Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-16

Episode Date: May 5, 2016

Bill rambles about day drinking, Trump/Cruz and Leicester City.

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Preferably during the day. There's nothing better than day drinking. I'll tell you that right now. A lot of people think, oh, holding my child.

Fuck that. Turing in disease. I don't think so. Sitting in a bar during the day. You know, one of those bars where, you know, the sun barely fucking comes in, right? One of those fucking places. Don't meet a gay bar. All right, let me tell you right now. Not one of those gay bars where, well, it's accepted now, right? Don't gay bars have like fucking ceiling to floor windows?

Right? We're here. We're queer. We'd like some fucking beer. Isn't that what goes on there? I don't know. I haven't got caught up on Will and Grace. I'm sorry. I don't want the stupid mood. Damn it! Yeah, day drinking. Day drinking, baby. I always thought the Beatles should have made that instead of Day Tripper.

She was a day drinker. Fucking boozing, yeah. It took us so long to get drunk. Now she's drunk. I've been writing all day. We got a table read tomorrow morning, so it's actually Wednesday evening. And I'm doing this in my spotless home. My spotless home, home, home, home. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, my wife is on the road again, right? She's out visiting some fucking friends or whatever. We're having an affair. I don't know. I can't keep tabs on her. I only have an iPhone 6, you know? If I had one of those phones that they already have in Japan, I could probably watch her from a satellite and then text her. You know, well, I played that creepy stink song. I guess it's the police, right?

I'll be watching you. I remember when that song came out, they said, you know, that song actually makes men beat women. It's like, no, I would say a poor childhood would probably be bigger than Sting's fucking song. You know, that was back when you really could try to blame musicians for fucking, for your own bad parenting. You know what I mean? Oh, there was devil in the music and you play it backwards and you sucked as a mother.

Well, and then this song here reminds him of this and his dad, yes, smoked when it was in the womb. Just shut up already. Remember that tipper gore and all of them slapping those stickers all over the place, right? Meanwhile, they're all in the Illuminati, dressing up like pheasants, sticking their fucking fists in each other's asses. Oh, that's what goes down. That's what happens.

That's the kind of thing that CNN and Fox News are too afraid to talk about. That's why they're always going after fucking comedians if we do a Bruce Jenner joke. It's just a big misdirection because they really don't want to know or let the regular people know how much fisting is going on at the upper 1% of wealth. But I'll get to that later. I'll get to that later. Anyways, that was a big week in sports. This is how little soccer fucking matters in the United States.

When Leicester City did, which is basically the impossible, they won the Premier League. And I know there's a lot of yanks, a lot of Yankee cunts listening right now, right? Basically the Premier League in my mind, in my world, in my pasty, freckled, lonely world, I would say that the Premier League, if you're going to watch soccer, that's what the fuck you watch. I would even say, fuck the World Cup. The World Cup is like the St. Patrick's Day of fucking soccer where every douchebag who barely even gives a fuck shows up and then they fucking somebody gets puked on, right?

The Premier League, that's the real shit. That is the real shit. It just sounds real. It looks real. Actually, if I put that shit on, if it's a little bit cold out, you know, it feels like that shitty fucking England weather. I'll actually watch it, which means a lot, you know what I mean? Because I know the fucking people over in England, they don't watch NFL football.

They think it's stupid, right? Everybody running around, you know, in shape with good dental work. I'm sorry. Anyways, so what I love about the Premier League, and I'm going to fuck this up, it's been explained to me 50 times. I just don't have enough time in my life to pay attention. But the one thing that I think is fucking hilarious is with all our leagues over here, if you're in the NHL, you're in the NHL, you're in the NFL, if you're in the NFL,

you're just in there. No matter how bad you suck, you're fucking in there. All right? Like take the New York Yankees right now in the fucking... Sella! Right? I watched a little baseball this week. I just happened to catch it.

I didn't even know the Red Sox were playing the Yankees. Did we sweep them? I think we did. I think that made us go into first place. Oh, am I talking shit about a sport I never watch? I think I am. I actually liked the panda guy. I don't wish this on anybody, but he's out.

So now we kind of don't really have any big free agents. And I don't feel like the Yankees really do either. So I kind of like it. It seems like it's gone back. It's settled down. The Roids are out of the game. All the big free agent fucking things. It's just kind of settled down.

And this might sound fucked up to Red Sox fan, but I don't want the Yankees being last place. I don't want to be right there. Right there with us, you know, slugging it out. And then the last day of the year, we're giving the old right there, Fred, and then we go to fucking the playoffs. That's what I want.

But I'm going... I'm getting off the fucking highway here. I need to get back on here. So in the Premier League, this is a great... I think it's the last two teams. The bottom two teams every year in the Premier League, if you suck... If you suck the bag of dicks, basically,

if you just weren't... Everybody was kicking the shit out of you. Basically, meaning they scored like two goals on you. You know, they got murdered. They lit up two goals in fucking nine hours. They get bounced right out of the... You're out of the fucking league. You know what I mean?

Like, say... I don't know, I'm trying to think of somebody... There's just so much parody in the fucking NFL. We'll say the Tampa Bay Buccaneers back in the day. Like when they went 0-1-14, boom, you're out of the league. And the Detroit Lions, you're out of the league. And then they give some other clubs a chance. And that happens every year.

And I guess that's the way it becomes a Premier League. I don't know. You'd think they just take all the best guys and stick them on 30 teams like we do. But this is different. You'd think they brushed their teeth. There's a whole bunch of things that you would think that they would do over there, but they choose not to.

