Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-23

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

Bill rambles about Clinton's cigar, Harvard, and staricases.

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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And uh-huh-huh-huh, I'm checking in on you. Who, how are you? How's it going? How's your team doing? Is your team still in the fucking playoffs?

Because mine isn't gradually getting over this. I've been actually watching a lot of playoff hockey. What about the fucking Seattle Kraken knocking out the Avalanche? I mean, that's fun to see, but then it's also like, I, you know, I wanted to watch Conor McKinnon and that kid who's the next Bobby Orr. And now they're not there, right? I have been enjoying watching the Edmonton Oilers, even though they lost last night. I watched the first, like, period and a half before my kids came downstairs from their bath,

and then suddenly we were, what the hell did we end up watching? Although, the Pink Panther. I like the earlier ones, where it's just, you know, Henry Mancini's music. But then the late 70 ones, they sort of, they, they re-recorded it. And you know what's funny, now that I'm all jaded in this business, it's like they didn't want to keep paying them. So they fucking re-recorded, you know,

like Ozzy and What's Her Face did with the fucking Bark at the Moon albums or whatever they did to fuck over the drummer and the bass player. They re-recorded the thing, and then, uh, then they added this shit music. I can't remember how it went. It was stuck in my head in a fucking loop. Anyway, ended up watching that, but I'll tell you right now, that, that fucking goal last night, I'm sorry, I'm fighting off a cold here. Leon Drysidle.

Leon Drysidle. You know what's a man, okay, for those who didn't see it, he was like, like parallel to the net. So there's no way you can score. There's this, there's like fucking two inches of clearance above the goalie's shoulder. He flips it up off his back, which is, he's not the first guy to do it. All right, but he's doing it at the NHL level in a playoff game. I know other guys in the NHL have done it, but like, what's amazing is,

because like the goaltender actually, when the puck went behind him, he freaked out and he turned around. It hit his right shoulder and he turned to the right. And I guarantee you, like, like kids coming up now, they're going to learn how to stop that shot. Because I was thinking he wanted to turn the other way. He's got to bat it out with his shoulder. You know who might have saved that was, who is that fucking lunatic who had butted the puck?

Goaltender from way back in the day, he had the birdcage mask. What the fuck was his name? Played for Buffalo. One with the red wings. Jesus, Ken Dryden. I can't remember his fucking name. But anyway, I've been enjoying the hell out of watching the Edmonton Oilers and Connor McDave at Jesus Christ when that guy gets the fucking puck and turns on the jets.

All of a sudden, everybody in there looks like they're in fucking AAA, Thunder Bay, whatever the fuck you call the minor leaves the hockey. And he just creates so much goddamn space and everybody, you can just see like the defense is just like, you know, hold your possession, hold your possession, like, oh fuck, he's got the puck. And I think they just get like mesmerized by him and then just one of the, you know, either dry saddle or fucking Evander Kane just moves ever so slightly north or south and then they're just wide open for a one timer that goes in the back of the net.

It's fucking amazing, amazing hockey to watch. Unlike what I watched in this series between the Bruins and the Panthers. Although how about those Florida Panthers? Going up there, taking away home ice from the fucking Toronto Maple Leafs. I still don't fucking understand that. That if this four, going through puberty on this podcast, when there's four games in your building and there's three games in their building, mathematically, there's no fucking way they're taking away home ice.

All right, we lost the game, but we're still playing four in our building. That's still going to happen. If we go seven games, there's still four in my building. So what the fuck are you talking about? So now you won. All right, now it's three and three. All right, it just doesn't, it doesn't make any fucking, I just think that's so this stupid fucking thing that they say to try to add drama.

Speaking of drama, Jesus Christ, me defending, I don't even watch Hoop. I haven't watched Hoop since they had the safe space underneath the fucking rim. Hey, you can't stand here. You can drop off your kid at school, but you got to get the fuck out of here, that little zone there. Once guys started dunking on nobody and started screaming like they're in 300, that I just kind of, it's so dumb. It is so fucking.

Why can't the defensive player be underneath there? I get the offensive, even then, just post up. I miss that shit. The fucking battles underneath two, seven footers going at it. I mean, that was the best fucking Kareem posting up against fucking parish. And then I'm getting this little four on them out as he turned to do the sky hook. That's all fucking gone. Now he's out there fucking, the seven footers are out there shooting like a fucking point guard.

We already got one of those. I just, it's redundant. Bill, we get it. You don't like the NBA. I like the way things were back when women drank wine coolers. I'm an idiot. Don't listen to me. Anyway, how about the Florida Panthers coming in and winning game one against the Maple Leafs? And you knew they would. You knew they would.

What are the Maple Leafs going to do? Make it easy on their fans? What are they going to be up in a series? They're always going to be crawling out of a fucking hole. And the day they go up three games to none, you know, they're losing the next three games. I'm not saying they're going to lose game seven. Maybe this isn't your parents, Toronto Maple Leafs. Maybe this isn't your grandparents, Toronto Maple Leafs.

How many generations have gone by? I mean, I feel like I have to root for the Maple Leafs in the East. I'm not going to do that country thing where I'm going to root for the Florida Panthers because they beat my team. And then somehow if they win the Stanley Cup, it doesn't feel as bad. It's going to feel bad. All right. It still feels bad. My family is feeling the effects of the loss.

I'm sitting over in the corner in the dark. Dad, what's the matter? You want to play shoots and ladders? I don't feel like it. No, I'm not taking it to that level. But I think as far as the West, I really enjoy the Edmonton Oilers. I like watching them play. You know what's funny is I fucking hate Carolina.

I hate the fucking Carolina Hurricanes because I forget what year it was. They beat us in like a game seven or was a clinching game. I can't remember. And the guy who scored the goal dropped his stick and he skated down the ice doing like jazz hands. He was like doing Fosse. Like his hands were up over his head. He was like, oh, it's actually whoever did that. It was great because it made it extra annoying that he scored a fucking overtime goal against us.

You know, you want a guy to score a goal and then act like a man afterwards. You know, anyway, Messier would just put both arms up and have that stoic look on his face. Messier had that jaw that looked like it was made out of granite. You know, you can take, I mean, as hard as it is, you can take when a guy like that scores a goal. But when a dude scores a goal and then he looks like he's conducting the Glee Club, is he fucking goes down, you know, hold that note. Fucking, I'll never get old. It is so fun.

It's such a fucking petty reason to not like the Carolina Hurricanes, but that is that is the reason why it's the reason why I don't like those fuckers. Anyways, not to mention there used to be the hot fit way less. Speaking of petty, oh my God, like me defending. I was saying, uh, the dude there, Giannis Giannis, however you say his fucking name, I'll take the compote. Uh, I got more goddamn sports fans right into me going. I'm sorry, Bill.

That was a bad take. Okay. If you're a number one seed and you lose to a team that played in, that is a failure. You know, I just think that's just such like a one dimensional way of looking at that because obviously it's a failure. Obviously it's a massive failure. You know, I just was looking at the motivation behind the fucking question, which I kind of felt like the guy asking the question was excited.

You know, that this fucking giant guy that looks like he's chiseled out of granite had had a failure and he needed him to say that he felt like a failure. So he could feel better about leaving the arena and his Honda CRX and going home and banging a four. That's what I think. I think I, that guy had, what do they call that big dick energy? That guy had sweater vest energy. That guy had, you know, in the dance club up against the wall. I can't dance.

None of these chicks are going to go for me. You know, if I was actually really mature, I would have empathy for the sports writer too and not just the athlete. I always feel like those fucking, those fucking sports writers, they're so close to it. They're so close to the money and the cars and the pussy and the glory, but they don't get to touch it. Just drives them nuts and every once in a while. Hey, Tom Brady, like, what do you think? Can you say that your hair doesn't look quite as good as it did yesterday? Do you have more of a bedhead today?

Do you think you consider yourself a failure? You know, they'll say shit like that. Like, it doesn't even fucking make sense. It's like, I put, he put fucking Milwaukee back on the map as far as an NBA power. They would dorm it for 50 fucking years. The last time they won, I think fucking Kareem's name was Lou Alcindor. Nixon hadn't even bugged fucking Watergate yet or whatever the fuck happened. It was a liberal conspiracy, probably was.

Probably was. And then years later, they got them back. They got the liberals back when they fucking nailed Bill Clinton for fucking lying about a blowjob. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I love the fucking determination on his face when he, when he tells that lie. Like, I mean, it's actually kind of fucking amazing. His, the conviction, I guess the stakes were so high and he was just like, you know, I really feel like Hillary Clinton in a good mood would be hard enough to deal with.

The last thing he needs to do is be like, all right, I stuck a cigar in a pussy. She said, yes, he's got to go sleep downstairs on the couch in the oval office. How funny is that? It's just something fucking hilarious about like the level of that problem at that height. You know what I mean? How he can't be like, I fucking won the election. I can't get a blowjob on the side. No, I haven't earned that. I mean, how many more fucking pairs of shoes are you going to buy?

