Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-22

Episode Date: May 5, 2022

Bill rambles about playoffs, going to the Senate, and the Netflix taping.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and Just checking in on you What's going on man? How's your week going? I hope it's going F***ing tastic My week's going f***ing great. I just had my last stressful gig of the year All right, now the rest of them I can just f***ing have a good time and Try not to get tackled while I do my shit jokes

I like that people are saying do you say you worried now? Do you think it's good? Are you worried is the comedian that things are gonna happen? It's like no These crazy people only seem to be attacking black comedians in Los Angeles All right Now I am in Los Angeles But I am as white as a bedsheet All right And I'm proud of that and you can't take that away from me or else that's reversed something or rather. I think

It's a double standard Why can't I be proud of my alabaster legs? God knows I pay for it every summer Do look how f***ing white your legs are. I realize that dude your legs could be president Anyway, so last night I Had to host a show for net netflix I hosted this show during the you know

They're having the big netflix comedy festival out here, which has been f***ing amazing all of these comedians that I've been running into It's been such a great time, you know when lunatics aren't you know charging up at the stage Jesus Christ, did they f*** that guy up? I think he has mental issues So there's a part of me aside from the weapon that I actually I saw the sadness in his eyes But Jesus Christ his f***ing arms look like you know You guys ever see toy story what Sid does to his toys, that's what his arms look like it was just I Don't know that kid needs help. I hope he gets help. I hope he does but

Anyways Shout out to the cunts that still brought their cell phones in and still filmed. It's just f***ing ridiculous, man And you just can't do a show without somebody filming it on some level I don't know put your cell phones in the bags and just sit there like adults. Is that so f***ing hot? No, man I gotta film it man. I gotta get likes man. I gotta get some friends on my f***ing account, man But then again, we also don't build anything in this country anymore not true you turn Turn tables headstrong amplifiers Marijuana all right, we do make things in this country. You just got to go out and you got to go find it

You know it's gonna buy one of those you turn turn tables my mother already bought herself a turn table So I don't know what I do. I what to do. I talked shits and I was gonna give them some business so first person that emails me and says they want a You turn turn table Give me the the color and all of that go pick it out. I'll buy it for you. I'll send it to you And then you go play your records and you shut up your face. How about that? Oh, look at Billy Christmas over here Did somebody have his last TV taping of the night of the of the year? And now we can just f***ing

Just go do his shit go out on the road Huh hiding in an edit bay during the day doing my shit jokes at night I mean you wouldn't know by listening to dare I say the music in my voice right now that The Bruins dropped the second game to the Hurricanes got f***ing manhandled again You know, I'll tell you right now. We have all the finesse in the world, but come this time of year We we got to get it. We got to get some more, you know Adam equades the the loot cheats the f***ing all the way out through our history

That is the identity of our hockey team and we listen we listen to the NHL Commissioner Saying that they wanted to get that out of the game and for some reason we listened and nobody else did and now We're getting manhandled in the f***ing playoffs and I gotta tell you There's a guy who can barely skate backwards. I'm getting sick of it Okay, we got some f***ing as far as goal scorers, we got some f***ing pipe hitters out there Marshawn, Pasta, Bergeron, Taylor Hall Charlie, Coyle, we need somebody to f***ing open up the ice man. I I don't you know, I ran to a Canadians fan last night and he was all excited that they they shit the bed and came and last because I guess it's a

decent draft and for half a second I was actually Going like ah f*** the Canadians ain't gonna get good. It's like I don't give a f*** if they get a finesse player We have finesse players. We need a couple guys on the team to keep the other people in line So our guys can go out and do what they do because there is no f***ing reason We should be losing to the Carolina Hurricanes. I mean that is basic. I mean they have basically Yeah, they should play at a mall Carolina is not a f***ing hockey city Well, I guess it's a state right? That's not a hockey state

They like basketball down there. They don't even like the pro game They like the college games. Why? Why do people in North Carolina like college hoops? I'll tell you why because it's at the collegiate level the athletes don't get paid They're predominantly black and it reminds them of how they originally made money out of it They're predominantly black and it reminds them of how they originally made money in that state Hot take. I said it. No, I'm kidding They actually supported the hell out of The Charlotte Hornets and then something happened with the owner he did something

That was so disgusting the entire state just said buddy Why don't you just take your f***ing franchise go on a little walk and go down to that filthy city, New Orleans Okay, there's a reason God put that city underwater. All right, cuz he's got to clean it out every couple years with the hurricane But what is going on with you? I don't know I'm just trying to make jokes here. That's all I love New Orleans You know, if ever I was gonna live in a city and die of a heart attack New Orleans would be the place You know what I mean? Just fry everything once every three weeks There's a shipment of vegetables at the supermarket and if you're not standing in line like you're waiting for fucking Rolling Stone tickets in the

1970s, you're not gonna get any All right, that's basically it and you're just gonna go have a po-boy sandwich or some shit with a delicious beer I will say this about New Orleans if you are a tourist do not go to Bourbon Street That is the Times Square every town has their Times Square Where it's just a bunch of jerk-off tourists puking on each other and some shady Locals pickpocketing people in New Orleans. That is Bourbon Street You got to stay away from that Bourbon Street is for young dumb people that want to take their tits out both male and female Okay, other than that you stay the fuck out of there. You you

Figure something else. I don't know what I tell you but anyways Yeah, so the shallot hornets moved to New Orleans and became the New Orleans hornets and then like this doesn't make any sense Let's call him the pelicans Which I actually like because the second I heard it I said that sounds like a minor league baseball team and I and my cab driver When I was in New Orleans said, you know what? There was actually a Minor league baseball team here at one point named the pelicans. I think that's what he said. I think he said baseball So that made me feel smart, you know as someone who doesn't read Anyway

Yeah, so it's been really hard I'll be there. I'm gonna be honest There's a part of me that loves the Carolina Hurricanes because I miss the Hartford whalers so at least the franchise still exists and I I hope at some point Hartford gets another franchise, but I don't know There's so many fucking hockey teams right there, but it worked in the past You know I Don't know

You can't just wedge one more in there It's fucking great and then that'll be an instant rivalry with the Bruins Because people can drive to each other's stadium. I don't understand what the problem is, but yeah So that's it Celtics are 1-1 both teams a little banged up We didn't have mark as smart and I didn't realize the Bucks were missing a couple of people so We'll see how that goes that series looks like it's going at least six or seven Gee bill you going out on a limb there now that the series is one-to-one. Do you really think it's gonna go six? Yes, I do

and What else and then the Bruins are just getting fucking manhandled, but we are going back Take your way back We're going back to Boston Going back to Miami going back to Boston and Yeah, we're shipping up to Boston and we lost our legs or whatever that fucking song is so hopefully We can we can turn it around this fucking guy parking the car He's like hanging outside the window to make sure he gets between the lines

And that's not his fault either my cars like that once they got these backup cameras you sit so low in the cock pit That you know, you got to start lining up the parking spot like 30 yards out Anyway So I also like Rod Brenda Moore You know, he's sort of the Joe Girardi I feel of of the NHL where if you just look at Rod Brenda Moore's face You were like you were a hockey player you just know well hockey plays usually know because they have all those fucking cuts on their face the scat but

Joe Girardi's just saying that you didn't know anything about sports if you ever met Joe Girardi You'd be like you are a major league catcher It's just what you look like and you know, some people just look like a fireman or look at me Some people just look like a jerk off. He just like I don't know what that guy does, but he's fucking annoying when he does it Just saw that guy get out of his car He's a man of a certain age, you know what I mean? He's sort of keeping himself in shape But you can tell he's got a couple of kids You know, so now he wears a t-shirt and he has sort of an open button down that he throws over kind of like a jacket

But it's really to hide His pooch. Oh wait a minute. I'm looking in a mirror. Oh God, I hate myself. Well, there goes the music in my voice So anyways the Red Sox last night I taped the game we fucking blew another one Jesus Christ our fucking Peluca clothes are coming in. I actually love the guy. I just want him to win I just like how he walks in he makes me feel like I don't need to go to the gym that day I

Just love how out of shape you can be and still be a major league baseball pitcher. It's fucking amazing You know, I love a cc. Sebastia, you know, and you can also be a fat bastard on the field But they stick you at first base that was the rule back in the day You know, which by the way, how much does it suck that they got that they added the DH rule to the National League? You know and baseball fans can complain, but we have no one to blame but ourselves we stopped showing up All right, and they looked at the other three sports the fucking flashy sports the action sports The fast sports and like that's what people like they like action. They want offense When was the last time we really did well when everybody was on steroids and the Yankees had a dynasty

It was probably the steroids Believe it or not, the steroids were actually better for baseball than a Yankee dynasty and a Yankee dynasty I hate to say it as a Red Sox fan is baseball history. I mean, how many how many dynasties they had like a 30-year dynasty and Then they had one in the late 90s, but during that time You know what was great about baseball was you could go to the Milwaukee Brewers at County Stadium You know who fucking gives a shit game You know in them, you know mid-May and

Watch some guy you never even heard of Go up to the plate looking like he was in a Marvel fucking movie and Smash one over that keg of beer with a big titted whore used to slide into Well, she wasn't a whore. She was a dancer Sorry Yeah, I think they need to bring steroids back You know like they should leave like now that we've legalized weed Okay, and I feel like if they're gonna take the right to abortion away

Then we should get something like steroids You know what I mean steroid would be great steroids should be legal For all those, you know soon to be single moms out there from the trucker that banged him or whatever the fuck happened And the guy takes off. She's gonna need to be jacked Because she's gonna be the only one caring for that child. Maybe she can go get some manual labor Of all the fucking things to take away during global warming you're gonna take away abortion Like there's not to we have over seven billion people And you're gonna take away people's right to kill some I mean, what are we doing?

