Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-7-15

Episode Date: May 7, 2015

Bill rambles the Cry Baby Colts, killing chickens and the world of nothing.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and I'm just checking in on ya. On a Thursday afternoon. What's going on? How are ya? I am, uh, as you're listening to this, I'm probably already on an airplane. I like sugar spies with pain and music is my aeroplane. Is that the fucking album that, uh, the chili peppers they don't like? I like that album. I'm a little pee. I love the skies and the trees. I like it right until he goes, you homophobic red egg. Then he just sounds like he should be beaten with his bass and I like fleet. But that's one of the lines. I was with him right up until then. And then I was just kind of like, you know, fleet, maybe just maybe do you ever think maybe you're bringing it on yourself just a little bit? Um, anyways, so this is the

Thursday afternoon podcast. It's just a quickie just a little half hour, just a half hour on payday, at least old school payday, at least payday when I was a kid. I think before me, you know, those people used to sew their own pants together. They used to get paid in like lambs and like cheap and shit whenever. And then after them, then people got those little bowler caps, those fucking clockwork orange things. And then they got paid on Fridays and then at some point it moved to Thursday. And that's when all freckles came down the pike. I'd like to unload some trucks, right? Next thing you know, I'm getting paid on a Thursday. So I assumed that that's the way it was going to be. Um, but unfortunately, uh, they moved it back to Friday.

I don't fucking know why. I have no idea. God knows. God knows it wasn't for the working man, right? They were always just fucking over the working man every goddamn day. I don't know nothing about no robbery. Um, so anyways, I just fuck around on this one. And basically the last half of the podcast that play a little bit of greatest hits, you know what I mean? Get you over the fucking hump day there. Uh, before I get started, um, speaking of started, I'm on my way to Boston here, you know, for my, my, my, um, homecoming. I'm going to wear one of those little crowns and a sash. I'm playing the fucking Wilbur. I'm doing it from, uh, what the hell am I doing? Let me check out my, uh, my pit bulls calendar here in the corner. Like I'm fucking nine years old. Oh, look

at those cuties jumping through the little fucking thing together, right? Enjoying themselves, not trying to kill each other. No sign of Michael Vick or anybody with the fucking neck tattoo there. They live in the life. I am there from this Saturday, May 8th until Tuesday. Hang on. Tuesday the fucking 19th, Tuesday the 19th. I'm doing like a week and a half run, two shows every night. Um, doing the Wilbur run. So, uh, it's going to be great. I got a bunch of family and friends coming out. It's going to be like a mini high school reunion on some nights, some of my old drinking buddies and people I went to school with. It's going to be a, uh, it's going to be a phenomenal time. But, uh, if you can't make it up to Boston,

you can't jump in your car, can't get on a plane, but you live in the New York city area. I have a show that you should go to, right? Why would you want to come see me when you want to see somebody on their way up, right? You don't see some fat pasty freckled jerk off. It was just a little bit too impressed with himself. Why would you want to watch that for an hour when you can actually go to a show and be like, Hey, I saw them when that's always the best, right? Those fucking old hippies be like, yeah, I saw Hendrix with like fucking five people, you know, just fucking, uh, he walked up. He's like, yeah, can you string my guitar? Yeah, you know, he seemed cool, whatever. Um, you want to fucking go down there before they get famous.

That's what you want to do. So you can seem cool. Like you knew what the fuck was up. All right. Why don't you go to the Gotham comedy club this weekend with this monster show, New Jersey zone, the pride of Trenton at Paul Versey. Is that his name now? Paul Versey, Rose Bowl, tailgate legend, the dawn himself. All right. From Pittsburgh via San Francisco, Joe Bartnick, and then rounding it out. All right. First generation Greek, Yannis Pappas. You got three headliners for the price of fucking one at the Gotham comedy club did perform on Friday and Saturday night. Tickets are going fast, which I knew they were going to. I'm just trying to help the boys sell it out. Uh, push the last few over to great fucking club and, uh, the Missilees who

run it are just the salt of the earth fucking people. They got so many someday somebody's going to do a fucking documentary on them and, um, Steve and Chris Missilee and, uh, I'm telling you, they just fucking, I don't know. Chris Missilee's got some of the most classic fucking lines ever. The shit that he's said to people. He doesn't take any shit. If you come in there and you're a fucking prima donna, he just fucking gives it to you straight. He's not even a fucking asshole about it. All right. He just in the most eloquent dapper way ever. If it's a dapper, if there's a possible way in a dapper way to tell somebody that they're being a cunt, Missilee can do it with one eyebrow. You know, he's looking down at his shit and you fucking come

in there with your fucking, you know, Diana Ross and the Supreme's vibe and he will just fucking lift an eyebrow up and look at you. And that's it. You just immediately, you immediately know that you're out of line, but if you're a sweetheart and he doesn't need to do that, the guy will treat you like a fucking king. So please go down and check out that show if you can. All right, enough with the horn it out. Let's get into what the fuck we want. I want to talk about this week. All right. As I keep an eye on game three of the Canadians Tampa Bay taping this on Wednesday, first period has ended Canadian zero lightning one huge game, huge game does Tampa Bay put their foot right on the throat of those silly sock wearing Montreal Canadians, or does

