Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-6-21

Episode Date: May 6, 2021

Bill rambles about not watching the news, doing spots, and Hallmark cards.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast Just check it in on you. I'm just checking in to see how your week's going. I hope it's going great I hope you're getting out there You're doing your thing I Don't know what's going on in the world, and you know what it feels fucking great. I was just sitting here thinking like Jesus Christ Oh freckles got a half hour to figure it fill up. I really didn't do shit this week. I'm studying for this instrument fucking rating I got my flash

It's like 70 pages of information plus links to more information and the dreaded fair aim book and all of this fucking shit and I'm just walking it down Walking it down. I got the first 10 pages down. I'm just fucking walking it down. There's all these fucking acronyms in all of this fucking shit and I'm just trying to get into The fun of actually learning all of those stuff, you know, you know

So Anyway, I was thinking like well, I haven't really done anything. I haven't played drums. I haven't done fucking shit I haven't even gone for a drive. I just been studying this shit and getting on my little home simulata And I Was thinking like well, maybe I could just talk about something that's in the news and I realized that I have no Fucking idea What's going on in the news, you know, and when I was growing up? I was always told you should watch the news

You should know what's going on out there She know what's going on out there What they left out is the fact that you feel hopeless to change any of it and it's gonna be all bad news You can't fucking change it and it's gonna leave you with this depressing like helpless feeling So what is the fucking point? Oh Jesus, Bill, you're gonna go this dark this early. I'm sorry, you know, what do you want for me? So I just sort of tapped out, you know I'm trying to live this nice little simple life. I studied for my little test

You know drop my kid off at school. I pick her up We go to the park or we go to the driveway. We ride our bikes. We play these games and That's it. That's it. That's all I do. She was actually at the park and She went over to the you know the little playground area She had a little mask on it shit, you know This boy came up to it said hey you you want to be my friend

She just goes yeah, and then they just started playing it was the cutest thing ever and finally the little boys little sister came over and The boy goes this is my new friend and Then my daughter blurted out my name is so-and-so I'm a I'm a big kid and I have a baby named and she named she met a baby brother named so-and-so The kid goes how old are you and she goes I'm four and the kid goes I'm five and my daughter goes Can you drive a car? I? Guess in her head when she turns five she's gonna be big enough to drive a car and

I Think it's because she's been gradually just working her way up The vehicle thing at such a rapid pace, you know she had a tricycle she had a big wheel And she had a balance bike Now she has a bicycle And I think like you know she had a scooter too, you know once she got onto the bicycle Like she still messes with the scooter because you know the scooters you can get sort of the same speed But like just the level of freedom and how awesome a bicycle is to a little kid

It's my favorite thing in the world to watch you're going to the garage and It's all her now. She just goes up and a little foot. She puts up the kickstand. She gets on it she pushes off and she rides away and I Don't know. I also like listening to her talk to her just how what her identity was that she was a big kid She's a big sister, you know And When in a year from now when she turns five she's gonna drive a car. I thought that was pretty I said, you know

She feels she's feeling pretty good about herself So you get to feel that feeling then it's like why would I fuck that up and then sit down and turn on the news? You know I'm content to be ignorant. I think that that's what it is I'm content. Oh, you know what? I did see some news some big news that I'm actually gonna look up now is Aaron Rogers Allegedly said that he is done in Green Bay Which

I Can't believe That it got to that place Sucks when that happens So Let me see what we got here Aaron Rogers Packers standoff what's behind it how they make amends For Aaron Rogers and a new breed of superstar a dream job is no longer enough. Oh

Oh Jesus Washington Post going in Packers have begun looking at other quarterbacks with the Aaron Rogers situation I Yeah, man, I mean that's a fucking That's an insane insane situation how it ends up getting to that, you know that fucking person saying for a new breed of Superstar I know what they're saying. I'll buy that and like the NBA and stuff like that But if you're gonna go out there and do What a pro football player does Which is essentially take years off of their life

I Think you have to go for it on fourth down Man, I think that's a simple ask isn't it there must be just like a level of dysfunction. I Mean, how can they not be I don't even get how that fucking team works. It's like the fans own the team When I look at the Green Bay Packers, it reminds me of when I went to Finland and They tried to tell me that they had no rich people in their country And I said, oh really they said yeah, this is a socialist thing we all do you know blah blah blah blah and I said all right And by the way for all you fucking people over here who've allowed that word socialist to like be demonized like

I don't know what people think. I don't know what people even think that that means anymore. I mean, it's a beautiful country beautiful people the whole thing was working and doing all of that but like They said there was no rich people in the country and I was just like well, do you have banks get bankers? They like yeah, and then I just laughed at them It's like Somebody is going to cheat Somebody is always gonna fucking do that. Somebody's always gonna try to fucking cut the corners, but um I don't know, you know, it'd be great. What if I actually just looked up socialism finally found out what that word meant beyond this whole fucking

Let me see here The whole I don't know what what we've turned it into I Think so socialism in in my country if you're not in my country what it's it starts what it means now is I think if you want something for your tax dollar and you want to call out corporations in a certain way They just brand you Like if you say, you know, hey, we should fucking you know all this money was spending on wars What if we spent it on some health care you fucking socialist?

Socialist I want something for my money So just watching it go into fucking corporations who are profiting off this never-ending shit. Yeah fucking peace Why don't you get the fuck out of that country? All right a political and economic theory. I Love that theory because yeah, they're all theory capitalism is a theory. They're all theories in theory This is how it should work, but in reality, this is how it works. All right of social organization which advocates That the means of production distribution exchange should be owned or regulated by a community as a whole Well, that's never gonna work Look at us in this pandemic trying to just trying to get maybe, you know

50% of the people are pulling in the same direction you can't do it. I think I Would say that that doesn't work because Well, none none of them work Because people are running them and we are inherently flawed and Yeah, I really just think the people that are drawn to it. I don't know to running shit Be it your local fucking chapter of something or rather this so there's a fucking I Know it's very hard to get the right person in there someone who actually gives a shit doesn't have a fucking ego That's that's a very difficult thing to find but anyway

You know capitalism that that works on the theory that hey everybody has a chance and everybody You know you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and you try this you back a dip a dip a dip a dip, you know and Then you fucking see the end result of like 150 years of that and like like Like 2% of the people own 80% of the wealth It's just like You know and you got 10 fucking cities and all of this shit, so I don't know I have no idea but I

Don't even know Finland's is Finland's socialist now that I opened my big goddamn mouth. I Can tell you what it is fucking beautiful is Socialist or capitalist Finland has a capitalist economy why fins are So much way way way opinion Finland is a capitalist paradise Finland is not a capitalist paradise. What the fuck?

Finland has a capitalist economy. Why are the fins so much happier than us? Oh God is it can you can you fucking Google anything that isn't clickbait anymore? Like what page do you have to go to? How the fuck would you know it go to a country and know if somebody's happier I remember Oprah did some dumb segment on that the happiest places on earth God bless her, but why was you said they're looking at going like You know, that's one of those things with the light they go do buy

Do buy is this amazing place? It's built on fucking slave labor Aren't they all though in some way? I don't fucking know Jesus Christ. Oh, sorry. I just been studying. I haven't been doing anything And I haven't been watching the news, you know what I did do is I watched I watched the paint the Patriots I watched the Bruins versus the devils the other night We ended up losing, but it was a great game and there was some fucking sick ass goals Just I'll tell you man, I respect the devils man, they got some fucking snipers There was one almost goal that would have been one of the goals of the year one of our defensemen just laid down on the ice and the Fucking dude was stickhandling jumped over him

landed Continued to stickhandle, but couldn't quite tuck at home. I was just like I was on the phone with somebody It's my fucking Job never ends. It was hilarious and I'm sitting there talking to him. I was going yes So, you know, I figure I could start my tour if people get the vaccination and meanwhile the planes happen The plays happen. I'm like, you know, get back and I just go fuck Because what what I was like, I'm sorry this guy in the devils jumped over a brood It's like, all right, you just fucking freaked me out. So we got the islanders. I think we got the islanders tonight

Playing them back-to-back and ever since we got Taylor Hall, we've just become a different team. It's given us two legit lines We got a new gold tender, I don't know what his name is because I just been studying he's been playing great and It's exciting Celtics is I kind of just you know When some lose some and meanwhile the fucking New York Knicks are on a tear They are just on a tear there. They're a fourth seed. I think they have finally turned it around there and And meanwhile everybody's talking about the Brooklyn Nets and then the Philadelphia 76ers have a better record But does that help them I Don't think so because I feel like the NBA told us with the all-star game. Who's gonna make the finals?

