Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-17

Episode Date: May 5, 2017

Bill rambles Cleveland, buckles shoes and DVR etiquette.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before

Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm checking in on you I'm just checking in on you house uh oh Jesus who knows what how anything is I um I flew today so whenever I fly I'm a little bit scatterbrained you know I had the 7 10 a.m. flight so I had to get up at like 5 15 you know the shows didn't end to like 11 30 or whatever I couldn't get to sleep till like 2 so my call I gotta do is just make sure I don't miss the alarm clock get up get to the airport stumble through security and then not miss when they you know board the flight which I did so I get there and that's it you know I had myself a little parfait you know at that guy's fucking restaurant he's on the chew the guy with the shaved head

I went to his place and uh whatever I just got the granola with the uh with the yogurt and some blueberries or something something like that vaguely remember so I get on the plane and all I want to do is just go to sleep all right so I go to go to sleep and all of a sudden this fucking guy we get up to cruise an altitude and this guy you know stands up wide awake like I sort of got 6 foot 4 dad jeans you know he had these awful shoes these shoes that you'd wear with the suit you could tell he didn't want to pack like a pair of like leisure shoes so he just wore those with his fucking awful dad jeans and he is just talking loud as shit like one aisle up like I don't know where he walked

up from but it was a couple rows back and he came up he's just talking to the guy going up figure then we head to the hotel around 1030 then we get the meeting all set up and after that we can maybe try to decide what we're going to do with the game plan is for after lunch you know then I hear the other guy that can't understand what he's saying then the guy's like oh and I just wanted to like fucking yeah God was his fucking shoes with the two buckles on him two buckles really like how crazy are your feet that you got to strap them into that level you know because they have a mind of their own so he finally walks back he goes to yeah I wanted to fuck you when he left so I finally nod off and

I'm I'm like sleeping deeply and all of a sudden I just feel this pressure on my left arm and and I feel somebody shaking me and I wake up and it's a stewardess she's classed both my arms no my arm with both her hands like she's going to tell us that you know you get in the crash position or something I just look up at her I can't hear what the fuck she's saying and then I realize I have my headphones on so I just take the headphones off I was like what what's what's the matter she goes did you want breakfast today I mean yes some point now when I'm sleeping I didn't think they did that I thought the only time they did that was when you know if there was like an emergency like I'm sorry I know you're

sleeping but you got to bring your seat back up because God knows you know that's so fucking crucial to the level of injury you're gonna have at 37,000 feet right I know it's kind of hacky material but that's what you think right she woke me up see if I want a breakfast and I was just like I hope I wasn't an asshole I was like no I gotta get a hat that says I had a fucking parfait just let this old man sleep so I don't know I just then I couldn't get back to sleep so I started watching this season of the ultimate fighter and I don't I mean I know I've seen most of the seasons I forgot about this guy there was this guy the fuck was his name I can't remember but he just he was like in line to win the thing

and he got completely hammered kicked out the windows on a limo you know he just went crazy and he got kicked off the show and completely I guess blew his shot at being in the UFC so but he didn't quit he just kept fighting he's had like 40 fights since then so he got this big build up sort of the redemption house this year where it's people that you know were in it before and maybe didn't win I think that that's what it was like I said I was half asleep so I was watching his I was watching his whole pre-fight versus the French dude who you know was good with the kicks and shit and I'm watching this stuff and what's weird is to cut into the guy you know who got kicked off the show and one of his ears is sticking

out so much further than the other one like and what kills me is the early part of the training it isn't so something happened to him during training like what what the fuck happens to those guys ears I understand like all like the the fluid in him and stuff but this thing was just like I mean I can't it was like Mickey Mouse ear he had like one of those sticking like a straight out like it was signaling to make a left and the other one you know sticks out a little bit but not that far and they never addressed like what happened he said something cool one point he said yeah you know he goes I've been around the world I got the scars to prove it and I'm gonna go in there I'm just gonna beat

this guy down and that's exactly what he did and I was one of the few times I was excited that Mike the gate wasn't ready when we landed that's always the big jerk off you know when you get in early to the airport congratulations we're in 15 minutes early unfortunately our gate is not available of course it isn't because they weren't anticipating us being there and then there's no place to go you know they should have like a little fucking ice cream thing down at the end of the runway you know you peel off under a little taxiway you know but just gets a little fucking Sunday or some shit we just basically the guy said these gonna bring they're gonna bring us to a I believe you said desolate part of the airport

I know LAX well enough at this point what they did they just we just did a lap around the whole thing we landed on the whatever the fuck it is the south side of the fucking airport and we just landed because that's the side United is on which by the way I'd like to apologize to the guy who got dragged off that fucking flight the fact that I ever flew that airline again I already had my ticket I wasn't even paying attention I felt like such a fucking you know it's a fellow American that dragged off and even you know what even if he wasn't from here because I don't know where the fuck he was from I think they said he was going to China some shit just human being the human being you know I just felt

dirty riding on that fucking airline so that that's I think that's it with those guys you know unless somebody else does something worse and then we actually all realize that United was actually oh you know they were actually kind of reserve they smashed his cheekbone off the side of the I just can't believe they can make you get leave like no I'm not leaving I'm not leaving is the president getting on well then I'm not leaving plus nowadays the president has his own fucking plane to just kill me it's like what about that guy what about his plans what about his business what about his loved ones what about all of that shit just fucking dragging the guy off as he's screaming that was one of them I don't

know that was just that was just really you know what kills me is you know goddamn well the head people at United Airlines when they looked at that footage all they thought about was just damage control they didn't give a fuck about that guy I don't know am I out of my mind that should not have happened in a first world country that was just like some overthrow the government there's no rules anymore Jesus Christ I mean they just fucking manhandled that guy like he did something you know what he did he paid for a seat that's what he did and he got on and he put his stuff in the overhead compartment he sat down like he was supposed to then he got his fucking ass kicked well he got roughed up that'd be

more you know it's two minutes for roughing that's what you would get you know so anyway so I get back to the fucking LAX I'm still a little groggy or whatever and I always take taxis you know because nobody takes taxis out here so they're always available I just walk right out the guys there and I got a pet peeve on my luggage right like whenever you walk up with your luggage you know the driver goes to take it what they do is they push the button in to make the handle go down about three quarters of the way and then they just release it and then they and they just slam the thing down so I always go just wait a second wait a second I'm let me just do it and the guy just kept grabbing for it I said wait a second

guys looking at me good thinking I'm the dick it's like I'm not the dick all right so once you fucking mess up the handling once you mess up the fucking handle now what am I gonna do carry it like it's the 1970s I travel like a stewardess so I get the whole thing down gets in the car goes how was your flight I say it was great and he goes where you're going I tell him the address and he goes okay can you can you fucking type it into my phone I don't know am I an asshole it's odd no I don't know I want you fucking you can't fucking do you want to hey once you slide over I'll fucking drive I know how to get home all right Jesus Christ this is why I don't do the podcast one tip when I flew that day as I mentioned

yeah because I'm like extra crabby and I had a great time by the way out in Cleveland Ohio every time I come back there the downtown area is more alive I remember working at Hilarity's for the first time in 2004 was the end of 2003 I was doing New Year's first time at Jason Law I had in a bunch of Cleveland guys and I just remember just looking at the downtown area and there wasn't shit down there I mean I was staying at the Holiday Inn Express right around the corner and they had to give me a fucking escort home I was literally walking a block and a half and I was thankful that they gave it to me I did a fast-paced walk over to the club before the show so I remember looking across the street and it was this big

apartment building I remember just thinking like man if I had the fucking money I would buy that and redo it and I would be I would make a fortune on it and you know didn't have the money and now every time I go back they should see it now like like Hilarity's was the only game in town there on this dark street now you show up it literally I think I said this before looks like the fucking bullwinkle show there's a house of blues this is place called I don't know some craft beer places all of this shit this gift shop t-shirt store where they have all this stupid Cleveland stuff they look like they was soft t-shirts I liked a lot of them and I actually like Ohio but like the nickname for Cleveland calling it the land is just it's so bad

the land Pittsburgh the Berg is Cincinnati the Natty it's so fucking terrific I thought bean town was bad I always hated that growing up in Boston and the millennials started calling it the bean uh so in Cleveland they had these fucking t-shirts it says defend the land from what you succeeding from the union what are you talking about I was happy for them you know they won that championship and all that type of shit you know and they're looking good Jesus Christ absolutely fucking destroying the Toronto Raptors you know I was gonna say I had a theory about the uh you know if you name your team after some fucking movie shit like the Anaheim mighty ducks the Raptors we all know that's from Jurassic Park

like you're never gonna win a championship but goddamn ducks did but they had to stop being the mighty ducks I remember when they first came out they were the mighty ducks they had the exact same uniforms as those little kids which is basically the bad news bears on ice and then they would up on the diamond vision they would have like Emilio Estevez it clipped from the movie of him given a rah-rah speech to a bunch of children and I'll tell you when they actually won a cup after that shit that really hurt me as a Bruins fan going like did we lose to a fucking team named after a kid movie I don't know so anyways they've been kicking the shit out of them how about the Celtics Celtics continuing to fucking move through the playoffs up two games to none against the wizards

