Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-30-19

Episode Date: May 30, 2019

Bill rambles with comedian Steve Byrne about the early days of comedy, getting into fights, and his new documentary.

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We're recording this thing. I don't know what we're going to put this on. I might just do a special episode, because now I'm already thinking that people are going to be like, well, how come you didn't talk any Stanley Cup final fucking action here? I have with me one of my favorite people, one of my great friends in this business since the late fucking 90s. He has a new documentary coming out on the All Things Comedy Network about the amazing Jonathan called Always Amazing. The wonderful, talented Mr. Steve Byrne. Thank you. Thank you, William. You like that? Can you follow that intro? Did I go too big?

I think you hit the sweet spot. And I got to tell you, I was thinking about this on the way over. You are part of the two greatest events I ever had, because I grew up playing hockey. Oh, all right. You and I played. You can actually play. I'm fun to skate around. I make you look good out there, Steve. You can play.

We played at the United Center together in Chicago. Yeah. And we had the whole ring to ourselves. And then you and I got to play in the Mario Lemieux fantasy camp. Well, back up, Vince Vaughn set that up, the big Chicago guy. Yeah. And I'm in business with Vince doing efforts for family. Sure.

Because of you. Because you introduced me to Vince. Well, I remember he, oh God, I remember one night. It was like when I kind of moved, I think you had just moved here or something. Yeah. And it was down the improv and he had come out to see you set. And you actually, most LA people would try to hoard that connection. Be like, this, this A-list movie star is mine, right?

And you were like, hey, man, I'm doing a spot tonight. If you want to come down on the show, you asked because I wasn't even on that show. Yeah. You said I'm bringing Vince down. You should meet him and say hello. Yeah. And through that, I took a meeting with them. And that's when I was totally disgruntled.

It was weird. I had moved to LA and I was completely over Hollywood because I could never get anything. And you had just moved here? Yeah. Yeah. That didn't take too long. That's me. That's me.

No, no, no. I was already over it. I was just like, I'm coming out here and I'm just going to do parts on other people's things. Right. Because my things do not get picked up and then you get into a deal and then they just take you. It takes you out of play. Well, he's in a deal. We can't, you know, we would be second position to his project and no one wants to be that.

So then your pilot wouldn't get picked up. You weren't in anything and you just, you were another year older. So I was just like, fuck this. Yeah. So that's when I took the meeting with Vince's company with Peter Billingsley and he goes, what do you got? And I go, nothing. What do you got?

And he was like, all right. I go, dude, none of my shit gets picked up. Everything's considered misogynistic, homophobic, fucking something else phobic. As you're saying it, they're probably going ding, ding, ding, ding. You're in the club. Yeah. And it's just like every fucking thing that I do is like, was labeled. So unless I had a, it's, it get gotten to the point.

This is pre me too. Sure. Yeah. It was like, what if I had a guy come out with his junk tucked between his thighs? Okay. We like that. It was so fucking. And this whole fucking thing that they say women don't have power in Hollywood.

I've, I, I never met a man. I met one or two male casting directors. I never got to that level of, you know, the Harvey Weinstein guy wanting to watch you take a shower, whatever fucking level that is. I, or what you watch him take a shower. I never got to that level. I never did. Dude, casting director, I'll tell you this, this, when I first moved here, I never forgot

this because I think you and I somewhat have an Irish temper. But I got it. Oh yeah, dude, I'm going to therapy for my temper right after this. I got a Korean and Irish too. So the, you know, the Koreans are the Irish of Asia. I don't know if you've ever heard that. Is that real? You know, it's like it's a, we love whiskey.

We love fighting. We love, we love booze and we love storytelling. We're the funnest ones to hang out with in Asia. We love potatoes and cabbage. We hate the sun. It's like all these. Now the Chinese and Japanese people agree with this. Do they, they, they have to give it up to the Koreans.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, K-pop entertainers are always the big ones. They're, you know, it's all the Asian stars or. Would you say you have the most flavor as the young kids saying it's. I can't even say that. You, you could never, like even like Timberland. I cringe when I have to say that. It's like, can I just say Timberland?

But I, but anyways, I, when I first moved here, I was driving to this audition and this, this fucking bitch in this Mercedes would not like, like let me through or whatever. And then finally we get to this light and she's jocking for position. I'm jocking for position where get off the 405. We go to this light and I just roll mine. I went on like, fuck you, you fucking bitch. And she goes, fuck you. You piece of shit.

So when 10 minutes later, I, I signed in the audition. I signed in everything. I opened up the door. She's the cast and director. Oh no. You open up the door. I just go, have a good day. And I just shut the door, got my car and I was like, did she recognize you?

Oh yeah. Yeah. She knew, she knew what I knew as soon as I opened it. I just like, I just looked at it. I was like, fuck it. Yeah, but you know something, I love that you owned it and didn't fucking do the audition because my dumb ass would have done it. I would have, I would have gone through with the wacky next door neighbor.

Hey dude, talk more about some of the like Asia stuff because it's never covered over here and I did some gigs over there and was like fascinated where I literally felt I went to an alternate universe where you go over there. There's first of all, there's way more people. Yeah. It's this entirely different part of the world that is doing just fine without fucking western culture or any of that. And when we never talk, I go over there, own airlines, own doctors, the whole fucking

thing. Like you, you grow up like reading our history and you feel like in less, in less, you know, Europeans or yeah, or white Americans or somehow have their hand on it. It either doesn't count or it won't work or whatever. And I went over there and I fucking loved it. I felt like I went to another planet. Yeah. Just the cars are a little smaller and the vending machines are a little shorter.

But yeah, but you go over there. You know what? This is like the perfect example, right? So Hollywood's been around forever and then they have crazy rich Asians, right? And it's celebrated. Like it's a good movie, right? Right. I don't think it's great.

Like the same way I think Black Panther is. It's a good movie. I don't think it's amazing. It's not. I was doing a bit on that. How scared white Hollywood was that they nominated that for best picture. You got it. It was good.

It was good. I don't think that's up there with the godfather and raging bull. No. So this thing comes out and I was like, oh my God, isn't this great? Didn't we do a good job? And then you know where that movie bombed? Fucking China. Because they're like, yeah, guys, we do this shit all the time.

No. And they have incredible movies over there. Yeah. Because Bobby Lee, Bobby Lee told me like I had to stop asking Bobby Lee because Bobby Lee just watches. He's the one who told me about Old Boy. Oh, Old Boy. Yeah.

And then the audition. Audition's crazy. It's disgusting. Yeah. Each of the killer and all that stuff. It's not scary as much as it's just disturbing. Very disturbing. Yeah.

Like you can't kind of shake it. So don't, if you're already fucked up there, they're going to, people listening are going to watch them. But yeah. But this is how my little understanding of Asia, it seems like Japan is the white people of Asia where they feel like they are the top of the food chain and they are the everything that they do is the greatest and they try to take everybody over. But that also seems because of them geographically, they're on an island and they're kind of like

they've kind of like they can't grow out anymore. Yeah. What's fucked up about them is, do you know they had a war with Russia last century and one and when they claim their land, all the white countries like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Give it back. That's sort of the prequel to them Pearl Harbor and all of that, like cause anytime a white country would do that to another white country, another white country, you got the spoils of victory and they won.

Yeah. It seems like they played for fucking USC with Pete Carroll and like, nah, nah, nah, give me, give me, give me that Iceman Trophy back. Give me, what are you talking about dude, I got fucking, I ran for those yards, nah, nah, nah, nah. Well, yeah, I think like Koreans are, cause I know, you know, China, like, like, we think like, you know, we spent time in New York City obviously and you think Manhattan, New York City, you know, if you can make it there, you can make it.

You go to any of these cities, like you go to Beijing, you go to, you know, anything and it's like, it absolutely dwarfs Manhattan. Manhattan is absolutely, it's almost like Manhattan becomes like a block comparatively to these other cities. Hong Kong was like that. Yo, I was driving to the airport and I was seeing clusters of Manhattan. It seemed like that were apartment complexes. Now, dude, let's, let's be honest here.

It's an environmental disaster over there as far as how many fucking people there are. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Great people. Not saying anything bad about them, but that you need to get rid of like, I don't know how many. The numbers got to come way the fuck down.

It isn't like when they had the Olympics over there and like China, like nobody could move for three days. So all the dust would settle. Shut the city down and then they, they sent out those rockets to, to like disperse the clouds so that you could have sun to, to get rid of all the smog. Yeah. I was over there. It was crazy.

Yeah. And this is, that's what, well, that's what the fuck. But they're constantly smoking and leaving the car running and just like that 70s truck, you know, the guys smoking and stuff. Yeah. It's got to be a better way. I think eventually, I think they're up against it and they're going to figure it out. That's what I'm hoping.

They're going to be forced to at some point. Yeah. I think at that point where nobody couldn't, if you have to shut down a whole city just to get a clear day, you would think, now that's the thing that I heard about the reason out China's population got the way it was was because Japan kept attacking them and then whoever their leader was, his whole thing was we're going to have so many people that no matter how many you attack, there's always going to be another hundred thousand coming over the hill like this, never ending Braveheart.

They're just like fucking their way to supremacy like you can't fuck with us. Now, let me, is there any truth to that? And this is so ridiculous that you're American, but because you have your half Asian, I feel like you know all of this stuff. I didn't go to Kent State University School in Ohio and study like the history of Asia. I barely know what I know about my folks. You know, I went to Kent State. Yeah.

Oh yeah. Did they have like a little memorial shrine? Some of those kids got, uh, got shot, right? Yeah. Yeah. I was there for, I think it was like the 25th anniversary or so. I don't know which one. Did you ever have the balls to protest anything on that campus?

Did you just think it? No, no. Or did you feel like it's more like if you fly in the same airline that had a plane crash the day before you like, what are the odds? Like what are the odds the National Guard is going to come in and blow away some more students here? Yeah, but I got bad luck. It would be like, the odds are astoundingly incredibly against me.

Why is that? I think it's, I remember when you, I think it's Murphy's law. No, but you were one of those fucking guys. You do a late night set at the comic strip and everyone would have a tough time. Yeah. But you somehow would have the crowd where the guy picks up the chair. Remember he threw it and hit you in the head. You got cut.

Cause I remember they put staples in your head shot at the comic strip, making it seem like you had stitches. Yeah. Then, then, uh, somebody wrote underneath my head shot and said the chairman, the chairman Steve Byrne. Uh, yeah. I don't know. I was at the, uh, I was at the comic strip and this is like another thing I do that's

probably stupid, but I take the onus always on myself, right? And I always say, what could I done better that situation? What happened was I was my birthday, dude was my birthday and I'd worked on this bit. I was so excited to, you know, it was like that, that time of your life where you're just like, I just got to try this bit out and went to the comic strip, 11 o'clock late night and there's all these like Jersey mooks and they, they stand up and they're, they're debating their check while I'm doing my set in front of 10 people and, uh, I go, guys, come on.

Can we just keep it down? I just want to go through this and the guy goes, what are you going to do some kung-fu on me? Okay. Okay. Here we go. Oh, he went racial. Yeah.

He went racial and then. Early. I was like, yeah. Early. It's always racial. And, and then I go, well, thank God the, uh, the Lincoln tunnels open 24 hours and then his girlfriend starts piping in and they're running Jackie Chan shit at me and Jackie Chan or call me Jackie Chan.

This is when I had my Lego head hair when it was just growing out and you guys were shitting on me at the cellar for, for this bouffant of like Asian hair. So you were kind of asking for it. I was asking for it. It was like, I might as well go on stage dressing a leprechaun. I mean, what do you think they're going to say? So this girl starts piping up and she goes, she said something about me being a, I just, I just go, well, somebody, somebody tell that cut to shut up.

I knew this. And this, this bar stool gets chucked, whizzed, bang, hit the back of my head. It just felt like hot tea running down my neck and eight staples in the back of my head later. And I, the cops came to visit me at the, at the hospital and they're like, you should press charges. And I was like, I did it. I should have, I should have handled it better.

It's my own fault. Isn't it amazing though, like how different that time, what year was that? That was probably 99, 2000. How different the world is now where they would be all of this video, oh yeah, you would be considered this victim of racial hate, I hate crime. Yeah. You, your Twitter followers would have gone up by half a million. You would be like, you'd be an arena act.

But now I'm an outcast. But then, no, but, but back then, back then it was just like, if you were Asian, you had to take the fact as a Jackie chair, why don't you go fucking go run with a rickshaw. You had to deal with all that is, and then, and they throw a stool at you. Well, you want to know this, this happened at the comic store. It's always racial at the comic store. Remember the dark days at the store and nobody was going. I don't know if you had been.

Oh yeah. No. And I got to tell you something out of all, like, because everybody says New York, if I can make it there, can make it anywhere, LA is infinitely harder because the thing about New York was I felt I could escape the business where it was just like my neighbor was, you know, whatever was his financial bullshit or, or worked at a gym or like my roommate, like he, he was in the hockey and fucking worked at the rinks in Central Park. He was in a completely different fucking world.

He's an Irish immigrant and he's fucking doing construction over here. It's just everybody is this fucking thing in this thing. And then there was also like the hierarchy where it was like as bad as New York was. I wasn't competing with television and movie stars who were popping in and every night and they would go in and have nothing to say and burn the light for 90 fucking minutes as you sat there bombing because, because they had the TV credit. I was at the store and again, there was maybe 10 people there and this group of Asian kids gets up and walks out as I'm walking on the stage and being introduced.