Or is it the final? I always forget is it the Stanley Cup finals in the NBA final or the other way around? Let me get this down for one NB a Finals with an S Stanley cup And That also says finals One of them is only a final and one of them is a finals wiki has it. It's the finals plural

Nba Final wiki, let's see here And and wikipedia has it down as the NBA finals Because whenever I say finals people go Bill it's final there isn't more than one finals Those are the same people who go. Why do you call it football? They think like they've come up with some sort of George Carlin analogy It's like because it I think I believe it started with some sort of hybrid of soccer in rugby and The name stuck. I think that that's why

Is that why do you have a king and a queen? And then also have like political a prime minister You know, I don't give a shit, you know Why are you guys fat because we eat too much or food supplies poison? You have any money? You have any fucking nice questions about America? Why is it so big and beautiful that could genocide and slavery? I'm sorry anyway I did I did a couple of shows last night. I Did a couple of shows bump bump bump bump bump bump and I had the weirdest experience last week

I did stand up at this church this Methodist church Which is I believe Catholicism without the pedophilia as far as I can tell But then and then I went over to the comedy store. I did my first spot at the store in forever Since the beginning of this pandemic and I had two of the fucking best sets I've had during all of this shit and I didn't tape I just went up there

I just emptied my fucking brain and I was like wow I feel like I got a new ten minutes and I have been chasing that My last like three sets and it just was like I Was just eating it every fucking where I went. I wasn't eating it. It just wasn't going well I felt like I was just stuck in the mud. I couldn't pull out right. That's what she said Oh, I think that's what he said That would be that's what he said. I couldn't pull out. Yeah, I was trying. I love those jokes by the way That's what she said and that's what he said always funny to me. I don't care if they're old corny jokes

Or inappropriate at the workplace. I don't care. I like them. I stand by them You know, it's funny. I was thinking about this whole fucking cancel culture thing and you know what the reality is is Nothing You really can't cancel somebody like Unless you get the cops involved and they actually get arrested and they go to jail You know, but as far as like this whole bullshit that you've been canceled I've noticed with with comedians at least is they post shows and the shows still sell out and

Then what happens is the people that said they were canceled when they realized that they're not canceled is they then bully and attack the promoter of The show to try to get the show canceled That's what really happens So that is one of those things that I just kind of hope goes away When we when whenever we come back that that goes away because that shit it really just expanded Beyond these abusive monsters That were that were out there and needed to be dealt with it just sort of then expanded into I don't like your thought process

Therefore We've decided your career and your dream is over. It's just like wait what what happened when when did when did it expand into this? Talk to me about your politics. I don't like those Yeah It's a great big fucking weird thing out there. Just why I'm trying to make my life a little more simple All right, one more cute story with my daughter I was driving home from school. She goes dad. Do you love me and I said yeah, and she goes how much and I'm like this much I just realized it took my hands off the wheel of the car like if I loved her. I would have I don't know what I wiggled my ears

And I said to her do you love me and she goes yes, and I said why she goes because you make me waffles and pancakes I Don't know why they don't have little kids for they should have four-year-old kids Write hallmark cards because they just get right to it You know, I'm fucking sitting there trying to buy my wife a Mother's Day card, which I did I bought my mom one, too. You know, I bought all the mom my mother-in-law everybody, right? and It's so weird to go in there and buy a mass-produced card You know

That says all of these things and I just what blows my mind is how much women love these cards And it's like don't you realize that there's another woman right now reading those exacts this thousands of women reading those exact words Those exact fucking words You know so how sincere is this shouldn't I be buying a blank card and writing how I feel that's what I I usually do that Not because I'm open emotionally. Jesus. We know it's not that I usually do that because by the time I go Ah fuck I got to get a card. I show up

And it looks like after you know the card section of whatever just you know The Mother's Day card or what at Valentine's Day card that section at that point looks like there was a parade And I just missed it, you know, there's envelopes of paper on the floor and shit. So then I just buy the blank one and I Think what I'm gonna do now is I'm just gonna start Plagiarizing the cute things my daughter says to me and then just write that to my I might write that To my wife happy Mother's Day. I love you because you make me waffles and pancakes I mean how much better is that how much?

I mean that has everything and you need to know in life You know I love you because you're showing me love and you can do it in the most simple way and I feel it To the core of my soul all of that is in there, you know what to have this fancy script I love you because you make me waffles and pancakes. I mean that is just air. You can't fuck with that. That is just airtight That right there is better than any of the fucking shit. I was reading in that CVS Oh God and then standing there waiting for the woman stocking the shelves to come back over to the register because those fucking drugstores Won't hire enough fucking people

Poor woman standing over with her back to me as she's fucking putting razor blades and shit on the goddamn shelf Yeah, you ready you're about ready and I'm like, yeah, I'm ready I'm over here trying not to get upset at you trying not to be selfish because I want to get on with my fucking day You about ready All of that shit all of those fucking stores man Jesus fucking Christ they skeleton crew Don't even tell me it's because of the pandemic They've been doing that since fucking before the fucking poor person at the goddamn register at a CVS

Also has to run over to make sure the geriatric people who the only people who eat that fucking ice cream, you know They run over there. What do you want? You want Rocky Road? They have all those old school fucking Flavors chocolate strawberry vanilla Rocky Road Aunt Mabel What would you? COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital Some never came back truth is our community deserves better better resources We can trust to protect ourselves a good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted

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Everybody knows how you juggle a family and own a business you miss your children growing up That's how you do it Jesus Christ how many times people gonna ask that fucking question. It's one of the easiest answers In the world in the world world world. All right, that's the That's the podcast here everybody. I hope you enjoyed it I know it was a little all over the place today, but uh, I Don't know. I'm gonna be seeing cross-eyed here I don't know when I'm taking this fucking test, but I got a cram the 70 pages of fucking information to my goddamn head Yeah, that's what I have to do and I got a lesson today, so that's what I'm doing

Bruins versus Islanders tonight. Hopefully I'll have a little bit of time to watch that and And That's it be nice to each other everybody stop watching the fucking news. Just be nice to each other, you know Don't buy holiday cards Have your four-year-old just say something cute to you when you just write that on the you plagiarize Your own toddler why I should probably a young child, right? Is that what I say? I don't know people I'm trying to wrap it up here. All right. That's it. Enjoy the music if you knew this podcast after the music There'll be an additional bonus

Episode of not a bonus episode a Greatest hits episode of Thursday afternoon just before Friday morning morning podcast coming from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday morning We're podcast from a year ago for ten years ago. I don't know how Andy does, but that's what's coming up next. All right Have a great weekend you can't I Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday May the 6th May the 6th. Did you read did you read your forecast for the day? Huh, what does it say?