You know what's funny? I went over there. I didn't really notice any worse teeth, you know, than they have over here, depending on where you're at. I don't know. I just like breaking their balls. And plus, I'm going to be coming over there in August. It's looking like so.

I figure I might as well prime the pump by talking shit about them. God knows if I just said how much I enjoy going over there and traveling through Europe. If I said that, that's boring. So what you've got to do to get people to come to shows is you've got to shit on their country. Right? So anyways, so after the end of the last last season,

two teams got kicked out and two new teams got brought in. This little last team called Lester City, right? They're a weird way of spelling it. God brought up and they were a 5,000 to one chance to win the whole fucking thing. 5,000 to one, meaning if you put $1 on them at the beginning of the thing, you would have won $5,000. You get it?

If you put $2 down, all right? You would have got $10,000. If you put 50 cents on those fuckers, you would have got $2,500. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah, shake. Anyways, I'm just trying to say that doesn't make sense to me.

You wouldn't do that. Or would you? Mathematically it does, but in my head, I just keep thinking five times one. I'm seeing a five there. I'll have to do it later, but I think it's got to be $2,500. $5,000? I mean, shit, that's only fair.

All right, so anyways, plowing ahead here. Those motherfuckers won the whole thing. I know there's a lot of people, $5,000 to one, that doesn't seem too crazy. I guess the US Olympic team in 1980 was like 1,000 to one. And I forget what the Mets were in 69. But basically those were the two biggest sports underdogs that anybody could think of in the US,

or at least the person I was talking to. And Lester City was five times that. And that was such a big fucking deal. I actually went on the internet to see reaction videos of fans of that club losing their fucking shit. And I just sat there laughing in a good way, seeing how happy people were. That's always the greatest.

I don't know why that is the greatest, but it's always the greatest when somebody who just like out of fucking nowhere comes along and wins it. You know, it's the whole Rocky story, right? So congratulations to them. But I think as much as that's the greatest sports thing in recent memory, I think in the US, we're going to eclipse that very quickly,

if we haven't already. Because I have to think, what were the fucking odds that Donald Trump was going to secure the Republican National Convention Party, whatever they call them, be the presidential nominee for that fucking party? Do you understand that Ted Cruz, throwing in the towel,

everybody said he elbowed his wife. He didn't. Okay, she was third man in. I tweeted about this. If you look what happened, he hugged her first, right? And then he went in for the manhug. And then she, you know,

according to the NHL rule of third man in, if there's an altercation already happening and a third party enters it, it's an automatic game misconduct. So she should have got a game misconduct, right? If she's done that before in the past, you know, maybe she should get a suspension. I'll tell you what was fucking hilarious.

She hung in there like a trooper. She took a knuckle and a couple of fucking elbows. She looked like she was trying to stop one of those little kitty merry-go-rounds with their head, you know, just kept taking a fucking bar to the skull. He then did include her. I thought it was weird that she wanted to hug with those two men. I don't know much about Ted Cruz,

but I think, I don't know, I felt a weird sort of rotisserie vibe there from his wife that I think already occurred. You know, they were probably hugging saying, all right, we're going to do this. Let's do it now. Okay, I told you I couldn't do it. You know, I'm running for president.

I don't need that ship. And now it's over. I'm just a senator now. So yeah, you know, I'll be on the other end while you're fucking my wife. I'll blow me a little bit. You know, I don't give a shit. You know, just push this bill through.

Isn't that how politics work? I have no idea. Let's get back to what I was talking about. So fucking, what's his name there? Fucking Willie Wiffle there, the fucking guy with the toupee. Comes back and around again, right? Donald Trump.

I just want the American people to know that by giving him that fucking position in politics, you just cleared the way for Hillary Clinton to become president. And I don't want to hear a fucking word out of any of you Republicans. Not a fucking word. This is the guy you picked.

You got no one to blame, but yourselves. The only thing I do like about Donald Trump, Trump actually being nominated is it makes me feel like it makes my conspiracy theory like go down. Like there's no way they don't count the votes if that guy got in. I used to think they just pretended to count the votes and then they just stuck this,

like nobody wants that fucking guy in. I know some of the most staunch Republicans you could possibly fucking run into and they have their head in their hands going, how the fuck did this guy become president? And that's easy. That's easy. All you have to do is look at pop music.

You just look at the shit that sells on TV, bunch of whores screaming and yelling at each other. You know what I mean? It's inevitable. I have to be honest with you, I cannot fucking believe that this guy, he's a fucking star of a reality show. This is worse than when Schwarzenegger ran fucking California.

This is fucking... Oh my god, it's just unbelievable. It's fucking unbelievable. But anyways, congratulations to Leicester City. That must have been insane. That's something that, you know, that's one of those ones you're going to talk about until you're like fucking...

I still talk about the Red Sox coming back in 2004. Out of all the championships, you know, Boston is one of the last 10 years, and I can't say that, 10, 12 years. I mean, we won a bunch of them. That was the one. That was the fucking, you know,

it's the fucking Yankees. They had like 26 championships. We had one in like fucking 86 years, down 0-3. I mean, that was like a fucking... It was like Jimmy Fallon drew Barrymore fucking movie there, right? They actually had to throw that in. They didn't even have that in the fucking script because they were in that movie going,

nah, nah, nah, this is going to seem too unbelievable. And then it fucking happened, and they had to change the ending to the movie. That's incredible. And I'll never forget that fucking cop, that fucking New York City cop. And we were down 0-3, and I was still wearing my Red Sox hat,

walking down the street in New York, and he fucking laughed. He goes, look at this fucking guy. Blah, blah, blah, blah, just laughing. And I remember we won the next game, and the next, next, and every day, I'd walk out of my apartment going right by the same place, looking for that fucker.