And there's this dude in the back with four of his buddies is eating chicken wings. He brought his own wings in, right? Uh huh. And he's, and he, before I even hit the mic, he goes, Hey, your friends left. That's funny. That's funny. He goes, your friends left. And as he says it, he's eating chicken wings, he doing that with his fingers, licking the

sauce off and fucking infuriated me. I go, you see, you're saying my friends left because I'm Asian and they're Asian. He goes, yeah, that's what I said. I go, well, maybe I should go outside and catch up with them. Maybe you should meet me. He goes, maybe I will. So he gets up and I get up and I, you know, that you didn't finish his set. I didn't even start it.

I didn't even tell one joke. I get to the corner. This is when I was, I would get hopped up zero to 60 and I just fucking like drilled this guy in the face to drop to the ground and I just start fucking whaling on him like Ralphie in a Christmas story. I'm fucking beating the shit out of this. And this guy, I didn't know this, this guy picks up one of those tables in the back. You know how heavy those things are.

He goes to like swing and hit me with this table. Thank God Brett Ernst saved my life. I'd probably be eating out of a straw in a fucking wheelchair right now. But he, he tackled the guy and took that guy out and then I think one or two other comics came in and subdued their other friends and then they pulled me off the guy and the guy called the cops the next day and was going to threatening to sue and everything. For what? Exactly.

Losing a fight? And then Tommy said, didn't you make fun of him for being Asian? He's like, yeah. So that, that kind of happened too, so it's always like weird ones. Jesus man. Yeah. Well, let's talk about your movie, Steve. Now I see why you went behind the camera here on this one.

Give yourself a break from these MMA matches you had. I've been on the other end of things too, but yeah, yeah. Well, I remember. Yeah. You were, you were having a cab drive. You were getting a steak and cheese. The next thing you know, you had a broken jaw. Had a broken jaw.

Yeah. And then they had to shut down Sullivan and Sun for like six months. Six weeks. And then when anybody breaks their jaw, I go six weeks and athlete, Sidney Crosby broke his jaw. Actually, Sidney Crosby broke his jaw the day I broke my jaw. That's how big a Penguins fan you are. Yeah.

You have that kind of synchronicity. It's like when women's periods line up, it's the same thing. You and Sidney Crosby. Like Bluetooth were syncing up. Yeah. No, the film is always amazing. It's this documentary I did about the amazing Jonathan, great comic magician that was one of the first comics to pop off at Comedy Central when they did those half hours and

they were starting to really get some notoriety. And Jonathan. Oh, I saw that guy from way, way back in the day. Like he, like that. I'm such a huge fan of that guy. And if you never saw the amazing Jonathan, I felt like he was the first guy who really did that whole thing where he just kind of see the trick. It wasn't about the trick necessarily, it was about the trick going bad.

But he added a whole new like sort of spin to that where he had like the whole rock and roll look and Freddy Krueger comedy. Yeah, he looked really like, he did look like you didn't know what the fuck was going to happen. I loved him. Yeah. He's definitely like more of a rock star, but definitely more of a comedian than a magician. And you're right.

Like everything he did, you could almost kind of see it and then sometimes the tricks would go bad. But he just didn't give it like, he was just kind of like this makeshift kind of comic on the fly involved in magic. And he was one of the, when I, when I first went on the road, I did back to back weekends at Charlie Goodnights back in the day. And my first week was Brian Regan and the second weekend was the amazing Jonathan. And I struck up a friendship with him and his road manager, Joel Osborne, who's a huge

Oasis fan and we just bonded over that. So every time I came out here, my first TV court, it was BT's comic view and I crashed at Jonathan's house. I did a few of those. I did, I think I two or three, but so when I think of my first TV set, I think a comic view and then celebrating with those guys and you know, Jonathan went on Vegas headliner and he was given a terminal diagnosis due to cardiomyopathy where it's a degradation of your heart breaking down and his heart's operating, I think at like 60 to 50% capacity

right now. So that combined with a lifelong drug addiction and the fact that he's still a drug addict and diabetes compounded upon that, Jesus Christ, you got, you got to get your affairs in order. That's enough to kill Jim Morrison a couple of times. That's amazing. He's still going. Yeah. So he basically retired from comedy and performing and hung it all up and outlived expectations.

I think due to the fact that he's buying stem cells off the black market in Mexico. And he basically said, you know, like a year ago, two years ago that he wanted to see if he still had it. He was getting tired of waiting around to die. Can I still, can I still perform? Do I still have this? He made a return to stage and did three shows and I thought that's such a great impetus to, to, to follow and what a great trajectory because you get to tell the story of his,

of his, um, of his career. But the heart, I can't wait to fucking see this thing. Well the heart and soul of it really is about Joel Osborne. See when Jonathan, Jonathan's the face of the doc, the heart of the documentary is when he was touring the worldwide. He was like kind of like a Russell Peters back in the day. He was going everywhere. And he met this, this kid, he's 12 years old.

He'd always be backstage and asking for autographs and sneaking in the shows and he just saw this like desire or, you know, fascination with magic and comedy in this kid, Joel Osborne. And so he, he basically took him under his wing and every year he came back to Australia, Joe would get a little older and he'd give him a little more responsibility. And eventually he was, he was like, uh, like his road manager in Australia and publicizing all the events and putting posters up everywhere. And getting a cut of this and selling the magic kit in Australia. And eventually when Joel turned 18, he said, do you want to be my road manager in the States?

And Joel said, yeah. And eventually Joel, Joel is a guy that's doing meditation. He doesn't drink. He doesn't do drugs. And this kid, it comes out to Vegas and is negotiating million dollar deals with these casinos and Jonathan's this drug addict and throwing this 18 year old kid in the middle of this crazy fucking scenarios and Joel's like, you know, he tells us, this is beyond a doc.

This is a good movie. You go to the golden nugget and you tell those motherfuckers, Jonathan wants 2.5. You tell me to shove it up your fucking ass and walk out to it slam the door and Joel's like, I guess so. And so Joel goes in and, and Joel's very diplomatic and he got everything Jonathan wanted in a very serene kind of way. And so two people on paper should never be in each other's lives, develop this great fraternal relationship.

And Joel basically became his like caretaker. He saw him through a suicide attempt. He saw him through drug addiction and he basically got Jonathan in a great place in his life and eventually said, okay, I'm going to go off and become a comedian on my own. And Joel went to Australia and became a comic. And this is about these two reuniting for one last tour and being on stage together. And this is on all things comedy. This sounds like it's going to win an award.

Well, I, you know, we've gone through the gauntlet with this thing and all things comedy and soapbox have been nothing but kind to us and helps in terms of to make a film. To make a film like this, it takes a lot of money and I did it all out of my own pocket. Quite a bit money, quite a lot of money in a hole on this thing. But soapbox said, you know, I talked to the guys at all things comedy. They said, Hey, maybe we can help you get the finishing funds for this and finish the film. And so they sweetened it for us with color and sound, got it together.

And when we were looking for a distribution partner, we thought, let's go to all things comedy. And it worked out perfectly. So beautiful. It's just, I think it's a perfect platform for it. Given the content. We're a nice company, Steve. You're a great company.

Over there. She had an idea. She's shooting something right now. Shooting a pilot. Really? Yeah. I went over there. It was actually good.

She was doing that because we had a little dust up last night. As we do. You know, it's funny, dude. Nah, she came walking in and she was wearing this purple sweater and she looked beautiful. And I was just saying, that's how I ended up with her. I could just never break even in my fantasy of breaking up with her. I would, when she walked away, I would get sad and I would still get, I'll get back in here.

Come back. Nah, no. She's, you know, whatever. I was right though. Last night. I was right. But you know, that goes Monday, Monday, when you're right, dude. Here come the tears.

Here it comes. Yeah. And then you become wrong. Yeah. Um, probably not a good thing to say, you know, in those moments, like, can you get your emotions and check, you know, those, yeah, it's probably not good to go fucking Bud Grant head coach on them at that point, but I'm learning things. Yeah.

I'm learning things. So anyway, sorry, we got off track there. How long you've been working on this thing? Cause these things like, they take forever. Well, the thing for me is I was doing two at the same time. I, I, I basically did this just to do it. Just I'd never done a doc. I love docs, but I knew enough about story narrative that I was like, I think I could

tell the story. And I know these guys so well and I know exactly the story I want to tell. So when I did the interviews, it was six to eight hours with Jonathan and six to eight hours with Joel, but I knew exactly what to ask them, you know, getting the content was different, getting all the archival footage and converting the archival footage. That's a whole nother process. So you would, and you were doing this while you were writing that movie, I did a part in it for you last year.

Yes. And that thing's coming out like, dude, who's working harder than you? Well, no wonder I haven't seen you in the clubs in a minute. You've been buried in a writer's room and in the editing, huh? Yeah. I basically wrote the feature on the road while I was kind of, I'd come back Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, edit the documentary, go on the road Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and write this feature film just as an exercise to see if I could do it.

Well, and then do shows at night and do shows at night because I basically thought I had Sullivan and son on the air. I was the second Asian American ever to have a sitcom and nobody gave a flying fuck. Who was the first Margaret Margaret show? And there wasn't another one. After that, after that, I was the second one, then came like fresh off, then came Dr. Ken and fresh off the boat. I know what that is because hers didn't work and they were like, you see, yeah, to hell

with these 10 million, billion people. Exactly. Yeah. That's what happened with redheads being leads in movies. That guy from fucking NYPD blew after one season walked and he did Jade and one other movie and they didn't do well and they were just like, see, this is why the redhead male will never be a lead in a fucking movie ruined everything for you. He put us on the bench.

Yeah. He put us, he put us back into Richie Cunningham world. The guy from Billions is bringing you back. Who's that guy? The dude from Billions. He's redhead. He's a ginger, right? Whoa.

Like a UK actor. He was in the band of brothers. He was one of the leads in band of brothers. I'm not talking ensemble cast. I'm saying the fucking film is on your freckled shoulders. There's a certain... You know what I call it? I call it Hollywood head.

Every once in a while, let's see. That guy has a Hollywood head. It's the fucking brown of jet black hair with the cowlick, the Superman haircut look with the square fucking jaw. If you had blue eyes in that, that fucking guy is a lead. I don't care if he can act. He's a fuck. He will be...

Listen, I just want to run my food truck. Get out of that thing. It's the start of the movie. I can't tell you dude, it was so... They got big facial features too. Those people look weird in real life. You know what I mean? They got giant fucking heads.

They look like they were drawn. They look good on screen. They look good on screen, yeah. I got a big enough head. I just didn't have the right pigment. I can't tell you like back in the day it was fucking hilarious. My first time I came out here, this is way back when they had black and white head shots, which I remember you were one with the staples and it was black and white, so it don't even

act like you're fucking not as old. But you were said Billy Bird, didn't it? I went by William at first. Then Bill, then Billy, then back to Bill. I finally just had to... Because I was trying to find... Because everyone was saying like, you got a weird last name. I got sucked into that showbiz thing.

And then finally I was just like, my name's Bill, fuck it. But I don't mind if you call me Bill, Billy or William, as long as you're fucking calling me. I don't give a shit. As long as I'm working. I'm fine. So, I ended up like... I would have like the black and white head shots.

So with the mousse in the hair in the mid to late 90s, it looked like I had hair color like somewhere between yours and mine right now. So it looked like brown hair. So initially on low budget shit, they would try me out. They would just look at my credits and not look at my tape or whatever and they would say, okay, I mean we'll give this guy a shot at the lead and do, you know, prepare three scenes and I would walk in and the second they saw me be like, we're just going to do the first scene and I knew what it was.

It was just like, I fucking knew it. I knew it. It was this fucking like unwritten rule out here. But I always found it funny because I've always looked at shit like that going like, I know where I'm going. This is just, you know, like when you, back in the day, Lucian, where you have enough white guys and then I was just like, I know what he's saying. I know what he's saying.

I would just... I remember your first head shot. I used to see it at stand-up New York. You never saw my first head shot. Not your first official one, but you were tilted sideways, you were smiling and you had this great smile on your face and I always thought, because I knew you offstage, I was like, I bet it pained him to like smile, to do that head shot because I can't picture you like, because now your pictures are like, now your pictures are like, they're like you, where

you're more kind of like, well, this is, well, what you saw in that head shot was the smiling me was who I thought I was. Right. I didn't realize. I have this theory that your twenties is all about like, I always say this in the podcast that your twenties, you're just basically taking your childhood out on people. Yeah. You're a good one or a bad one and you don't even know what you're doing, okay?

So if you were raised right, you're doing something good, okay? But if you're, you know, a little off or whatever, then you're hurting people. And somewhere in your thirties, you stop blaming people and you start working on yourself or whatever. And then you're 50, almost 51, you're still in fucking therapy. So what that was was, that's who I was, believe it or not. That smiling kid was who the fuck I was when I felt safe, all right? But when you saw me around there, this whole fucking guarded thing that you see, that's

all that is. That's just like favorite stories because, because I get asked this when I go every now and then like people know I'm pals with you or starting New York with you and you go do these radios. I love it. A couple of fellas to the radio shows and they're like, what's, what's burl like? And I always say we used to go to Yankee games together. We'd go to sporting events together.

I went to a million Yankee games. I just sat there rooting against them. While appreciating what, especially the 98 Yankees is the best fucking team I ever saw. So this is 2001. Uh-huh. No, this is probably 2000. Oh, you're the one who did the bus tour.

The bus gig was 2001. I still get shit for that and I never did it and they gave me so much shit for doing that bus gig that I never, I told them I didn't do it, but I never gave your name up. I never told. And I remember you were telling me you're like, I will never, you said, don't say it because you'll get shredded for the rest of your life if you tell anybody. They did a headlining set. It was old school, 45 minutes upstairs at the cellar, Patrice, Kevin, Vos, Norton, Keith,

all the killers were there. They did on a fucking hour on what my bus gig was going to be like, trashing me. And dude, it was so fucking, they crushed me so hard. Strangers were listening and laughing or worse. There was a couple of women going, oh, because they were looking at my, I had nothing. I got fucking. So you gave me this gig. The gig was basically you go on a bus and like from midtown to Yankee Stadium, you had

to do standup comedy. These guys from Atlanta had come up. It was the Braves. It was the second time the brace. It was 99. Is that right? No. What the fuck was 2001 World Series, dude?