That's different. Is it that, you know, that hurts me. No, that's a bad argument. There's really no way to get out of it. What if you went the other way with it? I did have sexual relations with that woman. I'll tell you, I enjoyed it. She was young.

It made me feel good. And I'll tell you right now, that was the best cigar ever smoked after. You know what's fucked up about that? Is if he actually did say that, if he was that fucking honest, like he, I think he would get even conservatives would have to be like, all right, man, I kind of got to ride with this guy now. Anyway, listen, you guys have seen Hillary. I mean, what was I supposed to do?

Not like he's a good looking guy. I don't know. You don't annoy me as my wife always goes, yeah, I don't know. There's just something about him. It's just amazing those guys like that. They just fucking, they got that it factor, you know, and they can be complete dirtbags and women still fucking like women still like that guy. You know, if he was a fucking ugly bastard, you know what I mean?

He wasn't always walking around with that goofy look. I really think it's the goofy look Bill Clinton has on his face. Like he just looks like you're going to go have a good time, but that's not going to be that deep. Like I refuse to believe that that guy went to Oxford. I really don't even know anything about Oxford. Isn't it like England's Harvard, you know, and it's even a cut above. Like isn't Oxford like the one thing that shuts down Harvard?

Are there any memes on that? I would love to see a meme of a guy from Harvard meeting somebody that says, I went to Oxford. If that really bothers them, you know, they find out they're a little closer to the fucking Illuminati. But wait, I thought I had ascended to the peak of power in the world. No, I actually went overseas and I went to Oxford. Yeah.

And I majored in European history, whatever they do over there. That was the one thing that I thought was fucking hilarious about those people, the people out here photoshopping their heads, the heads of their talentless children on to like athletes heads and getting in at USC and shit like that. You know what the funniest fucking thing was about all of that? Is when they went there, their dumbass kids were able to handle it. I bet Harvard's the same way at the end of the day, two plus two was four.

Like, what the fuck are we doing here? Right? You know, like MIT, I feel like if you go into MIT, you get exposed. But if you go to Harvard, you know, you can just major in fucking literature, whatever the fuck you're majoring over. I've never sound dumber. I'm going to call myself out on that. I realize that.

Do you consider yourself a major in literature? I'm not a major in literature. I'm not a major in literature. I'm not a major in literature. I realize that. Do you consider yourself a failure bill? Oh, you guys always ask me that question. I actually think that back in the day, if I got into Harvard, that's the hardest part.

I don't think being at Harvard is hard, you know, because I've met people from Harvard and I've, you know, they're smart. But I meet people from MIT. You can't even have a conversation with them. I mean, I don't even know what they're doing. They're like, you know, they're like, they're breaking down the universe. You know, I don't, I don't know what they're doing over there at Harvard. Why am I picking on Harvard?

I actually think Harvard's the best. You know, you know, just dummies like me hate on it. But I mean, that is the shit. Where did you go to college? I went to Harvard. Fuck you game over. And then all people do is, oh, would your daddy get you in there? Would you come for, yes. Yes, that's exactly what happened.

My daddy did get me in there. My daddy can ruin your daddy. Oh my God. Do you have any idea who the fuck my dad is? That is one of my favorite fucking clips ever. I love the fire that that kid had and how much he believed that his dad, I'm going back years that kid, when he got into with the bouncer, you know, they were sitting there.

I want to say they all had on like, you know, the date rapist loafers. Ladies, if you ever go on a date with a guy, he has on a polo shirt with boat shoes and no socks. I mean, how many more signs do you need? I would just say, watch your drink on that date. You know, and for the love of God, don't go for a drive. You know, anyway, the way he just like, oh my God, like he could. Do you have any idea what the fuck my dad is like?

Why would I know who your dad is? Your little shit, what the fuck are you talking about? Oh God, that must have been so fucking embarrassing. I feel bad for these fucking kids. That your dumbest drunk moment just lives forever on the fucking internet. And some bald old ginger like me can still make funny of you about it. And I don't even know you. I wasn't even there for fucking years later.

You know, it's a tragedy. It's a tragedy what these kids are living right now. You know, this goddamn technology. I've seen more goddamn robots walking down the street out here in LA like robots. They're on wheels. They don't have feet. Once they have the feet, then that's when it becomes creepy. If they just sort of rolling around, you know, I don't find it as creepy.

But when they start like walking, it really is dumb if you make a robot that walks though, isn't it? Why wouldn't you just put it on wheels? I mean, human beings even tried that with those sneakers for a while. Remember that? You'd see some kid running and all of a sudden he was sliding across the floor like fucking James Brown, but he was on a rug. You're like, oh my God, is that the next guy to be on Dick Clark's American Bandstand?

Am I seeing an, oh, oh, he's got wheels on the back of his sneakers. Why did those things go away? You know, some uncoordinated kid really fucked himself up on those. You know, started heading towards a staircase and didn't know how to stop, you know, like somebody in a boat without a paddle heading towards a waterfall. Staircases are really like the land's waterfall. You know, I feel like you get the same injuries falling down stairs that you do going over a waterfall, you know, before you drown.

Oh man, I fell down a lot of stairs growing up. It's just, it was just a part of your childhood. You'd start crying. Your mother'd be like, what happened? I fell down the stairs. God damn it, I said that a lot. Why the fuck was I always falling down? Oh, I know why, because my head was the same size as it is now when I was like eight.

You know, so I really had to walk upright. If I leaned forward a little bit, you know, that was it. I was going to go right down those stairs. Anyway, I got a full fucking day today trying to fight off this guy. I keep getting these. I don't know, I don't get like, I don't know what's going on with me. I think I'm just old. I take vitamins every day.

I get as much sleep as I can. My son though, oh my God, he's just wants to get up now earlier and earlier. And he keeps coming into our room and we fucked up because a couple of nights we just let him stay there because we were too tired to get up. And then that's it. Now he thinks that he could just come in. It's fucking hilarious. He comes in like 3 30 in the morning and he gets into bed and I'm just looking.

I'm like, buddy, what are you doing? He just looks at me and I'll be like, water please. And what's funny is I start fucking laughing my ass off. And then he's looking at me. He doesn't understand why I'm laughing, but he kind of has like this smile on his face as he's trying to figure out like, why is what I said so funny? And then the look of sort of innocent confusion on his face makes me laugh harder. And then he just starts laughing because he made me laugh and he just starts going like,

and he laughs and then in the end when he's done laughing, then he just goes, water please. And it just starts it all over again. And then I can't go to sleep. You know, you can't laugh your ass off. Wake up, laugh your ass off at 3 30 in the morning and then go back to sleep. There's something about it. I don't know.

There's probably some egghead from MIT that can do the fucking math on that. Man, that's got to suck being that smart. It's got to be a painful experience. You know, being that smart and seeing how fucked up the world is, you know, and you start explaining your ideas to someone like me. And I'm like, what are you a fucking egg? What is this? Some woke shit?

That's my favorite thing now. Anything that white people don't like now is like, what is this? Some woke shit? Hey, do you mind taking your shoes off? I just got the rug clean. Oh, what is this? Some woke shit? And you can blame the lip, the liberal white left for that, for hijacking that word and turning

it into whatever the fuck they turned it into and just using it to try to fucking defeat Republicans or whatever the fuck it is they're trying to do. So goddamn dumb. Anyway, I have read some dumb shit though. Somebody was saying, you know, they're doing once again, you know, every August like this country goes bankrupt. Now, for some reason, it's June. And they're saying if they don't print another trillion dollars,

that this whole fucking Ponzi scheme is over. And then you look in the comments and they go, Biden's America, right? It's fucking amazing. Like how uneducated people are to this shit. And then somebody goes, when Trump was in office, there was no wars. Can you believe that? That's probably the same guy who was saying support the troops while Trump was in office. It's like, we've been at war over in the Middle East for so fucking long

that people don't even remember it. It's like, no, like once again, you're doing this January 6 shit. All right, conservatives for the love of fucking God. All right. If you're going to do what you did again on January 6, go to the Federal Reserve, you fucking idiots. I love that they went to the Capitol. There was probably 30 people in there.

Like those politicians go to work. They probably ran out the back door called three Ubers, and that was enough for all. Oh, I'm cracking myself up today. I enjoy people, my view of the world as I sip a green smoothie, my feet up. I really am a fucking jerk off. You know, I was actually talking to somebody the other day, yesterday, about the funny ways that guys become friends.

Like you ever see a guy do something, right? And you just looking at him and he's just, he does something and it's just a complete jerk off move, right? And he does it. And then you just look over at some random other dude and he's looking at you and you both, you do that look like fucking jerk off. And he starts laughing and then you laugh and then that's it. Then you're friends with that guy.