You know what I think I'm gonna go Hollywood and I'm gonna get a hair transplant And when I can grow my hair long enough to put it into a ponytail I'm gonna fill myself in front of the Senate arguing For people still be to be allowed to kill their babies I That is the move when you've done everything you can do in Hollywood the next move is you get involved in politics Now that you've been on a movie set and nobody can tell you what to do because you sell tickets

You know that you know that power gets boring after a while you want to go like what if You know, I'm just running a movie set What if I was running a country and then they get involved in that shit and then you have to go Right, you got to have your long actor hair, right highlighted You know, you know that that it's basically a comb over with a beautiful head of hair, right? It's a comb over and then they cut it straight like Right across where the jugular is then you have your highlights then you pull it back into a ponytail So everybody knows that you're serious now that this is serious you and you put on a suit

You know, but there's still a little bit of flair in there that people know that you know, you're still giving you know You're still building your brand as that guys guy That just lights up the silver screen and then you go in there with your pet project You know save the porpoises or whatever the fuck it is you're trying to do And you affect change you loan your celebrity to the rest of us All right, I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about and I'm sitting in a parking lot waiting to go in to edit the next 10 minutes of the move or six minutes you do six minutes a day is based

And that's actually a decent pace when you're editing a movie and this is how you walk in Every day and you watch the next six minutes of your movie and you're like this is a giant steaming pile of shit I'm never gonna work in this business again And then you start editing and then by the end of the day you're on like this high Because you fix that six minutes. You're like holy fuck. This is gonna be great I think this is gonna be really great and everybody is in room like yeah, man It's gonna be a fucking hit right and you go home and you feel good You know you go home you slap your wife on the ass and you said you realize the fucking genius that you married

You cute so-and-so Right and then she goes, how come you're not asking about my day, right? And then you go to bed and You drive to work and the dread starts coming again because you know you're gonna look at the next six minutes and whatever that fucking euphoria Was the night before is all gonna go away and your knees are gonna be up to your chest and you're gonna be crying in the fetal position And then your editor is gonna coax you off the couch and go come on Come on, let's just take it 10 seconds at a time and that's what I'm about ready to walk into The next horrifying now, it's actually not that bad everybody told me that you know when you look at the original assembly

The assembly of the movie, which is all the footage in chronological order That you're gonna want to kill yourself and I didn't want to kill myself. I didn't want to kill myself until the third day actually felt good the first two days and Then ever since then I've been suicidal every morning Monday through Friday But I've been told by every other director out there that this is the normal process of editing something This is such a weird thing, you know when I get like overly busy like this Like occasion, you know when I'm driving to work and I just see some homeless persons like just their feet hanging out of their tent

I'm actually envious going like you know I Know that person has a lot of stress like how are they gonna get their fucking change? To go get something at Arby's today But right now as we're all sitting in traffic And that person is snoozing on that nice sun baked warm piece of concrete Their feet hanging out, you know, you just look at them, you know grass is always greener I just look at that person thinking, you know, that person doesn't have to take a zoom call today. Do they? They don't have a zoom meeting

They don't have to make some concessions Well, maybe they do First concession they make cuz they don't have a fucking mattress Maybe that's the next thing I'll buy some mattress from helix helix You know I'll buy some mattresses and just go stick them out on the sidewalk That'll piss off everybody in the neighborhood. Why are you helping them out? It was bad enough. They were sleeping there and now they're fucking Oh, come on

That's how long I'll combat them taking away the right to an abortion is I'm just gonna start giving homeless people mattresses So then there'll be a bunch of like little homeless babies out there This is getting dark a bunch of homeless babies out there and people will feel so bad They'd be like, oh my god, this breaks my heart. You should be allowed to kill those things before they're born again Anyway, oh what a wonderful world I see babies be in birth Nobody wants Now that they're born

Everyone walks away and I say to myself Why didn't you flush it down the toilet? Sorry Let's talk about something That isn't depressing because who know who really knows the right answer to that You know what I mean? God That guy hasn't weighed in on a conversation in forever I know there's a bunch of lunatics out there. They're thinking he's listening. They think he's watching

There's a great job right there driving a fucking garbage truck You know just existing in the alleys Pulling into a parking lot and bringing that fucking thing down You don't have to get out of the truck I would love to do that job, you know, you say how much I would love to do that job If I accidentally spilled some trash I would get out of the fucking Truck and I would put it in the trash bin And I would do it. That's how much I would care

You know because you got to make sure you put litter in its place in the ocean All right, let's make sure that the fish who had nothing to do with our consumption of Disposable products You know bear the pain of our sins What do they always say the sins of the father the son bears the sins of his father, right? What about the fish I think we have to update that right I Don't know I Think I'll bring that up when I go in front of the Senate

and Now from I love the 80s strikes back Bill Burs here to discuss what we should be doing in the Ukraine Russian Russia Conflict Anyway, so last night I hosted this show and it was just one beast of a comic after another and It was at the Palladium the Hollywood Palladium, which is where Richard Pryor did live on the Sunset Strip it was such a fucking honor to be there and You know that's the that's the one live on the Sunset Strip where Richard wore I don't know if I said this the last podcast

I can't remember All right guys. I'm just so traumatized by what I just saw with that The noise of that garbage truck backing up that I just need to take I need to take a couple weeks off just to reset I hope you guys can deal with me not being on not being a presence on social media If I see one more douche on fucking social media telling me they need to take a break It's like who doesn't that's like when somebody says yeah, listen, I got to get out of here

It's like we all got to get out of here. I Got to get out of here. What the fuck does that even mean? So what we all got to wait around and fucking shoot you out your cunt You get to get all your shit done so you can get the fuck out of here and not sit in traffic You fucking stay here with the rest of us and we'll all go down together What is it about three four time that you always have to be singing about the ocean, you know Was that one the fucking Fitzgerald That that guy sang song song blue keeping in my window that guy

Something the elephant. I just wish I knew the fucking lyrics, but then you had Billy Joel with That will all go down together actually wasn't about oceans or the water was it they was about a Vietnam vets and maybe had a bunch of Vietnam veterans came out you know You know who loves three fourth time? alcoholics Because they're already swaying it's a great way to hide that you didn't just have two you actually had seven

It's hilarious Everything with a yo-ho will blow the man down One two three Yeah, it's just a fucking I don't know. I think that's the origin of line dancing is three four time White people just interlocked You know rocking their heads back and forth trying to fucking Erase whatever horrible thing they did to another group of people. Sorry anyway, so last night if I get through this

We had an amazing an amazing Stand-up show listen to this. This is this is the lineup. I don't even know if I'm allowed to Save I am they advertised it All right right out of the gate we have Michelle Wolf She's only performed in front of presidents So she went out there and smacked everybody around to get it going then we had Jimmy Carr all the way from London Jesus Christ You know, he's got the baby face

He comes out in the suit and then just does the darkest shit. You're ever gonna hear Then Steph Tolive came out fucking destroyed People killed so hard actually remember the lineup then it was Joe Bartnick Then I want to say bumping mics With David Tell and Jeff Ross and they brought me out in the end and we all got to sit there trashing each other It was so much fucking fun Standing on stage getting trashed by both of them

So look for that and then it was Ian Edwards one of my favorite comedians of all time Dean Del Ray Obviously one of my best friends and then Jessica Kersen, right and Jessica said the funny is not like just something I really relate to we were backstage and she just goes I always get put on last You know, it's like what the fuck how come I always get put and I said I go you're getting punished for being that funny That's how it works when you get to a certain level of funny every time this is showcase They put you on last because no one can follow you and they know that you're gonna fucking go up there and be able to follow Everybody else and I got to tell you something about Jessica Kersen. I Mean ever since I've been going on after her like she is somebody you have to have a game plan

You can't just be a oh Jessica's going on in front of me. All right, cool. Just let me know when she's done You have to like be like all right. I'm opening with this This should keep the momentum and she went up and just absolutely fucking slayed both shows And then Josh Adam Myers, I call my friends were on there Josh Adam Myers Came up with the goddamn comedy jam. They did a great song and then we had a special guest in the end which I don't know if we're allowed to say he came on and Absolutely destroyed another one of my great friends in this business like the whole from start to the end it was just Everybody I love all of my friends and they all fucking killed it and it was just this really really great

I think it's gonna come together it's gonna edit together nicely and It just it really felt like an old-school Comedy show where it was just like when back in the day when they used to do those showcases When I used to watch him when I was first starting out or before as even a comedian They'd have a comic host and he just brought out one fucking Just beast after another and that was the vibe last night So thank you to everybody that came out and thank you to Netflix for asking me to do it

I could not have had a better time and once again, we did it at the Hollywood Palladium Where Richard did Live on the Sunset Strip and it was funny. I was actually going like God I would love to do a special here, but this I can't this is Richard's this is Richard's house But I ended up running to a comedian later on that night Who actually taped a special there? So I was like, all right. Well, then he kind of You know, he kind of broke the seal that it's okay at the very least I have to come back and do a run of dates there I would I

Just had like it had that magic. It's just one of those some of those places you just walk into they just have that vibe You're like, oh my god This is gonna be awesome I just kind of knew it was gonna be great and I was so happy that everybody had a good time and They all went out and killed and whatnot and then tonight tonight I have I'm doing the forum if you can believe it old freckles got a big gig tonight, but this would be fun You know what I mean? I don't have to worry about a TV taping. I Don't have to edit anything. All I can screw is go up there and go off and you know, it's fucking awesome. I

Actually got a couple of drum kits put in there And my drum teacher Dave Eletch is coming down and I haven't taken a drum lesson in a while and I was like, well, I mean when you play an arena You have to you rent it for the whole day. So why don't you come down and give me like an hour hour and a half lesson? Before I have to do my show. So he's all fucking amped up for that It's just gonna be just the two of us Two drum kits facing each other. It's gonna be the fucking shit and I am in a great mood. All right, and that is it. That is the podcast for this week

I got to go edit the next six minutes of this this movie that I know is gonna be awesome and That's it. I want to thank everybody that's coming down to the LA forum. Thank you to Netflix Forget me on that gig last night. Thank you to all the comics that went up and absolutely destroyed it Thank you to everybody that came out. Look at me. Look at me being all nice Showing some gratitude. Now. What kind of a man look at this fucking guy pulling it. What kind of a man? Drives a two-seater convertible

All right, I'm sorry, that's it's a chick car a guy can drive a two-seater, but it has to be a hard top. All right If you get the soft top then everybody's like, all right, we get it. You're taking Viagra Okay, the elevator doesn't go up to the penthouse anymore Fucking with you it is a chick car though I Will tell you the ultimate I think badass fucking female car To me is the Mercedes 450 SL