What is that shit called astrology? Why don't we look up old fucking astrology right now? You know what? It's raining out here in Los Angeles. Everybody always freaks out. Oh My god, it's rainy. I can't drive it this stuff Now here's astrology and who we have on here star of the day who will it be George Clooney? Evidently, he's a Taurus and he was born today May 6 1961 happy birthday to George Clooney who turns 52 today What kind of an asshole I'll tell you what kind of an asshole looks this shit up Adolf Hitler and thank God he did Maybe if you didn't have his head up in the stars

He might have won that fucking war right and I'll tell you right now Most of us wouldn't be here including myself. Do you think that beady little shark-eyed fucking? Amy Schumer cheek psycho would fucking put up with my red-headed face walking around. I don't think he would I Don't think he would I think he'd look at me and go Shit I Drank like a fucking idiot lay it yesterday. I was going so well everybody when I was fighting that demon That little whore that little harlot that I like to call alcoholism I was doing so great and by great what I meant was I was actually working out in the morning before I went out and got shit-faced

That's how I fucking wrestled that demon to the ground. How you like that shit, huh? Empty calories, of course you have to kill Tap out dude tap out No, I've been doing great. I've been doing the stairs This is set of stairs Down the fucking street and I know what most people see most people drive by they see a set of stairs But not old freckle face here. You know what I see I see a free gym So I've been going up and down these fucking things all right With us there's four sets of stairs, and I'm doing them with

Cleveland zone Jason Lawhead All right, there's four sets of stairs, so we're looking at it like a basketball game All right, the first set of stairs is the first quarter Second stairs second quarter you get the idea right something to take our mind off the fact that we're a couple of boozehounds Trying to drag our fucking drunk asses hung over asses up these stairs So you basically you go up down up. That's the first quarter and the second quarter is a short one So that one you got to run you trying to run them out of the building or if you walk it that means You know you blew a fucking eight-point lead right up down up, and then we fucking the last two

Brutal up down up and then up down up and then you walk all the way around you loop around And then you got the last two and you go up down up up down up and that's fucking over time And you basically want to kill yourself afterwards, but I got to tell you something You know if you do that shit, and you come home, and you resist the urge to get a breakfast burrito Or whatever the fuck it is you do when you're neck of the woods If you just have a if you just sit there and you force yourself to eat like you're in a prison camp the weight will come off Why am I talking about this shit? Yeah, I'm back to having my banana for breakfast although if I do that fucking workout I do I'll have the oatmeal and the banana that's what I do if you guys are ever wondering what my beauty secrets are

If you ever wondered How it is that I keep the glow how I keep the light in my eye How when I walk into a room? Everybody just goes wow who is that gentleman and what are his ideas that I can invest in? That's what it is right there up down up on the fucking stairs A bowl of oatmeal with nothing else in it maybe a couple of bananas slices of banana, and that's it you eat like you're in some bamboo cage Tread and water with a couple of rats. All right That's what you have to do in your fucking 40s

If you don't want to end up with one of those Sammy Hagar torsos, you know Well, you're still trying to wear the t-shirt and you look okay straight on as long as it's black But when you turn to the side you just got all that extra fucking meat, you know You ought to be able to put your hand down and be able to get your thumb to the back and your fingers To the front. All right when your whole hand could just be on the side. You got you got to shave down that ham All right, so anyways, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to shave it down. I Was at my fight and fucking weight like an asshole they put on like 13 pounds being a fucking goddamn Waffle-eating fucking moron. So now look what I have to do. I gotta eat like a fucking

God like I'm in Goddamn POW camp. Why do I do that to myself? How many fucking times bill are you gonna get down to your weight be like, oh, that's great. You know what in celebration? I'm gonna have a cheeseburger some ice cream and go right back to the tub of fucking shit I was before I'm sick of it. I hate myself. I'm sick of the cycle Um Whatever so it's raining out here, which is great

Because the hills are on fire The hills are on fire out here, which are actually a phenomenal part of nature out here If human beings weren't living in the hills It would be great. We could all just sit back and sort of enjoy nature doing what it does Hills catch on fire. I've gone through this before right basically. This is how the weather works out here It rains you used to be January and February now it like fucking rains in December. It's like earlier You know and fuck all you people in Minnesota. Okay with you. Oh my god. It's snowing in May Why are you acting like you didn't just put away your mittens?

Okay You live in Minnesota. You know what you signed up for what you think you're gonna be doing in May water skiing Oh, it would have been nice um 46 fucking inches and everybody's out there acting like you know They're acting like it's snowing in May. I wish I could have put on Fox News. I know they were like global warming, huh? Fuck the polar ice caps melting it's snowing in Minnesota in May Let's see what the Liberals have to say about this is that a polar bear?

Um So anyways the fucking hills were on fire we drew we drove out to we drew me in law had did a chewmash casino Somebody told me chewmash means number five in Native American. I have no idea. I don't know if it's the name of their tribe You know, they stood on the hills out here when they were on fire and yelled at the apaches, you know Chewmash motherfuckers. I don't know if they said that I have no idea Well, if they just put five fingers in the air and that meant to gather up Gather up we're gonna go get some squaw pussy tonight

I have no idea what it meant But all I know is I went out there and I had a great fucking time, but we're driving out there And I know you Californians are used to this shit, but we're just driving out there and all of a sudden you just come over the hill On the highway and you look in the distance and there's an entire hill that is just completely in I can't say completely engulfed in Flames, it's just walls of fire working its way up the hill and You just sort of drive by it taking video not paying attention to where you're going like I did I'll try and send you some of the video Gbilly you're really gonna try how are you gonna try what fucking select it and hit send I'm gonna send the video I'll have the video, okay

Anyways And I actually went home the next day and I was watching these firefighters on the fucking news If you get a chance go on YouTube, maybe there's some clips out there watching these guys fight the fires. It's it's unbelievable First of all, it's like 85 fucking degrees out without the hill being on fire and like seven of them Walk up this hill here. I am bragging about doing these stairs up down up down these guys have like a fucking You know 60 70 pounds worth of equipment that heavy raincoat and they're just walking up this hill like it's nothing They get up there. I noticed one guy's got the red helmet. He's leading the way. So evidently. He's the fucking chief So they're standing right next to this wall of fire and he just kind of yeah, it's so bad at that that miss and then these fucking guys

They they just get after it two guys have these giant fucking chainsaws They start cutting away the brush the other guys are grabbing the brush thrown it in the opposite direction of The fire next thing, you know, there's a trail and they've established a perimeter You know and the fire is like wait a minute what the fuck happened I thought everything was all good and they said I don't think so fire Why don't you just sit there and either go in the other direction over shit? You already burned out or just sadly fucking fade away like a child star. That's exactly what they did I watched them save people's houses. They're unbelievable

When it was in that moment that I realized I could never be a firefighter. I don't have what it takes. I Don't I have the wrong pigment to be walking up that fucking hill with all of that shit on you know I was joking that night in the comedy club that if I worked in a firehouse, I'd be that guy who stay hangs back and like makes the chili you know Everybody calling me a pussy some homophobic words, you know, they would be yeah And it would be nothing against gay people. It would just all about making me feel like a fucking chili making pussy I'd be sitting there stirring the pot. Hey, be careful out there guys. I heard it's a hot one Yeah, fuck you you fucking goddamn broad make me some fucking tuna fish

And I'd sit there with my big fireman red mustache little tear in my eye Sitting there all alone tasting my chili needs paprika God do you guys realize Not one nail has been put into my house since they Demoed it the other day or whatever fucking was it six weeks ago. We're still fighting with these insurance cunts Over two grand because I know what they're thinking. It's too grand This guy eventually is gonna get sick a fucking looking at this mess And you know what they don't know they don't know what they're dealing with here

They don't know how stubborn I am. I'm going the opposite direction What I'm really seeing is all my shit that I had in the walk-in closet You know just strewn about in this room downstairs, and I'm just looking at all of it going what the fuck do I need this stuff for? What is that? You know what it came across the other day. Do you remember one of those Michelin nests throwback jerseys? We're all the fucking rage Remember that I remember the late great Patrice O'Neill Please download his CD mr. P all the proceeds go to his wife and his mom