2001. This is Arizona. This is Arizona. It was Arizona. Arizona pitch. Okay. So the Arizona dime overseas, these are fans from Arizona and they had rented a party bus to go from their hotel up to the fucking Yankee Stadium and they wanted a comedian in that

fucking traffic. I can't imagine how much time you had to do to do standup and in return, you got a World Series ticket. And I was just like, dude, I'll fucking, cause I'll bomb. I'll just sit there. All I gotta do is shit on the Yankees for an hour. I can do that for fucking a day. I'll take the ticket and I'll fucking leave.

But then you took it and you couldn't do it. You said, here's the opportunity, do it, but don't tell anybody. They teased me out of it. You know what it was? It wasn't even the trashing. Yeah. It was the pounding that I took and they all left and I was just sitting there like a punch drunk fighter and trees sat down next to me in this fatherly way.

He said, Bill, I will stand in front of that bus before I let you do that gig. If you want to go to a World Series, buy a ticket. Yeah. You got the money. And it was the first time I ever thought like, well, I think I've earned some sort of self esteem as a comedian because you come up every, it's just one impossible situation after another that you start to get institutionalized that dude, I remember one time I went to do this gig at a, it was called a birth, a private gig birthday party.

I think Linda Rowe booked it or something. She booked this fuck. I love her. She booked me at this thing. I think it was her. It was Roger Paul, one of those two. Yeah. And I went there and what it was, was it wasn't a birthday party.

It was an Irish guy getting deported because he got caught for fucking helping out the IRA. And I just remembered he went up first and I don't know who he was talking about. Probably Margaret Thatcher or one of the English cunts and he was like, I got fucking two words for him and it's not happy birthday. And the whole place goes like goes nuts and they all marched up to the bar and started drinking and only the women were there not paying attention. I was standing there.

Fortunately, it was two other comedians bomb others fucking prom shows that stand up New York used to book and Dangerfields Dangerfields, you have to do a half hour for the prom shows. Just for people don't know, you, you would show up and these fucking kids in the prime of their lives, they just want to have a good time on a boat and it was on a little boat cruise around the island of Manhattan and they would have the dance music going. They would cut the music and then you had to walk out into the middle of the dance floor and start doing stand up fucking comedy. I did one crew.

One was good. I put them in a room and I had like a chance like, dude, I can't even remember the gigs. They were that traumatic. They just sort of like flashes and then you would bomb and then you're on this boat. You can't leave. I wish Patrice would have stood in front of that boat. I don't want to let you lie. Dude, I used to hide down by the engine room and then you had to make, then you had to

make the decision as the boat was pulling in. Do I try to get first in line and feel them staring at the back of my head or do I hide here like a rat and wait for him to get off? The first time I hid like a rat and right as I thought they'd all left, there was just one of them walked off. So I was just black. I remember he just looked at me. I can't do that.

It's a face. He just looked at me kind of pursed his lips and just slowly shook his head as he was looking at me. And he was looking at me like, man, I don't know what the fuck you were thinking that you'd ever be good at this shit. So that's why I said yes to the buck because I was just like, I've already done gigs way worse than this bus story and I'm getting a world series ticket out of this. I'm actually pissed at myself that I didn't do the gig.

Why did it? And thank you for it. Because I got to see George Bush throw the opening pitch out and it was he nailed it too. He nailed it. Yeah. It was after 9 11. It was like a euphoric kind of vibe in the stadium.

The rest of the world. We had we had empathy towards us before. Everybody kind of liked us then and felt we were victims and then I forget who but this pop fly comes up and this guy and this kid go for it and this guy catches the ball. This kid's kind of like still standing there and the guys turn around waving the ball and everybody in our section starts pulling this guy. Give the kid the ball. Give it to a kid.

Give it to a kid. Give it to a kid. You start Chan. I start Chan. Give it to the kid. The whole sections. Give it to it. It's starting to spread.

All the sections neighbor and give it to the kid and this guy's getting pounded. People are not letting up. It's going on for two minutes, three minutes. And eventually the guy stands up and he turns around and he makes a fucking production. He holds the ball out so everybody can see any hands into the kid, right? And the kid stands up. Everybody claps. You go, you're fucking caved.

You should have kept the ball and everybody start laughing. You go, smoke this. Everybody else is smoking it and then everybody starts pounding this guy and you're on their own insults. About peer pressure. It was so fucking funny. Everybody was dying laughing. It was the only time I saw a comic get like laughs at a stadium from the crowd.

I've always killed at stadiums. I always killed the stadiums and there was a thing. I had this weird fucking, this weird, I would become a different person when I went to a game for a while. Yeah. But this is before I was known because now they're like, oh, that's that jerk off from Comedy Central. So now it's not fun.

But before anybody knew who I was, I would go into a stadium, dude, I would be on the road. I used to embarrass Paul Verzi. One time I got, I don't know, I would just become completely uninhibited and it was just all about making my section laugh and trying to have like a good set. And this is before all those flat screen TVs came in and killed the class clown at the sporting event because now everybody's just sits there staring at him. Yeah.

Yeah. So I was at this, this game. It was the dolphins versus the bang, bangles. And I was yelling all of this shit. You got to be bored. You got to be yelling shit during that camera. And I, but I want to go to all the stadiums. So, and which I basically have, I got six left in the four major, but then I found out

some rich guys already done it the fucking cunt. So I was trashing the dolphins because they were right in front of us and I was doing such a good job and they were all laughing around me and somebody said, Hey, man, get, because it was a close game. Get on their kicker. Get on their kicker. So I just, this guy carpenter and I just focused in on this guy. And this, at this point, they had the flat screen TVs, but it was the bangles who were

like barely in the NFL, you know, their stadium and shit. So it's just like, they don't have like a lot of like crazy shit going on. So I started in on this guy carpenter, where's he always starts your a liability. And I had to make sure that he didn't curse cause it was kids around there. And I just started in with this guy and I swear to God, I was yelling shit about him getting his, it's not too late to get your real estate license. And I was talking about his career after football and I swear to God, he picked up his T in the net and he moved all the way down to the other side.

And I am convinced I want to believe it was cause of the shit I was talking. I mean, the guy's, the guy's still a great career. Then he went up, but it was funny cause I never forgot his name. Then I saw him in like Buffalo. I'm like, Oh my God, I call Verzi up. There he is carpenter. I did a couple of times. I felt like I got to somebody.

One time I went to a game at old Tiger Stadium or Briggs Stadium as my dad would call it. And I sat in, I wanted to say it was the only stadium that had an upper deck all the way around. So I sat in the upper deck, the short porch out in right field and they were, it was an interleague game. They were playing the pirates. So you know, the center field and left field to play catch and the right field was playing catch with like a backup catcher or something.

So he was playing and the guy had just, the guy on right field had just hidden an inning ending double play. And I started in on him about how they, you know, you do shit like that. That's how you get sent down to the minors. You're on the pirates. You're barely into the league in the league. And, you know, and it's a short porch. I'm hanging over this guy yelling and dude, he threw his next pitch, his next throw

and I swear to God it sailed like eight feet over the guy's fucking head. And then I felt bad. Then I felt bad. You're the cooler. No. I was just like, Hey, dude, I was just fucking with you, man. I mean, I'm just trying to break you. I don't even give a fuck about the tigers.

I'm just, I'm just being an asshole. I had a buddy of mine. He got somebody at Fenway Park one time. He was yelling at the relief pitcher and he was screaming. All of this shit at this guy and this guy is just stone faced. Not acknowledging any of it. And then finally just quiet, got quiet and my buddy just goes, I know you can hear me. Right.

And the guy broke into a big smile and just started fucking laughing. He just started fucking laughing. And then the whole section laughed and liked the guy. Yeah. Yeah. That's, you know, that was, it's actually a convenience. Ira Proctor, Boston guy. Yeah.

Yeah. I know you can hear me. One of my favorites, something like that is, um, I did this college years ago and screech was just coming on the comedy scene. Diamond, right? Screech. Yeah. Dustin Diamond.

Dustin Diamond. Not to be confused with Michael Diamond. I got booked at this, um, you know, this college campus. And so we were double booked. So like, you know what, Steve, why don't you open and screech will, Dustin Diamond will close the show. What fucking time is that? Make sure I don't miss this shit.

What time? 12.35. Oh, we're fine. Oh, we started early. Okay. We're fine. We're fine. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, this is a good payday. There's colleges back in the day. So they put us in this big campus theater or whatever. It's like 5,000 kids and I go up and I'm like, I'm like, you know, if Dustin Diamond's going after me, I'm going to bury this fucker. So I just, I pull out all the fourth of July fireworks, you know, do 20, I like my best like hard hidden seller stuff and he goes, you tried to bury a childhood child star.

Cause I was just kind of like pissed at the time. I'm like, I was still kind of like, you know, you were taking your childhood out on him. Didn't he have enough? You know, you know, his residuals, he's not making shit. It's a huge, it's okay. So you try to bury. But you know, like back in the day when you were a little younger and this guy's coming

off the TV credits and it's like, fuck it. Okay. So, so yeah, you're probably right. But anyways, I go up, do my thing and then Screech goes up and I, you know, you get that grace applause, five minutes, it starts to dissipate and eventually it's just silent and it's like that, that scene in Andy Kaufman's movie, the Jim Carrey one, where he's doing that college and slowly people are walking out of the amphitheater and stuff. I kind of felt bad and I was going to say, then how'd you feel, Steve?

I felt really bad. I felt bad. They all have those moments and it's silent. It's quiet. He just did a joke. The pops and just absolute pure silence. Just you could hear a pin drop and then just way in the back from a rafter in the back, you just hear, fuck you Screech and I fucking couldn't stop laughing.

I don't think I've ever laughed harder because it echoed. You know, it was just so quiet and it was just way up and I was fucking in tears crying so hard. It was one of the worst like moments where somebody just said something at the right time. It's crushing. It's fucking so crushing. And then you see all that shit that he ended up doing, then he's got to grow the beard.

He's got to try to seem edgier. He did porn. That kid probably drove him to porn. He did porn. That fucking Screech I bet still echoes in his head to this day and it made him do porn. And this is the thing. That was actually respect. He just wanted to be the guy I yelled, fuck you Screech, it's Screech.

That's what it becomes. That's his, that's his Twitter handle. Hey, speaking of that, did you, as far as like dealing with like people knowing who you are, did you see that documentary on Bill Murray yet? No. Is this documentary this kid made about, uh, Tell us Bill about Bill Murray. Yeah.

Like seeing, it was all these urban myths about, you know, hey, we were playing kickball and all of a sudden Bill Murray showed up and played three innings and then he was just disappeared or he showed up at our house party started French fry, no one believed this. Yeah. Yeah. All of that shit. So he was investigating it and all this type of stuff. But like when you watch it, it's just this fascinating thing to see.

It's the combination of him like living in the moment and then also, uh, dealing with how famous he is. I feel that it's just like, I'm going to go on the offensive here and be like so open and normal. It's going to freak you out. And then we're going to meet in the middle where I'm just a guy named Bill. It's fucking fascinating. It's like mental judo.

He flipped it on you. Yeah. Yeah. And then by the time you figure it out, he's gone and then you realize I didn't even ask him for an autograph. Yeah. Yeah. So he actually gets like, like, I feel like this is what he does so he can have a normal

existence. You know, one time I was flying on a little fucking puddle jumper over to South Carolina and he's a part owner in a minor league team there and he was on my flight and dude, he, I missed him by one seat. Oh yeah. Opposite row opposite of the aisle, the two-seater and he sat on the other side of the two-seat on the window. Yeah.

So I couldn't hear what he was saying, but he talked to that other guy, the whole fucking flight. Oh, really? Oh, that's awesome. And I was just like, fuck. I was almost there. Do you ever want to be that guy? I never, I always hated that.

Like, I never wanted to like, like if I was sitting next to Bill, I don't know if I'd say anything. I, I, I, you know, I might, no, no, I, I never, I never. You know what it is, what I find with people at that level is if you somehow know what their hobby is, they'll talk to you all fucking day long. But if you go at them and talk to them about what it is, they've done press junkets around the fucking world. Yeah.

The same 20 questions and variations of them. And it's just like, and, you know, how perfect reference, Groundhog Day. And like he made that movie. So yeah, like guys, you know, I also have no, I don't have a desire to get to be that level of being known. Yeah. Where you're just like, his life is just constantly, this is such a weird thing to say, but being bombarded with compliments that you can't get out of it.

And then you can't leave. I love you. You know, you don't understand. Oh, thank you. I appreciate it. No, you don't understand. Yeah. You don't understand.

It's just, this is just in there. We're not letting go of his hand. And it's just like, you get my aunt Vicky. You don't get. Get a picture. Can you, can you leave a voice message on my, oh, my stupid phone's not on. And then, and then he walks another half a foot. Oh my God, I'm the biggest.

And it just becomes that. Yeah. No, it was on video. Yeah. Fucks it. Yeah. No. And you see it.

And you see those, whenever I see those people, there's a sadness. Oh dude, you know what's the worst? Cause they're walking around. It's like they're like this fucking, they're like a monument. It's like you become like a thing. You're not even like a fucking person anymore. You're a zoo exhibition. Yeah.