Canadian crawl back into this series, reaching back into time when they used to be successful to draw some inspiration. Fuck the white car. I don't have a dog in the fight. I'm actually enjoying I'm actually enjoying all the hockey that I've been watching. I can't even like watch the Canadians and hate them right now because we're not even in the fucking when I've been in it. So I'm actually watching the game. I'll see PK do something I go on. I'll just inadvertently be like nice play. I'm like, what am I doing? So anyways, fuck the world of sports for a second. Let's get into the world of nothing that actually includes the world of sports today. So evidently, there was still investigating the under inflated balls. Remember that game the Patriots won like fucking

nine years ago way back in January. Do you remember that? Let me refresh your memory. They won 45 to seven. Okay. And at the end of the game, Jim Ursay said that's what he said. A grown man said that at the end of the game. He had the nerve to say that we cheated a man who sits on the rules committee of the NFL and on numerous occasion has changed rules that were advantageous for his own fucking team because he couldn't beat those Patriots from New England. He did that fucking 10 years ago. They cheated. They were covering our receivers too hard. And then Peyton Manning made a fucking tape. They wind about that after the game. They wind about it during the Super Bowl. They wind about it at the fucking Pro Bowl. Peyton Manning brought that shit up. And then at the draft,

they were still crying about it. And next thing you know, there's this new fucking rule saying that all you can do is escort people down the fucking goddamn turf. And next thing you know, all the damn Marino's records have fallen left and right. And lo and behold, the Colts finally beat the fucking Patriots and went a goddamn Super Bowl. And that's when old freckles here said, wait a minute, why the fuck did they change that? What kind of fucking poll does this guy have? One fucking owner complains, they make a tape, they wind for a couple of months, and all of a sudden, the entire game of covering a receiver gets changed. Who sits on this rule committee? And one name stuck out like that fucking Oliver Stone JFK movie, who's sitting there dressed

in drag with a powdered fucking wig talking to Joe Pesci with lipstick on his fucking lips? Huh? Oh, Jim Hersey, this fucking jerk off is sitting here whining about the New England Patriots. First of all, the ball, okay, if they were under inflated, right? Like they're suggesting. I don't even know what they're saying, because they keep going like Tom Brady, he could know, he could possibly, there's no proof. But we think he might have done it. Do you know how fast you would get laughed out of court? If that was your opening argument? Yeah, your honor, on the night in question, we are, we are proliferating that the defendant in the proximity over there that wooden table could possibly have been involved in something that

he didn't do, but maybe knew about. And we would like to press forward with this trial and waste more fucking time and money. Now granted, having absolutely no fucking proof, what's so fucking ever, what's so a fucking ever has never stopped sports talk radio or ESPN from marching ahead. They'll be like, there's no proof we can't say it. But having said that, if this is true, what does this say? What is, what does this say? Sorry thing, turn up. What does this say about his legacy? What does this say about the game, about competition? What does it say? What is this going to do? What does it say to the children? This is how you do sports talk radio. And all they're doing is staring at the phone lines to try

to get it lit up. And the more it doesn't light up the bigger they go. What does it say about how we conduct our foreign affairs with ISIS? I mean, if you can have a ball that isn't fully inflated, what's to say that ISIS isn't right off the shore in a sub that they bought off of the Russians? We're taking calls right now, 1-800 who gives a fuck here on Fox Sports West. First caller, Michael from Indianapolis. Yeah, you know, I sit on a farm every day jerking my dick, waiting for my pigs to fuck a chicken. And I think Tom already knew about it. You do. You do think he knew about it. And do you have any sort of football background beyond watching your pig fucking a chicken? Is there any sort of sports professional or possibly

just down at the Y? I play Taylor Lee Wings one time. I like playing a cornhole and, you know, playing horseshoes every once in a while. We got the time, you know, but you know, the banks were really trying to foreclose my property here. So I don't know, man, I'm just kind of mad. My team lost. And if there's any fucking excuse, I can make six months later. I mean, shit, I'll call it. Shit, man, I'll throw some fucking manure on that fire. I'll do it. Fuck it. We're taking all calls here. That's all they're gonna fucking do. There's absolutely fucking, there's nothing going on here. It's over. You know, I want to tip my cap here that I'm not wearing to fucking Seattle for just saying, Hey, great game. You know, we threw it, Malcolm Butler fucking jumped around

and you beat us. You know what? But you know what, we're gonna come back next year and we're gonna try to kick your fucking ass. So I hope you guys hope you work out this weekend, this fucking off season. You know, that's what a team of men does. Okay, that's what they do. But when your fucking owner is up there with the goddamn wearing adult diapers and has a rattle. That's what they do. Underinflated fucking ball. This is a funny thing too, because they said, well, we noticed it by the half. And then we had the fully inflated balls and we scored even more points and kicked their ass even worse. I don't, I gotta tell you something, man. I don't know what I don't know what the Patriots have done. I don't know what the fuck they did to these people.