The one that my wife loves that car the one that Sharon Stone had in casino the white one she just thinks that's a dope-ass car And every time I picture her in that car how great she would look I think about getting it for but I'm like What if she only drives it for a fucking week and then you know You got to like old cars to get an old car cuz it's it's a fucking relationship. They're gonna be leaking all over the place It's it's gonna be it's not gonna be an easy thing. All right. Let me put the fucking windows up here. I Got to I got to go knock this thing out here. All right people. That's the podcast enjoy the interlude here the music I Picked out by the great Andrew Femmless and then we have a bonus half hour of the Thursday afternoon

Just before Friday morning podcast. Have a great weekend you cons. Let's go bro. It's let's go Red Sox. Let's go South Oh Oh Oh I Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday May 5th 2014 Cinco de Mayo everybody

Happy Cinco de Mayo to all Mexican listeners and white people and everybody else who just wants to go out and get shit-faced tonight For whatever reason so you have an excuse tomorrow when you drag and ask Yeah, no, I'm sure not up to your level of productivity that we're used to here at Cogs. Well Cogs And he'd be like well fuck you I went out and I celebrated last night What's the matter? You don't like Mexicans? There you go It's one of the few times a white person can use the race card. Just slam that fucker right down. Are you against Mexico? Well, all right then Kindly remove yourself from my cubicle the area

All right, I got drunk last night for America I Here's one for you last night. I was hanging out with Jason Lawhead, you know, obviously race has been a huge fucking It's been a huge topic of Interest over the last couple of days. I was over Jason Lawhead's Place he's got this apartment building. It's got a really cool rooftop and you know get the CLA get to see the helicopters fucking With their spotlights down on some poor bastard trying to run away I don't know how I feel about police helicopters out here

Or just in general. I mean I'm all for catching the bad guys But it does kind of get to the point of like, you know, how much fucking help do you need here? You guys already have you know, you guys are all on the same team. You'll have uniforms Okay, it's like 900 cop cars to one cop car. You're all on the radio. They just made a right on fucking sunset You need a helicopter to lighten the guy up Jesus Christ How long would Bonnie and Clyde last? In this day and age you couldn't fucking get away with What am I defending right now homicidal maniacs? I guess I am. This is something about like, you know

It's like when you watch a cowboy and Indian movie you got a roof for the underdog you go you go for the Indians I guess the Native Americans. Is that what they call them now? Am I in trouble? Do I have to apologize? Yeah, he always root for the fucking underdogs, so I look at it I ain't what the fuck I'm saying. So anyway, so we're up on this roof and As we walk up on the roof, there's already some people partying up there And they're celebrating Cinco de Mayo mostly Mexican people I think up there playing the music and all that shit blah blah blah Everything's fine. So me and Lawhead and a bunch of white guys we go up there And then we sit down on these other chairs and we start smoking cigars

And then all of a sudden one of the dudes comes walking over He'd been drinking and they had like, you know, these these potted plant bushes and The dudes walking over to an area where there's no exit and then he walks behind the bushes And we're like is he gonna piss over there? So one of the guys that we're with goes He's like, yo, yo, dude, that's not a bathroom man. That's not a bathroom And the guy stayed down there for a minute So then we go back to talk and smoke and our cigars and then I hear him talking to his friends Yo, bro, that's not a bathroom and then I hear oh we got your back. We got your back, right?

God here we go and here we go and So then I'm thinking like maybe he wasn't pissing So that's why he's mad and then he's looking at us going like all those white guys Already didn't like us up here with our music and now he assumes just because I walked behind these bushes That I was taking a fucking piss And maybe I was just looking down over the side of the building to see if my friend was showing up, right? So that's what I'm thinking is playing out of my head. So long story short he's fucking, you know, a couple of mean muggin looks over our way and

And So I'm already thinking in my head how to verbally talk The whole situation down basically doing the exact opposite of what a bouncer does You know where they their security, but they always escalate the situation. Remember that story told a while back Well, I saw two guys almost got into a fight and the bounces fucking break them up And they're okay Hey, you know what's going on here and this guy goes well this guy and he kind of put his hand on the bounces shoulder and the Bouncer goes okay. First of all, don't touch me

And he immediately fucking escalated it now rather than he was coming over to defuse it He was escalating it. So I was sitting there going like all right How the fuck am I gonna fucking? Convaded them honest mistake if this dude wasn't pissing, you know, I mean what the fuck were you supposed to think you're drinking You're stumbling over you walk behind bushes on the roof You know to me that is classic. I'm drunk and I'm gonna piss The first place I can find, you know, no cover. I mean cover I should say nobody can see me is what I should say so Long story short

This black dude comes over who's gay. This is like a fucking reality show, you know What they get while we need is an Asian guy and somebody with a sassy attitude and I think I have a hit show here, you know So he comes over and He's like, yeah, sorry, I don't even know he's gay, but he has like the gay accent Which I guess is homophobic to say but he had an effeminate accent I assumed he was gay not saying he can't get married and someday get divorced and lose half his shit He has the right to do that. He has a right to do everything straight people do even the dumb shit All right, did I cover my tracks? So he comes over

And he goes amen, sorry about blah blah. He goes into apology mode and I go immediately into apology mode I just say hey man, it's honest mistake We thought he was taking a piss. I didn't know blah blah blah blah blah And then in the end when he walks away, my other buddy goes now I could hear a pissant. So I don't know what the fuck happened So then I guess the roof is really fucking thin and You know, they're playing music dancing and shit and then like the owner came up and then a little bit later This security person came up and I'm thinking the whole fucking time these guys these Mexican dudes think that we called those people That these white guys showed up like oh, what are they doing up on our roof?

And that was completely not the case and I was sitting there And of course because I'm a Hollywood phony rather than actually giving into the tension of it I was actually thinking like hey, this would be a really good scene in a script Just a complete misunderstanding And I still I still think it's a comedy. I don't think it's more like Crash I think it's a comedy because they were all young and in shape and we were a bunch of old white guys smoking cigars So that would be a funny fight There would definitely be like, you know

The dual headlock shit going on with the shirt coming up and the ass crack coming out, you know What a real fight looks like it's never pretty, you know By the way, who saw the Mayweather fight anybody I actually didn't see it. I heard it was it was actually a good fight I just have so much faith in Mayweather as a as a fighter that I don't order his fights because He just wins every fucking time and but he never knocks him out. So I just watch him pepper in the guy You know kind of dances around the first couple of rounds. Ah, is that what you're doing? Are you gonna try to do that? Okay? Beep beep boop beep beep Fucking old guy starts yelling

He landed more power shots than the other fucking game I don't know. I think do you think he's gonna get out? He's got three more fights He's three more. I'm actually worried about Mayweather. I can't tell I know he's a smart guy But I can't tell if he understands money or if that's all just a show You know what I mean? anytime you see a guy in a field Where age is a factor like by the time you hit 40 and they have like like fucking an

airport hangar of All white cars, you know what I mean? You just start saying that or like once you buy the tiger What some other dumb shit you have your own water park in your backyard? I mean, you just can't sustain that you literally start living a lifestyle where it's like the only way I can afford this is This is if I'm champion of the boxing world You know eventually you're gonna be 50 And unless you're Bernard Hopkins, I mean you're not you're not gonna be the champ anymore And now you got a tiger next to a water park next to fucking nine white Bentley's and I don't know

You got to get like that you got to get the you got to get the outside the business money You know what I mean? I'm literally drawing a half a circle right now as I'm saying outside the business money Try to think of a good example of it. I would say 50 cent with this fucking vitamin water brilliant That's fucking brilliant. That's like a fucking hooker With who's who fucking takes a hooker money and then fucking buys an apartment building So you can get underneath out from underneath your pimp because that's really kind of what show business is It's funny. You come into this business. You think you're the pimp and then about I don't know For me about 15 years in you're like, oh, wait a minute. I'm the guy walking the block. I

Need to somehow try and make money outside of this business because I can only shake my ass for so long Before another young redhead is gonna be coming along and then I'm finished, right? So I need I need to go buy a whorehouse, which is a fucking comedy club I don't know what I need to do but I got to start making money outside of this business because I'll be fucked if I'm gonna be Some old bald guy in a fucking wrinkled tuxedo on a cruise cruise ship, you know, I'll be sold to that point Not only will I be telling jokes. I'll do be also kind of singing classic songs From the American songbook, you know

You know, what's up with the president? Yeah, we got to get back on budget I think you need to go back to fucking Arkansas people laugh and then I'd be like All right, here we go. There's summer wind Okay, blow it in From across the sea and I do a big thing like shit Like, you know, I got a fucking one of those shit those whores on fucking prices, right a new car And they do that little swing with their hand like as if you can't see the fucking car That's what I would be doing across the sea

You know, we just like there it is. We're out on a boat. You are a fat fuck You know fucking dance with me will go to the casino You don't like about cruise ships. I don't like how they decide when you fucking eat You know, like all of a sudden I joined this guy's Navy. I Did one cruise ship and that's the thing that I hated the most aside from the fact that you couldn't get away from the crowd Hey, good show less that's not your last night. Hey Fuck off It's over

Hey, I liked your shorts yesterday go short your war. How would you like to hear that all fucking day? It's not their fault How do you come up with your material? I? Actually thought about jumping overboard like half the fucking time and I am terrified of the ocean But I thought the water would be cold enough that hypothermia would get me before I'd get eaten by a fucking shark And even then by then I'd be so fucking numb, you know, maybe it wouldn't hurt. I Don't know what am I was I talking about? Oh, we're talking about race talking about racial issues so this week I Gotta try remember what the fuck happened. Oh, okay, the first one that happened literally happened the day I put up the podcast and

You know, it's a fucking pet peeve of mine is on Twitter All right, when some cunt will fucking send me a tweet male or female cunt, okay equal equal opportunity We'll say like Hey, Bill Did you see this thing about Donald Sterling on the Clippers and then they just write thoughts? Like I'm just supposed to just start fucking. Oh, well shit. Let me just take time out of my fucking day you know

Hey, talk about this fucking thing and then when you fucking talk about it. I Talked to you once a week on Monday Okay Fucking Twitter cunts drive me nuts thoughts Hmm thoughts Anyway, sorry, I'm really being a cunt today, but I just I can't help it. It's who I am so anyways Yeah, I love that thought. What could your thought fucking possibly be other than like, yeah, that was horrific I mean, I'm not gonna lie to you. It's not like I don't have a bit on it