come on in he's on down he's on down the road I can't believe it the Boston Celtics brand of basketball other than their refusal to quit I cannot fucking believe that we're winning we don't get any rebounds we're soft in the fucking pain we live and die by the three I mean that was that right there that was just the death of you and somehow you know I know we're gonna run to that you know if we get by the wizards you never know what the fucking happened but when we run into that Cleveland Cavalier buzz saw that's that's just gonna be it it's gonna be it we're not gonna have enough fucking answers huh Kelly Olenek trying to cover fucking LeBron James or Al Horford what's he gonna do he's not gonna fucking you know anyways I mentioned a couple

podcasts ago that my wife had gone rogue when it came to the DVR and all that and I promised that she ever talked to her about it with you guys hey hey nene your request on the uh the podcast your request you know your your your presence is requested this is why I don't do podcast I hate when I fly um yeah you got a mic you got everything there you go all right now we're gonna have to have a nice measured conversation you don't touch my luggage you don't have it like comfortable for guests right now well that's why I never have guests hold on all right she's got to do the whole thing here who's this other person she wasn't she wasn't booked what's up baby how are you hi come on let's let's get let's get her situated

she's fine she's full she's changed um anyways Nia yes you've gone rogue you've gone you've gone rogue first of all welcome on the 10th anniversary we happy anniversary yeah that's pretty incredible it is 10 years of uh running my yep and no idea where this was gonna go and now look at me all these years later I remember sitting in my jeans and t-shirt yeah exactly like I was 10 years ago I have the exact same level of technology I don't have a theme song I haven't done anything although you didn't have a soundboard and stuff before you just used to like oh yeah I used to call the phone yeah you used to call the phone yeah how did that work you you called up some service uh yeah I used to do it when I was on the phone I would drive around and I'd be getting arguments

with other people in the cars and I would be at the airport and I'd just make fun of fun of people what gave you the idea to do a podcast I mean obviously it was became a big thing 10 years ago but was there somebody or something that happened that made you think like I need to get it on this you know I feel like I didn't choose podcasting I feel like podcasting chose me yeah no it was over Bobby Kelly's apartment Bobby Bobby right I was over there and he was like dude you should do a podcast so he just set the thing up yeah it was like Bobby Kelly shit Bobby into technology and I was like that and maybe in the old Krabby guy even back then go dude I don't want to do that stuff just do just set it up dude it's a good way to connect with your fans bro and he was right

yes he was he was right he was right on that one you know what he was wrong about you know Bobby Kelly was wrong about the mini cds mini cds many cds yeah when they was regular sized cds he talked me into getting a mini cd recorder yeah like that was going to take off and then I had to buy the microphone that was set up like a little t I followed him for like two months I followed him down over the cliff of buying every piece of technology and then I just went back to the fucking the way I was so anyways yes so Nia what's going on you know there's all these great shows out there that we used to watch together well better call Saul yeah Fargo meet me at the mall good season so far right all of these great shows yeah and you used to watch them with me and now

all of a sudden not only do you not watch them with me you kind of erase them or decide you know it was some other show not the shows I just mentioned there was some other show we started to watch and you decided that you were over it and you just you just stopped recording it okay well you know probably because there's a way to watch it on like the Roku or on demand not for me I can't figure that out I have showed you that countless times I know and show you again but I'm not going to keep but like hey how many times I told you how to shut the water off when there's a flood in the house there's certain things that we're good at huh oh you didn't like that did you know my eye contact really Nia Nia what what didn't you like about that comment

oh this is getting real this is like some Wendy Williams shit right now you stopped staring at me like you're gonna beat the crap out here to talk about the DVR and the TV show stuff we were I think that's what are you throwing that other evidence out that's what my agent told me is that what you're doing here I thought that was totally you to like flip the script it's not that's not what I agreed to so why people do not flip the script we we have a misdirection we changed the subject oh yeah I didn't I didn't agree to this I'm I'm here to talk about um television and you sound like Billy Bob Thornton on that radio show and he said don't forget my movie career just talk about my drum career that's right what's going on with you

I you know what did it you you changed what do you mean I've changed you've changed well first of all one of the things hasn't changed is your inability to talk into a microphone I'm sorry I love it just pointed at the side of your face I'm just saying now that we got the little one here yes well here's the thing Bill is that you're running around all day and so I'm here with her and so I watch the shows then because it's like there's not really much to do you know I'm just kind of breastfeeding all day there's not a whole heck of a lot to do with her uh so I watch it and because you're busy and then at night when we do get time to watch stuff you watch it for like 10 minutes and then you fall asleep just because I get up at 7 in the morning

to I I understand that but I don't so then I don't get a chance to really fair enough fair enough to get to erase it you got to erase it you got to make the decisions on like what I get to watch now like well that's it for you if you find if you turn on your Roku thing and uh download the news so simple like my mom does the Roku like it's that it's that easy so it's turning on and off a faucet outside the house all right well this has been fun I'm leaving you're not leaving no one's ever walked off this show what are you doing right now you keep belittling me of how easy it is to use Roku how is that belittling I said it's easy you're the one who doesn't have the patience you said now now now you said what did I say you said you even your mother can do it you insulted

me a little bit a little bit you insulted me a little bit why is my mother something that's I'm saying she's not the best at technology but she knows how to use you know what you're saying it's easy is what I'm saying all right and you know I thought there was gonna be a lot of comedy in this well you are woefully misjudged how this was going to go no I know I went rogue I I know I did but let's like here we go four minutes in all right I can't I mean I just can't sit around waiting for you to like watch 10 I got tired of watching episodes in 10 minute increment because you fall asleep and what am I supposed to do I'm not getting to the mic I'm not tired yet so I want to finish watching the show I gotta turn it off just because you fall asleep and it

takes like you know six weeks to get through two episodes that's insane I think you're exaggerating a little bit I am but the point is that I'm not gonna wait for your ass to watch shows anymore it's just we're not on the same schedule so it's doesn't it's not really practical for us to like watch tv together like that okay so that part of our relationship is over it's over all right well here's the thing yes stop deciding you know being judge jury and execution on the death penalty for the shows that we record okay and you know what's weird is you know I had all my Celtic games and Bruins games getting recorded I did not I did not like three times I didn't finish the accusation I know three times this season I had to go back to get to start you know

I had season record I had three times I had to go back and do it and somehow that never seems to happen to your shows only to my show so I can only surmise that the the DVR doesn't like me I did not know I contact change I will look right at you I didn't I didn't change the recording series for your sport stuff you've never been in the middle of recording two things that you like at the same time and this is all there's not enough space you need to stop recording on one thing and you never chose my stuff over your stuff no because it can record up to five things simultaneously all right you're recording five things and there's one more have you gone through the DVR list have you noted that like 98 percent of it is your stuff it's a complete lie you just it is not a bet

yes I do want to bet I'll bet that right now yeah I'll bet you what do you want to bet I don't know what should we bet well you the one brought it up um no I brought it to bet sorry I'm not I don't know let's just make a gentleman's bet okay well you know if I was dealing with the gentleman oh I'm a gentle woman how about that I'm a lady you're hostile I'm a lady a race in my stuff I don't appreciate it Bill you have that's two thousands you have Patriots games from three from three years ago it's a Super Bowl we want it but do you go back and watch it ever why is it sitting there yeah that's one thing I know but it's like four hours it's a Super Bowl I know we beat the Seahawks okay but are you gonna go back and watch it eventually

okay but everything else is gone I all the fast and louds I get rid of those I've seen all of those I get rid of all my Bruins and Celtics I get rid of those there's a bunch of games a bunch of sports related documentaries and stuff that you haven't watched because you don't have time to watch a lot of the TV which is fine but I'm just saying that's the reason why I have decided to just press forward okay fair enough well listen TV watching I wish you the best of luck in the future with your TV viewing no with your TV viewing I enjoyed watching TV with you oh and uh yeah it's just an end so okay well then let's figure out a solution like how can we get back on track how can we get this part of our relationship back on track this is like there I don't know

what can we do in order to get on the same page now look if you're bored out of your mind during the day and you need to watch a good show yeah by all means do it whatever I just needed an explanation I guess that's all right I'll learn how hey tell you what I'll learn how to use the Roku and you learn how to shut off the water the next time one of these old ass pipes burst what why is that such a big deal near why do you keep bringing it up and you're trying to like humiliate me and embarrass me I'm bringing it up because every time you talk the last time we had something happen like that I turned off the water I did and I called the plumber and they came the very next day yes I did so I'm tired of you making it seem like I don't know what the hell is going