And I never saw him again. Like, what was I going to do? Point at my hat, you fucking pig, and then get arrested? I wasn't going to do that. I would have shot him a dirty look, and he would have been like, what the fuck was that about?

Because I never had the balls to talk shit. You know what it was? Because I knew he was right. I agreed with him after game three, when we lost like 19-8 or some shit. So anyways, congratulations. I always love seeing shit like that. When a team like that comes out of fucking nowhere.

So that's awesome. And speaking of sports, believe it or not, with my busy schedule, I've actually, because I live on the West Coast, mercifully, I've been able to watch most of the fucking games.

And with the lovely Nia out of town, I've been just living like a fucking bachelor, like this. You should see how much the Tivo, or whatever the fuck you call it, the record thing, how much it's changed. It was just her show, her show, her show,

her show, her show, my show, her show, her show. She tapes fucking everything. Every motherfucking real housewife fucking thing. She loves those shows. Real housewives of Atlanta, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Real Housewives of fucking Orange County. There's some hip hop love show,

whatever the fuck that one's called. And then she'll, you know, she'll have like fucking, I don't know, Citizen Kane. She's one way or the other. It's either just absolute fucking unbelievable, or just like shit. There's no middle ground with her, right?

And then every once in a while, I'll have a game on there. So now that she's been gone, it's like I'm recording every fucking game, every fucking game. Although I'm missing the fucking capitals and penguins right now. But I've been watching the blues.

I've been watching the sharks. Hey, I'm warming up to the sharks. I like those bearded fuckers. You know what? There's something scummy about them. And I don't know, I relate to it. I also like the pride. I kind of like everybody who's left,

except for the penguins. I don't root against the penguins. I just, every time I see them, it's like you stole our colors. You fucking have pieces of shit in your ring of honor. There's just something about them. You know, I don't hate them. You know, the reason why I don't hate them

is because I love Joe Bartnick and he loves the penguins. So I sort of fucking root for him. But I always just think like, these are the guys with the knee breakers who then whine when people try and take their knees. I don't understand it. They came into the league.

They took our colors. It's just like, it's like rooting for a joke thief. I don't know what they're going to say. Oh, you took them from your fucking Steelers. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. It was fucking hockey. We've been around since the fucking 1920s.

There was no fucking Pittsburgh Steelers in 1929. I'll tell you right now, and I'll give a fuck if there was. It was there. Let me actually check here. 1929 Pittsburgh Steelers. Let's see if they're around. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

Myron Cope's Pittsburgh Steelers official terrible towel. I don't know. Oh, wait a minute. Pittsburgh Steelers. Maybe I'll just go to Wikipedia here. It's funny right now, like 99% of people in Pittsburgh

know the answer to this question already. There's such maniac fans there. I mean that in a respectful way. You know what? I don't give a fuck. God knows they're all going to correct me anyways. I don't need to look this shit up. But anyways,

plowing ahead here. I've been watching all that stuff. I don't think, even though the blues are playing fucking great, I think when Tyler Sagan comes back, we'll see. We'll see what the fuck happens. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say,

Dallas has a little bit of a gold tender issue. It was a bad game. It was a bad game for him. Whatever. You fucking, you plow ahead. You plow ahead. I believe in Jamie Bend though. That guy's got that fucking Messier vibe.

So I would never say that it's over until it is fucking over, but it's looking good for the blues. My foster hockey parents, since my brewing shit the bed towards the end, we didn't shit the bed. We actually had a great fucking year for everybody we got rid of. It's just sucked that we thought we were going to make the playoffs

and we went out west and the whole thing fell apart. But I've talked about that before. Hey Bill, how's your ass? How's the fucking sciatica? Like the candles rock, his fucking Dean says. I'm actually almost a hundred percent. I hope I'm a hundred percent because

I got to get on a plane and I got to fly to Florida. As I used to say as a kid, I'm doing a run of dates out there Hollywood, Florida, Orlando, Florida and Jacksonville, Florida. And I think I'm all right. These fucking stretches of the shit. I actually tweeted a link if you haven't any sort of sciatic nerve thing.

It really helped me. I hope it helps you. And actually the guy who made the video was actually tweeted back to me. He said he actually listens to the podcast or something, which is fucking crazy to me. And I guess the only other thing to tell you about is the is the fucking weight room that I got.

I haven't looked at it yet today, but I finally had them sure up. You know, I told you when we opened up the fucking ceiling, if you saw the goddamn weekend warrior horseshit. You know what kills me is when I think about this house being like almost a hundred years old. I just think of all the people that have walked through here and shit.

You know what I mean? Like American Horror Story. And I just sit there and I picture them and I'm not afraid of them. I'm just sort of trying to picture them and I'm trying to picture what the fucking douchebag who did that work down there in the garage looked like or his friend.

I told you when we opened the fucking ceiling up, I just looked at the contractor and I was just like, what do you, the guy who built this, what do you think he did for a living? You think he was a mailman? Was he a, did he usually fucking stand behind a team of oxen? I don't know what he did, but he sure as hell wasn't a fucking contractor.

So they finally went up there and they, you know, when I was at work, I came home and they had it all fucking framed properly. So now I don't have to worry about it. How fucking funny would that be? Wouldn't be funny for me. It'd be funny for you guys if I finally had a gym built in my garage and I was down there

and above it collapsed and killed me when I was trying to work out. Man, that's the kind of thing that Canadian chick would say would be ironic, right? And then she'd say, don't you think? It's like the ceiling collapsing on you when you're working out. It's getting your period and having no tampon.