He I think at one point his entire wardrobe Consisted of those fucking jerseys You know and we used to give him shit when he'd come in wearing a fucking wide receiver's jerseys saying he was too big He should only buy throwback Lyman jerseys And he's again then of course he'd fucking trash the shit out of us, but whatever so during that time They had a Fran Tarkington throwback jersey the The white one LSU by the way, I don't know who ripped off who probably the Vikings ripped off LSU considering LSU's been around forever

But I have a fucking Fran Tarkington throwback jersey I'm like I forgot I even had that and then I remembered why I never wore it because I got it and I put it on and I looked like an asshole. I Don't know what it was about the colors. I don't know if it was the numbers I don't know if it was my dumb fucking face, but I literally the second I put it on I looked like I had a fatal disease and I was waiting for Fran Tarkington to show up next to my hospital bed That's what I look like. So I'd never fucking wore it. I bought this fucking thing, you know, remember those things They were like 200 bucks 250. I've never worn that fucking thing

All right, and if you can send me an email If you're almost five foot ten like I am in roughly way about a buck seventy to a buck eighty Depending on how much you're boozing if you can send me a fucking email as to why you're a giant Fran Tarkington fan and all that bullshit you leave your address I'll mail that fucker to you because you know what I'm done with all this shit. I fucking dropped my computer you asshole I'm done with all of this shit All right, I'm not gonna be the guy with a bunch of shit You know that gradually ends up my garage and plastic tins

Like this fucking shit. I'm not doing it. I'm getting rid of all of my stuff All these fucking books I already read and I still have them. I'm getting rid of all of them You know what? I was actually thinking this is a group. This would be a fucking hilarious way To in a very sneaky way gradually get out of a relationship that you want to be in you know Possibly the biggest you know pussy way out of relationship rather than just sitting down what I've always told you guys to do It should just sit down with the person you just say listen We need to talk you sit down and you just start it off with I'm not happy and that's the theme Well, what if I did this that knit? I'm just not happy

What is it is it the sex I'm just not happy whatever man a woman All right So say you didn't want to have that that conversation Say it just gives you so many douche chose what if What you did was without her knowing just ever so subtly Over the course of eight excruciating months still in that relationship. You didn't want to be in what if you just Gradually kind of got rid of all of your shit

You know and the way you cover for it is you do yoga every day So you just tell you know your significant other that it's just a spiritual new spiritual path That you're taking and they'll be psyched in one way because I was getting rid of all of this shit That's fucking great. There's more room for my stuff, right? And then when you're down To like a backpack worth a shit and the clothes on your back You put your toothbrush in your little fanny pack, whatever you have left and you just hey, I'm gonna go run some errands You just walk out the door That's it

You're out There's another way to do it people You know Someday I'm putting the book out thousand and one ways to get out of a fucking relationship. That's one of them right there That's number 872 I just flipped through the book little manuscript That's one for you. All right anyways

How far into this podcast are we everybody? That was a lovely 16 minutes here. How about a little advertisements? How the hell do I get to him live reads? Okay, here we go pro flowers Hey everybody, guess what it is next Sunday. You know what is it's mother's day Who's more important than your mom? Nobody unless she didn't stick around, you know, then I would just wait till Father's Day and get the flowers for your dad

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That's pro flowers calm click on the microphone and type in burr order mother's day Flowers today. It's this Sunday. Okay? Stop having it in the back of your head Stop having a string tied around your finger. Just do it right now and relax. Enjoy the rest of your day. Okay? E voice everybody E voice is the reason you're gonna make more money in 2013 Hear what I just said if you're sitting around going, how am I gonna make more money in 2013? I have your answer E voice When your customers call you'll have your own toll-free number professional greeting dial by name directory and more You'll sound like a fortune 500 company even if you're living in your mom's basement

And you know what that does it blows away your competitors E voice lets you give out one number that rings wherever you are The beach the bar doesn't matter. You'll sound like you're at the office You got to go to E voice and use my promo code bill E voice takes all your voicemails Transcribes them and sends to you sends them to you instantly as you text or email So not only is this thing phenomenal if you're in business It's even better if you're trying to start a business while you still have another job Okay, because the person on the other end of the line is not going to know that and if something important happens

You get the text message. You know what you do you go run to the bathroom. Excuse me everybody I had I had Indian food last night you take off and you handle your business and you gradually get your own business going all right, so Here's the deal go to E voice comm promo code bill. That's E voice comm promo code bill or just go to the podcast page on bill bird Com you click on the E voice banner right now. That is it God bless you and God bless the United States of America. All right back to the podcast everyone So as always You know what my life is my life is travel My life is booze my life is sports

That's it like I was supposed to make like like if I was in rehab or some shit now I was supposed to make a pie About what it is that I do You know and I swear to God no matter what I wrote I know the person would be like, you know looking at this pie I See a lot of sadness It's a dude. Are you are you looking at the pie? I travel I tell jokes and then I get drunk afterwards Where do you see the sadness in there? It's my job to find sadness. Oh fuck you

All right Make an addiction your fucking life's mission You know I realized I'm gonna I'm gonna give away some of these books that I have and Oh, I also didn't say I Didn't say where to send the emails to for the Fran Tarkington Jersey sent it to Bill at bill bird calm and I'll sift through those motherfuckers. I might even send you a book with it Huh, you want to read about Bob probert? I have his hard-covered autobiography

Um, maybe Rick flair to be the man you got to beat the man I mean, what am I supposed to die of random? I got it. It's in the fucking memory bank You know what sucks is one time I took a bunch of used books down the street to this bookstore And it brought him in and this fucking cunt. I think I told this story. I Bought that Anthony Ketus one. I was all you know jumping on a plane. I'm like, oh the guy from red hot chili peppers The guy's a rock star. He never has a shirt on how much pussy did this guy get I want to read about it, right? So I read his book and it was and that was all right You know, I thought it was kind of a cunt to flee seemed like a bully

Kind of seemed like he had like a fucking You know that battered wife relationship with flee. I Love you, bro. I love you and then does something really mean that odd flee. I'm sorry, man. I'm so come on back Stop being mean to me Anthony, right? It just was really uncomfortable in parts of it, you know and Maybe I was fucking superimposing that I have no idea what Whatever so I bring it down there. You know, do you realize the douchebag behind the fucking counter? Kind of like Did some sort of half a laugh like laughing that I bought this fucking book

You don't know me and it's just like dude. What was I supposed to read the autobiography of your life? huh the sarcastic guy at the fucking news bookstore Surrounded by books, although your life wouldn't make a good one the irony of that. How about that? Huh? Oh Jesus the violent thoughts that went through my head. I didn't say anything. I was actually embarrassed Which happens me a lot in life people just catch me off guard and they call me out for the pathetic douche that I am And I believe it or not for as much as I handle hecklers on stage when I go off stage I think that that's the microphones like my utility belt the second that's not in my hand

I go back to being the pathetic douche that needs to go on stage To feel good about himself. Wow. This is very therapeutic this week Pudic therapeutic that didn't sound right There are pussions Anyways, did anybody watch the the Celtics, New York Knicks series? How fucking amazing was that? All right, and I called it the fucking Boston Celtics have the most hot in the goddamn league All you fucking Nick fans who were texting me when you were up by 20 with like eight minutes to go in the fourth quarter was hilarious

It was already coming in all the text messages Shit oh shit. Oh shit fucking Celtics with them like went on a 20. Oh run Got it down to like four points or whatever. So maybe we were down like 25. I don't even know and And And I love that we were down by like 20 points in the fourth quarter and none of the Celtics fans left I'm sure a couple did but for the most part the place was still packed Chant and let's go Celtics You know

Laker fans, I'm not saying this in a bad way, but if you want to learn how to be better fans That's something you guys ought to do. You know what I mean? Now if we were the Lakers this year who had way more talent than the Celtics We would have got swept You know and one of our best guys would have fucking Deliverately got his second technical because he doesn't want to go out there and feel the shame of being swept all of that stuff You know Laker fans I'm extending an olive branch to try and help you guys become better fans