okay I was here by myself you didn't turn it off baby yes I turned it off under the sink I did under the sink you turned it off yeah I did and that's not the house the crazy ass flooding that was going on that I cleaned up by myself I must have walked you out there 20 times it's a little valve it's like it's blue it's the color of water you just already told you why Roku was that easy I could do it I forgot to do that part okay I know and I called the plumber and they told me that it was fine and it was fine I know because we got lucky it's not like you made a judgment call going you know it's coming from there I would take it out from the front of the house you didn't just think you didn't do it you don't know what I was going through you weren't here I saw it in your

face you did and all you do all you do whenever stuff like that happens when you're on the road is give me shit no I will not you give me shit about it over and over again instead of being like I understand you were alone you were panicked you don't handle the situations thank god everything was okay thank god you're okay thank god the baby's okay well Jesus Christ I damn didn't break it's all about everything that I did wrong and how I didn't act the way you would have acted you know I think we learned here you know I think I we learned I don't appreciate it okay I don't appreciate it okay you guys listening right now is this what you wanted you wanted me to flip out are you not entertained here's the thing poking me and poking me about it that was months ago now like let it go

you've completely lost your composure yeah because you're pissing me off all right you know what I learned in this conversation nothing knowing you I have learned that I'm a little bit better handling criticism than you are no you are not listen no you are the most sensitive jackass I've ever met in my life but I only took it okay fair enough but I only took it to tit for tat you said oh and so you're petty too okay so I'm petty but I mean I'm not the one yelling and flipping out here I am a passionate person and when I am feeling a certain way I'm letting it go that's not a euphemism yes it is I don't even know what a euphemism is yes it is it's a nicer word for being a douche instead of saying instead hey listen to me instead of saying yes I did just like you

you know who to rise don't make wait no to run so right all right you're right no it's like instead of saying shell shock you say post traumatic stress disorder um instead of saying innocent people died you say collateral damage that's a euphemism oh all right okay so there you go instead of saying that you're an angry lunatic you say you're passionate I'm not you're the angry lunatic I think I can all agree not me I am not I am the steady easy one oh yeah really yeah yeah you're the crazy one do you remember when I had to threaten to like if you hit me one more time during an argument I'm not going to go out with you anymore when I met you you were a very different thrower and you were hit oh my god you just have you got to run for office you got an answer for everything

I was young and I was passionate you were immature I was young and immature and I didn't know how to handle my emotions and I do now okay all right why don't you just check yourself into rehab that's the other tap tap hot wave all right punched him in the face I need to go to rehab I never punch you in the face yes you did you did it on valentine's day I didn't put you in the face yes you did not in the face in the face yes yes in the face in the face you did you did I didn't punch you in the face yeah no I took you that fancy as sushi restaurant we were living in New York I took you down to that thing and the dude from the phone booth movie was there right oh I'm in a phone booth they won't let me leave Colin Farrell right he's in that fucking thing that nice low-budget

movie the whole movie takes place in a phone booth we love it low budget cute Irish guy right he was a ridiculous well you wouldn't know that when you the way you were looking at him in the sushi restaurant you just kept looking at the guy which was fine for the first you know 10 minutes then after a while you're just looking at another guy while I'm paying 10 times what sushi should cost you are so exaggerating what happened I wasn't staring at Colin Farrell the entire when are you going to validate my feelings yeah I believe there was a song written about everything you've said on this podcast back in the 80s it went something like this last last yeah the bigger the better I believe that was a

Thompson twins how long uh how long had we been dating before that incident I don't know but what ended up happening was I got in the cab and I bought it with the cab driver and I just said go hey buddy let me ask you a question stuck my big head through that stupid little window I go if you took your woman out on Valentine's Day for sushi all right famous guy walks in how long do you give her to look at the famous guy before after a while farming out our issues to the public for that long wow I never thought of it that way what do you mean farming out I don't know what I mean I was you know I had to I had to get some sort of victory I was trying to make dirty laundry I was trying to make you as upset as you made me and it and I did it a little too well because by

the end of the night we were back in the apartment and you came running out of the bedroom because of course I'm sleeping on the couch of course I'm sleeping on the couch I wasn't looking at anybody else and I paid for the move for the meal of course I end up on the couch and uh you said something like that I had something about bitching or something I said yeah well you're acting like one and I never called you that word and I'm sorry I heard you it's two little feet hit the floor was not the word in question that was not the word in question and you know it was a douche bag no it was not and you were saying why are you speaking to the microphone why you gotta act like such a you know what and I lost my shit no I didn't no I didn't no I didn't this is what I said

what did I say I didn't I would never say no because that's calling you one which I've never done never did that yeah you kind of did in there one time no I didn't you know you like to disguise it behind acting like uh see this is a thing can I tell you something here can I tell you like can I tell you something here you're acting like I didn't say you were a you're acting like a fair enough but here's the thing I've been with you for 14 years you have two incidents despite your behavior how many times you know what for those two incidents how many times did you hit me remember that time you came in you threw my laundry all over the living room you have freaking psycho yeah I remember that bunch of fluffy white socks and underwear like oh my god

another example of your passion I've I've showed unbelievable restraint dealing with a woman like you oh yeah a woman like me yes yes well congratulations you got a beautiful baby out of it that's right oh we had a good time yeah we had a nice run now it's all about her and evidently we're just gonna be watching separate stuff on tv no we can't be that couple we have to like you know still remain a tight I have to understand most times I fall asleep at night because you're watching those those women yelling at each other I hate those shows no I know I know that but we could be watching anything and you'll fall asleep because you do you get up super early you're really busy throughout the day it makes sense

so I get why you fall asleep but I'm just saying like it's hard to watch a tv show with you that way that's it okay all right listen it was nice talking to you I'll uh you know is that it do I have to leave now well I mean I gotta read some advertising if you want to sit here and listen to that oh Jesus I know you don't listen to me read out loud don't let her listen to that either because that'll be hope she doesn't get that from me get what your inability to read out loud you know what is this my brain goes too fast I thought if I slow down when you read to her it's so cute and so lovely oh yeah you guys don't know this I actually I rehearsed before the podcast I read the advertising to my daughter once upon a time warm things up this spring with a trip to

cerilas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties described as small but mighty the rose is 25 off this month at cerilas along with all ns novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop cerilas in indianapolis with six area locations and in anderson or shop online anytime at cerilas dot com at the time there was a company named loot crate all right be the envy of your friends to get 100 exclusive crates at loot crate dot com slash burr and enter my code burr burr to save three dollars off any new subscription maize loot crate theme is guardians the best surprise you know is coming

what the best surprise you know is coming isn't it the best surprise is that you know it's coming or is this the best surprise you know is coming i i i need to live with this line you do it the best surprise you know is coming that really annoyed me how easily you know is coming we'll be right back with more dancing with the stars loot crate offers an epic range of pop culture items for less than 20 a month that's right if you're more of a fanatical fashionista then try loot wear method man come on with that monthly wearables and accessories with cult classics and your favorite franchises in maize loot crate you'll find items from guardians of the galaxy two star wars destiny and the goonies jesus they're all over the map one minute you're

in space next thing you know you got a bunch of dirty face kids coming at you one lucky subscriber will also win a mega crate including a premium format Groot figure g r o o t whatever the hell that is from sideshow collectibles from guardians of the galaxy guardians of the galaxy group that's what that character is it's from guardians of the galaxy oh i thought that was like a was something called an acronym anapolis what do you call it an act actor actor him how do you say that word acronym an acronym yeah no i don't i don't know is that when it's like mad mother's gets drinking and driving is that an act or an act or him i can't say it

i'm sorry but i know what it is i honestly i'm not joking i can't say that word that is over 22.5 inches tall is why i suck at wheel of fortune i can't say the words i'd like to solve the puzzle that's an example of an acronym oh we're sorry bill oh god you haven't till the 19th at 9 p.m pacific to subscribe and receive that month's crate go to lucrate.com slash burr and enter my code burr to save three dollars off on any new subscription today oh look who's back everybody look who's back it's all zip it's a little harmony there are you hiring what are you do you know where to post your job to

find the best candidates now you don't post your job in one place isn't enough to find quality candidates wake up i love this copy just slaps you in the face if you want to find the perfect hire you need to post your job on all the top job sites and now you can find candidates in any city or industry nationwide just post once and watch your qualified candidates roll in to zip it is easy to use interface why don't they do this with other people you know what i mean like if you're missing something if a dog's missing why wouldn't you just post it there's got to be a zip recruiter for that right try to get felons or something just saying you could you could branch this out no juggling emails or calls to your office

quickly screen candidates rate them and hire the right person fast look at the gams on her you're hired lady ladies please send head to toe photos find out today why zip group has been used by fortune 100 companies and thousands of small and medium-sized businesses and right now my listeners can post jobs and zip recruiters free for free by going to zipprocuda.com slash burr that zipprocuda.com slash burr one more time hey time to try it for free go to old zip dot com slash burr all right last one legal zoom come on and zoom zoom zoom i zoom you remember that's we're gonna zoom i zoom i zoom i zoom i kind of come on give it a try a little before we're gonna show you just why we're gonna teach you to fly high come on and zoom come on and

