and i mean boston teams would do that more you know our legends just like disappear you need to have them come back around and talk to the younger people about the fucking even if it's from another sport it's still great just to see a champion there was bobby yore and

Pedro Martinez um but like i always bothers me like larry bird like he just like left he never see the guy come back but you know he was always like that right he always wanted to go back to the country and just be left alone you know you know there's a bunch of billboards a couple billboards out here these fans put up asking lebron to come out here i mean that's how hard people go out here it's how much money they got you know they can just pay for billboards all these fucking whine and ask laker fans because they've been bad for a couple of years give us the best player it's all they fucking do out here drives me nuts you know it's just the Celtics can't compete with it i've been saying this for years this is our pitch hey do you want to

come to racist boston and deal with the winner in fuck sixes or do you want to go to racist los angeles where it's summer every day and fuck movie stars and and and super models we can't compete with that i don't think there's one infinity pool in massachusetts dude i got a backyard rick he can come over and skate on um all right i got some shit to do uh that's the podcast go bruins go celtics celtics game two against the 76ers mo cheeks andrew tony huh those are the sixes i remember um i'm gonna be watching that tonight actually no i'm gonna be editing f is for family and then i'm gonna go do a spot somewhere possibly all right that's it listen to the music and enjoy another half hour of uh some thursday afternoon podcasts from earlier

this year or maybe one from years ago i have no idea have a great weekend you can't sell see on monday you tropics skies are jealous as they shine my sweet i think they're jealous of your blue eyes oh hey what's going on it's bill burr and it is the monday morning podcast from monday may 3rd 2010 um how the hell are you i got some great news for you the podcast is back it is back

up on itunes and right now you're gonna go to itunes and you're probably not going to be able to find it because uh it's it's going to take three to six days for it to actually appear if you go to search it because itunes is a pain in the ass as we've noticed over the last three months but my new uh my new sort of web guy here has been able to fix the thing and basically if you want to find all the podcasts since the beginning in 2007 right up until now all you have to do is just go into itunes and uh once you're in itunes you click on advanced and it once you click on advance uh what you do two down click on subscribe to podcast and then this little window will open up and this is what you type in all right type in www.billburr.com slash podcast and hit okay and um that'll be it

you'll be in you'll have all the podcasts from here on out until the end of time unless something happens to me because uh this is my podcast thing whatever the fuck it is i'm not with the gcast anymore i'm not with that libson shit i'm with my own thing so i don't have to deal with their fees i don't have to deal with them suddenly going out of business or switching the way that they do things or their intellectual properties or their fucking whatever the hell it is that they're doing and this is why it took me so long and i just want to thank everybody i appreciate the patients i even appreciate the angry emails people sent me like dude what the fuck is going on um i appreciate all of that because that meant you give a shit and that you like to listen to it so once again

go into itunes at least on a mac if you click on advanced the window that opens up the second thing down will say subscribe to the podcast you open that up a window will open and in it you will write www.billburr.com uh slash podcast all right and it's the regular slash the one that starts further to the right and then comes i don't even no no no i don't even don't even try to describe it back slash i don't even fucking know how to tell you that um so that's it and one other thing i have to hype is we have a fan page now here on the uh bill burr uh monday morning podcast and that one is uh www.thecapital m capital m uh capital p and then you're spelling podcast i'm the worst www.themmpodcast.com and mm and the p of podcast are capitalized that's how so go on there leave

your comments if you want to check out some pictures of some of the fucked up references that i'll make to whatever podcast you're listening to they'll be up there i actually asked you guys some questions on there i haven't done that in a couple weeks but finally everything should be up and running and that was probably the driest most unfunny three minutes and 25 seconds i've ever done on the podcast but i had to get that information out there um i'm going to send out a mass email and i'm going to put it up on facebook and on myspace all that information that i just gave you and if you know other podcast listeners if you want to email that what i just said email it to them and maybe i can uh maybe i can build it back up again you know it's kind of like a uh something

that went out of business and then it was kind of like the j leno show i went away for a minute now i'm back and i'm trying to get my ratings back again granted i i didn't kick out some unsuspecting redhead i kicked myself out and i am an unsuspecting redhead and speaking of redheads god damn it am i good with the fucking segways somebody sent me something this week they sent me a video and they were like uh what did you say that like david tell a video somebody sent me a video and said you gotta check this thing out or whatever i don't know if you've seen this yet but there was a video on youtube um you guys familiar with the artist uh m i a she did that song i believe was it paper planes um you know it's that song you couldn't fucking get away from last year what

was like an awesome song and then every filmmaker in america seemed to fall in love with it and put it in their movie or even something like pineapple express it wasn't even in the movie but they still put it in the trailer all right i like paper and i like planes and i like something and i'm fucking lame maybe something man you something man you something yes bill we know huh there's this one there's a bed cover there's my cover of uh m i a's uh paper planes whatever i know it's not called paper planes it's called something else something with paper in it you know so anyway she has a new video out that somebody uh brought to my attention and i hear the relaxed confidence in my voice now i feel so much better now that i know my podcast is back up on itunes even though

for three to six days most of you will not know that because you won't be able to find it because you won't have heard this um anyways uh so somebody sent me this thing this uh this video m i a has a new video called born free all right so they should you go you should check this video out and it's actually a video my girlfriend already showed me she goes i want you to see this okay now just watch it with an open mind i don't you want you to criticize it just watch it okay can you do me can you just promise me that you're not gonna go oh Jesus two seconds into it can you please so i said yeah fine i'll sit down and i watch it and it's basically um not to whatever i'm gonna ruin it here all right spoiler alert um basically the video is about uh it's not really