All right, and here's the thing if one of your players no matter how much you love them Walks off on the rest of his teammates you boo him the next fucking game You don't chant MVP in him thus boosting his ego even higher to the point when he gets an injury He starts tweeting during the game criticizing his own fucking coach You know still being a distraction not even on the team still disrupting team chemistry You know what's gonna kill me is when Kobe comes back from this injury The way that ESPN fucking drops to their knees and blows that guy they are gonna talk about this guy like he did his own surgery You know they're never gonna think well

They've been working on athletes with this the same injury and the advancements in modern medicine are so fucking incredible That these guys can sit here with like you know somebody dabbing the sweat off their brow as they have like you know What do you call microscope glasses on or whatever To read to fucking remen Kobe Bryant so you can go back out there and probably be 90% of what he used to be as Opposed to back in the day where your career was over or like Dominique Wilkins who had to take a year off Still was comeback player of the year. They'll never bring that up either Dominique Wilkins He won't get any love. He won't get any love about it. They'll act like

Nobody has ever done this before maybe they'll bring up Jerry Rice coming back from his ACL They'll talk about that Maybe they'll do that and it's gonna it's gonna make me absolutely like projectile vomit onto my flat-screen TV When they're just like I mean, what does it say about this guy's? Desired I mean, you know, he says it himself all he wants to all he wants to do is win as he drives Shack out of fucking town Drives coaches out of town MVP walks off the court

MVP insane. All right, I'm done trashing the guy. All right He could blow up both his Achilles and beat up me and everybody I know while eating a fucking BLT I realized this. All right, but if I didn't bring this shit up It wouldn't make me a typical cunty fan on the internet. What it well, there you go So anyways, all those Celtics fans who were at the game, I just want to tell you out here living in Lakerland I couldn't have been more proud of the way you guys cheered on the team and you stuck around And he didn't fucking run out of the building You know, Nick fans would have stuck around but up top

Up top they would down low all those other guys You know all those celebrities Victoria's Secret models Sitting next to the fucking action stars they all would have left Spike Lee would have stayed you know What has he been wearing lately You know what I mean He looks like he was a huge Justin Timberlake fan and he's also going to Clown College

All right, anyways, if anybody been watching any of the NHL playoffs they've been phenomenal so far of course, I'm watching the Bruins Maple Leafs and Can anybody explain this to me because this seems to be a any time there's a playoff series and and I Would say in basketball and hockey To be specific not in baseball because baseball it's more about your stat and picture But the first two games of the Bruins Maple Leafs series Okay game one

It looked like we were gonna sweep the fucking Maple Leafs It looked like why the fuck how the fuck did the Maple Leafs even make the playoffs? Bruins are flying up and down the ice. They hit in the Maple Leafs Maple Leafs aren't doing anything They look like they're intimidated. We score four goals Bing Bang boom four to one easy fucking victory Game two comes around. It's completely 100% the exact opposite Bruins are on their heels the fucking Maple Leafs are pushing us around we're taking it and now we look like that frustrating team that I watched all year that can't score more than two goals and Can anybody explain to me what what the fuck that is

You know what happens happens what happens in those 48 hours between the games I I Just I don't understand it. So tonight the Bruins and Maple Leafs are playing again. I gotta be honest with you I have no idea what to expect No idea what to expect, but I can tell you this Phil Kessel is a great player, but it has one of the I Say top-ten most hateable faces in professional sports right now. I don't know what that look is on his face I think if you have like a lot of baby fat on your face, it makes you very hateable I don't know what it is

Maybe it's the helmet Then mushers his cheeks in and they kind of stick out over his nose. I don't know what it is Why is my voice cracking like I'm going through puberty. I have no idea and I'm also of course paying attention to the Canadian's Ottawa series. I was at a I was at a cookout yesterday Cinco de Mayo self dumb. I am last year. I actually what day I said what day is that? Cinco de Mayo now for all you other people who didn't know a lick of Spanish like me that literally means May 5th That's the name of the holiday the name of the holiday is May 5th or The fifth of May or 5th of May. I don't know how to fucking translate it

But I missed the fucking game and that look it looked like an old-school Adams division You know even I was six to one total lopsided victory for Ottawa I really wish that I watched the game and I can guarantee you it's gonna make no sense I The Canadians are gonna come back just like the Maple Leafs I'm predicting in the next fucking game and they're gonna totally turn around and they'll probably win six to one Now they won't because I make Ottawa their goal. He's too fucking good But here's a question I have when are people gonna wise up to that pk subon fucking move

Where he's backing up acting like he's gonna give you the zone and then he fucking Does a couple of crossovers that leaves his feet and gives you a shoulder to the face, you know the ref standard right there Oh, that's a clean hit It's a fucking phenomenal move Phenomenal move. I don't know. I don't understand why guys don't see it coming Just got to be a reason Anybody nothing

All right, let's let's let's read one of these these these fucking things here Jesus do I need to buy a new wire or something all of a sudden it's cutting out in one headphone All right to trust or not to trust Oh before I get into that condolences to that the referee Who ref that soccer game that high school soccer game out in Colorado one of the worst things I stories Ever he gave somebody a yellow card in the 17 year old kid lost his temper and turned around and punched the guy in the face And I don't know if it's the way he landed

I don't know if he had pre-existing stuff for this kid just caught him the right way, but the guy the ref went into a coma for like four or five days and he passed away so It's just a it's the worst I don't know I can't say it's the word I made so many awful things that happened in the last fucking month or so, but Jesus Christ Everybody involved on either side. I Mean, I know as much as people are gonna get mad at that kid 17 fucking years old I just can't imagine it, you know, you got your whole life ahead of you

You're going out to play Soccer and you punch a guy in the face and he dies and now you're looking at a murder charge or manslaughter Wherever they're gonna charge you and then another thing. It's just some 46 year old guy family man going out to ref a game and It's it causes you end up dead after it just I don't know I don't know why I brought that up. That really kills the fucking comedy, right? Let's be a good time to read some advertising All right, here we go. Yeah, let's get into the letters for this week

To trust or not to trust Love is the question Hey Bill I am a 19 year old guy and have been dating a girl who is almost two years older than me for about two months and Known her for about seven months All right. Do you realize how many numbers are in that? Let's just start over again. I'm 19 date and a girl who's 21 For two months and I've known her for seven months. Okay. I got it

We're in a long-distance relationship. Oh Jage age and have never met. Oh, come on, but we Skype almost every day To trust or not to trust not to trust sir You might as well be up in a spaceship Her pussies on the other side of an ocean, dude, all right You know what you're gonna have to have this incredible bone structure and verbal skills to keep that woman satisfied I can tell you that If you're gonna try and do this over Skype

All right, but I plow forward here. I live in the UK and she's in America I love her to bits and she says that she loves me I had an issue before meeting her and it really felt like I was exercising demons when I told her about my issues She's my first girlfriend. Plus. I've had issues around women previously as well as bullying in school And we got everything out in the open All right, it felt like it had set in Jesus some weeks I suck at reading and some weeks. I really suck at reading my regroup here said

It felt like it had set in stone a relationship that was secure and trustworthy Given we'd shared a lot of our past Such as her getting sexually abused as a child as well as her previous relationship breakdown. Oh breaking down During these two months. I have felt me myself gaining self-esteem. I never really had as a child But yeah, there always seems to be a butt with the emails that you get She recently told me she cheated on me with somebody she met In the five months between meeting Oh meeting her and starting to date

Sir, you haven't been dating You've been Skyping Um, she tells me it all happened too quick and she felt pressured into it I'm unsure how to move forward and if we have a future together along just the relationship is based on trust Can't that can that be repaired? Thanks, Bill. You should do a show in England again soon No, sir. No, no, this is uh beyond over you're sifting through ashes Of basically a relationship a physical one that never existed