zoom zoom legal zoom uh five things owners can count on from legal zoom number one reliability more than a million people have already trusted legal zoom to help start their business in corporations LLCs non-profits DBAs and more use legal zoom to get started the right way number two experience you can count on legal zoom for all the details i've got it honey they've been helping all types of business owners for over 15 years number three helpful support i don't you i hate when people list shit i get it you're great can we just get to the selling point here helpful helpful support they have the right people standing by ready for your questions all based in the united states you know that's kind of that's filler right there as opposed to what

non-helpful people in other countries well yeah that's kind of most most companies now aren't they hello my name is div number four legal advice legal zoom isn't a law firm but they have a network of independent attorneys they can review they can review supplier contracts help with your employment laws and advise you on many of the hurdles that pop up when you're running a business and finally number five no surprises legal that's kind of sad legal zoom provides complete transparency with upfront pricing customer reviews and a satisfaction guarantee and they will never celebrate your birthday without letting you know first check out legal zoom today so you know surprises nothing here check out legal zoom today to see how they can make your life better

for you and your business and don't forget to enter burb you are a check out to save even more legal zoom dot com all right well that's it neil what did you think about sydney crossby getting another concussion you know and then the penguins still i hope he's okay yeah still somehow come still being up three games is it three games to one yeah three games to one unbelievable i feel bad for josh Adam Myers he's really going through it right now his wizards are down oh two to the Bruins and his uh capitals are down three games to one oh he'll be all right yeah he'll be he'll pull through all right that's the podcast uh thank you everybody for listening and um happy anniversary happy anniversary happy anniversary happy anniversary why are we doing

that because it's your your podcast anniversary i thought you were mocking the end of our tv relationship podcast anniversary what you just you just go podcast at first i know i don't i don't know why i still can't hold the microphone in my hand well you know what neah here's to another ten years you're not speaking into the mic do you think you're going to be doing the podcast ten years from now absolutely i will only be doing the podcast i won't be acting anymore i won't be touring i won't be watching tv and not with me i will just be sitting in the room doing that stuff you know now i'll be hanging out with this little this little dumpling cutie pie huh yeah what's up buddy huh i get a smile do you want a contemplative moment um all right that's

it um hey i have to do my official sign off here and i can't do it in front of the kid even though i dropped the f bottom up a couple of times all right neah give me your microphone that you don't talk into and uh i don't know why don't you go watch something and erase it you know what i think i will you know i think the great michael jackson put it best when he said beat it beat it open up your mouth and feed it bye ladies close the door all right that's the podcast everybody have a great weekend your guts and i'll i'll the i don't know i won't check in on you i'll talk to you on monday all right that's it well wait you know what we're actually gonna have a little bit of music and then some of the greatest hits of um

the podcast gone by in the last 10 years oh by the way remember when i told you to check out that band the night game remember that well rumor has it rumor has it that they're gonna be opening for john mayer john mayer's got a big tour um going through the united states of americas one stop in toronto the rest of them all uh i imagine he'll go around the globe with it because it does say world tour so this is probably the first leg of it and it's got two bands opening up i forget the name of the other band but uh i believe uh the night game i don't know if that's official i hope it's official hoping not fucking anything up for anybody but uh that was a band i told you guys to check out uh davie litch the guy i take drum lessons from um is in that band with

a bunch of other amazing studio musicians songwriters they sound amazing so if you do catch john mayer this summer don't show up late don't hang in the parking lot shotgun and beers or whatever the hell you kids do nowadays taking your molly smoking your meth right whatever the hell it is you kids do nowadays make sure you get in in time to um to check out the night game and i'm sure the other band is just as good because it doesn't seem like mayer brings any cupcakes out on the road you know what i mean like you know sometimes comedians will do that they'll take somebody on the road that isn't it's funny you know what i mean so they don't bring too much heat you know but the really funny guys they don't do that shit all right but not me i bring cupcakes out on the road like jota rosa

the original cupcake he's he jota rosa is the cupcakes cupcake of stand-up comedy i miss that guy man i gotta have it back on the podcast at some point all right enjoy the music and the uh the greatest hits i'll talk to you on monday me you so what's going on is so bright this is my my fucking podcast and Bobby Kelly set it up isn't this interesting listen i'm going to figure out how to do this thing and if it's already bored you just hit the the stop button why are you doing that put the click button down

what can actually at the bottom of the podcast under my face page at the bottom of the five okay at the bottom at the what at the bottom of my page right underneath right underneath podcast right they hit subscribe oh right underneath the podcast you can hit subscribe so that we'll go right to your any time there's a new podcast anytime there's a new podcast we'll go right to you where you're at that's what's going to happen that's going to help fill the void all right this is fucking horrific but you know this is uh this is the beginning of uh something mediocre so i want you guys to tune in all right now what do i do i hit by his town okay so

i know hey what's going on it's bill burr and this is the monday morning podcast for monday may 4th 2009 and i think this is the 15th time i've tried to do this podcast as you can tell my voice is a little bit tired i was just working carolines in new york city and i did six shows and i think i overdid it a little bit even though i was drinking tea you know start doing that drinking tea with a little bit of honey in it before my shows doing a little fucking vocal warm-up you know i mean you know so i can save my instrument i know that's the gayest fucking thing ever isn't it i don't give a fuck i have to do it i also end up sounding like this when i when i when i

don't do it you know i don't know it was a weird week in new york i didn't do anything i just i was holed up in my my hotel like fucking howard hughes that's what i do like the further east i go the more fucked up it is for me to get up in the morning to do radio obviously because if i have to get into the radio station at seven a.m east coast time that's four a.m my time and uh that's how we end up getting sick burning at a both ends so i started taking these vitamin c pills because they were freaking everybody out about the fucking swine flu which once again turned out to be nothing how many flues in a row are they gonna scare the shit out of us about you know and you'll notice every flu it's like like how did it come about

it's always somebody had sex with an animal somebody in another country had sex with an animal which is so like nobody is fucking animals in this country you know i think the cia puts the shit out they're just doing some experiments they need to thin the fucking herd so what they do is they just put the shit out and then they just blame foreigners and then they add bestiality into it so then it just makes sense to joe lunchbox you know you can just see him sitting around the fucking canteen truck the roach coach whatever you call it in your neck of the woods you know do the fucking swine flu you know what we tell what's the sign for do some guy down in mexico dude he fucking he fucked a pig he fucked a fucking pig you know we got plenty of pigs in

this country you don't see anybody fucking them those fucking people in mexico fucking pigs dude it's just like aides those fucking some guy in africa you know he fucks a monkey and he jerks off the stewardess next thing you know i gotta wear condom it's fucking bullshit dude we should close the fucking borders um notice that was all done in a pseudo boston accent because that's where i heard most of those conversations as i was growing up um when i worked in a warehouse and i gotta admit some of the times i was the guy saying him as i went out and i got a sausage king for breakfast for my 10 30 a.m break remember that shit you worked in the warehouse and you're just sitting there and it's a monday and the days just mondays didn't crawl tuesday's crawled

monday you was so fucking bleary eyed from your weekend that the day in some weird way kind of went by quickly you know plus you know you're kind of excited to get back to work whatever girl day you kind of got a crush on you're trying to figure out how to fuck her you haven't seen her in a couple days so you got that level of excitement you know you got all that going on maybe a big your team won the big game the day before even if they didn't you got something to talk about so monday goes by quick but then tuesday tuesday is when it hits you fuck i work here i hate this this is going to be the same shit all over again what the fuck am i doing with my life and then it just drags ass i don't know about you guys but back when i had a real job before i i i just

did this bullshit um i can't even begin to tell you how fucking long tuesday seemed it was almost like the like the clock it it was like they had like a phony clock on the wall and every minute was actually two minutes you know i'm telling you it went by slow people why did i need to give that last example i don't know what but all i know is what i must have looked at the clock like 85 times before 1015 when the roach coach would come in and it would blow its horn that you know but that got that that but that got that it didn't do that it was something else i can't remember but it was one of those fucking fancy horns and everybody would just uh remember it was lose this shit it was like the adult version and when the ice cream

truck came down the street remember that old lady murphy bit the ice cream man is coming same shit but for adults and then i would literally go out there and i would either get a slice of pizza off of this truck for those of you who always just had a white collar job you never you know those those canteen trucks right the silver looks like a pickup truck in the front the back it's all silver then they lift up the side and there's all kinds of fucking uh that's where the fucking swine flu comes from god damn it probably those fucking trucks but anyways then i would go out there and i would literally get like a slice of pizza like this i don't know who made it you know what i mean where where was it made and you get that or i get like a sausage king at 1030 in the

morning 1015 in the morning and i would just eat that thing after booze and all weekend probably downing every bit of 30 fucking beers all right probably getting six hours sleep if i was lucky i had season tickets to the patriots i abused my body on that day and then i would finish it off every day just eating a fucking sausage king or a slice of pizza just something horrific and because i was young i had a washboard middle i mean granted i was working out but i'm at the age now i i would i'd have to have to be on a treadmill the entire fucking day it's just cruel so if you're in your 20s enjoy it enjoy it and develop some good fucking eating habits because uh those days don't last right admit it old people don't you walk into mcdonnell sometimes and you're

feeling all fucking guilty and you just see some douchebags not even douchebags you're just mad because they're young and they're over there laughing having a great time everybody's fucking in shape chowing down you know to make yourself feel better you're looking over there going there's four people over there you know what statistically speaking one of them's gonna drop over heart attack and i'm still living so fuck it it's not like i started my life at this age i'm doing all right right yeah let me get the number three with a root beer i'm sorry sir we don't have root beer it's sprite okay is sprite even remotely like a root beer huh you ditzy cunt why wouldn't you say coke at least they're both brown all right sorry um anyways this is the