army guys but it's more like uh sort of riot police guys white dudes i think all white dudes and like riot police and they're uh they bust into this apartment building that looks like it's in the middle east it's got that middle east sort of uh vibe to it um which basically means uh you know there's some bullet holes with some sand in the background to me that's the middle east you know could be miami i don't fucking know right so um i'm watching this thing and they basically they just go through this this apartment complex just horrifically kicking in doors violating everybody's rights they don't give a shit what people are doing because they're looking for this one dude and they find the dude and they grab the guy right this redheaded white dude sort of a buzz

cut i guess and they grab him he doesn't want to go and they're fighting him and they bring him downstairs and then they put him on a bus and he gets on the bus and it's a whole bunch of other redheads it's a whole it's a whole bus full of redheads all right and uh right there i was like oh Jesus but i didn't say anything because i promised my lovely girlfriend i'd watch the whole thing so long story short they drive him to a camp they have him get off the bus and then they make him run so that all the police can basically kill him and they have him run through minefields and all that type of shit and it's basically commenting on the racial profiling the genocide and some of the stuff that has gone on in the past and has gone evidently going on right

now all right it made no references to iraq but it definitely had a iraq sort of uh feel to it except it was redheads so in the end my girl's like well what did you and they like these redheads their fucking arms are flying off all right they're beating them with clubs they're doing all this horrific shit to them to this sea of redheads and she said what did you think and this is basic and i'm also answering this person who sent it to me what i thought of it i thought it was a great idea for a video and i thought it could have made a good point if they didn't pick the singled out group of redheads for the simple fact that uh nobody gives a shit about redheads we're just i don't know what it is people don't they they just don't care about us you know remember

when kanye west was saying you know george bush doesn't care about black people well nobody cares about white people so you know at least somebody cares about black people it's just george george doesn't you know but there's there's people who do that was my thing the second they decided redheads it just became a comedy and i gotta admit it was weird because i've never seen a busload of redheads it dawned on me i've never seen that like i've seen a busload of like you know generally speaking you look on a bus it's a bunch of people with brown hair the occasional blonde right and uh you know maybe a redhead every five buses there'll be one redhead but an entire busload of redheads was funny to me and also it was oddly disturbing it was they were weird looking

and i realized in that moment even as a redhead i'm going look at those weird looking sons of bitches and i realized that this is the deal with redheads we are not the main course we are a spice we are the spice in like uh i don't know we're like red pepper flakes that you put on like i don't know a steak or something if you ordered something in a restaurant and all they brought over was the spice you'd be like dude what the fuck where's the meal that's what that's what redheads do that's our job with people you go to a baseball game and you're just sitting there going Jesus Christ how many fucking brunettes can i look at bam there's a redhead oh shit there's a redhead right reset your brain and you can we'll look at some more brunettes now that's what we do

so uh long story short that's what i thought i thought about the video i thought it was a uh just because they i don't know who else they could have picked i understand what they're saying what if they rounded up this certain segment of white people would you give a fuck now you know i guess you know as always i i don't know i don't fucking know but like because it was redheads i just felt at that point the second they started running through the minefield they should have had uh they should have had like benny hill music and they blew them up because it just was funny to me and weird it was oddly like if you were walking down the street and all of a sudden like just a group of redheads was just walking the other way you can't tell me that you wouldn't

be creeped out or uncomfortable just for the mere fact that you've never seen it see like those are my fucking people and i saw them all together and i was weirded out by it am i a self-hating redhead i don't think i am i just i don't know so check it out it's called uh you want to see a bunch of redheads get get beat up and blown up there you go i mean fucking south park did that shit where it was kick a ginger day and kids actually did it they actually went out and fucking did it you couldn't have that about any other group without some sort of outrage you know flick some jewish guys balls day you could never have that to be they'd be considered anti-semitic it'd be taken off the fucking air if you said something about black people you know redheads i don't know we

we fall into those weird cracks where we're white dudes so no one gives a shit but uh are we a silent minority i used to do bits about that how redheads are portrayed in the in movies you know we're never the cool guy we never are we're always the friend with a guy in the van you know when tom cruise is in there going you know i'm like sitting there in a van in a laptop he's he's running around with like fucking hally berry or some other anjanoo you got to give me more time and then i'm in the van i'll try you know and i'm clicking away at my laptop that's what i'm doing no pussy no sunshine no pussy okay since the beginning of filmmaking uh opi richie cunningham howdy duty

david caruso was our only fucking shot and he blew it he fucking i used to talk about this shit on stage he fucking blew it so i mean i don't know that's just how we're uh erik stoltz came close he came close but then he did the movie mask and once again reminded everybody that he was genetically compromised um what else has there been one even like shan white the baddest snowboard the flying tomato yeah thanks thanks thanks thanks for that that fucking horrific fucking nickname there's no goddamn respect you know and here i am a redhead myself and i watched that video and i thought it was funny we thought it'd be funny remember that joe piscopo when he used to do alan font we thought it'd be funny all right so let's plow ahead here that's what i thought about