And the more you Skype with her the longer the heart it's going to be for you to move on All right, you said that you got some self-esteem. I need you To ramp up your self-esteem even more and have the self-esteem. Let's just say listen and do it a nice way to say Um, I think you're a great person and I think if you were here things would be different, but you're not so, um I think it'd be better for both of us Not fuck better for both of us because then that could then she'll be like, but I'm okay with it You got always got to stick with you when you're talking about getting out of relationship. All right

Just yeah, I mean it's over you cheated on me It's already hard enough that we're on different sides of the sides of an ocean All we can do is Skype You know the end of the day just be like i'm not even mad at you that you cheated on me. I understand it You know human beings we need a human connection and this is like i'm fucking uh Ground control to mage a tome like i'm fucking orbiting the earth here. We can't we can't have a uh, we can't have a relationship here. All right Having said that let me see your goods just one time put them up against the screen Come on you filthy whore. Sorry. Um, yeah

I would not trust her sir and I would uh I might even go into therapy if I was you sounds like you had a rough Go of it with the bullying and that type of thing to the point that You're so pulled back that you're having relationships a non physical one Um over the internet You got to get out there sir. You got to get out you know

Join a fucking volleyball league softball league uh book of the club Book of the club book of the month league book club of the month. Whatever the fuck i'm trying to say uh You're not into sports. Take a fucking cooking class. Just get out there get out there where the broads are at You know, it's even greater if you just hey, let's go. You know, oh you're into reading you're into cooking It breaks the fucking ice. I would do that All right

That's what I would do. I would not trust her sir All right, you deserve more than that Good luck And god bless the united states of england Um, is this a trap? Oh billy boy Oh dany boy the lights the lights are calling you I love the podcast hoping give me some perspective on this issue I am in my early 30s and i've been married for five years My wife and I recently have been having a sexual resurgence in our relationship

After a big lull caused by the birth of our two kids and me putting on some extra weight. That's very honest Uh, we are back to fucking as much or more than we did when we first started dating You know, that was coming off like really like uh You were a mature man and then you went right down to my level I don't have to the birth of our two kids. There's been a sexual resurgent and uh, you know, I'd put on some extra weight but uh Drop a few pounds and we're back down fucking as much as we used Here's a tip for married men

If you want more sex out of your wife get your ass to the gym it worked for me. There you go There you go. Here's a guy practicing what I have preached For the six fucking years that I've been doing this podcast by the way next month is the sixth year anniversary of me starting this podcast Okay, so I am expecting some, um, I don't know what Some sort of congratulations. I should have done it yet last year when it was the five year anniversary Um, so this guy's going to the gym. That's right. He's getting the pecs going. He's fighting off the mantits. You know He's he's fucking not having that big uh former fucking rock star

God damn gut. You got to get rid of that shit and you'll live longer I read something one time or overheard in the bar knowing knowing me that every extra pound of fat that you have is Is five miles of capillaries That your heart has to pump blood through just saying extra five pounds 25 more miles of capillaries So you can imagine if you're 30 pounds overweight, holy fucking shit. That's a hundred. That's a fucking road trip 150 miles You got to get it off. Um, that's why you always see little old ladies and little old men

You don't see jolly old fat 90 year old guys. You don't they're gone You know Other than bill russell if you ever seen like a fucking 70 year old seven footer There's a reason for that Your heart has to fucking pump all the way down to the tippy toes Okay Also, my wife has been open and willing to do any manner manner of depraved sexual shit that I can think of Jesus dude

He goes I am living the dream I feel like I won the wife lottery. Well, I would say you do if she's a great mother too. That's phenomenal So you go say here's the issue Uh-oh, okay. I'm gonna guess that she wants to bring somebody else into the bedroom. I'm gonna guess that you're fucking open pandora's box and The way this is read if it's another woman, you don't give a shit. I'm guessing she wants another dude. That's what I'm guessing She wants a little rotisserie action there little boston market

um Here we go So here's the issue Um, she has recently been saying that she thinks it would be really hot if I fucked another woman in front of her Oh Oh, that went on an entirely different direction She is clear that she doesn't want to threesome She doesn't want to participate

She just wants to be there Apparently this is a fairly common fetish known as being A cut queen Did you spell it right? C. U. C. K. Queen A cut queen All right people this is the first word i've learned the definition to since uh What is it buggering being above getting buggered Anyways, he says now i'm a guy now i'm a guy. So obviously i'm into variety and the idea is intriguing

And like I said, she's willing to do basically anything i want to do in the bedroom So it seems only fair That I would do what I can to fulfill her sexual fantasies Still this seems like a bad idea to me exactly great instincts, sir I don't know what a reaction is going to be. I don't want to jeopardize my marriage For something like this. What do you think bill? Should I just go for it or listen to the voice in my head that says This is a bad idea if I go for it. How would you suggest actually finding women? A woman who was open to the idea of being fucked in front of my wife. Thanks. All right

Here we go Sir, you're 100 right. You can't fucking do this and all the married guys out there who were like, dude What are you out of your fucking mind? I do that in a fucking second Fucking second. I know this chick at the office. Not only she fucking bang me in front of the whole fucking office Hey Love of my life. Look at me. Oh me. I'm fucking banging right all of those guys Those mouth-breathing morons You know

Who piss on the side of the road when there's a wendy's with the fucking public bathroom right there? All of those guys don't listen to them Sir, you're 100 right Some shit should just remain a fantasy Okay um Your parents Okay, you have kids. Okay, and when that happens, there's a certain level

Of uh maturity that you have to fucking have Okay, you can't be walking around in the goddamn gimp outfit When at any second your fucking kids can open the fucking door To your bedroom. You know what I'm saying and this just gonna be uh And you're also introducing the chance of you catching a fucking venereal disease Okay, because first of all any woman that's gonna allow you to do that Is gonna be a freak on some fucking level and evidently wearing a condom. You can still get herpes I don't know how it fucking parrot troops down on your full bag. I have no idea, but evidently you can't

All right, and I got to tell you some fucking things some doors should just remain closed um I Don't know how I would try to make up In that area I was gonna say if she wanted to fuck another dude then you could just act like you were another dude and say a Bunch of different dude shit to her while you had her bent over and she's not looking at you so she could feel you know You don't maybe wear a different cologne

But this whole uh, you know Why don't you just get a blow-up doll and fuck that in front of her, huh? You like that that sounded the fucking You like that shit? Oh Take it you poor Right, maybe you could do that. I don't know what to tell you dude But I'll tell you right now your instinct to not do it is a hundred percent correct All right, you did hit the lottery with this woman and this is another deal dude You could be gradually opening this shit up

You know women are phenomenal masters of manipulation Okay, this might be her roundabout way of saying I want to fuck another guy Okay, and what she's gonna do is get you dirty first Right, just like politics. We can't have this guy getting to the oval office unless we got something on him She's doing she might be doing that same thing now. This is just conspiracy theory Don't look sideways at your wife as you're eating a bowl of fucking corn checks I'm just throwing this shit out here. All right

This might be her roundabout way of fucking getting her to be able to have a fucking All right, you get to fuck one All right And not only does she gotta fuck gonna fuck him you got to sit there and watch it You know Don't do it Do not introduce other fucking people into your relationship All right, your relationship when it comes to sex and if it's gonna fucking work has to be a secret society

As far as my fucking skills go my skill set, you know, I show up to the gym people know what I do I got one mid-range jumper. That's all I'm taking everybody knows if you can stop it you can stop it That's what the fuck I'm coming with. All right I don't even know how the fuck I went into that analogy I was supposed to be making fun of me in the fucking bedroom. I have my little bag of tricks. It's all I got um Yeah, okay now here's something because I've never done shit like that I never went into that area of fucking freak week. I never did that. All right

um Then I think if you are in a fucking healthy relationship at some point Both men and women do want a variety and at some point it's gonna come up and you are gonna talk about it And be like, you know, maybe we've went to vegas. Maybe yeah, but the but there and then in the end You know Usually after you've banged And got that urge out of your system. You lay there and you just look at each other. Yeah, no, what the fuck are we thinking? We can't do that. It's fucking gross. We can't do like they were told and that's not

I'm not trying to judge people who do shit like that, but it would totally it You know, it is it's a house of cards and you're pulling one out way down near the foundation It might stay up, but the whole thing might come down and you got some kids in there. So let me ask you this At the risk of turning this podcast Into a complete freak show Not freak show just I don't know because I really don't judge people what the fuck they do

um, is there anybody out there that is married has a couple of kids and uh Has has had this scenario You know, has your wife been cool with it? Did you just bring some girl? In and you fucking banged her You know Well, what exactly what is the etiquette when you bang another woman in front of your wife? You know, is she just sitting there watching?