But I'm not gonna do it on the podcast But I can't tell you this though. I didn't understand what Mark Cuban was talking about where they were saying what he gave the slippery slope The slippery slope thing there There's always somebody like whenever You're like, you know, hey this guy says he loves Hitler We got to get rid of them and then there's always that well, you know, that's a slippery slope I mean, you know, you start with this guy, you know Where do you draw the line? How about, you know, you draw the line at racist with fucked up mustaches

How about we draw this pretty clear in present line like I don't understand Where the slippery sluts like if you're gonna fire an owner for being overtly racist, what next? You don't like my shirt Ah, fuck I mean, I don't I actually in defense of him I I read The fur oh, I was yeah, this isn't defense. I might just googled it and then I looked it up And I saw the sense kind of retracted it Um And all I have here is that the outspoken billionaire said it was a slippery slope to suggest that sterling should be forced out

His owner over comments made in the privacy of his home Um, yeah, I mean well, that's taken out of context, but I don't know he he said what donald said was wrong It was abhorrent I didn't know what that word means must be bad because whores in there abhorrent There's no place for racism in the nba any business. I'm associated with but at the same time That's a decision that I make I guess he's saying I make a decision not to be racist I think you've got to be very very careful when you start making blanket statements about what people say and think As opposed to what they do

It's a very very slippery slope. So what is what is he saying there? I don't get it. Is he saying that all right? This guy says racist shit Um In his personal life, but during the day his business is made he has 11 employees on his Players on his team and 10 of them are african-americans. So despite what he says on the phone If everybody hired the way this guy did I mean that's a higher than 90 percent African-american shit white people will be out of jobs I don't know what he's saying there. I don't understand where the slippery slope is but um

I don't know. I mean what what are you gonna do the guy said what he fucking said And I understand that it was a private conversation, but he was dumb enough To do it over the phone he he's just And by dumb enough i'm not saying that he should have just said it without being on the phone I know what he said was wrong But the thing is is every fucking move he made is his own fucking fault That's his own fault his own fucking fault that you would say something like that over the fucking phone To a woman who's acting like she's into you who's 50 years younger than you

You're fucking moron. It was unbelievably reckless and uh, i'm glad he did it Because uh I don't know. It's just fucked up. It's just fucking you know, I don't know I don't understand like I would I would understand that guy if that guy lived in the middle of fucking nowhere And he lived around all fucking white people and he was 80 years old. I mean that's a layup I mean shit. He just yeah, that's obviously how he's gonna fucking think this guy was born in 1930 something You know And he was raised by people who were born in like the turn of the fucking century

And had harry truman for a president who was one of the most biggest fucking racists ever Right. Was that his first fucking name? I don't know. Um So anyways, I mean, yeah, what what the fucking thing he's gonna be thought I mean, this guy got raised by racist and then and then he didn't fucking travel, but this guy actually traveled Okay That's that's that's the one that I don't get I don't get when you finally have interaction and you actually have examples And it's a specific person that you now know that you can still think that way um

And then the the fucking phone message is hilarious because he's literally talking to somebody who's half of what Well, she half uh black half, uh, latino and he's literally trashing black people to her And as she's getting offended, he's sitting there going like oh, you're mean Oh, don't you understand how your words hurt me? And Is fucking awful as it was I would love to have that level of money That you're that fucking just so wrapped up in yourself That you don't even realize you're hurting people and you're actually you're you're playing the victim yourself

I don't know. So now it's actually I don't think he's gonna try and sell the team Which is gonna be fascinating as they try and force this guy out But I think they should be able to do it because he's fucking with The whole image of the league You know, I don't know one of the one of a shit like this comes out It always bugs me because then everybody gets to act like holier than now because They didn't get caught saying anything fucked up You know what I mean? I don't know. I think people say fucked up shit

I think everybody says fucked up shit and I think people think fucked up shit And they're just smart enough to not say it out loud and I don't even think that it makes you a racist You just think you just see you can't you can't fucking help it you just fucking You're a product of how you grew up you're part of experience. You know what it is everybody has fear So fear will drive you into thinking the worst of somebody if you're in a fearful situation Like I used to do a bit my act out everybody's racist at night And almost like you have to be so you can get home you have to think the worst of people

So you're not that fucking idiot that just walks into a wood chipper Like yeah, I'll help you start it Fucking go over there and get knocked over the head and thrown in it And then that's the worst and the next day everybody's like, it's awful that it happened, but Jesus. I mean, what was this guy thinking? so, um I don't know, but I got to commend all the clipper players for actually still going out and playing because uh, I don't know that I would have you know

I mean you got to feel like you just got to feel like you're I've worked for some club owners that have been absolute dicks and I still had a couple of fucking shows left And I wanted to like burn down the club and then choke the guy to death and throw him on the fucking ashes Like I felt that and still had to trudge through the show and there was no no racism involved There wasn't this negative thing that affected my life every fucking day and then this guy actually personified it It was just a guy being a dick and I still had to go up there and entertain His fucking the people that were coming there because at that point it wasn't a draw

So they were basically coming to the club And I wanted them to have a bad experience because I wanted this person to go out of business I I can only relate to it at that Half a percent level so I can't imagine what the fuck they were going through But uh, it's gonna I have to tell you on a selfish level. It's gonna be really entertaining to watch this guy fight the fucking nba um And not try and lose his team I mean, Jesus Christ. What a fucking situation

It's just like dude. Just be a fucking man now and just walk away. You're gonna drag down everybody with you one of those guys You know I don't know It's just what he did then causes everybody else to well What about the other owners and all of that type of shit? It's just he fucked up. He fucked up He is fucked up. He got caught a bunch of times. I evidently doing other shit And he never changed his fucking ways his fucking chickens came home to roost

And uh, you know, and what's what's his big penalty? He sells it and has a billion dollars You know Let's go buy a yacht just drive out in the ocean and scream all your racist shit And you know, you can be free out there free to do what you want I don't know did that make any fucking sense You know what it was I had to fucking steer around all the all the funny areas where I'm doing the bit on it Oh, and then also the uh

The boston bruins and the montreal command canadians started another classic Classic playoff series. Uh, the first game went to overtime the fucking canadians won and uh, then uh, they had game two looked like they had it all wrapped up and the bruins came back Came storming back To steal game two. So it's one to one too unbelievable Like I put those games up against any fucking games

In the in the history of that series But unfortunately pk suban scored the goal in overtime in game one and then like a couple years ago when that other uh, african-american player scored an overtime goal on the capitals a portion of the bruins fan base goes on and starts Fucking trending the n-word on uh on twitter And then and then that just opens the shitstorm, you know, it's fucking

Ugly and all that type of stuff and it really ruins It's such a pussy fucking move. You know what I mean? It's such a fucking It's such a pussy fucking. I don't even get it in 2014 to do something like that And uh, almost equally annoying is then when people on twitter Start doing that real classy boston when they send out like that's like this hacky thing to say Way to stay classy Like who started that and why does everybody say that now and you only use class when you're talking about like a sports team now Did that come from ron burgundy stay classy san diego?

I don't know what it is, but I don't understand why people on twitter can't express their views without using like I don't know like twitter language Why why can't you do why can't you just say that, you know, that was fucked up boston You know way to stay classy or is that like that trending thing? I don't know what these fucking kids are doing, but here's the deal For all you holier than thou cunts that tried to make racism a boston thing and i'm not i can't defend boston nor will i it isn't an overtly racist Yet liberal fucking bizarre place

Like i think the reason why it's so democratic is because so many people in boston want to get a fucking state job So they don't have to work I mean that was a lot of my friends I want to get on the dole. I want to lean on a fucking shovel You know get the benefits, dude, you know the fuck There's a lot of that going there yet. It's still just fucking overtly racist But having said that all you people that fucking wrote like boston was the worst fucking city ever

um and also believe that racism is in the south and in boston Become a comedian and travel the road and uh, tell me what you think because That has not been in my experience and i'm not going to fucking be a douche now and name a bunch of towns or countries That i've been to but i gotta tell you that uh, i don't know it's weird. It's on one level where i think We've progressed a long way as far as maybe in the media

Um, it's not as bad and but i sometimes i just think that people just know what not to say now but uh on another level i think uh, you know If the dollar collapsed another hitler could come along and fucking crush it No problem There would there would be enough There would definitely be enough people signing up For that at that point so they could get that chicken noodle soup and get a nice fucking outfit You know and and take out whoever the fuck you're supposed to take out

I basically that's what i have i have after traveling all that i've traveled i have no faith in humanity Ah, that's such a terrible thing to say but it's true. It's awful It's fucking awful and you know what pk's brother actually plays For the minor league broons. I don't know his name. He plays goal And uh, so now this kid has to put on the fucking jersey Of a fan base that not only said it the most offensive word to his race but called his brother that I mean, it's just fucking i just wish you know something I don't want like, uh, big brother or anything like that

The only time i'm pro big brother is i really wish that when you wrote shit like that That all of a sudden like one of those police helicopters would just be circling your fucking house And then you had to go to work the next day hanging your head in shame because it's such a pussy fucking thing to do Um and unfortunate and it takes away from this amazing series The broons versus the canadiens which is gonna go seven games and uh Already there's a bunch of great story lines going on in it and the canadiens have a great fucking team So the broons

I feel like the canadiens are on the way up and we're getting a little bit old yet. We have this young defense I gotta tell you dude. I'm fucking loving dougie hamilton you know Just and because he's young he shoots the puck all the time. I feel and he's coming down offensively and like Um, I don't know whenever you get like an older defenseman. It just seems they never shoot the puck they always do the smart play And uh, you sit there like blowing out your fucking voice box screaming at the tv going shoot the fucking thing

Just shoot it. All right And I know they know the game way more than me But uh, that doesn't stop me from show the fucking thing screaming. You never have to yell at it. Dougie hamilton. It's great He just shoots it crooks the same way Fucking phenomenal. By the way I absolutely loved johnny boy chuck boy chuck johnny boy chuck's celebration

When he fucking blasted that one in from the uh, the blue line the fucking howards are shot And when he put his hands up in the air, I swear to god, he did his own version of the frank the tank Remember frank the tank in old school when he started fucking doing the thing like he was an anti aircraft gun He did his a little slower So I think he was doing more six shooters But that's gotta be the fucking greatest feeling ever in the nhl. You're a defenseman You can skate 90 miles an hour backwards and then you bring it into the offensive zone and you just from the blue line A fucking bomb