that shit um i did a lot of tv watching this week but i'm gonna try to get back to some of the topics here on the podcast oh here's a little story for you i was gonna tell you i forgot i've actually already recorded this podcast i recorded it last night but i was tired and i was grumpy i was in a bad mood because i had another incident with my downstairs neighbor the continuing story of the downstairs fucking neighbor and for those of you who are new to my podcast i have a neighbor downstairs classic you know old guy and we have hardwood floors and he thinks we make entirely too much noise and he fucking hates us so uh but i confronted the guy so he doesn't yell at us anymore and uh yesterday i was uh hanging out and i was doing what most people

of my age do 41 years old what do you do uh you're helping out your wife you're taking the kids to the park fuck no you're not even married you don't have kids you know what you're doing you just you're taking your LP for those about to rock that you just bought and you're putting it on your turntable because you know that angus is always in the right speaker and malcom is always in the left and you want to learn the rhythm to evil walks that's all i wanted to do people i wasn't hurting anybody all right and for underrated overrated very underrated acdc album is the for those about to rock the problem was is they were following the back and black album but if there's any guitar players out there you gotta

fucking listen to the to the the b side of that album all right evil walks cod um the whole backside i love i'm trying to remember what the what the last song is on that one i can't do nothing right spellbound that's another great one and it's just i don't know i it's the craziest thing where now that i've started playing guitar is i am finding a whole nother genius level to acdc music that i've now been listening to for 30 fucking years if you can believe it malcom is in angus they're fucking geniuses so this is all i want to do is you know i'm never gonna be able to go who knows maybe if i play till i'm 65 i'll actually be able to play a couple of angus leads if i stick with it but like i just want that's why i started playing

guitars like i just want to be able to play the shit that malcom plays just the rhythm underneath right so that's all i'm doing i'm sitting there with my fucking my phonograph my record player my stereo whatever you want to call it and i'm getting ready to switch the balance all the way over to the left so i can figure out what what malcom is doing what the fuck does malcom do that makes you if you had the last row of the fucking roman coliseum he's still blowing you out of the back of the thing you know it's all about not playing the high e with those guys they're fucking maniacs anyways so this is what i want to do so i switch it over to the left side and i find out my left side speaker is fucked up oh my god jesus christ so i'm trying to fix the

thing and as i reach behind it i got this little i don't know what it is you plug the speaker into this little it's like the size of like a matchbox car right and i knock it out and it hits the floor boom hits the floor and i was like i literally made that face like you know because i don't want to piss off the fucking bear downstairs right so he doesn't yell at us anymore so you know what this douchebag does he gets up don't don't don't don't don't my hair i'm walking over to his door and he opens up his door and then slams it as hard as he can and i really wish that i was mature enough as as an adult to just laugh that off but it made me so fucking mad because i literally feel like this is like the i'm walking around on eggshells my own goddamn apartment you know

here i i drop i drop one fucking thing all day and i literally go like oh my god what did i do i'm literally on eggshells because and you know and and this is what always happens to me i always get on eggshells around people initially that's my initial reaction when someone's a dick is i kind of back off a little bit you know and then i then i always go into wait a minute why are you really tiptoeing around or whatever the fuck it is i'm doing and then i get mad and uh so that's what happened with that guy and it's just it's just like i don't know how to solve this it's an old guy i can't yell at him i just can't it goes against how i was brought up it's common decency he's an old son of a bitch whatever he's fucking miserable but he keeps doing this this

fucking alpha male shit well you slam in the door like like i don't know if i'm wrong to read it that way like like what do you think is some sort of fucking badass remember that commercial well you want to dance oh man you want to fucking dance that's what i feel like doing walking up in a swank can i open these goddamn blinds it's probably gonna be upset the noise i just made there there you go move the screen oh fuck this thing's gonna slam open now watch this this happens every week there we go now it's open now it's open um yeah so i was dealing with that fucking guy so anyway so i did a podcast last night and just the the anger i had for that guy was just running through the entire thing and i was like who wants to listen to an angry

son of a bitch and i know what you're thinking bill you know that's how i think he a funniest when you get mad it was a different kind of mad it was like a serious like dude why don't you just fucking get over it kind of mad so so anyways oh here's the here's the story i wanted to tell you i had a gay little moment yesterday at a uh i was hanging out with my girlfriend you know you ever have one of those moments you know you have i was uh driving back from somewhere uh oh a vegetarian restaurant that my girlfriend wanted to go to she's like you want to go to you want to go to eddy cucumbers and i'm like no but i told her i take her out to breakfast and then it became lunch and then she wants to go to this fucking vegan place right you know where they have like

you know the chef should literally come out and be like okay who likes impressions all right this is my impression of bacon he just wheels out some brown soy that he that he fucking that's all it is it's it's a bunch of it's soy soy is like the rich little of a vegan restaurant where it can fucking imitate everybody but not quite it's more like rich little in the 80s when he stopped working on his impressions and he's and he was still like nightly doing like an impression of like linden b johnson it's like dude we're already up to the fucking first george bush which we're not aware of yet that it is the first george bush uh unless we're marty mcfly so anyways so we go there we fucking eat there um and we're driving back she goes i want to get some ice cream