Okay. And it's really only two people. It's fucking Jim Marseille and it's fucking what's his face there. Tony Manjini Manjini, who you by the way, you notice is completely out of football, completely out of fucking football. Did you see when he tried to commentate about it on ESPN? He sounded dumber than I did. And this guy actually coached a team who the fuck would hire him as a head coach that J E T S jet jet jet. Um, anyways, you know, give me a fucking break. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry we won again. And by we, I mean the Patriots. I don't have a dog in this fucking fight, but have at it all you guys on Twitter and all you people in sports bars. If you want to say what you say, I don't give a fuck. He's got the rings. If you want to whine about some

under inflated fucking balls, if you want to bitch, I mean, you know what's the dumbest thing ever is that don't film the teams on the sidelines, but there's nothing to say you can't do it up in the booth. There's no rule against that. I hope you guys realize that there isn't as far as I know, as far as what I've overheard in sports bars. There isn't. I remember when that shit was going on. I was did, I went to a football game in Georgia and I met somebody that used to play for one of the teams. I'm not saying Georgia or the other team, not trying to get anybody troubled and he laughed. He goes, dude, we used to do that shit all the fucking time. I love how people just think like, all you got to do is just film somebody and you're going to win four super

balls. Just under inflate the fucking ball. Dude, do you realize if that was a guaranteed victory? Let's just say under inflating the ball in an AFC championship game or just in a professional football game in general would cause you to beat a better team 45 to seven. What the fuck do you think they would be doing every game? You know, when the fucking coach, when he runs in during halftime, as he was sitting there talking to the reporter, you know, you know, they always have the fucking little lady out there coach, you know, you're dead by 17 points. You haven't scored. You've punted every play that you didn't. You didn't turn the ball over. What would you like to do in the second half? Well, you know,

we'd probably like to stop doing that shit and put some points on the board. They have fucking cutie pie, right? And in the meanwhile, you'd hear in the background, they would just be letting, you know, I know what we're going to do in the second half. We're going to let, we're going to let a half a fucking cunt hair out of the ball. And all of a sudden our fuck, we're going to beat these guys. We're going to score 45 points to this seven. Give me a fucking break. All right. Jesus Christ. You know, we can't really prove that, that he did it. Look at this. Eric Walden, uh, Colt's linebacker told TMZ that it's gross that Tom Brady would resort to cheating. He hasn't been, there's nothing that proves that he did anything.

Wells report stated it was more probable than not that the Patriots core back was at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities. Dude, this is the most vague horseshit ever. It's unfortunate that they did this, but there's still the chance. What a fucking good Lord. You got to give them credit. They did it and they got away with it and they won the Super Bowl. Is this fucking Walden guy serious? You lost 45 to fucking seven. Wow. Can I, can I actually, uh, how about you guys? Can you guys, you guys who aren't Colt's fans or a Patriots haters, can you guys maybe update the Patriot, uh, the Colt's logo to, I don't know, maybe put like one of those little baby bonnets on it and a fucking rattle.

Yeah. That's what it is. Everybody, uh, they've been under, under, uh, deflating balls for the last 15 years and they finally got caught because, uh, Tom Brady is actually, he really is a six round pick and he absolutely stinks and all those throws that you saw make, you know what? Most of the people in the stand could make them. If you just under inflated it, just a little bit. It's incredible. It's absolutely incredible. And then, uh, Andrew Luck, who had the disadvantage of playing with the ball that weighed the same as every other ball he's ever thrown in his fucking professional career, you know, because it was the right weight that caused him to throw pick sixes and incomplete passes and all of that. It's because of the weight of the ball.

See, a lot of people don't know that it really has nothing to do with athletic ability. What it really has to do is what the ball weighs and all you need to do is just take a little bit of air out of it. And all of a sudden you'll beat the Colt so bad that you actually beat Seattle. Isn't that incredible? That's what, that's the level of cheating that's going on here right now. In fact, what I'm going to do during my run of dates out here is, uh, I'm going to little, let a little bit of air out of the theater so people get a little lightheaded and I'll see them, they'll get a little high and I'll see them even funnier. Meanwhile, I'll secretly have, you know, pure oxygen going up my fucking nose. That's what I'm going to do this weekend, you know,

and then maybe someday, uh, next comedy stop across the street will investigate it. All right, let's get off this dumb subject. By the way, I am playing the Wilbur Theater and what's great about that is, uh, doing this whole run of dates is my comedy career started right across the street on Warrington Street. Nick's comedy stop, March 2nd, 1992. Sorry about the phone there. 1992. And, to be right across the street is pretty cool. I swear to God, if there is a show at Nick's comedy stop, you know, that I can run over and do a quick five minutes, I'm going to try to do it. Um, but anyways, I want to thank everybody that's come out and, uh, that's actually, you know, bought all these tickets and everything. It's really insane. And, um, oh, I'm coming with