Goes right through everybody right into the back of the net. That's got to be the greatest fucking feeling ever so whatever so the first one uh, the next game is going to be in montreal and um Game three is always a fucking crucial one in the seven game series um I think if the bruins win it, we're definitely gonna win the series I would say we'll definitely win the fucking series If we lose that game, it's it's gonna be an uphill battle. I still think we can do it just because we have enough guys who are experienced

um, but I don't know That game's reason motherfucker Uh, oh by the way, look at the black hawks all right, they Now they won six in a row those motherfuckers are gonna win it all again And I think that we can get to the finals and I'm worried that it's going to be the same problem that we ran into last year Which was

They were just too deep They just had too many fucking guys You know patrick kane hosa jonathan taves And then you got their great defense, you know dunk and keith sea rook and all those guys. It's just just too fucking You know, you like you just don't get Time off man. It's a fucking they are still they're still the team to beat and I I think that they can uh

I mean they win it again this year. That's 2010 2000 No, wait, there was a 2010 then we won it an 11. Who won 2012? They won it last year obviously Oh the kings Oh, so that wouldn't be a dynasty because they would they would want three and five years They'll give you three out of four. They'll call it a dynasty back in the day. He had to win three years in a row to be a dynasty um

But either way three and five years would be the shit So I I mean my money's on them to win it all. I just don't see You know barring injury, I just don't see anybody stopping them. I hate to say I mean, I'm obviously my heart my brain tells me that my heart's for the Bruins though But uh, it's been amazing and um, I've been kind of watching a little bit of the NBA playoffs They look like they're fucking great too, but I just I just don't watch the shit You gotta pick one or the other dude, I gotta tell you right now if you're watching All the NHL and all the NBA playoffs you have no fucking life. There's no especially the first round

Jesus christ You're gonna fucking watch 16 playoff series or whatever the hell it is. There's no way you can do it Hey, bill. We're not arguing with you. Fucking relax. Okay, um All right, here we go. Let's uh, let's read a little bit of advertising here. How far into this thing are we feel give and run Oh, Jesus fucking half hour already. All right All right, sherry's berries everybody Here's the theme treat mom to some sherry's berries our good friends at sherry's berries They're back order giant freshly dipped strawberries from sherry's berries starting at 1999

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Celebrating syncho de male. I told you years ago. I asked, uh, what date is syncho de male? And for other people as white as me syncho de male literally means the fifth of may Oh, jeez. All right. E voice you're a business owner But automated phone systems and secretaries are not in your budget just yet and juggling incoming calls yourself makes it Very makes it very hard to look like a professional. Who's kidding? Here's something that will dramatically help you make more money in 2014. What is it? It's e voice everybody Uh, whether you're a business of one or 100 e voice will help you manage all of your incoming calls with a toll-free number Dial by name directory and call routing tools your business will sound like a million bucks

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Let's continue on. Um I did something very un redhead-ish yesterday. I actually went to the beach Um, not because I wanted to my wife wanted to go and uh, I gotta tell you I don't like the beach. All right. It's fucking dirty and it's too hot I'm not built for it You know people just stare at me Like look at it Is it gonna take its shirt off?

Or at least I feel like they are You know I go out there and it's just it's a shit show It's a fucking shit show, but uh, I love my wife. So I took it And she has a great time soaking up the sun. She absolutely loves it And it's just one of those things I have to deal with you know, it's funny We ran up a mall because I had to buy some sunglasses because this fucking dickhead bus boy stole my sunglasses I got this nice pair of sunglasses. I did this acting gig, right?

And in the end they got everybody something got a really nice pair of sunglasses that actually looked really good on my fat fucking head and uh I went into a vegan restaurant everybody Vegan fucking restaurant my favorite vegan restaurant in los angeles Could I sound more pretentious? I'm bitching about sunglasses that I got for free for working In acting in a movie and now I'm going to a vegan restaurant and now I'm gonna bitch because the bus boy stole them And yeah, I am

That's how out of touch. I am If you don't fuck that douche, I was a bus boy and I didn't steal shit I fucking sat him down. I walked out and I The time took me to walk to my car. I said oh fucking I turned back and my table was clear And they had already sat down two other fucking emaciated fucks You know to eat some brown rice and beans And uh, I go I left my sunglasses and they came he came back Hey, yeah, I go the bus boy cleared up the table asked him and he's just like yeah

He said he didn't see him and then I was just like yeah. Oh really so I'm not going to get him back basically Basically saying that he fucking swiped him and then she's just like no like they people have found iPads And they did yeah because it's fucking big The fucking iPad That pisses me off You know something I don't mind losing a pair of sunglasses in a steakhouse You know to use stereotypes you expect somebody to do that, but a fucking vegan restaurant

Isn't it supposed to be all like hey man like namaste? You know happy Tuesday, man. This is the only Tuesday in may is good man, right? That's supposed to be that but I just kept picturing some douche out at a party wearing those fucking glasses You know and I had all these fucking Jason statham fantasies of how I action hero my way in to get my fucking sunglasses back Except I have such a temper even in my fucking fantasies. I still punched him in the face through my glasses and broke him Yeah, you want them Stuck in your fucking head

That pissed me off. So anyway, so Uh, so we go out to the beach And we're out. This is mall in Malibu right And it's just like the trophy wife fucking it's it's unreal It's unreal like they're walking around and your trophy wife You know a trophy wife because she's you know, she's still trying to look hot like well into her fifties She has kids. It's like you did it. You're married

Yeah, you have kids Why are you still trying to look fuckable? Just look like a mom. It's great Comfortable clothes give into it But the thing is is they don't have they don't have like, uh, I think that they know that the second they let it slide You know that that they're going to get traded in or something I don't know what it is. They all looked leased to me you know So anyway, so I went over there and bought a pair of fucking sunglasses

Then I went to the goddamn beach kept my t-shirt on the whole fucking time I just sat there putting on sunblock 50. Oh nea elso said, you know, should we get an umbrella? You want to get an umbrella so like he can like Sit in the shade and I was like no, I don't want it because I don't want to see him even like more of a freak um And then when I got there there was a bunch of people with fucking umbrellas who actually had pigment and I felt like an asshole and uh I don't know

I ended up just walking down along the water. The water was fucking ice cold and uh Even when I get like knee deep in the ocean. I just think like, you know What if there's a fucking shark and just swims by and sees my white calf and it looks like a fucking drumstick Like why would you go in this goddamn thing? I I literally don't fucking understand it on like I guess I do

Because people surf every day like the amount of people that surf the whole life and they never get bit by a shark This is the funny thing they There's not a surfer I've ever met that hasn't seen one I talked to someone in hawaii right and they were going like, uh, I go, dude, don't don't you wait nervous bunch sharks like Well, I mean, you know, you try not to think about it. I go have you ever seen one? And she was just like, well, yeah, I just kind of lie to myself and say it's a porpoise That maybe it's a porpoise like you just see something big swim underneath you and you just

Fucking Don't look at it Like the way you don't look at a psycho on a subway train or whatever I don't know I I really I honestly do not have the fucking balls for that So, um anyways Oh, guess what I rented this week I rented a Chevy spark

um We're finally getting the downstairs fixed after all the water damage You know piss this fucking house is the money pit And uh, so we're getting that shit fixed downstairs. So I have my car my truck in the garage And they got to bring all the shit in through the garage. So I had to you know, I didn't want to leave my truck I'm on the street because I was afraid it was going to get stolen So I uh had to put that in fucking storage And nia's working and shit. So now I had to go rent the car. So they said what do you want?

I said, let me get a mid-sized car whatever fucking sedan Perfect. So I show up down there and they did the classic like griswold move to me Where they bring out the family truckster and they basically like well the Camry or whatever the fuck is still being washed Or Corolla's what it was But this one's already ready and I was late. I had to get the fuck out of there I already hated being there. So I say, yeah, fuck it. I'll take that little fucking car dude. It is the worst hunk of shit

You know, I don't I don't get mad at cars for being what they are If you're a little car and you're a great little car I actually fucking love them like I like, you know VW bugs and that type of shit But this thing is so fucking underpowered just with one person in the car if I put the ac on It is literally screaming at like I swear to god like 4 000 rpms going up like the littlest incline But I got to tell you Haven't watched every episode of fast and loud. That would be a fucking hilarious car

to redo A Chevy spark if you somehow yank that engine out and you could turbocharge a Maybe you could get a six in there and just put a fucking her shifter in there. I bet you could tip that fucking thing over And there would no no way would that car not be one of the most fun cars you would ever drive Because it would be like driving this fucking This turbocharged golf cart That's all I keep thinking about that car

I just keep thinking of the potential of that thing and that is the fucking disease Of watching and the great thing about watching those car shows Is rather than just accepting your car for what it is you start getting fucking ideas like oh, what if I did this? What if I did that? That's why I wanted somebody to paint my file cabinet Which by the way, I never even gave into I finally just looked at it and I just hated the file cabinet so bad I just I gave it away to somebody so it was a complete fucking loss So any of you guys who've been asking me for pictures

About my custom painted file cabinet. I ended up just giving it away and I felt great I felt like a weight was taken off my chest. There was just something about it that was just so fucking depressing to look at Um, I don't want to fucking file cabinet That's one of the worst sounds ever the opening and closing of a fucking file cabinet Have you ever heard that sound and been where you wanted to be? You know It's just an awful sound I remember that sound when I got my license back from drinking and driving

And he opened it and fucking closed it And he as he was handing me the fucking license back this statey Right as I went to grab it. He pulled it back away and he goes, wait, was it was it for 45 days of for 90? And just gave me that last little fucking heart attack um Just to be a dick in a good way to teach me a fucking lesson um I was speaking of that somebody told me on on uh twitter to watch this

thing on uh On netflix on green berets. I don't even know if I rented the right one. There's a couple of them the one that I rented was uh I don't know some 11 weeks of hell or something. Hang on a second. Let me see if I can find this shit Oh, sorry 11 weeks Two weeks, do you know why I said 11 because of the two l's in hell? I swear to god the way my brain works This is the only fucking job I could ever do. So there's a couple. There's one natural degree of geographic special forces Whatever this two weeks in hell