you want to get some ice cream i know a great ice cream place so i said fuck yeah i love ice cream i love it i like to eat ice cream you know i'm not ashamed of it i know you know who doesn't like ice cream you know maybe people who are lactose intolerant maybe they don't like it people who who didn't floss throughout their life so it hurts their teeth you know there's one for you youngsters brushing floss every night because if you don't someday ice cream is gonna hurt your teeth and you'll never be able to enjoy it again you know someday you'll have full upper and lower dentures sitting there just fucking doing that thing you know you know people chew when they have dentures they do that thing where they look like they're trying to blow a bubble with their food

for some reason their tongue has to stick out like a goddamn llama you don't want to do that shit so anyways i'm like yeah let's go so um why am i walking around i don't know why i'm walking around what the why am i questioning it i felt like walking around i'm walking around um so anyways so we go to this this ice cream place and of course it's not like the old school ones that i used to go to like friendlies and brigam's where you just walked in and there was like you know what do you want you want chocolate you want vanilla you want strawberry you know rocky road they had a couple of those and i like rocky road i don't like marshmallows i really don't they just did fucking gross they did just i don't know usually when something's gooey it makes it good like

melted cheese but this marshmallow is a fucking disgusting you know all you douchebags out there making s'mores i don't know what the fuck's wrong with you but anyways so we go to this uh we go to this place and we walk in it's one of these places now they have all these new fucking i don't know what kind of flavors they got i was gonna say funky flavors and i realized that i shouldn't use that word so i had to go back to fucking i was like should i say it should i not say it fucking flavors um they had like red velvet cake ice cream i mean it doesn't even make sense anymore so they had another one that was like you know caramel something and it had great nuts on the top of them right so this is the deal i don't know if you've never been really designer

ice cream places but what they do is their flavors are so fucked up you've never had them before so you got it you want to try them out so how it works is they scoop a little bit out with that little this little plastic spoon and then they hand it to you and then you eat it you're like oh i like that one let me try this one so my girlfriend's doing that and it says dude scooping the ice cream out so it's like already it's just like weird like which one you want to try and even like the names oh let me let me try the triple foofy fucking one right so i go let me try the great nut one right so he scoops a little bit out and then he goes to he goes to he goes to hand it to me and the spoon is so small there's there's like there's no way for me to take it from without

brushing my hand against his hand you know and then i also i have to take it in a very a very like delicate way because i don't want to spill the ice cream so my hand grazes his hand you know like we're in lady in the tramp fucking eating spaghetti in a hand kind of way right and i take it from him and then i eat the ice cream and it just it just there was something about it that just felt wrong okay i just sort of it was intimate i had an intimate moment with his hand in my hand and then i put a sweet treat into my mouth afterwards and told him it was good so is the best part so i don't give a fuck what that ice cream was felt like i was like i'm taking that shit right now let me let me get that flavor because i don't know if i can do that

again and uh you know i don't know i'll either start blushing or s for your phone number i don't know what's gonna happen so the best part was after i go yeah let me just get that great enough flavor my girl goes oh no you get two scoops two different flavors what other one you want to try and i'm like that one the one right next to it i don't think they go well together i don't give a fuck can we end this what is that cowboy movie with the two gay cowboys in the uh broke back mountain moment with the ice cream we just ended oh god i'm getting creeped out right now but i'll tell you something i was fucking it was worth it man ice cream was unbelievable with the grape nuts on it i'm telling you it's worth it it's worth grazing another man's hands

just to try it it's fucking phenomenal um so there you go that was my that was my little moment and uh the ice cream was so good i'm gonna go there again and i'm gonna try my best to get a female the next time i have to do that that might get dangerous right now what a fucking no i'm not gonna go down i don't do sex jokes okay the two fucking easy all right i just trashed jesus all right so that was my gay little moment of the week um i can't get fucking comfortable why can i i can't i'm standing up i'm sitting back down my foot feels a lot better by the way i want to thank that the i had a couple of doctors who actually listen to this or at least they say they are and whoever was the one who told me to take a bottle of water and freeze it in the fridge

and roll that underneath the arch of my foot it's done fucking wonders so pass that on if you ever fuck up the arch of your foot and every time you go to take a step and it feels like there's there's there's an invisible smurf just stab in the bottom of your foot just do a bunch of calf stretches almost like runner stretches is what you do and then like like three four times a day just roll a frozen bottle of water underneath your arch it's like you're massaging it and icing it all at the same time and i gotta tell you want to talk about a fucking ice cream headache take a frozen bottle of water and stick it on the bottom of your foot um but you know you get used to it you get fucking used to it so i want to thank whoever uh whoever told me to do that i somehow

lost the email with all my web stuff this week um but anyways plowing ahead here i have i have more exciting news right now i am currently getting ready to do my fifth uh performance on the david letterbrand program number five my fifth uh time going to go out there and do some stand-up and uh i'm putting together the set right now i'm very confident i think everything's going good it's ahead of schedule and tonight i'm literally going to sit down and uh before i go out i have it all worked out and i just have to type it out like my jokes are easily i can take the curse words out easily um because so much of my cursing is not even necessary i just like to do it and then because i love getting the emails like so much you're cursing you don't even need it uh those

fucking people who sit there and they think that clean comedy is like this unbelievable thing like how do you do it i just don't understand it you know it's i'm not saying it's it's it's a bad thing but the way people like that right there that's a pure that's pure fuck you know what that's like watching laurence welkin because they're just so wholesome that you just think that none of those guys in that band are a racist you know you know people who watch clean comedy and then just think see right there that's what comedy's on that's a fucking bit those are the same people who like their neighbor ends up being a serial killer right and they always say the same shit he was so nice like what is your definition of nice because they say hello to you every morning good morning