You bonded over the fact that you both saw that this fucking other dude was a jerk off. And it's almost like the lock the door test in the Bronx tale where it's just like, because that other guy also shared your opinion that that guy is a jerk off. Like that's the only common connection. Like if you've been vetted, I like this guy. This guy's all right. That guy's a fucking jerk off. This guy sees that he's a jerk off.

We agree that the same types of people are jerk offs. We're going to get along. You know, you know what Verzi keeps sending me is that that fucking hilarious kid for the, the fan of the Knicks and he gets everybody to gather around and it'll be like, hey, KD, don't you wish it came to the next and everybody's jumping up and down. That is literally my favorite fucking thing in sports right now, other than watching the number one line on Edmonton. That's on the court on the ice, my favorite thing to watch.

And then the watching that kid do that shit and everybody just fucking jumping up and down. That's, that's the thing that I, that right there, that right there. Okay. Is so fucking New York and it is what makes sports great. And that is what DJs are drowning out at all of these fucking games. The unique sense of humor that every fucking city has the way people dress, the way they talk, like that dude's New York accent, the level that those people love the Knicks, the way they're jumping up and down and that type of shit.

But you go to the garden, they don't do that DJ shit. So that guy's allowed like, like a fan like that is becoming extinct. It's the number one thing that I miss at these fucking games. Like, you know, I used to go to Laker games back in the day at the fucking LA forum. And it was a completely, completely different fucking vibe. I mean, granted, they weren't that good, but I would talk to fucking Laker fans that were there at the forum during the showtime Lakers and all of that, you know, they were getting excited because they had Kobe and Shaq, but these,

you know, Phil Jackson hadn't come there yet. It was Del Harris. So those two, you know, egos were clashing, but it was just a completely different energy. So anyway, oh, no, I'm getting sad. How about the fucking Celtics coming back, winning by like goddamn 30? I missed that whole game. I turned it on like all the white guys on the Celtics were on the court.

So I'm like, all right, we're either getting blown out or we're fucking blowing out the other team. But that first game, the end of the game, when we threw the ball away, when we Jason Tatum, like stepped up and then I guess the guy with the Celtics didn't realize he had moved up to like the foul line and he just literally turned around and passed it to a guy in the 76ers. That took me back to the NCAA Championship game in 1980 fucking two, when Georgetown versus North Carolina was the last time I saw that shit. All right, we established that I am an old fan of sports. All right, this is the podcast.

It's fucking cold is taking a hold of me. Of course, the goddamn fucking day before I go to Vegas, like I need this shit. When do you need a cold bill? You're right, never. All right, that's the part this is a Thursday podcast. Enjoy your fucking weekend, your cunts. There'll be a little bit of music in between picked up by the great Andrew Thamelis. And then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning

podcasts. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for listening. Good day and God bless America and Harvard and Oxford. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for May 3rd, 2015. What's going on? How's it going? How fucking I am fucking wiped out. The tour is over. The tour is over. Michael Corleone.

Godfather part two over the summer wind. It came blowing in from across that sea. So I feel like right now because it's over. And linger down to touch your hair and motherfucking walk with me all summer long. Badoop. We sang a song. Badoop. And then we did some other shit.

Oh freckles is going back to his fucking house, his fucking house with the leaky roof that he had to repair. Those fucking cunts, those contract in cunts. Oh Jesus, I still have one more bill with them. That goes on and on. So call Adam Corolla. He'll kick their ass. But then you look like a sap on TV.

Badoop because you're the douchebag that had to call Adam Corolla because you're not big enough of a man to tell the contract to go fuck himself. Jesus Christ. Anyways, I'm fucking wiped out. All right. I don't know what you want from me this week, but this is the best it's going to get. All right. This is going to be me just nice and fucking relaxed.

I am right now, I am in, I don't even know where I am. I think I'm in Columbia, Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Bill, what the fuck are you doing there? That wasn't on the tour. That wasn't on your southern tour. You know, southern tour, you know, Savannah, Georgia, Knoxville, Tennessee, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Memphis, Tennessee, Shreveport, Louisiana, New Orleans, Louisiana, Huntsville, Alabama, Jackson, Mississippi, Mobile, Alabama, Spandana, Chattanooga, Tennessee,

up to Lexington, Kentucky, over to Evansville, Indiana. There was nothing on there that said that you were going to Columbus, Indiana. Well, I mean, I ended up here because yesterday I went to the, to the Kentucky Derby. Me, Paul Verzi, Jason Lawhead and his dad, the Hall of Fame basketball coach, Jim Lawhead. We all went to the game, out of the game. We went to the Derby, man. What a fucking great time. I highly suggest going that dressing like a jackass, like everybody does.

Big stupid hats, bow ties, the women there. Good Lord. There's some fucking Phillies over there. Beautiful women, beautiful women. I'll tell you, they, they, the fucking women, the fucking ladies, dude, they were crushing it right up until our early fifties. I'm telling you, some fucking decades, decades of fucking Derby winners, winners walking around the fucking, the, the grandstand area.

We had great seats and right at the, we're a little bit past the finish line. We just had the best time. You know what was fucked up was they, they sold, I don't know how to get into this man. They, they were selling like standing room only seats, all right. So we paid through the fucking nose to sit in a box, right. Like we donated to a presidential campaign. We were sitting right at the goddamn finish line, little past it, little past it, whatever. Don't break my balls.

Come on. You can see the horses where we were at. You could actually see them. Start of the race ran right by us. Then they went around the first turn and then they kind of disappeared behind some of these corporate tents in the sea of fucking sunburned humanity that was standing, just standing on the inside grass, which I don't know why you would do that. You know what I mean?

I mean, why, why wouldn't you stay at home and just watch it on TV and not sit there? Like a bunch of fucking refugees in a tent city that had no tent for you, you know, you might as well have watched that, watch a police horse gallop by after a crack head underneath the fucking overpass as far as I'm concerned, all right. In field seats are for fucking animals. All right. Unless you're young, you don't have any fucking money. All right.

You have a television. It's on TV for fucking free. Why are you going to stand there? Although I would do it. I do it at a NASCAR race. I do that in a second. I'd be on the infield because those, you know, first of all, what I like about being on the infield is the fucking inertia when those fucking cars wipe out usually takes them to

the outside wall. And I know sometimes they bang off the outside wall and they go to the inside, but at least they hit the wall and they're starting to slow down. You know what I mean? And, you know, every once in a while, a tire flies off and somebody loses a head or two, but that's the price you pay for getting to sit on your fucking cooler in the middle of the goddamn track. I actually had one of the best times I ever had.

I went to the Indy 500 in like 1995 and most of you were like eight years old and we sat on the inside of one of the turns, brought in this giant fucking cooler and me and my two buddies just got obliterated, you know, watching the fucking cars go by. It's hilarious. You don't see anything. You just sit on the inside of the turn. You just hear. My voice is fucked up.

That's all you would hear. You just see them go by, right? Every once in a while, somebody would hit the wall in front of you like, oh my god, I'm gonna see an accident, but you forgot they're going like 200 something miles an hour. So they hit the wall in front of you and then you go, they just go flying down the fucking track. So you don't really see it. You see him hit the wall and then they continue like another quarter mile in about two seconds,

but it is amazing. But anyway, so we got there and they were selling standing room tickets. I get it. People want to stand up, you know, get in there to watch the fucking thing. So there's the level we're sitting and then there's this giant like, you know, walkway and then there's the next section. All right. And so basically the people should have stood in that middle section where you're walking

to either make a left to go to the higher seats or make a right to go down where we were at. And where we were at, there was two sections and there was like a, in a little skinny hallway. So these fucking assholes were walking down and they were standing up there. Right. And you know, all they had was these volunteer teenage kids, you know, sitting there chewing gum, not stopping them. So it got to the point after a couple of races and who's kidding who,

a couple of fucking men, Juleps, that people start going, what the fuck? But everybody's there is polite. You know what I mean? Still Kentucky. How y'all doing? I fucking hate your guts, but I'm going to smile on your face. You know what I'm saying? Afterwards, you know, I'll fucking, I'll stick a fucking,

some sort of farming tool in the back of your goddamn neck. But right now I'm going to, how y'all doing? Oh, that's great. Where are you from? Where y'all from? No, I didn't get that experience in Kentucky. They were cool as shit, but whatever. So finally we end up saying something, you know,

Lawhead's dad fucking taps this guy in the shoulder and he's like, excuse me, sir, you know, we paid to sit here. You guys are standing up here. I don't know what happened. All I know is it started getting heated and I saw where J got his fire from. So now, you know, Lawhead and Verzi aren't there. So I got to step in. Granted, this is the funny thing.