That's one of those fucking stupid songs. You remember when she was singing that song going, hey, when she goes down on you in a theater. I remember, I liked the song because I liked the drums and shit. I remember listening to it in a fucking bar and this fucking chick just goes, do you like this song?

Do you even know what it's about? It's like, yeah, I know what it's about. She's not singing about me, you fucking lunatic. Jesus Christ, have a glass of lemonade there. Jesus, don't even get me started with that fucking album. Holy shit. Anyways, what the fuck was I talking about here? Oh, yeah, the gym.

The gym. The gym is on fire. This is hopefully going to be done in the next couple of weeks because, as mentioned, I'm sitting in the fucking writer's room and, oh, Billy boy, I'm maintaining. You know what's funny? I'm actually eating great during the day and then I come home and it all falls apart

because Nia's not here to say, Bill, fucking ease up on the fucking drinking. And, you know, I got those big ice cubes in the refrigerator. I pour a couple of strong ones. I'm feeling good, you know? Next thing you know, I'm fucking sleeping like a goddamn grizzly. Wake up at three in the morning, sweating on the couch and then I go downstairs

and I put on my pajamas. That's basically what happens to me when my wife leaves town. You know, Christ, they fall apart. Hey, who the fuck is... I think I've brought this guy up before, but Ryan Reeves on the blues. Jesus Christ.

I don't believe... They say he's 6'1", 2'30", something. When he's out there, he looks like he's 6'5", 2'60". Guys like to fucking hulk on skates. He looks like an even bigger George LaRocque. I love when he was, like, sort of backing into the boards and he just punches three different fucking stars right in the face. Just sort of face wash.

This guy a little jab for you. He's a fucking... He fucking, you know, shake you around like a rag doll. Then he blows a kiss to the bench. That was shades of John Wensink way back in the day when he challenged the whole North Star's bench. Asked somebody to fucking step over. Jesus, he looked like a fucking lunatic.

You know what I mean? He looks like that guy, like, yeah, he just doesn't, you know... Goes to pick up a child and accidentally kills him. There was a lot of guys that played in the NHL in the 70s. You just looked at them like, you know, Dave Schultz. Fucking looks on their faces sometimes when they went out there. Granted, they had to do what they had to do, but a lot of those guys, you know,

they really should have been in jail. And I hate to say this, but that is what really attracted me to the sport. It was always, it was the fighting first. And for the, for the life of me, I don't understand why people have a problem with it. You know what I mean? I hate when people talk about the purity of sport and the purity of competition and all of that.

It's just like, just shut. I mean, why don't you just fucking look up the chimney and wait for Santa Claus to come down? You know what I mean? Purity and sports, the whole fucking, the whole, at least here on the United States, I mean, the whole fucking thing. It's like that poor bastard who got caught, he's smoking fucking dope.

He's supposed to do that. He's in college, right? And then, you know, he gets a couple hundred bucks. He's playing for a team that's selling like 80,000 to 100,000 tickets a fucking week and he doesn't got two fucking nickels to rub together. And what, what are the odds that he's actually going to make it? Don't even fucking tell me, oh, he gets a free education. He doesn't have time to study.

He's got to study the fucking playbook, right? That's slave labor, man. It's fucking, they're all getting, they're getting fucked over. Like at some point, they really ought to do like the, sort of like the college athlete behind the music. Like, and I'm not talking about the guys that made it, then got fucked over, you know, with people's, you know, relatives stealing their money,

just about all those fucking people that you just, you went to school, you didn't have time to go to class. The team you were playing on was selling out the fucking arena. It actually paid for the, most of the buildings on the campus. And then, you didn't make it. And now go ahead. Now you're driving a fucking, now you're some six foot 10 guy driving a bus, you know,

driving the fucking Avis shuttle. They could have at least, you know, thrown him a little bit of money. Do you understand me? Just as a performer, all I can say is, you know, to go out there and fucking sell a thousand, a hundred thousand seats, I can't imagine how much fucking money that is.

Can't imagine it. And forget about all the fucking merch, all of that shit. They can't kick you. This guy's gonna, they're gonna break this guy's balls over like 500 bucks. I don't, I think it's bullshit, but I'm also, I'm also pretty jaded.

So maybe, maybe, oh, am I gonna do this right now? Am I gonna fucking retract again? Maybe I'm wrong. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Donald Trump's a great, you know, he's a great, it's a great choice out of all the Americans out there that you could have picked.

You know what I mean? Yeah, let's have Donald Trump against Hillary Clinton and fucking Barry Sanders coming up around the outside. What's the fuck's his name? Well, not Larry Sanders, Bernie Sanders. What are you gonna do? This is just gonna be a brutal eight years. Hey, how about Obama fucking killing it?

That's the second time he's done that. He murdered at some other fucking banquet. That time he took the piss out of fucking Donald Trump. And some people are saying that's why Donald ended up running. But I have no idea. Maybe they're just trying to blame him for the fucking nightmare that is Donald Trump. I cannot fucking believe that there wasn't anybody

in the Republican Party that could defeat this guy. My only fucking thing as I watch Hillary go to the White House that I'm gonna enjoy is watching him be a fucking asshole to her. I just hope that he treats her the way he treated all the guys. I want gloves off. I want him bringing up fucking every skeleton they have. That's gonna be the only enjoyment that I'm gonna get out of this because other than that, it's a fucking travesty.

But hey, at least you can't say now that they don't count the votes because there's no fucking way anybody of influence wants that guy. There's no fucking way. This is actually becoming personal, like the level with which I'm fucking talking about this guy. So I guess I gotta trash Hillary. I've trashed her enough. Bernie Sanders, the old man on the lawn.