how are you nice weather we're having he's so nice he always says hello he's a he never curses it's wholesome it's wholesome comedy you know look at fucking Hugh Grant could you get any more wholesome than that guy Hugh Grant killed the hooker scene on sunset i learned that when he got busted they used to be hookers walking up and down the street back in the fucking heyday but because that guy didn't even have the decency to pull down the fucking side street the guy's got one blowing him as he goes into in and out burger you know but you look at his movies and he plays this bumbling oh he's out there banging hookers so all you fucks i'm sick of it you're idiots you're idiots your your your your basis for somebody being nice

is they say nice things you know have you taken any psychology classes have you ever i don't know what tried to break somebody down and figure out why they do the shit that they do why am i yelling at all of you guys like you disagreed with me obviously you don't give a shit if i curse if you listen to this thing you know what i did right i should have been playing catholic church music right underneath that that's what i was doing right there i was guilting you guys about something you didn't even fucking do what an asshole i apologize so anyways that's that's typical me i had great news and then i have to go negative way with it um yeah so i'm gonna be taping on um monday may 16th and then i believe it airs that friday which is uh may 20th

so set your dvrs and all that type of stuff and i'm gonna go out there and have a great time so there is that and another big piece of news for the trifecta here is i finally have a date in los vegas that's right after years of people asking me on the podcast dude why don't you come to vegas what's the deal man um tom papa who is the host of the marriage ref very funny show in mbc everybody should watch good friend of mine tom papa wholesome tom papa does not curse in his act you know grandad he's murdered half his fucking neighbors but no he he hosts a show at the orleans casino in uh los vegas okay so just go to uh i have all the information up on my website bill bird dot com um but it's not going to have my name on it because it's tom show i'm

coming on and i'm basically doing the tom papa comedy show so if you see tom papa uh why don't i give you the fucking dates and stop running my goddamn mouth uh i'm very excited about this date because uh huge fan of uh tom papa uh good friend of mine and i don't get to work with a lot of my friends anymore because they're all headlining so there's a rare time that i get to work with another comedian that i respect and am friends with uh okay so it's on june 25th and 26th it's a friday night and one of the cool things about the orleans casino it's the last uh place where george carlin did stand up see that a lot of people didn't know that did they you didn't did you so uh there's that and that that ends that now what the fuck that i want to talk about it just

had a great segue there and i couldn't remember the hell i was going to talk about jesus christ this always happens whenever i rerecord these things i have these moments i have these little lulls and i've learned to not panic during them let's talk about a show that i saw an espn called 30 for 30 it's this great new segment if you're a sports fan set your dvr and check this shit out um they're doing stories on uh who killed the usfl uh the united states football league which i didn't i didn't know somebody killed it i just thought it didn't work out you know um i actually a lot of people don't know this i actually went to a usfl game i saw the boston breakers versus the washington federals at nickerson field in uh in boston massachusetts

in the boston breakers one and it was almost a capacity crowd just out of curiosity and uh i still remember a lot of the teams philadelphia stars new jersey generals owned by donald trump had her shall walker and dug flutie remember that shit michigan panthers won at the first year bobby a bear is that who was the quarterback or then went and played with the saints believe it or not i'm not looking this shit up on the internet i actually remember this stuff and my favorite fucking helmet i thought the michigan panthers had a cool helmet but i liked uh oakland they had like that that fist holding the lightning bolt on that yellow helmet it was the shit and i thought it was very fitting because the raiders have the best uniforms in all football and everyone's

tried to rip them off whenever your team becomes too pussy like they always go well let's fucking steal the raiders we'll start wearing black because that's a badass color remember jerry glanville huh speaking of marshmallows that dough boy remember that when nobody respected the houston oilers all of a sudden he gets a black satin fucking houston oilers jacket i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about so anyway so i watched one episode of it i can't recommend it high enough i watched one on the university of miami called the u and it was talking about the heyday of the university of miami um it was fucking awesome man it was just an awesome thing on so many different levels just showing how badass their team were was how crazy their team was and then also just

watching all those old guys now exaggerating all their fucking stories was hilarious and that's the great thing about being an old guy if you did something at eight when you retell the story you did it at fifteen and they they were doing it to such a ridiculous level that i almost forgot that i was alive when that shit was going down because it sounded like a brand new story to me i mean granted they were not liked throughout college football and college sports in general without a doubt they were considered crass no-class thugs all the absolute fucking lootily but to tell the way they tell this story it's it's just like and the president was like fuck russia what's going on at the university of miami i mean it was at the end of the day it's a

fucking football team it's hilarious this one guy goes we were like ali talking trash oh yeah you were just like ali you know he basically brought talking shit to a whole another art form he basically was the first guy to do it uh not even on a national he did it on a global level and he was also stripped of his title because he wouldn't go to war because of religious reasons and he's stuck by it and you guys grabbed your dicks after catching touchdown passes oh yeah that's the same thing you you would just like it you know what it's like it always goes back to that same quote when i see that that bill russell clip bill russell was talking about his philosophies on rebounding i knew what the guy i broke the guy down i blah blah blah and then he's just like so a lot