Monday morning podcast i do one of these every single week out of the goodness of my heart all the horrific things i do all week long i wash away all of them every monday by doing this podcast for my listeners that's what i do that's why i do it this is how i repent considering i don't go to church anymore you know i haven't been to confession confession how fucked up was that you go in there and you rat yourself out to some other fucking douchebag and he's acting like he's acting like oh you got you got to come to me and then i'm gonna tell god like god didn't watch everything that i just did you know i could i could do that shit in my bedroom you know what i mean that's like uh that's like when you got old technology you know what i mean like me i just bought an

ipod not knowing that phones are basically ipods now yeah it's just stupid it's an extra fucking ah that's a terrible example what am i trying to think of what am i it's like they got wireless mics now for some reason i got a cord on this one i could be walking all around my apartment making me a making myself a sandwich and i'm not that's another bad example jeez i'm in a fucking hole here you know what i'm saying i haven't been to confession in a long time and uh i don't know i would actually like to start going to church again what do you think about that is anybody got any good suggestions out there we got a church where it's not the catholic church it's not a church where the person you're in church with started the religion and it's somehow become a christlike

figure and is trying to brainwash you that it's okay for him to start having sex with your children i don't join a cult okay somewhere between a cult in an organized religion and i don't want any fucking mr good vibe shit either why don't i start a church there we go i know that's right because i'm not qualified i don't know what you know what is i like the discipline of church i was speaking of that you know what dudes i that i say dudes what kind of asshole still says that you know what dudes let me lay this one on you i did bought the bob and tom show i've been on the road for two weeks by the way this is basically what happened i was working

columbus ohio and then i was going on to work carolines in new york city so i had back to back weeks on the road and after that i can tell you what's underrated you know what's underrated sleeping and your own fucking bed is underrated having access to your entire wardrobe is underrated being able to rub one out and not have to put a please don't clean the room now sign on your door that's also that's also overrated remembering what the fuck you were talking about that's overrated hey does anybody have like a help your memory like brain game that i can start playing because i'm starting to really believe that your brain is a muscle because i am really losing my train of thought at a

disturbing amount every single day now and i was just reading this story about uh you know that that aster lady who passed away in new york the aster family aster place and all that type of shit she i guess she got all simers and it sounded like a fucking horrific way to go so i started thinking like well what if i start playing pictionary what if i go to toys are us and i buy that game that's supposed to help kids memories you know we got the cards you know and you turn one over it's an owl and you try to find the other owl and then you try it and it's an owl and then it's a basset hound and you're like fuck you know and then your parents go i knew you weren't going to amount to shit right remember that game isn't there is there an adult version of that that

anybody can recommend because seriously i i really don't want to go out like that is anybody staying up on that whole aster family fucking thing with a guy evidently was the son as the as the uh the older aster lady went into her senile years he just started you know rewriting her will so he get all the cash um that's a weird fucking family the asters it's like the the whole that lady the lady who just died a couple years ago she gave away like 200 million dollars to charity but if you look at how they got this shit they were slum lords like a century worth of people died of tuberculosis in their fucking damp dark fucking walk-in closet apartments that they had and then after a while they felt guilty so they started giving it away but you know what i'm on

to your game they ever tell you my theory about statues unless you're like an artist an entertainer a sports person or whatever you know if there's a statue of you unless you're you're one of those kinds of people you did something fucked up you know does that make any sense to you like Stevie Ray Vaughn got a statue right what did he do he made albums he played guitar i'm sure he hurt some people around him at some point you know swung his guitar around the strap broke and he fucking smashed some chicken the teeth maybe that happened you know what i'm just saying generally speaking he didn't hurt anybody but then you look at these other guys you're like who the fuck is that guy anytime this is a fun exercise next time you walk by a statue when you're looking at

like who the fuck is that guy go on the internet and just google whatever his name is and then write robber baron after it or some sort of just write corrupt and google it and watch all the fucking articles you find granted you know you're not really you know you know i never really googled that you know the same name and great guy i never do that either because i just get a thought in my head that's what a lot of people do when they go on the internet you have a thought in your head what you fucking think somebody is or what the fuck's going on and then you just google shit and the way you google it it's so everyone will support you you know like if you think someone's an asshole you're like you know brian jones douche and then you google and then all these artists

come up and then you go there you go look at all the articles right see he is a douche you know you're supposed to just google the guy's name and then then piece through him i never do that i'm actually yelling at myself right now you guys want to hear a story um oh before i get into that i got i got i got a rectify something i said last week you know i was talking about how Pontiac went out of business and i was saying the trans am was like their best car and i was like what else did they have after that it goes to the sunbird then the Pontiac t-1000 there's a major drop-off i uh i stand corrected later on that day i was laying in bed and actually sat up right and i was like how the fuck did i forget the Pontiac gto you know the Bonneville they had a lot of

good cars it's not the Aztec i'm looking right now the top 10 Pontiacs of all time and they actually put the Pontiac Aztec if that wasn't the ugliest fucking vehicle other than the Chevy Lumina remember that thing Chevy fucking Lumina all right so here's something for you guys you want to you want to look i'm really into cars and that type of shit if you want to see one of the most fucked up looking vehicles of all time google this i'm not even asking you i'm telling you google this the uh gmc future liner all right and however you spell it you're going to be able to find it um this was something that they made in like the 1940s they had this thing called the parade of progress is a great youtube video that's something else you can google the parade of progress and they

had these i can't even explain what they are it'd be like picture of a toaster ate a winnebago that's what this fucking thing looks like are you looking it up right now you at your desk you sitting there you cubicle pretending like you're doing your real work you got to look this thing up i apologize to people on planes right now or if you're on a treadmill but you got to look this fucking thing up i want to i i i'd never even heard of these things and i was watching one of those auto shows you know all those rich cons go out and they they spent two million dollars on a Mustang so now i can't buy one well this uh they actually more than a couple hundred thousand but this thing actually went for like a million dollars maybe even more um it actually to look

at it from the side it looks like it has four wheels but each wheel is doubled you know like those dually pickups so it actually has eight wheels and like i said it literally looks like the jolly green giant had a toaster with wheels on it this is what the fuck the thing would look like but um i don't i think 99 percent of of americans have never seen this thing and if you ever had one of those and just drove it down the fucking street a bunch of people would look at you and isn't that isn't that what we're all asking for everyone's gonna look in your direction and be like wow who's that guy is he a rebel um all right i gotta read this fucked up email before this isn't even the podcast this is just me bullshitting around here let me get into uh

here's a story somebody sent to me which brings up an interesting debate here uh she says hey bill my name is so-and-so i'm just writing to let you know you're my favorite comedian i really can relate to everything you say not sure if that's good or bad hello fucking hell um i bought tickets to see you on friday at carolines in new york i spent over 200 on tickets about a month before so that me and my friends could go and have a grand old time well lo and behold of course this shit only happens to me we get on the train two hours before you go on so we can get there plenty of time and watch the show but lo and behold what happens some fucking lady decided that she was gonna end her life and get hit by the train in front of mine i know it's a sad thing and i should feel bad

but fuck that i was like really lady are you serious of all the fucking trains it had to be the one that i was on that got delayed two hours i'm like fuck if you want to kill yourself because you know because you're miserable with your life go shoot yourself to jump off a bridge but don't make us all suffer so anyways long story short i only got to see the last 30 minutes of your show which was great but i was disappointed that we couldn't see the whole thing i'm not sure when you'll be in new york again i'm sure your website will post uh will post a date whenever it will be well you're probably wondering why the fuck i'm writing you well i have to vent to someone that's on my level of understanding understanding people suck jesus christ oh i'm sorry uh sorry to hear

that you know you should have you should have told me that story you know i would have fucking i would have tossed your dvd at the end would have given you something for your your uh your troubles um you actually bring up a good point you know if you're gonna kill yourself uh it's bad enough you're gonna make everyone around you suffer but do you want to make complete strangers suffer delay their night of fun what a fucking way to go jesus christ i can tell you right now uh there is no way to do a thorough cleanup after somebody jumps in front of a fucking train there's no fucking way you're getting every piece you know what i mean there's no way if you don't believe me uh why don't you go get a flank steak and stick an m80 in it and light it off in your kitchen