a poster. Oh, you know, I am, and I'm bringing my fucking A game. It'd be nice to be around some Patriots fans who actually fucking, I can't say only Patriots fans because there's so many sports fans that I know are just sitting there going to do this is fucking ridiculous, but I know people hate the Patriots. So they'll try to say that's why they won. Yeah. So all you guys out in the West who can't beat Seattle these last two years, what you want to do is right before you play them, deflate the ball a little bit in the first half, win 45 to seven against an incredible opponent, and then somehow you beat Seattle. That's all you have to do. And then you too, you will have a ring and I want to commend the Colts for, uh, you know, for never cheating on any level, no gamesmanship

whatsoever. They've always been on the up and up over there. And, uh, you know, I'm surprised they don't have those little Girl Scout sashes going across them. I mean, they're just so on the up and up and wholesome Indianapolis, Indiana, Indiana in general. What a great state, you know what I mean? Still keeping the clan alive, despite the fact that they're up north. I mean, that's, that's, that's a special kind of hatred. Um, all right. Anyways, you know, one of the cool things about traveling and meeting other people is, uh, is, uh, just, I don't know, I grabbed like newspapers and shit like that. I got to find this fucking thing. I was sitting there reading like, you know, I'm one of these fucking liberal cunts out here. I'm not really, I thought I was liberal until

I moved out here, but I'm sort of a, uh, I don't know, Jay Lawhead, I'm not going to say when he calls himself because I don't want to get him in trouble, but like liberal is in there, but it's actually a funny way. He defines himself, but, um, I don't know. I'm one of those guys where I, I, I, you know, I call people cons, but, you know, I'm also interested in having chickens in my backyard, you know, growing my own food, right? I don't fucking know. I like V eight engines, but I also drive a Prius. I'm a fucking weirdo, man. I'm all over the, I'm all over the fucking map. Um, so anyway, so I saw this thing says mother hen raising backyard chickens teaches life lessons. And this was at the Hamburg journal. And I can't remember if I got this and I got in Kentucky,

Lexington, Kentucky, uh, where I had the great time where the Searsucker suit had an awesome fucking show and they really treated us right out there. So I'm reading this thing and this woman, this lady, she did what I did. She watched one of these, uh, you are what you eat or a fucking, food ink and, you know, basically bought into it. The way I did where I saw it was like, holy shit, I gotta make sure I go down to a farmer's market and, um, get myself some, you know, some shit that doesn't have a little bit of cancer spray on it, which I get. I mean, I kind of get with it. Dude, when you got to feed seven billion people, I mean, you got to take out some bug spray. That's just, just how it works. But I'm trying to lessen the bug spray. So I did that maybe for

about three days and it was, it was really hard. It was really hard. And I quit, you know, you know, like a lot of these women who consider themselves feminists, like, oh my God, I'm a feminist. No, you know what you really did? Life was hard and you quit. And now you're looking for a scapegoat. I'm not saying all of them, but I'm talking about the bottom feeders, you know, the ones I'm talking about, right? The ones that want the world to buy them a drink and then give them the credit. Those ones, you know, the ones who don't think that they just think being a guy is easy and you don't have to work for anything. You just walk in and gumdrops fall from the fucking ceiling. Oh, you got a dick. What dream would you like to have come

true today? Right? Anyways, so this woman actually was like, she went the whole fucking way. She actually planted a garden. Granted, she had a fucking yard. She planted a garden, but still raised all raised all this grew all this fucking food. The kids loved it and all that. So then at one point, she's just like, all right, fucking, I'm going to get chickens. And, you know, the chickens lay the eggs and they started selling to the neighbors and all that type of shit. Now here's something I did not realize because I actually was thinking like, you know, if actually had the space or something, I'd love to have some fucking chickens running around a goddamn goat. You know, you fucking bend over to pick up the morning paper. He comes in

and sends you across the yard next thing you're fucking wrestling with it, huh? Sweeping his four legs. Having a great time. A little farm action in the city. This is something I didn't know is that chickens after a while can't lay any more eggs, right? Like they went through menopause or something. Sorry, ladies. I'm just, you know, whatever. I'm, you know, I never took any of those fucking biology classes. Help me out here. So anyways, their kids love the chickens and everything. So what happens is once the chicken can't lay eggs anymore, that's when you got to make a decision. What am I going to do with this fucking thing? Right? Does it come in TV, sit next to me and ask me for the fucking clicker? Or do I take this thing out?