Right? I don't know. So anyways, I'm gonna do a little bit of advertising here and you guys have a wonderful weekend. You cunts. I'm gonna read a little bit of advertising here and then we're gonna play some fucking music and then play a little bit of some greatest hits from back in the day

on the podcast and, you know, I'm sure there'll be a couple of you bitching about the music. There's always people bitching. What the fuck was he doing music? You like music? Did I don't like? Anyways, all right, I don't have the advertising right now. So this is gonna be a weird thing where now I have to stop

and then it's gonna come back on. So I'm hitting stop right now and by the wonder of technology or whatever, of editing, of garage band, I don't know what. I'll be back in like a second. So there's really no reason to even bring it up. All right. All right, the magic of technology here.

I'm actually watching the end of the capitals Pittsburgh game 224 to go in the third. It's all tied up there. All right. A little bit of advertising here. All right. This is from on it from my good friend Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan swears by this stuff.

Everybody alpha brain instant from on it is a delicious all natural stimulant free drink mix that helps support memory, focus and processing speed. The Boston Medical Center. Now the Boston Center for memory. I need some of this shit so bad. Conducted a double blind study showing its effectiveness. What they should do is have me read this shit now

and then take some and watch me later. It's the secret weapon of pro athletes like Bode Miller and Duncan Keith, but anyone can benefit from the effects of alpha brain instant. Simply mix a stick packet of alpha brain instant into a water bottle and start feeling the effects immediately. It's non GMO gluten free, stimulant free, made of natural ingredients.

And most importantly, it works as a special offer for my listeners. You can try alpha brain instant for free by going to on it.com slash bill. That's O N N I T dot com slash bird to get your free sample of alpha brain instant now. Oh Jesus. Look who's back. Club W everybody.

Club W. Club W. Why don't you vote for Jim? Now you got Don Trump. Love wine. Sure, we all do. We've got the perfect wine club for you. Club W. Let's go to Afghanistan.

BF six month war. Club W is a revolutionary wine club that delivers high quality wine straight to your door. They partner with innovate. They partner with innovative winemakers from all over the world, world, world, world to produce a wide variety of small lot handcrafted wines for their members with Club W. I got nothing to say about Jim.

I'm a fishing on an aquifer. You have the freedom to pick up and choose the types of wines and the number of bottles you receive each month right now. Club W. Looking for weapons to master structure is offering listeners $20 off your first order when you go to Club W. My daughter used to be drunk whores. Now they're married.

Club W dot com slash burn after that it gets even fucking bad. I know you all hate paying for shipping. So Club W will actually pay for your shipping on orders of bottle for bottles or more. So take something off your to do list. Just go to club devia dot com slash bur to get $20 off your first order. Now that's club devia dot com slash bur.

All right. What do we got here? Bowl and branch. Bowl and branch. It sounds like a steakhouse as you set out to improve yourself. There's one simple thing you can do every day to help you be your best in every situation and that's get a good night's sleep.

Don't I know it? Fucking booze bag. Bowl and branch delivers the rest you need wrapped up in their super comfortable luxury linens and they do it right. They're the first betting company to be fair traded certified, which means your sheets come from the work of happy hands, not from sweatshops. That's really interesting.

It's great to see a company do that, huh? And beautiful packaging made entirely from recycled and sustainable materials. Let me listen to my shirt right now. I can hear the fucking child crying that put it together. Okay. You can only get their sheets in one place. That's bold and branch dot com where you know you're paying for

quality and not department store overhead. You're getting $1,000 sheets for just a couple of hundred bucks. Go to bowl and branch. That's B O L L and branch dot com and they'll treat you. They'll let you try them risk fee three for 30 nights. If you don't love them, you can send them back. You have nothing to lose and it gets even better. Go to bowl and branch.com today for 20% off your entire order.

Sheets, towels, blankets and duvet covers, everything plus free shipping and all their products come beautifully packaged in their signature boxes. Go to bowl and branch.com today for 20% off your entire order and use promo code burr bowl and branch.com promo code burr bowl and branch.com promo code burr and lastly, but certainly not leastly, tracker. Oh, pens and fucking caps go to overtime.

All right, tracker. Smart cars, smart phones, smart homes, technology has everything smart, but losing your stuff sucks, man. It makes smart people feel stupid. Tracker makes losing things a thing of the past. Tracker is a coin size device that's put in the base of your brain. Now that's located in this place keys, wallets, bags,

computers, anything in seconds. Just pair tracker to your smartphone, attach it to anything and find its precise location with the tap of a button. It's that easy. Lose your phone? No problem. Press the button on tracker. Bam, there's your phone.

Oh, there it is. Right under my ash. Even when it's on silent, you can still hear it. All right, with over 1.5 million devices, tracker has the largest crowd GPS network in the world. So your lost item shows up on a map even if it's miles away. Never lose anything again with tracker. Listeners to this show, get a special discount of 30% off your

entire order. Go to thetracker.com, T-H-E, tracker.com, and enter the promo code burr. The hardest thing you'll ever have to do is find their website. Go to thetracker.com right now and enter promo code burr for 30% off your entire order. Again, that's the, T-H-E, tracker.com, promo code burr. All right, with that, here's some music and some throwback

podcast stuff there, right? Oh, Jesus. All right, with that, here's some music and some throwback. Hey, what's going on? This is Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast that I'm going to be doing in my dented fucking hybrid because I got a ton of shit to do today. And, ooh, look at me cursing right out of the back.