I was watching this thing. They just showed the first couple of fucking days. I can tell you right now. There's no fucking way I could ever be a green beret you lie to yourself Having never been in the military that I could do that. You know, I put my fucking head down. No fucking way Go on netflix and check that out. That's my youtube video of the week except it's on netflix watch Two weeks of hell. I've only watched the first episode Dude, it's just fucking insane The first day you're there. They have a thousand pound log that 12 guys grab And you're just sitting there bending over at the waist as you're holding it like you're gonna do curls

Up down up down up down up down like my lower back Just that would be it I would never walk right again And then they have it on your shoulder and you got to pick it up Over your head and then down and then and they're sitting there going Move the log around your head not your head around the log Number 167. What is your problem? They're fucking going off on them and uh

You do that for like a fucking hour Then they just have you rolling on the ground from one side of the pit to the other and if you're too slow other people roll over you and it's supposed to make you dizzy and disoriented and When you puke you have to get up and run out of the pit There's no puking in the pit, but they know you're gonna puke So you have to run out of the pit and puke if you puke in the pit You have to pick the puke up and put it in your pockets and then get back on the ground to start rolling again and

Even the people who are dropping like flies I got to commend them for even less than an hour of that shit You got to see it All right, if you think you're working out doing your insanity workout Go fuck yourself and watch this thing It's the sick and I now i'm just on the second episode where they're just showing the teamwork Oh my god, dude, they have one thing they they're in your middle of north carolina and they call this thing like the star Where you have these five points that make a star that you have to find using navigation And you can't use your light and you can't go on the roads and you're just walking through the fucking forest

And when you come upon a river Or a pond you have to walk through the fucking thing you can't go on a road and they bust all you can't sleep They bust and they got these guys with these infrared goggles Like rambo hiding and catching all of these guys when they cheat and then you're out of the fucking program um It's just like I don't think I could go more than 18 seconds watching this thing without going I'd quit there. I'd quit there. I would fail that The only thing I thought I'd be halfway decent on is the the obstacle course

because uh I do pull-ups and climb a rope But even then I do pull-ups and climb a rope after eight hours sleep and I had a nice bowl of oatmeal you know My wife gives me a kiss on a cheek and then I go down there And I do is I go in you know, I do as many As I can until it starts to hurt. Ooh, that hurts and then I stop Ah Jesus, I thought I was way closer to being in green beret than I actually am

I thought I was only You know one million miles away from it. I didn't realize I was light years away. So uh anybody listen to this If you ever even attempted to become one if or if you are one or whatever If you have any fucking personal stories that you could send in About attempting that uh, I don't know the level of pain Whatever what it's like to scoop up puke and put it in your fucking pockets. I mean Jesus christ You know what's funny is those you know when you join a frat they go ahead they have hell weak and all that type of shit Like anybody who's a green beret should be an honorary member member of every fraternity

In the country because I know that those fucking What why can't I remember how long it is? I want to say two weeks It is two weeks I keep thinking 11 That right there dude. Look at that. I am already fucked in the head before they actually deprived me of sleep They asked this one guy they go how long you've been in here and he said hash browns And this is the thing he didn't take a headshot. It's not like a football player They just had him pick a log up for a fucking hour

And roll around on the ground and they asked him they asked him something like that Like how you feeling and he said hash browns so I don't know Jesus christ if that doesn't make you want to watch it. I don't know what will all right. Let's get on to the um The questions for the week, uh All right, uh, no bends in israel. Oh Jesus did I make an ass of myself last week? Somebody sent me a letter last week um And the guy said hi, my name is ben and i'm from israel and I said dude

There's no fucking bends in israel like I thought that was more of an american name And I've met a bunch of people from israel and they always have these crazy fucking names most of them begin with a why you know You know like these badass like I know israeli martial arts Musad kind of fucking names, right? I never heard of ben Hey, my name's uh, skippy. That just sounded like a regular fucking name to me So anyways, and I got corrected brutally in this fucking email here bill. You said on your 4 28 14 podcast that no one from israel Is named ben dude their prime minister is named benjamin nitin yahoo

They're fucking president basically Is named benjamin. Well, I probably didn't hear it because they always say his whole name benjamin nitin yahoo You know like you ever think how many sports guys have really fucking awful names But you never notice it until they just say their first name But if you hear the the whole name I can't think of a name But there's a couple of people that just have really fucking awful goddamn names. Let me think I don't know. I'll I'll think of one. I won't think of one I'll walk around and all of a sudden it'll just pop in my head. Maybe I'll bring it up next week

But yeah, all right. So you got me number two solid info bill Except ben is an name of hebu origin It means son of the south or son of the right hand. Hold yourself a press conference I don't know what that means All I know is that's an unbelievably arrogant name to name your kid Son of the right hand. I'm assuming of god Jesus christ way to give the kid a complex the second he comes out of the womb. He's got to live up to that name Why don't you go native american?

You know Like he who sits with the hawks You know, I got to do is hang out with some fucking birds and your dad loves you um Number three, how about ben stiller your blockhead? What about him? I'm gonna google him right now. Why are you acting like that guys? Is he from israel? Oh, Jesus. Am I making another fucking moron? I thought he's from new york

Ben stiller born in brooklyn The fuck I mean, I know i'm german and irish My name is in wolfgang. You know, I have I have bill I guess that's probably an english name. I don't fucking know. You know go for you know something This is what I don't like about this shit is listen. Look at the way this dude calls me out He can't just say hey, you made a fucking honest mistake, right? He goes bill. I know you're gonna get a ton of me emails about this bent thing because you're wrong as fuck Great debating skills

Now do you have a counter argument? Yeah, this guy's wrong as fuck Uh, anyways, he goes bill, but I know you're going to admit you're wrong because that's what you do best You're always ready to admit when you're wrong and that my friend means you're a trustworthy person. Oh area. Look at him now Now that he fucking called me a moron areas. He's bringing me back into this This fucking uh sadistic relationship. I'm sorry, baby. I shouldn't have said those things about you. Come on Let me let me go buy you a burger Anyways, he says a true sign of honesty. Uh, no, sir. It isn't it just because somebody's honest on a podcast Doesn't mean they fucking walk around doing trust. I'm a complete piece of shit, but I appreciate it

um Anyways, read this email after the others and realize I could be a great publicist if you need one I'll be the Benicio del Toro to your Johnny depth like in fear and loathing. I'll be a bit of a mess You know some drugs and I don't know where this guy's going with this shit Um, all right probiotics. Thank you for letting me know sir Benjamin Nitin Yahoo I never noticed his first name was Ben. There's just so many syllables and letters Like that's a name like you know when somebody drives by in a car and they try to yell something at you and you just hear That's like what that guy's name is Benjamin Nitin Yahoo. How the fuck am I supposed to even notice Ben?

And if you get to Benjamin Nitin Yahoo, it's fucking gone Like the Ben part it's like being part of a part of a large family trying to get your story in at the dinner table I was getting who I fucked up. All right. I have to be honest with you like I I forget Obama's first name a lot of the times because I don't pay attention to politics And uh, it's always like obama care. Oh, you know, that's what you get the vote for obama. Are you surprised obama lot? They just keep saying obama obama obama. Nobody ever says his first fucking name I guess they would say Clinton they said bush

I don't know I had to sit there and think what the fuck is this guy's first name. That's how out of it. I am So if I don't even know my president's first name Barack where I gotta think about it How the fuck am I gonna know Benjamin Nitin Yahoo? I can't stand looking at that part of the fucking world. Anyways, that's such a shit show Over there and the way that whole thing was fucking handled To right a wrong with another wrong and then the wrong becomes the the the so-called right become the wrong It's just the whole fucking thing is absolutely ridiculous

They should just take everybody out of there Palestinians and Jews and you just fucking I don't know push the whole thing into the ocean And just why don't you guys go go live in a place where you just Just look at it like oh, I like this street You know rather than tying all that stupid Fucking religious horseshit Into that part of the world. Well, this is where God Jesus used the porta potty

And he said I love everybody, but I love you guys best But whatever the fuck it is Everybody's the chosen one your bunch of fucking babies That's the dumbest shit ever Yeah, I'll probably get a bunch of emails on that, but I really feel that like I swear to God If I was part of either one of those groups, I would just be like, you know what I'm fucking I'm gonna move to Rhode Island I'm gonna get the fuck out of here Fuck this you want it. It's yours. Go ahead

Give us a fuck Sit there dealing with this Hatfield in McCoy's shit for the rest of my goddamn life I want to go I want to go ride a boogie board I want to take a cooking class I don't want to fucking deal with this shit You know, I don't know. It's like I got burned out on that Yankees Red Sox shit after well After a while, you just like yeah, and I did reduce it to that. It's fucking childish There you go

The guy who didn't know that Benjamin was in israeli's name is telling that entire part of the world to grow up After the fan base of the team he loves dropped the n-word this week. How's that? You like that? How's that for you? You get a nice big bully hypocrisy for you We'll get used to it um Oh, by the way last night I came home And I was an absolute fucking saint My wife was sitting down and she was watching that guy there

Who who basically he has all the real housewives? Get on the show and then he just stokes the flames to get them arguing and it was the the neanny leeks group of people And I sat there and didn't say a fucking word And it might have been some of the meanest most horrific shit um

I I've ever heard people say to each other and they all just look tired They just look spent They're these ugly fucking looks on their faces and they were just saying all of this hurtful shit to each other And I didn't say a fucking word. I usually go. How can you watch this shit? You know I thought you were a feminist. How can you watch this shit? This is like depicting women like they can't even get along for five seconds And uh, I didn't say shit last night

and actually Nia came in afterwards and was like I had to shut that off. I actually Had a physical reaction to trying to watch this some of the meanest shit. I've ever heard anybody say to each other And I think I'm done with that show So there's one for the guys out there Just stop complaint. Just sit there in silence If you just sit there in silence and let those women's voices You know

I shouldn't even say those women just say those people because I'm not trying to make it a female thing one of them said To the other one. I mean dude, it was like it was on a roast. It would have got groans This woman's trying to get pregnant Using a sperm donor And this woman was saying like you have to do that because you don't have a man So now some guy who wants ten dollars To go buy a pizza is now going to go jerk off into a cup