So let me just read a little bit. She said, she goes, this is the middle of the story. She said, my daughter does her part to, it's her job to pick through the leftovers and food scraps and toss them out to the chickens. Soon after I assigned her that job, the chickens learned to come running whenever they saw her because they knew she had something for them. But blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She wants to treat them as pets. Though I warn her that chickens are for making food, first eggs and then one day meat, because Hen stop laying at some point and I'm not running a chicken retirement home. This is so refreshing to read because I would never read this in LA. This person would get tarred and feathered. This woman's like, you, you're not pets. They're

fucking food. Make me some goddamn eggs. And when they're done, I'm lopping your fucking head off and where I'm a chicken dinner. So anyways, she goes, I've only had to kill one chicken for meat before. Two I killed because they were suffering from injuries and it was kinder. That chicken was death beak. That's what she named him. So named by my husband because she was jet black with beady red eyes and looked like trouble from the get go. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, let me get to this stuff. So anyways, she could have paid. So anyway, so the moment of truth comes this fucking thing's not laying any more eggs and she's got to take it out, right? She's got to stick an ice pick in the back of his head. I thought it never shut up. So she goes, I could have hired

a guy to do it for me for five bucks. All right, let that roll around your fucking head for a second. There's somebody in Lexington, Kentucky, who's five bucks ahead just goes a remix five bucks to kill a chicken every day. You know what I mean? That's like when that's in Kentucky, that's like an Uber driver. You work, I work whenever I want, you know, I just fucking turn on the app and they tell me to come out and go kill a couple of chickens, five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. I'm at one damn at $127. I got a $2 tip and I ain't telling you for what, but I'll tell you right now, I still rub one out to it. So anyways, she goes, I could have hired a guy to do it for me for five bucks, she goes, but I'm not squeamish. So I decided to do it myself. The kind of thing that made this

country great, right? You get up, you put your pants on one leg at a time, you go out, you murder somebody else that's in the way. You don't hire somebody else to do your dirty work, right? My grandfather laughed, my grandmother laughed herself sick when I confessed that I had learned how to do the deed, basically kill the chicken from an ultra, ultra crunchy YouTube video called respectful chicken harvest. And yes, we will have a link. But it did, it did at least show me the ropes. When I announced that death beak was about to meet her doom, the kids were appalled for about a hot minute. Then they remembered how mean she was and weren't so sad after that. This isn't a fucking regular publication. They insisted on sticking around to watch.

When I wasn't trying to avoid getting clawed in the face by a chicken's death throes. I watched the kids faces. So basically, when she's holding this fucker down, lopping its goddamn head off or choking it out, whatever she's doing, passing its guard, as far as I can tell, she's occasionally glancing over at her kids. This is like some fucking, what's that show about the castle and the little cunty kid runs it and he puts people to death. Fuck, what's it called? Lord of the Flies Lies. Give me back my crown. Dude, are you watching? Are you watching Lord of the, Lord of the Rings? What is it called? Come on, everybody fucking loves that show. Uganda Queen. I can't remember what it's called. I want to watch it. Medieval times.

You know what it is. It's on fucking cable. They're in their last scene, right? There's a dragon or some shit, I think. Anyways, she thought, can't please, got the little fella there. Fucks all the women. Crushing it. Full head of hair. He's got that fucking Eddie Rabbit beard. I love a rainy night. Why do I keep thinking Lord of the Rings? I can't get it out of my head. Fuck. All right. Anyways, she said, I asked her if she wanted to stop eating meat. Oh, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Sorry. I missed this thing. I looked at the kids' faces. I could see how deeply it affected my daughter in particular. Yes, you're fucking murdering this chicken. She had never seen an animal die before. She never saw you

kill one either. I could see the awareness of mortality shadowing across her face. She cried at bedtime and said she hated that death beak had to die. I hate that death beak had to die. You could have given a more sympathetic name. I asked her if she wanted to stop eating meat because all meat comes from animals who must die for us to eat. She thought carefully and said she still wanted to eat meat. So we lay there late into the night and talked about the food chain and informed choices. My son was far more practical about it. When I interviewed him for this story, he shrugged and said, at first I was sad, but then I was okay because that was some good chicken and dumplings. See right there? Isn't that great? That's why you travel around. I swear to God,

man. If anybody out here in Hollywood fucking ever did that with a chicken, held the fucking thing down. It's its fucking legs. Fucking freaking out. You got your kids watching it. You probably get arrested, at least down here in Los Angeles. You get a little bit north to Bakersfield, in between San Francisco and Los Angeles, Reagan country where they're growing the food and they're actually dealing with the fucking drought as opposed to the crunch down here, myself included, trying to take a shower. Can we get Fiji water? Put it into our fucking shower. Anyways, I just thought that that was interesting. Like just to read it and do you think he could do it? Do you think he could kill a chicken? I could fucking kill a chicken.