When I go out with Vince, and like, especially when we're in Chicago, we walk around. I'm the guy people just hand a camera to you and just go take this. And then he handles it really well. He's really good at it. He's good at it. He's great. But, but then they, but he likes people. I think you just like people.

I think you have to like people. But if you're like your fucking curmudgeon like me, I don't think I, yeah, I like I'm acting like this is an option to get that fucking big. And I just, when I look at it, like that's something when you get into the business, you think, Oh, I want to win an Oscar and I'm going to direct a fucking movie and I'm going to fucking, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. And then you, when you get in it, first of all, you see how fucking hard it is.

And then secondly is you, when you actually start to see what that thing is, you kind of, I looked at, I was just like, Oh, it's creepy. Yeah. You can't eat. You can't go. Now, now with those fucking, like everybody's, it's like Jake or Hoover, everybody's got like a fucking camera. Like I was saying what you do, the fact that they came at you and could just stay, fuck

you, Jackie chair, you're fucking Asian, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then through a chair, you, there's no evidence of it. And then they just walked out and nothing happened. Nothing happened. But like these days, they'd be fired from the night shift at Best Buy. You know, it's like that's like, oh, shots fired there. I saw what you just did there. I saw what you did there.

Yeah. That, that would be like the thing, but um, well, Jesus, you know what Steve, I don't know. This has been fucking great just to go back. It's funny how we go down memory lane and there was like, no, they were just all brutal stories. That's what I always, that's what I was. The worst story that ever happened to me, you always said it's the meanest thing you've

ever seen. Oh, Bobby. That's an L audition with Bobby Kelly. That's the worst. I think if we, if we close it out, you know, we, we tell people that years ago, the Patrice O'Neill roast, it was a Patrice O'Neill roast. Which was the purest and greatest fucking roast I ever saw. Unfortunately, I got to be a part of it because it wasn't for anybody else.

It was for us. I know now I think there's tapes of it, you know, everything ends up online now. But like, uh, it was, it was at the old Boston comedy club and the amount of people that showed up because they finally wanted to see somebody shut Patrice up because he had trashed all of us. Industry there. Everybody. Yes.

That's what happened. So Bobby went, you can tell this fucking story was, I, I got, I was married. I was married. He's going to get mad on some level that we're telling this story though. I was managed by barricades at the time. I don't fuck Bobby. Last time I, I love Bobby, by the way, there's no way not to love Bobby Kelly, but you always get to a fuck Bobby and then he, he just, I don't, he charms you.

The last time I saw him in New York city, he's like a big, safe Bernard, there's something about him. He goes, take your ball cap off. I go, okay. You still got hair. And he walked away. He was upset that at my age, I still, he wanted me to be bald and then he'd be happy. Like that's, that's who Bobby is, you know, I know, but you have to understand the sadness

behind that. So anyway, very cats manages me. He's like, Hey, I got you. Well, is this before or after you became a dad? Cause he's a different guy now. Before. Yeah. No, now he's, now he's like, Bobby.

He saw Bobby now. He's good. He's Santa Claus, Bob. He's the Bobby we always want. We always knew he could be. Yeah. He is now. I will say this about Bob.

He has been 11 different people since I've met him and each, in each version has been a better Bobby. Yeah. He never went in the worst direction. Yeah. He definitely maybe stylistically with clothes for a while. Remember when he moved out to LA and he was starting to look at a little cholo? Yeah.

A little. Yeah. I don't know what happened. He, he came out here and he, he lost. He was performing at Kinson years for a good year, I think. So I remember Keith said that he said, Bob move out to LA as a Puerto Rican. He came back a fat Mexican. We got it.

Bill, we got to get him out of LA. It's killing him. Katz gets me this like audition at SNL, but, but not like the audition where you go. You got to put yourself on tape. So it's three characters, three impersonations. This is like, again, probably like late nineties, early 2000s, cell phones are not out. Nobody has that tech. I remember that was a cattle call to try the next, to find the next young hot talent to

be on SNL and you had to put yourself on tape. So you borrowed Bobby Kelly's camera, video camera. He's very tech savvy and I borrowed his camera and I put it, I put a DV tape in there and let it run for an hour. I just sat in front of the camera and just let it run instead of stopping and starting. I was like, I'll just edit out, I'll just edit the, and get the best parts and that'll be my tape. So I give Bobby the, the camera back and I give him, I leave the tape and I go, feel

free to tape over it. You forgot the tape was in. No, you left. I left the tape in there. I go, just tape over it. Cause those are kind of expensive at the time. Jesus Christ, Steve, did you know what you were dealing with? I thought you, I thought you forgot it was in there.

No, I'm a trusting person. So I gave him, it was like a three pack. So I gave him two extra tapes. I said, Bobby Kelly invented the dark web. He's the man. Yeah. Yeah. Whenever they do the documentary on the dark web, he's like, he's like a cataclysmic moment

in the dark web and you left that, so you, oh, I always thought, I thought you forgot it was in there. No, no, no. I, I left it in there. I go, just, I just, I'm having less sympathy. You know who he was. I can tape over it. So he, what he does is at the Patrice roast, he doesn't even prepare material.

No, no, no. You got to wait. You're telling us too fast. He fucking uploaded. I was going to tell people. Yeah. He put it on his computer and then kept it. Oh yeah.

Kept all of it for like a year waiting for the perfect time to unveil it. Yeah. And then he, he edited together the worst, the absolute worst part, me talking to myself, the most embarrassing things you singing, Duncan, Shane, I was doing weight Newton, because he had a Bud Light commercial at the time. Dude, let me tell you something. Even the best version of that was probably horrific. Yeah.

The worst version of it was absolutely abysmal and probably ensured why I never worked in New York City. Probably after that. But he took it, edited together this awful presentation of my as audition and instead of doing material, he wheeled out a TV with the video tape and put the VCR tape in and you were there. This is what he did. He went up and he tried a few jokes that only did okay and he was like, fuck yeah, you

mind that package. And then he started telling a story of how you left this tape in and you have to see it. It's so bad. And it made no sense because you weren't there. I was emceeing at the comedy cellar. So yeah, we weren't roasting you. And then he put it in, dude.

It was so fucking bad that the meanest people in stand up. I remember sitting next to the late great Greg Gerald on. We were going, shut it off, turn it off, Bobby, shut it off. And that was the end of his set. And I remember, dude, I came over to the cellar and I saw you, I saw you, dude, shoulders slumped and I came over, I said, I go, Hey, man, I think I apologize. I said, sorry about that. And you said, I'll never forget it.

You looked, you barely looked up to me, you're like, surprise, you're even talking to me. And I tried to tell Bobby afterwards. Now this is Bobby five versions ago. The new Bobby, new Bobby wouldn't do this. Bobby's like a fucking iPhone. Daddy Bobby wouldn't do this. Yeah, not, not daddy Bobby, but this is, this is, this is post cholo Bobby. He's like an iPhone.

Every version gets better. I'm telling you, he's, he's a better person than I am right now. And I'm not just saying that. Like he's a fucking amazing dude now. But back then dark web, dark web Bob, I tried to explain to him going, Bob, man, you have to explain. And he was going, he said the fuck, I know it wasn't you. He was like, he was, but I think going back that maybe it was starting to enter that he

did something fucked up. But the thing about Bob is though, is you just talk to him and you hear how he was brought up and it's just like, Oh, no, I get it. Cause I, he was the Bobby Kelly was the first guy I ever met whose line was further down the street than mine. Cause you know that thing, you know, all the black comics tried to teach the white comics how to sit around and you know, bust balls as we called it. Like I remember me and Bob where we lived in that game, never got a laugh.

People were like, God damn Jesus, Bill shit. They would just make fun of your shirt and we lived in, yeah, at least my mom isn't dead. Yeah. Like, and it's just, there wasn't a joke. It was just, it was fucking mean. And he was the only guy I met. I mean, Bob, you have to do a fucking, I might do a, I'm back to this, this, uh, summer. If I got a chance to go up and do his podcast with Bobby, yeah, if we talk about when we

were actually roommates, two of the most damaged fucking lunatics ever, we still had a ton of fun. Do you know what he did one time? This is so fucking funny. And I was so fucking mad at him now, but I just think of how like, why did I care? This is so funny. He had, first of all, he was like, you know, he was a street kid. So if anybody left anything on the fucking sidewalk, he would bring it in like couches.

I was like, Bob, there's probably bedbugs and fucking like fucking HIV on that. They get this thing, the fucking, nah, dude, I fucking steam clean it, dude. So somebody had left like the prototype for a stair master on the sidewalk, dude. And when I tell you this thing was bare, like, you ever see like, you know, you ever look at an, like a really old car where, where like you open the hood and you look down and you can see your driveway, you know what I mean? There's like, there's just bare minimal parts. This was the stair master version of this.

So we were in this thing where we were trying, we were like having this war, which is so dumb to do this with Bob because Bob's going to win. And it was just basically, he fucked with my computer. I fucked with his computer. He fucked with my food. I'm fucking with his food. And whatever I did, I'd gotten them last. These fucking practical jokes.

And we're doing this in a railroad apartment where, where I had a walk-through. Bedroom and he slept in the living room. That's where we lived. It was like fucking, you ever see those, those things where they stick a tiger and a lion and a pit to see what happens? And they just kill each other. That's what the fuck happened. So he's on this fucking stair master.

And I had an audition for Conan O'Brien, which I know bugged him. Yeah. I know bugged him because no one was appreciating how funny he was because he was considered crass or whatever the fuck it was, right? So he was on this fucking stair master, dude. Okay. And it's a railroad apartment. So where he is in the living room, okay?

Then to the right, there was a little hallway that led into the kitchen. And in that little hallway was a door also to the right that led into the bathroom. So I was on the same side, the same wall that he was on in the bathroom. And he was on that fucking stair master and I got myself all dressed up. I got the moose in my hair that I used to have and I'm all ready to go do my fucking audition at the comic store for Conan O'Brien. And he had been sitting there with, you remember those racquet balls, those blue racquet balls?

He had one of those in his fucking hand and he was on this thing, dude. And when I tell you, like Roger Clemens, I'm coming out of the bathroom. He can't even see me like a pool shot. Throws like a fucking 90 mile an hour heater. It, all I, all I heard was it, it hit the fucking wall and dude came right in. It hit me right in the mouth. Really? Oh, my lip fucking split and I was bleeding and he was on.

I remember he was on, he was on the stair master laughing. And then he felt bad. Dude, my lips swelled up and I was doing a fucking Conan O'Brien audition. And I got like a piece of tissue. Yeah. Did you get it? I think I might've, I don't think I did. I don't think I did.

I think it was digesting so them to know who I was. Dude, I literally, I mean, I tucked my shirt in like this is how much I gave a shit about this thing. And Bobby like it's, it's one of the greatest things anybody ever did to me as far as like a practical job. Dude, if you just did the degree of difficulty, if he was standing flat footed, he could never do that again. This guy was on a fucking, this was skinny Bobby.

He was on a stair master. That's how skinny he was. Yeah. Dude, he, he, this, this, this was Matt and a idle Bobby. It was one time he, he told me he, he got the, this is a video cameras. You could communicate like set it up. I love this. Oh, it always ends up talking about one shit on Bobby.

Bobby. Yeah. Well, not shit. No, no, come on. No, no, of course, but, but he got this little video camera that does what FaceTime does, right? It's FaceTime before FaceTime. Right.

He's like, dude, you gotta get one of these cameras are great. So he, he shows it to me. He's talking to Dane Cook on the thing. And I was like, dude, I still have a mini disc player in one of these boxes. Cause he told me that that was the latest thing he tells me to buy this thing. I buy it. He's the only one I know that has it. I call him up.

I go, Hey, what's up? He hung up on me. I never used it again. The great thing about being friends with him bucks. Yeah, but the great thing about being friends with him is like the, the, you just, if you just drafted behind him, like if you were in a bike race, the amount of technology shit that he would just sell to you. Uh, well, you'd like, he was like, he was the king of it.

Like he would, he would get something, a fold up bike, a fucking like some James Bond level flashlight. And then six months, he hates it and he gives it to you and it's kind of cool. Not that he hated it. He was just, he's over it. No, he knows what the next thing is. Yeah. Cause he's constantly buying the new shit.

This one time I was, I was rollerblading. I was playing roller hockey in central park. Someone broke my stick. Some rollerblading at the time in hell's kitchen cause Bobby and Norton lived in hell's kitchen and I'm coming down like ninth avenue or whatever. And I see Bobby and Norton walk out of a Starbucks and they look at me and they just start dying laughing. Cause they're seeing me in rollerblades and they're fucking howling.

They're, they're not, I was hoping you were going to cross check them. And they didn't see you. So I come skating down and I'm walking, they're walking towards me. I'm skating towards them and I'm going like, I'm making my way through the middle of them and they both had their coffees in each other. I just smacked the coffees out of both their head skating and then I turned around and they were both dying laughing. So it was like, it's like those, those guys, you know, it's what they do.

I love those guys. Um, it's the only thing I missed about the East coast, but you know, some might go back and it's, it's not the same cause I went to the cellar a little bit ago and the cellar is the same, but the vibe upstairs is not the same. Somebody said it's like going into like a, a, when it was coffee bean, okay. It's just like all of the, every reason that you were afraid to go in there now is gone. Yeah.