You know, this is going to be an edgy one. Excuse me, a little pollen in my throat. My car looks like shit. I'm getting it fixed this week. Getting the dent taken out. It's going to cost me 800 bucks, which I've got my insurance company, but all they're going to do is charge me more money, which really makes you wonder why the fuck you have insurance.

Insurance is one of the biggest scams out there. In fact, I remember a long time ago. His buddy of mine was working in insurance. When I first started realizing what a fucking scam it was, I was living in Boston at the time. And he said to me, he goes, Bill, what are the two tallest buildings in Boston? And I was like, ah, the John Hancock building and the

Prudential Center. He goes, exactly. Exactly. You think they're paying out fucking money to people? They're not. You know? We need to go watch that fucking Spike Lee thing on New Orleans.

All right. Jesus Christ, look at me ordering people around. Anyways, I got a lot of questions and advice last week when I was waiting for that plumber to come fix my stinky sink. And a lot of people, first of all, wanted to know if the plumber ever showed up. Well, first let me give you the backstory here for those of

you who didn't listen last week. I'll give you a little bit of last week's episode, like one of those old Batman TV shows from the 60s. Last week, a plumber was supposed to come at 9 a.m. to look at my sink because, for some reason, the water coming out of the spout or the faucet smelled like swamp ass. I don't know why.

It started vaguely smelling like shit. And as the weeks progressed, all of a sudden it was just, it was disgusting. It smelled like literally a swamp. It smelled like an ass that was dipped in a swamp after somebody, all right, let's not get too disgusting. It smelled terrible, right? So this motherfucker was supposed to show up at 9 a.m.

When I started doing my podcast, I believed it was about 10.03, not to get anal. Not trying to get anal here. But yeah, he still hadn't showed up. So basically, you know, I was trashing him. I was trashing other plumbers, the entire art of plumbing I was trashing. So a lot of people asked me because at the end of my

podcast, the guy had not shown up. And long story short, about 20 minutes after my podcast, I had to do something that people do in a bathroom. So I went in there and goddamn, and I did it because I'm a fucking American. Wouldn't you know one, two, three minutes after I finished doing what is my God-given right as a fucking American with a bathroom that I pay to use to fucking knock at the door?

Who is it? I'm a damn plumber. And I'm like, you got to be shitting me. Okay, I didn't let him match. There was no incense. I didn't burn a newspaper or a fucking, you know, didn't let a trash can on fire, you know, like I was gonna sing some doo-wop with three of my other

friends. It was just in there. All natural. And I don't know. I just, you know, I panicked for half a second, and at this moment it's in, like, you know what, I don't give a fuck. So he comes walking in.

After already finding out that, you know, reading this little report that I said, my sink smelled like swamp ass. And he comes walking in there and I'm thinking, maybe, maybe I'll be lucky. Three minutes has gone by. I ate a pretty healthy diet. Maybe the smell left or whatever.

And he walked in and said, he goes, Jesus Christ. He goes, is that the smell coming out of the sink? And the old me would have panicked at that point, but I didn't. I just hit him with straight-up honesty. Hey, listen. I said, listen, man, I gotta be honest with you, you know. You're supposed to be here an hour and a half ago.

I didn't think you were showing up, so I took a dump. And the guy, he goes, all right, no worries. No worries. Dude, you shrugged it off. You know, like somebody on the vice squad, seeing a body. You think smelling a little bit of shit's enough to scare a fucking plumber?

I got news for you, it isn't, because I lived it last week. And anyways, it turned out to be, I had this filter on my sink. I guess some bacteria had built up and yadda, yadda, yadda. What the fuck? It's all good. So the guy did show up. And there was a potentially awkward moment that I defused.

He always got to go with honesty, even when it's a disgusting one. And wow, that was just one big shit joke story, wasn't it? But I actually got a lot of advice. One from a particular plumber. And he was saying, here's some people out there, in case the water coming out of your faucet smells like swamp ass.

Okay, if you have a filter on there, change the goddamn filter, because that might be it. And if not, this plumber says, sometimes it's easy to change the whole faucet when you're dealing with that kind of smell. Stay away from the home depot faucets. The plastic in them eventually cracks and leaks from somewhere. I like Wolverine brass.

But anything with brass internals should be fine. So there you go, huh? You like that? If you're new to my podcast, this is what I do. I tell stories from my life that invariably end up being a big shit joke story. And, you know, people listen to them, and then I get information, I try to pass it on to you.

Then you go, that's from an actual plumber who was also upset that the plumber didn't show up. Because I hate when people do shit like that, right? I know why. It gives him a bad reputation. Evidently, this is one of the good ones. You know, kind of like one of those buy-the-book cops that you see that 20 minutes into the movie

have to turn in their badge, yet they continue to work the case, and then they solve it using extreme force. You know, doing billion dollars worth of damage to the city's fucking skyscape, or whatever the hell you call it. What the hell do you call that? Skyline.

Skyscape. I really am an asshole. So there you go. Yes, evidently, you want to use some brass. And he said something about measuring the spread between the nozzles on the faucet. And that's some shit. I don't remember to say that.

Next time I go into a hardware store, because he said I might get fucked over if I walk in there looking the way I do. Like a squeaky clean comic who takes a dump in a bathroom five minutes before the plumber shows up. It's not my fault. He was late.

All right, here we go. So anyway, if you're new to my podcast, like I said, I give information about upcoming gigs. Don't take a left in front of me. Yeah, yeah, welcome to America. We wait for the other guy. Do we? No, but there is a right-of-way law.