I got to step in dress like fucking Colonel Sanders, right? Or at the very least that I played banjo in a Dixieland band. I got on a fucking bow tie with the goddamn, you know, my dad owned a plantation hat and I come in, you know, I didn't even come in. I never even got out of my seat. I just started jawn at this guy. I got yelled and I go, buddy, I paid to sit in this seat and I'm staring at the back of your head.

So he looks over and he goes, what'd you say? I said, I paid to sit in this seat and I'm staring at the back of the head, your head, and he goes, oh, yeah, how do you like the view? I go, I don't like it. That's why we're having this conversation, right? And very quickly, I realized that he wasn't going to throw a punch. He didn't throw a punch to the dirt and I'm not going to throw a punch, right? I'm not going to.

I haven't thrown a fucking punch since like a street hockey game in like fucking seventh grade, right? So with John back and forth, right? And he's fucking, you know, he's broad saying something. I don't listen to her. I can't hear that voice. It's too fucking high up in the strategy. Shut up, lady. So I said, hey, he goes, what are you getting involved?

Fuck it. Cause you're yelling at a 77 year old. I said, 80 year old man, I rounded up. So you're yelling an 80 year old man. He goes, oh, I wasn't yelling 80 year old man. I go, really? That wasn't you that looked like you two seconds ago doing that. You know, whatever.

And then the fucking woman, you know, he was, you know, that 80 year old man verbally attacked him. Every fucking douche, you know, verbal. He attacked him. He's fucking 80. What's he going to do? You know what I mean? Although you got to watch out for an 80 year old. You know, at the very least maybe fought in Korea, you know, hand to hand combat.

You don't know what flashback could come back next thing. You know, right? He's using his fucking racing form as a bayonet. You have some problems. So of course me, you know, everybody's dressed all dapper and everything. Then I feel like a fucking asshole afterwards. Everything settled down in this guy who, who wasn't involved in the fight, but was also standing up with his fucking girlfriend and he had his hand not on our

ass like under it and she kept moving it. Like, can you stop? Like tapping the back of my pussy with the middle of your finger, please. He actually looks over me and he goes, Hey, Bill, big fan. I felt like such an asshole. I'm like, Oh yeah, I'm not just this fucking asshole anymore yelling at a game. They're like, Oh yeah, Bill Burr was a fucking asshole. Ah, it's fucking hilarious.

So then I felt all self-conscious. Like, is that going to end up on YouTube? And not that I gave a shit about what I said. It was that I was dressed like a fucking, you know, like I had a chicken franchise. That's the thing I was worried about. So anyways, so that happens. But so basically we kind of did that and we kind of scared a lot of people away. And then I was kind of, you know, afterwards sobering up, you know, because I was like,

you know, I got to stay sober because I got to watch game seven of the Clippers and the Spurs. And then I got to watch the Pac Mani Pacquiao fight, right? Mayweather Pacquiao fight, right? So anyways, I'm starting to sober up and I just started thinking like, Ah man, you know, I shouldn't have fucking done that. We both should have handled that situation better. There should have been some excuse me's if you don't mind and shit like that. And I was thinking about it and then somebody finally was just talking to me about the Derby.

This lady and she goes, Ah, who's kidding? Who? This is just a really well-dressed shit show. And I laugh because I was kind of sitting there fighting the feeling that as fancy as this was, as legendary as all this is, this event. At the end of the day, you just kind of go into the track. You know what I mean? This is really, we're just betting on the dogs, whatever. They're horses, you know?

But anyways, so whatever. We start betting races and of course I'm losing. Of course I'm losing. The fucking track has been open for over 140 fucking years. 141 runnings of that race. Okay. You don't stay open by fucking paying out people. So, you know, I'm losing and I'm losing and I find just, ah, fuck it. I'll just bet on the Derby race.

Oh, a lot of people don't know this. The races started at 1030 and they run them on the dirt track and there's a grass track, a little short track. They just, you know, they'll run like six horses. And if you thought it was funny as if you're on the other side of the track, you can't even see the goddamn race. You just got to watch it on TV, which once again, you're sitting there fucking getting sunburned, right?

Like you came to this country in a raft 20 minutes ago, hoping to get your fucking Truman rights, Tony Montana reference. So anyways, you know, I just let all those ones go and I went and I bet the Derby race and I just picked three favorites, just trying to win some money, picked three favorites, bet them across the board. Two of them came in and I think I, what did I do? I think I lost like 25 bucks on the day. And I was down like 50 or 60 bucks and in the end I won like 30 something.

Yeah, something like that, but whatever. It was a fucking awesome time. I would definitely do it again. I would say if you go to the Derby race, that's actually, that's a great thing to bring your fucking lady to because it's a sporting event. You get to gamble, right? You dress up, she dresses up, they like dressing up, right?

They look, they like the fucking horses, right? Who doesn't like animals? You know, it doesn't like animals, fucking animals. Animals don't like animals, right? They don't, they're self-loathing. How much, you know, they're always talking about, you know, how, what fucking animals that human beings act like. What about the animals?

The reference, you know, you don't go on in those woods, in those jungles, you know, it goes on murder, every fucking day, every goddamn day, they're out there fucking murdering people. That's how they get their food, you know, they murder one another. I mean, I'm actually presenting the Southern argument, basically supporting hunting. I tell you what, man, if we didn't shoot them, they just fucking eat each other. So what's the point?

I'm hungry too, motherfucker, what am I supposed to do? Eat you? Am I supposed to eat you? Oh, one of the great heckles I ever got. I owe somebody an apology in Evansville, Indiana. The fun thing about when people text during your show is like, you know, I always have the crowd, like I can see the first few rows or whatever, but then it just kind of goes black.

So if somebody starts texting, their whole face lights up when they're up there, so you can see it. So I always freak people out, I'm like, in the middle of my act, and I'll just see this light like 40 rows up, but I'll just point right at him, and I go, texting, you know, and I do this little rift about the person dying of thumb cancer because they can't put their phone down, right? So, so whatever, in the middle of my show in Evansville,

I'm having a great fucking time. It's the last night at the tour, you know, we're going to go fuck. Oh, I still haven't explained why I'm in Columbus, Indiana. I'll explain that a little bit, right? So I'm going to get wind in it down, get towards the end of my act, and this person's, I see this person's face light up, 40 fucking rows up, and I go, texting, and I start doing my little rift about thumb cancer, and the guy ends up going, he yells out after I finished it.

My whole lungs soliloquy about this person texting, right? And he goes, he just yells out, I was talking to him, he just yells out, he just yells out, he just yells out, and he goes, he just yells out, I was taking your picture, you fucking dick. Oh, my God, taking your picture, you fucking dick. And I forget what I said to him, but I was wrong. It's like, all right, you just, then I go, well, you're not supposed to. I'm going to hang out after the show, you can do it then.

I kind of wear my way out of it instead of being like, oh, you know what, sir? I was wrong. I thought you were texting, you were actually taking my picture, meaning you obviously were having a good time with the show. I was in the wrong, I owe you an apology, I'm sorry. Instead, I just said, well, you're not supposed to. And that was like two days ago, and I just keep thinking of that. That's been making me laugh for two days. You know, like when somebody just says something that just strikes you as funny,

like for two days, it just keeps popping in your head, you know what I mean? And people think you're weird because you just burst out laughing out of nowhere. I've been doing that for two days. I just went over to a waffle house. I'm on the road, cut me some slack, right? And I fucking go over there. I'm in the middle, I'm sitting at the counter, you know, it's like elbow to elbow because it's a Sunday here when I'm recording this.

And I'm sitting next to this fucking guy and out of nowhere, I, you know, I didn't know what I was doing. I think I already ordered my stupid dinner, my breakfast and I just heard this guy's voice, taking your picture, you fucking dick. I just burst it out laughing and I kind of weirded out the guy next to me like, why is this guy laughing? Is he laughing at me? Is he a fucking problem here? So I apologize to that guy. You were right. I was wrong. And then also I want to thank you for probably, you know, I don't think you're sitting around still laughing at my act. You've making me laugh for 48 hours.

I'm sure you weren't laughing at my act after I trashed you for texting. You took it really personally. Taking your picture, you fucking dick. That was great. Don't do that in Alabama. Don't say that in Alabama. I'm taking your picture, you fucking dick. And then my other favorite one was in Mobile. I was doing some bit about something dumb that I did. I said, can you believe that? Why the fuck would I do that? And here this guy go, fucking dumbass. Needless to say, old freckles had a great time. I didn't even talk about Louisville, Kentucky, man. We had, oh shit. I'm so glad I didn't forget. Oh, let me, let me do the Columbus thing.