And you don't know if you're going to have a serial killer or a child molester For a baby because you don't have a man And then she said something sassy after that like, uh, you know I don't know. I don't I'm not up on sass, you know, put that in your checkbook and fucking cash it or whatever the fuck I don't know what the fuck she said But it was it was just like and you just saw The fucking hurt on the other woman's face like she almost And then another woman who also doesn't like that woman like laughed

And it was fucking It was fucking Brutal it. I mean I mean like fucking comedians that I've hung out with From patrice o'neill rest his soul to keith robinson Those two alone and rich voss Like some of this shit that they said like this like paled in comparison

Jesus fucking christ, it was brutal, but I didn't say a fucking word I don't know. I was in the zone. I didn't say anything. I just sat there And I was looking at a drum magazine and I was occasionally look up and I didn't say a fucking word and then finally Everything that I wanted her to think about the show finally happened I think because I finally shut the fuck up and she could actually listen to it or maybe they truly just went way too far Um She said she was done with that show so now I have this hope that if I just shut the fuck up during all of these

Reality shows where it's a bunch of fucking people men and women just yelling at each other That she'll finally stop watching them and then start watching sports I know that's not going to happen, but I can I can fucking dream, right? I can have a dream All right, you know what my dream is right now is to read these next three ads Without making too many fucking mistakes. Okay. All right dollar shave club everybody Nothing feels better Than that first shave with a fresh blade, right? It's smooth. It's close and the blade is as sharp as it's ever going to be

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Enjoy a nice smooth shave today. All right Legal zoom dot com. Hey, you know, i'm actually on the side here. I'm because I looked up ben stiller He's actually getting much better looking with age You know, unless these are just bad pictures of him when he was younger Oh, jeez. Do I have a crush on him? Oh, jeez. Uh, legal zoom Legal zoom will die legal zoom everybody modern technology is great smartphones iPads and other gadgets make it easy to do so many things

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You don't have to take yogurt to get your probiotics in you can just take an acid dofilis Acid dofilis, I don't know. It's a pill that has billions of cultures of probiotics. It's really fantastic. I take it all the time um What's the side effect? That's what I want to know. I always get nervous with taking pills Like they're you know, they're doing great for my gut, but they're kicking the shit out of my liver All right, just for the fun of it. Let's look let's look at let's do a little conspiracy research here

All right Ace acid Come on bill. You can do it. The word is right in front of you acid ofilis Side effects. Let's see what comes up Do do do do do do You know more of griffin gets paid every time they play that fucking song or his dead body does um This part it contains the bacteria yuppie yuppie tappa, which is naturally fine in the stomach

Do some conditions such as an antibiotic use can cause problems with the normal balance of bacteria Resulting in diarrhea. This product can help restore the normal balance The product has been used for vaginal urinary tract infections. Some diet supplement products have been forced to contain Wait a minute some diet Supplement products have been forced to contain possibly harmful Impurities additives check with your pharmacist for more details regarding the particular brand you use Also, it's pretty much straight up. You just got to make sure you don't get a bad one The FDA has not reviewed this product for safety or effectiveness

Consult your pharmacist for more details. Well, there you go, sir Wait, when was this written? May 5th, 2014 Now this is the thing Is this some other company just putting this out because they have another pill so that they're just writing bad shit Like the people who made jeep said the Suzuki samurai tipped over when it didn't because they wanted to sell more jeeps How do you know who to believe? I'm at medicine.net

That's pretty fucking I don't know. I don't know. That just seems does that seem like that's Doctor.com. I don't know. That sounds kind of fucking generic. I don't know whatever All right, so he's saying it's fantastic What do I know? What does he know? What does anybody know? I don't know. I'm gonna keep fucking reading number two uh kefir or kefir k e f i r is like normal yogurt But has many more strains of good bacteria in it like those pills you were looking at

I drink it in the morning in the morning to respect my stomach after a night of boozing It's at all the grocery stores All right, well fuck it I'll try that see how I feel Thank you for the information Somebody was also saying that that stony brook yogurt Is all natural stony field stony field yogurt. I just got to find out where to get it Because i'm trying to get in shape for my my damn special coming up. Also by the way tickets going on sale for my special

We'll be in the next week. I'll have more information Sorry, I have an asian band Doesn't that sound like an asian karate movie? To first learn the way you must walk the way Um, all right, I get it. Don't you know i'm not gonna fucking pick it up after this Fucking 15 rings. All right. Thanks for no music. That's funny. Thanks for no music and then there was some music right there Thanks for no music billy boy. I'm so fucking glad that your podcast doesn't start with music now that I said that the next one probably will I don't enjoy it when podcasts try to go pro and slick it all up to look real or rigid

Fuck that. Just shut up and talk. I say. All right. Well, I'm not doing that because I'm trying to be a purist I Got into this business because I didn't want to have a job So I don't edit these I just sit down. I talk for the most part. I don't have guests Although I did a special one uh last week I did an extra one with uh A director steven brill of the movie walk of shame that I have uh jesus Now that you have passed the first test it is now time to start your log training

Sorry that just sounds like the music in every fucking awesome karate movie that you watch That makes you want to get in shape and start punching wood then you realize it hurts so you quit um, all right Oh, yeah, so I had steven brill come in and he was talking about the movie I got to do last year with uh, ethans who play and uh, elizabeth banks um And it uh came out and uh people said a bunch of nice stuff I guess they liked the work that I did it. They said I was funny. Thank god and I appreciate that

So, uh, if you get a chance you got some money to spend uh, check out walk of shame And if you don't want to go To the movies because you have a great your own entertainment system you can actually download it off itunes Immediately it's the new way they're going to do movies, which I think is brilliant Makes me want to upgrade my system at home It's fucking perfect Download it's like six bucks or something like that cost you less money. You don't have to go anywhere Pop it in

Support the podcast my career and the friends I worked with Come on do me a solid Let's sink with the mayo everybody watch walk of shame All right, here's the next one balding at 19 dear bill emoji I don't know what that means Did I say it right? Ah, you guys just just tripped me up right and left this week. First. I'd like to apologize for my english

Dude, your fucking english is amazing already I know I can't say first. I'd like to apologize for my french And I've been working on this shit for over a month in spanish. I can't even I suck at it You'll tango paro Pero I say it right. Ah, fucking. I stink first. I'd like to apologize Uh for my english since it's not my native language I hope this won't give you difficulties reading out loud because that would really make the podcast lose its momentum You being sarcastic this happens every week

Um, anyway, I am a 19 year old male and I'm balding for a long time I hadn't noticed because I had longer hair when I recently got my haircut I discovered my hair had started thinning a long time ago How the fuck do I deal with this girls will often call me attractive? But I know I am not attractive in a very masculine way. So buzzing it Would hardly make me feel like a badass. I probably have a dick shaped skull hiding under my thinning mane Anyways, oh anyways, so that would make me look extra ridiculous besides that I feel like I'm at an age where my hair is still a big part of my identity and losing it feels like

And losing it feels like losing it away Oh feels like losing a way to express myself in some way losing hair at a young age like this feels like a one-way ticket to mediocrity Always being one step behind the rest for the rest of my life What's your advice on this since you don't exactly have your axel rose mane anymore either? Thanks for the podcast. I loved your show in amsterdam. Oh, well, thanks for coming out I'd love to go into amsterdam. It was a privilege to come to your country and do my little fucking dance um, all right Your fucking feelings are natural

Especially at 19 when I first figured out. I was losing my hair in my early 30s. I freaked the fuck out I couldn't believe it Like how could this happen to me? I was like nancy karagin. I just sat down. We're going why? why And then uh, as I always do I just fucking go, all right This is the situation I can either sit here and act like a fucking bitch Or I cannot try to find the positive and I was just like I I I always this is what I always try to do

I just look for people who are in my situation or worse that succeeded and that's who I think about I immediately just looked at fucking guys like ed harris Woody harrelson. I'm like, they're still leads in movies and still crushing it and getting nominated for so, you know If I want to let it stop me It will um Who gives a fuck? Uh, well, you got a whole bunch of options now You know, you can either try and fight it

Or you can just say fuck it like I did um You know, I just find just given into I just find uh given into it is way fucking easier It's just easier to say. All right. Well, I guess I'm gonna be that guy. I'll be the friend in the movie I won't be the lead. So who gives a fuck? You know, you're still in the movie I know you don't do that for a fucking limit. Okay. First of all, I would say about as far as like buzzing your head Like you have no idea what your head looks like until you do it

And you might as well fucking do it It's a fucking it's great having a shaved head um I would fucking just see what it looks like and maybe it looks cool And then here's the deal if you if you bald young, this is how you catch up is if you keep if you stay in shape Because most people Um, I it's an absolute shit show by the time that 35 Me balding at 19. Yeah, that's gonna fucking suck. But this is the thing like women really respect confidence

and If you carry yourself and you just make jokes About your fucking hairline you have a sense of humor about it Like there's something about it that I don't know women really respond to that I mean other guys will still break your balls or whatever But like they just fucking respond to it Because it's a great character trait that you're you're you have a sense of humor about it You're you're dealing with you know some form of adversity. You're not being a pussy and letting it drag you down

Like oh my god This is making me start to think that it's actually serious. I never get phone calls If I have a host a late night fucking I can read your mind Show this is gonna be the music I look all mysterious and I'll have like eyeliner Um Yeah, your whole thing like I feel like it's a one-way ticket to mediocrity Uh, the one-way ticket to mediocrity is believing that you're on the road to a one-way ticket to mediocrity um

You know fortunately, uh women are way more forgiving of physical flaws than guys are Um, so dude you're 19 years old, uh, just stay in shape And go out there and crush it talk shit Fucking hit on women that are allegedly way out of your league Just swing for the fucking fences And do the same thing with as far as whatever dream you have as far as your dream job Just absolutely swing out of your fucking shoes every time you get in it bad And you know honestly dude if your fucking hairline's gonna stop you. I mean jesus christ

Okay, you're better than that You're better than that come on man. You're over there in europe You probably can speak more than one language. There's no fucking reason Hairline or no hairline that you shouldn't be out there just fucking crushing it And if you don't you have no one to blame but yourself and i'm not being hard on you I'm just letting you know that you have all the power you hold your fucking destiny in your hand. All right And there you go and here's the upside you're only 19 by the time you're fucking 30 god knows what they'll have if you want to Have it come back