clean it up to the best of your ability and i guarantee you six months from now you're going to be fine and shit in the curtains you know there's just uh and yeah for those of you who didn't wonder this is a very educational podcast that's that's what like jumping in front of a train is that's exactly what it's like lighting off an m80 in a flank steak in a kitchen all right so right now even if you press stop and you never listen to the rest of this you actually fucking learn something all right so here we go this is the podcast this is what the fuck i do i do it every single monday people send me questions and uh information we have a list of stuff that's overrated and underrated uh people send me stories about revenge and all that type of shit

have i really been talking for fucking 20 minutes is that true did i fuck up again you know what there's no way for me to know ah shit i have to hit stop fuck fuck all right so i fucked up you know i i thought i uh jeez i can't even tell you what the fuck i thought i can't even explain it i thought i uh i thought it was only three minutes into the podcast i looked down and said 19 minutes and i thought i fucked up i thought i started the podcast at the end of another fucked up podcast and it turned out i didn't so there's just going to be two tracks this week which a lot of you i actually should probably enjoy on some level because a number of you give me shit about how big my files are oh they take too long to download man well why don't you upload

upload upgrade your fucking technology what do you want from me i don't know how to do this shit stop giving me shit all right fucking people every week people seemed to like last week when i was all hungover so a lot of people said that was one of my best podcasts of all time but there was a couple people who actually went out of the way to tell me that they thought that it sucked you know don't do anymore hungover podcast okay i thought that one kind of sucked women really didn't like it did i say something really mean about women because the only ones who didn't like it were women you know i don't know if you have drunk boyfriends you know or spouses he was such a swell guy and then after we got married everything was going it was going great

and then one day at work he heard his back and then he started taking pain pills and then he had an episode of intervention you know so is that what it reminded you of i wasn't trying to piss anyone off all right um so anyways having survived the epidemic in new york city the swine flu epidemic i was so sick of them using the words epidemic and pandemic you know i was like what the fuck is the difference so basically an epidemic is when you i guess it's some sort of whatever it's some sort of disease or some shit but it's it's confined it's confined to one country i guess and a pandemic is is global you know and if it's just in an area in a country that's a breakout but the definition of an epidemic ever evidently what makes something an epidemic

according to wikipedia i'm saving you guys time you don't have to look it up and read it because that's where i get it from an epidemic is basically uh it basically says defining an epidemic can be subjective depending in part on what is expected an epidemic may be restricted restricted to one local locale an outbreak like i just said more general an epidemic or even global pandemic because it is based on what is expected or thought normal a few cases of a very rare disease like rabies may be classified as an epidemic while many cases of the common common diseases like the common cold would not you know what i mean so basically if you know five people had rabies out here in la that would be considered an epidemic because that's five more than they expected

but if everybody had the fucking ass flew you know they'd be like well you know we told them the where condoms um all right let's get to the uh overrated underrated here for this week uh overrated this guy sends in he said uh red socks sweeping the Yankees in april i thought that that was hilarious because not only is that true it is just april but what i really found funny is that if the Yankees swept the red socks that dude would not think that it was overrated he would be like you see we're fucking on you guys fucking boston you guys fucking suck everything closes by one this fucking city so fucking lame can't even get a fucking slice um i don't think the red socks sweeping the Yankees in april is overrated you know you know i think it's overrated spending

four hundred twenty million dollars on three fucking guys what do you think about that that's fucking overrated spending two hundred million dollars a year to not win the world series is overrated i don't understand why don't the Yankees trust their farm system oh i know why they don't trust them because all their farm system has ever given them is lu garig joe demaggio mickey mantle derrick jeeter andy pettit bernie williams whore hey posada why the fuck would you why would you wait around to build a team when you can go out and spend hundreds of millions of dollars on shitheads they can you fuck them they're not gonna win it again this year fucking unbelievable i was sitting there going to four hundred twenty million dollars on three

guys there's no fucking way you know and tashara was on the angels last year i mean that guy he looked like a beast i don't know i actually went to yankee stadium on sunday new yankee stadium i gotta admit i really had a lot of mixed emotions uh as i as i got out there i got off and i looked at old yankee stadium i'm like that's yankee stadium you know i don't know i'm a sentimental jackass i'm into the history you know i loved going into that place that fucking place was awesome you know even though so many horrific things happen to the red sox there i mean jesus if you're any sort of a sports fan you got it you gotta respect that that's the uh that's the number one stadium in all four sports without a doubt 26 fucking championships not even those fucking sissy's up in montreal can say

that you know hey what did i ask you guys this question what do you think is the most overrated team with like like as far as that has like the most amount of championships i was talking to this with the with the guy the other day like you ever notice like in any sort of league there's always like uh there's always one team in the in the inception of a league that always goes on a run in the beginning and they go on such a run that you know basically for the most part it's going to take another century to catch up with them if you even can you know you don't know what i'm saying like look at the Celtics the Celtics went on that run in the 60s it's like come on man you see what people look like they they they barely were like the league just started

you know what i mean i mean you look at that shit the way they play like i think i could have fucking made the final cut you know and then you got the Yankees they they they won way back a whole bunch back in the three stooge's era but uh i really don't disrespect the baseball one once once they let black people and latinos in and that type of shit the Yankees still fucking dominated but uh i i think i might have to go with the canadiens just for the simple fact that there were only six teams you know what i mean so i think it's kind of easy much easier to go on a run and hockey than it was in basketball or even baseball because i think baseball had like uh how many teams do they have like jeez i probably should have looked this up i i used to know this

shit i think they had about 14 16 i was like i'm maybe 12 teams um but here's another thing too back in the day when when you went to the world when if you won the division that was winning the pennant you know and then you just immediately went to the world series there wasn't fucking a round of playoffs before the world series for a while until they got passed a certain amount of teams and uh you know when a Stanley Cup you had to win eight games that's a whole another fucking deal you know what i mean like nowadays like all these all these teams there's like 30 teams in every single fucking league now so now you got a one in 30 chance as opposed to back in the day look at hockey you had a one in six chance of winning the cup and this is something else i didn't

notice either the month that the Toronto Maple Leaf hung with the canadiens right up till 1967 they were like neck and neck they were like 15 Stanley Cups verse 13 fucking Toronto was right there man and then they just they just shit the bed my whole life then i was born i think i'm cursing the Toronto Maple Leafs um whatever i'm just i'm you know what before the canadiens get pissed i'm just breaking your balls because i know you guys you won like would you win seven cups in the 70s is that what you did i think you did and that was with the expansion 12 but even that was bullshit because then they took the expansion six and they just put them in their own fucking division so then all you had to do was just

win the other division and then you went up against like the fucking st louis blues like we did i like the north stars or some shit all right that last three minutes were was for the fucking sports nerds all right let me move on here oh i didn't say so i went into new yankee stadium and i i got a mid like i don't know man i i it was i got it was weird because you were looking at the yankees i felt like i was at legends field you know i was like those are the new york yankees but this is not their house i don't feel i don't feel the history you know um and i also gotta admit it kind of looked like every other fucking stadium except it had that cool facade the facade is the shit outside of the stadium is the ship and inside it

just kind of is like fucking voice cracks inside inside the stadium it just kind of looked like uh i don't know i think i might like pack bell a little better i'll have to go again you know what some amazing shit has to happen there for that's that's the same all of those fucking things i guess go to shea stadium and even after the red sox won it i would still look at that spot where the ball where the ball went through buckner's legs except after we won it then it would i then i also saw the humor in it but until then until that point i didn't all right moving on here all i didn't all right moving on here all right the other thing that people say is uh overrated the people's people's kentucky derby picks i hate how all these people who basically only

watch three horse races a year they only watch three horses races a year yet they they give me they come up to me and they give you uh you know something half this isn't fucking me you know what i was actually gonna blame the guy who fucking wrote that but i can't you know that's actually how i've read it all right let me let me start over again people's kentucky derby picks i hated how all these people who basically only watch three races a year yet yet no you did fuck up yet they give you their derby picks and they say shit like it's gonna be a sloppy track today this horse thrives on a sloppy track does he you know what that was such a great fucking point i really butchered that yeah i know everybody starts acting

like they're fucking jack clugman you know what the rolled up program nobody gives a fuck about horse racing you know back in the day horse racing and boxing used to be the number one sports granted there was no football baseball and hockey basketball none of that shit was around and then when it was around it took a while for it to take over this is just all going to be sports this week uh paper view boxing matches are overrated they're never worth the money it's just all about the marking i'm glad i didn't spend $50 on the hat and pocky was it pocky pocky oh fight because uh it was on youtube for free about two hours later although i will buy pocky oh pocky how have you say his name may weather if that happens well that's good to know sir