Fucking ADD kicking in here. How I ended up in Columbus, Indiana is basically because all the hotels anywhere near Louisville are sold out. And we laid, I mean, I got the tickets and I waited till last second to get a fucking room. So we had like a 75 mile round trip drive. And, you know, we all kicked in for a car service. You know, it wasn't that bad at the end of the day. And it was great door to door service so we could get all licked. So anyways, one of the coolest things ever, okay? So we're going to Lexington, Kentucky. And as I mentioned slash threatened that I was possibly considering when I was in Lexington, Kentucky, wearing my Kentucky Derby outfit on stage. And which was basically

a seersucker suit with a pink and baby blue bow tie with silly Canadians fan fucking socks to match. I got all the apology to the Habs fan too. I like silly socks. Who knew a Bruins fan? I got to admit silly socks are fun. And you know who likes them? The fucking ladies. Oh, look at those. Those are cute. And I know back when I was a single man, I'll tell you right now, if you're in a dry spell right now and you're not fucking getting pussy, I'm telling you, I'm sorry to be graphic ladies, fucking go get yourself some silly socks and just stick your foot on something that's a little higher than your other foot and you'll show it off and they'll come walking up to you. They'll strike it up. Women cannot resist a fashion statement. I'm telling you,

there's something about not all of them, but I'm telling you, there's something about it. Now I understand those Frenchies and why they have those fucking menage toise. It's not because they're they're more schooled in the language of love. It's those fucking socks, which is smart, right? You get them looking down at your ankles because you don't have deodorant. You have fucking armpits. Oh, Jesus, Bill, what is wrong with you? Oh, fuck you. You fill an hour every fucking week. Anyways, oh, okay, I'll tell you the Lexington story right after these messages here. And I don't have my advertising yet. So I'm going to drop these in. So if it sounds different, that's why. So let's take a moment right now to listen to Bill Burr in the future struggle

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that's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. Oh yeah. I don't want to shut this off. Hey and I'm back. I'm back and it's fucking yesterday or maybe earlier today depending on whenever I get to fucking advertising. Anyways let's get back to oh this is a good way for me to not to fucking get off track here is to not read advertising just plow through this shit. So I'll actually come back out of the advertising and give you the Lexington story. So here you go. So I'm sitting and I'm getting ready for the show and I'm ironing my regular shirt and everything and I'm thinking I should wear the Kentucky Derby outfit then I'm thinking oh what if they don't like it and then I'm standing there look stupid. Then I was just like yeah

don't be a pussy put the fucking thing on. So I put the whole thing on right and I'm standing backstage and I'm waiting to go on after Verzi and Lawhead killed it. Lawhead's hosting so he's about ready to bring me out and for the first time since I can remember I was actually a little nervous just walking out to do a regular show you know you know if it's fucking special or something like that you always get the butterflies and I was actually nervous so he introduced please welcome Bill Burr so I come walking out and everybody's clapping and as they're clapping they're taking in what the fuck I'm wearing right and they went fucking nuts they all stood up it was one I got to tell you I got to thank people like seeing that it's

that's the coolest round of applause I ever got in my life I've never heard a crowd cheer like that it was a different thing it wasn't that was funny or I relate to that that was I can't explain it like it was it was it made the fucking tour really made the tour and then it was funny now I'm standing there I got this outfit on and then it dies down I go into my act and then it just became even funnier like oh he's just gonna do his act dress like like he's competing with Popeye's chicken here and I toughed it out for a good 10 minutes before I finally had to take the hat off I'm like you guys I gotta tell you this this seemed like a great idea 90 seconds ago but this fucking thing is hot as hell under these lights so I ended up taking off the hat but

anyways we ended up hanging out in Lexington Kentucky and it was it was just ridiculously polite people we were right on the camp campus of the Kentucky Wildcats and I mean it wasn't just me even Lawhead and Versey were both just really blown away at how great the people were in Kentucky you know I'm just really really just nice polite smart people we were right there on the fucking campus or whatever what are you saying we weren't smart and intelligent you fucking dick and Evansville I'm just saying you know it was a different by each one had a different vibe like I liked Evansville and everyone was shitting on Evansville saying what a shithole it was and I don't know I just have a different perspective living in a state that is running out of water

you know that is overly populated living in a city that's actually a desert but for some reason doesn't look like it because we steal the water and everybody freaking the fuck out like Captain Kirk there actually having the balls to say that Seattle has too much water it's like oh really oh did nature fuck that up did God put the water in the wrong place Shatney Shatney I'm Bill Shatney oh Billy Shat it's like no we've been stealing the water at some point the check was going to hit the table right it's time to pay up who knows what's going to happen do you realize I just fucking put in one of the great bathrooms of all time in Los Angeles and it might not have a drop coming out of the spicket whose fault is that I knew it was a desert you know

you got to know when to hold them know when not to build a bathroom especially when you live in a desert that steals some water don't act like a victim even though you're a captain of a spaceship that was a long fucking time ago and that spaceship wasn't real um sorry anyways um um so so we go to the derby the derby ends now we're driving back you know everybody's starting to nod off or whatever and we fucking get back here to Columbia Indiana and we're all excited because we're going to go watch the Mayweather Pacquiao fight we're going to watch game seven and then watch Mayweather Pacquiao fight oh by the way I was wrong about the uh my redwinks pick congratulations to the Tampa Bay Lightning for closing out that series and then

I also said that the Spurs were going to beat uh the Clippers I said the Spurs once the Clippers lost game two I was like that fucking series is over it's the Clippers they don't have it in them the Spurs know how to win it's the first round they're going to fucking get past them shows you what the fuck I know once again shows you what the fuck I know which also begs the question why the fuck are you still listening to this um we end up going into uh the Buffalo Wildwinks up the street oh yeah oh yeah the Buffalo Wildwinks and uh turns out they don't have the fight we're like what do you mean you don't have the fight it's the biggest fucking fight of the last 10 goddamn years in boxing how do you not have the fight Mr Wildwinks can I call you Buffalo

hey Buffy why don't you have the fucking fight right well we walk in there and within two seconds we realize why they don't have the fight because it's an absolute shit show we walked into that fucking place the Buffalo Wildwinks um and they had game seven up on the big screen they had two big screens so up in the big screen they have game seven of the Spurs and the Clippers and next to it they have another big screen and on that they have some replay of a golf tournament and for whatever fucking reason when we walked in the volume was up on the golf tournament to like like spinal tap 11 I've never heard golf commentary that loud in my life and meanwhile the Spurs it was already the third quarter it was just to start coming out of this coming out of the half it was like 54 52

something crazy like that so I guess it was you know you know quarter in mid mid third quarter right and we're sitting there Lawhead's immediately beside himself Lawhead used to manage a fucking restaurant so we always walk in we get him going we go Jake did you manage this verse he always does this hey Jake did you manage this place he's like okay right now tell me right now she'd be fired and he just starts firing half the staff it's just this fucking running joke and we asked him about this place he said well how would you manage this place he said I'd board it up and shut it down called the fucking regional manager and say we got to start over again so we say to the waitress can we put the game seven basketball fan on or these you guys really

into golf here and she kind of laughs and yeah I don't know why the volume's up on that either so they switch it over to the game and we were watching the game still beside ourselves that a buffalo wild wings for as much as you watch their commercials like this is the place to go to watch the game everybody with their tall fucking slender hoary looking glasses drinking the blue moon with the orange in it right having the best fucking time ever watching the game telling little petty lies to their friends and their wives and all this shit because it's so great isn't that also the one where you get to hit pause so you can just make this amazing experience continue even longer I'll tell you right now man our experience at the Buffalo Wild Wings Applebee's could talk shit

the Buffalo Wild Wings and you know when you go to an Applebee's to watch a game you're watching that on a square kitchen TV all right it's stuck up next to some fake brick you know as they bring in one of those hot skillets of some shit that they think is fancy all right those poor people nobody in Applebee's is progressed beyond the seventh grade and that's a fact that's actually one of the requirements to manage an Applebee's okay your grades have to take a major dip in the seventh grade lost all hope by the tenth grade all right anyways let's plow ahead here so anyway so I'm sitting there going like wow it's really fucked up that the Wild Wings of Buffalo um um why is domestic chicken wild um so anyways I actually went to look up uh

you know I don't know I was just reading on the uh the pack you have oh wait wait wait wait wait what the fuck am I talking about so the fucking clip is ended up beating the spurs and one of the great games I've seen in basketball in a while and great series god knows the only reason why I watched it because I was hanging out with Verzien Lawhead I've missed all the hockey as you can tell I know Tampa Bay's up uh one game to none on the Habs I know the Rangers are up two nothing on the capitals I think the Ducks won their first game and I don't know what's going on with Chicago uh oh Bill you could have looked it up for the podcast hey you know what you could do you could go fuck yourself you could do a tofu maybe if I fuck this up it

makes you feel good because you get to correct me on Twitter um anyway so I um I ended up we came back I crashed and Verzi texted me like two hours later and says I guess the uh the Mayweather Pacquiao fight was a shit show it was boring as shit and blah blah what people were basically saying and um so I was kind of looking it up today to see what the deal was and you know basically boxing purists or at this point people who actually watch boxing were saying that it was a great fight and that Mayweather once again pulled up put on an absolute clinic and if you actually knew your ass from a fucking hole in the ground when it came to boxing you would have actually been able to see that and you wouldn't have been piss moaning and complaining that it was boring