And what they don't understand is that we were all scared. Like what I can't stand is how soft people are running shit now. It's like, it's not making it better to make everything soft. This is so fucked up, dude. I was just, you know, I had to go to the doctor, right? I got, I didn't realize I got, I got super dehydrated on this, this fucking flight back from, uh, Israel, right? Like I was on a plane for like 24 hours and I just watched five movies and didn't

drink anything. Oh shit. Oh yeah. The next day I felt like I had to clap or something. It was just like, it's like, I didn't fuck anybody. I don't want to fucks throw with me. And I just been drinking like pure cranberry juice for two weeks and I'm finally better and, but I had to go to doctor just to make sure everything was

all right, right? So, uh, there was a diner downstairs. So I go down to the old school diner has like the fucking, you know, the, you can just sit at the, uh, at the little bar area or to some bacon and eggs. And they had the sports illustrated swimsuit issue. Yeah. And like Tyra Banks is on the cover, right? Still looks fucking great, man, crushing it, right?

Yeah. And, uh, I'm like, all right. So that's that little thing that, you know, now they can, she's in her 40s and we're progressive. We put her on the cover, dude. I opened the thing up and the first two thing is two fat chicks and like string bikinis and I'm like, all right, they had to do that just to be like blah, blah, blah.

And then I turned, then there's a hottie, then there's like an older woman who does Pilates who looks good for her age. But I mean, you know, and then there was another one that was like another tune. It's just like, what the fuck? And I just laughed. I'm like, you got the trends and the rainbow. I didn't even see it, but it's just like, I get it. I, it's just like one of those fucking things where I just think it's so fucking

funny, like, like, why can't you just accept the fact that you're not a 10 the way I do? Like, I never looked at Brad Pitt and fight club and be like, well, you know, I just created an impossible image for me to live up to now. I have to have eight pack abs and inspired me to go to the gym. I know I'm never going to look like a, but they don't have to put like, like on the cover of men's health, they don't have to have some guy with like a beer belly wearing a half a shirt so I can feel better about myself.

It feels safe enough to open the fucking magazine. Dude, these people that are incredible shape and that are beautiful and everything should it fucking inspire you or whatever to do something with your fucking life? Yeah, because they never talk about the other side of being that good looking where it's just like those people's careers are over in their fucking thirties. Yeah, that's why Tyra Banks is so smart that she, she did the whole thing where it's now, now I'm going to pick the next good looking whatever, you know, model, whatever the fucking is that they do over there.

Like when everybody's trying to appease everybody, like when McDonald's after that doc came out and it's like, oh, we got to be healthy. It's like, no, you got to be McDonald's. That's why I like Carl's Jr. Carl's Jr. Like do you eat like shit and fucking come on down. Right. Cause we, we don't give a fuck.

We'll put a taco and I've seen comedians do that. I mean, oh, there's no jokes here. And then they try to be the serious kind of, you have to fucking serious comic. Don't be the guy. Let's do, do this will be a whole nother hour. If we do this, let's just, let's say the name of the documentary is always amazing. It's available on the all things comedy YouTube channel for free. June 3rd, Monday, June 3rd, Monday, June 3rd.

It's free. It's on YouTube. Check it out, spread the word. And then you and I, you were gracious enough to come down and do a great role for us in the opening act. Dude, you hook me up film about my early years and stand up. And that's going to come out later on this year. So everything, I'm proud of you, man, cause you're making your own opportunity out here.

And so many people just sit on the couch and bitch and you're fucking working your out. I can tell by that inhale and exhale you just did how fucking tired you are. No, I totally respect what you're doing and you're making your own way. And when you do that, dude, you become, you know, as invincible as you can be out here. You got a bet on yourself, dude. So yeah, I'm proud of you. Steve Byrne, everybody. Thank you so much for coming down.

COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is our community deserves better, better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted. Find out more we can do at COVID-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. You got it, Bill. Thanks for having me.

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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 30th, 2011. Happy Memorial Day. Happy Memorial Day. You should be out at a parade for the truth, but you're just sleeping off a hangover cause you are a fucking selfish cunt. You wave hello to the troops at the airport, but when they give them a day

and you're supposed to be out there, you're laying in your fucking bed, you douche. Hey, what's going on? I'm in my bed too. I noticed you have braces. I have braces too. What's that line from? Hi everybody, the beef is some butt head movie.

Oh boy. Oh boy. Who took Tylenol PM last night? I did. I roofied myself, everybody. You ever just really, really, really fucking tired? Fucking tired, Joe. Dude, I slept like a fucking stone kid.

Um, I was really tired last night. I was nodding off. I was on my couch and, um, what the fuck was I doing? I was dealing with my dog who's afraid of the wind. He's like the wind. Am I going to sing this whole fucking podcast? My dog does not like wind. It freaks the fucking thing out and it eats its way out of its cage.

I call it the cage. The dog trainer calls it the Casa, which is Spanish for the cage. No, it isn't. Um, I took two years of Espanol CV play and Casa means house. So what are you suggesting is it's not a cage. Cage implies that it's something negative and you don't want to have a shut up. You useless cunt. All right, go trim your fucking beaver and stay out of my head.

All right, it's a fucking cage. The dog is in a queue breaks out of a house. You know, you break into a house. Oh my God, it's so awesome. I have to get in there and see what kind of stuff they have. You break into a house. But when you break out of a structure, um, that's not a home. Okay.

When you don't give a fuck that your gums are bleeding and you're scraping the chest hair off of your torso so you can squeeze through a fucking porthole that your fat ass body can't fit through. That's not a house. That's not a Casa. That's not Le Maison or whatever the fuck it is in French. Uh, we can't thank him. Didn't it mean with a CH?

What is French for house? Chapeau was a fucking hatch. La chemise was a shirt. Mon chemise et Jean. No, ma maizelle, I'll go fuck yourself. I flunked. You know something I actually took French one past that then was but was too dumb to go on to French to so they actually had French to a the triple a

of fucking French part do and I flunked so bad. I flunked that class so badly. My dad made me go back to French one to get the basics and I then went back and flunk that Jesus Christ. Still a little sick here. People, if you wonder why I'm a comedian, that little, that little story I just gave you right there that I'll let you know right there that I'll let you know. You know, the fact that I could go back in time and do worse than I did the first time.

You know, did you guys ever see back to the future when Marty McFly goes back? You know, and he just starts writing all the wrongs. And when he comes back to the future, he's got a Toyota for Rana, right? And everything worked out. And he got the girl of his dreams. I did that in real life. I went back in time. I went back to French one and I actually ended up doing worse.

So because of that, I never liked that trilogy. Everyone else was just going along for the ride. And I was sitting there going through this fucking bullshit. All right. He'd go back in time and he would do even fucking worse. All right, let's move on here. This is the Monday Morning Podcast, everybody. For those of you who enjoy the sound of my voice and feel like you can't get

enough of it, just in case you missed it last week, I actually was on the Adam Corolla podcast, the most downloaded podcast in the history of podcasting. They even had the t-shirts, some sort of Guinness Book of World Records that they set for a number of downloads. I was on last week's episode and I had a great fucking time, which was recorded live at John Lovitz's comedy club at Universal, a fucking strip mall, whatever the fuck you call that thing. It's this big thing out here called Universal.

I think they used to make movies and at some point they just made a left turn and they were like, let's just stick like 12 shitty restaurants next to each other in a big IMAX theater and then we'll have some stupid rides. And I got a feeling that a bunch of fat fucks in Hawaiian shirts will show up. What do you guys think? And they all went, yeah, let's fucking do it. You know what? They were right.

They were right. A bunch of fatties walking around with their swollen feet. You ever look down at fat people's feet? You ever look at that shit? You know, they're already fat because they ate a whole bag of fucking M&M's on the way over there, one of those giant fucking bags, you know, the kind of bag it's so fucking big that if you were making a brick wall, if one of the bricks was just the bag of M&M's, it wouldn't compromise the structure.

You could just concrete right over the fucking thing. What's with the yellow brick? That's a big bag of M&M's, sweetheart. My fat fucking uncle showed up with that and he dropped it on the ground and he couldn't pick it up and we just sat there laughing at him. And he's like, come on, hold me, pick it up and we just sat there laughing at him. You pick it up, you fat fuck. Come on, earn it, earn it, Tubby.

Hey, look at Uncle Fanny trying to pick up his bag of M&M's. Well, see, the problem was there was a bit of a, I'm probably a 15% grade in my front yard, so the fat fuck bends down and he rolled. He fell backwards on his big toddler ass and I whacked his head off the curb. And I went to jail for eight months on a manslaughter charge. And I also have to, part of my community service is I have to talk about the dangers of bullying, but in a tribute to him, we took that big bag of M&M's and we put it right in the wall there.

God rest his soul. What the fuck am I talking about? The Monday morning podcast has a donation button, everybody. Do you have a dollar? You got 20 bucks just burning a hole in your pocket? What are you going to do with that money, huh? You going to spend it on that fucking unappreciative cunt sitting across from you right now who can't hear what you're listening to?

Huh? You listening to it on your iPod and she's sitting right across from her? Look at her. Look at that stupid fucking side of her face. Yeah, you married that. You're legally bound to that. What are you going to do? Spend another 20 bucks on her.

Getting her some sort of fucking, I don't know, appetizer at Applebee's. Is that what you're going to do? Is that what you're laughing right now, aren't you? This is worth the 20. She isn't. She's not going to give a fuck. What's she doing right now? Looking around the room, you know, looking for, for a fucking, a different

dick with the, with the bigger dollar sign on it. You know, you wouldn't know that this was a holiday with the amount of meanness that I'm spewing here. I'm a little frustrated. I'm still trying to get over this fucking cold that I've had all goddamn week. And I'm also frustrated because I've been going on stage. Going off in support of Lance Armstrong. And I'm really beginning to realize how few people give a shit about bicycle racing.

Um, you know, I actually got to be honest with you. I actually put that out there and somebody connected with the tour sent me an email and, uh, said he thought that the shit I said last week was fucking hilarious. When I was trashing that fucking cunt, that piece of shit, Tyler Hamilton. Tyler Hamilton, do you guys understand? First of all, those of you who are actually keeping up on the Lance Armstrong story, all four of you, um, do you understand that he's not going to get caught? The guy took fucking 500 goddamn tests.

He passed them all. So now all they can do is just get people to say that they saw him do it. That's not going to hold up in court. And not to mention the people coming forward are fucking known cheats. You know, Tyler Hamilton, this fucking cunt, this is his background. The balls of this guy. American cyclist Tyler Hamilton announced his retirement Friday. This is, uh, an article October 8th, I'm sorry, April 18th, 2009.

Oh, I did research this week. Okay. He announced his retirement Friday. Why? Because he had accomplished everything he could accomplish in that wonderful sport. No, he retired Friday after testing positive for the steroid DHEA, which he said he knowingly ingested in an over the counter herbal anti-depressant. All right.

Here's a guy who's on anti-depressants and he's taken steroids. This is the guy that's going to bring you down a known fucking cheat. He was just, it was the second doping offense for the veteran rider who tested positive for, no, I don't want to offend gay people here. He tested positive for Homo loguis or a blood transfusion. He got a big bag of semen evidently shot into his fucking veins to add to the testosterone. Jesus Christ, how the fuck did he win that year?

Uh, Homo globulis blood transfusion 2004 and served a mandatory two year suspension, even as he disputed the test results through two rounds of arbitration. These are the kinds of people who are coming up. All right. This guy's life's over. He rode a bicycle until he was 30. You know, do you realize how big a hole that is in your resume? When you try to get back into the real world and try and get a desk job.

Gee, you know, it's weird. Um, do you have any sort of job experience? Um, I rode a bicycle from age eight to 30. Yeah. And, um, then I got fired. I got fired from riding a bicycle. And now I would like a management position. Hey, Tyler, why don't you go fuck yourself?

So then what does he do? Oh, Jesus, what do I do? Do I write a book? I don't want to write a book. That's work. What else should I do? What if I just go on 60 minutes and I rat out Lance Armstrong? You piece of shit, douchebag of the fucking month.

This fucking guy, Tyler Hamilton, you believe I just can't believe that shit. OK, first of all, people. I'm going to tell you this right now. You can't ride a bicycle. I said it last week. You can't ride a bicycle 30 miles of fucking hour up a goddamn mountain. All right. For a month.

You can't do that without being on drugs. All right, so get your fucking heads out of Santa Claus's ass. They're all on drugs. OK, they're on drugs. Yes, all of them. So what are you going to do? You're going to take it away from Lance and give it to the other drugged up guys. This is fucking stupid.

This is the 2004 Red Sox versus 2004 Yankees. Our roided up guys beat your roided up guys. He wants seven in a row, seven. He wants seven in a row. Case closed on to the next one. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Voices in my head. Stop bringing it up.

God damn it. I got to blow my nose. Hang on a second. I got to hit pause. All right, I'm back. Jesus Christ, I swear to God, if this fucking cold lasts one more damn day, I'm shaving the mustache right out of my beard. I'm going to look like fucking Abe Lincoln.

Nothing worse than blowing your nose when you got a mustache. It's like a four hour process. All right. So anyways, back to the damn podcast. Speaking of sports. How about those Boston Bruins? Huh? All you fucking haters. Where's your team?

Huh? They're out there. Little fucking charity golf game raising money for cancer. That's what they're doing. There's only two teams left, people. The Boston Bruins and the Vancouver Canucks. The only professional sports team that throughout its history has dressed worse than Sinbad.

The ugliest fucking uniforms, ladies and gentlemen, known to fucking man, known to all of sports for a good 20 fucking years. Horrific apps. They came out of the gate with one of the great uniforms of all fucking time. And then what happened? What happened in the 80s? They decided we need to switch it up a little bit. See, the problem is, is not only are they in Canada, they're way on the West Coast.

Way out, they don't even know what the fuck's going on. They don't know what styles are in. So in the fucking early 80s, they switched that goddamn uniform, something like that. You know what it was, was disco finally made it to Vancouver by 1982. And when everybody else was listening to the talking heads, right? The last couple of police albums, they were still up there doing a little dance. Make a rear of, and then they came up with the ugliest fucking goddamn uniform I've ever seen in my life. And the away jerseys were bad enough, but the home ones, I'm telling you, were the ugly.