I just take out a meat cleaver. I would. You got to get like those fucking psycho gloves. Like I'm picking up something crazy that could scratch me. You just got a fucking bomb. Bam. Really quick. I would think, you know what? I'm going to watch that fucking video. Anyways, whatever the fuck do you want from me? You know, I was just checking in. I had a great day today, everybody. I took the, I'm getting ready to get my my pilot's license here and I today I had the written examination. The one I've been studying for for like the last month, 600 questions of which they snag 60. And you know, you got to get a 70 or better. You know, sounds a little bit easier than it is, but there's all kinds of math and charts and all this

fucking density, altitude and fucking wind correction angle and all of this shit. And you know me. Okay, you guys have heard me read out loud right there. Right there. You know how hard I was struggling with this shit. So I studied, you know, for the last couple of weeks and even on the bus tour, I'd go in the back of the bus and I would just go, I got, I got to put my two hours in and I took it today and obviously I passed or I wouldn't have fucking brought it up. So I'm psyched. Although the couple of things, I got an 85. I wanted to get the 90. I got an 85 and I fucked up a couple of those. I'm not good at that. You know, taking out the little fucking slide rule and graphing shit. I, you know, I just blew it off. It was on my computer screen.

I'm like, I wouldn't have asked me like one or two of those and it was like fucking three of them. So anyway, so I passed that. So the next thing I got to do is I got to, I got to talk to one of the representatives from the FAA and he grills me for an hour. And if I pass that, then I go out and fly. And that happens on the same day. And if I do that, bang, bang, boom, I got it. So that's what the fuck I'm up to after my show. So that's what I'll be doing during the day when I'm in Boston, you can eat the food. No, I'll be studying my fucking ass off and saying the shit out loud. So it sounds like I know what I'm talking about. You know what I mean? As opposed to being like, ah, yeah, um, wait, that's a translational lift

when the coming out of a heart. I don't sound like a fucking moron. I just want to be like, you know, what kills me is where what I'm taking this thing is they have so many students from China. They opened up something over there where I guess they wouldn't let people fly. Now anybody, you know, not anybody, but, you know, way more people can do it. And they had an overflow of people in their schools couldn't handle it. So these kids fly all the way over to Los Angeles and in a second language, not only learn how to fly a helicopter, but sit down across from some hard-nosed person from the FAA that's not going to put you in the air. If you don't pass the test, they do this in a second language. And every time I see

him, like, I just feel like such a pussy. I'm just like, could I go to, can I go to Beijing? Right? You know, I mean, not Hong Kong where they actually speak English, you know, a lot. Could I go into mainland China and fucking learn how to fly a helicopter? I mean, fucking unreal. You know, the instructors are amazing. I was like, some of them can't even speak English that well. I'm like, so if they can't understand you, like, how do you communicate? And this one guy goes, they understand tone. That fucking killed me because I know goddamn well, if I was in China, and the fucking dude's talking to me, I can't understand him. And all of a sudden he goes,

I know to be like, Hey, you got controls, buddy. But the terrifying thing is, it's like, I know I'm doing something wrong, but what? Fuck. You'd have to immediately learn no stop. Oh my God. What the fuck? That's the first fork spray. If I was learning how to fly a helicopter in China, those are first four things that I would learn how they say that. And if anybody who speaks Chinese can tell me spell it out phonetically, I would love to learn it. I would love to fucking learn it just I don't know for what it'll, it'll come up at some point, some point, you're gonna need to say that, right? The next time you're in China, or fucking Chinese food, it's taking a while.

You'd be like, Oh my God, what the fuck? After you just ordered an English, you could hit them with that in Chinese. They can't tell me not getting a laugh there. Anyways, all right, before I get out of here, Bombas socks, everybody. Chances are, if you have some fucking feet, you like to wear nice soft socks and face it. It says chances are, if you have feet, sorry, I want a little Johnny Mathis there and face it. Socks haven't changed since they were invented. They fall down, they wear out, and they always, and there's always that toe seam that's never in the right place. Our new fucking sponsor, Bombas has changed all of that. Bombas dedicated two years to engineering

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With every pair of socks Bombas sells, a pair is donated to someone in need. Because socks, as it turns out, are the number one requested item at homeless shelters. Well, I hope to send it some over to India after that earthquake. Speaking of which, I'm doing a benefit tonight. Hang on one second. Right now, and for a limited time, Bombas is offering my listeners 20% off their first order and free shipping. Just go to bombas.com slash burr, all lower cases. Do it now. Do it now. For 20% off the most comfortable socks on the planet and a pair for someone in need, go to bombas.com slash burr. That's bombas.com, B-O-M-B-A-S.com slash burr. Or they could poke up somebody homeless here. I think a lot of times we're always thinking about people in other

countries. But you know what? I had such a great time in Mumbai, India, and it was awful to see what happened over there as always. So, Jen Apatow put together a benefit tonight at Largo. And actually, by the time you hear this, it's going to be over. But it sold out. We made a bunch of money. We made some money. I can't say a bunch of money. The amount of money that's going to take to fix that. But I had a great time and they really treated me right over there and met a bunch of great comics. So, it's good to be able to do something. All right. That is it. That's the podcast for this week. Not the podcast for this week. I'm just checking in on you. All right? You guys have a nice fucking weekend, you cunts. And here's a little throwback from back in the day,