You know, that's what i'm doing i'm holding out by the time i'm like fucking 60 they're gonna have the cure but by then who gives a fuck i'm 60 And then i think it'll actually be cool It's like it's like having a civil war fucking Facial hair except you're not a you're not a fucking hipster. You actually fought in a civil war. I'll be that bald guy I'll be the last one Um Yeah, I recently just buzzed my head down. I I grew it back out

I buzzed it initially and then I got an acting work and they wanted me to grow it out a little bit And then for the next couple years I kept it and um Yeah, so you're losing. Hey, just like what is the fucking point of this shit Keep going to get a haircut and paying for a full fucking haircut. This is bullshit. These people are dogging There's not enough up there. So You just buzz it down and it's just I don't know I like it I I especially in the business I am I am 100 of the view of the viewpoint

Of not thinking what do they want more coming what this is what I look like And I get it if you don't want to cast me You know, how am I gonna and I'm never gonna know it's because of my hairline I'm never gonna call me up. Oh, just to let you know. I'm just gonna think I didn't get the fucking part But you know You just keep looking how you fucking look and either they hire you don't fuck them But at the end of the day the word they say I never get another acting job because of that Then all I do is tell jokes

In theaters for the rest of my fucking life. I mean I won So fuck it and how did I win sir because I went after my dream my dream job too So that's what the fuck you should do and as you get older. I'm telling you the big thing Is not going to be your hair. It's going to be that you don't have mantits you don't have like Your body doesn't look like The aftermath of a fucking mudslide That is something that they're

You know, you need it literally I don't know. I don't know how you make a comeback from that. It gets to the point where it's so fucking stretched out Ah, jeez, and I'll make it fat people feel bad. I mean they have operations for that which look better than hair plugs I'm just saying Whatever do just fucking don't come at me with that negative shit That made me sad to read that that you feel that shit about yourself. All right fucking You know Go have some probiotics and do some push-ups. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. All right. There you go. All right my new lady

My new lady. Hey bill burr. I have a major problem. My new lady of about three months has opened a can of worms on me We're both in our mid 30s never been married and have no kids Um, you know, I don't know why that just reminded me of a joke in my act that I wanted to do That I had to do with watching women doing floor exercises at the gym to write this down floor exercises And there you go. I'm done writing the joke. That's how I write people I'll write that and I'll write it on a cocktail napkin and I'll look down and it will say floor exercises

And then I'll tell the story and then it'll probably bomb But there'll be a couple rays of light that I will walk towards And that's how it works. You like that that was inside the comedy studio. I'm sorry. I gotta stop smoking cigars I got two more left two more cubans from overseas and then I am done I'm done. I can't let them go to waste so I'm gonna finish them and it's fucking done And I'm not gonna smoke for a long time I've made the decision this morning when I woke up and my fucking mouth tastes like an ashtray And I also found when you have a bunch of Cuban cigars and you just start smoking them all the time

You don't they don't taste as good anymore. They just taste like a cigar So it's like having steak every night so I need to fuck off with that because it's a really bad habit all right Having said that I just bought a humidor yesterday. Oh Jesus bill If I can pick a side of the fence. All right, my new lady Um, all right, we're both in our mid 30s and never been married and have no kids

She's bright sexy funny and quite wealthy. I love her She comes from an irish american descent And her first name is i'm not gonna say what her first name is uh, no problem. So as far Okay, no problem so far you say true. However two weeks ago, we were enjoying each other's company Having sex over there and my new lady whispered Oh No Oh my god

Oh Jesus All right, you guys at work right now You guys at work turn this up a little bit because you're not going to want to miss this. Okay Turn around look around your cubicle make sure the boss isn't coming Turn your open for business sign to close All right, I usually don't name names now. I got to name the name. Okay. Her name is Bernadette Okay, and I'm only saying that because this is pivotal She goes however two weeks ago. We were enjoying each other's company

And my new lady whispered basically during sex that burr b e r Short for Bernadette Would like it up the ass That's what she said burr would like it up the ass. Oh wait, did you think of me then? Oh, no That's hilarious Oh, shit. He goes delighted with the opportunity. I assumed the position and an awful thought suddenly struck me Burr is pronounced the same It's your burr and my problems began. Oh, no

You didn't have a performance problem. Did you he goes? I can only picture your reddit and freckles face looking over a shoulder At me. I tried mushing your face into the pillow, but I'm in my mind all I could hear Your muffled Bostonian twang shouting go fuck yourself. This is killing me now and it's stuck in my head Every time we get friendly or anytime I call I call her burr Your face pops in my mind. I'm going crazy. What can can you suggest should I just dump her? Go fuck yourself. Oh God

You ruined my name for me What do you do first of all stop listening to my comedy and my podcast immediately cold turkey And then second of all, I guess you got to fucking decide I this is what I would say to I'd say listen you got to stop referring to yourself Is that name? I would just be honest be like listen. I got to tell you something. All right You know when you said burr would like it up the ass

You just got to tell what the fucking story Oh my god, that's the creepiest fucking email I've ever read Jesus Christ, dude, I really feel bad for you, but it's also fucking funny as hell. I'm sorry. I'm ruining your sex life Um, yeah, man, you got to stop listening to the podcast I don't know what that would do. Oh my god. Do you know what that reminded me of one time? Uh You have a data you have a Data or go out with a girl that has the same first name as your mother I mean and it doesn't you the first thing when you're young you go

Oh, she has the same name as my mom. Maybe this is meant to be, you know, I love my mother Maybe I'll love this woman. Maybe she's the one and then the first time you're having sex And you go to say their name. It's just like It's just it it's over. It's fucking over So, uh I don't know what to tell you, dude Jesus christ if I knew I don't read these things before I fucking Look at these things if I knew that one was coming. I would have closed on that one. I don't know how to

How do you follow that one? You know what? I'll tell you how you follow it with an email transgender athletes Uh, hey, billy beer belly. Oh, I fucking hate how fucking true that is. I'm a lady listener on your podcast Oh, thank god a woman wrote in Jesus. I wish you guys would do that more often try to balance this out He goes, I'm a lady listener of your podcast and think your opinions are often really honest and truthful Why do I sense an a fucking uppercut coming? So I was hoping Hoping you could give your opinion on something. All right. She said I just started getting Really interested in trans rights

Transgender athletes rights, okay, and have become a major advocate for the lovely people that end up having to fight such a difficult uphill battle Um, I am definitely convinced that trans people. Why does she what does she have like a fucking asterisk next to it? Trans people really should be allowed to be the gender they identify with Identify as without discrimination, but the issue is still hard for me to grasp Is that of trans athletes competing in professional sports? It seemed like it could be unfortunate It seems like it could unfortunately be an unfair advantage for the trans woman

Meaning they were born with male genitalia, but identify as a woman because of their extra testosterone and bigger build I am really conflicted on the issue and wonder what you think. Yeah, I definitely Yeah, there was A while ago there was a dude who wanted to be a woman Became a woman and he was a professional tennis player and he just started crushing it on the female like Whatever he was ranked as a guy. He was ranked way higher and uh, yeah, I don't think that that's fair um But there's not enough of them to start their own league

So I don't know what you do. Maybe they should start their own. Um Why don't they start their own like nfl or something transgender nfl Is that bad I don't understand like the women started the wnba. Why don't they start a trend that's that maybe that's the solution You got the I have a dick and always had one and want to continue having one and then you have the I have a vag I'm happy with it. You have both those leagues and then you could have another league You know, I'm a seeker That'd be a good name for a team right the fucking Omaha seekers

Why not And I think the biggest problem with the league was figuring out when to air it so you could get some tv time Now then you just have the fucking transgendered Oprah You don't start his her own fucking network I mean, it's just it's just fucking sitting there. I think the big problem that a lot of people make is they try to go Uh, when you're doing something that different is you try to You're so hooked on the mainstream

Like I want to be accepted the way somebody who isn't transgender is accepted like Walking around that should be the deal. But like there's actually something to be said for being uh You know to not be in mainstream I mean, there's a bunch of bands that aren't mainstream that have this underground following that make a really good living I mean I'm making a great living as a comedian. I don't have a fucking tv show never had one You know, so I guess Why you know, you could you could start you start your own shit and then if you start your own shit, you own it like Dana white

I don't know. That's how I always look at shit. I I never look at it like hey, let's join the thing that already exists It already exists. So shit is set in stone The fuckovers are already in there And the people getting paid. I mean, you gotta you know, you gotta spill some blood now to try to fucking change it Or you could just start your own shit Right like the afl Who knows one day you get so successful. They try to buy you out. I don't know

anyways What am I going here? Uh m a m mma fighter Fallon fox is an example of a trans woman who is trying to compete professionally If you want a reference Oh, yeah, yes, you know, that's the kind of thing. I mean that That is like an unfair advantage I mean, you know, you're removing All right, the dude's dick

But not his shoulders That is kind of fucked up then because then it's like a dickless dude is beating the shit out of a woman That's good, but it's not like a domestic violence. It's a fight I Don't know and I and I would say every woman in the mm in mm a I can say this with confidence could kick my ass with ease Um, so maybe it isn't I don't fucking know I don't know whatever. It's you know what it is. It's brand new. So we gotta fucking throw them in the mix and see how it all settles

There you go. I kind of copped out on that one. I don't have any fucking solutions Sometimes I think you guys asked me this shit just to fucking watch me talk myself into a goddamn corner. So there you go There's an hour and 31 fucking minute podcast. I don't know how that happened But somewhere in there I tried to solve the problems in Israel and transgender sports and uh And then that was that other email Jesus, all right, that's the end of this podcast everybody. Uh, if you'd like to contribute to the podcast you can always go To billbird.com and you can click on the podcast page

And if you want to buy something on amazon click on the amazon banner, it'll take you right there Buy something on amazon and they'll kick me a link for uh driving traffic to this site. Uh, that is it I'm going to be in san diego this weekend. We just added this date as I'm getting ready for my, uh, stand-up special I will give you the city Um, because it looks like it might have changed it might not have changed I don't know shit is kind of up in the air, but the The first couple of weeks of june it's going down and we might I might have ticket information by the end of this, uh This uh this week so look for it on twitter and on facebook. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourself

I'll talk to you next week. Bye. Bye In this one You You