There's a picture of Cam Neely. I'm going to have it up on the, the mmpodcast.com, the official fan page of the Monday Mony podcast of him in that uniform. And I swear to God, when you see him in that uniform, you would actually consider dropping the gloves with the guy. That's how bad these fucking uniforms are. So these douchebags in their little fucking mining town, way on the west coast of Canada, way out there. You know, they live on the other side of the fucking Rockies. Okay, way the fuck out there. All right, like if you were in Seattle and decided that you were going to drive to Alaska,

there'd only be one little shit ass fucking town on the way there. And that town is called Vancouver. You know what's funny about those cunts? They actually think that they're cosmopolitan up there. They got a bit of an attitude, people. They think that they have this fucking, oh, let's do some ecstasy. We got a couple of nightclubs up here. All right, so what do these dumb cunts do after they, for fucking years,

wear the ugliest fucking hunk of shit uniform I've ever seen in my life? I remember being in sixth grade when I saw that uniform. I'm going, that is fucking horrific. You know, I'm in sixth grade, people. I just stopped coloring. I should have loved that uniform. That's what it looks like. It looks like when a five-year-old, remember when you did that?

When you were five, you grabbed every crayon in the box and you just started writing letters. You know, because you thought that would make the fucking girl look at you. You know, because you knew you wanted to do something to it, but you didn't quite know what because there was no internet so you didn't know what fucking was yet because you were allowed to have a childhood. You know?

That's what those fucking uniforms look like. And you know what's amazing is these motherfuckers, they finally admit that they made a fashion error and they go back to the original good idea that they had. And then what do they do? They fuck it up. They fucked it up. They went back to the blue and white with a little bit of green.

Then they got to see on their thing and then they got this fucking killer whale coming out of the top of the sea looking like a fucking whale centaur. Terrific. They just, you know what it is? They just couldn't 100% admit that they made a fucking mistake and just went back to the original,

which is what the fuck they should have done, just like the Jets. As dumb as those green cunts are, they realized that those uniforms they wore with Richard Todd and Freeman McNeil were a fucking mistake. Terrible mistake. Bill Parcells came in, right? With his big fucking bunt pushing out his dockers.

And he says, listen, we're going back to the original. And they were like, why? What's on these? Because we want to win. Everybody out there is going to go out there dressed like Joe Willie. You got a fucking problem with that? Wesley Walker doesn't have a ring. Rest my case.

Actually, I think he wore it early on. I shouldn't have picked him. Whatever. Marty Lyons never got a ring. Even though he looked like Merlin Olsen. Ah, fuck. Hang on a second. Jesus. All right, I'm back. Where was I? Oh, that's right. Trashing the Vancouver Canucks.

In that little mining town, way out there on the west coast in British Columbia. Yeah, so they couldn't admit that they made a fucking mistake. So now they got this whale coming out of the letter C. I fucking hate it. I went up there. I went to a game up there and I wanted to get a fucking jersey. I just couldn't get myself to do, you know?

I was like, all right, I'm living on the west coast now. I need a west coast team. I like the Canucks. I like that they went back to their uniform. And then I looked at it closely and I saw that stupid whale coming out of there. Looking like when that fucking alien thing comes out of that dude's stomach in that movie, I can't remember.

You know, that thing that comes out of the fucking alien. You know, remember the alien in that movie, Alien, right? Did I say alien enough times in that sentence when it opens its mouth? And then for some reason, rather than using its big mouth, it uses its little mouth, that nibble thing. That's what it had. They have the whale version of that coming out of the letter C.

They just, you know, I don't fucking know. Then they got the fucking twins there. You know? Who has brothers on the same fucking team? Isn't there a rule against that? I know you can't have a bunch of brothers on the same battleship because of that time in World War II

when the boat got sunk and then some poor mom and dad, they lost five kids at the same fucking time. Isn't that the same rule with sports? Why do you got two blood relatives on the same goddamn team? Why is it like a mom-and-pop fucking hardware store or something? Oh, the motherfuckers. I'm just trying to work up some hatred.

I really don't have any hatred for Vancouver. I really don't even know shit about your city. You know why? Because you're never in the news. Except once every fucking goddamn millennium you host an Olympics. You know why? Why? Because you got snow. It's not because you got a good fucking city. Hey, Cleo, knock it off.

Goddamn dog. I have a pit bull that's afraid of the wind. She's like the wind. What is that song about? She's like the wind. Is that about love lost? Do you know I was watching one of these goddamn, these channels that shows, you know,

it's Memorial Day weekend, so they're giving all their talking heads the fucking weekend off, so they're just showing a bunch of rock concerts. And I saw though, here's my underrated, for underrated, overrated for the week, underrated the Who live concert video at the Isle of Wight. Best Keith Moon footage you're ever gonna fucking see.

I've never been that into Keith Moon. I like, I love the Who. I love their recorded music, but I've never seen good footage. He's always on TV pretending to drum, you know? Or like Magic Bus or something like that, and he has a weird way of holding the sticks. So just because of that,

they never seemed like there was a lot of power. Then there was that one where he blew his drum kit up and Pete Townsend hurt his ear. And I always fucked, that was something I always fucking hated. I hated how they destroyed their instruments. If I didn't fucking, I used to, you know, just watching, you know, watching Pete smashing a guitar,

whenever I watched it, I was like, dude, just give it to me. Give it to somebody in the crowd. Why would you do that? There's a bunch of wannabe rock stars in the crowd that would kill for that guitar. Bah-ha! Peter, you put that guitar down, young man! What's the matter?

People teased you about your big fucking nose? You're a rock star now. Knock it off. Then they blows up that drum kit. It just, it makes you sick. Makes you fucking sick. Me, anyways. So anyway, so I never saw any good footage.

That guy, I already knew he was a beast. That guy, that guy, fucking, without a doubt, without a doubt, one of the most original drummers of all time. Dare I say, the most original rock drummer ever. I love fucking John Bonham,

and he laid down the blueprint. But when I hear Bonham play, I mean, he, granted, he put it, he put it 20 years into the future. But still, I kind of could see some sort of, like, I look at Keith Moon, I don't see any link to what the fuck he, what did he watch, Tito Puente?

It's like he was like a percussionist. He should have been standing up with some timbales the way the guy was playing. It's just, it's fucking mind-blowing. Absolutely mind-blowing. He's spinning the sticks and he's doing this thing where he slams it on the snare and it goes flying up in the air. And I'm like, that's where Tommy Lee got that shit.

So, that's my underrated for the week. Somebody actually has an overrated. What the fuck is it here? Let me, let me, let me, overrated. The state of Florida's sports fans. Miami Heat bandwagoners, Florida Marlins, Orlando fans, Jacksonville Jags, are rumored to be moving at the beginning

of two years ago. Florida Panthers suck, et cetera, et cetera. Dude, that is the most lazy overrated. You started off where you were actually making some points and then you just threw out a bunch of topics and you're just putting it on my shoulders. I gotta bring it home? That's what you did.

You just started a project like some broad and then you're like, can you just, can you come in here and, honey? Can you come in here for a second? What? I thought you said you were cleaning the kitchen. Yeah, no, I just did. I wanted to do it behind the refrigerator.

Can you just move it for a second? No, you fucking move it. See, this is what I'm talking about. That's what you just did to me and that overrated there. I gotta go off and then, let me tell you something. I hate to tell you this. Every sports franchise, everybody's bandwagon. All right?

Go look at footage of when your team sucked. You think I was watching the Bruins after fucking Ray Bork left? We sucked a big bag of dicks for like three years. To be honest with you, it had a lot to do with that clutch and grab fucking awful shit. Just a terrible period for hockey.

No wonder Tampa won a fucking god damn. That's why they had this strike. They were like, how fucking bad is our league that the Tampa Bay Lightning just won a Stanley Cup? Did you see that Stanley Cup parade? There was like eight people there. You know? They thought it was a fucking spit tune.

Yeah, so I would say everybody, you got bandwagon fans, Yankee fans are bandwagon fans. If you watch highlights of them in the 80s or when Roger Maris broke Babe Ruth's fucking homerun record, you could have fucking walked up to the gate and bought a stack of fucking 20 tickets

for each other out in a god damn outfield. You know? Fucking there was nobody at Bruins games, nobody at Celtic games when we sucked, and we get the big three, and then all of a sudden everybody's there, everybody's got bandwagon fans. Man, I also think Jacksonville's moving out

because it's Jacksonville. You know? When they got one radio station out there, no one gives a fuck about them. I don't know. Florida has bad sports fans. They got fucking unbelievable college football, the Hurricanes, the Seminoles.

Who else they got? They got the Florida fucking Gators. Maybe if their fucking college sports weren't so great, they would actually show up to a pro game. I don't know. Other than in Tampa. Tampa just sucks, man. They got the buccaneers.

Right? Who just sucked every year but won. Why am I still picking on them? They're in the rear of your mirror. Congratulations. What a fucking playoff series that was. By the way, I'm just breaking balls, by the way, for all you dumb cunts who actually take this seriously.

Bill Byrd hates Tampa. He doesn't like Vancouver. No, my teams are playing, you guys, and my team is not as good as your team, so what I do is I just trash your city, and if you're dumb enough to take the fucking bait, I get a nice debate going because if you want to argue facts,

all you had to do as a lightning fan is just say, well, we won't know for you fucking dumb cunt, and that would have been the end of it, but you were too stupid to do it. You sat there defending houseboats for some unknown reason. So anyways, the Stanley Cup finals this year is this Boston Bruins versus Vancouver Canucks in case you haven't figured that out,

and we haven't won it since 1972, and the Vancouver Canucks have never won it. So, if you ever wanted to get into hockey, this would be the series to watch because the fans are going to be ridiculously excited because one group of fans have been waiting for 39 years and the other group have been waiting their entire hockey lives. All right?

So, predictions for the series. I'm doing exactly what I did the last time. I'm picking the other team, and maybe I'll jinx them. I think once again, the other team has too much firepower with Henrik Sendin and whatever his fucking brother's name is. Ah, Ryan Kessler, and then they got Luongo. Luongo, you can rattle, though.

You know? Kessler's just a pretty boy now. You know, he took all his anger out of the game to start the fucking playoff series versus the San Jose Shucks. Joe Thornton goes, you want to fight, and he didn't do anything. He just took the face off,

skated away with his shredded J-Crew body. You know, it's like, what are you doing, dude? You're playing hockey, you're trying to be an underwear model. I don't understand what you're doing, Ryan Kessler. All right? So, but he is an American. So, I do like that aspect of him. The Sendins are actually direct descendants

of Nazi SS soldiers. You know, not just some fucking regular guy worked in a fucking warehouse, and then he got put in a guard tower. Hey, I'm just doing my job. I'm talking about people who executed that horrific final solution. All right?

So, you know, if you're rooting for the Canucks out there, people, you're saying thumbs up to the Nazis. I'm just putting that out there. Just blowing the lid off that one, people. No, I think it's going to be a great fucking series. I got a feeling the Bruins are going to win game one and just scare the shit out of that little mining town up there. I really, I really got a feeling.

I got a feeling Chara's going to score a goal, you know, against all odds, because he loves taking a fucking slap when there's no one in front of the net from the fucking red line, and he loves to shoot right at their pancreas, too. But I got a feeling it's going to fucking get in between his goddamn elbow and the side, and then Luongo's going to get rattled.

He's going to get pulled in the second period. Lucic is going to have a goal to shut up all you Boston cunts who are trashing him. You dumb fucks. Shut your faces. How many stars are we going to run out of town because they have a bad couple of weeks? I guarantee you at the end of the season,

Jean-Claude Rolfe, whatever the fuck his name is, is going to fucking, Georgie Animal Steel, our fucking coach for the Bruins. Claude Julian is going to fucking say that Lucic has a lower body injury. That's what I'm guessing. He's just not going to say it because there's a piece of shit out there

who would actually go after the injury. But I don't know. We got to win the cup. Would that be glorious? That would be enough to knock me right out of my sobriety. I went to a fucking party yesterday, and I actually showed up with a rack of blue moon and handed it over, and I watched other people drink it.

I really questioned my citizenship at that point. Am I still a citizen of this country that I just fucking did that? This is how bad I want to drink people. I actually got into a conversation about booze at this party, and somebody brought up Fredericksburg, Texas, which is an hour and a half outside of Austin, Texas, and evidently it's an all-German town speaking of Nazis. I don't know if you guys realize this,

but I'm actually mostly German. I've mentioned this before. That's why I have a jawline, and I don't have that 100% Irish potato face. I don't look like I fucking woke up face down in a plate of fucking mashed potatoes like a lot of my Irish brothers do. I don't look like that.

I don't look like, you know, I never knew my dad because he got so drunk and he fell face first into his shepherd's pie, and is that actually English? I don't fucking know. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So there's this town called Fredericksburg, which is actually my middle name, William Fredericksburg Burr.

I don't know if you guys ever knew that. And it's this all-German town, and evidently when you drive into town, it's like one fucking street, main street, right? And this is the way it was described to me at the party. I barely was listening. I was just staring at the bubbles in the guy's beer. That's how bad I want to drink now.

And the first half of it is a bunch of antiques for the ladies. And the second half, though, is just a bunch of Oktoberfest type bars. And I was thinking like, God, damn it, I want to go to that town and drink out of one of those big things. We got to press it down with your thumb and have the little fucking crown open up.