Jesus Christ, let me get through this part here. I'm trying to navigate through traffic here. Yeah, I answer people's semi-questions they might have about anything. From when's your next gig to how do you fix the sync, which I pass on to one of my 15 listeners. I'm up to 15. 15 listeners, one evidently of whom is a plumber.

So if you have any questions, you just email them to me. Please tell people about this podcast so I can get the number up over 20. And that's it. So first off, let me hype what I got coming up. The next episode of Uninformed with Joe DeRosa, my radio show with Joe DeRosa on XM202 is going to be this Saturday night.

Well, I think it's just Saturday, May 24th. I don't have a calendar in front of me. May 24th is going to be on XM202 from 9 p.m. to 12 a.m. We have an anger management therapist coming in. And those of you who listen to our show realize that me and Joe yell at each other a lot. We tend to call each other cunts.

And we're trying to do a little less of that on the show. So whatever, the lady came on. It was a great show. And Joe also recently split with his longtime girlfriend so he had a lot of pain, a lot of tears shed. So anyways, listen to XM202, The Uninformed show, May 24th, 9 p.m. to 12 a.m. with Bill Burr and Joe DeRosa. All right?

There you go. And as far as upcoming gigs go, I'm actually coming back to New York for one day this week. Going to be one of the comics on Jim Norton's stand-up show on HBO. Going to be doing 10 minutes of comedy. And that's going to be showing in airing in September, I believe. So I'm actually this week trying to figure out what 10 minutes I'm going to do. And other than that, I'm going to be at Caroline's Comedy Club

on May 29th through June 1st. Charlie Goodnights, June 5th through the 8th. And June 19th through the 21st, I'll be at the Punchline in Atlanta. All of the dates I have up on my site, except for the ones that I haven't put down yet because I'm disorganized. And there you go. But anyway, back to the podcast here.

I want to thank everybody who came out to see me at Zany's in Chicago. I went to a Cubs game on Thursday and fucking sucked. It's one of the best ballparks there ever was. And it's like the fourth time I'm going to a game out there. And every time I go out there, I'm always out there in April and May because I'm either doing a college or, for some reason, that's when I get booked at Zany's. And I always go out there and it's like fucking 40 degrees out.

And, you know, there's barely any Ivy on the wall. And I feel like I'm at a Bears game. Just freezing my fucking ass off, turning the collar up on my coat like I'm going to commit a crime at a goddamn baseball game. I'm wearing my leather coat with the fur inside, like I'm on Barney Miller at a goddamn baseball game. I really feel bad for you people out there in Chicago. You have such a beautiful city.

That was the school bus. That was the school bus that just went by and almost took my fucking arm off. You know, such a beautiful goddamn city. But that weather, it's just that Lake Michigan, man. It's like there's this giant fan that's just pointed at that city constantly. All right, that one nowhere. Whatever.

I went to a great baseball stadium and it fucking sucked because it was, you know, it really sucked. It was where I was sitting. It was open, what do you call it, Isleway. In the new ballpark, they wait till it's stopped at your play before they let people walk by, which I bitched about in the past because I've never had the seats right behind the Isle. They're fucking horrific.

I've never seen so much food. There's so many food and beer vendors walk by every five fucking seconds. I miss so many goddamn plays because there's cotton candy guy. It's like 40 degrees out. This guy's walking around with this big stick. You know, they do that. They got like that, you know, they don't want you to spill a shopping cart and they got that big long pole going out the top of it.

He's got one of those and on the end of it, he's got all this fucking cotton candy. All right, it's like four feet across, walking around like a fucking hobo, a diabetic hobo, and he keeps walking by, hey, cotton candy. It's like, dude, nobody's buying cotton candy. All right, a fucking four-year-old buys it after he gets off a Ferris wheel. No one buys it at a fucking baseball game, but it's 40 degrees out.

Go get some pretzels or peanuts, some shit that's at your waist. Instead of walking around like we don't see it, it's fucking 2D fruity. We see it. Cotton candy. All right, here we go. Podcast questions. Do you enjoy living in Los Angeles or do you regret moving? Well, as you can obviously hear from the joy of this podcast,

I'm having the time of my life. Actually, no, I don't. I don't regret moving out here. Actually, for the most part, I love living out here up until yesterday where I started to feel the beginning of the summer desert heat and I gotta admit I'm getting a little scared. It's a, like they say, it's definitely a dry heat, but it's a, the only way to describe desert heat is oven-esque.

As if to say, like, you know, you haven't put, like, I don't know, you're cooking something, you get your forearm too close to the oven and you just feel what it feels like to be slowly roasted. That's what it feels like. And I'm also into the environment, so I rarely use my air conditioner. So right now, my Victor Wooten t-shirt is stuck to my back, but I'm gonna plow through this here. So no, I don't regret moving out here.

It has been a great experience, definitely was an adjustment, and I still own a place back in New York, so I have that little Linus blanket in my back pocket. Anytime I don't want to be out here, I'll fucking crush up my hybrid like an old tuna can and I'll recycle it and I'll move back. All right, number two. I know you like conspiracy theories,

so what's your take on John F. Kennedy assassination? Who do you think killed JFK? I watched The Mythbusters show one time, they re-enacted the magic bullet and were actually able to recreate it. Were they? Were they really able to fucking recreate the magic bullet? Yeah, it's kind of easy to do that when you've got a camera crew and fucking editing and all that crap.

What do I think? I think what everybody thinks. I think a lot more people were involved. I don't know, what do I know? I think basically to become president, you got to get in bed with a lot of shady people and if you go into office and you turn your back on them, you're going for a ride in a convertible.