you know which I understand because I know when I watch UFC which I don't know a lot about but I watch it on TV and Rogan's always describing oh the guy's going for a Kamoro he's going for this and going for that the crowd after a while starts to boo when they're laying on the ground because they think it's boring but you know in defense of those fans when you're sitting 200 rows up you can't see what he's going for all right looks like two people cuddling but they can't quite get comfortable they're a new couple you know what I mean they're trying to see how the two bodies fit together so um anyways so I just started reading about the fight to see what happens um I actually had my wife pay for the fight I'm going to watch it tonight um because at the very least when I

watch it it makes me want to get in shape um oh which is a great thing to do by the way if you hate skipping rope tape a fucking championship fight that goes the distance there you go all right then all you do is you press play and when they fight you skip rope when they sit down you sit down and then you keep going you try to see how many rounds you can go all right and as they get tired you get tired you feel like you're actually a fighter and then at the end of it you realize you just some jerk off in his in his underwear skipping rope right and it hurts when it hits your toes um all right so here's how the pay I've actually looked up some shit here's how the pay per view worked out and I own I own another apology to the wild wings of buffalo god knows

if you ever go out the buffalo you got to watch out for the for the not the domesticated chicken it's the wild chicken all right those fuckers those fuckers will take you out man they'll jump right on the hood of your car and they'll peck through your windshield and there's nothing you can do one of them goes for the electrical so you're fucking you can't start your car all right and it's it's over it's like one of those alfred hitchcock movies chickens um here's how the pay per view worked for uh for bars or anybody basically showing at a commercial level that was going to charge for the many uh uh the packy owl and uh mayweather fight bars venues had to pay 25 times their their fire code fire code being the maximum amount of people they can be

in the establishment um so it's not a fire hazard so you had to pay 25 times basically being sold out so basically out of the gate if the bar charged $25 ahead they needed to sell out the bar just to break even on what they paid for the fight this is why boxing is so fucking dumb okay you got a sport that is starting to lose to the UFC or not starting to it has been and this is what the fuck they do when they got this great fight to maybe bring the casual fan back you know this is what they do so if you had a bar that was i've actually worked out the numbers 250 capacity right that's the fire code that would cost you $6250 to get the fight then if you charge 30 bucks ahead you're trying to make five ahead if you sold out you'd make 1250 you got to spend 60 6250

bucks to make 1250 bucks and that's if you're fucking sold out all right and there's nothing stopping the guy across the street from also having the fight or from people at home going hey why don't we have fucking you know five people watch it it'll cost us 20 bucks ahead so you're competing with all of that there's nothing exclusive about this this isn't like hey you know fucking uh whatever Justin Bieber fuck you he sells tickets is performing at my venue in my venue alone tonight no he's across the street he's fucking everywhere right so boxing boxing basically said to these bars that we're taking all the money um we're taking all the money from your customers to watch the fight okay and then you take the booze and the food it was essentially like a door deal that was

based on the bar taking responsibility to sell out their own venue how dumb is that like not to mention these two guys should have fought five to seven years ago when they were in their prime i'm not saying they're not great fighters not the great fighters of all fucking time i'm just saying they should have fought like in the 2000s it's 2015 they're finally fucking fighting um i just think i don't know boxing is just it's just a really poorly run fucking sport and the fact that fighters can dodge one another for so long i think that that's why you don't have those great fighting divisions anymore like when i was growing up okay 70s and 80s when i was a kid and then get into my teenage years boxing was unbelievable all right and

what happened with each decade was they would just you know the planets aligned and there'd be this ridiculous level of talent in one division and then that was the division you wanted to watch and then the in the 70s it was the heavyweight division and then in the 80s it was the middleweight division and meanwhile there was all these other divisions that had like alexa sarguea and boom boom mancini and all these these superstars but i think a guy like you know like nowadays then it became the dump but back then it was just what was it the wba the wbf was all it was then it was the wbf and the wba and the ibf and that would be like the nfl split into fucking three football leagues it you know and each one of them had a super bowl champion it fucked the whole thing up and then all of a

sudden the ufc comes along you got everybody under the one umbrella and even some of the other groups like ufc is doing exactly what the nfl and the nba did like when the the aba of the uh the afl came out the nfl just absorbed that league the nba absorbed the aba the league was you know that upstart league was then over and then they had just had a monopoly so then the best football team or the best basketball team has to play the second best one and then that's the champion the fucking boxing hasn't been like that forever so i think that that's why i think mayweather suffers because of that even though he wouldn't probably wouldn't be undefeated because who's a kid who mayweather fought back in that division when haggler herns

rey lennard durand if all of those guys had losses because they all had to fucking fight each other and nowadays it's like you know fucking you watch mayweather and paciel for fucking seven years before they finally fucking fight i know a lot of you guys say bill you don't know shit about fighting i admit that okay but if you want to survive as a fucking league or as a division or whatever the fuck your sport is you got to get the asshole like me to buy the fight the casual fan who says dumb shit and the person who actually watches it sits there and rolls their eye i know the feeling i go to super bowl parties right i just don't understand why the fuck they're doing that because boxing is such an unbelievable sport um the only thing that does bug me about it is i am

a hockey fan and i hate when they talk about the fighting how they got to get the fighting out of hockey it's really but you really got to get the fighting out of hockey but but you don't have to get the fighting out of boxing you know what i mean that's all they do is punch each other in the fucking head to the point that they end up with parkinson's disease fucking hockey they occasionally fight it's it's a little spice it's a little fucking flavor to the game all these fucking people who can't handle it what don't fucking watch it ah jesus bill you just did the sporting version of if you don't like it why don't you get the fuck out of the country taking your picture you fucking dick taking your picture fucking dick um the more

exaggerated the more the more it just keeps giving oh it's the joke that just keeps giving all right let's do uh let's do some questions here but um having said all that who the fuck wouldn't want to be in the shape of mayweather or a fucking packy out good lord the fucking dedication alone that just that takes forget about the fact that you have to push down the sicken sickening nauseating feeling that there there is a world-class athlete training somewhere in the universe to just beat the living shit out of you i mean that's just fucking unreal you know i mean if you're gonna get into a fight don't you want just just to happen like you know you just sitting there and all of a sudden you're fucking yelling at somebody at the kentucky derby then it just

fucking happens but if you have to sit there and think about it and train for it and know that somebody else is going to do that's just a level of balls that i obviously the old freckled wonder here i i can't i can't relate to that um all right so here we are this is the money money podcast everybody and uh i do this once a week and once a week i got the just checking it on podcast on thursday the tuesday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast um that's the one i just sort of that's a newer one i just do like 30 minutes and then i play some classic hits from uh from years gone by in another world where podcasting was young it was innocent and it was unified unlike boxing um if you'd like me to uh talk about something or whatever if you want

to uh suggest some topics the way to do it for the thursday one is you tweet at uh bill at the mmpodcast.com with the hashtag TAMMP all capitals tango alpha mic mic papa sorry um and for the monday morning podcast if you'd like me to read your emails your questions or whatever um just send it to oh i'm such a dope bill at the mmpodcast.com is the email for mondays i i've never gotten this fucking right all right fuck everything that i just said fuck it dear jish um all right for the thursday afternoon monday morning podcast just before friday all right hashtag TAMMP and the twitter account is at the mm podcast all right good lord now if you want to email me for the monday morning podcast it's bill at the mm podcast.com jesus christ bill that was all written

right in front of me and i still fucked it up um for the thursday one you can tweet articles videos questions um i guess you know what you don't need to tweet at the mm podcast you can just hashtag jesus here's the third version you can just hashtag TAMMP oh fuck that jesus christ i mean that was just if anybody has a business school and you want to teach about what not to do in advertising why don't you just play that clip all right under the slide caption shit show all right evansville here's something greetings bill i just want to take a moment to thank bill for an incredible show in evansville indiana thank you very much i'm actually upset when we wrote into town i didn't get to go to the uh the cross-eyed grasshopper family restaurant i

mean with the fucking name like that how do i not go in there and eat amongst those water bugs i'm kidding i'm sure it's a nice clean friendly place i said my face still hurts from laughing also i was wondering what was where the names of the two opening acts uh they were both great well that would have been paul versey v i r z i and jason lawhead spelt like law break the law and head i'll kick you in the fucking head well i can't it be something nice okay i will fix the cowlick on top of your head gently as i stare at your eyes um stare at your eyes look romantically oh forget it all right thursday podcast um hey bill on the old clips uh you talked about an urban legend oh yeah i was talking about all those urban legends about you remember pop rocks