What, the beer stein? That's how bad I want to drink now, people. So I want to ask people, people, people of the podcasting world who are listening to this thing, what's the deal with Fredericksburg, Texas? I want to know, is it worth the trip? If I'm in Austin,

what am I going to go down to the Etsy section again down there? I've done that a zillion times. I want to drive up to Fredericksburg, get absolutely shit-faced, and then drive home drunk back to Austin, get pulled over by some fucking goddamn cop in a horse. You understand what states you're in? This is Texas. Don't mess with Texas.

Then I know how to sweet talk my way out of that, right? I just unbutton a couple of buttons from my button down. Show off a little bit of red chest there and I just start complimenting his sidearm. Is that a six-shooter? You know what it is? It is a six-shooter. I could put this on eBay

and get over a hundred grand for it, but I got it from my daddy. I got it from his daddy. His daddy's daddy. I just drive away. Did I mention we have a donation button on themmpodcast.com? Did I mention that?

I always forget to mention that, so just donate whatever the fuck you can donate, and I swear to God, if you guys donate this week, I will donate $5 towards the United Nations Fund for curing the Common Cold. Do you know the Common Cold doesn't kill

over seven million people every year? Do you realize that? But it makes over four billion people unbelievably uncomfortable and in some extreme cases, even in the month of May. So please, give a dollar, give seven,

do whatever you want to fucking do. Oh, by the way, I'm going to be on the NHL Live today. NHL Live at 2.10 p.m. Pacific Time. They're going to be calling me on my cell phone. And they're going to be, hey, dude, what do you think about the playoffs?

You know, and I'll be okay about the Bruins, I gotta be thinking. I can't wait. I cannot wait. All right, last week, I told you that, I read that story about that fucking douche who brought in the ringer,

wasn't playing this guy's kid, and then when he complained, the parent complained, you know, they kept the kid on the bench. And then the next year, his kid's on another team and then he's playing against this douche coach and at the end of the game,

his kid didn't shake his hand and this fucking fag went to the goddamn league and now is saying that this kid has to shake hands. So the dad's like, what do I do? What do I do? So I was trying to think of a cunty way something he could do to this guy.

So this is a solution someone came up with. Said, tell that kid to shake that coach's hand for an awkwardly long time. I actually really like this idea. Holding on when the coach tries to pull his hand away and the whole time smiling, maybe throw a wink in there too.

You know, a passive aggressive fuck you. Love the podcast. I think that's great. I would actually clasp it with both hands like you just signed some sort of monumental peace treaty. You know what would be great? Have his dad come down.

Do you remember when Jimmy Carter got, was it Amor Sadat and that begging guy to shake hands? Signed a peace treaty between Egypt and Israel or something like that and they both shook hands and then Jimmy Carter made it like

a handshake sandwich with the buns. Standing basically perpendicular to them. So I think that that's what should happen. I think he should shake the guy's hand, clasp it with both hands and then you hire a Jimmy Carter lookalike to fucking sit there

and you just smile and you don't let go until that guy finally pulls his hands free and you never stop smiling and you never stop looking in the guy's eye. How's that? I like that. You guys like that solution? I do. Um,

does anybody else have any more stories about that? That seems to be an overwhelming, not overwhelming, that's the wrong word. Jesus, Bill. Jesus Christ. The whole podcast was going great and then what'd you do? You picked the wrong fucking word. The fuck is wrong with you? Read the goddamn copy.

Did I ever tell you guys that you guys always think that this show is improvised? It isn't. I actually write it out and I spent $15,000 on my own professional grade camera and teleprompter. Right now I'm reading all of this, including this right now. It's just scrolling right now. You know, that whole

I'm bad at reading out loud as it's all just an act. Um, anyways, does anybody else have any stories about that, uh, that type of behavior? Rather than overwhelming, I know it's a reoccurring theme. That's what I was trying to say. You know, where somebody becomes a coach

and, uh, you know, they're getting to live out this Vince Lombardi fantasy and then they start thinking, well, I sucked as an athlete or I wasn't good enough to make it to the pros and then when they start coaching, just immediately that competitive thing kicks in again

and they forget that they're coaching a bunch of fucking eight-year-olds and they start walking around like fucking Mike Ditka, you know, chewing gum, like they just got done finishing a fucking eight-ball of Coke. In case you thought I was talking about pool, I had to say of Coke.

Alright, I'm sorry people, I'm a little congested. Does anybody else have any stories of that? I actually, uh, I had good coaches when I was growing up. Except for my football coach. I remember he used to kick me in my fucking legs. I only played one year of football. My parents didn't like it because I came home with all these bruises

and they showed up at practice and they saw the coach kicking me in my legs. Uh, I remember I used to move when we were doing leg lifts because that's what you want third graders to do. Leg lifts to make sure they get that 12 pack. So we're doing these leg lifts and, uh, you know,

whenever your legs would come down, you'd come over and he'd kick you in the side and give you like a Charlie horse. So I used to move my thigh pads over to the side. This was the 70s people when you could kick kids. Not only could you kick them, you could kick them in front of their parents. It was fucking great.

Does anybody have any stories of just some, some coaches just going totally over the top? Here's a new sound for you guys. See if you guys can guess what this sound is. All right. And it's not me blowing my nose on the mic. What was that? What was that noise? You hear that?

That might sound like me wiping up my mustache. Yeah, fucking disgusting. I'm playing hockey tomorrow and I wear a full fucking shield and I have a runny nose. That's what I'm going to look like. I'm going to be looking like I'm fucking almost at the summit

of Mount Everest by my second shift. Is that icicles in your mustache? What is going on? No, it's just snot. All right. Now that I got rid of the ladies on the podcast, speaking of ladies, there's a little

downtime between the Eastern and Western Conference finals and the finals in the Stanley Cup. So I had four fucking days of, oh my god, how am I going to fill up the time? And I don't know what happened. I put on ESPN and I've somehow

got into the ladies softball fucking world series. I love it. I absolutely love it. I want to face one of those fucking pictures. You got, you know, a lot of guys out there, they laugh at that shit. I fucking put it in the cheap sheets

if I ever fucking did that giant goddamn ball. First of all, they pitched the ball from like four feet away. And it comes underhand. And they do it so fast, it looks like it's coming right out of their baby maker. You know, like some sort of

fucking Nolan Ryan meets some Horry stripper. You know, the ones that shoot the ping-pongs out of their twats. This looks like the softball. It's just coming at this weird fucking angle. I would love to do it. Because their ballparks are really

small. So if you actually made contact they pitch it so fast. It's going over the goddamn wall and then you get to run around. You get to run around the bases but you don't get it. You're not going to get winded because I think it's like 45 feet to each base. It's ridiculous.

Basically if you, there's no leading I think in women's softball because once you take a lead you're basically at second base. All you have to do is just fall down and you're safe at second. Actually there is leading. Before some fucking

bulldog of a woman fucking starts giving me shit about it. I understand. And dude, speaking of roids if you're going to tell me those women in ladies softball like this there's enough women built like that to fill up fucking like nine different teams

I'm not buying it. Okay. Those girls, I'm telling you right now would run me the fuck over. Nah, the damn batteries ran out again and the memory was full. I don't know what the fuck happened. Son of a bitch. Alright, what the fuck was that?

I was talking about those goddamn softball ladies. I'm telling you man, those girls, if they did the old pack of sweep pitched it out to any one of them but they could run over Ray Lewis. But I'm telling you, it's a great goddamn sport and

you know what? It only took a couple of seconds for you to listen to me, you know go from what I was just talking about to what I'm talking about right now but in my world it was like five minutes and I can't remember what the fuck I was talking about. So that's going away.

Oh, that's so frustrating. I was really enjoying what he was saying about those fucking goddamn bulldogs who play fucking softball. They're actually not bulldogs. Some of them are a couple, they're kind of cute. You know? I like some fucking thick thighs.

I'll take you down. Even with that grease under your eyes. Ah, Jesus. Alright, by the way, we have a new video everybody. We have new video up on themmpodcast.com. Remember not last week but the week before I was hyping the

Vs. Kahn's MMA event where they have cops fighting ex-Kahn's MMA style in the octagon at the L.A. Sports Arena. Well, the Monday morning podcast brand new man in the street Jason Lawhead

Jason Lawhead who has his own sports podcast with Joe Bartnick and John Campanera. Campanera is in the name of the podcast is called Men Are Talking. So anyways

he was out there. He covered the event for us with Sam Tripoli. Another hilarious comedian and they made a really great video if you want to see what it was like. It looked like it was a fucking great time. Definitely the crowd was way more for the Kahn's than was for the cops

and a lot of tattoos were gotten, a lot of weed was smoked and I think you guys ought to check it out. It's a great video. It's on podcast.com. So after you're done hitting the donation button right on the right hand side right underneath the Facebook fucking icons check out that video.

Also I did a, I got another video that's going to be up later on this week. I did another one of my famous internet tours of the city. I did a tour of New York City. That's going to be up and I actually ran into somebody not to get all Hollywood on you.

I'm not going to name a name but I was out in an Italian restaurant and as I was walking out there was somebody famous sitting there who hosts a talk show and I, and it wasn't Conan and

it wasn't that guy from Scotland and I said, hey what's up to him? And he mentioned that he saw my, he fucking watched the one that I did the tour of LA. I got a big kick out of that. Oh look at the goddamn internet. Famous people are on the internet too. I didn't realize

that. I always thought like famous people that are on TV so they don't they don't watch it. They like read books or go out and go buy like a fucking Ferrari or something. It's always just blowing my mind. But whatever, we got

this great video up there, The Cage vs. Cons and I'm going to have one tour of New York City. My tour of New York City which I did when I was just starting to catch this cold. I was in a miserable fucking mood. So it might come off a little more angrier than usual, but it seems like a lot of you guys enjoy that shit.

So definitely check that out on AMMPodcast.com the official podcast page of the Monday morning podcast. All right, we have 45 minutes in people. You know what that means. That means I got 15 minutes to go. So it's got to be time for the advice section

and if I was actually, if I had some sort of production quality on this, we would have gone into some music right there. It's time for advice with your host Billy Burr and I'm ripping off this

melody from somebody else. All right, dear Bill, I am 34 years old and have been married to Linda. Ah, Jesus, he named the name right out of the gate. Oh, the lovely Nia comes walking in right as I'm about ready to do advice. What are the odds of that?

Why don't you go grab yourself a microphone? It's in the closet. My closet. All right, and don't go snooping around in there. I got some fucking incriminating evidence in there. Goddamn fucking broads. Can't ever keep their faces out of

your shit. Let me see if I can put this in here. Here we go. We're going to get this going right here anyways. Well, I'm reading the first one without you. I'm 34 years 34 years old and been married to Linda my wife for about five years. We met on an online dating

website. Is that amazing? They met online and they've already been married for five years. How long has the internet been around? Isn't that fantastic? That's really phenomenal starting to feel old. Ah, Jesus Christ. Can you tell I hit pause again, people? Fucking cunt.

What am I doing here? All right, here we go. Dear Bill, I'm 34 years old. I already said that. Shit, he's been online for fucking five goddamn years. We met on an online dating website. Immediately felt a special bond. We dated for three years, but I knew she was the one. Wait a minute.

Did I read this last week? Oh, yeah, I read this one last week. I'm on the wrong fucking page. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Hang on a second. All right. Where the fuck are we? All right. Advice, dear Bill,

I've got a few shitty things going on in my life right now that I need to vent about. I would like to hear your advice. Okay, you guys don't need to have fucking intros like that. Just ask me the advice because then I'll read them and sound like a shithead. First things first, I live in South Carolina and I think you can guess

that that pretty much blows. I'm 22 years old and I just graduated from college with a degree in psychology. My job outlook is pretty bleak right now and I just got laid off from my shitty delivery job. Jesus Christ.

What the fuck is going on in this country? This dude has a degree in psychology and he's delivering fucking intimates cakes to supermarkets and he gets laid off because I must have applied for at least 30 jobs at this point and I've stopped applying for the ones that I'm under qualified for

and I've started, sorry, and I'm still unemployed. I don't understand why the access of entry into the restaurant industry is so fucking high. I can't even get a job because they keep telling me we only hire people with two years of experience.

Well, it's the laws of supply and demand. You know? If we weren't in the middle of a recession, you could walk in there with the coming out of prison and they'd let you work the goddamn Mesquite Grill. Yeah, I worked in a restaurant.

There's a bunch of fucking drug guys. It was such a good economy. It was like 1987. Wait a second, that was right after Black Monday. I don't know. Maybe it was a South. I have no idea. I worked at this place called Disabled Cafe in Cary, North Carolina way back in the day

and we used to have this douche who used to, he came in, he was on work release. He was in prison and they would let him out so he could wash dishes and work his way back. Now watch this. He actually worked the fucking cooking line. He was above me.

I was a busboy slash grill chef slash dishwasher and the restaurant was slowly going on a business slash hottie. As people gradually quit they would just give me their jobs and an extra 50 cents an hour

and I was like, whoa, I'm raking in the dough. As I sucked at math I didn't realize that they were paying me 350 an hour and a grill guy $5 an hour so they went from paying $8.50 an hour but two guys to paying me $4 an hour for fucking, I'm a dumb fucking moron.

This douche used to come in and I remember one time I came walking in the back and I'm doing three fucking jobs we were slammed and I said I go, we're out of glasses the fuck, we're out of glasses and then this guy in work release goes well, why don't you wash some?