That's what I think. I don't know. Obviously Oswald didn't do it or at least didn't do it by himself or they wouldn't have all that stuff inked out on the top secret papers there. God, that I just sound ignorant. I couldn't even say ignorant. I don't know who the fuck did it, but Jesus Christ, this fucking boss, go ahead, go.

What the hell are they advertising on the back? I'm going to learn how to speak Spanish, man. It's the last fucking thing I do. I swear to God, some of that Spanish TV, the women that are on it are some of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life and they always got those fucking 3-inch stiletto heels on. What I love about Latin women is they dressed an American girl up like that. She looked like she was getting hoared out and then somehow on those telomundo shows,

those girls are dressed like hoars, but somehow they own it. They own it and their vibe is more like, yeah, I know I look good and you'll never get this. It probably also helps that they always have some fat 45-year-old sort of used car looking salesman host standing next to it and he's always giggling the way I'd be giggling when I was standing next to him, except I wouldn't have a jet black mustache. All right, next question. Bill, there are some cornball names for comedy clubs.

Giggles, Bananas, Looney Bin, The Funny Bone. If you owned a comedy club, what would you name it? I don't know, Slap Happies? You know what, I try to give it a dignified name. Winston's, an elegant knight of comedy and hilarious, I don't know what the fuck I would call it. You know what the reality is? There's no good name for a comedy club. I'm trying to think of one. Punchline, Punchline is a good one.

Giggles Stinks, that really takes any sort of credibility away from your act. Like people are going to be putting their hands up like in one of those bad Asian horror movies. Or maybe the porno, not the horo movie. Not the horror movies. I can't even fucking talk. Breathing in this goddamn busses. Gastumes, I think I just invented a new genre of film, Horno. Which is horror and porno.

No, that's a fucking smut film. All right, everything's been done. God damn it, I can't come up with the original idea. All right, completely unrelated question, but I was wondering what your favorite music is. What kind are you listening to? Jesus fucking Christ. That guy almost fucking slammed right under me. Wow, imagine that. I might have died on my podcast, but I had like the energy to hit pound right before I died.

And so actually, you know what, that would suck. And I'd actually finally sell out a fucking club. Jesus Christ, that was so scary. I fucking forgot the question. Here's some of my favorite. What am I listening to right now? I'm actually listening to Jimi Hendrix's Band of Gypsies, specifically that song Machine Gun, which I really like.

Google it. Google it. Or whatever, YouTube it. And watch Jimi play it. Please don't watch John Mayer as he runs through the halls of his high school playing fucking Jimi Hendrix with his Dennis Miller mullet. Jesus Christ, why the fuck am I lashing out at him? You know why?

It's because I'm trying to make a right turn. The wind is blowing through my hybrid and it's blowing my little fucking sheet music that I like to call the podcast questions out of my lap. Wow, I'm going to finish the rest of this podcast in my garage like I'm going to commit suicide. It's one of the great things about the hybrid is it's going to switch over to electricity so I don't have to worry about the fumes, which is actually, I saw somebody do a bit about that. All right. And we hit the power button and it is off.

That's the great thing about a hybrid. You literally shut it off like a fucking radio. All right. We'll wind it down here, people. Stay with me. All right, number six. Are you the same Bill Burr that was in the movie Passionata? If so, what kind of part did you have?

I've never seen the movie, but I saw that a Bill Burr was on the cast list. Yes, that is me. I was in that movie and I had a quick scene. I played a guy at a blackjack table with actually the guy who was in the movie, the patriot, who played the general there, I guess, which was it was really over the top bad version of a, I guess, a red coat and people in England got upset about it because that's not who they are over in England. You know, I think if you've read a history book and you look at the long, wonderful line of diplomacy that has been England's foreign policy, you can understand why they would get upset by the movie The Patriot

and why they're so upset with America and our foreign policy. Because I know if any country out there would be upset by another country going in and invading a country and oppressing its people, it would be England. Because God knows they don't fucking stand for that shit. Yes, this is dripping with sarcasm and this is coming from all the YouTube videos I see where you sit there and you see all these English people who are on that goddamn high horse now because England's like, you know, fourth place around the world. Now they can act like they're like these fucking live aid people.

All right, let me tell you something to my one listener who's from fucking England. If you hate America right now, the reason why you should hate us is because of plagiarism. Because we stole your ideas and it's how we now have our world empire, which will eventually fall. And all right, take it off your fucking high horses, okay? You guys have created more goddamn evil out there and you just passed the baton to us. Now it's our turn to be evil and you guys are fucking fat too, all right? I've seen that show. You are what you eat. Motherfuckers over there having pork chops and fry-ups for breakfast, you know? So go fuck yourselves.

And go fuck yourselves and fuck Man United, goddamn Yankees of soccer. All right, there you go. Wow, it's a little bit of anger there. Okay. Not that I even give a shit, okay? So don't send me some bad message that ends with mate. All right, that's it. I'm now back in my apartment house. You like that? You got to hear me walk up the fucking stairs. You heard the garage door close. You're really getting led into my life here. This is like my own reality show, except it's not on television and there's no advertising money. Other than that, I'm making a fortune. All right, so that's the deal.

All over everything in my CV You still know nothing about me You still know nothing about me You still know nothing about me You told me to read, and I'll put some lies to read I was simple man, there's no big mystery Oh, brother, I am musical Sounds like this, a lonely man like me

Me is love Search my house with a fine tooth comb Pure over everything, cause I won't be home Still up your microscope, tell me what you see But you still know nothing about me You still know nothing about me You still know nothing about me You still know nothing about me

You still know nothing about me You still know nothing about me You still know something about me You still know nothing about me You still know nothing about me You still know nothing about me You still know nothing about me You still know nothing about me