back when I was a little younger. A little smarter. Had a little more fuzz on top of my head. But I'm on the stage. I don't know. You know what? This podcast fucking sucks. I'm going to call it out before you guys. This podcast is just sucked this week. All right? I'm all over the fucking place. I'm fucking exhausted. It's a goddamn holiday week. You guys, how hard are you working this week? You know? Hasn't somebody come in and brought a pie in? Somebody's wearing an awful brown and orange Thanksgiving sweater. You know? Maybe it's your manager to show that he has a human side. You know? It's not the worst when you hate your fucking boss and then around the holidays,

all of a sudden he just lets up a little bit and tries to act nice. You know? Or it's a female. She gets a little bit nicer, you know? And the whole time she's sitting there wishing you a happy Thanksgiving. You just want to fucking kick her right in the box. You know? But you can't. You fucking can't. Well, that was sad. What the fuck is it? It's one to one, 15, 15 minutes left in the third period. You know, one of the hardest things to do, I think, is to be an announcer for hockey, you know, that they took, taken out the red line. The fucking game, you break your neck sitting there watching the fucking game. That's why I like it, watching it on TV is because I don't have to keep turning my head. The camera, the camera moves for me. It does all the work. What I'm literally out

of shit to say. You know, I feel like right now, that's how bad this podcast is. When you bomb as a comedian, this that works. When, when, when shit is going great, when everything you say is killing, when you're on stage, basically what happens is, is you've done about 20 minutes of material and you look down at your watch and your watch says you've been up there for 55 minutes. That's when you know that you're fucking killing. And conversely, when you're bombing, you will do an hours worth of material in 17 minutes. And all you have left is your closing bit. And you look down at your watch and you realize that you've been on stage for just under 20 minutes. And you're like, wow, now what the fuck am I doing? You know, your mouth gets dry. That's when you start going

into the crowd. Hey, you know, so what's there to do around here in Raleigh, North Carolina, huh? Look at this guy over here, huh? What do you do, sir? Oh, you're a plumber, really? Oh, so I bet your buttcrack is always show, uh, fucking kill me. You know, you just, you just fucked. Hey, I've got a round of applause for the wait staff. You know, keep it going for him, you know, and I just want to thank all you guys for showing up. I know it's a recession. I appreciate, uh, you know, how about a hand for the troops? You know, you know, whether you support going to war or not, you know, these kids are out there that laying down their lives and they're away from their families in Thanksgiving this week. I

think we should all sit back and give thanks and be appreciative that I've already done an hour's worth of fucking jokes and you cunts haven't left in anything. So now I'm technically in overtime, even though contractually, I already, I owe you like another 40 minutes of fucking comedy. You know, and let's not forget all the people who have died in boating accidents this year. You know, a lot of people don't know that boating accidents is one of the leasing leading causes of death when human beings are out in the ocean. And you start remembering jokes from the early part of your act and you start telling them, you know, you know, they did a study the other day. They said, you know, 90% of shark attacks

actually happened in shallow water. No shit. That's where the people are. It's called the fucking beach. Oh, one of the people swimming to Europe. Let's go to France. You pussies. Oh, you like that joke? That's a joke for my act in 2001. I'm gonna do fucking old jokes for my act. What else did I used to fucking do? I already did one of my original jokes. You guys see these rap group crisscross? Warm it up, Chris. Warm it up, Chris. Hey, go to bed, Chris. What do you like, nine years old? Oh, oh my God, I had horrible jokes. These two jokes about working in a dental office. Hey people, I got news for you. Six years of neglect is not cured by a tic-tac in the waiting

room. Hey, huh? You guys ready for your next act? Too bad. I still got another 30 minutes to do. Ladies, back me up, huh? Guys are crazy, right? I mean, you know, we don't give a shit. That's gonna need to search in for shit to say whatever. But I'm, it's great to be here in Raleigh. You know what I mean? It's got, you know, you come out here to Raleigh, you know, they got a mall. All right, folks, I'm like a laddie. I'm out of jokes. I wish you could just do that and just fucking become honest. I'm out of fucking material. I don't know what the fuck you guys want from me. I've actually been talking about this shit on stage and I don't give a fuck because it's such

a topical bit. I don't even know if people are going to think it's funny in a month, but can we please talk about fucking Bill O'Reilly going on the view? I gotta, I gotta tell you something right now. I don't like that guy's politics. I don't like his face. He has, he has that racist face. You know, his, when he gets mad, his fucking, his face gets pointy. He just looks evil. He's just not a pleasant human being whatsoever. But I gotta tell you, he fucking destroyed on the view. You know, and I, somewhere in there was a victory for men because he took on four fucking women. They were all yelling and he got two of them to walk off their own fucking show. How do you do that? As a comedian, I was embarrassed that two standup comedic comics just quit,