underrated uh how gay those frilly boxing trunks some fighters wear i think it's i think it's see this is the shit i can't read it because it's too fucking small i'm going i'm getting old here i think it's hysterical when some fighters come out wearing some something liberace would wear and then they just get the shit beat out of them this guy really wrote some funny shit i'm just butchering it i guess i can never be a fucking newscaster let me try that again okay underrated how gay those frilly boxing trunks some fighters wear see you that's a fragment that's what trips me up should say how gay some of those frilly boxing trunks are that some of the fighters wear i think it's hysterical when someone a fighter comes out wearing something that only liberace

would wear and then he goes on to get the shit kicked out of him say they that's what i'll do i'll get the gist of it i'll just paraphrase underrated uh massages with happy endings for a hundred bucks you get a 60 minute massage that ends with an agent an asian chick beating you off and to top it off at the end for no extra charge she'll give you a table shower which is basically a bath it's how god must get a hand job dude you write really funny shit i mean i'm not telling you to go out there and you might you might get a future there son there's sunny boy hey getting back to the uh the uh the swine flu shit there was a bunch of people walking around new york with those masks on those little surgical masks how fucking hilarious is that

it's an airborne virus i don't understand the thought process you're breathing through the mass what is it what is the well oxygen gets through but not the pig virus the oxygen is just a wee bit smaller than the pig virus pig virus just hits the front of the mask and then that's it i was on my flight today flying out here from new york city and uh this is sort of weird and i want to know from my uh my asian constituents whatever the fucking word is um there was about six people on the plane who were all wearing those surgical masks like they were going to amputate somebody's leg during the civil war or doing a fucking guest star on mash they were wearing and they were all asian only the asians were wearing those and what is that from

was that because they had to live through sars and and they made it by the grace of god but there's for some reason like attributing the uh the masks to it does anybody know does anybody know out there anybody anybody out there in podcast land all right i have to do the fucking math here up to 29 minutes not to go too long all right by the way uh bill congratulations on the Celtic speeding the bulls but i want to know how you feel about derrick rose just basically bitch slapping brian scallobreen in game seven with that nasty ass block uh considering we won the series i think i feel pretty fine about it i actually did a show that night and i miss game seven but uh you guys are gonna be great man you guys have a great young team and uh that guy brian scallobreen is

that the fucking dude who looks like uh jesus christ i always forget his fucking name what is that actor's fucking name i always think michael mattson and then that screw on matthew modine i always think there's an m in it you know the guy he was in cop land he played the cop that had to disappear uh what is his fucking name that's exactly what that fucking dude looks like oh shit he started that that short-lived sitcom the war at home actually it lasted a season so that's actually successful these days the way they cancel the fuck is his name i swear to god man i'm like literally i'm losing my mind here now we have to google it i have to take time out of the fucking podcast

the i have type with one hand because i'm holding my monday night football fucking microphone here the war at home doesn't sound like he trying to uh michael rapaport there we go that's what he looks like he looks like michael rapaport i went to that celtic's utah jazz game out in utah where garnett got hurt and then michael rapaport dude i watched him have one foul in the first half and then he fouled out in the third quarter in the span i swear to god of four minutes i haven't seen any shit like that since darryl dockens and i swear to god that's the end of the sports shit all right for the rest of you here we go we're gonna move on here uh moving on to the next part of the podcast where the fuck am i okay somebody wants my advice dear bill i guess this

falls under the i need advice column of the podcast uh my 30th birthday is four days before your 41st according to wikipedia and i got to admit that i'm not looking forward to it i just feel like i'm getting old and it sucks i work with this kid who's 23 and uh one day a couple weeks ago i caught myself in the middle of a speech about how lucky he is to be 23 and how as a dude that's the perfect age 23 years old all i all i could remember was at that age i had pussy falling out of my pockets and let's just say things have dried up since then i promptly shut the hell up when i realized i was starting to sound like my dad but the kid was actually listening to me and asking questions about typical guy shit so basically what i'm asking is what advice would

you please offer to me about relationships and life in general you know like if i knew what i knew oh what i know now kind of shit thanks in advance all right so obviously dude your relationships aren't working out so you've made the uh the brilliant decision to ask someone who's never made a relationship work actually my relationship now is working right um what is the advice oh jesus christ what the fuck do i uh be selfish there you go that's a good one i mean in your dating i'm literally tangled up in the fucking wires here all right that's what you gotta do you gotta be selfish and uh before you start date before you get back out just just make a list of shit that you want you know like practical shit don't be like big tits fucking round ass she's

she's gotta have nice toes uh you know what else what the fuck else is there nice face you know dress is nice but not a fucking whore you know what i'm saying um you gotta have some other shit too i don't i i mean i haven't been able to uh get married yet so that seems to be the pinnacle of uh what makes a healthy relationship for some fucking reason but uh i did have a buddy of mine and who was a complete fucking maniac and he got married and i asked him uh how he went about doing it and he just said he just he dumped all the fucking you know you know all those girls you got in your cell phone as much as you're just saying the dried up you know you got all those numbers in your cell phone you know those numbers those numbers you only call it 1 32

o'clock in the morning you know those girls you gotta sever ties with those girls because it's just it's too fucking easy it's like it's like it's like junk food if you got it laying around in your house you're gonna become a you're just gonna you're just gonna eat it you open the bag you eat the whole fucking thing and then you're sitting there going why the fuck did i do that you know didn't i write a blog i wrote a blog about that how whores are like the the human equivalent to a fucking bag of Doritos um how the fuck is it 19 minutes again what's 19 and 19 huh 38 there we go okay i got another 12 minutes here um yeah so just really figure out what the fuck you want and this guy one of the great things he did was he if he found out he found out a girl

he was dating one of the first questions he'd asked is if her parents were still together and if they were still together he there would be a second date and if they're if they weren't still together there wasn't a second date and uh i know a lot of people get offended about that shit but that's a great way to get a pure bread you know other shit you know i don't know you you just got to make a list of what the fuck you want but you really got to stop uh you got to stop fucking with the horse and it's a hard thing it's definitely a hard thing and uh geez i'm just i'm a little jet lag here dude if you ask me something a little more specific i'm better when you ask me specific things because if you ask me an overall question like that all right what else can i

come on bill think uh all right everybody's nuts including you and uh so you gotta you gotta find you gotta pick someone that compliments you are crazy you know what i mean you can't and you think you want to get somebody who's the same kind of crazy so then you guys relate to each other but that's that's not good because then you're both going bad shit at the same time and when that happens you neither one of you have anybody to call to bail you out of the holding cell um you know what i mean um what else Jesus fucking christ uh don't date those girls who say they used to be a whore but now they're not don't date those girls um what else i don't fucking know dude i'm i'm i'm really trying here you know what to write write me back next week ask me something more specific

i'm just really i'm going blank here i'm really i'm really choking on this one i usually have a ton of shit to say why is my fucking software updates are available for your computer do you want to install them no i'm doing a fucking podcast not now uh shit well you know what if anybody else out there has some fucking advice to give them obviously i got i got nothing i only have advice about how to get out of relationships like that dude that one time it was asking me and you know what the biggest thing i actually had to email him back i forgot to tell him was when he was getting away from that just to do a recap he was with this girl she had a couple kids with another guy and he was kind of in the relationship with her

and he was semi-passed out when he was drunk and when when he woke up she was fucking flirting with with his best friend so he's trying to get out of the relationship and i told him basically he knew what he needed to do but i forgot the number one thing that i uh i forgot to tell him was under no circumstances should he ever fuck that girl again uh you gotta watch out for those girls that already have kids by somebody else you really gotta watch out in general you gotta watch out during that breakup time you really gotta watch out because there's a lot of crazy fucking people go nuts guys and women go nuts guys could get physical they could start stalking you they go that route women can get crazy and accidentally take themselves off the fucking pill

in some sort of fucked up desperation either to keep it going or even worse some sort of vengeance thing they just not thinking clearly and then they get knocked up and next thing you know they're thinking clearly and they don't want the fucking kid either and you're joined to the hip so wear a fucking condom that's another thing too wear a fucking condom and uh yeah do that shit wear a condom you know that's another good thing too if you get with a girl and she you know starts asking you if you've been tested and that type of shit that's a good thing you want a bronx tail like lock the door test hook up with the girl all right and when you get ready to do the deed don't bring up a condom and if she doesn't flinch you know stand up and just

walk out with your heart on no one has the fucking strength to do that but at least for the love of god fucking put one on all right that's it do that that advice really sucked i'm telling you just ask me something more specific i'll try to help you out um all right let's get to the final thing that i'm going to do this week a little jet lag this week and it's hot as fuck in this room for some reason i can't open the goddamn windows because it picks up every sound from the street last week i actually asked a question about uh how to change the the default on my computer for the size of the font when i type out my files uh because i'm really bad at computers and uh somebody actually helped me out with it like that day it's really simple if you're in apple works