You know like she's watching a chess match Are you allowed to throw in some looks like huh? See that you like that move there sweetheart? I don't know I don't know what the deal is. I imagine that there's a bunch of rules You're not allowed to do it missionary style if you come you have to look at me. Don't look at her I mean that that's seen like there's all these like you know what it is. It's like you're starting a new sport It's kind of like MMA when it first started out and you could punch uppercut somebody in the balls and gouge They're right. You could do whatever the fuck you wanted and then they'd be like, all right. We need some parameters here

Dana white came in and said hey No more fucking uppercuts to the undercarriage No more eye gouging no kicking in the face when the guy's on the ground No punches to the back of the head. He made it civilized. So I imagine that there has to be some sort of um You know civility to the fucking another woman in front of your in front of your wife Look who's kidding who that would be absolutely phenomenal But uh, I I just I just couldn't imagine You know

My woman that afterwards afterwards and the woman leaves and then I take a shower Right, and then we're sitting down You know eating spaghettios Um like I would so be praying That she started the conversation If that she was going like yeah, I thought that was just wow, I thought that was really that was really Nido But the absolute fucking worst is if there would just be complete awkward silence And then all of a sudden she starts tearing up

Right and now here you are going but honey you told me to do it and the fucking kids are sitting there I just didn't think You know, I know it's my idea, but I just didn't think that you were going to enjoy it that much You know, you don't come that fast with me The fucking kids sitting there Looking like that kid in the shining, you know when he's fucking looking up with that red rum face And I'll tell you right now That would be a classic fucking 180

That could possibly happen because of The delicacy of women's emotions And I don't mean that like they're weaker or whatever. There's more tapped into them Or whatever And like I said, this also could be some fucking

Top shelf Pimp shit that she's doing where she really wants to go fuck another guy And she knows well the male ego. I can't come at him with this You know, and if her mindset is like, hey, it's just sex. She's trying to get you on the same tape page She has to get you fucking She's got to get you dirty first. So um I don't know. But like I said, if there's people out there who've done this shit, please email me

Because I'd love to I'd love to know Um, give me a quick Scenario of what happened and then give me a long detailed It's not the act I get it. The picture's been painted. I want to know the aftermath I want to know afterwards like what the how to fuck I want to know what was the first topic that was discussed other than the fact That your wife had an out-of-body experience of as far as like the whole intercourse with you

You know And what is she doing Is she saving this up to think about later or is she literally engaging from across the fucking room? You know Basically doing the sexual version of the guy who goes to the game with his face painted Oh, shit great email by the way, sir Great fucking email look at us. Christ. We're all the way up to 55 fucking minutes here um

All right, let's let's let's shower off with some more some more advertising here. Actually, I think I got all of them this week, didn't I? Is that it? I think I have one more at the end of the podcast. I have to read um Let me make sure because I get in trouble each week. You didn't read zippy dot net. How the fuck did you miss that? What do we got here? Oh, oh, that's right. That's right. See this I checked. I did my fucking homework Um, we do have another read if I can find it Where oh where is that other damn read legal zoom dot com everyone?

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And I hope you guys do it because I want all you guys to get out there and work for yourselves If that's what your dream is. All right. Do you want to work for somebody else? That's also cool I don't judge you want to bang another woman in front of your wife because that's what she's into. Well, god bless you Put on a fucking gators bitches. We're jimmy's put on a jimmy and have a good fucking time All right. Now, where the hell am I? Why is my voice cracking? Was I screaming yesterday when I was drunk? I bet I was all right Okay, what are we on to the next one here? Um

Okay, want to oh, you know what I didn't answer his last one. He said If I go for it, how would you suggest actually finding women Who is open to the idea of being fucked in front of my wife? Yeah, I mean you're gonna you're gonna have to find somebody who's uh I would I would try and find somebody who was Really advanced in their career You know Like a lawyer They have to have a certain level of job

I wouldn't go on fucking craigslist And sign find somebody who works at a basket robins who's down for doing something like that that you know what I mean You're trying to go out and find the cleanest person you can And uh, I would just lay it out on the table Put it on the table and I'd have everybody get fucking tested And then I'd still wear a condom and then I'd have at it and then you know as far as the spaghettio Conversation afterwards that's on you. All right, here we go Here's the next one a lot of sex ones this week. What a bang friend sister

Uh, dear billy fadigan um First I would like to say I'm a huge fan, but Uh, the podcast influenced me changing my life for the better great. He said I'm getting over an x following. Um I don't know. He's trying to write in the boston accent and I can't even read that Getting over an x following my hat and there we go Um I want to bang my friend's sister. He even writes this in here for me. Oh

jish Um back story He's been one of my better friends for about eight years and wasn't this amazing the power of women That he's been one of my better better friends. He didn't say best friend Oh, wow for eight years. How old is this girl? She's 21. Oh, this is getting creepy. Let's do the math So when he first started being friends with this guy His sister was 13 years old dude. Come on

That's fucking creepy. So at what point did you start looking at her like hey those titties are starting to come in there? Oh, jesus. Ah, I'm gonna have to shower after this one. But you know what I understand. I understand what happens Um for the better part of eight years and we went to high school and college together party got in trouble and all that other guy stuff And straight he's gonna put it right on the table. He goes. I want to bang her sister I want to bang his sister He goes I have known her since she was young and I am now 25 and she's 21 Okay, so when she was 13 you were 17 All right, and she's now a 21 year old lady

Oh Oh, this is filthy sir. This is filthy Did she still have braces the first time you saw? Anyways smoking hot. She's developed like she was welcome in the patriots offense. This guy is a creep Oh, this guy is a creep. I love you. I love you to death, sir He goes I ended up getting a number from the one time we hung out with their brother and several others So you're hanging out with his brother and on the side you're subtly hitting on her dude. You don't need me Listen, you're gonna bang this girl. You're the end of this email should be you just asking should I do it or should I not?