which is why I'm nominating Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg as douchebags of the week. What, what did you think was going to, do you think he was going to go? No, wait, don't leave. That's exactly what the fuck he wanted you to do. I was actually hoping at that point that the other two women were going to leave and then he could just start hosting the O'Reilly factor on the view. That would have been, he just totally 100% dominated at the very least that segment because I don't, I don't watch that fucking show. But just, he just came on. First of all, he sits down. He's got on that shiny fucking Joe Pesci suit. It's difficult to say Joe Pesci suit. And he's got his fucking leg spread like with his ball bag hanging, his shiny ball bag. He looked like, if you ever

see like when Kennedy debated Nixon, how, if you listen to it on the radio, how everybody said Nixon won, but if you watched it on TV, Nixon was all tanned up. He had his legs crossed. He looked like a winner. And Nixon sat there with his fucking legs splayed and crossed like underneath the chair. He looked like a fucking moron. That's what Bill O'Reilly looked like. And he just, he still dominated. I love when he turned to joy and was just whatever, I'm paraphrasing here, but he was just like, be quiet and learned. And she had nothing, a fucking stand up comic. She had nothing. The whole segment was fucking hilarious. And when he goes, another gem of a moment was when he goes, you know, a lot of people don't realize this, but 70% of Americans

don't want a mosque at ground zero. And joy goes, she goes, well, I'd like to see that, that poll or something like, and as she's saying that the crowd is applauding what Bill O'Reilly just said. So you really don't need to see the poll at that point. And, and getting beyond that, what he really should have said was 70% of Americans don't realize that they're not building a mosque at ground zero still, that they're actually making a wreck room with a ping pong table in an area to pray, kind of like they have an area to pray at every fucking airport, you know, three, four blocks up the street at a goddamn coat factory is where it's actually being built. But the fact that he said that they're still building a mosque and then he got an applause

break, joy is so wrapped up into her own fucking opinion that she doesn't even hear her own studio audience back up the guy that she's trying to shit on. And the fact that this fucking guy is still putting out inaccurate information that people are still back and I mean, it just was fucking awesome on all of those levels. And I like how Barbara Walters was old school cool, and she didn't walk off. She gave those two douchebags of the week shit for walking off their own show. And then she got him with a nice little classy zinger. He said, Bill O'Reilly is on here this week. When we come back, we're going to talk, or he's on the show today, we're going to when we come back, he's going to talk about his new book called Pinheads and Patriots. And then she looked

at Bill and she goes at this point, I, I'm not sure which you are or something like that. It was a great little zinger, but she wasn't like judging the guy. I don't know that the whole thing was funny and just how Bill O'Reilly is is is viewed as this intolerant person. And then he comes on the show of I guess mostly liberals. And then they show absolutely no tolerance for him and then throw a fucking tamper tantrum and walk off their own goddamn show. I mean, you can't tell me everybody over at Fox News wasn't literally jerking off to that moment. Bill O'Reilly almost became a fucking rock star in that moment. That was that was like a stand up comic moment that he did to two comedians, which blew my mind. You know, and I know I'm always trash in the broads on this show.

But that really was a chick way of handling losing an argument. Like I'm just going to get off up in storm. He is so used to people paying for your drinks and holding the goddamn door for you. You actually thought that as an adult that you were just going to walk off the show. And this was going to be this big moment. And he was going to be like, Oh, wait a minute, let me stop. I loved it. He was like, go ahead and leave. I don't give a fuck. I'll take over your fucking show. So anyways, there you go. douchebags of the week, Joe Bayhar and Whoopi Goldberg for walking off your own fucking show with a shiny suit. Fuck it. I can't say he's a moron because he does know. I mean, look, he's very read up on that. Yeah, I don't know. I'm too stupid. This is why I wouldn't.

This is right here. Why I would never engage as much as I disagree with his opinions. I don't fucking pay attention to politics at all. I don't. I find it frustrating. I find it to be just a rigged fucking guy. I don't give a fuck, you know, and so I would never try to, as much as I disagree with Bill O'Reilly, I would never go on his show and try to fucking one up the guy and think I'm going to beat the guy in an argument about politics. It's like he's paying attention to these politicians the way I give a fuck about football. I'm not going to win that argument. I mean, why don't I bring fucking Roy Jones Jr. over and start debating him about boxing? I don't know. It's just, it was, it was fucking hilarious. The whole thing was just,

it was hilarious and big, big fucking victory for that fucking, I don't know. I don't know. As a stand up comic, you fucking, you just tap out. That was embarrassing. Anyway, let's get on with the goddamn podcast for this week. I kind of like that. Do you guys like that format? Just getting the douchebag of the week out of the way, right off the fucking bat. Finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge. The jeansite test may help. Did you know that genetics can play an important role in gaining insight on how a person may respond to various medications? Understanding this may help reduce medication trial and error.

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