of times i got to rebound before the guy ever even took the shot you know really bill really you could it wasn't it really that you were six foot ten and everybody else was a five-foot eight-inch fucking white guy at that point other than wil chamblin who was you know didn't everybody look like bob coosie you know but he's an old man now so he he gets he gets to fucking he gets to to exaggerate like look at pal gasol when they won game one uh the other night oh no when they when they closed it out sorry when they closed it out against oklahoma when when kobe missed that uh he misses that shot and then pow you know caught the rebound and all the one motion put it in i can't wait i mean it's not he's gonna tell it to me i would love to hear him tell it later on in

life how he's gonna be like you know i mean did you see the look on his face he couldn't even believe it he was like oh my god kobe's finally not gonna yell at me on the jet ride home i did something good i did something good he didn't even know what to do it was like when phil mickelson finally won the masters and he jumped up in the air and then landed on the ground and because he felt weird like he didn't he he didn't know what to do he didn't know what to do but later on in life when that fucking old fish heads maybe when his head finally fucking fills out and it's round like a head supposed to be rather than looking like the sunday paper turned sideways um god help me if that guy ever sees me i really forget that just because nba players can throw him around that i am only

five foot ten inches and he can fucking throw me through an applebee's wall upside down um anyways yeah when he goes to tell that story it's gonna be fucking hilarious he was just it was a moment in the game and i knew something had to happen you know and when he let that ball go i knew it wasn't gonna go in and something told me i don't know where that ball's gonna come off the rim but i'm gonna be there you know he's gonna tell it like that that's what if if you're like me if you're in your early 40s and you were around when the university of miami uh was winning all those titles dude the way that they thought you would have thought the entire country was was just quaking in the corner because of a fucking football it was a football team it was hilarious

you know especially being a guy from boston which is not a college sports town we're a professional sports town all right so all we know about the university of miami is that the fucking bc eagles beats you on the last play of the game that's your badass team fucking 65-yard goddamn prayer as tom jackson says knock it down and you didn't you let jarard failing sneaking behind you how does that happen how does a fucking little white dude get behind all those black guys on defense it's it's physically impossible white guys can't do shit like that um so anyways but definitely watch it because uh the the guy who keeps raining it in is michael ervin because michael ervin is just really fucking honest because at one point they were saying you know the media was biased they

were racist you know which obviously you know there's tremendous ellen trump mounted truth to that they were saying that while they were cutting to stories of these guys bringing guns to clubs you know and then they finally cut to michael ervin and michael ervin was hilarious he was just like you know a lot of guys say that the media was biased but now the truth is we we we were a bunch of bad kids we were bad kids so you know you can't fucking argue with the honesty all right let's get into the topics here i know i said that all right youtube videos for this week if you're sitting at your cubicle right your boss has been a cunt today and you feel like fucking it off you know sticking it to the man here's a couple for you to watch uh

two quick ones fuck you baltimore that's a great one uh parody of a car commercial and uh there's another one if you're a sports fan you know like the new thing when you go to a game like the insane like flat screen tv like they make some sort of intro for your team to get the crowd psyched up like uh like picked like the like maybe like the nashville predators how they have like that saber-tooth tiger maybe they'll just have like a you know computerized saber-tooth tiger doing some shit with like a hockey stick or whatever i got the best one ever that is so fucking politically incorrect you guys ever wondered what a computerized polar bear would look like if it decided to blow up the world and actually it actually blows up the world it the planet earth gets blown up by this

psycho fucking polar bear it's the uh it's the nanook hockey opening 2010 that's what you want to search and the nanook is n a n o okay hockey opening 2010 it starts with a boat uh an ice breaking boat you know obviously it's an alaskan team i'm guessing with nanook unless it's i don't know the yukon territories i have no idea and there's a polar bear frozen in the ice and it because they break up the ice the polar bear gets mad comes up through the ice it's 10 times bigger than the fucking boat i'll just tell you the beginning and then some sort of supernatural shit happens where it's claps its hands together like michael clauch dunk dunking in that movie about death row and the mouse right and all of a sudden it has like a a hockey stick that's glowing

like a lightsaber the thing lets out a growl and then slams it down on the ice breaking ship breaks it in half and the fucking thing sinks and the first thing i'm thinking was well what about the people on the boat right isn't that what they'd say at the arena i think it's good that there's a teddy bear but does it have to kill people on a boat this thing that that's just where this starts i don't know what happens after that next thing you know it's in an f16 and the fucking planet earth blows up this is for the beginning of a hockey game it's the greatest one i've ever seen if you're into that type of shit so check it out nanook hop hockey opening 2010 all right let's get on with the questions for this week ask bill this is a very interesting question and i think i might

need a little bit of help on this one because this goes outside the realms of what i've been doing with my life bill i've been meaning to ask you i'm afraid that when i'm an adult and have responsibility that i will not be able to smoke weed i'm not a pothead i smoke about a few times a week more in the summer i get decent grades at a decent school i feel like professional and family life won't allow me to blaze anymore this is what i love about this is right up until then right up until he says the word blaze i'm really i'm really believing this guy you know whatever you know i smoke a couple joints a week you know i do well in school at a great school you know i'm very responsible i don't drink and drive a couple times a week i have a if he said i have a couple of toks no big

deal i get it you know you want to watch laverne and surely you need fiddle faddle i don't have a problem with that you know but once you say blaze i'm just that that's at least isn't that like blunt level because i always just i mean i'm not a pothead i don't even smoke this shit so i just picture blaze meaning that there has to be some sort of significant source of fire to get that joint going like it's that big maybe i'm wrong because i'm a boozehound so anyways he goes do you think this is true do you think anyone uh do you know anyone your age or older who do smoke decent grades at a different at a decent school okay do you know anyone your age or older who do smoke all right um this is my feelings on on weed i don't think it's that bad um especially nowadays