you go to edit uh up on the toolbar there you click on edit i can do it right now click on edit and what are you waiting what the fuck this doesn't make sense go to edit no you don't click on apple works that's what you want to do go on apple works and you click on preference preference preferences all right let me start over again you go to apple works click on that you go into preferences and then you click on general and uh let's see if i can do this here oh yeah then you'll see your default size is right there and then you just click on the fucking arrow and you can pick one other size and then you hit okay that's how you do it i know that's very basic if you guys have some more difficult fucking questions you want to ask them on this podcast

i will read them and there's computer nerds out there that cannot wait to fucking help you what else do we got here i think i have i think i just have a fucking hangover story and then our vengeance thing wow i'm really losing momentum here i don't know what to do it's like the beginning of fucking six million dollar man you know when that little fucking kite that he's flying why don't they ever show that fucking show in reruns that's one of the greatest goddamn shows ever do you guys ever see that you have any idea how fucking huge it was when the six million dollar man fought the seven million dollar man and he punched his fucking face off his face came off on television in like 1974 do you have any fucking idea think about that

pre-internet pre-cable pre any sort of special effect you look how bad the graphics were in star wars this is like three four years before that lee majors punched this dude who was the fucking bad guy in everything oh man do you remember the one with a six million dollar man fought up fought in the snow outside that mansion and they had everybody in slow motion and that black dude jumped like 10 feet in the air was going to kick him he's going flying through the fucking air now you gotta stand how sheltered i was as a kid i didn't even know who bruce lee was i didn't even know what kung fu fighting was and i didn't realize that tv shows were ripping off you know uh enter the dragon and all that shit that people were flipping out about because i was

just a little kid so i saw that shit i it was the most unbelievable thing ever he fought big foot he fought a black bruce lee and he fought the seven million dollar man and he punched his fucking face off and uh tell you they just don't they don't make it's impossible to compete now there's just they've just done too many things you know it's kind of like when you go to write a movie script and like everything's been done and they act like all these guys back in the 40s and 50s were brilliant it's like fuck you there was only like five movies were ever made how hard was it to be brilliant back then it's like inventing shit in the 1800s oh look it's a coat hanger you can hang your coat on it holy shit let's put his name in the history book so everyone can fucking remember

this for the rest of the time i don't even know what you could invent you know who's great it's still inventing uh simple shit is that billy maze guy you know that bearded fuck every night he just starts oh billy maze that dude he doesn't even invent the shit i think he invented like three things and then he's just got a sweatshop of like smart fucking kids from thailand and he just comes walking in i keep burning myself on the iron come up with some shit then like three weeks later he's on tv i'm billy maze are you tired of burning the hair off your forearm when you're ironing your button down because your third marriage didn't work out and you still have to date in your 50s introducing the fucking thing you stick in front of the iron that doesn't burn your forearm but

still irons the fucking shirt um anyways oh let me get let me get back to this thing sorry see like that there you go i wanted to stand up mode give you some fucking laughs okay all right hang over here let me get let me get back here so here's a hangover last week i did i did a podcast where i had a hangover and somebody gave me some sort of uh jesus can you tell i'm stalling off the time because i went to the wrong fucking place advice i gave that guy horrible advice uh all right yeah i was kind of fucking hung over last week so i had somebody give me advice on how to cure a hangover and this is what i got here's a here's a great hangover tip works for me most of the time eat a greasy breakfast with all the coffee

you can fucking stomach the morning after drinking i recommend waffle house or some other piece of shit diner you know what some people you know what i've always heard the greasy breakfast thing people actually had some other ones i'd never heard of and i evidently i didn't fucking i didn't save those oh well well we're gonna end the podcast right here we're gonna end with a revenge story all right uh uh all right bill sometimes revenge comes when you least expect it i like that this person started their revenge story with this that sounds like a great trailer for a for a summer blockbuster you know tom hanks meg ryan and some other douchebag that you don't give a fuck star in the revenge sometimes revenge comes when you least expect it all right my my older brother jamie

had always teased me about something since it had happened when i was about 15 but i can't tell you what it was because it will ruin the rest of the story but i had my day of revenge all right fast forward to uh fast forward eight years i was managing a rock band full time and my brother was about to move out to la to take a shot at acting so he had moved out of his apartment was temporarily temporarily crashing up the street from my place at a mutual friend's apartment we all lived in these apartments in a small town in south jersey me and one of the guys from the band were living in an apartment that was connected to a house of a family we sort of grew up with they had a son charlie who was our age but had down syndrome so we still lived at

home charlie would always seem to pop into our apartment uh at the worst times uh you know in like the middle of parties when we were smoking pot or maybe when i was on the couch with a girl trying to get laid he just had this timing where he would show up at the exactly the wrong time on this particular sunday afternoon i called my brother to let him know we had ordered some pizzas and sandwiches and he could come over and have some have some if he wanted uh we'd all been drinking heavily the night before uh as me and the band were out out of town on tour my brother got perfectly blunted i think he was supposed to try to say uh the previous night and i knew he'd be see this is what sucks about this small fucking font please write in bigger type guys

i don't know if i'm gonna put my face right up to the goddamn screen you guys are making me blind here all right my brother got fucked up the other night and i knew he'd be on our buddy's couch just hating life but when i called him up he was being a bitch and asked if i could actually bring the fucking food over to him you guys understand what's going on here they're all hung over his brother ordered some pizzas and now the goodness of his heart he calls his brother up the street and the fucking lazy cunt said can you can you bring it over so this so this dude like a normal person says fuck no i bought the food i'm offering you some if you want it just come over but he couldn't get off the couch um charlie the down syndrome kid who must have seen the pizza delivery

guy knocked on our door minutes later my roommate tom and i then thought of something fun to do charlie actually really liked my brother they were always messing around but if you ever if you ever hung out with the kid with down syndrome that usually means he wants to fight or fight you a wrestle this is reminding me of something about mary um since my brother was being such a lazy turd and wouldn't come over we thought it would be funny to have charlie deliver the pizza to jamie since we knew charlie i guess jamie's his brother excuse me um whatever have charlie delivered to jamie since we knew charlie would immediately want to wrestle and fuck around with him constant consequently would make his hangover much fucking worse so anyways our mutual

friends were with us and he had the key to the apartment where my brother was staying on the couch we all walked over to the apartment and uh down the hall to the living room where my brother was on the couch with the back of the couch towards the door and the tv facing us we immediately realized that my brother was watching a nasty nasty porno and was beating off Jesus Christ i started to say hey here's your pizza uh and then i was like oh no but uh charlie uh charlie burst past me and my brother stuck his head up over the back of the couch before he knew it charlie used all of his retard strength to give jamie the haymaker of a lifetime to the back of his head my brother was dazed and utterly confused he stood up and had on only an old half shirt from

high school football and white socks and oh yeah he had a raging heart on now charlie is coming at him full go and my brother's looking at us to stop charlie but we're all laughing too hard and none of us were gonna go anywhere near that situation uh charlie okay i mean would you would you break up a fight between a nearly naked guy with the boner and uh kid with down syndrome where would you start um charlie was not quitting uh blah blah blah blah and he's put uh and his best move was to punch your balls jesus christ dude did this really happen this sounds fucking crazy um he was coming at jamie with everything he had uh my brother was just trying to hold him off till his heart on subsided and he could gather himself meanwhile the tv is still on all loud and some

nasty old fat chick was getting banged in the ass by some black dude it was complete mayhem it all happened so fast finally my brother pushed charlie away far enough to grab his shorts and put them on charlie was really tired was really fired up because we had given him given him a big glass of Pepsi beforehand and uh he was not supposed to have caffeine well that's that's a great thing to do uh buh buh buh buh buh uh anyways my brother would oh okay so this is basically the this is the thing he was talking about what his brother used to tease him up he said my brother would always used to tease me about the time he caught me beat beating off when i was 15 he was like a true older brother uh true older brother dick about it and would bring it up in front of other girls family

and whoever and just kept me uh just kept doing it for years after the time the retard beat him up while he was whacking off he never mentioned it again cheers jesus christ dude did that did that all really happen um sorry about saying retard too i never say that shit he just had written that i try to say fucking down syndrome as much as i could there you go you found a line i usually don't say that shit um anyway so that's the podcast for the week i know it was pretty fucking uh it's pretty fucked up you know you got a 19 minute one and you got a 35 minute one so what does that make that makes almost that's like almost 55 fucking minutes um i'm gonna be at the improv here in los angeles um in may i don't know what weekend yet i believe it's the weekend of may 20

something and uh other than that we're gonna be filling in some stand updates um and that's it thank you guys for listening to the monday morning podcast please keep the questions coming coming and i apologize i was a little bit jet lag that's two fucking weeks in a row you know hungover last week jet lag this week but you know what the fuck do you want for me it's called the monday morning podcast and i have to do it on this day so so there you go i hope you guys enjoyed it and i'll talk to you next week all right see you next week this a trip to Sarila's, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring

them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltease. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all NS Noveltease. Afterward slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with 6 area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at sarila's dot com.