dude there was a kid and he ate a whole bottle he sucked down a whole package of pop rocks and his fucking stomach exploded and there was always the one about dude there was a kid who he put in he put an m80 which is an eighth of a stick of dynamite i believe we always thought it was a quarter stick i think it's an eighth stuck in the back of some kid's pocket lit it in uh blew half the kid's ass off so this guy says um well in the mid eighties my brother my step brother did just that that he had to get skin grafted from his thigh to his ass it's no urban legend from new jersey oh maybe that's where it started they always say there's a little bit of truth and all of that shit is that what they say that is what they say too billy holy shit the thursday podcast is the

best thing you could have done you are a genius i'm not a genius andrew came up with it uh the old clips are hilarious i love dropping in on the middle of an old school podcast catching you in a random mood yeah that is the thing because my vibe on this thursday then it connects with whatever the fuck i was talking about on some monday in like 2009 or 10 or something so i guess that would be a weird little mashup as the kids say um this person said i listened to a lot of podcasts over time some of them change the hosts get egos and the vibe is different i love how you're 10 times bigger than you were when you oh look at this whole fucking ball rubbing thing here did i write this i'm 10 times bigger than i was everybody when i started the podcast but i still act the same

all freckles is down to our well when you're a balding redheaded male you really don't have the opportunity to take your shirt off and vip do you huh spin it around your head i swear to god if i had pigment i would be a much oh my god the ego i would fucking have are you kidding me if i had pigment a full head of hair you guys wouldn't even know me the day that they actually come up with a pill because i would never do that fucking you know taking hair from the back of your fucking head putting on i would never do that i'm like i'm not fucking doing that numbing up my head it's just like all right to bill why don't you just admit that it's over all right fucking buzz it down grow some sort of facial hair you know or just shave your face

and let people look like a just make them look at a rapidly approaching 50 year old adult baby how mad don't do this by the way because you're getting trouble but how fucking funny and how mad would the person get if you walked up to a fucking guy who had his head clean shaved at his face he didn't have any facial hair all right and he's in his 40s or whatever you just walked up to him he's sitting in a bar mining his own business and you walked up and you're underneath his chin you went uh guji guji gu uh guji abu abu like how far could you get away before that person i think i would uh no somebody touching you would make you mad other than that i mean i think i'd laugh um but don't do that everybody okay the world is a is a bad enough

place you really don't need you know you know do you really need a bar fight think about that people at what point in your in your life do you sit there and be like you know what would be a good asset to my life right now both spiritually personally and legally a nice knock down drag out bar fight although that would be funny though if that happened and then you guys actually decided to work it out on like judge judy you know when she comes out there oh fucking extra angry for the fucking uh you know for the tv cameras and you went out there and you know the bald guys got to go uh you know it's minding me own business and his mate come up and he put his finger charlie bit my finger and it hurt he put it on under my cheek and under my chin and what did he say at that time

uh he said a coochie coochie coo right and i didn't like it i don't know why i gotta be english uh whatever the fuck i was just trying to do right there's no robbery i gotta get back to fucking peeky blind just when i get back um i'm two episodes in i'm gonna watch every fucking episode i can before i go to do all my shows in boston there um all right what else was there uh thanks for the laugh man my days go by much quicker no worries everybody look at that the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast the just checking in on your podcast to make it fucking quicker is really at look at people are liking it check it out if you can um oh shit all right i gotta read another advertising here before i get into the rest

of these uh once again this is bill burr in the future desperately trying to read out loud my jesus we're back in the past there actually when you're listening to all of this it's all in the past isn't it i don't know all right booing at the draft from a lady hey bill my mother in law is a huge sports fan and she insisted on watching the draft i have never seen the draft before and i was really shocked at the rude behavior of the spectators well you've obviously never gone to a sporting event going to a sporting event is watching a bunch of people that probably can't catch a ball or maybe they could but now they're just old and out of shape just you know just trashing people that can do what they they could never do that's what it is um anyways is

that how it normally goes down or is it because it was held in chicago as a wisconsinite i would have thought it was a wisconsiner a wisconsinite um that lives in a tourist destination for those damn fibs fucking idiot bastards oh fucking illinois bastards oh i came close uh as we call them in door count door county i instantly blame chicago for all the ass hattery are my instincts correct or is it always like that thanks and go fuck yourself um no your instincts are not correct and as far as how wisconsinites view people from chicago you know that's just standard behavior that's standard human behavior you don't like your neighbor you don't like your neighbor or this town is rivals with the town next to it this state doesn't like the state next to it this

country doesn't like the country next to it you just keep making it bigger and bigger this continent doesn't like this continent you can go right up just basically familiarity breeds contempt and it takes an unbelievable level of maturity for you to be sitting up there in cheese land to look down at mustache city and see the good in it you know especially when they're coming up there to vacation in your area you're not gonna like it when i live in new york city i fucking hated walking through time square bunch of fucking families with their kids going to the fucking m&m store you know they actually made you wish that it was still peep shows which was disgusting was fucking gross time square back in day was gross and now they've gone the other way

way which just uh you know it's a lot of uh big people in jean shorts plotting through traffic not knowing where they're going and uh there's nothing like a giant a giant group of people likes to do more than to just stop and stand in the middle of the sidewalk looking around waiting for someone to make a fucking decision you know a bunch of followers all right walking into the hershey kiss store you know buying some fucking new york t-shirt that has fucking you know you buy the new york t-shirt with a picture of john lennon on it wearing the new york t-shirt you want to do that shit yeah you fucking hate that stuff so no i don't think it has to do with that i mean obviously you know philly's known for booing uh new york city's known for booing

boston's known for you know it's a uh you know it's a shit and people also fly in for the draft if you can believe that they fly in for the draft i will never understand that i already did a bit about it on my last special but i will never understand that it's like going down to the dmv when you don't have to someone's going to take the test for you all you got to do is just see how they did the next day as you're eating a fucking english muffin there's no fucking reason to go down there i haven't even looked i haven't even stopped to even look to see you know who my team took and i don't give a shit i mean i care i want them to do well but like i'll wait to the football season to see how they do but i guess those are the people that get into it a lot more you know

the ones that want to those are people actually know the names of like the gms and the higher ups and like i i just don't have fucking time to get into it to that level you know what i mean i i have too many other things that waste my time so no i wouldn't blame it on chicago i like chicago i love wisconsin i think you guys are all great standing from the outside i don't know what your fucking problem is the same way i look at the middle east what is the fucking problem over there why don't you all guys if everybody just became atheist in the middle east you know now they find something else i don't like his shoes let's blow them up um game show uh bill if you could be on any game show from any time period oh what a great question what would it be

i'm a huge i'm back on the day i was a big game show fan when i was growing up during the summer we didn't have a pool right we lived on a busy street we used to watch the prices right every day ba da ba da uh uh gotta get there walk walk by da da da da da da da da da da da is that the one what the thinking music on the match games boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom what the fucking wah wah pedal was big in the 70s all right um let's see i picture you on the prices right good call god knows you're not cut out for jeopardy fuck you or wheel of fortune kidding you're a smart bastard no i'm not oh no wheel of fortune dude you can have everything but the vowels and i still can't get it um i'm really bad at that

like you see i'm not good at reading out loud i'm not good at reading in general everything gets all jumbled up you know my eyes travel faster than my brain can process it it's an absolute shit show uh he goes i see you teaching old ladies how to put and demonstrating what how to put and demonstrating the wheel going around oh i thought you meant as a contestant you're talking about hosting all right or uh demonstrating the wheel going around one for rotation and not to mention the kisses on the cheek from all the fucking ladies and instead of barker's beauties it'd be burrs beauties your thoughts all right if i could host any show um i kind of like the family feud but there's two you got to talk to too many people i'd rather just deal with the head of both families

like a mob thing like let's have a little fucking sit down all right you know you seem like a reasonable person but you know that shit show behind you i really don't want to get involved in so why don't you ask them what the fuck they think and then you say it how about that all right so i would not last long on that uh wheel of fortune um i could actually i wouldn't mind hosting that one the sound of the wheel is annoying to me and i don't like when they fucking lose a turn they go that would get to me after a while because i would think like that would be the the soundtrack to my career at that point although vanna white still there still looking on you know she threw me a glance with those beautiful fucking eyes that could be a fun one

price is right i mean that's the iconic one i mean that's the fucking patriots that's the yankees and much as i hate to say the canadiens a game shows right it is fucking is actually to be fair it's the green bay packers because they've won the most nfl titles and super bowls combined i would have to say that so uh price is right i you know i like about the price is right is you're not confined to just one game you know i mean like wheel of fortune is the one game the spin in the wheel spin in the wheel spin in the wheel fucking family feud i asked you name a sound of a fart and you said serve a set you know whatever i think you're just doing the same thing fucking over and over again right but the price is right there's all those different