we can get like a vaporizer check that out or go to uh the mm what is it www.themmppodcast.com and i'll have a picture for you i guarantee it um a vaporizer is basically you put the weed in there you light it on fire or whatever the fuck you do and it basically filters out everything except what gets you high now that has to be way more healthier than sitting down and finishing a six pack isn't it i guess it depends if you get the munchies and then you go out and you take an ice cream i have no fucking idea but anyways i think yeah i this you know i know people who are married and have kids and uh you know if you once in a while they go out send their kids to bed have a couple of puffs but you know you know kids they'll figure out what you're doing that's the

only thing you have to really hide it because uh i don't think i would smoke weed in front of my kids ever because even though i don't think it's any worse than having a beer it isn't it really isn't um the thing is is you are knowingly breaking the law and it is considered like you know you're on drugs for for some reason alcohol isn't which is complete bullshit but it is so just do that in front of a kid and you know kids they always want to outdo you they see a drink in a six pack they're going to try to go for you know at least eight to twelve i don't know so i would just be worried this is with no psychological you know psychology background or any of that shit i would just think if you if your kid saw you smoking weed that he would be

smoking weed by at least seventh or eighth grade maybe tenth if he was a fucking nerd at that point but um and then i don't think it would be that big a leap to coke i really wouldn't now i know potheds this is like a fucking big thing with you guys well this is bullshit this is bullshit don't prove to this is a fucking gateway drug really i think it is because everybody i know went that route you started off with booze then you went to weed then you went to coke and whatever else so you are weed you went to coke or they had crank anybody remember that shit um or whatever else you did took pills whatever you did you're just like whatever acid but you always went weed first i mean as far as i know that's how uh people who i didn't hang out with in high school did it

look at me still being a fucking friend not throwing anybody under the bus um oh dude speaking of that i'm back back at my hometown this weekend really excited thursday and friday i'm at the wilbur theater friday night is already sold out uh thursday night tickets are still available go to billburr.com click on the wilbur theater fr uh thursday may 6th for tickets i'm really whoring myself out this week and um yeah i'll be in atlantic city on saturday night doing the trump taj mahal um anyways so yeah that's my answer i i think yeah you can easily continue to smoke weed just be open and honest with the person that you're with and just say look you know i don't smoke it every fucking day uh i just would rather do that than have like 12 beers and become a fed

fuck you know so that's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna buy a uh i don't even know what the what the quantity is if you smoke twice a week what would you need how much would you need would you need a couple of buds would that get you through it i don't know just a couple of buds a month that's all it's all i'm gonna do sweetheart all right don't look at me that way okay i'm a smart guy i went to a smart school and uh you know do you know anyone your age or older who do smoke um all right that's it that is it for that let's move on to the next thing uh what do we got here hey bill it's been about two weeks since the april 19th podcast when you said you wanted the listeners to ask you the following question if i happen to be a comedian what are the general rules

if i am opening for the headlining act all right uh yeah i did not have a good time that weekend so yeah this is what you would want to do you just go up and do your act within the allotted time you're given if somebody tells you to do 25 minutes do 25 minutes and do your act if you want to blow me off the stage go up there and absolutely fucking destroy with your jokes if you want to try to make it hard on me as a comedian if you want the club owner to be looking at you going like this guy's going to headline someday that's the way you do it you go up there you do your act and you fucking destroy and you make it hard for me all right that's the ideal okay now there's other there's there's some headliners out there that tell like you're basically another thing

as as courtesy to the closing act is you're not overly dirty and you don't play with the crowd that's another that's another thing you know there's other people they say don't go in the green room you know some people who was like fucking divas they don't want anybody in there or they're tired and then there's other headliners who won't even let you sell shit you know sometimes feature acts come up to me like i have yo-yo's can i sell my yo-yo's some headliners don't let you do that so this is my shit i don't give a fuck how dirty you are because i'm filthy i don't give a shit you can talk to the crowd i don't give a fuck you can come in the green room you can sell your shit afterwards i don't give a shit just do your time just stick to your fucking time

all right don't go up there and do when you're supposed to do 20 do 40 minutes and say oh hey sorry about that and then i say okay that's cool whatever we all do that every once in a while and then the next night on the late show you do 37 minutes and you're talking to the crowd and you're saying mean shit to them and you're not really killing but you're not bombing you just you know this is a technique that some features do to try to make the headliner look bad is they go over their time and they fuck with the crowd and they're overly dirty or they'll say mean stuff and it's basically they're blowing out the parameters of the show and then they're also they're making the crowd tired you know and so then when you go up is as the headlining act rather than having a crowd

that's ready to go they're already worn out you're coming up there and the the energy is like you've already been up there for a fucking half an hour that's like how tired they are and that was basically the scenario that i was in is this guy did 40 and then he did 37 and then when i said dude what the fuck that's just that's two out of three shows he then hit me with the brilliant oh how much time do you want me to do you know which is like an open micro question this guy was actually older than i was okay you know the club told you how much time to do so either you're deliberately trying to make it difficult on me by boring the shit out of this crowd for an extra 20 fucking this guy was supposed to do 20 minutes he did 40 he's doing twice his time um yeah it was