Ah, a novel idea. That's what he said. Like he was just fucking getting renaissance, man. Really? Really there's Shawshank? The fuck are you doing after work? Huh? Fucking carving a goddamn Hey, watch all the steak knives make sure Conti over here doesn't take him back

with you felling beard You're this stupid fucking almond brother's facial hair I have fucking cunt and it still bugs me because I didn't say anything to him because I got intimidated even though I thought I could take the guy but I was like, this guy's been in prison you know, he's gonna beat me up and then rape me

Fuck it, I think I'll wash some glasses So anyways, um he goes, if I can struggle through four years of school then I think I can get the hang of slinging tater skins and onion rings in a few weeks What is there to learn? Oh, this guy's trying to get a cooking job

A cooking job or a serving job? Well, I thought he meant like being a waiter but now it sounds like he's talking about actually cooking Yeah dude, you can't learn on the job at a restaurant Oh, was that underdone? I'm sorry They're not coming, really? No, but he's talking about cooking

because I thought he said he was having a hard time getting a job as a server because that you can learn in like two seconds No, that's what he said but now all of a sudden he's talking about slinging tater skins and onion rings I think he just means serving it Slinging? Doesn't slinging mean Yeah, but didn't he say earlier

that he was trying to get a job as a He's been on a podcast for three minutes already He doesn't agree with me Didn't he say earlier that he was trying to get a job serving? What is there to learn Let me get back to this What is there to learn in the second year that you can't get in the first year

or even the first six months? This I agree with How in the hell am I supposed to get a job? I'm also being cut out from financial support of my family who helped put me through school If I can't start paying bills then I'm going to have to move back in with my parents in a shitty small town that is about an hour away from the city I live in

Job outlook there is even worse and I would hate to move away from my friends and girlfriend Me and my girl don't live together but she's offered a lot of needed support and most importantly she supports me pursuing comedy It's my dream to become a comedian and I can only go so far

while I live in South Carolina That's true No it isn't That he can only go so far living in South Carolina as a comedian? Yeah the fuck You become the next goddamn cable guy Dude there's people this I guarantee you in South Carolina

there's a guy there who's the king of South Carolina and we've never heard of him Every state I've been to and they fucking make six figures a year I don't understand what he's saying Obviously he doesn't want to be the king of South Carolina in movies and TVs I don't understand what you're saying

but I'm just saying you can make fucking money there There is money to be made with those fucking idiots there All you gotta do is just do a Rick Flair impression that'll be a closing bit you'll be fine He lives out there I would like to move to New York City but won't be able to do that if I'm not able to save up money

I definitely won't be able to do that anytime soon because I am awaiting a trial for a DUI I got back in January This story just keeps getting like unraveled more and more every sentence becomes as something else That's why country songs are so sad these people live it

Living in South Carolina I love my girl's vagina and I can't get a job washing dishes Did you just rhyme Carolina with vagina and I don't know why cause the cop

was even drunker than me and the song should be called I know I'm not Rick Flair Cause I know I ain't Rick Flair and I know I don't bleach my hair but I got a dream and would you help me

get your hand off your gun I'm starting to get scared That rhyme with hair? Alright go fuck yourselves Anyways, the trial is this September and if I lose my license I will only be set further back for my goals Yeah you think? I'm trying to

Not to mention I'm growing weed in my apartment It's a one bedroom with bay windows and I think my neighbors are starting to catch on I am trying to hone my skills here Jesus Somebody went out late last night I'm trying to hone my skills here

but I can't afford to keep driving to open mics that are at at least an hour across the state in North Carolina By the way, I've stopped drinking irresponsibly and I'm sorry that this email ran a little long Respectfully, so and so

Gotta love how the politeness of the South I know, at least he's respectful Yeah, probably one of those plantations Kentucky Fried Chicken ties on Holding onto his lapels That's how they get you with the politeness They do, that's the

as someone who grew up in the South You know what that's called? Southern Hospitality It's masking so much Yeah, you know what that is That's called the old Stonewall Jackson The old what? The old Stonewall Jackson You come in and I surely would like

to help you Don't you look pretty today I ain't trying to be disrespectful Right? And then you fucking turn the corner Let me tell you something about that boy That boy would fuck mud if he thought a rock was under it

Oh, what's going on with the thing here That boy would fuck a rock if he thought a snake was under it So what is he asking? He's asking me how the fuck He gets out of all this bad shit Alright, you live in South Carolina Let's recap, shall we?

Yeah, he lives in South Carolina He lives in South Carolina, can't get a job slinging fucking tater tots to fucking fatties who are wearing overalls and somehow the crack of their ass is still hanging out of it He got a DUI He's gonna have to move back home with his parents

an hour away where the job shit is even worse than it is where he is right now and he got, Jesus Christ and he wants to live his dream I only see one solution here It's a lottery, you gotta start dealing weed I mean, yeah

Right? He's in South Carolina, can't he grow some tobacco? Yeah, just starts selling weed Wacky tobacco Wait a minute, there's something going on with this fucking the sound here Ah, Jesus Christ This is why I need you to hit the donation button

We hear it over our PBS here I think I need a new mixer or some new wires Didn't he say something about being a psychology major or something? He doesn't have time for that He doesn't want to do that This guy wants to be a comedian He wants to be a stuff

Yeah, so So what he needs He needs some sort of hustle to get him out of this shit Alright dude, this will make you feel better Guess what happened to me right before I became a standup comedian I lost my license for drinking and driving

and uh I didn't get started I'm going low on this thing Hello Hello Hello There we go Oh, the thing got unplugged

That sounded badass when it starts to come out Hello, take me to Sorry Alright, here we go I'm back I just hit a fucking button here Now this other thing is lit up which was never lit up before

Now you fucking whore Alright, let's wrap this thing up This is what you gotta do You gotta get through your DUI I don't know what to tell you You gotta somehow try and find a fucking job Ah, fuck I lived at home with my parents

I had a day job and I did comedy at night and I saved every fucking dime I drove a piece of shit car rather than get a new one I just had them throw a new engine in my old one So I only went like 1500 in debt rather than 15 grand

That's what I did So, listen If you want to be a fucking comedian you want it bad enough you gotta figure out how to do it You're in a hell of a situation there You gotta get a fucking job Dude, I would open

Take any fucking job you can take Get through this fucking DUI horseshit and despite the fact that you work all day you still gotta go out and you still have to do those open mics, you gotta do it

and as hard as it's gonna be it's gonna make you tough and that's what you gotta be to make it in the world You gotta be tough, you gotta get up You know what, you've been knocked on your ass You're flat on the back and you gotta get up

Alright, the ref's over you right now 6 7 Most people just lay there I'm gonna go fucking lay between my mom's titties and just say I quit in life You're not gonna do that, are you? You're gonna pick yourself up

You should have seen the look she just gave me I'm trying to inspire him This kid is in a fucking hole Yeah, but he can get out of it He's gotta suck it up How would you get out of it? I don't like any job that I could get Subtext

No, I was thinking babysitting You pervert You'd whore yourself out No, I wouldn't My name is Nia I got some high heels Who wants to fucking hit this I wanna be a comedian

You wouldn't sell your ass If you had to sell your ass Can you stop saying sell your ass If you had to do it Thank you If you had Nini To become a lady of the evening A lady

Of the evening If I had to do it, I wouldn't go out on the street How would you do it? I would set up a website or something I'd be one of those high class broads I'd meet you in the lobby of a hotel I'd be make it classy What would be the theme song on your website?

Do-to-coo-do Do-to-coo-do Lo-la-want Lo-la-kits That little man I don't even know that song I would be interested in that But if you had that song and you were wearing a veil

That would freak me out Why would I wear a veil? Whatever Lo-la wants Lo-la-kits You just have this veil And you're doing this really bad dance And it just cancels out your hotness Have I had that?

Guys, have you had that? Have you ever had a girl Just do something so weird It cancels out how good looking she is Maybe a laugh I was thinking more like hammer toes Coming out of some fucking pair of sexy shoes When are you going to get the shoes With the red sole on it

So you can make all those other whores jealous When you buy me a pair, bitch Your birthday is coming up Yes it is I don't know what you're getting But I can tell you what you're not getting Overpriced horseshoes You know I do it last second

You've seen the birthday cards I give you You know the one I gave you last year That had to do with golf And I just sort of scribbled it out They were out of birthday cards No, I told you the shoes That I wanted to get and the purse So you had all that information

And plenty of time They didn't have the purse, I went to the place You probably didn't ask for it right What do you mean I didn't ask for it right Purse can I have Are you lying? Did you actually get it and you're going to surprise me No, you know what the reality is

I never went there What You're such an asshole I was sick What is wrong with you? No you weren't Yes I was I'm still sick, I've been coughing and blowing my nose You're sick in the head

Well you know what I can tell you where to go in LA to get it Yeah You know why because you're exposing the spoiled Little brat that you are Who's fault is that? Mine Because I went out and I would buy you stuff

That you wanted thinking that that would shut you up That's not why you got it for me That's not why you got it for me You got it because you love me Yeah and one of you know what I love most About you is you shut your trap That's what I like best about you When you're not running your yap

And you just fucking rubbing my head As I watch sports That's all I need out of you Nini All those stupid shows where they go A fucking way to a man's heart is through his stomach No it isn't Shut your trap Rub my head as I'm watching the game

In order of pizza, right then No you like when I cook for you The end of the night, a little sexual favor Cooking for you, you love that Yeah I do love that Then you tell me when I wasn't here for a couple days Because you're so dependent on me cooking Yeah it's ridiculous and I knew

When you were walking around the apartment What do I do I did, it was pathetic You know I felt like the male Stepford wife You didn't know how to pay bills You didn't know how to do anything I know how to pay bills

I take it back I used to know how to cook I used to cook shit There was food and I would cook it And I would make it and it tasted delicious When I was back in the day I made lasagna It was great, it was fucking delicious You used to make the salmon too

I had the beef stew With a big piece of bay leaf You used to set it and forget it To make rotisserie style chicken Set it and forget it Underrated Underrated, that thing I don't know why I threw that thing out

Why? Because with those big rubber gloves Those things were gross Those things Were like The fucking sex offender They were They were so nasty

They came with these big rubber gloves That they didn't move That was the thing, they were like formed To some murderers hands And you just had to slip your hands into them Because they were so worried about getting burned They didn't want to get sued They went all the way up to your elbows

But they were these big fucking Herman Munster gloves Oh and they were this off white Yeah, the worst color They looked filthy before we even got them But getting back to the Set it And forget it

That thing was the shit That thing, I made a pretty good chicken I made a great chicken They had it down and it came out It was golden brown and you had fucking lunch meat For the fucking week Sock was on top of the way they claimed the heat Would somehow steam the vegetables

That shit didn't work So I took out my wok And that was it, hey by the way How sweet is that guitar I bought It's beautiful, it really is I bought the best goddamn guitar Uh And that's all I've been doing for life

I had that brutal couple weeks right now I was on fucking six flights in 15 days I caught a code I caught a code Two episodes of Glee And the one episode Sorry, shot on two days And I did DC and I did New York in the middle of that

So every once in a while I will actually go out And I'll spend a little money on myself And I bought a Gibson SG That is white, left handed White with the black pickup The black pickguard

And This thing sounds so fucking good Even Even I sound good on it Playing that Aerosmith this week huh Seasons of weather Remember you came in and all of a sudden You were hypnotized by it

You don't remember that woman I've been having a good time I've been having a good time with it So anyways that is it That's the podcast for this week I got to I want to thank Jason Lawhead and Sam Tripoli Nia you got to see that video

Jason Lawhead is an incredible person Yeah and he has An incredible podcast with Joe Bartner Called Men Are Talking The two of them have a podcast? Oh my god alright I have to hear this These are the two guys That if you know if you want

If you're gonna go out drinking Or if you just want to fucking hang out These guys they are throwbacks Old school guys These are the guys when I go to the Rose Bowl Every year Partners in crime These are the guys I stumble into the Rose Bowl

With Cuban cigars And then people scream at us And we have a great fucking time Yeah so that's up on themmpodcast.com If you want to donate we really appreciate it And we're going to be doing some more video Definitely And starting to add those

You can only see that exclusively on themmpodcast.com I think I've said that enough Okay so upcoming dates Upcoming dates from Mr. Burr Where the fuck official website Okay billburr.com I'm going to be at the Chicago Theater On June 15th

Doing one of those anti-social network tours With the wonderful Jim Norton The fabulous Jim Brewer And the always adorable David Tell Adorable David Tell Yes these guys are all the kind Yeah David Tell Is a sweetheart of a guy

I realized that when we went We visited those troops The Pentagon The wounded warriors We didn't know what to say Dude Dave was in his fucking element Really? He fucking lit up

I just followed his lead And it was awesome man That's so good you guys are that And it's Memorial Day And what are we doing Sitting there sweatpants in our bed Should we go into a parade or something Alright and on June 29th

This is a very special one here This is the Greg Geraldo Benefit At the Wiltern Theater All proceeds go to his wife and kids And Definitely people come out to that one Yeah that's a huge one Definitely

If you're going to do anything Even if you're in Chicago Drive out the fucking L.A. for that one These are more anti-social Network dates On July 1st At the Wiltern Theater in Seattle Washington Just south of that adorable mining town

Vancouver And then on the 3rd I'm going to be in Vegas At the Pearl Theater Palms Resort Casino And guess who's not going No I'm coming No you're not

Fourth of July is the next day Fuck you I'm coming out I want the world to know You're staying home You only support me When I go to good cities Why don't you

When I go to Tampa How come you don't come out for that one I came out to Florida with you one time Miami Miami bitch You only go out to the San Juan Yes You know what

We're becoming like Donnie and Marie right now And I'm really fucking getting douche chills That's the podcast for this week That's it go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week and I don't know Grab your ladies titties from me Alright that's it

I'll see you next week Thanks for watching Don't forget to like and subscribe See you next time Thanks for watching Don't forget to like and subscribe See you next time Bye

Thanks for watching Don't forget to like and subscribe See you next time Bye Thanks for watching Thanks for watching