But as far as anything else If you're getting the fucking number Of one of your better friend's sister while he's two feet away You know waiting for his maybe it's his chance to shoot pool You know you go shoot some stick and you can get the number during that time You don't need my help in that department obviously all right So anyways the one time we hung out okay and with several others and she used my phone to take pictures and texted

Herself the pictures Oh, yeah, oh Jesus. This is a layup right here He goes I have not contacted her since because I am not sure what to do should I bang my friend's sister PS this friend has previously banged one of my other friend's sisters and has never told him Uh-oh the two wrongs make a right for me To bang my friend's sister. He wrote it in capital letters. Thanks and go fuck yourself All right, um Wow, there's a lot of there's a little fucking twist there in the end

So you're going to use your fucking dick is some sort of karmic Like balance in the sexual universe Carmically he does deserve this but not by you The fucking dude whose sister got banged He should go and fucking bang his sister and there's another thing too if this girl is as hot As you say she is you are running the risk that she's just a fucking narcissistic like Dick tease

And she's taking phones with your camera if your cell phone camera just because that's just what she fucking does This takes oh my god. Look how hot I am. Ah, look at this angle. Look at me doing this. Oh, I'm making the duck face, right? um Oh man I don't know what to tell you here, sir You could do the age-old rub one out Rub one out and then in the zen afterwards think about it if you still want to do it Then I'd say check your shoot and fucking

Jump out the back of the plane um You know what dude, this is on you because I don't you said you haven't said much about the guy You seem to have sort of like this is a guy that you've hung with but you don't seem to be Saying that you guys have a real strong friendship And he's kind of a dirtbag and banged one of your friends. You know what fucker do it Do it

Every once in a while I say go and do the dumb thing you're young enough By all means wear a fucking condom Uh It's just gonna be so fucking sneaky This is nothing too. All if all you want to do is banger if you have no feelings for it You are you are risking this fucking relationship And as you know, it's going to be hilarious Is when he comes running up to your house and you know, it's going to be raining out because whenever you find out your friend

Fucked your sister and you have to go beat the shit out of him. It's always raining out God helps you out So your your buddy who fucked your sister also doesn't see the tears in your eyes because it's pouring down raiding and you bang on that screen door Right bang on that fucking thing and he comes you fuck my sister get out of the front lawn and you guys roll around the mud punching each other Now you got to understand that like what is your out going to be there? Yeah, well you fucked so and so sister so it's even Does he know that you know that he fucked the other person's sister? This is like an episode of dallas

I say you do let me know this is the last question I have that kid you've known for eight years What is his martial art background? What if his when he gets into fights and bars does he have a tendency to bite somebody's ear off? Is he a maniac? Can you beat this guy if he jumps you in your own driveway? You know? You know what I don't know why Because I usually give good advice. I'm telling you right now This is a dumb thing to do, but I'm telling you to go out and go do it

Go on go do it. Fuck him. He banged your father buddy sister. Go ahead Make it all right with your dick Make the world right again with your dick Please give me a follow-up email. I want to know how it goes down. All right But this is the thing you got to let her jump in the boat. All right Make it be her fucking idea This is the deal the whole time you're doing just be like, you know, I don't know about this but ba ba ba

You know, I feel guilty because of yadda da da da and just let it be no It's okay. Let her fucking dive bomb down on your dick and then you're all right, right? I'm gonna tell you all of that advice came with the giant fucking asterisk Beyond that. I'm a moron and I'm not a therapist, but I'm telling you to step into the quicksand Because I think that you have the ability to make it to the other side I believe in you, sir Good luck At god bless

Um dilemma, what would you do for a billion dollars that you wouldn't do for a million? Um Not a lot. I'm not motivated by money to be honest with you. What would I do for a billion dollars? That I wouldn't do for a million. All right for a million dollars Now, you know what I gotta be honest if I wouldn't do it for a million that I wouldn't do it for a billion I could live off a million Is that tax-free by the way free and clear? Preen up and all that shit. That's my million

Let's see. What would I do for a million dollars? Would I eat dog shit? No I wouldn't humiliate myself You know, I I'm not motivated by money You know, I I'm not motivated my motivated by money You know what if I was still working in a warehouse unloading trucks that would be a good time to ask me that question All right, but I make enough money To pay my mortgage and get these banker cuts cuts off my back as soon as I can

Uh, you know what? I'm a happy guy Keep your money You can't buy this red-headed cunt I'm sorry. I know that you wanted a funnier answer than that, but I I don't have it I don't give a shit Once I once it's not worth the trouble. I've never understood those game shows That one rogan hosted what people were eating yak balls. It's like for what? Wow, wow, you know have a shred of fucking self-esteem

What's wrong with you you never do something for the money, you know, unless I look I'll do a bad stand-up gig For the money because I'm trying to pay down the house. I'll do that I mean, I would do that, but nobody's gonna give me a million dollars to do stand-up Ah, Jesus. We were doing so well. Let me see if I can make this one funny. Girlfriend's past Girlfriend's past Hey, Billy boy. I have I have I'm having problems. I'm having problems reading this, sir I'm having problems dealing with all the guys my girlfriend has fucked before me She's 17 and a senior in high school and she's been with four to five guys

All the way and blown more Now, why are you saying four to five? You know, if you've only fucked four or five people she ought to be able to remember all of them She'd she said my first girlfriend. I'm 18 Be easy there, buddy. Go easy. Is 17 considered underage because you get busted for statutory rape Uh, make sure she's legal He goes she's my first gay girlfriend. I'm 18, but I wasn't uh a virgin because Before because my neighbor forced me to have sex with her when I was five

What Sex with what Your little ding dong What was she doing Dude, that's fucking creepy. I didn't even know that's Anyways, she lost her virginity in a one night stand when she was 14 It just kills me every day that my virginity was stolen from me and she just gives hers away It doesn't help that she still goes to the same school as the guy

And while they don't really talk she fucked him again last summer A couple of months before we started dating. I feel like she's just let people use her and it really disgusts me I don't even know if I love her or if I even like her very much. Am I overreacting about her past or not? No, dude, what you're doing is you're tapping into how you feel about this girl And what you're looking for in a woman and this girl, isn't it? Okay, it's you know, hopefully whatever Happened to you didn't happen to her but um What would you do sir is you're fighting your self-esteem

Or discovering it. All right, listen to that voice Okay, this isn't the kind of woman that you're looking to be with so I would break up with her All right, and then get with the girl That hasn't fucked four to five guys that you're gonna pass on your way to math class All right That's the deal. All right, you sound like you've gone through some shit. I'd probably go to therapy over that one there You know, whatever the fuck happened to you and uh, but what's great is you've come out of this that you you

Are still tapped in what you're looking for in a girlfriend. You want you want, you know A great girl deserves a great guy and you sound like you're a great guy So go out there and get a great girl. That's what you should do. All right And be healthy human beings with one another. Okay Don't let what the fuck happened to you when you're five go down some dark sexual road that you pick these damaged girls That you relate to both of you probably need to go to therapy work some shit out All right, but she didn't write me you did so i'm telling you to do that and um Yeah, get yourself. Yeah the fuck is with my voice

Get a girl you're proud to be with that you want to bring home to your parents All right, that's the one There you go. All right, and that's it everybody That's the podcast for this week. I just got a couple of things. I got some announcements as far as where i'm gonna be This is actually a huge gig in my life um I've always wanted to work las vegas and I did it on the way up but the way vegas works is either uh

you know You're headlining a great room Or you're working some dump and I was always in some dump and it was a depressing place to be because when you're working a dump in las vegas, you know basically the uh You know you just see these gamblers that fucking they don't have any money and it's just it's it's fucking horrific So I was never able to Headline any place nice when I was out there Except when I I toured with uh jimmy norton jim brewer and uh david tell so this is the first time

I'm actually gonna go get to go out there and headline a major casino I'm gonna be at the mirage casino may 17th and may 18th in las vegas nevada I'm obviously beyond honored to be out there and um I love it if you guys came out showed up took a trip to vegas or whatever. I believe there's still a few tickets left and um And later on in the month i'm gonna do a nice east coast run Count basie theater in red bank new jersey may 29th May 30th

I'm gonna be at the I hope I say this right mayor hoff symphony hall in baltimore maryland May 31st the state theater center for the arts in eastern pennsylvania And on june 1st. I have two shows at the borgata casino in spa in atlantic city new jersey, so uh Please come out there I believe on that trip that new jersey swing is going to be the one and only the teen idol sensation Joe de rosa who has a half hour comedy central special debuting. I believe this weekend

on comedy central Please email uh tweet joe de rosa facebook him find out when his half hour specialist Please watch his special because how comedy central works is is if the ratings are beyond a certain point They're gonna keep showing it and uh, joe's one of the great guys Both on and off business and would be really great if you guys would uh If you check out his special and with that We are down to the final And

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

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