one of those deals either that or uh i don't know what your deal is i don't know i was not able to figure this guy out um and it was actually a sad thing because he was a smart guy and he had good jokes and he should have just done them and even like saturday night then he goes up there and then he did he did like 14 minutes and i was just beside me so now i got to cover an hour and 15 rather than just doing his 20 minutes and i go up there you know and i do my hour hour and 10 now he's up there for you know like 12 minutes or some shit so now i got to cover the rest of it and it's it's i just wanted to be like dude what is your problem you know what you don't have a watch you know you've been doing this shit long enough i know you headline i know you know what it's like

when somebody does that amount of time in front of you so i don't know i just basically after uh after he said uh what did he say how much time do you want me to do i just basically stopped talking to him for the rest of the weekend because uh it was just like i can't explain only when somebody asks a question and when what they're really saying is i think you're a fucking moron that's basically what he was saying i think you're a fucking moron like you're gonna be three shows into the weekend and the comedy club never told you how much time to do in front of the headlining act you know and you never asked in three shows in you don't know where the light is and you already went over on the first show when you apologize for it and then then you

fucking do it again and it's like yeah that's either you're a moron or you just don't give a shit and this guy was not dumb so either he didn't give a fuck or he was doing it on purpose which is how i took it i took it like this guy's doing this on purpose to make me look like an asshole but fortunately i'm a fucking beast and i had no problem following the guy but it was just bullshit i didn't i felt like i was going on up after like a fucking telethon and for all you young comics out there i know you're not gonna it's a stupid fucking thing to do because i actually would have said nice things about the guy because he had good jokes and uh but i also you know i'm not gonna go bad mouth him be honest with you i don't even remember his fucking name you know i don't even

remember his fucking name so that's it so that was my weekend that's what i was dealing with i was staying there and this guy was going over and he was like what you mean you don't like a bucket of shit dumped over your head before you go up what oh i didn't know that i've only been doing it for 20 fucking years i have no i i what are the rules do you just keep going until you feel like you want to get up what how do you feature for somebody i have no idea i've just been doing stand-up since fucking uh reader rudner was an open miker i don't know anything it was it was fucking ridiculous and um whatever whatever and i just felt like uh why don't i tell the whole story i felt like it like somebody at the club should have said something to the fucking guy

um they after the second time you know and nobody did and then i'm put in a position like do i go to the club owner like a like a fucking girl and tell on the guy so i i decided to say something to him you know and then he hit me with that shit how much time do you want me to do gee i don't know you've been in this business 20 years was the last time you heard somebody go yeah do 37 in front of me do 37 and be sure to piss off as many people in the crowd as is possible before i go up there that that would be awesome and if there's somebody drunk in the crowd by all means just keep going back and forth with them and turn it into an absolute shitfest before i go up there that would be great and if you could go do twice the amount of time that they told you

to do and act like you have no fucking idea that would that yeah that's what i want that's what i'm looking for i'm sure that that's what you're looking for when you go out in headline all right i got a little upset there um so that was my experience so there you go that's what you're supposed to do all right you know just go up there and do your fucking act and if you kill on the guy after you cannot follow you he'll have no reason to complain because you didn't fuck with the crowd you weren't dirty you just did your shit and he couldn't follow you that's the deal all right so we're going to end with this one uh somebody asked me a hypothetical question that i think this is a new topic here hypotheticals uh a little hypothetical for you uh if something

happened to your dog and she needs an operation that's going to cost 50 grand but there's only a 65 chance that she'll survive the operation do you pay apps a fucking lootley absolutely i pay twice that absolutely 65 percent absolutely put my mortgage down on that she's a fucking pit bull she's a warrior you know that's my buddy absolutely come on you know you know my dog my dog might do a lot of things but you know what it wouldn't do it wouldn't go up and do 37 minutes in front of me it wouldn't okay because there's a loyalty to a pit bull that that son of a bitch didn't have when i was out there all right ah fuck i ran out of time you know what i forgot to do i forgot to do the whole uh the whole bad covers the worst covers you've ever heard i gotta i gotta i gotta break

out that list next week uh you guys are sending me some great ones one that i can remember off the top of my head was um was when earthwind fire did a did a cover of paul mccartney i think it was with the beetles that got to get you into my life and it was a song that when the beetles did it or paul mccartney i forget it was a great song you know and when earthwind and fire did it they somehow turned it into this smooth jazz sort of uh you hear the song and you start moving your head like those dudes and night at the roxbury it's just it's one of the worst the harmonies uh got to get you into my life but it's fucking horrible and it's no excuse because it's a big it's a fucking like 27 black guys were in earthwind and fire you would think one of them would be like hey this kind

of sucks you know how the hell did we pull this off this sounds like somebody white did a cover of this that's how fucking awful it was all right anyways that was the uh that's the podcast for this week sorry if it was a little bit late this week but uh once again all you have to do if you want to get the podcast is uh you know what you have to do listen to the beginning of this podcast god damn it i've already told you you go to itunes uh click on advance this is on a mac you go down scroll two down to the subscribe podcast then you type in www.billbird.com slash podcast and you're in and you got them all and they're gonna be here from till the end of fucking time all right that is it god bless all of you thanks for listening to the podcast

and i'll talk to you next week when i'm out in boston all right bye you are my dream come true you you are my paradise you are my dream come you