games all the different games and then you know you got a halftime like a sporting event i think you nailed it dude remember card sharks all of it higher all of it lower it's fucking stupid it's really hard you know if you can come up with a good game show one of the most brilliant ones ever was who wants to be a millionaire that's such a fucking simple idea i can't believe any fucking thing to do that sure as hell and be hosting this podcast right now be drinking myself to death somewhere on a fucking i don't know what not an island be getting like die a sunstroke i don't know where the fuck i'd be but wouldn't be sitting here right now who wants to be a millionaire hey who doesn't i mean right there the fucking show sells itself i don't want

to do i'm gonna come up with a game show for like the porno network called who wants a blowjob i do right there you go there's your show then you just ask like fucking questions about uh you know whatever sex rim job is that your final answer financial rim job do you are correct um all right let's move on to the next one all right woman takes man's leg okay hey bill i'm i am 19 years old oh by the way i'm really happy that a fucking woman finally wrote in here hey bill i am 19 years old just graduating high school and not going and going to enlist in the u.s marine corps uh just a little about me in parentheses i have been listening to your podcast for about a year now and i find you hilarious

anyways i came across this video and apparently this lady steals this steals this guy's leg when he goes to sleep and has been holding it for ransom because this guy cheated on her i just wanted to get your take on this since you're the best on discussing the ladies thanks for all the laughs and go fuck yourself so wait a minute this guy's got a fake leg obviously no bill he's got a real one and she sawed it off and fucking i don't know what do they do then they stick your stump in a fire that's how they used to do it in the uh the cowboy movies to cauterize whatever their fucking word is clarify your fucking arteries i don't know stop the bleeding does that even work or is that just some hollywood shit i have no fucking idea i don't pretend to be a doctor

or even look like one um what do i think about that well he fucked around hell half no fury well how long has she had the leg you know what i would do i just buy another one i'd light up my card i'd buy another one and i would fucking you know walk awkwardly over to our house and i would just be like really you know what do i think about that i think uh she should give it back i understand why she fucking did it but um that's that bullshit that women can get away with where they can get away with destruction of property and that type of shit like you know they can throw all your shit out the fucking window light it on fire and do all this type of crap and the cops show up just laughing you know i've been there i fucked around with my girl i got a dick too buddy

this is what happens every once in a while they like the shit on fire oh she's like a fucking alicate and a fucking um what do i think about i think it's fucking hilarious he obviously uh you know he fucked around what are you gonna do but you're mad about that you got it i would i would think that if i had a fake leg and i was fucking around that uh i would be wearing that thing to bed you know what i mean or at least i'd have a backup leg i think in general wouldn't you have a backup leg i mean even people who can't see got a backup pair of glasses right you should have another leg you know what you have a fucking you know you know me cell phone charges i have i fucking lose those things all the time and i know what people would know with only one leg i think a dude you

have any idea how expensive they are no i got both my legs but i can tell you this i cut back on the drinking to have a spare you know what i mean i'd be still watching a square tv before i would buy a flat screen okay i wouldn't buy a flat screen tv until i had an extra fucking leg that that's a that's a fucking guarantee okay you can take that to the god damn bank all right but you know let's get to the real story here let's talk about this fucking mac daddy he only has one goddamn leg and he's still fucking slaying it you know i bet that got her a fucking goat the fact that you know this guy's got one leg and she's sitting there patting herself on the back of what a good person she is that she's you know that she can see i don't care about appendages i care i care about what's in here

not what's hanging off your pelvis except for that your dick you know um but who knows maybe bruce jenner doesn't want his leave me watch your death maybe you could buy his shirt's a little bit older than you are but you know i mean the catholons is your cock one i'm not trying to belittle you i am not don't put words in my mouth um yeah i i she's you know that's fucking hilarious i can't come into work today why well i fucked around on my girlfriend she took my fake leg all you're gonna hear is the boss on the other side fuck you what are you gonna do buddy hop down here and kick my ass you're gonna fall down um anyways all right so i'm sure you're gonna hear from the people with one fucking leg out there

you know quit your bitching okay can always be worse all right it can always be fucking worse you know what i mean for every person out there with one leg all right there's someone else in a loveless marriage okay and that's even worse every fucking day waking up next to that person man or a woman and not feeling a fucking thing as they look into your eyes and they hand you that card on valentine's day you might as well be talking to a chest of drawers um all right wow that was dark all right gathering and protesting versus rioting bill i sympathize with the black community through all of this oh god this sounds like it's going to go off the rails hey i have a black friend but having said that um all right it's ridiculous uh some cops not all of them

can be total assholes with pent up anger and absolutely no control over their violent actions and it's no excuse you shouldn't have to do that job unless you're a saint who also knows how to kick ass it's fucking hilarious you want a superhero at that point where do you stand on the protest slash riots where's the line obviously destroying someone's business is ridiculous and doesn't promote social change but i also sometimes he just he misses a word but also sometimes think i think he was supposed to say you got to crack a few eggs please use the next five to ten minutes to solve this social problem hilarious um i don't know when i watch that you're just watching the result of uh you know what happened a long time ago it's the fallout of all of that um

the genius of uh saying that one race was better than another race so you could fuck over both races but you adjusted how you were doing it and you get to keep all the money at the top right like you're basically sticking a dick in everybody's ass but you go balls deep with one people and another people you're only halfway in and then you get so then the genius of that is you got someone with half a dick in their ass actually feeling lucky because it's not balls deep right and just the fallout of that is what you're watching does that make any sense other than i can't just totally blame super rich people on this or the controlling people throughout the centuries but i will say that uh just generally speaking even that horseshit with the lady in

wisconsin just looking for the bad and chicago people and blaming all of the bullshit behavior on uh draft day for the city of chicago um i just think unfortunately the inherent nature of people is to uh be selfish cunts to be fearful to want more to be worried about tomorrow and uh to want to be uh i don't know feel a little better than the other person me look at me at the derby right right now where i was sitting i was two steps above where those people were standing and when i stood up i could still see the fucking race but i was like i am a sitter you are a stander you are less than me and next thing you know i'm yelling at this person like i built the whole fucking area right um i just think it's in our nature to not get along i hate to say that because

it's the easiest fucking thing to do because it doesn't take any effort getting annoyed by somebody is effortless actually having empathy and seeing where the fuck they're coming from or maybe thinking about how you should say something and respecting somebody it just takes a lot of fucking effort you know and you know when the heat of the moment that usually doesn't happen and uh there you go i overly simplified the whole fucking thing but i think it's uh uh i don't know i've been through baltimore i've been through detroit parts of cleveland parts of buffalo all that rust belt and stuff that you know parts of the south now some of places i went through you can't believe how people are living in this country and it's just

fucking wrong it's wrong and then we're over there allegedly trying to rescue people in other countries which is the dumbest shit ever that isn't we're just taking their natural resources to make it i mean we aren't i don't get into all of that shit but i just don't think that this country is sitting there looking at other countries going god damn it fuck they're just not free we got to do something about this is bullshit i don't i don't buy into any of it it's uh you know and this is nothing too i have no fucking idea how to turn that around uh no fucking way how to turn it around on a societal level i can't tell though on an individual level uh you can totally turn around your life without a fucking doubt you just have to

fucking you just can't you got to become unstoppable and the more down the fucking shit slide you are the more unstoppable you have to be and that's just the way it is life isn't fucking fair and for as bad as you got it somebody's got it fucking worse i mean there's a guy with one fucking leg who can't go to work because he stuck his dick into something else which he's fucking wired to do you know i mean that woman taken out of the guy's leg she's basically saying god is wrong you know but she won't get called on it will she did any of that make any sense i actually started daydreaming halfway through that um this is bill burr and this has been the monday morning podcast i would like all of you to go fuck yourselves and i'll talk to you

next i'll actually talk i'll check in on you on thursday but i'm basically gonna talk to you i talk to you every monday thursday's i'm just checking in on you you know just poking my head and seeing how the fuck you're doing but this this day here this is the real shit right and if you like the real shit and it is a pile of shit here and if you would like to uh contribute to the monday morning podcast effortlessly well this actually takes a little bit of thought next time you go to amazon to buy something just click on uh go to bill burr dot com click on the podcast page and then just click on the amazon little fucking app there whatever the fucking thing you call it the banner ad it'll take you right to amazon and then buy something if you want and if you do i get a

little credit for driving some traffic that was already going to go there anyways they kicked me a little bit of fucking money um they're basically whoring off the love that they think you have for me in this podcast that's what they're doing they're trying to pile on that shit you know what i mean i don't know i'm talking about um thanks to everybody sincerely for the last two weeks um i am wiped out i am tired but it was one of the great experiences that i've had in my stand-up career to get to go to all these cities that i had never been to um other than new orleans i had never been to any of these other ones as far as i can remember and it was awesome the people were great the guys were awesome

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